#i swear this movie is my coping mechanism

[emafallsinlove]

life has just been spiralling downhill

[wongyuseokie]

Teardrops On My Guitar | h.j.s

Summary: You loved him, but he was your best friend. While he sometimes blurred the lines, he never saw you more than that. Since he was your best friend and you were so in love, you’d break yourself apart for him. You watched him fall in love with everyone, but you only question for how long? ☆ 18+ minors dni |☀︎fluff | ☁︎ angst | ♕smut | ♥ completed works

Word Count: 19,760 words

Pairings: Joshua Hong x Female Reader Genre/Trope(s)/AU(s): Unrequited Love AU! (don’t say I didn’t warn you; this really won’t be a nice one). Slice of Life AU! Fluff, Angst, Smut (the holy trinity, if you will) 

Content Warnings: Yelling, swearing, crying, arguments, toxic coping mechanisms, smut, unprotected sex (don’t do this). Smut Warnings: Fingering, oral (male and female receiving). multiple orgasms, squirting, hand jobs. Body insecurities, bitchy drama from other girls (let's lift each other up). Slut-shaming.  Authors Note 1: I think All Too Well was painful for me to write because that was the story about how a relationship that I deemed perfect fell apart, but this one hurts me more because this is a story I hate reliving so much. After all, this is the story of how I fell in love with my best friend and how I never told him (sort of), but now I had to watch him fall in love with everyone but me. This story is a letter to myself back then. I wish I loved myself more back then. 

Author’s Note 2: This is a Seventeen rewrite of an old fic of mine, so if it looks familiar, that’s why hehe.  Authors Note 3: Thank you so much to the following people for reading this for me @shuadotcom @gyuwoncheol @okiedokrie @wonuvs

© wongyuseokie 2024. All rights reserved.

High school sucked. It was a universal truth. 

But you felt like some days it sucked for you more than it did for others. You felt awkward, you didn’t make friends easily – if ever. You basically had just two friends, while every morning on the school bus, you’d hear chatter about someone getting drunk or kissing someone at a party. 

You would have to take a deep breath and pretend you didn’t care. But you didn’t even have enough friends to hold a party, let alone be invited to one. Hell, you couldn’t remember the last time you partied.

You even celebrated your birthday with your parents last year, entering the fifteenth year of your life in your bedroom, watching movies and spending time with your parents. And you didn’t really mind it. You just wished you had someone who wanted to spend time with you. 

The worst thing was hearing about other girls your age having lavish birthdays, having their first kiss, and whatnot made you realise that you had no experience of any of that. This sucked completely,considering that everything felt like a competition in high school. 

Who could get their first kiss before anyone else? Who could lose their virginity first? Forget virginity; you had never even kissed a guy. A proper kiss. Not a stupid peck, but an adequate kiss – one of those you saw in movies. 

You were convinced that the only way you’d ever get your first kiss would be if you were granted a magical makeover where the universe would give you a new face, a slimmer body, and more proportionate features. 

Your mother said you were pretty, but what mother wouldn’t? Some stupid boys in your high school took it upon themselves to tell you throughout your entire middle school years how undesirable you were. They would pretend that their eyes burnt if they saw you and they acted like you were Medusa. In some ways, you could relate. You, too, felt like you had a curse that wasn’t your fault either. You tried all the beauty hacks, scrubbing your face with homemade sugar scrubs and buying concealers that were too light to wear, all because you just wanted to be pretty. 

Feel a little worthy. 

Now that you were older, you knew their hurtful words were untrue. And no, you didn’t suddenly have an epiphany and start believing you were a beauty queen, but you knew not to take such awful comments to heart. Yet, you couldn’t help how they’d sometimes seep into your mind. 

However, as you stood outside your dorm room as a fresher at university, you couldn’t help but wish this was your chance to begin again. You had a new start; no one here knew you from high school; you weren’t back in your small town; you were in the city. You could start over. 

Your bullies, past, and insecurities didn’t follow you here, so maybe this would be the time you’d finally be able to restart. Get a new lease on life.

“Oof, sorry,” a voice apologised as its owner bumped into you, making you look up from the floor. You were met with dark brown eyes filled with kindness, compassion, and, at this moment, regret for bumping into you. 

You looked away from the stranger’s eyes to take him in. He was tall and devastatingly handsome, with a giant grin adorning his handsome face, and you immediately felt like you were thrown back into high school. Guys like him would either mock your appearance or ignore you, pretend you were a wallflower. 

Girls like you didn’t get guys like him. 

You immediately looked to the ground and mumbled an apology. 

“Hey, what are you apologising for? I bumped into you, and I bumped into my flatmate. Nice to meet you. I’m Joshua!” The handsome man introduced himself, holding his hand to you, and you accepted it gingerly as you shook it. 

“What’s your name?” Joshua asked. 

“Y/N,” you replied. 

“Well, I’m excited for fresher’s week! I think it’s so cool that we get to live in co-ed living spaces and get to be adults. I’m also glad that our rooms both have an ensuite, thank fuck. Not the biggest fan of sharing bathrooms,” Joshua rambled, then laughed when he saw your confused expression. 

“Sorry, oversharing with my neighbour within a second of bumping into you isn’t the best first impression, is it?” Joshua joked, and you shrugged, shooting him a smile. 

“Okay, well, I got to finish moving in, but will you be coming across the hall for the freshers’ party? I have a couple of friends I’m going with, but I’d love for you to join us! Unless you already have plans?” Joshua asked.

You shook your head, stunned. Was this reality? 

Someone willingly invited you somewhere, not out of force or school obligation but because they wanted to ask you. 

“I’d like that,” you finally answered, making Joshua smile.

“Well, Y/N, apparently freshers have been told to wear comfy footwear, whatever that means, but how about I knock at your door at nine, and we can leave together?” Joshua offered, and you nodded as you hurried back into your room, slamming the door behind you. 

You were beyond confused. You had plenty of outfits to choose from, but the one time you wore a skirt to your high school disco, you heard a few comments calling you a try-hard and an attention seeker, so you went home and threw the skirt into the back of your closet never to be seen again. And now, that skirt was in your hands again, reminding you of crappy memories and the fact it was impractical as it had no pockets. 

You decided to wear jeans instead. Jeans were a safe option. You chose a black, strappy top with some sequins and threw on a black leather jacket. 

The outfit was inspired by several hours of Pinterest-related shopping you did before arriving at university. You wanted a fresh start, which also meant fresh outfits. You wanted everything to be new. 

You grabbed your white striped Converse and put them outside, on the floor next to the foot of your university bed, a modest single. You also decided to shower, shave and exfoliate. You didn’t think Joshua would find you remotely attractive, but you wanted to at least feel somewhat pretty. 

A couple of hours later, you were putting on your silver hoops when you heard a knock on your door. 

“It’s open,” you said and smiled at Joshua as he walked into your room in tight-fitted jeans and a loose black tee tucked in and completed with a black belt. 

“You look nice,” Joshua complimented.

You hissed as you poked your ear with your earring at his compliment. “Ouch!” you yelped.

Joshua’s eyes widened as he approached you, taking the earring out of your hand and helping you to put it on. “Did I startle you or something?” he asked, his voice too close to you, breath fanning over your neck. 

“I just… I don’t get compliments, so yeah, I guess you did,” you admitted, feeling stupid for admitting something like that to a perfect stranger. He would probably think you were weird now and walk away. 

“Well, that’s a shame. You deserve plenty,” Joshua said genuinely as he squeezed your shoulder, smiling widely at you.

And for the first time in so long, you felt like there was hope for your heart, and for you to find and experience everything you never got to in high school. 

The void in your heart… maybe Joshua could be one who could fill it. 

“Oh, Y/N, by the way! They’re having a flat party. Everyone said that the freshers’ party is usually kind of boring and that nothing much happens. They were talking about things like safe sex, and I’m sure we’re all tired of that conversation from high school,” Joshua joked as you two walked out of your shared dorm and across the hall where you stood as he informed you of the flat party. 

“How many people will be there, though?” you asked, feeling insecurity and fear flood your system. You didn’t want a ton of eyes on you in your outfit. You didn’t want to hear the whispers that would inevitably make you curl up and cry into your pillow all night. 

“I think twenty, give or take. It’ll be our flat and the one across ours,” Joshua replied, and you pondered over the thought of meeting nineteen new people – people who could judge, mock and make fun of you. 

“Hey, you’re my next-door neighbour—well, our doors are opposite one another—you are now my friend, and I’ll keep you protected. If anyone tries shit, I’ll smack them,” Joshua vowed, making you giggle. 

“What’s so funny?” he asked, smiling as he watched you giggle. 

“I just tried to imagine you even trying to beat someone up,” you replied, wiping the tears of laughter that collected in your eyes, making Joshua laugh at you. 

“Oh, but I am fiercely loyal. Trust me, when it comes to protecting those I care about, I’ll fight,” Joshua said seriously. 

You nodded, following him across the hall to the other flat as you two walked into the kitchen, where drinks were being poured, and you could tell several people were already quite drunk. You swore you saw a couple exchange a few kisses. 

“Hi, we’re from flat 2A! Our flatmates told us about the party!” Joshua introduced himself, and one of the guys, who introduced himself as Jeonghan, approached you and Joshua. 

“Well, 2A, welcome to flat 2B! We do have alcohol to spare, but if you want more, you’ll have to bring your own,” Jeonghan explained, the smile never leaving his face, and Joshua nodded as he brandished a bottle of soju from his coat pocket. 

“I’ve got us sorted,” Joshua grinned, and Jeonghan smiled again as he welcomed you two. 

“Y/N, have a seat next to me. We 2A’s need to stick together,” Joshua joked as he guided you to the black couches, where he helped introduce you to the other students. You exchanged several words with Nia and felt she could be a good friend. She had kind eyes and a soft smile, something you were never used to ever seeing. 

“Alright, I’m bored. Can we play a drinking game? It’s the easiest way to get to know one another,” another girl, whose name you couldn’t recall, complained, immediately grinning when everyone agreed. 

You could see she had no actual malice. She just wanted to party. Not everyone you’d meet in life would be your high school bully. This was something you’d have to remind yourself of during every interaction. 

“Okay, what do you want to play, Nia?” Jeonghan asked as he joined her.

“Truth or dare! But take a shot if you want to skip the dare or truth?” Nia suggested.

Everyone nodded–including you, even if your heart beat wildly in your chest. What if someone asked you something like if you were a virgin? You’d lie, but the stammering would give it away. Then again, you had been a wallflower all your life. No one would ever pick you, you convinced yourself as you took a large sip of Jeonghan’s concoction. 

It tasted more like he poured pure alcohol in and sprinkled in some diet coke to mask the fact he did not know how to mix a damn drink, but it was a drink you were thankful for. It gave you a nice buzz, lowering your inhibitions and fears. 

“Okay,” Jeonghan said after three rounds. Everyone had a pretty good buzz, and the questions and dares were getting more unfiltered and scandalous with each game. “Joshua, I dare you to give Y/N a peck on the lips,” Jeonghan said smugly, making you gulp and swallow the remainder of your drink. 

As you sighed, you didn’t think the party would come to this, but you realised you were fooling yourself. People would always care about this, and you didn’t fancy being a laughingstock. 

“Wait, Y/N, where are you going?” Jeonghan asked, genuine concern lacing his voice. Joshua stood up, shooting Jeonghan a slight glare. 

“I just, uh, want to go to bed; you know the alcohol has hit me,” you mumbled quickly as you nearly ran out of the flat and straight back to yours. You rushed into your room, taking a seat on your bed as you took deep breaths. 

It was okay; he wouldn’t remember any of this tomorrow, and you’d avoid it if needed. 

“You should lock your door, you know,” Joshua’s voice startled you as you stood up from your bed at his sudden presence. 

“Can I talk to you?” he asked, and you nodded, knowing there was nowhere to run. 

Then again, there was that large window… But if you leapt out of it, you’d fall into a bush of poison ivy, so you decided to take the scarier option of engaging in conversation. 

“I’m sorry if Jeonghan went too far with that dare,” Joshua apologised as he sat down on your bed, and you sighed, shaking your head, joining him. 

“No, it’s just… I didn’t want to make you feel repulsed by doing something you didn’t want to do,” you admitted.

Joshua turned to face you. “That’s the last thing I’d feel if I kissed you. You’re so beautiful. Anyone would be lucky to kiss you,” he said, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. 

“I wouldn’t know what to do,” you admitted, causing him to smile softly at you. 

“May I?” Joshua asked, and your breath hitched, knowing what he meant, “not because I feel obliged, but because I want to,” he added, and you finally nodded, making him smile as he moved closer to place his soft lips on yours. 

You didn’t know what to do, so you followed his movements, the way he moved his mouth ever so slowly against yours. He was kissing you like you were made of glass, and it made you feel like you were a crystal sculpture. 

Fragile yet beautiful, his kiss made you feel worthy. Joshua smiled as he pulled away. 

“Wow,” you whispered. 

“Wow?” he asked, and you nodded. 

“I’ve never had a kiss like this, just a stupid peck. But this one felt like a real kiss, so yeah… this one felt nice,” you admitted as Joshua nodded. “Sorry if I didn’t know what I was doing or it sucked, though, I just—oomph,” your rambling was cut off by his lips as they pressed against yours again.

You felt him smirk against your lips as he pulled away slowly. “You were fine,” Joshua clarified, and you nodded at him. “Look, the party isn’t over, and more people have joined. I think they’re playing music, and they’ve dimmed the lights, so if you want, we can go back?” he offered, smiling at you.

You hesitated. 

“Or I can grab another bottle of soju, and we can put a movie on? Or I can leave you alone?” Joshua offered. 

You smiled at him. “How about a movie?” you chose.

Joshua nodded with a grin. “Be right back! Let me go get the bottle of soju from my room. You pick the movie, but nothing horror,” he added as he left your room. 

You smiled in his wake. 

This was your new beginning. You could start afresh. 

~~

Two weeks in, lectures had started. Joshua had become your partner in crime, your closest friend. You had also grown closer to Jeonghan and Nia; they had become part of your little friendship group, and you felt wanted and included for the first time.

You felt needed, seen, and appreciated. It was everything you ever wanted. 

“Yo!” Joshua yelled, barging into your room one evening while you were reviewing your lecture material for the following day. 

“Do you bother knocking anymore?” You chuckled, shaking your head as Joshua got comfortable on your bed, kicking off his shoes as he lay down. 

“No. Friends don’t bother with formalities,” he told you smugly, making you roll your eyes at him. 

“Why are you here, anyway? I thought you and Jeonghan wanted to go to a social?” you asked him. 

“Yes, but apparently, Jeonghan and Nia decided to go on a date or something, I don’t know,” he mumbled, making your eyes widen. 

“Wait, what?” you exclaimed, and Joshua shrugged. 

“I don’t know. Nia didn’t give me a straight answer, just kept blushing, and Jeonghan just smirked,” he answered as he shrugged off his leather jacket and threw it to the floor. 

“Shua, are you planning on crashing or something?” you asked, putting your pen down and turning to face him, and he grinned at you. 

“Come on, it’s movie night,” Joshua whined playfully, making you smile. 

“Oh, shut up, you’re only here because Jeonghan ditched your ass, and I’m the second choice,” you joked, but you couldn’t help the thread of insecurity that weaved its way into you. 

“See, normally, I’d let that slide, but I know you might take that to heart. Hey, I live across the hall from you, and you’re one of my closest friends here, okay? I don’t want you ever to think that you’re my second choice,” he assured you softly as he got up to wrap his arms around you. 

That was a new thing you got used to: Joshua’s extreme affection - his need to touch and feel loved through the act of touch. It was new to you, but you weren’t entirely mad either. It felt nice being wanted and being a source of comfort to him. 

“Now, stop doodling flowers on your lecture notes and join me. I want to watch something,” he teased, and you nodded, smiling shyly as you saw the flowers etched into your work. 

“Shall we do a Pixar night?” He then suggested. 

“Always,” you smiled, nodding as you joined him on the bed. 

As you sat down, Joshua immediately pulled you to his side. Soon enough, he was curled into you as he held you during the movie, either babbling nonsense or pointing out things you never knew existed in the film. You loved that about him, you thought to yourself. You loved his ability to see the beauty in everything. 

You paused as you stared blankly at the screen. 

Was that it? Did you love him? 

Were you falling for your best friend? 

The man who took you seriously for once and made you feel seen, were you falling in love with him?

You knew you were falling for the man who could see the beauty in everything. 

You wondered hard that night… would he be able to see the beauty in you?

~~

“So, how was your date with Jeonghan then?” you asked Nia, who had just sat across you with her breakfast. 

She shook her head. “It wasn’t a date. I needed to talk to Jeonghan, that’s all,” Nia explained, and you nodded at her. 

“You two would make a cute couple, though?” You joked, earning a scoff from Nia. 

“What would you know about relationships? Aren’t you forever single or something?” she snapped at you out of nowhere, making you feel like all your progress with your friends over the past month crumbled in a second. 

“I…” You opened your mouth to defend yourself until you realised Nia was right. You were no one to give anyone any relationship advice. 

“That’s what I thought. So keep your comments to yourself. Just because you kissed Joshua once does not mean you know a thing,” she added unnecessarily, her words pouring more salt into the wounds you kept so hard to keep closed. 

Why did Nia know that Joshua had kissed you? And why was she using it as an insult? Did she find it laughable, or did Joshua embellish the story and tell them that he only ever kissed you because you were like a wounded puppy, and he felt sorry for you?

“I need to go,” you mumbled before speeding away, feeling nauseous as you returned to the dorms. 

Would Joshua ever hurt you like that? You didn’t think so, but guys like him were never meant to be with girls like you. 

“Yo, what’s up?” 

You heard Joshua’s voice as you walked into the standard room, and instead of reacting like you usually did, you ducked out of the room and ran to your own. Just as you were about to close the door, Joshua’s large hand pushed between the space and wedged himself into your room. 

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” he asked. 

You sighed, not realising that the tears had fallen down your face. “Nothing,” you mumbled weakly, earning an eye roll from Joshua as he grabbed your books out of your hands and placed them on your desk. 

He then held your hand as he walked you to your bed and sat you down. “What happened? I know something did. I’ve seen your happy tears, and these aren’t them. What’s wrong?” he repeated, his hands moving to cup your face. 

“Fuck, Shua! How did Nia know about us kissing that night?” you burst out, making Joshua frown. 

“Fuck, I was talking to Jeonghan. I didn’t think he’d blab to her. Why, what did she do?” he asked. 

“I just… I was teasing her about Jeonghan and her going on a date, and she got annoyed. So I thought to diffuse the tension, I’d joke and say that she and Jeonghan would make a cute couple. She lashed out at that. She asked me what I would ever know about relationships, as I’m a forever single girl. Then, when I couldn’t say anything, she said, “Just because I kissed you, I shouldn’t assume that I know anything,” you admitted, feeling more tears falling down your face as you recalled the comments. 

“What the fuck? Why would she say that? Listen, you can always give relationship advice without being in one, okay? I’ll find out what’s wrong with her, but what she said is so beyond fucked up,” Joshua snarled. You could tell he was angry. 

“That’s not necessary, Shua. But… I want to know why Jeonghan even knew about the kiss,” you mumbled.

Joshua frowned as he sat down next to you. “I’m sorry. We were just chatting, and it slipped,” he apologised. 

“Well, you should be more careful. It’s not fucking okay to do that,” you muttered.

Joshua’s eyes widened at your tone. “Why? Is it embarrassing to kiss me?” he accused, and you stared at him in shock. 

“Oh, don’t even go there. You know I’m the one people laugh at and look at funny. The one everyone knows got a pity invite. And now they all probably think that you kissed me out of pity, too, and now they’re laughing at me!” you ranted, making Joshua scoff at you. 

“I don’t know that much. You don’t let me in about a lot in your personal life or your past, but no one pities you here. No one thinks that—only you do,” Joshua commented, making you feel small. 

“We all have a past, and I’m not trying to fucking invalidate yours, but you need to get over whatever happened to you in high school. This is a fresh start, so instead of victimising yourself every chance you get, maybe get out of that self-pity bubble you’ve trapped yourself in and realise that people might give a fuck about you! But if you keep wallowing and crying over stupid shit like this, then no one will want to be your friend for real,” he huffed out.

When you didn’t speak, Joshua looked up to see how you looked even more devastated than when you came in initially crying over Nia’s comments; he had made you cry more. 

“Y/N—” Joshua started to say, but you shook your head at him. 

“You’re right. I’m being a pain in the ass,” you mumbled, making Joshua groan. 

“That’s not what I’m trying to say, but if that’s how you keep taking it, then sure, you might as well be,” he added, and you nodded. 

“Can you leave? I have an assignment due tomorrow,” you mumbled, getting off your bed and walking to your desk, turning your back to Joshua, making it clear you wanted to be left alone. 

Joshua felt like a complete moron. He knew he was being a dick, but he didn’t like how you spoke in riddles. He didn’t like that. He wanted proper sentences, and you gave him emotion but no real problem. 

Joshua tossed and turned in his bed that night. What was your past? Why were you always suspicious of anyone who wanted to be your friend? Why were you always so guarded? 

