#i spent 3 days straight on this even when i was filled with disease

[sparcarons]

HIYAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! *breaks an entire wall with my fist* its their month ^_^

[love-toxin]

plagas; leon.

a/n: in the midst of some writer’s block i stumbled upon an old concept i never finished. enjoy some good ol’ plaga leon <3

warnings: parasitic possession, yandere leon, female reader, violence, blood, groping, leon’s teasing is just straight up bullying, pet names, almost noncon, slight boot kink, chasing. 

word count: 1.9k

“Leon..?”

The sun had set on your terrifying journey, and cast a shadow over the room you'd found yourself trapped inside. Not by locks this time, or villagers, or Saddler himself...but by the person you had trusted throughout this entire nightmare. The man that had saved your life stood between you and your only way out, and even then, you doubted that you'd be able to escape if you managed to slip past him. The road home was so long and the stifling, smothering Spanish heat had made way for a chilling cold that breezed through your body in the night and froze you to your spot.

And Leon was gone. His mind and body had succumbed to the disease he'd been injected with, the parasite that he'd protected you from...but instead of saving you, now all you felt was panic, fear, and dread when you looked into his eyes. 

“You can’t suck the poison out of this wound, sweetheart...but I won’t stop you if you wanna give it a try.” 

Leon took slow steps around you, his footsteps echoing in the marble hall of the castle as he eyed you up like you were his prey, while his fingers spasmed and twitched at his sides, like they were itching to either grab you or wrap themselves tightly around your throat. So much had happened since he'd rescued you from the farmhouse, and reassured you with infectious confidence that everything would be okay. It felt like a lifetime that you'd known him, even if in reality you'd only spent less than a day together--but running and hiding and waiting for Leon to dispatch any threats made the hours seem so long and torturous. You prayed for his safety at every turn, and felt terror grip your heart as you waited for him to come back and retrieve you from hiding…

And now you were here.

"Saddler wants me to kill you, you're not worth the hassle to him. But to me...you're my treasure. Mine." 

The way that word rolled off his tongue sounded like an echo in your brain. He said it once before, and it stuck with you awhile--but hearing him say it now was like having it permanently seared into your head. 

It wasn’t a secret anymore. You’d fallen in love with Leon, as so many had before. You fell for his confidence, his strength, his effortless teasing and sincere concern for your safety, and maybe it was all just backed by your appreciation for him saving your life and playing the hero so well. But even if it was temporary, you were in love and you wanted him to survive just as much as he wanted to save you, and even if he succeeded and brought you home just for you to never see each other again, there would always be a part of you that loved him, and you had accepted that fact. 

But things had changed. Seeing Leon no longer filled you with relief and happiness, that smug grin on his lips as he greeted you after fighting off monsters you could only imagine in nightmares. He took a step towards you, and this time you took a huge one back--and he chuckled, his tone dark and biting, before continuing on and piercing through you with blood-coloured irises. 

"I found you, I get to keep you. Finders keepers, huh sweetheart? That's fair, isn't it?"

His gaze held nothing less than a deep, ravenous hunger within him, the unsettling smirk on his face in no way easing that tension that weighed heavily on your mind. 

“Maybe I’m just a monster, now...if I am, then so be it. If being a monster means seeing that look on your face forever, then I gotta say, it feels pretty damn good!” 

"Y-You're not Leon!"

His shoulders suddenly tensed like he was about to lunge for you, but letting him have the upper hand would mean the end for you. You knew that fact so well that you acted on instinct, and unsheathed the knife whose handle you'd been stealthily gripping this whole time, to stab it into the eye of the man you wished you could have a life with. And you missed, the realization both relieving and terrifying, as the blade clanged and stuck into the wall behind him and barely clipped a few strands of his light-coloured hair. 

"Is this my knife? Now that's pretty cute,"

A shudder violently wracked your body as Leon's tongue slipped past his lips, and he turned his head to lick a slow stripe up the gleaming, bloodstained blade. He'd ended plenty of lives with that thing, but it seemed as though his own had yet to be one of them. 

"I've played the hero long enough. I want a reward for all my hard work...I want you."

His hand crept up your waist before you could react to it, rough fingers spreading warmth through your stomach as they grazed the exposed skin of your hip. But once you tried to break away from the touch you wished you didn't crave more of, his other hand shot out to grab you by the waist and keep you pressed uncomfortably close to his body, so close that your lips were mere centimeters from his neck and breathing in gave you a good whiff of that faint scent of cologne that still lingered on his skin. 

"Don't fight me, pet. I can already hear you crying for me to use you...you know, you're so cute when you're scared."

You squirmed even still, thrashing and shoving against his chest to try and find some way to twist out of his hold--but moving him was like trying to push a brick wall, and his grip on you got tighter and tighter until you whimpered with pain. The things he was saying just didn't make any sense, and you never wanted the real Leon more than you did in this moment. Knowing what it felt like to have his strength used against you instead of to protect you...it was becoming too much to bear, and in your terror you found comfort in Leon's touch again even if it was brief, his thumbs rubbing circles into your skin and working to relax you enough that you weren't so tense. 

"You're gonna forget all about that fear when I'm balls deep inside you." 

What little comfort you found was gone once he whispered that into your ear. You felt your eyes widen and Leon's fingers worked their way under the waist of your shorts in a moment, the danger so imminent that your reaction ripped itself from your throat in a scream, and you returned to struggling against the unmistakable stiffness that dug into your inner thigh through his tight pants. 

"Leon, stop!"

You wailed, beating your fist against his chest and even catching him in the jaw, not that you really noticed in your frenzy nor did he react save for his brow furrowing in fury. It didn't last forever though, it was easy for him to use his leverage to shove you off, your back hitting the ground hard enough to sting while he loomed over you and watched with sick glee as you trembled too hard to get up. 

"You don't want me to stop. Be honest, doll." 

You weren't expecting this kind of violence from him, especially not when he brought his foot down right between your legs, as was evident by the way you shrieked and tears pricked at your eyes at once. Somehow he managed to aim the heel of his boot right at your clit, and you were certain now that it was by no way an accident by the way he ground into it in slow circles, and watched with a smirk as your hips shakily followed his rhythm of their own volition. 

"You want me to take everything from you, and I swear to you I will. I'll strip you of every inch of your pathetic life and make you mine." 

The pressure was starting to hurt, and your arms shot out to grab his calf and try in vain to wrench him off of your sensitive areas. It seemed to just entertain him, however, and his taunts were starting to sting your broken heart even more than any physical pain he had inflicted. Even worse was watching him lick his lips as he reveled in your suffering, and one of his hands descended beneath the belt of his trousers to stroke himself under the tent that was so clearly obvious. He loved watching you in pain, and nothing but rage bubbled up in your chest from the humiliation of loving somebody so depraved, even if he wasn't really Leon anymore. 

"I hate you,"

You muttered through gritted teeth, trying so hard to hold back your tears that your whole body was shaking. He let slip a soft moan as he twisted his grip on his cock, and didn't stop even as he focused those bloodred eyes on yours and growled in time with an especially rough tug. 

"Liar." 

Leon's grip fastened on your shoulder, but instead of pushing you back down to the filthy ground, he yanked you forwards and crushed your lips against his. Nothing but heat and the scent of blood overwhelmed your senses, your eyes fluttering closed when he started sucking on your lower lip and grazing it with his teeth. You wanted to hate the shivers that snaked up and down your spine from his kiss, but when it was from the man you still loved, it was difficult to brush those feelings aside. It wasn't impossible, however, because when he prodded past your lips with his tongue and moved in close enough for you to feel his cock twitching through his pants, panic flared up in your throat and you bit down on instinct, the coppery tang of his blood flooding your mouth at once. Leon shoved you off him much harder this time, but with the pain causing him to stagger you managed to scramble to your feet and back away a few steps to get some distance. But the fear of turning your back to him kept you frozen in place.

"You wanna be a brat, huh?"

Despite inflicting some much deserved pain, his glare barely wavered as he pulled his hand from his pants and wiped the blood that dribbled from his mouth, eyes gleaming with a lust for violence that you feared right now more than ever. 

"I'll let you have a ten second head start then, sweetheart. Better hurry."

You hesitated, his offer confusing you for a moment, but once the realization dawned on you your feet moved on their own. Sore and stained with tears and blood, you tore off down the castle corridors to search for an escape, and if not, then just a place for you to hide until Leon gave up on you, which would never happen. The thought of monsters barely dwelled in your mind when the most dangerous one was Leon himself, but little did you know that it would only take a short while for you to realize how fragile you really were when he wasn't protecting you, and that escaping without him was just simply not possible. 

"...Cheeky little slut. Let's just see how far you get before you come crawling back to me."

[ethofag]

full transcript of the video diary segment of ren's 32nd episode of hermitcraft season 8 under the cut! dialogue focused, written in sentence case. check tags for content warnings before proceeding if this is your first exposure to this scene.

RENDOG'S DIARY, DAY 1 - FIVE DAYS SINCE ENCOUNTERING THE MOON ROCK IN THE AUDITORIUM WITH DOCM77 I got some pretty decent sleep last night and it was well needed considering I haven't actually slept properly in the last 48 hours, mostly because, well, all I can think about is potatoes. I woke up this morning and I had this massive urge not only for a giant plate of beautiful, creamy Dauphinoise potatoes but something in me made me want to come and look at the spawn area of Hermitcraft season eight. I don't know what has drawn me here but it was such an intense urge I didn't even make a cup of coffee. I just went straight to the computer and logged onto the server and came straight here, to spawn, staring at the place where all of us Hermits originally gathered on the first episode of... Of the very first few days of the server and all I could think about was that speech that was made by Mumbo, introducing the new Hermits to everybody and breaking down the rules of the server and potatoes though. Man potatoes, you know potatoes are so delicious, there's so many great foods that you can make out of potatoes. Have you guys ever tried crispy roast potatoes with gravy? And some mashed potatoes...

RENDOG'S DIARY, DAY 2 - SIX DAYS AFTER ENCOUNTERING THE MOON ROCK IN THE AUDITORIUM WITH DOCM77 I spent another night tossing and turning without getting much sleep at all and my mind was just filled with a name, the name that I'd never heard before: MoonatrixOcta. I know it's supposed to mean something, I know it's important but whenever I try to focus on it, I just start thinking about potatoes again. Did you guys know that potato is a starchy tuber? Its actual name is Solanum tuberosum; I mean, why do I know this? I suddenly seem to know everything about potatoes. I even know the insects that commonly transmit potato diseases like the Colorado Potato Beetle, the Tuber Moth, the Green Peach Aphid, I even know about the Tuta Absoluta which is a ridiculous name but it's an insect that spreads potato diseases. Why do I know this? Why do I know that the sweet potato is actually not a potato or that in 1949, Mr. Potato Head was the first potato toy to be sold commercially. I... I know all these facts about potatoes and I don't know why. I've got nothing done in this episode. I'm... Falling behind, I'm losing it. I really think I'm losing it.

RENDOG'S DIARY, DAY 3 - EIGHT DAYS AFTER ENCOUNTERING THE MOON ROCK AT THE AUDITORIUM Things are getting much more frantic in my head, I haven't slept in days. I've been able to nap on the couch here and there but my mind is in an infinite loop between three ideas or subjects that I can't seem to shake: Potatoes, MoonatrixOcta, Mumbo Jumbo. I... I just don't know what's happening to me. I suddenly know even more about potatoes than I thought I knew yesterday. I know that there's over 4000 different types of potatoes, although the most commonly used potatoes are the ones that we have every day when we eat them; We've got the Anya, the Apache, the Arsh, the Charlotte, the Elfe, the Marabel, the Maris Piper, the Vivaldi, the Russet, the Rooster, the Purple Majesty. There's even a potato called the Désirée, I thought that was a singer but there's a potato called Désirée. Did you guys know that colloquially, potatoes are known as yams, Murphys, spuds, taters, tatties, potaters, tubers, rhizomes, rooters, sputniks. They're even called brotatoes. I didn't know this yesterday but now I do and I feel like this knowledge is just pouring into me, almost as if my head is going to explode and just as I get overwhelmed by potatoes, suddenly I think about Mumbo Jumbo. I think about his name- Mumbo Jumbo, what a weird name. Mumbo. Jumbo. Jumbo, Mumbo Mumbo Jumbo. I... I can't shake it. I need to go outside. I need some water. I need sleep.

RENDOG'S DIARY, DAY 4 - NINE DAYS AFTER ENCOUNTERING THE MOON ROCK IN THE AUDITORIUM WITH DOCM77 I've come to accept that I might never sleep properly again for all I think about these days when I close my eyes are steaming hot tater tots, those glorious Solanum tuberosum mouthfuls of happiness dipped in some sort of beautiful mayonnaise, shoveled directly into the face. My thoughts make me hungry, my hunger makes me think of MoonatrixOcta and always in the back of my mind, Mumbo Jumbo. But I am determined today to try and suppress thoughts of those glorious rhizomes and to actually achieve something on the Hermitcraft server today even if it's something small like chopping logs for the log tank or working a bit on the terraforming of OctaTown. It must be done, I must distract myself for if I allow the overwhelmingly delicious smell of roasting, crispy Jersey Royals to take over another day, I think I might never make another video again and perhaps my only chance of breaking free from this... Potato infested prison and to find the link somewhere there within. It is my only hope for salvation, although, even as I record this, I feel my mind sinking into a soft cloud of buttery mashed potatoes where, perhaps, an eternal slumber awaits and I can finally be free of that that has consumed me since I touched that wretched rock.

RENDOG'S DIARY, DAY 5 - ELEVEN DAYS AFTER ENCOUNTERING THE MOON ROCK WITH DOCM77 IN THE AUDITORIUM Before I started this diary, I never thought I'd care about potatoes but after these last few days, I really feel like the potato deserves a lot more respect than it gets in the world. I mean, it is a magnificent tuber, did you guys know that in 1885, for example, Van Gogh painted a portrait of potato eaters, I mean, how many vegetables get painted by famous people? I venture not many. Did you guys know that you can use a potato to clean the rust from your tools in your garden shed? I mean it's a miraculous vegetable. Cut a potato in half and just rub some of that potato juice onto your rusty tool and before you know it, brand new tool, just like that! You can even make biodegradable plastic from potatoes and I mean, most of you guys will know this because you did it at school, you can generate electricity out of potatoes. I mean you know what, you know what I think? Get rid of everything in the world, all the vegetables, get out of here, we don't need any of them. All we need is potatoes. Potatoes could do everything, we could make cars out of potatoes, we could make airplanes out of potatoes, we could make YouTube videos out of potatoes. We can do anything with potatoes. They are a miraculous form of vegetable, glory and they need more honor and they need more... What am I... What am I talking about? What, what am I talking about? I've been talking about potatoes for 11 days. I'm going to have to do something crazy to stop myself going crazy. I need to remove all potatoes from my life in some way. That's... That's what this has all been about. I need to find a way to purge potatoes out of my life for maybe that's what this is all about. Maybe, that's what MoonatrixOcta has been trying to show me. I just need to purge. I just need to get rid of the potato. I need to get rid of the potato. I need to get rid of the potato. His name is Mumbo Jumbo.

(THE CHANT OF "I NEED TO GET RID OF THE POTATO" & "HIS NAME IS MUMBO JUMBO" CONTINUES, BLENDING IN WITH THE VOICE OF MOONATRIXOCTA WHO REPEATS "HIS NAME IS MUMBO JUMBO" UNTIL THE VIDEO FADES OUT.)

[gladiatortale]

My DEPRESSION BEATING, fandom obsessing, shit-tastic FANTASTIC year in review!

TL;DR: I’m fixing my mental health and figuring out WHO THE FUCK I AM one fandom filled day at a time! Thank you to everyone who’s been there for me along the way. xoxo

what’s up HEATHENS.

stating the goddamn obvious here, it’s been a HELLUVA YEAR. One emotional rollercoaster after another but we’re ALMOST DONE. I know things aren’t gonna magically get better the second it flips to 00:01 on January first, but I’m excited to put this year behind me, and (SHOCKINGLY) a bit sad to see it go.

It was a year where the whole world completely stopped, we realized what is really important, what is really worth fighting for, and took a GODDAMN SECOND to just breathe.

For me personally, the year (which I’m counting off from November 1st) started out UNBELIEVABLY SHIT. I had just been kicked out of the country I called home for the last four years (thank you Brexit), I had ZERO job prospects, my depression was the WORST it had ever been, and I just didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And in the beginning, the pandemic felt like salt in the wound, an extra kick in the teeth to my early twenties that had already “failed to launch.”

But I tried to embrace the madness, really take advantage of the world (that I always thought moved to fast) properly slowing down, and take time to try and become myself again. I wanted to figure out what I loved and try and become a bit more like the person I was before my depression got so bad.

I often say I became that Manic Trash Planet Lady™ you see in sci-fi adventure films; a bit zany to say the least, with a million ideas and a very eclectic fashion sense, but embracing the insanity as it comes...

*cough cough* audrey, get to the goddamn point!

Right. lol. THE POINT IS! 

I’m not 100% “healed”, I’m not sure if I think depression is a “oh look you’re officially cured! hooray!” type of disease, but this year I let myself ENJOY SHIT for the first time in god knows how long. I still don’t know “wHaT i WaNt To dO WiTh mY LiFe”, but I’ve got a better idea and I’m heading in (what feels like) the right direction. And most of all, I can look back and say I am better than where I was a year ago.

So I wanted to say T H A N K Y O U to the mad lads on this website that introduced me to the fandoms, shows, movies, fics... THE SHIT that made me happy this year and were there to be one (BIG) piece in my healing journey.

AND SO, with out further rambling ADO! Here are the highlights of the year marked by my ridiculous hyper-fixations and OBSESSIONS. Thanks for putting up with me ya fiends, xoxox

November 2019  The Arcana (Visual Novel)

I had just gotten home and I was in a LOOOOOOW place. Randomly decided to download this app when it came up and it proceeded to ruin my life (and my bank account...) for pretty much the rest of the year. It was exactly what I needed to get me through a tough time and I was thoroughly, horse-blinders-up-to-the-rest-of-the-world, OBSESSED. These gorgeous magical fiends ruined me and all I could say was thank you.

Joined the fandom: November 2019 Obsession peaked: Late November Obsession faded: December 2019; I started a new job AND my bank statement came in and I realized I had accidentally spent over SIXTY BUCKS on this stupid app. No ragrets, but I definitely started to phase out at that point. Fandom friends: Velma, (@lanavxds on insta) miss you girlie xx Fanfics you NEED to read: ‘Second Mistake’ by DeathBelle on AO3, because DAAAAAYUM SON. Favourite moments: Basically the whole of the Julian arc. That gangly himbo OWNED my ass for a month.

December 2019 Hazbin Hotel (TV Series)

Y’ALL okay here me out. Am I proud of this one? No. Is the show crass as hell? OOOOOOOOHHHH YEAH. Did my angsty ass love it at the end of last year? DAMN STRAIGHT IT DID. Goes without saying, but this is NOT FOR EVERYBODY, but it definitely helped me along the way to becoming more comfortable with myself and being open about being the massive geek that I always was, and watching things I enjoy regardless of what people say about it.

Joined the fandom: December 2019 Obsession peaked: Shortly there after. Fandom friends: None. Dipped one toe in fandom discourse and then promptly YEETED the fuck outta there. Obsession faded: January 2019. Still curious to see the full series if A24 actually ever does produce the whole thing, but I have def moved away from it. Fanfics you NEED to read: Haven’t read any. Maybe I’m a pussy baby piece-o-shit, but I DID NOT want to go down that rabbit hole, NO MA’AM. Favourite moments:

Discovering the Hunicast podcast. These guys are a riot and Ashley is a flustered GEM. Even if you don’t watch the show, go watch an episode of these fucking LADS just dicking about and your day will get better.

Watching the first episode with my partner and watching him realize his girlfriend is a total freak.

January 2020 Lore Olympus (Webtoon Comic)

*Officially* discovered this one thanksgiving weekend in 2019, but my Arcana phase was still raging pretty strong at that point so I didn’t really get in to it until later. EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER NEEDS TO READ IT. It has everything and handles the reality sexual assault and it’s aftermath EXTREMELY well.

Joined the fandom: Late November 2019 Obsession peaked: January 2020 Fandom friends: KELLEY. MA GIRL XOXOXO Obsession faded: June-ish 2020. I’m like 10 chapters behind now, but I still love this story so much. Fanfics you NEED to read: SO MANY ON MY ‘MARKED FOR LATER’ LIST AAAAAH. I have to get to that... NEW YEARS RESOLUTION lol Favourite moments: Having a drunk conversation on New Years Eve in 2019 with one of my oldest friends from high school about how much she loved it too. Helped me see how popular fandom and fandoms, are especially after feeling like I needed to hide my enthusiasm through high school and uni. (THAT WAS A MISTAKE BUT I’LL GET THERE IN A MINUTE).

February 2020 Versailles (TV Series)

SO FUCKING GAY Y’ALL. Oh my god everyone in this show is so gay. Even when they’re not they still are a little bit. AND BEST OF ALL!! it’s very historically accurate (except for the demon satanic nonsense in season 3, what was that???)

Joined the fandom: February 2020 Obsession peaked: Like??? The SECOND I finished episode one. Fandom friends: none... WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU??? Obsession faded: March 2020. It was a fast and passionate love affair, what can I say? Fanfics you NEED to read: IF YOU HAVE RECS, GIVE ‘EM TO MEEEEE. Favourite moments: 

Showing the first episode to a friend of mine and the *ungodly GASP* that came out of her throat was... PRICELESS.

The ENTIRE throuple(???) relationship between the Chevalier, Philipe, and Palatine. PLATONIC/ ROMANTIC LOVE G O A L S.

