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a-memory-a-distant-echo · 3 months

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ok, i'm being so brave and making the rec post that i told anon i would do like three days ago.

the obligatory caveats. this is not comprehensive—i haven't read all the fic in this fandom, and i've barely looked at anything not in english. my reading habits are pretty broad—i'll read almost any pairing, and am generally willing to suspend my disbelief to do so. i am not usually an au person, though this fandom is doing its absolute damndest to prove me wrong on that point.

also i have…more…fics that i felt i should rec somewhere, so probably this is rec post one, but ten felt like enough and also saying things in public where people can hear me is, it turns out, absolutely excruciating. please no one be mean to me about this post, especially if you wrote one of these fics, because if you are i will simply fill my pockets with rocks and take to the sea, ok? ok.

excited to find out what i manage to do that ruins the formatting, links the wrong fics and/or people, or otherwise breaks things in this post. please tell me if i've fucked up, or if your fic is on this list and you would rather i keep your name out of my mouth, or whatever.

first, a very special mention to the mlc reference guide by @yletylyf. this is such an incredibly comprehensive and generous resource. you want a timeline for this show that does an incredibly poor job of maintaining its own timeline? it's here. you want episode summaries? they're here. you want all the people and places? they're here. if you're writing fic, you want this guide, because it's so much easier and faster than scanning episodes or subs files to figure out the name of one specific guy or whatever. it also means that at least occasionally you work on the thing rather than accidentally rewatching the same scene five times, or hypothetically watching two to four episodes without even really thinking about what you're doing. the reference guide is the unsung mvp of fandom.

beyond porch and portal, difanghua, teen, by willowdream. this is the vampire au that i didn't know i wanted? the author posted it and their note was like 'i'm trying to be the change i want to see in the world,' and i was like ok sure, i'm not really convinced that the change i need is vampire aus, but i'll give it a go, and then i did and was like, oh shit, i'm eating fucking glass about this vampire au, i'm chewing on my own fucking fingers, i'm so fucking normal about this, i need another hundred thousand words of this and also seventeen more vampire aus in my inbox by monday morning. i literally finished reading it and scrolled right back to the top to read it again. i have no idea why this fic hits so hard, but it took me out at the knees. the voices are perfect. something about it is just impossibly compelling.

不安的遠離，再无歸期 | restless distance, without return, fang duobing/qiao wanmian, mature and teen, by @difeisheng. this is technically two fics but they're short and you should read both of them because they're such a brutal, perfect encapsulation of grief, and a really beautiful acknowledgement of the ways that fang duobing and qiao wanmian can be read as reflections of each other, separated by a decade, and it just fucking guts me. i dunno. it's about the grief! it's about the yearning! it's about someone who understands parts of you that you wish didn't exist! i think i've reread this like once a week for the last six weeks and i feel like it gets overlooked because it's not A Ship but like. it could be. it should be.

dance the silence down, fanghua and feihua, explicit, by @momosandlemonsoda. this fic. ugh. ok. i'm breaking my own rules. i had two when i started writing this post: no works in progress, and no reccing things that i haven't left a comment on, like a goddamn grownup. this one fic is breaking both of those rules and i feel bad about it and will hopefully spend like, all day tomorrow just commenting on every chapter or something, but i have to do this. this fic is so good. this fic ruins me. this fic is 63k, still a work in progress, and also if i were losing the whole internet tomorrow and i got to keep one fic in all the world and it was the only fic i could have for the rest of time, it might have to be this one, even as a work in progress. i ignored this fic for so long—by which i mean probably two of the four months since i first watched mysterious lotus casebook—because i was like, i don't like aus, and i especially don't like rock star aus. (or sex work aus, and you're never gonna fucking believe what else this author is writing and what else i absolutely cannot get enough of—this is a sneaky bonus rec for all i wanna do is wrong, another fic that i feel so so so normal about!) but then i was like okkkkkkk but. maybe i'll try it. people seem to be nuts for it. and then i read it and i was like OH HOLY SHIT PEOPLE ARE FULLY CORRECT TO BE ABSOLUTELY UNHINGED ABOUT THIS and normally, honestly, i wouldn't bother posting a rec like this because it's like 'oh haha have you read the five most popular fics in this fandom?' and it feels so redundant, but i know for a fact that a friend of mine who finished watching the show yesterday is reading this post, and even if everyone else has read it, she has not! anyhow as a former music person and a former diner cook, this fic like. i don't know. i feel like it broke me but also fixed me? i literally criticise writing professionally and every time i try to talk about this fic i find myself speechless because it's so perfect to me. i am deeply unwell about this fic. every time a new chapter comes out i sit down and read the whole thing again, yes, all sixty-thousand-plus words of it. some nights you go to bed and you're like 'what's the fucking point?' and then you're like 'no wait, there will eventually be more of dance the silence down,' and somehow that makes things suck a tiny bit less. my wife has made me take out like six sentences from this rec because they're too intense and too weird about it but i need you to understand: you have to read this fic.

in this dream, there is a lover to share this life with, fanghua, g, by @lianhuajing. alternative ending for the end of episode 27, in which li lianhua—precious man who has yet to discover a hill he's not willing to die on—apologises to fang duobing the only way he knows how, and it's wildly upsetting for everyone (but it's ok and it doesn't end miserably, no one panic). this is a delightfully angsty treat, and i love how conflicted fang duobing is in it—i feel like it's not something that i've seen explored a lot, but this poor boy really fuckin goes through it—his best friend and his childhood idol are the same person but are lying to him about it, and his dad's not actually his father and has been lying to him about it, and his best friend/childhood idol may have killed his father, and—yeah, is lying to him about it. like? someone give this poor man a hug and a cup of tea and a snack and a blankie. i love that we get to see some of his internal conflict in this.

quintessence of dust, feihua, teen, by justthereforit. this plays with one of my very most favourite tropes in the world, which is the one where the heart is a physical object and a physical form of trust and control and surrender and—like. this is so good. it's set in episode 13, which is, for me, one of the absolute peak angst points, and it absolutely nails it. di feisheng who's upset and vulnerable and frustrated and angry, li lianhua who knows he's going to die and can't bear the thought that he's going to take anyone else down with him, and they're both just so fucked up. chef kiss. i love it when everyone is emotionally wrecked and continually like 'ok no, i can take one more knife in my soul to protect someone else', and this absolutely delivers on that.

under moonlight, we change our futures yet again, feihua, explicit, by @thesilversun. the wedding room! obviously we have to have a wedding room fic, right? i'm not going to lie: i'm willing to suspend a lot of disbelief for wedding room fics, but in this one, it's actually a wonderfully, horrifyingly plausible setup. it walks a really fine line of keeping people in character, and acknowledging the inherent horror and seriousness of the situation, and also providing some desperately hot sex, and also managing to get the emotional beats of it, too. it has a sequel, which imo really has to be read as the conclusion to this fic, and it's just as good. it's possible that some of what i'm saying here is 'i love vulnerable-inside crusty-outside di feisheng' but like. i do. i love it so much.

what's sealed away, feihua, teen, by @bbcphile. AMNESIA FIC yessssss, a-fei my beloved, fics that handle brain damage/memory issues/amnesia well my beloveddddd. i love the a-fei arc, but i also have had a number of brain injuries and some other stuff that means that my own memory is…not so great, so i sometimes really struggle with how often amnesia in fiction is played off either as nothing to worry about or as a funny thing where everyone's in on the joke except the person who has amnesia. this fic is a great and sometimes very visceral exploration of a horrifying experience, and a really fantastic study of a-fei/di feisheng as a character, as well as the relationship that he has with li lianhua. a-fei trying to balance the trust he has in the sense memory of his body with his understanding of his relationship with li lianhua with li lianhua's reaction to—everything, really—is really well done and wonderful/terrible to read.

我只愿面朝大海 | i wish only to face the sea, g, by foreverstudent. ok so you wanna fuck yourself up some more? go read this. this is canon divergence from episode 39, and fang duobing has learned too well the lessons he's been taught, and sees the shape of things before li lianhua ever touches the wangchuan flower—so he sets about making sure that he won't be able to throw it away. this is agonising and gorgeous and maintains the canon relationships while developing the narrative differently. i wept literal tears. i was like 'ok that's it the worst part is over!' and then i remembered that there was another part coming and then i started crying. anyhow, it is—as ever, with me—about the devotion.

我住長江頭, 君住長江尾 -- i live upstream, you live downstream, fanghua, teen, by @rimbaudofficial. ok so this is Not a fic that i should like, because i am a massive academic failure and despite being in my forties have regular nightmares about having to re-engage with academia for like. any reason. HOWEVER. as noted, i read indiscriminately, even when i'm like 'reading this is a terrible idea and will be upsetting for me personally!', so i was like 'well, how bad of an idea can it possibly be?' and then instead! it was. incredibly charming? it was so fucking cute? the fang duobing characterisation in this is somehow just perfect to me—he's simultaneously confident and vulnerable, and also just so deeply committed to the weird clueless guy who he's decided is meant for him. di feisheng and li lianhua have a perfect weird-bros friendship. i would read another ten chapters of this and i would love it.

#mysterious lotus casebook #fic recs #mlc fic #oh god i hate tagging things so much; ok i can do this #difanghua #fanghua #feihua #i'm a little surprised there's no difang in this because i love it but i guess it's sort of a numbers game #do not @ me about my alphabetising choices #i am not utf-8 compliant and you cannot make me segregate character sets in a way that matters #echoes linger

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canonicallyobserving911 · 6 months

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Buck & Eddie: T.K. and T.K. possible and potential parallels

Taylor Kelly vs. Tommy Kinard

I've been thinking about the "possible and potential parallels" between Taylor Kelly and Tommy Kinard all day and I believe their similarities go far beyond their initials.

Since the new stills for 7x4 are now available, I think I may know where one of the "You don't know me"'s from the title of episode 7x5 may come from.

I did a post about Buck saying "You don't even know me" in 2x8 (linked here) and I think there's going to be several people saying it to someone in 7x5 and one of them might be Eddie saying it to Tommy. At first I didn't think it sounded like something he would say but now I do think he would especially if it's about Buck.

Back to the regularly scheduled program...

Last week I rewatched the begins episodes for Chimney, Hen and Bobby (post linked here) and I was reminded of how horribly Tommy treated Chimney and Hen when they first arrived at the 118. He wasn't really rude to Bobby (his best friend Sal DeLuca was) but Tommy transferred to the 217 not long after Bobby transferred in.

Reminder, Tommy and Chimney are "supposed" to be friends and Chimney called him in 2x14 to help the 118 with the neighborhood fire in Doheny Park. But it's interesting because in 7x4, Eddie's the one who will be hanging out with Tommy but Chimney will be the one who invites Buck to play basketball with them 👀.

Before I continue, I have to include something Hen said in 3x16 while the 118 was playing pool in the firehouse.

Buck had just met Red and he was freaking out about how the firefighters from Red's former firehouse left him behind (Actually, he was really freaking out about himself but reminder, Eddie had already taken care of that when he changed his will after 3x15). He went on to explain how Red was living in a one bedroom apartment that he paid for with his pension. Sound familiar? It should because Buck lives in a one bedroom apartment and he's single 👀.

After some discussion about them keeping in touch with each other if someone left, transferred or if Bobby retires, Eddie asked Chimney and Hen, "Like you two. You still keep in touch with the guys who used to be here, right?" but Hen responded, "Um... I don't know if we'd call some of them friends". Then Chimney said he called Tommy for a favor the year before but he never called him back.

In 7x3, Hen still side eyed Tommy and she didn't trust him but she went along with it to save Bobby and Athena. Also, Chimney wasn't shown calling Tommy to ask him for help, they were already there when she arrived.

Why is this important?

Well, what if Tommy DIDN'T really change and he's still the same person he was years ago just like Taylor DIDN'T change? Reminder, the show made it seem like she was redeemed but she really wasn't.

In 5x18, she told Buck "You knew who I was when you started dating me" and the truth is, he did.

So what if...

Tommy shows his true colors to Eddie and says something about Buck and Tommy ends up being the same jerk he was towards Hen and Chimney years earlier? If so and Eddie realizes Tommy is not the cool new friend he thought he was, then he just might tell him "You don't know me or Buck". Reminder, Eddie hasn't had a lot of friends and I said it before that him and Marisol might just be friends and they aren't seriously dating (post linked here).

I just think it's interesting that Tommy and Taylor BOTH HAD TROUBLED PASTS with the 118 during season 2 and they're both being paralleled with Buck and Eddie and they are/were supposedly their friends.

Another reminder, Taylor always wanted to throw the 118 under the bus and she finally did in 5x17 with the Jonah story so maybe Tommy hasn't changed at all. Or maybe he has but he's still holding onto some frustrations or animosities towards Hen, Chimney and Bobby, especially if he's still cool with Sal.

The point of this post is, I don't think it's a coincidence that Taylor and Tommy have the same initials, troubled pasts with the 118 and they're both connected to Buck and Eddie.

Eddie loves Buck to his CORE and they're in love with each other! Therefore he won't hesitate to tell Tommy to get the hell on if he says something negative about Buck.

Will Tommy Kinard show his true colors before the end of 7x5? Only the showrunner, writers and producers know the answer to that question.

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becauseimanicequeen · 2 months

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Since I love shows that make me speculate about theories, I rewatched the first episode of 4 Minutes last night just for fun (and to spot some new clues, for example, that it looked like Tyme was shot at those abandoned buildings where the gambling headquarters were, how Tonkla reacted to the black cat, the set design in Great's room, etc.).

Two days ago, I expanded on one of my theories, the one about Great having an out-of-body experience throughout most of what we saw in the first episode, which I believe is caused by him having a cardiac arrest (the patient at the beginning of the episode).

While rewatching the episode last night, I noticed two other moments that support this theory (which I would've noticed the first watch if I hadn't watched it at 1 am due to the Olympics opening ceremony, lol).

The first moment is when Great starts to feel unwell in the elevator at the beginning of the episode, there's a moment when you hear a shot-like sound and the screen flashes... That could be linked to the defibrillator used to restart Great's heart in the present (which we see in the beginning sequence).

He also holds a hand on his chest whenever he feels unwell, which happened in the elevator (pictured above), but also when he has his second "4-minutes phenomenon" (which is what Den called it in his research).

There's definitely something going on with his heart.

The second moment that supports my theory (that most of what we saw in the first episode was Great's out-of-body experience) is what we find out about Den's research. He has three unnamed patients talking about their out-of-body experiences, and then Lukwa gives us more details.

Her heart stopped beating, she didn't know what was happening, she just lived life normally but it was like the events of her past were playing in her mind, and while it felt real, the odd thing was that she could see 4 minutes into the future.

That sounds very much like Great's experience, doesn't it?

That also explains why he saw those flashes of him and Tyme together.

Those flashes are basically his present self's memories (the person who had a cardiac arrest at the beginning of the episode). So, even though the Great we're following now (the out-of-body experience version) has these visions of himself and a man he probably hasn't met before, the present-time Great has met Tyme, which is where those memories are coming from.

Could I be wrong about this? Sure. It's a Sammon story after all.

Am I overanalyzing? Probably. I mean, my wild-ass, delulu theories during DFF have already proven that I have a tendency to do that with certain shows, lol.

But, does it also make sense? Yes. So this is definitely a possibility.

If this turns out to be the case, however, the big question for me (at this point) is what purpose this has. It's not like an out-of-body experience can alter anything, right? It can't rewrite the past, even if Great does things differently while having his out-of-body experience.

So, what's the purpose of it all? My guess is that it's about collecting information. Perhaps something that will help him (and possibly a shot/dying Tyme) when he wakes up after his cardiac arrest. Or something that has to do with his dad's illegal business. Or both. Or something entirely different.

Whatever it might be, I can't wait to find out more.

Is it Friday, yet?

#ice queen holmes #4 minutes #4 minutes the series #thai ql #thai bl #thai series #my shit

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starrysvn · 2 years

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married in vegas | choi san

pairing: choi san x gn!reader genre: exes2lovers synopsis: choi san had been your first true love and who you'd hoped would be your last. but things don't always work out. too bad your friends were his too, and jung wooyoung was hellbent on spending a long weekend birthday trip in las vegas. never mind your poor heart. warnings: drinking, swear words, a lil angst, dramatics, fluff, unedited word count: 5.2k author's note: fourth installment is here! hope you like this one, i recently rewatched that one episode of friends (iykyk) and just thought i'd put the final dialogue from it in here, kinda. ngl i feel like on the whole i could've done better but i hope you'll enjoy your read anyway! :3

series masterlist | regular masterlist

The breakup was amicable. You stayed friends and, sure, you didn’t hang out as much as you used to - for obvious reasons - and, yes, you did try to get out of any gathering that you knew he was going to be at. Still, you were civil. You could be in his presence.

And yet, all of that didn’t explain why the mere mention of him joining his best friend’s birthday trip to Las Vegas, had you circling around the room like a madman.

“I hope you’re fucking joking” you whine through the phone, earning a sigh from Yeosang.

“You’re blowing this way out of proportion”

“Am I?”

After talking your best friend’s ear off for minutes on end, that sounded wrong to your own ears.

