#i dont have a significant other. i still think about killing myself every other day

[the-56th-court-jester]

HI

this is my first post. today is my birsthday !!!! :]

[sincerely-sofie]

The finishing of this fanfic has left me with some pretty mixed emotions. On the one hand, I dont want it to end. It's such an incredible piece of work and even though I finally committed to reading it a few weeks ago, it already feels like such a significant part of my life. On the other hand, I'm a little glad that it's over. FAR from the sense it was bad (I'll steal your liver if thats how you interpret it) but moreso in the sense that it was like a good crying session. It's something that a lot of us (or I assume a lot of us) typically want to avoid even though we know its good for us, and satisfying after the fact. It's like catharsis in a way. Endings aren't always a great feeling in the moment, but it's something that we can look back on with a fondness.

I'm so glad I found this work. I'm being completely serious when I say that this fanfic, and the other content you make, has changed my life for the better. Its helped me reconnect with that love I have for creativity after nearly a decade of not making anything even though I wanted to. It's helped pulled me out of a few ruts of depression. It's helped me realize that I'm not actually emotionally stunted (per my own conclusions) and be more willing to cry instead of burying those feelings. In the past I would just, kill these kinda thoughts before they got far because of how much I wanted to avoid crying. Much less actually writing them down, or express them to someone else. But now, I've been crying the whole time I write this, and for the first time in, I think ever, I'm okay with that. I know we don't actually know each other, but you've genuinely helped me become a better person with the things you make. Thank you so much for everything you've done Sofie. hey look! I got your name right!

But enough about me. I feel like it's getting indulgent at this point. (I've gotten dehydrated with how much ive cried writing this and from what I can tell, you cry a lot more than I do. So go drink some water first, and then) I wanna hear your thoughts. What are your thoughts and feelings about your work being finished? Do you have plans to take a break from creative endevors for a while, or are you gonna keep going? Are you going to be expanding more on this and other au's, different fanworks or move into something completely your own? Whatever the case may be, I'm excited to see what more you are going to come up with!

From the bottom of my heart, and on behalf of everyone else, Thank you for everything.

It's so surreal to have posted that final chapter. I finished the first draft almost 100 days ago exactly, and I spent a number of days after completing it kind of adrift. I'd go to my computer every morning like I had during the month prior and sit down, ready to write, only to remember that I was actually supposed to be taking a break before I made the final edits.  It didn't click in my head that I had actually done it… until a couple weeks later when it hit me like a truck that I had an entire completed manuscript sitting in my Google Docs. I think I was making myself lunch at that moment, and I had to bolt to lie down on the floor and put my legs up against the wall because I was ready to pass out at the realization. 

This feels pretty similar. For me, The Present is a Gift— the main fanfic, at least— was finished in mid-January. But the process of uploading it and agonizing over what people thought of every passing update wouldn't be formally done until about 3 months later. It still hasn't clicked in my head that I won't be posting a new update once Tuesday rolls around. 

On the subject of taking a break— I've actually been taking a break, at least partway! I've barely written anything after I finished TPiaG's first draft, and I haven't drawn much “serious” art, for lack of a better word, since I started my blog. I've still been making things, yes, but scattered oneshots and sketchy pieces without solid lineart are not my typical fare. I'm usually a lot more “exact” with what I make— words fail me here— I hope I'm not being too vague! I might take a brief break as I finish up the winter semester, but that would be less a break from creating and more of an “OH MY WORD I NEED TO FOCUS ON NOTHING BUT PASSING THESE COURSES” kinda thing. 

TPiaG (along with its derivative AUs) is still very much a living project to me— there's a lot more stories the characters have in them, even if I struggle to envision a full-on sequel. I'm absolutely going to answer the asks relating to it that I've received over the months along with any I continue to receive, and if I get any ideas for comics or oneshots here and there, I'll make them. As for what's officially next up on the Sincerely Sofie menu, I'm planning to make a visual novel that's a lot more meaty than the last one I made. I'm not sure if it will be original or based on TPiaG— but a visual novel is the medium I'm planning on! 

I'm so overwhelmed by your kindness. I truly don't have any words. This project started off as something private to help distract me from a depressive episode and to process trauma, and it's become so much more. I'm so glad it was able to help you. Catharsis was the keyword for TPiaG— I wanted it to uproot difficult emotions and help people start to heal from them, but I never dreamed it would really help anyone but myself. So to hear it was able to provide you with that is unbelievably meaningful to me. 

I gave myself the goal somewhat recently to let myself cry whenever the urge strikes me. I used to go months without crying, and whenever I did shed tears, it was alone in my room while muffling the few sounds I accidentally let slip. I'm a natural crybaby, but I had schooled myself into thinking for a number of reasons that it was bad to cry— that it was selfish, or attention-seeking, or weak— so I've been trying to reclaim my teary-eyed identity. It's been difficult, but it's so freeing to let myself feel things fully. All of this is to say: let the tears fall. I've helped more people by crying than my stoicism ever did. 

Thanks again. I can't properly word my gratitude, but know that it's overwhelming :,>

[grub-talk]

Coughs

All offense but yall are typing shit out of your ass. Don't play the "Oh i looked up to you" or " I kept you at arms length" I'm sorry but you're throwing and pinning this all on me because your friend was lying and you don't want to actually hold them accountable. This dude have neglected, avoided me and made me think I was the issue when I tried to communicate any flaws we had during our relationship. [ Which, note, they also admitted this TO MY FUCKING FRIEND.] Whatever they fucking skewed or try to blame me on, they neither have communicated it with me or brought it up AT ALL, and even if they did; they used it against me TO HURT ME. I've always been upfront about my problems to you and my friends and if there is actually ANY point you're trying to come across, its not hitting the end goal here. You've seen how emotionally distressed I was, and if there is any thought of actually being genuine and honest with how my actions coudlve been viewed. None of yall did anything about it but said "learn self respect, learn self love" and even RELATED to me on what I was going through. You're fucked for being two faced cunts. I came to YOU for help, I MADE EFFORTS. But im not gonna sit there and let them treat me that fucking way. Its fucked how all of you guys are attacking me and using your good deeds, WHICH BTW, doesnt make your points anymore foul than what it actually is. It does not make you a good person. Thank you for having HUMAN DECENCY to try and help me when I was at my lowest and was considering to fucking end my life, I understand me being thrown into a bad mania episode had left me doing some deplorable behavior. WHICH I DO ADMIT, COULDVE BEEN HANDLE BETTER but your friend still was a piece of shit to me and said really hurtful things and done shit before we've broken up. Which you know, I wish I didn't fucking excuse and forced myself to let them keep doing it to me. DRAWING yourself killing me, calling me a black hole and claiming ive "taken" everything from them, when I have spent so much of my energy and fucking time to love and adore them. I wanted them to make sure they know that they are loved because I was so blind to believe they where an actual nice person. Hell, I went to a whole ass different COUNTRY just to meet them, only for them to be on their phone 24/7 saying they felt "rushed" when I told them about this planned trip SINCE SEPTEMBER. WHICH THEY COULDVE AT ANY POINT SAID "No thank you" oh yeah are we gonna forget they barely communicated about those plans too? Which they slapped that shit onto their friends and made them deal with it? Yes, thank you for inviting me, Kashi. I am so fucking embarrassed that everything came down to this point. I do bare so many regrets on every going because not you, or your room mates had to deal with the embarrassing tension that my ex and I gone through. It still eats me up everytime I think about it, cause its fucking disgusting and I never wanted to go home so fucking bad. Only to find out literally TWO DAYS AGO they've actually stolen OC'S that I praised them on making. Which, my other friends can fucking CONFIRM they claimed it was their art. Get the fuck out. Also, me not wanting them to have a new partner??? FELLA, what are you BULLSHITTING ABOUT. you're grasping at LITERAL STRAWS here. No one gives a FUCK about who they are dating. Least not with me? I don't care about their partner, whatever was exchanged between Evan and my Ex[ Their ex also.] had ZERO of my influence there if rather or not they will actually go to them about it. They told me they where gonna confront them, so they did. Im proud of them for even talking about this PUBLICLY. So DONT YOU DARE PIN THAT SHIT AGAINST ME. IDGAF ABOUT THEIR CURRENT SIGNIFICANT OTHER. WHATEVER THEY DO IS NOT MY BUSINESS. I'm thankful enough I have people who love me. You are deflecting and making yourselves even more stupid than I have thought. Im sorry but no one gives a FUCK about their current partner, youre going off the main point shows how actually blinded you are.

Also PLEASE shut the fuck up about stalking, literally all you guys ever done was do the SAME EXACT SHIT. Why where you on my toyhouse profile, why where you visting my tumblr, WHY where you on MY twitter account? I'm sorry no one gives a fuck about whos stalking who, you said it for yourself you fucking idiot. Its made public so therefore PEOPLE WILL SEE IT. MY FRIENDS CAN SEE IT, I CAN SEE IT. I am fully aware that what I post is public too and will eventually be seen, THATS FINE. OH YEAH, BY THE WAY, I HAVENT EVEN FUCKING VISITED YOUR PROFILE EVER SINCE OUR LAST DISCUSSION! I was hellbent on not checking anyones accounts. I was hellbent on moving on with the idea of ignorance is bliss. IVE ONLY WENT ON BECAUSE I FOUND OUT WHO THE REAL ARTIST WAS!!! I spent fucking time deleting and separating the character to find the signature, looked them up and BOOM. IT WAS YOUR EX?? the main issue here is that your friends A FUCKING LIAR. " My partner left me because of Hazbin" No you fucking idiot I left you because you're where making me run through hoops to try and FIX things that WHERE OUT OF MY CONTROL. Don't you dare ignore that I havent made actual efforts while you sat there doing fuck all nothing. And btw, i'm not the only person youve done this too and said "oh idk what to do" WE KEEP FUCKING TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO. Holy shit YOU'RE ALL SO FUCKING STUPID!! I SWEAR!!! ACTUALLY THINK FOR YOURSELVES, I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU ALL CIRCLE JERK EACH OTHER OFF. Literally SO OVER THIS.

[theflowergardensys]

VENT

Here we are again.I met two people over the past few months,,, i had almost nobody left and we have been trying to build up a new support system. I became quite close with one of them, before it came clear that they were a person who would often threaten to leave. Because of my own experiences I know it isn't good for us to be with people like that. so we said our goodbyes,,, until they and myselves convinced myself i was overreacting and we became friends again. I became close with a different friend. The friend we cut off and then came back to was cut off again, because SURPRISE SURPRISE, they kept hurting us. And the friend we newly became close with, became close with the friend we cut off as well. and the distrust and jealousy from them being friends with that person made it unbearable. We were having constant panic attacks every day. so now we have to stop being friends with them, too.I have nobody left i can be close to in that way. A certain friend we have is still here, still positive and supportive as ever. I don't know what we would do without them. but i still feel unbearably lonely.we've made it through this before, right? We always have. I tried to do everything right. In fact, I think I did my best. But it still all returns to nothing.all returns to nothing.tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down,,,I wonder how much more loss i can bear? I'm supposed to carry on, knowing I can reach new sunny days. But it is so hard.It is so hard.I got a snack a little bit ago. Saw it again. The hallucination of my ex. always so painful to see. It was telling me to kill myself. I almost believed it.The jealousy has only gotten worse over the past year. I dont know how i can cope with this. I can't seem to like anyone a significant amount without being insanely jealous about their friends.How do other people know so many people that they love? I can't ever seem to hold much together. I'm damaged goods. People just don't want to be close to someone as unstable as me. How could I blame them?People loved me before. But I was younger and stupider back then. and they're all gone anyway,,, except for one, and we aren't close like we used to be.I'm really just supposed to keep trying my best?All these people say they love me. All these strangers. Compliment me so much. But whenever they get close to me it just

falls apartI plan on talking to my ex again one day. We want to try to be friends.I really doubt they're still going to want to.

