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yukirayu · 2 years ago

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A Haunting Shadow, a Drifting Ghost (A Meta about Madarame)

In this thread, I'll be looking into when and why Madarame shows himself to Towa, and all other things related to it. (This is also available on Google Docs, if you want to read it there instead for convenience.)

I'll start by saying the following:

I love Madarame, and I find him to be a very interesting character. That being said, I also get why many don’t like him. And for this meta, I'm not wearing a pair of rose-tinted glasses when I analyze him and I’ll say things as they are.

Everything you see here is only my opinion. I do my best to explain based on what the visual novel showed us, but we still all have a different way of interpreting things.

By the time I made this meta, the progress of the translation of Madarame’s drama CD has only been on the first track, so some things here may likely have been discredited there. But based on the little I can infer from what I had listened, what’s covered in the drama CD isn’t likely to coincide much with what I’ll discuss here, but then again, I could be wrong.

If I quote anything from the visual novel, I opted to rephrase it into third-person POV because that’s how it originally read in the JP version anyway, and doing so helps provide more objectivity.

Be warned that there are spoilers abound here, so be warned before you read any further because if you have not yet gotten to his route, I advise that you play his route - or rather - that you finish all the routes first before reading this.

And with that…

Setting the Stage for Madarame’s Appearance

Madarame’s Route

When we all first played Taku and Rei's routes, we at least got to see Fujieda. But no signs of Madarame at all; at most, just a few mentions of his name. His route does answer why, eventually, but... not entirely.

In Madarame's route, what happens differently? Ikuina commits suicide.

This alone changes the atmosphere of the rest of the route, since it greatly affects both Towa's mood and his relationship with Taku and Rei. Both always had reservations with what Towa does as the artist 'euphoria', but besides patching up his wounds and the occasional lecture, it was more or less a normal routine for them. At least until Ikuina, because before him, none of the previous models died.

It's why they become a lot more grave and cautious with their approach to Towa, because they feel that he may have started to take his tendencies too far. At the same time, however, Towa is overcome with an itching urge that he cannot fathom, let alone figure out how to quell.

Both clash like oil and water, and it results in Towa drifting further away from Taku and Rei even though they try (and fail) to help him. They mean well, but they don't know the best way to help him, or even just how to get through to him.

And so, Towa is on his own.

The final route hints that Towa was overwhelmed with a frustration that neither violence nor sex can truly sate because he's actually bothered by the fact that he, in a way, took a life.

But he never realizes this, because he needs to remember his past in order to do so. And his own subconscious is determined to keep certain memories hidden and forgotten. So without an answer, and with every day that he can't get an answer, a release, or any form of support (that he wouldn’t reject), Towa becomes more frustrated and vulnerable in equal measure.

Even the bar manager comments on how Towa starts to look more like his old self using the same word: vulnerable.

Because some things play differently, Towa never ends up getting curious about his past (or more specifically, his childhood), so his thoughts remain hazy as long as his mind lacks something to focus on.

Shortly after, he is suddenly handed over a red windproof lighter, which hints to him that Madarame - after years of being presumed dead - is actually alive. With this and the rumors of a “ghost” that’s been haunting the Deathmatch Area, Towa easily puts two and two together.

Like his childhood in Euphoria, Madarame is also a part of Towa’s past that he would rather forget. In this case, however, it's a more conscious decision, rather than an unconscious one brought about by his mental trauma trying to keep his sanity intact. As such, while it doesn't exactly help abate that discontent inside him, wondering whether Madarame is really alive or not still (in a way) did its job in keeping his mind preoccupied on something else.

In time, it would soon lead to when Madarame eventually shows himself to Towa.

Fujieda’s Route

In Fujieda's route, Towa is in a similarly miserable situation, though it has less to do with his model committing suicide (which he doesn't even learn of until much much later), and more with the mental stress he starts to suffer from after receiving a package containing relics of his childhood.

While the effect of the change of events on Towa��s relationship with Taku and Rei are nowhere near as bad, there's nevertheless some distance between them in the last route that leaves Towa (mostly) on his own. This is because this time around, one can't help him while the other won't help him with what he wants.

In Rei's case, it's only because he doesn't know what's going on and thus truly can't be of much help to Towa even though he wants to. But even then, he has his own problems to deal with, namely his father and being burdened with the man’s debt. As for Taku, Towa finds out that Taku knows more about his past... but is determined to keep it a secret at all costs, and not even any threats or call-outs will get him to spill anything. And we all know how Towa responded to that.

Unlike before, Towa knows why he’s in a state of unrest this time. Someone out there is compelling him to dig up his past, but the voices in his head tell him something which echoes what Taku also told him: “There are some things you’re better off not remembering.”

And again, he tries to quell his frustrations with violence and sex, by either picking a fight, or sleeping around with whoever’s willing to give it to him. However, while he’s left to his own devices, he has a clear-cut goal in his mind. He has a focus. He’s still vulnerable, but he’s not completely lost this time.

Even then, just like before, Madarame leaves a hint to Towa that he’s still alive. And naturally, Towa also gets concerned about Madarame’s presence. But his interest in knowing more about his younger years and about his mother overshadows that concern.

Heck, even the visual novel outright tells us (through Sakaki) that everything about Madarame will be on the back-burner in this route. If anything, the man only gets to hog the spotlight for five minutes maximum, as we all know.

And even before he shows up, Towa had already gone through many vicissitudes in his journey to uncover more about his childhood. So by the time Madarame shows up, the only reason why his presence really alarms Towa (besides the standard shock at how Madarame isn’t really dead) is because he has endangered not just Taku, but also Rei.

That, and it doesn’t take too long for him to vanish as quickly as he showed up.

The (Other) Reason behind Madarame’s Presence

“If you were too far gone, then I had no intention of involving myself with you.”

Is basically the answer to why Madarame never appears in Taku and Rei’s routes.

However, this answer is only a half-truth.

Some of his remarks confirmed that he had - to some degree - checked on Towa a few times, and there is proof for this. While it’s easy to miss, there are instances in the earlier parts of the game where Towa pauses and looks around, feeling like he’s being watched.

Towa’s usually right on the money whenever he feels like someone’s stalking him, so it’s highly likely that someone was watching him from a distance. That being said, we never know who it is, and the visual novel never confirms it either. Based on everything we know by the endgame, it could be Eiji keeping tabs on Towa for Sakaki. It could also be someone from the Takasato-gumi trailing Towa on Toono’s orders (at least, if you take Taku’s route). Or it could be Madarame, trying to see for himself if Towa has lost his fangs.

And there are two scenes which further support Madarame’s statement about how he has stalked Towa at some point.

One is the additional cutscene during an Exploration, which you get after completing Taku’s route and gives you the additional Clue needed to get Madarame’s route. Before bumping into Sakaki in said cutscene, Towa took notice of something… or someone else.

While Towa was on his way to Roost, he caught sight of a guy slipping away from a crowd. He recognized that man. His restless gait carried him toward an alley.

He didn't get a good look at the man’s face, but he was sure he knew him.

But right as Towa was about to follow him...

The other is a scene from Taku’s route. While Towa and Rei are having a meal outside, Rei points out that someone’s been watching them from across the diner, but neither he nor Towa could see the guy’s face, what with it hiding behind a newspaper.

With a tense look on his face, Rei set down his spoon and leaned across the table to whisper.

"Do you know that person? The one reading the newspaper?"

Towa followed Rei's gaze to the counter, where a man sat while reading the paper. He had it spread out so widely, Towa couldn't see his face.

"Is he a friend of yours?"

Towa, "No..."

"Well, he keeps peeking at us from behind the paper. When I looked back at him, he went straight back to 'reading'... but he's still been glancing at us. ….What's his deal? Is he a stalker?"

Towa scrutinized the man at the counter, but he never looked up from his paper. Then he rose to his feet, paid his bill, and left the diner.

[...]

More importantly, who was that man just now? If Rei was to be believed, then he was watching them for some reason.

And it wouldn't be the first time a fan of 'euphoria' stalked Towa. In that case, it would mean he really was watching Towa.

...No, he could be overthinking it. It was entirely possible the man wasn't even looking at them on purpose.

Given that Towa would recognize Madarame’s face even years later, if the mysterious stalker is Madarame, it would make sense for him to keep Towa from seeing his visage.

In Taku and Rei’s routes, Towa never really suffers any special stress-induced episodes that make him go on his own version of a rampage. He just lives life like he always had, and only gets involved in either Taku or Rei’s troubles later on. So in Madarame’s eyes, Towa - being at peace (for the most part) and not really in the mood to bash in some skulls - is “too far gone”, which is why he’s absent on both routes and is only mentioned in passing a few times.

But that’s the thing. Besides the injuries he got from his sessions with Ikuina and Asakura/Kirihara, Towa is none the worse for wear. And this is enough cause for Madarame to decide to not bother with Towa any longer in the first two routes.

What’s easy to miss here is that it’s not just about Towa lacking his old rebellious streak. Madarame isn’t just trying to see if Towa has already lost all traces of his old self or not. He’s also on the lookout for something else.

When Madarame told Towa on what basis he went with to decide whether or not he would go after Towa, he still omitted something.

What was that part he kept quiet about? Besides the mental and emotional state Towa is in, that question can be answered with another question: what did Towa still have in both routes that slowly erodes and disappears in Madarame’s route?

A support system.

In other words, someone to rely on. Someone who he subconsciously trusts and can go to. Someone to look out for him at the end and at the start of the day.

And it’s hard to say that he still has that in Madarame’s route; since while Taku and Rei do want to help him, with Towa pushing them away even before Madarame entered the picture, he may as well have had no one left.

In Fujieda’s route, he’s still on his own, but the circumstances are different. Again, Rei - besides not being able to do much for Towa - has an issue of his own to handle. Taku already has his whole ordeal with Toono - but being caught red-handed as a secret-keeper of Towa’s past ended up adding fuel to the fire, leaving Towa alone in his pursuit of his past. And until much later in the game, Fujieda is no more than a distant and reluctant ally.

Still, in Madarame’s eyes, in (at least) the early parts of the last route, Towa appears isolated and left without anyone to rely on. Not to mention, he’s in a near-helpless situation because of the strain he’s in from attempting to unearth a dark chapter of his past. Hence why, even though Madarame didn’t “bump into” Towa to test whether Towa was still someone who could punch back after being punched, still left a clue that he’s alive.

So to sum up, Madarame only reveals his presence to Towa if the following conditions are met:

✓ Towa has traces of his spunkier and younger self

✓ Towa is distant from his friends

✓ Towa is alone and vulnerable

Option: Pursue or Abandon?

Note: If I sound redundant by this point, it’s because I’ve already more or less discussed this topic in another meta I previously made where I compared and contrasted Madarame and Taku. I’m just going into more detail in this particular meta (or at least, I think I am).

Prelude: Yet Another Reason

So there’s the matter of when Madarame reveals himself to Towa. But there’s also the matter of whether he continues going after Towa or not.

I listed a while ago the three conditions that needed to be met in order for Madarame to make his presence known to Towa. Again, to make his presence known.

Even after he and Towa meet face-to-face, Madarame’s hunt is far from over. He’s still gauging the situation. There’s still something else that he’s observing.

In other words, as for whether he will continue pursuing Towa or decide to give it up, a secret fourth condition needs to be met.

This is something that he can gauge from when he first shows up in both his and Fujieda’s routes.

In his own route, it’s only a given that he goes all in. In Fujieda’s route, he calls it quits instead. For the latter case, it’s only natural because he’s not the love interest there, but that’s not all.

In the scene where he appears in the Deathmatch Area, there are a lot of interesting things to observe up to when Madarame suddenly decides to just make his leave, since they all lend credence to what I said earlier: that Madarame wasn’t telling the complete truth when he told Towa that he’d only find him worth going after if he still had his old fighting spirit.

Looking at his route alone, it is hard to see what other motive Madarame would have, given that the route would mention how he’s a man who’s true to his desires. He seems collected, sure, but his mercurial nature is also reflected in how he does whatever he pleases whenever he feels like it. He’s not a man of restraint, either in his actions or in his words.

But it doesn’t mean he’s someone who would never lie for his own benefit.

As discussed in the meta I mentioned earlier, there was when he tells nothing to Towa about his past in his route, only hinting that Taku knows something but is keeping it from him… but then he does the opposite in Fujieda’s route. He doesn’t tell everything, but what he does reveal to Towa is enough for him (and Fujieda) to make progress with their investigation.

Given that Towa becomes distressed upon learning the truth, but the full scope or just a partial detail, it’s strongly hinted that whether Madarame divulges anything or not is done with the same goal. Since Towa’s investigation of his past results in some distance between him and Taku and Rei, Madarame seeks to sever those bonds completely.

This makes up one half of that secret fourth condition. As for the other half, we’ll have to cover a few other points first.

First Encounter: The When, Where and How

To get there, let’s first recall in detail the setting of when Towa and Madarame first meet face-to-face in both routes, and I’m not just talking about the room they’re in. This is important.

In Madarame’s route, Towa was forced to meet with whoever called him alone. He had no choice since Taku was held hostage, and the caller made it clear that Taku is as good as dead if Towa tries anything funny. So Towa does as he’s told… and gets knocked out. When he comes to and realizes that the culprit is Madarame, Towa also finds that he is in one of the many dilapidated buildings of District A, and is in chains too. He’s alone and powerless, with no one else to turn to or call for help.

In Fujieda’s route, Taku is held hostage as well. But it just so happens that Rei had also encountered Madarame, since he was acting on the Takasato-gumi’s orders at the time. And both are present when Towa shows up, so even though Towa still is at a disadvantage, he isn’t on his own, especially not after Fujieda tracks him down.

The difference of the situation also shows the stark difference of the chances Madarame has in getting what he’s after.

In his route, he’s the only one Towa interacts with, hence it’s easy for him to poke and prod Towa (by that I mean punch and pin down), and the more Towa gives in to Madarame’s provocations, the easier it is for Madarame to string him along and manipulate him. Yes, Madarame can be manipulative, and he has proven to be such. This is a fact, no matter how much we may like him.

In Fujieda’s route, however, he doesn’t have much of an opportunity to do that to Towa. He can still fan the flames, but with the other three love interests being there to protect Towa regardless of the condition they’re in, Madarame doesn’t have much freedom of movement, for lack of a better word.

You can say that the aforementioned details only point back to the part I said about Towa either having a support system or not. But besides that, what else stands out?

It’s whether Towa is on the way to recovery, or to regression.

In Love with Your Wounds, Physical and Mental

It’s hinted early on that there’s a story behind Towa’s scars and it’s not just because he finds it fun. His brand of masochism doesn’t come without a reason either. When we first played the visual novel, we all anticipated at some point that it would be from something traumatic, and true enough, Fujieda’s route confirmed it as such.

To sum up, just to make my point later much clearer, his mother allowed him to be tortured and violated and mutilated, and it resulted in his masochism, which is his means to both cope with something that he suffered (even if he cannot remember) and to gain autonomy.

What do I mean by autonomy? As Fujieda explained (albeit with different words), all those times Towa was cut and beaten and raped, he had no control. But if he sought it out and tried to find entertainment and pleasure in it, he could then say that any violence inflicted on him was done on his own terms.

Besides that, there’s one other thing I should point out. When Maya died, Towa’s personality changed and led him to become wilder and more volatile. A short story even confirmed that his sudden switch of demeanor happened right after Maya’s death, since before that, he was timid and well-behaved. Not to mention, it was when Towa’s personality was more turbulent in nature that he got recruited into the Takasato-gumi, which is likely when he and Madarame also met each other.

When they got to know each other more. Even if, most of the time, they ended up fighting, and I mean that in both senses of the word.

Now, Madarame made it pretty clear that he wants Towa to be like how he remembered him. Like how he used to be when he was at the gang. Or, in other words, when Towa was at his most damaged.

And speaking of damage, let’s bring up the shootout that resulted in Kaga’s death and the loss of one of Towa’s eyes. Towa had admitted that the experience had left him a bit more detached. This is confirmed not just in Madarame’s route, but in Taku’s route as well.

From Madarame’s route:

Madarame: Since the day I came back to Shinkoumi, I've been watching you. You'll take a hit, but you won't fight back. You're like a worn-out punching bag. So what changed you?

Towa: ...It was that fight that made me stop caring about anything. I lost Kaga, I lost my eye, I lost you... and this is what's left.

And from Taku’s route:

Towa thought back to that day. To that shootout that cost him his right eye.

Taku had his ruptured eyeball removed at Shinkoumi General Hospital.

Towa personally didn’t miss it much, but the experience still had changed him on a subconscious level.

One can argue that Towa only says that he feels he had nothing left after the shootout because, by that point, he had chosen to keep his distance from Taku and Rei out of the belief that he no longer belongs with them and that only Madarame could understand him. But either way, that experience had undoubtedly affected him.

And yet, even then, he still had friends who had his back. Even though they couldn’t really give him the proper support that he needed to fully resolve his trauma, they still could help keep him on the right track… more or less. So Towa, while not exactly doing too great, is still doing relatively better than before.

While his journey to find his past is taking a toll on him in the physical, emotional and mental sense in the true route, it is established in the Euphoria ending that what awaits him once he’s confronted the ghosts of his past is closure and recovery and self-fulfillment.

All of which he is the farthest away from in Madarame’s route.

The Punchline?

All this, leads up to the latter half of fourth condition, to what Madarame ultimately wants from Towa. The first three only make him interested in showing himself to Towa, and the fourth is what will determine whether he continues going after Towa.

You may ask, why does he even want Towa even after all those years? One reason is that he loves Towa, or at least a certain version of Towa, because he feels that the most damaged and violent kind of Towa validates his own existence.

“I love the look in your eye when you come at me again and again. You don't flinch away; you always come back begging for more. You're like me: deep down, you revel in fighting to the death, and nothing else matters to you.”

“We're perfectly compatible.”

“With you, [I’ll never get bored].”

“I’ll never get bored.”

No matter what kind of person you are, it’s almost always a given that you want at least one other person who would understand you. More often than not, that person has to be someone who mirrors you, who shares your viewpoints. And even someone like Madarame wasn’t immune to having that desire.

In fact, his Madness ending only even happens because by being asked way too many questions, he felt that Towa had failed to become that person he wants him to be if he can’t understand him from the get-go, from just a look or a few words. And that reason was apparently more than enough to set him off and drive him over the edge.

Though that aside, as I said before, Madarame knew he could only have the kind of Towa that he wants if Towa never comes anywhere close to resolving his trauma–which Madarame is sure to know about, even to a degree.

No matter how he got to know about Euphoria, whether he knew it for a long time or because Eiji told him years later, he still knew about it. Anyone who knows Towa and that much about him can draw the connection between what went on in the mansion, the fact that Towa came from there, and why he was the self-destructive masochist that he is at present. Or in other words, the person Madarame knew him as.

Yet, the brutal and tragic truth is, Madarame prefers him that way.

Based on the interactions I’ve seen on Twitter or on Discord, many of us are in agreement that whether we like the two as a pairing or not, Towa and Madarame are undoubtedly the kind of couple that are unhealthy for each other and bring out the worst of each other, but that’s also why they’re so compatible. Even if it’s only when Towa is at his lowest and at his worst and most destructive.

Final Decision: Abandon (Fujieda’s Route)

As such, Madarame has no interest in Towa not only if Towa can’t go back to his more aggressive self. When Madarame says “Guess you’ve changed,” a part of that sentence is kept quiet and unspoken. He actually meant to say,

“Guess you’ve changed for the better.”

Even in Fujieda’s route, Towa still gets to show that he has some bite by fighting back against Madarame. However, he fought back to protect someone else. That alone clued in Madarame on the fact that the Towa in front of him is getting further and further from the vulnerable and dangerous yet damaged goods that he remembered him being.

With him having people to care for him, with him caring enough about people to willingly take a hit to protect them and not because he was trying to seek getting destroyed inside out, Madarame already can get the hint that Towa is, in his eyes, a lost cause.

Even in the other routes, where Towa doesn’t face his past, he’s still bound to head to a better place, both mentally and emotionally. But it’s a place Madarame would rather not be, and where he and Towa would be more incompatible.

So, he loses interest and gives up, and thus makes his leave. Towa is no longer in his mind for another minute, neither is he given much thought by Towa anymore.

Final Decision: Pursue (Madarame’s Route)

Of course…. none of the things above happen in Madarame’s route, where he has the opportunity to continue, chooses to continue, and thus gets the outcome he wants, without anyone to get in his way. At most, the others also end up being pawns in his game with Towa.

In the penultimate route, Towa is completely at Madarame’s mercy. But credit where credit is due, because it’s not as if Towa immediately surrenders. In fact, he still struggles and attempts to resist. But there’s so much that even he can do against a man who is indomitable and not just because he has the strength of ten men.

Towa knows that he cannot get a read on Madarame, which is more than enough for the man to be able to wrap him around his finger. He knows this, and thus tries his best to not fall into the other’s trap. However, Madarame knows him all too well. Or at the very least, since Madarame only focuses on a specific version of Towa, knows what makes the younger man tick. And before Towa realizes it, Madarame has already got him, hook, line, and sinker, with every beating he would inflict, and every provocation he would give.

Towa knew Madarame was goading him. If the man would go ahead and treat him like a plaything, he could get into that. But no—he wanted Towa to voluntarily do so, to which he didn’t want to. And yet...

Deep down, Towa got a thrill out of it. He was at his limits, physically and mentally... and as a result, he had no more self-control.

Madarame was capable of giving him the pleasure he wanted. They were a perfect match. Towa’s body was well aware of this, and it found the temptation hard to refuse.

Madarame punched without hesitation. He fought to kill. And he enjoyed the violence from the bottom of his heart. Even if it resulted in his own death, he didn't care. Naturally, he didn't care if his opponent died, either. That was the kind of game he played.

His desires matched Towa’s on a fundamental level. It was impossible for Towa to not be able to relate.

Still, Towa didn't want to let him win. It was because Towa could relate that he refused to take Madarame's orders. He admitted that a long time ago, he felt comfortable in Madarame’s presence.

But even then... too much time had passed. Towa had changed. He didn't want to be his pet. He just wanted to exist.

Even as Towa feels resentful and angry about how helpless he is, that trauma-induced masochism rooted in his being also starts to crave the pain, the violence and the humiliation because all of them are what he has been used to for a long time.

Unlike now, he was only occasionally exposed to such things in the past. Sure, he often sought out one-night stands, but they were still nothing like Madarame’s level of ferocity. That aside, he also had Taku and Rei keeping him in check. This time, however, with Madarame, no holds are barred every time Towa would get brutalized. Whether he’s punched or penetrated, he subconsciously finds himself becoming more and more addicted to it, like a drug.

And as some may now, this is something that can happen with abuse victims. Even after they've broken free of it, should they get subjected to that same violent treatment even for just a short amount of time, their subconscious may make them cling to it again. It’s not just a response of their survival instincts. Because, when abused enough, the victim feels that whatever it is that damaged them is all they need to have.

Even though Towa hasn’t been gone for even a quarter of a year, Madarame was able to get to him. Enough so that in a month, Towa already feels that he can’t go back anymore. That even when given the chance to leave, and twice over, he doesn’t.

The narration may say that it’s because he no longer needed Taku and Rei. But Towa isn’t being honest with himself here. If he no longer needed them, then he should no longer care for them.

Yet when Madarame was about to beat up Rei, Towa stopped him. Even though his voice was ragged and dry and hoarse. Even though he was already so beaten that he could snap like a twig if Madarame decided to retaliate by punching him again.

He cares for them. In truth, he knows he needs them. He does want to be with them. He just feels that he can’t. And his time with Madarame made it that every second he will be spending back with Taku and Rei would both be foreign and frightening to Towa now. So he leaves. And it’ll be easier to forget the pain of leaving them behind if he convinces himself that they no longer matter to him. Which is why, on his way back, he kept his mind focused on Madarame. And after that, he tried his best to regard Taku and Rei as no more than mere afterthoughts of a past that he (believes he) no longer needs or can return to.

