#i really heard nothing for weeks | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

palettepainter · 2 months

Text

Warning: vent

It's my 22nd birthday July 29th. My family and myself are going away for a small holiday. I don't know what I want to do to celebrate, and if it is my age or seeing my siblings surrounded by such positive groups of friends of which I never had at their age, but it's dawning on me just how alone I really feel outside of my online circle

My sister has many friends, and she's said before how she and her friends all have an autistic older sibling, and she admitted to how sometimes, she's felt like she'd had to parent me. I know it's said in a light-hearted joke, but I look at her and how she has grown - doing far more then I ever did at her age - and I wonder, did I fail? Am I just a quirky joke between you and your friends that makes you closer??

Along with failed attempts at a diagnosis, the possibility of depression being a factor, and the anxiety, it's lead me to wonder if who I am outside of this screen is even someone worth while. What if I am my faults

#Vent #Birthdays really suck right now #I've still heard nothing back from my doctor #I'm so tired of having to reach out to people for help #I want someone to reach out to me and fucking proove I'm worth that effort #Personal #No art for a week as we're going away #Might not reply to any DM's or asks in that time either #Sorry all

24 notes · View notes

lynzishell · 3 months

Text

So here we are

...again

#a preview for next week #because i'm losing my mind over the next chapter #in the best way #i wrote this chapter last fall with no intention of it ever seeing the light of day #i was just having fun writing for them and getting to know them #the word 'again' has a link to my first post of the two of them #the photo i took right after finishing this chapter the first time #it felt fitting to recreate it now #as time went on i really wanted to share their whole story #and then i heard this song and it sparked inspiration for this entire arc #every time i hear the intro i see this image of the two them walking together #so it was fun to finally create it #it's so simple.. nothing special really.. but meaningful to me nonetheless yknow #for me... sharing this chapter now feels like a full circle moment #even tho we're only half way through this arc lol #anyway.. i hope you enjoy this week's chapter as much as i've enjoyed writing it and bringing it to life #enjoy the good feels while they last lol #💛🩵#aries outtakes #atlas extras #asher extras #spotify

34 notes · View notes

archduke-enver-gortash · 5 months

Text

mmm essay about sally and kid gort in the tags (cw for child abuse, mentions of suicide, animal cruelty and a murder attempt. i always hope i don’t have to say this but just in case: i don’t excuse or condone any of her or gort’s behaviour at all.) this is literally not even touching upon everything i have to say because i hit the fucking tag limit lmao. NOBODY READ IT’S BAD BRAINSTORMING I JUST NEEDED TO GET IT OUT SOMEHOW

#thinkin too much about gortie side characters again.#sally this time and why she specifically talks about him the way she does #like dravo is obviously still shitty but to me he was. ‘just ‘neglectful #while sally actively hated and even felt terrorised by her own child #like. it’s not like i don’t understand her at all.#imagine you and your love don’t have much besides each other and your shop and you get pregnant and ready to raise a child #only for it to not be a child he didn’t and doesn’t cry ever and he learns everything so much sooner than most but then he never calls you #his parents and it’s not just a petty thing kids do sometimes you feel that he doesn’t see you as family and the worst part is that you #agree deep down #and as he gets older he doesn’t have any friends and actively rejects the notion of the entire concept #but then as time passes you hear about how he has entire groups of children following him and then several of them commit suicide #and that thing coming to sit with you and dravo at the dinner table says that he did what you did last week when the axe to chop wood broke #and you discarded it and got a new one #and he has these habits of ripping out flowers and making sure that they don’t regrow #and then you hear rumours about a friend’s daughter’s cat disappearing and think nothing of it #until you visit his tree house a month later and find a declawed cat and birds with clipped wings and crushed bugs that he keeps fondly #and then you see him with other children and they don’t know and his face is different and body language is entirely different #and were it not for the fact that you know better you would never see anything but a normal child #and you know that you are one who painstakingly brought this thing that should not be into the world and so you decide to end it all one da #and go to him as he’s asleep with the knife shaking in your hand #but he cries when you’re above him! screams at the top of his lungs!#so you beg for forgiveness even though you don’t deserve it through tears but as soon as the knife is put away you see the act drop and fee #his clever fingers having twisted your brain inside and out and you know that you can do nothing #and so the opportunity arises to at least remove him out of your life if not everyone’s lives and you take it immediately.#but you heard him talk. how he will close his fist around the world one day. and you know that it is not a matter of if but when.#like. imagine that. jesus dude.#like i hc her as someone that is messy and does not know a lot about life and she certainly wouldn’t have been a good mother but the love #or at least desire to love is there somewhere. and believing that having a child is really the only somewhat meaningful thing she can do #with her life. she’s not some hero or rich or anything of note. so there’s a lot obligation and not genuine desire for family here.#but she never really got the chance to be an actual mother in the first place so. who knows what that might have looked like

