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dramaticsnakes · 4 years

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A drowsy morning

I wrote all of this today and I don’t know if it is any good but have some shameless moceit fluff with a hint of hurt/comfort anyway.

Ship: Moceit

Word count: 1918

TW: A bit of self-deprecation, but otherwise nothing I can think of. Let me know if I missed anything.

Summary: After a night of rushed and significant confessions, Patton wakes up in the morning with a certain fractionally fiendish fibber by his side.

Patton woke up groggily, feeling uncommonly safe. There was something warm and heavy around his waist, holding him close. His heart beat a little faster each passing moment, and his cheeks were so incredibly warm.

His heart skipped a beat, once he remembered exactly who it was, that was holding him close. When he remembered why. He inhaled and turned his head slightly. Janus was lying right next to Patton, his eyes closed and his breathing soothing. The scaled half of his face was pressed against the mattress, and his expression was so much calmer than anything Patton had ever seen. It was a mesmerizing and beautiful sight. He wore a soft yellow pyjama, that exposed some of the scales on his neck. He wasn’t wearing a hat, and his hair was uncharacteristically messy. He was still wearing his gloves, and Patton wondered if they were uncomfortable to wear when he was asleep.

Patton remembered the night before. It was a fuzzy mess of confessions, apologies and gentle touches. He remembered the soft touch of Janus’ lips. Surprisingly calm and undemanding at first, until Patton clearly and passionately reciprocated. Patton felt his heart flutter and his entire body growing lighter at the thought. Every part of himself doubted that it had been real. That it hadn’t just been a vivid daydream, or the product of staying in his room for too long. Yet, right there next to him, the proof was sleeping soundly.

At least, Patton thought he was sleeping.

“Good morning, my darling.” Janus cooed. His tone was drowsy and intimate, and the words alone were enough to make Patton melt. My darling.

Patton had been too caught up in his daydreaming to notice, that Janus had opened his eyes. They were attentive enough, for Patton to momentarily doubt, they had ever been closed in the first place. “G-good morning.” Patton said, unable to hide his genuine smile. He didn’t want to anyway. “I didn’t know you were awake.”

“I’ve been awake for a long time.” Janus said, his expression turning more contemplative. Then he smirked, “Not that I was watching you or anything, but it would appear you were watching me.”

Janus had the ability to make every single word he said sound like they held an incredible significance. Maybe Patton’s own feelings affected that perception. “I-I’m sorry. I-“

Janus laughed, and it was a wholly pleasant sound. Like music you couldn’t help but sing along to. “After everything that happened last night…” Janus whispered, moving a little closer. Patton felt Janus’ warm breath, brushing the side of his cheek. It made him shiver, but not in an unpleasant way. “You really think that would be an issue to me?”

If Patton wasn’t already blushing, he certainly was now. “I… I guess not.”

The arms around Patton’s waist became increasingly obvious to Patton, as Janus’ grip only seemed to tighten. Patton remembered the night before, and how one half of Janus had been so much colder than the other. Patton remembered how Janus had tensed up when Patton pointed it out, until Patton mumbled into the embrace how he thought it was kind of nice. He did. It was new. Just like every part of Janus, Patton discovered each moment they spent together. Janus wasn’t cold anymore. “Cat got your tongue?” Janus asked.

“No. A snake did.” Patton said without thinking.

Janus looked surprised for a moment, and Patton could’ve sworn he saw a shade of pink on the human side of Janus’ face. His breathing was shaky, as he smiled. “Did it now?”

Patton paused as he looked at the clock. “I should get up…” he said, his voice silent and sheepish.

Janus paused, as his grip loosened slightly. “Do you want to?”

Patton looked at Janus who was staring at him intently. Patton couldn’t quite read the expression, but the way Janus said it was so matter-of-factly. As if it was the simplest question in the world. “I should get up and make some breakfast for the others before they wake up.”

“That wasn’t what I asked. Do you want to get up?” Janus tried again.

Patton stared at Janus’ mismatched eyes, the curve of his lips and the pretty scales paving his cheek like clouds in the sky on a comfortable summer day, and a part of him concluded that no. He didn’t want to. “Not really.”

Janus’ grip tightened once again, and Patton felt protected. As if he could stay in that position forever. “Then don’t.” Janus said, simply.

“I have to-“ Patton said.

“No, you don’t.” Janus said, “They can cook their own breakfast. They don’t even really need to eat. We’re metaphysical human beings.”

“Bu-“

“Patton, there is no harm in staying a bit longer.” Janus said, and hearing him say Patton’s name so casually, was incredibly addicting, “You are allowed to practice a little selfishness. I thought we established that.” After a few moments of silence, he shrugged and added, “Besides. You keep me warm.”

Patton looked at Janus, lips parted. “You’re so beautiful.” He breathed.

Janus inhaled sharply, though Patton couldn’t tell if it was surprise or something else. He avoided eye contact, which was unlike the previous parts of their conversation. “So are you.”

Patton looked at Janus’ face as he was looking away. There was something restrained about it, but the blush was no longer subtle. Patton’s eyes fell upon the lips once again and he remembered how they had felt the night before. He remembered all of the fuzzy feelings inside of him, as a homely bitter taste reached the edge of his tongue. He was hit with an overwhelming urge. “May I… May I kiss you again?” Patton whispered, as if he didn’t want Janus to hear.

Janus turned to Patton again, eyes darting to Patton’s lips. He let go of Patton for a moment, leaving the warmth in Patton’s stomach twisting around, as if it was missing an outlet. Then, Janus used his free hand to trace Patton’s chin and cheeks. “Yes.” he replied.

And Patton obliged. He closed the space between them, and the kiss was gentle and drowsy. Janus tasted differently in the morning, but it wasn’t unpleasant at all. It reminded Patton of the birds singing, and a cup of freshly brewed cinnamon tea. He could feel Janus’ heart near his own, beating in a steady and comforting rhythm. Janus’ hand was still placed lightly on Patton’s cheek, making it easy to pull away if he wanted to, but so much more appealing to stay. Patton was the one who pulled away, because he initiated the kiss and felt like it was his job to end it too. Janus’ lips were still parted. He opened his eyes and looked at Patton with a reflective fondness. Patton broke the silent and tender moment with some words he’d been afraid to say. “What does this mean?”

Janus’ eyes didn’t leave Patton’s. “What does what mean?”

Patton licked his lips and gestured between Janus and himself. “This.”

Janus’ expression became deeper. Darker. There was a hint of melancholy and awe in his eyes. Then he sighed deeply. “I don’t know.” The words sounded so truthful and certain, that it almost caught Patton off guard.

“So… We like each other.” Patton said, “Romantically, I mean.”

Janus let out a soft and dry chuckle, that made Patton’s heart flutter once again. “That’s true.”

“And that’s gonna… Snake a while to get used to?” Patton tried.

Janus smiled fondly, “Ah yes… I am terrified, but I couldn’t froget it if I tried.”

Patton giggled as Janus humoured his puns. “And the others… They’re not… Roman is…” Patton trailed off. What was he supposed to say? There was still tension everywhere he went. He was being ignored. Rightfully so. He would cook in the morning, leave it on the kitchen counter, and it would disappear throughout the day as soon as he left. No one was okay, and Patton didn’t have a single clue what to do about it. “They wouldn’t accept this uhm…”

“Relationship?” Janus finished, and while the word was noncommittal and unspecific, Patton couldn’t help but blush at it.

“Right.” Patton said.

Janus looked like he was deeply contemplating the situation, staring at the ceiling. Patton hesitantly reached for the other’s hand under the covers, and the touch was absentmindedly accepted. The gloved hand was silky and nice to the touch, though Patton couldn’t help but wonder what the skin underneath would feel like. “Well…” Janus started, “We could do the whole… Secret thing.”

“What do you mean?” Patton asked.

“You know, stolen glances, sneaking into each other’s room in the dead of night, intimate whispers and discreet touches.” Janus said. Each word sounded like it was being recited from a script, “Secrets and lies until the tension dies down.”

Patton listened to each word attentively and felt as if a string was pulling at his insides. He breathed. “I don’t think I want to lie. It’s not… Well it’s…”

Janus hummed, “Not quite your style, is it?”

“I wouldn’t be any good at it.” Patton admitted.

“Because you’ve never lied in the past?” Janus asked. The words came out differently than everything else he’d said. As if they had been building up inside him, waiting for the right moment to escape. “Never had a single fake smile painted upon those lips of yours?”

Patton felt his heart sink. “Well… I…”

Janus sighed, and looked Patton in the eyes with something akin to concern. “I apologize. It wasn’t meant to sound aggressive. It’s just… It’s so easy to see. Feel. Every single time. It gets… Tiring.”

“I’m sorry.” Patton said, but Janus didn’t seem happy with the response.

“Don’t apologize to me for that. There are many things worth apologizing for, but hiding your feelings isn’t one of them. You’re only hurting yourself with it, and frankly it is you who deserves to hear the apology.”

Patton felt confused for a moment and looked down at his and Janus’ joined hands. Then he looked at the ceiling. “I’m sorry Patton.”

Janus snorted quietly, “What are you sorry for?”

Patton continued. “I’m sorry for… Pretending to be happy… When I wasn’t. I should’ve listened to you, Patton. Let you feel what you needed to feel instead of repressing it. Feelings aren’t bad and repressing doesn’t do anyone any good.”

There was something else hidden in the apology that wasn’t directed at Patton, but rather a much more harmful mistake. “Good.” Janus said, silently. “Now all you have to do is make an honest effort to do better. Prove to yourself that you mean it.”

“I will.” Patton whispered determinedly. After a few moments of silence, Janus switched hands, letting his previously free hand rest in Patton’s, and placed his other in Patton’s hair. He stroked it gently. Patton felt safe. Calm. For a few minutes, Patton forgot about the tension, resting in the air everywhere he went. All he could think about was Janus and how he was right beside him. How they were together in every sense of the word.

“I really care about you, Patton.” Janus said. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t admitted before, but hearing it again proved just how sincere it was. “It scares me, and I am not sure how these feelings work, but I want to feel them anyway. I don’t know what you’ve done to me.”

Patton giggled, and squeezed Janus’ hand gently. “That makes two of us.”

#I don't know why I felt the need to write moceit today but no one stopped me #sanders sides #janus sanders #patton sanders #moceit #dramaticwriting #fic

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winters-sugardaddy-zemo · 3 years

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Zemo's Weltenschmerz (Zemo's world pain)

( Weltenschmerz [ˈvɛltʃmɛɐ̯ts]. it denotes a deep sadness about the inadequacy or imperfection of the world.The translation can differ depending on context, in reference to the self it can mean "world weariness", in reference to the world it can mean "the pain of the world")

After Bucky saves Zemo from John, the new captain america, the baron hears the soldat scream at night and can't help himself but to find out why. It seems that he developed an unhealthy obsession about the man and can't explain himself why so he tries so suppress his emotions.

This is my first time ever writing in the Marvel fandom and I chose to write it in a diary style, which means I jump from scene to scene. Let me know if it is too unclear what is going on or if you want a part 2! xoxo🥰❤

part (1/?)

Word count: 4120

TW: Angst, Hurt, comfort, smut-ish?

"Are you here to watch and enjoy my suffering?"

"No-" Zemo did not hesitate to gently shake his head in denial but he felt caught. His eyes wandered through the room to stare at anything else than his soldat, too nervous to look him in the eyes. He wondered why his feet had led him to Bucky's room and why he did not simply ignore the screams he heard in the night. Zemo did not blame himself, he had a curious nature after all and the soldat was the biggest puzzle to solve for him. Bucky's eyes were still burning on him, even after a long pause of silence. He waited for the sokovian to explain himself, but somehow the other man's head was empty and he imagined the air was drained out of his lungs, that opening his mouth to say something would choke him to death.

"I just wanted to check on you and see if you are okay." Zemo whispered and looked at the man sitting on the ground, his chest soaked in his sweat. The sokovian did not just see the Soldat sweating, he could also smell him. And for a moment Zemo was not sure if he despised the smell, or were already addicted to it. Bucky really needed to take a shower and change his sheets. "Are you okay?"

"Do I look like it?" The soldat hissed angrily at Zemo, the sudden volume in his voice breaking the silence caused the sokovian to flinch a little. That was a dumb question, indeed, maybe nothing more than a reflex. A simple question to ask, in which the answer mostly resulted as a lie.

"Should I get Sam?" Zemo proposed and pointed with his thumb back into the hallway.

"NO!"

"Should I leave?" He then asked when Bucky was staring at him again, his eyes filled with unspoken words as if he would conduct this dialogue in his head. Bucky remained silent and after a while he shortly broke the gaze.

"What do you really want here?" Bucky asked with quite a concern in his voice, his beautiful blue eyes now piercing the man in front of him again. "Why did you come here?"

For the first time since Zemo had joined Sam and Bucky, he had nothing to say. He tried to grab a thought, to give the other man a quick and easy answer, the best lie possible, but the harder he tried, the less he could focus and started to stutter.

"Well, I-I… apparently-"

"Apparently you don't know how to fucking mind your own business!" The Soldat was yelling now and jumped to his feet to build himself up in front of the sokovian. Zemo almost imagined hearing him growl. As Bucky closed the distance between them two, the baron could feel his heart kicking at his ripcake like a drunken assaulting the bars of his holding cell. That he felt nervous now was no understatement, but why he felt nervous was another mystery to himself. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again when the vibranium fingers of the soldat touched his breast. Gently at first, then it got rough quickly: Bucky pushed his flat hand against Zemo and pushed him out of his room, almost causing the baron to fall backwards, right before the door was harshly thrown shut in front of him.

"Unhöflich." Zemo mumbled, still utterly perplexed about his own actions and choice of words.

The next night Zemo could not sleep. He was restless and could not stop thinking about sneaking past Sam's room to visit Bucky again, but he deeply doubted the man had left his door open after the last night. The sokovian felt strong, ashamed of himself, proud, feverish and a little plem-plem. There was no reason for wanting to see the broken man again- and to be hurtful truthfully, it was no lie to state the obvious about him.

When Zemo closed his eyes again, to push every thought of Bucky aside, the suffering growls of the man in the distance made him shiver from head to toes. He yanked the blanket aside, his body shot up and he found himself sitting bolt upright in bed. The solovian's eyes wandered down to his hands and saw that they were shaking.

"Stop this madness." He whined and grabbed with one hand his other wrist in an weak attempt to stop himself from shivering.

"I absolutely don't care." Zemo told himself and after a moment, when he was not sure about his own words he added,"Or at least I shouldn't care."

His body moved on it's own when his bare feet touched the ground. The wooden floor was colder than he expected, but nothing to bother about. What really bothered him was the cold air that snuck in from the open window Zemo forgot to close before he went for his short sleep. As he closed the window, Zemo watched his empty reflection in the glass. He was no less broken than Bucky...

The baron has sworn himself to revenge his family at all cost, to stop Supe's, that they could not abuse their power for their self-righteous beliefs. Sam's question about Zemo's thoughts on Bucky had caught him off guard and the sokovian still did not know how to answer that. Not to Sam and not to himself. Since the soldat had saved Zemo's life and showed his sparing gesture afterwards, by dropping all the bullets in his gun in front of the sokovian, things had changed. Zemo could feel it deep inside his guts, that there was something wrong with him.

At first, Zemo shook the feeling off and assumed that everything he felt was guilt for being saved by Bucky. When Zemo had destroyed the small blue bottles, John freaked out. The new captain america almost killed Zemo in his outrage before he could save the last bottle of super soldier serum. After hitting him with Cap's shield, the man was far away with being finished with the baron.

"You really think you are a smart one." John grabbed Zemo threatening by the collar of his jacket. The baron's view was speckled with black dots that seemed to get bigger, but he was still conscious enough to realise that the new Captain pulled the corner of his lips up into a mischievous smile before he got stabbed. John's eyes moved aside to something blue that was barely in view.

"Not that smart at all."

Zemo closed his eyes for just a second and took a sharp breath. He wondered how he could still stand, yet the baron did not fall backwards from the pain. John was long gone, but Zemo was unable to even realise that. He did not even realise how Bucky stormed into the room next. The soldat moved his eyes from the broken serum bottles to Zemo's gun on the ground and at last to the baron, standing like frozen next to it.

"What the hell happened here?" Bucky asked and when the sokovian did not answer he touched his waist,"What happened to you?"

When he pulled his hand away bloody, Bucky widened his eyes and gave Zemo an unbelieving look.

"What happened?" He repeated his question in a hoarse tone.

"I am-" the sokovian could feel how the ground swayed away underneath his feet and he might have blacked out for just a second, because when he looked around with his eyes, Bucky was holding him in his arms. "-fine." .

"You're clearly not fine!" Bucky yelled and shook him a little, in fear, that if the baron closed his eyes, they would never open again. He was too important for this mission.

Zemo felt like he was fainting as his sight got darker and his body heavier, but the mercy of passing out was not granted to him. Bucky started to peel off the baron's coat and when he saw the bloody mess underneath he gasped.

Zemo felt so embarrassed to remember how Bucky had picked him up into his arms and carried him out to get medical treatment as fast as possible. If anyone would ever find out about this unexpected situation between him and the soldat, it was over with his reputation in the underground scene. Then he was not baron Zemo the mastermind anymore, rather the man who cuddled with his slave soldier. But in the end Bucky did save his life, nothing the sokovian would have ever expected after everything he had made the soldat do in his name. He hated himself so much for being in his debt, even though Zemo started to like the thought of being close to the other man.

