#i should have planned for this way back but i didnt know how much id go insane lmao

[stevie-petey]

oh also,,, whenever you wanna write. chap 6 steve & robin pov blurb because i am so sure steve would be going on and on about bug once she left so my soul needs that thank you <3

im kicking myself idk why i didnt include this scene in the chapter like its PERFECT for what i have planned later but ,,, for now all i can do is make it a blurb n tell people to read it lmao

enjoy <3

"it didnt matter that you were an ass. i was still... obsessed with you." robins confession hangs in the air. her back is pressed against steves as they lay on the floor, bound together. his eye stings and his nose is numb and crusted with dried blood. he isnt sure why shes telling him this.

"even though all of us losers pretend to be above it all, we still just wanna be popular. accepted. normal."

the rope around steves wrists tense. he clenches his fists and bites the inside of his swollen cheek. acceptance. he thought he had that, once. when he was sixteen with a crowd of people who wouldve done anything for his attention.

now hes eighteen and the crowds bruises still tinge his body.

"if it makes you feel any better, having those things isnt all that great. seriously." it took him a long time to learn that. to recognize that his acceptance was merely a precedence. it wasnt real friendship. he wouldnt learn this until he met you, until you taught it to him. "it just baffles me. everything that people tell you is important, everything that people say you should care about, its all just... bullshit."

bullshit. nancy taught him that, too.

"its all just bullshit, it was so obviously bullshit. i was an idiot for not realizing it sooner," steve bites the inside of is cheek again. somehow, his lips remained untouched when he was being beaten by the russians. your lips still linger on his. "you know, the only person who saw through my bullshit was y/n. one day, before we knew about monsters and russian lairs, she said that she knew i wasnt a bad person. it... it stuck with me. here she was, y/n henderson, telling me i wasnt so bad."

"and then...?" robin is almost too afraid to press him further. shes never seen him like this, vulnerable and open. she didnt know that his history with you went beyond just a summer fling.

steve nudges his head back and sighs. "i messed up. i... i hurt people. people she cared about."

robin frowns. you wouldnt forgive someone so easily for that. theres more to what steve is saying, she just cant figure out what. "she must really love you, then. if she forgave you."

"i dont know if she loves me, but i know that she believes in me. sees someone worth putting up with." he huffs, he cant believe he will never see you again. he hates that he will never be able to thank you for seeing a version of him that no one else could. "it wasnt until i messed up that i realized she saw something in me. its ironic, isnt it? but i guess you gotta mess up to figure things out, right?"

he had to mess up to realize that he loved you, too.

"i hope so. i feel like my whole life has been one big error." robin admits. its the least she could do, offer steve a piece of herself in return for what hes offered her.

an unattractive snort escapes steve. he laughs, and his shoulders shake against robins. he understands exactly what she means. "yup."

"god, i wonder how y/n does it."

"does what?"

robin pauses, worries that she might reveal too much. but its steve. if theyre going to die together, he deserves to know. he has to know. "shes always able to see the error in people and love them anyways."

steve is quiet. he lets what she said settle over him. its what he loves the most about you. how youve always managed to see the good in people, even in someone as cruel as billy. he hadnt known that robin noticed this kindness in you, too.

she seems to understand you in a way only he and jonathan do.

"you know, i wish id known you in clicks class." its a peace offering. an extension of himself to robin for caring about you the way he does. no one really seems to be able, despite how easy steve finds it to be.

"yeah?"

"really, i do. maybe you couldve helped me pass the class." he breathes out, the thought of all he couldve done differently will always haunt him. king steve is dead, but the persona is a ghost he will never be able to get rid of. "maybe instead of being here, id be with y/n on some romantic getaway. maybe you wouldve given me the courage to do what i shouldve done sooner."

robin doesnt say anything. she turns her face away, presses her cheek against the concrete surface.

"robin?"

she swallows. "yeah. yeah, maybe. you wouldnt have been stuck slinging ice cream with me like some smuck."

steve shakes his head. hes worried hes said the wrong thing. "hey, dont get me wrong. i enjoyed being your smuck. it was fun while it lasted."

bittersweetness creeps upon robins face. she smiles, though its a sad one. shes going to die with the understanding of why youve fallen so hard for steve harrington. "yeah. it was."

then the doors burst open and the russian find them.

[pixelyssa]

Bye I am acc desperate atp I need helpppp

Basically I go on holidays mid July and I just know the food will be so tempting (and I’m so scared of letting myself go) and my family will obvs notice if I don’t have anything but I also want to have a nice time 😭 what do I doooo??!!

And even if i eat small amounts of things I’ve no clue how many c@ls would be in them

I will be so so grateful for any tips or advice u have!! 💓

ily stay safe bb 🩵

hey! if i was in this situation i would just heavily r3strict for the week before. that way the vacation will be like a reward. ofc thats probably not good to advise you to do 😭

maybe instead of that, you can up your workouts and make sure all of ur meals/snacks are nutritional (get ur proteins and ur veggies) vs f00ds with just sugar and sodium. and that can help u have the energy to up ur workouts too.

u said you might “let urself go” no honey, its not a choice… its brain chemistry. if ur thinking about the f00d ur gonna be having over a month from now… youre in deep. you won’t “let yourself go”. youll be anxious either way. youre not gonns get used to e@ting normal and then just stick with it, even if h do youll slowly become obsessed with ur image again soon and go back to ur ways.. thats the fuck of it all… might as well ENJOY ur vacay.

it would rlly suck to go in vacation and be trying to guess the c4lories in everything, and ordering what u think is the lightest option. you should e@t what you want.

you can still r3strict certain f00d groups. if i was going on vacay with my family theyd buy snacks for the hotel or wherever we’d be staying. i would avoid those, bc i would normally avoid them at home.

going out to restaurants id do the same thing i do at home when i go to restaurants, order something that sounds good so i can enjoy myself, whether its a salad or a big mf burger lol. and i eat till im full. (if u dont have that sense, leaving 1/2 or 1/4 of the meal on the plate is a good measurement.)

if theres an appetizer, i have maybe a bite of each one and say im saving room for dinner, (my family and friends know i get full easily) & same goes with dessert. if it looks rlly good ill have a bite, but since i ordered what i WANTED for dinner, im satisfied before a dessert comes out and i play it off that im full.

i would probably figure out what we’re doing for food and decide what is most worth it to me and save my c4ls for that.

id also make a list of things i wanna enjoy. for example: my trip to nyc i wanted to try

-new york pizza

-a pastry and latte from the cafe next to my hotel

-a martini

-something fried from a food truck

-any non american food restaurant (italian, french, idk)

-a croissant from this popular cafe in times square

and i just kinda rationed it out. i remember my bf wanted to go for a walk, i new we’d pass the bakery, so i pointed it out and indulged there. got a matcha tea and a macaroon & then played off being full until dinner and chose something light (i think i made us get sushi that night which is pretty low in c4l) another day, we took the metro to soho and we walked around ALL day, so by the time we got back to the hotel it was late. we ordered the pizza i wanted to try… and i didnt care bc i had 20k steps done. i was still able to have everything i wanted the whole time, i just r3strictied the things that werent on my list.

idk what kind of vacation ur going on but a lot of them call for lots of walking, so thats a plus. you will not g4in that much. thats why i said id go crazy a week before, so that i dont feel like im g4ining it just feels like its fluctuating normally.

either way if u let urself enjoy it atleast ur metabolism will get faster! (im toxic) lol metab week(s?) ❕

me and my bf are planning a 2 week trip to europe. 2 weeks before we go i would push myself to burn way more c4l than normal. and i wouldn’t w3igh myself in that time. in 2 weeks i could lose like 4Ibs and not even know, that way when i get back from vacation and ive g4ined 3Ibs i wouldnt even notice. then life goes back to normal!

i hope that makes sense, and i hope its not too much. i really hope u enjoy ur vacation & can allow urself to enjoy a few of the f00ds wherever ur going. 🩷

[call-of-ishmael]

Canto V and Ishmael's suicidal ideation

When the trailer for Canto V came out the narration over it and the tone gave me a lot of vibes of themes of suicidal ideation.

