#alightwhendarknessfell

[alightwhendarknessfell]

Dear Andy,

I have debated posting this for a while, mostly because I wanted to get it right. With the WSTW re-record release approaching and things coming to light about the actions of a former member I feel that now is as good a time as ever. I don’t know if you’ll read this, but it is something that over the past year I have wanted to do. I have been unfair and overcritical and at times, downright mean. I was judging you and your actions based on my own interpretations. The events of the past few weeks have shown me that those interpretations were wrong. So here it goes…

I have been a fan of not only Black Veil, but of you going back to 2008-2009, when everything was still on Myspace. I vividly remember eagerly awaiting the release of WSTW and making my mom drive me to the local Hot Topic to pick it up the day it came out. I remember going to my first show in a small little bar in Raleigh, NC that sadly is no more, and I remember being dressed in war paint along with my best friends. I know that it may not seem like it, but I to this day consider myself a fan. The band that you created was pivotal for my teenage years and to this day the community you helped build means the world to me.

I will admit that it was my passion and love for that community that was the root of my criticism. Despite what you or others reading this may think, I do not hate you, not at all. There have been times that I felt let down, cheated, and disappointed as a fan, but the events of the past few weeks have really opened my eyes. I will get that to that point, but I did not and do not hate you. As a person I speak up, at times when I probably shouldn’t, but I do when I feel strongly about something. I have certainly made the mistake too many times of speaking before I had all the information or trusting my own judgement on things, I knew nothing about. I am trying to get better at not doing that.

I can see how some of the things I have said, condoned, or even given a platform to were mean, uncalled for, hurtful, and regrettably untrue at times. I have had this blog and been in this fandom for over a decade. I was 13-14 years old when I first made this blog, and I am almost 25 now. I look back on some of the things I said, and I deeply regret them. In 2015 this blog was accidentally deleted, and honestly it was probably for the best that some of my earlier posts are gone. Regardless, I have let myself get carried away or swept up in drama perpetuated by others (and sometimes myself). I have said things, even in the past few years that I shouldn’t have, things that could be hurtful. While my intention was never to hurt you, I think it’s safe to say that myself and others lose sight of the impact of our words when they are said behind a screen, to people we think will never read them. As a teenager or even in my early 20’s I didn’t think that someone ‘famous’ would see what I wrote, surely it would all get lost in the sea of tweets, posts and comments.

That does not make saying those things right.

I would like to personally apologize to you for not considering the fact that you might see some of those words. That you are a person with emotions just like everyone else, that could be hurt by them. I am sorry for letting others get away with saying cruel things, even if I pushed back on them or didn’t directly comment. I would be lying if I said that the fame (or infamy), status and notoriety I got for my words didn’t affect my actions. It’s sad, but true that often times more attention comes out of negativity than kindness.

As someone who has been bullied and suffers from mental illnesses, I should have left some things unsaid. I do not know you personally, I only know what you have shared. Seeing you speak about your own struggles with mental illness over the recent years has really given me a much-needed reality check. I have related to some of the things you’ve talked about more than you know. Some of the things that others and I have been critical of were clearly not the result of malicious intent but of your own hardships that we were blind to. 

I think people forget, and I know I did, that when this band took off you were just a teenager yourself. To think that at 18 or 19 someone in your situation would act ‘right’ all of the time and never make mistakes is ridiculous. Not only were you a kid trying to figure the world out, but I think it has become clear that you were dealing with people who used you for their own selfish gains. That would be hard for anyone, regardless of their age. 

I have never dealt with addiction on a personal level, but I emphasize with whatever pain you had to endure in your own struggles with it. You are right when you said that no one sees themselves becoming an alcoholic at twenty years old, and I am sorry for not being more sympatric in the past. One of my biggest regrets in all of this was hearing that during the time that I was probably the harshest to you (around 2016) was when you were struggling the most with trying to be sober. 