"It all returns to nothing, I just keep letting me down, letting me down, letting me downIn my heart of heartsI know that I could never love againI've lost everythingeverythingeverything that matters to me, matters in this world"

[ohheyitsokay]

slowly

Pairing: Jack Daniels (Agent Whiskey) x  (f) ace!reader

Wordcount: 2.2k

Warnings: discussions of sex and related topics, maybe some angst? a lot more analogies than actual descriptions 

Summary: a drive in theatre, a budding relationship, and a whole lot of mutual support

Notes: okay obviously this is a wildly personal topic - I fully understand that asexuality looks different for everyone. For full disclosure, in this story, the reader knows they are somewhere on the asexuality spectrum, but is not aromantic. They are also are on a path of self discovery and are open to learning about themselves. This IS NOT saying asexuals who are like this are growing "better" than those who are not interested. Asexuals who do know what they do and dont want are perfect and do not need to change or compromise as part of their personal growth.

There will be an optional part 2 where they have more conversations about intimacy and explore together what works for them, but again, this is not everyone's story, or the "right" way, it's just... one story.

That being said, I genuinely hope yall enjoy!

>>

You stared at the bashful man in front of you openly, your hands stilling on the groceries you were halfway done unloading.

Even the slightest rustle of the cloth bags was painfully loud in the silence that stretched between you.

Jack had burst through your door, confident as always, but it was a thin layer over his anxious heart. With two long strides, he was pulling you into his arms, almost crushing you against his chest.

Arms winding around his middle, you held him just as tightly before you found your voice again.

“You’re back,” you said, simply amazed that he was a whole week early from the long mission. “When did you get back?”

You hadn’t realized he had picked you up until your feet were on solid ground again, and he was pulling away.

“Just a few hours ago, I had to make it back in time for opening night, right?” he grinned winningly.

You tried not to overthink, feeling a jolt of excitement that he remembered – tonight. The drive-in theatre in town was opening for the season and you had been more than excited. As one of your most consistent movie night friends, Jack had promised to take you, full of butterflies and subtext.

For as close as you’d gotten over the past few months, you weren’t sure what to make of his expression.

“If that’s okay? I should’ve double checked,” you hadn’t responded and it was apparently making him nervous.

“Yeah, Jack, that sounds great,” you reassured him, turning back to your groceries, equally nervous.

If you were being honest, you hadn’t expected him to remember because it had almost felt like an off-hand comment at the time, and you hadn’t wanted to get your hope up to much.

Something was welling in your stomach as you turned away from him fully, putting each item in its respective home in your kitchen. You liked him, of course you liked him. He was bold and kind and passionate, and more handsome than seemed reasonable for a single person. And… and when he was nearby, there was a feeling of safety, just out of reach, like water lapping at your feet at the beach.

It was more than tempting but, same as the ocean, there was also an uneasiness in the unknown. The same uneasiness was present in every relationship you’d ever had – because you had a secret.

Well, it was less of a secret and more… something you were figuring out that you hadn’t talked about much. Despite long late night talks and months of growing close and even slowly falling for each other, you hadn’t quite found the courage to talk to Jack about it yet. The more real the soft, sweet moments between you got, the more the unease filled your bones. You knew how he was with other women, and each time his hand lingered on your hip, your shoulder, your cheek, a quiet voice whispered that he deserved better.

Jack was staring at you, lost in your thoughts as you mechanically worked your way through the bags. His heart ached for you, and he wished more than anything that you trusted him with whatever you were holding back. But he was a determined man – he would do whatever he could to show you that no matter what, he wasn’t going anywhere.

 -

After awhile, Jack coaxed you back to your normal self, telling you as much of his mission as he could and helping you cook dinner. Moving around your kitchen was wonderfully peaceful, a little bubble of intimacy. Food was great for neutralizing anxious thoughts.

The feeling continued into his truck as you excitedly packed blankets and he fought the urge to kiss your adorable face when you found the snacks he’d picked up. Even before he left, in anticipation for tonight, he cleaned the front seat thoroughly, and made sure his radio was in good condition.

The movie went well too, but as much as he wanted to pull you into his arms, press you into his side, be the warmth against the cool night air, there was a hesitation that held him at bay.

Every time he’d reach for you, cautious and gentle, your skin would twitch, almost jumping away before you’d smile at him and lean into it. You seemed happy, but part of your mind was holding you back. As friends, you two were relatively physically affectionate, so he made a mental note to tread light and watch for more cues. Jack never wanted to impose himself on anyone but with you, even less.

So he waited. He had no doubt you’d talk to him when you were ready, and heavens knows that he had plenty of things he had kept buried. It was still nice, hearing you laugh next to him - just him – and seeing the light reflecting off the movie dance across your skin. Talking with you was always easy, even more so without friends or family around and it made Jack ache with eagerness.

As he pulled up to your home, he gently took your hand.

“Darlin, it was plum delightful to take you out tonight,” he said, cursing himself internally for how nervous he sounded. You looked his, eyes catching the streetlight like magic and your gentle squeeze gave him courage.

“I really would like to take you out again, on a proper date,” he couldn’t look away from your eyes, trying to read them through the murkiness. “I really like you,” Jack added, quieter, “but you don’t have to respond right now.”

You nodded, your eyes closing tight as though you were at war with yourself.

You think you like me, but I’m not the type of girl you want to date.

“You don’t have to… tell me, if you’re not ready, but,” he offered after a long moment, his free hand flexing on the steering wheel as he forced himself to examine the bushes on the side of the parking lot. “But I’m listening.”

You felt both hot and cold at the same time. All evening you could feel it coming, knew it was going to happen, knew it had to. He deserved this conversation, and honestly, if there was anyone who made you feel like you did, too, it was Jack.

Inhale, exhale. 

Inhale -

“Okay,” - exhale. 

Remembering that neither of you had work the next day helped. Slowly you let go of your hand and unbuckled your seatbelt, shifting to get comfortable again, the actions thick with significance. He returned it, unbuckling too, and killing the engine.

Jack was so respectful you could cry, his obvious anxiety under control enough not to jump to conclusions – to wait for you.

“I like you, too, Jack, but I don’t think we can ever date,” you forced the words out and his heart nearly shattered, confusion barely holding it together.

Eyebrows so drawn in they almost looked like a solid line, he waited, unable to stop a small shake of his head.

Why not? His entire being screamed. With each second that passed, more and more determination seeped into the cracks of his heart, sticking it together. If you liked him as he liked you, it seemed impossible there was anything between you that couldn’t be overcome.

You saw the question in his eyes and the explanation tumbled out.

“It’s just, I know you – I know the girls you go after and the type of relationships most men want. And,” you were sucking in air, the vulnerability raking through your lungs. “And I don’t know if I can ever give you that.”

He started to protest before his hand covered his mouth, irritated movements over his mustache, his jaw working. What he wanted was you. But he needed to let you keep talking. If he interrupted you now, he might never understand what you meant.

You watched his movements, desperation to give him the explanation he deserved growing in you.

“I’ve had people break up with me because I wont sleep with them,” you shoved the words into the space, the most honest you’d maybe ever been.

Whatever he had been expecting, it wasn’t that. Your voice was trembling and so quiet only your moving lips confirmed the words as you continued.

“For me, it’s not something I need, or am particularly comfortable with. You,” you swallowed hard, unable to look at the man beside you. “You deserve someone you can be with, however you want.”

You took another deep breath, feeling light and surprisingly at peace with your honesty. Even the impending rejection felt less scary, now that you had said it all out loud. The trembles settled as you concluded, “I’m still figuring myself out and I just cant guarantee I’ll ever give you what you deserve.”

Of all the conversations with all the others before this, this moment felt the most freeing. It was wild to have such an intimate conversation before you even kissed, but… the foundation of trust that Jack had given you had not been lost on you. You found yourself smiling, looking at him, finally.

His expression had loosened, processing and connecting the dots, his deep eyes unfocused before they slid closed.

Now it was your turn to wait, to be patient, and listen.

Part of him wanted to yell that he wasn’t like the others, that he didn’t care and even that he would wait and work until you were ready. But that wasn’t right, and he knew it.

Inside him, deep, deep down, there was a small light. A candle of flame underneath a glacier: a touch of hope slowly warming its way through layers and layers and centuries of expectations, fear, confusion, and chaos. It was going strong, it just need more time.

“Darlin,” he looked at you, finally, meeting your eyes and feeling for the first time that they were a clear window into your soul. “You are… everything, to me. So… so let’s just take some time to process this. Would that be okay, sweetheart?”

That was the first time anyone had ever responded that way. It was the scariest thing, but it was perfect. You were overwhelmed with the rawness and a glance at the radio told you it was 2 am. Not a time to be making life altering decisions, anyway. Nodding, you pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek. The movement was intimate and confident – something that shouldn’t have been possible, but it was.

Jack’s large hand grasped at your neck and jaw, pulling you into him, pressing his forehead on yours. The hairs of his mustache just ticked your lip, but he made no move, respecting one final boundary for the night.

With a squeeze, he let you go, watching with longing eyes as you hopped out of his truck and ran to your front door. The smile you gave him before you slipped inside was the seal, engraving tonight into his memories forever.

And he drove home, his thoughts louder than the wind and the crickets and his pounding heart.

-

Jack invited you over a few days later, a Sunday afternoon. It would be the first time you’d talked, and you were surprisingly calm. For some reason, you felt like you’d be closer to him no matter what happened.

He heard your car on the long gravel driveway and greeted you with an all-encompassing hug. You held each other, like lifelines, for long moments before he pulled you inside.

“My mama sent cookies,” he said, motioning for you to sit at the tall table he had as he set down the plate. You couldn’t help but smile, knowing their Sunday lunches and her beloved baking well. He remained standing across from you, aware of the awkwardness, but eager to get his words right.

“This is all new to me,” he said, wishing suddenly that he’d made tea so his throat wouldn’t feel so dry. “If you really don’t wanna be with me, that’s your choice,” he said, knowing it was right and hating the option, “but I really – you’re just so – I can’t let you go,” his thoughts were jumbling together on his tongue.

It was grounding, when your hands found his, reaching across the table as you sat forward on your stool.

“What if we just took it slow?” you said, and his heart stopped.

“Please,” he managed, and your own chest felt like it would burst. “Would it be alright, darlin?” Jack’s hands held yours, his expression eager.

“Could – could we figure out what works for us? Figure this all out together?” You were close to crying, you wanted that so bad.

“I can’t promise I’ll change or… or what direction I’ll grow,” you said, needing to say it again, needing to be sure.

“I can’t, either, darlin,” he said, and you realized he was right and you would support each other, no matter what.