It wasnt present in the way id expect, but it was there and id like to talk about it

1. Her days prior to the Pequod

Ishmaels life before being a sailor isnt talked about much in her Canto, what we see though is pretty interesting

She expresses how she has come to hate the expectations, you work your ass off studying, getting degrees, applying to offices, to net you the job and life everyone says you should have.

A very interesting point to make is how she talks about it. The dread she feels as she expresses that thinking ahead thinking how this is gonna be her whole life, makes her feel empty.

"I didnt know if i wanted to die or if i just wanted my life to be different" [paraphrasing here] is a line we hear in this scene, however its followed up by her saying if she had to die somewhere itd be at the sea. She is unsure if what she wanted was to die, but her actions and thoughts point us that way, she frames it as where she wants her final resting place to be

2. The Pequod

Ishmael is from Ucorps Nest, The Great Lake should not be uncommon knowledge to the residents, a place full of monsters, where its known sailors who cant take it anymore jump into the waves to be free. And this is the place she wished to go to. She makes a desicion to join a ship that would take just about anyone to hunt whales.

In that gesture we see more of the previously mentioned thinking, she says shes not sure she wants to die but jumped into one of the most dangerous jobs around pretty quickly

In the Pequod she also experiences more trauma that leads her downwards even more, a controlling figure, molding everyone there into who they want them to be, a constant fear of death, endless fights against monsters, and eventually the loss of who she loved.

But its also a moment where we are shown, once she found some support, once she and Queequeg started working together towards a life goal she became determined to survive, she had a clear idea of where to go, a compass to follow. Before it was taken away.

3. Limbus Company, and Canto V

During the events of Limbus Company prior to Canto V we see Ishmael as a pretty driven person, she doesnt wanna die, at first, shes kept alive by a singular goal to find Ahab

By 4.5 and V we see this is, again, a self destructive endeavor

Her unique status effect "Compulsion" during the chapter is a way to communicate shes hurting herself constantly during this Canto, her usual ability to keep calm to not be consumed by her fears, worries, obsessions and compulsions falls apart

Ishmael at many points doesnt seem like she wants to come back alive, she willingly enters into the body of the whale only knowing she has something that can delay pallidification, not having a good plan to escape. She constantly tosses herself into danger, not caring how she gets hurt.

One of the more interesting tidbits is entering the dungeon. The first EGO gift she gains, exclusively applying effects to her, is a noose.

Its a culmination of the message, shes been hurting herself this whole time, she charges ahead, to kill that bastard, to kill Ahab. If she dies, its fine by her

And then the turning point is on the CG used for this section, another blatant gesture of letting her own life go, letting the membrane form around her, letting herself be consumed.

When shes broken out out the membrane it mirrors queequeg saving her in the past, the person who made her think of the future for once, to WANT to have a future.

Its the moment she realizes the sinners have been there for her, she has blinded herself to not think of any of the good moments, not even the ones she had with Queequeg.

She realizes shes not alone anymore

And she wants to live, somehow, she might not know how, but that hasnt stopped her before

Her compass is curiosity after all, she will find her path.

[str4wb3rry-fire]

okay but i need a steddie childhood friends to strangers to friends to lovers fic

like imagine steve subtly asking dustin so many questions abt eddie after he finds out dustin had become friends w him cuz he hasnt talked to eddie, like /rly/ talked to him, since 8th grade and wants to know how hes doing.

and like it could have flashbacks throughout the story of eddie and steves friendship from like 2nd grade to their falling out in 8th when steve decided he thought popularity and fitting in was more important than his friendship w eddie.

(eddie had a crush on steve the whole time they were friends and as much as he hates himself for it, it never fully faded after their falling out)

so throughout the whole of s4 theyre both just avoiding the topic but during the scene where eddie tells steve him biting the bat head off was "totally metal", steve brings it up and apologies for being such a dick to him. eddie tries to brush it off, saying its not a big deal, but steve doesnt drop it. he stops eddie and looks him in the eye and says some thing like "u didnt deserve that shit, eddie. i was an idiot that thought fitting in was worth kicking u to the curb and idk if ill ever forgive myself for that." eddie just kinda looks at him all stunned and starts to stutter out a response but steve just /keeps/ talking "i get it if u want nothing to do w me after this is all said and done but uh, idk i think id be cool if we started to hang out again. only if u want to, tho, its okay if u don't. i get it." eddie, not having a clue how he should react to that, says something like "ya, man. id rly like that." w a stupid smile on his face and then completely changes the subject, starting his speech abt the stancy tru luv bullshit.

further more, when it gets to the scene where theyre splitting up for their kill vecna plan, eddie steps forward and says steves name, searching his brain to say something, /anything/, but hes a fucking idiot so he ends up just saying "make him pay". steve nods at him and starts to turn away but just decides 'fuck that' and he turns around again. he just walks right up to eddie and pulls him into a hug, giving him no time to protest before burying his face in eddies curls. eddie stands stunned for abt 2 seconds before hes hugging him back. still holding onto him, steve tells him to pls pls be careful, munson. and eddie laughs nervously patting his back before pulling away, saying something like "u too, man. i wanna see ur pretty face walk back here alive." and softly slaps his cheek or something equally awkward and gay before they both part ways, eddie getting weird looks from dustin which he promptly ignores. (robin would know exactly what was happening ofc, steve told her absolutely everything, so she would just give steve an awkward thumbs up or something)

idk what would happen after that this kinda got out of hand- im sorry lmaoo but i cant get this out of my head i need someone to write this or i might have to take matters into my own hands😭(and god knows id never finish it or have the confidence to post it anywhere)

[theladysherlock]

talk shop tuesday! you get to talk about music a lot on your blog (and i can't help but to admire how diverse it is!). does music play a part in your artistic process? if so, is it inspired more by lyrics or the tune itself?

Haha, once again thwarted by my inability to shut up. haveyouheardthisband has been a boon to my blog, truly. The trick to having a diverse music taste is to have a friend who knows more about music than you do and will give you recommendations. This has never failed me before.

In general, I usually prefer lyrics to the melody when I'm listening to music, or at the very least I find that interesting lyrics are what turn a good song into a great song. So when I get inspired by a song to make an art piece (which is often) it's because there have been some lyrics rattling around in my head like stones in a rock tumblr.

I have lots of ideas for lyric-based drawings but I haven't quite figured out how I want to set them up, so they're on the back burner for now. I also do NOT have the patience for animatics, so I won't be making any of those anytime soon (but I have edited them before and that was a lot of fun! if anyone has any animatics ideas they want to draw but they don't want to edit them feel free to hit me up)

The two most notable song-based drawings are pieces I used to experiment with some lighting techniques. And I still really like them, so I'm going to brag a little bit. Under the cut!