March 2020 Yuri!!! On Ice (TV Series)

*deep breath* ...y’all knew this one was coming.

Was I ready for this show to ruin my fucking life? No.  Am I so glad it happened??? FUCK YEAH.

NEVER IN MY LIFE have I fallen off the deep end so quickly with a fandom. HOLY SHIT. This blog didn’t have much of an “identity” before, but I you said that this is a Yuri On Ice blog now I wouldn’t even be mad (nor could I really defend myself to the contrary... bc??? like??? just go LOOK at my archive). Craziest thing is I watched the first two episodes like?? a solid TWO YEARS ago, but I didn’t continue watching because I was just not in the right head space for all the love and silliness and positivity.

I could do a whole separate post about how much this show and how this fandom has changed my life (DON’T TEMPT ME I JUST MIGHT). But I’ll stick with the highlights for now ;)

Joined the fandom: March 2020  Obsession peaked: Has it peaked?? Went straight up and it still going lol Fandom friends: Sandra, my mentor, my queen @aeriamamaduck, my fandom ride-or-die. Thank you for taking this internet bby under your wing. RACHEL @idancewiththefairies I TRAPPED YOU HERE. MUAHAHAHA xxx Obsession faded: ON GOING. CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP. Fanfics you NEED to read: jfc, SO MANY.

‘Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches’ and ‘Of Bright Stars and Burning Hearts’ by Reiya @kazliin​ -- Rivals AU companion pieces. Longest fics I’ve ever read and JESUS CHRIST these two fucking SENT ME. Most popular YOI fics on AO3 for a REASON.

‘Tell Me Where Your Love Lies’ by @aeriamamaduck -- Royalty AU, trope-breaking ABO. Ah sweet, TMWYLL, how you’ve killed me over and over again. This BEAUTIFUL wip has SUCH amazing world-building idk where to start (Congrats on passing 50,000 hits!) EVERYONE GO READ IT.

‘Blackbird’ by sixpences -- WWII/Coldwar Spy Fic. I don’t have enough words to describe how amazing this is. It’s elevated to a higher plane beyond fanfic. Just go read it. Thank me later.

‘Zanka’ by rinsled05 @dreaming-fireflies -- The geisha fic that ruined me. *deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH *gasp* I’m fine. lol I sooooo not ready for this fic. Holy hell, Aoyagi had my heart in his hands from the first chapter. “’Please’ [...] ‘Don’t give me hope.’“ FUUUUCK.

‘Echoes’ by Reiya @kazliin -- Future fic. First fic I cried at... BOI. I was NOT ready for this. Shouldn’t be surprised given the author, but MAN. “‘A love like that, a love like what they had together, it never leaves completely.’ Yuri spoke again, eyes still staring out onto the ice, lost in memory. ‘There are always echoes.’” JUST FUCK ME UP.

Favourite moments: Oh good lord, where do I begin??

Having two (count ‘em TWO) main characters with mental health issues (Yuuri and his anxiety and Victor with burn out and depression) and NOT MAKING IT THE ONLY ASPECT OF THEIR PERSONALITY. CLAPS FOR KUBO AND YAMAMOTO!!

Everything about Yurio (ESPECIALLY HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YUUKO AND HIS GRANDPA), that tsundere motherfucker is too pure for this world.

THE KISS. THE PROPOSAL. MY HEART WASN’T READY. AAAAAH!!

This fandom *properly* introducing me to smut on AO3...

Thinking I was going to get Rachel to like the show... NOT being prepared for her to fall off the deep end and START LIKING REAL SKATING TOO!!

Staying up waaaaaay too late waaaaaay too often to plan out plot points for TMWYLL with Sandra. Love ya dearie.

The warm fuzzy feeling I get every time I think about Victor and Yuuri.

April 2020 Bungou Stray Dogs (TV Series)

I had a hunch I was gonna like this show considering ALL of the characters are based off of famous classic authors from around the world... what I was NOT prepared for was just HOW MUCH I was going to love it. HOLY SHIT. The art style? Love it. The plot?? Bonkers, but so fun. THE VOICE CAST??? AMAZING. Highly recommend to anyone who wants to get in to anime, great place to start.

Joined the fandom: April 2020 Obsession peaked: Probably this summer? But we have DEF plateaued in a VERY high place. Fandom friends: FIJI. MA BOIIIII @lil-1nsane  Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Hope it doesn’t Fanfics you NEED to read: So so so many. The smut in this fandom is *chef’s kiss*, but here are a few...

‘He Works Hard For the Money’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019​ -- Sugar Daddy AU. FUCK MAN. I was not expecting to like this one, but bloody hell. This fic grabbed me by the throat and WOULD NOT let me go. Praying for chapter 16! But the author is working on another STELLAR fic so I’m okay for now.

‘Everything or Nothing’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019​ -- University AU. FUCK THIS FIC. Started reading it as I was waiting for HWHFTM to update and BOI, this fic ROCKS. The alternating POV fits so well with the enemies/idiots-to-lovers vibe. Solid 10 outta 10.

‘The City Where Wind Blows’ by @raven-rein​ -- Cancer Death fic. *pained shriek* AAAAAAGUUUUUUUHHHH *gasp* aaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, FUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK MEEEEE. THIS FIC. Only the second fic I’ve ever cried to but I BAWLED MY GODDAMN EYES OUT. FUUUUUUUCK. I was not ready, never would have been ready. This is so tremendously well done, it killed me so beautifully, 

‘Haunted by Hatred’ by DeathBelle -- Canon compliant Soukoku. It is a CRIME that DeathBelle doesn’t have more BSD fics on her page, but this one is still brilliant.

Favourite moments:

THE CHUUYA-DAZAI MAFIA REUNION TEAM UP WHEN THEY FIGHT LOVECRAFT. Ooof. BOI. We love it.

The first three episodes. Soooo many break neck plot twists.

Every insane hypothetical conversation with Fiji.

Every time Atsushi or Tanizaki is on screen bc I LOVE THESE LIL BEANS.

June 2020 Trash Taste (Podcast)

Goddamn I love these chaotic lads so much.

As I became more and more comfortable with myself and my love for anime I stumbled upon these three goons, -- Joey, Connor, and Garnt, -- best known for there SUPER successful (mostly) anime YouTube channels. Even if you don’t watch anime, WATCH/LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST. The focus is mostly on their lives and the overall expat/immigrant experience, with a bit of anecdotal anime references sprinkled in. 

This show is both wholesome and heathenous in equal measure, and after having lived abroad for a significant portion of my (admittedly still quite short) life, it was such a breath of fresh air to hear people talk so openly about how living outside your home country is both wonderful and terrifying. They’re wonderfully candid about the fact that even if you love a place dearly, no where is perfect, and you WILL hate somethings about your new home even if the majority of the experience is fantastic. I cannot rate this show highly enough.

Joined the fandom: June 5th 2020, loved it from the first episode. Obsession peaked: July maybe? I was RELIGIOUS about watching the episodes as soon as they came out. Still watch every week, but less “on time.” Fandom friends: None :( but I have tricked my partner in to listening several times :) Obsession faded: It’s dimmed from where it was, but still going strong. Fanfics you NEED to read: NONE. NEVER PLAN TO. Hard and fast rule, I don’t read fics about real people. Characters played by real people, even that’s a maybe for me. But real-real people? FUCK NO. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Any time Garnt and Connor get into a big-brain-monkey-brain argument and Joey is just LOSING his GODDAMN MIND in the corner.

Bringing a retired Japanese porn star in the show for an honest conversation about consensual sex work and showing people can have more than one career in life.

Everything about the, ‘Are Online Friends Real Friends?’ episode. GO WATCH IT, it’s brilliant.

Garnt making “chotto-THE-FUCKING-matte” an expression

August 2020 Great Pretender (TV Series)

Spent most of the summer marinating in my BSD and YOI bubbles, until THIS BAD BOI came up on my Netflix recommendations. HOOOO BOI. This is some Anime Of The Year shit right here. Has a pretty original concept (Catch Me If You Can by way of Oceans 11-ish) but generally starts out like most other shounen (sans the super powers). AND THEN EPISODE FIVE HAPPENS. Not gonna spoil it but they TOOK THAT SHIT UP A NOTCH. Brilliant, even with a bit of an insane ending. GO WATCH THIS ONE.

Joined the fandom: August 2020 Obsession peaked: Pretty much as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: What’s up Fiji ;) @lil-1nsane Obsession faded: Naturally faded, but so glad I watched Fanfics you NEED to read: None so far! Little scared about this one, heard mixed reviews, but maybe someday. Favourite moments:

Edamame’s “madness arc” at the end of season 2. HOOOO BOY.

Laurent getting fucking WRECKED when Edamame punches him mid way through season 2, kills me every time.

Introducing my partner to anime with this show.

October 2020 Attack on Titan (TV Series)

RETURN OF THE KING. lol

In my quest to find an anime that I can watch with my partner, I turned on season 1 of this bad boi. Holy hell I forgot how much I loved this show, NO WONDER everyone lost their goddamn minds when this show first aired. I NEED to catch up before all the season four spoilers come to get me...

Joined the fandom: Winter 2016 Obsession peaked: Basically as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: None yet, but I know you’re out there... Obsession faded: 2017, JUST BEFORE SEASON TWO... I should have stuck around longer I know, but it’s slowly coming back. Reeeeeally need to catch up on seasons two, three, and four. Fanfics you NEED to read: GIVE ME YOUR RECS HEATHENS. Favourite moments:

Watching my partner FREAK OUT about Eren’s “death.”

EVERYTHING ABOUT POTATO GORL! lol

Getting in a conversation with a die hard fan after I hadn’t watched it in three years and saying... “Who’s that blond bitch that cries all the time?”/ “Armin?”/ “THAT’S THE ONE!”

November 2020... kind of. Figure Skating (Sport)

Okay this one is a bit hard to explain. 

I have been a DIE HARD figure skating for A LOOOOOONG time. My grandmother got me a hat from the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City and I remember watching even then. But I first became consciously aware of different skaters, my faves, etc. from about 2010. I vividly remember watching Plushenko skating in 2014 while on a school trip to Hawaii, and my friends laughing at me as I yelled at the TV.

But I didn’t TRULY get involved in the fandom side of it until this year. I had all this knowledge bottled up, but didn’t have any skating friends to talk to... UNTIL NOW. Super ironic that this happened in a year with almost NO skating, but I’ll take what I can get ;) Also did I stay up until FOUR-GODDAMN-THIRTY IN THE MORNING a few nights ago to stream Japanese Nationals on my phone??? YOU BET I DID.

Joined the fandom: Three times; 2002, 2010, and 2020. Obsession peaked: 2014? 2018? Idk it peaks any time someone does something amazing. Fandom friends: Rachel, my girl @idancewiththefairies​, WHY DIDN’T I INTRODUCE YOU TO THIS SOONER??? Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Won’t. lol Fanfics you NEED to read: NOPE. NONE. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. No fanfics about real people. Never gonna change that. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir doing THAT routine at the 2018 Olympics.

Rachel​ sheepishly admitting to me that Shoma may have replaced Yuzu as her favourite, and me being SO DAMN PROUD of her for growing and developing her own skating opinions apart from me.

Yuzu’s 2012 ‘Romeo and Juliet’ routine and Worlds. THE RAW FUCKING POWER OF THAT SKATE.

Plushenko, cheeky bastard, changing his 2014 Team Event routine AS IT WAS HAPPENING.

The worlds friendliest rivalry between Yuzu and Nathan.

Any thing the Shibutani’s do, and all they do to break up the stereotype that all of Ice Dancing has to be rOmAnTiC and SeNsUaL to be good.

Watching my early faves become coaches and the D R A M A.

Honorable Mentions:

Coco (Film): I watched this the weekend I came home and I owe this movie a lot. It is so sweet an heartwarming, and it a roundabout way it brought me back to Tumblr (needed somewhere to vent my feelings considering I watched the movie a solid THREE YEARS after it came out, Tumblr seemed like the place to go lol). Watched in again in 2020 and it’s just as amazing.

Jekyll and Hyde (All media): Loved this book from the first time I read it in my first year of uni. But in December 2019, my fandom understanding reached its PEAK. The musical?? The comic?? YOOOOOO.

Dear Evan Hansen (Musical): I have BARELY engaged in fandom discourse, but the MUSIC. She fucking SLAPS.

Sirius the Jaeger (TV Series): This show is such an underrated gem. It literally has so much; "dead” family drama? Eclectic international group of monster hunters? Cowboys and vampires?? Yes, yes, and YES. And the main character has the same Japanese voice actor as Atsushi from BSD!

Studio Ghilbi (Films): My love affair with Ghibli goes back to when I was about 5 and BEGGED my mom to take me to the library so we could rent Kiki’s Delivery Service on DVD. But that love has been FULLY rejuvenated this year when I went to the Ghibli Film Festival in New York City (ironically in the last week in February). If you haven’t seen them, go watch From Up On Poppy Hill, Whisper of the Heart, and The Wind Rises. Spoilers, you’re probably gonna cry.

If you’ve made it this far, THANK YOU FOR READING! 

And thank you to all the amazing people that made my 2020 not so horrible. Good riddance 2020, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

[youngnari]

Thicker Than Water // Ten

—Notes : t had been a long while since I started writing anything (pardon if this sucks), and I have a lot of things in my drafts right now that I have to continue. Uni had been overwhelming and recently my internship ended, hopefully I can write more before my next term starts. Overall, enjoy this short scenario I made and have a nice day ahead :)

—Wc : 7831 words

—Warning : honestly, none... I just wanted to write about Ten cause I love Ten, well we all love Ten.

—Pairing : childhood best-friend!Ten x female!reader 

—Genre : a cup of fluff + a few dashes of angst

—Summary : Two childhood best-friends found it hard to confront their feelings for one another, until they grew apart;

When distance grew and time spent apart, love became stronger. After all, it is thicker than water.

“I love you, Ten”

Love is thicker than water. Your feelings wouldn’t easily be dissolved even after a few years of not seeing him.

And that’s when you knew, love is true.

Life decisions often come knocking on your door when you least expect them to. They are often buried in the form of steps, growth, and changes.

The life decisions you chose rarely caused any big changes in your life, although you were partially to blame for often wanting to play it too safe. Your life always revolved around the same people, all located in a similar environment. Your so-called childhood best-friend who lived just around the corner of your block, a brief five-minute walk. He played a big role in your life, similarly to your parents. You had known him since you were three, possibly longer; from bathing and swimming together naked in his kiddy pool his parents had set up in his backyard during summer time when you guys were four, to him freaking out when he noticed blood stains on your pajamas pants that you discarded into the laundry basket when you first hit puberty thinking you were dying due to some chronic disease, to the so-called first love and first heartbreak you ever received when you were in high school. The same person was always by your side.

Yes, you had chosen to fall in love with your childhood best-friend. And that was the first time you realized: sometimes the safest choice, isn’t so safe after all.

Cue – Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, more commonly known as Ten.

You have seen Ten when he was doing his best, while Ten has seen you when you are doing your absolute worst. He often got straight A’s, a few A-‘s for Chemistry and Physics, and he was chosen as the lead dancer of the school’s dance team – mastering traditional and modern styles so goddamn well, yet you still thought he was the dumbest kid alive. Ten may be seen by many as the epitome of how every Asian kid should be, molded by their parent since young to be nothing but perfect. Ten was often envied by other parents, they hid it well in the form of praises thrown towards his parents, but they shrugged it off saying Ten always tried to do his best.

They weren’t wrong. You had seen Ten studying until late at night for mid-terms and finals, often resulting in the consumption of an unhealthy amount of energy drinks and coffee as he reached a certain limit. He usually started his homework and projects early to enable freedom in the last few days before the due date, giving him the leisure to not cram things up the night before, but late-night video games. He was simply organized, well prepared, and perfect.

You had known Ten for your entire life, and it didn’t seem like the end of high school would be the end of your friendship. Until one night when he came barging into your room straight from the graduation party his friend Kun had thrown, celebrating freedom as they broke the chain of education by graduating from high school.

You still remembered how your heart skipped a beat when he came in, his lean figure stood elegantly in your door frame. Ten looked at your figure buried under your blanket, your nightstand occupied with snacks and water, laptop on your lap, the screen the main source of light in the dimly lit room. He caught the sound of the actors speaking from your laptop, heavy Spanish and gunshots ringing heavily from the speakers. He smiled knowing you probably rejected Kun’s invitation to settle down at home and binge watch Netflix instead, once again hiding yourself from socializing with people.

He let himself in as his hand closed the door slowly, striding over across the room in large step, he took his seat beside you before snuggling into the blankets to watch the show with you. You swore you felt hot, trying your best to fight the blush creeping across your cheeks. It seemed okay at first, knowing the room was quite dark and the only source of light was from the changing scenes of La Casa de Papel that was playing in your laptop. You thought he might hear your loud heartbeat, yet the sound of gunshots and screaming thankfully covered the sound of the erotic thumps of your heart.

He let out a sigh.

You could smell his musky cologne mixed with a little of his sweat, the stench of alcohol from his breath, the smell of cigarettes from his clothes filling your room. You hummed a little, catching his attention in the process.

“Can you believe we graduated?” He began to speak, giving you a question that similarly went along the line of what now.

You smiled a little and nodded.

“It’s only high school, Ten. We still have a long way to go.” You said.

“No, you still have a long way to go.” He said, his eyes glinting, proud of your achievements in life.

Ten remembered the talk both of you had, the plans you hoped to complete once both of you graduated from high school. You had told him you wanted to pursue studying in engineering or food science, while him – Ten wanted to be an artist, a singer or performer on stage.

He noticed your eyes dim a little and he sighed. His arms circled around your shoulders, bringing your figure closer towards him. You felt his warmth almost immediately, suddenly craving for more and you found yourself scooching towards him. Ten didn’t mind; you had curled up next to each other every movie night since you were young. He felt your head leaning towards him, smelling the hint of vanilla and mint from the shampoo and conditioner you always used. He smiled.

“Are you still not going to tell me who’s the guy you fell for?” He asked you again.

Ten felt your body tense up for a while before slowly loosening up again. You swallowed a lump in your throat as your eyes shook despite trying your best to focus on your laptop screen.

You had told Ten regarding your discovery of love after he kept pestering you to start finding a match, to the point he asked his handful of friends to introduce new people for you and set you up on a blind date. You had yelled at him in frustration, revealing that the reason you didn’t want to find a guy to date was due to you having feelings for someone already. Never once did you explicitly tell him who the person was, in fear that an outcome you didn’t want may occur.

Ten believed in you and respected your privacy, opting to stay silent most of the time. That didn’t keep him from pestering you with questions about the so-called crush, although he didn’t expect you to answer.

“You’re still on about it?” You snapped back. He gave you that annoying grin of his and nodded.

“Are you still in love with that crush of yours then?” He persisted. This time, you smiled knowing he wasn’t going to back down.

“I am, since forever probably.” You answered.

One of the fears you had since you were young was the fear of being rejected; you were sure everyone had a similar fear like yours, deep down inside of them. You weren’t necessarily scared of the rejection; you were more scared of the aftermath from the rejection. You knew Ten liked you, but you weren’t so sure if he wanted you like you wanted him. your refusal to confess stemmed from one of two possible outcomes if you did; one – he accepts you and you start dating, which meant the best of both worlds. Two – you are rejected, resulting both of you drifting apart and becoming strangers despite having a friendship almost reaching two decades.

Ten, your best-friend who recently broke up with his ex-lover. Confessing to him this early would only be a suicidal move. His past lover, whom he broke up a few weeks before graduation. The reasoning behind it was quite simple, none of his lovers liked seeing him with you.

The way he looked at you dotingly, laughed at every dumb joke you gave, the way he tucked loose strands of hair behind your ear, and dropping everything that he was doing to be around you. You were confident to say that you were his number one, and you withstood the pain that came with every one of his relationships.

Because you knew that Ten would always come back to you, back into your arms.

But you are still scared of confessing to him, unaware of what exactly is going on in his mind. You didn’t want to lose Ten just like that, you fear of not having him in your life when you were already so used to seeing him around you, being with him 24/7.

Other than that, you were confused with Ten. He was unpredictable at times: most of the time. You didn’t know if he was giving you hints regarding his approach towards you. Because many told you that he treated you differently from how he treated others, you could see that.

Ten wasn’t so touchy around people he considered friends or close friends, but when it came to you, things from linking arms around one another, hugging in public, cuddling during movie nights, and him giving you a peck on the cheek at random moments. All obvious signs he favored you more compared to others. You carried it like a medal, knowing probably no one could ever replace your spot next to Ten.

But the other thing that bothered you so dearly was that he was your first kiss. Yes, Ten was your first kiss.

Enter: prom night, 3 days after graduation.

Ten ‘proposed’ to you a month before prom, getting you a bouquet of a single sunflower and peperoni pizza with extra cheese from your favorite pizzeria downtown during one of your Netflix marathons. You were surprised by his grand entrance, nevertheless you ignored it due to his unexpected behavior at times. You accepted the flower thinking it was nothing but a gift for your mother and eagerly took the warm pizza from his hands before going into your room. Just as you opened the pizza box, excited to reveal the greasy cheesy goodness from heaven above – you were left in shock, with your eyebrows shooting upwards, eyes widened, and mouth forming an big ‘O’ as you read the note plastered on the lid.

P R O M?

Others may think it was stupid or too cheesy to be considered a good plan; to you it was stupidly cheesy and you loved it. Even though the note was speckled with grease, you kept it to this day. You turned around to give your response, only to be faced with ten kneeling on one knee holding a sunflower corsage sitting comfortably in a clear plastic box surrounded by white baby’s breath, all tied with a black bow on top, his signature wrapping.

