#i spent too much time writing this up

[nixiemcretro]

GAHT Blood Test Results February 2024

A few milestones have been achieved this month. I’ve reached my third month of gender affirming hormone therapy (GAHT) and was able to get an estradiol implant (200mg, compounded). I kicked pregabalin as it wasn’t helping with my anxiety symptoms – but was helping with sleep… I also ceased indometacin successfully. Hemicrania continua is not being so continua now.

My phosphates, calcium and ALT levels. Ahhh yes. Let’s start with the ALT. My ALT was easy to fix, cease indometacin. I also took some milk thistle to help keep the old liver in tip top shape – with interesting consequences. I’ll circle back to this one later!

Phosphates and calcium, I do wonder if this is actually a bad thing to have lower numbers on these. A ionised calcium test was ordered and found to be in range, but so were my other calcium stats – this time. I’d only changed my calcium vitamin to a non-plant-based formula as I don’t get much calcium from milk. i.e. I don’t drink milk. End result – calcium levels are OK for now.

Now phosphates are in everything, it should be difficult to ingest this in low amounts. Thankfully, I have a good history owing to low blood iron and phosphate levels were ordered as a complementary test most of the time. Using this data we can see that I tend to be on the lower side of things. But since starting GAHT, record new lows. Some potential answers could be here and here.

My theory is either my spirulina (cyanobacteria) infused multivitamin is causing lowered calcium and phosphate levels leading to improved bone density. This could perhaps explain the historically lower phosphate levels as I’ve taken this particular multivitamin for a few years now. Then we have this (potato) gem from the second article.

Estrogen therapy (ET) is associated with lower serum calcium and phosphorus concentrations and is known to increase bone mineral density (BMD).

Estrogen and progesterone are very good at not causing osteoporosis. Menopause is a great example of what happens when hormones are absent and why hormone replacement therapy exists for older assigned female at birth (AFAB) people. This puts my mind at ease and we’ll be rechecking in three months.

Oh iron, sweet, sweet iron. I mean each blood test takes five vials of blood? I’ve given up on blood donations so we can rule that one out and it’s nothing cancer-related so… diet? To keep my ferritin (iron stores) up I’ll be taking 210 mg of elemental iron every other morning one hour before food. This maximises absorption as hepcidin, the enzyme that tells the iron to stay or go, is still sleepy.

Of course vitamin C can override this too if daily dosing was needed. As my levels haven’t reached critical yet, and I don’t enjoy the undesirable GI side effects of iron therapy, every other day gives me roughly half the issues! 😅

Onto hormones! Errrrr… why did prolactin double and zip outside the reference range in the space of two months. The GP wasn’t sure why and the endocrinologist said it’s not an issue unless it’s triple that number. I had a peek into some literature and pregnant women can have this level between 1000 and 8000 mIU/L. Remembering that pregnant women are not going to have those levels forever.

So what caused mine to spike? I believe it might have been the milk thistle I was taking to fix that pesky liver up from the indometacin damage. Information here, here and here. This has been ceased now so it should drop back within the reference range next blood test. Hold up, I was just reading this again.

In animals, milk thistle has been shown to stimulate bone mineralization. However, how it affects humans is currently unknown.

Hmmm, I wonder if my calcium and phosphate levels will also increase on next blood test without milk thistle supplementation. Something to look forward to as I was only on milk thistle for two weeks.

Ahh yes traditional sex hormones. One of the more interesting to look analyse. Keep in mind that all my blood tests are done in the trough – which should indicate the lowest concentrations.

On 6 mg oral estradiol valerate (2 mg thrice daily) and estradiol gel (Sandrena brand estradiol 0.1% gel 1g sachets twice daily) I scored a lovely 764 pmol/L. Previously with pill therapy (6 mg) it came in at 364 pmol/L. So a decent jump for just a bit of gel. Good result, so good in fact, I now I have two pellet implants (100mg each) in my left buttock for 200 mg of estradiol. It will be interesting to see how that stabilises over the next three months as they can fluctuate a bit early on.

On the progesterone (P4) front, folks tend to take it after being on estradiol for around 12 months. My endocrinologist doesn’t see any issue with starting it earlier. In AFAB puberty, estradiol peaks before progesterone even appears on the scene. Then again I am not exactly AFAB, so past performance may not be indicative of future performance.

For me, I see progesterone a counterweight against what is intended to be high-dose estrogen. With progesterone in the mix my skin is less dry which was one of my biggest gripes about estrogen monotherapy.

At least one of the metabolites produced, allopregnanolone, is a neurosteroid that acts on the GABAnergic system when taken orally – in a good way, I think. Interestingly enough in a similar way to alcohol, benzodiazepines and even to a lesser degree, pregabalin. Lesser degree in that pregabalin doesn’t touch the GABA receptors themselves, and instead mess with other systems that have a flow on effect to the GABAnergic system.

Oh I could ramble on for days about this sort of thing. Let’s look at the level itself. 9.1 nmol/L. Alright, that’s in the trough still so that’s quite good. Last dose would have been 12 hours ago. It puts me somewhere between pre-ovulation and mid-cycle. I have since doubled the dose on my endocrinologists recommendation.

There are other routes of administration (ROA) for progesterone, butt (ha!), my current compounded powder (200mg twice daily) is not compatible. I would need to purchase the non-compounded version to do that, and it’s not on my radar at this point in time as it is quite expensive.

Converting my 9.1 nmol/L to a US-friendly unit of 2.6 ng/mL helps locate where I am on these charts, you can see where I fit in. You’ll also maybe note that progesterone via the rectal ROA results in markedly different levels of progesterone, allopregnanolone and pregnanolone.

