#i shouldve cleaned it up more but its done

[yarrow-leaf]

My final animation project is finished! Its a short little Curse of Strahd animatic mostly focused on my players’ characters and snippets of their respective backstories… also Strahd is there! 🦇

[chavatangakwunua]

sometimes i think about what happens next after one of my failed runs

imagine, anton rayne, cleaned up his predecessors' mess with a vaguely centrist economic revival and a more democratic constitution but gave up to rumburg like a coward even though the army situation wasnt even that bad (it was and i lost to them in this run but let's assume i didnt)

obviously everyone is mad as fuck at rayne for losing all that territory. he just went from a pretty good president to the SCREED OF THE EARTH AND A TRAITOR.

rayne knows this all too well and resigns. retreats out of the public eye and moves to some nondescript house at the edge of the city with the wife and kids.

nobody vists him for years. everyone eventually thinks he died or something. good riddance.

then comes a knock at his door. rayne opens it to see none other than lucian galade himself.

anton smiles at him and invites him in. lucian looks a little taken aback at anton's state. anton notices and says, "not what you expected, huh?"

"it just, does not look like a house worthy of a former president, that's all."

"it's an okay house, just like how i was an okay president. and my childhood home was much worse than this."

"right." lucian uncharacteristically is at a loss for words.

"if youre wondering where the rest of the family is, the kids have both grown old and moved out. monica is still working to further the rights of women in the country so she isn't at home most of the time." anton's face doesn't change except for a slight tick in his left hand. "or, more realistically, she couldnt stand to see my face after i sold the country off to rumburg. she has her own house now."

lucian sees that all the family photos he remembers lining the walls in anton's old house (hes only ever been there once but he has a good memory) are gone. theres a few left, of deana with her friends in kyrute, franc with his wife in united contana, cut-outs of photos of monica in the newspapers. university pictures of anton and petr.

"what about you, mr vice president? i see you still havent married."

lucian shakes his head.

"no. and i see you've been keeping up with the news." of course. rayne mustve seen at least the headlines when scouring for mentions of his (ex?) wife in the papers. of course he didnt miss his old advisor lucian galade managing to score himself the vice presidency without him.

"im not mad," anton assures. "its hopeful to see at least someone surviving the dumpster fire of my presidency unscathed."

"i know," lucian says. anton laughs at this. lucian just stays tightlipped like he always is.

lucian keeps returning after this. brings him expensive wine and cigars and sweets. anton jokingly accuses him of corruption and lucian shuts him down. they play chess. anton tells him about work (he teaches economics) and his personal life (can you BELIEVE what my next door neighbour did yesterday??). lucian, meanwhile, doesnt ever talk about his work or his personal life.

one time anton babbles about something one of his students spat in his face once. hes laughing it off but lucian is bothered. he asks why he lets his students speak to him like that and anton tries to wave it off. "im used to it," he says. "and he was right."

the conversation turns to anton's old presidency.

"why did you do it?" lucian asks.

"i was scared. i knew our army was good but not good enough, and we didnt have enough allies to fill in the gaps. we wouldve lost. and to save everyone the trouble i wouldve killed myself." he turns his hand into a shape of a finger gun and places it on his own head. he mimes a pow and his brain getting blown. "maybe i shouldve done it anyway."

lucian tells him to knock it off. anton just giggles (its the alcohol isnt it) and mumbles something about simply following petr's path.

lucian apologizes for bringing it up but anton keeps on going. how nobody would miss him anyway, how everyone was right, how hes a stain on the nation that must be cleansed

lucian slaps him hard enough to startle anton out of his funk and says lucian is going to miss him, so he better not do it.

anton sputters out an apology, looking completely flushed (is it still the alcohol?) and then they kiss

[malewifesband]

want to make an analysis post on milsiril and kabrus relationship but i have an earache so nothing is coming out coherent. so heres the gist fir now

she babies him because she cannot manage her own emotions--shes deeply mentally ill and has been her whole life. she takes in children out of pity but also out of a desire to be cared for--i dont believe (and more importantly kabru doesnt seem to believe) that she does this with intent to parentify those kids into meeting her emotional needs, but the result is the same. her children love and adore her the way she wishes other adults could. her children look up to her, see her like a savior, and cherish all that they can learn from her. her children have all been deeply hurt like her, and she can empathize with their pain in a way she cant with people who havent suffered

she never meant to keep kabru like a pet who cant take care of himself, but in the end, she still did. he doesnt know how to clean or cook, he ignores his bodys needs, he lives and breathes for the singular purpose of preventing another utaya. some of this his mother cultivated, some of it was part of him already and will be until he finds new purpose at the end of the story, and there was nothing she couldve done for him. its hard to draw a line between the selfharm and the harm inherited.

hes grateful to her for giving him a broad and thorough education in people, culture, language, and combat. he never learned to be a man, only a tool. milsiril only knew how to be a tool. he cant hate her for acting in her nature, for teaching him only what he wanted to learn

she shouldve been a better mother, she shouldve made sure he knew how to be more than just a tool to stop destruction, but would he have listened if she was even able to teach him that?

[old-stoneface]

i have soooo much to say abt fallout 4 so far . so ummm

just did the whole kellogg memory quest and when valentine insisted he get the implant connected to his brain i was like NO!!!!!!! but it was already done and valentine wouldnt have refused a chance to do anything he could to help. it was so nervewracking lmao that was such an interesting quest too because while i do know what happens in the game in general, like i know some of the major spoilers, i also really enjoy seeing it all play out. it reminds me of how it felt to play the final benny quest in new vegas and meet yes-man for the first time.....that shit blew me away.

i want to take other companions around w me in fo4 other than nick, but man im really attached to him, and he just asked for my help with tracking down his white whale. so hes sticking with me for a while. needless to say, i love goodneighbor; i think its a very cool community and hancock is a riot . his introduction was a lot lol he really took offense to someone giving valentine trouble. one of the things that i loved about new vegas was the ability to help sort out community problems and make life easier for everyone in the various settlements, so finding new towns and doing fetch quests or clearing out feral ghouls to make life easier makes me pretty happy. its a bonus that valentine enjoys that too.

anyway, back to kellogg. i kind of dont care about him. i understand, and i get it, he kinda does parallel the sole survivor, but that was on him for being a fucking asshole. like. he knew that shit was gonna bite him in the ass. hes not really anything like the pc from my perspective, and im not excited to hear more from kellogg in the form of his ghost inhabiting valentine's brain.

oh i just remembered i also got the home in diamond city!!!!! which was so exciting!!!!!! i spent like half an hour cleaning it up and adding some amenities while valentine sat on my couch. that was really fun. i am getting a LOT of satisfaction from providing homes for other npcs too, putting a lot of effort into improving sanctuary and telling other people to go there, like sheffield and the (somehow unnamed) vault-tec rep. i feel so bad for that guy. they shouldve at least named him.

anyway 👍 thats all. im just having a lot of fun. im not so good at combat but as long as i have a companion i can handle pretty much anything as long as its not a full-on assault from super mutants or anything

[lindsaynooneops]

Fundamentals: Software Pūmanawa Extra Vector Level Up

This is the vector i have chosen to recreate. i printed it out on A4 and traced over it with a lightbox.

here is the traced drawing of the horse vector above and where i believe the anchor points and direction handles will be placed and look like

this was the process i had made in creating the overall shape of the horse. i felt a little inconfident from the beginning but as i carried on i got better and better with creating broken anchor points and hybrid points.

after readjusting the anchor points and the direction handles length angle and placement

looking at the two side by side i was somewhat accurate with the direction of the handles but underestimated the length that they would be especially at the long curves strokes.

this is the image i will be using for the second graphic (ass there isnt much evidence of shading ill add my own to the illustrastion

Tracing drawing before the anchor points and direction handles are applied (i hate that i didnt just draw this from reference it hurts)

Here is where the direction length and placement the anchor points and direction handles will be

progress made on the outlines shapes and eyes of the character (computer crashed and i had to do this all over again essentially)

i created the eyes by firstly creating a while oval shape, then created another oval with a gradient for the iris, used the same shape and ctrl + c then hit ctrl + shift + v and held down shift and alt to keep the shape in the centre and downsize it to create the pupil then copy pasted the shape twice to create the white shiny bits of the eye

the hair was added through creating the shapes under the stroke layer and using the intersect tool where you select both stroke and objects then ungroup and delete the undesired parts of the shapes that go outside of the lines

i then made certain stroke edges into objects by going Object > Expand and hitting okay allowing me to manipulate the stroke and give it a clean look rather than being a flat end

this is the end result including the layers used

as you can see the lengths and directions of the direction angles are a little more accurate compared to the previous project with some missing anchor points

in relfection after many crashes of my system and having to start over again really tested my limits but i pushed through and got it done. i think in future im just going to have to clean out my cpu fan more often because dust buildup caused overheating which caused feezing up and illustrator was hopeless at recovering my files. i feel the creation of these vectors has greatly increased my confidence in use of broken anchor points and creation of characters such as seen above. i know its tuesday and i shouldve finished by last friday but i needed that weekend to focus on myself and chill out for a second before getting straight into school work.

[loss-protocol]

ove me more love enough to fill me up fill me up fill me full up i need you to love me more love me more love me more love enough to drown it out drown it out drown me out how do other people live iwonder how they keep it up when today is finally done theres another day to come then another day to come then another day to come back to mine we'll pretend it ends tomorrow i need you to love me more love me more love me more love enough to fill me up fill me up fill me full up i need you to love me more love me more love me more love enough to drown it out drown it out drown me out i need you to love me more love me more love me more love enough to clean me up clean me up clean me up clean me up clean me up i need you to love me more love me more love me more theres nothing left for you nothing in this room try to go outside nothing waits for you you had it once before not anymore so go on to that sweethearts door and find a new you give her all the love you saved for it you could touch fire you could fly it was your right it was your life and then it passed on to someone new itll keep passing on long after you but youre the only one shes counting on theres nothing left for you OHHHI LVOETHIS SONG WOO HOO well iwent through my lsitof friends and found i ha dnoone to tell of this overhwleming clean feeling strange serenity wheni saw a girl lookedJustlike me!!!!!!! and itbroke my heart the lengths youwent to hold me to get to have me cause ihavent given you wha tyou need youwanted me but ciouldnt reach me so you wentinot your memory RELIVEDALL THE WAYSYOU STILL WANT ME!!!!!! ihavent given you whatyou need you wanted me but couldnt reach meimsorry itshouldve been me!!!!!!!! id be going boutmy day untila hand would come and lift me out and drop mein the middle of a labyrinth where id be stuck awhile when isaw the girl looked just like me i thought must be lonely loving someone tryna find their way out of a maze OHI KNOW!!!!!!!!! i havent given youwhat you need!!!!you wanted me but couldnt reach me so youwent into your memory relived all the ways you still want me i havent givenyou what you need you wanted me but couldnt reach me im sorry it shouldve been me im sorry it shouldve been me i guess i guess i guess this is the end ill have to learn to be somebody else its been you and me since before i was me without you i dont quite know how to live if i could keep anything of you i would keep just this quiet after you its still as a pond i am staring into from here i can say thank you from here i can tell you thank you WOAHHTHIS SOGNT OO WOO HOO We fought againi ran out the apartment you say you love meI BELIEVEYOU DO!!!!!!!! but i walk down and up and downand up and down and up and down this street causeyou jsut dont LIKEME!!!! NOT LIKEYOU USED TO !!!!!! thats our lamp it shines like a big moon we may be ending im standing in the dark looking upinto our room where youll be waiting for me thinking thats where you loved me thats where you loved me thinking thats where you loved me thats where you loved me thats where you loved me thats where you loved me thats where you loved me thats where you loved me thats where you loved me Woo Hoo How Was The Show

Cheers and claps

[am-i-sans]

dnd adventures 37

tori and cam are eeby deeby! dess is back though! suzy and inferno are unsupervised while were landing. oh no. they land on their faces. frog waves bye to tori and cam and waves hi to dess.

