#i say unhappy because so far all the signs point to that. it COULD be a bait and switch but i doubt t

[augustameretrix]

I put an alarm at 3 am for the AAA finale but I'm actually expecting to be thoroughly disappointed yuri-wise. just burying my expectations next to the gays juuust in case you never know

[myfictionaldreams]

Hey :) i would love to ask for a spicy Lucius Malfoy x Reader ☺️ something like Reader is a young Teacher in Hogwarts and Lucius and her are having an (very serious) affair (takes Place in the chamber of secrets).

The School Governor //Lucius Malfoy x Fem!Reader

A/N: Thank you so much for the request! I've never written Lucius before, but hopefully, you'll enjoy it!

Tags: 18+ readers only, smut, infidelity/cheating, secret relationship, rough sex, creampie, fingering, squirting, tension, praise kink, size difference, Narcissa bashing (sorry!), kissing, fluff/angst

Words: 2.8k

my masterlist 📚

AO3 Link

“Are you sure you’re supposed to be here at this time of day, Mr Malfoy?”

The corner of the man’s lip twitched up like he was trying to smile but attempting to conceal it by remaining stoic. You were then faced with his signature sneer, those piercing grey eyes wandering over your appearance as if he was assessing whether he even wanted to waste his time. “It seems I’ve become lost on my travels around Hogwarts. Might you show me the way out?” Lucius asked with disdain thick in his voice

“Of course, Sir. Just this way”, you pointed in the direction you’d just walked from. No one even blinked an eye in either of your directions as you led him away from the grouping of students who were all on their way to bed as the night drew closer to curfew.

Your head remained forward, not once looking over your shoulder to check if he was following as you knew that he would be. You thanked Merlin for having an office so far away from students and other professors as the main offices were already lived in. You were new to the school, recently hired to assist Madam Pomfrey with Herbology, as she was too busy trying to attend to the Mandrakes.

The job may have been due to the recommendations of the man following closely behind you, his cane clicking against the stone floor and billowing close, switching the dust in whichever direction he turned.

As you both approached further towards the greenhouses and, thus, your office, there was a blossoming of heat and anticipation spreading from the centre of your chest to the tip of your toes. This was always something that your body seemed to do whenever within arms reach of the school’s governor. Moreover, he always seemed to be at the school nowadays, stating that he was there on school business, especially with the latest attacks on the students.

This is just an excuse, however, pretending to look around the school to catch the Headmaster in a scheme, but really, he would be sneaking to your classroom, office or meeting in the Forbidden Forest.

It was wrong. More than wrong. He had a wife, whom he was incredibly unhappy with, having been forced into a marriage as soon as he’d finished his time as a student at Hogwarts. All to abide by the pure blood status and traditions without any sort of say in the matter. Forced to live a life of misery, reproduce and have heirs and then die in a loveless marriage.

This was the only reason you had continued to meet with him. The ache in your heart quickly succumbs to his negative life. You knew he was manipulative, quick-tempered and had questionable ideologies on the dark arts. But when it came to Lucius Malfoy, it was as if your mind purposefully ignored these warning signs, mainly because he never discussed or acted in a horrible way around you.

You were always his peace and tranquillity, his little saviour in the dark before the world's realities came crumbling down around him. There you were, gifted with the raw, passionate, and incredibly loving man who held your hand when walking past, stroking your cheek to catch any slipped tears when it was time to say goodbye for a few more weeks.

It was a complex relationship to have and made even more so when you were now having to teach his son, Draco, who seemed to be a smaller copy of his Father, to be even more arrogant at his young age. It meant that you could give him additional help to boost his grades and, therefore, please his father, which, in turn, helped bring positivity into the secret relationship.

As you were greeted with the view of the long corridor that led to your office, your steps slowed as Lucius snapped, “Dobby. Check the area is clear for any prying eyes”.

With a flash out of the corner of your eyes, Dobby appeared and disappeared, apparating further down the corridor in multiple positions to check if the two of you were truly alone.

“The area is clear, Master”, Dobby approached before disappearing completely. You and Lucius rushed the remaining way to the office. You opened the door wide enough for him to follow through and slammed closed. As your wand waved in front of the handle, thoroughly locking the two of you in, a hand gripped your hip, turning your body so that your back met the door's wood.

A leathery gloved hand then cupped your jaw, tilting your face back so that Lucius could kiss you with as much desperation and urgency as you felt in the centre of your chest. It almost hurt with how much pressure his face was applying to yours, his warm breath fanning across the apple of your cheeks with where his nose was pressing. Your hands lifted to grab any part of him and ended up clinging onto the opening of his cloak, harshly tugging him even closer until there wasn’t a gap between your bodies.

Releasing a soft moan from your throat, this seemed to begin moving further, both gloved hands now cupping both of your cheeks in a safe cocoon as his thumbs caressed careful circles against your skin.

The coldness of the material wasn’t enough to satisfy your need for him as you dipped your head to free your mouth. “Off! I need your clothes off!”

Lucius’s baritone laugh burst across your face as he stepped back to give the two of you some room. “Such a demanding little thing, aren’t you?”

“I am when you’re wearing so many layers! Take them off!”

He chuckles at your reaction once more but finally begins to remove the cloak from his shoulders and gloves from his hands, next attempting to undo the luxurious vest jacket that he wore. The buttons running down the middle were taking too long for him to undo, so you quickly gripped either side of the best and pulled hard, surprised by your strength as the buttons began to pop off and tumble.

“Do you know how expensive this was?” he asked incredulously, but humour still danced behind his bright eyes.

“I’ll fix it at the end”, you say breathlessly, wrapping both arms around his neck and pulling him in for another heated kiss. A perfect mix of lips, teeth and tongue, all moving together, nipping, licking and sucking. Neither mouth pulled apart from the other, making the actions more frantic and chaotic with the attempts to remove more of the clothing articles. Soon, you both became frustrated by the barriers and settled for the basics.

Leaving your jumper and skirt on, you kicked off the shows, tights and underwear you’d been wearing as Lucuius kept his white shirt on but undid his leather belt to loosen his trousers and boxers until they were around his knees.

Lucius pulled back from the heated kiss first, but only so he could turn you around and push you face-first against the door. You huffed at the impact but soon were groaning in pleasure as he lifted your skirt and began to rock his dick against your folds, teasing you with gentle pressure before finding its home in your warm cunt.

“Silenco”, Lucius whispers, waving his hand as the atmosphere becomes dense as the spell renders the area soundproof. With the safety of the spell, your mouth fell open, and a barrel of dirty moans left your lips as you didn’t hold back from telling him how good it felt to be stretched by his cock once more.

Lucius dipped his height so that his forehead could rest against your cheek, breathing heavily as he thrust hard and deep. The pace was bruising to the side of your face, resting against the door, but nothing in the world would get you to stop at that moment. To be able to feel his thick length fucking hard into your pussy was something you craved every day.

As your hand reached the back of his head, gripping his silky white-blond hair, you gasped, “I’ve missed you”.

Lucuius groans as he nuzzles into your neck, biting the skin just below your ear as his arm moves around your waist, angling your hips so your arse is sticking out slightly so he can deepen the thrusts.

“I’ve missed you too, little witch. So much more than you could ever know”. Your heart could have stopped at his words, falling even more in love with him than you had before, which tightened your drenched walls even further around him. “I know you’re close. I want to feel you cum around my cock Darling, cum for me like the good witch I know you are”.

As he praises you, the arm around your waist slips beneath the front of your skirt so that he can roll your clit in circles, matching the pace of his hips. Your thighs tremble, fingers clenching his hair until it hurt, but Lucius didn’t stop until you were crying out in pleasure, cunt clamping in spasms around his length, and he, too, joined you through his own orgasm.

Lucius didn’t stop rolling his hips until you were sated and calm from cumming, and his seed had soaked as deep as he possible, caressing your cervix and then dripping out down your thighs. The two of you sighed in contentment, staying together, pushed against the wall, and just appreciating the moment you had tangled against one another.

“I didn’t expect to see you for at least another week. Have you come because of the attacks?”

“I feel as a good Govenor; my answer should be yes”, he whispered against the shell of your ear, nipping the lobe with his teeth, causing goosebumps to rise down your arms. “I can’t deny, however, that it was you that brought me here. I meant it when I said I missed you”.

Even with his softening cock still inside of you, he knew how to make your knees tremble as you blew out a long breath as you asked, “Can you please stay?”

You could feel his shoulders dropping and knew his answer before he’d even begun to speak, and sadness spread through your body, replacing the euphoric sensation. Lucius gently kissed the back of your head as he carefully eased himself away from you, “I’m sorry, my love, you know I can’t”.

Smiling to hide the upset, you turned to him, “I know. I’m sorry I always ask; I just hope that one day you’ll be able to say yes”.

His warm hands cup your cheeks delicately as you do the same for him, carefully moving some of the messy strands behind his ears. “I’m sorry”, he says earnestly.

“Could you stay for a drink at least?”

“I would never say no to a drink with you”. Lucius began to dress, looking significantly more chaotic than before but always looking crisp before leaving. All you managed to do was pick up your discarded clothes and shows, straighten your jumper and wait for him to wave his wand between your legs, cleaning up the mess he had created with a smile.

Walking further into the office, you entered through the hidden door at the back of the room leading directly into your living area. The fire sparked to life as soon as you stepped onto the roof, instantly filling the vast space with heat and an orange hue. Pouring the both of you a hefty glass of dark liquid, you both cheered the glasses together, taking a deep swig of the alcohol that burned your throat deliciously and then settled into the sofa.

You sat remarkably relaxed with him, leaving your bare legs thrown over his lip as his arm settled around your shoulders to keep you close as you watched the fire lights dancing with the flickers of the flames.

“He’s nearly top of the class, but I think he’d have a hard time trying to best both Longbottom or Granger”, you explained sometime later as Lucius asked how Draco was fairing in your class. The man scoffs, only earning him a slap to his chest, “Hey! They’re my students; stop that”. Thankfully, he held his tongue and didn’t prattle on his biased opinions on pure-bloods or traitors, which he had quickly learnt was nothing you were particularly focused on. “Could I ask about what the governors are going to do about the attacks? I don’t want them to close the school, but it feels so dangerous now that students are being attacked”.

Lucius’ arm tightens around your shoulder as his lips press against your temple. “Nothing will harm you, Darling, and I’ve told you this already: I can’t speak of the Governor meetings. We’re sworn to secrecy”.

“It’s not me I’m worried for. It’s the children. It means - aren’t you worried about Draco?”

Your head tilts back on his arm so you can look up into his effortlessly handsome face, expecting him to be worried. However, he only appeared to be as calm and in control as ever, his grey eyes dancing with yours and the bottom lip you’d tucked between your teeth.

“Not at all. He’s in the safest house with the safest blood. I have no worries for my son”. His answer confused you, but you’d just put it down to his many prejudices and superiority complex. Reach up to stroke the smooth sin of his jaw, and you can’t resist the temptation to lean closer and kiss him deeply, tasting the alcohol on his tongue that matched your own.

“What’s it like?” you ask between kisses, unable to stop yourself from asking. “At home, I mean, what’s it like? Do you have any happiness at all?”

“You know I’m not happy and never will be with her”, he answers abruptly, to look at you with a questioning gaze.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I know you hate her”. You refuse to say her name both from shame and jealousy. “Do you have anything else that brings you joy? I hate the thought of you being alone in a big house with no one to give you any positivity”.