Which leads us onto finasteride which is a 5-alpha reductase inhibitor (5ARI). It stops this particular enzyme (5-alpha reductase) from doing what it wants to do. This is primarily used to stop testosterone (T) conversion to Dihydrotestosterone (DHT).

For assigned male at birth (AMAB) people, DHT gives you the gift of male pattern baldness provided you have the correct set of genes. As a transgender woman, I don’t really want to be bald if I can avoid it. So I started taking finasteride early on. However progesterone and finasteride both inhibit the 5-alpha reductase enzyme. And the finasteride, as it turns out affects a little more than just the 5AR enzyme.

Remember our little friend allopregnanolone from earlier? Blocked. What about isopregnanolone. Blocked. Finasteride is really quite a dirty drug with lots of off-target activity.

I’ve deemed it as unnecessary for the same reason I don’t take any testosterone blockers, such as cyproterone acetate or spironolactone. We’re going for estrogen dominance here. Women do have testosterone, but it isn’t the dominant sex hormone.

It is unclear if there is any added benefit to taking one of these medicines once your testosterone levels have been reduced into the female range through the use of other blockers.

The science behind it all is always a work in progress. But for now let’s keep that key phrase – estrogen dominance; the female hormone range, at the front of our minds.

If the presence of DHT makes male pattern baldness progress… what happens once I cease finasteride, will it also resume? Well, that’s where the next set of blood results come in.

Oh there it is, estrogen dominance achieved! Testosterone levels in AFAB have a reference range of less than 2.0 nmol/L (pre-menopause). And there I am sitting pretty at 1.1 nmol/L. My sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG) is heading up and up. I can’t find the document I had, I am sure it said above 115 nmol/L can result in estrogens being bound. In lieu of that article, from Wikipedia.

The relative binding affinity of various sex steroids for SHBG is dihydrotestosterone (DHT) > testosterone > androstenediol > estradiol > estrone. DHT binds to SHBG with about 5 times the affinity of testosterone and about 20 times the affinity of estradiol.

So having a high SHBG level is a good thing, the higher the better. Bind all the sex hormones so they can’t be used – male ones are lost first, then the female ones. That means goodbye any DHT generated by the mere 1.1 nmol/L of T.

The calculated free testosterone being below 25 pmol/L is also a great sign things are heading in the right direction. This is why testosterone blocking isn’t required for me. I really do enjoy delving into this sort of data and getting a better understanding of what it all means. So that’s it for now. I look forward to my next set of results sometime in May. 🙃

https://mcretro.net/blood-test-results-february-2024/

[rendevok]

“Take my hand” pages 5-11

1 - day 2 - truth - 3

[genericpuff]

vent post

[red-dead-sakharine]

A story told with gifs (or something)

It has been proposed that Raphael might have a soul like mortals do. So let me set the scene:

You gave Raphael the crown, he went on his little war, but eventually Asmodeus had enough and snapped his neck.

To his own surprise, he (his soul) wakes up in the Fugue plane.

He has no god to claim him, to bring him onto greener pastures. He will not take a deal with any devil - how dare they even ask him! He is trapped here. A lost soul, doomed to wander the fugue plane forever.

Alone and abandoned, he has a lot of time to reflect. A lot of time for regret. To mourn his life, to curse his own mistakes. To think of all the things he could've done different. His own hubris. Raphael's folly.

But at some point - he has no way of telling how much time has passed, but it feels like an eternity - there is something tugging on his soul. An invitation. A call to answer. To come back. To return. He feels... hope. He hesitates at first. But whoever is pulling on his soul, and why ever they do it - whatever they want with him, can hardly be worse than this eternal, maddening, desolate solitude. He is ready to leave this place. His soul is willing.

Pain. Hot. Cold. There's a ringing in his ears. Everything is dark for a moment, then blinding bright. Then... he lives. He needs a moment to take his bearings. How long has he been gone? Who brought him back? As he catches his breath, he spots a pair of boots; his gaze follows them upward - there's a scroll held tightly in a hand, it's magical properties gone, the parchments starts to crumble.

Finally his eyes meet those of his saviour. His little mouse.

Prequel

[freetobeafcknriot]

🌙 * ―　silly little unique trivia about your otp．❫

who fell first, and who fell harder?

their hypothetical godly parents (or a deity they could embody in a mythological setting).

soldiers, poets, or kings?

the olive theory according to them (and their palate).

who's the ‘good old-fashioned lover boy’, and who's the ‘killer-queen’?

go-to pet names they have for each other, if any.

what are their star signs? (i know nothing about astrology, but it's funky so out with it!)

their sexual orientations and/or gender identities.

soulmates by fate/chance or by choice?

their hypothetical hogwarts houses, either traditionally speaking, so to say, or following the sortinghatchats method. (alternatively, if you'd rather: their alignment by dnd standards).

who's more likely to do stupid, impulsive, or random stuff, and who's there being like, ‘regrettably, that's the love of my life’?

one to three songs that remind you of them.

who's the “tell me i'm pretty” one, and who's the “you're pretty fucking annoying is what you are” in the relationship?

their love languages.

sun, moon, stars, earth, or eclipse?

three to five non-sexual acts of intimacy.

who's the “i could beat the shit out of you” one, and who's the “i know” one?

one to three other ships from other pieces of media that may remind you of them.

who's the dog person, and who's the cat person? (other pets or animals may also apply.)

their absolute favourite thing about each other in the whole wide world.

do they ever match in any way?

their own little way (or ways) to say ‘i love you’.

who's the “i wouldn't marry myself either” one, and who's the “i would marry you with parer rings” one? (alternatively: i'd marry you with paper rings vs. i'm rich. i'll get you a diamond)?

coffee or tea?

one to five tropes they embody or could pull off in an AU.

