#i started this blog when i was like 16 years old and i cannot believe it

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I’m a 22 year old INFP in college. I’m at a point where I am deeply unhappy with my position in life, and I’d like your advice for how I should proceed. I want to change so badly and have been trying for so long, but somehow my efforts seem to never amount to any substantial change. I’m really sorry, this is going to be long and contain a lot of backstory. I have a lot of respect for you and have been reading your blog for years, and you seem incredibly wise; however I understand if you do not have the time to answer this. But if so, I appreciate it more than anything.

I come from an extremely dysfunctional family, whom I still live with. My mother is truly a narcissist, and I believe she’s an xSFP. She’s extremely dysfunctional and can hardly handle herself let alone her children. She has extreme nonconformist opinions (anti-vax, total disregard of modern medicine, arranged marriages, etc) and has instilled so much self-hatred into me. She cannot handle anyone who thinks differently from her. She blames me, my dad, and my younger brother for everything wrong with our household. For the past few days she’s been especially horrible, constantly berating me and calling me a failure. She’s extremely toxic but believes herself to be a saint.

My father is an ISFJ who is a total enabler. He suffers at the hand of my mother too yet will throw us under the bus whenever and never stick up for me or my siblings, even though he too gets treated horribly. I believe if he married a better woman he would’ve been salvageable, as he seems to just adapt to my mom’s views, although he gets so much shit from her too.

I don’t think I’ve experienced genuine love from my parents, ever. They’ve always wanted me to be something I’m not. They never approved of my interests (arts, humanities) or valued my opinions. When I was 17 they discovered that I was self-harming regularly, and instead of helping me, my mother shamed me for months and called me evil, a child of the devil. My father cried and asked me, how could you do this? What did we do wrong for you to end up like this?

I have a whole lot of pain in my heart. I’ve worked on myself to the point where I, when needed, can speak relatively objectively about who I am and my strengths. I no longer self-harm. But in my darkest moments, I have completely adapted the label of “evil” and beat myself up over it.

Despite being 22, I do not have my driver’s license. I’ve had my permit since I was 16, but cannot legally drive on my own. I think I could pass the test if I practiced more. However, that would require spending time with my mother, who’s temper stresses me out to no end while on the road. Its because of this that I’ve put it off for so long. I am too unwilling and fragile to deliberately put myself in a situation where I know I will get yelled at and degraded.

Despite being 22, I am not allowed to dress in anything “revealing”, nor get my nails or eyelashes done, I am not allowed to drink, I am not allowed to date, I have a curfew, and I am not allowed to move out.

A few months ago, I tried to take control of my life. Despite all of my misfortune, I am lucky enough to have a lot of genuine friends who care for me. My best friend and I decided to move out together. We leased a place, made payments, and started packing our bags. Right before our plan to move officially, without even knowing, my parents decided to go on an impromptu road trip to our hometown. I decided not to tell them until we were driving back from the trip… huge mistake. I was mentally tortured for the entire drive back (3 days). They degraded me to no end, guilt tripped me, cried, acted like I had murdered someone. My mom even accused me of being a lesbian for moving in with another girl, which is not only disgustingly homophobic, but also makes no sense!!! At one point my mom screamed so loudly and banged on the car door in anger while my father was driving, and he ended up pulling over on the highway. She blamed me and basically said if we died it would be my fault. Scared me and my younger siblings shitless.

In the end, it was more trouble than worth. Me and my friend called it off easily, having not signed a real lease and only giving a verbal agreement. We paid the rest of the month off and continued to live at home. I had felt like such a failure. I didn’t have a job or anything, but I was so confident that after moving out and being away from all the horrible shit at home that I’d be able to get ahold of my life, develop good habits, and become my own person… but my dreams of independence and freedom were ultimately crushed, and I remain in jail.

Because of that same trip and failure to move out, I became even more depressed. My parents had overstayed by almost a week despite my protests and their apparent dream of me doing well in school, and the school work and feelings were so overwhelming that I dropped almost all of my classes that semester. They don’t know of course, I’d be dead.

I truly wish I could get my life together, learn to love myself, and move so far away from them. I never want to speak to them again, as cruel as that is. They want to marry me off one day. I can’t handle it. But I have no money, no car, I’m struggling in school… I am always thinking about how I can improve or turn things around, and I always take one step forward and then fall 5 steps behind. I hate my body, I hate my incompetence, and I hate my life. I’ve been trying for so long, reading, writing, thinking, yet I can’t seem to get anywhere.

And then there is the matter of my little siblings. 17 and 8 years old. My younger brother (17) told me during that trip that if I moved out he would kill himself because he wouldn’t be able to handle them on his own or deal with them potentially getting even stricter once I left. It made me so sick, that I wanted to throw up. Luckily, he is most likely moving away for college next year after he graduates… which they are okay with, because he is a boy I suppose. My baby sister is a trooper and understood why I wanted to move out and even pretended to be on my mother’s side. However, when I tried, my mom said she would forbid us from talking because I am a horrible influence. The thought of abandoning her with mother makes me want to cry. I thought that maybe I would secretly buy her a phone before I move out and let her keep it a secret to talk to me with. But if me moving away and living my life the way i want to made her life worse, I dont know how I’d forgive myself or make up for it.

But either way, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to move out. I hate my body and my bad habits. I try to get clean and become healthier all the time but I can’t stick with it. Something always happens with my mother having an episode and it depresses me to no end and I lose it, try again, lose it. Then with driving. I keep thinking I’ll get my license soon. I never have motivation to practice with her. I need to be able to take my self places to get a job. And even if I do get a job, I know based on my old ones that the stress of home life, my self esteem, and fragility will make it so hard to hold down a job without breaking down constantly or just giving up. And then there’s school. I want to be educated and do well so badly, but it’s so hard with how things are. What should I do? How can I change? I want to escape this nightmare and live for myself more than anything. I want to be content with who I am and comfortable in my body and in my life decisions. I want to be able to voice my opinions and follow my values without being punished, stifled, or suffocated. If I don’t figure out things soon, I fear everything will come crumbling down and the life I long for will never be realized. I promise I try to be positive and appreciative of what I do try. I try to do things that will make me happier and take steps towards a better life. I try to deconstruct my mind so that I don’t fuss over everything and accept even horrible things as they are… But I always get shot down. It always becomes too much, and my progress always becomes undone. It’s like I’m trapped and can’t get out. All I want is the basic right to be myself, unapologetically.

----------------------

You are a young adult and it's an important aspect of young adulthood to establish an independent mindset. I believe you have it already, but your environment is not allowing you to express it fully. This is not your fault, so there is no reason to blame yourself for it.

Blame is a distraction, and it can even lead to problems like self-harm. Blame keeps you hyperfocused on the negative aspects of situations, which drains the precious mental energy you need for moving forward in positive directions. The sooner you can let go of your blaming mindset, the better you will feel and the more rational your thinking will be when tackling problems.

Remember: The blame you direct at yourself is an echo of your mother's way of blaming you. Do you want to internalize her negative attitude? If you truly have an independent mindset, you should be able to separate your own thoughts from someone else's. Where will you find the truth about you: her words or your heart?

With regard to confidence: Most people experience times in life when it seems that problems or obstacles are too big to surmount. The best approach is to break them down into very small steps and manageable goals (requires proper use of Si). By doing this, you allow yourself to feel a relatively continuous stream of small wins that gradually improve your self-confidence. Believing that you are capable is half the battle, isn't it?

With regard to motivation: You say you have good friends to support you and that's a great resource to draw from. Whenever you're feeling down, reach out for some emotional support. Whatever it is you're having difficulty with, get input or assistance from someone more knowledgeable than you. For example, is your mom the only person in the world who can help you with driving instruction? Getting encouragement and support at crucial stages of your path helps keep your motivation up.

Failing to achieve a goal doesn't make you a failure or a bad person. If you believe it does, you are still thinking like a child and it is yet another manifestation of an unhealthy blaming mindset. Failure is really an opportunity. It helps you learn new things. It helps you improve your knowledge and skills. It helps you find a better direction. What mistakes did you make last time? What do those mistakes tell you about how to do better next time? An important aspect of personal growth is learning how to turn failure into something educational, edifying, or valuable.

For INFPs, Ne development is necessary for learning how to be resourceful and making the best use of what you have, rather than always getting lost in thinking about what you don't have. You've spent a lot of words telling me how your situation sucks so that I can understand where you're coming from. But I wonder: What is good about your situation? What resources, both internal and external, are available to you? What's the best way to use those resources to achieve your goals?

[bumblebeesfromvenus]

You know how every like 5 years or so you remember the cringe things you’ve done and for sure grown out of? Like when you embarrassed yourself at 12 or something and now at 16 you’re like what was I thinking?? Anyway I can’t wait until you’re 27 looking back at this blog one day or remembering it at work or something only then to finally realize why people make such a big deal on protecting minors (you) from smut. You’re just a rebellious teenager like we all once were, but I promise you will have your moment of clarity. Everyone I know has experienced it including myself. The only thing I can ask you politely to not do is further advocate that age 17 means nothing when 18 is right there. I know you’re only referring to it here on this blog but that alone is a dangerous rhetoric, it’s what predators use to justifying preying on teens (“I’ve been waiting for you” “You’re so mature for your age” “You’re practically an adult, no one has to know”) and it’s what teenagers up to 19 even use to justify their behavior (“I’m almost an adult, so what if a 33 year old likes me that’s legal!” “I’m not like others my age, I’m mature enough for this”). You’re only thinking about your blog which is fair and understandable but I wanted to help provide insight as to why what you’re saying can ultimately be harmful in the grand scheme of things. The wrong person, the wrong reblog, and someone might get hurt. Be careful on the internet, it’s way more dangerous than we typically think about.

Okay, rude.

And yes, I do know that. I've had that happen many times because I was a very troubled and lost child that has gone through some shitty fucking years. And guess what, I lived.

"Man, I can't believe I wanted to kill myself a couple of years ago, how cringe."

AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN, I'm turning 18 in less than 3 months.

If I look back and regret this, that's a me problem, Bae, and not something you need to be concerned with. Worry about yourself.

You do not know and have no right whatsoever to make assumptions about me.

You only know what I choose to show.

I was talking about myself specifically in the regards of writing and posting smut. I started writing and posting smut when I was 17, so not even for a year.

I'm not responsible for anyone but myself on the internet. Not once did the topic of grooming come up.

I'm not a mother to the children on the internet.

I'm not responsible for how people (*cough* you*cough) interpret my blog, my posts or anything else.

This is my blog, on which I share my writing and my ideas. If a random child chooses to live by what I say, that's not my fault nor my concern.

You cannot keep children away from the internet. It's literally impossible nowadays.

And if I hear one more person say wE'rE tRyInG tO pRoTeCt yOu I will actually vomit.

You are not responsible for me.

Because where were you, O holy savior and person of everything righteous, when I discovered porn at the age of 12.

Where were you when that has happened and will happen to other 12 year olds?

How about you fucking concern yourself with problems like this that actually matter, instead of terrorizing me for having a hobby that occasionally includes tame sexual themes.

You can talk to me again when porn sites stop popping up when you put "sex" in the search bar.

And guess what, someone who's 22 now can look back in those revelating 5 years and also think they're blog wad a bad idea or cringe.

Now get out of my fucking inbox.

[atrirose]

back when enhablr used to be full of fics, headcanons and reaction. but now i see people wih the aesthetics, small texts but less works if i am not wrong.

when i see vissit a new enha writing blog, i see the themes, small texts. it's so irritating :( like how can you even see the small text... plus, the amount of symbols and other fonts they use, tsk

i am not blaming you :( but telling that mosot of enhablr has become aesthetic or something like top notch. everyone only focuses on how the blog themes, texts are but not the works.

but can i also know like what is suggestive?? isn't it like suggesting a sexual thought or something that leads to sex?? since you are an adult, i am asking you this.

but no, i literally see 15 or 16 year olds writing about suggestive stuff for enha, then telling mentions of fwb :0 i cannot believe when enhable used to have fluff fluff fluff where ever we searched.

i still remember you in my dash back in 2021, you wrote so much fluff istg, i used to wait for your works :( i wish we got that enhablr writing community back but literally wherver i see it is suggestive.

after all, this is my opinion...

hii ! at the start of the ask i thought you were shading me but ㅠㅠ yeah i understand what you mean , the fonts, themes, and small text usages has become more common now instead of the actual matter, i do use small text too but its only for the decor purposes, and my main focus (fics or hcs) are all large text with no fonts bc it is insensitive to use fancy text for those stuff and deprive people who cant read them, and i get that blogs do focus on their appearance more than the writing, bc let’s be honest people only see what they like to and if you look around if a blog ‘doesn’t look aesthetic’ people tend to ignore it even if the content is good. so bc of that many people have adopted the whole persona, i didnt change a lot except the fact i started posting a lot less and have not been active here, i think its a lot to do with adulting, all of the older members of enhablr now either have jobs/uni/exams or are just not feeling like doing this anymore.

and it’s totally fine for you to feel irritated by that, so u can js avoid those kind of blogs but you also need to remember that it’s their blog and they can chose what to do with it and how to decorate it, we can’t control that bc people have their own choices, but yeah the content being less i have seen a lot and i do agree with even tho i don’t read often i too get annoyed by the tags being flooded with nsfw content which is super creepy bc js few months ago it was all fluff as you mentioned and i hoped that the space stayed wholesome. i cant really control that but i hope people dont js see boys in that light.

suggestive to me is js a little bit more kissing/ implication of or suggestive jokes but i am not sure since i do not interact with those kind of content i might not be the best person to ask this, im sorry. but it is very uncomfortable when minors write nsfw.

HELP NOT YOU SAYING I POSTED A LOT 😛, jk anyways aww that is so sweet that i had someone waiting for me, i did post a lot of fluff and it will be a train ride if i read all my work, i will probably cringe 😔, i will always write fluff if that makes u happy if i do post in the future .. , sorry it’s js not the same anymore so i might not be the same atrirose who use to post every week. i am in touch with someone of my moots which were their with me since the start of this account or enha writer who use to flood the tag with tooth rotting fluff and well .. busy , busy , busy so i cant promise anything but hey we still have their old works you can binge. 

your opinion is totally valid.

[tetherfans]

sometimes i see some nsfw themed posts if you liking it or something like that

your paw patrol villain fat fetish nsfw post, you joking about having a fat fetish with your partner, even the post where you were talking about adults making nsfw and people harassing adults for it.

i’m fine with the third one but aren’t you 15? you aren’t supposed to be looking at the kind of stuff.

If you aren’t that’s good but i’m just wondering

thanks ♥️

10 years buddy. I've been knowing about this stuff, for 10 years. Keep in mind that YES I am 15.