He didn’t bother taking the time to look at the clock. Instead, he jumped out of bed and out of his room across the hall and pounded on your door until you opened it, glaring at him. 

“You could have woken up the entire fucking flat,” you hissed as you let him in. 

“Tell me,” Joshua breathed out, and you stared at him, confused. 

“Tell you what?” you asked.

“What happened in your past?” He asked as he sat on your bed, immediately getting comfortable under your blanket. 

“Didn’t you, just like, a few hours ago, oh, I don’t know, tell me to not wallow in my sadness and that I should get over it?” you mocked. 

Joshua sank, shaking his head for a second and holding his hand to you. “Sit. Tell me. Look, I was careless with my words. I just wanted you to stop feeling terrible. But instead of saying that or taking measures to ensure that, I lashed out. I don’t like seeing people sad, but I can be quite clueless when helping them out,” Joshua admitted. You nodded, sitting on the bed but not taking his hand to make a point. 

“I don’t know what it was about me, whether it was my hair, skin or whatever… Maybe I had a goofy smile? And I guess no one liked that? Maybe? I don’t know. All I know is that the kids in my school suddenly decided that I wasn’t worth being friends with,” you started out, struggling to keep your voice steady as you recalled your painful memories, opening old wounds that you had only wrapped in gauze, never adequately healing them. 

“All these students… they would never include me in games or let me sit at their table during lunch, so I’d play alone, eat alone. And then, one year, a group of guys thought it’d be great to act like I was so hideous that they’d cover their eyes for fear of being burned by my ugly face or something,” you mumbled. 

You noticed Joshua’s jaw clench out of the corner of your eyes.

“That went on for a year, the calling me ugly things, but the general feeling and act of being excluded from everything happened and continued until the last day of school. If I’m being honest, everyone just acted as if I inconvenienced them, so I carry that, Shua. I assume I’m always a burden no matter where I go.”

“I fucking hate that, but, and I ask this not to blame you, but out of genuine curiosity and concern, did no one know?” Joshua asked. 

You sighed. 

“Teachers weren’t blind. They knew, but if no one was physically attacking me, they kept their mouths shut. I told a counsellor, and her advice to me was that I should seek compassion for those who bully me because they’re probably victims of bullying themselves,” you scoffed, recalling the god-awful advice the counsellor gave you. 

“What about your parents?” Joshua asked, and you shook your head. 

“Never, no. I mean, I’m sure they guessed. I never had any birthday parties, but I didn’t want to tell them,” you mumbled. 

“Why?” Joshua asked, and you shrugged. 

“I felt stupid because everyone else in school could make friends; they could go a full day without being bullied or mocked or made fun of, and I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to burden them,” you admitted, letting out a muffled sob. 

“They’re your parents; they wouldn’t think you’re being a burden. You’re their daughter,” Joshua offered, and you shrugged. 

“I wore a skirt to a school disco once, and all the others could do was point out how funny I looked. Everything and anything I did in school, I felt like a hundred eyes watching me, waiting for me to fuck up,” you explained, taking a deep breath. 

“All through school, I lived like that, so forgive me for being cautious when a new guy—especially a guy like you—openly welcomes me as his friend,” you mumbled, making Joshua quirk his brows at you. 

“A guy like me?” Joshua asked.

“A hot and handsome guy. A guy like you would be the boyfriend of one of the pretty girls, someone like Nia. You’d be with her, and you two would give me sickly sweet smiles before laughing at me the minute my back was turned, and I – I guess I know you’re not that kind of a person, but when Nia snapped at me and used the fact you kissed me as an attack… it felt like that I was back in high school,” you admitted. 

“I see,” Joshua said before turning you around to face him. “I’m going to ask you something, and you need to be honest with me, okay?” Joshua asked. You nodded. “Did you think I was mocking you when I told Jeonghan we kissed?” he asked.

You nodded slowly. “I know you wouldn’t, but… I have a past where guys that looked like you and Jeonghan would mock me, and girls like Nia would get guys like you while I sat on the sidelines and watched,” you reasoned, and Joshua nodded. 

“You’ve survived a lot, and I’m sorry you even had to go through it in the first place, but please know one thing: I’m not going to ever hurt you like that,” Joshua said, kissing your hand softly. 

“I kissed you that night because I wanted to, not because I felt pity or anything. Girls like Nia… I don’t know what to make of that sentence, but I kissed you, not her. I find you beautiful, and I’ll gladly go blue in the face repeating it to you,” Joshua proclaimed, making you smile. 

“It’s not out of pity either. I wish you could see yourself the way I do one day,” he inched forward. 

“Can I?” He finally asked.

You nodded, your eyes fluttering shut as you felt his soft lips on yours. Moments later, Joshua pulled away and smiled at you. 

“You’re beautiful. And I hope you’ll understand that every time I kiss you, it’s not because I have an ulterior motive but because I want to.” 

You didn’t know how to respond, so you simply blushed and smiled at him, nodding. 

“Now cuddle me. I want to sleep, and I know you don’t have an assignment tomorrow, considering you messaged me saying freedom in capitals,” Joshua joked as he pulled you into his arms. 

You couldn’t help but melt at the fact that he remembered that little detail that would haunt you and make you overthink everything Joshua would ever do. 

~~

You had never slept next to a boy before. Let alone wake up with his arms wrapped around your waist and his leg thrown over yours. But here you were the following day – laying in Joshua’s vice-like embrace.ou moved slightly to get up, and you thought you were successful until you heard Joshua let out a soft moan. 

You froze. You were sure that was just a regular moan he would let out in his sleep until he moved his leg, and you felt his hardness against your inner thigh. You might have never felt the touch of another pair of lips on yours until a month ago, but you weren’t an idiot. You could tell an erection when you felt one. You knew Joshua was turned on. But then again, you recalled reading that sometimes men just get hard for no reason.

That was it, you thought to yourself. It wasn’t because he was attracted to you; it was simply because there was a concept known as ‘morning wood’, and Joshua was prominently exhibiting it. Still, you couldn’t help feeling butterflies in your stomach. You couldn’t help the arousal you felt start to pool in your panties. 

You were a virgin, not a moron; you knew what was happening to you. And you needed Joshua to leave as soon as possible so that you could take care of the problem he caused. 

“Joshua,” you mumbled, trying to move away from him, which only made him move against you more, allowing his length to brush against your inner thigh over and over. He was incredibly long, is what you gathered. Very well endowed. 

“Stop moving,” Joshua mumbled sleepily as he pulled you tighter to him, moving his hips again as his length brushed against you, this time dangerously close to your aching cunt. You knew you needed to stop him before it escalated, and he regretted it. 

“Shua!” you yelped, pinching him, making him groan as he jolted awake, glaring at you as you broke free from his embrace. 

“Woman, will you let me sleep?” Joshua complained, his morning voice doing nothing to ease the ache in your pussy. It was so husky and deep… You wanted that voice to wake up to every morning for the rest of your life. 

“Not until that goes away!” you blurted out, making Joshua look at you funny until he followed your gaze down to his cock–his very hard cock. 

“Oh fuck! Well… this is just a normal thing,” Joshua said, chuckling, and you knew you hated how that made you feel. You wished to be the reason to arouse him, but he chalked it up to biology. “If I’m not out of line in saying this, you would also cause a similar problem, and holding you in my arms like that last night…  felt nice. So I’m sure my body was showing its appreciation in ways I didn’t,” he explained further, making you look down at the duvet with a stupid smile adorning your face. 

“Joshua, if you need to take care of it, you should do it. I don’t know what to do,” you mumbled quickly, earning a nod from Joshua. 

“Wait, ever?” Joshua asked, hating how incredulity laced his voice. 

“No. You don’t need to sound so shocked,” you mumbled, feeling defensive. 

“I’m not; I’m sorry, it’s the ass crack of dawn, and my brain is barely functioning,” Joshua defended.

You rolled your eyes at him. “And yet your cock was nestled in my ass crack,” you teased, your eyes widening in horror when you realised what you said. 

“Did you like it?” Joshua suddenly asked; his demeanour changed as he leaned back against the wooden headboard, making you gulp. 

His erection was more prominent with this slight adjustment. 

“I asked you a question. Did you like my cock rubbing against you,” Joshua repeated, this time his eyes burning into yours, and you knew you couldn’t lie. 

“What am I meant to say? I’m human,” you replied lamely, hoping it’d give him enough of an answer for him just to drop it. 

“So, it turned you on?” Joshua asked instead. 

You glared at him. “Why do you want to know?” 

Joshua smiled at you, admitting, “Because to think you are turned on… it’s fucking hot,”  

You wanted to yell but bit your lip to avoid verbalising your thoughts. 

“It’s even hotter knowing that I’m the reason behind it,” he added, and you kept staring at the duvet. 

“You should go,” you said abruptly, making him look at you in confusion. 

Even you weren’t entirely sure why you said that. 

Well, you did know why you didn’t want to be intimate with him: for fear that he’d take one look at what you had to offer and be repulsed. You’d be led to believe so what would stop him?

“If I overstepped,” he started to say, and you shook your head and held your hand out to him. 

“You didn’t! Just go!” you rushed, getting off the bed, indicating to Joshua that he, too, should leave. 

“I’ll catch you later?” Joshua quietly offered, and you nodded, waving to him awkwardly as he walked out of your room.

You let out a breath you were holding after he left. 

You shook your head, cursing yourself for kicking him out, but you knew you did the right thing. Joshua, just like any other man, had eyes and would be disgusted once he saw what you hid under your clothes. 

~~

Later that day, you walked into your lecture hall, cursing, when you saw that the only empty seat left was the one next to Nia. You sighed as you moved to sit down next to her, and she hesitated for a second before moving her bag down to the floor allowing you to sit next to her. 

“Hey,” you mumbled. 

You weren’t entirely sure why you were trying to converse with her when she had been rude to you, but you didn’t have many friends. This meant you didn’t have very high standards or understand boundaries.

“Hi,” Nia replied. Her tone was clipped. 

You assumed it was because she didn’t want to be disruptive during a lecture. She gave you a tight-lipped smile before returning to the front of the screen. 

“Y/N, hold up,” Nia called after you as you started to walk out of the lecture theatre once the professor had dismissed everyone. “Thanks for ratting me out to Joshua, by the way,” she taunted, and your eyes widened. 

“Look, I’m sorry for what I said to you. That was really shit. But you ran to Joshua, who then told Jeonghan, and then Jeonghan took it upon himself to lecture me about being kind to one another for twenty minutes. Either way, I shouldn’t have said what I said, so this is my apologies. 

“We good?” Nia asked, and you nodded. 

Not understanding what boundaries meant and not having many friends made you realise that your bar for human decency could have been higher. They needed to be higher. You knew that what Nia said to you was barely an apology. It was more of an “I’m sorry you got offended” apology, a shallow apology usually reserved for celebrities and their notes app. 

“It’s fine, I’m sorry, it’s just that Joshua caught me crying that day, and I guess I ended up telling him everything,” you rambled, biting your tongue, realising that you should have done it sooner, for it would have prevented you from oversharing.

Your bond with Joshua was sacred; you didn’t want any other girl or anyone to come in between that. You knew it was selfish and childish, but he held your entire life in his hands, and he didn’t know it. 

“So, are you two close friends then?” Nia asked as you two walked down the hall to the quad. 

“Yes,” you confirmed. You were shy about most things, but not this. You were his friend, one of his closest. 

“Then, do you know if he’s currently got his eyes on anyone?” Nia asked, her tone lowering slightly and your eyes widening at her question. 

“Wait, what?” you asked, and Nia smiled at you, the kind of smile that reminded you of the girls in school who called you pretty – only to say that you were pretty ugly. 

“Oh, I’m just screwing with you. He’s hot, but don’t worry. I don’t need your advice to get him. Besides, he and I have already kissed once,” Nia casually stated, making your heart sink. 

“What? When?” you asked, your voice a mere whisper. 

“Oh, you know, the night you chickened out for the dare to get pecked by Joshua? Someone dared him to kiss me after you left, and he did. I have to say I wanted to know what else he could do with his mouth,” Nia chuckled, making you feel like your stomach was twisting. 

You needed to leave. 

You couldn’t hear this. 

“I have to rush back, but I’ll catch you later?” you rushed, and Nia smirked, nodding and sending you a sickly-sweet smile. 

You were beyond thankful that your feet still moved because your mind was starting to malfunction and short-circuit. 

Joshua kissed you after he kissed Nia. That meant it was a pity kiss. And not only that, you were so taken away by the sweet cherry taste on his lips. Now it hit you that the taste was not only cherry but also peach, and it wasn’t his lip balm. It was hers. 

Joshua had kissed you without even bothering to remove the evidence that he kissed Nia minutes ago. 

But it wasn’t his fault, you thought. You were so desperate to be loved and feel the intimacy – to feel a proper kiss, the kind of kisses your friends bragged about – that you didn’t care that your first proper kiss was not only a pity kiss but that you also tasted another woman’s lip balm with it. 

You felt so stupid. 

Joshua had lied to you about what the kiss meant and failed to tell you that he kissed Nia. But then again, he was under no obligation to tell you anything. Where his lips went was not your business. You weren’t his girlfriend. You were just his friend. 

“Y/N, keep storming around like that, and you’ll burn a hole into the rug,” Joshua joked, his voice interrupting your thoughts when you realised that while you were busy ripping yourself to shreds, you reached back to the dorms. “Oh, by the way, I got something I want to show you. Can I show you in your room?” he asked excitedly. 

You couldn’t help the jealousy, bitterness, and anger that overtook your following words. “Sure, but are you sure that you didn’t show Nia first and are putting on an act now, pretending to show me?” you spat at him, taking Joshua aback. 

“Run that by me again?” he asked, and you scoffed as you opened your room door. Joshua walked in behind you, making you glare at him. 

“You kissed Nia that night. The night you kissed me, the first night. You kissed her and then kissed me,” you mumbled, hating how vulnerable and weak you sounded at this moment.

Joshua kept going from being your safe space to a man who toyed with your feelings. 

“I, fuck, how did you find out?” he asked, running his hand over his face and letting out a deep exhale, and you stared at him. 

“You’re not going to deny it?” you asked, and Joshua shrugged. 

“I’m not going to lie to you,” he offered bluntly, making you scoff. 

“You had no problem lying to me that night,” you countered, and Joshua shook his head at you. 

“I didn’t lie. I omitted a fact. But yeah, you’re right. Why did this conversation even occur? What did Nia say, exactly?” 

You sighed at Joshua’s questions. “Doesn’t matter. The point is that you kissed me after you kissed her,” you mumbled.

Joshua frowned as he inched closer to you to place his hands on your face, making you look at him. “Why does that matter?” he asked so innocently that you felt like you couldn’t even be upset. 

But you were. “Because I was a consolation kiss! You might not see it that way, but I fucking do, Joshua! I do. And you know what? It fucking sucks to know that you only kissed me because you felt bad for me. You kissed me after kissing the pretty girl, too, to what? Show that you’re capable of charity?” you accused. 

Joshua groaned. “I get your past, and I get why it’s making you lash out in the ways it is, but you cannot compare everything I do to the people who fucked you over in the past! I’m not one of them,” Joshua defended, earning a dry laugh from you. 

“Really? Because you are sure as shit fucking me over like them. I don’t want you kissing me or saying lewd things when you get hard from cuddling me because you think it’s easy to fuck with my feelings. I might not have any experience with all this, Joshua, but I have plenty of experience with being hurt and fucked over. You’re not the one I expected it to come from, though,” you spat back. 

Joshua just sighed. “Look, come find me when you want to talk like an adult. But if every little piece of gossip sets you off like this, I cannot keep up,” Joshua announced as he stormed out of your room. 

It was only your room he left… so why did it feel like he walked out of your life and broke your heart with the door as it slammed shut behind him?

~~

You didn’t talk to Joshua for two weeks. 

You’d bump into him often. How could you not? He stayed across from you, and it was hard to avoid your neighbour. Except it seemed like he would go out of his way to ignore you and express his disdain for you. 

At first, you assumed you were being dramatic, just like Joshua would call you dramatic. Maybe he, too, realised he wanted nothing to do with you, just like everyone else. 

“Penny, for your thoughts?” the guy suddenly asked you one day when you returned from your lecture. 

“You’re talking to me now?” you asked, puzzled. Joshua smiled, nodding. 

“I thought I wasn’t enough of an adult?” you snapped, making Joshua wince as you unlocked your door. 

However, he still followed you inside your room, making you narrow your eyes at him. 

“I didn’t realise I invited you in?” you asked, and he frowned, looking down at his feet. 

“I know I did something shitty to you, and it’s even worse because I wasn’t an adult myself. Hell, I stormed out of your room,” Joshua admitted, chuckling, and you sighed deeply at him. 

“I know I was too much. I just have a past,” you mumbled, and Joshua nodded. 

“I’m not trying to negate it, Y/N, but at some point you need to move past it. You have a clean slate to do whatever you want; why don’t you take advantage of that?” Joshua offered, and you nodded at him. 

“I know, and I get it. But with my past, Shua, I just – I let it haunt me so much that I end up struggling to believe that anyone could ever like me for me,” you admitted, and Joshua frowned as he moved to stand in front of you, his tall frame dwarfing you. 

“I’m so sorry that I was not more understanding. Truly, I am. I should have been, fuck. I just let my immaturity get the best of me,” Joshua apologised, and you shook your head at him. 

“We’re both learning. You have no reason to apologise to me. I’m serious. You don’t,” you admitted, and Joshua smiled softly at you as he wrapped you in a tight embrace. 

“How about we blow off steam at the party that Jeonghan’s flat is hosting?” Joshua offered. 

“I don’t know, the last party did nothing but cause drama, or rather, I overreacted,” you mumbled softly, making Joshua shake his head at you. 

“Your reactions are valid. Please don’t let me or anyone take that away from you,” Joshua comforted you, making you smile softly at him. 

“So, what’s the occasion of this party?” you asked, and Joshua shrugged. 

“I honestly don’t know, and I quote Jeonghan on this: who needs a reason? A party is a party,” Joshua chuckled, making you smile along with him. “Come on, go get ready, and we can go!” Joshua cheered, making you smile at him. “Look, we’re going to have ups and downs in our friendships. Isn’t that normal? But I promise I’ll keep the dramatic storming out of rooms to a minimum,” he joked, making you nod at him. 

“What should I wear?” you asked, making Joshua grin.

“Whatever you feel comfortable in,” he answered, making you swoon at his answer. 

It was a simple statement, but he never pressured you to look a certain way. But you still let your demons get the best of you. 

Was the reason why he didn’t deem it necessary to tell you to wear something nice that, regardless of what you wore, he’d never consider you attractive, so it didn’t matter?

“I can hear you overthinking. I’m saying wear something comfortable because it’s a flat party, not because I think you can’t pull off something else. I know you can. Hell, if you want to wear a dress and heels tonight, I support it, but I know you won’t be comfortable in it, not at a house party,” Joshua rationalised, calming the demons in your mind and making you nod and smile at him. 

“Sorry,” you gave him a sheepish smile, and Joshua shook his head at you. 

“Stop apologising for how you feel,” he said as he moved to open your wardrobe. 

“Oh, what about this? It’s sparkly?” Joshua beamed as he handed you a sparkly green top. 

You bought it on a whim once; it was what all the pretty girls in the magazines wore, it was what all the cute girls wore, and you just thought that if you wore that, you too would be pretty. 

“It’s stunning, and I think it’d make you sparkle and look like a mermaid,” Joshua laughed. 

“Mermaids are attractive?” You asked, taking the green top from him. 

“Listen, Ariel is fucking hot,” he declared, making you laugh. 

“She nearly gave up everything for a guy. A guy who she knew nothing about, and all because he was handsome,” you mumbled. 

“Not a Little Mermaid Fan?” Joshua asked, and you shook your head. 

“Not a fan of how much she gave up for him,” you mumbled, and he nodded, sensing that if he didn’t divert your attention somewhere else, this conversation would take a very gloomy turn.

“To be fair, and I’m just assuming here, it wouldn’t be easy to sustain a relationship with a damn fish,” Joshua said knowingly, making you laugh. 

“Okay, get out, you fish expert. I need to get ready,” you joked, pushing Joshua towards your door, and he nodded. 

“Be ready in about thirty minutes?” Joshua offered, and you nodded. 

~~

You were done with your shower, and as you walked out, you almost liked what you saw in the mirror. 

Almost. 

You wore the sparkly green top, paired it with black jeans, and wore your stripped Converse. You dusted a light wash of makeup on your face and some mascara on it then reached for the peach-flavoured gloss and dabbed your lips with a small amount before smiling in the mirror. 

“Ready?” You heard Joshua yelling obnoxiously outside your door, making you cringe at him. 

“You’re insufferable,” you giggled as you opened the door, laughing at him. 

Your laughter stuck in your throat when you took in Joshua’s appearance. 

“Take a picture. It’ll last longer,” Joshua giggled, making you glare at him. 

“You look good, okay,” you huffed, making Joshua smile. 

“Likewise. Shall we go? Jeonghan’s been texting me. Oh, by the way, Nia will be there,” Joshua said, his voice softening as he spoke her name. 

