#i really want to make one of rakka

[autistickaitovocaloid]

Been in a bit of a picmix craze over the past few days I should probably post the ones I've made hold on

[kafus]

watching haibane renmei has me thinking about a very specific childhood memory.

when i was around 12, i was visiting my cousin around the same age as me who was part of a very, very religious and conservative part of my family, and i noticed a thought web she had written and put up on her wall of various sins she wasn't supposed to commit. apparently, one of those sins was suicide.

this hurt me very severely at the time. age 12 is when i was most suicidal in my life, the most detailed my ideation has ever been, and it is also the age that i got involuntarily admitted to a psych ward because my suicide plans were discovered. i am not and was not religious, but i asked her about it, like, "if i died you think i'd go to hell?" and without skipping a beat, she went, "yeah, it's a sin so if you kill yourself you go to hell." i didn't argue with her for long but i couldn't stop thinking that one of my relatives who i loved thought i deserved to suffer for eternity if i killed myself, and it did not make me want to kill myself less, but it did make everything hurt more.

it is difficult to interpret reki any other way than as a victim of suicide, and personally i also interpret rakka as a suicide victim, the difference between them being that reki was truly alone in her pre-haibane life, and rakka was not. and for me, it was comforting in a way to see that suicide did not end up in eternal suffering like the stereotypical idea of Hell for these girls that my cousin suggested over a decade ago, but i also really, really appreciated the nuance of having it not be... easy. it's not like these girls were rewarded with a paradise for dying, they still had to come to terms with their inner demons... just while not alive anymore. it is not a repeat of shitty suicide romanticization posts i saw as a young person that suicidal people are just angels that want to go home - it's a difficult and emotionally tough take on the subject, but one that is very grounded to me. and, in the end, genuinely hopeful and healing.

learning that you aren't alone, or learning that you have to trust in others to not be alone anymore, are two essential lessons that any suicidal or depressed person has to learn in real life while alive, speaking from personal experience as well. haibane renmei did not emotionally destroy me because any of these lessons were new for me, frankly i've spent the past four years learning joy in community and love and how to not be alone anymore. i'm not perfect at it, but i'm way better than i used to be. and i've also thoroughly confronted the idea of what happens when i die, what would have happened if i did go through with suicide when i was 12, and a whole lot of trauma processing that i continue to work on now. so the themes and messages haibane renmei presents didn't feel like they opened some new door for me, but it was weirdly familiar. it felt like a warm hug in some ways, and it was cathartic to cry so much over a genuine work of art that represents so many of my own emotions. the spiritual imagery was also utilized in a way that i found personally refreshing and provoking.

i'm rambling this directly after binging the whole anime in one sitting the same night i wrote it so apologies if this is a bit nonsensical or anything. i literally still have a headache from crying over the final episode so much. but i had to talk some about it because it was really good and really moved me

[dragonclaw29]

Top Ten Manga

It’s been a minute since I last uploaded a top ten of any kind, Grad school will do that to you. However, now with my studies almost over I thought I would revisit my top ten manga and see what new titles have amazed me! 

-Note I am not including Webcomics so if you want Manhwa and the like let me know and I will make a separate list. 

10. Sakamoto Days

Starting off with a bang we have Sakamoto Days. In a world of assassins even a mild mannered fat store clerk could be a tough challenge. That is definitely true for Sakamoto the former top assassin in Japan. Watch as Sakamoto is targeted by Esper's, Triad members, and old friends as he battles to protect his home and his daughter. It’s a fantastic read and great for the action lover and comedian a like. 

9. Claymore 

Claymore tells the tale of an elite class of women tasked to fight off monsters who plague the land. Clair the last member of this group must protect the peace, her new friend Rakka, and her self. However, dark secrets lurk in this world and the shadowy organization that dispatches the Claymores may not be as kind as they appear. 

8. A Story about a Droid 

I debated about including this because it is such a short read. But it is also a very good and cute read. This story is about a droid who finds a baby and decides to take care of him. In order to care for the child the droid puts on a human disguise. The story follows the droid and her child as she raises him in a post apocalyptic world. 

7. Berserk

RIP Muria I will always be heartbroken that you passed before finishing this wonder of a story. This manga has always been one of my favorites and for good reason. The art is fantastic, the story is gripping, and the characters are dynamic. However, this manga is shocking, cruel, and depressing- not for the faint of heart. 

6. Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki Kun

Monthly Girls Nozaki is the tale of a girl in love. Chiyo has been in love with Nozaki for a while and she finally decides that she has had enough. Working up the courage she confesses to him, only for him to give her an autograph. Turns out her class mate is world famous in the realm of shoujo manga and has never been in love. Chiyo’s confession goes right over his head leaving her dumbfounded but not hopeless. This manga is a great romantic comedy including some of my favorite characters in fiction. Definitely worth a read if you want to laugh a night away. 

5. Dungeon Meshi

Have you ever been playing DnD and been like “hmmm I wonder what a Mimic tastes like?” If so I have the manga for you! Dungeon Meshi or delicious in dungeon follows a group of adventures as they venture into a dungeon to save the main character Laos’s sister. However, with no supplies they are forced to eat their way through to survive, much to the disdain of the party except for Laos he loves it. 

4. Sousou No Frienen

We all know elves live a long time but sometimes it doesn’t hit an elf until they have seen their old comrades fade away. Frenen is old even and has wandered the world in search of rare magic, and I mean rare not necessarily useful. Only after being recruited to aid the hero’s party and defeating the demon king does she come to realize that human relationships are complex and that time is fleeting. This is a great fantasy manga with great magic and quirky characters as I write this I am rereading the manga for the fourth time. 

3. Yotsubato!

Man aren’t five year old's hectic little animals?! Yotsuba is a young girl in a new neighborhood who isn’t afraid to wander off, get into trouble, or of anything except for maybe scary statues. This manga follows her life with her dad living every day to the fullest. If you are feeling down this is a great pick me up. I reread during finals and it really helped. 

2. Tongari Boss/ Witch Hat Alter

Witches are born with the ability to use magic and normal people aren’t. At least that’s what they say but what happens when a young girl gets a glimpse at the secret of magic. What if the reason magic is solely for witches because of the great danger magic can place not only yourself but the world in. Witch hat alter is one of the best fantasy manga out there right now and I want the next chapter to come out already!!!

1. Chainsaw Man

I remember the conversation that led me to read chainsaw man years ago. It went something like 

“Hey dude you should totally read this manga it’s badass!”

“Really? What’s it about?”

Insert a few seconds of silence 

“Well.. It’s about a dude who turns into a chainsaw and kills devils” 

“That’s insane” 

“Trust me it’s sooo good you have to try it! It has a section where he rides a shark into battle while on fire!” 

And with that fateful line I decided to give it a read. All I can say is thank you for telling me to read it because I love this manga. It is so funny, and crazy, and sad, and mind bending, and so many other things. I never thought a story about a dude who literally has a chainsaw growing out of his face would make me cry but life works in funny ways. 

Well that’s my list. I hope you find some of these recommendations helpful. If you have any questions, or want more let me know!! Have a great Summer!

[magicalgirlelsa]

Haibane Renmei: Sin-Bound theory

I felt like rewatching the series since last time I watched it, I was too young to really grasp some of the deeper concepts and metaphors.

I just finished episode 9 and was reflecting on what the Communicator said to Rakka about the Circle of Sin and what it means to be Sin-Bound: “Perhaps that is what it means to be bound by sin. To keep going around in the same circle looking to find where the sin lies... and at some point losing the sight of the way out.”

If I remember correctly, Reki said previously that a Haibane is considered Sin-Bound when they don’t remember the dream they had in their cocoon. But this makes me suspect there’s more to the story than that. Plus, if it was just about not remembering, Rakka should have been Sin-Bound from the beginning (like Reki was). One could make an argument that she was but she remembered “enough” of her dream that it wasn’t immediately apparent or something, but the timing seems suspect, so with that on top of the Communicator’s words I think there’s more to it.

“One who knows their sin has no sin.” Rakka coming to know her “sin” is about a lot more than remembering her dream. She remembers that in her past life, she had had one or more people who had cared about her and wanted her to live, but that she hadn’t realized it at the time. She had believed herself to be alone and wanted to disappear. The crow even tugged at her as she was falling, trying to pull her back up, and she had said, “No, you can’t.” Those who loved her were unable to stop her. (I am operating under the assumption that this is some sort of “purgatory” type situation and that Rakka died by... ah, if I say that word I think this won’t appear in the Haibane Renmei tag, so let’s just say, the cause that I think most people infer.)

When Kuu had her Day of Flight, the shoe was put on the other foot, so to speak. It’s a little different since the Day of Flight seems more akin to a “graduation” than a death for the Haibane in question, but with the way that they “never tell anyone” about it and are just suddenly, inexplicably gone, the experience for the Haibane left behind has obvious parallels to those who lose a loved one to the aforementioned cause of death.

It was a chance for Rakka to realize what she had put her loved ones through in her previous life, but -- in part because she couldn’t remember her dream -- she couldn’t put the pieces together. Instead, she started isolating herself, not taking care of herself, hurting herself (her feathers) to hide that anything was wrong, and believing once more than it would be better if she disappeared. It wasn’t just that she didn’t remember her dream; she was headed on a path to repeat the same “sin” she had while alive. (I use quotes because I have complicated feelings on the term “sin” as applied to this particular subject, but am using the term because it’s what the anime uses.)

Likewise, remembering her dream led her to realize that she hurt people with her decision in her previous life, and that she was once again not seeing that she had people around her who cared about her. She realized what she did wrong and learned from it. I believe it was one or both of those things that led her to no longer be Sin-Bound, rather than just remembering her dream in and of itself. (It may be that a Haibane who can’t remember their dream had a lesson in the dream they didn’t hear, which puts them at a greater risk of becoming Sin-Bound, but I don’t think I have enough information yet to fully theorize on why Reki says it’s due to not remembering their dreams if that is not the full story.)

As for Reki, I don’t remember all the details of her circumstances. I’ll have to re-evaluate this theory once I finish the series. However, so far I think there are hints supporting this theory in her situation as well.

Reki tends to take everything on alone. She’s even called out on this (gently) in the same episode where this is discussed (episode 9). She doesn’t isolate (nowadays) by withdrawing from everybody, but she more subtly keeps them at a distance by taking on everything by herself instead of asking for help. If she died in a similar manner to Rakka, this might pertain in some way to her not having learned the lesson that her cocoon dream was meant to teach her. I think it’s entirely possible she became Sin-Bound at some point between emerging, growing her wings, and cleaning her wings enough to see their color -- from what I remember, she got off to a difficult start in the world, which may have predisposed her to return to old coping strategies or something.

To tie all this back into the Communicator’s words, he describes being bound by sin as “to keep going around in the same circle” and “losing sight of the way out.” If they are in a purgatory and achieve their Day of Flight upon learning what they were meant to, then repeating their past mistakes (thus moving them further away from learning) making them Sin-Bound makes a lot of sense.

It may be that “one who knows their sin has no sin” because one who truly knows their “sin” and understands why it was wrong is likely to try to do differently moving forward, whereas if they don’t realize it (not remembering it and/or not realizing it was wrong/hurtful), they would be more likely to continue to repeat their same mistake.

Well, I’ll have to come back to this theory and see how it does or doesn’t fit after I finish the series!

EDIT: I just started episode 10 and a couple things I’ve noticed... First of all Reki definitely got a rough start to say the least. Waking up all alone and even growing her wings all alone. We saw from Rakka how incredibly painful that process was. It also looks to me like as we see time elapsing and she allows Kuramori to care for her, the amount of black in her wings appears to be receding... Though I don’t know if it’s fair to say she “isolated herself” or “didn’t ask for help” when she was literally trapped, so we’ll see how things fit together.

EDIT2: I’ve just finished episode 13 and I absolutely believe I was right about this. We can reasonably infer that Reki’s “sin” in her previous life was not asking for help. She waited and waited, and when it didn’t come and things remained unbearable, she died, unable to ask for help until the very end.