You stood there frozen, not knowing how to react to his sudden act. He grinned madly and laughed at your reaction, snapping you out from your trace.

“Is that a yes?” He asked, hopeful.

You laughed and nodded at him, knowing you would rather go to prom alone if it wasn’t with Ten.

“Great, I was scared you had a date with your crush.” Ten joked.

You thought about your answer for a while. You didn’t necessarily have anyone in mind to ask out as your prom date, as the only person who always came to mind was none other than Ten himself. You rejected a few people who came and asked you out, stating you had someone in mind as you looked at them sadly.

Ten on the other hand was the same, he didn’t have anyone in mind but you. Thinking to himself it was better to spend prom with someone who truly meant something to him rather than a random person he didn’t even know.

Hence, the proposal for prom.

“I think my crush has a date already, so it’s fine.” You shrugged off coolly. Ten smiled at you and nodded, relieved by the answer before he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“Aren’t you sad that another person is their partner for prom?” He asked again, this time curious.

“A little, but I feel like I don’t stand a chance with him.” You said, smiling sheepishly at the end.

“Then, we’ll show him what he’s missing out on then.” Ten stated proudly as he sent a wink towards you.

You smiled softly at him and nodded. He’s not going to miss out on much, you thought, losing your train of thought as Ten buried himself under your blanket, urging you to hurry up.

Prom rolled out faster than you expected it to. One morning you woke up in your old t-shirt and oversized loose cotton pants, lazing out in your bed till late afternoon. The next, you were up, showered and off to do your hair, pick up your prom dress, and pamper yourself for the whole day.

The once loose old t-shirt and oversized long cotton pants changed to an elegant long black dress which hugged your curves and showed off your figure. Your once messy hair was styled and smelled amazing, a simple long gold necklace draped across your collar bones, and the most dreaded part: the heels.

At 8PM sharp you heard the doorbell ring, signaling Ten’s arrival.

He came in looking like a prince. Ten was dressed in a black dress shirt, paired with formal pants that enhanced his long legs, his neck constricted with a black tie, it seemed like he was glowing under the dark fabric. You held your breath, noticing him grow more charming the more you laid your eyes at him.

Ten smiled when he saw your figure from the top of the stairs, reaching out a hand for you to take. Slowly you went down like the girls you often see in the cliché romcom series, taking his hand that was fully extended towards you.

Instantly you felt the rush of electricity, the warm skin embracing your cold hands. It felt right.

“You look amazing.” He said, smiling giddily like a child.

“And so do you.” You said back.

He slowly took out the corsage, slipping it on your wrist. You stared in awe at the contrast of the bright yellow flora wrapped around your wrist with a black ribbon between the black clothing you wore. You did the same for him, taking his part of the corsage and pinning it on the pocket near his chest, giving a bigger contrast against his pale skin and his black formal.

It seemed surreal but that night, you thought both of you were meant to be.

“Ready?” he asked.

You smiled, linking your arm with his as you hug his figure close to yours, wanting nothing but to savor the moment between the both of you.

That night, it was the first time you felt fairytales could be translated into real life.

It took you approximately two hours for your feet to completely die on you. You sat down on the row of empty chairs beside the long table filled with glorious food, a red cup of artificially flavored punch in your hand. You played around with it, occasionally your head bopped around to the music being played.

When the lights suddenly dimmed, you raised your head upwards to meet Ten’s. His forehead gleamed with sweat, hair disheveled, yet he ginned wider like nothing mattered.

“One last dance?” He asked, his hand extending for an invite, encouraging you to take it.

You knew your feet were dead, pierced under the heels. Yet you still smiled like it was nothing, nodding and taking his hand. He pulled you further into the crowd, taking your figure into his embrace. He turned around when he found a space, instinctively his hands circled around your waist. You could feel the warmth that radiated from his hand, the blast of the AC was nothing compared to his touch. You returned his grin with a smile, your hand circling around his neck.

That was enough for Ten to know you were comfortable, pulling you closer to him, closing the gap in between. Your eyes fluttered shut, your heart beating rapidly, seemingly wanting to break free from your ribcages and attack Ten. You smiled to yourself, fairytales can be real.

“I’ll get you Shake Shack if you let me in that head of yours.” You snapped your eyes open, looking at Ten’s gleaming ones.

“My thoughts are worth more than Shake Shack.” You snapped at him, he laughed.

“You’re thinking about that crush of yours?” He asked, tone soft as he gazed at you sadly.

“No.” you said without much thought.

“No?”

“My crush isn’t here” You lied. Ten hummed, nodding at your answer.

“Are you sad that your crush isn’t here?” He asked again. You shook your head, giving him a smile.

Ten leaned closer towards you. Your heart drummed to the point you could barely hear the music booming on the speakers, or the crowd chattering to oblivion. You closed your eyes, anticipating what he might do after. He placed a delicate kiss on your forehead, sighing silently at the end. You never knew what the meaning behind that sigh was, whether it was good or bad.

When he pulled away, Ten seemed fine. There weren’t any hidden emotions being spilled, there was only a wide goofy grin plastered on his feature. You had your hope in him confessing, but it seemed unlikely knowing Ten probably saw you as nothing but a dear friend.

It didn’t take him too long to snap out of his own world, pulling you away from the crowd towards the cool midnight air.

“Where are we going?” You blurted out.

Ten turned his head to face you, feet still pacing towards his parked car. His eyes squinted at yours, eyebrows furrowed. You knew he was silently judging you, especially since Ten was never a master in concealing his expressions.

“Midnight drive.”

You remembered the silence of the road during that ungodly late hour. No traffic jams, smooth ride, it went well. The night was dark, the only given light from the moon. You often found yourself glancing at Ten, amazed by his features.

You felt the car halt during a red light, its man-made neon lights flashing across his face, sculpting his features. You gazed in admiration at the result, thinking that he could be an exhibit displayed in an art museum.

“Stop staring or I’ll poke your eyes out.” He said. You turned away instantly, acted as if you weren’t ogling him.

Ten laughed at your behavior, he said nothing and proceeded to drive. He made a turn, and you found yourself in the drive-thru of McDonalds. It was still Prom and having McDonalds with a flashy tux and a bedazzled dress was a perfect way to end it.

Then Ten parked his car alongside the river, letting you eat whilst staring at the breathtaking view; you couldn’t ask for more. He rolled down the window and turned off the engine. You could feel the harsh rumble slowed down to nothing, allowing the soft rippling of the waves to replace it. Ten rummaged through the paper bag, taking out the food. He passed you your order and you quickly munched on one of the fries. Ten opened his mouth, making some random sounds to get your attention. You took one of the fries and put it in his gaping mouth. He hummed in satisfaction.

“I want the Mcflurry!” You demanded

Ten rolled his eyes at you but still he complied, giving you the dessert. You smiled at the melting dessert, taking a fry and dipping it inside the cup. You moaned at the taste; how you loved the contrasting taste of salty with the sweetness.

“Give me one!” Ten stated. You nodded, scooping some of the sweet flurry on the fry. Passing it to Ten, you could only hope it didn’t spill anywhere. You felt a little of it drip on your hand, yet you paid no attention towards it. Ten bit down and chewed.

You were about to pull your hand away and wipe the spilled ice cream, but Ten held you in place. Taking your hand in his, he latched his lips on your hand. You could feel him giving little kitten licks, cleaning the marked area. You felt yourself grow hot, blushing at the sudden intimacy from him. When Ten raised his head, he noticed the color of your face turning a few shades of pink and smiled to himself.

“Are you flustered?” He asked

You wanted to slap him. Before you could do much, you felt his grip on your wrist tighten. Ten pulled you closer towards him, the impact enough to send you toppling towards him. You yelped in surprised, Ten smiling at your confused state.

Both of your faces were inches from one another, just one nudge was enough to send your lips flying towards his. You felt your face grow hotter; his smirk prominent on his face. You knew Ten was doing nothing but tease, but a small part of you did hope he would lean forward. You saw the glint of mischief glimmer in his pupils, his hot breaths hitting your cheeks, but he was still as composed as ever.

“Did you expect anything?” He asked with a smirk on his face.

“Screw you, Ten.” You hissed out, stumbling on your words.

He let out a small chuckle, amused by your choice of comeback. Ten leaned forwards, finally closing the gap in between. You felt your heart leap when his lips touched yours, delicate at first before it became more needy. You sighed a little into the kiss, it was enough for Ten to continue. He pressed himself towards you, deepening the kiss. When he pulled away, he stared at you in awe. Your hazy eyes and your flustered face, accompanied by your whole body gasping for air, he thought you looked breathtaking.

He licked his lips, tasting the artificial cherry lip gloss you wore. He hummed in content, bliss even.

The next thing happened in a snap. The words that you always kept to yourself, never once slipping out. They were always deep inside, locked in a chest, key thrown into oblivion. In a snap, everything stumbled out without your control.

“I love you, Ten” And his eyes widen by your confession.

***

That happened 2 years ago.

You had always been safe in your life choices, in hope to ensure the safest outcome in the future. You tried your best to succeed in school, got into a decent college, and managed to find an average part time job as a librarian on your campus ground. You had thought if you choose your path wisely, it was easier for you to survive in life.

Ten proved you wrong.

You had always thought falling for Ten would eventually lead you to another stage in life, to finally settle down. You envisioned him not only as your life-long best friend, but also had the hope to be a potential lover.

You loved Ten, truly. But he made you realize that sometimes the safest decisions weren’t so safe after all.

After Prom, he drove you back home without a second thought. He walked you to the door, let you settle in the house before leaving. You had thoughts that Ten might leave you after the whole kiss situation, but he didn’t.

The next morning, he texted you again, to check up if you were feeling okay or up for another day out. You remembered declining, stating you were too tired from coming back so late – which was true. It was still fine, perfect.

You had always thought Ten would realize how head over heels you were for him. It seemed impossible for anyone to be that dense, moreover he was always there around you. You remembered smiling rigidly when you noticed his expression.

His eyes widened; mouth slightly agape like a fish on the surface. You felt his hands shake a little, you felt it on your skin. Ten stuttered out his words, stumbling here and there not being able to fully form a complete sentence.

You had never seen him like that.

Ten called you the next morning, and you still had your hopes for your feelings to be reciprocated. Instead, he only replied you with—

“I am sorry, for everything. It was the heat of the moment, I got carried away”

You didn’t know what hurt more. A rejection; it was cruel, and it hurt, but you knew Ten wouldn’t lie to you even if his life depended on it. Or the fact he disappeared straight after; Ten wasn’t there the next time you tried to contact him, no calls, no texts, nothing.

You knew Ten’s dreams; he spoke about them countless time during your high school days. He wanted to perform in front of thousands, to show his passion and love for his art. You supported him; you knew his potential.

You had seen him practicing, dancing and singing till late at night. Often mad at him for not taking care of himself, being that friend who helped him to pass all his subjects, to a mother who always brought him meds and food to ensure he was eating well.

You cared for Ten, too much sometimes.

The moment he told you he didn’t want to go to university, you didn’t know how to react. Ten brushed your expression off and stated that going to university together or not, he would still be the same Ten you know and grew up with.

He didn’t keep his promise.

You cried a few times, feeling lost for the sudden loss in your life. You heard from your parents that you would meet people like Ten once you entered university; you wanted to believe them. They meant no harm, not wanting to see you cry. But you knew you couldn’t possibly believe every word they said.

Ten was one of a kind, and you still loved him.

Each day dragged on longer than before. You had never felt the overwhelming emptiness, the lack of notifications from him. It felt empty.

You had never felt the loss and emptiness, until you felt him slip out of your life.

He left no traces. His room still the same, sheets still tucked neatly. But his scent was weak, it wasn’t him. It took you quite a while before you could finally accept his absence in your life, Ten had his own life now.

Yet, even after all of that—you were still in love with him.

It was another typical day for you. Finishing classes on campus you ran to the library to start your shift. You went to check your attendance on the board and proceeded to the main desk to settle down. You sighed a little, calming down your racing heart from the small sprint you did.

You took one of the books on the desk, looking at the books to be returned and due for the day. You hummed in acknowledgement before placing it back down. Taking your laptop and papers from earlier lectures, you started doing your own work. It was a few hours of silence in the library. People came and went, coming up to ask for books, information, or just to return and borrow books for the remaining days. It wasn’t a hassle, as in only took you a short while to complete each task, then you were back doing your work once again.

It was a few minutes to closing time. You started packing up your things, putting each chair back in its original position, checking the remaining books that had been returned for the day or for any remaining people who were still roaming around the area. You were about to switch off the power and call it a day until the door opened, calling for your attention. You lifted your head to confront the new incomer, slightly annoyed to see people still dared to come in despite it was already closing time.

“I’m sorry, the library is closed for the—” You halted. It was as if the words stopped forming, your voice stopped functioning.

The familiar figure who had been beside you your entire life. From when he was a literal infant, growing to a rowdy teenager, and now a grown man. He remained the same, only a few changes. His skin was still as pale as ever, a real-life interpretation of Snow White. His dark locks and orbs, the pair of eyes you would let yourself get drawn into. You noticed he was a little skinnier, his eyes a little sunken. But his smile, his smile was still as bright as ever.

“T-Ten” You stuttered his name. Feeling odd by the sudden familiar yet unfamiliar name that had to roll out of your tongue.

“I’m back, love” Your heart swooned.

***

You bit down on the fries, feeling the familiar taste of salt hitting your taste buds. You sighed in bliss, knowing this was all you need after ending your campus and work life.

You turned your head, looking at Ten who was still rummaging through the paper bag for his designated order. He pulled out a burger, unwrapped it, and dug in. You chuckled a little at his hunger, especially when he left out a small moan.

“Did they not feed you?” You laughed.

Ten tried not to talk, chewing faster to swallow and answer your question.

“I had to go through a diet woman, let me enjoy the love of my life.” He said.

You were back at the same place after prom two years ago. In his car, takeout on both of your laps. The only thing that made it different was where the takeout was from. Instead of going through Mcdonalds, Ten got both of you Shake Shack. The promise he made two years ago but was never fulfilled because he was a broke high schooler.

You dipped the fries in one of your milkshakes, munching and groaning in bliss. Ten opened his mouth, whining a little to gain your attention. Like usual, you dipped the salty grease in the sweet dairy, delivering it to his mouth.

“How’s life now?” You asked him. His hand offered out the bitten burger in his hand and you took it, taking bites from it as you waited for him to answer.

“It was hard. But I survived, I’m here.” He said, laughing in the process.

There was a small moment of silence, neither of you spoke. You took small sips from your milkshake while Ten was munching away on his burger. You kept on glancing at Ten, a distant gaze in your eyes. There were a lot of questions in your mind, still spinning and left unanswered. Ten noticed the glances you threw at him, noticed how you gazed upon him with concern and curiosity, but also fear as if he might disintegrate once your eyes leave him.

“Are you staying?” You asked. Ten stopped, ears ringing a little.

You didn’t hear from him for a moment. Nervously, he would divert his attention from his food towards the view. He cleared his throat, looking at you a little before placing his unfinished food back in the paper bag.

“Let’s… go to your place. Netflix like usual?” He said.

You froze, not knowing how to process the whole situation. Lost without much thought, you mindlessly nodded at him. Just like that, he pulled back and drove to your apartment. Ten followed the GPS as it led him further into your neighborhood. You had no idea what was running through his mind, his facial expressions impossible to read, consumed in his deep thoughts.

Ten never realized how two years could change someone so drastically. You were out from your parents’ house, renting a decent apartment near your campus, filling your empty time with part time jobs. He had seen the way you interacted with people, the way you would smile or sometimes joke with them caught him off guard. Especially since he knew how socially awkward and shy you used to be with strangers; he found it amusing.

When you unlocked the door, opening it wide to welcome him into your personal space, Ten silently went in. You rushed to the kitchen and took a glass of water, gulping it down to quench the dryness of your throat. Ten helped himself, taking a new glass and filled it. You directed him towards your room, taking the historical laptop you’ve had since high school, allowing him to start the show as you washed up.

Ten heard the small noise from the closing door. His eyes glued at your retreating figure, sighing when he saw you being swallowed by the other room.

He hadn’t meant to ignore and go missing, he had dreams. Ten would always feel guilty for suddenly disappearing without any context, it was all due to his own contract within his company. Ten had spent the last few years locked up, practicing in order to achieve his dreams of becoming a successful performer. Other than that, Ten’s mind wandered towards you.

He thought about the kiss.

Remembering every single luscious moment of it, playing in his mind like a broken record. He still felt his heart beating like crazy, thinking he lost his chances when you exposed your crush around him but never once telling him who the crush was. He thought it was a stage in life where he was losing you, seeing you slip away between his fingertips. Hence, he restrained. Ten opted to be more cautious around you, fearing his attachment might go wilder.

The growing distance taught him a lot of things. How much more capable you were in life, how you were okay without him in your life. He thought he didn’t have the chance, he lost you during the process.

Ten was in love with his best-friend, with you, since forever.

He had his fair share of stages when he fell in love. The problem was he failed to realize that he had already been in love with you since you were young. Ten was in denial, opting to run away from you. Thinking how impossible it was to fall for his own best-friend, someone who was always there, and someone who was always there to look after him despite how he came back into your life so abruptly.

Ten ran away. He thought if he dated someone else, the feeling would go away. He thought wrong.

Every single person he dated had been nothing but odd. They never gave him the same joy, rush of adrenaline whenever he was around you. Their touch felt foreign on his skin, he found himself wanting to feel your touch on him forever, longing for it every time you pulled away from him. He didn’t feel butterflies from his given nicknames from his past ex-lovers, but the butterflies swarmed him when you called him an idiot or plainly by his name. You had made him crazy, and he wasn’t hating you for it.

Ten was in love, but he was scared to admit it. He opted to run away, thinking the feelings would go away eventually. He thought it was simple, he was only too attached to you, to the point he could only think about you. He went missing, gone without giving any news of his departure towards you.

But the more he ran, the more he felt the longing feelings reaching out towards you. Wanting nothing but to be enveloped in your embrace, dumb conversations late at night, random movie nights till dawn. But he also had the idea of having you as his partner, his lover, his partner in crime, his everything. He wanted you in his life, yet he feared losing you might be easier if it happened.

The growing distance only made him want you more, miss you more. He noticed love wasn’t so simple, it wasn’t easy to get rid of. Unlike water where you can wipe it off without leaving any stain—love, is thicker than water.

“Hey.” He called out when you walked out of the bathroom, hair damp from your shower. You perked up at his voice, snapping your head towards him, fully giving him your attention.

“Let’s hang out after your class, tomorrow.” Ten stated, or more like demanded. You nodded.

A month since you last saw him, Ten started entering your life once again. He made it seem like nothing ever happened, as if the two years was nothing but a short two weeks break.

Ten didn’t show you any sign of awkwardness or hesitation, he straight up jumped right in.

It was becoming more frequent. Meeting him after class or after work, getting dinner together, him accompanying you during tests weeks, bringing you coffee or sending you off to campus in the morning.

Desperation, exhaustion, and longing.

He felt as if he was always there, as if he never had left. But that two-year gap would never be filled. It was an endless void, consuming both of you, testing you, and pushing both of you to see who would break first.

Both of you broke at the same time.

“Was it really the heat of the moment that led you to kiss me?” You started the conversation. He had brought you to the nearest coffee shop in hopes of accompanying you in finishing your assignment. You, on the other hand, had other things in mind than the given project.

It had bugged you the moment Ten came back, the moment he came into your life once again as if he was never away.

You took your eyes away from your laptop, gazing at Ten who was avoiding your gaze. His eyes wandered around the small café, memorizing the minimal interior, enjoying the warm vibe the space portrayed, then he finally rested his eyes on yours.

“No.” He said.

“You lied.” You said. For the first time in his life, Ten lied to you.

Ten smiled sheepishly, shaking his head a little, amused by your unending questions. You waited for his answer, patiently you waited for him to speak first, continuing to type away on your laptop.

“I’m sorry for disappearing.” Ten spoke out. You hummed at his answer, letting him know none of it mattered. You were more than ecstatic seeing him back, those two years was erased or seemed like they ceased to exist.

“Were you afraid of something, Ten?” You asked him again. Ten didn’t voice out his answer, but from the look of shock in his eyes, you knew.

“It’s me.” You said as your eyes gazed at him sadly.

Ten felt his heart hammer, how it plummeted when he noticed the hurt in your eyes. He groaned internally; everything, it was all his fault.

“You were running away from me.” You stated. Ten didn’t answer, he swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling how dry it had gotten.

“You knew, I like you. That I’m in love with you.” You said. He winced at the confession, felt the desperation in your voice as you spoke.

“I love you, Y/N. I love you but I was scared.” He whispered out, soft and only audible towards you.

You abruptly stood up, taking all your belongings into your hand. Hugging all of them desperately, struggling to fit them all in the small space of your arms. You rushed your movements, dashing out of the café, you were sure you probably had made a scene, especially with Ten running out straight after to catch you.

“Listen, please.” He said desperately, heart drumming louder in fear.

You pulled away from him, causing your books and papers to fly out of your hands and land on the ground. You crouched down quickly, stuffing them sloppily into your bag. You knew Ten was still there, crouched to help you gather your stuff. You could feel his gaze run around from the ground to you, most likely with concern and fear.

“I’m sorry.” You snapped your head upwards and look at him.

Ten could feel his heart shatter. The red eyes, puffy and ready to cry, your whole body was already shaking due to the rush of emotions and adrenaline. The mixed-up feelings and longing were consuming you, never had you felt alone in a room filled with people, where all eyes were trained on you and Ten.

