#but i used to sing that to myself all the time. also‚ hilariously‚ the girl that i marry from annie get yr gun

[aeide-thea]

oh right i forgot the real reason i stopped listening to broadway clips was that i've got this whole enormous miserable knot in my chest abt having been too socially anxious to do anything with my once-upon-a-time-very-gorgeous voice once i got spat out of the safe little nest of my high school, and like, most of the time i forget that knot even exists, but when i listen to the sort of music i used to be part of making (proper opera but also showtunes) it's like. this whole fast-forward feelings journey thru 'oh right that didn't actually go away, it's still right there in my throat, just calcified' to 'oh okay we tugged the loose end and it's unraveling and actually it was keeping contained a whole rush of tears like aeolus' bag of winds in the odyssey…'

[tea-twords]

Title

ehehehe first fic im writing after what feels like a year or two or a billion. But im actually feeling it rn so im gonna give it a shot. AND PLS FORGIVE ME FOR BAD WRITING IM SO RUSTY RIGHT NOW IM TRYINT TO GET THR HANG OF IT

So a few headcanons I used for this fic before we get into it:

Whenever the Arataki gang is in jail for some stupid as ever thing, Shinobu gets a bit antsy after a while cause she’s the type of person to always need something to do. Not doing anything makes her a bit anxious

Heizou is very good at reading people’s emotions but that’s probably canon enough

Shinobu knows a way to make a functioning bracelet out of like 4 naku weed stems somehow

So um aha no idea how to format so I’ll try my best

And also a warning for some swear words, I also hc Shinobu swears at her ler while getting wrecked

Lee: Kuki Shinobu

Ler: Shikanoin Heizou

————————————————————————

God the day Heizou had today was surely a good one.

He returned to the police station after a day of substantial progress on his investigation into a new case to hear what sounded like a chorus of angels (and a few devils) breaking out in song.

Heizou’s immediate thought was “What in Celestia is going on”, as would anyone else think if they were in his current predicament.

He figured out pretty quickly that the culprits for this outcry of song were none other than the one and only Arataki Itto and his buddies, Mamoru, Genta, and Akira. Having been arrested for “disturbing the peace” (having a whole karaoke session right in front of komore tea house and actively inviting any passerby to join them), they decided to take their…passion, for karaoke to their prison cells and somehow managed to get some of the other inmates to sing along.

It was pretty hilarious, to say the least. It took almost all of Heizou’s willpower to not to burst out laughing as his fellow officers attempted to get the situation under control.

“I’ve got to tell Shinobu about this”

So now here he was, walking through hanamizaka, looking for the places Shinobu can commonly be found. Something was off though…

She’s not here.

“That’s troubling…” Heizou thought. “Where could she be, if not here? Definitely not any shrines, maybe at a shop? Or perhaps the by the sea!”

Heizou began to walk in the direction of the shore. It wasn’t the most logical place to look next, but something was telling him he’d get lucky there.

“Hey, Shinobu!”

He called out to the green haired girl sitting in front of the sea next to a maroon drawstring bag. She held her mask to her face, but lowered it once she saw who called out to her.

“Oh, hey.”

“My intuition told me I might find you here. I’ve got to tell you about what happened today at the-…hey are you okay?”

Heizou paused mid sentence after taking a closer look at Shinobu. She was making bracelets out of naku weed and sango pearls, but something was wrong. Her back was unusually straight, her eyebrows slightly furrowed, her movements on the bracelet were sharper than needed, and she was switching sitting positions in the sand like twice a minute. She seemed…bored. Restless. Anxious.

“Yeah, I’m fine, why?”

“I’m here to talk if you need. Somethings wrong.” Heizou said, sitting down next to her.

Shinobu sighed and looked back down at the bracelet she had just finished making.

“Nothing crazy serious, I guess I’ve just been bored. I’ve done all I needed to do today, but the idea of doing nothing is just uncomfortable…It’s weird. I’m always cleaning up after the gang’s messes, but now..”

“You don’t know what to do now since there aren’t any messes to clean.” He finished for her.

“Yeah, pretty much. Gotta keep myself busy.”

“I take it that’s why you’re making bracelets by the sea?”

“I’ve got nothing better to do, so yeah. Just a hobby to pass the time.”

“They’re beautiful.”

Shinobu smiled. She looked back up at Heizou to find him marveling at the one currently in her hand. Little sango pearls were intertwined in a wreath of naku weeds. She’d been wanting to make bracelets with them ever since she picked some up during Boss’s rock and roll event at watatsumi island.

“You want one?”

“Only if there are extras.”

She opened the bag next to her to reveal she had made quite the supply of bracelets already.

“Woah…you’ve been here a while, I see.”

“Heh, yeah. By the sea is a nice place to be.”

“That rhymed.”

“Thank you.���

They sat in silence for a little longer, admiring the coming sunset before Heizou spoke up again.

“I also noticed you aren’t wearing your mask at the moment.”

“I felt like breathing the air by the ocean a little better. It helps when you need calming down. And I don’t have to keep the mask on if it’s just you here, you know who I am.”

“I guess that’s true. Still, it’s not often I get to see you without it.”

“Enjoy it while it lasts.” Shinobu said, already almost done with her next bracelet. “This one is gonna be yours.”

“Ooh, really? It’s an honor to watch the craftsman work.” He said peering excitedly at his future bracelet in-the-making.

She finished up quickly and handed it to him.

“I added an extra sango pearl, cause you’re one of my best friends.”

“Awww, really? That means so much, Shinobu, thank you.” Heizou said, his expression softening greatly. He looked like this emoji 🥺.

“Y-yeah..” Shinobu mumbled, averting her eyes.

“Aww, are you blushing?” He teased, moving a little closer to get a better look.

“No! And stop awwing at me!” She hid her face, preventing him from getting that better look.

Heizou pouted. “Shinobu come onnn, I never get to see your face! Especially not your blushing one, you can’t deny me this opportunity.”

“Shut up. You’ve seen me blush before anyway…”

“But not without the mask! Pleaseee?”

“I would rather plunge in the sea in front of us.”

Yeah, she won’t budge. Heizou has to use his secret weapon now.

From where he was sitting next to her, he wrapped his arms around her in a hug and looked up at her with puppy eyes.

“Pleaseeee?”

“H-hey! Careful! I’m not even gonna look at you.” She said, flinching first at the sudden contact but still keeping her face hidden with her hands and knees.

“Hm, “careful”, you say?”

The silence was loud. She couldn’t see his face, but she knew exactly what expression he had on.

“Wipe that smirk off your face off your face, and don’t even think about it.”

Heizou giggled mischievously. One because he did in fact have a smirk on his face, and two because he now had a new idea. An idea to get her to finally show her face, and you know, maybe help her feel a little better.

“Careful? Careful with what?” He said, lightly tapping at her sides. Nothing unbearable, but still getting a reaction.

“Heizou, noho! I’ll kill you! Don’t even try!”

“Threatening a detective with murder now, huh? I thought we were best friends, Shinobu.” He said sarcastically, glancing at his new bracelet on his wrist.

Shinobu tried desperately to squirm out of his hold. It was over for her if he went through with this, she’ll never hear the end of it.

“I personally can’t believe I didn’t think of how ticklish you can be earlier!”

“Heizou I swehehear…”

“Oh, this is good for me. Now I’ll get to see your blushing face and your laughing face without the mask at the same time!” Heizou said, picking up the pace and now scribbling his fingers at her sides.”

“Noho you wohohohont! Heheizohou!!” She giggled, her hands instinctively grabbing his wrists. However, unfortunately, due to his place behind her, she had much less leverage and it was quite futile.

“You’re suhuhuch a piehece of shihihit! AHAha-!! Asshohole!” At her remark he gave her a quick tase to the side, clearly elevating her reaction.

“Now that’s no way to talk to one of your best friends.”

“Shhuhut the fuck uhuhup!! You’re nohohot my behehest friehehend, dickhead!” She retorted, squirming in any way she could to not show him her face in this state.

“Really? I guess that extra pearl was a mistake then…I’m hurt Shinobu, really.” Heizou said, not hurt at all. He knows she doesn’t mean it at all, hell he’ll yell similar things when he’s on the receiving end too. That still doesn’t mean he’ll have mercy just yet, however. He moved one hand up by her ribs, the other hand down by her stomach, and dug in. Not too much pressure, but just enough.

“HeheHEHEY!!” Shinobu laughed. Now he was currently attacking two of her bad spots at the same time, and she knew that he damn well knew what he was doing too.

“HEIZOHOUU!”

“Shinobuuu!”

She continued to giggle brightly, not caring about hiding her face anymore and instead kicking her legs and thrashing around (adorably by the way) and doing whatever she could to escape.

Since hiding her face was no longer Shinobu’s top priority, Heizou had no problem finally seeing her laughing/blushing face without a mask.

“Aww, I see you now~” He teased, grinning down at her wide smile. He began to slow down, having got what he wanted and not wanting her revenge to be too devastating.

“Ahahrehe you happy?”

“Very happy.”

“Greheheat, you can stohohop.”

Taking her for her word that she’s had enough, he finally stopped his attack on her midsection and let her breathe as she slumped on his shoulder.

“Asshole.”

“You know it was fun.”

“You’re still an asshole.”

“Come on, look how relaxed you are now. Much better than how I found you earlier. Oh right, speaking of, I was gonna tell you-“

“Apapap, wait one second.” Shinobu interrupted. “I just want you to know I’ll get you back for your cruelty today, when you least expect it. Could be in a few seconds, could be in a few days. Your intuition won’t be able to save you, detective.”

It was Heizou’s turn to be nervous. Maybe not nervous, actually, more like excited. Anticipation always made things more fun! Not that he’d admit it in this moment.

“Mmmm…o-okay…” He shrank in on himself while Shinobu sat next to him, her eyes hungry to see him in her same position. It always amazed him how easily she could bounce back from getting tickle attacked.

“A-anyway, the four of them in their cells-“ He continued, making the most of the time he has left before his inevitable doom.

Heizou shared the story of how the gang managed to get fellow inmates singing along with them in prison, and they discussed various Arataki gang stories until the sun set.

And yes, Shinobu did eventually get him back.

————————————————————————

@adrienisweird @emiefluff HI GUYS I WROTE SOMETHING

again I apologize for bad writing I just kind of wrote as I went and lost myself in it. Still getting the hang of it but I hope u guys like it and I hope it’s a good start!!

[skyewritesstuff]

cruel summer (kenny's version)

my masterlist.

entry 4 in my (taylor’s version) songfic series.

summary: a detailed account of your summer fling with kenny mccormick.

pairing: kenny mccormick x reader (college!au kinda)

fandom: south park

warnings:  implied nsfw. substance use (alc/weed/nic). language. vomiting.

notes: based on cruel summer by taylor swift. this was not beta read. we die like kenny.

word count: 7.9k

It all started and ended in Kenny McCormick’s rundown, single cab pickup truck. It was summer time and Kenny’s main friend group had all separated for this one lone week despite everyone being home from college. Stan was still on the outskirts of town at Tegridy Farms. Eric had been dragged out of state to visit family. Kyle was in Denver doing a week-long intensive course. 

Kenny was in community college, about to wrap up an associates in computer sciences, a few classes short of graduation. He was also working full-time at the local Best Buy doing tech support, but somehow he’d managed to have three days off in a row towards the end of the week. However, this had to be the worst time for him to have next-to-nothing to do.

You were in Marjorine’s bathroom, standing over her as she sat on the toilet, pink dye that was scented like lemon drop candy was coating the ends of her naturally blonde hair when your phone rang.

“Marj, can you see who that is and let me decide whether or not I”m gonna get you to answer that?”

The blonde girl laughed, “Sure thing!”

She grabbed your phone and looked at the screen, “It’s Kenny!”

“Kenny McCormick?” 

You said that like there was any other Kenny in your hometown. There was no confusion in your question, though, just a slight bit of disbelief. You’d had feelings for Kenny since high school that’d been a long-kept secret for various reasons. First, you thought Marjorine liked him, but apparently not. In reality, Marjorine is just a helpless romantic who has a slight attraction to all of her friends, you included. Then, he ended up in a weird situationship with Tammy Mullins and then “cheated” on Tammy Mullins with his ex, Tammy Warner, if you can even cheat on a fuckbuddy. 

Kenny didn’t have the most savory reputation in South Park when it came to women. He was a flirt who made it known to everyone how much he liked the ladies and with his charm and rugged looks, he oftentimes was able to pull any girl that he fed the right line to. You felt like it was pointless to pursue him, because you’d inevitably get your heartbroken and look like an idiot much like Tammy Mullins when she attempted to beat the ever living shit out of Tammy Warner for the aforementioned incident. 

“Aren’t you going to answer it?” Marjorine spoke in a sing-song voice that let you know that she was highly anticipating overhearing this conversation.

You rolled your eyes, “Go ahead.”

Marjorine swiped the answer bar, “Well hi, Ken!”

“Hi, Barbie!” Kenny didn’t miss a beat, a chuckle to his voice, “Where’s Y/N?”

“I’m right here. What’s up, Kenny?” You spoke, distracting your nerves by finishing up Marjorine’s hair and making sure that the color was evenly spread with meticulous attention to detail.

“Just wanted to see if you ladies wanted to chill at Stark’s Pond later. The guys are all out of town doing fuck knows what and I have like...three days off of work and I’ve already bored myself to death.”

“You mean to tell me you’ve already gotten bored with jacking off and hitting up girls on Snap? Are you feeling okay, bud?” You said with a smirk, eliciting a gasp at your language from the blonde sitting underneath you.

“Ha ha…hilarious. I haven’t jacked it at all today. I’m waiting to see you in a bikini at the pond so I can have that mental image to cross that off my list.”

“Cute.”

“Gross, Ken!”

He chuckled again, “Are you guys coming or what?”

You looked at Marjorine and she looked at you. Before you could contemplate a response, she replied for you, “We’ll be there! Does 3:00 work?”

You shot her a look and she grinned mischievously. “Yeah, for sure. You make sure to look cute too, Marj. I’ve got a lot of free time coming up.” You could hear his smirk through the phone, earning him another eye roll.

“Oh shut it, Kenny. We’ll see you later.” 

“Okay! Love you guys, bye!”

“Love you too!” Marjorine replied, hanging up the phone and looking over her shoulder at you with a smile.

“I hate you.”

“Nuh uh.”

“I’m going to drown you when I rinse you.”

“Oh, hamburgers.”

A few hours later, you were in your room putting on high waisted black bikini bottoms with a black and white striped top as you were trying to call Marjorine to determine whether or not the suit was too modest or just right. You’d called several times, but she still wasn’t answering. You turned your attention to your hair, putting it in two braids, when you finally heard your ringtone.

“Hey, are you okay? I tried calling like a hundred times.” You spoke over speaker phone, starting on your other braid.

“Yeah, I suppose I’m alright…well, a little anyway.” She sounded sad. You’d be willing to bet the $500 sitting in your savings account that you knew where this conversation was going. 

“What happened?” 

“Well, you see, my dad was real sore about my hair. He said it made me look cheap and…”

“You’re grounded…”

“Yeah…”

You sighed, “Marj, we’re twenty. Your dad can’t ground you forever.” 

She sighed back, “I know…I keep hoping that maybe he’ll stop the older I get, but really, I’m getting older everyday and he’s not stopping!”

You groaned, flopping back on your bed, “So, I’m just going to go hang out with Kenny alone…”

“You say that like you haven’t wanted to date him since we were in high school.” Marjorine said, a smile clearly perking up on her face. You could tell by her tone.

“Yeah, but like..” You tried to start replying back.

“But nothing! Go and have a good time!” she said, “And use protection!”

“Marjorine!” You gasped, shaking your head at her response.

“I’m just saying.” She replied. Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door.

“Marjorine, are you on your phone?!” Her father’s voice boomed.

“No, dad…I’m just…uh…talking to myself!” She replied back nervously. You could hear her father barking out orders at her to stay quiet and to think about what she’d done. Quickly, she wished you luck and ended the call.

You looked at your phone, noticing it was almost time for you to leave and decided that you would start gathering your things so that you could go. Once you arrived, you immediately noticed Kenny’s truck. It was an older model with rusted parts, chipped paint, and numerous crude and comedic stickers littering both the back glass and the door to the bed.

Part of you wanted him to not show up. Sure, you’d been harboring a crush on Kenny, but to think you’d be able to pull him? There was no way. He liked girls with big boobs, curves, full lips, and gorgeous skin. Compared to those girls, you just felt normal, like there was nothing special about you. You’d been told you were beautiful, funny, and smart, but going after Kenny still felt futile.

You parked next to his truck and then got out, walking towards the pond with your bag in hand. You soon noticed the blonde boy laying on a tattered quilt blanket. He was wearing only orange swim trunks and a pair of aviator sunglasses. His head turned toward you and he did a double take, tossing his hand up to greet you.

You walked over and sat your bag down next to the blanket. Kenny let out a soft wolf-whistle. “Baby, baby, baby…” He said, “I thought the view of the pond was beautiful, but you’ve got it beat.”

You rolled your eyes, sitting down on the blanket. “You’re full of it, Ken.” you said. He chuckled, shaking his head, “I’m just observing.”

“Uh huh…”

“Where’s Marj?” 

“Grounded”

“Shit…I mean, that sucks, but hey…” He turned on his side to look at you, “At least we get some time just you and me, right?”

Your chest tightened and you took a deep breath, “Mhmmm…”

“So…you seeing anyone?”

You rolled your eyes again. He was always so flirty with everyone. This was his baseline. You had to keep this at the front of your mind and just roll with his advances and play along with the game he was initiating. 

You shook your head, taking out your sunscreen. You twisted the nozzle so that it would spray and went over your arms, chest, and legs. Kenny held his hand out and you handed the bottle to him, expecting him to apply a coat to his already tanned skin. Instead, he sat up and slid behind you and sprayed your back.

“What are you…?” You lost your train of thought as he reached up and started gently rubbing it into your back.

Your breath hitched in your throat, “U-Uh…it’s…it’s touch free…”

“Oh?” He said. You could hear the smirk in his voice, “I didn’t read the bottle.” He leaned in closer to you until his breath was on your ear, “My bad…”

A shiver ran down your spine and he laughed under his breath again, moving back to the blanket. “So, why’d Clyde say he’d been talking to you if you’re single, then?”

“Because he’s full of shit.” 

It was a plain reply to the question because that was the honest truth. Clyde tended to be a bit of an attention seeker and this kind of behavior was a norm with him almost as much as being flirtatious was to Kenny. 

“Interesting…” Kenny laughed, “I think you should take that up with him.”

“It’s not that serious.” You laughed, laying back on the blanket, turning your head to look at him.

“I think you should tell him that you’re not talking to him because you’re talking to me.”

“Lie to end a lie?”

“Doesn’t have to be a lie.”

“You’re something else, you know that, right?”

The small talk and banter between the two of you went on for what felt like minutes, but upon looking at the clock on your lockscreen, you found out it’d been hours. The sun was starting to set and the two of you were the last people remaining at the pond.

“We should go get food.” You suggested, gesturing towards him with his sunglasses that you were holding, having taken them from him hours ago upon realizing that yours had been left in Marjorine’s car days ago.

“Or we could skinny dip and then get food.” He retorted, shrugging as if he didn’t ask you to get naked in public with him.

“You’re insane.”

“Some people would find that hot, you know?”

“Pretty sure skinny dipping is illegal.”

“No guts, no glory…plus, our police force is a joke. I think we’ll be fine.”

“You think.”

Kenny got up from the blanket and started down to the water. He turned towards you and smirked. “I know…” He then jumped into the water, making a large splash that landed on the blanket and your legs.