Give or take yes maybe maybe I shouldn't be looking at that, HOWEVER.. I do. Matter of a fact, just because there may be an 18+ logo there, doesn't mean minors can't just make their own shit. In order to grow up to become an artist like that, you would need to be exposed to it when YOU were younger.

I don't know how old you are, because this is an anon ask. But I am assuming you are an adult, and I don't mean to disappoint but minors do that stuff. Minors draw nsfw, talk about nsfw, some minors are sexually active. Like myself;

There shouldn't be an age range to where you get to start knowing about nsfw material. Even If I don't look at other peoples nsfw, what's stopping me from just drawing my own? From writing my own, from in fact just roleplaying with my friends about it?

What's stopping me from just being sexually active and what not? Is it because of the age range of me inherently being a minor? I don't understand where the mentality cut off is. Is this a question on morals and ethics, or are you implying minors cannot be involved with nsfw, even if its their own. Or engage in sexual acts with their partner?

In fact, when you turn a teen and start having different hormones kick in, and hit puberty doctors will ask if you are sexually active. The 18+ rule is, only for the age of consent. As in when you are a legal adult, not for when you are allowed to explore yourself, and become comfortable with yourself. Whether it be your platform, your life, or even in your own skin.

An adult I talked to back in August last year, who is 30; mentioned how adults and minors should have their own spaces. Including nsfw, if that's what it leads to.

In hindsight, you need to take into consideration that years ago back in the 2000s - 2010s, minors drawing nsfw and talking about nsfw was so common. Some of the biggest artists, creators and animation meme artists got a career off drawing nsfw on tumblr.

Believe it or not, minors can look at nsfw. Even if it's hard for you to understand why they would want to. Even if that is their own nsfw, or even their own bodies. I wish I had nsfw to turn to back when I was younger and more gullible. Maybe I would have known what to do when I was used for things I couldn't even mention here.

But besides the fact; I don't see where the issue is here, this is my tumblr blog, I'm not actively posting porn on here, and this account is meant to be just for dumb stuff. If one day I do decided "hey fuck it let's post something suggestive or make a sex joke" why should it matter. My biggest platform is youtube, and that's the only platform where young kids / teens are following me. I turn 16 in July as well.

I'm sure my moots can take a little joke or two on here, I don't recommend this account for anyone, it was supposed to just be an alt account. If you have any further arguments feel free to dm me or send me another anon ask.

[peachpitss]

realized people on mobile can't see my "about" page, so! Abby she/they lesbian 25+ yrs old anti-TERF, pro-BLM mexicana based in california i'm honeynpeaches over on my cringe ao3 i like video games & manga and i’m incredibly sorry

cult of the lamb sideblog: peachapotheosis

[badgirlcovention]

Bleach x TOH AU

This started out as an idea I had for my RP blog but then I got down deep and I started expanding and wanting to do art for it, so I’ma just talk about it here. Also, while this is based on Bleach, I will be stepping away from the terms of “shinigami” and the Japanese roots so it fits better with the TOH setting. Gravesfield- a city in Connecticut, USA; hometown of Luz, her family, Hunter and his uncle; a town with an usual concentration of people with impressive spiritual pressure

Boiling Isles- home of the deceased, witches and demons, who are governed by Grim Reapers 

Grim Reapers- witches with higher spiritual pressure and the ability to cleanse Ghouls and send human souls onto the afterlife

Ghouls- Human souls that were unable or unwilling to move on after death, ultimately becoming corrupted and turning into monsters that devour both the living and deceased souls 

Witch Hunters- humans with an unusual sensitivity to spiritual pressure and the supernatural; they believe that once a soul is corrupted and becomes a Ghoul, it cannot be cleansed; consider themselves mortal enemies of Grim Reapers and witches in general

Luz Noceda- 16-years-old; average high school student with an odd talent for seeing/talking to ghosts; ends up becoming a substitute Grim Reaper after a run-in with Amity after she tries to save her sister and mom from a Ghoul; her Scythe currently has no name 

Amity Blight- roughly 16-years-old in Reaper years but nearly 100 in human years; an unseated officer in the Second Squad, which is headed by Lilith; part of the noble Blight family; her Scythe is named Ghost

Hunter Wittebane- 18-years-old; a young Witch Hunter that attends the same high school as Luz and her sister; while he may be a Witch Hunter, he has a begrudging respect for Luz after they take down a Ghoul together

Eda Clawthorne- over 200-years-old; formerly the third seat of the Third Squad, which was headed by her father, Dell; had a playful sibling rivalry with Lilith until they graduated Reaper Academy and joined separate squads as unranked officers; part of the noble and ancient Clawthorne family; her Scythe is named Owlbert

Lilith Clawthorne- over 200-years-old; Captain of the Second Squad and Commander-in-Chief of the Covenant Militia; she’s very serious about her job and has a deep hatred for people who neglect their duties; part of the noble and ancient Clawthorne family; her Scythe is named Revas

Emira Blight- roughly 18-years-old in Reaper years but nearing 100 in human years; 20th seat in Seventh Squad; her captain is Adrian Graye Vernworth; she has been learning healing magic on the side and would like to join Fourth Squad when she ranks high enough for a promotion; part of the noble Blight family; her Scythe is named Reyna

Boscha Volkov- roughly 16-years-old in Reaper years but nearly 100 in human years; an unseated officer in Ninth Squad; her captain is Vitimir; while unseated, Boscha is climbing towards the 20th seat quickly with her tenacious and somewhat brutal attitude; her Scythe is named Maya

Skara Maina- roughly 16-years-old in Reaper years but nearly 100 in human years; an unseated officer in Thirteenth Squad; her captain is Raine Whispers; her Scythe is named Viola

Alador Blight- over 200-years-old; Captain of the Twelfth Squad and Head of Research and Development; the future patriarch of the noble Blight clan, which is currently headed by his father; his Scythe is Romulus

[savelonkar]

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" (Mark Twain).

"You think you know a story, but you only know how it ends. To get to the heart of the story, you have to go back to the beginning" (Tudors, opening scene).

You see, when one of Cherrie (my ex-wife) best friends read my blog, she said this was all too much, and questioned the fact that Cherrie never had cancer. She said that she's a science person, and that "the burden of proof lies with the accuser." See, I wholeheartedly do not agree. If someone tells the world for seven years that they had cancer, then I believe the burden of proof lies with the accused. Besides, how would you "prove" someone never had cancer? Cherrie told the world she had cancer, and she NEVER HAD CANCER. She cannot provide proof that she had cancer, because she never did. It's not like I can call up her breast surgeon, and ask for medical records. If anyone would like to give her breast surgeon from 2016 a call, here is where she currently practices: https://www.elliothospital.org/website/pr-Dr-Emese-Kalnoki-Kis.php

Recently, there was a teen in Iowa that told the world she had cancer, and she never did. That teen is in prison now, and the courts subpoenaed her medical records. I believe that is what should happen in the case of my ex-wife.

For today, let's go back to Cherrie's claims of her childhood. She said that at one time, she was homeless after her mother divorced her father. THAT never happened. Her mother went back into the workforce, and provided a nice home for XW and her brother. They lived in nice middle class neighborhood and had a nanny. Her mother got a nanny, because she did not trust Cherrie alone with her little brother.

Cherrie has told the world that she graduated high school early at 16. FICTION! Cherrie started kindergarten in 1985, right before she turned 5 years old on October 31, 1985. She went to kindergarten, and then did all 12 grades from 1st to 12th. Below, I will provide a link that shows her ID card from sophomore year of HS, and also I have included her HS diploma, which shows she graduated HS in 1998, just months before her 18th bday.

Cherrie told the world that she lived in London for a year. In the document below, I have provided her flight itinerary, that shows she was only in London for about 3 weeks.

Do you know people that are habitual liars? Well, Cherrie is a habitual liar. Her stories tend to morph over time, and they are altered here and there, according to her audience.

These untruths are just a few examples of her lies. She lies lies lies her way to get what she wants. She lied about graduating early, she lied about her time in London, she lies about EVERYTHING. Oh, and yes, she lied about having cancer. A liar's worst enemy is the truth. Cherrie is a liar. I am the truth.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" (Mark Twain, no relation to Shania).

Here is a link to the documents referenced above:

[sirenalpha]

I posted 570 times in 2022

That's 220 more posts than 2021!

259 posts created (45%)

311 posts reblogged (55%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@goodsticklehky

@staalsparkles

@sirenalpha

@emletish-fish

@staal-eric-archives

I tagged 302 of my posts in 2022

Only 47% of my posts had no tags

#asks - 16 posts

#for the writers - 14 posts

#rurouni kenshin - 9 posts

#atla - 9 posts

#ao3 - 7 posts

#star wars - 6 posts

#meta - 5 posts

#yes - 4 posts

#long post - 4 posts

#darth vader - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#could not rememeber what the title was for a hot sec and thought i might accidently put the title of thebruno mars song of the same subject

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

So Kaoru Kamiya is a character I have complicated feelings on and not because she's a complex character, she really isn't that complex

but because Nobuhiro Watsuki is a pedophile who has been fined for possessing cp and no you cannot separate the art from the artist because Kaoru starts the series as a seventeen year old girl who gets together at eighteen with the protagonist, a man eleven years her senior

I don't know why 12 year old me decided to get overly attached to this one character and it would have been nice to have stopped caring when the news about Watsuki came out but RK material keeps getting released that makes me even madder about Kaoru so here we are talking about it

now that that's addressed, I want to start with how Kaoru as a character came to be

Watsuki has noted that he had not decided for Kaoru to be the main love interest when he started the series and I believe that because just looking at all the characters in the manga, he seems to be good on setting up characters, but can't always follow through on them or knows ahead of time what he wants to do with them

and I do think Kaoru is well set up because her initial purpose in the manga is to be someone who is interesting enough to Kenshin that he stops wandering as Kenshin staying in place is the inciting incident of the manga, everything before that point is just the same old same old that Kenshin has been experiencing for the past ten years

so what does Kaoru have to be for her to be a character who is interesting enough for Kenshin to stay?

first, she has to be a swordswoman, it's non-negotiable, being a swordsman is the basis of who Kenshin sees himself as, it's central to his character arc as it is the site of his guilt, and the manga itself is asking what is the purpose of the sword (violence) in the New Era, there is no way Kenshin stays unless he sees a potential answer for his guilt for what to do in the New Era

that means she has to have a privileged background to have been able to learn to be a swordswoman, naturally that means samurai as it was the warrior class of the Edo period even if most samurai at the end of the period were bureaucrats it's still the class Kaoru would have been most likely to have received martial training of any kind

it also means she would have also had to be old enough to have been born samurai and to have enough mastery that her word on what wielding a sword means has some kind of weight of experience backing it

second, the fact that Kenshin will only stop if someone has a potential answer for his guilt on how to use a sword or stop using it and live in the New Era and that Kenshin has taken a vow to not kill tells us what kind of swordswoman Kaoru has to be, she has to have not killed and also have a fighting ideology against killing which now means she can't be too old

she has to be young enough that she didn't fight in the Bakumatsu or any rebellions after it as well as young enough to not remember any of the fighting well for it to be more realistic that someone who is a swordsman and also supposed to have some mastery hasn't killed anyone when a war was going on

third, she has to be in need of help because that's how Kenshin meets people, he either rescues them or fights them and if he is to stay she can't be too antagonistic towards him

so her privileged background is now tragic which I think is part of how Watsuki ended up with 1878 for the setting, it has to be after the last episode of violence of the Bakumatsu which is the Seinan War in 1877 anyways so then you just have Kaoru's father who is also her teacher fight and die in that war so she's now vulnerable to attack/manipulation due to her landownership and naiveté which Kenshin can defend her from and she's also grieving and lonely which is a reason for her to ask him to stay

and that's how you sort of have to have her at 17-18, if you push the setting back farther to age her up it becomes a problem as when the manga is set is extremely important to the story it's telling, it can't be that far away from the Bakumatsu, Kenshin also starts getting very old + wandering for a longer time compared to 10 years which is a nice round number and 28 is already pushing it for the protagonist for a shonen manga, and if you leave it in 1878 if you start pushing her towards 19, 20, 21, you start getting to her being 8-10 at the end of the Bakumatsu and being old enough to remember it better and getting too close in age to other characters when part of the point with the differences in ages in the protagonist group has to do with what age they were when they experienced the war

it's all fine in my opinion for Kaoru's character set up until the plan changes and she becomes the love interest

beyond Kaoru and Kenshin's age gap being creepy, changing Kaoru into the love interest causes narrative problems both for Kaoru as a character based on the set up she was given and for the narrative as a whole because of what the character in the position of Kenshin's love interest would have had to fulfill for it to be a satisfying narrative vs societal and genre conventions

I think Watsuki decides to make Kaoru the love interest during the Kyoto Arc and finalized it by the end of the arc

my reasoning for this is because Kaoru changes from the Kyoto arc to the Jinchuu arc and not in a good way

the change is obviously not how much interest Kenshin and Kaoru show in each other though Kaoru's is far more obvious, she was shown as crushing on Kenshin from the beginning of the series and Kenshin sticks around because of her and they have their hug when Kenshin leaves for Kyoto, that's why she's the obvious option to become his love interest for the third arc, she's the only one important enough to Kenshin for the arc to work

the reason I say it's not finalized until the end of the Kyoto arc is because that's when Kaoru goes from a fighter or at least a potential one or in addition to being a damsel in distress (because I'm not saying there isn't any defaulting to misogynistic tropes common to media where boys are the target audience when it comes to how she's written in the first two thirds) to just a damsel in distress

her only real battle is in the Kyoto arc against Kamatari, but she's introduced with a bokken in hand and attacks both Kenshin and the Hiruma brothers, and by the time the battles start in the Jinchuu arc, Kaoru either isn't there or she stands in the back with Megumi doing color commentary, and she never really even attempts to fight off Enishi

this is a problem thematically when you take Kaoru's set up as a character into consideration

part of Kenshin's choice in atonement and the theming of the manga is that you have to help the people in front of you and part of how Kenshin does that is by making them better people in the sense that he encourages them to improve the skills that they use to help other people

Megumi is the outlier as she's the healer of the group, but getting her away from Kanryuu so she can go back to working as a doctor and get better at it is how she helps people and what Kenshin encourages her to do to atone and be a better person

for Sano and Yahiko, however, they are fighters so their fighting improves so they can better defend people from harm so that is what should have happened with Kaoru, but it doesn't, Kaoru's skills never improve over the entire course of the manga because she's set up as Yahiko's teacher which I actually don't think should keep her from learning more and improving, but does so anyways so her peak as a fighter hits in the second arc when everyone else's correctly lands in the third

it weakens the message of the manga to have a major character, the literal second character introduced in the series, regress like this on one of the manga's central themes

what's worse is that a peak achievement set up was given to her, to use a Kamiya Kasshin Ryu succession technique in a real battle as she admits she's never done it, but instead it's passed over her to be given to Yahiko which just feels like misogynistic insult to a poorly written theme injury

and if you argue as I have seen that she wasn't set up to be a fighter maybe she was set up to be a teacher so Yahiko using the technique is her triumph, I once again point you to the fact she was literally introduced bokken in hand and attacking Kenshin

being an assistant master/instructor could be taken away from her character and still make the inciting incident work but taking away being a swordsman could not, and it's actually worse for her on a thematic standpoint to say her talent was teaching and not protecting others, at least she goes from needing Kenshin to rescue her to defeating Kamatari without him before regressing but as a teacher she never progresses, never has more than one student

