#i started to doubt if it was worth it.
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(This is kind of a vent but no TW)
I SOMEHOW SPONTANEOUSLY LOST A PERMISSION SLIP FOR A ONE IN A LIFETIME FIELD TRIP NEXT MONTH TO A THEATER TO MEET ANIMATION DIRECTORS DUE TODAY, HOSTED BY ONE OF MY MOST OLDEST, STRICTEST TEACHERS EVER AND EVEN THOUGH I'M THE ONLY KID IN HER ANIMATION CLASS THAT DOES SHIT I DOUBT SHE'LL GIVE ME AN EXTRA PAGE. I'M FUCKING DEVASTATED. THERE IS NO GOD.
#txt#mild vent#i say āmildā just cause it's nothing too dark but i'm prob gonna cry about this when i got back to bed#or even if I go back to bed.#I know it's the most main character thing to say#but I genuinely feel like the world is against me sometimes.#like this time half a year ago when I was going to a concert#It was so cramped#there were so many people#my dad was cramped up against me. it was very uncomfortable.#i started to doubt if it was worth it.#the band didn't even seem like it'll show up.#me and my dad stepped out but just when we did they showed up with all these cool ass effects and played MY FAVORITE SONG!!!!#I tried to get back in but so many other fans were blocking the entrance. I nearly screamed.#so yeah#this is why I'm an atheist (I'm looking at you my conservative ass mom)#even when you force me to pray shit like this still happens#also IT'S BEEN SO FUCKING HARD FOR ME TO TYPE OR SPELL ALL WEEK#HOW DID I SUDDENLY IMPROVE NOW!?#...#fml
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Hi!! Your Cherik is so good and gorgeous š¤©š¤© If you don't mind wanna try to draw some Fall of X Cherik please?
thank you so much !!
i have a couple of ideas relating to the fall of x period specifically since theres. A Lot i wanna play with, so i hope this lil thing may be a satisfactory start :]]
and the obligatory bonus:
#xmen#xmen comics#fall of x#cherik#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#erik magnus lehnsherr#max eisenhardt#professor x#magneto#snap sketches#for clarity on of this tag ramble im calling magneto max OK ok#sorry it took me a while to answer- ive been busy this week !#but yah like i said theres a lot of Fall Of X moments i wanna poke at#one i really wanted to doodle around was max's time with the shadow king from Resurrection of Magneto#the third issue is prob my fave in general if im so tbh .... but i wont prattle bout that ill go back to my previous prattle#i dont think i have a comic in mind prob just a doodle with shadow charles....#i mean if im devious enough i can def turn it into a comic but for now i just know i wanna do something with that#honestly even this moment i might revisit when i have more time to draw something. a lil better#i dont hate this its a sound start- but i THINK i wanna draw a smooch. a lil kiss. idk we'll see#cause im cheeky like that. 'will this be the last time i see you' 'girl idk we can kiss about it though' etc etc#god not to get off topic but im so curious what will happen with these two ... but thats for a diff post i guess#honestly if you guys have any runs i should read lemme know !! i just finished way of x and bar that ive just been reading the 60s issues#i have a couple on my list i wanna check out but im always excited to look into recs if yall think theyre worth it !!#but ya. thats all from me for now#my time is so finite this week i hope i can draw these sillies again soon .. i have a lot of ideas i fear#maybe i can sneak in one more doodle tonight ... <- doubtful
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Having digested that chapter a bit I will say, if weāre going to have one parent thatās mildly homophobic and itās going to be an issue I do prefer it being Navani. If I it was Dalinar Iād just be disappointed in him, there are so many layers of issues between them already that I donāt think it would add anything.
Navani however has always been so loving and affectionate with the boys, and we see how she meddles in Adolinās dating life so Renarinās relationships is something that they should be able to talk about as well theoretically. Except they canāt. I can see the potential for a more interesting discussion there when/if he does eventually come out to her
#as if theyāre gonna have time to discuss any relationships#I doubt Renarin wants her to figure out Rlains favorite fruit and buy a bunch of it to give him#but Iām talking on principle here#sa5#kowt#sa5 spoilers#kowt spoilers#wind and truth#wind and truth spoilers#wat spoilers#ngl if Dalinar started going all homophobic Iād probably ask Renarin at what point that relationship is even worth salvaging anymore#like something has to be a dealbreaker#at some point#hoping that comment doesnāt come back to bite me#āhaving digestedā lol I wrote this last monday after work#youāre getting it now before the new chapters come out tho#giving Navani flaws makes her nuanced and interesting#Dalinar has reached the limit there already
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Magic/Fantasy!!
Crossover with Bulgakov's "The Master and Margarita". Aizawa is the Master, Izuku is Margarita.
