#the pansexual in me jumped out at that first tag…

[etherealising]

wow i’m early? this is crazy!

a bit sad you’re so early, what am i gonna look forward to now? : (

this was such a beautiful chapter, and while it hurt like hell it is one of my favorites. you write every word with such intention, and it truly doesn’t go unnoticed. you also continue to handle such heavy themes with a realness and grace that is so incredible. just all around in awe of your talent.

stop!!! this is so kind it’s crazy what stringing a few words together can do (like it’s obviously more than that but that’s how i feel sometimes) i’m just so happy i have people like you to share it with it just makes it all the more meaningful! 🩵

“And then I…I fucked that relationship up myself…uhh and as I sat there trying to think of what provided amusement or joy in my life…I just thought of my childhood spent with her…by my side.”

okay so yeah! once again you’ve found a way to make the heartbreaking scenes of the show hurt just that much more! this is also an impressive feat in that you continue to nail carmys tone (which i can imagine is incredibly difficult) and write lines that flow into the actual script without it feeling disjointed.

writing this man is so fucking stressful like why is it so hard but like also please pay these fucking writers because this shit is not easy AND THEY PUT THEY FOOT IN IT EVERY SINGLE TIME! (not that i’m comparing my fic to screenwriting lol)

“Carmy left the meeting hoping Claire didn’t call the number he gave her, hoping that you would be open to rekindling whatever relationship was left between you two.”

carmy left the meeting with 2 less brain cells than he arrived with if he really thinks that dumb shit isn’t going to come back around

he’s just a smidge delulu

“Chef Luca?”

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUTTHEFUCKUP!!! i love that you just keep throwing fuel on the jealous carmy fire

it’s what we deserve!

“Yeah, he taught me the simple syr-.”

OH MY GOD YES!!! i’m geeking so hard about this right now!!!! you planted the seeds of jealousy for this and now they are starting to sprout and it’s even better than i was anticipating.

i have this hc that luca and baby get along swimmingly because they both wanted to fuck carmy so bad 🤭

“he was now sure more than ever that there was a chance to fix things with you.”

this is so famous last words - sorry carmy you haven’t done enough groveling yet my luv<3

legit like no groveling and he thinks everything will just go back to normal

“I can assure you Carmy would not give a single fuck if you touched my breast, Neil.”

and i can assure you that carmy would give many MANY fucks

bestie poo was fuming as he listened to that convo

“I’m not doing this because I want to Baby.” Nat’s voice took on a gravelly tone.”

oof this line hurts for so many reasons - nat is probably living with the same ‘would’ve could’ve shouldve’ that baby is and feels even more pressure to help keep baby clean than she would’ve otherwise. and on the other hand, this has gotta sting for baby too - a brutal reminder of how much her actions are weighing on nat. it’s just a sharp knife for everyone involved.

right. because at the end of the day these two were first and foremost friends and while that friendship is still there, they’re both now in such a compromised situation because of what happened. i also think Natalie feels like she’s the only one who can help baby because she was there through it all and as much as she wants baby to be honest with everyone else in her life its not something she’s willing to force on her, but nat def needs to be a little selfish sometimes.

“If it’s important they’ll leave a voicemail.”

that is a not fun parallel. baby is going to have trauma around vociemails for the rest of eternity.

this parallel was actually so unintentional but that trauma is definitely there.

“Yeah…fuckng bizarre.” You could feel the lump forming in your throat.”

this sucks but also i’m glad it’s blowing up right in front of his face, maybe it’ll actually solidify the lesson he so desperately needs to learn. but also youch!! not baby getting thrown back to her senior year insecurities and wingwoman status.

right like baby has been so good at hiding how his actions affect her but now that it’s happening in real time he deserves to see what he has constantly done to her. i know our poor baby being relegated to second best once again

“You’re too sweet. You know how it is people change, they grow apart. I just think Carmy outgrew me.” It was becoming harder and harder to swallow your tears.”

ugh i love you - the way that she’s speaking to carmy through speaking to claire? iconic and heartbreaking.

it physically pained me to write ‘i just think carmy outgrew me’ because not only is carmy getting a look into how baby feels, she’s also accepting the fact that its the reality of their relationship at this point.

“Why are you the way you are?”

this is so serious but i am laughing so hard

no same i immediately burst out laughing whenever i see this line i can’t explain it. like do you know how tired someone has to be of your shit to say that to you?

“Carmen I have lost pieces of u- of myself to you, Carmen.”

oh shit, so he doesn’t even know about the baby? i’m not even shocked because it’s so on brand, but yikes is their web getting beyond tangled.

clueless carmy strikes again!

“I’m a hypocrite, Rich,” you separated yourself from him, locking eyes. “I blamed Carmy for so much out there…but I’ve done something so unforgivable, I don’t think you’ll look at me the same.”

my mind is feeling with all the possibilities of what happened with the baby. did she not know about the pregnancy and lost it in the overdose or from drug usage? did she lose the pregnancy to miscarriage and then fall into drugs from the combined trauma? did she get an abortion that she’s regretting? there’s so many ways that this could’ve gone down and all of them are equally harrowing. my heart is absolutely breaking for her, she shouldn’t have to carry this guilt - alone nonetheless.

the final reveal will be a lot…i don’t even wanna think about it, i can assure though that it is the tamest option of the bunch.

“There were two things in the world Richie didn’t play about, little Eva; and you.”

I LOVE THIS.

ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITE LINES TO WRITE!

“While Richie was crying over the sister he almost lost; you cried over the lives you ruined”

i just, truly have no words. this is so haunting and well written.

i love these two with my entire being.

“What purpose did he have if he couldn’t even keep his last promise to Mikey?”

don’t even start with me rn

i just like making all of us suffer apparently

“The journal began as a way for him to express what he felt for you, but as the months went on and the writing became a part of his routine they turned into letters to you he’d never have the guts to send”

this journal might end up being his saving grace.

boys lucky he sentimental

chapter six | didn’t i do it for you?

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣

pairing: carmen berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!richie jerimovich x fem!reader | platonic!natalie berzatto x fem!reader | platonic!neil fak x fem!reader

summary: carmy knows exactly what he wants regarding you, but past mistakes always come to rear their ugly heads

warning(s): angst | hurt slight comfort | slight fluff | semi-jealous carmy | mentions of substance abuse | mentions of overdose | mikey | mentions of suicide | implied miscarriage | language | self-destructive behavior | arguments | forced love confessions | carmy’s sad boi hours | actions having consequences | more barby lore | children | no use of y/n | afab reader |

wc: 10.9k

a/n: hi lovies, this chapter may be a bit heavier than previous ones so please take the warnings extra seriously. if you are triggered by any warning please do not read this chapter i’ll literally message you a summary of the chapter if you need it. i may have missed some warnings so if that’s the case i do apologize it was not intentional. lastly please remember YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN MEDIA COSUMPTION….enjoy 🩵

“You know, I-I don’t think my family meant to ruin it or anything like that, you know.”

Carmy was trying to be better, to be more open. And it was easiest at these Al-Anon meetings, no one knew him, and no one had any expectations of him.

“I-I don’t think they did it on purpose,” his hand subconsciously raised to the chain securely tucked under his crew neck, rubbing the metal through the fabric.

“I don-it’s not fair to blame them for everything,” a sardonic huff of laughter escaped Carmy as he thought of the words he was going to say. “I uh…I had a friend once…a best friend.”

“She was the first thing in life that I felt belonged to me,” Carmy frowned, having trouble articulating what he wanted to say. “And not li- I didn’t own her or anything, but she was my friend because she chose to be, not because she knew me through Mikey.”

“And then I…I fucked that relationship up myself…uhh and as I sat there trying to think of what provided amusement or joy in my life…I just thought of my childhood spent with her…by my side.” He cleared his throat forcing himself to remember that he would probably never interact with any of these people outside of these meetings.

Carmy’s hand dropped from its place where his covered chain sat, now gripping the armchair. “She’s uh she’s back in my life now and I…I want those things with her again I…I want to fix things with her, be the person she believes I am.”

Sydney’s curiosity the other day gave Carmy a lot to think about. He was so accustomed to looking at the picture above his stove daily, that he hadn’t even given it a second thought when he invited Sydney over. Her curiosity was understandable, the interactions you and Carmy shared hadn’t been the warmest but that Polaroid would suggest otherwise.

“Yeah. Anyway, I’m happy to be here.” Carmy sat straighter in his chair, if he could admit his wants albeit vaguely to a room of strangers, he could admit his feelings to you. “Thank you, guys. Thanks for letting me share.”

Then he saw you at the grocery store, comfortable in someone else’s arms. He wasn’t jealous, or at least he didn’t think he was. But reality slapped him in the face, so sure of himself that the two of you could pick up where you left off he didn’t stop to think that maybe you didn’t want that anymore.

And then like the idiot he was, he gave Claire your number. He wanted to believe it wasn’t on purpose, that he had memorized your number so well it was the first he thought of when asked.

Carmy left the meeting hoping Claire didn’t call the number he gave her, hoping that you would be open to rekindling whatever relationship was left between you two.

Your morning was off to a great start. Hayden surprised you with breakfast at the office and signed off on your article for The Bear as long as it didn’t get in the way of your work at The Tribune. The two of you even brainstormed the best way to go about telling the story.

Since your late-night grocery run with Hayden, the two of you had fallen back into the friendship you developed all those years ago. It felt good to be reconnected with him, and thankfully things weren’t awkward considering your past sexual history.

Neither of you admitted to it, but you both knew the opportunity to fall back into your old ways would soon present itself, you weren’t sure if it was an option you would take advantage of though. The two of you weren’t in college anymore and as pathetic as it sounded since your vulnerable conversation with Carmy the other day, your heart still held out hope that the two of you could build up the foundation for a romantic relationship.

Rounding the corner of Orleans Street you finally made it to your destination, happy to have taken in the fresh air mid-morning had to offer. You approached the door to the restaurant hoping someone would hear your knock and let you in.

You smiled as Sydney opened the door moving back to allow you in, you reached up to slide your headphones off as you greeted both her and Carmy.

“Good morning, is Nat in?” The text you received on the train ride over from the oldest Berzatto was pushed to the back of your mind until now.

The urgent ‘we need to talk,’ text had worried you at first, but you had rationalized that Nat could’ve been referring to anything.

“Uh yeah, she’s in the office.” You nodded at Syd giving her a small smile in thanks before turning to make your way to the back.

“Oh hey, do you like have a second or…” You stopped in your tracks turning back to face the two chefs looking between them curiously before nodding once more.

You smiled waiting for one of them to speak, “Uh yeah can we make this quick though I need to speak with Nat.” You did your best to sound nonchalant, the longer you stood out here the more your anxiety began to rise, mind racing with what Nat needed to speak with you about.

“Yeah yeah of course,” Sydney stepped away from the door moving near Carmy who had remained silent since your entrance. “We were thinking of sending Marcus to Copenhagen and I know you stayed there, not like in a weird way but because I read your articles you know.”

You nodded your head eyebrows raised as a signal for Sydney to continue. You did your best to ignore Carmy’s stare while Syd rambled on about their idea and how the trip would help to inspire Marcus.

“…So we were wondering if you had any suggestions?” Her raised eyebrows stared back at you.

“Sorry suggestions for what?” The confusion was easily readable on your face, Syd’s excitement at the prospect overwhelmed you.

You watched as the two chefs stared at you, Carmy’s signature blank stare and Syd’s slightly hurt reaction that you weren’t paying attention.

“Oh uh for accommodations…in Copenhagen.”

The question surprised you, eyes darting to Carmy before focusing back on Sydney. You knew Carmen spent time in Copenhagen, so the fact that they were asking you for suggestions seemed a bit redundant.

Albeit stunned by the questions you smiled moving towards where the two of them were sitting, memories of your month spent in Copenhagen playing in your mind like a movie. The trip was months before Mikey’s passing and now as you think about it, it felt like that was the last time you had fun, and lived life without the worry that so often filled you now.

A chuckle left your lips as you leaned against the counter looking from Syd to Carmy, “I uh I stayed with the chef I was profiling.” You bit your lip trying to contain the grin threatening to split your lips, “I still have his number I could call him if you want. He kind of owes me a favor anyway.”

Carmy’s arms fashioned themselves across his chest, a frown pulling at his eyebrows. There was so much he didn’t know about you including the fact that you had spent time in Europe with some mystery chef.

“Oh yeah? What uh-who was the chef you wrote about? Maybe I know him.” Carmy’s words surprised you, the look you exchanged with Sydney proved that he didn't come across as casual as he was trying to.

You raised from your position against the counter, “Chef Luca?” Your voice trailed off a bit before the smile you were trying to contain finally made its appearance, “He’s this amazing pastry chef, who’s so passionate about his craft it was like watching a master at work!”

Carmy watched as you gushed about his former colleague, annoyance clawing at his throat as he took notice of just how happy the memories made you.

“Luca even taught me how to make this crazy dessert he was still perfecting, I mean mine was nothing compared to his but it was honestly the most fun I’d had in so long.” You reminisced about your time spent with Luca, “Oh, and my peach cobbler? Yeah, he taught me the simple syr-.”

“No yeah, I’m familiar with him.” Both you and Sydney were pulled from your animated conversation; the tight smile on Carmy’s face alerted you of his irritation.

You nodded, feeling a little bad at your rambling, “Okay well I’ll just go see Nat now, let me know if you need me to make that call.” You drummed your hands against the counter before turning around to take your leave.

“Hey uh, Baby?” You turned your head before disappearing around the corner eyebrows raised as you looked at Carmy. “Do you think we could maybe talk later?” You watched as his hand came up to scratch the back of his neck.

Sydney watched the interaction play out between the two of you, a small smirk lining her lips as she watched how flustered Carmy got just by asking you a simple question.

Your lips tugged up into a small smile, “Sure thing Carm, I’ll come back when I’m done with Nat.”

Carmy was sure his heart was beating so loud Sydney could hear it, the nickname something he hadn’t heard spilled from your lips in so long. The small smile he briefly caught did wonders for his already lacking confidence, he was now sure more than ever that there was a chance to fix things with you.

You entered the office to see Natalie pouring over documents presumably to do with permits and money in regards to the restaurant. You took a step forward momentarily stopping at Nat’s voice.

“Close and lock the door behind you please,” The lack of eye contact was grating on your nerves, either Natalie was completely stressed about her role as project manager or you had yet again colossally fucked up.

You did as told not wanting to further irritate your very pregnant friend. The office was silent neither of you spoke up as Natalie finished looking over the latest paper she had picked up.

She looked exhausted and you felt horrible knowing you had potentially added more stress onto her already-loaded plate. Nat gave you a small smile though her eyes looked anything but happy.

“Cortez called me this morning,” Nat’s eyebrows raised as she pointedly stared at you. Your head fell back against the door a quiet ‘fuck’ mumbled into the air. “Said this was the third meeting you missed.”

Nat waited for you to return your attention to her, “I’m only going to ask you this once Baby, and I really need you to be honest with me.” Nat leaned forward in the chair, closing a bit of the space between you so you would hear her quiet voice, “Are you using again?”

You sighed leave it to Cortez to fucking snitch you out, you didn’t realize that being a snitch was a requirement if you were someone’s sponsor.

“Baby?” Your eyes connected with Nat’s the softness of her voice and the watery appearance in her eyes told you just how worried she was.

Your head shook back and forth rapidly as you raised your hand to massage your temples, “I’m not using Nat I promise. And I know that means jack shit coming from an addict but I promise I’m doing good.” You took a deep breath calming your budding agitation, you knew Nat was worried and it wasn’t her that you were annoyed at but yourself.

“I uh…I’ve been stuck on step eight since I joined this whole rebranding project, and I…I knew that Cortez would be persistent in me getting it done.” You grimaced at the fact that you had already missed three meetings, you hadn’t realized how far things had gotten, “It’s just things felt normal again and I guess I thought I could just pretend like everything was okay.”

Natalie nodded as she listened to your explanation, she hated it but there was always a part of her that would be apprehensive. She had seen the manipulation substance abuse breeds firsthand when she stayed with you in the hospital after your overdose, it hurt her to see you hurting. To sit back and watch as the withdrawal symptoms ate away at you as you would fiend for a fix that you took your pain out on her and Pete.

Nat quickly turned to where her purse was sitting pulling out a box the two of you were all too familiar with.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Your face scrunched up in anger, the emotion slowly residing as you watched Nat close her eyes and take a deep breath in. You felt like a complete asshole you knew Nat wasn’t doing this of her own volition and you had no one to blame but yourself for the predicament you were now in.

“Nat shit, I’m sorry you didn’t deserve that. But you really can’t expect me to take that here.” Your hand thrust out to the box that seemed to be taunting you.

“Baby you know the rules. I don’t like this as much anymore than you but when you just decide you don’t need to meet with your sponsor anymore, these are the measures we have to resort to.”

“Lead the way, Mom.” Natalie let out a small chuckle at your antics, thankful that you were being somewhat logical, “Wait is there a bag we can throw this away in, we can’t just leave the evidence in the bathroom.” The two of you turned to search through the office sure you would find a stray plastic bag lying somewhere.

You popped up, a plastic baggie securely in your grasp, “Does the toilet even work?” Nat shrugged, walking past you and making her way to the bathroom leaving you to follow behind.

“Aww yeah, party in the bathroom! Am I invited?” Nat stopped as Fak stood in front of the two of you hastily moving the bag behind her back doing her best to be inconspicuous.

“Sorry my love girls only, maybe next time,” Nat gave Fak a pat on the shoulder and her signature smile before maneuvering the two of you around him.

“Wait, is it that time of the month for us? Cause I think our cycles might be synced, I’ve been having the most insane cramps lately.” The words that left Fak’s mouth would never cease to surprise you.

“You know, I think you might be right Fak, my lower back has been killing me.” You indulged in Fak’s shenanigans, the man falling in line to walk with you as the two of you followed Natalie to the front.

Fak nodded along with you “No I’m like feeling it, should I invest in a heating pad?”

You snickered at Fak, “I usually just fill up a sock with rice and throw it in the microwave.” You shrugged like the conversation was a completely normal occurrence. “The first day is always the worst for me, my breasts get so tender.”

Fak raised his own hands to his chest cupping his pecs “Baby tell me about it, it’s just like one touch and I’m crying.” You could see Carmy’s confused look from your peripheral as your group finally made it to the bathroom.

“I could totally massage your breast Fak, but you would have to return the favor. It's only fair if you’re a part of the sisterhood.” You watched as Fak nodded his head rapidly, hands raising in the air and hovering in front of your breast.

“Wait, is this an actual thing?”

“Oh yeah me and Nat do it all the time, that’s actually why we’re going to the bathroom now.” Fak’s eyes darted to Nat before looking back at his hands inching closer to your breast.

“Wait no, I don’t want Carmy to be mad at me.” The two of you looked in Carmy’s direction, the man still watching just as confused as earlier.

You shrugged before turning back to Fak, “I can assure you Carmy would not give a single fuck if you touched my breast, Neil.”

The aforementioned man took in a gasp of breath before clearing his throat and slowly moving down the counter to get a better listen at what the hell the two of you were doing.

You, Nat, and Carmy waited to see what Fak’s next move would be, the smile raising to your face hard to keep under wraps, Fak was adorably easy to mess with.

Fak’s hands began to inch forward concentration clear as day on his face before a small shriek left his lips, “Baby I’m sorry, Carmy’s my best friend, I don’t think I can do this for you.”

You laughed at the disappointment in Fak’s voice, “Your loss babes, I know 16-year-old Fak would’ve killed for this moment.” Your hand raised to pat his cheek before you finally left his side and entered the bathroom as Nat held the door open for you.

“She was lying to you my love, we don’t massage each other's breasts.” With those last words, Nat shut the door on a disappointed Fak and a mildly annoyed Carmy.

Fak turned back to look at Carmy with an apology in his eyes, “I’m so sorry Carmy, teenage Fak was really fighting to come out right now but I know Baby’s your girl.”

Carmy frowned at Fak’s words, the irritation running through him at yours and Fak’s stupid antics. “She’s uh…she’s not my girl. Baby and I are just friends.”

Fak smiled widely in Carmy’s direction, “That’s great, you really should think about getting a girlfriend then, I just want you to be happy Carmy.” Fak began walking to the back to help move the appliances. Carmy let out a chuckle as he heard Fak mumble about missing his once-in-a-lifetime chance.

Carmy shook his head back and forth, having you back really was just like old times. He wouldn’t ever say anything out loud but Carmy was actually really glad he didn’t have to stand there and watch Fak fondle you.

“Pete said the two of you have a lunch date planned.” Your head shot up to Nat, the air had been a little stilted between the two of you since she had brandished the drug test.

A laugh bubbled out of you, “Doesn’t seem like the proper environment for a casual chat Nat.” You gestured to the dinghy bathroom you were in, emphasizing the urine sample sitting on the sink while the two of you awaited the results.

You watched the smile rise to Natalie’s lips, a somber look overcast on her face, “I’m not doing this because I want to Baby.” Nat’s voice took on a gravelly tone.

Natalie didn’t deserve this, she had already basically nursed you back to health once. And now here she and Pete were about to bring a life into this world, and here you were a grown adult still expecting everyone else to fix your problems. You knew Natalie didn’t need the stress and worry your life choices brought forth and if your overdose wasn’t a wake-up call enough, then Nat’s haggard appearance as you two stood in the bathroom sure was.

“I know and I apologize Nat. Really livin' up to my nickname aren’t I?” Nat chuckled listening to your apology. “There’s no excuse for my behavior. I know what’s expected of me I-”

Your words were cut off by the shrill ringing of your phone. The noise caused the two of you to jolt in the small bathroom. You quickly removed the device from your back pocket, it was a Chicago area code, but you already had everyone you knew here saved in your contacts.

“You gonna answer that?” Your eyes flashed to Nat, her eyebrows raised in question.

You took one last glance at the number trying to place it before clicking the power button and slipping it back into your pocket, “If it’s important they’ll leave a voicemail.”

“Anyway, I shouldn’t constantly depend on you to clean up my messes Nat, I don’t think I’ve been the best friend recently. And it should be you depending on me considering,” you waved your hand over her figure scared that if you spoke the word someone might hear. “I promise to do better Nat, I want to be around to help with the little gremlin.”

Nat raised her hand to wipe the few tears that were falling, making her way over to pull you into an embrace, “These damn hormones make me so emotional.”

You chuckled rubbing up and down Natalie’s back, “You’d be crying even if you weren’t compromised.”

The hug lasted up until the timer on Nat’s phone sounded, signaling the results were ready. The two of you pulled apart, with Nat sending you a reassuring smile.

It didn’t matter if you knew you hadn’t touched any substances since your hospitalization, you would always be nervous when it was time to read off the results. You waited with bated breath as Nat read over the testing stick, you would set up a meeting with Cortez as soon as you got the chance.

The sigh of relief Natalie let out stung you a bit, but you could understand her apprehension it wasn’t easy trusting a recovering addict.

“It’s negative Babes.” A sigh of relief left you.

A wide grin raising to your lips, “I told you so.” Nat rolled her eyes at the sing-song sound of your voice.

The two of you made quick work of cleaning up the bathroom, small talk about your future lunch with Pete floating around as you made sure all evidence was disposed of in the plastic bag.

Carmy watched as Sugar exited the bathroom the same drugstore bag from earlier in her hand. He sent a nod in her direction as she smiled at him before making her leave. Carmy was set to meet up with Syd in 30 minutes but he was hoping to speak with you before he took his leave, unsure if you would still be here later.

He returned his attention to the calendars with the timeline to open, checking off things that had already been taken care of and adding anything he wanted to double-check.

“You free to talk now, Carm?” He turned at the sound of your voice, a shy smile lining his cheeks as he took in the smile on your lips.

“Uh yeah, yeah if you’re free,” You nodded, coming to stand across from Carmy the old counter directly between you two.

Carmy’s eyes took in the sweater you were wearing, similar to the style in his but while his was a nice grey color, yours was a deep green. The familiarity of the crew neck finally dawned on him as he realized it was his crew neck you were wearing, the last time he saw it was the night he left you in his apartment all those months ago expecting to still see you there when he returned home.

It was silent as the two of you stared at each other, a giggle escaped your lips at the lost look on Carmy’s face. “What’d you wanna talk about Carmy?”

Carmy nodded trying to remove the memories from his mind, “I uh…I know I ruined our friendship and…and whatever was left of it.” He paused, eyes falling to the crew neck carefully wrapped around you, the memory of watching you get dressed after the shower you shared swimming around in his head, the extra pictures of the two of you tucked safely into his bedside drawer.

“Carm hey,” he watched as your knuckles knocked against the counter to bring him back to the present time.

“Yeah, I uh I just have a lot I think we should talk about Baby, and maybe the restaurant wasn’t the best place for it.” He reached up to scratch the back of his neck, nerves running haywire.

You nodded a serious look painted on your face, you were sure you knew what Carmen wanted to speak about but you also had secrets of your own you wanted to share with him.

“I…I want us to try and be friends again or at least be cordial with each other…if that’s not too much to ask.” Carmy huffs out a breath of laughter, eyes latching onto your figure in front of him.

He watches as you appear to be thinking, most likely retracing the path of your relationship through the years memories running through your head that he has absolutely no idea exists.

“Carmy, you’ve never not been my friend but a lot of your choices hurt m-.” Your phone rang again echoing off the walls in the front of the restaurant.

You gave Carmy a small smile before removing your phone, the number that’s calling you is the same one that called while you were in the bathroom with Nat earlier. You raise your finger to Carmy, gesturing that you need to take the call.

“Hello.” You wait as the other line stays quiet.

“Baby?”

You frown looking up at Carmy as he watches you hoping your call ends soon, “Uh I’m sorry who is this?”

“Oh, it’s me, uh…Claire. We lived down the street from each other as kids?” A gasp escaped your lips, surprised that she was calling you.

