#i should have planned for this way back but i didnt know how much id go insane lmao

[stevie-petey]

oh also,,, whenever you wanna write. chap 6 steve & robin pov blurb because i am so sure steve would be going on and on about bug once she left so my soul needs that thank you <3

im kicking myself idk why i didnt include this scene in the chapter like its PERFECT for what i have planned later but ,,, for now all i can do is make it a blurb n tell people to read it lmao

enjoy <3

"it didnt matter that you were an ass. i was still... obsessed with you." robins confession hangs in the air. her back is pressed against steves as they lay on the floor, bound together. his eye stings and his nose is numb and crusted with dried blood. he isnt sure why shes telling him this.

"even though all of us losers pretend to be above it all, we still just wanna be popular. accepted. normal."

the rope around steves wrists tense. he clenches his fists and bites the inside of his swollen cheek. acceptance. he thought he had that, once. when he was sixteen with a crowd of people who wouldve done anything for his attention.

now hes eighteen and the crowds bruises still tinge his body.

"if it makes you feel any better, having those things isnt all that great. seriously." it took him a long time to learn that. to recognize that his acceptance was merely a precedence. it wasnt real friendship. he wouldnt learn this until he met you, until you taught it to him. "it just baffles me. everything that people tell you is important, everything that people say you should care about, its all just... bullshit."

bullshit. nancy taught him that, too.

"its all just bullshit, it was so obviously bullshit. i was an idiot for not realizing it sooner," steve bites the inside of is cheek again. somehow, his lips remained untouched when he was being beaten by the russians. your lips still linger on his. "you know, the only person who saw through my bullshit was y/n. one day, before we knew about monsters and russian lairs, she said that she knew i wasnt a bad person. it... it stuck with me. here she was, y/n henderson, telling me i wasnt so bad."

"and then...?" robin is almost too afraid to press him further. shes never seen him like this, vulnerable and open. she didnt know that his history with you went beyond just a summer fling.

steve nudges his head back and sighs. "i messed up. i... i hurt people. people she cared about."

robin frowns. you wouldnt forgive someone so easily for that. theres more to what steve is saying, she just cant figure out what. "she must really love you, then. if she forgave you."

"i dont know if she loves me, but i know that she believes in me. sees someone worth putting up with." he huffs, he cant believe he will never see you again. he hates that he will never be able to thank you for seeing a version of him that no one else could. "it wasnt until i messed up that i realized she saw something in me. its ironic, isnt it? but i guess you gotta mess up to figure things out, right?"

he had to mess up to realize that he loved you, too.

"i hope so. i feel like my whole life has been one big error." robin admits. its the least she could do, offer steve a piece of herself in return for what hes offered her.

an unattractive snort escapes steve. he laughs, and his shoulders shake against robins. he understands exactly what she means. "yup."

"god, i wonder how y/n does it."

"does what?"

robin pauses, worries that she might reveal too much. but its steve. if theyre going to die together, he deserves to know. he has to know. "shes always able to see the error in people and love them anyways."

steve is quiet. he lets what she said settle over him. its what he loves the most about you. how youve always managed to see the good in people, even in someone as cruel as billy. he hadnt known that robin noticed this kindness in you, too.

she seems to understand you in a way only he and jonathan do.

"you know, i wish id known you in clicks class." its a peace offering. an extension of himself to robin for caring about you the way he does. no one really seems to be able, despite how easy steve finds it to be.

"yeah?"

"really, i do. maybe you couldve helped me pass the class." he breathes out, the thought of all he couldve done differently will always haunt him. king steve is dead, but the persona is a ghost he will never be able to get rid of. "maybe instead of being here, id be with y/n on some romantic getaway. maybe you wouldve given me the courage to do what i shouldve done sooner."

robin doesnt say anything. she turns her face away, presses her cheek against the concrete surface.

"robin?"

she swallows. "yeah. yeah, maybe. you wouldnt have been stuck slinging ice cream with me like some smuck."

steve shakes his head. hes worried hes said the wrong thing. "hey, dont get me wrong. i enjoyed being your smuck. it was fun while it lasted."

bittersweetness creeps upon robins face. she smiles, though its a sad one. shes going to die with the understanding of why youve fallen so hard for steve harrington. "yeah. it was."

then the doors burst open and the russian find them.

[gracetoldmeto]

really long rant: why am i so scared of everything?

note: the rest of this post was a draft i made a few days ago, and was going to let rot forever, but today has messed me up so much i just said *why not* and posted bc idk... why not...

im not like 'BOO!!! jumpscare' scared just like... there are so many things in life that could go wrong that are entirely out of your control and theres absolutely nothing you can do about it, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, because shit happens and sometimes that shit is BAD and permanently fucks you over for life and thats just the way it is bc fate is a game of chance (this is my dramatic ass way of saying 'a forever change') but everyone says "oh if you cant control it then why worry?"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

NO. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS I DO WORRY.

I could die tomorrow. I could get a terminal diagnosis tomorrow. Someone (else) I love could die (again) tomorrow. Maybe my house could burn down tomorrow. Maybe in some freak accident everything I've ever known is taken from me... somehow?

can i control any of this? no.

so what do i do about it??? anything i can to minimize the fallout just in case...

bc isnt that just called RESPONSIBILITY???

ie: house fire? -> ok. insurance.

medical? -> insurance.

death? (that isnt mine) -> stable income

(note #1: this is about the point in my writing of this post where i dont even have the motivation to finish it bc i just wanna sit down and cry... but i might as well)

so OKAY, guess what? i did something about all those possibilities, so my anxiety should be relieved, right? fear gone! all okay now!

WRONG!

all that structure ive created bc its the "rEsPoNsiBLe" way to live, is a slow painful depressing death of my mental health at the hands of my job

yes, id rather gain an inch than lose a mile, small sufferings over large,

but oh my god is that all life is? small sufferings???

if i keep only suffering one inch at a time im going to end up killing myself and i dont quite think anyone truly GETS that except my therapist

this isnt like high school where i knew jack shit about mental health, i know what help is out there, whether or not it works is a totally different story

(note #2: i have looked at my options, ive read the rules, and id actually rather take my metaphorical little plastic car you get at the start of The Game of LIFE boardgame and throw it out a fucking window)

im past the point of easy help and unfortunately the conclusion i keep coming back to is a quote from a fic i wrote last year...

whatever THIS life is, regardless of how much i worked my ASS off for it, i dont want it anymore

(note #3: i dont even think id be in this spot if i didnt have shit luck)

i am equally fucked by either...

1) being responsible, financially safe, insured, but sad af at my job and actively praying something kills me in my sleep

OR

2) quitting my job with no plan and being scared that fate is gonna fuck me over for the upteenth time and this time i wont be able to bounce back or (lets be real) even have a want to (but thats a discussion for another time)

this is no way to fucking live, yet here i am

why am i scared of everything? well, yes i know WHY (bc from personal experience i know what can go wrong)

why am i scared of everything? because you cant be scared of something if you dont know it exists BUT in order to be prepared and responsible it means you have to acknowledge that YES IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU

so how the hell am i supposed to be responsible when i hate what comes with it???

