#i should probably journal about this instead but i even feel bad writing bad things in there when it's been positive things for so long lol

[asavapatr]

🫠

[haikyu-mp4]

Yoga partner

word count; 667 – pregnant!reader

You were a few months pregnant and every time you felt like you were adjusting to the size of your bump, it seemed to get bigger. When you found out you were pregnant, your husband, Bokuto Koutarou, had been moved to tears and there was no lack of support from him so far through the pregnancy. That’s why you weren’t afraid to communicate your troubles to him as they started plaguing your mind.

As it got more difficult to adjust to your body changing, the two of you sat down to research pregnancy activities. And then Koutarou got bored of researching, so he ended up asking someone on the team who had kids instead.

That’s how he learnt about pregnancy yoga. There were classes specifically for pregnant women, and in his excitement, Koutarou had signed you up and encouraged you to go. However, now he was looking at you with a subtle pout as you leaned on the kitchen island, not feeling as sporty as you wished you did.

“I don’t want to go. What if all the others are used to it and do super well while I can barely do anything?” you complained, pouting right back at him. This made him huff, resting his arms on his hips. Then his eyes lit up again. Oh no, an idea.

“Maybe I should go with you!”

Next thing you knew, Koutarou was helping you out of the car, adorned in the gym wear he had that most resembled yours in colour. You were laughing softly, holding his hand as he babbled about how excited he was.

When you walked inside, your laughter died down as you scanned the room. A lot of moms-to-be were staring cautiously, first at you and then at your husband who smiled and waved. You felt the anxiety creep back into you as you whispered your husband's name to alert him, but he took no notice.

“Hello, ladies! Ready for a good workout?” he called out, and it didn’t take long before the moms melted for his personality (and looks probably, but you tried to ignore that for now). In the end, he wasn’t allowed inside the class because of the women's comfort, but he gave everyone encouraging high fives while the trainer led them inside the little gym. Before closing the door behind you as you were last, you turned to him and pulled his shirt down so you could kiss him fiercely.

“That’s for being such a perfect man. I’ll see you in an hour.”

Koutarou was thrilled to see the glow back in your cheeks when you came back out. He had gone for a jog around the neighbourhood but made sure he was back before you finished. When you walked out of the class, you were conversing happily with another woman before bidding her goodbye. You made new friends! Even though you were still shy, you had asked to exchange numbers.

All of this was possible because your husband encouraged and supported you. You truly were blessed to have him and he reminded you every day how lucky you were through this constant support.

Now you even bring him into the living room at least once a week so the two of you can do pregnancy yoga by following some videos you found on YouTube. It’s great fun and Koutarou proudly documents it in the workout journal they fill out for their trainer.

7 pm Pregnancy yoga

Iwaizumi tilted his head at him curiously after looking over this month’s notes. “You’re not supposed to write your wife’s workouts.”

“We’re doing them at home now, too. Feel like it’s doing great things for my bum,” he answered, one hand on each asscheek for emphasis. Iwaizumi already regretted asking about it. Atsumu slapped one of Koutarou's hands off from behind him before staring at his butt and humming.

“Not bad. Maybe we should all do it.”

To say the least, Koutarou is very dedicated to being with you every step of the way.

masterlist

[lil-annonie]

0UT LIKE A LIGHT. —SATORU GOJO.

SYNOPSIS. Realization truly hit you hard. Only a shame it didn't hit him to realize the damage he's done.

CW. Modern!au. CEO!Gojo.

WC. 1688

A/N. I need sleep. Why is there sigma in my maths. No actually, STATISTICS. wgat the fuck is taht n why am I looking for SIGMA. 😞 I might actually fail this quarter cause I've failed almost every quiz, though my performances are PEAK. But ugh im not gonna be an honor student oh god. Ion wanna get smacked n get my door n phone taken away ugh 😣 update. there is no phone to get cause..heh..i broke it

What good is a luxurious estate for two if he never comes home?

All you can do to feel closure is to lay on the king sized bed and reminisce what it feels like to lay and be with him again.

But reminiscing isn't the right word. You can't deny that the majority of times like these all you really try to do is to try and remember what it feels.

It's not like Gojo left you. You don't think he has plans on leaving you; after all, he does drain and drown himself with work for his family. For you.

But then again.

What good is spoiling you if he isn't even there to accompany you in buying things and having fun? You feel guilty for being so ungrateful.

Poor Gojo is only doing what he has to. He has heavier weights on his shoulders than you ever will! You should be happy you can go wherever you want whenever you want instead of having to balance a big corporation by a big clan and a relationship, unlike him.

But he himself isn't balancing it all too well.

.

..

...

You just miss your husband. You're not trying to be a brat. It's not your fault you think he needs to spend a little more time with you.

...

Whining about your problems in your own mind won't help. It'll probably make it worse.

You realize every problem would all just water down to the same question,

"What good?"

What good is spending countless date nights together surrounded by art materials, you and him work and make memories while making a love journal,

"Satoru, that's too much supplies!" You scold your partner. The sight of him carrying two bags full of art materials making you concerned about how much money he spent on such silly things. He laughs at your reaction, taking your hand and walking in your dorm and to your room, setting the bags down on the fluffy carpet beside your bed.

"Nothing to worry about, sweets. Money is the least of poor worries." Gojo assures you, sitting down and pulling you next to him. "C'mon now, let's start making the journal already! I've been waiting for this moment for ages! "

Only for him to never engage in any dates you, or even himself had planned?

"Evenin' Toru... Are you free for tonight? You know we have a date. Ev'n marked it on our calendar, you know." Another sent right to the voicemail. It's the 5th one by now. It's well past the time of your reservation yet you still hope. One last time. One more try before you give up and change out of your clothes and pull out wine.

"If you can't come it's.. Alright. I—.. We can still plan another one anytime, like you said the last time. And the last. Before that, too—.. Ah, forget it. I'm sorry for sounding mad. Uh, please just. Uhm. Don't drown yourself with work, Satoru. It's bad for you." For us. "Goodnight, 'Toru. Wake me up if you come back or uh.. Text me if you can't. Bye. I love you."

What good were the long early morning walks with your hands holding, fingers intertwined as you and him walk over to a café to grab coffee (Gojo gets hot chocolate instead, disliking the bitter taste of coffee.) And take a seat at the park yapping each other's ears off as you both make a bucket list, sharing a pen and writing down your dreams in the love journal both of you created,

After Gojo finishes writing down what he wants to do with you and adding it on the bucket list, you take the pen he was offering and write down yours. Your eyes scan the almost-filled bucket list and end up in the latest one Gojo wrote. "♡Start a family!♡" in bold letters with hearts and rainbows all around the words.

"Really planning ahead huh, 'Toru?" You huff out a laugh and look at him, the faint blush he has makes you want to attack his cheeks with kisses. "With all those hearts too!"

"You can't tell me you haven't thought of it." He fights back. But he's right..you really can't tell him that. "With you, I wouldn't mind starting a family." "Awh. Come on, sweets.. Give me a clear answer!" "Okay, okay! Yes. I do want to start a family with you, better?"

"Imagine what our child would look like, I wonder whose hair color they would get.. Can't I just br—" with already a blushing face, you get more red. "Satoru! We're in college and in public. You can't just blurt that out!"

If he doesn't even make time from the both of you to cross out at least one word in the list?

Though it's pathetic, you still hold the feeling of nostalgia. Your prime. Yours and his prime, when you were the couple of the campus. You hold those memories dearly.

You wouldn't mind rummaging through the old boxes on the very corners of the attic to find something to hold on to. No matter how much dust, insects, and heat tries to go to you, you will do it for the journal.

So you do.

After an hour or two did you finally find it. Old and dusty, but still in pretty good shape for a book that stayed in such a place for such a time.

You get jumped by the first page of the journal.

"Bucket list! <3"

the list went on. It filled the whole page. Front to back, even. From "Bahamas!" To "try every damn fast food restaurant fry."

Each word came with a good remembrance of the times you or him wrote the words down, each little memory having it's own adorable conversation between you two.

But each word forced you to remember each rejected and ignored plan you had and shared with your dear Satoru.

"They called me for a meeting. I'm busy."

"Please, sweets. You know how hard it is for me to get a day off."

"I'm tired."

Excuses on and on and on. He knows those excuses don't make you any less sad, yet he still does it. Does he do it to spite you and your pathetic attempts? Does he know how cruel he is? Trying to slip and dodge every piece of affection thrown at him. As if being neglected by your own lover isn't bad enough!

What good are passing those old crumpled papers the both of you passed to each other way back in highschool, old papers filled with little names for your future children, even a whole reason about the name,

Expecting Satoru to pass you the paper back with a reply, he instead puts it under his notebook and pulls out another piece of paper, scribbling something out with big letters before covering your view with another book of his. Huh, weeirrrddd.

