#i think i've at least improved since then
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Hi CB! I've followed your work for a while and I'm curious - I've seen that you do many times on a repetitive and consistent manner.......how? By the love of gods, how? What is this magic? Is it inherited? Genetic? Signed, please-halp
Hey, thanks for reading! I think you may have missed a word in the ask so I am taking a best guess at what you were inquiring about, but I'm guessing you were asking about consistent and repeat ability to write and post fiction? Gosh that sounds egotistical of me but I used to be known for being prolific and I think I'm still known for, if not having the BEST prose, at least having the ability to be of consistent quality. :)
The good news is that it is neither magic nor genetic, and one of those things that anyone can achieve -- it just takes time and a bit of effort. The secret is that I wasn't always even a good writer; what I have always been is a passionate writer. My early fanfic, from fourteen to eighteen, was actually very bad. But I did it a lot. It's hard to get truly good at something if you aren't passionate about it because you won't want to do it so often that you get good at it, but fortunately I fell in love with it. And once you're good at something you do want to do it all the time!
In my teens I wrote absolutely tons of fanfic, and if you were to read it (you can't, it's not under my name and some of it is lost to the ages) you could actually see me improving, because I started out so terribly bad. We're talking "Multiple people speaking in one paragraph" bad. But I kept writing and took feedback and when I went to college I took classes (I had a kind of unofficial minor in playwriting, including having several short plays produced) and when I came back to fandom after college I was...decent. And this you can trace, if you start reading at the start of my AO3 account where all my fanfic since 2003 is stashed; you can see I used to be more awkward in my prose, my pacing wasn't as good, what I considered relevant to include for the story wasn't as polished as it is now.
So, there are almost five million words on my AO3 account, which doesn't include anything I wrote before 2003; I'm forty-five and started writing when I was just shy of fifteen. This will be my thirtieth year writing fiction in April. If you spend that much time writing, even if you don't necessarily TRY to improve, you will learn and grow. And you learn how your own creative process works and how to wrestle with that, so you become consistent simply because you gain a kind of mental muscle-memory.
The thing is, quality and consistency is nice, but it's not necessary to enjoy either fandom or fanfic, or even writing. If you love to write, that's the best thing; you will bring yourself joy. It's one reason I never even considered making a career as a writer, because I didn't want my joy to become my job. That's not to shit on professional writers by ANY means, I have several as friends and of course I admire many well-known authors. But for me, it was important to preserve the parts I loved best, and I didn't think I could do that and still try to get a paycheck from it.
So the trick of quality, consistent writing is to love it enough to do it until you develop your skills and grow as an artist. But the real trick of any artistic expression is to love it for itself, to put heart into your work, and to do everything you can to protect what gives you pleasure. Quality and consistency are nice but if you love what you do they really, eventually, cease to matter. :)
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the place where he inserted the blade
#teen wolf#isaac lahey#my art#this was literally the only piece of art i finished in 2024 lmao#pretty sure the last time i drew a wolf was like a decade ago#when i was a child doing twilight princess fanart#i think i've at least improved since then#i kind of gave up at the end if you can tell no you can't
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It's midnight right now and I can't help reflecting on how crazy everything was with Long Live the Pumpkin Queen. Tim Burton read Shea's proposal on rewriting Sally's past to be a kidnapped daughter of Governors in a ragdoll town and APPROVED it with no major changes requested.
Tim Burton and Disney read her further proposal on having Queen Elizabeth II idolized in the book and saw NOTHING wrong with that and told her to go with it.
She also said they "loved the ideas". Had very little changes they wanted.
Why does this keep me up at night.