"hey alex, what do you wanna be when you grow up? (1) sad or (2) scared?"

actually neither, id rather simply not exist

why am i scared of everything? because how else am i supposed to act?

why am i scared of everything? because actually, there is no answer to this... there is no reason... its just another shit thing in life that iunno how to deal with

why am i scared of everything? because the universe said so and so thats how it is

and i fucking hate it

.

...ok thats all im gonna go make a quesadilla now

[teddy-feathers]

so. ive been sitting on the fact im trans since 2018. met my first trans person in 2015, was exposed to tumblr around that time. learned me some shit and. i was... jealous i guess. i mean if i was trans id know right?

and then eventually the radical concept of wanting to be a guy is enough to be a guy. like thats just an option. you can just. want to be a guy.

and ive always wanted to be a guy. even when i finally accepted ill always be a girl and like. came to terms with it. i still wanted to be a guy, i just stopped hatting myself for being a girl.

and it was so scary to make any comment that way even online. hell i blocked the first person who told me i was trans enough. like even today im not sure im allowed to have this.

and now its like. years later. ive made no real moves to transition. im scared to tell my family. scared everything will change to fast. i want to control that change.

my friend thinks i should tell my family. theyre not horribly anti trans theyre just... not going to believe im trans. or maybe my dad will think its stupid and not real but my choice. or my aunt will ask me a hundred questions to *understand* or prove it to her. or my mom will say ill always be her daughter not meaning any harm...

and my friend is right. my family will take it as i didnt trust them if i dont tell them before i transition. and like. obviously i dont but like. not because i think theyre horrible people just...

their opinion matters so much that having these negative responses will be... very. very. painful.

im not good with minor conflict with my fam. this is. not exactly minor even if its not exactly conflict.

i just. dont know how to handle this. at all. i dont want to sit them down and go... so im planning to transition....

but i also know that itll get back to them eventually and hurt them when it does and probably irrevocably hurt our relationship when it didnt have to.

[valeria-garza-enjoyer]

Your writing style is absolutely phenomenal! Wow I don't think I've ever been so engrossed in a short story before! It's amazing and I love everything you write!

TYSM !!!! i feel like a little bacteria exponentially growing bc this fic started with a little one off chapter that was kinda short and as the brainworm grew i wrote more and learned how to more efficiently use rhetoric like repetition and similes and i cant help but want to keep tinkering with previous chapters every time i write a new chapter.

its kinda why ch 4 took so long bc i had so many hurdles getting the thoughts onto my doc properly, which is also my problem again with ch 5. ch 5 is theoretically about half way done, and its hard to explain the problem im having without spoiling it, but the main chunk of what i have written just feels rushed and quick to me. Like i want to sit on it and expand the narrative but i dont feel like i could give it justice. This is also why the rape scene is kinda sorta just mentioned in ch3 and doesnt go in depth like other scenes do. I dont feel like i have the depth and true capability to give that anguish words so i tried to keep it in the same tone and almost fluffed up/poetic prose. if i could go back right now i think id try to expand it more but for my abilities i like how it came out.

so yeah thats ch5 and some other thoughts rn BUT i can say im about halfway done with the valeria/reader separate fic. idk if i said this in the last ask but it uses the headcannon of the broken rosary and her upbringing so theres that crumb if i didnt already give yall that :3 i think im leaning towards more fluff/silver lining ending which means id give it a second chapter for pacing but yeah that should be up on ao3 in the next few days if i dont forget.

i love every ask/comment i lets me know yall like what im writing and im not alone in my insane love for this collection of pixels made by infinity ward. ALSO i am planning on cross posting all of valerias florecita here one day. maybe when its done idk (i dont like saying that bc i dont like the thought of this thing being done. like wdym this behemoth of a fic is done? I spent so much time and energy on it what do i do now??)

[call-of-ishmael]

Canto V and Ishmael's suicidal ideation

When the trailer for Canto V came out the narration over it and the tone gave me a lot of vibes of themes of suicidal ideation.

It wasnt present in the way id expect, but it was there and id like to talk about it

1. Her days prior to the Pequod

Ishmaels life before being a sailor isnt talked about much in her Canto, what we see though is pretty interesting

She expresses how she has come to hate the expectations, you work your ass off studying, getting degrees, applying to offices, to net you the job and life everyone says you should have.

A very interesting point to make is how she talks about it. The dread she feels as she expresses that thinking ahead thinking how this is gonna be her whole life, makes her feel empty.

"I didnt know if i wanted to die or if i just wanted my life to be different" [paraphrasing here] is a line we hear in this scene, however its followed up by her saying if she had to die somewhere itd be at the sea. She is unsure if what she wanted was to die, but her actions and thoughts point us that way, she frames it as where she wants her final resting place to be

2. The Pequod

Ishmael is from Ucorps Nest, The Great Lake should not be uncommon knowledge to the residents, a place full of monsters, where its known sailors who cant take it anymore jump into the waves to be free. And this is the place she wished to go to. She makes a desicion to join a ship that would take just about anyone to hunt whales.

In that gesture we see more of the previously mentioned thinking, she says shes not sure she wants to die but jumped into one of the most dangerous jobs around pretty quickly

In the Pequod she also experiences more trauma that leads her downwards even more, a controlling figure, molding everyone there into who they want them to be, a constant fear of death, endless fights against monsters, and eventually the loss of who she loved.

But its also a moment where we are shown, once she found some support, once she and Queequeg started working together towards a life goal she became determined to survive, she had a clear idea of where to go, a compass to follow. Before it was taken away.

3. Limbus Company, and Canto V

During the events of Limbus Company prior to Canto V we see Ishmael as a pretty driven person, she doesnt wanna die, at first, shes kept alive by a singular goal to find Ahab

By 4.5 and V we see this is, again, a self destructive endeavor

Her unique status effect "Compulsion" during the chapter is a way to communicate shes hurting herself constantly during this Canto, her usual ability to keep calm to not be consumed by her fears, worries, obsessions and compulsions falls apart

Ishmael at many points doesnt seem like she wants to come back alive, she willingly enters into the body of the whale only knowing she has something that can delay pallidification, not having a good plan to escape. She constantly tosses herself into danger, not caring how she gets hurt.

One of the more interesting tidbits is entering the dungeon. The first EGO gift she gains, exclusively applying effects to her, is a noose.

Its a culmination of the message, shes been hurting herself this whole time, she charges ahead, to kill that bastard, to kill Ahab. If she dies, its fine by her

And then the turning point is on the CG used for this section, another blatant gesture of letting her own life go, letting the membrane form around her, letting herself be consumed.

When shes broken out out the membrane it mirrors queequeg saving her in the past, the person who made her think of the future for once, to WANT to have a future.

Its the moment she realizes the sinners have been there for her, she has blinded herself to not think of any of the good moments, not even the ones she had with Queequeg.