“Shua, I can manage. She might have just been having a bad day. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s fine. It’s all in the past,” you said, not meaning it entirely, but Joshua was right. You couldn’t live your entire life crying at every upsetting situation. 

“If she steps out of line, I’ll put her back in place, I promise,” Joshua added, and you smirked at him. 

“Kinky,” you joked before slapping a hand over your mouth, your eyes widening in shock at what you said. 

“Oh, do you want to find out?” Joshua teased, making you look down shyly. 

“Come on, Jeonghan is waiting,” you said shyly as you dragged him across the hall to flat 2B. 

You didn’t see it then, and how you wish you did because your words lit a fire of envy in Joshua, one he could not douse and one that ended up ruining the night. 

~~

The house party was going quite well, there were no silly dares and no bitchy comments, but you couldn’t place your finger on Joshua’s behaviour. The entire night, he was distant and standoffish with you. 

Hell, he was chatting with Nia for a fair bit, but you chalked it up to the fact that you were a chronic over-thinker and that Joshua didn’t necessarily mean to do what he did with the intent of hurting you. 

“I like your top, by the way,” Jeonghan said rather loudly and drunkenly, and you smiled, thanking him. 

“Oh, thank you. Actually, Joshua helped pick it out,” you answered, and you saw Joshua smile warmly at you. He was about to respond when Nia spoke before him instead. 

“Why? You can’t choose your outfits or something?” Nia mocked, earning a couple of chuckles from what you could only guess were her minions. 

“I…” you mumbled, lost. 

Joshua was about to speak, but something stopped him. That something was Jeonghan, who shot daggers at Nia, making her roll her eyes. 

“Anyways, I was promised games, and all we’ve done is drink and make small talk,” Nia complained, and Jeonghan nodded slowly. 

“Get the cards then, and we can start playing,” Jeonghan said as he turned to face you. 

“You look beautiful, don’t listen to her. She has this bitchy persona, but she’s actually nice. Just got to get past the ice-cold persona,” Jeonghan mumbled to you. 

You smiled at him before noticing how Joshua smiled at Nia and whatever she whispered. 

Didn’t he say he’d set Nia straight if she spoke out of turn? So why didn’t he? 

“Alright, we’re just playing snap but with dares and forfeits if you don’t do your dare,” Nia explained once one of her friends brought her a deck of cards to her. 

It was quite an easy game, and the night was progressing smoothly. Nia hadn’t made a single snide comment, and thankfully, your speed made you avoid some stupid dares. 

“Oh! Joshua, you lost that round. You have to complete a dare!” One of Nia’s friends squealed, making you wince. 

“Ugh, I knew it. What do I have to do?” Joshua asked, smiling. You felt your heart starting to pound in your chest. 

“Make out with Nia. I know you guys only kissed, but this time, a proper make out,” Nia’s friend suggested, making your heart fall into your stomach with her suggestion. 

Surely, he wouldn’t say yes. 

“Sure, why not?” Joshua chuckled as he turned to face Nia, who shot you a smirk before meeting to place her lips on his, earning a few wolf whistles and cheers from the others in the room as they kissed. 

They fit together. It made sense. She knew what to do. You didn’t. 

You could feel your eyes burn with tears and knew you had to leave. You couldn’t watch this. You couldn’t keep watching this. 

You got up to leave but got up so hastily that you failed to notice that your glittery top got snagged by the edge of the table. The tear was barely noticeable, but the scrape of your chair against the floor was loud and got everyone’s attention, including Nia who smirked at you. 

“See, this is why you should dress for your body, not just based on trends. I guess that the rip was the universe’s way of letting you know that the shirt needed to be let out a bit,” Nia said with a straight face, her voice devoid of emotion, but her words were laced with venom. 

The venom that you could feel was starting to move in your body and to your heart and brain, making you hate everything about your body and yourself more than usual. 

Nia’s vile comments finally made Joshua snap as he pulled away from her and stood up. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He shouted at Nia as she shrugged. 

“She looked silly in that top. Is that why you picked it up, Shua? Because you couldn’t resist, knowing how stupid she would look in that?” Nia added, smirking. Her words were slurred, so you knew not to believe her, or at least that’s what you told yourself. 

But then again, doesn’t a drunken mind speak sober thoughts?

“Y/N!” Joshua called out as you turned your back to everyone and tried to leave. 

You took a deep breath before turning to him. “I’m fine, just tired,” you mumbled before exiting the flat. 

~~

After the flat party, you returned to your room, and you stood in front of your mirror in your underwear after a shower. 

You stared hard; you could see every dent, mark, and scar on your body. 

You weren’t chubby, far from it, but you weren’t a size two. 

You had curves, which came at the cost of more stretch marks. 

You had long, wavy hair that never seemed to cooperate with you. 

Nia was right; you didn’t look good. 

You were so immersed in picking yourself apart that you failed to notice Joshua walk in and wrap his arms around your waist.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” he mumbled into your bare skin, and you could feel his toned arms under the flimsy fabric of your bra. 

“For what? She’s just telling the truth. She’s the kind of flawless I wish I could be,” you mumbled, squinting at the reflection. 

You hated what you looked like. You sighed deeply before removing Joshua’s arms around you. 

“I fucked up. I said I’d defend you, and I didn’t,” Joshua mumbled, and you sighed, sitting on your bed. 

Joshua sat down, kneeling, making you look into his big eyes shining with unshed tears. 

“Why the fuck are you the one about to cry? I’m the one that got body-shammed in front of everyone. You got the pretty girl, and you got to even kiss her!”

“I’m about to cry because I have been spouting this loyalty bullshit from day one, and when it came to you, I just let it go. And I guess it’s because you dropped my hand when I was being suggestive and ran off to find Jeonghan instead,” Joshua grumbled, and you scoffed at him. 

“That’s such a pathetic reason. I only ran off like that because, you know, I’m uncomfortable with sexual innuendos and jokes. I’ve never experienced anything, so how can I pursue a conversation further?” You questioned.

Joshua just frowned as he looked to the ground. 

“I didn’t,” you started to say and moved to kneel until you were on your knees, sitting in front of Joshua. “I didn’t run because I wanted to get cosy with Jeonghan. But I’ll say he was a better friend than you were tonight,” you finished and stood up, grabbing an oversized shirt off your chair, pulling it over your body, and moving to Joshua. 

“I was seeing red, and like a fucking dick, I said nothing. I didn’t pick that top for you because I wanted to mock you. I picked it because you looked lovely in it. It fits you like a glove,” Joshua spoke, and you scoffed at him. 

“Are you sure I didn’t look like a stuffed turkey instead?” you mocked, and Joshua shook his head. 

“I don’t know what Nia’s deal is—I don’t fucking know—but you didn’t look silly in the outfit. It’s your body; you wear what you want. You looked lovely, my angel,” Joshua smiled as he spoke, and you quirked your brows at him. 

“My angel?” you echoed, and Joshua blushed slightly. 

“I give nicknames,” he mumbled.

“Oh,” you mumbled.

“Only to the ones I love,” he replied, making your heart swoon. 

You knew you already had it wrong for Joshua, but his saying made you swoon more. You felt safe, and you knew that you were falling for him.

“I didn’t look stupid in the green top?” you asked again, and Joshua smiled, turning to face you. 

“No, you didn’t. Fuck Nia and her stupid ass opinions,” Joshua huffed, hoping it’d make you laugh, but somehow it failed. 

“Wasn’t that your aim tonight? To fuck her. I mean, I gathered that was the aim because you leapt at the chance to kiss her,” you spat at Joshua, who shrank at the accusation. 

“I just… fuck, I screwed up. I told you that I got mad, and I fucked up. I fucking did. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Joshua mumbled, and you sighed. 

“It hurt to watch that,” you voiced, and Joshua nodded. 

“Did, uh, did you want to kiss me instead?” Joshua asked, and your eyes widened. 

“Is this some sort of stupid game you play where you kiss Nia first and then come back and give me a pity kiss? Because if it is, I want nothing to do with it,” you said as you tried to get up, only to have Joshua pull you back onto his lap, glaring at you. 

“It’s not. Fuck, do you not realise that I had kissed you before, which wasn’t a fucking pity kiss? Two, I got hard for you. And now I want to kiss you because you looked amazing at that party, but you look even better in this stupid shirt that I kind of want to rip you off!” Joshua exclaimed, making your eyes widen. 

“Oh,” you said, unsure of how to respond.

Joshua rolled his eyes at you. “Yeah, oh,” he huffed, making you giggle. 

You didn’t know where you felt a surge of confidence rush into your blood, but you did, and as it did, the words tumbled out of your mouth sooner than you could stop them. 

“Then kiss me,” you whispered out. 

Okay, maybe you weren’t that confident, but you said the words, and you knew Joshua heard them because his grip around your waist tightened. 

Joshua didn’t say anything. He simply pulled you in closer until your lips met his. You ignored the taste of cherry lip gloss on his lips and instead tried to enjoy his taste, but you couldn’t. You eventually sighed into the kiss as you pulled away. 

“Did I do something?” Joshua asked, and you shook your head. 

“I just… I keep tasting Nia’s stupid cherry lip gloss on your lips, and it’s killing the mood,” you admitted, making Joshua sigh as he used his shirt to wipe his lips. 

“Try again,” he encouraged, and so you did. 

This time, you could taste him; the cherry flavour was an aftertaste, but one you could swallow because you liked him too much to care. 

As the kiss progressed, Joshua’s grip on your waist only got tighter, and you kept moving against his hips, making him groan into the kiss. He was so big and thick that you could feel yourself grow wetter each minute. 

“Wait, stop,” he mumbled against your lips, his grip still tight on your waist because he knew you’d run away the second he told you to stop. “Where does all this leave us? The slight dry-humping, the kisses?” he asked, and you smiled at him. 

You wanted to tell him you liked and wanted to date him, but you didn’t want to scare him off. So, you decided to choose an option that would only hurt you. 

But if that was the only way you could ever have Joshua, so be it.

“How about we just keep it casual?” You said, trying to sound nonchalant and unbothered, and Joshua nodded. 

“I agree,” Joshua replied, not leaving room for an explanation as his lips were back on yours instantly, making you moan into the kiss. 

Casual it is.

~~

Over the next three weeks, you learnt what casual meant. It meant still being friends with Joshua and having your usual movie nights with him. And then sometimes you’d end up on his lap, kissing him. 

A week after the casual arrangement began, you found yourself bare-chested and at the mercy of Joshua’s lips and hands running all over your breasts while you palm his hard length over his boxers. 

In the second week of understanding what casual meant, you found yourself clenching around his long fingers as they moved inside of you. You didn’t entirely realise how it happened. Still, it felt so good that you didn’t want to stop it. You were riding the wave of euphoria for as long as you could, and you couldn’t see it crashing anytime soon. You had also given your first blowjob. It was glorious watching Joshua fall apart under your touch. It was a sight you wanted to be tattooed in your brain. 

During the third week of understanding the word casual, you felt pleasure you only thought was confined to porn and smutty fanfiction, but when you two stumbled back drunkenly after a night out, you couldn’t control your hormones. 

You wanted him. 

“Joshuaie!” you slurred slightly as he helped you back to your room. 

It was a Friday night, and you had too much to drink. As a result, you ended up stumbling a bit, but you weren’t drunk, far from it. But you also had a pep to your step, one that did not help you walk. 

“Sit,” Joshua ordered as he helped you sit on your bed. 

His tone was slightly cold, and you immediately felt like he had poured cold water all over you. With one word, you sobered up immediately and let out a sniffle. 

“I’m sorry I ruined your night out. I’ll be fine. You can go back and enjoy yourself,” you mumbled as you kicked your shoes off and scurried under your covers.

Joshua sighed as he walked into your ensuite bathroom, grabbed your makeup wipes, returned to you, and sat on your bed. 

“Sit up,” he said, his tone softer this time, his kind eyes sparkling with endearment. 

“You didn’t ruin my night, none of it. Fuck, I just got annoyed. A few guys made some shitty comments about you, and I wanted to punch them,” Joshua explained as you sat up, and he moved to wipe the makeup off your face gently. 

“Oh, they probably said I looked hideous; no need to get mad at that, nothing I’m not used to,” you admitted, letting out a sad chuckle. 

“Is that what you fucking think?” Joshua asked, and you shrugged, at which he sighed, kicking off his shoes.

You shrugged. “Is it not?” 

Joshua shook his head. “Fuck, they couldn’t stop talking about all the sexual things they wanted to do to you, and I wanted to just punch them. No man should ever talk about a woman like that. It’s so stupid,” Joshua huffed out, making you smile. 

“Well, at least I was being complimented,” you sassed back, spilling out of your bed as you drunkenly stumbled into your bathroom and stepped into your shower, the alcohol making you forget Joshua’s presence in the room.

Thankfully, you always kept an oversized shirt in the bathroom, which you changed into before stepping out of the shower and walking back into the room. 

“The things those guys were saying weren’t complimentary. They were sexist and disgusting hell. If it were me…” Joshua trailed off when you joined him on your bed. 

“What would you say, huh?” you asked, and Joshua smiled as he inched closer to you. 

“I’d do more than speak,” he answered. 

The atmosphere in the room suddenly changed; it was now filled with want and desire, and you decided to bask in the glory and be bolder. 

“Show me then,” you mumbled. 

“You’ve been drinking,” Joshua mumbled, and you shrugged. 

“Your point? I’m buzzed, but I can consent. I can count to ten backwards if you want,” you joked.

Joshua smiled as he stood up, making you stand up with him. He pulled the curtains over your window so that the only thing illuminating the room was your table light. Joshua moved to pull the leather jacket off his body and tossed it on your desk before pulling you into a soft kiss. 

“God, I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you tonight,” he admitted, making you smile. “Can I take this off?” he asked, and you hesitated for a second, then nodded. 

“Just know that… I don’t look like a model underneath,” you mumbled suddenly. Even though Joshua had been intimate with you before, you still felt insecure every time. 

“I’m glad you don’t. You’re beautiful. So fucking beautiful,” Joshua praised you as he pulled the fabric off your body, leaving you naked. 

He walked you backwards until the backs of your knees touched his bed. He gently pushed you down, and you moved back on the bed as he crawled between your legs. He placed his lips on yours. You moaned into the kiss, and Joshua slipped his tongue into your mouth, deepening it. He pulled away gently just to look at you.

“Can I touch you?” Joshua asked, and you nodded slowly. 

He smiled as he placed his lips on yours again, kissing you again, and then moved his mouth to your breasts.

“Fucking hell, these tits. You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to suck and bite them.” 

You moaned as he squeezed your breasts, his fingertips rubbing your nipples. 

“Each time you were in a low-cut top, I wanted nothing more than to bring you into a room and take your tits in my mouth.” 

You squeezed your thighs as Joshua’s words did nothing but torment your aching cunt. 

He moved a hand down your body. “You’re so fucking gorgeous,” he said as he moved to lay down between your legs. 

He pushed your legs apart, and his tongue found your cunt. He placed several kisses on your cunt, each kiss making you buck into his mouth. He wrapped an arm around your waist.

“Easy, princess, I’m going to take good care of you.” You nodded as he ran his tongue along your folds, moaning as he tasted you. He circled his tongue around your entrance as he pushed his long and thick tongue inside you. 

“Fuck, Joshua,” you cried out, tugging on his hair. 

He growled into your cunt when you tugged on his hair, the vibrations making you shake. He pulled his mouth away from you and pushed two fingers inside you. He stood on his knees and stared at you directly as he hooked his fingers inside you, his other hand pressing down on your stomach.

“Hold still, princess; I will make you scream my name.” 

You nodded, and Joshua started moving his hand up and down vigorously. You could hear just how wet you were getting. 

“Come on, princess, I can hear how fucking wet you are. Wouldn’t it be nice if you just squirted all over my hand?” 

You arched your back as Joshua kept fingering you. 

“Pretty girl, I can hear you squirt for me. I can make you squirt again, don’t worry.” 

You kept whimpering until something inside you snapped, and you felt your vision fade as you came hard. You felt yourself squirt all over Joshua’s fingers. He pulled his fingers out of you and sucked on them. 

“God, you’re so fucking sweet,” Joshua moaned, praising you. You felt a bolt of confidence surge as you got onto your knees. “You don’t have to?” he assured, but you shook your head at him.

“I want to. Will you let me?” 

You reached forward and wrapped your mouth around his length. Well, as much as you could, your hands made up for what your mouth couldn’t. You ran your tongue along his length until you fixated your mouth around his tip. You kept sucking his tip, and your hands reached down to play with his balls. Joshua bucked in your mouth as you kept sucking his tip. 

“Fucking hell.” 

You smirked. Catching Joshua off guard was the only way to get him to submit to you. 

“Fuck, baby, if you keep doing that, I’m going to cum!” 

You kept bobbing your head up and down his length until you felt him still in your mouth and felt his warmth release down your throat. You pulled away, slowly swallowing his release and giving his sensitive tip a final lick. 

“Fuck, get over here,” Joshua moaned as he pulled you into his arms for a sweet kiss. 

You giggled into his chest as he cuddled you, making him nudge you. “What’s on your mind?” 

“You’re perfect,” you said. No mumbling, nothing. You said it confidently. 

“No one’s perfect,” Joshua countered, “plus, you’re only saying that because of the amazing orgasm I just gave you,” Joshua joked, making you groan and sit up. 

“No, you are! You’re so fucking perfect, just you are. I’ll explain someday; right now, it’s fuzzy, but you’re the closest thing to perfection,” you mumbled as you laid back down and curled into Joshua’s embrace. 

“Fuck, I’m going to miss you over winter break,” Joshua spoke, and you nodded. 

“Only three weeks, nothing’s going to change. I’ll still be here,” you said, touching his lips and making him smile into the kiss. 

~~

 The thing about bold statements is that they often come with uncertainty and pain should things not pan out the way you want. Which is precisely what happened to you. 

You said in three weeks nothing would change, but you were wrong because you told yourself that when you were high off the orgasms and falling in love with Joshua, your love only grew stronger every second. 

“Y/N!” Joshua exclaimed when he found you at the café. You were waiting patiently for him. It was the first week back from winter break, and Joshua finally texted to meet up. 

You agreed. You also decided that you wanted to confess to him, to tell him you liked him. 

“Joshua!” You greeted cheerfully as the tall boy hugged you tightly. 

How do you get more handsome every day? 

It was true; Joshua was getting increasingly handsome each day, and you weren’t entirely sure if it was good for your heart. 

“So, what’s up?” he asked once you two sat down in a booth, and he smiled, noticing you ordered his favourite drink for him. 

“Uh, winter break was good. I spent time with family, and uh, Joshua, I have to tell you something,” you started, and he nodded. 

“Me too!” Joshua exclaimed, and you smiled, thinking that maybe you and him were on the same page. Perhaps he liked you the way you liked him. 

“Really?” you asked. “Okay, you first,” you said, and Joshua grinned. 

As he was about to speak, a pair of long, slender arms wrapped around his chest, and a kiss was placed on his cheek. 

You felt your heart shatter into a million pieces – all stabbing you at the same time. 

“Baby, I missed you!” 

You looked to see Nia slide into the booth next to Joshua, making you feel nauseous. You felt like a fucking fool. 

Why would Joshua ever reciprocate what you felt for him? Why would he ever want you when he had a girl like Nia?

“Babe, you’re early. I haven’t told her yet,” Joshua mumbled, apologetic as he awkwardly smiled at you. Nia shrugged. 

“You two are dating?” you asked, and Joshua nodded. 

“We met when I went back home, Nia’s from the same town, and we hung out, and you know, over the last three weeks, she made me the happiest I’ve ever been,” Joshua said, and you could feel your eyes starting to sting with tears. 

“Wait, baby, they just called my order. Be right back,” Nia said, kissing Joshua’s cheek as she waltzed away. 

“I know you’re not her biggest fan, but I promise she’s kind, loving and sweet when you dig past the cold persona. I wanted to tell you, but I also didn’t know how. We weren’t really together or anything, you know?” Joshua mumbled, and that did it for you. 

He never even saw what you two shared as unique. You were nothing to him. 

“Does she make you happy?” You asked, and Joshua nodded, smiling. 

“Then I hope she knows that her side gets her the most amazing man, but if she hurts you,” you started to say, and Joshua shook his head. 

“She won’t!” he said excitedly, and you nodded, knowing that your ‘I’ll hurt her if she hurts you’ speech would be wasted on him.

“Then, go be happy, Joshua, that’s all I want,” you said as you gathered your things. You had to leave this café. You’d fall apart if you stayed any longer. 

“Wait, you said you have something to tell me?” Joshua asked, and you shook your head. 

“I got to go. Another time.” 

You rushed, hurrying out of the café and back to your dorm room, where you cried into your pillow. You cried until you couldn’t cry anymore, then you cried some more. You cried until you couldn’t feel anymore. You cried yourself to sleep, knowing that the boy you loved was never going to be yours. 

You would have to see them, Joshua and Nia. You’d have to see her with him, and it’d hurt because she had everything you had to live without. 

~~

Joshua tried to balance, but he was failing. He would flake on meetings with you and study sessions or hangouts, which started getting on your nerves. You brought it up to him one night during a movie night. 