He re-emerged only seconds later and held his swim trunks over his head. “Kenny!” You gasped.

“Yes?” His smile was absolutely devious. You got up and walked to the edge of the water only for him to pull his hand back and send his swim trunks launching towards you, only landing on your feet due to the weight of the water in the fabric.

You couldn’t think of anything else to say so you just crossed your arms over your chest and watched the blonde who was currently smiling so widely you could finally see the small gap in his smile from his missing tooth. You had to admit…the colors and lighting of the sunset mixed with the beads of water rolling down his shoulders and his wet hair…If Kenny was anything, it was beautiful.

“Take a picture sweetheart, it’ll last longer.” You’d gotten caught. You took a hard swallow, choosing not to respond to his comment. “Man, this water is getting cold…it’d be nice if someone else would join me so I could suck up their body heat.”

He couldn’t be that desperate. You sighed, “Okay…okay…”

You jumped in, resurfacing right in front of him moments later. He grinned playfully. “Lucky me.” He closed the gap between you two, wrapping his arms around your waist and bringing your body in close to him.

“You are ridiculous.” You tried to sound stern, but you couldn’t help but form a smile at his reaction to your presence. He seemed genuinely happy to have you in the water with him with your bodies so close together…but of course he does. It’s Kenny. Something like this is his idea of paradise. You were brought back to your thoughts earlier about Kenny’s baseline and his affinity for the ladies.

“You still with me?” he asked, noticing how your thoughts had drifted from your current position to the depths of your mind. You turned your attention back to him, “Yeah, I was just…thinking…”

“Bout what?” he asked, reaching up to play with the end of your hair delicately, 

“You”

“Me? Huh, it really is my lucky day, isn’t it?”

“Who says it’s good?”

“Well, damn, the thought didn’t cross my mind, but I guess you’re right.” He chuckled.

He leaned in, his lips curved up in a smirk as he leaned in in an attempt to kiss you. You reached up with two fingers and pressed them to his lips to stop him. He pulled back and laughed, shaking his head.

“You’re naked in a pond with me right now…I don’t think that should be our first kiss.”

“So, you’re telling me that if I put my clothes back on, you’d kiss me?” 

“We’ll see…”

“I never thought I’d want to get my clothes back on with you instead of staying naked.” he said.

A few minutes later, Kenny was redressed and you’d dried off and put the t-shirt he’d come to the pond in over your suit. It was now fully dark, the only light coming from his headlights after he’d turned the car on. 

“So…where do you wanna go for food?” he asked, leaning against the car. You shrugged and stood beside him, leaning your back against the vehicle as well. “I”m up for anything, really. I’m not picky. Anything beats frozen waffles for the fourth time this week.”

“McDonald’s?” You questioned, earning a nod in response from the blonde.

“Before we go, though…you said that if we weren’t naked and in the pond you’d kiss me.”

You let out a deep breath from your nose and looked at him, not responding, but raising both eyebrows questioning him ever so slightly.

“So…can we?” He grinned.

“Why do you want to kiss me anyway? You can have your pick of any girl in South Park…or have you just blown through all of your options over the years and I’m the last girl on the list?” You questioned, “It’s not like you’ve actively tried pursuing me before. Why now?”

Kenny looked taken aback by your question, “I…” He paused, as if trying to gather his thoughts. You must’ve honestly thrown him a curveball he was never expecting. “I don’t know…guess I thought you’d never go for me. You’re kind of too good for me. At least, that’s what Marj says.”

“Marj? What’d she say?”

“Oh, I told her I wanted to ask you out like…Christmastime-ish…and she was like ‘Nah, she’s too smart and too good for you. She won’t put up with your shit.’ and one night, after smoking a blunt, I thought some more about it and realized that she’s probably right and that you’re not going to put up with my shit and that even though you’re totally one of the most gorgeous girls I’ve ever seen I…”

You cut him off by leaning in to kiss his lips. He smiled against your lips and instantly kissed back, moving over you to lean you even further back against the hood of his truck, resting both arms on each side of your head until one hand slid down and came to rest on your hip, hooking his finger into your belt loop to pull you in closer. You kept kissing him, letting your hands slide down his bare chest, a shiver running down your spine at the small moan that left his lips as your hands moved. Finally, you had to pull back to catch your breath.

You took a second, just looking at him, your E/C eyes staring into his baby blues. Then, you spoke up, “I'm still not putting up with your shit, though.” You both laughed in response and he shrugged his shoulders.

“Makes sense.” He said, leaning in to kiss you again. The kiss once again turned heated, you locking a leg around his waist and his hands traveling past the hem of his shirt that you were wearing to caress the slightly exposed skin of your abdomen and then move to your back, reaching up to play with the tie on your bathing suit. You stopped him, putting a hand up to his arm to get his attention.

“Shit…” He shook his head, “I”m sorry, I–”

“Don’t apologize.” You began, “I just think it’d be a little more private in the truck.”

That’s how you found yourself on your back in the cramped single cab of Kenny’s truck for the first time that summer. His lips were traveling down your body and your chest was rising and falling at a rapidly increasing pace the further he maneuvered himself downward. You glanced down at him and met his eyes as he looked up at you, his fingers hooked themselves in the sides of your swimsuit bottoms. He shifted his position a little as he was still partially standing outside of the truck. 

You could barely make out his features in the dim overhead light of the truck, but you could notice how his eyes were a deeper shade of blue than earlier. His face was flushed, his shaggy mullet was even messier from the presence of your hands, and he was wearing a shit-eating grin that looked absolutely devious, but you could’ve sworn you’d never seen anything more attractive and enticing in your life.

“G-Go ahead…”

From that point forward, any nights off you both shared were spent in either his bed, the backseat of your car, or the bed of his truck. You remembered recalling the first two weeks to Marjorine after finally deciding that things were stable enough to share with at least your best friend.

You didn’t notice that she was about to take a sip of her can of soda when you casually stated “Kenny and I are like…seeing each other…well, if fucking counts as seeing each other.” Marjorine promptly started coughing, the bright green can of Mountain Dew coming back to the carpet of her floor as she tried to regain her composure. 

“Excuse me, what?”

Despite the harsh way that you would describe your encounters with the blonde, the affairs themselves were anything but. Kenny was nothing but a gentleman to you, always asking if you were alright, taking care of you afterwards, and only getting rougher with your permission. Even then, he’d talk you through it, ensuring you felt safe and comfortable no matter what. It didn’t take too long into your “relationship” for the crush you’d been harboring for years to evolve into full feelings.

Your kisses became more passionate and more frequent. Your touches became more forward and increased in frequency as well. As far as you could tell, Kenny was eating it up and taking it all in and there was no doubt in your mind that he absolutely felt the same. After consulting with Marjorine one night, you decided to finally ask Kenny the burning question.

“What are we?”

You didn’t expect the question to hang in the air the way that it did. You were sitting up in your bed, knees pulled into your chest wearing only his t-shirt and a pair of panties. Kenny was redressing himself after Cartman disrupted the nap you two had been taking by blowing up his phone, asking him to help him with some ridiculous scheme since Marjorine wasn’t answering her phone.

He turned back to you looking like a deer in the headlights. “What do you mean?” he asked as if the question wasn’t clear cut as is. You let out a mild sigh of frustration. Kenny wasn’t stupid by any means. Despite the rumors, you’d see his grades when he’d log on and check them and he was able to hack into just about any video game to make mods to fit any desire he may have during gameplay. 

“Are we like…together, or?”

“Like…dating?” He was buttoning up the tacky orange Hawaiian shirt he’d been wearing, completely missing a button, obviously jarred by this conversation.

“I mean, yeah.” It came out like a question when it was definitely a statement. 

He leaned against your dresser, sliding on his slip on Vans, “I mean…I don’t know.” He shrugged, “We do like…everything couples do…but I hadn’t put much thought into it.”

“You haven’t put much thought into it?” You repeated, dumbfounded at this response. He’d started saying something else, but it sounded like white noise to your ears and you quickly cut him off, “You’ve had a month and a half of spending many nights a week balls deep in me and you haven’t taken a single second to think ‘Hey, would I actually like to date this person or am I just wasting both of our time and fucking them until something better comes along?’”

Kenny really looked shocked now. Somewhere in your rant, he’d started re-buttoning his shirt, but he stopped midway when you started talking and was now looking at you with both sides of the shirt in his hand and his eyes blown wide in shock. He finally let go of the shirt to run his hands over his face.

“Y/N…”

“Kenny, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me…”

“What…like…I just…I don’t know and Marj has been asking me the same thing and like…I haven’t even told anyone, if I'm honest.”

“Kenny what the fuck!?” Your voice was getting louder, “Why am I some secret of yours? Is it so you can go around and fuck other girls like you’d been doing? I told you, I”m not putting up with your bullshit.”

“Oh my god…” He groaned, throwing his head back, “Listen, it’s not like that. I just…I don’t know. That’s it. I don’t know.”

Tears were welling up in your eyes, “Just get out, Kenny.”

“But…”

“Go.”

He shrugged and let out a sigh, “Okay…fine. See you around.”

As soon as you could hear the tell-tale aged, loud roar of his truck’s engine, you dissolved into tears. You pulled his shirt over your head and threw it at the wall, burying yourself under your covers as your tears turned into full sobs. How could you have been so stupid? Everything you’d ever heard about him was true and Marjorine was right. You deserved better than him.

Weeks had passed since your breakup, if you could even call it that, with Kenny. You hadn’t spoken to him since and made sure to avoid him at all costs. You were not about to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he’d hurt you.

 It was now nearing the middle of August and the now-annual college send-off party at Tegridy Farms was rolling around signaling the end of summer and the parting of ways of all of your childhood friends that happened at this time of year.

“I still don’t want to go.” You said plainly, looking at your reflection in the mirror that hung from your bedroom door.

“It’s a tradition, Y/N and we always have fun! Remember last year when Mr. Marsh got on the karaoke machine and started singing Nicki Minaj and blacked out and broke the coffee table right before the best part of the song?” Marjorine stated, touching up her black eyeliner.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s a good spot to people watch. Maybe Clyde will get shitfaced again and end up screaming and crying for Bebe to take him back and then throw up in the yard, still crying.” You chuckled.

“See, that just makes me sad. He loves her so much and she just uses that boy whenever she wants something because he’s got money.” Marjorine glanced over at you, “Clyde’s got man written by a woman energy.”

You chuckled, “Marj, just because he’s kinda got a dad bod at 20, is sensitive, and is a male Swiftie doesn’t mean that he’s written by a woman. He killed his mom because he wouldn’t put the toilet seat down. That’s giving Mojo Dojo Casa House.”

“Ken was written by a woman, though!”

Not realizing she was following up your reference, you scoffed, “Oh, he most definitely is not. He’s written by some middle aged man that thinks shock value and sex jokes are still funny at their big-old-age.” 

“No, he’s not! Ken is just a himbo! He…” She paused and then realized what you’d said, “Oh…oh hamburgers…not the same Ken. I’m sorry.”

You realize what you’d said too, “My bad. I just…whew…I had a whole response to that. I’m so sorry, Marj.”

“It’s fine…and I agree. All of the broship were written by men of different ages…except Kyle…”

You stopped applying mascara to think about what she’d said and then nodded, “Sheila Brovlofski is the greatest author of our generation.”

The music was already blaring from inside when you pulled up to Tegridgy farms. Once you got out of your car, you could already smell the weed pouring outside. Typical party at Tegridgy. You reached into the pocket of your denim jacket and pulled out your vape, taking a few hits to calm your nerves. You knew, without a doubt, that you’d be running into Kenny tonight, and you weren’t sure how to handle it.

As you both approached the door, you knew you had to make up your mind sooner rather than later as to how you were going to handle this. In true fight, flight, or freeze nature, you could either avoid him at all costs, turn away and ignore him if he approaches you, or just freeze up and end up talking to him like nothing was wrong…and at this point, there was no telling as to what you’d choose.

You walked inside with your hands in your pockets, looking around to scope out the general area. There was a makeshift dance floor where multiple of your peers were either dancing or standing around, two tables of beer pong, and then the kitchen where the counters were littered with various alcohol bottles and almost artistic looking bongs.

You headed over to the counter and took a hold of the ingredients to make one of the only drinks you could confidently make for yourself: a tequila sunrise. You made yourself a double and Marjorine a single and handed it to her. “Aw, shucks, I really shouldn’t…you know how much of a light weight I am.” she said, staring into the cup, “Last time was bad…”

You chuckled, “It wasn’t that bad. You just called Eric sexy in front of a bunch of people which isn’t necessarily like…morally wrong or bad…just questionable and objectively incorrect.” You took a large sip of your drink, trying to get the alcohol to kick in as quickly as possible in case of an inevitable emergency and to drown the still lingering sorrows from that day in your bedroom.

Within the first hour of being there, you’d drank the double tequila sunrise you’d made for yourself, taken an old fashioned that Tolkien was preparing for multiple people, and had been consistently refilling your red cup with the jungle juice someone (Kenny) had prepared and put into several empty milk cartons of all things. Now, you were currently positioned at a bright green and black bong, taking a hit before passing it to one of the goth kids. Michael? Pete? Did it really matter? No, as long as it wasn’t Kenny.

You got up, fully preparing to just stride out of the kitchen and go find Marjorine but found out oh too quickly that you were too inebriated to stand up that quickly. You stumbled, vision a little blurry and your entire body feeling fuzzy.

“You okay?” The goth kid got up and leaned against his cane, extending his hand to you.

“Yeah, I’m good. I’m so good. I’m great, actually.” You blew him off, grabbing your cup and taking another sip as you stumbled off towards the living room where the couches and dance floor were. You flopped down on the couch next to a boy you were actually quite familiar with. His shaggy, dark hair was peeking out of his blue and yellow chullo and he was cutting his eyes over at you almost cautiously, as if he were afraid of you doing something.

“Hey Craig!” You slurred, leaning over onto him.

“Hey, Y/N.” His voice was as monotone as ever and he kept looking around and then over at you.

“Where’s Tweek?” You asked, reaching up to play with the side of his chullo as you put your legs into his lap. The brunette took a deep breath to gain his composure, “He got a little anxious so he’s outside smoking with Bebe. Do you need something?”

“Nuh uh…I'm so good!” You said, inching closer to him.

“Uh huh…sure you are.” His eyes stayed forward despite your close proximity to his face.

“You’re so hot, you know that right?” You said.

He fully turned to you, face burning red, riddled with shock. He was about to respond, when all of a sudden a flash of an orange hoodie dropped down on the arm of the couch next to him.

“Craig Tucker, what’s up, dude?”

“Ugh, not this guy.” Your tone shifted and your lack of filter continued.

“I know…you’re mad at me, sweetheart…but I promise, you’re going to be madder at yourself in the morning.” he laughed and then looked at Craig, “Swap with me.”

Craig muttered something. You only caught, “Good luck” as he got up and reached into his pocket, taking out a box of cigarettes as he headed towards the back porch.

“Get away from me.”

“I'm not trying anything. I’m just trying to keep you safe, because you’re kinda getting messy. I’ve been there, done that…and I just don’t want you to end up trying to fuck Cartman too.”

“I wasn’t trying to fuck, Craig! You’re such a fucking idiot!”

“Babe, relax. I was talking about Marj…New Years Eve.” He leaned his head back on the back of the couch, looking over at you. You could tell that despite his ability to hold a consistent conversation, his eyes were bloodshot. He’d most likely been smoking.

“You okay?” he asked, his tone turning more serious and soft.

“I”m fine.” You took your phone out of your pocket and attempted to unlock it, or so you thought, until Kenny reached over and snatched the phone away, pressing some buttons before sliding it in his pocket.

“Hey, give that back!”

“Babygirl, you were about to summon the pigs. Randy would’ve shit his pants.” he chuckled, “Pretty sure that’s a dead giveaway that you’re not okay.”

“This is a weed farm, not like an actual farm. There’s no pigs.”

Kenny laughed rather loudly, “You are absolutely right, baby. That it is. Thanks to me.”

“Stop calling me that.” You said, crossing your arms over your chest, “And give me my fucking phone back!”

He shook his head, “Can’t do that…either of those things, actually.”

“Fine.” You stood up and walked off. It must’ve taken Kenny a moment to process, because you got a little bit of a head start before he caught up with you in a hallway, where you stumbled slightly and then ended up leaning against the wall. 

You were dizzy and your body felt both light and heavy all at once. You wrapped your arms around yourself, craving some kind of pressure. You started to slide down the wall when you felt someone’s hand on your arm, following you down until you were both on the floor with whoever it was’ arms wrapped around you giving you the physical touch you’d been desiring.

“I’ve got you. You’re fine.”

You groaned. Of course, it was Kenny. You wanted to pull away, but instead you flopped over onto him, laying your head on his shoulder. He gently trailed his fingers down your bare arm, your jacket long since missing in the chaos of the party. 

“You just sleepy or do you feel like you’re going to be sick or something?” he asked softly. You shook your head, “No. Where’s my fucking vape?”

Kenny chuckled lowly, “I don’t know, babe. Did you bring it in with you?”

You nodded, wrapping an arm around his middle, “My jacket.”

“You’re not wearing a jacket.”

“I am.”

“You definitely aren’t. You’re wearing a sparkly pink dress.” He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to your exposed shoulder, “See, no jacket.”

You let out a whimper of disgust before Kenny reached into his pocket and handed you a hunter green colored vape pen, “It’s not your peach mango whatever the fuck that shit you smoke is, but…”

“Ugh, it’s menthol. Just give it to me.”

“How’d you remember that?” 

You shrugged and took a long hit, holding it for a moment before exhaling. You handed the pen back to him and watched as several people walked by, barely missing stepping on you or tripping over your feet. Kenny took notice of this and started to stand, helping you up along the way.

“No, I wanna sit.” You slurred, shaking your head.

“Why don’t we go home…” He said, “My parents are out for the night doing fuck knows what and Karen’s at her friend’s. It’ll just be us and you can get some sleep.”

When you were back on your feet, you shook your head, “No…I'm not sleeping with you. Not again, not after all that shit.” 

“No, no, no…not like that. I wouldn’t do that. I meant like…actually sleep.” He corrected himself, putting an arm around your waist as he started subtly leading you towards the door.

“Stop…why are you holding me? You don’t even like me!” You were starting to get louder as you spoke and Kenny looked at you with concern. He tightened his grip on you as you walked down the steps and headed towards his truck, hoping you wouldn’t fall.

“I do like you! I wouldn’t be helping you if I didn’t.”

“No, like…like me, like me…you dont like me.”

“Y/N…”

“Just shut up, Kenny.” You opened his truck door and flopped yourself in, slamming the door haphazardly behind you. Kenny pinched the bridge of his nose before walking to the other side of the truck, getting in and starting the engine. He leaned over and buckled you in and then took off his hoodie, leaving him in a white wife beater. He folded it up and then nudged you gently.

“Sit up.”

You moved a little away from your position of leaning up against the window long enough for him to slide the hoodie under your head. However, as soon as he positioned it, you sat up and pulled it down. You unbuckled your seatbelt and threw the hoodie onto your body. 

You heard Kenny mutter some curse words as he stopped backing out of the spot he was parked in to reach over and buckle you back into the seat with a sigh. You were about halfway to Kenny’s house when you felt your chest tighten. At first, you thought you were going to throw up. You were about to reach over and get Kenny’s attention so that he could pull over when you realized what was truly building inside of you and you broke down in tears.

Your head went into your hands as you sobbed. “What the…” Kenny spoke under his breath, turning his attention from the road to you briefly, reaching over to put his hand on your back, rubbing small circles.

“Hey…no…shhh…what’s got you so upset, babygirl?” he asked.