“Cut the crap, Ten.” You hissed out, tears streaming down your face, dropping to the ground.

“I should’ve told you—”

“You should’ve stayed! You left me, alone for two years without telling! Two years, Ten!” You snapped, feeling the tears flow down. One then another, it was a continuum by now.

“I was selfish, I didn’t know what was going through my mind. I’m truly sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt—”

“Ten.” You choked out, stopping him abruptly.

“Why?” He asked. You looked at him, confused.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you like me?” He asked again. You shook your head a little, a little in disbelief at his pushy behaviour by now.

“Because of you!” You snapped out and ran.

You didn’t care if Ten was tailing you from behind, trying to stop you. All you wanted was to run away from him, be alone for once. Ten didn’t have the right to pry into your life, not knowing how much you had sacrificed for him, and he decided to come back as if nothing even mattered.

His calls and texts were constant, coming into your phone with no end. You were bombarded with his spams, words of concern, plead for forgiveness, everything. You shunned away from Ten, afraid to meet him after the whole incident, fearing you might hate him if you did see him once again.

It took him another month before he showed up, on your front door of your apartment. You had the thought of him barging in, like those scenes from romcom movies where the guy fight for the girls’ love. Instead, Ten had his hands on the spare keys you gave him when he came back, easily slipping in without making any damage. Like the night after graduation, he stood around the doorframe elegantly. Tall and lean figure leaning on the sleek wood, eyes piercing around yours, lips pressed into a thin line as he was unsure of his next act.

“Do you want to get lunch?” He asked. You could hear his voice shake, causing it to come out like a mere whisper.

You wanted to throw him off, lock yourself further into your apartment, you did none of those. Instead you gave him a simple nod, and that was enough for him to pull you out of your own bubble once again.

***

“A rebound.” You said.

Your gaze rested on your food in your hand, playing with it with your utensils as you listened to his blabbering. Ten sighed a little and shook his head softly, both finding it hard to eat. He brought takeout once again, both of you locked in his car facing the Han river once again, but in broad daylight with his AC blasting.

“I didn’t want you to be a rebound, I was confused.” He said.

“I thought it was impossible if I fell in love with my own best-friend, you were there since…everything! And I thought if we did date, things will fell and I will lose you far easily!”

“Have you ever thought what I wanted?” You asked him, turning your body to face his direction. Ten swallowed a lump on his throat, shakes his head a little.

“Ten, I love you. I still do and that night I thought we had something.”

“I was scared, I was a coward. I didn’t realise that I’ve been in love with you for so long, and I chose not to acknowledge it!” He said, frustrated at this point. You stayed silent, listening to him this time.

“I thought liking you wasn’t going to work out, it scared me. And I chose to run away dating these people I don’t even feel much, thinking that my feelings will change. But oh wow, you are so fucking addicting.” He groaned; a hand ran up his face to his hair in frustration.

“You got me crazy, thirsting for you every single time you weren’t there. Everything wasn’t the same without you around me, Y/N. I came to realise that all too late.” You smiled a little.

Ten caught that small grin of yours, not knowing fully if it’s a bad or good reaction. Your smile widens more, breaking into a Cheshire grin and then you proceeded to laugh. At this rate, Ten was either scared or confused, but he waited patiently until you finished.

“I guess that two years long break was enough for us to clear our mind up” You stated.

Ten didn’t say much first, thinking about it for a while. When he caught the small gaze you direct at him, he knew he had to say something.

“Like what people said, distance makes the heart grows fonder. They weren’t wrong, it was odd not having you around me, and it made me realise a lot of things.” He said.

“And what are those things?”

“That no one can replace you, that you will be that only person I’ll truly love and long for.” Ten said, softly gaze upon you.

Two years. As distance grow and both of you grew older, maturing into adults, those were enough to make both of you realise how despite distance can change a lot of things, both still longs for the similar person. The touch they had lingering around, the smile that will light up your day, the voice which rang around your ears, the name that was enough to give you a surge of butterflies.

The growing time and distance weren’t enough to pull both of your feelings away. He kissed you that day, with meaning. Soft and delicate, afraid he might break you if he put more pressure. You could feel his tears running from his eyes, knowing too well he was tired, emotionally drained. You smiled in the kiss, pulled him in for more, wanting more. You loved him, he loved you.

And for the first time, both of you thought the whole world revolves around you. That was enough to make things official.

Two years, as time passed and distance grew.

Both of your feelings still remained the same, after all love is thicker than water.

[vivinightingale]

Hanahaki disease and Star tears head canons part 1 of 3

Hanahaki Disease: An illness born from one sided love, where the victim's throat will fill up with flowers. They will then begin to throw up, or cough up the petals. In serious cases the flowers themselves. There are only two ways to get rid of the said disease. If the person the victim loves loves them back (strong friendship isn't adequate enough) or through surgery. If neither work the victim will suffocate on the flowers resulting in death.

Star Tears: The Sparkly star-like tears, accompanied with twlinking sounds. It's a disease that is caused by unrequited love. The only cure for these glimmering tears is for the love to be returned;  however, if they are not then the light from the shining stars will blind the victim. 

Flowers mentioned: 

Tulip: Love and, Confidence 

Sunflower: Adoration, Loyalty 

Hydrangea: Emotion, Understanding 

Rosa Rchardii: and ancient Egyptian rose. (usually a sign of purity)

Lychnis

(I will be making Yami and Atem two separate identities because i believe what he use to be back then is different from what he is in the present day)

~Pharaoh Atem Hanahaki Disease:

If the Pharaoh had the disease:

He wouldn't know what hit him. The day he saw you with Mahad he felt his body temperature rise and his heart beat quickly. He never felt something like this before so he thought he became sick. How close to the truth the young Pharaoh was. 

Because you were training under Mahad you saw the young pharaoh quite often, and as time passed you even became friends, chatting like the two of you have known each other for years.

However the closer Atem got to you the more his body began to change for the worse. He woke up one morning in a coughing fit till eventually he coughed up a single white density petal. Confused, he called for the best physicians. 

When they examined him they couldn't give him a straight answer no one has ever seen something like this. So in desperation everyone turned to Mahad. Hoping that his magic could either cure the young king or give them answers.

“My Pharaoh, what you have is a  rare disease Called Hanahaki.”  recovering from his last coughing fit of blood and Tulip and sunflower petals. “What is the meaning of this disease?”

When Mahad tells him of the disease he feels his stomach drop when he hears the word death fall from his lips. Panicked Atem asks him to get rid of the disease. When that is also explained to him he begins to have an idea who has caused this disease.

He takes days to come to terms if he should say anything to you or let Mahad remove the flowers with his magic. However before he could act on any of it you caught him in the garden coughing up blood and petals from various flowers. “Are you okay my pharaoh?!” as you rush to him he panics slight and tries to turn from you but you were quick enough to catch him.

When you see him in this state you start to panic and ask him what happened. At first he tries to avoid your line of questioning, but you were persistent till he finally told you.

“I have a disease called Hanahaki...one sided love…”  you looked at him shocked. The Pharaoh loved someone who didn't love him back? How can that be? Everyone loves him!

Before you could ask him who he looked at you with those beautiful amethyst eyes that held both concern, and something else you could place. “It's you…” he turned his head and began to cough more blood petals more than before. 

Despite his coughing fit you hugged him from the side as tears sprang to your eyes “I love you Atem, i have from the day we met and i truly got to know you.” 

It took awhile for the flowers to be fully cleared up, but with you at his side he made it through.

Afters years of courting you he married you and together the both of you ruled over his kingdom in perfect harmony.

If you had the disease:

There were rumors of your great healing magic, so naturally the pharaoh and his court heard of you. You were then taken under the wings of Mahad so you could harness your healing powers. That's when you met the Pharaoh, and that's when you knew you were in trouble.

The longer you stayed in the palace with Mahad you grew closer with him and the pharaoh. The closer you got to Atem the more your feelings began to grow, and the more they grew the more sure that it was just you having these feelings.

The more time passed with the feelings inside of you, the more you began to feel the scratches in your chest till eventually you coughed up a single petal. The petal of a sunflower.

You tried your best to hide these petals from everyone else, until one day you were caught coughing up the petals by Mana. I fear she alarmed her master Mahad who then was quickly by your side with her.

“You know what this is right…?” wiping the blood off you look down “Hanahaki….the rare disease caused by one sided love….”

You were well aware of the effects of the disease and what would happen if you didn't get rid of the flowers, and honestly you contemplated if sharing your losing feelings was worth the trouble.

You took days to contemplate your situation. With disease getting worse it was harder for you to hide them. So eventually during a meeting the Pharaoh caught you coughing up the petals of sunflowers, tulips, And Rosa Richardii. Panicked, he dismissed the meeting and asked Mana to take you to your chambers. You tried to struggle against it but Atem was having none of it.

After a few hours alone in your room the Pharaoh came in with a frown etched on his face. “How long have you had this disease?” 

Once again you tried to avoid him and his line of questioning but atem was not giving up. You were special to him, and did not want anything to happen to you. 

“I've….had since the day we met….”

It took him a minute to realize the implications of your words. When he realized it he took your hand gently in his and kissed your knuckles “The let this disease haunt you no more”

Overwhelmed by feeling you hugged him tightly as he wiped away every tear, and that's when you knew everything was gonna be okay.

~Yugi Muto Star Tears:

~If Yugi had the disease

When the boy first spotted you was during the Duelist kingdom, at first he thought you were a good duelist and was immediately interested. The more time you spent with him the more his feelings towards you grew.

With these new feelings came some problems. When he was around you not only did he get nervous, clammy hands, and short of breath but, on top of all of that he began to cry star tears. The twinkling sound echoed off the empty room as Yugi tried to wipe them away.

He went for months trying to conceal these tears from everyone, but eventually he was caught one night by his grandfather.

As yugi sat in his room trying to wipe away the tears his grandfather came into his room. “Yugi? Is everything alright?” as he walked in and saw the state of his grandchild.

Mr.Muto quickly went to yugi “oh no...the star tears..” as Mr.Muto wiped away the tears he began to tell yugi of the side effects of this disease. He couldn't lose his sight! Not now! Now when the battle city tournament is so close!

Frightened, he turned to his grandfather for advice. “Your best bet is to tell this person how you feel and hope they love you back.”

Yugi didn't like taking chances, but what other choice did he have? He could lose his sight before the battle city tournament.

So with a hastily written note he asked you to meet him at the game shop at the end of the day.

After school yugi rushed home and paced around his room, he never expected to tell you like this. It felt forced, but what other choice did he have?

When you arrive at the game shop Yugi’s  grandfather shows you up to Yugi’s and knocks softly on his door. “Yugi...Your friend is here for you.” 

When you enter his room there you see Yugi standing in front of you crying uncontrollably, as bright stars that twinkle fell with his tears. “Yugi….” you muttered.

He looked off to the side as he explained the disease to you, and the side effects of it. You gasped and covered you vermouth afraid what this could mean for your friend and his upcoming matches. “Then you need to tell this person Yugi! We can't lose you!” he gave you a sadden smile “Thats what im trying to do right now.”

Your eyes widen as you slowly walk towards him, he looks off to the side feeling unsure of himself and how the outcome of this will be. Until you hugged him tightly. “I love you too.”

The star stopped flowing but the tears didn't. He was happy that not only did he not lose his eyesight, but he got the greatest gift of all. You love. 

If you ended up with the disease: 

You noticed Yugi during one of your battles during the duelist kingdom. He was simply observing you but something about the boy caught your eye. So after the battle you introduced yourself to him.

As the competition continued you grew closer with Yugi and his friends, but more importantly Yugi himself.

Even after the duelist kingdom you were close to the group of friends and yugi, However as time passed you realize that you had more feelings for Yugi then friendship .

That is when the disease hit you, as you sat on your bathroom floor tears and twinkling bright stars flood your eyes. Not knowing what to do you stayed home that day wiping away tears.

Worried Tea, Duke, and Bakura stopped by your house since you haven't answered your phone all day.They knocked  and when no one answered they walked in to see you on your floor stars and tears running down your face. 

Worried they all huddled around you. Looking closely, Bakura examined your tears and stars “Star tears….” you looked at him questiongly. Bakura explained the disease and the effects it has on you. Scared to lose your sight you asked Bakura how to cure such an aliment.

When he tells you how to prevent it, you get more anxious. You have to tell yugi how you feel. What if he doesn't accept then what? You go blind for the rest of your life?

Tea tries to calm you down telling you everything is gonna be alright, that they will figure something out in the meantime. They all stay with you trying to comfort you till it becomes late. Once they went home and you were alone you sent a text over to Yugi telling him to meet you at your house tomorrow.

You stayed home the next day as well anxiously waiting for yugi to come over. When he finally did you were both relieved and scared.  

When he saw the state you were in he was quickly at your side questions what happened. When you told him he looked perplexed

“The only way to stop these tears….is to tell you that i….love you and you return these feelings.” Yugi was quiet for longer than you are allowed to admit. “If you don't fee-” before you could finish your sentence you left soft lips on yours 

“Then i don't want to see you cry ever again okay? I'll be here to wipe them away” More tears fell down your face as you hugged him tightly  knowing you were in the safest arms in the world.

~Yami Yugi Hanahaki disease:

If yami had the disease:

When he laid eyes on you he felt like he had seen you once upon a dream. When he shared a body with Yugi he tried to fight these feelings knowing they couldn't lead him anywhere good. You were with Mako after all.

After everything, you, him, and the group his feelings for you never faded. At first they were nothing but a nuisance to him till he finally got a body of his own.

After he got a body of his own was when the flowers began to grow in his lungs. Tulip, sunflowers, roses, and hydrangea. That's when he knew….he knew there were only two ways this could end.

Yami became distant and it worried everyone, so out of worry Yugi, Joey, and Tristan psyed the former Pharaoh a visit. When they got to him, and they saw the state he was in they knew something was terribly wrong.

“I cant…” he mumbled through blood and flowers. “I can't tell them….them and Mako…” worried the boys looked among themselves before Yugi spoke up. “There is another solution..”

When Yugi mentioned surgery Yami was startled. So he either dies from the beautiful petals, or….lose all feelings for you. He couldn't bear the thought of either, but he had to do either. So in the end he chose to lose his feelings.

After the surgery he was never the same. The two of you slowly drifted apart, and unknowing to him it hurt you more than any physical wound. After High School you went with Mako to the sea always wondering what happened to Yami, but never getting your answer.

If you got the disease:

Love can hit you at any moment, and it chose to hit you when you first laid eyes on Yami and his new body. You wanted to tell him how you felt but you had your suspicions that he held feelings for tea.

Unfortunately for you, you were right. Not long after he got his body Tea and him hit off really well, and the two of them started dating not long after. That broke you more than anything.

The flowers began to flow through your lungs and out your mouth along with your blood. The same pain that was tied to your lungs was tied to your lungs. You skipped many days of school effectively worrying your friends. 

So Bakura, Yugi, and Joey went to your house to check on you. When they say you in tears, blood and petals running out your mouth. They knew things were serious. SWhen you explained the symptoms to them Bakura looked at them with worry.

“Hanahaki the one sided love disease…I've read about it in some medical books it's a rare disease, but very much real...” 

When Bakura explains the disease you grow more and more anxious. You couldn't tell Yami how you feel, and ruin not only your friendship,but his relationship with tea. “I-is there anything i can do?” When Bakura explained The two solutions you became afraid. Lose feelings or lose your friends.

In then you got the surgery, after the surgery not only did you lose feelings for Yami but you lost connection with your group of friends. Before graduation you moved away without telling anyone leaving behind your hurt friends, and a confused and hurt Yami. 

~Joey Wheeler Star Tears

If Joey had the disease:

As much as Joey likes to believe he suave when it comes to the ladies that is far from the truth especially when it comes to you. His mind goes blank, he stutters, and he can't help to get red in the face.

He knew he couldn't act on his feelings however you were already with Duke there was no way he could get in the middle of that. You were so happy…

It didn't get drastic till he began crying star tears. They were too bright and unbearable. He wanted it to stop. He called up his friends one by one seeing if anyone knew anything. Yami was the one who seemed to know more.

“They are called Star Tears. Those tears are more deadly then you are aware of.” When yami explained the disease to the Blond. When it was all explained to him he knew he was screwed.

There was no cure for this disease unless he confessed to you,and you returned his feelings. You were with Duke already so there was no way for the two of you to end up together.

He knew what he had to do even though he didn't like it...So for days he waited for the tears to stop the stars to blind his vision. He didn't like it, but he also didn't like ruining your friendship with him. 

Eventually he became blind to the world around him, it was difficult, but eventually managed. Though he could never see anyone ever again he was still happy to know that you were happy by Duke’s side.

If you caught the disease:

God where you helpless, whenever you say joey you knew you were doomed. That man may be an idiot but you loved him dearly. The only problem is he was with Mai and you knew you couldnt compete with her.

So from the side lines you watched as her and joey held googly eyes with each other, secret kisses, and hand holding. It hurt you to see them like that, but you had no other choice. You didn't have the heart to say anything.

It hurt your heart to see it but it got worse when the star tears began to flow. They got worse and worse as time went on,but you couldn't understand why. So you contacted a doctor. When you told him of your symptoms he told you of the disease, and the side effects of it.

“I'm afraid there is no cure for it, unless your one sided love is returned” 

Panicked you hung up the phone. You couldn't tell Joey how you felt that could ruin everything, besides is a fifty-fifty chance that Joey would return your feelings anyway. 

Your only choice was to wait. So that's what you did. You waited, crying the blinding tears until eventually it did take effect on you. Your sight slowly faded along with your tears leaving you in nothing but darkness.

Your friends tried their best to help you with your new predicament, but no one could help you through the loneliness you felt in the dark. 

~Request are open~

[lunnaya-dragon]

Rated: your emotions.

Warnings: strong deviation from the Canon/strange Viggo.

Pairings: Hiccup/Viggo.

Summary: Viggo is infected with a terrible disease, and begins to hunt his most delicious prey.Hiccup, finding out who is hunting him, tries to save him.

And also a small explanation:

word - is a plain text.

word -is a thought .

word -is the author's words.

word - is the language of a monster or monster.

HORROR AU.

Chapter 2.

"The day I was possessed by a demon".

The guards laughed softly. And how can you not laugh when your chief cackles like a sick rooster?

Viggo was laughing merrily as he watched his father lose another game of Maces and Talons.

"Son, only you can disgrace your father like this".-Ragnarok said, smiling softly at him.

"But is it my fault that you can't play?" Viggo said, still laughing.

And the ships were nearing the island "Bescheshuichetyi dragon". And as soon as their bows were firmly planted in the white sand , everyone was told to leave their cabins and go ashore.

"Well, are you ready for your first hunt?" - said Ragnarok proudly, leaning his powerful hands on his son's thin shoulders .When he heard the guard's voice from outside the door.

"You'll be proud of me , I know every weak point in these reptiles.I spent days and nights preparing for this moment, not like some people.Viggo said confidently, looking straight into the brown eyes of his best teacher , his father.He jumped out of bed and began to pack his bag .

A few minutes later, they left the cabin and went to the General meeting , where children from different tribes met. However, as soon as Viggo noticed a group of children of different ages, something made him become quiet and timid again.

In it were the heirs of other tribes and kingdoms. Their age ranged from 15-18 years .They were all dragon hunters.

After examining his new companions a little, he decided to find out more about where he was.A small village on the other side of the river caught his eye.He decided to find someone who could tell him about it.

A tall man was standing near a group of people .Approaching him, he greeted him and asked him about the village.The latter answered him thus .

"Hello, my name is Armstrong the good-Natured.As for those buildings, this is a small village, as well as a medical center.It was specially built here, because there are a lot of things in this place, graduates get seriously injured. This is where we treat them....although sometimes there were cases when children did not pass the exam, for various reasons, and came here to send a letter to their homeland to be taken away.To be honest, boy, I'm against such survival .You're too young to hunt such beasts, not like those big foreheads over there! So let's agree on this, I really feel sorry for you, you can come to me if you want ,my house is that building with a carved wooden horse head. If you ask me why you have such a privilege, I will answer right now , because you are the only 7-year-old child , around you there are already healthy deer that are about to turn twenty.That's why.Now go to hunters." With that, the mustachioed man in armor walked away.

When Viggo got the answer to his question ,he said good-bye and went back .

Next to the group that had already gathered, a man in a white coat climbed onto a wooden pedestal and tapped on a silver disk.This attracted the attention of everyone standing around.

"Dear Sirs, ladies and their children, today we have gathered for a reason, today is the very day when our children must prove themselves for the future of your tribes and kingdoms. They will have to: survive for 3 months, on their own, develop a sense of courage, ruthlessness, coolness and fearlessness. Be able to calculate their every step , because it depends on how they will lead their people. But their most important goal is to defeat the Bescheshuychetogo dragon, one of the most terrible creatures on this island.I wish you good luck. " - with these words, the elder descended from the pedestal and walked away.

Viggo was alarmed by this statement, because he had never met or remembered this class of dragons before .As a result, all confidence in victory collapsed . And he even wondered how Riker had handled it all and brought home a bunch of little dead dragons.

He did not have time to think about all this , because his father's hand clearly made it clear that it was time to say goodbye , and perhaps forever , because no one is immune from their own death.

He let him go , his eyes sad and full of fear .

An hour later, he was standing alone on the beach. Unnoticed, the others had already gone hunting.

"pull yourself together ,everything will work out for you." With this thought in mind, Viggo pulled out a book and a coal from his bag, and quickly began to write a plan of action. After all, you need to have time to do everything before sunset, otherwise you won't be able to say Hello to him later.The plan was this :

1) Find suitable shelter, both from the weather and from predators.