“Stop making plans if you keep flaking,” you mumbled, and you saw Joshua glare at you. 

“It’s not out of malice. Forget it; you won’t get it,” Joshua dismissed.

“Why wouldn’t I get it?” You asked, and he sighed. 

“You’re not dating anyone. You’ve never been in a relationship either, so I guess you wouldn’t get it,” he mumbled, and you scoffed at him. 

“I don’t have to be doing either of those things to call you out on being a shit friend,” you retorted, making Joshua scoff. 

“You only just made friends, so please don’t act like you have any authority on what friends are meant to do either,” Joshua fired back, making your eyes well up with tears. 

“That’s so mean,” you choked out. 

Joshua groaned. “Oh, for the love of God, I can’t be at your beck and call! I have a life! I’m sorry you don’t, but I do! Why don’t you go out to make some friends? I won’t be able to be there for you all the time, not when someone needs me more, and she’s a priority,” Joshua said. 

His words felt like daggers, slicing you open, drawing blood, but all you felt were tears stinging your eyes. 

“I’m going. You’re right, I should make more friends. Also, I never asked to be a priority, Joshua, but I didn’t expect you to make me an afterthought… But I get it now, you don’t need me,” you explained, tears running down your face as you hurriedly grabbed your bag and stormed out of his room and back to yours. 

He didn’t come after you this time when he made you cry. This time, you were alone. 