She realizes shes not alone anymore

And she wants to live, somehow, she might not know how, but that hasnt stopped her before

Her compass is curiosity after all, she will find her path.

[hpdfag]

needle and bandage emoji to be specific . FORGOT TO INCLUDE THE BANDAGE

HI HI HELLO !!!!!!!!!!! WAVES this got long as fuck and i unmasked maybe a little too much so its hidden under the cut 4 now ... thank u for sending these in i always love a chance to ramble :3

🩹 - what would you do if your darling hurt themself??

auauahaghhhghhh i would feel SO TERRIBLE even if it wasnt my fault ... he deserves all of the grace in the world, i would do my best to make sure he knew i was there for him, that i really did love him, that he wasnt alone

i would worry about his safety very deeply, but i don't think i'd force him to stop. i'd tell him i was worried, and that i loved him, and that i wanted to do whatever i could, but ultimately it was up to him, you know?

ive had so many people react in just the worst most unhelpful ways when they figured out i had relapsed with self harm and i know i'd never wish that kind of insensitivity and callousness on my love, even if it was out of a place of love and care, i just want him to do what feels best for him

however if he carved my name in himself i think id. how do i put this in an appropriate manner. pass out. and if he wanted me to cut him up i would have a very hard time finding it in myself to say no ^_^ i may have some morals but they are a bit flimsy unfortunately

💉 - how far would you go to get your darlings love??

as far as i could push without him hating me or getting upset!! i think its a bit counter-intuitive to keep pushing and breaking down your darling until they give in. there's just no staying power to a relationship like that!

i'd mold myself into whatever he wanted, slowly but surely, so he wouldn't notice. if he said he prefered people with darker hair, a few weeks later, id get someone else to dye my hair and make them think it was their idea. if he wanted someone more assertive, who stood up for themselves more, slowly but surely id let myself grow, and try to find it in me to really speak my mind. if he wanted someone he could fix up, if he wanted a pet project he could be proud of, i'd let myself shatter, let myself fall into pieces again for him to put back together like kintsugi, better than i was before i fell apart because of him.

in general, im terrible at trying to take control. i fell first, but he was the one that asked me out, and then proposed. i try to be subtle, so there's no chance of me seeming overbearing. i'll become whatever he wants. anything at all.

i think also, part of this, is i trust him at this point to be able to control himself. he isnt some kind of idiot who only acts on base impulses, i trust that he loves me, and can have friends without becoming too buddy-buddy with them.

i couldn't kill anyone he cared about, it would make him too sad, and i'd be hesitant to throw a wedge between them, if only because we have such a small community back home. it would distort the balance. everyone relies on him, needs him, and i can't destroy that. i need to cultivate hope, not bring despair. our friends, they're scared of me, even if i'm relatively harmless. i think i could get people to back off pretty easily by just saying i was concerned, and they would know to do it in a way that didn't hurt hinata, because they know how serious i am about him. about his happiness. and they care about him too. so i would hope they know how to react to something like that. i would also hope it wont be necessary.

im planning on spending my life with him, not setting us both on fire. i need him to be happy. i need him to love me. i need to be able to love him to survive. ive toned myself down as much as i think i can in hopes of appeasing him. if i wasnt so scared of hurting him, i think i would kill for him. i think id cut us off from everyone if i didnt know it would kill them too. he's so important. i want everyone to be able to bear witness to his light, i just cant stand people who want to take it for themselves. they should know their place.

people who aren't from the island though? who just want to take him? they drive me insane. i cant stand them, the audacity they have, to think they're worthy to even be near him. to think he would love them the way he loves me. i value my own life, so i couldn't kill them. but i definitely want to sometimes. at the very least i'd cut them out of his life as swiftly as possible. FF workers, people from the mainland, people from this awful reality who think he'd ever call them his. id cut them out like a tumor. as quickly and as efficiently as possible, without any care for the fallout. the cancer would be gone.

[theladysherlock]

talk shop tuesday! you get to talk about music a lot on your blog (and i can't help but to admire how diverse it is!). does music play a part in your artistic process? if so, is it inspired more by lyrics or the tune itself?

Haha, once again thwarted by my inability to shut up. haveyouheardthisband has been a boon to my blog, truly. The trick to having a diverse music taste is to have a friend who knows more about music than you do and will give you recommendations. This has never failed me before.

In general, I usually prefer lyrics to the melody when I'm listening to music, or at the very least I find that interesting lyrics are what turn a good song into a great song. So when I get inspired by a song to make an art piece (which is often) it's because there have been some lyrics rattling around in my head like stones in a rock tumblr.

I have lots of ideas for lyric-based drawings but I haven't quite figured out how I want to set them up, so they're on the back burner for now. I also do NOT have the patience for animatics, so I won't be making any of those anytime soon (but I have edited them before and that was a lot of fun! if anyone has any animatics ideas they want to draw but they don't want to edit them feel free to hit me up)

The two most notable song-based drawings are pieces I used to experiment with some lighting techniques. And I still really like them, so I'm going to brag a little bit. Under the cut!

[ID: A drawing of Alek from Leviathan in casual wear, looking up, shielding his eyes from the sun, and grinning at something off camera. He's in the middle of a sunny quad with a Neoclassical Building in the background]

Starting off with this drawing of Alek! This is an older piece ("older" meaning early 2021) that I still like. It was my blog banner for a loooong time and I stand by that. This drawing was the first time I used multiply and overlay layers for shading, and I wanted to play with colored highlights and shadows, and mixing hard and soft shadows. I think it worked pretty well, especially for my first attempt.

The song associated with this one was Heirloom by Sleeping At Last, which is about generational trauma and escaping cycles. I got really really emotional about the thought of Alek being truly, legitimately happy after the end of the books, which was only possible because he rejected his claim to the throne. "You are so much more than your father's son / you are so much more than the wars you've won" just rattled around nonstop in my brain, and I'm pretty sure I hid the line somewhere in the grass and then blurred it beyond all legibility.

Now that I think about it I should do a redraw of this one

[ID: a nighttime drawing of Mina, a brown-skinned Aasimar woman cuddling with Halia, a drow elf woman. Both are in their nightclothes and Halia is asleep. Mina has a concerned look on her face.]

This piece is from only a few months ago. Unlike the drawing of Alek, I didnt originally intend for it to be a lighting experiment. This was fully inspired by the song The Crow by Dessa, which is such a Mina song that I couldn't escape it. Specifically, it was inspired by the line "I can't ask you to show love / but would it kill you if you did?" I just really wanted to draw my girl visibly struggling with the mortifying ordeal of being known.

Once the main part of the drawing was done, I started playing around with the night lighting, and I got excited about the idea of showing a street light shining through and casting some shadows on the two. If I had planned it out that way originally I think I would have done some more work to make the shadows follow contours, but for a spur of the moment decision I'm really happy with it.