“How did you not realize? San is Wooyoung’s best friend, of course he’d be there!” he reasons, as if you need a reminder that you are being ridiculous. “Plus, he’s taking a huge leap of faith in inviting you both”

“Listen, it was months ago, he didn’t use the group chat to invite us, I didn’t put two and two together. I had a lot on my plate! And hey, we’re civil!” The silence that meets you is so loud. You sigh. “Sorry for the dramatics, it’s been a long day”

After all, you are still recovering from having to dash home in a downpour. And having to stay after hours to have a long, unnecessary meeting with your head of department. Realizing your ex-boyfriend would also be joining your long weekend getaway was just the cherry on top.

“I’d say sorry for springing this up on you at the last minute, but then again, I could’ve just waited to see your face tomorrow” you hit him back with a real funny, Sang, smiling when you hear him snort. The line goes quiet for a second. “Do you want me to come over? We can head to the airport together in the morning” Yeosang says softly, a silent peace offering.

“Are you kidding? Have you seen the weather?” you look out the window, the rain’s still unforgivingly pouring down.

“Unlike you, I don’t refuse to drive in dire conditions” he pokes fun.

“You’re on thin fucking ice, Kang Yeosang”

“I’ll be over in ten” you could basically see his amused grin. You let out a chuckle hanging up. Then you press a hand to your forehead, trying to soothe the headache starting to form.

Choi San is the boyfriend. The one you never thought would leave. The one parting from hurt like nothing you ever experienced. The one you eventually bounced back from, but did you really? Because it still feels as if he was a part of you, just as much as you are a part of him. And when he left, you had to re-learn how to go through life with a missing piece.

He’d been your best friend, the person you ran to for everything. Someone you loved so much that it scared you sometimes because you knew just how much it would kill you to lose him.

Choi San is the one that got away and took a piece of you with him.

But what could you do, after months of healing and avoiding him, when your friends were his friends too? Declining invitations got old fast. The first time you saw him again, you thought you could handle his presence for the night. And you did but cried the whole way home. After that, no more. With time, it got better. Seeing him no longer left you with a sinking feeling. Of course, it isn’t like before, but it never could be, and you made your peace with that.

Still, after one year, you microdose on San, afraid of what could happen to your heart if you spent too much time close to him. It’s for your own sake, your peace of mind. That’s why, when it finally clicked into place that you’d be spending a whopping four days in his presence, you flipped.

The doorbell pulls you from your thoughts, and a smiley Yeosang holding a bottle of wine greets you. You should have known better than to accept alcohol as a peace offering from your best friend. Most of all, you should know that it never really ends with just one bottle. Because now you are incredibly hungover, severely nauseous and totally late for your flight.

“This is all your fault” you hiss as Yeosang asks the Uber driver to please hurry. Both your phones are annoyingly dinging with unread text messages, not helping your headache at all.

“Excuse you?” he turns around, tone accusatory. “As far as I remember, you were the one who brought out the tequila”

“Well, you didn’t stop me”

“You were crying!”

“Even worse!”

Your bickering is brought to an end by the screeching halt of the car in front of the airport. You ignore the severe wave of nausea it causes and get out, Yeosang right in tow. Incessant teasing and half-hearted blame tossing accompanies your run through the airport.

With just five minutes to spare, Wooyoung’s screeching hyena laughter welcomes the two of you at the gate. Surely the matching sunglasses and coats thrown over your pyjamas are a sight to behold, you think as you hug your friends hello.

“Birthday boy!” you pull Wooyoung into a big hug, giggling when he sways you both back and forth.

“Thank you for coming” he already said that months ago, when he first proposed the idea, but right now - with San’s eyes on you - the sincerity in Wooyoung’s somehow shines brighter.

“Thank you for having me” you smile genuinely. The breakup put a strain on your group of friends for a little, and you wanted to make sure he knew how much you appreciated him wanting you here. He squeezes your hand, before moving to Yeosang.

“We need to go, you’ll say hi in eleven hours when we land. Chop, chop!” Seonghwa rushes everyone to join the last few people in line. You let go of Mingi, laughing, hearing Yunho say something along the lines of they literally just started boarding, and follow the rest. You finish saying your hellos through boarding, finally facing San.

As you always do when it comes to him, you push down whatever mixed feelings bubbled up in your chest and put on a smile.

“Hi, San," you wave, so you're stunned when he just spares you a quick side hug, smiling curtly after greeting you.

Your friends had long stopped holding their breath whenever you two are in the same room, but this feels off. Like a splash of cold water, it sends you back to the first, awkward time you met up again. Nobody seems to notice though, apart from Yeosang. Unlike the rest of your friends, his gaze still lingers on you carefully. You subtly nod at him, like you always do.

Sighing, you keep walking beside your best friend, not really able to shake the disappointment San’s cold greeting leaves you with. Despite your best efforts, you let it eat away at you during the flight, the car ride to the hotel and the moments you unpack. No amount of berating does it. Why would he behave like that? Is this all in your head?

It’s not like you two would usually have heart to hearts but you talked, at least. You were friendly. So you don’t get why suddenly San is being so distant. For Wooyoung’s sake, you promised yourself you’d do your best to ignore it all. Be the bigger person and not get involved with whatever bullshit had his panties in a twist.

A whole day into the trip and you had to resist the urge to punch him in the face for behaving like an immature teenager multiple times. But you keep contact to a minimum. Complain to Yeosang in the comfort of your hotel room. Take several deep breaths. You aren’t good at this whole maintain-inner-peace thing.

“I just wish he would stop ignoring me”

The view from the panoramic terrace of the hotel is breathtaking, but, margarita in hand and sunglasses on, you find yourself not fully appreciating it. Not when you are using your time away from the rest of the group to vent to your best friend. Again.

“Ah, so you do care” the way Yeosang wiggles his eyebrows makes you want to wipe off that smirk on his face.

“No, I don’t” he doesn’t look too convinced. “Seriously! He’s just making it hard to get along with him”

“Or is his distance making you think about stuff you don’t want to think about?” you hate how much your best friend knows you. You let out an exasperated sigh.

The last thing you should be thinking about was your ex, but you can’t help it. He wouldn’t usually behave like that and, you had to admit, it threw you for a loop. Not to mention how you despise the way you still catch yourself thinking about him. It’s subconscious at this point and it's been hard to accept. Had he finally moved on? Were you the only one left running in circles inside your head?

No matter how much distance there is between the two of you, he’s still there, in a corner of your mind. Like a phantom pain, he follows you in the most mundane of things. The frozen aisle at the supermarket still reminds you of his favorite ice cream brand. When buying Christmas presents, your brain immediately goes to the one thing he’s been obsessing over. The reminders zap you like an electric shock, bringing you back to reality. San is a friend now - they say. Nothing more, nothing less. And so you’d berate your heart for acting like he wasn’t. You’d put down the tube of mint-choco ice cream with a sigh, and choose fucking socks as a present.

“Promise we won’t change?”

It was hard to make out the look on his face through the tears in your eyes. You never thought breaking up would hurt this bad, like giving up a piece of you. It felt like the end of the world. Of your world. One where you could no longer navigate life with San.

“You’ll always be my best friend” he murmured, lips against the skin of your neck. You felt the wetness on his face, too. “We’ll go back to how it was before”

But how could it? Now that you knew what it was like to be loved by him, and what a thing it was to love him. Against all hopes, that night, you hoped he was right.

No amount of space was ever able to lessen the strain the break-up put on your already existing friendship. You keep it amicable, for everyone else’s sake, but it just isn’t like before. It could never be. You both broke that promise, one that perhaps you shouldn’t even have made.

You’ve long realized that it’s closure that you need. Because the two of you healed separately, but never really talked about it together. It’s a conversation you need to have if you intend on being around each other. What scares you the most, though, is the possibility of something happening. Or rather, of you letting it happen. You aren’t so sure about San. If you truly want to let go, you need to know.

The dings of your phones pulls you from your thoughts.

meet in the lobby in an hour-ish? we’re going out!

You share a look with Yeosang, knowing birthday celebrations are due tonight, and Wooyoung isn’t about to hold back.

“Let’s go” your best friend offers an encouraging smile, walking back to the room with you.

The second you go down to meet with your friends, you feel yourself stumble on your heels and almost wish to find a way out of this dinner party. Now, you aren’t a stranger to San’s beauty, you never were. But holy fuck, how you wished that he was still yours. If he were, you could saunter up to him and tell him just how breathtaking he looked with his unbuttoned white shirt and slicked-back hair. The knowledge hits you like a train and leaves you breathless.

You need a drink.

And, boy, do you get one.

You don’t remember the last time you had this much fun. Wooyoung sure knows how to party. The dinner went quite smoothly - safely hidden between Yeosang and Mingi, you didn’t spare much attention to San, not that he spared you any - and soon after the birthday boy dragged you to a club.

“Sunshine!” Wooyoung appears out of nowhere, stealing you away from your impromptu dance battle against a buzzed Mingi. “Don’t you look stunning” he compliments, twirling you around, flirty as usual. You cackle, throwing your hands on his shoulders.

“Thanks Woo, you look dashing” you wink back, dancing with him.

“You shouldn’t be saying that to me,” he laughs. The confusion in your eyes must be enough for him to elaborate. “I noticed you’ve been eyeing a certain someone… who happened to be eyeing back”

“Who?” you’re going to fight this. No way.

“Don’t play dumb now” his face gets closer until his lips are pressed against the shell of your ear. “If looks could kill, I’d be dust right now. So would be Mingi” you gape at him, watching as he smiles amusedly.

“Wooyoung, we’re not going to talk about me and him during your birthday party”

“Oh, please! My birthday wish is for you two to get back together already!” homeboy is drunk. Your jaw hits the floor, and you smack his arm. He just laughs harder.

“Wooyoung, what!? You can’t be serious”

“Come on! You’re both incredibly oblivious about your feelings. It's getting sad” he groaned in frustration. “You’re still obviously hung up on each other and I can’t take it anymore, it’s excruciating! Take me out of this misery”

“There’s a reason we called it quits, Woo” you deadpan, taking a step back from him.

“And it’s a stupid one,” he looks like he’s about to say more, but he can’t.

“Alright enough” because Yunho, your saving grace, intervenes. “We’re going back to our booth” he shoots you an apologetic smile, half dragging the birthday boy away and back to the others. You don’t know how much of the conversation he caught, but judging by the good-natured scolding he’s doing, it was enough. You sigh, deciding it’s time for your well-deserved drink. As soon as you reach the bar, you claim the last free stool for yourself.

Wooyoung’s words won’t leave you alone. They keep bouncing around in your head louder than the booming music. Was it really a stupid reason? But most of all, how drunk does he have to be to insinuate that San is still in love with you? That you are still in love with him?

You nod to the bartender when the drink lands in front of you.

The night you broke up is a tangled up mess of emotions and memories you rarely ever allow to resurface. At first, it hurt too much, and then, just like everything else San, you tried to forget in order to move on. But if you think long enough, you still feel him slip away from you, the hollow in your chest when you woke up the morning after and his head wasn’t resting on the pillow beside yours.

Lazily, you toy with the straw of your drink.

It was something about work and it keeping you apart that drove a wedge into your relationship. The nights when one of you would pass out waiting up for the other started to become the norm. The arguments that the lack of each other’s presence fired up outnumbered the sweet talks you used to have over dinner.

Bitter words were spoken, and everything crashed and burned to its fateful end. The mutual decision to break it off before you broke the other seemed the best option. You never truly gave yourself time to think if you regretted it, afraid that bringing it up would only prevent you from letting San go. So, you foolishly swept it under the rug.

And now, here you are, downing your drink in response to the wave of emotions Wooyoung’s words elicited in you. Trying to ignore how your skin crawls every time the man sitting beside you lays his eyes on you. Inching away every time he tries to talk to you.

“We’re leaving” there is no mistaking his voice, but it feels so foreign. You turn around, facing him. His unreadable eyes send a chill down your spine. You lift a brow in question.

“You’re drunk,” San shrugs. “I’m taking you back to the hotel”

Who does he think he is? Looking down at you from his high horse of righteousness, worrying about you like he cared. You scoff.

“‘M not and you most definitely aren’t” you turn around in your seat, facing away from him.

“Are too, come on” San’s hand reaches for your arm, turning you back around and trying to safely get you off the stool.

“And what’s it to you?” you finally snap, shrugging him off. “You haven’t spoken more than two words to me the whole trip, why do you care now?”

Despite your resolution not to cry, or not to care, you feel tears stinging in your eyes. So much for not letting him phase you.

“Yeah, let go man” all hopes of getting out of this situation are ruined the second the guy sitting beside you speaks. You roll your eyes, bracing for what’s to come and cursing yourself for not leaving the bar after getting your drink. “Who are you to ruin their fun?”

“I’m their boyfriend”

Of course.

But you can’t deny that the way he says it - like he very much believes it - moves something inside you.

San doesn't waste any time and doesn’t wait for a reply. His fingers wrap around your wrist delicately, making goosebumps cover your skin. His hold is familiar, warm and it makes you feel like crying. Too stunned to speak, you let him carry you through the stuffy club, not even bothering to apologize to the people you bumped into.

It takes way longer than you’d like to get out of the club, and the lump in your throat is getting harder to ignore by the second. Suddenly, you don’t feel like blaming San all that much for ignoring you.

Once the cold air of the night hits you, you free yourself from his firm grasp. San stops dead in his tracks, looking at you. You can’t do this right now. You worked so hard to keep things civil between you two, you can’t fight with him on Wooyoung’s day. Knowing that one more word from him would break you. You take a deep breath.

“You just had to do that, didn’t you?” Clearly, it didn’t work.

“And here I was, thinking I was going to get a thank you”

You point a finger at his chest. “I can handle my own, San” and there it is, that look on his face that tells you he knows better. He knows you. And for a moment, you hate that he’s right. For a moment, you hate him for fucking with your head. “And you know perfectly well what I’m talking about”

“Do I?”

“What do you want me to tell you, San? You’ve been acting all distant and righteous these past couple of days, and then you pull this stunt?” This is most certainly a conversation you don’t want to have in the middle of the street, but oh well. “You could’ve just asked if I wanted a ride back to the hotel, there was no need for all that”

A gust of wind blows by, making you shiver. When San moves closer, all traces of his anger gone, you stand still, holding your breath. Dumbstruck, you follow his every movement. San peels his jacket off, only to drape it over your shoulders. Something he’s done a million times before. A melancholy so strong pulls at your heartstrings. You didn’t think he noticed. His touch lingers a second too long, eyes looking into yours as if asking if what he just did was alright.

“Thanks” you mumble, watching him step back. The warmth melts your anger away as much as it messes with your head. You don’t like how the air shifts and becomes heavy with the weight of words left unsaid.

But what would you even tell him? That, apparently, for how much you tried, you can't move on? That he lingers in your mind, in your heart, your apartment. That he’s still all over you, and you don’t know how to shrug him off – you aren’t even sure if you want to.

“I miss you” the words leave your lips before you have a chance to stop them. You definitely shouldn’t have drunk tonight. San’s eyes are on you in a split second, but yours stay focused on the pavement. You can feel his gaze putting you on the spot, begging you to say more. You don’t.

“Me too” he speaks so quietly that his words almost get lost in the night.

San waves a taxi over and helps you in. The whole ride back is quiet; you’re a second away from bursting into tears, having finally realized the extent of your feelings for San. Only cursing Wooyoung for being right keeps you in one piece until you reach the door to your room.

You go to unlock it and turn around to give him his jacket back. Not being surrounded by his scent sends your heart to your feet. You can’t believe all the work you did not to feel like this anymore has gone to shit.

“Thank you,” you say once more, before turning to step into your dark room so you can cry to your heart’s content and pretend none of this happened in the morning.

San’s hand grips yours, stopping you in your tracks. When he whispers your name, you’re done for. One second you’re about to hide in your room and the other he’s turning you to him. You can see how he's looking for the words to say. You know that expression all too well, you recognize the furrow of his brow. Then e pulls you closer and the breath gets knocked out of your lungs. He’s closer than he’s ever been in a year and pressed as you are against his chest, you’re afraid he might hear the way your heart is furiously beating.

His sorry eyes are scanning every inch of your face, or so you think, blinking back tears. Under his gaze, you’re burning. Because you want him to let you go and hold you closer at the same time. His hands on your hips are still delicate, you can break free at any time, but you’re not sure you want to.

Your breath hitches when his forehead connects to yours, you can’t breathe, you can’t think-

And then he’s kissing you, and it’s like coming home. It tastes sweet like your drink and bitter like the whiskey on his tongue. You’re unsure if the saltiness is from your tears or his. It’s familiar and your gut tells you that it’s so right, so good that you push yourself closer, lose yourself in him. San’s hold on you is almost bruising, and he’s kissing you like you’re the only thing he’s ever known. Like he used to when he wanted to show you just how much he loved you-

You push away from him like you’ve been stunned. His confused eyes search your face, asking what’s wrong. You clear your voice, but no words leave your mouth. So, when he calls your name with a voice so fragile that it makes you shiver, it’s all you can do to bid him goodnight and finally lock yourself in your room.

