#i think i just wish i was less lonely???? but thats my bad im not too hot at making friends lol

[phagodyke]

aouuugh my uterus......

[itsalwaysdark]

whining hours . sry

[the-56th-court-jester]

HI

this is my first post. today is my birsthday !!!! :]

[psuedosugu]

Ohhhh my golly I saw your Vox x daughter reader an it got me thinking now HEAR ME OUT….what if reader got bored on day an just went for a walk and somehow came across Alastor, now let’s say Alastor’s a lil confused like he never knew Vox had a daughter and readers like *sad sigh* “I’d be surprised if anyone knew” an Alastors all fatherly to her at first it was to get dirt on Vox without reader realizing but in the end he just liked hanging out with her. Eventually Vox noticed how his daughter is gone half the time but reader just convinces her dad that she’s always home and how HES the one always away. Change the ending how you see fit or do whatever you like but UGH I love your writing stay hydrated and eat wellll🩵

assjjjkkj thank youuu the amount of feedback ive gotten on this acc that ive only been posting on for like 3 days is insane, anyways this is such an interesting idea omgee

cw: reader having some emotionally absent daddy issues

fem reader

pt 1 here

ִֶָ 𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆★⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

͙͘͡★ || so you had just gone out on an innocent walk, right?

͙͘͡★ || well, technically snuck out since your dad doesn’t like you going out by yourself.

͙͘͡★ || theres bad people out there! what if you got kidnapped or something?

͙͘͡★ || no one recognizes you, of course, since he doesn’t really talk about you let alone shows you to the public.

͙͘͡★ || you appreciate him for that, you guess, it must be annoying to not be able to go anywhere without a bunch of microphones in your face.

͙͘͡★ || you just wish he was around more! he barely makes any time for you and yeah, his work is super important and time consuming but you’re his daughter!

͙͘͡★ || lost in thought, you bump into a dude in the sidewalk.

͙͘͡★ || “whoops! excuse me, ma’am!”, he says in a weird, static-ish voice.

͙͘͡★ || your skeleton almost jumps out of your skin when you look up.

͙͘͡★ || the radio demon, the guy that your dad has had beef with since you were little

͙͘͡★ || you just stare at him with a “ :o “ look on your face, not knowing if you should run or not.

“little girl, are you, um, alright?” he stares down at you, slightly confused.

“im…uhhh…im okay!”

“you’ve heard of me, i suppose.”

“i guess…. my dad doesn’t really like you.”

“and who might your father be, hm?”

“yk the tv dude? the one thats, like, everywhere? yeah, that him.”

“hmm…interesting…i wasn’t aware he had a daughter…”

“well, he doesn’t really talk about…..”

͙͘͡★ || at this point you stop blabbing mid sentence, realizing you probably shouldn’t have said all of that to his sworn enemy.

͙͘͡★ || what if he does kidnap you and holds you for ransom?

͙͘͡★ || but he doesn’t do that, surprisingly.

͙͘͡★ || he asks you why you’re out alone so late and you shrug, saying that your dad wasn’t really there to stop you.

͙͘͡★ || you were naive and alastor was planning to use that to his advantage, not to hurt you, but to hurt vox.

͙͘͡★ || what would he think when he found out that his own daughter was buddy-buddy with his sworn enemy?

͙͘͡★ || he’d feel like a failure of a father, and thats what alastor wanted, to get under his skin.

͙͘͡★ || you guys walked while you told him everything, about him being away all the time, about you feeling lonely, while he nodded along

͙͘͡★ || you guys even stopped at one of those old timey bar places and bought you a milkshake!

͙͘͡★ || eventually you headed home, your dad hadn’t noticed you had been gone which figures.

͙͘͡★ || this became routine, you hung out with alastor and he gave you advice and stuff. you thought that if he had an ulterior motive it would’ve shown itself by now but no, it hadn’t.

��͙͘★ || alastor himself had started to forget why he had even started all of this. he found himself enjoying your company and actually caring about you.

͙͘͡★ || after a while vox started to notice that he’s been seeing you less than he usually does.

͙͘͡★ || i mean, the tower is big but cmon! there were days where he would barely see you at all! where were you going?

͙͘͡★ || he confronted you about it at dinner one day.

“[name], dearest, i cant help but notice that i haven’t been seeing you around much lately. what’ve you been up to?”

͙͘͡★ || you pause, looking up from your food.

“i, um, dont know what you’re talking about.”

͙͘͡★ || he furrows his (virtual) eyebrows.

“is that so?”

“mhm!”

͙͘͡★ || vox is reasonably skeptical and resorts to spying on you through your smartwatch because of course you have a voxtech branded smartwatch!

͙͘͡★ || hes absolutely livid when he finds out who you’ve been sneaking out to be with and he’s waiting for you when you get home.

͙͘͡★ || you’re indefinitely grounded until he says so and he starts tracking where you go in the tower.

͙͘͡★ || he knows that its a violation of privacy and stuff but dont you see that he’s trying to protect you? alastor is dangerous! he doesn’t get how you didn’t see it earlier.

͙͘͡★ || alastor does succeed on what he set out to do, though. vox is distraught, feeling like a horrible father. he even vents to valentino about it out of all the people!

“-i mean, what kind of father doesn’t even notice their own child sneaking out in broad daylight every day? i should’ve paid more attention to her, im a failure!”

“mhm….yeah….”

͙͘͡★ || val obviously doesn’t give a shit.

