#i really feel like theres something seriously wrong with me that makes my life always like go this way

[invisibletoothpasteman]

Something that is completely unserious but I just need to get off my chest is how people mistake complicated family dynamics as something inherently bad and therefore gravitate towards something completely stripped of any real complexity.

While I know this applies to lots of fandoms, I'm thinking specifically in regards to Batman comics.

With the rise in popularity of comics over the past little while since their decline in popularity in the 2000s there has naturally become an increase in their fandom as well, especially for Batman and the batfam. Don't get me wrong, this is great news. The comic industry NEEDS all the readers it can get and the renaissance of sorts it's been going through really shows hope for the future of comics. And with a growing fandom comes more people introduced to these characters through the fandom itself rather than the source material, which again, is a good thing.

What grinds my gears is how throughout this fandom theres been this whole idea spread that in the comics Bruce Wayne is always a shitty parent, the batfam is hardly a family, that the fanon version of him is what we deserve and is the "superior" version of him.

This fanon version of bruce (and the batfam as a whole) is perfect. He's not perfect in the sense that he's perfectly characterized. He's not perfect in the sense that he never makes mistakes. No, he's perfect in the sense that when he makes a mistake, he can flawlessly atone for it. There's conflict sure, but whenever there is some amazing therapist-approved communication is put right into play, the batfam talks about their feelings, and boom everyone is happy.

The thing is in reality that's just not how things work. Relationships are messy, especially family. Resolving conflict is messy. This is all especially true when you apply it to a family of messed-up vigilantes that go through incredibly stressful, emotional, and just plain crazy things on the daily.

The lack of always perfectly solved conflict is what makes stuff interesting. It allows for nuance in characters and situations that there isn't normally room for if everything is designed to be wrapped up in a sweet little bow.

I feel like a lot of people see the comics solely as batman being shitty and the rest of the batfam not really being a family and just overall poor story choices. While I can't deny that sometimes there are really poor or ooc choices made (such is the nature when so many different creators get to work on the same group of characters) for the most part batman in the comics is portrayed as he should be: well meaning, but far from perfect. The rest of the batfam is similarly flawed. Their relationships with each other are far from perfect but such is the nature of family. It's messy, it's imperfect but going through all of that makes it more compelling.

While I still definitely enjoy the simplified version of the batfam from time to time and am glad so many others do too, I think it's a disservice to say its the better version of them. as much fun as wfa or the like can be, they're not able to portray the same complexity as the stories that have the batfam with their flaws and all. It's still possible to tell heartwarming and fun stories in comics where everyone is heavily flawed and nuanced.

That being said really i'm glad people are able to enjoy these characters no matter how they're presented. Goodness knows that everyone should absolutely be indulging in little things in life even if that is ooc batfam. Just consider if you're still new to batman and only familiar with the fandom getting out there and reading some comics because they're pretty great.

(sorry this whole thing was written in a sleep deprived rant state, don't take it too seriously)

[reetreets]

Ninã - Miguel O'Hara / Teen Reader

THIS IS NOT A SEXUAL RELO ITS MIGUEL BEING A PARENT OKAY

summary:

“Niña?” Her heart stops at the voice in front of her. Theres only one person in the whole multiverse who calls her that.

“What the fu-hell are you doing here?”

She looks at him with open eyes, slowly rimming with tears.

“I-uh..I could ask you the same thing?” She says nervously.

OR:

reader is 17 and pregnant and wants to get an abortion but doesn't want anyone to know but miguel finds her at the clinic and takes care of her.

3920 words

Two lines.

Her eyes frozen, straight on the lines that scream "biggest mistake of your life" in her ears. A sob escapes through her throat and she lets the tears fall uncontrollably as she covers her mouth, slapping herself internally

"How could you be so stupid?" She asks herself.

She stays in the stall for about an hour, crying and cursing to herself until her legs start cramping up and she stops crying. She decides to go send in the report to Miguel, he’s been asking her for it for a while now.

Her and Miguel never really had the best relationship. She was always getting into trouble and he was always cleaning up after her. He would always give her the most criticism when giving briefs. Whether she’s being risky on missions, not thinking straight when fighting, putting herself into danger and thus stressing him the fuck out.

She opens the door to find the brooding male standing at his monitors. ‘Come on, just hide it. just for a little bit.’ She thinks to herslelf. She takes a deep breath before walking in.

“Hey Miggy” she smirks, knowing he hates that nickname. “I got that report you’ve been wanting.” she said, waving it in the air.

He turns away from his monitors to see the report and walks towards her before taking it from her hand. “I asked to see this 2 days ago.” He says while flipping through the pages and glancing at her. He notices her puffy eyes and red cheeks. ‘Is she crying? No, knowing her she’s probably high.’