Your lips are still tingling, you still feel San’s mouth on yours. In the darkness, a sob wrecks you. You’re supposed to be over him. You spent so much time trying to be. Your heart shouldn’t be breaking this way; for the time you lost trying to forget him, for how all your efforts were in vain.

“Let me in” though muffled by the door, his voice makes you jump. “Please”

Another loud sob escapes you, and you curse yourself for not stepping away from the entrance. Of course, he’d stay. Of course, he’d hear. Well, you can’t run now, can you?

When you open the door, San’s head shoots up. He goes to take a step but hesitates. You simply open the door wider, and he visibly relaxes. After letting him in, you close the door and turn on the lights. The silence is thick, and you almost can’t breathe.

“I’m sorry” he starts, catching your attention. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have done a lot of things these past few days” despite your tears, you manage a scoff.

“Why?” it’s all that leaves your lips, but you know he’s caught on. You’re met with silence. Disappointment spreads like wildfire in your heart. He doesn't even have an answer - you bitterly think.

“So you’ve got nothing to say for yourself?” you push, starting to feel the anger bubble up inside. “You know how hard I’ve tried to make this trip work for Wooyoung's sake? For all our friends' sake? So that they don’t have to walk on eggshells around us, or invite us out one at a time?”

“And I haven’t!?”

“Oh, don’t sound so surprised, San!” you take a step closer. “We were doing alright, why’d you have to go and act like you have a stick up your ass whenever I’m around? Wooyoung’s your best friend, for crying out loud!”

“Don’t act all high and mighty! Have you ever considered, hell, even ever stopped to think-”

“Have I?” oh, if he only knew. “Have I? All I ever do is think, San! You’ve haunted all of my what-ifs ever since we broke up. So you can’t go ahead and pull shit like this when I’ve been trying my damn best”

Your voice is thick with emotion and your throat feels tight. The deafening silence that meets you makes your ears ring. San visibly deflates and the way he speaks is in open contrast to how you just did.

“Would you keep trying?” you don’t remember the last time you heard him sound so small. Still, his eyes are so full of determination.

“Why would I?” you ask, defeated. It’s like a flip switches inside him.

“Because I love you! I still love you”

Time stops, and for a moment nothing exists but you and your racing heart. It’s going so fast you fear it might beat out of your chest, or that he might hear it. It’s so loud that it rings in your ears. A surprised gasp escapes your lips: you understood perfectly fine, you just can’t believe the words he just so desperately uttered.

“I’ve been in love with you longer than I can remember. I loved you when I thought I’d never get to tell you again. I loved you when loving you quietly and at a distance was all I could do, but it was alright as long as I got to love you”

“San…”

“I’m sorry for earlier. I’m sorry for these last couple of days. There’s no excuse, but I just…” he sighs, closing his eyes. You go to take another step, but all determination to do so dies when you see him produce a little velvet box from his pocket. Your breath hitches and a sigh of his name leaves you. “All I could think about leading up to this trip was our first anniversary. You remember how we joked about eloping in Las Vegas?”

It seems your tears won’t stop flowing. You can’t believe he remembers. It was such a small thing, it takes you a second to connect the dots. It was a comment thrown around, something you said to make him laugh. Though you remember thinking that if he’d asked, you would’ve said yes in a heartbeat.

“I’ve had this since then” hope sparks in your heart, though you’re not really sure you’re even breathing right now.

“San-”

“Don’t. I know this is so incredibly stupid, I don’t even know why I brought this with me-”

“Ask me” finally, finally he looks up at you and there’s no doubt in your mind. You still love him, you always have. You always will.

“What?”

“Choi San, ask me or I will” he’s blanking, frozen in his spot. So, you get down on one knee. His eyes widen and you hear sounds of protest. Suddenly it’s a race on who’s speaking first, both on your knees, face to face. You’re giggling like idiots, tears in your eyes.

“I thought that I could manage life without you” he starts, and you let him intertwine your fingers. “I thought we could go back to being happy without being in love. That we’d be better at a distance, but I was so wrong. The only thing that matters is that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be, and if you let me, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Fighting to make us work. I already made the mistake of giving you away once, I'll never make it again"

"Will you marry me?”

You waste no time in kissing him, big smiles barely making it a kiss, but you don’t care. You don’t care because San just asked you to marry him. Because he’s lifting you up and spinning you around and kissing you like he’ll die if he doesn’t. And for the first time in a while, you’re happy. So happy you could burst, laughing like you haven’t since you let him go.

“Do you think we should go get married?” he asks, swaying you around in his arms. You stare up at him, snorting.

“Maybe let’s wait till tomorrow, when our friends aren’t drunk off their faces, you know?” he chuckles, looking at you like you’re the only thing that could ever hold his attention. How could you ever convince yourself even for one second that you didn’t want to fight for him?

bonus:

Yunho’s slowly munching on a croissant, head resting on Mingi’s shoulder – who’s barely awake. You fear Wooyoung’s not even on your same astral plane right now, forehead against the table and hand gripping a coffee cup for dear life. Yeosang’s head is thrown back against the wall, he’s sipping slowly at his own coffee. It almost makes you think that you and San walking hand in hand could go unnoticed.

“Is that a ring?” you should’ve known Seonghwa’s sharp eyes wouldn’t miss it. After all, he’s the only one remotely awake. That, and he’s the only one not wearing sunglasses at the breakfast table. Lethargically, your friends’ faces emerge from behind the shades. Various sets of eyes squint in your direction as you come closer.

“Holy fuck you got back together” surprisingly, the voice is Wooyoung’s, though he sounds exactly like he just came back from the dead.

“Technically, we got engaged,” San points out. The words have barely left his mouth that suddenly his best friend is up and asking what, how, when, and why?! Eliciting various groans and shut the fuck ups.

“My birthday wish came true!” he throws himself at you both, squeezing you in a hug. Over his shoulder, you look at Yeosang. Despite his tired face, he smiles at you. So do the rest of your friends.

“Alright so, wedding tonight before we leave?” Wooyoung smirks all too enthusiastically, and you hear Seonghwa mumble as long as we drink juice, eliciting a round of quiet laughs.

697 notes · View notes

sihtricfedaraaahvicius · 1 year

Text

Note: request by @bubblyabs! thank you so much!! I hope you'll like it!

Warnings: SKMD SPOILERS. fluff/smut 18+, a lot of fourth wall breaking and my infamous attempt at humor.

pairing: SKMD!Sihtric x Modern!You (f)

summary: The fictional man of your dreams was suddely not so fictional anymore.

wordcount: 5,2k

'You looked really hot there.'

There you were again, wrapped in a blanket on your couch, ready to once again finish another binge rewatch of The Last Kingdom. You just couldn't stop yourself. Ever since you became obsessed with the show, you could watch nothing else. No other series appealed to you anymore, and you kept going back to the very first episode, pathetically anticipating the second season, because that's where your favourite character comes in; Sihtric Kjartansson. The man needs no introduction, if we're honest.

You don't know what exactly it is about him, but you were smitten. Each time he appeared on screen, you needed a glass of water and a cold shower afterwards.

You thought the actor who played him was cute too, you just couldn't really recall his name, you only remembered he had some complicated last name, Federsomething. However, cute or not, nothing was better than the rugged look of that pretty Danish rat boy in that medieval Netflix show. And so, only several weeks since your last rewatch, you were watching the movie again, which was the very last taste of the entire show you would ever get. Until they'll make some lousy remake in 10 years or something, which you would obviouslly not watch because you couldn't stand the thought of all those actors being replaced. Not on your watch.

Anyway, you had cried your absolute eyes out during the movie when you saw it the first time. But more importantly: whoever was responsible for Sihtric's haircut in the movie, was an actual blessing from the lord. Every time you saw his very first scene in that movie, where he walks up to Uhtred, with that long, loose hair, you simply just slide down your couch, being a whole hot mess. The things you would do to get that man in your bed, and the things you would do to him… oh, if only he wasn't fictional. You'd let him rail you, but alas.

And that made you groan each time. The most beautiful and perfect man you had ever seen was freaking fictional! It seems ridiculous, but Sihtric just ticked all your boxes.

He was funny, brave, loyal, adorable, hot, sexy, maybe not the smartest but you had no problem taking care of that man, he was good with weapons, he was protective and a real family man. What else could a you possibly want? You cursed Bernard Cornwell for coming up with the character and whoever casted that actor, as they are clearly responsible for you being forever single. Because you would never settle for anyone who was not Sihtric Kjartansson; fictional character and the goddamn love of your life.

And just like two weeks ago, you finished the movie and switched off your tv, while being a sobbing, snotty mess once again. Your three week holiday had just started, and your initial plan was to stay up late each night, but you had a headache from crying, so you decided to go to bed when it wasn't even close to midnight.

The next morning you woke up early because of some loud banging. You figured the toddlers of your upstairs neighbours were at it again, banging their fists on the wall, running through their apartment. You could hear their little gremlin claws stomp and scratch everywhere they went. But you had to admit, they were louder than usual today, and it actually sounded like they were kicking and stomping at your front door.

You groaned and got dressed for another day of simply doing nothing. You started your coffee machine and opened the door to your little hallway, which led through the front door. You hadn't checked for any mail downstairs in a few days, and it was time to leave your cave for that little adventure to the main hall of your apartment building.

But you would not get there, at least, not any time soon. No. You were about to get the biggest jump scare of your life, to which you would scream so loud, it would without a doubt wake up the entire city. And after that, everything would turn black in front of your eyes.

During your unconscious state you had the weirdest dream. You had opened the door to your hallway and found the cause of that weird banging noise. The noise came from your own apartment. The noise was created by a man, kicking at, and rattling your door, in a pathetic attempt to open it. And it wasn't just any man.

You recognised him from the back within a split second. It was the fictional man of your dreams, dressed in the red-brownish leather armour he wore when you last saw him on your tv, his hair braided and his face bloody and bewildered. You screamed so loud when you saw him, that someone probably called the cops, because it was a horrible, distressing sound. And it also scared the hell out of Sihtric, who turned to face you while reaching for the hilt of his sword as he stepped closer. But after a second, his expression changed from anger to astonishment, and he stared at you, all confused and wide-eyed. You stared into his mismatched eyes as he was merely two paces away from you.

'Lady?' he said, with the voice and accent that simply set your body on fire whenever you heard it.

And you randomly thought how Sihtric looked taller on tv than he did in real life, in your hallway, and then everything just turned black.

And it turned out that it wasn't a dream. But it all had actually happened before you passed out, in your hallway. Sihtric had been quick to catch your fall and caught you in his arms. While still completely confused, and in shock, he had carried you into your living room and carefully laid you down on your couch. And as it would take a good five minutes before you regained consciousness again, Sihtric took a quick look around your apartment, growing more confused and concerned with every passing second.

And you suddenly opened your eyes again as he had his back turned to you.

You blinked rapidly, your eyes trying to focus on the backside of the man in armour, which you recognised all too well. It hadn't been a dream, it all actually happened. And it was still happening apparently. How the fuck was this possible? Did someone prank you? Did someone pay a ridiculous amount of money to hire the actual actor, just to scare the shit out of you and to mess with you? Breaking your heart in the process as you could never be with the man of your dreams? What a sick joke.

While that medieval looking hunk stared at your family pictures, you quietly took your phone from your pocket and opened instagram. Your eyes grew wide when you saw that the actual actor, who you knew played Sihtric in the show, had posted a story just a minute ago, announcing that he was currently in some country, far away from yours, at a comic con.

'No way,' you whispered, 'but then who the fuck-', you looked back at Sihtric again, who had made his way over to your Last Kingdom book collection.

He stared at it, but as you couldn't see his face, you had no idea what he was doing because you remembered he shouldn't be able to read. You followed his movements with huge eyes, completely in shock, and without realising it, your phone slipped out of your hands and dropped on the floor with a loud thump. You spooked Sihtric, who slightly jumped, and was quick to turn around, again ready to draw his sword.

'Where am I?' he asked, trying to sound calm.

'W-what… uh, England?'

'England?'

'E-England,' you said again.

'What is the year, lady?'

'2024.'

'What?'

'No, sorry! Sorry, I- I mean 2023!'

Sihtric stared at you, and you thought if he wouldn't blink soon, his eyes would dry out.

'H-how did you get here?' you asked.

'How did you get here?' he asked cautiously.

'I… live here?' you frowned.

'Why?'

You blinked. 'Because… I… pay to live here?'

'Oh,' Sihtric said, then nodded, 'that seems fair. What is that?' he asked, pointing to your tv.

'It's a t- uhh,' you figured that if for some reason this really was Sihtric, the medieval dude from your favourite tv show, he would not know what a tv is, so for the sake of playing it safe, you lied, 'it's a… art.'

'Art?'

'Yes, like a drawing,' you panicked.

Sihtric looked at the tv, then back at you, and said, 'but it's all black?'

'Well, it's… modern… art? It's really expensive,' you said, hoping he would not try to break your tv for whatever reason.

'Expensive?'

'Yes,' you said, 'it's, uh, over a six hundred poun- pieces of silver.'

Sihtric looked back at your tv again, scratched his forehead, and then locked eyes with you again, 'Lady,' he snickered, 'I think someone has fooled you. That drawing is not worth that amount of silver.'

You smiled, simply agreeing, while anticipating his next move.

'Is that,' he squinted his eyes and walked over to your kitchen, 'Uhtred?' he frowned, looking at your coffee cup which had a picture of Uhtred's face on it, 'why?' Sihtric asked as he looked back at you.

'I, uhh…' were you going to tell him they didn't have a cup with his face on it, and that you had sent an angry email to the company? Maybe not. You cleared your throat, but before you could speak, Sihtric's eyes found the large framed poster of him, Finan and Uhtred on your wall. And his eyes grew wide.

'Where did you get that? Why am I… why are… wh-,' Sihtric stopped talking, then eventually said, 'who made this painting?'

'... Google?'

'Who is Google?'

'It's, well, so,' you stammered.

'You paid six hundred pieces of silver for this too?'

'Wha- no, more like…seven.'

'Seven hundred?' Sihtric gasped, 'lady,' he smiled, clearly flattered.

'No! I mean like seven pou- bloody pieces of silver!'

'Seven?' he frowned, suddenly offended, 'only seven? Yet you paid six hundred for that?' he pointed at your tv.

'Sihtric, look,' you sighed.

'How do you know my name?' he asked, frightened.

Okay. This had to stop, right now. What the fuck is going on?

You told Sihtric to shut up, a little harsher than you really meant, but so be it. You took his hands and sat him down on your couch. For some reason he kept holding your hands, which you obviously didn't mind, and you tried to explain how you knew who he was while desperately not trying to get distracted by his appearance. Those tattooed fingers, the tattoo on his neck, and all those scars. He was even more handsome in real life. If this was real life, of course.

'You… you have seen my life?' Sihtric frowned, 'on… the black painting?'

'Yes, it's called a tv. Here, I can show you,' you took the remote, and Sihtric gasped when he suddenly heard noise and saw moving images on the previously black screen.

'Sorcery,' he whispered with big eyes, squeezing your hand.

'No, not sorcery,' you said, remembering how awfully superstitious he was in season 3. And how cute he looked in season 3. Well, he was cute in every season.

'The… the people,' Sihtric suddenly said, 'are they s-stuck?'

'Stuck?'

'Are they stuck in the painting?' he asked, concerned.

'What? No… no, it's… oh god,' you sighed, 'the people are fine,' you smiled.

You quickly switched on Seven Kings Must Die, and you thought Sihtric was going to pass out. He jumped up when he saw Finan and Ingrith, near the beginning of the movie, in Uhtred's hall, your favourite scene, and he ran to the tv.

'Finan!' Sihtric yelled, 'is he stuck?' he looked back at you, worried, 'can he… can he hear me?'

Sihtric turned to the tv again and pressed his fingers against the screen.

'No! Don't touch the screen!' you yelled, worried he'd damage it with his rough fingers, and Sihtric was quick to pull his hand back with a flinch. And you felt horrible for making him flinch, but before you could apologise, Sihtric had composed himself again.

'But… F-Finan?' he asked, 'is he okay? Where is he?'

'Finan is fine! He's not stuck! This all already happened… right?' you grimaced, hoping you were right somehow.

Sihtric looked at you, confused, then back to the screen, and he stumbled backwards when he saw his own face appear on the magic painting. He watched the scene unfold, and he didn't know what to say, he just stared at the screen as he reached for your hand again.

'You looked really hot there,' you blurted out, and you felt yourself blush.

'Hot?' Sihtric frowned, 'I wasn't hot, lady. It was a cold night! Can't you see the furs?' he scoffed.

'No, I mean, you- … no, you're right. It must've been… really cold that day.'

'It was,' Sihtric said sternly, and looked back at the screen again, 'I remember this,' he gasped, 'Finan said he only fell asleep once,' he said, just seconds before Finan said the line on tv.

'See!' Sihtric gasped and looked at you again, 'he actually has fallen asleep many times, lady,' he grinned.

Holy fuck. You didn't even think about that. Sihtric obviously knew everything that had happened, the whole story, not just the bits and pieces you saw from their lives on tv.

'H-has he?' you asked, cautiously.

'Yes, lady,' Sihtric said, 'it often happened because he had too much ale the night before. And because he's old,' he winked with a grin.