“Stop it!” You sobbed, reaching behind you to swat his hand away, “Stop saying that. Stop touching me. You don’t love me, so stop it!”

Kenny was silent momentarily, “What’s gotten into you? Like, I know we haven’t seen each other since that day in your room…and that’s my fault. I should’ve like…reached out or something, but I thought you hated me and…I promise. I fucking promise…I didn’t mean for it to come out the way that it did.”

“How else could it come out?” You cried, “You basically admitted that you didn’t want to be in a relationship with me and only wanted to fuck me even though I wanted to be with you and then you told me that you hadn’t told anyone about us probably because you wanted to fuck every girl you could this summer before they all packed it up and went back to college. That’s fucking ridiculous, Kenny. I thought the whole ‘McWhoremick” thing was like…a joke or like…the way your friends shit on you, but Jesus Christ.”

“I hadn’t told anyone because I didn’t know what we were and like…I knew that I liked you, but I didn’t know what else to do about it because Marj had told me so many times that you could do better and like…especially after that fight in your room…I knew you could do better so I just…tried to let you find that better? I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

“You never know! That’s the problem! How do you not know? You either love me or you don’t!”

“I just…”

You scoffed, “I love you! I love you. Is that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?”

He was silent for ages, only saying something about how you were drunk a mere seconds after your confession. You didn’t know at what point you’d pulled into Kenny’s driveway, but as soon as you registered where you were, you got out of the car and tried to storm towards the door, but stumbled, falling to your knees on the pavement. The sting of the scrape only added to your tears. You reached up and wiped your eyes, your crying becoming quieter as you were lifted to your feet by the boy who pulled you into his arms, running his fingers through your hair, pressing a kiss to your temple.

“It’s okay. You’re okay. Let's get you inside. We’ll clean your knees up…and wash your makeup off…and get you some water…and you can lay down.”

And that’s exactly what he did for you. You walked in and almost immediately collapsed onto his bed. He took this opportunity to clean your scraped knees and then got you up into a sitting position and helped you change into his hoodie and a spare pair of his boxers. You were half-asleep by the time that he took a makeup wipe to your face and started wiping the messy makeup off of your features. 

Lastly, Kenny got you situated in his bed, pulling the covers up and kissing your forehead. “I’m right here on the floor if you need anything. Popcorn bowl is on the floor. Water bottle is right next to it. Please, wake me up if you need me. I’ll be fine.”

You nodded in agreement, but then spoke up, “Can you stay with me?”

“Huh?” he asked, looking up at you from where he was sitting on the floor.

“Please sleep with me…” You said, reaching out towards him.

He chuckled, “You sure?”

You nodded again and scooted over to make room for him. He slid into the bedsheets and carefully positioned himself next to you, allowing you to move over and lay with your head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around you and closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep.

The next few hours were littered with infrequent bouts of sleep mixed with burying your face into the popcorn bowl as your stomach purged itself of the alcohol that remained in your system, running to the bathroom on the few chances you felt you could make it, crying, and drinking water. The entire time, Kenny held you, held your hair back, and wiped your face with a cool washcloth. 

By the time you woke up the next day around 1PM, you were still exhausted, not feeling well, and fairly lost in regards to the events of last night. You just knew that you woke up with Kenny wrapped around you and you were in his hoodie and boxers and you prayed to whatever higher power may be out there that you hadn’t fucked him again.

You sat up and ran a hand through your hair, looking around until your eyes fell on your charging phone laying on the ground. You picked it up and saw two texts from Marjorine on top.

She’ll be okay.

Hehehe I knew it ;)

“What?” you whispered, unlocking your phone. You went straight to Marjorine’s text thread. Under your last response to her, a “kk!” from when she arrived at your house before the party, there was a longish thread of messages that clearly went between her and Kenny.

Where are you? I’ve been looking for you for an hour! Are you okay?

Hey, Marj. Thanks for giving me her passcode. My phone died right after I called you and I put her phone on the charger in my room. I can charge mine when she wakes up.

Is she okay? Omg.

Yeah, just going back between screaming, crying, and throwing up…literally. At least she started that once we’d already left or it would’ve been real bad. 

Bless her heart! What’d you say to get her so upset?

It wasn’t me! Damn. She just got upset…about us…and then screamed at me that she loved me.

And you said?

Nothing. She was drunk. 

Drunk words are sober thoughts. ;)

So, you think Cartman is sexy, huh?

Oh my goddddd stop. That isn’t true and this isn’t about me. What do you think of her?

I…might’ve realized I fucked up literally the night we had that fight…and I haven’t known what to do about it…so…I just…loved her in secret and accepted that she deserved better. I’m just worried she’s going to wake up and like…regret saying all of this and like trying to have this conversation with me again.

She’ll be okay.

Hehehe I knew it ;)

Your chest felt full and tight all at the same time and your eyes soon fell upon the sleeping blonde, who was still wrapped around you despite you sitting upright at this point. You reached down and ran your fingers through his hair gently. A few passes through his blonde locks and he stirred, looking up at you.

“Morning, beautiful.” he spoke groggily, “You okay?”

You nodded, “Just tired…”

“Mm…come lay back down then. Let's go back to bed.”

It was your turn to smirk over at him, “You love me, huh?”

“What?”

You pulled up the texts again, showing him and then reading his own words to him verbatim, “So…I just…loved her in secret and accepted that she deserved better.”

“Hey, that’s a private conversation!” he laughed.

“On my phone…” You retorted.

“Yeah!”

“So, do you love me?” You moved back down to laying next to him, turned on your side, propped up on your elbow. He blushed, lips curving back up into his famous devious grin.

“Ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?”

“I think I've heard worse.”

With a giggle and a kiss to his lips, your relationship with Kenny transitioned just as the seasons outside had started to move from the bright colors of an otherwise dark summer for you to the warm, comforts of fall…all starting and ending in that beat-up pickup. 

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

What doesn't kill me makes me want you more

[bagelbeee]

Is it too soon to declare my love for Lovely Runner?

Seriously.

Watching it just makes me happy, and with no following episodes, I'm stuck dealing with these feelings. So what other way than to put on my goggles and look closer right?

*cracks knuckles*

Alright, here's my love letter to Lovely Runner.

The band

I'm a sucker for amazing OSTs. I've been listening to their soundtrack nonstop because it just so good and it pairs with the youth and hopeful energy this drama gives off. They really convinced us that ECLIPSE is a well-known band. Man, I wish they'd release the full performances (I hope they did film it)!

And don't get me started with the vocals!

SEON-JAE'S ACTOR (Byeon Woo-seok) RECORDED THOSE SONGS HIMSELF. From his GQ Korea interview, it appeared that he's been diligently practicing and preparing for it! His preparation paid well, his singing was awesome. THE BAND WAS AWESOME.

I understand why Im Sol supported them.

Speaking of our heroine--Kim Hye-yoon portrayed her so well 🥹

From the first episode, I knew she'd be on fire! It's so fun to see her act in various ways (an old woman, a cringy teenager, a fan, a friend, a daughter/grand-daughter) It all just clicks when she's set her mind on it.

The characters they introduced so far were also lovely! They have substance and I can't wait to see how they grow as time passes. There's so much to say about everyone's dynamics, but I'll keep it to myself for now.

I know the elements of this drama are things I've seen before (time-slip, do-overs, idol-fan, mystery, plot-twist-A-liked-B-first-before-B-even-knew-A), but something about the way they played these card stuck with me.

Seon-jae and Sol's history was a surprise to me because I thought the drama was about present-Sol helping present-Seon-jae gain back his passion for music, acting, and life. I thought this was the FIRST time they've met. BUT I WAS WRONG. I'm so happy I was.

Seeing Seon-jae yearn for her without an ounce of selfishness shattered me. aND knowing Sol admired him without an ounce of entitlement turned me into a puddle.

Both of them cherished each other beyond self-interest.

Sol became a fan because he had encouraged her to live. She didn't fall for a pretty face nor a gentle voice. Seon-jae's words reached her not because he tried to maintain a good image, but because he intended for her to live on.

Speaking of, Seon-jae's crush bloomed when she shielded him with an umbrella and gifted him candies for doing his "job" (Remember this is Sol mistaking him for a deliveryman--she's too sweet!). He didn't like her for being a fan; he liked Sol for her kindness and character even before the timeslip.

And once Sol finally got the opportunity to get close to him, approaching Seon-jae was built on the idea of saving him, not to get together with him.

Aside from being a breath of fresh-air, think it's also hilarious because Seon-jae's mind is swimming with I-like-you-and-I've-been-trying-to-confess-to-you thoughts, and he's just trying win points and not to royally mess things up with Sol. He's just a sweet guy with a big crush on an equally sweet girl.

Man, there's so much development on the way! I haven't covered everything, but for now, I think their story will grow into a really awesome tale about love being self-transcending and enabling.

[topiealdohats]

I remember the first day I saw Sora. I didn't know then how much I would end up loving the guy, but fate works in ways we don't expect. I was walking outside of my house holding my mom's hand, and there he was, riding on his dad's shoulders, the two just passing by. Our parents greet each other, and Sora and I make eye contact, but we don't get to interact until much later.

One of our preschool teachers loved taking pictures of kids she was in charge of, so there were a lot of pictures of us from that time. Even from the time I was too shy to be friends with him, there's pictures of those moments. Us sitting next to each other with Sora just looking elsewhere with a cute smile, us eating on the same kids’ table with him looking like he's really enjoying the food, those kinds of moments were just proof of how much of a withdrawn kid I was.

There was this moment when Sora sang a really old but classic song on karaoke for everyone to hear, and I was enamored by his voice. He sang that song so well. We only really realized what the lyrics meant when we got older, which is kind of hilarious to think for a small kid to sing about, but it never stopped being a song that I associated with him. I wanted to be his friend back then. And I got my wish.

I cherish the times when it was just us two. We met Terra and Aqua when it was just us, his dad taking us out to our special island to play. That time when I saw him suddenly shed a tear, with something squeezing him inside, and I just said what made sense to me from what I knew at the time just to help him. I remember feeling a sense of relief that my words calmed Sora again. The stars that night were beautiful, and I just remembered how happy I was being there with him at the time. We were best friends at that point. Sora said so himself to Aqua. I could never call him that and be that sincere back then, but he knew I thought the same of him. And weirdly, my own sincere feelings were easier to say when I was talking to Terra, because it felt less vulnerable to share how I felt about my friends… well, my best friend, with a stranger than with Sora.

And then the night of the meteor shower, Kairi arrived. She was the new girl at the mayor's house. We all became friends, all three of us. And we got to hang out at Sora's place all the time if we weren't on our special island. The island eventually became hers as much as it was ours. And I felt Sora being so enamored with Kairi the way I was with him. I felt pressure to start feeling the same for Kairi as well, because I couldn't admit feeling the same for him. And in a way, I did grow to care about Kairi so much that I didn't have to pretend anymore. But I also wanted to selfishly have Sora for myself again sometimes, and our toy sword sparring and constant attempts to one-up each other ended up being that small way to still have something for ourselves.

When we were younger, I wanted to go on adventures with him. I wanted to be grown up. I wanted to see the world, get stronger for Sora (and eventually, for Kairi, too). But I also treasured the moments when it was just us three being kids and really spending so much time together that I couldn't think of a reason why we'd ever be apart. All three of us fit on the same bed because we were so small, and even when we grew up, we laid down a larger mattress just to sleep over and be with each others’ warmth.

Eventually, the events of how the islands fell happened. And it hasn't been the same ever since. Sora and Kairi grew closer in a way that I could never do with either of them just from a societal standpoint, and I felt like the third wheel all the time. I don't really like talking about how stupid I was during those years, and I went through a lot of moments of growth after it, too. I said goodbye at the door from the Realm of Darkness’ side, asking Sora to take care of her. And I meant every word.

When we got to return to the islands after defeating Xemnas for the first time, there was a short time when everything felt the same again. Granted, we were much older, and we had already gone through our own battles with our personal demons. I had to do a lot while Sora was asleep, that whole thing with Roxas and Xion, but I knew I had to do it for him. Kairi was safe on the islands, but I also knew she needed a way to defend herself if danger came her way again, so when I got Destiny's Embrace, I knew it was for her.

I also solidly knew at the point in time after the Xemnas battle that Sora and Kairi had each other in a way that I never could with either of them. I had them as my best friends, but that was all I could have. I still dream about Sora, and the dreams became stronger after becoming a literal Dream Eater for him, but I think that's all they are.

I know I have to rescue him for him and Kairi to be together again. But I also know that I love him, and I've gained the strength to protect, not only Kairi, but also and especially Sora, the person most special to me, if I needed to. That's why I have to save him myself. The way he risked his life to save Kairi multiple times, that power is with me for Kairi and for him now. He needs to come back. I need to be there for their wedding, when they're old enough to get wed. And in my dreams, I can imagine being married to him, too. We went through so much together, and I spent so many days apart from him thinking about him, from the day I first laid eyes on him. I just want him to be happy.

[freebooter4ever]

really stupid trivial things im doing to try to help the pots and the mystery symptoms:

singing. supposedly this activates the nerve that controls the heart/brain/stomach. and pots deregulates that nerve. so i sing all the time now, whenever i can. i have no idea if this is helping. however i did notice that when this started and the symptoms were really scary, if i called a friend and talked or made a video of myself talking it seemed to make me feel better. singing is sort of my lonely girl replacement for calling a friend.

cold showers. this one is the biggest transformation. 100% helped the pots symptoms in the morning. hot showers would make the dizziness worse but cold showers calm it. and it puts me in a sort of meditative state. its also supposed to activate that nerve but again who knows lol. the downside is fucking cold showers are miserable.

timing meal times exactly 5 hrs apart to allow for a single hr where my brain is 'normal'. this is not so successful as sleeping is hard and i dont fall asleep early enough or get up early enough to keep breakfast and lunch 5 hrs apart.

compression tights. this actually seems to be helping but only if i use the lightest level of compression - normal socks almost work just as well. i suspect this is because my pots is technically 'not severe' (the brain fog and dizziness says otherwise but at least this means my heart isnt struggling too hard)

salt/water. this is so much harder than it sounds. balancing out the amount of salt to water intake is delicate and a pain in the ass. yesterday i had too little water because i was at the event all night and not drinking regularly and it fucked me up.

mastur"bation. okay, this is the funny one. i cant exercise so i was like well what can i do to release endorphins that doesn't require running. yeah. hilariously its working well, my mood is better on the days i dont skip my morning personal time. my blogs 👀 tag has been getting a lot of use lately lmaoooo. honestly im just glad my se"x drive hasn't disappeared again - supposedly vag"nal dryness can be one of the symptoms of the auto immune thing in addition to my dry eyes and hands and throat but uh. absolutely noooooo problem there with me. nice and wet LOL. im kinda hoping maybe this means there is a chance its not auto immune related.

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL

June 2023 Wk 3 

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Step By Step (Tues WeTV & Gaga) ep 9 of 12 - There sure is a lot of drinking in this show (who am I to talk?). Omg so awkward: The not-break-up not-confession. I have heartburn. Also I could not watch Jeng break down. Just nope. Then time jump? If that was our DOOM episode the timing is off. Or next week is the final? Or we get 3 eps of domestic bliss and sexitimes? I’m confused. 

La Pluie (Sat iQIYI) ep 9 of 10 - I like how trope-subversive this show is - first soulmates, then love triangle, now the faen fatal. NO SINGING. Oh good. They didn’t! Yay! So yeah I still love it. But I am also still a touch scared of where it might go. This one can’t be trusted. 

Be My Favorite (Fri YouTube) ep 5 of 12 - not a bad ep this week or was I too drunk to register nuance and damage? You decide. Trash watch here.

Luminous Solution (Sat Gaga) ep 5 of 6 - I always have to psyche myself up to watch this show, because I want to fast forward through most of it, but it’s on Gaga so that’s damn near impossible. At least this is the penultimate episode. I think after 3 BLs I can safely say Gun is just not a good actor. Speaking of... crying clothed in the shower? I haven’t seen that trope in years. But I LOVE the high school boys and their story so much. Love Sick level of earnest floppy goodness, I’m such a sucker for this kind of romance. I want them to be in a completely different BL. I’m so conflicted. I NEED this show to end so I can decide how I feel about it.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Love Tractor (Korea Weds iQIYI) eps 5-6 of 8 - So much is happening, evil x-boyfriend shows up. We got flashbacks to coming-out drama + nasty dad (super unusual for a KBL). But baby’s first taste of desire is hilarious. This one is full of lovely contrasts, and contrasting life experiences. It’s all about support and neglect. 

Tokyo in April AKA Shigatsu no Tokyo wa (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 2 of 8 - Very much full of hero worship and giving me My Beautiful Man vibes (only softer and office set). “Dazzling” = always an interesting word when it comes up in JBL subs. It’s clearly a Japanese word/concept like kawaii  that is more complex than the English word being used. Meanwhile, this being Japan we get lots of hints as to separation and dark past events. 

Tie The Knot (prev Under the Same Sky) (Pinoy YouTube) eps 1-2 of 8 - From OXIN Films (Rainbow Prince), based on a true story (?!), Briggs's family runs a bridal business but he has never fallen in love until he meets a groom to be in an arranged marriage. EXACTLY the same premise at Mame’s forthcoming Wedding Planner. There are so many characters and prospective couples (including a v bi girl with a female fuck buddy, not seen that in a BL before) that it is a little hard to keep straight (heh). I’m sure it will shake out. It’s intriguing so far, if a touch silly. I actually like the arranged marriage premise because the two rich kids involved in it are so weirdly kind & platonically sweet to each other, even if they’re both on the same page about it only being for show. 

Vian the series (Vietnam YouTube ) ep 7 & 8 of 12 - Apparently there is very little difference between a cat and a demanding princess of a boyfriend. That clocks. Basically this was the dating times. 

Naked Dinner AKA Zenra Meshi (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 11 of 12 - There is a lot more meat to this silly little BL then I thought there would be given the premise, but it’s Japan so that’s as it should be. But, as it’s Japan there’s also a little too much cringe for me. I do enjoy how generous Japan is with late bloomers and I would def like to host a kimchi party  but otherwise... meh. 

Stupid Genius (Vietnam Fri YouTube) ep 3 of 6 - Bi erasure still alive and well I see. This one remains fine for VBL but no more than that.

It’s airing but ...

House of Stars (Thai Mon iQIYI) 12 eps - I bounced at ep 3. Will binge if told it is worth it at end.

Stay (Pinoy YouTube) 7 eps - It’s mostly in English and set in LA so I’m not bothering but the first one did drop.

Ever After (Pinoy YouTube) - I investigated but as spies reported it's a real mess (not a hot one). Don’t bother. 

About Us but Not About Us (Pinoy Prime?) - from 2022 supposed to be finally getting inter distribution, didn’t show in my territory. A professor grieving the loss of his partner meets an ambitious literature student. I’m not fussed. 

Stay With Me ... NO! 

In case you missed it

What Did You Eat Yesterday movie, BL Express posted a review. I’ve yet to get hold of it but if you enjoy Our Dining Table this is it’s grown up parent series & movie. 

Café in Love - I finally got around to watching this. And frankly it hits all the tropes but is so damn bad. The setting is cute, the central brotherly relationship is sweet, the side cast is v queer (baby gay has all these auntie queens catting about) and some complex bisexual awakenings but… but… everything else is a chemistry void. Some fun language wordplay and exploration of cultural tropes like cheek kissing does not save it from an unnecessary amount of punching  and a but ton of sexual harassment and statutory rape. No thank you. I had to rewatch Destiny Seeker to get over this. 3/10 

I gave up 

Takumi-kun Series 6: Nagai Nagai Monogatari no Hajimari no Asa (Japan Sun ????) 10 eps - NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS and no, I have no idea where to get it, why would I? Apparently it finished. I still can’t find it but it’ll be off this list next week.