As he thinks to himself, he questions his decision to recruit such a young, stupid teenager.

“Dios mío- are you high?” He asks sternly, looking her straight in the eye.

“What? No! What makes you say that.” She says, taken aback.

“Well your eyes and cheeks are red and puffy.” He replies, pointing at her face with the papers.

“I’m not high.” She says. “Besides, where would I even get good grass around here.” She joked.

“You’re lying. Fucking Hobie again isn’t it?” He says, muttering swear words in spanish.

“I’m not lying! Breath test me right now.”

“No i’m not bothered just- get out please. I really don’t wanna deal with your bullshit today.” He says, holding the bridge of his nose and squeezing his eyes shut.

“Alright alright.” She says, walking backwards to the exit .“See ya Miggy!” she laughs as he rolls his eyes, and turns back to the monitors.

But as soon as she leaves, her smile drops, and she lets out a massive breath that she didn’t know she was holding.

“Should I keep it?”

“Adoption is still a thing right?”

“How much does an abortion cost?”

“Oh God what are my parents gonna say?”

These thoughts swimming in her mind as she walks through the crowded halls of the Spider HQ.

“Ay, watch the arms fam.” She hears a voice, sounding like Hobie, but she can’t even process it right now. Her body is in autopilot, until she feels something grab at her wrist and takes her out of her mind.

“Hey, are you okay?” Gwen asks, looking at her with concerned eyes. She realises all her friends are in front of her

“Huh? Oh, yeah I’m great. Just peachy.” She says, putting on a fake smile.

“But..you’ve been crying?” Pavitr says softly, approaching her and putting an arm on her shoulder. The rest of the Spider-Teens circle her, worry filling their eyes.

“Whats wrong?”

“You alright fam?”

“You can talk to us”

She hears these words swinging around her ears until she pulls away from them and laughs.

“Guys seriously, I’m fine. Nothings wrong, I don’t know what you’re so worried about.” She says while walking away while putting the hood of her jacket on and shoving her hands in her pocket.

“I need to get rid of it.”

-

She enters the clinic, nervous with her hand clutching her purse. She walks up to a counter and looks at the nurse, “Hi, um…I have an appointment at 4?” She says softly.

“Yes of course dear, we just need you to sign these forms. Have a seat over there and we’ll call you when we’re ready to being the procedure.” The nurse says, smiling softly at her.

She nods, taking the papers and a seat in the waiting area. As she starts reading the papers, she’s thinking about how she ever got herself into this position. She feels her heart in her ears as she writes her signature for the fourth time.

“Niña?” Suddenly her heart stops at the voice in front of her. Theres only one person in the whole multiverse who calls her that.

“What the fu-hell are you doing here?”

She looks at him with open eyes, slowly rimming with tears.

“I-uh..I could ask you the same thing?” She says nervously.

“I donate here all the time. I just came to finalise some paperwork. Now you.” He said, crossing his arms.

“I…uh…” No words came out of her mouth. She sat there, silent, looking down to her feet.

“Wait.” He said, uncrossing his arms, and slowly approaching her. “Are you…pregnant?” He said, his accusatory tone being replaced with a more concerned one.

She sees him take the seat next to her, but doesn’t dare to move. Instead she lets the tears roll down her cheeks, soaking the papers as she covers her face with her hands.

“Oh niña, ¿por qué no dijiste nada?” He said, removing her arms and pulling her in for a hug. She reciprocates and wraps her arms tightly around his neck, falling into his embrace. She didn’t realise how much she needed this, having someone to care for her. To support her through this whole situation.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to disappoint you,” Her words muffled with her face in his chest. He rubs circles around her back, rethinking his choices that made her so afraid to talk to him, that she kept a whole pregnancy to herself. “Does anyone know? Do your parents know? Or your friends?” He said, as he pulled away from her and wiped the tears off her red cheeks, giving him déjà vu from their last interaction. ‘Is this what she was crying about?’ He thinks.

She shook her head. “No. No one knows. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I just want to get rid of it and forget this ever happened.” She said, looking down, while fidgeting with her fingers. He nodded in response.

“Are you gonna tell anyone?” She said softly, as she finally looked up to meet his eyes. For once, the angry eyes were gone, and were replaced with orbs full of concern and worry.

“Not if you don’t want me to. Do you have anyone to drive you home?” He asked, with one hand falling onto his lap and the other falling onto her shoulder.

“No.” she said, “I was kind of gonna catch a cab.” She laughed, looking to the side.

He shook his head again. “No, I can’t let you do that. I’ll drive you back to HQ.”

“A-Are you sure? I mean I don’t want to bother you-“

“Miss L/N?” the nurse calls her. “We’re ready when you are.” She says, smiling at the young girl.

