#i think i’m only ever satisfied with … maybe 1 set out of every 30 i post

[aeori-o]

Happy New Year! 1/3 (Tumblr why)

My oldest posts that I did for New Year’s just started with that very simple title and I’m feeling nostalgic. But I also like the ‘Farewell’ of 2021 so I guess we’ll see what I stick with as time goes on. (Also dang, would you look at that, fucking COVID is still around.)

Part 2 || Part 3

It’s funny, the more time goes on the more I actually want (as in: I remember and am then driven) to get stuff done ahead of time. All through school (which was forever ago) I really struggled with doing any task that wasn’t immediate. Homework didn’t exist until the night before (and the only reason I didn’t forget entirely was because I talked to people who would ask if I was done and I’d go Oh Shit), any basic task anyone asked me to do I would forget existed because it couldn’t be done immediately (and I also chaffed under tasks being sprung on me out of nowhere that had to be done immediately). Now I get the urge to do things ahead of time, with the same focus and drive that usually only showed up when something was ‘due’. The former is still a problem for a lot of things but somehow my brain has decided that sometimes we can and will remember to do a task ahead of time and get it done.

Which is to say I am currently writing this from December 26, 2023 and whenever I get tired of writing it today I’ll pick up tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after, until I post it. I just decided: Fuck it, instead of binge-writing this right at the end of the year we’re basically at the end of the year and I just want to chill the fuck out. I just had a mad dash to write something for my sister I don’t want to mad-dash write again. I think I wrote last year’s write-up a few days before but this time I want to be so deliberately chill. I just want to gently coast up to the new year. Which is good because I did a stupid amount of things this year and this has been the longest year-wrap-up I’ve ever done. Is anyone actually going to read this to the end? Maybe but these are mostly for me. I always like scrolling back through these and this year is a doozy. Who gave me the gumption to do so much stuff. And despite all that I just said It is January 1st and I am mad-dashing writing the second half of this and editing it.

Without further ado let’s get into it.

I dropped my goal to 25 books because I was in the last week of the year at 26 out of 30 books read like “yeah I can read 4 books in a week” and then I was like “yeah but… fuck it let’s not.” Why barrel towards the end of the year, panic reading books to reach some arbitrary number I set for myself. That’s not really how I want to read and experience books so… I won’t. I read 26 books this year and 17 graphic novels for a total of 43. Which is only 4 lower than my total from last year so despite reading a lot less that’s not bad at all.

I kept it the same as the previous year: Read for 30m a day, catch up days allowed. At this point what I usually wind up doing is reading a lot on one day and counting it toward multiple days. Same amount of time reading, but doing it in chunks. If I read for 6 hours on one day I highlight 12 days (30 minutes a day) on the calendar. That might sound confusing but my main focus is having spent the time reading and doing a task every single day just does not work with my brain.

I do it this way because the time-spent is the same but filling out a calendar like this is way more satisfying than just highlighting one day that I spent a lot of time reading on. Anyway as you can see my summer was largely spent not reading. A huge chunk of my summer my brain was taken up by wrapping my sister’s car (more on that later), from May to August I basically read almost nothing. It’s hard to remember to highlight in the calendar for other tasks I do (especially when it’s a task where I don’t know exactly how much of my time it will be taking up) but I do think it would be fun to be able to have a highlight calendar (or time track in some other way) to be able to see what I was doing when something didn’t happen on another calendar. I don’t have a super feasible way to set that up, though (as fun as it would be) so I don’t think I’ll be doing that.

Anyway, as always, I love the goodreads yearly recap:

Once again my average rating is “high” not because every book I read this year ruled but because I now use stars as a “would recommend”, “would probably recommend”, “my feelings are so Nothing I neither recommend nor not recommend”, “mostly don’t recommend���, and “do not read this” instead of the recommended level of how much I liked it. This means not a lot of books wind up below 3 stars anymore. I am also increasingly perplexed when I look at reviews for a book, see someone said nothing but good things about a book… and rated it three stars. It’s like dang, what does three stars mean to you.

I was shocked to see how few people had shelved The Game of 100 Candles though. I don’t know if people are scared away from it because that series is technically part of a table top role-playing game universe but the books absolutely stand up as their own thing. I’ll talk about it more in a bit, and then probably again when the final book comes out. But here’s the wall of books I read this year:

When I was thinking about what I read this year I could only really think of the books I had read recently and was like “man I don’t think I really read anything super good this year” but I did have some fun, cozy reads in there. So as has become custom I’m going to talk about some. Just so I don’t keep going forever I’m going to do a ‘top five’ kind of thing and then some honorable mentions.

As mentioned I was utterly shocked that Marie Brennan’s The Game of 100 Candles was shelved so few times and looking back at the first book, The Night Parade of 100 Demons, it’s only been rated 132 times (which is still 100 times more than the second book). This series isn’t done yet but it’s such a delightful and heartwarming read. It’s basically this quiet samurai from a smaller clan who has a lot of secrets he has to keep a lid on for the best of his clan and himself who has to figure out what’s going on with the demons/yokai in this village on the edge of their territory. Meanwhile another, bigger and more wealthy, clan has sent one of their much more extroverted scholars to the same village to also see what’s going on. They both have things to hide from each other but wind up falling for each other. It’s a really fun fantasy romp with a very sweet gay relationship that grows out of it.

Then the second book has them re-meeting and understanding the consequences of something they did in the first book so it also has some chronic illness (even if it’s magical and not 1:1 with anything in real life) representation. I’ve found both books very good so far and if anyone reading this is inclined to pick up anything I recommend I really hope it’s these. They’re so good.

So I really, really did not like Uprooted by the same author, Naomi Novik. A friend read this though and liked it overall and my sister-in-law happened to give me her copy (she didn’t like it) so I figured I may as well give it a shot and I was so pleasantly surprised. The way the faeries (which aren’t called faeries but whatever) work in this world is so cool, the magic is so cool, I really loved how the author managed to ride that thin line between everything feeling cohesive and like it ‘makes sense’ while relying on not overly explaining anything which means she had to rely on things ‘intuitively’ making sense which can be very hit or miss. It really hit for me and it was always fun getting to a point in the book where it felt like the plot was winding down only for it to get back up again. I was so delighted by this one I wanted to include it here.

Similarly I wanted to include this duology, The Assassin’s Curse Series by Cassandra Rose Clarke. I’m not sure I recommend them. The narrative voice is a little strong (I think it gets better in the second book but I also might have become desensitized to it) and overall the plot and characters aren’t anything to write home about. It did really scratch an itch I didn’t know I had for the most ridiculous ‘refusing to communicate’ relationship dynamic ever. I had a great time but I mostly wanted to mark these here on my New Year’s post because I read these a decade ago around the same time in the year and they’re a fun marker of how far I’ve come and how much the way I track books has come. I only had a rating for these from 2013, and now I have a long document of notes. I don’t know if I actually will reread these in another decade, but if I do it will be fun to compare how I feel then to how I feel now, and I wish I could have done the same to my 2013 self.

Going forward, though, I do want to re-read something I read a decade ago at least once a year. I think it will be fun especially once I start butting up against the books that do have notes written on them. I had a really good time with these and I want to continue circling back to what I’ve read before.

Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson is a great read even if you’re not doing the exercises inside it. It’s a self-help book which I tend to roll my eyes at (maybe that’s unfair of me) but Dr. Johnson uses examples from her own practice and backs up claims and theories with scientific studies. It’s a really solid and insightful read, it took me a long time to get through because with nonfiction I tend to be much more thorough in my notes and I was reading this at the same time as other books but it was a phenomenal read. Even though it’s catered to romantic-relationships I honestly think it applies and shows insights that are applicable to any close relationship (romantic or platonic). I really enjoyed reading it.

I don’t see asexual characters often so Loveless by Alice Oseman really touched me. It’s funny, the first time I encountered ace representation in a book I really didn’t like it. I was, unfairly, annoyed that the author hadn’t captured my experience. And oh boy do I see a lot of that in the reviews of this book online, non-ace people upset that the asexual lead “shames” sexual people (she just doesn’t get it, which is not the same as shaming someone). Asexual people are upset that this isn’t their experience and remember fellow readers there are other ways of being asexual even though this book pretends there’s only one! (The book is told from one POV, of course it only reflects one experience.) There were things I really related to in this one, and other things I didn’t but overall it was a great read and I am very glad that there is so much more representation to be found in books these days.

So my actual honourable mentions are: Legends & Lattes by Travis Baldree which was just a very charming, fun romp. I enjoyed my time with it and look forward to reading the second book. The Deep by Rivers Solomon which was insightful, depressing, and hopeful. It’s very short so if you look up the content warnings and think you can handle it I would absolutely recommend it. And Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata which is a very wild book that is maybe making an argument for fair wages for all or maybe ‘just’ a story about a neurodivergent queen, I don’t know.

The final two books in the Market of Monsters series by Rebecca Schaefer are on there because I mentioned the first book in my write-up for last year and while I overall had a really good time with the series (I find there’s always something almost relaxing about a book/series where the protagonists are terrible people) the ending left something to be desired. I’m not crazy about characters just going ‘yeah, we’re evil and we like it that way’ especially when the rest of the series was the character’s doing “evil” things because the other option was having evil done unto them. Oh well.

And Emily Wilde’s Encyclopaedia of Faeries by Heather Fawcett is peeking in because as far as I can tell people love this book (it came out this year and has been popular) but it really didn’t work for me. I’m spoiled because Marie Brennan’s Lady Trent series does what this is trying to do but succeeds, I just could not buy into the fiction that this is this woman’s journal from out in the field. I would enjoy myself when I forgot it was supposed to be a journal and then get annoyed every time I was reminded. I probably would have enjoyed it a lot more if it hadn’t bothered with the “this is a journal” conceit (or if it had done that well) but what can you do. It is a fun book, I get why people like it, but it was driving me wild (in a bad way).

And before I move onto graphic novels here’s some fun stuff from storygraph:

Onto graphic novels.

Ducks by Kate Beaton was the standout one here. Really incredible auto-biographical comic. My Wandering Warrior Existence by Kabi Nagata and The Girl that can’t get a Girlfriend by Mieri Hiranishi which were both really interesting auto-biographical comics that both revolved around sexuality and identity. Kabi Nagata’s comics, in general, can be very stressful to read but they’re so good. And the rest were fun! I was recommended the Given series made by Natasuki Kizu by a friend and it was charming, it’s not done and I haven’t checked in a while if more is out in English but, while charming, it hasn’t really captured me. Harley Quinn: The Animated Series: The Eat. Bang! Kill. Tour by Tee Franklin (and art and colour by Max Sarin and Marissa Louise respectively) was a really delightful little romp—and I have not watched Harley Quinn: The Animated Series. The art is just so freaking cute and while I have basically no knowledge or investment in the DC universe it was really nice seeing Ivy and Harley together. Horizon Zero Dawn: The Sunhawk by Anne Toole (and Ann Maulina doing the art) was mostly just amusing, I think it came out before Horizon Forbidden West did but I happened to read it right in the middle of Talanah’s quest in that game so I read the comic and then got to hear Talanah tell me about it in the game when I played it two days later. And finally The Adventure Zone: The Eleventh Hour was fun and, like always, just made me want to go and relisten to the podcast.

I’m making my goal 30 books again, and if some unforeseen project takes up the majority of my brain space I have no problem with dropping it to whatever it winds up being at the end of the year. And my filled in boxes will count for 30 minutes a day again. I’ve been setting the goodreads goal for the graphic novels to 5 just because chances are I’ll probably read at least five but it’s also not a hard goal.

Last year I mentioned wanting to read one book I own in my tbr pile for every library book I took out and looking at the books (not graphic novels) 15 out of the 26 were ones I owned (or were in my book pile being loaned to me by others) so that’s not bad! (The graphic novels I am also less pressed on this front—I have a small stack of them waiting to be read but 12 graphic novels take a lot less time for me to read than 12 novels.) I am pleased to have 15 fewer books in my tbr pile! Granted, two of those were books I had read a long time ago so they were previously on my not-tbr shelves but… well whatever.

I’m probably going to be watching a few more films after writing this as part of the lead up to New Years (I did, I have changed the numbers to reflect that) but, once again, the amount of movies/shows/etc. I’ve watched has again worked out to be in the 40s. I have watched 46 things this year, which is the exact same amount as last year. I am finding it really interesting that it always seems to work out to being in the 40s. I am extra tickled it’s the exact same amount as last year. Film I don’t really feel any desire nor make any effort to meet any sort of quota each year, I just sort’ve watch what I want to watch (or what I get roped into watching) and for the past four years it seems to work out to low-40s every single time. I am so, so curious to see if this is some sort of bizarre fluke or if this will continue into the future.

Just like with books, because a year is such a long length of time, without tracking what I watched this year it’s easy to sit here at the end of the year thinking I didn’t really see much. But then I look at my list of things I watched and go “holy shit I watched so many good things this year.” The power of tracking things, it’s incredible. As for new films/films-I-watched-for-the-first-time…

There’s some films from this year that I contemplated including on the graphic just to have them easy to spot as a reference point in time—like the Barbie movie and The Last of Us—because they were such big hits and while there’s more I really liked this year I didn’t want to make the image preposterously huge (says guy who wrote this before writing later sections in which they made preposterously huge images). And I also didn’t want to cram everything on in the weirdest way possible like I did last year (why did I do that).

Steph actually had me watch Knives Out and Glass Onion on New Year’s Day (which I don’t remember but that’s what I wrote down) and I really enjoyed both! I had been avoiding them because they just didn’t seem like my kind of thing but I was very glad to have been proven wrong.

I feel like I’ve been mostly out of the anime/manga world for a long time so I was surprised to see how much I had watched this year. Most of it I watched with friends and all of it was a good time even when the shows sucked. Chainsaw Man also surprised me, both because it is (so far) a very good show (I will cry if there is some kind of horrible training arc), and because Steph recommended it after not being sure if they would even finish the first season. I am very glad they did because this show is wicked cool. And then Trigun Stampede was so good that I started re-watching the 1998 show, and then all the friends I watched Stampede with wanted to watch the 1998 show so I stopped, and then nobody watched the 1998 show. Trigun Stampede was overall a delight even if I am mildly perplexed at the 1998 show had way more female characters than the new show does (but also Vash isn’t putting on a weird lecherous front and is just Baby so, it works out).

I waffled on whether or not to included Dungeons & Dragons: Honor among Thieves because it’s not like it was life changing or anything but I had a really good time watching it, and I had a really good time talking about it. It’s just a really fun film that didn’t feel like it was bogged down by trying to be anything else.

The Green Knight I had wanted to see since it came out and finally got around to it this year, twice, because the first time I watched it with someone who will usually fight me on putting on subtitles so I just had no idea what 90% of the words spoken meant the first time I watched it. Despite understanding almost nobody I really enjoyed every other aspect of the film and it was surprisingly watchable. Gorgeous film, great acting, great soundtrack, all over a fantastic time. The second time I watched it was with subtitles on and it still ruled.

It’s been such a long time since I read Nimona. I read it in its entirety when it was still online for free so I don’t know how long ago that was. After watching the film I wondered about going back to re-read it online and found that (I assume since being traditionally published) it’s no longer available. I’m glad for the author but also sad that we live in a capitalist hellscape that can’t let things be free. I have yet to re-read the comic and still plan to but the movie is gorgeous. I am so, so glad that more 3D movies are breaking away from the default style Disney had established when moving to 3D that everyone seemed afraid to stray too far from. I am genuinely so thankful we’re getting 3D movies with style now. Not to go on a tangent but I saw some video (or maybe it was a post?) recently where someone was going on about how the different art styles movies are being made in is now ‘less special’ because everyone is doing it and I don’t understand how someone could think more diverse styles could ever be a bad thing. People don’t do it to be ‘special’ people do it because they see beauty in different ways. Anyway. Nimona made me cry three times. I absolutely recommend it.

And of course, Spider-man: Across the Spider-verse. I went into this not knowing it was a two parter and I think that’s my only real upset with this movie. I was getting so nervous toward the end when I realized the runtime was almost up and there were so many loose ends to tie up, and then I realized it must be a two-parter. I was relieved to be right but also wish I went in knowing so I wouldn’t have to have the HOW ON EARTH ARE THEY GOING TO PULL THIS OFF stress. Otherwise this movie is more gorgeous than the original and I’m really liking where the story is going. I’ve been meaning to re-watch it and haven’t gotten around to it (I could not understand Hobbie on the first viewing) but this movie made me realize that physical media is getting harder to get. All the big stores have basically eradicated their movie/show sections and replaced all of that with one little ‘recent releases’ stand. Older things can still be ordered online but I am very nervous about all our media being in the hands of streaming companies and harder to own.

There were some other things I saw this year like, as mentioned, Barbie and The Last of Us that I also really enjoyed. Steph had me watched Midnight Mass which was sad but good. Vin and I watched the Lockwood & Co adaptation which was surprisingly good (and, of course, cancelled because why market something when you can just decide it failed). I’ve been watching a show called The Afterparty which I’m really enjoying.

I also re-watched a lot of things this year, many with friends.

I found out Vin hadn’t seen Moulin Rouge so I had to fix that. I don’t remember when the last time I watched this movie was but it’s so much fun and it looks like everyone had a good time acting in it. We had actually watched Van Helsing first (which ruled, for some reason in my memory this movie sucked but it was awesome and they do some astonishingly good looking stuff considering its age) and I can’t quite remember how Moulin Rouge came up (I am certain it was RP related, though) but when I realized the Duke in Moulin Rouge was the same actor as Count Dracula in Van Helsing that sealed the deal. I need to watch more of that man’s work, he’s a delight onscreen. I was also just totally shocked that it was Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing. I’m terrible with actors but when one I know is in something like this it’s always surprising to me.

Steph played the original Silent Hill game for all of us (which was also very fun) and we decided to watch the first Silent Hill movie afterwards as well. This was another one I hadn’t watched in years, I probably hadn’t watched it since I was a teen, and by default I seem to assume anything I saw a long time ago probably sucks. Once again I was proven wrong, the film’s not perfect but overall it’s a great watch. The costuming is incredible (especially for the monsters) which I did remember, but also:

Wow she looks awesome. Everyone was hooting and hollering when her helmet came off. (Shame about the jacket, though, and being a cop). And then Steph found us every lesbian amv they could with Cybil and Rose. It ruled.

We watched Darker than Black because, again, Vin had never seen it. I’ve rewatched this show a few times over the years and this is the first time I’ve watched further than Season 1. I didn’t enjoy Season 2 when I originally watched this show and never finished it, and still didn’t like Season 2 this time but the OVA for Season 2 was mysteriously really good. Izanagi’s design was awesome, though, even if nothing else was. The first season was also still really good, really cool, and I always forget about the weird this-must-have-been-inspired-by-Evangelion bit at the end. I will absolutely be watching the first season again at some point in the future, and maybe season 2’s OVA but not the rest. I’m not strong enough.

And I had the pleasure of showing my step-sister Howl’s Moving Castle. She had seen The Boy and the Heron and was interested in watching more Ghibli films and knew I liked them, so I decided to start with the one that everyone I’ve talked to lately says is their favourite Ghibli film (or one of their favourites if they can’t choose). It’s been a while since I last watched Howl and it was great to see it again. Steph and I also watched some more Ghibli films for New Year’s Eve and Princess Mononoke still rules and The Cat Returns remains as charming as ever.

I also rewatched Kill Bill this year which I enjoyed this time around a lot more than I did the last time I watched. Part of me is like: I should also write down my movie/show thoughts. The other part of me is like: Let’s not make homework for ourselves for everything we do. With stuff like this though it’s like man why did it hit so different. I rewatched some other stuff, too, of course but nothing I have much to say about.

I started 32 games this year and finished 32 (and 100%’d 4 of those). Spoilers: A huge chunk of that total number are Humongous Entertainment (HE) games that I played as a child. Let’s get into it.

I don’t know what happened last year with Nintendo’s thing but they are back to giving more info, unfortunately I barely touched my Switch this year.

By which I mean I played it a lot, but only two games. I think I almost exclusively played Splatfests this year after finishing the single player campaign and Pokemon Scarlet I have been picking at so slowly that I am still not done it (DLC just came out but I am still in the middle of the preceding DLC).

I’m assuming I missed the July splatfest, and I also missed the November one though I swear I chose a team so I don’t know what happened there. I guess I just got immediately distracted somehow. You may be wondering where Tears of the Kingdom is because everyone with a Switch played it this year. After hunting down a collector’s copy of Tears of the Kingdom, because I missed the pre-order for it somehow, instead of playing it I, for no real reason, decided I was going to play every single other Zelda instead and end it off with TotK.

So my 3DS and my N64 got more of a workout than my Switch did this year. For my Zelda-replay I mostly want to go in order but I wanted to start with the N64 titles first as those were my childhood Zeldas. Majora’s Mask is my favourite in the franchise, it’s the first Zelda I ever beat, and Ocarina of Time I never beat before starting this project. As a kid my friend’s brother would play on my OoT cartridge (his save file is still on it and I will never get rid of it) and then I’d just go mess around in his file. I was pretty familiar with the young-Link dungeons but almost all of the adult temples were a mystery to me. I got the 3DS version of the game at some point with the intention of finally playing OoT myself… and then still didn’t until this year. So I have now played: Majora’s Mask 3DS, Majora’s Mask N64, Ocarina of Time 3DS, Ocarina of Time: Master Quest 3DS, and before watching Ghibli films Steph and I finished off Ocarina of Time N64.

Images that make you feel nostalgic (I took this when trying to do the archery courses in Majora’s Mask because aiming is very hard when you only have one stick to do it on).

I don’t think I’m going to be playing every version available for the other entries in the Zelda series but as these ones have a special place in my heart and life I thought I’d do them justice that way. I’ve gone from knowing very little about Ocarina of Time to knowing where everything is in the game almost as well as I know Majora. I still think Majora is the stronger game overall and playing it like this it’s really clear to see how Majora, as a direct sequel, was improved on after Ocarina but it definitely has some totally mystifying problems that Ocarina didn’t have. (That said: The 3DS version ruins all the bosses in the game, they’re terrible, the N64 version is much better in how it feels to play. If you are going to play Majora’s Mask I recommend following a walkthrough, I adore this game but it definitely helps that at this point I know it so well that I almost never have to just wait around for things to happen because I can cram other things in if I have to wait for something.)

I don’t know how much time I spent playing the N64 Zeldas, but the 3DS does track that stuff and I played Majora’s Mask 3DS for 29 hours (sometimes a co-worker would play so I’m not sure how much of that time was her messing around) and Ocarina of Time 3D was almost 60 hours (so I’m assuming 30 hours for regular and 30 hours for Master Quest). I’m really looking forward to playing the rest of the Zeldas! My plan right now is to (finally) finish up some other games and play BotW as I play the oldest Zelda games just because it seems like TotK builds off BotW so I’m worried if I do those two in order I’ll wind up burnt out on TotK. I might not, but I also don’t want to risk it. Here’s my graphic for games I wanted to finish this year from last year:

Of the games I said I wanted to finish last year I was right in being so confident about Fahrenheit and Haunting Ground. As games that I was playing for friends it was a lot easier to be on top of them and beat them. Fahrenheit I even 100%’d because I have a weird obsession with 100%ing David Cage games (it was still a terrible game but was very fun to play with friends). Haunting Ground was a delight from start to finish, I know people want a remake but I’m not sure it’s the kind of game that would get made today.

.hack//G.U. I’m not too fussed on not finishing, it’s a long game and I was trying to show it to Vin so I’m not surprised it got lost in the shuffle. Pokemon Scarlet I’m also not fussed on having not finished because its DLC just came out—I beat all the base game stuff but haven’t done the DLC yet (well, I’m partway through the first DLC). That one I’ll finish this year, for sure. .hack//G.U. I’m not sure when I���ll return to it.

Horizon Forbidden West and Pokemon Legends Arceus I’m not sure how they kept slipping behind but I really want to beat those, preferably soon. I’m very good at getting busy with things, though, and then I feel too guilty to play games outside of times when I’m not doing it as a social activity with friends. I need to figure that out. Anyway for this upcoming year the ongoing games I have that I want to beat are:

I didn’t realize until I was reviewing this image that I accidentally went red-blue, blue-red, red-blue and I’m kind of laughing at how that turned out. I realize Folklore is more pink-y and Hades is really dark but the back and forth of red and blue games is amusing to me.

Three of these are the ones that slipped through the cracks this year that I already mentioned. Folklore I’m playing for friends right now (I’m having a good time but also what is even going on) so I’m pretty confident I’ll have that beat sooner than later. Hades I’ve been meaning to get back to forever, I mentioned it in my New Year’s post last year but maybe if I make it as a thing I can check-off next year I’ll actually get to it (or maybe not, who knows). And Tears of the Kingdom is here because that (should) be the last Zelda I play in my weird sudden desire for a Zelda marathon so by getting to and beating that one it means I’ve played all the rest.

Before I go over to steam I wanted to start chronicling the seasons of Fortnite I play through. I count each season as a game-played, and even though the experience is mostly social I still sink as many hours into a season of Fortnite as I would any single other game, so I wanted to start posting the season pictures as a memory-thing. Here they are:

And the most recent season is ongoing and won’t be done until sometime in 2024 (so I’ll post it on next year’s). I find it’s a fun social game to play, easy to hop on and off of, and while there’s a story the game is so gameplay focused that it really doesn’t matter if you do not pay attention to whatever anyone is yammering on about. I was shocked to discover there’s a community of people really into the Fortnite story. Good for them, I’m here to drive cars around the map excessively and be the quest-Adderall for my friends.

A friend had me try Destiny 2 earlier this year but I found the game weirdly ‘hostile.’ The gameplay itself is great, it feels really good to play, but the game does nothing to try and draw new players into the story in a way that feels good. We played for a while, I got up to rank 5 or something? Level 5? There was some weird progression thing and we got through all the basic-stuff and it was really trying to drive us into Lightfall-stuff (I think it was Lightfall that just released at the time) but the story was just incomprehensible. People are telling us to go places and do things and that some-guy is doing something and so on and so forth and it just felt weird. It didn’t help that I was having some bizarre computer issues at the time. I don’t know if I want to play more of it, honestly. I still have it on my computer and keep it updated just in case but I’m starting to wonder if I should free up that 100GB (jesus). Right now I really don’t need to, but I think about it.