See the full post

18 notes - Posted April 5, 2022

#4

the missions in ac1 are good actually

yes I get that there's only like 4 types of missions, and yes the eavesdropping ones are really nothing to write home about and I do kinda wish they dropped out even more than they do in the game

but they're maybe my favorite part of the game which is good because they're the majority of the game

I just think making you check in at the bureau to get suggestions of where to go and then having to go to viewpoints to then find the missions and then pick which ones and in which order you want to do them in is an extremely good set up and it's just never used again

it's not perfect like the missions are pretty much anywhere and not right where the rafiq/dai at the bureau says they are creating some but not much narrative dissonance and it doesn't help that nothing on the map ever gets labeled so you can't really find your way around based on what you're told

but it gives a lot of autonomy to the player without creating any narrative dissonance and really encourages you to explore and become familiar with your surroundings and it does so with the gameplay unlike later in the series where it feels like it relies on graphics and set dressing to encourage exploration which is a much more shallow and superficial motivation

mostly because it's not really as important to explore and familiarize yourself with your surroundings for game play or narrative in the later games even in ones that take place in only one city as it is in ac1, just for side quests and collecting things

ac1, however, doesn't show buildings on its minimap and having missions and viewpoints and citizens to save spread throughout the city is a good way to make sure the player learns the city, so they know where ladders and hiding spots are when they need them while being chased after assassinations whereas all the later games show buildings on the minimap making escaping and free running easier

maybe the lack of buildings on the minimap is a technological limitation of the time but between it and the spread out missions, it gives a purpose to the open world and exploring it within the cities rather than the open world being a mere spectacle or tedious ground to cover it feels like in some of the later games which is why they give you horses and fast travel and so on

like you don't need or miss fast travel within the cities of ac1 because they're not overly large (in fact their size is controlled so the focus is on the mission and narrative at hand) and you need to learn them to play the game better which is definitely not how it is in later games

and beyond teaching you the city, the missions actually do have good level design

the missions do scale up in difficulty aside from the eavesdropping ones, but with the informers you start with tasks like please capture all these flags which isn’t hard at all to please kill these three templars without raising the alarm and with a time limit, if you choose to go through and do them you actually do get better at the game as you continue which helps with assassinations (tho not the boss battles which is a different issue)

the missions also give you information for the narrative and/or for game play, this part is less perfect, sometimes the information you get is a map that shows where archers are positioned and you never see the map which isn't helpful, but other times it actually tells you very useful information that makes the assassination easier, or it gets you information on the Templars or how Altaïr is seen and treated by the other Assassins

the more effort you put into the missions as in doing more than the minimum number required and the more difficult ones, the more you get out of them, you as the player get better at the game and have an easier time with assassinations, and you get more bits and pieces of the narrative to put together

this is how you want your games to work and in ac1 it's done without making you search around for papers or logs to get additional scraps of information on the narrative

that said, I think the reason the game has as many eavesdropping missions as it does and only ever gets up to 3 out 6 required missions is because it wants to give an easier alternative since it doesn't have an easy mode

and I think that's part of what makes the missions as good as they are, there are ways to make the game easier for yourself or brute force it if you're not good at stealth without compromising the game play or narrative (you just get a little less detail)

I get why people criticize them as repetitive but like they're still good game design and I'm still kinda annoyed the series left them behind

35 notes - Posted August 16, 2022

#3

I just watched a vid on plot armor and it said Legend of Korra was good on stakes/Korra's character arc because the question wasn't whether she would die it was

does she get to keep her bending which makes up a core part of her identity?

does she keep her connection to the old avatars which is also a part of her identity?

how badly will this mercury poisoning hurt her?

but that's only on paper not in execution

she gets her bending back immediately which is just plot armor for bending not death idc if it was because they thought they weren't getting another season it would still be a shit ending for a single season show

how she loses her connection to the past Avatars is contrived batshittery to begin with and I'll be honest that was something that was lightly used in atla like it did happen but even less so in lok it really didnt feel like she'd lost something and the insane giant spirit monster power up kind of cancelled it out and made it not the focus

The one the show tries the hardest on is the mercury poisoning because that takes at least several episodes in the next season to recover from but she still totally physically recovers even if she doesn't psychologically

and ultimately the issue I have with describing this as creating a character arc for Korra is when you look over the show it doesn't feel like an arc where Korra grows and becomes a more well rounded person and a better Avatar especially when she decides to just leave on vacation to the spirit world at the end

every season the show sets up Korra to be taught a lesson as painfully and psychologically damaging as possible for being arrogant and wanting to be the Avatar unlike Aang when she starts out

it was like she had to be forced one step back in her growth at the start of every season except for season 4, and I don't mean like Zuko where Korra makes a reasonable for her decision that the audience sees is actually wrong for her/the world, but a step back that happened because that was what the plot necessitated so the show-runners could punish her appropriately

and the show's treatment of her feels very stark compared to Aang's treatment as he was the show-runners' self insert and basically got to get away with everything from sexually assaulting the girl he liked to not actually completing his character arc or actually being a good person despite being put on a moral pedestal by the show

and I get that lok is supposed to be a show for a more mature audience, and it's not like I don't think it could have been interesting for Korra to deal with losing her bending or connection to past avatars because that wasn't something atla had the time or scope for, those questions just aren't relevant to atla but lok could ask all of those questions under the larger narrative question what is the point of an avatar in a modernizing world and then Korra finds an answer to that question to become a fully realized avatar to complete her character arc

but she literally leaves the world for the spirit world, that's the last thing she does it's basically capitulating to the idea that there is no place for the avatar, it's a negative character arc literally a tragedy with a metaphorical suicide by leaving the human world for the spirit world in a show that's supposedly optimistic and positive because they defeat all the bad guys

which in hindsight makes everything she went through over the course of the show so much worse, it's just torture that doesn't make her a better person or a better avatar, it just grinds her down until she accepts she has no place and leaves

it just reeks of racism and misogyny because Aang was never and would never have been treated so poorly

38 notes - Posted September 9, 2022

#2

I think there are two aspects of the first Assassin's Creed that I like about it that are kind of unfair advantages it has just by its nature as the first of the series

the mystery aspect of its plot and the cleverness of the framing device when it comes to narrative dissonance

something I've noticed over time as I've played more and more games is that I prefer games with a mystery aspect to the plot, for other mediums like books or movies it's enough if I'm like I need to know what happens next, it doesn't have to be a mystery, but with video games, the ones I enjoy most are the ones where I'm like something is up and I'm going to find out what

and ac1 has that to its advantage as you don't know anything about its world at all, it can make the Templars into a mystery plot you have to unravel assassination by assassination while hunting around as Desmond to figure them out in the modern time line as well as trying to figure out what the Piece of Eden is

and once that info is out there you can't take it back for later games, like yeah you have new Templar plots to figure out and there's more about the Pieces of Eden to discover but you still already know who the Templars are and what an Apple is

and frankly the rest of the series doesnt really try to have that much mystery not to the extent the first does with the big bad reveal

as for the framing device, I like when games at least try to tackle the narrative dissonance of dying and coming back to life again, like you can have a good game if it doesn't and you just live, but I like it

and the animus is a pretty good one in my opinion, I think it's clever and takes advantage of video games as a medium

why can you come back to life? Because all the combat is being performed by someone who is already dead, they just didn't die here, you did it wrong and have to do it over

so your health isn't health it's how closely you follow what they did in real life so if you go back to doing what they did of course you recover

and the heads up display isn't what they actually saw in real life it's because you're using a machine, and there's no display outside of it

it's not perfect because you do get button prompts as Desmond outside of the animus and it should probably be first person rather than third or actually use the security camera angles the game uses occasionally but it covers a lot of the dissonance the stuff that is most game-y and you see most frequently

as it's the first of the series a lot of effort and care was put into making it work and be believable whereas later in the series it can be taken as a given, it's no longer clever because it's not new

and that's why it annoys the shit out of me when they added medicine you can take to increase sync like I get if they wanted it so Ezio could be injured and it is acting as hp but fucking hell don't break your own game logic immediately with the sync actually acting as both health and sync, that was an opportunity to be clever that they didn't take if they wanted to have both injuries and keep the synchronization rate, they could have found some other solution but didn't they just break one of the things that resolved narrative dissonance because it's easier and convenient to the player to easily up sync

42 notes - Posted August 22, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Six the musical is actually super fucked up

I went in without knowing anything beyond it being about Henry VIII's wives and that the music would be pop inspired

I assumed that it would be not that serious but try to talk about who these women were outside of their marriages

and I was wrong on both accounts it was almost entirely about their marriages and worse tried to bring up extremely serious topics and I don't mean that two of the wives were beheaded I mean they were bringing up miscarriages and repeated sexual abuse

instead of using anachronisms to make these women more relatable to a modern audience, the show uses the trappings of modern female celebrity and pop idol-hood and singing competitions to further trivialize and mock these women's trauma and oppression and in fact mock them for the same reasons they had been mocked during their lives and ever since like for promiscuity or miscarriages or dying in childbirth (the show even jokes that dying in childbirth is dying of natural causes like wtf)

like I get they have a song that pulls the rug out and goes oh wait actually what Katherine Howard is singing about over a catchy tune is sexual assault and she's traumatized by it and she ends up beheaded for it

but the show didn't EARN it, like she's singing this song within a framework of a singing competition to be named the best queen and the measure by which you win is how much you suffered, the display of genuine emotion and suffering is undercut by the format and tone

the woman singing is still ultimately presented as a caricature of the actual Katherine Howard and not a full person because there isn't time for her to be portrayed as more

because the show is only 9 songs long, that's barely an album let alone a musical, there are concept albums by pop bands with more narrative depth than this show and the dialogue between the numbers can't save it either

because again they set up the format of the musical as a singing competition between the women (half the dialogue is actually dedicated to setting this up over idk giving these women depth) so the tone for all of the women's dialogue is in the style of pop stars causing drama and feuding so it's all one upping each other and going for the ooh burn reaction from the audience

like right after Howard's song about her repeated sexual assault is finished it's joked about as having a lot of verses BY Howard to prove that she wins

I get that the show ended with Catherine Parr being like we shouldn't be in competition with each other and them all agreeing not to compete

but it's at the end of the show after the majority of the cast has sung and after Howard's song specifically, like it doesn't retroactively change WHY these characters sang those songs or how they were portrayed in treating each other up to that point

it's literally the writers coming in and going wink wink nudge nudge to the audience hey we know what we did was super unethical by portraying these women in this way and having them compete over their suffering but don't you forgive us for knowing what we did was fucked up?

no because acknowledgement doesn't magically make what was just presented ethical especially because the tone is still wrong for it, it's still not earned

like they try to rescue their shallow and lazy portrayal of Anne Boleyn as a ditzy party girl by having her quote what I think is actual feminist theory (not that I can find the quote to confirm it) to support ending the competition

except again because the show's tone is not serious enough and didn't earn this conversation there's a moment of silence so she can joke and say what I read

the show literally discourages the audience from taking this ending of reconciliation between the queens and any feminist messaging with it seriously because of its tone and immediately back pedaling from any seriousness by going actually lets rewrite history to make things nice and pretty don't look at how bad things were, don't look at how bad we were

and it worked, I've looked at the tags and reviews, fans describe the show as a fun pop singing competition despite the competition being cancelled in show

it's honestly pathetic that this show won any awards especially for original score when it only had 9 fucking songs and they weren't even good

like say what you want about Hamilton but at least it felt like Miranda read an actual book on the dude and put effort into the songs

Six makes me doubt anyone involved read a book on any of these women and the songs feel like bad and lazy copies of pop songs trying to cash in on what's trendy

Like trust me I get the desire to see more musicals written by women and to have a cast of women and be about women's stories, I want to see it and support it

but profiting off the real suffering women endured and perpetuating it yourself and then trivializing it isn't the way to go

60 notes - Posted August 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[nefskullcritique]

Bones, DID, and the Military

Hey everyone! If I wasn’t fully convinced that Bones is faking DID before, I certainly am now. I’ve asked around for any mention from Bones about their DID, or, “multiple personalities” in general, and I was sent some screenshots from when they first “learned” they had DID. 

Before we get into anything, I’m referring to “psychopathy” AS psychopathy for the pure reason of, that’s how I’ve known it while I’ve been studying it for the past couple of years. I genuinely don’t know if there’s an alternate “medical” term for it. I understand that it is not a diagnosis on the DSM. 

It started off because Bones implied that they’d known about their DID for years to me, saying they “masked” to hide it. This is false. Here are the screenshots I find most interesting.

There’s a lot to unpack here. The first screenshot holds nothing significant, so let’s go to the second one.

“He said that my psychopathy is so bad that it developed into BPD and DID.”  .... Psychopathy cannot develop into another disorder. It’s a chronic genetic disorder that affects the structure of your brain and gives you a total lack of empathy. It can give you a loose sense of reality, but it does not develop into another disorder.

Bones later says that they developed DID through trauma, from the time they were a child soldier. There’s a few things wrong with this. Firstly, it’s very hard for a Psychopath to become traumatized. It’s possible, but incredibly rare. Like I said, the structure of their brains are different than someone who isn’t a psychopath. They can’t process fear, stress, and panic like someone who is not a psychopath. 

Secondly, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY Bones fought in a war.

I’ve done my research, and even got help from a friend who lives in Malaysia. Here is a list of wars that Malaysia has taken part in. The war that lines up with them being a child, is this. 

Here’s a little fun fact. Bones was born in 1998. They were 8 years old in 2006. Here’s another fun fact: The Malaysian armed forces only recruits 18+ year olds, and anyone younger (say, 16-17) have to have their parents agree to send them off to war. Here’s some information I found about the Malaysian armed forces. 

Now, hypothetically, let’s say that Gerard, Bones’ father, gave consent for Bones to be in the military. WHY would they accept a literal 8 year old? And said above, people 16+ were chosen and recruited. NOT EIGHT YEAR OLDS. NOT NINE YEAR OLDS. 

This contradicts the general age where people develop DID, as well. They weren’t in a war when they were 8-9, and the war ended in 2013, when they were 15. We know they were in school during this time from the many posts and friends they used to talk about from the rebornica blog in 2013. We also know that they weren’t in any war or military AFTER this time as well due to the sheer fact of how active they were on tumblr. 