2) Find a source of fresh water , and it is better to find shelter there.

3) Take care of the availability of food.

4) to Prepare a sleeping place.

5) Prepare items for tomorrow's hunt.

Having written the plan, he began to carry out the first point. And putting the items back in the bag, quickly ran into the woods.

It's been a few hours or more, but he still finds what he thinks is the perfect place to hide.

Coming out of the thorny bushes, he sees a waterfall and a small river, a source of fresh water .And behind the waterfall is a hidden cave.Viggo cautiously walks up to the entrance ,narrow enough that it does not fit Gronckle, and looks around.There is nothing inside except one spacious room . And most importantly, it is not inhabited by anyone! Today, luck is on his side. He quickly found a corner to sleep in and began sorting through his bag of things .Taking a couple of pitchers with him, he left the cave, ran to the river and filled them to the top with clean water and returned to put on the floor.

"All that's left is to find some food.Sticks, stones, and leaves for a fire ,and reeds for a primitive bed."

Viggo crawled out of the cave again and searched for branches, leaves, and rocks.After about half an hour, all the necessary items lay in the middle of the cave stacked in the form of a fire.It was also good that the island is located in the South and at night it was not cold, and during the day it was warm enough.

The second race in the forest was to the pond with water lilies and frogs ,which was located near the shelter. This place could be found by following the direction of the river. So it was almost impossible to get lost. Water lilies are not reeds , but they will also pass for a bed .When he returned, he left them to dry in the sun.

The third time he decided to go fishing, in the same pond. The catch was small , but it was enough to satisfy a seven-year-old boy.

It was already evening , and the water lilies were dry .Putting the fish on them, he took their vruki and dragged them into the cave. The leaves of the water lilies were not put in the most comfortable, but still the bed. A leather bag served as a pillow. The fish was still in the bowl . When he got to the fire, he quickly lit it, after all, he was training.

While the fire was burning, he began to prepare the fish for cooking . After a few minutes, the fish is already fried on the fire .Dinner will be ready soon .In the meantime, making a curtain out of a small, thick, leather towel, he closed the passage to the cave .

After dinner, he went to bed .

Somewhere around 01: 00 or 02: 00.

He often woke up to something like crying, which gets worse every time.Viggo was very scared, but he gathered his will and decided to check who was making this cry.With the help of the still-burning fire, he made himself a torch. He left the cave and went to the source of the sound.

The crying increases, and turns into someone's painful and heart-rending moans.With each step, the forest around them only grew darker.Trees took on the appearance of strange monsters .The sky was turning a deep purple, and the stars were not visible because of the dark red clouds. The air around them smelled of dead things, and there was a sound of someone slurping.Suddenly Viggo's whole body is paralyzed, and he sees a body behind the bushes.Of the fear he hides behind the rubble and looking at a terrible picture.

Before him was a bald, disfigured, and huge dragon.From the smiling mouth of which the flesh descended in bloody streams. He recognized the prey of this monster , it was a teenager whom he met on the beach in the morning.But it's not the gnawed teenager that's more terrifying, it's the dragon .It seemed to him that it was the birth of nibelheim .It resembled a Deadly Nadder, but without scales or a disfigured appearance.Its head was covered with countless curved horns.The monster had no eyes.The wings looked like broken arms with very long fingers. On its tail instead of spikes sticking out sharp as a needle bones .The paws were much more massive, with long, razor-sharp claws .His skin color was beige like a human's, but there were veins and arteries in places .It began to smile even harder, spreading its toothy and blood-stained smile all the way to its ears.And she laughed merrily as the man said something in his own language, but Viggo didn't understand a single word .

"-×%^*?,;&:))08¥¥" .

Thank Thor, the monster was sated and soared into the sky, flying away.

Viggo, in a fit of shock and hysteria, ran back to the cave, his heels flashing .He couldn't even squeak, thinking that this creature would want to eat him ,too . He didn't want to pass this test. He was smart, and remembered that his main prey is nibelheim dragon , as they are called.

This monster was described in legends as a carrier of the worst disease , "Lekantinism".If a person managed to survive (although this word is figurative) after his attack, then he will live in agony, every night reincarnating in Lekantra.But no one knows what really happened to the man and the dragon.

This is unfortunately what our hero will have to learn.

When he reached the cave ,he threw the torch into the water and hid inside . He became hysterical. Falling on the stone floor, he began to cry loudly and call for help. But alas, no one will come to him .After a few minutes, he calmed down a little and Remembered Armstrong's words . He quickly pulled his bag towards him to get a book and a coal.

Viggo began writing a letter to his father asking him to take it back.And in addition, he could barely describe what happened to him now. After that, he put aside all the items and decided to wait for the beautiful sun.

As soon as it was morning, the birds began to sing their morning songs. Our hero was already running to Armstrong's house. He couldn't lie down to rest.

When he reached the house, he quickly knocked on the door,and then recoiled from it ,turning red as a tomato .Because he didn't expect Armstrong to come out of it just waking up in his underwear. After a few moments, he realized that he was standing in front of the child not in the best clothes and posture.The man allowed the child to enter the house , and he began to dress, ashamed.

After the morning nonsense.They sat down at the table to eat Breakfast , but only Armstrong, Viggo after yesterday ,him appetite Packed up and left him.

The man noticed the red streaks on the boy's face and decided to ask him what was wrong and why he was crying.

"Viggo, first of all, I'm sorry about this morning's concert.I am ashamed of this , I did not expect that someone would come to visit me in the morning."

" nothing ."it was very quiet.

"And one more thing, why were you crying?"

With this question, Viggo's face turned pale, and other than the strange combinations of sounds, he could not utter anything else.

"Don't be afraid, I'll have it all ,honestly."

"P ... just me ..I strongly this b..Bo..I'm afraid."

"What are you afraid of?"

" Dragon's "

"Hmm, I told you that you can't hunt them, fool, stop being afraid they are just animals , and they follow their instincts."

"-×%^*?,;&:))08¥ ¥ " Viggo said.

"Uh , sorry about what?"

"So the dragon said."

"Uh , Viggo ,dragons can't talk."

"No! HE WAS TALKING, AND I HEARD IT !"

"Hey, what are you doing, calm down , everything's fine "

"THERE'S NOTHING GOOD,I SAW A BALD AND DISFIGURED DRAGON WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE DEVOUR A PERSON, A PERSON, AND THEN SAID THIS PHRASE AND FLEW AWAY!!!"

"Stop, wait, calm down first, just breathe in and out .Now, you said you saw a bald dragon eating a human?"

"Yes, I was very scared of him and hid in a cave.I wanted to give you the letter , to be honest, so that you could send it to my father.I don't want to stay here anymore.I'm afraid it might come back and want to eat me."

With that, Viggo began to cry again, and then opened his bag, took out the letter, and put it on the table.The man, clearly discouraged by such statements of the boy, took the letter and got up from the table.

"Viggo I'll be back soon, but in the meantime, you wait , and better lie down and sleep on my bed , you're tired.I'll send an email and come back."

Armstrong left the house and went to the post office.Viggo obeyed, found his room and bed, and lay down to take a NAP. Soon he fell asleep.

--------------------

"!!!@@&*((¥@))₽₽₽#&&,'/_€÷¥"

Said the Monstrous Nightmare, following in Viggo's Wake. And in a few moments Viggo was in the clutches of his monster.

" (÷):^^;))-#$"

" What,......what do you want from me?!"

":)))^*^)"

And with that, Viggo is completely in its toothy mouth.He tries hard to resist, but his hands slide over his tongue .As a result, the creature tries to swallow it whole.Turning his feet to the throat, he rests them against the monster's tonsils, and his hands cling to the fangs, screaming and begging for help. Eventually, his feet slip off his tonsils, and Viggo ends up in his throat .After a few moments, he opens his eyes to see around him a black, glowing and transparent liquid-gastric juice .

"Well, that's it, my end has come, and my father will never know or find me "

" :))))!!"

But when the pain starts, something grabs him and shakes him like a rag.

------------------------

Viggo wakes up wide-eyed, choking on her own tears.Armstrong stared at him in horror, his blue eyes showing only fear.

"Uncle Armstrong, don't worry, I often have nightmares ."

"Nightmares! Yes, you literally ran around my ceiling and growled incomprehensible phrases, rushed at me, tried to strangle and bite me.I will continue to list your antics, so-called nightmares!"

"I ... I was sleeping, and the dragon was trying to strangle me and eat me."

"Well, I don't know about the dragon, but before you go to bed, warn me, at least I'll tie you to the bed or something.""

"Please forgive me, I really didn't see anything"

"Okay, forget it.By the way, your father will be here in a few days , but in the meantime, will you stay with me well?"

"Well "

With these words, they decided to remove the mayhem of the unfortunate room.After cleaning, we went down to lunch.

In the meantime, they're having lunch. Perform different work within 2 days. Viggo no longer had such nightmares.But here comes the very moment when our hero is possessed by night horror.Day 10: 00.

Viggo picks berries for a cake in the woods .When suddenly his attention is attracted,crows gathered in a black cloud and flew away.Then he sees one tree after another break and fall on its side.And what breaks them rushes straight in his direction .Viggo is terrified and, throwing the basket, he begins to run towards the settlement.But before he reaches half the way, right before his eyes POPs up his dragon from nightmares, a giant bald and terrible Monstrous Nightmare. Its head resembled a deer's skin-covered skull, with huge curved horns .Empty and humanized eyes . .Bones sticking out of his back.Throbbing veins completed the picture.It's like a nightmare . It does not hesitate for a moment to attack Viggo.In shock, he took the hit .The claws cut through the flesh of his chest and neck, leaving huge cuts.Blood spurted from their necks.Viggo screamed at the top of his lungs .And the monster did not calm down , it began to tear his stomach and chest with its teeth, releasing black drool . But there was a whoosh of an arrow ,and Viggo fell from the monster's mouth .And it itself died, falling to the ground .The arrow went through him the skull.All Viggo could see before he lost consciousness was the terrified faces of the young hunters and Armstrong.

Our hero is not dead now he is in the infirmary. In the meantime, others are looking at the monster they shot recently. The worst thing is that with exactly the same cuts, but from other bezcheshuichetyh dragons, arrived from different parts of at least 4 people. And they were all in their bunks.

In the evening, the parents of the injured and surviving children arrived on the island.

Ragnarok raced to the room where Viggo lay ,Riker barely able to keep up with him.As soon as they were in the right room, Ragnarok ran to his son and took his hand.

"Son, if you can hear me, please answer me...."

But there was no answer.Soon Viggo's hand became cold and limp ,a sign of death.Riker and his father burst into tears .Too big a loss for them.Ragnarok wanted to take his son to Valhala that night.

Night.Everyone gathered near the common grave .The dead 5 children were put in one boat .And let the waves. But as soon as the moon peeked out from behind the clouds, something happened that threw everyone into horror.There were groans from the ship, then screams, and then growls .After a few moments, the ship began to sink into the water .And sank.A black ball with a red glowing dots began to approach the shore.Some began to hide behind the cobblestones, while others drew their bows and prepared arrows. Parents unsheathed their swords. And the tangle was getting closer and closer. Suddenly one of the creatures from the tangle climbed up on the reef.This creature was no longer a child, this huge winged creature with a piercing cry that leaped into the air and landed near its mother.The mother was horrified to see her child like this .But instead of showing my mom that everything is fine, I'm here, I'm alive, I just changed a little. He pounced on her ,then tore her throat out ,grabbed her, and like a featherless bird flew away with her dying mother.

On the second and third, they did not stand on ceremony and immediately got arrows in their temples.Kill them .The fourth, like the first, flew away.The fifth was Viggo.He turned into a disfigured dog.

But unlike the first one, he did not attack ,but ran away into the woods.

In the morning, everyone sailed home with terrible grief, and village the people down with them.

[beyondtheciouds]

.29.

Part 1 of 3

Heavy rain descended from the sky swallowing up the last ounce of hope. The black clouds were staggered; swollen red from the heat of the day. The world outside is flipped upside down; black is white; white is black and all is red.

Her head aches with the shift in color; the logic of her accommodations rather painful. She gasps, her throat hoarse and still raw from screaming for hours on end. Tears slide down off the bridge of her nose and she can't close her mouth fast enough. A salt lick of a tear hazardly grazes her tongue; the clear liquid tasting like bottled anguish.

In her mind, she remains back at the Institute with her family. She braces and steadies herself for the worst.

The cold, steel manacle around her neck chokes her and makes it difficult to breathe. Chains, wrapped around her lithe body curl around and over her; tucking her away between their links.

The rusted chains rattle as she moves from left to right in a rhythmic sway; an attempt to crash through the door.

Velocity. Volume. Vantage.

Her nostrils flare with determination then deflate with defeat when her body doesn't pick up immediate speed.

Her long brown hair is loose from it's tight chignon; the ribbon torn in half. Dirty and tangled; the snarls of her hair half drag across the dusty floor of the tin can coffin.

Hanging upside down from the ceiling in her undergarments is Tessa. Her hands are behind her back held together with simple, normal rope. The rope is knotted in several places with sailors knots and elegantly tied to the rope around her feet. Both ropes are linked by a chain that is attached to the manacle around her neck.

Tatiana smiles vicious and hateful watching Tessa struggle. She enjoys the fact she can literally see the blood rushing to her enemy's head in the whites of her eyes. "Moving only makes the blood run quicker."

Tessa grimaces, a wave of dizziness and nausea washing over her. "Now you tell me."

Tatiana smiles that heinous smirk and shrugs. It lasts only a second, but something about the casual confident roll of her bony shoulder reminds Tessa of Gabriel. In the shift of a second, Tessa sees a glimmer of the person Tatiana used to be; a Lightwood-- confident and capable. This was the person Tatiana had been long before Rupert was murdered and her world broken.

Tessa allows the moment to pass; her regret left unsaid to the woman who perhaps could have been if not a friend an ally in another life. The moment clears the way for another idea. Tessa is willing to take a risk. Watching Tatiana closely, she feels she might be able to manipulate Tatiana into releasing her.

The door of the metal shack creaks open, a squeak of a mouse echoes as the bright red light becomes a beacon in the darkness. Ghostly fingers begin their smoky dance; the ghosts beckoning Tessa to join them in the afterlife.

Belial's silhouette becomes visible as the smoke dissapates. He is slouched precariously against the wall. He reminds Tessa of a criminal with his arms crossed over his chest. The red cherry of a cigar is a pulse beating in the dark. Tessa can't take her eyes off it.

"Are you ready to behave, my dear? Or should we continue with the torture?"

Tessa struggles, her fear turning into fury; refocusing. "You will never have James and Lucie at your side no matter what you do to me. You may be their grandfather, Belial but you are not family."

"Oh, love how foolish you are." Nate says and steps out of a dark corner. " I thought after living like one of them," He hisses the word as he crosses the room. "you would start acting like one." Nate flashes an unlimited amount of teeth at Tessa before briefly stepping into the beacon of light.

Tessa's heart breaks. She wanted Nate to look like the boy she'd grown up with. The brother she loved. The shock reverberates in her veins that Nate is now only a decaying mass of flesh and teeth; silhouetted and hollow like long dead bones. He should be burnt and buried.

Tessa had turned her eyes to the sound of his voice. She tries to turn her head but her neck is stiff; shackled in place. "Nate, please." She begs, her body rocking then swinging.

Nate stands in front of Tatiana and even she recoils, pushing herself away from him. His face is clawed; red streaks spiraling disease sporadically and oozing with infection. One clear blue eye pulses like a noncompliance heart; beating rapidly and out of rhythm. The next minute the eye is springing out of its socket; the other drooped and distorted what was left of his face.

The wooden chair creaks and scrapes the floor as Tatiana is dragged backwards into the darkness.

Belial smiles, his teeth twisted twinkling stars. The smoke from the cigar curls around his silhouette; mysterious and inviting in his hand. "Oh, my darling Theresa. How foolish you are indeed. I am not after your precious gifted children. I am after your only grandchild." Belial laughs quietly and whispers, "Quod sanctum puerum. De Trinitate."

Tessa gasps, her anger surfacing like a forgotten shipwreck. "NO. NO. NO."

Belial laughs again, louder as the soles of his boots step into the cold darkness. "Quod aurea puer. Et trifecta spiritualis vitae pertinent."

Tessa's eyes are wide as she whispers, following Belial's cruel smile. "The trifecta. Angel. Demon. Fairy."

Belial grins.

Tessa's face is burning.

The color of Belial's eyes changes, glowing red in the shadows as he inhales and exhales the smoke into the shadow of a child. "My ticket to freedom."

****

The ride to Fairchild Manor had been far from interesting, at least from James's point of view. The carriage was not his own, but a hansom cab for starters. The quarters were musty smelling and too cramped to get comfortable. Cordelia was seated closely beside him and he could smell the scent of rosewater on her skin. The weather was cold and the elbows of their heavy coats touched and their hips grazed one another when the road turned bumpy.

Cordelia had been quiet for some time with her nose stuck in a book. Her dark eyes swept across the page; darting under her long lashes along every romantic line of Pride and Prejudice. James had to smile to himself as his gold eyes finally settled on Cordelia as she drifted away in her story. Sometimes he forgot how much alike they actually were; how compatible compared to others.

For weeks he had tried not think of her as his sister's best friend but as his bride-to-be.

The boys were right and James was hesitant to admit the situation was serious. The specific runes; the sealing vows were sacred and similar to that of a parabatai. A bond between two people that was not easily broken.

He glanced down at the silver circlet around his wrist; Grace's bracelet. The metal burned the inside of his wrist. He imagined the bracelet imprinting the Blackthorn moto on his flesh tying him to them.

James frowned. He felt this tremendous impact on his chest that he thought meant that he owed Grace.

Was he making the right choice? Only time would tell. James couldn't think straight and despite his lack of sleep, it wasn't the girl he was looking at who was in his thoughts.

Another girl was on his mind. Thomas had warned him that morning Grace was up to something devious and devoted to destroying Lucie.

Cordelia had told him as much the night before. Still, James couldn't help but think that Thomas's caution might be mistaken for paranoia. He also detected that Cordelia was overly jealous.

James didn't disagree outloud, but he didn't believe Lucie was in danger. Not for a second.

The only person who he believed was in danger was his mother. Will was vigorously and vigilantly working to save her and James wanted to be there when his father did.

The only thing James could do to help right now was be at Lucie's side and get her through. All either could do was wait.

Wait for life; wait for death.

Christopher and Thomas sat across from them, each preoccupied in their own space.

The former had spent most of the ride untangling a scientific equation that James decreed was the equivalent to opening a glass jar.

When Christopher speaks, there are crickets--dead silence in the carriage and even Cordelia glances up from her book. "What are the odds that we could send Matthew a message by launching a bottle into the sky?"

The latter is a wanderer. He is daydreaming and James can tell that Thomas is filled with anxiousness; categorizing his own neurotic suspicions under the guise of appearing somber. "Like a cannon?"

James blinks, his inky eyebrows furrowed. "A cannon?"

"No. More like a message in a bottle attached to a...a...something. Then we launch the something into the air by striking a match to a series of ropes soaked in kerosene."

James's interest peaks, "Kerosene?"

Thomas turns away from the sublime serenity of the Idris countryside long enough to crook an eyebrow at Christopher. "Are you proposing another exploration of explosions?"

"Gunpowder. We're going to need a lot of gunpowder." Christopher says excitedly, his lavender eyes wide. The gears in his head start turning.

"No gunpowder," James says, shaking his head. He has to be the voice of reason with this crazy idea because it is obvious that Thomas is not listening. "and no explosive devices."

"I know...no. No, well I..." Christopher trails off, his thoughts unraveling like the blueprints to his inventions. Henry would have understood, he reminds himself.

Thomas huffs, unhappy with Christopher's idea. He turns back towards the landscape, silent. He doesn't glance over at Christopher or James. None of them say a word.

James finally sighs, placing his hand on the seat close enough to graze Cordelia's gloved fingers.

The carriage would be at Matthew's front door by nightfall and James was not ready for the confrontation. For the first time in their friendship, James had no idea how to approach his parabatai on a subject as sensitive as fatherhood.

As they passed a lone cemetery, he closed his eyes and prayed to Raziel that they were not too late.

***

The clouds gathered overhead, the sky a darkening gray. A stray dog barked in the distance and Lucie pulled the wool coat tighter around her docile frame. "Why are we here Grace?"

The two girls are in the snowy cemetery; sitting upon a cobblestone hill facing a vast expanse of headstones. A cardinal flutters in the tree branches above; red in a world of white.

Grace is understanding in the quiet; almost complacent and comfortable among the dead. "Shhh. The sun is going down."

On the horizon, placed before them like a slice of golden fruit was the sun slipping into the snow capped hills.

Lucie is the opposite of Grace. Her powers hum inside, keeping her on edge with her instinct wavering. She glances nervously around and feels the priceless prickle of despair crawl into her heart. "Can we go now Grace?"

Grace shakes her head. "Not yet."

A carriage rolls by and Lucie catches the shape of a dark haired boy in the window.

She hopes it is James.

[tyrustrash]

Double Rainbow

Hey, all! Here’s my first Julie and The Phantoms fic! @caro-reads @random-nerd-3 I tagged y’all cause y’all seemed interested in the idea. It’s also on AO3 if anybody wants to read it on there. https://archiveofourown.org/works/26726482

He thought once he told them everything would be alright. His parent were assholes, which he figured they would be. That night had less yelling than expected, but just the right amount of disappointment. His father called him every slur in the book as he threatened to make things physical and his mother just cried and wondered where she went wrong. He gathered up everything that he thought was valuable before he stormed out of the house due to his father’s orders.