You move the phone from your mouth. Hand moving up to cover it as your eyes find Carmy’s “It’s Claire.” Your whisper takes a moment to register in his ears, too caught up in the bright smile on your face.

“Wow, it's so good to hear from you. Um, I hope I don’t sound rude but how exactly did you get my number?” You watched as Carmy ran a hand across his mouth, eyes wide your name slipped past his lips the dire need to get you off that call racing through him.

You held your finger up to him signaling to give you a moment, too wrapped up in miraculously connecting with an old friend.

“Oh um, this is going to sound weird. I uh…I ran into Carmy the other night at the grocery store and when I asked him for his number…this is the number he gave me.” You listened as Claire spoke, the smile quickly disappearing from your lips as your eyes found Carmy’s alarmed ones.

“Carmen gave you my number?” You watched the regret flash through his eyes.

“Mhm.”

“And claimed it was his?”

“Uh kinda yeah, it’s a bit weird but maybe he was just planning to call you or something.” A small laugh left your lips, if he hadn’t called you since he last saw you, you could bet he had no plans to ever call you.

“Yeah…fuckng bizarre.” You could feel the lump forming in your throat.

“Sorry if this is weird but do you think you could give me his number?” It felt like senior year all over again and you were the bridge between these two souls

An ironic smile rose to your lips as you stared directly at Carmy, the panic glaringly obvious in his eyes because he couldn’t hear Claire’s responses.

“Oh, Claire Bear I’m so sorry I haven’t spoken to Carmy in what’s it been?” You paused your glare on Carmy impenetrable.

“Five years, since high school graduation. I don’t even have his number.” The crack in your voice was evident to all who could hear, Carmy wished he could disappear at that moment.

“Oh no, is everything okay with you two?”

“You’re too sweet. You know how it is people change, they grow apart. I just think Carmy outgrew me.” It was becoming harder and harder to swallow your tears.

“Wow, I’m sorry to hear that Baby. But I heard you're back in Chicago, maybe we can catch up?”

“Claire I’d love that, hey before you go try Fak for Carmy’s number I’ve heard they’re extremely close now, have a great rest of your day!” You listened as Claire said her goodbyes quickly, hanging up and placing your phone back in its designated pocket.

It was silent as you raised your head to the ceiling, a disbelieving laugh escaped your lips as you felt the tears trace down your cheeks. You were getting fucking tired of crying.

“Baby hey, hey let me exp-,” Carmy’s pleas were cut short as both of your eyes shot to his now ringing phone on the counter. Neither of you needed to be a fucking genius to figure out who was ringing Carmy’s line.

“Answer quickly Carmen, your little girlfriend is calling.” You knew it was petty and you shouldn’t be upset with Claire for chasing after what she wanted, but for once you didn’t want to be the one fighting for scraps of Carmy’s affection.

You didn’t want to have to share.

His hand quickly shot out pressing the power button on the side silencing the ringing, taking the extra step and turning it face down as he watched you just stare at it.

“Baby I-,”

“Why are you the way you are?” You were tired of putting Carmy and his feelings ahead of yourself, tired of running yourself ragged to accommodate your feelings for a grown man who was too scared of the truth.

“I-” You took a deep breath to collect your thoughts. “I’m so hurt right now Carmen and I want to be angry, I want to be so fucking angry with you but I’m just hurt and exhausted, and I…I really don’t even want to waste my breath on you right now, but I’ve put up with a lot of your shit and I think I’m just done.” Carmy flinched at the sardonic laugh you let loose.

“It hurts Carmen…it hurts when the person you’ve been truly in love with for most of your life doesn’t even treat you like an option.” You ignored the sharp intake of breath that came from Carmen’s direction, surprised he even had the guts to listen to your rant.

The ringing in his ears along with your broken voice overwhelmed him.

“I have lived so much of my life for you and yeah I was stupid for that, but all I wanted was your happiness and all I wanted was happiness with you. I have given so much of myself to you Carmen I have lost pieces of u- of myself to you, Carmen.” The tears were raining down in full force.

It was one thing to cry when you were hurt but to cry out of anger and exhaustion would probably always be the worst feeling.

“All I wanted was for you to love me the way I loved you…the way I will continue loving you after today because the way I feel for you won’t just go away Carmen it will be stuck with me forever! What I lost to you will be stuck with me forever! And…and we spend this amazing weekend together and I accept that you can’t commit to me and I give you the benefit of the doubt because Mikey just died and you…fuck.” Your hand slammed against the counter top your thoughts all over the place.

“You take my number that you’ve had for a year and you give it to some girl that you had some stupid pathetic high school fucking crush on. I’m not even worth a fucking phone call to you Carmen! And I…I’m not even supposed to be here right now but you wouldn’t fucking know because your too much of a fucking coward to allow yourself to be loved to be happy!”

You could feel the oncoming migraine from how loud you were shouting, you did your best to ignore the gathering crowd, Nat and Richie at the forefront watching with worried glances, as Marcus Fak and the rest of the crew peaked through from the back.

A shuddering breath floated through your lips as you felt the lifetime of exhaustion catch up with you. “I almost gave you all of me Carmen. Please just leave me alone” The words escaped your throat in a hoarse whisper. You were so far gone that you couldn’t even see the look of heartbreak and despair marring Carmen’s features.

“Baby, hey!” Your eyes shot to Richie as he blocked your line of vision to Carmen's. Head shaking back and forth arms slowly reaching out before coming to rest on your biceps thumbs gently massaging into them. “Let’s take a break Baby calm down a bit yeah?” He nodded his head waiting for you to nod along before he led you to the back, making sure to block your view of Carmen.

You were shaking as the two of you made your way past Nat a whispered ‘I’m sorry’ leaving your lips as she was left to deal with the mess that was Carmy.

“Fuck!” The loud crashes of a heavy object slamming into the floor caused you to jump in Richie’s hold as he led you back into the office.

Little tremors shook through your body as Richie carefully guided you to sit in the lone office chair. Taking his position by your legs as he squatted in front of you, worry etched into his features at having never seen you react like that.

Your hands came to grip Richie's, the tear tracks on your face now dried, you were almost positive you had run out of tears to cry.

“I lost everything, Richie,” your voice was strained. “And I…I spared him because I knew he couldn’t handle it, you knew he couldn’t handle it…not after Mikey.”

Richie’s eyes squeezed closed as he raised your intertwined hands to his forehead, haunting memories of you forcing their way through. He dropped your hands delicately cupping your face to press a kiss on your forehead, “I know Baby.” The words were spoken softly against your skin.

The two of you sat in that position as you gained control of your ragged breathing.

“I’m a hypocrite, Rich,” you separated yourself from him, locking eyes. “I blamed Carmy for so much out there…but I’ve done something so unforgivable, I don’t think you’ll look at me the same.” You wanted to cry but the exhaustion ate away at you.

“Hey I’ve been through some shit Baby, we’ve been through some shit, nothing,” the firm grip on your chin reminded you of the lost soul who should’ve been in the room with you two. “Look at me when I’m talking to you. Nothing you say will change how I look at you.”

It was always weird to see Richie serious and the voice of reason, not that he didn’t have his moments, but seeing Rich without his signature smile made it feel like you had stripped him of something so personal.

“How bout this, Sug or I take you before you beat Carmy’s ass,” the sentence drew a small laugh out of you. “And then I’ll come over when I’m done here, pick up some dinner and we’ll have one of those nights like we used to when…when Mikey was still here.” You nodded your head not having enough energy to produce words.

Richie patted your knee rising to his full height as he headed to check on Sug and his idiot of a fucking cousin. “Oh hey, I’ll have Eva tonight, you don’t mind do you? She’s constantly on my ass about seeing her auntie Bebe.” Richie stood in the now open doorway awaiting your answer.

Your immediate response was yes, but you had to consider Tiff, unsure if she wanted her daughter around you considering your newly acquired title as recovering addict.

“I’d like that a lot, but I-I think you should get Tiff’s permission to bring Eva around me.” You knew your suggestion might upset Richie but it was for the best, and you would call Tiff yourself just to double-check.

“Hey no none of that shit, she’s my fucking kid too Baby.” The defensive tone in his voice immediately caused you to close your eyes, hands moving to massage your temples.

“Richie please, I just need you to do this for me okay? This isn’t about your parenting skills, Rich.” Richie watched you for a minute, the exhaustion noticeable.

He nodded sending you one last somber look before making his exit keen on chewing his little fucking asshole cousin a new one.

Richie could feel his anger rising in him as he walked past Marcus and Fak as they worked to remove appliances from the kitchen. He quickly sauntered toward the whispers of Sugar and Carmy becoming clearer as he finally made it to the front of the restaurant.

The first thing his eyes took notice of was the destroyed cash register lying in the middle of the floor, debris from the relic scattered across the room. Richie stood there taking in the scene, the two Berzatto siblings' conversation coming to a halt as Richie blew out a whistle, walking around the mess slowly clapping.

“You’re a real fucking piece of work Cousin,” Richie’s hand shot out to point in Carmy’s direction the younger man looking disheveled, the frown on his face almost comical.

Natalie felt her shoulders tense; she had known these two long enough to know nothing good would come out of this interaction. The fact that you were in the middle of all this would make whatever happened right now all the worse.

There were two things in the world Richie didn’t play about, little Eva; and you.

“Richie I don’t need your fucking bullshit right now.” Carmy moved to walk around the counter, hands fumbling in his pocket to get his cigarettes out, his focus on the door he was trying to escape through.

“You’re a piece of shit cousin.” Richie’s hands shot out to grip the collar of Carmy’s crew neck, shoving him into the counter.

Natalie’s shocked gasp of Richie’s name did nothing to tear the men away from each other.

“Get the fuck outta my face, Richie.” The shorter man shoved the man standing in front of him.

A rueful smile raised to Richie’s lips “That girl has bent over backward for your conceited ass time and time again, and you go and ruin the only good fucking thing you have going for yourself.” Richie’s hand raised thumb and middle finger moving to flick Carmy between the brows.

“You’re the last person that gets to talk to me about fucking ruining good things in my life.” Carmy’s free hand moved to swat at Richie’s.

“That empty fucking head of yours is so far up your ass you can’t see what the fucks been in front of you this whole time.

“Yo fuck you, Richie!”

The two loud voices echoed throughout the restaurant as the angry men tried to outyell each other.

“No you fucking listen to me! You don’t know what the fuck that girls been through. Where the fuck were you when shit went down Carmen! Huh!” Richie shoved Carmy again, the anger he felt for you pouring through him.

“Why the fuck weren’t you there for her whe-.”

“Richie!” Natalie’s stern voice caused Richie to harness some of his anger. “No.” The subtle shake of her head stopped his sentence mid-thought.

“You’re worse than the shit on the bottom of my shoe, and you don’t deserve to touch one pretty little hair on that girl’s head. And if I ever have to listen to her cry over you, watch her hurt over you again, you’re gonna wish Mikey was still here to save your ass.” Richie’s hand shot out to slap against the side of Carmen’s head, “Fucking bum.”

He removed himself from Carmy’s space, hands immediately raising as he faced Nat’s exhausted stare. “Sug I’m sorry, but get Baby home will you? I gotta finish up shit round here.”

Richie left the two Berzatto siblings to stand in the now quiet front of the restaurant, the sooner he finished his shit here, the sooner he and Eva could spend the evening with you.

Natalie looked at her younger brother scared of how this sequence of events would affect him. She took a step forward hand reaching out to Carmy before dropping it, “Hey, you okay?” The two siblings stood in silence, one worried about the well-being of her remaining brother.

And the other was trying to collect his racing thoughts, too many zooming through for him to even land on one.

“Where are we with the permits?” To Carmy’s ears, it sounded like he was underwater, his voice muffled, barely loud enough to be heard.

“Carm-.” Nat’s words were cut off with no chance of consoling him.

“Just get her home Nat and get back to me on those permits please.” Natalie watched as Carmy collected his phone and jacket, an unfocused wave of his hand sent in her direction before making his way through the exit, disappearing to who knows where.

Natalie watched as the front door latched shut, she couldn’t help but feel guilty for pushing you into this environment. If she had just let you re-acclimate yourself on your own time, maybe this situation could’ve been avoided.

Her hand fell to her stomach, eyes following suit, “Welcome to the family little one.”

The sound of your doorbell constantly ringing tore your stare away from the bottle sitting on your coffee table. You sat still for a minute before remembering the plans you made with Richie earlier in the day, your eyes shooting to the bottle before you quickly moved to hide it behind one of the couch pillows.

Since Natalie dropped you off earlier you had gone back and forth with the idea of finally coming clean to Richie. Your decision was led by your emotions from earlier in the day, but after finding the bottle of champagne you received in The Tribune’s welcome basket shoved in the back of your pantry, you were sorely rethinking your decision.

You adjusted the pillow to disguise any misshapen lumps before hurrying to the door to greet your guest. Hoping the forced smile was enough you opened the door feeling the once-fake smile begin to settle into a genuine one as you took in the father-daughter duo on your porch.

“Auntie Bebe!” You laughed, a lump forming in your throat at how big the young girl seemed to have gotten.

“Little E is that you?” Eva giggled at the exaggerated gasp you let out before throwing herself against your legs squeezing you tight.

She unlatched herself from you before gripping your hand and moving into the house, “Daddy bought us pizza!”

“Hey, Eva take your shoes off.” Richie gave you a small smile as he scolded the little girl, her huff of annoyance not going unnoticed by the two of you.

Richie finally walked through the door shutting and locking it behind him staring at you as he waited for instructions, “Hey E go ahead to the living room and pick out something to watch okay? I’m gonna help your dad real quick.”

You were rewarded with her adorable smile as she ran in the direction you pointed her to. You turned back to Richie taking the two pizza boxes from his hand to allow him to remove his shoes and jacket.

The two of you made your way to the kitchen setting the boxes down on your island with a clear view of Eva scrolling through your tv. You maneuvered around the kitchen for plates before brandishing them to Richie, eyes caught on Eva’s small figure in your living room.

“She’s gotten so big,” the tears you thought had run out earlier were once again making their appearance.

Richie’s head turned to you, “Aww Baby look at you ready to cry and shit, you just saw her a year ago.”

You listened to Richie’s intoxicating laugh, trying your best to find the humor in his words. The notion was hard though when the last memory you could’ve had of the sweet little girl waiting for the two of you in the living room was holding her at a funeral that could have just as easily been yours.

“You coming Baby?” Richie’s raised brows were aimed at you, he had already made his way to the living room setting the smaller plate in front of Eva.

You cleared your throat nodding your head with a forced smile on your lips. It was settled, Richie had every right to know that there could have been a universe where he had to survive without Mikey and you.

Eva was cuddled into your side as your fingers stoked through her blonde locks, her smaller hand playing with the rings on your free hand. The two of you sat staring at the paused episode of ‘The Dragon Prince’ waiting for Richie to return from the bathroom.

Sitting with Eva in your living room made your heart heavy with what could’ve been. A small sad smile traced your lips as you leaned forward to plant a soft kiss on the crown of her head.

Eva’s head turned to yours, her tongue poking out at you as you returned the gesture, the two of you going back and forth making silly faces at each other before she released a small yawn. You watched as her small hand rose to gently run her little fingers across the scars on your face.

“Auntie Bebe?” You made a small noise to let her know you were listening. “Are you going to die?”

Your brows pinched together, Eva’s hand prodded at the scar between your eyebrows that was now more prominent, “Hey hey, where is this coming from?”

Her hand lowered to her lap as she turned her attention back to your ring-clad hand. “Mommy said you were sick…like Uncle Mikey…and that you tried to be with him.”

The ache in your chest was instant, you knew Tiff had tried to explain why you hadn’t visited but you didn’t know Eva had such an understanding of everything.

She raised your hand so it was in front of the two of you, little fingers dancing across yours, “And Uncle Mikey left us 'cause he was sick and I don’t want you to leave to Bebe.”

“Little E, look at me,” you waited as she adjusted next to you small body, cuddling into you more as her face turned to you. “I was sick…just like Uncle Mikey, but I’m doing a lot better now. And I got hurt, that’s why I have these scars on my face but a lot of good people helped me, like Auntie Nat, and even your mom.”

You stopped allowing the child to digest your words, you were trying to explain things in the simplest terms, and the small girl next to you didn’t need to know any of the details. “As much as I miss Uncle Mikey I could never leave behind my Little E.”

Eva shrieked as you moved forward to tickle her doing your best to make a very tough conversation end on a light note for the sweet little girl who brought joy to your world.

“How about some ice cream, yeah?” You watched as the small girl nodded up and down excitedly, her arms coming up to wrap around your neck as she planted a small kiss on your cheek.

“I missed you, Auntie Bebe.”

Your hand reached out to ruffle the girl's hair, “I missed you too Little E.” She removed herself from around you laying across the empty couch cushions.

You let out a little laugh before grabbing the empty plates and moving to the kitchen to get Eva her ice cream. You jumped at the sight of Richie leaning against the island in your kitchen arms crossed against his chest.

“Why are you standing in my kitchen like a fucking weirdo Richie,” you laughed moving to place the plates in the sink before grabbing a bowl for the ice cream. “Eva’s okay to have ice cream right, I know it's a little late bu-”

“What the hell was Eva talking about Baby,” you looked over your shoulder Richie’s stern eyes focused on you eyes piercing through you as opposed to at you.

You sat the bowl and ice cream on the island before searching for your ice cream scooper, the silence droning on as you began scooping out ice cream for Eva.

“I fucked up Richie,” you finally looked up to Richie eyes wet with tears as you watched him tightly shut his eyes and begin shaking his head back and forth. Not prepared for what he was about to hear.

You quickly finished with ice cream, returning everything to its location and dropping the scoop in the sink before grabbing a spoon. You made your way to Eva sending her a small smile as you handed the bowl to her, “I need to talk to your daddy okay? Go ahead and finish watching without us mamas.” Your words went in one ear and out the other, her attention fully on the treat in her hands. You gave her one last smile before braving yourself for what the kitchen had in store for you.

“I uh…I was in a bad place after Chicago we had just buried Mikey and then…the hospital happened,” you stopped taking a deep breath to get through this conversation. “I should’ve come home Richie I-.” You couldn’t get the words out your throat felt like it was constricting. It felt as though if you tried confessing you would choke on the words before you could even come clean to Richie.

Richie sat next to you at your small circular dining table chair turned towards you, eyes flicking to Eva’s figure every few seconds to make sure she was okay. Richie wasn’t even sure he wanted you to continue, but a huge part of him needed to know what you went through, he thought he had already seen you at your lowest point but the gravity of your words assured him that was nothing compared to the confession you were about to lay at his feet.

“I overdosed Rich.” Richie froze having thought he hadn’t heard you correctly for a second but as he watched the despair take over your face, he knew he heard you right.

His hand came up to wipe across his mouth, the reality of your words barely setting in. “Baby no, no, no, no.” The laugh that accompanied his words morphed into a silent sob as he tucked his head into his hands.

You swallowed your cry fighting to escape as you turned to make sure Eva was still okay, a reprieve from the hard conversation you were having.

You moved from your chair standing in front of Richie so you could console him, his arms wrapped around your waist as his head settled against your stomach, the shaking of his body proof to you that cries were still wracking his body.

The silent sobs turned into quiet cries, his hands gripping the extra fabric of your shirt at the waist. Your tears could no longer be held back bending at the waist you rested your forehead against the back of Richie’s head.

While Richie was crying over the sister he almost lost; you cried over the lives you ruined.

“Auntie Bebe I finished my ice cream!” You took in a deep breath against Richie’s head moving your own from its previous position.

You moved to step out of Richie’s grip, his hands tightening around your shirt tears seeping through to dampen your skin. “I gotta help E, I promise I’ll be back Richie.”

The breath you took in choked you as you had to pry Richie’s clenched fingers out of the fabric of your shirt. You quickly wiped your cheeks before making your way over to Eva grabbing the bowl from her hands and sending her a forced smile.

“Can I spend the night Bebe?” The hope in her eyes made your chest heave.

“How about I call your mom tomorrow and we arrange something for another time, is that okay with you?” Your hands brushed across her forehead, clearing the hair from her face.

She pouted, sinking into the couch cushion, “E, hey you can come visit me whenever, but tonight just isn’t a good night for a sleepover.”

You watched as her eyes began to water, “But what if you try to leave again?” You hadn’t realized how intuitive children could be at times, you bent down to make yourself eye level with Eva.

“Listen, mamas, I’m just a phone call away okay? Anytime you’re scared I might be gone just ask your mom or dad to call me and I’ll answer every time, I promise.” Everyone knew making promises to children was a slippery slope, but you intended on keeping this promise with every ounce of your being, it was time for you to start taking some responsibility.

Eva nodded her head throwing her little arms around your neck and gracing you with a hug you weren’t aware you needed. You gave a small kiss to her temple before pulling away and setting the empty bowl on your coffee table.

“How about you lay down okay? Your dad and I might be awhile,” She nodded, moving and leaning against the pillow, her sudden weight revealing the champagne bottle you had hidden behind it, you quickly covered her with the throw blanket on your couch before picking up the bowl and bottle and making your way back to the kitchen.

You gently placed the bowl in the sink before making your way over to Richie whose head was still in his hands. His eyes found yours as he heard you take your seat, before skating across the unopened bottle you had set between the two of you.

“I’ve been sober for five months now,” watching Richie’s bloodshot eyes slowly blink at you as he drank your every word in felt like a knife being continuously shoved through your chest. “No drugs, no alcohol.” Your voice trailed off, this was the first time you had admitted your shortcomings by choice.

“Ho-How’d it happen?” Your eyes focused on Richie’s Adam’s apple as it bobbed up and down, his face pinching together like asking that simple question was equivalent to swallowing glass.

“I uh don’t know the full story, just what the doctors told Nat and me,” you could see the hurt on his face that Nat was already privy to the information. “I didn’t tell her by choice, uh after my mom died my family kind of distanced themselves from me and so N-Nat became my power of attorney.”

He nodded his head, unfocused eyes floating around your kitchen, “Can you tell me?”

A tired sigh left you “Rich I don’t thi-,”

“I need to know Baby, please.” His hand shot out to grip yours, desperation you had never before seen seeping from his eyes.

You cleared your throat taking in a deep breath, “When I left Chicago, I just felt so…alone. It was like everywhere I looked there was either a reminder of Mikey or a reminder of…of what we lost.” Richie’s free hand returned to swipe across his mouth, eyes everywhere but you.

“The pills were prescription I…I can’t remember when I started taking them or when the dependency started but I-I know the alcohol started first. I deluded myself into thinking that I could do what Mikey couldn't…that I could numb the pain and function at the same time.

“It was like that for a while and then it just gradually got worse until I ended up hospitalized with no recollection of how I even got there and…and Natalie just crying and staring at me and the thing is I had heard those cries from her once before.” The same cries you listened to as she revealed Mikey’s fate to you.

“Um, the story is that I had been mixing drugs and alcohol which yeah I was. But that day I guess it finally went too far, for some reason I was trying to get to my patio and I guess I couldn’t figure out the door, I just…repeatedly threw myself into the glass until it shattered.” Your free hand moved unconsciously to pick at the scar lining the right side of your jaw, Richie’s hand quickly snatching it away urging you to continue your story.

“Wasn’t done yet though was I,” you looked at Richie expecting a chuckle out of him but the stoic look in his eyes told you he wasn’t in the mood for half-baked jokes. “I took two more pills and stumbled bloody through my apartment before making it out of my door and collapsing in a pool of my blood and vomit. A neighbor found me and called the ambulance.” You were glad you had no recollections of what would’ve been your final moments.

The silence in the kitchen was heavy, the words you had shared between the two of you more than anything Richie could have ever prepared himself for.

“Baby why…why didn’t you call me?” Richie’s hand covered his mouth in a fist as another cry escaped his lips wide teary eyes finally focused on yours.

“I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.” Richie could feel his heart breaking as he listened to the crack in your voice as you spoke, you had been so scared to disappoint him that you had hidden a part of yourself for him for so long.

“How long have you been in Chicago? You avoided Richie’s gaze, not brave enough to see the look of hurt and betrayal.

“I spent a month in Wisconsin at a treatment facility, I’ve been in Chicago since December.”

“And Tiff knew about this?”

“Yeah…uh she kind of forced it out of Natalie, I guess Eva kept asking about me.” You watched as Richie’s head slowly nodded as he carefully let your words play in his head.

Richie leaned forward in his chair, elbows coming to rest on his knees as his clasped hands rested against his mouth.

“I’m not disappointed in you Baby,” Richie’s eyes rose to yours. “But I’m real fuckin hurt and the shit you just laid on me was a lot to take in but I…I want to understand and I want to be here for you.”

The tears that had subsided were now back pouring down your face in droves, “I’m so sorry Richie, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. But I promise you I’m trying to be better, I will be better. I don’t think I'll get another shot at this after this one.”

Richie stood from his chair pulling you up with him, immediately tugging you into his chest hugging you tightly under the ambient kitchen lighting. He knew his hugs would never match up to Mikey’s, that his role in your life would never compare to Mikey's. But he loved you so much and learning that you had fallen victim to the same poison as Mikey made him feel like an utter failure.

Richie tilted his head down planting a kiss on the crown of your head, the saltiness of his tears passing over his lips.

What purpose did he have if he couldn’t even keep his last promise to Mikey?

Carmen’s day had come to an end hours ago but he just couldn’t get himself to fall asleep, all the words you had said to him playing over and over again in his head.

He had been so caught up in your argument that he blew his food-hopping plans off with Syd, and couldn’t even get himself to return any of the many missed phone calls he received from the number he knew to be Claire’s

Not that he even wanted to but he felt the girl deserved a proper explanation.

After leaving the restaurant and wandering the Chicago streets he found himself back where his life seemed to begin and end. Pouring what was left of him into helping the rest of the crew start the gut on the restaurant. He wasn’t proud that he let his emotions regarding your situation get the best of him, leading to an unnecessary and petty argument with Sydney. But he knew the two of them would work their issues out.