As a side note, there was a brain scan experiment for DID. But it was nothing more than an experiment, and is not used in common medical practice. A ct scan cannot detect mental disorders 100%.

Later, Bones decides that the reason they were abusive in the past is because of DID.

Bones still didn’t quite understand DID at this point. I don’t think they ever have. Back in the nifaux days, they said she was “faking her multiple personality thing” and treated their DID-based oc (the personification of it, and someone I talked to believed they used to refer to the oc as multiple personality disorder) as being as simple as pulling off your head and replacing it with another. 

Bones had to be literally “convinced” that DID didn’t make them evil. They insisted that the reason they’re abusive is because they had DID. 

Bones is very insistent on not sharing their body with their alters. I’m sure learning at first can be very confusing, but they’ve kept this mindset even now. I don’t understand why they’re so insistent on people with DID being evil. Friends I’ve met and grown close to with DID are some of the coolest people I know. That is also, most likely another lie to get the validation they want.

 Moving on, Here’s the bunch of screenshots I started posting the other day.

Bones literally does NOT understand DID at all just from these screenshots alone. They still refer to alters as separate personalities, not as their own people.

I’ve gone over some of these screenshots so I won’t waste much time on them, but, Alters can form at anytime. It doesn’t have to be tied to Trauma. They can form over the smallest things. There are also dormant alters, and they never really seem to refer to other alters as fronting. They’re not nice to their alters, and they bring back the “this is my body” point. 

THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT PERSECUTORS ARE. Persecutors don’t protect the body, they harm the body and terrorize other alters. Some can even be an introject of a person’s abuser.

I don’t know what doctor they’re going to, if they’re even going to one. They’ve thrown their doctor around before like a weapon, and he doesn’t seem to be good at his job if they keep throwing these ideas and labels in Bones’ direction, because they clearly take things too far.

I fully believe Bones just googles a few things and takes the first result, and the CT scan comment proves that.

I believe Bones tries to find excuses for their actions. They believe that something needs to be the reason for why they act the way they do. 

[writingwithcolor]

Hi, thank you all so much for running this blog--I was hoping I could get your feedback on a Jewish MC. The crux of my question is whether I, a gentile, would be out of line depicting her experiencing internalized discrimination from her own father (who in my first draft was Catholic, but I think that will be changing to a TBD protestant denomination).

The backstory I have for her right now is that her mother is Jewish and places great value on the history and culture of being Jewish, but is not a particularly religious person. Her daughter refers to her as having sometimes attended events at a local reform synagogue and making note of the high holidays but she is, overall, not someone with strict religious observances of any kind, and for a long time she and her husband (raised Christian but deeply agnostic) raise their daughter on the idea that it's important to understand where she and her family come from but that how she ultimately pursues faith--whatever that faith may be--is up to her. Both parents introduce her to the stories and lessons they grew up with but don't pressure her to attend religious events, etc. unless she has a personal, independent interest in doing so. For the first 16 or so years of her life this is how she's raised and her family is stable and her parents seem deeply in love. So far beta readers from households with one Jewish and one Christian parent have told me this backstory seems fine to them, though I welcome any feedback you have, too.

What I'm most concerned about, though, is when she's a teen and her parents divorce. Right now I have the reason for their divorce as being that they fell out because her dad becomes a bit of a Christian zelot and becomes less and less respectful of his wife's religion and background as he gets deeper into this mindset. The reason he becomes like that is essentially that when 9/11 happens MCs mother, who grew up with the story of how her grandparents fled from the Soviet Union because of religious discrimination under Stalin, only narrowly managing to immigrate as far as the US before the breakout of WWII, powerfully empathizes with the people suffering from the horrible rise of Islamophobia we saw in 2001-2002. Her husband, on the other hand, does what I saw a lot of people in my family and community do and becomes increasingly religiously conservative as a reaction the percieved "threat" of the Islamic world. (This is all clearly identified in the book as his being in the wrong.) One of the ways this manifests is that he starts pressuring his daughter, the MC, to attend church services with him and become Christian. His rationale is that he just wants what's best for his daughter--to be "saved."

MC's mother has no tolerance for that crap, as she shouldn't, so they fight quite a bit going forward and eventually separate. Mom gets custody of the MC.

While her father never says anything openly antisemitic--implying those ideas but never stating them explicitly--he does respond to 16 yr. old MC basically asking him if he would still love her if she pursued her mom's faith by saying some bullshit along the lines of "well honey I just love you and want the best for you," as his answer. She never says to him that she's cutting him out, but after this moment she's never close to her father again and by the time the main narrative takes place 10 years later, she hasn't spoken to him since she was 21.

This backstory helps build a foundation for a lot of themes for the MC in terms of different ways alienation manifests in her life, how she trusts, and what we can and cannot forgive our parents for, so I like it from a narrative standpoint, but I would deeply appreciate your feedback on whether writing this kind of experience for a Jewish character is inappropriate for me to be doing. And, if not, do you have any suggestions on ways to modify this backstory, or would you recommend scrapping it entirely? Thank you so much.

Interfaith family broken up when Dad becomes a jerk and a bigot

A difficult situation definitely but I don’t have a problem with the setup. If this isn’t based on your own observations, it’s probably a good idea to get a beta reader with experience around bigots of the same stripe as Dad to make sure the awful stuff Dad says uses word choices and ideas that feel authentic. If that IS your experience I am so very sorry and I hope you have other wonderful people in your life to make up for it. 

--Shira This seems very well planned, and thought out. It's also very real, and will be an emotional read I'm sure. As long as your character isn't forced to give up her Jewishness because of her father, and provided that you are careful during fight scenes between the parents earlier in the work (to ensure that the mom doesn't end up seeming like the Shrill Jewish Woman stereotype), I think you are on solid ground. Good luck!

--Dierdra

Also, I just caught that you said "internalized discrimination" from her dad -- that's not what internalized discrimination means. Internalized discrimination is when someone is feeling negatively about their own group, because they've absorbed bigoted ideas from outside. Discrimination from someone who isn't yourself isn't called “internalized” even when it comes from someone as close as a parent. But that's just a little language correction.

--Shira

Oh no, this backstory is so sad! I hope your MC has a happy ending with some very mutually supportive relationships.

I agree that this shouldn't be a problem as long as you take care to avoid stereotypes on a more micro level in specific scenes. As for the overall idea, nothing jumping out at me. You've clearly put so much effort into creating a believable background for your character and its influence on her current psyche - that gives me confidence that you will write humanised characters rather than falling back on tropes!

Also, don't know if you knew this but something to note with interfaith families: if MC's mother is Jewish, she is a Jew in Jewish law. It doesn't matter what she believes or practises or how she was brought up. (I don't say this to invalidate patrilineal Jews or oppose anyone self-identifying the way they want, but just halachically. You should be aware that many more religious Jews will consider her that way.)

Good luck with your story! I would read this 😌

--Shoshi

[thedannyfinn]

The Story of Absolute Power, Deceit, and Manipulation

This is going to be quite an interesting read for many. I encourage bookmarking and taking breaks. It is out of the request of those involved to bring awareness of the patterns of manipulation, deceit, and absolute power that I delve into my knowledge on this subject as supported by the words of Ashley Purdy, backed by my own experiences and opinions. This will be a very important lesson for many younger musicians as well. This is in part based on my own personal experiences, opinions, and recollection. The sources of the information that will be detailed in this post will be coming from myself alone as an individual and my personal observations with supporting relevant media links.

An Anonymous Warning

This story starts way back in 2012. I remember distinctly researching Black Veil Brides and the making of, when I came across a blog post from a third party detailing the band’s relocation to Los Angeles and its creation from a business perspective. This post which I cannot recall the source platform, nor whom had posted it, to my knowledge had been removed shortly after I had read it. In the post it detailed a young Andy Sixx, around the age of 16, visiting Los Angeles, most likely for acting / modeling where he first met Ashley Purdy. It was said that Andy and Ashley had remained in communication throughout Andy’s return home to Cincinnati, OH. Roughly two years later, shortly after turning 18 and relocating to Los Angeles, Andy had what was said to be a second run in with Ashley Purdy, who was around 31 at the time (yes, nearly twice Andy’s age). The Knives And Pens music video was already out and it had amassed an iconic acclaim overnight. During this time Ashley had used his tactics to manipulate the young Andy into signing away half of the rights to the name Black Veil Brides in a contract that he, and I would presume to be an attorney, had created behind the backs of the others involved. However, in this contract it was said that Ashley had made it so Black Veil were run more so like a business than a band, giving 50% of the creative direction and rights to the band name and brand as a whole to Ashley, but most importantly in this reallocation of power, it had made it near impossible for Andy Biersack to remove Ashley Purdy as a co-business owner for the band, regardless of circumstances. It was also said that this contract had a duration that was indefinite. What this means is that Ashley and Andy were both in equal power meaning no matter what, one could not remove the other and this contract would never expire. This contract were most likely signed by a young and naive Andy with false promises that Ashley had many resources that would help the band grow. At first I had considered this to be some strange fanfic from an anonymous source, nonetheless I had read this post myself and had always kept it in the back of my mind, questioning what level of validity it held.

Intent To Steal

In an interview (2014) with Ashley Purdy, he discusses how Andy Sixx and the Black Veil Brides already had debuted the Knives and Pens music video in 2009 (which had launched Andy and Sandra Alva into international fame nearly overnight) before Ashley had found out about Andy and the Black Veil Brides. Ashley discusses seeing an ad (most likely craigslist) where Andy had listed his influences and was looking to recruit more members. Here Ashley had noticed them being along similar to his and has verbatim said “I was actually looking to STEAL players from there to put in my band, you know?” His intentions most likely had changed into intent to infiltrate once he saw the success tied to Andy as a frontman as he admitted in this interview that he liked Andy as a frontman and was going to continue in the direction Andy and Black Veil Brides were currently on. In a conversation with an outside and anonymous individual whom was living with some of those involved at the time, I personally was told “Ashley didn’t play anything, it was just a given that he were to be in the band someway or another.” Another anonymous individual who was present around this time confirms this to be true.

The Victimizing Narrative of a Manipulator

Let’s fast forward to 2019. At the end of the year we see shockingly that Ashley Purdy and the Black Veil Brides have separated in a mutual agreement. It was said that this was beneficial for both parties and it was a positive thing. However, shortly after in the beginning of 2020 we start to see words from Ashley Purdy in an AltPress article saying “Technically, I didn’t leave; I’m just not in the band anymore. I have to talk in those terms right now” and “Black Veil Brides is a corporate business, and there are legal rules,” he explains. “It’s like a divorce, and we are working it all out.” What we know from this is that the terms of the separation are not yet 100% agreed upon and settled, however implying that there are legal rules and “having to talk in those terms” implies that there is indeed a nondisclosure agreement between the parties of Ashley Purdy and the Black Veil Brides. With that being said, he 100% admittedly shared that he was removed from the group as to be supported from the next time he goes on record with the press.

Following said AltPress article, we had seen a more honest article with the words of Ashley Purdy saying “I guess I can say this because it is the truth. On Feb. 26 [at] 1 p.m., I still currently own half of Black Veil Brides right now. The realization is like it’s a corporate buyout. It’s like me and Andy [Biersack] — 50% each. And they still have to compensate me for them wanting me to depart. But that hasn’t happened yet. And we’re still in negotiations about what that is. I don’t know how to approach it because it’s not finalized yet.” This right here is huge. This 100% backs the warning message that I had come across in 2012 in regards to a 50/50 corporate ownership split between Ashley Purdy and Andy Biersack. Here he also further admits. that not only was he removed from the group, but they actually wanted him to depart which in my opinion implies intent before the 2019 actions. This new narrative is 100% against the initial statements of a mutual parting by both parties and seems to be a direct violation of a rumored NDA as implied by Ashley and it also appears to be a blatant attempt of assuming the role of victim against Black Veil to any interested in the split.

Non-Disclosure / Non-Defamation Clause

During a controversial Crowdcast that Ashley Purdy had done himself on March 26, 2020 titled “Spring Fling” at the minute mark 31:59 Ashley discloses “It’s not like it’s a non-disclosure, it’s just a non-defamation clause..” Which both fall under the non-disparagement umbrella and are similar with a stark exception of non-defamation clauses protecting the entire history of the relationships in any way that could make either party look in any way negative. What this means is that in short, Andy nor anyone else in the band could make a single comment that would in any way show a lack of support of Ashley Purdy at any point in the entire relationship between Ashley Purdy and Black Veil Brides, regardless of validity. I would bet the one whom would want such a clause in place would be Ashley, protecting himself from Black Veil exposing him for his manipulative and deceitful ways which is assumed to have started since his days of first involvement.

At this point the truths according to statements made by Ashley Purdy goes as follows:

There had been a 50/50 split contract between Andy and Ashley

Black Veil had wanted Ashley out of the band

There is a NDA in place regarding the separation

There is a non-defamation clause regarding the relationship

Black Veil Memebers / Crew cannot legally comment in any way that would make Ashley look bad

Breaking The NDA / Non-Defamation Clause

Based on my own knowledge backed by research, in a similar scenario when a NDA or Non-Defamation Clause is broken, one party seeks grounds for lawsuit for the entire capital of the brand of the other party. What this means is that if Black Veil or any member of the Black Veil Brides Brand were to breach the NDA by sharing details of the separation or by making any statements that make Ashley Purdy appear in a negative light, whether true or false, Ashley Purdy would attempt to assume any and all financial capital of the brand and destroy the entire band as an entity. The band would completely cease to exist and Ashley would be in a financially advantages position to ruin the lives of all members under the Black Veil Brides umbrella, suing them for damages and voiding all future gains of profit from each member of involvement as well. This is what happens in cases similar to these where previous business owners insert on separation agreements of non-disclosure / non-defamation and when they are breached it is essentially a “Hail Mary” to reclaim future and previous profits made by the entire brand.

Ashley’s Intent to Manipulate, Groom, Profit

Now, at the time of the contract agreement as supported by the acknowledgement of its existence by Ashley’s statements in the press articles supplied above, it’s safe to assume that this contract were put in place back when the band first started their involvement with Ashley. Ashley would have been 31 years old and Andy would have been 18 at the time where the creative direction of the band would legally rest between two parties for the first time in the band’s history. As proud of a person as Andy is, I can’t help to believe wholeheartedly that Andy as a teen was persuaded and manipulated into signing away half of the rights of the name Black Veil Brides to a man nearly double his age. This is how corporate splits typically occur as to restrict of the brand at its sole genesis, the name. By extension, one could assume that this manipulation had stemmed back from Andy’s first rumored run in with Ashley back at the age of 16 years old. If you had been following this band for awhile, you would have seen an extremely different atmosphere of the band in its early days in regards to the relationship of Andy and Ashley from its later days. I follow this up later with my own personal experiences as I had toured with them multiple times. The TLDR is I never once saw Ashley in the same room as a single other member of the band to my own observation, and it had appeared to me that the majority of the band were not even on speaking terms, nor wanted to associate with Ashley in the slightest and it would not have shocked me if that had been the case for awhile. My first time touring with them was in 2014, which suggests the dichotomy between Andy and Ashley had become apparent in the years prior.