The baron realised he could not sleep until he spoke to Bucky and thanked him for what he did for him- a weak excuse, that the baron was aware of. He got dressed quickly and rushed to his door, just to hesitate to even touch the door handle. He gulped. What am I doing? Zemo took a deep breath, then wrapped his fingers around the door handle as suddenly someone knocked on his door. He stopped and held on. His eyes widened and his heart beat paced up.

"Zemo?" It was Bucky.

"Zemo, are you awake?" there was a bitter note of discontentment in his voice. Zemo could not answer. How could he? The baron's cheeks heated up and he bit his lip to prevent himself from making any sound. Why was it so hard to talk to Bucky all of the sudden? He waited another moment and when Bucky finally left, Zemo let out a relieved sight, even though he still felt a little stabbed. Turning around, he leaned against the wooden door and stared over to the window. Still a broken man in a broken world. Zemo sank down until he sat on the cold ground. So cold.

It took him courage to rise to his feet again and move himself through the hallway towards Bucky's room. To his surprise the door was open and Zemo wondered if it were on purpose or just accidentally.

"What did you want?" Zemo caught the soldats attention after he stopped in the doorway and started to speak. The sight of him made Zemo nervous. Bucky was shirtless and probably went to sleep, or was already sleeping. Anyway he flinched a little by the creeping man and sat up onto his bed. Bucky tilted his head and looked over to Zemo.

"I wanted to know why you came to me in the night." Bucky explained. "I want the truth."

"I was worried." No lie. "When you scream at night, I know it is because of the Winter Soldier."

"You mean me?" Bucky asked with a sudden anger. "I am the Winter Soldier!"

A justified anger, but Zemo never abstracted the Winter Soldier from Bucky.

"I mean it when I say I care about you." The sokovian tried to soothe the soldat. His downfall.

"Do you, Zemo?" Bucky spat his name out as if it were poison. "Sam told me about your God-talk and how Supe's can not be allowed to exist."

"I never answered him."

Bucky snorted and rolled with his eyes.

"You talk hateful about the people that feel the same pain as you." the corners of his mouth wandered up into a short, cheeky grin. He was so

reproachful. "You see me as the monster despite the fact that it was you who did this to me. It was you who used the Winter Soldier to take loved ones from other's. It has never really been me."

For the second time Zemo did not know how to answer, so he avoided the other man's gaze. His throat tightened as he tried to find some words. Bucky had a point.

"I can never imagine what pain I caused you with the Winter Soldier program." Zemo mumbled and he meant it. "I am truly sorry."

The sokovian did not even give Bucky the chance to say something as he swiftly disappeared out of the room through the hallway to his own.

Avoiding Bucky was barely possible since Zemo was a prisoner and under both men's watch, still the baron fought with the idea to get too close with them. There was no need for friends, there never was and there would never be. Zemo was bitter. He was a petty person and he could not stand to have Bucky's words being left in the moment. On the other hand, Zemo still had no other answer to him than an apology. The sokovian was not mad that the only response he could think of was an apology, but that he truly meant it.

In all this mess, Sam kept observing the sokovian all the time and when he simply could not answer to himself, why Zemo showed Bucky the cold shoulder after being saved by him, he got curious. It did not take him long to develop the behaviour of squinting his eyes whenever they followed the baron. It did not leave him unnoticed that Zemo kept a sudden distance to Bucky but still seemed to be obsessed with him with every second passing by. In the evening, when Bucky changed his clothes and grabbed his keys before leaving the house without a word, Sam saw Zemo starring again, until the soldat was gone. He was almost drooling.

"You act strange." Sam said and furrowed his brows. Then he added,"Stranger than Zemo-strange."

"What do you know?" Zemo rolled his eyes and attempted to walk around the falcon to quickly escape from this weird situation into his room, but got stopped by Sam, as he pressed his hands against the baron's chest. Somewhat they both, Sam and Bucky, had a big problem doing that. Both men exchanged a warning glare, threatening, waiting for the other one to break the gaze.

"Don't test me." the sokovian snarled and pushed Sam's hand away. He did not stop him when Zemo returned to his room and locked the door from the inside, but the baron knew this wasn't over, instead only woke more curiosity in the avenger. Too bad that Zemo did not intend to share his emotions like a little girl at a slumber party. He could not even stay honest to himself and drank instead of thinking about what could be wrong with him- because deep down he already knew.

Zemo knew what he felt when Bucky's picture popped up inside his head and all he wanted to do was jack himself off. The only solution to get these images out of his head was to keep drinking until his mind was fully blank or he started to like these thoughts. Eventually he got hungry, but was far too faded to dare go into the kitchen, or even greet a delivery service, so he searched his pockets for some candy- Turkish delight and a lolly. Zemo's throat tightened and he hesitated, but sooner or later he reached for the lolly, unwrapped the plastic foil and gave himself a moment to stare at the pink candyware before he stopped denying the urge of letting it slowly slide inside his mouth. With slow movements he twirled his tongue around the pink sugar ball, quickly realising it was not enough, that it was not the thing he wanted to feel in his mouth. After a while the sokovian's eyes widened when he realised what he was doing and pulled the lolly out of his mouth to give it a disgusted look, then turned around to throw it furiously away. When the hard candy crashed against the window, it broke the glass and when Zemo saw the split, he felt something break inside him too.

He could not do it any longer. No second passed in which Zemo kept acting as if he were despising Bucky. The truth was, that the sokovian desperately longed for the other man, craved his touch beyond anything sexual. He wanted to feel Bucky's warmth around him and to smell his scents. Zemo wanted to kiss those pink lips so desperately, that deep inside it was almost painful to watch himself squeal under his own tormentment. And for fuck's sake he wanted to call him Bucky.

B-U-C-K-Y.

The sexiest alphabet combination Zemo could think of now. There was no logic explanation for his behaviour, to keep those walls up, because at the end of the tunnel everything was dark and there was nothing else to grasp and hold onto. Could he have developed an unhealthy obsession? It didn't matter. Everything that mattered was that when the soldat was close, Zemo could feel his tummy turn inside out, spreading a ticklish feeling from the pit of his stomach to the tips of his fingers. There was an electrical feeling joining him, whenever Zemo got touched anything, everything seemed so surreal, and he feared that one of the men would see him trembling. Of course he would blame it on the cold, nevertheless Zemo doubted himself to be a good liar in that state.

This had to end. It had to end now. The sokovian needed to find the perfect moment to speak with Bucky again, but with Sam by his side it was almost impossible. Maybe Zemo was like a little girl at a slumber party when he could not even manage to talk to the soldat unless he was all alone with him. He tried his best not to stare at Bucky while he discussed with Sam how to find John and Cap's shield, especially after realising that he had to be careful of the falcon's eyes.

"What do you have to say, Zemo?" Sam suddenly asked, caughting the sokovian for not listening at all. Zemo cleared his face and raised his eyebrows, focusing the annoyed man who had formed his eyes into slits by now.

"Pardon me?"

"Seriously man, are you fucking alright?" Sam groaned and rolled his eyes. His hands flew into the air as he turned with a swift move to reach for his wallet. Zemo dared to take a glimpse at Bucky and felt his cheeks heat up when he realised the soldat was already staring at him with a deadpan face. The short frequency of a moment in which his eyes were locked with Bucky's felt like an eternity. He even let out a relieved gasp when the other man broke the gaze to pay attention to Sam who gave his arm a short clap before leaving.

"Where are you going man?"

And with that, Zemo was all forgotten, turned their back on and left alone in the hotel room as Bucky followed Sam outside. He felt a mix of relief along with a stabbing pain in his heart. He wanted to scream, hey look at me, I am here! Don't go and leave me all by myself. No, he did not want Bucky to go. Don't leave me all by myself again…

Bucky was gone, everything that left was the sokovian in an empty room, trying to handle the loud noises in his head during that unbearable silence. It took him a while to move from his frozen state, turning around to clarify if he was really alone now or if he just dozed off again into his daydreams and meanwhile the men have returned.

Before Zemo would lock himself up inside his room again, he decided to prepare himself something to eat. That Lolly-thing could not happen again and the touching-himself thing needed to stop too. But how could it stop when Zemo already felt aroused of going back to bed so he could peacefully dream of Bucky? concentrate on the potatoes, fry the chicken, maybe ask Bucky if he wants-

Nope. Not happening.

The baron was actually quite glad that none of them returned until Zemo was finished with cooking and returned to his room. He actually was not even sure if they even came back and during the moment of peace, he couldn't care less. He ate and drank and rested on his bed, enjoying that his mind was blank for a brief moment this day.

A knock on the door woke Zemo late in the evening. He opened his eyes and for a moment he believed he had gone blind, then realised that his short afternoon nap seemed to have been longer than he thought it would be. The sokovian's legs still hung over the edge of the bed and he was fully clothed, so there was no need for the other person to wait long for the baron. Just as Zemo opened the door, he saw Bucky already turning around and walking away.

"Just wanted to inform you that Sam is going back to his sister for a few days." Bucky mumbled barely loud enough for the baron to understand. Now he did not give the sokovian a moment to answer.

I know what you're playing, Zemo thought. But is this just a game for you then?

The morning dew glistened on the broken window and the light of the sun shone through the small crack, spreading itself like it was a prisma. Zemo touched himself again and promised, how it would be the last time thinking of Bucky doing this. Dreaming that he was touching the other man, made no difference. Zemo should probably stop doing it but simply could not. He loved it too much. On the other end he would rarely reach his climax- and if he would he did not feel pleased by it at all. He was a mess, the cum on his stomach, over his freshly healed wounds reminded him of not long ago, when Bucky saved him and he feeled deeply ashamed.

A knock followed by,"Zemo?" made the man flinch. His cheeks turned into a deep scarlet and he moved fast to get clean, then he swiftly pulled his hand out of his boxers and closed the bathrobe he was wearing. For a glimpse second the sokovian felt caught in the act, even though the door was closed. Maybe because he did not expect the soldat to come to him again.

"I am not dressed." The baron replied dully.

A small pause.

"You can't keep it all inside, you know?" Bucky's voice echoed from the other side of the door. "Bottling it up won't do you any good."

Zemo's eyes glistened in curiosity and he raised one eyebrow, then brought one hand to his lips and thought about the meaning of those words. It was obvious that Bucky did not talk about the masturbating behaviours Zemo had developed recently, otherwise it would mean the soldat could read his mind and this would also incline he ignored his suffering all the time. It would only make the baron angry.

"What do you mean?" Zemo decided to ask instead of overthinking about the countless possibilities of interpretations.

"Sorry doesn't fix everything. You have to show that you mean it."

S-showing how to mean it?

What could he do to make it up to Bucky? To show him that he was truly sorry and not just looked for a way timo manipulate him again? He would burn the world down for this man and this might be the reason why the soldat could never see Zemo in a good way- he was arrogant to think he could sacrifice everyone for one person he cared about. It made him realise that he was no better than someone with super powers, if his own thinking led him to the same selfish choices that he judged the avengers for.

"At least we go through this together." Zemo answered in poignancy. "It's almost like back then, when it was just us."

"There were no us, there never was." Bucky replied untroubled and this time Zemo wished he left him alone.

#daniel brühl #tfatws #helmut zemo #helmut zemo x bucky #zemo #baron zemo #sebastian stan #zemo x winter soldier #sad boy

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bokutos-eyebrows · 4 years

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A Trip to Paradise

I literally am so in love with Hinata I just want to give him everything. In celebration of his birthday I present to you a smut fic starring our favorite Tangerine boy… :) he deserves all the pleasure in the world. Please enjoy~

Hinata Shoyo x fem! Reader

Word Count: 2,304

Warnings: NSFW 18+, semi spoilers

On vacation in Rio, you get ditched by your “friends”. With nothing better to do, you watch the local beach volleyball tournament, and catch the eye of the best player there…

Hey, we went out to the club~ See you later tonight maybe? We might need a ride to the hotel!

“Fuck,” you groaned as you read the text that popped up on your phone. “Who goes clubbing at 11 am?”

You had come on this trip with girls from school who thought you were your friends, but they had ditched you to go clubbing multiple times throughout the week. Not wanting to babysit a bunch of drunk girls, you decided to ignore their text and explore the city.

It was another hot day in Rio, the beach was crowded of course, but you enjoyed people watching. Your eyes scanned the horizon before falling on a large crowd. Huh, beach volleyball? You watched as the crowd erupted in cheers. Curious, you made your way over to the commotion.

The star of the show was a tan, orange haired boy. He was fast, even in the sand, and could both set and spike almost flawlessly. You were awestruck by his passion for the sport. He and his partner won that set, furthering in the competition. You stayed to watch the next game, unable to take your eyes off him.

“Another win for Hinata Shoyo,” The announcer boomed as the crowd cheered loudly. Someone started chanting “Ninja! Shoyo! Ninja! Shoyo” which caught on quickly. Hinata beamed at the praise, waving his hands and bowing. He must be a local, you thought before locking eyes with him through the crowd. He shot you a huge smile and thumbs up, and just like that, you fell under the Shoyo love spell.

You stuck around for the remainder of the competition. Watching Hinata dominate the court was addicting. You loved seeing his smile when the crowd cheered for him. Entranced by the talented player, you didn’t realize you had 4 missed calls from your friends.

Walking away from the tournament, you called your friend back only to receive a drunken earful about how you needed to come pick them up. Begrudgingly, you left the beach. After an hour of trying to wrangle up the drunken group safely back to your hotel, you headed back to the beach.

“There's still a while before sunset,” you mumbled to yourself, “I hope I didn’t miss the end of the competition.” But to your dismay, there was no longer a crowd, just a few groups playing around on the courts. You sighed, sad that you wouldn’t be getting another glimpse of the majestic Shoyo.

“Oh! There you are!” You heard an enthusiastic voice call out from behind you. Turning around, your heart fluttered as you saw the orange haired boy running towards you.

“Hi! I’m Hinata Shoyo! I saw you in the crowd today, thanks for cheering me on!” He beamed at you, smile as bright as the sun.

“H-Hi I’m y/n.” You stuttered, surprised that he recognized you.

“Aah! Y/n! Are you here on vacation?”

You explained your situation to an empathetic Hinata. He knew how lonely this city could be when you’re on your own. He took you for a walk down the beach as he listened to you vent about your ‘friends’.

“Well, if you want, I can show you around! I know all the best spots in town!”

You smiled at him, “It’s okay! You really don’t have to just becau-”

“But I want to...” Hinata interrupted, “So let’s go, yeah?” He grabbed you by the hand, leading you to the best date of your life.

Everywhere Hinata took you, the locals were calling out to him, asking about his day and offering fruits or drinks. He had friends in every part of the city, even the stray dogs and cats adored him. He bought you your favorite ice cream, fresh from the local paleteria.

Shoyo had so many stories about his volleyball antics, things that happened during his delivery job, and just daily life, that you were convinced he was the most interesting person in the world. The way his eyes lit up when he remembered something funny or talked about his friends back in Japan was enamoring. I could listen to him for hours… you mused.

“Oh! It’s almost sunset, I know a really nice spot overlooking the ocean, if we hurry we can make it in time!” Hinata exclaimed, grabbing you by the hand again.He took you to a secluded hill with a panoramic view of the entire coastline.

“Hinata, will you take a picture of me please? I want to remember this view.”

He took your phone as you posed with the sunset in the background. After taking a few pictures, you noticed him struggling to focus on the camera.

“Is something wrong?” You asked.

“N-No, I’m just having a hard time since the view is so beautiful…”

“Yes! I’ve never seen a sunset like this!”

“No,” Hinata looked up at you, “You’re the most beautiful view.”

As much as you wanted to giggle at the cheesy line, Hinata said it with so much genuine sincerity you couldn’t help but blush. He stood next to you, handing your phone back, also blushing deeply.

“W-Was that too much?” He stuttered nervously.

“Not at all,” You put a hand on his cheek, “It was really sweet...you’re really sweet. No one’s ever shown me such a fun day..” You felt Hinata’s breath hitch as you leaned in closer.

“Shoyo, can I kiss you?”

“You can do anything you want to me, y/n.”

With that, your lips gently pressed onto his. He tasted faintly of strawberries from the ice cream he had earlier. You felt Hinata’s hands slowly grasp your waist. Not wanting the moment to end, you deepened the kiss, slowly moving your lips in rhythm with his. You loved how he smelled like the faintest hint of sunscreen and sea breeze.

Hinata squeezed your hips as you opened your eyes slightly just to look at the precious boy. His long lashes fluttered as you kissed him. He looks so cute even with his eyes closed. You put your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to you. The slightest gasp left your mouth as you felt his growing hard on press up against your stomach.

“I-I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it..”

You giggled and pressed your body closer to his. “Why don’t you take me to your place next?” Hinata smiled slyly as he led you back to the city towards his apartment.

As you arrived, Hinata was fiddling with the lock on his front door. You hugged him from behind and started kissing his neck, making him almost drop his keys in his frenzy to get you to his bedroom. He finally got the door open and gently pulled you inside, pushing you up against the door after closing it.