The hand lazily resting across your calves begins to draw circles into the skin as he contemplates his answer. “Without Draco there, I have no one. Narcissa and I may eat meals together, but that’s as far as it goes. We never talk; we even sleep in separate rooms. Everything is always for show, which is why these moments with you, where I get to be with someone I genuinely love, mean the most to me”.

You shake at his words, feeling the edges of your eyes water as you cling to him with even more desperation. What's more, the hand on your calf was beginning to slowly creep up the sensitive area of your inner thigh, distracting you from continuing the conversation as your legs automatically parted, giving him more room.

“Lucius”, you pleaded, eyes following his long fingers, the thick silver ring with the ‘M’ wrapped around his thumb adding extra sensitivity with the coolness of it against your skin.

“Shh, I’ve got you, little witch. Just relax for me”, he whispered against your temple as his fingers finally reached their goal. Your head tipped onto his shoulder as your back arched. All of your thoughts were centred on the skillfully trained fingers as he explored your dampening folds, spreading them with ease to give his middle finger the path to your eagerly awaiting hole.

You were a mewling mess as he eased two fingers into your cunt, coating the digits in your juices and rocking them in and out carefully. Lucius began to move the arm around your shoulders, relaxing his hold so he could lie you down on the sofa as he leaned over you, his mouth hovering just above yours.

“Are you going to be good for me, my Darling?” he asks, his warm breath teasing you once more as your legs try to clamp his hand in place.

“Yes!” Your shout was abrasive, but only because he’d already caused you to become a pathetic mess. Lucius smiled against your lips but didn’t move to kiss you properly as he applied more pressure with his fingers and thumb and stroked your clit.

You could feel his soft hair falling around your face as he began to curl his fingers inside of you, pounding that one spot within you that had you seeing stars. You weren’t able to say a coherent word as moisture squirted from your cunt, coating his fingers and wrist as he continued the action at a hard and fast pace.

The sloshing noise was obscene to your ears as he made you squirt over your thighs, sofa and his black trousers. You weren’t even sure you’d came as everything went from 0-100 with how intense his fingers had made you feel.

When he slowed his curling digits, you were a gooey mess in his arms. A grin erupted across your face as he sighed into the cushions, leaning further into his chest as he kissed your temple, allowing you to catch your breath.

“I must go; it’s getting late. You know I love you, my little witch”.

“I love you too, Mr Malfoy”.

[etheries1015]

Hello! I love the way you write! Would I be able to request the reactions of some of the twst boys to MC telling them they snore (whether it's true or not)? I think Malleus, Riddle, and Azul would have fun reactions, but anyone you feel like writing would be great! Thank you!

Thank you for the compliment heuheu... much appreciated <3

When they snore

Featuring: Malleus, Riddle, Azul, Rook, Vil

General warnings: Gender neutral reader

Malleus

The moment you told him he snores, he was concerned. Was he troubling you with his sleeping habits? Were you unhappy sleeping with the fae because of this, to the point where it was noticeable? The moment the words left your mouth, he began to word vomit.

"Is that an issue? Is my snoring preventing you from getting a night of good rest? I...Suppose I could sleep elsewhere if it will grant you a full night of sleep.." Que him going down a rabbit hole of solutions, you couldn't get a single word in. Eventually, it came time for classes to begin, to which you hadn't the chance to explain your statement to the panicked fae.

When night fell and it was time for bed, his tail swayed sadly as he stood in the doorway. "I suppose I shall sleep out here, my love," He said, as lightning of vibrant green flashed outside your window.

As he turned his back and began to sulk away, you quickly ran up behind him with a bear hug.

"Malleus, would you stop and listen to me for a second?" You laughed, "When I said you snore, I was going to tell you it was cute. Like an animal snoring lightly. You seem so at peace curled up in bed with your light snoring..."

The lightning went away as fast at it had came, and you felt his tail wrap around your waist as he turned to face you, arms pulling you close.

"Ah...ahem. I apologize for my unbecoming behavior before, then. I...was rather saddened at the thought I caused my beloved to lose well-needed sleep."

He's never been called cute before, but he's also never slept in the same bed with another person. So I suppose there's a first for everything <3

Riddle

Snores like a cat. The first time you had slept in the same room, the first thing you noticed was his high-pitched yet soft snores that were short and far between.

The morning you woke up, the first thing you said was; "Did you know you snore?" Riddle blinks at you a couple times before hitting you with his annoyed face (you know the one.)

"Snoring is perfectly normal," He told you, "It's caused by the rattling and vibration of tissues-"

You got a lecture on the scientific reasoning behind snoring. When he finished defending the nature of his sleeping habits, you finally hit him with the "You snore like a little cat! It's cute!"

His face turns as red as his hair, as always when he becomes flustered.

"W-w-wha- a cat?! How dare you compare me to a cat! I..I am not a cat..."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.." You seemed pretty guilty about upsetting him, he muttered "I suppose I'll let it go..." and moved on.

All in all, as long as you aren't losing sleep because of him, he will forgive you for your previous teasing statements. However, from that day forward, you have noticed his ears take a rosy hue with shy glances your way before he heads to bed...

Azul

"Did you know you snore? Pretty loud, too. Is that like...a merman thing?"

His face turns red IMMEDIATELY. He was so embarrassed. The first time he allows someone to be near him in such a vulnerable state, and he blows it by being a snorer. A loud one, at that.

"Snoring is not common for merfolk! Being under the sea, most don't struggle with such a thing...but I would say being above water, the air that goes through my soft palate-"

Great. Another scientific review on snoring. Only Azul, on the other hand, cannot seem to keep eye contact with you.

"Please don't tell anyone. You must sign on it!"

You spent an hour comforting poor Azul, telling him it's nothing to be ashamed of, and giving him lots of hugs and cuddles. But he still continues to insist you sign a NDA to the information you had uncovered.

He was incredibly shy about having you sleep with him again, yet you managed to convince him. Azul is much more insecure than you may think about his image, however, you always seem to break his walls down.

Although, you did notice he began to wear nose strips at night, with books on sleeping habits and potions to help with snoring...old habits truly die hard.

Give him extra cuddles for the existential crisis you had instilled in your poor octo boyfriend <3

Rook

Oh boy. You had no choice but to tell him. He snores like your average forty-year-old dad. You genuinely lose sleep over it, even waking him up

"Rook, Rook. Honey. Please. I can't sleep. Your snoring is just too much, I'm sorry."

He actually finds it kind of amusing? For some reason? He asks you excitedly to tell him more about the things he does when he's sleeping.

He didn't really take you too seriously until he noticed the physical wear and tear. The bags under your eyes...

"Mon Cheri! Your eyes...have you not been sleeping well?"

"Rook. Your snoring. It's horrendous. Please."

He spends an hour doing EVERYTHING under the sun to help his snoring, for your sake! Moving around how his bed is set up, mouth exercises, the way he sleeps...He refuses to use strips, he doesn't like how they feel, and says it prevents his senses from being at their 100%.

He finds a way to help alleviate it, and you end up investing in some sleep time headphones. You make it work, because dealing with his sleeping habits is better than sleeping without him~

Vil

"Did you know you snore?"

He stares at you with his jaw open and his eyes wide. What...what do you mean he snores when he sleeps? Does he sleep with his mouth open? Does he look utterly ridiculous when he sleeps? All of these questions he bombards you with.

"Vil! Vil. I was kidding. I'm sorry. You sleep so quietly that I have to check if you're still alive sometimes. You're like a sleeping statue of perfection."

He was not amused. He almost had a heart attack and invested in the world's most expensive treatments.

Tackles you to the bed and ruffles up your hair, laughter ensuing at your silly little prank.

"Well, it's YOU who snores, potato. You're lucky I let you sleep here and not outside like a dog," He chuckles. He says this, yet you knew he loved you too much to go a single night without you by his side.

A link to my masterlist

[m1ssunderstanding]

Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 2.4

It's in the paper that Allen Klein was involved in 40+ lawsuits and John doesn't question it? At this point, I feel like he just didn't want to let Paul be right about anything. 

My question is who did that work on before? I mean who fucking does business like that? Let alone business with the most successful man in the world. 

John's complaining about Paul being too good at his job is both hilarious (what the hell is Paul supposed to do with that) and sad (it shows just how far their musical relationship has degraded from partners to rivals)

How did they lose Northern Songs? Genuinely, if anyone can break it down for me I'd be so grateful. Anyway I'm sure it was devastating for both of them. “Who'd have the children?” “Dick James”. 

I know I'm insane, but can I be allowed to see a glimmer of goodness here? I really do think it's John's kinder side winning out when he decides not to lie. Like, yes, he gets a buzz off of watching Paul go white at his words, but I think he also just – in that moment – didn't have the heart to trick Paul into staying. 

But also. Why are we trying to maneuver Paul at all if the end game is for John to leave? It just doesn't make sense to try to trick Paul into signing the contract unless John's divorce threat is at the very least not meant to be final. 

I will never understand this picture. Even in the emotional state he's in, he's still hamming it up? There is something seriously wrong with this man. 

I do find it interesting that the fact that Paul cried his eyes out after that meeting isn't even mentioned in the doc. I wonder why. 

Let's put the bizarre, super-warped timeline in this quote aside for a minute. Apparently the depression started after Brian died and it lasted for about two years and John was still in it during Pepper. Okay. That aside . . .

I have to assume this negative lense on what I can only assume means the period between 66 and 68 is highly influenced by hindsight bias. I agree that John was depressed at the time, in an unhappy marriage, doing too much LSD, etc and that looking at Paul's prolific talent and expansive , fast-paced life would have been maddening. But everyone go back to the end of part one really quick. He looks extremely happy. He sounds extremely happy. Everyone who knows him says he's never been happier. I think he just can't accept right now that there was so much good and he's lost it. 

“I look from the wings at the play you are staging . . . I don't know why nobody told you how to unfold your love.”

Insanity quote Hall of Fame. Paul explaining why the Beatles just had to break up, obviously, because he and John "didn't marry the same girl." Someone write the fic where John and Paul both marry the same girl. Could be Yoko or Linda. Sister trad wives au. 

Okay, cool, so this means I have full permission to interpret and tin hat about any lyrics I want then, right?

But also. Are we just not going to talk about the fact that Paul dumped a bucket of garbage water and punched this person? And are we not mentioning the depression and alcoholism and heroin abuse during this time?

It's so embarrassing how he looks to her for confirmation here. John, they asked you what you think. Just you. Not some complicated definition. Not Yoko's definition. Just your own thoughts.

“I couldn't wait for them to make up their mind about peace or whatever. About committing themselves.” Yeah, John. You sound real committed to peace. Or whatever. Here's a theory that anyone can shoot down if they want: John asked Paul for some kind of commitment (a friendship wedding, a partnership contract, a mutual wanking pledge) in India and Paul was a chicken about it. 

What was that day like, I wonder? I imagine extremely stiff and professional and horrid. But who knows. Maybe it was nice, and maybe that made everything worse.

I will go to my death believing that instant karma was for Paul. 

Do we think John actually did send Paul “about twenty postcards from Denmark” all covered in hearts none of which Paul responded to? Paul could be just as cruel in his lack of reaction as John was in his over reaction.

I'm sorry but that is not what a man says when he's just lying to the press to buy time for business. That's what a man says to the press when he's trying desperately to communicate with someone who he can't get through to any other way. 