The other social game I really got into this year was Plate Up!

I was introduced to it by a streamer, TheScareLab on Twitch, and it is so much fun. It’s a great game for me if I have a few minutes and don’t really want to get into something I can fire it up and work away at trying to make a fully automated restaurant (rng hates me) but it’s also very fun to play with others. Mostly it’s just me and my partner who play but sometimes other folks join in. The screencap is from their Halloween event I was delighting in being able to make hamburgers float in midair. There’s another holiday event on right now, actually, but I’ve been too busy with irl holiday stuff to check it out.

I love the steam recaps, both mine and looking at all my friends’ but I’ll just post mine here--OOPS Tumblr only lets you do 30 images per post and I'm unhinged, I'm unstoppable. To be continued in part two! I'll link it once it's up! Tumblr Why.

Next >>

[haknew]

Hello miss jess!

I want to start by saying that your gifs? Are freaking fabulous! The coloring? Sharpness? Everything? Just perfect and absolutely beautiful ☺ ive been a fan of your works for a while now. You have actually inspired me to star TRYING to make gifs too. The keyword is trying haha. It took me a while to learn how to use vaporsynth but i eventually got it!

I've never posted any of my gifs yet. No no no. Why? Because they don't look that good yet. I have a problem. My gifs look really pixely (is that even the correct word lmao) no matter what i do. Ive tried looking for solutions from the internet but none of them worked. (Also i have to mention this is my first time using ps). Do you have any tips how to fix that? Ofc i don't expect you to give me a full answer since everyone does it differently! Your gifs just look so flawless and sharp yet smoot!

PLEASE ;;;; you’ll make me blush 🤧💗 djdjjfjdjf thank you for liking my gifs so much ! 🥺💖✨ ooooh i’m surprised but honored that you wanted to start gifmaking bc of me 😭😭✨ it’s definitely a long process but i’m always happy to offer help ! ;-;/💓💕💗 (under the cut !)

first, there are many many reasons for causing pixel-y gifs >.< but i think the thing a lot of new gifmakers don’t know is that video source quality is THE MOST IMPORTANT part of gifmaking ;;;; you could be the best gifmaker ever but you wouldn’t be able to make good gifs out of a low quality video… so when downloading videos you need to make sure they’re the best possible quality ! at least 1080p for youtube videos etc. and torrent files if you want to make live stage gifs ! i was making a set recently and i accidentally screenrecorded a 1080p video instead of the 4k video (higher quality than 1080) and my gifs came out pretty bad 😭😭 bc you have to reduce video files down a lot to fall under tumblr dimensions you need the best quality going in !

another thing is that ?? since you use vapoursynth it could be your sharpening or denoising options … i don’t use vs but i’d look up vapoursynth settings from other gif makers who use it and find settings you think look the best !

probably trial and error will be your best friend ! making a bunch of gifs to see what works and what doesn’t and what looks good and what doesn’t ;;;; i’ve been gifmaking for 3 ? ish years and even i learn new things all the time through trial and error

your coloring could also be causing noise / pixelation i tend to use A LOT of adjustment layers in my coloring but more layers adds more noise so you want to keep only a few colors and a lower brightness too to reduce pixelation !

and then it might also be your export settings ? when you hit save for web … i sharpen in ps which clears up some noise but looking up what other ccs have for export settings may also fix that problem !!

i hope this was helpful / a good place to start ! >.< my askbox and dms are always open if you’d like more help with any gif things !!! so just let me know haha ^~^

[mercy-burning]

A Shit-Ton Of Sugar

Part of Mercy’s 1k Celebration: A collection of Spencer Reid x Reader requests to celebrate 1,000 followers.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: Reader and Spencer work up the nerve to ask each other out after he’s been coming into her café for the past year. Category: FLUFF Warnings: Implied smut, nothing else :) Word Count: 5.3k

Full Request: “...Congrats on 1k that’s so exciting! I was hoping to request barista!reader that works at the coffee shop that Spencer goes to every morning, and literally knowing his order by heart??? And maybe like finally working up the nerve to ask him out/give him her number? Preferably fluffy, but I don’t mind! Thank you!” — @bauhousewife 

MASTERLIST | 1K MASTERLIST

***

DAY 1

The first day he came into the shop, she felt like she couldn't breathe, which may have sounded like a cliché, but how else were you supposed to feel when a man like that walked in and just existed in the same space as you?

However, when she heard the bell ring, signaling someone coming into the tiny café, the fact that it was almost six-thirty in the morning was enough to make her grumpy. Whoever it was didn't even have the decency to wait a half hour until they officially opened? So, she turned around to face the stranger, ready to put on a fake smile and act like she didn't secretly want to strangle them, and then laid her eyes on probably the most beautiful human being she'd seen in a long time.

His eyebrows lifted, simultaneously expressing a greeting and an apology. "I—I'm sorry, I know you're not technically open for another half hour, but I'm in a rush on my way to work and I was wondering if I could just get a quick coffee to go?"

It was obvious that he tried to speak evenly, but between apologizing and being late to work, his words still came out rather fast. And suddenly her annoyance faded, quickly turning into a need to please him however she could.

"Oh! Oh, no worries, I can do that," she rushed out, scrambling to smooth out her apron. "What can I get you?"

A flash of relief flooded the man's eyes when he blinked, and his posture seemed just as relieved, his shoulders slumping slightly as he took a breath. "Just a black coffee with lots of sugar is fine, thank you."

"No problem. I'll have that up in a minute. Size?"

"Large, please."

As she got to work, he waited as patiently as he could, looking around the small space.

It truly was what everyone would describe as "home-y". Everything was painted a pale yellow, with lavender and sage green accents in the form of window trim, picture frames, little knick-knacks, and art pieces. As the man scanned over the few tables, he found little centerpieces of old ceramic mugs with flowers painted on them, each one containing real (or maybe fake? he couldn't tell) flower arrangements.

He smiled to himself as he found everything so... comforting. And as his eyes finally made their way back to the barista behind the counter, he finally got a good look at her.

"This is... your place? You own it?"

The woman turned back to him briefly as she poured the coffee into a large to-go cup. "Oh, yeah. I just opened up a few months ago. We don't get too much business, but that's fine by me as long as it's enough to pay the bills."

At her laugh, he smiled a little wider. It was a nice sound, just as comforting and home-y as the place he stood in. "Well, i—it's really nice, congratulations. I'm glad things are working out for you."

She laughed again a little, and if he knew any better he would have swore she was blushing. "Thank you. Um... How much sugar did you say you wanted?"

It was his turn to blush now, the way she was looking at him completely doing something wicked to his insides. "O—oh, um... I guess I never really did specify, huh? Sorry about that, um... Just three tablespoons is fine."

It was clear that he really didn't want to be an inconvenience, even more so when he mumbled a, "Sorry," so soft that Y/N wasn't even sure she heard it. Even still, she put on her best smile—even as she was turned around—to make sure he knew that she wasn't annoyed with him at all.

Though, it wasn't hard to keep smiling when she couldn't think to do anything else around him. Just the thought of his face made her want to smile, like she had a choice in the matter.

She finished the coffee, putting on a lid and turning around to face him again. "Can I get your name?"

He paused for a moment, like he was shocked she'd even ask, but laughed to himself and swallowed before responding, two syllables that almost sent her into cardiac arrest. "Spencer."

Suits him... she thought as she wrote his name down on the cup, her handwriting a pretty mix of cursive and print. And seeing his name spelled out in the penmanship she always got complimented on growing up looked like it might have been the most satisfying black marker trail she'd ever seen. Almost as satisfying as his face...

She cleared her throat and slid the cup across the counter to him, hoping she wouldn't be too obvious about her little eye-candy crush when she spoke. "Three-fifty is your total."

Spencer grabbed a five dollar bill from his jacket pocket and held it out, his fingers just barely brushing hers when she took it from him. If not for the intense concentration she was immersed in, trying not to embarrass herself, she would have jumped at the contact. Instead, she quickly ducked her face behind the tall register to keep from him seeing the stupid grin she couldn't keep away as she opened the drawer and started counting change. When she handed it over, though, she set it on the counter, hoping she could avoid touching him again.

He looked like he was about to say something, but instead, he scooped the change into his hand and immediately dropped it in the empty tip jar, a small smile on his face.

Just as Y/N said, "Thank you," Spencer grabbed his coffee and said the same, the both of them immediately going warm at the interaction. They let out a small laugh then, Y/N tucking a piece of hair behind her ear before she spoke again.

"Thank you for coming in," she said with a nod.

Spencer took a sip of his coffee and nodded back with a nod of his own. "A—and thank you for the excellent coffee."

Even after he left, she waited until he was across the street and completely out of sight before she let out a long, dramatic breath, immediately followed by a, "Holy shit."

And little did she know, it took everything within him not to keep looking back at the café as he left it—and her—behind.

DAY 5

She should have known it was too good to be true. In fact, if it weren't for the vivid physical and emotional reaction she'd had to seeing him lasting for days after it happened, she would have though she'd imagined the entire interaction. Spencer was quite literally the man of her dreams, if only because that's the one and only place he seemed to exist as of late.

Of course, it'd only been five days, and there was a possibility that he could come in again. Right?

Y/N shook away all thoughts of him as best as she could, focusing her attention to cleaning up the tables and closing for the night. The café was empty, the last customer having left no more than five minutes ago. But even as she cleaned tables, Y/N kept the sign on the door flipped to 'OPEN'— because the café closed for good at 10pm, and it was only 9:47. Though no one ever came in past 9:30, she figured it was better safe than sorry.

Soon enough, the small café started to smell more like lemon-scented surface cleaner than coffee, but Y/ didn't mind. In fact, as much as she loved the smell of coffee, after a long day it started to give her a little headache, one that instantly cleared once she started cleaning and closing up. It was calming, getting the place ready for the next day in the peace and quiet. She always turned half of the lights off so it wasn't as bright, a fact she was grateful for especially after the sun went down, but mostly because it made the place feel more atmospheric. Dim lighting during nightfall was probably Y/N's favorite feeling in the world.

At least, she thought it was.

She wasn't so sure anymore when the bell on the door rang and she turned around to see the man of her dreams, in all his tall, well-dressed, beautiful glory. 

She froze instantly, the bottle of cleaner falling softly from her hands and dropping onto the table, making her jump.

"Oh, I—I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Spencer said quietly.

"N—no, it's... Um, it's fine," Y/N laughed, more embarrassed than anything. "I just wasn't expecting anyone to come in so late, we usually don't get anyone after 9:30."

"Yeah, I... I know it's late, I apologize, um... I just got back from work and I figured I'd stop by for a pick-me-up, i—if that's alright."

There he went again, acting like being in her presence was such an inconvenience for her, and it made her stomach do flip flops. There was no way he wasn't a figment of her imagination, right? He always showed up at the weirdest time, nervously asking for a cup of coffee like he wasn't supposed to be there.

Granted, this was only the second time it's happened, but the sentiment remained the same.

Either way, Y/N was happy to oblige.

"It's always alright. What can I get you this time?" She smoothed out her apron before sprinting behind the counter, turning on a lamp in the back that illuminated more of the kitchen.

"Oh, a black coffee is fine."

She couldn't help but laugh as she grabbed a to-go cup. "No mountains of sugar this time?"

To her surprise, he laughed back, and the sound made her feel warm. She wasn't looking at him because she was laser-focusing on the coffee making as to not make another embarrassment of herself, but she could see his smile in her head all the same. Hopefully the dimmer lighting wouldn't give her away, another stupid grin rising to her face.

"Mountains of sugar would be fantastic, actually," he said, his voice ever so warm and friendly, albeit soft. He was obviously tired, and if he was looking to stay awake, this coffee would definitely do the trick for a few hours.

"You sound like you had quite a long day," Y/N observed as she started brewing a new pot of coffee.

"Long week, more like... Work has been... a little rough."

The exhaustion threaded in his voice made her heart ache a little. "I'm sorry to hear that. Though, it sounds like you should be getting sleep instead of coffee."

When Spencer laughed this time, it was humorless. "Yeah, well, in my line of work sleep doesn't really come easily..."

Y/N glanced up at him then to see his head tilted upward as he stared at the ceiling. The dim lights of the café accentuated the peak of his nose and his jawline, and if not for the clear exhaustion highlighting his features, she would have taken more excitement in the fact that he was there, standing in front of her looking like a beautiful sculpture for free.

Though that was definitely an upside to him finally stopping by again, deep down she knew the reason he was there now wasn't because of her; He needed coffee, some semblance of comfort and probably normalcy after a shitty week. And Y/N was inclined to understand exactly how he felt in that regard.

"I'm sorry to hear that," is all she said on the subject. But she had an idea, hoping to brighten his day just a little, to bring another smile to his face. "Tell you what, I'll give you an extra coffee, no additional charge, and if you want, I'll even send you on your way with some of these extra muffins."

The half-worried, 'oh-shit-I'm-being-a-hassle' look on his face was almost familiar at this point, making Y/N laugh a little to herself.

"O—oh, Y/N, I couldn't do that, I—"

Ignoring the feeling she got when he said her name aloud, she stopped him, shook her head, and started pouring the freshly brewed coffee into two large to-go cups. "Really, Spencer, it's fine. I'll have to throw it all out otherwise, and this way it saves me the trouble. Trust me, you'd be doing me a favor."

"A—are you sure? I don't want to get you in trouble..."

"I own the place," she replied with a dismissive wave of her hand. "And since I'm my own boss, I can confidently say that I won't get in trouble."

Though his smile wasn't as wide as she remembered, the sweetness and utter thankfulness she saw in it this time around was enough to call it a win. "Thank you... A—and again, I know it's late, I'm sorry for coming in—"

"Nonsense. You're welcome here any time," she reassured him with a smile almost as sweet as his coffee.

Maybe one day Spencer would stop apologizing, but as long as he kept returning to the café, Y/N didn't mind whether he did or not.

DAY 30 

Y/N was feeling rather bold today. Not bold enough to actually ask him out or anything, but bold enough to have his order ready when he came in.

Over time she learned that Spencer's work schedule was pretty random, that he traveled a lot, therefore he probably wouldn't be in every day. But a few days ago, he mentioned he was scheduled for a week off, which rarely happened, and today marked the fifth day of his mini vacation— every single day prior, he stopped in at exactly 9:00am. 

Taking the chance that he would be stopping in a fifth day in a row, Y/N was already making his usual coffee at 8:50.

Beside her, her friend and employee, Heather, snickered, finishing up with a customer and teasing Y/N with an evil grin. "You're so whipped."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she responded quietly, stirring in the mountains of sugar and setting the spoon down beside the cup.

"If you don't ask him out, Y/N, I swear... No way a man like that's gonna stay single forever, you gotta make your move."

"Who says I'm not going to?"

"Oh, so when you hand him his coffee today, you're going to give him your number and not just freeze and chicken out? You know, like you always do?"

She glared at Heather, but it only lasted for a split second before it turned into a look of pure pining and sadness. Pathetic... "Probably not..."

Heather patted Y/N on the shoulder. "It's alright, babe. When he comes in, just be yourself. He obviously likes you, enough to come in every day for your shitty coffee..."

The shit-eating grin on her friend's face was enough to make Y/N laugh again, and she shook her head, then turned back to put the lid on Spencer's cup. "Yeah, yeah... We'll see what happens. But I get what you're saying."

As Heather went off to clean some tables, Y/N wrote out his name on the cup, contemplating whether or not she should put her number next to it. What could be the harm in that, right? It was cute and charming as hell.

Just as she was about to write the first number down the chimes sounded above the door, and as some type of Pavlovian response, Y/N set down the marker and looked up to see if it was him. Instantly she berated herself for being so obvious, but by the look on Spencer's face when he approached, he didn't look phased in the slightest.

"Hey, Sugar," Y/N called out to him, sliding him the coffee and feeling butterflies swarm her stomach at the look on his face when he heard the nickname.

Then she realized she called him by a nickname...

Even though he still smiled and took the coffee, reaching into his pocket for money and clearly not phased in the least by her affectionate nickname for him, it still made her insides flare with a little embarrassment. And if she wasn't nervous about seeing him before, she most certainly was now that he was in front of her, smiling at her and being as kind and charming as ever with few words.

He was going to leave, grabbing the cup and turning, but halfway to the door, he turned back around, and when he spoke it sounded like he was as nervous as she was.

"Oh, um... I'm leaving to visit my mom this weekend, so, I just... Wanted to let you know... You know, so you don't waste your time and resources on my order..."

Though he was obviously looking out for her, Y/N still felt this overwhelming flood of foolishness, like he actually did find it strange that she memorized his order and made it for him so it would be ready on the dot when he got there. She figured, just for a moment, that it was his subtle way of telling her he thought she was taking things to a whole new level of weird.

"O—Oh, sure. Thanks for the heads up. Enjoy your weekend." She gave him her best smile, hoping her insecurity didn't bleed through.

But then he said, "You, too, Y/N," and smiled back, looking at her for a moment that lingered just a little too long before turning away. And before he actually walked out the door, he stopped and looked back at her again, giving a small wave as his face showed all signs of reluctance to leave.

She wasn't sure how long she stared at the empty doorway, but Heather's laugh broke her from the trance.

"You know you have nothing to worry about, right? He's definitely into you."

"You... You think?" she returned softly.

"I know. The next time he comes in, give him your number."

DAY 84

Turns out, Heather was completely wrong.

Y/N hadn't seen Spencer for weeks, and then the next time he came in, there was a girl with him. Y/N tried extra hard not to jump to conclusions— maybe she was just a friend? Or a sibling, or a co-worker... And besides, even if the girl was dating him, it's not like it would have been any of her business, right? She barely knew the guy, and though it hurt to have this stupid crush on him just to find out he had a girlfriend and she'd misread the entire situation, that's all it was. A crush.

A crush that, in the end, well... crushed her.

Because the girl was, in fact, his girlfriend. He didn't really introduce her at first, but the second day they came into the café together, they were holding hands. And the girl, short and pretty and adorning a beautiful mane of long, red hair, clung to his side, giving him the same doe eyes Y/N had been teased by Heather for giving him that day he'd left. Not to mention, when they ordered, the girl called him "Babe".

It was absolutely crushing.

Y/N didn't want to cry, because it was stupid for a grown woman to cry over some dude she barely knew, right? But that didn't stop the tears from welling as soon as said dude and his freaking girlfriend stepped out of the café, leaving her behind with an ache that she hadn't felt in ages.

She and Heather went out drinking that night, and after a few days of wallowing, Y/N promptly decided that Spencer and his stupid, beautiful face and his stupid, beautiful girlfriend could kiss her ass.

Of course, immediately after, she felt bad for thinking so negatively and just settled on staying out of their business.

But it didn't help that they came in almost every day for months. Even when Spencer was at work, therefore absent, his girlfriend was there. Jeannie, her name was. She had a regular order, too, one that Y/N couldn't help but dread making every morning but did anyway, even going so far as to have it ready for her when she came in. And Jeannie was incredibly nice, a fact which Y/N hated because it would have been way easier to deal with if she was awful. At least then, she could have maybe felt better about herself for being a nicer person, but she knew that wasn't fair.

This particular day, though, Spencer came in alone. And despite herself, the first thing Y/N said to him was, "Where's Jeannie?"

Maybe she should have known by the look on his face, but he sighed, returning her question with a simple, "Delaware."

Y/N started to make his usual order, keeping the conversation light even though she was inwardly sighing at he prospect of discussing his girlfriend's whereabouts. "What's she doing there?"

She wasn't looking at him, but the sadness in his voice stopped her in her tracks. "She's there with her husband."

"Uh... What?"

"Turns out she's been engaged for the past five years... They, uh... Took a break to see other people to really see if they wanted to get married, and I guess they... got married. Last week."

"Holy shit. Spencer, I... I don't know what to say, I'm... sorry..."

He didn't say anything, only giving a half-hearted smile that conveyed more sadness than anything. Y/N hated that someone had the audacity to make him feel that way... to use him like that without at the very least telling him her situation first, before getting into a relationship.

She finished his order, but before handing it to him, she reached for a blueberry muffin and wrapped it up. And as he took money out of his pocket, she sook her head and slid his things over across the counter. "Everything's on the house today."

"Y/N, you don't have t—"

"I insist. Jeannie did a stupid thing, and you deserve better than that... You deserve something good. And I know this is small and probably nothing, but I don't care."

A little of the sadness from his smile replaced itself with amusement, and Y/N decided she'd take it. He muttered a small, "Thank you," before grabbing his coffee, but before he took the muffin he looked her dead in the eye and deposited the five dollar bill from his other hand straight into the tip jar.

She sighed and shook her head at him.

But that only widened the smile on his face, most of the sadness gone. In fact, it looked more like a satisfied smirk as he grabbed the muffin and turned to leave.

Despite Spencer's refusal to not pay, Y/N found herself smiling as he left.

DAY 174

Thankfully there were no more girlfriends after that. 

Well, okay, it wasn't fair of Y/N to say that, because if she wanted to take her shot she would have, and she couldn't get mad every time he had a new girlfriend. 

But of course, that didn't mean she couldn't be relieved every time she saw him walk in alone.

This time it was Valentine's Day. The café was decorated with sparkly red garland and pink, red, and white hearts that dangled from the ceiling. All the flowers on the tables were replaced with roses and tealight candles, and currently, almost everyone was rushing to buy the chocolate-covered strawberry arrangements that Y/N made herself. 

She was currently in the back, working on making more when Heather came rushing to the room, calling out her name.

A small panic started to sink in, because if Heather needed more supplies or more of the strawberry arrangements, she would have just sent back a ring of the bell on the doorway to the kitchen. But she almost knocked over said arrangements on her way in, and Y/N was worried that maybe something bad happened.

"Heather, what's wrong?" she asked hurriedly, smearing chocolate all over her apron.

"Nothing's wrong, but your boy is here. He's asking to see you!"

Her heart leapt out of her chest, and suddenly it was like the wind got knocked out of her. "S—Spencer?"

"Yes!" Heather half-squealed, reaching out to pull at Y/N's arm. "Go!"

"Wait! Wait, how... how do I look?"

"Take off the apron, pull down your shirt a little."

"Heather!"

"You asked! If he's here to ask you out, why not give him a little preview? Now c'mon, hand the apron over." She held her hand out, waiting for Y/N to take it off.

She grumbled as she did, suddenly more nervous than she'd ever been. Her hands shook as she untied the apron and threw it over to Heather. She looked down at the deep red v-neck she wore and sighed, pulling it down a little to give a better view of her cleavage. She fluffed her hair out, letting out a huge sigh and then shaking out her hands.

"You're hot, now go!" Heather exclaimed, practically pushing her out of the kitchen and into the bright café main room.

The moment Y/N stepped out, she saw him immediately. And as always, he looked absolutely perfect... In the last few months, he'd let his hair grow out a little, strands of it tucked behind his ear while most of it fell loose atop his head. Currently he was wearing a long coat, though she couldn't tell what was underneath. But she didn't need to know, really, because he could have showed up wearing a garbage bag and she still would have practically drooled at the sight of him.

Swallowing, Y/N made her way over to him with a smile, Heather following behind.

"Hi," she said, hoping her nerves wouldn't show through. "Heather said you asked for me?"

"U—uh, yeah. Hi, um... Sorry if you're busy, I just wanted to... stop by, say Happy Valentine's Day..."

Her heart beat faster than it ever had, and seeing him smile this nervously in her direction made it all the more endearing. "Oh, thank you," she said, giving him a small wave and then wondering why when she could have done literally anything else... Wink? Finger guns?—No, Y/N, what are you thinking? Just keep cool and talk to him like a normal person! "Do you... have any plans?"

Spencer stood still, seemingly starstruck by the question for a few, long, seconds before blinking and slightly shaking his head. "O—Oh, yeah, um... Some friends and I are going out for drinks later, that's all. Should be kinda boring, actually, not really my scene..."

"Oh... Boring's nice, though, sometimes. Personally all the huge Valentine's Day plans are kinda over-the-top anyway." She might as well have been wearing a sign on her forehead that said Lie! Lie! Lie!

He laughed, though, and Y/N's heart sunk. "Yeah, you're right... Um, I'll let you get back to work, then, I just wanted to stop in and say hi." 

"Oh... You don't... want coffee or anything? I—I've got these chocolate-covered strawberry arrangements, too, if you want one. You know, 'cause why not?"

"Oh! Uh, sure. That... That sounds great."

His smile lit her insides on fire, ad she tried desperately not to stumble as she worked her way through the kitchen, making everything. He waited patiently by the side of the counter, trying equally as hard not to keep sneaking glances at her as she worked. Meanwhile the pink post-it note with his phone number in red ink burned in his pocket, his hands shaking as he struggled to think of a scenario in which he wouldn't fumble with it and completely make a fool of himself. Because now that he was there, in her presence, it was a lot harder to pretend like he had the confidence to actually ask her out.

And when she brought his order, she flashed that beautiful smile and he knew immediately that he would never be able to give her the post-it. Whether she knew it or not, she made him nervous, and if he was going  to mess everything up, he certainly wasn't going to do it in a café full of people on Valentine's Day. He'd never recover.

So Spencer accepted the coffee and the small bouquet of fruit, trying his best not to drop it with shaky hands. "Thank you. How much?"

"For you, on the house," Y/N returned. "And please don't just put a 5 in the tip jar. I'm getting really tired of you doing that."

They both laughed, the memories of every time since the last time he'd done it sparking between them like lightning. Almost every time she insisted on giving him his coffee for free, he pulled a 5-dollar bill from his pocket and landed it in the jar, and every time she rolled her eyes at him and told him to get out.

"Well, I have to give you something," Spencer insisted, the paper in his pocket burning even hotter.

Likewise, Y/N felt like she was going to lose her balance again. Was he going to ask her out? Heaven forbid, would he kiss her? "What do you have in mind?"

The deep tone of her voice sent a chill through him, and in that moment it was now or never. So he set the coffee down on the counter and reached into his pocket. Y/N opened her mouth to protest, but he stopped her with a raise of his eyebrows. "It's not what you think. I promise."