19 notes · View notes

talkorsomething · 3 months

Text

I have Got to get more transgender

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #transmasc #trans ftm #transgender #i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever #so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL #it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks #such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also #or like. exist in general maybe #reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically #idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again #i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this #i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian #like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty #miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes #partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it #as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once #didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.

7 notes · View notes

guckies · 9 months

Text

I don’t have many hopes for any lore conflicts especially with the soulfire members considering all the relationship conflicts were just seemingly thrown out the window as soon as they got back to quesadilla

#qsmp purgatory 2 #qsmp purgatory #that’s not to dismiss the bond that soulfire has but this is in general like ermmm #I know as well not everyone is back which is also a problem but don’t say purgatory was lore when really is was a competition that resulted #in any and all possible good juicy story making conflicts to be thrown out when they got back to quesadilla #bc the people who are villains to another refuse to be seen as such #like if cellbit jaiden baghera or slime dont drag out the conflict then i think ill crack like two weeks for nothing #two weeks for everyone to shake hands and go their separate ways two weeks fucking wasted???#like purgatory could have resulted in such good story telling yet… left like a baby out in the wind UN FUCKJNG HEARD #aghhh idk why im pissed about it maybe i just need my roleplay queens back #qsmp neg #- tag just in case #also edit to this THE ‘RP’ BAD DID WASNT BARELY RP SINCE NO ONE ELSE WAS PARTICIPATING DUE TO HAVING A BAD TIME OR JUST TRYING TO GET OUT O #WHATEVER BULLSHIT HE PUT THEM IN ISK LIKE THE STUPID ASS SPAWN KILLING

16 notes · View notes

freebooter4ever · 5 months

Text

Lmao i was crying too hard and dripped tears on my phone and tried to wipe it off with my sleeve forgetting that i had used my sleeve to blow my nose and ended up smearing snot all over instead of cleaning off the teardrops \o/ i need a change of clothes and a shower lol

#Jrnlsht #The only thing ive been really confident in was that one opportunity in switzerland because sure i dont have any triple a names #But there are not many people who have both g*me industry and education experience and this was for a educational company #but its been a week and i have heard nothing from them ;_;#I KNOW i can do the work required at a big name studio because i have done it just through client/studio interactions rather than direct #but nobody is gonna fucking believe me because i dont have the prestigious names and a damn list

13 notes · View notes

shrews-art · 4 months

Text

Being alone at home SO isn't good for me, how does anyone deliberately choose to live on their own 😭

#meaning this in an 'I respect people capable of this very very much' kinda way #my partner is visiting their family for a few days so it's nothing drastic like it's not weeks spent alone or anything #but still dhskfhkshd #it's these times that I realise how much of an extrovert I am with how high social needs #shrews ramblings #oh fun news tho!!! tomorrow I'm going to a concert with my little sibling #it's нервы - a Russian/Ukrainian rock band and I'm super excited for it #hmmm I might take doodle requests sometime these days since I really wanna draw a lot to improve but #I don't always have fresh ideas #one reason why tumblr has always been and will always be my favourite platform is that #I can just talk to myself in the tags of posts like this #it feels like writing down my thoughts in the notes app but has the being heard feeling added to it #even if not many people see it