But really, I just don't understand why the creator chose to minimize Paul's emotional response to John's divorce statement. If we don't see him bawling his eyes out and losing the will to live, he comes off like a self-assured, uncaring, jerk. Which. To be fair. John didn't see those things, and that is exactly what John thought of Paul during this time. But still. The audience now comes away from this doc with a skewed view. 

All we get is Paul being pissed off about Phil Spector butchering Let it Be without his consent and John and George trying to change McCartney's release date without his consent. Which are both a) understandable and b) strong, male, angry reactions. Making this section portray Paul in the same one-dimensional hyper-masculine way that John so often is. Which isn't my favorite. But hey, it's my only complaint about this doc so far.

Anyway, update: I won't be able to do part three until it gets reuploaded, so we're on hiatus for this project for the time being.

[heliads]

LISA YOU DID NOT GIVE ME TIME TO PREPARE FOR THIS!!! However, I already had a few ideas in mind for the next time you opened requests, so:

May I pretty please request a Thorin Oakenshield + gender-neutral reader where the reader is a fairy who comes along on the journey to Erabor because Gandalf thought they needed another magic-user? Reader is a very sweet sunshine who gets along great with all the other party members, but because Thorin doesn’t trust fairies the same way he doesn’t trust elves (because they didn’t assist the dwarves after Erabor fell the first time) he refuses to let them get close to him. However, he does start to get closer to them and develop feelings for them as time goes on, but after the Battle of the Five Armies (where everyone lives, obviously) they can’t find the reader for a while and Thorin is terrified they might be dead. And when they finally find them relatively unharmed Thorin freaks out and confesses his love because he doesn’t want to lose them, and then there’s a very nice fluffy ending??

Of course, if you don’t want to write this, that’s totally cool!! Thanks and I hope you’re doing well!! <3 <3

YESSSS i am ascending to a higher plane thank you for this SUBLIME request

masterlist

The water is wide, the mountains high; no journey worth taking was ever meant to be easy, so you may assume from the first few treacherous days of your travels towards the Lonely Mountain that this quest of yours will be quite worthy indeed. It is not in your nature to spend much time musing on the unhappiness of a time, only to find its merits, but, well, there are far more sources of unhappiness than happiness on this particular journey. 

It would not be too much of a leap for even your optimism to be brought down a notch or two, to say the least. Already, your smiles are lacking a little at the seams; your jokes, not among your finest work.  Patience is stretched thin amongst the company, and the shadow of Erebor is no closer to the tips of your boots than the Shire far behind you.

The Shire was not your home, though, only the starting point. The last member of the company was Bilbo Baggins, your burglar, and he took quite a bit of convincing before he was willing to set a single foot beyond the familiar confines of his home. You’re not sure he was wrong to question the idea of the quest, though, nor if he regrets it already or not. Danger dogs your heels like a bloodhound, plus the rest of the company is nothing like any of the hobbits Bilbo has ever met.

Bilbo Baggins would not be the only one confused by his company, however. As a faerie, you’ve had the opportunity to travel far past the bounds of your city, to meet characters both kind and cruel. The Fae cluster in settlements like elves, but they disperse themselves to the winds, too. Most of you end up tossed to the whims of Fate soon enough, anyway. This was your chance to get to know the world you inhabit, and it appears you’ll get far more of a tasting of it than you ever expected.

It’s not terrible. That should go without saying. You are not unhappy that you are here, nor bitter that you signed the contract to join the company of Thorin Oakenshield when you could have stayed at home to rot. It is a good cause, this, and it will bring you both glory and treasure, should you want it.

The biggest problem, if you were going to be completely honest with yourself, would be that dwarf tasked with managing all of you, Thorin. You get along splendidly with all of the other dwarves, and Gandalf has been a friend of yours ever since you wowed him with a particularly ingenious magic trick when you were small, but for some reason you have never been able to win over Thorin himself.

That is not for lack of trying, not in the slightest. Gandalf was the one who requested that you join the company, certain that having another magic user on their side would not be the worst thing in the world as you passed through dangerous territory and had to take on a dragon later on. You showed up to meet the company with the best and purest of intentions, but Thorin seemed unable to accept the fact that you really wanted to help.

In truth, you don’t think he wanted to accept it. Thorin is displeased with the faeries the same way he’ll never forgive the elves, for the same reasons he’ll glare icily at humans. When Thorin’s kin fell along with Erebor, the faeries didn’t help. Thorin begged for aid, but the faeries did not respond. You’ll never fully know why, nor were you personally responsible for the betrayal, but that does not stop Thorin from treating as if you were the linchpin keeping support from his people.

It doesn’t matter, though. It doesn’t have to matter. Thorin’s personal feelings are not why you signed onto this quest. You joined because an old friend asked, and because the idea of helping to liberate the dwarves’ homeland from a dragon seemed like a good thing to do and a fascinating way to pass the time. Faeries don’t take things seriously. They never have.

So, you let your caution with Thorin fly away from you on an eagle’s strong wings, and you throw yourself into helping whenever you can. Gandalf is pulled away from the company soon enough for a myriad of causes, and even Thorin can admit that your magical skills come in handy soon enough. You save all of their lives dozens of times over, and you find real friendship in the company while you’re at it. Nothing a little optimism can’t handle.

Some of the nights get long, though, and the warmth of a covert campfire can only keep your tired frame from shivering for so many hours. They say the bones of the Fae are hewn from diamonds, your blood, the eternal nectar of the gods, but at this moment, you want only the mysticism and riches of a good meal and clothes that actually protect you against the chill. The mountains only get colder as you travel through them, and you don’t think you’ll be able to shake the prick of gooseflesh for decades if not centuries.

You’re on watch at the moment, scanning the dark horizon around you for monsters or orcs while the rest of the company rests. You’ll have another hour or two before you have to wake the next guardian– Bilbo, actually, who’s still snoring with the rest– so you should have plenty of time to yourself until then.

You should, at least. You don’t, because someone here is still awake. You had cast a spell on yourself to amplify sound and sight at the start of your watch so you could spot intruders that much more quickly, which is why you’re aware of one heartbeat other than your own that isn’t in the lull of sleep. When you tilt your head to the side just enough, you can make out someone staring in your peripheral vision.

Thorin. Who else? At first, you feel a rush of indignation bubble through your veins. There’s no reason for him to be awake on a night like this. Everyone is exhausted from weeks of hard travel, but he’s forced himself to forgo rest so he can make sure you are actually doing your job. After all this time, he still doesn’t trust you to do watch properly. It’s infuriating.

Sick of pretending like you don’t notice, you turn abruptly to stare him dead in the eyes. You expect Thorin to do something:  address you, maybe, or do something to acknowledge that he’s been caught, but instead he just holds your gaze coolly for a moment longer before turning on his other side. Half an hour later, he’s asleep.

Heroes. You’ll never understand them. The Fae are not the stuff of legends; your people prefer to linger in shadows and sunlight both, existing for themselves and for the glory of magic. Heroes, quest-leaders, warriors, they were never someone you grew up with. They have different motives, ones you don’t understand. They think they need to watch your back just because it’s the right thing to do. It confuses you, makes you believe things that might not be true. You don’t need someone like Thorin messing with your head right now, but he seems perfectly content to do it anyway.

The rest of the night passes without issue. You finish your watch shift without anything impactful, and rouse a deeply annoyed Bilbo to take over after you. Thorin doesn’t trouble you again, and indeed, the next day he seems perfectly content to act as if nothing had ever happened.

No self-respecting faerie would ever let themselves drop a grudge, though, so you manufacture a way of bringing it up before long. The company disperses in a long line, the slower ones trailing behind while Thorin keeps up the charge at the front. You make your way up to him, waiting until everyone else behind you is sufficiently far away so as to not hear a word of the inevitable quarrel, then cast Thorin one sidelong glance.

“Would you like to tell me why you’ve been watching me?”

Thorin actually stumbles while he’s walking, but manages to right himself just in time. “I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about.”

You weren’t expecting him to outright deny it. This past night hasn’t been the only time you’ve caught his eyes on you. It has happened from the very start of the quest, actually. At first, his gaze was pinned to you like a wanted poster, full of judgment and suspicion. Recently, the hostility has gone down, but that doesn’t make him any less willing to look away. His gaze chases your heels as you clamber over rocks, lingers on your fingers as you fight. All this, and he still wants to act as if nothing has happened.

You scoff. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. Let’s discuss last night, then. You keep staying awake during my watch. Why? Do you really trust me that little?”

Thorin shakes his head, keeping his gaze firmly trained on the horizon. “I do trust you.”

This does actually come as a surprise. He hasn’t been able to admit it aloud, likely because that would contradict his whole idea that faeries are selfish creatures who left his people to die in the fall of Erebor, but apparently he’s made an exception for you.

“Then why not let me conduct my watch in peace?” You pry.

Thorin jerks a shoulder up and down once, a taut and tense version of a shrug. “I don’t want any lapse in judgment to injure the people I care about.”

You feel your relatively good mood drop. Thorin lashes out often, most frequently when he’s sure he’s only leading his company towards their imminent destruction, so you shouldn’t take it personally. Kind of hard not to, though.

“So you think I’m blind to attackers and I’ll get everyone killed, is that what you’re saying?”

“No, I’m just worried that there are things out there worse than one of your spells,” Thorin argues, but he doesn’t sound too convincing anymore.

You shove your hands into the pockets on your coat. “You know, I just don’t get it. If you’re this opposed to faeries, why did you ever let Gandalf convince you to let me join your company?”

“I didn’t want to at the start,” Thorin begrudgingly admits, “but that was at the start, like I said. Things are different now.” He pauses, voice heavy with secrets as of yet left unsaid, then adds, “We’re different.”

You think this might be the most honest thing he’s ever shared with you. It makes you feel– a lot, actually. It makes you feel things you have not considered until now. Thorin does trust you and he does have reasons he wants to keep you around. In fact, he might even be counting you among the people he cares about and wants to protect.

You don’t have much time to think about it, not on the road and not even after you reach Erebor and immediately have to contend with an infuriated dragon. Thorin shows you the place after you have a moment of relative peace, pointing out the details his ancestors built into a home that has not been his in quite some time. It is as if he wants you to remember all of it. It is as if he wants it to be yours as well.

Peace does not last forever, it never does. One day, you’re exploring every room and corridor of Thorin’s home beneath the Lonely Mountain, the next, you’re watching army after army pour over the surrounding hills. No one likes power when it isn’t theirs. The thought that Thorin might finally have claim to his ancestral land wasn’t well favored by anyone in the vicinity, apparently.

That only means that you’ll have to fight twice as hard to keep Erebor in the hands of your friends. Even when the elves ride up to your doorstep with the humans, even when the orcs arrive out of nowhere, you stay and fight. Always. That’s what you do for the people you care about.

Thorin had asked once if you were going to leave. He’d posed the question slowly, hesitantly, eyes on any other object in the room except you, but you’d still had the perfect view of the relief on his face when you told him you would stay until it was done. There was still an open question of what you would do when it was over, but surviving a battle of this magnitude was the first crisis to deal with. Anything else could happen later, once everyone made it through alive.

That alone seemed like an impossible task, and by all accounts, it should have been. Never before in your life have you cast so many spells of such strength, saving the lives of your friends and ending those of your enemies all in turn. When it is over, you are covered in blood and ash, utterly exhausted, and injured, but your heart beats, at least, and that is enough.

