#where I would realize this myself and accept it

[ghostymarni]

didn’t want to grief post on this thread, so just venting here for my own piece of mind

digital holonet entry 112824 0714hours

I’ve been on and off coping as grief does, but after seeing that post about not thinking too long about crosshair just reminded me how much I’ve kinda been avoiding drawing him.

I know I recently had a similar conversation with Lupe about this. He will always be favorite overall, but my vision for cross has artistically changed so many times because I think deep down it’s a grief truth for me that I’m struggling with. I have so many crosshair drawings I never posted because they’re just SAD. I didn’t want to turn this to a depression blog so I refrained from posting or deleted those from here.

My husband passed this summer more suddenly than I’d like to think about. He was watching season 3 without me because I was too busy with work at the time. But rewatching it after he passed had me instant hone in on crosshair + connecting the loss of my husband with the loss of tech; which gave a different part in my grief acceptance + a secondary obsession with the brilliant minded clone. It’s a reminder to hold onto everything we created and did, + to always keep thinking about him.

Crosshair returning with his brothers + not having tech there feels twice as suffering knowing what their last interaction was like. And an even deeper personal meaning knowing I see my husband in everything. In our life around us, in how I choose things, how I respond to things. (Which we see + are reminded of that tech is apart of everyone he ever met)

Self regret that we didn’t have time to have a proper last moment. It just ended. Just because you choose to accept they knew you loved them, + vise versa, doesn’t make it easier than you’ll never have them around anymore.

Which with grief, digs the vibro-blade a little deeper because you never know when your last interaction with someone is.

watching how each of them take the notion of what tech would do, picking up where he would take over. I would imagine it would catch crosshair off guard, hearing tinkering to certain data pad beeps, only to look up + see Echo fixing something, or Omega typing away. Because I literally do this with sounds I associate with my late husband.

That feeling never goes away for a loved one. His brother, his batch twin. But omega is a huge part of that healing. And she has been a huge part in mine connecting her with my kid who isn’t giving up on me + needs me. Simple intended motions go such a long way. And the scene were they’re meditating hits hard for me.

Even more so when I’m constantly shaking out my own hand to keep it under control. It’s never easy when it hits, but every scene of cross trying to get his tremors under control, is something I do more often than I care to admit. I just have to keep going.

Not seeing tech with omega, is like realizing I won’t ever see my husband with our son growing up. He’s young, + it feels more unfair. And that hurts. Crosshair is such a dynamic clone + his guilt + hurt reaches out to many people in so many different ways. Which is why I can’t think too long about him either, but he will always be my favorite overall because I see him as me.

From grief, trauma, hand tremors, loss. (if I’m being honest, I’m pretty decent at shooting actual long range rifles) there’s so much to crosshair I personally relate to, and not just his attitude haha!

Crosshair didn’t see his brother fall, but he watched another brother die in his place. An older brother that taught him a lesson he didn’t realize he needed to know until it was too late. We confirmed that from his retaliation of shooting an imperial officer, + when they returned to the deserted base; he instantly moves to set up the memorial buckets as Mayday did. A reminder of the fallen, a reminder that they existed + lived.

A lesson I have to remind myself everyday.

So what I guess I’m also trying to convey, while I see myself as crosshair, despite the grief, the false fight some days, I’ve never felt so alone than having my soulmate gone. Going from a life of fun, banter, + life for granted, to solitude and what feels like isolation.

the clone community really gave me a second chance. At me. At reconnecting with myself, my art, my humor + wit. The friendships I’ve made + are continue to make really are giving me a new fight and a new reason to just keep going.