Also, in Towa’s second chance to leave, the only reason Madarame even lets him go is because he knows that Towa’s departure will be only temporary. It’s just to let Towa know and see firsthand that nothing is the same anymore. No matter how hard he tries to adjust, he will forever be a stranger in what should be a familiar land. And with Towa feeling that he needs only the hurtful treatment, any kindness and support he’ll be getting will just terrify him now. And no matter what Taku would say to him, whether he completely fessed up or decided to say quiet or not say enough, Towa would eventually cave and leave because he doesn’t feel like he can go back anymore.

It was an inevitable outcome, one that Madarame had anticipated.

Towa walked in... and stopped short. The first thing that entered his vision was Madarame.

Just like the day Towa left, Madarame was lounging in his chair. His arms were folded, and he was smiling... almost like he had known Towa was coming.

As Towa stood there, frozen, Madarame cocked his head in a smug manner.

“Did you have a fun little adventure?” His Smoke slowly swayed. His tone suggested he had always known Towa would come back.

And he was right. He knew full well that their world wouldn't be enough for Towa.

Did he kick Towa out on purpose to make him see it?

"......!" Rage exploded inside Towa.

Until this very moment, Towa wanted nothing more than to be with Madarame again. But now that he was there, he didn't know how to feel anymore. Time and time again, Madarame’s arrogance suggested to Towa that he thought he could control me.

But what was more infuriating was that Towa walked right into the same trap every time.

Gritting his teeth, Towa charged at him. With all his strength, he swung his fist—but of course, Madarame dodged with ease before punching back.

"......!" Towa hit the ground hard, and a moment later, Madarame had climbed on top of him.

"Get off...!" Towa tried to push him off, but he didn't budge.��

He grinned down at Towa. "You know, it's funny—I had a feeling you'd be back any moment now."

He grabbed Towa’s hand, brought it to his lips, and bit down on the fingers.

"......!"

"You remember now, don't you? You remember what kind of man you are."

Towa, "......"

"Is playing house with your little friends what you truly want? No? You want pain and suffering. Biting each other's jugulars and drinking the blood. That kind of thrill.”

His whisper sounded almost seductive. Towa squeezed his eye shut.

Madarame was completely right, too, which infuriated Towa all the more.

Everything Madarame just said? He wanted it. He craved it.

This entire scene said it all. Madarame is a brute, but he is no dumb brute. He can be skilled at subjugation when he wants to be, and this is one such way to bend someone’s will to his own. Does Towa still have some autonomy? Yeah. But it’s one that’s dependent on Madarame now.

All long-time BL lovers would see a similar tactic used before in another classic work. Which is that, you may ask? That would be Ai no Kusabi. For context to those who don’t know, let’s just say that in that work, the seme literally keeps the uke as a pet in a society where artificial humans have all the power and wealth while the natural-born humans are left in the dregs. Usually, pets are artificially made, but the uke is a natural-born human and is rebellious. Eventually, for various reasons, the seme lets him go back home. However, his motive is made very clear.

Go back, Riki. Go back to the slums, stretch the weight off your wings. It's been three years. You can greet your old friends. You can even get back together with Guy.

However… you'll certainly realize the length of three years you can't bury. And then you'll know. The weight of freedom and the thirst of your blood.

There is no pet ring left to bind you. Go, and come back, Riki. I'll give you only one year of freedom. Go, and make certain with your eyes, with your body, that you are already a stranger there, and return.

I… will merely wait. Until that moment in which you truly become mine. That moment.... (Translation source)

And that is not really all that different from what Madarame did with Towa.

So, to sum up, Madarame wanted the old Towa back. So he captured him. Beat him. Dominated him with actions and words. Let him have a false sense of freedom just to let him know that he can’t be free anymore.

He wanted to bring back Towa’s fighting spirit. But he also wanted to distance Towa from his friends. That, and ensure that Towa would be that same feisty yet fragile product of trauma of a childhood no one should ever have. Without friends, without a safe home, Towa could be turned back into how he remembered him being.

In his route, he chose to pursue and he played the long game with Towa, a game he ultimately won.

Immutable… Immutable Indeed

And after all this, what’s left to say is that Kabura-sensei really knew what she was doing when she titled Madarame’s story “Immutable”.

If you look up the word online, what does it mean:

Definition: unchanging over time or unable to be changed.

Synonyms: unchangeable, fixed, set, rigid, inflexible, unyielding, unbending, etc.

At first, you realize why the chapter is named as such at how Towa noticed that even in the years that passed, Madarame had not changed one bit where his personality is concerned since the last time Towa saw him. And he would be right.

Then you also realize that the word also describes how Madarame is someone who can dominate, but can never be dominated. Even when Towa subjects Madarame to an Interrogation, he’s never the one with an upper hand during the conversation. In the end, it’s Madarame who still gets to call the shots. But even Towa aside, there was still absolutely no one who could intimidate Madarame.

The only one who came close to an exception was Kaga who managed to never back down in a fight with Madarame. But what’s interesting is that Kaga wasn’t like Towa. And Kaga was nothing like Madarame either. The only thing they both had in common was that they were true to themselves. But even then, Madarame still had some respect for Kaga. Even if he brushes it off as if he never cared for the man, anyone who says that someone’s death was unnecessary is already saying that they held that person in high regard.

That aside, one would think that that was all the chapter title referred to. How Madarame had not changed at all, and how he could not be changed, or broken, nor could he be stopped if he was set on doing something.

But in Madarame’s story, when talking about his character, the word would focus most on change. And what is easy to miss is that Madarame isn’t just someone who has never changed. He’s also someone who does not want to change.

More accurately, he does not want things to change at all. Much like how he doesn’t want Towa to change.

To him, time had frozen at the night when Kaga died. Everything else beyond that is nothing to him, and is no more than meaningless rabble. It’s part of why his chapter even starts with a picture of the full moon that loomed over from the sky on that same night.

But isn’t it ironic that he acts in such a way? Especially when he’s the one who said that the past and the future do not matter, and all that’s important is the present. The here and now. Yet the Towa of the here and now is not one who he would ever acknowledge or accept. He only wants the Towa of the past. He wants to bring back what they used to have.

Thus, he ends up contradicting himself. For all his talk, he cannot move on from the past. He’s not truly living in the present, not when he wants to reclaim that part of the past.

And if Towa is bound to move forward rather than turn back, then Madarame isn’t willing to give them a chance. I even made a poll about it before to see what you thought of the possibility of Madarame, in slightly different circumstances, deciding to give things a shot. Anything that doesn’t conform to how he would like things to be, which was how everything was back in the day, will never be of interest or import to him.

Yet at the same time, it also shows how he truly is immutable.

His will. His personality. His desire. It all traces back to immutability.

To constancy. Or, depending on how you view it, stagnancy.

Because when it all comes down to it, change - of anything or anyone - is something he’s just averse to.

Closing Remarks

I’m pretty sure that in spite of my best efforts to organize my thoughts, this post is as disoriented as Madarame himself.

Still, I have tried my best, and it’s already been weeks since I started making this. At this point, it’s now or never, and so I had to finalize it as best as I could and share the document publicly. But I may go back and reorganize and revise a few things once I’ve calmed down because expanding and completing this meta was a very turbulent process.

Once again, I wish to stress that I do not hate Madarame. But I understand if some do. But no matter your opinion of him, I really hope that this meta will not invite any discourse whatsoever.

And so, I can only hope that you’ve enjoyed reading this, no matter if you like him, dislike him, or are just plainly neutral.

Well, that and understand everything I’ve just typed here because I still doubt that I’ve made any sense whatsoever. (•᷄- •᷅ ;)

#slow damage #fen writes meta

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hyenahunt · 2 years ago

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Saga: Rivals - 4

Writer: Akira

Season: Winter

Characters: Seiya, Tori, Hokuto

Proofreading: 310mc (JP) & Peace (ENG)

Translation: kotofucius

Seiya: Grow, Hocchan. Dice even myself into food for you to eat.

Seiya: Yes. And now the problem is CosPro. Yumenosaki Academy may have had smooth sailing since their brilliant achievement of winning SS—

But as I have mentioned, CosPro is in a near state of ruin. My son just said they deserve it, and that was indeed a fair opinion.

But the sinners — The CosPro executives in this case — are already being made to repent through the legal punishment they receive.

Amends have been made; asking for more would be bullying.

CosPro is a large organization involving a colossal number of people. Naturally, many of them did not have a hand in the plot that happened in SS.

Yet, just because they belonged to CosPro — belonged to an evil organization, for the lack of a better term…

Some of these people had to face slander and wander the streets with no one to turn to.

Isn’t that a little too harsh? The punishment doesn’t fit the crime.

I can’t seem to overlook such disproportions due to my nature, you see; so I want to stretch out a hand of salvation to ease their worries just slightly.

CosPro is still our friend in the same idol business. I cannot leave them to die. That’s why I’ve decided to ally with them this time.

Tori: This time…?

Seiya: Ah, I meant Project-Saga. I won’t go into details, as they have made no official announcements yet, but I'll be participating in Project-Saga as a mentor.

I'll be competing with you as part of a temporary unit.

Hokuto: Father… you’re saying you’ll be our enemy?

Seiya: Is this not what you want, Hocchan? You could also just say you have surpassed me by winning SS —

As I couldn’t win SS when I was still a student at Yumenosaki Academy.

But things were different now and then, so it isn’t as though you have directly prevailed over me.

It should be when you beat me in a head-on fight that you can finally believe you’ve won.

And most likely, you can’t truly walk your own life until you overcome me.

Hokuto: ………

Seiya: This is a good chance, Hokuto. Isn’t it funny, too, that you will be deflecting your parents’ light away under the name “Rain-bows”?

Hokuto: …Bring it on. That’s just what I want.

Seiya: Yes. I wouldn’t have it otherwise.

You seem to be concerned about it for your own reasons, but I would be embarrassed too, were society to keep perceiving you as an “inadequate son”.

Grow, Hocchan. Dice even myself into food for you to eat.

But this is my personal motive. Officially, I am employed by CosPro to help them rise up from their terrible current state.

To reform their system, and become the banner that signals CosPro’s rebirth.

I’ve already frequented Reimei Academy for my own personal reasons before.

But from hereon, I will work for them even more extensively, serving not just as a lecturer but also an idol.

Project-Saga itself is still growing larger in scale, and its popularity is skyrocketing.

It is the perfect chance CosPro needs to stage a comeback… so we shall be utilizing it for our convenience.

Hokuto: Why go out of your way to tell me that? The parents I know just do whatever they want without telling me anything.

Seiya: Because I see your value, my son. You are already my equal, worthy of being called a full-fledged idol.

So I think I should face you on an equal footing, without treating you like a child.

Hokuto: Equals… Is that really what you think, father?

Seiya: Is it unbelievable? But I can understand; words mean nothing without action to prove them.

I could have been telling you things I didn’t mean just to pamper you, as a father.

So let’s fight. If we have a direct face-off as an idol, and you can win against me there —

No, even just getting to fight with me as my equal should give you a sense of achievement and experience.

They will become part of the driving force that propels you forward.

Hokuto: ………

Seiya: Naturally, I have no intention of being defeated so easily. They’ve hired me as an idol, so I'll perform to the best of my ability, giving my body and soul.

You should prepare. I'm not good at going easy on my opponent — I may accidentally crush you.

Hokuto: …Sounds like you’re really looking down on us.

Seiya: No, no, I am showing you consideration, as is proper. There won’t be a match if I ambush you when there’s already such a large gap between our powers.

That’s why I went out of my way to come here, to inform you beforehand.

Not to harass you, Hocchan; not at all.

Hokuto: But it’s part of your goal, right? You can cause several results out of one action —

And you’ll disregard sentimentalities to carry it out. You’re a cold-blooded pragmatist.

Seiya: I’m just a worrywart. I told you… I lack talent, so I have to take more measures to compete.

I must use all the time and stamina I have efficiently, to produce the maximum result.

Just like a perfected robot. That’s one way of life for an idol.

But I won’t force such a way of life on you just because I’m your father… Hocchan.

✦✦✦✦✦

← prev ✦ all ✦ next →

#ensemble stars #enstars #enstars translation #s: saga #hyenahunttl #hokuto hidaka #tori himemiya #jin sagami #seiya hidaka

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jokenotfunny · 2 years ago

Text

okay so like i know i still have my

eddie x platonic! experiment! reader universe and my summer camp horror story to continue

but !

i’ve been thinking thoughts and now i just have all these ideas and au’s i wanna start writing 😭

i will be listing them because i can’t keep thoughts to myself, but feedback on which ones sound best would be great ! 🫶🏾

- weird science au ; the boys decide to create a girl one day, just for fun after seeing the movie when it came out. chaos ensues and some people like her a little too much 🤭 ( some people is the fruity four 😽 because i don’t know who i want her with yet )

- the lost boys / my babysitter’s a vampire au ; the kids love their babysitter, but she’s been acting a little odd lately, as well as nancy , robin , steve , and eddie 🤨 < don’t know about that part yet

another vampire one! ; eddie starts dating a girl (reader) but the gang just thinks that there’s something weird going on with her, cue, dustin , lucas , will , and mike going, “ she’s obviously a vampire!”

- bewitched au! : reader’s family moves to hawkins, right next door to the sinclair’s, erica tells the group that their neighbor is like eleven, claiming that she’s seen her do weird things. just for them to find out that she’s a witch.

- famous reader!au : everyone knows who the “y/s/n” (your stage name) is, the people of hawkins refer to you as “hawkins’ hope” being that you made it out of your cursed hometown and all. so imagine eddie munson’s surprise when he gets to the wheeler’s basement to hang out, and sees you chatting it up with everyone, like you’ve known them your whole life!

- clue! au ; six people from the same town, are all invited to a mansion one night for a dinner party, thrown by a mutual friend. it’s supposed to be a themed party, but the theme they’re never told. they never get to find out either, being that the host was killed. (i have the idea for this one, i really do. but i have no clue how to execute it. haha get it clue? i’ll stop 🧍🏾‍♀️)

- scooby doo au! ; honestly that one fanart really gave me life, and i would honestly just love to see them as the mystery gang fr 🫣

- kind of like a wandavision!au : reader is an individual with powers she doesn’t quite understand. she’s overcome with anger and grief of her and her friends’ failure and eddie’s “death”. so in a fit of rage, she accidentally turns the town of hawkins into a collection of her favorite sitcoms ! whoops ig

- final destination! au ; the gang decided to take a well-needed vacation , as they board the plane however (i don’t know which character yet, probably reader though) has a too real premonition of the plane crashing moments after take-off, due to her having an outburst, the hawkins crew gets kicked off of the plane, for her delusions. however things quickly escalate further, once the plane does exactly what she said it would. or ( the plot of the second or third final destination movies with the roller coaster or the highway. )

jeepers creepers 2! au ; robin , steve (a senior in this one), nancy , eddie , and reader are going on their senior trip. on the way there however, the bus breaks down, giving the creeper (vecna) a chance to strike !

the society au! ; steve , robin , eddie , nancy , and reader are going on their winter senior trip, however on the way there due to bad weather, the trip gets postponed, making the buses turn back around to hawkins. except when only two buses return and when they do finally get back, the townspeople seemto have vanished.

jennifer’s body au! ; reader and eddie go to a small concert being held at the hideout, the main act is being put on by a gothic girl group, who afterword invite reader to some kind of after party. reader insists that eddie come with her, but the girls refuse. eddie insists she go ahead and to call him so he’ll pick her up after. imagine his surprise when he wakes up to reader laying in his kitchen at 3 am throwing up blood, and babbling nonsense !

mechanic! reader! au ; eddie is infatuated with the girl he keeps frequenting to fix his van.

and i can’t think of any of the other ones rn , but i’m sure this is enough 😭 anyways let me know which one sounds good because writing other things give me inspiration to write my current works for some reason 🙇🏾‍♀️

#eddie munson x reader #stranger things #stranger things 4 #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x poc reader #eddie munson x fem!reader #eddie munson x you #fruity 4 #eddie munson x platonic!reader #steve harrington x platonic!reader #robin buckley x platonic!reader #nancy wheeler x platonic! reader #stranger things x reader

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obeiii-mee · 3 years ago

Note

MC had a bad day or they’re dealing with a bad loss from a loved one. So they decide to seek comfort from the Brothers! But they don’t do it in a normal way, they just barge in the room where the brothers are all relaxing or hanging out at before MC just busts in getting their attention and they go “I need a hug 🥺”. Let’s see the some fluffy hc’s of the brothers comforting MC 🥰

And how could they not want to hug their cute human that is literally 3 seconds away from breaking down into tears?

The Brothers Comforting MC After A Bad Day:

————————————

You’re right, they wouldn’t be able to resist, they love their human too much 😌

*soBS* I want to hug one of them so bad rn

Thank you for the request, I love writing fluffy HCs, it’s my weak spot and it gives me serotonin. I hope you have a nice day/night!! Uh, it’s sort of implied that MC is slightly shorter than them so sorry if that’s a problem-

————————————

Notes: Fluff, mentions of loss and dead family members/friends, mostly comfort though, short HCs

Characters: Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Satan, Asmodeus, Beezlebub and Belphegor.

————————————

Lucifer:

-He doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t really need to because him just being there, arms wrapped around you and hands lightly running up and down your back, is worth more words than any sort of verbal consolation he could’ve given you and because of this, you feel at ease

-His touch is firm but gentle and you relax almost immediately, burying your head against his chest and feeling him press a kiss on top of your hairline, tightening your hold on him

-He already told his brothers to back off because the last thing he wanted was for you you to get overwhelmed by their insensitivity so you two were left in the living room by yourselves

-In a bit of an awkward position though, because you were both standing and after a while, it was clear a hug wasn’t going to be enough

-That’s his excuse as to why he picked you up bridal style five minutes later and carried you all the way to his bedroom, a place he knows his siblings won’t ever trespass without his permission and somewhere he can shield you from any prying eyes while you’re in this vulnerable state

-At this point, he was basically cradling you like a baby, having you sit on his lap and waiting for you to tire yourself out until you couldn’t cry anymore and watching you slip into that hiccuping stage you get after a breakdown

-Lucifer is obviously going to ask what happened, but whether you answer him or not is up to you because he’s not one to push matters if he sees you’re uncomfortable talking about it

-However, he might insist if he concludes that it’s affecting you and your well being and that’s how you know usually know he’s worried

-His voice is soft though and just listening to it makes you want to tell him everything, whether it’d be something as annoying as a small inconvenience you stumbled across that day or the death of a relative, you feel welcomed enough to spill everything

-Even if you decide not to, he’ll stay with you until you feel better, until you’re no longer crying or shaking or anything of the sort. He speaks occasionally, almost soothingly about how important you are to him and how capable you are of overcoming anything in your way. For the most part, however, he remains quiet and allows you to mull over your thoughts, willing to forget about his paperwork just to let you cling to him for a few hours

-Maybe later, when you’re no longer as distressed, he could get the full story out of you and help you overcome whatever problem you’re having trouble facing but for now, he understands all you need is for him to be there

“MC?” He calls your name out because he was thinking that maybe you had fallen asleep but he realised that was not the case when you looked up at him, streaks of tears still sliding down your cheeks. When you don’t respond, he sighs almost contently “A bit longer?” You don’t answer again but this time, he could feel you nod against him and he smiles despite himself as he leaned his head against yours “All right then, just a bit longer.”

Mammon:

-Truth be told, he’s never been the best at comforting someone and normally, he’s kind of awkward when he wants to show his support because it feels so out of his character

-But it’s not like he was going to refuse you anyway. Not when you specifically came to him and asked him for help and not when you looked like you were on the verge of crying. He’d be a monster to deny you >:(

-It upsets him too, you know. He’s meant to be your protector, guardian even, so the fact that he couldn’t keep you from getting hurt makes him feel like he failed at keeping his human safe. Actually, it takes a lot of convincing on your part just to tell him that you’re not actually physically hurt. Just a shitty day…

-Mammon, despite the walls he puts up ever now and then, is someone that genuinely cares for you. And he’s also the type that does almost everything in excess, especially when it comes to you or spending money. That’s just his personality; he’s loud and boisterous and even though he wants to deny this, completely transparent with his emotions

-You ask for a hug? He gives you plenty of hugs! He lets you lay on top of him while cuddling so he can hold you!!! He brings you snacks and drinks!!! Shit, he basically cradles you the whole night!!! And he’s blushing and acting annoyed the entire time, refusing to accept how much he’s actually enjoying this

-The point is, he tends to coddle you whenever you have a bad day or if you’re really affected by the loss of a dead loved one. This is probably because he, in turn, likes to be babied and cared for when he’s feeling down and he subconsciously does that to you because it’s the only means of comfort he knows how to execute well

-A hug would’ve sufficed, but you’re his human and let him be damned if he’s not gonna give you the world on a silver platter if you keep looking at him with those sad eyes of yours

-By now, if you need anything, you just need to ask because even with a bit of grumbling, he’ll get it for you. More snacks? Say less. Wanna watch TV with him for a while? Immediately reaches for the remote? You just want to cuddle? His body is naturally warm for a reason bby, dig in. You want his heart? Give him a moment to surgically get it out of his chest-

-No matter what, he’s so glad that you trust him enough to talk to him about this sort of stuff and that he’s the first person you think of when you need consolation

-It makes sense after all, right? He’s your first pact so your direct happiness is his responsibility while you’re in DevilDom! It’s his job to make sure you function again by tomorrow morning and that you’re no longer troubled by anything

“Hey! What’s with all the crying huh?” He cups your face in his hands and softly squishes the flesh between his fingers. His thumbs brush over the tears in your eyes and he let’s out a small ‘tsk’ as your foreheads touch and his hands drip to your shoulders to keep you steady “The Great Mammon is hugging ya right now, ya know? There’s no reason for you to be upset, not when I’ve got ya in my arms like this, OK? So you can stop with yer water works now.” As noisy as his voice is, there’s a gentle note behind it when he speaks and embraces you, his cologne spreading everywhere “I love you, ya big idiot. So please, stop cryin’ and lemme hold ya already! Yer making me worried, ya stupid human.”

Levi:

-You stopping by his room is not unusual. In fact, you do it every day and it’s just part of the routine you have with him. However, he’s wasn’t exactly expecting you to stand there, all shaken up and ask him for a hug!!!

-And he doesn’t process this request for a second but then he freaks out so badly-

-Yells incomprehensibly about how you’re ‘pulling your normie tricks on him again’ and how he’s ‘not going to be fooled by them anymore.’

-You raise your head to meet his eyes while he’s still rambling on though and he sees your teary expression and now he feels guilty because you look really upset. Levi’s kinda scared he made it worse-

-He’s the type to usher you in his room and lock the door as usual but instead of doing what the two of you always do, you literally stay attached to him because you need comfort damn it!

-Levi….is sort of clueless about these emotional outbursts since he himself doesn’t deal with them very well. However, he’s watched enough animes revolving around romance to conclude on the best course of action so-do not fear! (Spoiler, he still doesn’t know what he’s doing)

-He’s really stuck and can either stay as quiet as a nun or start babbling in a language you probably wouldn’t even understand because he’s so nervous

-Or actually, he might start crying with you if I’m being fair; he’s very in sync with his Henry and your emotions

-Once he calms down, he’s actually not all that bad at comforting. Levi is a bit stand offish with his hugs at first but he relaxes into them and by now, you’re both standing by the side of his bed, with you leaning onto him and him holding your hand. He then intertwines your fingers together but subconsciously because he wouldn’t have the gall otherwise

-Later, he tells you to help yourself with the snacks he has hidden in his room. I guarantee you he has a whole ass mini refrigerator hidden somewhere for his all night gaming session, in case he needs any boosts. No one knows how Beel hasn’t found the stash yet and there’s no need to tell him

-Then you watch re runs of old shows together and make fun of the shitty editing and dialogue. He’s still holding your hand though and he’s really flustered and wondering if it’s too sweaty for you but don’t mention it because he’ll get even more embarrassed

-He glances over to you, every once in a while, whilst you’re cuddled up against his arm, eyes glued on the TV, to make sure you’re OK. You almost gave him a seizure or at least that’s how he felt-so he made it his mission to make you feel better by any means necessary. Fuck today’s raids, his team can get them done without him!!