͙͘͡★ || after not bumping into you for a while and seeing the up in vox slandering him online, alastor figures what happened.

͙͘͡★ || he’s glad that he succeeded in his mission to bother vox further but does miss talking to you.

͙͘͡★ || vox does vow to make more time for you and be a more attentive dad, so i guess some good comes out of this.

ִֶָ 𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆★⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

i do requests!

check out my masterlist!

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

👁️👁️🔂👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️

cringe at myself.....,.....

im aa FOOOOOLLLLLLLL 🫥

Sometimes i think, im a real artist or something..

But whats even real about me? everything i do only exists online

majority of it being on TUNBLR of all places.

fragile fucking tumblr.

my entire life is my imagination and fantasies my entire life is a thoughtform. how can i be a real artist if im barely even a real person in "reality".

not even banishedgirl but intangible girl.

The other day, when i posted about how i want to use the inter net less but im too lonely to stop, i feel it came back to bite me today, in a way i didnt want at all, for the short time my blog was gone, and this brought to my attention, how truly deeply foolish i am

i could disappear so fast like nothing because its all just 👉🧠💭 up here

Even tho my blog is back now. i cant get that feeling off of me. Like yeah there no reason my blog would actually be deleted, unless you know like, tumblr just got discontinued as a website. Which is not an unlikely scenario. i often wonder how long they'll keep paying for these servers. We saw what happened with myspace...

if tumblr was gone, id really be GONE gone

like. i dont exist.

sick to my stomach all day. even if i export my blog and put it on a hard drive ... does it even matter? it literally is not even "matter" it is pixels it is thin air.

How do i be a real girl in the real world

in utena , the "real world" is actually all an illusion. and i believe that to be true for our world too. In a way ive always believed my fantasies and spirits are more real than my body

But i still do want to exist here. i almost have to live in denial about this to stay sane. But i want to exist forever. i want a normal life and friends. i want normal things.. its disgusting.. i feel sick!!!!! im so happy but im so miserable. i love myself but im so insecure. i dont understand anything. i resent fakeness but im fake too. im all just words and space and airy air air

How do i change my life how do i stop yearning to Prove that i exist..... Why do i want to prove it so bad

WHY DID I HAVE TO BE CONFRONTED W THIS TODAY WHAT AM I BEING CALLED TO DO

Like dude i am already going thru it lately. i didnt need any more crisisfuel.

IDK i have to believe its some kind of catalyst to save myself , lest i succumb to the void

it has to show me something i needed to see.

Stuff like this makes me want to disappear in a way that i have total agency over. (Not like in a killing my self way but just in a going away way.) Thats not practical though is it i know thats my evil side talking.

trapped in a sticky web trapped in this glue trap thats what gets me all defiant.

the book im reading rn is from the 70s. i wish i was writing books not posts... i wish i was meeting people in real life the way the author describes in the book. I know the vainly imagined past doesnt hold all the answers either. Good chance i wouldve been institutionalized for woman hysteria or st. But i dont like whats happening here i dont feel natural at all. And its not just me who feels it, clearly.

if only i could be the one who finds comfort in impermenance.

do i accept what im dissatisfied with, do i try to change, or both, or neither?

i am sad

i am existentially disturbed

and i am fucking arrogant 🥴

for wanting to be real.

FUCK!!!!! ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

[omanu]

update

hey it's me! im pretending you (this is a specific you, if youre not this You, you will know, but if you are this You, you will know) are trying to know about me without engaging in a conversation, though i doubt im crossing your mind these days... i feel really lonely right now and i dont know if you know that you were the only one interested in me and now that you arent anymore i realized I can't have this with anybody else even if i want to find someone to be special to me but we cant choose these things...

so, update... yeah i have been doing fine in college, i think i got sick by stress twice because of if, i got a cold and an infected ear twice in less than three months... im sure it was somatic.

uhm ive reconnected with an old friend. it's been nice but still confusing to me, i am trying to let myself be hypothetically loved i almost went for it, but i just cant right now, or ever, if I'm being honest.. the only person who i was close with was you and our another friend, and it wasnt even romantic,, isnt that funny? fjskfo you get me, or.. used to get me, like no one else, and i miss that. i miss being heard and cared for, you made me feel special and now that you dont talk to me, everything feels so dull. so dull. nobody wants to hear me rambling and its been so lonely ive been thinking,, did you want to hear me rambling back then? was i too forceful? i felt loved but maybe i didnt understand that it was a burden for you? maybe i didnt realize it was bad for you... maybe? i think i could have been better.

you know what? im thinking about the last time you sent me a voice message. It was beautiful but at the end of it i realized you were saying goodbye, gently. i guess you were and I didn't realize until days later, i thought it was another confirmation of our bond but i was a goodbye wasnt it? i didn't realize... thats why i kept coming back trying to get you to exchange updates... i really didn't realize. I feel stupid.

anyways,, updates, updates... im obsessed with elvis now. do you think he is cool? do you hate him? or do you understand how I feel and likes that im having fun? im at a moment i cant really talk about him with my family because it's feeling too personal right now.. if you were here i maybe you'd wanna listen to me, but i dont know anymore...

hoseok is a free man again. i dont care much about bts anymore can you believe it? but i care a lot about hoseok still.

maybe i will make a trip to a concert in February. i went on one last year and i saw alter bridge too, so that makes it two trips ... did i get the chance to talk to you about them? i dont remember.. i think i did but i think you werent in the mood, but honestly i might b making this shit up, i think you had said goodby before that. maybe... my bad!