A few minutes later, he grabs your attention by nudging his boot against your sandal under the table, sliding the paper to you when you give him a glance.

"NAMEZZ! 𖤐𖨆"

• nouitzki. Nowitzki?? Idk

➥ sounds rich asf. Matching name = status righhhtt?? keh heh. :p

You look at him again, and he looks at you. He looks genuine. The way Gojo looks while he waits for you to write something down, his body nearly facing yours as he rests his face on his palm. Mouthing out a "c'mon.." with a smile on his face.

if sleeping with him in the same room without his call ringtone disturbing him and you every three seconds is such a rare event?

Why does he keep prioritizing such useless calls from whoever the fuck politician, celebrity, or another nepo baby is calling?

"Satoru... r' they calling again? It looks so dark outside n' late.. Can't they take a break.." You groan as your eyes still try to get used to the light from the sudden open lamp, you feel your lover hug you tightly and kiss your forehead before he sighs. "Yes, sweets, they are.. M' sorry."

Gojo sounds like he dreads responding to the caller. He is. He keeps his arms tight around you and his lips on your skin, letting the ringtone go off for a few seconds before carefully sitting up and reaching for his vibrating phone.

You don't bother listening in the conversation after that and continue sleeping, only waking up when you feel his lips against your forehead again, whispering apologies before walking out the room.

You want to remind him about the words that came out of his lying little mouth just a few hours ago, about how he'll stay till sunrise, but you know he's also tired and telling him that will just make him feel like shit. So you don't. You still love him, after all.

..

... Yeah.

back then, people noticing his absence whenever you went to events or parties alone felt good, the thought of your acquaintances expecting you with him or vice versa gives you the feeling of bliss.

but now.. oh wow.

everywhere you go, questions bringing up your husband's absence would endlessly haunt you. sure hurts like a bitch.

how cruel it is to actually know by experience that bullshit as simple as a family corporation can break love you thought only death could break apart.

you cant do this anymore.

Gojo doesn't completely try to ignore you, but you realize the more you and him aren't together, the more the relationship feels like downgrading to a simple friendship.

its not just his ignorance, no.

As time passes by he becomes a complete stranger.

the mutual interests you both loved would fade, and he would pour his stress on you. though not screaming matches, fortunately, it was words that were equipped with armour and swords, aiming straight to the heart.

you make a plan instead.

if he loves leaving you behind without notice, you would to.

fuck a letter.

maybe someday he would get back to his senses, maybe one day you and him would meet again.

A/N. Chat I accidentally posted this twice instead of saving it as draft. Am I cooked 😞also im so sorry if there are any repeated like situations n stuff i do not beta read n i dont have time to see errors oh and the ending was rushed. i do not know how to end a story im sorry also ts ws started on oct 2. ive put all tears and sweat and blood to keep continuing

[millieisawriter]

Stitch you up

arthur morgan x reader

summary: a fanfiction where arthur finds your own journal where you wrote about him

wc: 1.2k

english isn't my first language

♡this wasn't requested, but if you wish to request something you're more than welcome♡

all pics are from pinterest

You had joined the gang recently, and immediately noticed him. Arthur Morgan. The big, bad mystery of a man. Soon enough you learnt that he had a past more wounded than anyone you've ever known, and you wanted to help him.

God, you wanted to help him so badly, stitch up the wounds he hid from everyone else, light up his darkness even at the cost of your own light. But you didn't know scaring the shadows away won't be easy. It was as if he didn't let you do it, scared it will break you. Little did he know, the rejection hurt you like a gentle hammer to the heart.

You could be a bit scatterbrained at times. Like that one time when you left your journal god knows where. Writing down your thoughts always seemed to help you feel better, but now there was a risk someone could find it and read it.

Arthur never planned on finding your journal, nor had he intended to read it. He saw it abandoned by the tree where you often sat alone in the evenings, writing while the others laughed and drank by the fire. His hand hovered over it, hesitating. He knew he should leave it be, or better - return it, but curiosity twisted tight in his chest.

Your handwriting was delicate but hurried, with little mistakes probably caused by you glancing around from time to time, checking if no one is looking into the journal over your shoulder. Arthur knew he shouldn't look where he didn't belong. But he kept flipping, kept glancing over the words like he was pulled by a higher force.

Until that one page...

I tried to stitch you up with thread from my own skin, thought maybe my bones could be your bandages. I couldn't fix you and broke myself in the process. But you stay empty and I stay broken, a ruined sacrifice for a love that never wanted saving.

Arthur stared at the words, re-reading them a few times. He felt it in his core, even if no name was mentioned, he knew well who you wrote about. Too well.

His heart was thudding when he shut the journal closed. He had known you had a thing for him, but he thought it's just an infatuation that will eventually pass. Now it turned out your feelings ran deep.

He searched for you, intending to give back the journal as if nothing happened, as if he hadn't read a single word. But from the panic in your eyes, even if the rest of your body tried to remain calm, he knew that you knew.

"I uh... found this by the tree," he muttered, helding the little journal out to you.

You took it, your gaze dropping to the ground in embarrassment, and instead of thanking the man, you said, "I'm sorry."

Arthur looked away, swallowing his words. He should be the one apologizing. You did nothing wrong, developing feelings wasn't your fault. Reading your journal, however, was Arthur's choice.

"Nothin' to be sorry for," he managed to say, "I shouldn't have read it. I– I don't know why I did."

He didn't meet your gaze. Instead, now he was the one looking at the ground. As if he wanted to dig a hole and dug all his guilt and embarrassment there.

"I didn't mean for anybody to see this," you still felt the need to explain yourself, "I know what I wrote must seem so foolish to you."

He shook his head and finally looked at you, "Ain't foolish. Just... I ain't the man for you. Truth be told, I ain't the man for anyone."

That was exactly what you wished to prove him wrong. You wanted him to believe he could be loved. He was worth it, even if he couldn't see it. You wanted to make him see it.

"Says who?" You asked.

He sighed.

It was his concious decision. Nobody had to tell him. He knew he can't be a bad man and expect good things to happen to him. The past had told him enough.

"Says me," he muttered eventually, "I know what I am, I know what I've done. You, on the other hand, you–"

You interrupted him, "Don't give me that, Arthur. I know what you are, too. And so what of it? You're not a bad man, you're just... broken."

"And I won't burden you with fixin' me. Don't do this to yourself, don't go gettin' hurt over someone like me."

"What if I want to be burdened with it?"

That was foolish, way too foolish, to love someone for such a short period of time, but the feeling for some reason so strong you wanted to be their bandage, their stitches, their cure. It didn't make sense, but has love ever made sense?

But, damn it, Arthur would be lying if he said he didn't want it. He had lied so many times already, saying he doesn't feel the same, but his heart ached for you. He wished he could touch you, kiss you, feel you, fully convinced it could fix him so easily.

"We're both fools," he said, his eyes meeting yours and in them you could see the truth. He could reject you as many times as he'd like, but his eyes were longing for you in ways you wished for.

"Maybe," you agreed, your lips curling into a sad smile, "but if being a fool means having the chance to love you... then I'll gladly be one."

Not letting you love him was what broke you, but he was scared letting you do it, would be even worse. But this time, he didn't pull away when you moved closer to him.

Maybe in his eyes, he wasn't worthy of you, of your feelings, of being fixed, of any of what you were willing to give him. But in yours... he was worthy of way more than what this life could offer.

You reached up, your palm landing on his jaw, the stubble nicely tickling your soft skin. This touch was something he longed for from the moment he knew you wanted him the way he wanted you. Your touch sent a weave of warmth through him, as if it had any healing powers.

He closed his eyes, partially because he couldn't quite bear the weight of his own feelings, and partially because he wanted to stay like this for as long as possible. To memorize your touch in case this will never happen again.

"We're both fools," he repeated, his eyes opening, and he gently took your wrist and moved your hand so that he could place a kiss on the back of it, "but if you're willin', then I reckon I am too."

There was just something about you that made this man feel like maybe misery isn't something he's sentenced to for the rest of his life. Maybe there was a flicker of hope, too. Maybe for once he could love and be loved in peace, if he tries to deserve it.

[badaziraphaletakes]

I have some questions

Hi... Aziraphale had no way of going to hell in search of Crowley??????

Oh wait that's not a question, that's a statement. Lol nvmind.

And how would Azi even get him back out? Stop blaming her for what the heaven/hell apparatus is doing to Crowley and to her. (Y'know what, I'm gonna be referring to Azi as "she/her" in this post, because we all deserve more of that. So deal with it.) Do you think she hasn't been racking her brains trying to think of a way to save Crowley ever since the Fall, and even before that?