I am happy that you are sober, I am glad that you were able to make it out of that cycle that consumes so many people. I hope that others who are struggling are inspired by your dedication to living a healthier life. In an industry where it is too easy to fall back into toxic behaviors and coping mechanisms, I am glad you have found strength.  

I would like to speak on why I have been so negative in the past (and at times hateful). As I said, what you created in Black Veil meant a lot to me and so many others. This band has been a part of my life for so long and I have met some of the most amazing people through it. I have met people that I can honestly say I love because of this community. This fan base gave me a home when I felt alone and gave me something to identify with as a kid. That’s why I started cosplaying as you, sure it’s a hobby of mine and aesthetically I am a fan of 80’s glam metal, but it was mostly to pay tribute. I am not a ‘traditional’ artist in the sense of paintings and drawings, my media is makeup and costume. The WSTW/STWOF era is what I consider my era as a fan, the one that I identified with the most. 

I admit, I was upset when it ended. That’s a stupid reason to be upset, obviously all bands change and there’s nothing wrong with that, but that’s how I felt. The source of my jadedness was not the adoption of a new look, it was deeper than that. Around 2016 was when I had the most animosity because I saw what I thought at the time was you ‘giving up’ on Black Veil. I felt like the ‘old’ fans weren’t wanted anymore and like most people, I felt the need to protect and defend what I loved.

With the introduction of your solo act, it felt like the community I cared so much about was being destroyed and I couldn’t understand why you were doing that. I was blinded by my own judgements. What came off as hate was really just hurt. I know I am not the only ‘OG’ fan who felt that way, and I took that to mean I was justified. In hindsight it is clear, none of us had any idea what was really going on with the band and certain individuals who were bringing it down. At various times it seemed like you hated the old era and as a fan who stood there from the beginning that felt like a gut punch.  I let my own feelings make me bitter, and that was wrong. I let others fuel that bitterness, including ones who were actively stabbing you in the back. 

I remember around 2012 I made a very critical post of an article you did in Kerrang talking about your struggles with alcohol. I criticized you for not saying more and even said that what you shared was nothing in comparison to a former member’s struggles with addiction. When I received this DM from that individual saying that they approved of my words and that I was ‘spot on’ I felt embolden. I deeply, deeply regret letting such a toxic and horrible person influence me. That post I wrote was wrong, ignorant and immature. That post was one that got deleted in 2015, but I still regret having written something so heartless. 

(screen shot is from 2012, this was a Twitter DM from said individual. I did not share that post with them, they found it on their own and contacted me. ) 

I see now that you were not turning your back on Black Veil, you were trying to save it. The interview you did with Ryan Downey brought me to tears. I cannot imagine what it feels like to have something you spent your whole life fighting for be taken over by an abusive, evil, and selfish person. I feel like I have gained a better perspective of where you and the band were at over the past three weeks and I am sorry you are not free to say more. I am sorry for defending this person because they did not deserve a single fan.

Some who takes advantage of another’s passion and youth because they lack the creativity and ability to do it on their own is stealing, plain and simple. I am sorry that you have been tethered to such a horrible person for so long. I deeply admire your perseverance, strength and determination in taking back what that person tried to take. To be willing to destroy something you love and care about to keep it from the hands of evil is an incredible act of dedication to it. 

I would like to end this with a few more things. I know I have been critical of people that you love. I do admit I have taken those criticisms too far at times where they crossed into bullying. I am sorry to Juliet for being unfairly harsh, I am not a hateful person, but I have allowed myself to act that way. There are certainly things that I have said that I stand by, and there are things that I may not agree with or understand, but I think there are ways that I can voice my own opinions respectfully, without being mean. 