“But all I need is you. Whatever and however much you’ll give me. That’s more than enough.”

He didn’t say for now.

And you believed him.

Since he was still standing, it made it easy for you to tug him around the table, and you leaned into his chest. It felt safe, safer than you had ever thought was possible for you.

“Okay,” you told the flannel he was wearing, “Let’s figure it out together.” And even though you couldn’t see him, you knew he was smiling, too.

<<

Taglist:

@fangirl-316 @0celestialbitch0 @scribbledghost

[repulsivechameleon]

Im doomed and This is my final destination..

Some people are born to set examples while others grow to be made an example of and im becoming one and i dont wanna see how thats going to end for me, other than suicide. Either ways.

My life is so colorless and i can barely get out of my bed to pee

I dont drink water anymore

Or eat much

I haven’t had food in 4 days and im not even phased

Im so unbelievably ill

Its like my depression is so bad it literally paralyzed me, mentally numbed me that i dont even care about my eating disorder, or my manic episodes anymore, everything is meaningless now even my anxieties and nightmares.

I never catch up until the damage is done good.

Nothing ever matters to me.

Mostly because nothing is ever under my control

Ive always felt like an outsider everywhere i went, maybe its cos im fat maybe its cos im black maybe its because im dumb and ugly or just chemically unbalanced.

I have fought to be normal and to belong every single day of my life just to end up failing at every simple little task i dealt with, just like how i failed every single thing in my life, somehow ill always mange to end up being the weirdo and the target.

I don’t understand how people can stand to be in a room with me.

Im the worst friend, the worst person I’ve known all i do is self destruct

Ruin relationships

Make everyone feel so fucking awkward and uncomfortable

Lie lie lie lie

Im so fucking ugly inside and out I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise but ifs impossible to ignore the truth.

Badly wired like shit

Im so sorry for all of this and what i am

I hate myself so much

I cant even look in the mirror without breaking down i don’t recognize myself anymore

Not even photos

I shaved my head and its so grown and i missed all of it

I’ve missed on major life events, mine and my friends unfortunately i cant take that back

It eats me up alive because there is no excuse for disappearing from thr people i love without notice, there is no way i can bring the days back. The hopes and dreams that we had, the lives we thought we were going to lead once we grew older together, your life is going to be much more better than the dreams weve dreamt once upon a time my friend and knowing that makes me the happiest person alive. Im so sorry to any friend i hurt and i might hurt. Im sorry.

I feel like someone ought to understand why im doing what im doing

nobody deserves to be burden with my stupid meaningless issues.

I have no memories or attention spam anyways

I dont remember anything

Ive been erasing who i am

I just thought this was rock bottom yet i somehow still manage to dive deeper to the lowest point

And the drugs dont work anymore and when the music starts to sound more like background noise without any significance to the words, i know my time is near.

Mental illness, lack of religion, brainwashed im probably going to be called all that but for once in my life i want to not care, call me that so fucking what ill be dead anyways we’re all going to die. Isnt life meant to be a test? This is it.

For once in my life i want to have a say in anything, i want to make a decision on my own and i want that to be my first and last decision i make, just once please.

I do miss believing. When i had religion i had peace and sometimes i wish I listened to my parents and never questioned anything, it would’ve been so much better, different, drastically different than this, different waves of depression but with more stability, anything but this. I wanna believe in something again but it’s kinda too late for me because i can barely look at my reflection and believe what i see.

Im so sorry mama n baba, i would kill myself to give you a better life and a different prodigy wannabe daughter but i just keep taking from you im just a waste of money and resources and i cant bare the guilt anymore, I thought I could fix it but im in too deep. The truth is so disappointing and embarrassing i think i would rather do anything than to face you after you learning about who i am, i dont know what to say than im really so sorry from the bottom of my heart the entirety of my being im sorry snd I love you and i love you and im so fucking sorry that i am the way that i am. Thank you for always being attentive thank you for giving me unconditional love and for making me feel the safest ive known, i know its not easy being my parent, you’ve done amazing and youre doing amazing still. You were just kids who didn’t know anything yourself, i wish that you can somehow forgive me. I fear a lot of things in this world but knowing that my parents could disown me and hate me if they learn my truth, it cripples me. I love you so much mama i love you so much baba. I wish i could give you one last hug one last time but youre a thousand miles away.

To my sisters,

My 2 beautiful sisters, you know.

Im the luckiest person to have had my sisters with me in this life. What a ride, The definition of the word sisterhood. I would take a bullet for my sisters in a heartbeat. Im so sorry

About everything, i hope you can forgive me, i know it grows conflict in your religion, but know that i am going to be at peace now and you dont have to worry about your baby sister anymore. Im not your liability anymore. I hope you grow old to become everything you both ever wanted. I love you so unbelievably much. I love you so much and im sorry. Im going to miss you like crazy. Im going to hug you both again someday somehow.

I dont know when but soon ill be gone, i have a lot to say but i dont feel like leaving anything behind because i dont want to be remembered or cried upon, im selfish for thinking that no one would think to shed a tear for me I know its not true but I don’t want to think about it, once again im a lesson to be learned. Its going ti be better for everyone in the long run. I’ll be more beneficial when im gone<3

I remember i was 12 thinking about suicide, then 15 attempting suicide, promised myself that i would take my life by 18, now 22 surprise surprise im still here.

I’ve always been fascinated by death, I’ve always planned my death it became so normal i would daydream about dying before going to bed and I remember when i was younger during my religious phase, I thought that i could kill myself ages 12-15 so all my adulthood responsibilities and the sins that accompanies that gone avoided too.

I remember thinking it wont count id be tried as a child that god will understand why i killed myself and will somehow sympathize and send me to heaven as if “god” is the highest judge in some sort of fancy supreme court or something that id have to defend my soul for that. I was a fucking child but it was smart. I wish ive done it tho; shouldve listened to the voices huh.

Whatever, im just lonely and bored out of my mind, I feel so old worthless and unaccomplished like I became everything i didnt wanna be, and there’s no going back.

Waadeena, you know that i would give you the world x

[twink-frank]

hi i’ve noticed the pencey prep gay conversation going on over on @awsugar and i have spent lots of time dissecting pencey prep lyrics and subjecting nathan @faggot-frank to my deranged ramblings so Here is my pencey prep super ultra mega gay lyrical analysis masterpost. it’s very long so its all under the cut but i will include a TL;DR for those who dont wanna read paragraphs of my deranged ramblings: Pencey prep uses lots of themes of: heartbreak, forbidden love, keeping love a secret, and toxic relationships. which none of that is gay on its own but combined with them almost never using gender indicators in their songs and the “nail in the coffin song” of 8th grade it ends up being a very Fruity Album.

I will be going through heart break in stereo in order and pointing out which lyrics and elements of certain songs jump out to me as Super Mega Gay and then summarizing my conclusions at the end <3

1 ) PS Don't Write

PS don't write is about leaving a toxic relationship, it has notes of moving on and leaving someone behind. "packed up all my shit / stole back all my tapes / left your spare key under the mat / this is not a joke / you'd better learn to take a hint / 'cause i'm not coming back / maybe you'll understand / when you're waking up alone / in a cold and empty bed." it has no gender indicators or pronouns which is the case in a lot of pencey prep songs, and something i'll bring up quite a bit. it also has general "coming of age" themes, something common in lots of pencey prep songs. which Yeah apply to straight people to but read in this context combined with future evidence can be pretty Fuckin Gay. "somewhere along the line / i found a hidden strength / i didn't know i had / standing on my own / cutting all the strings / that you used to control / surprise surprise / i am long gone / if you thought you could hold me down / by holding me up / you were wrong / you don't call the shots anymore." not to say only gay people can find inner strength and the room to love themselves but combined with other context it is a really poignant message about accepting yourself for who you are.

2) Yesterday

Yesterday is very repetitive and has a lot less to analyze, but the constant themes of wanting to "run away" strike me as very Fruity. once again, not saying gay people are the only people who can want to run away or escape from something But Combined With Other Context. and once again a song with no gender indicators, doesnt specify who the speaker is running away with or what they are running away from. just that they want to Leave. "i wanna run with you / i don't care what we do / gotta get out of this place / because it feels like yesterday." also saying "it feels like yesterday" could mean that the town feels backwards or old timey in its beliefs, implying homophobia. how the speaker wants to run away from an old fashioned town.

3) Don Quixote

i'm going to bring up the cultural significance of this title and literary reference first. Don Quixote is a classical novel by Cervantes which is about a crazy dude who thinks he's a knight, and goes on weird adventures with his best friend. It's typically used as a symbol of following your dreams and breaking free from what people expect of you. In the context of the song its used as a symbol of following your dreams with Someone. once again this someone is given no gender indicators. "you say it's not worth it / been burned too many times / if your spine's receding / you can borrow some of mine / don't go and quit right now / cause i'd follow you through hell." "you say so many things / and not a word of it was true / if you're still in that state of mind / i'd still vacation inside of you / cause i think you're worth every minute / and every dime that i spend / i'd spend all my time fighting dragons / just to keep you alive and talking." it's about wanting to spend time with someone, wanting to be with them no matter what. and its also about how this person feels unreachable, like being with them would be a fairytail but the speaker Still Reaches for it. "your imaginations running wild / round your deceptive heart / this is my crusade / and you're the unreachable star / but i'm reaching." talking about this person being unreachable and unattainble. which isnt gay By Itself  but again combined with the other context. FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

4) 10 Rings

another breakup song once again with no gender indicators, are you guys sensing a theme here? anyways this song is about someone cutting you off and then coming back suddenly wanting to talk again after breaking your heart. it has a sense of forbidden love, like this person Told the speaker they cant be together for Whatever Reason ;] and is now trying to come back and repair their mistake when the speaker is already hurt and reeling. "learn to live with decisions you make / i learned things from the break i can't forget / catch you doing drive-bys at 1 AM / it must kill you to know we can't be friends." "end of the summer you cut me off / i cut you out all the pictures i have." which this Isnt Gay By Itself. but bringing that phrase back with other context this is such a uniquely gay experience. being in love with someone and they cut you off Because theyre weirded out by that and then they try to come back, convince you it meant nothing.

5) The Secret Goldfish

my FAVORITE pencey song. this one has a lot. it's another breakup song about heartbreak and loss and im not even gonna dwell on the no gender indicators because yall see the theme now. it has themes of heartbreak and losing someone who is very close to you and having to let go of them and having to accept that this person cant be yours and you cant be with them. "land of the lost / i found myself in nothing / this time, promises broken find me / clutching to you for something / something that you're not / believing in what you say / it makes me lie awake at night / the truth, the truth is not what scares me / it's why you have to lie / all the time." here we see these themes of having to let someone go because they just Aren't The Same as you. "clutching to you for something / something that you're not." maybe like chasing after a straight boy and getting rejected? also the repetition of "heartbreak is forever" when you're young and gay losing that first person you felt some kind of love and attraction to can feel like the end of the world and can be a huge deal because of the lack of representation and guidance young gays get. and the themes of nothing lasting forever, the fact that gay people never get promised eternal love the same way straight people do.