Also - If Aziraphale went to hell and got stuck there, she'd probably be forced to torture people and that's not cool. (She probably wouldn't get a job on earth like Crowley.) Whereas there is no evidence whatsoever that Aziraphale has to actively do harm as part of her current role on earth. There are very good reasons Crowley doesn't want her to go to hell / become a demon / whatever. He doesn't want Aziraphale to suffer the same moral injury that he has.

Also also - Aziraphale mouths "Crowley" instead of screaming it because she knows it'll only get them both in more trouble if heaven/hell finds out they have an acquaintanceship, let alone that they care about each other. As an ab*se survivor, it's one of the most painful moments in the series for me, seeing Aziraphale distraught and having to hide it.

Azi mouthing "Crowley" while frantically trying to keep a straight face is the equivalent of Charles immediately trying to run after Edwin. It's arguably even more loving, I'd say. Aziraphale loves Crowley so much that she saw her worst nightmare come true (or rather, didn't see it? you know what I mean lol) and still managed to keep her "We don't know each other" mask more or less intact. Utterly devastating. This was the ultimate test of her love for Crowley, and she passed it.

*** Side note: If Aziraphale behaved the way fans want to demand she behave, hell would have killed Crowley so many times already lmao. And then of course the fans would be blaming her for that instead. << Babygirl can't win. She's damned (ha) if she does and damned if she doesn't. ***

You can see the horror and terror and devastation in her eyes.

Here's a really good post about it:

But even if we didn't have that glimpse of her face at that moment... FUCK thinking Aziraphale wasn't worried about Crowley then. There is literally NO reason to assume she wasn't upset about seeing him dragged to hell to presumably be killed. (And yes, Azi knew hell was ab*sive and violent to Crowley, even back then. I'd argue she's known since NLT Uz. After all, she knows Crowley didn't "kill" the goats and the kids because he wanted to. She knows it was because hell made him do it.)

Also also also: She literally did go to hell to save Crowley, later on?

And wtf is wrong with what she wrote in her diary? "That was the last I was to see of Crowley for some time" is (so far as we know) a factual statement. She's writing about an upsetting experience. Journaling is a healthy coping technique. But apparently that's bad now lmao. (Not to mention there were so many things about that diary entry that were so blatantly weird that it's clear we can't take anything about Aziraphale's journals at face value anyway. But I guess we're just ignoring that.)

OH AND ONE MORE THING! That's "husband" or "wife" or "spouse" to you, not "friend"!

[bobbin-buckley]

Cairo Sweet Comfort Headcanons

Cairo Sweet x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Angst, fluff, comfort, Cairo being manipulative, mentions of writing porn, R being sad, Mr. Miller

Requested

(This kinda became more of a Drabble than headcanons but it is a list of how she comforts reader)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cairo may have always been mean. Mean to anyone infact. But she never tries to be mean to you.

-For the longest time Cairo denied her feelings for you, saying they were wrong and that she was confused.

-Her feelings for you wouldn’t go away though, she pushed you away at a young age and you came back with a massive glow up. She fell even harder. Her new best friend Winnie tells her maybe you are the one instead of her professor, Mr. Miller.

-Ever since Mr. Miller brought up a madman’s love she’s been fascinated by how he described it. She felt things for him then. Winnie urged it on with how a older man’s pride is his sex, how he takes virginity well. It corrupted Cairo.

-You on the other hand, we’re jealous and disgusted at this. Irritated some old guy could manage to make her be so obsessed. You’re irritants caught Cairo’s eye, seeing how you’d challenge Miller during his lectures or how you’d send glares at him.

-Besides this. After all this, Cairo was certainly confused. She came to you, crying and claimed she wanted you. She needed you after Miller rejected her. Even if she lied to you and maybe even used you, you still took her back into your arms.

-Along the lines of becoming girlfriends, she’s been good about giving you the affection you should receive in a relationship. She tries to make you feel loved and cared for while you do the same for her

-There are moments where she just can’t take it anymore and bursts her anger out at you, calling you names, insulting you, making you feel bad about being with her

-It breaks your heart when she acts like this, though you let it slide most days when she does apologize. Which is rare…sadly

-As you being a wonderful girlfriend you’re always there for her. Giving her the chance to be in your open arms if she needs it, and she does come to you sometimes.

-She has a hard time opening up, too. She’s never really talked about herself, how she likes life, how she feels mentally and physically, or about her parents. Yet she’s opened that up to someone who didn’t even want her, Miller of all people. It made you rage.

-Although you gave Cairo time to talk to you, respected what was meant to be kept hidden. One thing that bothered you is that she’d always be in that journal of hers, writing god knows what. More porn? More fantasies with Miller? Talking shit about you? You never know and are afraid to ask

-Cairo is also a scary person. She’s always terrified you, even as a kid. Her threats always become real, she’s incredibly manipulative and can destroy you in a week. You prefer to keep off her bad side.

-One time you angered her so much she combusted and threatens she’d harm you. Physically too. It never happened luckily, that just says how much she cares for you without you even knowing it.

-And Cairo, could never ever ever harm you physically. Mentally, yeah probably. She can be selfish at times. But she never will hurt you physically, it would break her heart if she ever laid a hand on you.

-Let’s get into that category. If Cairo ever did harm you physically, wether it was a slap across the face, a shove or maybe even a punch. She’d have so much regret right after.

-There was a time she wasn’t having it. She slapped you, and dear god did it hurt. Left a red mark on your left cheek, making you hold back tears because you didn’t want to seem like a baby in front of her.

-“Wait, my love I didn’t mean it. I swear I didn’t mean it.” She’d say immediately after she’d regret it. Kissing you on the head if you let her, caressing the spot she smacked gently. She’s lay down with you and kiss you all over, explaining why she did that.

-She wouldn’t let harming you slide by her, ever.

-Now Mentally. It hurts, it honestly hurts worse being hurt on the inside rather than the outside sometimes. With Cairo having that ability to make someone so upset, it can hurt real bad. She broke Winnie’s heart, real bad. And if she did it to you it’d take time for her to regret it, depending on what you did or how she feels

-When you we’re both younger, she pushed you away because of her parents. They were strict, and when they had a fight with your parents they immediately blocked you out. But that didn’t stop you from seeing Cairo

-You went to her house, sneaking into her bedroom. She was found sobbing while trying to sleep, and it was late at night:

“Cairo?” You spoke above a whisper. She recognized your voice, sitting up as she looked over at you in shock. “What’re you doing here? My parents told you to stay away.” She cried, hiding her face. “And don’t look at me, I look awful.”

Cairo wasn’t an ugly crier at all, she just hated crying in front of people. “Cai, just because you’re parents push me away doesn’t mean I won’t stop seeing you.”

“Yeah well maybe that’s what’s best.”

Those words hit you like a truck going eighty miles per hour. Cairo never talked at you like that before, especially basically telling you to leave her. “But Cai, I can’t leave you. You’re my best friend, I love you.” You confessed. Though those words meant nothing to her then.

They do now

-Every time Cairo sees you with those glistening eyes, filled with tears she always thinks of that night. That night she told you to leave. To never come back. And it hurt her when you listened, but she never came to you when it hurt.

-Because that’s who she is, how she’s always been. She hated sharing her feelings, the only way she would share her feelings, is by making people suffer with her. That’s how she did it with Winnie, Mr. Miller. You.

“I don’t understand, why can’t you just talk to me?” You asked, standing in the middle of her bedroom.

“Because I don’t want you to know. It’s something I keep to myself.” She replied, her left hand holding her journal, and the other with a pen.

“But why? You can talk to me, if you don’t talk to me maybe counseling is better off to help you.” She scoffed at your words, she’d rather vent to a beetle than a therapist or a counselor.

“I write in my journal, that’s where my story goes.” Well that makes you relieved. She isn’t talking shit about you or writing about her fantasies with someone else.

“I understand, but I’m here for you. We’ve been together for six months, and I am still waiting to hear your voice even if it sounds broken when you speak.”

Cairo though to herself. She knew how much she was hurting you mentally by not talking to you, telling you she was either okay or not okay.

“If you can at least tell me if you are okay or not okay. That’s fine.” You pause, “I love you, Cairo. You’re the moon to my Saturn.” Tears were running down your face. “And it hurts, hurts knowing how I think I’m not good enough for you. If it’s my fault that you’re scared. I’m scared too, Cai.”

It was silent, but only for a moment.

“I’m sorry, Y/n.” Cairo sobbed, “I just don’t want to push you away. I love you too, I love you so much. And all the bad things I’ve done, have made me stop talking about them or my problems.”

-That very day Cairo opened up to you. You held her the entire time, comforting her, rubbing her back, kissing her tears away. Telling her it’s okay to not be okay. She talked to you slowly about things, only opening so much and you kept that respect.