In an ideal world I would love to sit down with you, or anyone else I may have hurt and have a discussion about it, but hopefully this gets my point across well enough. I do not intend to delete my blog or stop accepting posts (although I will try and make an effort to get rid of toxic posts. It will just take a while to sort through them all). While I can’t promise to never say anything critical again, I can promise to stop the hatefulness. I am promising to make a real effort to clean up some of the toxicity towards you that is unfair and unwarranted. To facilitate a more respectful, yet still honest and open dialogue. I do take pride in my blog being one of the last places of discussion and community for fans, but perhaps without the cruelty that been allowed to fester. If you are someone reading this who comes here to be mean and hateful, I’m sorry but it has to stop. This was never intended to be a ‘hate blog’, but I will openly admit I understand why people thought it was.  

If you take anything away from this, or if you even read this, please let it be this. I consider myself a supporter of you and what you have created. I want nothing more than to see you succeed and be happy. I hope that you are able to overcome the struggles in your life and that you are able to find meaning and true happiness if you have not already. Although it may not appear so, I have always routed for you. It may seem like nothing you do is ever good enough for the fans (or at least some of them) but for me at least that is not true. You have been given an impossible task of trying to please thousands of people, of never being allowed to fuck up, and having past transgressions brought up again and again. For that I am sorry, and I am sorry for having played a part in that. 

You deserve to be treated as a person, not as an object or persona. I whole heartedly believe you are a decent person, who maybe has flaws and room for improvement, but so do I and so does everyone else. I do believe there are fundamentally bad people out there, people who deserve the karma they have coming. Those are the people that purposefully hurt, lie, manipulate, cheat and deceive others for personal gain. I think especially in the past few weeks we have been shown who those people are. Yet, I don’t believe you are one of those people. 

To everyone out there who is reading this, please give people the chance to change. Be okay with admitting when you are wrong. Allow people to grow and become better. Over the past year my mentality and perspective on the world has shifted dramatically. Two years ago I couldn’t have written this post, but as I enter my mid-twenties I am able to look back and say ‘this is not the person I want to be, this is not the person I want people to think I am’. So all I can do is admit my shortcomings, apologize, and be better. 

Andy, if you read this and made it to the end, thank you. You are in no way obligated to respond to or accept any of what I said. I just wanted to put this out there with the hopes that it in some way, or that some part of this, lessened some of the hurt I regrettably have caused. 

- Ren <3 

P.S the banner of my blog is not calling you or the band trash. It’s a fan term for when someone is really into something. Saying “I am ______ trash” means you love that thing. I know it’s weird, but it’s supposed to be an inside joke for other fans, it’s a positive thing. So, when I say “I am 100% 2010 Black Veil trash” I am talking about myself being a massive fan of that era. I don’t think you or the band is trashy, if I did, I wouldn’t be spending money on tickets, merch and shoving blue contacts into my eyes for 10+ years. 

[wildandrunning]

01: Plastic Scene

It genuinely puzzled Andy why anyone would enjoy parties. Despite the countless ones he’d been to (more like forced to go to) since moving to Hollywood he’d yet to figure it out. As far as the nineteen-year-old could see they were loud, hot, crowded and ended in people passing out or puking. Not exactly his idea of a good time, but that didn’t change the fact that attending the godforsaken things was practically mandatory if you want to succeed. As Black Veil Brides’ new manager had put it ‘think of all your favorite bands, how many of them got famous because they stayed at home on Friday nights?’ point taken... 

The singer couldn’t help but think that his time would be better spent preparing for their upcoming tour. In three days the band would be on the road for their ‘Entertainment or Death’ tour as the headliner. He had been assured that things were going to be taken care of, supplies, tour bus, riders, gear, all of it would be ready in 72 hours. 

“What are you doing out here by yourself?” A stranger’s voice broke through Andy’s thoughts. 

The person in front of him was a scantily dressed bottle-blonde woman. Her clearly fake boobs were stuffed into a tight mini dress, and she seemed unstable in her ruby red stilettos. There was never a shortage of carbon copies of women like her at band parties. Hollywood was infested with them, wannabe actresses, singer, and gold diggers. All of them hoping to hop on some musician’s dick just before he made it big. 