#i really should reread the book sometime#it's at least been a year since i've touched it i think#there are many things i loved about it but these facts still kind of bother me#like i expect it from disney honestly but tim burton?#im half surprised not surprised knowing who actually wrote sally#a sequel is coming which i hope improves things but like.#a lot of things were so wild with this book#but i firmy believe shea didnt deserve all those comments directed at her either#rambling
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do you ever just try to seek out advice for something you struggle with, find something that comes with glowing recommendations that Changed Everything(tm) for the people reccing it, and then when you read it it's so bad that it gives you a better idea of what your actual problem is just by dint of articulating why it sucks
#whosebaby talks#ttrpg tag#me trying to find advice for doing better improv in ttrpgs; and All of It either completely misses the point#goes 'don't work the way your brain works lol'#or gives you advice that's a helpful leg up; but can only go so far if you're not actually getting at the fundamental issue: Why#like i still don't entirely know *how* to solve the issues i've been putting my finger on! but god damn i'm finally at least doing that much#i think it doesn't help that the 'just don't think this way lol' this advice always aims at#hits on ableist bullshit i've gotten shamed and dismissed for Constantly in the past#to the point where i just stopped trying to engage with things or problem-solve at all To My Extreme Detriment Ever Since lol#'don't approach this game in a way informed by your neural wiring' means people will not approach your game!#ugh. anyway this instance of it sucked Bad even worse than usual and i am annoyed#the salt files
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#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
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So earlier today I introduced some of my WIPs to some new people, and I realised that many people might not be familiar with those two WIPs.
Kriya Petri: fantasy (with body horror & dystopian elements). Setting: A country called Fillor on a planet called Thuluke. In Fillor, to bind yourself to the one you love, you require a trinamate potion to seal the bond. 'Trinamate' is marriage (though that is a rather crude translation of the word). But to get a trinamate potion legally, the couple needs to be… acceptable. A man and a woman who plan to have at least one child. Yes, it's been 1000 years since the global apocalypse, but 'sufficient reproduction' is still a concern among the Filore people (plus it's a moral virtue for the Divine Monarchy, who reside on the cloudlands, with an iron grip on the institutes of Fillor). A potioneer wants to elope with their lover, but the pair is, let's just say, not acceptable. So what are they to do? The potioneer brews a trinamate potion on their own, finding the closely guarded methods & ingredients for the potion through who-knows-who, bunch of shady people. The potion explodes. The potioneer knows the punishment for something like this. They'll be condemned to Kaewoe (so will their lover, if anyone finds out), a realm so deep below the ground that it's close to the core of the planet. Kaewoe, where the mind & body are destroyed by the horribly high concentration of magic. Kaewoe, the names & lives & loves of all who enter it, all slowly turned to unknowledge. Good thing stealing identities is absurdly easy in Fillor! The potioneer wipes all memory of their crimes & love (or else the Thought magicians would know), flees to the city of Naebo. Their name is now Kriya Petri,
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Welcome To The Real World: scifi, fantasy, surrealism, horror, tragedy
This one's in very early stages Inspired by Frankenstein Setting: The Great South Asian Rip in Reality, where physics (time & space both) is just completely twisted. The year is sometime in the 2070s. Sometimes it's the 2040s outside the Rip. Depends when/where you step out. Moh-maya, reality's very fabric & everything that keeps up the illusions that comprise reality, are very malleable in here. Main character: Kabir aka Moksh. A closeted Indian trans man who lives a double life, perhaps even a triple life. One in which he's a cis woman & a regular bright STEM student (STEM studies also include study of moh-maya). Another in which he's just some guy with good friends (the most authentic of his lives), where he goes by the name Kabir & uses moh-maya to present as his true self. If only temporarily. (it's painful, mentally & physically, whenever he has to revert to the female form). The third is some mad scientist bullshit, he's going by the name of Moksh among his fellow mad scientists & his main project is a moh-maya Frankenstein's monster that others can share their consciousness with, such that they can experience shape-shifting more easily & go where they physically aren't, do things they physically can't. Let's simply call it the 'entity'. Due to many reasons, creating this entity is pretty illegal. Hence the new name & collaboration with fellow shady people. the plot, put shortly: he starts doing vigilante justice w/the entity & then goes far & gets more & more consumed w/work & things go verrrrrrryyyyyy wrong despite starting with (dubious but) good intentions.