As I speculated to be related, in Old Home, she continued to not ask for help, taking everything on by herself and not trusting anyone enough to let them know that she was struggling. This, I believe, is why she became Sin-Bound.

Taking it a step further, I think we can now connect this to the day she emerged from her cocoon. Obviously, there was nobody around to ask for help in the first place. We don’t know if she tried calling for help and nobody came, or if she didn’t try asking for help. However, I think more to the point is that whether or not she asks for help is also representative of her trust in others. She’s very clear in the final episode that her difficulty asking for help stems from a lack of trust, believing that even if she asks for help she will be abandoned and not wanting to face this pain again. When she emerged, she (theoretically) could have thought, “I’m sure someone will come for me eventually,” or (as I would consider most likely, based on not only what we know of Reki but also that she knew nothing about the world she had suddenly been born into) she could have thought, “I’m completely alone; no one is ever going to come save me.”

That she ends up “punished” for this is, of course, deeply unfair. It isn’t punishment in the sense of anybody actively inflicting it upon her, however (at least not as far as we know...), so there’s nothing that can really be done about it. I believe this is why the Communicator seems to make special exceptions for her, and by extension Rakka. That she would struggle to trust when she awoke in a strange world all alone and was forced to go through horrible pain in complete isolation and confusion seems sort of inevitable... and yet, that was outside of her control, and it’s unfair she should have to bear the repercussions of it.

Likewise, it may be that with Kuramori she asked for help in small ways, or it may simply be that asking for help was -- for Reki -- symbolic of trust and her trust in Kuramori made her Sin-Bound condition begin to abate.

Also, it’s made very clear that Reki remembering her dream isn’t enough for redemption. It isn’t until she finally asks for help that things begin to change. Thus supporting my theory that it’s about repeating vs. changing one’s past wrongs, with the Day of Flight symbolizing having overcome their hurdle... which the Communicator spells out, so I don’t need to elaborate any further on that one.

Now, another thing that the final couple of episodes evidenced is that there is a community component to redemption. I don’t think it’s coincidence either that both Reki and Rakka’s “sins” involved turning away from others. Most likely, it has to be bridged by both sides reaching out. (In Rakka’s case, the crow died reaching out to her. This is, I believe, what the Communicator meant about the crow forgiving her.)

I also see the possibility, which isn’t necessarily mutually exclusive with the above, that being Sin-Bound is not specifically about repeating one’s mistakes -- it’s about turning away from others. For Reki and Rakka, the two are one and the same, so in the absence of other Sin-Bound Haibane, we can’t really say which one was the relevant factor or if it was both. 

Given that the humans are said to be meant to help the Haibane as well as the Communicator’s role, Glie is set up in such a way that there can reliably be someone reaching out to each Haibane -- not every moment, but eventually -- and they simply must reach back.

Many people believe that a person can’t achieve their full potential in isolation. Of course particularly when we’re young this is a fact; we need somebody to teach us how to be. How to show kindness, how to evaluate what went wrong so as to learn from our mistakes, and so on; we aren’t born knowing those things. And even as adults, as the saying goes, “we don’t know what we don’t know.” In isolation, it’s difficult for someone to realize what they’re doing wrong and how to change it. Hence getting caught up going in circles and becoming Sin-Bound; as the Circle of Sin implies through its inverse, if they don’t know what they are doing wrong, they cannot break free.

As such, my hypothesis is that is is about specifically repeating your past mistakes -- but that in the supportive environment of Glie, so long as someone does not turn away from others, they are less likely to be stuck repeating their past mistakes. Many people believe that humans have an innate capacity toward growth, and if this is a philosophy underlying Haibane Renmei, it would make sense that all they need to achieve their growth in Glie is some support and guidance. If they turn away from that support and guidance, they don’t get the influences needed to change... and thus they will repeat their mistakes.

That’s my conclusion.

[inferablossom]

Reki and Kyoko for the character bingo asks!!

Ok, I'm not sure if I'll be able to say as much on these two as Viri would, but I'll try my best!

Reki is interesting in that she has this level of emotional distance from others but is still really caring, definitely more caring that she believes herself to be. I really like her dynamic with Rakka especially. I feel like both characters explore a lot the concept of guilt, self-loathing, and fear being inherently "bad", in both similar and different ways. I think I more closely related to Rakka's take on it, but I think really like the sort... What's the word? The closeness they could share in both struggling with similar self-worth issues and the shared secret between the two of them. And I did find it interesting how as Rakka started to work through her issues and get better, Reki was conflicted because she was happy for her, but worried about not being needed by her anymore, but didn't feel like she could voice it. I also feel like something that heavily impacts Reki is her having grown up longer in the community and under the struggles of being "sinbound" and how that's isolated her, so she feels lonely but doesn't feel like she can ask for help without being selfish. It made me feel frustrated sometimes honestly, because I know that Rakka worried about her and would help her as soon as she let herself be helped, but I also understand why, with her upbringing in that town, that she thought that way. I suppose if there's one part more unique to her that I can relate to, it's her fear of whether or not her kindness towards others is genuine or selfishly motivated, since I struggled with similar things growing up being raised Christian and thus having "good" linked with "worthy of being loved". Also, the way she started to give up on herself and decline heavily at the end of the series really terrified me, but I'm glad she was finally able to accept help and that Rakka was able to help her pull herself out of it.

For Kyoko, I don't think I have as much to say about her, but I liked her dynamic with Sayaka, how they balance off each other, and thought it was interesting that even though she initially appeared selfish and scary, that she used to be very hopeful and selfless, and was coping with a tragedy that made her feel like looking out for others too much would ultimately do more harm than good. And she does make some really good points, even if not always in the best way, about the dangers of Sayaka martyring herself out for others and not allowing herself to acknowledge what she wants for herself.

[scolek]

There might be more than the ones from a year ago because I've never seen thes before and their five of them but called 4Piece are u going to produce one of them? Idk their ages but they look unique except for the guy who has glasses and the guy who has long and short hair kind of lioks like the guy from Twink but I don't kniw which is better

Who do you like from limeup? I like Rakka

ones from a year ago? the last time enstars introduced new idols was 2020.

i think their designs are fine. they all appear kind of short though, which is interesting. i assume now that theyre aging characters up again they want some fresh blood, so theyre probably all on the younger side.

i really have no idea what youre talking about. none of them look like "the guy from twink". by "the guy who has long and short hair" you mean raika? he looks like sora or nazuna, maybe that's what you meant? here's a wiki page with all the characters lined up, if youre getting interested in enstars you could study it so i dont have to make wild guesses.

again, i dont know anything about them. i have no idea what theyre like and whether i will like them. i absolutely cannot say whether i will produce them. all we know about them right now are their designs and a little blurb. and who i produce has very little to do with their appearances. i need a full, deep understanding of their personality. these 6 guys are just pngs to me for now. they mean nothing.

[maguro13-2]

The Dark Beginnings ~ Origins of the Ink Demon Chapter 0 Pt.8 ~

"Duo!"

"We need you Duo!"

Duo Maxwell : Guys!

"Duo! Over here, help!"

"Help, Duo!"

"Duo-san! Tasukette! Duo!*

Duo Maxwell : Everyone! Let go of them, coward!

Lain Iwakura : Duo!

Duo Maxwell : Lain!

Lain Iwakura : Yamete! Hanase! Yamete! Hanase kudasai! Tasukette, Duo, Onegai! Tasukette kudasi!

Duo Maxwell : Let her go! She's not yours to take with!

Lain Iwakura : Duo! Duo!

Duo Maxwell : Lain! Hold on! I'm coming to save you Lain!

Necrodeus : This will extremely costs you and your life as well!

*THUNDER CRASH!*

Lain Iwakura : DUOOOOOOO!!!

Duo Maxwell : LAAAAAAAAAAAIN!

(Necrodeus laughs evilly)

Necrodeus : Farewell, God of Death!

Duo Maxwell : Necrodeus!

(Birds chirping outside)

Duo Maxwell : Where...where am I? Was this all a dream? Or how did I ended up at the master bedroom? It must've been one heck of a nightmare. Did I not remember who saved my life before? Hmm? (next to him is Lain in bed) Yikes! I...It's this girl! The one who I just saved her life before. Oh crap! Now I realize how a drunken loser feels. Can't say that this ended up pretty too well. I bet Heero and the others would never recognize this as we ended up as a couple. What will we he thinking now? (lain gets up) Hey, what are you doing?

Lain Iwakura : *kiss* Good morning, sunshine. Did you rest well?

Duo Maxwell : Yep. It was a good night sleep. I mean, you are Lain Iwakura, correct?

Lain Iwakura : That's true! You finally remembered me, your own bride that you reclaimed!

Duo Maxwell : Could you tell me what is this place? Am I in a master's bedroom, is this where I...

Lain Iwakura : Of course, this is our home, you are welcome to be at here at the facility which is off the coast.

Duo Maxwell : My...What!? Who? What? Where? When? Why? HOW!?! Are you telling me that I'm actually living at a facility that you call it "Home"?

Lain Iwakura : Yes. To keep our secret away from society and people will never find out that we are secretly bounded.

Duo Maxwell : So after I was knocked out by Necrodeus's powers, does that make me feel...alive again? Did I revived? Was I brought back to life?

Lain Iwakura : That's right. The wires that I control had the power to restore you and save your life. I wanted to keep you safe from harm, and I had no choice but to ran away from Tokyo, two years after the incidents that were humans terrorizing New York and the Space Colony that tried to destroy the planet itself. So I brought you here at our home, where I restored your life and kept you safe and sound.

Duo Maxwell : So where's the kitchen?

(cuts to Duo entering the kitchen where Ichise is cooking)

Duo Maxwell : Hmm? Good morning, sir. But are you...

Ichise : Ah, Good morning, Maxwell. I am Ichise.

Duo Maxwell : Ichise? Are you another of Yoshitoshi Abe's characters.

Ichise : Correct. I am the obveser of Lain and guardian of this facility.

Alice : Long time no see, Gundam Pilot. Good morning, by the way.

Duo Maxwell : Hey, you're Lain Iwakura's classmate, Alice! And good morning to you. So what is this place exactly and how did I get here?

Ichise : This facility is for Yoshitoshi Abe's Home for his Characters, Yoshitoshi Abe Labs.

[My Room - Hideaki Kobayashi]

Duo Maxwell : A lab? This entire facility off the coast of Japan is some kind of Laboratory built above the water.

Ichise : And is also a place of residence where we call it "Home". This lab was once owned by your robot's creator, Professor G.

Duo Maxwell : Huh? How did you know about Deathscythe's creator, how did he know that this entire facility of the coast of Japan is really the lab where Deathscythe was built?

Rakka : Because...this place was built by a witch that is a master of art, science, and magic.

Duo Maxwell : That would mean one thing. A woman named Drawcia built and designed this place for all these researchers and residents. I mean how come one scienctist manage to have all his research to be here on this facility off the coast? Now it finally makes sense now, I remembered it all! This wasn't Yoshitoshi Abe's labs, It's Professor G's Labs! This facility was shutdown after Proffesor G's death, he used to own the facility and the residence, I'm finally getting it somewhere? So how long was I out for over a decade.

Rakka : You've been out for 5 years after the incident on Lain Iwakura's 14th birthday.

Duo Maxwell : So does that mean I was in a long deep sleep, I was restored with technology and this is how I give my thanks to a girl, who celebrated on her thirteenth birthday. But who designed this place that the facility was built like this? Who designed this place?

Ichise : Drawcia is the builder and designer of this Facility, but there was another that built the facility was an EVA pilot. A girl with red eyes and something said besties to Lain Iwakura. They are Japan's magnificent Psychological drama and thriller, she's a girl knows something about NERV and Angels.

Duo Maxwell : NERV? An EVA pilot built and co-design the facility and residence? Girl with red eyes, besties to Lain Iwakura, and something about NERV and Angels. I better go check it out to see if there's any clues of how did ended up at a place?

Alice : Well, there might be one, cause we know that Lain residing in this place was built and designed by her friend who nevers knows about NERV, but knows about Shinji and technology.