“Ya ain’t gonna answer me?” she huffed, placing her hands on her thin hips. 

“I’m smoking,” Andy replied, holding up his fifth cigarette of the night. 

“But all by yourself? They’re doing shots inside don’t you wanna come join?”  “I don’t drink,” Andy stated coldly. 

No drugs, no drinking, no wild sex. He’d made a vow to himself that unlike all his rock heroes he wouldn’t make that mistake. What use was making it big if you couldn’t remember any of it? Besides, he wasn’t even old enough to drink. After almost six months of living in Hollywood, he’d kept his promise to himself and wasn’t about to break it to impress some bimbo. 

“You’re in a band, and you don’t drink?” she laughed, the judgmental tone of her voice cut him like a knife. 

“Weird right, it’s almost like I have morals.” tossing his cigarette on the ground, the singer stood up, turning his back on the woman and walking inside. 

The smell of booze and weed was overwhelming to his senses as he made his way to where the rest of his band was. The panic of being surrounded by so many people was starting to build in his gut. Subconsciously, he grasped at it, trying to calm the feeling. He realized how ridiculous it was to have anxiety at parties. How in the world could he go on stage where he was the center of attention but being in a room of strangers at a party sent him into panic attacks? 

Ashley eyed his younger bandmate. Andy’s crystal blue eyes gave away how uncomfortable he was. They shifted around the room frantically, searching for a place he could hide. The bassist took another sip of his beer. Perhaps he should have let Andy skip the party tonight. It had been him that insisted Andy come. Ashley knew the importance that ‘stupid’ parties could have. If it weren’t for them they wouldn’t have run into Jake and Jinxx; valuable parts of their band. You never knew who you might run into, and as a new band, you had to be in everyone’s face. 

Andy was downright miserable at them. He insisted on not drinking which already made him the odd man out. The older man had to hand it to him that it was a respectable choice. Ashley sure as hell wished he had that strength when he first started his music career. If he had avoided drugs and alcohol then maybe he would be more successful than a Myspace emo band. 

“Six, over here,” he shouted over the music. 

Andy maneuvered his thin body through the crowd and over to where  Ashley was. The kid was beautiful, no doubt about that. His piercing blue eyes stood out against the black eye makeup he wore, and his plump lips were coated with a powder pink lip gloss. Long black hair framed his porcelain face and fell over his frail shoulders. There was no denying it, Andy’s looks were the reason the band got so popular so fast. The fangirls just ate it up, androgynous emo boys in makeup were the ‘in’ thing. 

“Where have you been hiding doll face?” “I was just smoking outside... it’s hot in here.” Andy had an impossibly deep voice that didn’t seem like it belonged to him. Ashley liked it though, it made him unique. 

“You’re going to ruin your vocal cords doing that.” he teased. 

The sound of a bottle shattering across the room caused Andy to almost jump out of his skin. He just wanted to leave.. immediately.  Ashley didn’t even seem to register the noise, he was used to the scene. 

“You alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”  “I-I’m fine.” Andy stuttered. 

The younger boy looked up to Ashley. The man seemed to have it all together. Nothing bothered him, nothing upset him, he was the poster child for cool. At almost twelve years older, Andy wished he had the experience and knowledge that Ashley did. The last thing he wanted was for Ash to think he was some loser kid who didn’t belong here. 

“Whatever you say, anyways it’s getting late what do you say we round up the others and bounce?”

“I mean yeah.. if you’re ready to go,” Andy said, silently thanking the god he didn’t believe in for his chance to escape. 

---

Andy stared up at the ceiling fan spinning above him. He was finally home, or at least he was finally back to the place he called home. The apartment that he Jake and Ashley shared was far from what he was used to. The place was a dump, it was falling apart and way overpriced. Between the three of them, they could barely afford the two bedroom pig sty. His ‘room’ consisted of a beat up mattress on the floor, a pile of clothes, a couple posters, and a suitcase. 