You were separated from the rest of Thorin’s company during the progress of the battle, drawn out to find the best vantage point from which you could cast your spells. At first, you were going for long distance attacks, lobbing fireballs and extensive charges from a crumbling rooftop, but orcs quickly descended upon you and you were forced to resort to closer quarter magic instead.

Perhaps that is why they thought you were dead. When they could no longer see your spells from across the battlefield, there was no way to tell for sure if you were still alive. You were far away from them, fighting off the last of the enemy, and you didn’t find them for a while.

More specifically, they didn’t find you for a while. Later, you hear that Thorin had been in a sort of frantic haze, going over every rock and stone in his path in an all consuming quest to find you. You weren’t with Fili and Kili, who were immediately folded into the search party, nor were you alongside the other dwarfs. Bard had not seen you. Neither had some of the elves. By all accounts, you were gone. Vanished from sight.

That was the one thing Thorin wanted to hear the least. A body is something you can handle, a final decision. If he could not see you, he assumed you were either dead or about to be, and only his actions could save you. He would run himself ragged trying to find you and stop your death before it happened. He would have forced all the orcs in the land back to the fiery hellhole they came from, fought every monster and defeated every enemy, if it would have stopped a sword from piercing your heart.

And so, when he finally stumbled over a rocky outcropping and saw you calmly casting a spell of healing on one of his cousin’s soldiers. You had turned upon hearing him approach, and the last of Thorin’s terrors left him in one fell swoop. You were alright. He was alright. Everything, although damaged and broken and wholly consumed with ash and blood, would somehow end up okay.

Not much was said. Both of you lacked the words. Too many friends had been lost, not enough saved. Erebor would be protected, though. You swore that oath at the start, back when you joined the company for the first time, and you promise it again now. The Fae will have to wait a little longer to welcome you back. You would like to stick around a for a while.

requested by @starlit-epiphany, i hope you enjoy!

tolkien taglist: @rogueanschel, @retvenkos, @gods-fools-heroes, @crazyhearttragedy

[tickles-tea]

Testing Virtues

I know I’m cutting it extremely close but the day isn’t over yet! Anyway, without further ado, merry belated Christmas to @happyandticklish !! In a very funny turn of events, I ended up being your secret Santa for Squealing Santa 2023 ^^ I hope you enjoy this fic of Izaya fucking around and finding out ~ Also, a big thank you to @hypahticklish / @squealing-santa for hosting the event!!

Summary: After realizing that Shizuo is in a rather affectionate mood, Izaya decides to put his patience to the test. Word count: 2.8k

Shizuo Heiwajima could be a difficult man to read.

Despite how clearly he expressed his rage, it could be tricky to read between the lines of his surprisingly aloof resting face. Whether he was perfectly content or one second away from snapping, one could never guess.

At least, that’s what Izaya used to think.

After what he would reluctantly call ‘dating’ the man for several years now, Izaya could decipher his expressions with the ease of someone who had dedicated their life to the art. These little tells were so clear to him now, he couldn’t believe that he’d been completely oblivious to them in the past.

Like how Shizuo’s honey-gold eyes would light up with a childlike spark whenever they’d pass by a pastry shop. His lips were unmoving but his desires were spoken loud and clear. It was without a word from Shizuo that Izaya would lead them into the shop with teases already loaded on his tongue.

And when Shizuo’s shoulders hunched tight with tension-the line of them more solid than the stop signs he crushed beneath his fists- Izaya knew to keep his jabs light but deliberate. It was a bit of a balancing act, teetering between slightly bothersome and truly irritating. However, it was worth watching that harsh line ease whenever a particularly crude quip caught Shizuo off guard enough to make him laugh.

Izaya could always tell what Shizuo was feeling or wanting or needing.

But he wasn’t always generous enough to give it to him. Not without making him put in the work first.

When Izaya awoke to warm kisses being pressed to his neck and fingers creeping up his shirt with fluttery touches, he knew what kind of day it would be. 

It was the hesitation that gave it away, really; the slow progression, as if waiting for permission when they were both far past the point of being shy.

This particular mood didn’t strike Shizuo often, but it was always fun when it did. 

Izaya did nothing to dissuade him, and Shizuo’s touches grew more deliberate with increasing confidence the longer Izaya didn’t protest. A grin pulled at Izaya’s lips, but it had little to do with the hands that lightly tickled at his waist. Because as soon as it started, Izaya was sitting up and away, stretching his arms above his head with a groan. He turned to look down at his bed partner with a sleep-heavy smirk. “It’s not like Shizu-chan to be up so early. I don’t suppose you wanted to join in on my meeting this morning?”

Shizuo blinked away the drowsy confusion at the abrupt shift, now scrunching his nose with distaste as he registered Izaya’s words. “Don’t say stupid things…” He grumbled, a frustrated crease in his brow. He waited for a beat, and when Izaya only stared back at him with a knowing smile, he clicked his tongue in annoyance. “Can’t you stay in bed a little longer? I thought you said that wasn’t until ten.”

Even though Izaya was sure it was meant to be a frown, the unhappy twist of Shizuo’s lips could only be described as a pout.

“The early bird gets the worm and all that. We can't all afford to sleep in, you know?” Izaya chirped back, keeping the banter light despite the intentions already solidifying in his mind. “If you want to stay in bed though, be my guest. I can wake you up once my client’s gone.”

It was a simple offer but Shizuo still took his time answering. He looked at Izaya for a long few moments, lips pursed on indecision and his hands still resting idle on Izaya’s waist, before he let out a resigned breath through his nose and pulled his hands away. “Mm, yeah, that’s fine.”

And though he nuzzled back into the pillow and closed his eyes without any more complaints, Izaya didn’t miss the way his restless hands twitched with restraint.

-

True to his word, Izaya woke Shizuo up a few hours later once his client had left with a heavier heart and lighter pockets. He hadn’t spared too much time on the task of waking him; only ducking into the bedroom with a drawled out “Shizuuuu-chaaan~” and tossing an apple at his head when he didn’t stir. It wasn’t the first time he’d done it and it wouldn’t be the last, but Izaya still couldn’t help but snicker when Shizuo exited the room a few minutes later with the half eaten apple in hand.

Izaya watched as Shizuo finished it off in a few bites and threw away the core before immediately making his way over to Izaya’s desk. Strong arms wrapped around his waist from behind as Shizuo leaned in to kiss the crook of his neck. “Good mornin’,” he rumbled, breath hot against Izaya’s skin.

“It’s noon, Shizu-chan.”

Shizuo grumbled in mild annoyance. “Then good afternoon, you pest.”

He squeezed Izaya slightly to punctuate his words. However, his groused frustration was countered by those gentle fingers tapping at Izaya’s sides again. And just as before, they were light, questioning. “You busy?”

Not even the rough edge of sleep still clinging to his voice could conceal the quiet hopefulness behind his words. 

He ghosted fluttery kisses along the line of Izaya’s throat to spread goosebumps across his skin- once again testing the waters. 

And once again Izaya grinned.

“Oh~ What’s this? Did Shizu-chan need me for something?” Izaya questioned in a playful drawl, tensing beneath Shizuo’s touch. He traced mindless shapes on Izaya’s sides, veering closer to his belly to scrape the ghost of his fingernails over the sensitive skin. It took an impressive amount of restraint for Izaya to not react to the ticklish shivers that ran through his nerves.

“Izaya…” he started, shifting to murmur into Izaya’s ear to make him twitch. “C-“

He barely had a second to begin before Izaya was interrupting to answer his own question.

“-because I’m afraid I don’t have time to spare right now,” he clarified, spinning in his chair to face him and knocking his hands away in the process. The sigh in his voice was just subtle enough to pass as truly apologetic. At least somewhat. “Can it wait?”

Tipping his head up to meet Shizuo’s eyes, Izaya was met with an expression he knew well. Thick brows furrowed on growing frustration and a troubled twist to his lips because he couldn’t find a reason to be truly upset. A rarity for Shizuo, but even he could respect when someone was busy. 

He didn’t need to know that Izaya had just been playing sudoku before he walked in. It was his fault, really, for being fooled by the random document Izaya had pulled up at the last second. 

With another one of those pouty scowls, Shizuo gently knocked his forehead against Izaya’s.

“Later.”

It was a question despite bearing the bluntness of a statement.

“Later~”

-

Judging by the restless padding of feet across the hardwood floor and the too long-stares sent his way, Izaya knew that ‘later’ couldn’t come soon enough for Shizuo. 

He wasn’t exactly known for his patience and Izaya hadn’t exactly been making it easier on him. But that’s what was fun about these kinds of days, and who could blame him when Shizuo had such entertaining reactions? 

It was amusing to watch Shizuo clench his fists at his sides when Izaya stretched, raising his arms high above his head with a pleased groan as if he was oblivious to Shizuo’s plight. 

He’d nearly choked on his glass of milk when Izaya reached for a book on a high shelf, which caused his shirt -untucked for once- to raise and reveal a sliver of his belly. When Izaya had turned to look at him, Shizuo was staring resolutely at the ceiling as he chugged the rest of the glass.

It was terribly endearing when Shizuo thought he was being discreet. However, there was nothing subtle about how tightly his jaw was clenched when Izaya had him fetch a glass of water for the ‘tickle in his throat’.

Perhaps Izaya would feel more guilty about riling Shizuo up when he was asking for what he wanted so sweetly, but it was just too easy.

Izaya was an opportunist at heart, after all.

-

This secret game of his continued for another two hours, with Izaya coming up with new and subtle ways to drive Shizuo mad. Izaya was honestly impressed with how well Shizuo was holding up, but all things must come to an end, and Shizuo’s streak of patience was no exception. 

His breaking point came when Izaya settled into his chair, picked up a stack of documents, and kicked his feet up onto the desk. It must have been that it was so uncharacteristic of Izaya to ‘rest’ in such a vulnerable position that Shizuo was tipped off to Izaya’s scheming. Or perhaps it was pure coincidence that his fuse happened to burn out at that moment. Either way, Izaya wasn’t too upset when Shizuo shot up from the couch and stomped over to his desk with red-tipped ears and a snarl.

“Oi, what’s up with that pose, huh?” Shizuo growled, leaning far over the desk to meet Izaya face to face. His arms were tense with restless energy where they held his weight against the desk, bracing on either side of Izaya’s legs. 

Izaya smiled pleasantly at him. “Hm? Aren’t I allowed to be comfortable while I work?”

Shizuo glared down at him- and if looks could kill, Izaya would be six feet under. 

“You look a little too comfortable, if you ask me. Just how busy have you been, really?”

A strong hand wrapped around one of his ankles, and Izaya had to resist the urge to jerk his foot back on instinct. “Quite busy. You see, today I’m conducting an observational experiment of sorts. I suppose you could call it testing a beast’s ability to restrain itself and its needs in the face of temptation. Riveting stuff~”

Shizuo bared his teeth in an animalistic grin that sent a shiver of premonition down Izaya’s spine. “Oh yeah? What conclusion have you come to?” The grip tightening  around Izaya’s ankle might as well have been squeezing his lungs for how it caused his breath to falter in his chest. 

“That even beasts can possess an impressive level of patience and willpower, but even so, that control is temporary, and eventually they succumb to their urges. It’s in their nature, after all,” Izaya challenged with a smirk. However, his confidence couldn’t hide the way his hands clutched the arms of his chair in anticipation.

His heart was starting to thrum in his chest; because behind the irritation in Shizuo’s gaze, there was a certain glint in his eyes. Now that Shizuo knew of Izaya’s game, he was ready to play. 