in this second one i neglected to mention the fact that you, as the reader, get front row tickets to the main character's spiral into madness & justifying murders thru the entity + the entity is a whole person & has opinions + a whole lot of other stuff, I DID mention that this WIP is in very early stages but holy fuck i could go on & on about it (just not in a way that can be packaged in a structured & sensible introduction)
#i have re-written the introduction to kriya petri so many times because it's hard to know WHAT parts i should talk about first#and this introduction still isn't concise. currently i'm not really in the phase where nailing the introduction is super important but#it's still at least a LITTLE BIT important. but i never seem to get it right. i think this one IS an improvement over my other#introductions to this wip because it gets the MAIN FOCUSES across (and even without talking about the other major characters it at least#touches upon the issues kriya has which will be common with the other characters. so it works).#still not entirely satisfied BUT this is my 'baby' wip cuz i started it when i was 14 and it's grown so much in the past 4 years#and honestly i should probably just read a bunch of scifi (finish octavia butler's series lilith's brood maybe since i finished the last#book recently) because before i wrote this intro. THAT was what made some of the worldbuilding aspects 'click'.#i really need to make the amphibious nature of the thuluken humans play more of a part in their culture as well!#i just realised that so many aspects of this world have been DISCONNECTED! they need to be woven together!#it's midnight and i'm sleepy. why am i sleepy i could be working on this (or on my college assignments [it's okay i've got a lot of time#for them & am making progress on them at a steady rate])
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27.9 - lab work & maths
i had my first labs today! it was mostly just measuring things, learning to use the equipment and set everything out correctly. my lab partner was nice, and she's doing theoretical physics too!
we start maths classes tomorrow, so i'm quickly revising complex numbers, i want to know what i'm doing in case we're taught something new.
🎶 greek tragedy - the wombats
#i think i finally understand how to do complex number c+is sequences questions!!#it's a bit late since a levels are over but at least it wasn't on the papers. plus now if we cover it in uni i'll know what's going on :)#also apparently i've been 'satisfactory' in my labs and all i need to do is draw more diagrams and write down the serial no of the equipment#many other people good 'needs improvement' so i'm really happy!!!#next week i want to meet all the objectives...#cem speaks#cem studies#autistudyblr
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oc time!!!!
#hai#i don't think ive ever talked about my ocs before#so here they are in fancy outfits#not what they usually wear but#that's what i wanted to draw#on the left is violet (she/her) and on the right is finny (she/they)#i haven't posted my art in. a very long time#also sorry this isn't pokemon but if i make art might as well post it on main where more people can see#the thing with my art is that since i post so rarely you can very clearly see the improvement if you go through the tag#which sounds like a good thing but is actually horrifying because my old art is. not good#now im not saying this is perfect but it is at least a little better than what i've posted before#at least i think so.#i don't really remember what ive posted before besides some serena drawings??#anyway#mew.jpg#mews ocs#<-made a tag just in case but i don't really think im gonna use it because im shy
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Tainted batch (Patreon)
#Doodles#Just Desserts#Villainsona#Fine nevermind >:(#It's so weird to be posting vent-adjacent stuff while I'm doing so well currently haha#I started this months ago and have significantly improved my mood since then pfft ♪ I'd hope!#There wasn't anything specific at the time anyway just a thought circling around that I figured Charm would be more affected by#Considering most things for her are heightened in comparison haha <3 She'll get therapy someday#She also deals a lot in sublimation through art! And sometimes that means literally taking the materials and using them elsewhere#Honestly it's pretty cool that she can reconstitute her art :0 Drawing is a little different haha#I hadn't realized it'd been as long as it's been since I last drew Cirrus :0#Oh yeah Cherry Shortcake actually has a first name now lol#A few residents do! If you remember my mention of Aria from a while back - Marshmallow Fluff - I think those are the current three?#Still haven't really pinned down a naming convention haha...I've been thinking about three-letter last names for what feels like forever now#She was also an early contender for Digitally Rendered Resident huh... I could at least stand to name the others that have gotten that lol#So many things I wanna do with her - really want to finish her Biased Narrator fic sometime just dunno how to end it hrmngh#Anyway lol she gets a one-panel cameo and takes over the post pft no! Charm time!#Evil Time Charm time - kicked up her pulse as soon as she remembered#She kinda sorta remembers what happened but more than that remembers the Emotions - feeling Laughed At#And clearly it's [this specific thing]'s fault that she feels foolish! Avoid [this specific thing] and never feel foolish again Guaranteed!*#*Not actually even remotely close to a guarantee lol instead she's just avoiding something that at one point made her feel good#So easy to turn a positive memory into a negative one with just a change of framing huh?#I can't think of anyone in her life who would exploit that fun little feature in her outlook not even one!