i want to know about you. i see your stories on instagram, youre baking a lot. have you moved out already? i love seeing your bread dkdkdk and you are still so funny, i miss your silliness. i know youre active online with your friends i wish i could be there too.. why is it easier with them? i thought i was doing really well.

i dont think i had the courage back then, to admit it to myself or to tell you but i feel really hurt by you, didnt know how bad i was hurt.. i cant believe we are apart like this i didn't know we could even be... and here i am, apart from you, hurting all the same. i didnt accept it yet.

i wonder if you are feeling anything by now, if youre feeling an odd poke at ur brain, if you're feeling me, if you can feel a slight perturbation, or if any object fell off, or if you remembered something i said, or if youre gonna feel it in your sleep... you know, with all the universe energy that connects us. i think. i think when i think of you you maybe thought of me, or the other way around? but at the same time i doubt i crossed your mind. have i? i hope so, i miss you a lot. You dont wanna come back?

ok. updates ... i dont think i have much else, maybe thats why keeping contact with me might feel stagnating or depressing or just wrong. can i change? is that my problem? i think im trying my best by myself? am i by myself? i dont know i feel like its been years im not heard . it's been years you dont talk to me. i think it has been years

anyways, updates... i miss you a lot, i think im heartbroken. and it's hurting too much today, i feel lonely and pathetic. im crying right now, you know? when did you cry last? what made you cry? is everything alright with your dogs? how about your cats? do you still walk around your neighborhood? do you need anything? how's your mother? did you think of me? i dont know if i think about you every day, but lately i kind of have.

bye.

[ramblingsofjane]

being a stay at home mom is the most thankless job ever.

I am not enjoying it. And often I feel bad about it because SAHM is a dream for some. When we got pregnant the plan was I was going to work at least one day a week, but when my hubs switched jobs that wasn't really doable anymore. and im so nervous to put my kid in day care. so thats not an option until he's older for us, but I never knew how lonely this would be. and thankless. and moneyless. and retirement-less. I hate having to rely on my husband for retirement. I got a bachelors degree, but had a kid right after and I feel like it was a waste, or im wasting it? idk. And no one ever reaches out to talk or hang out. im just in a forgotten realm of "mom can I watch tv/?." And my husband is great, but he truly just doesn't understand. I wish I could make as much as him, so he can be the stay at home parent. he'd be better at it than i would. maybe. idk. I think everyone thinks they'd love it until they did it. But, I'm def not good at it. On top of it I'm 8 mos pregnant again. We wanted a sibling, bc we are both close to our siblings, but damn I'll be disappointed if they grow up to hate each other. This is the third time I've been sick this pregnancy. the first time in Nov with covid, then a cold in January, and a cold now. Plus I have gestational diabetes. I've felt awful this whole pregnancy. my husband stayed home a couple days this week and im annoyed because he hardly did anything to help. even though we were both sick, me probably more so with the pregnancy. and then he said I feel less rested than if I had gone to work. *Insert eye roll* must be nice to go to fucking work and relax. Today he's at work and im looking around the house like, I have to clean up after him. he made soup and it's still on the stove. from yesterday. did he make any for us? No, just himself. I made the kids brekkie, and lunch, all week. he picked up dinner fro, bk last night. idk man. I just feel so depressed. And we have it good right? A roof over our head, and the food all stocked. There are people starving all over the world and being subjected to genocide, and im complaining about having to stay at home by myself all day. pathetic. IDK. I just made this blog so I could free type my whining and hopefully feel a bit better.

[cleromancy]

YEAH LIKE... I DON'T THINK THERES ENOUGH EXPLORATION OF JASON AS SIR NEVER-MET-A-FIRE-HE-COULDNT-THROW-KEROSENE ON. the makes it worse guy!!! bc like Jason CAN be so completely earnest but thats on rarer occasions, most of the time he's an absolute cunt. and he is playing mind games like you wouldn't believe, jason would be winning the chess match even WITHOUT eating the pieces but baby he just does it for the love of the game!!!!

and honestly im really interested in like. the juxtaposition btwn that and jason being a little bit obsessed with tim in the way where. god, post-resurrection jason is SO lonely and SO unwell about it. and like i said originally all these comics are bad to the point where I don't necessarily expect other people to incorporate them into their interpretation of jason so if someone wants to be like "actually i think jason should think tim sucks and be deeply unimpressed with him" ykw thats fair. but i mean. god. okay i mentioned all of these in my original post but im going to actually post panels now to talk about hang on. (atp im less in conversation with the person im reblogging from and more just rambling again lmao, sorry)

but god i do think its SO funny that canon post crisis jason actually thinks pretty highly of tim, the guy he repeatedly wipes the floor with

teen titans:

like. okay so first of all I understand that jason having delved into fucking tim drake lore to find this out was not an active characterization choice, it was bad writing. jason knows this bc the reader knows it. but in-universe this is not like. common knowledge. talias opinion on tim drake begins and ends with "spends too much time on those computers of his." he could access various peoples files on tim but to extrapolate this level of *correct* information from what ppl would feasibly write down or even know in the first place? HES THOUGHT ABOUT THIS A LOT.