He’d given up his room at home, full of his childhood furniture and clean for this. One day he’d have his own home, and all of this would be a distant memory. No more parties, no more worrying over bills, no more sleeping on the floor. But what if that wasn’t what happened? 

The overwhelming sense of dread started to fill his mind, he fought against it but failed. What if the band didn’t make it, what if everyone was lying to him about having what it takes? What if they failed and couldn’t make rent? After what his parents said to him when he left would they even let him come home? Crawling back to Ohio.. to everyone who said he wouldn’t be shit. Proving them all right... 

Tears threatened to fall as the young boy shut his eyes, willing the thoughts to go away. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t free himself from his mind. For nineteen years he’d tried to escape himself, and he thought a fresh start would do that. It hadn’t. Now he was stuck, and he felt like the floor could fall out from under him at any moment. 

Ashley tossed a few dirty dishes into the overflowing sink. His buzz was starting to wear off, and a nagging headache was developing in his brain. He had to be up early the next day to go over the expenses for the tour. He sighed, leaning back against the counter. Thoughts started racing through his mind, there was so much to do before they left. Bills had to be paid, Jake’s dog had to be taken care of, the place had to be cleaned, plus there was still packing. Then there was the thought that had lodged itself inside his head for months. Andy. 

Ashley worried about Andy. He could tell that the kid was unstable. When he first met him and agreed to support his band he had no idea. Andy presented as someone with the confidence of a god. He had sold himself well, he’d even lied about the band. The truth was that he didn’t even have members, it was just an idea and a cheap music video. Ashley had bought into all of it and agreed to own the band with him (and foot the bill). It was a huge gamble, and it was actually starting to pay off. 

He quickly was starting to realize though that the problem may not be the band, the problem might be that he was now tied to a kid who was in over his head. He wanted Andy to succeed, but he wasn’t sure if he would be able to. 

This next tour would put him to the test. At almost two months long it would be the band’s longest tour yet. Time will tell he figured. 

[wehatejulietsimms]

Happy birthday N I hope you had a good one :)

Thank you so much! -N

[six-of-brides]

Incorrect BVB Quote #3

Inspired by this ask on @alightwhendarknessfell

https://alightwhendarknessfell.tumblr.com/post/626198240819314688/jinxx-can-compose-music-for-a-movie-but-jake-and

Anyway:

AP, scurrying around the venue, trying to find somewhere to hide: He’s getting near

Jinxx: There you are. 

AP: AHHHHH

Jinxx: I just wanted to ask-

AP: Don’t get any nearer! Or I-I’ll-

Jinxx: Can I compose for films? 

AP: yes of course PLEASE DON’T KILL ME

[meltdownwillbeawesomethisweekend]

I read a really great post about the virulent and overexcessive cancel culture happening on social media right now that might help the anon struggling this petulant BS about Darren by her friends. It's about a band member recently accused of sexual assault but the points still have the same relevancy. alightwhendarknessfell*tumblr*com/post/622052615533019136/ren-they-were-four-grown-men-against-one-short-man

Oh God THIS. Every words of this !

[galexiaxo]

Imagine being a fan of black veil brides.

@alightwhendarknessfell said soemthing about this pretty well. A lot of us are fans of what BVB used to be instead of what they are now.

[the-bi-man-cometh]

alightwhendarknessfell replied to your post “Ok but I wanna know if Ariana Grande is okay. Like I’m not even a...”

Her team confirmed she's okay.

Thank you! And thanks to those who messaged me about this as well! You’re all awesome!