Somehow she didn't believe him.

But then he pulled out a hot pink piece of paper and slipped it in the tip jar instead, his eyes never leaving hers. "I really hope you empty the jar at the end of every day, otherwise this is going to be a little embarrassing."

"What... What is it?" she asked softly, though she already had an inkling of the answer.

And then he said something that made her heart soar. "I think you already know."

Sure enough, Y/N looked down and saw numbers written on the sheet of paper through the glass. She smiled, letting it burn heart-shaped holes into her eyes.

Spencer was gone when she looked back up, but the image of him was still seared into her brain.

DAY 366

They hadn't even made it out of the parking lot. And you'd think that after months of dating and going on dates he would have been used to how pretty she looked, but alas, yet again he couldn't wait, and now Spencer and Y/N were laying in the backseat of her car, praying no one had just seen what went down not twenty minutes ago.

"You know what, I think that has to be a record," she laughed, combing through his damp hair with her fingers. "I didn't even have my seatbelt on yet."

He laughed with her. "You know I'm impatient..."

"Yeah, and I also know that we're certainly not going to make those dinner reservations you worked so hard all month to get. All that hard work, for nothing!"

He scoffed, though the smirk on his face never faltered. "I hardly think it was for nothing... You are definitely something... Besides, I had to, because today is very special."

"Oh, and why's that?"

"Well... I don't know if you know this, but you and I met exactly one year ago today. And I've never been the same since."

Y/N looked up at him, eyes wide. "Has... Has it really been that long already?"

"Mhm... And it only seems like it hasn't been that long because we've only been technically dating for 192 days... But I wanted to celebrate anyway. Because no matter how long we've been dating, I've actually been enamored by you for 366 days. And counting."

Warmth flooded through her veins as she hugged him tighter to her, pressing a kiss to his jaw before nuzzling into his neck. "Oh, Sugar... I love you."

Spencer smiled fondly at the nickname, thinking back to all the times he'd watched her pour a shit-ton of sugar into his coffee at her cute little café— the one he'd only ever stumbled on by accident because he was running late for work and needed a quick fix of caffeine. Turns out it had been the best accident he'd ever stumbled into.

"I love you, too, Y/N."

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[teamfreewill2pointo]

Transcript of End of the Road Special

Transcript of End of the Road Special. 

Please let me know if I made any errors in transcription. Twitter version Family Don’t End with Blood Transcription Winchester Mythology Transcription

Dabb: Ultimately, we came up with something that we're all very proud of Singer: You never know what the audience is going to like so we really tried to say "what would make us happy? Would we be satisfied with where we've taken them?"

The Carry On song was a guideline.

Singer: The myth of what these brothers were throughout 15 years... We didn't shy away from fatalism, but we wanted to be able to have it be kinda uplifting as well.

Dabb: If you're going to do something that feels like a complete arc, you have to kinda go back to the beginning of it (clips of them hunting vamps from s1 & 15.20) When it comes to Sam & Dean- it's all about getting back to, in some ways, these two guys on the road in this car.

Dabb: They've been doing this job for 15 years now. They've fought everyone from demons to vampires to God himself, but at the end of the day, they're still working guys, out there on the road & taking cases. We've tried to never lose sight of that.

Dabb: There are times when we've been wrapped up in our own mythology a little bit. We've always tried to get back to the basics, which are: these two guys, saving people, hunting things. 

Eugenie: I think we sort of knew generally what the ending would involve.

Eugenie: We might not have known the mechanics, but we sort of knew there would be a victorious, glorious sacrificial ending bc I think sacrifice is a big theme in the series.

For every great thing you do, a cost must be paid.

Singer: Andrew & I talked about it. We were in agreement pretty quickly... talked to the rest of the writing staff & let them know what we wanted to do and we were open to suggestions. And then we pretty much pitched it to Jared and Jensen.

Jensen talks about flying to LA. Jensen: So before we ever even started 15, we knew how the last portion of the story was going to go. We didn't know how we were going to get there, but we kinda knew the final- the finish line- we knew what... what that was going to look like.

Jared: I don't think there's ever been a season of SPN in 15 years where the way the writers thought the show would play out for that season- ended up being the way it played out And so we were aware of that. They told us here's what we're thinking, here's what happens to Castiel

Jared: In the finale, Dean dies & Sam lives on. And then we think they're going to meet up in heaven. 

I remember Jensen... just because I know him so well- he seemed to bristle a little bit.

Jensen: It was hard to hear then & it was hard to read now. Not because I didn't like it, not because I wished it had gone differently... I'm not adverse to it. I think it's a great ending. I'm proud to film it.

Singer: And we just aimed for that, you know, throughout the season. We knew where we were going.

Jensen: Reading it & knowing that... there's just a weight that is so much larger reading these scripts than I've ever experienced before. 

There's an emotional weight that these scripts are going to carry & these episodes are going to have that I don't think we've ever seen before.

Brad: [J2] were so young when all of this started. They brought to it such conviction & such commitment to the effort. 

That's one of the things that kept the show going for so many years... a show that was designed for very young guys, footloose & fancy free, & on the road…

Brad: To see these guys grow up b4 your eyes into- men, not boys any longer- was amazing. 

BABY Jared: Though the story does involve Sam & Dean chasing supernatural things, it really is a story about two brothers that love each other & ultimately will do anything for each other.

Jensen: There's really one person that gets it on the level that I get it, and that's Jared. Jared: I've never spent as much time with another human being as I have with Jensen Ackles. He will be my friend and brother forever. And I know that.

BABY Jensen: There's a lot of dynamics between the two brothers, there's a lot of history between them, there's a lot of banter between them... it's good stuff S15 Jensen: We had a partner in crime & we leaned on each other for, you know, for times when it was tough.

Jensen: But we also won together. We got to share the experience of success & the experience of getting picked up for another season. Watching these two characters go through what they're going through, when we're working 14 hours & it's 2-3 o’clock on a Sat morning and we're just now finishing filming out in the rain and mud and we gotta race to the airport to get on a plane because we've got a photoshoot in LA & we've gotta do on camera interviews and we gotta promote the show that we love so much that we were just in the mud & the rain filming hours before we're exhausted and it's like there's only one person that gets that right now. That gets how I feel and that's this guy standing next to me. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool to have somebody like that.

Brad: We knew it was going to be impossible to tie up every aspect of all of the cans of worms that we opened up. 

We did want to bring a proper ending to the guys, the guy's relationship.

Brad: Then of course we had this huge corner we painted ourselves into with the most powerful thing in the universe being the big bad of the season. We try and find a proper send off for Jack & for Cas. What to do w/ the boys & is that a together farewell or an individual?

It was just... lots of moving parts. 

Dabb: I give a lot of credit to Bobo who really was the one who started banging the drum early & often to ending the mythology in 19 and end the characters in 20.

Brad: You're battling God & battling God & you have this epic situation going on through the first 3/4 of the show & then what? You send off Dean in act 4? That just felt wrong. Eugenie: We had this obligation, it was really mandatory, that we tie up the mythic narrative and leave the final episode for the emotional resolution. I [was] more on the side of not wanting to best God. To have God change to be more like his creations. So there were philosophical arguments, but we always knew God's resolution was going to be a big ticket item.

Jensen: We'd started day 1 of the 2nd to last episode, 19. We were 1 day down on that episode & we were just about to start our 2nd day & we got the call that morning that we were not going to be coming in that day.

Jensen: So we figured ok, we'll figure out protocol, figure out what we need to do, & we'll just regroup, come back on Monday. As that day progressed, it was like- this looks like more of an apocalypse that is ascending upon us than just a bad cold.

They pulled the plug & they said everybody go home. 

Singer: Fortunately, we got assurance from both the studio & the network that one way or another we were gonna finish the series. That was comforting to us, but we didn't know when we were going to go back.

Eugenie: We didn't know what we were going back to... if this was the last time we would ever see the set. There was no plan. It was just get out of dodge. Dabb: When it first happened, we thought it would be a couple of weeks, maybe a month.

I had conversations w/WB where they expected everyone to be back shooting in June & then things got worse & pushed & pushed.

Eugenie: Slowly as we settled into that 4 or 5 month period, discussions were going on w/the studio, & the networks, & the actors. We knew there would be restrictions on what we were allowed to shoot, but finally, the mechanics were figured out. 

Singer: So they were ready to go pretty quickly, shooting in Van, where covid wasn't quite as virulent as it was [in LA].

Dabb: We were one of the first shows, one of the first WB shows to start back up. So in a way, we were kinda a guinea pig. But, in being that, I think everyone took it really seriously. We had 0 positive tests. Crew members weren't going out on the weekends.

They were like look, if I get sick, it hurts the whole show. That speaks to the family culture up there, where we've had so much of our crew for so long. Where J2 & Singer provide such great leadership.

Singer: When I was in prep for 20, I was basically in the office but couldn't go to the set. It was very odd for me not to be able to go to the set while I was in prep. 

Everybody just hung in there & did what they were supposed to do.

Brad: Then we were faced with the dilemma of having to rewrite a lot of the stuff bc of the pandemic bc of the limitations that we knew were going to come on the production.

Jensen: We were gearing up for, not only the end of that season, but the end of the series. There was a lot of big, big things written-packed- into those last two scripts.

Jared: At first, it was supposed to be a lot of our old cast from prior seasons in a Roadhouse with Kansas.

Everybody had already agreed. Kansas was going to be in Van. We were going to have dad there & mom there. Just probably 20 or 30 different actors & actresses who had been a part of the SPN's canon over the last 15 & a half years.

Jensen: It was scheduled to be the last day that we were going to film, so it was almost like rolling right into a nice wrap party on camera. 

Brad: The idea of flying a boatload of ppl up there to quarantine for 2 weeks so they could shoot for a day was making less & less sense.

Eugenie: How do we make this work? And while you're doing that, you also don't want to sacrifice the heart and soul of the project. 

So we came up with a reduced, much more intimate ending. It has been replaced by something equally magical & rewarding.

Singer: I felt an enormous responsibility in directing the finale of a show that's been on for 15 years. Andrew, when he saw the cut, he said some really nice things to me as to, you know, the way I handled the material.

Jensen: The scenes that were filmed on our last day on the sound stages were filled with the most emotion of the final episode. 

Singer: One of the really hard things was we're on another stage that wasn't the MoL stage & they started wrecking the MoL sets

They'd been working on this set and been apart of this- this family for just as long if not longer than the set's been around. I was like "it's really sad seeing this get taken down" and the other guy said, "I'm trying to hold back tears while I'm swinging this hammer."

Jared: As we start saying goodbye to characters, to locations, like it just seems like every day you would wake up and there would be some reason to cry. 

Misha: This is a show ultimately about love, & empathy, & caring, & I think that Castiel embodies that.

Misha: Half the crew was crying. It was really such a sweet, supporting environment to be in for the demise of a character that, of course, for me is really important. 

But it was so lovely to see that, you know, the folks that I'm- I'm working with were also there for Cas at that moment. 

Alex: To get to work with these caliber people & see your friends every day is really special & is not something that often happens in this business for this long. It's been definitely a topsy turvy last couple weeks here with us and the crew. 

Jared: Friday of the final full week was the big scene in the barn with the vampires where Dean suffers his fate. They did the first two days with the entire stunt team & the young boy actors. 

And then they cut it for Thursday night and they're like, okay, Friday, tomorrow, we’re starting the dialogue. Dean, you're on the post. Sam, you just cut off the last vampire's head.

That was the scene- that was where Supernatural was really encapsulated. 

Jensen: And then the next week we kind of had this- on the road encore get together filmmaking scenario that felt more like we made it & it was more pats on the back as opposed to tearful goodbyes. 

Dabb: In a weird way you can look at the 15 seasons is like Sam & Dean's emotional evolution. You know instead of therapy, they kill vampires, but other than that it's kind of the same & brings them both to a very good place. And a place where they can, as the song says, you know, lay their weary head to rest. 

This felt like the most honest & emotionally fulfilling episode for these characters to us. Jared: I got thinking about how Supernatural started & how the majority of times how I thought it should end. It started with Sam & Dean Winchester. I think it's proper that it ended with Sam & Dean Winchester together again. 

Jensen: When the cameras stop rolling & Bob yelled, “Cut!” and Bob yelled, “That’s a series wrap on Supernatural.” There was- a there was a loud cheer that echoed through that canyon we were filming in. I will- I will happily say that there were hugs that happened and that needed to happen. Those are people that I spent not just years with, but so much time with- it's like brothers in arms and so to put it to bed the way that we did felt really good and then felt good to hug some people, I'll tell you that much. Singer: I thanked everyone, but I wanted to really thank people who had been with us from the beginning and as I looked around, there were so many people who had been there from the beginning.

We really were a family. I always say about this show is one of the reasons that it was a success and is that it was not only about the Winchester family, but it was about the Supernatural family. 

Jared: So now that's all said and done, I guess I can look back at it and just be proud that I helped this show carry on and I'm really proud of the blood, sweat, and tears that I put in, and I feel like- I feel like that sacrifice was also maybe one of the things I learned from Sam, you know? Sam had to sacrifice a lot. So, I'm honored and flattered and grateful that I got to be a part of that journey.

Dabb: You're never going to have another show like this. You're never gonna have another experience like this. For a lot of different reasons, from how long it ran, from the family that the show became, from the amazing fans that we have. [Footage of us] From the emotional investment people can put in over 15 years of their lives. 

Some started watching this when they were in high school, when they were 15, they're 30 now, they might have kids. That's their- that's like half their life. They've been with this show. You're not gonna have that again. Shows just aren’t gonna run this long, especially genre shows, but I don't know that I'm ever gonna do anything else in my career that I'm gonna be more proud of than having been involved in this show. 

Jared: The things that stick out are just how important it is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And keep on working and wake up every day and treat it like it could be your last and- and if you make it out the other side, you'll be happy and proud of what you did. 

Jensen: The crew had packed up, they had cleared the bridge, and they were all starting to, you know, load their trucks and get moving. And Jared and I just kind of hung back, and we just took a moment. I looked at him and I said, “I’m proud of us, man. I'm proud of what we've done.”

We know that that's the collective we, that is everyone that is involved, that is- you know from the top down. You know, for our portion, for what we contributed to this monster of the show, he and I reflected on that, and still able to see and smell the roses.

[whoistheasshole]

How do I get out of this unsatisfying life I’m living?

Anonymous asks: So the thing is that I feel incredibly stuck - I have all the basics of life which I'm grateful for but also that was my BIG dream as a kid, to get tf out of my parents' house - but now I have that and idk what to do for the rest of my life. Like, if I try those "visualize your future" things I'm just like, "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer" & it feels like I don't really WANT anything so I can't plan, you know? Just flailing here honestly. Pretty tired of it.

I wrote back: I got your question. To pinpoint my answer a little better, can you tell me about your current situation, like how long has it been since you moved out? Which are the things you have in order to your satisfaction? Some vague idea of your age range would also be helpful, but I can work without it too if you’d rather not share.

Anonymous answered: Ah, sorry. I was trying to fit in the character limit & also whenever I think about this my mind just goes flbbbbth. It's been about 5 years? That's about the only thing I'm truly HAPPY about, I'm not thrilled with my social/love life, career, etc & have pretty much been just coasting tbh. I'm almost 30. Thanks for entertaining this.

Alright, thanks for adding some background. I will come at this from different angles and you can pretty much pick and choose what sounds helpful and leave the rest, okay?

First, while there are people who have it all figured out, methodically planning their next career step or fully certain that there is no greater joy than raising a child, there are tons of other people who just, to quote, go „ flbbbbth“ when asked about their next steps or, god forbid, their life plan. I would say I fall in the latter camp, but I don’t mind because I think there is nothing wrong with that. I let myself be guided by the things I need to be happy (more on that later) and by current necessities – if my job becomes shit, I need to find a new job. If a friendship goes sour, I need to end it respectfully. But I couldn’t tell you specific career or personal goals, except...

... let’s talk about the „later“ now.

I’m an organizer, maybe even a worrier, and therefore I like lists. And for that reason I made a list a while ago that I still have and expect to keep for a long time. It is a list of everything that I need to be satisfied with my life. It consists of 29 entries and has three of them checked, though several others could be counted as half-checked. I wrote down everything that came to mind, paying no attention whether it was reasonable or feasible to want. That wasn’t the question.

It covers stuff like a clean flat (not checked), restful sleep (not checked), friends that I see regularly (checked) or a job with purpose (not checked). This list is my guide. Well, generally my needs are my guide, but it can be hard to be aware of your needs sometimes, so I got this list. And if I wonder what I need or want to focus on, I can turn to it and choose one of the entries and see what I can do about it. I can also look over the list every few years and see if things have developed in the right direction. Little progress is no reason to chastise myself, but helpful information to see whether I need to re-direct my focus.

Please note that I wrote „satisfied“, not „happy“. Being happy is a passing emotional state. It is completely normal and okay not to be happy all the time. But quiet satisfaction with where you are or where you are going, that is pretty achievable. It certainly is a process, but an enjoyable one.

This list is not a race and it is not really a to-do list because most of the things I wrote down aren’t easy to accomplish with a single action. They take months and years and, for some items, I can only try and hope it works out some day (see anybody who ever purposely looked for a partner).

So maybe this kind of list could be an exercise for you. Maybe it provides you with some insight, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s not the right point in your life. But if you sit down and the only thing you can come up with is „cry forever“ or „sleep forever“ then, you know, that’s a sign.

Which brings me to my next point: Journaling or automatic writing. This method is especially helpful for those „I feel some kind of way and I couldn’t even tell you how“ moments – so maybe exactly where you are right now. Captain Akward has introduced me to a website called „750 words“ and I’ve used the principle of „morning pages“, though not the website, since then whenever I felt like some emotions were starting to boil over.

I sit down, ideally in the morning, and just barf it all on the (digital) page. There are only two rules: 1) Don’t edit or judge yourself, write everything as it comes to mind (that’s the automatic writing part) and 2) Don’t stop before you’ve reached 750 words. You are not looking to write anything readable or clever or lyrical, you’re looking to get all the weirdness out so you can move on. Repeat this as many days as you feel queasy or weird or confused or angry or sad. Each day, as soon as you’ve reached the 750 words, you can walk away. Heck, you could even delete/burn the document if that feels right. It’s just about giving your thoughts the room they need so you can continue with your day, hopefully feeling somewhat relieved.

While we’re at writing, I also have a question for you: Where is the pressure coming from to „do something with your life“? Is it truly coming from inside you or are there outside factors? Are people in your life asking you when you’ll have kids? Do you live in a culture where it’s expected that everybody does something of note, works certain prestigious jobs? Do you compare yourself to the people around you and feel like you’re „late“?

Maybe mull this over on a leisurely walk or write about it, using the method above. No matter where it’s coming from, the feeling of pressure won’t go away just by knowing its origin, but the knowledge can help you keep it under control. And if you find it is truly your own wish, you will have tools to shape your life according to your needs.

So, next, sleep: Maybe do that?

You wrote "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer". I understand this was half a joke, but also … it was probably more than a joke.

How are your energy levels? How does life feel? Are you trying to jog through jello most of these days?

If we’ve been overachievers or had a tough home life or needed to take care of ourselves pretty early, we can become accustomed to everything being difficult. This feeling and behavior can become a way of life, even when circumstances change and we have a chance to act differently.

Do you feel rested? Do you have regular moments of quiet in your life that let you breathe? If not, this is where I would start. Forget about lists, though morning pages might be a helpful accompanying tool (if they don’t become a task to punish yourself with if you don’t find the energy).

Take some weeks or months, maybe even a year to make rest your priority. You will have to find a way that works for you. Yes there is a lot of clinically proven stuff out there, but you will not see me do yoga or meditate. Though feel free if that’s up your alley. If you love cycling or taking photos or drawing or just plain lying on your bed and staring at the wall, see where you can add more of that to your day. Whatever brings you closer to yourself and makes you feel like you can exhale and stand still for a moment, that’s the way to go. Do this as long as sleeping seems like a fine choice. And for good measure maybe a month longer. You are ready to stop when you cannot wait to do something else goddamnit I’m bored!!! (you might say)

If you are in this picture, please start here. Any kind of life plan, next steps, strategizing, solving of riddles would set you back and perpetuate your exhaustion. Rest is not time wasted, rest is how you get your life back.

If you are in this picture, you will likely find that if you really pull through, if you truly rest, as long and boring or even scary as it may be, the other questions will probably have an intuitive answer afterwards. Not like „this is my 20-year career plan“, but „I feel like doing x this week“. And that is enough. Because you won’t need to strain to hear your needs through the fog of exhaustion anymore.

Finally, some practical information and links for when you do have the energy and inclination to tackle your job and social life. I am not saying you need to change anything if that’s not what you want to focus on. These are just some tips, in case they become relevant.

For your social life, I recommend what others have recommended before me: Pick an activity that you do with other people and stick with it long enough to become a familiar face, see also here and here (yes, meeting gay people is similar to meeting other people). If you try out new stuff, go there at least 5 or 6 times before you decide it’s not for you – of course assuming nothing bad is coming up like racist or abusive people in the group. Shop around if the first group/activity doesn’t work for you until you find something that you’d like to do permanently. Maybe you’ll gain some friends, maybe you’ll find a romantic opportunity. In any case, if it’s something fun that you like to do anyway, you will have found an outlet with a social group attached. It is absolutely not as easy right now, with Covid and all, but if nothing outdoors-y comes to mind, you could also use this time to brainstorm what sounds like fun for when things are safer again.

Of course you can also look at opportunities online, like Discord servers, online interest groups etc but I do understand if that’s just not appealing right now. I am certainly over sitting in front of a screen.

To round this up, don’t sneeze at contacts that you already have. Are there acquaintances, friends of friends, colleagues, family members who you would like to get to know better? Then go do that! Suggest a time and place to meet up and see how they react. Say yes to the potential friends.

Speaking of which...

The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes might also be interesting. Sure, it’s a little pop culture positive thinking kinda stuff, but I did like the impulse it gave me to consider when I say no to opportunities out of anxiety or worry. It made me accept some social invitations from colleagues (… in the before times) that I would not have otherwise considered. I did not gain life-long friends, but I did learn another valuable info: That my FOMO wasn’t justified for these events ;)

It also lead me to the decision to do one new thing every month – visit a new place or try a new activity or cook a new food. If the concept sounds appealing, just think about what sounds interesting and achievable to you.

And finally, the advice blog recommendations that I’ll always have. For social life, love life, and general life planning turmoil: Captain Awkward. For everything job-related, including how to write a good cover letter or interview well and, of course, how to get out of the dreaded current job you have: Ask A Manager.

To sum it up:

1) Figure out if you even have the energy to tackle any of this right now.

2) Figure out your pillars for a satisfying life – nothing big and shiny, just … basic needs, wishes, social needs.

3) When you feel like it, pick what you want to tackle next and see where it leads you.

4) Stay flexible. This is your life and it’s okay to go where it takes you, even if it doesn’t look „cool“ or „impressive“ from the outside. All you need is to make it your own.

