#i think i'm anxious about tomorrow
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i don't feel well. :( i feel like there's a big hammer heading towards me rn. like i literally feel like something bad is going to happen to me. i feel like something bad has happened. it hasn't found me yet but it's on its way. what is going on.
#i think i'm anxious about tomorrow#i'm taking my grandmother to see my aunt who we're pretty sure is like actively dying in the hospital#i think it's triggering my ptsd tbh like i've been having way more nightmares lately and waking up crying and crying generally#i can't go in the room tomorrow but i do want to go near it to support my grandmother as much as i can and i'm worried i'll see my cousins#/i hope i'll see my cousins#it's mixed emotions because they're where i was when my mom was pretty actively dying#and they don't know#and i remember i didn't know#because no one knew how to tell me and these things are never sure#but i wish i had known because maybe things would've been different#so yeah. communicating with people who are. at least in my mind. where i was summer of 22. very rough.#it would be very hard not to weigh in. and something tells me these people i haven't seen in years who've apparently been shit talking me#don't want me to weigh in#i just realised i don't remember if they were even at my mom's funeral. like i have no clue. they would've sat near me. no idea.#i know we all saw each other at my brother's/their brother's memorial that year#i wish i could move somewhere far away and make new relationships with new people and never think about these people again#adam yaps#no condolences on the aunt please. she's been incredibly cruel to me since i was very young lol.
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Aw man...
#Vent incoming wee woo wee woo#Goooood man I feel so. Stressed and anxious cuz of my job#I hate it. I hate trying not to cry every 5 minutes#I hate the feeling in my chest. It's like someone is poking really hard into it#It's almost suffocating#I feel awful. Every little thing makes me angry. I don't want to be angry at ppl who did nothing wrong. I don't want to be like this#I really wish I wasn't like this. Why can't I be more calm and normal#I feel like I need a good cry. But I don't have anywhere to go for that#When I'm at home I don't feel like crying cuz I purposefully distract myself from stress#But I do feel like crying at work#But ofc I can't cry at work#And even at the end of the Day when going home I'm too tired to cry. Plus it would look weird for other ppl walking by...#I hate this. I get all stressed durring work but then I can't let it out#I have work rn. And tomorrow#I'm just gonna have to feel awful until my Days off come#God. I really hate venting. I don't like ppl seeing me like this but. I don't have anything else left to relieve the pain#I just don't know what to do anymore#Where to go#Whatever. This feeling will go away eventually#It will come back ofc#I just wish there was a better way to ease the pain. But again. I don't have a place for that#So I'll just have to seat w these feelings until they go away#I'll try to keep myself distracted. Which will be hard cuz I. Am at work. The place which makes me feel these things in the first place#But whatever! I'll try anyways#I'll look at art. Or I'll think about characters that I like...#Save me fictional characters. Save me!!#Anyways. Vent over 🎉
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pretty sure i have a kidney infection but i think everything is gonna be okay
#i called the doctors office neither of my beautiful lady doctors who believe me every time i say i have a problem were there and a guy#doctor was the only person to talk to#and he said PUSSY ASS BITCH TAKE AN IBUPROFEN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP#just kidding he gave me some other symptoms to watch out for and said to go to the er if i get those. but that for now i should just keep an#eye on it. anyway i cried a little bit i called my mom and she said that i should be peeing after sex and i said yes mom i'm a grown ass#woman. i called my bf he had a theory that i am making myself anxious about it and making the pain worse. which may have been true but also#i think he's biased bc he gives himself psychosomatic symptoms of everything all the time.#but i'm taking a bath and watching dumb youtube and i actually feel way better so maybe it's true.#anyway i'm already on antibiotics. i'm going to survive the night. if it's not feeling better tomorrow i can call my doctor again!!! bitch!#like calm down jesus....