Duo Maxwell : Alice, Lain's classmate. Do you know who designed and built this entire place? This place is really huge! It's a place for residence and a hi-tech facility for all of you people that lived here. Didn't realize that you were only person that works around the place. That only reinforced of seeing Lain in this place where she brought me here. That's still a fact that I was the only person ever seeing outside what the coast looked like. But I wanna know answers about the facilities designer. You sure it's the second person that built and design this place?

Alice : Well, yeah. I found a photo of this woman with a witch's hat and another bestie of "Lain", she was the one of groupies we call it NGE, this one might be the closet one that Lain will ever meet. If I was not mistaken on any psychological occasions, then my suggestion this would be another crossover theory.

Duo Maxwell : So this woman on the photo. It's Drawcia and this girl?

Alice : Indeed. This one on the picture is the person who piloted a robot before you did, and she's popular on TV. You might find her in a magazine. But in other hand, I have another photo of her Lain. (Shows a photo of Lain and Rei)

*flashing images showing Rei and Lain*

Duo Maxwell : Yep. Lain's Bestie all right, and now I know who it is. Rei Ayanami. What a weird and mysterious character. I wonder what does she have to do with Lain as Bestie? This is the girl who also saved her life 5 years after I was attacked by floating skull's magical secptar.

~ Prologue 8 : Home of Monsters ~

[centrally-unplanned]

Today is the 20th Anniversary of the release of Haibane Renmei, which is a great time to post art. Good art, you ask? Oh the best - early 2000′s wallpapers from the dregs of the internet, of course! 

Nothing says “graphic design is my passion” like throwing black font on a black background because, like, its the Black Parade? It has to be black???

Another genre of Wallpaper at the time was the ‘anime + poetry’ blend, which Haibane was a poster child for:

Posted by “Knight Of Lain” in 2005 as their first wallpaper, King tier shit. This genre really died out by ~2010, but I think early internet had a lot of quasi-spiritual, “Christian-ish but I don’t like, read the bible ya know?” teens for whom Haibane’s ennui & iconography really hit home. Those people are either practicing capital-W Witches or Gwyneth Paltrow now.

Something I did discover when browsing DeviantArt was the people who uploaded “wallpapers” that were just screenshots? Of their desktops? So like their UI was still there, so you couldn’t really download it as a wallpaper:

At the time that would be frustrating, now its perfect Y2K-core vibes. “Posted in 2006″ yeah I gathered that, show me the Warcraft 3 mods don’t tease me like this!!

To diversify a bit, I did find this Winamp skin in the Museum, fully ‘flipped image’ and everything like how it was done at the time:

I find this particularly amusing because I know why it exists - Serial Experiments Lain was hugely popular with the techno scene for obvious reasons, so there are tons of winamp skins for that show, and Haibane is related to Lain, so even though Haibane shares like none of Lain’s aesthetic in that regard...why not right?

On the more professional side, Megatokyo Author Fred Gallagher absolutely did a Haibane-inspired sidestory in his webcomic in 2007! He loved the anime and I think its ‘genre’ was something he was trying hard to emulate in the late 2000′s:

Link if you want to read it, though the Haibane elements are more aesthetics than plot.

To end this a little meta, Haibane wallpapers, like everything back then, were built out of “constituent parts”, official art from scanned artbooks and promotional material, cut & recoloured in photoshop. One of the big source ones at the time came from this image, if I recall correctly:

Which is funny, because it kindof isn't from Haibane Renmei? That isn’t Rakka. Its from Yoshitoshi Abe, in a doujin he published in 1998 *called* Haibane Renmei, but it was extremely different from the show. Its just a collection of standalone art jumping between cute and gothic-creepy, and these angels live in modern Japan:

The latter creepy stuff is actually kindof funny, as you can tell this guy is definitely designing for Serial Experiments Lain at the time - which shares that sensibility deeply - but its an aesthetic that would barely survive in the actual product by the time the *true* predecessor doujin of the anime, Haibane of Old Home, would be released in 2001. But since so many Haibane fans *were* alt-edgy goth loving freaks due to how Haibane was situated & transmitted in western anime cultural spaces at the time (and its inherent themes, not taking that away), pulling from the extant creepy art out there was a natural instinct. So that og image just...became Rakka.

You can check out the 1998 doujin here in full if you want - if you are a fan of NieA under 7, the other anime based on one of ABe’s doujin, you will definitely notice some proto-characters for that story in this.

(Also since it has happened before, every art featured here is unironically great, their creators are great for making them. Cringe is dead, I love all of this) 

[absolutebl]

The Dark Side of BL

@weekendatennuis​ asked: 

Your BL curriculum breakdown today was *chef’s kiss* and the 10 cutest BLs was delightful but sometimes this little sunshine likes a little more heat and dark! 

Have you done a breakdown of the darker ones?

Ooo, thank you and this is interesting. Because I recently got Gaga, I’ve been working my way through their back catalogue which includes some of the most dark BLs ever made (Japanese, of course). 

How dark do you want it? Do you want a list of dark BLs that I still think are good and watchable? Or just a list of some of the darkest BLs ever? 

Here’s:

Top 10 BLs without an HEA still worth watching & 3 that will wreck you 

But these aren’t necessarily dark. However, those 10 are about what I would go with as my favorites. Since I don’t wallow much. I respect the need to wallow, though. So I guess I have to remove my taste and really play. 

I am not going to include betrayal shows (like My Bromance, In Between Seasons, Grey Rainbow, History3: Make Our Days Count where the “twist” is one of the characters dyeing unexpectedly) or the Doomed Gays of Chinese History (e.g. The Male Queen). 

Also, some of the following might not really qualify as BLs anymore. I did not include microfilms. If I remember where I saw it I included the source. 

The 10 Darkest BLs I’ve Ever Seen 

TRIGGER WARNING ON EVERYTHING!!! A lot of them are also VERY high heat. These are in order, starting with darkest/worst. 

1. The Shortest Distance series (Japan 2019-2020 GaGa) [1. The Shortest Distance is Round (Noir) AKA Saitankyori wa Mawari Kudokute; 2. The Shortest Distance is Round 2: Rain and Soda AKA Saitankyori wa Mawari Kudokute: Ame to Soda Mizu; 3. The Shortest Distance 3: Fallen Flowers AKA Saitankyori Wa Mawari Kudokute: Rakka Ryūsui] - OKAY SO this is the darkest BL I’ve ever seen, it’s so dark it pushes into absurdist. It gets to a point where you’re like: so he cuts off his own junk for love? Of course he does. What else would he do? It’s teacher/student, false accusation, hustler, explicit sex with multiple men, and includes abuse, rape, violence, and mutilation, possibly a few others as well. But seriously, by the final installment I was all *yawn* TRY to shock me, boys. 

2. Dangerous Drugs of Sex AKA Sei no Gekiyaku (Japan 2020 GaGa) - erm, right, so this is a suicidal man kidnapped right before he jumps and then kept and sexually tortured (high kink) by a doctor for... reasons. Explicit. Ends “happy” by some people’s standards. VegasPete the first installment. 

3. Double Mints (Japan 2017 GaGa) - codependency, murder gay, bullying, humiliation and torture kink, self mutilation, Yakuza violence, rape, attempted suicide. Ya know, whatever.  

4. Forbidden Love (Japan 2008 GaGa) - whipping boy trope, servant who grew up in the sinister mafia-esk family. Spoiled, rich, loose-cannon seme madly in love with the older, somber, moral-compass uke. Homophobic family, cheating, murder gay, incest, & necrophilia! Oh goodie.  

5. Boys Love the series (Japan 2006 YouTube) - murder gay, mild necrophilia, cheating, abuse, rape, and ends with suicide for love.

6. Boys Love the movie AKA Boys Love 2 Schoolboy Crush (Japan 2007 YouTube) - teacher/student, obsession, desperation, abuse, mutilation. 

7. Light (Taiwan 2021 GaGa) - ironically named movie about a street hustler (incest, rape, abuse survivor all depicted on screen) who falls in (and in love with) an undercover cop. 

8. A Round Trip to Love (2016 China YouTube) - 2 parts, obsession goes rotten in China’s favorite way: kidnapping, rape, and uke sacrifices himself into death for the sake of his abuser. Because how else could it possibly go? 

9. The Effect (Thailand 2019 YouTube) - classic uni-set Thai BL, seme falls madly in love with beautiful uke but it goes the way such kinds of obsession actually would in real life - into stalking, rape, abuse, accusations, and suicide.  

10. Red Wine on a Dark Night (Thailand 2015 DramaCool) - I think this might be meant to be a slasher flick but it comes of more as basically “baby is a murder gay” weeeeeee. 

Moody Arthouse Smackdoodle 

Some that are more moody and angsty and cerebral dealing with depression and the like with an edge of honest queerness. 

Your Name Engraved Herein (Taiwan 2020 Netflix) - this movie is fantastic but it is also seriously depressing, it’s a self acceptance journey, but if you wanna wallow in high quality acting and serious gay drama, this’ll do it. 

Goodbye Mother AKA Thua Me Con D (Vietnam 2019 Netflix) - like YNEH this is a great movie but it deals openly with homophobia, bashing, family trauma and social acceptance. 

For Love, We Can (Hong Kong 2014) - an indie movie about parental homophobia, light/dark pairing, and (of course) HIV. 

The Cornered Mouse Dreams of Cheese AKA Kyuso wa Chizu no Yume wo Miru (Japan 2020) - obsession, cheating, breakup, reunion, then break up again, explicit. 

Pornographer movie series - AKA The Novelist, Mood Indigo, Pornographer Playback (Japan 2018-2020) emotional manipulation, cheating, obsession, seduction, May/December (age gap AKA younger/older), kink, touch of necrophilia, explicit.   

Method (Korea 2017) - May/December, actor idol pairing, that should have been everything I wanted in life but it’s more about the actor cheating on his wife and their weird “artsy” relationship and frankly, I hated this. And I don’t say that lightly. 

Itsuka no Kimi e (Japan 2007 YouTube) - okay this is basically about a college student who saves this boy from drowning and then gets embroiled in his, and his identical twin’s messed up lives. It goes very weird.

His the series AKA I Didn't Think I Would Fall In Love (Japan 2019) - boy goes to visit his absent father ends up kinda homeless on the beach gets adopted by local family falls in love with the boy working and living with them. Lots of long drawn out glances. 

Innocent (Taiwan 2021 GaGa) - mental health, childhood trauma, actually kinda sweet. 

Okay But Make it Really BL-ish 

These are all more BL with a strong representative sampling of darker themes and problematic yaoi tropes. So if you are enjoying Utsukushii Kare then these are worth investigating. In thematic order. 

Does the Flower Bloom? (Japan 2018 YouTube) - bridging the gap to the arthouse style this is a May/December romance about an artist student and the house he inherits from his recently dead parents and all the people around him who are obsessed with him, including an older man. 

Takumi-Kun (Japan 2007-2011 YouTube) - series features all the problematic tropes and watches almost exactly like yaoi reads, the leads do have good chemistry, though. Includes incest, abuse, dub-con, and obsession.

Addicted Heroin (China 2016 Viki) - unfinished due to censorship but still very good, well acted and shot, high school set, rich kid falls madly for the genius poor kid in his class, starts an aggressive pursuit, includes kidnapping for love, obsession, stepbrother trope, plus some cheating. I love this one. 

Capture Lover (China 2020 Viki) - the ending is a touch confusing but basically this is the rich kid seme with nothing better to do, put to work in an office, falls hard for the strict boss, moves himself in and aggressively seduces him. Like a grown up Addicted. (Features Han Jing Chen, China’s Singto.) 

River Knows Fish Heart (China 2018 GaGa) - this BL managed to sneak by the censors probably because it’s not very well acted and low budget. It’s also in Addicted territory, only this time with the jock who falls madly for the nerd and then just moves into his house to takes over his life. The tsundere uke is VERY tsundere and the seme is hella pushy so it goes right into dubcon territory but also it’s very teen angst about it.  

Irresistible Love: Secrets of the Valet 1 & 2 (China 2016 YouTube) - 2 parts, I not-so-secretly love this BL. Kidnapping, whipping boy, obsession, mutilation, very hard fought happy ending (in one version). Absolutely classic Chinese BL pre-censorship. 