[fictionfixations]

[You try to grab your trusty baseball bat, but it's nowhere to be found. The whip keeps hitting you, not really causing much pain, but the humiliation is so real.]

ah.. i dont. really know what to say?

its. being described so nonchalantly..? like. its. not . real. but. hgfduigh.

(from the iirc vignettes in a cup event)

["Losing your freedom and being at the mercy of others is painful. Do you want to escape that kind of life?" Yes. No. > Can't we have a different scene for once? > Ah, the familiar ceiling.]

[Starlet: We led a miserable life when we served The Family. We may be called the Sweet Dreams Troupe, but there's nothing sweet about our dreams. Now that you've decided to help Siobhan and make us return to the Sweet Dreams Troupe, do you know what that means? We'll lose our freedom and be at the mercy of others again. No one cares about what mere tools like us think. Breaking free is the only way to find happiness. The Nightmare may be a problem for The Family, but for us, it's our only chance to escape. Even if it drives me into a frenzy, I'm willing to risk everything at this point.]

["Do you think we should turn back into the Sweet Dreams Troupe?" Yes. No.

Starlet: "Now, here are the final doors." > ... > Is this the end?]

["Now that you have seen the real past, do you think we should return to the Sweet Dreams Troupe?" "The so-called *normal life* is nothing more than just slavery for us." "To us, *abnormality* means freedom." "If we can't enjoy the sweet dream, why not embrace the other side?" "So... what's your choice?" Options: Don't you already have an answer? Starlet: "Perhaps..."]

WHAT a sparkle appearance??

[Sparkle: Hey, guys... walking your dog, huh? He looks so happy, hee hee! You know, I think he's the one taking you for a walk! > ...What are you doing here? > Have we met somewhere?]

[Black Swan: Chill out. Just kidding. You seem a little troubled. How about I draw a fortune card for you? > ...What does that mean? > What's your plan?]

i didnt think id get attached.

i got attached. *angry noises*

[s0lar-ch3ri]

ep 51-52 spoilers but i gotta get the thoughts out man (also some for ep 2 of the black rose pirates oneshot)

ok so im going to do it all at once but like the amount of times i panicked with gill and shit over things like the moment the arm was mentioned i KNEW it was jon and how gillion risked so much to save him

(imagine a world where gillion didnt make it and slowly froze to death and was comforted by the ideas of jay and chip making it yet felt ashamed and disappointed as he couldn't save jon or pretzel and on the other side it could be either jay or chip wanting to stay longer and trying to get them back or them both just sobbing at the door because gills fucking dead and- i should stop hurting me emotionally huh)

back to what actually happened im so happy they all ended up fine and shit and id help gill with a villain arc if they did both die (both being jon and pretzel)

more about gillion its just something with how his "insult" wasnt really an insult but rather something he believed that he knew would hurt chip. something how grizzly also used the word sin for dark secret and then gillion talks how he got banished and he probably was very nervous about it going south yet they thought his punching of the navy was kickass.

the fact that gillion hugged jay thinking she was his sister is so sweet yet i could tell from the beginning that edyn wasnt real. i just got the sense for pain man

take gill giving chip a ring and him getting flustered about it whatever way ya want, im just thinking how fucked hed be if jay and chip did indeed fight each other (also you cant tell me that he wasnt taught it by his sister and his test was pretzel who knew how dangerous it could have been yet he could tell she wanted to bond it and so gill has a ring on him somewhere and they pretend that the magic is still in effect and it makes them even closer then before)

chip was a fucking bastard with the whole secret pressuring thing, and grizzly knew. and he used it to fuck up their friendship harder. making the people chip cares for the most (which btw thats so fucking cute writing bout that next) attack him and having someone jay cares about attack someone she also cares about maybe even more while giving gill such a tame one is grizz's plan. worst part is gillion would be used to them teasing each other so he may brush the growing hatred off as just something human friends do. GOD GRIZZLY WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD AT THIS

theres something sweet about bizly telling grizz the people chip cared for the most was jay and gillion because it sounds like he didn't mention arlin, implying chip cares for gillion and jay more then arlin and thats beautiful.

my heart hurts seeing the idea of chip having such bad trust issues and wondering if these guys actually care for him yet he pulls up the wall with insults manned and ready just so that he doesn't need to accept that people he cares about exist and doesn't need to worry about them going away and i made myself pain again AHHHHHHHH

i remember seeing a post about jay being an easy crier and how it doesnt make her any less a girlboss and i fully heartedly agree because aprt of her girlbossness she can acknowledge her barriers and when shit crosses the line and she doesnt hide it up and maybe that inspires chip and gill to be more open about their boundaries and emotions and ill stop before i make more pain but yeah def proven by the flesh room

i dont know if anyone else made the comparison but yall know when finn arlin and dray were going down the hallway and each got flashbacks and shit? the mirages were probs a reference and it was the same order too (charlie, bizly, then condi) and i freaked when i realized!

of course jon is what got gillion pumped up and bsck to his gill self because theyre gay af guys

that ring thing between gill and chip was so fucking gay omfg i hope they keep them happy pride month

the fact that gill just had to be in the middle of chip and jay fighting and idk why i do this to me but maybe he felt bad cause of the shit he said cause while jay and chip said a ton of things and they did feel bad a bit what if gillion felt like he had fucking sinned with this insult because of how bad chip seemed to feel and he just cant help but feel like he helped and all that and god how let me be a fan fic writer

okay comfort for me now (its poly pirates i love them ok) but since gill believed jay enjoyed the clown outfit (plus she mentiondd that she gave up on her dreams) he ends up trying to make one and hes a lil nervous but he asks chip for help and jay just finds them in the room with gill practicing sowing as chip helps him make a clown outfit and jay just is mesmerized by how hard gillion is trying and how chip is just so calm with him and they seem as though this is one of the most important tasks of their lives (for chip its more of making gill happy by helping him learn to sow) and after a bit jay goes back up and what do you know 1 or 2 hours later jay is given a wrapped box by gill who seems very excited and ahe opens it and finds the clown outfit chip helped make and she glances up to see chip give gill a thumbs up and wink and she smiles and tears up at how much effort they spent into making this

more poly pirates comfort coming next post but its really just gonna be writing fanfic ideas that i WILL make after i write a couple moee chapters of my scu fic

[pesterloglog]

Jade Harley, Jadesprite

Act 5, page 3240-3247

JADE: uuugh

JADE: what happened?

JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

JADE: oh god

JADESPRITE: what did you do what did you do what did you do

JADE: oh no oh god.....

JADE: what did i dooooo

JADE: um... jade?

JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoooooo

JADE: what is the matter?

JADE: why are you so sad?

JADESPRITE: what did you do to me??

JADE: i prototyped you and brought you back!

JADE: should i not have?

JADESPRITE: no!

JADESPRITE: you shouldnt have, this is overwhelming and awful

JADE: oh no, it is?

JADESPRITE: yes!

JADESPRITE: its hard to describe what its like

JADESPRITE: but its too much for me

JADESPRITE: and the sun...