“I-I don’t know why you would want me of all people to hug you but…” he trailed off in a whisper, having to lean down so you could wrap your arms against his neck and bury your head in his shoulder. He pulled you in closer, a streak of protectiveness coursing through him as he shut the door to his room with his foot “Lord of the Shadows would never leave Henry all on his own, so I’m not going to do that either. This is an important character development arc and-just, please don’t cry. I’ll give you more hugs, OK? Seeing you like this is not good for my heart-“ stopped mid sentence after realising what he just said and now he’s the one burying his head in your shoulder, flushed beyond hell “Forget I just said that! Holy Lord Diavolo this is embarrassing, why am I like this????”

Satan:

-It troubles him greatly to see you like this and he can sort of feel the world shift out of place, seeing you with tears running down your face and hands balled into fists out of frustration almost immediately makes him fly into a fit of rage because who would dare to hurt you-

-Oh, a hug? If that’s all you need, he’s more than happy to oblige but if you’re as distraught as you seem to be, he wonders if just a small embrace from him would be enough

-Satan’s hugs are very intimate and even passionate at times. He has one hand on the back of your head and the other supporting your lower back while you bawl your eyes out into his shoulder and getting his uniform wet

-You can’t really seem to focus on what he’s trying to tell you because he’s so warm and welcoming and even though he’s someone as renowned as the Avatar of Wrath, he’s shockingly patient with you as you let out the overwhelming emotions that have been consuming you all day

-It’s hard to not relax when you’re in Satan’s presence because he’s calm and he smells like musty, old books and mahogany wood and cats, meaning he was most likely cuddling strays he found on the street the entire day. The first visual that comes to mind is fire crackling behind a grate in a chimney and someone reading a book while swinging back and forth on an old, rickety chair when you’re around him

-He will wait until you’re no longer crying and then, before you know it, you find yourself in the library with him, drinking tea and being handed a plate of biscuits he took from the kitchen to help you regain your strength after all that crying. You’re still feeling pretty miserable about the day you’ve had but you quickly lose yourself in a conversation with him over a cup of tea

-Sometimes, you two talk for hours on end about nothing important just to hear each other’s voices and finally have some quality time spent together. Even though he wishes the circumstances were better, he’s glad to have been able to snatch you away from his brothers for a while and he’s even happier you chose him to confide in

-Satan practically doesn’t even mention your outburst and keeps the small talk minimal but he wants you to know that if you do wish to tell him about it, he’s more than happy to listen and he’s not so bad at giving advice either

-The topic of the discussion you were having with him changed abruptly by the end of the night and now you’re reading together from this book he started a while ago, both of you covered with a blanket, your head on his chest and his leaning on yours. He’s holding the book with both of his hands, but still managed to get his left wrapped around you. And because of this feeling of safety and warmth, you don’t feel desperate anymore. Tomorrow, you’ll be able to sort out your feelings but now, you’re content to just listening to Satan read, in his clear, soft voice

“Ah MC, could you turn the page for me?” You do as he asked to and you could feel him smiling as he kissed your hairline, sighing before going back to the book and the story within “Thank you. You truly are amazing, did you know that? I’ve never met someone as caring and as kind as you. Well, I suppose Beel could compete for the title but unlike him, you don’t really leave us in debt whenever we visit the grocery store.” Hearing you laugh makes him smile even more and he lets you hold the other side of the book while he plays with your hair and now you join in reading with him, out loud and trying to act out voices for the characters. As everything unfolds, Satan feels the world click right back into place.

Asmo:

-It’s a known fact by now that Asmo is willing to give you any sort of affection at any point in time, whether it’d be a hug, a kiss, holding your hand-you name it! I mean, whenever he’s feeling down, you being there to encourage him helps a lot so it’s only natural it works the other way around too!

-If he notices that you’re genuinely upset by something, then he would have no problem whatsoever with lavishing you in attention and really, a hug or two from him is the bare minimum in situations like this

-In any case, he always enjoys fussing over you and you having a bad day is the perfect excuse for him to do so! After all, he can’t disappoint you since you came to him with your troubles and he will do anything in his power to make you feel better. Actually, if he could, he would keep hugging you forever but as miraculous as his charm can be, it’s not effective against someone with this low of a morale

-His first suggestion is to take a bath! It’s his way of taking care of you; you’re tired after such a long day and he feels like you’re neglecting yourself a little because of it. So you relax in his bathtub with him for a while, him actively trying to get your mind off any bad, lingering thoughts while you splash around in the bubbles

-And obviously after that, you need to have your mandatory spa sessions with him since you need to unwind and what’s a better way to do that than to let him paint your nails and apply lotion to your skin? Besides, it creates a great opportunity for you to take things off your chest

-He’s in need to hear gossip constantly so if you don’t feel like talking, he’s gonna be a bit bummed out but he still respects your wishes enough to not push you. If your problem is as sensitive as the death of a family member, you’re not obligated to talk to him about it and he will understand, since people grieve in different ways. He too shut down after the death of Lilith for a while after all

-A bad day is nothing Asmo can’t handle. He’s had plenty of those before, mostly because of Mammon and his thievery, they’re usually common factors. It’s only natural you experience those yourself and he’s more than willing to be your support system if you need one. He wants you to know that you can go to him if you need advice or help with anything, or even if you just need to someone to hear you out

-To give a more detailed explanation of his hugs, they are usually really light and you never feel suffocated when you’re in his arms. He never squeezes you too tight and he always smells amazing, so you feel inclined to stay near him for as long as possible. Despite his overtly loud nature, he gets incredibly soft spoken with you and he traces patterns on your back and arms as you stand there together

-It’s important to mention, he never pulls away from you first. He lets you decide when you’ve had enough and when you’re ready to move on or if you require some other means of comfort

-And even if you’re no longer disgruntled, he’s still going to pamper you as much as possible the next day with either a shopping spree or another few spa sessions, this time done at a professional institution rather than the privacy of his bedroom

-Asmo is in touch with your emotions and it’s kinda scary sometimes because of how well he can read you, since he almost always knows what you need

“Oh darling, how could I refuse a hug from you?” You can feel his arms embrace you, even with your eyes closed and for some reason, this makes you cry even harder, sobbing as he tries to comfort you. You’re aware he let go of you at some point and returned with a tissue to dab away at your tears, gently to not hurt your eyes and now he’s hugging you again, a wry smile on his face “You don’t have to worry about a thing, MC. Everything will get sorted out, I promise. In the meantime, come to me if anything troubles you again, OK? No more crying, darling-it’s bad for your eyes.”

Beel:

-The type to immediately lean in for a hug without even questioning why. As soon as you ask him, you barely have time to finish the question and you already find yourself in his arms. The only exception would be when he’s eating or maybe in the middle of a work out but the point is he doesn’t hesitate much when it comes to you. And I mean, he loves hugs just as much as his siblings do

-Beel is not the most observant and he may not realise you’re in a bad mood unless you tell him outright. It’s not even that he’s emotionally distant, it’s just that if you tell him that you’re fine, then he’s gonna take your word for it and believe you since he’s pretty straightforward with his feelings as well. However, as dense as he may be on occasion, even he’s bound to notice that you’re not being your usual self and this is especially true if you start crying out of nowhere while he’s nearby. Probably assumes the worst and is under the impression that he did something to upset you because shifting the blame onto himself whenever others suffer is his coping mechanism and we’ve seen him to do it before

-If you’ve just had a bad day, he understands that things could’ve been very overwhelming for you and he wishes he had known sooner so he could’ve helped back then, instead of letting it come to this. But he doesn’t hesitate all that much since he looks like he’s built for giving hugs on a daily basis. I’m not even sure this would classify as a hug since you’re not touching the floor. Rather, you are attached to him like a koala and he’s carrying you around as if you were a baby strapped to his chest. And he genuinely doesn’t mind. He’s been doing it with Belphie for centuries now

-Please, after a while he gets seriously concerned because are humans supposed to cry this much? What if you dehydrate or something? So he makes you stay in bed and just gives you plenty of water. You look so pale and sad, he shares his food with you too because his heart is aching just looking at you like this. He feels like besides being there, he can’t provide you with much help and he’s starting to think he’s hopeless at comforting

-If a family member died then…Beel is one of the best people you could’ve gone to. Honestly, having dealt with his sister’s situation, he knows how horrible it is to lose somebody you love dearly (I mean, all the brothers do but I’m making a point saying Beel, Belphie and Lucifer were especially affected). Now he’s sad himself since he’s aware that you’re going through something similar and his twin might walk in on the two of you being emotional on the floor

-For the most part, Beel makes sure you keep yourself healthy even when you’re tired and depressed. Continues to bring you food, even if he eats half of it on his way to your room, and just keeps you company in general in case you get lonely. Seeing you upset makes him even more considerate of your feelings and you don’t have the heart to tell him that he doesn’t need to stay with you all night. He thinks he does because you’ve always offered to stay with him whenever he’s had nightmares before so how he’s gotta return the favour

-Beel gives these bear hugs all the time, since he’s so big and his hand basically covers your entire back. So, more often than not, you end up cuddling while standing because he’s a lot taller than you, with him being a demon and all. Despite that, you feel so unbelievably complete when he holds you like this. It’s hard not to feel protected since his whole body is practically concealing yours so easily all the time and you feel sheltered from the world and it’s….nice

-And Beel enjoys hugging you too, because he knows that as long as he’s nearby, you’ll be safe and that’s really all he needs. He wants to be there for you the same way you were there for him when he needed it most and comforting you when you’re having a shitty day is like his full time job

-You could come to Beel with any problem and he would never judge you, no matter what. He’s just really unproblematic and he just wants you to go back to your normal self because it hurts him to see you cry your eyes out. Now, not only are hugs mandatory but holding your hand is too. It’s like hugging…but your hands are doing the hugging

-Definitely even goes to Belphie after a while if he really doesn’t know what to do and that’s how you know he’s desperate to do something. Since the Seventh Born isn’t exactly someone that yields great advice, more so when it comes to other…people….and his twin knows this-

-Beel’s best strategy at the moment is to just maintain some kind of physical contact because he discovered that makes you feel better and it calms you down more than him trying to verbally console you. He even invited you to sleep in his room if you’re comfortable doing so just so you’re not alone. After that one incident, he’s trying to coax you to tell him whenever something is wrong so he can jump in and help, because that’s all he really wants to do ahakenksms

“MC? Did something happen?” He’s honestly taken aback by how shaky you are and how you’re hands are trembling as they’re reaching to connect with his. Without much of a warning, he feels a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach and now he discovers that he doesn’t like seeing you with tears trailing down your face. And he feels worse the longer you wail in his chest and he doesn’t know what to do. So, he wraps his arms around you so tight you think you might explode, strangely comforted by the feeling as he speaks again “I’m sorry if I’ve done something to upset you. What can I do to help, MC? We can just stay like this for a while if you want” And when he sees you nod, he proceeds to not move an inch almost the entire night. Obviously, hunger overtook him eventually but he shared his stolen goods with you so can you really complain? Doubtful, not when he hasn’t let go of your hand the whole time.

Belphie:

- Hugging him is a gamble. Realistically speaking, you’re not going to catch him standing upright long enough for you to give him a hug. He’s laying on the floor somewhere, asleep so you shouldn’t expect much from him to begin with. Even if you were to get lucky and stumble upon him while he’s wide awake, he might slump over and succumb to sleep the moment you embrace him because you’re so warm

-Cuddling is a different story altogether. He’d rather shoot himself in the foot than not have you cuddle with him so if you need to be babied for once, he’s a pretty good option to consider

-As usual, he’s in the attic and you go to him because it’s really late and you didn’t want to wake up any of the other brothers. Actually, Belphie is normally awake by dusk so to see him sleep like a log past midnight was quite surprising. You didn’t exactly want to interrupt but if you stayed alone for any longer, you would’ve gone insane. So you shook him awake. And he was understandably confused and probably forgot what planet he was on for a minute when you did so

-Technically, he was half awake and from his point of view, everything must’ve been pretty blurry. He did see you; the problem was that because he was still feeling very sleepy, he was basically in a daze and could only squint at you to try and figure out if you were really there or if he was hallucinating. His suspicion was confirmed soon enough because he reached out after a few seconds and poked your cheek just to check. His face the entire time and the action itself was so amusing that, despite tittering on the edge of a breakdown, you burst out laughing

-Once he came to the conclusion that you were, in fact, real and he wasn’t dreaming, he sighed and opened his arms out for you; a direct invitation to cuddle with him. By now, he likely didn’t even noticed you looked sad because, as I said, he was all over the place but this little ritual you two have was common enough that it got engraved in his memory. Now he does it out of impulse whenever you’re around and he wants attention

-So you basically tackled him and threw yourself on top of him so hard, both of you toppled over on the bed and now you were used as a blanket, with his arms wrapped securely around you; preventing you from getting up. Not that you were planning on doing that anytime soon but moving on-

-You thought he had fallen back asleep, because he went really quiet and he stopped squirming to get comfortable. To be exact, the whole room was rather still and the only thing you could really hear was Belphie’s soft breathing and the rustle of the bedsheets every once in a while. And since it was extremely dark as well, you couldn’t see a thing either so it felt like the best place to let go of your stress

-It’s not like you were making much noise but as I said, the seventh born wasn’t sleeping just yet. And he wouldn’t be able to because it was obvious to him now that something was wrong. He believed that he was bearing witness to something that should’ve been a lot more private than this so he didn’t say anything. You should have your moment, let you have a chance to recollect your thoughts and the next day, he might ask you

-It was too much to handle. It’s not like he was gonna get any sleep unless he knew your problem was solved otherwise he might get nightmares all night. Besides, if you’re crying this much, then something terrible must’ve happened. You realised he was awake when he gave your entire body a small squeeze, as if to reassure you and you froze because did you just wake him up???? Or worse, did he hear all that sobbing you were doing????

-Hugging him is similar to hugging a pillow. He’s soft and squishy and warm and it’s impossible to resist him when rest at a time like this is so tempting. His fingers running over your pact mark once or twice, as if to remind you that he’s right there and low whispers describing the best dream he ever had about you, hoping to distract you for long enough to help you fall asleep

-To him, it doesn’t make a difference if a family member died or if you’re just having a bad day. All he knows is that you’re having a lot of emotional problems because of either one and as a result, you need a shoulder to lean on. He’s glad that you trust him enough to let him assist and if it was up to him, he would keep cuddling you forever. You’ve already suffered enough so let him take care of you this time around, OK?

“Dumbass, why are you crying?” The gentleness of his words was a clear contrast to that quick insult he shoved at the beginning of his statement, though you couldn’t hear any malice behind it and the fact that he really cared about what happened to cause you to struggle with your emotions so badly, would’ve made you wail even harder. However, he managed to silence you pretty well because he kept speaking and you wanted to listen; you wanted to hear what he had to say so you reduced your sobs and you sat quietly enough to do just that. Belphie flipped you over, now with him on top and you underneath and he laid there, cheek sloshed against yours as he sleepily mumbled out more praise for you, “MC, are you tired? You should go to bed, you need to get some sleep. Tomorrow, you can tell me what the problem is and I’ll help. I promise-I’ll even get up early for you. Just…please calm down. I don’t want to see you crying yourself to sleep ever again. I’ll stay here the entire time, alright? And I’ll make sure you have nice dreams tonight MC…just let me hold you…”

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peonierose · 2 years ago

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Once (3/5)

Book: The Nanny Affair & Open Heart Crossover / AU

**This story takes place before it was revealed that Addison would come back/is alive **

Part III of IV / Miniseries

Characters mentioned: Sam Dalton (M!MC), Addison Dalton (F!MC) and Ethan Ramsey (M!MC)

Words: 2,000+

TW: Cancer, character death, mental illness

Rating: Angst / Mature

Summary: Addison has stage four ovarian cancer. So Sam and Addi seek a consultation with Dr. Ethan Ramsey at Edenbrook. Will they make it in time?

Part III

Hours passed. While doctors in white lab coats and green scrubs rushed by. Yelling out commands.

Steering in patients on gurneys. Every time a door opens I look up. Hoping against hope, that this is the person who will deliver news about Addi.

But no one does.

Everything is a blur.

It’s almost as if I was standing in a massive group of people. Everybody is moving and or running to get to their destination. Getting shoved to the side and shouted at. Standing in the middle not knowing which way to go. Feeling completely lost.

The hard plastic of the hospital chair dug into my skin, making me aware of my surroundings.

Damn these chairs are uncomfortable. Moving from side to side to find a comfortable position. No luck. I lean forward, staring at the blue and white linoleum floor as I hear footsteps approaching and stopping next to my chair.

A slender woman in green scrubs stands next to me. With brown hair and exhausted-looking brown eyes. She takes off her surgical mask. I get up from my chair.

“Mr. Dalton?“ She speaks in a soft, lilting voice.

“Are you the surgeon who operated on my wife? I’m sorry I don’t remember your name…“ I ramble on. My head and heart were only filled with worry.

She smiles gently and puts a hand on my arm.

“I’m Dr. Emery. Under the circumstances, it’s okay not to remember names. Your concern lies elsewhere,“ she smiles sweetly. Though I detect a thread of pity and sadness in her voice.

I just nod.

“Is she…I mean…Did she make it?“ Hearing her answer will be harder than anything I've had to face, but I have to know. I exhale roughly, draw in a new breath, and square my shoulders. Not letting anything on my face show how I am feeling inside.

She takes a look at me and I can see worry and sadness in her kind brown eyes.

“We did everything we could. All we can do now is wait. Her injuries were severe, but she got here just in time so that we could help her,“ she explains.

Oh god. When I hear those words. It’s as if a weight has lifted from my shoulders.

Overcome by emotions I hug her. Probably crushing her. But I couldn’t help it. She just saved her. That’s all I needed to hear.

“I don’t know how to thank you.“

I’m at a loss for words. Smelling disinfectant and lavender help me to calm down for some insane reason.

She takes a step back and just smiles kindly.

“She’s not out of the woods yet. Her state is still critical. We will keep her here for observation so that we can monitor her and detect any changes,“ she says.

I nod again like an idiot.

“Can I see her?“

My eyebrows drew together in concern. The worry and anxiety must have shown on my face, as she seems to debate that for a second, drawing in her bottom lip, sighing, and then nods.

“Alright. Though she’s in ICU. So only a couple of minutes,“ she pats my shoulder.

“Try and get some rest, Mr. Dalton. You won’t help her if you fall apart,“ she nods one last time and leaves on tired feet. The hallway was emptier than I thought. Eerily quiet.

For a couple of seconds, I stand there. Like I’m frozen. Trying to calm my rapid heartbeat and sending out a prayer to whoever gave her another shot at life.

I head in the direction of the ICU. Feeling anxious about entering the room.

Halting before her room I take in a slow and deliberate breath and push down the door handle, feeling the cold metal press into my hand.

Upon entering her room I see Addi lying in that hospital bed with all those machines and tubes attached to her body. She seems smaller than her 5’10 feet would suggest. The only sound is the beeping of the machines.

As quietly as possible I drag a chair next to her bed. I sit down, take her small hand in mine, and bring it to my lips. Closing my eyes and just breathed in her scent of jasmine.

That sort of always clings to her. Shuddering as if suddenly cold. Realizing with a start that I didn’t take a jacket with me when I rushed out.

I squeezed her hand but there is no response. As if she already moved on to the next life. No. I refuse to let that happen. ______________________________

Disoriented and with blurry eyes I wake up with a crank in my neck and a stripe on my cheek from my uncomfortable sleeping position. I lift my head and open my eyes further, realizing I fell asleep with my head on the hospital bed.

Checking to see if she has woken up. But she’s lying still. She looks so young. As if all the pain just left her body.

Her soft breathing fills the air, together with the constant beeping of the monitor. My mouth dry I look around for a glass of water. Not finding any I get up and stretch myself. Feeling older than 32. About to open the door when I hear soft moaning. I turn around sharply.

“Sam…“ I was never more elated to hear her say my name than at this moment right here. I walk over to her bed and cup her face in my hands to brush her lips softly against mine. Like the feathers of a butterfly.

I look at her my eyebrows drawn together. Her eyes were unfocused and her pupils dilated. That’s when the heart monitor starts beating loudly.

“I don’t feel so good…“ her head rolls to the side.

“Addi!“ I shout her name in a panic and touch her cheek but she doesn’t respond.

“Where is everyone? I need some help.“

That’s when the door bangs open and some nurses and a doctor I don’t recognize rush in.

I try to rush to her side but I’m being pushed away. All I can do is watch my wife lying there and the doctors trying to bring her back.

“Sir, please let us do our job,“ the nurse says firmly but resolutely.

“What is happening to her? She was fine a minute ago, I don’t understand…“

Words seem to fail me.

Struggling to make sense of this whole scenario that’s unfolding in front of me. Like this is a horrible dream I can’t wake up from.

Suddenly they stop and stand on her bed. Their grim faces all say the same thing. She is dead.

“Death occurred at 6:32 a.m.“ a deep male voice says from the bedside.

Looking from one person to the other I say.

“She’s not dead. If you won’t help her I will.“

I roll up my sleeves and start with chest compressions. Remembering this from my first-aid-course.

“Come on, Addi.“

Sweat coating my forehead. My breathing ragged.

“Don’t leave me like this, please come on. Mickey and Mason need you. I need you.“ Not even noticing the tears running down my flushed cheeks.

Wanting to continue, when strong arms pull me away from the bed.

“That’s enough.“

A voice says. Turning my head aside looking into wild blue eyes.

“Enough? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s my wife. I’m trying to help her. Why aren’t you doing your job? Huh?“ My voice getting louder, eyeing everyone.

“Dr. Ramsey, should we..?“

A nurse hesitantly speaks up.

Dr. Ramsey doesn’t bother looking in her direction. His eyes are focused solely on me.

“I’ve got this, Hannah. Leave me and Mr. Dalton alone.“

When nobody makes a move to leave.

He turns his head.

“I said leave. Don’t you have other patients to look after?“ He says through gritted teeth. His eyes were stormy like the deep blue sea.

With those words, everyone files out of the room. Exchanging nervous looks with each other.

Leaving me alone with that prick of a doctor who, instead of helping Addie just stands around.

When I realize he’s still holding me by my elbow I shake off his hand.

He puts his hands on his hips and hangs his head.

When he looks up, his expression is neutral except for his eyes, who reveal a pain I’m not prepared for.

“Mr. Dalton…I…“ He lets out a deep sigh. Lost for words he starts anew.

“There’s nothing we could have done to save your wife. I’m deeply sorry.“

When I see pity, that’s when I start seeing red. I grab him by his white coat lapels and bring his face close to mine.

“She’s not dead. We can still save her….“ I say pleadingly.

He shakes his head resolutely

“If there was a way. Do you think, I and everyone else wouldn’t have already done something about it?“

His lips spread into a thin line. My hands fall off.

That’s when reality sets in and the fog I was walking through lifted its dark and depressing veil, to reveal what I didn’t want to see.

I absently rub at my heart. As if someone ripped it out, and left me bleeding. Creating a wide gaping hole.

Searing pain slashing through me. My shoulders sag. All the fight left my body. I cover my mouth with my hands. Shaking my head several times. Not wanting this to be true.

I walk back to her bed. Trying to imprint everything into memory. Closing my eyes I drop a soft kiss on her forehead. Stroking her cheek feeling colder to the touch. Turning my head away.

I stand up straight and school my features into revealing nothing. Sensing Dr. Ramsey's gaze at my back I turn around and say

“I’d like to take my wife home, and arrange for her funeral.“ I swallow.

He just looks at me, seeing far much more than I’m letting on. He’s probably had his fair share of outbursts like these. If he thinks I’m cold-hearted for saying this, he doesn’t let on. If he’s surprised, he covers it well. He nods.

“Of course. We can arrange everything.“

He stops outside and offers me his hand. I stare at it and take it. He has a firm grip.

“I’m very sorry for your loss, Mr. Dalton. I wish we could’ve helped your wife, not just now, but with her cancer.“

I look at him, surprised that he remembered her.