And if you want to, let me know how it goes some time. :)

[leejeongz]

nsfw a-z BX (cix)

🔅requested by: @bruisedbananas thanks 👀a whole lot👀 for requesting this hehe🔅

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

super fucking snuggly and happy. he takes great care when cleaning everywhere not to neglect you too, so he often innocently showers with you (even if it’s annoying that you can’t both get water at the same time) and takes the sheets off the bed when you’re doing your night routine. he thinks sharing water is a romantic activity (in a jokey but also not jokey kind of way) so that’s always a thing too.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

on you, he likes your jawline and ears (is this just me being hopeful?) did you guys see that dance video thingy where he went straight for seunghun’s ear to kiss it 👀🤚🏼. this man loveeessss kissing and biting your ears and seeing the effect it has on you.

on him, he loves his eyes/eyebrows. they’re so expressive and let you know EXACTLY what he wants. he might get a little shy telling you, but he knows that you know just from looking into his eyes. he loves that they have that effect on everyone xo.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

anything that will make a mess. doesn’t really want to finish inside you unless you fully agree to it and you’ve spoken about it. he feels it’s much safer and a lot more satisfying to cum on your face or on your back. he likes that way it looks, when he looks at it, it’s a reminder of how he felt and usually makes him wanna go for another round straight after.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

he prefers getting head to actual vaginal or anal sex. not that he’s selfish, he will always pleasure you. he just prefers the way it feels, the way you look, the eye contact brings him closer to the edge than eye contact during “actual” sex. god he just loves wet sloppy head and fucking your pretty little face until you ✨cry✨.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

i think he’s had 1 or 2 partners but he’s not all that experienced. like he maybe did it once with each one. but he receives head every week because he can- he knows what to do when you suck him off lol.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

he likes doggy but nothing will ever, EVER beat good old missionary. he likes “accidentally” leaving his chain on and watching it hit you as he fucks you. wow he’s so kind. in this position, he can also give you as much attention as you wish and has easy access to all of you.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

i wouldn’t say humorous but definitely smiley. he loves you, he loves doing naughty things with you, he loves making you his, of course he’s gonna be happy.

when he’s in one of his super horny moods though… an expression change is very unlikely, let alone a positive, happy, smiley one.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

tends to just leave it and just go natural. sometimes he’ll shave completely but he doesn’t really like it.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

it depends entirely on his mood. most sex is sloppy and sleepy but romantic and soft, with lots of praise and “i love you”s thrown around.

some sex is distant, with very little care for romance or softness. this is quite rare, but when it happens it’s very intense and unforgettable.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

probably does this quite frequently to relieve stress and just idk escape? usually does it at night when everyone else is asleep because he can get a little 🤫groany🤫 but like… in a good way.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

bdsm- knife play- i explained this a little more in the “risk” part but he lovesss the vulnerability this creates. the trust you’ve given him to do this makes him feel more connected to you romantically too. i mention this in the “volume” part but he likes to say nothing during knife play, behaving a little crazy just for your fantasy.

praise (giving)- when he’s in one of his soft moods, he loves to tell you how good you’re making him feel. his favourite thing to tell you is “there’s no one better at x than you”. he wants to make you feel like it’s all worth it and that he’s never going to leave you because you’re so good (but not in a manipulative way, like he’s serious about it).

gagging 👅- he gets off to you gagging on his dick because it really brings it home that he’s THAT big. he also likes makes you suck on his fingers, especially while he’s fucking you, so sometimes they accidentally (on purpose) go a little too far down and would you look at that, you’re gagging again.

maybe also daddy kink 👉🏼👈🏼 but he doesn’t wanna be basic so he never lets on.

urophilia- ok don’t hate me bc i wrote this (bc we do not kink shame in this house) but i do think 😳 he’d be more than down for showering you in his piss. of course this has to be something you’re into and comes into play only when you’ve discussed it a whole bunch and when you’re both in the mood to do it. he’s not just gonna piss on you for funsies.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

at the dorms in his shared ;) room. maybe you’ll get caught, maybe you won’t 🤷🏻‍♀️. he likes both of you being comfortable too so somewhere like his bed is preferable (he won’t use their beds tho that’s not his style)

also likes public toilets but only clean ones lol bc dirty ones can really dampen the mood. restaurant toilets 👀👀 after you’ve put your hand on his crotch 👀👀 after HE put his hand on your thigh when he knew you were horny even before you left the house 👀👀

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

pretty much everything. you could do something completely innocent and he’d be like “what are you doing? are you doing that on purpose?” and ur like no i’m just ?? washing the dishes. but he’s too turned on by this point to care about your response anyway. most likely in these instances, if you’re not up for it, he can contain himself or takes it elsewhere to deal with it alone

when you lick your lips or bite them… that’s the thing that gets him going the most. in that moment, he just wants to feel your lips wrapped around him until he busts all over your face.

he also gets really turned on when you laugh and smile at him but he’s yet to work out if that’s a sexual thing or not

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

i said he likes gagging you with his dick and his fingers but he would never take is as far as making you throw up. a real big turn off, even if he’s never experienced it he knows he doesn’t like it. of course he’d help clean up if it did happen (if he could stomach it) but he’d never do it on purpose and all sexual activity would stop there for the time being.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

as i said before he likes nothing more than being sucked off. he likes putting his hand under your chin or the back of your head and forcing your head down further. he’s quite verbal when his dick is getting sucked but he’s sick of telling you to look at him so he makes you look at him by putting his hands on either side of your head and tilting it up occasionally.

his skills with his tongue are no fucking joke. he could be down there for just 30 seconds sometimes and you’ve already cum over his face. it makes him super happy when you get giggly and excited when he goes to eat you out.

he understands that some people don’t really like to receive, so he’ll only do it if you want him to, but after he’s finished you’ll be wanting him to go back down on you again and again.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

i think he would be quite sloppy ngl. so he doesn’t really have a set pace, just a happy medium for himself. he can get quite rough when he’s not tired, especially when he’s about to cum.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

he likes the risk factor of a quickie in say public toilets for example, but the quickie itself doesn’t really do much for him. unless of course, you’ve teased him enough to only last those few minutes (but the teasing is more likely to be the other way around wink wink)

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

with the right person, yes. he doesn’t want you to feel obligated to accept whatever he wants to do so he doesn’t experiment that much, but he’d like to. i think he’d like to bring bdsm into the bedroom but only if you’re 100% okay with it.

talking to eve makes me think he likes knives YOU SEE WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME?! like he’d love to show you the blunt knife, blindfold you, and then gently drag it across your skin. of course this would take a lot of practice to perfect but he thinks it would be worth it for you if you get stimulated by knives.

he kinda likes the idea of getting caught too. like if it actually happened he’d probably be mortified but the possibility of one of the other members walking in on him fucking you ugh he loves it. kinda thinks he could teach people how to fuck you right if they ever caught you too but is NOT prepared for that to happen lmao. also not prepared to share you either :)

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

2 rounds. he gets turned on thinking back on what just happened and wants it again almost immediately. byounggon sex god me thinks. like no other man hehe.

although he doesn’t last too long the second time. his stamina is probably cut by 5 minutes and there is far less foreplay involved.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

not really a fan of toys. would much rather see you get off to him and him alone. i lowkey think he would get jealous if you used a toy lol. would go to the extent of hiding all your toys and acting oblivious when you couldn’t find them. “oh well, i’ll guess you’ll just have to use this instead”

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

a whole lot. A WHOLE LOT. and he realises it. like i said, his eyes do all the talking, even if he is teasing you, you know what’s about to happen anyway. he’s probably gonna toy with you and tease you even before foreplay, just so you beg for even the slightest touch. he’s got you wrapped around his little finger, but it’s only fair since you have him wrapped around your little finger.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

he’s actually not too loud, except for when he cums. at that point, he’s groaning and almost whimpering. sometimes he does it as a warning to make you stop sucking his dick because he doesn’t wanna drag your head away when your mouth feels so good.

during intense sessions, he’s silent during sex. both you and him agree that it adds to this “crazy guy” persona that he takes on and it stimulates you both a lot. you being the only one moaning can make you feel a little insecure, a little vulnerable, and it’s something you both enjoy in the moment.

for less intense sessions, he will sprinkle a little bit of dirty talk and praise because ur doing good and he wants you to know that he likes what you’re doing.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

he leaned down a little, his length naturally coming out of your mouth.

“kiss me” he growled. you sat up a little, lips meeting his for the nth time that night. he pulled away abruptly and replaced his lips with his dick once again.

“open” he pried your mouth open with the tip and looked down at you in admiration. “how much are you gonna take this time?” he asked, smirking.

“all of it” you managed to muffle out.

you felt his hand come to your chin, firmly grabbing it and forcing your head down further. he always tells you he’s going to be gentle, but the only gentle thing you can feel in his thumb stroking your cheek absentmindedly. you’re afraid to mention it in case it stops.

“i’d like to see you try” he responded between subtle groans.

you’d been trying for a few minutes, yet you could only take half, and by now he could see it wasn’t working, time for a new method. he pulled away from your mouth and hinted that you should lie on the bed, which you did so immediately.

“turn over” he demanded “and have your head over this side” you patted the edge of the bed. you lay on your back, head dangling over the side, waiting for him.

“you might cry” he warned, before attempting to put the entirety of his dick down your throat. you gagged and he backed away, pleased with himself.

“again” he warned, repeating the action. “you’re taking my cock so well”. he’d done it, you’d taken it all, multiple times. he quickened his pace, your throat already feeling sore.

soon, he completely forgot about warning you, you were too dazed to register it anyway. there was spit all over your face, all over the bed surrounding you, all over him, who was a few seconds away from cumming. he managed to pull away from your mouth in time, releasing his cum all over your naked upper half.

“look at the mess here” he groaned “you’re such a naughty little girl” he said while making his way around the bed, getting ready to give you the best treatment you’d ever receive.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

👀 okay so first of all he’s in cix soooo we all know that they’re ALL blessed.

i think he’d be just a little over average length but girthy as FUCK. he likes using the phrase “stretch you out” because he knows his dick is phat lol.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

when he’s with you, his brain doesn’t immediately go to sex, but he is constantly horny (like most people let’s be real). he’s down to do it when ever you are, it’s less about when he wants it and more about when he can have it (do u get me i feel like that was v broad lol)

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

he REALLY wants to stay awake and cuddle with you but he’s tired. like super tired. as soon as his head hits the pillow he’s out like a light.

i'd just like to clarify that i think he can switch between hard dom and soft dom, that’s why there’s not one real heavy focus in this (not that there always has to be roles anyway ofc). but either way he’s definitely a dom and he’s almost always one for dom/sub sex (wth is the phrase for that omfg)

[formeandmyfics]

Jugenea Fan Fiction

NEVER FORGET

For being on two different chapters in the book of life, they’re on the same page

(photo credit @ohmygarlands)

1943

Judy watched him.

In the bright sunshine, across from her trailer, Judy sat in the passenger seat of her personal studio golf-cart, waiting for Mickey. As she did so, she became mesmerized at the scene in front of her: Gene roughhousing with a bunch of studio kids. They all laughed and ran around him, even jumping on his back. It made Judy smile.

As she watched him, images of last night took over her mind, as she disappeared into a daydream. Back from filming Girl, Crazy in Palm Springs, it was their first time back together. They ended up spending the night in his trailer, as hers would be too suspicious. She was watched like a hawk. They planned on dinner at her house and catching up but didn't quite make it that far. Judy giggled to herself. Her amusement soon spread into butterflies as her body now remembered last night as well. Ecstasy was the only word that came to mind. Encounters with Gene were always amazing and fully satisfying, fun and sexy, but last night Gene acted somewhat different. Intense.

There he was, in front of her, playing with a bunch of children, like a big kid himself, when last night he kept making her come over and over. He did something beyond explanation to her body. There were times he'd go from devouring her like candy, to scanning his eyes around every part of her like she were a Monet painting, to fucking her so ardently her voice skipped, then tracing her skin with his finger like it was a delicate rose. Judy's cheeks warmed. She tried to focus but again, her mind wandered to early this morning as well.

She sat up in the small day bed at the back of his trailer, her hair tousled, hugging her knees to her bare chest. He hadn't noticed her awake yet as he stood by the small window looking out as he sipped his coffee just in his shorts. The amber glow of the morning sun hit his muscles like shadows, so much definition she could feel still feel them on her finger tips. His arms especially, looking so strong. He handled her so well. God, he looked so damn sexy, and he didn't even know it. She had bit her bottom lip, smiling bashfully. When he turned his head to her, she lowered her face behind her knees, her penetrating eyes only visible, telling him of her thoughts. When he smiled mischievously, that was it. He never did finish that cup of coffee.

"Judy!"

Judy flinched a bit as she was brought back to reality, but smiled wide at a friend walking on by. She waved back and then caught eyes with Gene. He was looking at her indifferently, the kids still playing around him. She kneaded her eyebrows a moment, haven't seen him look at her like that before, when a little boy jumped on the back of his back again interrupting their moment. Gene laughed and ran, the boy going piggy back. Judy didn't know why, but thoughts of Gene's family entered Judy's mind. When she was away, she had kept up with the entertainment section of Hollywood. Gene and Betsy had gone to a lot of parties and premieres together, and looked very happy. There was even a picture of Betsy looking at Gene adoringly as he held his daughter in his arms outside their house. Their marriage had been rocky there for a while, like hers had been with Dave, but it seemed anything but right now. Judy knew one thing: she was in-love with a man who was not willing to leave his family, and here she was, separated, living alone and ready to have fun. They were just not on the same page anymore. She didn't want to distance herself form him, but it was the healthiest thing to do. But, then here he was, her best friend, best lover, making her feel things no one else could again. It was frustrating.

"Why the long face," Mickey asked as he got into the driver's side.

"Just some things on my mind. Let's go."

"Hold on. Gene!"

Judy watched as Gene put his finger up to Mickey signaling a minute.

"What are you doing?"

"I invited Gene to tag along and watch us do the 'Can You Use Me' retakes."

"Why," Judy asked a little anxious now.

"Because he said his recording got re-scheduled. And he was already here. What's the problem?"

"No problem," Judy forced a cheery voice as Gene came strutting over.

"Hop on, buddy," Mickey said and Gene hopped onto the seat behind them, "Here we go."

"Don't you two look cute," Gene teased at their costumes.

"Brooks Brothers," Mickey teased back as they rolled through the lot.

"And yours," Gene asked Judy.

"Chanel," she said monotoned but obviously being sarcastic.

"She wears a lot of pants in this film. I think it's a disgrace."

"Why, because we filmed in 112 degrees," she commented.

"No, 'cause you got a hellava pair of stems on ya, honey. I think you should show 'em, right Gene?"

"You know me, Mick, I'm a leg man, myself. And Judy's got the best pair I've ever seen."

"Can we please stop talking about my legs?"

"Why? What's got into you," Mickey asked a little concerned. He knew she loved her own legs, her greatest asset other than her voice, and found it confusing that she actually sounded annoyed.

"I'm just tired," she said softly, dusting invisible lint off her costume pants.

"I wonder why," Gene said in more of a statement than a question. Mickey didn't detect any difference in Gene's voice but Judy did, and she looked at him slyly over her shoulder.

The disdain of her look at him made Gene's smile quickly go away and he was the one furrowing his brow now.

"So, uh, how was filming in Palm Springs," he asked changing the subject.

"Hot as hell."

"You're the one that wanted to have a filming 'vacation', darling."

"Well, I didn't know it would be the devil's layer. We had sandstorms too."

"Did you really?"

"Yeah, we had to shut production down for a few days. Judy took advantage of that, didn't ya, Judes," he said elbowing her flirtatiously.

"Be quiet, Mickey," Judy warned.

"What, you're single now. This one ran off with her new boyfriend."

Judy quickly looked at Gene, who looked unfazed, and then placed her hand up to her head embarrassed.

"She missed the first day back. You know who was PISSED, but she said it was worth it, if ya know what I mean," he laughed, "Can't blame her. She needs to have some fun again, right Gene?"

"Right," he simply stated.

"I can't speak any differently. When Ava and I started going together, I missed some days, too. Shit happens."

Judy was silent the rest of the ride.

"And CUT! That was amazing, guys. Print that. Judy, honey, Mick, take a break while we set up the camera for a different angle," replacement Director, Norman Tourag, shouted from a distance.

Judy plopped into her director chair and her assistant handed her a glass of water with a straw.

"That's a fun scene," Gene commented as he pulled up his seat next to her.

"You're still here," she giggled before taking a sip of water.

"Nothing better to do. Besides, I like watching you work. It's much easier to do when I don't have to be in the scene."

"What do you think?"

"I think it's fun. You sure look like you're having fun."

"I really am."

They were both silent a long moment when Judy started feeling antsy. There was tension energy between them and she didn't like it.

"Gene, what Mickey said earlier about..."

"Joe," he interjected. She looked over at him wide-eyed and he went on, "I know."

"How do you know?"

"Word travels fast around here...even from Palm Springs." Suddenly, Judy's face looked like she had many questions, but before she could speak, he took her hand, "Let's talk. But not here."

He looked completely calm and unfazed which baffled her,  but also made her relax, "Okay. Um, I'm going to Ciro's with a few friends tonight to see Lena sing."

"What time are you going?"

"10."

"I'm doing pool with some fella's tonight. I'll just meet you at your place after. What time do you think you'll be back?"

"I'll come home around 1:30 or so."

"Sounds good," he said and patted her leg before getting up, "Tell Mick I said bye and thanks for the invite. You look beautiful by the way."

As Judy watched him walk away, she smiled. With just a simple comment like that from him, her confidence boosted ten-fold which she knew would radiate on screen. It always did.

Gene was absolutely content. He was laying in Judy's hammock in her backyard. It softly swayed with the summer evening wind, her rose bushes filled his nostrils as crickets chirped and the water from her small fountain pond added to the ambience. It all reminded him of her. He wanted to stay there forever but knew that couldn't be done.

"There you are," he suddenly heard her voice above him.

"Here I am," he spoke before opening his eyes.

"How long have you been here?"

"Oh, about twenty minutes. Pool ended early. You know how much I love it out here. Thought I'd catch some sleep before you returned."

"Sorry to cut your nap short," she replied as she carefully got onto the hammock with him. He adjusted to accommodate her and she immediately snuggled into his side.

Gene checked his watch, "It's only midnight. Why are you back so early? Weren't having fun?"

"I was...until the Trifecta walked in."

"No," he said shocked.

Everyone involved in the studio system in Hollywood knew the 'Trifecta' referred to the three Presidents of the three most popular studios: Louis B. Mayer, of MGM, Darryl Zanuck of Twentieth Century-Fox and of J. Cowdin of Universal.

"Yeah."

"Since when the hell does Mayer go out to nightclubs?"

Judy nodded, "That's what I was thinking, too."

"And since when the hell do all three of those men get together? They're like sworn enemies."

"Gene, you should have seen everybody. It was hysterical. They practically emptied the joint. Everyone left."

"They probably planned that so all their players would go home to sleep so they're not late to film the next day."

"It was very strange to see them walk in together, all chummy."

"Well, maybe they're planning on taking over the world."

Together, they swayed gently, enjoying each other's warmth and comfort. Gene suddenly regretted that he invited himself over so they could talk, as he was enjoying the silence, but then she spoke.

"Are you angry about me spending time with Joe?"

Oh, she wanted to talk, too.

"Did I give you that reaction?"

"That's not an answer."

Gene opened his eyes to find her head lifted, looking at him nervously.

"No, I'm not angry. I don't have the authority to be."

"What do you mean?"

"We're not exclusive. I'm a married man. You're single. So, you had another summer rendezvous. It is what it is."

"Are you jealous?"

Gene couldn't help but chuckle. He knew she wanted him to be, but she also knew he was, "Of course. I'm very protective of you honey."

"Is that why you were the way you were last night, because you heard about me spending time with another man?"

"No, but the way I was how?"

"Just...intense and almost desperate," judging by his confound expression she went on, "I enjoyed it so much, I don't have to tell you that, but it felt different. It was almost like it was the last time."

Gene just stared at her a moment before licking his bottom lip anxiously as he sat them up.

"That's because it kind of was," he didn't dare look at her, "I mean, in the months we've been apart, Bets and I have been getting along better. It's almost like how we were in New York. And we're enjoying each other with our daughter. I've seen you go and enjoy yourself with another man, as you should. It's your God-given right as a soon-to-be divorced woman. I just thought, you know maybe it was a good time for us to distance ourselves from each other ...um, physically right now."

Judy knew this was a serious conversation, but how nervous he was made her nerves instantly disappear. She actually giggled. Her giggle alerted him though, and he finally looked up at her with wide eyes as if she were about to start a fight.

"You know, darling," she giggled again, "For two people who are in different chapters of life, we're on the same page. Throughout the summer, I saw pictures of you and Betsy out and about in magazines, and with your beautiful baby, and even though we hadn't talked, I knew things were better for you. And I felt happy for you. I actually couldn't believe it. I thought, my marriage ended and now yours is getting better. I should have been jealous. But then Joe came around again, and I've been having a lot of fun with him. It was then that I thought maybe since we are in different circumstances now, that maybe we should focus on our own futures apart...for now at least. I don't really want you to go away."

"I'm not going anywhere. As a friend, and companion, you're it for me baby. And as a lover...well it's never off the table. There's something between us, some type of connection, I can't quite explain, but I know it's a lifetime worth."

Judy smiled and leaned over kissing him, "I love you."

"I love you, too," he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, "Last night, I gotta confess, I also wanted to make you never forget how I made you feel."

Judy's eyes reflected off the moonlight as she looked at him impishly as she stood up. She held her hand out for him and he took it, standing up.

"Where are we going?"

"You got your last time last night, now it's my turn."

He stopped yanking her hand abut. She turned and wrapped her arms around his waist, her chin raised as she smiled up at him. His crows feet deepened as he smiled wickedly, "What are you going to do?"

"Make you​ never forget how I made you feel."

She raised up on her tippy toes and have him a peck on the lips before walking towards her patio door. Gene stood there a sec, completely transfixed, and aroused, by the sultry voice and implication she used.

Turning around, noticing he wasn't following, she looked at him with raised eyebrow, "Come on, let's go."

When she disappeared through the door, Gene felt his erection harden, and he let out a naughty chuckle before following her inside.

[vrednic]

COLLATERAL DAMAGE (PT. 2)

Teen Wolf x Vampire Diaries AU

Prompt: Teen Wolf, but with a twist. Scott McCall has a twin sister… and she falls in love with Derek Hale.

Summary: After Scott refuses to join his pack, Peter Hale turns Serena McCall into a werewolf. Will her transformation be for better… or for worse?

Word Count: 3,285

Author’s Note: This series will skim the events of seasons 1-3. I have a lot of content planned, so there will be some skipping around at certain points, but it will all work in unison, I promise! I hope you all enjoy part 2! Please let me know if you’d like to be added to my taglist. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading :)

*PART ONE IS HERE. *

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Werewolves.

The topic of lycanthropy was one I hadn’t visited since freshman year english. I thought back to the unit of Greek mythology, and how we had been assigned research projects on famous Greek myths. My english teacher gave us the liberty to choose our own myths, and I had naively chosen Lycaon of Arcadia. Lycaon, the king of Arcadia, attempted to trick Zeus into eating human flesh, testing to see if he was truly all-knowing. Angered by Lycaon’s blasphemous actions, Zeus punished Lycaon by turning him into a wolf.

Oh, the irony of it all.

For the past three weeks, I have been given gradual insight into the world of the supernatural. The full moon was fast-approaching, and I needed to learn everything I could as quickly as possible. I wasn’t yet sure how I felt about my transformation. I was amazed at how quickly I began noticing changes. Overnight, it seemed, my senses had been dialed up to a thousand. I was stronger, faster, and more confident. I could smell, hear, and sense things other people couldn’t. One of the most fascinating things about my newfound abilities was that my body’s healing process was nearly instantaneous. The only downside of it was that I had yet to experience the brutality of the full moon. I was afraid that I would see things differently after, that I’d realize that I’d never be able to control it. Would my supernatural powers really be worth being enslaved to an insatiable bloodlust every month? Would it be worth putting my friends and loved ones at risk, especially when one slip-up could mean death for any and all of them?

I had been training tirelessly with Scott every day since I was bitten. Before school, after school, and during free periods. He had effectively taught me how to make my claws appear and disappear at will, how to partially shift into my werewolf form, how to follow scents, how to decipher chemo-signals, and how to trigger the healing process of an injury using pain. I was impressed with my progress, but I knew that I had only been exposed to bits and pieces of the extensive supernatural spectrum that I was now a part of. I had always been good at the technical side of things, so I knew that learning the basics of lycanthropy wasn’t going to be an issue. I considered myself to be on the smart side-- I had no problem displaying resourcefulness or creativity or administering critical thinking in complex situations. One thing I wasn’t very good at, however, was regulating my emotions.

When our parents got divorced, Scott and I handled things very differently. He was always a mama’s boy, and I was a daddy’s girl. Our father was an alcoholic and a cheater; something I knew all too well, but was also something I wanted to remain oblivious to. I’m assuming this realization is what made it easier for Scott to hate him, to be okay with moving on without him. It was harder for me to cope with his absence because our dad had always been my rock -- my hero --  and I couldn’t picture him ever hurting anyone. Especially me.

The night my mom kicked my dad out of the house for good, he had come home drunk. He instigated an argument with her over something, as usual. But with them it was never just an argument; it always ended up with them screaming at each other. Scott and I shared a room back then, and it was located right by the staircase, which was where they happened to be arguing that night. Not surprisingly, their heated voices turned into shouts, and we were both awoken. We peered through a crack in the door as our parents fought. My dad could barely keep his balance; his cheeks were flushed, his eyes crazy, violent words spewing from his mouth fueled by intoxication. I remembered vividly how he had lost his composure and grabbed my mother by the neck, slamming her against the wall. I let out an audible gasp and stood frozen in horror. Scott flung the door open and rushed into the hall, immediately wedging himself between our mother and father. My dad grabbed Scott’s arm, attempting to pull him out of the way, but yanked my brother with too much force. He was flung against the railing of the staircase, and he tumbled down the stairs. He was unconscious at the bottom of the stairs for maybe 30 seconds, and when he came to, he didn’t remember a thing. My mother ushered us back into our room and put us into bed. I fell asleep crying that night, but I didn’t know exactly for whom I was crying. Had it been for my brother? Had it been for my mother? For the loss of my dad? Or was it for me?

I hadn’t had the chance to say goodbye to him. I woke up the following morning, expecting him to be there, bags in tow, waiting to talk to us one last time. But he was already gone. I knew he didn’t deserve it, but I couldn’t help but miss him. When the plea for divorce was initiated, there was never a discussion about shared custody or visitations. Once the divorce was finalized, I knew that he was never coming back. It was because of his betrayal and abandonment that I grew up with issues when it came to trusting people. I was filled with this deep, aching feeling of isolation, and it made me angry. Very. As I grew older, I got better at suppressing it, but I knew that somewhere deep down, it was still there. With the full moon prodding and poking at my resolve and self control, I knew it was only a matter of time before those feelings resurfaced.

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The day of my first full moon, I felt the effects as soon as I got out of bed in the morning. I felt my heartbeat rising with every breath that I took. When I got to school, my senses immediately began to feel overstimulated. Everything was brighter, louder, and more jarring. The sound of the bell ringing made me feel like someone was hammering nails into my skull. The people I passed in the hallway blurred together, all of their emotions and scents hitting me like a door to  the face. At lunch, the sound of people’s voices and laughter made me want to tear their heads off. I looked around the cafeteria, feeling myself grow angrier and angrier, for seemingly no reason at all. Rationally, I knew that these people had done nothing wrong. Emotionally, they were the piece of gum stuck under my shoe. My gaze locked on Jackson Whittemore, and I fantasized about how good it would feel to tear his tongue right out of his head. He had always been an asshole to my brother, so why shouldn’t I kill him? It would be extremely satisfying to watch the smug look on his face disappear as I stood over him, my hands drenched in his blood, as I began to tear him limb from limb…

“Uh, Serena? Are you okay?”

Scott’s voice brought me back to reality. I was suddenly overcome with anxiety as I realized the vile intrusive thoughts that I was just experiencing. What was the matter with me? This wasn’t me. I wasn’t a killer. Only, maybe that wasn’t exactly true anymore.

I nodded, fabricating a smile. “Yeah, no, everything’s great. I was just thinking about my research paper for… biology. It’s due tomorrow and I have no clue where to start.”

“That’s fair,” he said. “But remember that it’s perfectly okay for you to be feeling on edge today. It’s your first full moon and I promise nobody will blame you for not feeling or acting like yourself.”

I felt the tension in my shoulders ease ever-so-slightly. I nodded once more, reassuring him that I was in fact okay. I felt better knowing that out of all of the things that had changed, our sibling bond hadn’t. He’d be there with me to make me feel safe and to teach me control. Before long, I would be able to be just like him. I trusted him, and I knew he had faith in me. That meant only one thing: I had to have faith in me too.

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Later in the evening, as the sun was setting, I began feeling the effects of the full moon amplifying. My heartbeat was nearly erratic and Scott was nowhere to be found. I was in the bathroom, standing over the sink and looking at myself in the mirror. There was a flicker of golden yellow in my eyes, and I nearly sobbed out of pure anxiety alone. I balled my hands into fists, trying to focus on anything other than the impending sense of dread that I was experiencing. I felt a warm, slippery substance course down my wrist. Blood.