'Oh,' you snickered, 'I see. And… you never fell asleep?'

'Me? no, never,' he said with confidence.

'Are you sure?'

'Yes, lady.'

You hummed and skipped to the scene where both Finan and Sihtric had fallen asleep, while Uhtred was awake.

'So…' you smiled, pointing at the tv.

Sihtric gasped, 'No, that… see! See, I'm awake. I was merely resting my eyes, I was… in deep thought,' he lied.

'Okay,' you laughed, 'if you say so.'

You watched Sihtric's face, which went from mildly ashamed to a light chuckle, and soon he laughed softly along with you. He still had no idea how it was possible that he could see his own face on your expensive painting, but Sihtric was a simple guy; he saw a pretty lady and he was smitten, not caring about much else anymore, except for winning your heart. He clearly didn't know you were basically ready to marry him on the spot. And for some reason you both just seemed to accept the situation, no questions asked. You watched the rest of the movie together, and it was surreal. Sihtric remembered everything, told you little anecdotes and simply seemed to enjoy seeing his friends on your screen.

'So… did Uhtred die?' you asked when the end credits were shown on screen.

'Uhtred died?!' Sihtric gasped.

'What? No, I mean, I'm asking you!'

'Uhtred was alive when I last saw him!' Sihtric said, and so you found out Sihtric had ended up in your world only hours after that heartbreaking last scene in the movie.

'Okay, then I'm sure he's, uh, fine,' you tried to convince yourself as much as you tried to convince Sihtric. 'Also,' you cleared your throat, 'what happened to your wife and kids?'

'Oh,' he said, 'we had a rough divorce. She broke my heart and took the kids,' he shrugged.

'Oh,' you blinked, surprised, 'I'm… sorry?'

'Are you married?' Sihtric blurted out.

'Uh, me?' you chuckled, twirling your hair, looking the handsome Dane up and down, 'n-no, I'm not. Why?' you kicked your feet.

Sihtric stared at you, he just couldn't believe his luck after being strangely teleported into a different year and world, ending up with a beautiful lady who wasn't married. But then he thought that was odd, because why weren't you married yet? A pretty lady who was clearly rich, at least that's what he thought, who lived in a nice home, was of marriage age, who was also very kind and funny, and with a body which he would undoubtedly be thinking of later that night. Why has no one married you yet, he wondered.

'Are you cursed?' he said without thinking.

'What?'

'Cursed,' he said again, 'you're not married. Why?'

'Uh, well,' you cleared your throat, 'I'm… picky.'

Sure, picky. You were simply in love with the medieval, fictional man on your couch, and you would never settle for anything less.

'Picky?' Sihtric frowned.

'Yes,' you replied, 'only a certain kind of man could win my heart,' you grinned, mindlessly twirling your hair around your fingers again.

'Oh?' Sihtric raised an eyebrow and smirked, clearly intrigued.

And he thought of it as a game now, a game he desperately wanted to play, because he wanted to know if he could win. And gods, how he wanted to win you and take you back home with him. Or stay here with you, he really didn't care, not after you just batted your eyelashes at him. No, he would do everything for you now.

'So,' he cleared his throat, shifting a little closer next to you on the couch, 'what kind of man would that be?'

'Hm,' you hummed, thinking as if you weren't looking at that specific man, 'a man who is… kind,' you said, 'loyal and brave,' you smiled at him.

Sihtric hummed and licked his lips as he gave you a playful look. He knew he was kind, loyal and brave, so he figured his chances with you were pretty good right now.

'And… someone who is not afraid to take charge,' you teased, seeing if he's willing to take the bait.

Sihtric grinned and slightly adjusted his position.

'He also has to be protective,' you said, 'and strong,' your eyes trailed down to his clothed biceps, knowing very well what's underneath all of that fabric he was wearing.

'Well,' Sihtric smiled, a little cocky, 'I might just be the man for you then.'

'You think so? I'm not sure…,' you played it cool, but inside you were going stark raving mad, this surely had to be a dream.

'I think I am,' he gave you a smirk and winked.

You were absolutely ready to pull that man in your bed, but it was only noon, you had just met him a few hours ago, and everything was just really freaking weird. So you held back. You told him you'd think about it, to which he frowned, playfully offended. You bickered a little and eventually ended up discussing what on earth you two were going to do now. He had nowhere to go, and you didn't want to kick him out, but he was still a stranger. Even though he had lived in your head rent free for years already. You told him first things first; he had to get into different clothes. Which he agreed to. You did some digging and found some sweatpants you had bought online years ago, which turned out way too big for you, and you had forgotten to return it, which came in handy now. Unfortunately, the sweatpants were pastel pink, and Sihtric clenched his jaw, exhaling sharply as he grabbed them out of your hands. You snorted, and to make it worse, the only thing you owned which he would possibly fit in, was a matching sleeveless crop top.

'No,' Sihtric said sternly, looking at the top you held in your hands.

'Guess you're not brave enough for me then,' you taunted.

Sihtric huffed and snatched the shirt out of your hands. You pointed him towards your bathroom, where he stayed for quite a while, simply admiring every foreign object before he even thought of changing clothes. And when he finally walked out, you thought you were going to pass out again.

He had untangled his previously braided hair, wearing it down now, which you loved so much, all while wearing that sleeveless crop top, which barely covered half of his insanely toned upper body. And the matching sweatpants hung on his hips, low enough to reveal he wasn't wearing any underwear, which made sense, as you had no underwear that would possibly fit him.

He raked his fingers through his hair, exposing even more of his trained torso when he did, and every single filthy thought you ever had about that man crossed your mind at once. You desperately tried to shake your thoughts and took him back into your living room, where you sat down and simply talked. He wanted to know all about you, and even though he didn't understand a lot of the things you mentioned, he knew he was going to marry you. Somehow.

Later you made him dinner and as promised, Sihtric slept on the couch. And you had to fight the desperate urge to find him in the night and lure him into your bed, which Sihtric would have gladly allowed to happen.

A few days passed and Sihtric seemed to adapt decently. He was not as dumb as Uhtred and Finan always made him seem, but he was definitely as clumsy as expected. Knocking over drinks, breaking small objects which he wanted to look at but his hands were too rough, things like that. But you couldn't give a shit, you were madly in love with him, and you couldn't wait for him to break you-... your bed.

Sihtric was very flirty too, and loved brushing his fingers over your face, arms, or well, anywhere he could really, whenever he could. But he was also a true gentleman, and slept on your couch each night, for nearly a week.

One evening he asked if he could see one of those Last Kingdom episodes you had talked about, and you agreed.

It was still unreal to watch an episode with the one and only Sihtric Kjartansson next to you, and it still felt like a dream. You switched on a random episode, and it happened to be the one where his father, Kjartan, ends up getting killed. At first Sihtric had been watching in awe, amazed that he could relive parts of his life like that.

But when he realised where it was going, his face became more and more deprived of emotions. You noticed it quite late and wanted to switch the tv off once you saw it, just before Kjartan got killed, but Sihtric stopped you by taking your hand in his. And he held your hand tightly as he watched the scene unfold. He showed no emotion, which told you he was more or less at peace with it, but it still was a rough moment to sit through.

When the episode was over, Sihtric looked at you, and you could finally do what you had always wanted to do after seeing Sihtric in that terrible scene; you pulled him in your arms and held him tight.

'Are you okay?' you asked after a moment.

'Yeah,' he said quietly, enjoying the feeling of having his arms around you.

He softly hummed as you brushed your fingers through his long, wavy hair, which was simply another dream come true, and he held you tightly for a long time.

'Can I stay with you?' Sihtric suddenly asked a few evenings later as you had just watched another episode.

'What?' you asked.

'Can I stay here? With you? I mean… I- I like you. I like being here,' he said, 'and, unless we find out how I got here, I have nowhere to go.'

'Y-you want to stay here? With me?' you frowned.

Sihtric wasn't wrong, he truly had no place to go and you also still had no idea how on earth he had gotten here, which you both quickly stopped questioning as it drove you mad. And naturally you wanted him to stay, but it would be a hard thing to explain to your friends and family, who knew all about your (unhealthy) love for Sihtric, who was, until last week, non-existent in the real world.

'I'd like to stay,' Sihtric smiled sweetly at you, 'with you, lady.'

And you just couldn't resist him anymore. With his long, wavy hair, those mismatched eyes, that smile, and the pink crop top he kept wearing once he realised you liked it on him. He did swap the pastel sweatpants for a black one, after you had bought it for him a few days ago. He was simply the most mesmerising man you had ever seen, and before you knew it, your lips crashed together into a heated kiss. And you tore each other's clothes off as fast as you could. You've been waiting years for this dream to become a reality, and you absolutely would live your fantasy to the fullest right now.

Sihtric seemed just as desperate as you, but before he pulled your panties down, you ran to your bedroom. He was still a medieval man, who knows what he caught in those days and you wanted to limit the risk of catching something as much as you could, and also you did not want a baby, yet, so you grabbed a condom. Sihtric frowned at the package, and you quickly understood he had never seen such a thing. You chuckled a little awkwardly and opened the package.

'It's protection,' you explained, but you didn't want to spook him by talking about STDs, knowing he would probably think it's a curse, so you simply said, 'it's so you don't put a child- I mean, pup in my belly,' you frowned a little as you said the ancient words.

'You do not want my pups?' Sihtric asked, and he almost sounded hurt.

'N… I… well,' you cleared your throat, 'not yet,' you admitted.

Sihtric started to ramble and question you, and you politely asked him to stop talking. You asked if he was okay with everything, to which he then nodded with a smirk, and he allowed you to put the condom on him. And the low hums he let out when you did so, were enough to turn your insides into jelly, and the pressure between your thighs was immense and unbearable. And as you wanted to take your hands off him, he quickly held onto your arm, keeping your hand in place.

'Please,' Sihtric said with big, darkened eyes and a sly smile.

And you understood he seemed to like the feeling of your hand working his length. You had to admit, all those fanfic writers did not lie about his size; you had nothing to complain about here. God, the way you enjoyed having this man on your couch, completely naked, except for the Mjölnir pendant around his neck, with his head thrown back as he smiled while soft moans escaped his slightly parted lips, enjoying the way you made him feel. And it didn't take long before Sihtric came, and the sound of his low groan was pure bliss to your ears, and even more arousing than you already had expected it to be.

After a short moment, Sihtric was quick to push you up and make you sit back against the couch. He kneeled down in front of you, on the floor, and he carefully spread your legs with a smirk. He threw one leg over his broad shoulder, and before you could grasp that your wildest fantasy was coming true, his face was already buried between your thighs. He nipped your sensitive skin with his lips before he softly kissed your wet folds, followed by running his tongue over your core, making you exhale sharply as your hands found his hair. Your body trembled in no time as he sucked, kissed and licked your clit, as if you were the most delicious thing he had ever tasted in his life. And just like Sihtric, it didn't take long before you came with a desperate moan, pulling his hair to which he groaned.

You both ended up laughing softly as Sihtric sat back next to you, giving you some time to recover, while you both realised how insane this was. But in less than a minute he already took your face in his hands and pulled you closer, wanting to kiss you like there was no tomorrow. And as soon as you felt like you could take him again, you climbed on his lap, to which Sihtric smirked. He watched you with half open eyes as he bit down on his lip. His hands settled on your hips while yours found support by holding onto his muscular shoulders. His body was even more impressive than you imagined, and you cursed Netflix for never giving the audience a shirtless Sihtric scene.

And then you finally sank down on his cock, you both gasped at the feeling, hands desperately squeezing and scratching each other to display pleasure. And Sihtric was vocal, moaning and cursing with a smile as he enjoyed the way you were riding him, his eyes fixated on you, darting between your eyes, your lips, your breasts and down to your core, loving the view of how you took his length.

'Gods,' he moaned, out of breath, and then he hummed with a light chuckle.

'Fuck,' you muttered under your breath, digging your nails in his shoulders as you tried your hardest to not finish right there and then.

'Hm, I want to fill you up,' Sihtric whispered with ragged breath, and your attempt to not finish before him was to no avail, as his words were enough to make you cry out his name while your walls clenched around his throbbing cock.

'Fuck, sorry,' you said, panting, riding out your own high while feeling a little embarrassed you finished so fast.

But to your surprise, and pleasure, you felt Sihtric's grip on your hips tighten up and he let out another hard, deep groan as he threw his head back, finishing only moments after you, just as he had hoped he would. You both tried to catch your breath as you embraced each other for a little while. Then you took a shower together and dressed in some comfy clothes. You grabbed a few drinks and some snacks, and made your way into your bedroom, telling Sihtric to come with you. And on your bed, you'd talk and joke around for hours, if you weren't too busy kissing each other or cuddling that is.

'If you had the chance,' you asked, hours later, as Sihtric held you in his arms, 'would you go back home?'

'Only if you'd go back with me,' he said, without any hesitation or doubt, and he squeezed you a little tighter against his chest, 'but if you wish to stay here, then I will stay here, even if I could go back.'

'Why?' you asked, surprised but happy to hear his answer, and you felt a little emotional all of the sudden.

'Because,' Sihtric smiled, moving up a little to look into your eyes, 'because I like you,' he lovingly brushed his fingers over your cheek, 'I have lived my life there, back home,' he said, 'there's not much there for me anymore. I would rather stay here and have you, have someone to take care of and to provide for, then going back without you and just… feel alone again at night.'

'I love you,' you suddenly blurted out.

Sihtric's jaw dropped slightly as he looked at you with big eyes, and then he smiled softly, 'I love you too,' he said, 'and I just want to be wherever you are.'

'Sihtric,' you whispered, cupping his cheeks as you stared into the warrior's vulnerable eyes, 'I will simply follow you anywhere you decide to go.'

taglist: @clairacassidy @finanmoghra @uunotheangel @hb8301 @bathedinheat @neonhairspray @anaeve @bubblyabs @travelingmypassion @sylas-the-grim @bubbles-for-all-of-us @andakth @bel-bottoms @willowbrookesblog @lady-targaryens-world @skyofficialxx @diosademuerte @elle4404 @alexagirlie @sweetxime @solango @gemini-mama @cheyennep3107 @little-diable @jennifer0305

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roseofhybrids · 2 months

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i put a microphone near your face

how are you feeling after that md stuff huh

Well, the fact that it'll be the end of the series makes it a bit bittersweet, but it had to end at some point. If the story can be told in 8 episodes then so be it. 8 is a lot more than what I had a little over a year ago when I first decided to watch it

I've been invested in quite a few projects that I've never seen get a conclusion to (mostly webcomics, so so many unfinished webcomics). Which is probably where I got the patience to wait as long as I do for these sorts of things. It's easy to wait a few months for an episode to air after waiting multiple years for things that never came to be

Having an ending is much better than the limbo of always being stuck somewhere in the middle, just being left to wonder forever what was meant to happen. So I'm overjoyed that we'll get to see this story get a proper ending

But it is still bittersweet. The show will end, and for a lot of people that means the fandom ending too. I don't believe that's the case, no matter how old something is or how long it's been over for, I see no reason to stop getting as invested as one does with a brand-new piece of media. But still, not everyone can stick around forever. So I'm preparing myself for people to move on. It's sad, but as inevitable as the show itself ending. No matter how long-lasting a fandom, members will move on to other things eventually. Personally, I don't see myself stopping the fan art any time soon. I've never had a reaction to a show like this before. I've gotten really invested in things the same way before, but all those instances it eventually died down after a few weeks and I could stop binge-watching/reading the thing over and over and just be normal about it.

Murder Drones on the other hand. It's been well over a year at this point. I managed to pull my shit together after two weeks like I usually do, but a fraction of the intensity lingered. Now I'm here, with 109 post tagged "murder drones fanart" and 623 just tagged "murder drones" according to the Tumblr archive

I still get giddy rewatching the episodes, still have a long ever-growing list of drawing ideas, still think about the little robots on a daily basis. So yeah, I think I might just be stuck like this the same way I'm stuck forever liking animals, ghosts, and roller coasters. Eventually I'll have to get back to drawing my own characters and one day make my own comics and such. But as things stand, I can see myself still drawing MD art for years. One can only hope I can balance the two out

So yeah, how I'm feeling, Excitement for another episode and finally seeing how this all ends. Dread for the inevitable change, not looking forward to that part, (the joys of living with an anxiety disorder am I right fellas? c'est la vie, c'est la mort) and just a touch of nausea, because this is a lot of excitement after just waking up

so anyhow, gunna go watch the trailer on repeat a couple times and then see if I can't calm myself down a bit afterward

#murder drones #624 now #murder drones episode 8

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silverfoxstole · 4 months

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Bears, bears, bears! Bears everywhere! And Doctor Who bears at that, made specially for and presented by me to Paul McGann, Sophie Aldred and Sylvester McCoy at Portsmouth Comic Con.

As most of you probably know, I document my bear-making activities on here and I made an Eighth Doctor bear a couple of years ago, followed by a Seventh Doctor last summer. Ace was a new one, and because of that I ended up making two, the first as a prototype that I kept for myself, working out the details of the costume, particularly the jacket, and the second for Sophie.