She looks back at Miguel with fearful eyes and he takes his hand in hers. “I’ll be here when you get back. If you need anything, just send one of the nurses to get me, okay?” She stays silent and nods before getting up and following the nurse to the room.

He sees her walk away and slumps in the chair, holding his face in his hand. He shakes his head internally to himself. Jeez he was acting like this girl was his own daughter. He found himself constantly glancing at the closed door, where she lay.

-

She changed into her medical gown and exited the bathroom, the knot in her stomach slowly growing.

“Lay down here and spread your legs out, we’ll start off with the anaesthesia.” The doctor said.

She followed her instructions and laid down with her legs spread. The doctor injected her and she slowly found herself loosing feeling in her private area.

“We’ll begin the procedure now. Clamps please?” The doctor said. As they began the procedure, she found herself thinking about the life she could have led, had she had this baby. She realised that she’d been calling them ‘it’ the whole time she knew she was pregnant. She thought about how her ex-boyfriend always talked about having kids. Wanting kids. How she didn’t tell him. Not that he’d care anymore. Once he found out she was a Spider-Person, he didn’t want anything to do with her and her dangerous lifestyle.

She was crying. A feeling off loss filled her to the bone as she saw the doctors poking around. She covers her mouth with her hand to hide the sob threatening to escape her mouth, and the other to grip the sheets she lays on. Squeezing her eyes closed as the tears ran down into her hair.

She feels a hand holding onto her shoulder

“Do you want me to call him to come inside here?” The nurse said.

She nodded quickly. She really didn’t want to bother him, but she was hurting. she needed his support. She needed him to tell her everything was gonna be fine. That she was making the right decision.

- “Mr O’Hara?” the nurse called out.

As soon as he heard his name, he stood up and rushed in front of the nurse.

“Is she okay? Are there any complications?” He said hurriedly, trying to look inside the room, even though the door was closed.

“She’s doing well physically, but…I think she needs someone to hold her hand. Give her some support, you know?”

He nodded and the nurse opened the door to reveal a hurting, young girl crying on the bed, while the doctors did the procedure. His heart broke at the sight. The girl he knew, who was always confident, always sassy, always upbeat and positive, was crumbling down right in front of him.

He rushed to her side and sat down in the chair next to her bed. He took the hand covering her mouth and the hand holding the sheets and took them both in one hand. The other went straight to her cheeks, wiping her tears away. “Shh, shh ninã, its okay, I’m here. Everything’s gonna be okay. You can squeeze my hand if you need to.” He said calmly, while taking the strands of hair covering her face and tucked it behind her ear.

And she squeezed his hand like he was the last drip of water she would ever drink. She let the sobs out of her stomach and he rubbed her head soothingly, occasionally moving to wipe her tears and letting out supportive words here and there, some even in Spanish.

“The procedure is complete. You can change back into your clothes and get the final paperwork from reception.” The doctor said, before removing her gloves and walking out of the room, the nurses following closely behind her.

As soon as they left, Miguel got up to sit up on the bed and held her as she cried into his shoulder. He closed his eyes, imagining if it was his daughter in this situation. She was kind of like his daughter. She had the same ambitious personality. The same optimistic outlook on life, always active and always making trouble. He just wanted to support her. Make her feel better. So he held onto her, tighter, afraid to let go one more time.

After some time, her cries calmed, and the anaesthesia wore off, so she moved off the bed and went to the bathroom to change back into her clothes. She shimmied her underwear on, but fatigue hit her like a truck, and for the love of God she couldn’t get her pants on. She whined and groaned as she tried to get her pants on but failed.

Miguel heard her sounds and knocked on the door.

“Ninã? Are you okay?”

She whined once again. “They won’t go up.” she said, slurring her words just the tiniest bit, but this didnt pass through Miguel’s head.

He walked in and saw her struggling to put her pants on. “Ay querida, let me help you.” He said, rushing to her side. He takes her pants and pulls them up slowly, afraid to hurt her. He notices her dazed figure and as soon as he pulls her pants up the whole way, he puts an arm on her back and leaves the room, grabbing her purse in the process. He never once leaves her side, all he wants is to help her.

They enter reception and he gently sits her down on one of the chairs. She lets her head hit the wall as she sees him walk towards the reception desk and ask for the paperwork. As she sits, waiting patiently, she keeps replaying the look on his eyes when he found out she was pregnant. He was not in the least bit mad at her, or disappointed or anything. All he did was care for her. Nurture her, like she was his own child.

She imagined her family life to be different. If maybe in one universe, Miguel actually her dad, and how he would probably care for her like this all the time.

“Ninã? Wake up, we have to go now. Let’s get you back to HQ and to a bed.”