Why You (Khmer ????) - Billed as a horror romance, not sure if this is a movie or a series where it aired... nothing except that it exists.

Next Week Looks Like This:

3 BLs are finishing but nothing is starting up. We running lean these days. 

Just started today (Sunday): Dinosaur Love (Thai iQIYI) Trailer 10 eps - from Ultimate Troop about a uni student, Rak, whose partner cheats on him with Rak's best friend. This gives bad boy hazer Dino an opportunity to hit on Rak at last. From The Yearbook people so I shouldn’t watch this as it airs. After Remember Me? I swore never again with them. But there’s so little on right now, I might fall on the pulp sword. 

I’ll include it in next week’s summation. 

I’ll have the July 2023 upcoming for you next week too. 

2023 forthcoming BL master post (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED)

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

I love him, Your Honor. (Be My Favorite... HIM, he’s my favorite.) 

I love them, Your Honor. (Luminous Solution) 

Watch a tiny GL ship set sail across the seas of overly optimistic tumblrs... (La Pluie)

MY PRECIOUS! OMG I LOVE HER SO MUCH. (Tie the Knot) 

Incidentally, I would like a future as a dictatorial elder queer running a slightly shady business fleecing the straights via their dumb marriage traditions surrounded by nubile half-naked hotties.

And ya know what? I think this is achievable life goal for me. 

Gotta go, I have a future to plan. 

(Last week.)

[youngveinsworld]

quotes from a recap of the young veins' show at the crowbar in tampa, florida on 9 july 2010

standing in line, as people came, made me feel old, really, since most people i saw were there with parents. that was strange-- i've never felt so old. mostly, though, i performed failed attempts at fanning myself with my hand and then discovered it worked much better with a dollar bill for the better part of an hour. And i chewed gum, which is pretty much the only reason my mouth stayed hydrated. it still perplexes me how those girls could stand to be out there in jeans or leggings.

the bouncer who let us in was rather hilarious. he spent his time playing a counting game with himself to see how many people he could put x's on in a row. and then he was bemused by my being from ohio-- he was like 'did you drive down here for this? wtf?'. he was slightly less shocked once i told him i was on vacation.

i kept spotting nick white talking to the bouncer and, at one point, ryan walking around behind the crowd, though i'm not entirely sure how he walked through the entire bar without someone coming up to him.

the young veins came onstage in short sleeves, for once, except nick murray, who was crazy enough to don a button up. even ryan had on his red white and blue polo, which amused me as i had spent time outside earlier wondering if he would end up wearing it, since i doubted even crazy little ryan ross would want to be onstage in a three piece suit in that kind of weather.

their set up took even longer than black gold's, unfortunately, with ryan tripping over numerous power cords, plugging and unplugging shit from the power strip, and repositioning both his pedals and his water cups for the better part of fifteen minutes. my time, then, was spent marveling at how in the world ryan's toothpick legs hold him up and concurring that jon is even prettier now than the last time i saw him.

the sound guy was a huge dick to them, too, and it took him ten minutes to get nick's keyboard fully sounded. ryan was being rather sassy with him, as his guitar was giving some intense feedback, and eventually he was just snapping shortly at him and said it was fine, whatever. it was obviously not that fine, though, and he spent the first three songs readjusting his mic stand and dragging his floor amp around and gesturing to the sound guy to turn up his mic. at one point he clarified to us that we were being lovely, it's just that the sound sucked and that he was sorry for being so cranky, but he used to be in the foo fighters, and he just wasn't used to it.

his snarky little bitch attitude was fabulous, to be honest, and he eventually got so fed up that he was just like 'fuck it. i'm moving.' and dragged his amp and his stand back right in front of me and huffily continued.

the rest of their set went fabulously, in my opinion, and i was really feeling the jive of it all. he dedicated 'capetown' to jon for saving his life when he tried to get married and give away his passport to a girl while he was 'most likely drunk'. and they dedicated a song to black gold so that, according to ryan, 'they wouldn't owe them anything, anything'.

the recent joke about being in a motorcycle gang was continued, with ryan and jon bantering back and forth about how they used to be in the foo fighters but before that they were in a motorcycle gang who traveled all over the world and did lots of dangerous deeds and then ryan goes 'and what was that gang called jon?' and jon told us that it was also called the foo fighters, and that 'that's where the name comes from'. during all this ryan was riffing on his guitar as background music, which was quite cute.

he also, before 'everyone but you' told us that it was a sad song and and that we needed to be quiet and really listen to the words jon was singing because they were serious and we should be too. that song sounds so fabulous live, i must say. another one i really liked live was 'security', which i cannot get out of my head and i spent the night singing in the hotel hallways.

ryan thanked us a lot for changing his night, saying that he was kind of 'bummin' about the sound, but we turned it around. he also thanked rooney for letting him sit on their air conditioned bus earlier because he was super hot.

after they finished their set i was about to die a slow and painful death from the aches in my legs and i decided to get out of the front and sit on the railing. i ended up going over to buy merch instead, and subsequently ended up smushed in a large group of people for about a minute.

there was a riser next to the stage with some tables that i ended up standing on to wait for rooney and ended up talking to ryan once i saw he was there. mostly i wanted to stare at him instead of being coherent, because dear lord that boy is even more gorgeous than i remember him-- such a pretty little shit. instead i joked with him about our stripes matching and explained my tattoo idea to him and had him write 'hey moon' out for me in my notebook, and once he did he was all 'are you sure that's okay? my handwriting is lame' which it is not. stylized it will look fabulous. he was rather shocked that i was gonna tattoo my ribs, though, when i told him about it.

i also took a picture of him with my diana camera, which was funny because he was like 'should i strike a pose?' and was posing around a bit and i was like 'dude. stay still. you're fine.' and then i apparently blinded him with my flash, because he was like 'fuuuuck. briiiiight.' afterwards.

i also talked a bit to jon, who was very smiley and pretty, and had him write me another 'hey moon'. i asked if i could take his picture and he was like 'let's take one!' and i was like 'no, of you, haha' and he was like 'oh ok, noooo problem' and i then blinded him as well. he was quite an excitable little shit.

so, conclusively, best decision i've made in a while and totally worth it. i love ryan ross (and his bitchy little 'tude) unwaveringly and without shame.

– from this Livejournal post

[ratfreecog]

How was newsies vibrates excitedly

IT WAS SO GOOD I SAW IT LAST NIGHT

This school has such a big budget drama program it’s insane good on them for actually valuing the arts. The theater was huge it felt like walking into a professional venue in my city not a high school. I wish my old school cared that much our drama teacher got fired for embezzling our club’s funds. Jack, Davey, Katherine, and Crutchie were all so good it was insane. Also, girl Crutchie!! Hell yeah!!

Predictably, a vast majority of the newsies were girls, but instead of trying to hide it and making them dress and act like boys, they just made them girl newsies and used some of the names from Newsies Jr and the Brooklyn girlsies instead. The only exception to this was Albert, who was played by a very femme person with long hair and a skirt, but was still called Albert, which I think is hilarious and I’m hoping that was the actor’s choice.

They also actually had adults play the adult characters which was interesting?? For a highschool production but good for them ig

My favorite moment was in the last Pulitzer’s office scene when Davey goes “since the strike, your circulation’s been down 70%” and Jack, who was currently laying down across the arms of two chairs, did a sit up and whispered “70%” and then laid back down

Also during the Snyder chase scene at the start they had Jack run up one of these scaffolding buildings that were part of the set, realize it was a dead end at the top, turn around and be cornered by Snyder, and then dived between his legs and ran back down to the floor again. Wonderful choreography 10/10.

Speaking of choreography, they actually tap dance during KONY! Holy shit! Was not expecting that! And it was good! Like really good! Hell yeah. All the dancing was really good actually very similar to the Broadway production but like they did a great job at it.

Crutchie also broke my fucking heart during LFTR she actually started crying on the “your sister, Crutchie” line and so did I in the audience

Jack fucking killed Santa Fe he was awesome. Just always he was awesome but Santa Fe was really fucking good

For the seize the day reprise where they’re singing it while Jack Davey and Spot are going to Pultizer’s office, for some reason (I’m guessing running out of time in rehearsal) instead of having the kids sing they played an audio clip from the proshot and it caught me so offguard and im definitely the only person who noticed because I know every single line in this show and have performed the entire thing by myself in box at my haunt to keep myself entertained in between customers.

Overall it was awesome! I do know this show so well that it haunts me and literally every other line an alarm would go off in my brain for whatever they did and how it compared to other versions of the show and what it might mean for their characters so I could probably go a lot more in depth but these were my main thoughts coming out of it. They did a fantastic job!

[sinzkiller]

LET'S GO TO THE SHOPPING MALL! WITH BLEACH CHARACTERS pt2 + y/n

~

"I swear I don't think this is a good idea to have you guys with us again" Rangiku says as she pointed at Mayuri, Ikkaku, Iba, Kira and Kenpachi. "Why not? I'm starting to like this shopping mall thing heh" Kenpachi says and leaving them behind with Yachiru sitting on his shoulder. "Hehehe.. I shall get myself a human to bring back— uh I mean I'm going to buy something with Nemu" with that, Mayuri dragged Nemu from there, leaving the Soul Reaper behind. "How about you y/n?" Yumichika asked. "Well I'm going to meet my old friend, see ya!" You said and walk away from the place excitedly because you're going to meet your best friend, Shinji.

~

"Huu...sobs.. Ikkaku!!..sobs.." Iba cried as Renji patted his back. "It's ok, he will be fine" Kira said, tries his best to comfort him. "We...we lost one of our dear brother...sobs.. why..WHY MUST HE'S WITH THE GIRLS?? And then.. captain Komamura.." Iba cried out loud and now everyone looking at him. Actually Captain Komamura was with them earlier, but so many girls chasing after him because they thought the captain was a real dog.. "What breed you are, cutie??" "Omg I want to have you as my pet so bad!" "Kyaaaaa your fur is soooo soft!" End up the captain being dragged from his comrades to somewhere else.

"How about we have some fun...there?" Hisagi pointed at the nearest Karaoke place and the boys pushed Iba to enter the karaoke room. "Iba-san, because you are the most handsome and charming man among us today, you will sing the first song" Renji said and give the microphone to Iba. "T..thanks.. ALRIGHT BOYS, TODAY I'M GONNA SING...."

"Baka Mitai" ✨ * wipe fake tears dramatically*

~

Jushiro, Shunsui and captain Yamamoto wear matching blue sweaters and matching pink tote bags. Clearly all of this is Jushiro's greatest idea, this man is so adorable how can we resist him omg. " I want you to try this!" Jushiro said as he give Yamamoto his favorite donut. "Ohhhh no no no, I won't let ya!" Shunsui hurriedly snatched the donut from Jushiro before he could give it to the old captain that standing between them. "Hmm? What's the matter Shunsui" Yamamoto asked in confusion. "This is the reason why Jushiro had bad toothach—mmmhhhd" before he could even finish his sentence, Jushiro covered his mouth and give the donut to Yamamoto. Once he took a bite, captain Yamamoto's eyes wide open and ask if he can have more of the donut. "You sly fox..." Shunsui says and facepalm, knowing what will happen afterwards.. "Let us enjoy our day, don't worry everything will be fine" Jushiro said confidently as captain Yamamoto dragging him to the nearest bakery.

"Instead of toothache, I guess the two of you will be having a great diabetes.."

~

"Oi Yumichika...why do I need to follow you guys..?" Says Ikkaku with tons of shopping bags on his arm, following the girls and Yumichika from behind. "It was my idea, this way we can prevent the fight you most likely started" Yumichika answered and winked at him. "If anything bad happens, you will bark for us!" Rangiku added and patted Ikkaku's shiny head before she run away from him.

"....."

~

"Ulquiorra, may I ask, where do you got that hilarious amount of face cream?" Aizen ask calmly and looked at the adorable Arrancar. "Human told me how important this cream for me to keep my skin clear and fair, so I buy it. After I bought one, they give me another one and then another one, they put the cream on my skin so I need to pay for all of it" Ulquiorra answered innocently, poor boy don't even know that he just got scammed since he also bought random automatic toothbrush from the store. Aizen only could smiles at him, but the smile immediately disappeared from his face after seeing you walking with Shinji. "Is that lady Y/n?" Ulquiorra asked. "Yes, seems like she's with Shinji.." Menacingly, Aizen approached the two of you while glaring at Shinji.

"Oh y/n? it's been a long time since we met!" Aizen greeted you with his charming smile and pull you into a hug. Shinji was not expecting to see that Soul Society criminal dude here in the living world, especially in a shopping mall. You were surprised to see Aizen, is this the proper time to be friendly after all the things he did.... "Aizen..! It's been a long time too haha" you said in awkward laugh and hug him back. When Aizen still a captain of 5th Division before he betrayed whole Soul Society, he had this silly little crush on you which is something he can't deny. "Excuseeeee me, peasant, that's not how you greet someone's girlfriend" Shinji pushed Aizen away and stood between the two of you. Damn everything going to be chaotic starting from now...

~

*sniff, sniff *

"Yachiru, I smell a fight" a huge grin plastered on Kenpachi's face, knowing that he will have some real fun today. "I'll show you da wae Kenny!! Go to the left!" Yachiru says and excitedly pulls Kenpachi's hair. "Heh, let's go" With that Kenpachi starts to run without have any sense of direction, only relying on Yachiru's navigate skills. If you guys wonder where they are in the beginning, both of him and Yachiru is actually getting lost at Shopping mall and end up in the Parking lot.

~

"Grrr.... Bark.. Bark!" Ikkaku gritted his teeth and bark, his index finger pointed at Shinji who's still fighting Aizen with his bare hands. "First of all I am not expecting you to play along with Rangiku, secondly..IS THAT MY PRECIOUS Y/N OVER THERE?" Yumichika shouted in most dramatic way while Rangiku, Isane and Nanao stare at Ulquiorra who is standing by your side in awe. "Aww ain't they cute together?" Rangiku says proudly and took a pictures of you guys with Nanao's camera.

Surprisingly, you and Ulquiorra get along pretty well after you taught him how to use the automatic toothbrush. "Aren't you going to help Aizen?" You asked the 4th Espada. "He seems enjoying the fight and I won't interrupt, unless Aizen sama calls for me, then I shall wipe out Shinji's existence" he answers with blank expression on his face.

"Uh oh, I thought we're not fighting anyone today" Gin says as he walks to your direction with Szayel and Tosen following him from behind. "Wow...what an.. awkward meeting" you thought. Szayel looked at you with huge creepy smile on his face, looks like he's going to do something unpleasant. Slowly, he's getting closer and closer...... Until Ikkaku hit Szayel on his head with his wooden sword. "What are you intend to do? You pink weirdly dressed anchovy?" Ikkaku to the rescue! He saved you this time... "What's wrong with you shiny head!" Szayel yelled and hissed in pain. Ikkaku handed his wooden sword to you and ready to beat Szayel with his own fist, because of the rules... "no Zanpakuto". Now that the boys and Kenpachi arrived, everything will be a great mess.

Remember that Shinji and Aizen were fighting with bare hands? Well not just two of them, now we have Ikkaku Vs Szayel, Ulquiorra with his automatic toothbrush Vs Kenpachi and Renji vs Tosen.

"I'm not joining you guys" Gin said and left them behind after patted Kira's shoulder, leaving Kira with mixed feeling. Right now Iba and Hisagi cheering for Renji like a highschool girls.

"Oh? You're approaching me? Instead of running away, you're coming right to me?" Aizen said with an amusing look on his face. "I can't beat the shit out of you without getting closer." Shinji cracked his knuckles and ready to punch him in the face but Aizen gracefully avoided it and winked at you. "Ewwww" Yachiru who's been clinging on your shoulder from behind, gave Aizen a thumbs down.

"Heh, you are no match for me weirdo, I have all the luck" Ikkaku says as he throw a punch at Szayel, before his fist could even landed on Szayel's handsome face, a loud thump being heard from behind. All of sudden, Szayel passed out and laying unconsciously on the floor. "What the fuc—" Ikkaku cursed out and see Yumichika holding a pan with a scary look on his face. "I thought we're all agree that we shouldn't fighting here omg" now that Yumichika is fully annoyed, he wish to hit everyone with his pan but clearly he can't do that alone. "Huaaa heheheheh..Nemu, drag my new specimen outta here" Mayuri says as he poke Szayel's head to make sure that he's really unconscious. "Holy shi— Kurotsuchi taicho, you startled me!" Thank God Yumichika didn't swing his pan and hit Mayuri's face. "Kurotsuchi taicho, what are you doing here?" Ikkaku asked. "Collecting my new specimen, duh?" Mayuri replied and walk away, uninterested with whatever happens around him.

Just like everyone else, Ulquiorra is fighting Kenpachi. He use his automatic toothbrush to hit him. Kenpachi for sure is having fun right now that his spiritual pressure starts to increase, ready to beat the shit out of the 4th Espada. "I'm not expecting you to use that silly thing, well it's fine then.." he growls, but something stopped him.. Kenpachi and Ulquiorra went silent for no reason and slowly turn their head around to look at Captain Unohana's direction and regret it.. well of course it was nothing but her beautiful smile. And yet both of them felt threatened by it and stood froze there with stoic face, not moving a single muscles.

~

"Tosen, I know you are stronger than me, but I've figured out a good way to defeat you" confidently, Renji approach Tosen with a huge grin on his face. "Bring it on,young man" Tosen says and stood still on his spot.

"ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!"

"!!!!!???" Tosen didn't expect that, but he believes in his instinct... So he let out a rock and Renji is scissors. "Tosen, I won, I chose paper and yours is rock". Iba, Kira and Hisagi looked at Renji with shocked looks while holding back their laughter. "Psst, Renji, I know that he is now our enemy but.. this is not nice thing to do you know..." Hisagi whispered to Renji. Tosen scoffed, of course he knew that Renji is lying to him. " I am blind, not stupid, Renji" with that Tosen walk away from that place, hoping that he's catching up with Gin. "I'm not interested in this fight, Aizen sama, I'm going back to Hueco Mundo" said him as he bowed at Aizen.

Aizen who still busy pulling Shinji's hair stopped and look at him. "I guess I should stop too, I don't want to waste my time here" with that Aizen let go of Shinji's hair and looking for you, but you are nowhere to be seen. "Hold up, where's Y/n?" Shinji asked, also looking for his beautiful best friend.

"No...more importantly.. WHERE'S THE GIRLS"

~~

"y/nn!!! Lady Yoruichi is so adorable isn't??" Soi Fon said as she patted Yoruichi's head. Yoruichi purr and nestled into your warmth hug, knowing that you love her cat form more than anything and proud of herself because she has stolen your attention from the boys. Few minutes ago, Soi Fon and her noticed that you looked a bit tense so she decided to change into her cat form and jump into your arms, having all your attention on her instead of the weirdos cavemen that fighting each other in the middle of the mall. You placed a few kisses on Yoruichi's forehead and tell her how cute she is.

"Y/n!!! Come back here please!!" Shinji and Aizen shouted from the entrance of the mall, calling your name repeatedly since they can't catch up with you. "Sorry boys, your girl is mine now" Yoruichi says and winked at them.

Rangiku carried sleepy Yachiru in her arm, ready to enter the Senkaimon with everyone else, including Mayuri that still talking to Captain Unohana and Nemu walking behind him, dragging Szayel's unconscious body.

________

-The shopping mall now surrounded by the police.

