#i shouldn't have to change myself or push my own boundaries for other people

[belladonnafleur]

🛏️

[merchantarthurn]

it's funny that 2/3 of the companions i ship astarion (the 3 being halsin, wyll and karlach) with are people who are objectively just lovely, selfless people but in a way that's just... too far. both in their own ways don't acknowledge they give/have given too much away for the good of others and a big part of the healing they need is setting even a single limit on what's "too far".

(under the cut cos it got long but this is more a ramble about character dynamics than romantic stuff so please enjoy even if you don't care for the 'ship' aspect. ive also got a LOT to say about karlach but i don't here im sorry i love her so much pls--)

wyll's willing to give his immortal soul (TWICE) for the sake of a city and father that turned his back on him with barely a moment to reflect on the unfairness to himself (at least in a 'and that's why it shouldn't be expected of me' way, anyway). halsin's given a hundred years of devoted research to the shadowcursed lands and cut himself off from deeper connections in order to remain committed to lifting the curse, not the mention the way he skirts around really acknowledging his trauma from the Underdark as a trauma instead of just a Fun Halsin Fact!TM

now... like all relationships between companions this is a compelling area without any romantic undertones, this is more what's driving my interest in the ships at all, but i find the above level of self-sacrifice really interesting in contrast to astarion. similarly, setting boundaries doesn't initially come naturally to him - he's not in the practice of being able to say no, and getting through the 'disgust' is something he tries to handwave as worth it for the rewards. but when in control, he's very much got selfish goals in mind. personal safety, mostly, being considered useful enough to keep around under the protection of the artefact. and in addition his moral compass is very much not aligned with the above, but does seem to shift in that direction the more compassion he's shown. it's never all the way flipped but... still.

two things that are interesting about that - both the selfish and selfless goals are, in isolation, completely understandable? save a city? well that's a good thing! protect yourself? can't argue with that!! but "no matter the cost to my mental and physical health" ooh never mind. astarion is, out of the three, seemingly much better positioned to understand and admit that? which is what's particularly interesting about either wyll or halsin's relationship (romantic or not) with him. cos any efforts they make to help astarion out with his own boundary issues and healing creates a big ol' elephant in the room with their own deal that i think astarion would, like, push back on y'know? he's already incredulous about heroes and do-gooders for both understandable and dnd-evil reasons but once an established rapport comes into play, then you get that incredibly tasty dimension of "okay, so you spent all that energy encouraging me not to loan myself out to make us stronger but you're gonna sell your eternal soul to a demon for a bit of information? and you're going to keep neglecting any aspect of your life that isn't shadow-curse related, to the point where you rushed in to enemy territory without regard for your safety and would have died if we hadn't stepped in?"

it's just such a chewable way of a bond developing right? both sides changing each other with something they initially might have found deplorable/insufferable about the other? but it both ultimately resulting in healthier boundary setting and the valuing of their own bodies and hhrhghruguhgguh. which is the sort of thing i Need when it comes to ships. man. oog. the list of little scenes i need to write gets longer by the second i swear. we can add shadowheart to the "dynamics i need to explore with wyll" list too ahrghr oogrhg

it's also making bl**dweave conceptually more interesting as an antithesis to this although i honestly haven't stumbled on anything that actually fits this particular niche so [handwaves] but to me that's two men who are gonna make each other Worse actually (this is not inherently a bad thing for Drama but all im saying is im pretty sure if you put those two together for too long you'll end up with a god + ascended ending ok). censoring the ship name cos i see much more fluffy stuff and im not here to ruin fun with opposing headcanons in a search ahaha

[tianshiisdead]

Hi! I'm going to be writing a loong final message for an ex friend under the readmore, it's very angry and upset and literally just talking about petty personal problems lol so please ignore it. To that ex friend, I know you know who you are and you will probably see this if you have someone tracking my blog, maybe you'll read this, maybe you won't. Either way, it's off my chest and somewhere you can see it. Don't worry, I don't use any names. Warnings for suicide mentions, suibaiting, the works.

Wow! The more I think about you the more I feel like a fucking idiot. I've mulled over this for ages, looked at all of our old chats, wrestled with tears and wondered what I could have done better. Here's my final speech, since you probably didn't read the one I sent last time we spoke.

What I did wrong: didn't set the hardest boundaries, only slightly pushed back when you triggered me and didn't call you out when you clearly triggered me on purpose for not giving you the response you wanted, brushed off your slur-calling and crudeness.

I apologize for that, I stand by the fact that I think I made my issues with your behavior clear since months ago, I honestly didn't mince my words that much, telling you when you hurt or scared me, asking you to be better, and jesus you know I'm not bsing because you always admitted fault and said you wanted to improve, you just never did. But I could have been harsher, meaner, obviously I should have been because you never took anything I said to heart in the long term.

Other than that, how dare you? How dare you think it was okay, whether I pushed back or not, to mock my family's experience with colonialism, and cultural genocide, the colonial violence that produced me, because I wasn't responding to you on voice call? Do you think it's okay to needle and mock things I've been vulnerable with you about and admitted to being sensitive about, just because I didn't call you out every time afterward? Some of the vile things you've said to me shouldn't even have crossed your MIND. How dare you think it was okay to threaten to kill yourself because I was asleep and didn't respond within a couple of hours? How dare you steamroll my boundaries for months after I told you I had a history of life-threatening disorders and weaponize it against me when I lightly disagreed with you on a political topic? How dare you talk behind my back? Do you think me telling you 'you're not a bad person but your actions hurt people' was me not setting boundaries? Do you think you were the only one with issues? I won't pretend you didn't comfort us at times and hype us up, you weren't a cartoon villain, but the amount of times you spoke over us when we were speaking but would RAGE if we didn't respond to you instantly?

How dare you. I destroyed my health to support yours, not because I was up for the task but because you made me feel like, flat-out stated that you would hurt yourself if I didn't and it would be my fault. And to be fair, other times I did reach out myself BECAUSE I CARED ABOUT YOU. And this is how you discard me? I know you feel guilty lol, you always spoke about feeling guilty after hurting us month after month and you'd give a half-assed apology, talk about being on whatever arc, and then continue doing what you always did. You could analyze your own behavior and recognize all of your shittalking behind people's backs was due to your own complexes, yet always stopped short of actually reflecting in a way that brought change. Our last conversation was pathetic. If you genuinely thought you were in the right, I would honestly respect that more. But I know you're guilty, you just refuse to confront that guilt. You refuse to take responsibility and fully deal with how you acted. You always want to blame it on something, you always need to make it about people hating you or being unlovable and evil or whatever unavoidable tragedy, get over yourself, you acted in a shitty way and now it's confronting you, it's not deep or tragic, it's just a shitty human thing you did.

And you know what, I've also been in a place where I've hurt a friend because of a similar mental illness, constantly needy and feeling like she hated me, constantly leaving our chats and spiraling and speaking to her about things she hated but she never told me she hated because she wanted me to be able to talk to her. And at one point she confronted me and told me how she felt, like I and our mutual friend told you. And I'm sorry but I felt bad too, I was also resentful, I wondered why she had never told me and wondered why she didn't set boundaries harder, and I also sat down and reflected and apologized properly. I knew and she knew my actions weren't completely my own, but I still hurt her and overstepped, and from the bottom of my heart I didn't want to lose a friend who I loved. So I apologized properly, not because I didn't want to feel guilty or because I wanted to move on with my life. I apologized because I hurt her, someone I cared about. I suppose that's too much for you to do.

Fuck you and I hope you go to therapy. I know you see me, and our mutual friends as a bad chapter you can discard, that you'll just move on without ever confronting the things you've done to us, some of them worse than what you've done to me, but you were my friend and I cared about you and gave my health and time to you because I wanted to see you happy and thriving. Sometimes I see the unfinished things I was going to draw for you and make with you and cry, and I know you don't have the heart to feel that way for me.

Final note. You told me a few conversations before our final one that you wanted to move on, make better friends that suited you better, make things better for yourself. And that's fine, but also kind of heartless. I don't regret our friendship, though I regret how you hurt us. I cared about you, and I gave you my time because I cared about you. I regret that when it got too much and I told you, over and over and over again through the months, you acknowledged what was wrong and then brushed it off and never changed. I regret that you see us as a bad chapter, guilt you have to get rid of, and not as individuals who cared about you, who you ultimately hurt and discarded. You really are on your grindset lol, always improving yourself, discarding the ones who don't improve you. Life isn't just about improving and grindset, other people have feelings too that aren't just there to build your character arc. We all fuck up and hurt people dude, and sometimes we have to just own up to it.

[butmakeitgayblog]

Oh my gosh thanks so much for answering! I know now that there were some red flags to begin with, it’s just that this is actually the first i got my heart broken (and boy does it really hurt). I was 15 when i first started dating my ex boyfriend and when we broke up last year, it was mutual on both our ends. I was sad yeah but not that quite hurt about it. I’ve been genuinely attracted to women when i was 20 that was almost three years ago. And last year, I was already so confused about whether i was a lesbian (i am). Took me about 8 months of knowing myself, doing my research, talking to people and being confident enough to get back on dating. So when someone showed interest well i was quick to jump the gun. It was all so exciting. Everything about dating women was easier and better and not to mention much softer kisses lol. It was fun and new i told her about me being a baby gay and all. I guess after 3 months of dating that’s when it changed. Is 3 months already considered a lifetime in dating? I’m new to this but i sure can tell when someones getting bored. And it’s so hard i dont really know anyone who are queer who can relate. My friends are hella straight

3 months is not that long to go without sex in the beginning of a relationship 🥴 but the most important thing out of it all is about your own comfort level. It wouldn't matter if 3 months was a long time or a short time or any other standard, if you weren't ready then you weren't ready. And the fact that she couldn't handle says a lot about her. You shouldn't have to have sex to keep a girl's interest or have her deem the relationship worth her time

Look not to sound like a grandma, but in some respects I fucking hate the current attitude toward sex. I hate the way it's continuously made so blaise, not because people shouldn't be free to fuck when and how they want, but because of situations exactly like this. You get people who want to wait, or, gasp, just aren't that interested in sex, and somehow they get treated like the weird one. It's so stupid. If you're gonna be pro sex positivity then hold that same energy for everyone, including people who genuinely don't want to have it. But instead you get this attitude of people side-eyeing people who aren't out here fucking like they're an extra guest star on the L Word 🙄

Sorry that went off the rails, back to my point. No, 3 months is not a lifetime in dating unless you're someone who can't hold down commitment. Which it sounds like the type of person she was. You tho, you can't take someone else's hangups and judgement on as your own baggage. You set your own boundaries and your own path, and that includes your own time table for when you're ready to be intimate. Obviously this girl didn't make you feel that way, maybe the next one will. Maybe you'll want to jump her bones the second you meet, or maybe after a month, or 6 months. The main thing is sticking to when you're ready and not pushing yourself further.

[mydarktales]

~Pink Slides~

Pink slides, I've been walking through your girl shit

I bet that put these niggas in a whirlwind

All the drama, damn when does the hurt end?

Maybe after the lesson, we'll all learn then.

---

I'm tired of being depressed about people I can't change

Tired of being upset that people don't see the same

Nigga that I see and how much this nigga changed

How I stopped throwing in my two cents, ain't it strange?

That the same niggas dogging me got dull fangs?

That the same gutter niggas try to be on my lane?

That I've let the pain go and pushed forward?