suzy grabs inferno and starts running, its time for chaos. undyne chases them they cant be allowed unsupervised. kris asks if this is normal and dans says "hes evil and shes prebuscent." undyne whistles and summons soupnik to swoopdown and grabs them in his claws.

suzy elbows kris and demands they get a dragon, again. kris just snorts. soupnik drops them by undyne lol. shes so mad lol. suzy books it again oh no. charity also flees lol. heres comes soupnik! they only grab inferno lol. he goes REALLY high in the sky oh no. HE DROPS HIM! before he hits soupnik catches him and sets him by undyne. frog wants to do that lol.

kris tells dans his kids are funny lol. 'their not my kids but they may as well be.' vani huffs and goes to find lil suzy. shes chilling in a tree. vani is making sad noises and climbs up the tree and tries to make her get on his back. she tries to wrestle him and falls out of the tree. we hear loud yelling lol and go over.

dans asks if lil suzy is done now. she runs off and trips on a rock and lands on her face. dans sighs and says they need to find jevil. everyone else is laughing at suzy and frog goes to help her up. inferno complains she left him. lil suzy tells inferno he shouldve gotten good. inferno walks over and tells her to say it to his face. 'git gud!' he sees undyne and walks away pissed.

vani refinds the trail and off we go. soupnik in the air. dans hands big suzy more jerky. we stumble across a bone i guess. suzy holds it up and dess takes it lol. she rubs her chin in thought like a cartoon charactor. 'well this is clearly a bone.' inferno takes it, bites, and says 'yep thats bone' suzy is mad they wanted to do that lol. inferno finds another one! dans found one too lol. inferno gives it to suzy and she eats it. dans hands it to big suzy as undyne yells at him lol. she yeets it and lil suzy runs after it, fetch!

dess tries to take the bone from suzys mouth and she yanks back lol. dess lies and says its a jevil bone the shithead. back to searching! inferno trips on his face while looking for bones. tori is out of eeby deeby! frog is trying to clean infernos bones lol. kris and dans had been talking and stuff. tori is just confused why do the kids have bones. vani happy dances around tori.

we stumble upon a clearing and theres a guy there, its jevil but we dont know but frog knows and runs over and hugs him! dess yells to not hug the murder clown. he picks up frog and spins them around "look how tall you got!" undyne and tori yell at frog to get back from him, weaponized. frog is just excited lol but jevil is silent.

undyne fucking takes frog away from him frog is so upset. undyne says hes dangerous but frog says shes dangerous cause she has a sword. hes working with steve. frog says steve probably lied to him. inferno is confused about steve and suzy says he has a lot to catch up on.

dess walks up to him and asks if hes been working with any strange men lately xD "which one?" "do you know a guy that would fuck that guy?" she points at dans and he says 'bruh'. undyne points her sword at him and asks if he works for steve. thats not his name so dans asks the real dumbass name lol. yep, oh no. dans him to not work for him and to tell us where he is and we'll leave him alone. its all part of the game? he doesnt know where he is. inferno wants his hat off to see if hes bald sksksk. big suzy also wants to see and kris punches her lol.

inferno walks over and takes off his hat. and smacks his bald head oh no. jevil fucking squeaks like a toy. undyne hands frog to tori. big suzy and kris slap dans bald head lol. jevil asks inferno if hes done lol. dans asks if he knows where steve went or what hes doing. nope frick. frog asks to slap jevils bald head. 'of course!' tori wont put them down sad.

its been 3 hours we have gotten nowhere

tori asks if hes going to work with him. he just wants to play a game, game! he can show us if we like, ummm... undyne no. dont. tori uses stone skin on frog. he leans in to frog and suzy and says its not a game for kids and they should go play somewhere else. dess makes a face thinking its an 'adults' game. tori sets frog down and tells them to go. suzy says lets go find bones and takes them away.

jevil needs more players and he summons a bunch of giant bat skeletons. suzy steps forward 'so its THAT kind of game. better watch out, your dealing with a couple of sharks!'

battle! The World Revolving! Shark To Shark!

LET THE GAMES GAMES BEGIN!

dess uses snowball storm on the center of the bad guys. jevil was barely phased lol. undyne attacks! big damage but he does negate some psychic damage. big suzy attacks! missed one her damage is shit lol. jevils turn! he missed dans lol. he also missed suzy. he does hit undyne! big damage. dans hits nice. a bat bites suzy ouch. kris attacks! good job! another bat bites suzy but misses. it hits inferno! tori attacks! she lightnings jevil! infernos turn! he failed. jevil laughs at him.

dess swings her axe at jevil! failed 2 out of 3 swings. undyne goes! so much divine smite. but hes immune to being knocked prone. somewhere in the woods we hear screaming. tori tells undyne if she kills him she has to tell frog what happaned. undyne just wants to knock him out. suzy attacks the bats and kills one of them nice. jevil attacks! he goes after dans! he crits tori! but shes immune to crits! then he uses haste on himself. dans hits big nice. kris is still kinda sucking, frick. suzy yells at them to do what undyne is doing lol. a bat misses. the other bat misses too. tori witchbolts! she crits! thats so much fucking damage wtf. infernos turn! hes fucking using fireball. poor kris they were standing right there they are on fire. jevil stumbles back.

jevil starts laughing and says they did well and he wants to play again, then he fucking disappears and the bats drop dead. he drops a scythe and a crystal. undyne picks up the scythe. dans picked up the crystal. he looks through it and briefly sees mod shade's room. he puts it away and decides he didnt see anything. then he goes and helps kris not be on fire. suzy screams demanding to know who set kris on fire. the knife disappears from undynes hands.

frog shows up and asks where jevil went. it appears in suzy's hands and frog points it out. dans points out inferno for setting kris on fire. inferno is nonchalant. she punches him and it hurts lol. dess says we killed jevil and dans has to yell no they didnt cause frog is upset. lil suzy says they found some bones. inferno takes one of the bat skulls.

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

tw: ranting about alcohol addiction and death

i absolutely do not blame myself for my past alcohol addiction. i dont think addiction makes me or anyone else a bad person but holy shit it ruined my life. i was stunted emotionally and socially from 14-17 which is ofc a very important time when it comes to developing mental intelligence and whatnot. i did develop a bit just not as much as anyone else i knew. its really fuckin hard to learn to manage strong emotions and plan for the future and all that when your whole life revolves around drinking.

and yeah i did other things. i had a job and i was in school and i loved my pets. besides the pets (i love the animals) not much mattered to me besides the next drink. the rest of the shit was filler. in my mind trying to do things like becoming more socially and emotionally aware was useless bc it was just more shit getting in the way of my next drink. bc even then i knew that shit takes work and research and time and that i shouldnt do it while drunk. my solution to this was to not do it at all and keep drinking

and now ive stopped drinking and ive done my best to make up for the bad stuff i did while i was an addict. it is so much easier to be kind and to support others and get involved in my community now that alcohol isnt a huge part of my life. it wasnt some major switch. i didnt have a moment where i was like "wow! i died from alcohol poisoning and was revived. my life must have some magical purpose!" i did realize that my circumstances were absolutely amazing and that i was not gonna fuck up my second chance at life.

im not perfect at all and i never will be and i dont wanna be. ill probably never have a normal relationship with substances (doubt ill stop smoking ever) and i have a boatload of mental and physical issues but for once my life is my own. it doesnt belong to a bottle of elderberry pear vodka i stole from my parents or whatever. now im almost 2 years clean and im finally able to notice how much more clear and solid my brain feels. im more in tune with my emotions and i care more deeply than i ever have before. im learning about new shit and changing my mind on things and picking up new hobbies and meeting people and im having an absolute blast.

pretty often i think that this stuff im doing would be more enjoyable if i was drinking still. and that's so so wrong because i would have never done any of this had i still been drinking.

anyway this isnt meant to be some inspirational success story. some ppl might see me as that and there's also a fuck ton that see me as a failure bc im not fully healed and may never be. i really just got lucky enough to live longer than i shouldve and im trying my absolute best with what I've got. idk if im doing any of this right and idc bc for once im just having fun and enjoying things all the time :)).

[brostradamus]

hi! typically i wouldn't counter anyone on opinions but since op is allowing folks to counter, here's my take on butter roll cookie note: ill be looking at all the cookies w the lens of them being neuroabiguous (or just. not specified whether they're neurodivergent or not) . also providing screenshots 2 back up my points. i promise yall this is a lot shorter than it seems. ALSO ONCE AGAIN.. spoilers for part1 of the lab storyline. to start, I don't think he really comes off as condescending to his researchers. I think the only instances of him seeming like he might come off as condescending is when he's speaking to researcher cookie 2, and says this:

or when he's telling researcher cookie 1 to dispose of the batch 98 (which i'll get to l8r)

but, here's the thing. Butter Roll Cookie, yes, is a peer and fellow researcher but he's also their director. He ultimately has more experience in working with cookie dough than his fellow researchers, and what the researchers might find important might not actually be all that important to their goal. Like researcher cookie 1 coming to BRC in fear that they messed up the past batches of dough due to excessive salt (despite the salt actually being needed + this also shows the researcher's inexperience in working w/ dough) or the researchers creating a raw dough monster and getting excited about it when they're trying to make cookie vessels for the beasts. Butter Roll's job is to guide and lead his team with baking cookies, and ultimately he knows what leads are best to follow + which ones to disregard. some may see this as condescending, but i PERSONALLY see this as him being a guiding hand to his researchers. secondly, there's only one instance I can find of BRC talking about DE, and it's this scene. also note!!! the definition of erudite is to have great knowledge/be scholarly. its definitely not an insult to her character.

here he's not putting her down at all. He's simply stating that her goals just cannot be achieved on her own- which is true and i'm sure she knows it too (but would just never admit it). And then the discussion of her turns into a discussion of her experiment - which he does take note of the ingredient DE mistakenly left out, but only to emphasize how her creation still lives despite a missing ingredient. Then he says that whatever she left out could be important to how they can make the perfect dough recipe. This does not seem very shit-talky to me, it more seems like he just wants to find out more about her experiment to aid in his experiment.

Now with BRC ignoring how uncomfortable Licorice is with seeing raw dough. I can understand Licorice not being comfortable with seeing raw dough, but I don't think it's BRC's job to make him feel more comfortable or even care for all that matter. Licorice Cookie can remove himself from the situation if he is so uncomfortable, no one is forcing him to stare at raw dough. He is not even touching it, except for when he's cleaning out beakers ( and even then, he probably has supplies specifically for cleaning dough since its probably considered cookiewaste/biowaste) Now for asking Matcha about her missing ingredient. Yes, i think it is rude of him to be asking even after she tells him to mind his own business BUT I don't think he's asking to be rude, or antagonizing. He's asking for research. I think its really clear that he's asking for research too, as he spoke earlier about wanting to know the missing ingredient because it could help them make the ''perfect raw dough''. now about batch 98. i think BRC, though it seems heartless, was... right to throw away / dispose of batch 98 (but tbh they shouldve done it a lot better. if theres one thing i can criticize him on its his waste management jesus christ.) i think BRC says it best.

I think it's important to take into consideration that despite them having "state-of-the-art" equipment and resources, they're still limited. If they tried to rehabilitate or save it, and it be a waste - it wouldve wasted precious time and resources that they may or may not have. Or if they did try to save it, and it somehow worked - what wouldve happened to the cookie that came out of it? we don't know. Now we have Matcha being upset about BRC calling batch 98 a failure - she has every right to be upset! It would be extremely upsetting and potentially triggering to hear what she heard, especially if batch 98 reminds her of herself. In my perspective though, she's upset though because of how much it parallels (?) her own relationship with DE. Butter Roll Cookie and his failed experiment, batch 98. Dark Enchantress and her ''failed experiment'', Matcha Cookie. I think she's feeling bad for batch 98, because it was thrown away/disregarded just like she was by DE (or atleast its implied). Now after Matcha Cookie runs off, Butter Roll Cookie only has one thing to say about her after she leaves. here's how the conversation goes.

then afterwards, the other researcher cookies interjects to talk about the life powder level going down an entire notch (which btw, is because of matcha. she stole the life powder) now yes, he does mention her missing ingredient again - but only to say that she's probably trying to figure out what her missing ingredient is too. (though he does say shes ''probably'' spying. which i can see how it can be seen as shit-talking to some) now for the last point. I really think that this is a matter of perspective. Matcha cookie has a meltdown, and tries destroying the equipment/research. Butter Roll Cookie calls her meltdown a tantrum, and has her restrained while he ensures the dough they just perfected is placed into a beaker where it can proof. That is exactly how the scene plays out. I can't say whether one is in the total right, and the other is in the total wrong because this scene kind of has a lot of nuance to it! Obviously, restraining a person who is having a MELTDOWN is fucking terrible, and people destroying things during meltdowns is something that is completely normal and happens. But I don't think BRC is a bad person for wanting to protect his research and the lab equipment - even if he had to protect it in a way I would consider unsavory (i.e restrain matcha). tldr; i think butter roll cookie cares more about research than literally anything else. that's it tbh. he is a research-oriented man.