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Tbh? I still feel so out of my depth whenever I try to write Bill. For whatever reason it doesn't come naturally to me like writing Ford does. Every time one of y'all has thoughts on Bill's characterization or writes something Bill-centric I'm mentally taking so many notes
#godsrambles#im in that weird inbetween of knowing when his characterization Feels Right but not knowing how to write him so it feels right#its like that stage in art where your eye for good composition and colors and anatomy improves but you dont know how to actually apply it#what i should do is write some short scenes where he interacts with other people#because most of the fics I've written are 100% his internal thoughts when he is completely alone#which is way easier. takes away at least a few of the layers youd usually have to keep track of with this goddamn guy#the only one i can think of that had bill actually talking to someone else is parhelion. and i KNOW i slightly mischaracterized him in that#made him a lil too Smooth. made his manipulative front a lil too gentle and kind and patient#but since its from fords Very Reverent Rose Tinted Glasses perspective i dont think its that big a deal#and also the more i lean into him Seeming Perfect To Ford the more sinister it is to read with the knowledge of what happens later#which is. so much fun. and im so normal about it#but i still do want to get better at writing him interacting with others#ironically one issue that seems to come up is me being like 'whenever he talks to people they always respond exactly how he expects them to#like subconsicously. in the form of 'they get tricked successfully' or 'they are annoyed and bothered to the extent he was going for'#tfw you cant write a character bc you accidentally have the same innaccurate thought process as him#tags essay#TBH writing him as Too good at manipulation in parhelion is also billcore.#'this is how it happened right. im soooo good at trickery good job me'#if you count 'tricking yourself' then yeah bill youre the best at trickery there ever was
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tarot reading fucked me up.. (it was positive and told me things i mostly know and think about these days but i don't know how to handle positivity)
#''hey man you are on the right track 👍 you're doing okay. maybe take a short rest but like you're good. ik it's hard but keep going''#me: i have never felt more threatened in my life#(i think it's in part bc i'm very scared abt the direction i'm going so i'm almost seeking validation that it's wrong so i can go back)#(it's not a bad direction. just a lot of new stuff. stuff I've never done. or have done but in the far past and the setting chaged since)#(and like i'm not used to doing anything at all. i don't really want to either. i'm scared of when i'm gonna crash bc ik i will)#(but on paper i'm doing good... doing important stuff that i need to. ''improving'' my ''mental health'' and all.)#(it's just very hard during the bad moments. bc i remember i have no actual reason to do this beyond ''why not'')#(contrary to popular belief. ''why not'' is not a good motivator. not in the long run at least)#(......also what if i do become better but become a whole new person in the process and i don't like that person. and it won't be me)#anyway it's a good thing i don't actually believe in tarot fr huh! ha... ha... haha.........#this accidentally turned into a#vent#my bad 🫡 sorry
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not me adding literal buddhist monk shaolin masters to my very short list of ppl I’ve ever strongly related to the philosophy/mentality/approach to life of oh boy
#anthony padilla#buddhist monks#philosophy#trans#Idk what this says abt me for any of you who don't know me that well yet lmao#but it is fascinating to me at least that between the discipline of language learning since childhood#my shonen protagonist energy and slight megalomania#and my nonbinary trans thoughts about physical change and self improvement etc etc etc#despite coming from such vastly different backgrounds (not just culturally just in the like- I'm a queer artist n educator n stuff#and they're literal monks in an organised religion/belief system)#we have still somehow arrived at so many similar not only beliefs but also just like ways of living and discipline and worldview#something something outsider perspective that queer people will be more prone to due to being an eternal minority in any part of the world#while ppl like monks/nuns take up the lifestyle they lead in order to alienate themselves from the rest of society for religion's sake#something something the historic connection between ppl who dedicate their life to religion (monks/nuns/priests/etc) and the queer community#and various cultures where genderqueer ppl's role is/was that of religious leaders#something something maybe in a changing world that is not as religious anymore we can still be advisors and wise ppl to consult#like I think that's literally the conclusion I've arrived at for my pitch to the feminists is#you will never truly manage to include us as equals for sheer numbers reasons so you might as well use us and our skills and insights#for the gender lib movement in other more distinct ways that neither need you to fully equate us to you nor to limit us to your part of it#pay the transfemmes to teach y'all coding karlie kloss can't do it all on her own#and pay me to come teach you abt transmasc inclusion and internalised misandry and the terfs#and you'll find plenty of use from having us around
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I think... in many ways, I really just want to feel loved, but I'm scared of accepting it, and scared of feelings I feel like I "can't control" so I end up taking an overly analytical approach and overjustifying things like natural curiosity to myself by calling things "just scientific fascination" and "morbid curiosity" (because in my mind, things I feel I am not "allowed to" experience, be curious about, or consider, seem like they're taboo, hence 'morbid'). I can't really fault others for thinking that's messed up. I've definitely ruined chances at receiving any sort of care and/or love in the past by not only pushing people away in delusional self-sabotage states, but also by treating people like equations or research projects. I sort of hate admitting to myself that I DON'T know or understand everything, and that doing so is impossible no matter how much I like knowing things, especially since my inability to just trust and take what people tell me at face value is in juxtaposition with that desire for knowledge and thorough understanding. It is actually me and my own doubt of people that drives me into over-questioning everything I DO know.