And this time, you knew he was not yours. Not anymore. 

~~~

Three Months Later 

You weren’t entirely sure what you were doing at this party; none of the people here were your friends, but you decided to go out because another girl from your dorm, Mai, invited you out. You chose to go since Joshua painfully pointed out how few friends you had and that you should go out and make some. 

You weren’t entirely sure these were the types of friends you wanted to make. You weren’t judging them, but they were just different. They were more outgoing, the type to get wasted and hook up with each other. You judged none of it, but it just wasn’t you. 

“Yo, Y/N, have a shot of this,” Mai said, rushing over to you and handing you a shot glass of clear liquid. “It’ll loosen you up a bit. You’re so wound up,” she moaned, and you sighed, taking a shot of the drink. 

It burnt your throat, but it couldn’t compare to the pain you felt every time you thought of Joshua. 

“Good, have another,” Mai said, handing you another shot, and you did the same thing, downing the clear liquid, shot after shot, until you were four shots in, your mind hazy, and you stopped thinking. 

Instead, you soon found yourself on the dance floor, grinding against some guy. You forgot his name but didn’t care, not when his kisses distracted you from Joshua. And certainly not later when you were back in your room that night, he was down on his knees trying his best to please you. 

“Babe, if you don’t want to, we don’t have to,” he spoke, and you looked at him, his chin wet with your arousal. 

“Kyung,” you drawled; his name finally popped into your mind. “I do. I just don’t have protection,” you mumbled. 

“Oh, is that it? I do,” Kyung said, fishing out a condom from his back pocket, making you smile in amusement. 

You weren’t going to lose your virginity to Joshua. He made it clear that he didn’t see you as someone he’d prioritise, plus he had a girlfriend. 

“Just go slow,” you told Kyung as you pulled your dress off. 

You didn’t care what you looked like anymore. You didn’t. If Kyung could make you feel wanted, you’d do anything to feel that. 

You wanted to know what it felt like to be desired, even if Joshua wasn’t the one to do it. 

~~

You woke up to Kyung gently snoring next to you until you nudged him awake the following day. 

“Hey, oh, are you okay? Any pain, any regrets?” Kyung asked sweetly, and you shook your head. 

“No… Thanks for last night,” you mumbled, and Kyung smiled as he slowly got out of bed. 

“Look, I would stay, but I also don’t think your head is in it because you can tell when someone doesn’t like you, but don’t worry! I’m not mad,” Kyung explained. 

“Kyung, I’m sorry,” you mumbled as he got dressed and shook his head. “It was a hookup, no hard feelings, right?” you asked, and Kyung nodded, smiling at you. 

“Chill, we’re good. But you know, if you ever see me around and you want to repeat what happened last night, I wouldn’t be opposed to it. But if you never want to acknowledge me again, that’s also okay,” Kyung explained, making you smile. 

“I’ll at least say hello,” you joked, making Kyung laugh. 

“See you around, Y/N,” Kyung said as he left your room. You sat in bed and slowly got out later to shower, your legs aching with a good ache. 

It felt nice last night to feel wanted. You felt utterly rejected by Joshua, and you wanted to feel needed, and if doing things like you did last night made you feel the slightest bit wanted, then you’d do it over and over again. 

So, you did. 

You continued it. Going out, getting drunk, hooking up with someone random, and each time, you felt more complete seeing how they drooled when they saw you naked. You enjoyed every moment.

Each hookup was your attempt at filling the Joshua-sized hole in your heart, and though it wasn’t entirely practical, it was enough. It was enough to numb your pain. 

You continued this pattern for so long that you lost track, lost track of how many people you slept with. You just were chasing something permanent in something fleeting. 

~~

You hadn’t spoken to Joshua in two years.

Well, here and there, awkward hellos, but he’d become a ghost to you since he started dating Nia. You pulled away too because you couldn’t be around him, not when you felt your heart break a little more every time you saw him. 

You hadn’t spoken to Joshua in so long, until today, in the final term of your last year of university. You had just returned to the dorms and were unpacking your things after going home for the winter break when you heard a knock on your door.

“Come in, it’s open,” you called out, and your eyes widened when they landed on Joshua’s scowling figure. “Well, hello to you too,” you huffed out. 

You had gained more confidence in the two years but felt every bit of it ebb away when you saw Joshua again. Because when you saw him, you were always the broken-hearted girl who cried over the fact that she could never have him. 

“What the hell are you doing with your life?” He asked, making you stare at him in confusion. 

“Excuse me?” 

“Don’t act stupid with me. What are you doing, hooking up with someone new almost every week? Do you know that this gossip followed me back home?” Joshua accused you, making you scoff. 

“Why do you care? You already made it painfully clear that I was not a priority anymore, so why do you care what I’m doing?” you demanded, and Joshua scoffed. 

“Well, if everyone I know is starting to call you a slut, then I care,” Joshua fired back, making you scoff again. 

“Do you think that?” you asked, and Joshua sighed. 

“If the shoe fits,” he mumbled, and you rolled your eyes at him. 

“That day in the café, I wanted to tell you I liked you,” you started to say as you unpacked your belongings. “I started falling for you, Joshua. The minute you made me feel seen, kissed me, and the three weeks we spent fooling around, I fell more and more. I thought you felt the same,” you said, pausing to breathe. 

“But you didn’t, and I had a Joshua-shaped hole in my heart,” you finished, and Joshua stared at you with wide eyes. 

“All that to say, I make no apologies for how I choose to fix that hole in my heart, and I make no apologies for how I choose to fix what you broke,” you responded. 

“Did you just quote Meredith Grey to me?” Joshua asked, making you roll your eyes at him. 

“Shut up, she had great lines,” you bit back. 

“I’m just saying you’re getting a reputation, and you know people won’t respect you as much,” Joshua babbled, making you scoff at him. 

“I couldn’t give less of a fuck. I’m trying to forget you,” you lied as tears started to pool in your eyes. “I don’t care about the respect of hundreds of people who don’t know me, but I do care about the respect you have for me,” you asked.

Joshua stayed silent, feet planted on the ground. 

“I’ve gotten my answer, thank you,” you replied, and Joshua sighed. 

“You keep this up. You’ll lose everyone,” Joshua retorted, making you roll your eyes at him. 

“I only ever had you, and I lost you the day you started dating Nia, so I think I’m good,” you said, swallowing the lump in your throat. 

“Fine, be that fucking way,” Joshua scowled as he stormed out of your room, slamming the door on his way out, making the hole in your heart grow with every step he took.

~~

“Y/N!” 

You left bed one night when you heard someone yell your name. Startled, you ran to the front door, confused when you saw Jeonghan. 

“Joshua’s in my room, and he’s crying. He needs you,” Jeonghan huffed, and you rolled your eyes at him. 

“No, he doesn’t, he hasn’t for so long. Tell him to go run to Nia,” you spat out, and Jeonghan sighed, running his hand through his blond hair. It was tousled and messy. You guessed that he had just gotten out of bed. 

“Nia is the reason he’s crying, so I can assure you, he does not need her,” Jeonghan deadpanned, making your heart sink. Joshua and Nia had problems? 

“Just go to him, preferably before he drenches my bedsheets with his tears,” Jeonghan rushed, and you sighed, following him across the hall to Jeonghan’s room, where you saw the man you were deeply in love with curled into a ball crying. 

“Joshua?” you said softly, and you only heard a whimper from him in response. 

“Go, I’ll be in the kitchen,” Jeonghan said, pushing you into the room, and you cautiously approached the crying man. 

“She cheated,” Joshua blubbered out, and your heart sank. 

You could only see red. How could she? She had your entire world in her hands and crushed it in one thoughtless moment. 

“I’m going to fucking kill her,” you spat out, and Joshua shook his head. 

“No, just hold me. I don’t want ever to hear her name again,” Joshua begged, and you sighed, giving in to let Joshua cuddle you. 

“I deserved this. I said such shitty things to you. No wonder I’m in this predicament now,” Joshua sighed, and you rolled your eyes. 

“Shut up. You said shitty things. It doesn’t mean you deserved this; no one does; I’m so sorry,” you said, hugging him tighter, earning a soft sigh from him. 

“Y/N, I haven’t been a good friend at all, and I’m going to be one of those douchebags who’s going to ask you to be there for me now because I need you, but I promise this time I won’t hurt you, not again,” Joshua admitted sitting up slightly wiping his eyes. 

“I…” you hesitated and sighed when you saw hurt flash across his handsome features. “Of course I will,” you said, making Joshua smile. 

Of course, you would because you held onto hope. Not that you ever wanted Joshua to get hurt, but he could finally be yours after the hurt passed. 

~~

Joshua was true to his word. Things went back to how they were, you two being the best of buds, no benefits, but still, he was your friend, warming your heart up. This time, it would be fine. 

“You look nice,” Joshua commented as he walked into your room, his hands automatically moving to adjust the zipper you were fiddling with. “There, all done,” he beamed at you. “You look beautiful,” Joshua commented again as he took in your emerald, green floor-length cocktail gown. 

You had just finished getting ready for the final year gala. You smiled at Joshua, and your eyes widened as you took in his appearance. 

“You look just as handsome. Any girl would be lucky to have you,” you suggested, biting your lip when you saw how his expression fell. 

“Let’s not mention that, please?” he asked. 

“She who shall not be named?” you offered with a smile, and Joshua nodded. 

“Yeah, she who shall not be named.” He smiled as you two walked out to your room and the ballroom. 

“Shall we, our final gala as soon-to-be university grads?” Joshua asked, holding his arm to you, and you smiled at him. 

~~

You and Joshua enjoyed the gala. For the most part, there was no drama, just a few odd questions about if you and Joshua were dating, but he quickly shot them down. By the night’s end, you were tipsy enough to spill the words brewing on your tongue for the entire night. 

You still loved him, and tonight, you’d tell him uninterrupted. 

~~

“Okay, what was so important that you needed to drag my ass out here and watch yourself! You’re going to fall over!” Joshua giggled as he wrapped his arm around your waist, making you smile shyly at him. 

This was it; this was the moment you’d tell him everything you felt for him. You’d say to him right here that you loved him. 

“Okay, sit,” you declared to Joshua, who only chuckled and then groaned when you pushed him down onto the icy-cold brick walls that adorned your campus. The décor of your campus made it look like a castle, and at this moment, you felt like you were maybe just in a fairytale. 

Joshua was the prince, and you were the wide-eyed princess about to confess to him. 

“Okay, now shut up and listen,” you giggled, making Joshua laugh. 

“I’ve legit said nothing. The floor is all yours, my love,” Joshua smiled as he spoke, and you melted. That smile would be the death of you. That’s all you knew. 

“So, this year, I felt we became so close. I mean, you were my first friend here, hell, you were probably my first friend here, and I know the last two weeks with your breakup, it wasn’t exactly kind on you. However, you could keep a straight face and smile through whatever pain you tried to hide. Inspired me,” you admitted. You saw Joshua’s smile, and you flashed him a smile before you continued to ramble. 

“I also remember, the night after that awful party, I told you to come and help me out, and you did, and I remember just drunkenly mumbling apologies to you. I think that was the first time I expressed my gratitude for you. You’ve made me a better person, Joshua,” you professed, struggling to look him in the eyes as you poured your heart out.

“I’m not going to lie. Because of the alcohol, I can’t. Honestly, thanks to the alcohol, I can’t remember much of what I said, but I remember you smiling and saying thank you, so I guess I must have said something right!” You drunkenly continued your monologue, making Joshua nod at you. 

“Now,” you said slowly as you stumbled to sit down next to him. 

“I’m going to bring this up quick. The way you shut down when you and Nia broke up. It broke me. I hate the fucking fact that she failed to see how wonderful of a man she lost, but that’s her loss, not yours; I hated that you doubted yourself so much,” you babbled as you placed your hand on his, which made him look up at you. 

“That being said, you inspired me even in your darkest hours. You were able to finally pull yourself out of that shitty headspace, evaluate it, and then reason. It’s something that I admire in you a lot and a trait I wish I also possessed. When I visited you the night, you found out about Nia’s unfaithfulness. I saw it was a different side to you. I no longer saw you as Joshua, the guy who always kept a straight face and never expressed emotions other than happiness and anger,” you explained, pausing to breathe. 

“I saw a guy who was hurt, vulnerable, sensitive, but a guy who was honestly just emotionally drained. That night, I guess, would be the pivotal moment of our friendship because I saw you not only being happy and cheery but also having a different and more sensitive side of yourself,” you smiled as the words tumbled. 

“Y/N, you’re going to make me cry if you continue,” Joshua mumbled, and you knew he wasn’t lying, especially with the way his voice was thick with emotion. You shrugged as you moved to sit down next to him. 

“Okay, turn, face me,” you slurred slightly, making Joshua laugh at you as he turned to face you. 

“How can I help you?” Joshua asked, and you grinned at him. 

“Well, now it’s Joshua appreciation time!” you yelled in his face, making him laugh as he slightly cringed at the volume of your voice before nodding, allowing you to speak. 

“Well, first, I’m jealous of you!” You exclaimed, making Joshua look at you funnily, “why?” Joshua asked, his voice small. 

“You make everything so effortless, good grades, good friends. I know you put effort into everything you do, but you make it look so easy. I’m jealous of that,” you admitted, making Joshua blush as he smiled at the ground. 

“Now, you remember how I said if I could use one word to describe you, it’d be perfect, well I still maintain that and let me break it down for you because I know you’re going to give me the bullshit that no one’s perfect, but listen up Hannah Montana, you are!” You declared, making Joshua laugh. 

“Look, you’re a fantastic friend. Wait for not a perfect friend. You are excellent at giving advice. You are also extremely trustworthy! If I’m ever questioning or hesitant about anything, I can always count on you to give me the correct answer!” You rambled, pausing to take a breath before continuing.

“Jokes apart, speaking presently, I know this month hasn’t been too kind on you! I won’t dwell on the girl who shall not be named. I know how she broke you into two. Still, I hope you know that you fucking deserve better than her. She lost a good thing, and that’s on her to regret for the rest of her life, not you. You’re going to meet the perfect girl because you’re the perfect guy,” you breathed out, smiling at Joshua, who was now smiling softly at you. 

“I know that sometimes you feel that it’s safer not to show your emotions, but as I said, you’re human. You’re entitled to feel and have every right to express them. I know you might find it much easier to ignore them and not deal with them, but sometimes, it’s not too bad to deal with them. All I want to say is that Joshua, if you ever need anything, a hug, a chocolate bar or a lame joke to cheer you up! Then I’m here! You’re one of my closest friends, and I never want to see you upset!” You exclaimed, pausing to take another breath. 

“I love you, Joshua, and before I sort of end this obnoxiously long confession, I want to say that I know you felt that sometimes you weren’t good enough. I want to remind you that you are! You’re good enough, better, and stronger than you give yourself credit for! Thank you for letting me be part of your life,” you exhaled, taking a breath before continuing. 

“So all that being said, I guess I’m trying to say something else too,” you mumbled suddenly, feeling your confidence drain out of your body, and Joshua nodded to you.

“What would that be?” Joshua asked, placing his hand on yours. You smiled at him as you decided to leap of faith and inch closer to him. 

“I…” you gulped before moving closer. You decided kissing him would be easier than telling him you were head over heels in love with him. 

You were about to place your lips on his when you heard her voice, 

“Shua, what did you want to talk to me about?” Nia called out, and you looked at Joshua with hurt and betrayal filling your chest. 

You got up and stumbled as you tried to move as far away as possible from him. 

You could bear your soul to him. You could tell him that you’d take a bullet for him, and you’d still never be enough for him. You’d never be the girl for him. You’d never be her. 

“Y/N, stop!” Joshua yelled out, and you shook your head at him. 

“No, nothing; I just wanted to tell you you were great. I need to, uh, go. You go get your girl,” you mumbled, your voice betraying you as it cracked, and you could feel hot tears start to run down your face. 

You tripped as you tried to run back to the dorms. You were never going to be the one for him. 

You weren’t her.

~~

You’d never be her. That’s all you knew as you cried yourself to sleep tonight, 

Joshua didn’t come to check in on you either that night, but you knew where he was. Balls deep in Nia, or so you could only guess from the moans you could hear across the halls. He was back with her.

You cried yourself to sleep that night, like most nights, but tonight, you’d stay away from him; he was not yours, and his heart would never be yours. 

You barely spoke to Joshua after that night of the final gala. You found out later that he had gotten back together with Nia that night, and so you decided that you’d forget it. Forget him, and heal. 

Divider: Five Years Later

Over the years, you thought you had healed, and you wouldn’t think about him every second, and you thought you were fine until your high school reunion. 

~~

“Joshua, you’re strong now,” you moaned as Joshua carried you into your hotel room. 

Frankly, you weren’t sure how you got here. You had shown up for a university reunion, and you and Joshua picked up from where you left off. It was as if nothing had ever changed. 

However, seven drinks in, Joshua started getting flirtier, and you reciprocated his every advance until you were in this exact position, his arms around your waist, waiting to fuck you. You hoped he wouldn’t pinch you at this moment because if it were a dream, you didn’t want to wake up. 

“You know what I want to do?” He whispered hotly in your ear, making you shiver in his embrace. “I’m going to finger you, lick you and fuck you till you’re trembling and begging to cum, and even then, I won’t let you cum. I’ll cum inside you and leave you tied to this bed. Your clit throbbing and you’ll be begging for me to let you cum, but I’ll leave you here filled with my cum.”

You whimpered at his words; your pussy ached for his touch. You nodded meekly at him. 

Joshua slowly undressed you. He hissed when he saw your swollen pussy lips. He moaned at the scent of your arousal and traced a finger from your clit to your entrance. Gathering the arousal he collected from that simple touch, he put his finger in his mouth and sucked and moaned in approval. 

“You taste so good for me, pretty girl.” 

He stood up and slid off his clothes, his tanned and toned body, his hard cock long and thick. He climbed back onto the bed and hovered over you. 

He placed his hands on your chest, massaging your breasts, making you moan. You didn’t wear a bra, so he felt your nipples harden and groaned in approval. 

He slid your top up, exposed your breasts, took one nipple in his mouth and began to suck gently. He then picked up his pace and started to bite and tug at your hardened nipples. 

You tried so hard to keep your mouth shut, but his mouth felt so good. You let out a soft moan. This didn’t go undetected by him. He slapped your now exposed clit. Your hips thrust up in response. 

His mouth left your chest, and he moved his mouth to your dripping cunt. He started kissing your inner thighs, darting his tongue out and licking every part of you except your aching cunt. 

You tried to move in an attempt to get his mouth onto your pussy. He slapped your clit again, except this time, he followed it up by inserting his long finger inside your pussy. You tried to suppress a moan, but it was too much, and you needed him to fuck you senseless. 

“Baby girl, I see that you just don’t want to listen,” he said as he inserted another digit. He curled his fingers upright against your g-spot and started moving his wrist up and down. “So make all the noise you want, but you cannot cum.” 

He continued his relentless pace and assault on your pussy. He leaned his head down and finally put his tongue on your clit, and you thought you were going to cum right then and there. 

His tongue flicked at your clit, before he enclosed his mouth on it, and you lost it. You couldn’t control it, and you came undone on his tongue and fingers. Joshua growled at your release but didn’t ease up on his movements and kept sucking at your now over-sensitive clit.

He removed his mouth from your pussy, but he didn’t ease up with his fingers. He added a third digit and fucked you until you squirted onto his hands. It wasn’t long before the overstimulation turned into pleasure, and you found yourself cumming on his tongue. 

You didn’t know how he could make you come undone so quickly and easily. You were shaking and trembling, tears of pleasure rolling down your face. 

You couldn’t even coherently mumble out a word or move. You felt so good, and your pussy was still throbbing, and yet you ached for more. 

Without letting you get more than a minute to recover, Joshua pushed his length inside you. He let out a growl and proceeded to fuck you, setting a relentless pace. He fucked you hard and fast, his thick cock hitting the right spots each time. He pulled out of you, and you moaned at the loss of contact.

He pushed himself into your dripping and aching pussy. At this point, he was just chasing his release. You finally used your arms to hold onto his broad shoulders as he fucked you into the sheets, your legs wrapped around his waist, allowing him to go deeper. 

He was close. You could tell by the way his thrusts got more uneven. To tease him further, you clenched your pussy around his cock. 

Oh, he was pissed. 

“Baby girl, is that hard for you to listen?” His hand went to your neck, gently choking you, and he continued fucking you. The breath play only made you reach your high again, and he wasn’t far off either.

He came inside your pussy and stayed still for a little bit. Then pulled out gently, not letting his cum spill out. He moved his body down yours until his mouth reached yours again and stuck his tongue into your cunt and lapped at it until you came again, and he cleaned his cum out from you. 

Swallowing, he moved up and pulled you into his arms, and you both lay on the bed. 

“How are you, baby? I hope it wasn’t too much for you.”

“Was so good.” You were still basking in the afterglow of your session. 

~~

You woke up later that night feeling rather hungry. 

Sex does that, you assumed. You noticed Joshua was awake and scrolling through his phone. 

“Hey, do you want to grab a bite or something? I’m starving,” you asked, and Joshua sighed, taking a sip of the water you left by the bedside. 

“This was a hookup, Y/N; please don’t read into it,” Joshua answered bluntly, and you stood up and walked to find his clothes and threw them at him. 

“It was a fucking question, Joshua!” you yelled. 

“I know not to hope with you anymore, but I can’t help if my heart doesn’t want to listen. But tonight, you showed me that you’re done, so I want you out,” you snarled, and Joshua nodded, getting dressed quickly and walking out of your door and crushing your heart again. 

~~

But that night was long gone, and so was he. 

~~

You noticed a heavily decorated envelope sitting on your desk later that evening. You must have collected the mail and not bothered sorting through it. You opened the envelope and held your breath when you saw an invite to Joshua’s wedding. 

Joshua weds Yuri the card read, and for once, you felt pain, but unlike the past, it felt dull. It didn’t feel like you were being stabbed in the heart. 

You RSVPed as soon as possible. You wanted to go. 

So, you did. You watched the ceremony, and the happy couple exchanged their vows, and you approached Joshua to talk outside after the reception. 

“I need to talk to you. I didn’t invite you to hurt you. I invited you because you’re a friend,” he started to say, and you nodded. 

“Then, as a friend, I need you to listen to me one last time,” you pleaded. 

Joshua nodded as he sat down on the bench outside the castle, his actions reminiscent of the time you confessed to him, but this time, it’d be different because you were different. Everything was different now. 

“Look, thank you for being so brave throughout the wedding. I know it couldn’t have been easy,” Joshua started to say.

You had to take a deep breath to not scoff at his words. Did he still think you were in love with him after all these years?

Truthfully, you will always love him. He was your first love. How could you ever forget him? How could you forget the nights when he’d pleasure you and look at you like you were the only one in the world? But more importantly, how could you forget the nights when he held you while you cried, wiped away every tear and kissed away every insecurity? How could you forget the boy who made you feel beautiful for the first time? 

But most importantly, how could you ever be the boy who kept breaking your heart repeatedly, and yet you kept forgiving him because you hoped that one day he’d wake up and realise that he loved you too? 

But it was too late for all of that. 

You were standing at his wedding, well outside the chapel, and you watched the entire night as Joshua exchanged his vows with someone who was not you. Your eyes moved to his left hand and zeroed in on the gold band that adorned his long finger, his ring finger. The finger that he’d always leave empty when he wore jewellery because he said he was saving it for someone special, and tonight, he finally found that someone special. 

You could never forget Joshua. But it had been ten years, and now you could look at him with a mixture of feelings, hurt, regret, and a multitude of negative emotions. But tonight, what consumed you wasn’t all bad. You also felt free. 

Tonight, Joshua gave his word to be with Yuri for the rest of his life and vowed never to leave her, and all while doing that, you felt the shackles of being bound to him loosening. 

“I was about to confess to you after graduation seven years ago. I wanted to tell you that I loved you. Not that I think I needed to, I was babbling away how perfect you were, but then she came, and I felt like no matter what I did, there would never be a right time to tell you I love you,” you sighed, smiling at him. 

“Over the years, I took it as a sign from the universe; maybe it protected me because the universe knew you’d never love me back, not how I did. After that hookup at the hotel, I said we should grab a bite. The first thing you said to me was that I shouldn’t mistake a hookup for feelings and that Joshua was when I realised that there would be no universe where you’d be mine,” you explained, making Joshua’s expression harden. 

“This is my wedding night; I do not need to hear you say something shitty to me on what is the happiest day of my life,” he started to say, raising his voice, and you sighed, sitting down next to him. 

“Let me finish,” you said, and Joshua pouted before nodding. “I’m not blaming you, Joshua. Yes, did we do stupid things that made me overthink and convince myself I had a chance, even if it was a glimmer of hope? Sure. But, all you ever were to me was a friend; you were my best friend, and you carried out your duties as a friend,” you explained, placing a hand on his, making him look at you. 

“I fell in love with you, Joshua, but that’s not on you. I fell for the tall, gangly boy I met when I was 18, putting you on a pedestal and myself on the back burner. But tonight… Watching you getting married and exchanging your vows didn’t hurt the way I expected it to. It felt liberating,” you continued, making Joshua sigh as he withdrew his hand from you. 

“We grew apart a lot, and it helped. It helped me think of you less, and over time, I guess I stopped being in love with you. And tonight, something clicked,” you said, turning to Joshua, who had an unreadable expression. 

“What was that?” Joshua asked. 

“I fell out of love with you, Joshua. I’ll always care for you, and hell, I’ll always love you, but Joshua, I’m no longer in love with you,” you admitted. 

It was true. 

Ten years ago, you tied an invisible string and pulled Joshua into your heart, where he stayed for ten years. He broke your heart so many times. Still, you kept him in there, holding onto hope. But tonight, when he said, “I do”, you felt that string lose its strength, inevitably weighed down and frayed over the last ten years, and tonight, it didn’t snap. It just—like your love—let go. 

You let go of Joshua, and in turn, you set yourself free. Free from the ‘what ifs’, the nights where you’d cry into your pillow, wishing you were in his arms at night, but you weren’t awake. You laid awake at night thinking of him for so many years, and you felt like you could finally let go tonight. 

“You will always have a special place in my heart, but how I loved you was dangerous and harmful. I put you above everyone and myself. I lost myself loving you, and I lost myself trying to be the girl you could love. But over the years and growing up, I realised that sometimes, it’s just not meant to be. And fuck, ten years ago, or even five years ago, that sentiment, the meant-to-be bullshit, would fuck me off, but tonight, I get it,” you explained, feeling tears of relief pool in your eyes. 

“I loved you deeply and immensely, but it didn’t work out, and that’s fine because I learned one thing, I’m capable of loving, and one day, I know I’ll get that love back, the kind of love I had for you, undying and unyielding,” you finished off looking at Joshua who smiled sadly at you. 