Just the thought was enough to set off the butterflies in Izaya’s stomach.

“I see. If giving in is inevitable, why hold back at all then, right?” Shizuo gave him little warning before he was tugging at Izaya’s ankle to pull him closer and yanking him up by his shirt. Izaya yelped, trying not to knock over his monitors in his scramble for balance as he was pulled over and across the desk. He only had a second to be relieved that everything was intact before he was tossed over Shizuo’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

Despite knowing that struggling was futile, Izaya fisted his hands in Shizuo’s shirt for stability and tried his best to kick at Shizuo’s thighs. If he felt the hits, he certainly didn’t show it. “Wait a second! What kind of brainless logic is that?!” He shouted, trying to twist his head around to see where he was being taken. He had an idea, and a turn towards the staircase confirmed it.

“Are you sure you should be mouthing off like that? Ah, but maybe you don't care since you’ve been asking for it all day,” Shizuo almost murmured to himself, his anger having faded to an infuriating breeziness.

Izaya’s cheeks flushed despite the absolute ridiculousness of that statement. “Me? Have you forgotten how many times you-!” His words were interrupted by a yelp when Shizuo gave a warning squeeze to his thigh. 

“Shut up.”

Any further protests from Izaya were met with more squeezes to his thighs, each one making him jump more than the last. Shizuo knew very well how sensitive his thighs were, and he was giving Izaya this chance to back down before he used that information against him. And while Izaya was not the kind of man to give up, every once in a while he could accept when he needed to concede. 

He had been orchestrating the setlist all day after all, and now it was time to face the choir. 

He wasn’t, however, expecting to be part of it, and the pitch his voice reached could put the star sopranos to shame. 

“Nahahaha! Shizu-chahahaha-!” His voice cracked on a cackle as Shizuo drilled his thumbs mercilessly into his hips. Upon entering their bedroom, Shizuo had wasted no time in tossing Izaya on the bed and relinquishing the control he’d been holding onto for the past few hours. And he seemed to be making up for the lost time if his zealous start was anything to go by. 

Izaya shook his head back and forth, frantically trying to pry Shizuo’s hands off of his waist, but there was no give to his iron grip. Izaya couldn’t help but wonder which would be easier to free yourself from: a bear trap or Shizuo’s merciless hold.

He quickly settled on the bear trap when Shizuo began kneading at his lower belly, sending sparks of sensitivity crackling across his nerves. “AH! Shit! Stahahahap, you beheheheast!” Izaya threw his head back on shrill laughter, his legs kicking wildly behind him in a stark contrast to Shizuo’s smug composure.

“What do you mean ‘stop’? You were showing off this spot earlier, weren’t you? You think I’m too stupid to notice you untucked your shirt before you stood up?” Shizuo drawled with a satisfied smirk. He suddenly switched from kneading to scratching lightly at Izaya’s belly to pull frenzied giggles from his lips. “It was like you were saying ‘please, please, please, tickle me here’.”

Izaya’s face lit up with a brilliant red flush at the realization. In teasing Shizuo over how much he wanted to get his hands on Izaya and tickle him to tears, Izaya had practically been asking for it the entire time without shame. What was even more mortifying was how-underneath the amusement at Shizuo’s struggle-he’d been just as eager for Shizuo to break. 

He’d choke to death on his own laughter before he ever admitted that though. 

“D-don’t blame me for your lack of self-control!” He scolded before falling into a fit of giggles when fingers skittered along his waistline. “Ehehehe! Wait, wait, wait!” 

His eyes widened into saucers when Shizuo suddenly caught his hands and pinned them above his head, learned anticipation thudding his heart against his chest.

“You were showing off this spot too, weren’t you?” Shizuo asked casually, impervious to the way Izaya tugged at his wrists like his life depended on it. “Can’t be helped then.” He followed his words with a shrug before spidering his fingers under Izaya’s arm with a practiced skill. 

The response was instantaneous; Izaya shrieked, arching his back in a desperate attempt to protect himself and failing to gain any reprieve. Shizuo knew all of the ways to drive Izaya up the wall and he wasn’t afraid to utilize them now. He was surprisingly thorough in moments like these- taking the time to try everything from rubbing his thumbs into the dip of Izaya’s underarms to lightly scritching at his biceps.

The latter had seemed merciful at first, as Izaya’s biceps weren’t normally that ticklish. He quickly learned that wasn’t the case, though, when Shizuo lingered there long enough for the sensation to become absolutely maddening. 

It took an embarrassingly long time for Izaya to find his words again, but of course he found a way to talk through the flood of mirth.

“Ahahaha! D-don’t try to act like this isn’t-“ his words were interrupted by a loud bark of laughter when suddenly Shizuo pinched at his upper ribs. “Like this isn’t whahahat you’ve been begging for all day!”

That seemed to finally get under Shizuo’s skin enough for him to scowl and lean in close. If Shizuo had to fight to keep that scowl from twitching up at the corners, neither of them mentioned it.

“Well, if this is what we both wanted, I guess I should go all out right?”

A shiver ran down Izaya’s back, and despite the squeals and protests that soon echoed through the apartment, Izaya couldn’t say that he minded it all that much. He could handle the fingers dancing along his skin, no longer restless now that they were focused on the goal of making him wheeze out desperate laughter. He could handle the lips pressing sweetly against his own, turning that same laughter muffled and breathless.

Shizuo had earned this fair and square, and in a way, so had Izaya.

Now all that was left was to enjoy the fruits of their labor. 

[jmdbjk]

Episode 3: Pursuit of Happiness 

Beyond the Star, produced by HYBE Media Studio

Yoongi says people who knew him told him he'd changed a lot since they debuted. Between 2018-2019, he said he finally came to understand what position they were in (status of stardom) . He had a chance to look back and see where he could enjoy the process more and then he started making music again.

They were on somewhat of a break at the beginning of 2018 as Bang PD had suggested they take.

They had a chance to pause long enough and spend time with each other as friends and laugh a lot. Though they’d worked themselves to the brink, they were still committed to their bond with each other.

Hobi says it allowed their bond to become stronger, their mental capacity to increase, it was one of the most important moments that allowed the team to grow.

Here is where Tae says “regardless of the relationship with the agency, I signed my contract to see them smile.”

Personally, from what I’ve read him say in the book and what I hear from the members, he meant, tantamount to the success he was experiencing with his agency he also wanted to see the happiness of the other members because they had become his brothers, his family. The last thing he wanted was for any of it to end and for anyone to be unhappy.

We see scenes of them on trips.

Jimin says they had a chance to say to each other their thoughts on why they do what they do. Their conclusion was it was because of us. They never had time before to contemplate how far they’ve come or what they’ve achieved and whether any of that success was worth something to them. What WAS valuable to them was us, the fans who stood up for them in ways they never imagined a fandom would step up and do.

We see scenes of them interacting with Army at concerts.

They finally had a tangible reason they could see and feel when they began to question why they were doing what they were doing and why they were putting themselves through challenges when they didn’t have to. The faces of Army in front of them during concerts was their reason for existing.

They were all on the same page in that respect.

Again, the footage from different points in time illustrate what the members speak about. Different shots of BBMAs underscore Jimin’s thoughts about the response they get from overseas. He thinks it is fascinating, and even recently during this interview for this documentary from early 2022, he’s contemplating about why overseas fans like them so much. They were in awe, they were trying to figure it all out. He said he thought just being at the BBMAs, just being able to perform in front of all these other famous artists, would make Army proud of them. Jimin wants to be the artist that the fans are proud of.

Jimin says things changed so much (from the Wings Tour to the Love Yourself/Speak Yourself Tour), they were flying private jets, they had more security guards, the size of the venues was huge and they were treated differently.

The Love Yourself/Speak Yourself tour took them to sold out stadiums all over the world. This was their biggest tour. Hindsight now, it was their last true world tour.

Namjoon nailed it when he said it’s their sincerity that nationality, race, age, gender should not hinder anything, should not be a roadblock to happiness, success, love. Just speak yourself. They are the perfect example of all of that.

Their positive message is what resonates with fans, some who have admitted its changed their lives. It is a unifying message when there is so much divisiveness in the world.

At the end of 2018 they were spreading this message everywhere.

On Sept. 25 they addressed the UN in New York. The next day they are at a photoshoot for their first cover of TIME magazine.

At the end of October they received the Korean Popular Culture award: The Fifth Order of Cultural Merit.

They attended the AMAs and the Grammys for the first time.

Tae said though they learned how to face difficult situations, they were missing something. They had no personal lives. Touring was hard. Concerts, performing, being recognized and awarded were all thrilling and exciting. But traveling, the grueling schedules, living in hotels with nothing to do was grinding on their mental state.

And they were all feeling different ways about it. Namjoon felt like work was the only thing satisfying at that time. Yoongi says it felt like all he did was work.

Bang PD says the bigger you are the more risks you have and the more you have to lose, the more success you have, the more worries you have. The team was experiencing growing pains. It was a natural process.

The second half of the tour, the Speak Yourself half, is when they began hitting stadium after stadium. Previous venues so far on the tour were mostly arena-sized. It was in May 2019 when they performed for the first time in the Rose Bowl stadium.

This is when Namjoon says it won't be easy for another Korean artist to sell out stadiums of those sizes all over the world again.

They knew they were making history as Koreans, as Asian artists.

The aerial shots of the stadiums is amazing.

At the end of the LY/SY World Tour, October 2019, they have overcome their reticence to continue. They've renegotiated their contract. They had to have an idea of what they were going to do next. They know why they do what they do and they are grateful to be able to do it for Army.

[nrilliree]

https://www.tumblr.com/lilyofthevalley-11/752593702109724672/the-fact-that-aegon-didnt-want-to-get-married-to?source=share

WTF ?! But do you people realize that this has no support ?!

This so-called “good father” was ready to abandon his children in episode 9 of season 1! He raped the servant who was supposed to dress them in episode 8, I remind you ! He doesn't even have any fucking scenes with them ! Nor any dialogue related to them !

Daemon, the so-called bad father, only remembers the testimony of one of his daughters (Rhaena) feeling bad about herself and unsure of herself. Aside from that, Laena says that Daemon is doing his best in the same episode where Rhaena is upset that Daemon is ignoring her. In episode 7 Daemon says that Pentos is his and his children's home, so Rhaena includes. She was also briefly seen glancing towards where her daughters were in episode 7 when everyone was gathered for Aemond's lost eye. She was seen making Baela study the Valyrian top with the latter kissing her on the cheek. It is known that Daemon maintained a correspondence with her when she was there ward of Rhaenys. Rhaena doesn't seem at all unhappy with Daemyra and her half-brothers. Daemon also defends alongside Rhaenyra the legacy of Jace and Luke, without forgetting the fact that he seems proud to present Aegon III and Viserys II. Viserys II whose hair Daemon stroked and tried to console when he cried. He also seemed to love his unborn baby with Laena and just as much the one with Rhaenyra AKA our little Visenya. So sorry, there's way more canon proof that Daemon is a good father than Aegon II in HOTD in season 1. Not to mention the cut scenes and the original script at this point too.

Nothing in Season 1 of HOTD suggested that Aegon II was a good father in any way. And this even with potential cut scenes or the original script.

Good god, we're talking about a guy who likes to watch his illegitimate children fight in an arena (book and show) and who was ready to flee far from Westeros leaving his legitimate children behind without any qualms ! How the hell could he be a better father than Daemon ?!