-You gave her one big kiss after each session. You were her lover, her therapist, her best friend, her girlfriend, her future wife, her everything. She loves you. But sometimes love is hard to show when you’ve had a broken heart for quite some time.

-Most nights were kept peaceful, sad, private and loving. Wether it’d end with promise kisses or making love.

-Her comfort is nothing but a song that started as a melody and become stronger as you promise to be there for her. As well as she’d return it.

-Maybe replace that all with a madwoman’s love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really hope this is good because I felt like I did fast, I even reread it over and over to make sure I got everything I could possibly put in 😭

But I was also emotional making this, I got way to into it

I also had more time than I thought I would lmao

@btbubuini

[yanderecrazysie]

Curiosity (Yandere Tsukishima)

This was a Quotev request!

Title: Curiosity

Pairings: Tsukishima Kei x Reader

WARNINGS: Yandere themes, swearing, suggestive themes, non-consensual touching, seriously creepy vibes from Tsukishima

Summary: Tsukishima seems like a normal guy, except that he’s always writing in that journal of his. When you decide to see what he’s up to, you learn that he’s anything but normal.

curiosity

/noun/

a strong desire to know or learn something:

 DAY 1

It’s the first day of school again. (Y/n) looked beautiful as ever today, I missed seeing her in her school uniform. Of course, I’ve been following her around town over the summer, but I missed seeing her in a skirt. This is the last year I see that until I make a move, as I doubt she’ll wear skirts to university.

I’ll do my best to draw what she looks like, since this is a special occasion, but there’s no way my art can do her justice.

Tsukishima Kei was a quiet guy, which, you supposed, was common for smart kids. You hadn’t known him well throughout high school and you doubted you’d have much time to get to know him, since the end of your third and final year was nearly upon you both.

One interesting thing you always noticed is that he was always writing in a journal of sorts, sometimes sketching away in it instead of writing.

You always wondered what it said.

DAY 17

(Y/n) smiled and waved at me today. She does that to everyone, I know, but I couldn’t breathe when she turned her divine attention on me! I felt like, even for a second, I had her undivided attention! I’d do anything, ANYTHING to get that on me again. I’d fucking kill everyone she knows if that means she’ll look at me and only me.

Tsukishima always gave you the distinct vibe that he wanted a friend, especially after his only friend moved away last year, but that he didn’t know how to approach anyone. You sensed a sort of longing when he looked at you and you wondered if your friendliness appealed to his loneliness. Perhaps he was awkward or shy?

You felt bad that you hadn’t had time to talk to him, but life really was just too busy. You always tried to be friendly when you passed him in the halls or made eye contact. 

It was the least you could do.

DAY 33

I love (Y/n) so much that I was willing to dig around in her trash can to find that lip gloss she’d thrown away. How many guys would do THAT for their girlfriends? She only wore it a few times since she didn’t like it very much, but that just meant I had so much of something her precious lips had touched.

I felt like I was in heaven putting it on- like I was kissing her! I had dreams about doing just that and I woke up feeling happier and more refreshed than I had been all year. I need more.

You’d always felt like someone was following you and like your things were disappearing, but you wrote those feelings off as paranoia. Maybe you should take those things seriously, but who had time for that? You were on the student council, an honor student, and preparing for college.

Why didn’t you see the red flags?

Were you really so colorblind?

DAY 52

I went to her house and climbed in through the window. Thank goodness she’s on the first floor.

I went straight to her bed and just laid on it and inhaled her scent from the pillows and blankets. She’s on vacation and I miss her so much, so I really couldn’t help doing all this. It’s her fault for leaving me.

I wonder if she wants our room to look like this or if she has a better one in mind. I’m not a fan of the color but, if she likes it, who am I to disagree? I just want her to be healthy and happy with me. I’ll make her.

You were a naturally curious person. That’s probably why you did so well in school- you had a thirst for knowing why and how that many people your age didn’t care for. You never just wanted to accept things without an explanation. Better to be informed.

Sometimes you were called nosy or told to mind your own business, but you couldn’t help it. You also had a bad habit of eavesdropping and “investigating” on your own. You’d do great in a Nancy Drew book, but it annoyed real-life people.

It’s really no surprise that, when you went to grab Tsukishima’s left-behind notebook, you couldn’t stop yourself from peeking inside and reading some of the entries and looking at the drawings.

DAY 82

I peeked through her window at just the right time and caught her getting undressed for a shower! I think I’ve died and gone to heaven. Words can’t describe the experience, so I’ll draw what she looked like instead:

You felt sick. For once, you wished, desperately, that your curiosity was nonexistent. If you could take back everything you’d seen in the last few minutes, you would.

You’d just go off to university, blissfully unaware, and never see that freak ever again. How could he write and draw such things? How could he violate your privacy like that? How dare he-

“You read it, didn’t you?”

The empty classroom went so silent you could hear a pin drop. Your horror felt like metal weighing down your stomach and throat. You couldn’t swallow, you couldn’t breathe.

Tsukishima was right behind you, inching closer each moment, but you couldn’t hope to turn around or run away. You were petrified, rooted in place like you were a statue. A statue with wide eyes and terror etched into your features.

You wanted to claim you hadn’t but the journal was still open in your hands, opened up to a disgusting drawing of yourself and your eyes couldn’t tear themselves away from it. Even if you wanted to futilely make up an excuse, your mouth wouldn’t form the words. You couldn’t so much as squeak.

As he stands directly behind you, his hands caress your waist, finger pads sinking deep into the flesh through your shirt. You shudder in disgust, but that’s the most movement your body can even make.

Even as his fingers dance at the hem of your shirt, daringly searching upwards against bare skin, you can’t move or make a sound. You wished you were a fight or flee kind of person and not a freeze.

You feel his lips brush against your earlobe and you violently shudder as he speaks into your ear a few chilling words.

“Don’t you know what curiosity did to the cat?”

[lefluoritesys]

My sibling in system (disorder holder & fictive) really wants me to do this post, but they barely have any words, so here we go:

We see a lot of systems struggle with big decision-making IRL because not everybody is on board, and we realized that trying to have everybody on board is probably the worst thing we have ever tried in the history of our systemhood. And I'm saying this as the alter who also dug too deep into our trauma and almost became Elsa in the depths Ahtohallan. Moreover, we're also polyfragmented. After a long and painful time of trying to figure our decision-making as a system, we have finally come up with some tips that might be useful for some other systems:

Ask your active fronters instead of all your alters. This might work best for polyfragmented systems but still works for smaller systems, too. Yes, active fronters and frequent fronters can change after a while, but it's still better to do what's best for you all npw and what you all want now than think about the possibilities of the future that haven't happened yet. Unless they are like life and death or extremely harmful to y'all, however, it's always necessary to take precautions.

Compromise is not supposed to please everybody 100%. Compromise is supposed to find a solution that 1) You all don't hate as much, 2) Will keep you safe. As long as others agree by at least 50%, the compromise is good. If you find other options, and they please everybody more, then by all means, go for it. But as long as it's safe, and all of you agree by at least a half (or, well, 50%), then that's a good compromise. Perfect solutions don't exist. Not always, at least. At the end of the day, you will still disagree with each other on little things, even if the plan feels and/or is perfect.

Your system structure, ideology, and hierarchy really do decide how you make decisions. There is literally no perfect advice for you out there, not even this post. Some systems have a host, and everything heavily depends on their decisions and how they are affected by what's going to happen. Some systems don't have a host but have a group of people at front who are in charge. Some systems are partial DID systems, some systems are class systems. It's always going to be different. Just because some tips work for some systems doesn't mean they should absolutely work for you.

Create polls if they work for you. Polls might work. Grab a system journal and tell everyone there's an active poll and get their answers (Simply Plural provides that option).

Writing a list of wants and desires. Your alters has a dream? Have them right it down (with consent) and consider it in your next big decision. Or just a decision. Maybe your alter wants chips, and you go out the next day, so you're like, "Oh yeah, lemme buy chips on the way home for them."

Writing a list of pros and cons. Cliché, I know. And gotta admit, never tried it ourselves just yet. But if we did, we'd probably write a general list of pros and cons, then letting our trauma holders and active fronters add some stuff that they want.

Speaking of your trauma holders, listen to your goddamn trauma holders. LISTEN TO THEM. If there's one type of alters who know more about your life and potentially you more than you do, it's your trauma holders. They know what they're talking about. They are not imagining it (this was said due to personal experience and not as an attack). It was, in fact, that bad, and even if you don't believe that, believe them when they say it. If a trauma holder says to get away from somebody or someone, hear them out. Do not dismiss them but have a conversation with them and understand that their opinion on the matter is important. It really helps to put things in perspective.