She nodded slowly and got out of the chair. He held her waist and helped her to leave the clinic and right into his car. Which happens to be a pickup truck.

‘Typical Miguel. Of course he would have a pickup truck’ She chuckles to herself.

He helps her into the seat, even putting the seatbelt on for her, tucking her legs into the seat. He wants her to be comfortable, and does everything in his power to do so.

“Is this okay?” He asks, looking into her glassy eyes.

She gives a soft smile and replies. “Yeah. Thank you.”

He smiles back and closes the door, making his way to the other side of the car.

As they drive she finds herself looking out the window, passing multiple families with children, how happily they race around the park. How their ice-cream touches their noses, leaving a light mark. How the smiles of the children never fail to brighten someone’s day. She starts contemplating her decision to get rid of the child. Regret starts flowing through her brain.

“Do you think I made the right decision?” She asks softly, still looking out the window.

Miguel sighs, glancing at her then back at the road. “Yes Querida. I think you have too much going on in your life right now. With being Spider-Woman, a student, and a daughter to your own family, a child of your own would be way too much. And this is just my opinion, but I think you’re too young to be a mother. You’ll have plenty of time for that when you’re older.” He says, never skipping a beat.

His words sink into her brain and she realises that he’s right. She is too young. She has too many responsibilities of her own right now. If she has a child, she would have to give up everything. Even being a spider.

She blinks her tears away and lifts her legs to rest her chin on her knees. ‘Yeah, he’s right.’ She thinks to herself, as she slowly drifts off to sleep.

Miguel glances at her and sighs. The worry never stopped. For the rest of the trip, he kept glancing back at her. He never stopped to make sure she was comfortable. That she was okay. He understands how shitty it must be for her right now. She doesn’t need him to be frantic and mad at her. He’s only mad that she didn’t come to him sooner. She was prepared to go through this without telling anyone. She was going into this by herself and that made him angry. Not at her, but himself. He was meant to be a leader. Someone people look up to. Someone people can come to when they need help, or have a concern. Especially the ones so young, like Gwen, Miles and Pavitr.

‘No wonder they always ask Peter and Jess for backup, and not me.’ He thinks to himself.

They arrive at HQ and he notices how she’s still deep in slumber. He opens her door and carries her in his arms.

He makes his way to his personal room and sets her down in his bed, ever so gently, as not to wake her. He tucks her in bed and tucks her hair behind her ear to reveal her face. He notices the puffiness and redness surrounding her face has decreased. He pecks her on the forehead and moves out to his office.

He takes his place in front of his monitors, as his suit appears and his normal clothes diminish.

“Lyla?”

“Sup Boss?”

“Keep a screen of the security cameras in my room on next to me.”

“Keeping an eye on your adopted child? So adorable.” She says, before disappearing and the video recording pops up next to his work. He sighs, questioning his sanity when he was programming her to be the sassiest person he knew.

As he continued his work, his eyes kept glancing towards the monitor next to him. He never stopped thinking about her. He wouldn’t admit this out loud, but he did feel like a father. He remembered the times when his daughter would get sick. How he would care for her, and make her soup, and take her temperature, and hold her in his arms- ‘stop it.’ He thought to himself.

He shuts those thoughts off immediately. Cracking his neck and rerouting his focus onto his work.

Hours pass and he realises that she probably hasn’t had anything to drink or eat the whole day. He decides to finish this report and get some food from the cafeteria. He makes his way through the crowd, finding people moving out of his way, cowering in fear. He sighs, ‘I really need to work on how I look to these people.’

As he orders his food, he feels an arm fall around his neck.

“Ay big boss. How’re ya?”

Hobie. For the love of God why him.

He sighs and turns around to find all the other spider-kids surrounding him. He raises an eyebrow. “What is it?”

“Nothin’, just wonderin’, you know anythin’ ‘bout the little one? She’s been dodging us this whole day and we fink you’re the only one who’s gotta know.”

“We’re just worried about her. We saw her crying when she came out of your office.” Gwen says.

He looks down at her and thinks for a moment. He remembered her words.

“I didn’t want to tell anyone. I just want to get rid of it and forget this ever happened.”

He sighs, “She’s sick. Stomach bug or something.” He says vaguely, while turning around and picking up the tray of food.

Before they can respond, he walks away, making a path towards his dorm.

As he opens the door, he finds her sitting up scratching her head. ‘She must have just woken up’. He says.

“Hey Ninã. How are you feeling.?” He says, sitting next to her on the bed, and putting the tray on the table.

She groans. “Like shit.”

“Yeah I thought you would. I brought you some food from the cafeteria. I’m thinking you probably haven’t had anything to eat or drink all day.”

“Ugh I love you you’re the best.” She said, while grabbing a burger from the mountain of food and taking a big bite of it. She sighs in content.