Daemon who in addition in the book is listed as a good father without any problem with his children, unlike the inventions of HOTD which unnecessarily complicated his relationships with his children, more particularly Rhaena (and this for an additional reason inconsistent with the character of Daemon and the rules of the GRRM universe in relation to dragons) ! But even though in HOTD Daemon's relationship with his children is portrayed as having problems, it is not horrible at all, contrary to what the antis like to say.

Aegon II once again on the other hand has nothing on his side in positive terms in relation to his children. Whether in the HOTD canon, the cut scenes or the original script. And this is even less the case in the original text without which HOTD would not even exist, namely the book Fire and Blood.

Essentially, if Aegon II turns out to be a good father in HOTD Season 2, or at least the writers attempted to portray him as such... well it's still a crappy adaptation compared to Fire and Blood. In fact it's downright fanfiction at this point. But on top of that it's a retcoon of season 1.

Not to mention yet another proof of the pro-greens bias of the writers. No because you have to explain to me how it is not pro greens favoritism to make AEGON II - Mr. Rapist, pedophile, alcoholic, who likes to watch children, including his own being illegitimate, fight in an arena for survive - a so-called good father in their adaptation. And alongside, making their HOTD adaptation stormy, parent / child relationships which had nothing of the sort for Daemon Targaryen, the gray character of the story in the original story that is Fire and Blood.

What do you call that if not a huge proof of pro greens favoritism ? It's barely a sign at this point !

Now Aegon's fans claim that Aegon knows nothing about his bastards, and that they are definitely not his. It was definitely Daemon (even though he hadn't been in KL for 16 years) who was secretly returning there to breed bastards and thus damage Aegon's opinion ;P

We just have to admit that now it's official that the series is a fan fiction written for TG. I know that it will still be too little for TG and they will still shout that the series favors TB, but this will probably be the fact. I'll just have to watch scenes with dragons that someone will post on YT :P

[casino-lights]

I am not sure if I already sent an ask for the Rook Tarot game but just in case, for Lidia: The Magician, The Hierophant, Justice, and The Moon?

even if you did I'd still answer it!! thank you for the interest!!!

The Magician: What are Rook's thoughts on Solas? Do they change as the story progresses?

Lidia isn't technically Rook, so she has no direct contact with Solas, but from everything she hears, she wouldn't trust him as far as she could throw him. Her main source is Lucanis, whose main source is Rook, so all she hears are thirdhand accounts of his behavior. Still, she knows enough about elven history to know Fen'harel as the god of lies and deceit, so she strongly suggests that Rook not put stock in Solas' words and instead focus on his past and present actions. When she gets a glimpse of him in Minrathous, she finds herself thinking she expected him to look different. More... godly. Still, she does get to see the Dread Wolf form for a moment as he battles overhead, though she isn't ultimately close enough to the final confrontation to learn what became of him.

The Hierophant: Is Rook religious? How do they feel about the religious organizations that impact their life the most? 

Lidia was raised in a chantry for the first few years of her life, and Antiva is a moderately Andrastian nation, so she does find herself believing somewhat in the Maker. She feels odd in chantries, like she isn't worthy of lingering, and occasionally she still prays when she feels like she needs answers and has no one else to ask for them. She doesn't exactly follow the Chant, and she dislikes the institution itself due to the corruption and abuse of power that runs rampant among the higher-ups. She still has some of that Chantry guilt in her, though, and the grand, open buildings filled with silence never fail to make her feel small the way they used to when she was a child. Additionally, as an elf, some of the people she comes across during the conflict with the evanuris expect her to offer some sort of insight on them. At this point, she's just irritated by questions about the gods, and though she has a deep respect for the Dalish culture and beliefs, she feels no personal connection to them and wishes people would take her lack of vallaslin as a clear sign that she has nothing of note to add to the conversation about them.

Justice: How does Rook feel about the circumstances that led to them leaving their faction? What does returning feel like?

While Lidia didn't have to leave the Crows like the canon de Riva backstory, she was gently encouraged by Lucanis and Teia to take some time away after Illario's attempted takeover. Lucanis was concerned that the other Crows might think Lidia had something to do with it, and though he knows she didn't, he wanted her to keep a low profile while everything calmed down. She was incredibly unhappy about this, and it made her even angrier at Illario than she already was because she felt like it was unfair for her to be punished for his actions. However, she is quickly called back into action to help with removing the Butcher, Ivenci, and the remaining Antaam from Treviso, and she then also fights in the battle for Minrathous. She's relieved when Lucanis says the Crows will need her in their recovery and welcomes her back into active duty, so to speak, and she knows it wasn't anything personal on his behalf, but she still pushes herself even harder to be seen as her own Crow, not connected to Illario or his mistakes.

The Moon: How does Rook's past impact their values? Does their past come with any biases or blind spots they have to account for?

Lidia's past comes up the most in her life when she interacts with children in the Crows. As someone who was brought into the Crows as a child herself, and then "trained" (or more accurately, abused) for years, she has a strong reaction to seeing other children learning and training. Even in Houses Cantori and de Riva, where children are treated slightly kinder than they were twenty years ago in House Valisti, she consistently has to fight the urge to step in or confront the Talons about this. She knows there's nothing she can do to stop the acquisition and training of children, but she hopes she can at least make it gentler. She especially latches onto Jacobus, and she actually disapproves greatly when Teia and Viago agree to let him run his own House. She feels that making him a full Crow at his age is foolish and harmful, despite being only a few years older than him when she was initiated. She also thinks a leadership position in such a cutthroat organization is no place for a child, and that although his dream of having a sanctuary for other orphans like himself is admirable, it would ultimately do more harm than good to allow a group of children to raise and train themselves with little oversight from adult Crows.

[bluegekk0]

Funny little concept I just thought about is a full on grimmkin rebellion. Unlike the first grimmkin incident, this time it’s like a whole group of them who are sick of the current sedentary status of the troupe and decide to make like a power play against grimm and the nightmare heart or something. Most likely failing miserably in their attempt.

Obviously prob will never happen in the AU but nevertheless it’s still a fun “what if” scenario but how do you think something like this could go down?

Yeah a full on rebellion definitely wouldn't happen but this is still a fun concept.

As for how it would go down, I don't think they would go very far. The reason why the Grimmkin incident even happened is because of how lowkey it was. It was just one very unhappy Grimmkin, and perhaps a few who knew about it but didn't expect them to actually go with it. So they went under the radar very easily, which allowed them to actually sneak past everyone and attempt to kill Vyrm.

If it was a larger group, I think sooner or later there would be signs of something big going on. I definitely don't think all Grimmkin would be on board with a rebellion - many of them were saved by Grimm from terrible situations and offered a new chance; turning against him would, to those Grimmkin, be like spitting in his face. So for that reason I think a rebellion wouldn't go very far.

But if by any chance it did, and say, they also attempted to harm Grimm's family (and worse, actually succeeded), then things wouldn't be pretty. Just look at what happened to the one Grimmkin who actually tried to kill Vyrm - ripped apart by furious Grimm in front of his peers. He does not tolerate betrayal in any way, and so I certainly see him culling the Grimmkin population from those who turned against him, be it through killing them or exile.

Of course, I really don't think Brumm or Divine would turn against him (like I said, the banishment ending is not a thing in the AU, so Brumm is loyal), and as said previously, a lot of Grimmkin would remain loyal, so the ones rebelling would already be fighting a losing battle. And because I don't think their plans would remain secret for a long time, they would most likely accomplish less than the one Grimmkin in the actual timeline, ironically.

Actually, I have thought in the past about the incident from the perspective of it being caused by a small group of Grimmkin. Well, caused is a strong word. It would essentially just be the Grimmkin who tried to kill Vyrm, and a few others, likely their friends, who heard about their plans but never expected them to actually do it. So for that reason, I do think Grimm would be more merciful towards them. The way I imagine the situation is him killing the assassin, and then speaking to the rest of the Grimmkin and demanding anyone who was aware of their plans to confess. I think at that point they'd know that no matter what, he would find out, and lying would only make things worse for them, so they would just admit to it, as terrifying as it was. And in response to the honesty, their punishment would be significantly less severe. Grimm would simply banish them from the Troupe, and make no attempt at preserving their memory like he usually tries to do when Grimmkin wish to leave the Troupe. So compared to the fate of their buddy, they would still lose their current life, but at least have the opportunity to start over. I think even they would agree that it's a fair punishment, so things would go somewhat smoothly. I'm leaning towards things actually playing out like this, since I think it would serve as a good display of Grimm's character, and also a valuable lesson for the other Grimmkin (as opposed to them just being scared into submission).

I suppose you could also take this idea and apply it to the rebellion concept, the punishment would depend on the severity of their actions. Grimm can be cruel if he feels betrayed, but he also tries to be fair - he has always tried to treat the Grimmkin fairly, he simply got too carried away with his new family life and that led to the dissatisfaction among the Grimmkin; in the AU, after the incident, he spent a lot of time making compromises and allowing the Grimmkin to leave without him for a certain amount of time. So he definitely cares about them and their wellbeing, which is why the betrayal made him so furious, even if to some extent he learned to understand the frustration (which is why he took action to remedy it for the others).

Though it's also possible that a full-on rebellion would make him a lot angrier, and in that case he might not be as fair in his punishments. This is a what-if scenario that I haven't really considered to such extent, so I'd have to sit down and think about it. But considering it's not at all what happens, I think spending too much time on that would be a waste.

Still, I hope the answer was still satisfying. It is a pretty interesting scenario to think about, but I definitely struggle a bit with imagining what-if situations that change events to such a drastic degree. So do forgive me if it's all just a bunch of nothing-ideas 😅

[starlightiing]

Could you put together a top 5 or even top 3 drivers and why?

I - like my opinion I guess, obviously? I'm not sure I could narrow my faves down to three or even to five but I can try. I'm going to do top 6 I think. That would fit better for me.

George Russell

Alex Albon

Pierre Gasly

Lando Norris

Oscar Piastri

Charles Leclerc

I don't really know if that's THE order because it changes around a lot. But...Those are my top six for sure. The why's are really silly and not technical and probably useless to explain but George for me is a world championship contender (not this year) but in general, in a good car. He has so much untapped potential we've not even seen yet. He's ambitious without being a cunt (some people think he's a cunt, idk, I don't see it), his heart is on his sleeve openly and proudly and I love that for him/about him. Show me more emotional men in sports pls. He has the talent, the drive, the ability - but not the car. I could see George, if put in a competitive car again, world champ in a few years really.

Alex is an AMAZING driver. Yadda yadda, he crashed 2x, yadda yadda, Williams, yadda yadda el oh el chassis, blah blah blah. I don't really want to hear all that when you look at the car he's stuck with. That kid can drive, he wasn't BAD with Red Bull he just wasn't up to their standards, but you put him back in a car like that and give him a year or two and he's there. I will never not talk about Alex's talent. He is incredible and I hate to say it but it is simply this: no one does well in that Williams car. He also needs to come out into a better team, better car, and start working his way up to where he can be comfortable driving with the big teams.