What a 50/50 split means is that no matter what, there would be no way for Andy to remove Ashley at all unless there were some discovered loophole. Andy had committed legally and indefinitely that even if the two parties had hated each other completely, it would be near impossible for Andy to reclaim 100% of the rights to the brand Black Veil Brides and rid the project of Ashley. I strongly speculate based on tonality in interviews, live performances etc that there was a specific time where the manipulation and deceit of a teenaged Andy Biersack had turned into a matrimonial nightmare with no means of an end. It is of my opinion that I trace the flip of naivety to suffering back in 2012. At this time it has become extremely rare to find interviews shared between Andy and Ashley both. Also, this is the time that it had appeared obvious that Andy was severely suffering from a multitude of psychologically destructive antics. Now I by NO means am implying that Andy at this time was a weak person, I am insinuating that he however was another human being who is victim of manipulation, abuse, and with no escape has found himself in a world of suffering.

Andy Black- a Project Born Under Pressured Circumstances

With the assumed unescapable borderline abusive relationship between Andy Biersack and Ashley Purdy, this would be the complete explanation for the existence of the side project, Andy Black and the side projects of the other members of the band. If Andy refused to continue working with Ashley Purdy, he could assume his own project and if the members were reliant on Andy to perform as Black Veil Brides the other members of the band hopefully would share the same ability without conflict of interest. 

Why Was Ashley Not Removed?

This is highly speculative however, with an ownership balance of 50/50 split over the name Black Veil Brides, the only events by which Andy could separate ways from Ashley would be if Andy were to surrender all current and future financial capital of the brand and ownership of the name to Ashley, find a loophole to default ownership back to Andy, or drive the entire brand into bankruptcy along with an indefinite hiatus and find a means of separation. What the last event means is that if there were no current capital (money in the bank) that the band possessed and no speculated future profits by means of indefinite hiatus, Ashley could not sue to take what isn’t there. It’s my guess that this is exactly what had happened and that the band cared so much to remove Ashley that they had driven themselves financially bankrupt. My guess is that the band assumed indefinite hiatus, had absolutely no capital or perhaps was even in debt, had no speculative future profit, and it was on its last leg that a strategy or loophole was discovered that provided means of creating a case for separation where the band would most likely refuse to be active and Ashley would no longer have any income unless he were removed from the band, where the band would then continue and Ashley would be entitled to a cut of profits and for future profits. This is directly supported by Ashley saying “And they still have to compensate me for them wanting me to depart.”

I Am Your Boss

With a 50/50 split of power between Ashley and Andy, this event would then place Ashley and Andy both to be the literal bosses of every single member in the band and every single member of crew as well. Management, Tour Managers, Security Guards, Performing Members, etc all are employed by those in power of the band; Ashley and Andy. What this means is that at any time, Ashley could fire any given member under the Black Veil Brides employment umbrella on the spot at any point with the exception of Andy. This is very important to note as per one of the victim’s case having taken place on the last tour that the band had ever performed in alongside Ashley Purdy. His claims against a proven 17 year old minor walking off of the tour bus late at night that he assumed complete ownership of, were as follows:

There are many issues with this statement. Having toured with them, it is 100% false that Tour Managers and Security guards hold responsibility over band members for checking identification of the guests that the band members bring from the crowd, to back stage, and thusly on to the bus.

Even if in some arrangement Ashley claims that responsibility rests on the shoulders of Mr. Y**** (Andy’s long term personal security from threats of physical harm) and Mr. S******* (The tour manager of the resurrection tour whom held responsibility of resources, travel arrangements, finances etc) The Tour Manager and Security would be in employment positions UNDER Ashley Purdy, meaning they could be fired at any point for any reason and it would be absolutely likely that they would be removed on the spot had there been any confrontation at all for any reason. Based on this, I am absolutely confident that this deranged imposition of power would be held over the heads of all employees under Ashley Purdy which would speak as to the complete avoidance and disassociation that I had personally payed observation to on the multiple tours I had shared with Black Veil.

Another point of error in this statement, is that at this time Andy, head of Security Mr. Y**** and the Tour Manager Mr. S******* had all lived on a completely separate bus from Ashley Purdy at all times during this tour and all tours around this time. It would be extremely unlikely for Ashley Purdy to cross paths with any of these individuals with the exception of the show and sound check alone.

My Experiences

Below are a collection of experiences I had witnessed firsthand along with some backstory on my involvement and where the grounds for my opinions and speculation can be based on. I had only witnessed one event with Ashley that I consider to be inappropriate that took place before 3 years of hiatus from the band before they embarked on one final tour in 2018, the last tour before Ashley was removed from the band.

Black Mass Tour 2014

This is where my personal observations begin take place. I had been touring for a few years in many different roles and in 2014 I was invited to join alongside Black Veil brides mid-tour. When I had joined the tour, I was never approached to sign a NDA because the tour was already in progress, henceforth why I am able to come forth with my own observations. 

During this tour I spent many nights hanging out with various members of Black Veil with the exception of Ashley Purdy. Every night that we had gone out to bars, clubs, restaurants etc several of us would formulate a plan before our early morning bus call (often 4:00 am). Often we would make a group event out of it and invite several other musicians from other bands and/or friends. However, I remember finding it odd that Ashley never once came up in conversation and never was present at a single night out which is why I don’t have many shared experiences between Ashley and myself. Most of the nights I spent socially out at bars with Jinxx and CC heading out with some friends from another band. Some nights Andy had joined us along with a few other crew members where we would sit at a table in a quiet bar or hang out in the front lounge of the bus and often talk about wrestling and/or movies. Or he and I would talk outside the bus late at night, in the venue about Batman, Misfits etc. It was quite clear that Andy was not drinking often at this time and neither was Jake due to health reasons. I remember whenever I were with Jake it was always just for one drink of vodka as it was a “healthier” option to whisky and we never got more than a social buzz to help with out anxiety / social awkwardness. It was also my impression that Ashley would be off doing his own thing away from everybody before the show, and it was almost as if he had vanished after every show until bus call. Honestly, I had never seen anyone in the band talk to or about Ashley at all. It had seemed to me as though no one in the band had associated with him in the slightest bit and they didn’t seem to be on speaking terms at all aside from business obviously. It also would not surprise me if this had been the case for awhile. The only time this tour that I had ever seen Ashley present with any other members was on Thanksgiving day where we had all gone to Hometown Buffet (lol) where Ashley sat away from Andy and Jake near the other end of the table with crew and band members between himself and Andy.

Los Vegas, NV 10/30/14 The first night that I had gone out with other members of Black Veil where Andy, Myself, CC, Jinxx and I believe Jake all went to the Foundation Room with the band’s merchandise manager, various crew members, most other musicians on the tour, and a few friends of the band as well. While we were there, Ashley was somewhere else completely on what he considers to be a “Spring Break” when he tweeted a picture of himself sucking on the chest of a girl at another bar and appeared to be on a multitude of different substances. We had taken an entire group photo where Ashley is not present which I believe was taken on a friend to the band’s phone by another friend whom is a video director. 

Houston, TX 12/11/14 I watched this entire show side-stage. Earlier this Day Ashley was running around in his black boxer brief underwear mid afternoon clearly wasted throwing around a football. I was quite interested in how he were going to be able to perform. As the show were about to start, I stood side stage with Mr R**** (another musician present, not to drag you in my boy) when during the show, Ashley appeared immensely disheveled and sported stubble, no makeup, and a trucker hat and was having troubles walking about the stage. Throughout the show he slowly stumbled around, often missing his own bass when strumming. Early on my parter side stage pointed at Ashley and exclaimed “DUDE HE DOESN’T EVEN LOOK LIKE HE’S PLAYING!” by which I responded with a mere glare out of the corner of my eye. He then responded with “I know, I just wanted to see if you knew.”

Throughout this entire show Andy clearly was frustrated with Ashley and if I remember correctly, at one point Andy brought a barstool from side stage and sat in it during the performance, clearly frustrated. Towards the resolve of the show, Ashley could barely stand up on his own, where Andy held him upright for a moment.

Warped Tour 2015 - Second To Last Black Veil Tour Ever

I had caught a flight out last minute to start Warped Tour and was living with another band at the start. I believe, because of this I had also not been approached to sign an NDA. There was not one night that I recall Andy, Jake or Ashley in attendance to the Warped Tour BBQ, an event that happened every few evenings after the tour was broken down. Later on during the tour, it was 08-02 at the Denver show where the Warped Tour “Prom” was to be held. This is simply another Warped Tour BBQ except with a bit more festivities as usual and having a “date” is somewhat of a normal event.

It was this night where I was on another bus that Ashley was not living on where some important events occurred. I was inside the bathroom on the bus and our singer Zero was in the back lounge. The bus would have appeared empty and quiet to any outsiders. It was extremely unlikely that you would ever see any Black Veil crew member or band members on the bus unless I had brought CC on the bus to hang out with and play Superfight, a card game similar to Cards Against Humanity that Zero and I commonly played with other musicians. I was walking out of the bathroom when I saw Ashley walking on with two girls immediately making a reach for the alcohol on the bus until I had stepped in his way. Zero (whom was quietly working on his Macbook Pro in the back lounge) noticed the event and walked up to the front quickly. Zero who is bigger and older than I had yelled at Ashley to get off the bus and told me to stay back. It is my opinion that Ashley was attempting to sneak behind the backs of his own band and crew at this point.

Later that night I had heard from one of my crew guys that the girls were under the age of 21 and that Ashley had gotten in some serious trouble and the girls were sent home. There were only 4 days remaining on this tour.

This was also the second to last tour that Black Veil Brides had ever done. Between the dates of Warped Tour 2015 and today, Black Veil Brides had only embarked on The Resurrection Tour which had lasted a total of less than 5 months which is where the event’s regarding a minor on Ashley’s bus had taken place, very shortly before his removal from the band.

Closing Statement:

I consider this to be the most complete and detailed composition of relevant events and experiences and I truly believe this has been made in attempt to educate to the best of my ability. I have not posted here besides the typical share from IG in quite some time. This post by no means has been created with any aforementioned dialogue to any involved and is a collective of my sole efforts as an individual and my ability to research and speculate based on my own experiences. I believe with my given perspective, this is most accurate and I hope this can be referred to with intent to answer many questions regarding this troubling subject. I truly wish the best for all parties and victims along with the families affected by this decade long reign of manipulation and abuse. I hope the internal struggle of many that I’m seeing on various socials can be absolved. It is my intent that this will be my last public statement regarding these events and I truly hope I’ve done right by those I am attempting to answer to and have not belittled nor offended any in any way.

Suicide Prevention 800-273-8255

Substance Abuse/Mental Health Helpline 1-800-662-4357

Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-4673

Domestic Violence Hotline 800−799−7233

Crisis Text Line: Text HELLO to 741741

Thank you kindly for reading my post. Feel free to redirect / share as necessary.

Danny Finn

[barnabyleeofslytherin]

Now I know this one'll come as a shock to everyone(haha), but I don't post on this blog much anymore. And I know very well that I don't owe any of you apologies or really explanations for that manner, since, as I'm sure you're all aware, JKR isn't a very good person, and it's reasonable to assume that, many people would wanna distance themselves from her and her work after some not-so-recent thing's she's said and done.

But I would still like to simply come out and generally share the reasons why I'm not quite as active on this blog as I may once have been. I'm on mobile and I haven't slept for about 24 hours(it's around 6am), so I apologise for mistakes and formatting;

First and foremost, I, the Mod, am a gay man. I had started this blog almost as soon as Hogwarts mystery came out (some time around May of 2018 iirc, when I was graduating highschool), and back then I was maybe one of a small handful of gay men in the entire fandom. Back then, being what felt to me, like the only gay man surrounded by a sea of heterosexual and bisexual women felt very alienating to me. I had wanted to interact with people who, like me, were also gay men. I was happy to interact with people who viewed themselves to be women too, of course, but I was often made uncomfortable by these individuals due in part to them being very pushy towards me about how they wanted to date Barnaby.

Second, I'm a Trangender Man. Regardless of if JKR really actively despises my specific group in the transgender community or not, isn't up for debate. She's expressed her opinions on Trans Women, and I stand with my trans siblings(the transgender version of TERFS excluded, I believe they're called Transmeds?) Because of this, I cannot in good conscious, continue to support JRK or the Hogwarts franchise as a whole.

Third, I'm in my early 20s now. When I made this blog, I was a few months off of graduating high school, and a whopping 17 years of age. I'm going to be 21 in less than a month, and I wholeheartedly believe Barnaby and Co. to be children. Hell, they're around 16 in the game now last I'd heard, and while the legal age of consent in Alberta Canada states that 16 year olds can date up to 5 years older, I still cannot force myself to see these children as anything but children. I've lived a lot more life since I first played the game, there's such a gap of life experience between me and an 18 year old of today. These kids are barely older than my little brother. And with there being so much focus on the romantic aspect of the game(again, from what I've seen), I can't comfortably continue playing. (<- Read through it again and I wanna add on to this, I just do not find children attractive in the slightest, as I'm a normal person, who rightfully hates p*dos, and I will block anyone who claims it's okay to be romantically attracted to a child. From a survivor of childhood s*xual ab*se, it's not okay.)

Fourth, my interests and life have changed a lot since I was 17. I'm not interested in Harry Potter anymore, I'm not interested in working with animals anymore. I still love animals, but it's not a career path I want to work. I'm hoping to be a Certified Embalmer within the next year and a half. I just want to pursue adulthood, and become healthy again. I'd even started seeing a therapist before the pandemic to work though my survivors guilt and more. There's a new addition to my family coming later this July(child of my cousin), and one of my Uncles was found dead at 35 literally yesterday (June 20th 2021). I need to be here for my family, and running this blog when I was still active had become a chore.

Sometimes when I get a new notification from this blog, I'll consider deleting it, but this blog was a major part of who I was for about a year. I don't want to just delete it and act as though Harry Potter and the blog weren't major parts of my life, because they were, but they aren't anymore. I plan to leave this blog up, but not use it anymore, as I'd been doing for however many months by now. I will still follow some of my old friends who I'd met through the fandom, because I appreciate the friendship they provided me.

Thank you for bearing with the bone tired, and likely nonsensical ramblings of an almost 21 year old ex-RPer. I mean no harm nor offence to anyone with this post (except jkr) and I genuinely wish everyone still here all the best.