6) 8th Grade

this song is the nail in penceys fucking coffin honestly. the rest of these songs have a lot of plausible deniability, just vague enough to maybe Not Be Gay. but framed in the context of 8th grade they all start to get a lil fruity. Im just gonna go through lyric by lyric for this one. "caught staring again / like a deer in the headlights / when you can't move fast enough / i take a hit for the team / pretty girl is blushing / i can't tell if she's disgusted / laughter starts to swell / someone gets the joke." this kid was staring at some cute boy ass and got caught and everyone is laughing at him for being gay. the "pretty girl" here is what most people think he's staring at but with the rest of the song it's obvious she's not the one he's looking at. "bells ring, i make my escape / helps a little, but doesn't save / beat downs a common thing / with us every day / maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools / so maybe i like the abuse / or maybe i just like you." literally This is the nail in penceys fucking coffin. "maybe i like the abuse or maybe i just like you." this kid purposefully takes beatings from his bully who is Obviously male if you take into context the next verse. because he Likes Him. "maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools" literally willingly taking beatings from his bully bc he has a crush. "another confrontation / you've got something to prove / your girl can't tell how tough you are / when you beat me up in the boys room." this just confirms that the subject of the song is a boy, and a tough macho boy with something to prove. maybe also hiding his own internalized homophobia through bullying? "well i made a big mistake / but i can't help who i like / this may not cost my life / but i am branded forever lame." LITERALLY ITS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. "can't help who i like" "branded forever lame" do i even need to fucking explain this oh my god. he got outed as gay, he Can't Help Who He Likes and is now branded forever as "the gay kid." the rest of the song is general "im gonna get back at my bully" stuff but literally THIS. THIS is the song that brands all penceys other very vague songs as 100% verified super mega ultra gay.

7) 19

this song has a lot less, and is more about internal struggle than anything. but it is the only song with a "she" pronoun in it. but there is one thing i wanna mention. "I scream out loud / but no one hears a sound / i take my life with lack of sleep / i believe the things i feel / the things i see are fooling only me." this song is about not believing what the world shows you, believing what you think is true in your heart and what You feel. not what anyone else tells you. which is a gay experience. believing in yourself and your heart and your feelings, believing theyre right and theyre true and valid. Also this song has a significance in coming right after 8th grade on the album, going from being 13 to 19, from being unsure in your feelings and angry about the people who dont like you to lost and hopeless but somewhat grounded in yourself.

8) Trying To Escape The Inevitable

this song is about an abusive and toxic relationship, knowing you Need to escape it but being so infatuated with the person you literally cant. “i have this reoccurring dream / you make it hard for me to breathe / i gave you everything i could / i gave up everything i owned / and when you smile it’s not for me / you offer little sympathy / your grasp so far exceeds your reach / i wake up, this is not a dream.” “i have this reoccuring dream / where you admit that you’re not happy / i know that you will never leave / you’re here just to torment me.” which like again this isnt an exclusively gay experience but it is very interesting when framed that way. in that gay people are way more likely to throw themselves into abusive and toxic relationships because they dont feel like they can get anybody else. the repetition of “i know i should run” makes it seem like the speaker Knows he should get out but he just Cant because what if he never finds love again? and the little reprise in the middle “i have a new dream / and everything is perfect / the sky is pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange / and all the past has been forgotten / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and i fell into your trap.” implying that even if he escapes, even in his dreams he still falls for this person because he feels like he cant have anything else.

9) Lloyd Dobbler

another love song about wanting to have someone but not being able to because of Unspecified Forbidden Reasons. “why are you so far away / even when you’re standing next to me? / your eyes give you away / telling secrets your mouht don’t feel like talking.” falling in love with someone, maybe sensing that they like you too. that they Are Like You and that they have a Secret they dont want to vocalize. do i even need to explain it at this point? and in the chorus “That I’ll be your lloyd dobbler / with a boom box out in the street / and i’ll be there if you need someone / even if he isn’t me.” saying you’ll be there for someone even if that person isn’t you, also the use of Pronouns which is big for pencey prep. which yes the use of “even if he isnt me” could imply a straight girl ooorrr....Fruit Behavior. also this line “There’s a norman rockewll painting / of two kids sitting on a bench / it reminds me of all the stupid things / i’d like for us to share, but i dont care.” normal rockwell is a painter that paints traditionally “american” scenes. like the american ideal, that maybe he wants with this person. but he knows he cant have, but its stupid and domestic and he wants it but he Cant Have It because of FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

10) Florida Plates

another of my favorite pencey songs, and this one brings back those tragic “love but we cant have it” themes, except with a more somber tone. instead of being angry or resentful or spiteful in the face of adversity. its an Acceptance, of what they had and how good it was and how it just Cant Last. “kiss a mouth to open eyes / stall one last moment before goodbye / drive in different cars in different directions / never write all the letters full of good words, better intentions / it’s for the best although we don’t know it / paper words will cheapen the moments we shared / it’s better if i say nothing at all.” it’s about knowing you have to leave someone, even if having them in the moment is great they Can’t Stay and you can’t even talk or write about the moments you had. which do i even need to explain it at this point? forbidden love, not being able to have each other, not even being able to Talk about it. its a secret, and painful one but its beautiful while you have it. Conclusion alright!!! thank you so so much if you read all the way through that i Know it was long i Know it was a lot of repetition but i wanted to make my point. pencey prep has very big gay themes in their music. with forbidden love, letting go, heartbreak, keeping secrets, toxic realtionships. which none of it is gay on its own but in the context of: almost none of the songs having clear gender indicators and always speaking really vaguely about the subject and Eight Grade the “nail in the coffin song” you can see my point thank you and goodnight.

[thespoonisvictory]

my asks never seem to fully go through on anon which is probably bc i never send asks when i have internet, but the unreasonable urge to send an ask with Every Single c!wilbur Thought Ive Ever Had is so prominent and i also dont want to clog your ask box, i might just send one with a shitton of thoughts ive had in this past day (mostly) that fuck me up.

1. c!wilbur could explicitly tell us "ah yes, i have severe mental illness and i feel as though i am not enough for any of you, especially back when i was president, so i thought it would be easier to just k word myself so that you wouldnt have the burden of me, the villain, existing anymore." and everyone in chat would tell tommy not to listen because he is manipulative. sadge.

2. c!wilbur not thinking hes worth anything unless hes doing a project :((. inching closer to a creeper and not killing it just to let it go off bc he still doesnt think people care about him :((.

3. everyone disregarding the other character's trauma in favor of c!tommy's? wtf. like c!tommy is traumatized and mentally ill but ppl act like hes the only one who needs help, like hes never done anything wrong. a big slap in the face for those of us who relate to c!wilbur (its me) or the other characters who need help :((.

4. omggg c!wilbur not thinking hes enough for anyone and convincing himself hes not enough for anyone even when he WAS enough, and twisting 'not being enough for anyone' and 'not being enough for himself'

i think thats it. feel free to ignore lmao i just didnt wanna clog ur inbox anytime i have A Thought :))

all of these are true and sad :(

I will say for #3, I don't think this is always true, except in a few scenarios (at least in my corner of tumblr). the biggest thing I see that annoys me though, is how wilbur's suicide attempts and eventual success are either removed from their discussion of him, treated as less serious than tommy's, or treated as just Some Thing that also happened rather a significant demonstrator of his mental health

[myherogroundzero]

happy valentines day (bakugou, todoroki, midoriya, kaminari, kirishima)

A/N: good morning! or afternoon! or like evening. whatever time it is for you, good. anyway, im still writing the second part to saving grace because im an unmotivated, stressed out teenager. but thats okay, it’s almost done i just cant decide what i want to do next. anyway unimportant, just thought i’d give u guys a few valentines headcanons :) have a great day!

warnings: language

summary: i... just read it

katsuki bakugou

he’s not one for romantic gestures, but he gets up a little earlier than you

your eyes open and immediately you smell your favourite breakfast

the thing about bakugou is he doesn’t tell you how he feels about you NEARLY as much as he shows you

and this was one way he showed you

he thought valentine’s day was stupid, but you didn’t

and so there he stood, cooking you your favourites

you got out of bed when you smelled it and tiredly walked to the kitchen

he was facing the sink, working on something, when you walked up behind him and wrapped your arms around his torso

he tensed at first bc??? lmao you didn’t warn him you LOSER

you absolute fucking bafoon

anyway, moving on

“good morning, baby. is that y/f/b i smell?”

“yeah. say anything about it and i’ll eat it and make you watch.”

okay mayhaps his romantic gesture didn’t technically make him romantic

but even so, he did the same thing throughout the day

he didn’t take you out to do something or anything like that

but it was so much better than any cheesy romantic date you could’ve gone on

so he made your favourite foods and cuddled you on the couch

soft baby bakugou? yes please 🤤

hes literally so soft for you

his sweet, beautiful dumbass

he thinks the absolute UNIVERSE of you

you’re his fucking baby

you’re his sweetheart

his love

his life

or whatever the fuck it is those couples call each other

yeah thats what you are to him

hes not the most calm and collected boyfriend

but he was the best damn gift you’ve ever received

shouto todoroki

THIS SWEET INNOCENT BABY BOY

oh he’s so precious

did he buy you chocolates? yes

did he buy you flowers? yes

did he buy you stuffed animals? YES

but the absolute BEST GIFT HE GAVE YOU???

himself 😋

he was so nervous???

would you like what he got you? was it too much?

he didn’t know

poor boy never had a significant other before

he was so in love with you

he wasn’t cold and calm around you

he was soft and still a little panicked

he didn’t think he deserved you, even now

but here we are

he gets really confused when you disappear into your room for a minute

and then he gets flushed when he realises you got him a gift too

he loves it more than life itself dont get him wrong

but he wouldve been more than happy with just getting the opportunity to continue to love you

izuku midoriya

oh he’s such a cUTE AWKWARD BABY BOY

he loves you so FUCKING MUCH BUT HOW DOES HE SHOW IT???

chocolate? candy? stuffed creatures? flowers? cards? NO

IT WASNT ENOUGH

so what could he do? sad face emoji

he decided to get you a cute little heart necklace

which wasnt much, but it was adorable!!!

he thought it would look so cute on you

of course he bought you flowers too (hes the kind to buy flowers even if it’s not valentine’s day)

he was over the moon when you got all flustered and cheeky

did you take the necklace off? no

ever? no

but would you love him forever? absolutely

you kept the flowers and even pressed one in a book

probably the best valentine’s day you’ve ever had

same for him

he lov u very much 🥺👉👈

denki kaminari

he’s such an ugly whore i hate him

this boy? comedy centre

does he use a stupid valentine’s day pick up line?

you bet your sweet cheeks he does

“is there a mirror in your pants? because i can see myself in them ;)”

literally punch him

it does not stop

you are in constant pain

“hey babe?”

“what kami?”

“you leonardo dicaptured my heart—“

“gET OUT OF MY FUCKING FACE”

you love him tho

even if he is an insufferable dumbass, you love him

no but valentine’s day is really fun with him

he’s silly and he makes you laugh, which in itself is a gift already

but he still takes you out to dinner and a movie

but you happen to be lucky enough to have gotten a guy that makes you feel like everyday is valentine’s day

he might be a moronic idiot but he knows one thing with damned certainty

he’s completely enraptured by you

eijirou kirishima

sweetest fucking boy

treats you like motherfucking ROYALTY

you are a god/goddess

a sight to behold

he’s a romantic, what can you do

BUT

you weren’t nt fond of valentines day

“babe! let’s go out and do something!”