[ID: A drawing of Alek from Leviathan in casual wear, looking up, shielding his eyes from the sun, and grinning at something off camera. He's in the middle of a sunny quad with a Neoclassical Building in the background]

Starting off with this drawing of Alek! This is an older piece ("older" meaning early 2021) that I still like. It was my blog banner for a loooong time and I stand by that. This drawing was the first time I used multiply and overlay layers for shading, and I wanted to play with colored highlights and shadows, and mixing hard and soft shadows. I think it worked pretty well, especially for my first attempt.

The song associated with this one was Heirloom by Sleeping At Last, which is about generational trauma and escaping cycles. I got really really emotional about the thought of Alek being truly, legitimately happy after the end of the books, which was only possible because he rejected his claim to the throne. "You are so much more than your father's son / you are so much more than the wars you've won" just rattled around nonstop in my brain, and I'm pretty sure I hid the line somewhere in the grass and then blurred it beyond all legibility.

Now that I think about it I should do a redraw of this one

[ID: a nighttime drawing of Mina, a brown-skinned Aasimar woman cuddling with Halia, a drow elf woman. Both are in their nightclothes and Halia is asleep. Mina has a concerned look on her face.]

This piece is from only a few months ago. Unlike the drawing of Alek, I didnt originally intend for it to be a lighting experiment. This was fully inspired by the song The Crow by Dessa, which is such a Mina song that I couldn't escape it. Specifically, it was inspired by the line "I can't ask you to show love / but would it kill you if you did?" I just really wanted to draw my girl visibly struggling with the mortifying ordeal of being known.

Once the main part of the drawing was done, I started playing around with the night lighting, and I got excited about the idea of showing a street light shining through and casting some shadows on the two. If I had planned it out that way originally I think I would have done some more work to make the shadows follow contours, but for a spur of the moment decision I'm really happy with it.

[fictionfixations]

[You try to grab your trusty baseball bat, but it's nowhere to be found. The whip keeps hitting you, not really causing much pain, but the humiliation is so real.]

ah.. i dont. really know what to say?

its. being described so nonchalantly..? like. its. not . real. but. hgfduigh.

(from the iirc vignettes in a cup event)

["Losing your freedom and being at the mercy of others is painful. Do you want to escape that kind of life?" Yes. No. > Can't we have a different scene for once? > Ah, the familiar ceiling.]

[Starlet: We led a miserable life when we served The Family. We may be called the Sweet Dreams Troupe, but there's nothing sweet about our dreams. Now that you've decided to help Siobhan and make us return to the Sweet Dreams Troupe, do you know what that means? We'll lose our freedom and be at the mercy of others again. No one cares about what mere tools like us think. Breaking free is the only way to find happiness. The Nightmare may be a problem for The Family, but for us, it's our only chance to escape. Even if it drives me into a frenzy, I'm willing to risk everything at this point.]

["Do you think we should turn back into the Sweet Dreams Troupe?" Yes. No.

Starlet: "Now, here are the final doors." > ... > Is this the end?]

["Now that you have seen the real past, do you think we should return to the Sweet Dreams Troupe?" "The so-called *normal life* is nothing more than just slavery for us." "To us, *abnormality* means freedom." "If we can't enjoy the sweet dream, why not embrace the other side?" "So... what's your choice?" Options: Don't you already have an answer? Starlet: "Perhaps..."]

WHAT a sparkle appearance??

[Sparkle: Hey, guys... walking your dog, huh? He looks so happy, hee hee! You know, I think he's the one taking you for a walk! > ...What are you doing here? > Have we met somewhere?]

[Black Swan: Chill out. Just kidding. You seem a little troubled. How about I draw a fortune card for you? > ...What does that mean? > What's your plan?]

i didnt think id get attached.

i got attached. *angry noises*

[s0lar-ch3ri]

ep 51-52 spoilers but i gotta get the thoughts out man (also some for ep 2 of the black rose pirates oneshot)

ok so im going to do it all at once but like the amount of times i panicked with gill and shit over things like the moment the arm was mentioned i KNEW it was jon and how gillion risked so much to save him

(imagine a world where gillion didnt make it and slowly froze to death and was comforted by the ideas of jay and chip making it yet felt ashamed and disappointed as he couldn't save jon or pretzel and on the other side it could be either jay or chip wanting to stay longer and trying to get them back or them both just sobbing at the door because gills fucking dead and- i should stop hurting me emotionally huh)

back to what actually happened im so happy they all ended up fine and shit and id help gill with a villain arc if they did both die (both being jon and pretzel)

more about gillion its just something with how his "insult" wasnt really an insult but rather something he believed that he knew would hurt chip. something how grizzly also used the word sin for dark secret and then gillion talks how he got banished and he probably was very nervous about it going south yet they thought his punching of the navy was kickass.

the fact that gillion hugged jay thinking she was his sister is so sweet yet i could tell from the beginning that edyn wasnt real. i just got the sense for pain man

take gill giving chip a ring and him getting flustered about it whatever way ya want, im just thinking how fucked hed be if jay and chip did indeed fight each other (also you cant tell me that he wasnt taught it by his sister and his test was pretzel who knew how dangerous it could have been yet he could tell she wanted to bond it and so gill has a ring on him somewhere and they pretend that the magic is still in effect and it makes them even closer then before)

chip was a fucking bastard with the whole secret pressuring thing, and grizzly knew. and he used it to fuck up their friendship harder. making the people chip cares for the most (which btw thats so fucking cute writing bout that next) attack him and having someone jay cares about attack someone she also cares about maybe even more while giving gill such a tame one is grizz's plan. worst part is gillion would be used to them teasing each other so he may brush the growing hatred off as just something human friends do. GOD GRIZZLY WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD AT THIS

theres something sweet about bizly telling grizz the people chip cared for the most was jay and gillion because it sounds like he didn't mention arlin, implying chip cares for gillion and jay more then arlin and thats beautiful.

my heart hurts seeing the idea of chip having such bad trust issues and wondering if these guys actually care for him yet he pulls up the wall with insults manned and ready just so that he doesn't need to accept that people he cares about exist and doesn't need to worry about them going away and i made myself pain again AHHHHHHHH

i remember seeing a post about jay being an easy crier and how it doesnt make her any less a girlboss and i fully heartedly agree because aprt of her girlbossness she can acknowledge her barriers and when shit crosses the line and she doesnt hide it up and maybe that inspires chip and gill to be more open about their boundaries and emotions and ill stop before i make more pain but yeah def proven by the flesh room

i dont know if anyone else made the comparison but yall know when finn arlin and dray were going down the hallway and each got flashbacks and shit? the mirages were probs a reference and it was the same order too (charlie, bizly, then condi) and i freaked when i realized!

of course jon is what got gillion pumped up and bsck to his gill self because theyre gay af guys

that ring thing between gill and chip was so fucking gay omfg i hope they keep them happy pride month

the fact that gill just had to be in the middle of chip and jay fighting and idk why i do this to me but maybe he felt bad cause of the shit he said cause while jay and chip said a ton of things and they did feel bad a bit what if gillion felt like he had fucking sinned with this insult because of how bad chip seemed to feel and he just cant help but feel like he helped and all that and god how let me be a fan fic writer

okay comfort for me now (its poly pirates i love them ok) but since gill believed jay enjoyed the clown outfit (plus she mentiondd that she gave up on her dreams) he ends up trying to make one and hes a lil nervous but he asks chip for help and jay just finds them in the room with gill practicing sowing as chip helps him make a clown outfit and jay just is mesmerized by how hard gillion is trying and how chip is just so calm with him and they seem as though this is one of the most important tasks of their lives (for chip its more of making gill happy by helping him learn to sow) and after a bit jay goes back up and what do you know 1 or 2 hours later jay is given a wrapped box by gill who seems very excited and ahe opens it and finds the clown outfit chip helped make and she glances up to see chip give gill a thumbs up and wink and she smiles and tears up at how much effort they spent into making this

more poly pirates comfort coming next post but its really just gonna be writing fanfic ideas that i WILL make after i write a couple moee chapters of my scu fic

[pesterloglog]

Jade Harley, Jadesprite

Act 5, page 3240-3247

JADE: uuugh

JADE: what happened?

JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

JADE: oh god

JADESPRITE: what did you do what did you do what did you do

JADE: oh no oh god.....

JADE: what did i dooooo

JADE: um... jade?

JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoooooo

JADE: what is the matter?

JADE: why are you so sad?

JADESPRITE: what did you do to me??

JADE: i prototyped you and brought you back!

JADE: should i not have?

JADESPRITE: no!

JADESPRITE: you shouldnt have, this is overwhelming and awful

JADE: oh no, it is?

JADESPRITE: yes!

JADESPRITE: its hard to describe what its like

JADESPRITE: but its too much for me

JADESPRITE: and the sun...

JADESPRITE: its way too big and bright and i cant stop seeing it...

JADESPRITE: it wont go away aaaaah!

JADE: :(

JADE: thats terrible, im really sorry

JADE: i guess i did not think this through

JADESPRITE: cant this be undone?

JADESPRITE: i was happy where i was with my friends

JADESPRITE: i want to go back

JADE: i dont think...

JADE: that it can be undone :(

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: woof :'(

JADE: :o

JADE: well...

JADE: now i dont know what to do

JADE: i really messed up, i feel so bad

JADESPRITE: i dont know what to do with myself either

JADESPRITE: i think i will just go somewhere else

JADESPRITE: i want to be alone

JADE: where would you go?

JADESPRITE: i dont know

JADESPRITE: i think i can travel anywhere now

JADESPRITE: but all id like to do is go back

JADESPRITE: and i dont know if thats possible

JADESPRITE: i wonder if theres a way...

JADE: but you cant!

JADE: i mean, not just yet, please?

JADESPRITE: why

JADE: i know you are upset jade

JADE: but i did sort of bring you back for a reason

JADESPRITE: why, why would you do this?

JADE: we need your help!

JADESPRITE: who?

JADE: well, all of us here

JADE: me and dave and rose and john

JADESPRITE: john!!!!!!!!!!!

JADESPRITE: oh noooooo, john...

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: D:

JADE: what is it now!

JADESPRITE: john, poor john...

JADESPRITE: id forgotten about him

JADE: what do you mean, how could you forget about john???

JADESPRITE: it was so long ago! i put that sad memory behind me

JADESPRITE: after we died i looked all over for him but couldnt find him

JADESPRITE: and i was so lonely, but i finally got over it when i met my friends.....

JADESPRITE: and now theyre gone toooo aaahhhh boooooooo hoo hoo hoo hoo

JADE: but john didnt die!

JADE: i saved him

JADE: YOU saved him, dont you remember?

JADE: you pushed him out of the way of prospits moon at the last minute, and hes ok now!!!

JADESPRITE: oh my god prospit.....

JADESPRITE: ...........

JADE: oh nooo jade please dont

JADESPRITE: BOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: :C

JADESPRITE: why are you doing this to me, why are you making me remember

JADE: :(

JADESPRITE: it was so beautiful and it was all destroyed before i even knew what was going on....

JADESPRITE: and so many nice people were killed

JADE: i know jade i was there too...

JADE: these are both our memories!

JADESPRITE: and the queen, did she survive?

JADESPRITE: and her ring, i was protecting her ring, oh noooo what happened to it???

JADE: jade, pleeease...

JADESPRITE: i was just waiting for john to wake up, i was so sure it was going to be soon

JADESPRITE: and i was going to show him around prospit

JADESPRITE: i had so many things planned and so many friends to introduce him to...

JADESPRITE: he was my best friend and i was looking forward to meeting him for so long

JADESPRITE: but then it all burned down and everyone died and the moon fell and..........

JADE: stop...

JADE: you are going to make me cry too, stop it!!!

JADESPRITE: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

JADE: *sob*

JADESPRITE: woooof...

JADE: PFFheheh... *sob* hehehehehehe

JADESPRITE: i dont want to be here, i have to go back

JADESPRITE: but i dont know how

JADESPRITE: can you help me?

JADE: you want me to help you...

JADE: die again?

JADESPRITE: yes, i think thats what i would like

JADESPRITE: i cant take this, i wasnt ready to come back

JADESPRITE: not like this

JADE: wow...

JADE: ok, i know this is my fault

JADE: but that is a really hard thing to ask me to do!

JADE: even if it was possible the way you are now

JADE: i dont think i could go through with it :(

JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo

JADE: ok ok shhhhh...

JADE: jade listen

JADE: i never did tell you why i brought you back

JADE: and it may be that

JADE: if you attempt what i wanted you to do in the first place

JADE: god i cant believe im saying this...

JADE: but you might end up getting what you want anyway

JADE: because it was always going to be risky

JADESPRITE: what is it?

JADE: well, you remember the guy who destroyed prospit?

JADESPRITE: oh god D:

JADESPRITE: ohh god noooooo...

JADE: shh!!!

JADE: anyway, he is the reason i brought you here

JADE: he has the same powers you have, making him unbeatable to us...

JADE: but maybe not you!

JADE: so you could go find him and

JADESPRITE: you want me to fight him???

JADE: um

JADESPRITE: are you crazy? do i look like i am ready to fight anybody???????

JADE: i just thought

JADE: as long as youre here

JADESPRITE: i cant fight anybody!

JADESPRITE: jade i am scared and confused and sad and...

JADESPRITE: i wouldnt even know how to begin fighting that horrible guy

JADESPRITE: i would be too afraid of him to even go find him

JADE: but

JADE: i thought you wanted to die?

JADE: you wouldnt go even if he could...

JADESPRITE: no i dont want him to kill me!!!

JADESPRITE: you just dont understand aaaaa boo hoo hoo

JADE: jeez...

JADE: youre right, i really dont

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: i said SHH!

JADE: wow

JADE: jade...

JADE: i dont mean to be insensitive but

JADE: there is a lot at stake here!

JADESPRITE: woof

JADE: i... pfhehe, dont change the subject!

JADE: i mean, dont you remember what this was all about?

JADE: what you were working for... what WE were working for all those years before you died?

JADE: remember what we saw in the clouds, or what the queen told us?

JADESPRITE: uh...

JADE: how could you not remember john survived?

JADE: we both saw him in a cloud! he was in his dream suit and awake, reading our letter!

JADE: didnt you think about that?

JADESPRITE: ummmm, so? what does it matter?

JADE: ...

JADESPRITE: it was all a lie jade. what we saw in the clouds and all that. none of it meant anything

JADE: what!!!!!

JADE: how can you SAY that?

JADESPRITE: it was a nice life, but everything we did lead to nothing

JADESPRITE: john and i both died, and i eventually accepted that and moved on

JADE: JOHN DIDNT DIE!!!

JADE: omg...

JADE: this is so frustrating, i just told you he didnt

JADE: i knew i was kind of ditzy and forgetful in my dreams, but

JADESPRITE: boooo ho-

JADE: SHHHHH! okaaaaaay, jeez!

JADE: i just dont know what to think

JADE: i guess you are part of me, and you are who i was when i slept

JADE: but it makes me sad to think i would act like this

JADESPRITE: act like what?