I opened my fist up, revealing four deep punctures on both of my palms, where my claws had dug into. The temporary flicker of pain was small, but enough to bring me out of the frenzy. I took this opportunity to set out to find Scott.

I didn’t remember the way to the Hale house all too well, but what I did remember was its scent. The smell of charred wood and smoke would be very hard to miss. I maneuvered my way through the darkness, making sure every step I took was careful and calculated. Scott had mentioned that Beacon Hills Preserve was littered with traps set by hunters. It was also a full moon, so I knew there would not be any shortage of hunters roaming around town tonight, hoping to catch and kill their next supernatural victim.

As if on cue, I heard voices from a distance. By the sound of it, there were maybe four or five of them, all men. I swallowed, trying to think of an escape plan. I couldn’t run. It was fall, and the weight of my body against the leaves on the ground would give my location away immediately. I could have hidden, but I knew that they probably had some sort of a thermographic camera. If they happened to get me in one of the shots, I would have considered myself dead.

I tried to weigh any and all other options, but I had none. The best chance at escape that I had right now was simply to run. They sounded far away enough so that even if they did hear me, my superhuman speed would give me an advantage. I decided that now was as good a time as any, and began moving. I tried to keep to the shadows, not daring to make any unnecessary sounds. I noticed too late that I had no idea where I was going. I looked around me, but I couldn’t pinpoint any familiar landmarks. I could have sworn that I was heading back in the direction I came, but judging by my surroundings, that wasn’t the case. I stopped for a moment, attempting to gather my thoughts.

“Come on, Serena,” I whispered to myself. “Think.”  

I was jolted away from my thoughts when I saw a red light from my peripheral vision. I was frozen, completely unsure what to do. More red lights emerged from the darkness, pointing straight at me. Lasers. It was then that instinct spoke to me, telling me to run. And that’s exactly what I did.

I turned on my heel and bolted away from where the hunters had been. I didn’t take the time to care about the tracks or the noise I left in my wake. I had the advantage of speed, but they had the advantage of knowledge and experience. These were professional killers. I wouldn’t be surprised if they knew what move I’d make next even before I did. Through the commotion, I almost forgot why I had been in the woods in the first place. The fury of the full moon hit me, unforgiving. It was as if she allowed me only a few moments of peace before the storm. I looked up at the sky and the moon glimmered at its peak. Almost instantaneously I was overcome with an animalistic urge to go back and rip the head off of every single hunter that was on my trail.

My claws and fangs appeared as if by magic, and my eyes were aglow. I felt angry-- so angry. But it was that anger that gave me power. I felt strong… unstoppable. Against all rational thought, I turned back around, using my infrared eyes to see through the darkness. A few rows of trees ahead was where I spotted them. Two of them were kneeled down, examining the tracks that I had left behind, judging the direction I must have taken. The other three were behind them, standing guard. They looked around, weapons drawn, ready to fire at any given moment.

I growled. It was a sound that conveyed equal parts rage and purpose. I was hiding behind a tree, looking for the perfect moment to attack. Just as I was about to launch myself in their direction, a pair of hands snagged me from behind with tremendous force. Before I could growl or scream, the person used one hand to cover my mouth and tucked me against his chest, making sure our bodies were still shielded by the tree. I tipped my head back to see who it was, and was met with the fiery gaze of Derek Hale.

He broke eye contact first and peered over my head, trying to come up with an escape tactic. His stone cold composure made it clear that it wasn’t his first time evading death by the hands of werewolf hunters. I, on the other hand, was terrified. I felt an equal amount of shame and embarrassment once I realized how foolish I had been. It was a night of the full moon and I wasn’t in control, for one. I also felt extremely stupid for walking into woods that were infested with hunters; ones that wouldn’t hesitate to put a bullet between my eyes. Another shame-inducing component was the fact that Derek just had to be the one to find me. I had gotten a brief description of him from Scott, so I knew that he was hardcore. He also hated liabilities, and at the moment, that’s exactly what I was.

“Now’s not the time to wallow in shame,” he whispered to me, his voice gruff. “If you hadn’t noticed, they’ve got us completely surrounded. It’s a miracle they haven’t seen us yet.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but he cut me off. “Don’t bother denying it. The smell of embarrassment is rolling off of you like a stench.”

Your commentary isn’t exactly helping, I wanted to say to him. But I knew better than to push his buttons, especially when we were on the brink of being discovered. I kept my back against the tree, waiting for further instructions. After a few minutes, Derek finally spoke again.

He lowered his mouth next to my ear, his warm breath sending a tingling sensation onto my neck and down my back. “On my signal, you run. I’ll stay behind and cause a distraction so you can get away.” He pointed behind him to another row of trees. “Run that way. Get out of the woods as fast as you can.”

Before I could get a word out, he was gone. He roared loudly, capturing the attention of the hunters that resided a few yards away. As they ran to him, he turned back to look at me, flashing his icy blue eyes. That was my cue. I took off running in the direction he had said. I heard the commotion of the fight almost the entire way. Growls and roars from Derek’s end were met with the sound of guns firing. I found myself secretly hoping that he would be okay, although in the back of my mind I knew he would be. He was Derek Hale, after all.

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I made it out of the preserve after only a handful of minutes of running. At the end of the treeline, right where the road started, a vehicle’s headlights cut through the darkness. The closer I got, the more details I could make out. It was a blue 1980 Jeep CJ5. Standing beside it were two silhouettes, both male. I let out a sigh of relief.

I jogged the rest of the way and launched myself into Scott’s arms. He squeezed me tightly and ushered me into the Jeep. Stiles drove onto the road, taking the route that led back to my house. Scott turned to look at me from the passenger’s seat.

“Why the hell were you in the woods?” He asked. His tone was firm but still held a touch of delicacy. We both knew it was more for my sake than his. “Didn’t I tell you about the hunters? The preserve is not a safe place for a werewolf on a night of a full moon. Argent and his hunters have memorized every square inch of those woods. You’re lucky Derek found you when he did. If he hadn’t, I’m sure Gerard would’ve turned you into a human kebab by now.”

I felt my throat tighten in frustration. “The imagery really isn’t necessary. I know what I did was stupid, and I’m sorry, but I didn’t know what else to do. I felt like I was losing control and you weren’t there, Scott!” My voice caught on his name, and I had to take a few moments to collect myself. “You weren’t there and, quite frankly, I have no one else to turn to on this. I don’t have a best friend like yours. I don’t have one that’ll pick up my call in the middle of the night and be willing to be a part of the world of the supernatural. I don’t have a best friend who’ll chain me up on a full moon and help me find restraint. I was all alone in my home, which I could have easily torn apart if I had lost control of myself tonight. I was counting on you to help me, and you weren’t there.”

The air was thick with tension. I could sense the sadness emanating from both Scott and Stiles. I felt guilty for taking all of my frustration out on my brother, but everything I said was true, and I wasn’t going to apologize for how I felt. Scott was a natural leader, and I admired that about him. Being a leader meant taking on responsibilities, and I understood that he wouldn’t be around all the time. Over the weeks following my transformation, I got a chance to see just how much people needed him.  Peter wanted him in his pack. Derek wanted him as an ally. Stiles wanted him as a best friend. Hell, even the lacrosse team needed him as team captain. But tonight was the one night that I needed him. I needed my brother, and he wasn’t there.

“I’m so sorry, Serena. I can do better, I promise. If you’ll just let me--” he began.  

“No,” I said, cutting him off. “I don’t want to talk. Just take me home.”

With that, I turned to face the window, looking at the blur of lights, cars, houses, and dark, desolate streets passing me by. Scott sighed, but he didn’t protest.

We rode in silence the entire way back.

TAGS

@broco8

[miracleonice87]

Say You Won’t Let Go

a Sidney Crosby wedding series

Part 1

a/n: here’s part 1 of ??? ! It won’t be a long series, maybe 2 or 3 parts, but I just want to keep the door open for more!

summary: a Pittsburgh royal wedding. Juliette Lemieux (100% made up) is the niece of Pittsburgh legend Mario Lemieux, who is practically a father to her. She falls in love with Sidney Crosby after meeting him as a college student while living in Pittsburgh. this series tells the story of their fairytale wedding weekend.

warnings: brief mention of deceased family member. otherwise, so damn fluffy it’s practically cotton candy.

_____

I burst through the door of my uncle’s palatial home to find him standing in the grand entryway waiting for me, my aunt and four cousins not far behind him.

“Bonjour!” I greeted them, scurrying toward my uncle’s open arms. He pulled me into his six-foot-four frame, a whole foot taller than my own, for a warm hug with a wide smile on his face, one that looked so much like my late father’s. A sharp pang went through my heart at the thought, causing me to hold onto him tighter.

“Juliette! Bonjour, princesse,” Mario said warmly, kissing the top of my head. “Tu es si belle!” (You look so beautiful!) he exclaimed, pulling back and holding my smaller hands in his large ones. I beamed.

“Merci, oncle,” (Thank you, uncle) I thanked him, dropping my head a bit bashfully as he took in the sight of me, dressed in a classic white sheath dress and strappy nude heeled sandals. I could see the tears forming in the corners of his eyes as he stared at me. I knew just what he was thinking.

“Don’t start crying already, or I’ll be crying for the next 48 hours!” I warned, a laugh escaping me despite my and my uncle’s evident shared sadness over my father’s absence from this special moment.

“I’ll try my best,” Mario promised. All I could do was nod and squeeze his hands.

My aunt Nathalie enveloped me next, kissing my cheeks before audibly admiring my new diamond choker. I reached up to touch it and felt a blush creep onto my face at almost the same moment I felt a warm hand come from behind me and rest on my hip. I glanced in the familiar figure’s direction.

Sidney leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to my temple. I placed my palm flat against his stomach and gave him a bright grin.

“Thank you,” I said to Nathalie. “Sidney gave it to me before we left the house, as a wedding present,” I added softly, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth. As a rule, I never bragged to anyone about the extravagant gifts that my fiancé often lavished upon me, but I certainly didn’t mind giving Sidney full credit in front of only my aunt, who knew us both so well.

Nathalie’s eyes widened slightly and she gave Sidney’s upper arm a squeeze. “Well done, my boy! It’s so beautiful,” she praised. He kissed her cheek and said, “I have you to thank — every time I shop for jewelry, I hear your voice in my head.” Nathalie laughed. “You’ve always heeded my advice! Not that you needed much of it. You have wonderful taste — in jewelry and women,” she teased, giving us a wink.

Sidney and I both chuckled and then greeted my cousins excitedly — Lauren, Stephanie, Austin, and Alexa, with whom we were both incredibly close, with Sidney having lived with them for several years at the beginning of his career. We had that arrangement and Mario’s longtime mentorship of Sidney to thank for the two of us ever meeting in the first place.

Growing up, I had typically visited with Mario’s family three or four times each year, whether in Pittsburgh or in his and my shared hometown, just outside Montreal. My father, Mario’s oldest brother, had passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack at 45, when I was only 12, shattering my world during a crucial time in my adolescence. While my mother did her best to financially provide for me, an only child, she had always been emotionally unavailable to me — even when I was very young. I was always a daddy’s girl, making the loss of him that much more jarring. My mother shut down completely after my father’s death, and my aunt and uncle took notice immediately, worried for my well-being. They became my unofficial guardians and quasi-parents.

In the years that followed, I started to spend even more time in Pittsburgh with Mario, Nathalie, and my cousins, with my uncle quickly stepping in to fill the role of a father figure for me in place of his older brother. I was sandwiched between their two oldest, Lauren and Stephanie, age-wise, almost exactly. For many years, but particularly after my father’s death, I had lived with them for several months out of the year, around my school schedule.

Mario and Nathalie included me in every family vacation, holiday celebration, and birthday party possible, even purchasing my first car and paying for my private school and then college education. At 18, I decided to move to Pittsburgh officially to attend Duquesne University, just a block from the Penguins arena, as a marketing major, allowing me to spend much of my free time with my family at Mario’s house, where, at the tender age of 18, I met Sidney.

I owed nearly every good thing in my life to Mario and Nathalie, including intimately encouraging me to pursue a relationship with Sidney, after some initial reservations about our age difference, which quickly faded as they saw Sidney and I grow closer together. They had truly done it all for me, and now, they were throwing me a rehearsal dinner in their sprawling backyard in just a couple of hours, along with a wedding reception to follow tomorrow’s church ceremony.

As Mario walked out the back door to speak to some of the rental company employees finalizing the set-up of our beautiful tent and chairs for tonight’s dinner and tomorrow’s reception, and Nathalie and my cousins scattered to grab their belongings, Sidney pulled me to his body, his hand on my lower back. He simply stared at me with a satisfied look on his face, causing my pulse to quicken as I looped my arms around his neck.

“What are you thinking about, mon amour?” (my love) I inquired. Sidney shook his head slightly.

“Everything. How beautiful you look right now. How beautiful you’ll look tomorrow. How beautiful you’ll look when you’re carrying my baby,” he told me, placing soft kisses to my face between each thought. “How beautiful you’ll look with our little ones in your arms. How beautiful you’ll look when you’re 90.” I smoothed my fingers over the neat hair at the nape of his neck, a wide smile across my features.

“When I’m 90, you’ll be 97,” I offered, feeling as though I might burst into tears unless I broke up the moment with some levity. Sidney laughed loudly and then groaned. “Don’t remind me, please,” he begged. I leaned up to kiss his plump lips. “Okay, I won’t,” I whispered against his mouth, causing a soft moan to escape him.

Just as I pulled away from him, my maid of honor, ever the Type A event coordinator, called to us from across the spacious room.

“Come on, lovebirds,” Lauren teased, smiling. We both looked to her, still wrapped up in each others’ arms, and saw her tap the face of her gold watch. “We’ve gotta be at the chapel in 30 minutes and it’ll take every bit of that to make it,” she added.

“Leave them alone!” Alexa piped up, giggling as she adjusted her heels. “They were having a moment.” Her older brother rolled his eyes, grabbing his sunglasses from the coffee table in front of him.

“Have you met them?” Austin joked. “They’re always having a moment.” Nathalie appeared from the hallway, fastening the back of her earring, and mused, “And that’s why they’ll be married for the next hundred years.” She winked in our direction.

Sidney looked down at me and waggled his eyebrows, making me giggle. I smoothed my fingers over the collar of his crisp new white golf polo, which he had matched with a pair of navy blue slacks and loafers, a signature look of his.

“I suppose they’re right, my blushing bride,” he said. “Let me put my overnight bag in the guest room and we’ll be on our way.” I nodded as he pressed a kiss to my cheekbone and turned to pick up his leather travel bag near the door and took it to the basement, his former living quarters.

With both of us being fairly traditional people, we had agreed to sleep apart the night before the wedding to honor the age-old custom, despite having lived together for almost two years. To combat that complication, Sidney had insisted that I be the one to stay in our house for the night and that he stay at Mario’s, since he, my uncle, Austin, and Sidney’s father and groomsmen were meeting there the following morning anyway for a game of golf at the fabled Oakmont Country Club prior to the ceremony. He wanted me to feel as comfortable as possible as I got ready for our big day.

After a minute or so, Sidney’s hands came to rest on my waist from behind me, and I smirked to myself at how clingy and affectionate he had been these last several weeks as we prepared to begin our lives as husband and wife.

“You ready for this, Jules? There’s still time to run,” Sidney purred softly into my ear, kissing the skin there.

I turned to face him, holding his jaw in one hand. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily,” I murmured before kissing him long and hard.

[americanegg]

egg’s digestible guide for attainable rides: cyberpunk 2077

(cheap to mad expensive) post then later a (free quest cars) post

Car Model >  €$ (Fixer). All details about each are my own experience. Location of vehicle by district and waypoint.

(Reminder that if you’re short on eddies you can do Gigs, Sidequests, and “Assault in Progress” mini quests to get rich and level up.)

1. Thorton Galena G240 > €$ 13,000 (Regina)

Rusty hunk of junk but functional, especially after your car gets bodied in the beginning of Act 2. Located in the garage of your apartment building.

2. Makigai MaiMai P126 >  €$ 14,000 (Wakako)

Small. Super fucking small but decent and could turn into a red bullet on the highway at the cost of absolutely no control on your turns. Located in the southern part of Charter Hill, Westbrook sitting neatly in a small parking lot.

3. Mahir Supron FS3 >  €$ 16,000 (Reyes)

Sort of van type situation but compact. Cheap and definitely made of plastic. Like it says that in the lore. Located East from Hargreaves St waypoint in Arroyo.

4. Chevillon Thrax 388 Jefferson >  €$ 17,000 (Padre)

It’s a smooth ride, I’ll give Padre that. Long in length and takes years to turn with but it’s not made for street racing so it’s still decent for traffic and looking like a corpo. Located directly South of the Pumping Station waypoint in Wellsprings.

5. Villefort Columbus V340-F Freight >  €$ 19,000 (Dino)

Another van-type situation with plenty of seating. Could drive your kids to soccer with this one and get there in one piece. Average vehicle overall but can go 210mph if needed. Located SouthWest of the Downtown Central waypoint and sitting in a parking lot.

6. Thorton Galena “Gecko” >  €$ 21,000 (Dakota)

Found in the Badlands this is a great choice for rocky roads at 100mph. Go crazy and go stupid outside the city with this bad boy. Shred rubber and whatnot. Be wary of turns and speed in rocky areas as you can make as much airtime as a dirtbike on a ramp! Located SouthWest of the Old Turbines waypoint in the Eastern Badlands.

This is where Street Cred Level will come into play along with your pocket full of eddies:

(cred = streetcred level)

7. Kaiba Kusanagi CT-3X >  €$ 22,000 > 12 cred (Wakako)

Right after Jackie’s Arch, this is my favorite ride in the game. She’s sleek, perfect for bypassing traffic, and very well-designed. Located in an abandoned parking lot in Japantown, Westbrook directly NorthEast of the Skyline and Salinas waypoint.

8. Archer Quartz EC-L R275 > €$ 29,000 > 12 cred (Regina)

Another great set of wheels for burning rubber and kicking up sand in the Badlands, if you have the eddies for it. Located South of the Offshore St waypoint in Northside and immediately next to a Neutralize the Perps mini quest.

9. Chevillon Emperor 620 Ragnar >  €$ 32,000 > 12 cred (Dino)

First of the heavy duty SUV you acquire at 30k eddies. Didn’t drive this one very much since I’m a small and sleek kinda dude but if you need to ram a taxi or show off to your video game girlfriend your chunky ride, here is the car for you. Located in Corpo Plaza SouthWest of Arasaka Tower waypoint or NorthWest of Reconciliation Park waypoint.

10. Villefort Cortes V5000 Valor >  €$ 37,000 > 12 cred (Padre)

If you want to look like an asshole you can check this one out. Pretty much a bougie limosine type situation. Long car so long turns my guy. Located in Wellsprings, Heywood sitting in a parking lot West of Berkeley & Bay waypoint. 11. Thorton Colby C240T (aka Thorton Colby C125) >  €$ 39,000 > 20 cred (Regina)

Vehicles to pick up your gf/bf and go to a drive-in theater with? This one. Smooth ride with plenty of seating to do you know what at said drive-in theater definitely not watching Bushido 3. Located Northside, Westbrook South of the Docks waypoint in a small parking lot in front of the Ded Zed clothing store.

12. Thorton Colby CX410 Butte (Green) >  €$ 43,000 > 12 cred (Reyes)

Imma be honest... I’m a slut for Thorton car models. This one is straight up satisfying to my ears and eyes. Located in the parking lot of PieZ waypoint in Rancho Coronado, Santo Domingo.

13. Thorton Colby “Little Mule” >  €$ 49,000 > 12 cred (Dakota)

Truckin and fuckin around the Badlands? This is definitely the car for you!  Located near the Sunset Motel parking lot in the Eastern Badlands.

14. Quadra Type-66 Avenger >  €$ 55,000 > 20 cred (Dino)

Remember those Need for Speed games? No? Well imagine it for a second and look at this preem ride. Got that image in your mind? Now look at your wallet. Located West of Metro: Republic Way waypoint tucked under the Empathy club building.

15. Quadra Type-66 “Jen Rowley” (aka Quadra Type-66 640 TS)  >  €$ 58,000 > 20 cred (Reyes)

If you haven’t noticed, Quadra Type-66 are very good at designing cars that make you look like you shred these streets since you were a babe. Like, Baby from Baby Driver would fuck this ride up, you know it choom. Located West of Kendal Park waypoint in Rancho Coronado, no more than 2-minute walk away.

16. Villefort Alvarado V4F 570 Delegate >  €$ 62,000 > 20 cred (Padre)

Another Limo! I’ll be honest, six wheels on a car this low is crazy but Villefort always finds a way. This is the ride you’d drive to your corpo apartment to go pick up your corpo wife so you can take your corpo ride to a nearby corpo restaurant and only drink Spunky Monkey in a wine bottle. Located directly West of the Palms View Way waypoint in The Glen.

17. Herrera Outlaw GTS >  €$ 62,000 > 30 cred (Dino)

Limousine type body but god damn if it ain’t gorgeous to look at. A real sexy piece of wheels, this one. Located in Corpo Plaza, North of Ring Road waypoint. 

18. Quadra Type-66 “Javelina” >  €$ 73,000 > 30 cred (Dakota)

God am I a fan of rides that pick up hefts of sand and dirt? Yeah, I am. Do I love how this car looks? Absolutely. As a Nomad V, is this one of the sexiest rides you can get? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY. Located in Southern Badlands near the Protein Farm waypoint.

19. Mizutani Shion MZ2 >  €$ 75,000 > 30 cred (Regina)

Not gonna lie, this is the car that occupies my headspace every time I boot up Cyberpunk. Maybe it’s the name, maybe it’s the design, maybe it’s the car I would take to my honeymoon, idk. Located in the same garage as the Thorton Galena in Little China, Watson.

20. Quadra Type-66 “Cthulhu” >  €$ 76,000 > No cred requirement (Regina or Sampson)

Condition to receive for free: Sparing Samson in “The Beast In Me” side quest

Okay other than Beast which is a chonky beast this one is a very speedy beast with classic racecar features but bulky armor. The wiki literally says this ride has 666 horsepower so you KNOW this shit is gonna slap as soon as you get in and hear that engine, dawg.  Can be found in Little China, Watson in Megabuilding H10.

21. Brennan Apollo >  €$ 94,000 > 30 cred (Padre)

If you thought Jackie’s ARCH and the Yaiba Kusanagi was sexy boy you will not be disappointed. Smaller and more compact but a speedy on the highways and countryside. Side Effect is you’ll look like the coolest pizza delivery driver in Night City. Located in Vista Del Ray, Heywood a short walk away East of Delamain HQ waypoint. 22. Mizutani Shion “Coyote” >  €$ 115,000 > 20 cred (Dakota)

... Look at her. Just... just look at her. Look at those wheels, that build, the spoiler, look at her! I would own so many Hot Wheels and have her in a display case alright. Like, you know what you’re signing up for at 100k eddies for Dakota. Like this car that was originally used for scooting around the city was LITERALLY modded for the Badlands. As a Nomad this is a must-have. Located in the Eastern Badlands, North of the Sunshine Motel waypoint.

23. Thorton Mackinaw MTL1 >  €$ 128,000 > 30 cred (Reyes)

The most SUV that ever SUV’ed in Night City. Reyes calls you for this one and shit, it’s new, it’s spotless, it’s a shiny new car, and trouncing down Badlands, the streets of Kabuki, Pacifica, name it. This beaut does go maximum of around 150mph but with how big this bad boy is, it can charge through the highways but be wary of how you turn corners! Located around the block from the Red Dirt Bar waypoint to the East in Arroyo, Santo Domingo.

24. Quadra Turbo-R 740 >  €$ 129,000 > 30 cred (Wakako)

TURBO-TASTIC ride. Again, of racecar design, you can almost smell the 1980s nostalgia from the picture alone. Located in the Dynalar building/waypoint in Charter Hill, Westbrook.

25. ARCH Nazaré >  €$ 138,000 > 40 cred (Wakako)

Writing this guide up to this point I have discovered that Old Lady Wakako knows what “fucking nova” means because all the cars she offers are fucking bangers so of COURSE she would offer an ARCH bike like this bumblebee badboy. You can see all the fun bits in and around the bike to know what you’re getting into so expect some hella smooth sailing. Located on the way TO the Drive-In Theatre in the lot of the Gig: A Shrine Defiled. South of Drive-in Theatre, North Oak, Westbrook.

26. Rayfield Caliburn (White) >  €$ 157,000 > 40 cred (Dino)

Dino actually coming in clutch with this last call for vehicles he offers. Like, I had to look up what “hypercar” meant to logistically know how hype this car makes me every time I hit the gas. At high speeds the engines purr like a cat, which is a whole other satisfying experience after driving hunks of junk. Located West of the Corporation St. waypoint in Downtown, City Center.

27. Rayfield Aerondight S9 “Guinevere” >  €$ 225,000 > 50 cred (Wakako)

Um... so... this is- this is the last car from Wakako. I haven’t even gotten to the point of being able to afford this... this... work of art. I can only imagine, with the Rayfield brand, that it’s better than the Caliburn. Which I don’t even think that’s possible but once I buy it I’ll let you know. Located North of the Columbariam or directly West of the North Oak Sign waypoints in North Oak, Westbrook.

Yo, if this guide helps you or makes your day or think it’s absolutely genius or dogshit don’t forget to like/reblog! Share with your friends!

Free Vehicle Post coming soon!

Images from gamesatlas.com, cyberpunk.fandom.com, & game-maps.com

[5-falsehoods-phonated]

Out of the House

Series summary: Ever the paranormal enthusiast Remus is excited when he finds an abandoned house creepy enough to have ghosts in it with no chance of being caught trespassing. He quickly finds himself in over his head however when his fantasies come true, fighting to solve a mystery with the only possible outcome being losing someone he comes to love.

Platonic dukexiety focus

This series was created for dukexiety week 2021. I’m posting after but here is the list of prompts!