I never share for sympathy, I don’t want to be put in a “do not interact zone”. That’s the opposite of what I need or want. I just wear my heart on my sleeve + find comfort in just being honest about struggles + how we strive to move on.

as our boy hardcase (+ echo) quote, what I try to embrace:

“LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY”

[genderqueerdykes]

my moms bisexual in denial but i dont think that counts

you know, it's an interesting conversation topic, because i just brought up my own mom who was in denial/in the closet about her identity, too. i do think it counts, even if someone hasn't come to accept it, themselves, because it's there and it's happening whether or not that person accepts it. obviously you don't want to tell your mom who they are and how they identify, but it can be pretty easy to pick up on someone who is queer but hasn't accepted it

my mom was exactly that, too. my mom was a closeted butch lesbian in denial. she would constantly tell me that she wished she could live with, date, and marry women. she told me numerous times throughout my life that she wished she could just marry a woman and surround herself with women. she was very butch, never wore makeup, barely wore accessories/jewelry, almost always wore men's clothes, or women's clothes that looked androgynous. always wore her hair short. she got very scared when i started presenting like a butch lesbian because she saw something reflected in herself that she was scared to admit. she even told me as a kid that i needed to not dress butch because people would assume she was a butch lesbian and call her out for it. you can see that the denial ran deep with her.

it's unfortunate because i feel like we really could've bonded over that, but she's not with us anymore. so all i can really do is think back on how she was too scared to live her true life, and how i just can't do that to myself. my mom lived in a progressive enough state that she would not have had much issue marrying another woman. but she was unfortunately scared to step out of the closet, and many people live those lives. my sister is the same as my mother. she has parroted the exact same things my mother has said, plus, when i was in high school, we had a day where we were supposed to wear a specific color to show support of queer students. when i asked my sister if she had a shirt in that color and explained why, she actually asked me

"Why would you support people who choose to be gay?" in utter confusion, i blinked at her, and went "What, do you wake up every day and choose to be straight?" and i kid you not, she proudly put her hands on her hips and said "Yes, I do!" it was so painful to witness. i wish I had told her "So you... aren't straight." i wish i had had the courage to tell her that's not normal and that if you have to wake up every day and choose to be a specific sexuality, you're lying to yourself. her perspective on queerness never really got better, espcially after i transitioned, but that's a story for another day. my sister blew my mind that day... i realized i had 2 queer family members who were scared shitless to admit it and instead of accepting it, they took it out on me.

sorry for the ramble, but i just wanted to bring up my own experience with this because i'v eknown my mom has been a closeted butch lesbian my entire life and it's something that moves me. she lived her entire life in denial, start to finish, and was never able to be herself. i'd say it saddens me, but it doesn't. it motivates me to always be my most authentic self. because living a life that's not yours isn't living. my mom could've potentially have been a much happier person, but fear kept her trapped in her misery. i don't want to do that to myself

[galacticrainestorm]

I have noticed the ending has brought a lot of shit from both sides. Extreme Jayvik shippers thinking only their interpretation is canon, and extreme Jayvik haters thinking only their interpretation is canon. But I’m pretty sure that it was left ambiguous for a reason. If they could literally have a lesbian sex scene, they probably could have done something more direct if they wanted them to be 100% canonically mlm partners. I do believe there is obvious queer coding between the two, but I also believe it was left up to interpretation.

I just wanted to ramble because I’m tired of seeing people on both sides arguing. As a Jayce hater (for personal reasons. It’s complicated), of course I don’t like requited shipping of him and Viktor, but it’s not that hard to realize that they were intentionally written in a way where they can be interpreted as gay.

However, I do find it bothersome how people are taking what could be an example of platonic intimacy and acting as if it’s impossible for it to not be romantic. As an aroace person myself who absolutely loves platonic intimacy, it’s saddening seeing what I view as a potentially beautiful representation of platonic or queerplatonic love as romantic. But I also take issue with the people refusing to accept that they were likely intended to be interpreted in multiple different lights.

I know all the other gays in this fandom would crucify me for all this but I feel like speaking my truth.

On another note of just personal headcanons, I’m ngl I will always see Viktor as an aroace bi man because I am the master of projection. And also just because, I dunno, that’s how I view him.