JADESPRITE: its way too big and bright and i cant stop seeing it...

JADESPRITE: it wont go away aaaaah!

JADE: :(

JADE: thats terrible, im really sorry

JADE: i guess i did not think this through

JADESPRITE: cant this be undone?

JADESPRITE: i was happy where i was with my friends

JADESPRITE: i want to go back

JADE: i dont think...

JADE: that it can be undone :(

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: woof :'(

JADE: :o

JADE: well...

JADE: now i dont know what to do

JADE: i really messed up, i feel so bad

JADESPRITE: i dont know what to do with myself either

JADESPRITE: i think i will just go somewhere else

JADESPRITE: i want to be alone

JADE: where would you go?

JADESPRITE: i dont know

JADESPRITE: i think i can travel anywhere now

JADESPRITE: but all id like to do is go back

JADESPRITE: and i dont know if thats possible

JADESPRITE: i wonder if theres a way...

JADE: but you cant!

JADE: i mean, not just yet, please?

JADESPRITE: why

JADE: i know you are upset jade

JADE: but i did sort of bring you back for a reason

JADESPRITE: why, why would you do this?

JADE: we need your help!

JADESPRITE: who?

JADE: well, all of us here

JADE: me and dave and rose and john

JADESPRITE: john!!!!!!!!!!!

JADESPRITE: oh noooooo, john...

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: D:

JADE: what is it now!

JADESPRITE: john, poor john...

JADESPRITE: id forgotten about him

JADE: what do you mean, how could you forget about john???

JADESPRITE: it was so long ago! i put that sad memory behind me

JADESPRITE: after we died i looked all over for him but couldnt find him

JADESPRITE: and i was so lonely, but i finally got over it when i met my friends.....

JADESPRITE: and now theyre gone toooo aaahhhh boooooooo hoo hoo hoo hoo

JADE: but john didnt die!

JADE: i saved him

JADE: YOU saved him, dont you remember?

JADE: you pushed him out of the way of prospits moon at the last minute, and hes ok now!!!

JADESPRITE: oh my god prospit.....

JADESPRITE: ...........

JADE: oh nooo jade please dont

JADESPRITE: BOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: :C

JADESPRITE: why are you doing this to me, why are you making me remember

JADE: :(

JADESPRITE: it was so beautiful and it was all destroyed before i even knew what was going on....

JADESPRITE: and so many nice people were killed

JADE: i know jade i was there too...

JADE: these are both our memories!

JADESPRITE: and the queen, did she survive?

JADESPRITE: and her ring, i was protecting her ring, oh noooo what happened to it???

JADE: jade, pleeease...

JADESPRITE: i was just waiting for john to wake up, i was so sure it was going to be soon

JADESPRITE: and i was going to show him around prospit

JADESPRITE: i had so many things planned and so many friends to introduce him to...

JADESPRITE: he was my best friend and i was looking forward to meeting him for so long

JADESPRITE: but then it all burned down and everyone died and the moon fell and..........

JADE: stop...

JADE: you are going to make me cry too, stop it!!!

JADESPRITE: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

JADE: *sob*

JADESPRITE: woooof...

JADE: PFFheheh... *sob* hehehehehehe

JADESPRITE: i dont want to be here, i have to go back

JADESPRITE: but i dont know how

JADESPRITE: can you help me?

JADE: you want me to help you...

JADE: die again?

JADESPRITE: yes, i think thats what i would like

JADESPRITE: i cant take this, i wasnt ready to come back

JADESPRITE: not like this

JADE: wow...

JADE: ok, i know this is my fault

JADE: but that is a really hard thing to ask me to do!

JADE: even if it was possible the way you are now

JADE: i dont think i could go through with it :(

JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo

JADE: ok ok shhhhh...

JADE: jade listen

JADE: i never did tell you why i brought you back

JADE: and it may be that

JADE: if you attempt what i wanted you to do in the first place

JADE: god i cant believe im saying this...

JADE: but you might end up getting what you want anyway

JADE: because it was always going to be risky

JADESPRITE: what is it?

JADE: well, you remember the guy who destroyed prospit?

JADESPRITE: oh god D:

JADESPRITE: ohh god noooooo...

JADE: shh!!!

JADE: anyway, he is the reason i brought you here

JADE: he has the same powers you have, making him unbeatable to us...

JADE: but maybe not you!

JADE: so you could go find him and

JADESPRITE: you want me to fight him???

JADE: um

JADESPRITE: are you crazy? do i look like i am ready to fight anybody???????

JADE: i just thought

JADE: as long as youre here

JADESPRITE: i cant fight anybody!

JADESPRITE: jade i am scared and confused and sad and...

JADESPRITE: i wouldnt even know how to begin fighting that horrible guy

JADESPRITE: i would be too afraid of him to even go find him

JADE: but

JADE: i thought you wanted to die?

JADE: you wouldnt go even if he could...

JADESPRITE: no i dont want him to kill me!!!

JADESPRITE: you just dont understand aaaaa boo hoo hoo

JADE: jeez...

JADE: youre right, i really dont

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: i said SHH!

JADE: wow

JADE: jade...

JADE: i dont mean to be insensitive but

JADE: there is a lot at stake here!

JADESPRITE: woof

JADE: i... pfhehe, dont change the subject!

JADE: i mean, dont you remember what this was all about?

JADE: what you were working for... what WE were working for all those years before you died?

JADE: remember what we saw in the clouds, or what the queen told us?

JADESPRITE: uh...

JADE: how could you not remember john survived?

JADE: we both saw him in a cloud! he was in his dream suit and awake, reading our letter!

JADE: didnt you think about that?

JADESPRITE: ummmm, so? what does it matter?

JADE: ...

JADESPRITE: it was all a lie jade. what we saw in the clouds and all that. none of it meant anything

JADE: what!!!!!

JADE: how can you SAY that?

JADESPRITE: it was a nice life, but everything we did lead to nothing

JADESPRITE: john and i both died, and i eventually accepted that and moved on

JADE: JOHN DIDNT DIE!!!

JADE: omg...

JADE: this is so frustrating, i just told you he didnt

JADE: i knew i was kind of ditzy and forgetful in my dreams, but

JADESPRITE: boooo ho-

JADE: SHHHHH! okaaaaaay, jeez!

JADE: i just dont know what to think

JADE: i guess you are part of me, and you are who i was when i slept

JADE: but it makes me sad to think i would act like this

JADESPRITE: act like what?

JADE: i would like to think that even if i was sad and scared, if i was put in a position where everyone depended on me, i could put all those feelings aside and do whats right!

JADESPRITE: but i dont know whats right

JADE: yes you do!

JADE: even though you dont want to be, youre here now, and there are still people who need you

JADE: there is still something worth fighting for!

JADESPRITE: no!!!

JADESPRITE: not for me there isnt

JADESPRITE: there is nothing but death and sadness and destruction here

JADESPRITE: theres no hope, and i dont see anything worth fighting for

JADE: that is a horrible thing to say!