I also am terrible at paying attention to others. I know this. I forget that other people are, well, people, and that they won't know how much I care about them unless I express it and KEEP expressing it. Not just verbally but with things like asking people how they are doing- assuming they'll just tell me if they want me to know is something I do, but I know very well how easy it is to feel like a burden and close your troubles away from others in fear of being "too much" to deal with. I've reflected on this, and my unhealthy manner of expressing fondness and trust for others being that I'm far too quick to traumadump and talk about myself, in the past, but I've not been making nearly enough progress on it.
I think, I seek and crave for too much clarity without offering any myself, that has driven people away from me in the past, and it's purely my own flaws causing it.
Maybe with another year or two of reflecting, I will be able to handle something like a qppr without it falling apart because of my aloofness and inability to pay enough attention to others. Perhaps in half a decade, I could consider a romantic relationship, if I've made any progress with all that + trauma work, by then.
#I previously swore off all kinds of romantic/qplatonic relationships because I felt that I just#''wasn't made for them''#but I think in truth NOBODY is made for them- people just have to grow and improve to be able to maintain them#healthy ones at least#and there's no point in desiring for dysfunctional ones no matter how desperate one is#I know this well thanks to DF.#so what I am saying is... my previous attitude was selfish and petty#to just decide that I am ''hopeless'' and ''unfit'' for something was a sort of refusal to accept fault in myself#nobody is 'hopeless' with things like healthy romantic/qpp relationships unless they choose to be#and making that choice... to rather be hopeless but eternally envying others is very childish#childish and something that only someone in deep denial about their own flaws would do#I can offer myself some understanding since I believe that I needed to reach this point#where I would realize this myself and accept it#and I'm glad I didn't cause anyone any hurt (as far as I'm aware) during this time it took me to realize that#because I could see people making a declaration like that but then allowing mixed signals and vague situationships to take place#solely because of the very human loneliness of wanting closeness but also childishly refusing to actually work on oneself#much like my refusal was. but in my case#I did fully cut everything like that out- I haven't allowed people to get any closer than ordinary friendship#and I've not been crushing on people myself (in general that's just because I'm demi most likely)#(but I have not been crushing and trying to justify to myself sending mixed or vague signals to anyone)#(that's what I mainly mean in that I haven't been crushing. that I haven't allowed myself to act selfishly because of emotion)#so in that sense I do feel a little proud that me saying that I'm not going to even think about things like romance or qpps#wasn't just me 'saying it' while still technically wanting it and craving for it#I truly did take that literally and took a lot of time to just... process things and explore my issues#and I think that's what allowed me to come to this realization naturally myself- that I am NOT hopeless#and that I was just throwing a childish tantrum because processing emotions that felt out of control felt 'too difficult' to even try#it's like a child refusing to even try to learn tying their shoelaces just because they don't quite 'get' how to make a knot yet#mm... I'm glad I've made that progress. it's not that it magically fixes everything that was wrong to begin with about me#and my attitude towards emotions and feelings like attraction and affection and even love#but it does to me at least show that I've overcome one obstacle of many and AM making progress even if it's not immediately visible
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painful death to all people who secretly feed you a lot of milk hidden in artichoke soup