Inspired by all the fanfics that came out today <3
"ā I am delighted, - Uraraka sang monotonously, - we are delighted, the king is delighted.
ā The king is delighted, - Iida whined behind his back.
ā I am delighted, - Nedzu cried out."
#I doubted whether it was worth it BUT THEN FANFICS STARTED TO COME OUT AND#I don't think I can call myself part of this event#but It's really inspiring AKDKFJAK#mha#bnha#my hero academia#boku no hero acedamia#aizawa shouta#eraserhead#deku#izuku midoriya#aideku#eraserdeku#master and margarita#bnha crossover#mha crossover#master and margarita crossover
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#thanks dad#thanks for making me feel guilty for existing#i donāt understand him really#iām sure itās the screens dad#it couldnāt be the fact that you constantly tell me iām not doing enough#or making me feel like iām not worth anything#it also couldnāt be the fact that iām fucking scared to cry near you#every time i cry near you you scare the shit out of me#you make me feel worse#this all started because of a question#i asked him if itās okay for me to plug my ipad in overnight not by the door#he got mad at me#he started to make me feel bad#i donāt know what to do#he makes me feel guilty for existing#he makes me feel horrible#and i doubt everything i write#i doubt if iām even telling the truth#he says i have a good life#people have it worse from me#i deserve to suffer#i donāt deserve his kind words#i donāt know#please help me lord and just make him not scare me#my parents have two sides#my dad is anger and scares me#my mom is sadness and guilts me#to be fair i was playing roblox the whole day but i did what i needed to#and my mom is having a hard time mh grandma has issues#but i just wish they wouldnāt hurt me (yeah i said hurt they have seriously damaged my mental health)
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I know the last miles are the longest....
I think I just really need to get railed in the worst way on a balcony somewhere in Florence. Then followed by taking my brain out sea and leaving it to air dry on a clothes line till it's all fresh again šļæ½ļæ½ļæ½ļ潚¹š·
#š¤#Working so hard to catch my set deadline upcoming October 1st (then 2 weeks of tying up the loose ends until mid-October + checking errors)#But I need to guard it doesn't start to adversely affect my mental health at this point. ugh#I'm just tired after this summer. Yet excited to finally work on actualy projects soon#But I feel I got to jump through so many hoops now: continually proving my worth + talents + skills. And I have yet to launch my career...#It'll be okay. I'm fierce. But god knows I need someone to fuck my brains out then hold me on their chest and tell me I'm good#I've come so far and there's no time for doubt now. But the insecurties whether I will succeed or not can be daunting and heavy still
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I have now made it to six weeks, I think, of my daily mini workouts. Unfortunately doing it this consistently has in fact not made it any easier in the slightest. In honesty, it is harder because I do not have the momentum of the initial change. I am still going though
In reality too I probably have 2-3 weeks left at most that I will do, because after that I will no longer be home alone in the apartment. Still will have been worth doing I hope, so that I can do it easier when I eventually have the space long term
#i just truly hate being observed doing anything#i hate showering when people are home#i hate working doing a singular push up while people are around#i hate cooking or doing basically any activity that is purely 'for me' when others are around#it's something worth pushing back on i know#but in many ways it is sort of one of those things that is just like.... in me so deep that i dont think i could like#ever stop being uncomfortable it would just be another discomfort i would put up with#because in many ways i DO#because i do have to make food for myself and i do have to shower and whatever else#but once you get past the list of 'have-to's it makes it kinda impossible to want to add in optionals#which again i feel like this is my core emotional relationship with the world#there is almost nothing i cant do if i set my mind to it#but that has no bearing on my comfort level#so i spend all my discomfort on the things there is no negotiating#like man i was thinking how it's so crazy that im 30 and who knows the last time i kissed someone#and in many ways i doubt it will happen ever again#which is like a shame i liked it that was cool#i remember being in head over heels love multiple times in my life#but man i don't think i could coordinate getting that going now#i have to make three meals a day and do my laundry and go to work and buy groceries#i have to brush my teeth and floss#i have to take showers and take my clothes off before and out them back on my wet skin after#every time i eat i have to clean my bowls and dry them#and now it's the winter so if ive been washing dishes i should really moisturize my hands#so where in the hell is anyone supposed to fit falling in love in all that?#and dont even get me started on allowing them into my bedroom
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Human jackjack concepts
#started off with discussing Hazbin au concepts with my partner#I like to think if jackjack was in the hellverse he'd be severely depressed- lack of supportive parents for his transition#he was a good person in his life and thought the world of his friends- but ultimately got screwed over by people he trusted#causing him to self harm and eventually take his own life by a bullet when life pushed him too far- which ended him up in hell#I imagine as a snake demon jackjack would have a big X on the side of his head under his beanie- hence why he never takes it off#so in hell he generally avoid people- he has trust issues and difficulty opening up to others. but once he hears about the hazbin hotel#he's one of the first to apply for a room after it's rebuilt. he believes he can be redeemed in no time#I like to think after jackjack fell he had a crisis about questioning his self worth as a person or doubts if he's even good at all#he's just a sad dude who's kindness was taken for granted#sid's art#jackjack#sona#oc
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out here watching the first episode of Uzamaki going "yay yippee hehe yay" and stimming as I watch an old man devolve into a spiral of madness
#my posts#The handflapping is a new thing the older I get the more things I recognize lmao#Starting to doubt my diagnosis of Nothing Wrong With Me#Anyways. Been waiting so long!!! It was worth it!!! Goddamn#It's so pretty I can't WAIT to see the lighthouse rendered like this#Oh god and the end scene too ughhh#honey you got a big storm coming#Uzamaki
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Do you have tutorial videos on how to draw like you do ?