Back in February when I decided to make Anne Bearleyn I found that my usual type of fur was unavailable so I had to go looking for another, ending up with something that while it looked lovely was fairly hellish to sew as it shed everywhere. It was all I had when it came to making the first Ace bear, however, and so I went with that. Afterwards, having got covered in fluff again, I tried to find something similar to the fur I’d used for most of my previous bears, but when it arrived and I started putting one together decided that when compared to the bear I’d just made it looked cheap and nasty, which was definitely not what I wanted for this particular project. Consequently that fabric went on a one way trip to the bin and I ordered more of the other stuff, resulting in what I’ve termed a ‘furpocalypse’ when I decided to cut and sew three more bears in one day:

I had to vacuum both the room and myself four times, and clean out the sewing machine twice! That fluff gets everywhere, even up your nose! It was worth it in the end, though, as the result looks so nice. As the pile is quite thick I had to glue on the noses and use felt for eyebrows as thread just vanishes, but I think that actually looks better and allows for more expression.

I made a second set of Ace clothes while I was waiting for the fur to arrive; the first jacket had been a bit too small and I’d only had satin to use for the lining which disintegrates as it’s sewn, not something I wanted to give someone as a gift. It was a painstaking job to replicate the badges and decoration on the jacket with felt and embroidery thread, but I was pleased with how it turned out:

The costume is based on one from Remembrance of the Daleks, the skirt and t-shirt made from jersey and the decorations on the latter also of felt. She has a plait, rucksack and baseball bat, as well as a nitro 9 canister in her hand/paw (which I actually swapped out for a better one on Friday but didn’t take any pictures of it). The nitro is attached with velcro and can be exchanged for the bat. My only tiny niggle is that I made the jacket lining the wrong colour, only realising it should be orange when I started rewatching Sophie’s episodes last week, but that’s just my perfectionist side at work and her new owner didn’t mind.

“Aaaaaace!” You can see my original Seventh Doctor bear here; I changed a few things working on the new one, this time using blue eyes and making the jacket in cream rather than brown, mainly as a contrast with the darker fur but also so he would match season 25 Ace. I decided to use red paisley for scarf, tie, hatband and handkerchief, adding a red trim to the last two. The jumper once again took a couple of hours’ work, and as this was a present for Sylvester this time I did embroider question marks and chevrons all the way round!

For the umbrella I cut out several long triangles and stitched them together in imitation of a real brolly, using a bit of a skewer covered in felt for the pole (that’s not the word but I can’t think what to call the middle of a umbrella for the life of me!), to which I attached some jewellery wire pinched from my sister (shh!) twisted into the shape of a question mark. That was then covered in yet more felt. I’ve made a lot of things from felt lately!

And voila: one finished Seventh Doc bear:

I do hope Sylvester spots that he even has spoons in his pocket. 😁

Last but not least, we have Eighth Doctor bear, which I actually started first but I didn’t have enough fabric for his coat so he had to sit and wait while I worked on the others. My original is here; he’s gone through a few costume tweaks as I’ve tried to improve on things and this time I mainly used scraps left over from my own cosplay and made them up in the same way: shirt, scarf, waistcoat, belt and gailters are all the same as mine, and the coat is identical material but from a different source.

His shirt and waistcoat both fasten with buttons, and I made the watch chain and belt buckle from embroidery thread. It took several attempts to get the boots and gaiters right, and I went from having quite a large piece of faux leather to something about a quarter of the size, most of it ending up in the bin! Unlike my Eight bear he has a sonic screwdriver, made from - yes, you guessed it! - felt. Fortunately the TVM sonic is quite a simple design, unlike the other one I made which can be swapped with this one to go with the Dark Eyes outfit I ran up on an impulse because I had scraps left from my own jacket and put in the bag with him; hopefully Paul will find it as that DE sonic took me two attempts to get (somewhat) right!

I changed the shape of the lapels on this new coat so that they were more like the real one, and I also took some pics of him in his Dark Eyes gear:

I confess that he was the one I found it hardest to give up. Look at him:

And he matches me!

I had to keep telling myself that I couldn’t keep him, I’d made him for Paul, but it wasn’t easy!

Finally, a few pics of them together:

I was so, so pleased with the way these turned out. Along with Bush (about whom I’ll post separately), these are the best bears I’ve made so far, and I’m glad that Paul, Sophie and Sylvester were just as happy with them!

#long post #sorry #sfs’s adventures in sewing #my bears #doctor who bears #eight bear #seven bear #ace bear #doctor who #eighth doctor #8th doctor #seventh doctor #7th doctor #ace mcshane #paul mcgann #sylvester mccoy #sophie aldred #i do wish i’d been able to get some pics of them with the bears but never mind #maybe another time

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theangelwithawand · 10 months

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Because of Good Omens brain rot, I’ve been doing a Ninth/Tenth Doctor rewatch. And I was reminded of something I started to notice when I did my first ever rewatch.

The jokey attitude Rose has in the face of danger is a trait she shares with the Doctor, but it’s not something she picks up from him.

In Aliens of London/ World War III, Harriet chides her for making jokingly says something to the effect of how the Slitheen’s compression field works as a kind of weight loss program. This is the first time it’s ever been called out, but it’s not actually the first time she’s done it.

In the first episode, while the Doctor is explaining the living plastic she makes a wry comment about all of the breast implants coming to life. She’s only known the Doctor for a few hours at this point. It goes completely unremarked on, but it’s there.

She does it in the Empty Child when Jack catches her in his transmat beam. Her voice is literally shaking in this one, both from physical exertion and terror.

The thing is, I think it’s a coping mechanism. I think Rose has learned to bury her fear behind snarky remarks and jokes, one she probably picked up to deal with her life on the estates, to deal with being belittled, to deal with her abusive ex.

The first time I really came to this conclusion was while watching Tooth and Claw for the second time.

During the episode, Ten and Rose have this little bet running to see if she can get Queen Victoria to say her “we are not amused” line. Every time Rose does it, she is giggling.

Until she says it after the werewolf (this is a really strange episode even for DW…) attacks.

After taking a second to be relieved at being alive, her face kind of drops, her eyes widen and glaze over a little bit. The line “I bet you’re not amused” is rushed out of her mouth and significantly quieter than she was a minute ago. The delivery is uncharacteristically monotone until the little emphasis she puts on the end.

She does this weird almost-smile like she’s going to laugh even though she is patently not smiling. She does this small little head shake, her arms are tense.

It’s a really unsettling moment, and it was this performance by Billie Piper is what made me start thinking about this.

Queen Victoria yells at her, and Rose immediately apologizes, won’t even make eye contact with anyone. She curls in and turns away a bit.

This moment always bothered me and it took me a few watches to really articulate why.

Rose is scared.

I didn’t see it immediately because Rose displays fear in so many ways.

When she fears someone she cares about is going to leave her, (usually it’s the Doctor), Rose will lash out. This happens in Father’s Day, School Reunion, and Girl in the Fireplace. (The last one is so justified. She’s way more compassionate than I would’ve been at the end of that episode). She also does this Fear Her (when Nina Sosanya’s character continually refuses to watch her possessed daughter)

Other times, she’s able to turn her fear into action. She does this in her very first episode, the series 1 finale, the Cyberman two-parter, the Satan Pit two-parter, and earlier in Tooth and Claw.

Sometimes, she runs. In Christmas Invasion, she is facing a world-ending threat without the Doctor for the first time. She can’t do the heart of the Tardis trick again without ripping a hole in the universe.

Many times she’ll turn to the Doctor or her mother (who does her best but doesn’t always say the right thing)

But sometimes she makes a snarky comment or tells a joke to convince herself and maybe others that it will be okay.

She uses jokes for this specific reason to cheer up the Doctor in the Satan Pit.

Because Rose is compassionate. To Raffalo, to Gwenyth, to the Empty Child, to Jack. To Cassandra and Flora and Elton. She even tries to comfort Reinette, who is condescending towards her and who the Doctor repeatedly abandons her for because she regrets antagonizing Sarah Jane last episode. (I mean Sarah Jane was kind of mean too despite being a grown woman and Rose only being in her early twenties).

It’s the final confirmation the Doctor needs to realize she’s possessed on New Earth.

She will allow the Doctor to sacrifice her without question to save people and shows compassion to a Dalek both before she knows what it is and after it proves to be capable of changing.

She will drop everything for her mother despite whatever disagreements they have, will bend the universe to keep her father from dying alone.

She will literally sacrifice herself and stare into raw time to save the Doctor.

A lot of people think that Rose’s character in s2 is not as interesting. While that’s true, I think it’s more to do with the lack of interactions between her and Ten that aren’t about their romance. Nine and Rose have interactions that challenge each other’s morality. (Dalek, End of the World, Fathers Day, Unquiet Dead). On the rare occasions that Ten and Rose clash, it’s over jealousy brought on by Rose’s fear of being forgotten and Ten’s fear of committing, or feels like it’s in the shadow of his behavior with Reinette. Ironically, it’s their debate in Fear Her (a not great episode) that is one of the more interesting exchange of views that they have.

I wouldn’t completely agree that Rose loses her compassion in the second season. I think some of her more toxic pre-existing traits are just brought to the surface. And her protectiveness does become selfish.

But series 2 dumps a lot on Rose’s shoulders.

Ten’s weird hot and cold demeanor is probably emotionally taxing too. She has a lot of inferiority issues, probably because of how she’s been treated by her mother and others in her life. She frequently reiterates that she doesn’t matter. You can see how much it means to her when Nine earnestly admits she saved his life in response to her nervous teasing and posturing. And you can see how crushed she is when he calls her stupid in a moment of anger in Father’s day. (An event that is partially his fault because he didn’t explain the rules to Rose until afterwards) He immediately apologizes. (He does have that weird flirtation with Lynda but that is dropped just as abruptly as it starts).

The Tenth Doctor has this deeply frustrating set of episodes in series two where he is utterly awful to watch, and it’s after this that the relationship becomes the shallow, unhealthy, codependent one people remember. (I will expand on this in another post)

But it’s not even necessarily because of the Doctor that it’s hard for her. She says in Parting of the Ways that it wasn’t even the adventures she loved, it was him showing her a better way of life.

The adventures, the death, those are what wear her down the same way they wear down Ten.

She is, at one point, told by literal Satan that she is going to die imminently.

No matter how cheerful an episode begins, the loss always brings something melancholic out of Rose, but also someone desperate to hold onto the person she loves and carve out some sort of hope for a future. Impossible Planet does this really well with the little exchange about getting a mortgage. You can tell both of them find the idea appealing, or would if the Tardis was on call for the occasional weekend trip and weekly visit to Jackie. Because Ten likes Jackie, likes having a family.

Because deep down what these two want is each other and to rest. Not stop, they never could do that entirely. That’s why, I think TenToo works well in Empire of the Wolf (I don’t think it’s handled well in the actual show). Because they are still having new adventures with their daughter, just smaller ones.

So while Rose does have her flaws (selfishness, jealousy, a coping mechanism that is not always in the best taste). But she’s 19, she’s human. She’s allowed to and -as a character in a piece of media- should have flaws. I think they are what make a fundamentally brave and compassionate character feel like a real person. They make her more compelling.

(I want to do a later meta on Mickey, because Rose could’ve handled that better, but I also have issues with early Mickey. And it ties into some other stuff…so later meta.)

#doctor who #rose tyler #10th doctor #9th doctor #tenrose #timepetals #meta #doctor who meta

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unearthlytraveller · 1 month

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Babylon 5 Rewatch: Chrysalis

30 years ago, fans of B5 had to wait three months for the first season finale. I'm not willing to do that.

I'm going to break here, because if there is any episode from season 1 that should not be spoiled, it's this one. And I'm going to spoil it below.

I remembered this as the best episode of the season. And, it is. It's not even close. Everything the season has been putting into place comes together, and the world falls apart. That moment when Garibaldi manages to give that warning from sickbay, and the crew rush to warn about the assassination attempt... only to find they are too late. It still gives me chills all these years and rewatches later.

I was unsure how I was going to feel about this episode. Part of the reason for that is because I last watched this in 2010 or 2011. Back then, the idea of a return to fascism seemed laughable. Today... it does not. And I can't deny that real-world context changes things. It's hard to enjoy the sci-fi drama when it doesn't feel all that speculative. But there's a line Sinclair says that struck me.

"Just that I've had this feeling lately that we're standing at a crossroads, and I don't like where we're going. But there's still time to choose another path. You can be part of that process"

The first sentence I remembered from before. The second two... I did not. And as small as it seems, it actually made me feel more hopeful to hear it.

Another thing that struck me on this watch was Londo. Signs and Portents was his first step down the path to darkness; this is his second. And yet, he is genuinely shocked by the consequences of his actions; and we end with him keeping vigil with Ivanova. It won't last, of course, but it's a reminder that he's not an intrinsically or purely evil character; there is much good in him. That's why we like him, and why he is tragic despite all he will do.

G'Kar gets to really show the range of his character. He starts in strutting villain mode, and the scene were his latest sexual partners leave his quarters is one of the funnier moments of a generally dark episode. But as the episode progresses, we see his other side. He seems far less keen in his government's aggression when talking in his chambers; he immediately understands the implications of the attack on Quadrant 37; and in the shuttle scene, it is Na'Toth who speaks of retaliation while G'Kar offers Ivanova condolences and is more reflective.

Garibaldi has come under criticism in recent episodes for his actions, and justifiably so. So it's interesting that we start this episode with Petrov, who Garibaldi was apparently willing to help get a second chance. We also get to see both his investigative chops, figuring out the assassination plot... but also his blind spots. Or as Walker Smith said back in TKO,

"One of these days, Garibaldi, you're going to learn to watch your back."

Delenn starts a change that is in both the biggest and smallest of the ambassadors. I, of course, know what will come out of the titular chrysalis. And yet while the physical changes will be dramatic, Delenn as a person arguably changes the least among the main cast. A little something I've always found amusingly ironic.

Sinclair has a pretty rough time of it. He makes a pretty awful proposal, fails to save the president, fails to meet with Delenn and get the answers he wants... He gets the last line of the season, though, and it's a great one.

"Nothing's the same any more."

This is the season finale, and so we say goodbye to a lot of things. The last time that Mira Furlan will wear that specific make up as Delenn, for one. But we also say goodbye to Caitlin Brown's Na'Toth, Michael O'Hare's Sinclair, and Julia Nickson's Catherine Sakai. Some of these actors will make guest appearances, but even now I feel somewhat sad about these departures.

Caitlin Brown's decision not to return is understandable based on what I've read; that she only came on as a favour when the actress who played Ko'Dath developed an allergic reaction to the makeup, and would never normally be stuck in such a low-profile role. Still, I enjoy season one where her and Andreas Katsulas give such great presence to the Narn. I don't think they ever fully replaced her.

Michael O'Hare's departure is bigger, since he was the star of the show. And, of course, there was that scene in Babylon Squared. It's amazing that JMS made such a big deal about how B5 was planned in advance, and yet was able to handle this and still make a show with such compelling foreshadowing. Sure, there are places were things don't quite line up that the obsessive fan can see, but they're easy to overlook. As for O'Hare himself, I hope he acheived some respite from the mental illness that forced his departure before his tragic early death.

Least important to the show was the character of Cathering Sakai; Nickson only had three appearances this season, the last of which before Chrysalis was 16 episodes ago. I mostly just want to mention that, if you want to know her character's fate, read To Dream in the City of Sorrows. It's a good book; not great, not really able to stand by itself aside from the show, but certainly better than most of the tie-in novels.

With season 1 over, will I continue to season 2? Not immediately. The real-world connections will only get stronger, and I'm not ready for that right now. Later? Maybe; we'll see.

Finally, I've been adding my CCG cards, and let's do that one more time. What choice could there be, but this one:

#b5 rewatch #babylon 5 rewatch #chrysalis

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waitmyturtles · 4 months

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Wandee Goodday: I'm caught up and I love this show and here are my thoughts AND! (aka, In Which I Partly Ruminate On Golf Tanwarin's Thematic Overlaps Between Wandee Goodday and The Eclipse)

(Thanks to the homegirls @lurkingshan and @neuroticbookworm for catching me up on @bengiyo's wonderful meta round-up here!)

Through @bengiyo's round-up linked above, I *think* I'm caught up on what was going around the Wandee Goodday fandom last week; I myself, because of LIFE. EVENTS. fell behind two episodes, and only caught up with this generally fabulous show last night, and I wanna bust a couple words on it.

I surprised myself a couple weeks ago by having a touch of Wandee brainrot at week TWO, which is generally absurd, but I'm still stuck on the theme of medical observation and how that theme has permeated this show so far. More on this in a second.

Out of transparency, I also want to note that I'm coming off a close rewatch of Golf Tanwarin's The Eclipse for my Old GMMTV Challenge project, and not just because of LIFE. EVENTS., but also because of some deep thoughtfulness that has surprised and delayed me in my review of The Eclipse, I can't help but recognize that there's some thematic overlap between The Eclipse and Wandee that Golf's getting into -- a coincidence that I'm absolutely loving and screaming internally over.