I don't care if my feelings get ignored

I'm just happy I spoke them and the emotions poured

Another page you can add to the Devado lore

To tell myself I'm a person outside of this relationship, I'm more...

Than what you can pressure me into with discomfort and distance

That no matter how much you pull, I'm used to the resistance

People say I ain't shit and that's only an inference

I'm going to let others go, I can feel it, it's twitching

I see it in visions, persistent

Emotional division, I know that I'll miss them

It's sad how trauma comes with wisdom

That it teaches boundaries, so now you can't have permission

To bring me more tension without the hinting

I'd rather you talk to me before the venting

Problem-solve with me, so many options are realistic

As transparent as I can be, I hope someone feels this...

---

Pink slides, I've been walking through your girl shit

I bet that put these niggas in a whirlwind

All the drama, damn when does the hurt end?

Maybe after the lesson, we'll all learn then.

---

I say I love you, I know my past partners didn't believe me

They had their own trauma, so it didn't make shit easy

Knowing I was different and hoping they could see me

Not realizing that I shouldn't spend so much time trying to make a non-believer believe me

Nothing but random pain, like a baby teething

Nothing but anger, I can see your eyes seething

I wish back then I had the strength for leaving

Instead of being scared I'd be bobbing and weaving

"I have to take care of myself" and you get a different meaning

I can't bring you to my side, gravity has you leaning

Somewhere that opposes my force

And it doesn't matter if I share a resource

Or even apologize and cry with remorse

My first mistake was your last resort...

I can't hold that type of pain in my heart

I justify where all of your troubles start

I just know I want no parts...

And if I could, I wouldn't even hit restart...

[tellywoodtrash]

Hi TT, hope you are well. I want to share something personal and ask you for your thoughts about it. I grew up in a lower middle class family where money was always short and our family life revolted around it. Now, I cannot bring myself to have kids and subject them to the same kind of life that I had. Although I am employed, but I am certain that I will not be able to bring up a child, forcing myself or my child to compromise on everything due to money. My parents do not understand my views

(Continued): They feel children should learn to adjust from their childhood to grow up to become model adults. I regard their thoughts with respect, but times have changed. So has inflation, society, peer pressure and find it very unfair to children who have no control over who they are born to. In a country like India, where children still live with parents( at least in the small town that I hail from), I cannot imagine slogging away my life for kids. This may make me sound self centered (Continued 2): but I value my current life, which is free from child related drama. I have a million other problems to handle day in and day out. Bring emotionally pressurised everyday is doing more harm than good. How do you suggest I navigate through this situation as talking out openly has been a gateway to tears and arguments. Not solutions. Would love to know your thoughts. TIA.

Dearest anon,

First of all, biggggggg hugs. I completely understand and empathize with you. Although my own parents have always been accepting of my decision to be childfree, the societal pressure to procreate is so fucking insane, especially in our desi circles. Like, I just went to do my dad's shraadh a few days ago, and the priest spent a good 5 min talking about how you NEED TO and absolutely MUST be blessed with kids to do this ceremony for you once you pass, and I was just like......... "Welppppp guess imma be haunting bitches up in here forever then........" 🥴🥴🥴

No but jokes aside, good on you for reflecting on your past, being aware of what you want in the future, and coming to this decision. First of all, even if you did make the decision in a "selfish" manner, I don't think there's a single thing wrong with it. You have the right to build an adult life as you see best for yourself. If you don't see children contributing any value to your life, then you shouldn't have them. It's absolutely ridiculous how we have to live until 18 as our parents say (down to being pushed into fields of study and careers that we don't want), and then spend even more of our adult lives catering to the arbitrary whims of these elders as well. At what point in this never-ending cycle do we get to live the life WE want for ourselves? So yeah, go ahead and BE CONFIDENT IN YOUR SELFISHNESS. You made it this far in life based on your self preservation instincts, and you'll be fine in the future as well. If protecting your boundaries is called being "selfish", then so be it. In the immortal words of Bhai....

Secondly, it's not self centered AT ALL - you sound very conscious of the meaning of a quality life, and what it means in the current global circumstances; you are not willing to risk dooming a potential life to an uncertain future, and that in itself is very considerate. So is the fact that you're not just having kids as an "insurance policy" for being taken care of in your later years.

The analogy I always use to make reasonable people who are willing to have a good faith discussion is that it's very much like insisting someone adopt an unwieldy pet like... A HORSE, or a fucking LEOPARD, or something. Like sure, there are people who do it, and they're happy to be living that life, good for them. But can you blame someone for not wanting something that is such a huge emotional and financial and time investment in the middle of their daily lives while just trying to survive in whatever clusterfuck existence??? You need a lot of special skills and commitment to ensure they live their best lives (and isn't that the reason to do this in the first place? To give it a good life?) and not everyone wants to do it. And that's a perfectly reasonable opinion to have. One could argue that such neglect would hurt human children much more than they would animals, and isn't that all the more reason to ensure that you don't birth them until you are 100% you are willing to put in the work?

But I suspect your parents aren't really willing to listen to your logic, and are reacting from an extremely emotional place instead. There's no real point talking to someone who isn't receptive to what you're saying. It's like pouring water onto a glass that's turned bottom up; all your time and effort is just for naught. My best advice to you would be to just stay absolutely steadfast on your decision. If they insist on discussing this, tell them this is between you and your future life partner to decide. Just say that and shut down the conversation and refuse to entertain it any further. And make sure if/when you do decide to make a long-term commitment to a partner, that they are on the exact same page about this matter. Tell them this is one of your non-negotiables, and that you'll commit to the relationship only if this is agreed upon. Once you and your partner have joined forces, there's nothing anyone else can really do about it. Eventually, they'll just have to make their peace with it and move on.

I know this current period of strife is stressful to you, but hang in there, love. It will eventually get better. I'm sending you lots and lots of love and support, and am always here to cheer you on. 🤗🤗🤗

[thegoldenlittlerose]

Okay first things first:

This is a rant, a piece of my mind about the video and the reaction of the fandom. You may skip this if you don’t like it I’m putting when I’m talking about one or the other so you know:

Do not make this another Bright situation

The video:

This video is a good lesson that there’s more to Cutie’s needs to listen into others mind than just what we saw in the first video, yes, they pushing and breaking the boundary was the bad decision to take but I think that hearing him comparing them to Ben could be the wake up call they need.

Still deeply dissapointed and mad for what they did.

Sometime things need to get bad before they can get better, and having been in both Geordi’s and Cutie’s shoes I know why they did it. I don’t excuse it though I understand.

Still depending on what the next video of them are I might have to wait for this to pass, I’m not in the mental state to loose something as important as the safe space Geardi AND Cutie are to me. So I rather let go now than getting myself on a bad mental state again.

I wish this can take the high rode and that they both can solve this.

Okay a BIG trigger Warning I'm throwing shade and I don't mean it no anyone in particular, I love this fandom but I need to say my piece of mind about this whole situation and how all went down. I'm saying my opinion so this is the moment to stop reading.

I'm benting my frustation and my hurt so don't expect me to be kind.

You've been warned.

RANT:

When I saw the reaction I was expecting Aftershocks levels of Angst and altough this is heavy and uncomfortable is just that: Heavy and Uncomfortable.

Because that's the whole point.

I'm really disapointed and this gives me and others who weren't here for the whole Bright drama a big insight on what happen: While Cutie did something bad and over step Geordi's boundary you all have gone an a fucking trip to the other side an start to hate on them for it, this fandom doesn't know the words in between and I don't mean that this wasn't bad but to the extent that you are all treating it? Like they are a bad person who doesn't give a shit about Geordi? Come on!

Y'all need to chill the fuck down.

I get it, alright? I'm mad about what they did too, let's make that clear right now, I'm not defending what they did, it's not about that it's about the reaction and overly hate the fandom took. Getting too close to the Bright situation for my liking. Don't take this as a way to go after the people who are mad about what happen because that's not the point here.

First of all having this step back doesn't mean that they can't change, that they aren't trying; Cutie is trying, they aren't perfect and they are bound to fail along the way. What bothers me is the hate they get for just becuase this was made by a listener. Don't expect them to be like Angel or any other listener, they are their own. People can change and this is just the start to see how they make that change and this is an hypocresy for the whole fandom to see: If One listener gets a pass for a fuck up so do the others and that also aplies to the voiced characters.

I get that a lot of people like the blank moving camera type of listeners so they can do self inserts but to hate on one that isn't perfect and can make something bad out of hurt and posible trauma is another thing, but instead of seeing this as something that could be used as something to be improved, something to make this pair grow as a couple what the fandom sees is the mistake an the hurt and can't figure it out a listener fucking it up.

And the worst of it? Had it been one of the voiced character the reaction would have been different.

Take David for example: I saw a lot of people saying that their growth shouldn't come to the expense of Geordi well what about David? His whole character development came to the expense of Angel and no one batted one eye at it and I don't see this kind of backlash to the other voiced characters and I'm not even talking about the antagonist who still don't get as much shit as the listeners do, I'm talking about Sam, Vincent, Aaron I could go on about it.

Why when a voiced character fucks up the storyline gets praised about it and called character develpment and when a Listeners does it needs to end and get hate for it??? Based on what do you think that messing with a pair a lot of people find comfort and a safe place (Me included) because you don't like the Listener messing things up is alright?

For god sakes even Avior got more way to fuck up big. Why do you all suddenly want to make Cutie and Geordi break up just because it didn't met the expectations?

And I see you there, don't try and spin this about being a "deffending Cutie's action" because it is not, it's fucked up and how they move past this is the whole point here on out.

This is me being frustrated with the fandom because a lot of people can't think of a listener fucking it up and having a way to make up for it but when is a voiced character the reaction is different and even praised as plot and character development and don't tell me it's not because I saw the raw reactions to the early access spoilers and were quick to throw Cutie without even having a second thought, without even bothering thinking "Hey they have a reason to be like this, it doesn't excuse them but I can see where they are comming from" They are trying and failing but that doesn't mean they aren't trying.

[itsmadamehydra]

My Savior || Wayne McCullough

A/N: Just some teenage girl trying to write the story inside her head, hope u like it.

Pairing: Wayne McCullough x oc

Warnings: rape, intention of rape, harassment, blood mention, bullying, language (a little strong)

.................

.................

I've always like to watch him by far, he just seems different from the rest (and oh boy, he is).

The first time I saw him I was in 7th grade. I was just one more girl of the many others that her tities just had started to show and my period started to visit me. I remember that day clearly, I was sitting at the hallway with my bestfriend at the time, eating infront of our lockers when I saw him.

"Am telling ya girl, the answer of number 5 was c." I said trying to reason with her about the science test answers "I told you that if u needed help to study, I could help ya." I smile at her and move my arm upward to touch her shoulder

"Yeah, yeah, I know...are you sure it was not D?" she said frowning her eyebrows once more. We stayed in silence for a sec before bursting into laughter and tears

Little by little our laughs started to fade, allowing ears to hear the background and aswell some loud voices, it sounded like an argument but by the hears of it a fight was going to start soon. "What you think is happening over there?" Cassie murmured, I stared at the end of the hallway where apparently was were the voices were coming from.

"I don't know..." my lips formed a thin line while I was thinking about what could have been happening in there, "You wanna, you know, go and see?" I looked back at my friend

"Freak yeah" she laughed grabbing my hand and running down the hallway to see the soon to be fight.