AND HE DOESNT BELIEVE ITS POSSIBLE BC HE THINKS ITS JUST SO. VERY. IMPRESSIVE. its so goofy like its sooooo goofy!!!!!

compels me though.

gonna be honest. i just don't think jasons capable of being normal about that. and then he ends the comic being like "well im just going to think about this a regular amount." let me know how that works out for you baby

"hes good" [footage not found]

like...when did you suss that out jay? was it before or after you beat the ever loving crap out of him?

robin:

this is also like. immediately before and after two things im just like heehoo i dont see it. (the first being wanting to use kids as fodder and the second being tim saying jason thinks like a blunt instrument, although the second one honestly i can still work with. tim thinking jasons a moron is funny, honestly, and itd be fun to see a version of robin 177 where tim gets his ass royally kicked for underestimating him after YEARS of mentally rewriting his understanding of jasons robin years so his imagined narrative conveniently supports Jason not being good enough). god honestly this arc was almost as much of a trash fire as bftc. fucking ulysses pulled the red robin suit out of the dumpster jason left it in to go harangue tim, which i had completely forgotten about

anyway

jasons so fucking annoying. god bless.

(side note: i love that "still." like. jason is taking the adoption and name change *exactly* as seriously as it deserves and also zeroing RIGHT in on a weak spot. classic jason.)

bftc:

and tim proceeding to hit jason with the crowbar... this is a good fucking ship. i fucking wish these comics were good

AND I MEAN-- i only read as much into the picture wall in lost days as i do bc i already ship it but like. its there. it sure is fucking there.

anyway what we have here is like. the Jason-Liker's Dilemma, where its like we have to cherry pick through bad comics and massively inconsistent characterization to decide what we'll incorporate into our personal canon and this is really one of those where. even though the actual canon is pretty clear that jason thinks highly of tim and keeps seeking him out im not going to argue with anyone who wants to be like "postcrisis jason hated him actually" bc like. whos to say, maybe the comics youre pretending exist would have actually been good instead of bad.

but to ME these instances took root in my brain and now im just like. jason todd wants to crack tim open like an otter with an oyster jason wants to crawl inside him like a tauntaun jason needs to get RIGHT UP IN THERE and figure out what the fuck his deal is. and i think it is very interesting to contemplate how he would go about doing this if given the opportunity.

this is getting way too long....... im just going to send it. lol

the fact that preboot jason never found out tim took jason red robin costume once he "got fired" (-tim, only in the privacy of his own head)/"graduated" (-dick, well-meaning)/"got thrown out with the other garbage" (-damian, hilarious)/"left" (-tim out loud, ignoring them both)

the way tim (reliable narrator) was like. yeah this costume is already tainted and i have to be willing to do morally gray things to prove bruce is alive. so thats why im wearing it. because its tainted. this is the most logical course of action and also the only reasonable explanation i retroactively landed on for a decision i already made

tim also having no way of knowing what the universe jason GOT THAT COSTUME IN WAS LIKE OR WHAT BRUCE DID FOR JASON IN THAT UNIVERSE

and its like well MY interpretation is that. yeah of course he wants to take on one of the outcast's identities to bring bruce back. and then of course hes going to just hang it up when bruce comes back because hes going to stop feeling like an outcast just as soon as bruce comes back and everything goes back to normal. This definitely doesnt signify a major change in the status quo or his role in the family (he *is* still family they signed the papers and everything, they gave him the name, it wasnt just pity its real hes still family he *is*, he hasn't been cast out, he *hasnt*) or his priorities or-- its temporary. when bruce comes back everything is going to be better and he wont need this suit anymore and hes going to hang it up just as soon as he stops feeling this way and everything is going to be fine.

smash cut to bruce upon his return doling out one (1) hug and immediately fucking off on a globe trotting vanity project and Tim just left staring after him like Oh. okay

(and like bruce was never like. going to be able to magically fix anything even if he *had* any interest in doing so. this was not a reasonable expectation tim had. some of the shit tim is losing his absolute marbles over does not actually even *need* to be "fixed." to be excessively clear.)

anyway i think jason "do you really think youre that good" "so work *with* me" "join me. be my robin" todd deserved the chance to really gleefully dig his fingers into every single one of those sore spots. GO FOR IT JASON. MAKE HIM WORSE

also like. god battle for the cowl was so unserious on every possible level but can you imagine if dick at the time had been like "i still cant figure out how he GOT OUT OF PRISON. he used the jla codes! how did he even get those!" and tim (guy who gave jason the fucking codes in robin 182) was just like

yeah. weird

[neverdying-d-e-a-d]

ohgod wjat was that.

hey why do i actively try to burn away and forget my past?

why dont i make an appointment with a therapist already?

i mean

i cant now

what if someone hears me?

...

i n s t i

tu t i o n

a l i z e d

what's that mean?

oh rock music, we're really in it now

okay, its not cool to make portraits of sadness and to self victimize

i dont feel like a victim

i feel like i deserve it all

what

do i mean anything that i write?

i really hope that i don't

or do

eugh

so confusing i'm about to cry

at what point does depression start to become going insane?

is it the same?

eugh..

i mean isnt it insane to want to kill someone? suicidal thoughts?