-Aizen and the gang escaped to Hueco Mundo

-Shinji being rescued by Hiyori from the mall

-Renji, Iba, Hisagi and Kira escaped using their flash steps

-Kenpachi and Ikkaku fighting the cops using frying pan that Yumichika gave them💀

-Yumichika himself escaped with Renji and others

-No one knows what happened to captain Komamura and Szayel...

-Shunsui takes Jushiro to the dentist, again, but old man Yama still doing fine as ever even after ate huge amount of sweets with Jushiro 🔥 The three of them didn't even realize that their other comrades is fighting 💀

* Sad Shinji's noises *

~~~

[purplesurveys]

1862

So, how's adulting treating you in the 2020s? Are you smashing those expectations, or do you just wanna Netflix and chill all day? I did way better than the expectations I set for myself. First of all – I'm 26 and I'm still alive. I never thought I would make it past 21. That's an empowering realization to have.

I've been promoted every single year since first getting employed in 2020; I hold a title at work I never thought I would ever be qualified for, and reached it at 25. I got over my biggest source of grief and used it to reach the happiest I've ever been. I have a much, MUCH smaller group of friends now, but in them I've found my ride-or-dies. I've learned to embrace being single because it means I get to be the cool rich aunt and spend my money on whatever food or hobby on the weekends. I've stopped comparing myself to other people and it has brought me peace like nothing I've ever felt. I think I'm doing pretty great.

Remember all the fads and trends from the 2010s? Which one makes you cringe the most when looking back now? The Coachella indie girl look with the muscle tees, denim shorts, rompers etc sort of look looked super cute and cool back then, but with trends changing and all it also feels ever so slightly cringe now. Cringe in an endearing way more than anything, but still.

Idk, I don't really find a lot of things from that time embarrassing now. I was in high school then, so I took part or consumed most of those trends and I'll always look back on them fondly.

In the 2020s, are you living the glamorous life you thought all adults had in the 2010s, or is it more like trying to keep houseplants alive and failing miserably? No. Adults are also just figuring out themselves, and that's okay. I don't think that will ever stop.

Tell us about a moment in the 2010s when you thought you were the coolest kid on the block, but looking back, you were just as awkward as the rest of us. Making my relationship my entire personality.

So, do you adult better with a fancy planner and color-coded schedules, or are you just winging it with Post-it notes and sheer luck? I take it day by day. I do and decide whatever I feel like doing and deciding at the moment.

In the 2020s, have you finally mastered the art of adulting, or do you still have an impressive collection of takeout menus and not a clue about cooking? Oh if you mean like chores, I'm pretty behind lol. It's part of why I plan to move to BGC – everything has a service there. I think being as far away from home as possible would also help straighten me up and force me to fend for myself, and I need that.

Looking back on the 2010s, what was the cringiest song you couldn't stop listening to on your iPod, and did you ever dare to sing it in public? AJ Lee's theme is forever a bop within the wrestling world but I wouldn't ever play it to my friends or sing it out loud haha. It's so endearingly niche.

Are you living the dream of having a fabulous wardrobe that puts fashion bloggers to shame, or is your closet a chaotic mix of hand-me-downs and sale-rack finds? It's chaotic in a sense that my style changes from day to day.

Do you miss the simpler times of the 2010s when social media was all about posting selfies, or are you loving the meme culture that dominates the 2020s? The memes get more hilarious as time passes, and those I have no problem with. It's the peace, the non-conflict, the everyone's-just-here-to-fuck-around vibes on social media. Twitter is a world away from what it used to be.

Tell us your most epic "adulting fail" moment that made you wish you could just teleport back to your carefree teenage years. It's not really one specific moment, but I've regretted corporate-slaving my life away. Especially in my earlier work years where I was very career-driven, missing out on family lunches or the chances to go out with friends...it's those moments that make me long for my younger years when I studied during the day but still had time to hang out with my college friends and my girlfriend at the time. In any case, turning 25 turned on a switch in me and I have been prioritizing my life over work ever since, so that's a nice learning, I guess.

How do you balance being a responsible adult in the 2020s and still secretly longing for the reckless fun you had in the 2010s? Eh, I don't really need to? I don't actively miss my time in the 2010s. It was fun while it lasted, but we're here now and I'm going to focus on what makes me happy now.

Confess your most significant guilty pleasure from the 2010s that you can't believe you indulged in. No judgment here! 1D fanfiction maybe lol? I wasn't in deep like most fans and I don't understand most references still getting thrown today, but I did read a couple.

Do you have a "best worst" purchase from the 2010s that you still can't believe you spent money on? Can it just be the worst haha? Probably just all the gas I spent for my ex, driving her everywhere – to dates, to her house, to her dorm.

In the 2020s, have you upgraded your hangover-curing skills from greasy fast food to some sophisticated avocado toast? Nah I will still look for greasy stuff.

What's your go-to dance move when you hit the dance floor in the 2020s, and did it come from an embarrassing attempt in the 2010s? I don't dance.

How do you cope with adulting burnout in the 2020s, and does it involve a secret stash of chocolate or a Netflix binge? I find a lowkey coffee shop tucked away in the middle of nowhere, turn on DND on my phone, and read.

Share the most hilariously awkward Zoom moment you had during the great pandemic of the 2020s. I've never had an awkward on-cam moment, fortunately.

Looking back on the 2010s, what was the weirdest internet challenge you participated in, and did you regret it immediately? I wouldn't call it weird but my sophomore (or was it freshman?) class did the Harlem Shake challenge on the last day of school. I wouldn't call it cringe or be embarrassed by it though. It's cute to think about now.

Have you finally embraced the fact that you're an adult, or do you still find yourself wishing you had Hermione Granger's time-turner to go back to simpler times? I miss the freedom in youth, but I prefer to focus on the now because as much as I long for it, it'll never come back.

So, did you ever jump on the "juice cleanse" bandwagon in the 2010s, and did you last more than a day before devouring a pizza? No I was like 15 and weighed 90 lbs lol.

How do you handle those moments in the 2020s when you feel like you're just a kid pretending to be an adult? Cry it out if I need to, but trudge along anyway and hope that I learn something from the whatever it is I need to do.

In the 2010s, what was your worst fashion faux pas that you wish had never seen the light of day? Statement shirts.

Are you now the queen or king of adulting, doling out life advice like Oprah, or are you still secretly calling your mom for help with laundry? I have no shame asking my parents for help. They won't be around forever, so I like having them around as much as I can.

Looking ahead to the rest of the 2020s, what are your hopes and dreams for your adulting journey, and how will you embrace the chaos with a sense of humor? I would just love to be able to travel the world. And be the aunt that sneaks my nieces/nephews out for ice cream or pizza after school.

[undeadgoathead]

Love her or hate her, Barbie is iconic. I have no clue why she was stereotyped as an airheaded bimbo, when canonically she has been a doctor, astronaut, scientist, etc. Like most girls, I have fond memories of playing dolls with friends, and not-so-fond memories of siblings, cousins, etc ruining my toys, cutting their hair, covering them with mud, tattooing them with sharpies, etc.

In girl scouts, I remember each troop had to represent a different country/culture for world tolerance day or some such. So our project was singing the Barbie song in German! I still kinda remember the lyrics. 🎼Ich bin ein Barbie frau, en einer Barbie velt...🎶

On a side note, I also remember our troop representing the UK one year, because I was obsessed with The Beatles and JRR Tolkien. Good times, good times. I was a weird, nerdy kid, and I haven't changed much over the years. This is kinda embarrassing, but I played with dolls well into middle school. What can I say, I loved making up stories in my own imaginary fantasy world. Still kind of do, as a writer.

I had a Pocahontas Barbie... Hip to be Square Barbie...Of course I had the mermaid that changed the color of her hair and tail, depending on if the water was hot or cold...I had a slumber party Barbie with a soft body like a stuffed animal, so you could snuggle in bed. She also came with accessories like an inflatable chair, a box of pizza, a houseplant, and a globe. Perfect for 90s sleepovers!

One Christmas, I was gifted a special edition millennium Barbie for the year 2000. I was too young to understand collectibles, all I knew was it was the prettiest doll I'd ever seen, with her fancy gold dress and matching Christmas ornaments, and couldn't wait to play with it, so I didn't understand why everyone was so shocked when I opened the box and did just that.

I had a few of the Mattel pets, including a fluffy white cat, and a fancy Collie dog. Of course I had the sparkly white unicorn/pegasus horse with wings AND a horn, and a long pretty mane and tail that you could brush, braid, and style. I had a ton of horses in general. Including My Little Pony. And lots of dolls, not just Barbie, but also Polly Pocket, random stuffed animals, etc. Another random sidenote... I remember I used to watch a lot of PBS as a kid... I was fascinated by The Nightly Business Report... So I had my own version, The Nightly Horse Report, and all the new anchors, journalists, and correspondents were horses... Facepalm. 🤦🏽‍♀️

But in high school, I was an edgy, angsty teenager. I rejected Barbie as a sexist symbol of rigid gender roles and corporate greed. One of my aquaintances had dismembered Barbie body parts dangling from her backpack, which I thought was pretty cool. I also took the Barbies from a classmate's diorama when they didn't want them anymore. I don't know what book they were reading in the other Senior AP Literature Class, but it must have been a dark one, because the Barbies were scantily clad in plain white robes/togas, their hands were bound, they were blindfolded, and they were hanging from nooses. Yeah. Yikes. Anyway I used them for home decor in my college dorm, and even in my first apartment. Like I said, I only seem to get even weirder and creepier with age!

Then again, when I was a bratty teenage girl, my idea of feminism was misguided. In retrospect, I actually embodied a lot of internalized misogyny and toxic femininity myself. Joining the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance), poetry club, yearbook, and other extracurricular activities helped me keep an open mind and learn better social skills. But still, one of my favorite computer games at that age, was called Feed the Model, where you crash a haute couture high society fashion catwalk, and you throw tomatoes and other food at the model, hoping some of it lands in her mouth and she'll finally eat something for once, lol. Yes it was hilarious, but also problematic. I also frequented several feminist websites, including About Face and Adios Barbie. Again, I meant well, but the misandry was a little bit hypocritical.

Just like the Barbie brand is taking affirmative action to be more inclusive, I also eventually outgrew my "Hear me roar" phase, and embraced a more modern, intersectional sort of feminism and gender equality. Including a shameless appreciation for girly hobbies, such as dolls. Even in college, a roommate gave me a special Bjork Barbie with a handmade dress, custom haircut, and face painted with nail polish. He customized it himself, and it looked awesome and unique! Again, that Bjork Barbie remained dorm/apartment decor well into my mid twenties.

Now I'm in my 30s. I work at an antique store, and I do sell expensive vintage collectible Barbies to wealthy connoisseurs, as well as the cheap ones to little kids who only have a few bucks of allowance to buy used toys from secondhand thrift stores. So Barbie is still very much a part of my life on a daily basis. Grown adults pay hundreds of dollars for the right doll. I've had deep conversations with coworkers and customers about the magic of imagination, the nostalgic sense of wonder, and the simplicity yet complexity of children at play.

So I'm totally going to see that freaking Barbie movie, damn it! Who's coming with me?

[zepskies]

So I'm reading your Midnight Espresso fic even tho I've never seen supernatural because I love your Soldier Boy series, plus size latina reader, that's me!! And then the "shouldn't you know about latin american myths" made me roll my eyes, like I am centroamericana y no sabía, because I've only grown up around caribbeans and my only non carribean friends are mexican (and they're still puertorican) and argentine, like so many gringos really think we are a monolith, like when I visited El Salvador recently my family would look at me in shock when I used Carribean slang that is accidentally a bad word, and I think a lot about the time my abuela got in trouble for using the Spanish word for pest (which is also a lovingly used word by salvadoreans for kids) y las viejitas carribeñas were so offended because this word means "penis" in carribean spanish, to the point where for my colombian sister it's just the word for pest but she doesn't use it because she has the carribean connotation for it, whereas my mom and abuelita called me this word when I was little, so like I don't swear in spanish because of an intergenerational family curse that caused a lot of trauma and the only way to combat it was propriety, but it's the only "swear" word I will say while I'm singing along to bad bunny

Anyways this is super off point, and I don't know how I got to this point (the long story telling in many stages is a salvadorean gene like the way uncle colm from Derry Girls tells stories), but I love your writing, and found the "I'm cuban, not guatemalan" line to be funny because yeah while speaking spanish with different people I gotta take off my "proxy carribean" hat or my "centroamericana" hat

Hola, mi amor!! 😘

First of all, thank you for reading "Midnight Espresso"! That one is very special to me, being a plus-sized Latina myself. 🌶️💅🏽

I'm also working on a Part 2 to that fic, tentatively titled "Shall We Dance." 😉

But getting into your actual comments below:

It's pretty hilarious how often I've gotten asked if I'm [insert brown ethnicity here]. Believe me, it's run the gambit. I guess I look racially ambiguous. 💁🏽‍♀️

But yes, a lot of people assume every Hispanic/Latino culture knows everything about the other, which is why I chose to make this reader Cuban (like myself). I couldn't accurately tell your Salvadorean experience, for example. Like of course, I can research a culture to write a character, but it wouldn't feel as natural or authentic for me to write as I did writing from my own multicultural experience.

So Dean's line:

“Shouldn’t you be an expert on this already?” Dean teases as you rifle through the pages. “I thought Latin American legends were right up your alley.”

It's tongue-in-cheek, but you're right, it's pointing to a larger issue about how most Americans view Hispanics/Latinos as a whole. 😂

And omg I could tell so many stories about me or my fam/friends getting in trouble with words other Spanish-speaking cultures don't use, or it has an entirely different meaning lmao.

For example, my Cuban ass was talking to my Dominican friend (I'm Dominican as well, but I tend to speak more like a Cuban). Cubans tend to "eat their 's'" on the ends of words. So I said something like, "aw, damn, I'm really liking the look of those tostones." Which of course, is just a fried plátano.

What her Dominican ass heard was "totones." Which for the English speakers in the room, is a woman's pussy. (Or translated more literally, multiple pussies.) 😂

I'm so sorry you've been scarred from cursing in Spanish, because it really can be so colorful and inventive. 😂😂

But I freakin' love Derry Girls!!! And I'm so glad you enjoy my writing, amor. Thanks so much! 😘❤️❤️

[chaineaira]

"MY LIFE STORY ABOUT CHILDHOOD TO ADULTHOOD"

My name is Chaine Aira Talingting Cabarrubias, and this is my life journey. I'm so lucky to have a supportive family, especially my parents, who worked tirelessly to provide for their family. Despite the challenges we've encountered together, they showered us with love and encouragement. The house echoed with the sound of bedtime stories, whispered secrets, playing music or instruments, and singing together. It was our comfort zone when we were facing our problems and struggles in life. 

During childhood, I sometimes wanted to be a princess in the coronation night however, we have no money to become a princess therefore it's expected that I'm not the one to win the crown, because this princess competition was held during fiesta celebration and this coronation is just based who has the highest money and were just average family and our opponents was rich so basically we just expects to lost but its very funny because I won and become a princess which is very surprising with the turn of event's the funny thing is that I just only won because one of the candidate wanted to have soft drinks and it happen to be that the mother doesn't have any money left in her pocket except the money in the envelope so the mother take 8 pesos from the envelope just to buy her daughter soft drinks and eventually thats there biggest mistake because thats the reason they lost and I win and I only win to them by 75 cents thats very hilarious right, becoming a princess just because of 75 cents and thats me.

Being the eldest child, it's my responsibility to be my siblings role model, and I really want to be the one they look up to. Yeah, I really tried, but as a human, I know that I have flaws too. I'm trying to be a good example to them. As a child, I used to be pampered and always have my way with everything I desired. My parents have been very doting on me since I was also very obedient to them, but all of a sudden that changed because my brother was born, and suddenly the attention was not on me anymore. It made me feel sad for a while because I thought that my parents loved my baby brother more than me. I was jealous, but I couldn't help it. I also felt bad for my behavior, which is why I realized I needed to change it, and eventually I learned how to love and take care of my brother like the good elder sister I am. Then we grow to be very close as siblings until my parents' children give birth to the other four of us.

When I was studying in primary school, I used to be on the honor roll from 1st grade to 3rd grade. At that time, I knew that I made my parents proud, but when I reached 4th grade, my grades suddenly declined, which made me sad because I felt that I had disappointed my parents. I really feel down, and I'm not the cheerful little girl I'm used to being. At that time, my parents noticed my sadness, and they decided that they had to do something to cheer me up. Since it's summer vacation, my parents plan to spend our vacation in my mother's hometown in the province to have some fun and, at the same time, create some happy memories that we spend together. Also, my parents told me that there's no need to be sad about me not getting an award or honor roll because they said that it's okay as long as I pass, and most important, I did my very best and studied very hard, and that's more than enough for them. At that very moment, I promised myself that next time I'll always try my hardest as a daughter to make my parents proud, and I'll make sure that their effort and sacrifices to send me to a good school are worth it. Although we struggle financially, my parents always make sure to provide us with food and a happy home to live in. They also make sure for all of us to continue our education, even though sometimes they are at their hardest to support our family financially. But still, they strive to do anything and everything to successfully raise us and make us respectful and kind-hearted people.

As a teenager, my high school and senior high school moments were very memorable. I met new people and new friends, and I always wanted to explore and learn new things that could make me grow and develop into who I am right now. At this age, I have learned from the people I've been with that there's nothing permanent in this life because even the people we cherish and treasure the most have to leave us, and it's all part of the journey. Only my family is always there for me during my ups and downs. They didn't leave me when I was at my hardest times in life. They are always there for me every time I feel down, and they always cheer me up and encourage me to go beyond life. And that is why I want to work harder to give my family a stable life, and my goal is to give my parents a comfortable lifestyle during their older years. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying my best to be better because, as humans, everybody makes mistakes, but those mistakes can also make us stronger and teach us a life lesson. I also accepted my failures and mistakes, and my parents also taught me that everybody must accept defeat because not anything in this world you want, you can have it. Because if you can't experience being defeated, you can't be the winner in the end. Life lessons can be harsh; just humbly accept them and surrender yourself to the Lord, who will guide you to be who you want to be in the future.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

sharing bodies

when you've been pregnant four times

you kind of get used to your body not being your own

I grew up with everyone telling me my body wasn't my own

it was never small enough and I had to give affection

to whomever someone else told me to

so I was kind of used to it

but there is an intimacy to pregnancy

a love that goes beyond survival

you have to believe in something inside of you that you

can only know through connection with a being

you've never met yet and the way it torments you physically

kind of makes you wonder if you want to know them at all

but your curiosity always gets the best of you

there's this pureness of love that never goes away

and the fears rise up but are kicked away

by the life you sing to and talk to and pray to

growing deeply inside of you and also causing you pain

I'm naturally sensitive so pregnancy every time was torture

I hate being nauseous and I was always nauseous

and anything could trigger it or gagging

and my moods are already quicksilver so when I was with child

they usually ended up in very tearful storms

I was exhausted all the time and everything hurt

but it was nice having a friend to telepathically learn about

who never went away even if they wanted to

or I really wanted them to so we had to kind of adapt

and commit and it can be hard for souls to do that

people have so many ideas about pregnancy

but I can tell you that the three I knew

they were all so very different and wild

after meeting my children in life outside my womb

each pregnancy ended up matching who they were

with my first son I was just... miserable

we are both very sensitive and gentle in the same ways

but we can also lash out in a way that leaves

outsiders completely confused as to who we are

but we're also opposite in ways so our opposing currents made me

so so sick and nauseous that I took pills for it