“I’m going to get you back for that, y/n.” He teased as he started to leave wet kisses on your neck. You moaned, excited to see what the night had in store for you.

“Hinata! OH! UH S-Sorry!” You hear a new voice yell as the silhouette of another man runs away.

“Oh, shit! PEDRO I’M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!” Hinata broke away from you and chased after the man, only to drag him back to where you were for an awkward introduction.

You learned that the man was Pedro, Hinata’s roommate for the duration of his stay in Brazil. He was a little awkward at first, but opened up to you when Hinata told him that you like anime and manga too. The three of you talked for a while. Hinata gave you an apologetic ‘sorry we got interrupted earlier’ look but you didn’t mind. As long as you got to stay wrapped up in the world of Hinata Shoyo a little longer, you were happy.

“Well, I have an exam to study for tomorrow,” Pedro yawned, “If I can stay up that is…”

“Pedro! Take your studies more seriously!” Hinata chided. His roommate just waved him off and left towards his side of the apartment.

“He seems nice! I’d love to have a roommate with the same interests as me!” You spoke, turning to face Shoyo.

“I love Pedro! I feel lucky to have found him..” He scooted closer, thighs touching yours, “And I feel lucky to have found you too...should we head to my room?”

You smiled, eager to finish what the two of you had started. “Yes, please!”

Hinata picked you up and ran to his room, locking the door behind him. He gently tossed you onto his bed. You studied his room as he got on top of you, only to have your arms suddenly pinned down above your head.

“Hey.” Hinata bent down, face inches from yours, “Pay attention to me now, okay?” He commanded. You nodded, entranced by his sudden change.

He smiled at you cooing different praises as he started to trail kisses up and down your chest. He released your hands as he helped you shimmy out of your top, gasping in awe at his full view of your chest.

“You’ve got such a nice body, y/n.” He whispered, fondling your breasts. You gasped in pleasure as he flicked his tongue over your nipple, earning a slight moan from him. “I’m going to make you feel so good..”

He released your soft bud from his mouth and started kissing down your torso, licking the area above your waistband. You whined in anticipation as he unbuttoned your shorts slowly before pulling them down, leaving you in just your panties.

“Ooh! What cute panties! They’d look cuter on the floor though!” Hinata giggled, tossing off your underwear in one swoop. “Ah! That’s more like it.” He lowered his face to your already sopping wet core.

“Thanks for the meal!”

Hinata wasted no time plunging his tongue onto your slit. He licked circles over your clit so quickly, with just the right amount of pressure, you thought you might cum right that second. You felt your orgasm building up, just as you reached the edge, Hinata moved his mouth off your clit and directly on your entrance. He pushed his tongue in, licking around your walls diligently. You gasped, eyes rolling to the back of your head. The feeling was even more intense than before and you rode out your release on Hinata’s tongue.

“Ahh! Shoyo,” You moaned out, fistfull of his hair in your hands. You felt his lips curl into a smile at your quick orgasm. But he didn’t stop there. He started licking up and down your slit, making sure to lap up every drop of your release. You gasped in delight when you felt his fingers start rubbing your clit at the same time he was eating you out. He started to go faster, rhythmically matching his tongue with his fingers. You felt another orgasm start. Hinata reached up to cover your mouth from being too loud as you came a second time on his face.

Exhausted, you panted out his name. He gave one more lap up and down your slit before getting up. “You’re so pretty when you cum for me.” He mused, stroking your hair.

“Hinata,” you breathed out, “You’re amazing..I..want to feel you.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. Hinata threw off his clothes and started teasing you with his erect length.

“Do you really want me to put it in?” He double checked that you were okay.

“Yes please right now!”

Hinata entered you slowly, stretching out your walls with his stiff member. He groaned out in pleasure.

“Y/n, your pussy’s so wet for me.” He whispered as he started thrusting into you. You grabbed his hips, pulling him in deeper with every thrust. He took the hint and started fucking you faster. You kissed his neck, making sure to leave hickies that would last a while after you had gone.

Shoyo pulled out of you, flipping you over onto your stomach. You propped your ass up and he smacked it hard before pounding you from behind. He was going absolutely feral and you loved every second of it.

“Spank me harder!” You cried out. Hinata obliged, leaving red hand prints all over your ass. He loved the fact that you’d probably still feel the sting of his hands the next day. As he thrusted into you again you felt yourself let go. Your mind went blank and your third release came out.

“Ohh y/n, you love my dick so much you squirted everywhere!” Hinata teased.

“I-I’ve ah,” you tried to speak, “I’ve never done that before.”

Hinata beamed at his accomplishment, “I told you I’d make you feel good.”

Now it was your turn. Wanting to make him feel just as good, you started thrusting back onto him, shaking your ass to give him a nice show. He tightened his grip on your hips as you clenched your walls on his length. He gasped at your change of pace.

“Y/n, I’m gonna- ah,” He pulled out of you and painted your backside with his release. Panting, he reached over and grabbed a towel to wipe you off before you both collapsed onto his bed.

“Shoyo that was amazing.” You whispered, too exhausted to talk at full volume.

“How much longer are you staying in Rio?” He asked suddenly.

“I don’t leave for another 3 days..”

“Stay with me till then.” Hinata grabbed your face gently. “I’ll give you the best three days of your life.”

You smiled, excited to be able to enjoy the rest of your vacation with Hinata.

“Okay. I’ll stay with you, Shoyo.”

Notes:

I literally only meant this to be a short one shot and it ended up taking 6 google docs pages I am a SIMP for this man

#hinata x reader #hinata shoyo x reader #hinata shouyo x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu!! headcanons #happy birthday hinata #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu smut

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ordinaryschmuck · 3 years

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What I Thought About The Mitchells vs. the Machines

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier is up there as one of the best installments of the MCU. Sure, the action and CGI sucks, and the season finale could use a bit more polish, but there is so much more of what it does right. It brings up an engaging discussion through Karli; the bromance between Bucky and Sam is incredible; Zemo's surprisingly a riot, and U.S. Agent is a character whose inner psychology is something I would like to study. Plus, the series really dives deep into the themes of race and the realistic hesitance that comes with making a black man Captain America. It's easily an 8/10 series that is worth an in-depth discussion.

But f**k that s**t, because I'm talking about The Mitchells vs. the Machines instead!

I know it might be questionable that reviewing a movie starring a predominantly white family of idiots saving the world instead of the TV series about the powerful journey of a black man taking the mantle of an American icon...but this movie is fun, alright? And yes, I'm going to spoil it to explain how. So if you still have a Netflix account, I highly suggest you check it out when you have time.

Because, random people on the internet who most likely won't read this, this Ordinary Schmuck who writes stories and reviews and draws comics and cartoons is going to explain why The Mitchells vs. the Machines might just be my favorite film of the year (steep contest, I know).

WHAT I LIKE

The Animation: Let's get this out of the way right here and right now: If a single person ever tells you that this movie has awful animation, or the worst animation they have ever seen, just go ahead and assume that person is an idiot. Because holy hot cheese sticks, does this movie look amazing!

Say what you want about most of Sony Pictures Animation's movies, but you have to admit that they nail making a CGI movie looking like it could be in 2D. And The Mitchells vs. The Machines is the peak of that style. Every character in nearly every frame looks like they could work well if the movie was hand-drawn, and I love it. I am addicted to seeing films that look 2D with a 3D makeover because there has to be ten times the amount of effort to get that look just right, what with modeling each character in unique ways to nail that style wherein a hand-drawn film, you could just, well, draw it. Not to mention that the cell-shading and certain hand-drawn elements also add to the aesthetic.

Plus, there is so much attention to details, such as most of Katie's character model being covered in sharpie, or how you can see a hint of Eric and Deborabot 3000's drawn on faces even though their black screens are showing something else. Seriously, you can listen to any criticism this movie gets, but don't you dare let someone get away with telling you that it looks awful. It doesn't. It's incredible, and I SO wish that I could have seen it all on the big screen.

The Comedy: On top of being incredibly well-animated, this movie is also incredibly funny. Like, really funny. I shouldn't be surprised since it's made by the same people responsible for Clone High and The Lego Movie, but yeah, I found myself laughing, chuckling, and snorting with nearly every joke in the film. Not every joke works, to be fair. But because of the fast-paced humor, the bad jokes are almost immediately followed up with better ones soon after. What's even better is that the writers know when to take a break with the humor and let some surprisingly compelling drama take over. And even then, when there are jokes during the dramatic moments, they add sincerity to the scene rather than take anything away. Looking at you, The Amazing World of Gumball...I mean, I love you, but sheesh, you need to learn to let a solemn moment play out.

Anyways, the comedy is hilarious. And while I won't spoil every joke, I will go over some bits that might have gotten to me the most.

Katie Mitchell: Let's just go ahead and add Katie Mitchell to the list of characters I highly relate to on a personal level (which is getting longer by the minute, hot damn). But jokes aside, I really like Katie. Her love and desire to make movies is something I identify with, and her goal to just go to a place where she feels like she belongs is easy to understand. Trust me, if I found out there was a group of weirdos who like the same things I do and enjoy the things I make, I’d be willing to pack everything I have and go to them as fast as possible too. Plus, I feel like a lot of us can relate to a character who lives in a household where people question if our career goal is something we can make a living with. I remember two years ago when I told my aunt that I wanted to make my own animated series, and her reaction is a little too similar to Rick's when Katie showed him her movie. They mean well, but sometimes it's for the best to have a cheerleader rather than a critic, especially if that person is family.

Now, Katie isn't perfect as her enthusiasm can get a little annoying at times, and her desire to leave can be conceived as a little too harsh as well. Still, she's pretty cool and serves her role as a protagonist pretty well...also, if the movie gets a sequel, let's hope she and Jude become cannon by then. GIVE KATIE A GIRLFRIEND, DAMN IT!

Aaron Mitchell: But as great as Katie is, it's this goober that earns the reward for my favorite character. At times it looks like Aaron is nothing more than a source of comedy, but he handles some dramatic moments really well. Partial credit goes to Michael Rianda for that one. Yeah, having a child actor would have made Aaron sound more like a kid, but no other voice could have fit him better than what Michael offers as he comes across as weird but never obnoxious.

Also, let's give the writer points for making a character who is clearly neurodivergent. Yet also refraining from having him be annoying or useless to the rest of the cast. No one ever really disrespects or belittles Aaron and instead chooses to work with him rather than against him. Especially Katie, who forms a solid sibling bond with Aaron as a fellow weirdo. It's genuinely sweet to see, and I loved every minute that the writers showed that just because someone acts on a different wavelength doesn't mean they shouldn't be treated any less because of it. You get that with Katie, a little bit, but I see it much more with Aaron, for some reason. And I love him every minute, so that’s a win.

(Plus, I may or may not have had a dinosaur phase when I was younger, so go ahead and add him to the list of relatable characters too.)

Rick Mitchell: This is probably a character you will either love or hate, and I can see both sides of that argument. Because on the one hand, I really like Rick Mitchell. His motivation is clear and understandable from the first set of home videos with him and Katie, both near the beginning and the end. Sure, he messes up a lot, but he is still a man who cares deeply about his daughter, as well as his entire family. He gets to the point where he would make great sacrifices for all of them, especially Katie. Plus, it's just pleasant seeing a cartoon dad who isn't a complete idiot or overprotective regarding his daughter's love life.

However, there are times when Rick comes across as an irresponsible d**k. When he does things like smash the family's phones without telling them or giving them screwdrivers for "presents," you're either gonna find that funny or you won't. Personally, I enjoy Rick and his antics, and I have no problem with irresponsible cartoon dads. As long as they don't cross the line toward Modern-Peter Griffin territory, I've got no problem with dads like Rick, who I believe has never even got that bad. Still, some people might think differently, and I can't blame them. Because after getting great cartoon dads like Greg Universe, I can understand if some people won't be interested in characters like Rick Mitchell.

Rick’s and Katie’s relationship: Alongside the top-notch animation and gut-busting comedy, Rick and Katie's relationship is what I consider the movie's most essential asset. These two are the main characters of the film, and as such, they develop through each other. And what's crazy is that they have very conflicting goals. Katie wants to escape and be with her people, where Rich just wants one last chance to have a good memory with Katie before she leaves. To do so, they first have to understand each other. Katie has to learn why Rick is so desperate to spend time with her, and Rick has to realize why Katie is, well, Katie. What I love most about it is that they try. These two don't spend the entire movie arguing and being at each other's throats until a sudden "Oh" moment in the end. No, there are actual moments when they genuinely try to understand one another and fix their relationship. It's nice to watch, and I especially love when it cuts to Linda and Aaron celebrating each time Katie and Rick get closer to each other. When recommending this movie, I'd say come for the animation and comedy, stay for the phenomenal relationship building.

Monchi: There are probably people already comparing Monchi to Mater or the Minions due to being a comic relief with nothing else to add...but gosh dangit, do I love this little gentleman. Maybe it's because I'm a dog person, but I find Monchie to be incredibly adorable, and I will fight anybody who disrespects this king of kings. Probably not physically, 'cause I'm a wuss, but I will verbally. So WATCH IT!

“HeLlO. i Am DoG.”: Have I mentioned that this movie is funny?

Rick’s videotapes of him and Katie: And right there. Rick's motivation for everything is set in stone through a solid case of visual storytelling.

PAL: The writers do almost everything they should have with this character. PAL might not have the most creative evil plan in the world, but to me, a villain can have a generic scheme as long as they're funny. Thankfully, PAL is funny. Not only is the idea of a smartphone ruling the planet hilarious in all the right ways, but Olivia Colman delivers such a great cynical energy that the character needs. The way PAL reacts to people explaining why humans are worth living is just the best, and her flopping around in a fit of rage successfully gets to me.

If I had to nitpick, I'd say that I wish PAL had more of a meaningful resolution to her character. The movie builds up that she makes a big deal about Mark dropping her, so it feels weird that neither of them really get any actual closure with each other. I'll get more into that in the dislikes, but I wish PAL had more of a fitting end than just dying after accidentally getting dropped in a glass of water. Other than that, she's a great comedic villain for a comedic movie.

PAL MAX Robots: These guys are the funniest characters in the movie. Half of it is the bits of visual humor, while the other half comes from the solid line delivery from Beck Bennett. Especially with Bennett's and Fred Armisen's Eric and Deborahbot 3000. These two are definitely the comedic highlights, as nearly every line they say is both hilarious and kind of adorable at times. And just like with Monchi, if you dare disrespect these characters, I will fight you. Because they are funny, and I will not hear otherwise.

PAL demonstrating what it’s like to be a phone: Have I mentioned that this movie is funny?

(Don't disrespect your phones, kids. Otherwise, they'll try to take over the world.)

PAL turning off the Wi-Fi: Again, have I mentioned this movie is funny?

“I love the dog. You love the dog. We all love the dog. But at some point, you’re gonna have to eat the dog.”: It's the sick jokes that get to me the most. Everyone booing Rick afterward is just the cherry on top.

Attack of the Furbies: Have I. Mentioned. That this movie. Is funny?

Seriously, if you haven't lost your s**t during every second of this scene, then you never had to deal with the demonic entity that is a Furby. In a way, I commend you. But you also don't get to appreciate the comedic genius of all of this. So I also weirdly feel bad for you.

The Mitchells deciding how to celebrate: You don't have a real family if you spend more time arguing about how to celebrate after saving the world than you do about how to save the world. I don't make the rules. I just abide by them.

The PAL MAX Primes: There's not much to say about them. The PAL MAX primes look and act pretty cool, are brilliantly animated, and raise the stakes while still being funny at times. I love 'em, but I don't have much to analyze with them either.

The origin of the moose: ...I'd make the "I didn't need my heart anyway" joke, but to be honest, it's still shattered after WandaVision.

(For real, though, this is a really effective scene that establishes why Rick makes a big deal with the moose and why he might feel hurt that Katie is willing to disregard it completely)

The Theme of Technology and Social Media: There's a theme about how family is important, and working hard on making things work is worth the effort. But that's a bit too generic for my tastes, so instead, I'm gonna talk about the equally important message this movie has about technology. Because as twisted as she is, PAL makes a great point. The technology we have today helps us in a variety of ways. It's especially useful with sites like YouTube, allowing content creators like Katie to reach out and share their voices. The only issue with technology is how people use it. Take note that the main reason why the Mitchells stand a chance against PAL is by using her own tech against her. Yes, over-relying on all the advancements around us can be dangerous, but if we're smart with how we use them, we can get by just fine. This movie isn't about purging all technology like most robot apocalypse stories are. Instead, it's about using it correctly and not being helpless sheep the second the Wi-Fi gets turned off. Which might just be the most unique thing this movie has going for it story-wise (more on that later).

The Climax: The Mitchells vs. The Machines has everything that I think I climax should have. First off, it utilizes callbacks and jokes that I wouldn't have thought twice on actually coming in handy for how the Mitchells win the day. But showing that Monchi causes the robots to malfunction turns a pretty "eh" joke into a solid case of foreshadowing.

Second, everyone does something. Some characters do more than others, sure, but the fact that every Mitchell, even Monchi, has a hand in beating PAL and her robots is a great sense of writing to me. It shows that you really can't cut anyone from the main cast, as they each add value to how they are essential to the plot. Even Aaron, who arguably does the least in the climax, still manages to be the catalyst to what is easily the best scene in the movie. Speaking of which...