Pierre is another one with untapped potential. His story is tragic and I don't like to talk about him too long because it makes me sick. He himself I'm sure is just fine and having a great time and doesn't need/want defending, but I don't like it. I see it in him, that passion is so strong I can feel it radiating off of him. People don't like him because he's been bitchy and unhappy recently but can you blame him? Look what he's got to work with. He's a race winner and he's stuck back of the pack in a car that looked so goddamn promising when he signed his contract and ended up eating absolute dogshit. You can say Red Bull gave him a chance and they did (sort of), and maybe they were right in saying he wasn't ready for THAT just yet - but he is SO much better than where he is right now and has fought so much harder and gone through so much, and he deserves to be in a car that fights as hard as his heart does. Period. I could easily see him being in a place where Lando is right now, in a decent car.

Lando and Oscar I just think are good. Period. Lando has his moments where he chokes and I think people are really, really hard on him for it but I'd really love to see them hop in a car and do what he does :) Things happen. Literally all you have to do is accidentally turn the wheel a little more than you planned (which we've all done in our regular cars, I'm CERTAIN) but going as fast as he is, that can be a catastrophic mistake. That's the pressure they're all under, and they all make mistakes. And Lando is a nervous little bunny sometimes, so I think that doesn't help, but the point still stands: they all make mistakes. Lando gets too much shit for his, period. He's a fantastic driver. Oscar is incredibly talented - without even bringing up his age, because I feel like it's backhanded "wow he's great for his age" nah mate he's just great. He's working his way up and doing really really well and just getting better and better. He's a strong competitor, don't sleep on him.

I think we all know about Charles Leclerc's ability and potential, his heart, his passion, what fuels him and what his team does to him. I don't think I need to deep dive too far into this one. Loyal to a fault, gets his own heart broken too much by bad calls - but probably one of the most razor fast reflexes on the grid and overflowing in natural talent. And he's not a dick, which we love. Please don't confuse "sometimes being a dick" with being a dick overall as a person - they are not the same thing. I am sometimes a bitch, I am not a bitch as a whole. He can and hopefully will world champ before George.

[fanfictasia]

Thoughts on what Vader wanted with Obi-Wan in OWK

(For all Obi-Wan series haters, this isn’t for you.)

I had really high expectations for the Obi-Wan Series and they were all surpassed. It always felt to me that something was missing between Revenge of the Sith and A New Hope, because what Vader and Obi-Wan were saying to each other never really fit together, but I couldn’t figure out why. When Vader said “Obi-Wan once thought as you do” in Return of the Jedi, I could never figure out what he was talking about.

But the Obi-Wan series answered all my questions, especially on what Vader feels towards Obi-Wan.

I’ve seen a lot of people assuming Vader was trying to kill Obi-Wan, and some complaining about how Vader wasn’t being portrayed properly because he was being “stupid” sometimes when he should have realistically killed Obi-Wan. For some reason they’re automatically assuming that because Vader killed him in A New Hope, that means that’s what he always wanted to do.

The third episode showed very obviously that Vader does **not** want Obi-Wan dead. He could easily have killed him the fight if he wanted, or let him die in the fire, but he didn’t.

Vader very clearly wanted him alive. He put out that fire almost immediately and told the troopers to bring Obi-Wan to him. He told him “your pain is just beginning” so yeah, he obviously didn’t want him dead.

Repeatedly Vader talks about “destroying “ Obi-Wan and “breaking” him. That’s what Sith say when they want to make someone Fall.

Everything Vader is doing after that very much implies the same, too.

When Obi-Wan said “I will do what I must” implying that it was going to be a fight to the death, the way Vader was standing very much implied he was not happy. There were numerous points in their duel that Vader was clearly holding back, another obvious sign that he did **not** want to kill him.

He said “but you are still weak” which is how Sith always refer to the Light Side, before he threw him in that pit, and started burying him. Vader knows Obi-Wan well enough to know there’s no way he was going to die from that.

But doing that **did** work in making Obi-Wan very angry, and close to (if not actually) drawing on the Dark Side. Obi-Wan was drawing on his attachments to get out of that situation, and that is very Dark Side. Jedi are always supposed to be calm, and definitely never draw on their attachments to give them power.

Vader said that he killed Anakin, the same way he will “destroy” Obi-Wan. There’s nothing that can mean except that he wanted to turn him. That was how Vader “destroyed” Anakin, after all.

And from there, it’s pretty easy to see why Sidious was acting how he was in that final scene with Vader. He asked him if he was sure his feelings on the matter were clear, the exact same thing he asked Vader when he was obsessing over finding and turning Luke.

And he said “perhaps your feelings for your old master have left you weakened.” And that means he obviously knew that Vader still cared about Obi-Wan. Even if you could argue that he partly wanted to turn Obi-Wan out of revenge, it was also clearly for a similar reason that he did with Luke. As far as Sith are concerned, that’s kind of a Dark Side form of affection, after all. xD At least Vader’s when it comes to his family. So yeah, of course Sidious was very unhappy about that.

That much is obvious anyway from Vader calling for Obi-Wan at the end when he left him again. I’ve seen some people claim he was “screaming his name out of hatred” and by the way, that literally makes no sense. There was so absolutely no hatred in his tone. He sounded **broken**. If that were true, why didn’t he say “Kenobi?” Also WHO WASTES THEIR BREATH SCREAMING IN HATRED WHEN THEY CAN HARDLY BREATH?

And of course after Vader had to immediately tell Sidious that “Kenobi means nothing” and stop looking for him if he didn’t want to face the consequences.

That pretty much answers why Vader killed Obi-Wan in A New Hope. He knew he couldn’t turn Obi-Wan anymore and he knew when they met again, one of them was going to come out dead. From Vader’s point of view, Obi-Wan already made it abundantly clear that he didn’t consider Vader even worth his time enough to kill.

And for the record, I think it was just plain too painful for him watch Obi-Wan walk away for a third time.

The Obi-Wan Series also really explains why Vader seemed more numb and resigned when they fought each other in A New Hope, instead of angry, which just doesn’t seem very likely if this is the first time they’ve seen each other since Mustafar. That never made sense to me, even before. In the end, Vader did try to escape Sidious, so he went to the only other person he could fathom calling master, and we all know how that turned out. No wonder he seemed so robotic and just blinding following orders by ANH. He didn’t have any hopes beyond Sidious, until he heard about Luke again, and that “spark” you could say, of resistance, was back again.

[kaylor]

I was today years old when I came across a post and finally realised that the stans have convinced themselves that any mention of Taylor not wanting the whole marriage thing is a reference to Calvin cuz of course she wants to marry joe so hence obviously Taylor isn’t even talking about their obsession with her impending marriage with joe cuz they could never do something that Taylor dislikes to the point of including it in a song. Truthfully I had wondered how hardcore stans felt about those mentions cuz I haven’t been exposed to any of these opinions since the release cuz I’m not following anybody that posts stuff like that so I genuinely froze for a minute straight after reading this 😂😂😂

I hope you don’t mind this ask, I just found it funny and interesting so I thought I could share it with you

it's really funny and interesting how swifties will ascribe any recent song that doesn't match up with their idea of taylor and joe's perfect relationship to an event or relationship from the past, regardless of how far fetched. any song that seems "sad" is immediately about 2016 obviously because that's when she was sad and now she is the happiest she has ever been. any recent song about any tension in a relationship is obviously about a fight she had with joe that has since been resolved because they're sooo in love, or about a previous relationship because that guy obviously sucked and she was so unhappy with him, unlike now!! or it's just entirely fictional of course!

it's become almost farcical how no one seems to want to acknowledge the profound sadness and grief that is so apparent in every album since lover. this of course isn't to say i think she's Unhappy as a static permanent state of being, but i also find it extremely grating to see people straight up dismiss or gloss over or laugh off as quirky things that would otherwise be considered actually quite concerning. for example if my friend said they woke up at 4pm and don't get any sleep at night i would be concerned. if my friend told me they don't feel like a real person and that there is something really wrong with them, i would be concerned. and yeah how much of it is just Being Famous and how much of it is just the continuation of her broadcasting her life experiences (including her trauma) in the form of songs, performances, and interviews. like how much do you decide to read into it all, when joking about depression is very in vogue with the youths. i don't know the answer to any of this.

um anyway. more to the actual point you were making - there is absolutely a super weird feedback loop going on with swifties being loud about certain things, taylor responding to that in the only way she can, and swifties being like i wonder who that sign is for? rinse and repeat. to the point she had to explicitly tell people to stop with the scarf speculation. or, maybe, burning down that fucking house on tour every night (but that is open to interpretation). maybe more pertinent is the anti hero tour visuals where you see Normal Taylor screaming for attention while Sparkly Taylor is distracting from the version of herself who just wants to be seen, noticed, understood, and who eventually walks away defeated. every night.

[rin-and-jade]

So, uh.. what do we.. I mean I.. okay, well shit.

I'll start by explaining that I have slight(very big and annoying) memory issue. Like, "what month is it ? How old am I? Why is my hair so long ?" Type of issues. Meaning that I have no decent explanation to this and it could all be random stuff I'm making up w/ realizing it. So. Yeah.

..I'm not sure what I am- in the sense that a few years ago, our brain tried to stick us all together again to form a normal pre-teen. Well, more or less- I'm really not sure at this point. And, due to outside circumstances, it failed. But not completely, oh no no. Partially. Meaning that we're.. something. Never fully a person, never fully separate. Like a very unhappy puddle of oobleck. That changes color, gender and age every few hours on average. But not ever completely ! There's always that underlying current of murky brown, making it so that said oobleck always looks and feels pretty much the same. Whilst not. Also, memory loss ! Fun.

Though, Most of the time I(we ? It ? pronouns are hard) I(well, not me because it's actually not me but we have the same memory and speech patterns and skills so me ? But not. Kill me, please.) Feel like a wave- just a feeling, a vague observer drifting by, waiting for when they crash on the coast and the next wave comes in, always so similar yet different.

It's not fun. I don't know what to do. I don't.. I just don't. Honestly, trying to correctly explain our situation in words feels impossible.

But, yeah, I know you probably won't have any tips or know anybody who's been in a similar situation, but if you do, please, ignore our rudeness(we have weird, indistinct rules in place that quite literally stop us from saying the stuff I need to say directly. This is me doing my best to avoid them. It's probably incomprehensible, but I really don't have any other way to do so.) and answer with them ? I apologize- I'm sorry if this is the wrong place(..and way. Definitely the wrong way.) To ask, and for bothering you either way.

Anyways, I'm sorry for what you've just read and i hope you have a good day

Good timezone wherever you are. This ask sure took a lot of effort out of you didn't it? No worries, i still can comprehend what you are describing, i appreciate the attempt despite struggling. Let's start:

Thankfully you are in the right place, i can answer every system questions people throw at me so far,, i don't know anyone in a similar situation other than my own experience and a friend of mine--i will apply those to your answer here! What you're feeling now, is being blended.

Have things been happening badly these days? Maybe are you exhausted? Or sick? Your physical health contributes to how well you function as a system internally, if this seems to be the case then my advice is to tackle those issues as first priority.

I read that there was an attempt for your brain to merge other parts of yourselves together but got stuck mid way.. below this sentence, i will write the steps for you to incorporate into your daily lives in hopes of easing the disruptive and annoying state you're in:

Find out what's going on Is it your physical health affecting it? Or is your mental health? The experiences you've described also has clear signs on dissociating or disconnecting both of yourself and the world. If it's not a physical issue, then im writing this one at step 2

Ground back It's best you have lots of rest, affirm your anxiety or worries regarding this issue--trust yourself and have faith in the process, and do grounding techniques as well as vagus nerve practices.