With her mouth full of food, she asks, “Why did you order so much food?”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full.” He said sternly, his fatherly senses kicking in. “Well I didn’t know what you liked, so I just got a bunch of food and thought I’d let you choose.”

She nods while taking another bite, and letting out another sigh. “you’re the best. did I tell you that?”

He laughs, “Yeah, you did.”

He watches her stuff her face with all the food he brought.

An idea pops into his head.

“Hey uh, if you’re up for it…I have a couple movies in the other room. We could have a movie night?”

She widens her eyes, “Oh my God YES!! Please can I invite the others? Oh they would love it so much. Please please please!” She said, dragging out the last word as she pouted.

He sunk his head down. He didn’t like the idea of the kids in his private room, but still. His main concern was her. “Yeah. Thats alright. Did you want me to call them? Or-“

“No need, already messaged them.” She smiled, putting her phone down.

Within the next second, a group consisting of Hobie, Miles, Pavitr and Gwen bust into the room. Hobie came with a bag full of her favourite snacks.

“Hey! You’re okay!” Gwen says, racing to go hug her. “We heard you were sick with a stomach bug. You doing okay now?”

She goes to hug her back. “Yeah, I’m feeling much better now.” She says, smiling at Miguel. Silently thanking him for staying quiet about the whole thing. He understands, and smiles in return.

The others go to hug her and light conversation passes through the air. He decides that it’s best to leave the kids to themselves and makes his way to the door.

Until it slams open again.

“Hey!! Heard theres a movie night going on here. Decided to come. And look who I brought!!” Peter says excitedly, while holding Mayday up for everyone to see.

Miguel groans as he lets him pass through.

“You can’t help it man. Just accept it.” Jess said, making her way through and patting him on the shoulder.

He turns to face everyone as they buzz with excitement.

“So what movie are we gonna watch?”

“Oh!! We should have a marathon!”

“Star Wars!! Has to be Star Wars.”

Miguel chuckles to himself, watching the kids’ enthusiasm hum through his room. He lets his eyes sit on her smile. He’s glad that she’s feeling better.

“Alright alright. I’ll put it in.” He says. A grin slowly forming on his face, he hides it.

After he selects the movie, he makes his way onto his bed, sitting next to the girl. She moves over to give him more room and she sets her eyes onto the screen

As the movies progress, the light conversation and debates about who’s a better character, Luke or Hans, reduces to light snores. Miguel finds his eyes setting on the girl, as her head falls onto his shoulder. She’s half asleep, barely paying attention, but awake enough to smile.

“Thank you.” She whispers, her eyes never leaving the screen.

“For what?” Miguel questions.

“For today. For helping me. And supporting me. I don’t know how I would have done it without you.”

He smiles down at her and wraps an arm around her, bringing her closer, so her head falls onto his chest and she falls into a deep slumber.

“Anytime, Ninã.”

[jaemified]

major, minor, and the things in between - nishimura riki [TEASER]

"are we friends, lovers, or whatevers in between?"

pairing ; nishimura riki x fem!reader

genre ; slice of life, enemies to lovers, romance, drama, small angst

warnings ; swearing, drinking, brief mention of blood

estimated wordcount ; 6k-8k

estimated release date ; june 9 - june 30

synopsis ; though never quite well acquainted (or so jake thought), sim y/n had always felt strongly against nishimura riki, until her brother jake had forced them to get along. but, what was meant to have them get closer turns into something a little more.

read teaser below the cut !

"whats so hard about getting along with niki? hes a good kid!" jake complained. since his little sister couldnt get along with one of his best friends, it made even the intimate gatherings.. unpleasantly awkward.

"hes annoying, like you are being right now."

"no, why do you really hate him so much."

"i dont know! he just reminds me of someone i guess? and he always cheated on projects back in middle school. even stole my ideas so he could make it look like im in the wrong."

"thats it? youre holding a grudge over him just being a middle school kid from, what, 5 years ago? cmon, theres gotta be something better then that. not to mention even if there wasnt, that makes you sound hella dumb holding a grudge from the 7th grade when youre graduating next year."

y/n thought to herself. of course there was another reason, but it seemed unnecessary to bring up. and she also just didnt want to share it with jake. or maybe, it wasnt the right reason after all.

______________________________________________________________

"hey sunoo! god it feels like forever since i last saw you!"

it was really only a week.

"i know right! its been too long!"

she smiled, no matter what mood she was in, sunoo always was the sunshine in the rain.

"so, whos here?"

"oh, you know the usual. sunghoon, heeseung, jake, and jay. niki and jungwon are supposed to be setting up something in the courtyard."

"setting up what?"