Once we got there, there was a mass of students surrounding what appeared to be the ones who where arguing. "Ugh, I can't see, I hate been so small." I said, "Hey, that smallness is beautiful and you know you can use that in your own benefit" Cassia said and winked at me.

"I mean, yeah but I can't-" my word stopped at the moment I heard a want sounded and I believe to be a punch in the face. "You saw that!?" Cassie said, "That was freaking awesome, please tell me you saw it!" "Um, nah Cassie, I cant see a crap" i said while trying to find a whole where to see through.

It was only a matter of seconds until more punches were heard. I started pushing people more frantically, I wanted to see what was happening. When I get pass a few amount of studens I almost slipped, looked sown to see what was it and it was stains of blood, only a few but still.

"Oh gosh, disgusting." When I look up only a few students are still in the cafeteria and a guy wearing a grey hoddie was just there, staring at the bloodie face of another guy. I stared back at the hoddie guy and noticed a little hammer in his hand, and the words just came out of my mouth without even noticing, "Why the hammer? Want to be a constructed or something?" He just stared at me and pass by me without saying a word and keeping a neutral face.

"Who the hell was that crazy ass weirdo?" I hear Cassie's voice behind me. "I don't know" I responded, "But I will know...one day."

"Ok,ok, am not going to get in between your little search thingi but am sure he is not good news." Cassie said, "You saw what he did, and he has a FREAKING hammer, y/n! Covered in blood y/n!" She grabbed my shoulders from behind, "I think we all understood the message, stay the fuck away from him, honey."

And I just smiled.

Months later I learned his name. Wayne, Wayne McCullough. Fits the ring if you ask me. Everyone was speaking about how violent, crazy and wierdo he was, about how he was going to show up at your house to beat the hell put of you.

I just observed him by far, well, I like to think that I noticed him. I noticed how he usually beats up those who are some assholes jerks that have only one brain cell as much. Noticed that he is not much of a talker and a shy boy. Noticed how he makes his lips thin when he gets lost in thoughts. How he closes his fist when he is about to do something. His strangely high pain tolerance. His pale skin and dark hair appeared to me to be very llamative and aswell his strength. He was and is skinny but somehow has a great strength, maybe do to the unincredible amounts of fights he gets in. Experience makes the master is what the say...right?

Years went by, we entered to highschool and the nervousness along with the fast beating, sweating and butterflies were still there every time i either tought about him or saw him walking around.

Cassie stayed with me for a while until she decided to join the group of nasty ass bitches with no brain cells who believed no one was better than them. While I...well, I stayed small for a big part I guess, always with good grades, teachers love me and try to be nice with every one I guess.

Everything was going great until Cassie along with some guys recorded me somehow while being drunk and them trying to overpass the boundaries, and let me tell ya.. that was just the start.

The had videos of me at the school bathroom, pictures of my underwear under my skirts and dresses, them trying to touch me. I had to learn to defend myself, stopped using skirts, dresses, shorts even do I loved wearing the. Replace my shoes with tennis and always had hair ties.

"Y/n, wake up! You're going to be late for school, don't think ama wait for you!" I mom yelled.

"Yes, mom! Dont worry, am up!" I run down the stairs with my backpack, went to the kitchen, grabbed an apple and went straight to the car.

"Oh for God sake, y/n" she said went she looked at me and noticed my new hair style.

"What? You don't like it? I just cut it a little." I satered at her innocently

"Your father is not gonna like it and you know it." She said and the stress lines appeared in her forehead, "You know this is his weekend and-"

She couldn't finish her sentence because I started taking, "Am not going to that dickheads house, mother." I said strainly, "Don't want to see his and face of that bitch he cheated you with..." i lowly said but loud enough to hear.

"I know, honey but you have to and besides you get to see your brother!" She patted my thigh, "Haven't seen him in a while right?" She said with a sad tone

"You should be the one seeing him...not me." I stared outside the window, there were just some trees and houses and garbage.

Mom and dad divorced a while back, he cheated on her. The house was a mess that day, screams and broken glass everywhere. Sammy was lucky, he was at grandma's but I was home...listening to every single word. That was also the first time a sneaked out and the first time I sort-of spoke to Wayne.

"What are you doing here?" I heard someone said behind me, I looked and it was fucking Wayne

"Just trying to have some quietness i guess..." I stared at my fingers and started playing with them because of my nervousness, "...What are you doing here?" I asked softly

And he stayed silent...the whole time after that. Either way, his company was nice and the side profile, ufff, amazing.

"Ok, we are here." I stared at the building for a sec before giving my mother a kiss in her cheek and entered to the building.

"Hey y/n! Nice ass!" That was the jerk of all jerks, Jonathan.

I turned around and stared at him, "Oh yeah?" He nodded, "Want to see me shop of your dick?" Changed my tone while saying that into a lower and more serious tone. He just stared at me with sealed lips and left.

I continued walking to my locker and I come to see tgat my freaking lock is broken, I search in all the spaces but nothing is missing.

"Come on! They had just changed me of locker!" I silently yelled. Started grabbing my books for the next few classes when I felt a hand in my shoulder, by instinct I grabbed the wrist, pushed the person against the locker and added pressure in the throat with my other arm.

"Hey y/n" Orlando smiled, "New move?" I chuckled and removed my arm, now, standing face to face I respond

"You know you shouldn't do that Orlando bunny." I laugh st the nickname I gave him a few time ago. Orlando was one of the few FEW people who talked to me, well, he talked to everyone but still.

"I know... I just forgot I guess man." He looked down, "Y/n...have your tities grown bigger?" His face looked confused.

I slapped his head and punched his shoulder, "Could you please stop looking and thinking 'bout tities when am around you?"

"I mean, yeah sure...and sorry about your lock." He points the locker, "Wayne thought it was still his but since-" I cut him off before he could continue

"Wayne?" I asked confused

"Yeah, Is tha-" i cut him off again

"Why did he tho?" I murmured staring at my lock in hand.

"It used to be his locker but oh well...he missed school for 3 weeks and yeah." He grabs his backpacks laces after explaining.

"Oh...ok, is he still here tho?" I looked at Orlando

"I guess..." he was about to say pther thing when the bell ring and we started to go toour classes, "See you later gorgeous!" He yells from the corner of the hallway.

I stayed there...just staring at my lock for a while, then order my things fast and left to class. What I didn't know was that someone was watching at me.

Three days later, i was walking back home and i heard s car going at full speed and nasty comments were started to be listend. I kept walking trying tk pretend they didn't exist when the car is suddenly over the sideway and infront of me.

"YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME ASSHOLES!!" I yelled.

"But...you are bot dead right, bitch?" Jonathan said getting out of the car. There were five, 2 guys and 3 girls. "Don't prefer to suck my dick and be my slut, promise I'll pay a good amount." He said infront of me,

"She is already a slut baby." Veronica said

"I bet she has sleeped with half school, wouldn't surprise me if you haven been org*e or something." You know, comments are comments, you are the one who decide what hurt you and whats does not, but being Cassie the one who said that...broke my freaking heart.

I couldn't stand it anymore, wanted to leave the place so i came up with a plan very fast. I walked closer to Jonathan trying to be the most seductive I could, touched his chest, abs and got closer to his ear and said, "You are going to regret everything" Punched him with all my strenght in this genitiles, stomp on his feet, punched his nose and ran the faster I could out of there.

"You bitch!" I heard from far but i continued running, I couldn't stop, i was scared, didn't know what could happen if the get me. I could hear the car engines behind me, but i didn't stop.

I was close a bridge, ran underneath it, passed some houses but i could still hear the voices and car. My legs hurt, i needed to catch my breath, i could hear my heart beat, my body felt on fire. When I less expected am suddenly trapped, there were some abandoned buildings and warehouses but no way to get put of there. This was it, my end.

"Couldn't escape from me you nasty little bitch!?" I heard his voice, i was never one to pray but believe when i say i begged to God to save me. "You ain't going anywhere...bitch" he was behind me, I could sense it.

My hair was pulled, he pulls me by my hair to his car and i notice that it's just him and another guy. Am not getting out of here.

"We are going to have so much fun!" He licks my cheek and i try to kick him wherever.

"HELP!" I yelled, "SOMEBODY PLEASE, HELP!" my voice sounded horrific, like if i hadn't drank a single drop of water in ages, "please" y murmure my last pledge before he finally puts me over the capo of his car.

"No one's gonna help you, you slut." He says, the other guy was just watching and standing still, doing nothing.

I gave up, didn't even notice I was crying until I tasted the salt in my lips. I felt him over me, unbucking my pants and then...i didnt felt his weight anymore, instead, i heard a cry of pain, and then another cry, and another and another.

I lifted my head and there he was, grey hoddie and little hammer in hand...my savior. I smiled.

My smile just grew bigger and bigger every second I saw that boy swing that motherfucker hammer, every second that Jonathan's blood was spilled. I lool around in search pf the pther guy scared that he might try to grab but I get calm when i see him unconscious on the floor.

A few minuts later th cries stop and i look up, Jonathan was missing 3 teeths and face covered with blood, i think he could even have a brocken rib or something.

Am sitting on top of the car's capo when a feel a slight, fragile touch.

"You ok?" Wayne askes pulling a string of my hair behind my ear.

"...now I am." I smile to him and he returns a little small tiny one with a grin. I was about to say something else when he suddenly speaks

"Want to be my girlfriend or whatever?" He says looking exhausted, I chuckle

"Try a little harder and I might be." I say soflty with a small thin smile and he avoids my eyes but I still get to notice a small blush.

...................

Hey! So, yeah. This is my first ever published thing. Hope you enjoyed it and if you want a part two or to keep writing, am open to any suggestion! Am not very good with the warnings section so if you could help me with it, i would totally apreciate that!

Thank you for reading,

[admirableadmiranda]

hey sangsang I just wanted to put this out there and see what your thoughts are on how lwj and wwx are both highly ideal characters. and sometimes I feel like, while logically I know no one is perfect in real life and these are fictional characters, I’ll never be as good?? Now I know this is all me and my own personal issues talking here don’t get me wrong, but are we supposed to strive to be as morally upstanding as them, even though as real people we can never be good in the same way? I know that at some points they do both make mistakes, but it feels different in somehow? I suppose because as characters they have clearly defined arcs that are just messy irl and we often don’t get those clear defined endings. Anyway I’m just kind of throwing thoughts out there but this has been bugging me a little lately and I wanted to hear another opinion. Hope you’re having a good day<3

I don't see why we shouldn't seek to follow their example. I don't think it's beyond us to do so. I know it seems very daunting given their examples, especially since as you said they have the benefit of a tightly controlled narrative and we just get our one messy strange life to live.

But the biggest examples of what they do that changes so much are really very simple to implement. They both speak up when they disagrees with what someone is saying, coming to the defense of those who do not necessarily have the position to push back themselves. They are both kind to everyone, even those who have hurt them, without letting people just walk all over it. They still set boundaries and do not continue to let people hurt them and each other without regard, but when offered a chance between cruelty and kindness, they both choose to be kind.

And I won't like and say that it's easy to act that way every time. I strive in my own life to be kind first. But sometimes I cannot do it. Sometimes I snap at people, or I withdraw and shut them out. Sometimes even I get in arguments with everyone. But I try to remain aware of why I am acting the way I do.

And I take the time and energy to try and be kind where I can. I reach out to people. I help where I can. I do not sacrifice my entire self, but in the end the cost to take the time and ask how someone is doing and mean it is rewarded by what I get back from it. I want to make being around me a positive experience. I want to leave the places I go better than I found them.