He couldn’t be sure that the same could be said for the two of you though.

The journal he had started a year ago sat open in his lap, the Polaroid he used to keep his place gently rested on his bedside table, the small lamp illuminated the two of you staring at each other eyes full of love as you wore matching smiles.

A teardrop landed on the ink-stained pages of his journal. The words he wanted to say to you easily poured out of him when he sat down to write to you. The journal began as a way for him to express what he felt for you, but as the months went on and the writing became a part of his routine they turned into letters to you he’d never have the guts to send.

His hand came up to swipe across his face before reaching for the pristine Polaroid and neatly tucking it between the designated pages. The journal was then safely placed in his bedside drawer. He knew he needed to give you space, he just wasn’t sure if there had ever been a future written in the stars for the two of you.

Picking up his phone he opened it to your newly saved contact, the need to hear your voice spilling more tears from his eyes. Your voice rang through his head as he thought about your words from earlier, Carmy couldn’t lie, he knew you loved him and had known for a while but hearing you say it aloud had finally awoken that part in him that would allow himself the pleasure of loving you back.

He couldn’t do it, couldn’t get himself to call you. A sob ripped through him as he locked his phone and set it down, the hope he had earlier to work things out with you was now gone, and he had no one left to blame but himself.

Carmy laid back in bed, eyes blankly staring at the ceiling, one arm bent at a right angle to support his head. He had really and truly ruined whatever relationship was left between you two.

Carmy’s hand dipped into the collar of his tank top, gripping the small pendant he found dangling from his chain after returning home from his shift the night you made your departure from his New York apartment.

His fingers had gotten used to tracing over the initial of your first name that he proudly wore around his neck. The closest thing he even had to you now.

Carmy’s eyes watered as he raised the initial pendant to his lips, a lingering kiss pressed into it, and a whispered “I love you,” filtered through the quiet of his room.

tag list: @saturnheart @r0s3mm @wheredidmycrowngo @hawkins-2000 @elliesbabygirl @allbark-no-bite @anakinswh0re3005 @thecraziestcrayon @fruitcupsworld @nishinoyahhh @lilylovelyxo @ridingthehotmessexpress @noas-ark @jadeittic @hellokittyever @luvr-bunnyy @sxgees @kravitzwhore @chanluuvr @readingwiththereids @chims-kookies @ladygrey03 @ferida-kahlo @wanderlustnightwanderer @how2besalty @armydrcamers @jointherebellion215 @blkbxrbie-esther @ajordan2020 @head-slut-in-charge @magnet-girl @thebookwormlife @sevikasblackgf @writers-hes @senassn @bunnysthngs @gabbycoady13 @randomhoex @mattmurdocksstarlight @shinebright2000 @royalestrellas @jam1esl0v4 @globetrotter28 @dankfarrick29 @flowersgirl02 @beingalive1 @fairytale07 @smoooore @ghost-timelord @xxxstormyninixxx

so i’ve reached the limit of people i can mention in a single post, i apologize if you asked to be tagged and were left off it was not intentional. i’m gonna figure something out to try and fix this…sorry : (

[torukmaktoskxawng]

‘anla - part five

Masterlist

Summary: A child's neglect and a father's inner turmoil finally comes to a head. Y/n takes a leap of faith, both literally and figuratively.

Pairing: Ao'nung/Fem!Na'vi!Sully Reader

Warnings: Mature language, time skips, HEAVY angst, depression, older sibling syndrome, mentions of death, canon compliance, father/daughter trouble, fluff, etc.

posted on ao3

Word Count: 6k+

Tag: #'anla ao'nung fic

Na'vi Words: ikran - Mountain Banshee, tsahik - spiritual leader, Iknimaya - Rite of Passage, tawtute - human, tsmuktu - sibling, marui - home, olo'eyktan - clan leader, kalweyaveng - son of a bitch, ilu - dolphin like animal, Sänrr Rong - Glow Tunnel, frakrr - always

Taglist (bold indicates “could not tag”):  @bangtanxberm @aonungmyaddiction @lv9su @aisselasstuff @yourusername1 @amortencjja @king-julian6201 @gg-trini @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @mikeyswifie @heart-an0n @iloveavatar @urdads-gf 

Ronal always had perfect timing, and today was no different. She found herself with an empty basket in her arms as she walked into the jungle in search of specific plants. She had walked for a bit before she noticed a shadow cast over her form. Looking up, Ronal watched an ikran fly overhead and land on the strong branches of a large tree, its rider jumping off and landing on the branch gracefully. Ronal took an educated guess on who the rider was and called up with her strict, ever so formal voice, "Y/n te Suli."

A head and a pair of ears perk up at her name, then Y/n looks down to see who had called her. Eyes slightly wide in surprise, she shakes off the shock and climbs down the tree, landing strongly on her legs in front of Ronal. She keeps her eyes dutifully lowered out of respect, keeping her expression stern and impassive as she touched her forehead then lowered her hand toward Ronal, "Ma tsahik."

Ronal appreciates the formality despite the way she shoved the empty basket in the young girl's arms, "I need to restock my herbs and materials, and there are certain components that require climbing. I could use you for those instances."

Y/n took one glance down at Ronal's baby bump before nodding in submission, following the tsahik through the jungle in search of her ingredients. They do their work in silence, Ronal occasionally explaining certain depictions of a plant Y/n needed to look for before sending the girl up a tree, but other than that, they don't mutter another word. That is, until after Ronal deemed the assortment of acquired plants enough for her stock and walked with Y/n all the way back to the village. The walk through the jungle had been tense and Y/n didn't know how to entertain or even converse with Ronal. The tsahik was an intimidating woman, sometimes more so than her own mother. Y/n doubted that Neytiri and Ronal ever spoke a word to each other even as the Metkayina was teaching the Omatikaya woman her ways. If Neytiri didn't know what to say to Ronal, Y/n doubted she could either.

However, Ronal spoke first, and she spoke as bluntly as ever, "So it would appear that your brother has taken a liking to my daughter."

Y/n sputtered, surprised by the older woman's statement as she tries clambering for a more appropriate response. She knew that whatever was going on between Lo'ak and Tsireya was sweet and strictly innocent -for the time being- but for it to come to Ronal's attention was a bit concerning, to say the least, "Oh... uh... has he?"

Ronal doesn't appreciate the unintelligent stutter, ears flattening as she narrows her gaze at the forest child, "I am not stupid, girl, and neither are you. So quit pretending that you are."

There's a slight shift between them, and some sort of mask slips from Y/n's face right before Ronal's very eyes. The Metkayina tsahik observes the way Y/n straightens her posture and sternly frowns, glaring at the path ahead of her instead of at Ronal. Clearly, she didn't appreciate the insult, "What would you like me to say? That I disapprove? Technically, I don't."

Ronal wasn't one to turn down a challenge, and she was already intrigued by this side of Y/n, "Explain."

"Na'vi have mated with other Na'vi from different clans before, at least where I'm from. It's not unusual."

"You think that is why one must disapprove?"

"What else is there to disapprove of? That they're young?" Y/n nods in agreement, "They are, and obviously, they should wait until they finish their Iknimaya, but that shouldn't deter them from choosing one another."

"I see."

Y/n spares a glance at Ronal, narrowing her eyes with as much bravery as she could muster, "But I know that's not why you disapprove."

Ronal quirks an eyebrow ridge, challenging the girl, "No?"

"You disapprove because Lo'ak is a half-breed. Part tawtute." Ronal doesn't answer Y/n's accusation and instead watches silently as Y/n raised her five-fingered hand up to her face, examining the offending limb with pinned ears and sad eyes. Y/n brings her hand back down, still walking beside Ronal even as she started to feel small, "Maybe your son was right. That we are freaks... but your daughter doesn't see us as freaks. She thinks we're special, especially Lo'ak. I mean, it's not every day you have Omatikaya half-breeds bonding with a tulkun around here, right? Lo'ak has done the impossible and he should be given more respect as the son of Toruk Makto."

Her words were strong, stronger than Ronal has ever heard from Jakesully's oldest daughter. She knew Y/n was once strong-willed, remembering the day Ao'nung crawled back home and mentioned how Y/n broke up a fight with him and her brothers using her ikran and strongly-worded threats. But as of late, Y/n has barely spoken to anyone except for her remaining siblings and friends. Ronal couldn't recall the last time Y/n spoke in either her or her mate's presence, usually leaving her parents to do the talking. Somehow, the once mute girl let her mask slip in her little brother's defense, walking confidently beside the tsahik who dared to insult her family. Ronal had to give credit where it was due. There weren't many people alive who would dare speak to her so proudly and without courtesies.

"You are a boldly spoken girl, Y/n te Suli Neytiri'ite. Although my children tell me that you don't speak as much of late."

Her tail droops closer to her side as they walk, and Y/n doesn't bother hiding her shame, "I guess not. There isn't much to talk about."

"No?" Understanding etches across Ronal's elegant features, adjusting the basket in her arms as she pins her eyes ahead of her as they walked, "I suppose you are much like me that way. I let my mate do the talking if I think the need to talk is pointless or exhausting. I prefer to sing."

She catches Y/n's tail perking up in surprise, and it took a lot of willpower not to smirk as her amusement flourished in her chest. Y/n's jaw nearly gapes open, "You sing?"

"Yes... my Spirit Sister, Ro'a, she would sing with me."

Y/n immediately regrets asking, instantly catching the wave of sadness and distress that washes over the tsahik. It was still a loss she carried close to her chest, and Y/n understood where she was coming from and how she felt. They had both lost someone dear to them that fateful day, and the wounds still bled as if the loss was still fresh.

Y/n decided that she didn't like Ronal bleeding alone and feeling so vulnerable, allowing herself to remember bittersweet memories of her own, "... Neteyam would fly with me. All the time, whenever I asked. While we fly, he'd listen to me whenever I needed to vent my anger."

Ronal looks back at the forest girl, nearly a young woman. The tsahik's expression was impassive and Y/n could tell the gears in her head were spinning, but unsure of the what or why. Ronal nods solemnly, "I no longer prefer to sing. You no longer prefer to talk. Do you believe our tsmuktu would wish that for us?"

Neither female had thought of that before, and for some reason, whatever conclusion came to mind, the thought lifted their spirits, even if only for a little while. Y/n felt lighter for the first time in a while, since before Neteyam's death, and she didn't feel shame in letting her eyes get warm and blurry, the path ahead a little unidentifiable. Ronal doesn't comment and lets the girl shed her silent tears as the pair finally makes it to the edge of the jungle, spotting the village right up ahead. Y/n quickly wipes away her tears and just in time, too. As they approached the village, Ao'nung was sighted walking up to them. He had seen Y/n first and grinned widely, but the expression quickly falls when he noticed the woman walking beside her. Jogging up to his friend and his mother, he glanced between them with caution, waiting for either bomb to go off if one of them spoke.

When neither woman spoke, Ao'nung broke the ice first, addressing the Omatikaya girl, "Hey, Y/n. Rotxo and I are going bodysurfing later and we thought you might want to join."

Ronal spared a glance at Y/n and caught the forest girl smiling for the first time, but she wasn't smiling at Ronal. The tsahik followed her gaze until her own eyes landed on Ao'nung, and suddenly some puzzle pieces were fitting into place. Ao'nung was smiling back, and it wasn't one of his usual smirks or promises of trouble. He was smiling, genuine and happy.

Ronal ignores her son for the moment, turning to Y/n before the girl could even give Ao'nung her answer, "Thank you for your help, child. You may go now."

Y/n quickly broke out of her train of thought, remembering where she was, and dropped the smile. She nods to Ronal before sparing a lingering glance at Ao'nung, walking away as she spoke over her shoulder, "See ya later, Seawee-- Ao'nung."

Ao'nung had laughed even as the girl vanished from sight. Ronal sternly cleared her throat and the laughter immediately stops, the boy straightening his spine, standing in attention to his mother. The tsahik decides to stare at him for a long period of time in order to make him squirm uncomfortably, then she bluntly asks the question buzzing in her mind,

"Do you wish to court Y/n?"

The question stuns Ao'nung, his ears and eyebrow ridges sticking straight up to the sky. He gapes like a fish, trying to find an appropriate answer. Ronal felt a little smug and satisfied as a darker shade of blue begins to form underneath her son's skin, even without a straight answer. Serves him right. Ronal knew she was going to need to fuss over Tsireya's infatuation with the Sully boy, but she didn't think she'd have to fuss over her own son so soon. Why were her children growing up before their little sibling entered the world?

Finally, Ao'nung lowers his gaze to his feet as he forces out a single word, "No."

Her brow ridge rose, a little surprised by the answer, "Why not?"

She was prepared for him to say many things, like how Y/n was not true Na'vi or that she was of a different clan, but Ronal wasn't prepared for when her son finally answered, "Because she's hurt right now. She lost her brother. I just... want to be there when she's ready."

Ronal tilts her head, curious, "For what?"

Ao'nung had the decency to look bashful, shrinking into his shoulders and lowering his ears. He looked as though he didn't have an answer either, unsure of himself while questioning the words on his tongue, "Moving on with her life? Is that stupid?"

She knows her son has every right to feel vulnerable around her, as his mother, but Ronal couldn't help but roll her eyes at his idiocy. With her basket under one arm, she loops the other through Ao'nung's and begins tugging him back in the direction of their family's marui, "No, son... but she said you once called her a freak. Surely you don't feel that way if you wish to court her?"

He bristles with annoyance, a trait he, unfortunately, inherited from Ronal, "Mother--"

"Fine. 'Not' court her."

Ao'nung relaxes his shoulders a little, his voice softening, "I don't think she's a freak. I think she's amazing."

Ronal hums, nodding occasionally to any Metkayina they pass by as mother and son trudge through the pathways of their village, "So. You do not wish to court her. Not right now at least. You are waiting for her."

"Yeah. I... I guess I am."

"You cannot guess," Ronal spoke sternly, stopping in her tracks and forcing her son to do the same as she glared him down, "You have to be sure, Ao'nung. You are our future olo'eyktan and you cannot afford to second-guess yourself. And you certainly cannot second-guess yourself when choosing a mate. It is for life, boy, do you understand?"

Ao'nung gulps and quickly corrects himself, "Yes. I'm sorry, Mother, I guess--" he winced when her eyes narrowed, "I mean, I'm just confused. I thought you would disapprove of Y/n."

Understanding the hidden question, she hisses under her breath and begins walking again, pulling Ao'nung along, "I will admit. She's not someone I would choose for you. She is not a healer and she prefers the sky over the sea. But it has never been my choice and she is Metkayina now. One of us. I will just have to surrender to the idea of both of my children choosing former Forest People before anyone born of the sea."

His body relaxed into her side, gladly walking beside her now instead of acting like he was forced to. He quietly muttered how grateful he felt, "Thank you. Wait-- what do you mean both children? Where's Tsireya?"

A wry smile graces Ronal's lips, patting his hand in pity, "Oh, my son. You are so blinded by your own infatuation that you never noticed your sister's. At least I will have a third child to distract myself from your foolishness."

They return home and Ronal finally lets her son free of her grasp. He had hurried off, likely to get away from his mother and also to track down Tsireya (or strangle Lo'ak, whichever comes first). Stepping into the hut, Ronal finds Tonowari inside, gutting the fish he had caught that morning. The olo'eyktan looks up and catches her gaze, and whatever he sees in her eyes has him standing up to reach out to her, "Ma Ronal?"

"We need to talk."

~~~~~~~~~

Jake knows that he should be more actively involved in his eldest child's life, but for the moment, Y/n has made it a game to avoid him. When he wanted to initially talk to her, she had slipped away to go bodysurfing with some of the other Metkayina her age. Jake found himself alone in their family's marui, waiting for everyone to return now that he wasn't able to talk to his daughter one on one. It made him think about Neteyam, and how the boy would've easily gone after his twin to talk to her. The thought made Toruk Makto greatly admire and miss his first boy all at once. He always relied on Neteyam to wrangle up his siblings, and for Y/n, he relied on her twin to talk to her for him. Neteyam always knew how to talk to Y/n. How to calm her, how to excite her, and he especially knew how to help his parents talk to her. Between the twins, Neteyam was more open about his emotions, but even that was a great feat. Neteyam didn't talk about it unless asked to, so if it was difficult to squeeze out Neteyam's inner thoughts, Jake wondered just how impossible would it be to reach Y/n's.

The struggling father even debated going back to the Spirit Tree to ask Neteyam what to do, but that inner turmoil made him feel so pathetic. How pathetic of a father was he that he needed to reach out to his dead son for help when it came to talking to his daughter? As a parent, Jake should be the one to have wisdom and give it freely to his children, not the other way around. Then again, it had been so long since Jake's own twin brother had died that he forgot that twins are on another level of understanding compared to the rest. Neteyam would always know Y/n best and vice versa, and that was something Jake had accepted a long time ago. Now, however, with Neteyam gone and Y/n left in a world without her other half, Jake was trying to understand her the way her brother always did.

It didn't help that Y/n has yet to go to the Spirit Tree herself. She refused to go see her brother and refused, even more, to talk about it. Jake wanted tonight to be the night they talk, so even after the rest of his family left to go to the communal meal, he waited.

He heard laughter coming from outside, ears moving wildly before he even raised his head. He recognized one of the laughs to be Y/n, and his chest squeezed at the familiar sound, wishing he could hear it more. After he heard her wishing her friends goodnight, he heard footsteps approaching, but not at the entrance of the marui. Looking up, he continued to hear the footsteps above him and realized that Y/n was climbing up the mangrove tree roots sheltering their home.

Jake goes outside, calling up, "Hey, sweetheart? Can you come down here, please?"

Y/n was sitting towards the top of the tree root but obediently climbed back down at her father's request. Hopping down and landing in front of him, she had jostled the bouncy walkway and stood straight up, tilting her head up at Jake in question. Once again, Jake found himself at a loss for words, unsure of what to say to her without her twin here to tell him, "Hey... feeling alright?"

She raised an eyebrow and shrugged, finding the outside wall of the marui more interesting to look at than her father, "I guess so."

Jake nods, deciding now was the time as good as any, "I was wondering if you and I could go to the Spirit Tree. I thought you might want to visit your brother."

Immediately, her posture shrinks and her eyes lower to her feet, and Jake was half afraid that she might burst into tears. Meanwhile, Y/n was thinking back to what Ronal had told her, wondering about both Neteyam and Ro'a and how they would feel knowing that their sisters were living miserable lives without them. She wanted to be able to live a life Neteyam would be proud of her for, but even now, the idea of looking him in the eye and telling him what she had been up to since his death made her stomach churn, "... I don't think I'm ready for that yet."

"Are you sure?" Pity and concern swim in Jake's own eyes, lifting his hand and settling it gently on his daughter's shoulder, "It might help."

She frowned down at her feet, "Help with what?"

"It's just... you never got to say goodbye."

Her watery eyes peer up at him then, and Jake felt like he was being punched in the gut as venom drips from her words, "You mean I never got to watch him die? Nobody got to say goodbye, Dad."

"He wanted to say goodbye. He was trying to," What kind of a father was he if he couldn't comfort his child? Jake scrambled to find the right things to say, and instead, he blurted out what he knew would only make Y/n feel even more distressed, "Neteyam... he wanted me to tell you something. He wanted me to tell you to... to 'find more?'"

He wasn't expecting Y/n to rip herself out of his hold on her, and he wasn't expecting her to stare up at him as if he had burned her, full of pain, shock, and utter betrayal. Her whole body began to shake, but not from crying. Even as tears welled up and fell from her eyes, Y/n's fangs were bared as she began to angrily spat, "That stupid, selfless, self-sacrificing kalweyaveng!"

Jake's posture turns rigid, glaring down at his daughter as if ready to lecture her, appalled by her speaking ill of the dead, "Y/n!"

"Just leave me alone!" She screamed back, too angry to even bother thinking about another lecture from her father. She spun around with the intention to run, but Jake reached out and firmly grasped her arm to keep her from escaping.

"I've done nothing but leave you alone!" She flinched and Jake immediately lowered his voice, exhaling the abrupt anger and forcing himself to calm down, but still spoke sternly, "I have given you your space and time because I knew you were in a lot of pain. I knew how you were feeling because I know what it's like to lose a twin brother. It's time we finally talked, young lady."

"About what?" She asked, keeping her back turned to him.

"About that day. Your side of the story."

Y/n spun back around, tears still spilling from her eyes even as she glared at her father in disgust, "You mean you want me to tell you why I wasn't there to save my brother from dying?"

Jake's grip froze, and for the life of him, Jake couldn't figure out why his muscles refused to move. It was like an arrow had punctured him through the heart, the disgusting accusation still evident on Y/n's face. His anger disappeared, being replaced by shock and disbelief, "What?"

"You heard me."

Jake sucked in a sharp breath. Had she always felt this way toward him? "No, sweetheart, I would never--"

"It doesn't matter if you did or didn't think that, what matters is that's exactly what I expect from you." She straightened out her shoulders, defiant, even through her soft cries. She looked so confident and the fact that she was confident about Jake's behavior made his heart shatter. Since when should a child be so sure of their parent's motivations? "At this point, everything you have done up until now has led me to believe that you would blame me for not being there. After all, that's what you did to Neteyam. You blamed him or held him responsible whenever one of us did anything wrong. So what else should I expect from you now that I'm the older sibling?"

Jake's eyes blink rapidly, voice so quiet he hardly recognized it, "Y/n... I am so, so sorry. That had never been my intention."

She wipes her face with the back of her hand, "It's too late for you to apologize. It's too late for anything you could possibly do to make up for it. Neteyam is gone," her voice cracked under the pressure of such a heavy word. She wished she didn't have to finally admit it, and she wished she felt less angry at the sight of her broken father, staring down at her on the verge of tears, "He had to die for you to realize what you did was wrong. You couldn't have tried to change when he was still alive? No. You couldn't. And I can never forgive you for that."

~~~~~~~~~

Y/n decided to sleep on the very far end of the marui that night, away from her family and their hammocks, with her back turned and outright refusing to speak. Neytiri asked what happened with only her eyes, to which Jake's ears pinned back and he simply looked away, unable to look his wife in the eyes when he admitted that he screwed up. The parents spoke quietly to each other that night, talking about what happened in quiet enough whispers so none of their children could hear. Not that it mattered, since Spider snored loud enough to drown any unwanted sound out.

"Just give her time, Ma Jake... she is young and doesn't fully understand what she says."

Jake tries his best to shake his head, but it was currently nestled comfortably in the crook of her neck, "She's not a little kid, 'Tiri. She's not Tuk. She's old enough to finish her Iknimaya and be considered a warrior of the People. She knows what she's saying, and she's finally saying it. She's going to be sixteen soon, and she is struggling to figure out what that means for her. Her father treats her like an adult and her mother treats her like a child. It's confusing her."

Neytiri lightly pinched his arm, quietly snarling in retaliation, "I treat all my children that way. My babies can grow up all they want. They will stay my babies for the rest of their lives."

Jake smiled into her neck, placing a small kiss there in admiration of how much Neytiri fiercely loved their family. Neytiri smiles to herself and wraps her arms more securely around her husband. They stay like that for a few moments until Neytiri huffs in exhaustion, bringing her hand up to play with his hair, "I can hear your thoughts. Out with them."

He's quiet for far too long like he was trying to pretend he was sleeping to get himself out of it. When Neytiri pinched him again, he finally spoke, "... Our baby is going to be sixteen soon."

Neytiri grows quiet with him, alone together in their home while their children are off in their dreams. Neither of them say it, but they were both thinking about it. Only one of the twins will be sixteen soon and will continue to grow old, while the other will forever remain fifteen, stuck in time. Jake's throat closes up at the thought. He was a twin, left behind by his brother, alone in a world that hated him and his existence. He barely survived on his own, especially in a wheelchair. Then his drinking habits got him kicked out of nearly every bar in the vicinity of his living quarters. His drinks and his wheelchair were never a good mix, and Jake knew if he stayed on Earth any longer, he would have been dead.

Jake knew that Y/n was stronger than him in every way possible. She could never fall as low as he did when Tommy died. He thought by letting her grieve the way she wanted to, the two of them could start over and heal after losing Neteyam. Looking back on his choices, Jake had regretted it, because all the while Y/n was grieving for her brother, she was also believing that her father hated her.

His arms tighten around Neytiri, trying to bury his face even further in her neck when he felt hot tears threatening to spill in the corners of his eyes, "I feel like we're losing her, too..."

"We're not," she spoke sternly, though it cracked under the pressure of her own tears, "We won't. I cannot lose another baby, Jake. I cannot..." She swallows down the bile in her throat, clearing her airway and taking a deep breath to collect herself, "Y/n is not alone. There are other people who are around her every day who love her and want to see her happy. She has more than just us. We will have to accept that we cannot fix everything for our children. Sometimes, we have to let other people do it for us, especially if our children do not want our help."

He hums in agreement, a small weight lifted from his shoulders, but not all of it. Just enough to make him feel secure, at least for the night. His eyes grow heavy and before long, Jake is finally asleep.

Whatever anxiety he felt the night before returned when he woke up the next morning and realized Y/n was already gone.

Neytiri was already awake and calmed him down, claiming that their daughter had left for the day to take a break from everything. When Jake asked if Neytiri knew where she went, his wife only shook her head, "I knew it would be best not to ask. Wherever she is going, she does not want us to follow her."

Despite their talk yesterday, Jake didn't feel the least bit reassured. He tried not to let it bother him as he goes about his day, taking a break from his usual chores to watch his other kids play around in the water. He should have been doing this from the beginning, watching over all of his children so they could enjoy their innocence just a little bit longer, instead of having Neteyam or Y/n do it. By noon, the children were all exhausted from playing and Lo'ak even asked if he was allowed to go check on Payakan. Jake almost agreed, but his anxiety got the better of him, "You can, but only after your sister returns. I... don't want more than one of you being apart right now."