[princess-of-purgatory-and-bass]

So apparently I have more from @alightwhendarknessfell on my phone than I realized

I was adding to my Inspo Girls folder in my phone gallery and decided to add the pictures I saved from Ren's Tumblr to that folder since I stan. I thought I had like 5-10 and apparently I had almost 40. Oops

[ichika27]

Fun Fic Feature #28

‘Thirty Minutes’ by alightwhendarknessfell

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 終わりのセラフ | Owari no Seraph | Seraph of the End Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Hyakuya Mikaela/Hyakuya Yuuichirou Summary:

Mikaela and Yuichiro have never met, but they sit at the same place to eat lunch every day when the weather is nice, missing each other by thirty minutes. One day Mika leaves a book behind by accident, and Yu discovers it thirty minutes later - and sees that rain clouds are gathering overhead. Yu’s decision to protect the book may end up earning him a date.

[Art Desc.] I sorta messed up on the coloring again. :P

[Fic Comment] It’s been quite a while since I posted something MikaYuu. Here’s a cute fic that I really enjoyed reading. No matter how cliche it is or how unlikely it could be most of the time, I really do love the idea of coincidences and serendipity playing in our lives and in fiction, it being a plot point on how two people meet and fall for each other later on. This fic makes use of that and it really does make me feel giddy reading it happen to Mika and Yuu. Something as simple as a lost book and a lunch table will let them meet. Makes me wish something like this happen to me or something haha. If you guys want something simple and fluffy, try this one. :)

[ccjinxxandjake]

Shoutout to the lovely women who runs @alightwhendarknessfell. Thank you Ren for being a voice of reason in this fandom

[wehatejulietsimms]

People are often shocked at how "old" Juliet looks cos she actually lies about her age. I've heard from reliable sources (inc. Ren from alightwhendarknessfell) that acquaintances of Juliet say she's 38/39, not early 30's like she claims. Shes not got the sort of money like the Kardashians/JLo to use top surgeon's. I think shes just got a bit of botox and lip filler. IMO lip filler makes you look older than you are as well.

[aceobi]

Tagged by the amazing @textbookstarkissism thank you pumpkin!!

Rules: answer 20 questions, then tag 20 followers that you want to get to know better.

1) Name: Katherine

2) Nicknames: kitten, bucky

3) Height: 5′9

4) Orientation: pan

5) Nationality: british

6) Favorite Fruits: clementines

7) Favorite Season: winter

8) Favorite Flowers: pussywillow

9) Favorite Scents: lavender

10) Favorite Colors: black and red

11) Favorite Animals: cats

12) Coffee, Tea, or Hot ð: tea - any kind but green tea is my personal fave

13) Average Sleeping Hours: probably 5/6

14) Cat or Dog Person: both

15) Favorite Fictional Characters: tony stark, the entire stranger things ensemble, thor, river song, fili, carl grimes, sam winchester

16) Number of Blankets You Sleep With: in the winter 2/3

17) Dream Trip: norway or iceland

18) Blog Created: 2012 sometime??

19) Number of Followers: nearly 500!!!!!

20) Random Fact: i don't want children

Tag followers want to get to know better!

@chlobenet @capntony @wellcometothedarkside @alightwhendarknessfell @herzbeben @lokihiddleston @thisdorkyblogthing @queenislanzadi @peetasallhehasleft

[ghost-bonezz]

I nominate Ren from alightwhendarknessfell for Best Blogger.

@alightwhendarknessfell for Best Blogger!!!

Info on what I’m doing here

[bvbgarbage-blog]

Hey @alightwhendarknessfell did you see Andy's eye in this on Juliets snapchat? It looks like he has a black eye. Also a little suspicious how she used a black and white filter. She hasn't used it in a while.

[leland-chapman-the-bounty-hunter]

Also, I haven’t spoke about Warped Tour much on this blog but if you want to know I did meet one of @alightwhendarknessfell’s followers while there and she was so sweet (so is Ren, don’t get me wrong) and honestly it’s such a small world.

[lavender1192]

Do not support Ashley Costello. She I'd just using everyone for money because she's not making enough as musician. Also it seems she only wants people who kiss her ass to be apart of of Instagram. @alightwhendarknessfell