Linda Kicks Ass: By the way, that's the actual name on the soundtrack. I'm not even kidding. Check it.

Anyways, for the most part, Linda seemed like a decent cartoon mom. She's insanely supportive but still has the common sense to keep her foot down, like agreeing with Rick to stay safe in the dino stop the second the apocalypse starts. A pretty fun character, for sure, but nothing too noteworthy...but the second she loses her s**t, Linda Mitchell frickin' SKYROCKETS to the best-cartoon-mom territory! Believe me when I tell you that seeing her slice and dice robots like a middle-aged female Samurai Jack is as awesome as it is hilarious. Does it make sense how she can suddenly do this? No, but at the same time, who gives a s**t about common sense?! Because this moment was epic, and I don't think I'll ever get tired of watching it over and over again.

Rick Learning How to Internet...Again: I consider this the funniest moment in the movie. Trust me, the Furby scene is a close, close, CLOSE, second...but I think this scene was funnier.

The final goodbye: This is what I'm talking about when I say humor adds to the dramatic moments. The Mitchells saying "I love you" in moose is pretty funny, but it's also a sweet moment given that this is absolutely how this family of weirdos would say goodbye to each other. And, yeah, I got a little misty-eyed during this scene. Especially when Rick saw Katie pocketing the moose. That s**t just cuts deep, man.

Alex Hirsch Voices a Character: ...That's it. I look up to Alex Hirsh as everything I want to be as a creator, and the fact that his name is on this movie fills me with joy. He's also a story consultant, so that can also explain why the movie turned out as great as it did...although there are some imperfections.

WHAT I DISLIKE

Katie-vision: What's Katie-vision? Well, throughout the movie, we get to see how Katie views the world as there are these hand-drawn elements that look like effects Katie would add if she was the one who made the movie. At times it can be subtle and cute, like when this little beating heart appears when Katie is talking with Jude and her other friends. It's when the movie is in your face with Katie-vision does it get annoying. Like showing how Katie is lying about being certain she can drive up a vertical ramp or signifying what is the Rick Mitchell Special. Even if you justify that this would be how Katie would edit the movie, it still doesn't change how obnoxious these moments can be. For instance, Monchi is justified to be essential for the plot, but that doesn't mean people won't hate him...I'll still fight them if they do, but that's beside the point.

I can totally accept this being a personal issue, as I'm sure some people enjoy it. As for me, I think Katie-vision works best when used subtly instead of crudely.

The Meme humor: It's something similar here. Because some people like meme humor...but I don't. To me, it just dates your story if you reference memes even once. Now, a show, movie, or book being partially dated is nothing new. We Bare Bears, a series that I love, reference memes, apps, and social media constantly. Yet, the show still has a timeless feel to it as it doesn't rely on those references too much. The Mitchells vs. the Machines doesn't rely on memes as much either. But even then, that doesn't make a difference about how annoying that gibbon monkey joke was. Seriously, what the f**k was that? And how is THAT the joke that gets used twice!?

Underutilizing Mark Bowman: It really bothers me how this guy barely does much. I mean, Mark Bowman is the main reason that anything happens in the movie. Because he mistreated PAL, Mark acts as the catalyst for events to come. So the fact that he could have been written out the second PAL takes control doesn't make sense to me. It's worse since I could see more potential with his character through his relationship with PAL. These two could be anti-Rick and Katie, as Mark and PAL show what happens when people disrespect their family. So separating them halfway through the story, and keeping them as such, is a huge mistake as it results in neither having a proper resolution to their arcs. Like I said, Rick and Katie develop through each other, and the same could have happened with Mark and PAL. It doesn't, making it something that I can't help but feel disappointed about.

The Poseys: These are characters I feel like work better with multiple appearances. Sure, they only have the one joke about being a perfect family, but at the same time, you can make a joke like that work. Look at Yvonne from Shaun of the Dead (Which might just be my favorite movie). That's a bit-character whose only purpose is showing how better she is than Shaun despite being in an eerily similar situation. But she works well as we constantly see how great she's doing in every instance we see her. The same could be done with the Poseys, as using a similar joke for one scene is underutilizing great potential to make an already good movie into a better one.

Plus, if you're gonna shoehorn in a romance between Aaron and Abby Posey, the least you could do is have more than one scene developing that...just saying.

Katie’s and Rick’s “Oh” Moments: I want to make it clear that I actually like these scenes. They're well written and effectively emotional. My problem is that they also happen two seconds apart. There's nothing wrong with having a character realize the error of their ways through a tear-jerking moment. It's a popular tactic for a reason. And given how both Rick and Katie are the protagonists, they both need their own "oh" moment. But you gotta space them out, as it makes things easier to see the emotional manipulation that you're clearly trying to pull on the audience. They work, but putting them back to back is an issue easily solved with at least two minutes of padding, not two seconds.

Katie’s Death Fakeout: This is one of the few instances that a joke doesn't work in the movie, made even more annoying with the fact that I could see the punchline a mile away and kept thinking, "Just get to it already." I'm pretty sure no one bought this, especially when Katie didn't look like she could have gotten killed in any way after throwing PAL. It's poorly handled and proof that even the funniest comedies have a stale joke every now and again.

Nothing New is really being done here: Keep in mind that in terms of style, this movie is incredibly innovative. And here's hoping future animated projects can take notes. But narratively speaking? Yeah, there's nothing really new that this movie is offering.

A story about how technology will be the death of us? Been there.

A story about a group of idiots miraculously saving the world? Done that.

A story about a father forcing their teenager on a road trip so they can spend quality time with each other, thus ruining the teen's chance of hanging out with their girlfriend? Believe it or not, I have seen A Goofy Movie...multiple times...both as a kid and as an adult.

Now, I have no issue with a movie's plot being a bit by-the-books, and in some cases, cliche. If done effectively, and if I still have a good time, I don't think there’s much to complain about. And there isn't with The Mitchells vs. The Machines. The problem lies with that I'll forget this movie along with the dozens of others like it in a couple years. Which might just be the biggest issue any film can have.

---------------------

Overall, I'd give The Mitchells vs. the Machines a well-earned A-. It has nitpicks, sure, but it's still a blast to watch. It might not be innovative or groundbreaking as movies like the last Sony Pictures Animation movie, Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse. However, it is fun. And when the world is burning down around us, it's nice to have a fun movie that can distract us from all of it. So feel free to log in to Netflix the next time you're in the mood for a film that is great for the whole family. You won’t be disapointed

(And I will talk about The Falcon and the Winter Soldier pretty soon. I just needed to get this out of my system first.)

#the mitchells vs the machines #what i thought about

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realityhelixcreates · 3 years

Text

Beta, Theta, and Me Chapter 9: Magic Carpet Ride

Chapters: 9/?

Fandom: Thor (Movies), Avengers (Movies) Marvel Cinematic Universe

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Relationships: Loki x Reader (But not right now),Drug Use

Characters: Loki(Marvel) Additional Tags: A/B/O, Sorta, More Of An Exploration Of Life And Self Expression Within An A/B/O Framework, Loki Does What He Wants, But Loki Does Not Actually Do What He Wants, Antagonistic Bosses, Loki Has A Throne Now, But It’s Not What He Wanted

Summary: Loki, paragon of self-sacrifice, must face down a cultural taboo.

Loki stared ruefully at the little bottle of pills on the table in front of him.

“You've got to be kidding me.” he said, “Your weak mortal medicine will have no affect on me.”

Tony Stark shrugged. “Works on Cap.”

“I am not your Captain Rogers. We are worlds apart.”

“The guy's a never ending science experiment. We had to develop insanely strong meds for him because, in the event that he actually managed to get hurt, our strongest stuff couldn't help him. But I have it on good authority that this'll do the trick. That authority being your brother. King of Asgard.”

Loki glared in scandalized disbelief. “You are telling me Thor actually took one of these?”

“Took some persuading, but yeah. After he came back down, he was pretty sure they'd work on you too, despite your differences.”

Loki's eyes flicked to you, then back to Stark, then to the bottle. “Hold your tongue. We don't need to discuss this any further. I will not poison myself at your command.”

“It's not poison!” Stark insisted. “It's a painkiller and anti-inflammatory. It will help you heal.”

“You cannot expect me to degrade myself for your convenience.”

“No, I expect you to lie for your convenience.” Stark shot back. “Though I don't see how hiding this from me,” he gestured at the chair, the neck brace, “actually helped you at all. You don't get anything out of it. Anyway, you really need to start cooperating if you want to stay. I'm trying to be lenient, but the more you complicate things, the more likely it is you'll be discovered. I think we all agree that would be bad.

As for you, if you want to come back downstairs and rejoin society, we've always got space for you” he said to you. “The baristas have been asking after you.”

“No!” Loki burst, “If I must befoul myself with your medicines to retain my lodgings, then I require her assistance to oversee things while I am...impaired.”

It had been an accident. Or rather, a lapse in personal judgment. You had left Loki after dressing him one morning, to fix breakfast, and Stark had shown up. And because he was your boss, and owned the building, you had just let him in. That's right, you had helped out the landlord. Your parents would be ashamed of you. You were ashamed.

And the silent fury Loki had been radiating when he wheeled out into the seating area and Stark had gotten a look at him as he really was made you surprised that he wanted to keep you around at all.

Stark had given him an exasperated earful, and then left, coming back this morning with a bottle full of small pills. You couldn't even come close to pronouncing the complicated name on the label, but from what Stark was saying, they were the kind of thing that should never be taken by a normal person. Not if they had been made with Captain America in mind. Not if they were powerful enough to string out Thor.

You were surprised Loki was even pretending to go along with this, considering the cultural attitudes to chemical medicines in Asgard. Really, you fully expected him to order you to throw the pills away once Stark left.

When you brought him his tea, he sighed deeply, his expression a mask of utter melancholic resignation.

“Crush one of those accursed pills into a powder and add it to the tea.” he said woefully. “Stay by me as I suffer this indignity. Be forgiving of any upcoming transgressions, I implore you.”

“Hey, I'm sure it won't be that bad.” you said, grabbing a cooking spoon, and carefully breaking the pill down into a fine powder with the handle. “It won't stay in your system for very long. Your body will filter it out and flush it away, and you'll be clean again.”

You brushed the powder into his teacup, and stirred until it dissolved. Then you handed it over to Loki, who stared into the cup morosely.

“Won't it be good to not be in pain, even just for a little while?”

“I thought that many times, when I was in the clutches-” He stopped abruptly. “I've thought that many times. It is always denied to me somehow. There's always a catch.” He took a long sip of the tea, and sighed again. “And so I am tainted. At least the tea doesn't taste any different. You are getting better at that.”

“Here, have a muffin.” you offered him your freshest creation. “It says on the bottle that you're supposed to take it with food.”

He accepted the muffin with all the graveness of a prisoner at his last meal, but he thanked you graciously, and stopped you when you started to leave his side.

“I will be rendered a senseless fool by this foul poison. You must stay close, so that I do not do something utterly moronic, like throwing myself from the balcony on the assumption that I can fly. I might not actually survive in my situation, and I dislike long falls anyway.”

“You're scared of heights?” you asked, scarcely able to believe it.

“No,” he said haughtily, “I dislike long falls. It is different.”

“Why do they bother you?”

“That is personal.”

“I've seen your dick.” you pointed put.

“You would not be the first.” he said, matching you for vulgarity.

You rolled your eyes. “Whatever. Do you want more tea?”

Loki glanced into his empty teacup, bemused to see the bottom.

“Yes, I suppose I would.” he said, setting it down for you.

He had tried to teach you the fine art of pouring tea, and you had finally managed to do it without dribbling, but, as Loki put it, you also did it without grace. He didn't say anything this time, just tightened his lips in a sarcastic way, and took a sip.

At least you knew how to make tea to his specifications. It wasn't difficult, once you had figured it out. Just measurements and timing.

He had devoured his muffin, so you brought him another. Loki was extremely particular about flavors; not adventurous at all. Even banana nut offended his senses. But cream cheese met his approval in every application so far, even if he did complain about the texture of bagels.

“You'll have to get me an Asgardian cookbook, if this keeps up.” you said. “I might be able to whip you up something that reminds you of home.”

“I do not necessarily always want to be reminded of home.” Loki said. “And some of our dishes take many hours, even days to make. I need you for more than that. You cannot be in the kitchen at every moment.”

You would never admit it to anyone, but you got a surge of secret pleasure every time Loki said that he needed you. You'd always enjoyed hearing it from others, but it was so much better coming from a god.

Though it did make you wonder if the isolation up here was messing with your head a bit.

“Besides,” he continued, “enough cheese, bread, and meat will approximate the diet well enough. Asgardians have high metabolisms, and require many calories, and so do I. Our active lifestyles tend to make us big eaters as well, although I do not get my usual exercises these days.”

“If you would actually give yourself the time to relax and heal, you might be able to get back to that sooner.”

“Yap, yap, you nag like a bratty lapdog.” He scorned. Your eyebrows skyrocketed.

“Well gee,” you said with exaggerated shock, “if you don't want me here, just go ahead and say so. I'll go downstairs and be a barista.”

“No, you cannot leave me!” There was a distinct waver in his voice. “I will be polite. You won't leave me, will you? I didn't mean it.”

“Loki.” you said, suddenly feeling guilty. He sounded like a scolded little boy, on the verge of tears. “I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry about that. You should be more polite though.”

He reached out gracefully and took your hand.

“Dear lady...” he began, his words slightly slurred, and you finally realized that the medicine was taking effect.

“How are you feeling?” you asked, filling his tea again.

“Strange.” he said. “I feel light, but like there is a weight upon my eyes. Light, but like I cannot lift my limbs. One with this chair. Melting into the floor. I do not hurt...it's been so long...”

He really was starting to tear up.

You took his tea from his trembling hand and grabbed up a tissue.

“Here you go.” you said, dabbing his eyes gently. “Go ahead and enjoy it. Pain shouldn't be an everyday thing for you, if it doesn't have to be. You don't have to feel bad for enjoying a little bit of peace.”

“No, you don't understand. I don't deserve this. The pain was at least something familiar. I don't recognize this feeling. This lightness. It doesn't feel real.”

“Well, you are real, and I am real, and the medicine is real. The feeling is the medicine acting on your perceptions, so it's kinda real, it's just different than usual, that's all.” you patted his hand, and he grabbed for yours.

“Will this feeling go away?”

“Of course!” you laughed, “don't worry, this is just temporary. It will help your neck, and when you're healed, you won't have to take it anymore.”

“What if I can't stop?” he asked. “I am...not good at refraining from...indulgence.”

“If no one brings you anymore, what could you do about it?”

“If I am healed enough to remove this brace? To move about freely? What could I not do about it?”

“You know, that's a good point. I think we'll have to find you some of that ultra-powerful super weed the cops keep saying totally exists, but no one else seems to be able to find.”

He gave you a sideways stare. “More poisons?”

“It's to help free you from the other poison. But there are multiple strategies for getting clean, if that really becomes a problem. It's not like I've never seen addicts before; I'll help you if you need me.”

He reached for your hand again, and missed.

“Blessed thing.” he blabbered. “You are a draught of Alfar wine, brewed under the starlight. The fresh breeze through the forests of Vanaheim, just after sunrise. You are the faithful moon, pure as gold.”

“And you are high as balls.” you teased, bashful about the flowery praise. You really shouldn't be pledging any more of yourself, but the allure of being needed-wanted even, was as addictive as any drug.

“You are the only once who may see.” he said. “I want no one else to see me like this. Stark especially. None save you may witness my dishonor.”

“Loki,” you mock-scolded, “if you keep looking at it like that, you'll impede your own progress. You'll fight it subconsciously, and just slow your healing down.”

“How, pray tell, should I look at it then?” he asked.

You took his hand, which was still waving around after yours.

“Look at it as permission. Permission to relax, to let the guard down and just exist for a while. You have everything you need right here, you can just be. It's okay to take some time to just be.”

“Just be what though? What is worth it for me to be?”

You shrugged. “A prince?”

“In exile.”

“A god?”

“Blasphemed rather than worshiped.”

“How about...my master?”

He squirmed a little in his chair.

“I could perhaps do that effectively.” he said quietly.

#betathetaandme #loki (marvel)#loki x reader

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ryuichirou · 4 years

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Hi, Ryu❤️ Hope u’r doing well❤️

Since u’r talking about ships lately, I’m really curious to hear your opinion about Aru//Ani, its execution, development and progression throughout the whole plot👀, if it’s not a problem and especially if u have the time to. Its shippers claim Isym has been doing a great build up since FT arc (???) and that, despite the lack of development onscreen, the dynamic makes sense (???) cause they “complete” each other and they learnt how to “love and respect” each other throughout the past 4 years (???!!!).