[puhpandas]

I love ggy so much how did they accidentally make the most intriguing hypothetical gay romance ever

[uter-us]

radfem help !!

2 of my little cousins (14yrs and 15yrs) are both girls dating boys right now, and together we are coming up with a "dealbreaker list" of things they will never put up with from their bfs! and also we are including positives, like so they aren't just looking for the absence of bad things, but actual positive things

what do yall think are the most important things to add? (i put extra info in tags)

Thank you so much!!!

[thedrotter]

Re:Kinder Fun Facts of the day☺️!!! Have you ever wondered who talks the most from the main cast in Re:Kinder?? Well, I did😊. Today I'll be answering this question with some graphs and as a bonus telling you what words each character uses the most! I will warn you, this will be a bit long and I don't know how to be less verbose so, yeah!!!

First, I've made some basic rules as to what I counted regarding how much the characters speak. Not all lines really count as speaking, after all.

Any of the incoherent screaming lines don't count. There's a lot of screaming since the characters die a lot (as expected for a horror RPG game), but I don't really count that as speaking unless they're saying proper words. In that same vein, I didn't really count any of the panting or sniffing and such that are conveyed through words. Again, I don't really see that as a character actively speaking their thoughts!

If I cannot tell who a line belongs to, I will not give it to anyone. This happens for certain lines, so I felt this rule was important.

I won't be counting repetitions of the same line if it's on a variation of the same scene. This may sound a bit strange, but when a character dies, the game goes on to the same next scene it would regardless (unless the scene that follows it is an ending), with variations and new lines here and there to account for the dead character, but a lot will be reused and placed in the exact same beats it normally would have been in originally. So, this rule is here for that. Oh, and also the scenes with bits of Yuuichi's backstory that appear in Shunsuke's head won't be counted twice, because some appear twice line by line.

Of course, the "..." lines won't count. I am so sorry Aya!!!!😞

Now that the ground rules have been set, there's just one thing I want to mention. Though I will count all the total lines for Takumi and Yuuichi like any other character, I just want to mention that first I will have two separate counts for them! Takumi | Takumiel and Yuuichi | Yuuichi's Heart respectively.

Takumiel is separate because I was curious about how much Takumi spoke as an archangel compared to when he was alive. Yuuichi's Heart is because he speaks so much he feels notable enough to be given his own division, even if he and Yuuichi at the end of the day are one person

(I count the silly mind telepathy where Shunsuke is being directly spoken to [and being told things normal Yuu would avoid saying at that point] and the comical theater as Yuuichi's Heart. I clarify in case one assumes he only starts being counted the moment he's directly labelled as Yuuichi's Heart. Any line that can't be distinguished between Yuuichi's Heart and Yuuichi will be given to Yuuichi by default.)

With nothing else to be clarified let's get to the numbers!!!😊😊

First, the line counts with Takumiel and Yuuichi's Heart counted individually!! Here are the rankings:

Shunsuke (With a lead of 535 lines over second place!!)

Yuuichi

Rei

Yuuichi's Heart

Hiroto

Ryou

Sayaka

Aya

Takumi

Takumiel

You may be thinking— woah, does Shunsuke really speak that much?! You could say that, for a good chunk of those lines are from how he describes interactable points around the map and his inner thoughts, so they aren't all exactly said out loud. The benefit of being the protagonist, I suppose ww

Funny enough, Yuuichi's Heart has almost as many lines as Yuuichi does for not having that much time in the game, being on the higher end between the characters that don't get the benefit of being a protagonist (lol)!

Admittedly I had expected for Rei and Hiroto to have a more similar amount of lines given their nearly equal amount of presence, but for what it is Rei surpassed Hiroto by 51 lines! I also had expected for Takumiel to speak a little bit more than Takumi but turns out the opposite is true.

While the lack of lines of Takumi and Takumiel are to be expected due to their short time on the game, what stands out is Aya not even reaching triple digits between her other peers who are in there for most of the game. This is because a good chunk of Aya's lines in game are silence!^^" And thus weren't counted. If ellipses were a word, she surely would have reached triple digits, but unfortunately they're not.

Now the line count with combined sums of Takumi | Takumiel and Yuuichi | Yuuichi's Heart!!!

In here, the ranking isn't affected, with Yuuichi remaining second place and Takumi being last place. But the disparity of everyone's numbers compared to Takumi's feels a bit more clear to see when Takumiel isn't individually counted.

With Yuuichi's line counts combined, Shunsuke remains 318 lines ahead of him, but it also means Yuuichi has a 59% the amount of Shunsuke's lines; and impressive feat for someone who doesn't get the benefit of being the point of view for everything you press... Although he does also have an upper hand over everyone by essentially being the plot of this game ww

But maybe line counts do not suffice to tell how much a character speaks. Yes, Shunsuke has a bunch of lines from everything he interacts with, but is it really reliable to say he speaks all that much in all those lines? A good chunk of those could easily have 3 words each! So with this in mind, let's do a word count.

Even in a word count, Shunsuke has the lead, having a lead of 2,247 words over second place. But we'll see about that when we combine Yuuichi's numbers. Anyway, here's the ranking!

Shunsuke

Yuuichi's Heart

Yuuichi

Rei

Hiroto

Ryou

Sayaka

Aya

Takumi

Takumiel

This time, Yuuichi's Heart is the one at second place!!! It's pretty funny that he speaks more than his physical counterpart ww. I genuinely didnt think he'd out yap himself that way when I chose to count for him individually 😭!!! He has a lead of 63 words over himself, but a lead nonetheless.

In here, Rei and Hiroto are more even than in the line counts, with the difference seeming more minimal when put into words. But it also showcases that despite Rei having more lines than Yuuichi's Heart in the line count, those only get to have a bit over half of the amount of words he talks (To be fair he does get to infodump a lot in his section of the game).