JADE: i would like to think that even if i was sad and scared, if i was put in a position where everyone depended on me, i could put all those feelings aside and do whats right!

JADESPRITE: but i dont know whats right

JADE: yes you do!

JADE: even though you dont want to be, youre here now, and there are still people who need you

JADE: there is still something worth fighting for!

JADESPRITE: no!!!

JADESPRITE: not for me there isnt

JADESPRITE: there is nothing but death and sadness and destruction here

JADESPRITE: theres no hope, and i dont see anything worth fighting for

JADE: that is a horrible thing to say!

JADESPRITE: i dont belong here anyway

JADESPRITE: really none of this is my business anymore and i want to go home

JADE: AUGH!

JADE: that is SO SELFISH!!!

JADE: i cant believe this

JADE: how can you say these things, dont you remember anything that the queen told us?

JADE: that we would eventually build a new world and make a future together with our friends?

JADE: dont you remember being excited about finding out what that meant?

JADESPRITE: yes

JADESPRITE: but it was just a story

JADESPRITE: it was never going to come true

JADE: yes it will!!!

JADE: some of us, the ones who still have hope, are fighting for that RIGHT NOW

JADE: how can you have such a negative outlook on absolutely everything?

JADESPRITE: boo hoo ho-

JADE: shut up!!!!!!

JADE: stop being such a damn crybaby!

JADE: really, we both had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCES. and look, i am managing to keep my head up, see?

JADE: you dont even have the full picture either, because you checked out early!

JADE: you didnt have to stand by as bec gave jack his powers when you might have been able to stop that

JADE: and you didnt have to watch as jack became so strong he could appear anywhere and kill anyone you loved at any moment!

JADE: you didnt have to see a dave lying in his own blood :(

JADESPRITE: what...

JADESPRITE: dave?

JADESPRITE: he died too?

JADE: no, see...

JADESPRITE: ohhhh boo-

JADE: HEY! no. youre not allowed to cry about that because you DIDNT SEE IT

JADE: thats the whole point!!!

JADE: you are just looking for any excuse you can to be sad and useless and its starting to piss me off!

JADESPRITE: *sniffle*

JADE: no

JADESPRITE: *whimper*

JADE: NO. BAD.

JADESPRITE: aaaaaaaBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: NO, FOR GODS SAKE WILL YOU SHUT UP AND PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY

JADESPRITE: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

JADE: I SAID PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU BLUBBERING GODDAMN PANSY

JADESPRITE: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: JUST SHUT UP. DRY YOUR CRYBABY EYES, STOP BEING A COWARD, AND GO FIGHT JACK NOIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: SHUT UP

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: NO

JADE: JUST

JADE: GOD DAMN IT

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: PLEASE

JADE: JUST ONCE

JADE: SHUT THE HELL UP

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: SHUT UP

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: SHUT

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: THE

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: FUCK

JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO

JADE: UP

JADESPRITE: 😭

[spikeinthepunch]

rebrand conflict

idk how to decide what is a good or bad decision in terms of like...wanting to rebrand. i wish i could count back to how long i have used "morrysillusion" overall, i dont have a specific date. but i know after the white/brown antelope/wolf fursona, i think i dropped "moreyytilatot"? i think i tried to just go by "morey" in some form (i recall "princemorry" url). and then i dropped the 'nisovinsillusion' url maybe in early 2016? but i also had the coffini url here for a good while after. i cant remember if i used morrysillusion outside of tumblr around that time so. idk...

and heres the thing-- i dont really feel disconnected from my username, its fine and i think its p cool. but also in my head i keep wanting to change it, and part of that is wanting to claim a super old username i have no bad associations with. and i think part of that is bc of all the ways i am trying to do the things i was denied through my younger years-- so i am just reliving a lot of nice things and recalling the vibes and online trend etc i had. but also like.... attitude? personality wise? i feel like im not reflecting that w my current "brand" so to speak. at the very least if i didnt change my username, i still dont feel like the current look is something i want. i think the urge on the username change is just an additional feeling to push away from what i have been under this name.

the username i keep wanting to fall back to is 'spikeinthepunch/spikedpunch' (had the short one on xboxlive and the long one on deviantart) which was a short lived username but has no negative relations to anything, and i wished i kept it for a bit longer. and its kind of an edgy username lol. but in my recent years of growing as an adult, moving out, and being my own person, i feel soooo different than how my accounts have been presenting me. i guess ive been like soft, simple, and stiff in presentation? i think i fell into this when i was thinking id keep doing art commissions etc in a "professional" way, and especially bc i was doing my CN internship around then and wanted to still look presentable for the industry when looking for jobs. and while i certainly would love to work in the creative industry potentially, i obviously dont need to keep up that Normal-er image, i never should have, but also at that age and time i didnt feel like i could be that way at all. i was far more nervous of people interpreting me badly, negatively, etc if i was more edgy or mature. i was young and not dealing with my issues and so fixated on trauma etc.

this is also lining up w my plans to rework my website too. and i think a lot of this feeling also comes along w my "mascot" who i think is lovely! but him being a "mascot" makes him.... very detached from me as a person. i havent had any sonas to relate to in almost over a year... and my mascot was never meant to be a sona, just a Guy to represent my vibe (the colors, aliens) and social media appearance. and i guess i dont like that vibe anymore. i havent even felt all too into the shift i made to Mikike just having a vague spacesuit either, i felt i was just forcing that in order to fit the simple minecraft skin format for readability. (if people were to draw my skin, making it plantigrade and less animal would be easier)

and of course an additional observation i have had in more recent times are manic episodes that make me uproot parts of my life and change a lot of stuff about my identity etc. it may not seem like that happens online but its bc i manage to hold back on changing things abt my online branding lol- but it often results in making sideblogs for whatever new fandom/media i attached to in my episode and irl changing my entire appearance to fit and much more (and promptly drop both in about a month or so- its why i have so many abandoned sideblogs). this is obviously the bigger issue bc its what makes it Very hard for me to not do this (n yes i am in a bit of an episode rn despite my medication so...). and shocker, so many of my username/url changes and failure to ever keep one long enough to form an identity is related to that as well! its a surprise i havent done it in years but it was the expectation to stay with one identity, one look, in order to be Normal and recognized in a professional way, and i dont like that.

making this post and dumping thoughts has me thinking on a solution. as i said i dont really feel detached from my username. but what i dont relate to the most now is the way i feel i have gotten stuck in presenting myself online, and as a "brand". i want to toss out my color scheme, my mascot, my outward attitude. i want to let myself actually present in a way i like and not in a way that feels "clean". when my wcrp got shut down i had to come to the idea of acceptance and letting go of things i cannot control. and the reality of what truly doesnt matter in terms of what people may think of me. that was a huge pressure left on me for YEARS thanks to 2014-16 tumblr mindset and it is so so much harder to break esp if you want to try and be a creator and build an audience. i felt like i had become aware of this, and i have, but i didnt really click the fact that i wasnt into my current online presence bc i was still living with a piece of that era.. the fear of getting popular and being 'called out' for something for years ago, that wasnt even serious or bad, feeling like i was stepping carefully everywhere even when nothing was wrong. this doesnt entirely tie to WHY i want to do all the above. its just an observation on one of the things that hold me back too. just staying the same and staying safe. i hardly ever post, and while its something i chose to do its also a 'bonus' to not giving people much things to read off of me and assume from too.

this is getting too long and i think i have my point. idk what im gonna do but im thinking a lot abt how i should take control of my online life.