....

whaaatever.

i have enough love for myself and more

i just wanna talk about the war

._.

it's fucked up

feels redundant to say

but i think im allowed to say obvious things

im allowed to say whatever i want, as long as i think im a good person. right?

sometimes i wish i had parents that taught me to really use my brain

get the thoughts straight

okay

your name is [____ __________]

you feel

uhhh awe shit.

you feel

you feel confused

how are you feeling?

im feeling great.

okay.

your name is [_ _]

you feel

something is wrong

in your head

in the world

in the world

or

no, in your head

or

no, nothings wrong, there is no good or bad or

no, yes there is, you know good from bad.

or, no thats not true wisdom

or, no, thats common knowledge

true wisdom is foolish

or

i always end up knowing nothing

or

um

no, yeah.

your name is ()

you know nothing

you feel light and slightly confused and you feel like if you articulate it well enough you can understand it, you feel convinced

you feel shame remembering that guy feel up your thighs

you feel turned on

noooo you dont. dont kid yourself.

you feel turned on at the idea of you feeling turned on.

you feel basically only real attraction towards yourself

and some men

and

dont tell me youre afraid of women now, too? just because it was a girl what made you so weird as a kid?

point is.

that guy. you liked using him. you wanna hurt him. i honestly dont feel bad about that but i feel like i should

okay, i do

hes a person

so cute too.

but what a rotten little boy

god, its always the lonely emo boys

three times now

ive gotta get scarier, scare them off

no, that. eugh. only attracts them

other boys like boobed people who are non threatening

but those boys...

um

when was the last time you gave one of those boys a real chance? haha.

.

.

.

am i the problem?

sure, why not

....

i dont wanna talk to boys. women. i like women. boys

men and women are basically the same to me i just fear violence and well

....

im not crazy for feeling unsafe around men, am i?

....

i really wish i could ask someone who knows about this

like say, a therapist

eughhh.

im dying

writing is making me feel worse i should go to bed

i dont wanna have a bad dream

but

its okay to do things that scare you

but

it feels different to be in the middle of it all but

but

but

but i live in america

because

because

because my grandfather's editing team are dead

guns bought that ticket

and now im a privileged white british scumbag

living with black mold

maybe thats whats making me feel like this honestly

god i just wanna move somewhere clean

somewhere clean

will this poetry will make me sound insane because it's not beautiful

not worth it to care honestly

i still dont feel better

nono, lets try

im feeling better slowly

yes slowly

quicker now im finally feeling good

no.

im gonna take allergy medication and drop out of college and die on the street

im not really afraid

i dont deserve anything more or less

... right?

[effyoudumbler]

Notes from when I was going insane, 4.12

[Redacted] 

I get so fucking angry when people deviate from the model

I feel so sad

I am quite passionate about it

Unappreciated

But at least I followed my dreams

Instead of the waste other promise me

Instead of nothing

Yes

Nothing 

at all

[Redacted] 

And all of these things make me sad

[Redacted] 

And be sadder still

In fact

Everything makes me sad

I only feel happiness around things I dont understand

Why

Because I am lonely

And happiness is believing in someone else

Surrounded by something I do not understand

I have this Hope, a Belief

Because I see things with logic

That it has a Purpose, a Use, a Way

And I am undaunted

So long as I do not entirely understand it

I will believe, that there IS a way

And that makes me happy

If I wasnt so lonely

I wouldnt need to rely on confusion

Or if I was much stupider, if be forced to rely on others

Oh gross

I have autism

I hate others company, sigh

It isnt like anyone will change

Still awful as ever

[Redacted] 

I am so bored

I already understand it

So i try to tackle it a new way

Be better more efficient more long lasting

Use new techniques and change everything

And thats alot of effort to be honest

But I enjoy that

It makes me happy

I have passion about it

And it makes me sad

And angry

But these are good emotions

Not bad

Bad things, get worse

Anger and sadness do not get worse

[Redacted] 

I just wish, I was dumber

Yeah

So I would understand, much less

And so

I would be happy

Because of the mystery of it all

Id learn new things

All the time right

Id apply new things

I wish

That I was not only dumber

But less efficient and multifaceted

I use too much, and them too little

I should use one, and go All-In

And sure

It is stupid

But stupid makes me happy

And if i dont have confidence

I am ultimately useless

…

Im still alone, though

[Redacted] 

[Redacted] 

Be stupider

More all in

More commited to a single strategy

That will obviously horribly backfire

But

I will be happy

And i know its all a facade anyway

Everyones an idiot

Im certain of it now

Incompetant at nearly everything

Relative to me

[Redacted] 

Because they think its not urgent

And so do not care

Thatll be the story of my life

Till my last breath

What a dull tale

[Redacted] 

[milkshakeworm]

ive lost many things cus my phone broke ive lost money ive lost pics and ive lost both twiter and my notes app so ignore and dont reblog plsss

i wanna block him out of everywhere its disgusting i dont like the spread of social media like i dont want people i know on my tumblr i cant post shit i like anymore nor like talk about my shit i dont want people i know on my twiter where do all the people that follow eachother everywhere post about how fucking disgusted they feel??? i tried journaling but thats too personal and i always write this as some short of help rrachout, even though i dont really espect anyone to reach nor really want anyone outside of the people i know but the formating does help and in thibgs that i know are private it feels useless and uncalledfor and i feel bad for it cause thats how i feel. People talk to their loved ones but im just so lonely, so so lonely I sometimes sit where the monsters in my nkght terrors used to stand to feel in company and god i miss my night terrors if i could go back to where i had them and trade them for the fucking shit i hear wide awake i would in a heartbeat i havent eaten anything in weeks im getting thin and my clothes don't fit me anymore it feels like shit my brown pants are not comfortable cause they are way too big now and none seems to notice all i get is you look the same i dont fucking look the same are you kiddinv me i havent put myself through all of this for yoj to tell me i look the same im unfuckable and disgusting im the worst part of skinny and i can feel my stomach eating itself. People around me trick me into buying food so theys can feel better about themselves not eating i refuse to eat again and less in front of you all i wakw up too early i dlnt study enough im never getting into film school and if i do that woukd b just prolonging the inevitable, that ill never write anything of value when my parents die ill be allne for good there is none there and im sensitive i have feeligs bigger than volcanos and bluer than sea and thers none in my life that will be there, i have this one friend she lives too far but i wish i could be around her forever one of her cats is my deity and i love her i jjst wish i could see her more. I feel so helpless the only person i talk to FUCKING IGNORES ME I want to block him bkt I'll miss him even if i hate him so much and its jjst some prove that im unfuckable and that bit does bother me im unfuckable but why i dont think im ugly and my body its disgusting to me but nlt to them why do they nlt want me why does none ever talk to me i dont even care about feelings im not even asking for someone to care and love me i jist want to be though for i hatemy life bit i dont want to die i jjst wish it went better im waisting my 17 studying and feeling like shit and nlt sleeping or eating but at least i play resident evil with my mom