Anon, do not try to push yourself beyond your means for an ideal. Bright stars burn out when they push too hard. But that doesn't mean do not strive in what ways you can. If what you can do is to thank the next person who steps aside when the both of you are walking on the sidewalk, look at them and thank them. If you go to the grocery store and someone helps you, be grateful. Find the things to enjoy in your day and enjoy them. Leave a nice comment in someone's inbox, tell someone what they liked about their fic.

These things may not seem huge, but keep in mind that Wei Wuxian's act of kindness towards Wen Ning was quite small as well, compared to what he does later. But for Wen Ning it meant so much. Someone took the time to come and complement him, was not ashamed when he was not yet able to match what Wei Wuxian said. Without that kind action, things would have been very different.

Who knows what good can come from being kind? In the moment it could be a smile. In the long run it could literally change a life.

I hope this helps you a little bit. And I want to implore also that you are not excluded from this kindness. I am working on my own self esteem by being kind to myself. Today I did not feel the strength to cook, so I ordered a sandwich. I am being kind to myself and not punishing myself for being tired, but making sure that I still get good nourishment and an enjoyable experience. We all need that care too.

I'm happy you stopped by, anon. Come say hi again! My inbox is always open.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi! I'm not sure if I'm ENTP, INFJ or ENFP. Everytime I do online tests they give me ENTP, but lately I've been seeing more things about Ni and now I'm confused. Can you help me?

I like exploring every version of ideas. I don't do it to necessarily reach a conclusion, but sometimes I'm really invested in some topic and I won't stop until I get answers. I like sharing my ideas too! Most of the time I do it with total strangers that I might never see again so I can observe their reactions, but I'm very fond of my friends' opinions too, they influence my perspective and I might correct some aspect based on what they said. I'm very indecisive and sometimes dependent as much as I hate to admit it.

I care about meaning, about changing the world. I want to create something that will be marked on history, I want to have a purpose. This is why I try a lot of different things, I think everything is useful or will be useful in the future.

I have trouble in connecting with people. I'm closed off with them. Like in school for example, I barely talk at all. Generally speaking, I think people are boring, they're way too hard to understand. But I like them as a concept (as in studied by sociology, biology and philosophy). Because I don't understand them, I press their buttons. I like teasing people a lot and I don't mean in a harmful way, but most of people think it's too much or that I'm pushing their boundaries.

Lately I've discovered that I want to gain people's approval. I don't know why, though. I used to not put limits on my friendships, because I was afraid I was going to lose them if I spoke up. I wanted their approval and to be their friend. I also care about opinions of people that are close to me or that I want to impress and if their opinion is negative, I doubt myself and might change around them to be more pleasant.

I'm really out of tune with my body and with my surroundings. I barely remember to do basic chores, like eating and sleeping. I space out frequently. I also don't have that much connection with my feelings, they're a mess. I don't know what I feel, so I just copy what other people feel. Or what I suppose that people feel in specific scenarios. I feel like an alien inside of this body, like this is not really me. Quite like a doll.

I'm impulsive. I throw myself at situations that I definitely shouldn't (and part of me is very aware of that) but my curiosity to see the results end up winning. But this only happens when I want to do it, if other person throws me without my desire, I just get annoyed.

I'm very, very impatient. I feel like I'm running out of time and if I don't do everything I will end up regretting it. I don't want to regret anything. There's a high chance of me skipping work if it requires a lot of time and repetitive tasks.

I drop things when they don't feel as new as before, but I'm also very prone to obsessions. I might enjoy some topic and learn everything about it and then after some months I just drop it. The obsessions come and go, though.

My memory is awful. I can remember some details if it's really important, like data to use in an exam or something, but it doesn't come naturally to me.

It would be of great help if you told me which mbti would fit best. Thank you and have a nice weekend!

ENTP. This is all extremely Ne-dom/inferior Si behavior, and I don't see Fi anywhere in your self-analysis. (Ne: sharing ideas, not being too attached to them, obsessive behavior followed by abandonment when it no longer contains abstract potential, poor data retention. Tert-Fe: wanting to impress total strangers, provoke reactions, get a rise out of people, earn their approval, but no sense of your own emotions, and uncertain how to connect on a deeper level.)

[miss-atomic-bitchh]

I was supposed to go to my friend's birthday party today and my anxiety was a little too high for my liking last night but I was happy with the plan of getting a lift there and back and I was fully intent on showing up for my friend and making myself proud. My friend lives in a city so I didn't feel ready for the possibility that I would have to get the bus there, but then the lift cancelled so my only option was to either get an expensive taxi or a bus. I told my mum about the change of plans and she said that I should just cancel and I did, but I feel so terrible about letting my friend down especially as other people cancelled on her too. I wanted to show up for her even though I might have found the party a bit awkward as I don't know the other girl too well and me and my friend aren't the type that can talk for hours about 'deep' subjects, but I felt like I was pushing myself too far. I probably shouldn't take it to heart because it's just a party with people I'm not necessarily close with, and it’s important for me to respect my own boundaries/limits.

[a-blue-secret]

GENRES: elf!beomgyu, fairy!taehyun, magic au, fluff, lots and lots of fluff, an ittle wittle bit of angst, ambiguous/open ending

PAIRING: taegyu

WARNINGS: this is not edited in the slightest so beware of rambling

WORD COUNT: a whopping 3.2k+ I'm sorry

AN: A little bit of fluff for Valentine's Day! And yes! I managed to get this out before Valentine's Day ended in Korea! Whoo!! I recommend listening to Smile Flower by Seventeen, especially towards the end. I hope you enjoy :) -on ao3 here-

SUMMARY: Just a bunch of scenarios showcasing how Beomgyu taught Taehyun to love.

Taehyun loved Beomgyu. There was no doubt about it. Even he himself knew it, and readily embraced that fact.

Taehyun had loved people before. He loved his mother, and his father, and even his pet ladybug who could sometimes be a little grumpy and snappy. He knew it was love, because he smiled and laughed with them, and grew a warm feeling in his tummy when they were happy. He knew love.

But Beomgyu made him feel… different. He knew it was love; he recognised the warm happiness he received around him. But this love was different. It was a giddy feeling, and Taehyun became hopelessly flustered around him. This love was different, because it felt more playful and intimate than the love he shared with his family.

Taehyun thought he knew love well enough, until Beomgyu came along, and taught him so much more.

.・。.・゜♡・

Beomgyu taught him to love in a carefree, courageous way.

"Beomgyu!" Taehyun said in a panicked whisper. "You shouldn't be here!"

"Shh! I wanted to see you, can't I do that?" Beomgyu said, pouting as he rested his head on the leaf Taehyun was sitting on. The fairy had been resting on the leaf, relatively obscured from view by the long grass stems, so they were hidden from other fairies. Still, Taehyun didn't want to take any chances.

"Go! What if someone sees you?" Taehyun said, trying to push Beomgyu away. Beomgyu refused to be pushed, instead struggling up to sit next to Taehyun. He nudged Taehyun with his shoulder.

"I'll do anything for you," he said.

"Even get caught in fae territory?"

"No boundary will ever hold back my love for you, Taehyun," Beomgyu said seriously. Taehyun flushed, and fiddled with his fingers.

"I just don't want them to find you," Taehyun spoke worriedly. "Elves aren't allowed anywhere near here, and you know what they do to elves they find in fae territory. I don't want that happening to you just because you missed me."

"Please," Beomgyu smiled, bopping Taehyun's nose. "I think that's an incredibly valid reason. And besides, I'd do anything for you. Anything at all."

Taehyun had pondered over Beomgyu's words that night, thinking about what he'd said. Loving Beomgyu was dangerous, he and the elf both knew it, but it seemed that Beomgyu was willing to do anything for Taehyun. That day, Taehyun learned another thing about love.

.・。.・゜♡・

Beomgyu taught Taehyun to love in a messy, silly way.

Someone tentatively knocked on Taehyun's door, and he immediately threw a cushion at it. "Go away!" he yelled.

"Taehyuuunnn," the voice said in a whiny, sad tone. "You promised you'd play with me after you finished your homework. Momma said you're done, so you're free to play now!"

"I don't want to play with you!" Taehyun said in frustration, pulling open his door to see his younger sister looking up at him, wings drooping sadly. He sighed. "I don't want to play, okay? The games you play are too childish and silly."

His younger sister pouted. "Hmph. You used to play with me all the time, but now you don't want to anymore. It's like you don't care anymore."

"I do care," Taehyun said exasperatedly,"but it's too childish to play games like hide and seek now. I don't want to."

"Hmph! Whenever I ask you to play, you always say that! You never want to play with me!" With that, she stomped off. Taehyun sighed, closing his door.

That evening, when he met up with Beomgyu, he told him all about how annoying his sister had been. The elf listened to him carefully. When Taehyun finished speaking, Beomgyu spoke up. "Hey, wanna play catch?"

He was slightly confused at the change of subject, but readily agreed. "Sure." He got up, picking up a dewdrop from one of the flower petals. "Be careful though, you don't wanna get caught!"

The two of them played games that Taehyun hadn't played in ages. They spent hours and hours playing games. They played catch with the dewdrop, played chase around the dandelions, Grandma's Footsteps by the daffodil bulb, and then played hide-and-seek in the dark, both of them giggling when the other accidentally tripped over their own feet.

"Beomgyu? Beomgyu?" Taehyun called out. There was complete silence. He glanced around. One of the rules was that he wasn't allowed to fly, since it would be unfair for the elf, but Beomgyu couldn't see him, right? It wouldn't matter if he flew, just for a few seconds…

He'd hovered just a few centimeters above the ground when hands suddenly grasped his ankles, preventing him from going higher.

"Taehyunnie! No cheating!"

Taehyun squeaked and suddenly dropped to the ground, Beomgyu's arms still around his legs. Beomgyu blinked, before laughing.

"Hey! I could have died!" Taehyun huffed jokingly.

"That yell! Wah, I didn't think anyone could make such a high-pitched shriek!"

"It's not funny! You surprised me!" Taehyun reached out and tickled Beomgyu's sides, making the elf laugh even more. Then suddenly, Beomgyu let out a squeak- even higher than the one Taehyun had made. They both stared wide-eyed at each other. Then Taehyun began to tickle Beomgyu even more, in fits of laughter himself.

"Oh my god, hyung! What was that??"

"I- Taehyun! Stop! It- it tickles! Ah!!"

Eventually, Beomgyu couldn't breathe from laughing so much, so they lay down looking up at the night sky, still giggling slightly. Their giggles died down, and they stared silently up at the dark canvas above them, studded with small silver stars.

"That was fun, wasn't it?" Beomgyu smiled, turning to look at Taehyun.

"Yeah," Taehyun said. "It's been ages since I've played those sorts of games."

"I remember when I was younger I used to pester my elder brother to play them with me," Beomgyu said. "He never wanted to. But it's okay." He nudged Taehyun's shoulder. "Now I can pester you to play with me, can't I?"

"You'll never pester me into playing them," Taehyun replied, turning to face Beomgyu. "I'll play them willingly."

Beomgyu gave a soft smile to the fairy. He pecked his nose, before regretfully standing up. "I'm going to have to go now," he said. Taehyun pouted, but stood up too.

"See you tomorrow?" he asked the elf hopefully.

"See you tomorrow," Beomgyu smiled, giving him a kiss. "Goodbye, my fairy."