"a volleyball net. jake was on nikis ass all week and wanted him to 1v1 you while we all played basketball. jungwon just wanted to help however he could, hes been tired all week from his job and the dance program."

no fucking way.

"youre saying i have to be alone, with nishimura riki? hell no!"

"isnt it great?" "this is a disaster!" they both exclaimed in unison.

"how is that bad?" "how is this good?!"

sunoo signaled for y/n to continue first. "i just cant stand riki. jakes been on my ass to talk to riki but i didnt think hed actually talk to him, or that hed even listen either."

"seriously? i always thought you had a thing for him. i mean, you look good together, you both share mainly the same interests, mainly the same circle, not to mention the undeniable love you have when your eyes meet-"

"okay thats enough! you know what, how bout we go outside, im hungry anyway."

sunoo shrugged and went along with y/n down the hall.

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

Hiii :) I know this may sound silly and unimportant, but I really need advice. I’m 15 and I have this one friend who it seems like every time any boy is around, she ignores me for him. There was this one boy who kept sitting at our lunch table making extremely vulgar comments, making “dark humor” jokes, and clearly flirting with her and her best friend. I don’t want to sound like a prude, but his comments were weeeiiirrd. For example, he would joke about being a rapist and even asked my friend and her best friend to kiss. Those two were the only ones at the table he was nice to. Everybody knew it was because he was trying his luck with them to see who would fold first. Everyone hated him, but she kept defending him with her life. The only way we could make him go away was to tell him to leave.

Not to be petty, but it bothered me how she dismissed my feelings and called me sensitive. I hate the thought that for the rest of my life, I’m gonna have to put up with men I tell my friends are horrible. I have a feeling that my friends think I’m gonna end up as an old man-hating hag, thus not deserving an opinion on men. I hate having my feelings invalidated. It bothered me that once I told her that it hurt when she ignored me for a boy, she kind of dismissed me. I don’t know what to do. She’s really nice and we haven’t become friends until this year so it feels wrong to scold her or something like that. What should I do? Please tell me if I’m overreacting. I really hope I am cause she’s a good friend.

oh dear. first off: you are not overreacting. i already think its annoying and disloyal to ignore or neglect your girl friends for a boy/man. some women still do this into adulthood and i think thats one reason why we have so little solidarity. its especially bad because not only does she ignore you, she actively dismisses your discomfort with that guy. thats not okay. i would try to talk to her about it and make it about my feelings as to not to offend her since she seems to have a crush on him. „i dont like when you stop talking to me when this boy is around; i would rather you talk to him away from me; i wish you would take my/our discomfort more seriously“. i know the feeling too well, i have had friends dismiss me because „im just a man hater“ and due to my mental issues people always claim im overreacting even when im reacting appropriately (many think that feminist concerns are not appropriate and overreacting by nature so theres that). stay strong and i hope your friend will realise she is not being a good friend, and you can continue the friendship!

[nerdygaymormon]

hello! o/ im a queer teenager from canada! i lead my highschool's gsa and am very active in the queer community around us. we raised $800 for the Trevor Project last year, raised $500 towards a chest binder breakroom at our school and are officially putting on the school's first all-age queer prom this may!

however, im very confused at the moment. i grew up in an atheist household and have never really found myself believing in God or anything religious. while i still dont think i believe ALL of it, lately ive been doing a lot of thinking after finding an old pocket bible that belonged to my great grandmother (she practically raised me but i never knew she was religious, she never mentioned it at all) and flipping through it and reading her flagged scriptures (i believe thats what theyre called, forgive me if im wrong), etc.

i then resorted to the internet and have been doing a bit of research and am now very conflicted about my feelings and beliefs. i now have moments where i genuinely believe there is something/someone divine out there. i find myself... almost talking to it, sometimes? i dont really know how to describe it. i even tried praying the other day for the first time in my life. (i probably didnt do it right if theres a proper way, but the point is i did it and i surprised myself.)

even though i have these moments, i still have times where i doubt it all. aside from the occasional joke, ive always done my best to be respectful of people's faith, but never saw myself believing until now. and when i say believe, like i said before, it isnt all of it. (like the creation of the world, etc)

i feel sort of fake in a way i dont know how to describe because of my conflicted feelings and how i dont believe everything. there are a lot of things i want to say about it but i really cant pull words from the emotions and i keep trying to. i also dont really have anyone in my life who i can talk to about this stuff. my family will not take me seriously and none of my friends and teachers are religious.

i dont know if you take asks like this, and its totally fine if you dont, but if you have any kind of advice it would be greatly appreciated.

sorry for the long ask, but thanks so much! hope youre having a wonderful day my friend 🤍

Congratulations for all you accomplish for queer students at your school! That's amazing!!!