And here's the combined word count!!! Suddenly Shunsuke's lead is only by a mere 55 words! So Yuuichi speaks about as much as he does with 318 less lines.

I must admit that I genuinely did not expect it to be that close. When I chose to count the lines for when you interact with things for Shunsuke, I thought he was granted to speak an absurd amount more than anyone else. But turns out that Yuuichi speaks about the same amount out loud when most of Shunsuke's are his own thoughts ww. But it does make sense! He is still the plot of this game.

So, after all those charts, here's the average/middle point of lines and words for characters to have, because why not, it's fun.

Average Line Count (YH and Takumiel counted individually): 197 lines

Average Line Count (When combined): 247 lines

Average Word Count (YH and Takumiel counted individually): 1,333 words

Average Word Count (When combined): 1,666 words

So there it is. That's how much the characters in Re:Kinder speak!

But wait!!! I am not done. I will share with you an additional fun fact... Did you ever want to know what word each of these characters said the most?! This one will be quicker, I do promise.

When it came to counting these words I did not count stop words, that being common words that are used all the time by everyone in English. "I, you, me, the, to, a, my, your, yes, no"... Words like that! Otherwise everyone would have one of those as their most said word and it'd be rather boring to look at. With that said, here are the words these characters say the most!

Shunsuke: Yuuichi - said 40 times! (this genuinely confused me so much im sorry he uses interjections so much I had expected it to be something like "huh" or "um" but no i dont know how this passed by me as i was rounding up all the lines he says or proofreading or writing all of those lines WHAT?!?! its been two days and it still takes me out)

Ryou: Shunsuke - Said 14 times

Sayaka: Murderer - Said 7 times (All in one sentence!)

Takumi | Takumiel (counted in one for how little he speaks.): Takumiel - Said 3 times (That name is so important, he said it thrice.)

Aya: Sorry - Said 5 times

Rei: Hell, gonna, look, Yuuchi - said 8 times (Most of the repeated words she says are stop words for she doesn't tend to speak about the same things repeatedly.)

Hiroto: Shunsuke - Said 17 times

Yuuichi (separate from YH): Problem - Said 17 times

Yuuichi's Heart: Mama - Said 24 times

Yuuichi (Overall): Mama - Said 31 times

So that is finally it. That is the fun fact of today.😊😊 Use this to woe your friends at parties!!!

I am aware Mami speaks about enough to be counted in, but this is pretty time consuming to do and I'm not sure anyone is invested on her enough to count her in. But if there's enough curiosity regarding that, I'll try counting her in. But for now this suffices.☺️ Thanks for reading!

[jichanxo]

sooooo... *twirls her hair* how many asks should i send until kuwagami art. jk as well. the real question will be: does it happen often that someone else’s art inspires you? in fandom spaces specifically

well you see it’s like a loyalty card program, every 10 asks or so you get a complimentary kuwagami

just kidding you can just breathe in my direction and I’ll be tempted to draw them. kuwagami blast! (you've caught me on a... just okay art day lol)

(people still like kabedons, right?)

anyway for my actual answer: in terms of direct inspiration, it doesn't really happen much? the last two times i did art directly based on someone else's work is probably this one from this fic, and also that time i drew art of someone else's judgment au. oh! and there's that moriohpsycho art based on this comic! (filthyguts' work is so very. hgngngghh. very good.) nothing else really comes to mind, and when i think of the other things i've been into recently there hasn't been as much opportunity for that to happen...

flex and herds = strong fixation but lmao. almost nobody else made stuff about them. nobody is surprised umineko = surprisingly i don't read much umineko fanfiction? and in terms of illustration, i certainly picked up imagery and indirect inspiration but nothing concrete enough for me to give an example... now that i think about it, i did once draw andromalius from redaction/sunny, but that was years ago, and also mostly because i was acquainted with the writer. ...i don't have that artwork on hand right now death note = didn't really get involved with the fandom + i enjoyed my own ideas well enough! ...i can't recall if i drew long-hair-L art before or after seeing other artists do it. and as for everything else the same kind of reasoning applies. didn't really get involved with the fandom or wasn't really compelled to make art in response to stuff i saw, or i just don't remember anymore.

buuuuuuut if we're opening this up to just... pulling ideas from other people? then yeah, all the time, though that kind of goes without saying when you have a creative hobby. ...it's probably going to be hard to come up with examples of this since it's more ambiguous.

there's uhhhhhh... kuwana listens to nickelback which was a @/four-white-trees invention, wasn't it? (EDIT: and @/overdevelopedglasses!) (not tagging in this post so he doesn't feel obligated to read my big ass ask responses 💀) as of writing this, it's not posted but i did end up making kuwagami art based on a nickelback song so. yknow. there's that LMAO

for sawashiro and arakawa, i do sometimes go reference @/todayisafridaynight 's art to help me with my own. ("how did he draw this part of the suit? oh, like that huh? hmm" <- this kind of thing)

and um. i'm not trying to pander to you (at least not this time), but genuinely it's one of the few examples that come to mind at this moment. but when i was writing my first kuwagami fic, i could feel the influence of the ever-changing on my brain... was turning over some of your ideas there...

you remember this? (you even pointed it out in your comment on my fic, and i should've said something then, but whatever i'm saying it now)

that was absolutely because of this

(obligatory poke at anybody else reading this post that you can read passthroughtime's fic here.)

so, um. yeah. not really sure what else to add to that. pretty self evident i think. (i'm always talking about the ever-changing but i don't think i can overstate the impression it left on me at the time)

anyhow there aren't really any other examples off the top of my head! these are all recent examples so they're not so difficult to recall, but there are probably others i've forgotten...