UNPOPULAR OPINION;

butter roll cookie gives me the ick.

some reasons below (spoilers for pt1 of the laboratorium storyline);

condescending toward his fellow researchers, even if he hides it with sweet words (this is disputable, I can see how the way he treats his coworkers could be taken differently)

spreads gossip about dark enchantress cookie to make himself look better (a pretty scummy move)

Ignoring how much Licorice Cookie feels uncomfy when he's near the raw dough, glossing over it by talking about his own craft (this isn't actually that bad, at least if Butter Roll Cookie wasn't aware of how uncomfy Licorice feels, but if my interpretation holds any truth then he's doing this purposefully.)

Asks Matcha Cookie about her missing ingredient even though she's CLEARLY uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk about it (borderline abelist! like asking a neurodivergent person what part of their brain is missing! And he doesn't even back down when she gets upset..)

Makes his coworkers dispose of batch 98 because it was an 'utter failure' and doesn't even try to rehabilitate or save it in any way (also calls something a failure when matcha cookie is RIGHT THERE - failure is probably a triggering word to her)

Talks crap about matcha cookie when she leaves after she is CLEARLY TRIGGERED by the dough being disposed of (also talks about her 'missing ingredient' again!!!)

Equates Matcha Cookie's meltdown to a tantrum (something you DO NOT DO when trying to console someone whos about to have/ in the middle of a meltdown)

In conclusion; Butter Roll Cookie is scummy and a borderline abelist, but hides it behind professionality, and a friendly/encouraging facade.

thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

(feel free to counter me :))

[edwardglitterhandss]

Ugh I was supposed to go back and finish writing that paper after my boi fell asleep but instead I just spooned bc my head hurt and didn't get it done :( it's half done but like the harder part is still left and then I have to study for an exam....

[etherealising]

wow i’m early? this is crazy!

a bit sad you’re so early, what am i gonna look forward to now? : (

this was such a beautiful chapter, and while it hurt like hell it is one of my favorites. you write every word with such intention, and it truly doesn’t go unnoticed. you also continue to handle such heavy themes with a realness and grace that is so incredible. just all around in awe of your talent.

stop!!! this is so kind it’s crazy what stringing a few words together can do (like it’s obviously more than that but that’s how i feel sometimes) i’m just so happy i have people like you to share it with it just makes it all the more meaningful! 🩵

“And then I…I fucked that relationship up myself…uhh and as I sat there trying to think of what provided amusement or joy in my life…I just thought of my childhood spent with her…by my side.”

okay so yeah! once again you’ve found a way to make the heartbreaking scenes of the show hurt just that much more! this is also an impressive feat in that you continue to nail carmys tone (which i can imagine is incredibly difficult) and write lines that flow into the actual script without it feeling disjointed.

writing this man is so fucking stressful like why is it so hard but like also please pay these fucking writers because this shit is not easy AND THEY PUT THEY FOOT IN IT EVERY SINGLE TIME! (not that i’m comparing my fic to screenwriting lol)

“Carmy left the meeting hoping Claire didn’t call the number he gave her, hoping that you would be open to rekindling whatever relationship was left between you two.”

carmy left the meeting with 2 less brain cells than he arrived with if he really thinks that dumb shit isn’t going to come back around

he’s just a smidge delulu

“Chef Luca?”

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUTTHEFUCKUP!!! i love that you just keep throwing fuel on the jealous carmy fire

it’s what we deserve!

“Yeah, he taught me the simple syr-.”

OH MY GOD YES!!! i’m geeking so hard about this right now!!!! you planted the seeds of jealousy for this and now they are starting to sprout and it’s even better than i was anticipating.

i have this hc that luca and baby get along swimmingly because they both wanted to fuck carmy so bad 🤭

“he was now sure more than ever that there was a chance to fix things with you.”

this is so famous last words - sorry carmy you haven’t done enough groveling yet my luv<3

legit like no groveling and he thinks everything will just go back to normal

“I can assure you Carmy would not give a single fuck if you touched my breast, Neil.”

and i can assure you that carmy would give many MANY fucks

bestie poo was fuming as he listened to that convo

“I’m not doing this because I want to Baby.” Nat’s voice took on a gravelly tone.”

oof this line hurts for so many reasons - nat is probably living with the same ‘would’ve could’ve shouldve’ that baby is and feels even more pressure to help keep baby clean than she would’ve otherwise. and on the other hand, this has gotta sting for baby too - a brutal reminder of how much her actions are weighing on nat. it’s just a sharp knife for everyone involved.

right. because at the end of the day these two were first and foremost friends and while that friendship is still there, they’re both now in such a compromised situation because of what happened. i also think Natalie feels like she’s the only one who can help baby because she was there through it all and as much as she wants baby to be honest with everyone else in her life its not something she’s willing to force on her, but nat def needs to be a little selfish sometimes.

“If it’s important they’ll leave a voicemail.”

that is a not fun parallel. baby is going to have trauma around vociemails for the rest of eternity.

this parallel was actually so unintentional but that trauma is definitely there.

“Yeah…fuckng bizarre.” You could feel the lump forming in your throat.”

this sucks but also i’m glad it’s blowing up right in front of his face, maybe it’ll actually solidify the lesson he so desperately needs to learn. but also youch!! not baby getting thrown back to her senior year insecurities and wingwoman status.

right like baby has been so good at hiding how his actions affect her but now that it’s happening in real time he deserves to see what he has constantly done to her. i know our poor baby being relegated to second best once again

“You’re too sweet. You know how it is people change, they grow apart. I just think Carmy outgrew me.” It was becoming harder and harder to swallow your tears.”

ugh i love you - the way that she’s speaking to carmy through speaking to claire? iconic and heartbreaking.

it physically pained me to write ‘i just think carmy outgrew me’ because not only is carmy getting a look into how baby feels, she’s also accepting the fact that its the reality of their relationship at this point.

“Why are you the way you are?”

this is so serious but i am laughing so hard

no same i immediately burst out laughing whenever i see this line i can’t explain it. like do you know how tired someone has to be of your shit to say that to you?

“Carmen I have lost pieces of u- of myself to you, Carmen.”

oh shit, so he doesn’t even know about the baby? i’m not even shocked because it’s so on brand, but yikes is their web getting beyond tangled.

clueless carmy strikes again!

“I’m a hypocrite, Rich,” you separated yourself from him, locking eyes. “I blamed Carmy for so much out there…but I’ve done something so unforgivable, I don’t think you’ll look at me the same.”

my mind is feeling with all the possibilities of what happened with the baby. did she not know about the pregnancy and lost it in the overdose or from drug usage? did she lose the pregnancy to miscarriage and then fall into drugs from the combined trauma? did she get an abortion that she’s regretting? there’s so many ways that this could’ve gone down and all of them are equally harrowing. my heart is absolutely breaking for her, she shouldn’t have to carry this guilt - alone nonetheless.

the final reveal will be a lot…i don’t even wanna think about it, i can assure though that it is the tamest option of the bunch.

“There were two things in the world Richie didn’t play about, little Eva; and you.”

I LOVE THIS.

ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITE LINES TO WRITE!

“While Richie was crying over the sister he almost lost; you cried over the lives you ruined”

i just, truly have no words. this is so haunting and well written.

i love these two with my entire being.

“What purpose did he have if he couldn’t even keep his last promise to Mikey?”

don’t even start with me rn

i just like making all of us suffer apparently

“The journal began as a way for him to express what he felt for you, but as the months went on and the writing became a part of his routine they turned into letters to you he’d never have the guts to send”

this journal might end up being his saving grace.

boys lucky he sentimental

chapter six | didn’t i do it for you?

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣

pairing: carmen berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!richie jerimovich x fem!reader | platonic!natalie berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!neil fak x fem!reader

summary: carmy knows exactly what he wants regarding you, but past mistakes always come to rear their ugly heads

warning(s): angst | hurt slight comfort | slight fluff | semi-jealous carmy | mentions of substance abuse | mentions of overdose | mikey | mentions of suicide | implied miscarriage | language | self-destructive behavior | arguments | forced love confessions | carmy’s sad boi hours | actions having consequences | more barby lore | children | no use of y/n | afab reader |

wc: 10.9k

a/n: hi lovies, this chapter may be a bit heavier than previous ones so please take the warnings extra seriously. if you are triggered by any warning please do not read this chapter i’ll literally message you a summary of the chapter if you need it. i may have missed some warnings so if that’s the case i do apologize it was not intentional. lastly please remember YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN MEDIA COSUMPTION….enjoy 🩵

“You know, I-I don’t think my family meant to ruin it or anything like that, you know.”

Carmy was trying to be better, to be more open. And it was easiest at these Al-Anon meetings, no one knew him, and no one had any expectations of him.

“I-I don’t think they did it on purpose,” his hand subconsciously raised to the chain securely tucked under his crew neck, rubbing the metal through the fabric.

“I don-it’s not fair to blame them for everything,” a sardonic huff of laughter escaped Carmy as he thought of the words he was going to say. “I uh…I had a friend once…a best friend.”

“She was the first thing in life that I felt belonged to me,” Carmy frowned, having trouble articulating what he wanted to say. “And not li- I didn’t own her or anything, but she was my friend because she chose to be, not because she knew me through Mikey.”

“And then I…I fucked that relationship up myself…uhh and as I sat there trying to think of what provided amusement or joy in my life…I just thought of my childhood spent with her…by my side.” He cleared his throat forcing himself to remember that he would probably never interact with any of these people outside of these meetings.

Carmy’s hand dropped from its place where his covered chain sat, now gripping the armchair. “She’s uh she’s back in my life now and I…I want those things with her again I…I want to fix things with her, be the person she believes I am.”

Sydney’s curiosity the other day gave Carmy a lot to think about. He was so accustomed to looking at the picture above his stove daily, that he hadn’t even given it a second thought when he invited Sydney over. Her curiosity was understandable, the interactions you and Carmy shared hadn’t been the warmest but that Polaroid would suggest otherwise.

“Yeah. Anyway, I’m happy to be here.” Carmy sat straighter in his chair, if he could admit his wants albeit vaguely to a room of strangers, he could admit his feelings to you. “Thank you, guys. Thanks for letting me share.”

Then he saw you at the grocery store, comfortable in someone else’s arms. He wasn’t jealous, or at least he didn’t think he was. But reality slapped him in the face, so sure of himself that the two of you could pick up where you left off he didn’t stop to think that maybe you didn’t want that anymore.

And then like the idiot he was, he gave Claire your number. He wanted to believe it wasn’t on purpose, that he had memorized your number so well it was the first he thought of when asked.

Carmy left the meeting hoping Claire didn’t call the number he gave her, hoping that you would be open to rekindling whatever relationship was left between you two.

Your morning was off to a great start. Hayden surprised you with breakfast at the office and signed off on your article for The Bear as long as it didn’t get in the way of your work at The Tribune. The two of you even brainstormed the best way to go about telling the story.

Since your late-night grocery run with Hayden, the two of you had fallen back into the friendship you developed all those years ago. It felt good to be reconnected with him, and thankfully things weren’t awkward considering your past sexual history.