“When did you grow up so much?” Joshua chuckled, his voice thick with emotion. 

You smiled at him and shrugged.

“Time heals everything, Joshua. I want the best for you. I do. I want you to have the most amazing married life. Never break her heart. Never go to bed mad at each other. Always tell each other you love each other,” you babbled until you felt a tug on your hand, making you look at Joshua. 

“I couldn’t force myself to love you the way you loved me, and I won’t say I’m sorry for that, but I’m sorry for hurting you, seeking comfort in you for my selfish needs. You’re so special to me. You were my first friend in university; we have a history, and I want us to maintain that friendship. I want us to grow old as friends and laugh about this memory while we bitch about how annoying our spouses can be,” Joshua said, making you laugh. 

It was an honest laugh. It wasn’t forced. It was real. You were healing. 

“I’ll take you up on that, but tonight, I’m setting myself free, and you, Joshua, congratulations,” you said, standing up and holding out your arms for a hug. 

Joshua smiled softly at you as he pulled you into a hug, and you felt like your broken parts were being squished tightly together and being fixed, but you didn’t need to be fixed. 

You just needed to heal. 

~~

You kicked off your heels as you entered your apartment later that night, smiling. You didn’t feel broken or upset; you felt free.

Your eyes zeroed in on the notice board in your living room, where you had put up pictures of special people in your life. 

You looked at the one you had of Joshua. You took it one night, probably in your first year of university when you started falling in love with him. But it was just him. All the other photos you had with your friends were selfies of you and your friend. Only Joshua was solo, in a way; you kept it that way for so long because, for so long, you held on to the hope that he would one day love you back, and then you could stick a couple’s selfie there. 

You smiled at his photo. 

Taking a deep breath, you leaned forward, pulled his photo off your notice board, and replaced it with the Polaroid from the wedding. It was one the happy couple sent out to everyone. 

You smiled at the photo in your hand. Joshua would always be that story you could tell ten years later, but tonight, for the first time in a long while, you could sleep without agonising over the ‘what ifs.’ You locked away Joshua’s picture in a drawer where you knew you couldn’t find it even if you tried. 

You smiled again at the photo of him and Yuri as you turned around and got ready to sleep. For the first time in a long time, as you lay in bed that night, you didn’t punish yourself, thinking you weren’t enough, assuming you missed every moment. You went to bed knowing that you had a great love. It just wasn’t a perfect love story.

But it was okay.

And you would be, too.  

[jasmineoolongtea]

plastic palm trees ― gojo satoru

caught in a dream, it's not what it seems

contents: gojo satoru x f!reader (exes), from the reader's pov this time, nicknames (sweets), angst, hurt + no comfort, questionable coping mechanism, small moments of happiness/fluff (in the flashbacks/memories), suggestive themes for like one memory, swearing/cursing, insecurities from the reader's side, drinking/alcohol

summary: memories from during and immediately after your relationship with satoru (pt. 2 to deeply still in love)

wc: 4.7k (wow that's a doozy and sorry on my part for any errors you might spot because this is kinda not proofread)

a/n: ahhh ty guys sm for the love on deeply still in love, i was not expecting it to blow up like that but i'm just so happy that you guys also enjoy it as well !!! this is kinda a part 2 but not really since it's mainly flashbacks. there is a part 3/conclusion to this whole mini saga coming soon so watch out for it :000. art by objectgraphy on x (nsfw warning for the full pic)

It plays again in your head like a clip from a movie you've seen way too many times.

It's you and him, just the two of you and no one else, sitting in his stupid beat-up black jeep wrangler that's probably seen too much by this point that's parked in the middle of some random parking lot well past midnight by now.

Satoru always complains that something's broken for the hundredth time whenever he comes to pick you up from your dorm for another one of his late-night rendevous however despite all this complaining, you're always greeted with the sight of the same black car even though you know he has a car collection that's way too extensive for any reasonable university student to have.

You're pretty sure you've lost count of how many times you've asked to just get a new car at this point but he always refuses for some reason that's beyond you.

Nostalgia, he says as he pats the well-worn leather lining of its interior. We've been through a lot, me and this one, he'll add on, talking about the vehicle as a person rather than some inanimate object and then he'll start pouting at you like some sort of petulant child when you stare back at him unconvinced.

There's a part of you that wants to call him a 'sentimental idiot' for stuff like this but actually, habits like this only serve to further endear him to you in some weird twist of fate and you can only muster an affectionate eye roll as a response.

There's no particular reason as to why you and Satoru would drive out and just sit and be together like this. It wasn't even because of this specific parking lot as well since you two would just usually drive around until you found a parking lot that looked empty enough and just park there to bask under the canopy of the night sky above.

It was always so quiet. You liked the quiet.

Before you met Satoru, you thought this quiet was something only you could keep to yourself but he taught you that there was merit to be had in sharing the quiet with someone else. Even if that someone else might make your 'quiet' much louder than what you're typically used to.

"I like it here." You mumble softly in the sleeves of your (his) sweater. It was one of your favourites because it was soft and it smelled like him.

"You like the city?" There's an edge of suspicion in his voice like he can't believe someone could ever like this place coming from someone who's grown up in said city. To be fair, the place had its good, bad and ugly and maybe as a city native, he had become accustomed to more of the bad and ugly rather than the good.

"I mean, it's nicer from where I came from. A lot of places are nicer than the town I'm from." You laugh half-heartedly as you lean against the cold glass of the window.

Satoru goes quiet for a moment. You don't talk about your hometown that much and for good reason, in your opinion. University was one of your few chances to get out of there and you took that chance without so much of a look back or regret in your mind.

It's nice, cosy even, if you ignore the slight tingling sensation crawling up your legs when you sit in the way you like to sit for too long or the fact that you're both hanging out in an abandoned parking lot in the dead of night. Whatever this is, you think you wouldn't change it for the world if you were given the choice.

Too bad, your getaway couldn't last forever.

The words are weighing heavy on your tongue, just there on the tip as if they're ready to jump off any second but you tighten your lips in a frail attempt to stop them from spilling out. You know the words you're going to have to say will change the way that things are, no matter how much you want things to stay like this.

Satoru leans his head against the car window next to him, hitting the glass with a soft bonk that you're sure hurts but of course, he doesn't react to the collision. Instead, his attention is focused on staring at you, angling his body in a way so that he can get a better look at you, with that classic dopey smirk of his plastered on his face as he does.

A part of you hates him for being able to look so good even in the broken glow of the overhead parking lot lights that would have made anyone else look sickly under its cracked yellow hue.

Not him though, never him. He looks like an angel, you think to yourself, with the way the wisps of white hair splayed out around him illuminate into something that resembles a halo which further elevates his already ethereal features into something otherwordly.

"Shame, it can't last though." You murmur quietly to yourself, moreso of in the vein of thinking out loud rather than starting a conversation. Unfortunately for you, it seems he's heard you.

"What do you mean?" He asks, sitting a little bit straighter in the driver's seat as he looks on inquisitively.

You avoid looking back at him because you know if you could see his expression, it would only make saying goodbye harder. "I can't stay, Toru." You tell him as you gaze into the black nothingness of the night sky from inside the car. "I'll have to move back after graduation."

"What? Why?"

"The rent is crazy expensive here. The only reason I can stay here for uni is because of the student pricing and now that we're graduating, there's no way I can afford to find a place in time." You gnaw nervously at the bottom of your lip as you speak, a bad habit, you know, but it's just something you can't really kick.

You don't want it to end like this, who would? You don't want to say goodbye to the city, to your life, to him. You've had your first taste of true independence and it's being taken away from you because of stupid expensive rent prices, of all things.

A very anti-climatic way to go out if anyone were to ask you.

The car is dead silent for a few minutes. You're scared for whatever his reaction is going to be. He's going to break up with you, isn't he? You think to yourself and you hate the fact that your mind instantly jumps to the worst option but you can already feel a pit start forming at the bottom of your stomach .

The longer the silence drags the more you're convinced he's going to kick you out of the car or something worse and you can already feel yourself bracing for whatever fallout is coming your way.

"Then move in with me. I have an apartment here, a pretty good apartment if you ask me." He states, shrugging his shoulders casually as if he were simply talking about the weather instead of suggesting something as major as this.

"...What?" You reply, though your words come out more as a question as you try to comprehend what he's just asked.

A beat of silence passes the two of you. You don't move.

"I'm serious. Move in with me." You scan his face for any of the typical telltale signs that he might be pulling a prank on you and you find his face scarily devoid of any of them.

Oh, he's dead serious, you think to yourself, with the way he's looking expectantly at you.

"Satoru, do you understand what you're asking?" You ask, still in a state of disbelief at his offer.

He makes a face at you like the answer to your question is the most obvious thing in the world.

"Obviously, if I didn't why would I ask you." He remarks as he raises an eyebrow at you and before you can open your mouth to retort back, he brings a finger up to your lips to silence you. "And, it's not that strange of a request considering the fact that you're my girlfriend. Don't people in a relationship usually move in together like isn't that some big relationship milestone that they look forward to?"

"I-I mean it is but still."

"Okay, then what's the problem."

"I don't know." You sigh, mulling over his proposition in your head for a bit before turning back to him.

"Just promise me this, Toru. Promise me you won't get sick of me?" You ask him as you reach out your pinky towards him.

A pinky promise. It's childish you know but Satoru knows how much small things like this mean to you.

He reaches his hand out to you and interlocks his pinky with you but before you can pull away, he laces his other fingers with yours and brings your hands up to his lips for a soft kiss. The tips of your ears burn red at the way his lips brush your skin.

"Sweets, I could never get sick of you. Actually, I don't think I could ever get over you as long as I lived."

"You better hope that's true or I'm gonna make you eat your words." You grin cheekily at him, a smile which he reciprocates tenfold before basically pouncing over the console to wrap his arms around you. A squeal escapes you as you burst out into a fit of giggles as he peppers your face with feather-light kisses all whilst fighting off your weak attempts at pushing him off.

His arms rest against the plush leather of the passenger seat, trapping you against him, as his flurry of kisses dies down. He stops for a second, admiring the sight of you so close to him and a part of you wants to shrink from the intensity of his gaze. Unfortunately with the way that his arms are caging you in, there's nowhere to hide and you're left at his mercy.

Satoru leans closer, barely inches away from your face as he hovers right above your lips. "Oh yeah? Well, you're gonna be waiting for a long time because that's never gonna happen." His lips find their place against yours, melting into you like they were made for you and you think to yourself that this must be what home feels like.

Another memory of a happier time flashes through after that.

This time, you're lost in between the bedsheets with him, bare skin on skin as the two of you whisper sweet nothings to each other like lovers do in the dead of night when there's no one watching.

"I like it here." He mutters softly. His arm is wrapped around your waist, pulling you into him like you're his very own lifeline, and his legs are haphazardly intertwined with yours in some mess of limbs that might be able to pass as an abstract art piece if you look at it right from a certain angle.

The blanket is resting dangerously low around his hips and you're wondering how he isn't freezing as you cling onto him as your own personal space heater in the darkness that surrounds the two of you.

It's quiet once again.

"What? Us naked in your bed?" You quip.

"You know that's not what I meant." He groans into your bare shoulder as you giggle softly to yourself, clearly pleased with your well-timed jibe.

"Sorry, I just had to take the opportunity to tease you."

You can't necessarily see him right now but you're sure he's probably lovingly rolling his eyes at you. A sigh escapes his lips and you shiver slightly from the way the blast of hot air hits your skin.

"I like it here when it's just me and you and there's no one else except us in this world." He confesses to you as his fingers begin to explore the expanses of your body as if trying to commit the way you feel under his fingertips into memory.

You bite the corner of your lip as you fight the urge to shrink under his delicate touch.

There's another jest resting on the tip of your tongue but you decide that Satoru's had enough terrorising on your behalf so you say nothing and instead quietly soak up this rare respite from the busyness of everyday life that has been afforded to you two.

"Just us, together, in this bed where we don't need to care about anything else except just that." He adds on, his voice resolute and although you don't say anything out loud, you think you agree with him.

In here, in between these four walls, you two can pretend that the entire world existed within these confines and all the two of you needed to do was to reach out and you had the world at your fingertips. At the end of the day, it was simple and something the two of you could forever return to.

You wished that things could stay simple.

Before you can linger on that moment any longer, it's gone in the blink of an eye as another memory swoops in to take its place.

The door to your shared apartment creeks open and as you crane your head towards the doorway from your spot on the sofa, you're greeted with the sight of a slightly dazed Satoru clumsily entering.

"What's up?" You ask as you shoot up from your place, quickly making your way across the apartment to check up on him as a pang of concern over his current state hits you.

At the sight of you, Satoru is suddenly drawn back into reality as he blinks owlishly for a few seconds as if attempting to reacquaint himself with his surroundings and bring his clearly distracted mind back into reality.

"I just got a call from my family's company. They're giving me the chance to head a new division they want to expand into." He replies as he runs a hand through his hair, a nervous habit of his which shows that this offer is clearly weighing heavy on him. You take his hand in yours and give it a comforting squeeze in the way that he would do for you all those times before, a gesture you can tell he greatly appreciates with the way his shoulders sag with relief.

He confesses softly to you. "I don't know if I should do it."

"Why? What's holding you back?" You question, somewhat confused by his hesitation. This is a major offer and you're surprised that he isn't jumping off the walls with excitement but you're sure he must have his reasons.

"I just- The hours are going to be long and well, you know how many family is and the elders are-"

You cut him off sharply, sensing that Satoru was on his way down a lengthy ramble. "I think you should take it." He stares at you, almost slightly bewildered at your apt response. "It'll be good for you."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, I'm sure Toru. If you don't take this opportunity, you're going to regret later down the line." You insist, sending a reassuring smile his way. Even if he can't see it now, you're sure that this going to be good for him. For the both of you.

Whatever new hurdles that might come your way from this like Satoru is convinced is going to happen, you have faith that the two of you can make it out relatively unscathed.

It's good to have faith right?

The new question was, how long can your faith carry you?

You're pacing back and forth in your shared apartment for what seems like the millionth time as you anxiously watch the seconds tick down on the clock.

"Hey, Toru. What time do you think you're going to be back?" You're trying to balance the phone between your ear and shoulder as you smooth out a napkin to the best of your ability. It's looking a little wonky, if you're going to be honest and maybe tonight of all nights wasn't really the time to find out if you were good at folding napkins into fancy shapes like they do at the restaurant but you needed tonight to go according to plan.

It had to. Tonight was an important night for both of you.

"Why, what's the occasion?" From the way he's asking, you don't think he's putting on an act of pretending not to know for the surprise. Rather, it's a genuine question on his behalf and somehow, for some reason, that feels even worse than outright disgust.

"Did you forget?" You feel your voice falter ever so slightly, another crack etching its way onto your already fragile heart. "It's our anniversary dinner."

"Shit, I'm so sorry, sweets. It totally slipped my mind with all of these meetings and stuff they're having me do." You hear an exhausted sigh ring out from the other side of the phone in between the cacophony of other voices taking up space in the background. "I'll make it up to you, I swear."

"...No, It-it's fine. We can just reschedule this stuff for another day." A breathy laugh leaves your lips in a weak attempt to try and convince him that it was truly alright and that it was just something else to brush off.

"...If you say so."

"I'm serious, Satoru. It's fine, I can just reschedule things for another day that's all." Another one to add to the evergrowing pile, a bitter voice barks from within the recesses of your mind.

Much to your chagrin, you're unfortunately becoming much more acquainted with this voice and although you haven't responded to its taunts yet, you can feel your resolve wearing away with each late night you watch the streets below for any sign of life, his life to be specific.

Worst of all, you can't say you regret this, can you? Because if you do, then it would basically be confessing that all of the pain and late nights the both of you have been sacrificing have been all for nought and that you were wrong for pushing the both of you down this path.

It needs to be worth it so that there's a reason for this pain that you're feeling when things like this become an afterthought but you're starting to wonder how many times you have to say it until it becomes real instead of just a pipe dream you had the misfortune of being caught in.

Soon, it seemed that these doubts weren't just one-sided anymore.

"This is good for us, right?" Satoru asks one night as the two of you are getting ready for bed. It's been a while since the two of you have gone to bed at the same time as your clocks fall further and further out of sync the longer you two spend out of each other's embrace. There's a strong hint of uncertainty in his voice like he's trying to convince himself as much as he's trying to convince you. "...You're happy right?"

You don't look at him in the eye. You can't. "Right, yeah. I mean, this is what we want." Your answer isn't as resolute as you hoped that it would come out but you brush past it in the hopes of making sure whatever doubts you may have bubbling underneath your surface remain there.

"You didn't answer my other question."

A nervous laugh escapes you. "What do you mean?"

"Are you happy?" You stop in your tracks for a moment as you process his question.

There were a lot of things you could have said at that time, the truth would have been a good option, but instead, you chose to swallow the difficult choice down and take the easy way out by plastering on a sickly sweet smile and lying to him through your teeth.

"Of course, I'm happy Satoru."

As soon as the words leave your mouth, you're greeted with that oh-so-familiar sensation of that pit in the bottom of your stomach as the bitter voice you've tried to suppress makes its infamous return to the forefront of your mind.

Looking back at it now, maybe you should have said the truth, it would have saved you two a lot of pain in retrospect but pride is a funny thing and you're sure that Satoru was in the same position you were in at this point.

That's probably why he didn't push any further after your response, no matter how fake it probably sounded out loud. It's either that or he wanted to believe that you were actually telling the truth.

You're not sure which one is worse.

In another world, you would like to think that there's a point to your mind deciding to subject you to this trip down memory lane aside from dredging up your past pains and regrets to torture you. Maybe, in this other world, you would have a sudden life-changing revelation awaiting you at the end of the road but all you can see just nothing.

It's better this way, right? For the both of you.

You told yourself that when you sat him down and broke up with him in the total sum of a few sentences before leaving because you didn't want to truly say goodbye to him as that would make everything more real and therefore much worse. You told yourself that when you sat in the backseat of your friend's car they came to pick you up for a night out because they insisted that you needed to get out of your head sometimes. You tell yourself this when you stare into the barrel of the gun in the form of the glass of alcohol sitting in front of you.

He deserves better than being lied to on the daily and someone like you holding him back. You can't even remember the last time you actually, truly looked him in the eye for longer than a few seconds. You imagine the old you who loved to get lost in the vast expanses of his cerulean eyes that would gaze at you like you were the one who personally hung the stars in the sky.

Before, if his eyes were the great roaring ocean, you would gladly let yourself get pulled under by the tide even if it meant drowning in its depth. Now, you're scared to even dip your toes in the shoreline when the wave is nothing more than just the remnants of sea foam.

You reach over for another sip, pretending like the burning aftertaste left in its wake doesn't make you want to wince.

Maybe Satoru was onto something with his dislike of alcohol. You've learned that after a few drinks, all liquor, no matter the amount of zeros slapped onto the end of its price tag starts to taste the same by the end of the night.

There's just so much of him everywhere. In the objects, the, hell even the air. You think you might suffocate from the sheer amount of him you're surrounded by. It doesn't matter where you go, all you can see is him.

You needed to get out.

Pushing past the crowd all whilst ignoring the confused calls of your friends to your sudden switch in behaviour, you stumble your way to the bathroom and lock the door behind you as you slump down defeated next to the sink.

Truth be told, his question haunts you more than you would like to admit.

"Are you happy?"

You don't think you are. Maybe you should be, you have everything that would usually qualify for someone to answer that they are happy and you're no longer that struggling student you were a few years ago which is definitely a plus.

You tell other people that you are 'happy' when they ask, with a smile that never reaches your eyes and a grip that's probably too tight on whatever you're holding in your hands at the time but the answer never feels right, no matter how many times you say it out loud and let it roll off your tongue.

Despite what you tell yourself, perhaps the time when you were happy, truly happy, was when you were with him.

Deep down, you think that if you were given the choice between now and then, you would trade all of this for a chance to be those dumb kids sitting and making out in parking lots without a care in the world except for each other again in a heartbeat.

As you study the tiles of the wall opposite you, you think to yourself that it would be nice to stay here in this bathroom, far away from the rest of the world and far away from what feels like all your regrets personified but the logical, reasonable part of you knows that there's no way you could realistically stay here any longer before your friends start worriedly banging on the door.

Slowly, your shoulders deflate with a defeated sigh as you stand up and make your way out of whatever bar you've been dragged to as you bid your friends goodbye in a way that you hope doesn't raise any suspicions.

The air feels bitingly cold as the wind nips at your face while you stand awkwardly on the curb, waiting for a taxi as you go to both the first and last place you want to be at; your apartment. Ironically, in a cruel twist of fate, the total absence of anything relating to Satoru only makes his lack of presence only more pronounced.

If this was the universe's doing, then you had a few choice words for them to say the least.

You wrap your arms around yourself in a vain attempt to maintain some semblance of body heat as you quickly flag down the nearest car and clamber in. When you arrive back, you glance at the clock and you have to fight the urge to let out a laugh when you see that it's barely even past 10pm and you're already back at home.

Pathetic, the bitter voice in your head spits out.

You do what you do best and ignore it as you collapse into the embrace of your bed and try your bed to lull yourself to whatever empty dreamscape awaits you this time if only to get a moment away from your current reality. It doesn't last long though because you're awoken by the shrill ringing of your phone.

Should have silenced it, you curse yourself silently as you blindly reach for it. Once it's in your hands, you squint as the blinding brightness of the screen and a flicker of recognition flashes through you as you realise who's actually calling you and for some reason, against your better judgment, you pick up.

When you hang up, you don't go back to sleep. Rather, you're unable to go back to sleep as you're left staring blankly at the ceiling above you. The bed feels too big for one person and you find yourself missing the nights where you could go to sleep alone and wake up in the arms of another.

Much like when you're forced to watch a replay of all your memories, you're wondering if what you said was right. If you were to go by what you've been telling yourself since the breakup, then sure, you did the right thing. But if it is truly the right thing, then it doesn't explain this inexplicable emptiness gnawing deep within your chest or this aching feeling that sits in a place you can't quite reach but are all too aware of.

The longer you let your mind run through all the possibilities you can think of, the more often you find yourself coming back to the same conclusion. It's better this way, be damned, you think to yourself and with that, you make up your mind to set off on a mission.

Out of all of the places you could have found yourself at, this is definitely quite down low on the list and maybe this is what you deserve for trusting your feet instead of your head but you decide that at this point, you don't have much else to lose and so, you gather up the courage to say the words that you've been waiting to say for a while.

"Hi."

[tateshifts]

MATTHEO RIDDLE ⋆｡˚ ੈ✩‧₊˚ dr headcanons pt 2

✮ . . . i know this sounds very 2021 shiftok but mattheo actually does smell like burnt wood ? but it’s not the bad kind ? I CANT EXPLAIN LMAO but it’s like a mix with cigs and rain too. but he absolutely does not smell like cinnamon.

✮ . . . enzo and blaise go to hogsmeade often at 1am to buy weed from this dodgy man… (you will never catch me there) but the boys all smoke it together regularly ?? god knows what’s in that weed- i smoked it once and passed out for 18 hours. i now get my weed elsewhere LOL

✮ . . . he did drink a lot a few years ago (as one of his coping mechanisms), but now he balances his drinking and smoking & he never does both at the same time; unless it’s at a special slytherin party when he’s celebrating (slytherin winning the overall match for the season)

✮ . . . this man is such a hopeless romantic!! he would never dare say it out loud but you can tell in the movies he watches and the books he reads. i made him read ‘ugly love’ (when it was trending) and i swear i saw him smiling at the romantic parts ahahah but overall he hated it. 2/10 don’t recommend.

✮ . . . he also loves the marvel comics. he’s such a dedicated fan, he likes to refresh his memory with the comics, on the characters and the original plot before he watches a new mcu film.

✮ . . . he likes having company most of the time but he only likes it from his close friends. he won’t really acknowledge anyone else unless it benefits his academics or needs. i spend most of my time with mattheo since we match eachothers energies so well; its rare that we’re ever apart

✮ . . . his love language is touch and gift giving!! if he needs something from me that he knows will need a bit of persuading, he will go and buy me crystal bars (this worked well for him once).

✮ . . . continuing from pt 1, he gives off this cold and heartless personality but once you really get to know and trust him, he shows you his gentle side, only if he trusts you. he has trust issues and abandonment issues which stemmed from his childhood as he never had any immediate living blood relatives, but he now considers the boys, me and pansy his family.

part 1 here

thanks for reading ❦｡･:*:･ﾟ follows, likes & reblogs are appreciated x

[multi-fandom-agereg]