That you find some aspects with religion resonates with you shouldn't be surprising or upsetting. Humans have been creating and practicing religions since before there was recorded history. There seems to be a need that is satisfied by religion.

In a broad sense, religion does 3 thing:

1. It provides an explanation for natural phenomena. Why is the ground shaking? Why did the sun go dark temporarily? Why is there a drought? Why is dad sick? Why did a hurricane pummel New Orleans?

2. Religions provide meaning to life. Religion provides answers for what is the purpose of life and what happens when we die. Religions are a vehicle for passing along the wisdom from past generations from hundreds and thousands of years ago.

3. Religion helps humans build community and encourages cooperation among those who believe. Religious belief also helps people develop self-discipline. Unfortunately, religions also have been used to define who is in a community and who is not, and this has led to a lot of harm and even wars

Beyond all these macro reasons, religion is experienced at the individual level. An individual prays and receive comfort and answers and feels a larger entity cares about them. Their faith gives them a purpose. They have a community that is meaningful in their lives. This is part of the truth of their lived experience and can't be easily quantified. It's what makes religion still relevant in the lives of many people today

[xxjeffthekillerxx]

so ive always indulged in minecraft content as escapism my whole life, and revisiting all that is really nice sometimes, but with the way the internet has changed just by the effects of covid alone, its becoming more and more difficult.

when i was in middle school and watching aphmau to cope with illness and such it was the same thing for me as being in the dream smp fandom in 2020. the difference is only that im allowed to revisit aphmau.

it wasnt that long ago that my ex friend would actively shame me in front of his other friends for being into the dream smp while going through one of the most traumatic things i couldve gone through while trying to transition into highschool

i can never fully trust someone who has "dsmp fans" on their dni because its a complete gamble on whether or not they just havent updated their dni page since 2021, or if theyre the type to have participated in the "rendering process" croaket hate campaign.

lets be real here, dream smp fans dont exist anymore. the series has ended and if you tried to get into it THIS LATE, youd have hundreds of hours of content to catch up on. no one is going to be putting that much effort into a series that is on 90% of all dni pages ever. the dream smp was something you had to be there for.

at this point, if someone has "dsmp fans" or god forbid the wretched "mcyt fans" on their dni list, it means they either havent updated their dni page since 2021, or it means they only put it on there so people wouldnt think they might be a dsmp fan baselessly.

im seriously frustrated with how if i want to talk about my experience during the pandemic, i have to completely omit a part of it that was so important for me as a child stuck inside feeling like there was nothing left to life anymore.

im not saying that its uncriticizable, im saying that mindlessly condemning a fandom that doesnt even exist anymore when its completely unrelated to you and what you post is ridiculous.

theres a LOT to criticize, theres a reason the fandom doesnt really exist anymore, but everything i see online condemning it is in the form of mocking neurodivergent teenagers who were struggling with their mental health during a NATIONAL PANDEMIC just because "lol cringe = funny." the teens watching werent to blame for all that was wrong with it. its not even that these posts are making just of the dsmp alone, thats whatever, its that in all of these posts, they just HAVE to take a jab at alternative styles and queerness. theres not a single one of these videos that doesnt just mock nonbinary trans people.

maybe im just rambling. its exhausting to see the person you had to be while the world was falling apart torn to shred online.

[supermaks]

i agree with u about the merit thing really rubbing me the wrong way like just one example (of literal thousands I’m sure lol) if it was on merit sophie would have received more opportunities being awarded to those based on merit (and even a little bit of nepotism! she’s from a big racing family!) because she was so successful in karting and even beat the men that made it into the higher series. idk there’s just so many things about society that need to change before women have equality in motorsport (like first of all rich families not pushing their daughters into horses lol) that these general statements of merit in order to get women into f1 is so silly. AND I also agree with you about this generalization that all drivers want to be in f1 therefore all women should want to be in f1 like women have found success in other series (danica patrick! the Iron maidiens!) like I feel f1 believes it’s the center of the universe and everyone wants to be them which is sometimes true but not always.

Sophie is such a good example bro of how this patriarchy bullshit extends over money like she had all this immense potential she was beating the 'boys' or whatvr u gotta do to be taken seriously and then she met jos and she got swallowed up by the patriarchal model like literally gave up her own career, first for jos and then for max and people were like yuh this makes sense this is what's expected from her😐😐😐 Like why couldnt fucking Jos give up HIS shit so she could race. Maybe we get no Max sure but we get her. Like sophie cud have made some serious moves in racing she had the talent and she was strong. But like u said many things need to change first and imo the way to go isnt we inject a bunch of money into something like the w series or the f1 academy and give the winner a shot at being up wid 'the f1 boys' like what type of nonsense. No one wants to invest into something like that and what happens when this driver who by all accounts is the 'most capable' of her ((made up)) level suddenly finds herself fighting drivers she has never dealt wid her over a whole season. What wud that mean for all the lil girls watching when she inevitably cant keep up, not because shes a woman but because she has no experience or funding or backing and she’s set up to underperform like Jamie Chadwick. Like it wud be a step back. Something like the w series will always be a step back and ig thats harsh but its my opinion