and then asked for those pills every pregnancy after

my doctor wasn't on call when I had my first

so a stranger walked in and sliced me up like a fish

at the time I had an epidural but healing was a bitch

my daughter came into me like a lightning bolt from the clouds

I wasn't ready for it but she gave me a new perspective

on everything I had ever learned about being a woman

her sweetness always had a ferocity to it

and I was always ravenous and chaotic with her

we both neutralize that in each other now

she is always my harmony and I tend to be her structure

and when I lose my structure she reminds me

that I've always been able to figure out a way to get back

she's my inspiration when I don't remember what's real

she came out into the world very quickly

her eyes so quick to take in everything and smile

she'd only fall asleep if I held her foot

and often I'd wake with her brow up against mine

by the time my youngest was ready to embody a form

I'd been prepared in a tragic way for him

he was my easiest pregnancy but the earliest to leave

I was going through a move and custody battle at the time

so my blood pressure and preeclampsia symptoms

make a whole lot of sense as to why I was shoved into bedrest

and I hated every second of being trapped to my bed

but I did enjoy all the guilt-free hours of playing Breath of the Wild

I was really good at that game and it reminded me of

being a child myself and climbing and looking at everything in nature

my youngest never did anything like the other two

he even crawled with his butt up in the air like a bear

both of my boys are more like spidermen

my girl weaves around them leaving them angry and confused

and then best friends all in one spinning situation

it's so fun to watch them connect and bond

and secretly hilarious when they get sick of each other's

very badly concealed manipulations once they realize them

last week I told my son that I may seem tired and frustrated

likely even disconnected and confused about my future

and all these things are messing with my caretaking of them

but I wanted him to know that the surprise of him

and taking care of him was the way I got to know myself

that looking into his eyes and learning all about him

was how I learned about myself and become someone new

and we're always becoming someone new

that I never once regretted changing my life to have him

and I'd had to make some painful choices but nothing like

the regret I'd have had not getting to know him

he's transitioning from boy to adolescence and it's difficult for him

once he confessed that was was scared of the change

I can't imagine what kinds of things he's feeling

but I can watch how he expresses his ever changing moods

sometimes he is my sweet and clingy toddler again

sometimes he tries to be an arrogant dictator

mostly he complains about what an eleven year old should

and I give him whatever patient logic I can to help him

face the consequences of his actions so he can actually learn them

instead of blaming or shaming him for my preconceived or

perceived definition of what respect or correct tone or feelings are

I was married once to a man who sang and drank chronically

and if I'd gotten pregnant with him

I'd had clawed that child out of me with my own hands

bringing a child into a world where your relationship is dangerous

that's something I would never do intentionally

and it helps me to understand that even sharing a body

doesn't mean you give up everything to the magic of it

the life of the mother and the life of the child are valuable

the life of the mother may be seen as valueless by many

especially once the child is born and responsibilities rise

being pregnant helped me to learn how to take care of my body

for the first time since I was born into it

it was the first time someone cared more about me

than how I looked or walked in the world

and in a way it was more about the baby

but I was able to clearly learn both meanings in the situation

and I never lost that desire to care for myself

even when everyone else seemed to forget about me

sometimes you can only learn through what you experience

and only face what's in front of you

even when you're told by others it's wrong

you make the choices and you follow your heart

even if you stopped believing in it

you body never stops believing in you

and as a chimera

which is what a mother becomes after becoming

a hotel for so many guests

I'd treat each body for the magic it is

and fuck up anyone who wants to challenge that

and the right people never will

which is a comfort all on its own

[blazingtheway]

The First Steps on a New Path - Storyline 10 – Together ( Part Three)

Continuing on From.....

•- Embry Call -•

“It’s payback for all the times I told you I was just here to look pretty, and you put me to work anyway!” I laughed and loaded the box into the Jeep. #Danni laughed so hard at Leah’s joke that she snorted and turned bright red. She clamped her hand over her mouth. She was  trying very hard to impress Leah. It was cute.

“She thinks that she’s hilarious.” I laughed and headed back towards the building with the supplies. “You like old cars?”

‘My dad does… I like going to car shows with him. You’re probably a car geek like him if you’ve kept  this going for so long.’ She hefted another box, and I grabbed three.

“Not particularly… I just always believed it was better the fix what you have instead of just replacing it. And I guess I get attached to things. But it’s getting hard to find parts for the old girl.” I  looked fondly at my baby and slide in the last of the boxes. I nodded towards Leah. “This one over here prefers two wheels to one.”

•- Leah Clearwater -•

Listening to the conversation between the two made me smirk some more.

#Danni felt comfortable enough to let herself show her true self with her laughter. It was kind of a cute sound with the added element of her reddened cheeks.

Until the conversation was set back on me  and the eyes widened tuning and rounding on me.

‘You ride?’ She asks like an excited child.

“Hmm…” nodding my head once. The girls turning to look at Embry and then back to me. ‘What kind of a bike is it?’

“He…” setting the boxes in my hand down and the banner from under my arm in the back of the jeep. “He is a Rocket X.” She clearly wanted more information from her reaction.

“2,500cc, 4,000 rpm , 2.5 litre engine…. Three-cylinder engine sitting in line with the chassis. When you Open up his throttle… he sings.” If I could take out my phone and take a photo of her, I would have. ‘He sounds amazing. Do you like giving people rides on him?’

My eyes went to Embry as to say. ‘Why the hell did you pull me into this conversation?’

•- Embry Call -•

I laughed and shook my head and laughed… “Really?” I gave Leah a deadpan look and then looked at #Danni again. “But he also runs on fossil fuel.” She giggled a little… seeing the irony of Leah knowing all those facts off the top of her head but would only say the Jeep ran on  fossil fuel.

“Nah she likes to keep him all to herself… But she makes up for it by sharing her time, wisdom and a healthy dose of sarcasm with all of us every single day.” I was teasing, but I gave Leah a look that said I saw all that she gave to all of us… and that did  include sarcasm too.

I closed the tailgate when the last box was in. “It's been an absolute pleasure Danni, and next time I’m in town I will certainly trust you and your guys to detail my beautiful baby.” I tapped the soft top. “Today she’s working hard for the good of the  Tribe, she’s earned a spa day.”

•- Leah Clearwater -•

“Facts, Call. It’s all about knowing the fact.”

They would all worry if my levels of sarcasm faulted. And he knew it too.

“Spa day.” Smirking at this little fact. He knew about spa days. An image of him with a face mask on came to light. Making my shake my head now. Reaching my hand out I shook the girls. Thanking her for her time and the help she and her dad were giving my Ma and tribe.

‘If you’re in town in the weekends, maybe bring your bike down. The guys here are great at detailing bike too.’

She was smiling, so I didn’t tell her that I did all those things by myself. Cleaning my baby, and detailing him, it was my way to relax and taking some time to myself.

“I’ll let Call over here lead the way. And… like I said. I will be sure to send business this way.”

Opening the door I slipped into the red  jeep, no one could miss this thing coming from the colour to the sound of it. And you could tell it was well cared for by Embry.

“Where to next?” The cloud over us shifted a little, letting the sun glimpse through. Giving me a reason to take my jacket off and place it over my knees.

•- Embry Call -•

I raised an eyebrow at Leah. “Because men can’t know about spa days? That’s very old-fashioned for such a modern woman.” I teased. I knew that Leah would never bring her baby here… tending to him was her meditation.

I took #Danni’s hand gently and smiled at her. “It's been an  absolute pleasure, Danni. Be sure to pass the gratitude of our Elders onto your father for us.” I winked and she blushed… I still had it! Even if her eyes did flit immediately to Leah and she lifted her free hand to hide that blush. “I’m sure I’ll be seeing you very soon.”

She glanced up when Leah climbed into the driver’s seat. ‘Most guys won’t let anyone drive their vehicles… especially one they work so hard on.’ She said and I knew that anyone really meant women.

“If there’s one thing you should know about me #Danni; it's that I  am definitely not most guys.” I chuckled and she swatted my hand out of hers, which I moved so she barely made contact, saving her human hand the pain even a playful strike might cause. We said our goodbyes and I climbed into the passenger seat.

“I do believe that  the day is ours now, Trouble.” I smiled at her. “So… home… Unless you have a better idea?” I quirked a brow.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

“Not at all.” My lips curled up a little. “More the fact that it is you, and of course you know about spa days.” Saying it with a matter-of-fact tone.

Not saying anything more just giving a small nod of my head when #Danni smiled and waved at me. But I did still there listening to the conversation they had. Embry was so much better than me as the building relationships with people. Today he had done so without thinking a number of times. His smile, the Call charm, the way he gave people time too. It was a gift, a skill.

And #Danni has hit the nail on the head at one point. Tiffany Call had brought her boy up in a way that other boys didn’t see. And now that he was a man on his own two feet, I could see his mother in him. Not just those eyes, or the dimples. But in his heart too.

Turning the key his Jeep came to life on the first try. Putting it in gear I slowly eased us out of the lot. “Home? Without Pizza from Leo? Do you want to explain that outcome to my Ma or your mom?”

•- Embry Call -•

“Sometimes I like to spoil myself…” I smirked and her. “And Glamour pays for all of their staff to have a membership at the best gym in town… their sauna is top notch.”

I laughed at Leah reminding me that if we returned without pizza… very specific pizza… there be  trouble. “I almost forgot about the pizza… The company of two charming young women can do that to a guy.” I laughed and buckled up. When we pulled out of the car wash I turned to Leah and smirked. “You know… I think our two-spirited friend back there liked me better by the  end.”

•- Leah Clearwater -•

“I’ve told you a million times, you’re too easy to distract. And today it was two women? So much for that warrior within keeping you in line. Maybe I need to have words.”

Keeping my hands on the wheel, and my eyes on the road. Noticing everything happening. The cars, trucks, bikes. The people on the sideway, the kids playing who were likely to run free. Cataloguing it all as I drove.

However, I could still see him out the side of my eye. Appreciating the fact that he put his belt on. It helped my shoulders relax just enough. ‘You’ve got this.’ My warrior whispered to me. Her openness protecting me from myself as she always did.

“Remind me to tell Leo if he is there. Have him made your pizza not so special for payback.” It wasn’t going to happen, that man didn’t know how to make everything that wasn’t perfect in his eyes.

Shaking my head, I turned his jeep onto Main Street, heading back towards the pitch and where the pizza truck lived. My mind going back to the time we spent with #Danni.

“I think she is a free spirit now.” Speaking with the respect the girl deserves. “She doesn’t see the flesh, more that she connects to the soul. Didn’t you see how she was drawn to you?”

It was something I knew about Embry and Seth, my kid. They were so open with their kindness that everyone was pulled into their orbit.

•- Embry Call -•

“Hey… he does all the hard work so I can enjoy life in the moment.” I teased her. I watched her taking everything in… that composed, calm/alert quality in her body language. We had been in the car a lot today… maybe it was wearing on her now.

I rolled my shoulders settling  a little into the seat. “We’ve spent a lot of time in the car today… You sure you don’t wanna stop somewhere, before Leo’s…” I lowered my voice and waggled my brows. “We could take one of the hiking trails… get lost in the woods like a couple of townies.” I stressed the word lost. “We could stretch out our legs… get some fresh air.”

I smiled at her again when she talked about #Danni. “Well, whatever shape that girl’s soul is... it’s a good one. She was far more drawn to you at the beginning.” I chuckled. “She’s going to fall in love… a lot…”  I laughed a little harder. “And it will be real and heart-breaking every single time until it's forever. #Seth will be the same… Unless…” Well, we both knew what the ‘unless’ could be…

•- Leah Clearwater -•

“Hmm…” He hasn’t wrong when it comes to reading people. “She reminds me a little of Littlesea Junior. That girl gives her heart away like it is candy.” And she loved full heartedly each and every time. How? I didn’t know.

Seeing him out of the side of my eye, I began to chew on the inside of my cheek. My wolf stirred telling me the man was clearly a mind reader. As much as I wanted to be done and go home, this had been the most amount of time I’d speat on four wheels in a long while.

“There’s not unless about it.” I finally said turning the jeep south at the next stop sign. “The kid has his soul our there. He just hasn’t met her yet.” I could see my baby brother so clearly, and I could tell that he wasn’t completed yet.

I took the next left taking the jeep towards the Peabody Creek Trailhead. Even a town such as Port, had a few beautiful trails that could make you feel at one with the earth and the forest.

“Stretching our legs, it is… If you think you can keep up with me, that is.” Lifting my chin towards the  sign post telling him where we were heading towards.

•- Embry Call -•

I laughed. “You know… the guys always thought that she would be imprinted on someday… but I never thought so. She’s a free spirit… Not like #Ness and #Kim; a different kind. I don’t think the Spirits would choose that for her, she needs to fly free… not that being an  imprint means you aren’t free…” I laughed. “Maybe I don’t have the right word to describe this for once.”

I nodded when she talked about #Seth. “He does… no doubt… They’ll be tested on the journey to find each other… because that kid will have an epic.”

I wasn’t actually expecting Leah to take my suggestion… but she was herself in the woods… so I suppose I should have. I smirked at her. “I don’t have to keep up with you Leah. I just have to be able to find you.” I chuckled… because that was kind of my thing.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

Biting the inside my cheeks I took in what he was trying to say. “No. I actually get it.”

The girl even as a child was free in a way that the spirits loved, she was followed by love and affection. By anyone who saw her. Her family, the tribe, and the spirits. “We all have our callings, she has hers too. It will come to light when it is her time. Until then…” She would mark her place in the world until her path, whatever it was came calling.

Glancing at him from the side of my eye, the sound of his laughter filled the jeep surrounding me. It was then when my shoulders dropped a little and relaxed.

“Hmm… you could find me, but by the time you get there. I’ll be gone again.” These spirits had given him a gift that made sure he was never alone if he wanted to.

In wolf form Embry had an uncanny sense of direction, he could tell where  exactly any wolf connected to the mind map was, then without moments wait, the quickest route to get to them.

The scent of the forest called to me, as we left the town behind.

Bypassing the signed to the visitor centre, turning us towards the entrance of one of the longer trails. The townies didn’t use as much, even if sometimes you could never tell.

•- Embry Call -•

I chuckled a little… “This is why it's so easy to talk to you... you get it.  even when I make no sense. I’m sure she does. She’s even better at living in the moment than I am.” I looked at the signs we passed.

“I’m not sure I’ve ever hiked this one… I tend to head more  towards Neah Bay when I wanna get into the woods away from home.” I glanced at her and smiled; her whole-body language had changed already. She was more relaxed before she even parked the Jeep. We parked the car, and I climbed out, heading to the back of the Jeep to reach  around the backpack I kept there… it just had basics in it. “Just so we don’t look like inexperienced townies.” I chuckled. We already weren’t exactly dressed for hiking.

“You know you really brighten up when you’re in the wood, did you know that? It’s like another part of  you comes alive.”

•- Leah Clearwater -•

The thing was… he made sense to me. I didn’t know how or when it happened, but something clicked into place. And the guy who once annoyed the life out of me with all his positivity, now made sense!

Climbing out of his jeep, it took me less than two minutes to braid my hair. Pulling it back and out of the way.

“Is that because going to Neah Bay takes you closer to your grandparents?” He had a connection to ancestors of two tribes. Joining him at the back, watching him gather his things my eyes moved over the opening, and I knew the way we would enter.

“It will help to blend in.” We really weren’t dressed to hike, but I didn’t really need a dress code. The blending was for the benefit for the people we could pass on the trail. Throwing the keys of his jeep to him. “You best keep those safe.” Pointing to  the pathway I began to walk. “The forest was and is my solace, it was the perfect place for me to go before I had my own place. The spirits have greater strength in nature, so it just makes sense.” As soon as I saw it, I pointed it out to Embry. “That there, is the single log entrance to the tail.” He was right, I came into my own when I was out here. But, he had been noticing?

•- Embry Call -•

I nodded and slung the backpack over one shoulder. “I think so… When there’s nowhere else I need to be it’s the direction that makes the most sense to me.” I smiled and caught the keys and tucked them into the front of the backpack and zipped the pouch.

I followed her towards the trailhead. “#Jacob says it is my inner homing beacon tugging me to my other home.” I laughed, but I knew he was right. La Push would always be home, but Neah Bay would always have a piece of my soul too.

I stopped and looked at the log-turned-bridge stretching across the creek. “Oh, I know a certain teenage girl that will get a kick outta this.” I chuckled and snapped a picture to send the Bear later on. This was not the time to field a text storm from her. I didn’t want my attention divided.

When we reached the tree-bridge I motioned to Leah to go first. “Age before beauty.” I waggled my brows because the subtle jibe was less likely to get me pushed into a creek than the saying ladies first.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

While he took the picture, my hand brushed over the inside pocket of my jacket, where the small device now sat, no movement, no sound. It was safe. 

It was hard not to hear the meaning behind his words. One in particular.

‘Need…’

Such a small word and it had so many intensions attached to it. 

“You know if you need to get away. You aren’t alone…. You have people who will give you what you need. Even if that’s time to leave and answer that call.” My wolf rolled her eyes at me, but she didn’t say what I felt her feel. “We all have that pull in us, more so I feel since the warriors in us awoke.” 

That’s how I liked to think of our change now. My wolf and the spirits always spoke about the warriors being in all our people. We were just the lucky ones, who woke up when our people needed us. Of course, in the early days, I called bill shit on this thought process. But the more I lived in my skin, the more I saw this to be true. 

“Is the call ever so strong that you feel like you’re in the wrong place?” He’d said before, how something in him always told him where he needed to be.  

The sight of the log bridge brought #Bear to his mind. Nodding my head once as I spoke again. 

“Hmm… yeah…. You’ll have to bring her up now that you know where it is.”

I knew that Kiddo would be happy to run the miles of forest with the guys. And they would carry her back if she over did it. 

Turning to look at him, with my eyebrow raised I shook my head slowly. “How old are you, five?” 

Reaching my hand out I smacked him upside the head. Then without any hesitation, with one foot in front of the other, I started over the damp wood without needing to hold the hand rail the locals had added. 

“Just say it as it is, you need to see perfection at its best.” Turning my head back over my shoulder, I was smirking now. 

‘More like he wants to check your arse out.’ My wolf teased. She was slowly waking up with the call of the forest so strong all around us. 

•- Embry Call -•

I smiled at her.. because, of course, she wanted to make sure I was okay and getting the downtime I needed. “I know… I don’t see the responsibilities I have as a burden. Or I try my best not to… mostly I succeed at that. Looking after Mom… the pack, the pups… the girls… I  love being part of it all. And yes…” I admitted. “Sometimes it's hard and I struggle just like anyone else. But lately…” I smiled at her. “Honestly… I know you’ll never let me live it down… but everything just feels… lighter… easier.” I knew that it was because of this thing between her and me.

I felt… happier, supported, in a way I never was before, and I had always been lucky enough to have amazing people to support me and encourage me in my life. And I wasn’t too macho to admit that now… with her… I felt protected from the things that had crept into my life and made me feel like I was constantly at odds with the world. She gave me the space and security I needed to let all of it out and then she was there letting me just be me it that time we had together in our bubble.

“I know where I can go when I need something. I promise… I’m not going to make the mistake of going it alone again. But what #Jake would call my inner compass… lately it's telling me that La Push is where I need to be and where I’m needed too. But I still make the trip out to Neah Bay for a day here and  there.”

I thought about her question. Did I ever feel like I was in the wrong place? “No… La Push was never the wrong place, even when I was a kid and it felt like it was. It’s home, Neah Bay is home too. But La Push is where I want to be.”

I tried to dodge the swat, but she was too quick. “Mind the hair!” I laughed and ran my hand through it. I followed her across the log. I was definitely checking out her arse.

“I’ve told you many times, Trouble… You gotta learn to slow down and enjoy the view.”

•- Leah Clearwater -•

“That wasn’t my meaning… I know you wouldn’t see any of it as a burden, but it doesn’t mean you deal with the bad on your own.” He’d done that once before, and I was still feeling it in my bucket of sins. How I could have missed his drowning while being his Beta. And now… Well… it was even deeper… And to hear him saying that things felt lighter these days, something must be working, right?