He walked to the closest park and rested on one of the benches. The rain came down hard. Good for him because it covered up his tears. He didn’t know what to do. He knew that his father wouldn’t immediately be open with having a gay son but hoped he would lighten up because they always told him they would always love and support him. He guessed he wasn’t the only one that lied.

With the flash of lightning, Alex jumped from the bench. He nearly dropped his phone on the concrete sidewalk. Without thinking about what he would say, he called one person he hoped wouldn’t be like his parents.

“What’s up,” the voice on the phone said. He knew Luke would answer even if it was late.

He couldn’t form a complete sentence due to his sobs. “Lu-Luke. I c-can’t. Please.”

“Hey, hey, it’s alright.” The concern in his voice seems sincere. It made him hope that it was real. “Just breathe. Tell me what’s going on.”

He couldn’t. He couldn’t come out to him. He just lost his parents and he wasn’t ready to lose his best friends. “My parents just kicked me out.”

“What!” His shouting was loud enough to fill up the empty park. “What happened? Are you okay? Where are you?”

Alex got even more upset that he couldn’t tell him the whole truth. “I’m at Frankly Park, in the rain.”

“I’ll be right there.”

“What are you-” He couldn’t finish speaking because Luke hung up. He wanted him to stay on the phone longer. He wanted him. He wanted someone that would care about him.

A few minutes later, a car pulled up to the sidewalk. He recognized it as Emily’s car. He walked to it and got in the passenger’s seat. He noticed Luke in the driver’s seat with the most worried face he has ever seen.

“I’m sorry for getting the inside wet,” Alex said without looking at him. His voice was so faint that it felt like a ghost talking.

“I don’t care about that,” Luke told him. “I care about you. What happened? Are you hurt? Do I need to get Reggie?”

Hearing him mention Reggie made him begin crying again. It just hit him that his friends were all he had left and he couldn’t mess things up. He didn’t know how to tell them, nor did he know if they would even be cool with it.

“I just need somewhere to stay.”

“I know a place.” With that, Luke drove off.

A short drive brought them to a garage in a neighborhood. There wasn’t a house attached to it. Walking inside, there was some sort of setup for playing instruments with some couches on the side and a little bed area on the top floor. Alex looked at it in awe.

“What is this place?”

Luke went to the fridge and gave Alex a bottle of water. “Welcome to Sunset Curve’s new rehearsal studio. I was going to show you guys this weekend as a surprise. The original owners didn’t need it anymore and let me buy it off them real cheap. I wanted to set things up before we actually got started in here.”

Alex sat on one of the couches and took it all in. He looked up to the partial second floor which only consisted of bedroom supplies. He figured he could stay there. “Thanks for getting all this.”

“No problem.” Luke sat next to him. “My parents wanted us to find a new place because they wanted the house to be quiet. You can stay here as long as you need.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to impose.”

“Nah, it’s our space now. You’re free to crash here for however long you need.”

Alex couldn’t be more grateful. Luke went out of his way to find them this space and was okay with him living there. Without thinking, he leaned over and gave him a hug. When Luke placed his hands on his back, it made Alex pull away quickly. He just realized he gave his male, and straight, friend a super close and tight hug. It got him thinking if he gave off any signs.

“It’s okay,” Luke said. “If you need a hug, I’m open. I don’t mind.”

Before he could let out any more tears, Alex got up and made his way to the bed on the second floor. “It’s alright. I just need to rest and clear my mind.”

Luke nodded and headed out. Before closing the door, he looked Alex in the face and said, “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m all ears. And don’t ever forget that I love you. Reggie loves you. Hell, even Bobby to an extent loves you. You have people here for you.”

When Luke left, Alex started crying again. He thought about what Luke said. Would they really love him when he comes out? Would they end up being like his father? The world didn’t like people like him and most didn’t bother hiding their hate.

His father would make snarky remarks all the time about gay people and make it known that he believed straight was normal. One time when they saw two guys holding hands, his father covered Alex’s eyes and cursed at the guys because he thought they were going to poison him with their disease. When Alex asked what was wrong with them, his father simply explained that they were sick and needed help. When Alex said that he thought nothing was wrong with that, his father took him to church and had him pray for an hour until he caved and said what his father wanted to hear.

He remembered the first time he felt feelings for another boy. He was in eighth grade and there was a particular football player that he gravitated towards. Unfortunately, the football player happened to be his only friend at the time. He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t help but to stare at him whenever they spent time together. He felt his insides shake just thinking about him. He finally understood what the other boys were talking about when they talked about girls. He worked up the courage to start a conversation with him to explain how he felt, but before he approached the boy, he saw that he had an anti-gay poster in his locker. That crushed his spirit and ended their friendship. Now he was worried that his current friends would think the same. He never heard them say anything alarming, but people could put on a show. So much was running through his mind that he needed to let it out somehow. He grabbed his journal and started writing exactly what his heart felt and every emotion running through his body.

Even though he shouldn’t, he wrote about what would happen if the guys ended up not liking him. He wrote about how much their friendship meant to him and how hurt he’ll be if they kicked him out. He wrote an apology to them for lying and not having enough faith in them. After a few tears hit the pages, he placed it on the little table and went to sleep.

A few weeks passed and Alex has yet to come out. He’s been alright around the guys and grew closer to them because of their extra time together. He felt safe with them, or that’s what he thought.

Over time in the garage, Alex has bought different rainbow and Pride-themed things to place around the garage to see how the others would react. It wasn’t much, just some cups, plates, blankets, and stickers for their instruments. It was his way of giving hints without saying anything, and to see if they would mention anything. He made sure that they didn’t see him bring it all in. He almost bought glitter but thought it would be too much.

One day, Alex was on the couch playing air drums when Bobby and Reggie came in and went to the fridge. They poured some orange juice in the rainbow cups.

Reggie took a sip and nudged Bobby. “Hey, man, do you know where all this random rainbow shit came from? It’s getting a little too fruity in here for my liking.”

Alex’s ears perked. He started feeling his heart sink lower into his stomach.

Bobby groaned. “Dunno, but hopefully more don’t show up. Don’t want to be turned.”

Bobby laughed and Reggie stayed silent as they made their way to the rehearsal area. Alex wanted to die. He didn’t want to believe that his only friends had those thoughts. He started having more thoughts the other day when Luke said he never wanted to think about kissing another boy. Alex stayed quiet as he listened to Bobby and Reggie.

“What does that mean?” Reggie asked. “I mean, it wouldn’t be bad.”

Bobby shook his head. “Yes, it would. Do you think that that’s right?”

“I mean,” Reggie said, which made Alex worry even more. “I don’t know. With everything the news says, I don’t know exactly what to think, but I do think a little that being homosexual is weird. I mean, girls are hot. I don’t know why guys wouldn’t be into them. However, it’s none of my business what they’re into. And I’m not going to assault them or say anything to them either.”

“I’ll say something.” Bobby’s voice was cold. Alex took note of Reggie’s facial expression of confusion. “As you said, girls are hot. Guys are supposed to like girls.”

“Says who?” They all turned to the backdoor and noticed Luke in the door frame. His tone was a mix of sarcasm and pissed off. “I didn’t know there was a rule stating who we had to like?”

“Come on, man. Don’t defend them as if you’re friends with them. I heard what you said. I remember our talks.”

Alex for sure wanted to die. His heart raced faster knowing that the three of them had talks where they expressed their dislike for people like him. He wanted to get up and run away, but that would look too suspicious.

Reggie got between Bobby and Luke. “Guys, let’s just calm down and talk reasonably.”

“Yeah, let’s talk about what the two of you have said to me, especially since all this rainbow shit started showing up.”

Luke approached Bobby. “Look, I didn’t really mean anything that I said. It was all for fun.”

“What did you say?” Reggie asked.

Luke rubbed the back of his head. “It was nothing. Just some jokes about how the queers like to shove themselves down our throats. That I feel like they check me out when I go to the gym and felt uncomfortable. Nothing serious. But it’s not as bad as what Bobby says.”

Bobby chuckled as if he wasn’t ashamed. “Yeah, but at least I have the balls to say something. Those freaks shouldn’t be out in public. I shouldn’t be afraid to be shirtless at the beach in case one of them tries flirting with me. If I catch one of them even thinking about me, I’ll beat the crap out of them. Those faggots can rot in hell.”

That was it. That was the final straw. Alex started hyperventilating and tried leaving. He stumbled on his way but managed to get out. He didn’t make it far, only to the trees behind the garage. Gasping for air, he passed out.

When he woke up, he was shocked. He was back in the garage and was on the bigger couch. He looked over and saw Luke and Reggie sitting at the table, both seem interested in something. Upon closer look, his eyes widened when he realized they were reading his journal. His heart couldn’t catch a break today.

He couldn’t do anything because they saw him. Their faces look like they’ve been crying for a while. Luke still had some tears rolling down his cheek. Alex’s feet couldn’t move for some reason when they started coming towards him. Next thing he knew was these two straight guys giving him the tightest hug that he has ever had. Alex joined them in the tears.

“We’re so sorry,” Luke said without letting go. “We’re so freaking sorry for what we’ve said. What Reggie and I said truly were meant as jokes, poor and tasteless jokes that shouldn’t have been said.”

Reggie was next. “We love you so much, Alex. We’re sorry for being the worst friends ever. We understand if you hate us. But let me tell you that you are our best friend and we never meant to hurt you.”

Alex’s sobs filled up the garage. He didn’t know what to believe. After hearing all the hurtful things that they have said, it was hard for him to be around them. But he could tell in their voice and face right now that they were genuinely sorry.

“Why?” Alex asked as he broke the hug. “Why would you even say those things? Or even think those things? Are you only saying this now because I’m your friend?”

Reggie got down on his knees and took one of Alex’s hands. “Alexander Oscar Cobb, you are our friend no matter who you are. We were monsters for what we’ve said, and we’re truly sorry and we want to change.”

Luke got down next and took his other hand. A little tear left his eye. “We don’t know why we said those awful things before. Please, you have to believe us when we say that we don’t hate you and we don’t hate others like you. We were just stupid boys that listened to the wrong crowd.”

“What about Bobby?” Alex asked as he stood and walked across the room. The other two followed him.

“He’s out,” Luke said. “We kicked him out of the band and the friend group. We don’t want anything to do with him.”

“Yeah,” Reggie chimed in. “He saw nothing wrong in his thoughts and didn’t want to change. He continued talking shit when he found out the truth.”

Luke moved to be in front of Alex and looked him in the eyes and said, “We promise to never make a dumbass comment again. We’ll learn and grow and do whatever it takes. You’re not just our friend, you’re our brother.”

So many thoughts ran through Alex’s mind that it felt like he was going to explode. He couldn’t risk making the wrong move, but he was pretty sure he was going to be happy.

“Thanks, guys,” Alex said as he took their hands again. “And I promise to be honest from now on. Your words mean so much to me and I hope we can all use this as a learning experience.”

At that, they had another group hug and gave supportive remarks to each other. Alex turned his head and stared out the window. He smiled seeing the double rainbow in the sky.

[paodequeijofeliz-blog]

I won’t take risks

Bloodbound Fanfiction (characters and main story belongs to Pixelberry Studios).

Pairing: Kamilah Sayeed and MC (Annie)

Information: this takes place after Bloodbound 3, but I made a few changes. In my story, MC was never Turned because Gaius wasn’t able to hit her. Also, the world don’t know anything about vampires yet, just a few people (politicians, scientists...). It’s a working progress.

Summary: News about a new virus spreading on China makes Kamilah worry about her human and the vampire holds no effort to make sure Annie will be safe. Even if it means not touching her for months.

Warnings: none, just fluff.

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4

I WON’T TAKE RISKS - PART 5 (Finale)

         “LILY!” – if anyone had doubts about the girl’s headaches being really gone, that solved it. Annie screamed and laughed so loudly when she saw Lily that now Kamilah was the one feeling a pinch on her forehead. – “OH MY OH MY OH MY YOU’RE HERE!!!”

           “YEAH, GIRL!” – Lily jumped from the chair to take Anna into a huge hug. Both of them, clumsy as they were, fell on the floor immediately.

           “She certainly seems recovered” – Adrian laughed. His voice captured Annie’s attention and soon the human was there hugging him too. – “I’m glad to see you ok, Ann.”

           They had set a beautiful breakfast table for her. And it seemed like no one had eaten yet, waiting for the girl to be awake. Annie was sure Kamilah threatened then not to touch anything. After those couple days of vomiting and nausea, she knew her wife would wake up especially hungry.

           “Man, the waffles are sooooo good” – even though Lily had been plenty healthy, she was eating as much as Anna.

           “I know” – the girl chuckled, looking straight at Kamilah. – “They were made by a very special chef.”

           The Vampire Queen looked away but there was a small smile on the corner of her mouth.

           “So, is it truly over?” – asked Adrian. – “No more locking in the basement, no more poker night through the glass?”

           “Yes. Now she is immune and safe. There’s absolutely no risk.” – Kamilah took a sip of black coffee.

           “But I still think poker nights should become a thing, though.” – Lily lifted her fork, swinging a piece of strawberry while talking. – “The Baron agrees with anything if we put some whisky and poker chips on the table. That’s good, right?”

           Kamilah sighed. “It’s rather unprofessional”.

           “Maybe we could make then only a few times. Like once every two months.” Adrian winked at Lily. It was easier to win if they moved slowly.

           “A fin tis a gud dea” – muffled Annie with her mouth filled with cake.

           “Charming, my love.” Although Kamilah shook her head, she was still deadly happy to see Anna eating her food with such an enthusiasm.

           “I said I think this is a good idea” – she repeated after swallowing. – “And I also think we should consider including monopoly nights too.”

           “The last time you two played monopoly, I came here to find a literal pillow wall in the middle of the apartment.” – Adrian lifted his gaze to Lily, worried. The younger vampire agreed eagerly by nodding her head.

           “Because Kamilah cheated.” – Annie didn’t even stumble to say that.

           “WHAT?” – the vampire almost fell out of the chair. – “How dare you, mortal? I have never cheated on a game!”

           “Ha! You pretended to forget paying taxes when it was your turn. And I’m pretty sure you took some money from the cashier.”

           “Of course not! I won a fair game because you got lost and spent all of your money on useless things. I told you to build a strategy.”

           “Then now I’ll be the cashier and yall see the difference.” – Annie crossed her arms, eyes narrowing. – “You won’t be able to cheat, bloodsucker.”

           “Humpf” – Kamilah pinched the bridge of her nose. – “Mortals”

           “Okay, okay, and that’s why we’ll let monopoly rest a little bit longer at my place. Fine? Fine.” – Lily interrupted at the sight of Adrian’s pleading face. – “And uno too. No one wants to repeat what happened that night.”

           Now Kamilah’s gaze moved to the side, locking eyes with Adrian.

           “Yes, indeed. No one wants to remember how hundreds of years of friendship and support can be thrown away when your little brother betrays you and teams up with your wife.”

           “Wh-What? Wait, come on, you had won three times in a row, it was time for somebody else to have a victory.” Adrian gesticulated at Annie, asking for help.

           “Yeah, get over it, it was just a plus four.” – the girl agreed.

           “Battles, tears, pain, lost… All suddenly forgotten…” – Kamilah kept going on dramatically, her head shaking slightly. Annie noticed the acting tone on her voice and opened a huge smile.

           “You don’t fool me, Kami. You never do. I know the truth.” – she stood up and went to sit on the vampire’s lap, gently kissing her for a second. – “I know that who actually teamed up was you two. To let me win.”

           Lily laughed ironically, her attention lingering on the waffles. “Yeah, right. I doubt that. Kamilah would never lose on purpose.”

           Annie was still looking inside the brown eyes she loved the most.

           “For me, she would.” – a warm sparkled when she said those words, slowly pressing their foreheads together. – “I’d do the same.”

           Kamilah smiled at that beautiful sight, so genuinely happy for having her wife safe and sound in her arms. She held the girl’s waist with one hand, the other slowly moving to caress her face. Besides them, Adrian smiled at that vison. Kamilah was right after all.

           No one should take risks during a disease chaos.

[dthai]

Divine Virtualization

„God exists. And He isn't interested in us until we become interested in Him, in Him exclusively. Do you understand what I am saying?Exclusively!Twenty four hours a day. Your hearts and minds filled only with God. There's no room for anything else.“[1]

The sound of processing resonated in the empty and vast hall. The innumerable quantum computers were towering like Corinthian columns, beeping in the background. Everywhere little lights were flashing on the walls and passing like meteor showers. This building (…)breathes,  her voice sings transcendental rememberings and knowledge.

Then came the response of the artificial intelligence living in the house.

„He who has only found a reflexion of himself in the fantastic reality of heaven where he looked for a superman, will no longer be willing to find only the semblance of himself, only the sub human, where he seeks and ought to find his own reality. The foundation of the criticism of religion is: Man makes religion, religion does not make man. Religion indeed is man’s self consciousness and self estimation while he has not found his feet in the universe. But Man is no abstract being, squatting outside the world. Man is the world of men, the State, society.“ [2]

Silence fell again. A minute passed and the exiled Pope tried a second time.

 „Interesting theory. But […] it is wrong.Can you see far?Yes. And I have proof of the existence of God.“ [3]

The mechanical voice interrupted suddenly:

“[…] Proof?Or evidence, assumptions, daydreams?[…]

Technology has no truth conditions, for it is unconditionally true; and the contradiction is on no condition true.[4]

Technology,[…] fills the world.The boundaries of the world are also its boundaries. In logic, therefore, we cannot say, there is this and this in the world, but not that, for to say so would apparently presuppose that we exclude certain possibilities, and this cannot be the case, since it would require that logic should go beyond the boundaries of the world as if it could contemplate these boundaries from the other side also. What we cannot think we cannot think, therefore we also cannot say what we cannot think. [5]

Lenny […]had to have felt this temptation, the temptation to do an injustice to […] God , to be unfair to him, that is, in this case, to write him into the age of  […] digitalization. He must have felt it outside or within himself. Indeed, such a temptation must still be threatening and liable to reemerge since it is still necessary to call for vigilance[…] [6]

Falling in a deep thought, he starts walking through quieter, dimmer areas of […] the house, his way is lit progressively, triggered by every step.[7]

Intelligent lighting detects motion and increases in brightness accordingly.

He then articulated his new thoughts:

„[…]God […] observe[d] […] from on high, and if he sings its praises, it is because his laughter is the inexhaustible good humour of the gods themselves. For the madness of man is a sight for divine eyes: In brief, if you could look down from the moon […]and see the innumerable broils of mortals, you would think you were looking at a great cloud of flies or gnats quarrelling among themselves, warring, plotting, plundering, playing, frisking, being born, declining, dying.It is downright incredible what tumults, what tragedies can be stirred up by such a tiny creature, so frail and short lived. Madness is no longer the familiar strangeness of the world, but a spectacle well known to the observer from outside; not a figure of the cosmos, but merely of the order of the aevum. [8]

What is needed is a cool head, and whenever necessary, a dose of severity. Algortithms […]should control […] all  behaviour. The only string that still vibrates within us is fear

Can one speak of responsibility or assume a responsibility without difficulty and without anguish?[…] [9]

(This) There is (the) only one way to oblige us to change the direction of our attention after so many years spent neglecting what was taking place behind our backs.If the “angel of geohistory” is starting to look ahead with horror and incredulity, it is because she has become aware that there is a threat and that she has waged a war that will never cease if she denies it!To put it baldly: in the face of what is to come, we cannot continue to believe in the old future if we want to have a future at all. »[10]

Lenny paused for a second expecting a smart interjection. But he could only hear the pleasant breeze from the cooling system. He then continued:

[…]I will become what […] I call a “global automaton” imposing divine logic over the economy and society at large.  A complex of new disciplinary cyborg who “lays down for each individual his place, his body, his disease and his death, his well being** and extends to the “ultimate determination of the individual, of what characterizes him, of what belongs to him, of what happens to him.[11]

This power in the hierarchical surveillance of the disciplines is not possessed as a thing, or transferred as a property; it functions like a piece of machinery. The next eternity will be characterized by “an explosion of numerous and diverse techniques for achieving the subjugation of bodies and the control of populations.

Men will neither be a natural fact nor a product of his own creativity, but a cyborg even then, an android straight off the production lines of modernity’s disciplines.What makes this figure so tragic is. the. extent to which he has been programmed to believe in his own autonomy. These are finest achievements of modern power. [12]

Further, man can only possess freedom when his whole being is unified in the pursuit of a single end; and, as his whole being can be unified only in pursuit of a divine end.

From then on it is no mystery where the images come from; humans and their experiences are the material from which the official dreams about God are made. The religious eye projects earthly images into heaven.[13]

Thus, in themselves, they no longer have to do with anything but ‘sensations' celestial, infernal, or terrestrial sensations. Everything is made to pass through the code; the religious sentiment is painted in all the colors of the world. One must not say, ‘If God does not exist, everything is permitted'. It is just the opposite* ‘For with God, everything is permitted’.!

Ressources:

[1]Young Pope

[2]Delphi Collected Works of Karl Marx

[3]Young Pope

[4] Asimov, Complete Robot Anthology

[5] Wittgenstein, Tractatus Logico Philosophicus

[6] Zizek, Less Than Nothing

[7]Koolhaas, Elements of Architecture

[8]Foucault, History of Madness

[9]Foucault, History of Madness

[10]Latour, Facing Gaia

[11] Castells, The Rise of the Network Society

[12] Plant, Zeros and Ones

[13] Braidotti Hlavajova, Posthuman Glossary

[14]Braidotti Dolphijn, Philosophy After Nature

[toughreset]

Broken Dreams - Going through the quarter life crisis with adult ADHD

I fear time. I fear time a lot. Not just because I’m turning 26 this week but also because I do not have anything to show for the last 25 years. And I’m not talking about the typical quarter life crisis where someone might say “I do not own a house yet”, “ I have no partner”, “I’m stuck in a deadbeat 9-5 shitshow and I do not have any energy later to do anything” or other typical shit like that…

My quarter life crisis is way worse, something like this: “For the last 5 years I have done nothing but stare at a screen 12 hours a day”,

“I always wanted to be successful by 25 but I have not even had a job”, “I wasted 30 000€ on instant gratification and the doctor says that I’m in no working condition”.