[i-wiggle-i-squirm-bc-i-am-a-worm]

Unnecessary discussion about Chat Noir and the Drums

There’s something I love so much about Chat playing the drums in Horrificator. This is something that’s been on my mind since I was 13, so hold on here.

First, obviously, Adrien also plays the piano - which obviously still has a lot of meaning!! - I’m not here to diss on the piano, there’s a lot of freedom of expression in every instrument type and music expression in general, but there’s a reason why some people are more inclined to different instruments, and I think there���s a lot more to it than just sound, but feeling as well. The role you play. How it feels to play it alone vs. playing it with others, if it’s typically something that you can play alone vs. in a group.

So first, the piano, and how I think it relates to Adrien’s character, plus how it relates to those points.

The piano, let’s be real, is something that a lot of us were forced to take lessons for at some point. It’s something that has ties to high society (there’s a HUGE discussion and so much more to say about that, but let’s not go there) and honestly?? I think it works pretty well with symbolizing the obsession with perfection that Gabriel shoves onto him. I’ve known many piano players, and while some genuinely loved playing it, it was always easier to somehow stumble onto someone with a deep hatred for it after being forced into lessons. Whenever I asked them why they hated it, I got almost the same answer every time: “I need to be perfect.” (Along with people saying that they were forced to lol)

Then there’s the role you play. You can play with people in a band, an orchestra, as an accompanist, a duet, at a bar with a bunch of people singing - whatever - music has many forms, and many different connections. But the piano is something you can play solo, no need for anyone else. It isn’t what you can do with other people that I’m focusing on for this, it’s the fact that you don’t need anyone. You can play alone, and it’ll still be fine. You can be alone, and you’re still fine - perfect even - which is something that Gabriel shoves down his throat, resistant to him playing with his friends by touching on this ideology.

Which is a glimpse into how he sees Adrien, and how Adrien experiences life. He can be alone, in fact he’s more perfect when he’s alone. And when other people are added, the attention to his perfection is taken away bit by bit, until he’s not good enough. He has to play solo in concert halls, on stage for everyone to watch, not in the back of a bar, playing with his friends.

Alright, so now we move to Chat Noir and the drums. The main play of this fake essay. 

It would be so easy to just ignore everything and just go “haha, he’s the energetic one, so ofc Ladybug gave him the drums! And they’re an easy instrument to play, etc.” but that’s far from the truth.

Ok, so I’m not a drum player or percussionist in any way, but I am a bass player, and genuinely love the drums so much because they’re incredibly important, and here’s my cheesy analogy: the drums are the heart of the band, keeping everyone on beat, it’s what you feel at the centre of it all. The band is nothing without the drums, without the percussion (The bass is what connects the band to the beat of the drums, kinda like the blood vessels, but sadly this ain’t about bass).  Like do you know how easy it is for a band to fall apart if they don’t have a drummer??? You need a drummer. You literally can’t survive without a drummer, because even if you manage to work together, use the bass as a backing, whatever you try, there’s still not much of a heart left.

But besides that, do you know how hard it is to play the drums??? You can’t just throw someone crazy, or energetic there just because “crazy drummers lol” you need someone who listens. Who can set the beat. Someone you can rely on, because they are the person in control, even if they aren’t as flashy as the guitar player. Reliable is the word that comes to mind. The drums can make or break a band.

And wanna know who that reminds me of?

Yeah. I highly doubt that the writers put this much thought into a random five second scene in an episode of season one, but it fits with Chat Noir SO well. 

Unlike the piano, the drums are almost solely played in a group setting - you need other people, and other people need you - he needs other people in his life, his friends are needed, but they also need him. Ladybug needs him, along with all the other heroes in Paris, whether he sees it or not. He seems to get in a state of thinking he’s not needed, but i do really think he’s the emotional glue that keeps the team connected, the heart that keeps them beating. If he’s isolated, he can’t quite reach his full potential that he can when he’s allowed to be around others, just like they can’t reach their own without him.

But on top of that, I think the stereotypes of the drums actually works in his favour for the next part. 

Breaking free from his dad, and being his own person, letting that fame go and embracing what he wants... well, to some that would look stupid. 

Relating it to music, the piano is flashy, you can play it solo, it sounds impressive, looks impressive, and people won’t think you’re just hitting pots and pans in the garage when you say you play it. But the drums are underestimated, a lot of people think you don’t need much practice, that they’re just the guys who sit at the back of the stage, not doing much, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Just like Adrien finally being who he wants wouldn’t be stupid, it could never be stupid, but there’s a stigma. But letting go of his flashy, solo life, and being the heart of his friend group is something that I think makes him truly happy as Chat Noir, and hopefully he gets to be like that as Adrien too.

Like Plagg said, Chat Noir and Adrien are both the real him, and I think the drums capture that perfectly. The heart and freedom, the meticulousness (rather than perfection) and steadiness, those are good qualities of a drummer.

I dunno, I just think it fits.

(sdfghjklkjhgf again I should state that acoustic versions of songs exist, and you can play songs without a drum and it sounds fantastic, but I’m not going into that today. Just talking generalization, and playing in a group setting). 

[quaranmine]

random firewatch au detail that has basically no impact on the story unless you want to psychoanalyze fw!grian even further than i did as the author, but it's very intentional that i always refer to both of mumbo's parents but only grian's mom. did i give him daddy issues? i guess so, but not in a way where i really deeply examined the implications as meaningful to the story. it was just a detail i stuck with from the beginning as a way to keep fleshing out the story's background subtly. the idea behind grian's dual citizenship was always that he was born in america to an american dad and british mom, and that his mom moved back to the UK when he was very young since she wanted to be closer to her family. perhaps his dad didn't go with them? or perhaps his dad did, and then later they split and he went back to america? whatever the cause, grian never even mentions his dad in the story, and it wasn't because i intended him to be dead (because that would have come up in a story about grief) if you get me

[bagheerita]

Gotta know what "Long Forgotten Light at the end of the World" is because that title SLAPS

Doesn't it though??? ❤️❤️❤️ 

"Long Forgotten Light at the End of the World" is my John/Todd historical AU, because I an utterly obsessed with historical AUs, and none of the SGA ones that I can find have Wraith characters. 