(As an aside, I've been working forever on my Eclipse piece because I'm struggling with the meaning of having a huge debut branded ship in FirstKhao helming that show, and what that meant for GMMTV in 2022 and its BL future. I'm not feeling that same branded ship pressure here in Wandee, especially as Inn Sarin and Great Sapol were both separately established actors who joined GMMTV for this project, and the future of this ship is unknown at the moment. That's a part of the reason why I love Wandee -- I don't feel fandom pressure about the ship, per se, at this moment, but I might be missing hype on the tag.)

While the stories between The Eclipse and Wandee are clearly different -- the ways in which Golf offers commentary about internal and external homophobia, ESPECIALLY vis à vis macro-level interactions of micro-level humans in systems like boarding schools and hospitals/medical systems, is deeply thrilling for me. I admire Golf as a former politician, Thailand's first transgender member of parliament who was unceremoniously kicked out for economic concerns (and likely their affiliation with the Future Forward/Move Forward parties). As someone who's been around the way with smart politicians, I'm not surprised that this is a space in which Golf lives -- the space in which they explore how homophobia is expressed at macrosystemic and micro-emotional levels.

In The Eclipse, Golf explores:

social pressures to conform to hetero-social standards

the internal destruction that those pressures cause to individuals

how that internal destruction impacts the ways in which young high-school men interact with each other, and develop social and/or romantic bonds, and

how that internal destruction also impacts general social group dynamics, and how individuals police themselves and each other into conforming to the hetero-social standards dictated by the environment around them.

There are many, many issues with The Eclipse, but generally speaking, Golf weaves between the internal and external, the micro and the macro, in that show, cyclically, to depict very messed-up young men fumbling through their experiences of social conformity and love.

As I've been writing my Eclipse piece for my OGMMTVC, I have referred often to @bengiyo's FABULOUS post from the Our Skyy 2 x The Eclipse days, about how some of The Eclipse fandom was concerned for the stability of AkkAyan vis à vis their romance in OS2. As Ben writes, these fictional boys were messed TF up. It was natural, in OS2, to witness their continued fumbles as they still confirmed their love for each other. The conflation for "real" affection between First and Khao aside, this demand for clean-cut romance dominated the fandom discourse at the time of OS2, and it wasn't aligned with what I think Golf's messaging about the emotional states of the boys actually were.

We're certainly NOT THERE (YET) in Wandee Goodday by way of romance. We're squarely in the midst of Wandee's, Yak's, and Ter's very clear emotional and competitive fumbles. We're only at episode 4, and what we've gotten is just a tremendous amount of information about the internal and external struggles these very messed-up dudes have (and to confirm here, we know Ter is Satan/Dr. 666 Devil, we are literally told that, and I'm so thrilled for Podd to finally get the role he deserves, amirite @lurkingshan).

We are seeing similar social conformity pressures from The Eclipse to Wandee by way of the hospital setting -- long a globally misogynistic and highly pressurized environment that humans have played destructively in. Ter being an absolute ROACH with Dee's feelings is so apropos. (Oh, and Ter clearly not being committed to Kwan? That girl's gonna go AWF, I swear.)

We're seeing the same pressure by way of boxer Yak going public with his bisexuality, and taking an ENORRRRRMOUS risk in faking a relationship with Wandee, in front of titchy hospital staff who will likely narc Yak out to the media.

[I think this is a slip of the show, by the way. I don't think Yak is dumb enough to not recognize this risk despite his empathy to Dee, and I really wish the show would spend more time on the risks that Yak takes in showing public affection to Dee at the hospital. I think the show can actually take some time to explore the risk that Yak is taking, because it would simply illuminate the continued themes of homophobia and its ever-presence in the sports AND medical settings that Golf is exploring. (And separately, the meaning of having Yei and Cher helm the boxing gym means so much to me -- literally as a sports fan!)]

@bengiyo's meta round-up also nicely covers the meta out there about Dee and his very conflicted and hypocritical behavior. It's no duh that Dee only has one friend. The guy is a fucking ant. A very cute and sympathetic ant! But he's cute (and hawt), sympathetic, an ant, AND a jerk, someone who is driven to "win," both against Ter and Yak. Dee might be an ant BECAUSE of the impact of what was likely an intense and complicated medical education, as many a former medical resident around the world may relate to! That's a macro-level systemic reference that I wouldn't be surprised Golf would be making intentionally.

Both Wandee and Yak could and should be more accountable to themselves and to each other vis à vis their feelings and the very complicated pressures they both operate under.

They haven't gotten there in their intimacy yet because -- like Akk, Ayan, Kan, and Thua, they're fucking messed-up dudes dealing with homophobia at internal and external emotional levels due to the pressures of their homophobic macrosystemic environments in which they operate!

The social conformity pressures of the worlds in which Dee and Yak live are messing them up so fucking much that they're both acting like bumbling dillholes.

Is it DELIGHTFUL TO WATCH? OMG, YES! I'm obsessed! I LOVE THEM, YER HONOR.

I LOVE WATCHING COMPLICATED HUMAN BEINGS BE COMPLICATED. THIS SHIT IS COMPLICATED!!!!!

Fucking Dee stringing Yak along? YAK GOING ALONG WITH IT? Kickass Taem sees the necklace around Dee's clavicle and KNOWS what Yak's heart is actually doing/saying. Yak may even be "making up" this whole Situation with Taem to jealously win Dee over, maybe?, but we also know Yak actually is attracted to Taem, and so, fuck, THAT'S MESSY AND COMPLICATED, and also, oh so real! Fuck Dee, man! We've ALL BEEN STRUNG ALONG, hello song break, Dee, get it together, you jackass m'fer:

youtube

In other words, ha! People act like jerks when their micro- and macro-levels, their internals and externals, are out of sync and whack, and they don't have the emotional toolboxes to deal with it. There is so much mess-mess-MESSY-mess-mess, escalandos, poopy-woopy-shit all over the place in this show, and at least for right now, it's just delightful to watch it happen and unwind (as opposed to The Eclipse, when Akk's repeated stalking of Ayan just got a little tired after episodes 4 and 5, it was like, dude, Akk, if you're saying you don't like him, just stay the fuck away, on GOD. ANYWAY).

Who has the emotional tools to deal with this complicated-ness? Dr. Kao, Drakey-poo, Drizzy!

Dr. Kao, our OBSERVATIONAL asexual BFFFFFFFF, is shown, literally, helping dyads through their issues. He's addressing binaries on binaries -- a couple coming at sex from two different perspectives, and creating compromise between them.

I love, love, love this inclusion of this observational commentary. Kao is depicted at creating communication and compromise against a topic (sex) that he himself has a complicated relationship with. He is shown, professionally, keeping his shit out of the needs of his patients in order to help them with their medical goals.

Kao is practicing, in essence, a transcendence of sorts -- transcending his micro-personal issues with sex in his practice to help his patients achieve at least happiness, if not at least compromise and satisfaction, in their lives.

I appreciated seeing that the client couple in the show wasn't necessarily trying to "win" against each other. They just had different issues about sex that they were working on -- TOGETHER.

The competitive triad of Dee, Yak, and Ter is certainly not there yet. 666 Devil Ter will likely shake up any delicate balance that Dee and Yak MIGHT achieve. But Dee and Yak, a hopeful binary dyad that we are cheering for, are caught in all of their personal and professional competitions themselves, and are nowhere near transcendence at this moment.

The mess, right now, is making sense, within the script. Things can certainly go awry via the script, as my elder friend @bengiyo has warned me regarding Thai BLs these days. But as of right now, I'm finding this mess delightful, because it's VERY real, to me, against a standard of people acting like bumbling, intentional, and unintentional assholes, and living in worlds of emotional complications that are very difficult, in real life, to unwind from by way of macro-social pressures -- except with time, grace, patience, and eventual maturity.

#wandee goodday #wandee goodday the series #wandee goodday meta #wandee goodday the series meta #greatinn #great sapol #inn sarin #yakdee #deeyak #dee x yak #yak x dee #golf tanwarin #the eclipse #WHEW I HAD SHIT TO SAY!#I LOVE THIS SHOW #Youtube

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cloveroctobers · 3 months

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HAMMER TO THE HEART — THE FINAL CHAPTER: DANTE TORRES [Summer Writings]

A/N: We made it to the final part of this mini series that had no plans of being a series, which is still mind-blowing for me since I’ve nicknamed myself as “NeverWriteAPart2ESS.” 🤭 This is for the readers who asked if i had any more Dante on my list and here it is but I’m sure it won’t be the last! Thanks for all of your support. Also hope you have either a fun, safe, or chill holiday 💥 I originally had this planned to drop Saturday or Sunday but I’ve been in my writing bag lately so enjoy this (mostly) angst gift ✨

🏷️: @darqchilddaydreamz as always thanks for tuning in, I love reading your responses ❤️

S/N: Seraphina now has a face readers but ofc you’re always welcome to imagine whomever! + rewatched the last two episodes to refresh my noggin—I’m still new to PD and debating if I want to get into it from the beginning due to past ICKS so if some things are/have been inaccurate that’s why lol.

WARNINGS: language, tweaked the original plot just a little, light? discussion of deceased bodies, bodily injury, triggering flashbacks, & a LENGTHY read!

<- read part two here.

𓂃 ࿐ 𓂃࿐ 𓂃 ࿐ 𓂃࿐ 𓂃 ࿐ 𓂃࿐

There’s an unknown number that stands out on Dante’s phone screen. He came to the bar with Atwater and Ruzek, Ruzek briefly disappeared to the bathroom after telling Dante he was ready to kick his ass in some pool and Atwater struck up a conversation with a very flirtatious woman that Dante had to point out to him. It was funny how the taller man tried to get updates on what was going on with him and Seraphina but was being oblivious to the attractive woman that wanted his attention.

Dante’s sipping at his beer when he feels his phone vibrating. Shifting a bit he manages to pull the phone from his pocket, peering at it he swallows the alcholic beverage before swiping across the screen. “Hello?”

“Hey, man thanks for picking up! Uh, sorry to bother you.”

Dante turns his eyes into slits, picking up on the familiar voice, “…Manny? How’d you get my number?”

“Remember my dad who I mentioned weeks ago?”

How could Dante forget? That day on his thirty-first birthday has been on his mind since and after everything that went down, added more disdain for his “special,” day.

Dante felt his eye twitch, “The old cop?”

“Uh huh…I guess you guys still have some type of pull even if you’re retired.”

Dante rubs at his face, slightly irked. Resting his elbows onto the counter he exhales as he thinks about what he should do about this situation. Somehow he chose to brush that off for now and get back to the point of this call.

Dante presses, “…is there something you need?”

It’s not as loud on Manny’s side of the line besides the barking that he scolds before it’s quiet again compared to Dante’s but the buzzed haired cop is focused on nothing but the intent of this call right now. “it might not be anything but my last call with Phina-Mena ended kinda abruptly. And I’ve been trying to reach out to her since and it seems like the call keeps dropping? I was just wondering if you heard from her?”

Dante feels his jaw tighten at this, it hasn’t been easy for him to process that Seraphina’s been keeping this from him at all. Which of course added to the mountains of tension between the two and it’s actually been two weeks since his birthday. Once Voight realized that Dante had a deeper connection to Seraphina than what this case is and felt a way about him getting her involved, Voight made sure to carry out visits to the lab without him.

Which further pissed Dante off.

“You gave me shit about not only becoming a cop but kept giving me shit about the situation with Gloria…and you think it’s okay getting yourself involved in this kind of danger when you already stepped away from it?” Dante felt like his brows were touching, the aggravation burned through his veins as he tossed Seraphina’s front door shut behind him.

The short haired woman continues her walk to the back of her home, to the kitchen, “Nothing about this case is okay and I have valid reasons just like you do with your career and Gloria. I may not fully ever get that second half but it happened and it is what it is.”

Which was ironic to hear since Seraphina was the one who said that she was done taking things for what they were with Dante. Was this all to get back underneath his skin because honestly it felt like she was kinda trying him?

“Yeah somehow I don’t think you’re gonna be saying that if you get yourself killed.” Dante’s usual gentle tone feels like frostbite, making Seraphina freeze in her tracks right in the center of her kitchen.

Relaxing her shoulders she turns to face Dante. His doe eyes are wide and he looks as if he wants to start pacing the floor but Seraphina isn’t in the mood to soothe him, not when his attitude’s been ugly since she made herself comfortable down at the district.

“You’re worried, that’s fine.” Seraphina shrugs, “I can understand that but you’re acting as if Voight handed me a gun—

Dante scoffs, “He might as well have!”

Seraphina argues as if it was so simple, “Tay, I’m working on the chemical end, not the physical. That’s your guy’s area. What you all signed up for.”

It wasn’t only PD’s job. She allowed herself to get thrown back into the true forensics of things. The amount of bodies that ranged from young kids to teens months ago to current time—still children was insane. At first the cases Seraphina’s dealt with, didn’t seem connected to her until she found something in common with each of the youngest children, that high traces of Librium contributed to their death along with specific wounds that ultimately caused them to bleed out.

The darkness was falling and Seraphina did not seem like she was ready to dodge it.

“What we’re dealing with is a serial killer.” Dante states while the woman nods her head being full aware from what she’s seen and before what made headlines, “They’re smart and have been steps ahead of us lately. If they find out that someone else is onto them…then there’s no telling what they have up their sleeve next.”

Seraphina inhaled and exhaled, “Which is why we’re doing everything to catch them and why Voight brought me on. He knows I can help so why can’t you?”

Dante shakes his head, “I never said that. You’re outstanding at anything you do…I just can’t go through having you in harm’s way again.”

She gets close to him now, hand going to grab the side of his neck and he thinks she’s going to embrace him but she just brings her chin above his shoulder, making sure her lips are near his ear, “Well, that’s not up for you to decide.”

And she goes to exit the kitchen, forgetting her appetite but Dante’s not finished as he also whips around, stalking after her, ready to follow her all around the house to get his feelings out about the path Seraphina was throwing herself back into.

The battle was just beginning.

Dante ignores Manny’s question and decides to ask his own, “when was this?”

“Last night.” Manny answers, “l called to see what she thought about the lastest MasterChef episode and we were just about to get off the phone after she took the trash out but there was some…shuffling? I guess and then the call dropped.”

At that moment, Dante felt as if all the air was just punched out of lungs. His head drops and he’s rubbing at his face now, eyes clenched while trying to find some air to bring back into his body. “time.”

“Pardon?”

“What,” Dante tries to keep his tone leveled but his gut was telling him that something was wrong and his stomach’s been funny since he last left his person’s house two weeks ago, “What time did this happen last night?”

Manny blew out a breath, “It was late…some time after 10pm my time and 9 for you guys.”

“You said you heard scuffling—

“Shuffling,” Manny corrected, “but now that you mention it, maybe it was more of a scuffle.”

“Did you try to call back?”

“Course. What kind of guy would I be if I didn’t check on a lady to make sure she made it safely into her home?” Manny says if it Dante offended him but it’s not like he cared, “There was a text sent ten minutes later saying that she dropped her phone, cracked her screen and would probably have to take it to a repair shop or get a new one but I haven’t heard from her all day today and we usually send morning affirmation texts or checking in texts during the day…it’s after 9pm now and there’s still nada. White noise.”

Dante can see that Ruzek’s made his way back out of his peripheral view, “Alright, I’ll get back to you.”

“Great, keep me posted. You now have my number—

Dante ends the call.

When his eyes meet Ruzek’s, his smirk vanishes as Ruzek gets rid of the teasing that’s sitting on his tongue, watching Atwater trying to spit game once he takes in Dante’s facial expression.

“Dante, what’s up?”

Dante’s rapid blinking makes Ruzek further concerned as he lets the words slip from his lips, explaining, “We have to do a wellness check on Nina.”

And Adam doesn’t need to hear anymore, with Dante making his exit before getting on the phone again, leaving Ruzek to toss some money on the counter in thanks to the bartender and calls out to interrupt whatever Kevin and his potential love interest of the night had going on.

When the trio make it to Seraphina’s brick home, Dante only pauses for a short time, his eyes scanning all over the exterior that was basically his first safe space once she brought it and second home. Kevin and Adam both share a look on either side of Dante, tempted to ease his worries but they were loud enough as they stood beside him.

It was a silent conversation between Kevin and Adam, both eyes widening to push the other to say something first but soon they realized Dante whisking by them as he jogged up the steep steps. He stops at the front door and gives a quiet signal for one of the men to check around the back while Atwater chose to follow after Dante.

The door was closed shut but not locked and that was something she did not do. With a twist of the door followed by his foot, he pushes the door open and calls out, “Nina…are you home?”

The home doesn’t feel warmed by her spirit so his mind already told him what he needed to know. Atwater does the honors of going up the first set of stairs to the right while Dante is checking closets, scanning the living room and there’s a closed laptop sitting on the coffee table, before heading down the hall. He passes the second set of stairs, checks the half bathroom, and continues to the kitchen. The house looks as it should and there’s a carton of raspberry chocolate chip Talenti ice cream soaking in the sink, perhaps it’s something she forgot to toss into the trash being too wrapped up in a conversation with Manny…but it reminds Dante of a dark time back in July when they were kids.

That July where their scars got fresh ones.