The next day, Taehyun spotted his sister as she walked past his door. He remembered how harshly he'd turned her away yesterday, and winced in regret.

"Wait," he called out. "I have some free time right now. Do you… do you maybe want to play?"

She turned around, and her eyes lit up. "Really?"

He laughed at how adorable she looked. "Yeah, really."

"Yay!!” She clapped her hands delightedly, before reaching out and dragging Taehyun outside. "Can we play catch???"

"Of course! Hey, want me to teach you how to make dewdrop balls?"

.・。.・゜♡・

Beomgyu taught him that being in love wasn't complete without occasionally clashing with the other.

"What are you doing here?" Beomgyu hissed, pushing Taehyun's head down so it was out of sight. Taehyun immediately bobbed up again, blond curls bouncing on his forehead. He stared up at the elf, confused.

"What, so it's fine for you to see me in fae territory, but I'm not allowed to visit you in elven land?" he said.

"Well, it's just…" A few more elves walked past, and Beomgyu pushed Taehyun down again. Once they were out of sight, Taehyun peeked up.

"Just what?" he asked.

"Elven territory is more dangerous," Beomgyu said in a low whisper. "You know what they can do to you."

Taehyun tilted his head thoughtfully. "Hmm… well, what they can do to me is no less harsh than what they could have done to you. The dangers are just the same." He beamed up at Beomgyu. "But even so, I wanted to see you!"

Beomgyu didn't smile back, and frowned. "That's not a good enough reason. I don't want you potentially getting hurt just because you wanted to see me."

Taehyun recognised those words as being extremely similar to his own from a few weeks back. "What, so you're allowed to visit me when you miss me, but I'm not?"

Beomgyu sighed exasperatedly. "Love, that's not it, it's just that–”

"No, that's exactly it," Taehyun said, hurt. "You don't think I'm capable of looking after myself, do you? For your information, I am perfectly capable. No– don't you touch me." When Beomgyu tried to reach out to the fairy, Taehyun moved back. Beomgyu's outstretched hand curled into a ball, before hanging by his side.

"Taehyun, please, stop overreacting. I'm just worried about you, okay? You can get hurt."

"Overreacting?" Taehyun repeated. "I'm not overreacting."

Beomgyu sighed frustratedly. "Taehyun, come on, think clearly here! You're in elven land, and you're just a fairy. Do you seriously think that's safe?"

"So you think I'm weak?"

"No,Taehyun, just stop being ridiculous–"

"Oh, I see. I see what's going on. It's clear you think I'm weak and need protecting, because I'm a fairy. Well that's just a stupid stereotype! I thought you of all people would know not to believe stereotypes, Beomgyu," Taehyun said, tears in his eyes. "You of all people! You're in love with a fairy, for goodness' sake, and that goes against all stereotypes that fairies and elves should be enemies."

"Well who says I'm in love with you?"

At that, Taehyun paused, shocked. Beomgyu's eyes widened as he realised what he'd just said.

"No wait, love, I didn't mean it–”

Taehyun wiped his eyes angrily. "No, it's fine, 'love'. I get it. You don't want me pestering you. If you don't want me around, I'll go. I'm not going to come back."

Before he could call out, Taehyun had already flown back down, through the grass roots and out of sight. Beomgyu closed his mouth, swallowing. He felt the guilt close in on his throat, and his eyes burned with tears. He hadn't meant to say that at all. Even now that he thought about it, he was shocked with himself for even managing to say something so horrible. God, Taehyun must hate him now. Beomgyu's eyes blurred with tears, and sat forlornly down on the leaf.

"I'm sorry, Taehyunnie," he whispered.

.・。.・゜♡・

However, Beomgyu also taught him love meant forgiveness, because no one was perfect, and love was about navigating those imperfections together.

It had been five days. Five days since Taehyun had visited Beomgyu in elven land, only to be pushed away. He couldn't even think about the day, because it made his heart hurt too much. Taehyun's eyes filled with tears, and he furiously wiped them with the back of his hand. No. He shouldn't cry. Beomgyu had made it clear he thought Taehyun to be weak, and that he didn't love him at all. He shouldn't cry over someone who didn't love him.

Despite his words, this was exactly what Taehyun did. He moped in his room for five days, refusing to leave the cottage. Though he didn't want to admit it, Taehyun was heartbroken. It may have only been a short, sudden sentence said in the heat of the moment, but it still hurt that Beomgyu could even think such a sentence. He tried to blink away the tears which had for some reason welled up yet again. He vigorously wiped them away, eyes bright with anger. If Beomgyu ever came to apologise, he wasn't going to accept. He wasn't going to forgive him. No. Not at all. Taehyun glanced out the window. That is, he wasn't going to forgive the elf… if he ever came to apologise at all.

.♡.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" Taehyun's mum asked, nudging him.

"Mmm," Taehyun answered absent-mindedly, staring blankly out the window. When his mother still continued to look at him, he turned to face her. "I'm okay, Mum." He gave a weak smile. "Seriously."

"If you say so," she responded skeptically, watching him carefully as Taehyun resumed staring out of the window.

Once she had left the room, Taehyun gave a sigh, resting his cheek on his hand. He'd been watching their garden, hoping that maybe Beomgyu would turn up. Despite the bold words he'd said to the elf the last time he'd seen him, it seemed that he did need and depend on the elder. He missed Beomgyu. Missed those stolen little moments they had in the evenings, missed seeing Beomgyu's face randomly peep up from behind a leaf, and jokingly pushing him away. Goddammit, he even missed the annoying jokes he told.

Taehyun scanned the empty greenery again, before slumping and reluctantly moving away from the window. He understood why Beomgyu wouldn't come to him. If he were in the elf's place, he'd be too proud and annoyed to admit his faults. But a part of him hoped that Beomgyu wouldn't be like that.

"Taehyun, darling?"

At the nickname, Taehyun perked up, before he realised it was his mother, hovering by his door.

"A dragonfly dropped a letter for you by our door. It said it was strictly confidential, so I didn't look at it." Taehyun's eyes brightened hope. Could it be Beomgyu? He thanked his mother, and waited until she left before opening it. His lips twitched into a smile as he spotted the handwriting, but he quickly smothered it.

'My lovely Taehyunnie, I'm sorry it took so long for me to reach out. I just want to say that at sundown, I'll be by the maple tree, waiting for you. If you don't come, I understand, but just in case you don't hate me even a little, please, meet me there. I love you.'

Taehyun frowned, putting the letter down. No. He wouldn't go. Beomgyu had hurt him too much. He wasn't going to go. Nope.

.♡.

Taehyun went. No matter how many times he told himself he didn't care, deep down, he still loved Beomgyu a lot.

Coming up to the maple tree, his face creased into a frown when he saw that no one else was there. Had Beomgyu come already? Had he been fooling him? Maybe the elf wasn't coming at all.

Then, he heard the faint sound of guitar strings being played.

"Look up," a voice called, and Taehyun looked up, face melting in wonder. Beomgyu was floating down on a maple leaf, held at the corners by fireflies. He was holding the guitar he'd made himself, a nervous smile on his face. As soon as he opened his mouth, Taehyun knew what was going on. He couldn't help a smile spread across his own face, as his hands came up to cover his mouth. It was horribly cliche, romantic and such a Beomgyu-like gesture, that he couldn't help but love it.

"I can smile because we're together, I can cry 'cause it's you. So what can't I do?" Beomgyu landed gently next to Taehyun. "Don't say it's the end, forever, because I'll stay by your side." He took Taehyun's hands into his, and Taehyun realised with a start that Beomgyu was trembling. His eyes were bright with tears. "Whatever happens, like always, can we be together?"

Taehyun's own eyes filled with tears and he nodded his head vigorously. "I love you," he whispered, holding Beomgyu's hands tighter. "I love you, so much." Beomgyu bit his lip, the tears finally spilling out of his eyes. "I- I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you away like that. I wasn't thinking. You were just doing what I always do, and I didn't think. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean a single word."

"It's okay," Taehyun said, pulling Beomgyu into a hug. "I understand how you want to protect me. It's what I feel when you sneak over here. I'm sorry I overreacted like that."

"No, no, you didn't overreact," Beomgyu quickly said, stroking Taehyun's hair. "It was me. I shouldn't have been so hypocritical, or try and push you away when you just wanted to see me. I'm so sorry, Taehyunnie." He pulled back, and took Taehyun's hands in his own. "I was being too overprotective over you," he whispered. "And I kept making you seem weaker than you were, when in fact you are the strongest person I know. I love you, so so much. Will you forgive me?" His eyes searched Taehyun's, hopeful and sad at the same time.

"Yes, I do," he said through tears, hugging Beomgyu again. "It's okay, I forgive you."

"Oh, thank goodness." Beomgyu buried his face into Taehyun's shoulder. "If you didn't, I was going to abandon all my pride and just beg at your feet, right here."

Taehyun laughed, and gave Beomgyu a short, sweet kiss.

"You don't need to ever do that," he said, smiling. "I love you too much to stay mad at you forever." He looked up at Beomgyu. "Could you sing me the rest of the song?"

Beomgyu smiled, and picked up his guitar. "Don't say it's the end, forever what happens, just like always, our smile flowers will bloom." He pressed a long, loving kiss onto Taehyun's lips, smiling. "Whenever, wherever, even if we’re not together, just like always, our smile flowers bloom."

"I’ll be the spring to your smile," Taehyun finished, laughing when Beomgyu left light, ticklish kisses along his neck and collarbone.

"I love you, okay?" Beomgyu said earnestly. "So much. No matter what happens, that will never change."

Taehyun buried his head into Beomgyu's shoulder, unable to stop smiling. "So do I," he murmured. "I love you more than anything. Forever."

.・。.・゜♡・

All these things we're infinitely important: there was no doubt about it. But, perhaps the most important thing Beomgyu taught Taehyun was that love was in the little things. The small, stolen moments they shared were the most important things in the world for them.

Taehyun rested his head on Beomgyu's shoulder as their feet dangled off a branch of the maple tree. The sun was low, and the light was rapidly fading. The fireflies danced playfully around them, providing their own golden lights against the warm sunset. Neither the elf nor the fairy said a word, content with each other's presence alone.

When Taehyun thought about it, it was funny how they'd managed to fall in love. A fairy and an elf, destined to be enemies until the end of time, managed to defy all odds and become united. Taehyun smiled. It wasn't even meant to be possible. And yet, here they were, very much in love with each other despite it being something that should have been impossible.

Taehyun gazed up at Beomgyu's side profile in adoration. The elf had his eyes closed, head tilted backwards, a golden glow settling over his features from the setting sun. Beomgyu was beautiful. It made Taehyun a little sad that he couldn't show the world how much he loved the elf, but it also made him appreciate these small moments even more. Every minute they spent together felt even more special. Beomgyu opened his eyes and caught Taehyun staring, smiling and winking at the fairy. Taehyun blushed, burying his face into the other's shoulder. Beomgyu hummed a wordless tune, arm around Taehyun's waist as they rocked side to side in time with the gentle wind.

One day, Taehyun said to himself. One day, we'll be able to show our love to the world. But until then, I'll love you through these small moments.

-fin.

[beatsfortheillperth]

Words with Jetson

Our next interview is with a producer and rapper out of a beautiful place known as Tauranga, in New Zealand, This creative is known as Jetson.

He happens to be one of my cat, Rain's personal favourites for sleep time and regardless of the amount of thumping bass Jetson's music creates and picture frames it knocks over, I understand why he sleeps so sweetly.