And surprisingly, Lo'ak accepted his father's explanation and it threw Jake through a loop. Who knew that actually communicating with your kids will lead them to understand you a bit better? After he brought the kids home to eat lunch with their mother, Jake noted how Y/n was not back yet and so he told Neytiri that he was going to look around. She rolled her eyes but nodded.

Jake searched for places he's seen his daughter in the past but found no one that fit her description. He then went into the jungle to check on her ikran, and to his surprise, Evi was still there, confused but curious as to why her rider was not with him. Bob hissed at Jake with annoyance, clearly offended by the lack of attention around here, so Jake took him out for a short flight, using the bond to instruct him where to go.

The next place he looked for her was the Spirit Tree, flying half a dozen circles around the whole area to see if he could spot Y/n, but came up empty. Jake tried not to full-blown panic, and so did his best to fly home and try not to think about it too much. He told Neytiri that he had never been able to find Y/n by the time the whole village was starting to trickle back home for the day. The sun was still out and everyone was going around to start making preparations for the communal dinner. Now Neytiri was starting to get worried and voiced her concerns. So finally, Jake did what he should've done before and made a trip to the chief's marui.

"Have either of you seen Y/n?"

Ao'nung and Tsireya's heads perk up at Jakesully's voice and the mention of Y/n. Both of the reef siblings glance at one another from inside the hut while they could hear Toruk Makto speaking to their parents outside, "We looked everywhere. She's not with her ikran. We checked the Spirit Tree. Nothing."

Tonowari's voice spoke next, "Do you think she is in trouble? We can have a search party sent out for her."

Jake's voice sounded resigned, ashamed, "No, I think she just wants to be left alone. We had a fight yesterday and she ran off before we woke up. But if it gets dark out, I'd appreciate the search party."

Silence followed and Ao'nung could only assume that Jake had left. The reef boy's heart was loudly beating in his ears to the point he had barely noticed Tsireya gently placing her hand on his arm. He spares a glance at her and regrets it. She only stared back as if she held the all-knowing Eywa in her hands. The siblings part when their parents reenter the marui, and Ronal's eyes immediately found her son's with the same knowing expression her daughter bore.

"You know where she is, don't you?"

She's met with silence, the whole hut practically heavy in it as Ao'nung only stared back with a guilt-ridden expression. Tonowari sighed out through his nose, ridding himself of the heavy weight of the situation. He lifts his arm out to the doorway, "Go, boy. Bring her back."

Ao'nung quickly nods and rises to his feet, "Yes, Father."