[chalk-homunculus]

I think... in many ways, I really just want to feel loved, but I'm scared of accepting it, and scared of feelings I feel like I "can't control" so I end up taking an overly analytical approach and overjustifying things like natural curiosity to myself by calling things "just scientific fascination" and "morbid curiosity" (because in my mind, things I feel I am not "allowed to" experience, be curious about, or consider, seem like they're taboo, hence 'morbid'). I can't really fault others for thinking that's messed up. I've definitely ruined chances at receiving any sort of care and/or love in the past by not only pushing people away in delusional self-sabotage states, but also by treating people like equations or research projects. I sort of hate admitting to myself that I DON'T know or understand everything, and that doing so is impossible no matter how much I like knowing things, especially since my inability to just trust and take what people tell me at face value is in juxtaposition with that desire for knowledge and thorough understanding. It is actually me and my own doubt of people that drives me into over-questioning everything I DO know.

I also am terrible at paying attention to others. I know this. I forget that other people are, well, people, and that they won't know how much I care about them unless I express it and KEEP expressing it. Not just verbally but with things like asking people how they are doing- assuming they'll just tell me if they want me to know is something I do, but I know very well how easy it is to feel like a burden and close your troubles away from others in fear of being "too much" to deal with. I've reflected on this, and my unhealthy manner of expressing fondness and trust for others being that I'm far too quick to traumadump and talk about myself, in the past, but I've not been making nearly enough progress on it.

I think, I seek and crave for too much clarity without offering any myself, that has driven people away from me in the past, and it's purely my own flaws causing it.

Maybe with another year or two of reflecting, I will be able to handle something like a qppr without it falling apart because of my aloofness and inability to pay enough attention to others. Perhaps in half a decade, I could consider a romantic relationship, if I've made any progress with all that + trauma work, by then.

[godsfavoritescientist]

Biting the bars of my enclosure about autistic ford tonight. There's something about him using vocabulary and turns of phrase that seem "outdated" or "pretentious" that feels so painfully genuine to me. When people say he talks like that just to "try to sound smart" I wish I could explain what it's like to be so ostracized from your peers growing up that you spend all your time reading instead, to the point where you pick up your way of speaking from books instead of from people. And then what it's like for people to call you out for "talking weird" over and over again, not able to wrap their heads around why the fuck you would choose more archaic or technical or formal words than the simpler ones that surely come to everyone's minds first. What it's like to have to dedicate a sizable chunk of attention to filtering through every single word you say out loud in real time before you say it, to make absolutely sure that it isn't a word people will judge you for using or make fun of you for using, just so you'll have a chance of being taken seriously. Learning through trial and error how to filter out the words that other people don't think are normal or casual enough for the conversation, even though for you, the word choice that's "natural-sounding" enough for them is the third or fourth word you came up with when searching for the right way to phrase something in your head. I wish I could explain just how long it takes to say fucking anything after spending a lifetime doing that during every single conversation, and how repetitive and long-winded you end up being when you spend so long coming up with alternative ways of saying every little thing you ever think. And I wish people realized that, at the very least for autistic people and autistic-coded characters, speech that's seen as pretentious is really just the way they talk when they're not putting in the extra effort to filter through every word they say just so others will take the time to listen.

[candycryptids]

😇- What's their best trait?

👿- What's their worst trait?

for Tuesday and Chuu

“Miss Chuu’s best trait? Mmm… You said this is an interview for your retelling of the Warriors of Light and their journey, right? I’d say it’s her unshakeable resolve. She decides she’s going to do something, and she doesn’t give up until it’s done. Ah… I’m not allowed to speak more on Miss Chuu without her presence, my apologies, mister Levraut.”

“You broke into my house,”

“Your lovely wife let me in actually,”

“To wake me up from my nap and interrogate me on my assistant,”

“Interview, Mademoiselle, not interrogate. Though I am sorry for waking you, your eyes were open so I assumed-”

“Ah-ta-ta. You wanted to know Two’s best trait right? Adaptability. Any environment, any obstacle… he’s got brains enough to figure the way through most anything. And failing that? He knows a top notch engineer in Magitek to kit him with the right tools to overcome his few shortcomings. Hey wait did you fucking call me a mad gazelle, you lop-eared scab?!”