And... I don’t know, Ryu: I really tried to consider their pov, even reread the A/A interactions and look at the dynamic with shipping goggles on, but I really failed to see and understand what they claim. Actually, I keep seeing this dynamic as insulting not just for Armin and Annie’s characters in first place, but also for Eren, Mikasa, Hitch and Berthold. Moreover, it seems nothing but an addiction made out for fanservice, cause it serves absolutely nothing to the plot: if u cut their interactions post 131ch, the story wouldn’t change in the least. Also, their interactions weren’t even that romantic and weren’t focused at all about their supposed “crush” for each other. I personally believe Armin is using Annie as coping mechanism and/or just a mean to substitute Eren; whereas Annie is substituting Armin with her father, cause she feels adrift and desperate, and seeks for someone who cherishes her and appreciates her for the person she is no matter the harsh things she did in the past (I’m crying for Hitch in the mid time....). Other than that, I’m believing also in Berthold’s influence on Armin, cause it’s the only explanation for the sudden interest of boy towards girl, that happen to begin exactly after he ate Berthold: it can’t be just a coincidence imo.

So yeah, at the end of the day, I’m pretty sad cause I used to love both the characters and now I’m much conflicted atm, cause I see nothing but a huge derailment for both and a waste for Annie’s one, who’s developing literally over a love interest... And it’s a very huge pity to me.

Sorry for the big ask, lol... I have this weight on my chest and I confess it’s actually ruining my love for SnK: I feel like everything after 131ch started sucking pretty hard... Plus, the fandom became more toxic than ever😔😔😔

I was waiting for someone to ask me about them eventually, and honestly... Anon, you're such a big mood lol

You’ve guessed correctly: I don’t like AruAni. Not because we personally don’t ship it, but because it doesn’t make sense and (for now) it’s unclear what it the purpose of this storyline and if there’s even going to be a purpose. I don’t recommend anyone shipping them reading my reply.

Basically, Anon, you’ve described everything perfectly, so I’m just going to agree with all your points. I also don’t see a reason for Armin to have this type of love for Annie. I see a coping mechanism, I see something to escape to from the Eren problem, I can even see a self-punishment of sorts, but I don’t see that sweet crush we’re led to believe is there. See, Armin didn’t even know Annie that well. They talked like twice, and then the Female Titan thing happened, and then… he was talking to her for years, but he still never learnt anything about her. How can he love her if he doesn’t even know who the fuck Annie is? And yeah, it’s convenient Bertold timing, I wonder if it’s going to come up later.

We feel like it’s unfair to other characters. It’s also extremely unfair to Hitch that’s also been here for Annie for all those years but didn’t get the special treatment for some reason. Like... their reasoning would be pretty much the same, they could’ve made Hitch her love interest for all the same reasons.

It’s unfair to Annie herself, because, based on what we know about her, she’s drawn to stubborn idiots going against the flow. Because she herself could never do that. This is the point of her character: she could never stand against what people asked her to do, even when she knew it was useless or wrong. This is why Eren intrigues her, this is why Marlo intrigues her.

Of course I’m biased here, and don’t get me wrong: I don’t see EreAnnie becoming a canon thing either lol and I talked about how I don’t care about ships being canon in general a bunch of times already. I’m saying this as an example of a dynamic that actually... works for her type of character. But all the development Annie’s got was kickstarted by Eren being interested in her fighting style and being the first person who legitimately interested her on this island (and who was interested in her too to some extent, at least interested in something she was proud of and deeply loved). She also deeply appreciated it, they had funny dialogues together, and he was the first and only person she had flirted with, which is a huge step for a character as shy, distant and serious as Annie. Seeing her now blushing for Armin looks like a joke when you keep these things in mind. You can listen to his stories all you want, but it’s strictly one-sided. And, like I said, Hitch can also have the same chances with this type of logic. Their pie-eating scene has more chemistry than all AruAni moments.

The “good person/bad person” dialogue with Armin doesn’t feel like a development to me because they were just mirroring each other’s thoughts, so it’s like talking to yourself…

Ok, that was a little bit off topic lol. But yeah, this is why for now we think that either there will be a twist of sorts (i’ll take killing Armin as a twist) or the editor just made Isayama push this narrative, since Isayama doesn’t strike me as a type who likes romance that much or ships his own characters, plus he used romance for proving the cruel world motif so many times already. Or this is just exactly what it is, a last minute het romance, and we’ll end up sitting there like bitter losers being all upset, Anon haha

The fandom’s always going toxic and pretty feral as soon as het couples pop up, and in general huge fanbases mean nothing good unless you want that sweet clout to make money or get attention, so the only thing I can advice you is to distance yourself from them so that it won’t ruin your SnK experience even more. I don’t know you or your feelings, but I think you’re just upset about AruAni thing, this is why the manga sucks to you right now (well, you basically said it yourself, if I got you correctly). And that’s fine and we’re annoyed by this thing a lot too, so we can definitely understand this sentiment. Personally, we pretend like this bs romance never happened so it won’t ruin our experience, and we’ll see what to think about it when SnK is over. Like, what if it’s just a plot device and we get ourselves worried about nothing? I wanna believe that... :”)

And can I just… use this chance to say how frustrated I am that the majority of Annie content there is is either AruAni or BerAni (or the trio)? It’s like she isn’t important when she’s not in the context of those relationships… It upsets me a lot.

Let me just say this… Reiner had more development with Annie than Armin and Bertolt combined. There, I said it. And Reiner’s fucking gay.

Overall, we’ll see how everything plays out, and then you can come again to us and we’ll bitch together lol

#replies #annie leonhart #armin arlert

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eyesaremosaics · 3 years

Text

I haven’t written anything in a long time. I used to write articles on here... on various topics. Spiritualism, paganism, divination, astrology, the occult, psychology, numerology, oceanography... I also used to write a lot of personal introspection here (which got me into trouble on a number of occasions). I have always been a firm believer, of living fearlessly out in the open. No matter what a hot mess you may be. I needed to experience my intense emotions fully to get over them, and it may not work for some people, but it turned out alright for me.

I suppose I only wrote when I was in pain.

I want to shift my focus back to varied interests, which is far more interesting than the tedious bore that is ones feelings. Not that I didn’t find that exchange valuable, I touched a lot of gentle souls who could relate, and I think it was of mutual healing benefit... but I just think I’ve grown past all that now.

I don’t have any feelings of anger or bitterness toward any of my exes anymore. It’s so strange... after seven plus years of intense love for someone, only to be heartbroken again and again... after all that, I just don’t feel anything there anymore. No resentment, no hatred, no anger. But at the time it was unraveling, I became a husk. A fragile shell, chipping away from itself. Crumbling to dust in my very own hands. I destroyed anything good that came into my life because I didn’t feel that I deserved it. It was a thread through all my relationships.

We meet toxic people along the way, because at that point in time, we were both equally damaged, and related to each other by the level of pain that we experienced. I trauma bonded over and over again. My relationships were full of projections, insecurities, maladaptive coping mechanisms, addiction, plagued with distrust and ultimately betrayal. When your relationship is filled with nothing but conflict—how could it end any other way? I tried to do that last time, but unfortunately that person did not make it easy to stay amicable.

Sometimes things just don’t work out, and it’s not anybody’s fault. It just is what it is, and it was what it was. Looking back, I see the important lessons I learned from each of them, and ultimately—nearly being destroyed so many times made me incredibly strong. There is a deep resilience that lives in me, and I always find a way to survive, and then thrive again. Also, learned to have healthier boundaries.

If it hadn’t been for the sum of all my experiences in life, I wouldn’t be who I am today. The type of girlfriend I am for Yury is very different than who I was with other people. I am healthier, more creative an ambitious, innovative, and all around more thorough and intelligent as a result of being with him. He has had a profound scholarly influence on me. His sweetness and gentleness are so genuine, and we have no secrets, full and complete openness and honesty with one another. We have trust, and he genuinely loves me for my brain and not my physical (though he loves that too). He’s always wanting to know what I’m thinking, always wanting to engage in witty banter, or intellectual repartee.

We have our challenges, we both struggle with moods, but we both take turns and are very supportive of the other when it’s not our turn. We also both struggle with chronic pain. We both have anxiety. He’s an architect, makes his own way in the world, has his own business. He works hard. He is also very talented and eclectic. Nice to meet a fellow art snob. He went to an art high school here on SF, and to a prestigious art college for architecture. Blonde and blue eyed, I always had a thing for Slavic men, don’t know why. I’ve always found Russian culture to be fascinating, and I love learning about it from him. It’s like entering into another world. So deliciously different from mine.

He has a great sense of humor, and he is so playful and childlike. We love to cuddle and watch cartoons. He loves to go on long walks/hikes with me. Day adventures to half moon bay, going to art exhibits and antique stores. Camping in Mendocino, he likes to make art together above all. Building models, playing magic the gathering. He used to be a reggae dj, and he’s also really into rap. Our music tastes are soooo opposite, but I can dig a lot of stuff that he likes, it’s fun to learn about something new. He’s really into spiritual matters and is very psychic as I am. We both have had severe night terrors since we were little. We both come from immigrant families from different cultures (who believe they have a family curse on them). He’s deeply monogamous as I am. Though my jealousy and insecurity prickle once and a while, I’ve never felt so safe with a partner. Every day he shows me just how all about us he is, and it’s really special. I never thought it would happen.

It’s out there for all of you, I promise it is. Just be patient. The universe works in mysterious ways... but I promise it will all make sense someday.

#me

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sunritual · 3 years

Text

Robots don’t need to be sentient to destroy us.

Navy mock neck long sleeves big orange and little white stripe on tube cage sides

A veritcal line stretch waistband

Cross cross and straps back

Square high neck

Scarlet polka dots around can light blue text and beach image as front

Blue stroke red inside square, blue triangle rainbow with eye and funky font

Y either know a particular topic or not , but it’s hard to pin down intelligence on one category

Cream background , ice cream pink script name kinda bev hills hotel script looking ish

Move your mouth in a differ way

Supersonic vibrating butt cleaner

Half magenta half red violet a blue teacup in the center with white floral frills thick serif font

Pink background am orange flower in a vase white present ribbon n red as a table

An app that familiarizes people with science - through experimental learning ― hands on experiences that make it seem less top down and authoritarian , and more like a set of steps that we take, things that anyone can do to get closer with nature and the world

A social media philosophy app - teaches what others said and gives people a chance to express their views , postulate, argue, etc gadfly? How would be avoid a shit show, how can we make social media more humanitarian. how can we care about people while also expressing deeply held ideas , how can we encourage users to examine their deeply held ideas without alienating them. How can we discourage hatred and abuse and groupthink with design? How do we slow people down and encourage them to recognize the human behind the screen. Street epistemology? Socratic dialogue?

Socrates - asking questions. Breaking it down to bits. Deeply understanding their argument. Asking about different possibilities and circumstances. Take vast assumptions and show scenarios that make go against them.

Build fact checking into apps

Narrative self vs experiential

Walks you through steps of the sciefitifc method and encourages you to explain how you feel each step actually helped you- then walks you through a scientist doing the same for their reasarch

Republicans only want to be free in the specific ways that benefit corporations

Are Christians more willing to support the death pen early because they already believe in the cruel and overstepping punishment of hell?

Where did the idea come from that you need to remain impartial when trying to persuade

The idea that there is someone in a similar but different dwelling, hearing similar but different sounds and feeling similar but different feelings is wild

We synthesize sets of traits, and particular actions in a super biased culturally constructed way

With the way we see things as humans- we categorize things into groups that aren’t really reaaal ― paratheletic groups

I just want the people and jobs that benefit society

Connection to nietzsches Dionysian art and eckheart tolle/Taoism

No matter your personality, there is probably a part of the world that you would fit in with naturally.

An ordinary girl is selected as one of the representatives of earth in the first meeting of various alien species after one advanced planet discovered and United 10. Confused as to why she was chosen, she goes on her journey meeting

Wha ba Bada da da da da dada he’s a wha ba ba dadada as a matter of fact it’s not my fault if you came up here thinking that you would win

Wanting to break boundaries and rules for the sake those who are hurt by the rules

You are imagining the best case scenario of the life you want to have and experience Ming the reality of the life you so have.

Yes her drips cosmetics line to students i. Class

Chez it people can goldfish people

Your personality flows where a system needs it to go to maintain balance

Ah you fucking saw a tik Tok about that didn’t you

Coincidence and intention are two sides of a tapestry, my lord. You may find one more agreeable to look at, but you cannot say one is true and the other is false.””

Clay busts with abstract art and philosophical musings (throws up)

Do a sketch a day

What if someone ran for president as an impression of a famous person

Full stemmed flowers, wiggly text creeping behind

Balloons of various sizes and cooors holding people and things

Kelly green cream hot pink black

Green outline one pink air brush cream background black marks

Emdr applebees , bat mitzvah toasts Amitals bat mitzvah , Fiona - i like her better just kidding ,

We tend to learn words by synonyms and not definitions

A bully who takes a kids lunch money everyday all through out high school and secretly puts it in a Roth IRA and presents it to them at graduation

Set up drum set

When it comes to something we have no knowledge of or evidence or proof being certain is the most illogical thing you can be

Getting a degree in philosophy is the not going to college of going to college

It ain’t what they call you it’s what you answer to

You don’t just get to jump from bright moment to bright moment - part of the job is the frustrating ones and the climb to get to be actually good. It’s gonna be bad in the beginning but it’s a measure of how dedicated you are to your craft. Frustration is the process.

You have to decide whit shit sandwjicj you prefer - everything is gonna suck some of the time but if you pick your dream you’ll have those bright moments and at least that shit sammie will be worth it - the bad parts of job you have no interest in don’t add up to anything. If you love what you do you will accept the downsides.

People are like tape. Going through the world collecting bits and pieces of things but none of those things are really them . We can identi ft with them and create with them but we can also escape from them.

I wonder what all these people think about being alive

Curiosity makes everything play. It invites exploration. It makes me see opportunities everywhere makes everything new

Bias to action. Try things. Get your hands dirty, fail Fortean and find what works. Remaining nimble and constantly rethinking

Reframe the problem. Step back, re-examine the problem, examine biases and be open to new solutions

Clay matches clay fire

The differences and similarities between us

Looking back, historical events seem bound to happen, but a few small events could’ve stopped them. Thinking diffently.

“They became revolutionaries despite themselves”

Artists way workbook design

I’m at Eton having to walk around to quell the feeling of being so exited about the future and my possibilities and so sure of success and beauty and magic and love and adventure. I’m going to make beautiful pictures I’m going. To tear down the status quo I’m going g to make people feel like they have on antigravity. I’m so a part of it i made it. I’m a muse I’m it omg I’m so exited - listening to John Denver

Joy is just a thing that he was raised on love is just a way to live and die.

The only thing that made Abe Lincoln Abe Lincoln (tm) was doing what Abe Lincoln (tm) did. The actions that he took made him a hero in history. There was nothing i ate in him that made his great, his actions did. Whatever help inate qualities may have gave him in terms of doing the actions that made him what he was could be negated by pma and doing the damn work to get yourself to where you need to be. Believing it so makes you inclined to take the actions that improve your skills and get to to the point where you can do the things it takes to be who you want to be.

Little vases

I feel like we’ve become addicted to finding things wrong with what people say. Silence the critic. It’s fine. Most people have the best intentions. It’s not that serious. The group you are offended for likely aren’t mad anyway. There is way more you can do - they don’t care about picking the right term

I wanted a very simple menu that could maximize customization options in The shortest amount of time possible for a very fast paced food truck. The system allows the customers to design their own grilled cheese sandwich but ideally would save time by not requiring each guest to decide which cheese and which bread from a long line of choices.

I feel I’m so afraid of being dunning Krueger that i tell myself i am terrible at everything no matter what i actually think about my abilities. You can just say your a beginner you don’t have to say you suck. Plus thinking you suck doesn’t make you any better, honestly worse. You don’t have to rate your abilities just focus on the future, make sure your doing baby steps and make sure they are the right baby steps

Chives ward off insects

Loving thebsunlightttttyt!!

I don’t think music is really something that needs to be critiqued for me ― it’s more about feeling it’s about magic and truth and light or darkness. Getting whatever needs to be out out. it all serves a purpose and is for an audience , if your not in that audience then there’s no need to comment

I have to is weird backwards idea that it’s Nobel to be like you know what I’m not good at this imma bow out. But that is so wrong you have to struggle through it. Pike how i feel like my thoughts are more concise then my writing. There’s no glory in not trying to improve that. You have to awkawardly write until you can beautifully write.

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biglokinator · 4 years

Text

December 17

I was at balcony, standing near the handrail, looking at the stars and dreaming about him. Dreaming about how many hugs and kisses I would give to Loki. If only he could be here. If only... if only I could really say I love you for the first time to him. What if... what if I was able to do that before, but fear and disappointment made me to kept those words in my damn mind? How can I forgive myself not doing that? Not telling Loki those good and lovely things he really deserved? How can I forgive? Someone in this world please tell me!

-Hey, why are you here? -As I heard footsteps behind me, I exhaled deeply and imperceptibly wiped my tears away. I turned back to Aaron with a smilling face.- Have you been crying? -My brother’s expression changed quickly when he saw me.

-Yes. -I fake smiled again.- But those tears are happy tears. Like.. tears of joy. -I shrugged.- I will come back to party in couple of minutes.

-Oh, cmon, sis. It’s your birthday. How can you say that when everyone is looking for you?

-I just need to be alone right now. I promise, I’ll be back in ten minutes.

-Okay. Okay. -He was going to go, when suddenly turned back.- Before I forget and before you are all alone, this letter was given to me to give to you. -He gave me an envelope, which was green and my heart just skipped a beat.- So... here you go. -Said Aaron and went back to the building. I was still looking at that thing in my hands. It was from him. From Loki. I knew it, as soon as I saw it’s color.