If you make the decision that will not affect you long-term, hold responsibility for that decision. Hold responsibility always, obviously, but I mean alter-wise. Alert others about it, or front long enough until that decision stops affecting you. Have a safety net in the form of your alters.

Always have a safety net IRL, too. Friends, maybe immediate family if possible, lover, partner system. Know where the nearest hospitals and fire departments are, write down all the emergency numbers. We ourselves created a list on our system notion page where we have names and emergency contacts of the people who we can turn to in case of a crisis, as well as local crisis lines. We also add notes about whether or not we can bring up the system around these people. Even if it's something small, better be prepared than dead (I am well aware a lot of you want to fight me on this, but you know what I mean, no dying. /t /nm)

Will this work for every system? No. But it works for ours. /ref

-host

[candyrain-collective]

Coping With Triggers

triggers. they're hard to deal with. this is an understatement. but you can learn how to cope with them, and you can work on skills to help you lessen their impact on your daily functioning.

completely eliminating triggers in your life is going to be a long process that probably involves a lot of therapy and self-reflection. usually, however, you need to be able to function at this point in your life. so here are some things you can do to make your life a little bit easier in the interim:

Identifying Triggers: the first step of solving any problem comes with identifying them. figure out what types of thoughts and situations specifically trigger you. what are they about? what reminds you of them? write this stuff down somewhere so you can remember it.

Eliminating or Avoiding Triggers: this comes with a disclaimer. eliminating or avoiding triggers should be a temporary measure while you work on overcoming them, else you risk making a trigger into this huge bogeyman that seems unbeatable. no good. but even so, you need to function now, so skip those invites to the bar if you're scared of crowds, or stop putting on the clothes that make you feel terrible in some way.

Anticipating Triggers: if you find that you will probably be triggered by something in the future that you cannot avoid, do your best to prepare for it by reflecting on what helps with coping. you can try meditating, or asking a friend to talk with you about the experience afterwards. prepare some methods of self-care for when the triggering experience is over.

Recognizing Options: oftentimes when we are triggered, we get stuck in tunnel vision mode, where we can only see one way out, or worse, see no ways out at all. try to remind yourself of your own agency by asserting it in small ways, reassuring yourself that you can control some part of the situation. if you cannot control your external situation, try asserting control over your own reactions to the situation, even in small ways. instead of feeling like you have to stay in a crowded bar, give yourself the option to leave! give yourself the option of either looking at the needle or looking away when you're receiving a shot. in the vast majority of situations, you can do something to change either your behavior or the environment. take advantage of that agency.

Grounding, or Distinguishing the Past from the Present: when we get triggered, we often are transported back to the past in some way, whether that is with episodic memories or feeling small or losing a sense of time. try grounding in order to orient yourself to your present location. you can do this with various sensory activities, such as:

putting a cold compress or ice (be safe with this!) on your face

touching a soft blanket and noticing the texture

eating a food and noticing how it tastes on your tongue

chewing on some gum

listening to some sounds of nature, either outside or with a video

humming a song to yourself and noticing the vibrations in your throat

going outside and looking out as far as you can

finding and object and taking your time to notice all its small details

once you find yourself adequately grounded, try changing your environment to make you feel more safe in the present. Wrap yourself up in your favorite blanket, or put on some music that's soothing. Take some time to relax and return to your baseline, whatever that might be.

if you find yourself unable to ground or calm down in the face of a trigger, or you need help doing so: seek help. talk to a trusted therapist or friend or even pet. lean on your support network, whatever that may look like. try journaling or writing all of your bad thoughts down and getting everything out of your head. whatever you do, don't try to ignore it - it can only be repressed for so long. eventually, you're going to have to take the time to take care of yourself.

i hope this post is useful for anyone who deals with triggers! if you have any thoughts or additional tips, feel free to chime in with your input!

[maxphilippa]

I think cabby should get to write down things, but instead of her files she should keep a journal, and talk about her RELATIONSHIPS or maybe interpretation, thoughts and feelings instead

I just think it'd be good for her.

On a personal note I do think that she should still use her files, since those are her disability aid and Justin themselves said that they didn't mean to send a message of "disability aids are bad", and that they will most likely explore the characters understanding Cabby's situation as a whole, but. Her having a little journal? Maybe even a diary? Where she writes about those things? Keeps those memories close to herself? Using it as a reminder that she is, in fact, loved? That she's okay now?

Maybe even having some photos here n' there? Her talking about how scared she felt at times? How happy she is with her friends? How sad she must have felt when she was... alone? Everything? Yes. I think that she should get a journal to process her feelings a bit better. I'm a person that has troubles when coming to terms with their own feelings and such, but writing it, drawing it or screaming about it always helps. I think that... Cabby should get to do that. Writing about it.

Adding to that, I also think that Cabby should have a lil' camera to take photos of said memories. Her journal is probably full of photos of YinYang and some of Bot before of their elimination.

[fanterfane]

The State of FanterFane, Now in ADHD!~

HEY YA'LL!

That's something I do now I guess, I say "YA'LL"! Either way, It's time for the first status update since the BIG ONE earlier this year. If you don't remember it or you're new, firstly, welcome, secondly, you can read it here: https://www.deviantart.com/fanterfane/journal/The-State-of-FanterFane-950469980. A lot of what I said here I'm still struggling with, and probably always will be, so it's still relevant. I've been told that several people have been recommended that post by Patreon because of it's high engagement, so I feel especial need to give the algorithm something better to serve. Also, this post is mainly about my struggles with ADHD, but it has other things and status updates sprinkled throughout. If you or someone you know has ADHD, I hope this helps!

For the sake of brevity though, I'll do a TL:DR right here. I developed carpal tunnel two months ago, and I've been working on treating it. It's been going pretty good lately, especially now that I finally have gotten my hands on ADHD medication after my long time lack thereof. As such, I've become much more productive and much, much happier! Things are looking up for me, and I'm hopeful for the future! Social acceptance for who I am now is still sometimes rough, but going better. SFW commissions have done wonders for my mental health, and I have plans for new art projects, commission queues, and more to try and do. I hope that you'll all continue to be the thing I get up for in the morning as I work to accomplish them! I'll be going on vacation next week, and I hope you all have a great summer!

Now for the super long part I don't fault anyone for NOT reading, here we go!

Earlier this year, it felt like I was spiraling down an unrecoverable path. Things I tried to do just wouldn't materialize. I would identify a problem like "My car is dirty" or "My room is messy" or even just "I should read and respond to this DM" and instead of working to solve it my anxiety would start up and make it so that I put it off. What if I messed it up? I was always so tired too, I just felt emotionless whenever I didn't feel sad. What if I just didn't deserve it anyway? What if all of this is a mistake? Those sorts of questions would plague me no matter what, preventing me from solving the very things giving me anxiety spiraling into even more anxiety. It was dumb, but mental health quite often is. It was getting so bad, that writing dialog and even just reading things started feeling like an anxiety induced dyslexic impossibility. For the longest time I assumed it was just depression, and that it would get better with time, but it hasn't over the years. Instead, it's only gotten worse year over year.

Now, I always get a little bit depressed every winter. Seasonal depression gets me down every year without fail, but this year was quite a bit more intense. The struggle between the two lives I live was really getting to me. I'd been doing ever more and more introspection, and discovering all the ways the way I was raised screwed me up definitely didn't help. Repressed memories often have a reason for being repressed. It doesn't help when the people you want to love you the most are the least supportive in your life, and might have even been partly the cause of some of your more unhealthy tendencies. Regardless of their intentions.

A big part of this issue though, I think at least, is that I've been unmedicated for my ADHD since High School. I stopped taking it as a Sophomore because I felt like I was smart enough to pass school without it, and that it wasn't helping me. The stigma against stimulants and medication in general was a big part of that decision. I was not self-aware enough at the time to realize that almost immediately my attention started suffering. It started slowly, too slowly for me to realize it at the moment, but gradually it became harder and harder to pay attention to class work over the years. It got so bad that in order for me to NOT fall asleep during class, I'd doodle on my classwork cause it kept me stimulated enough to stay awake. I'd always made good grades though, so I coasted through highschool on information osmosis and went on to community college, where it really started to catch up with me. Although again, I didn't realize it.

In community college, I had a couple of bad classes that really jarred me. Physics and Calculus. Physics was hard because the teacher was bad at teaching it, and 75% of that class failed the final, so I don't feel very bad about it. But the calculus class though, was the first time I'd ever felt like I'd failed myself in a class. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't understand the derivatives they tried to teach me. I passed, barely, but that was one of the times where I think my ADHD caught up to me, even if I didn't realize it. It wasn't much, but it was definitely a sign of things to come.