Legend of Long Yang AKA Rebirth (China 2017 GaGa) - whipping boy trope... literally, servant character takes the strap for the prince, who then makes him his bodyguard and lover when he becomes king. Low budget historical, comes off as kind of cosplay wuxia version of Irresistible Love, but we get (in the credits) an actual kiss, and they both live. So yay for small mercies. 

HIStory Obsessed (Taiwan 2017 Viki) - the softest version of the world’s most problematic yaoi tropes, while still managing to be those tropes. 

HIStory 4: Close to You (Taiwan 2021 Viki) the side dish plot is basically a pastiche of problematic BL tropes inherited from the above. Great chemistry, high heat, stepbrothers, dubcon, obsession, stalker etc... 

You might also try some of the ones I really loved but are only borderline BL (no cheese, no cringe, no smarm) 

Not Me (Thailand) 

Manner of Death (Thailand) 

3 Will be Free (Thailand) 

Triage (Thailand) 

Love Mechanics (Thailand) 

I Told Sunset About You (Thailand) 

Old Fashion Cupcake (Japan) 

Life: Love On The Line director’s cut (Japan) 

What Did You Eat Yesterday? (Japan) 

Restart After Come Back Home (Japan)

Blueming (Korea) 

Long Time No See (Korea) 

To My Star (Korea) 

Ocean Likes Me (Korea) 

DNA Says Love You (Taiwan) 

(source)

[swearingintengwar]

@sortinghatchats - Haibane Renmei

So I've got @sortinghatchats' character analysis system on the brain right now, and I decided to try applying it to Haibane Renmei, just to see what would happen! I'm using @wisteria-lodge's terminology and including both burnt and exploded houses. (SPOILERS below! Also, there's probably some headcanon mixed in here because Haibane Renmei is hard to analyze without throwing in some headcanon)

Rakka - Snake/Burned Snake w/ Lion model

More than anything else, Rakka cares about the people she loves. She's pretty clearly a Loyalist primary, but is she a Badger or Snake? I'm going with Snake for now, personally - her devotion to her friends is more personal than a Badger's more abstract altruism. She doesn't fall into depression because her community has lost a member, she falls into depression because she misses Kuu. She worries about Reki for Reki's sake. She wants a happy life with her friends, and damn anyone or anything who stands in her way.

Her secondary is a little harder for me to put my finger on since it's so burned for much of the show, but I'm seeing traces of Snake and Lion under there. When Rakka finds the wherewithal to take on a problem, she's reckless, impulsive, and to-the-point, spotting opportunities with a Snake's keen insight and jumping on them with a Lion's fervor. Ultimately her Snake feels deeper-rooted than her Lion to me, but I could probably be convinced otherwise!

Reki - Exploded Badger/Bird, probably with an array of models

Hoo boy, Reki's primary is not healthy. If "drowned" is another term for exploded Badgers, Reki's halfway down the Marina Trench. She outright states that she measures her worth by her service to others, desperately seeking salvation in the loss of herself when that's exactly what's keeping her down in the first place. Rakka's more personal Snake morality breaks that cycle by demonstrating to Reki that she's loved for who she is, not just what she does - another indicator that Reki's exploded. Explosion happens when you lean on one house too hard, after all, and when Rakka shows Reki that not everything runs on the Badger ethos, her broken pieces start to come back together.

Reki's spiel about how everything she does is calculated to purge her sin suggests a Bird secondary to me, and I get the feeling she's good at modeling too.

Hikari - Bird?/Badger?

Honestly, I didn't manage to get much of a handle on Hikari. I've got a couple guesses for her, though - she seeks knowledge and wants to understand the world around her, and grows frustrated when there's something she doesn't know. I'm getting "Bird primary who wants to double-check and refine her worldview" vibes off of that. She also likes to cook, sew, and generally work with her hands, which leads me to guess Badger secondary.

Kana - some combination of Lions and/or Badgers

I'll be frank here, I can't for the life of me pin down Kana's sort. ... Or put why I'm so torn on her into words. Gah. Words. Anywho, she definitely comes off as either Lion/Lion, Lion/Badger, Badger/Lion, or Badger/Badger to me, and I suspect whichever combination she ends up being she's got models for the others.

Kuu - Lion? modeling Badger/Lion

Kuu definitely feels like a Lion secondary to me. She's just earnest and straightforward like that.

Her primary is a little more elusive, but I'm going to guess Lion here as well. She models Badger with her cheery demeanor and love for humans, haibane, and animals alike, but given the triggers for her Day of Flight that's probably not her deepest self. Deep down, she wants to feel mature, which feels like an Idealist goal. Her early hopes to make others see her as not just a kid feel like a Lion in a way I can't quite quantify, so I'm going with that over Bird.

Nemu - Snake/Bird

Nemu's Bird secondary shines through early on. She's a planner and a researcher who rolls ideas over in her head for years on end until she finds where they click into place.

Her primary isn't clear until towards the end of the show, but when it does appear, it's a pretty clear Snake. Her loyalty has to be won, unlike a Badger's, but when she's decided she likes you she means it. Her relationship with Reki shows this off in full force - when they were young Nemu wouldn't take Reki into her inner circle, instead lashing out in anger and fear of the younger haibane's black wings. When circumstances forced them together, though, Nemu and Reki bonded to the point where Nemu flat-out refuses to take her Day of Flight until Reki's sin is absolved.

The Renmei Communicator - Badger modeling Bird, secondary unclear

I think secondaries are hard for me.

The Communicator definitely comes off as a Badger primary. He's serious and professional, and cares deeply about tradition, suggesting a Bird primary at first, but the reason he acts like that isn't because he feels that's inherently moral, it's because he cares about the haibane and modeling Bird helps him follow his Badger moral compass.

I'm drawing a blank on his secondary, though. He demonstrates all of them, and his stoicism and habit of always wearing a mask makes it nigh impossible to tell which he enjoys using the most. Maybe he's burned, maybe he's just really good at modeling. I've got no clue.

[docholligay]

And Rakka fleeing the scene is the half! 

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Coming up this week, we have ANGSTOBER, A visual novel stream called the Flowers of Autumn, Princess Tutu, a live read of Turn of The Screw, and more! 

[hatari-translations]

Daði Freyr - Kemur þér ekki við (Nothing to Do With You) - transcript/translation

Final Daði song from the backlog, requested by an anon - feel free to request more! I may do one or two that I happen to like regardless, but I’m not going to fill the blog with every Daði song unless someone wants them.

This one’s a collaboration with rapper Króli about the horrors and inanities of internet comment sections.

Icelandic transcript

DAÐI: Hættu að skipta þér af, þetta snýst ekki um þig Þetta bara hreinlega kemur þér ekki við Það er eitt að hafa hátt en annað að taka þátt Segðu það sem þú átt efni á

Býrðu í athugasemdum og þarft að deila skoðunum sem byggjast ekki á neinu? Við skulum hafa eitt á hreinu Þú þarft ekki alltaf að tjá falinn bakvið tölvuskjá Settu þig í annarra spor ef þú vilt nokkurn tímann sjá

Ekki vera rasshaus Reyndu að vera hlutlaus Það eru ekki allir eins og þú Samfélag er ekki maurabú Álit þitt er úrelt, já Ertu svolítið eftirá? Hvernig geturðu hugsað svona ennþá?

Hættu að skipta þér af, þetta snýst ekki um þig Þetta bara hreinlega kemur þér ekki við Það er eitt að hafa hátt en annað að taka þátt Segðu það sem þú átt efni á

KRÓLI: Hey, líttu í eigin barm Já, reyndu að skilja stöðu málanna Ég hlusta ekki á dónakarla, heigula og fábjána Lyftu mér upp, rúllugardína Rífðu mig niður í gangstéttina Ég þarf þykkari brynju og ég þarf að hætta að gúgla mig Ég þarf tölvuskjá og risagrímu til að túlk'etta ei Kaupi mikið ekki bullið sem þú kemur með Gölluð vara, hættu bara að vera rassafés En í alvöru, þekktu þína stöðu Ég er með milljón hluti uppi á disknum, haldandi á fötu með milljón litlum götum svo hún heldur ekki vatni Kommentin frá þér mér halda líka aftur Allir standa í deilu við innri sál Kommentin í raun bara rakka niður minni máttar Ég hata það, ég hata mig, en bara því þú segir það svo hættu því á meðan að ég læri að elska eigið sjálf

DAÐI: Þú verður ekkert að segja neitt, þú talar bara Þér getur ekki verið alvara Sumum ummælum er ekki vert að svara svo ég sleppi því

Hættu að skipta þér af, þetta snýst ekki um þig Þetta bara hreinlega kemur þér ekki við Það er eitt að hafa hátt en annað að taka þátt Segðu það sem þú átt efni á

Transcription notes

There are several bits of Króli's verse that I'm not sure on; this more or less makes sense but take it with a bit of a grain of salt. I've definitely got the basic gist. Daði should be verbatim.

English translation

DAÐI: Stop barging in, this isn't about you This just outright has nothing to do with you It's one thing to be loud but another to contribute Pot, don't call the kettle black

Do you live in comment sections and need to share opinions that aren't based on anything? Let's make one thing clear You don't always have to express yourself hidden behind a computer screen Put yourself in others' shoes if you ever want to see

Don't be an asshole Try to be objective Not everyone's like you Society's not an ant colony Your point of view is dated, yeah Are you a bit behind? How can you still think like this?

Stop barging in, this isn't about you This just outright has nothing to do with you It's one thing to be loud but another to contribute Pot, don't call the kettle black

KRÓLI: Hey, clean your own house first Yeah, try to understand the situation I don't listen to perverts, cowards and morons Lift me up, roll curtain Tear me down to the pavement I need a thicker skin and I need to stop Googling myself I need a computer screen and a giant mask to not internalize it Don't really buy the crap you're saying A faulty product, just stop being an assface But seriously, know your position I've got a million things on my plate, holding a bucket with a million little holes so it doesn't hold water Your comments hold me back Everyone's in conflict with their inner soul The comments are really just punching down I hate it, I hate myself, but only because you say it, so stop while I learn to love my own self

DAÐI: You don't have to say anything you just talk You can't be serious Some remarks are not worth answering so I don't

Stop barging in, this isn't about you This just outright has nothing to do with you It's one thing to be loud but another to contribute Pot, don't call the kettle black

Translation notes

Lots of figures of speech and other slightly complicated translations going on here, let's see.

Just to start with, the first line is "Hættu að skipta þér af". "Skipta sér af" is a phrase that means to insert oneself into something or get involved, with the connotation that it's not something you should be involved in or have a say in at all; I went with "Stop barging in" for that connotation, over "Stop getting involved" (which is usually more about involving yourself in something that'll negatively affect you)

The final line of that first verse is originally "Segðu það sem þú átt efni á", or "Say what you can afford" - this is another figure of speech, where if you "can't afford" to say something, it's because you're guilty of it yourself. I think this may sometimes be used that way in English, but I don't think it's as obvious what it's going for, so I translated it to "Pot, don't call the kettle black," using an English figure of speech that means the same thing.

"Ekki vera rasshaus" technically literally means "Don't be a butthead", but since "butthead" in English sounds very childish in a way that rasshaus doesn't (we don't have a distinction analogous to butt vs. ass; it's just rass), I just went with asshole. (The Icelandic word "rassgat", which actually means asshole, is not ever used as an insult; bizarrely, some people use it as a cutesy thing to call babies. I don't get it either.)

The first people Króli doesn't listen to are "dónakarlar", literally "rude men", but is specifically mostly a term for the sorts of men who post unwanted sexual and sexist comments, send unsolicited dick pics, and are otherwise gross towards women. I rendered it as "perverts" which doesn't quite encapsulate it but close enough.

[trashexplorer]

BLCD Review: No Color Baby

Title: No Color Baby (ノーカラーベイビー)

Author/Artist: Okuda Waku

Release Date: 2019/01/31

Cast:

Kumagai Kentarou x Saitou Souma

Itou Kentou x Saitou Souma

Itou Kentou x Sakai Koudai

Synopsis: Mashiro is beautiful, flamboyant and… loose. So what happens when spurned by his sometimes-lover, he meets a serious-looking guy who wants to treat Mashiro well…?