4 notes · View notes

todayisafridaynight · 2 days

Note

Since you mentioned it, what did you think of Speak No Evil? I was thinking of watching it myself :0

i really liked it ............ my friend scoffed at me when i told her i was watchin it so take my opinion with a grain of salt tho </3

#snap chats #SHE DIDNT EVEN WATCH IT BUT W/E SPOILER FREE QUICK REVIEW DOWN HERE HIIII <3<3<3<3 #ive been made aware my tastes are. Questionable so proceed with caution vlklvjv im so sorry if i convince you to see it and you dont like i #moving on I Have. done nothing but listen to Eternal Flame for the past week its been stuck in my head ever since #BUT FR as i said I Really Liked It. i heard that theres another/original version so i wanna watch that at some point #if i care to remember and find it vjaelkjeakl but as This Movie On Its Own i had a swell time !!!#it does a really good job of teetering that line of #'this is just a quaint little sometimes-awkward get-together' and 'this is so stressful i just might throw up'#it did a good job of keeping me invested and on my toes i guess- it bitters innocuous scenarios really well which i like #like i wasnt sure WHEN whatever scene i was watching would turn sour but i always had that feeling it /would/- that lingering feeling #the horror in this is more psychological than violent- it only gets crazy by the last quarter honestly #which isnt bad! i like psych horror and Christ. the amount of times i was just grimacing in my seat like Suspense Is The Word #like imagine a dinner party where people only say controversial things and you dont want to blow up the situation #so you just try to be really polite about pivoting from the topic. but they keep going. thats basically the horror of this movie at its cor #i do have SOME comments about some bits but i wanna rewatch the movie at some point to be thorough on my comments jglejlakj #yk do a rewatch where im. NOT jokin bout with my brother- THO TBF DESPITE THAT I was still invested #like its premise is so. simple? in concept imo. but 'simple' isnt automatically bad in my eyes and i really liked how it played out #i dont watch movies much tho so maybe its been done different but there is ONE thing tht definitely made me like. HUH #but its nothing super major i dont htink? I MEAN IT WAS KINDA BIG BUT there were signs to it being revealed. still it made me vjLJ like god #i cant explain tho cause SPOILERS but ... Yeah. its not that crazy it just definitely took me by surprise for how quick the reveal was #tldr: if you ever wanted to watch an awkward dinner party where you couldnt do anything about it this is the movie to watch #and i like that. i like that because i hate myself apparently jVLAEKJVAEKLJ #coupled with horror it was also funny at times which i felt did help with that underlying 'when will this be tainted' horror #i really liked that ... when normalcy or the feeling of safety can be taken away in an instant #if you watch it and wanna talk bout it more in depth ill prob have rewatched it by then and id like to give a more. Detailed review #OR AT LEAST ONE NOT SO RAMBLY VELKAVJEALKJ im not good at reviewing things .... i just know when i like or dont like somethin ..#ive only had my bro to talk bout this with and he doesnt really. Give his thoughts or opinions too much like i do #so id be happy to talk bout it and get your perspective !!!! but only if you want Again if you dont like it im so sorry erlakjaekl #god theres so much more i want to say but im just rambling and i wanna be brief for you my friend vlakjlakvlkj #anyway yeah. those are my quick thoughts. i was Very Normal about james mcavoy for most of this movie ty for reading

3 notes · View notes

anthonycrowley · 10 months

Text

telling random people that they probably have to shampoo their hair less than they think is a thankless job that no one listens to me for but someone must be a prophet that walks the earth