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thursday quest - no physical therapy today - make and eat lunch sooooo early but i can do it!!!!! - get ready for wedding - attend wedding! yay! (: - decompress well when i get home <3
#its thursday quest#god i'm so anxious about it autism style. so many uncertainties that i simply cannot account for alone. but i'm being sooo 'brave' about it#(keeping it to myself. except for posting about it)#taxi company hasn't texted me the drivers' details yet and i emailed them to be like ummmm your policy is to pay before the day#would you like to email me the payment details so i can do that? and they were like 'we'll send the driver details soon' ummmm#there isn't much soon left!!!!!!! it's happening tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!#they're probably just not Organised™ in the way i prefer to be. which is objectively fine it's just challenging for me personally.#i do not think it's Bad but!!!!! i've never taken a taxi before <- guy who Is Scared Of Taxis Specifically but has to face#their fears because they're disabled and have no other choice.#worst case i am down the money and no-one arrives to take me home i guess :P but it'll be afternoon AND my family are there so#in theory i could just get a lift home even though that would mess up other people's plans sooooo bad. UNLESS they have already drunk uhhhh#in which case i guess i'd just ask for help calling a taxi to the place. plany of people who can do such things easily (unlike me)#it'll be fine!!! i can ask my siblings if need be bc they are so niceys and will not get mad at me for being autistic o7#My other worry is being too hot and being in a rush getting ready bc i have to eat a proper meal due to the symptoms syndromes#and we are leaving when my lunch usually is so that's a whole thing. which ALSO doesn't matter and I can do! it's just hard!#where is that post that's like 'managed mental illness can look like absence of mental illness 😅'. NOT saying being autistic is mental#illness i am saying that the specific extreme anxiety i have is for me linked to autistic issues with 'the unknown' and boy. does this#social situation also have a lot of unknown.#BUT I CAN DO IT! and dare i say even have a nice time!!!!! it's just i get so so scared beforehand but i will not express it in a way that#impacts or inconveniences anyone else!!! i can handle it by myself at my house and it'll be fine
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starting to feel increasingly miserable but it's okay and it will be because i am trying and i am making an effort and soon i will go and shower and feel a little bit more human and alive and then i will attempt my work again and then i will do something that brings joy and it will help
#anxious about tomorrow as well#in general#and i'm afraid of failing again after getting so close to getting past this because it's a distinct possibility#and i dont know what to do with that#i know that if i do i have a chance next year#but then what if it happens all over again#like this year is a close repeat of last year#it's not quite the same but there is so much that is similar and that is overwhelming to me#and it makes me wonder if maybe i'm just someone who shouldnt be studying or attempting to because it's useless#but i dont think that's true anymore#and yet#it's just a lot of anxiety idk i feel terrible right now#hopefully the feeling eases and passes soon#ra yaps
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not to keep yapping on and on about how these books feed me a lot of byan energy, but like. i'm flipping back through the sections i flagged while i was reading and...
"She was perfectly content as long as people left her in peace. Unfortunately society was not very smart or understanding; she had to protect herself from social authorities, child welfare authorities, guardianship authorities, tax authorities, police, curators, psychologists, psychiatrists, teachers, and bouncers, who (...) would never let her into the bar even though she was twenty-five. There was a whole army of people who seemed not to have anything better to do than to try to disrupt her life, and, if they were given the opportunity, to correct the way she had chosen to live it. ㅤIt did no good to cry, she had learned that early on. She had also learned that every time she tried to make someone aware of something in her life, the situation just got worse. Consequently it was up to her to solve her problems by herself, using whatever methods she deemed necessary."
like, come on. u get it. u understand this aspect of my obsession. u change the pronouns and that's just byan, ok.
#goddddd i could write an essay dude#there's this other line... i think in the second book? but basically it's that lisbeth's biggest fear is people laughing at her feelings#and god. GOD. yeah. that one hit me right in the byan hyperfixation too.#not to mention this bit talking about why she likes mikael and there's this realization that he treats her like a human being#that really spoke to me in regard to byan & sol#ANYWAY......... i'll shut up i'm sorry. i'm anxious and trying to distract myself from everything i have to do tomorrow lmfajkdfd#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
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tag vent time
#jesus fucking christ I haven't felt this way in a long time#I can't figure out why I'm suddenly so fucking emotional#and like I don't mean period type of emotional#I've eaten and had water today#I went outside#I had my meds#I had so much fun with friends last night#I had good ideas to write about today#for some reason today everything just immediately became demotivating#no matter what I was trying to do#and I don't know why I'm crying#I'm not overwhelmed#I'm not anxious#Am I insecure?#I don't think so I'm pretty happy with who I am and where I am in life#I'm not even that upset about being made to go to church again tomorrow I'm just playing piano and scootalooin'#school is easier this semester than it was last semester and I'm ahead in most of my classes#why the fuck am I sad?#why can't I pinpoint why I'm upset?#oh also I slept really well last night too#I showered today too and brushed my teeth and had my favourite snack what the FUCK is going on
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i am so glad this week is finally (almost) over
i had an appointment with my pcp on monday to see about this possible kidney stone situation
they did a urinalysis on me and sure enough i do have some blood in my urine so that plus the pain means it's likely there's a stone, but i'm in a situation again where i haven't had any pain for days so it's like...that's not good !! (especially since this has been going on for a few months at this point !)