Once I got out of community college, I took a gap year between it and a longer stay at a university. During that time, I started trying to work on art more and more as a hobby. I started drawing possession, corruption, femboys, all that sorta  wonderful stuff. Then Covid hit. My gap year turned to two, and suddenly that was long enough for me to have started an actual *career* doing this. Which was beyond crazy to me. It motivated me to no end, I wanted nothing more than to create and have fun creating for all my followers.

In the end though, my ADHD caught up to me. Like it always does. Once the initial honeymoon phase was over, and I settled into the hum and drum of being an online digital artist, it reared its head again.

You see, ADHD is not something that goes away. You may not think about it, but it's always there. ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, potentially being renamed soon to the ASD spectrum, is a mental disorder affecting the brain's dopamine pathway. People with ADHD struggle because they have less dopamine for everything than most other people do. This either leads to hyperactivity, because you need to do MORE to feel the normal amount of reward chemical (how I was when I was younger). Or it leads to Inattention, because nothing you do feels rewarded or worthwhile (how I am now). There's just physically not enough dopamine being released in my brain for it to function properly most of the time. That's why ADHD is treated with stimulants like Adderall or Vyvanse, because they stimulate the release of more dopamine in the pathways. Making everything feel *right*. My symptoms may have changed over the years through things like masking and other stuff, but I realized recently that it never went away.

At the end of last year, I started watching ADHD Youtube videos that were recommended to me by my friends who also have ADHD. Lo and behold, a lot of what I was struggling with was the poster child of adulthood with ADHD. Anxiety, inability to do basic tasks, procrastination, lack of motivation, etc etc. I was especially hit hard by the concept of "Executive Dysfunction". Executive dysfunction, common with ADHD, impairs planning, task prioritization, memory, execution, and emotional regulation. All things I've been struggling with for years to various extents. Also things that got worse whenever I was depressed.

Naturally, the first thing someone might do to solve this, is get treated/medicated. So that's what I tried. I enrolled in a private health care plan (self-employment doesn't get healthcare through their employer, GO USA) just to find out that it was in the middle of a ADHD medication shortage. I was eligible to get approved for VyVanse, the meds I took when I was a kid, because they were 500$ a bottle. My insurance was 250$ a month. So they denied it, citing that I "Haven't tried the other medications." The ones that I tried getting, Adderall and a couple other ones, were never in stock. Even my friends who already had medication started being unable to get any at all. It was around that time that I made The State of FanterFane post, because this really hit me hard. I'd done everything I was supposed to, but the world still shot me down for it.

Then, on top of everything else, I developed Carpal Tunnel. Which screwed me up even more mentally and physically. Suddenly, even when I WAS motivated (which was getting rarer and rarer) I couldn't even draw then because my wrist was constantly in pain. It really started feeling like things really were unsalvageable. I truly felt without hope for the first time since college, and before that high school. Like everything I had done up to that point was pointless, and only resulted in me sacrificing my health for something that would've never worked out.

...Until the first week of this month, June 2023. When one of my friends was able to get their hands on Adderall again, signaling the end of the shortage. I immediately took my prescription to my local pharmacy, and got my first ever bottle of Adderall XR. I had high hopes for what it would do for me, but the thing I didn't expect was for me to regain hope.

The next day, I took my first dose and proceeded to start deep cleaning and rearranging my entire room. I did laundry, folded clothes, wiped away dust EVERYWHERE, organized my belongings and important files for the first time EVER, unpacked moving boxes that hadn't moved in 2 years and much, much more! Essentially, I turned my entire room upside down over the course of a week. I can't really put into words just how liberating it felt, how finally being able to just see a problem, and then solve it immediately without any anxiety or self-doubt changed *everything*. Even better, every task completed was less anxiety to affect me whenever I felt down or depressed. I can't hate myself for having a messy room when it's so clean, it's literally *rearranged* after all!

To put it simply, it felt like my brain was *working again*. For the first time in literal YEARS. Once I was done cleaning, I moved onto working on art, posting, responding to messages and sorting personal files. These past three weeks have been three of the most productive weeks I've had in a very long time. I feel like I've not been this productive since the initial honeymoon phase of Dullahan Dilemma and the Attenborough collection (callback!). All the while, I got better at treating my carpal tunnel, to the point where it's not constantly pins and needling me anymore, and it even feels just generally better all the time! I've been getting better and better at doing various tasks, and I believe I'm truly on the road to recovery now.

Things from here are looking up! Genuinely! I wouldn't be here either if it wasn't for all of you kind people supporting me, even through the toughest times. I'm beyond grateful for that. I'd worship the ground you all walk on if I could. Without ya'll, I would not be here today. Forgive me for taking on a somewhat political tone, but I have no idea who I'd even be at this point without all of you, and all of my wonderful friends that I’ve met while doing this. Perhaps I'd have fallen deeper into the alt-right pipeline as a disenfranchised southern white guy. Becoming more homophobic and repressing my inner self even more than I already had been my entire life due to my upbringing. That was the only place I felt like I could fit into the conservative worldview my folks raised me in, after all. Maybe I would've gone back to school for a degree I couldn't use and in debt, landing in a terrible corporate job that didn't care for me. At least I would've got health insurance then, but also maybe all of my health problems would've gotten worse and worse and never got better, since I never would've had the motivation to fix them by working out, losing weight, and watching my diet. I honestly don't know, and thinking too deeply about the "what-ifs'' of it is pointless.

But now, what I can say is that when all the anxiety clears and the depression abates, I'm truly happy. For the first time in my life, I feel like I actually have an identity. Like my emotions actually do matter and that I'm not just some soulless machine whose only goal in life is to make money. I'm a human being. Although I may not be created in God's image, I have thoughts, feelings, and most importantly, flaws. I'm gay/bisexual, I'm not very masculine nor do I desire to be so, I like having long hair, and I like doing more effeminate things that most guys in the crowd I was falling into would balk at and blame on chemicals in the water. In other words, I feel healthier than ever. Mentally AND physically. I thank all of you, each and every single one, for staying with me throughout all of this. If any of you ever feel like you wanna reach out, especially if I can help you in some comparatively small way, please do. My DMs are always open, it's the LEAST I can do.

Some other things I should touch on- I've gotten a lot of surprising support for my transition from my extended family and friends. The closest is still the most difficult, I can't get my nails painted for instance, I was told not to when I asked, much to my chagrin. I've got a pride bracelet I've been wearing around, and no one has said anything about it, so that's good I suppose. Fox news still blares on the television in the living room, even after all the stuff that's gone down with *that* channel in recent times. I've given up on trying to convince them otherwise. I’ve been discredited anyway because I draw "X-rated shit", that doesn't make enough money. Even though as far as most people my generation are faring financially, I'm doing pretty good!

The SFW commissions have been going fantastic! Especially on the mental health side of things. It's helped me realize that I do in fact, have options. I'm not trapped doing one thing forever, which is honestly the thing that was scaring me the most. Just like the threat of a soul-draining corporate job till the day I die. I don't have to worry about what I'll be doing in 10 years, because I think I've built enough support and especially self-taught skill that no matter what I do, I'll be okay. It's only up from here, and I've even been feeling the flame of passion returning for TF and other lewdness! So you can for sure expect to see much more of that over the next few years, no matter what!

Speaking of money though, I have more plans for the future now too. I'm gonna make more money by doing more commissions and creating more sources of revenue. Just so that I can afford to move out, and get away from this toxic environment I find myself in. The cheapest apartments where I live run for about 750$ a month, so I'm hoping to save up over the next year and move the hell out. I think I'll be able to afford it, provided there are no extraneous events that hurt me financially. I'll be trying things like more YCH's, sketch commission streams like the patreon request streams, art packs, and maybe even merch! Ya'll be the first to be notified about any of this. The first YCH auction will hopefully be this weekend! It will be based on Nyan Cat possession, and the MC will be trying to run away from the cringey 2000's era meme culture that haunts them to this day. Thing is, the past has a funny way of coming back to haunt you!~

Finally, I'm going on vacation next week to see some friends in LA! If you're someone I know/trust around the LA area, and you wanna meet up, let me know in DMs and we'll see if we can arrange it! I may take a further vacation the week after for rest, but after that we'll be back to regularly scheduled LEWDNESS work!

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for coming with me and supporting me on this journey. Happy pride month, and I hope everyone has a great Summer! I love all of you! Here's to several more years of FanterFane!

XOXO,

FanterFane

[verybadatcardgames]

Let's go Pegasus and Yuugi-boy for 002!

Yuugi

How I feel about this character: This card game nerd deserves all the good things to happen to him. He needs a break. Seriously.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: I ship him with the Dark Magician and I 1000% blame @yearslateforyugiohshippings for this. I also think Yuugi/Jounouchi is cute and I sometimes I read Rivalship fics.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Anzu, to be honest. I personally don’t like the idea of Yuugi being the “fallback” plan for her, and I just see them more as friends as adults rather than romantic partners.