[virmillion]

complainin’

[metazensae]

.

[reveriecorridor]

for the relationships game tell me about. kizzylien. go. go. go. go

getting blocked by half of tumblr speedrun any% [JOKE]

also good god im putting this under a readmore

describe their canon relationship/dynamic

christ. i dont even know how to put this one into words. kizuna obviously is a bit more detached from lien pre-timeskip bc. she doesnt know him. but he loves her. and he wants to prove that to her. its all about working through their issues and actually building their relationship on Trust. kizzy learns to trust lien, lien reinforces that he'll be there for her, no matter what.

theyre there for each other unconditionally, it just takes them a bit to See That.

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?

oh my god honestly i dont think my Ideal is much different GVJBKH54GN like theyre amazing as is. my only real Different Thing about them is just lien being a lot less Intense when he first meets kizuna, u know? like i get its like. thats just how lien Is, hes stupid and passionate, and mostly played for laughs (and, arguably, in a much better way than freaking. ota and moma also getting played for laughs) but i would personally tone it down juuuust a bit <3

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?

auuuuuuuuhty9550085h4 god where do i start. god WHERE DO I START!!! like immediately uchikoshi already sold me on not going the weird "im going to wait until ur older SPECIFICALLY to date you :)" like. lien actually being onboard with kizuna's suggestion of waiting 6 years to see if their relationship either changes for the better or worse is... its sweet. it actually says alot about lien. like hes not the smartest guy maybe but he's still all in for respecting kizuna's boundaries when the topic of the time capsule gets brought up. and i rlly love that detail pre-timeskip :)

but. god. post-timeskip? literally EVERYTHING about them is interesting to me bc it means Everything to me. lien still loves kizuna. kizuna has come to love lien. but theyre both working through different layers of guilt (lien feels personally responsible for not being able to protect kizzy, kizzy is working through both blaming herself for putting her friends in danger AND not feeling worthy of being on the receiving end of lien's affection bc she thinks he only stays out of pity.)

which is. not true. they both have come to care about the other. but theyre both so deep into it they almost end up breaking up if it werent for mizuki going Out Of Her Way to prove them both wrong. like thats what they NEED. they NEED an outsider to just. break their walls down. make them See whats there already.

and while i dont think it needed to have been mizuki specifically (it couldve been ryuki. I WISH IT COULDVE BEEN RYUKI THEYRE HAPPY BC OF RYUKIS SMART IDEA) their relationship is just. its jsut so good i love it. also they IMMEDIATELY get bonus points bc kizuna's disability isnt treated as a joke, and lien doesnt have any sort of weird bullshit arc of "am i gonna be able to love her now that shes like this" or whatever the hell else ableds can come up with.

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?

uuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuu Remembering when i went off to you during ur aini streams abt how both kizuna and lien are like... theyre similar. theyre both seeking a meaningful Connection with someone. they want that in their lives. and lien is Perfect for this bc it helps kizuna break out of her lonely rich kid shell. she needs this sort of influence in her life to help her see "hey, maybe this isnt so bad after all." and while it isnt outright Said, them both realizing theyre exactly what each other needs makes them unbelievably happy once they patch up. i love it. its about finding the person who makes u happy and "completes" u and being able to love them unconditionally no matter what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

favorite interaction they have in canon

SHOUTOUTS TO THIS SPECIFICALLY.

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in

HONESTLY. I CANT THINK OF ANY IN DETAIL OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD? like ok maybe i wish we got more in the kizzylien ending bc them running off and eloping is actually rlly funny to me and i wish we got to see them being up to smth cute idk!!!

[alltherelicsofalifelonglived]

i played amnesia: rebirth and i really liked it and have some Thoughts(tm):

non-spoilery:

- once again mad respect to frictional games for being the only people who arent afraid of nudity. no censorship underwear.

-theres a non-spook mode for if you hate being chased by stuff

- diversity win! this guy who's the most pathetic little meow meow is gay!

- i didn't have to look up any walkthroughs!

-i tried it with both spooks on and spook off and having spooks on is better. embrace the spook.

-game has some pretty visuals and a neat story, and while i wish choices throughout the game mattered, there are different endings. p good game.

SPOILERY BEYOND HERE(do readmores even work anymore):

[[MORE]]

-as a trans(tm) the first person pregnancy was uhhhhhhhh. dont like that. but that feeling didnt last long, mostly because tasi was so happy about having a baby. its cute.