“kiri, valentine’s day is pointless. but if that’s what you want, sure.”

you have fun of course

but you just didn’t get the point

it was just another day

why should you love him any more or less on valentine’s day than you would any other day?

“y/n, today’s about love!”

“today is centred around saint valentine, who was imprisoned and then executed. if that’s love, baby, then i can kill you if you please.”

“... never mind, sweetie.”

he was kinda scared of you

but that’s ok bc u were still his sweet y/n

and he was so excited to spend valentine’s day with you <3

he bought you flowers

and he spent the entire day telling you how beautiful you are

he lets you know exactly how precious you are to him

but like,,, that doesn’t stop because it’s no longer valentine’s day

this boy would tell you how much he loves you every single day til the day you die and thats on God

[ghostbustermelanieking]

funniest things that happened while i binged the magnus archives (in no particular order)

my primary motivation for starting the podcast went like this: a) i am bored, b) my dear friends sarah and novena asked me to listen to this like 3 months ago, c) my dad just got a treadmill and i thought, i should have something to listen to while i do it! motivator! C was the biggest motivation. i listened to the podcast while walking exactly 3 times and had to stop because i couldn't focus on the podcast

approx. 4 episodes in i was trying to consciously listen for plot and important things, so i texted sarah after episode 4 all proud of myself like "i'm guessing this jurgen leitner guy is important" Except i spelled it something like "yorgan lightner"

the worst the podcast ever scared me (like startled me in the moment) was in season 1, i cant remember the episode, but jon starts saying "end recording" and i visibly began to relax (bc i thought it was over!) and then he stops in the middle and bellows "MARTIN" and i jumped like a foot

i listened to the last two episodes of season 1. and i NOTICED when sasha's voice actress changed! but i didnt realize it was a different actress i... actually didnt know what was going on so i texted sarah like "is sasha good she sounds real weird does she have a head cold or something" and then i heard not!sasha in the credits and was like OH

but i didnt realize she was dead! i think i was like "so when are they gonna find sasha?" to sarah a couple days later and she was like "oh she's dead" and i was so fucking dumbfounded it happened so quickly

i listened to the killing floor episode the night before we went to a drive through zoo and i had to look directly into the eyes of many cows

that was also the day i learned what a Scottish cow is. bc they were at the zoo and we thought they were yaks and then my dad figured out they were from Scotland. i did not know they would appear in the season 4 finale

so i started playing games originally to have something to do so i didnt zone out during the podcast and i could keep my hands busy. and it was a really good system at first. now i'm 500 levels into candy crush and i will deadass zone out during statements because i get really fucking frustrated when i cant beat a level

i was like "i'm gonna take this nice and slow, listen to a couple episodes a day and enjoy it" and within a week i was listening to like 5-10 every day and i finished in about half the time i planned on

me at the dinner table the other night: if i listen to like 5 or 7 episodes a day i can finish before the new episode comes out my sister: or u could do it at a pace that's actually enjoyable me: how is that not enjoyable??

you know that post about people misconceiving TMA as a found family dynamic? well that was me until like mid s3 and i was fucking thrown by the realization and have had a lot of trouble reevaluating my view of the dynamics. during Martin's s4 "we're not friends" rant to daisy i was like "wow this feels pointed" very sadly

ok so in the s4 q&a when they say elias's voice is supposed to be a smug version of jon's! i was like "THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE" bc i deadass got elias mixed up w jon sometimes in the first two seasons. like i listened to the s3 trailer and was like "oh thank god they know elias did the brutal pipe murder and not jon" for like half the trailer

i tried to listen to an episode in the car exactly once before being like "no you know what i need to be able to absorb and react to things not on the road"

i thought i'd try and play an episode while i showered one morning, but the audio couldnt be heard under the water and the fan, and i considered showering in the pitch black for like 5 seconds before deciding that was a bad idea

me half asleep one morning: they should make the Admiral a significant plot point, like the cat in captain magnus... i mean captain marvel... he should just fucking kill things

the time when my dad was explaining how hamburgers are ground up while we were cooking, and i'd just listened to the meat grinder episode, and i told him the plot of the episode, and he got the same exact disgusted expression as me

i still cant remember anyone's name last night sarah was like "it's dark watch out for maxwell reynar" and i was like which one is that again

when i described the trip to stop the unknowing as the "clown field trip"

i pictured martin as like this slacker who gives a fuck personality for a WHILE in s1 before i ever actually met him

that one episode where jonny and the voice of georgie do an intro, and they said something that made it sound like what the ghost was a real podcast, and i was like ?? so i googled "what the ghost" and google gave me lots of definitions of what a ghost is

i was talking to my friend rachel and i referred to my cat georgia as "georgie" and she made a georgie denbrough from IT reference like "oh dont let your cat near the sewers" and i was so deep in tma that i was like georgie... barker? oh wait right different interest

i was texting with this friend i dont talk to a lot in person, and i thought that she would like tma, so i asked if she had listened to it. she was like "oh i just started" and then she asked me what was up with brian. i couldnt remember a brian, so i googled "brian the magnus archives" and the only thing that came up was episode 100. i assumed i missed something so i was like "i'm sorry, i cant remember, who's brian again?" and she's like "the intern that gets roasted" and i was like oh oh you mean martin?? but i was too embarrassed to correct her, and we havent discussed it since, but now i feel bad that i DIDNT correct her

[georgiadixon]

animal

pairing: michael langdon x reader

request: “Plsss write something fluffy. I dont care what it is about, i just need a Michael that is LOVED” - @gelukstraan

warnings: fluff, sex, blood, death, gore, lots of crying… just all of it lads. gets kinda creepy towards the end.

summary: your love story with the devil, as told by animal by troye sivan

word count: 1926 ! it’s a longer one boyz !

a/n: i promise this was meant to be just pure fluff but idk my hands slipped. thanks for reading, liking, and reblogging! it means so much to me. pls feel free to message me about whatever, and leave requests if you want to! ♡

my masterlist is in my bio! :)

i told you something safe

something i’ve never said before

and i can't keep my hands off you

“i love you.” michael whispered, your head in his lap. the hint of a smile appeared on your face as he rubbed his thumb against your cheek. your eyes wandered upwards to meet his gaze, threatening to get lost in everything his soul held.

your demons chanted, telling you this was the devil. but you thought, how could that be? how could this beautiful boy with the softest blonde curls be anything but pure at heart? when you learned who michael really was, you knew you should have been scared. but something in you had always trusted him to the point where you’d give up your life for him. you knew you’d follow him anywhere.

“you know i’d never hurt you, right?” michael spoke as if he heard your thoughts. you nodded and whispered back to him “i know.” but his eyes still held true concern. the look on his face made your heart break. you sat up in his lap so your legs were on either side of his hips then wrapped your hands around his neck. his hands went instinctively to your lower back, rubbing up and down.  you smiled empathetically as you put your foreheads together. “i trust you, michael. i know you’d never let anything happen to me.” “never.” he retorted, voice lower than usual. your eyebrows raised slightly until he spoke again. “nothing will ever happen to you, baby. not when i’m around.” your heart swelled at his words and you wondered what you ever did to deserve his love. you held back tears as you moved his hair out of his face to kiss his forehead. you continued to leave kisses all over his face before finally meeting his lips. michael’s grip on your hips tightened as you moved your hands to hold his face, drowning in each other’s warmth.

while you lie in the wake

covered all in the night before

i’m high, no one's got me quite like you

the boy you loved held you as you slept, though he was far away from his own sleep. his gaze wandered all over your resting figure. he thought you were perfect. every inch, every curve, every crevice fascinated him to no end and he knew that he would do whatever it took to have you by his side forever. he had loved before. but never had he felt this much love and admiration for a single being and have those feelings returned just the same. you challenged everything that michael had ever believed in and gave him one reason to accept that humanity was capable of creating something worthwhile

he traced your skin tenderly, stopping at any mark he came upon. some given to you when you came into the world, and some given to you by the boy wonder who found his way into your body in the depths of the night. this was how it started. secret rendezvous where he held your hand as you found a place together to call yours. he never meant to get attached or to care past the night. everything was telling him that this wouldn’t last, and you didn’t deserve to have your heart broken when you found out the truth about him. but the one night you asked him to stay, he couldn’t say no. that next morning was when he knew he loved you, truly and fully. it was then when he realized he had fallen for you, and he would go through everything and everyone to ensure that you were alongside him for eternity.

i want you all to myself

don’t leave none for nobody else

i am an animal with you

the first nights you spent with michael were perfect. he was charming, always finding the right words to make your heart skip a beat. you didn’t know what was going to happen when he went through the tests given to him by your supreme, but you knew that you loved him and you didn’t want to live without him. then he was told to descend into hell, and something left your body as he did. as you sat on the floor and awaited michael’s return, you couldn’t help but wonder if this was all worth it. if betraying your coven was worth the pain and agony that came along with loving the antichrist. you looked towards your sisters and knew that if you chose to be with michael, they wouldn’t want anything to do with you. they would cast you out. everything you had ever known in your whole life would be taken away the second you showed any sign of betrayal. you knew this, yet when michael resurrected, you ran to the devil, giving in. that was the moment he became your everything. now when you’re lying next to him, all you see is your forever, your purpose.

you woke up to an empty bed. you frowned at the cold air that hit your skin while sitting up and letting the blankets fall off of you. you looked at the clock and saw it was half past two. you groaned at the early hour and attempted to rub sleep from your eyes. just as you began to wonder where michael could have gone at this hour, it hit you. call it lover’s intuition.

that was when you heard the screams.

it took you a moment to react, as only one thing was echoing through your mind. michael.

no angels could beckon me back

and it's hotter than hell where i’m at

i am an animal with you

you ran as fast as you could towards the horrific sounds. you didn’t have time to process what was happening before you slipped on the blood covered floor and fell head first onto the hardwood. you groaned as you sat up and held your head. as your eyes became adjusted to the light, you gasped in shock of the sight before you.

every witch, slaughtered. their lifeless bodies were scattered around the room. you grew sick looking into the faces of the girls you once knew as sisters. you couldn’t begin to try and understand the meaning of this. and then you remembered.

on cue, you heard a faint whimper coming from the corner of the room. you just noticed there was still life among you. it was him. your boy, you thought. covered in blood. hunched over in pain as blood ran out of his body at a relentless rate. they must have tried to kill him before he slaughtered them all.

you shrieked and ran over to him, crying out for help. you felt a hand reach out for you. you wanted to just hold him close and let him know everything would be ok, but you didn’t know that. you were trying to stop the blood, to buy you some time but his wound was past the point of healing and you knew no one was coming.

you sat back and began to sob, holding his head in your hands. “michael.” you choked out, looking into his eyes. you could tell he was fighting to stay awake.

“don’t cry, angel.” he smiled up at you. “i’m alright.” he said clearly, but after started to cough, blood spilling from his mouth. you winced at the sight, feeling completely helpless. michael was always the strong one. he was always the one to lead the way, to take your hand and bring you to exactly where you needed to be. but without him to guide you, you were helpless.