Keep track of everything As you're prone to forgetting due to memory issues, it's best you write all, and recheck all your previous notes to tackle the amnesia. Creating a note that has all your important information written down will help reduce the stress and confusion in the future.

Slowly work on it Be it a physical, mental, or any other issues, it's best to go slow instead of rushing, and focus on the process rather than the results and expectations. I trust you to be flexible and adapt or improvise from this current plan. Always take notes and see how things are improving or not, the internet is filled with lots of resources out there!

This is what i have so far, as i cannot find the main reason for your current troubles other than presented signs of dissociation, blendedness and memory issues. Here is the link to my post about blend (along with it's other pals) and here is the link to my post on types of amnesia to give a head start, lastly an alter guide with questions and orientation (not intended for blurry or blended folks, but gives a foundation to understand which 'you' are you now). Feel free to continue this conversation at my DMs if you need further help, see you!

- j

[meldelamel]

Sans and depression

Cw: Depression (I talk about my symptoms in a superficial way), and suicide mention.

Today I was watching some Undertale videos on Youtube, and I found a meme video about Sans being depressed. In the comments, I saw the two sides of the Sans fandom: Someone saying "hey, Sans is not a depressed edgy teen", and someone replying "yes he is". Ignoring the "edgy teen" part (I'm not a fan of the term "edgy", I think it can do lots of harm), I agree with both sides, and I felt like I wanted to write a little essay about it and share my opinion on the "depressed Sans" topic. As I always say, if my opinion makes you mad or something, you can just scroll and done, this is not Twitter (or X, because apparently that's its new name) and I don't want it to be. Okay, now let's start because I ramble a lot...

Honestly, I think that every character in Undertale can have depression if you overthink them enough. Everyone has their struggles there, not only because it is something normal in life (even the happiest person struggles at times), but also because they are in a tricky situation: They are trapped in the Underground, unable to even see the sunlight, and working on going to the surface, and probably have a war with the humans. So every character has a reason to struggle, being it their past, personal life, or just that difficult situation as a whole. Depression is not black and white, people often think depression is always about being incredibly sad and wanting to die, but, like any mental illness, depression is more complex than that, and everyone experiences depression in a different way. Heck, depression can even mean being angry all the time! So every character can have some type of depression if you want to headcanon them as such.

People saw depression signs in Sans and just took it too far, reaching a point were they really made Sans a different character. I don't think that's fully wrong, because if you relate to Sans and him being what people often call "edgy" makes you feel safe, it's completely valid, as long as you accept that people may disagree with you, since everyone can interpret fictional characters differently. But honestly, in the game, Sans is not that way.

When I first played the game (I played it without knowing anything, I didn't even know Sans's famous line "you're gonna have a bad time", so I wasn't influenced by anybody), I did notice depression signs in Sans, since I have depression myself and I related to him. I even searched on Google to see if he was canonically depressed. When I got into the fandom and saw how people often see Sans, making him so incredibly sad and in constant pain, I could only disagree. Sure, Sans is not the happiest skeleton in the world, but he's also not dying. Or at least for what we see in the game, again, I'm not here to purposely ruin your headcanon 😂 He's just demotivated and even kind of apathetic, but he doesn't look suicidal or in extreme pain.

I had the "stereotypical depression" , so to speak. Three years ago, I was the "sad" type (I wouldn't describe how I felt as "sad", because it was a complex feeling, but for the sake of simplicity I will use that word), I had suicidal thoughts, low self-steem and self-harm tendencies.

However, now my depression looks completely different. I'm not sad, I don't even experience that type of "sad" I had back then, I'm just tired, bored, numb. I'm just unhappy. I don't have motivation and I hardly feel anything, I still can find joy sometimes when I'm for example playing Undertale, but as soon as I close the game, I'm numb again, and still that "joy" I feel is very different from the joy a healthy person experiences. I push myself to do stuff, just like Sans has Papyrus to push him to work, and just like Sans tries his best to do stuff for the people he cares about. I go outside, I do little tasks, I spend time with my loved ones etc.

It's just hard.

I can't even take care of myself, I have that ugly side of depression many people don't want to talk about were you are unable to take a bath and even brush your teeth because you are too overwhelmed to do anything. And I find funny that Sans doesn't bath either (Papyrus does, for example), at least not often, and you can't see him changing clothes, and when you're depressed even dressing up can be difficult, so there's that.

I'm not suicidal, I don't enjoy life but I'm hanging on and I really don't think about killing myself, I really feel like I don't care about anything really.

So yeah, Sans could perfectly have the apathetic type of depression, the bored type of depression. He's not in extreme pain, but that does not mean he is not suffering or/and struggling. Sans could also simply have dysthymia, which is similar to depression, but not that severe (take this description with a grain of salt though, I'm just trying to simplify it. I recommend that you inform yourself if you feel interested in dysthymia).

Also, you can be lazy and have depression. I'm naturally a lazy person, since I was a kid, demotivation only makes that laziness an actual problem. The healthy version of me would rather to be on the sofa than cleaning the house, depressed me wants to be on the sofa and can't really move from the sofa, even if I really wanted to, because I feel too exhausted mentally, and every little task is too much for me. I believe Sans is a naturally lazy monster, and if he has depression, he just has this combination. I say this because I saw people saying he's not lazy, just depressed.

So yeah, that's why I agree and disagree with the "depressed" headcanon. Sans can be depressed, but his depression is not like some people make it look like. But well, I think we all know that Sans is one of the most misinterpreted characters in Undertale, and I look foward to talk more about this weird fanon side in the future.

If you read all of this, thank you so much and... wtf how can you read so much agsyagghsgdhs you're really dedicated! I hope you found it interesting! Remember that this is just my opinion and I'm not forcing you to think like me or anything, and have a nice day because you deserve it! 🌸🌸🌸

PS. I don't headcanon Sans to have depression, but I like the idea of him having dysthymia instead.

[ktarsims]

Updates on Life and Such

SOOOOOO..... I promised an update a few weeks ago now... This is going to be a bit long, so I’ll post it under the cut.

TLDR: Poor decisions were made. I got first a sinus infection with bronchitis and then Pneumonia. Then my annual physical showed my thyroid continues to veer toward hyperthyroidism, and apparently I currently have high blood pressure. On the plus side, I got laid off with a month’s severance pay week and had a lovely root canal a couple of days ago.

When last we left off, there were rats in the walls and ants everywhere. This led to an abundance of Raid being sprayed in various places in the house (like the kitchen and bathrooms). I also decided to try using incense (eucalyptus and lemon!) in the tiny downstairs bathroom in case this would repel ants.

The incense in particular was poor decision making on my part. I know I’m sensitive to smoke, and my respiratory system tends to be weak, but it somehow made sense at the time, and I figured incense smoke is ‘cleaner’ than other smoke, so maybe it would be okay. Between the Raid and the incense I breathed in, I ended up with a sinus infection and my lungs massively inflamed. I was sick for six weeks, and only really got better when they gave me a steroid inhaler to calm down the lungs. (A really expensive steroid inhaler, I might add.)

I was well for about 2-3 weeks when I got gung-ho with energy and finally replaced the uncomfortable loveseat in a room I spend a lot of time in with a full size couch with two recliner seats. And then got one of those nifty shelving units with the differently sized shelves like I love in my sims homes to have space for all the things I displaced with the larger couch.

In the process of re-arranging the room... on the Friday before Christmas, I was extremely active and productive and at one point went outside to put some empty plant pots in the potting shed. While I was there, I saw dead leaves everywhere on the table, in the pots of the outdoor plants... etc. So I took a few minutes to just get the dead leaves out of the pots and off the table. I noticed a few of the leaves I moved were moldy, but trusted in short-term exposure being fine and didn’t run back into the house for a mask.

This requires explaining that about six years ago now, I had been out in the yard raking up leaves when everything was a bit wet and starting to go to mold and rot... and gave myself pneumonia by inhaling the leaf mold. Eheheh.... Seriously, I was perfectly well with no sign of illness and then less than 36 hours later I was in the emergency room because I could hardly breathe and they were telling me I had pneumonia.

So this was also a poor decision. I presume due to the short term exposure, the symptoms were less severe, but I still ended up with pneumonia. I had a second round of antibiotics, but had to use the steroid inhaler again to actually get things to calm down and feel well again.

All I can say here is I think I was feeling pretty stressed, depressed, and anxious because I was so unhappy with my job, but kept failing to find time to seriously search for a new job. Poor mental health leads to poor decisions.

I finally felt well again near the end of January. Then I had my rescheduled dentist appointment to deal with a tooth that’s been causing me lots of pain for 10+ years. It was a thing where they put on a crown, and when they were trying to put on the permanent crown, I objected and said it was hurting far too much and something was wrong. That particular dentist told me it was fine and the pain would go away briefly. But it wasn’t my first crown and I knew the pain level was too high. Anyhow, they overruled me and put it on anyways. It’s been a major source of pain ever since, though I lost my insurance by the time I was certain I’d been right, so I never got it fixed. I stopped chewing on that side of my mouth and just lived with it.

My current dentist is pretty fantastic. I told her about this tooth (we left it to last and fixed everything else first). She cut the crown off and drilled out some minor decay, and said she couldn’t ‘see’ anything else, but that we’d see if it was still giving me pain with the new temp crown on because maybe there was something underneath she couldn’t see. It was still giving me pain, so she referred me to an endodontist for a CT scan.

A few days later, when I hadn’t yet heard back from the endodontist on getting an appointment, I got messages one morning to not go into work because my assignment had been terminated. My first instant reaction was relief that I didn’t need to go to work that day. TBH, a month of severance is fairly generous for a contract job, and I’m fairly elated that I don’t need to keep going back to that job. I consider this great for my mental health.

A couple of hours later, I got a call from the Endodontist office to schedule my appointment. I love this endodontist. The CT scan showed that there was infection at the tips of the roots of that tooth and that the roots were dead. Yes, this means it’s probably been infected in that pocket between the tooth and jaw for 10+ years and just waxing and waning.

A little insert here. I had an annual physical with a new primary care doctor mid-january, and he asked me to see a psychiatrist to look over my anxiety medications. So I had that appointment (video call) the day before I got laid off. While I was at the Endodontist office later that week, waiting for the doctor to come in and talk to me, I was browsing the ‘notes’ attached to my video call with the psychiatrist. It was really confusing until I realized the name on those notes was NOT MINE. (Major confidentiality breach there.) I had to notify them about this, and then they fixed it, but... MAJOR violation of HIPPA there. Just like, wow. Anyways...

Monday, I went in for the root canal. The endodontist found the tooth actually had a third root that was still live, in addition to the two dead ones that were surrounded by infection. ALL cleared out. Today, I’m feeling relieved I don’t have to go back to the job I’d come to hate, extremely relieved that a long-time source of pain has been resolved, and I’m also looking forward to changing my medical insurance away from Kaiser because this last experience has solidified for me that I want nothing more to do with Kaiser.

I’m on blood pressure medication for now, and working to put more potassium back into my diet. It’s dropped a little, though not enough to satisfy my doctors yet. I think whoever my next doctor is will have to follow up on that and the hyperthyroid.

I still have a lot of things to catch up on at the moment, things that didn’t get done while I was sick, paperwork with the loss of the job, getting the permanent crown put on now that the root canal is done, etc. I’m hoping though, that life will calm down a bit, and between no longer needing to deal with that job and the resolution of something that’s been causing me a lot of pain over the years, I think mental health with improve and I can hopefully get back to things like Sims again. <3 I miss my games.