Neither of you admitted to it, but you both knew the opportunity to fall back into your old ways would soon present itself, you weren’t sure if it was an option you would take advantage of though. The two of you weren’t in college anymore and as pathetic as it sounded since your vulnerable conversation with Carmy the other day, your heart still held out hope that the two of you could build up the foundation for a romantic relationship.

Rounding the corner of Orleans Street you finally made it to your destination, happy to have taken in the fresh air mid-morning had to offer. You approached the door to the restaurant hoping someone would hear your knock and let you in.

You smiled as Sydney opened the door moving back to allow you in, you reached up to slide your headphones off as you greeted both her and Carmy.

“Good morning, is Nat in?” The text you received on the train ride over from the oldest Berzatto was pushed to the back of your mind until now.

The urgent ‘we need to talk,’ text had worried you at first, but you had rationalized that Nat could’ve been referring to anything.

“Uh yeah, she’s in the office.” You nodded at Syd giving her a small smile in thanks before turning to make your way to the back.

“Oh hey, do you like have a second or…” You stopped in your tracks turning back to face the two chefs looking between them curiously before nodding once more.

You smiled waiting for one of them to speak, “Uh yeah can we make this quick though I need to speak with Nat.” You did your best to sound nonchalant, the longer you stood out here the more your anxiety began to rise, mind racing with what Nat needed to speak with you about.

“Yeah yeah of course,” Sydney stepped away from the door moving near Carmy who had remained silent since your entrance. “We were thinking of sending Marcus to Copenhagen and I know you stayed there, not like in a weird way but because I read your articles you know.”

You nodded your head eyebrows raised as a signal for Sydney to continue. You did your best to ignore Carmy’s stare while Syd rambled on about their idea and how the trip would help to inspire Marcus.

“…So we were wondering if you had any suggestions?” Her raised eyebrows stared back at you.

“Sorry suggestions for what?” The confusion was easily readable on your face, Syd’s excitement at the prospect overwhelmed you.

You watched as the two chefs stared at you, Carmy’s signature blank stare and Syd’s slightly hurt reaction that you weren’t paying attention.

“Oh uh for accommodations…in Copenhagen.”

The question surprised you, eyes darting to Carmy before focusing back on Sydney. You knew Carmen spent time in Copenhagen, so the fact that they were asking you for suggestions seemed a bit redundant.

Albeit stunned by the questions you smiled moving towards where the two of them were sitting, memories of your month spent in Copenhagen playing in your mind like a movie. The trip was months before Mikey’s passing and now as you think about it, it felt like that was the last time you had fun, and lived life without the worry that so often filled you now.

A chuckle left your lips as you leaned against the counter looking from Syd to Carmy, “I uh I stayed with the chef I was profiling.” You bit your lip trying to contain the grin threatening to split your lips, “I still have his number I could call him if you want. He kind of owes me a favor anyway.”

Carmy’s arms fashioned themselves across his chest, a frown pulling at his eyebrows. There was so much he didn’t know about you including the fact that you had spent time in Europe with some mystery chef.

“Oh yeah? What uh-who was the chef you wrote about? Maybe I know him.” Carmy’s words surprised you, the look you exchanged with Sydney proved that he didn't come across as casual as he was trying to.

You raised from your position against the counter, “Chef Luca?” Your voice trailed off a bit before the smile you were trying to contain finally made its appearance, “He’s this amazing pastry chef, who’s so passionate about his craft it was like watching a master at work!”

Carmy watched as you gushed about his former colleague, annoyance clawing at his throat as he took notice of just how happy the memories made you.

“Luca even taught me how to make this crazy dessert he was still perfecting, I mean mine was nothing compared to his but it was honestly the most fun I’d had in so long.” You reminisced about your time spent with Luca, “Oh, and my peach cobbler? Yeah, he taught me the simple syr-.”

“No yeah, I’m familiar with him.” Both you and Sydney were pulled from your animated conversation; the tight smile on Carmy’s face alerted you of his irritation.

You nodded, feeling a little bad at your rambling, “Okay well I’ll just go see Nat now, let me know if you need me to make that call.” You drummed your hands against the counter before turning around to take your leave.

“Hey uh, Baby?” You turned your head before disappearing around the corner eyebrows raised as you looked at Carmy. “Do you think we could maybe talk later?” You watched as his hand came up to scratch the back of his neck.

Sydney watched the interaction play out between the two of you, a small smirk lining her lips as she watched how flustered Carmy got just by asking you a simple question.

Your lips tugged up into a small smile, “Sure thing Carm, I’ll come back when I’m done with Nat.”

Carmy was sure his heart was beating so loud Sydney could hear it, the nickname something he hadn’t heard spilled from your lips in so long. The small smile he briefly caught did wonders for his already lacking confidence, he was now sure more than ever that there was a chance to fix things with you.

You entered the office to see Natalie pouring over documents presumably to do with permits and money in regards to the restaurant. You took a step forward momentarily stopping at Nat’s voice.

“Close and lock the door behind you please,” The lack of eye contact was grating on your nerves, either Natalie was completely stressed about her role as project manager or you had yet again colossally fucked up.

You did as told not wanting to further irritate your very pregnant friend. The office was silent neither of you spoke up as Natalie finished looking over the latest paper she had picked up.

She looked exhausted and you felt horrible knowing you had potentially added more stress onto her already-loaded plate. Nat gave you a small smile though her eyes looked anything but happy.

“Cortez called me this morning,” Nat’s eyebrows raised as she pointedly stared at you. Your head fell back against the door a quiet ‘fuck’ mumbled into the air. “Said this was the third meeting you missed.”

Nat waited for you to return your attention to her, “I’m only going to ask you this once Baby, and I really need you to be honest with me.” Nat leaned forward in the chair, closing a bit of the space between you so you would hear her quiet voice, “Are you using again?”

You sighed leave it to Cortez to fucking snitch you out, you didn’t realize that being a snitch was a requirement if you were someone’s sponsor.

“Baby?” Your eyes connected with Nat’s the softness of her voice and the watery appearance in her eyes told you just how worried she was.

Your head shook back and forth rapidly as you raised your hand to massage your temples, “I’m not using Nat I promise. And I know that means jack shit coming from an addict but I promise I’m doing good.” You took a deep breath calming your budding agitation, you knew Nat was worried and it wasn’t her that you were annoyed at but yourself.

“I uh…I’ve been stuck on step eight since I joined this whole rebranding project, and I…I knew that Cortez would be persistent in me getting it done.” You grimaced at the fact that you had already missed three meetings, you hadn’t realized how far things had gotten, “It’s just things felt normal again and I guess I thought I could just pretend like everything was okay.”

Natalie nodded as she listened to your explanation, she hated it but there was always a part of her that would be apprehensive. She had seen the manipulation substance abuse breeds firsthand when she stayed with you in the hospital after your overdose, it hurt her to see you hurting. To sit back and watch as the withdrawal symptoms ate away at you as you would fiend for a fix that you took your pain out on her and Pete.

Nat quickly turned to where her purse was sitting pulling out a box the two of you were all too familiar with.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Your face scrunched up in anger, the emotion slowly residing as you watched Nat close her eyes and take a deep breath in. You felt like a complete asshole you knew Nat wasn’t doing this of her own volition and you had no one to blame but yourself for the predicament you were now in.

“Nat shit, I’m sorry you didn’t deserve that. But you really can’t expect me to take that here.” Your hand thrust out to the box that seemed to be taunting you.

“Baby you know the rules. I don’t like this as much anymore than you but when you just decide you don’t need to meet with your sponsor anymore, these are the measures we have to resort to.”

“Lead the way, Mom.” Natalie let out a small chuckle at your antics, thankful that you were being somewhat logical, “Wait is there a bag we can throw this away in, we can’t just leave the evidence in the bathroom.” The two of you turned to search through the office sure you would find a stray plastic bag lying somewhere.

You popped up, a plastic baggie securely in your grasp, “Does the toilet even work?” Nat shrugged, walking past you and making her way to the bathroom leaving you to follow behind.

“Aww yeah, party in the bathroom! Am I invited?” Nat stopped as Fak stood in front of the two of you hastily moving the bag behind her back doing her best to be inconspicuous.

“Sorry my love girls only, maybe next time,” Nat gave Fak a pat on the shoulder and her signature smile before maneuvering the two of you around him.

“Wait, is it that time of the month for us? Cause I think our cycles might be synced, I’ve been having the most insane cramps lately.” The words that left Fak’s mouth would never cease to surprise you.

“You know, I think you might be right Fak, my lower back has been killing me.” You indulged in Fak’s shenanigans, the man falling in line to walk with you as the two of you followed Natalie to the front.

Fak nodded along with you “No I’m like feeling it, should I invest in a heating pad?”

You snickered at Fak, “I usually just fill up a sock with rice and throw it in the microwave.” You shrugged like the conversation was a completely normal occurrence. “The first day is always the worst for me, my breasts get so tender.”

Fak raised his own hands to his chest cupping his pecs “Baby tell me about it, it’s just like one touch and I’m crying.” You could see Carmy’s confused look from your peripheral as your group finally made it to the bathroom.

“I could totally massage your breast Fak, but you would have to return the favor. It's only fair if you’re a part of the sisterhood.” You watched as Fak nodded his head rapidly, hands raising in the air and hovering in front of your breast.

“Wait, is this an actual thing?”

“Oh yeah me and Nat do it all the time, that’s actually why we’re going to the bathroom now.” Fak’s eyes darted to Nat before looking back at his hands inching closer to your breast.

“Wait no, I don’t want Carmy to be mad at me.” The two of you looked in Carmy’s direction, the man still watching just as confused as earlier.

You shrugged before turning back to Fak, “I can assure you Carmy would not give a single fuck if you touched my breast, Neil.”

The aforementioned man took in a gasp of breath before clearing his throat and slowly moving down the counter to get a better listen at what the hell the two of you were doing.

You, Nat, and Carmy waited to see what Fak’s next move would be, the smile raising to your face hard to keep under wraps, Fak was adorably easy to mess with.

Fak’s hands began to inch forward concentration clear as day on his face before a small shriek left his lips, “Baby I’m sorry, Carmy’s my best friend, I don’t think I can do this for you.”

You laughed at the disappointment in Fak’s voice, “Your loss babes, I know 16-year-old Fak would’ve killed for this moment.” Your hand raised to pat his cheek before you finally left his side and entered the bathroom as Nat held the door open for you.

“She was lying to you my love, we don’t massage each other's breasts.” With those last words, Nat shut the door on a disappointed Fak and a mildly annoyed Carmy.

Fak turned back to look at Carmy with an apology in his eyes, “I’m so sorry Carmy, teenage Fak was really fighting to come out right now but I know Baby’s your girl.”

Carmy frowned at Fak’s words, the irritation running through him at yours and Fak’s stupid antics. “She’s uh…she’s not my girl. Baby and I are just friends.”

Fak smiled widely in Carmy’s direction, “That’s great, you really should think about getting a girlfriend then, I just want you to be happy Carmy.” Fak began walking to the back to help move the appliances. Carmy let out a chuckle as he heard Fak mumble about missing his once-in-a-lifetime chance.

Carmy shook his head back and forth, having you back really was just like old times. He wouldn’t ever say anything out loud but Carmy was actually really glad he didn’t have to stand there and watch Fak fondle you.

“Pete said the two of you have a lunch date planned.” Your head shot up to Nat, the air had been a little stilted between the two of you since she had brandished the drug test.

A laugh bubbled out of you, “Doesn’t seem like the proper environment for a casual chat Nat.” You gestured to the dinghy bathroom you were in, emphasizing the urine sample sitting on the sink while the two of you awaited the results.

You watched the smile rise to Natalie’s lips, a somber look overcast on her face, “I’m not doing this because I want to Baby.” Nat’s voice took on a gravelly tone.

Natalie didn’t deserve this, she had already basically nursed you back to health once. And now here she and Pete were about to bring a life into this world, and here you were a grown adult still expecting everyone else to fix your problems. You knew Natalie didn’t need the stress and worry your life choices brought forth and if your overdose wasn’t a wake-up call enough, then Nat’s haggard appearance as you two stood in the bathroom sure was.