I will be scheduling this post to repost every 6 hours for the rest of today and tomorrow (June 21-22), sorry if it clogs your dashes, I'll tag it with "Scheduled post" for you to block.

~Mod Bennett, the only mod of this blog.

[screamingtome]

Letter to my future lover

Hi.

Welcome to my Tumblr blog. This is where 16-17 year old me spent a ton of time depressed that my straight friend didn't like me back and I was too afraid to tell anyone I was gay. I mostly reblogged stuff, so a ton of stuff must be gone by the time you read this, if you even exist.

Once I started college this was mostly abandoned. I came for a few hours and there I went off for another few years.

Right now it's 03:41 AM, 10 October 2021, so, (hopefully) as the pandemic is finishing. My bedroom is still serving the 2018-2021 horrendous mess, but I bought new furniture that will fix it and make it look real nice. It just needs to be assembled. I'm on that expensive laptop that I bought with my own money. The rain stopped for a bit I think, but it's cold, and despite that my fan is on (low setting but still), Sofia is sleeping under my blankets, Gatinho is sleeping on my dirty clothes basket and I'm wearing some lightweight pajamas, so I'm bit chilly.

I was just watch Schmigadoon, and the couple just broke up. I unpaused my Spotify to write this and a playlist that went from The Climb to All I Ask is playing.

I'm writing this because I'm pretty heartbroken right now (but you guessed from the songs). I wish I could talk to you because in my mind you will be able to understand me but I don't know who you are or if you exist or if we're meant to meet in this lifetime.

The other day I was telling a random person online about when I was bullied, and it dawned on me that it was right at that time that I got into Disney. If you're reading this you probably know how much I love Disney.

Despite all the things that I was made to believe believe about myself, Disney taught me hope. Perhaps a little too much, but it was always despite the heartbreaks and suffering, they came out happy in the end. So I clung onto that, perhaps a little bit too much.

And instead of giving up I went out there, and made the friends I never thought I was gonna have or that someone would want to be to me. I made crazy stuff. I became a lawyer. I had a boyfriend that made me believe someone could want to be with me and even if he ended up manipulating, breaking and destroying my self-worth, I guess I learned something.

I also learned to like myself. Despite my amazing friends, one of the things I miss the most during this pandemic is going out alone. To the theatre, to the movies, to eat, to shop, anything. I love my own company. I love when it's just me and the silver screen.

But I've been also looking for you. As Hedwig would say, "there's no mystical design/No cosmic lover preassigned/There's nothing you can find/That cannot be found". I believe that. Love and relationship should be easy but it also means work. You won't fall of the sky on my lap. You won't find me in my room waiting for you.

I've been talking to this guy. For months. I think since January. We didn't meet yet (pandemic), but at first we hit it off really well like you know it's hard for me. I didn't drop the ball (well, I did at first but then we matched on Tinder and I decided I wouldn't), the conversation keeps going but a few months back he said he went out with some other guy, and realized he wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone and that he wanted to be honest but didn't want to stop talking. I knew I liked him, perhaps as a friend, perhaps as something else, so I kept it going. I decided that if this failed, it wouldn't be my fault. He's really cute.

His replies started taking days to come and I never minded. Sometimes I also take days to reply him and it's not on purpose, although most of the times when I see his notification I just want to reply him immediately.

I think he likes his straight friend. Or maybe it's someone else, He made it pretty clear from his stories that he's suffering for love and wished he wasn't. I asked him if there's something happening and if he wants to talk about it. He'll probably play it off or maybe he will tell me all about it.

(Liability plays)

I'll pretend it's not breaking my heart and that I don't like him. I'll try to meet him in person, but he'll probably refuse. But I do like him quite a lot. And I don't know what to do. I want to get mad at you for taking so long and make me get into these crazy feelings.

Sometimes I pray, because if I pray and there is a God above, he probably won't listen to me asking and crying and do nothing, right?

People tell me I gotta enjoy my own company and they never understand that I do, but I want more. I have all this love that I just want to give away, and all this couple stuff that I want to live and I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. Guess I just want to think that you exist even if for a moment.

At least Adele is coming and Taylor is re-releasing Red so I'll some new stuff to suffer to. Promise you'll make me laugh about this.

<3

[trutimeline]

idislikecispeople, The Most Infamous Dyscourse Blogger: Part 1.0, Rumors

idislikecispeople, also known as many names throughout her time on Tumblr (such as Adele, Kat, Mami, Samantha and Sayaka), was a former Tumblr blogger who became infamous for coining the term "tucute", among many other controversial things she has posted on her blogs. This was supposed to be one, very long masterpost about her, but Tumblr's post editor is a bitch and won't let me do that.

In this post, I'll be debunking or confirming rumors commonly spread about idislikecispeople. The rest of my posts about her will each be dedicated to a specific controversial belief she held or situations she got into. For simplicity's sake, I'll be referring to idislikecispeople as Kat for the rest of this post and future ones.

Rumors

Kat Coined the Terms "Truscum" and "Tucute"

Verdict: Partially True

Kat coined the term tucute, but she did not coin the terms truscum or transmedicalist.

Here's a screenshot of Kat's original definition of a tucute:

Transcript:

What is Tucute?

What does tucute mean?

Tucute is basically just the opposite of truscum, it’s a term and community for trans, nonbinary, and/or non-cis individuals created to separate anti-truscum from truscum and to serve as a safe place from truscum and from cis people, where they believe that being trans requires dysphoria, we do not,where they think that being trans is a medical condition, we do not,and where they deny numerous gender identities on the basis that it “discredits the trans community” we do not.

What are the prerequisites to be a part of the tucute community?

You have to be trans, nonbinary, and/or non-cis in general

You have to accept all pronouns and gender identities

You haveto believe that dysphoria is not necessary to be trans

You have to dislike truscum

You cannot side with truscum or believe in their ideology

You cannot misgender anyone no matter how mad they make you

You cannot be an ableist whatsoever

Did you invent the tucute community? Why?

I indeed did coin the tucute term and community and anyone who says otherwise are creeps who are trying to steal it from me and redefine it for their own nefarious doings. I started this community so anti-truscum could separate themselves from truscum and cis people who are a part of the truscum community, it serves as a safe space from both truscum and cis people.

I’m cis, can I be tucute if I believe in your movement and want to help?

No, you can’t be tucute if you’re cis, you can only be a tucute ally, and you need to be sure to never speak for or over a trans person.

I see a lot of tucuties being just as harmful as truscum, what will you do about it?

There isn’t much I can do to them other than ask them to stop aligning with the tucute community, and of course, that doesn’t mean they will. Also be noted that truscum and cis people will pretend to be tucute just to tarnish the name of the tucute community, so tread lightly, you might be talking to a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Spread the word, use the tag #tucute and join the army today!

[A digital drawing of Sayaka Miki from Puella Magi Madoka Magica in her magical girl form, with a banner underneath her reading "Tucute 4 U!"]

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Kat Was a Cisgender Woman Who Lied About Being a Transgender Woman

Verdict: False

This rumor primarily comes from a post on Kat's oldest known Tumblr blog, chromaghost, where she claims that she wasn't MTF and only tagged a selfie as such because she thought that transgender people were "cool".

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: are you a mtf? i seen it tagged on one of your photos.

No lol. I wanted to post it to the tag because transgender people are cool :3

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However, Kat addressed this post and made it clear she very much was a transgender woman multiple times on her later blogs. This claim can also be confirmed with nude photos Kat posted online, which I don't feel comfortable spreading, so you'll just have to trust me on that one. I also don't feel comfortable directly encouraging you to go and dig up those nudes, as most of her nude photos were either taken when she was a minor, spread without her consent and/or were uploaded because people pressured her into posting nudes to "prove" she was a transgender woman.

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: you bound with ace bandage in one of your selfies. i don't know what to think about you anymore. according to some people you're a 27 year old cis woman scamming us, but you say you're a 22 year old trans woman. i want to trust you but i don't know if i can. i'm sorry.

Rest assured I’m not 27 years old lol. What you’re referring to is a less than graceful ~art piece~ we did (”Playing a Boy” or something) on deviantART when we were 16/17 (?) and really ill-informed. I ask you to not take that as how I stand currently – as I have learned so much more since, and I have a penis and I was designated male at birth because of it (feel free to purchase a passcode to our nsfw blog to see for yourself). At the time we were developing breast tissue but still had to appear as a ‘boy.’ Don’t bind with Ace bandages, kids, it can damage your rib cage, something we didn’t know at the time.

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Transcript:

[A picture of two prescriptions, estradiol and spironolactone, both prescribed to Adele Sheffield.]

grandtran still gonna think I photoshopped it or what

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Transcript:

Anonymous asked: In other words, you aren't gonna cough up the pics because you know you can't fake that shit because you're actually cis. Cool. BTW why do you keep changing your story about the blog, and if the blog was run by you when you were in denial about being trans because of self hate, why were the pics tagged mtf and you were constantly saying trans people were cool?

Yeah I’m not gonna do something for y’all and get nothing in return except more doubt from you, you see how one sided that kind of request is? Also its technically considered sexual harassment, just because its on the internet, you’re a coward (whats your username btw?), and you think I’m cis and you want me to prove time and time again to you that I’m dmab doesn’t justify sexually soliciting someone when they’re not comfortable in being solicited – for free no less.

At first I genuinely had no memory of that blog, it was only active for all of 2 months and for some reason I moved onto a new email and new tumblr, and I haven’t the foggiest why. As for the whole “me claiming to not be ~mtf~” I don’t have any memories from that time, I can only assume it was a lot of dysphoria fueled self-hatred and wanting to be seen/pass as a cis girl lesbian.

If you’re really gonna solicit nudes from a trans woman (a second time) as they do sex work to try and stay on their feet without offering anything in return just so your transmisogynistic ass can get off to trying to tell me my dick is fake isn’t classy at all. I perish the thought of what you’re parents would think of this behavior from you. But yeah, feel free to send some money to my paypal so I can get the gender markers on my records changed because that’s gonna cost a lot apparently, and I’ll definitely send you the dick pics you want. :)

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Transcript:

[A picture of a a hospital bracelet on Kat's wrist. The patient's name is Adele Sheffield and her sex is labeled as "M".]

(source)

Kat Lied About Having Diabetes To Get Money From Tumblr Users

Verdict: False

This doesn't need much commentary from me, just view the screenshots below.

Transcript:

To the people who keep harping on me buying a $15 video game for my mental health 7 MONTHS ago “with my donation money,” well, here you go, some proof, links and screenshots provided

So for everyone spreading misinformation about me spending $15 on a video game for my mental health, here’s a full list of reasons why there is no way, shape, or form I spent my paypal money on it:

Yes, I spent $15 of my own money after selling one of my possessions, not denying it:

[A screenshot of a Tumblr post by Kat where she shows off a copy of Fall Out: New Vegas, marked with a price of $14.99. The date of the post is marked as July 21, 2014 at 06:28.39 PM.]

Be sure to look at the date, July 21st, 2014 6:28 PM. Now lets look at my first donation post asking for help:

[A screenshot of a Tumblr post by Kat where she asks for donations to be able to afford insulin because she has no insurance. The date of the post is marked as July 20, 2014 at 08:14.00 PM.]

Hmm, one day before the purchase of said game, July 20th 2014 at 8:14 PM. Now, I’ve never heard of a video game store — much less a non-chain video game store accepting payment for video games in the form of virtual Amazon gift cards, have you? Oh, but you’re gonna say, “well you bought the game with your paypal donations anyway!” Well, here’s exhibit C:

[Another screenshot of a separate post made by Kat where she is also asking for donations to be able to afford insulin. The date of the post is marked as July 23, 2014 at 12:27.46 PM.]

Again, looking at the date of this posting which is the original donations post, you can see it was posted on July 23rd, 2014 at 12:27 PM, a full 2 days after I had bought the game. Now, if there’s no way for me to use Amazon gift cards for a real life video game store, then how can I go back in time a minimum of 2 full days to give past me $15 to buy said game, hm? This isn’t even accounting for the fact that I didn’t even have my own bank account associated with it until over a week later, and it surely doesn’t account for the fact that it takes up to 5 days to transfer from paypal to your bank account. All the dates are linked to the original unedited posts so you can see for yourself, and for added measure my first deposit was on August 14th, 2014:

[A screenshot of a deposit made by Kat. The date is marked as 08/14/14.]

Oh but yeah, anti-sjs, truscum, and the like took damniwishidthoughtofabettername’s postthey used to gaslight us with misinformation and you all bought it. Tell me how I could misuse donations that I could not use outside of Amazon and money I didn’t even start receiving until a full two days later, let alone the fact that there’s no way I could have transferred said money and used it two days prior as of the date of the paypal donations post.

I hope some of y’all could reblog this and get the word out, I’m sick and tired of people buying into that misinformation that person did solely to gaslight me as a means to try and disrupt my donations drive.

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Transcript:

[A selfie of Kat holding up a vial of Novolin to the camera.]

Hey anon, I don’t feel comfy giving you my receipts (because doxxing is a thing) but here you go, a selfie with my most recent insulin purchase. 👽

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Transcript:

Anonymous asked: Getting desperate for money again I see. How is your fake diabetes lately. I bet your blood sugar is like 800 this time and you're still able to be alive somehow.

You got me, I’m ~totally faking~

[A selfie of Kat. In the background several items used by diabetics are seen such as insulin syringes, glucose tablets, a blood sugar tester and test strips.]

[A picture that gives us a closer look at the background of the previous selfie.]

[A selfie of Kat holding up two vials, one of Lantus and the other of Humalog.]

Gee, must be one dedicated faker, right? To have hundreds of dollars of insulin equipment and insulin itself. Hmmm… Insulin syringes, glucose tablets, a blood sugar tester and test strips.. oh and insulin, hmmmm….

Oh and because you didn’t learn from last time you don’t die instantly when your blood sugar goes over 600 lol, something anyone who studies endocrinology can tell you, and I would know, being a diabetic, having to be hospitalized numerous times for ketoacidosis where the blood sugar has been too high for too long. Things you clearly do not know and you’re just jumping on the disableist bandwagon. I have an idea of who you are anyway, just doing this for future reference.