#they know I'm lactose intollerant#the rest of the meal was soft cheese and ice cream for which was not great#but that was at least obvious and I could lactase for#the lactase had also been on the table since before we started eating#i referenced it#I did not discover there was milk until I emailed to say mmm yum can I have the recipe#I was suspicious though hence wording my enquiry that way#anyway I have missed two poos and this morning my stomach was so bloated I couldn't put any tops on#It's improving a bit with gentle stretches and movement#but hurts so much#can't really do bending without extreme pain and nausea#welcome to people catering to your medical nutritional restrictions by feeding you a three course meal#with as much lactose in all at once as you'd usually consume over a couple of weeks#I can't even fucking drink tea/ coffee with a splash of milk in#let alone whatever that was#i've managed to eat today but drinking is much worse somehow#I think because it slooshes more#so I'm quite dehydrated#ughhghghghhghghghghghhghghghghg
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So I've calmed down. After today's events I find myself even more vindicated in my hatred for my family, but that's neither here nor there. I'm not trying to vent so often on this blog (feels too oversharey), so instead I'll let y'all know that my birthday is in two weeks! Specifically the 24th. So that's cool.
#unma rambles#ignore the tags below I was only going to mention the uni stuff and then things just kinda started rolling out and now it feels like a-#waste to delete them#I'll be heading to uni on the 22nd for orientation on the 23rd though#so that's another year in a row of depressing shit happening around my birthday#at least this time it's something somewhat good (uni) and not my dad shipping me off to a camp I insisted I didn't want to go to#to the point that he forcibly packed my things and made it so I couldn't go back home otherwise that Sunday#which I still haven't forgiven him for#(man every time I think about them I remember something that makes me hate my parents. funny how that works.#It's almost like there's nothing good to remember)#fyi the uni is a christian university that requires attending service for credits which is why I'm not happy#reminder: I'm agnostic but was raised christian in a christian family#and an acquaintance from church is also going to that uni. and attending the same course#which isn't the end of the world but I can't help but feel bummed out#because I just know someone's gonna use her to see how I'm doing since I never answer phone calls#wow I said I wouldn't vent but here I am#tbf my reaction to this is more disappointment and mild annoyance than the depressive spirals I used to deal with#so I guess that means I'm improving#or that it's not big enough of a problem for it to trigger that#oh well#all of this means I'm not exactly looking forward to my birthday but I've never looked forward to one since I was 10#so that's just typical at this point#hm come to think of it the camp thing isn't the only thing that happened near my birthday and resulted in depressive spirals huh#kinda sounds to me like my birthdays have just sucked#at best they were meh and at worst they sucked to the point I look forward to one where nothing happens at this point#that happened once#my birthday had nothing done for it because of reasons (I don't blame my parents for this they had valid reasons to do so)#and I just forgot about it#the tags of my post that was supposed to be about my birthday was not where I expected to unpack my shitty experiences with past birthdays#but here I am I guess
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ah fuck theres two of them
He did not, in fact, bag shit.
#man i've had the continuation sketched out since p much the start but i couldnt get myself to draw it#tbh i didnt like how that first comic turned out. somewher along the way it just ended up looking like something i wasn't planning on at al#i like this one i had a nicer time just scribbling and messing around with it until it took on the shape i wanted it to have#i think i just need to accept the fact that creating something satisfying takes time#its probably because i cant get that through my head that my drawings tend to turn out so... sloppy#listen i know i know its probably only me who sees it as that but#i can see all these like bits i know i couldve worked on more or fix real quick before posting#but instead of backtracking i scramble forward just to get the thing finished#and i end up creating something that feels.... lackluster. to me at least.#so yea im gonna try and embrace taking my time#if i learn to chip away at something every day instead of working in bursts once every two months i may even get out of this rut#and meaningfully improve#wish me luck y'all lmao#anyway#fakir#malen#fanart#my art#i kinda wonder how these are viewed by ppl#cos like. theres all this context in my head of how i view malen and author's relationship as sibs#and how malen views herself and feels around others. and tbh even that is all so vague#and idk these are all sillies but you know. you know
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