they ordered me a ct scan which i had today so i'm hoping maybe sometime tomorrow i'll get the results of that and we can maybe figure out what's going on
i also had a dentist appointment on wednesday but it was just a cleaning and my dentist said everything looks good. it is kinda funny because i was actually supposed to have this appointment months ago but decided to reschedule because i had too much going on that week and so it got pushed out until now and then i end up having even more shit to do this week than i did back then so...oh well !! it's finally done
and tomorrow i've gotta do some of my usual errands (mostly taking the garbage off and getting a few things from the grocery store) and then i think i'll finally be done !! hopefully !!
hope you have a good, restful weekend coming up if you're reading this !! <3
#i'm just hoping and praying at this point that i've passed the stone if that is what it is#and that i don't get a call about this ct and it's like#uh hey you're gonna need a procedure to get this thing out before you start to go septic again#just....please god not again#but i guess if that is the situation then we'll just deal with it#anyway#in any case i at least got all my work done for the week so that's something#i've had to work later to make up for all the time i've been out at these appointments but i did it !!#and now hopefully this weekend i can just......rest#please god#i do have a lot of stuff i need to look over for school because i have a meeting with my student advisor next week#and although i appreciate him sending me all this information it's.....a lot#and i'm kind of starting to panic now like 'uh-oh!! uh-oh what have i gotten myself into ?!'#but i'm gonna just...power through it and keep going#because i really want this now and it's probably gonna add a bunch of stress to my life#when i already don't really have a lot of room for that but#i think in the end it'll be worth it#so that's what we're holding out for#and in the mean time if my body could just.....not have any more health problems#that would be fucking amazing thank you#anyhow#i didn't get a lot of sleep last night so i'm gonna go to bed now#it's just gonna be me here this weekend because mom's off with her boyfriend#which is fine i like having the place to myself#but i also have to take care of our dog by myself and he's way more attached to her than me#so he tends to be super anxious when she's not here#and so we're gonna do our best with that as well#but part of that also means i gotta get up ass early to let him out to go potty#so i'm gonna go get a few hours in before it's time for that#and then once i run my errands tomorrow i can maybe hopefully finally unwind a little
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I hate being an anxious "always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always considering the worst case scenario" type of person cause that means even though I didn't give the guy in front of my door who was claiming to be my gas provider any signature or infos that he didn't already have and even though I won't know if it was a scammer before I can call the provider tomorrow I am now convinced that I'll be robbed blind tomorrow and a complete emotional mess
#I didn't sign anything and he had all my info already so I think maybe he was legitimate#If he wasn't legitimate then he had a lot of personal data like birthdate and email etc etc about me#AND THAT WOULD BE CONCERNING FOR A WHOLE DIFFERENT REASON#Just an anxious mess right now#Didn't give him anything and still anxious#Make it make sense brain#Pray for me that the provider tells me tomorrow oh yeah we are sending people around#If not I gotta call the police or something#Guy gave me his phone number so I could get in touch so another reason why it's probably ok like y would he do that if he was a scammer?#Gah idk I'm stupid and anxious and angry#Just ignore
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good morning!!! <333
#thinking i'm gonna take a day off of video games -- also it's breakfast day :D#i have plenty of time left to finish the event tomorrow/the next day#plus i wanna watch more arcane :3#i watched three episodes yesterday (so i'm starting number 6 today)#and <333#i love caitlyn in season 1 (yes i know about her in season 2)#she's literally so cute#also vi <333#it's also funny that my lore's like developing alongside each episode i watch#i love overthinking about whether i should ship with cait when this all over as if the show doesn't give her and vi a happy ending#despite it all and i don't condone her actions (neither does my s/i the way i'm working on it) so...#maybe?#oh and if this were a male character i probably wouldn't be overthinking as much#i'm just anxious bc of the takes i'm seeing on tiktok i guess#that's enough rambling though lol#anyways i hope today/tonight is kind to you!!#morning rambles
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Sometimes i feel useless and annoying
#//vent#my vent art is... normal sometimes like this one so okay to rb but idk might delete later or removing the tags#i use a lot the wilsons as confort ch actually#idk sometime i feel like i'm not that appreciated in the fandom idk despite my heart know it's wrong#i think it just bc i overthink about some tawog artists that i enjoyed giving support for months but they never interacted with me#and for one of them their art and cute doodles helped me in personal stuff + brought me back to tawog fandom#and i hoped to make them smile with my art but.. yeah they just... don't care after these months#I get sad and disappointed that now they art send just... /neg vibes so i unfollowed them#idk i just feel guit that i made them upset for... unknown reasons#sigh i should just don't care about that and keep to draw dor myself#cringy or not#i'm mostly an optimistic person but overthink a lot when i feel anxious haha#i'll be probably smile and enjoy life again tomorrow#if ppl wanna talk or sending cute ask ye you can#talking with ppl help me to confort so feel free
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hey love! just checking in! how is your day going?