Probably a lot to do with the fact that bass has rhythm, just like the sweet sweet words Jetson correlates with his word-plays in tracks such as "Milk" and "SENSEI". Not only impressing cats, Jetson has made moves and connections beyond the long white cloud, proving isolation doesn't always silence brilliance. Jetson brings words any generation can hold some sort of relevance to, words that allow one to notice life moves fast and slow and sometimes you just have to chill and become an observer rather than an instigator.

This is something I feel Jetson has accomplished with his rather low-key approach to releases and interviews.

Jetson is a natural, a true prodigy of sound and a sharer of moods, and to me, is a reminder that with a little bit of passion and persistence, great things can happen, whatever your field.

Jetson’s collective and label - Chill Children is evidence of that, as through it , Jetson is able to work and release with producers and beat-makers all over the globe.

emo the optimist, BACKWHEN, fuyu, eets, and junyii are just some of the diverse talents working with Chill Children and everyone on the catalogue are game-changers that make music that’s anointed in chills. 

Creators that push boundaries and portray emotion through sound in the most soothing way, one must check Chill Children.

So with that I hope you enjoy rare words with the nuance wonder, and in his own words.

Sit back, relax, get baked, create, f**k it.

Enjoy and much love.

Hey man thanks for the opportunity to share words. Let's start with a few random quick questions to get things going. Favourite Beverage: Lemon water. Favourite thing to do in your down-time: Make music/skate. Views on Reincarnation: It will be cool if it is true but I guess it doesn't really change anything if it is 🤷‍♂️ Favourite Food: Sushi. Favourite Album of All Time: Tribe Called Quest - Midnight Marauders A song to break it down to: Ethereal & Playboi Carti - Beef A song to chill to: Durand Jones & The Indications - Cruising to the park Do you prefer Sunrise? or Sunset? Why?: Sunset, because I'm never awake for sunrise. A childhood memory in regards to music: I remember saving up to buy Graduation by Kanye West and listening to that shit front to back for weeks straight. Favourite Place to be: Probably on an island.

Thanks for that, so let's start by asking what inspires you to produce and not only produce but continually produce, what to me is an array of tunes fitting so many genres?

Do you have a set of goals in place when you release a track or do you just hit upload and just hope people are feeling your sound?

What I like to listen to is constantly changing so I like to challenge myself to try and make the things that I'm inspired by.

I like to think that you never know what you're gonna get when you listen to my music but I've still got so much to learn and experiment with. I just try have fun with it and not think about it too much.

How long have you been producing music, and what did you find was hardest to get the hang of when it first came to producing beats?

I had no music theory knowledge or anything when I started making beats (I still don't have much) so there was a lot to learn right away.

Probably the hardest thing that I still battle with is knowing what you should release, what you shouldn't etc. It's hard to balance knowing when something is finished and when it still needs work.

Could you give a quick run-through of the process you follow when it comes to making a beat?

I try to change my process as much as I can to keep things fresh and fun for myself. But I really enjoy hearing a sample somewhere like keys, a quote or a rapper I want to remix, then I start working with that piece and see where it goes.

I'll mess around with the beat for a while and sometimes a track comes out. It can take one day, it can take months. Just depends.

Oldies are always goodies in my books and I have to mention your "bumps from 2014" mixtape, it truly is something special.

What inspired those little bumps? What were you doing back then? Also, can you remember the mood you were in when you made them?

I'm glad you like it haha. That was when I really had no clue what I was doing in terms of making beats, I was making all of those 'off the grid' in Ableton so I was placing drums in random places, I had no idea what bpm the samples were or anything. I really didn't know wtf I was doing, just going off of a vibe. 

My mood was really just being excited about making music, I was living in the basement at my mum's house blasting beats on the speakers all day.

[bumps from 2014] - https://soundcloud.com/sleepgodd/bumps-from-2014

You are also a rapper. My favourite NZ rapper to be more precise so thank you for the vibes you create. How did you find out you had it in you to rap and how old were you?

Damn, I appreciate that ✌️ I started rapping with a friend of mine, Jesse aka j cafe when we were around 20. We'd sit in my room smoking weed, and free-styling over beats on Soundcloud all night. 

Then we decided to make a track, so we found a beat and jumped in the closet to record some vocals on the laptop microphone.

We put it up on Soundcloud and I've been addicted to making music ever since.

Link to j cafe’s Soundcloud here - https://soundcloud.com/j-cafe

Cover art for Jetson’s 2019 rap release - bluntscraps

Album cover art by Takuroh Toyama

When did you first start rapping in front of others? What did it feel like in the beginning compared to now when you perform live?

I was insanely nervous the first time I ever did anything live and that feeling really hasn't left me lol.

Except now I know how to deal with nerves a bit better and actually enjoy the whole experience of doing something live.

I definitely think I'm a lot better now than my first time doing it, but I still kinda suck 😂 Staying on topic with your rapping, material-wise you have mad skills, your music is forever helping me chill out so thank you.

When did you start writing down your words and turning them into structured songs? Do you have any other artists that inspire your writing style?

When I was younger I really liked the flow of rappers rather than what they were actually saying.

Dudes like MF Doom and Earl Sweatshirt really influenced me at the start wanting to come up with lines that were catchy and different.

To form an actual track I usually just mumble over beats to get the flow, then I start placing words in the spots where I think they fit.

Does your family know you make music? If so what do they think of it, any dance parties in the Jetson Family Household? 

My immediate family all know and support my music. My mum used to have one of my tracks as her ringtone for years lol.

No jetson dance parties yet, but seems like every year more people in my extended family know about my music.

You were also a member of NZ Duo, Chill Children of which you rap and produce with yet another kiwi talent, both having low-key approaches when it comes to presenting yourselves through social media. What happened with that?

Me and J Cafe started Chill Children as a rap project in the early days but we moved to different places in the world and started doing our own solo projects so things sort of stopped happening with it.

I still credit those times with really getting me started on music though. He's still making dope shit and we'll probably link up on a track soon.

So then it became a sort of collective community, and through your Chill Children Soundcloud, you allow a platform for other artists to have their music heard.

Much Love on the concept, What inspired you to start sharing other artists music and what keeps you sharing? I'm very grateful btw, too many gems.

I work on music a lot with my friend emo the optimist (aka kodama) and we always wanted to run a label/collective kind of thing so we could release music from artists that we really liked.

After me and Jesse started doing our own thing, Chill Children seemed like the perfect place to start doing that.

It's one of my favorite things to work on as we have a hand in working with the artists on every release. I just love that we're able to share so much music that we really like with the world.

Check Chill Children here -

Bandcamp - https://chillchildren.bandcamp.com/

Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/chillchildren

Instagram - @chillchildren

Any new Chill Children material we should keep an eye out for?

We always have new music from new artists dropping so definitely follow our instagram/twitter if you want to stay updated on it.

We're currently working on a phonk compilation with guys like DJ Yung Vamp, Genshin etc. It's gonna be crazy 🤯

Back to your solo releases through your alias Jetson. What made you want to start putting out your material alone? Also, do you have a favourite Jetson release?

I really felt like I had to release music solo to see what I could do.

I've learned so much about myself through that process, became more confident and a better musician.

Probably my favorite rap track I've made is called 'Escape'.

Not many people have heard it but it's on Spotify and other places.

My favorite beat I've made is probably 'dylan rieder'.

Have to ask, are you working on any new releases we should keep an ear out for? If so, what can we expect with your coming releases?

I just released an album on Bandcamp called THROWED TAPES which was really influenced by DJ screw and other phonk producers.

I'm working on a lofi R&B tape for Bandcamp, a lofi beat tape, and I really want to release a rap EP.

Who knows when those will come out though haha

Taking it back a little to your rapping again I have to mention "Milk". What inspires the words in this track?

Also please share the story behind your track "Melancholy"? The words are somewhat mesmerizing, thank you!

With milk, I just heard the beat from bsd.u and really wanted to make something weird that just followed the flow of the beat.

On melancholy I tried to think about what I was saying a little more. The instrumental is so introspective and smooth I knew I had to come correct on it.

THROWED TAPES By Jetson, released August, 27, 2020

Musical Recommendations?

junyii - emo the optimist - knxwledge - j cafe - jesse james solomon - the smiths - dj yung vamp - shuggie otis - hm surf - alicks - MIKE - baccyard - meraki soul - steve hiett I could go on for days though lol

Creatives to keep an eye out for in music and art? Takuroh Toyama (photography) Moebius (visual art) Steve Hiett (photography/music) Any Last Words?

It really trips me out that people enjoy something I love to do so much.

So just thank you for vibing with me, I have a lot more to share ✌️

Support Jetson here -

Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/highimjetson

Bandcamp - https://jetsonbumps.bandcamp.com/

Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/artist/2bkf2PmiVyfCqg2uzIFIqJ

Twitter - https://twitter.com/jetsonbumps

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/jetsonn/?hl=en

Milk by Jetson (Production by bsd.u)

[goldenswan]

Diary #2

Sunny morning and enjoyable coffee. Today was quite relaxing. No calls to ring, no big news to be rushed to me, no person in need of training. I've received some new gifts too. The one i am the most grateful is a beautiful set of oil colors. I've played with them during the day working on beautiful sunrise. Such a productive day made have such a good mood that i started preparing for the job a bit earlier this time. The dress for tonight was a long, close-fitting, backless dress made of with a deep blue velvet. Today i hade chosen a diamond necklace as my main accessory.

The bar opened like any other evening. People came and go. Jungwoo sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers, again, which only meant today is friday. I wish i've could more but i can't apreciate men like him. His effort is something to be admired. But until he will be able to be more upfront with his desire for me it won't work. Come here, show yourself in front of me if you truly want me to see you as a man, do not just hide behind small gifts, like any man i've just worked with. I wish for the time you will actually be able to do it, maybe you might be able to change my heart but curently you're just one of my admirers, nothing more, nothing less.

Anyway, the day still went its own way.

From the people i chitchat with to the ones i've eavesdropped from what i learnt it seems that the new drug which showed up on the blackmarket is actually more dangerous than it looked at the first sight. It spreads like a virus, and big dossages makes people lose sense of themselves for bigger amounts of time, some actually don't recall but there have been some acts of violence because of them. The addiction grows bigger too after each usage. We need a deeper investigation. Our bussinesses might suffer but also win from it, if we play it right. We might need to get the cooking recipe from the source itself. We will need a plan.

The night passed easily this time. No callamities this time. But even if they would have appeared I have a small protector this time. It's actually a cute feeling to have someone here, but still, not healthy at all for him. He doesn't even consume alcohol but he stayed and watched me for the whole night. I do understand the loneliness he has, i had it too. Living in an orphanage will always be harsh on a young mind. I let him sleep at my place from time to time, when he wants to talk, having my couch free, but still, he has his dorm room and friends of his age now. It was cute in the past but he shouldn't always just come to me. I don't want to break him. I feel flattered by him but still that's not how he should live. He's at the age where he should hang out more with his teammates, train with them and prepare for anything that might appear, maybe it's my fault for babying him too much when he first joined. Sorry Jisung, I need to be more cold and push you for a bit. It will hurt but it has to be done, towards many people around me, i can let only one person to rely on me, even with him i have doubts. But... how many times have i already wrote this but didn't actually put it into action. I've became too soft. I wonder, how much my past self would laugh seeing me like this. I can already hear the inflexions in her voice while calling me weak. In my voice, i am still her and she is me, i need to stop from putting boundaries to myself. But... It's still sad.