Awww!! Omg, Iām actually so honored that you want a tutorial from lilā olā me!! Iāve mentioned this before, but art wasnāt my first medium of creativity, writing was, so Iāve always been a bit insecure about my art. Iām definitely more confident in it now that Iāve had a lot of practice, but I still need to break out of that mindset of comparing myself to other artists, pffffffft.
I actually have a tutorial that I made for @babsvibes on how I do my coloring and lighting and shading that you can read here:
https://www.tumblr.com/goldendoodlerlockerlove/734849537728004096/all-right-because-babsvibes-asked-me-how-i?source=share
I donāt have any tutorial videos, but I can also offer a bit of extra advice here. Just putting a pencil to paper can help a lot, especially if one is in art block. It can really help with pushing through that tough spot of feeling like you canāt draw anything. Just getting anything sketched can really make a difference. Using actual paper to draw some things can really help you improve, thereās just something about using a physical medium once in awhile that really gets the creative juices flowing.
Looking at other artistsā work and supporting them can also go a long way for inspiration. I know for a fact that Iām as good an artist as I am today because of all of the incredible artists Iāve gotten inspired from.
A couple other things I can say is that coloring your lineart, if you do lineart, can make a huge difference in making your art look nicer. And turning on stabilization was an absolute game-changer for me. It made making lineart so much faster and nicer.
I hope you found at least some of this helpful š«¶š¼ Iām not great at giving art advice, but I tried!! š
#asks#doodlerās daydreams#personal#studying anatomy is also important but it can seem really daunting at first. this is where other tutorials can come in handy#some people have joked about hiding things like hands if you donāt want to draw them but i think itās important to learn how to draw hands#it makes drawings seem more dynamic and alive and you can come up with fun hand poses#the biggest thing is just DOING. practice makes permanent!! improvement wonāt happen overnight#but if you keep at it i promise you will see results. It wasnāt easy for me to start drawing and push back against my own self doubt#but itās been worth it because drawing is SUCH a lovely hobby and it relaxes me like nothing else. thank you so much for asking this!!
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I bought a dedicated music player so I can listen to audiobooks during work, and it has been delayed for two days. Pain.
#Iāve already started back at work š#maybe itāll get here this evening but I doubt it#woe and suffering etc#itās very cool that Spotify has free audiobooks now#I was thinking of cancelling it but that makes it worth it honestly#I also need to catch up on the end of re:Dracula
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I need cuddles. I fucking need them
#and not because I'm touch starved#<well also bc of that#but because i feel like the world is crackling beneath my feet and i can do nothing about it#and i don't wanna talk about it#i need it because i feel like I'm too much too handle for everyone#because i am annoying and people tell me that#because i have interest people tell me are strange#because I'm not worth the try#because no matter what. I'll always love more than the person i love#because I'll never be loved on the way i need it#and because i need someone to trust. to trust with all i have#someone besides the one person i have. bc she lives to far away#i need someone to tell me I'm just being silly. that all those people love me#but there is no one to tell me that in the face#and it hurts. it hurts so fucking much.#it hurts in the way i tear up every time i think about it#it hurts in the way i start to doubt it's only social anxiety#and I'm so scared#and tired#and please. just PLEASE#someone cuddle me#and help me#because i can't do it myself#and no one takes me serious#and i don't fucking care for the typos in this
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Hunger games seems like an amazing book series that I will never read.