He smiles at that.

“What? Did you think I was some heartless asshole, who doesn’t care about his patients?“ His tone almost dares to contradict him.

I ruefully shake my head.

“No. Of course not.“ I reply

Rubbing my neck, feeling the embarrassment rising in my cheeks. Realizing I’m still holding his hand and letting it go.

I look at him as if I was seeing him for the first time.

“I…I don’t think that. I mean I don’t know you. But like you said if there was anything that you could’ve done you would have. My only regret is that I took it out on you. You were trying to help and I was a dick.“ I say facing him full-on.

“Is that your way of an apology? Because that was a shitty one.“ Ethan smirks.

I smile despite myself.

“You’re right that was a poor excuse,“ wetting my lips.

He waves his hand.

“If I had a penny every time people called me names. Well let’s just say I wouldn’t have to work as a doctor anymore.“

That is all he says before sobering up.

“Again I’m sorry. I know that won’t do any good but it’s all I can offer.“ He squeezes my shoulder.

“It means a lot. Under different circumstances, I’d offer to buy you a drink…“ He perks up.

“Hopefully not the cheap stuff.“

He raises an eyebrow.

I laugh.

“Of course not.“

“I’ll take you up on that next time you’re here.“

With that, he walks away. His tall silhouette getting smaller and smaller in the dimly lit hallway.

I make my way to the reception area to make all the arrangements for the….I try to swallow past the lump in my throat.

Funeral. For Addie's funeral.

#Once #Part III #Sam Dalton #Addison Dalton #The Nanny Affair #Open Heart #Crossover

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elrics-inferno · 4 years ago

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Why is one of the first things that we ever learn about Roy Mustang the fact that he is useless in the rain?

So at this point, I think we’ve all heard or realized that Roy Mustang’s rain/water motif is not just a physical limitation for his alchemy but also a symbol for his regret and “uselessness.” It’s a brilliant metaphor that elementally balances him out.

And it’s introduced the moment we meet him.

While it does serve as a bit of comic relief during the extremely intense first episode, the significance of it being in that episode is still important to Roy’s development and how the audience develops their understanding of him throughout the series.

First, we need to contextualize it. The first episode is centered around Isaac McDougal, the freezing alchemist (as in an alchemist who freezes, not a really really cold alchemist, although “Isaac the Really Really Cold Alchemist” would be a fantastic name. Anyways). Isaac’s goal is to freeze over Central Command via a city-wide transmutation circle using a philosopher’s stone.

The plot of the first episode is a parallel to the plot of the entire series, and it is full of foreshadowing. In terms of exposition, it isn’t very subtle. The basic exposition of characters like Ed, Al, and Roy is pretty much told to us through dialogue. However, that choice is justified. For people who are completely new to the FMA world, as I was when I watched this two years ago, the first episode has a lot going on. New members are not only meeting all the characters, but they are also trying to put together what alchemy is, where and when this is taking place, and who they should be rooting for. And THAT is where the brilliance (in my opinion) comes in. Watching the first episode through for the first time, the audience is rooting for Ed and Al (because they are the protagonists), and the military (because our protagonists trust them and are part of it). When our protagonists are told to capture Isaac and to view him as a traitor, we do, too. It’s only when Isaac confronts Ed about his beliefs about the military that we start to question our own. But even then, we aren’t given enough information to understand why we should question the military. However, watching the episode in hindsight, our loyalties are switched. Isaac becomes the hero trying to take down the evil military, and Ed, Al, and Mustang become the villains.

So, back to Roy. During the first episode, aside from getting the basics of who he is and what he does, we don’t learn much more about him. Just these two things:

1. He is a veteran of something called the Ishvalan War (and the Ishvalan War is apparently controversial based on conversations between Isaac and Roy and Isaac and Kimblee).

2. He can’t make things go sparky sparky when he gets wet.

And those two things are arguably the most important parts of who Mustang is and what he has been through.

First, let’s talk about Roy, Isaac, and Ishval. As the first episode unfolds, the audience knows nothing about what happened in Ishval. But Roy and Isaac do. In hindsight, knowing how Roy feels about the Ishvalan War and what he did there, why on Earth would he be calling Isaac a traitor? Roy knows that the military is corrupt (although not to the extent that he will). Roy’s biggest regret is blindly following orders in Ishval. Roy has his eyes set on becoming the Fuhrer and changing things. Roy is literally a genocidal war criminal who stages a coup from an ice cream truck and overthrows the military. And somehow Isaac is the traitor?

Roy is following orders because he has to in order to achieve his goal. He is putting on a loyal-to-the-military act and biding his time until he can admit to the world that Isaac was right.

Er, that his ideals were.

See, Isaac is Roy’s elemental opposite. Isaac is water, Roy is fire. He is also Roy’s narrative foil. While Isaac’s plan lacked patience and was too rash to ever succeed, Roy’s plan has taken him and will take him years, and he has been extremely careful curating it. It’s ironic to me that the character associated with water would act more rashly and have less patience than the character associated with fire. That’s not to say that Roy doesn’t act rashly. Roy’s impulsiveness and vengeance-driven actions are some of his greatest setbacks as a character.

But Roy is also intelligent and strategic in achieving his greater goals. His dependence is on his closest allies, while Isaac’s dependence is on a philosopher’s stone. And while the characters do not yet know the ingredients for stones in the first episode, Isaac’s use of one to accomplish his ultimate goal is what sets him apart from Roy and the Elrics. And yes, Roy does use a stone to regain his eyesight, but he does not depend on one during his coup. I would even argue that Isaac’s use of a philosopher’s stone could also be foreshadowing Roy’s eventual use of one in addition to foreshadowing the overall plot. It’s also important for us to see Isaac defeated in the first episode because it shows us that although philosopher’s stones remove the law of equivalent exchange, they do not make the user all-powerful. At the end of the day, the user can still be defeated.

Another difference between the two is how their limitations are presented in this episode. Isaac’s alchemy is unlimited because of the philosopher’s stone, but the first thing we learn about Roy Mustang’s alchemy is that he is limited by water. This leads me to the second point.

Establishing Roy’s limitations in the first episode does a few things for us:

First, it establishes that he is dependent on Riza and trusts her in his most vulnerable moments. That even though Riza knows how easily Roy can be overpowered, she still chooses to stay by his side, protect him, and help him accomplish whatever he sets out to do.

Second, we get a peek at Mustang’s creativity and perseverance. His determination and intelligence is displayed in how he overcomes the limitations presented, and it makes us want to root for him.

Third, it gives us some information as to how alchemy works. We see a few types of alchemy in this episode: Ed’s without a circle, Isaacs’s with a circle and elemental, Roy’s with his transmutation circle gloves and unique flame alchemy, and Major Armstrong’s forceful style. This helps us get an idea of the varying styles of alchemy, varying ways of how it can be used and manipulated, and the different forces that use it for their benefit or the benefit of others.

Lastly, it begins the “uselessness” theme. It tells us that even though Mustang is an extremely powerful alchemist, there are still things that he can’t control. That there are forces that can overpower him, and the best thing he can do is to get back up and try again until he accomplishes his goal. We also see Roy’s anger at those forces, the ones that render him unable to do anything. And we see him use that anger to fuel his alchemy and overpower them.

“The power of one man does not amount to much, but however little strength I am capable of... I’ll do everything humanly possible to protect the people I love, and in turn they’ll protect the ones they love. It seems like the least we tiny humans can do for each other.”

Roy Mustang, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

#fmab #roy mustang #royai #riza hawkeye #fullmetal alchemist #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #fullmetal alchimist brotherhood #fma #fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood #elrics-inferno

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onlydreamofmysoul · 4 years ago

Text

Speak Now

This.... was supposed to be short. But then it spiralled. I hope you guys like it! Characters and their world by @lumosinlove

Julian

“Re?”

Julian’s voice was quiet, but his brother heard him anyway. Remus always heard him. Sitting out on the porch under the starlight, just like they used to do when Julian was very small and Remus would let him sneak out of his room after their parents put him to bed. They would sit on the porch swing under a pile of blankets, usually with a mug of hot chocolate and just hang out. Sometimes they were quiet. Sometimes they laughed at jokes, but no matter what they were doing, Jules treasured every memory.

It was fitting this was how he was spending the night before his wedding.

“Yeah?” Remus half hummed, tilting his head, tearing his eyes away from the stars to his brother.

“Were you scared? The night before your wedding?”

Remus smiled softly, cupping his mug. “I was a hell of a lot of things before my wedding. Nervous? Sure. But not scared.”

Julian nodded, the heavy knot in his chest twisting. Maybe he really was making a mistake.

Then

“Hi, I’m Katie.”

Julian grinned and shook her hand. “I’m Julian, but you can call me Jules if you want.”

Katie nodded, a funny little business -like movement as she stood in her fairy costume, wings poking over her shoulders. “We’re all playing downstairs, wanna come?”

Julian nodded eagerly, pulling away from Remus and his parents and rushing down to the basement. His feet halted when he reached the bottom, his eyes wider than dinner plates.

“Woah,” He breathed. “You have a rink in your house!”

Katie nodded, giggling. “Oui. Jouez-vous au hockey?”

Jules blinked, looking at her in confusion. “Oh, I uh, I don’t speak French, sorry.” He said as his face flushed a little but Katie just grabbed his hand and pulled him over to a wall of skates.

“That’s okay. Do you play hockey?”

Now this, Jules understood.

“Yes!” He said, bouncing on his toes in anticipation, noticing all the other kids playing on the ice and realising that he might get to as well.

Katie looked pleased as she pulled a small pair of white skates and took off her shoes. “My brothers have lots of skates, you should look and see if there’s some in your size.”

Julian went to them immediately, looking at them in awe, all of them far more elegant and expensive than any he had ever owned. He found a pair in his size and pulled them out gingerly, even though they looked well worn.

“Are you sure it’s okay for me to borrow them?” He confirmed with Katie, even as he pulled off his shoes. Katie just nodded impatiently, having already laced up.

“Oui, it’s okay I promise. Now come on! I wanna go skate!”

“You can go,” Jules said, rushing to tie them up, “I’ll catch up.”

Katie looked at him like he was crazy. “Don’t be silly.” She said, reaching a hand out to take his. “We can go together. Come on.”

Julian finished tying his skates, stood up and took Katie’s hand. Together, they stepped onto the ice.

Now

“Are you scared?” Remus asked, his concerned voice cutting through Julian’s thoughts. “Because it’s not too late you know.”

“No, no it’s fine.” Julian said, hoping it sounded reassuring to Remus. It didn’t to his own ears. “Just nervous I suppose, but you said that’s normal.”

Remus tilted his head the way he did when Julian would pretend he hadn’t eaten the last chocolate bar, even with the evidence all over his face.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Julian sighed, resting his head on his brother's shoulder, hearing the heartbeat that used to rock him to sleep.

“Yeah, yeah I know.”

Then

“Hey Katie.” Jules said, still a little shy but glad to see a friendly face in the locker room.

“Jules!” She beamed, bouncing over in her ‘Dumais’ jersey. “Whose number did you wear today?”

Jules flushed as he lifted up his number six shirt to reveal the number twelve underneath. “Both.”

Katie nodded, impressed. “Cool. Hey wanna go get some snacks?”

Jules didn’t even respond, just told his mom where he was going and raced her down the corridor to the kitchen, running past the rows and rows of framed photographs and dodging photographers and reporters.

“Ha! I win!” He yelled as they burst through the door to the kitchen, racing through the doorway at the same time. If they had been a little bigger, they might have gotten stuck in the frame.

“Nah ah!” Katie protested, “It was a tie.”

“My foot went in first”

“You don’t know that for sure.”

“Yes I do.”

“No you don’t.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Whoever wins the race back to the locker room is the actual winner.” Katie proposed and Jules nodded, satisfied.

He climbed onto the counter to reach the high cupboards, only to discover the cabinet stocked with mugs and glasses.

“Over here,” Katie said, giggling as she opened the fridge, scanning for something good. “Ooh, chocolate!”

Jules jumped down and went to her side. “Can we just take it?”

Katie nodded. “Oui. Plus, they’re not supposed to eat chocolate, so we’re doing them a favour by taking it away.”

Julian donned a matching smirk. “Katie, I like the way you think.”

Now

“Oh here you are!” Sirius half-whispered as he poked his head out the front door. “I’ve been looking for you two everywhere.”

Remus pulled back a corner of the blanket and patted the bench beside him. “Wanna join us?”

Sirius looked to check with Jules first, before nodding and sliding in next to Remus. Julian had long since overcome his starry-eyed obsession with Sirius-the-hockey-god but he’d never be over the love for Sirius-his-brother-in-law. Sirius who had come to all of Julian’s big games. Sirius who tended to be awake whenever Julian couldn’t sleep, so he would wordlessly take him out for midnight drives. Sirius who had later taught Julian to drive in that same car Julian accidentally crashed one icy morning. His brother in law hadn’t even gotten mad, not for a second. Julian had personally seen one of his friend’s parents red with anger after spotting a scratch in the paint, but Sirius hadn’t even blinked at the massive pole shaped dent in the hood of his car, just run to make sure Julian was alright.

“Sirius?” Jules asked into the soft silence. Sirius just hummed in response.

“Were you scared? When you were getting married.”

Sirius seemed to still for a moment, a gentle breeze rustling his curls as he thought. “Non.”

Remus’ chin ducked towards his chest, his eyes flitting to Sirius. “Really?”

Sirius scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. “Well, I was scared for sure, but I was scared of messing it up, or that my family would make a surprise appearance at the reception or that we’d lose the rings. But I was never scared of a life with Re.”

Remus laughed softly. “We did lose the rings.”

“Oui. But it didn’t even matter, it all worked out, ouais? So really I had nothing to worry about.”

Julian and Sirius chuckled too, all three of them remembering back. Julian had nearly forgotten about that - surprising since it had been partially his fault. His and Katie’s. They had become inseparable by then and the two of them together had gained the name ‘JK Chaos’.

Then

“Come on, let’s see what’s in here!” A nine year old Katie whispered to an eleven year old Jules as they crept through the country house that was being used as the staging house for Remus and Sirius' outdoor wedding.

Katie rattled the brass door handle, but it was locked. “Do you have a key?”

Julian gave her an incredulous look. “I don’t have a key to my own room, why would I have a key for here?”

Katie shrugged, her dress swishing gently, the bluebell shade bright against her skin. “I dunno - groomsman duties?”

Julian laughed but shook his head. They walked down the corridor a few paces, stopping at the window that overlooked where the ceremony would take place. Chairs bedecked the grass, all turned to face the focal point - the beautiful ivy arch, bedecked in flowers. Everything was immaculate, untouched. Any guests staying in the country house were still getting ready and the rest had yet to arrive. Jules lifted on his toes to see a little further out the window, but a tall sturdy tree to the right blacked his view.

He turned so quickly he nearly got whiplash, grabbing Katie’s wrist unconsciously.

“Look! A tree!”

Katie raised her eyebrows at him. “Jules, I’m pretty sure they have trees in Wisconsin too.”

Julian shook his head, too excited to even roll his eyes. “No, look where that tree is! If the window to the locked room is open…”

Katie’s eyes lit up, her mischievous grin returning. “We might be able to get in.” She breathed. “Jules, you genius.” She grabbed his hand and began rushing down the corridor. “Let’s go!”

“Is it open?” Julian called, a couple of branches below Katie.

“Un moment.” She muttered and he smiled, knowing she was concentrating too much to even have listened to him, never mind switch to a language he actually understood. She paused and grabbed the silky top layer of her dress, gathering and tying it in a knot around her waist, leaving the white underskirt hanging. “Allors,” She said, sounding much more satisfied. She climbed onto the branch that extended towards the window and shuffled along it, craning her neck.

“It’s open!”

Jules let out a whoop of victory and climbed the rest of the way, careful not to stain his suit as she slid her fingers into the small gap, prying the window open so they could both clamber in. The room was unimpressively empty. Lovey, like all the other rooms, perhaps a living room if the several couches were to be trusted. A wall of shelves boasted an impressive amount of books and everything seemed to be edged with gold. Other than that though - Julian couldn’t see any reason why the room should be barred.

“A mystery.” Katie said as she trailed her hand along a bookshelf. Julian agreed with her as he sat down on one of the luxurious chairs, a little side table with a lamp on his left.

“What’s this?” He voiced as he picked up the little black box that had been resting in the light streaming in from the window. Katie wandered over to peer at it as he opened it carefully to find two gold rings resting inside.

“Oh.” Jules whispered, finally understanding. “That’s why it’s locked.”

They both picked up a ring, looking at them curiously. The metal glinted in the light and Jules angled the one in his hands to read the inscription.

“Mon voeu.” He muttered. “What’s mon voeu?”

“How would I know what you wish for?” Katie retorted, before she read the engraving on her own. “Oh right I see. ‘My wish’.”

“Oh.” Jules repeated. “That’s really nice.”

Footsteps and voices came from down the corridor and Julian and Katie froze.

“Did you see the cake?”

“It’s literally all I’ve been thinking about since the tasting.”

Julian met Katie’s eyes, both of them hardly breathing as they listened carefully. Lily and James.

“The tasting was months ago!”

“So you can guess I’m pretty excited about it.” Lily chuckled. “Do you have the key?”

Julian rushed to put the box back on the table and he and Katie half flew in their rush to get back out the window. Katie went first, Julian close on her heels as they scrambled down the tree.

“Where did they say they left it?”

“On the side table with the lamp.”

“Oh I’ve got it, come on, let’s get back.”

Julian let out a sigh of relief while Katie looked at him in horror.

“Jules…” She whispered as she pulled a gold ring out her pocket. “We have a problem.”

Julian felt his heart speed up as he pulled out the matching ring. They had been in too much of a rush to put them back.

“We are gonna get in so much trouble.”

Now

“You were so scared.” Remus laughed, tears forming in his eyes, matching ones already wetting Julian’s cheeks as he lost himself in the memory. It was true - to this day, Julian remembered the way their hands trembled and they stuttered through the explanations, but in the end, no one had cared. It became a funny story to tell at the reception.

“You laugh, but we dropped them in the grass on the way to bring them back and it took us so long to find them again, we were seriously trying to come up with something to replace them with.”

They burst into a new round of laughter, Hope coming outside at the racket.

“Boys!” She scolded as if they were all little kids. “You should be in bed - it’s a big day tomorrow.” Despite her commanding tone, her eyes were soft. Time was a fickle friend to all but Hope Lupin, who looked just as lovely today as she did twenty years ago. And perhaps even twenty years before that.

“We’ll be in soon.” Sirius promised and she nodded satisfied, vanishing indoors again.

“Suck-up.” Julian teased, elbowing Sirius. “Always wants to be the favourite.”

“I think he is the favourite.” Remus grumbled. “You’re the youngest Jules, so you’ve got that going for you. I, however, have been replaced.”

Sirius chuckled, a low sound from his chest and curled an arm around Remus. “You can be my favourite.”

“You can’t cook like she does.” Remus lamented dramatically, but grinned to show he wasn’t serious before kissing Sirius’ cheek.

“We probably should get to bed though. Especially you Jules, you need all that beauty sleep you can get.”

“Hey!”

Then

Hey Jules!

You got a phone!

Yup! JK Chaos can finally go viral!

Thirteen year old Julian chuckled as he sat in the passenger seat of the car on the way to practice.

Sirius says hi. Katie texted and Julian sent a picture of him waving in response before tucking his phone into his bag and climbing out of the car.

“Thanks mom!” He half yelled as he closed the door and ran inside to the rink, waving at his friends.

“Hi Julian.”

Julian turned to see one of the members of the girls team - Anna. They were the same age group and the two teams often had to share the ice if the rink was busy.

“Oh hey Anna, how’re you?”

She grinned, her light hair tumbling around her face until she scraped it back into a ponytail as she chatted to him. Julian was never sure how girls managed to tie their hair back so quickly with so little effort but it was pretty cool. He wondered if maybe he should learn so he could do Katie’s sometime.

“I’m good! I’d better run though, I’m late for practice.”

Jules nodded and with that, Anna was gone. He blinked and continued his way to his own locker where many of his own team were already gathered.

“Hey guys!” He grinned, and just like that, his head was back in the game.

Now

Julian stared up at the ceiling of his childhood bedroom. The glow in the dark stars were still there, although their glow was very faint now. Not that Julian needed their light to guide him, he had looked at those stars all his life, he could map them out better than a sailor.

He was getting married tomorrow.

And so, he did as he so very often did. He texted Katie.

Then

The Christmas party was loud and busy, people seemingly in every nook and cranny in the house. Julian looked around for Katie, he had been here for at least an hour but he had only seen glimpses of the other girl and she had always been busy, whether it was helping Celeste put out food or chatting to others and once even putting out a minor fire she had certainly not caused by tipping over a candle but so far, she hadn’t been able to talk to Julian.

Julian finally caught her eye and they managed to slip away going out to the garden, past the pool and down to the swing hidden by a great big tree where they had always plotted and planned.

“We need a code word.” Katie said by way of greeting. “So we can say it and the other knows we need to talk, just us.”

Julian agreed. He couldn’t believe it had taken this long to think of something like that. At fifteen, he and Katie had been best friends for at least six years now.

“What should our code word be?”

Katie shrugged, sitting on the swing and rocking back and forth gently. “Pancakes?”

Julian laughed, but he nodded. “Yeah that works.”

Katie grinned, but her face quickly became more serious.

“Hey Jules?” She asked, her voice softer than he had heard it in a long time.

“Yeah?” His tone matched hers, but he didn’t know why. He hadn’t planned it.

“Have you ever kissed anyone?”

Julian froze, his heart stuttering. In the moonlight, Katie’s hair glowed, silver catching on the dark strands braided back, her jeans and jumper not suitable for the weather, nor were Julian’s own but they hadn't planned on coming out here for long. “No.” He whispered.

Katie nodded. “Yeah, me neither.”

She stood up, shivering a little. “Come on, we should get back inside.”

Julian could only blink, but made to follow her. “Yeah okay.” He followed, taking a few quick steps to catch up with her when Katie turned quickly and they collided.

Katie reached out and steadied herself with Julian’s shoulder before surging forward and pressing their lips together. Julian stayed frozen where he was, her lips warm against the cold night.

Katie pulled away and stepped back, nodding to herself. “I just wanted to know what it’d be like.” She explained and then launched into a description of what new drills her hockey team were learning. It was funny, everything was different, but nothing had changed.

Julian thought about the things they were learning in science, all the calculations. How there always needed to be a constant.

He thought maybe Katie was his constant.

Now

You up?

Is this a booty call? Cause I gotta say, it seems like inappropriate timing.

Julian laughed, then covered his mouth, hoping he hadn’t woken anyone. Katie’s quick wit had never once failed to amaze him.

Darn, there goes my plans

Why are you still up?

I just can’t sleep

So you’re texting me?

Who else?

Then

Julian got his first girlfriend at seventeen.

Anna was lovely and bright and sweet. They had been dating for around six months already when she finally met Katie, the Dumais girl arriving in Wisconsin for a weekend visit.

Julian didn’t know why he had been nervous - they both got on really well. He had had no indicators to suggest otherwise and yet the entire week leading to their meeting, his head had been full of anxious ‘what ifs’. Not to mention the knot in his chest.

But there was no reason to be nervous… right? He just felt like this because Katie was his very best friend. He wanted them to get along. Yeah, that was it.

“I like her.” Katie commented as Anna left the Lupin house.

“Yeah, me too.” Julian said automatically, laughing when Katie elbowed his side.

“Well duh. That’s why you asked her out.”

Julian shrugged as they walked back inside waving to his dad who was on the phone in the kitchen. “Actually it was the other way around.”

Katie barked a laugh as she threw herself on Julian’s bed, tucking her arms behind her head, lounging as if she owned the place. “Why am I not surprised?”

“I’m not sure if I should be insulted or not.” Julian said as he lay down next to her, staring up at his stars.

Katie was the one to shrug this time, shifting with the movement. “Neither. It’s just an observation I suppose.”

“And what would that observation be exactly?”