JADESPRITE: i dont belong here anyway

JADESPRITE: really none of this is my business anymore and i want to go home

JADE: AUGH!

JADE: that is SO SELFISH!!!

JADE: i cant believe this

JADE: how can you say these things, dont you remember anything that the queen told us?

JADE: that we would eventually build a new world and make a future together with our friends?

JADE: dont you remember being excited about finding out what that meant?

JADESPRITE: yes

JADESPRITE: but it was just a story

JADESPRITE: it was never going to come true

JADE: yes it will!!!

JADE: some of us, the ones who still have hope, are fighting for that RIGHT NOW

JADE: how can you have such a negative outlook on absolutely everything?

JADESPRITE: boo hoo ho-

JADE: shut up!!!!!!

JADE: stop being such a damn crybaby!

JADE: really, we both had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCES. and look, i am managing to keep my head up, see?

JADE: you dont even have the full picture either, because you checked out early!

JADE: you didnt have to stand by as bec gave jack his powers when you might have been able to stop that

JADE: and you didnt have to watch as jack became so strong he could appear anywhere and kill anyone you loved at any moment!

JADE: you didnt have to see a dave lying in his own blood :(

JADESPRITE: what...

JADESPRITE: dave?

JADESPRITE: he died too?

JADE: no, see...

JADESPRITE: ohhhh boo-

JADE: HEY! no. youre not allowed to cry about that because you DIDNT SEE IT

JADE: thats the whole point!!!

JADE: you are just looking for any excuse you can to be sad and useless and its starting to piss me off!

JADESPRITE: *sniffle*

JADE: no

JADESPRITE: *whimper*

JADE: NO. BAD.

JADESPRITE: aaaaaaaBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: NO, FOR GODS SAKE WILL YOU SHUT UP AND PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY

JADESPRITE: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

JADE: I SAID PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU BLUBBERING GODDAMN PANSY

JADESPRITE: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: JUST SHUT UP. DRY YOUR CRYBABY EYES, STOP BEING A COWARD, AND GO FIGHT JACK NOIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: SHUT UP

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: NO

JADE: JUST

JADE: GOD DAMN IT

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: PLEASE

JADE: JUST ONCE

JADE: SHUT THE HELL UP

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: SHUT UP

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: SHUT

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: THE

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: FUCK

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: UP

JADESPRITE: 😭

[spikeinthepunch]

rebrand conflict

idk how to decide what is a good or bad decision in terms of like...wanting to rebrand. i wish i could count back to how long i have used "morrysillusion" overall, i dont have a specific date. but i know after the white/brown antelope/wolf fursona, i think i dropped "moreyytilatot"? i think i tried to just go by "morey" in some form (i recall "princemorry" url). and then i dropped the 'nisovinsillusion' url maybe in early 2016? but i also had the coffini url here for a good while after. i cant remember if i used morrysillusion outside of tumblr around that time so. idk...

and heres the thing-- i dont really feel disconnected from my username, its fine and i think its p cool. but also in my head i keep wanting to change it, and part of that is wanting to claim a super old username i have no bad associations with. and i think part of that is bc of all the ways i am trying to do the things i was denied through my younger years-- so i am just reliving a lot of nice things and recalling the vibes and online trend etc i had. but also like.... attitude? personality wise? i feel like im not reflecting that w my current "brand" so to speak. at the very least if i didnt change my username, i still dont feel like the current look is something i want. i think the urge on the username change is just an additional feeling to push away from what i have been under this name.

the username i keep wanting to fall back to is 'spikeinthepunch/spikedpunch' (had the short one on xboxlive and the long one on deviantart) which was a short lived username but has no negative relations to anything, and i wished i kept it for a bit longer. and its kind of an edgy username lol. but in my recent years of growing as an adult, moving out, and being my own person, i feel soooo different than how my accounts have been presenting me. i guess ive been like soft, simple, and stiff in presentation? i think i fell into this when i was thinking id keep doing art commissions etc in a "professional" way, and especially bc i was doing my CN internship around then and wanted to still look presentable for the industry when looking for jobs. and while i certainly would love to work in the creative industry potentially, i obviously dont need to keep up that Normal-er image, i never should have, but also at that age and time i didnt feel like i could be that way at all. i was far more nervous of people interpreting me badly, negatively, etc if i was more edgy or mature. i was young and not dealing with my issues and so fixated on trauma etc.

this is also lining up w my plans to rework my website too. and i think a lot of this feeling also comes along w my "mascot" who i think is lovely! but him being a "mascot" makes him.... very detached from me as a person. i havent had any sonas to relate to in almost over a year... and my mascot was never meant to be a sona, just a Guy to represent my vibe (the colors, aliens) and social media appearance. and i guess i dont like that vibe anymore. i havent even felt all too into the shift i made to Mikike just having a vague spacesuit either, i felt i was just forcing that in order to fit the simple minecraft skin format for readability. (if people were to draw my skin, making it plantigrade and less animal would be easier)

and of course an additional observation i have had in more recent times are manic episodes that make me uproot parts of my life and change a lot of stuff about my identity etc. it may not seem like that happens online but its bc i manage to hold back on changing things abt my online branding lol- but it often results in making sideblogs for whatever new fandom/media i attached to in my episode and irl changing my entire appearance to fit and much more (and promptly drop both in about a month or so- its why i have so many abandoned sideblogs). this is obviously the bigger issue bc its what makes it Very hard for me to not do this (n yes i am in a bit of an episode rn despite my medication so...). and shocker, so many of my username/url changes and failure to ever keep one long enough to form an identity is related to that as well! its a surprise i havent done it in years but it was the expectation to stay with one identity, one look, in order to be Normal and recognized in a professional way, and i dont like that.

making this post and dumping thoughts has me thinking on a solution. as i said i dont really feel detached from my username. but what i dont relate to the most now is the way i feel i have gotten stuck in presenting myself online, and as a "brand". i want to toss out my color scheme, my mascot, my outward attitude. i want to let myself actually present in a way i like and not in a way that feels "clean". when my wcrp got shut down i had to come to the idea of acceptance and letting go of things i cannot control. and the reality of what truly doesnt matter in terms of what people may think of me. that was a huge pressure left on me for YEARS thanks to 2014-16 tumblr mindset and it is so so much harder to break esp if you want to try and be a creator and build an audience. i felt like i had become aware of this, and i have, but i didnt really click the fact that i wasnt into my current online presence bc i was still living with a piece of that era.. the fear of getting popular and being 'called out' for something for years ago, that wasnt even serious or bad, feeling like i was stepping carefully everywhere even when nothing was wrong. this doesnt entirely tie to WHY i want to do all the above. its just an observation on one of the things that hold me back too. just staying the same and staying safe. i hardly ever post, and while its something i chose to do its also a 'bonus' to not giving people much things to read off of me and assume from too.

this is getting too long and i think i have my point. idk what im gonna do but im thinking a lot abt how i should take control of my online life.