While watching her son leave, Ronal calls out, "Make haste. I do not want her mother to worry for much longer."

~~~~~~~~~

Ao'nung didn't waste any time. He called an ilu and took off, leaving the village behind him as he followed the beach further up the island. As he arrives at Sänrr Rong, he found a lone ilu, strapped to a harness but floating around without a rider, diving down and inspecting the coral to keep itself busy. Ao'nung disengages from his own ilu and watches the pair going around excitedly playing together before he got out of the water to climb the cliff. He grabs onto vines and rocks and pulls himself up, briefly remembering what the forest kids had done to climb up faster the last time they were all here. He eventually reaches the top, pulling himself over the ledge and catching his breath, exhausted in his haste to get up here. The wind was whipping wildly through his hair as he looks around, immediately finding what he had been looking for.

Y/n was sitting close to the edge of the cliffside where the kids would normally dive from. She had her legs tucked up to her chest and rested her chin on her knees, looking out onto the vast ocean, her mind far away. She wanted to go somewhere quiet, somewhere not many Na'vi travel alone. She hadn't been here in a long time, remembering the last time she had gone to the Glow Tunnel. All the kids were there, having a blast, even having a picnic whenever they took a break from jumping into the water. Y/n stayed on top of the cliff the whole time, still refusing to ever take the leap. She stayed with the basket full of fruit whenever one of her other friends or siblings came around looking for a refreshing treat. She remembered laughing and warning them about stomach aches, especially when Rotxo insisted on chowing down a whole fruit on his own before jumping in for a swim. He regretted that by the time he had climbed back up the cliff, taking a nap instead of rejoining the fun.

Neteyam never looked younger than in those moments at Sänrr Rong, having fun and enjoying being fifteen. He loved cliff diving, especially when he and Lo'ak would race to the bottom or back up to the top. He was always trying to convince Y/n to join them, but each time, she refused and would watch her twin leap into the sky and plummet down into the water.

Now, she sat alone, wishing that her brother was there to ask her to join in the fun. She didn't have to delve into those thoughts for much longer as finally, she heard rustling behind her, footsteps slowly making their way toward her. Eventually, Ao'nung sat down beside Y/n, as he always does nearly every day since she lost her brother, and like always, they sit in silence before eventually, the curiosity ate at him.

"What are you doing up here?"

"Waiting for you." She responds automatically, rising to her feet before her courage could disappear, "Jump with me?"

He peers up at her, surprised, eyes flicking from her face down to her hand when she offered it to him. Ao'nung gulps down the nerves and reaches up, marveling at how small her hand was in his as she helped him rise to his feet again. Ao'nung tries not to keep staring at their joined hands, taking a moment to curl one of his fingers around her smallest, the pinky, the one he used to tease about to her and her siblings relentlessly. Looking back, even Ao'nung wanted to punch himself in the face. There was nothing wrong with the extra finger. In fact, if nothing else, an extra finger just means more to hold.

Realizing he still hasn't answered Y/n's question, he glanced back up to her eyes, blue meeting yellow, like a sun meeting the ocean, "Frakrr."

She beams up at him with her eyes, and her hand clasps more firmly into his. Looking down at the edge of the cliff, she sees the height, the fall, and the water down below. A chill runs down her spine, but it's more from the wind running through her hair than the fear. The wind felt like a comforting hand on her head, urging her forward, and she was not afraid.

Neither of them counts or speaks. Without looking to one another for reassurance, the two teens jump. They both scream, but it's out of delight and excitement, a rush running through them as they fall, fall, fall.

SPLASH.

It was like Y/n blinked and she missed it. One moment she was at the cliff's edge, then the next she was in the water, holding her breath while simultaneously clutching onto Ao'nung's hand so he couldn't get away even if he wanted to. She looked back to find him, and he was already smiling at her, grinning from ear to ear, eyes full of pride and adoration. He pulled his hand out of hers but only so he could excitedly sign to her, 'You did it!'

Y/n mistakenly laughs underwater, the sound muffled by the sea that runs into her mouth. She sputtered, and Ao'nung tries not to laugh himself, taking Y/n's hand back and helping her swim up to the surface. When she emerges from the water, she was still smiling as she coughed, and to Ao'nung it was one of the most baffling and wonderful sights. It was like watching a baptism. Before, she was just a shell, now she smiled, full of life and love and hope.

The Na'vi believe that every person was born twice, and Ao'nung was starting to believe he had just seen it happen with his own two eyes.

They found themselves laughing. Not sure at what, just laughing, likely from the adrenaline rush. It was definitely fun, and Y/n would love nothing more than to climb back up that cliff and jump again. All those other times she and the other teens would come here, and to think she had missed out on all that fun. She never wanted to miss another second of it. Through her laughter, she had closed her eyes. When she opened them, Ao'nung was still right in her field of view. He still laughed, head floating over the water, flyaways of his hair sticking to the sides of his head, framing his face. Y/n's heart leaped in her chest, similar to the cliff dive. She wadded closer to him, barely to the point Ao'nung didn't notice. They were close now, but Ao'nung didn't realize this until he took a moment to catch his breath and noticed that Y/n was no longer laughing. He opened his eyes and his laugh cuts off, eyes widening out of curiosity, wondering what she was doing.

She laughed under her breath when he looked at her like a curious little puppy. Her laugh is infectious so he continues to do the same, and suddenly her nerves have escaped her. The rush is still there, beating loudly in her chest. Every thought in her head continuously tells her to 'jump, jump, jump!'

Y/n took the leap again, only this time, she jumped at the right opportunity to kiss Ao'nung, silencing their shared laughs and molding their lips together in perfect harmony. If it weren't for the crashing sounds of waves, Y/n thought Ao'nung would be able to hear just how loud her heartbeat was. But he was otherwise occupied, one of his arms automatically finding their home around her waist, the other arm keeping them afloat above water. He eagerly kissed back without hesitation. It was like he knew she was going to kiss him, but didn't at the same time. It was hard to explain. He was obviously surprised by the kiss but he didn't hesitate to respond, knowing that this was something he desperately wanted but had refrained himself from taking it. He was happy to wait for Y/n for as long as she needed, but when she kissed him, Ao'nung decided that he was allowed to be selfish, just this once, until Y/n is ready again.

It was hard for her to admit, but Y/n liked it when Ao'nung was selfish. When she had to part the kiss for air, he had eagerly chased after her for more, and that only made her heart swell in adoration. She giggled, rewarding him a small peck on his mouth whilst she gasped quietly for air, leaning her forehead against his. They embrace like this for a while, basking in the peace and the overwhelming happiness breathing between them, listening to the serene sounds of the ocean and feeling the rushing heartbeat of the person they held in their arms.

Of course, all good things must come to an end. And who else was able to ruin such a moment than Fish Lips himself, "If you wanted to get me alone, Forest Girl, all you had to do was ask."

Y/n scowled lightheartedly, rolling her eyes and pulling a laugh from him as he leans forward and kisses her cheek. She can't help but smile, watching her hands rest comfortably in the spaces between Ao'nung's shoulders and neck, gently pressing her thumbs into his muscle there.

"I knew you'd just find me here eventually."

"Mm. True," Ao'nung grins, "I'll play this hide-and-seek game of yours again if that means you'll kiss me each time as a reward."

The laugh she lets out is the most obnoxious one by far, a downright mockery of him as she playfully flicks his cheek with her finger, "Don't push your luck, Seaweed Brain. And unless you want to deal with our parents when we get back, you need to stop smiling like an idiot."

Oh, shit. The parents. 

A/N: She did what Neteyam told her to do. 'Find more'

NOT the end of the series! More to come soon! If you have a request, put in the ask box! Please read the rules first before you leave a request, thank you!

[mmoosen]

WIP Wednesday

tagged by the lovely, gorgeous, talented @thiamsxbitch

Nolan’s car is sitting in the driveway and there are lights on inside the house; Theo immediately jumps out of the drivers seat, leaving Mason, Corey, and Liam waiting in the cars. As Theo begins to make his way towards the side of the house, he pauses and listens through the home’s open windows. Rather than march forward, he turns back to the three waiting and motions for them to get out of the vehicle. The cars are turned off and once the other three start heading towards the side door of the house, they hear what gave Theo pause in his scaring. “AND YOU DIDN’T THINK TO TELL ME THIS WASN’T ENOUGH WHEN IT STARTED’ The shadows of two people are cast on the curtains of the first story windows as one is running across the house, leaving the other desperately trailing behind.

tagging: @ksbbb @rhyslahey @wolfboy88 @arewordsenough @chasing-chimeras @ykthefancyclamwiththepearlinside @theoceanismyinkwell @hemlocksandfoxgloves @transdunbar @pansexual-puppy-pack @gayholloway

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Teen Romance Masterlist

7:30 Every Morning (ao3) - SweetHeavenlyFlower

Summary: Phil goes to school an hour early every morning to sit by the gate and listen to music. Dan is sick of being pranked by his younger brother and as a result meets Phil. The two bond over music and family drama.

An Angel Out of the Blue (ao3) - Otpcruiseliner

Summary: Dan had always been somewhat of a loner, and he was fine with that. But he had never really been super close with any one person. Now given an opportunity for class extra credit, he is partnered up with a strange, tall, angelic boy with the brightest blue eyes he had ever seen. First piece on here, so please enjoy.

because i like you (ao3) - deletable_bird

Summary: “Am I?” Phil asks, “easy to talk to?” and Dan’s heart skips a beat and jump-starts to fever speed. “Sometimes,” he replies, not sure why he’s letting his mouth keep running on, dragging him yet deeper into the hole he’s digging. “Mostly you just make me really nervous.” He probably looks like that girl’s dress over there: bright pink and out of control.

behind the curtain (ao3) - resurrectdead

Summary: Dan adores pink and is playing Satine in the school production of Moulin Rouge. Phil cherishes black and just happens to be good at doing some bombass makeup. Fate brings them together.

Burning Bibles (ao3) - cherryheartz

Summary: phil lester loved curly headed boys with tattoos on their arms and a joint made with torn bible pages between their soft lips.

and dan howell was exactly that.

Dan Howell (ao3) - AlexLester98

Summary: Dan is 17 and pansexual. He has a secret boyfriend named Phil and a lesbian best friend named Kat. Everything seems perfect until prom night when both are hospitalised, after that everything goes to shit.

Everything Comes Back To You (ao3) - curiosityandrain

Summary: Dan and Phil grew up together in a small town, where they had a secret relationship throughout their last year of school. When it comes time to leave for university, they lose contact. Three years later, they’re both back home for summer break and decide to reconnect. They soon realize how much they missed each other. After a whole summer spent together and a road trip with old friends, Dan and Phil begin to wonder whether or not they should continue what there once was between them.

First Times (Friends don't love me like you do) (ao3) - sinking_wthatship

Summary: Dan and Phil were not dating. It was crazy how it probably wouldn't matter how much they said it, there would always be fans, friends, and even their families trying to get them to confess they were a couple. The thing was they actually were not. They were best friends; All best friends love each other, and share things together. And right, maybe where anyone would just share a cake or some vacations, Dan and Phil did share a flat, a job, their personal space, memories, food, a dream and so much more BUT it wasn't such a huge deal, Dan knew it. Except one day, while watching a best friend tag on people's first times doing stuff together, he actually starts to wonder if their friendship is really that typical, after all.

Or, Dan recalls a few of Phil and his not so friendly first times doing things together.

First to Listen (To Anything I Said) (ao3) - SylvesterLester

Summary: It's 2004, and Dan Howell is screwing up in school. He can't help that he's stuck in boring classes with boring people and just doesn't care. So when Phil Lester, one of the geekiest kids in school, is assigned to be his tutor, he's expecting this to just be another crappy part of his already crappy life.

But when it turns out Phil might be Dan's first real friend, his hormones threaten to screw all that up. Because that's all it is, right? Hormones?

Hate Me Closer (ao3) - MySecretsX

Summary: Two boys, Dan and Phil, are both from reasonably different backgrounds. Dan's an English scholar from a lower-class family, whereas Phil's parents paid his way into the school with no trouble. But, they'd probably find they weren't so different if they gave each other a chance.

Auburn Independent School for Boys has eight houses, totalling 128 students per year. It's not an easy life for Dan or Phil, but sometimes there's fortune even in the worst of events. It just takes some wits to see it, and maybe a love interest or two.

in a heartbeat (ao3) - plinth_of_life

Summary: Dan Howell is a closeted teenager, bullied for his sexuality. When he falls in love with his high school classmate Phil Lester, he loses control of his heart.

let's just be (ao3) - quesalpha (ummonique)

Summary: teenage Dan and Phil always joke about getting married

Limerence (ao3) - cherryheartz

Summary: Dan Howell likes Phil Lester's raven colored hair and ice blue eyes. But so does someone else…

Sea of Love (ao3) - troyiesivanie

Summary: Dan and Phil grew up together in Australia and took frequent late night outings, now that Dan has his licence a trip to the beach ends in a way they never could have imagined.

The Boy With The Animal Facts (ao3) - tol_but_smol

Summary: High School AU where Dan has a major crush on Phil, the boy in his art class that is super sweet and gives him daily animal facts

The Fault in Our Education System (ao3) - ticklishpickle

Summary: In which Dan pines over the two things he can’t have; contentment with his grades and Phil Lester, before he realises they might not be as unattainable as they seem.

Or

Something you need to read if you can't stop defining yourself by grades (like me).

Unexpected Moments (ao3) - PhancyPhandom

Summary: A self indulgent Teenage AU oneshot for my first fic posted here!

Dan meets Phil at a house party, and while he usually doesn't look for anything more than a quick hookup, Phil might be making him feel things he hasn't felt, ever.

What Is Love? (ao3) - thescienceofphan

Summary: Dan is paired up with the new student, Phil Lester, and is assigned to write a thousand word essay on the topic “What is love?” within a week. As they venture deeper into the topic, they slowly found themselves questioning each other the same thing: “How would you know if you love someone? How do you fall in love? How would you know if you have fallen in love?”

[pudding-parade]

15 questions for 15 mutuals

Seeing @zoeoe-sims post of this reminded me that several people had tagged me with this right around the time that my cat died a few weeks ago, too. I wasn't in a place to do this then, but…better late than never? I guess?

I babbled, as usual, so I cut for your protection.

Are you named after anyone? My paternal grandmother. Which is fortunate because she's the only one of my grandparents that I liked. Also, my mother because her maiden name is one of my middle names. (I have two. Fancy!) No comment on whether or not I like my mother. LOL

When was the last time you cried? I cried unhappily a lot when my cat died recently. I still get teary-eyed when I think of her or see something that reminds me of her. But, I also cry happy tears when babies are born on my little hobby farm, and since it's that time of the year, I've been crying a lot lately. :)

Basically, I'm a tear factory. A syrupy commercial will make me cry. You should've seen me when I was pregnant. Speaking of which…

Do you have kids? I birthed three, one conceived against my will when I was 17, but raised only two of them. I probably shouldn't have raised any, frankly. I'm not a good parent, and I don't like kids until they're about 8 or 10. But, when you're caught up in a Christian cult, there's intense pressure to procreate. I fear I really messed up my son, but at least I had my daughter when I was mostly out of the cult/god-belief in general, so I feel I did better by her.

Do you use sarcasm a lot? Oh, absolutely not. (Yes, that was sarcasm.)

What sports do you play/have you played? Volleyball. Preferably 2-on-2 because it's more energetic and fun. (If you've ever watched beach volleyball on the Olympics, that's what I do. Or did, when I could.) I'm tall, so I'm pretty good at it. (Not good at basketball, though, because I can't for the life of me run and bounce a ball at the same time.) But mostly I prefer solo pursuits, usually of the "extreme" variety. Free climbing was a passion of my younger years, and I also did some BASE jumping back then. (I wish wing suits had been a thing when I did it. That looks amazing.) White-water kayaking. Skiing/snowboarding. Basically, I'm pretty active when I can be. Chronic health conditions limit me now.

What’s the first thing you notice about other people? Whatever I notice. I don't know. I talk to lots of people, and in the longer term I notice whether or not they can hold a coherent conversation, whether or not they have interests beyond professional sports, tv shows/celebrities, or shoes/fashion, and whether or not they are able to use their higher brain functions. When it comes to possible romantic relationships, I'm strongly attracted to intelligence, eloquence, and unabashed nerdiness, so the ability to use one's brain and have conversations is important to me.

That said, I have to admit that the very first thing I noticed about my husband (almost 10 years ago to this day, in fact) was how nice his ass looked in tight black leather pants, so there's that, too. I like a nice ass as much as the next person. And nice tits. (It's great being pansexual.) But, if all a person has is a great ass/pair of tits, then I lose interest very quickly. Looks fade and gravity does its thing and all that.

Scary movies or happy endings? I don't watch a lot of movies because I find just sitting and watching one to be pretty boring. (Which is odd because I spent much of my adult career as a studio musician working on movie soundtracks.) I'm much better off watching TV shows, which are shorter. But, if I'm going to watch a movie at all, it's either going to be sci-fi or a comedy. Sci-fi can be creepy/scary sometimes (i.e., Alien), and comedies usually have a happy ending, so…both? I guess?

Any special talents? I have perfect pitch and am musically gifted, though my instrumental skills are far superior to my singing skills. That's about it, unless you count the fact that I can wiggle my ears to a freakish degree and independently of each other, like a cat. In fact, I have a number of atavisms like that, probably because my family on both sides is pretty damn inbred.

Where were you born? In Amish country in Indiana, USA. I haven't been back there since I was 16, though. (And since I'm 59, that was a long time ago.)

Well, OK, technically I was born in New York City because my parents were visiting my mom's parents, and I wanted out earlier than expected. (Typical of me, really.) I didn't actually live in NYC until I went to music school, however, and I was raised on a dairy farm in Indiana that my parents owned and paid Amish folks to run for them. So, I grew up hanging out with cows and Amish kids, mostly. LOL

What are your hobbies? Aside from playing video games? Too many, because I don't have time to do them all as much as I would like. Belly dancing and pole dancing. (Both are great for your core.) Composing music. The above-mentioned sports, to the extent that I can do them now. Swing dance. Embroidery/cross-stitch/hand-sewing/lace-making. Horseback riding. Painting. (Only paint-by-numbers because I don't have the time/patience to learn otherwise.) Home improvement projects. (I love me a good tiling job. Currently, I'm working with my husband on our Burmese python's future room because he's quickly growing out of the enclosure we have him in.) Reading scientific papers and popular science articles, especially about dinosaurs. Amateur astronomy. I want to get into doing some woodworking, too, though I have to get over my fear of power saws first.

Basically, my problem is that I have too many interests and not enough time.

Do you have any pets? I have a (mostly) hobby farm, so…

Four horses that are used for just casual and trail riding, so they're basically lushes who laze in the sun and drink a lot of beer, so much that a local microbrewery has their hoppy stout named after my hoppy-stout-loving, beer-snob horse.

Small(ish) herds of both llamas and alpacas. We breed alpacas for their fiber, which we sell combed but otherwise raw to people/companies who spin it to make yarn and stuff. I have fun doing artificial selection with them, breeding for color and fiber texture and stuff. We breed llamas as guard animals, which are basically guard dogs for other livestock. They're more effective against large predators like mountain lions (their natural enemy) than dogs are while requiring much less in the way of training, food, water, etc. So, I have fun with artificial selection with them, too, breeding for (bad) temperament.

A flock of chickens, which is nice because, even though I'm vegan, I'll eat their eggs because I have tons and I know these hens live a life of decadent luxury, complete with a heated coop so they are comfortable year-round. All of them are doted-on, get daily attention (they love sitting in laps) and die of old age unless a predator gets them. Honestly, they're probably my favorite of the farm animals. LOL They are so sweet and so low-maintenance.

Two beehives, though I'm not sure they count as pets. They do require maintenance, though. Them's some hard-working ladies!

Indoors, I have four dogs, three cats, two snakes, and three tarantulas. And an aquarium set-up full of dragonfly nymphs.

(And, I have employees to do most of the farm work because I can't do most of it anymore, and my husband has a real job he loves, and my kids are moved out so no more free labor. Because otherwise my life would consist of nothing but farm chores/animal care.)

How tall are you? 6'0"/183cm. Very tall for a woman, and my build is quite man-like. Being a tall woman is sometimes good and sometimes bad. Like, I can reach whatever I want to reach and be good at volleyball, but finding clothes that fit right is a nightmare. Which is why I got decent at hand-sewing, because I have to alter pretty much everything I buy that's meant for women, even stuff in "tall" sizes, and I got tired of paying to have it done. I really should just make my own clothes from scratch, but there's that time issue again. So, I make do by buying mostly men's clothes. But sometimes you just wanna be pretty, y'know? (Plus, lately, if you go to use a women's restroom while not looking sufficiently female, you'll get very suspicious looks -- and sometimes worse -- from certain idiots waiting for their wife/girlfriend/daughter to come out of the restroom. 🙄)

Fave subject in school? Erm…I didn't actually go to school much. I was enrolled in a private school, but I was traveling and performing as a pianist starting when I was 7 but especially once I was 10. So, I was mostly educated by a private tutor who traveled with me, specifically by a Catholic nun who was in her mid-60s when I was a child. She looked scary, but she was the sweetest woman who ever lived while also being fucking brilliant so it's a damned shame she went into a nunnery. I bawled like a baby at her funeral many years ago.

But ANYWAY! Believe it or not, grammar was my favorite subject. Being educated by a nun, grammar was a Big Thing, but I enjoyed diagramming sentences, which is something that I don't think is taught in schools anymore. (But it should be!) I used to do it for fun. Beyond that, I love any history that isn't US history, and science. All of it. Except physics because calculus hates me. My love of dinosaurs came from my tutor, who was also very interested in them. Which is possibly weird, for a nun, but there it is.

Dream job? Being retired. Which I am. Yay!

Eye color? It says hazel on my driver's license, and I guess that's the closest description. They're basically a muddy green with some flecks of yellow.

I'm not going to tag anyone because it's been a while, and I don't know who's done this. But, if you'd like to do it, consider yourself tagged.

[yingren]

.ᐟ.ᐟ   ⸺     # 𝐘𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐍   is  a  private  writing  blog  scripted  by  east.  orbiting  a   canon  divergent  &  headcanon  based  REN  /  YINGXING  from  honkai  star  rail.  interaction  focused  &&  highly  selective,  rarely  follows  first,  mutuals  only.  oc,  multi  and  crossover  friendly.  personal  blogs  and  minors  dni.  prone  to  medium-high  activity. 

written alongside : runa , ysera , atlas , nine , zero , tba

                  𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐃。        𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒。        𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒。       𝐉𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐍𝐀𝐋。

⊹.  i won't write with anyone under the age of 20, this is for my own comfort. i, myself, am 25.

⊹.  other solo muse ren blogs are muted. i have no personal issues with them & i love seeing people's portrayals but this is to avoid unintentional similarities. if you happen to have a blade muse on your multimuse please tag interactions with something i can mute.

⊹.  this muse is canon-divergent meaning he heavily relies on personal headcanons. you don't have to read all the headcanons but it will help you better understand how i portray him. he only goes by the name REN. he has shorter hair than the in-game model, see here.

⊹.  my general writing style leans towards paragraphs/novella. i do not do one-liners & i rarely spice up my replies with intricate formatting. you may format as you please, however i cannot promise that i will match it. multiple verses & multimuse blogs are okay. duplicates and ocs depend on whether i can see them actually interacting.

⊹.  the best way to start an interaction is to send a prompt in the ask box. send as many as you want and feel free to reply to them / turn them into threads.

⊹.  please do not follow me back/first if you are in no way interested in interacting. this is a writing based blog and i am not here to collect followers.

⊹.  i tend to ship where i sense there is chemistry or the chances of me getting bored are huge. ren is complicated to be romantically involved with and i enjoy a slow burn with angst more than fluffy slice of life connections. i am somewhat picky with ships because i want there to be real/good development. chemistry is all i ask for. ren is pansexual and demiromantic, no specific lean. this blog is brand new so i haven't explored mains/exclusives yet.

⊹.  communicate any issue you have with me. acting petty or passive aggressive will be ignored. i am too tired to entertain that kind of behavior, please just talk to me if something is bothering you.

⊹.  it is highly unlikely i ever jump straight into smut scenes and/or reblog smutty prompts. smut can be a fun addition to write for ships, that's it. dirty/flirtatious jokes and innuendos may occur.

⊹.  do not in any way pressure me for replies. please do write with me but keep in mind that replies may occasionally be sparse due to work, personal life and sometimes even timezones. thank you for reading!

⊹.  heavy trigger warning for: suicide, self harm, body horror, blood, violence, death & gore. i try to tag accordingly but if you choose to follow it is at your own risk. a LOT of the content (mostly in writing) on this blog will touch these topics. i usually tag as such: "blood tw" / "blood cw." smut will be under a 'read more' if it ever does happen but i prefer to write such content on discord in a private server & only with developed ships and writing partners i am comfortable with.

⊹. dni & drama: keep me out of it. i understand that we can't all get along and there are some really shitty people out there but i will not be blocking people left and right because of a vague post made about them. if we are writing and you want to softblock me because i am talking to someone you don't want to see that is more than okay. i will never hold it against you. i ask that you please tell me if you want to break mutuals to avoid misunderstandings or me accidentally re-following you. if you follow me first and i interact with someone on your dni, i will assume that you intended to follow me regardless and that you have them muted/blocked. curate your space as you see fit, i encourage it.

⊹.  credits: carrd made by me, images in pinned drawn by zassyoku_DD. simple divider & icons made by me. promo template by apocalypseresources. pinned "faux divided section" inspired by girlfox ! credit them if using this aesthetic.

[honewolf]

CARRD . AESTHETIC . MUSIC . ETC .

❝ 𝐼 manage because i have to . because I've no other way out . because i've overcome the vanity and pride of being different . i've understood that they are a pitiful defense against being different . because I've understood that the sun shines differently when something changes , but i'm not the axis of those changes . the sun shines differently , but it will continue to shine , and jumping at it with a hoe isn't going to do anything .

independent roleplay blog for geralt of rivia of the witcher series . will take influences from the witcher 3 : wild hunt , the netflix series , the comics , and the novels . ( all of which , i am still consuming ) . portrayed by aster ( they / them , white , 25 yrs ) .

temporary rules below .

*** my verses will be flip flopping around until i can establish where i'd like my main verse to be ! for now , i'm mostly writing in the beginnings of the witcher 3 : wild hunt , and / or the first season of the show . i am new to the witcher as a series and am taking my time consuming all the media , so apologies if i get anything wrong at first ! thank you for your patience ! on that note , i do not mind spoilers .

currently reading : sword of destiny .

i . i am mutuals only! please be patient with me IC and OOC . that means writing-wise, IMs, discord, asks, etc. I am not and will not always be in the mood for chatting or even writing.

ii. there is a lot of content i won't interact with for my own comfort / triggers / etc . please don't be offended if i don't follow back, as the reason could be something as simple as i don't jive with the series you write from !

iii . in regards to shipping, i am multi-ship and open to being ship - exclusive . i like to be friends with my ship partners and put a lot of work and development into my ships , and really wanna dig into what love means for geralt in different aspects of her life ( romantic or otherwise ) . i portray geralt as pansexual , demiromantic .

iv . there WILL be triggering content on this blog ! i will tag everything that I can think to tag , but if you'd like something specific tagged , please just shoot me a message ! the witcher can be pretty dark , but , i'll never purposefully try to make anyone uncomfortable . on the note of content , nsfw will be present . minors do not interact .

v . there's a classic don't be a freak criteria that i keep about my blogs , and i do not mind softblocking or hardblocking to keep myself comfortable . i respect the same vice versa .

vi . ultimately i'm here to hang out and have fun and not take things too seriously . thanks for reading , and i hope we can get to interacting soon !

[iamashippinggod]

You Can Call Me What You Like (As Long As You Call Me)

Part three of my mini-fic series is here! @julybreakbingo

Bingo Prompt: New Couple Trivia Fandom: My Hero Academia Ships: Kaminari Denki/Shinsou Hitoshi, Jirou Kyouka/Kaminari Denki, Aizawa Shouta/Yamada Hizashi Content Warning: Explicit Language, (one second mention) Implied/Referenced Homophobia Tags: Shinsou Hitoshi is an Insomniac, Adopted Shinsou Hitoshi, Adopted Eri, Married Aizawa Shouta/Yamada Hizashi, Past/Reference to Child Abuse, Class 1-A, Established Relationships, Shinsou Hitoshi replaces Mineta Minoru, Shinsou Hitoshi has Social Anxiety, Kaminari Denki has ADHD, Pansexual Kaminari Denki, Bisexual Jirou Kyouka, Gay Shinsou Hitoshi, Late Night Conversations, Implied/Referenced Homophobia. Side Note: This is cross-platformed on AO3, I hope you all enjoy

Masterlist

Summary: “𝘐'𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐'𝘮,”

“𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘨𝘶𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘦'𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵.”

The door opens, and he’s surprised to see that he wasn’t the only one who looked tired. Kaminari looks surprised to see Hitoshi, but doesn’t comment, he puts on a smile and leans on the doorframe. “To what do I owe the honor of this visit, neighbor?”

“You look like shit.” The words came out before he could process them.

Kaminari looks surprised at first, and Hitoshi slaps a hand over his mouth before the other begins to laugh. “Thanks. I took inspiration from you.”

“Your bags look bigger than mine.”

“𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦,”

“𝘈𝘴 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦.”

Hitoshi was having a hard time keeping his eyes open throughout class, the heel of his hand dug into his cheek in an attempt to keep his head up, though that was only doing so much to keep him up and focused on what Cementoss was teaching them on the whiteboard.

            He was no stranger to exhaustion, he is an insomniac through and through, ‘has been for a long time and may very well remain that way for the rest of his life.  

            Hitoshi expected the lack of sleep during the first few nights, with it being a new environment and knowing that it wasn’t just his family living with him (minus Eri and Hizashi, who were staying at their on-campus apartment), it came as no surprise that he was kept awake with a familiar pit of anxiety in his stomach during the first week of staying at the dorms full time.

            However, anxiety and insomnia alone were no longer the reason for his worsened sleep schedule. No.

           “Psst,” He hears a whisper to his right, but he chooses to ignore it at first. He almost jumps up when he feels something hit him, and it forces him to open his eyes again. Annoyed, he looks to his right to see Kaminari looking at him, brows furrowed. “You good?” He whispers, and Hitoshi bites back a scoff.

            Because the reason why he has been lying awake in his dorm these past few nights has the audacity to ask him if he was alright while he was clearly falling asleep in class.

            Sarcastically, Hitoshi gives him a thumbs up, looking down at his desk to see that Kaminari had thrown a balled up piece of paper at him. The purple-haired boy looks up, noting that Cementoss wasn’t paying attention to the class and was facing the whiteboard as he spoke about their lesson.

            It has been almost two weeks since Hitoshi joined Class 1-A, almost two weeks since he started staying in the dorms with the rest of his classmates. And Hitoshi was quick to understand that Kaminari was nothing if not stubborn. The blond has been attempting to hold a conversation with him every chance he got, from jokes that made no sense to him, to various topics such as homework or what he was having for dinner. He was set on befriending Hitoshi if it’s the last thing he does. 

            And normally, Hitoshi could block out that nonsense easily, after all, he’s done it with every school, classroom and classmate since his Quirk came into play. Quite frankly, he would say that he’s done a good job at doing so thus far.

              But, as stated before, Kaminari was nothing if not stubborn. 

              A sense of movement catches his attention and he tries not to sigh loudly as he looks toward Kaminari again, who was nodding his head at the balled up piece of paper he had thrown at him previously. “Open it,” he mouthed.

            Hitoshi rolls his eyes, but does so anyway. His eyes flickered from the paper and the teacher to make sure he wasn’t unraveling it too loudly. He looks at the scribbled words, then at the blond (who, if he was being honest, looked like an excited golden retriever). 