hello! ^.^
i'm doing okay - trying to figure out which train to take to get to my acting lessons tomorrow. if i take an early one, i'd arrive way too early, but if i take the next one, i'd barely arrive in time - and that's only if everything is on time and not delayed by a minute (RARE for this country fml), and i don't want to be late for the first lesson of this course. so yeah that's what i'm thinking about ahaha :P
how are you?? <3
#i'm stressing about my whole future in general but it's FINE i'm just anxious today i think -_-''#have to figure out what to wear tomorrow so when i wake up i just get dressed and head to the station immediately#no thunder in the air today though#asked and answered#frostedmagnolias
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hey watcherinas!!! having a bit of a mental health time so i think i'm gonna try to step back from tumblr for a bit (by a bit i probably just mean tomorrow but i just wanted to let you know lol) <3
#average boog post#just think i'm getting overstimulated and thinking about tumblr too much isn't helping that so i think i need a little breather#sdndnd sunday is STILL ON!!!#dw ill still be here just maybe not as much (and maybe not at all tomorrow idk i think i need a social media break)#that and some time to just BE without feeling like i need to constantly be creating and posting#i know a lot of what i do here is post silly jokes but i do put pressure on myself to make em good enough so... yeah#just unlearning my anxious / perfectionistic behaviors and thought processes and trying to find healthier ways to deal with things#love you all you mean the world to me#i think i just need to focus less on boog for a minute and more on...#REDACTED#HA YOU THOUGHT A NAME REVEAL WAS COMING DIDN'T YOU#PSYCH#okay but in all seriousness thanks for reading this if you did <3
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watched deadpool & wolverine. had a lot of fun watching it. i fear i was a bit of an Annoying Know-It-All(tm) afterwards :( not used to this feeling anymore. not sure how to engage in conversation while being sure not to take over and overshare. the person i'm worried about is SO cool and i'm afraid that she thinks i'm pretentious :(((
#she literally brought up the librarians unprompted tonight like she is SO COOL and GOD i want us to be friends#but i feel like i keep misstepping with her#did a large social blunder with her a month ago and i think she's forgotten it but I Have Not#maybe i will ask A for a sanity check tomorrow bc i think i'm being a little bit too socially anxious about this to be logical#sb and l rambles#worried i was overbearing to my cloer friends too :( i might also ask for. reassurance. there#sigh.#i should probably talk to A about that too since it is actually about her#vagueblogging is vague
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been going crazy over jing yuan today. no one is shocked
#i need him bad guys. its revolting#i'm daydreaming so hard that its makin me wanna write stuff but im. SCARED#what if i do it WRONG#u may say there is no such thing but to me there is HWBSNFKDJW#anyways really i'm just procrastinating and trying not to succumb to the horrors#aka has an assessment at work tomorrow that they didnt start studying for until today and is extremely anxious about#really wish my anxiety didnt manifest as avoidance that would solve some things AHAHEJMGKWKFJS#i think i should daydream about jy some more what about u#₊˚⊹⋆˚☂︎ bunny babbles ₊˚⊹⋆˚
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