(source)

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Good morning/afternoon/evening/night, Ralph. (I think I covered all my time zone bases there). I have been thinking lot lately about all the rhetoric in the fandom about Harry’s health and well-being, and how loud it has felt this year. To be clear, I am not asking for you to weigh in with your own speculations about how Harry is doing, unless you feel comfortable doing so. (I’m not telling you what to do either way, obviously, seeing as I am only a little grey icon in your inbox and have no right or way to demand anything of you.) I’m more looking for guidance or even just your rambling thoughts about what is respectful and appropriate when we’re wondering about a celebrity’s well being, and how you handle your own thoughts and assumptions about this. I feel like over the course of the last year we’ve just been inundated with all this panic and speculation about how Harry is unhappy or unhealthy or otherwise not himself, going all the way back to the Jingle Bell Ball Golden performance. Every time we get any new content there’s a wave of people saying he looks too thin and overworked like he’s not getting enough food or rest, or overweight and out of shape (pick a lane, people), he looks stressed, he looks sad, he looks angry, his eyes have lost their sparkle, his smile is dim, he’s addicted to drugs, he’d addicted to drugs because Jeff is doping him up to keep him going, he’s going to quit music, he’s going to hurt himself, blah blah blah. And the people making these “observations” hide behind the assertion that they’re just worried for his health when they’re faced with any sort of criticism.

This whole ongoing rhetoric feels really…icky? I suppose? to me. I do kind of think he has looked more drawn and intense (“stressed” and “sad”) in the content we’ve gotten this year, but I also think (1) the content we’ve gotten has largely been pap shots and stunt stuff, (2) this year he had to postpone his tour, and we know he loves performing so that must have really sucked, and (3) this year has just been rather shit for all of us, we’re all stressed and sad and scared and frustrated by the larger political and social goings on, and by the ways our own lives are impacted. In the past, the content we’ve gotten where Harry looks the happiest and most at ease has been performance footage or him with his family and loved ones. We haven’t gotten any of that this year. It makes sense that the pictures we do get would feature him looking less than completely relaxed and jubilant. And then there are all the assumptions that he’s lost weight or gained weight and is therefore unhealthy or on drugs or drinking a lot and that just honestly pisses me off. You cannot tell jack shit about a person’s health from their weight, and especially not in random pictures taken at random intervals in random settings. To pretend you can is harmful, and Harry probably won’t see you making these assumptions about his mental and physical health based on the prominence of his cheekbones in a set of pap pics, but friends and strangers who are already struggling with their weight will. And the assertion that someone is dealing with an addiction of any kind (or, god forbid, and I hate even typing this, being subjected to drug use at the hands of someone with power over them) is an allegation that a) you can’t make from one picture and b) has really deep, life altering, tragic and painful and hard consequences for that person and all their loved ones, and deserves more respect and deference than to be treated as something you can just throw out into the great wild beyond and then forget about.

But beyond the fact that people are making hurtful and invasive allegations and assumptions about a real person’s private life based entirely on a very very limited and posed and edited set of content that was hand chosen to be given to us, I think the thing that bothers me the most is it feels like the people who are driving these conversations are doing so because they want something from Harry. It’s never (or rarely, I suppose) “man Harry looks tired in the pictures we’ve gotten lately, I really hope he’s taking care of himself, things have been so hard for us all.” It’s always “Harry has been so withdrawn and sad and angry he’s not communicative with fans and he’s not willing to engage with them when he sees them in public and I miss him. I miss my Harry. I miss happy Harry. I want him back. Give me Harry back.” Which tells me the concern isn’t Harry or Harry’s health, but rather the feeling that Harry owes us something that he hasn’t been giving, and now he must pay up or give us a valid excuse.

Then I do, occasionally though, find myself thinking “am I doing exactly what I’m complaining about? Am I assuming the worst of people based on a limited set of insights into their lives?” And in the wake of the Britney legal battle that has been unfolding recently, I sometimes wonder if maybe as fans we do have kind of a duty to call out celebrities when they seem to be struggling or acting incredibly out of character. Most of the time I follow this up immediately with the thought that I’m not responsible for anyone else’s health and safety, much less that of a 27 year old man I’ve never met and have no connection to beyond liking his music and his face, and I do truly believe that, but there is some part of me that feels uneasy just turning off all my concern, because I am a person who tends to be greatly concerned about everyone, who just wants everyone to be happy and healthy and safe and loved, and who wants to help people feel that way, where and when I can. So I guess what I’m asking, in the incredibly long winded and winding way I ask anyone anything (my poor husband, he gets a novel from me every time I ask what he thinks we should do for dinner) is do you have any of these same feelings and concerns? How do your navigate them? Where do you draw a line? Do you just withdraw completely from this type of speculation? How do you balance being a kind, engaged, empathetic fan with being a respectful, responsible fan who knows their limits? (And man, isn’t that the ultimate question?). Your blog is one I end up on whenever something big happens or a particular conversation pops up, because I’ve found that I really value the way you break things down and are willing to consider them from many perspectives, so I appreciate you even taking the time to read this.

Thanks for your interesting thoughts about Harry anon. I feel like there's a lot to respond to here and I'm going to start by answering the questions your questions - and then I'm going to get distracted and talk about a post I really hated.

I'm always a little bit worried about Harry, and all 1D members. He might be really struggling, that's always a possibility. Harry has lived a very intensely scheduled high workload life since he was 16. He might have had all sorts of responses to the fact that that schedule was removed, or anything else that is happening in his life. But I feel like I'm generally pretty boundaried about those concerns.

I think part of it is because my base line assumption is that boyband members are pretty fucked up. You don't need to know a lot about the history of touring musicians to know that. I think I've said before that if 1D members are eating every day and not doing needle drugs then they're doing better than we have any right to expect (and if they're not eating and are doing needle drugs, then those are coping mechanisms for intense stress and there's no shame in either of them).

I do think it helps with boundaries to be starting from a point that acknowledges how hard it is to be a popstar. I'm all about fantasies of omnipotence and in my day to day life I think I can fix all sorts of things, but I don't think I can make any difference to any 1D member's life.

In addition, I am profoundly affected by having been a fan throughout 2016. We know what it looks like when Louis was going through a horrendous, devastating, trauma - and it looks pretty normal.

None of this means I don't have opinions, or worries, but I am aware that my opinions or worries aren't facts. It's rare that I think that my worries should matter even to people reading my tumblr, let alone other fans in general, and certainly not Harry. You say 'am I doing the same thing as other people assuming the worst about people...', but I'd argue that that's actually not the problem. There's nothing wrong with assuming the worst of people. What is wrong is when fans think their assumptions about a celebrity should matter to anyone else. You don't have to turn off your concern to think that it's not a priority.

I definitely think it would be a very bad thing if people took the moral as the 'free Britney' movement as 'fans should call out celebrities when they think they're struggling'. That sort of surveillance isn't effective or useful. What has been useful for Britney is solidarity in a well documented power struggle, which is a very different thing.

And I can't emphasise enough how important the 'well documented' aspect of this is. What most fan worrying about Harry amounts to is: 'I don't like what he's doing, and there's no way he'd do things I didn't like and therefore there must be something wrong with him'. That's a really controlling way of thinking about people. I really think it's important not to reproduce that abusers logic.

I am pretty well insulated from that sort of discourse from a very well weeded dash. But I saw a post that was mostly about other fandom stuff, that treated assumptions like: "Harry must hate being with Olivia and he's suffering and it's clear he's not happy with his image and his team" as building blocks that you don't even have to argue for (this is the post - and I'm going to come back to one of the things someone said that was even worse in a second).

Lets stop for a minute and imagine that Harry hasn't got a problem pretending to date Olivia, and his main concerns are about the messiness of life and his career at this point in time. It is really fucked up and agressive, and pretty hateful towards Harry, to say 'oh he couldn't possibly want this. It's clear that he hates it.' etc. (I feel like I've been making this argument for years about people who object to Louis doing such things as smoking and not performing middle-class culture for them). When fans trash talk what Harry is doing at the moment, and suggest that believing he could be choosing what he's doing is some how an act of huge disrespect to him, there is every chance they are trash talking him and the choices he's making.

The final thing I want to draw attention to is how often this sort of fan storytelling is combined with a profound lack of interest in what 1D members are actually going through. The tags screen shotted and added on to the post I reblogged actually described Holivia as Douis 2.0. Apparently assuming that there was absolutely no connection between Douis, and Louis and his family's ultimately successful efforts to privacy as Jay was dying. What the fuck is wrong with people that they ignore that, and erase that? There's far more interest in making up 1D members suffering so that fans can continue to tell the stories they want to tell, than actual acknowledgement of what we know that they went through.

Sorry I got distracted. What I'm trying to say is that there's nothing wrong with having feelings about celebrities or telling stories about them. But it's so important to acknoweldge the limits of your knowledge and power, even when fandom discourse encourages the opposite.

[peachyunjinnie]

❝there’s always a first time❞ hjs ― m.

― summary:

your brother seungmin is very protective over you, but one day your best friend gave you a stick and poke tattoo and you get an infection. fortunately seungmin’s friend jisung as a hobby tattoo fanatic helps you take care of it and when seungmin wasn’t there you two decide to run away.

badboy!jisung/goodgirl!reader | fluff, smut | 5.3k ↬ content warnings: swear words, the mention of alcohol and drugs. drunk/high sex, with a little size and corruption kink.

a/n: i had this idea a couple of days ago and i tried my best to get this idea into a fic, i hope you enjoy it !!

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The relationship between me and my cousin Seungmin is better than with anyone else, you could say that we could consider ourselves as siblings and even best friends. We had the same taste in humor and even better lived in the same house after my mother died right after she gave birth to me. My father ended up bringing me to my aunt and uncle at the age of 2. 

Seungmin is 1 year older and has ‘BBPI’ as he calls it which means Big Brother Protection Instinct. I know, complete nonsense and as a 16-year old I don’t get why I have to be protected. Well, as Seungmin said I am still ‘his small sister’. Pathetic. As said before Seungmin is 1 year older to be exact 11 months and 28 days and has friends, for whatever reason, he has a whole group. Well, he warned me about one of them, the walking trouble: Han Jisung. He basically is the opposite of me, a 180 if you want to say it.

He stole the car of his stepfather numerous of times and I remember seeing him drunk and completely stoned in school, that I will never forget. Last year he was stumbling through the hallways of our school. His hair messy and his smile never leaving his lips. He had the hardest time trying to keep his eyes open, or even just keeping his legs moving. And the best part, he puked on his teacher's chest. It was the highlight of the whole day, no the whole semester. His stepfather thank god is very wealthy and managed to keep him in school, somehow.

I heard a lot of rumors about this Jisung and I really do not want to believe that he was in the Russian mafia boss nor do I want to believe that he killed his father and is living with his mother who helped him. It was really funny though to hear how unique and ridiculous the fantasies and the gossip was at our school, I mean a Russian mafia boss, seriously?

I hung out with my own friends, but sometimes I would get to talk and just meet my brother’s friends. In conclusion, we even had the same taste in friends. They were really nice. I really have the best friendship with Felix and Changbin. Felix firstly has an excellent taste in music and humor, secondly, he is by far one of the most concentrated gamer I’ve ever met. Changbin is just Changbin. He is kind of annoying and clingy with his friends. Which you would’ve never expected from this buff hulk. And to be completely honest with you, Changbin and Lix...are kind of cute together.

Well, with Seungmin being as protective as he is, he has told me clearly that dating is already a picky topic but dating one of his group members. I think he would be as angry as he was when I asked him what a ‘Day6′ was. He really ignored me for 3 weeks straight, with a text message saying ‘if you know who wonpil is then you are allowed to talk to me’. (stan day6, cowards.)

“Stop moving so much, I’ve done it before and you’re overreacting.” She whisper-screamed. She was nearly done with her K on my thigh, It was way bigger than I thought it would be, but it looked good.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m just getting poked by a hot needle on my thigh over and over again.” My sarcasm was louder than the thoughts in my head that were shouting lines of ‘you’re so in trouble’ or ‘you will never be able to get this off your skin’. 

“So.. Here we go. Done.” She said as she was looking at her masterpiece of a K on my thigh of the size of a thumb. But it looked even and nice. She has done a (The first letter of y/n) on her thigh. I cannot believe how red it was though, and swollen. Extremely swollen

“Kim, when will it be ‘okay’?” I asked her with a slight nervous undertone. I really am the biggest chicken on earth. She opened her bag and got saran wrap. She took some out and wrapped it over her creation with such a soft touch. I still cringed and squinched.

“Maybe a week or two. It doesn’t take too long.” She smiled at our bond. I smiled with her. We ended up in a big hug and stayed like this for some time before she packed her stuff and headed out.

I admired her work on my thigh and stood up, with an overwhelming pain spreading across my thigh. I couldn’t stand up on my own feet, my thigh stung extremely and harshly. 

Panic rising through me, what the heck should I do now? Should I call my mom and tell her about it? Should I tell Seungmin and ask him for help? Should I just emigrate to Brazil and start my new life as a Silvia Theresa Rodriguez? 

I crawled to my bed and tried my best to let the 2 years drama club pay off. I called my mom and asked for a painkiller. She came up to my room and sat on the edge of my bed.

“Honey, is everything okay?” Her concerned eyes scanned my body and noticed my messy hair and my pale face. I coughed.

“Mom, I-I’m sick.” She sat there and looked at me and gave me the painkiller with a glass of water. 

I snatched it out of her hand and gulped the pill down as if it were the only banana in the jungle. Her concern grew faster and she shook her head.

“I’m going to call your teacher. You’re not going to school.” She said as she got off my bed and walked off with her phone in her hand, dialing the number.

After the longest 8 hours, Seungmin came home, and thank god came into my room. With a bag of McDonald's and a big smile, he went to my bed and sat down. 

“Why didn’t you come to school?” He gave me the bag and with a breathtaking smell of fat and fast food filling my nose and getting the best of me. 

“Oh, I am sick my head hurt a little, and mom overreacted.” I said with a huge load of fries in my mouth.

With a small pat on my thigh, he hit the right spot of the K and a shriek came out, my whole body tensing up and Seungmin looking at my covered thigh. He took the blanket off. My shorts relieving the now swollen and slightly scabbing spot. 

A moment of silence filled the room and Seungmins face has gotten from a healthy color to a concerning red and then to a frightening purple.

“Surprise...” I smiled awkwardly.

“Y/N, you got a fucking tattoo...” His voice was a low growl, but still, you could clearly hear the pure panic in his voice.

“Uhm, haha yea. So I made it myself, you like it?” My shaking voice showing the state of mine. My thigh looked pretty bad and as painful as it would’ve been, without the painkillers.

“Did you disinfect it?” My whole head went blank. Of course, it was so swollen and scabbing, Kim didn’t disinfect it. My face went paler than pale and I rethought the consequences of an infection.

“Okay, I’ll take that as a no. Get your shoes and we will get to my friend he will help you.” He really was very serious about the infection so I stood up with a numb pain, but not as overwhelming as it was yesterday. I searched for my shoes and directly followed him.

A quick bus ride and a small foot-march later there was a big but still small and cozy house. Red and white, reminding me of a red velvet cupcake. Looks fancy but is cute at the same time. The grass and the dwarfs decorating the beautiful view. A middle-aged lady working in the garden, planting in seeds and watering the red tulips. 