            Do you want to study together tonight? Hitoshi shook his head, making Kaminari frown.

           “Why?”

            Was he trying to get us detention? He quickly writes down his response before passing the note hastily toward him. I can’t, I’m babysitting Eri for my parents while they’re on patrol. He replied, and it wasn’t a lie. It just wasn’t the entire truth.

            The paper was quickly placed in front of him again. Fine. There was a frown-face drawing next to the word. You look like shit, by the way. Was followed by a smiley-face. 

            And he would deny that he almost laughed or even smiled at that if anyone confronted him about it. He looked over toward Kaminari, who was biting back his own laugh, and flipped him off.

Again, he technically wasn’t lying. He did promise to babysit Eri while their Dad was out patrolling, and Pops has his radio show to manage. So he didn’t feel too bad for staying the night at the apartment to look after her, and as a hopeful bonus, he thought he could get some sleep while he was there.

            Key words: he thought.

            Turns out, even after staying up until eleven (which he wasn’t supposed to allow Eri to do) to play Mario Kart followed by a movie, Hitoshi remained wide awake even after his head had hit the pillows. He knows that he has to get at least a couple of hours of sleep tonight, or else he may as well stay in bed tomorrow in case he finally passes out. 

            Plus, he really didn’t want to worry his Dad and Pops, which they tended to do whenever he went through these sleepless-spells of his. His Dad understood, mostly because he too suffers from insomnia, though it’s not as bad as it used to be according to him. 

            He thought about working on his homework, but his body was too exhausted to move across the room to get his bag. He was bored, tired, and had nothing to do. Well, technically, he could reach across and grab his Switch, but then he knows that any chance of him actually falling asleep would vanish in an instant. 

            He rolls onto his side with a sigh, his eyes locking onto the clock, watching as another minute passes. 1:43am it taunts. Next to the clock was his phone, and as much as he knew better than to be on it on nights like this, he knew that the chances of him falling asleep were already slim. 

            And like a sign sent from above, his phone lit up with a notification. 

            Purple eyes squint at the brightness, and he reaches over to grab the device, looking a bit surprised by who the message was from.

            Hey! It's Kaminari. You up?

            He opens his messages and clicks on the new conversation. Hitoshi doesn’t know whether to be curious about why Kaminari was texting him, or to be curious about how he got his number. He chooses the latter. How did you get my number? 

            Three dots pop up at the bottom of the chat, Irrelevant. Hitoshi rolls his eyes. But now that I know you’re awake, what kind of music do you like?

            It was a bizarre question to ask in the middle of the night, but he shrugs it off. Depends on my mood. Pop rock and Indie are my normal go-to’s though. He waits for a second, not seeing another row of dots, so he adds, Why?

            Another second, and Kaminari sends him a link. Found this last week.

            Hitoshi stares at the link for a moment, “Babylon?” Curiosity gets the better of him, so he reaches across his bedside table and grabs his Airpods before clicking the link. 

            About thirty seconds into the song, he replies, Not bad. Much to his surprise. Didn’t know you listened to American culture.

           “We said we both loved higher than we knew we could go.”

            First of all, 5 Seconds of Summer is an Australian band. Hitoshi huffs out a sound, the corner of his lips tugging up when he moves to lie on his back. And second of all, most English-speaking bands are amazing. It just depends on your taste.

            And what exactly is your taste? Hitoshi asks.

            Purple hair, pretty eyes, loves to say they hate me when we both know that’s a lie. A winking-emoji is sent afterwards, which makes Hitoshi roll his eyes again. 

            Like your girlfriend? He types. 

           “But still the hardest part is knowing when to let go.”

            Three dots dance at the bottom of the screen, and for a minute, Hitoshi thinks that Kaminari was writing him a paragraph.

            Yeah, like my girlfriend. Another row of dots dance on the screen before another message comes through, But I like pop music mostly, Indie music is a hit or miss for me.

           “You wanted to go higher, higher, higher.”

            So, Kaminari texts, Why are you still up? Surely Eri is asleep by now.

            Why are you still up? He responds. 

           “We burned too bright, now the fire's gone, watch it all fall down,” 

            Another row of dots, then nothing. Hitoshi looks at the time, a minute goes by and Kaminari still doesn’t respond. Weird. So Hitoshi clicks the power button once to turn off the screen, his phone falling from his hands and onto his chest as he closes his eyes. . 

            “Babylon.”

For the first time in over a week, Hitoshi slept for more than a few hours last night. 

            Kaminari never responded to Hitoshi’s previous text, but not too long after he got up, the blond was texting him again as if their previous conversation didn’t happen.

            What’s your favorite color? Kaminari asked him.

            Purple. Yours?

            Yellow. Specifically sunflower yellow.  

            But the texting didn’t stop there.

            During breakfast with his family, Hitoshi’s phone buzzed rapidly on the table, which provoked some looks from both of his parents, and even Eri looked curious. Hitoshi shrugged it off until he was getting ready for school.

            Question one. Do you have any pets? Question two. When’s your birthday? Question three. Favorite season?

            Three cats. July 1rst. And winter. He typed before adding, But only one of the cats is actually mine, the other two are technically my Dad’s and Eri.

            So would you say you’re more of a cat person than a dog person?

            Yeah, but I don’t mind dogs much. As long as they don’t slobber on me.

            The next round of questions happened in school. 

            They were in Art History with Midnight when Hitoshi’s phone buzzed again. Hitoshi immediately looked to his right to see Kaminari looking up from his phone, which was in his lap, and looked right at him.

            Curiosity gets the better of him, and Hitoshi opens his phone, being mindful of their teacher as he reads the text.

            What is the craziest conspiracy you’ve ever come up with?

            That one took him by surprise. He gives a quick glance between Kaminari and Midnight before replying. What brought this on?

            Kaminari’s phone lights up in his lap, and he’s quick to respond. Indulge me.

            Midoriya is somehow related to All Might.

            Hitoshi watches the blond’s reaction, watching him bite his lip as his body visibly vibrates with a stifled laugh. You would definitely get along with Todoroki. Hitoshi raises a brow in his direction, but is met with a head shake. Cereal before milk or milk before cereal?

            Cereal before milk. Obviously.

            Bullshit!

            It’s the only correct way of eating cereal dumbass.

            Coffee or tea?

            Coffee.

            How do you take it?

            As black as my soul.

            Okay, edgelord.

            That tug on his lips was back, but he doesn’t leave it there for long, especially when he can feel the blond’s eyes on him. So he turns off his screen and looks ahead toward the whiteboard, ignoring the smile on Kaminari’s face, and the eyes drilling into the back of his head from Jirou.

Maybe Hitoshi was just imagining things, but during training, he swore Jirou looked angry at him. Which seems impossible, since he hasn’t really spoken to anyone outside of Midoriya and Kaminari (though Kaminari mostly did the talking, and he only talked to Midoriya to see if he could borrow his notes). So he doesn’t understand what he could have done to upset her.

            At the same time, she looked mad at Kaminari too. 

            Speaking of, he was his partner for today’s training session, a game of Villains and Heroes. The objective: save the hostages. Today, they were the Heroes, their opponents were Jirou and Asui, and the hostages were Bakugou (who argued this set up for a solid minute) and Uraraka. 

            And though they were doing well, Kaminari continued their conversation from earlier. 

            “Do you think aliens exist?” 

            He wasn’t even surprised by the question, he was more surprised that Kaminari was asking right now though. Hitoshi peaks around the corner, his eyes locking on Asui but couldn't get a clear view of Jirou from this angle. “Now’s not the time for this.”

            Kaminari frowns. “Come on, yes or no.”

            Hitoshi rolled his eyes, “Uh, I guess? There’s no solid proof that they exist but at the same time, there’s no evidence pitting against the possibility.”

            “Are you a morning person?”             “Do I look like a morning person?” “Considering you drink your coffee black like a psychopath?” Hitoshi was glad that his voice changer covers his mouth, cause he couldn’t help but to smirk. “I guess not.”

            “Are you forgetting that we’re in the middle of class?” Or that your girlfriend is probably listening to this conversation right now? 

            Kaminari shrugs. “Sunset or sunrise?”

            “Sunset.”

            “Favorite game?”

            “Right now? Genshin Impact.”

            “What’s your type?” 

            Hitoshi stills for a second, processing the question before he whipped his head around to look at the blond, “What?”

            Again, Kaminari shrugs. “Like, romantically. What’s your type?”

            “That shit is so stupid.”

            “Come on,” He drags out, stepping closer. “Who's your dream girl?”

            “Bold of you to assume I’m into girls.” They both fall silent.

            Hitoshi looks at him like a deer in headlights. It wasn’t like his sexuality was a secret, but there were better ways of announcing that to people who weren’t aware.

            But Kaminari only smiles, “My question still stands,” He steps closer, peaking around Hitoshi to look at the situation before looking up at him, “Who’s your dream guy?”

            Hitoshi doesn’t say anything. And more so, doesn’t get a chance to as a sonic blast invades the alley they were hiding in. 

            To sum up the rest of practice, the Villains had won that round, Kaminari had short circuited, and Jirou had to take Kaminari to see Recovery Girl. The rest of training went on like usual, and Hitoshi expected a quiet night ahead of him as he noticed how exhausted everyone looked when walking back to the dorms.

            Which leads to now.

            From across the hall, Kaminari’s music was turned up and Sex, Drugs, Ect. is playing now. At least he has good taste. Hitoshi argued with himself.

            The purple-haired boy stared up at the ceiling, humming along with the music mindlessly. His previous attempt to fall asleep failed as expected, so in the meantime, he listened to the music Kaminari was playing, noting that at least ninety-eight percent of his choices were English. 

           “Everywhere I go, I know that I don’t wanna be part of something I won’t ever need.”

            But while the music was good (and he wasn’t going to pretend like it wasn’t), he was still a bit peeved about why the boy across the hall had to play it so loud. People were trying to sleep.

            “Your socialized, romanticized life-ife-ife,”             “Floating on my lowkey vibe,”

            “Floating on my lowkey vibe, vibe, vibe.”

            As he was about to roll over and attempt to block it out, his phone chimes. And he already knew who it was going to be. 

            What’s it like living with two Pros as your parents?

            He just wasn’t expecting that to be his question.

            Hitoshi’s fingers tapped the screen. What do you mean?

            Like. Three dots show up at the bottom of the screen, then none. Another three dots, then none. “I don't need that late night high,”

            We see them everyday as our teachers, and outside of that they’re the Pro Heroes we’ve all looked up to as kids. I guess I’m just curious to know if they’re any different at home.

           “I'm floating on my vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe,”

           “Vibe, vibe.”

            Of course they’re different when they’re at home. Hitoshi texted, noting the appearance and disappearance of dots again. It’s not a bad difference, if that’s what you’re wondering.

            “Out of touch in harmony,”

            “Designer drugs from dead end streets.”

            Why do you ask? Hitoshi typed. 

            Three dots. No dots. No reason. Smiley-face. Why do you want to be a hero?

            Because people said I couldn’t. He found himself typing and sending before he realized what he wrote. Hitoshi holds his breath, waiting for a response. What would Kaminari respond with? Would he say that they were right? That they had a point? It’s not the first time someone’s said it.

            His phone chimes with a new message, Well, they’re wrong. You’re gonna go far.

            Can I ask you something? Hitoshi asks, Kaminari responds with a thumbs up. Why are you still up?

            Why are you?

            “Break the air to feel the fall,”

            “Or just feel anything at all.”

            Hitoshi doesn’t respond, he finds himself falling asleep before he could.

That was Thursday, it was Sunday now.

            The past few days happened as so; Jirou had continued sending him quick glares but other than that, hasn’t spoken to him (he still doesn’t understand how he could have upset her, given he hasn’t spoken to anyone in their class really). Midoriya had invited him to join his study group with Iida, Uraraka and Todoroki but he had declined (mostly because that meant socializing). 

            Kaminari hasn’t texted him since Thursday. It was kind of annoying how he went from sending text after text to nothing at all. But Hitoshi didn’t press to bother him, and whenever he saw Kaminari looking in his direction from out of the corner of his eye, he shrugged it off thinking it was nothing. 

            Yet, he couldn’t stop thinking about the lack of messages. It’s funny because they had only texted like that for twenty-four-hours, and yet the lack of it seems to be fucking with him. This is why he doesn’t socialize. Why does it have to be so complicated?

            Hitoshi had spent the weekend at the apartment with his family, and though he wasn’t actively waiting for a text, he found himself checking his messages more often, expecting the blond to have asked him a random question with no context. But it was radio silent.

             Saturday night, Eri wanted to watch a movie (he doesn’t remember the name, or even what it was about) while their Dad was out on patrol. The three of them had a random assortment of snacks scattered around, Eri and Hitoshi were on the floor surrounded by pillows, and Hizashi was on the couch.

            But even though he was meant to be watching, he had kept his phone close, checking it now and then only to frown.

            Hitoshi had felt a tap on his shoulder, “Hey, little listener?” His Pops spoke up. The purple-haired boy looked up from his screen (after checking it for the fifth time), and looked behind him, humming in response. “Everything okay? You seem distracted.”

            Hitoshi only nods before pocketing his phone, forcing his eyes to look at the TV and attempting to ignore the device until the movie is over. 

            The next night, he was back in the dorms for school on Monday. 

            Hitoshi knew that he wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon, so he was on his Switch playing Stardew Valley. He had been working on the mines for an hour when he noticed the music playing across the hall. He paused his game and listened closely to tonight’s song.

           “Smiling when I ask if she's bored yet,”

           “Wonder if we took it too far,”

            Compared to the usual volume that Kaminari had his music set at, tonight the music was only loud enough for him to notice that there was sound coming from his room. Hitoshi sets down his Switch with a sigh, moving to get up from his bed.

           “Both taste confused.”

           “Darling, what am I to do?”

            At one in the morning, Hitoshi found himself knocking on the blond’s door, even though he was exhausted and didn’t really have the energy to talk to anyone. 

           “I'd like to think that I'm,”

           “The only guy she'll see tonight.”

            The door opens, and he’s surprised to see that he wasn’t the only one who looked tired. Kaminari looks surprised to see Hitoshi in general, but doesn’t comment or go to complain, he puts on a smile and leans on the doorframe. “To what do I owe the honor of this visit, neighbor?”

            “You look like shit.” The words came out before he could process them. 

            Kaminari looks surprised at first, and Hitoshi slaps a hand over his mouth before the other begins to laugh. “Thanks. I took inspiration from you.” 

            “Your bags look bigger than mine.” 

           “You can call me what you like,”

           “As long as you call me.”

            “Are you okay?” Hitoshi asked. Kaminari looked at him confused before he continued, “Normally, your music is way louder, and you look like you haven’t slept. Why are you still up anyway?”

            “My music- Oh.” Kaminari realizes and sighs. “Ah, so that’s why she’s mad…” He pushes off the door, walking back into his room with the door left open for Hitoshi to walk in. 

            Hitoshi immediately notices the mess of papers scattered around his desk, noting how some of the pages look like a coloring book from how many highlighters he had used to make notations. “Why who’s mad?”

            “Kyouka.” Kaminari reaches over for his phone and turns down the volume to the music, sitting down on the end of his end with his head low. “We kind of got into a fight, but she wouldn’t tell me what exactly she was mad about? So yeah.”

            Jirou’s Quirk… Okay, that would make sense. If you had a Quirk that enhances your hearing and had a partner that played their music loudly at all hours of the night, you would be angry too. But why was she glaring at me then? “So that’s why you aren’t blasting it tonight?” Kaminari doesn’t respond, so Hitoshi skips over that and moves onto something else. He stops at his desk and notices the papers there were from mathematics and modern art, “Is all this just homework?” Kaminari nods, “Is this why you’ve been staying up late?”

            “Yeah. It’s not that I don’t understand the material, I do. I could literally recite everything Midnight taught us in class last Thursday if I wanted to.” Kaminari tells him, his hands reaching for what looked like a fidget toy. “But showing that I understand it is a different story.”

            “Does my dad know that you’re having trouble?” 

            “Which one are you talking about?” Kaminari raises a brow. Hitoshi shrugs, “Uh, Aizawa Sensei knows- sorry, isn’t it weird for someone to call your dad by the same last name as you?” 

            Hitoshi shakes his head. “No, cause I know who people are referring to half the time.”

            “Well, he knows. I’m pretty sure all of the teachers do, but he’s been tutoring me on the weekends.”

            “Is that you haven’t texted me?”

            Kaminari looks up from the fidget. “Aww, did you miss me?” He grins, amusement in his eyes. 

            Hitoshi scoffs, “Shut up.”

            “You’re not denying it,” He sang.

            “Answer the question.”

            Kaminari shakes his head, going back to his fidget. “Partially, yeah.” He admits. His grin turns into a small smile, “I laid off cause I thought I was annoying you.”

            “You were.” Hitoshi said, and Kaminari looked down at his lap. “But if I was really bothered by it, I would have told you to fuck off.” 

            “... So you did miss me, is what I’m hearing.”

            “I will leave.” Kaminari laughs. Hitoshi rolls his eyes again before walking over and sitting down next to him. “Who the hell are we listening to anyway?”

            The blond gives him a quick glance before reaching for his phone, “A band called Lovejoy. ‘Learned about them today.” He turned his phone over so Hitoshi could see his screen. The first thing he notices is that his background is of him and Jirou. “Call Me What You Like? Isn't that the name of that one Montero song?”

            “No, that’s Call Me By Your Name. And the two songs are very different.” Hitoshi hums, leaning back until he is lying on Kaminari’s bed. The blond looks over his shoulder, “Hey, can I ask you something?” Hitoshi hums again. “During training last Thursday, when I asked you who your dream girl was and you... said what you said,” He pauses, waiting for the other to jump in and stop him. “I- I didn’t make you accidentally come out or anything, right?”

            “What? No.” Hitoshi says quickly, noticing the way Kaminari deflates at that, like he was relieved. “I’ve been out. I just don’t go around telling people 'cause it's no one's business. Why?”

            He shook his head again, “I just… I know what that’s like, so I just wanted to make sure I didn’t put you through that.” 

            That peaks Hitoshi’s interest. 

            “So… You’re-?”             “Not straight? No, I’m pans.” 

            He nods, watching as Kaminari lays down next to him. “What happened?”

            The other sighs. “Middle school. We were playing truth or dare and they asked me which of the girls we were playing with I would kiss, I told them neither but I would kiss one of the guys.” 

            “And they didn’t react well?”

            Kaminari shrugs, “Mixed reaction. A lot of them weren’t bothered by it, some of them thought I was joking, the others after class followed me home, ‘told me I was going to go to hell. You know, the usual middle school bullshit.” He turns his head to look at him, sighing when he sees Hitoshi’s expression. “It’s not as bad as it sounds. It could have been worse,” He told him, “They could have told my parents.”

            “They don’t know?”

            Kaminari shrugs, “Like you said, it’s no one’s business. Besides, I’m not dating a guy right now anyway.” 

            “Does Jirou know?”

            “Everyone in our class knows. Hell, ‘pretty sure both of your dads’ know.” He laughs a little. “But do you have an answer to my question?”

            Hitoshi looks at him with furrowed brows. “And that question is…?”

            “Your dream guy.”

            He scoffs, shaking his head before he looks up at the ceiling. “Oh please- You’re still on about that?” He could see Kaminari smiling out of the corner of his eyes. Hitoshi sighs, “I… don’t know.” He tells him. “Never thought about it.” 

            “What? You don’t have an ex to compare to?” Hitoshi doesn’t reply. “Wait- So you’ve-?”             “Never had a boyfriend?” Hitoshi turns his head back to him, watching Kaminari nod. So he shakes his head. “No… I mean, come on. Name one person who would want to date me while knowing what my Quirk is.”

            “Midoriya.” Hitoshi raises a brow at him, not expecting a response. “He wouldn’t care what kind of Quirk you have. Neither would I.”

            Cue the silence, with the exception of the music in the background. 

            “This just in,”

            “I am a total fucking dumbass.”

            He almost laughs at the words. “What exactly is this song about?” Kaminari shrugs. “Can I ask you something?”

           “And I've come to the uncomfortable conclusion that I'll be spending the rest of my life in a state of constant paranoia.”

           “Just let me follow you, and I'll proceed to bang my head on every doorway and door frame you see suitable for us to go through.”

            “Technically you already did, twice.” Hitoshi smiles, “Go for it.”

            “Are you a plant person?” 

            “Pfft-” He laughs, not expecting the question. “Am I a plant person?” Hitoshi nods, “Do I look like someone who could take care of a plant?”

           “And I've found that the road to happiness is paved,”

           “With rows and rows of very tempting parking spaces.”

            “Eh, you’re right.” Hitoshi shrugs, looking up again with a grin, “You’d kill it in a day.”

           “I'm not paranoid, I'm a realist.”

            Cue Kaminari shoving him off the bed, the purple-haired boy laughing lightly.

            The blond peaks over the side of his bed, looking down at him with a smile. “So you really don’t mind me texting you?” Hitoshi shakes his head. “Great, cause I found some hilarious Tik Toks that I’ve been wanting to send to you. Some of them remind me of your dad to-”

            Hitoshi could only stare up at him, smiling like an idiot.

           “I know you're gonna kill me!”

[mischief-lies-and-stories]

Since this is my first post on this blog, I figured I’d layout some basic information about who I am as a fan and what this blog will be about. This will be a pinned post. (If I can figure out how to do that. I’ve been a Tumblr vet of 13 or 14 years, well before pinned posts were a thing. And if there’s one thing tumblrinas are, it’s stubborn as all hell and resistant to change. So I’ve never made a pinned post before.) I’m sorry it’s so long; I’m a rambler. But let’s jump into it. 

My basic, core text for my Loki fan-hood, my Gospel of Loki religion, if you will, at least in the comics and what I’m always trying to assimilate into the MCU and any other comics that I read is Loki: Agent of Asgard by Al Ewing, which started its run in 2013. That’s probably where I get most of my theories and headcanons and how I characterize Loki. So if you’re confused about something I’m stating as a fact, it’s probably because it’s something I got from Agent of Asgard, especially when I’m talking about Loki as a comic book character rather than in the MCU. Regardless of who wrote the comic that I’m talking about or if what I’m referencing was even in AoA at all, I’m probably stacking it against how Loki is characterized in that comic run. Though I will try to state that that’s where I’m getting that theory or assumption about Loki. 

Regardless of what source, even if I’m talking about the mythological Norse deity, it doesn’t matter, Loki is genderfluid (in my definition of the term as a genderfluid person, not the MCU’s definition of the term and in some cases not even the comics’ definition of the term) and either bisexual or pansexual. I usually say pan, but people are saying bi in terms of the MCU. The thing is, I don’t think we ever really get an explicit statement about one or the other for him. What we do get in the comics is him saying that on Asgard, there are sexual acts, not sexual identities. So he doesn’t even see himself as having a sexual identity, it’s just who he’s attracted to at any given time. So really it could go either way. Additionally, I tend to use he/him or they/them pronouns when talking about Loki unless I’m specifically referencing a moment in the comics (or one of my fics) when Loki is a woman, just because most of the time in anything (movies, tv shows, novels, comics) Loki seems to be presenting as a man. (He’s also said in the comics that any pronouns are fine whenever.)

I ship Loki with a lot of characters, both MCU and characters as yet exclusive to comics or Marvel-commissioned novels. However, I tend to ship him with a lot more guys than women. I do also ship him with one little known genderfluid character (I’ll probably talk about them in another post and why I ship them with him). This doesn’t mean I’m against him being with a girl. I just think that he has this running habit both in the comics and as we’ve seen a little bit on the show (and Mackenzi Lee’s Where Mischief Lies), where he chooses women who turn on him almost immediately. And I’m tired of it. Maybe I’ll get into that a little more in a later post (they say, continuing to make promises they likely can’t keep), about the juxtaposition between the men that I ship him with or that he canonically gets with for a little while and how they treat him versus the women that he is--because of the heteronormative world we live in--more often canonically together with, and how they tend to treat him. 

Which leads me to state, I am a Sylki anti. I’m sorry to those of you who may ship that (assuming there’s anyone who’s going to be looking at this blog). I won’t tag any of my hate, but it may come up in searches sometimes, when you aren’t searching the tag but mentions of the word, so sorry, I can’t control that. I’m not a selfcest shipper in general (with the small exception of Moon Knight, but that’s a conversation for a blog I’m not going to make). I’m not a Sylvie hater, though. I just hate the ship. I love Sylvie and would die for her and she’s perfect and can do no wrong, except for that one time she kissed Loki. Also I absolutely do think that Loki would fuck himself in a heartbeat, I just don’t want to see it and I don’t ship it. I probably won’t talk about it too much, unless I’m ranting about the show being so no-homo that they created selfcest. But again, I will never tag my hate; I’m not looking for a fight and that shit’s just petty. Don’t do it, guys.

So this blog itself will be a variety of things: rank lists, essays because I have a lot to say about this character (and right now I’ve been forcing my best friend to deal with all my feelings), photos and descriptions of my collection (because I recently put it all together in its own spot and I have a lot of shit and it just keeps growing because I cannot help myself), plugs for my Loki fics (I’m very nervous about going online and saying “I wrote this, please read it” but then I go on AO3 like “Why is nobody reading this? :(((” so this is the place I’m going to try to do that sometimes), as well as anything else Loki related that I feel like talking about. I might reblog some things I find elsewhere, but it’s not likely, at least not at the beginning. I’ll also do my best to source anything that isn’t mine. 

[northwyrm]

I posted 1,835 times in 2022

That's 1,555 more posts than 2021!

38 posts created (2%)

1,797 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@theoretical-dragonologist

@saint-nevermore

@ruthlesslistener

@kalelraejepsen

@never-nevermore

I tagged 1,831 of my posts in 2022

#books - 421 posts

#the locked tomb - 230 posts

#dragons - 167 posts

#dragon - 151 posts

#knights - 146 posts

#games - 106 posts

#vibe1 - 82 posts

#gideon the ninth - 79 posts

#book - 78 posts

#knight - 69 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#the idea is when you're in a group and there's a timed deadline there is accountability and pressure so you can get a bit of writing done

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Me: I only want to date women

Solaire of Astora: Praise the sun!

Me: okay I'm pansexual now I also want to date this man

12 notes - Posted February 18, 2022

#4

Scorn World Map

Special thanks to @headmushroom I'm making progress on the Scorn Map; every now and then I make a rough doodle to orientate myself (and to post to tumblr to get clout)

So Headmushroom (who is providing me with many many screenshots) and I have found out:

The tower thing Parasite Guy strives for is directly above the lift down to Act 3, you visit it later. It's also above a circular room right near the start - you cannot enter this empty space full of pipes and cables, you can just witness it. Everything is stacked neatly and vertically.

The gentle bulges on the sides of the main building house those glowing red pod structures, the ones containing (sleeping? unborn?) guys

Not only do you go back through the same building as both Parasite Guy and Scorn Guy, but during the time jump other people have been there: carts have changed position and some pipes and things in the walls have been moved and plugged in. Some of these things are too specific for continuity errors (especially the plugged in floor thing in the first room). Also some of the pipes are full and red and juicy when you first pass the, grey and dusty when you revist them later in the game.

Most of the discoveries are small things like "oh! this connects to that!" and things of that nature, it'll all be clearer once I've finished the maps for the main building, it's just so exciting seeing how it all comes together!!!

12 notes - Posted December 5, 2022

#3

Mapping Project

Early days on a mapping project of Scorn, would I be correct in thinking the levels link together like this?

21 notes - Posted November 23, 2022

#2

My favourite bit of Scorn (2022) was when you showed compassion to the parasite who has basically been carrying you this entire time and, instead of extracting him you decided to live in peace and actually you're a couple now. And also the shell child was fine all along and you and your loving parasite find him again and you're a family now.

Funny that the game is entitled 'scorn' when, if the above memory is correct, you treated none of your fellow lifeforms with scorn and suffered no hubris for all the wanton destruction you caused.

Anyway here is fanart of something that definitely happened when you, scornless and in fact endeared by all the gore and muck around you, celebrate shell child's first year out of the shell.

96 notes - Posted October 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I LOVE vulture culture nerds. They see something as sad and tragic as roadkill and they say "actually, it's a good day for me" and have such infectious joy about it. "Wow! A dead rabbit!"

Imagine having a world outlook that when you see something commonly thought of as gross and sad you think "this could be art! This could be art that celebrates animals!"

717 notes - Posted January 13, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[ninacarstairss]

PARABATAI WEEK — day 6, underrated/fanon parabatai @carstairgray

i’m broken, torn apart, shattered and a couple more adjectives because of tftsa and it falls perfectly on the parabatai week so here are some simon x george parabatai headcanon

they place their parabatai runes on the back of their shoulders to symbolize they’ll always have each other’s back.

after the ceremony they go back to the new york institute and the rest of the gang surprises them with a party to celebrate.

simon places a stuffed rat on george’s bed before he shows him his new room, in memory of their days at the academy. the rat also has a tiny collar with “jon cartwright xxxv” engraved on it.

george jumps on the nearest chair when he sees it and his academy nightmares come back to him as simon is doubled over laughing near the door.

once the initial fear of having to deal with rats even at the institute passes, george keeps the stuffed animal and he adores it, it reminds him of their time at the academy, how he and simon met and became the brothers they are now.

they start having training sessions with jace and alec and they always end up on the ground with jace and alec triumphant over them but they put up quite a fight when fighting together.

they also like to train a lot with izzy and clary but that works way less for their skills because izzy and simon end up making out somewhere when one of them pins the other on the floor and clary and george just leave the room and go get a coffee before they can see something they won’t be able to forget. alec still talks about his nightmares regarding the time he walked in on simon and izzy in idris.

george gets to know the gang better and they all love him, but simon is especially happy when he notices him bonding a lot with izzy and clary and when he sees alec starting to trust him fully. jace ends up telling george so many stories about the first time he met simon and how he was when he first entered the shadow world, including the being-turned-into-a-rat part — george’s favorite ever since the academy — and that’s when simon knows jace really likes him too.

simon keeps schooling george in pop culture, movies, comics and the history of his band when he was a mundane and he drags george around the city in all the best places to find comics and the best film. soon enough george is making star wars references on a daily basis. though, he’ll never stop mocking simon about all the names his band went through, especially when he reveals the ones he though about during the academy that had to do with rats and other weird creatures, or grey eggs.

george often leaves to visit his family in scotland and he always takes simon with him. his parents love him and they always welcome him as a son. george couldn’t be happier and simon feels at home. he misses seeing his family every day, but he learned that for every loss there’s something to gain and this new part of a home is his own new piece of happiness.

once, though, the whole gang tagged along. george talked about the green fields and the sheep of scotland so much that they wanted to see for themselves. it’s a wild vacation and, between a hike and a tour of the nearby cities, jace gets not-so-gracefully swept off his feet by a running sheep and it’s a sight they’ll never forget or let him live down.

they have annual dinners with the group for the academy. no matter how far they’re all located from each other, they get a portal and meet in idris at least once a year and visit the muddy fields where scarsbury had them running and doing push-ups for as long as it took to kill them. beatriz and julie have also become a great pair of parabatai and jon manages not to be too obnoxious for one night a year.