“what can i do? i-” you shook your head. “how can i help you? michael, please. tell me what to do.” you rested your forehead against his, your tears hitting his face. you felt defeated. your entire world was crumbling down around you. but in the midst of all your hopelessness, the boy who you dedicated your life to just looked at you, brought his hand to your cheek, and smiled. “i love you, y/n. i’ll see you soon.”

all you could do was cry for him, cry for your boy wonder. cry and pray to whoever finds him that he’ll be taken care of.

an ode to the boy i love

boy, i’ll die to care for you

you’re mine, tell me who do i owe that to?

you were holding michael when his soul left his body. his eyes rolled back to his head as “father.” left his lips, and you knew he was in hell. you laid against his body, trying to feel whatever was left of him. but there was nothing. he didn’t even look like himself to you anymore, almost like you were betraying him by holding his body and not his soul. you closed your eyes and an intense wave of dark energy overtook you. your body started to shake and you screamed out in pain. you had lost all control of your senses. your vision went black, and then you felt him. you felt michael in your bones, trying to pull you under. you knew death seemed like something that you shouldn’t face for a boy, but you had made a vow to yourself and him that you would follow him anywhere. and you meant it.

and as the days fly by

we’ll be more than getting through

and in time, we'll build a home for two

everything around you was black. your body felt like it was on fire, yet you felt at peace. you felt as if everything in your life had lead you to this moment.

loud chimes began to ring from above you as a path of light appeared before your feet. as you slowly followed the path, vines grew from all around you. time didn’t seem to have significance anymore, and you didn’t think it ever would again. the only thing that would ever matter was the sight now before you. millions bowing down to your towering frame. on earth you were small, you were shy and ignorant. but here, you were a goddess with unlimited power who would rule hell forever alongside your king.

michael grabbed your hand and smiled at you. you smiled back, happy to be with him again. “i told you i’d see you soon. what were all those tears for? i started to think you were doubting me.” he spoke with such confidence and a light beaming from his eyes that you had never seen before. he was happy.

your smile grew as you grabbed onto his shoulders to kiss him deeply. he returned the kiss with more passion and held you close. you pulled back to say “i never doubted you. i was just so scared, i mean, you were so far away and-” michael cut you off and crashed his lips back to yours. he looked deep into your eyes and brought a serious look to his face.  “we’re together now. and together we’ll stay. for eternity.” you nodded. the force that connected you two together was stronger than it had ever been before, and you were filled with so much content you swore your heart could burst. michael pulled back and brought you to his chest so he could rest his chin on your head. and with strokes to your back and a kiss to your head, he spoke the words that settled any and all things that had ever tried to keep you apart. “welcome home, my queen.”

my masterlist is in my bio! :)

[uhpeach]

oof personal rant about boy and relationship shit below the cut it’s way too long sorry

finally had a talk with boy last night... it started bc they are having a stoplight theme party tn where you wear green if ur single, yellow if it’s complicated, and red if ur taken and he was like “so what color are u thinking of wearing”... and i was like “green i guess bc im single”. but i said it as a joke.... and he was like... “oh well i was thinking yellow”. and i was like “ya me too i guess”... and he was like “ya idk i think most people will either be red or green so we’ll be some of the few yellow ppl which is kinda fun”. and i was like “ok. ya whatever cool”. and he was like “but i’ll wear whatever u want like if u want me to wear red i will”. and i was like “no. no pressure. yellow makes sense.” but then i was making sad girl face i guess and he was like “nooo stop with that face. you’re thinking about something what’s wrong” and then we like went innnnnn with like a convo about “us” or whatever the fuck.

anyways like the things he’s worried about when considering making us official is that he:

1. says he is an extremely jealous and controlling boyfriend? and he does not like who he is as a boyfriend so if he isnt technically a “boyfriend” he has no reason to get that way/can stop himself from being like that. which i like.... dont see at all. and like maybe he had a reason to be like that with his ex but honestly i dont do much or like get hit on so i see it as a non-issue honestly? like im too into him to like even need to be “controlled” like i genuinely want to do whatever he wants bc i just want to see him happy ? but then he said that when he sees me happy it makes him happy and when i keep crying like i have been it makes him really sad and scared that our relationship would be built on a bad foundation. and i see it as the opposite like in spite of what he has done and how he’s hurt me we’ve gotten past it and grown to know each other better and like each other a lot and im still here spending time with him so like idk we think about these things very differently i guess. 

2. he was thinking like soooo far in the future for some reason like... when i met him he was pursuing a finance degree in the business school but he like decided music was something he was really passionate about last year and since then he’s been like learning how to use like music production software and how to play piano since then. so he was saying like he doesn’t want me to see him as like a jobless bum loser when i could be with a guy has a secure upwardly mobile job making 60-70k right out of college while he’s like.... working as a DJ and practicing like music production stuff. and i was like..... what r u talking about like i don’t need you to support me? and if ur worried about how i’ll see you like i just want to see you happy i would rather see that than someone complaining about how much they hate their job and life every day bc like.... idk when you l*ve someone all you really want is to see them happy. and then i told him how i have bragged about him to people who like wish they could change majors about how he’s actually doing something he’s interested in rather than sticking with business school which he hatesss. 

(he started crying sometime during point two into point three)

3. he was worried about not being able to give me the level of attention ur supposed to give someone ur dating. like he was saying how he practices his music stuff in his free time but like when ur dating someone ur supposed to spend like all ur free time with them but i’ll have to like share that time with his music and he like doesn’t want me to feel like he has no time for me? but i was like dude i dont need you actively paying attention when we’re together like the other night i was doing my homework in his room while he practicing and i was just so stoked to be in the room with him even though we were doing our own things. and also like the people in relationships who spend allll their time with their significant others are people i get SO ANNOYED BY i was like dude... i dont want to be like any of those couples like of course i want to spend as much time as possible with you but i have other “relationships” i need to maintain that im not just gonna drop like some of my other couple friends have. like my friendships are super important to me, probably bc i have never been in a relationship so i like really do love and put a lot of focus on my friends, so if he needs time for his music and did need some private time to focus i would just spend that time maintaining my friendships because i love and want to spend time with them too? like it’s not that deep and i’ve been alone for so long im used to it.....

i think there was more but anyway he was thinking SO FAR AHEAD and asking me like what i want to do and where i want to go after graduation and im like ????? i .. dont know ??? omg ???? what does this have to do with like dating right now like are u never gonna date anyone again until ur ready to date them until marriage im ? confused? i.. legitimately was NOT thinking this far ahead ? but then he kept bringing up how like feelings fade and he like want to make sure his college friends are lifelong friends and how a breakup would make it so that’s a more difficult thing for us to be and im like i get it ? i have brought up that point to so many people like it used to be that i cared more about having him in my life forever like at least as a friend just bc i like him so much but now it’s harder to be like that bc i like him SO SO much like... idk imagining never having been official a few years down the road and just being that girl he had a “thing” with in college. bc that’s not what i want to be to him. like if we do stop liking each other i dont want to have to meet his future girlfriend or fucking wife and be like hi im olivia.. his friend from college. like just calling what we have “friendship” hurts so bad and if i had to look at someone he like loves in the future and call myself just a friend from college that would fucking kill me. like at least if we were exes i would be like hey im his friend-ex-then friend again from college. ya haha things didnt work out but i’ll always care about this guy ur lucky to have him. ya know. there’s a difference.

and all the things i was concerned about were suchhhh immediate issues like... im only not satisfied by the relationship status of like being a “thing” bc i want to actually be taken on dates..  and have someone who would be happy to like bring me coffee if im having a rough day (and like so it wouldnt be weird if i did little things like that too) and so we could like go on a trip together or like as it stands it would be weird for me to like bring him home for a few days and be like “hello family this is my good friend :) we are going to share a bed bc we are... friends :)” like you cant tell ur family about ur “thing” bc like o ur really good friends that care a lot about each other and have sex but ur not dating... like that gives parents too much to think about it’s gross.... and it would be weird for him to bring me to like his hometown to meet his friends and what not bc we are just like ... a thing? and i WANT to do that stuff like it would mean so much to me. but like you only do that with ppl ur dating and i want to be with someone who can like share their life with me and i can share mine with them if that makes sense. also u know what i think it’s fair of me to want to be able to call someone my boyfriend like. that is a word i have never gotten to use and when i like hear it in movies and tv shows and even when friends say it i feel like im being fucking stabbed. like i have never gotten to be a girlfriend and i feel like people see me as less of a person because of that, especially being in my 20s now. idk just like societal pressures are getting to me i hate being a sociology major im like super analyzing like the roles i am “supposed” to take to live up to what it is to be a woman in our society. like i have been a daughter, a friend, a coworker, a sister but i have never been a girlfriend and that is something i feel like an innate internalized NEED to experience idk like it’s just beat into you by media and peers and parents from when ur like a kid until you actually do fulfill the prescribed gender based roles... like if i am not a wife or a mother in my life i might fucking kill myself like ik roles and labels are meaningless but i NEED THEM to like give me identity and security. anyways. uh that was a lot. if u read all this and i don’t sound insane lmk!

[ruffiorocks]

Lena Luthor and her lack of support no matter what she does.

Long post. Not really Kara friendly, but its past events. 

Soooo, losing myself down a Youtube rabbit hole of Supergirl clips, i have concluded that Lena Luthor does not receive any kind of support from her friends andor/significant other if whatever she is doing doesn't fit in with their ‘hero code’ that for some reason she still isnt really privy to or involved in. Despite the fact that she has saved the world and Supergirl MULTIPLE  times!

It really does play out like this:

Lena, ‘I am going to invent......

Super friends ‘NO Lena you are not allowed to invent that because WE dont think its right!’ 

Lena, ‘I am pro..

Super friends ‘NO Lena!  You cant’ support that because its the opposite of what we think’. 

Sooo yeah, basically no matter what Lena does, unless it supports the Superfriends and it has their seal of approval she is some how wrong. Why? Because she has  a mind of her own and isnt a senseless drone who believes a smile and hope will fix the worlds problems. 

Lets look at some examples: 

1. Lena invents the alien detection device, because she believes that humans have the right to know if an alien is among them. Kara, against this purely because she is an alien, actually struggles to come up with an argument against it. But when Lena turns around and says if aliens want to live in America thats their right and if humans want to know who they are than thats their right to, Kara, without a second thought destroys Lena’s device! Lena of course changes her stance at the end of the episode (and Kara does a little to) but even if she hadn't, it doesn't make her a bad person. 

Lets review: 

Kara went to the sister of Earths biggest alien hater to ask her view on the Alien Amnesty Act. Kara didnt like what she heard, she struggled to actually come up with a decent argument that didnt involve ‘I am an alien’. She then destroyed something that Lena probably spent months of hard work and millions of dollars on because ‘it didn't meet with Kara’s approval’. (Im actually really happy Lena got this working again to use it on Rhea!)

2. Lena manufactures Kryptonite to help save the life of her friend Sam who came to her for help. Now lets remember that Sam did actually go to Alex for help at the DEO and Alex found nothing. So it wasnt like Same didnt have options. But she clearly felt safer with Lena. To be frank,who wouldnt? I wouldnt want to knock on the DEO’s door and be like ‘hey! Im Reign, the murderous alien you've been looking for, but its not my fault’. I digress! Lena made Kryptonite to help Sam!