Katie tilted her head to look at him. “You’re careful. Not with other stuff, mon dieu, we all know you’re a reckless idiot on the ice but with this kind of stuff. You’re gentle I guess.”

Julian smiled, that warm rush of feeling known to your core washing over him. “And you’re the exact opposite.”

Katie grinned, some of her dark curls coming loose. “But of course! JK Chaos wouldn’t be balanced if I wasn’t.”

Julian smiled, holding out his hand and they performed their super secret, super complicated, super cool handshake. Katie had named it when she was ten and it had stuck.

“Well we need balance.” Julian agreed and Katie nodded, blue eyes meeting his for a moment before she turned away, biting her lip.

“Ouais.”

Now

Julian looked at the words on the screen, his heart clenching.

So you’re texting me?

Who else?

Your soon to be wife for one

Julian didn’t know what to do. He felt like Katie was the only one who could help him figure this out, but Katie was the last person he should ask.

Ha ha. He said, because even that was better than the turmoil inside him. Guess I’m just nervous.

Why?

Why am I nervous? Cause I’m getting married. I know I call you Katie Kat but I sure hope that brain isn’t made of chocolate.

We should get you up on a stage. Katie responded and Julian snorted, practically hearing her sarcasm even as he lay alone.

But what do you have to be worried about?

Um.., How about the terrifying concept of making the wrong decision?

Katie was quiet for a long time. Julian thought maybe she had fallen asleep when a reply finally came through.

Do you think you’re making the wrong choice?

Julian paused. Was he?

I don’t think so?

Do you love her?

Yes. Julian wrote back, even as something thundered in his chest.

Well then, you have your answer I guess. Katie responded. I’d better get to sleep.

Jules held his phone close to his chest.

Yeah, me too. Night Katie Kat

Then

“Do you love her?” Katie asked out of nowhere as they passed the puck back and forth in her basement.

“We’ve been dating for two years.” Julian replied, sending the puck back to her harder than he meant. From her raised eyebrows he knew she had noticed, but she didn’t comment.

“That’s not what I asked.”

Julian shrugged, taking the puck and dragging it around the goal.

“I guess? How do you ever really know you’re in love.”

Katie raised her chin, blue meeting brown as their eyes focused on each other. Julian could have sworn she was staring at his soul.

“I suppose it’s something you just know.” Katie said. “My maman and papa are in love. And Re and Sirius. Leo, Logan and Finn. Your parents. They all seem to know pretty well.”

“Yeah.” Julian whispered, his mind reeling. Remus and Sirius were his role models for just about everything, including the love he wanted to have. Was that what he shared with Anna? How had they known? How would Julian know?

Now

Then Jules crept into Remus’ room once more.

“Re?” He whispered into the dark. The light from the hall dimly lit the room and Remus stirred, Sirius sleeping soundly next to him.

“Jules?” Remus whispered, even as he threw back the covers to climb out of bed, tiptoeing so he wouldn’t wake Sirius and following Julian back to his room. “Hey Jules, what’s up?”

Remus climbed onto the bed with him, just like he used to do when Julian was small and had a nightmare.

“How do I know for sure?”

Remus didn’t have to ask what he meant. “I guess you never do. You just have to trust that you love someone and they return that same love back to you.”

But what wasn’t quite what Julian meant. He didn’t doubt that Anna loved him. He was just never sure if he loved her the same.

He thought he must. Julian was twenty six years old, they’d been dating for nearly ten years. Although sometimes… just sometimes Julian thought that was maybe why he had proposed. Because that’s what everyone expected from them, particularly as they had been together for so long. It was the logical next step.

“Right, yeah.” Julian muttered. “That makes sense I guess.”

Remus held out his arm and Julian hugged him tight.

“I can hear you mind whirring.” Remus murmured, but Julian just tucked his face into his brother's chest. “It’s not too late Jules.”

Tears burned Julian’s eyes but he refused to let them fall. It was too late, it was all too late. He was on the ice and he could see the collision coming but there was nothing he could do to stop it.

A song he had heard a long time ago rang through Julian’s head, one line playing over and over again on loop.

And I asked my friend, what’s a fella to do? Cause her hair was black and her eyes were blue.

So Julian held his big brother close, and fell asleep.

Katie

Now

“I still can’t believe it.” Marc laughed as they ate breakfast at the hotel, his plate piled with food from the buffet. “Little Julian getting married.”

“Yeah.” Katie agreed, taking a big drink from her coffee. “Neither can I.”

Marc continued eating, oblivious to the storm raging inside Katie’s heart. “Why aren’t you best man?”

Katie raised an eyebrow. “Well for one, I’m not a man.”

Marc rolled his eyes, pausing to take a sip of orange juice before shovelling another forkful into his mouth. “Y’know wha- I mean.”

Katie covered her face with her hands. “Okay ew, first of all don’t talk with your mouth full. You’re not five. And second of all, Remus is his best man.��

Marc tilted his head, accepting the answer and Katie could have sighed in relief. She was already tense enough, two people had already come up to her for a picture and at least three had ‘discreetly’ photographed her as she just tried to have her breakfast. She hadn’t even showered yet so she was not looking forward to what the media would come up with later.

Then

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Katie grumbled to Adele as her sister finished pinning her hair. “Why am I doing this again?”

Adele didn’t miss a beat. “Because prom is fun, and even if it’s not, hanging out with your best friend in fancy clothes is always funny.”

Katie couldn’t argue with that. Sighing, she stood up and turned to Adele, her floor length gown comically out of place in her room cluttered with hockey sticks and signed pucks, helmets and polaroid's of her with her team.

“How do I look?”

Adele beamed and kissed her cheek, being careful not to smudge Katie’s makeup. “Comme un ange.”

Katie rolled her eyes but smiled and began to leave her bedroom, hearing the doorbell ring.

“Wait, shit I can’t go down now!” She said in a mild panic. “Jules is here, if I go now it’ll be like some dumb movie when the girl comes down the stairs as the guy just stares at her. It’s weird and awkward.”

Adele bit her lip as if she was trying to suppress a smile. “Okay, I’ll go and distract them and you can sneak down, ouais?”

Katie nodded gratefully. “Ouais. Merci.”

Katie waited in the upstairs corridor, hearing Adele lead her family into the kitchen. When the voices had dimmed a little, she gathered her skirts, her sneakers peeking out at her as she crept down the stairs.

“Oh, wow.”

Katie whipped around to see Julian walking out from the bathroom, eyes wider than Katie had ever seen them.

“I thought you were in the kitchen.” Katie groaned as she let her dress drop inelegantly around her legs once more. She looked him over, eyeing his blue suit with a careful eye. “You don’t look half bad.”

Julian laughed and took a step closer, holding his hand over his heart dramatically. “Wow Katie Kat, you sure know how to flatter a man.”

Katie raised a single eyebrow, a power play of there ever was one. “I mean, you’ve said nothing about how I look so really I think I have the upper hand here.”

Julian quirked his signature goofy smile before finally pulling Katie in for a hug. “You look incredible.”

Now

“Katie, ma cheri, es-tu prêt?”

Katie looked up from where she was rooting through her suitcase to see her mom, stunningly beautiful as always in a deep red dress.

“I’m ready.” She cleared her throat, standing up straight. “You look amazing.”

Celeste waved her off with a flick of her wrist. “Oh non, look at you.”

Katie blushed, her forest green dress fluttering around her. “Merci.”

Celeste took a step forward, cupping Katie’s face in her hands. “You love him.”

Katie didn’t even have it in her to be surprised. Of course her mom knew. She felt tears well up in her eyes but tried her best not to let them fall - it had taken her long enough to do her makeup, she really didn’t want to have to do it again.

“Oui.”

“Does he know?”

Katie shook her head sadly. “Of course not, he loves someone else.”

Celeste carefully wiped away the stray tear that had danced down Katie’s cheek. “Are you sure?”

Then

“I think I have literally never seen it rain so hard.” Julian commented as the two of them stared out the car windshield as the rain poured around them. They faced the hotel where the dance was being held, but even stepping out of the car would have them soaked instantly.

“See, this was a sign that I wasn’t supposed to come.” Katie commented, her tone dry. Julian side eyed her, not saying anything for a minute before he turned up the car radio.

“I have an idea.” He said, opening the door and stepping out into the car park in the lashing rain. He ran to Katie’s side and opened the door, holding out his hand.

“Come on! Come dance in the rain.”

If she had been Adele, she might have refused or protested. She might have even taken off her dress to protect it.

But she was not Adele.

So Katie took Julian’s hand, laughing at his curls, already flattened against his forehead and shut the door behind her, watching splotches of water darken her dress until she was fully saturated, tilting her head back into the sky.

She opened her mouth, sticking out her tongue to catch the raindrops, Jules giggling as he followed suit, the two of them looking absolutely ridiculous and getting very strange looks from passer byers who had made use of the wonderful invention that was the umbrella, but they didn’t care.

Katie connected her phone to the car speakers and pressed play to a song, grabbing both of Julian’s hands and spinning them in a fast circle, round and round until they fell together, laughing as hands slid over slippery skin and hair stuck to them better than any tattoo.

And I don't know how it gets better than this

You take my hand and drag me head first

Fearless

And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress

Fearless

Now

Katie couldn’t help but think about that day lying on Julian’s bed. She had said he was careful and she was not. She was supposed to be his counterbalance.

Katie had been too careful, she hadn’t been doing her job.

“It’s not too late.” Her mom had whispered.

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Heart thundering, Katie picked up her phone. Six hours until Julian’s wedding she pressed his contact and texted him one word.

Pancakes.

Then

Was it just Katie or did Julian seem nervous? Julian was never nervous with her. Maybe it was just the connection of the phone call, she should move to a place where her signal was stronger-

“Katie, I um.. I’m gonna ask Anna to marry me.”

Katie’s eyes snapped to his face. “Quoi?”

Julian swallowed, and Katie watched from miles away as he pulled out a ring.

“Yeah, I figured it was time.”

“Romantic.” Katie teased as she tried to quell the feeling that she was going to throw up. This was not how it was supposed to go. It had taken her a long time to figure out her feelings for Julian, but at twenty four she had finally worked it out. And he was going to marry someone else.

Now

“Hey Katie Kat.”

Katie smiled weakly, shoving her hands in her coat pocket to hide the trembling. She felt overdressed in her outfit for the wedding when Julian was still in jeans but that couldn’t be helped. Katie sat next to Jules on the Lupins’ porch swing, glad she was wearing makeup because maybe it would help hide her blush.

“The weather’s really nice today, huh?” Jules prompted, but Katie just smiled, steeling herself. She couldn’t idly talk about the weather, she would lose her nerve. So she threw back her shoulders, raised her chin and-

“Julian, I love you.”

Julian frowned, taking her hand. “I know, I love you too Katie, what-”

Katie shook her head. “No, Jules, listen. I’m in love with you.”

Julian froze and Katie’s heart beat over a hundred times a minute. Or maybe it had stopped completely. Either way it certainly wasn’t doing what it should be and Katie’s hands shook and she bit her tongue to stop herself from blurting out more when Julian obviously needed to process things.

Julian stood up abrupt, taking his keys out of his pocket. “I have to go.” He said and took off, getting into his car and driving away. Katie sat frozen where she was, alone once more, lost in the place where she had always felt found. Julian drove away, the world spun around and Katie stayed right where she was.

Then

Katie opened the door to Sirius and Remus’ house with her key - she had been given one for when Julian had come to stay, so she could come and go as she pleased.

“Salut, it’s me!” She called into the empty hallway as she dropped her bag and ventured in a little further. Sirius was in the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee and he just smiled at her as he pulled out another mug.

“Hey Katie, you here to get into some more JK Chaos?”

Katie chuckled and accepted the coffee with thanks, cupping it with both hands and holding it close to her face. “What else would I do?”

Sirius just smiled as Julian came into the room, wordlessly greeting Katie with their super secret, super complicated, super cool handshake.

“See you later!” Julian said to Sirius and Katie waved goodbye before they went out the door, getting into the car and driving away.

“What’re we doing today?” Katie asked as she drove. Julian shrugged in the passenger seat.

“I don’t care, as long as I’m with you.”

Now

Someone was knocking on her hotel room.

Katie had made her way back, she hadn’t even said goodbye to the Lupins - she didn’t think she could without crying. Instead she went home alone and straight to her room, knowing she couldn’t miss the wedding no matter how much she may want to. If she didn’t she knew that one day, she’d look back and wish she were in the pictures. Wish she was there for her best friend. So she was going to go and smile and be happy because she loved Jules and she could do this for him.

There was another knock on the door and Katie rolled her eyes. “I’m coming, jeez calm down.” She muttered, the door handle cold on her skin as she opened the door.

Julian was waiting on the other side.

“I called off the wedding.”

If Katie had been holding anything, she would have dropped it. As it was, she took a step backwards, blinking. “What?”

“I called off the wedding.” Julian repeated, running his fingers through already very mussed hair. “I love you. I’ve always loved you. I’m a blind idiot, but I love you.”

Katie was beginning to wonder if any of this was real when Marc came up behind Jules, completely oblivious.

“Hey Katie, did you get that text saying the wedding’s off? Weird, what’s that abou- Oh hey Jules.”

Katie turned to her brother.

“Marc, I love you, but if you don’t leave right now I might have to kill you in your sleep tonight.”

“So that’s why the wedding’s off.” Marc commented before backing away, no doubt rushing off to tell everyone what he had seen.

“Come in before anyone else sees.” Katie said as she took Julian’s hand, pulling him in and shutting the door.

Julian’s hands were shaking. “Am I too late?” He whispered. “Please tell me I’m not too late.”

Katie smiled as she brushed a stray curl out of his eyes. “You’re right on time.”

And then she kissed him.

Once upon a time, there had been a girl who kissed a boy in her back garden at midnight. She had been young and inexperienced but even then, she knew the kiss had been magical.

Today, there was a girl who kissed a boy in a hotel room on what should have been his wedding day. She was still young, but much more experienced so she could now say with much more confidence that if their first kiss had been magical, this one was earth shattering.

“I love you.” Julian whispered again and again between deep kisses that made Katie feel like her soul was bared.

“Took you long enough.” Katie grumbled, but kissed him again, twining her fingers through his hair like she always dreamed she would. “I love you too.”

Soon

Katie blushed as she sat in a room, surrounded by both their families. Her dad kissed her on the cheek before handing her a drink and proposing a toast.

“To JK Chaos,” Dumo said, his knowing smile nearly splitting his face. “For finally getting their shit together.”

Everyone cheered while Katie just laughed, lifting her hand to show off the engagement ring and tilting her head a little to give Julian a chaste kiss. He grinned down at her, hand resting delicately on her waist.

He surveyed the crowded room for a moment, before ducking down a little to whisper in her ear; “Pancakes?”

Katie was pretty sure her eyes sparkled as she winked at him. “I’ll meet you outside in ten.”

The End.

#julian lupin #Katie Dumais #speak now #sweater weather lumosinlove #lumosinlove #Katie and Julian #Remus Lupin #Sirius Black #cw food

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theheroheart · 3 years ago

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What ‘Ted Lasso’ gets right about resistance to therapy, according to a therapist

By Erin Qualey Sep. 10, 2021 6 AM PT

The following contains spoilers from Friday’s episode of “Ted Lasso,” “Man City.” (Originally posted here.)

Wherever you go, there you are.

In my work as a therapist, this is a concept my clients and I often explore. No matter how far or fast you run from your troubles, the one thing you absolutely cannot escape is yourself. Wherever you go? There you are. It’s a saying that Ted Lasso himself would surely love.

In the first season of the Apple TV+ series “Ted Lasso,” Ted (Jason Sudeikis) travels across an ocean to coach a professional football team with zero experience. He’s an aw-shucks Kansan with a can-do attitude, and his perpetual positivity proves infectious to almost everyone he meets. Although “Ted Lasso” is a comedy, Ted’s tortured inner life has been hinted at from the start — in the form of conflict with his ex-wife and a panic attack he experienced late in Season 1, triggered by a karaoke version of “Let It Go” from “Frozen.” For Ted, the song served as a crushing yet temporary reminder that he was putting off the inevitable. It’s only in Season 2, the adjustment to a new life and job complete, that Ted has been left to sit with his feelings — and realize he might not be able to outrun himself after all.

Enter Dr. Sharon Fieldstone (Sarah Niles), sports psychologist, whose presence clearly rattled Ted. Niles imbues Dr. Sharon with an even keel and disciplined temperament: Whether she’s engaging with a client or observing the team at practice, her active body language and ever-searching eye movements indicate that Dr. Sharon strives to treat each moment at her job with the utmost care and seriousness. She sets personal boundaries but also knows when to head out for a drink with the team after a particularly needed win.

It’s the addition of the enigmatic Dr. Sharon that catalyzes the central action of Season 2 — which, though it’s received criticism for a lack of dramatic momentum, has been laying a trail of biscuit crumbs to Friday’s game-changing “Man City.”

Ted’s insistence that life has infinite happy endings already bordered on toxic positivity, and it catapults over that line into maladaptive behavior in Season 2. As Ted starts to strain against the weight of the trauma he carries, he shifts into near-manic mode. The pressure to be himself — a man who consistently puts others’ needs above his own — finally becomes too great, and he experiences a debilitating panic attack in the middle of a crucial match. In a striking scene, Dr. Sharon finds Ted curled up in her darkened office, finally asking for help.

Therapy is all about sitting with and processing uncomfortable emotions in a safe space. Unfortunately, much of Ted’s ethos runs completely counter to this idea. His “be a goldfish” saying and his staunch belief in “rom-communism” both center on selective amnesia of the negative and overemphasis on the positive. But Ted has another mantra: “bird by bird.” Originating in the book of the same name by Anne Lamott, the term connotes perseverance and patience: It means to take things one step at a time until a daunting task is completed. So when Ted finally decides to engage in therapy with Dr. Sharon, he’s determined to not give up. And, wouldn’t you know, there’s a bird involved.

When Ted finally sits down for his first session with Dr. Sharon, he is a mess. He spies a bobbing drinking bird and taps it. The bird, much like Ted, can say only “yes.” But in a powerful moment, Ted begins to gently oppose the bird, shaking his head “no” as he watches the toy come to a stop. Shortly after, he pops out of his chair and leaves the session. Something similar happens during the second session, but this time he picks a fight with the good doctor before storming out.

The bird is an important visual illustration of the cognitive dissonance Ted is experiencing. He’s programmed himself to use relentless positivity as a coping mechanism, always saying yes to every experience and aiming to please in every interaction. Therapy is an unknown for him, and his fear of uncovering the truth is far greater than his fear of not being liked. So he bolts.

This scene could well have been lifted from many of my sessions over the years. There’s a bit of Ted in every therapy client I’ve ever worked with, and an instinctual pushback to therapy is understandable, given there are deeply entrenched societal stigmas associated with reaching out for help. Asking for help is an act of courage, as therapy can be scary and even at times unpleasant: As Dr. Sharon says, “The truth will set you free, but first it will p— you off.”

It takes a leap of faith to engage in therapy, as it’s a process often filled with challenging emotions. Ambivalence is normal and even expected. “Ted Lasso” delivers a raw and honest portrayal of how — with the right therapist — a person can overcome their fears and begin to pursue a more hopeful path. (It’s worth noting here that Ted represents the best-case scenario for someone seeking therapy. He has a quality therapist who has time for him, is conveniently located and is presumably free of charge. In real life, availability, location and cost are major barriers that can prevent people from even getting in the door.)

Still, though Ted is staying for the duration of his sessions with Dr. Sharon at this point, he’s not actually doing the work. So she tries a different angle: Following a traumatic accident on her bike in “Man City,” she worries she’ll be too scared to do one of her favorite activities going forward — and shares these feelings with Ted, using self-disclosure to model behavior for her client. When she’s vulnerable and honest about her emotions, it gives Ted the license to do the same.

A day later, Ted witnesses an altercation between Jamie Tartt (Phil Dunster) and his abusive father, and it triggers a reaction. It’s easy to imagine the old Ted swallowing his own feelings and trying to smooth the situation over, but that’s not what happens. Instead, he races outside, calls Dr. Sharon, and tearfully confesses to her that his father took his own life when Ted was 16. And Ted Lasso — both the character and the series — has fully earned this moment, as we’ve witnessed absolutely every step that has led up to his breakthrough.

For a show such as “Ted Lasso” to depict the initial stages of therapy with such care and nuance is an act of generosity. Just as Dr. Sharon modeled desirable behavior for Ted, the series successfully modeled a very real experience that can and does hold people back from finding the support they need. Perhaps Ted will eventually be the catalyst for many of the people in his orbit — looking at you, Nate, Rebecca and Jamie — to seek out time with the doctor as well.

Qualey is a licensed therapist specializing in addiction and trauma with more than a decade of experience in the field. She also works as a freelance writer, often focusing on the intersections among mental health, addiction and pop culture.

#ted lasso #ted lasso meta #therapy #psychology #the original article is locked #so i just wanted somewhere i could link people #cause it's very good

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mah-gah-lee · 4 years ago

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What a weird family reunion Reggie x Reader (xLuke)

gif originally posted by @jatpsource

Word Count: 3515 words

Summary: You’re Reggie’s little sister. You were 3 when he died. You’re now a ghost for a decade. One night, you recognize your brother and jumped into him to an unexpected family reunion. How is it going to happen? Will Reggie believe you? In a mysterious way, that’s Luke who help you to convinced Reggie.

Warnings: cuss (language), mention of death, mention of divorce, mention of drugs

A/N: This is my first fic about jatp characters. Hope you’ll enjoy! keep in mind that french is my first language, so i’m so sorry if there’s some mistakes in my fic

disclaimer: It takes place during episodes 6 and 7. I do not take into account the possibility of a Juke. The chemistry while they sing is there but no romantic feelings.

Tagged: @asdfghjkl-fanfics @standingtalllove

_______

Losing a child is the worst thing a parent could live, losing two is unimaginable. It’s seems being 17 years old was a new malediction in Peters family.

You were 3 when your older brother, Reginald, died in a weird hot dog accident. At that point, your parents were literally a fight away from a divorce but never did it because of you. You were too young to be in a divided family, according to them. But Reggie's death separated them for good. Yet they really tried to support each other, to overcome that and give you all the attention you needed. But your mother overprotected you and made you live in the shadow of your late brother. Your dad couldn't stand it. And when they finally divorce, moving out from reggie’s childhood house, you went to live with your dad.

Even though you were too young to form a strong bond with your brother, in a way you missed him. Your mother’s house was full of pictures of him, some of his clothes were still in a room, dedicated to him. When you visited your mother, you didn’t understand why you always found yourself in this room. You were drawn like a magnet to the comforting room. Reggie’s presence in this new house brought you such a sense of security that your mother had repeatedly found you asleep on a pile of your brother’s T-shirts.

And then you died in 2009. Kanye West had interrupted Taylor Swift's speech at the VMAs, Miley Cyrus hadn't gone crazy yet and One Direction didn't exist yet. What an era! You didn't know why the great light didn't come looking for you but you were there, as a ghost in 2009. And the time has passed ... You've had your best concerts, the best parties. A forever teenager who couldn't eat, drink or sleep.

And then 2020 came.

…

You were tired of always doing the same thing for over a decade, but you couldn't help but go to every open scene that came up in your beautiful city. It was as if an inexplicable force was pushing you to go there.

This evening was no exception to the rule and you were in a very hip little bar in the city center. You wore one of those sleeveless, gray crop tops with high waisted pants, your leather jacket draped over your shoulders. Your eyes were directly drawn to a group of girls in colorful costumes. You couldn't help but roll your eyes. It's been 10 years since you died and it seemed to you that these girls looked like the same plagues that ruined the lives of so many teenagers in your time. You put on an expression of disgust when they all took the stage, but when the music started you couldn't help but admit it was pretty catchy. However, you didn't expect a ghost to appear in the middle of the stage, improvising a choreography. Was that part of the show?