#my post #people are like wow how does your hair look so good?#1. the cheapest conditioner i can find that doesn't have parabens #2. i only shampoo (also with very cheap shampoo without parabens i personally use the tea tree stuff from tj's) once every two weeks #this amount of time will be different for everyone and sometimes people do just produce so much oil naturally they should be washing a lot #but i've heard a lot of people me included your hair basically recalibrates after a bit and my hair is like never greasy except shampoo day #3. a few sprays of de-frizzer when still wet because my hair is really curly and it does frizz and i don't love that look. that's it #this is obviously not universal but if you like your natural hair you probably don't have to do as much with it as you think #like letting it do its thing will probably make it healthier and you're not reliant on ten different random products from megacorps. yanno.#*note this is mainly advice for curly hair idk what straight hair maintenance is like. i've heard the shampoo thing is pretty universal tho #also this is not a new topic i just was talking to someone yesterday and they were like oh well my daughter uses this incredibly #expensive shampoo and wants hair like yours and i'm like she should use nothing at all and the lady was like no she won't like that

14 notes · View notes

kurthorton · 2 months

Text

follow my letterboxd to watch me kinda descend into madness

#im kidding it wasnt madness i just love the hsm movies kjdfhdskjfhs #and also a reaction channel i follow posted hsm reactions i had to #august is gonna be a slay month for my letterboxd i have the new zealand international film festival startin in a week and a few days #i currently have. 12? 13? movie tickets for that #i want to see. every movie in the festival #however. there are like 50 and at $22 each i think not #i really wanna see coralie fargeat's the substance but all two screenings have sold out bc its closing night #begging praying pleading on my hands and knees for more screenings to be added #i saw the tv glow is one im extremely excited for i have heard Nothing ab the plot but great things ab trans allegories #i just wanna see them all!!!!! give me all the movies!!!!

3 notes · View notes

girlcrushau · 6 months

Text

#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

4 notes · View notes

cemeterym · 2 months

Text

showed up to a doctor's appointment i have been waiting on for months and the entire place is closed and on summer vacation because my psychiatrist?? gave me the wrong location???? like me and the doctor were in completely different cities. what if i lost it for real

#like i could swear she told me this town. the one i live in. bc she knows i can't easily get to the one the doctor was at #the doctor called me and i only heard half of what he said bc the connection was dogshit but i have a video call with him next week i guess #at first he was like well do you just wanna do it via phone right now #yes i really want to talk to a man i can't hear properly about bipolar disorder on the grocery store parking lot #while evading groups of teenagers and two definitely wasted old men thanks i want nothing more #fuck me for real i need that man to write me a certificate i can use to get accommodations at my school #i also need a new psychiatrist so bad bc this is insane how does shit like this keep happening #he was like yeah sorry about this and i just went “oh it's fine : )” bro is it really

2 notes · View notes

silverislander · 5 months

Text

people smarter than me have said this before but jesus christ why does every job seem to require at least a year of experience and a degree in some hyperspecific field. where did the entry level positions go? how am i even supposed to get experience if none of yall will give me a job without it?

#theres already almost nothing related to my field being offered but even the unrelated things that i think i could try are out bc of this #most of the stuff id actually care abt doing actually require 3-5+yrs! in a field that i cant get into without experience i cant get!#and people talk abt how 'nobody wants to work' i am BEGGING you for a job. literally begging (cover letters).#im coming to the horrifying realization that its possible Nothing i have done w my entire life matters. i have nothing useful #i really feel like i made a mistake. that cant be the best five years of my life i wasnt even happy during most of them #i applied to six jobs weeks ago and ive heard back from one of them and it was a rejection. and theres nothing else to apply to #my degree isnt helping and all of my hobbies are useless. why am i only good at/passionate abt arts. why not math or smth instead #i should have just done ece like i was planning to instead of my honours. what was even the point #and im watching other people in my year get great jobs right out of university. watching my BROTHER get offered work on a silver platter #hes 19 and got five different offers + didnt apply people just asked him to work for them. second year in a row this has happened #hes never had to work for minimum wage. hes always had a good job in his field lined up anytime he wants to work and it always pays well #and i finished five years and ive had to beg for everything ive ever gotten and its still not enough to count for anything #im proud of him but fuck it stings a little #levi.txt #vent tw #oh right i forgot i should just walk in and shake the managers hand. /right/. and they will simply give me a job on the spot bc of this #if people whove been working the same job since before 1990 dont fucking stop giving me bad advice istfg #and these same people say nepotism isnt real and in the same breath talk abt giving their nephew a summer job at their company #literally all i want is work i can be decent at that i care abt and making a living wage. it doesnt have to be fun i dont want to be rich #i just want to do an ok job feel like my work matters and make enough to start my life. thats all