#the hunger games#i love reading analysis of it#i doubt ill ever read it tho#i never read it as a kid#because i knew it was like#fascism bad#and i was like yup it sure is#and then i just never read it#and im still in that camp#it seems very intelligent and if its still worth talking about then it must be good#but im just not a fan of dystopian#hunger games started this trend of like aw government bad but love triangles are fun#and i was like hm#yeah#alright#not my thing#i know thats not hunger games fault#i just cant get into grimdark doom and gloom#i already live in a dystopian nightmare!#i dont really need to read about children killing each other#my head already knows fascism is bad#dont worry guys#im so anti kids dying rn#not sure what you want me to do#great literary analyses though#respect it#more than twilight renaissance
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uh oh gang I miss musicals
#aarrggh it's not like I haven't tried/liked any since lockdown started. I enjoyed watt lihn and rtc.#and it's only sort of that I don't know what's up in the current/recent theater scene#I could simply look up what's on and what cast albums have come out lately and pick something#and there have been plenty of cast changes and new productions for stuff I already like!#honestly I think the thing stopping me from getting back into musicals is that I've had a few computer changes since 2020#and lost most of my bootleg collection so I don't really have ways to get new recordings of things I want#and I gather that most of that has moved onto private discord servers in the last two years anyway#and I just neither have the social skills to easily get into those circles nor the money to buy videos direct from masters#like. my friend and I were foiled THRICE from seeing the 50th anniversary jcs tour and they've said several times#that the best present I could get for them would be a video of that production so we could finally watch it together#but I don't even know where to go anymore to check if a video of that tour exists and I doubt I have anything worth trading for it anyway#most nothing problem in the world ik ik. but like. ;-; wanny see me shows...#sorry for being a bit maudlin about musical theater nonsense I'm not expecting any 'there theres'#I just can't really complain about this stuff irl without going through four layers of context first#marina marvels at life
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God, I feel like crying and nothing has happened...yet. The amount of stress that I'm carrying is the worst it's ever been in my entire life and I'm an orphan.
It's another semester down and yet, I'm not free. I have prelims to study for, which I don't even feel prepared for because we've spent 8 months not being prepped for the material, so everything being learned is essentially on the fly, but hey, at least it's multiple-choice! I fucking hate this school.
And then I have my dissertation proposal. Honestly, that is the one I'm the least concerned about. I'm really reaching levels of IDGAF anymore, pass fail whatever. Every time I talk about grad school, it's about how much I would love to quit - like the door is right there!
And it's not because it's hard, let's be real. The work is immensely easy - if anything, the same as undergrad. But the expectations are different and the school doesn't prepare you at ALL for those expectations. They just tell you hey things are happening that you gotta do, no we're not gonna tell you how to do it even though you've been in class for this long and should've had professors say something about it, that's funny, anywaaaaayyysssssss....
Like I can't even make up how disorganized this program is. They're not building us to be professionals; they're building us to be administration. I shouldn't have to constantly keep double checking admin about when this will be cleared on my grade when I've already sent xyz documentation months ago. They act like they just started yesterday, yet the tea is that all grad school is disorganized like this. When if you ask my old boomer aunt, she'll categorize it as "breeding out the weak."
It's ridiculous that the people who work here don't even know what's going on either, and you can feel the lack of support permeating the air. But they'll do events to act like they give a shit about us while essentially robbing us blind because idk where my tuition is going because it certainly isn't going into adequate professors or administration.
I pray to GOD that I better pass everything in one neat bow because I could soooooo easily see myself doing something else. So fucking easily. This isn't a dream job for me, this is something I like and one thing about ME is that I AM A QUITTER. I will leave due to a slight inconvenience, IRDGAF.
I don't have anyone to disappoint other than myself, and I know I'll get over it.
#like yeah sure there are INTERESTS in this field no doubt#but I'm not seeing the worth when I have to jump through hoops that nobody is keeping track of nor cares#other people not in my position can't afford to leave but I can which is why I'm putting myself through this torture#I CAN easily leave pay off the incurred debt and move on but I've already sold like...85% of my soul this far#I've sunken the cost and it's like okay good once we've passed the hurdle it'll be fine....until the next one#I keep hoping I'll look back on this and laugh in 2yrs LOL but I know myself I would never do this shit again NOR would I have started if I#knew what I knew
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been on that bg3 grind and an idea came to me like wouldnt it be cool for bg3 (may a bit difficult but yk) is if we had our own tent we could decorate and like all the stuff in/around it in a certain area would travel to all the other camps like how the tents of our companions do so like we could have our own space to decorate with the various items we collect (deffo has been thought about by others but yk)
#bg3#baldur's gate 3#idea#mod idea#bg3 mods#like maybe someone could make it into a mod?#like i have no reach so i doubt itll be seen by modders#but yk#worth a shot#i guess#baldur's gate iii#baldurs gate 3#ive had the game since december#have played for roughly 70 hours#and i literally just started act 3#help
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