“I know and I apologize Nat. Really livin' up to my nickname aren’t I?” Nat chuckled listening to your apology. “There’s no excuse for my behavior. I know what’s expected of me I-”

Your words were cut off by the shrill ringing of your phone. The noise caused the two of you to jolt in the small bathroom. You quickly removed the device from your back pocket, it was a Chicago area code, but you already had everyone you knew here saved in your contacts.

“You gonna answer that?” Your eyes flashed to Nat, her eyebrows raised in question.

You took one last glance at the number trying to place it before clicking the power button and slipping it back into your pocket, “If it’s important they’ll leave a voicemail.”

“Anyway, I shouldn’t constantly depend on you to clean up my messes Nat, I don’t think I’ve been the best friend recently. And it should be you depending on me considering,” you waved your hand over her figure scared that if you spoke the word someone might hear. “I promise to do better Nat, I want to be around to help with the little gremlin.”

Nat raised her hand to wipe the few tears that were falling, making her way over to pull you into an embrace, “These damn hormones make me so emotional.”

You chuckled rubbing up and down Natalie’s back, “You’d be crying even if you weren’t compromised.”

The hug lasted up until the timer on Nat’s phone sounded, signaling the results were ready. The two of you pulled apart, with Nat sending you a reassuring smile.

It didn’t matter if you knew you hadn’t touched any substances since your hospitalization, you would always be nervous when it was time to read off the results. You waited with bated breath as Nat read over the testing stick, you would set up a meeting with Cortez as soon as you got the chance.

The sigh of relief Natalie let out stung you a bit, but you could understand her apprehension it wasn’t easy trusting a recovering addict.

“It’s negative Babes.” A sigh of relief left you.

A wide grin raising to your lips, “I told you so.” Nat rolled her eyes at the sing-song sound of your voice.

The two of you made quick work of cleaning up the bathroom, small talk about your future lunch with Pete floating around as you made sure all evidence was disposed of in the plastic bag.

Carmy watched as Sugar exited the bathroom the same drugstore bag from earlier in her hand. He sent a nod in her direction as she smiled at him before making her leave. Carmy was set to meet up with Syd in 30 minutes but he was hoping to speak with you before he took his leave, unsure if you would still be here later.

He returned his attention to the calendars with the timeline to open, checking off things that had already been taken care of and adding anything he wanted to double-check.

“You free to talk now, Carm?” He turned at the sound of your voice, a shy smile lining his cheeks as he took in the smile on your lips.

“Uh yeah, yeah if you’re free,” You nodded, coming to stand across from Carmy the old counter directly between you two.

Carmy’s eyes took in the sweater you were wearing, similar to the style in his but while his was a nice grey color, yours was a deep green. The familiarity of the crew neck finally dawned on him as he realized it was his crew neck you were wearing, the last time he saw it was the night he left you in his apartment all those months ago expecting to still see you there when he returned home.

It was silent as the two of you stared at each other, a giggle escaped your lips at the lost look on Carmy’s face. “What’d you wanna talk about Carmy?”

Carmy nodded trying to remove the memories from his mind, “I uh…I know I ruined our friendship and…and whatever was left of it.” He paused, eyes falling to the crew neck carefully wrapped around you, the memory of watching you get dressed after the shower you shared swimming around in his head, the extra pictures of the two of you tucked safely into his bedside drawer.

“Carm hey,” he watched as your knuckles knocked against the counter to bring him back to the present time.

“Yeah, I uh I just have a lot I think we should talk about Baby, and maybe the restaurant wasn’t the best place for it.” He reached up to scratch the back of his neck, nerves running haywire.

You nodded a serious look painted on your face, you were sure you knew what Carmen wanted to speak about but you also had secrets of your own you wanted to share with him.

“I…I want us to try and be friends again or at least be cordial with each other…if that’s not too much to ask.” Carmy huffs out a breath of laughter, eyes latching onto your figure in front of him.

He watches as you appear to be thinking, most likely retracing the path of your relationship through the years memories running through your head that he has absolutely no idea exists.

“Carmy, you’ve never not been my friend but a lot of your choices hurt m-.” Your phone rang again echoing off the walls in the front of the restaurant.

You gave Carmy a small smile before removing your phone, the number that’s calling you is the same one that called while you were in the bathroom with Nat earlier. You raise your finger to Carmy, gesturing that you need to take the call.

“Hello.” You wait as the other line stays quiet.

“Baby?”

You frown looking up at Carmy as he watches you hoping your call ends soon, “Uh I’m sorry who is this?”

“Oh, it’s me, uh…Claire. We lived down the street from each other as kids?” A gasp escaped your lips, surprised that she was calling you.

You move the phone from your mouth. Hand moving up to cover it as your eyes find Carmy’s “It’s Claire.” Your whisper takes a moment to register in his ears, too caught up in the bright smile on your face.

“Wow, it's so good to hear from you. Um, I hope I don’t sound rude but how exactly did you get my number?” You watched as Carmy ran a hand across his mouth, eyes wide your name slipped past his lips the dire need to get you off that call racing through him.

You held your finger up to him signaling to give you a moment, too wrapped up in miraculously connecting with an old friend.

“Oh um, this is going to sound weird. I uh…I ran into Carmy the other night at the grocery store and when I asked him for his number…this is the number he gave me.” You listened as Claire spoke, the smile quickly disappearing from your lips as your eyes found Carmy’s alarmed ones.

“Carmen gave you my number?” You watched the regret flash through his eyes.

“Mhm.”

“And claimed it was his?”

“Uh kinda yeah, it’s a bit weird but maybe he was just planning to call you or something.” A small laugh left your lips, if he hadn’t called you since he last saw you, you could bet he had no plans to ever call you.

“Yeah…fuckng bizarre.” You could feel the lump forming in your throat.

“Sorry if this is weird but do you think you could give me his number?” It felt like senior year all over again and you were the bridge between these two souls

An ironic smile rose to your lips as you stared directly at Carmy, the panic glaringly obvious in his eyes because he couldn’t hear Claire’s responses.

“Oh, Claire Bear I’m so sorry I haven’t spoken to Carmy in what’s it been?” You paused your glare on Carmy impenetrable.

“Five years, since high school graduation. I don’t even have his number.” The crack in your voice was evident to all who could hear, Carmy wished he could disappear at that moment.

“Oh no, is everything okay with you two?”

“You’re too sweet. You know how it is people change, they grow apart. I just think Carmy outgrew me.” It was becoming harder and harder to swallow your tears.

“Wow, I’m sorry to hear that Baby. But I heard you're back in Chicago, maybe we can catch up?”

“Claire I’d love that, hey before you go try Fak for Carmy’s number I’ve heard they’re extremely close now, have a great rest of your day!” You listened as Claire said her goodbyes quickly, hanging up and placing your phone back in its designated pocket.

It was silent as you raised your head to the ceiling, a disbelieving laugh escaped your lips as you felt the tears trace down your cheeks. You were getting fucking tired of crying.

“Baby hey, hey let me exp-,” Carmy’s pleas were cut short as both of your eyes shot to his now ringing phone on the counter. Neither of you needed to be a fucking genius to figure out who was ringing Carmy’s line.

“Answer quickly Carmen, your little girlfriend is calling.” You knew it was petty and you shouldn’t be upset with Claire for chasing after what she wanted, but for once you didn’t want to be the one fighting for scraps of Carmy’s affection.

You didn’t want to have to share.

His hand quickly shot out pressing the power button on the side silencing the ringing, taking the extra step and turning it face down as he watched you just stare at it.

“Baby I-,”

“Why are you the way you are?” You were tired of putting Carmy and his feelings ahead of yourself, tired of running yourself ragged to accommodate your feelings for a grown man who was too scared of the truth.

“I-” You took a deep breath to collect your thoughts. “I’m so hurt right now Carmen and I want to be angry, I want to be so fucking angry with you but I’m just hurt and exhausted, and I…I really don’t even want to waste my breath on you right now, but I’ve put up with a lot of your shit and I think I’m just done.” Carmy flinched at the sardonic laugh you let loose.

“It hurts Carmen…it hurts when the person you’ve been truly in love with for most of your life doesn’t even treat you like an option.” You ignored the sharp intake of breath that came from Carmen’s direction, surprised he even had the guts to listen to your rant.

The ringing in his ears along with your broken voice overwhelmed him.

“I have lived so much of my life for you and yeah I was stupid for that, but all I wanted was your happiness and all I wanted was happiness with you. I have given so much of myself to you Carmen I have lost pieces of u- of myself to you, Carmen.” The tears were raining down in full force.

It was one thing to cry when you were hurt but to cry out of anger and exhaustion would probably always be the worst feeling.

“All I wanted was for you to love me the way I loved you…the way I will continue loving you after today because the way I feel for you won’t just go away Carmen it will be stuck with me forever! What I lost to you will be stuck with me forever! And…and we spend this amazing weekend together and I accept that you can’t commit to me and I give you the benefit of the doubt because Mikey just died and you…fuck.” Your hand slammed against the counter top your thoughts all over the place.

“You take my number that you’ve had for a year and you give it to some girl that you had some stupid pathetic high school fucking crush on. I’m not even worth a fucking phone call to you Carmen! And I…I’m not even supposed to be here right now but you wouldn’t fucking know because your too much of a fucking coward to allow yourself to be loved to be happy!”

You could feel the oncoming migraine from how loud you were shouting, you did your best to ignore the gathering crowd, Nat and Richie at the forefront watching with worried glances, as Marcus Fak and the rest of the crew peaked through from the back.

A shuddering breath floated through your lips as you felt the lifetime of exhaustion catch up with you. “I almost gave you all of me Carmen. Please just leave me alone” The words escaped your throat in a hoarse whisper. You were so far gone that you couldn’t even see the look of heartbreak and despair marring Carmen’s features.

“Baby, hey!” Your eyes shot to Richie as he blocked your line of vision to Carmen's. Head shaking back and forth arms slowly reaching out before coming to rest on your biceps thumbs gently massaging into them. “Let’s take a break Baby calm down a bit yeah?” He nodded his head waiting for you to nod along before he led you to the back, making sure to block your view of Carmen.

You were shaking as the two of you made your way past Nat a whispered ‘I’m sorry’ leaving your lips as she was left to deal with the mess that was Carmy.

“Fuck!” The loud crashes of a heavy object slamming into the floor caused you to jump in Richie’s hold as he led you back into the office.

Little tremors shook through your body as Richie carefully guided you to sit in the lone office chair. Taking his position by your legs as he squatted in front of you, worry etched into his features at having never seen you react like that.

Your hands came to grip Richie's, the tear tracks on your face now dried, you were almost positive you had run out of tears to cry.

“I lost everything, Richie,” your voice was strained. “And I…I spared him because I knew he couldn’t handle it, you knew he couldn’t handle it…not after Mikey.”

Richie’s eyes squeezed closed as he raised your intertwined hands to his forehead, haunting memories of you forcing their way through. He dropped your hands delicately cupping your face to press a kiss on your forehead, “I know Baby.” The words were spoken softly against your skin.

The two of you sat in that position as you gained control of your ragged breathing.

“I’m a hypocrite, Rich,” you separated yourself from him, locking eyes. “I blamed Carmy for so much out there…but I’ve done something so unforgivable, I don’t think you’ll look at me the same.” You wanted to cry but the exhaustion ate away at you.

“Hey I’ve been through some shit Baby, we’ve been through some shit, nothing,” the firm grip on your chin reminded you of the lost soul who should’ve been in the room with you two. “Look at me when I’m talking to you. Nothing you say will change how I look at you.”

It was always weird to see Richie serious and the voice of reason, not that he didn’t have his moments, but seeing Rich without his signature smile made it feel like you had stripped him of something so personal.

“How bout this, Sug or I take you before you beat Carmy’s ass,” the sentence drew a small laugh out of you. “And then I’ll come over when I’m done here, pick up some dinner and we’ll have one of those nights like we used to when…when Mikey was still here.” You nodded your head not having enough energy to produce words.