-that being said i didn't want to run around and jump and climb because TASI UR PREGNANT STOP DOING THAT

-it felt so much less lonely than the other two, it was nice to have a list of people that you were trying to find and meet up with

- i like how yasmine still tried to help even though she was becoming a harvester, she's such a sweetie

- dr. metzier was so mean to tasi, like dude. even if tihana hadn't been the one to bring down the plane, and the one to curse everyone, tasi still would have been in the right to keep her baby. everyone died because tihana killed them. none of it would have happened if she had just minded her own buisness, but the doc was just. so angery at tasi?? dude.

-at the room full of harvesters i straight up opened the door, saw that, closed the door and turned around

- shadow seems like a manifestation of all the pain inflicted on the other world, like its the opposite of the vitae. could b wrong but thats just my onion.

- best ending is the fuck u lady ending even though the shadow eats you and your baby

-hhh i wanna know more about the other world politics, especially about people fighting against the empress

Opinions on characters(that actually speak more than like. 3 words.):

Hank- hands down best dude. total bro, i just wish he didn't die by being hanged by the cable when you use the elevator. that was a bit. mm. tasteless? tone deaf? maybe dont hang one of the two black characters frictional games??

Alex- *insert second diversity win joke about rich buisnessman having the saddest most pathetic little meow meow as a boyfriend*

Richard- quality representation for us useless gays. terrified little meow meow. on a more serious note, i clocked him and alex from the first photo, and im glad tasi confirms that they're in a relationship, and that when you find richard, he's calling out for alex. i really hoped that you'd be able to stop tasi by struggling, but not so. i think it would have made for a neat thing if you had a choice with both him and the doc.

Dr. Metzier - speaking of the doc, i did not see him stealing the baby coming. he's such a jerk for blaming tasi, "oh you'd put the lives of all of us behind that of your child" like no my dude. if someone locked you in a room and said they were going to start shooting people if you didn't give them your baby, you wouldn't be the one responsible for the people being shot.

Leon- might be the only person from the Cassandra to survive? ik he looses his hand but he's still alive after. thats gotta suck, bc he's stuck in the catacombs/hunting grounds with all the other harvesters, so he's probably going to loose himself. i feel bad for him even though he's Pretty Dang Racist, bc he didn't do or say anything outright until after being harvesterized, so i think that had things gone normally and everyone got to the gold mine ok, he might have been able to Stop Being So Racist.

Tasi- legit didn't touch the laudnum after i realized she was pregnant, only to discover there was no effect on her. she's a nice lady, sucks that the empress decided she wanted tasi's baby. "hold x to check in on your baby" is something im going to say now.

Salim- aww cute husband shame he's fuckin dead. i wasn't expecting to find him alive but i still got real sad when i did find him. i like the details that tell you your marriage licence got denied and the photo saying 'how about we do anyways'

Yasmin- even as a harvester she's friend shaped. even puts her leg in a bear trap bc she doesn't want to hurt tasi. 10/10 yasmin is best friend in this game

Empress Tihana - i don't believe for a second she really meant any of what she said about saving tasi from the desert because a, she's the one who brought down the plane, b, she's sustained by endless torturing and claims she's not a monster, so forgive me if i dont think she's being honest. c, the major hazards of this particular area of the desert are her harvesters, actually. the entire crew of the cassandra, the french fort, the village, all those people are dead because she wanted someone else's baby. love her design tho very cool.

[avasnotalee]

hiiiiii i made another terrible miraculous t-word fic lol

Word Count: 1383

Ship: MariChat

Switch!Mari Switch!Chat Noir

It was yet another night of waiting on a desertedrooftop for Chat Noir, as he waited for Ladybug. Although he knew she was busy being the new guardian of the miraculous, he couldnt help but wish his partner were there with him. Chat missed the nights they shared, when they leaped from building to building; making sure everything was in order. He missed the jokes and remarks they exhnaged.. he missed it all. Then he thought of the most hurtful time he had been stood up by Ladybug, and how he went to Marinette’s place. He had begun to go there more frequently on the days he was left to patrol himself, as marinette was good company, although he could never stay there for very long.

As everything in Paris seemed in order, Chat Noir made his way to the rooftop of the Dupain-Cheng family’s bakery. With a knock on the little trap door, Marinette popped up to answer it. Before Chat had came, she was very busy learing about her new responsibilities as the guardian, but thankfully she had her new kwami friends to help her through the journey. Those new friends of course, had to hide in marinette’s miracle box, which the box itself was safely hidden in a pink dollhouse on her desk.

“Oh, um- hey Chat!” Marinette exclaimed nervously, she was not prepared for his presence, as she was deep into her studies.

“Hey Marinette, Ladybug didnt show for patrol again tonight, and I was wandering if I could hang with you a while to feel less lonely?”

“Yeah! Of course, come on in.”

Suddenly, it hit marinette like a brick that she still had all of her pictures of Adrien up in her room! (not that it mattered, becuase they were for research purposes only, right?)

“wAIT- hold on my room is uhhh- a little messy.. um.. yeah! wait here for a minute.”

suddenly, the trap door was closed in Chats face.

“Shes a terrible liar” Chat thought to himself

“What is she hiding?”

Marinette came back with a nervous smile plastered across her face

“Okay all clean like a bug in a rug! super sparkely- nice haha..”

“Are you okay mari?”

“Oh me? what? pshhh yeah im great”

“ooookay then”

Chat noir climed down the steps into Marinettes vibrant room

“Soooooo what are you really hiding from me?”