There’s a snapping that irks Seraphina’s ears, a light so bright that shines against the skin of her closed eyelids. She can feel her neck beginning to ache right at the spinal cord, the weight being too much to bare as she struggles to get the pressure off. It takes time but the light that keeps flickering is supposed to be encouraging and it does get her to focus.

Leaning back against the hard chair, her eyes peel open but the one on the left feels tight and more than sore. Swollen. She tries to blink it away but that feeling is prominent and it makes the space above her brow experience a sensation that radiates to the center of her forehead, leaving her skull to throb. She had been hit with something when she turned away from her trash out back and now she was sitting face to face with the man the entire city was searching for.

“You don’t realize how fascinating you are.” He starts, “At first I thought my one more would only be Hank but then…I started watching you too.”

That unsettling feeling that sunk in was not pleasant. The woman winces as she feels the ties chaffing into her wrists and her ankles, “…this isn’t going to end well for you.”

“I could say the exact same to you.” The bearded man says, emotionless, “But I’ll do you a favor and let you get one last call.”

Seraphina huffs, knowing what that means but slowly let’s the determination kick in trying to buy herself some more time, “Did you really catch me off guard and hit me in the face?”

“It was a spur of the moment thing,” He answers honestly, “Like I said, you originally weren’t my target but I figured a two for one special wouldn’t hurt, much.”

Seraphina licks her dry lips, “tell me…are you married? Children? You should know, hitting women is a punk move but you got bigger problems than that. Kids? I hear the slammer doesn’t play with those that are kid killers.”

He scoffs out some laughter, “I won’t be there. I’ll be reborn, new by then and as for you…that’s to be determined. Are you a Phoenix or a scared duck hiding from the rainstorm like you’ve been doing over Dante?”

Seraphina clears her throat, “does that make you feel better? Speaking on things you think you know?”

He stands in front of the dark haired woman, hands clasped behind his back as he trailed his eyes all over her features, that alone made her skin crawl. It was as if he imagining all the ways to disfigure her face. There was a strong detachment in his eyes that would leave anyone shook.

“I think I know enough. I’ve watched all of you but the most intriguing happened to be: Hank, Hailey, Dante, and you.” He informs, “I needed Hank and I wanted you.”

“For what?” Seraphina quizzes.

He doesn’t miss a beat, “for new beginnings. We can’t take the easy way out but at least the comfort of a loved one in your final moments will make it seem that way. Which is why, you’re going to give me what I want and call.”

Seraphina shakes her head but stops as the pain follows her movements, “sounds like it’s more to give you a piece of mind. You think you provided all these people with peace as you tortured them for nothing?”

He has a cool blade underneath her chin so that their eyes are locked, “is anything really for nothing? Nothing is ever truly senseless. Look at yourself for an example. You’ve been here all your life, wishing on a star for Dante to love you back but maybe it’s a fever dream. Everything that you’ve been through, where you could have been, if only he took the romantic love you have for him serious—is all in your head.”

He’s squatting now, dry hands on Seraphina’s bare thighs. Her breathing hitches as the deranged man pulls the waistband of her Terry cloth shorts forward, “there it is.”

He’s in amazement and she wants nothing more than to spit in his face at him showing her vulnerability in this dark room.

Seraphina doesn’t look at him as he runs the point of the blade along her lengthy scar, “Stop touching me!”

She grits out but the killer can see that she was swallowing the rising tears down.

“Dante does love you beneath his own problems but he won’t allow it because he feels like he doesn’t deserve you. You know that. He chose someone else because that’s a life he’s known. You could have been a new life. Always have been which is why he keeps you close. He’s scared to have a life with you past friendship because of all of the things that happened when you were kids but most importantly he took a piece of life from you.”

The exposed air is cold against Seraphina’s old scar and she can feel her eyes burn; she just wanted this man to shut up and rot.

[July, 2009]

The horn from the opposite car is deafening.

A sixteen year old Dante is stunned on what he’s seeing. The classic mustang rammed into the back of Dante’s new low-rider, which was given to him by the exact man who decided to ram his car into the back of his. Dante’s leaning on his elbows on the hot gravel, trying to find his voice since his car was just totaled but that didn’t matter. What mattered was Seraphina happened to be in the passenger side eating her signature raspberry chocolate chip ice cream while he was outside of it, vibing to, “Forever,” by BBL Drizzy, Lil Wayne, Kanye West, and Eminem.

Although this was his first car through being involved with the gang, he took pride in it because he knew what he had to do to get it. He had to hide it up the street from his mother but she was no dummy, she sensed the change her in son the moment he returned the favor to his step-father, nearly beating the man to death. He looked up to, “Sad Eyes,” as almost an older brother with methods that gave him the potential to be a powerful man. However he wasn’t sure what this method was? And he scrambled to his feet as he heard the creaking of Sad Eyes’ car, he fell onto his shoulder out of the car, his eyes settling on Dante as he lay on his side.

“Why?! What was this for?!” Dante called out to him.

Sad Eyes just blinked as he spluttered around the blood that escaped his mouth, “Good Luck.” Were his final words.

Dante didn’t have time to process that right now as he circled around the car. His hands go right through the rolled down window to press a shaky hand into Seraphina’s pulse point. It’s moving but it’s too slow. She’s not conscious but the horrors were already settling in as Dante’s green hues followed the path of the crushed car and the iron fence that pierced through her abdomen.

There was blood everywhere. Dripping from the iron fence while pooling into the lap of her white jeans. His heart was hammering against his chest at the sight, she looked dead and that alone felt unbearable. He snapped out of it, hands moving to the handle of the door trying to pull it open but it was obviously jammed shut.

The sirens were squealing through the summer air in the distance and Dante just knew there had to be some sort of motive. There always was with this gang. Carefully he leaned into the window, pressing a kiss to her temple, breathing her in as he whispers, “I’m sorry, Nina.”

That wouldn’t be the last of his apologies. He went into hiding around the empty parking lot, just to make sure that the firefighters got her out and the paramedics got her into the ambulance. Dante was aware that the police would start searching the area but he couldn’t just fully leave his best friend behind. Not when their relationship shifted weeks prior.

Sure he’s thought about it, asking Seraphina to be his girl but he let the members of the gang get into his head. He only told the other youngest member of the gang, who went and ran his mouth to the main two in command: Sad Eyes and Joker about it. Rico aways had diarrhea of the mouth and sometimes Dante felt bad at how hard everyone was on him, until Rico told his business with Seraphina.

A meaningful intimate night that they all clowned him for. That she wasn’t anything different or even special because she didn’t choose to get passed around by them. Seraphina didn’t even want to be around the gang after they disrespected her, especially with most of the members being much older than the both of them. She would never be just some, “bitch,” and they told Dante that he would find plenty more along the way in this life. That did not sit right with Dante so he cut his time short with them that day (plus some days after that but they always came to him when he didn’t want to bothered) and gave Rico a nice busted lip on his way home. He felt bad about it later since the fourteen year old struggled to find his place in the gang and just wanted to be part of something but in that moment? A sixteen year old Dante stood on business, which the gang got another laugh at.

When Dante and his mother, Catalina made it to the hospital Seraphina’s father was just finishing talking to the doctor. It had been hours since Dante watched them take Seraphina away. He waited for his mother to get home from work, keeping his gun nearby just in case any other members dared came to his door, telling her what happened and she didn’t bother putting her things down. She waved him along, mind racing with a million and one thoughts as they left their home to catch the bus to the hospital.

Catalina prayed the entire way, rosary held in both her and Dante’s hands but the younger boy kept his eyes on the city lights that blurred by.

He couldn’t lose Seraphina.

“You piece of shit!” The boulder of a man hissed while yanking Dante up by the collar, “I told her to stay about from you countless of times but she continues to be hardheaded—must of been something you taught her. You bring nothing but poison, you started this. I know you convinced her to hide those pills that got my wife caught out. I know my daughter.”

Dante was breathing hard but out of anger, “you think you do, sir. You think you have the answers to everything but you don’t. You’re the definition of neglect. You neglected your wife when anybody can take one look at her and see that she was about to lose her shit. And Seraphina? The only time you paid attention to her is when you’re looking to point the finger for your miserable life. Tell me, do you really think I’m the only piece of shit here when you tried to drown your so called daughter the night they took Mrs. Coty away?”

“Dante!” His mother’s voice cuts through, knowing her son crossed a line but she never appreciated the way Mr. Coty spoke of her son, and she also wasn’t aware of what he did to Seraphina.

Her hand was resting right on Mr. Coty’s bicep tightly and she noticed the nurses looking, hands probably waiting on the phone to call security to throw them out. Seraphina didn’t need to be alone like this, this much Catalina knew and just needed these two to put their egos aside for the sake of Seraphina.

Mr. Coty huffed as he shoved Dante against the wall one last time, his head hitting the wall as he tells him, “You think you’re so much better? You’ve done nothing but break her and that’s all you’ll ever be, a scared little boy that brings nothing but damage. You think you saved your mother by beating that coward of a man down? You only ended up hurting her just as much and as for my daughter? Two broken ribs, neck sprain, and that fence went right through her pelvis. Do you know what that means? There’s a high chance that she’ll never be able to create life in the future and sure she won’t have to worry about that now but you’ll always be the reminder of what you took from her. That’s all you are, a good for nothing taker. So you remember that when you want to shit on my parenting skills.”

And Mr. Coty fixes Dante’s shirt, condescendingly patting his cheek as he stalked off in the opposite direction of where Seraphina lay. A sixteen year old Dante thought about many things in that moment, one of those being the act of swinging on the older man, there was a familiar look in his eyes that his mother saw so she sat beside him on the floor and brought him into her chest while he clenched his fists, holding back tears.

There was a time back when Dante was in the academy, where he and Seraphina slipped up back in their early twenties. The age of sixteen was the first time but as they grew, it happened again. She slipped into a bookstore while Dante was eyeing a new boba shop that was across the street. He had a tough day the day before and agreed to hang out that Saturday to get his mind off it. Dante knew that he had what it takes but the instructor was a Grade-A asshole and that only pushed him even harder. He easily pinned out what type of cop he would be dealing with and heard the gossip, so he showed his ass just exactly what he was capable of.

It did get tiring and he was exhausted but wanted to be around Seraphina to ease his mind. Seraphina stood across the street, a bright smile on her lips as she had a tote bag full of new purchases that her bank account would give her shit for later when she went over her finances like she commonly did every reset Sunday. She didn’t like what she saw, another woman, with bright copper hair, clearly flirting and being too close to Dante for her liking.

Did she not see that he had two drinks in his hand? It wasn’t Dante’s fault, he was a single good looking man and could do whatever he wanted. Seraphina just messed up her previous date that Seán set her up with because she was too hung up on Dante. It was ridiculous considering that they weren’t children anymore but constantly bringing him up to other contenders was a red flag. She saw that, had to understand how that was off putting because she wouldn’t put up with it herself honestly.

So she took the risk, not wanting anyone else to have Dante as they got into an argument over her shift in moods after their outing uptown. She walked right up to him, grasping his face and planted one right on him. He wasn’t expecting that as he pulled back, silently questioning what that was with curiosity in his light eyes but that curiosity is exactly what led to him connecting their lips again, picking her up and leading her through her apartment at the time to her bedroom.

She’d like to call it a true false positive, taking two tests after the third time. Her OBGYN confirmed it with a blood test and she was happy but scared. Seraphina and Dante were friends, the best anyone could have but they discussed that it couldn’t be more until she ended up wanting it to be more. No one else matched up to him. They were careful—not enough—and she imagined what children would look in their friendship and automatically knew Dante would be a great dad. Just when she worked up the nerve to tell him, waiting days after the news…she suffered a miscarriage alone because of that terrifying injury when she was fifteen going on sixteen.

Asherman's syndrome is what they call it.

“Somewhere around all of it, you still love him and he cares for you immensely. It’s twisted because anyone would have called it quits but there’s something…enchanting about you two.” The killer is back to standing up straight, “I want to hear how much up close so…call.”

Seraphina slowly blinks while she stares at the device the killer is holding out to her, “No.”

The bearded man deeply inhales, putting the burner phone back into his pocket, “tell me something…when you went through your miscarriage…when that abdominal pain almost ripped you apart from the inside out, did you dig your nails into the palms of your hands hoping that would help?”

She exhales, closing her eyes and knows what’s about to happen next. She doesn’t grant the monster with a response as she feels the blade pressing underneath her nail. Her screams did not go unheard in the room close by which contained a non-coherent Hank Voight and once satisfied, the killer whispers as he enjoys the drips of blood that hits the floor, “Take all the time you need but I’ll be back. It’s time to see Hank.”

The state of Dante Torres’ heart felt as if someone took a meat tenderizer right to it. He was right on Hailey’s tail despite Petrovic telling her to stand down. This case quickly became personal for the both of them and it didn’t take long to realize that Voight got snatched as well. The team all knew it was a matter of time and that was not something they wanted to continue to give to Matson.

He wished Upton stood on her stance of shooting Matson in the kneecaps and had his own finger on the trigger to fire. The next moments he blacked out on after seeing Hailey climb in the trunk of Matson’s stolen car.

Eventually he’s heading down the steps, eyes immediately picking up on Matson’s mutaliated body, eyes gaugeed out, brain matter surrounding him, and a knife sticking right out of his abdomen that Seraphina was still holding onto. Dante lowered his gun after putting in the call for the paramedics to make their way down.

“Nina,” Dante gently speaks as he gets down on his knees beside a sitting Seraphina.

He carefully reaches out to touch her bleeding hands but she pulls them back from holding the blade, curling her hands into herself numb to her missing fingernails. “Hey, hey, it’s me, Tay. I’m here, Nina.”

It’s like she’s not here, eyes glossed over but she hears him. “Dante?”

He nods and there’s a sob that rattles from her chest as a bloody hand tries to silence it. Dante springs into action, bringing her right into his arms. His face tightens as he glances at Matson’s body and back to Ruzek who’s tending to Hailey and Voight, he dips his head for him to get Seraphina out of here.

“I’ve got you,” he says to her after repeating a nod to Ruzek, “let me get you out of here, alright?”

Scooping her into his arms, he spins around taking her away from the violence that was inflicted. Hating that he didn’t try harder enough to keep her out of this. Kim nods her head at them on their way by, empathy was heavy in her large eyes as she watched her team member take the love of his life as far as he could.

“I wouldn’t call.” She whispers to Dante in the ambulance, one hand holding his while the paramedic is bandaging her right hand.

Dante hums as he brings her in tact hand to his lips, “I know Mi Corazón…you’re the toughest person I know, next to mi ma.”

Seraphina snorts before her eyes widen, “…you didn’t tell her anything did you?”

“She’s knows we’re going through our bullshit again,” he mocks his mother, knowing that Seraphina’s reaction was valid because as soon as Momma Catalina found out that her babies were up to some bullshit, she was ready to bring out the chancla after embracing them and making sure they were okay first, “but not the specifics.”

“Good.”

Dante scoffs, “good? Not good. I know what happened and you should be more concerned with that than anything else.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Seraphina closes her eyes but Dante nudges her with their clasped hands, “…can we do this later? I’m tired.”

Dante peeks at the paramedic who shakes their head, which lets Dante know that there could be signs of a concussion. “How about this? Let’s talk about the rest of our summer plans?”

“Are you sure you even want to spend the summer with me?” Seraphina wiggles around trying to get comfortable on the stretcher, “I know you’re going to beat yourself up over this and it’s not necessary. I’m a big girl and made myself part of this, not you.”

He exhales through his nostrils, laughing internally that she knew him so well. How could he not beat himself up over this? It was his job to look after her, something they both vowed once they became friends at thirteen. Once he got into the gang in juvi, he made sure he had people on the outside looking out; not only for Seraphina but also his mother until he got out.

“Yeah it is necessary,” he starts but Seraphina doesn’t want to hear it.

“I’m tired of Chicago, Tay.” She shifts the conversation, although the green-eyed man knows he can bring it right back there if he wanted to but he decides to listen on their ride to the hospital, “My parents went to Kansas City as soon as I moved out full time to get rid of all the bad memories so why can’t I do the same…even if it’s for a little bit? My cousin Behati’s been begging me to visit the New England area with her husband and two year old daughter.”

Dante is quiet at this but he shows he’s listening as he lightly squeezes her hand.

“B and Makari always extended the invitation to you too, you know?” She’s hinting as Dante leans forward to press a kiss to her forehead.

He’s met Seraphina’s cousin Behati and cousin-in-law Makari many of times over video calls and the pair seems so full of joy. So positive and compassionate with the intentions of showing that they were good people. Seraphina’s always talked about Behati and hated that she always lived far and cant remember the last time she’s seen her in person.

“You should go.” Is all Dante says, sending a small smile to Seraphina who goes silent at that.

Dante lets out a long exhale after cutting the engine. He knows they’re pressed for time as he’s in the line up, and glances over at Seraphina who peers out the window in excitement. Dante dips his head as they both move to exit the car, she’s fixing the carry-on that’s on her shoulder while Dante pulls out the hard-cover suitcase from the trunk. Reaching out for the handle, they both meet each other’s eyes.