[tears-of-boredom]

i want to be dead. but you know, in that passive way where its just kind of a fact. im pretty sure its just my womanly hormones talking but i really dont see myself ever getting out of this mud. metaphorical mud i mean. im like laying in mud, and sometimes i manage to stand up,, but you know, im still standing in it, and covered in it. and eventually i fall back down. you know i seemingly really like to make up stupid metaphors. i have no idea why, maybe it makes me feel smart.

im tired. tomorrow i have a driving lesson. my first one. ever. im not really worried for myself, i just feel like the teacher is going to be dissapointed in me or something.

ive been having annoying dreams. in the last one i was smoking with my sibling and i talked to them about how ive been having so many dreams where ive smoked. i hate that my dreams do that. reference other dreams as if they arent dreams themselves. makes it harder to wake up ya know. i wish id have a positive dream for once. amybe one about moving on my own and getting away from this family finally. or more like just getting away from mom. shes literally the only one i want to be away from.

ive been decorating my room. setting up shelves and buying trinkets from kontti. it kind of halted because i couldnt figure out why our nail gun wasnt accepting the nails i was putting in it, and then i couldnt find any other kind. and i didnt want to ask mom for help. and also i decided to do the net thing, which is the main thing, cuz ill hang shit from it. i guess i could hammer a hook into the wall for a painting...but the point was that ive been thinking about the fact that if i wanna move before im 18, all this decoration ive been planning wont have the opportunity to be up for that long. but also that was the reason that ive literally never felt comfortable decorating my room, even when the ones that were completely my own. and i decided that this time im not gonna make that mistake and just decorate if i want to, no thinking about how itll have to be taken down eventually.

anyways im just really sad, and i visited my sister recently and i was really close to crying just because her apartment seemed so safe and so much like it was hers. and i like really want that for myself. and im just sad. and i dont wanna go to the driving lesson tomorrow. not because i dont wanna go to the lesson itself, but because i feel like ill be like at my worst, and thus wont get that much out of it.

i really want to get out of this house. when we were moving, there was like two weeks where me and my brother spent the nights at this new apartment, while mom slept at the old one, just because our trips to school would be much shorter. and those two weeks felt like heaven honestly. i didnt even realise why i felt so good and happy, until mom started sleeping here as well, and all the joy drained from me in an instant.

i dont know how to express to the adults in my life how much i want to live on my own. because im just a child. a fifteen year old child. and living with a different adult wont work. it has to be alone. i can promise you that when i fucking get that apartment, no matter how small or shitty, i will cry tears of happiness and relief.

im hesitant to even type these words but: maybe i should talk to my mom about this. just tell her that i really want to move out. no feeling-sharing needed.

i wanna go skydiving without a parachute. soar through the air for the first and last time in my life.

i wish i could fly. ive wished that for a long time. i remember wishing it ever vacation i had to spend up north. and everytime i spent a recess alone in the school yard.

i hate that im crying just because im menstruating. it makes me feel like my emotions arent true. not like i trust my emotions to be true any other fucking time.

why is life like this. why do so many people get to live so easy lives and then i have to do this shit.

ohhkay i just felt the urge to go get a knife so im not going to feed my own anger.

im tired.

its weird because i do dissociate clearly, but its always more liek just, my body seems weird, and it feels realy creepy how my body just moves when i want it to. and i feel like im just watching through someone elses eyes. it cant be me whos so good at typing. im clumsy, i struggle with guitar chords and mute the wrong strings. why are my hands so soft. it feels really gross to be in this body. but still, in the back of my head i know that im ust making this all up in my head. because who the fuck else is this. of course its my finger that are typing my thoughts out.

even my fucking ring looks weird and foreign.why does my skin have a texture. why are humans os fucking gross.why do i have to feel things.

oh my god im driving myself into a fucking meltdown right down im going to force myself to stop.

[countrygals-stuff]

Solby letters part 2

Sam’s POV:

This morning i woke up to my mum screaming at me. “SAM HURRY UP YOUR GONNA BE LSATE” coming mum! I quickly get up put on a white crop top, pink skirt, white shoes and grabbed my bag and run out the door to the bus. “ hey Kat. hey Sammy” you ok? Yeah just slept in.

Colbys pov:

I thought about the letter thing Kacy was talking about and decided i was gong to write him One I quickly wrote one when i got up and went to the garage to go to school. I pick up Kacy and now we are talking. Wait Colby did you write Sam a letter? Maybe i did maybe I didn’t . * gasp* YOU DID DIDNT YOU! Yes kac i did. Are you going to put into his locker before he gets here? I mean i would but i don t have the the combination for it. Don’t worry colbs, give me the letter and I’ll get it in there somehow. Ok thanks kac. Thats what i love about Kacy she always knows what to do when i have a problem and knows how to make me feel better when im sad. We pull p to school and I get my book and go to class.

Kacys POV:

What Sam and Colby dont know is that me and Katrina have a plan. It started last month when I bumped into her in the hall. last month: i was walking in the Hall to get to the cafeteria to talk to Colby when suddenly I bumped into somebody. “ omg im so sry” “ it’s ok, im sry i should have been looking where i was going she said. I looked at her. “Wait your the girl Sam hangs out with all the time, i said. And your the girl Colby Hans out with. Wait how do you know who me and Colby are and that we hang out. I could ask you the same question. True, i guess but im not tellin g you yet i dont even know you. Well let’s get to know each other after school, my names Katrina btw. My names Kacy, meet you at the park k? Alright she said. So we met up after school and got to know each other, we went shopping, talked shit and basically became best friends. “So you wanna tell me why you know about me and Colby yet i said. I men as long as you dont tell any one im telling you this Kat said. I wont. Swear. Ok well Sam likes Colby. Omg really! Y-yeah why. Cause Colby likes Sam! Omg we HAVE to get them together, but there’s one problem. What? Sam thinks Colby hates him because he hangs out with the kids who bully him. Oh yeah them their not really our friends, they just hang out with us because Colby’s rich. Oh, well what are we gonna do? How bout you try tpo convince him that Olay likes him and ill think of ways to get Colby to ask him out, deal? Deal.

And ever since then we’ve been meeting every week and brainstorming ideas to get them together and i finally came up with the letter idea so now im gonna go tell Kat about the letter Colby wrote Sam. KAT ! Come here for a sec. Ok so i got Colby to write a letter to Sam and i told him id get it in his locker because he’d doesn’t have the combo for the locker so can you put this in his locker. I give her the letter, Thankyou Kat. All good Kacy ill make sure he finds it.

Time skip to lunch and in Sam’s POV: i go to my locker t put my books back with Kat, i open my locker and a piece of paper comes out. I pick it up and read it

The note:

I love you so much Sam ur s cute and pretty you wont know who i am for now but just know that this isn’t a trick or a set up i truly love you and have for years love from c.b <3

Omg Kat look someone wrote me a letter! Omg Sammy that’s so cute! We walk into the cafeteria, but who would like me i say and open up the letter again. Wait Kat it has initials it says C.B i wonder who that is. Ye idk Sammy. I just hope it’s a boy and not a girl. Ye but where is our lunch Sam. Oh i forgot it. You want som of mine? Im good im not very hungry.