[tears-of-boredom]

i want to be dead. but you know, in that passive way where its just kind of a fact. im pretty sure its just my womanly hormones talking but i really dont see myself ever getting out of this mud. metaphorical mud i mean. im like laying in mud, and sometimes i manage to stand up,, but you know, im still standing in it, and covered in it. and eventually i fall back down. you know i seemingly really like to make up stupid metaphors. i have no idea why, maybe it makes me feel smart.

im tired. tomorrow i have a driving lesson. my first one. ever. im not really worried for myself, i just feel like the teacher is going to be dissapointed in me or something.

ive been having annoying dreams. in the last one i was smoking with my sibling and i talked to them about how ive been having so many dreams where ive smoked. i hate that my dreams do that. reference other dreams as if they arent dreams themselves. makes it harder to wake up ya know. i wish id have a positive dream for once. amybe one about moving on my own and getting away from this family finally. or more like just getting away from mom. shes literally the only one i want to be away from.

ive been decorating my room. setting up shelves and buying trinkets from kontti. it kind of halted because i couldnt figure out why our nail gun wasnt accepting the nails i was putting in it, and then i couldnt find any other kind. and i didnt want to ask mom for help. and also i decided to do the net thing, which is the main thing, cuz ill hang shit from it. i guess i could hammer a hook into the wall for a painting...but the point was that ive been thinking about the fact that if i wanna move before im 18, all this decoration ive been planning wont have the opportunity to be up for that long. but also that was the reason that ive literally never felt comfortable decorating my room, even when the ones that were completely my own. and i decided that this time im not gonna make that mistake and just decorate if i want to, no thinking about how itll have to be taken down eventually.

anyways im just really sad, and i visited my sister recently and i was really close to crying just because her apartment seemed so safe and so much like it was hers. and i like really want that for myself. and im just sad. and i dont wanna go to the driving lesson tomorrow. not because i dont wanna go to the lesson itself, but because i feel like ill be like at my worst, and thus wont get that much out of it.

i really want to get out of this house. when we were moving, there was like two weeks where me and my brother spent the nights at this new apartment, while mom slept at the old one, just because our trips to school would be much shorter. and those two weeks felt like heaven honestly. i didnt even realise why i felt so good and happy, until mom started sleeping here as well, and all the joy drained from me in an instant.

i dont know how to express to the adults in my life how much i want to live on my own. because im just a child. a fifteen year old child. and living with a different adult wont work. it has to be alone. i can promise you that when i fucking get that apartment, no matter how small or shitty, i will cry tears of happiness and relief.

im hesitant to even type these words but: maybe i should talk to my mom about this. just tell her that i really want to move out. no feeling-sharing needed.

i wanna go skydiving without a parachute. soar through the air for the first and last time in my life.

i wish i could fly. ive wished that for a long time. i remember wishing it ever vacation i had to spend up north. and everytime i spent a recess alone in the school yard.

i hate that im crying just because im menstruating. it makes me feel like my emotions arent true. not like i trust my emotions to be true any other fucking time.

why is life like this. why do so many people get to live so easy lives and then i have to do this shit.

ohhkay i just felt the urge to go get a knife so im not going to feed my own anger.

im tired.

its weird because i do dissociate clearly, but its always more liek just, my body seems weird, and it feels realy creepy how my body just moves when i want it to. and i feel like im just watching through someone elses eyes. it cant be me whos so good at typing. im clumsy, i struggle with guitar chords and mute the wrong strings. why are my hands so soft. it feels really gross to be in this body. but still, in the back of my head i know that im ust making this all up in my head. because who the fuck else is this. of course its my finger that are typing my thoughts out.

even my fucking ring looks weird and foreign.why does my skin have a texture. why are humans os fucking gross.why do i have to feel things.

oh my god im driving myself into a fucking meltdown right down im going to force myself to stop.

[dsi-os]

to the anon

a genuine response and message for you.

look anon, im sorry for your harsh situation. but also i dont think you even bothered to read my post. i do not hoard the money i work for and the money thats donated. it goes to my survival. and i literally do work to make enough for me to leave my bad housing and start over. once again. i dont specifically ask for it. im not forcing anyone to donate. its fully optional. would you rag on any creator on patreon for asking for donations? would you rag on anyone who is trying to escape a bad housing for asking for donations? id hope you dont. honestly anon, you should ask for donations too. there are people. strangers. who care about you. who want to help you. kindergarten teaches everything about helping eachother. you shouldnt see donations as a horrible thing. theres no shame in asking for help. please anon. what youre going through seems horrible, but thats no excuse for treating me like this and assuming every wrong thing about me. anon. get help. i dont mean that in a bad way. please, genuinely. find people who can help you. at first you made me angry, and while i'm still upset, im actually worried. you have a point, i do have a "safer" situation. but this isnt a homelessness competition.

anon please. go get help. /srs. youre not safe where you are. theres no shame in letting others help. and you can always pay them back if youd like to. i plan on doing the same once i have a safe place and stable income. im not going to be showing your ask publicly, once again, but im not trying to "hide the truth" or whatever. that was for your own safety and privacy. you shared information that you probably shouldnt be sharing to someone random just because you dont like them. but really. please open your donations. hell. once i can get money, even i'd donate. you've made me upset, but you need help. genuinely. im worried for you dude. sorry for blocking you and all that, and if you open your donations, after i donate i might just block you again because. i understand your bad situation but youre really an asshole about it. (considering in the last ask you sent, you compared me to the terf begging for money because she lost her food stamps, meanwhile im a whole ass trans person who is just simply asking for optional donations because im not in a safe place and it makes it easier for me to get a place .) also. to clear things up: -i said id buy a house because theres no rentable houses, apartments, or shelters. i cant even find roommate listings that i could go to yet. im trying to make it so we DONT need to be on the streets again. idk if maybe i worded it wrong? because i said "buy, if not rent" as in "if i cant find something to rent, i'll need to buy it" . so im sorry if it goes the other way around, as "rent, if not buy" ?? i really thought i worrded that right -i AM using the money to get out of the house . but i also need to survive . so . yknow. im not sure what youd expect. every shelter where i live is fucking expensive if that tells you anything. -yeah. my parents are working and so am i. are we making ANYWHERE NEAR ENOUGH? no. we arent. do you know jobs that actually pay enough to let you get shelter?? id love to hear. /srs -i barely have an income. ive gotten more money with the few donations ive ever gotten than ive EVER made with my commissions. my commissions do not bring in a reliable income. i can not survive off of them. -my donation post didnt become a meme. i linked my donation post ON a meme i made, because it was getting traction. in the same vain as when people promote their art stuff under hit posts. except my stuff is optional. -the truth of your ask was literally saying "shame on me" for asking for donations. you literally said this: (im only showing this one because you requested me to. and again, how much was incorrect, for context.)