Chapter 2: I’ll be by Your Side

Chapter Summary: Remus goes back to the house in the hopes of making contact with the entity the resides in it. Unsurprisingly, his attempts are not appreciated.

Pairings: Platonic Dukexiety (Remus & Virgil), background Lociet (Logan x Janus)

Day 1 Prompt: Swapping

Warnings: mild swearing, mild sexual innuendos, injury and violence, distorted text, paranormal events. If there are others please let me know!

WC: 3441

AO3 link

Main masterlist

Remus fumbled for the light as he shot up in bed, bloodshot eyes fighting through the urge to close as he scanned every corner of the suddenly too bright room. This had been the routine every hour on the hour no matter how much he tried to ignore the growing paranoia and simply stay asleep. The task, as it turned out, was much easier said than done when phantom glass still pricked at his skin and echoing screams rang in his ears so loudly tik could hardly sort his own thoughts out if tik could concentrate enough to have any. Finally satisfied that the shadows weren’t hiding anything Remus allowed tiks head to drop into his hands, groaning in frustration and kicking the tangled blankets off his legs. He doubted he’d be able to get any more sleep of any decent quality so tik may as well just get up and get the day started. It would be a long one after all.

The clock on the stove glared a bright 4:30 in his face accusingly as tik went about getting the coffee pot cleaned and set up. Logan always said the way he used it would break it or tik sooner than later but after three years it still worked just fine so he had no problems patting down three cups of bustelo espresso into the filter and letting it run through before pouring the brewed coffee back into the back and allowing it to brew through the grounds a second time, filling the apartment with the scent of strong slightly burned heaven.Too much creamer in a mug the size of a cereal bowl later and he was sat down on the old couch Roman had let him keep when they moved out of their dorm, computer booting up on the table as he absently dug between the cushions for a fidget toy he knew had to be lost someone in the abyss.

Abandoning the fetch quest to bring up google he stared at the screen intently for a few moments tryin to figure out exactly what it was he was trying to figure out. He’d seen the ghost shows, been to scenes, read the spooky and “informative” books- he thought he had known what he would do if he ever actually saw a ghost in real life. Now that he had...obviously tik didn’t know the first thing about anything. It had to be a poltergeist that much tik knew. They were violent and loud and could manipulate their surroundings, even if in all the supposedly real footage he’d ever seen that wasn’t part of a show there had never been anything quite as destructive and hostile as the being in that house. 

But it was a starting point and that would have to be enough for now. Maybe tik could just…

Okay well, typing in “poltergeist” yielded nothing but cheesy movies. He already knew what one was so a definition wouldn’t help…maybe “how to calm a poltergeist?”

Poltergeist activity typically starts with minor isolated incidents. Remus snorted as tik reached p to tug on his bandaged ear. Typically yes, but this wasn’t tiks wallet being misplaced every now and again. Clicking off the article he scrolled down a bit until he came to another that sounded a bit more promising. Establishing Contact With the House Entity. A bit more on the nose than he would have thought was necessary but sometimes the more obvious something was the more straightforward information you could find.

While there are many ways to know whether or not there is a presence in your home the first signs usually start out subtle. General uneasiness is among the most commonly reported- as well as a feeling of being watched or perhaps seeing something flicker just outside the limits of your vision- on;y to find as you turn your head that nothing is waiting for you to find. When it comes to feeling safe within your home it’s best to trust your gut when things feel amiss, and trust it as soon as possible no matter how “crazy” you may think the feelings are. Better to accept a spirit or ghost has entered your life and deal with it as soon as possible than to be too late to do anything at all should things take a turn for the worst.

Rolling tiks eyes at the wording, Remus grabbed up his coffee mug only to realize he must have drained it already without realizing, sighing heavily before getting up for a refill. The apartment was quiet and while tik normally didn’t mind it was setting him on edge this morning, the walls seeming to creep closer anytime he wasn't looking and threatening to trap him in a prison with nothing but his thoughts. Thoughts of shadows that caught his ankles and glass filled winds that ripped his face and shredded his eyes so he couldn’t tell what was real or not while the walls pressed his arms painfully against his ribs until they popped like old sticks and his lungs floated like balloons to escape the hell he had created and still the screaming continued to get louder and louder until it deafened him with blood dripped down his neck and nothing but the vibrations against his skin indicated that they were still screaming to get out get out get-

Remus jerked his head up and startled as his phone peeled away from his face and fell to the floor, still vibrating merrily oblivious of his distress. Looking around confused he straightened his back the rest of the way, groaning in pain as tiks spine popped from his bent in half position he’d been holding for god knows how long. Rubbinghis eyes he remembered his phone and snatched it up just as it stopped vibrating, five missed calls and a few texts filling the home screen all from Janus who as far as Remus could tell had gone from scolding him for sleeping in to asking in his sarcastic/worried way if he had died at the house yesterday and if he should check on tiks ghost. 

Checking the time revealed it was currently 9:00, which meant that not only was he an hour late for the only class he has that day but that there would honestly be no point in going so he may as well just act sick and hope Janus wouldn’t be suspicious. He last thing he needed or wanted was getting an “I told you so” about how ghost hunting was going to make him sick with stress one day and he needed a proper sleep schedule and no coffee doesn’t count towards daily hydration and stop double brewing it, you’ll die of a heart attack at twenty-five. Pressing tiks lips in a thin line he shot a text apologizing and saying he had over-exerted himself running so much yesterday so he’d stayed home to rest. A bit of a stretch considering he’d been in track for long enough that a couple of full out sprints with obstacles in one day really wouldn’t have done much but Janus didn’t know that....probably.

-----

The most effective way to establish contact would be through something simple. A twist on/off flashlight is a good place to start as long as you’re clear with your intentions. Turn it on and do a wide sweep of the room you suspect the entity is in, stating in a clear voice that “on means yes and off means no”. Ask clear, deliberate questions while paying attention to the flashlight- the simpler the question the easier the entity will find it to respond. Any electrical equipment you can get- voice and EVP recorders, cameras, thermometers, infrared detectors- anything and everything you have at your disposal can and should be used. The more data there is to work with the closer you’ll be to figuring out what you’re dealing with and how to get it to leave.

The rest of the article had devolved into talk about smudging and priests and offerings to get the spirit to move on- none of which Remus would be using unless whatever it was expressed interest in doing so. He just wanted to know what and who it was and maybe figure out why they had stayed so long after the house had emptied. There was a story there, tik knew it, and his curiosity wasn’t about to let it go until he knew as much of it as possible. 

He adjusted his motorcycle helmet one last time before stepping into the house and  quietly shutting the door behind him. If tik was going to be attacked again tik was going to make damn sure he’d leave with minimal injuries and both of his eyes- he still couldn’t quite shake the nightmare from this morning and for once would rather take the safe route than risk getting blinded by a glass tornado- ignoring the question of how he would even explain that at the hospital. The house was silent and still, no indication that there had ever been anything in it all yesterday save for the scuffed boot marks beside the wall where he had scraped tiks soles against it trying to get away from the stairwell.

Said stairwell was cheerily lit as usual, sunlight streaming through the ruined window and spilling over the steps in a way he’d find ironically funny if his hands weren’t shaking slightly at the mere thought of trying to climb them. Protecting his face from glass wasn’t the only reason he had worn the helmet; he had surmised earlier that the easiest way to communicate with the ghost would be to get to where they hid when they weren’t shooing people out. So tik had to get up the stairs, rickety and falling in and probably going to kill him or not. He’d even dressed light for the occasion hoping the shedded weight would make it easier, trading his usual platforms for worn doc martins with none of the layers of clothing and chains he was known for. A t-shirt, green corduroy jacket and ripped jeans was as far as he went, thanking whatever god there was that Logan and Janus hadn’t seen him as they’d never let tik live it down. He doubted they’d seen him out of his punk-esque style in a decade and he preferred to keep it that way. 

Taking a deep breath, tik carefully placed tiks foot on the first step near the wall where he assumed the least amount of damage would be. His foot didn’t break through with his weight like before so, taking it as a good sign, he braced himself against the wall and moved to the second step. Icd shot through tiks veins suddenly as he whipped his head around in search of the eyes he felt raking his back, but of course there was nothing to see. No nails or glass screeching through the air, no shadows dripping from the crevices he could barely make out through the ooze. Just an empty, unassuming house.

Remus tried not to dwell on the fact that in comparison to yesterday the silence left him more unsettled than being attacked would have.

Tik continued on, practically flattening himself against the wall as tik took it one step at a time, wincing as every creak echoed through the silence and only served to further raise the hair along his arms leaving his nerves electrified. Three quarters of the way of the step split down the middle from the wall to the railing, tils heart beating madly against his chest as he waited for it to collapse underneath him and leave him a bloody heap at the bottom. He took his weight off slowly and shifted to the next step up instead which seemed much more stable. Tik was acutely aware it was growing darker, the sun dimming around the edges as shadows began to ooze, so he tried his best to hurry his shimmy  as best he could to try and beat the inevitable. 

Blatantly ignoring the way his boots kept catching on nothing he finally reached the top step. Sighing in relief and closing his eyes for a second, tik dug the flashlight out of his pocket and stepped forward….only to bump his foot against the bottom step.

“What the fuck?” He was on the first floor again, the sun shining merrily at the top and spilling over the clearly visible stairs. Not a shadow in sight. “Okay, then I won’t blink. Needed the exercise anyway ghostie.”

He went up much faster this time, holding his staring contest with the railing like his life depended on it. As the air grew cold and tiks joints stiff he was starting to think it might. Tripping his way up the stairs as his vision began to tunnel he slammed his foot perhaps a tad more decisely than was appropriate on the top step. Tik grinned and stood up straight, making his way towards the corner to finally see what awaited him down the hall- and smashed his nose into the front door.

Nostrils flaring, Remus spun on his heel and marched his way back to the steps and slammed the flashlight on to shine it up the stairs. Tik took a moment to calm tikself and remember to control tiks volume. Yelling probably wouldn’t be the best tithing to do considering he’d nearly gotten an impromptu piercing yesterday just from sitting down. “Very impressive mind games but Janus could do better in his sleep.”

If the entire house darkening for a few seconds before returning to normal was a response that was probably something Remus should have thought more about before speaking. He leaned against the far wall and started again. “Look, I’ve never seen a ghost before so this is cool and shit but- they’re gonna be tearing this place down soon- I’m not sure they could fix and sell it in the state it’s in. Will you be stuck here when they do?”

The house was deathly silent as he waited, flashlight momentarily forgotten before he nearly dropped it. “Oh right! You have no problems manipulating objects so- on is yes, off is no....or maybe- one blink for yes to for no? I won’t ask anything too complicated I swear-”

Tik was cut off by the tool being ripped from his hands and catapulted into the far wall, bulbs smashing and batteries exploding out from the other end. He watched the plastic case clatter to the ground and roll away past his field of sight. While he wasn’t exactly sure which answer the entity had picked he was pretty sure it translated roughly to “fuck your flashlight.” which while much more impressive than a one word response it was decidedly less helpful.

“Okay! You wanna play it that way?” Deciding to do what he did best and simply not think he took a running start and sprinted up the steps, heedless of the wood crumbling beneath him and the shadows licking desperately at his heels. Turning sharply at the top tik kept running until he reached the very end of the hall, spinning around and holding his arms up in a defensive position, preparing for the worst as logic finally caught up to him.

For a moment nothing happened, a flea could have sneezed and Remus probably would have heard it for all the noise there was in the house. If his idiocy had taught him anything however it was that silence here was rarely ever a good thing.

His heart leapt in his throat as a door slammed against the wall, plaster raining down on the floor while the door slammed back into place looking as if it upset the frame with its force. Further down the hall another door did the same, this time taking an entire section of wall with it as it whipped back into place. The last door slammed with even more force, cracking the door itself in two but failing to swing back immediately. Instead it creaked back and forth slowly, as if undecided whether or not enough destruction had been caused to justify its closing. Remus watched it with wide, bloodshot eyes, pressed as tightly against the wall as he could get with shaking knees and rapid breaths. This had been a mistake. Whether his coming here was to selfishly prove there were such things as ghosts or to actually help he wasn’t sure- but this wasn’t at all what he’d expected or wanted.

Tik locked his eyes on the door which had now stopped creaking, shadows deepening around it as a cluster seemed to form just at hand height, pushing the ruined wood aside as it stepped into the hallway fully. There was nowhere to run from the terrifying entity that stood before him, writhing dimness that put a sickly filter over the light coming in through the dingy window. Tiks breathing picked up as he realized just how screwed tik was with no exit short of trying to bust through the wall and nothing but tiks mouth that had already gotten him into this mess to begin with. 

He shrunk back as the form began to move slowly down the hall, a sound registering that sounded like talons scraping against the walls as he frantically looked for what could be making the noise. Whimpering as gouges appeared in the walls sans  any talons or weapons to be seen, tik could only press himself back further and hope to god this wasn’t where his stupidity led him. A painful end in an empty house with a ghost that made the walls press in on him and ripped at his arms painfully and pulled every last breath of air from tiks lungs that it could before it decided to run him through-

He gasped as his back suddenly hit the floor, whipped around and thrown a few feet away so that he was facing the wall he had just been cowering against. Eye shapes so blacked they almost glowed purple stared into his own terrified brown ones mere inches away.

“Leave.” Remus felt the word more than he heard it- a deep, rumbling base shaking him to his core as tik struggled to raise up on tiks elbows without bumping “heads” with the ghost. Creaking snapped his attention to the boards in front of his feet as the floor began to ripple and crack beneath him, his scrabbling to gain purchase making it worse as wood chips began to fly up and around him. Splinters ripped at his clothes and tore his face as tik finally just rolled over and kicked off the wall, half sprawling towards the steps as he rolled sloppily to his feet. 

“L̴͇͓̦͎͊͊E̵̗̻͉͖̟̿̃̇̐͑͗A̶̛̩̤̖̻͛̌̋̓́̌̚V̷̢̰̎̿͆Ę̵̜͓̩͈̺̜̳̗̪̞̦͔͎̄̈̂̍̐̅̍͌̒̌̕͝!̵͙͖͔̲̹̟̫̣̻͙̤̿̐̊̀͒͜͝!̴̨̨̧̘̇̑̎͐͗͌̑̒͛͊̂̓̓̑̚ͅ”

The voice bounced off the walls and slammed into him, knocking him forward and giving tik just enough time to cover his face before tik was sliding down the stairs on his stomach. Groaning, tks eyes widened as he tried to get up only to find tik couldn’t. His arms throbbed in pain and his hip pulled painfully even as he tried using only one leg to push himself away from the shadows coming down the stairs like an infected flood. “Please-”

“L̶̡̛͙̝̙̥͖̳̮̝͕͍͙͎͖̘̘̽̈́͑͑̇̆͛̀̈́̿͊̔̿̚̚̚͠͝͝Ê̵̡̨̡̧̧̪̗͙̲̗̻͈͓̠̟̞̪͚̰͔̑̏̋̉̊͑̿̈͂̓̓̇̍̀̍̚̕͝ͅA̷͎̯̱̲̤͇͉͍͓̤̦̕͜͝ͅV̶̛̞͛͂̓̅̚͘̚͠E̴̬͕̬̣̟̽̄̽̆́́̋̀̈́̏͋͂͌̑̋́̊͘͝͝!̸̢̛̘̘̝̰̖̼̝͙̖͕̦̹͓͈͉͓̫̰̘͙̾͆̍͆̏̑́͒̿͊͂̈́̈̏͝͠ͅ!̷̨̧̭̪͙͈̫̰͖̻̤̺̝͋̉̐̓͐̾̓̓̏͋͂͜ͅ”

“I can’t!” Remus sobbed as his body was flung like a ragdoll towards the door, limbs splayed out in a way he’d joke about if he wasn’t so afraid he was going to die. Everything in him was screaming to just get up, crawl if he had to but get away, get away, get away-

And then he stood.

His body protested immediately but he hardly registered it in his panic. He hadn’t moved...and it was quiet. Why was it quiet? It shouldn’t be quiet he was going to die and now it was quiet-

“T̵̯̾h̵̳̑i̸̦͂s̶̢͆ ̷̰͌ỉ̶̗s̵̜̾-̸̲͗ ̷͈̈́I̸͔̅'̴͒͜d̷̗͘ ̸̫͊f̵̜̆o̸̡͠r̵̛̼g̸͎̈́o̶̞͊t̸̹͂t̵̺̑ė̵͔ṇ̵̿-”

“Forgotten what?” He mouthed, not a sound escaping from tiks cracked and bloodied lips.

His bruised fists clenched of their own accord and he began to jerkily move towards the door.

“I̷ ̵w̷a̷n̸t̷ ̷y̸o̵u̶ ̸o̷u̵t̶ ̵a̶n̸d̵ ̶I̴ ̵w̶a̸n̵t̴ ̷y̴o̷u̸ ̵f̶a̷r̸ ̶a̴w̵a̸y̷” The voice continued to echo in his head. “I̷ ̷w̷a̵n̸t̸ ̴y̵o̴u̶ ̴o̶u̶t̴ ̷a̶n̵d̵ ̶I̷'̶m̵ ̶n̸o̵t̶ ̴l̶e̴t̶t̶i̷n̴g̴ ̴y̴o̶u̵ ̴g̷o̶ ̸u̷n̷t̶i̸l̴ ̷I̶'̸m̸ ̵s̷u̶r̸e̷ ̸y̶o̴u̴ ̸c̶a̸n̸'̵t̶ ̸c̸o̶m̴e̴ ̵b̴a̴c̴k̸!̸”

A chill ran through him as tik tried desperately to fight but it was no use. Tik slammed through the door into the cool night air, startling him as he wondered just how long he’d been trapped inside the house.

And then his body began to run.

Previous     Next

[a-little-blown-up-lmanberg]

/roleplay (please God, remember that this is all roleplay)

Only nine minutes into his stream, Techno says, word for word, “because recently we had to take down L’Manberg and that was just not… that was not great, Phil. I mean like, we had to risk our lives, I almost died. Like, taking on 20 dudes, that’s a bit much for me Phil.” Which just… makes me a little annoyed, to say the least. I mean, looking at it from Techno and Phil’s perspective, it’s a way to gain sympathy. Poor Techno and Phil, they had to fight twenty dudes on their own. Unfair fight, really.

Except the thing is, there was “had to” about it. It’s not like someone forced Techno’s hand. No one held a gun to his head and told him to destroy L’Manberg. Sure, from his point of view, it might feel like that. But that’s just not the case. Destroying L’Manberg was a goal that Techno set for himself because he held a grudge when people tried to hold him accountable for crimes that he committed. He chose to go in there and destroy the home of two teenagers who barely even represented a government in the first place. He decided that it was his moral duty to go in there and destroy something that was barely even standing in the first place. There was no had to about it. 

Within the next couple of minutes, Techno says this,

“But the thing is Phil, I think there are other people out there that would believe in anarchy that we can bring to our cause, alright? It’s just that either they don’t know about us or they’re currently like trapped in some situation. Like I don’t think everyone was down with L’Manberg either, but they- they didn’t know any alternative. You were under house arrest there alright?”

Phrases like, “they didn’t know any alternative,” reads like he’s trying to convert someone. Like they are lowly beggars who don’t know better, but it’s okay because he’s going to teach him the right way and show them the truth. Which just makes my skin crawl. Techno views himself as some sort of messiah figure that frees others from the evil government. But that’s not what’s happening here. What’s happening is that he’s forcing people to choose anarchy and completely removing free choice from the equation. Look at the 6th, for example. He decided that he didn’t want the government to exist, and that everyone was just going to have to be okay with that. And there was not a single thing that anyone could do to stop him.

And then we move onto his Organization Manifesto.

Techno only wrote two sentences on the first page of his Anarchist Association book, and yet, those two sentences are enough to fill me with so much rage, it’s not even funny. I was in tears at one point.

“This syndicate is formed to promote anarchy and fight tyranny in all its forms.” Ignoring the fact that Techno could be considered the tyrant himself at this point, there is literally so much to talk about here.

First being, the fact that Techno feels the need for an association to exist in the first place. There is literally not a single person who can threaten his anarchist rule, besides maybe Dream, who is pretty much god himself. Techno is the most powerful person second to only god. If he decides he wants something to happen, there’s nothing anyone can do to stop him. So why does he need an organization to exist in the first place? His reasoning is to bring anarchists together. But why? So they can have tea together every tuesday? What war is he preparing for?

Second is the promoting anarchy bit. There comes to a point where it’s no longer just Technoblade promoting anarchy, and instead it’s just him running around forcing his ideals onto others. He’s already gone so far as to blow up an entire fucking country. How much farther does he want to go?

And the fighting tyranny bit. Ignoring the fact again, that Techno could be considered a tyrant at this point, there is one person that pretty much everyone will agree is a tyrant, and that’s Dream. It’s a good thing that the anarchist adamant on taking down tyrants never teamed up with one to blow up an entire country… wait a second. All that Techno did, in fact, with that fancy little performance, was increase Dream’s power. That and satisfy the grudge he held. For someone who’s biggest thing is taking down tyrants, he’s only ever helped Dream. Whether he realises it or not.

At 1:11:43 Techno says that he can’t order people around. But he doesn’t need to, is the thing. He acts like ordering people around like a government official is the only way to force someone to do something. It’s like, no Techno, you can’t order people around. I guess you will just have to settle for being powerful and threatening and heavily implying that people will meet the business end of your sword if they don’t do what you say. Sucks to be you, or whatever. Technoblade’s reputation alone can make people listen to and do what he says because they fear being hurt or something they care about being hurt if they don’t listen.

He’s also apparently decided that “sic semper tyrannis” is the organization’s motto. Which translates to, “always thus to tyrants.” Meaning that bad or just outcomes should or will eventually befall tyrants. Again, does he plan on fighting Dream or something?

And at 1:13:30, Phil says something along the lines of, “although his (Ranboo’s) memory’s pretty crap, that could be of use.” Which is just… so very icky in so many ways. It makes it feel like Ranboo isn’t an actual person to them. Like he’s just some tool to be used in their war against a made up enemy.

This whole stream just made me so very sad and angry. I had to take a few hours to figure out how exactly to say the things I wanted to say. I’m not quite sure I got there in the end, but this is all I have for now.

[shozaii]

Hey can I request something with todoroki where his s/o break up with him cus endeavour makes them and when shoto finds out he goes mental at his dad then goes to get his s/o back thank you sorry for bad grsmmer I’m not English ❤️

(a/n): hello! this took me a while and for that, i apologise :( i hope this is a good read! i also wrote something similar to this, and you can read it here.

requests are still open!

masterlist

^^^

always.

todoroki shouto x reader

warnings: angst!

ps: this setting is probably around 3-4 years of them dating, so that the legit emotion would kick in :P

---------------------------

your heart couldn’t take any more than this. 

regret, pain, anguish. you felt weak to the bone. you didn’t want to get up anymore. you wanted to stay on the ground. 

no one was going to lift you up anyway, right?

“shouto would never say that! i-i’ll only believe it when i see him!”

“and how exactly can you prove that he hasn’t done so?” endeavor boomed, his tall figure’s shadow looming over you. “even it was not, i would never hand him off to someone like you.”

“he doesn’t take orders from you, endeavor,” you growled underneath your breath. “i can’t believe i’m saying this to you but-,” you paused, slowly looking up to his face. ”todoroki shouto is not your carbon copy. he is a free bird, living to be the hero he has always wanted to be.”

his eyes were glowing with every ounce of hatred towards you. you were right. shouto had his decisions. he knew what he was up to. you even asked him about your dad and he said;

“my father has and never will have anything to do with you, love.”

so why this? why has endeavor made his way to you, claiming that his son doesn’t want you anymore?

when shouto could have done so?

...but then again, what if these were his decisions?

“what... what did you do with shouto?”

“he has requested me to be here, to tell you about this matter. you can run along now. i have even picked the one for him to marry in the future. which, of course does not involve you.”

you could feel your heart sinking slowly the chamber you grew away from. 

“i want to see him.”

“no! you are not allowed to step foot into the todoroki household anymore! now leave before it has to turn ugly.”

that felt like your very last straw. you wanted to run away, you wanted to scream. you wanted to do so many things.

you wanted shouto.

taking the hint that you had already understood, he walked away from you, never once looking back. why should he care, anyway? why did it have to matter to him?

why did this have to happen when shouto was far away from you? he promised he was going to return to your arms. did he plan all of this earlier? was he really done with you? did nothing else about you mattered to him anymore?

“shouto,” you said shakily. “at least tell me what i did.”

hands on your head, you sobbed. once again, your body brought you down to the grass. you heard someone shouting from the back; but it didn’t matter.

nothing mattered.

^^^

when you woke up, your eyes opened to the familiar ceiling.

the common room.

“they’re up!” you heard someone whisper-shout.

were you out for that long? what happened?

“y/n!” a girl’s voice called out to you softly.

“give them some space to breathe!” someone was chopping the air with their hands.

your eyes were wide open. you jolted up, taking a good look at the faces who were around you. “guys? what am i doing here?”

“you were with endeavor. d-don’t you remember, y/n?” midoriya asked.

“endeav-,”

the memories filled your head, one by one. the confrontation. the ground. his glowing blue eyes. the hatred.

the tears.

the unofficial break up.

moments later, tears flood your eyes once more, pouring out without a warning. here you were, thinking it was a nightmare. maybe when you woke up from it, shouto would be in your arms, calming you down. telling you that you had nothing to worry about. and then you would fill him in with kisses, he’d giggle and hold you closer.

“where is shouto?” you trembled.

“y/n, he...,” the green haired boy began. he hesitated. what was going on? why were you crying? why did you faint? so many questions ran in his head but he had to continue anyway.

“he went out of town, remember? and today endeavor came here to talk to you. in private.”

“i don’t think he would be coming back to me, though.”

“what?!” your friends around you screamed.

“he broke up with me.”