But Sam doesn’t now that Kacy and Colby have been listening the whole time and sam can’t wait to find out who wrote him that note.

[v1x3n]

Don't know how much you write him, but could I get some plain fluffy friends to lovers with Gaz? Reader has been on several dates because they've wanted to find love before it's too late, but they've all either shown the reader up or cancelled entirely.

Reader is convinced that it's their fault. That no one sees them that way because they're unlovable, and tells this to Gaz over some wine or something. Gaz is determined to prove them wrong because he feels strongly for them. He just doesn't quite know how to show it until now.

♡⸝⸝ - GORGEOUS

kyle 'gaz' garrick ⸝⸝ navigation ୨୧ tags : fluff

୨୧ 𝘴𝘺𝘯𝘰𝘱𝘴𝘪𝘴 : you give up on love but thats where kyle garrick, your bestfriend, shows up.

"its useless" you sigh as you slump into kyle, your best friend. "what is?" he perks up as you two connect eye contact, his arm slung over your shoulder and he brought you closer to him. "love." as he flung you closer, you could smell his colone fill your nose, his scent was strong but at the same time subtle.

"wha's happened now then? whats the mix up?" he scoffs, "thought you were lookin' for 'the dream guy'" mocking you as his hand grabs your shoulder and yanks you around. "yeah, turns out theres no such thing" a huff sounds from you.

kyles expression didnt change as he sighed loud, "well how was your last date" his hand slithered down and lingered around your neck, his fingers caressing the side. "shit show! he didnt even fucken show up." anger shows on your face as you think about the dickhead. you had planned the whole thing and he hadnt even showed! "id recken its me, i mean all thesw fit guys and they all flake?"

his head snaps at you, his is when his expression falters. "love, is not your fault." his eyebrows knit together and his eyes squint to see the fucking shit your talking. "it is! i jus' think im unloveable, im just a mess" your head falls into your hands and you huff louder than needed. "ah fuck off wi'h that shite"

Kyle's smile fades into a scowl as he hears your self-deprecating words, his hand squeezing your shoulder in sympathy. "That's bollocks, you know that" he tells you, his voice firm. "anyone would be lucky to have you." You look up at Kyle, surprised with his words. he pauses slightly, his breath catching in his throat.His hand lingers on your neck, "youre gorgeous nd i dont want you saying utter shit"

your scoff is loud and dramatic almost, "whatever, you lie a lot though." Kyle's hand reaches up, his thumb coming to rest under your chin. "look at me" he demands, his voice a low growl. You lift your eyes to his, his gaze focused and intense. "you are fucking gorgeous and i dont want you thinkin otherwise! fucken hell, if i could show you - i would"

"show me?" you ask quizically. his eyes gleam with surprise at your request, a slow smirk spreading. His hand moves down the side of your face, cupping your jaw and tracing a path down to your collarbone, as if he were memorizing your every feature. His hand lingers on your collarbone, his fingers tracing patterns on your skin.

his lips connect to yoursas your eyes open with surprise. You freeze, stunned by the unexpected kiss but quickly relax, your eyes fluttering shut as you melts into his touch. his lips were soft against yours, you kiss him back as his teeth bite your bottom lip gently.

His mouth moves against yours, his tongue tracing a path across your lower lip and coaxing your mouth open. As he deepens the kiss, your bodies press closer together, and one of his arms wraps around your waist, pulling you even closer to him. The world outside melts away, as all you can think about is the way his mouth moves against yours, the way he seems to consume your every thought.

"ky-kyle" you breathe as you push him off, his eyes glow as he bites onto his bottom lip, "thanks" his smile gleams and you grab his hand, squeezing it once.

"you should 'show me how gorgeous i am' more"

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[mojavepumpkin]

2/6/24

interesting day today; got home at 10:40, it's 12:20 now. work was ok, I mean - closing was bad. really bad. its not on me though, so whatever. maybe its easier to cope when i can blame someone other than myself. the rest was good, i breaded today, which ive grown an affinity towards. ive been getting scheduled with P more than anyone else; he always puts me on breading. its cool to bread when hes managing because we can talk, which makes the time go faster.

before that i ate pizza, and a chicken breast as a kind of late lunch - i didnt eat much at school (H wanted it) - though i did eat breakfast which is semi-rare. It was a sausage biscuit. getting out of the school today was horrible, i think im gonna start leaving through the side exit down to new school road to avoid the traffic - also my theory has been basically confirmed, it is indeed easier, faster, and more fuel efficient to circumnavigate the traffic by going through deloach rather than to push through it in the morning.

i missed a beta meeting this morning, i dont know how many points i have - i dont care. C sat with me at breakfast today, which is a rare occurrence, i think me and him are becoming somewhat closer but i cant really tell. i missed the beta meeting because i didn't know about it in the first place but i would've made it ironically had i not woken up with greasy hair and decided to wash it this morning, and had i not taken the 'faster' way.

art class was good - well, we didn't get to talk much at all... actually, i take it back, art class was subpar. very little banter ensued, which is the real reason im in there. we had to do actual work. sucked. biology was fine, took a quiz, 96, test friday. im pretty sure she heard me refer to pollen as 'plant nut'.

lunch food sucked, but i didn't eat much of it so does that matter? english was fine, she attempted a pop quiz but i had already heard about it- plus it got interrupted by a tornado drill - which i'm pretty sure we failed. our plan is shoddy at best, we had kids double stacked on the walls. public speaking was interesting as always, meditated in there. which i might start doing regularly, i was anxious in there for some reason, meditating helped. mrs. waters reminds me of mrs. kelly.

i got mcdonald's after work, but ordered from the wrong one (the ghetto one by the college) so i had to go across town to get it, which added like 30 minutes to my route. the sandwich wasn't even that good. oh well. c'est la vie.

i should be going to sleep but i feel like im owed some me-time, and this is pretty much all im going to get. im gonna restrict instagram to 25 minutes a day, i think. ive reverted back to being a diet coke fiend. one of life's greatest pleasures is an ice cold diet coke from a can.

i need to put gas in my car but im trying to get it to where my mom has to fill it up when she drives my car on friday, i have 85 miles, its tuesday. i dont think im going to make it. i have a haircut one of these days, but im not sure when. ive been thinking about growing it out again, mostly because i saw chip gaines on that fixer upper show, and i think it looked kind of good in a weird way. but haircut for now.

i think writing about my day at the end of it is a good way to end my day. i need to get night face cream, i probably need to shave. if its not cold id like to get outside tomorrow. my legs hurt from standing all day. i cleaned my room today. ive been thinking about going to church. idk with whom. its been so long since ive been. maybe im missing out on something? idk, i'd go with C and M.E., shes invited me before, weird to think im actually considering it.

i suppose this is long enough already.

its only tuesday. i cant believe its only tuesday.