Review Proper

Been a long time comin’, No Color Baby! and all my other BLCDs I still haven’t reviewed Man, No Color Baby came out around the time that Yoidore and Kashikomarimashita, Destiny: Answer did, and I loved it because Daichi was up there with Sei-san and Kudou in the get you a man category. It’s a shame that it was so short, though. If we would have been given two volumes, then No Color Baby could have lived up to the hype I had over it. 😂 Ngl, I was pretty disappointed that we didn’t get an in depth look at Daichi’s life and more development for both their feelings because their feelings feel a bit shallow to make them have a relationship of that level that fast. We do have an extra that shows a little of Daichi’s thoughts in the Dear+ bonus, but it really didn’t sell it enough for me.

I know I shouldn’t compare them, but if Ogawa Chise was the one who made this, I think they’d put this all together better. But well, this is Okuda Waku’s first official tank, so I can forgive them for that. I hope Itonaga-kun is doing well as well as Anti-Alpha even though I have a huge feeling that they’re both going to end up in depression and or mind break. 😂 Geez, if Okuda Waku is really Ogawa Chise’s older twin sister, I really want to have a chat with their parents.

On the topic of the voice work, damn, Saitou Souma really be out there doing the maximum! I can’t believe he started this year like this! 😌 Bless. And omg? I listened to Utsukushii Kare before this and this was way different from the tone he used there, Rakka Ryuusui, and Theo! Goddamn! I haven’t listened to Itoshi no XL Saizu and Yoidore yet, but I’m all set on giving him the title of 2019′s Best Uke!

Kumagai Kentarou, on the other hand, did not disappoint! HE’S SO WEIRD! Listen, didn’t I say in my review for Ookami wa Kowakunai that he sounded like Ono Yuuki there? Well, HE SOUNDED LIKE MAENO TOMOAKI HERE WTF?! What is he? A chameleon?! I’m scared! But that’s the thing. If there’s one thing that I had an issue with on this BLCD, it’s the casting. Kumagai Kentarou did the best that he could, but he’s really not a good fit for Daichi. 😢 Try as he could, he didn’t grow on me. Again, I loved Daichi’s character, so I was very disappointed with the casting. Maeno Tomoaki’s range is so much lower than what I had envisioned Daichi to sound like. I know y’all might be sick of hearing me say this, but Katou Masayuki would have been perfect for the role! 😂 You have to understand that that man is Mister-Get-You-A-Man himself! If not Katou, then Shingaki Tarusuke since Daichi is, to an extent, Hara-san and Shizuma-kun’s predecessor. JESUS CHRIST, JUST LET SHINGAKI TARUSUKE VOICE ALL GET YOU A MAN SEMES. 😂 Satou Takuya could’ve filled those shoes nicely, too. Did they not have a budget for them? Cause that album cover sure is a clear sign of that.

As for the extras, Itou Kento did a pretty good job here as Kyouichi and I’m surprised that his voice fit that role well. I see that he’s improved as a seme, but Shiro ka Kuro ka which was recorded later than No Color Baby shows that he still has aways to go as an uke. Sakai Koudai needs more training imho. He’s a little stiff and he over-exaggerates. Nothing that time can’t fix, though, so good luck to him. 

Overall, we had an almost perfect plot; off the mark casting, but nevertheless, great voice work and chemistry; and it’s pretty loyal to the manga, so I guess it was an okay adaptation. *sigh* I was looking forward to this ever since it was announced, but the hype just died down. I probably wouldn’t be this disappointed if this was just a stand-alone BLCD, but the plot overall is in such a dire need for better execution. Sad.

[animebw]

Binge-Watching: Haibane Renmei, Episodes 7-9

In which my frustrations finally boil over, the symbolism loses me, and the characters never had me in the first place.

Lost in the Fog

I have run out of patience with Haibane Renmei.

It’s not like I wasn’t prepared for this possibility either. From the very beginning, I have struggled to connect with with show on any level deeper than symbolic intrigue. I didn’t find the characters that compelling, the plot was basically non-existent, the atmosphere left me exhausted more than anything, and the one thing keeping my interest was wanting to find out more about the world and what was really going on. And that has left this show on thin fucking ice, because the moment analyzing all the metaphors isn’t rewarding enough to justify the lack of investment elsewhere, I would be done. There would be nothing of interest left to keep me invested. So unless Haibane Renmei could keep raising compelling questions all the way to the end and answer them in satisfying ways, it was gonna run out of gas. And sadly, that moment has finally come. The aftermath of Kuu’s disappearance was this show’s chance to buckle down and justify the incredible patience it was demanding of me, and it just couldn’t pull it off. I have lost interest in thinking about these questions. I have lost interest in trying to piece together the meaning behind its symbolism. I have lost interest in trying to “figure out” what this show is trying to convey. Whatever the answers might be, they aren’t worth sitting through this show to get to them.

My Kingdom for an Answer

So what brought about my collapse of interest? A number of factors, really, all working together to strip my engagement away. On the most surface level, the symbolism itself is becoming so confusing and ambiguous that I’m having trouble figuring out what any of it’s actually supposed to mean. So, Rakka finds the corpse of a crow in a well, and somehow that crow is... someone she used to know in a previous life? How does that work? Are people just randomly turning into birds outside the walls? The way Rakka’s wings begin to turn black in grief over Kuu’s loss, it seems like crows might be just another evolution of Haibane in this world. Which would make some sense, as the Haibane are meant to be tied down to the earth while the crows fly free above all earthly attachments, so Rakka falling into despair and wishing to be erased from the Earth could be read as very crow-like behavior in how she tries to de-attach herself from the things that keep her bound to earth. Maybe the Day of Flight is the day the Haibane become crows and leave the earth behind. But then who was this other person Rakka knew who is now a crow’s corpse? It seems like this is supposed to be the same bird who tried to save her in her dream, but what was that even supposed to symbolize? Did this person try to stop her from becoming a Haibane? How did they end up a crow? Is the overseer telling the truth when he says he must be satisfied that he helped her remember her dream in the end? And why is it so important that she remember her dream in the first place?

Speaking of which, what’s all this business about black wings signifying that one is Sin-Bound? Apparently some Haibane are born cursed as a result of forgetting their first dream, so they can never have a Day of Flight and the town becomes their prison. Reki’s one such Haibane, which explains her comments about how everyone leaves her behind; she must have seen plenty of friends arrive after her and eventually take their Day of Flight with her still here. But she also tells us that the mark of being Sin-Bound were that her wings were black at birth, so... what gives? Is black the color of freedom and crows, or is it the color of being stained and burdened? There are so many overlapping metaphors going on that it all just squelches together into a lumpy gray paste, and you can’t tell where one motif ends and another begins. And no matter how many questions Rakka asks- and if there’s one thing I appreciate, it’s that she’s actually pretty consistent at actually asking these questions and trying to unravel the mystery herself- she never gets any closer to the truth. Who are the Haibane? What is their purpose? What happens to them when they leave the village? Either she’s straight-up stonewalled by the silent overseers, or she’s fed what seems suspiciously like propaganda from the otherwise pretty chill Communicator (seriously, props for lending her your cane and not chiding her too much for breaking the rules), or she’s given a vague, unsatisfying “Well, I guess you’ll just have to find the meaning yourself.”

But I’m tired of trying to figure this out by myself. I’m tired of scrambling in the dark with no idea what I’m even looking for. And every time I try to wrap my head around it, I just end up with even more exhausting questions. Why does no one ever seem to tell the Haibane about the Day of Flight until one of their friends gets whisked away and launches them into an existential crisis? Why does touching the forbidden wall make Rakka all weightless and disassociative? If Rakka realizes this town is no paradise after all, why is she so desperate to stay here regardless, especially after expressing such strong sentiments to return outside and find the person she left behind so she can apologize for leaving them? Christ, not even Penguindrum was this fucking obtuse. There’s a reason most people don’t try to write stories than function on almost wholly symbolic levels; if your audience can’t follow the language you’re speaking in by using these motifs and metaphors, they’re going to be lost, confused, and frustrated. Especially when that unique language is the only thing that has a chance of keeping them invested in the first place.

Oliver and Company Reference

But therein lies the deeper issue. I can spend all day talking about how frustrated I am by how little I understand what the show’s trying to say, but the only reason this ends up being such a big issue is that it’s the one part of the show that was actually interesting to me. I clung so tightly to it because I was just not invested in anything else. And if Haibane Renmei actually had managed to forge an emotional connection with me, I’m sure I’d be inclined to be a little more patient. I’d let the characters and their struggles win me over, stay connected to them, and remain hopeful that however the symbolism shook out, it would do their story justice in the end. But I just... do not care. I know so little about these characters, I know so little about the kind of people they are, I know so little about the fears and ambitions that drive them, and I just cannot connect to their emotions. Even after spending six episodes just basically living life with them, I feel like I’ve spent so little actual time with them. And when Rakka falls into despair over Kuu’s disappearance, all I can do is shrug my shoulders and say “Oh well,” because I have no reason to care about Kuu. I don’t know Kuu. Hell, out of all the central cast, she had some of the least time dedicated to exploring her character before she was sent up into the great beyond. I’m basically in the same position as the townspeople; yeah, it’s a shame she’s gone, but I didn’t know her well enough to care all that much.

And that just kills this entire stretch, doesn’t it? Rakka’s entire crisis of faith is perpetuated by losing Kuu, so our emotional investment in her despair is incredibly dependent on how invested we were in her bond with Kuu. But there was so little to their bond that there’s no way for me to care about Kuu being gone, and as a result, I have no way to empathize with Rakka’s pain. I can only watch her sink lower and lower, constantly pleading with the universe to see Kuu again, from a detached distance, wondering why this is such a big deal to her when we barely saw her and Kuu interact in the first place. We lack the emotional context for this conflict to carry any bite. And that same problem pops up with the weird “crow who was your friend in a past life” deal. Apparently, Rakka hurt this friend in some way, and remembering that hurt is so painful that she starts thinking of herself as a sinner and wishes the town would punish her. But how did she hurt him? Does she even know how she hurt him? How are we expected to treat this like a big deal when we don’t even know what the deal is? How can we care about how much this is affecting her when we don’t have any of the context necessary to understand why it’s such a big deal? Hell, we don’t even know if she has the context necessary to understand why it’s such a big deal. How fucking weird is that? If we’re not even sure if she knows why she should care so much, then what chance do we have?

The fact of the matter is, this show is far too ambiguous for its own good. It dives so heavily into abstract dream logic that it loses any grounding of emotional reality. It suffocates itself in aimless surrealism that cripples my ability to care about the participants in this drama, because I don’t have any of the context that might explain why I should care. So sure, I can note how Kanna deteriorates over the course of these episodes, how the bags under her eyes get heavier and heavier, how the spread of her black feathers represents her increasing guilt, how that one scene of her trying to chop them off and Reki stopping her is loaded with some pretty chilling self-harm imagery, how the random townspeople who approach her in the shop essentially commit microaggressions to her by cooing over her supposed status as a good luck charm instead of a person, but that’s all dispassionate busywork. It’s an observation from afar, disconnected from the emotions behind those moments, not the empathetic analysis of someone who genuinely cares about these characters and genuinely feels the pain these moments put them through. And unless this final stretch of episodes turns things around in a big way, Haibane Renmei and I are gonna stay on opposite sides of a filthy glass wall forever.

Odds and Ends

-This might just be my copy, but this episode looks... really fuzzy. Like, more so than usual.

-”Oh, sorry. It’s “her”, isn’t it?” Kuu is trans confirmed

-”But no matter what happens, I’ll be by your side.” I don’t trust that for a second.

-”One who recognizes their sin, has no sin.” That’s... actually pretty smart.

-And the moment the Communicator absolves her of her blame, her dark feathers vanish. Or was that a result of touching the wall? Hmm.

-Reki smoking with the statues for company was a nice touch.

Woof, that’s a shame. Here’s holding out hope that the last few episodes can pull this all together. See you next time for the end of Haibane Renmei!