@aintgonnatakethis asked me about this one too, so click here for more rambling about the premise/backstory and a few pages from chapter 1, which tells what Todd's up to.

Or read below the cut for 4 more pages, now from chapter 2, introducing Sheppard (& Co)!! 

The winter day was dreary and overcast as John Sheppard walked down Queen's Boulevard. The weather rather suited his mood, as his morning business had not developed in the way he had wished and bright sunshine would have felt like salt in the wound. He ducked his head against the bustle of the street, and tried to ignore the Wraith passing him in carriages. In the day to day of his life in the army he could at least pretend that he and his fellow soldiers fought for reasons that had nothing to do with the Wraith or their Queen. But that had been stripped from him, and it was the Wraith’s fault.

He walked quickly to his destination and was at the turn onto Gold Street before he had time to truly stew on the subject of his misfortune. Which was all to the good, as Teyla possessed an absolutely prescient ability to know when his thoughts had strayed to darker topics, and he hated to bear her looks of disappointment after she had been so generous with him. 

Three houses down Gold Street was the Miller's, and he mounted the broad steps with easy familiarity. While not in the best area of town, finding better accommodations would have required calling on Colonel Caldwell, or- even worse- his brother David. Either would have come with certain obligations that John was not eager to engage; he would have felt further indebted to the Colonel who had already done too much for him, and an appeal to David, to his family, would have meant submitting to yet more scorn concerning his discharge and the determining of a course for his future that he knew could only be filled with unhappiness. Teyla's knowing looks were easier to bear and her aspirations for his future were, if often frustrating, more welcome. He thought her of a better moral fiber than his family in any case, and worth aspiring to please. And his other housemates were also of a company much to be preferred.

John opened the front door and stepped inside. The foyer was lit from high windows in the rear wall which let light fall in, over the staircase that led to the upper floors, and down to the doorway. When the weather was overcast, as it often was, the arrangement lent a somber, mysterious aura to the space, which Teyla felt was good for business. The dark alcove below the staircase, from which Ronon insisted on watching the door, was currently brightly lit by an oil lamp situated on the corner of Ronon's desk. The desk was a huge block affair, an old partner's desk he'd salvaged from some bankers and had dragged into the front corner, where he often sat sharpening knives. After he'd frightened too many visitors this way, Teyla had insisted on the expense of the lamp if he was going to have his knives out. John didn't think a single oil lamp illuminating a six foot man with wild hair and a desk full of knives, and with Ronon's piercing glare, was any more comforting of a greeting than dimness and the sound of a blade against leather, but then it hadn't been his decision. 

The lamp was burning cheerily today, the light glinting off the lace-hooks of his boots where they were perched on the corner of the desk as Ronon looked up with his usual glare. He grunted, his expression softening when he saw it was John. 

His sharp-eyed gaze glittered as much as the knife's edge he was honing. The light of the lamp also caught the alabaster of his waistcoat buttons; a coat was nowhere in evidence, but that was not unusual as Ronon thought them overly formal and an encumbrance. "How did it go?" he asked.

John grunted in his own turn. "It didn’t. As you predicted." He took off his hat and overcoat. 

Ronon's responding grunt took on a flavor of self righteousness. 

John rubbed a hand through his hair. "I know. You were right." He sighed.  "I thought-" He shook his head. "It doesn't matter." 

Ronon swung his long legs down from where they were draped over the desk. "You wanted to do something for Teyla," he observed. "Help her with the business."

John flushed. It was true, and he'd too often had his sentiment used against him; having it remarked upon at all made him defensive. 

But Ronon was not like the stone-faced generals who'd sat in judgment of him, and even less like the wild-eyed Wraith who were the reason he'd lost everything in the first place. Ronon had also been a beneficiary of Teyla's generosity, and knew the urge she inspired, to treat others in kind. 

"It seemed the least I could do," John allowed. 

Ronon nodded, like the feeling was perfectly understandable, but said, "I think she'd rather have had you here." 

John laughed without amusement, but couldn't hold back a genuine smile. "I do believe you're right." He wasn't comfortable with his newly discovered abilities and usually attempted to avoid her requests for his assistance in matters of that nature, though if she'd been seeking him this morning his ability to evade her had been a happy accident.

Ronon leaned back, watching him for a moment, then nodded. He directed a long look up the staircase and added, "She's been having trouble with McKay." 

Taken off guard, John laughed more easily. "Ahh, I see, I'm valued as a mediator." 

Ronon grunted, though it was a fond sound. "He's had a letter from the Scot, sent him into a whole fit. He's been burning things all day. She just got him to stop half a mark ago or you'd have smelt it the minute you walked in." 

John sighed. Rodney McKay owned the building and had been generous enough to not only give Teyla space for her business dealings but to allow Teyla and her foundlings, as Rodney called them, to take rooms there. Since the arrangement had begun, John had learned that McKay wasn't the easiest individual to live with, which made his generosity make more sense; engaging boarders in the usual manner in an environment where one periodically exploded, burned, dissected, and otherwise tested the bounds of the physical properties of objects would definitely not have been an easy prospect, even without considering how the neighborhood had fallen into disrepute in the last century. Though as he turned to mount the stairs, John chided himself for the thought. Rodney had a very generous spirit, however much it was often buried under an acerbic tongue and self-interested mien.