you literally told me the equivalent of "you need help to survive? go fuck yourself" instead of saying anything helpful. AND more than HALF of the assumptions was wrong, as i showed you before. -people DO care if it doesnt belong to me. im constantly under threat about it. if they didnt care then i'd call this home. but its not my home. i dont belong here. its a house i barely have permission to stay at. -id never ask people who cant donate to EVER donate to me. its optional. im not forcing anyone to. everyone who does donate is because theyre nice people. even if they dont know me, they want to help. -i was talking about buying a house because theres nothing else we can do to be safe. theres no shelters. no roommate things. no apartments we can AFFORD. the only thing we found we might be able to afford as a shelter was an old trailer house! big surprise really. for you AND us. thats why thats our newest and safest plan and option. were working towards that. honestly we were hoping we can end the donation thing soon, so youre literally upset when were finally near the end of this. -lastly. this? -v

can be easily disproven with -v

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GoFundMe - i may not have my gofundme anymore because i lack the correct phone, but my point stands. life is hard for everyone, and they DO ask for money. they reach out for help. i am legally homeless. and poor. i am housed, but not under proper law. my aunt mistreats me and my parents. my focus is on my safety and leaving this place. all my money has to be constantly used to buy food. most of it not even ever going to me, and its never even enough to feed my family properly. none of this is a joke. anon. please. get help. /srs please open your donations. please ask for help from people you know and trust. itll only get worse if you dont. i only ask for help because me and my family arent able to make enough to get out by ourselves. youll find so many like us on gofundme and similar things. i am not doing this out of greed. im doing this out of necessity. trust me. it doesnt feel good having to rely on strangers and their kindness. but i physically cant do anything else yet. please keep yourself and the people you trust safe dude. i dont care if you hate me, or if you made me angry. please. ask for help. youre not safe. im not just saying this out of a "told you so". im saying this because you need help. youre not alone. the internet is much kinder than you think, as long as you dont attack first. /gen

again. i dont care if you hate me. i dont care if youre upset at me. i dont care if my existence and failure to find work and survive makes you so angry alone. i want you to ask for help. unfortunately not here, because... i cant help you with my situation. but anywhere else. trust me. youll be okay. asking for donations isnt as bad as you make it out to be. genuinely. please be safe, please ask for help, please take care of yourself. maybe in the future i can help you too. we'll see. for now, i will not be responding or showing any more asks you send me. for the fact that youre extremely rude, and you keep sharing information that again, you shouldnt share to a random stranger. i wish you luck. somewhere. not here. please leave me alone, until you learn how to behave and treat people. please be safe out there. good luck. /gen goodbye. tl;dr: i know you hate me for the fact i cannot do the same things as you, and so i ask for help. but i want you to ask for help too. you need it. genuinely. please be safe. take care of yourself. i wish you luck.

[v1x3n]

Don't know how much you write him, but could I get some plain fluffy friends to lovers with Gaz? Reader has been on several dates because they've wanted to find love before it's too late, but they've all either shown the reader up or cancelled entirely.

Reader is convinced that it's their fault. That no one sees them that way because they're unlovable, and tells this to Gaz over some wine or something. Gaz is determined to prove them wrong because he feels strongly for them. He just doesn't quite know how to show it until now.

♡⸝⸝ - GORGEOUS

kyle 'gaz' garrick ⸝⸝ navigation ୨୧ tags : fluff

୨୧ 𝘴𝘺𝘯𝘰𝘱𝘴𝘪𝘴 : you give up on love but thats where kyle garrick, your bestfriend, shows up.

"its useless" you sigh as you slump into kyle, your best friend. "what is?" he perks up as you two connect eye contact, his arm slung over your shoulder and he brought you closer to him. "love." as he flung you closer, you could smell his colone fill your nose, his scent was strong but at the same time subtle.

"wha's happened now then? whats the mix up?" he scoffs, "thought you were lookin' for 'the dream guy'" mocking you as his hand grabs your shoulder and yanks you around. "yeah, turns out theres no such thing" a huff sounds from you.

kyles expression didnt change as he sighed loud, "well how was your last date" his hand slithered down and lingered around your neck, his fingers caressing the side. "shit show! he didnt even fucken show up." anger shows on your face as you think about the dickhead. you had planned the whole thing and he hadnt even showed! "id recken its me, i mean all thesw fit guys and they all flake?"

his head snaps at you, his is when his expression falters. "love, is not your fault." his eyebrows knit together and his eyes squint to see the fucking shit your talking. "it is! i jus' think im unloveable, im just a mess" your head falls into your hands and you huff louder than needed. "ah fuck off wi'h that shite"

Kyle's smile fades into a scowl as he hears your self-deprecating words, his hand squeezing your shoulder in sympathy. "That's bollocks, you know that" he tells you, his voice firm. "anyone would be lucky to have you." You look up at Kyle, surprised with his words. he pauses slightly, his breath catching in his throat.His hand lingers on your neck, "youre gorgeous nd i dont want you saying utter shit"

your scoff is loud and dramatic almost, "whatever, you lie a lot though." Kyle's hand reaches up, his thumb coming to rest under your chin. "look at me" he demands, his voice a low growl. You lift your eyes to his, his gaze focused and intense. "you are fucking gorgeous and i dont want you thinkin otherwise! fucken hell, if i could show you - i would"

"show me?" you ask quizically. his eyes gleam with surprise at your request, a slow smirk spreading. His hand moves down the side of your face, cupping your jaw and tracing a path down to your collarbone, as if he were memorizing your every feature. His hand lingers on your collarbone, his fingers tracing patterns on your skin.

his lips connect to yoursas your eyes open with surprise. You freeze, stunned by the unexpected kiss but quickly relax, your eyes fluttering shut as you melts into his touch. his lips were soft against yours, you kiss him back as his teeth bite your bottom lip gently.

His mouth moves against yours, his tongue tracing a path across your lower lip and coaxing your mouth open. As he deepens the kiss, your bodies press closer together, and one of his arms wraps around your waist, pulling you even closer to him. The world outside melts away, as all you can think about is the way his mouth moves against yours, the way he seems to consume your every thought.

"ky-kyle" you breathe as you push him off, his eyes glow as he bites onto his bottom lip, "thanks" his smile gleams and you grab his hand, squeezing it once.

"you should 'show me how gorgeous i am' more"

comment to join main taglist

୨୧ taglist: @xxshadowbabexx // @wonyoungloversblog // @ambitiousabi4288 // @royaltysuite // @tiredlittle-wallflower // @namgification // @strawberrychita // @hilmiponken // @pinkslaystation // @snowyaddiction //

@rosiehale23 // @chnets // @butchbabes // @tulsajesvsfreak // @styrofoamplat3s

[mojavepumpkin]

2/6/24

interesting day today; got home at 10:40, it's 12:20 now. work was ok, I mean - closing was bad. really bad. its not on me though, so whatever. maybe its easier to cope when i can blame someone other than myself. the rest was good, i breaded today, which ive grown an affinity towards. ive been getting scheduled with P more than anyone else; he always puts me on breading. its cool to bread when hes managing because we can talk, which makes the time go faster.

before that i ate pizza, and a chicken breast as a kind of late lunch - i didnt eat much at school (H wanted it) - though i did eat breakfast which is semi-rare. It was a sausage biscuit. getting out of the school today was horrible, i think im gonna start leaving through the side exit down to new school road to avoid the traffic - also my theory has been basically confirmed, it is indeed easier, faster, and more fuel efficient to circumnavigate the traffic by going through deloach rather than to push through it in the morning.

i missed a beta meeting this morning, i dont know how many points i have - i dont care. C sat with me at breakfast today, which is a rare occurrence, i think me and him are becoming somewhat closer but i cant really tell. i missed the beta meeting because i didn't know about it in the first place but i would've made it ironically had i not woken up with greasy hair and decided to wash it this morning, and had i not taken the 'faster' way.

art class was good - well, we didn't get to talk much at all... actually, i take it back, art class was subpar. very little banter ensued, which is the real reason im in there. we had to do actual work. sucked. biology was fine, took a quiz, 96, test friday. im pretty sure she heard me refer to pollen as 'plant nut'.