“Hello, Mrs. Han is Jisung home?” He grinned at her.

“Oh hello, Seungmin. Nice to see you again!” She smiled at him with a motherly aura surrounding her. She hugged him and I could see that she liked Seungmin a lot. He didn’t really know what to do awkwardly stood there and let her do. She noticed me standing there and hiding behind Seungmin's tall figure and met with her warm brown eyes.

“Hello, and who are you?” she asked with a bigger smile.

“Uh, I am Seungmins sister.” I immediately trusted her and her warm embrace.

“Ah yes, I can see the model genes going in the family. You seem like you’re in a big rush to see Jisung, he’s in his room.” She told us and saw my embarrassed blush across my face as Seungmin took my hand and yanked me downstairs to where Jisung was.

The basement as a room, interesting. It was colored black and had a lot of posters of some bands that I have never heard of. There he was on his bed smoking a cigarette and admiring his newest addition to his arm, a slightly red and in saran wrapped tattoo. A small skull drinking from a glass bottle, very precise and well made. He sat there and continued to smoke.

“Seungmin, what’s up.” he took a puff. Not giving anyone a single look. His hand tapping over his forearm and keep admiring his skull. 

“I need your help. My sister made a tattoo and now it’s infected. Do you know what to do?” Seungmin seemed very concerned and worried. Jisung stood up and chuckled a little.

“The little Y/N, has a tattoo?” He asked me and looked down at me. 

His eyes have the same warm brown as his mothers and I weirdly trusted him regardless of his reputation. His hair was dyed a very light blonde and his face was very chubby, unlike his body which was athletic: muscular but slim. He had two tears on his face and my thoughts went crazy. Who in the actual hell did he kill and the rumors of Jisung being a Russian mafia boss came into my mind and I reconsidered if I should be worried to be in a room with him?

“Seungmin, I have some lemonade for you.” Mrs. Han's voice echoed through the basement and he looked at Jisung.

“Go for it, I will take care of her.” He gave him green light and Seungmin looked at him with a look in his eyes. Which could be translated into ‘If you hit on my sister, I will drag your corpse to the nearest forest and let you get eaten by the birds’. Jisung nodded and Seungmin went upstairs.

“So tell me, how did you do that?” He said with a smile as he pointed to my infected K. His hair falling on his face, a little messy but still perfectly proportional.

“Uhm, a long story...” He went to his desk and took out a liquid and a cotton pad. He pushed the chair next to the bed and patted the bed. I quickly sat down. Him in front of me.

“I have time, come on.” He looked up and gave me a simper. I felt a small tickle again and wanted to trust him with it.

“Well uh, my friend Kim wanted to get us bonded. She took a needle and poked my skin for some time until it was done.” He laughed a little, letting me see his whites. 

“You stick and poked and didn’t disinfect it?” His eyes still on mine and not leaving the look they had, of the warm and soft chocolate brown.

“No, we didn’t and stop making fun of me- Ah-” His cold hand touching my thigh. My body stiffened and it was hard to relax.

“Calm down, relax. You wanna listen to music? disinfecting this will be a little uncomfortable.” He stood up and walked to his stereo. He took out a cassette and stuck one in. A prehistoric cassette, I haven’t seen this since I listened to Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban one years ago. After some seconds of silence, ‘All The Small Things’ by blink-182 boosted through the speakers.

He turned around and sat down again and wet the pad with this liquid. He took off the wrap and the air hit the wound. It was a stinging soreness, that leads me to look away and bite my lower lip, hard.

He took the wet pad and started to clean up the wound as careful and gentle as possible, the stinging and burning pain was a very harsh rush of pain. I whined and groaned loudly.

“Does it hurt?” He asked as he was still cleaning up.

“Well, yes,” I said with a small whine.

“Good. If I see you with a new tattoo I will get you punished.” his voice getting raspier and raspier. But he still cleaned the wound up and was done with the disinfecting. He stood up again and got some of the saran wraps and pointed his finger, signaling me to stand up.

I stood up from his bed and he kneeled down to wrap it up. His hands still very cold and tickling my thigh. 

“So Kim, is your friend?” His voice a little absent.

“Yes, my best.” I had to automatically smile.

“Tell me about her, how is she like?” I was surprised at his interest in my personal life but answered him.

“Oh, um she is reckless and she never thinks about her actions. She makes out stupid things that I have to box her out of. But she also has a nice and gentle side that not many know. I love her a lot.” I smiled at our memories and how easy it was to be myself around her.

As I was in my thoughts, Jisung took out a bottle of Jack Daniels and takes a glass. He gets him a good amount and gets another glass after seeing my big eyes. After a long friendship with Kim who was known for drinking, I have never drunk any alcohol, well until today. He gave me a glass full of brown fluid.

“I- I can’t believe we did that.” I laughed as Jisung was holding my hand walking on an abandoned street in the middle of nowhere. He had given me a big sip of the whiskey, it was a burning sensation of my taste buds being confused and curious for more. 

“It’s better, not being sober right?” He asked stumbling into the sunset.The bitter taste of the alcohol and the adrenaline of me running away with a friend of my brother without his permission. I felt every single touch of his hand tightening and holding my hand in his clutches not letting go.

“Come on drink it, Y/N. The painkillers are not going to help you any better than Jackie will.” He smiled and waved the glass in front of my nose. I mean I never was drunk and I want to know what it’s like. My curiosity and stupidity have gotten control of me and I accepted with a shaky hand. 

I took a small sip of the whiskey and the bitter and stinging sensation was so disgusting. I couldn’t swallow it and started to look around for somewhere to spit it at. But with Jisung forcing me to look up at him with his fingers, pushing my head upwards. 

“Swallow it, now.” his eyes burning holes into mine and letting me breathless with no other choice other than swallow. I gulped the fluid down and the burn in my throat was unbelievably harsh. 

“Good girl, now. If Seungmin sees your ass drunk this will be very dangerous for both us. Do you have any other clothes or is this everything you’ve got?” He already searched in his closet and gave me a black hoodie with some jeans. 

“Here you go. Hurry up, my mom is not going to keep him for any longer.” He went upstairs and left me with there a little tipsy and with some clothes from this boy that I barely knew. 

After getting them on I noticed the size difference, Jisung has it in L. On me it was XXL. The size was really funny and the jeans that should hug his waist like they are on the ones he is wearing, are now hanging from my pelvic bone. I saw my reflection of the mirror and busted out in laughter. 

Jisung came down and looked at my new outfit, and laughed as well. He came in front of me and squished my cheeks. He played with them and ruffled my hair into a mess, I officially am looking like I just woke up with my PJ’s. 

“You look so cute, this stuff is the tightest clothing that I have and your body is just sliding through.” He smiled and looked into my eyes, his hands still cupping my cheeks. A strong smell of alcohol and cigarettes leaving him, mixing with his cologne.

He stepped back and admired this baggy look. He had a hand on his chin, thinking about what can make it look even better than it already does. With an idea in his mind he sought for.... a belt. 

He took the of course black belt and put it over my waist. I almost wanted to remind him that I am not a toddler and can put on a belt myself, but the sudden closeness of him and his firm grip on his jeans on me. My heart did a small tap dance, but he continued to put it on with no sign of hesitation.

“This looks better. Take your shoes and let’s get out of here.” Trouble, that was what I am going to get after this. Am I out of my mind going with Jisung with no other thought? Am I dumb for trusting this dude that threw up on his teacher's chest in the hallway last year?

He packed his bag with a shit ton of bottles and some other stuff that I don’t even want to know what it is, the curiosity of what is in this bag now really bugged me. What did he have in this bag? He started to notice my glare on his black backpack.

“You ever had drugs, little one?” He asked as if it was the most normal thing to ask a 16-year-old. If I ever had drugs, the small sips of this weird and burning stuff and the coffee I had in the morning.

“N-No.” My stutter surprised me and the sudden tension started to get harder and intense. My subconscious shouted in my head to get out and go home with Seungmin, but this Jisung really had something and I wanted to explore that.

“There’s always a first time and I needed to go out anyway. You wanna meet my friends?” His smirk was absolutely precious and there was no way in hell that I could say no to this face. After my agreement, he smiled even brighter than before. He took some of his rings and gave those to me and some chains. I looked so different from what I daily wear and with a hat my appearance was complete.

“I-It’s so much better. Not having this pressure.” After another big gulp of the whiskey, he threw the bottle to the road and opened his bag. A see-through water like a bottle. He gave it to me and I opened it after some seconds of struggle. We stumbled through the sunset of the lonely and empty roads of a beautiful panorama.

“Le-Let’s sit down for a while. I am so ti-tired.” I laughed and sat down on the empty road. He joined me and took the opened vodka bottle from me and took a small sip after gasping dramatically and getting a green bag out of his pocket. It looked like leaves and after a long time of finding out what it was, I knew it when he started to build a joint.

I took the bottle and drank the alcohol. I couldn’t believe this scenario, I am drunk and I am about to get high. I will get so much damage for this one night, but it still felt like it was a Bonnie and Clyde after play. Such a euphoric moment, and a moment I would’ve never have dreamed of.

So deep in my own thoughts and my own actions and with this alcohol in my hands, I didn’t see that Jisung was already done with his work. He saw my lazy eyes and pointed out to his bag.

“Hey, listen to music on my phone the code is 0325.” I crawled over to his bag and searched for the perfect song and here it was. New Flesh by the Current Joys, a carefree and a lighthearted song. The song started playing and Jisung snickered.

“I start to really learn a new si-side of you. Little miss Y/N.” He finished his joint and licked it clean. He grabbed in his bag and pulled out speakers. This bag really is a survival kit. He connected them to his phone and the music blasted out with such an enormous volume.

He took out his lighter and the fire sneaked it’s way through the marijuana and gives out a really unique smell. He seemed relaxed and fell on his back. He now was lying on the hard and cold cement road, his little relaxing tool between his fingers.

“So you never smoked before, like ever?”He has gotten up again and let his arm over my shoulder, giving me a really focused look.

“N-Nah.” I giggled for no reason. My head felt dizzy and my vision getting blurry after breathing in second-hand smoke.

“So I’m gonna show you, ho-how to do it the right way.” He smiled and almost closing his eyes completely.

He took my face into his hand and held the joint on the other hand. He gave it to me and I held it the best way I could, trying to let it fall down. I took a big hit and coughed all of the smoke out in a matter of 3 seconds.

He laughed uncontrollably and as he was laughing my head started to turn, my stomach started to growl and my mouth was getting dry. I honestly did not expect it to work that easily but I felt the difference in my body. I took another puff of it and another.

With a little time it has gotten easier and better to not cough. Jisung after not talking for what seemed like a whole eternity, started to notice that the sky is getting darker. He saw a whole field next to the road and threw his stuff in there and threw himself as well.

“Come here! The field is soft.” He shouted from his new spot and I giggled and jumped on top of him. His laugh resounded through the emptiness surrounding us and my giggle became a little quieter when I felt his hand on my hip. As before, when he put on the belt for me, my face grew hot and my eyes stayed on him and I played with his hair. He stroked my body with his fingertips, it feeling like electric wires rushing through my hot body. 

I leaned down and then kissed his soft lips. Right at this moment I didn’t care about anyone. My brother, my parents, my friends not even my own thoughts that screamed in my head to cut it off and go home. I wanted to live and wanted to enjoy, feel this moment. Exactly live in this moment right here and there. In a field in the middle of nowhere with the music still blasting somewhere near us and the taste of alcohol still running through my mouth and most importantly, Jisung being right here and there. 

“I d-don’t want to pressure you to anything, Y/N.-” I shushed him up with another kiss and his smile making the butterflies in my tummy explode into a mess. He tucked on his hoodie and leaned into my ear.

“I am sure you look even better without my hoodie on.”

I giggled loudly, his hand getting lost on the inside of my hoodie. Grasping on my bra and massaging it softly. My world turning in circles and the music still playing on the highest volume from the speakers, somewhere in the grass.

“I want you, now.” I said, looking down to him. I took off my hoodie and threw it next to Jisung beneath me. His hands still on me, my hair falling down to the side of his face. I was needy and what could feed this hunger was him.

“If your brother could see his little girl…” he smiled at my face being some small inches in front of his. the taste of the marijuana in my mouth mixed with the strong vodka and whiskey was driving me into the dumbest things.

I kissed his soft lips, touching them a little and his tongue rolling with mine. He tasted like danger and everything forbidden for me, giving me a thrill of my life. I continued to go down his neck, sucking the best I could making it hard due to the lack of energy.

“You’re doing great, little one.” He moaned when I once reached his hard and perky abs, leaving a trail of bruises and hickeys all the way down here. He groaned once I unlocked his belt and pushed his jeans down to his boxers. The outline of his dick was hardly poking out, getting me to an idea of my first blowjob ever.

I pulled the off and there he was, poking at me. The hard and red tip, cum dripping on them slightly. I took him in my hands, carefully pumping him. His eyes following my actions his whines and stares telling me to put him in my mouth, I couldn’t get him all in, him laughing at me trying my hardest to deepthroat.

“Your little mouth is amazing.” He mumbled with his eyes closed tightly, his hands getting lost in my hair. Moans and grunts getting me wetter and wetter. I couldn’t breathe and with my mouth being filled up completely, my eyes turning to the back of my head.

I backed up and took some time to breathe, a string of saliva connecting my lips with his wet and throbbing dick. He pushed his hair back, his hand still on my head, grabbing and pulling at it hardly. I choked lightly on his pressure on my head, pushing me down and forcefully getting me down. After some seconds of complete silence he let go and a broken groan echoed through my dizzy head.

“Uh fuck, how can this small mouth get all that in?” He smiled looking down at me with his lazy eyes on the string of saliva connecting his tip to my lips. I started to laugh out, the feeling of a dick in my mouth reminding me of a Popsicle. He laughed as well, this whole scenario being unbelievable. It was deep dark outside, the only light being the lanterns of the side street and the moon, shining out heavily. The wheat among us, the music that still played beside us.

He suddenly stopped giggling immediately and closed his eyes. His head was thrown to the ground and he held my head in his hands, still thrusting into my mouth hardly.

“Wh-Where can I c-cum?” He stuttered and I just continued to bop my head down his length, feeling every inch in my mouth, I choked a little on the twitch of his cock. “Fuuuck.” He groaned loud through the hard beats of the music. I felt his dick twitch again in my throat and as I moaned the vibrations got him to spill his load into my mouth. The warm liquid running through my throat, I choked once again and the shivers went down my spine mercilessly.

“Ah fuck.” He tried to collect his breath, moaning more curse words. I still sucked at the tip and popped him out of my mouth, his seeds running down my lips. I looked up at his brown eyes, stars above us reflecting in them. He had the warmest and softest expression on his face, starring down at my cum filled mouth, trying my hardest to swallow everything.

“Now it’s your turn, princess.”