Richie patted your knee rising to his full height as he headed to check on Sug and his idiot of a fucking cousin. “Oh hey, I’ll have Eva tonight, you don’t mind do you? She’s constantly on my ass about seeing her auntie Bebe.” Richie stood in the now open doorway awaiting your answer.

Your immediate response was yes, but you had to consider Tiff, unsure if she wanted her daughter around you considering your newly acquired title as recovering addict.

“I’d like that a lot, but I-I think you should get Tiff’s permission to bring Eva around me.” You knew your suggestion might upset Richie but it was for the best, and you would call Tiff yourself just to double-check.

“Hey no none of that shit, she’s my fucking kid too Baby.” The defensive tone in his voice immediately caused you to close your eyes, hands moving to massage your temples.

“Richie please, I just need you to do this for me okay? This isn’t about your parenting skills, Rich.” Richie watched you for a minute, the exhaustion noticeable.

He nodded sending you one last somber look before making his exit keen on chewing his little fucking asshole cousin a new one.

Richie could feel his anger rising in him as he walked past Marcus and Fak as they worked to remove appliances from the kitchen. He quickly sauntered toward the whispers of Sugar and Carmy becoming clearer as he finally made it to the front of the restaurant.

The first thing his eyes took notice of was the destroyed cash register lying in the middle of the floor, debris from the relic scattered across the room. Richie stood there taking in the scene, the two Berzatto siblings' conversation coming to a halt as Richie blew out a whistle, walking around the mess slowly clapping.

“You’re a real fucking piece of work Cousin,” Richie’s hand shot out to point in Carmy’s direction the younger man looking disheveled, the frown on his face almost comical.

Natalie felt her shoulders tense; she had known these two long enough to know nothing good would come out of this interaction. The fact that you were in the middle of all this would make whatever happened right now all the worse.

There were two things in the world Richie didn’t play about, little Eva; and you.

“Richie I don’t need your fucking bullshit right now.” Carmy moved to walk around the counter, hands fumbling in his pocket to get his cigarettes out, his focus on the door he was trying to escape through.

“You’re a piece of shit cousin.” Richie’s hands shot out to grip the collar of Carmy’s crew neck, shoving him into the counter.

Natalie’s shocked gasp of Richie’s name did nothing to tear the men away from each other.

“Get the fuck outta my face, Richie.” The shorter man shoved the man standing in front of him.

A rueful smile raised to Richie’s lips “That girl has bent over backward for your conceited ass time and time again, and you go and ruin the only good fucking thing you have going for yourself.” Richie’s hand raised thumb and middle finger moving to flick Carmy between the brows.

“You’re the last person that gets to talk to me about fucking ruining good things in my life.” Carmy’s free hand moved to swat at Richie’s.

“That empty fucking head of yours is so far up your ass you can’t see what the fucks been in front of you this whole time.

“Yo fuck you, Richie!”

The two loud voices echoed throughout the restaurant as the angry men tried to outyell each other.

“No you fucking listen to me! You don’t know what the fuck that girls been through. Where the fuck were you when shit went down Carmen! Huh!” Richie shoved Carmy again, the anger he felt for you pouring through him.

“Why the fuck weren’t you there for her whe-.”

“Richie!” Natalie’s stern voice caused Richie to harness some of his anger. “No.” The subtle shake of her head stopped his sentence mid-thought.

“You’re worse than the shit on the bottom of my shoe, and you don’t deserve to touch one pretty little hair on that girl’s head. And if I ever have to listen to her cry over you, watch her hurt over you again, you’re gonna wish Mikey was still here to save your ass.” Richie’s hand shot out to slap against the side of Carmen’s head, “Fucking bum.”

He removed himself from Carmy’s space, hands immediately raising as he faced Nat’s exhausted stare. “Sug I’m sorry, but get Baby home will you? I gotta finish up shit round here.”

Richie left the two Berzatto siblings to stand in the now quiet front of the restaurant, the sooner he finished his shit here, the sooner he and Eva could spend the evening with you.

Natalie looked at her younger brother scared of how this sequence of events would affect him. She took a step forward hand reaching out to Carmy before dropping it, “Hey, you okay?” The two siblings stood in silence, one worried about the well-being of her remaining brother.

And the other was trying to collect his racing thoughts, too many zooming through for him to even land on one.

“Where are we with the permits?” To Carmy’s ears, it sounded like he was underwater, his voice muffled, barely loud enough to be heard.

“Carm-.” Nat’s words were cut off with no chance of consoling him.

“Just get her home Nat and get back to me on those permits please.” Natalie watched as Carmy collected his phone and jacket, an unfocused wave of his hand sent in her direction before making his way through the exit, disappearing to who knows where.

Natalie watched as the front door latched shut, she couldn’t help but feel guilty for pushing you into this environment. If she had just let you re-acclimate yourself on your own time, maybe this situation could’ve been avoided.

Her hand fell to her stomach, eyes following suit, “Welcome to the family little one.”

The sound of your doorbell constantly ringing tore your stare away from the bottle sitting on your coffee table. You sat still for a minute before remembering the plans you made with Richie earlier in the day, your eyes shooting to the bottle before you quickly moved to hide it behind one of the couch pillows.

Since Natalie dropped you off earlier you had gone back and forth with the idea of finally coming clean to Richie. Your decision was led by your emotions from earlier in the day, but after finding the bottle of champagne you received in The Tribune’s welcome basket shoved in the back of your pantry, you were sorely rethinking your decision.

You adjusted the pillow to disguise any misshapen lumps before hurrying to the door to greet your guest. Hoping the forced smile was enough you opened the door feeling the once-fake smile begin to settle into a genuine one as you took in the father-daughter duo on your porch.

“Auntie Bebe!” You laughed, a lump forming in your throat at how big the young girl seemed to have gotten.

“Little E is that you?” Eva giggled at the exaggerated gasp you let out before throwing herself against your legs squeezing you tight.

She unlatched herself from you before gripping your hand and moving into the house, “Daddy bought us pizza!”

“Hey, Eva take your shoes off.” Richie gave you a small smile as he scolded the little girl, her huff of annoyance not going unnoticed by the two of you.

Richie finally walked through the door shutting and locking it behind him staring at you as he waited for instructions, “Hey E go ahead to the living room and pick out something to watch okay? I’m gonna help your dad real quick.”

You were rewarded with her adorable smile as she ran in the direction you pointed her to. You turned back to Richie taking the two pizza boxes from his hand to allow him to remove his shoes and jacket.

The two of you made your way to the kitchen setting the boxes down on your island with a clear view of Eva scrolling through your tv. You maneuvered around the kitchen for plates before brandishing them to Richie, eyes caught on Eva’s small figure in your living room.

“She’s gotten so big,” the tears you thought had run out earlier were once again making their appearance.

Richie’s head turned to you, “Aww Baby look at you ready to cry and shit, you just saw her a year ago.”

You listened to Richie’s intoxicating laugh, trying your best to find the humor in his words. The notion was hard though when the last memory you could’ve had of the sweet little girl waiting for the two of you in the living room was holding her at a funeral that could have just as easily been yours.

“You coming Baby?” Richie’s raised brows were aimed at you, he had already made his way to the living room setting the smaller plate in front of Eva.

You cleared your throat nodding your head with a forced smile on your lips. It was settled, Richie had every right to know that there could have been a universe where he had to survive without Mikey and you.

Eva was cuddled into your side as your fingers stoked through her blonde locks, her smaller hand playing with the rings on your free hand. The two of you sat staring at the paused episode of ‘The Dragon Prince’ waiting for Richie to return from the bathroom.

Sitting with Eva in your living room made your heart heavy with what could’ve been. A small sad smile traced your lips as you leaned forward to plant a soft kiss on the crown of her head.

Eva’s head turned to yours, her tongue poking out at you as you returned the gesture, the two of you going back and forth making silly faces at each other before she released a small yawn. You watched as her small hand rose to gently run her little fingers across the scars on your face.

“Auntie Bebe?” You made a small noise to let her know you were listening. “Are you going to die?”

Your brows pinched together, Eva’s hand prodded at the scar between your eyebrows that was now more prominent, “Hey hey, where is this coming from?”

Her hand lowered to her lap as she turned her attention back to your ring-clad hand. “Mommy said you were sick…like Uncle Mikey…and that you tried to be with him.”

The ache in your chest was instant, you knew Tiff had tried to explain why you hadn’t visited but you didn’t know Eva had such an understanding of everything.

She raised your hand so it was in front of the two of you, little fingers dancing across yours, “And Uncle Mikey left us 'cause he was sick and I don’t want you to leave to Bebe.”

“Little E, look at me,” you waited as she adjusted next to you small body, cuddling into you more as her face turned to you. “I was sick…just like Uncle Mikey, but I’m doing a lot better now. And I got hurt, that’s why I have these scars on my face but a lot of good people helped me, like Auntie Nat, and even your mom.”

You stopped allowing the child to digest your words, you were trying to explain things in the simplest terms, and the small girl next to you didn’t need to know any of the details. “As much as I miss Uncle Mikey I could never leave behind my Little E.”

Eva shrieked as you moved forward to tickle her doing your best to make a very tough conversation end on a light note for the sweet little girl who brought joy to your world.

“How about some ice cream, yeah?” You watched as the small girl nodded up and down excitedly, her arms coming up to wrap around your neck as she planted a small kiss on your cheek.

“I missed you, Auntie Bebe.”

Your hand reached out to ruffle the girl's hair, “I missed you too Little E.” She removed herself from around you laying across the empty couch cushions.

You let out a little laugh before grabbing the empty plates and moving to the kitchen to get Eva her ice cream. You jumped at the sight of Richie leaning against the island in your kitchen arms crossed against his chest.

“Why are you standing in my kitchen like a fucking weirdo Richie,” you laughed moving to place the plates in the sink before grabbing a bowl for the ice cream. “Eva’s okay to have ice cream right, I know it's a little late bu-”

“What the hell was Eva talking about Baby,” you looked over your shoulder Richie’s stern eyes focused on you eyes piercing through you as opposed to at you.

You sat the bowl and ice cream on the island before searching for your ice cream scooper, the silence droning on as you began scooping out ice cream for Eva.

“I fucked up Richie,” you finally looked up to Richie eyes wet with tears as you watched him tightly shut his eyes and begin shaking his head back and forth. Not prepared for what he was about to hear.

You quickly finished with ice cream, returning everything to its location and dropping the scoop in the sink before grabbing a spoon. You made your way to Eva sending her a small smile as you handed the bowl to her, “I need to talk to your daddy okay? Go ahead and finish watching without us mamas.” Your words went in one ear and out the other, her attention fully on the treat in her hands. You gave her one last smile before braving yourself for what the kitchen had in store for you.

“I uh…I was in a bad place after Chicago we had just buried Mikey and then…the hospital happened,” you stopped taking a deep breath to get through this conversation. “I should’ve come home Richie I-.” You couldn’t get the words out your throat felt like it was constricting. It felt as though if you tried confessing you would choke on the words before you could even come clean to Richie.

Richie sat next to you at your small circular dining table chair turned towards you, eyes flicking to Eva’s figure every few seconds to make sure she was okay. Richie wasn’t even sure he wanted you to continue, but a huge part of him needed to know what you went through, he thought he had already seen you at your lowest point but the gravity of your words assured him that was nothing compared to the confession you were about to lay at his feet.

“I overdosed Rich.” Richie froze having thought he hadn’t heard you correctly for a second but as he watched the despair take over your face, he knew he heard you right.

His hand came up to wipe across his mouth, the reality of your words barely setting in. “Baby no, no, no, no.” The laugh that accompanied his words morphed into a silent sob as he tucked his head into his hands.

You swallowed your cry fighting to escape as you turned to make sure Eva was still okay, a reprieve from the hard conversation you were having.

You moved from your chair standing in front of Richie so you could console him, his arms wrapped around your waist as his head settled against your stomach, the shaking of his body proof to you that cries were still wracking his body.

The silent sobs turned into quiet cries, his hands gripping the extra fabric of your shirt at the waist. Your tears could no longer be held back bending at the waist you rested your forehead against the back of Richie’s head.