But looking at the audience's non-reaction, you knew it wasn't. The ghost disappeared for the first time, and your gaze sought directly the distinctive light source of another apparition in the room. Your gaze lingered on a small group of three boys - the blond boy included - and two girls. You have wrinkled your eyes to better distinguish the teenagers, and your face expressed confusion.

“Reggie? “

You wanted to go see him so badly. You were pretty sure it was your brother but it all came too fast. The moment you decided to walk towards them, the organizer announced a new band.

“Okay, looks like we're close the night out with one more group…Julie and the fat ones.”

What was that for a name? Your attention had been diverted and when you looked back at the group, the boys had disappeared as one of the young girls took the stage. Your heart was beating so fast. You couldn't go wrong; you had seen so many pictures at your mother's house that it was impossible that this boy was not your brother. But you missed your chance…

Julie started to sing and your eyes were captivated, as much as your ears were. This kid was so talented! When she sang a rather high note, the tension in the room charged into electricity. The next second, the young singer was joined by the group of boys you had seen in her company. Appearing distinctly as the ghosts did. On drums there was the blond boy you had seen dancing a few moments earlier, on the electric guitar, a boy with tousled brown hair who seemed slightly familiar to you ... and on bass, with a flannel shirt, there was your brother ... Reggie was there, identical to the photos you had admired so much.

The bar was on fire as Julie and The Phantoms performed. What a sick name for a group made up of two-thirds of ghosts! The song was so catchy that your heart beat to the sound of the music. But your eyes did not leave your brother, you were unable to move, frozen in place. What should you do ? Will you introduce yourself after the performance? And, what would you say? "Hey hi Reggie, I'm your sister, I died ten years ago and you twenty-five years ago. Unbelievable, right?! Nice to see you again" And once again, before you knew it, the song was over and the boys were gone again, leaving Julie alone on stage in the bewilderment of the many people in the facility.

“for God's sake, where are they?”

You didn't want to miss it anymore. Even though the whole situation was strange, you wanted to see your brother again.

Your eyes flew over the room before seeing the scene play out before your eyes. Julie seemed petrified in front of a man. The boys watched in amazement and as Julie left with what appeared to be her father, you rushed over to the group of three musicians before they disappeared again.

“omg please don't poof out again.” You said almost out of breath

The boys looked at you like you were crazy before the guitarist jumped off the bar counter, bursting with energy.

"Wait, you can see us?"

“as much as when mister "all eyes on me" made his performance”, you were pointing your head at the blond boy.

The group looked at each other in puzzlement and Reggie finally spoke, his blue eyes full of mischief.

“So…hi there cutie, how can we help you?”

Your face expressed disgust and you stuck your tongue out mimicking vomiting.

Luke gave Alex an amused smile, seeing Reggie flirting and your spontaneous reaction. The bassist couldn't help but charm the pretty ladies.

“Wow Reggie, that's gross ... you're my brother.”

Reggie burst out laughing at your response, not noticing that you called him by his first name when he hadn't even introduced himself to you yet.

“Yeah right, for sure. You just could tell me you weren’t interested. But I’m charming...”

It was the first time he had been given such an excuse but you looked so serious that he stopped dead in his tracks as Luke and Alex watched you. They always knew Reggie had a sister. But the scene unfolding before their eyes seemed impossible. (Y / N) was so young when they died and now must have been around 28, something like that. But the girl in front of them was a teenager, their age. How was this possible?

You didn't want to drop the information like that. It was worse than anything you could have imagined. But it had escaped you. Now he didn't take you seriously. Your eyes were wet with tears. It was scary to find you in front of your brother for the first time as a ghost teenager. Luke looked panicked when he noticed your eyes, squeezing Reggie's shoulder as you seemed to beg.

“Can I ... can I meet you in a quieter time please, Reginald?”

Your brother's eyes widened as Luke's hug on his shoulder tightened a bit. The eagerness and desperation in your voice had made both boys react, Alex was just looking at all of you like all of this wasn't real. The use of Reggie's name made him tense, surprised. Few called him Reginald. In fact, only his family, and the boys when they wanted to annoy him, called him that way. And although his nickname is obvious enough to deduce his

full first name, he deeply felt that you weren't just anyone.

He seemed a little panicked and looked around for his friends to support him. As if the solution would fall by itself just by the presence of Luke and Alex.

“Okay, but I want Luke and Alex’s there! What about tomorrow? I’ll give you the address!”

Wow, that was quick.

“hm, yeah, yeah sure, as you want”

You nodded and Reggie silently slipped a note to the drummer. Alex took a pen, write something on a paper towel and gave it to you. You weren’t surprise, you also can make some tricks. And you just had the time to thanks them before they poofted again.

…

The next day, you landed in front of Julie's garage. Lucky she's at school because you shouldn't be explaining your presence, so she managed to see you the way she saw boys.

Before entering, you peeked out the window and frowned. There seemed to be only Luke so far. He was leaning over the piano, his head in a notebook. Your body went through part of the garage door and you cleared your throat.

“hmm, hi ... i came to see Reggie ..”

Luke instantly raised his head and you caught his attention.

“oh uh, hi! He should be here soon, come in.….”

Silence felt as Luke motioned for you to sit on the couch. It was a rather pleasant studio; the plants gave a warm atmosphere to the room and the music set sent you good vibes.

"Does your girlfriend mind that I'm here? I mean, that seems to be your HQ"

"girlfriend?"

"The girl you sing with" I simply said.

"Julie? Um, yeah, she's not my girlfriend. She-sh-she’s great and we have this powerful connection but…not, not in a romantic way. Music tied us. Music and friendship "

Luke chuckled lightly as he scratched his head. You were surprised they weren't dating. Yesterday the tension was intense. He seemed authentic when he had continued his momentum. You let out a smile amused by so much overflow.

“It's okay, I don't need to know your full relationship statute or your social security number.”

The guitarist gave you a frank smile, his eyes twinkling with amusement. For a ghost, his gaze was really alive.

“ I’m Luke, by the way”

"Y / N… Re .."

"Reggie's little sister… I-I remember you a little."

"You look familiar to me. Maybe I saw you in a few pictures with Reggie."

Silence fell and you started to feel anxious. Maybe it was a bad idea? You had grown up since Reggie died ... were you still his little sister after all? Luke seemed to notice your dismay and put a comforting hand on your knee.

“hey, is something bothering you?”

“What if he doesn't believe me ... if he definitely thinks I'm not his sister.”

“Let's be honest, it's a little hard to believe. The last time I saw you, you were three years old.”

It was as if the memories flooded into your mind and let you carried away in your words.

“Yeah, you gave me this teddy bear with a guitar and told Reggie you wanted to be my favorite.”

Luke chuckled slightly before staring at you, speechless. He seemed dazed. This anecdote dates back to twenty-five years anyway. He himself had a hard time remembering it until you said it a few seconds earlier.

“what was the smell of the stuffed animal?” he asked, confused about that funny fact

“sorry, what?”

“the plush, what did it smell like?”

“hot waffle, why?”

“okay ... maybe you are his sister ... tell me more about what you remember”

You looked at him with a puzzled expression. Everything had been so natural before he stopped in all the movements. And now, it was hard to think about for the memories you had of Reggie on demand. The teddy bear given by Luke story had slipped out of your mind without you realizing it. As your brain seemed to boil, the fog of your thoughts cleared.

“can I use your guitar?”

“hell no ... why?” Luke exclaimed with far too much anticipation

“I have this lullaby stuck inside of my head ... I think Reggie sang it to me when I was a child”

Your pleading and desperate gaze fell on Luke who categorically refused to let you take his guitar. He ends up grabbing his six acoustic strings, terminated. There was something about you that made him weak.

“Maybe you can teach me but ... my guitar is my guitar, nobody touches it.”

You nodded and the lead singer moved closer to you. You were stunned by its smell, like a distant memory. Luke had definitely been a part of your life before he died, you were sure of that. You leaned over her shoulder, humming the lullaby that was left in your head. It didn't take long for him to find the right chords. Luke continued several times before you stopped singing, looking at him intently.

“that's exactly it ... this lullaby”

You both looked at each other, an indecipherable expression in your eyes. You both jumped at the sound of the garage door. Reggie appeared with Alex.

"Ready to compose hellish songs! oh did I interrupt something?”

"No, no I was there to see you. I guess you have a lot of questions."

"hell yeah, can we start from the beginning?"

You smiled to approve his request. The boys settled down on the sofa, while you sat down on one of the single armchairs. And the flow of questions began

“When are you born?”

“(your birthday date) 1992” you simply answered.

“What’s your name?”

(y/n) (y/m/n) Peters

It’s seemed to convinced a little Reggie but doubt was all over his face. It was information you could easily get on the internet nowadays.

“What’s my favorite food?”

“Pizza, mom said your favorite was the extra cheese with pepperoni”

“And what was my favorite toy?”

“I freaking don’t know, how can I suppose to known that?”

“ah ah!” he pointed the finger at you, as if that answer was proof that you were lying. It broke your heart but you didn't show it.

Instead, you rolled your eyes and Reggie kept going to ask you some question. Of course, you would have liked to have answered his questions correctly. Your mother told you some anecdotes about him but not to the point of knowing all the details.

“What’s the most terrible thing I said to my mom?”

“Omg I don’t fucking know! I was 3 when you’re died, asshole!”

Luke smiled when you exploded. Reggie was Reggie, as weird as possible. Now you were angry and desperate. Your brother didn’t believe you and he kept dragging you into this miserable feeling that you were never going to get your brother back. You had spent your short life living with a faint memory of him. Your blankie was one of his t-shirts, his voice reasoned in your head when you couldn’t sleep.

But then, in front of him, you were a stranger to him. Your heart was bruised from not being able to hug him and to finally meet this brother who had left far too soon.

“Okay, okay… So, how can you proof me you’re really my sister?! “

In the room’s corner, Luke looked at you, you looked desperate, about to cry again. He grabbed his guitar and cleared his throat. Reggie turned to him as the guitarist still had his eyes on you, a heartwarming smile hanging across his face. You had managed to convince him in a few minutes. He felt connected to you and the things you told him were disturbing. You could only be Reggie's sister; it was impossible otherwise.

"Hey…What about the song you told me earlier." he said with a soft and comfort voice

Your eyes caught his gaze, grateful for the initiative. You nodded and Luke started playing the few notes you had taught him a few minutes earlier. It was so different from all the songs the brunette could play before. It was a lullaby, such easy children's music with just a few notes. Of course, the band wasn’t supposed to play when Julie wasn’t in the room but, Luke had thought it was the best thing to do to encourage you to keep going. He didn’t know why, but he wanted Reggie to believe you. Luke believed you, hard as nails. There only had to look at your eyes to understand this reality, and Luke had noticed that. You had the same blue eyes as your brother. How could Reggie still doubt that? You started to sing

You're so sleepy

Very much sleepy

You want to go to the fairyland

You close your eyes

And jump into your dream.

When you'll wake up

I’ll still be on your team.

The instant Reggie heard the first notes, he knew. But hearing you sing the lullaby he had invented for you when you didn't want to sleep as a child, was a magical moment. You were his baby sister. He gave you that sad little puppy face, so overwhelmed. Reggie opened his arms and you jumped into a hug, so glad he finally accepted the fact that you were his sister.

You felt oddly safe again, like taking a nap in Reggie's pile of old t-shirts. You were so happy to find your brother and to be able to live your non-life by his side. Nothing would be as boring as it used to be. Reggie pushed you away with a concerned look

"but wait ... how did you die?"

"Yeah ... I don't really know ... I was at a really, really good rock concert and I bought this drink ... and I think I got drugged up there and ... I guess I'm dead? tadaa " you tried to tell him in a light tone.

He had just learned that he had a little sister. He didn't have to know that she was sneaking out at rock concerts and drinking alcohol before she was old enough. Right? Alex looked at Luke and Reggie with his half amused half confused smile. As for Luke, he fidgeted from foot to foot at the discovery. Y / N was as much rock and roll as they all were. Rebellion had to be his middle name

You loosened Reggie's embrace and lowered your head, pursing your lips so as not to show your embarrassment. He asked if you wanted snacks and you nodded. There was a slight silence. You didn't notice the urgent look Luke gave Alex but the next moment the blond jumped up to accompany the bassist, leaving you alone in the garage with the lead singer.

The silences were a little longer until Luke cautiously approached you. You could feel the awkwardness from miles away.

“ Sooo, you made this.”

“ yeah ...” you answered in a shy voice

It was the moment you had to thank him but your words seemed frozen. You mustered all the courage to plant your gaze in Luke's eyes.

“Thank you ... for helping me earlier.”

“oh it was nothing”.

“I ... yes, yes it was. You can't imagine how important seeing Reggie again is to me. Thanks for ... for helping me open his eyes.”

A slight smile caught his lips and he reached for your cheek before stopping his gesture. Instead of stroking your skin, he simply put a section of your hair back behind your ear.

“I would do anything for my best friends.”

And Reggie was definitely one of Luke’s best friend. You hardly swallowed, your stomach contorting under the effect that the guitarist made you. Time had seemed to fly at an incredible speed as the moment was interrupted by Reggie and Alex coming back to you.

“OMG LUKE DON’T FLIRT WITH MY SISTER, SHE’S 3!”

You cleared your throat and stepped aside to pull yourself away from Luke as far as possible. Your gaze fell on your brother and you raised an eyebrow at the last remark. 3 years old, really? You were 3 years old twenty-five years ago ... now you were eternally a teenager

“I’m seventeen.”

“Listen, i'm your big brother, you’re three, end of discussion.”

Your face wanted to laugh and you pursed your lips to keep from succumbing. But your eyes… Your eyes met Luke's in a complicity that slowly settled. Could you fall in love with your big brother's best friend? Definitely yes...

#jatp #jatp cast #jatp cast x reader #jatp imagines #jatp fic #julie molina #luke patterson #alex mercer #reggie peters #reggie x reader #reggie peters x reader #luke patterson x reader #charlie gillespie #jeremy shada #writing #owen patrick joyner #madison reyes

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yandere-sins · 4 years ago

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The Fox Wedding - Embrace the marriage (Kita)

Summary: You are to marry the fox spirit Kita Shinsuke after you accidentally agreed to become his wife by signing the deed to your new home. A contract is a contract, he says, but is there more to this marriage than you know? Will you be whisked away by one of the foxy twins instead, or have to marry Kita after all? Can you be with a creature that only seems tender on the surface, or will you try to run even if it might cost you your life? Choose your route carefully, you never know what these foxes are up to!

Characters: Kitsune!Kita Shinsuke x afab!Reader

Rating: Explicit Warnings for this chapter: Yandere, Kidnapping, Forced/Unhealthy Relationship, Rough Handling, Mention of bite marks, Mention of Non-Con, Pregnancy, Mention of (not human) blood, Monsters, Mention of burns, Verbal threats

“Don’t you remember?”

He asked you this again on that one gloomy night as you rearranged your kimono. You had gotten good at putting it on, not because you wanted to learn how to do it, but because it was the only thing that made you feel better about yourself. The way Shinsuke owned you was painful, stinging, and tear-inducing, and you felt better not having to see the countless bite marks of possession he put on you. Thus, you learned how to do it. Better you than a maid, or worse, Shinsuke himself.

“I don’t.”

Your answer was always the same. How long had it been that you two were wed on that sun-filled, rainy day? A month? Three? Half a year? Yet, he never stopped with his riddles, and this question was the only one that arose every once in a while. Your heart ached with the desire to go home, leave this godforsaken country to be where you belonged - where you never should have left. But of course, it wasn’t that easy.

“I see,” he whispered, and from the moon shining in through the open windows in your shared bedroom, you could see him nod his head thoughtfully while his eyes focused on your stomach. “You were still so small back then. The smallest human I had ever met.”

His soft smile was lost on you as you shook your head, unbelieving of his words. Shinsuke didn’t like unnecessary talks. He’d rather have a quiet morning than one filled with small talk you learned. And when he spoke, it was hard to accept what he said. Nothing good ever came from him saying your name. No affectionate string of words sounded like he meant it when he said it in the usual indifferent tone. An ‘I love you’ was quick to change into ‘Mind your manners’, and often he ignored your wishes in favor of fulfilling some kind of clan duties.

Perhaps, the only moment you managed to catch him off-guard was when a doctor - or something close to that just less human than you liked - announced your pregnancy, but you had been too shocked to be able to react to the sincere smile on his face and the tight hug he gave you despite the news being more of a tragedy to you. It wasn’t the child’s fault, even you knew that, but from day one, you felt responsible for it yet devoid of the feeling that you could love the kid like a normal mother would.

With your hand falling to the little bump on your stomach, you were glad it was still decent enough to not be immediately visible. Yet, as long as you were aware of the growing life inside you, the more you felt the dread of having to take care of yourself for its sake. There were worse wounds that Shinsuke could inflict on you, and unfortunately, you wouldn’t even put it past the clan to follow his lead rather than step in and stop him. It still made your blood freeze to think back to when you saw the real him for the first time. No, not him. The monster he was.

It was hard to forget the ashen creature that brought fresh meat for the village. You always thought foxes were small, playful yet wild animals, but that didn’t seem to apply to fox spirits. These images kept flashing before your eyes as you stroked your belly reassuringly, the baby inside of you not yet in need of comfort, but you sure were.

Fox spirits were tall as bears, and every one of them deadlier than a pack of wolves. It was bewildering to learn that Shinsuke wasn’t even fully grown yet, only six of nine possible tails emerging from his back once he turned into that beast. You could have sworn with his fox form being as tall as you were, he’d be at least grown out, and it unnerved you to imagine what he’d look like once he was.

Even if he allowed you to pat his fur, nudged you into the affection despite smearing deer blood all over you, it was no less reassuring to know what he really looked like even if he acted like that. You had seen him snap a deer’s neck in two cleanly with his maw. You had heard him growl. And none of this made you any less afraid of your own husband, the father of your child.

Involuntarily, Shinsuke had made you become what previously had been your worst nightmare. You were a healthy woman, so it was only a question of time until his forced intimacy would produce the child everyone around you was looking forward to. Except you, but how could you possibly be when this wasn’t what you wanted at all?

Even so, you realized the child was just another innocent soul in a much more complicated scheme of his ‘love’. One you still not understood even though he was so insistent that it existed. Nevertheless, you couldn’t let yourself be punished and endanger the little one, always seeing these huge, beastly creatures in your inner eye whenever you thought about running or misbehaving. However, you also couldn’t stop yourself from flinching when he reached over to caress your stomach, unable to forgive and, even more so, forget what all he had done to you.

Tearing you out of your life, your world even, force you into this relationship and himself on you, was small compared to the ‘lessons’ and ‘training’ he made you go through to become more fitting for your role as his wife. Your maltreated body was only one evidence of his ‘care’ and ‘love’ that he so generously had sworn to you before your wedding. There was no ‘happiness’ in sight even after being married for so long. If he thought that child made you happy, he had been wrong.

Answers. Answers would have made you happy - or at least, made this more endurable.

“Back then, you were scared too.”

His palm clasped around your hand tightly as he began to circle it over the baby bump. He acknowledged your flinching, your fear. Though even if he noticed, he only ever did so in his favor, dismissing it to do whatever he pleased or continuing to force you into obeying his will. Shinsuke always looked serious and talked with logic, you wouldn’t have believed the slyness in all of his doings even though it dawned on you that it was one of the foxes’ main traits.

“Back when?” you mumbled, wanting to pull out your hand but getting stuck in his grasp, sighing inwardly as you gave up on fighting him. Not when he was so close to the child. You didn’t want to risk upsetting him.

“Twenty years? Thirty? Time--” Interrupting himself, Shinsuke let out a thoughtful hum, clearing his throat before he resumed speaking.” Time is tough to calculate when you live for so long. Day is day, night is night. Sometimes it snows, and sometimes it rains, and all the other days are mostly the same. Only now, you are here with me, and that makes me happier than anything else.”

This time, it was on you to ponder, wondering about the time frame. There was no reason to get upset about the fact Shinsuke didn’t seem to know your current age, nor how long it really had been. The message ’a long time ago’ was received by you either way. What you couldn’t rack your brain around was that there wasn’t an instance you could remember meeting Shinsuke before, especially since you hadn’t been to Japan when you were as young as he made it seem-

“Oh,” you whispered. Oh, you had been to Japan before as a child, with your family to visit friends that resided in this beautiful country. But you had forgotten all about it, how old had you been? Four? Maybe five? Now you remembered that the reason for your first trip as a teenager had been to see the country you had been to before but could barely remember since you were just a toddler back then.

Finally sitting up from his futon, Shinsuke moved over to sit next to you, his right arm snaking around your waist while his left hand remained on your belly. “Do you remember it now?” he cooed softly, leaving a kiss on your cheek as he waited for an answer patiently.

“There was a fox…” you mumbled, straining yourself to remember what happened so long in the past. “I think it was wounded.”

“Continue,” Shinsuke instructed gently, bringing his lips to your temple before brushing back your hair to continue down your neck, leaving pecks of affection behind wherever they wandered.

“It was wounded, and I… I--”

“You gave me your rice ball,” he finished for you as you struggled with your words.

“That was… you?” you slowly but surely pieced it together, and he nodded, pulling you closer to him and burying his face in the crook of your neck. His embrace was tight but less formal than any other touch he laid on you so far. A wave of honest emotions seemed to overcome him as you remembered, a voice of relief leaving him as your shared past revealed itself to you.

“But… But--”

So many questions rushed into your head before you could even utter one of them. How much of what happened was coincidental? Was everything planned? Staged? Arranged? Your thoughts must have shown in your gaze, and though he only looked up for a split second, you were sure he noticed it as he chuckled a few times.

“The truth is, back then, I wanted to kill you. I came back for you every day, and you were always playing in the garden, but your parents were always around watching you.”

Shinsuke sat up straight, instead now pulling you to lean on him and petting your hair. Your instinct detected hostility in his words, yet, your body told you to stay put and not allure him of the fear that crept up in you. You now remembered the silver fox you had met as a little kid, and though the memories were spare and rare, to think you could have died by his maw back then made a cold shudder run down your spine.

“I didn’t want the humans to find out my clan was in that forest - now, this forest - I knew it would mean that I caused them to have to leave or hunters would come. However, when you did tell--”

“No one believed me…” This time you finished his sentence instead, and Shinsuke nodded.

“I couldn’t rest, so I came back day after day, until suddenly… you were gone.”

“Yeah, we flew back home after two weeks,” you mumbled, explaining it to him despite realizing you wished you had kept it a secret. He simply didn’t deserve knowing even a little bit more than necessary.

“Exactly.”

Gently rubbing your back, Shinsuke kissed your hair, his grip on you unbudging, but there was no notion and no feeling of yours that stayed hidden long from him. “Later I found out that the owner of that house - your family’s friends, I reckon? - were aware of us, and their ancestors were granted land from us to build their house in exchange for keeping this village and residents hidden. It’s passed down as a family secret.”

“And then…” For the first time, you sat up, and Shinsuke let you go without a moment of hesitation. Slowly, but surely everything made sense, even if those answers were less relieving than you had hoped. “I bought their house when they became too old to live there. Was that- Was that all planned?”

With your brows furrowing, you looked at his face, and Shinsuke closed his eyes for a moment thoughtfully, humming in contemplation. “Was it? Who knows. Once I learned the truth, I decided you shall be my bride.”

What a dissatisfying answer, you thought, and your expression faltered, body turning away in displeasure. For the first time since you were married, you heard him make a deep sigh, the shuffling of fabric behind you as Shinsuke inched closer, having recognized your defensive stance as telling him you weren’t all too happy with his story.

“If we say fate brought us together, then destiny arranged everything. But I rather think that it was meant to be. You coming back to me is because we are meant for each other, [Name].”

“I don’t agree,” you muttered, feeling defeated. All this time, you had wondered how and why this all happened to you, but in the end, it really had just been Shinsuke’s doing. Part of you felt more betrayed, but the other half wasn’t actually feeling impressed by the knowledge. Disappointed, but not surprised, as a friend of yours always liked to say. “Then why the contract? Why set me up like this?”

“What do you think? Do you think you would have married me otherwise? Do you not despise me? Think that I am a monster? I think that’s what you called me before.”