My unpopular opinion about this character: I don’t think I have any unpopular thoughts? Because I don’t think about Yuugi enough to have unpopular thoughts I’m sorry 😔

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish we could have seen more of him in GX. What with him being the canonical King of Games and all, he should have had more involvement in the Dueling Academy. Then again, that could be because he was busy designing games by this point, or Seto was just super salty and never invited him. Probably the latter.

my OTP: Alliumshipping. Again, I blame @kampfkewob.

my cross over ship: He would totally have a crush on Zatanna. You know it’s true

a headcanon fact: He never returned that naughty VHS Jounouchi lent him in high school, and it was lying somewhere on a shelf, forgotten, in a closet, until his mother found it when he was a grown adult with a career abroad. Cue embarrassment when his mother sends him a care package with various belongings, VHS tape included. Yuugi sends the VHS tape back to Jounouchi as a birthday present. Jounouchi opens the birthday present in front of Mai and Shizuka. Mai laughs at the label. Shizuka secretly steals the VHS tape after the party. There is immense disappointment upon realizing everything in the video is censored.

---

Pegasus

How I feel about this character: He is a lanky pompous pasty elitist jerkface pretty boy with Peter-Pan syndrome who has never had to do a day’s honest work in his life, and instead of accepting the fact that life can be cruel and unfair, he broke down and retreated into occultism, cartoons, and alcoholism. 10/10 absolute favorite disasterpiece of a man I love him

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Romantically? Cyndia, Isis, and I wager Siegfried has a huge parasocial crush on him

My non-romantic OTP for this character: I do like Toonshipping as a non-romantic ship. I can see Pegasus feeling legitimately bad about everything he’s done to the Kaibas and trying to make up for it over the course of several years in little favors and grandiose gestures. While Seto had his own villain arc and can empathize on some level about motivations, I cannot imagine him ever forgiving Pegasus for what he did or having romantic feelings for him, nor do I think Seto should forgive him at all (because, as much as I do like Pegasus, I don’t think he deserves forgiveness from Seto and he isn’t owed forgiveness just because he expresses remorse). Going to bed out of anger and resentment is totally on the table tho

My unpopular opinion about this character: More headcanon than opinion, but I don't think Pegasus really knew Cyndia that well as a person. I don't doubt he loved her. What I doubt is his own memory in regards to Cyndia's own wants and needs.

He takes the time to write in his journal about his dreams and aspirations, yet despite her being the love of his life, he doesn’t write a single sentence about Cyndia’s? We don’t get anything about her hobbies, her dreams, her aspirations, her life, or even her own dialogue?

The Doylist reasoning can come down to: Takahashi and the series writers didn’t make up a backstory for Cyndia beyond her being a motivation tool for Pegasus. However, I propose the Watsonian reasoning in that Pegasus was self-centered and oblivious to what Cyndia wanted to do because he was more invested in the vision of her being his wife, instead of being invested in listening to her and paying attention to her needs as an individual.

That said, I’m still a Roseshipper and I do love this tragic ship. :’D

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: It did happen in canon, I’m just mad we didn’t get a whole episode dedicated to it: His duel with Doma-era Mai. I would have totally loved to see her talk smack and absolutely rip him a new one during their duel right before she took his soul. Listen, I love Pegasus, but after all the fuckery in Duelist Kingdom, he had it coming.

my OTP: Pegasus/Mister Crocketts.

What? Oh. Oh, I see. Just because Isis is my all time fave and I've written fanfic and drawn fanart and have several WIP folders of headcanons and theories about Sightshipping, y'all think it's my OTP.

But let’s all be real with each other: Mister Crocketts was serving Pegasus tea in bed long before he met Isis in a hotel room in Egypt. I��m just saying

my cross over ship: Not a ship, but a crossover: I feel like Pete White from The Venture Bros is a distant cousin and Pegasus calls him whenever he needs a deejay for a party.

The family resemblance is uncanny

a headcanon fact: His mother is a fiery Cajun woman who is the premiere wedding planner in all of Las Vegas, and he went to Catholic school.

[yawntu]

𝖜𝖊𝖑𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖊 𝖙𝖔 𝖒𝖞 𝖇𝖑𝖔𝖌

About the Author

My names Mazi, but you can call me whatever. I was raised in a multi language household so English sometimes blurs for me if you can’t tell- don’t feel bad pointing out grammar or spelling mistakes. I use grammarly but i’m so used to having a real person to edit my stuff lol. I was convinced I was a lesbian my whole life but have a bf now so i’m confident in my ability to write mxf and fxf. I am going to get more comfortable with mxm though so I can make male!reader versions of my fics more realistically so everyone can thirst here.

I am a writer by nature (which means y’all can clown me when I post unedited things). I actually hate writing in second person and it’s my weak point (hence the blog). I am in university for history so I like to think I can write with a passable rate of literacy but I smoke weed and then post these bitches soooo. As I have a specialized field of study which means I am regularly working on actual journals and articles but I promise I will still try to post semi often.

Requests

Okay now the important part, how can you guys send requests to me or just thirst!!! I’m really using this as a fun way to help my writing get better. Some ground rules:

Ask box is not open rn but will be!! Submit anything within my guidelines listed below!!! I can not promise everything will be a full fledged fic but you’re 100% getting at least a little drabble essay. NSFW and SFW welcome

If you wanna attach like aesthetic pics / music to your request so I can fit the vibe you want better feel free

I will write for most characters though it may take me a few tries to try and characterize the person right.

I will probably end up being mostly a smut blog bc that’s what everyone wants but i’m still really interested in writing slice of life, fluff, or even angst (I am a sucker for happy endings though).

I’m more interested in na’vi x na’vi (or avatar) but I probably wouldn’t be opposed to na’vi x human every once and while. Just worried about portraying something like that accurately / safely possible anatomically.

I’m very interested in maybe world building the canon world of Avatar based on historical / anthropological facts I’m familiar with on Earth so ppl who request questions about life on Pandora or what living as a Na’vi is like for me to write about are getting a big kiss on the head

Important Rules

Ageless blogs and minors don’t interact with me i’ll block you lmao

I am comfortable with darker topics and kinks but I’m not interested in writing anything illegal or dangerous. Knife play, sure. Things like vore and shit? Absolutely not I will kink shame here. This is not a safe place.

Though i’m interested in the 2009 Avatar i will write for WOW characters as well

I’m begging y’all to not send me the same shit you send everyone else I see the same people asking for the same three scenarios

I put research into my fics so pls be patient with my postings, on top of that like I said I have an actual job I have to write for so be patient with my fried little brain

If you’re in my shit complaining about aged!up characters you are chronically online and you should go out and help real people who need it instead. You’re arguing over fictional 8 foot tall people from another planet that could rip your head off your shoulders with no effort- get a hobby. Even a cringy one like this is better than being that tone deaf.

[monismochi]

Ok so some of yall might be able to relate but like... I get really bad anxiety with scheduling appointments and phone calls and just anything really tbh, it's like imposter syndrome of being an adult even though I'm basically 30 (im coming to realise it might actually be adhd tbh despite the fact my dr keeps thinking im depressed. But tbf.. she didnt see me any of my teen years or my 20s up until this last year so its not like she could make a suggestion. Imma bring up adhd on our next appointment though bc ive made sure to keep a standing one so i dont need to stress about rescheduling.)