So, when Supergirl/Kara finds out that Lena has kept Sam a secret and had the nerve to have Kryptonite,(we learn later she made it, but told Kara it was Lex’s)  what did she think? Well it was ALL about Kara! Sam wasnt even given a second thought. Kara doesn't agree that Lena should be allowed to have Kryptonite because she doesnt approve and apparently everything Lena does now needs the Super seal of approval. I mean, even Alex was sound with Lena after Lena explained.

Lets review, Lena has Kryptonite and used it to help keep her friend contained so she wouldnt go out murdering people. All this at Sams request, but the first thing Kara thinks of is Kara, because SHE isnt happy and wasnt involved . Because for some reason Kara has to know and be involved in all things and they have to have her seal of approval or Lena is some how bad. 

3. Lena approaches Kara/Supergirl telling her she has something for her to help fight Reign and not to be alarmed because its in a lead lined case. Kara instantly alarmed because apparently that super hearing is useless and she is so lost in her current prejudice towards Lena that she has forgotten that Kryptonite can’t hurt her when its encased in Lead. Something that Lena JUST TOLD HER! Supergirl ‘is that Kryptonite?!’ ugh..duh Kara! Anyway, Lena tells her its to help her fight Reign, you know since NOTHING Kara has done so far has had any impact, but Lena (angel that she is) offers her the solution. Kara, ignoring what Lena just said gets pissed and tells Lena she has gall lying to her face, Lena finally sick of Kara’s bullshit and rightfully so, tells her she didnt lie. she made the Kryptonite. (OK i know she did lie, but you saw Kara’s reaction to Lena simply having what she thought was Lex’s kryptonite, could you imagine what she would have said if  she knew Lena had made it to begin with? I can promise you one again Sam wouldn't have even factored into it.) Lena tells Kara she made it, and she super charged it for Reign. Kara, once again ignoring the possibility of defeating Reign,  saving Sam and the world takes this personally and is like ‘You what?!’ Because once again Kara is the only person on the planet that matters right now. She then ORDERS Lena to give up her formula and anything Kryptonite related and give it to Alex and the DEO and tell her she is never going to make Kryptonite again because errr... KARA says so! I do love how Lena is just rolling her eyes at her. Lena tells her she thought she would be grateful, Kara once again thinking only about Kara doesn't understand how she should be grateful that Lena made the once substance on Earth that can kill her. Errrr because it can stop Reign you selfish, self involved, self righteous Kryptonain arse hole! Lena then tell her lots of things can kill humans but you dont see us being whiny arses about it.

Lena tells Kara she has a God complex, in this situation she isnt wrong. Kara goes off on one about the effects of Kryptonite and a smug Lena tells her thats exactly what she needs to subdue Reign. Kara, realizing that she does in fact need this Kryptonite because she has failed to come up with a solution herself, picks it up and even has the gall to turn around and say to Lena ‘even if we were on the same side’. No Kara! You are on the same side! Lena has been helping, keeping Sam safe and has come up with the solution you need

Lets Review, Lena told Kara she had something and not to be alarmed to which Kara was instantly alarmed. Kara got pissed at Lena for learning to make the one substance that could in fact save the day. She ignored the fact that it could in fact help Sam and thats why Lena made it. No it was ALL about Kara. Kara even told Lena they were not on the same side, even though Lena has done more to help Sam/Reign that Kara has and no one else seems to have an issue with Lena at all.  It was all about how this would effect Kara and how wrong Lena was for making it. Once again Lena is in the wrong because Kara doesn't agree, it didnt have karas’s seal of approval, hence forth Lena is in the wrong. 

4. While Reign is locked away in Lena’s cell, Lena uses a forcefield that blocks out Reign seeing them, even X ray vision. Kara,who literally just heard Lena say it blocks Reign looking at them decides to try to look through, because reasons i guess? Of course it hurts her and she gets pissed. Even though she just did that to herself! Then she decides to get pissed at Lena (AGAIN), Lena tells her the shock of looking through it keeps Reign in check. But of course that part goes over Kara’s head and it becomes all about Kara. She tells Lena they ‘talked about this; and if Lena made any weapons that could hurt Kryptonians she would tell her. Can i interject that this is Kara’s supposed ‘best friend’ and she immediately jumps to every bad conclusion she can? Lena says its not a weapon and then puts Kara in her place by telling her she will tell her about Kryptonite but she doesn't think about her while she makes other things. 

Lets review, Kara who was just told by Lena that the force field blocked out Kryptonians decides to look through it anyway and gets in a mood and all offended because it hurt. Shocker!  Lena tells her its to keep Reign (the murderous alien who just threatened to rip out Lena’s spleen, in check). This once again goes over Kara’s head and she immediately jumps to the conclusion that the force field is a weapon that can be used against her and how dare Lena even think of making something without informing this random super hero she barely knows who has no authority other than what she has given herself and from a secret government organisation Lena isn't even supposed to know exits! Kara is going no thought what so ever to Sam (again) or that Lena’s spleen is being threatened. Why? because Lena had the nerve to something without Kara’s approval or thinking about Kara first and we cant have that because the world revolves around Kara.  Henceforth Lena is bad. 

5. Kara, not trusting Lena at all asks her BOYFRIEND to break her trust and break into her vault to see if there is more Kryptonite there. Kara once again thinking of only Kara, thinks its OK to betray your best friend by getting her boyfriend to break into her personal vault. Kara then gets pissed at James because he suddenly grew a conscience at the very last second, after already breaking into L Corp and getting to the door of the vault, but not going in. Kara is annoyed that James decided to tell Lena what Kara/Supergirl asked him to do. Why? He literally just made the situation worse to score points with Lena. Lena will later learn that Supergirl did this and is notably pissed. Kara meanwhile is surprised by this. 

Lets Review, Kara, once again thinking only of Kara, asked her best friends boyfriend to break into her personal vault and betray her trust because Kara is paranoid. Kara may have had a reason to be paranoid, but once again thinking only of Kara she manipulated James into betraying his girlfriend, Kara's best friend. (I dont care if he didnt go in, he still broke into L Corp. If my partner broke into my home but then decided not to steal something i would still be pissed and call the police!) 

There are so many other things i could write about, like how Lena saved James’ ass from the DA but he treated her like crap for it. Lena helped to get rid of the Daxamites, but because Kara didn't like the method, one again it was ALL about Kara and her happiness with Mon El, because f**k the fact people are dying. Its technically not just Lena who brought the Daxamites, but Kara and Mon El’s selfishness.(Rhea didnt even attack until Mon El refused to go back with her) Kara not willing to let go and Mon El not willing to give up a cushty life to actually go and help his people become better people) Lena had to suffer the cold shoulder for weeks!) 

But lately. its Lena and her idea to give people super powers and work with the government, James is instantly against it because it doesn't fit in with his moral code even though he told Lena he was fine with what she was doing. Until it involved the government.  So once again Lena is the bad guy. 

No one has a problem using Lena when she is needed though, Like when she saved Supergirls ungrateful ass from Kryptonite poisoning. Or when she created harun el to save all the people of Argo city. Or when she pilated the ship and helped Kara and Mon El fight Reign. Or when she managed to get her and Mon El to safety on the daxamites ship. Or when she saved all the aliens from being poisoned. Or when she brought cat co. Or when she killed the man she loved to save Supergirl etc etc. 

Lena, does not receive support unless she is fitting in with other peoples ideals. She has got to have their approval or she is deemed the bad guy or questionable. At this point its a wonder she hasnt gone mad and simply become a villain already. She wants to save the world her way, she does in fact save the world a good few times. But because she doesn't kiss Supergirls ass and look for approval she is seen as the one in the wrong. Oh and Kara, as much as i do love her, can be the most self involved person on the show! Poor Lena proves herself over and over again, but she is never given full approval or trust. The poor girl can not win no matter what she does. Id like to say that Kara’s attitude has gotten better, she has been the one to support Lena defend her, but ONLY if it doesnt effect her directly. This latest season she has barely said two words to her, so only time will tell. 

[mazojo]

Noah screenshots? Hcs? Canon facts you like about him? If you guys were to break up, why?

NONNYYYYY

I am sorry for taking a moment there to answer you, I have been trying to write up this answer for a couple days but fumblr here always messes my post up //rip

I am gonna put this all behind a read more cossss I may get ramble and sentimental and people may not like it asdfghj but just know there may be spoilers below and that in this household we are always at all times and every single second, stanning Noah Marshall hours foLKz.

*Cracks knuckles* leTS GeT ThIS BreAD shall we?? ill be dividing it into each part because yo girl just got a chance to cream about her bby boi Noah and she will take iT asdcfvghjk trash

Screenshots

I am not sure what you mean 100% but I am guessing its sharing my fav screenshots while screaming about it and I will 100% do it xDDD

1- I call this one the “Tragic Backstory™ meets sappy”

Okay okay okay i gotta say this whole scene may as well be one of my favorite ones. Not only does it capture them soooo well, but it also made me connect even more to Noah. He lost everything the day he lost his sister. Everything he did was in order to gain everything back, in the hopes of bringing her back to return to how things were and i…..i…..am……weak……

2- This ones called “Everyone @ PB headquarters is a coward for not giving Noah happiness”

Not gonna put the entire scene because its too long buT when I say I would die for Noah Marshalls entire happiness, I mean I would diE FOR NOAH MARSHALL’S ENTIRE HAPPINESS (literally, because, you know, MC kinda dies for him….. ha…..haha….. too soon). thats it, thats the whole message I want ya to get from this post lmaooo.

3- This one goes by the name “Top 10 cursed moments in Choices history”

how he blames himself. “it should have been me….” because his mom blames him. he blames himself. Noah has carried this burden alone for his whole life. he is broken please someone hug him (and that someone is MC obviously pfffff).

4- This one is “I am damaged, gone wrong, got killed (100% real, not clickbait)”

DOnt have to explain how much this scene literally broKE one (1) dumb soul. This whole exchange is so powerful and everytime I re read it I get tears in my eyes because we all deserve better than this ;w;

5- Lastly I call this one “I added one more because all of the ones I choose were depressing and I needed to redeem my rat boi so”

Thats it, thats the screenshot. Please someone who doesnt know Noah Marshall describe him by this one image asdfghjk

Headcanons

ASDFYU OMG THANK YOU NONNY I STAN I STANNN 

Well, I actually made some of my MC x Noah HC because they are s o u l m a t e s and this is the post buuuuut some Noah hc I have are:

- As I mentioned in my other HC list, Noah is insomniac. He is always staying late and avoids sleeping because almost everytime he falls asleep he has nightmares thus he is always anxious when sleeping. Since he began dating MC in this magical AU the nightmares have been more manageable

- Can I reiterate on the fact that he has a beanie collection?? Like, I am talking all colors and sizes, homeboy’s only fashion statement is his beanie and we stan.

- He is terrible at using social media. MC and Stacey had to b e g him to create an Instagram account. To this day he still does not understand why people add hashtags to posts

- His favorite bands are Green Day, Simple Plan, Set it Off and Rex Orange County (see as I self insert myself in Noah LMAOO)

- His favorite Disney movies are treasure planet and Dumbo because he used to watch them as a kid a lot with Jane *crying noises intensify*

- He is actually a pretty decent singer! The one or two times MC catches him whispering some song she makes a huge deal out of it and asks him to sign autographs for her so when he becomes famous she can sell them, causing him to dramatically roll his eyes and blush while looking away.