simon also schooled george in the art of eating take out every day for basically all meals and told him to gently refuse every single thing that leaves the pan when it’s izzy cooking as soon as he stepped foot into the institute. surprisingly enough izzy and george find in each other some really horrible cooks who get along a lot and think they cook fantastic food while burning half the kitchen every single time they get close to a burner. simon’s desperate and he’s most likely going to loose his eyebrows in a kitchen fire soon enough. or worse, he might actually have to eat the stuff they cook one of these days. (credits to @icycoolslushie for the idea on this one)

when sizzy get married simon chooses george to be his suggenes and george cries his eyes out because his brother is so grown up and he’s getting married

once clary and simon convince the gang to celebrate halloween and they organize a halloween party at the institute for all their friends. george is the first to agree and he’s so excited. he and simon are planning matching costumes and decide to go as avatar characters — but with more covering clothes on, simon is stoic about this and george agrees it’s probably best not to risk finding themselves in the middle of a fight with a halloween night demon wearing only that little cloth around their hips — and they also kick it up a notch by dying their hair blue. except that they buy the wrong kind of dye and when the next day they wash their hair to get the colour off, it doesn’t go away. izzy and clary have to fix their mess with brown dye.

they are those friend that always do the craziest things you see on the internet and end up with the most aesthetic photos, like george in the middle of a parking lot with flashing lights surrounding him, sitting in a shopping cart and laughing, or simon naturally posing with his bow and arrow in front of a fantastic landscape and they become snapchat famous for these pics. izzy, alec and jace are pretty confused by this snapchat famous thing.

when simon moved in at the institute after the academy he installed a playstation in his room and most nights george is there with him, playing at 3am with snacks of all kinds surrounding them. izzy joins too sometimes but she’s not great at those games and has smashed a couple of joysticks after loosing multiple times, while clary kicks both their asses when she pops in for a game.

one night george entered simon’s room for a 3am game and instead found him with izzy, both of them half naked and in the middle of some sort of role play where izzy was calling simon “lord montgomery”. he never lets simon live that down and brings the name up in the most inappropriate moments — such as clave meetings — making simon choke on air every time. after that, though, george is very careful to knock.

simon’s pansexual and he’s a little afraid to come out to george at first, but he soon realizes he knows george and he wouldn’t turn his back on him, he wouldn’t leave. so when he does tell him he’s shaking slightly but he’s also happy and george clearly is too, he scoops simon into a tight hug and tells him he’s incredibly proud of him and reassures him he loves him no matter what, they’re brothers no matter what.

they’re not big on celebrations of birthdays or mundane holidays in general, but they do like to keep the traditions alive. both of them have been raised with no knowledge of the shadow world and they were observant of some religious and mundane holidays that shadowhunter don’t celebrate. so they like getting christmas gifts for everyone or organize parties for new year’s. they celebrate hanukah too and share other little traditions from their childhoods, like george’s family tradition of sheep’s wool-covered sweets and chocolates to find instead of eggs for easter or simon’s family tradition of taking a two day trip around spring to see the changing season and enjoy some free time, even if the trip is to the nearest town. they’re small traditions sometimes, but they like to keep the memories alive.

george becomes really good with max after that first encounter and the offer of raising him in his and simon’s drawer. he and simon often volunteer to babysit him, and rafe too afterwards, and they obviously use as bedtime stories the plot of star wars or comics, which the kids absolutely love.

sometimes when he’s stressed or tired george goes full on scottish and also switches to gaelic at times and simon is just there looking at him, torn between wanting to giggle at his usually contained behavior now unchecked and wanting to hug him and confort him. he always goes with the second, but he does love to hear george speak gaelic.

after the time at the academy when george was leading the mission to go after the faerie fruit vendors where simon got sucked into faerie he’s incredibly protective of simon in battle — or just all the time, actually. he’s thrown himself in front of simon more times than simon can count and he loves this kind of care, because of course he does the same whenever george is in danger, but it also makes him sad a lot because he knows george still feels guilty about that mission, even if nothing bad really happened, and he would do anything to make sure nothing similar ever happened again.

tag list @cordaisya @im-not-ruined-im-ruination @surrounded-by-exquisite-clutter @stxr-thxif @icycoolslushie @writeforjordelia @gabtapia @fair-childd @clarys-heosphoros @shadowhuntingdemigod (let me know if you want to be added or removed)

[torukmaktoskxawng]

tsamsiyu ta'em - paving a new path

Masterlist - part nine

Summary: Now Kayla has to get used to yet another way of life, unraveling what she had learned from the Omatikaya.

Pairing: Ronal/Tonowari/Original Female Character

Tag: #tsamsiyu ta'em fic

posted on ao3

Word Count: 5k+

Taglist (bold indicates “could not tag”): @mooniequeen @shit-i-say-shit-i-think @heart-an0n @amiets2 @slutforsmut4ever @yeosxxx​ @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @sucker4angstt @inolaphoenix @ilovechickenwings tojisleftarm andyfromku @ivysully

Warnings: canon-compliant, canon-typical violence, mature language, adult content, slow burn, polyamory, found family, cool aunt agenda, alien/human (technically avatar), jake sully sister agenda, time skips, I'm trying to hurry up and get to the good parts so bear with me, fluff, angst, adopted spider, tags to be added

A/N: Sorry for the wait! It's been a hectic couple of weeks

On Kayla's first morning in Awa'atlu, she's greeted by a beautiful sunrise.

When her eyes blink slowly open, she smiles lazily and takes a moment to watch the soft glow trying to peak above the water. That and the soft breeze flowing through the jungle was a lovely feeling to wake up to. Kayla did her best to stretch her limbs while still in her nivi, the hammock rocking ever so slightly between the two trees she attached to either end. She feels some of her joints popping and briefly forms a satisfied smile before climbing down from her makeshift perch.

The avatar had opted out of staying with her brother's family in their marui and instead found a comfortable spot deep within the jungle that sits behind the village, moving more inland so as to gain some semblance of privacy. Climbing down to a branch lower than her nivi, Kayla unstraps the bags she had tied to the trunk of the tree and rummages through her supplies, double-checking that her AR and ammunition were still there before grabbing her breakfast, a niktsyey Neytiri had made for her last night before Kayla decided to disappear into the treeline.

After quickly scarfing down her food, Kayla climbs through the various tree branches, all entwined with each other much like the ones back in the Forest. Kayla expertly runs through the bridge-like branches without much fear of the fall below, light on her feet and trusting her body to know what to do until she makes it to a certain tree, a tree with a small perch she had left her ikran to nest on. Thena looks up at the sound of footsteps approaching, already on high alert until she recognized her rider's scent. The banshee squawks in greeting while Kayla offers a small gesture of morning pets, smiling in awe as the large animal practically melts under her touch like an overgrown cat.

"Good morning," Kayla spoke softly, huffing out a small laugh when Thena nudges her whole face against her rider's side, causing her to stumble.

The blissfully quiet morning air is interrupted by a small whine from down below the treeline, growing closer and closer until Kayla could hear the content of the cries, "Auntiiiieee!"

Alert, Kayla leaves her ikran and quickly descends down the tree branches to get to the forest floor, not jumping until the very last second and landing gracefully on her feet. Straightening back up, the female avatar looks around for the source of the shouting as the foliage of the forest parts to reveal Little Tuk, beaming from ear to ear while simultaneously dragging a less-than-enthusiastic Kiri by the hand. Kayla smiles and waves them over, the oldest out of the two Sully daughters appearing as though she was guilty by association, "Sorry, Auntie. She wouldn't stop until I came with her to find you."

"Aw, my favorite girls!" Kayla exclaims, barely having enough time to brace herself before she is tackled by none other than Tuk. Both aunt and niece laugh as Kayla lifts the little girl up into her arms before turning back to the teen with a worried expression, "Kiri, shouldn't you be resting?"

"I'm fine," Kiri's small smile falls in exchange for remembering what happened yesterday, looking down, embarrassed and a little frustrated, "I'm taking it easy today."

Tuk nuzzled Kayla's face with hers, pouting, "You didn't stay with us last night."

Kayla sighs with a little bit of theatrics to tease Tuk while simultaneously winking at Kiri, "I know. I'm sorry, but your sister needed rest and I didn't wanna crowd her."

Kiri looked grateful, nodding and briefly flashing her aunt a small smile, "Thank you."

"My pleasure, sweet pea."

The girls are interrupted by a fourth party loudly clearing her throat to grab the Sullys' attention. All three heads spin around back in the direction of the village, and standing there holding back the foliage and impatiently drumming her fingers against one hip was none other than the tsahik of the Metkayina, Ronal. Kayla and the girls instantly freeze, afraid to move as if they were just caught doing something they shouldn't. 

Ronal was cross, her hard gaze firmly on Kayla with a displeased frown, jutting her chin to appear as though she was looking down on the avatar, "Late for your first day of learning, I see."

"Ah," Kayla couldn't help the small huff of nervous laughter to let out, clearing her throat but not as harshly as Ronal. Kayla sheepishly looked up at the tsahik, "I take it I'm not making a very good impression." 

She adjusts Tuk on her hip and then takes Kiri's hand in hers before following Ronal out of the jungle, heading back in the direction of the village. As they walked, Tuk talked and talked about everything she's seen and done since her family began living among the Metkayina, wanting to push out all these stories in one long breath with the fear that her aunt won't be able to hear it all.

Although despite the fact Tuk never took a breath, Kayla had noticed that the child wasn't at all bothered by it. She didn't appear to be struggling to talk and when she had finally finished rambling about her breathing lessons underwater, Tuk calmly and deeply took a breath and smiled, "When you come back from your lessons today, can I show you all my new clothes? Neteyam and Lo'ak gathered stuff for my loincloth and Kiri helped make it! She also helped Tsireya make a new top and jewelry for me! I want to find some shells and add that to my hair as well."

"That sounds like a great idea, Tuk-Tuk," Kayla smiled gently at the little girl, "Can I help you find shells later?"

"Yes, please! Tsireya can show us the best places to find good ones."

Kayla hummed thoughtfully, "I think I need to be introduced to this Tsireya. You kids are speaking high praises for this girl."

"I will introduce you." Kayla looked up and realized that it was Ronal who had spoken, the tsahik still leading the three forest girls into the village and down the walkways without ever looking back. She was clearly expecting them to follow her without a fuss and expected them to keep up. As they weave through the village, Kayla tries her best to take it all in this time now that she wasn't rushed to her next destination. She would still get occasional stares from other Metkayina, but they also stared at Kiri and Tuk, so it was fair to assume that the villagers still find Forest People strange looking. 

Kiri and Tuk eventually part from their aunt, explaining that their mother wanted them back to help tidy up the marui after they had found Kayla, so the avatar kissed both her niece's foreheads and sent them away. Kayla turned back and hastily lifted her feet to catch up to Ronal, who didn't appear to be slowing down and waiting up for her guest no matter what. The Sully woman was slightly envious of the tsahik and the Metkayina as a whole. Their legs and arms were clearly stronger and therefore did everything almost faster than that of the Omatikaya. Ronal naturally walked faster and Kayla had no doubt in her mind that the reef woman could swim faster, too, even without the help of her well-balanced tail that Kayla was adamantly and stubbornly not staring at. 

They walked in silence up until they make it to the opposite side of the village. Without looking back, Ronal simply stated, "You were hard to find. I had to ask your brother for your whereabouts."

It was clear criticism and Ronal didn't shy away from it. Kayla had to admire someone like that who didn't care about courtesies or anyone's feelings. On Earth, humans would have described the tsahik as someone who had 'zero fucks to give,' and Kayla did her very best to sound genuine as she apologized, "I'm sorry. Should you need to look for me again, I promise you'll always find me in the exact same spot. I won't move my camp unless absolutely necessary."

Ronal doesn't say another word, instead, she stubbornly kept quiet until they finally reached their destination. A row of other huts with various people walking in and out of them was looming tall over Kayla's head until she remembered where she was and forced herself to follow the tsahik into one particular hut before she could get distracted again. This pod was already full of Na'vi, each going about with their own little projects nestled in their hands. Kayla could only see the items in quick glances, but could otherwise tell that this pod was meant for the whole community to use as a place to weave, whittle, and create. Most eyes turn to the entrance of their tsahik, one of which was the same reef girl Kayla had noticed following Ronal around the night before. The girl stood and bounded over to join her mother at the entrance, smiling between her and Kayla.

Ronal extends her hand out to the girl in question while stiffly introducing her to Kayla, "My daughter, Tsireya."

Kayla flashes a beaming smile at the girl and bows her head respectfully, "Lovely to meet you. My nephew Lo'ak says you're a great teacher."

Tsireya's whole face and ears visibly perk up to one of shock and joy, her widening smile contagious as a light color begins to spread over her cheeks, "Oh! That's so sweet of him. It's a pleasure to meet you..." she sweetly scrunched her nose up and tilted her head curiously, "Do the Sully kids call you 'Auntie?'"

"Yes, but that's not my name," Kayla let out a hushed laugh under her breath, "You can call me Kayla or Makayla, I don't mind. The kids call me Auntie because where I'm from, that's how you would address the sister of either of your parents."

"I like it," Tsireya chirps, stepping forward and grasping Kayla's hand before the older woman could even blink. The young girl giddily begins to pull on her hand, leading her further into the pod, "You must sit with me and Mother. I'd love to hear about your world since Lo'ak is always excited to share with me what he knows about it."

Kayla and Tsireya kneel down side by side among the large group of Metkayina and slowly, Ronal joins them, kneeling down on the other side of the avatar. The tsahik doesn't indulge in whatever conversation her daughter has in mind for Kayla, instead, she kept to instructing Kayla on what to do, "In here you will be making your own communal plate. You can use whatever material to do so, but the most common ones are wood and tree bark. It is customary to make your own."

Kayla does as instructed, trying her best to appease Ronal while simultaneously trying to keep up with the amount of questions Tsireya had for her. The avatar tries to keep the human/Earth talk to a minimum so as to not invoke the wrath of the tsahik who is already displeased with her presence but remains cordial with certain topics Tsireya was curious about like the music and games Lo'ak would try to explain to her but never really understood it since he had never grown up with it as Kayla had. Whereas Lo'ak confused Tsireya, Kayla was better at explaining everything and the topics only fascinated the girl even further. 

"You should ask Tuk how to play 'red light, green light,'" Kayla encouraged happily, "You'd make her day if you did."

Unbeknownst to Kayla, other Metkayina were listening in on the stories of her homeworld. Some listened out of curiosity, some out of disgust, and some, like Tsireya, out of amazement. Ronal only listened, but was neither curious nor disgusted, despite the frown ever present on her lips. Kayla tried her best not to take the silent treatment to heart and instead did the task given to her while also simultaneously entertaining the tsahik's daughter. The reef girl always had another question ready to ask after Kayla had completed answering the previous one to the point Kayla could barely get a normal breath in. Because of this, the morning went by quicker than anyone anticipated. With a small inkling of disappointment, Tsireya had to part ways with Kayla per Ronal's demand for her daughter's help but promised to come and find the Sully aunt before the communal dinner later that night. Ronal barely spared Kayla a glance while instructing her to find the olo'eyktan by the beach before disappearing with Tsireya. 

A small spark of annoyance slid into Kayla's gut but she promptly stomped it down before it could make an appearance on the disappearing figures of Ronal and Tsireya. Oh, how she wanted to lecture the reef woman on simple manners and proper etiquette that would make even her own mother proudly pat her hair from beyond the grave. Instead, Kayla turned around and walked the opposite way, beelining for the beach which was not hard to find. 

Tonowari was also not hard to find, given that he clearly towers over most if not all the Metkayina and sticks out among the crowd with his various tattoos and chief adornments. Even as tall as he was, he was clearly less intimidating than his strong-willed mate, smiling and firmly nodding at nearly every passing Na'vi as he patiently waited for someone or something on the shoreline. Kayla still approached with caution, despite this, and eventually, Tonowari's gaze fell on her. Every inch of her wanted to quickly straighten her posture and salute the chief out of all the stupid thoughts running through her head. Kayla managed not to embarrass herself and instead nodded to Tonowari with a small hand gesture to the forehead, trying her best to metaphorically flush that old marine attitude down the drain. 

He nodded in return, unaware of her internal struggles while tilting his head in the direction of the ocean, "Let's get started."

They both wad out into the shallow water while Tonowari made a bunch of clinking sounds from the back of his throat. Within moments, a small wave of water comes billowing toward the pair and at the very last second swerves around them in playful circles. A cute head pokes out of the water, clicking and squeaking in excitement and curiosity. Kayla's jaw dropped as the creature continues to swim in circles around her, going just slow enough for her to finally make out the shape of it. The creature reminded her of a dinosaur she had only seen in books or movies, with a long neck, stout body, and four paddle fins instead of legs and feet. As a child, she had a brief phase where she was obsessed with the Loch Ness Monster, and seeing this creature swimming around her in the shape she could only imagine Nessie to look like only brought out that nostalgia in her. It was a creature that was full of personality, excitement always sparkling in both the bigger and smaller pairs of eyes it possessed, similar to an ikran. 

Another creature approached, answering Tonowari's call but didn't appear to be as playful or as innocent as the first one. At least four other Metkayina men had to come at their chief's command and wrangle the large beast to remain still in the water as it fought against their hold. Kayla decided to keep a distance from the creature so she, unfortunately, didn't get a good look at it as Tonowari turned back to her, "If you are going to live among us, it is vital that you learn how to ride. There are two creatures the Metkayina use for travel. The first one is the ilu," he holds his hand out in the direction of the dinosaur-like creature swimming around Kayla, "And we learn to ride these gentle creatures as soon as we're able. The other creature is more of a warrior's mount and brash. Less gentle and as strong as a storm."

He moves his arm to gesture to the animal being wrangled by a group of men. Tonowari moved out of the way so Kayla could see the webbed wings pinned to the sides of its long, scaled body. The beast also reminded her of a dinosaur, but perhaps the ancestors of a crocodile made more sense to compare. Tonowari continued the introduction, "The tsurak. If you want, you may try the tsurak as your brother did, but I do not recommend it."

Kayla's eyes widen while indicating to the creature she'll later learn is also called a skimwing, "Jake tried to ride these?"

"Yes."

"And?"

The olo'eyktan visibly cringed, "He injured himself. I told him he should start with an ilu."

A sharp gust of air escaped Kayla's lungs as she smiled to herself and shook her head in amusement, "Forgive my brother. He's a proud, overconfident skxawng."

The group of men and even the tsurak they were holding down were all startled by the deep, boisterous laugh that boomed like thunder in Kayla's ears. If she wasn't watching Tonowari, she wouldn't have guessed that was him laughing, though the sound did match the strong form of the owner. The laugh was abrupt and short, but Kayla and the other men were still surprised even after the olo'eyktan relaxed into a more slackened posture and smirk. He looked pleased as if impressed that someone had got him to laugh. With a wave of his hand, the Metkayina men release the tsurak and disperse while he helps Kayla with mounting an ilu. One push up and she managed to swing a leg over and settle onto the back comfortably as Tonowari explains.

"Ilu are intelligent, sociable creatures. You do not bond with one individual. They are meant to be ridden by the whole community and live peacefully among us."

"It's like a dolphin," Kayla states absentmindedly, startling herself out of her train of thought when she noticed the odd look on Tonowari's face. She ducks her head, "Um... it's a sea creature from my planet. The Omatikaya have community creatures as well. They share the pa'li."

He nods, "Yes, but the pa'li are more loyal and dutiful to their riders. Ilu are playful and sometimes mischievous. You'll need to constantly keep them in line as you ride, or else you'll be bucked off or pulled away from your tasks when they feel the need to play."

His hand trails down the long appendage that was the ilu's queue and held it up to her. Kayla reached behind her and slide her kuru braid over her shoulder and held the tendrils out to meet the same ends as the ilu's. The ilu wiggles underneath her and so her other hand shot out to regain balance, startling both herself and the creature. If it weren't for Tonowari keeping a firm hand on the ilu's body, the animal would've likely taken off.

"Make the bond gently. Remember to take a breath when forming tsaheylu," Tonowari encouraged, "Remember to feel what he is feeling, hear what he is hearing, and see what he is seeing. Think of where you want him to go, but take it slow. It will be hard at first. Holding onto an ilu isn't the same as an ikran."

Kayla nods and obediently takes a deep breath as tsaheylu is formed. She keeps her mind calm so as not to jostle the ilu, and in return, the sweet creature barely flinches. It makes a quiet click of curiosity, craning his neck around to nudge Kayla and the motion makes her smile. Making a quiet demand in her head, the ilu responds and slowly paddles through the water, breaking away from Tonowari and doing small, tight laps around the olo'eyktan. 

"Good," he vocalized, folding his arms and watching carefully, "But swimming with the ilu underwater is far more difficult. When submerged, they swim like lightning so you must tuck yourself close to their body or the unforgivable current will make you lose your grip and toss you around."

He drifts up to Kayla and her ilu, instructing her on where to keep her legs when they dive, "Your legs must stay tight against their sides when they go fast. If they go slow or casual, you can just let them drag you along and glide, but you must hang on tightly by the hand. If you ride an ilu without a saddle, keeping one arm around the neck for stability is also an option."

"Okay," Kayla acknowledged, adjusting her hips and legs until she feels like she was sitting on a horse back home. Tonowari pushed her knees in tighter for her then backs away, waiting for her to take off. Kayla takes a deep breath and then holds it when she instructs the ilu to dive. The creature bellows excitedly and bolts underneath the water, the ocean whipping against the avatar's face with a sharp sting when they initially dive down. Kayla keeps her eyes squinted for the most part as the ilu sprints through the water, cutting through as quickly and effectively as a knife through butter. However, one sharp and unexpected turn has Kayla tumbling off her mount, abandoned by the ilu as she's left drifting until she gets her bearings. Shaking her head from the initial rush of adrenaline, Kayla swims back up to the surface, gasping for air as she looks around, stunned by how far she had gotten.

It wasn't very far, however. If she wanted to, she could still count the number of tattoos she could visibly see on Tonowari at this distance. The ilu that betrayed her was jumping in and out of the water, clicking and ululating excitedly.

She growls in frustration, immediately clicking her tongue until the ilu comes to her, curious. Kayla makes tsaheylu and throws herself over the back of the creature, determination evident in her mind, making the ilu itself antsy under her command. She hikes herself up into a proper position and orders the ilu to dive, holding her breath when they submerge and bolt like a missile once more. 

The ilu bucks her off again, but Kayla had managed to stay on for a little longer than the last time. It still wasn't good enough. Swimming up to the surface again, the woman snarls and calls for her ride to swim back to her, getting back on without hesitation and without tsaheylu. The ilu squawks in protest until Kayla makes the bond then quiets down. Urging the creature forward, Kayla holds her breath again and leans forward as they dive, ready to go further this time. 

They go until she slips or gets bucked off, but no matter how many times she fails, Kayla keeps on coming back and continues to try again, staying firm and on-task. She was too high-strung and determined to do this one thing right, even for only a moment, even when she was beginning to grow exhausted. During one of her last runs, she had managed to stay on longer than the other attempts and even commanded the ilu to take her back to Tonowari to hear what he had to say about her results.  

He was still in the water, the ocean hanging low at his hips while he stood off to the side of one of their docks. As they swim closer, Tonowari welcomes them with praise, "Quite resilient. The ilu had only just begun to stop teasing you."

Her mouth unexpectedly falls open in shock, embarrassment creeping into her gut when the ilu makes a sound that sounds suspiciously like a laugh. Tonowari also appeared amused, but he was clearly struggling with keeping down his smirk. Kayla's ears fold back and she quickly closes her mouth, humiliated after being caught gawking like an idiot, pointedly refusing to make eye contact with her teacher. 

"I've never been much of a swimmer."

He tilts his head, "Do Sky People not have oceans where you're from?"

"We do. But we can't swim in them."

The chief doesn't ask further, expression hardening, and she was grateful for that. He hangs onto the ilu as Kayla dismounts then removes the saddle, letting the creature happily roam free before speaking, "To live out here means you have to be in the water. Whether you are hunting or gathering, the water provides all ways of life for us here."

She nods, solemn while watching the ilu disappear, "I understand. It's not my strong suit but I'll make it be." 

And to make her point, she takes the ilu saddle from Tonowari's arms and pads through the shallow water to head back to the beach and he follows easily without much effort to part the water in order to move, "Jakesully speaks highly of your fighting skills. He says you make an excellent warrior."

Kayla felt the muscles in her face twitch but was thankful the olo'eyktan was unable to see it as he walked behind her. She's quick to dissuade him, hating the idea of her brother giving their hosts the wrong impression of her, "I'm not a warrior."

Tonowari's eyebrow ridge lifts in question, "No?"

Jake's words had come back to haunt Kayla at that moment, the memory souring her mood with the same resentment she wished she could just bury for good. Her voice was low and disgusted, but she made sure that the disgust wasn't misinterpreted or directed at Tonowari when she spoke, "I'm a soldier where I'm from. There's a difference. Warriors have honor and earn respect for their loyalty. Soldiers... just follow orders. They don't speak or think for themselves. They just do what they're told without question. There's no honor in that."

The conversation leads to silence and Kayla feels guilt for speaking so heavily to someone she had only met -and a well-respected figure no less- as if they were friends. Unable to look at Tonowari, Kayla busies herself by taking the ilu saddle in her arms and hoisting it over her head and onto the dock. With her hands now free, she used her upper arm strength to lift herself up onto the dock, the water rolling down her body and departing from her for the evening. Kayla finally looks back over her shoulder to find that Tonowari was still standing in the shallow water and staring at her, but surprisingly, he didn't look indifferent. He seemed perplexed and confused like he was trying to figure out a puzzle. Kayla feels as though she was under observation or something and it made the hair on the back of her neck stand up, causing her posture to shift and her eyes to look away. She had never had the urge to read other people's minds, but for a moment she wondered what she would find in Tonowari's at that moment. The same went for Ronal, both clan leaders capable of hiding their thoughts from the world, making Kayla envious of their poker faces. Kayla has seen an indifferent individual give her judgemental looks before, but this wasn't the same. Sure, Ronal wasn't entirely thrilled with Kayla being in her village, but she also hasn't really voiced her opinions about it and had begrudgingly taught Kayla without much complaint if any. Perhaps the tsahik was equally as curious as the olo'eyktan, but she just shows it in a different way. Tonowari, however, is openly curious and also just as welcoming. He's kind and helpful, a strong leader with a good conscience on his shoulders. 

Kayla complimented the clan leaders in her head, confidently aware of how the two clearly work so well together. They work well together not only in leading their people but to make Kayla uncomfortable and paranoid as to what they might be thinking of her. She is rescued from these embarrassing thoughts, however, when Neytiri bounds up the walkway and down the end of the dock toward the pair, her father's bow in hand. 

Neytiri nods to the man beside Kayla, "Olo'eyktan. I wish to take my sister hunting."

Tonowari was likely eager to end the awkward interaction as much as Kayla, but he hid it well, firmly smiling and nodding in return, "Very well. We can stop for today."

Kayla relaxed her stance and went to bend down and take the ilu saddle, but Tonowari was quick and had taken it back before she could touch it. Looking back at him, Kayla caught the kind smile still etched in the corner of his mouth, and for added measure, he nods in the direction of Neytiri to silently see her off. Kayla forces herself to relax again and briefly nods back to the man, "Thank you."

Neytiri waits until the avatar woman joins her before tilting her head in the direction of the forest standing strong further inland, "Come, Kayla. We fly."

This time, Kayla genuinely relaxed and her smile had returned, beaming at Neytiri as if she said the best thing she had heard all day. Refusing to look back at the sparkling ocean, she bounds into the woods right beside Neytiri as they both call for their respective ikrans, taking off into the air with echoing whoops and hollers of excitement bouncing off of each other.

They hunt for the majority of the afternoon. Well, part of the afternoon, the other half was spent flying absently and just enjoying the flight together. Neytiri was eager to see just how far Kayla had gotten into hunting and flying, excited that she had someone else to do her favorite activities with other than Jake or Neteyam. It was nice for the Omatikaya woman, feeling more at home than she has in months, pretending as though she was merely hunting along the cliffsides leading back into the forest of her home, without any thought of danger or war. 

They circle the large island dozens of times, never going out over open water beyond the atoll wall. When the bright sunlight was beginning to dim and turn into a soft, gold glow, Neytiri mimics a bird call to draw Kayla's attention to her and has her sister-in-law follow her home.

Neytiri leaves almost immediately again when they return to the Sully marui, this time with Jake by her side. The parents had asked Kayla to watch the kids while they go out and enjoy time for themselves for the first time in months, since before they had left the Forest and come here. Kayla was more than happy to babysit and felt content after Jake and Neytiri made their escape, leaving the kids alone to adamantly talk the ears off of their aunt, gathered around the small hearth in their home as Tuk shows off her new clothes. 

"So how was your first day?" Kiri asked while tilting her head with curiosity.

Kayla shrugged while absently polishing up the final details of the dinner plate she had made earlier that day, "I think it went okay. Tsireya is very sweet and polite. I can see why you kids admire her. The olo'eyktan is more of the same. Kind and respectable. I see where his daughter gets it. Not sure about the tsahik yet. She's a bit headstrong and... standoffish?"

Lo'ak scoffs, rolling his eyes irritably, "That's where Ao'nung gets it."

"Ao'nung?" Kayla plays the name on her tongue, "Don't think I met them yet."

Neteyam nods, "Ao'nung is the son, their firstborn."

Tuk crosses her arms and pouts, "He's mean."

Neteyam spun to his baby sister, ready to lecture her, "Tuk--"

"And he left Lo'ak alone."

The whole group grows quiet, wincing when Kayla pointedly looked at each and every one of them, her ears lowering with concern when her eyes finally land on Lo'ak, "What does that mean?"

The kid in question nervously chuckles, running an anxious hand over the back of his neck, "I, uh... I hit Ao'nung in the face once."

A single eyebrow rises up Kayla's forehead, doubtful, "Once?"

"Okay. Multiple times."

"Lo'ak..."

"He was picking on Kiri! That's all he ever did right up until the fight," when Kayla briefly looked over to Kiri for confirmation, the teenage girl simply nods with an unpleasant frown. She stubbornly looks down at the fire without ever meeting anyone else's gaze. When Kayla turned back to Lo'ak, the boy shied away from her eyes, shrugging, "I just wanted him to know what happens when he decides to pick on a bunch of 'freaks' like us."

The word rings in her ears until Kayla visibly cringed, hissing quietly between her clenched teeth. Sadly staring down into her lap while processing the idea of someone purposely going out of their way to hurt her nieces and nephews, Kayla brings herself to feel resigned so Lo'ak doesn't have to constantly feel like he was under scrutiny with every adult he talks to. Kayla takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, nodding, "... Alright. So what happened after the fight?"

Lo'ak's fast and angry pants began to settle, doubling down on his anger and relaxing when he realized Kayla wasn't trying to lecture him. Putting his guard down, Lo'ak lowered his head and mumbled the rest of the story, "I tried to apologize and stupidly followed Ao'nung and his friends outside the reef... even though I knew I wasn't supposed to do that."

Neteyam snarled softly while nudging his little brother in the elbow, "The skxawng got himself... what is it called when one person is initiated into a group by doing something alone and stupid? You said it usually happens to Earth children when going into... college?"

Kayla's eyes narrow as she scrounges for the right word in her head, "Hazing?"

"Yeah, it was kind of like that. Lo'ak was hunting for fish one second and then the next he was alone. They left him."