He heard the front door open behind him, and paused at the turning of the stairs to see who it was. Teyla's clients were their only usual visitors; that and the post boy whipping back and forth to deliver Beckett's and McKay's correspondence, though if Rodney had recently had a letter it couldn't be that. 

It was a pair of young women. The first one was a honey blonde with a determined expression in her blue eyes. John was thrice removed from knowing the intimacies of current fashion- by profession, inclination, and having been shunned by his family and thus the ton- but he recognized the woman's gown as fashionable; the opulence of the mantua style combined with its simplicity had made it popular with young women who preferred needing less assistance in getting in and out of their clothing, a good ten years ago. It was a dress that had cost some money, even if it wasn't current: either she was the daughter of a noble family, or she was employed by a Wraith. Something about her made him want to guess the latter, though most Wraith had little interest in beautiful young women. 

John was somewhat shocked to realize he knew the second woman. Lieutenant Laura Cadman was wearing the formal uniform of an active duty member of Her Majesty's Royal Corp. Female members, only allowed since the Wraith descended at the turn of the last century, were given uniforms that preserved their modesty: a long skirt, wool in the current climate, and a high necked bodice with sleeves past the elbow; a compromise between the ton that the Wraith had allowed to remain and the Queen's proclamation that limiting access to any service on the basis of gender was absurd when all humans were equally lesser in her eyes. Cadman's uniform was deep blue, noting her as a member of the Scientific Reserve Force.

Her eyes went to him first, so John greeted her, "Lieutenant Cadman." 

"Sheppard," she replied. Her smile was thin and wry. The title she wanted to give him but couldn't perched on her lips but died unspoken. John wanted to appreciate the informality of the greeting as much as he hated the way any greeting forced the truth into the open- that he had been dismissed from the service. If not for Colonel Caldwell stepping in he'd likely be dead now, sent with the Queen's jubilee tribute, for what he'd done; or, what he'd failed to do. All in all, his gratitude and the pain evened each other out and left him feeling annoyed. "What are you doing here?" 

She cleared her throat. "Jennifer, this is Mister John Sheppard. May I present Miss Jennifer Keller."

John sighed. He should walk back down and greet them properly, but he didn't want them here. Instead, he gestured and introduced, "Ronon Dex."

Ronon looked amused by the whole undertaking and saluted them with one of his knives. The society woman, Keller, looked doubtful, but John was honestly surprised she hadn't fainted or recoiled from Ronon. 

"I'm looking for someone named Teyla," Keller said. She raised an eyebrow at John and Ronon as if she wasn't sure she'd come to the right place. 

"What for?" Ronon asked. 

"I have a friend who needs help with something," Keller answered.

John snorted at her deliberate vagueness. 

Ronon grunted. "You don't get to Teyla without telling me who gave you her name." He looked at John. "And if Sheppard knows you, then only if he says you're okay."

Keller's expression widened. "I don't know Mister Sheppard, but I was given Teyla's name by a Doctor Carson Beckett." She pulled a letter out of her handbag and held it up with one gloved hand. 

Ronon took it from her with a quick movement of fingers; John admired that she didn't even flinch as he loomed over her, though Cadman watched Ronon suspiciously. Ronon looked to Sheppard.

John sighed. "Cadman's alright," he admitted. 

She smiled. "Thanks, Shep." 

Unwillingly, John felt a grin pull at his mouth. 

"Letter's in the Scot's hand." Ronon nodded decisively. "I'll put them in the blue room. You get Teyla."

John nodded in turn, and continued up the stairs.

He knocked lightly at Teyla's door but when there was no answer he continued down the hall to Rodney's lab. 

Opening the door filled the hall with the overwhelming scent of burned ink, which had previously been faint. 

John coughed. "McKay?" The entryway was narrow, bracketed by tall bookcases, the path inside winding between them before diverging to the lab on the left and a small sitting area to the right.

"Yes, yes," Rodney said loudly. "I did it a purpose, the results have  been very informative, and I will not burn the house down." He peered out from behind a bookcase overflowing with scientific pamphlets. "Oh, Sheppard." Rodney blinked. "Have you been out?"

"Yes. I just got back."

"Ah, of course. I don't recall your presence at the height of the conflict but," he stepped out and gestured to the laboratory behind him, "I assure you, burning the papers was quite informative as to the inks' properties, and I have the delight of informing Carson that he is inaccurate in his surmising that his ink qualifies as 'invisible'." He sniffed derisively. "It's almost easier just writing in cypher. Though not as entertaining, I suppose." He grinned.

John had to grin back. "Have you seen Teyla?"

"I am here, John," she said. Her voice was patient, and laced with amusement. 

"You have visitors," he said as he peered around the stacks of shelves and found her seated comfortably on the Camelback that dominated the small sitting area, her feet tucked under her as she sipped a cup of coffee. 

"Business?" she inquired. 

John nodded. "They have a letter of introduction from Beckett."

Rodney snorted, but disappeared back into his laboratory. 

Teyla smiled. "You are finished with the experiment, correct Rodney? I'd like to warn our guests if they should expect any strange odors or sounds." 

Rodney snorted again, calling from the other room, "You know very well I'm finished and am noting my findings." He appeared in the door, scowling, but asked pleasantly enough, "How was your morning, Sheppard?" 

"Unproductive." John couldn't help adding, "I thought you hadn't remembered."

"I remembered," he said defensively. "I just forgot it was today." He frowned. "I'm sorry that it didn't pan out." He turned away suddenly, busily looking for something; John suspected it was a cover for realizing he hadn’t meant to discuss the issue in front of Teyla- she was looking down at her cup, too wise by half- but Rodney found a crumpled jacket where it had fallen behind a precarious stack of papers and frowned at it. “Give me a moment, and I’ll meet you there.”