“Thank you for your time, both of you. I have just one more question before I consider this interview complete and I let you both go back to your.. erm, busy schedules. What would you say is each others weakest trait?”

“I knew it! This IS an interrogation! Two, don’t-”

“Ah, that would be Miss Chuu’s paranoia, mister Levraut. Most of her other traits net positive gain,”

“Watch your mouth, Two.”

“That is.. ah, her paranoid trait has served to pull her out of many situations she would have landed in had they not afforded her foresight and caution to approach most situations.”

“Two’s worst trait is how I just can’t seem to keep mad at him when he finds and exploits loopholes in whatever rules I’ve set for him. And last week I asked him to bring me lunch, and he was nowhere to be seen for nearly six bells.”

“… Miss Chuu, if I may, you were in Azys La, and you called me via Linkpearl to bring you specifically egg sandwiches from the Bismark, even utilizing the Aethernet it takes time… and when I arrived at your last marked location you were nowhere to be found.”

[Duo Oc Ask Meme !]

[adore-gregor]

🫠

[poppyseed799]

I think one of the weirdest signs that I was trans was that I was fine with being called a woman but NOT a cis woman. I felt awful cuz I was like “do I have a problem with people calling me cis even tho I am???” cuz I am NOT someone who minds being called accurate descriptors such as cis. I felt like I just wanted to be special or something even tho that wasn’t it and felt so bad. Something just felt really wrong about being called a CIS woman. Definitely one of the more thought provoking signs I was trans lol

[greppelheks]

I've really actively been working on myself for the past ten years, only to realize the way I was trying to be, just ain't for me.

I've gotten rid of my social anxiety, I've learned how to do small talk and be really good at it, I've learned how to be in groups and how to communicate, I've learned how to connect with others, step out of my comfort zone and get rid of my fear of trying new things.

And now I'm like huh... I'm actually happiest at home in my comfort zone. Its not that I can't do all the things I could never so anymore, but I don't really want to? Its kinda peaceful.

[aeide-thea]

oh right i forgot the real reason i stopped listening to broadway clips was that i've got this whole enormous miserable knot in my chest abt having been too socially anxious to do anything with my once-upon-a-time-very-gorgeous voice once i got spat out of the safe little nest of my high school, and like, most of the time i forget that knot even exists, but when i listen to the sort of music i used to be part of making (proper opera but also showtunes) it's like. this whole fast-forward feelings journey thru 'oh right that didn't actually go away, it's still right there in my throat, just calcified' to 'oh okay we tugged the loose end and it's unraveling and actually it was keeping contained a whole rush of tears like aeolus' bag of winds in the odyssey…'

[marshmellowtea]

it’s actually insane to think about how fast getting the fuck away from anti ideology helped alleviate my pocd specifically. like, obviously it didn’t cure it, i still have intrusive thoughts of that nature from time to time, but constantly being vigilant that i was consuming fiction in the “wrong” way was so detrimental to me and unlearning the idea that reading or writing a damn fic was the same as actually abusing a child helped me out SO much when it comes to csa related intrusive thoughts. like, i’m no longer a panicking suicidal mess when i have them because i think i’m doomed to hurt a child, and that’s a good thing.

[coloursofaparadox]

hnnnnnnnnnnnmmnn its overshare on the internet o clock

[folded-irony-blade]

Yeah, but if you’re too young to consent to sex, you’re too young to consent to permanently altering your body, and disabling your entire reproductive system permanently.

realizing I could technically say “yeah my mother wanted a girl so she dressed me like a little girl” to explain my childhood photos and it would technically be correct and win me much more sympathy than just saying I’m trans

[redflannelsheets]

.

[protobrieile]

sighhhhhhhhhhh

[steviescrystals]

my tags on the post i just reblogged got me thinking so here’s my current stream of consciousness