-Oh, it’s my favorite kind of green. -I was touching it carefully. Honestly I didn’t want to open, but also I was looking forward to read this letter.

“Open it please.” Said my another self in mind. “Cmon, what are you waiting for? Don’t be a coward! Open and read it!

I started shivering(not from a cold weather, but from anxiety). I was afraid of Loki. I was aftaid of his words. I didn’t know what was written in this letter... But logically I will never know if I don’t open it.

-So, I’m doing it... -I exhaled air deeply and opened green envelope, when suddnely from nowhere Thor appeared in front of me.- Oh, my GOD! What on the earth?! -I screamed with fear, as I looked at Asgardian’s frightened face. It was so unexpected.. Also he was nervous about something.

-Don’t read that letter. -Odinson Said carefully.

-Why? -I got confused.

-Because it’s not true what it’s written there. -Thor pointed at letter.

-Where do you know what is written here? -I asked with a doubtful voice.

-Cmon, do you really think Loki would sent you an envelope? -God of thunder asked me sarcastically. I didn’t like his tone. He seemed unusually unusuall.

-Cmon, do you really think Loki would come here to talk to me? -I asked it ironically too with a painful laugh. I know he’s not the type of person, who writes a letter, but in that moment when my brother gave me an envelope, for one second I really thought it was from him. And if it’s not from god of mischief, then who would want to do that on my birthday? I put down envelope on the table.

-You know him very well. No one knows what will come to his mad mind.

-So what are you trying to say, that he’s may be here? -I asked with my eyes wide open.- There is no way. -I shook my head.- I’m sure Loki’s somwhere far away. I won’t be surprised if I listen a story from you about him, how he demolished another planet.

-Is he tho? -Thor shrugged in a funny way, but I didn’t laugh.

-Thor stop! -I said loud.- Don’t do that!

-Don’t do what? -He asked with a surprise, like he really didn’t know.

-That!

-What?

-I will beat your ass, right now, if you won’t stop! -I pointed my index finger to him.

-Okay, okay. -He raised up his both hands as a sign of give up.

-Why are you really here, Thor?

-To talk about my brother. -He got serious in seconds.- I wanna know the truth... About him and you. What is going on?

-Um... I... Are you sure you want to hear?

-Yes, darling. I’m listening. -Thor said and crossed his hands on his chest, like Loki would. And I realised, he was Loki in disguise. I got even nervous, when I realised who was actually standing right in front of me. This little... Ugh! Odinson junior was playing his brother’s role so damn well... until now. He really, really shouldn’t have said those words. So you wanna play game like that, huh?

FINE!

-Well... -I sighed.- As we already know, your brother is a real pain in ass, a real catastrophe and all that stuff. It is a way how he want to be seen in public, or maybe he doesn’t even want to be seen in that way at all. -I shrugged.- But I know one thing. -I raised my finger and got closer to Thor-Loki. He was looking at me with curiosity.

-Like what?

-Like what and... I know he isn’t that bad as it seems. Loki is confused, disappointed and heartbroken by your stupid father. -Thor got angry.- I’m sorry for saying that, but I had to. I’m sorry, but when it comes to your brother, there is no way of hiding the truth and my truth is that, if I could, I would give him the world and attention he needed all this years. I would give him even my own world too if it’s possible, because as much as he’s strong and powerful, he’s also vulnerable and lost. And I can’t stand when I have to look at him in his beautiful eyes and only see the pain, jealousy, anger, sometimes tears too. It’s not a real Loki. And I know if he was here, he would ask me how the hell I know who is a real Loki then, but trust me, I know. -I shrugged again and smiled slightly.- I also know that you will do me a favour and instead of me, you will wish Loki a happy birthday. -He’s face changed and got even more serious. Someone wasn’t expecting the last sentence. I could see that in Loki’s teary eyes. He cleared his throat. -Is there anything you would like to say? -Loki asked almost silently and carefully.

-Yes. -I answered shortly.- I would like to say that... -I looked at my fingers. I’m not sure if it’s a good or a bad idea. But if don’t take that chance as a hint...- that, I love him.

-What? -Tear dropped on his cheek.- What did you say? -Loki got even more close to me.

-That I love your brother. I love Loki. And I’m so sorry about what happened to him and I recently. Can you tell him those words for me? -I was looking at Loki. He was silent. Didn’t say anything. He started to walk around balcony with his hands on his back, as always.

-Wow. -Then finally started talking: - Wasn’t expecting that. I’m sorry, but I think it’s not enough for Loki to believe in your words.

-Oh, really? -I raised an eyebrow.- Then exactly what should I do to prove him I’m right and I’m not a bad liar like him? Should I colonize a planet too? Or kill people?

-You just have to kiss him. -Loki transformed into his real body with a smirk on his face. The Asgardian came even more close and touched me on my cheeks with fingers.

-And that’s all? J-just a kiss? -I was looking at his eyes and I can really tell, for the longest time, he was truly happy. As I wished about some minutes ago, I hugged him very tight. He didn’t hesitate to do the same and because of his touch, my heart begin to jump out from my chest.

-No, it’s not just a kiss, darling. -He whispered and touched my neck with lips.- I want everything from you. I want you!

-Loki... I- after all I have done to you-

-Shut up. It wasn’t your fault. I made you do that. The one should apologize is me. I’m truly sorry, love. -Loki was staring at me with pain. He’s eyes were full of grief and sorrow.

-Don’t look at me like that ever again.. like you are in great anguish. I said that I love you. I truly do with all my heart. You are precious to me. -While I was confessing my feelings for him, he just stood there with a smilling face.

-Where and when on the earth did I deserve to be loved and appreciated by you? -Then he laughed with a surprise.

-Since our first meet. -I shrugged.

-Guess, I’ve never said before that I care about you. I’m terribly in love with you, if you wanna know. I didn’t want to say any of this words, because.. you know why. -He laughed again, but it was a nervous laugh.- But some things had changed so... I realised I wanted you by my side. You still don’t have an idea how I’m addicted to you. I love everything in you. You just have to believe me this time.

-Wh- Is that really you? -I was so shocked, because of this words. Did I- did I really listen carefully and right? Or am I dreaming?- Are you allright?

-Am I? Are you? -Loki smirked and engrasped his hands on my waist. And I felt that...That spectacular feeling with goosebumps in my body.- Are you? Because your face is full of confusion. And what expression will you have if I ask you to be by my side this whole life? I promise, the sun will shine on us again.

-It already does. -I couldn’t be more patient. I couldn’t wait any longer. I just wanted to kiss him and I did it with no hesitation. Loki was so soft and careful, he wasn’t hurrying anywhere, so he was kissing me slowly and sweetly. His one hand touched my cheeks and then fingers slided into my hair. I repeated Loki’s move and felt those goosebumps again in every inch of my body.

-You know, darling... -A few seconds later god of mischief stopped kissing me and whispered: -I will never try to harm you, I will never try to disappoint you, I will never leave you and most importantly I will NEVER stop loving you. -Once again he kissed me, but in a forehead and held me close to his chest. I heard how fast was Loki’s heart beating.

For the first time in my life this was the most special birthday I have ever had.

—————————————————

Hello guys, I hope someone will read this. Btw, it’s my first imagine on tumblr so I hope it wasn’t that bad. I know there are some mistakes, but I really wanted to write something in English. Also, it’s not my native language and it was so hard not to write in my first language, but I tried my best and hope you’ll like it. 💙

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caffeinated-chaos-bean · 3 years

Text

Mid-2021 Blog Update

Hey guys.

So... It’s been a while. Quite a while... and I want to lay some things out as to why I’ve been gone and the blog has practically been dead in the water for half a year, if not for a whole year.

I want you to know that what I’m going to say will be in heavy detail. I’m comfortable speaking on it, and what information doesn’t just include me will be using either public details that I know I can share or will be put in a short and sweet manner.

This is your trigger warning: If you need to click off or scroll past due to the mention of extremely bad mental health, toxic relationships and households, the mention of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, please do so now.

. . .

First off, I’ve lessened the amount of time I’ve been online due to my mental health. I was put on antidepressants as well as told to take anti-anxiety gummies in November and will be weaned off of those starting this October. A lot of my family and relationship drama on top of the world practically shutting down and going into chaos thanks to COVID-19 just took a major toll on me. With so much on my shoulders, stress from living with said things on my shoulders, unsupportive family members, and an emotionally distant partner, I was at one of the lowest points in the life. I’d never had to be on mood-related medication in my life until last November. I’d always been able to handle what was thrown at me, but mid- to late-2020 was what knocked me down that low for the first time in my life. Suicidal thoughts came and went (they weren’t often, only when I couldn’t bottle my emotions up any longer but didn’t have a way to express them either), but even when they did, I knew that it was just in my head. I never once chose to act on them, because to me, that is not a way to solve a problem or escape your inner demons. All it does it put your personal suffering onto those around you -- your friends, family, and those who cared about you even when you don’t see it -- and it doesn’t do anyone any good. When my doctor asked me about suicide, that’s the very explanation I gave her. Yes, they happened, but I’d never act on them; it’s not a way out and it puts your pain onto others and only worsens the situation for the long-term.

Aside from that, though... I move on to other personal reasons for my absence that helped trigger what was mentioned above. Mid-August of 2019, my then fiancé's mother was murdered by two 17yr old boys of whom she and their family knew. Going off the information that was made public, one boy had mixed meth with marijuana prior to the killing. He claimed that my fiancé’s mother mouthed off and made a derogatory comment about his deceased mother, thus sparking the incident. While he claims to have only stabbed her once, the autopsy report shows that her head/face and upper torso were “hacked, slashed, and chopped” repeatedly with “various sharp, bladed objects”. Not only did they murder her, the two individuals also set the grass around her body on fire along with her home. When we found out about this having happened, I had no idea how bad it would have turned my relationship upside-down. My now ex-fiancé didn’t come from a great childhood, there was abuse and CPS, among other things. But he had managed and was a good person. He could make me laugh and tear up at his jokes, sang beautifully, and did everything to make those around him happy. When he lost his mom, it broke him. It shattered his very being, because not only did he know the two who caused it to happen, he also was unable to reconcile and make amends with his mother for what he went through as a child. He was robbed of being able to forgive and be on good terms with her, and it broke him. He stopped communicating with family, he took bereavement after being pulled from work by family the day it was confirmed to be his mother only to to fired 3 months down the line when he tried to go back (fuck Walmart for that btw), and was slowly becoming a hypochondriac. He stopped talking to me, he would cry in his sleep, and grief made him lash out as was expected. But as the days dragged on, his motivation and care towards finding a new job dwindled. He and my mother would fight endlessly and I was caught in the middle of it, as we all were in one household. There were times in which I would keep my phone on my leg and record for my own personal documentation should I need it due to how bad my own mother would belittle me, belittle my ex behind his back, and just scream and go off. When I’d turn to my ex for comfort, he wasn’t much help due to his own deteriorating mental health. He took to discord, specifically the Vampire the Masquerade community, as his escape from reality. He eventually would hardly talk to me at all, show no compassion, and at times I tried to speak with him about getting a new job or suggesting part-time ones that I felt would be easy and as stress-free as possible for him, I would be shooed away without a word; if I tried to further my attempt to have the conversation, he eventually got an attitude and would just say “Bye!” over and over again while shooing with his hand to get me to leave. There were many days where I’d get off work and sit in the bathroom for an hour and cry because of my frustration and how I felt stuck between two people I cared about deeply (ie. my ex and my mother).

My ex has since moved out and no longer lived with us. He and I are no longer together, and he has cut off all communication to me along with his family. He isn’t living in California anymore, really. He met up with discord friends and is in another state. That’s the last I heard from him. That’s the last his family heard. He doesn’t talk to us or attempt to reach out or respond when his family reaches out. I still very much care about him and want him to get better, but if he has to do so by being away from everyone, then so be it.

While I was letting - or shutting out, rather - the emotions I was feeling once he officially moved out, I relapsed with my anxiety tick; with my trichotillomania. I have a good number of smaller, thinned out spots in my hair from unconsciously pulling out strands of hair when my emotions didn’t know how to regulate. I’m still fighting to get this under control, as I do still catch myself doing it and so does my mother. It currently is not as bad as when my ex first moved out and I had to adjust back into sleeping alone and without someone next to me, but I do still pull. I am looking into trying to get my sister to order me a HabbitAware bracelet for me this Christmas in order to help get my tick back under control. I know its something I will live with forever and go in and out of doing, as there is no cure or medication to curb trichotillomania, but its something to help me be more aware of how often I do pull and to train it to no longer be a muscle memory response.

Most recently, I’ve had to stop taking melatonin. I’ve had bouts of insomnia since my ex left, and eventually I took enough melatonin to not only build an immunity to it but also a slight dependence. I was taking more than I should have been, and I noticed the signs of it and have stopped taking melatonin altogether. Due to this, I have switched to hempseed oil gummies. I take 2 before bed and they have helped wonderfully. But, due to how easy it was for me to become dependent on melatonin, I do plan to take brief breaks from the gummies to avoid a similar situation. I also do not plan on seeking an insomnia medication due to the same reasons. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I knew i was becoming addicted, and due to this I do not wish to risk it happening with a prescription sleep medication. I will deal with my bouts of insomnia as they come.

I also am conquering my insecurities towards others knowing I am a fan of Michael Jackson; a moonwalker. In elementary school (5th grade, 2009), I went through a heavy obsessive phase when he passed. I’d never heard of him, and when I listened to his music that firs time I was instantly hooked. I was ridiculed at school after I performed “Thriller” during a talent show; I had classmates going as far as saying that I must want him to kidnap and r*pe me if I enjoyed his music so much. I didn’t understand the gravity of those comments back then the way that I do now that I’m 23, but I still knew to an extent that what they were saying was in now way a good thing. I shut out his music from mid-6th grade all the way until this year. I hadn’t listened to a single song aside from hearing “Thriller” on the radio during October. For my birthday this year, I had a friend take me out of town and get away for a day. The entire time, she surprised me by playing hours of his music when in the car with her. It has since reopened that connection to his music and I’ve been listening to his songs with a fresh take, with the mind of an adult who can comprehend his words and understand finally what he’s saying for each song. As such, I’ve become more comfortable with others knowing I’m a moonwalker. You can have your opininos of the man, you can choose to believe the tabloids and junk media or make your own conclusions after assessing the details and documents of his life, but I will enjoy the same freedom of opinion.

I know this is getting pretty long, but I wanted to fill those who still might be checking up on this blog for any sort of update or spec of life coming from it in on what’s practically killed the blogs for a good chunk of time.

I do plan to slowly start doing stuff again after Halloween. I have a video made that I plan to post for Halloween and I look forward to letting Kikumi and the others be open for asks again. Until then, may the wind guide you all. I hope everyone can have a safe and wonderful rest of August. I will see you in October.

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alightwhendarknessfell · 4 years

Text

Dear Andy,

I have debated posting this for a while, mostly because I wanted to get it right. With the WSTW re-record release approaching and things coming to light about the actions of a former member I feel that now is as good a time as ever. I don’t know if you’ll read this, but it is something that over the past year I have wanted to do. I have been unfair and overcritical and at times, downright mean. I was judging you and your actions based on my own interpretations. The events of the past few weeks have shown me that those interpretations were wrong. So here it goes…

I have been a fan of not only Black Veil, but of you going back to 2008-2009, when everything was still on Myspace. I vividly remember eagerly awaiting the release of WSTW and making my mom drive me to the local Hot Topic to pick it up the day it came out. I remember going to my first show in a small little bar in Raleigh, NC that sadly is no more, and I remember being dressed in war paint along with my best friends. I know that it may not seem like it, but I to this day consider myself a fan. The band that you created was pivotal for my teenage years and to this day the community you helped build means the world to me.

I will admit that it was my passion and love for that community that was the root of my criticism. Despite what you or others reading this may think, I do not hate you, not at all. There have been times that I felt let down, cheated, and disappointed as a fan, but the events of the past few weeks have really opened my eyes. I will get that to that point, but I did not and do not hate you. As a person I speak up, at times when I probably shouldn’t, but I do when I feel strongly about something. I have certainly made the mistake too many times of speaking before I had all the information or trusting my own judgement on things, I knew nothing about. I am trying to get better at not doing that.

I can see how some of the things I have said, condoned, or even given a platform to were mean, uncalled for, hurtful, and regrettably untrue at times. I have had this blog and been in this fandom for over a decade. I was 13-14 years old when I first made this blog, and I am almost 25 now. I look back on some of the things I said, and I deeply regret them. In 2015 this blog was accidentally deleted, and honestly it was probably for the best that some of my earlier posts are gone. Regardless, I have let myself get carried away or swept up in drama perpetuated by others (and sometimes myself). I have said things, even in the past few years that I shouldn’t have, things that could be hurtful. While my intention was never to hurt you, I think it’s safe to say that myself and others lose sight of the impact of our words when they are said behind a screen, to people we think will never read them. As a teenager or even in my early 20’s I didn’t think that someone ‘famous’ would see what I wrote, surely it would all get lost in the sea of tweets, posts and comments.

That does not make saying those things right.