While Richie was crying over the sister he almost lost; you cried over the lives you ruined.

“Auntie Bebe I finished my ice cream!” You took in a deep breath against Richie’s head moving your own from its previous position.

You moved to step out of Richie’s grip, his hands tightening around your shirt tears seeping through to dampen your skin. “I gotta help E, I promise I’ll be back Richie.”

The breath you took in choked you as you had to pry Richie’s clenched fingers out of the fabric of your shirt. You quickly wiped your cheeks before making your way over to Eva grabbing the bowl from her hands and sending her a forced smile.

“Can I spend the night Bebe?” The hope in her eyes made your chest heave.

“How about I call your mom tomorrow and we arrange something for another time, is that okay with you?” Your hands brushed across her forehead, clearing the hair from her face.

She pouted, sinking into the couch cushion, “E, hey you can come visit me whenever, but tonight just isn’t a good night for a sleepover.”

You watched as her eyes began to water, “But what if you try to leave again?” You hadn’t realized how intuitive children could be at times, you bent down to make yourself eye level with Eva.

“Listen, mamas, I’m just a phone call away okay? Anytime you’re scared I might be gone just ask your mom or dad to call me and I’ll answer every time, I promise.” Everyone knew making promises to children was a slippery slope, but you intended on keeping this promise with every ounce of your being, it was time for you to start taking some responsibility.

Eva nodded her head throwing her little arms around your neck and gracing you with a hug you weren’t aware you needed. You gave a small kiss to her temple before pulling away and setting the empty bowl on your coffee table.

“How about you lay down okay? Your dad and I might be awhile,” She nodded, moving and leaning against the pillow, her sudden weight revealing the champagne bottle you had hidden behind it, you quickly covered her with the throw blanket on your couch before picking up the bowl and bottle and making your way back to the kitchen.

You gently placed the bowl in the sink before making your way over to Richie whose head was still in his hands. His eyes found yours as he heard you take your seat, before skating across the unopened bottle you had set between the two of you.

“I’ve been sober for five months now,” watching Richie’s bloodshot eyes slowly blink at you as he drank your every word in felt like a knife being continuously shoved through your chest. “No drugs, no alcohol.” Your voice trailed off, this was the first time you had admitted your shortcomings by choice.

“Ho-How’d it happen?” Your eyes focused on Richie’s Adam’s apple as it bobbed up and down, his face pinching together like asking that simple question was equivalent to swallowing glass.

“I uh don’t know the full story, just what the doctors told Nat and me,” you could see the hurt on his face that Nat was already privy to the information. “I didn’t tell her by choice, uh after my mom died my family kind of distanced themselves from me and so N-Nat became my power of attorney.”

He nodded his head, unfocused eyes floating around your kitchen, “Can you tell me?”

A tired sigh left you “Rich I don’t thi-,”

“I need to know Baby, please.” His hand shot out to grip yours, desperation you had never before seen seeping from his eyes.

You cleared your throat taking in a deep breath, “When I left Chicago, I just felt so…alone. It was like everywhere I looked there was either a reminder of Mikey or a reminder of…of what we lost.” Richie’s free hand returned to swipe across his mouth, eyes everywhere but you.

“The pills were prescription I…I can’t remember when I started taking them or when the dependency started but I-I know the alcohol started first. I deluded myself into thinking that I could do what Mikey couldn't…that I could numb the pain and function at the same time.

“It was like that for a while and then it just gradually got worse until I ended up hospitalized with no recollection of how I even got there and…and Natalie just crying and staring at me and the thing is I had heard those cries from her once before.” The same cries you listened to as she revealed Mikey’s fate to you.

“Um, the story is that I had been mixing drugs and alcohol which yeah I was. But that day I guess it finally went too far, for some reason I was trying to get to my patio and I guess I couldn’t figure out the door, I just…repeatedly threw myself into the glass until it shattered.” Your free hand moved unconsciously to pick at the scar lining the right side of your jaw, Richie’s hand quickly snatching it away urging you to continue your story.

“Wasn’t done yet though was I,” you looked at Richie expecting a chuckle out of him but the stoic look in his eyes told you he wasn’t in the mood for half-baked jokes. “I took two more pills and stumbled bloody through my apartment before making it out of my door and collapsing in a pool of my blood and vomit. A neighbor found me and called the ambulance.” You were glad you had no recollections of what would’ve been your final moments.

The silence in the kitchen was heavy, the words you had shared between the two of you more than anything Richie could have ever prepared himself for.

“Baby why…why didn’t you call me?” Richie’s hand covered his mouth in a fist as another cry escaped his lips wide teary eyes finally focused on yours.

“I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.” Richie could feel his heart breaking as he listened to the crack in your voice as you spoke, you had been so scared to disappoint him that you had hidden a part of yourself for him for so long.

“How long have you been in Chicago? You avoided Richie’s gaze, not brave enough to see the look of hurt and betrayal.

“I spent a month in Wisconsin at a treatment facility, I’ve been in Chicago since December.”

“And Tiff knew about this?”

“Yeah…uh she kind of forced it out of Natalie, I guess Eva kept asking about me.” You watched as Richie’s head slowly nodded as he carefully let your words play in his head.

Richie leaned forward in his chair, elbows coming to rest on his knees as his clasped hands rested against his mouth.

“I’m not disappointed in you Baby,” Richie’s eyes rose to yours. “But I’m real fuckin hurt and the shit you just laid on me was a lot to take in but I…I want to understand and I want to be here for you.”

The tears that had subsided were now back pouring down your face in droves, “I’m so sorry Richie, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. But I promise you I’m trying to be better, I will be better. I don’t think I'll get another shot at this after this one.”

Richie stood from his chair pulling you up with him, immediately tugging you into his chest hugging you tightly under the ambient kitchen lighting. He knew his hugs would never match up to Mikey’s, that his role in your life would never compare to Mikey's. But he loved you so much and learning that you had fallen victim to the same poison as Mikey made him feel like an utter failure.

Richie tilted his head down planting a kiss on the crown of your head, the saltiness of his tears passing over his lips.

What purpose did he have if he couldn’t even keep his last promise to Mikey?

Carmen’s day had come to an end hours ago but he just couldn’t get himself to fall asleep, all the words you had said to him playing over and over again in his head.

He had been so caught up in your argument that he blew his food-hopping plans off with Syd, and couldn’t even get himself to return any of the many missed phone calls he received from the number he knew to be Claire’s

Not that he even wanted to but he felt the girl deserved a proper explanation.

After leaving the restaurant and wandering the Chicago streets he found himself back where his life seemed to begin and end. Pouring what was left of him into helping the rest of the crew start the gut on the restaurant. He wasn’t proud that he let his emotions regarding your situation get the best of him, leading to an unnecessary and petty argument with Sydney. But he knew the two of them would work their issues out.

He couldn’t be sure that the same could be said for the two of you though.

The journal he had started a year ago sat open in his lap, the Polaroid he used to keep his place gently rested on his bedside table, the small lamp illuminated the two of you staring at each other eyes full of love as you wore matching smiles.

A teardrop landed on the ink-stained pages of his journal. The words he wanted to say to you easily poured out of him when he sat down to write to you. The journal began as a way for him to express what he felt for you, but as the months went on and the writing became a part of his routine they turned into letters to you he’d never have the guts to send.

His hand came up to swipe across his face before reaching for the pristine Polaroid and neatly tucking it between the designated pages. The journal was then safely placed in his bedside drawer. He knew he needed to give you space, he just wasn’t sure if there had ever been a future written in the stars for the two of you.

Picking up his phone he opened it to your newly saved contact, the need to hear your voice spilling more tears from his eyes. Your voice rang through his head as he thought about your words from earlier, Carmy couldn’t lie, he knew you loved him and had known for a while but hearing you say it aloud had finally awoken that part in him that would allow himself the pleasure of loving you back.

He couldn’t do it, couldn’t get himself to call you. A sob ripped through him as he locked his phone and set it down, the hope he had earlier to work things out with you was now gone, and he had no one left to blame but himself.

Carmy laid back in bed, eyes blankly staring at the ceiling, one arm bent at a right angle to support his head. He had really and truly ruined whatever relationship was left between you two.

Carmy’s hand dipped into the collar of his tank top, gripping the small pendant he found dangling from his chain after returning home from his shift the night you made your departure from his New York apartment.

His fingers had gotten used to tracing over the initial of your first name that he proudly wore around his neck. The closest thing he even had to you now.

Carmy’s eyes watered as he raised the initial pendant to his lips, a lingering kiss pressed into it, and a whispered “I love you,” filtered through the quiet of his room.

tag list: @saturnheart @r0s3mm @wheredidmycrowngo @hawkins-2000 @elliesbabygirl @allbark-no-bite @anakinswh0re3005 @thecraziestcrayon @fruitcupsworld @nishinoyahhh @lilylovelyxo @ridingthehotmessexpress @noas-ark @jadeittic @hellokittyever @luvr-bunnyy @sxgees @kravitzwhore @chanluuvr @readingwiththereids @chims-kookies @ladygrey03 @ferida-kahlo @wanderlustnightwanderer @how2besalty @armydrcamers @jointherebellion215 @blkbxrbie-esther @ajordan2020 @head-slut-in-charge @magnet-girl @thebookwormlife @sevikasblackgf @writers-hes @senassn @bunnysthngs @gabbycoady13 @randomhoex @mattmurdocksstarlight @shinebright2000 @royalestrellas @jam1esl0v4 @globetrotter28 @dankfarrick29 @flowersgirl02 @beingalive1 @fairytale07 @smoooore @ghost-timelord @xxxstormyninixxx

so i’ve reached the limit of people i can mention in a single post, i apologize if you asked to be tagged and were left off it was not intentional. i’m gonna figure something out to try and fix this…sorry : (

[imstunning]

I’ve had a bad week mentally like having breakdowns and being in the absolute worst mood and tbh I’m so close to ruining my own life from like displaced anger

[envysim]

playlist tag

RULES: We’re snooping on your playlist. Set your entire library on shuffle and report the first 10 songs that pop up - then choose 10 people!

I was tagged by @prismatart, and I tag @simbee, @mayshuno or anyone else dksksm

clean - taylor swift

the world according to chris - riverdale cast

new romantics- taylor swift

shake it off - taylor swift

gives you hell - glee cast

how you get the girl - taylor swift

a night you’ll never forget - riverdale cast

I do - cardi b ft sza

halo - beyonce

no option - post malone

you are in love - taylor swift

[reidsconverse]

lunch break • spencer reid

Spencer x Reader (tried to make this GN)

Warnings: none!

Based off of this request: Can I request a spencer Reid x reader blurb where they goof around on their lunch break?? Somethin real light-hearted! (sorry this took so long anon!)

“Hey Spence, I’m gonna make lunch you wanna join?” You asked your boyfriend. You both had been working from home due to pandemic and had decided to quarantine together rather than be apart for weeks on end.

“Sure,” He said, closing his laptop and walking over to where you were sat on the kitchen counter.

“Great, whats on the menu today chef.” You joked, pulling him closer by his tie. Even when he was just at home he had to dress smart, not that you were complaining, he looked incredible in a suit.

He smirked up at you and kissed you softly, “I have something in mind.” His lips moving to kiss your jaw teasingly making you laugh.

“As much as I would love that, we only have an hour and I’m actually starving, so we have to make real food.” You said jumping down to open the fridge and inspect the basically non-existent contents.

“Oh wow, we really need to go grocery shopping.” Spencer spoke from behind you, his chin coming to rest on top of your head.

“Yeah, it has been a wh-ooo pancakes?” You said, spying the bottle of batter and reaching for it. “And its not out of date, yes!”

“Pancakes sound great, I’ll grab a pan.” He said, pulling off of you to grab whatever was needed, as you continued to scavange the fridge for anything else that might be edible.

“Ok,” you put the ingrediants down next to the soon to be filled plate of pancakes, “We have blueberries, maple syrup AND I found a can of whipped cream.” You smiled up at him and he returned it with a grin of his own.