In the past I proclaimed myself as a man-eater, a cold woman who would stomp on any men that would show in my way, trying to lead me, fools that have been played. Now i desire more and more to belong in the heart of somebody, to truly be loved and love him too. Who is the fool now? Maybe i played myself or maybe this was always in my heart but only now i finnaly see it and admit it.

After all, look at you, the one who in the past woudn't even give a second chance of a man to talk to her now just as easily prepares the glass of wiskey to a man even before he reaches the club, even when you know it well he might not show up, again, just to jug it yourself when you have to close.

Open relationships are strange, i loved them in the past. They were the part that build my freedom mentality, but now i feel getting myself tangled with feellings that would only boast somebody's greed and ego. Getting all the attention i want, no need to actually give it back without a price or having any responsibility on anyone's feellings, flirting easily, getting any gift i wish just by pointing to it, thrill to step on a man heart, crushing him, only to give him a drop of hope after it, feeding the hungry eyes with my love but only by my rules, having a new expensive dress each night, i was living for these in the past. Now? I'm not sure anymore if this lifestyle.

Maybe i got old or got out of shape that i don't enjoy it as before, the wiskey glasses seems too get more sweeter too each time i drink another one of his, or maybe it's cause i use his glass, a small indirect kiss. How funny, only a teen would feel so naive at heart to dream like that, but this is my first time actually experiencing, ironic. Each piece of ice melts one day, maybe yours too will happen at the right time with the right person.

Ah, the right time, when I close my eyes and just let the memomries play again and again in my head. Him coming to the bar. The hard day being seen in his tired eyes, making me want to hug him and take all that heaviness away. His hand going up to loose his tie while he takes the glass that was already waiting him with the other free hand. A small smirk taking shape on his face because of me reading his mind.

I liked that. Just to stare at him while the low soothing music plays in the background. The dim lights kinda painting his features, sculpting his face and becoming a breathtaking piece of art to my eyes. Everything dragging me closer to him, being tempted by his tainting eyes and small sparkles within them, just like losing track of the time by simply staring at the night sky, dark, silent, mysterious. I always wondered what new sercrets took place again in his heart. Making his eyes getting darker and darker each time i see him. I fear that light that keeps fading might really dissapear some day, or worse, i will just let myself be eaten by it, his own darkness, together with him, getting myself covered in his own black. Romantic but tragic too. Tempting myself to just forget and lose myself in him. I can still picture it right. My attention would fall easily on his hands. Taking his coat off, raising his shirt sleeves up. Seeing his beautiful neck and adam's apple dance each time he would take a gulp from the wiskey. A small sound leaving his beautifull lips, together with a deep breath exhaled, relieving any tension from his body. His eyes locking on mine while his hand is traveling easily through his hair. I take my time, letting myself be mesmerized by each part. Soon my eyes travel again to his hands, each small detail that is elegantly decorating them, each vein pulsating from his blood rushing, how many stories can he write on me with those.

My own hands wish they would be his while i caress myself, letting my imagination run wild. Traveling and hugging each side of my body. Wishing to melt again in his touch. Feeling a rougher grasp but also gentlier feather like glide. Hearing his growls playing sweetly in my ears while i feel each part of him tensing stronger and stronger, his chest rising and lowering in the same rythm with mine, never allowing to catch my breath, selfishly drowing each of my moan i wish to let out with his mouth. The highs and lows i fell fought until we got closer and closer, relivieng with eachother climax and getting deeper into our desire with each new session. Open towards each raw fantasy we had. Embracing each shade of color we would have had it hidden. I might have learned how to work my body the best way but it's been too long not to crave for his way of loving me. His kisses and moans, the passion and hunger that he is able to pour into me, making me forget about any other woman that shared his bed in his travels. Making me forget about any man that took out a bit of my loneliness while he was away. I crave you, i need to see you showing up late at night, to enjoy eachother's silence while we get through our work and simply sharing in each other eyes the desire that only this walls will know it after i close. To scream your name and hear you calling mine. Doyoung, i swear i hate myself for it, but after so long away, i cannot lie, i do miss you.

All of this, because of her. She changed a bit of me, she made me see the beauty of such love, whishing to have it my own, to feel through my whole, she changed all of us, and her accident even more after it. I still have sour taste in my mouth looking back at it.

The only thing i could actually do was to show my support, which i am faithfully still doing it for you, my beloved brother. Even though i know you've strayed away from the man you wanted to be. I know you are aware of it. I know you won't allow me or anyone to get you out of this hell. You only wish to be watched. You wish for everyone to see and experience the purifying fire you want to unleash. Taeyong, you might have supporters on this dream, but, why i feel this is only a mission fueled by the guilt and resentment, a guilt you should actually share it with us, so we can all grieve fully, so you can heal. Cause while i look to the story that you plan i only see an ugly ending. I know i should let you do it, but you leaving me, is a selfish thought that i would never want to happen. I will support you, but i will also be sure somebody will stop you. You need a wake up call. Has the promise you made for your grandfather been forgotten.

I need to go back to church, i can only pray for you. Pray for you that for each night you visit my place and let out all your cries of guilt and desperation burried deep indside it will be enough to just be with you. Going together through this, trying to lift a bit of your heavy cross, even if it will mean making mine push me harder to ground.

I need time, time to find the right solution to make you keep going until a new light will show at your end of tunnel. Please don't leave me so soon my dear brother. I love you too much to see you turning away. Hope my own cry will be heard one time by somebody and hope you will truly understand that what i will do, it will be for your own good. Until then, i will need to keep working and become stronger, for the two of us. I will bring it back that life, we will be like the old times, when we were together, playing family. I will keep you strong. This time i won't allow myself to be weak, to anyone, not even to the ones i love.

[africanfemalearchitects]

AFA Open- Chat Series with Tosin Oshinowo pt 1

Listen to the important advices and conversation shared in this IG Live conversation with @tosin.oshinowo about the practice, being a woman in the field to planning ahead your career.

Moderator: Today, we are chatting with Tosin Oshinowo a Nigerian architect, creative entrepreneur, public speaker and author. Find introductory background on Tosin Oshinowo here.

Moderator: Tosin, you're welcome. Thank you so much for being here, and accepting our invite at the last minute.

Tosin: It's nice to physically see you. You've created an amazing platform. Well done! It's so important to create these converging spaces, you know; and finally to realize that you're not alone.

Moderator: Yes, definitely! That is one of the main reasons I'm going to keep it going; since it's connecting more than one person. Otherwise, this would be just a blog about architects, but it's becoming a hub, and a networking platform. Tosin, please, tell us a bit about yourself.

Tosin: My name's Tosin Oshinowo, I'm from Nigeria. I registered CmDesignAtelier in 2011, but I didn't start operations until 2012. Everyone approaches business very differently: some people have a clear game-plan from the very beginning; but I didn't have one yet. I had registered a company, but I was still working for another practice. I was still finding my feet; you know, that fear - 'Are you doing the right thing?' or 'Should I really be doing this or stay where I am?'. It did take me a while to step out; and even when I did, it took me a while to accept that I wasn't going back to work. At the time I set up my company, I was going through a few life changes, as well. I was looking for something that, I felt, that rooted a background I hadn't had in Academia with, and the work life. A lot of people do have that problem where they do big designs and all of a sudden, they get to the office and have to make it straight. Something contradictory to what I was taught in that utopian-ideal of design school that doesn't exist in real life. It's a surprise when I tell people this. I actually took a sabbatical year. Because I felt I was soul-searching more than anything. Moderator: That's important! Tosin: And I had a safety net, if it didn't work out; well, at least, I know I would have tried. As you're older, you also have responsibilities. You've things you've to do with money, it's not just to be happy with your job, so I needed that security. In looking for that, I created this safety net for myself. When I knew it was going to work, I went and told my boss; you know what, I'm not going to come back! But I had to be certain for myself, that the decisions I was making, were going to pay off. Moderator: That's wise. Funny thing though, you said you started your practice in 2011 - I think I was just entering university. Tosin: Haha aw, you just made me feel old! I think it's important to let people understand with everything in life- especially, with creative design and maybe not innovative business models to-do-with technology that makes you think everything must be quick, and easy to adapt with and to. With The principles behind technology and the people who are starting it: there are so much that goes in it. There might be something that first worked or didn't that led to another path. I think it's important to realize in life that everything is about picking your iceberg. There's so much that happens underneath the water line that shouldn't be underestimated as less important. It might not appear overtime to be of value, but I promise you it makes a massive difference.

I was talking with someone over the weekend. We just got featured in Wallpaper Architecture Issue, which is a big deal! I was telling the person that the building that was featured - I did it in a weekend! And he said; the years of training and practice is what allowed you to do in a weekend. It's not the fact that you did it in the weekend. Now when I think about it like that, that's a valid point. It's a combination of experiences, exposure, practice, labor, and time that allows it to happen in the weekend. Moderator: It's also passion-fueled, and perseverance within the field to even be able to allow yourself to go through that process and to reach this level. About your beginnings, what were the struggles and challenges when you were entering the market - in-between contractors, consultancy?

"It's important to have that safety net of working for someone to understand the nuances and the businesses and the market, that you're relating in..."

Tosin: It's a very wide question. That's why you have to have so many roads before you start. I worked in a firm for four years when I came back to Nigeria, before I set up on my own. I had met people. I didn't realize at the time, that's where I formed a network of people that I work with. I work with the same structural engineer ever since, unless if the client imposes one. I met him on a project, and he was working for a structural company at the time - so it's seamless; you grow with your network. The work we were doing has changed, but we have the same base, which I think is important. We met the QS then, the services consultants, etc - you learn how to maneuver your industry when you work for someone else; especially in Africa where things aren't straight forward. A lot of things are about relationships here. It's not like the yellow pages you can open and say, I need to find this person. It's important to have that safety net of working for someone to understand the nuances and the businesses and the market, that you're relating in; and the people you'll eventually work with; because we don't do this alone.

You grow with your network.

Of course, it was challenging starting business, and as a woman, I was then exposed to things that I was not exposed to when I was working for someone else. When you work for somebody else, most of the time, by the time the project gets to your desk as a project architect; any discussion in relationships with clients have been done. You literally get the design brief, and this is your client and you start your work. When you work for yourself, and you have to do those relationships discussions with clients: it's a completely different board-game. I'm not married, so people start saying silly things here and there - and you have to learn very quickly as a woman how to maneuver that space, without creating offense; because at the end of the day - business is about relationships; and people work with people who they like. If you come across as difficult, or stiff no matter how good you are, people won't gravitate towards you. But as a woman, you have to learn very quickly, how to ensure that you're not giving them an encouraging green light to misbehave. But you don't want to create an awkward tension that makes them think you're not easy-to-relate with. I don't know if this is the same anywhere else in the world, but I can say categorically for Nigeria, that people do not seem to understand a woman in work and a woman they're trying to have a relationship with. It is not the same thing! And people in this environment, because you're friendly and unapproachable; you're giving them the green light. I'm not giving you a green-light, I'm just trying to do my job. In The Chat: It's an African-thing! Moderator: Have you faced any form of discrimination in the field, and how did you deal with it?

you have to learn very quickly as a woman how to maneuver that space, without creating offense...