- Even though he is a good singer, Noah haaaates dancing and he sucks at it. As I mention in the other HC list, he always ends up tumbling over with his own feet and avoids dance floors like the plague, only slightly softening for MC

- He refuses to buy AirPods even tho all the others have them. His most significant character trait is using wired headphones and owning it

- He has MC saved as “Dumbass 🖤”

- The crew has a group chat in which Noah has tried exiting, multiple times, only to be added once again and everyone going in his case for him to stop being emo asdfghjk

- His spirit animal is a wolf according to him, every-time MC remembers his answer to that question she starts quoting the “in all levels except physical I am a wolf” vine and “Noah has exited the chat” once again.

- His proudest achievement is his music library, with his infinite playlists selection.

This are some of the HC I haveee, I dont want to bombard you with them but I actually have a notes thingy with this lmaoooo, I do this with my fav pairings but never end up posting them asdfghj

Canon facts I like

oh boi

everything

asdfghjkl but in all seriousness:

- I mention this in almost all my Noah posts but his love for family is one of the things I like the most about him. How much he grasps into that hope his sister is alive and how much he suffers for it, even willing to sacrifice his soulmate friend for that, which okay, was wrong, but he did it with all the good intentions in the bottom of his heart.

- His humor definitely. asdfghj cynical and dark humor is very uwuwuwuwuwu attractive to me and my dankness so yeeee

- His passion for culinary school is soooo asdfghjk of his part. I personally have absolutely no idea how to boil water, so in the first place I admire anyone who knows how to cook, and just how much it means to him. Culinary school is his dream and he has abandoned it, but in every scene you speak that he brings it up, you can see how happy it makes him and asdfghjk bby boiiii

- His beanies asdfghjkkuytr okay okay I know I make fun of them a lot and stuff but beanies are actually are one of my few weaknesses for guys clothing lmaooo (just right behind glasses 😍)

- Just the whole thing with helping MC out (in my play-through) after getting turned into Redfield. Like, hello? he is literally not giving up until she is back? because he believes in her? eye-

Those are the ones I can think off right now from the top of my head but if I remember more later I will come back at ya with emmmm ^^

If you guys were to break up, why?

Big Ooffff

So I answered an ask from my homegirl Kato a while back answering and analyzing if Noah and I would actually work out in real life and I think in a way, the same answer can answer this question.

We would break up because in some way, we are too similar. In the sense that we are both pretty introverted, kept to ourselves, a bit of bad humor and that would lead us to clash in our own ways. Thats why I believe he needs someone like I HC my MC to be. She is outgoing, helping him get out of his shell, get out and explore, she is like the light and they balance each other out. If I were to date Noah we would just both fall into one side of the balance xDD

That being said I still loVE ma BaBY BOOOiiii nOahhhh but I think he would make a much much muuuuuch better couple with someone like MC :33 as I said, they are soulmatessss 🤧

Bishes be loving Noah. thats me, I am bishes and Anon has just blessed my inbox and we been stanning

[stereoskopiandaydream]

TW: suicide, self harm

this is probably gonna be weird so. Sorry

I...

I really don’t lnow how to say this in any other way than just saying it so

I think women are really cool.

Like

As a guy, i see women, and what i see is this... quiet strength, this maturity of mind and spirit, forged by all the trials and trauma and all the bullshit this world puts them through from day one. I dont have to explain, nobody knows about any of that stuff better than they do.

I see this complexity of emotion, this depth of soul, the wondrous ways their minds work, this incredible sensitivity and... i guess just being so completely in-touch with the world.

I see this world wide family of sisters and mothers and aunts and wives and girlfriends and best friends and strangers who have never met before, and it seems to me, looking from the outside, that they have a membership to an exlcusive world of wisdom and love and support.

I dunno, I just really admire that.

I think there are times im jealous of womanhood.

It seems to me that men have, in an effort to carve out a unique identity separate from women, from the mothers who raised them, have destroyed the ability to tap into the very best parts of themselves and their humanity.

For example, in order to be strong, men think they must be stubborn and fearless, instead of realizing that true strength is being flexible, and acknowledging fear while still taking action.

As a man, i feel alone. There was a time in my lifr that i thought this loneliness went away when i surrounded myself with other men, when i felt “brotherhood” and “camarederie”.

But even in those brotherhoods, every man is still completely and totally isolated.

In the scouting program i grew up in as a child, as a boy, none of us talked about the important things: family, our struggles, our doubts in ourselves, our fights and failures, none of us talked about sexuality - and trust me, we talked about sex a lot, but never sexuality, and anyways the times we talked about sex always felt weird because it was like talking about our favorite toys, like girls and women were things to fuck, rather than people to share sex with, and forget about anything to do with non-heterosexuality - and none of us talked about what we hoped for and why, none of us ever allowed ourselves vulnerability.

I almost joined the Marines. One of the reasons i wanted to join was the brotherhood i thought existed there.

As time has gone on, and imve talked to people, and read things, and expanded my knowledge and understanding of the world, i’ve realized that the Marine Corps would have been the worst place to look for what i was looking for.

I have depression. I might have ADHD, I’m not sure and as far as i know I’m not diagnosed, but i’ve had a doctor try prescribing me ADD medicine before. I’m unsure how well it worked because I don’t remember that time in my life very well anymore. I’ve definitely been suicidal. A lot of suicidal thoughts. So far I’ve been lucky to be a coward in that I’m afraid of cutting, but i’ve thought about it a lot. I’ve held a loaded gun to my head on several occasions.

All this to say, seeing a special forces operator talking about the stigma surrounding suicide in the armed forces on a social media account was kind of alarming. Hearing about the stigma in the news and in documentaries, online. I think back and realize it would have been a really bad place for me, and not just in that regard, lots of other ways, too.

But suicide is one of the easiest things for me and my friend to talk about. It just seems like... a part of life; wanting death, or at least not wanting to live.

If you take a look at the numbers, and you’ve probably seen a lot of them before and are familiar with them so i’m going to leave them out for the timebeing because i’m trying to be quick - men have a statistically significant higher rate of suicide than women.

I dunno.

I just wish being a man didn’t mean being silent.

I wish being a man didn’t mean being unsupportive.

I wish being a man didn’t mean trash-talking every single thing in existence.

I wish being a man didn’t mean burying emotion.

I wish being a man didn’t mean poisoning yourself with anger and fear.

I wish being a man didn’t mean killing yourself.

[dirtreally]

top 5 manga/doujins

okay i spent a lot of time thinking about this and i don’t think i can really rank them in any significant way other than the order that they popped into my head after reading this and hopefully that will speak for itself

1. Fukaboku

its fuckiiiiiiiiin fukaboku babeyyyyyyyy!!!! the first chapter of this dropped a couple of months after i began understanding myself as nb and it just continued to kill it for like 8-ish chapters afterwards, during which i ended up finding the courage to actually think of myself as an nb person rather than [assigned gender]. i feel really weird about putting this as #1 cuz as the months go on, it’s becoming increasingly clear that what i want from fukaboku and what it wants to do with its premise are gonna become harder and harder to resolve with each other, but it’ll always have a special hold over me cuz it was the #1 thing i was looking forward to reading every day for like 6-ish months www

2. My story of being loved

yeah this kinda sucks. i reread it just now and one of the dramatic plot twists actually made me burst out laughing. but there’s something really sincere and sweet about it?? i don’t like reading into works in this way but it really does feel like the author just wrote this to communicate something to a specific type of person in the most blunt way possible aka a thinly-veiled author insert character who spends most of the oneshot reacting to the other girl. i think a lot of why i like this one so much is cuz even all of its’ weird writing decisions feel like the manga tripping over its own balls because it’s so excited to sell you this specific story

3. Her Pet

this one’s a little rough because while it’s not overtly horny about its high school-aged cast there’s definitely a lot of horny undertones to it and i dont want to eat my own ass for her pet because its absolutely written and marketed with that in mind but it’s also the only story about bullying that i’ve ever actually connected to specifically because of this, because of how it shows how bullying fucks up your ideas of romance, intimacy, and sexuality, because of how it showed a character who got abused for so long that she was unable to create an intimate relationship with an entirely different person without recreating aspects of that abuse, because of how even the happy ending where she gets over all of this has her relapse into this sort of thinking (its played off as kind of a joke but it still sticks out in my mind a lot because MAN). it’s genuinely a really dense piece of work, narratively, but it’s really worth it and imo it’s one of the best manga/comic/manhwa out there about abuse because even though it’s steeped in melodrama all of the neat narrative choices about the aftereffects of gayoon’s shitty school life bleed into the text in a bunch of really subtle ways? there’s definitely some narrative tension into Wanting To Do A Melodrama With A Whacky Slightly Horny Marketable Hook and Wanting To Be Tasteful And Frank About It(which, to its credit, is the one that wins out most of the time) but it gets resolved really well by the time the whole thing ends off.

4. Girl’s last tour

If girl’s last tour didn’t exist i absolutely wouldn’t be doing art right now. I spent 2 years feeling extremely exhausted with contemporary pop art (both in anime/manga and broader pop culture) and images in general because i felt like i was looking at the same images repeated ad infinitum reduced into the barest of shapes like some night in the woods type thing. artistically, girl’s last tour felt like the one thing that actually understood what i was going through. reading the manga, yuuri and chiito are both drawn as these vague shapes that are definitely meant to be people but feel like they are animated by the wind rather than by like, muscles, or something. their shapes bleed into each other, and into their surroundings, and it feels like if you poked a spoon into any page of the manga you could stir it around and see these shapes swirl into each other before slowly becoming even more indecipherable. even the architecture feels vague, meant to give off the IMPRESSION of a building/monolith in such a way that it sometimes feels like the drawings are barely holding themselves together. like if you looked at a road too hard it would break in half. this is a really hard thing to communicate but i hope that you get what i am saying. the art of GLT felt like it embodied the same feeling i had for years at that point, where i felt like my lineart was barely holding myself together, and if i let my guard down for a second i would spill into the floors and drains of the buildings around me and only be able to exist by being acted upon. with that in mind, it was absolutely lifechanging that the actual narrative content of glt is about two people who are alienated from their environment in every meaningful way and no doubt have the same variety of brain shit i do, but are still able to find happiness even just by being alive. There’s a longer version of this part where i go on to talk about what the narrative actually does and the larger tkmiz mythos surrounding it, and how THAT became it’s own obsession that used to be an extension of my love for glt but now exists as the main thing and w glt as an extension of THAT. but this is maybe getting too long and i think you probably get the idea now. i know this is a lot coming from someone who only does one okay art thing every other month but like even though it makes me feel like shit 90% of the time drawing stuff is the one part of my life i feel like i actually have some Ws in, and without glt and without tkmiz’s larger work in general, i wouldn’t even have that much going on

5. vector spectacle

to be honest, vector spectacle isn’t nearly my favourite touhou doujin(at chirei no contest), but it feels so special just because of how unlike anything else i’ve read it is. There’s so much energy in the pages, it’s basically a pop-up book. i can feel the almost nauseating, manic, energy bouncing from page to page, that itself feels directed at nothing and everything all at once; at whatever point in time this was drawn, wherever in the world it was drawn, the person who drew this felt this exact emotion