The level of self-awareness was nothing you would have expected from him. Instinctively you would have liked to argue against him, but at the same time, his words depicted your feelings quite well. “Maybe I wouldn’t have thought that if you had--”

“[Name], please.” There it was again, the patronizing tone in his voice that had been the end to many of your conversations before. His arms wrapped around you from behind, lips landing at the back of your head as he mumbled into your hair. “I waited for you all this time, and know my feelings. There was simply no need for a year-long courtship and proving what I felt.”

“I could have needed it. Are my feelings that unimportant to you?”

Gripping his arms tightly, you dug your fingers in as best as you could. You had enough. Enough of his will being absolute and everything centering around him. All this misery just because he decided on marrying you long, long ago on his own. For the first time, you managed to pull out of his hold by your own strength, twirling around quicker than him being able to capture you again and complain.

“You are a monster! I don’t care about your feelings either since you can’t seem to respect mine! I never wanted any of this!”

Gesturing loosely to him and your stomach, you made room for your anger, even getting up to stand your ground properly. You half expected him to follow, but Shinsuke kept sitting comfortable, merely lowering his eyes and shaking his head. “Calm down, [Name]. You’ll wake the whole village with your voice.”

“What if?! As if they didn’t know how I truly feel! As if they didn’t just turn a blind eye on this situation for your sake!”

“Arranged marriages are very common here--”

“But not arranged by the groom himself! And even so, you still forced me into this, I couldn’t even refuse! You… You beast! You monster! You’re the absolute worst being I ever met, and I hate you! I hate you so much!”

Finally, Shinsuke looked up again, his gaze calm and collected as always. It was the last straw that even now, he did not budge from his views, and you decided to do something you had tried to avoid ever since becoming pregnant. Turning on your heel, you marched towards the door, gripping into the depression of the sliding door to open it. As luck would have it, these kinds of doors didn’t have locks. Thus someone usually watched over you, never leaving you alone, but weirdly enough, it didn’t budge no matter how hard you pulled and tore on it, demanding quietly that it would move out of your way.

“[Name] stop. It’s not good for the baby to get so upset,” Shinsuke called after you, and you just knew he was standing up as he spoke, causing more pressure to fall onto your shoulders. You’d run away. No matter the cost, you wouldn’t stay here. Feeling the door heat up, you jumped away from it, shocked, looking at your fingers while eerie, small flames sparked up at the spot you just touched. By now, you were a little too familiar with foxfire and what it felt like, and yet, angry as you were, it only made you spin around to face him, not expecting to have his face right up in yours the moment you turned.

“I said, stop.”

“Then I won’t listen,” you hissed back at him, rubbing your fingers carefully as they trembled in fear. Never before had resisting him done you anything good, but you reached a point of no return.

“Let’s go back to bed,” Shinsuke instructed again, his patience wearing noticeably thin as you were unbudging. “You go to bed. I am going home.”

Taking a deep breath, he stared you down with those sharp, shining eyes of his, a glare that usually made your knees buckle in fear. You never had given him such a hard time before, normally yielding before it got this far. In some way, it was thrilling, in another, nerve-wracking.

“I’ll say it only once more,” Shinsuke warned, reaching for your wrist that you pulled away before he could reach it, slapping his hand away in the process.

“Or what?” you spat at him, as disgusted as you could. This would end here, you decided. All of it: The fake marriage, your submissiveness, the way you played along and embraced your role as his wife until now. The child too, if you got out of this house, this village, and his clutches.

“You saw the beast before.” Shinsuke spoke his words calm and slow, but his voice lowered dangerously as he kept up his glare unbudgingly. It was just his way of not losing his temper despite you being aware that he wasn’t going to be gentle from this point onwards. There was a never before heard tremble in his voice as he spoke again, the sentence making every inch of you freeze in fear.

Perhaps, you had needed that. One last attempt of being deviant. How else would you have learned that this place might not make you happy, but at least it was the only place that would keep you safe. Safe of Kita Shinsuke’s true nature, the one completely insane from his love for you. How else would you have known that calm waters were the deepest of them all? Deep enough to let you drown in them if you did anything to disturb them?

Maybe, being his wife wasn’t the worst there was.

“But you haven’t seen the monster yet.”

The worst was Shinsuke himself.

a/n: Thank you for reading Kita’s route of this story, I hope you enjoyed it! I noticed last chapter that it didn’t seem as enjoyable than the Prologues, I still hope that you will move forward to explore the other routes and enjoy this experience ^-^ Let me know what you thought, that would make me very happy ♥

Satisfied?

➤ Go back to the prologue to change your fate

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Read other routes first to unlock more fates

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raspberry-arev · 3 years ago

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After the Flood (a.k.a. bicci fic)

Hello friends! Some of you may remember that back in... er, who knows, I was writing a Bicci Proposal Fanfic. However, school and lack of motivation got in the way, and essentially, I forgot it existed. Until now. It's done, it's ready, it's here for you to read in whole! (I posted half of it before, but I can't find the thing.)

Characters: Jimmy Kaga-Ricci, Lister Bird, Rowan Omondi, OC (Abby Omondi), Angel Rahimi

Themes: older Ark, marriage proposal, coming out, grand gestures, The Ark Revival Tour, and peak Bicci romance (hopefully)

TWs: mentions of recovery from addiction, anxiety, food

Word count: 9k

JIMMY

It’s often impossible to pinpoint what exactly set off an event – or perhaps multiple – that changed your life as you knew it.

That was not Jimmy’s case, however. He remembered that Barbecue Saturday very well.

This time, it was Rowan and his spouse Abby who hosted. The two couples took turns and Jimmy was oh so grateful for it; the idea of managing Lister’s chaotic culinary experiments more than twice in one summer filled him with dread.

On Saturday morning, Jimmy and Lister packed up and drove all the way to the suburbs of London where Rowan and Abby lived. The sun was bright, everything gleamed buttery yellow, and Jimmy managed to talk Abby into letting him set the table and carry in all the food instead of her, which was quite an accomplishment. She was about as stubborn as her husband.

They rarely invited more than three extra people though. Being in the public eye in your formative years made you appreciate small gatherings of trustworthy people. And one of those proved to be Angel. Or, you know, Feresteh, but her nickname really stuck with them. From that time Jimmy nearly quit the band and Lister impaled himself and almost drowned in mud… yeah, call that a wild youth.

Over ten years later, they were hardly the same people.

After they decided to quit being The Ark for their own wellbeing and safety, Rowan kept his place in the music industry as a songwriter, producer and a solo artist. He went with the name Le Monde, a play on his surname as well as French for “the world”. It suited him. He was the world, never small, never just one thing.

Lister stopped being involved in music after a few collabs. While he was figuring out what to do next, he took a few modelling jobs, acted in music videos and got a small part in a sitcom. Jimmy used that time to get a college degree, but found he just wouldn’t be able to get the usual “college experience” he yearned for, and only got his diploma after doing classes long-distance.

Jimmy and Lister also got together. After many failed attempts at courtship and pretending being friends with benefits was enough… they got together. To Jimmy, it felt like it was inevitable; they have acted like partners long before it was official, they just needed to clean up their own messes before they could be a couple. It wouldn’t have felt right back then, but it did now.

Rowan was already at the grill preparing meat and wrapping camembert in shiny aluminium foil when Angel marched in, tall, elegant, beaming. Jimmy loved to see her again. Each time, she seemed a little more confident, more expressive, more… just more. She really did find her calling in the music industry, just as much as he found his tucked away in rural England with his boyfriend.

Yet, he was to be “tucked away” no longer.

At a certain point, their group fell momentarily silent; everyone was chewing their meal and soaking in the sun. Then Angel said, in an unfamiliar, cautious tone: “You see, I was talking to a couple of people…”

Rowan exchanged a quick look with Jimmy. “Go on,” he said.

“It’s gonna be ten years since you guys disbanded, you know.”

“I know,” Jimmy echoed.

“So. I was thinking. Hear me out, even if you think it’s bollocks…” Angel shot them a look, and then made a motion with her hand as if she was presenting them with something. “Have you ever thought of doing a revival concert?”

As Rowan did a theatrical “errrm”, Jimmy saw straight through his best friend’s bullshit: the two of them rehearsed this conversation. He knew Ro for most of his life, who did he think he was fooling?

His mind offered the answer quickly: Abby, perhaps. He wants to see how she would react, doesn’t he? Rowan would love to do a revival show like that, no doubt, but he valued his wife’s opinion too much to make a decision without her.

He felt movement on his left, and looked Lister in the eyes.

“Well,” said Lister, looking at him. “Wow, okay,” said Jimmy. Both were considering.

Angel swiftly picked up, “Just wanted to run this idea by you. Not because it’s me who would love to see you play once more – I mean, of course I would – but it’s expected to have an amazing turn-out.”

“Obviously, they’re The Ark,” Abby commented matter-of-factly.

“You’re right, Abby. So, guys? How are we feeling about this?”

It was bizzare. Normally, Jimmy would have expected to say he wasn’t at all interested – the boyband life was not for him anymore, tough luck – but recently, he felt a strong sense of nostalgia surge through him as the ten year mark got closer. He found himself reaching for his old guitar way more often, strumming at it, looking for something between the strings he could not reach.

Maybe he could do it just once.

What eventually came out of his mouth was… “I haven’t sung like that for a long time though.”

“You sing to me,” Lister contradicted him, his fingers intertwining with his. “All the time.”

Jimmy felt his face get hotter. “That’s hardly… Are you thousands of people?” He turned to Angel. “How many are we talking, anyway?”

She smiled a kind smile. “I don’t know, Jimmy, that depends on whether you three are up to it or not.”

Rowan cleared his throat. “Personally speaking, I think I wouldn’t mind, as long as we are just doing it once, and not trying for a comeback. I wouldn’t go there.”

“Same,” Lister nodded. “I love you guys, but I’m fine the way things are.”

“Right,” said Rowan firmly. “But… just this once, I mean, why not? We could use some extra money.” With this, he gently let his palm rest on Abby’s belly that swelled under her summer dress like a balloon. (Jimmy fought the urge to aww at them.)

Abby immediately assured him they were more than fine financially, but Rowan barely listened, clearly waiting for his former bandmates to say something. Jimmy felt Lister looking at him, unwavering. So he turned to him and asked, “What do you think? Cool or not?”

“I’m waiting for you to say.”

“Why?”

“Don’t want you to feel pressured or anything.”

“You shouldn’t… Just say what your opinion is!”

“You express your opinion,” Lister retorted, pretending to square his shoulders as a threat. Jimmy lovingly nudged him, and to stop being annoying to the remaining three people at the table, he shrugged, “It doesn’t sound so bad. One concert. I mean, we are still friends after all this time, so why not?”

“In that case, I would love to be the centre of attention again!” Lister exclaimed and gave Jimmy a boyish grin. “The crowd was deprived of my looks for too long.”

“Buddy, you were the drummer,” Rowan said. “Bold of you to assume anyone even looked at you with me and Jimmy jumping at the front.”

Jimmy snorted with laughter, but Lister was quick to defend himself. “Google all Lister Bird slash Reader fanfic and then we can talk about who got noticed, buddy.”

“Oi, you’re not even properly revived yet, stop fighting!” Angel called out, but laughter started bubbling from every direction before she even finished the sentence.

They had a proper business meeting about it in two weeks. And then another and another. When they announced the first date, the sales went through the roof. Jimmy had to get off of social media because the internet exploded with their names and faces. But he sort of found it a bit sweet, that so many people stuck around for them, like old friends that he never had the chance to talk to. One concert became three and then five, which was, honestly, more like a small tour at that point. Jimmy fought to call it After the Flood and won.

LISTER

“You really shouldn’t do that, you know. This bitch is hard to get rid of.”

Rowan tried to hide a small cough and put out his cigarette on the metal window sill next to him. “Hey,” he greeted Lister. “Didn’t expect you to come out here.”

“Yeah.” Lister found it hard to hang around smokers, and unfortunately, he met quite the number of them while they were in the process of rehearsing. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“What’s up?”

“Can we walk, like, over there? So… nobody can hear us through the door?”

Rowan eyed him suspiciously, but he followed him to the railing on the edge of the roof. There, he turned to him, seeming to fight himself.

“I’m really looking for a less shitty way to ask this,” he admitted eventually. “But… What have you done now, Lister?”

Lister felt a sort of numbed cramp seize his stomach for a second. It took a lot not to let anger overcome him. They were well over thirty, how the hell was Rowan still treating him like a fuck up? But no. This was more important than old grudges.

“Nothing! As of yet,” he assured his bandmate.

“Okay…?”

“Right. So. Erm. Nobody is here, right? Fine. I had this idea… you know, Jimmy and I have been together for a long time and I obviously care about him a lot, I always have, you kind of know that…”

“Yes, go on,” he pushed on gently.

“Fuck it. I want to fucking propose!”

A giant weight fell off his shoulders when he spoke those words aloud. It was like coming out all over again, god.

Rowan’s eyes twinkled. “Oooh,” he almost whispered, “and you need my help with that? I’m your man, tell me the plan!”

“There is none right now.”

“Oh, okay. I can still help if you want.”

This was another part Lister dreaded discussing.

“I… okay, so, I was thinking of… doing it on stage?”

His friend’s face changed rapidly.

Lister’s dream of a grand proposal to the love of his life in brilliant stage lights and the roars of the audience faded away. “That’s a no? That’s a no. Shit, forget it then.” He felt sick.

“Lister, I’m absolutely positive you mean well,” Rowan started. “But Jimmy would-“

Speak of the devil.

The door opened and out of it peaked Jimmy’s unshaven face. “Oh! There you both are.”

Rowan froze for a second. Lister was ready to improvise. “Alright, so how about I come by yours after practice and you transfer the files to me?” He smiled, but impaled Rowan with a meaningful look.

Fortunately, he caught on. “Oh yeah, yeah, that could work.”

“What files?” Jimmy inquired as he joined them, oblivious.

“Rowan has some of our old drafts still saved. I was thinking of squeezing in a drum solo somewhere, maybe with spoken word over it?”

“Sounds cool,” Jimmy smiled at him and slightly brushed the back of his hand with Lister’s. “Anyway, Dick the Sound Guy wants us all in there immediately.”

“Stop calling him that or I’ll have a Freudian slip at some point,” Lister laughed and guided Jimmy back into the building. Him and Rowan managed to exchange a subtle nod over the shorter man’s head.

JIMMY

As they were packing up that day, Jimmy tried incredibly hard to catch Rowan alone. Just like the old times when he needed to discuss something personal. And yet again, it involved Lister. Jimmy felt young and stupid again, but not really in a good way.

Finally, he managed to stop him while he was putting away the equipment. Lister was meanwhile in the office of their temporary new manager. “Ro, I need advice!” he whispered to his best friend.

“What about?”

“It’s Lister.”

“Oh dear Jesus, I’m having flashbacks.”

“Don’t be a dick, it’s important.”

“Okay then, tell me.”

“It kind of involves you too. Just… tell me if it’s a good idea.”

“Go on!”

“I want to, uh… I want to tell people Lister and I are a couple…” He took a breath. “Which means I would be coming out as gay as well, probably. I know that’s, like, a huge pile of drama, so if you don’t want me to complicate the tour, just say it, it’s honestly kind of irresponsible when I’m thinking about it now…”

“Jimbob. Easy.” Rowan waited for a second for Jimmy to wind down, leaning on a stack of five chairs, and then asked, “Are you really sure about it? Do you want people to know?”

Jimmy felt his thoughts humming in his head. He forced himself to say exactly how he felt.

“I know it’s gonna sound super dramatic, but I don’t want to die not saying it,” he explained slowly. “It became really important to me… I don’t know when. But it did. Talking about this part of me, too. I’m just worried about what Lister might say.”

“So I take it that you didn’t discuss this?”

“No way. I don’t even know how to start!” Jimmy exploded in loud whispering. “I should have talked to him a long time ago, but I just didn’t have the balls.”

“I get that, but… just bring it up. Like, theoretically. What if. I think he’s going to support you through it.”

“How could he?”

“What are you even saying at this point?

“You think he would like people sticking their nose in our personal business? I feel like it’s so unfair to him and his privacy… And I feel terrible about still wanting to do it… even though it’s inconsiderate. It’s all a fucking mess.”

“Okay, okay.” Rowan massaged his nose. He looked like he was trying incredibly hard not to snap at Jimmy and be at least somewhat encouraging. “Look, no spoilers, but I am going to say this. Lister absolutely will notbe mad and he will want to talk about the two of you if you give him the chance. That is all.”

“Wait, what? Ro, did he tell you something?”

“I am not talking!”

“Is that how you treat your best friend in a life crisis?!”

“You’re putting me in a life crisis, don’t you dare play the pity card! I swear, the two of you are a nightmare.”

“Rowan! Come back!”

LISTER

His visit to Rowan’s place was very brief, but it was enough for him to understand Rowan’s concerns. Eventually.

Lister explained that it didn’t feel appropriate for him to just whip out a ring in a restaurant: Jimmy was his love, his dream boy, as cliché as it sounded, and he wanted to do something that would measure up to all he was feeling. Which was… well, a whole lot. Like a “get down on one knee in front of thousands of people” lot.

And yet.

“It’s all great, and I’m sure there are people in the world that would love it, but we are talking about Jimmy.”

“Come on. I know, he’s private about… well, everything, but…”

“That, yes,” Rowan pointed at him while holding a can of coke, “but don’t you think this proposal on stage would be an anxiety-inducing situation? Because to me, that sounds like a lot of pressure and nerves.”

“He hasn’t had attacks since we moved and he went on those meds.”

“That doesn’t really –“

“Matter. Yeah. Yeah, I get your point, mate, he would die of shock. And everybody watching him. Fuck, I’m stupid.”

“No, you’re not,” Rowan grinned. “The two of you are just different… in some aspects. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”

Will I? Lister asked himself as he was driving back to the hotel that Jimmy and him were staying at for the time being. This was the only thing I came up with, like, ever.

When he swept his key card over the sensor and the door to their suite opened, he was greeted by the smell of dinner. He took a look into their little kitchen and found his boyfriend sitting at the table with his laptop. He didn’t notice him for a second, so Lister came up behind him and hugged him tightly.

Jimmy yelped.

“Where’s the food?!” Lister shook him a little, imitating Batman.

“Your hands are so cold!” Jimmy protested, but there was a trace of laughter in his voice. “On the stove, you bully!”

Lister almost flew over there, looking under the lid on the pot.

“Pasta,” Jimmy shrugged. “I needed my comfort food, so that’s that for you.” Lister smiled and thanked him, because yes, he was starving. Pasta was Jimmy’s go-to meal to cook, as it was quick to make and he was a pasta-sauce prodigy.

While his dinner was heating up in the microwave, Jimmy made small-talk about the supposed unused lyrics Rowan and him exchanged. Lister found it hard to lie to him, so he just turned to playful teasing, telling Jimmy to stop sniffing around, he’ll hear it when the time comes.

“Oh come on,” Jimmy huffed. “I’m just asking! And it’s my show, too. Spill it.”

“Sorry. Totally gonna steal your spotlight.”

“Lister, just tell me what it is.”

“A song.”

“What song?”

“A song that you have to wait for.”

“Babe, what song?!”

Lister took him by the waist and pulled him against his body. “Are you trying to ‘babe’ me into telling you right now? Is that what’s happening? Right in front of my pasta?” He went in for a kiss, and Jimmy tried to murmur something against his lips… but then he gave up. They leaned into each other and kept kissing until Lister pulled away to open the microwave. He got himself a fork and went to sit down after the long day, but Jimmy stayed there, right next to the sink. Looking a bit like he was going to hurl.

Before Lister could ask if he’s okay, Jimmy sat down on the other chair with a determined look on his face.

“There is something I need to discuss!” he blurted out.

Lister cautiously dropped the fork back into the bowl. “Okay…? And it’s something to do with me, yeah?”

“Yep. A lot to do with you.” He was visibly nervous. He clasped his hands together, as if Lister would have not noticed. “I… I was thinking about this one thing, and I need your opinion about it.”

“Cool. Go for it.”

“It’s about our relationship.”

“Are you aware you sound very sinister right now?”

He wildly shook his hands as if he wanted to dry them off. “Sorry, didn’t mean to,” he apologized in a strained voice. Then he cleared his throat, sharply lifted his eyes towards Lister’s and exclaimed, “I would like to reveal that we’re together.”

Lister felt everything about his face go lax in shock. He opened his eyes round and wide, his mouth followed, and Jimmy looked like he would faint.

“I, er. I just. I thought about it and I think it’s a decent idea and – please say something, Lister, before I get a fucking heart attack right now.”

It must have been so hard for him to speak up. Lister thought of his proposal plans and felt his mouth slowly form a smile. “I think it’s… brilliant! Yes, I would really like to do that!”

“Wait, really?”

“This is – I didn’t think you would want to, when did you change your mind?”

Jimmy shrugged, grinning in a sheepish way that made him look much younger. And cuter. “I thought I just… wanted to be open about this part of my life. Figured it’s time to say we are together. But if you, like, don’t feel like it, then…”

Lister beamed. “I feel like it. If you do, I do, trust me.” He walked around the table and lifted Jimmy into a hug. He laughed, relieved.

This was when it dawned on Lister… it was not such an easy matter. Exciting, yes, but it would gather all kinds of attention. He leaned onto the table, grabbed his dinner and him and Jimmy started talking about the situation it would put them in. If both are truly okay with it, how much would they reveal, when is the best time to do it. They kept talking through the bathroom door and while they were changing into pajamas in their bedroom.

As they were laying down and Lister gestured Jimmy to crawl into his arms, they became quieter. “You know why I also want to say it?” Jimmy mumbled, lying on the soft linen with one eye open.

“I’m all ears.”

“If I have to see one more article about which model or actress you’re screwing, I’m gonna lose the remaining marbles that I have.” Lister started chuckling as Jimmy awkwardly added, “Which is, admittedly, not many. Most have been lost in my youth.”

“Oh no,” Lister laughed and turned Jimmy’s face upwards to his. “So this just in: my boyfriend is possessive. Fancy that.”

“I’m not, it’s… I am… Oh, you hated Jowan, stop being smug.”

“I know I did, we both know. But jealous Jimmy? That’s a rare sight.”

“It’s just super uncomfortable. It’s all women, as well.”

“Heteronormativity is a bitch,” Lister nodded. He snuggled closer and let out a breath, “Don’t worry though. I am exclusively your problem.”

Jimmy kissed him, smiling. Lister felt lightheaded. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Jimmy’s. He loved this – he loved how much he felt for him after so long they have been together. It never ceased or faded away… because it was Jimmy.

Lister was pretty sure he would love him until his last day on Earth.

It was time to start looking for a ring.

JIMMY

Not much later, they had a team meeting scheduled with all the important people at their recording company that were involved with their tour. Jimmy and Lister announced their intention to come out during the tour, and with Rowan’s full support, it wasn’t too hard to win the producers over. Jimmy had anticipated the PR people would deem it overly risky to their image, but they were fairly chill. As Rowan had put it, “As if anything about The Ark was ever about pandering to conservatives.”

They agreed that their demographic is absolutely different, and before they knew it, they were being ignored while people were exchanging speculations about how it all could help them promote the tour.

“If they do it on, like, the second show…”

“…we could sell some extra tickets after… another wave…”

“…that would probably be a good time to release a single, something related to…”

Jimmy felt something in his chest sink. This is why they left. These people took something good, something from their hearts and souls, and wanted to turn it into money. Some part of him understood, that’s how business works, but mostly, he just felt really sad for them.

“Oi!” Lister exploded over the chatter. “Sorry, but we are still here, and – Could you maybe not act like this coming out is a marketing tactic?!”

The room went briefly silent.

Jimmy squeezed his hand under the table to say a silent thanks. Then he choked out, “That’s not why we’re doing it!”

Their producer looked at them over the top of her reading glasses.

“Of course it’s not, love,” she cooed. “But to say it bluntly, I think you need all the help you can get.”