The aunt bit her lip, her expression one of pity while leaning over and patting Lo'ak's wrist in comfort, "That sounds terrible. I'm happy you're safe, Lo'ak. I bet you gave your parents quite the scare."

He shook his head, "They were more mad at me than scared."

That familiar cold and resentful feeling returned in her chest, a harsh reminder that Lo'ak's parents weren't just any normal parents, and his father just so happened to be the brother Kayla was forced to live with. Without trying to jump to conclusions, she carefully questioned her nephew, "What do you mean?"

"I took the blame because I figured that's how I'd get Ao'nung to be my friend."

"... I guess that's one way to do it. So your parents got mad because you took the blame?"

He shook his head again and let out a quiet, breathy laugh as if he was still in disbelief, "I think they actually believe it was my fault we were out there in the first place."

Neteyam quickly cut in, firmly gripping his brother's shoulder, "No, it was my fault. I should have been with you--"

"Neteyam," the oldest spun his head to look in his aunt's direction, his braids, and beads noisily following the motion. Kayla sternly shook her head at him, "No. You can't be in two places at once. I think even your eggheaded father should realize that."

Looking around at her nieces and nephews, she levels them all with a stern, knowing glare, "No one is perfect, kids. Just remember that if someone tries to make you live up to perfection next time."

Lo'ak scoffs, though a small, playful smirk became more prominent on his face as his eyes shine at her with mirth, "Kind of like how no one should expect you to get ilu riding down right away?"

Kayla threw her head back to stare up at the ceiling with a groan of frustration, wincing with embarrassment, "You saw that?"

"Maybe," he laughed, "You ate that, Auntie."

"Kid. I'm going to give you one chance and one chance only to never use Earth slang on me ever again."

A/N: Again, I'm very sorry for the wait. Summer had gotten way busier than I thought it was going to be. Please leave a request if you want and in terms of this fic, I try to post new chapters every or every other week and usually before the weekend so keep an eye out. Have a good one!

[i-want-my-iwtv]

Greetings! I have been following these novels for many years and there is something that makes me uneasy about other fans and not so fans.

What do you think that in 2021 there are still people who deny homosexual romantic relationships in VC?

It always amazed me that this aspect of the story was in doubt for some, even when Loustat (and others) exists.

The worst thing is that this doesn't happen with straight ships like Lestat / Akasha, there are no crazy arguments or doubts about the "romantic attraction" between them, is extremely hypocritical. I know the author is also responsible for the confusion due to her past actions, but the source material should speak for itself...

valid thought or simple homophobia in disguise? Will the new television series clear up the doubts?

Sorry to ask anonymously but internet discussions scare me 🙇‍♀️

Hello!

I have to say right at the start that you're right that internet discussions can get scary, and your being on Anon could be bait for an argument. I talked this over with @monstersinthecosmos and others, and I’m going to respond as if this is a good faith question, for the sake of other ppl who might be too shy to ask. 

Short answer: Have your own opinions. Even the author can't tell you what to think. If you want to find others who share your opinion, hopefully they're out there. Go to the #vampire chronicles tag. Find ppl through fanfic/fanart/etc. of ships you like and strike up a conversation!

I tried to be brief below but a novel-length essay could be written in response to this. I don’t presume to be the authority on anything, I’m a fandom old, and this blog is generally about reducing stress, considering different perspectives, Ship and Let Ship, promoting fanworks and enjoying each other’s company as it relates to this book series, and other non-VC things that catch my eye. I’m not a paid spokesperson for Anne Rice or anyone else. BUT, I do think that the author’s comments are relevant at times, so I’ll be including some from her.

I’ll also tag @annabellioncourt and @gothiccharmschool, if they would like to weigh in on any of this. (These two, and @monstersinthecosmos, are also welcome to edit my post for length if they would like to do so, if you want to edit my post, please ask permission privately first, off anon).

OK now for the long answer. THIS GOT LENGTHY. Get a drink and settle in. Or scroll past. 

Trigger warnings for talking about homophobia and “gal pals” meme later on.

(Hit the jump for this, cut for length.)

I have been following these novels for many years and there is something that makes me uneasy about other fans and not so fans.

If your impression is that there is evidence of homosexual romantic relationships, I agree with you! Perhaps it’s more complicated than that (other terminology like pansexuality, bisexuality, etc.), but still, I don’t think that validates us as “real” fans. Ppl disagree about books and characters all the time. We have a very contentious character (who shall not be named)(and there’s really more than one, let’s be honest) who some readers absolutely adore and make fanart/fanfic/meta of, and who other readers absolutely detest with such a passion I wonder if they don’t get pleasure from just hating them. Holding a certain opinion about a character or the story doesn’t disqualify you as being a fan, IMO. I might not personally want to interact with someone for my own reasons, but that’s a personal preference, which we can all have.

What do you think that in 2021 there are still people who deny homosexual romantic relationships in VC? It always amazed me that this aspect of the story was in doubt for some, even when Loustat (and others) exists.

I think that in 2021 there are still people who doubt/deny homosexual romantic relationships in real life. For a lot of reasons. For VC:

A lot of more mainstream/casual fans only saw the movies, so their experience might be influenced by the movies, in which Lestat/Jesse and Lestat/Akasha is a legit ship, and his turning at the hands of [REDACTED MALE CHARACTER] was non-consensual.

Or these mainstream/casual fans read the books a really long time ago, and don’t remember them well, the first few of these books are 30-46 yrs old

Adding on to #2, some writers, possibly including Anne Rice, had limitations. She had editors back then, and listened to them.

The lack of explicit penetrative sex scenes for the vampires in canon (or it’s just not very pleasurable, see Pandora...). If you require that for a relationship to be a real homosexual romantic relationship, you’re possibly being aphobic, though; ace relationships exist as well.

Adding on to #4, she was capable of writing explicitly sexual books, but she did it under a pseudonym “A.N. Roquelaure” between 1983-2015, 3/4 of them published between ‘83-85. 

On including sex scenes, please read this bc ppl need to know that she had this experience bc of her sex scenes, Cry to Heaven was published in 1982, preceding TVL (1985):

BTW, just gonna leave this here re: Anne’s opinion of movie!QOTD, and I include it not to trample anyone who enjoyed it, so I’m sorry for that in advance, but I want to show that she didn’t buy into the changes they made to the original story:

To add on to #4, Anne has said her vampire characters do not have sexual relations with each other or with humans (although there are scenes where they simulate it as much as possible). Sorry these are such low-res old screencaps, I couldn’t find the original posts again to make a new ones:

I’d also say that Anne did come up with her own ideas about their physiology and origins, and I think she made the choice that they don’t have sex as yet another pleasurable thing (sunlight, food, wine) that her characters have to GIVE UP in order to have immortality. She implies that blood sharing is more intimate anyway. 

But since we are talking about VC specifically, I would say that movie!IWTV went as far as it could to show Lestat/Louis were in a real romantic relationship given the limitations of that time period in 1994. I would hope that we can do better now.

The worst thing is that this doesn't happen with straight ships like Lestat / Akasha, there are no crazy arguments or doubts about the "romantic attraction" between them, is extremely hypocritical. 

I haven't seen arguments doubting the romantic attraction between Lestat/Akasha, which might very well exist and I just haven't seen them, but according to Anne Rice, Lestat is bisexual (for all we know, Akasha may be bisexual, too, being married to a man does not prove an orientation). So that could be biphobic/panphobic to say that his being in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender is purely straight. There’s probably a whole discussion that could be had over the term “romantic attraction,” as well. Ppl can be attracted to ppl, without it being a complete relationship.

My opinion about Lestat/Akasha is that it was an abusive relationship, where she kidnapped him, kept him drugged and sleep-deprived, and love bombed him like a narcissist would, when she wasn’t threatening to hurt/kill his loved ones. It was portrayed in movie!QOTD as loving, I suppose, but that kind of manipulative relationship can look loving on the outside. From my reading, he was notably stressed at the big meeting with the coven, trying to broker a peace that would keep her from killing any of them.

As far as no one arguing about it, there is some fanart of Lestat/Akasha, but that’s to be expected from the QOTD movie, and bc ppl are fans of Aaliyah and Stuart Townsend. 

I know the author is also responsible for the confusion due to her past actions, but the source material should speak for itself...

I think Anne Rice has always confirmed that her ships are not straight, and that fans SHOULD let the source material speak for itself:

She has also supported gay marriage rights, here’s one example:

And I think for some readers, the source material does speak for itself. There were hundreds of comments on this one post, but I chose 2 for brevity. 

valid thought or simple homophobia in disguise? 

I don’t think it’s necessarily homophobia when ppl say Lestat is straight when he’s with Akasha or in movie!QOTD, it’s their own interpretation. It’s certainly possible to ship Lestat/Akasha (or any other straight ship in VC) and NOT be homophobic. It’s also possible to be both a Lestat/Akasha and Louis/Lestat shipper:

Will the new television series clear up the doubts?

Probably not! If ppl aren’t buying it from canon or from the author herself, they’re going to keep shipping what they like. Even having explicit sex scenes isn’t enough to convince some ppl.

Whether or not they’re believable in the slightest, there are articles about “2 men can have sex and not be gay” online, and there’s the old meme:

Even being married and/or co-parenting/having a child isn’t enough.

^Just Gals being Pals (from the webcomic Book of Adam) by Adam ElIis @adamtotscomix

I haven’t read these but it was easy to find them:

I’m sorry I can’t end it on a hugely positive note, there’s too many landmines to step on. I’ll put this here again:

Short answer: Have your own opinions. Even the author can't tell you what to think. If you want to find others who share your opinion, hopefully they're out there. Go to the #vampire chronicles tag. Find ppl through fanfic/fanart/etc. of ships you like and strike up a conversation!

[kikis-writing-world]

Flags and Labels

Part of Writer Wednesday by @flightlessangelwings​ & @autumnleaves1991-blog

Pairing: Modern AU, pan!Din Djarin x Bi!Reader (GN, no pronouns, no Y/N)

Word Count: >2k

Rating/Warnings: Mentions of a religious upbringing and trauma from that past. Essentially Din grew up in “The Children of the Watch” and was very sheltered, but is now exploring the real world. If I’m missing anything else I should tag in this vein, please let me know.

pride  /  “Kiss me again, like you mean it.”

You smiled brightly at Din as he gazed around, a look of wonder on his face. The street was alive with colour. Walls, windows, fences, parking meters: Everywhere you looked were multicoloured flags of every kind, representing the various people taking to the streets to celebrate their freedom to be who they are. The people themselves in the streets were just as colourful. They sported flags and bright colours and all kinds of eccentric accessories, showcasing who they’re proud to be. The joy in the air was palpable, contagious even.

You had been friends with Din for nearly two years now, the two of you having met at the local library. He always took out such interesting books on a variety of subjects, both fiction and non-fiction, and shortly after becoming acquainted with him you found out why. He had grown up in a very strict religious sect - some would go so far to describe them as a cult - and had been sheltered from many things until his early adulthood. When he became comfortable with you, he had just as many questions for you about the “real world” as you had about his past.

One topic that had come up as you two talked about Din’s past was his sexuality. He had known from a young age that something was different. His religion had been strict about heterosexual couples being the only way, shunning all other types of love. You happily helped him find books and resources he could look into, to further explore his feelings. You also opened up, sharing your own personal journey and experiences as you came to terms with your bisexuality.

When you suggested taking Din to this year’s pride, he was both nervous and excited. He still wasn’t a fan of large crowds, a side effect of his upbringing. He also didn’t know what to expect when he got there. With some research and reassurance from you that you wouldn’t leave his side, he agreed. You were so glad he did now that you were watching him take it all in. 

“All these people…” Din trailed off, losing his voice.

“They all support love.” You finished the thought. “Regardless of labels, they all just wanna be who they are, love who they want. There’s always some protesters, but whatever, don’t pay them any mind. We outnumber them.” You chuckled.

“I had no idea this was out here, all this time.” He breathed.

You had to bite your lip to keep your own emotions in check. The look of awe, the unshed tears in his eyes. You felt drawn to the sweet, quiet man like a moth to a flame. You’d been falling for him for months, the embers of your crush only stoked when he opened up about his sexuality and yes, you were in his spectrum. The glimmer of hope that he might be attracted to you dangled in front of you like a feathered cat toy… but you just couldn’t risk it. He had opened up to you, come to you for guidance and a shoulder to cry on. You felt guilty taking that away from him if you pushed that line too far. You’d crush on him silently while remaining a pillar of support.

“C’mon,” you wrapped your hand around his forearm - a safer place than taking his hand or feeling the enticing muscle hidden under the sleeve of his t-shirt - “let’s dive in.”

You watched Din carefully as you two walked the streets and took in all the sights. You wanted to know if he was getting overwhelmed or uncomfortable, but he took it all in stride. He had lots of questions about the performing drag queens, and not all that you could answer yourself. You laughed heartily at the look on his face when one queen draped her boa over his shoulders with a shimmy. 

There were people doing tarot readings, which while he seemed intrigued about, didn’t want to miss anything else by waiting in the long line. You shared a rainbow coloured ice cream sundae which turned your tongue different colours as you went, both of you laughing as you stuck your tongue out periodically - you forced yourself not to think about how the flavors would taste on his tongue every time it came out a different colour.

You made a point to stop at some information booths for local groups, picking up flyers for Din to look over later. Sports teams, choirs, friendship/support groups; Din was absolutely shocked to find there were arms of religion that not only accepted but supported LGBTQ+ rights. You knew he was struggling with reconciling his religious teachings with the “real world” and thought maybe these groups might be able to help navigate it more than you could with your limited experience.

A face painting booth caught your eye and you dragged Din over, not that he was putting up much of a fight. There were a few people doing the face painting, some clearly artists who would do a full-face of whatever you requested, but also there were some that were simply painting pride flags on cheeks for the price of a donation to a local queer youth shelter.

You and Din looked over the board they had set up of different flags, all that you had seen throughout the day as you explored.

Dropping some money into the bucket, you sat on the stool and asked for a bisexuality flag. Din stood by and watched as the artist painted. You kept quiet, not wanting to cause them to mess up.

“Well? What do you think?” You prompted when they were done.

“It looks nice.” Din nodded.

“Did you want one too?” The artist asked, looking Din’s way.

You looked over to Din, smiling as you waited for him to answer. As comfortable as he’d grown in your time walking around and meeting new people, you didn’t know if he was ready to wear anything pride related. It was his call, but you looked as encouraging as you could.

“Um, can I get this one?” He asked, pointing at the Pansexuality flag. Your heart soared for him. It wasn’t exactly a declaration of finding the right label, but feeling comfortable enough to display the flag on his cheek was definitely progress.

“Of course!” They answered, gesturing for Din to sit in the stool as they got the right colours ready. As he sat, you gave his shoulder a squeeze. He looked up at you with a soft smile, eyes shining with excitement.

“Have you ever had your face painted before?” You questioned, realizing that it probably wasn’t the kind of thing he’d grown up with.

“I don’t think so.” He shrugged.

“Oh, it’s been a while since I had a virgin.” The artist teased with a wink, making you laugh as Din blushed bright red. You ran your hand across his shoulders to soothe him through the embarrassment, although all it did was make your own face flush as you felt the firm muscles twitch under his shirt.

“All done!” It took the artist only a few moments to swipe the three colours evenly along his cheek. They lifted a handheld mirror so Din could see for himself. He nodded his approval with a quiet thanks, adding some more money into the collection bucket.

“C’mere, let’s get into the sun for a picture!” You suggested as you skipped ahead of him. He followed, grinning at your excitement as you found the perfect spot and opened up your camera.

He leaned over you, head nearly resting on your shoulder as you started snapping selfies. Happy ones, goofy ones, serious ones. Your thumb automatically tapped every few seconds as the two of you made different faces. When Din pressed his lips to your cheek, the picture captured every ounce of surprise you felt.

“Thanks for bringing me here.” Din smiled as you tucked your phone away, trying to hide your burning face.

“Y-yeah. I’m glad you enjoyed it.” You stuttered, picking at some non-existent lint on your shirt.

“Did I do something wrong?” The flatness in Din’s voice made your head shoot up. He was frowning, the excitement of the day all but vanished from his expression.

“No. W-W-Why… Why would you think that?” You shook your head, internally cursing yourself for the reaction you had to a simple, friendly kiss.

“I kissed you, and you…” He trailed off, gesturing at you in lieu of verbalizing his thoughts. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No, Din. Don’t apologize-”

“I’ve been trying to tell you for a while now-”

The two of you began speaking at once, only to both pause when you realized the other was talking.

“Trying to tell me what?” You asked, feeling that familiar heat rising up your neck into your cheeks.

“I… I like you… more than just friends…” Din admitted, looking down and kicking at a rock on the ground. “I guess today just… made me feel… brave.”

“Really?” You squeaked, voice malfunctioning as you fought to keep your body under control. You wanted to jump, sing, cartwheel, hell you would fly if you had the ability.

“You don’t have to like me back. I don’t want it to change anything.” Din continued, still focussed on the rock.

You tucked your hand under his chin, forcing him to look up and see with his own eyes how you felt about his confession. His eyes widened a fraction when he took in the wide smile you wore ear to ear.

“I definitely like you back.” You confirmed. “And you are one of the bravest people I know.”

A sigh of relief gave way to a matching smile on Din’s face, the two of you smiling at each other widely, neither sure what to say next.

“Din?”

“Yeah?”

“Kiss me again, like you mean it.”

The only regret the two of you held from your first real kiss was the smudged flags on your cheeks.

Tagging @wickedfrsgrl​ @din-damn-djarin​ @seasonschange-butpeopledont​ @kesskirata​ @phoenixhalliwell​ @vonschweetz​ @insideafictionaluniverse​ @driedgreentomatoes​ @computeringturtle​ @spideysimpossiblegirl​

[loving-all-for-loki]

Voiceless Love Chapter 9: Reunited

Loki’s Route

Loki x reader

Word count: 2154

Warnings: fluff, smut (keep it wrapped, boys and girls), more fluff, 

Tag List: @the-mean-pansexual @daddysfavoritesexkitten @zizzlekwum @caffeineoverloadandstudying @lokiyoulittle @magicalpieex @buckylokisimp

A/N: Hey everyone, I’m really sorry for how late this post is, but my family all got covid and I've been having a hard time with my depression so it took a lot out of me to write this especially since it’s a happy fluff piece and I feel like crap. The next chapter will be better, I promise.

Loki steps into the hallway, looking around and seeing no one. For the god of lies and mischief, he can’t tell if someone is playing a trick on him. He checks every corner of the castle and no one is chasing him down. Quickly, Loki rushes to his old room and changes into his everyday clothes. He looks at himself in the mirror, seeing how disheveled he looks in his clothes. Using his magic, Loki cleans himself up to look more presentable.

Nothing new has happened in the last four months. The castle looks the same, the same attendants are walking around. No one is batting an eye at him walking freely in the hallways. It’s as if Loki never left or was never imprisoned. Nothing distracts him, though. There is only one thing on his mind.

He walks straight to the Bifrost without stopping. Heimdall gives him a shocked look, but shakes it off when Loki asks to go to Earth. There’s no surprise to his request. Heimdall opens the bifrost and he is sure enough on Earth. Loki stands at the end of the hangar, looking into the glass windows on the tower. There’s no sight of you, but Steve and Nat are perched on the couch. 

Steve looks over during mid sentence as sees Loki. He’s not sure at first if he’s real or some weird trick being played, but as soon as he sees Loki bow his head, there’s no doubt. Nat quickly turns around once realizing Steve is no longer paying attention to her words. She sees Loki too and stands up, heading straight for your door. She opens it to see you and Bucky reading together, his arm around your waist, and knows this news is going to kill him.

“Y/N,” she gently speaks.

You look up from your book at Nat whose eyes are hard to decipher. There’s a little fear, yet excitement. Hope. Sorrow. You’re not sure what to make out of it and neither does Bucky. He doesn’t know if he should be worried or not. Nat wouldn’t even look at him.

“There’s someone here you need to see.”

You and the soldier get up immediately and follow Nat to the living space. Steve is standing as well as Tony, Thor, Clint, and Sam who are walking in. Looking around, everyone is staring at you with big smiles. You’re not sure what is going on until something shiny catches your eye off in the distance. 

Loki gives you a large warm smile as you see him. He watches your face light up, grabbing onto Bucky’s sleeve and pulling. You sprint down the bridge and jump into Loki who has his arms open wide. He chuckles as he falls backwards, swinging you around from the waist. You laugh so hard as he sets you down and holds your head in his hands. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you two stand there for a couple of minutes just staring at one another with big grins on your face until Loki moves in close to kiss you. 

Like a man finding water after crawling through the desert, you feel rejuvenated. His lips on yours was a feeling you were too deprived of. His sweetness. The softness. The tenderness. The way he wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you into his body. It all feels perfect and right and whole again.

The team all staring at you two holding each other and smiling. Thor has never seen his brother so happy before, looking at you like nothing else matters. Loki’s eyes light up when they see you and there’s nothing in his brain but you. He has seen Loki with the other asgardian girls when he was coming of age, noticing them more and vice versa. He would entertain their flirting and often flirt back, but he was never interested. As soon as the girls would move on, he’d be back to his normal self: reading with a pissed off expression on his face.

But when he looks at you, nothing else matters. Holding you in his arms is the thing he’s been longing for. Loki kisses you again, holding your jaw and lifting you to him.

“Oh, how I have missed this,” he coos.

“I missed you more.”

“I don’t think that’s possible,” he laughs.

He holds you tight again before taking your hand in his. He walks down the hangar to the door where everyone is smiling. There’s no doubt Bucky is dying inside, watching you with Loki once again, leaving him. Yet, there is a large smile across his face without any pain being hidden inside. He can’t lie to himself that as much it hurts to see you with Loki again, you were happy with him, truly happy. There was a point he knew that no matter how hard he tried, your heart would always be with Loki.

“How are you?” Steve whispers.

“Fine,” he states.

“Is this going to be rough? Having Loki back?”

“It will, but I know they belong together. I’ll accept it someday.”

Steve nods looking at Bucky. There is no pain behind his eyes, no sorrow behind his smile. He looks back at you and Loki who are hanging on each other’s arms like a lost puppy and a kind human.

“I do need to borrow Y/N for a moment, so please excuse us as we catch up,” Loki pardons.

He pulls your hand in the direction of his room and everyone rolls their eyes, fully well knowing what’s going to happen. As soon as the door shuts behind you, Loki pins you against the door and starts attacking your mouth with his. You giggle at how he grabs your waist and pulls you close to him, as if you can’t be any closer. He places his hands on your ass and hoists you up, wrapping your legs around him. 

You hear him turn around before he breaks the kiss and throws you on the bed. You giggle as you bounce a little, laying in the untouched bed. Loki smiles above you as he snaps his fingers and makes both of your clothes disappear. You cover yourself, shocked by the sudden nudity. He climbs over you, taking in the sight of your body as he does, and kisses you again, but this time it’s slow and passionate.

“Oh, how I’ve waited for this.”

He captures your lips again.

“Oh, how I’ve missed you.”

Loki leans down and leaves pecks on your neck, going downwards to between your breasts. You let out an airy moan as he lightly bites on your supple skin. Then, you feel a deeper clench as he sucks above your nipple, leaving a deep purple hickey. He looks down at his work and smiles proudly.

“I’ve waited so long to make you mine, little one. Now, I’m never letting you go.”

“I’ll never leave.”

He groans at your words before kissing you again and humping into you. Loki takes your hand in his and places it on his hard erection. You keep kissing as you slowly move your hand up and down his shaft. He lets go a moan in your mouth, making you buckle your hips up from the arousal and vibrations. Loki leans back and chuckles at your plea, taking his cock and lining it up between your folds.

“You ready, darling?”

You nod your head enthusiastically. Loki slowly enters you, letting you adjust to his size and he sinks in. You’ve had your share of boyfriends and a one night stand here and there, but nothing compares to his size. He is a god after all. There’s a slight pain as he enters, stretching you around his length. He stops every so often and lets you adjust before going balls deep. You reach out and holds his bicep to keep you centered. Breathing heavily, you give him the go to start moving. There’s nothing rough about Loki. He doesn’t pull out and slam back into you, but he moves at a slow agonizing pace.

“I want to make love to you, little one. I want to cherish this.”

He leans down and wraps his arms around you, slowly thrusting in. You wrap your arms around his neck as he leans in for a passionate kiss. It’s slow and sweet. He nips on your lower lip a little, making you giggle. He smiles at the sound of you, enjoying him and his body. He’s quite proud of himself and the way he can make you come undone around him.

After a little bit, you feel the orgasm making its way through you. It’s breathtaking as you cum all over his cock. You feel as if you’re floating on a cloud in heaven. As you lean into him, Loki attaches himself to one of your nipples, slightly biting and sucking on it. The sensation of his tongue against you adds to the orgasm, making it sweeter and more intimate.

Loki staggers in his speed and goes a little faster. You can tell he’s close at the way he staggers and is inconsistent. He lets out a loud deep groan as he cums inside of you. His fingers dig into your skin deeper, leaving marks on your lower back. He falls on top of you panting and holding you closer. You take in a deep breath and wrap your arms around him before he leans up and looks at you.

His hair is plastered to his face from his sweat. He smiles down with the sweetest grin you have ever seen. Pushing a piece of your hair to the side, he leans down and kisses you deeply, not letting go of his hold on you.

“I have waited so long for that.”

“So have I.”

-

You wake up the next morning with an ache and sticky feeling between your thighs. A second  passes as you wonder what happened, but you feel something rustle behind you. Loki grabs onto you, pulling you closer to him, and nuzzling his nose in your neck. His body next to yours reminds you it wasn’t a dream. He is actually there with you. You lean in closer to his touch.

“Goodmorning,” you whisper.

You can’t make out what he says, but Loki mumbles into your neck, making you giggle. Your turn around to face him and he gives you an unhappy look.

“What’s that face for?” you laugh.

“You keep moving.”

“Sorry, I wanted to see you. It’s been too long so I’m taking advantage.”

He gives you a weak smile, “Oh darling, you don’t have to explain. After all, you weren’t the one in prison.”

“I felt like I was.”

Loki tucks a strand of your haid behind your ear as he gazes into your eyes.

“You really are beautiful.”

There’s a moment where you two stare into each other's eyes lovingly. He holds your jaw in his hand, stroking your cheek with his thumb. You’ve never thought about it before, but you just now notice how blue his eyes are. They’re piercing like the sky on a warm summer’s day. Loki smiles at the way you lose yourself in thought.

“What is going through your little head?”

“Your eyes.”

He chuckles before adjusting himself so he is closer to you, “Is that all?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, little one, have I ever told you about my species?”

“Like… being asgardian?”

“No, I was adopted, actually. I am originally from Jotunheim, or Utgard. I don’t remember it, being that I was a baby when it was destroyed, but I heard it was beautiful. Well, Jotunheim was home to the giant gods, which is what I am. My father enchanted me, if you will, to look like other Asgardians so no one would know I was adopted. He and Frigga passed me as one of their own for a long time, until I found out. Well, my eyes are not the blue-est part of me. My skin is actually the most blue part of me.”

“Can you show me?” Loki looks around for a moment to make sure no one is peeking at them through the door. He closes his eyes and focuses really hard. All of a sudden, his skin starts turning into an icy pale blue, brighter than anything you’ve seen. When he opens his eyes, they no longer look as striking as they did.

You run your fingers along his skin which is significantly colder than it was moments ago, shocking you a little. Loki’s eyes wander your face for any sign of fear or hesitance, but all he sees is loving wonder. How could anyone love him when he looks like a freak? A monster? Different from everyone else and the girl who is scared to speak to people loves him. 

“Normally people run out… screaming, but you-”

“I thought I’ve proved myself different,” you say.

“You have. You’ve proved yourself very different… and I love that.”

[cryptid-called-ash]

I posted 844 times in 2021

111 posts created (13%)

733 posts reblogged (87%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 6.6 posts.

I added 304 tags in 2021

#the dragonbon's favour - 99 posts

#demongodau - 37 posts

#oc: breyth alarenzin septim - 30 posts

#miraak - 26 posts

#the last dragonborn - 26 posts

#ldb - 25 posts

#the first dragonborn - 17 posts

#detective void - 16 posts

#alduin - 14 posts

#skyrim - 14 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#series of increasingly ridiculous happenings centred around the pen draig twins roughly coalesced into a maddening but mostly tangible plot

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

*HC that dragonborns experience dysphoria because their souls don’t match their bodies* feat. double dovahkiin and tried dragon dad

“Miraak?” The first dragonborn looks up from the book he’s reading, Deathbrand, to glance at Breyth. The youngest dragonborn sits at the base of a tree, etching the blade of a newly forged nordic sword with dragon words. 

“Yes, zeymah?” the youth taps his fingers against the blade, chewing on his lip. He’s clearly got things on his mind.

“Do you feel… wrong somehow? Or is that just me?” Miraak pauses, fully turning to face his baby brother. 

“What do you mean?” the ex-champion of Hermaeus Mora asks. The last dragonborn fidgets and sheaths the half etched sword. He ruffles his hair, pulling out the tie and fixing his ponytail.

“It’s just… I don’t feel right.” Breyth slumps against the base of the large oak, waving his hands. Miraak nods, brushing a platinum blonde curl out of his eyes. 

“Yeah I’ve felt that before. You know intrinsically that inside, something isn’t right.” Breyth nods, turquoise eyes brimming with life, slit pupils blown wide with relief that he wasn’t crazy. 

“Vogevoth.” the deep rumble of the world-eater’s voice draws their attention. The gigantic black dragon touches down near the tree where the boys sit. Breyth jumps to his feet, as does Miraak. 

“Vogevoth? I don’t know that word.” the youngest dovah tilts his head. Alduin settles on the grass. 

Miraak briefly wonders if it’s a good idea to rest so close to a road, but Breyth had said very few travellers venture this close to Lake Ilinalta aside from a few hunters and bandits. Nothing they couldn’t handle.

“Disconnect.” Alduin continues. “Your souls do not match the bodies they inhabit.”

48 notes • Posted 2021-07-31 23:12:35 GMT

#4

also not canon to DB’s favour but i got to thinking

so the fight between miraak and vahlok sundered solsthiem right? 

so reasonable, the two dragonborns duking it out would be so much worse.

what if, the fight in apocrypha is so destructive that Mora has to cast both dragonborns back to Nirn in order the preserve his realm. 

imagine the other daedra speaking in hushed whispers of a battle between dragons that nearly torn apocrypha apart.

just imagine

73 notes • Posted 2021-09-30 01:40:12 GMT

#3

sometimes a family is a half-dragon demi-god, an ex-daedric champion, the reincarnation of a legendary saint, the world-eater, a far-seer child they found in Rokistead and all the dragons they met along the way.

Breyth Alarenzin Septim, on his found family.

75 notes • Posted 2021-07-14 00:25:46 GMT

#2

Skyrim sexuality head cannons for pride month

Breyth Alarenzin Septim(ldb)- aro/ace, true love is his sword Akmirra

Mirrak- bisexual and a bit of a slut tbh, he missed people and is making up for it

Teldreyn Sero- pansexual

Cassius Alarezin(hok)- gay

Martin Septim- biromatic demisexual

Cicero- asexual, he and Breyth have an aro/ace club with Babette and Alduin

Erik- he’s bisexual and a total himbo

Lydia- demisexual trans woman

Serana Volkihar- the best damn lesbian friend you ever did met

all dragons are cannon aro/ace

bonus: all dragonborns experience a level of dysphoria due to their dragon souls. the more awakened as a dragon you are, the worse the dysphoria gets. 

double bonus: skooma lets you temporally shift into a full on dovah. you take a hit of skooma and use dragon aspect, takes about an hour to wear off

139 notes • Posted 2021-06-12 18:17:56 GMT

#1

can we talk about how funny Nerevarine Teldryn is?

like imagine him not telling the dragonborn, keeping it as his closest guarded secret. but also the dragonborn not telling Teldryn about themselves either. 

picture the db using a healing spell ever time they absorb a soul so it doesn’t look sus.

imagine them going to Neloth and him being all “well if it’s not the last dragonborn and the nerevarine.” and they look at each other like 

204 notes • Posted 2021-06-28 22:48:45 GMT

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