4 notes · View notes

golohours · 6 months

Note

that makes me really anxious actually like what more can she say i don’t like people saying she’s gonna come back with even more stuff im on kill myself island again

its ok anogie we’re on kill *ourselves island, Together!<3

#its a possibility but i dont know if its likely #people wouldnt trust it anyway i dont think like why wait 2 weeks to say somethinf more damning #i think she’s just a bit thrown by how he’s handled it and how much people have heard him out #with the way she was threatening him and calling him a coward i really thiink #she thought he would go live abd say ‘nothing ever happened between us idk who she is’#and then she would pull out the texts like bam got u #but then that didnt happen #and lots of people are supporting him when i dont think she even thought that was a possibility

2 notes · View notes

citrlet · 1 year

Text

don't read tags if you don't want to see me rant about my health for a sec

#ill be discreet but ive been dealing with this certain health issue for almost 2 months now #i saw my doctor on feb 28th who gave me some medication for the problem #which i thought was great... until the meds did literally nothing for me #so ive been absolutely stressing over this issue for weeks now #calling my doctors almost every day trying to get in earlier than the 27th this month #because i just cant deal with it anymore and im tired of waiting #i heard about this online womens health site that deals with you pretty quickly so i signed up #even though i dont really have the money for it but i need to get rid of this issue or im going to go insane #and im just so anxious over this and feel insanely guilty for some reason im about to burst into tears #im really sorry for ranting here but i felt like i needed to get it out #why do i feel so anxious and guilty about taking care of my own health i hate it #personal #dl

11 notes · View notes

todayisafridaynight · 1 year

Text

having my Art Specialty be described as 'daddies' is technically not wrong but also its very hard to not scream when being told so to my face in the dorm lobby regardless. like im just supposed to accept that description with a smile and nod as if i dont know we aren't thinking of the same kind of daddy

#snap chats #HEEEEEELP #like its one thing to be told that online but right to my face where im looking professional and Not Terminally Online is a whole new thing #i went to watch spiderverse with my dormmate and her friend- the friend that wanted to comm me last week #and because our mutual friend fucking sucks dick at being on time we had to wait for her even tho she invited us ANYWAY--#last time she was looking to get one of her gal oc's drawn but then she went to look through my other art #and she really come back to me like 'ive noticed you draw really 'daddy' characters SO :))' and i heard NOTHING ELSE AFTER #LIKE. LIKE YEAH BY TECHNICALITY YOU ARE RIGHT. I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT DRAW FATHERS FOR FIVE MONTHS #god has it really been five months 🧍‍♂️#but anyway..... //screams// ive been profiled as a dilf specialist by someone at school i need to leave NOW #i thank god every day ive essentially stopped postin my saucier works cause THAT woulda been an even more awk convo #its just so funny cause i really havent drawn anything particularly 'attractive'. like im just drawin these dudes bein silly LMAO #im just grateful she doesnt have a twitter or tumblr so she doesnt see me post EVERYTHING in real time yk #anyway... im gonna stare at the wall until i relent and go to bed #spiderverse was great 8/8. its really funny that i've watched both spiderverses multiple times cause of school events LMAO #ok bye

10 notes · View notes