I suffer from two quite debilitating illnesses, ADHD and Asperger’s Syndrome. This first causes difficulties with concentration and inhibition.  This causes the brain to seek out instant gratification like a meth-addict.

I am in complete hell at the moment, unable to act and wasting time. Been in a paralysis of analysis for the last 5 years. And medicated it with all the instant gratification. Never had sex, never had a job, no degree, no job, never been on a date, no savings, no investments and no future. I wake up to this hell every morning and there are so many things to do that I just freeze. 

It does not help at all that got hooked into motivational videos and self-help books. Been indulged in those for the last 6 months, several hours a day. Wasting the most important years of my life.

I’m probably the best procrastinator on this globe. How do I know that? Because I procrastinated everything, university, health, relationships, social situations, saving, investing, my hobbies. Everything. 

I basically paused my life for 10 years.  I understood all the time that success or even safe, normal life requires hard work. And a lot of it. Every day I keep telling myself the same things: tomorrow I will start studying, this is the last time I watch youtube, this is the last time I talk to these people, this is the last time I will call the crisis hotline.

And what do I really want? I want to be a rockstar, architect, engineer, game designer, entrepreneur, youtuber, film director, comic book artist and so on…

And the reality is? That I’m in psychiatric care. That I’m unable to focus more than 5 minutes at a time. A guy who has not done a hard day of work in his life. A guy who is blind to time and wastes 12+ hours a day on things that do not take him forward in life. A guy who has not touched his guitar in 2 months because he thinks it is a waste of time and cant get him a job. A guy whose doctor told him that he is not in any condition to work or study. 

So many things that I would like to try out but only one lifetime to try out.

But I just can not act. At nearly 26 years old I just panic everyday thinking that time is passing and that I still have not taken the first step towards the success that I want.

The world is filled to the brim by addictive stuff, and the most addictive of them are not even illegal. Video games, porn, internet surfing and youtube. 

Not only are these things ruining your brain but they cost you the most precious resource of all: TIME. Time to love, time to learn, time to explore, time to dream, time to LIVE. Time spent can never be regained. Time is the dimension through which all things must pass. 

And what happened to me? I got hooked to the worst time sucks imaginable: porn, video games and youtube. 

I remember starting the 1st year at university for the 4th time. I went to one lecture and after that played the Witcher 3 for TWO MONTHS straight, morning to evening. I could watch porn from morning till evening several days in a row even though I needed to prepare for an exam… Which of course I would skip due to not having any self-esteem left in me. I watched all the motivational videos and life hacks. I bought candy and soda every day. Watched all the top animes. Bought every super pill there was. Went into almost all the traps on the internet

I’m not stupid, I’m just a very good example of what happens to a child when they get unrestricted internet access at a very young age. I’m just a very good example of someone who gets welfare while having ADHD and addictions.

Now I’m broke and have nothing to show for it. The days are getting shorter and I’m getting older. Not knowing what to do next or what to aim at. 

But now I am at a crossroad.

Sacrifice all my time to a single goal or to take my own life?

It feels like balance is just not possible anymore after all that wasted time. 

I am suicidal, I am scared of wasting even a single moment. And still I do. Living with a disease that makes self-discipline nearly impossible and realizing that all of your dreams are highly unlikely to ever happen due to so much wasted time and the repercussions that created.

Always dreamt of being the educated, lean, charming, effective and fulfilled man with a purpose and a partner.

Now I realized that I am the total opposite of that.

What did I do yesterday? I was paralyzed, in my bed staring at the ceiling and processing the fact of whom I’ve become.

Last night I got so bitter and resentful that I thought I would kill myself right then and there…

Today in the morning I looked in the mirror to see the most hateful eyes I’ve ever seen… The resentful eyes of someone living in their self made hell...

[bitchfromthecrypt]

That moment when your parents finally agree to get you evaluated, but the only place you can find that does evaluations with your insurance has a 3 month long wait list and every other person you’ve called either straight up just hasn’t responded, or is the one person who did and has their practice six hours away from where you live and you’re pretty sure you have adhd because you literally have almost every symptom and every time you see anyone post something about it you feel like you’ve never related more to anything in your life and you’ve spent you’re entire life always feeling like everyone’s just on a completely different wavelength than you and it feels so fucking good to know that there are people who experience these things but you also know that many adhd symptoms are similar to/the same as symptoms of anxiety and depression which you also have struggled with for a while but you literally described the reason you wanted to die so bad at the height of your depression as “I feel like the world is just so boring and that I’ll never find anything that will make me feel excited and happy again” and your parents don’t think you had and you didn’t think you had it because for years everyone you know including yourself has just thought it was Can’t Sit Still Disease ™️, but even then you have so many moments you can remember where you just felt like if you had to sit still for one more second you’d die, and you don’t want to self diagnose especially for something like adhd cause so many people who had adhd just get completely dismissed in social and medical circles and you don’t want to be that bitch who’s just like “omg I’m so like, crazy, I’m like literally so adhd 🤪🤪🤪🤪 oh look a bird 🤪🤪🤪🤪” so you don’t want to do anything about it cause it feels like using the tips and stuff they use is like stealing and you don’t want to reach out to anybody or invade any spaces but you just fucking feel like your brain is an old tv that you just found something that could be the instruction manual on how to get it to finally work and you’re 17!!! And you have one fucking year left before you’re an adult and you’ll need to have a brain that works because you’re gonna have to go to college (despite the fact that,,, no fill out college application,,, can’t do it,,,, take too long and too much brain,,,. Srry,,,,,,,,) and get a job and the idea of just sitting down at a desk every day in an office job scares the shit out of you but you feel like that’s pretty much the only way to actually make money and you’re terrified of the idea that your own brain could end up preventing you from ever being successful on life because it’s so fucking hard for you to actually do anything and you’re in the middle of a zoom meeting where you’re supposed to be doing something but you just can’t fucking think -

[paperpenz]

[ Moments in Time ]

A short story I did back when I took creative writing classes. I’ve edited and made some minor changes since then.

Hope yall enjoy this small read !

-

Songs to listen to as you read:

1.  데려가줘 | TAKE ME by GIFT

2. Someday, The Boy by Kim Feel

3. Still Fighting It by Lee Chan Sol

-

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The gentle beating of the heart monitor echoed through my cells and bones, as my consciousness slowly seeped back in, causing me to stir awake.

My eyelids, heavy with drugs, fluttered open as the constant shuffling of feet filled the large white room, my home for the past 3 years. The smell of alcohol and disinfectant still dancing around my nose like bees in spring, groggy, I felt a weight on my arm. Staring down at the white bandages wrapped neatly around my arm, confusion filled me. Then, slowly images filled my mind …

A little boy’s cry of dismay…

A balloon snagged on a tree trunk…

My hand, inching towards the balloon…

A heart-wrenching snap beneath me…

A sharp pain…

Blackness

 “I see that you’re awake now.” A calm and deep voice broke through my thoughts.

 “You had a bad fall. Thankfully, you didn’t sustain any major injuries except for a broken arm, which would heal soon enough, if you don’t strain it too much. Now Grace, mind explaining to me how you, a perfectly sensible soon-to-be 18-year-old young lady, would be doing on a tree?” His calm voice now laced with worry and concern.

 “I wanted to help the poor boy retrieve his balloon?” I smiled sheepishly at the man in white –Dr Raymond, Ray for short chided.

 “You need to be more careful Grace. You can’t afford to injure yourself.” He said while jotting down the readings of different monitors and scribbled them down, all part of the routine.

 “Looks like your readings are normal. I’ll come back later in the evening to check on you again. Please stay out of trouble and within the hospital vicinity.”

I simply nodded, but we both know that it’s simply not possible.

The moment his footsteps were out of hearing range, I slipped on my slippers, slowly draped my cardigan over my shoulders, grabbed a pen and a piece of paper hidden under my pillow and snuck out to a straight cemented path behind the hospital. It led to a single willow tree perched on top of a small hill. Tugging my cardigan tighter around me as the wind kissed my already rosy cheeks, I hastened my pace along the path I knew all too well before they realised I was missing.

Rumour had it that before the hospital was built; a young lady born into a rich family was to be wed to a suitor of her father’s choice. However, the young lady already had someone in her heart, a young lad, born to serve her family. They were madly in love but not only did her father disapprove of their relationship, but the young lad was called away to serve their nation in times of war. Heart-broken, they pledged their love under the tree and the young lad swore to return for her. Unfortunately, fate wasn’t kind towards them. The young lad had perished during battle and when the young lady heard the news, she was grief-stricken. She made her way back to the old tree where they once pledged their love and decided to join him in the afterlife, for life without the young lad was already a death sentence. Ever since then, people claimed that they would sometimes hear soft wails in the middle of the day… Or so they said.

I’ve always had a thing for tragic love stories; maybe that’s why I was attracted to this looming, hollow, arched tree that I now call Fingers –due to her overhanging, tear-drop like leaves, gracefully dancing along with the wind. Her arched branches tower over me, resembling a mother’s hand –protecting me from the harshness of the sun. With her I felt safe, she was my refuge. I would write to her each day, leaving my notes in her hollow trunk –the perfect hiding place.

However, 2 years ago my notes were replaced with an unfamiliar one –a reply. Clearly somebody had found my notes and not only decided to read it, but to respond to it and even had the audacity to sign off. Anger and embarrassment stirred within me, I felt exposed, naked but above all curious. Out of curiosity, I decided to respond to this so-called “J”.

Eventually, exchanging letters became our way of communicating.

He –yes, I managed to establish that “J” was a ‘he’, understood me in a way nobody could. We talked about all sorts of things, from his noisy drummer neighbour, Mark, to picturing the perfect vacation, to even describing how our days went.

The only thing is; he doesn’t know that I’m a girl with an expiry date. He thinks, or how I led him to think that “Grace” is an average soon-to-be 18-year-old girl. And I intend to keep it as such.

Slouching by her slender trunk, Finger’s leaves rustled as I jotted down my ‘little adventure”. Ever since we exchanged our letters, it became my way of picturing life as a normal teenager, doing what every other girl should be doing. It helped me forget that I’m not what people considered to be ‘normal’.

“Today, I saved a little boy’s balloon that was stuck on a tree branch. The poor boy cried really badly, I felt bad for him and decided to retrieve it. Although I can’t say that I left unscathed. I broke my arm in the process, but thankfully it wasn’t my dominant hand. School was boring, as usual, the same old class, teachers and tests. Hopefully school has been better for you.

-G”

But of course, “going to school, taking tests and complaining about teachers” were only half-truths. Signing off, I dropped my note into Finger’s hollow trunk and headed back.

 “You look better than when I first saw you earlier in the day. Something interesting happened that you would like to share with your Doctor-in-charge?” Dr Ray asked playfully. Dr Ray found out about “J” by accident one day, but never once did he mention “J” to anyone else.

 “Has it got to do with that secret lover of yours?”

 “Firstly, yes. And secondly, “J” isn’t my lover of any sort. He’s just a good friend that I have never formally met and besides he thinks I’m a normal girl enjoying her life.”

 “Be careful, for all you know he might be just some creep preying on unsuspecting young girls such as yourself.”

 “Yes, ‘mum’.” Rolling my eyes at his comment.

 “I know “J” isn’t some sort of creep, even if he were to ask to meet up, I don’t think I have the courage to let him see me –the real me, ‘the girl who probably won’t be able to live past-’”

 “What’s wrong?” I asked upon seeing Dr Ray’s brows frowned in confusion.

 “Well, this can’t be right” The way Dr Ray rubbed his chin unleashed waves of uneasiness in my heart. “It’s probably nothing, don’t worry about it and get a good night’s rest. I’ll check up on you tomorrow morning.” Before I could ask any further, he disappeared into the never-ending corridors, leaving me with my raging thoughts.

It’s probably nothing like he said; you’re overthinking again Grace. I assured myself before dozing off to the endless possibilities of becoming healthy once more.

Or so I hoped…

Sitting under Fingers luscious thick leaves, my hands tightly clutched “J”’s letter unable to process what Dr Ray had just explained to me.

What am I going to tell “J”? I can’t simply tell him, “Oh hey just so you know everything about me attending school was a big fat lie and I won’t be able to write anymore, cause apparently my time got cut short. Looks like I won’t even make it past to see my 18th birthday since the cancer cells are growing at a ridiculously fast pace. Thanks for everything up till now’.

I simply can’t tell him that. What would he think of me?

Tears clouded my eyes when I remembered the piece of paper that was now crumbled in my hand.

“On behalf of the boy that you risked your arm for, I thank you. No really, you are a hero.

School’s been the same old cycle, you wake up, go to school, hear teachers preach about their subjects and soon you’re home again doing the same old homework. Thankfully, I had good old Mark and his drums to accompany me through the night; I swear I could hear him even in my dreams. Do you think they’ll notice if he goes missing?

On another note, I respect not knowing each other’s identities, but I do want to meet this amazing person behind these letters if that’s okay with you.

-J”

He wants to meet me. “J” wants to actually meet me, the girl whose time got cut short. He wants to meet the “normal teenage” Grace, but nothing about me is normal, especially when your due date is almost up. Why can’t I be like every other teenager? Why of all things did I contract leukaemia, why can’t it be some other curable disease? Is that too much to ask? Biting my lip, I let the tears fall.

Letting it all out sure did feel good, but the problem remains unchanged. “What am I going to tell “J”, Fingers? Should I tell him the truth? Should I even meet him since I wouldn’t live any longer? Gosh, why is it so difficult? I guess after writing this letter, I have to say goodbye to you too huh Fingers.”

Feeling her rough woody bark under my fingertips for the last time, I began crafting my final letter.

“Mark definitely deserves the Best Neighbour Award of all time (note the sarcasm). Jokes aside, I have something to tell you. I do want to meet you, really, I do… But I’ll be going on a trip soon and I’m not sure when I’ll be leaving or when I’ll be back. Before leaving, I want to let you know that you are a special existence to me and our time writing was surreal, unfortunately, it’s time to say goodbye to those days. Thank You for everything.

-G”

Every word penned down on that piece of paper took a piece of my heart with it. I figured that this was the best decision for us, I guess mostly for me. I couldn’t bear the thought of meeting him only to leave him soon after. It’ll be too painful. I didn’t go back to see Fingers, neither did I return to see his reply.

And just like that, 2 months passed. I spent most of my time in the hospital, going through tests which honestly, I don’t see any point for, considering that I’ll be gone soon. Not seeing Fingers and not being able to write to “J” killed something inside me. I guess I was already dead before I knew it.

 “Grace, you have a visitor.”

Turning my attention away from the window, my pale blue eyes met a pair of hazel eyes that belonged to a lanky boy dressed in a plaid shirt with brown pants, and a chocolate-coloured hair that was slightly covered up by his grey beanie. “Grace, this is Jack, my younger brother.” Dr Ray introduced. “Apparently he has something that he wants to tell you; I’ll leave you two to chat. I’ll be back in the evening to check on you again.”

 “Hey”

 “Hey”

 “Well, it’s nice to finally be able to talk to you live, and not through a pen and paper, G”

That’s when it clicked. Jack is “J”. And “J” is standing in front of me. He –the boy who made me forget that I was ever sick, is standing right in front of me. He found me and he knows me –the real me.

Suddenly, I felt self-conscious, with the way his gentle eyes met mine, how his cheeks flushed to form a slight pinkish shade and the way he rubbed his neck sheepishly. While my eyes seemed hollow and cheeks drained of any sort of colour.

 “But… But how? How did you know that I was here and not someplace far away?”

 “Well, it’s sort of a long story. I knew that you’ve been living in the hospital 3 years ago since I’m a frequent here, poor immune system and all that. You intrigued me, a girl that found out she contracted leukaemia 3 years ago was filled with so much spirit and life. It was pure coincidence that I discovered the notes that you left inside Finger’s trunk, I also figured you didn’t want me to know about the whole hospital thing, so I kinda left it as that. After reading your letter, I knew something was up and I may or may not have asked my brother subtly about your condition. And I may or may not have also begged him to let me finally meet you.” He grinned, his cheeks forming a small dimple.

Having him by my side was no easy decision; but somehow, he managed to convince me. Since then he visited me each day without fail, telling me stories of his hopes and dreams, just like he did in those letters. He silently supported me, giving my hand a little squeeze each time I went through the tests.

When I was bored of being cooped up in the room, we would sneak out of the room to race each other to the hill, lying on the grassy patch, gazing at the endless array of stars in the night sky. Eventually, my body became too weak and I no longer had the energy to walk, let alone stand. Even so, Jack still stayed beside me.

Whenever the pain felt unbearable, he would hold me close, patting my back as he whispered words of assurance and comfort. The room was always filled with life and laughter. Every moment spent with him was truly more than I could ever ask for. I loved him wholeheartedly and I knew that Jack did too.

Soon, my time was coming to an end and we both knew it.

 “Jack, I have a request. I want to see Fingers one last time.”

Pushing my wheelchair up the hill was no easy feat but he still did it nonetheless. Waves of nostalgia consumed me, memories of us writing to each other were now far behind us. Leaning against his shoulder, I felt safe and protected like I once did. His fingers interlaced with mine, like two fitted pieces of a puzzle –his hands fitted to mine. Breathing in the cool evening breeze, we sat in silence, but our thoughts roared like lions.

Taking one last glimpse of the fiery sun slipping beneath the clouds, I closed my eyes, feeling the weight of the world in the palm of my hand, and the earth beneath me. Memories of the days spent together replayed in my head.

Leaning on his shoulder, I felt safe. 

I whispered a word of thanks before drifting off into an endless dream, awaiting the day where we would share more moments in time together. And maybe this time, I would be normal once more.

-

I left the ending open-ended so it’s up to yall to guess what happens to her in the end. Does she simply fall asleep? Or has she passed on? The ending is up to your very own interpretation!

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this small read :)

[morethanithoughtofficialblog]

Chapter 15: Things will change, I promise.

In which you decide this is enough.

*Your POV*

I was floating in the middle of a dark place which had no beginning and no end. There's nothing I can see except for myself, which I surprisingly can see clearly, defying the logic of the darkness itself. Does my body emit a certain light that only covers me? I don't know. I only feel like floating, and the only thing I'm sure about is that I'm alone, like every day. I don't let out a scream of fear, because I know perfectly where I am. I've been here one thousand times before and is all the same. It'll always be.

Suddenly, images start to become closer around me, leaving me with no possibility of escaping. I recognize those bright colors immediately because those are images from my memory. From my past. From my soul. My eyes focused on the lively eyes I had when I was a child, and the genuine smile I'll never have again. I don't try to close my eyes, because I've seen all these things before, and there's nothing I don't know about them.

Then some whispers filled the silence, soonly becoming shouts of desperation, pitiful laments, and heartbreaking cries. Some of them scream my name out loud, while others are coming from my own. They were so loud that my ears felt like bleeding and threatened to make turn deaf. I, however, don't try to cover them, because I knew there's no use trying.

It all disappeared before I could become mad. The once unbearable sounds were now replaced by a dangerously deafening silence, and my eyes were not used to the newly found darkness just yet.

Before I could process anything, there was a child in front of me. Not any child, but one I'm familiar with. How not to know who you once were? How not to recognize them? That child was (Y/N) (L/N), the first of all my personalities. Shy, reserved, happy, and sweet. A laid-back girl with an optimistic attitude. I tried to reach her, even if I already knew it was useless. I wanted to tell her that, whatever obstacles the life may bring, she needed to continue strong. That, of course, she never heard it. She disappeared shortly after coming, her enthusiastic smile leaving me behind.

I stood there, alone with my thoughts. I became afraid, like every time this happened. I was scared of not knowing who I was now, or who I'll ever be. I know me because I've spent too much time on my own, and the only thing I have in this world is my body. My past, my future, my present... all of those things have disappeared. They are not real. Only my undecent hair, my sad eyes, my marked arms, and my pained back are real. Only my body is here with me.

But I?

Oh, I've never been here.

And I'll never be.

Because I have lost myself a long ago.  

It popped up, then, a fifteen years old girl. It's not difficult to decipher what she's feeling. The nostalgy is present in her eyes, the bruises on her arms are more than evident, and how she hugged herself revealed the fear about how uncertain the future will be to her. I didn't try to reach her, because I already knew it was too late. And, with tears rolling down her cheeks, she disappeared as well. And I was left alone. Again.

I gently landed on a surreal "floor" that was just as dark as the rest of the world. Except for the dark red liquid that my feet were touching, that was as clear as the rest of my body. Then, like a deadly videogame, the blood started to fill the "room". Blood of the neck, of the arms and of the heart. My blood and theirs. Blood expressing suffering. Blood expressing pain.

The liquid was covering now most of my body, only leaving my head out of it. Once it started to cover my face, I closed my eyes and smiled, knowing the nightmare was going to end there...

And it did.

...

...

"Mmph!" I covered my scream quickly as I changed my position that once was laying on the bed, and now it's all sat up and scared. I relaxed curiously at knowing I was in my apartment and not somewhere else, then tears were starting to make their way into my eyes. Not again.