I would like to personally apologize to you for not considering the fact that you might see some of those words. That you are a person with emotions just like everyone else, that could be hurt by them. I am sorry for letting others get away with saying cruel things, even if I pushed back on them or didn’t directly comment. I would be lying if I said that the fame (or infamy), status and notoriety I got for my words didn’t affect my actions. It’s sad, but true that often times more attention comes out of negativity than kindness.

As someone who has been bullied and suffers from mental illnesses, I should have left some things unsaid. I do not know you personally, I only know what you have shared. Seeing you speak about your own struggles with mental illness over the recent years has really given me a much-needed reality check. I have related to some of the things you’ve talked about more than you know. Some of the things that others and I have been critical of were clearly not the result of malicious intent but of your own hardships that we were blind to.

I think people forget, and I know I did, that when this band took off you were just a teenager yourself. To think that at 18 or 19 someone in your situation would act ‘right’ all of the time and never make mistakes is ridiculous. Not only were you a kid trying to figure the world out, but I think it has become clear that you were dealing with people who used you for their own selfish gains. That would be hard for anyone, regardless of their age.

I have never dealt with addiction on a personal level, but I emphasize with whatever pain you had to endure in your own struggles with it. You are right when you said that no one sees themselves becoming an alcoholic at twenty years old, and I am sorry for not being more sympatric in the past. One of my biggest regrets in all of this was hearing that during the time that I was probably the harshest to you (around 2016) was when you were struggling the most with trying to be sober.

I am happy that you are sober, I am glad that you were able to make it out of that cycle that consumes so many people. I hope that others who are struggling are inspired by your dedication to living a healthier life. In an industry where it is too easy to fall back into toxic behaviors and coping mechanisms, I am glad you have found strength.

I would like to speak on why I have been so negative in the past (and at times hateful). As I said, what you created in Black Veil meant a lot to me and so many others. This band has been a part of my life for so long and I have met some of the most amazing people through it. I have met people that I can honestly say I love because of this community. This fan base gave me a home when I felt alone and gave me something to identify with as a kid. That’s why I started cosplaying as you, sure it’s a hobby of mine and aesthetically I am a fan of 80’s glam metal, but it was mostly to pay tribute. I am not a ‘traditional’ artist in the sense of paintings and drawings, my media is makeup and costume. The WSTW/STWOF era is what I consider my era as a fan, the one that I identified with the most.

I admit, I was upset when it ended. That’s a stupid reason to be upset, obviously all bands change and there’s nothing wrong with that, but that’s how I felt. The source of my jadedness was not the adoption of a new look, it was deeper than that. Around 2016 was when I had the most animosity because I saw what I thought at the time was you ‘giving up’ on Black Veil. I felt like the ‘old’ fans weren’t wanted anymore and like most people, I felt the need to protect and defend what I loved.

With the introduction of your solo act, it felt like the community I cared so much about was being destroyed and I couldn’t understand why you were doing that. I was blinded by my own judgements. What came off as hate was really just hurt. I know I am not the only ‘OG’ fan who felt that way, and I took that to mean I was justified. In hindsight it is clear, none of us had any idea what was really going on with the band and certain individuals who were bringing it down. At various times it seemed like you hated the old era and as a fan who stood there from the beginning that felt like a gut punch. I let my own feelings make me bitter, and that was wrong. I let others fuel that bitterness, including ones who were actively stabbing you in the back.

I remember around 2012 I made a very critical post of an article you did in Kerrang talking about your struggles with alcohol. I criticized you for not saying more and even said that what you shared was nothing in comparison to a former member’s struggles with addiction. When I received this DM from that individual saying that they approved of my words and that I was ‘spot on’ I felt embolden. I deeply, deeply regret letting such a toxic and horrible person influence me. That post I wrote was wrong, ignorant and immature. That post was one that got deleted in 2015, but I still regret having written something so heartless.

(screen shot is from 2012, this was a Twitter DM from said individual. I did not share that post with them, they found it on their own and contacted me. )

I see now that you were not turning your back on Black Veil, you were trying to save it. The interview you did with Ryan Downey brought me to tears. I cannot imagine what it feels like to have something you spent your whole life fighting for be taken over by an abusive, evil, and selfish person. I feel like I have gained a better perspective of where you and the band were at over the past three weeks and I am sorry you are not free to say more. I am sorry for defending this person because they did not deserve a single fan.

Some who takes advantage of another’s passion and youth because they lack the creativity and ability to do it on their own is stealing, plain and simple. I am sorry that you have been tethered to such a horrible person for so long. I deeply admire your perseverance, strength and determination in taking back what that person tried to take. To be willing to destroy something you love and care about to keep it from the hands of evil is an incredible act of dedication to it.

I would like to end this with a few more things. I know I have been critical of people that you love. I do admit I have taken those criticisms too far at times where they crossed into bullying. I am sorry to Juliet for being unfairly harsh, I am not a hateful person, but I have allowed myself to act that way. There are certainly things that I have said that I stand by, and there are things that I may not agree with or understand, but I think there are ways that I can voice my own opinions respectfully, without being mean.

In an ideal world I would love to sit down with you, or anyone else I may have hurt and have a discussion about it, but hopefully this gets my point across well enough. I do not intend to delete my blog or stop accepting posts (although I will try and make an effort to get rid of toxic posts. It will just take a while to sort through them all). While I can’t promise to never say anything critical again, I can promise to stop the hatefulness. I am promising to make a real effort to clean up some of the toxicity towards you that is unfair and unwarranted. To facilitate a more respectful, yet still honest and open dialogue. I do take pride in my blog being one of the last places of discussion and community for fans, but perhaps without the cruelty that been allowed to fester. If you are someone reading this who comes here to be mean and hateful, I’m sorry but it has to stop. This was never intended to be a ‘hate blog’, but I will openly admit I understand why people thought it was.

If you take anything away from this, or if you even read this, please let it be this. I consider myself a supporter of you and what you have created. I want nothing more than to see you succeed and be happy. I hope that you are able to overcome the struggles in your life and that you are able to find meaning and true happiness if you have not already. Although it may not appear so, I have always routed for you. It may seem like nothing you do is ever good enough for the fans (or at least some of them) but for me at least that is not true. You have been given an impossible task of trying to please thousands of people, of never being allowed to fuck up, and having past transgressions brought up again and again. For that I am sorry, and I am sorry for having played a part in that.

You deserve to be treated as a person, not as an object or persona. I whole heartedly believe you are a decent person, who maybe has flaws and room for improvement, but so do I and so does everyone else. I do believe there are fundamentally bad people out there, people who deserve the karma they have coming. Those are the people that purposefully hurt, lie, manipulate, cheat and deceive others for personal gain. I think especially in the past few weeks we have been shown who those people are. Yet, I don’t believe you are one of those people.

To everyone out there who is reading this, please give people the chance to change. Be okay with admitting when you are wrong. Allow people to grow and become better. Over the past year my mentality and perspective on the world has shifted dramatically. Two years ago I couldn’t have written this post, but as I enter my mid-twenties I am able to look back and say ‘this is not the person I want to be, this is not the person I want people to think I am’. So all I can do is admit my shortcomings, apologize, and be better.

Andy, if you read this and made it to the end, thank you. You are in no way obligated to respond to or accept any of what I said. I just wanted to put this out there with the hopes that it in some way, or that some part of this, lessened some of the hurt I regrettably have caused.

- Ren <3

P.S the banner of my blog is not calling you or the band trash. It’s a fan term for when someone is really into something. Saying “I am ______ trash” means you love that thing. I know it’s weird, but it’s supposed to be an inside joke for other fans, it’s a positive thing. So, when I say “I am 100% 2010 Black Veil trash” I am talking about myself being a massive fan of that era. I don’t think you or the band is trashy, if I did, I wouldn’t be spending money on tickets, merch and shoving blue contacts into my eyes for 10+ years.

#Andy Biersack #Andy Black #Black Veil Brides #BVB #alightwhendarknessfell

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postguiltypleasures · 3 years

Text

The Magicians Finale - (over a year later)

I didn’t watch the first season of The Magicians as it aired in late 2015- 2016. I was already watching the roughly estimated maximum amount of television I could watch. I didn’t have the time to make for a new show. It debuted at the same time as The Expanse, and that looks like the “better” show. But I would soon realize that I liked The Magicians more.

While I was watching the first season, I attempted to go back and look at the writing from while it aired. This experience profoundly influenced how I felt about the controversial ending to the fourth season, and the fall out in the fandom.

The fourth season ended after Quentin Coldwater, ostensibly the show’s central character, dying while saving the world. In his orientation to the afterlife there is discussion about was this actually heroic or was it a manifestation of his depression and suicidal identification. The show doesn’t answer this directly, it just has Quentin experience how his friends are mourning him and feel how loved it was. People felt really betrayed by this. It was considered deeply irresponsible. I have already written about it here. In the aftermath, part of me thought back to those recaps and reviews of the first season and wondered “how did we get to place where we could feel so betrayed?” Because reviews from the then seemed certain that it was more problematic than it was. Take for example this recap from Vulture season one, where the writer, Hillary Kelly, wonders who this show is actually for? Or this AV Club recap of the first season finale where the writer Lisa Weidenfeld erroneously thinks that The Beast and Julia, both rape victims, are being set up to be the show’s main villains? And that Eliot’s forced marriage to Fen was potentially a straight washing.

The fact that the worries Weidenfeld put into writing didn’t pan out is probably part of the reason that the show’s reputation improved. It would also have characters within the show call out others’s sexism, racism, etc. which could feel like something of a corrective to a lot of pop culture out there. You might also have noticed that in Weidenfeld’s recap she makes a comparison between Julia and Willow-gets-addicted-to-magic-plot season six of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Ads for the first season even looked like they wanted viewers to draw that comparison.

I remember from around the second season coming across a several articles declaring The Magicians a worthy successor to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Emily VanDerWerff discussed it in her review of the second season. As one point she makes the statement that “The Magicians isn’t as politically subversive as Buffy”, and I’m going to go out on a limb and say that might be less true than she assumed at the time. In an era of backlash against Buffy’s creator Joss Whedon, The Magicians could be comparatively more empathetic to its characters and had some pretty subversive plot points. But I haven’t watched an episode of Buffy since the early aughts, or The Magicians since it wrapped.

(VanDerWerff’s writing heavily influenced my own thoughts about thee show, which I previously wrote about here. I am also including links to her old podcast, I Think You’re Interesting and the interviews she did with novelist Lev Grossman and show runner Sera Gamble, though I should note those are from before she transitioned and under her dead name. Also I wanted to include that she included it in her best television of the 2010s article.)

In the articles I just linked to, you might also notice frequent comparisons to Game of Thrones. While the comparisons focus on the the vast difference in budget and how ubiquitous GoT was at the same time The Magicians aired, it is worth noting that both series are postmodern, deconstruction takes on their respective sub-genres. While GoT could use that to point out why surprising and awful things happened to their characters, The Magicians mostly had fewer horrible things happen to its characters. But the comparison might have influenced how post Quentin’s death people made a litany of those events/plot points to prove that any faith in the show was misplaced and it was a betrayer better left behind.

The after the fourth season I pulled back from discussing The Magicians online. I just couldn’t deal with other people’s anger. I was never really active in the fandom, but I did write about it here more than probably any other series since I started this blog. This may have given me a false impression about how the media ended up covering the show. While writing this I was planning an arc that would go something like, “at the start of the fourth season the media loved it and articles this one by Kathryn Van Arendonk at Vulture came out saying that they regretted stopping the show part way through season one. But the fan backlash to the finale was so harsh that even the show’s frequent champion, Emily VanDerWerff didn’t write about it at all for the fifth season.” She did write a positive review at the start of the fifth season. I even read it at the time. She didn’t write about the finale, and that disappointed me, which may have led me to mis-remember the earlier. (I did remember this round table discussion about the ascendency of fandom in which she discusses the show’s situation, and it might have also contributed to my misremembering.)

The AVClub had Weidenfeld write a review of the first episodes, but she no longer recapped the episodes as she had for the first four seasons. (Her review is generally about what is missing from the Quentin-less series) While preparing to write this I found out that Decider’s Anna Menta recapped through the third episode, despite being amongst those who felt betrayed by Quentin’s death and the lack of opportunity for Quentin and Eliot to explore their romance.

(I just want to take a moment to say a couple of things here. Firstly, I really believed the show runners when they said Quentin was dead and not coming back so I didn’t see the first couple of episodes as a tease that he might come back. When my grandfather who I was very close to died I would regularly have dreams that his death was incorrectly called and he’d come back. I saw those episodes as a version of that.)

This has been show I’ve written about the most in recent years. But as I was mostly ignoring both professional and fan writing about it for its final season, I only really got around to reading these now. I’m going to start with this post-finale interview with the producers, Sera Gamble, Henry Alonso Myers John McNamara, written by Vlada Gelman at TVLine. It isn’t really a lot of new information. It’s interesting to read about how being renewed or not affected their editing decisions in post production. They seem happy with it. At Entertainment Weekly, Chancellor Agard interviewed Gamble and McNamara. There is more talk about the connection between the final season of the tv show and the finale book of the trilogy, The Magicians Land. (As a viewer I was always pleased when they somehow brought in details from the books late in the season, whether it was big things for the arc like the World Seed page or details that only mattered for an episode like whales being magicians.) In the interview, they also talk about some of the wildest plot points. Gamble and McNamara also gave and interview to Adam Chitwood at Collider. Chitwood is the most enthusiastic about the show. The interview also confirms for those who want to know that Jason Ralph asked to be let go from the show, and that Julia’s pregnancy probably wouldn’t have happened if her actress Stella Maeve hadn’t gotten pregnant. Finally, in an I can’t believe I missed it example, at the New York Times, Jennifer Vineyard also interviewed Gamble and McNamera. This one starts pretty politically with how trying to save the citizens of Fillory unintentionally works as a metaphor for quarantine and how we don’t get through difficult periods of times because of individuals, instead it’s more of a collective. Then it somehow turns into a a thing about being in a mutual admiration society with William Shatner. I truly didn’t see this one coming.

So now I have to get to the actual reviews of the finale, with the caveat that I haven’t watched any of the series in over a year so it’s definitely not fresh in my mind. Over at The AVClub, re-capper Weidfeld is mostly mournful for the series, but also makes the point that when the characters grew up and stopped being so hurtful towards each other and themselves, it was less compelling. It kind of ties back to my “how did people think this was a show that wouldn’t hurt them” question from earlier, but with less interest in fans. I don’t remember if my feelings as it went on would have agreed with it, but it is partially why it was in good place to end the series. At io9, Beth Elderkin seemed to think the finale was rushed and the show deserved better. I don’t remember if I felt like the episode was rushed. But as I read through her recap, I realize that I’ve also forgotten a lot of the episode’s plot points. Over at The Mary Sue, Jessica Mason wrote a positive review highlighting aspects that pleased her as a fan who wanted good things for these characters.

Shortly after the finale Sarah Stankorb at The Atlantic recommend the series to COVID bound bingers. I was shocked to see this. I didn’t think anyone would be recommending it post season for backlash. (Earlier on an episode of Our Opinions Are Correct the hosts walked back what could have been a recommendation for the series, which disappointed me. I don’t remember which episode this was.) It’s a lovely overview of the whole series. I especially like how Stackorb addresses the way the show dealt with Julia’s assault (greatly improving on the source material). It made me wonder if the show will have a legacy, one worthy of celebration. I don’t hope for a revival, but if I had time to re-watch it, I might. And I am happy to read comicbooks building on the source material.

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thedeviltohisangel · 4 years

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Creed//1

“How dare you,” she whispered. She knew he heard because she saw his shoulders slump ever so slightly at her words. “I hate you, Din Djarin.” And she had been thinking it for so long but never said it. And for the first time, she knew in her heart that she meant it.

masterlist is my url/writing

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Korra always makes sure to surround herself with other people. She is not good at being alone nor does she ever want to be. When she isn’t helping her mother set up her stall at the local market, she’s going to local’s homes to tend to any bumps or coughs and then ends her night helping her elderly neighbor herd her animals into the barn. It kept her body busy and her mind quiet. And, to her, that was the only peaceful way to live.

There had been a time when she enjoyed the moments of silence that came in between tasks. The way the stress wafted off her body and into the air. The way her mind wandered to the hope of the future and the smile that would creep across her face.

But that was back when Din had been around. When he had been with her in those brief moments of peace. It had been awhile since that had happened. She tells herself that it only hurts the way it does because they never had a proper goodbye. That he hadn’t had the courtesy to give her one. She felt so stupid and naive for thinking that a man like him could ever be content in the life that she led. He was meant to fly amongst the stars, have them reflect in the shine of his arms and the brown of his eyes. In Korra’s eyes he was a star. And they were not meant to have their feet on the ground.

“My love, you look unwell.” Korra snapped out of her thoughts as her mother stood in the doorway to her room.

“I am fine, mother. Just thinking of the past.” Her mother had noticed the wooden charm that she was playing with before she had mentioned her presence. Her daughter acted as though she was okay for everyone. But in the quiet endings of the day and beginnings of the night, the walls came down and she knew better.