[vitos-ordination-song]

from the way this scene is shot, I think that the Communicator was a Haibane who never received the blessing and took the Day of Flight. as he says “It is a quiet and peaceful but lonely life,” the camera lingers on him from different angles, drawing attention to him after all the slow panning shots. he also lives away from the humans and Haibane. if he’s the kind of person he’s talking about, then of course he would know what their lives are like.

I really like that detail for multiple reasons. it’s just really sad for one. even though the world of Haibane Renmei is soft, a place for spiritual growth, it can’t all be good. Kuu’s departure is the first time Rakka is faced with that. now there’s a threat of her friend going into isolation forever, and the Communicator having that fate makes it a more stark reality. 

I really like how the story’s logic mimicks life and religion. there’s all these rules you have to follow that you don’t understand, and things happen with no real explaination. you just have to accept it. but everyone has a place. the Haibane who aren’t blessed aren’t cast out. they have a place too. I love that the Communicator guides Haibane to a path he could never follow. it’s a very melancholy aspect of the story and makes his relationship with Reki deeper. he understands her very well and that’s why she rejects him, she doesn’t want to be understood that way. he’s a representation of the pain she tries to rebel against.

Haibane Renmei is a work that’s really helped me and given me a lot of hope and healing. but it’s also a representation of what I’m afraid of or what I feel like I’m on the brink of. I feel like that’s going to happen to me. eventually if I can’t figure this out, I’m going to have to live away from people forever. there’s a point when I’ll cross a line I can’t come back from. I can still play a roll in humanity, but I won’t ever reach the place of involvement like Rakka does. I don’t have a bird. and it almost feels like what I’d prefer. maybe I would be less of a bad person if I just knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that there was no point in fighting to belong. that that’s just not who I am or what I was made for. I could resign myself to that and be more of a service to others. I just have been feeling more and more like I’m on the edge of that.

[awesomelogicflip]

Family Matters Chapter 1

It has taken me a long time to get up the courage to write this. For many reasons, I’ve delayed and postponed the publishing of this book. Mostly because of its subject matter: Inko Midoriya. I can easily imagine the reactions I’ve already gotten from that name alone.

Disgust. Admiration. Curses. Maybe even a bit of hero worship. Its a name that stirs up many feelings and even more names. Monster. Destroyer. Invader. Hero. Idealist. Wild Card. The number of pedestals that she’s been put on or forced into as some see it, is as numerous as they are vague.

I think the main problem people have with her is that she is not a clean subject. Not Black-and-White and can’t be slipped into a slot that perfectly wraps her entire being up in a little bow. Coming off the heels of massive characters like All Might and All For One, it was undoubtedly hard for her to be put into one camp or the other.

Was she a villain? No, she saved lives. Was she a Hero? No, she’s taken lives as well.

To me though, she was my mother.

So many people have gotten caught up in the results of her actions that they’ve forgotten that most of the things blamed on her were far out of her control. From the activation of our family genes to the incidents during my time a UA to our fights against the Villain Alliance to the rise of the JJE to HIM breaking out of prison, were not her fault. I know no matter what fame or infamy that these events gave her and I, my mother would’ve rather had a normal happy life. Would’ve rather had me have a normal happy life.

Instead, we both had to become strong to face what was ahead.

-Izuku Midoriya, My Mother The Warrior.

Chapter 1

Seeing the scorched blown out front of the corner store, Yagi wondered if there was ever going to be a time in which he wouldn’t be shocked by the random acts of violence he had, would, and knew he’d continue to come across.

He sighed behind the smile he forced to make as genuine as possible for the cameras around which had been, before he’d arrived, trying to get a better look at the crime scene but were now squarely focused on him. Between the click-flash of photos being taken and the rush of questions from the news anchors trying to crowd around him, he was tempted to simply make a statement on how the situation was handled and exit as quickly as politeness would allow.

Hell, this wasn’t his scene. Heroic involvement had ended when the commission of the crime had and even more so now that the police were investigating but he wanted to offer a helping hand, especially considering who’s Hero Firm was involved. But he was here now and leaving as soon as he got here would cause an unnecessary media stir.

Giving the crowd a small wave of acknowledgment, he strode through the police cordon, and only barely managed to not completely halt when he got inside.

What he saw was enough to turn his stomach which was good, it meant that he wasn’t completely jaded but that was the only positive thing he could pull from the horrible sight before him.

The store was totally wrecked. Shelves of snacks and other things knocked over and scattered. Chunks of the cashier’s counter were smashed into pieces and in the very rear of the store, the refrigeration units were cracked with glass, warped by heat, scattered everywhere on the cracked floor glittering like little round diamonds among the debris.

It would almost be bearable to look at if it wasn’t for the bodies. Two boys, teens really, still dressed in their school uniforms were sprawled out over the shelves. With their closed eyes, Yagi could easily imagine that they were just asleep or out cold if it wasn’t for them being cut in half.

Cleanly sliced at the waist with a massive pool of blood under them.

With the shelves down, he got a clear view of the next victim who was... Male? Female? A body was all but planted into the far wall, clothes burned away and surrounded by scorch marks.

The last body was without a doubt the worst. The man was identifiable as a hero, his black and white checkerboard suit hanging loosely around his curled shriveled husk of a body. Yagi was grateful that it was a full body suit that covered even the face because he didn’t want another horrible sight etched into his memory to follow him to sleep.

He hadn’t known the young man well, he was a Member of the Rakka firm, One of Endeavor’s people CrossCheck. He didn’t know the young man’s actual name.

Endeavor, Japan’s Number 2 ranked hero, stood over the body with his usual scowl even fiercer that usual, and raised his head to look at him as he entered. Yagi wasn’t sure if it was his imagination, but it seemed that the flames that he wore dimmed slightly. The death of any hero was one the affected them all, even more so when you’re responsible for them and it was clear by his body language that he was just reining himself in. He wanted to lash out but had no target...at least until he showed up.

“What're you doing here?” He began as he stepped around the body, putting himself between Yagi and the rest of the store. “This is my scene and if you think-”

Yagi raised a hand to hold back the argument and was rather surprised that the Number 2 Hero actually stopped. “I’m just here to help. I was in the area when I heard the sirens.” He couldn’t help the second glance at CrossCheck and winced. “I’m sorry.”

Endeavor scoffed and looked away, his fists clenching even tighter and making the material of his gloves creak. “The idiot was supposed to be off duty. Don’t even know why he was here, damn it. He knew my rules and now...”

Yagi knew. While Endeavor called them ‘his’ rules, they were pretty universal for hero firms all across Japan. Interns were NEVER to patrol alone.

“What happened?”

The other man looked back at him with a glare, his mouth working as if chewing on something unpleasant. He sighed and then pointed at a old man with white hair that Yagi had passed right by without noticing. The man was being questioned by the officers over at nearby ambulance, a blanket around his shoulders. “A robbery gone wrong or just gone violent. The cashier, Mitsuki, over there was ringing up a customer when a young man and a young woman in hoodies and facemasks came in and told everybody to get down on the floor.” He waved in the direction of the two teens that had been sliced in half. “Those two were unlucky. According to our witness the our murderer at large simply cut them down as soon as they'd entered. No warning or anything.”

Yagi felt his blood run cold. There weren’t many who could just kill like that. His surprise must’ve shown on his face because Endeavor nodded. “Yep. And if it wasn’t for th-”

“Uh, Sirs?” They both turned to look at a female officer, who crisply saluted them then waved over to the backroom of the store. “We’ve managed to pull footage from the cameras.”

Yagi turned back to Endeavor. “You mind if I stay?”

The man’s response was another snort as he spun on his heel and made his way to the indicated place.

Yagi motioned for the officer to lead and with a grateful nod, she paused as they reached the battered looking door. The smell of burnt everything from the body on the wall, while not gone, was still strong enough to unsettle the stomach. “Do we know who did this?” He asked, hoping to distract her.

She jumped at his question but shook her head. “Not yet, All Might sir.” She twitched her head in the direction of the burned body just enough to indicate it but keep it out of sight. “We know that is one the girl. We’ll have to use dental records to ID her. We have an APB out for the other but...”

She didn’t say more. She didn’t have to.

The male was in the wind...for now.

When they got to the backroom, she stepped aside for him to get a view of the computer that sat at a desk tucked into the corner of the room among the shelves of products. Two other police officers with Endeavor looming over the one who was working at the keyboard, gave him enough space to see clearly. “We’re going to start, at least two minutes before the robbery.”

“Play it.” Endeavor snapped and with the click of a mouse, the video began. The camera angle was perfect and gave them all a full view of the entrance, Cash register, and the store as a whole. The second camera was of the backroom they stood in now, with a view of the door the led into the store proper.

“-ou boys better be planning’ on buying what yer readin’.”

The slightly balding owner, Mitsuki, was pointing squarely at the two teenagers who, Yagi hated to remember, were dead on the floor in the next room. The two boys were standing by the magazine racks flipping through ones they had in their hands. The one closer to the door, shrugged, mumbled something and waved off the old man.

It looked like the man was getting ready to kick them out when two people entered the store. A woman and a boy who couldn’t be even ten years old. From their similar green hair and facial features, they were certainly mother and son. The woman held her son close, guiding him to the fridge section in the back, past the teens.

“Whi-...on...nt?”

“-at one...”

The microphone wasn’t clear but snatches of what she was saying painted enough of a picture, a picture that that was even more solid after the boy pointed at a frozen ice cream treat of some sort and she picked it up. The pair made their way over to the counter and it was at that time the two boys lost interest in whatever they’d been reading and, putting the magazines up in the wrong spots, made for the exit

By all rights, in Yagi’s opinion, that’s where it should’ve ended. The obvious school friends should’ve left, the mother should’ve been able to buy the treat for her son, which, now that the pair were closer to the camera than anyone he could see that the treat in question was his All Might Special. It made him think back for a moment about the commercial he’d done for it more than a year ago now. ‘Red, white, and blue-berry’ if he was remembering the line right.

Then his attention was grabbed by a fast shadow of movement by the entrance, in the far left corner of the video. No one saw it happen. The boys were fooling around like teens do on their way to the door, with roughhousing shoves and laughs and the man and woman were focused on the purchase as the little boy was just beginning to pull the wrapper off.

The doors were thrown open with such force that the glass cracked and a new pair filled the space. The noise was enough to make everyone jump. With bulky gray hoodies and fully matching outfits of loose jeans, Yagi had a hard time at first figuring out who was who until the smaller of the two raised her hand and shouted. “ALL YOU DOWN ON THE FLOOR!!! NOW!”

There was the expected moment of disbelief which was followed after by GREAT and unexpected violence. Even with preparation, even with seeing the bodies first hand, Yagi barely held back the jump of surprise as the male stepped in around her and sliced his hand right at the school kids even as the boys were in the process of raising their own. His fingers wreathed in energy of some sort, lightning from the look of it and it smacked both boys clean off their feet and sent them crashing into a shelf right behind them. When their bodies settled, they did in two pieces. Neither moved after that and Yagi hoped that the shock had knocked them out.

The streak of power continued like a wave, knocking over row after row of shelves and smashing the refrigeration units in the back of the store. There was no sound from the video, the microphone was unable to record all the noise for the moment.

However what he saw next amazed him. The mother scooped up her child in one arm, who was screaming when the sound came back, and with her other, grabbed for the store owner. He had been nearer to the end of the counter and was dragged along as she ran for the backroom.

It caught the criminals off guard as neither of them reacted until she was just getting to the door.

“Where you going?!” The male shouted, coming around the destruction her created with his hand cocked back like he was about the throw a pitch. Energy...no, it was electricity, wrapped around his hand and he flung it just as the woman had let go of the owner and grabbed for the door. She’d been so close, Yagi was certain that had the villain acted just a second of two later she would’ve made it. Hell, if she had been alone, he was certain she’d have made it.

But between her just putting her son down at the same time, she was reaching slowed her just enough. Plus, the little boy, like any child in this situation, clung to his mother and so was holding her hand as the ball hit her square in the back.