“Inner compass?” My lips curled up into a smile. “I like the sound of that. But if you tell Jake.” I did the ‘I will kill you’ motion once I reached the other side and turned to watch him following my lead.

‘See, now we get to enjoy the view. The boy is…’ I mentally snapped my teeth at my wolf. Some things didn’t need to be said to be felt. ‘Fine, but the hair… he is right… lets not mess with perfection.’ She laughed when I rolled my eyes. From the start she’s had a soft spot with Embry Call, and today was no different.

“Who said I’m not stopping to enjoy the view?” Raising my eyebrow, while pushing my hands into my jacket pockets. “Now, are you going to take all the rest of the day on the log? Get a move on.” I’d already turned whist walked away to catch the trail. This one was different to Royal Basin, as more people had walked a deeper path into the ground. But half way in there were off paths that could be taken for those who wanted to test their hiking skills.

•- Embry Call -•

“No… I know that. You of all people would never think that… #Jake gets it… #Quil gets it… But there are some;  like the staff at the hospital and people on the Rez that think I’m some kind of amazing son just because I hardly miss an appointment and if I did I’d make sure  someone else is there. They tell me how I must give up so much of my time to look after her. All I want to do is roll my eyes at them and tell them it’s the bare minimum.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “My lips are sealed… but honestly… I think you guys overestimate my  abilities.”

I paused when she stopped and looked back to check me out now. “I’m just letting you have a really good look. I did… so it's only fair. ” I teased her. “You’re welcome.” I grinned as I hopped off the log. I had to admit the whole idea of crossing a creek on a  log gave a sense of whimsy to this little adventure… the railing added to it was easily ignored to maintain the illusion.

I lengthened my stride to catch up with her on the path. “Any secret spots on this hike?” I leaned over closer to her and whispered. I clearly  remembered the trip to the Royal Basin and everything that happened there. I still had dreams about it.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

Shaking my head as I walked. “That there isn’t a reflection on you, it’s actually the sadness of how some people in this world are alone and without people who care for them.” My eyes moved to find him for a split second as I continued.

“The hospital staff… even some on the Rez… they see people who have the mindset that being there in someone’s time of need is a burden… They see people who weep at not belonging. So, when they see you. It’s something they need to comment on.”

My finger was already up flipping him off before he stopped talking about me checking him out. I mean I knew I had a big head when it came to eyes on me, but Embry Call was in a league of his own.

“You really need to come off your high horse. Unless you want some help with it. I’m happy to kick your arse from time to time.” My eyebrow raised when he asked about secret spots. I guess he knew I liked to find places no one else did so that I could be alone with myself and my wolf.

“It’s not much of a secret, but… every few people know about a spot. Question is do you want to be told… or should it a show and tell?”

•- Embry Call -•

I nodded... she did have a point. “You’re probably right... I always thought that maybe they just didn’t believe they’d have anyone in their lives that would do for them if they were ever in need.”

I laughed at the irony… a woman like Leah showing the slightest amount of  interest in someone was the ultimate ego boost and here she was threatening the keep that same ego in check. “That’s probably the most ironic thing I have ever heard, Clearwater.” I smiled at her. “But we both know you won't take me home your mom covered in dirt… So, I’m  safe…” I quirked a brow. “For now.”

I tilted my head like I was thinking about her proposition…. “You know I love a surprise. Lead the way.”

•- Leah Clearwater -•

Okay, he also hit a nail on the head. There were so many who didn’t believe in those around them. Maybe I had been one of those people for the longest time.

‘You used to call yourself a lone wolf while surrounded by two packs.’ She was awake, watching, and of course commenting.

“Who in the name of the spirits is being ironic? I’m telling you out right… my arse is worth the hype. Yours…. Hmmm…” lifting my hand and moving it from side to side.

My lips curled up into a smirk, he really believed I wouldn’t kick his arse before going home to Ma?

‘You know you wouldn’t, she would chew your ear off.’ Spirits, she was annoying when she was right. Rolling my eyes now at her.

“Sometimes, getting your ear chewed off by your Ma is worth the trouble.” Answering them both together.

“Anyway, it would give Ma  a reason to feed you and pull your cheeks. You wouldn’t take the joy of doing it from her, would you?” The path curled off to the north, and the east. The northern side slowly growing steeper and the one we take.

“Some surprises, may lead you off the side of a cliff… still want to follow alone, Wisearse?” She huffed. And Fine… I wasn’t going to take him off a cliff. But…. A woman could hope…

•- Embry Call -•

I nudged her with my elbow and laughed. “I’ll remind you of that the next time you grab mine.”

I shook my head again. I knew that wouldn’t but if I kept pushing the issue, she very well may risk the telling-off from #Sue just to prove a point. “And the excuse only your mom  needs to dote on me is that I walked through the door.” I smirked, but it was true. #Sue spoiled the packs; she knew that we had a lot of responsibility, and she would lift the pressure as best she could anytime, we were there. Protecting the tribe was a full-time job on top of  the full-time jobs or schooling that all of us had too.. because we still had human responsibilities to maintain too.

I laughed then when her words pulled from my thoughts. It was a full belly laugh… the kind that had only become a regular occurrence in my life again in the  last few months. “I suppose that would only be fair… But just remember, I got there first.” I turned to grin cheekily at her, laughing the big laugh again.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

Lost in that sound. That was the reaction of me and my wolf. We walked slowly watching him so closely that the world melted away. The hum of the spirits peaked in as the wind kissing my skin with a cool breeze.

Spirits… the way his eye lit up, the sound rang sweetly  in my ears, and more so, it was something that made me stop my breathing so that it was the only sound I could hear.

“Spirits.” Shaking my head slowly. Pressing my lips together I began chewing on the inside of my cheeks.

My mind gathered the last words he said. “On please, you may have been the first. But I will be the one who does it with style.”

Without anything else side, I started to jog up the incline, the moss full of some dampness as my boots hit the tops of it.

“Here, it’s up this way.” I broke out into a run, nothing too fast. I knew were alone, there were no new or fresh scents in the forest. But it was better to be careful.

•- Embry Call -•

I hadn’t missed her little whisper… she was paying attention to little things that were shocking her. She was always a detail-orientated person… but I was seeing more and more that details she wouldn’t have paid attention to in the past; were now the first thing she noticed.

But I couldn’t lie... the last few months had brought to light so many things about her that I hadn’t ever let myself focus on before.

“Will there be an audience this time? Or will I get the chance to kiss you in the ocean after you do it with style?” I waggled my brows at her.

I stopped to watch her bound up the bank on the side of the trail. “Spirits.” It was my turn to mutter it now. What a view!..... And she was gone, I huffed a laugh because I should have known. She was so quick. I took the rise in two long strides and  followed her into the trees and tried the catch up with her. Not that it would particularly matter.. we had just spoken about my knack for finding people. Was she testing the theory?

“Is this the part where you make me think I’m chasing you through the woods, but it ends with me going missing without a trace?” I teased her, I didn’t need to shout, she could hear me easily because I could still hear her moving through the trees.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

I left his questions unanswered; my words weren’t needed for them. He knew the truth and well, and if there was a question mark, it would give him pause to think.

My breath stayed as even as another person when they strolled in the park, as I leaped the creek after  making sure no one was there to see me.

The trees passed me, while I ducked and dived from the low falling branches. Until the sound of the falling water became clearer and clearer with every passing step taken.

Finally, my direction turned east, with a run up the side  of broken overgrown pathway that opened up into a small clearing. It was funny how the journey to this spot was testing for those who weren’t warriors, and then when you came to a stop. It was cleaned out, so those who found it could enjoy it.

“Still as beautiful.” I whispered to the cascading water and the sound of the hum in the air.

•- Embry Call -•

It was a gorgeous run, the trees were like the trees of home, but the earth was harder, dryer… it didn’t rain as much here, and I could tell by the way the soil felt beneath me. I couldn’t lie… the chase made me want to take off my boots and feel the ground against my bare  feet. Maybe even let my wolf out to explore here a little more. Expand those comprehensive maps my mind seemed to piece together of its own accord.

She made a sharp turn, and I trailed her, this was her surprise so I could follow her lead. I caught glimpses of her on the  terrain where my long stride helped me to compete with her quickness, but I never quite caught up. She was incredible, the way she moved through the trees because she belonged there… she left hardly a trace of her presence behind. Leaving the forest as pristine as it was before she passed through. Her scent and the occasional patch of flattened moss was all that lingered. The sound of cascading water reached my ears.

We came upon a path, and she started to slow and like we were in sync… so did I. I was glad I did because by the time I could see the crashing water she was standing in front of narrow falls, green life encroaching above, around and across the water. The spray that rose from the water caught the light when a breeze parted the branches above and let Grandmother’s light through. It glowed with little  spheres of colour all around her. The mist evaporated in the air before it could settle on her skin or clothes, save for a few determined droplets that settled on her hair and glowed in the dim light. Even with her back to me... She was a vision.

“Spirits.” I muttered. Tilting my face up to a gap in the trees. “I got the message.” I whispered to The Old Woman, she was reminding me once again that my fate and hers travelled the same path. I turned my gaze back to her and smiled.

She was a fucking Goddess. “But thanks for the reminder.” I whispered.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

I knew, without asking. His words weren’t for me, he was talking to them. And they were signing with joy in their midst. These places were where I came when I felt I needed a clear path to them, and also when I felt the need to just be with them and no one else. And I had come with him today.

They noted the difference in me today, then danced freely towards him. To the naked eye it would look like mist from the falls, but to me it was more. Mother Earth, the spirts of the water and the wind entwined to join, and to welcome him to them.

“He is listening.” I told them, but they knew this already. Because they pointed up to the sky and I saw the light kissing his forehead. “Spirits” Grandmother was kissing Embry Call, giving him her blessing. Was he on her path?

“Spirits.” I said to myself again, with my eyes not daring to leave the view before me.

The true question was, did he know? It wasn’t my place to step up and say anything, this was a personal moment that no one had the right to spoil or stop. So, I took a few steps away to give them the space he needed to have with her. But them his eyes came to find mine and he smiled that smile. The one that stopped my heart in its tracks.

Tilting my head to the side. I took him in. His broad shoulders, the height, the way his hair caught the light, and his eyes. Spirits his eyes sang so loud each and every day. And I wanted to listen to them now that I’d seen them. I smiled back. Because he has become the one person who saw the truth, no matter how often I tried to hide. There was on hiding when Embry Call looked into your eyes.

•- Embry Call -•

She had turned to face me, and if I had thought she was a vision from behind… there were no words for how she looked with a dewy sheen of mist across her face; evaporating and reforming continuously as the spray from the falls fell again and again over her cheeks. I heard her  words and knew that they weren’t for me. She was having her own moment. And it was beautiful. I watched it all unfold, enraptured.

I smiled and closed the distance between us, I reached up and touched a loose strand of her hair that the droplet had clung to. Running my fingers over it only served the make the soak into the hair, it fell straight and wet against her cheek. I was breaking oh-so-many rules right now. My ears were trained on the world around us… there was no one here, I would never push those boundaries anywhere that would put our little bubble at risk

My eyes stayed locked on hers. They were dancing with the reflected colours of the light shining on the falls and whatever she was thinking. “Don’t kill me.” I whispered to her. Normally those words were followed by a kiss. But right now I just  couldn’t take my eyes off of her.

I lifted my hands to her cheeks, brushing my thumb across the sheen that coated them and watched her skin dry due to her incredible body heat, and then slowly the mist regathered on her face as I cradled it. “Beautiful.” I said, softly… it  was the only word. She was truly beautiful all the way down to the centre of her soul.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

My heart stilled. My breathing slowed. My mind blocked the sounds of the world around us once I knew we were the only ones here. And I allowed the water, the spirits and his heart beat to become the rhythm of this moment.

He has been touched and blessed by our grandmother, he had listened to her which meant he had heard her.. Goosebumps weren’t something I experienced often, however my skin tinged as they came to form over me.

He has places trust into this path we were walking on. Each of us with our eyes set on what our choices were. And these choices brought us here today. Brought him to a place where he could look beyond the universe and see the light of our ancestors.

I felt like a thousand touches caressed, when his hands were so delicately placed, making me gasp a little. The rules ran through my thoughts, but the spirits sang of touch, of care, of the moment. Which in turn made me smile. (They were most definitely on his side here today.)

Eyes… Spirits his eyes… I couldn’t take mine away from them. It wasn’t from the stubbornness of not being the first to drop them. No… it was from the intrigue and excitement of what I saw in them. That was until my lips curled up, because knew those three small words came with mischief. The kind that would pull off my urge to throttle him. Not this time, my sight dropped to his lips, then slowly followed the line of moisture settling over his features.

The curve of his jaw.

The smooth skin of his face, with just a hint of growth starting to show.

His nose... which I had the urge to bite.

His forehead... with the glow of conversation with his spirits…

“Beautiful.” I replied back to him in a softly whispered voice for his ears only.

And I hoped he understood that it was not  just the exterior. I observed the son, the brother, the friend, the mentor, the supporter, the kind soul… the list was endless of what he succeeded in sharing.  When anyone viewed this man, they all witnessed something different, I was sure. It had become so clear to me.

This man… Embry Call had many, many, many different facets hidden in those eyes.

•- Embry Call -•

I smiled, she was here, only here, in this moment with me. Even if I could mentally hear her reciting the rules in her head. But that was allowed. The rules were for our bubble, after all. And if that meant that, for once… I was the one straddling both worlds; I would do that  for her. To allow her these seconds… maybe even minutes of weightless, free-thinking and feeling… then that was exactly what I would do.

With one foot planted in this world of magic and Spirits… and her… And one in the rest of the world with my ears trained on the  trees for anything remotely human. To allow her that security… Everything else was hers. She was all I could see, all I could smell, all I could feel. My hands on her cheeks, her hands on mine. I knew the second I felt her touch; this moment would live forever in my mind, and I silently told the Spirits that f I died tomorrow… this was the moment I wanted for my paradise. If I was worthy of such a thing.

“Extraordinary.” I replied to her compliment. “For a woman, so many believe to race through life and never stop too just be… You always take me  to the most remarkable, magical places.” I turned to kiss her palm and brought my eyes back to hers immediately. I didn’t want to miss anything. “Will you promise me one thing?” I smiled. I knew how seriously she took promises, but I knew no matter where this path led… no matter what we were to each other at any point in our lives, she could keep this one.

I dropped my voice… so low and soft that not even the Spirits could hear. “Never stop surprising me.”

•- Leah Clearwater -•

The kiss he placed on my palm lingered with a heat that wasn’t something I felt before. This is where the unspoken outweighed the spoken, and it felt deeper.

I stilled, my eyes burning into his and I held my breathing. He didn’t ask for promises, and the fact that he knew  I would take death over a broken word. It had to be something worthy of this moment we were sharing with the universe.

“I…” tilting my head I pressed my lips together. “Hmm…” I let the words sit for a moment. And when I was sure I heard him correctly. I answered. “Never Stop Surprising You?” He wasn’t joking. “This is the promise you want to ask of me?”

As soon as I asked the question, I felt the wind pick up and pelt me on the back of my head.

The message clear. ‘Stop asking questions instead of answering.’ And sure, it was something I disliked doing. But by the Spirits, a woman needs to make sure she understands the importance of a promise before giving her answer.

I wanted to snap my teeth and tell them to back off. But with company. Even I knew Embry would get it. That was going too far for me.

•- Embry Call -•

I saw the moment in her eyes when she realised, I was about to ask her for a promise… I smiled. Because her first reaction wasn’t to run away before I could get the question out.

One corner of my top lip lifted in a smile. She was turning the words over in her head, looking  for any loopholes I might have weaved into the request… I didn’t blame her. I found loopholes in our rules all the time. That breeze picked up again and I wasn't sure if the message was for her or me. Was I asking too much?

“That’s all…” I smiled meaning it. I leaned in  until our noses and foreheads touched. “The occasional surprise…” I took in a long breath of her scent. “No… is always… will always be, an acceptable answer, Leah. Always.” It was the truth; it wouldn’t mean our path wavered. That one word wouldn’t drop a wall in front of  us telling us we had nowhere left to go. I knew that the same was true for her… I could say it to her, and she would hear it, and respect it.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

Closing my eyes, I took the moment as it was meant for us. The breeze blew strands of my hair into his face the scent of him filled my senses.

“I know.” I did. “I know I could say No, and that is it. You wouldn’t question it or me.” One of the things I knew about him for a  long while.

But this wasn’t a big ask. “I promise Embry, I promise Never to stop surprising you. However big or small it may be.” I could do that because he wasn’t asking me to change. He was asking me to continue being me.

My hands found his, and I laced our fingers together. Pulling back enough to glance over to the falls and then back to his deep dark eyes.

“Who knew you could ask for a promise, especially since neither of us believed in staying put long enough to ask or to be asked.” Spirits, was this the lesson for today?

To gain trust, you had to be willing to trust yourself? But we did, right? We had shown trust in one another time and time again. Before the night he had kissed me.

•- Embry Call -•

I knew that this was essentially me asking her to keep being herself. But it was so much more at the same time, those words, I promise … from her lips it meant a lot. I know what it cost her, the act of the promise itself; was a huge leap of trust that I didn’t take  lightly and the smile on my face undoubtedly showed her how deeply I understood that.

She’d given me her trust… so much trust over this entire journey. And today… it was even deeper. She had faith in me.

Those kinds of encounters she was talking about couldn’t compare to  a lifetime of history and everything it’s evolved into; she knew that too. But if she needed the heaviness of the moment lightened… well that was kind of my speciality. “Me.” I smiled and flicked my eyes to the falls, the Spirits dancing in the mist that continue the dry and  settle on our skin in an endless cycle of blessings. “Them…”

I chuckled now. “I would have… but you hesitated.” It wasn’t a true hesitation… she was giving it serious thought. I lightly bit the end of her nose and flashed her a broad smile.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

“Hmm… “ He wasn’t wrong. “They know far more than they let on, because we have to make the choices to walk over the path.” Tilting my head, a little to look back at the water.  “Not that it would stop them from kicking my arse, if I choice one they weren’t full agreeing with.” My lips curled up into a smirk. Because on those paths too, they wouldn’t stop me. Those were where the lessons were learnt for life to grow.

Rolling my tongue over my teeth, I raised an eyebrow looking back to him. “I did not hesitated, Embry Call. I make sure I had all the information, before making my decision. There’s a difference in the two I’ll have you know, Wisearse.”

I moved out from between his arms, taking a few steps away and them towards the falls. “Embry…” Biting the inside of my cheek I lean onto the wooden fence. “You’ve never said anything about the fact that I see the spirits, that I talk to them.” Turning my head to catch sight of him. “Doesn’t it bother you?” I’d never thought of asking him the question. Mostly because the nights he stays with me, the spirits let me be. I’d only shared spaces like here, and the Royal basin with him and them together like this.

•- Embry Call -•

I let her go when she stepped away, curling my fingers against the fabric of her shirt; just to let her know that I would always keep her closer if I could. I respected the space she made between us and took a moment to appreciate the sight of her backdropped by those gorgeous  falls. The urge to take a picture fell over me… I was normally one to appreciate the moment does not ruin it by trying to freeze it in time. But right now I wanted to do both. Instead, I fixed the moment in my memory.