“Sounds great babe, these will be done in a couple of minutes, wait watch me flip it.” He moved the pan away from the stove to face you and lifted it up causing the pancake to fly up and fall back down, only it ended up on the floor rather than in the pan.

You tried to hold back your giggles as his face fell into a small pout, “Nice try Spence, leave the flipping to the experts.” You reached to grab the pan from him and poured some more batter.

“No way, that was a fluke let me try again.” He said, but you used one finger to keep him away, before turning to face him with the pan.

“Watch this,” You said, more confidently than you shouldve, because the next thing you know the handle fell off the pan causing it to clatter on to the floor.

You and Spencer both stood there for a few seconds, jaws dropping in shock as you stared at the broken pan, contemplating how on earth that couldve happend. Finally, Spencer let out a loud laugh, causing you to look up at him and giggle uncontrollably.

“Oh my god, how-why- what just happened?” You tried to ask, failing to get through your sentence without bursting into another fit of laughter.

“Well, there goes our plan for pancakes. I suppose we could just have these blueberries... or we could order chinese.” He said pulling himself together before reaching into the drawer to grab a menu.

“Fine, but only if you get those spring rolls I love.” You said pointing the broke handle at him and beginning to clean up the mess from the broken pan.

“Of course, how could I forget....” He said, grinning cheekily at you as you rolled your eyes in amusement.

“Ok Mr. Eidetic Memory, you order and i’ll finish cleaning this up since I, unintentionally, made this mess.” You said. He nodded in agreement and left the room to grab his phone to place the order.

He came back a few moments later, and you were now sat back atop of the counter scrolling through your phone. You placed it down next to you as he approached you, once again settling in his place between your legs as you wrapped your arms around his neck.

“All done, they said it should be about 30 minutes so we’ll have to eat and zoom at the same time.” He said, placing a small kiss on your forehead.

“30 minutes huh? I guess we have time to go back to your previous plan...” You said, looking at him with a smirk.

“Yeah?” He asked as you nodded eagarly, squealing as he picked you up by your thighs, ready to move you to the couch.

“Wait!” You practically yelled, causing him to stop in a panic, checking to see if you were hurt. But all you did was look up at him with a devilish grin. “Don’t forget the whipped cream.”

And if you had to tip the delivery guy extra because you made him wait as you cleaned the stickiness off, well, it was worth it.

a/n feedback is appreciated :)

[pinkyoath]

if nothings done her way then its chaos. why cant it ever be enough for her. if someone does something for them it wont be exactly how they wanted it to be and who could give a fuck about it. in that moment youre just glad they had the right intentions. but it never feels that way with mom. its always bullshit about how we never help in the kitchen but once we do, or even try to do shit on our own, we get bashed about not doing anything right. then whats the point of entering the kitchen. everyone wonders why we like to cook when no ones there. nothing can ever be fun about it. cant clean up after ourselves cause we “dont know how” when its only cause we dont do it the way she likes it. the same goes for so much more. she doesnt like how i drive the car just cause she doesnt do it that way. we have had that talk too but it doesnt seem to get into her head. everything is just so dependent on her. even the mood the house. if shes mad then everyone has to be quiet. and why should it be that way. it was so embarrassing when we went to her friends house last christmas and they fought and her family member kept on asking us and looking at us for lowering our voices and toning our whole mood cause of mom when we shouldve just had a good time. and even if we did have a good time, it felt so bad talking about it with mom cause it felt like it was so wrong of us to do so. this shit is just driving us away from her and i dont see why she cant see it. god knows any second my sister messages me and starts rambling about this shit to me too. and what the fuck do i know what to do. i try to ease the situation but it just ends up backfiring and she gets mad at me too. i dont know how to handle shit. and less do i know how to talk about it. i just want to get away from this

[ivyuns]

violation❆♞♣

hwang hyunjin

genre: angst | bit of fluff

word count: 1.7k

warnings: swearing, mentions of guns, blood, death, pregnancy + not proof read oops lol

A/N: lol hyunjin kinda psycho in this

this was drowning in my drafts since may omg

masterlist

mafia!hyunjin x fembarista!reader

y/f/n = ur fiance’s name

you owned your own cafe in downtown seoul. your customers and employees were always great people and bought positivity around you. it was currently a busy day and everyone was in and out of the main entrance. the employees were trying their best to stay calm and keep a positivity mindset. you however, were distracted by the co-owner, hwang hyunjin.

hyunjin always seemed like that flirty but a suspicious type. everyone told you to stay away from him since you were little but how could you when you two were inseparable. it all started in kindergarten.

you were running around the classroom til your teacher yelled out “stop” and everyone looked at her. you saw a little boy. next to the teacher, waiting to be introduced. “hello kids, we have a new student! please introduce youself.” the teacher says.

“hi im sam hwang from korea. please take care of me” he says softly and hides. the teacher tells him theres nothing to be scared of and let him wonder around the classroom. you went up to him and introduced yourself. “hi sam! my name is y/n kwon. i’m also from korea!”. hyunjins head went up and eyes went big. “y-you’re from korea?!” he stuttered since he was lowkey excited that someone in his class was korean, just like him. you smiled and nodded your head. you grabbed his hand and dragged him to the playground to continue recess.

2 years later in summer, your best friend came over with his parents to tell these news. hyunjin came in your room with a sad smile as you were playing with your stuffed animals. you looked up and smiled at him, “hi hyunjin!” you said cheerfully, obviously in a better mood than him. “y/n, i need to tell you something” he said sadly. he went to go sit across of you and picked up some of the toys around your room.

“i’m moving back to korea.” you stopped your actions after hearing what he said. “moving? why?” you looked up at him. “m-my parents said it’s best for us to go back to korea because we only came here for my dad’s work, but he ended up leaving the job and now we’re going to go back” hyunjin looks up to see tears falling out of your eyes. he went to your side and hugged you, telling you that you’ll be spending quality time before he leaves.

-

after moving back to korea after years hyunjin left you, you opened your own cafe. as your shop was almost completed for the grand opening, hyunjin happened to pass by your shop. he looked through the window and saw a girl that looked so familiar to him.

knocking on the window to get your attention, you go the the door to unlock it and stick your head out of the window. “hyunjin?!” he looks at you with his eyes big. “y/n? what are you doing here?” hyunjin asks. “i recently moved here and now im starting a business” hyunjin nods his head.

“are you looking for any employees?” nodding your head. “yeah but i guess around this area, nobody wants to work at a cafe” you joked. “maybe i can help? i-i mean if you want to” hyunjin laughs. nodding your head, you lead him inside the cafe. hyunjin looks at your artwork and the nicely decorated shop, amazed.

handing a paper that has all the requirements and terms in order to start working here. after hyunjin was done signing it, you looked at the paper and gave him a thumbs up. “looks good! ill give you a call whenever we start” hyunjin nods his head and waves a goodbye to you.as hyunjin exits, he now knows where his target is.

2 hours earlier:

“hwang” chan calls out.

hyunjin looks up from his phone and sees chan carrying files. “remember that girl youd always talk about? kwon y/n? your childhood best friend back in america?” he nods. “apparently her dad is in a gang too and stole our money for whatever reason. so now your mission is to find her, bring her here, and kill her”

hyunjin gulps.‘why? did you do something wrong? what do you have to deal with this? does she know about this?’ all of hyunjins thoughts were about you. “ill do it”he knows he cant do it. but he has to or else he’ll be kicked out of stray kids. after moving back to korea and his parents suddenly passing, he was lonely. until stray kids saved him from being in the dark and invited him to their family. he gladly accepted.

hyunjin goes to his room and does research about you. he finds your instagram and sees that youre opening a cafe around the little area of downtown seoul which was a few hours away from his place. after enough of his little research, he grabs his jacket and heads out to find you.

present time:

the first week of the grand opening was a hassle. the cafe was always packed and made the employees feel stressed. as the cafe was almost settled, you told the workers to take a break as you and hyunjin will do everything else.

finishing an iced americano, you could see from the corner of your eyes and sees hyunjins strange actions. ignoring it, you gave the drink to the correct customer and continued making drinks.

-

closing time finally happened and everyone left out a huge sigh. having a group meeting, you gave everyone their weekly paycheck. “thank you everyone for working hard. i will see you tomorrow morning!” you waved goodbye and smiled. as soon as you saw almost everyone leave, you turned around and started cleaning.

hyunjin goes next to you and helps you clean the counters and machines. “jin, you know you can leave you know?” you told him as hyunjin lets out a chuckle. “nah its alright. plus as the second ceo, i shall help you” hyunjin winks. stopping your actions, you playfully smack hyunjin across his chest. “hey hey, im just joking. but still, after we finish cleaning, ill take you home” “but you said you have an exam tomorrow? shouldnt you be going home and start studying?” you asked. hyunjin nods his head, defeated. “alright you got me. i promise ill take you home another time” nodding your head, he goes and gets his belongings and leaves.

quickly cleaning the shop, you turn off all the lights and lock all of the doors. turning around to see the whole cafe in one point of view, a smile grew on your face. plugging your earphones in to walk home with your music blasting and texting your family group chat.

y/n: on my way home. the cafe was a success this week :)

mum <3: cheers to a successful opening

dad: come home safely, my son in law is waiting for you

smiling from the excitement, you started walking down the street to get to your house. as you entered this street, it was dark with the moonlight shining. feeling someone following you, you turned around and saw nobody. pulling up hyunjins contact on your phone just in case something happened, you continued walking in a fast pace, turning the volume down.

feeling the same aura from before, you quickly pressed the call button but you heard the familiar ringtone.

“sleep tight princess”

you wake up feeling sore and lost of warmth. opening your eyes, youre in a room thats filled with drywalls and a hwang hyunjin to your left, sitting on a chair. “h-hyunjin?” you called out his name. he looks up from your phone after reading every conversation you had that was about him. “the princess has finally awoken from her slumber” hyunjin smirks.

hyunjin gets off of the chair and goes by your side, lifting your chin up. trying to protest only to be stopped as you felt your limbs tied up. “now now princess, no need to get feisty” hyunjin laughs. “what the fuck do you want hyunjin” “hmm? you really dont know?” shaking your head, hyunjin gets up and walks around the room.

“so, youre saying you dont know what your dad has been doing? the fact that he stole money from me just to help you other with the small disgusting shop of yours?” it hurt. both you and hyunjin. hyunjin wanted to give his mission up and hug you, wipe your tears away and apologize. you were more than hurt. more like angry. hyunjin knew you wanted a cafe when you grew up and he supported you more than anything.

“the fuck are you talking about? youre assuming that my dad stole money from you? from what information is getting in that head of yours?” you shouted out. hyunjin grabs his gun and clicks it. you hear the click and your attention is immediately on hyunjin. “h-hyunjin whatever youre wanting to do, put the gun down first” hyunjin closes his eyes as he feels fresh tears escaping and shakes his head.

“hwang hyunjin! do you not know what youre about to do? tell me what you want from us. we’ll give you your money back- anything just dont pull it-” you stopped talking as soon as you see him point the gun at you. “please hyunjin dont. im pregnant-”

he pulled the trigger.

everyone in the house heard the gun go off and goes to the basement. stopping as they heard hyunjins sobs, they see him on his knees, holding your bloody body and cries into your hair.

chan goes to hyunjin and pats him on the back. “you finally did it hwang”

as hyunjin takes his seat during your funeral, he sees your family and y/f/n go up the stage. after each family member said what they had to say about you and your death, as well as your unborn baby, everybody was now crying their eyes out. “my sunshine. thank you for everyone you love feel happy and we are deeply happy that you were able to start your own business. with the past events, i shouldve came by and picked you up from work before i lost both you and our child. without your presence, nothing will bring a smile onto my face. i love you so much kwon y/n, and i hope you fly high with our baby girl”

-

lowering your casket down, everyone leaned on each other, crying after they realized the kwon y/n has suddenly passed for an unknown reason at a young age. hyunjin just leaned on a pole and cried. looking up in the sky, he see something that had a little smile form on his face.

‘you’ll be next, hwang’

hyunjin gets into reality and turns around to see who whispered to him. seeing nobody, hyunjins future is now crumbling.

END <3

tf is the end 🥴