lunch food sucked, but i didn't eat much of it so does that matter? english was fine, she attempted a pop quiz but i had already heard about it- plus it got interrupted by a tornado drill - which i'm pretty sure we failed. our plan is shoddy at best, we had kids double stacked on the walls. public speaking was interesting as always, meditated in there. which i might start doing regularly, i was anxious in there for some reason, meditating helped. mrs. waters reminds me of mrs. kelly.

i got mcdonald's after work, but ordered from the wrong one (the ghetto one by the college) so i had to go across town to get it, which added like 30 minutes to my route. the sandwich wasn't even that good. oh well. c'est la vie.

i should be going to sleep but i feel like im owed some me-time, and this is pretty much all im going to get. im gonna restrict instagram to 25 minutes a day, i think. ive reverted back to being a diet coke fiend. one of life's greatest pleasures is an ice cold diet coke from a can.

i need to put gas in my car but im trying to get it to where my mom has to fill it up when she drives my car on friday, i have 85 miles, its tuesday. i dont think im going to make it. i have a haircut one of these days, but im not sure when. ive been thinking about growing it out again, mostly because i saw chip gaines on that fixer upper show, and i think it looked kind of good in a weird way. but haircut for now.

i think writing about my day at the end of it is a good way to end my day. i need to get night face cream, i probably need to shave. if its not cold id like to get outside tomorrow. my legs hurt from standing all day. i cleaned my room today. ive been thinking about going to church. idk with whom. its been so long since ive been. maybe im missing out on something? idk, i'd go with C and M.E., shes invited me before, weird to think im actually considering it.

i suppose this is long enough already.

its only tuesday. i cant believe its only tuesday.

[spiderton]

not a question but a demand tell me your spiderton headcanons i need to know what you see in him /pos

hes uhhh sexy and desirable and very cute and kissable. anway jokes aside i have A lot i feel and its very "this probably came out of nowhere" depending on what you feel. and i have rambled before but i cant find the post containing my hcs so here i go once again...

-spidertons beginning wasnt. The best. compared to beetleton or gong who came from noble families he was on the lower middle class and (pretty unusual for spider zigotons) was an only child. he also was raised only by his mom and didnt really knew any of his cousins or uncles, so he was isolated.

-spiderton i feel is also a trans man thats a very projecty hc but i feel he still uses his birth name. like i have a deadname but i feel spiderton keeps his name (like kumoton. btw) because he didnt bother to change it

-he had grew up to be an engineer and possible architect but before being important he worked on cannons and other machinery. he was working towards at least being a higher up engineer when he was an adult but when the patapons seemed to be growing stronger, spiderton was now a general.

-spiderton became a general not out of talent but out of desperation, and despite still being on the technical side (such as planning strategies with gong) he was much more weaker and less known, and spiderton pretty much felt small for his entire life that such a role like this, despite being looked off, gave him pride.

-his relationship with beetleton is strange but yeah i see it as romantic (sorry...) the two had fought at first over minor things but eventually began to tolerate one another and bond. spiderton had seen beetleton as reckless and constantly scolded him about it, with beetleton actually listening in the end; the two found each other venting to one another about minor stuff before eventually becoming close enough that theyd share their duties. theres probably gay sex rumors abut them during that time who knows

-spiderton calls himself a dark warrior because he ended up growing close to goruru and beetletons cockiness grew on him. he also ended up being a kibaton because he was forced to ride a horse at moments (and he ended up liking horses a lot more than he should)

-spidertons life when he dies can go like. two ways. he survives or he becomes a demon..

-him surviving kinda ruins all the pride he had and he enters an awful emotional rut (and looses a leg). doesnt help that he feels betrayed by beetleton (and never really got to say goodbye), and feels sour at how gong was missed but hardly any celebrations when he was back alive. when gong returns he finds that spiderton wants nothing to do with him and works solely as an architect before moving off to the karmen continent. i see this as like the canon route to my aus and such but he does become better mentally

-if he becomes a demon (now kumotan), despite still being a cocky cunt he finds himself confused and left out. he literally leaves but instead of alive zigotons its akumatans and doesnt return out of feeling like he was a tool for everyone. his relationship with kuwagattan is, ehm, strained from them being alive, but i feel at some point kumotan tries to reunite with him out of guilt. probably also still has a missing leg

i will say not headcanons or anything but outside of. like my actual attraction to a square i find myself liking spiderton a lot for feeling.. unneeded? compared to huk or any other character spiderton seemed like he was.important and was tossed away from the story to focus on others.. i have like. a lot of issues with me feeling like id be replaced by my own friends or them secretly hating my guts.. its ehm. yeah

less sad reasons is that hes a cute bug zigoton, his horse wnd tank are cute, and spiderton is just so tttithtntntntntnnnbbbrbrbrbbbrrbbrbrbbbrbrbbbrrhhrbrbrb

[kath-artic]

im all mixed up right now and i feel so selfish

like outside of the whole 'still wanting this guy even though hes seeing someone now' thing, i feel so torn up and selfish because one of my closest friends is closer than id like her to be. i know the way i hurt people when they get close because i know myself and im not the kind of person that can devote myself to everyone around me 24/7. at least im not that person anymore. i had a really close friend in high school who i loved dearly and we talked about everything, but after a while he started saying we were exactly the same and treating me like a father figure and it shrunk me down in a way that made me uncomfortable, but i didnt know how to express that at the time because i didnt know how to be a person at that time. when i broke up with my last partner i cut ties with most people because i was so distraught and felt id lost my whole center of self, and this friend took that silence personally. to him it was abandonment, and i suppose it was selfish. i owed him an explanation. i know friendships arent meant to be easy and i was a coward for not confronting the situation after finding out that he felt that way. he cut me off because of it and im sorry i never apologized. i told myself i didnt want to have to justify the fact that i was suicidal, but that wasnt why i didnt give him an explanation. i didnt explain because i frankly was tired of being faced with a past version of myself who kept insisting we were the same. i was tired of being so close to something that held no mystery anymore. i didnt really want to go back when i was starting to find myself. it was a fucked up and cowardly thing to do and i shouldve been honest with him instead of continuing my silence. anyway, the point is i habe friends now who remind me of past versions of me. they dont say we're the same, but they seem to think they understand me completely even though i know they dont (and thats okay. i dont expect them to, i just wish they would be more open to the idea that there are parts of me they might not get instead of trying to squeeze me into a box of things they DO get). they also rely on me the same way. every decision is run past me, activities are only carried out if they involve me. one of my friends just started calling me their best friend and i wouldnt think much of it if they didnt make such a big deal out of being anxious about it and now its got ME anxious because clearly it means a lot to them and i knowwww the kind of space i need and the way ive disappointed those whove put me on this pedestal before. same friend just invited themselves to something im doing with another friend and now they keep texting me for details and i dont know what to do. i frankly dont really want them to come and its for no reason other than i see them too often and the plans i made were kind of special for me and the friend i made them with.

ugghhhh i just never know when im being an asshole. when establishing boundaries is me overstepping someone else's. how uncomfortable i should be willing to get for another person. i guess thats just the way it goes though. i dont know that theres such a thing as a right answer to this. i think sometimes people have boundaries and needs that are incompatible and sometimes we have to be willing to bend and other times we have to be willing not to push. thats why its important to know more than one person, you know? whats 'too far' for one person might not be for another

this is all besides the point. the problem is that for as brutally honest as i can be about certain things, im terrible at being honest about my own boundaries/needs. i didnt get with that guy because i didnt know how to be honest about the fact that i really liked him. i shouldve just said that i enjoyed our conversation instead of trying to play it cool or whatever dumb shit i did. and i lost one of my closest friends because i didnt tell him i needed more space. i owe it to this friend to be honest about that.