Her question made me exhale… I had a lot of thoughts on  this. “Your relationship with the Ancestors and Spirits is sacred, Leah. I don’t ever want to be a roadblock in that connection. But there are a few things that bother me about it.”

I moved closer. Not wanting there to be too much space between us that she would think these  things bother me were a deal breaker. “Maybe bother is the wrong word… but don’t understand… Like, why they don’t let you sleep? I know that it's time they use to teach you things… but never?” I shook my head… dropping my gaze for a second. “It seems cruel… and then… I started to think… maybe that’s why they joined our paths… because you seem to sleep when I’m with you. But we can’t spend every night together.”

I leaned on the fence now, within arm’s reach of her. “Keeping you from dreaming… and that night… in the bar, when #Jay and  #Kim were having their… crisis. It was like you were in pain… in actual physical pain and I don’t understand why they would do that to you.” I sighed heavily now. “You sacrifice everything for the pack, your family… the tribe. And they seem to take so much from you… I can’t see  any reason why… I can’t see how it helps the tribe, or you, or the Protectors. Maybe it isn’t for me to understand, but I wish I could.” I turned to catch her gaze and paused, falling a little deeper into the depths of her eyes. “I would give up all of my dreams just so you could have one night filled with the best dream you’ve ever had.”

I had so many dreamed-filled nights in my life… I could give up the rest of those just so she would understand the depts of dreaming. I had more than enough to hold onto.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

By the name of the Spirits, this I hadn’t seen coming. Questions sure, however such deep filled ones,  and the fact that I could tell he really had put some thought into it. I stood glancing at the water for a while. Thinking, listening, and understanding where Embry was coming from. Why he would see it the way he did, and how I could explain it.

This was my life, had I questioned it? Yes, I had, but had I pushed for it to change? No, never, not once I came back from being lost.

“It’s hard for me to put things into words. But let me try?”

I saw the bench behind us, nodding my head towards it. I turned, taking his hand in mine to guide us towards it, hoping to show him that anything he wanted to know, I would find a way to answer. But where should I start? Just by answering his questions maybe? Addressing the things, he was concerned with to start with? Yes.

Sittig down, I let his hand go, crossing my legs before me, I clasped my hands on my thigh.

“Sleep…” I started… “it’s… best if I start with the history of me and my relationship with them?” Nodding my head towards the mist still dancing in the air. “You know that I was born with this.” Moving my hand around me. “Some call it a sight, some a connection, and some call it a madness.” How many times had I heard those whispers…

“As a young kid, I didn’t see a difference in the way I spoke to them… and how I spoke with… say Rachel and Becca.” Finding the two names of those who were closest to me growing up. “They were all as real to me as the other. I learnt as I grew, not understanding the concept of what others saw. But that changed as my youth became older. When the world’s eyes weren’t so forgiving to a young girl with something that was seen as abnormal. I wanted to be like the others, I wanted Friends, I wanted what other girls had. So, I closed myself off. I stopped it all: they kept trying and I pushed back. Until…” My eyes moved to the water again. “Until my change. They no longer were asking to be let in, they kicked the doors down.”

My eyes searched his to see if this was something he had been aware of,  or if it was new information. “When I finally stopped fighting and I let them in… it was like opening the floodgates. I was drowning. Until the Great wolf stepped in. He held them back. Letting them step down to speak to me, one at a time… Until I could learn to do it for myself.” Shaking my head. “But, But by then I had grown to resent myself…” Chewing on the inside of my cheek thinking for a breath, and letting Embry soke in what was said.

“My body sleeps, my mind to a point does too. But it’s not the kind of sleep you would expect from someone I guess.” What was I trying to tell him? “The years I had closed myself off had to be pushed into a short space of time. I couldn’t do it in the waking day. Not with everything that was happening…. All our lives were turned upside down… Da…” I pressed my lips together looking back towards the waterfall again. I didn’t need to rehash that time out. It had been there for all to see, and Embry was there too. “I didn’t want an easy path, maybe as a punishment, maybe with the realisation, that I could have seen what had happened coming… if  only I hadn’t closed myself off trying to blend in? I could have saved our tribe’s young… maybe the pups wouldn’t have changed so young if I saw it all. They could have changed when it was their rightful time…. Maybe Da….” My throat tightened a little. But I pushed past it. “My bucket of sins had grown so deep, and I didn’t want to go unpunished for my mistakes.”

I didn’t dare pull my eyes away to the dancing spirits who begun to move closer to me, to cocoon me from myself. “Anyway. I gave up my sleep, my dreams so that I could learn. So, that I could gain the most powerful thing at my disposal… Knowledge… As time went on, I made the choice to continue that way. It’s not our spirits who are cruel. This was a choice I made.”

My mind moved back to the situation Embry, addressed next. #Jay and #Kim. How could I explain what took place there? “I have a responsibility to the tribe, to the pack, and to those who came before us. Listening, learning, and sharing…. That is what I was born to do. I for the longest time believed I was…. Born… to sacrifice.” This part I knew was not new to him. We’d spoken to it before. “What happened with a Warrior and their Imprint doesn’t affect me, until it is something I should have seen coming, something I could have helped or supported them with. I had missed something with those two… What occurred wasn’t a punishment on me. It was a visual of what they were feeling….” Was I explaining this correctly at all? “If I were to say to you. Kim was upset. She felt she was aging out past Jay… You may understand. You may have an idea of how she felt. But the spirits… they take a different route with me. Because I can’t see those things. To me age is nothing. Jay will be hers no matter what.” Rubbing my forehead because I knew I couldn’t find the words to explain my shortcoming. “Sometimes for me to understand the pain someone is going through… I need to feel it too.” Scoffing a little as I laughed at myself, shaking my head. How imperfectly perfect could I be? . “Stone hearts, cannot understand those with soft hearts.” Someone had once said that to me. and it came in handy now.

Finally, I turned myself to face him. “I don’t want you to give up on your dreams, Embry. I couldn’t take those away from you. I’m fine with how I am. This is all my choice.”

•- Embry Call -•

I knew that it was difficult for her the find words for her feelings… and this conversation was bound to be full of them. This was her relationship with the Spirits… her ancestors, our ancestors. It’s a pity we weren’t a little further from home or I might try and convince  that beautiful Spirit animal of hers to show me all of it. I followed her unquestioningly to the bench… she was really going to answer all of these questions? She knew she could always tell me… this is private… or I’m not ready to share and I would take her hand and walk back to the car just like we’d walked here.

I flinched when she used the word madness... I knew it was a word people had used, about her or to her face. I had never really understood because by the time I was old enough to have remembered to behaviour they were talking about; it was gone… I thought it was just small-town bullshit, the same as I had put up with for being the Makah kid on the Quileute Rez. But I wouldn’t interrupt her when she was sharing something so personal.

My heart broke for her… I knew what it felt like to want to fit in… but I had always had #Jake and #Quil. Other than those few short months when I had to stay away from them for their own safety. “Wait!” I couldn’t stop the breathy gasp… was that why she was the only woman that was called to protect the tribe? She had closed  them out and they made the change to find their way back in? No… they wouldn’t… they… Couldn’t… could they?

No… It couldn’t be. She heard them her whole life because she had always been destined to phase. But could the Spirits have predicted that the Cullens would  return to Forks when Leah was still just a child?

I knew her body rested, we could last on less sleep than a human, at least once the intense growth spurt and muscle building were over…

After the first change, I had slept almost an entire day to recover from the toll it had taken on my body… I remember the young pups… they had so much growing to do after phasing at just thirteen… for almost a year they slept every second they could. Leah had no problems keeping up with any of us… So you never could have called her sleep deprived… but it  just wasn’t the same. Or I suppose it wasn’t to me… But Leah… she had her own way of seeing the world. It was her life… no one else’s. But how can you imagine a world you didn't experience? Asking these questions, I supposed.

My heart wrenched again at the mention of her  father. Did she really think she could have changed things with the pups and Harry? The vampires in Seattle and coming after #BellaSwan was what caused the kids to phase and that phasing probably saved one of those kids lives. I know I had used the word cruel… but not implying that the Spirits were cruel… or… not meaning to anyway. But thinking about it now… it did seem like that was what I meant. Maybe somewhere deep down I did… but I never claimed to be perfect.

I chewed on my lip… this wasn’t the first time that I heard her refer  to herself as a sacrifice… she had used the word disposable… more than once. But the meaning was much the same. It still baffled me that the Spirits expected her to manage the relationships of the imprinted wolves… the division in the packs made that impossible. I knew  that there was nothing she could say to me that would make me feel okay with what I had seen that night in the basement of the HWH. I took in a long breath when she was done and let it out for even longer.

“I know you wouldn’t Leah… And I know it’s not an option. But the  simple fact that you would never want anyone to give up a single thing for you is exactly why; if it was possible to give you even one dream… and the cost was the rest of mine. It would be worth it. It has been far too long and far too late for someone to sacrifice just one  thing for you for no other reason than you deserve it. I have more than enough dreams to hold onto. But at the same time…” I chuckled. “I couldn’t force it on you. If you choose those nights with the great wolf… who am I to steal even one of those from you.”

I paused for a moment and processed what she’d told me. “I can’t tell you I understand what it was like to have people call you mad and all of the things people said to you. You know that I had my own issues with being judged, but it was always petty prejudices, it was never really about me… it was about ridiculous cultural divides, from people with small minds or people raised by the small-minded. By the time I heard the things people said; you were older, and I just assumed it was all idiotic rumours. I thought… I see this girl all the time at #Jake’s  house and she never does that… they have no idea what they’re talking about. I’m sure when you realised that most people didn’t see the world the way you did, it was… Scary. And I couldn’t guess what else… but now… knowing you can still see them like that…” I shook my  head and smiled. “It’s amazing… you can see the magic that makes us what we are… hear their songs…” I fell silent… What I wouldn’t give to hear those songs.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

“That’s the thing… you don’t have to fully understand everything today… but by me trying to explain… maybe… a little of it may settle into your mind or in your heart….”

Telling your story is never an easy ride, laying your cards out on the table, opening yourself up to  the possibility that the person across from you wouldn’t fully grasp what you’re talking about. But I didn’t have that fear to face when it came to this man.

Embry had shown faith in me when he told me his story, and he had stumbled into part of mine in Seattle. Not once did he mention judgment. Today was no different, he listened, he didn’t offer solutions or give opinions. He told me what it looked like from his side of this bench we sat on.

“I’m not perfect… I can’t lie… sometimes I do just myself time to think about what used to be said.” Shaking my head because I was not proud of it.

“But… Someone you know really well once told me… Healing can be hard when your inner child only wants love, your teenage self wants revenge, and your present self just wants peace.” His mom had the best advice.

“I don’t expect anything from those people, I don’t hold it against them anymore either. I am a warrior of our ancestors it is my responsibility to protect and defend them. So… I choose peace over reliving the past…”

My eyes rested on the  water before us, watching the presence of light, reflecting off and on to the water falls.

She was listening to me and watching him whenever my eyes would find his face. She smiled as he spoke about giving me his dreams. And she made our chest feel so warm, that I had to place my hand on mine to give it a little rub.

‘He will make sure you do not go back to how you were. Balance… that is what had always been missing from you.’ 

Once again, she refused to acknowledge that she was right there with me. (Even if we both knew, her fighting me  would never have happened.)

“We all can hear them in our own ways, Embry. For some it’s a beautiful dream, for others it’s the emotions they feel from time to time. Or the sound in the air as the wind blows through.”

‘We could show him?’ She whispered. And I shook my head. Not here… not now… this wasn’t the place.

‘No…  I mean yes… that too… but sing…. Sing it to him?’ Biting the inside of my cheeks, I listened. To her, to them, to him…. Could I?

‘Yes…’ She whispered, as the spirits began to change the tune. I could hear it as clear as a summers day. He knew I could sing, he had heard me, but this was difficult. I’d never shared their words with another.

‘Because no one has asked you too before.’ She reminded me. And this was true too. No one had asked me to share their songs. Stories of our ancestors sure… but the music? Never.

I closed my eyes, calmed my breathing, the beating of my heart. Opening myself up to them. So, when I looked out to the water fall, I saw them like stars twinkling before me. As they gave me permission, I nodded my  head once in understanding. These were his learnings as much as they were mine. He’s stories and his history.

But the song they sang for him now. It wasn’t about the past, it was of finding peace within yourself, and the power that comes from it. “Forgive me if I make a mistake.” I whispered to them, knowing he could hear me too.

(Music Credit - Peace and Power by Joanne Shenandoah - https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=ip56gP3mQzE&feature=share )

•- Embry Call -•

I nodded. “I’m starting to… understand. And thank you… I know that you know you don't owe me any answers. But you gave them to me anyway.” I lifted one of her hands from her lap and held it. I knew I was breaking a rule.. but there was no one here… we could make this place temporarily our bubble. Right?

I smiled wide… “Oh, the revenge line!” I laughed. “Of course, that was the line I focused on when I was a kid.” My gaze met hers. “You know how much she loves you, don’t you?” I know she wasn’t fond of that word, but she had used it first.

I laughed again, remembering the walk I had with Grandmother. “Or they talk in riddles.” I muttered… still intending for her to hear. 

I could tell by how still she was that she was having one of her silent conversations again… but with whom? Her wolf… the Spirits… the Great Wolf? Surely a presence like that would lie heavy in the air. Impossible to miss. Then I heard it.

It was her voice…. Like I had never heard it before. She was singing their songs to me… I hardly took a breath while I listened… she was… it was unearthly. Beautiful… more than I ever imagined. My eyes stayed on the misty falls, drifting from them to her and back the whole time she sang. I could hear them in her voice, the music of the crashing water in the background. I was speechless… I, Embry Call… was speechless. That never happened.

I crocked one finger under her chin and turned her face to mine, bringing her closer until our foreheads touched, and I rested my hand against her cheek. I was breaking all the rules now.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

After I finished, we sat there for I wasn’t sure how long. I squeezed his hand, and my eyes lifted to meet his, how did time bend and compress so greatly when I shared it with him? The question still to this day remained unanswered. 

We were both breaking those rules I had been so adamant in creating and placing for us, and our bubble. I closed my eyes now, breathing in this forest around me. It wasn’t home like the forests of La push but having his scent here with me made it somewhat familiar. 

“I think she called it the growth speech, so maybe don’t tell her your takeaway is the revenge part.” It was a tease, because I had taken all of her advice to heart, I had thought she was teaching me to keep the world out. But she wasn’t, she had tried to teach and guide me on how to survive with my head held high. 

Love… that word…. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand. And my breath stops. My battle with it was still raging, just not as strong as it had once been. 

“I know she does, she’s never stopped reminding me over the years.” My voice was steady with the years of practice, but my emotions were a riot uninterrupted to the most parts. I may not say the word, but it didn’t mean I didn’t feel the emotion toward those who cared for me. 

“Rule breakers…” I whispered… “They are all going out the window today.” Turning my head, I kissed his palm once.

Still unable to believe what I had done.

•- Embry Call -•

Her warm brown eyes found mine and I smiled. She wasn’t pulling away, she was here… all in… breaking all the rules right along with me. “I was a fifteen-year-old werewolf.” I chuckled and cringed at the words we used back then. “Maybe I was a little jaded. But I think that’s  understandable, right?”

I felt how that word had made Leah stiffen… but it was the only way that Mom would describe her relationship with Leah. “And she never will.” I chuckled. My grandfather had grown up in a very Catholic home… with very little affection. So, when he  made a home and a daughter of his own, he decided to break that cycle and filled his house with I love you’s, hugs, kisses, and music. My Mom raised me (And #Jake and #Quil) the same way.

The press of her lips to my palm made my heart skip. I caught my bottom lip, knowing she heard it. “Well, since the rule book is closed for a moment…” I leaned in and pressed my lips to her forehead. “We should make the most of it.” I kissed the tip of her nose. “That song…” I whispered and pressed my lips to hers… “Was the most beautiful thing I ever heard… and that is saying something coming from me.”

I didn’t thank her, I knew she wouldn’t like that. But there was no way I could ever let this moment pass without acknowledging it.

•- Leah Clearwater -•

I wanted to smack him upside the head. We were not werewolves, and I disliked the comparison with a passion. But this wasn’t the time for such a reaction.

“We were all jaded to an extent, I guess. No one can be blamed for how we reacted at that age. It wouldn’t be fair in the slightest.’ I knew he had it harder, making the choice to keep his mom out of the secret of our life hadn’t been an easy one to make. At least #TheKid and I had ma as our backup, our support system in the real world. As much as she tried to be there for Embry, as much as #Billy tried too, some battles were his to fight.

I raised my eyebrow when I heard his heart. It had become my favourite soundtrack, one that gave me calm times to think and be myself. It was also a telltale sign that Embry Call was about to do something which could cause his arse to hit the ground.  

But before I could react, my warrior stepped up to stop me. She showed me the moment we were in, she showed me the forest clear of scent and sounds, she showed me the emotion in which this moment was being lived in. So, I closed my eyes, letting him kiss me on my nose, and letting the warmth of his lips touching mine whelm me.

I kissed him back, letting my lips move with his for a few minutes before pulling back to meet his gaze. “We are breaking them all.” I whispered, shaking my head. “You’re a bad influence, Embry Call.” Heat rushed up the side of my neck at the compliment. “It’s their song, I’m just a voice so that it can be heard.”  I told him.

•- Embry Call -•

I caught the way her pupils constricted at the word, but back then it was all we knew. “We all had our trials back then, all different… none can be compared or quantified. But we all made it.”

She returned my kiss, not just allowing me to kiss her, this entire time she was here with me. Living in this moment only. Her evolution was happening before my very eyes. Was mine as plain to see for her? “Thank you very much for noticing.” I teased, nipping at her lower lip. “I work hard at it.” I smile, my thumb sweeping against the corner of her mouth. “And we’re mostly bending them.”

My heart was still beating out of time, in a rhythm that couldn't be pinned down. The song still filled my head, only now I could hear it, in the sound of the water, the wind in the trees… even the birds were singing it. How had I missed this? It was everywhere. I closed my eyes, letting her be my eyes for a moment and keep watch to make sure our bubble remained only ours. I tilted my head up and just listened. “I can still hear it.” I whispered. “It's in everything.”  

•- Leah Clearwater -•

Reframing from snapping my teeth as he teased me, I stood in front of him with my hand placed over his chest.

“I see you….” Whispering the words to him? Or was it to his heart? Who really knew at this point.

I didn’t speak after that, it was like watching him play right now, the way he was concentrating. The glimmer in his Earth toned eyes, the way they crinkled when he smiled full heartedly. The way I could tell he wanted to love this time so deeply, that he wouldn’t have to worry about forgetting anything.

By the spirits…. My heart danced at his revelation… he could hear them? Was it just the sound of my voice and singing he was replaying? But something told me no… he had broken through.

“I’ve got you… take that leap… tell them… show them… you have come together finally.” It was happening… “Your heart and mind… they are opening up to hear the truth about our ancestors.” This was the evidence of his evolution.

I stepped into him; my hands moved to cup his face lifting my eyes over to the waterfall I saw then clearly. Dancing, singing, telling him the story again. This time aware that I wasn’t their voice.

“They are the sun and the moon, the water and the earth, they are the birds and the insects, they are the air we breathe. They are all around you, showing you the way, protecting you path, guiding you through whatever you call them in.”

My voice was low, soft, and welcoming. Speaking to the man whose eyes were closed but opened to this new reality all at once.

The light of the day was leaving us, telling me it was coming close to our time to leave. But I wasn’t going to rush him. I would wait until he heard everything he wanted.

= The End =

(Music: Peace and Power – Joanne Shenandoah)