Tosin: Of course, we face discrimination everyday. To be Honest, I actually have not been assigned a project because I'm a woman; and somebody's wife was not comfortable, I mean what do you do? We all have our handicaps in life. So, I make sure I push boundaries. I don't think people do this consciously. It's not an intentional prejudice. But if a client is telling you, you're a pretty girl, and my wife is not going to be comfortable. So what am I going to do with that? Scar my face so that your wife doesn't worry? Haha, It's just the reality. I know that there are certain works I will not get, but the ones that I do get, I'll make sure that I do it well, and hopefully see that as a reference point, for people who are interested in that kind of work, will ask for my service.

Moderator: It doesn't matter which field you're in, as a woman that definitely happens. There's a job I had to cancel due to the same reasons. Tosin: It makes you wonder how many other opportunities have you not been told; because it's not a pleasant conversation to have. The irony that it is a woman causing another woman not to get work, for instance. It is what it is. There's no point in crying on work you don't get. Work that you get, you kill it! Just make sure that it counts, because you also know you have this potential handicap - where you might not have the same opportunities as your male colleague; so you make the best of your situation.

"It's just the reality. I know that there are certain works I will not get because I'm a woman..."

Moderator: Keep moving! In Nigeria, how does a young female graduate architect find a tribe or community? Tosin: For example, I was an awkward person, in the sense that I went to school in the UK, and I count how many people I knew who were black in the UK, or studying architecture less alone Nigerian. When I came back to Nigeria, I was a fish out the water - I didn't know anyone; but I worked in an office; whether intentionally or unintentionally; I built a network. There are people here, when they see me in that community they were surprised I didn't go to school in Nigeria: you have to be intentional! You have to seek people out! You have to befriend people. If you're looking for a community, you have to make that effort. In my case, I met the community through initial networks of working in a local practice and then, finding my feet and meeting people; and I grew from then. Now, I don't focus on my Nigerian community alone, I'm focusing on my global community, and make an intentional effort. Look at this interview, you told me, and I made sure that this is important, that I want to do this - that I'm building the network. I'm very intentional. Anyone who wants to get ahead, needs to be intentional. You have to learn how it works elsewhere, and you learn from these relationships. Things are not always the same, and other things are.

If you're looking for a community, you have to make that effort. Anyone who wants to get ahead, needs to be intentional. You have to learn how it works elsewhere.

Moderator: Everyone who is at the beginning of their career, currently, this is what we are struggling with. We have to push ourselves, be uncomfortable, and make those connections. Also, don't think just locally. There's a way with African Female Architects or outside of Africa, as an example, I hope we are going to create or find ways to reach out and connect with each other, work together and support each other. What is your perspective on African and local Architecture- in your country, and the practice ?

We were brought into modernism. Modernism was populated across the whole world not just in Africa, yes, in many terms it took the climate into consideration : modernism in Europe look absolutely different from Modernism in Tropical, to North and South Africa; and there are certain consistencies of modernism. But if we are looking for specific identities: I think we are just beginning.

To continue reading part 2

[leoninapelliolovesconchitawurst]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION (Mandy Pitulle)

FM4 INTERVIEW with TOM NEUWIRTH

https://radiothek.orf.at/podcasts/fm4/fm4-interview-podcast/fm4-interview-mit-tom-neuwirth

Queer visibility also plays a role in the life of Tom Neuwirth, also known as Conchita Wurst. Seven years ago he won the Eurovision Song Contest. In an interview with FM4, he tells us like it is to grow up as a gay boy and experience pride for the first time.

. "Hello Tom, nice to have you here." "Yes, hello, I'm happy to be here." "It's June and that's a very special month for many people. It's Pride month and for queer people it's Pride all year. How are you feeling with that? How is June for you?"

Tom: "It's very special, it's been relatively commercialized in the last few years, which makes it special in another way. It's more visibility than it used to be. Pride has always been" The place to be ", especially when I was 16 / 17. Oh God, that I am now at an age to be able to say that. It was suddenly possible to visibly live out our sexuality, even if it was just being there, to hold hands and to have a save space and to know "Nothing will happen to you". It might sound strange, but being able to be an LGBTIQ person out on the streets was not easy back then and is still not always easy now.

FM4:" On 19th, it is the Rainbow Parade in Vienna. Do you have plans?"

Tom: " Not really concrete plans, but since the lockdown has fallen, we all feel the need to go out and celebrate. That is why the spirit to celebrate that I feel has not necessarily to do with June, but also with the current situation. I will of course be there. After 1 1/2 years where you couldn't see a lot of people and queer visibility has not taken place, I think it is important that we go out to the streets together and maybe come back to the origins of Prides . We noticed that the pandemic was not good when it comes to questioning ways of thinking, to stand up for more equality and that is why it is important to go out "as fabulous as we can".

FM4:"Do you still remember your first Pride and your first rainbow parade? How did you feel and how old were you?

Tom: "At my first Pride, I was with my best friend, Flo. We were 14/15 and told everyone we were in Graz, but secretly drove to Vienna. We then went to trendy scene bars and the rainbow parade and it was the amazing feeling of not having to hide, to not have to expect people to talk bad to me or look at me for walking in the street with my boyfriend. It was an extreme feeling of freedom. It still is a little, I have to say. I always dismissed it when you kiss in public and then get harsh comments. “I couldn't care less.” ...But then you ask yourself “Does that have to be?” “Why do you have to put people in a situation that is uncomfortable in some way. "So this year I am a little more aware of why it is important to have a rainbow parade. The first memories ... it was just Heaven ..You danced, met new people every minute and made out on the dance floor. It was "everything you can ask for".

FM4: "Do you know how old you were?"

Tom:" At my first Pride kiss? 15....*mumbles*...14/15"

FM4: "Nice. You have certainly been to many Pride events. Have you ever been to Prides outside Austria in June?"

Tom: "If you're known in the queer community, people like to book you for Prides. That's how it was for me and it has increased exponentially since the Eurovision Song Contest. One of the most impressive Prides was Amsterdam when I was there for the first time. I didn't know it from Austria when you turn on the TV and the country's TV stations are flagged with rainbow flags and Pride is advertised in the mainstream. Then the canals and streets were full. The whole city celebrated this part of society. The kids were all painted with rainbow flags and these floats that drove through on the canals. It was extremely impressive. And I didn't know that from Austria. With the Europride, that changed. That was extremely cool. You really had the feeling that the whole city celebrated with us. I also think that Vienna has the potential to become a queer Hotspot. Barcelona and everywhere else too, but Vienna has such charm and courage. Vienna is so uncompromising. I love that. Uncompromising in any way and especially with this topic. I think that's cool. I would like it to get bigger in the next few years. It's Pride month and we have so much to offer. From queer history in all museums to theaters and clubs. Lectures, artists ... we talked about queer footballers today ... This city has so much potential.

FM4: You already gave the cue. Queer Visibility. Where does it start and where does it end?

Tom: "That has to be viewed individually. I think, a drag queen, for example, that is activism as soon as she steps out of the dressingroom. For me it is ... well I don't know. I've spent a lot of my life, pushing myself into the hetero norm and I don't do that anymore. So not at all anymore. I'm hysterical and loud and scream and laugh and talk to everyone and wear what I like. I've come to a point where I'm no longer afraid because you think “it has to be like that.” And that's where it starts with me. Everyone should start with themselves. Sometimes I find it difficult because I don't want to ask anybody, “Now be extra bad”. Everyone should be what he or she is. I express myself a lot ... Now I want to say, through my clothes, but that's not true. I'm just uncompromising and try to break the boundaries again and again and make people think. Yesterday we were on the Donaustrand and did a photo shoot wearing black lace underwear. The people who watched, the reactions differed. But they'd go home and say, "Well, I've seen something today ..." And they'd talk about it, it's the first step in a conversation.

FM4:"This month is Pride month. Do you remember the first time you were proud of yourself? That you "owned your space"

Tom: "I think that was already at the first Pride events. Although I still have it. Pride means to me .. that's a power. When many people work together towards one goal. Or something in common ... It has so much power. You are not alone as an individual, you are among so many like-minded people where you have the feeling "I breathe". The visibility. That makes us strong against everything queer people struggle with."

FM4: "You already talked about Vienna. You have been living in Vienna for a long time. But you grew up somewhere else, in Bad Mitterndorf. I checked, it has about 5000 residents."

Tom: "They have grown."

FM4: "How was it for you to grow up as a queer person in the country?"

Tom: "It was a bit ambivalent, I never really held back in my being. I often heard from my mother" You can't wear that now. You can't wear a dirndl or a first communion dress, none of that works. "But I'd always found my ways to portray myself and just did what I felt". On one hand, I totally demanded it, but on on the other hand, it was bad for me to get the attention because it wasn't positive. My parents run an Restaurant and they were a bit dependent on the opinions of their guests. They don't think like that anymore. I am happy about that. To do everything right for everyone is simply not possible. It was this duality of "I am there" and "It hurts" when you are insulted, laughed at. And so many queer people feel like that. And you ask yourself "Why?" For example, if it's a child and the adults react like that. You think "Get yourself together."

FM4: "You said there were painful things. What helped you?"

Tom: "Definitely my friends, but I also loved to go to the attic. I never wanted to work, there were too many people and too close for me ... I told my mother." I'll sew every button on you, but please don't let me work in service." And then I fled to the attic and did everything there. Drew, sewed, danced, sang. I sang out loud because nobody heard it. My Idol: Celine Dion ... high and loud. Of course I had to train that first. Yes, me and my friends. It was always my safe place. It is still like that today.

FM4: "That is also very important to have."

Tom: "I'm also very grateful that I can feel myself and enjoy myself ... not in all situations ... that I can love myself. And I have fun with myself.

FM4: Many queer people have queer role models. That help even in difficult times. Did you have someone there too?

Tom: "The first time to hear" I will always love you "was eye-opening. And the first time to hear" My heart will go on ", I think it was my" queer wakening "and comforting. Power balades, the 90s. .. then I could shout it out. That's why maybe I can let myself go so well when I sing emotionally. Because that was always my outlet and still is today. If I don't sing for a long time, it's still like that today. ..I'm in a bad mood and singing, the bad mood is gone. Singing does something to us ... it's like jumping. You have to grin and get in a good mood.

FM4: When we talk about Conchita Wurst, we also talk about identities and breaking the binary system, which has stood in our way for billions of years. You also show that identities can be fluid and can change and can be many things. Can you still remember when you let Conchita "wake up"? And maybe also when you first appeared as Conchita?

Tom: "The first time was ... now I forgot the club, but it was with the Saloon Kitty Revue. Kitty Willenbruch is one of the most famous burlesque dancers in Austria and I was out in drag once and moderated something. She was in the audience and then asked me whether I would like to present the revue. At that time it was every week, I think, and I said “Yes, I would love to.” And then thought to myself that I shouldn't shave. I look like 12 without beard. I let my beard grow and then the day of the revue came. I love to entertain the audience. I think that's my greatest talent. To be able to let go on stage. First was Starmania, then I finished school, and it was basically my first show business experience again. That's when I noticed. Despite all the worry about whether you can make a living from it, I want to go this way.

FM4: "When you think about your queer future, where are you going? What should change?"

Tom: "It would be nice if at some point no one asks the question," Are you into boys? "Because I think, or in my circle of friends, we sometimes also discuss that. We are just gay and that is totally one-sided and totally restricts you. What if I miss the love of my life, which is a woman. It would be nice if the understanding of the world goes so far that it just doesn't matter. Then we would all be Queer, which we all actually are.

FM4: "A good final word. Thanks Tom."