repeat after me:

(for littles who feel guilty for liking things that isn't "regression friendly" quote to quote) ⚠️ +a bit of swearing and caps! Please don't read if you're uncomfy !

👏 you don't have to apologize to anyone about what you like to watch/enjoy when regressed! 👏👏👏

you can watch adult swim and be a little! You can watch adult shows and be a little! You can watch horror movies and be a little! You can enjoy analog horror/paranormal videos and be a little! You can watch violent anime/movie/shows and still be a little! You can watch triggering content for a coping mechanism and still be a little! You can watch things that has characters swear like a sailor/does inappropriate things and be a little! You can watch YouTubers that you watched when you were younger and still be a little!

You aren't being creepy. You aren't faking your regression. You aren't an attention seeker. You aren't harming anyone. You aren't weird. You aren't being edgy. You are just coping/having fun. Nobody (and I mean anyone) has NO RIGHT to criticize your regression. It's YOURS not THEIRS. there are no buts, ifs or what ifs. Your regression is beautiful and healthy. And no matter what you watch or enjoying doing when little doesn't make you any less valid. You are still a little, and it's OKAY to break stereotypes down. Because you aren't them, you are beautiful and so is your regression

To anyone who refuses to learn, and thinks regression has to be completely "pure" or "innocent" (innocent like watching child friendly cartoons only). Go away and log off the internet. Cgs, littles, pets, flips and everyone else in/out of the community doesn't need your confirmation on ANYTHING. They can do whatever they want. So here's my advice and I hope your guardians/caretaker (s) taught you this; mind your FUCKING business. Leave us alone.

ONE LAST TIME, YOUR REGRESSION IS YOURS TO TAKE CARE OF, NOBODY ELSE'S.

-from a little who watches South park and one piece because it makes me happy

[yullalightk]

WOTFI IS HERE!!!!!!! WHOOO!!!!!!

I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE! But! I watched it after the livestream countdown, and, BOI! Do I have a lot to say!! and I'll make a part 2 of the WOTFI review cause, I don't think I'll be able to fit everything in one post. And with a lot of school projects on the line. So, I'll work on pt 2! and post it tomorrow!

!Also, spoiler warning!

So... we good? Okay! strap in!!

First off the thumbnail looks AMAZING!!!!! It really got me excited as soon as I woke up at 1 in the morning lmao😂

As soon as I watched it I was actually surprised they decided not to go with the horror route like in the trailer.. But personally, I'm not gonna complain I mean that should've been expected imo.

Also, the poster is soo fricking cool!!!! Like, I can't get enough of this art style and THE WAY IT WAS ANIMATED WAS LIKE A MOVIE INTRO!!!! IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!!!!!✨

The intro/Puzzles' backstory

So, I'm glad that Mr Puzzles gave us a more clearer explanation to his backstory. Even though it was something a lot of us knew already. None the less it was nice! I'm curious about the mother though, like, what was she like to Puzzles? Was she someone who didn't believe in her son's dreams as well? Or maybe someone who encouraged him to keep trying? Idk honestly, but maybe we'll get that answer in next year's WOTFI!

I also don't think he just sat in his room all day to adulthood, maybe he left his home to chase his dream but failed on multiple occasions. (Kinda like in the series where he tries to kill the crew but fails all the time) or, he watched TV all day as a coping mechanism. Trying to escape the cruelty of the world he lived in.

Also, wdhm when he said "The rest is history" like, we need more. Like how you got godlike powers? maybe that'll be explored more in WOTFI 2025!

Side note: Leggy's face when she dropped little Puzzles was funny for some reason help! IT HAD NO REASON TO BE THIS FUNNY!!😂😂

HE SWORE!!!!! YESS!!!!!!!! I swear he needs to let his anger out more, You gotta give kudos to him for enduring Mario's chaos😂

The casts!

I really LOVED the character designs! I can see how they are freaks now!

My all time favorites are SMG3, Bob, and Karen! They're designs stick out the most in the cast and I do like how they are all under Puzzles' control, like the PV movie!

Wish Saiko had more screen time though, I'm just a little disappointed at that. They could've done something interesting for her. Heck, they even gave the rest of the main cast more screen time than her.

But, maybe we'll see that in the next WOTFI? Hold up- wait a sec, I'm seeing a pattern of sorts... are, the stuff that felt lackluster in the 2024 WOTFI coming back as something better in WOTFI 2025?? That could be a possibility. I might make a theory on that, but hopefully when I'm not busy.

Side note: I swear this episode made me ship Mario and Puzzles so much!!😂😂 I mean- It's just hilarious to me!

Like when he said "Dear Mario" I know he hates him but like the way he says it made it feel like he likes him, or just toying with him!! Marware fans are eatin' good today! And he also complimated Mario on his performances on the fire perfomance!!! I know... he was doing what a judge does, try say something nice to the performers. But! That won't stop me from shipping them! And don't forget! Mario also still wanted to stay despite the hell Mr Puzzles put them through, in the rap Mario still wanted to have some fun in the amusment park! But, also glad he attacks him when Puzzles harms Mario's friend. And can be scared of him sometimes.

Now listen, I know he was trying to get Mario back so he won't ruin his show again but to me it also looks like he wants Mario to pay attention to him! kinda like a yandere😂😂 I'm just letting Marware infect my brain at this point haha.. it's becoming a curse.

Anyway that's part 1 for now. Part 2 will hopefully come out tomorrow as well, and I also have some projects to do so I know I said I will post every Saturday but that may be a little difficult, I'll get part 2 out tomorrow and I really hope that'll be the end of my review of this year's WOTFI!

Thanks for reading! hope ya'll enjoyed my WOTFI 2024 review pt 1.

[sharpth1ng]

Do you have any tips for writing? Or you just go with the flow and hope for the best

I do have tips yeah, but keep in mind this is just how it works for me, there are probably lots of different approaches that are equally good.

My writing is pretty character driven so that drives a lot of my process.

When I'm writing I want to have a sense of how a character experiences the world, so I ask myself questions like this:

-Are they more cerebral, in their head? Or are they more sensory -How much tolerance do they have for bad things and feelings? -How do they react when something good happens? -Do they celebrate their wins or react with anxiety because winning adds pressure? -Are they embarrassed by compliments or do they take them well? If they're embarrassed do they get flustered or gruff? -Do their outward reactions match the way they feel inside? -Do they lie well? If they do is there anything they can't lie about? -What do they need to feel secure? -What calms them down? -What are their coping mechanisms? Make sure there are some bad ones (I mean that, imo a good character needs real flaws) -Do they speak directly about their feelings or do they talk around things

There's a lot more questions like that that you can ask yourself, and know the answers to those things makes it a lot easier to figure out how they would react to whatever you want to throw at them in the plot. Sometimes a character is going to be resistant to something you want to do and it's worth it to take the time (both IRL and in the plot) to figure out what that character needs to get them to a place where they're ready to react the way you need for the plot point.

Dialogue and Language

Another big thing for me is dialogue, as well as the language you use in general for describing things from a character's perspective. I'm not exactly sure out to describe this exactly, but I'll give an example. Stu uses a lot more casual and shortened language than Billy ('cause, gonna, sayin', ect.), and he's a lot more willing to use goofy slang than Billy is (dope, rad, the bomb).

Both of them use some movie language but Billy uses more- referring to his life plans and experiences as "the plot", referring to his field of view as "the shot", stuff like that.

Billy on the other hand uses slightly more formal, occasionally more dramatic language. He's less likely to use shortened words if he's not actively having sex, and when he swears he's more likely to say fuck than shit. He also refers to a lot more using critical language. Things are stupid, dumb, asinine, ect.

for both of them though I generally try to stick to more common language. Theres lots of fun words in the thesaurus, but if they don't sound like something a 19/20 year old dude would say I'm not going to try to find something else.

Plot

There are different kind of arcs to consider when you're figuring out pacing. For me I try to make sure chapters have an arc- I try to introduce an issue in the start, the characters navigate that through the chapter, and the tension rises toward the end until it comes to a head somehow. In my writing thats often a sex scene or a fight (or both).

I also try to consider the overarching plot. where do I want my characters to end up by the end of the story and what needs to happen to get them there? I don't like introducing plot elements out of nowhere, so I often try to mention things at least in an offhand way before they become important to the plot.

Practically the way I approach this is to figure out plot milestones. as an example for Debaser we start with a choking encounter that results in both of them having a sexual experience. That leads to an exploration of more power/painplay under the guise that it's not sexual, until they get to the point of having to admit that it sexual.

At that point its a slippery slope, especially after Maureens murder, which is a bonding experience. It sort of continues on that way, but they're all steps that move Billy into a place where he's more willing to let himself do what he actually wants.

I'm sure there's more I could say but this is the most useful advice I can think of right now. Basically know your characters! Know more about them than you think you'll need to to write the story, because you'll be shocked how much of it you can use to fill in blanks in a way that feels genuine.

I hope that helps!

[spinnysocks]

Welcome to my Den! 🐾

*remakes pinned for the millionth time :3*

By: @/feathers-fins-and-fangs, @/batsbolts-andboards, @/phantompawz, @/timberbark, @/mollytoons, @/sweetpeauserboxes, @/lookineedsleep

Last updated: 25/09 🌙

Pronouns Page | Boundaries | DNI in bio

Rb'ing for Palestine: @iftheresanythingleft | Moodboard making: @poetryforcoyotes | TLG ask blog: @tlg-confessions

Some stuff about the blogger!

Hi, my name's Spinny! This is my Main Blog! :)

My favoured pronouns shift; in (bold) are my favoured atm! - he/him 🌿 it/its 🌿 they/them 🌿 xe/xem 🌿 ze/zim 🌿 sol/sols 🌿 star/stars 🌿 void/voids 🌿 coy/coyote 🌿 fox/foxs 🌿 yip/yips 🌿 croc/crocs

I prefer interchangeable use of those above, but generally answer to he/it and any of my neopronouns <3

Very queer!! I'm nonbinary, genderqueer, xenofluid, aroace and a fuck ton of other labels that I hoard at @foxsocksvoid :)

I'm an alterhuman, specifically a polymorph! Planning to make a post going into my identity more, but my strongest types are fox, crocodile, coyote and hyena

I am neurodivergent (suspected AuDHD), suspected APD and a maladaptive daydreamer with some other coping mechanism disorders. As a result, I find interacting etc hard so please bare with me. More info in my boundaries ^^

I am a gemini, my birthday is June 6th and I am pagan! Just a creature guy who loves movies and is going into wildlife conservation & management :D

Self-proclaimed Warrior Cats veteran and the #1 Whitestorm fan, but relatively new in the Lion Guard fanbase! Great to be here c:

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Blog Information!

I am an adult but my blog is SFW with strictly NO NSFW. Though I do swear.

Except for this post, I type almost entirely in lowercase!

Please tag me if responding to a comment/any mention, otherwise I don't see it! :c

I repost stimboards which may have auto-playing gifs and art that may contain minor blood or animal death (warrior cats or other art)! I tag these under #tw blood, #tw gore, #tw death, #tw cat death and #tw implied death. I do not tag auto-playing gifs.

IF something ever happens to Tumblr, I'm “spinnysocks” or “ricoofdoom” on everything. I'd probably migrate to discord as well as pillowfort or cohost but Tumblr is my everything so hopefully not!!

This post will likely be updated on a near-daily basis due to pronouns shifting and general forgetfulness.

Other info can be found on my boundaries post / just ask! ^^

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Asks!

Send me asks!!! (/nf) They are always open and I love getting any asks or mentions about anything at all! Send me or tag me as much as you'd like <3

I have character opinion bingo asks that are always open too! Check out the tag for who I've been asked about already ^^

I am also always open for the character ask game! That has a tag too :)

I'm also completely happy to participate in tag games of any kind! They're so fun!!

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Interests!

Current fixations: Warrior Cats, Clangen, The Lion Guard!

Other fandoms: Madagascar, Watership Down, Night At The Museum, Guardians Of The Galaxy, Space Jam/The Looney Tunes, Ice Age, Kung Fu Panda, Sonic, Shakespeare and Dead Poets Society. Mada and Ice Age are my oldest and I'm very fond of them c:

Games I like: RDR2, WolfQuest, Endling, Stray, Shelter Generations, The Isle, Jurassic World Evolution, Planet Zoo, Minecraft, Roblox and Rain World. I own RDR2, WQ, Endling, JWE, PZ, Minecraft and Roblox while the others are interests (aka my pc is shit and/or I can't afford them lmfao)

General: indie/rock music, kids/fantasy movies, cinema, writing, drawing, more to add :3

Basically, I love creatures, fantasy and animated movies! Please talk to me about any of the above interests if you'd like to, or even ask me if I've seen a specific media! I don't bite!! <3

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My “Random Shit” links!

Watership Down uquiz (my first post :D)

What Species Would You Choose To Be Reincarnated As (poll)

Warrior Cats mass animations playlist

Favourite Character Bingo 2023

The Lion Guard stuff!

Royal Mjuzi! Nduli AU

Young crocs headcannons

Christmastime headcannons

RDR2/Wild West AU

Jumanji AU

Scar's Guard AU fanfic & the Scar's Guard AU post

Warrior Cats AU

TLG Pride Month 2024 (see tag for all posts)

Outlanders Hunger Games sim (see tag for all posts)

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That's all! Thank you very much for reading <3 🐾

[ireneaesthetic]

Simon and Marcus: Simon's pov

I've been requested to do it once and i've actually things to point out. I’m gonna focus on a specific scene, using it as a cue to dive more into their dynamic from simon's pov.

for whoever not interested, i swear the next analysis post will be wilmon centered - love y’all

Relevant fact: call me a marcus anti since day one. I found it kind of weird for him to act so friendly, self-confident and at ease even from their very first interaction in simon’s room, but maybe it’s just my shy closeted self talking!

However, the movie scene is probably the most significant one, showing a lot - if not all - about simon’s approach and intention in 'whatevership' he and marcus were starting to have. He walks into the apartment right after him, eyes wondering all over the room, his “cozy” word to warm the atmosphere, the looks and little smiles: he mirrors wille’s actions when he first entered simon’s room, recreating the same scenario. He tries to fill that space with the same thrill, energy, emotions - love.

It’s a nice try, but not even close to work. He forces himself to be flustered and feel what he knows this type of situation should make him feel. Pretending gets harder if memories are louder and the heart doesn’t beat as much as it did before.

Simon's eyes never lied: the truth is he was always sure about what he was not feeling, the chemistry he tried to find so soon so fast but that, just as quickly, was not pushing him to ask, want or need more ever again. He looked at marcus but never really looked at him: there were no such feelings for simon to communicate, rather vacant eyes and empty gazes that still showed things he was missing and couldn't seem to replicate with him.

The 'let's get physical' coping mechanism to step up the game is real but still: simon suggests watching a horror movie, he's the one taking the initiative, he goes for the upper lip into the kiss. He wants so hard to forget about wilhelm while unconsciously doing whatever it takes to remember him. to have what they had back. to feel something.

But with marcus it turns out to be just ... physical. it's all very rational: no connection or tension building up between them, no growing emotions are involved in pulling them closer, even simon’s hands movements feel thought through.

Falling in love doesn’t have to be rational tho, it comes to you so that you’re not supposed to search for it to happen - oh to be reminded that simon ends up not ever being the first in reaching for physical touch or pulling marcus into a kiss after this one. single. time.

Marcus telling him to take it slow and see where time will take them, it didn’t stir anything in simon but discomfort. He didn’t go to his place looking out for the comfort of a movie night fr or hoping to start something serious, but to prove himself that he was ready to forget and move on, to be with someone else, to love and stop hurting for once - he soon realized he could not do that.

And when he said it out loud to marcus later on, he was not listened to.

Simon’s “i just don't understand why i can’t fall in love with him” finds all the answers here: it was never about marcus, but shutting his feelings for wille down whenever they weighed too much instead. That's the reason why i think they were doomed from the very beginning: as much as simon could be rationally invested in trying to make it work, his heart was not.

Wilhelm’s step back - “i’m gonna leave you alone” - was simon’s realization point. He tried moving on to someone else for his own sake and also wanted to show he was capable of doing that, but to actually loose wille was never an option and he didn't mean it to end this way. It was like being faced with a choice, even though to choose was never really a thing: simon would've chosen wilhelm. always.

[writerrinthedarksblog]

You're okay | Pedro Pascal

TW: depression

Y/N pov:

These last few days have been hard. There's just so many things going on inside my head, I can barely focus on anything.

It's currently 7 pm here in New York and I swear I just want to scream. I'm supposed to memorize my lines for my upcoming movie that starts shooting in a few weeks but I simply can't. Everything is so messed up right now. My mind is driving me insane. I've been locked up in my apartment for 2 days by now, my phone was somewhere in my place but I didn't give a fuck about checking my messages or answering the calls. I just want myself back, I don't want to feel depressed again, I'm so freaking scared. I even lost my appetite because of how nauseous I've been feeling. Everything inside of me was hurting.

I've been struggling with my mental health since I was a teenager because of some bad traumas, but I haven't had a relapse for a long time. I really thought I was getting better, but I guess I'm not. All I can think about is how insufficient I feel. Why can't I just feel good for once?

I'm laying on the floor and July by Noah Cyrus was playing in the back. My head hurts because of all the stress and anxiety. I feel so mentally drained.

My self destructive mind is destroying me slowly. I feel like everyone is sick of me, why would they even like me if I'm such a mess? What would my boyfriend think of me? He's such a lovely, sweet person and here I am, a living disaster. I'm not good enough, how is he in love with me? Am I even a good actress? What if the people on the internet are right about me? I'm so sick of myself.

I started sobbing, trying to let go of my bottled up emotions. Why is everything so hard? I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Suddenly someone started knocking at my door and I panicked. I don't want anyone to see me this weak and vulnerable.

"Y/N, please open the door" Pedro said, "Amor please let me in" he said in a worried tone.

"I- I- I can't" I said with a broken voice.

"Baby what's going on?" he said with a sad tone

Pedro's pov:

I've been trying to reach my beloved girlfriend since yesterday, it's extremely rare of her to just go missing. I thought she was busy working on those lines she told me about, but this was getting very weird, so I decided to call her best friend Florence to ask her if she knows something.

"Hey Pedroouu, what's up?" Flo said in her british accent.

"Hii Flo, I was just wondering if you know something about Y/N, she hasn't been answering my calls or texts since yesterday and I'm getting very worried" I said.

"She didn't answer me either, I just hope she's not..." Flo said in a worried voice.

"She's not what?" I interrupted her.

"I don't know if she talked to you about this, but Y/N gets this depressive episodes sometimes and she gets to isolate herself as a coping mechanism because you know... it's hard. It's really weird though, it's been a while since the last one" Flo explained.

"She never told me about this" I said.

"Well, it's probably because she doesn't want to feel like a burden. You should go to her place, let her know that you're there for her. At the beginning of our friendship it was really hard for her to open up with me. She really hates showing her most vulnerable side to anyone, especially people she really cares about. I would visit her but I'm shooting in Scotland right now" Flo said.

"Oh and let me tell you Pascal, Y/N gets extremely sensitive when she's going though some deep shit so please be patient, and take her some sweets, it will help to lift up her mood" Flo told me.

"I'm heading out to her place now, thank you so much Flo, I'll let you know how she's doing" I said.

"Please take care of my best friend, byee" Flo said ending the call.

I ran out to buy some of Y/N favourite's sweets and some pink tulips before heading to her apartment, luckily she lives close to my place here in Manhattan so I didn't have to take the subway.

When I got to her door, I heard some music and loud sobs. It broke my heart. I started knocking at her door, but she didn't answer.

"Y/N, please open the door" I said extremely worried.

"Amor please let me in" I begged.

"I- I- I can't" she said with a broken voice.

"Baby what's going on?" I said.

"Please go away" she said sobbing.

"I'm not leaving you, Y/N. Please just open the door, I'm here for you" I said putting my forehead in her door.

A few seconds later, the music stopped and she opened the door. She was wearing a big Fleetwood Mac shirt that she probably stole from me, some shorts and her favourite avocado socks, looking like a homeless man as she would say... Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks and nose were a bit red from all the crying. The view broke my heart.

"Amor" I said in a low voice.

She broke down crying again covering her face with her hands. Immediately I left the grocery's bag on the small side table, to hug her right there. She just kept sobbing on my chest.

"Shhh, everything's okay, you're okay" I said trying to comfort her.

"I- I feel so drained and it's so overwhelming" she said crying.

"I know baby, I know. But I'm here for you and I promise that everything will get better, you will feel better" I said kissing her forehead.

I carried her to the couch and I sat her in my lap. She cuddled closer to my chest feeling a bit calmed. I caressed her face with my hands trying to clean the dry tears while she played with her fingers nervously. I left a kiss in her forehead and in the peck of her nose making her giggle.

I came close to her lips to finally kiss her gently, and when I felt her smile during it, I felt the happiest man alive. She's the most perfect girl I've ever seen. Even at her worst she has me mesmerized. I wish she could see herself from my eyes.

"Why are you staring? I know I look awful" She said.

"I'm admiring how gorgeous you are, mi vida. Thank you for being vulnerable with me, I know it's hard for you to let someone see you like this" I said.

"Thank you for being here for me even at my worst, it really means a lot" she said.

"I will always be here for you, amor. So don't try to push me away because I will always stay close to you, on your good days or bad days. I will never leave your side, Y/N. I love you so much and I really wish I could take all your pain away. You have the prettiest soul, and I wish you could see how everyone around you is completely mesmerised by you, especially me. You're like a ray of sunshine in a cloudy day". I told her.

"I know your mind can play you wrong sometimes, but I promise that you're worth of all the good things and I'm so lucky of calling you mine. Everything will get better baby and I will be here by your side, always." I said putting my forehead against hers, caressing her cheek.

"I love you so so much Pedro" she told me tearing up a bit.

"I love you more, mi vida" I said leaving a kiss on her lips.

"Do you wanna see what I brought you?" I said cleaning her tears with my hands.

"What is it?" She said smiling.

I stood up to get the sweets and flowers out of the bag. I walked to the couch and I saw the way her eyes glowed when she saw what I had in my hands.

"You didn't have to, they're beautiful" she said hugging me. I wrapped my arms around her waist.

"I will never lose a chance of spoiling my favourite person, you deserve so many beautiful things, te amo más de lo que puedes imaginar" I said.

She left a small and cute kiss on my lips, before saying that she loves me too.

We spent the rest of the night watching some funny videos on tik tok and eating the sweets, eventually Y/N started feeling a bit better. We even called Flo and she showed us how her precious dog Billie was wearing her wig from the movie she was filming, making us explode in laughs.

_

ok so I didn't know how to finish this... I hope it's finee. pls let me know if I wrote something wrong, english is not my first language and sometimes i get confused with the grammar. anygays enjoyyy💗

xoxo,

mills.

[elisysd]

Riptide – Vance Joy

Masterlist - Previously - Next Chapter

I swear she's destined for the screen Closest thing to Michelle Pfeiffer that you've ever seen

“Charles, hurry up! We’re going to be late for the airport!”

It was a rushed Lyanna who stumbled into the bathroom in search of her toiletries as Charles was enjoying a nice shower. Her hair was up in a messy bun and she was wearing a black sweatshirt and pants that were far too big for her. She busied herself looking in the drawers while Charles carefully got out of the shower, not wanting to slip.

“How are you not stressed out? Why?” she complained while he has wrapping himself in a towel.

“Lya. We are taking the jet. It won’t leave without us.” He told her.

It stopped her dead in her tracks. She turned to him, one hand on her hips, and stared at him from head to toe.

“Are you telling me that I’m stressing myself out since 5am this morning, to make sure that everything is in order because you told me that our flight was at ten, and you conveniently forgot to tell me that we were taking a freaking private jet? Are you kidding me?”

“Sorry? That’s why I’m not rushing. And you shouldn’t either. It’s supposed to be at ten but if it’s later it’s fine. That’s the advantage of private plane, love.” He jokingly explained.

“Ah ah, smartass. Sorry to not know how flying private works. Spare my poor mortal habits of flying economics.”

“Not even first class?” he asked genuinely surprised.

“A movie is not cheap to shoot, they make economy on what they can. So yeah, I’ve always flew economics. Do you seriously think that if had a choice between being comfortable with a free glass of champagne and being squeezed next to a crying baby and its mom, I would choose the baby?”

“Well see the good side of things, you are going to have a new experience today!”

He got closer to her as he started to take his toothbrush to brush his teeth, while Lyanna was going back and forth between the bathroom and her room, finishing to pack. Lyanna had not spoken of what had happened the day before, preferring to act as if nothing had happened. Charles had tried to find out how she was when they had woken up this morning, but the young woman had avoided his questions, pretending that everything was fine. She had then kept herself busy, tidying and cleaning. Tidying up was a way for her to feel in control and put her thoughts in order. It was her coping mechanism. Maybe not the healthiest but is was how she was handling things.

Folding her clothes, she didn't feel Charles come up to her from behind and pull her close to him. Surprised, she let out a little scream and turned around, giving the pilot's still damp torso a quick smack.

“Charles! You’re wet! And stop distracting me or we are never going to leave this flat!” she whined.

Not listening to his girlfriend's complaints and eager to annoy her some more, Charles pressed himself a little closer to her and placed both hands at the base of her neck. She was tense. Far too tense. Charles suspected that the prospect of officially meeting his family in a few hours' time and the previous evening had done nothing to ease the stress. Gently, but with an expert hand, he began to massage the area where the points of tension were most present, while placing a few kisses in Lyanna's hair. This drew a sigh of well-being from the young woman, who let herself go against Charles.

“Everything is going to be fine, love. I promise.” He reassured her.

“I know. I just… I want everything to be perfect you know. I want your family to like me.”

“They already like you. The only persons you don’t know are Lorenzo’s girlfriend and my mom and they are not hard people to please, you’ll see. Especially my mom.”

“How do you know?” she asked

“Because you make me really happy and that’s the only thing she wants. That’s how I know. So really, you don’t have to worry.”

Charles could feel her nodded against him. He moved away from her to get ready and let her finish packing. They soon left the flat and London for the airport. Lyanna felt a slight twinge of sadness as she closed the door behind her, as she did every time she left for a more or less fixed period of time.

“You sure you have everything?’ asked Charles.

“I think so yeah. What about you?”

“All good. You did not forget my birthday present?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, hum? Don’t worry, I have it on me.”

“On you, hum? It’s an invitation to temptation?”

“Absolutely not! Get your mind out of the gutter, Leclerc!” she replied while laughing.