“All the light is ahead of you. Stay focused there.” Korra accepted the kiss on the top of her head and was grateful for it. She knew her mother worried but there was no way for her to change that. She feared she would be stuck in the moment she realized Din was not coming back for the rest of her life. Feared all the men in the village that offered her flowers or a larger home would never compare but she would be forced to settle. Forced to give herself to someone the way she promised she would only give to him.

“Wherever you are, I think of you. And wish the galaxy to be on your side,” she whispered into the dark room. In the darkest of moments she told herself he didn’t come back because he was no more. A bounty had been too much and had been his last. She wonders if she will spend her whole life not knowing. If the feeling of her heart being gnawed at was one she would have to get used to. Even ignore. But at least when she closed her eyes she had her dreams. They numbed her and let her escape for as many hours as she could snag them for. It was her own form of spice, produced within her own mind and plentiful. An addiction well hidden and thoroughly enjoyed.

Tonight, she found him surrounded by red sand. His armor more scuffed than she had remembered and an extra hole in his glove if she really paid attention. He was wearing his helmet and brain strained to construct what she knew was underneath it. What he had trusted her so deeply with knowing.

“I try so hard to keep you from finding me.” She hated how the helmet distorted his voice. He always told her that the armor and him were one, not two distinct entities. She always had trouble viewing it that way.

“Then it is a waste of your energy. You could be using it to win more fights.” She was alluding to the marks of difficulty on his armor.

“If I wasn’t winning then I wouldn’t be standing here.” They regarded each other for a moment. Korra an open book to him, him only to himself. “Go ahead and ask me, Korra. Ask me the question you are so afraid to.” Her lip trembled with the effort of keeping the words back.

“Where are you, Din?” He shook his head.

“No. Dig deeper. Let it out or you will never be able to move on.” She refused. Because then that would close the chapter on her life that was him. Right now it was lingering, a comma instead of a period. Shutting off that piece of her might result in the decay of it. The death of something vital. A piece of her broken into dust and floating into the galaxy to be lost forever.

“If you want to be rid of me so desperately, then you had your chance to tell me so.” Even that would have been better than not knowing. She could have healed and lived her life much differently. Selfishly, Din didn’t want that. Which is why he hadn’t given her any sort of answer either back then or now.

“Maybe we are both cowards.”

“Maybe so. But can you admit you are such to yourself?” The air around them rippled as what sounded like a blaster went off in the distance.

“I have to go.” He dared to take a step closer. Korra didn’t move.

“Yes. As you always do.” Din lunged for her in a moment of desperation but she shimmered and disappeared right through his fingertips. He was cursed with finding courage a moment too late. Everytime she appeared in his dreams, he decided he would tell her how to find him. Or tell her where to meet him. But she always found the courage to leave him a split second before he did. Din thinks he was losing control of all the games he was trying to keep up with. While he was chasing her, people were chasing him and he was chasing bounties. At some point he was going to fall apart. He just hoped he could survive it.

----

Korra hated the way she felt whenever she saw Din in a dream. At least she thought it was a dream. They were getting more and more realistic every night. But what else could they be? She had asked her mother once if she had ever heard of someone being able to visit someone in their dreams. Her answer was that things like that went extinct long ago. No one had that ability now and if Korra thought someone did then it was just her dreams playing a trick on her. But she thinks that if it really was her dream and nothing more, her conversations with Din would be different. There would be resolution and conclusion, one way or another. It all felt too real. That if she were to ever see him again, that is exactly how it would go. She just wishes she had the courage to reach out and touch him. But there was something startling about seeing him in her dreams like that. Like there was a veil covering them from the rest of the world and obscuring their own views in a sense. Maybe it was controlling not just what she saw but what she did and thought too. She wasn’t oblivious to the idea that Din lunged for her every time as she was leaving. Korra always wondered what would happen if she stayed a second longer. If he reached her and was able to hold her. Did he really want to? Did she really want him to? Did she need him to? Part of her was happy just the way things were. There were no surprises and she couldn’t be let down. They had the same conversation every time and there was protection in that. Protection from the unknown, the unplanned. There was nothing scarier to her than that. He had broken her heart once already. She didn’t need him doing it every night.

----

Her morning started out the way they always do. The helped her mother prepare a small meal, ate with her while making polite conversation then made her way to the market in the center of town. She greeted the other merchants, nodding absent-mindedly as they explained their new harvest that they had brought to sell that day, and helping the younger children count their coins before they ordered something sweet from the stall across the way. Korra had built herself a sense of community. A new way to pad her heart and emotions from the trauma of the past. These people smiled when they saw her and waved back if she waved to them. Things were peaceful, just the way she likes it. Until they weren’t.

She should have known the sudden gusts of wind were not from a storm. Should have known the sand kicking up around her meant a ship was close. But none of that connected in her mind until the children squeaked and pointed at a hunk of metal landing in the distance.

“Look! Look! A ship!” They were not used to seeing such things. Her village was one where you came and never left, building your life and one for generations to come. But to her the ship caused her legs to be paralyzed. She didn’t know which direction she wanted to run in. Away from the Razorcrest or towards it. The one thing she did know was that the feeling in her stomach and throat meant she needed to find an appropriate place to vomit and fast.

Korra ran against the sea of people towards the end of the path, ducking behind a house and emptying whatever miniscule amount of food was inside of her. It couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be him. Because if it was, she had no idea what to do. She was lost and scared and wanted the power to wish herself away to somewhere familiar and safe. That used to be him. Used to be Din. But now he wasn’t. He had betrayed her and her heart and her trust. Maker, how was she even supposed to look at him?

Din, for his part, was going against the sea of people to try and find her. He had fled with the Child and couldn’t think of anywhere else to go or anyone else who would know what to do with it. But Korra would know. He remembered how good she was with children. How much they loved her. How they flocked to her so naturally and how she enjoyed them doing so. On the run with him was no life but here, here the Child could be happy.

“I am looking for a woman named Korra. Do you know her? Have you seen her?” He remembered that it was a tight knit community. That she was heavily involved in it. There had to be someone in the immediate vicinity that knew where he could find her.

“She ran when she saw you. You may be looking for her but she is not looking for you.”

“Can you point me in the right direction? It is urgent.” He wanted to fly away before those chasing after him knew he was here. That would put everyone on this planet in danger but more importantly it would put her and the Child in danger. The villager did not know what to do with a panting Mandalorian standing in front of them. They were the thing of legends. What was one doing here? What did it want with Korra?

“I am here. You do not need to threaten or harass anyone into helping you.” She had stood and watched him from behind a home just a few meters away. His armor was shinier than she remembered. It made him seem taller and broader. Maybe he actually was. Maybe it really had been that long.

“I need to talk to you. Somewhere secluded.” He was wasting no time with pleasantries. There was much that probably needed to be discussed between them. Should be discussed. And some things that they owed to each other to be discussed. But he had to push back the lovesick man that existed inside his heart and let the warrior Mandalorian take over.

“What did you do? What have you brought here?” She knew that tone he was speaking with all too well. Knew that he was being serious but also that he was in some sort of danger. And now he was trying to drag her into it.

“Something very important. And I need your help to keep it safe.”

“After all this time you come back and have the nerve to ask a favor of me?”

“Korra, please. We do not have the time to have this discussion.” He put a light hold on her forearm and began to walk her to his ship. If she wasn’t going to listen to him then he would have to show her. She only huffed and puffed a little bit, yanking her arm out of his hand, but she followed him nonetheless.

“There are so many nasty things I wish to say to you right now.”

“I know. And an apology cannot begin to cut it. One day, I hope there will be time for us to have this discussion.” With the type of people that were after him, Din just hoped he had more days left in him.

“You better have a valid, incredible reason for all this-” She stopped as she made eye contact with a tiny green creature. “Oh, Din.”

“I know.”

“How did you...What even is it?” The little one trilled in response, tilting its head back and forth with an assessing gaze.

“I don’t know. But some powerful people are willing to pay more for it than you can imagine.”

“What could they possibly want with something so small?”

“I barely gave them the chance to find out.” It was then that it clicked inside of her mind.

“Din...Did you kidnap him from former Imperial leaders?” He didn’t answer. “And bring him to my planet? To my home?”

“Yes. Because I need you to take care of him.” As much as the little creature made her heart stir, she couldn’t risk the harm to everyone around her that having such a bounty in her possession would likely cause. Not to mention the hurt that came with Din so eager to leave her again.

“You know I can’t.”

“Korra.” He was exasperated. His heart was racing. And he didn’t know what to do. He was so used to only taking care of himself. Having her and the Child standing here with him. He didn’t know what to do. Din was lost. And he thought that ringing in his ears was his anxiety consuming him until he realized Korra looked like she was hearing it too. “Strap in!” He punched the door closed and bolted for the controls. Korra grabbed the Child and strapped him into the makeshift seat Din had made before strapping in herself.

“What’s going on? Why are you taking off?” Now she felt like she was the one being kidnapped.

“Razorcrest picked up something on radar. They found us.” She held on tightly as he powered up and lifted them off the ground and towards space, her home getting smaller and smaller by the second.

#the mandalorian #star wars #pedro pascal #din djarin #din djaren #the mandalorian fanfiction #star wars fanfiction

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filthyjanuary · 4 years

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7-12 and 16-20 for the asks!

7. What do you dislike about your favourite season?

i think season 2 is the best, but as i’ve said before, my favourite is 4 solely because the first few eps i watched were from s4. i think season 4 is very solid and even though it’s a season that HURTS BAD because of everything happening between sam and dean, i think the show earns the conflict for the most part. the literal only thing that still haunts me is that the STUPID VOICEMAIL THAT GETS ALTERED IS NEVER ADDRESSED. like i hate more than anything that sam still thinks dean said those things. like i know jared’s said that sam knows dean loves him but i don’t care!!! sam /and/ dean deserve to know the voicemail was changed.

OH also literally everything with anna milton. she deserved better <3 sorry the fridged you and gave part of your arc to a man, queen.

also sam and dean should’ve found out cas let sam out of the panic room.

8. Thoughts on Sam’s demon blood arc

i love sam’s demon blood arc. his hot girl summer! in all seriousness, it makes perfect sense. mystery spot sets it up that sam goes dark when he doesn’t have dean, and s4 is the natural progression of that. i love sam being hellbent on revenge, and the blood drinking was hot sorry not sorry. like obviously the end result wasn’t stellar and the handling of the demon blood as an addiction was handled rather shittily in the show, but overall this arc is near and dear to me and if i couldn’t have the boy king, i’m glad i got this instead. and it brings up some really interesting concepts that get explored really well in fic.

9. Thoughts on the Moc arc

i hate this arc mostly because like dean was terrible...which makes sense, but even after the mark was gone it’s like... he never /really/ pulls himself out of that place. it also just dragged on for FAR too long. like it didn’t need to be like 30 episodes or however long. i do like that it gave us demon!dean being like sexythreatening, and that scene of sam cradling dean’s face and begging him to tell him that he had to kill all those people and just the general sam is dean’s colette of it all. also the end of s10 with sam on his knees and dean telling him to close his eyes is deeply fucked up and i love it for that reason and obviously that happened bc of the MOC storyline.

10. Fave underrated ep

i am highkey obsessed with 1x04 phantom traveller, 2x07 the usual suspects and 4x19 jump the shark and i feel like most people don’t really care about those episodes or bring them up much. phantom traveller is just interesting bc i think the character moments are fun and i am obsessed with plane crashes for some reason. the usual suspects i just adore because it’s really a great exploration of HOW WELL sam and dean know each other and just how alike they are. and unfortunately i really like the cop lady in this one. jump the shark was the second episode of supernatural i ever saw and for some reason something in my brain latched onto adam and never let go. i love him so much (i know it’s not really him in the ep but ukno) and i love how much you learn about sam and dean through it too.

11. Thoughts on BMOL

boring. like...the actors were not good at their accents. they wanted what bela talbot had in s3. i just didn’t find ‘the british are evil’ a compelling storyline in a supernatural show.... like girl i live in real life you don’t need to preach to me about the british. also like they set up ketch to be evil like worse than toni who i already hate because she tortures/sexually assaults sam by having him kill magda i guess? but then they end up redeeming him and he survives longer than both mick (affectionate) and toni (derogatory), like seriously one of the worst Big Bads they’ve ever had.

12. Thoughts on Mary

to be honest, i think bringing her back was kind of a stupid idea in the sense that the ENTIRE SHOW starts because of her death. but i felt like HAVING DONE THAT, trying to deconstruct her image as like this nuclear housewife was compelling and the whole clash of sam and dean who just want their mom versus mary who left her kids as a an infant and a small child and now has these grown men who are older than her needing things she doesn’t know how to give was very interesting. and i wish they’d done more with that.

16. Any criticisms of their world building/lore

well i think everyone’s said it better than me that they can’t seem to get their stance on monsters straight at all and the show suffers for it. i also hate how like the later seasons especially just blatantly retcon so much. the prime example is the garden of eden in s5 vs s15.... the s5 version was so much more interesting and i hate that they brought it back just to destroy their own lore. the whole concept of the abrahamic god being like the ‘real’ god vs other gods just being minor annoyances didn’t like...make sense or feel good either. i also would’ve loved more exploration of like what the fuck it means to be a vessel and also exploration of other monsters/urban legends. like ok we get it ghosts/demons/vampires/werewolves sure w/e but there’s so much to pull from. it got repetitive and there’s so many other things they could’ve tried. hell the SECOND EPISODE of the show mentions black dogs and we never actually encounter one. or like chimeras... like there’s just plenty to dig into and they just get lazy.

17. What did you like about s15?

15x20 <3 also just...jack....that’s my son! MICHAEL/ADAM IN 15X08!!!! i think there were a couple moments i liked in like...the gambler and last holiday, and i thought belphagor was funny. oh! also sam’s nightmare visions were kinda fun even tho they led back to lucifer :/

18. Thoughts on Lucifer

he was a really excellent and intimidating villain in s5.... and frankly i enjoyed hallucifer as well because sure he was presented comedically but he was a deeply dark presence hanging over sam as a reminder of what he suffered. everything after that...sucked!!! it sucked!!!!! overstayed his welcome, letting him out of the cage again totally nullifies sam’s sacrifice and frankly he lost every smidge of intimidation factor he ever had. he was just annoying and whiny and pointless and sam should’ve killed him <3 fuck that guy.

19. Most uncomfortable moments throughout the show for you?

answered here

20. Define the different eras in a few lines or words (s1-5, s6-7, s8-11, s12-15)

this was meant to be short... and then it wasnt... sorry.

kripke: PEAK SUPERNATURAL. racist AND sexist but like i frankly do not care because the actually storytelling is so GOOD. COHERENT. i long for what could’ve been had the strike not kneecapped s3 and we’d gotten boyking, but hell the arc we DID get... so good. so fulfilling. aesthetics go off the charts. character dynamics so good!!! conflicts are earned!!!! there was a fucking vision here and it was unique and interesting and the show was COMMITTED TO IT. literally iconic television i love her so much. eric kripke needs a therapist but i’m glad he wrote this show instead of going to see one.

gamble: sera THEE gamble.... overarching storylines kinda weak, but SO FUN! i had fucking fun! soulless sam is a comedian, godstiel was the last time cas was remotely interesting, like!!!! she gave us everything!!!!! gets slandered way too much by this hell fandom like yes the leviathans were stupid but the were FUN and the character moments in s6-s7!!! so good!!!! lots of excellent MOTW eps as well, which... as we know...i love. when the show lost gamble, it lost something great, i’ll die on this hill. i love u #girlboss.

carver: there’s a lot of good here and a lot i despise. dean steadily grows darker throughout the show but there’s like a real VEER into being awful in s9 that the show never recovers from. it makes dean very unlikeable for the rest of its run, mostly by virtue of the show not realizing how unlikeable it’s made dean because it needs him to always be right so the fact that he’s basically turned into john is never like....addressed in any meaningful way. some storylines (MOC!!) dragged on for too long, while others were way too short (TRIALS!!!) but ultimately i think there were some good ideas here and moments i’m fond of. season 11 is Beautiful. i love her so much. there’s some really excellent eps in s11 and the character moments are good.

dabb: i literally hate it here (jack sweetie you are not included in this assessment you’re doing great). it was just stupid. the characterizations of EVERYBODY sucked and fell flat. way too obsessed with pandering to the loudest faction on twitter. took the wreckage of dean that carver left and full destroyed him. like straight up could’ve done something meaningful if they’d bothered to address it at all but they literally didn’t ever make dean be accountable for his actions??? can’t tell u what cas was doing it was so forgettable he obviously had no purpose literally the only scenes i remember were a couple where he’s being cute with jack and that one ep where he and sam go to that old-timey town and sam gets brainwashed. sam like... exists, and his character is intact but it’s only intact because the writers that were left didn’t want to bother giving him anything meaty to do to so the were like *spins wheel* leadership arc that goes nowhere, and he just exists being kind and compassionate and putting up with too much shit. BUT HE HAD REALLY FUCKING EXCELLENT MOMENTS WITH JACK and that alone is why i think it’s worth the slog. sam/jack is my favourite dynamic on the show following sam/dean so...unfortunately based on that.... i can’t just burn the whole dabb era but seriously... way to make every character a hollow, one-dimensional shell.

send me supernatural asks

#ALLISON THANK U I LOVE U #asks #spn #long post #so-excuse-my-tantrum

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