^^^

most of class 1-A have already completed their internship in various cities, including you. 

everyone, except for shouto. it was a day later than most of his classmates. he went along with it - but without you, it was painful.

he couldn’t call nor text you during the internship. those were the few things he had told his s/o before leaving. you understood because the whole class had to comply with that, too. no one was allowed to contact anyone else, either.

with you promising that you’d wait, he smiled. he was glad to have someone as understanding as you.

which was why he couldn’t wait until he had met you.

the train ride back to his home was a blur. he was exhausted from the extensive work he was given. it was part of his father’s agency, anyway.

expected? maybe.

he checked the time. 

it was already 12 a.m.. assuming you were asleep, he had to resist the urge to call you. what’s worse was that he only got to see you in the evening. he had a few errands to run at his home before heading to the dorms.

in less than 30 minutes, he had reached his destination. he grabbed his bag and left the train. a few more minutes and he would be lying in bed, satisfied.

not as satisfied if the first person he saw was his father.

but whatever he was never desiring seemed to come along his way. there he was, at home. his siblings were long asleep, he reckoned. “i’m home,” he mumbled, earning a hum from him.

as he entered the room, he was bewildered.

natsuo and fuyumi were right in front of him. fuyumi placed a finger on her lips; telling him to be quiet, while natsuo signaled him to close the door behind him.

“it’s about y/n. we got a call from your friend, midoriya.”

his eyes widened, slamming the door. “what happened?”

^^^

shouto felt as if ten thousand icicles had stabbed through his chest. 

he swung the door open. “you could’ve done anything else and you have even decided to interfere what i love most?!” he growled, palm starting a low flame.

“who? them? are you serious?! their quirk matches terribly with yours and i don’t see any compatibility between you two!”

“how- what kind of a sick person are you?! obsessed with power, fame, strength. have you ever focused on your loved ones?”

“you don’t have to remind me of the past. i don’t want you to fall in love and leave your hard work behind.”

“i think the real person leaving their work here was you. you, endeavour, have made a decision to say things that i would never say to them. to think that i would let you face them without any warning. stupid. i’m such an idiot. to allow myself to talk about them in front of you.”

“your relationship makes me feel sick, shouto! this is not the right time for you, so stop dreaming of it.”

“don’t tell me what to do!” he screamed. “don’t you dare tell me what to do! forget your future plans for me and let me do the honors. stop pestering me!”

tears flowed down his cheek as he gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. the little flame he had on his palm died down.

“do you actually think they wouldn’t set foot in this house?”

“shouto, forget about them. this topic is over.”

“answer me, father,” he spat. “do you?”

“absolutely.”

“do you actually think i would marry someone of your choice?”

“this is ridiculous. you’re behaving ridiculously, shouto.”

“do you think they haven’t met mother?”

endeavour’s eyes widened. “already?”

“as long as i get the green light from her, your words mean nothing to me.”

“no it does n-,”

“quit it.”

shouto grabbed his bag, said goodbye to his siblings, and left the house with his needs.

“this break up would be in your wildest dreams - heck - possibly in the deepest pits of hell.”

^^^

some of his classmates were still up. 

they didn’t really get any sleep after your breakdown.

“they’re in here. i’m sure they’ll be very happy to see you again.”

“thank you, midoriya.”

as he left shouto to his own, his knuckles hesitated to bring themselves to your door.

the pain he had inflicted was not only on him, but also you.

knock, knock.

“i’m doing fine, midoriya. the door’s open anyway.”

shouto turned the door knob slowly, revealing a dark room. the only light source was from the big, bright moon.

he saw a little figure staring at it, sobbing quietly.

“y/n....?” he called out softly, careful not to startle you.

you looked up, your eyes adjusting to the darkness ahead of you. but it didn’t have to wait for too long.

“shouto! shouto, oh my god, sho!” you stood up clumsily, your heavy legs bringing you to your boyfriend.

he grabbed hold of you, peppering countless kisses on your tear stained cheeks. it all happened so fast - your heart couldn’t believe it.

you let out a muffled scream into his shirt.

“i’m here now.”

two pairs of eyes were drowning themselves in an infinite amount of tears. as shouto held you, he brought the both of you down to your knees. he still didn’t let you go. it felt so right.

two pieces of a puzzle fit together like never before.

“none of this was your fault, love,” he let you go, wiping away your tears with his thumbs. “you did nothing wrong.”

“your f-father told me you sent him here and i- i didn’t know what to do, i forced myself to not believe it,” you said in between sobs. 

“what? no, he has nothing to do with us. it’s my fault. he had to be there when i told natsuo and fuyumi about you. i didn’t want that to happen - let’s just say his presence didn’t mean anything to me at that moment. and for that, i’m sorry, y/n. i promise you, this would never happen again.”

your eyes met his. “breaking up with you was never on my list,” he continued. “i guess he’d planned this earlier.”

“shouto.”

“i’m listening.”

“i love you.”

“i love you more.”

“always.”

“always,” he whispered.

-------------------------------------------------

(a/n): MJKJDNDOWJD i hope it was good!! :(

[mhdiaries]

Iris Clops SDCC 2014 Exclusive Diary

02.28

I went to the casketball game tonight. It was the district championship game, and if we won it would mean a trip to the monster state tournament. The game was against the same gargoyle team that beat us last year. The game tonight was really close with several lead changes, the gym was totes rocking. I was there to cheer for the whole team, of course, but I was also hoping that Manny would have a better game than he did last year. I know he felt responsible for us losing last year, even though I know that the team didn’t blame him for it. Manny is... well, I’m not sure what Manny is. When he first came to Monster High he acted like a real bully, and most students tried to avoid him at all costs. Something must have happened after that game last year though, because he seems like a different monster since then. Anyway, this year there was a much happier outcome - both for Manny and the team - because not only did we win, but Manny made the winning shot! Adding to the excitement - more or less - okay, less, was my epic fail or rather fall down the bleachers. Typical me, I wasn’t watching where I was going and I stepped where there wasn’t one and badly twisted my ankle. Wow, did that ever hurt! The team athletic trainer, Mr. Mummy, saw what happened and came over to check on me. He had some of the ghouls help me to the training room where he examined my ankle, pronounced it sprained and then did a pretty thorough wrap job on it. He gave me some crutches, then called my parents to let them know what had happened. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to make it to the bit victory party after the game, which was a drag because I heard that Manny asked where I was at. 

03.05

I have decided in the interest of science to keep an ongoing list of my bumps, bruises, sprains, spills and breakages. Thus I have developed a clumsification scale so that each incident can be properly measured based on the approximate pain I feel at the time:

Ouch.

Just Give Me a Minute...

Oh, Hera, That Hurt!

Medic!

Don’t go into the light.

My hope is that I will eventually reach a point where in the midst of an “incident” I can just shout out a number and thus save my breath for holding against the agony. I had the chance to practice using my new scale tonight as I tried to navigate my way through the house on crutches. I called out a series of “1′s” while I bumped my way down the hall from my bedroom to the kitchen. When I got there, dad asked if I was all right, and I told him I was just trying out my new scale. “Oh, good,” he said, “I was afraid you’d finally gone binary on us.” I told him that if I didn’t think I would spend the next 15 minutes on the floor yelling “Four!” I would hit him with one of my crutches. He laughed, kissed me on the top of head and slid open the door to the back porch. He closed the door behind me and flicked on the trail of dim blue-green lights that outlined the path to the “observatory” he built for me. My dad is the kind of monster that keeps his eye more to the earth beneath his feet than to the stars above his head, but he is an amazing engineer and he built my observatory with a roof that opens and the whole thing rotates 360° so my telescope never has to move. He’s not much of a “tell you that he loves you” kind of monster, but he shows it all the time. Tonight I rotated my observatory so that I could see a star called Aldebaran. It’s an orange giant and forms one of the eyes in the constellation Taurus - the bull. As I was focusing in, two meteors crashed into each other sending glowing fragments across the night sky like fireworks. If I were the kind of ghoul that looked for omens I might think this was a sign. Hah! As if...

03.06

I was standing at my locker today, and Manny walked right by me without even acknowledging I was there. Maybe I should expand my scale to cover bumps and bruises of the heart as well. If so, today was a definite 2. 

03.07

Gigi came over tonight to do some stargazing. She’s so scary sweet and just so excited to experience every little detail of unilfe outside the lantern that she’s a scream to be around. We looked at the rings of Saturn, Mars and Alpha Centaur, and then a storm moved in, and we couldn’t see anything through the cloud cover. So we sat and talked about different things. I jokingly asked her if she had any wishes left, because I was really wishing I could know what was going on inside Manny’s head. She laughed and said that sometimes wishing is more satisfying than actually having the thing for which you have wished. She says it doesn’t sound logical, but it often is true. I’m not sure I understand, but she has a lot more experience seeing the power of wishes granted than I have, so I suppose I’ll just have to trust her on this. 

03.09 

Today in the creepateria I was sitting at a table with Draculaura, Clawd, Abbey and Heath. Manny walked by our table with his lunch, and Heath invited him to sit with us. The only open seat was across from me, and I swear it looked as if Manny started blushing. I think he was going to say, “No”, but he ended up sitting down anyway. We were right in the middle of a conversation about a comet that only passes by earth close enough to see once every 500 years or so, and Draculaura has seen it the last two times it appeared. She was telling us how some monsters thought it was an omen of doom the last time it passed and they literally went screaming for the catacombs. We were all laughing, and I suggested we have a comet party at my house the next time it shows up. That’s when Manny said, “Who cares about stars and planets and comets and stuff like that? It’s just a dumb waste of time looking at places you can never go to anyhow.” It took me completely by surprise, and I said, “It’s only dumb if you’ve got so much muscle in your brain there’s no room for imagination.” I don’t think I could have been more hurt if he had called me an eyesore. I asked Draculaura if she would take my tray for me, and I grabbed my crutches, hobbled out of the creepateria and straight into the ghoul’s restroom. As I was sitting in a stall crying my eye out, there was a knock on the stall door. “Go away,” I said. “Is Abbey - I punched Manny in nose for you.” I jumped up and opened the door. “You did what?” I yelled. “Relax, I am only doing the teasing.” I was torn between being angry and continuing my number “4″ sized cry. Abbey told me that Manny was like her brother. “He is big like Manny and is having same problem telling Yeti ghoul how he is feeling - so he makes the large snowballs to throw at ghoul he likes. Manny does not have snowball so he throws words.” I told her that I thought it was the dumbest way possible to let a ghoul know that she is liked. Abbey nodded, “Agreed, snowballs are much better as sting is going away sooner.” I think she is right. This “4″ doesn’t act like it’s about to slide down to a three anytime soon, and I guess Gigi was right about not wishing to know what’s in another monster’s head.

03.10

This morning when I opened my locker there was a small, folded up piece of paper wedged in one of the vent slots. It was folded so tightly, I though some monster must have wrapped up a piece of gum and shoved it through my locker because he couldn’t find a trash can. I almost threw it away but I unfolded it instead. Inside in carefully printed block letters was the message,

I’m sorry.

M.T.

I looked around to see if some monster might have done this as a prank, but everything looked normal, or at least as normal as it ever looks at that time of morning with monsters scurrying around trying to get to class on time. In terms of medicine, it certainly took the sting out of my “4″, and if it didn’t take it all away at least it moved it down to a “1″.

03.12

I’m not sure if it will be possible to put what happened today into words, but I think I have to try. We had a special assembly in the creepatorium that every monster was required to attend. The speaker was a famous centaur explorer/biteologist who was going to talk about his travels and adventures. It sounded pretty exciting when Headmistress Bloodgood was making the announcement over the intercom, and by the time I was able to hobble in, all the seats were taken except one in the very middle of a top middle row. I looked around for Manny and saw him several rows about me sitting with Heath. I managed to get to my seat without doing too much damage to either myself or any other monster, but I had to leave my crutches leaning against the wall, since there was no way I could make it down the aisle holding onto them. As it turned out, the speaker was a bit of a blowhard, and after 30 minutes of telling the assembly how great he was, most of us were figuring out this wasn’t going to be as exciting as we were lead to believe. That’s when he brought out the chimera. Although our speaker assured us that he had tamed it, our biteology textbook said that it was impossible to do so. I guess every other monster in the creepatorium had read the same book, because they all started shifting in their seats and looking for the closest exit. The speaker asked for calm and told us the creature was as harmless as a kitten. Not a beat after he said this, the chimera breathed a cone of fire into one of the stage curtains and mass chaos erupted as every monster tried to leave at once. I vaguely remembered seeing my crutches being kicked down the stairs and then disappearing under the mass of students trying to get out. It seemed like it was every monster for himself, and there was no way I was going to be able to get out. That’s when I felt myself lifted out of my seat and I looked up to see Manny’s face looking down and... smiling. “Need a lift?” he asked. I just nodded and before I knew it we were standing outside the school with everyone else. I kissed him on the cheek, and he gently set me down. I think I need a new scale for how my heart feels now.

[uhgoodmoni]

Our Clock is Ticking | KTH

After a post Christmas breakup with his girlfriend Taehyung is celebrating New Years alone in a hotel. The ball drops, yet 2021 doesn’t come. 

Warnings: angst and some fluff

Ao3 - Wattpad

(Taehyung POV)

I pull my lips together in a frown, glancing down at the last text I sent. 

‘Merry Christmas I guess’ 

‘Read at 1:34 am’

A deep sigh heaves from my chest. Yeah. Merry fucking Christmas and a Happy New Year. Stuck in an unfamiliar country in an unfamiliar town by my damn self. Guess we picked the perfect time to pick a fight. I bring my eyes to the clock. It’s 5:00 pm on New Year’s Eve. I could be at home with the rest of the boys but nooo. She had to drag me out to see her damn family and then pick a fight with me so I’m stuck spending the holiday alone. 

My head falls back against the couch. What the fuck am I going to do now? It’s already passed the new year in Korea, but maybe I’ll call someone. Jimin… Yoongi. I don’t know. What would I even say? Hey, Mara and I broke up yesterday, and now I’m alone on New Years. Tch. Yeah. As much as I’d love to spill my guts out to them I’ve cried so much this week I feel just like shit. At this point, I just want to fly back home.

Luckily I was able to snag a flight back to Seoul for tomorrow. Not that it didn’t cost a lot, but there’s no way I’m spending another day here to wallow in my self-pity. 

The phone screen still shines up in my eyes and I look one more time. A tiny circular picture of her sits at the top of our text. Her tongue stuck out to touch the camera when I took the photo. Silly. 

When I take that flight tomorrow, will I ever see her again? I grind my teeth together, my thumb pressing against the power button. Despite how much anger is burning inside me, I hope the answer is yes. 

‘I’ll be happier if I lived this next year without you.’ She really said that. I roll over onto my side, curling up on the cushions. She’s probably right. I honestly did make everything harder for her. She was always so understanding though. I wonder if she even meant it. 

I sniff, wiping at a stray tear I hadn’t noticed. I’d like to think that she didn’t mean it. That she was just angry and it spilled out after all the dumb shit I said. Or what maybe I didn’t say. A shaky breath leaves my body, and my eyes clench shut. Oh, why can't I stop thinking about it? 

Maybe she did mean it. I had never seen her say something with more conviction and anger, her body shook as she had screamed it at me. Her face had gone red like the wine we were drinking. I’m sure that fueled our anger too. But there had to be some backing behind her words. Even if this fight had been the last straw there were so many feelings leading up to this. Every night she spent waiting up for me. How could I not see her patience running out? Slowly but surely our clock had been ticking. Every time we greeted each other, said goodbye, kissed. Had her patience been running out then too? 

Even I knew we weren’t fine. Fuck. I should have said something. Maybe I didn’t tell her how much she means to me often enough. Probably not. Of course, she cracked for the holidays. But did she really have to be so cruel?

I glance up from the couch, feeling the vibrations of a phone call. Damnit, I was hoping to avoid talking to anyone for the whole night. Should have figured, they are probably missing me. I sigh looking at the contact. Hoba hyung, a facetime. Not even just a voice call. Internally I groan looking myself in the reflection on my screen and making sure I don’t look like the shit I feel like. 

After a deep breath, I answer the call. “Heyyy hyung…” I try and push away everything that has happened. If I tell him he’ll just be worried for no reason. 

“Taeee, Happy New Year.” I smile lightly looking at him. He looks tired cause he probably stayed up all night. 

I grin, trying to hide away the frown that was stuck on my face. “Hobaa why are you awake so early?” He raises an eyebrow and just shakes his head. 

“Just am I guess, and knew you’d be awake so I wanted to call you. How’s the holiday with the missus?”

It’s awful. I said something inconsiderate and ruined the whole thing. We were drinking and I took her defensiveness as an attack on me. Maybe it was maybe it wasn’t. Doesn’t matter. We broke up and she said she doesn’t want to spend another year of her life with me. Now I’m sad and alone on New Years’ Eve. Probably won’t even watch the ball drop. Soak up my misery. I still have that bottle of wine I bought. 

At least that’s what I wanted to tell him. And I will. Eventually. Just not today. 

“She’s with the fam they are cooking in the kitchen.” I grin and he seems satisfied with that. Hobi is always fooled by my lies. Part of me wished that Jimin or Yoongi had called. They’d be able to call out my bullshit…

“Well, I shouldn’t bother you then you better go help…” 

“Yeah… well, how was your night last night?” I say, trying to get him to stay on the call a little longer. Damn, I wish I could go home. 

“You know… the usual. Jin passed out right after midnight. Me too.” He giggles. “But the others I guess you could say partied. Not really but we had fun.” I smile at this. Wish I had been there with them. 

“Wish I had been there.” I sigh, but smile softly to him, hoping to not reveal how I really feel. 

“No, you don’t silly. Go have fun!” He winks to me, “You’ll see us in a couple days anyway.” 

“You’re right.” I nod not feeling like telling him I’ll actually be on my way back tomorrow. It stays silent for a moment as he smiles up to me. 

“Stay safe and tell Mara I say hi!” He waves and I only nod. 

“Bye.”

“Bye.” He says and hangs up. Well… I look at the clock seeing it’s only been about ten minutes since I last checked the time. It’s gonna be a long night. 

~

My palms press into my skull. Trying to nullify the ache resonating in the back of my head. Oh shit. I groan, shielding my eyes as I tentatively open them. Trying to bring myself to life I lick my lips, the taste of that wine leftover on my breath. I cringe, taking a deep breath. Did I really end up drinking last night? I thought that wasn’t the plan. I lift my head from my pillow seeing the bottle resting on the counter. Still full. I swear I could remember at least drinking at least a glass though. Except now I no longer taste the wine on my tongue. As if it had never been there in the first place. 

I exhale and plop my head back down. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Fuck. 

Again I lift my head up, searching for my phone on it’s charger. What time is it? Oh God what if I slept too late and missed my alarm. 

2:34 pm. Fuck.

I pull up my ticket on my phone. 4:30 pm. Could I make it in time? Might as well try… I read over the confirmation email. 

Thank you for your purchase… Your flight is for 1/1/2021 4:30 pm.

I toss myself from the bed, heading to my suitcase. Should I change? Do I have time? At least I should brush my teeth. I flick through the email, feeling like I’m forgetting something as I shuffle to the bathroom. 

Sent at 2:00 pm. 

I squint my eyes at this. Specifically remembering that I got this email yesterday and not today. Maybe it’s like a reminder. I shrug and wet my toothbrush.

An alarm sounds from my phone as I set it down making me jump. I scrunch up my face remembering I had a headache, but it’s not really bothering me anymore.

 I look at the alarm… a reminder I set for myself. But it was supposed to go off yesterday. It did go off yesterday. 

Reminder: flight tomorrow leave by 1:30.

I shake my head, lifting my head to the mirror. I look like shit, but I have this whole week let's be honest. Setting my toothbrush down I pull up my calendar. Did I get it wrong or something? No, my flight confirmation definitely says the first. 

I glance at the little red dot on the calendar indicating the date. 12/31/2020. Pressing my lips into each other, I raise an eyebrow staring at the screen for a minute. It has to be wrong. I almost laugh to myself. Am I crazy? 

I check the time again on my phone. 2:40 Thursday, December 31. 

Have I completely mixed up the dates? I could swear that yesterday was New Years Eve. I push my hair back, looking back into the mirror. Though I didn’t watch the ball drop so maybe I was just mistaken. 

Just to be sure, I look up the airport’s number, and give them a call. There’s no chance I’m missing the flight. After a confusing phone call they confirm my suspicions. My flight isn’t until tomorrow. Feeling very confused I finish brushing my teeth and start running the shower. How could I have mistaken yesterday for New Years Eve? I guess it happens. But I so clearly remember the date. Hoseok even called me wishing for me to have a good night. Had I imagined that as well?

After being refreshed from the heat of the shower I check my phone’s history. No call from Hoseok, which means I must have been in a daze of grief. Still, It doesn’t feel right. The call is so fresh in my mind.

I look to the clock after cleaning up my room. It was a mess. I hadn’t picked anything up and would have had to pack last minute in the morning if I left it that way. Despite wishing I was on that plane back to Seoul right now. I feel much better than I did yesterday. I should stay productive, keep my mind off things. 

Time has gone by particularly slow today. Even after cleaning up myself and packing for tomorrow. I’ve been avoiding my feelings all day. I resorted to playing on Weverse and messing with Duolingo. Despite wanting to write, I knew that I would just dig myself into a hole. 

Maybe this time around I’ll call Hoseok. I don’t want to wake him up though. It’s still early and I know he’ll want to sleep in after the late night last night. 

‘You awake?’ I text the group chat. Maybe Jin or I don’t know, anyone to save me from my thoughts will answer. Though, maybe it’s a good idea to talk about it with one of them. Maybe they could tell me what to do. Ugh, it’s so confusing. Even though Mara said she never wants to see me again I doubt that she really meant that. Right? I certainly don’t want that to be the last time we ever see one another. I swallow. She was so angry. So upset. Her hands shook as the tears streamed down her face, and she sniffed trying to hold back the storm behind her eyes. And I just stood there. Like a jackass. A deer in headlights. Didn’t cry. I couldn’t, I didn’t want to react, cause I thought she was overreacting. She shouldn’t have cared so much about what I said. It wasn’t meant to make her so upset. 

My face finds the palms of my hands. I’m so dumb. What the fuck possessed me to be such an asshole? All she wanted was for me to care and I didn’t. But I do. I really do. My cheeks form a blush as my face heats from the tears. I press into my temples willing myself not to cry. Stupid.

Feeling the buzzing of my phone, I look down. It’s Hoseok, and I huff before answering.

“Hey Tae bear!” He greets happily in my ear. I try to smile but I just want to be with him and not on this dumb call. Instead of being alone I wish I was home. 

My eyes start to water and a horrible feeling starts crawling up my throat. I know that if I try to speak I’ll just… 

“Are you there?” 

I swallow, trying to push back this feeling. But I can’t, It’s pushing back. Tears prick at my eyes, and I just want Hoseok to be here to hold me. Despite trying so hard to hold the tears in, the feeling overwhelms me and washes over me. I heave out a hard sob. Revealing a feeling I had been holding back all day. My breaths are fast and choppy as the tears roll, and I cling to the phone curling my knees into my abdomen. 

“Tae… Are you okay?” He sounds worried. I try to slow my breaths and answer him but I can’t. It just. I squeeze my fists. I hate this feeling. 

The stream of tears doesn’t stop as I hug myself closer. “Sorry…” I barely hiccup out.

“Taehyung are you okay? Are you hurt? What’s happening?” I shake my head, pressing my eyes into my knees. The tears soak at my pants and I take a deep breath, sighing out slowly to try and relax. 

“I’m sorry Hobi…” I sniffed, should have figured that would have happened. Wiping away at my face with my shirt sleeves, I start to explain. “Mara and I... it’s over.” I bite my cheek to hold my composure.

“Tae what happened?” he asks, sounding confused. Great, I shake my head. I just want to be with him. I don’t want to have to deal with this phone call. “I told her she doesn’t do enough.” I deadpan, taking in my own words myself. “I said that.” My heart twists, causing more tears to wring out from my eyes. Knowing now how it made her feel. Coming from the mouth from someone she loves. I meant it lightheartedly, but that’s no excuse now. I know her better than that. She does more than enough. God I hope she knows that. I hope that’s why she screamed at me. “What do you mean?” He practically shouts, but I can tell he’s trying to remain calm. “What happened? That doesn’t make any sense. When?”

I sigh, “Like a week ago…”

He interrupts before I can continue, “Where are you? Why didn’t you call?”

“I’m fine, I’m at a hotel and I’m flying back tomorrow.” 

He sighs, “What happened? You guys…”

“It was dumb. I said something dumb.” I groan, pushing my hair out of my face. “It just spiraled after that cause we were drinking and I thought she was overreacting cause I didn’t mean what I said.” Hobi listens as I go on, “ I could tell that it upset her but I didn’t care, cause I didn’t mean it like that. I should have immediately apologized. No. I shouldn’t have said it at all.”

“Why don’t you call her and tell her this?” 

I shake my head knowing he can’t see me. “She said she doesn’t want to be with me another year of her life.” It takes a lot to swallow that down. I really toppled the jenga tower. Instead of fixing the problem all I did was be inconsiderate and ruin everything. I’d like to blame the alcohol but it’s far too late for that. Not that she would believe me but truly it was a joke. My shoulders fall, a misunderstanding that I was too petty to reverse. 

“Oh.” He says plainly, leaving both of us in silence. Damn. Now I feel like shit. I should have waited to tell him. Now he’s just gonna worry too much. I could have waited to tell him.

“Sorry, I’m fine really I’ll be coming home tomorrow. I just want to be with you guys again.”

Hoseok sighs, “Tae don’t say you’re fine if you’re not... It’s okay, you’ve been with Mara over two years. You’re definitely not going to be fine.” A hot tear runs down my cheek, and I can tell my face is swollen. “Why don’t you stay on the phone with me and later all of the guys and us will be there for the ball drop.”

“No, no…”  I mutter, knowing that they’ll all just worry their heads off. “I’ll wait to talk to the others when I get home. I think I just want to sleep early and get this day over with.” What a hell of a way to start the year, I sigh. 

“Do you want to stay on the call?” He asks, and I really contemplate this one for a while. 

My breathing is shaky as I agree, “Just till I fall asleep, thanks hyung.” 

~

I slowly open my eyes, crusty, and still swollen from last night. The hotel room is lit up around the curtains. My alarm didn’t go off again? My hand wanders to the nightstand to pick up my phone. 