Again the sound cut though in time with the flash as she and her son were smacked down as if they’d been shoved, the concussion that followed sent the two rolling across the floor in different directions. This put the shop owner into action and he hurriedly threw the door shut and locked it. Not a moment too late, as another cracking blast crashed into it.

The man seemed to struggle, looking from the mother to the son as if not sure who to help first.

“Pause it.” Endeavor instructed. The video paused with the old man in mid-scramble, the male villain in mid throw and his partner barely having moved up to now except to get, what he guessed was, a better view.

“The woman and her son?” He asked. From the fact that their bodies weren’t still on the floor, it gave Yagi a little hope.

The one of the officer’s nodded though his face was grim. “I was here when they were taken to the hospital. The mother in particular was in critical condition, last I heard.”

 The video continued and Yagi noticed right away that there wasn't a decibel of sound coming from the speakers. He found out later that the microphone had been blow out, the blast had been so close to it. The man charged for the door and the hero had to bite his tongue to keep from cursing. However, Endeavor growled his characteristic grumble. "Can't be 18, if a day." The criminal, in his rush for his victims, had not only closed in to the camera that gave them a better view but let his hoodie slip off his head. He was young enough to be a classmate of the students he killed but that's where any consideration of youth flew out the window. It was silent but Yagi could easily read the bellows and shouts from the way he blasted at the door, an expression of seething rage. When it was becoming clear that his Quirk alone wasn't getting through, he began to beat on it with his fists.

"Officer." Yagi said, putting a hand on the shoulder of the nearest police officer, a woman with a tight bun of hair pinned down. "Make sure to update the APB with this face before we leave."

If the other hero had a problem with him taking even this little bit of initiative, he didn't show it.

It was a movement near the counter that reminded the hero about his accomplice. The woman, possibly girl if the age of the male was any indication. She was leaning over the counter reaching for the cigarettes but froze, clearly seeing something that the camera and the man couldn't.

     If there had been a warning, Yagi didn't know. But a form crashed through the glass window closest to the counter, and in one smooth movement landed and body checked the girl. Half-bent over a counter, she had no chance to defend herself and was knocked clean off her feet and into a shelf. CrossCheck, his hero costume perfectly fitting him, was aware enough to not look at the criminal he'd knocked over and spun to face the other one. His right hand snapped up, palm up and forward. A huge circle of energy sprang up in the air before him. A black disc-shaped shield. Not a moment too soon. The other villain's reactions were just as sharp. There was no hesitation or pause. He just swung around, arm leading and fired.

The power hit the shield, which held the ball against it for a brief moment, then the color flashed to white and the villain's own attack fired back at him. Much faster than when it had come at the hero. So much so that, the man had to throw himself to the floor in order to dodge. The ball of electricity splashed against the door in an shower of sparks, buckling it slightly.

Yagi glanced over to Endeavor, the question obvious. The Number 2 Hero's ever present frown had etched deeper lines in his face at the appearance of one of those under him. "His Quirk is called Reflect. Any attack taken on his shield gets bounced back with twice as much force."

Nothing else was said nor did Yagi want anything to be said. The next minute of video led to the death of a hero in training. Even the police officers who were watching the video with them shared grim expressions.

CrossCheck was on the man before the sparks had touched to floor. His lunge carried him clear across the space between them. He not once lowered or dispersed the shield, instead using it at a battering ram to pin the criminal to the floor.

The blow was powerful and savage. Meant to take down right away before the criminal had a chance to adapt.

It had been working. Two more swings of the shield, the force of which was doubled as it changed color. The young man's face was bloody and there was a hazy unfocused look to it that anyone who'd ever really had their bell rung could recognize.  

Then CrossCheck stiffened in the middle of cocking his arm back, half turned, and looked down. He shifted his leg as if he'd snagged his foot in the debris around him. It was only when the hero in training actually stumbled that Yagi noticed that a hand was wrapped around his ankle.

The girl. He saw her now. She'd crawled from where she'd been thrown and had grabbed him while he'd been focused. As CrossCheck began twitching and then shaking, it was apparent to everyone that this was the moment when everything went wrong. His arms went limp, his shield present but with his sudden forced paralysis, useless.

The state of that young man's body must have been from whatever her quirk was. And no doubt it was painful, to what degree Yagi didn't know. The only pain he was sure of was the sting in his chest as he watched. And he knew it had to be worse for his fellow crime fighter.

In the time that CrossCheck was held in place her partner, face dripping blood and beginnings of bruises starting to color his skin, began to stand.

He raised a hand and the biggest electric blast yet flew right at the Hero. Somehow instead of striking him, most likely because of the beating that he’d been on the receiving of Yagi supposed, the aim was off and it caught the very edge of the shield.

The shield that was hanging low.

The energy rolled along the edge of the shield in the same way a glass filled right to the rim would hold that little bit more before spilling.

The shield turned black just as the power curved down its edge.

Right into the other villain’s face.

The video cut then.  The explosion that followed or the concussion that came with it too much for the kind of security camera that would be used by a convenience store.

“I’ll get the bastard.” Endeavor’s voice was the first roll of thunder before the hurricane makes land. All threat and menace. With a quick step, he marched for the exit but the stopped as if he forgot something. He turned a fierce gaze at Yagi and pointed. “He’s mine. If you find him, back off.”

He then left without another word. Yagi couldn’t blame the man for wanting revenge. A charge of his was killed but that wasn’t what worried the hero.

He took one last look at he blank screen, chewing at his bottom lip in thought. No, it was the condition of the villain still at large.

If he was somehow uninjured by that explosion, which he doubted then he was working himself up for nothing. Any criminal with any sense would find a place to lie low. Yet that face, the man’s expression twisted into such hatred, quickly shoved aside his hopes for a rational mind. Which made the more possible situation, that they were currently dealing with a desperate INJURED unbalanced murderer who was now doing God knows what.

It was that very idea that put an extra bit of speed into his step as he left the building to start patrolling the streets.

XXX

Darkness and cold. Drifting and weightlessness. No air to breathe or anything to hold.

That was all that Inko felt at first. A numb empty nothing that flowed across her being and clawed away at her rising consciousness. The more she became aware, the more information followed. Bit by bit, her senses came back. She felt gravity finally settle around her, her back pressed into the soft surface of a bed, a blanket over her. The chill on her exposed skin told of air conditioning and let her know that her arms were on top of the blanket, not under it like she normally slept. A tightness on the back of her skull and a pressure on her face was another warning that something was off.

A steady thrum from deep in her chest was matched by a noise that felt distant yet closer than she thought as if hearing through a long tunnel. Then someone somewhere turned up the volume and she was able to clearly make out what it was.

-EP.

HISS.

BEEP.

HISS.

BEEP.

HISS.

BEEP.

She moved to turn off what she thought at first was an alarm or rather...she tried. Barely had she worked her unbelievably tired muscles to move her body in the direction of the sound when pain lanced through her. White, hot, and pure, the darkness before her exploded into fireworks.

The pain made her open her eyes and, after laying still until the fire searing all the way to her bones cooled, it took her bewildered mind a long while to figure out that the white void before her eyes was a tiled ceiling.

The realization came upon her suddenly and violently, not as a comforting revelation but a hollow horrific flash that yanked her sluggish mind up by the neck and throttled her. With it, all details that had been distant snapped vividly into place. The beeping was a heart monitor.

The hissing? A breathing machine.

The pressure on her face and head? The strap and warm plastic of a breathing mask.

The bed? A hospital one.

Opening her mouth, which felt dry and filled with too much of her tongue, she coughed. Doing so made her whole body throb and the sound that came out was raspy and scratchy.

“Oh my god.” The unexpected voice just next to her would’ve made her jump if she’d had the energy. Instead, she twitched as a familiar face came from her left to peer over her. Mitsuki Bakugo’s expression was a mix of things, shock mainly as her hand covered her mouth. It was around that moment that Inko realized the gasp she’d heard wasn’t her own.

“I’ll get the nurse.” Another voice, Masaru’s she realized, quickly said, followed by the sound of quick footsteps around her and of a door opening.

“Stay with us, Inko.” Mitsuki pleaded, her red eyes looking at her with more worry than Inko had ever seen from the woman in the years she’d known her. She felt the woman’s hand close around her own as if she needed to hold her in place to keep her here.

The open concern was a relief...

...at first.

Then worry followed and it made her stomach twist into knots as it slowly hit her that she hadn’t really seen herself yet. She could barely turn her eyelids in any direction without pain coming in like a slap across the face and the numbness was fading so SO slowly. With a cold vice closing around her heart, she began to think of what she would do if the numbness went away but left something...lacking behind it. What could she do if something was missing?

What had happened to her? She wasn’t given time to search her memory before the footsteps came back followed by more than one set. For the next few minutes there was nothing but frantic activity around her. Too many voices, too many questions, too much to try to process. She squeezed her eyes shut and tired to block out the sound as her head began to throb. She just needed a moment to think about what happened. How did she get here? What time was it?

“Mrs. Midoriya?” This was a new voice. Male and tentative. The speaker leaned into view and judging from the lab coat, he was the doctor. A man with an obvious quirk, his ears were the shape of a stethoscope and his salt and pepper hair was combed over in just the right way to barely hint at a bald spot.

He also had what Inko had to assume was supposed to be a comforting smile on his lips. It wasn’t comforting at all and didn’t help the worry building in her stomach. “Ah, Mrs. Midoriya. Good. Good. I apologize for the disturbance but we are glad to see you’re awake.” He pulled a clipboard from under his arm. “I understand you probably have questions but first, can you speak?”

She tired to say ‘Yes’ but instead of words, a dry croak left her throat.

Luckily, that was all it took to communicate to the doctor that she couldn’t. “Okay, here’s what I’d like for you to do, Ma’am. I will ask you some simple Yes or No questions. Just blink once for Yes, Twice for No. Can you do that for me?”

She blinked.

“Good.” The Doctor said, writing something down on his clipboard. “My name is Dr. Shirokuro and you are in Musutafu General Hospital. Do you understand?”

Blink.

Another mark. “Can you move?”

Two blinks.

“Is it because of the pain?”

Blink.

“Do you know what happened to you?”

Inko was about to blink twice, she hadn’t had time to mull over the blank spot in her memory, when the blank filled in. The store, the attack, the pain, IZUKU!!!

She sat straight up and the room began to tilt in response. Her vision flashed white as the pain savagely reminded her of its existence Her skin burned as every muscle and fiber and joint screamed protests but she grit her teeth and bore it.

Dr. Shirokuro jumped slightly, mouth dropping open. “Uh, Miss- Ma’am! You must lay back down! Your back-”

His frantic face paled as she snatched off the oxygen mask and spoke, her voice barely recognizable as her own. Her tongue felt like lead, thick and heavy but she forced her words out.“Wuh...Where i-is muh...my son?”

“Ma’am, you need to-ulp!” His words were ended with a yelp and splutter as Inko reached out and snatched the man by the collar and with strength that surprised both of them, she dragged him towards her until he was bent at the hips over the rail on the hospital bed and looked him dead in the eyes. He needed to understand that her bed could be about to fall of the edge of a cliff right now and it wouldn't matter if she fell or not until she got her answer  “Whe-re is meh...my son?”

There must have been something in her eyes because Shirokuro, rallied his mouth. "Your son is-"

Inko, so focused on listening, she didn't hear the short commotion in the hall but the doctor did and glanced to it. A flash emotion washed over the woman. She was so close, not even a full sentence away but this...this idiot couldn't even complete the sentence without getting distracted. Even with her so close that she was right in his face? Demanding it?!

The bundle of feelings in her mind uncoiled into...something she didn't recognize and even as frantic as she was she didn't like. Yet, they came upon her in that moment like a tidal wave and washed away at her hesitation. Hands trembling against the collar, she settled into the foreign yet somehow familiar thoughts as if she'd suddenly gained a new perspective on some idea she'd known all her life. This man wasn't taking her seriously. When someone demanded an answer, did anyone with the slightest bit of respect for the one asking answer the question halfway? No. She just needed to-

“Mommy!” The door slammed open and in that moment, not only did those thoughts flee but she let go of the man's collar.