And so I've been avoiding talking to my dentist for 5 years, and my financial advisor for 3 ( and before that another 6 years)

And I got a journal last week and wrote down the things I wanted to get done and was like... I'll probably not do them but I want to write them down bc I forget and then just feel bad and then repeat for months/years

GUESS WHO FINISHED EVERYTHING ON MY TO-DOs

I have both appointments booked, I have my work schedule changed, I signed up for my works retirement fund a few weeks ago AFTER ALMOST 6 YEARS OF AVOIDANCE, I have all my insurance up to date PLUS KNOW MY NUMBERS ON HOW TO USE IT, and I also finally sorted my medical supplies and how much I've forgotten to order and how much I'm being charged since I never updated my medical despite paying for it for years, and GUYS IM JUST???? I'm trying to feel excited but I'm also torn in a feeling of relief and stress instead of accomplishment but like?? This should be exciting right??? I spent majority of my 20s stressing about this stuff and it only took a few hours last weekend and last month, and now only like.. an hour today dudhdhe. How??? HOW WAS IT SO EASY WHEN ITS SO GD HARRRDDDD

[steveharrington]

with the full knowledge that they probably won’t get the best endings bc the duffers don’t know what to do with their own characters, what would your ideal endings be for the st main characters? or like at least the ones you care about? like in an ideal world

this is so fun i’m gonna do as many as i can think of <3 i don’t think the duffers are gonna do a Huge time jump at the end of the series (i could b wrong) so i’m just gonna base these on like roughly anytime in the next year after s4

steve: ideally steve would not be in a romantic relationship and completely satisfied with this outcome. i’m not saying he should like Never get his little domestic dream but i think he needs some time to focus on himself instead of constantly weighing his self worth based on whether or not he’s romantically valued. i also think it would be nice if he found something that gave him fulfillment whether it be a specific job or hobby or even just like continuing to be best friends forever with robin <3

robin: i wouldn’t mind if she ended up with vickie because i genuinely like the way their relationship has been set up, but if she was single by the end too i’d be okay with that. mostly i want robin to get out of hawkins and meet other gay people and find a community where she doesn’t feel like an outsider. maybe make some weird art. and to continue being best friends forever with steve <3

nancy: i’m begging on my hands and knees for nancy to end the show single. i think she gravitates towards relationships because they feel safe to her, but she’s ultimately unsatisfied because she has goals and aspirations that don’t necessarily fit with steve/jonathan and i think she needs to just focus on herself without having to factor someone else into the equation. i think she should go to school for journalism, maybe start some kinda nonprofit, and help barb’s parents get their house back after murray SCAMMED their asses

jonathan: honestly i just want jonathan to have like….someone who acts as a consistent emotional support. doesn’t matter who it can be argyle it can be nancy in a platonic sense i just want him to be given the space to express his feelings without them always taking a backseat to someone else. i think a fun career for him would be music journalism

argyle: we don’t know shit about his personal life or his background but i just want him to be able to return to his life pre-vecna without too much trauma <3 like obv i want that for everyone but argyle especially is so happy go lucky and it would be so sad if he lost his vibes

max: god please i just want her to be happy and have peace. i want her to stay with lucas, romantically or platonically idrc i just want them to be Together in some sense and i want her to feel safe and happy that’s all i ask

lucas: same as above AND i want lucas to get to fully explore his identity with actual genuine support from his friends. i can see him going through high school trying a little bit of every club and hobby and group and i want him to just like grow into himself and have the freedom to do that <3

dustin: again happiness and safety PLEASE also idk how to explain this but i want dustin to like…lower his guard. i feel like in s1 & 2 he was much more trusting and had more faith in people vs s3 & 4 where he’s just constantly assuming that his friends are like incapable of doing anything? i know it’s just bad writing for bad jokes but i’m choosing to believe it’s his defense mechanism and his way of dealing with trauma by being like “well luckily i’m a genius and i’ll fix everything >:)” and i want him to like let go of that and be more carefree again

el: again this applies to all of them but for el especially i want her to have stability and to feel safe. i want her to get the family and home she craves so badly with joyce and hopper and jonathan and will, and i want her to get to try things out and shape an identity kinda like lucas. i want her to have a little bedroom where she can try out new hobbies and not have to worry about packing up because someone died again

mike: honestly this is the toughest for me to envision and i don’t really know why? like obv i want him to be happy feel safe etc but i can’t think of anything like Concrete for mike’s ending that i absolutely want to see. maybe just permanently reunited with his friends idk

will: i want willy b to feel comfortable and find joy in being gay and also come out to joyce <3 and maybe hopper <3 idk i want will’s story to go back to his family, the way it started, and for him to realize that he’s still very young and mike’s feelings don’t have to determine his personal happiness and i feel like the best way for him to reach this conclusion is just by knowing that his mom and brother will always have his back

erica: ugh god i want her to like finish middle school unscathed 😭 the writers ignore her feelings so much so it would be nice if for Once they let her acknowledge what she’s been through maybe via a conversation with lucas. idk why but out of all the characters i can really See erica getting therapy skdndnc like i think she’d enjoy it <3

joyce: lord idk i want joyce to somehow know with certainty that everything is Over and that she doesn’t have to be on alert anymore. that’s probably not plausible given the nature of the story and the fact that she’s naturally always going to look over her shoulder BUT i would be ecstatic if the ending somehow gave her this 100% surety that it was officially over

hopper: i just fucking want him to be el’s dad man <3 i want him to take her fishing and get her a pet cat and help her with homework at the table and do a bad job wrapping presents on her birthday like i just want him to live out the rest of his life with his #1 priority always being el <3

murray: in jail for scamming the hollands out of their house

[alexandraswords]

F*CK NORMAL

An overdue ending to a (un)well decorated drinking career.

Introduction

Friday, June 9, 2023 9:28 AM

Today is one of those days where I am just tired, and a bit bored, but mostly tired. I am exhausted. Mentally at least. I have really been putting my all into my sobriety to the point where my day revolves around meetings but im starting to lose momentum. I have a headache, the dog wont stop barking, i'm trying to pop the zits on my face. Basically being alone with my discontented ass self is not something I'm great at... yet.

I should meditate or journal or text another AA member. But I just want to sleep and be normal and relax. But fuck normal.

I thought drinking was normal. I thought my diet of vodka and water and the occasional box of cheez-its was adulting. I thought I was mature and well refined and socially acceptable because I drank, just like everyone else, because, you know, drinking is normal... right?

Wrong. Not for me. I am NOT normal. So I have to do abnormal shit to keep my addictive eating disordered alcoholic riddled ass self sober and happy. I have to keep listening to other people because me making my own decisions landed me in a crack den sharing a room with a friend I would consider a sibling, whom which a fought with constantly to the point where I dragged the mattress from our third floor apartment (if you consider that uninhabitable shit hole, an apartment) down out side below out kitchen window so if I jumped maybe the universe would send me a sign saying that it is or isn't time yet. Okay so I didn't actually do that, but I sure as shit thought about it... a lot. Like a lot. I mean i couldn't even barely walk to the bathroom let alone haul some shit down the stairs. Hell, I wouldn't even walk across the street to get my own liquor. I would bribe my roommate by telling him if he went for me and took my card he could buy something for myself. I just didn't care anymore. I hated everything. I hated that I had to be loaded to be able to walk because my shakes were so bad. I hated that I had to drink to even feel sober and functional and not hallucinate and vomit and dry heave bright green bile. And worst of all I hated that I had lost control.

My eating disorder and my alcoholism made my reality disappear. The food temporarily until my life became a cage, and the nicest word I can think of to name it would be a vomitorium because it was actually that repulsive if you could see inside the walls of it. The alcohol took control over me so I didn't have to deal with food, but also made it so I didn't worry or care about ANYTHING. 

So I guess this is how I'm going to start this ... whatever rant of words form a book. Where I'm at right now. Because right now is all I have. Yes, I am in full self pity mode, but if there's one thing I've learned from AA it's that I need to take action, and never have I ever felt worse after going to a meeting. So,lets go fucking make our bed, and meditate or some shit and get ready for today. So, yeah, Fuck Normal.

So, Why the fuck not?

I got most talkative in fifth grade. The english section of my English SAT’s, I aced. People (my boyfriend) seem to like my writing and have told me If I don’t do something with it, then they’ll publish it themselves… which I’m pretty sure falls into the lines of plagiarism but lets be honest here. I am probably one of the biggest procrastinators when it comes to doing something that is actually good for me. Why? The fuck if I know. Maybe because all I’ve known has been chaos and panic since, like,  forever, that when it comes to the real things, like happiness and joy and pride in work that I’VE DONE… well, I'm just not used to that type of thing.  But I figured, fuck it. I can write a book. All i have to do is elaborate on how awesome I am at self sabotaging and add in some very few lessons I picked up and am still learning day by day. Basically I’ve decided its time to just put all my shit in one bound piece of parchment instead of having to explain my life story to everyone as if its my first day with a new therapist. 

But alas, melodramatic Alex is bored and avoiding meditating, to keep her shit together and be healthier, obviously,  because that would actually be beneficial to my well being. So for now i’ll just throw it in one of the corners in the back of my mind while it slowly simmers into a pot of anxiety attack soup while I try and explain to you (briefly before the pot starts boiling) how fucking insanely delusionally fantastically fucked my life is, and how I got here, and why I wouldn’t change one second of it for anything. But I mean, there’s forwards and shit in books right? So can this be like a PS after the main intro forward? ‘Cause This sober bitch has to go meditate before a meeting so I can stay mindful in my sobriety and not add homicide to my list of criminal activities. (That was a joke) So for now, just for today, Namaste Sober. 

P.P.S- enjoy the buffet of garbage that hopefully is not similar to mine. But if you can and most likely will relate if you’re reading this (most likely because my clever title struck a chord in your twisted little heart) then just know, you're not alone in this shit show, but no one ever really puts the shit show on the ‘gram now do they?