Soon they were at the airport. The advantage of travelling on a private jet was that they could skip the queue altogether, so they didn't have to wait long between checking in their luggage and boarding the plane. The interior of the plane was immaculate. Not a single surface wasn't shiny. Lyanna was torn between a sense of awe and the fact that she really felt out of place. She sat down in one of the armchairs, her backpack on her knees. Charles sat down opposite to her, making himself comfortable. He was used to this style of travel, she was not, and she doubted she would ever get used to it. The flight attendant soon came to see them and told them that they would soon be taking off and that they had to fasten their seatbelts.

At this, Lyanna saw Charles swallow and turn slightly pale. She raised an eyebrow and as soon as the stewardess was away from them asked him if he was all right, to which Charles replied that he hated take-offs and always felt like he was going to throw up.

“Charming.” Replied Lyanna, getting from Charles a dark glance.

“Don’t laugh. It’s really not funny.”

“I’m not mocking you, I swear. I just find funny that you drive at 300km per hour and yet you’re scared or uncomfortable by such mundane things. It’s still weird to me.”

“I’m human Lya, not a machine. Of course I’m scared of some things. And for you record, I’m not scared of take-offs, I just don’t like them.”

They spent the two-and-a-half-hour flight playing Mario Kart on Charles's switch. And what a surprise it was when he discovered that not only was Lyanna good at the game, but that she had also beaten him by several dozen points.

“How? When? Why? It’s supposed to be an easy win for me! I’m the racer, I know everything about speed and trajectories and drifts! You don’t even have your driver’s license!”

“That’s the beauty of the game Charles! Mario Kart is not only a game where you need to be fast, if you don’t have the good strategies and if you don’t know how to manage your items, you’ll never win. And unfortunately for you, strategy was definitely not your strongest area. And for your information, I almost have five hundred hours of playing on this game.”

Lyanna knew that Charles was a competitor, but she didn't know he was a sore loser. He abandoned his controller in a rage before crossing his arms over his chest and staring obstinately out of the window. He looked like a child behaving that way. This amused Lyanna, who took great pleasure in teasing him and bragging. After a few minutes of sulking, Lyanna took pity on him and got up from her seat to sit on Charles's lap. He continued to ignore her, but she knew it was more to annoy her, his smirk betraying his true thoughts.

“Charles, come on. I’m sorry, next time I’ll let you win if it can make you feel better.”

“I want to win the right way; I don’t want to cheat. Maybe you could teach me some tricks, what do you think?”

“I would love to.”

They soon landed in Nice and once they had collected their luggage, headed for the exit where Joris was waiting for them.

“Lyanna, hey, long time no see. It’s good to see you!” he greeted her with a hug.

“Nice to see you too, Joris. It feels weird to be back here, honestly. Never thought I would come back this soon.”

“Who are you kidding, I think even if you didn’t come to Monza, we would have found our way to us. And I sure would have dragged you here.” Said Charles.

“Maybe, I don’t know. It is what it is, anyway.”

“So, I saw that you guys didn’t stay on the low in London.”

“Does the Daily Mail crossed the borders?” asked Charles

“Well, you guys have been trending on social media quite a lot. And there were a few Italian press articles. And also some from the Netherlands. I still don’t understand why to this day.”

“I know that I have a strong support in Netherlands, maybe it comes from there?” justified Lyanna.

“Hey Charles, look, your girlfriend has something in common with Max! Be careful.”

“It’s not Max he should be concerned with.” Announced Lyanna.

“What do you mean?” asked Charles suddenly.

“I know Lewis. Not that much but, last year we were attending the same events. We got to talked. He is a nice guy. I like him.”

“Ok, good to know. Joris remind me to not let her near the Mercedes hospitality. Or Alpine’s, I know for a fact that Pierre is trying to get her to support them. In fact, do not let her out of Ferrari’s hospitality. Handcuff her if you have too but do not let her out of your sight.”

“Hey! I’m right here and I hear you, mister! I’m still free to support anyone I want to. And what do you know about Pierre?” Lyanna teased him.

“He showed me the pictures he took of you in Monza. Just to spite me. And he was laughing his ass off this little piece of shit.”

Seeing Charles jealous amused Lyanna. He was cute. And she knew that he didn’t mean half the things he said. She trusted him, she knew that he would never forbidden her to befriend other drivers. The mischievous look in Charles' eyes and his hand offered to her to take confirmed that it was all just a joke.

“I'll drop you both off at Charles's. I'll still see you tomorrow, there are a couple of urgent things I need to talk to you about.” Joris said to Charles.

“Can’t it wait?” Charles asked with a wince.

“Not a chance, buddy. You left me three days on my own, trying to do damage control because you suddenly decided to run away from your sponsors duties and let me tell you they were not happy; You owe me big time.”

“It’s fine Charles. I have stuff to do as well.” Reassured him Lyanna.

Coming back to Charles's house made Lyanna feel funny. Memories of their last evening flooded back into her mind. She hardly dared enter, feeling like a stranger on the doorstep. And for the first time, she realised just how far she'd come. She was no longer the same Lyanna she had been when she arrived in Monaco. This realisation made her feel a little overwhelmed.

“Love, you okay?”

“Yeah. I think. It’s just… weird to be here. Considering what happened the last time I was in your apartment.”

“I see what you mean. Can I be honest with you?”

“Always.”

“I have bittersweet feelings about this night. I can’t help but tell myself that if had reacted faster when you kissed me, or if I had kissed you right there by the piano. Things would have been different. We would not have wasted so much time away from each other.”

“Maybe. But I don’t regret the way things happened. I needed to come to peace with the fact that I was not only seeing you as a friend, that there was something else between us. I needed to accept it. When I kissed you right here on this doorstep, I was frightened by my feelings and I acted impulsively without thinking things through. Back then I think that I was still not emotionally available for a relationship. I was still too in my head.  But when I came to Monza, I knew that it was because I was ready. My heart and my mind were at the right place at the same time.” Confessed Lyanna

“In any case, I’m glad to be here with you. I know we still have many things to overcome, it’s still early in the relationship, things will take time. But I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us.”

“Me too.”

======

author's note: New chapter to celebrate Ferrari's P4 & P5! As usual, all comments are welcomed! Or if you are too shy to comment, the ask box is made for that. Next chapter will be about about Lyanna officially meeting Charles' family and I can't wait for that to happen.

taglist: @zendayabelova @purplephantomwolf @ru-kru @dakotali @blueflorals @aundercover @ruleroftheuniverse @fangirlika @writerscurse @elijahmikaelsonbitch @leclerc13

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[creekschaoscorner]

Kid x Billy

MY BELOVEDS!!!!! This ship is so special to me, I’m so normal about them (lying). They’ve been so near and dear to my heart for such a long time, I honestly would probably consider them my favorite kindergarten ship. I like to write them as like… two deeply traumatized people, who care for eachother in a way that is sometimes messy but still at its heart sweet and tender. Kid has his self-loathing and his poor coping mechanisms that he makes everyone else’s problem, and Billy has his repressed anger and his inability to express his needs, and they’re bad at communicating and not always the best for eachother but they love eachother. In my highschool story they have their weekly movie nights that they swear aren’t dates and they cuddle on the couch and they love eachother!! And they like being around eachother!

[jjtheresidentbaby]

ok hi im the one that sent the teen wolf ask i forgot to specify! id love anything with a baby regressor stiles and maybe a caregiver sheriff stilinksi (he gets so much better throughout the seasons i swear) or caregiver derek! (both as platonic pairings) i hope u like the show ^^!!

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ protector ໒꒱ ⋆ﾟ⊹

|| stiles stilinski x derek hale | read on ao3

a/n: my insistent need to write sterek angst is showing whoops

warnings: Derek finding out about Stiles’ regression for the first time, hurt/comfort, Stiles using regression as a coping mechanism, protective Derek

-

Derek glances over at Stiles for the fifth time in the past minute, something's off with him, he's bouncing his leg and his heart beats as if he's on edge. It's not an emotion Hale picks up a lot from Stiles, anxious and nervous aren't words Derek would think to describe him at all, he's more energetic and curious than anything.

So it's raising quite a few red flags now. They're at Scott's house, trying to act normal and watch a movie like regular non-supernatural friends do. Lydia and Jackson are laid out on the makeshift bed on the floor next to Alison and Scott, there's a horror comedy going that the pairs seem very interested in. Isaac, Stiles and Derek take up the couch with Stiles in the middle.

Before the shift of Stiles’ behavior he was happily chuckling at the movie, giggling really, another thing Derek has never heard until tonight. Maybe he just hasn't been around Stiles long enough outside the near death experiences they share, Hale can't spend too much time dwelling on it as when a gruesome yet comical death pops up on screen Stiles curls back from the Tv.

He's closer to Derek than Isaac, who must've picked up on Stiles' actions and heartbeat as he keeps looking him over, presumably checking for injuries like Isaac usually does when someones acting off. Derek almost goes to ask Stiles if he's alright but he can't get the words out before Stiles is barreling himself backwards into Derek's chest.

"You okay?" Stiles doesn't say anything in reply but his heart rate has ticked up a significant amount and one of his hands grabs the loose material of Derek's t-shirt like a lifeline.

"Stiles?" He keeps his voice low, even if half the room can hear him if they wanted to no matter what. Stiles lets out a small whine, it twists something in Derek's chest, he suddenly has the urge to wrap Stiles up in a mountain of blankets and never let anything bad or scary come near him.

"Is it the movie?" Another flinch after a bloody scene and the pieces fall together, Derek curls his arm around Stiles to block out the Tv, practically shielding his whole body into Hales chest.

"Wanna leave." It's small, pitchy, unusually young sounding. It's all Derek needs to jump up with a sputtered out excuse about Stiles having a headache and needing a ride home, of course the other wolves sitting around hear how obvious of a lie it is but they thankfully keep their mouths shut.

-

Getting to Stiles' house takes no time at all, Noah's still at the office so Derek is able to slip them both upstairs without any interruptions. Stiles stays pressed to Hales side the whole time. As close as he can get while still using his legs to walk, or to drag, Derek holds most of Stiles' weight and takes them up the stairs as carefully as he can to not have either of them trip.

"Can you tell me what's going on now?" He tries to sound assuring, attempting to not let any of the worry that Derek can feel building in his gut appear on his face or in his tone.

"I feel- small." Stiles doesn't look up as he says it, squeezing the ball of Derek's shirt he still holds instead, pulling him the littlest bit closer despite the hesitation in his words.

"Small?" A beat passes of silence. Derek isn't sure what to do in this situation, he's never had someone hold onto him like this, clinging onto to him as if begging him not to leave.

His thoughts get pulled back to reality when Stiles leans over his bed, one hand still holding Derek's shirt so it stretches as he reaches with his free arm, retrieving a small book that he places slowly in Derek's lap.

It's clipped down with a small strip of cloth that's definitely needed as the book thickens up quickly when Derek un clasps it. The first few pages are warnings as to not continue reading as this is personal for Stiles, Derek flips past them when Stiles nudges him along, stopping him on a specific page. It's a list of definitions scribbled down in Stiles' handwriting, Derek focuses in on the one that reads 'Little (small)' there's a dash before it explains what an age regressor is, how it's a change in mental state, a coping mechanism.

Oh. Derek's eyes fall to Stiles' state, how curled in on himself he is, how his eyes have a slight gloss of pain to them; Hales heart all but shatters. He quickly pulls Stiles into his chest, pushing them back till they reach Stiles' headboard. He's hoping this is the right move. It feels like it and Stiles hasn't pushed him away yet, so Derek just holds him, taking in deep breaths in hopes that Stiles will naturally relax enough to match the pattern, and rubbing his hand in big circles over Stiles' back for extra comfort.

"The movie, it triggered you?" Stiles nods against Derek's chest, tucking his legs up on top of Hales, looking impossibly tiny as he lays on Derek.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Triggers aren't new to Derek, not in the slightest, but this is the first time he's ever seen something affect Stiles, normally the brunette is great at bouncing back and keeping things together, at least on the surface. But judging by the amount of pages in that book that are filled, this isn't a new feeling for Stiles.

"Stay, don't let the bad things get me." The young sound and vulnerability in Stiles voice is enough to crack Derek's heart open even more. He can't help but tug Stiles in closer, allowing Stiles to wrap his arms around Hales waist as he tucks his nose into Derek's shoulder.

"I'd never let anything get you, never." Hales hand brushes over Stiles' head, rest on the back of his neck a second, allowing himself to indulge in the softness of the moment. Normally Derek wouldn't dream of being this gentle with someone, frankly he's bad at it, but there's something about Stiles and how easily he cuddles into Derek's chest that makes it seem like a no-brainer to return the affection.

"You're a good protector." It's just barely a mumble, Stiles' eyes fluttering shut as he falls asleep.

Derek's pretty sure he doesn't breathe for a solid minute after hearing the words, he pretends like it doesn't make him tear up a bit and instead focuses on holding Stiles as carefully as he can so the little doesn’t wake up and keeping watch of the door. If Stiles doesn’t want anything bad to happen and he trusts Derek to keep sure of that, it’s all he going to do.

-

[yunomagic]

Every single way Luz Noceda and Movie Sonic are similar (and why i think they should be besties)

These two are genuinely my moods, my kins, and my children and i actually do think they would be besties and its all gonna make sense in a minute i swear. Do be warned that this may be incoherent cuz I am like that, and that some things might’ve been said wrong. The elaborations are in no particular order and some explanations may be longer than others. ALSO this contains spoilers for both The Owl House and the Sonic Movies so if you haven’t watched one or both of em please do so when you can and come back to this. anyways Here we go:

Both resemble the archetype of a bubbly and kindhearted goofball of a protagonist that can be naive and/or impulsive at times during the time they first debuted

^^^ As they get older and as their stories progress, they start to mature and learn from what they experienced on their adventures

Both have dealt with a form of parental loss during an early part of their childhood ( Manny Noceda for Luz, and Longclaw for Sonic )

Both use escapism methods as coping mechanisms to compensate for their traumatizing childhood

( Luz indulges in TGWA books or fiction in general, and it’s implied she also does amvs and art, which can be interpreted as both hobbies and stress relievers. As for Sonic, he indulges in comic books like The Flash and pretends to be a part of Tom and Maddie’s family so he doesn’t feel so alone )

Both children were alone for a majority of their life and didn’t have any real friends until they found them in different worlds ( In the Boiling Isles, Luz ends up finding Eda, King, Gus, Willow and eventually, Amity. On Earth, Sonic ends up finding Tom and Maddie Wachowski, b4 meeting Tails and Knuckles later down the line )

Both strive to feel appreciated and accepted, and they execute it in similar ways

( Luz making grand gestures and extreme antics [like the snakes and the spiders in ep 1] to try and impress her classmates and Sonic trying to be a hero to make Longclaw proud, and to possibly gain acceptance from other humans )

^^^ As a result, both of their methods are seen as reckless and dangerous

Note: At this point in the ramble, the mobile version of tumblr won’t allow me to add more images cuz of a 10 image limit and I can’t figure out how to add more on desktop. So any evidence I provide is gonna be in quotes, parenthesis or paragraphs of elaboration. I’m so sorry there’s gonna be no visual flavor, if anyone can help me find a loophole that’d be great. Anyways back to the show:

Both pin the blame on themselves for things that weren’t their fault, and push themsleves to right what they believe they did wrong… by rushing into immediate danger ( can also be seen as some form of people pleasing behavior )

Both of them also refuse to accept any sort of help from the people who care about them

^^^ When Eda got captured trying to save Luz near the end of season 1, Luz’s plan was to straight up rescue her while being fully aware of the risks. This repeats again in season 2, episode 1 with the entire premise of the episode being that luz feels like a burden and is the cause of Eda losing her magic and everyone in the owl house financially struggling. Going all out to fight a selkiedomus in order to free Eda and king.

While Eda talks to Luz about it, the behavior doesn’t stop. Carrying over to Hollow Mind, and the episodes after that. If you know what happened in Hollow Mind, we’d know that Luz is now adamant on stopping Belos and the Day of Unity. While still being aware of the risks, she believes that she’s the sole reason for the Day of Unity happening, therefore she continued to risk her life in order to save others

“Please try to understand, Eda was in the situation because of me. Because of my stupid choice, I have to make up for it.” - Young Blood, Old Souls

“Because you stuck with me you lost your magic, you almost got turned to stone, and now you can’t even afford your apple blood because you’re worried about what I need to eat.” - Separate Tides

“I am NOT hiding, I’m going to stop Belos from completing the draining spell.” - O Titan, Where Art Thou

In the second act of sonic movie 2, Tails gets knocked unconscious by Robotnik and Sonic narrowly saves him in the nick of time b4 an avalanche could envelope them. Near the beginning of the movie, during the boat scene, the blue blur had a talk with Tom about how being a hero meant to take responsibility for other people. As Sonic accidentally caused chaos in Seattle for trying to stop a robbery and be a hero. It’s also implied that this has been happening more than once. One of the things Tom said to Sonic was, “You put people in danger and that’s not what a hero does.”

^^^ This statement indirectly affected Sonic’s way of thinking. While said with good intentions, as a result of what happened to Tails, Sonic believes that he needs to make up for what he did wrong by pursuing Knuckles and Robotnik for the master emerald. Thus, he thinks he’s automatically no longer a hero once a new friend of his almost died

( It should be worth mentioning that there was some visible regret in Tom’s face when he realized that he made sonic think that way. It’s also possible that Sonic blames himself for Longclaw’s death, the first movie also explicitly states that Sonic’s number one fear is hurting people because of being himself. Making the boat scene, what Tom said, AND what Sonic says next, extremely deep and depressing )

“You see that little fox over there? He came all the way across the universe to meet his hero, and what did his hero do? I practically got him killed! You were right, my moment came, and I blew it. I’m no hero.”

Key takeaways of these moments is that this is the kind of mindset both these kids have is somewhere along the lines of, “I accidentally made a mistake = Everything is my fault and I should take the blame and all responsibility for it no matter what other people tell me.”

^^^ This kind of thinking is reminiscent to people pleasing behavior and is v self-destructive. While Luz is undoubtedly a people pleaser, Sonic seems to be more of a subtle kind of people pleaser

Both kids may be afraid of rejection and/or abandonment due to past trauma

Both kids were forced to be sent away at some point in their childhood. The reasons and the circumstances differ, but the incidents were similar. In the end, it resulted in both Sonic and Luz not liking the idea of being sent away, even if it’s for their own safety

Both kids feel the need to become something or someone else in order to feel accepted by other people ( Luz wanting to become a witch in season 1 and Sonic wanting to become a hero in sonic movie 2 )

Both kids were forced into thinking that they are the problem or that they are a burden and danger to everybody around them. Just because they are being themselves.

^^^ Thus, they think that the solution is for them to either leave permanently or to never exist at all ( Luz initially planned to stay in the human realm and was vocal about her possible suicidal thoughts. Sonic planned on leaving Earth because that’s what Longclaw told him to do and he believed he would cause harm the longer he stays )

^^^ Luz says, “Who cares, about the RIPPLE effects? He was just a pawn in someone else’s game! A-And he was NEVER smart enough to realize it! If his friends and family knew about his existence… they’d know that their lives wouldn’t be in danger if it weren’t for HIM! They should hate his guts! And it would be better— if he literally, never EXISTED!” - Season 3, Thanks To Them

^^^ Sonic says, “I don’t wanna go, but I can’t stay. As long as I’m here, I put everyone in danger… I can’t do that.” - Sonic The Hedgehog 1

They’re both ridiculously selfless to the point where they won’t hesitate to sacrifice themselves under any sorr of circumstances

In the season 2 finale, King’s Tide, as the Boiling Isles is torn apart by the Collector, Luz intended to leave herself behind to keep the portal open with plant glyphs so Amity, Gus, Willow and Hunter can go through to the human realm. Luz also wanted to go find Eda, instead of heading for safety

On the other hand, during the final battle with Robotnik, Sonic wanted Tom and Maddie to get away from him in exchange for THEIR safety because he knows what Robotnik wants. It’s also possible that Sonic wants the Wachowski’s to get away from him because he can’t handle the idea of them dying because of him. The same way Longclaw did all those years ago

What both of these scenes have in common is that there’s this whole thing with families trying to stick together and the kids trying to participate in altruistic sacrifice. Which is very dark imo

Ultimately, the core of both of their stories and characters is that they both long to be understood and accepted by the people around them

OKAY— so i believe im done here, but there’s definitely more and i just forgor about it, and that there are some parts that are missing or i havent explained thoroughly. And it is getting late and this thing has been sitting in my drafts and i wanted to get this posted. But i do believe that these characters would get along super well, as they both have the similar demeanors and similar stories. (Insert that one barbie song /jjj) If these two met, they would either ramble, read each others comics, or commit crimes together /hj. I gave no doubt that ever met, their friendship would be instantaneous and strong. Anyways, imma head to bed, you guys can do whatever you want with rhe info i provided. Nighty night

[laidee-flegman]

Journal prompts for dealing with your triggers

What's that one thing that never fails to make your eye twitch? Describe it in all its triggering glory.

When did you first notice this trigger creeping into your life? Was it like a ninja in the night or more of a "bam, I'm here" situation?

Give your trigger a name. Go on, get creative with it. Something like Captain Cringe or Drama Llama. Own that trigger, fam!

How does this trigger manifest physically? Sweaty palms? Eye rolling so hard you can see the back of your head? Paint us a vivid picture.

Dig deep and uncover the root cause. What childhood trauma or embarrassing moment might be hanging out in the shadows, pulling the trigger strings?

Think about the last time this trigger ruined your day. What happened, and how did you react? Were there tears? Swearing? A dramatic exit?

On a scale from 1 to "I need therapy ASAP," how much does this trigger control your life?

Imagine your trigger is a character in a movie. Who would play it, and what would its catchphrase be?

List three situations where this trigger is most likely to pop up uninvited. Prepare yourself, Sherlock, we're going detective mode.

If your trigger had a theme song, what would it be? Bonus points if you can hum it while writing.

Flip the script! How can you reframe your thoughts when this trigger comes knocking? Turn that negativity into a comedy show, my friend!

Explore your coping mechanisms. Do you drown your sorrows in ice cream, or are you more of a scream-into-a-pillow kind of person?

Have a heart-to-heart with your trigger. What would you say to it if it were sitting right in front of you? Get sassy if you need to.

Reflect on a time when you conquered this trigger like a superhero. What powers did you unleash to defeat the villain?

Create a "Trigger Emergency Kit" – a go-to list of things that make you happy and distract you from the trigger madness. (Hint: Puppies and pizza are solid options.)

If your trigger were a meme, what would it look like? Embrace the meme magic, my friends.

Channel your inner therapist. What advice would you give your bestie if they were dealing with this trigger?

Journal your dream scenario: You, your trigger, and a boxing ring. Who wins, and how epic is the victory dance?

Share your trigger struggles with a friend. You're not alone in this, and sometimes a good laugh with a buddy is the best medicine.

Write a letter to your future self, giving them tips on how to handle the trigger like a boss.

Map out a "No BS" plan for dealing with the trigger next time it shows its face. No excuses, just action!

What would your favorite fictional character do in the face of this trigger? WWJD (What Would James Bond Do)?

Explore the silver lining. Is there anything positive you can extract from this trigger experience? Growth, resilience, a killer stand-up routine?

Imagine your trigger as a superhero origin story. What traumatic event turned it into the complex character it is today?

Create a mantra to repeat when the trigger strikes. Something like "Not today, Satan!" but tailored to your unique situation.

Draw a comic strip illustrating a day in the life of you versus your trigger. Spoiler alert: You're the superhero.

Journal your progress. Have there been moments when this trigger had less power over you? Celebrate those victories, no matter how small!

Write a breakup letter to your trigger. It's time to kick that toxic relationship to the curb.

Explore the possibility that your trigger is secretly your BFF in disguise, just trying to toughen you up. What valuable life lessons is it attempting to teach?

Reflect on how you want to grow beyond this trigger. What kind of badass version of yourself will emerge from the trigger ashes?

[olivieblake]

hello i hope you're doing well ! i'm writing to you because i'm slightly in desperate need of big sistering <3 i started college this year, a fancy liberal arts degree from a fancy liberal arts college for maximum pretentiousness and unemployment opportunities. this is quite everything i have ever dreamed of; i've been interested in humanities ever since i was a child, i used to be The Humanities/Arts Kid, among all my classmates who were much more career oriented/engineers/doctors. the only issue now is that i am now surrounded by all the Humanities/Arts Kids of their respective schools and i feel so hopelessly out of my depth here. i've always been the Kid Who Knows Stuff and now everybody i know knows stuff, and they know more stuff than i do. this is sending me into a slighttt identity crisis because i dont know what my aRchetype (?) i anymore?). like, what do people come to me for anymore? there's only so long i can continue to trick people into thinking i know things. (on a side note, we're also noticing a huge leap in sounding soooo self deprecating, because somehow i thought the way to solve this was by upfront claiming to everyone that While Yes, I Do Have Some Abilities And Strengths, It's Not Quite Enough And You Can Find Like Five Other People Who Can More, which a. is quite annoying to have to hear 24/7, and b. while my self esteem for now is quite protected and these are just jOkes, it's a very slippery slope, but i am, uh, working, on this? i think)

ahahahaha love this. and I get it! it's alarming to find out you're not as individual as you thought you were (many movies and books about precisely this, and I might actually recommend Orange County, which I recently rewatched and is perhaps not Great Cinema but there are two mirrored scenes that are just perfection in terms of expectations vs reality). college is a great place for finding yourself, not reinforcing your archetype. high school/adolescence is about learning to move with the herd in the interest of survival, and in some ways finding your archetype is a coping mechanism for feeling ostracized. it contributes to the mythology of yourself. but the world is much bigger than you or the place you came from, and part of becoming an adult is figuring out who you actually want to be (and in some cases being disappointed by who you actually are, but save that particular crisis for your late twenties)

for right now, just be open to who you are in all your facets. you're about to grow so much!! say yes to everything that sounds interesting to you. I mean that. be busy. be overstimulated. do things. meet people. talk. argue. seek the things that make your mind buzz. do not define yourself by your constraints or by the outlines that other people make for you. it's about to get sooooooo much more interesting, I swear