After many weeks and many briefings, they had agreed on making the announcement on the third show. Right in the middle of tour. Everybody was nervous, expectant, but there was this air of hopefulness when Jimmy and Lister ended up alone together. The glimmer in his partner’s eye when their eyes met promised something… no, it was not living absolutely openly, they still wanted privacy. But it felt like they were sealing something.

This was not an easy coming out.

But they were in for it. Together.

LISTER

“Just so I know,” Rowan said as Lister was trying to take off his Doc Martens with all his might, “what did you tell Jimmy this time?”

“We’re still working on music.”

“We should really make something then, before you go. I am not gonna lie to my childhood best friend, y’know.”

Finally, the boot came off, and Lister got off the little cabinet in Rowan’s hall. Abby was already making tea, and when she saw him walk by the kitchen door, she just nodded at him. Lister smirked at her; she loved pretending to still be mad at him for taking Rowan to a strip club on his stag night. (Or was it dancing on the table at the wedding reception? Anyhow.)

Rowan sat him down in the lounge and started the conversation with: “So. The big reveal is getting closer. How are we feeling?”

“I – great, good. I’m fine, and Jimmy seems to be fine, so yeah, we’re fine.”

“But I assume that’s not what you need help with?”

“You assume right. I will need you to bear with me, though.”

“That sounds interesting,” Rowan retorted and flashed a smile at Abby who was bringing them two steaming mugs of earl gray. “And when I say interesting I mean impending doom, why thank you, Abby!”

“No problem.” She slowly leaned over, careful not to lose balance with her belly, and kissed him on the forehead. “I’ll be off for my swimming class then. You two behave, will you.”

As she was making her way to the hall, Lister jokingly remarked, “No goodbye kiss for me?”

She stopped in the middle of the room and exchanged a glance with Rowan. Rowan, stirring his tea with a teaspoon, said, “Please don’t kill him, I need him for the concert.”

“Come on, you guys, I was fully kidding. Goodbye, Abby,” he waved to her with a bright smile. “Enjoy your swimming stuff!”

“Thank you, will do.” She disappeared.

“Just a question!” he called after her. She came back with an eyeroll. “Is it, like, harder to swim when you are pregnant? Like, I don’t mean to insult you or anything, I’m just genuinely wondering.”

She, too, put aside her snarky façade for a second. “Actually, I go there because it’s relieving. The water makes you float, so the weight of the baby is taken off my back and legs for a little while.”

“Oh! That’s clever.”

“Thank you. The more you know, am I right?”

“You know what I was just thinking of?”

“Yeah? I really have to go.”

“When you’re swimming, you’re a human submarine for the baby.”

It seemed to take Abby a minute to realize what he was saying. Very slowly, she brought her palm to her forehead.

Rowan then didn’t make it much better by adding, “Since when does a submarine have water inside? That would defeat the purpose.”

Lister thought about it and then gasped. “So… right now, you are a reverse human submarine!”

Abby looked at them both, clearly lost for words. “I’ll just go…” She closed the lounge door behind her.

After a good ten minutes of Rowan half laughing and half chastising Lister for saying the things he says, Lister threw his hands up in the air and claimed they seem to have “traded their sense of humour for a marriage certificate” two years ago.

Rowan immediately followed: “Speaking of marriage, any updates on that? You and…?”

“Well, my friend, that is precisely what we need to talk about today.”

“Okay. The meeting is officially in session, go.”

“First: am I the only one that was really surprised by Jimmy wanting to make us public? Because I really didn’t expect that at all.”

“Yeah, I guess he’s still full of surprises, huh?”

“That he is. However, Ro, I was thinking, and I still want to do a proposal. No – let me finish, it’s not that straightforward. I spent a lot of time talking to Jimmy about what he wants and how he sees the future, and you were super right in saying that I should never put him on the spot like that. Being so exposed to the public when we were kids messed with us in a big way, all of us.”

Rowan snapped his fingers in agreement.

“The idea is… It would be a proposal before a proposal. Like… I don’t know, announcing that I have the intention of proposing to him soon. And asking him if he is okay with that, you know? If he’s okay with the idea of saying yes. That way,” Lister gesticulated with his hands, “he’s not forced right there to say yes, the eventual real proposal can be sort of expected, which would calm him down a bit, but still a surprise, because when is it going to happen? I’m not saying.”

Rowan stared at him for about three seconds. “That was… a whole thing, buddy.”

“Thoughts?”

“I’m just trying to wrap my head around this. Wait. You want to do a proposal before the actual proposal.”

“Yes.”

“On stage. At the same time you are announcing that the two of you are together?”

“No! I mean, I don’t think so. I thought like, more at the end, maybe.”

“Proposal before a proposal…”

“It’s clever, if you think about it.”

“To me, it just seems very extra, Lister. Which I know is your trademark, but –”

“No, but listen. I want to propose to Jimmy. He wouldn’t survive a big flashy proposal, but I still want to make it a big deal, because it is. Ergo, I announce that I want to spend the rest of my stupid little life with him and ask him if it is okay to propose to him one day, likely soon.”

Rowan’ expression changed. “That does make sense,” he said. “For the two of you, especially.”

“Okay then: dear dad, do I have your blessing?”

“Never call me that again. But yes.”

“You are the closest to being a father out of all of us.”

“That is not what it sounds like and you know it.”

JIMMY

The first show was an explosion of feeling and memories. Nauseous with anxiety, burdened with expectation and weak in the knees, Jimmy ran into his first appearance on the stage the same way he would run into the middle of the highway. The lights and screams and colours almost blew him to pieces and then glued him back together. His first words addressed to the crowd and the earth-shattering screams that came in answer woke something in him, a force of nature. The gig was rather small compared to those they ended on ten years ago, but the crowd loved them to pieces and oh, he felt so alive.

The second show was slightly bigger, yes, and their fans didn’t disappoint. Plenty of pride flags were chucked at him, and he waved them and gave them to his mates and it made him even more excited about what him and Lister were going to do the next time round. These people stayed with them for so long, this sea of faces that looked toward him… for many of them, he would be the representation they need, again.

He remembered being a young trans boy, questioning if there is a life, a future, for him. Where were all the queer adults? The trans adults? How could he imagine adult life if he had never seen someone like him live it?

There he was, now. Adult. Gay. Transgender. A lot of time, he still knew very little about what he was doing, but he had a boyfriend who knew equally little, and together, they might be just what some queer kid in the crowd yearns to see.

LISTER

It was D-Day. Christ and Mary, it was, and they were going to say it. Finally. The staff have been informed, the security has been strengthened, they did everything so that some fan wouldn’t try and knock them the fuck out…, but he was still incredibly nervous. Minutes before the show, among all the rush and flourish, he caught Jimmy and pulled him to the side, apologizing to a couple of sound guys securing some cables on the ground.

“How are you doing?” he blurted out.

“I’ll die, but maybe in a good way. You?”

“Same. Or I’ll throw up, in a bad way.”

“Wait really?”

“No, I’m sick, but not the vomiting kind.”

“Anxiety! Welcome to the club!” Jimmy shouted as he was being ushered away under the stage so he could come up on a platform.

More pushing, more ushering, and he stood next to Rowan.

Their intro – a dramatic organ solo as light flashed through the artificial fog like sunbeams – was rumbling all around them. The crowd was losing their minds. He didn’t know how, but he still heard Rowan whisper:

“Lister, promise me you won’t do the other thing today!”

“Told you I won’t, stop being patronizing!” he snapped back, but then it was their time, and they were on a stage, coming up from behind Jimmy, each on every side, acting astonished as they supposedly came down from Noah’s Ark onto new land.

Listed dared to put his hand on Jimmy’s shoulder as they did so.

The show was on.

Here we go.

JIMMY

During the concert, he used every opportunity to interact with the audience that he had. It felt a bit manipulative at first – he wanted them to be up for a bit of talking, eventually – but then the feeling of guilt faded away. However complicated his relationship with the fans used to be, these people were the fans. They stayed loyal to them, they kept their music in their hearts, and came to this revival gig…

It would be okay, okay, okay.

When the last accords of the last song whizzed away into the night and he was thanking the crowd that stomped and cheered and waved signs in hope of an encore… he stopped at the front of the stage. Rowan strummed a few last cords on the guitar and fell silent.

He wished he had somewhere to sit down. His legs were shaking.

But he was not afraid. Not really.

“Now, you guys, these shows are very special for us. Because every single one of you, as we’re standing here and looking at each other, you have been waiting for so long…” His voice was drowned out by cheers. “For so long, you have not forgotten us, you came to our shows, you have been amazingly supportive, and I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart!” He shouted the last few words as the sea of faces roared in joy.

When they calmed down again, he continued. “And because you are the ones that stuck with us… because of that, I would like to say a few things to you.

If you know about the days of my youth…” Pause as people laughed and shouted affirmations at him. “…you would probably remember that I was presumed to be in a relationship with a person that is standing on the stage with me, right now.”

It was good that only a few people cheered. But it made him sick to the stomach, still.

“Okay, no,” Rowan came in, and people applauded, and he pointed at them with a not-so-fake scolding look, “no, no, don’t you woo at me, young lady. This is so utterly not a thing! Jimmy has never left the friendzone!”

“Same here,” Jimmy laughed and patted Rowan across the back, maybe a little too hard, overcompensating. “Did you all, like, miss that Rowan came out as straight all those years ago?”

People were laughing. Nobody really cared, they just found it funny. Rowan claimed he was leaving it to Jimmy before “the PR team has me taken out”, and retreated a few steps, leaving Jimmy to face the crowd again.

Deep breaths, he told himself.

“What I wanted to say was that there was one thing that those people back then got right.” Breathe in, breathe out. “I am gay.”

Two seconds of silence and then an absolute thunderstorm of an applause. A rainbow pride flag landed at his feet and Jimmy took it, with meek laughter, and put it around his shoulders. He heard Rowan cheer and clap too, and for what felt like years, he couldn’t get a word in. He wished the whole world could be like this.

“I – gosh, thank you all, I’m not sure whether it was a surprise,” he finally managed to say, his voice breaking a little from surprise, “but yeah. I am a trans, gay man…” The hall exploded with joyous noise. “…and it’s not all that there is to me, but I’m here. And queer. Hello.”

He thought he was going to pass out. He had a clever segway prepared, but he couldn’t remember a word of it. This was the moment. He wanted to say it, but at the same time… How could he? It was so hard, why do things have to be so hard?

“The other… the second thing,” he said, gripping the pride flag. “It is that… wow, it’s hard. It’s that I am…” He felt himself turn around, and like a lost child call: “Lister?”

Lister climbed out from behind the drum set instantly. Nobody cheered, there were only confused whispers. Jimmy looked at him, asking for help without words, and he knew, as he always did. Jimmy found a place to look, above the crowd, beyond everything, as Lister stepped in and slowly took his hand.

“The second thing is that we are together,” Lister said, his voice steady.

And the crowd lost it.

There were people wailing in happy tears. Screaming at the top of their lungs. A dissonance of chanting their names, all at a different rhythm, before Rowan ran up to them and hugged them and spurred the crowd on, and they stood there wrapped in a pride flag, and Jimmy was kind of crying and leaning on Lister, and it was another half an hour of a pure mess, before they really left the stage with their ears buzzing and eyes wide.

Jimmy and Lister tumbled into a corner somewhere, and Jimmy had happy tears streaming down his cheeks and they were kissing and holding each other and shaking.

“Oh, I’m such a mess,” Jimmy laughed as he was smearing tears and foundation on his sleeve.

“And I love you so much,” Lister blurted out in a moment of raw honesty.

“Me too,” Jimmy took one of his hands and kissed the palm. “I love you so fucking much it’s unreal sometimes.”

LISTER

This was, hands down, the most jittery Lister got before a show. Ever.

Currently, he found himself sat at an old sofa in the dressing room, hands clasped and both legs involuntarily jumping up and down. Was it annoying? Likely. But he had to let his knees jump in such a vigorous way because if he hadn’t, his teeth might start clattering.

He hated that he couldn’t just be pumped and excited. He had to feel this unsettling, buzzing mess of an emotion. Anxiety, as Jimmy informed him. This is what it’s like for an anxious person, he said… except make it all the time and often for no real reason.

Lister shook his head a little.

His reason, too, was basically nothing. He knew. As if Jimmy would actually reject him or something…

Or would he?

Maybe he could? Oh God, maybe he could…

“Hey! You’re actually scaring me, what’s up with you?!”

Lister blinked in confusion. He saw Jimmy as he was making his way over. A half scolding, half worried look decorated his face.

He lowered his voice when he added: “The last time I saw you like this was when you had withdrawal symptoms. You can tell me if that’s what it is.”

“It’s not that. I’m fine,” Lister insisted. Crap, he was panicking too hard to actually come up with anything convincing. Come on, Bird, focus… He’s onto you…

“Actually,” Rowan’s voice travelled to them from the corner, “I just think we had weird coffee.”

“What? But you’re fine.”

“Yeah, well,” Rowan continued to make up a story, “we both got one, but I didn’t like the taste, it was too strong. Lister felt bad for throwing them out so he finished both of them, didn’t you?”

“Ye-Yes,” he finally caught on. Had to admit, Ro was impressive at this. Lister started to believe what their friend used to say: that he can lie very well, he just chooses not to. “I didn’t want to waste it. The coffee.”

“Lister,” Jimmy grunted in disbelief, hands on his hips. “That was a brilliant idea, you walnut! Look at yourself, you’re gonna be sick now!”

“I’m not.”

“You look it.”

“I’m just…” He rubbed his clammy hands together. “I’m just anxious I guess.”

“Well, no shit. Why do you think I avoid caffeine?” Jimmy sighed and dropped into a squat in front of Lister. He took Lister’s hands in his. “Seriously, are you okay? You’re not gonna have a heart attack, are you?”

“No, babe. I’m alright.” The last thing he wanted was for his boyfriend to be anxious too.

He looked down at Jimmy. The realization dawned on him, as he noticed that his partner dropped onto one of his knees to be more comfortable; very soon, the roles will be reversed. It will be Lister down on one knee, only Jimmy would be standing up in that case…

Okay.

Wow.

This is what true internal screaming felt like.

“You need water, as in now,” Jimmy decided and jumped up. “I’ll need you to drink at least three glasses before we start, that should help.”

He rushed out of the room to get hands on some water. Rowan and Lister looked at each other, the pretence gone.

“Alright?” Rowan nodded.

“I’m fucking choking, dude,” Lister replied.

It almost looked as if his friend was going to give him advice, or maybe say something generic and calming… but instead, Rowan let out a small laugh. Lister’s lips started twisting without him giving the command.

And then the two collapsed laughing. The pressure of this being the very last show and the knowledge of what Lister was about to do at the end of it were just the right recipe for hysterics.

Jimmy didn’t bother to ask twice what the joke was, as long as they promised they weren’t laughing at him.

-----------------------------------

As the concert was coming to an end and the crowd was cheering and chanting for an encore, Rowan seized the opportunity and called: “Alright, friends, we would like to indulge you in a little experiment! Can you join me at the front, Lister?”

Lister got out from behind the drum set and jogged to meet the rest of the group. Jimmy smiled, but his eyes studied both of them suspiciously. “What is this?”

Lister lazily raised his arms with the palms of his hands towards the crowd. “I have to admit, we kind of didn’t tell Jimmy what this is about. Sorry, my guy.” People laughed. Rowan signalled someone backstage, as Lister added: “But just so you don’t feel left out, you can have this triangle.” A nervous assistant handed Jimmy the instrument and ran off again.

Everybody was jeering and whistling, but there was an air of anticipation in the air.

“Oh wow, that’s generous of you,” Jimmy grimaced.

“I know, right? Anyhow.” Lister took a step forward, trying to calm himself. He could do this. He had acting jobs, he could absolutely pull this off.

He was Lister freaking Bird! He was the fan favourite!

“Dear audience, allow me to tell you a tale,” he addressed the crowd in his best narrator voice. A couple of screams rose from the crowd, but everyone else was listening intently. Behind him, Rowan started strumming a little melody on his guitar – one they created especially as a backdrop to Lister’s talk.

“I know this is a little unusual,” Lister admitted to the sea of people, “I know that you’re used to stories coming to you via this man’s voice,” he pointed at Jimmy, “and this man’s lyrics.” Rowan. “I know that I am just a simple drummer in this arrangement. But today, I will do the voice and the words. Because, well… Talking all the time is the one thing I am actually good at.”

That made the crowd laugh. Good. Great.

“But now, on with the story!” he exclaimed and made a motion with his hands as if he was showing them a canvas.

“Picture this. We are all fifteen, stuffed into a tiny studio in London,” he smiled, as if nostalgic. His voice flowed out of him in a steady melody, like the hum of a river. “We all had that awkward long hair phase – yes, I see some true veterans in the audience today. Good,” he smiled at a couple of girls in the front who seemed to know exactly which haircuts he meant. He raised his hands again. “I am sitting outside the recording room, behind the glass. On the other side, there’s Jimmy. I can see him clearly, I hope you can too,” he said, keeping his dreamy smile. “The giant black hoodie. The fringe almost hiding his eyes. Jimmy waits for the cue, bouncing up and down,” he chuckled as he swayed up and down on his toes, “and then starts singing the interlude in our first album. It’s only about two lines that we need to record, but I remember wishing it lasted longer. Obviously. Because his voice is amazing.”

The audience started yelling and swooning at once. Lister was honestly more okay looking at them than if he had to look at Jimmy and see what his reaction is.

Now, here comes the real cliché.

“But then,” he paused with real embarrassment in his voice, “then he looked up from under his hair… at me, with those big brown eyes… and asked me, if he was okay.”

Breathe in, and:

“My friends, that was the moment I have fallen for Jimmy Kaga-Ricci.”

A roar of screams started rising from the audience, when Rowan strummed dramatically on the guitar, as if something tragic had happened. Lister shot a look at Jimmy and found him laughing. Surprised, but amused.

Thank fuck. I’ve never told him that before.

On the outside, he theatrically turned to Rowan and scolded him: “I was just getting sentimental here?”

Rowan shrugged and strummed a more positive jingle. Everyone laughed and clapped. Lister was starting to enjoy this, actually. He sighed and walked forward onto a prolonged platform where Jimmy was usually stood on.

“Well, maybe my trusty assistant was right with the sound effects,” he admitted jovially. “Because my crush absolutely did not like me back for years. Hey, but that’s not to throw shade at the guy,” he added quickly to prevent any pitiful reaction that would make Jimmy feel bad. “Because you have to consider that I was and still am a bloody mess of a person.” That amused the listeners. Lister turned round, as he exclaimed. “I am the creator of problems, the maker of terrible decisions. We can all agree that Jimmy is a lovely lad…” He had to pause for the overwhelming reaction in support of that statement. “Yes, he is, but inflicting my teenage self upon him, that would just not be right.”

Jimmy suddenly clanked the metal stick against the triangle in an absolute cacophony to draw attention to himself. “Excuse me,” he called to Lister, “could you stop insulting yourself? I would enjoy that.”

A girl somewhere below them screamed as if she was getting murdered. They exchanged a quick glance, as if to say a little yikes, but then Lister laughed it off.

“Sorry, sorry,” he continued. “Through it all, Jimmy was always here for me. He was one of my first real friends. He was understanding when I needed it most, and ready to kick my ass when I needed it most.” He smiled at his boyfriend and hoped his voice is not shaking. “Look at you, Jimmy! I’m being embarrassing in front of hundreds of people and you still haven’t walked off stage.”

Jimmy laughed and lightly hit the triangle. He was ever the professional, but his eyes glimmered in curiosity. Expectation.

Lister kept looking at him. Rowan was strumming a slightly different melody now, and if Lister did say so himself, the atmosphere was fucking perfect.

“What I want to say is…, I feel that we were together before we got together. We were always partners. A great team. Maybe you wouldn’t think the same,” he admitted to Jimmy, “but a girl can dream. Oh! A rhyme!” He exclaimed to a symphony of awwws and ooohs. People were laughing again, clapping here and there. “That will be the only time!” Lister made a face of feigned shock. “Or not? Wow, I’m unpredictable!”

“You’re hot,” Jimmy rhymed with unexpected confidence.

The crowd was screaming their heads off at this interaction. Even Lister was a little flustered. He came back to his bandmates and gestured toward Jimmy, who was still smirking a little. “And he can improv, what’s not to like, honestly!”

Now, there came the challenge. Lister took a deep breath and prayed to all deities that were listening for this to come off as more sweet than cringy.

His voice fell into a different rhythm. One he kept studying every possible minute from any good slam poetry or original poem reading he could find online.

“But now, if our audience permits,” he put one hand on his chest, turning directly to Jimmy, “I would like to address you. Because, dear Jimmy, although I love each face in the crowd, my friends, my family, those that are both… I can state loud and proud that the biggest part of my heart goes to you.” He grinned sheepishly at Jimmy’s stunned expression, when he added: “If not all of it.”

“I can only guess what goes on in that mind, whether you think this is suspicious or kind… I can’t know these things. But there is one thing I do know. That no matter how much we grow, what we lose and what we gain, through all the smiles and all the pain, I will love you. It’s as big and as small as this. And today was an opportunity I couldn’t miss. So, nobody panic, stay in your seats. It’s not what it looks like.”

He got down on one knee in front of his boyfriend.

Jimmy gasped in sync with the audience: “Lister!” He backed away.

“Oh no, mister, don’t panic,” Lister retorted. That managed to amuse Jimmy a little – that he would know this would be the reaction. The audience was still going absolutely wild. Another pride flag just about missed Lister’s left ear.

“As I said, it’s not what it looks like. And I’m sick of rhyming by now, so…” He reached for Jimmy’s hand. Pulled it down to his by the triangle and encouragingly pressed a thumb into his palm. “I wanted to tell you – in a way that means something – that I don’t see myself living my life with anyone but you. So I have a question. Can you imagine me proposing in the near future?”

Jimmy looked like he suddenly couldn’t speak any human language. The only thing that came from his open lips was: “Huh?”

He was trying not to panic. To explain it well. Better than he had to Rowan.

“I would like to start talking about marriage. With you. I’m asking your permission to… go pick out a ring, perhaps. And propose to you. One day.”

“You want to…” He was trying so hard to make sense of this situation. Lister could almost hear the wheels in his brain clanking and whirring. After a second, Jimmy blurted out about the last thing Lister expected. “You really want to marry me?”

He had to laugh. That sounded so bizarre! You have the wrong number, I don’t think you want to marry me, of all people. As if.

Covering Jimmy’s hand with both of his own, he answered: “Who else, Jimmy?”

As there was no instant reply, Lister felt the audience grow impatient.

This was the time to smooth things out. Make it amusing.

“Okay, I don’t want to stress you out. You can just think about it,” he ensured his partner. But I just wanted to let you know my, er, intentions.” Wow, great choice of words, Bird. But was there any better? He decided to make fun of himself a little when he sarcastically added: “Because this is the regency era, apparently.”

People were losing it. However, Lister was only looking at Jimmy now… and realized that the eyes of his boyfriend were welling up with tears as he looked down. Were they happy or sad tears? Shit.

“Oh…” Lister managed to say, when Jimmy dropped the triangle on the floor with a thud and shakily took Lister’s face into his soft palms.

His voice was trembling with emotion, as he answered:

“Allister Bird, I would love to marry you. I don’t think you even need to propose again.”

Before Lister could even register what he meant, Jimmy leaned down and gently pressed a kiss at his forehead. This was probably as close to kissing in public as Jimmy would ever allow.

Lister finally realized. He realized.

At the same time, Jimmy dropped down and Lister shot up. They embraced each other tightly, a mess of crumpled clothes and limbs and teary laughing, and Lister almost lifted Jimmy off the ground as he was happy-crying into the shorter man’s shoulder.

They heard Rowan screaming at the top of his lungs: “HE SAID YES, PEOPLE!” His voice was drowned out by the massive storm of excited screams that wouldn’t seize for good twenty minutes after.

But Lister and Jimmy didn’t really pay attention.

Paradoxically, although everyone could see them – and everyone would see them, as the news probably already travelled through the internet at the speed of light – it felt like this moment was theirs alone.

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