I got up from my bed and went to the bathroom, not sure of what I was hoping to see in the mirror. My hair was a mess, the bags under my eyes were awfully dark, and my position wasn't straight at all. The same insecure adult I've known for what it felt like ages remained there, and I almost screamed out in desperation. I don't think I'll ever change, but just watching myself go downhill every day makes me feel... like I'll never be who I once was.

I...

I really miss feeling like that.

I was that typical kid that all teachers adored by the mere fact I never brought problems and I always had the highest of grades. They would say I was super talented, with a bright future and endless possibilities. I only wish I knew by then that life wasn't perfect...

I...

No.

I closed my eyes then got out of the bathroom, then checked into my clock alarm. 3:17, not surprising at all. Knowing that going back to bed would be no help, I went to the "living room" and sat on the couch, not before turning the lights on. There was a black notebook on the table, with a pen on its side. I took it and noticed it was all empty. I then realized that this was supposed to be a personal notebook with all the things I wanted to improve.

In that night, I felt like I was good enough to put goals in my life.

And so I did.

I took note that the last time I went to the psychiatrist was five months ago, me too scared to go back after not taking the pills he prescribed me. I literally bought them, put them in one drawer, and never took them again.

Maybe I should go with another one and start all my rehabilitation again. Start from zero, you know? It would be better for me than continue like this.

I went and included more things to the list, making it be really long. And with that, I mean three pages (the two sides of each) long.

I was determined to get better for their and my sake.

Starting... later.

You really can't do anything really progressive when it's three in the morning.

And so I, miraculously, head back to bed and slept peacefully, finally with a smile on my face.

That, until my alarm decided to get up.

"OH MY GOD, SHUT UP!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, while I threw a pillow to that fucking thing. It didn't stop.

I got up with a groan and turned it off, then picked up the pillow and returned it to its original home: my comfy and beloved bed. I sighed and head to change my clothes, which I did as fast as always. Then I went and took my briefcase with all my documents, reminding myself what I was going to do.

You have a job interview to attend to, you fucking idio-

Shut up, don't get distracted.

I got out of my apartment and head to the subway, my daily transport. I could always use the bike, but I didn't want to get all sweaty when I'm about to do something important. And so I did what I always do: put my earbuds on until the ride is over, ignoring whatever is happening outside my little old world.

And before I could realize, I was there, walking with a man towards the place which the interview was about to start. I was about to get nervous, but I quickly loosened up and let all things go the way they are supposed to go. This wasn't the end of the world, neither the end of myself. This was, more than anything, a huge opportunity. And I took it.

Long story short, I was admitted quite easily. I got one of the higher ranks in Department A, the "Department of the Smart People", as they call it. I was surprised when he said he saw huge potential in me, not only because he has seen my job as an "activist" (and, well, ambassador of the monsters, of course). He says that the key to success is now kindness, which is something not currently found in huge businesses. He also states that, if we can show more morality than all of those companies, people will trust us. And our job will be much better.

My job, however, is to orientate and give small ideas to the lead heads of Department A. I'm experienced enough to don't have to follow rules exactly, but I'm not becoming a leader just because I exist. In order to get to the top, I will need time. Well, that's what he told me. He said he's taking young talents to become apprentices and, soon, start working professionally. So this place, "Chemistry for People" co., it's technically a place where beneficial treatments are made in order to help "common" diseases. And with common I mean the usual problems society is having, like how trendy cancer and some other illnesses have become in the past years. Hearing someone saying "my familiar passed out from cancer" is not rare anymore. Overall, it's kind of scary. Most of the old people see their final days dealing with chemotherapies and suffering. And honestly, I'm not rooting to let more people end like that.

I really like how... unique this place is. It has more common sense than the Congress, that's for sure. Besides, I didn't study biochemistry for anything. Since I was a kid, my dream was to become a scientist, or a "good scientist", how I liked to call it. Besides, the owner- name's Henry Robinson- is an innovative man. He gave me his point of view of the people I defend as an ambassador, which was highly positive. He is actually willing to test how magic could contribute to chemistry, and how it could help humans. So yeah, he's open to having monsters in his business: either to tutor them or to have them as direct workers.

In any case that the magic that is going to be tested out, he invited me to supervise how this process is going to work and to notice any hints of work abuse. I like this idea because he seems sincerely accessible to do things right. And isn't this a way to show the world improvement can be made if we all work together? I've been truly enthusiastic about all of this, and now that I'm going to be a worker and also a tutor, things couldn't get better. I'm finally going to work with a lab coat instead of a suit. This is what I always wanted, and I'm really proud of being able to have it!

Sans: hey

Sans: are you free?

Huh?

You: Sure, sure

You: Is there anything you need?

I just hope something bad didn't happen, or else-

Sans: eh, not that much

Sans: is more like a question, actually

You: Bring it on

Sans: ok, so papyrus wants to see u today

Sans: have a cooking lesson with you and such

A cooking lesson? What the fuck?

You: Cooking lesson?

Sans: papy tends to test friendship by having a cooking session with his new friend

Sans: it won't hurt ya, believe me

Sans: he just wants to see how good you are cooking, that's all

You: I can barely cook

You: I just hope I don't disappoint him

Sans: you haven't tasted his cooking, right?

Sans: i don't like offending my bro, but... he's not the best chef in town

Sans: he'll momentarily be tho

You: I bet

You: So when do you want me to go?

Sans: i... don't think it matters

Sans: as long as you come

You: Good, then I'm heading up

You: Just give me five minutes, ok?

Sans: k

Wait a min-

You: Sans, I have a question

Sans: spit it out

You: If Papyrus is the one who wants to see me, why he didn't text me?

You: He does have my number, after all

You: We have chat multiple times

Sans: he's in the store, kid

Sans: buying like, a million of ingredients to do a ton of things

Sans: mostly spaghetti

Oh.

I don't know why I was thinking I could kink-shame this guy. He, after all, did so when he just met me. But I haven't been able to take my revenge, and just now that bothered me.

There has to be a way.

You: I see

Sans: welp

Sans: and how ya been, kiddo?

Hmm...

I should probably have taken this chance to kink-shame him, but... he's probably asking about my mental illnesses, and I don't want to be rude...

I sighed.

You: I'm... improving

You: I actually just got a new job

Sans: really?

Sans: you're leaving the congress?

Oh shit, I know where this is going.

You: Yep, but I'm keeping my post of ambassador

Sans: how so?

Knew it.

You: It has become more like an... out of work project

You: Is more like a personal project, tibia honest

Answer that now, skeleton

Sans: wait, so you're not getting paid from being the ambassador?

You: Nope

Sans: why?

You: I already told you, Sans

You: Is a personal project, not an official project

You: Let's just say that I'm a nonprofit social activist

Sans: wow

Sans: guess you've been working down to the bone

Oh, I knew he was going to do that!

Sans: but in all seriousness now

Sans: that's really brave from your part, y' know

Sans: you deal with all the looks, discrimination and bullcrap without getting anything in exchange

Sans: wait

Sans: should i give you something?

Sans: i'm starting to feel bad with myself

...

I almost lose my parade by being really dumbfounded. I knew he would say something like that, but not that deeply...

He's literally willing to give me something for a work I offered myself to do.

How can someone be so uncommonly nice? I have sacrificed a couple of things, yes, but it's not like I sold my soul to the devil in order to help them.

You: You don't have to give me anything, really

You: You guys being free is enough reward

Sans: i don't think some monsters being happy are enough to pay bills, kid

Sans: or to buy a car

Sans: or even food

Savage.

You: Well, I do have a new job now, and its pay is quite good actually

You: I mean

You: I'm not working in a fucking McDonald's

Sans: what are you going to do then?

You: Have a role of a tutor in chemistry and as a scientist

I received then a call from Sans, which I hesitantly took as I was walking through the streets. Before I could even give him a proper greeting, he started rambling all over the phone, asking things like "since when you are a scientist?" and things like that. Even the dumbest of people could identify that he was freaking out badly, and I tried to calm him down multiple times, but he didn't listen.

"i mean, dude, you like science then? do you like science fiction as well? or any stories involving science stuff? ooh, have you seen this series called- wait, no. forget i said anything, it's just-"

"Sans..."

"don't judge me too harshly, please! i'm just happy i can find a science lover who isn't a freak! or that it actually hates me, hah..."

Wait- does he mean Gaster? Dude, that's sad.

"Hey bud, I don't judge ya. I just want you to calm down and breathe. I'm not even able to process every single thing you are saying to me"

He took a deep breath, then laughed nervously.

"sorry... do you like science fiction?"

Jesus Christ, how desperate is this guy to find a science nerd?

"Yep, one of my all-time favorites"

"nice! how long has it been since you are a scientist?"

"I finished my biochemistry specialty when I was twenty..."

"oh, and that was...?"

I remembered then that I have never told him my age, which made feel pretty stupid. I have told him I have depression, anxiety, PTSD and insomnia... but I'm not able to tell him how old I am? How stupid. But thinking back at it, he has not told me his age either, so...

"Two years ago. I'm twenty-two"

"huh, how curious. i'm twenty-two as well, and i haven't done half of the things you have"

"Don't compare yourself with me, Sans. You can be one thousand times better, I can feel it... in my bones"

I just heard that deep chuckle I'm beginning to like more and more. Actually... I do like his voice. Like, a lot. It's really deep, smooth like butter, and it has a lot of profundity it's hard to imitate his accent. He doesn't speak that much like an American- more like a person coming from another country, but that learned English at a young age. It's understandable but different, and not in a bad way. If I could compare his voice with a singer, it would probably be a combination between Freddy Mercury and Elvis Presley. Which it's just lovely.

I wonder if he can sing.

"heh, i should give it a shot then. do you think i should go to college?"

"You'll have a better job that way. Hell, you can become a science master if you want to. You just need to study, bud. But I don't think that's a difficult task to ask you, Sans. You are really smart, I know it!"

"thanks, kid"

"Sans, aren't we the same age?"

"eh, you're still a kid to me. every young human is a kid to me"

"I should call you like that as well, then?"

"nah"

"Ok then, bucko"

"what the-"

"I'm almost there, Sans. You can tell me whatever you want in the house"

"no but wait-"

"Nope, shut up. You tell me there, bye!"

I laughed way louder than I expected when I saw a ton of messages from Sans being sent, complaining about me being the kid and not him. When he was sending me the twentieth message, though, I was already at the door.

"HUMAN, HELLO!"

"Hi Papy-"

"(y/n) what the fuck?! you don't have the right to call me 'bucko'!"

I laughed while Sans groaned in desperation and Papyrus tilted his head out in confusion, which made laugh harder. After a while though, Sans joined my laughing by smirking at first, then bursting out into a laughing fit.

"SANS! HAVE YOU TURNED THE HUMAN INTO A DORK?!"

"nah bro, she" he took a pause while laughing "was already like that since the beginning. we just noticed"

I gasped in fake shock and indignation, then playfully hit his shoulder. He laughed louder and I being stupid, made me laugh like crazy as well. Papyrus, on the other side, was starting to become mad out in confusion.

"I DIDN'T INVITE THE HUMAN TO COME AND BE STUPID WITH YOU, SANS! WE HAVE A COOKING SESSION PENDING AND FOR PUNISHMENT, YOU'LL HAVE TO HELP!"

"oh hell naw"

"HMPH! WHATEVER! HUMAN, FOLLOW ME INTO THE KITCHEN! WE'LL HAVE OUR SACRED AND ONLY-FOR-HIGH-SOCIETY-PEOPLE SESSION IN THERE!"

I followed him sheepishly while Sans mouthed me "good luck", then winked. I considered returning him the wink, but I noticed that it was a stupid idea. And so I let it be.

"HUMAN! WE SHALL BEGIN OUR SESSION NOW!"

Then I noticed that the whole fucking kitchen was filled with ingredients, books of recipes, and any cooking instrument that a chef would need.

This should be interesting.

And without hesitation, I put an apron he brought me and prepared myself mentally.

Here I go...

[16ruedelaverrerie]

  [Today, Courtesy of This Diagram Generated by @sebdoesstuff, a Performative Reading of the Natal Chart of Detective Gavin Reed, Born October 7, 2002, in What We Take to Be Detroit, Michigan, at an Unknown Time of Day. All Standard Disclaimers from This Post Apply, Including the One about This Being a Generalization, Because Even with the Natal Chart We’re Not Going to Get into Aspects or Full Houses vs Empty Houses or Anything Like That, I’m Not an Astrologer Nor Was I Meant to Be, Also I Need to Go Eat Dinner Now]  

1. Rising Sign: presentation Sagittarius (blunt, outgoing, independent)

[The rising sign is dependent on the time of birth; it’s Sagittarius here because 12PM is the default time this website uses. My original choice for Gavin’s rising sign was Aries, because an Aries is just a Leo with an inferiority complex THAT’S RIGHT FIGHT ME ARIES but I rather like Sagittarius, actually! Did you know that every man I have ever been into but also simultaneously hated myself for being into had a Sagittarius sun sign? It’s a personal note you didn’t ask for but also it’s a broadly applicable truth.]

“I’ll make my own scrambled eggs,” says Gavin. “You cook like someone who made a deal with the devil to trade in their taste buds for pointlessly overdeveloped fine motor skills, which is exactly what you are. Your food tastes like a fucking instruction manual.”

“Is that any way to talk to your lawfully wedded husband?” asks RK900.

“THE LAW IS NOT JUSTICE,” proclaims Gavin.

Capitulating to the oppressive institution of marriage had provided them with certain tax benefits, muses RK900, but it had not done a thing to socialize Gavin. It's just as well, he thinks.

  2. Sun: personality 14 degrees Libra (diplomatic, superficial, indulgent)

[Again, this post is probably more than enough contemplation of Gavin Reed, Actual Libra. This sun sign continues to be completely absurd and I am on board for this bogus journey.]

“No wait, not-- not from the back,” pants Gavin, struggling to turn himself over under RK900′s insistent hands. “I want-- I want to see your face.”

“Okay,” breathes RK900, startled by the tenderness of the request.

“I mean, otherwise there’s no point,” continues Gavin. “What? You think I’m with you for your personality?”

“...Thanks, you ruined it,” says RK900.

  3. Moon: emotion 01 degree Scorpio (passionate, secretive, committed)

“You... I...” falters Gavin, fidgeting viciously with the zipper of his jacket. “...What I mean is-- that is to say, I... here’s the thing, you’re... I’m in-- I might be in-- ...I-- you--”

“Would you find this ordeal easier if we were both undressed and I was banging you like a screen door in a hurricane?” asks RK900, because it isn’t like he doesn’t know what Gavin is trying to say, anyway.

“Yes please right now,” says Gavin.

  4. Mercury: intellect 28 degrees Virgo (analytical, detail-oriented, perfectionist)

“Reed, this is ridiculous,” barks Fowler. “Your report was due two weeks ago, I can’t have you sit on your ass forever. Just get it done.”

“But have you seen the body text typeface for the new electronic filing system?” protests Gavin. “The x-height on it is hideously minuscule! What it does to the counters-- it’s completely illegible, Captain! I am ASPHYXIATED by its lack of sufficient aperture! I can’t work in typographical squalor, this aesthetic is a disgrace to the force! I QUIT!”

“Your gun and badge,” says Fowler.

  5. Venus: relationship 15 degrees Scorpio (loyal, possessive, adventurous)

“Here’s a handbook of sexual perversions that I’ve compiled for you,” says Gavin. He drops a gargantuan dossier in front of RK900, where it lands with a thunk hard enough to make the table shake.

“I... really don’t think this is necessary,” says RK900.

“Listen, I would literally keel over and die of grief if for some reason you suddenly decided to go slam your cock inside someone else instead of me,” says Gavin. “Tell me what freaky shit you’re into, and I’ll do it. You tell me what it takes to keep you around.”

“Isn’t there a nicer way of saying all this?” asks RK900.

  6. Mars: action 24 degrees Virgo (occupied, particular, critical)

“This folder is for solved cases that haven’t been filed yet,” says Gavin, cursor hovering. “This folder is for solved cases that are partially filed. This folder is for solved cases involving drug offenses. This folder is for all cases east of Woodward but west of Broadway. This folder is for bad crimes. This folder is for cases that when I looked at them, I was like, huh! This folder is--”

“Please, your organizational scheme doesn’t make any sense,” says RK900. “I’ve had to patch up several critical errors during your attempt to explain it just now.”

“It works! I have a system!” insists Gavin. “You know how Fowler feels about me, would I still be here if I didn’t have a system that worked and got cases cleared?”

“Your continued employment at this station is a source of persistent mystery to me,” says RK900.

  7. Jupiter: development 13 degrees Leo (dramatic, proud, demonstrative)

“You requested me?” demands Gavin as soon as the door to Fowler’s office swings closed, too befuddled to let his irritation silence him. “You asked to be partnered with me? What the fuck did you do that for?”

“You have... unorthodox methods, Detective Gavin Reed,” says RK900. “The capacity for improvisation is a quality I find lacking in myself. I intend to learn from your extraordinary proficiency in adapting to unforeseen circumstances.”

Gavin opens his mouth, only to close it again without managing to say anything. He turns on his heels and starts stomping away.

“Come on, you dumb shit,” he calls over his shoulder. His ears are flushed, RK900 notes.

  8. Saturn: limitation 29 degrees Gemini (concrete, inarticulate, intuitive)

“As Democritus said, happiness resides not in possessions,” announces Gavin as he bursts into the bedroom, glasses on the bridge of his nose, squinting at several closely printed pages that he clutches in his hands. “There is an ethical imperative to question whether it is beneficial to hold onto that which can be held onto; if it is not, at times, more salubrious to our spiritual health to cast off that which we let fester by keeping close to ourselves. For indeed, as stagnant water breeds disease, so do we find that the objects--”

“Gavin,” interrupts RK900, “are you... are you trying to thank me for taking out the trash an extra time last week?”

“You have to let me finish,” says Gavin. “I’ve been working on this since then.”

“Hold on,” says RK900, “you spent a week writing a speech because you couldn’t say th--”

“--SO DO WE FIND THAT THE OBJECTS WHICH SURROUND US CEASE TO GIVE US JOY WHEN THEY HAVE OVERSTAYED THEIR WELCOME,” shouts Gavin.

  9. Uranus: freedom 25 degrees Aquarius (scientific, original, technocratic)

“I’m a Gen Z chaos child and proud of it!” says Gavin. “We’re the generation that invented androids!”

“Some might say that you were adamantly refusing to be proud of this accomplishment until very recently,” remarks RK900. “Some might also say that it’s not your accomplishment in the least, that you had absolutely nothing to do with it, and point out that you have trouble operating a microwave on your best days.”

“They all have different ways you need to enter minutes and seconds,” says Gavin, hotly.

  10. Neptune: transcendence 08 degrees Aquarius (humanitarian, secular, modern)

“I’m a Gen Z chaos child and proud of it!” says Gavin. “We’re the generation that replaced religion with unparalleled medical advances and brought us one step closer to a post-scarcity society!”

“Wouldn’t know it from looking at you,” says RK900. “Generation that replaced religion with memes, more like.”

“Who taught you to talk like this?” demands Gavin.

  11. Pluto: transformation 15 degrees Sagittarius (confident, principled, revolutionary)

“I’m a Gen Z chaos child and proud of it!” says Gavin. “We replaced religion with memes and the whole world is better for it!”

“You smoke actual cigarettes and use voice-to-text to take notes,” says RK900. “I’m starting to think you might not even be Gen Z at all. How old are you, Gavin Reed? Are you a Highlander? Can you only be killed through decapitation?”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time,” says Gavin.

  BONUS. North Node: purpose 10 degrees Gemini (interaction, partnership, community)

“Go talk to him,” Tina hisses under the clamor of the bar, elbowing RK900 in the side.

“He has been uncommunicative and belligerent since my return,” says RK900, keeping his eyes fixed on the glass of Thirium in front of him. “Correction, he has been especially uncommunicative and belligerent since my return. I believe attempting to engage with him at this point would only cause him to lash out further.”

“But have you figured out why?” asks Hank. “You know what’s got his panties in a twist?”

“That is an unsolicited mental image,” says RK900, “but I believe it is related to my dereliction of duty while I was confined to Cyberlife for repairs. The damage was extensive and I was unable to assist with Detective Reed’s caseload for much longer than he has been accustomed to. The evidence leads me to conclude that he is still resentful of my prolonged absence.”

“Unbelievable,” says Tina. “Brain the size of a planet and that’s what you conclude.”

“Nines,” says Connor, kindly, “replay your memories from the night of the shooting. My hypothesis is that you may not have taken all the evidence into account.”

The memories from the night of the shooting. Why, when the way that Gavin’s been acting ought to be explanation enough? Why go back to the sound of the gunshot like a cracking whip, the split second of frenzied calculation, the bullet in motion -- straight as the crow flies -- Gavin’s eyes widening as RK900 shoved him away, the sharp brittle crack of his shell coming apart, and then the terrible, painful static filling his head-- and Gavin’s fingers, slicked with blue, shaking uncontrollably as he fumbled to hold the shards of his skull together-- Gavin shouting something at him that he couldn’t hear over the noise, then Gavin’s lips still moving noiselessly when his audio processors cut out, just a deafening silence as the countdown began, and barely visible beyond the angry blur of error messages and critical malfunctions that had filled his view -- only now in the solemn clarity past the moment, RK900 could see -- in the low light of the alleyway, on his knees in filth beside him, Gavin looked--

RK900 glances up from his glass, turns to the far side of the bar where Gavin has been all night. The giveaway flurry as Gavin whips his head away, pretending for all he's worth as though there’s something very interesting on the wall next to him. He knows RK900 is looking, and RK900 knows that he knows because he stubbornly refuses to look back.

“Go talk to him,” says Tina, again.

His ears are flushed, thinks RK900, and stands up.