“Are you coming down, Rodney? Splendid.” Telya smiled with real pleasure and rose to kiss his cheek.

John offered his arm and escorted her down the stairs.

[tricksterlatte]

It always makes me sad whenever stories with hopeful messages or lighthearted moments are sometimes dismissed as unintelligent or weaker than tragedies. Isn't joy and hope what makes a dark journey worthwhile? Not every story needs an unhappy ending to serve as a lesson.

I will forever be a fan of stories that say hey, maybe the world is a rough place, and it will always be this way, but you can make a difference with the people who matter to you. Even if no one else will know, even if no one else will remember, the ones you loved, and who loved you in return, will remember. People who are holding onto you, even at the end of everything else. People who remind you that new beginnings are born from the ashes.

My favorite stories will always end with love, hope, and the sun rising on the horizon after hell and high waters. The world can be so cruel, but we can choose not to be as individuals. Joy is as human as anger and sorrow. Joy is what we reach for when we are at our lowest, whether we realize it or not. We want what was lost back. I love stories where the characters reach the light at the end of the tunnel, emerge on the other side, and are allowed to heal. Even if they’ve done bad things, even if they aren’t perfect, isn’t that true of all of us?

[humanmorph]

Lye „Lyke“ Lychen as a sacrifical altar (to Aterika’Kaal) (but he's also kind of the sacrifice)

my @secret-samol gift for @bronanlynch! for the Aterika’Kaal/Lyke prompt of „what if things had gone differently and Aterika'Kaal was still with Lyke“.

notes on this under the readmore!

AU

In this scenario Lyke would succeed in getting the heart of the Motherbeast in Episode 47 and while Alaway would notice & probably still call out to Aterika’Kaal the way he presumably did in canon, Lyke would be there and get to make a compelling case to Aterika’Kaal the likes of „If you stay with me I am going to feed you. I’ve taken care of you until now, I’ll keep doing that“ (argument supported by the fact he’s currently holding the heart of an incredibly powerful dead god). Aterika’kaal agrees and they barely escape through the Sanctum of the Stone Chorus portal. I think it's fun if Lyke then stays there after the hour described in the move is over, maybe knowing he can't convince Pickman & the others that what he's done is actually good, and fine, there's not even anything to worry about he has this totally handled, But yeah he then sets out from whereever in Sangfielle Aterika'Kaals domain is (Austin did say it was an actual place somewhere), and the rest of the Blackwick Group is left to wonder what the hell happened since Lyke just vanished! Alaway has possibly fucked off too after losing the heart. And them getting fired, the Carnival of Moted Light etc. would still happen (and I guess Chine would succeed at what they were doing since Lyke isn’t there?) and who knows if they’d take any action in finding Lyke after that! All that aside though, Lyke basically offers himself to feed on (through blood and/or energy) and to sustain that he keeps consuming(not literally eating) powerful objects/artifacts/resources and possibly eventually living things (I’d imagine he'd still take work as a „please deal with this weird shit for us“ person and when he has to kill a cursed beast or whatnot... might aswell feed Aterika'Kaal?) (What also plays into that decision, and is part of Lyke justifying this to himself, is that without him, Aterika’Kaal would become too powerful. So he aims to function as kind of a conduit & control the power intake so to speak. I think this probably doesn’t work for very long.) I think this eventually goes bad for him because it’s super taxing on his body and the whole deal kind of flips with Aterika’Kaal feeding/keeping HIM alive. He starts finding bodies in the domain again (alternatively, Aterika'Kaal gets better at hiding them because it knows Lyke doesn't particulary like it when it does that). Lyke probably gets stronger due to this power/magic wise, but also way more fragile (he's constantly anemic!). („I love you. I want us both to eat well.“ - Christopher Citro) („When I write of hunger I am really writing about love and the hunger for it, and warmth and the love of it and it is all one.“ M.K. Fisher) Notes: I put some resources Lyke’s canonically had in-game + some extra stuff in this picture (the arrow is a reference to Marn’s epilogue, the bugs are bugs (with possibly sinister connotations. If you want them to have those, it’s optional) and the fur is from the Ravening Beast). Another detail I came up with I might aswell tell you because otherwise noone might ever know: the ring with the blue stone is a gift from Es. Sketch Notes: 1. Lyke turning his head to kiss a rose / exposing his neck was one of my very first ideas/sketches I made while working on this, and I liked it too much to not include it. 2. This is supposed to be Aterika'Kaal giving Lyke a blood transfusion but it rather looks like it's feeding on him instead...! I like how the relaxed pose turned out. 3. I wanted to draw something smaller in a simpler style to fill the big canvas I was drawing these on (even though now I put them in separate files anyways...). The day I drew this I saw a tweet about a medieval monks sketchbook, so I was still thinking about that. I didn't even plan to color it originally but I ended up getting invested, haha

Inspired mainly by these 3 quotes: „KEITH: I’m a walking- I am a shrine to Aterika’Kaal.“ (Sangfielle 12: The Secret Ledger of Roseroot Hall Pt. 4) „KEITH: There's a version of dealing with Aterika'Kaal that ends with Lyke being satisfied that he rehabilitated a god or at least it looks […] like what he thinks Aterika'Kaal would have been before the YVEs showed up. That's probably his main retirement path, but it also might kill him instead.” (Sangfielle 47: Wax, Iron, and Ichor Pt. 4) „AUSTIN: As you’re fading, the last thing that you do is make this blood sacrifice to Aterika’Kaal. Your own blood.“ (Sangfielle 52: Six Travelers: Lyke)

[palms-upturned]

.

[eternal-reverie]

got the posting anxiety bad tonight