Izuku, small hospital gown fluttering, sprinted in so quickly, she barely had time to react as he clambered up onto the bed and threw his little arms around her. The blooming pain in her back from the jostling had nothing to do with the tears building in her eyes as she hugged her son back. Her little boy was alright! She couldn’t help but see the red zigzag-ing lines on his left hand going halfway up his bare arm but he was up and talking and ALIVE.

Her little boy was alright. Inko couldn't stop the tears spilling down her face not that she would've tried. Her eyes burned, her body ached in ways that warned her to stop what she was doing but she ignored the way her muscles twinged and pulled her son closer into a hug.

He pulled back from her with tears running down his round face and soaking into his own hospital gown. Her little boy was alright. That was good...great...yes. Now that the fear was gone, things were becoming just a little fuzzy. The bed began slowly turning under her. She tried to tell whoever was pushing the bed to stop but her mouth suddenly wasn’t working at all.

“T-they told me you weren’t waking up and-and-and...” Inko wasn't quite able to read his expression as he looked up at her but that didn’t matter. “M-Mom-my?” Her little boy was alright. He was walking and talking so that meant...

“Mrs. Midoriya?”

Her...her...little...

“Mommy?!”

...boy...was...

“Nurse! Get him ou… f here-”

“MOMM-”

Alright...

XXX

"MOMMY!! MOMMY!"

Izuku's wails tore at Mitsuki’s heart. The boy was wailing, inconsolable as a her and a nurse had to pull him from Inko's arms. What made it even worse was the woman, her friend, was slumping over so slowly. Her face which had been so sharp and then so happy to see her son, was going slack as if deflating. The doctor with the help of a few other nurses he was calling in rushed to her side and helped lay her down and my god, Mitsuki had never seen Inko look so small. So fragile. All the while, Izuku hadn't stopped crying, struggling and pulling with all his might against them to get to his mother. To her and probably the nurse's shock, he was actually gaining a little ground, little bare feet somehow gaining traction on a tile floor with two full grown women holding each arm. Had he always been his strong?

It was Masaru who'd been the deciding factor though. He swept Izuku up into his arms and carried him out. The boy's cries reached a new pitch of desperation Mituski knew in her soul no child should ever make. It took the work of two other nurses, her husband, and her to get him back to his room in the pediatric ward. Somehow, Izuku had managed to not only get out of his room but find his way to Inko's room near the ICU, another surprise to her since she'd never have found her way to his without the staff guiding the way.

Luckily, and Mitsuki felt a pang of self-loathing at the thought, Inko's boy had cried himself out. She sat with her husband on a pair of overstuffed yet somehow still very uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room that was near between both rooms. Masaru had his head in his hands, glasses pinched in his fingers and she was near to tears. This couldn't have happened to two people who deserved it less. There were no updates about Inko and a horrible thought came to her, one that brought back another bit of loathing for even considering it and a pang of sadness so great that she caught herself clutching at her chest. Would she make it? People had survived worse, she knew of many stories of people surviving falls from high places, bullet wounds through the head, or any number of things. What those stories rarely covered though was the life of the victim after. If Inko did pull through, would she even be able to live normally?

"It's been two days."

That comment put the brakes on her grim thoughts. Mitsuki looked at her husband who was still bent into his palms as if it was some kind of prayer.

It had been two days since the attack. The first she'd been made aware of it was on the TV that day, a day which had turned surreal as a call from the hospital informed her that her Best Friend and her son were in Urgent care, the former in critical condition. They'd come as soon as they could but were directed away when they first arrived, and now this afternoon with it's roller coaster of events happened. Now here was her husband stating the time that had passed as if she hadn't been here for it. She was about to say so when he raised himself up from his hands, a coolness in his eyes she'd never seen before. It wasn't for her, not even when he turned to meet her eyes. No, her husband was clearly angry...but not at her.

His next words had made it clear just who he was angry at though. "So where the hell is he?"

It was said like the curse it was and Masaru’s out of character near swear had the effect of stirring a little heat in her chest. If she were honest with herself, it had been a thought she’d been avoiding.

The ‘He’ was Inko’s husband. Wherever he was, whatever he was doing, it wasn’t where he should’ve been doing what he needed to be doing like being here for his family. Mitsuki didn’t know what Inko’s husband did for a living. ‘Working abroad’ was all that Inko had ever disclosed and she’d never pressed the woman for more details. It was clear that the man was providing for his family at a great sacrifice. Until today, she’d actually admired the man for his dedication. To be so far away, all to be a good man of the house.

Now, however she was wishing she’d had. It had better be something damn important because this situation was inexcusable.

There was no way the man was unaware, between everyone who had his contact information which included calls from the police and the hospital. She had no doubt that calls had been made to the company he worked for too. The only fucking way anyone could do any better in getting the man’s attention was to carve a message into the goddamn moon.

And at this point, she was starting to doubt if that would even get his ass in gear. If it were her and she ever got a phone call like the one she’d made to his phone, her ass would be in a plane seat so fast it the friction would light it on fire.

His absence was now was like salt in the wound. “I don’t know.” If Inko recovered, Mitsuki wasn’t even sure if she should tell her or let her figure it out by herself. No, she’d tell her. A realization like that shouldn’t be suffered without friends around. And Izuku...Oh, god. How would Inko even begin to explain that to him? She imagined trying to even broach the subject with Bakugo and she had to physically shake the idea off, it was so depressing.

If she didn’t make it though...

That thought lingered with her even as visiting hours closed out and the two of them were courteously shown the way out.

It must’ve followed Masaru as well because when they picked up their son from daycare, he gave an extra long, extra big hug and then on the way home, between the two of them picking their words carefully, they began to explain where they had been going for the last two days and why when he saw  Izuku he’d have to be extra nice since he’s had a hard time.

Either way this went...they’d at least be there for the Midoriya family, no matter if only one member walked out of that hospital.

XXX

There was no gentle floating this time. There was only the sensation of falling, a void of black speeding past her as she tumbled through an empty nothing. The only way she was even able to recognize that she moving was the streaks of white lines that passed before her eyes in chaotic swirling curves. She flailed her arms wildly in a vain hope to catch herself. Nothing happened as she tried to call for help. Her voice was silent even though she knew she should've been screaming at the top of her voice. Then...the white lines began to shrink, resolving into dots and the sinking sensation of plummeting stopped.

However, the decelerating descent became a peripheral concern when the realization hit her that the dots surrounding her were stars.

But that was insignificant compared to the massive orb that loomed above her. Even as she looked at it, she knew that it was a planet but it was unlike any she'd ever seen in a textbook. It was so crimson that if it hadn't been for the streaks of yellow that she could only guess were clouds or land or something, it would look more like a giant ball of blood hanging in the void of space.

That's where she was, it had to be.

She felt the heat before she saw the flash, it was as if someone had shined a light directly into her eyes while walking into an oven. What had just happened...what-

CHU~

There was no slow pull out of the light closing in around her, just a snap to alertness as the pain and wooziness broke away like a hangnail. She straightened, half-sitting up and was just recognizing the sensation against her cheek as lips, which pulled away as she flinched awake.

“Looks like I got here none to late, dear. Looked like you were having a nightmare.”

Still trying to adjust to the sudden explosion of clarity, Inko slowly looked to the voice next to her hospital bed. “Huh?” The question tumbled from her mouth as she registered who it was. She knew this hero, a name big enough that even she knew her name

The elderly woman looked down at her through a visor attached to a pink helmet, a white lab coat open to slightly show a more colorful outfit underneath.

Recovery Girl.

“Good morning.” The woman greeted kindly. “A little confusion is expected after what you’ve gone through, dear.” She began, leaning her slight weight into her syringe-shaped cane. “Sorry for being late.”

“Sorry?” While she was now alert, her brain was still trying hard to catch up with her mouth.

“I should’ve been here yesterday but things have been hectic for the last week.”

"Yesterday?" If Recovery Girl was irritated by her echoing, she didn't show it. In fact, she gave her a gentle smile. "Don't worry about that. I'm here now and I suspect you're quite thirsty." The woman nodded, only now noticing that her tongue was dryer than she’d ever remembered and a the small pressure in the small of her back.

The hero moved to the side table next to the bed and picked up a cup. Coming back to over to her, she hesitated for a moment. "I must ask this so please don't take offence but do you need help to drink?" Inko shook her head, gingerly reaching out for the cup, taking it from the woman's hands and being care not to spill it as she sipped. The water was lukewarm, she noted but to her parched throat it might as well have been the spring runoff from the snow melt it was so refreshing.

The hero's smile brightened, as Inko set the now empty cup down. “Good. You’re able to hold down water.” She took a seat on the doctor's stool nearby, all good cheer and almost motherly presence. "So first things first? Any lingering pain?"

With her tongue moistened and brain finally catching up, Inko took a moment to check herself. She moved robotically, first flexing one hand then another, and then moved her arms. It was when she began moving her left shoulder that a sting shot across it and, as if the nerves were following a road-map, ran a path down her back to her left hip and ending at the meat of her left thigh.

Her wince must of shown because she got another nod from the hero but her smile was less cheerful. "Well, that is good. Pain is a good sign." Standing up, she went over to the foot of the bed and picked up a clipboard. "Dr. Shirokuro, who I should mention I'm very annoyed with that he started questioning you when you were in such a state, informed that you remembered what happened. Do you still remember?"

She did. It wasn't hard. "There was a robbery. The details are a bit fuzzy though."

"Take you time, dear." Recovery Girl soothed, flipping a few pages. "I'm not here to take a statement, that is a job for the police. I just want to make sure that you can recall." Her lips pressed into a line which tightened the wrinkles on her face as she stared on what was on the page. It was enough to make Inko nervous. "The reason why the pain is good is because you and your son were on the receiving end of a massive electrical attack. I checked in on him first and neither of you haven’t suffered any nerve damage which is a good sign for injuries like these.”

As she said this, she flipped the clipboard around so that what had removed the smiled from her face could been seen. Inko's jaw dropped.

It was a set of two pictures. One of what she knew was her back and another of her thigh. The angry crimson scar on it stood out, an angry inflamed red. Like a bolt of lighting mixed with frost, it started as a central splash right at the top of her shoulder that spread in cracks and branches some of which ended in red tendrils so thin that the could’ve been drawn with a pen. It curved along her hip and to her side which ended at her thigh. The picture of her back didn’t have a good angle on it but the other one did. The jagged shape was stamped there, tiny cuts and scrapes having opened up tiny wounds. It took her awhile to find her words and when they came she couldn't hide the waver in her voice. "How did that happen?"

"I won't mince words. Your cell phone saved you life." She began, lowering the pictures to the sheets. "The shock was dispersed and your cellphone took the brunt of it. It exploded which is why you have cuts on your thigh. By all accounts, if you hadn't had it, all that charge would've passed through you heart or some other major organ."

Inko glanced at the pictures again, not liking the idea of some as simple as a cellphone having been the only thing that kept her alive. A shiver ran up her back. Nope, she didn't like that idea at all. She continued to look and something caught her eye about the photo.

"Unfortunately, I can't help with wounds that are deep, Mrs. Midoriya. Some I can completely heal but even so there are remnants of it left." The hero continued speaking and Inko was listening but...she picked up the picture of her back and peered hard at it.

Something was on her, a brown strip lay flat across her right hip, in her initial shock she'd passed it off as a piece of cloth but it just didn't look right.

"...seems like you can handle some visitors." The hero's voice came back into focus and Inko twitched in surprise. Looking up, she saw the woman had the smile again. "Someone has been quite frantic to see you."

Recovery Girl made her way over to the door and opened it just enough to stick her head out. “You can come in now.”

She stepped aside and Izuku shuffled quietly in with a nurse in tow, looking more nervous than she’d ever seen him. His green eyes looked to her the to Recovery Girl as if asking for permission, his hands working at each other.  The hero gave him an encouraging nod and Izuku inched closer, clearly afraid of doing something wrong.

Inko helped her son up as he got to the bed and held him in her arms. This time there were no words from him, she could feel his little body trembling against her, hear the muffled sobs, she could feel the same pain.

“I’m awake now, “ She soothed, patting his head. “And I’m not going anywhere.”