3:00 pm. My eyes widen and my heart jumps up with me in bed. Are you fucking kidding me? How in the hell did I sleep that long? Oh, God. There’s literally no way I’d make the flight. Why didn’t my alarms work? I stare at the time, wishing it would magically change to a couple hours earlier. How is it already the afternoon? Was I really that tired? 

Not even bothering to stand I press my cheek into my palm. What the fuck? My teeth grind together. Why? After all of this shit. Why now? Can’t I just have one God damn easy day? 

Is it possible to cancel my flight ticket this late? I should at least try. Maybe there will be some open tickets on a later flight. Though I highly doubt it as it’s New Year’s day and everyone is going home. God, I’ll be lucky to find a flight this week at all, I barely found this one. 

On my lap my phone pings. I look down expecting maybe Hoseok. 

Mara… Can I call you?

Immediately my stomach begins to spin. What could she have to say to me? I try to relax as I stare at the text. She’s already said the worst so it can’t be anything bad? Even if she tried apologizing I just... I fucked up. Would she forgive me?

After a moment I text her back, now anxiously awaiting her call. I hope she wants to talk it over. I hope that I can apologize. I hope she didn’t mean what she said. The phone rings, but I give it a moment before I answer. Stupid. I don’t want to seem desperate, but I am. 

“Hey this is so out of nowhere but what day is it?” She says, sounding completely normal. Like we had just been talking not that long ago. Like we had spent Christmas and this entire week together. What day is it? That’s what she's calling for?

I stifle a sigh, glancing at my phone’s calendar, “What do you mean? It’s the fi…” The phone says the same thing it did yesterday. 12/31/20. “No way…”

She gives an exhausted laugh. “I am going crazy over here… I’ve celebrated New Years’ twice, and this morning my dad asks if I’m ready for 2021. Please tell me I’m crazy.”

“Uh that's strange,” I scratch my head. Holy shit does that mean the other day I hadn’t been imagining it? That I really had already been through the 31st. Today is the third New Years’ Eve. “I… I don’t know what to say other…”

“Damn. I’m sorry Tae. I shouldn’t have called. This was dumb and I sound so stupid. I’m sorry I should leave you be…” I shake my head as if she could see, “hey, wait, wait, wait. You didn’t let me finish. Genuinely the same thing has happened to me but I thought I was just mistaken because I went to sleep early.” 

She huffs, laughing out of relief, “Ha, I thought I was still drunk from the night before…”

“Sooo, what does this even mean?” I ask knowing she doesn’t know the answer.

“Well, my parents don’t seem to notice so I don’t really know.” 

“Hoseok is the same way…” I add, wondering if he’ll call me again today. Shit does this mean I still have a flight tomorrow? If tomorrow ever comes. What the fuck.

“Sorry again, I don’t really know why I called you…” I frown at her words, “I… I guess you’re the only other person I could really ask.” Nothing makes any sense, and my head starts to pound from my thoughts jumbling in my head. 

“It’s okay, I… don’t mind.” I cringe, unsure of what else to say. She doesn’t respond right away, probably thinking the same thing. It’s a heavy moment. There’s so much to say but neither of us are speaking. Even though she isn’t saying anything I can only imagine how she looks. She’s probably curled up on the couch in her pj’s, probably making the same face I am. Just sad. Which is dumb, if we’re both sad then obviously the argument shouldn’t have happened. 

“Well, if this happens again I guess we are just fucked.” She kind of laughs, making me smile, but my face drops again as she continues, “I’ll leave you be then… Happy New Year’s Tae.”

“Mara…” The buzz of the phone line lets me know she hasn’t hung up. I close my eyes, trying to formulate my thoughts before I open my mouth. “I’m sorry.” I shake my head, feeling stupid, “You are more than enough, I…” My words get caught in my throat and I can’t finish my sentence. 

“Me too.” She mutters. 

I sniff, “Can we talk… like in person.” “I’ll try and tell my parents that talking to you is more important than the ball dropping.” She sighs, and regret washes over me. Her parents probably hate me. They had been in the house during the argument. My eyes fall to the floor. I really just fucked it up. “Where even are you?” 

“Oh, this Hilton near a movie theater I think.” 

“I shouldn’t have sent you out. I’m really sorry Tae, it’s probably not safe for you to just be in a hotel.” 

I almost laugh, at least I know she’s worried about me. “I’m a grown man…”

“Tch I know it’s just… I shouldn’t have let you leave in a city you’ve never been okay.” After another moment, “Well I’ll come later. Just text me your room number yeah?”

I hum in answer and she hangs up. That went a lot better than I expected it to go. 

~

As I step towards the door, I swipe my hands down my pant legs, hoping my hands aren’t sweaty, and hoping I don’t look nervous myself. God that shouldn’t even matter. Clearing my mind, I pull open the door to see Mara standing there awkwardly, with her hands folded together. 

“Hey.” I mumble, leaning against the wall to make room for her in the tight entrance, gesturing for her to come in. Her eyes are shielded by her hair as she walks past me, but she wasn’t looking up at me anyway. After closing the door behind us we silently walk over to the couch, each taking a seat. In my lap my hands fumble with each other, and I bite down my lip. I guess it’s a bit more awkward trying to find the right words in person. 

I nod a couple times, managing to psych myself up to start the conversation. “I… I’m really sorry Mara.” The words come out breathy as it finally feels right to say them to her. 

She lifts her pointed chin to me with a small smile, shaking her head. “I accept your apology, and I’m sorry I took it too seriously.” Her body turns towards mine as she continues, “I’m not even sure why it really got me that mad because it was a dumb joke and it just hurt my feelings.” 

“That's all that really matters, I hurt your feelings and that's a good enough reason to apologize.” I finally make eye contact, feeling comfortable talking to her again. Those eyes are just the same as they’ve always been. She’s not cruel. She has a kind heart and her eyes show that. Why am I acting a fool?

“If anyone should apologize…” She sighs looking around the room, “It’s me.” I look down at my hands still thinking. “God.” She sniffs, and I immediately bring my face up to see her crying. “That's such an awful thing to say.” She chokes out, hands covering her face. My mouth drops and I do what I would normally, scooch closer to her and wrap my arm around her. Her head continues to shake in disappointment with herself.

“Listen it’s…”

“No!” She pushes me away, looking at me, her eyes reddening already. “It’s not okay.” Her eyes squeeze shut, tears rolling down her cheek. Even if she did say it, my heart still pangs looking at her like this. “I… I didn’t mean it.” She shakes her head, frantically wiping at her face. “I can’t even believe that those words came out of my mouth.” Her face becomes hidden as she buries it away in her hands. 

I turn my head away from her, unsure of what to say. It’s not like I can say I knew she didn’t mean it, because that would be a lie. I still feel like deep down she feels like her life would be easier without me. And honestly it probably would. 

“Maybe you’re right though.” I whisper, surprised that the words came out of my mouth. I certainly didn’t mean them to, but they did. They just slipped, like the tears I hadn’t noticed forming in my eyes. I roll my eyes, wiping them away. No use in feeling pitiful. What was I to expect with this lifestyle? Maybe I’m just meant to be alone during this time. 

“No… no.” She sniffles, realizing that her words had taken hold. “Oh Tae,” She sobbed, pushing herself into my chest. “I need you in my life. I can’t express how much you mean to me. I really didn’t mean it. I can’t even believe I said that.” Her tears soak through the fabric and I barely hug her back. Even if she wants me back in her life there has to be some backing behind her words. Moments of unhappiness.

“Tae listen to me.” Her fingers grasp at my collar, bringing my attention to her. Her brows were furrowed in anger as she pressed her fists into my chest. “I love you. There’s no one like you. I…”

My eyes roll away from her, doubtful. The tears flowed smoothly now, there was no stopping them. I press my fingers into my eyes, trying to see through the tears. It just doesn’t make any sense why she would say that and not mean it. “T… there has to be a reason.” I hiccup, attempting to push her away from me. “There has to be a reason you said it.” I blubber, hiding my face in my shirt sleeve. Wishing I could stop crying. Wishing I believed her. 

I feel her wrapping herself around me, and taking my hands away from my face. Weakly I let them drop to my sides. Letting my lashes stick together by keeping my eyes closed. 

“Kim Taehyung.” Her breath is hot on my face, as her soft fingers trace under my eyes. “There’s no reason.” She sniffs, “I love you.” She leans into me, our foreheads touching. “Please don’t keep what I said in your heart.”

 My head slides away from her, resting on her collarbone, and taking heavy breaths. How can it not linger? This feeling. 

“Please forgive me Tae.” She hugs me closer. Of course I can do that. That isn’t the problem. “I want to go into this year with you… I want to spend all the years of my life with you.” She rambles on, “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” I can’t respond, and so she continues, “please we can fix this…” 

I sigh, collecting myself, and taking a deep breath against her skin. “Yeah.” It’s all I can muster, still not sure how I feel. It’s not like I don’t want to be with her, it’s just… Does she really want to be with me? I couldn’t live with the fact that she didn’t want to continue this but did anyway. I’m not even sure how I could forget this. I don’t want it to stay on my mind but I don’t think I’ll be able to help it. Though as we sit here, I’m just grateful to be in her arms. 

~

“Hey” I open sticky eyes, to the someone poking my cheek softly. Mara’s swollen but soft eyes are looking into mine, us still glued to each other on the couch. We must have fallen asleep, I blink a few times, stretching my arm out from under her. She has a small smile, one that makes me melt. Speaking softly she pulls her phone around to me. “Look.” With squinted eyes from the bright screen I see that it's 11:58 pm. She sets the phone down, leaning on her hand, “We didn’t miss the ball drop. Do you maybe want to watch it?” 

I smile whispering, “I thought you didn’t want to watch it a third time.” 

She sits up shrugging, “it’s different this time.” Her eyes find mine, and then she immediately looks away, “Though I doubt this tv gets the right channels.” I shuffle up in my seat as she gets up, rolling her head over her shoulders. 

After my mind has adjusted to being awake I stand, following her as she flips the tv on, scanning through the channels, though the time has already turned to 11:59. There's some news channels but they aren't showing the countdown. 

“Dangit we are gonna miss it.” She whines, but only looking half upset. 

I huff at her pout, quickly pulling up the ball drop on youtube. “See it’s that easy.”  25. 24. 

Her teeth show in a smile as she curls around me, watching the ball fall on the tiny little screen. 19. 18. “Can we kiss?” She kinda laughs at herself after asking, her eyes falling to the floor. Though I’m shocked she asked. 

“Yeah… of course.” She still seems hesitant, until I set the phone down on the bed, turning my attention completely to her. 10. 9.

She attempts to look in my eyes, but her’s just drag down to my chest once more. “I love you Tae.” 8. 7. My hand finds her chin, pulling it up slightly so our eyes do meet. And the blush forming on her cheeks makes me blush in return. Reminding me of the first time we kissed. 6. 5. I push my forehead onto hers, rubbing circles on her temples. 4. 3. 

“I love you too.” 2. 1. And I pull her face into mine, our lips softly clashing. Making me miss her more, and never want to let go. But I do. Breathing softly onto each other’s faces, breaking into smiles. 

She looks down to my phone with a grin, pulling it up to my face. “Look! It’s 2021!” 

[dreams-of-a-lark]

(Lark and Elias’s first and last photos together)

TASK 1: THE LAST DAY

January 11, 2016 7:00 AM, EST 12:00 PM, GMT

“Lark, you know I love you—”

“Boring.”

“Mmm fair. It’s fine, I have others. How about this one? Lark, you mean more to me than—” 

“Erh! Nope. Try again.”

“Oh, come on, you barely let me start!”

“Boo hoo… I knew where you were going with it. Got anything else?”

“Just one more, I was saving this one for last. It’s the best one I have, so will you let me actually get going before you stop me this time?” 

“Maybe. Compel me and we’ll see. I want to see you dig into the deep recesses of your soul, pull out your raw, still-beating heart and lay it bare. Otherwise, what am I even here for?”

“You’re unbelievable. But fine… Ahem...” Elias closed his eyes and let out a deep, shuttered sigh, “Lark. Before I met you, I had lost almost all faith in humanity. I found it impossible to believe that anyone acted with genuinely good intentions. I was bitter, cynical, lonely… and then, just as I was on the precipice of giving up on people entirely, there you were. Right on time. This pure light, banishing all my shadows. You are everything I was once sure didn’t exist in reality, but also the most real thing I’ve ever encountered.

The sheer amount of love you have to give blows me away. Love isn’t something you keep a reserve of only for certain special people. For you, love permeates the air around you everywhere you go and anyone lucky enough to meet you or know you gets to breathe it freely. Lark, you are so good, with no expectations or conditions attached to it, but just because it’s your nature. You make me want to be better everyday now, whereas before… I was just working on the motivation to be, period point blank. 

I have had the unfathomable privilege to breathe your love everyday for the past eight years and I hope you’ve felt even a fraction of what you’ve given me reflected back to you. Because, Lark, I love you more than I have the words to say. I love you with every last bit of life in me and I want to love you and feel your love for just that long, until the very last bit of life leaves me and I’m returned to the earth. I don’t know where I’ll be in the next five, ten, fifty years, all I know is I want to be wherever you are. So, Lark Dorian Crain, will you marry me?”

A silence hung in the air accompanied only by a faint mechanical whirring and the low buzz of an LCD screen. Katie finally broke it, her voice glitching and tinny through Elias’s small laptop speakers, “Better.” She said simply.

“Seriously? That’s it?” Elias replied, his voice laden with shock and disappointment.

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful, definitely a solid start. I almost teared up a few times. But, as all first drafts go, it could use some improvement.”

“It’s not my first draft, though…”

“Eh, feels like a first draft, love.”

“You know, sometimes it’s almost impossible to believe you’re related to Lark, let alone twins?”

“To be fair, do you know anyone in our family that’s really like Lark?”

“Eleanor.”

“Not related to us, stupid.”

“Mmm.. true. Ugh! Katydid... What do I Katy-do?”

“Well, for starters, you could never do whatever that just was again. Secondly, stop worrying about it, seriously. Knowing Lark, you could throw the ring across the deck and say, ‘go fetch if you wanna marry me’ and he’ll be running for it in an instant.”

Elias rolled his eyes, but smiled fondly at the thought of Lark bounding eagerly around the ship. It filled his heart whenever he thought of Lark’s joy, to think he had the power to bring so much of it to the surface baffled him endlessly.

“I’m so nervous,” he admitted.

“You don’t need to be,” Katie reassured him, “All jokes aside, it’s beautiful, and Lark loves you so much. You may not have moved me to tears, but you’ll definitely move him to tears. And then he’s going to blush like a damned schoolgirl and say yes a million times, like the sappy romantic he is.”

“You think so?”

“If he doesn’t, call an exorcist immediately, because that’s not Lark.”

Elias scoffed, but this was comforting encouragement to hear. Nothing he didn’t secretly already know, but it didn’t hurt to be reminded when he was feeling self-conscious. He breathed in deeply, filling up his cheeks with air, then puffing it back out through the small ‘o’ his mouth formed. 

“You’re right, I know.”

“I know you know. Listen, I’ve got to get back to work, love. I can call you when I get off, if you want, but you really should just enjoy your time with him today. Just act like it’s any other day... on a fancy cruise ship with the love of your life. Right?” 

Elias nodded, “Right. No need to call me back, you’re right. I’m just going to enjoy the day with him. Have a good day at work, I’m sure we’ll both call you after it happens.”

“I’ll be sure to hold the phone far away from my ear, so you all can squeal without busting my eardrums. Bye for now, then.”

“Alright. Bye Katie.”

The call ended and Elias closed his computer and looked out over the beautiful expanse of ocean surrounding the ship. Lark was still asleep in their cabin and probably would be for another couple of hours or so, it was nearly impossible to wake him anytime before 9 am. So Elias decided to stay for a while, taking in the peacefulness of the empty deck while the majority of the ship’s passengers slept, rocked by the lullaby of gentle waves.

January 11, 2016 9:00 AM, EST

Elias crept silently back into their cabin to find Lark sleeping fitfully, brows furrowed, eyelids knit tight. This was normally fairly unusual, but lately he’d been experiencing an uptick of nightmares that he didn’t like telling Elias much about for some reason. Elias eased down onto the edge of the bed and carefully lowered a hand down toward his forehead, fingers grazing across, pushing aside a stray curl. Almost instantaneously, Lark’s expression softened at his touch. It was moments like this that reminded him just how strong their connection was, the small gestures that could soothe one another’s most turbulent emotions.

He leaned down and pressed a light kiss on Lark’s cheek at which his eyes fluttered open, gazing weary oceans up at him. A soft smile, wrapt in security accompanied the gaze and Elias felt a pang in his chest as his heart skipped in response. “Morning, sleepyhead,” he sang softly to him.

Lark hummed and curled around where he sat, “Mmmmm… no.”

“No? What do you mean, no?”

“Not morning,” Lark muttered.

“It is, though.”

Lark shook his head, “No,” he mumbled, sleepiness still heavy in his voice, “still nighttime.”

“Oh is it now?” Elias asked, to which Lark nodded. Then, before he had a chance to react, he felt long arms wrap around him and pull him down and over into the bed, “Ah! Lark!” He laughed, “What’s this?”

“We sleep now,” Lark cooed, clearly very pleased with the results as he held Elias close. 

Elias let out another gentle laugh and turned to face the larger man, pressing his forehead to the other’s and cupping his face in his hands. “I love you,” he whispered.

Eyes closed, Lark gave a delighted smile. “Mhmmm,” he hummed in response, raising a hand to Elias’s eyelids in an attempt to shut them, “we sleep now.”

“Okay,” Elias giggled, “we sleep now, just a little longer.”

January 11, 2016 1:20 pm, EST

Elias woke to find Lark gone. Where was he? He rolled to sit up in the bed and checked his phone. 1:20 pm. Of course it was. With a stretch and a hearty yawn, he began to work on getting to his feet and looked around. The room was empty, the shower wasn’t going either, then he saw a shadow through the blinds leading out onto the small balcony of their room.

He opened the blinds to find Lark sitting in a wicker chair, sipping tea, gazing out over the water in placid solitude. There was a bottle of champagne and a pitcher of orange juice sitting on the table next to him, along with two champagne flutes and a bouquet of roses resting in a faceted crystal vase. Elias smiled to himself and slid open the glass door onto the balcony, coming up behind Lark who turned his head slightly towards him. 

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” Lark said, seemingly completely unaware of the irony.

“It’s nearly 1:30.”

The other shrugged, “Morning is a state of mind.”

“Okay,” Elias laughed, draping his arms around Lark’s shoulders, and kissing the top of his head, “what’s all this?” He pointed at the set up on the table, to which Lark rose from his seat, came around to hug him tight, and laid a tender kiss on his lips. 

He smiled, then turned to pour two mimosas, “Happy Anniversary,” he said, holding out a glass to Elias. 

They clinked glasses and sat on the balcony, sipping their drinks, enjoying that serene silence they could only take true comfort in with one another. Every once in a while Elias would glance over at Lark’s satisfied face, the view of the ocean sparkling in his bright eyes. It didn’t matter where they were, Elias knew, but this was perfect. He wondered if he shouldn’t just pop the question right now, but the ring stayed in his pocket, waiting for a moment more perfect than this one. 

January 11, 2016 5:30 pm, EST

Elias hopped and shimmied as he pulled on his slim fit black slacks and tucked his stark white button up into them. He sifted through his bag and spread out the various necktie options he’d brought with him — plain black, floral, black and blue stripes, matte and satin striped maroon, black bowtie with subtle gold stars. A muffled sound of happy singing came from beneath the hiss of the running shower in the background. Elias looked back toward the bathroom and smiled, then turned to eye the bowtie lying on the bed. He was no good at tying bowties, Lark would have to help him, which made it the obvious choice in accessory. 

“Lark! Hurry up, our reservation’s at 6:00.” 

The singing stopped, “What’s that?” Lark called from the bathroom.

“I said... move your butt!” he called back.

“It’s always moving, love!”

“You know what I mean.” 

“Alright, alright, I’ll be out in a minute.” 

The shower went on for a little longer, then the hissing became a light trickle and, soon enough, a thick fog of steam rolled out of the bathroom door, orange light dissipated through the clouds. Lark strolled out, towel tied around his waist, drops of water hanging from the ends of his hair and glistening on his shoulders. He eyed Elias with the untied tie around his neck. A pleased laugh escaped his lips as he inched toward Elias and tugged at the ends of the bowtie, pulling him in for a kiss.

“Did you pick this tie just so I’d help you with it?” Lark asked.

Elias shrugged, “Maybe I did, you don’t know me.”

“No, of course I don’t.” Lark smirked and gently traced the side of Elias’s face with his fingertips, taking a moment to savor the sight of him. Eight years in and seeing Lark look at him like this still made Elias’s heart race.

“We have to get a move on,” Elias muttered, breathlessly. 

Lark cleared his throat, coming back to earth, and brought his hand back down to the tie. “Right,” he said matter-of-factly, then started on the tie. He worked the ends over and under, focus woven into his furrowed brow. Elias glanced down to watch his hands move then glanced back up at him. “There,” Lark fluffed the bowtie proudly when he had finished and met Elias’s gaze again.  

“I love you.” Elias reminded him for the millionth time and pulled him down to meet his lips, running his hands through Lark’s wet hair. 

Lark responded in kind, wrapping his long wingspan tight around Elias’s waist, “I love you too,” he whispered into Elias’s lips.

“I know,” Elias said and patted Lark’s chest as they pulled apart, “Now get dressed, we have like fifteen minutes.”

January 11, 2016 8:00 pm, EST

Elias and Lark walked hand in hand across the top deck of the ship, stomachs full, hearts warm, and heads perhaps a bit too light from a day full of champagne. Above them hung a cloudless, black blanket of sky encrusted with brightly shimmering, diamond stars and the thin sliver of a waxing crescent moon. Not far from them, a band played a harmonious violin cover of “You Are The Reason” with soft percussion accentuating the background. 

Lark pulled away, still holding onto Elias’s hand at arm's length, “Dance with me?” he asked.

Elias looked around the deck at the other families and couples enjoying the night around them, “There’s so many other people.” 

“So what?”

“They might be watching us.”

“Then we’d better put on a good show for them, don’t you think?” Lark smiled, pulling him back in and holding him close. 

Elias sighed, but a blush pulled the corners of his mouth into a coy smile. He wrapped his arms around Lark’s neck and leaned into him as they spun around the deck. Holding each other like this felt equal parts due to the desire to be close to one another and the necessity to help one another remain standing. The more they danced the more the effects of the day’s drinks took their toll and it wasn’t long until they had to slow to a stop. 

“Getting a little dizzy?” Elias laughed.

“Just a little,” Lark agreed. Then his face got serious and he pulled Elias with him towards the railing of the ship to look out over the water, shimmering under the stars. 

“I don’t want this night to end,” he said as they walked.

“Neither do I…” a pause settled between them. 

“Lark—” / “Elias—” They both spoke the other’s names in unison, followed by another unison, “sorry.” Then Elias spoke alone, “You go first.”

“Oh, uh,” Lark began, thrusting his hands into his pockets. He seemed to be fidgety all of a sudden, “Well, Elias… I know you know how much I love you, but I just wanted to say… before I met you…” Was this going where Elias thought? Had they really had the same idea at the same time? Well, he’d be damned if Lark was going to upstage his proposal. He gave a knowing smirk and stepped forward towards the other, “Lark…” but suddenly… time seemed to slow.

January 11, 2016 8:15:28 pm, EST

“… sorry.” Lark squinted and shook his head slightly, slow blinking.

January 11, 2016 8:15:30 pm, EST

Lark’s knee gave out on him and he stumbled back a bit.

January 11, 2016 8:15:32 pm, EST

Elias noticed the railing behind him fell just below Lark’s hip level. His eyes widened and he reached out to him.

January 11, 2016 8:15:33 pm, EST

The railing of the ship caught the back of Lark’s thigh.

January 11, 2016 8:15:34 pm, EST

“LARK!” 

January 11, 2016 1:15:28 - 1:15:34 am, GMT

Katie slept fitfully, alone in her small, twin bed, nestled in her small, one bedroom, Hampstead flat. In her dream, a flock of seagulls surrounded a small brown bird with a yellow face, a white underside, and black accent marks across it’s chest, under its eyes and in the tufts that sat upon its head. The small bird desperately flapped its wings to stay in the air, but the gulls, ten times its size, flapped their wings with all the more force down upon it.

January 11, 2016 8:15:35 pm, EST

Lark flipped over the railing, tumbling down towards the frigid waters below. A small crowd on the deck gasped as they bore witness. Elias ran to the railing and climbed readying himself to jump in after, but, just as he was about to take the leap a couple bystanders stopped him. 

January 11, 2016 1:15:35 am, GMT

Katie sprung up in her bed and screamed, cold sweat running down her face. An indescribable feeling of unbearable loss hit her core and ricocheted through her body.

January 11, 2016 8:15:36 pm, EST

The two bystanders held Elias tight, while others ran to find crew members that could help. “NO!” Elias screamed, “LET GO OF ME! LARK!” His body, completely sober now, shook with shock and tears cascaded from his eyes. “LET GO OF ME, GODDAMMIT!” He struggled against the ones holding him, finally breaking free and running back to the railing. His eyes scanned the water, desperately searching for signs of Lark, but couldn’t make out even the slightest shadow of a body. “LARK!” He called out. “LARK!” His knees buckled and he collapsed against the railing. “HELP HIM! SOMEBODY! Do something!” His forehead pressed hard against the bars, as his voice gave out, cracking a helpless, “please…” the bustle of crew members rushing to help Lark echoed from lower decks.

“Please… Lark… help him… somebody… bring him back…” It was impossible to see through the blinding film of tears rippling across his eyes, “please… I can’t… please don’t let him be gone… I can’t… I can’t… please… I can’t… somebody… Lark… I love you… please… I can’t.” 

January 11, 2016 1:15:36 am, GMT

On the other side of the world, Katie sat alone in her bed and heaved untamable sobs for reasons wholly unknown, save for the fact that it felt like something had reached into the deep recesses of her soul and snapped her still-beating heart in half, leaving the memory of it lingering like a phantom limb. 

January 11, 2016 1:30 am, GMT

A high tinnitus whine made its home in her ears, as she tried to process what she was feeling. Then the phone rang.