Seraphina offers Dante a smile and he takes it, a soft grin splitting over his lips that she gets a view of the tiny gap in between his front two teeth before he’s pulling her into his arms. He always loved holding her. The feathered haired woman rubs at his back in his embrace as he holds onto her like he’s going to lose her forever.

“I don’t know where I’d be without you and I’m gonna miss you, Nina.” He says as their heads rest side by side.

She laughs, “I know.”

Dante snorts as he pulls back to look at the amusement in her eyes. It’s been a tough time after the events with the serial killer but Seraphina always knew how to keep going and this trip was part of that. She didn’t need anyone’s permission to relocate but she kept talking it over with her therapist—something new she was trying—and with Dante. What kind of friend would he be if he told her to stay after everything?

“How sweet of you.” Dante is sarcastic as he gently rubs the sides of her arms while Seraphina winks.

“I’ll be back after Labor Day.”

Dante nods.

Seraphina uses her pointer fingers to lift the corner of Dante’s mouth who rolls his eyes in return, a smile breaking through on its own, “And if you change your mind or want a little break from this…from Chicago, you know where to find me.”

He places a lingering kiss on both cheeks before hugging her again, lifting her off her feet, “yeah, I do. I love you, have a great flight. Now get out of here.”

She kisses one of his cheek’s back, “I love you more and I’ll text you when I land!”

“You better.” He puts her down on her feet, letting her take her things and watching as she makes her way into the airport.

Once she sends another wave and he can’t see her anymore, Dante circles back around his car to get into the drivers seat. The hammering starts in his chest as he starts the engine, pulling away from the curb and he’s struggling to swallow the lump in his throat.

See Dante wouldn’t blame Seraphina if she decided that she didn’t want to come back. They always talked about seeing what the world had to offer but Chicago was all that they knew. He was glad that she was getting out, although she claimed it was only for a little while, the back of his mind was saying something different.

His eyes flicked to the new ornament that he hung from his mirror. It was a old Polaroid photo, on Seraphina’s fifteenth birthday during a late December, she held up a deck of cards which shielded the lower half of her face, arm tossed over Dante’s shoulder as he appeared unimpressed wearing a red headdress that was Vegas themed and forced on his head for the photo.

Written on the white space in Seraphina’s chicken scratch of handwriting she always had it says: I’ll always celebrate my bday and ur bday enough for the both of us! —Forever your road dog, Nina :)

Dante sucks in some air after glancing at it, blocking his mouth with a shaky hand in attempt to quit the cry that wants to burst out as he puts on a smile.

He really was happy that Seraphina got out, for real this time.

This didn’t have to be goodbye but it was certainly feeling like it and Dante would be lying if he said it wasn’t breaking him.

Guess he’s a sucker for pain and evolving it into something better, which he’s competent of.

When Dante truly sinks into this new found emptiness, a separate shade of darkness, he comes to terms with: not having the reassurance of Seraphina by his side or a simple drive across town where she resides, he’s not entirely sure how this will all play out and that petrified him.

“Torres,” he answers his phone, after realizing that it’s been ringing for a while.

The familiar gruff voice replies, “I need you down at the district.”

Crime was never ending as Dante put his foot to the pedal, flying down the highway to dive into the life he’s built for himself.

And continues to buries the rest.

For now.

𓂃 ࿐ 𓂃࿐ 𓂃 ࿐ 𓂃࿐ 𓂃 ࿐ 𓂃࿐

FIN.

Continue with my summer anthology writings & prompts here.

#Spotify #chicago pd #chicago pd x reader #dante torres #Dante Torres x reader #chicago pd fanfic #kevin atwater #adam ruzek #summer writing #benjamin levy aguilar

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whumpy-vibes · 1 year

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D-Day (2015) Whump List

Where to watch: Viki Rakuten

Genre: Drama, Medical, Romance

Whumpee: Lee Hae Sung

Note: This is my very first whump list! I discovered the whump community about a year ago and I decided to finally make a list. I love this kdrama and have rewatched it multiple times but have never heard anyone talk about it on here. Which is pretty sad, since it is so whump-heavy. Plus the romance isn't very prominent and the drama mainly focuses on the disaster aspect. This list may not be perfect and I may have over-described some things so if you guys have any advice on how I can make my lists better, feel free to let me know! And I would just like to thank @simply-whump and @love-me-a-lotta-whump as you two inspired me to make this list in the first place.

Episode 1: exhausted from performing surgery for a long time, building partially collapsed on him, covered in ash, caught in explosion.

Episode 2: exhausted, falls asleep on bench of firetruck, argument with brother, emotional, flashback to aftermath of car accident (severely injured, loved ones worried for him, mourning father’s death), breathing and sweating heavily from preforming CPR X2, blood splatters in face, exhausted, falls asleep against patients bed X3 (I swear this man can fall asleep anywhere), getting hit (jokingly), in earthquake.

Episode 3: knocked out, in shock, covered in ash, right next to an explosion X2, worried for loved one, hit in the arm with metal pole, gets stitches without anesthesia and pretends it doesn’t hurt, sucks out baby juice out of baby to save it, carries mother on back, watches people go into collapsing building without being able to save them.

Episode 4: Covered in more ash, in shock, tries to save people but fails, in denial, mentally unstable, PTSD symptoms, flashback to building colapse and hand reaching out, mental breakdown/emotional outburst, crying, begs on knees for hospital to take patients in, flashback to the car accident that killed his father and put his mother in a coma.

Episode 5 drinks canned coffee instead of eating food, stressed, hands shaking, sweating, hands shaking

Episode 6 motorcycle jumps over broken bridge and crashes, metal punctures chest, doesn’t take care of injury, uses tissues and tap to fix ingury, hears voices of dead patients, flashback to people dying again, hit on the head with wood, in physical fight, crying, faints, carried into hospital on stretcher, others worried for him, receives medical care

Episode 7 people worried for him, carried into hospital/emergency room on stretcher, unconscious, stitches, hit by a door opening, trips and falls, flashback to after car crash, crying, flash back to people dying, sleep deprived, exhausted, cold symptoms, insomnia, flashbacks about earthquake,

Episode 8 insomnia, hurts arm in middle of surgery during mini earthquake/aftershock, exhausted

Episode 9 exhausted from performing CPR a long time, falls asleep against patient bed, falls in mud

Episode 10 PTSD symptoms, hands shaking, breathing heavily, voice shaking/stuttering

Episode 11: PTSD symptoms, flashback, heavy breathing, hands shaking, stumbling/can’t walk straight, trouble breathing, people concerned for him, hallucinating, blood splatters in face, crying, getting hit and blamed for patient death

Episode 12: blaming himself for patient dying, crying, depressed, crying

Episode 13: Punched, lip bleeding, falls asleep in chair, hands shaking, breathing heavily, PTSD symptoms, punches wall, bloody knuckles, others worried for him

Episode 14: Blood splatters over face, exhausted

Episode 15: concerned for mother

Episode 16: running fever, hooked up to iv

Episode 17: none

Episode 18: preforms entire surgery with fever, faints and falls, high fever, faints again, in hospital bed, given sedative to sleep, rips iv out, finds out about brothers death, in denial, crying, mourning

Episode 19: crying

Episode 20: gets pushed and falls, watches brother’s last moments, crying

#asian whump #asian whump list #whump list #kdrama whump #kdrama whump list #whump

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canary3d-obsessed · 2 years

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Restless Rewatch: The Untamed, Episode 36 part one

(Masterpost) (Pinboard) (whole thing on AO3)

Warning! Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Lan Wangji’s alcohol tolerance has improved considerably since the last time he got drunk with Wei Wuxian; this time he does not face plant onto the table. He’s still totally hammered after a single drink, though. Lan Wangji doesn’t do anything halfway.

Wei Wuxian maneuvers him into their inn room (which does appear to have a second bed, alas) making the same vocalization that people in cdrama seem to use to settle skittish horses, and puts him into bed.

...Fully clothed, because the hair & costume department ain’t got time to be re-doing anybody’s outfit, we’ve got a schedule to keep here, people, let’s move!

The last time Wei Wuxian put a drunk Lan Wangji to bed, they were kids and he laid him down like a sack of potatoes.

This time he cradles his head, holds his hands, tucks him in, and comes within a censor’s breath of kissing him.

He’s obviously got a lot of feelings for Lan Wangji at this point, and I think he’s sort of aware of the nature of those feelings, but he is still not clear about what’s going on in Lan Wangji’s head and heart. So he continues to slap a veneer of playfulness over the deeper stuff that’s going on underneath...mostly.

(more behind the cut!)

Old Friends (Sat on the Park Bench Like Bookends)

While Lan Wanji sleeps, Wei Wuxian goes outside to find Wen Ning. Wen Ning shuffles up wearing comically huge chains and a deeply strung-out expression.

He’s so blank of expression, in fact, that the editor uses this exact same shot three times in the course of his interaction with Wei Wuxian, rather than bothering to film a longer take.

Wei Wuxian is delighted to see him; the only survivor, or sorta-survivor, that he’s seen from their little refugee village. He’s not delighted to see that Wen Ning barely recognizes him--although he recognizes him enough to come whenever he hears his flute playing, even though it’s a new flute, which is really very sweet. This kid got a sincere compliment from a beautiful upperclassman when he was a freshman and promptly signed his entire self over to that guy for the rest of eternity, and he’s not going to let death or mind control keep him away.

Wei Wuxian can tell something is wrong because of the heap of chains that Wen Ning is wearing, which weren’t part of his look in the old days. Critical Role fans like me are probably thinking of ways to sell these to a blacksmith.

After a little provocative hair pulling, Wei Wuxian extracts the control nails from Wen Ning’s skull.

Wen Ning: I hope this doesn’t awaken anything in me

Unlike the next time Wei Wuxian encounters this exact same technology, he doesn’t stop with one nail, but keeps poking around until he finds and removes the second one, which fully restores Wen Ning’s consciousness.

Wen Ning promptly feels bad about having killed Jin Zixuan, and kneels to apologize.

Wei Wuxian is like “dude, I’m so over it” and tries to get him to stand back up. When he won’t, Wei Wuxian kneels down too.

This is a gesture so important and powerful that he does it from two different camera angles, for emphasis.

It’s interesting, when you watch a mix of CDrama genres like I do, to see how kneeling is so often a huge deal in Wuxia, Xianxia, and whatever genre Dao Mu Bi Ji and Guardian are (Sci-fi? Fantasy? Ghostpunk? Gravepunk?), and then to watch a palace drama where non-emperor people spend endless time on their knees without appearing to have any feelings about it at all. I’m not saying these things are in conflict; kneeling is governed by a bunch of hierarchical stuff and in a palace drama, the hierarchy is all-pervasive, whereas in a Wuxia, it’s more nuanced.

Here, Wen Ning kneels to apologize to Wei Wuxian for killing his family member. Wei Wuxian, however, has come to a different understanding of that death; as Wen Qing told him long ago, Wen Ning is a knife. Wei Wuxian is the knife’s creator and wielder, which makes Wen Ning’s violence Wei Wuxian’s responsibility. By kneeling himself, he forces Wen Ning to get up and to start moving past that event.

Next, Wei Wuxian wants to cut Wen Ning’s chains off, but he needs a spiritual sword to do it so he plans to borrow Bichen. As soon as the words are out of his mouth, though, Lan Wangji appears, still drunk, and now also jealous.

Wen Ning wisely makes himself scarce, after a few obvious “scram” gestures from Wei Wuxian.

Shenanigans

After Wen Ning leaves, Wei Wuxian attempts to guide Lan Wangji back to their inn, and manages to get lost in this town with exactly four shooting locations, if you count the Inn’s dining room and bedroom as two locations.

Lan Wangji enjoys being lost and immediately gets busy stealing and tagging.

First, he steals a couple of chickens and gifts them to Wei Wuxian.

Much has been made of the “betrothal gift” aspect of this chicken situation, but I’m more interested in the “penis slang” aspect of the scene.

So, in English, the word “cock” can mean a male chicken, a.k.a. a rooster, and is also popular slang for a penis, as anyone ctrl-F’ing an AO3 page to get to the spicy bits knows.

Naturally this made me curious if the same association exists in Chinese. I’m not any kind of Chinese speaker, but Google Translate tells me that 雞 (jī) means “chicken,” 公雞 (gōngjī) means “rooster” or “male chicken”, 母雞 (mǔ jī) means “hen” or “mother chicken.”

...and 雞雞 (jī jī) means “dick.”

Google image search confirms that this isn’t some other type of “dick,” either. So, with that in mind...let’s look at what happens in the scene.

1. Lan Wangji gives Wei Wuxian one chicken. Wei Wuxian is confused. Lan Wangji gives him a second chicken.

2. Lan Wangji asks Wei Wuxian to evaluate his chicken(s), asking is it “肥‘ (féi), which Viki subtitles as “fat” but google translate tells me can also mean “fertile.”

3. Wei Wuxian says it’s fat and pets it, then gives it a thumbs up.

4. Lan Wangji wanders off while Wei Wuxian speculatively knocks their...chickens together..

Given that Chinese and wordplay go together like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong, I’m going to go out on a limb and say I think there is possibly some sexual subtext hidden in this scene.

Sword Grafitti

Next, Drunkji decides to carve his name on a post, so that everyone will know he’s a chicken thief, I guess. Wei Wuxian reflects on how Lan Wangj, due to his repressed upbringing, is an even crazier drunk than Wei Wuxian is.

Book and/or Manhua readers are aware that these mild on-screen antics are not nearly the extent of their uncensored drunken craziness. Tags include: hand jobs, biting, pinching, dubious consent, improper use of the gusu lan forehead ribbon, under-negotiated everything, major injury to a bathtub.

Lan Wangji spends some time looking at Wei Wuxian’s suprasternal notch, and eventually allows himself to be dragged away from the farmyard.

Wei Wuxian puts his Lil-Apple dragging experience to good use here.

Having convinced Lan Wangji to stop vandalizing things, Wei Wuxian’s natural sense of mischief instantly recovers, and he runs back to carve his own name in the post next to Lan Wangji’s.

He also takes the opportunity to try out Lan Wangji’s signature move: cuddling his beloved under the guise of keeping him from falling over, while gazing at him yearningly.

Drunken Master

Back at the Inn, Drunkji looks at Wei Wuxian with 100% bedroom eyes, but unfortunately Su She in a mask has shown up to cockblock him.

Lan Wangji promptly sobers up the swordfighting part of his brain so he can bust a move.

Not for the first time in this show, we’re treated to a fight scene with beautifully executed fight choreography paired with weird camera framing and rapid, choppy editing.

Wei Wuxian stands back and carefully watches the swordfighting, analyzing the fight moves to try to figure out the identity of the masked dude. Then he throws a talisman at him to chain him up.

Fanfic writers, I feel like I should have read more stories featuring this particular talisman.

Anyway, with the virtue of hindsight, we know that this masked dude is ex-Gusu-Lan weasel Su She. How did Su She ever get to be such a strong cultivator? He holds his own in a sword fight with Hanguang-Jun, breaks a Yiling Laozu binding talisman, and teleports.

He still sucks, given that he’s not able to hang on to one little bag of corpse parts, but he’s definitely not the guy who couldn’t get his sword out of the lack back in their Gusu days. Maybe he’s getting regular doses of qi from Jin Guangyao, if you know what I mean.

Oh He May Get Weary

After the remarkably proficient fighting, Lan Wangji goes right back to being extremely drunk, so much so that he briefly irritates Wei Wuxian with how bad he is at drinking.

But the dynamic shifts very quickly as Wei Wuxian sees Lan Wangji’s vulnerability, and allows himself to treat him with tenderness.

It's not just sentimental no, no, no She has her grief and care, yeah, yeah, yeah But the soft words they are spoke so gentle, yeah It makes it easier, easier to bear, yeah

We’re seeing a new side of Wei Wuxian in these moments. We have seen his devotion, his easy affection and his playfulness with his friends and loved ones. But tenderness is something he’s mainly reserved for Jiang Yanli.

Of course, he quickly moves along to mischief, asking Lan Wangji a series of questions about rulebreaking and rabbits. (Gifsets here and here)

Then he moves along to the serious question that’s been on his mind since their reunion: why are you helping me? In Wei Wuxian’s mind, he and Lan Wangji parted as enemies or perhaps frenemies; certainly not as allies. He doesn’t know about Lan Wangji’s grief or his true thoughts.

Lan Wangji gives him a serious answer, that he’s totally not prepared for: Lan Wangji regrets not being by Wei Wuxian’s side in the final battle.

Hearing this, Wei Wuxian comes a little unglued; he’s felt himself to be all alone, even while traveling together with Lan Wangji, and hearing that Lan Wangji has held him in his mind, possibly even in his heart, is overwhelming for him.

Wei Wuxian tries to tell him that he shouldn’t feel responsible for Wei Wuxian’s choices, but Lan Wangji refuses to acknowledge what he’s said, and drunkenly toddles off to bed.

Soundtrack: 1. Old Friends by Simon and Garfunkel 2. We Go Together, from Grease 3. Try a Little Tenderness by Otis Redding (but the version that is in my head forever is by that drunk Irish dude in The Committments, thanks VH1 circa 1991)

#the untamed #restless rewatch the untamed #wangxian #drunkji #canary3d-original #ep36

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