“Me? Hiding? Something? I have no secrets from you Chat Noir” Marinette nervously giggled

“Are you suuuuuure?” Chat teased, lightly poking her in the side

A high pitched squeal escaped mari’s lips, causing chat noir to give her a smug look of suspision

“Oh now theres defintley something youve never told me before”

“I have no idea what youre talking about”

“that youre actually pretty sensitive, huh purr-incess?” The blonde teen smirked

“I um.. no-“

without giving Marinette a chance to defend herself, Chat Noir tackled the poor girl to the ground

“cmon chat, were not 5 years old”

“well too bad there is nothing you can do about it” he grinned, pinning marinette at the wrists above her head. Chat proceeded to take his free hand, and start spidering her helpless midsection

Marinette began to buck and squirm “come ohohohon chat noir hahaha” she pleaded

“this is the most convenient way for me to get information out of you, isnt it marinette?”

“nohohohoho theres nothing to hide hahahaha”

“I know how to get you to tell me”

Chat began to dig and wiggle his thin fingers into her underarms

“PLEHEHEHEASE CHAT NOIR NAHAHAHA” Marinette threw her head back in laughter, with her legs kicking out in front

“Please what? Keep going? Sure I will!”

“ILL GET YOU SOHOHOME FOOD FROHOHOM THE BAKERY PLEAHEHEASE STOHOHOHOP!”

Chat Noir let up his fingers to think about the deal

“hmm I could go for a macaroon right about now. I’ll set you free, but the macaroon has to be grapefruit.”

Marinette lay on the ground panting “fine, I’ll get you your grapefruit macaroon.”

She got up to get the treat, and as she quietly went down the stairs, it struck Chat Noir that he may be able to find what she was hiding while she was gone.

Chat looked everywhere, but couldnt find anything interesting. Just as he was about to give up, he noticed a diary free on marinettes desk. As soon as he was able to walk over, he could hear marinette coming up the stairs. He quickly grabbed the book but didnt get the chance to open it.

Marinette walked into her room to see Chat Noir standing very awkwardly, with his hands behind his back.

“Um, Chat? What do you have?”

“Nothing. Why do you ask?”

“Obviously becuase youre hiding something behind you.”

“No I’m not, I’m just respectfullly holding my hands behind my back. Did you get the macaroon?”

“Of course I did” Marinette extended her hand to give him the macaroon. Although the grapefruit macaroon that she makes weekly was reserved for adrien, she considered making another one another time would be worth it to get out of Chat Noir’s Claws

As he went to grab his snack, Mari realized his other hand was still behind his back. He was definitley hiding something.

“Chaaaaaaat, what do you have?”

“I already told you, I dont have anything.”

Marinette ran behind Chat, and got a glimpse of her diary just before he was able to turn around. He shoved the whole macaroon in his mouth, then held the book high above her head, just out of reach.

“Hey! I need that!” Marinette whined, jumping to get her diary back.

“You didnt read anything in it did you!?”

“Not yet”

“I really need that back chat”

“onlly if you can reach it first”

of course Mari couldnt reach it. She defintiley wasnt short, but she was not near as tall as Chat Noir. She remebered once when she had tickle_ him as Ladybug, so it was definitley one of his weaknesses. If she couldnt reach, shed need to use another method to get back the holder of all her deepest secrets

Marinette scribbled Chat Noir’s underarms, causing him to pull his arms down to protect his sensitive spots

“H-Hey! You cant just- nahaha” He then dropped the book and Marinette put it back in her super safe box for it.

“Now its payback time!”

“What- why? nO-“

Marinette then tackled the flustered cat “Why not? Dont tell me youre ticklish Chat

Noir!” Of course she already knew the answer, but seeing him turn all red and shy about it was just too cute to miss out on.

“God I hate that word. I hate even saying it out loud.”

“aweee but its such a presious word! tickle tickle tickle kittyyyy”

Marinette began to teasingly poke Chat Noir’s sides, and watched as he started to panic

“no mari wait- nohohoho you cahahant just nahaha” he tried to push her hands off his torso, but he was already weak with laughter

“poor ticklish chat, having your weakness used against you and Ladybug isnt even here to help.” She cooed, spidering his tummy

“noHohO I- plehehease I cahahahant! hahaha” Now he was the one pinned with his legs kicking beneath marinette being straddled on top of him

“dont let any akumatized villans find out about your little secret, itd be over for you within 30 seconds! Escpecially around your your hips~”

“hohohow did you- AHAHAHAHA MARI IM GONNA DIIIIHIHIE AHAHAHAHA!”

Chat thrusted and bucked in attempt to get the strong girl off of him, but it was practically useless as he was rendered imobile given his situation.

“MARI HAHAHHAHA I CAHAHAHANT!”

“Ill tell you what kitty, if you say the word tickle, I’ll let you go.”

“BUHUHUT I CAHAHAHANT NAHAHAHA!”

“its such an easy word to say, if you refuse to say it, im just gonna assume that you must like being tickled”

“NOHOHOHOHO I DOHOHOHONT”

“then say it.” Mari grinned down at him

“TIHIHIHIHI NAHAHAHAHA” Chat Noir’s laughter went silent

“okay fine you were close enough” she sat on the floor next to him and played with his hair as he still giggled out the phantom tickles

“youre sure protective of that book arehehent you?”

“eh, it was mostly just an excuse for me to get you back.”

“thats so mean.”

ty for reading! If you have any story requests pls send lols