All the drivers u mentioned even tho danica is like the devil also lilou like shes not that much older than me and shes doing great!! The iron dames are so cool too I loved to watch them during le mans Im definitely following endurance more because of them

Also yuh like theres this ridiculous inferiority complex especially within single seater racing and the 'pinnacle of motorsport' label is ridiculous and unserious. But like tbh some of these series dont help constantly trying to gas themselves up. Like the 'omfg this sm better than f1!!' all the time from like indy fans and drivers is kinda cringe and desperate to me like. Let the product speak for itself bro relax. tbh f1 isnt even about actual racing half the time which is why u got somebody like max verstappen who worked his whole life to get to f1 and win the wdc is now like 41 wins into it like umm I wanna do something else lmfao

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, i wanted to get any kind of input or opinion because i think theres something really wrong with me. ive always been obsessed with labels and terms to identify myself, always switching them around and finding a new one regularly to base myself off of. right now at least i have no actual sense of identity and its very possible i could just be reaching because i tend to do that a lot but i dont remember a time where i genuinely had a hold on who i was, aside from when i had a really unhealthy obsession with one singular person for about 2 years. my entire life and mental state revolved around them during that time and to be honest, even though we arent on speaking terms anymore, still seeing them on socials messes me up pretty often.

anyway, the main issue is that i dont really know who i am or who i even want to be. i cant even really keep a name/nickname to go buy for longer than a few months only because i know it inconveniences the people around me (however few there are now). and thats another thing! im really iffy about making connections with people now because a lot about it makes me uncomfortable, like the responsibility and having to deal with another person all the time. i know that sounds really shitty, but i feel like i spent all my love ill ever have on that one person for two years and now that its gone, its never coming back. im still very lonely now but the thought of trying to fix that is really uncomfortable to me. its not that im incapable of making friends, its that after a while ill kind of get tired of them? something about consistency makes me restless and i know its shitty because im a really up and down kind of friend, like recently ive only been talking to people when i feel like it, which is one big reason i dont want to make friends and put people through that.

back to the labels and identity thing. its always kind of been there, but recently the urge to cling to some sort of label or answer for my behavior and thoughts and feelings has been so strong that i almost wish i was genuinely delusional or something. or just that something was seriously wrong with me, just so that i have something new and big to cling to. i know thats bad and unhealthy but i dont know how else to function. ive been thinking recently that i have a lot of narcissistic traits, or at least self centered tendencies. i always operate like im the main character. i always do things with the thought in mind that there will be no negative outcomes for me, and if there so happens to be one, then ill somehow weasel my way out of it. i think that everything will always go well for me, which is weird because it very much has not in the past. a lot of bad things have happened to me, but in a weird fucked up kind of way im glad they did. because now i have some sort of trauma to cling to and roll into my identity. but the flaw in that is that i need a new one every so often. i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely dont know who i am. and thats why i think somethings wrong with me. because what normal person thinks and operates like this? i dont know if i fully described the reality of my situation, or if im just saying that because i want it to seem worse, but thats about it. sorry for the long ask. i hope you can get around to answering

Hi anon,

I think to some degree its okay to like labels, as they can provide us a sense of structure and being able to name things can give a lot of people comfort. It's also okay to change your identity, as identities are fluid and naturally change over time. You're allowed to change your identity as many times as you want because it's literally yours to dictate, you know?

However, there are many different possibilities as to why you may be experiencing this frequent shift in identity. While I can help explain what these possibilites might be, it is crucial to consult with a mental health professional for an accurate assessment and diagnosis.

One of the possibilities is that you could have some narcissistic tendencies, as from my understanding of NPD, it's about basically trying to regain control of feeling worthless or helpless by constructing a reality of grandiosity that can be incredibly fragile (please correct me if I'm wrong).

Also in the realm of personality disorders, the idea of having "identity disturbance" and "unhealthy obsessions" with someone is characteristic of BPD. Identity disturbance, also sometimes called identity diffusion, is described as an "incoherence, or inconsistency in a person's sense of identity. This could mean that a person's goals, beliefs, and actions are constantly changing. It could also be that the person takes on personality traits of people around them, as they struggle to have and maintain their own identity." Of course, you can experience identity disturbance without BPD, but it's still a common experience among pwBPD.

Another possibility is tired to when you said "i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely don't know who i am" as it reminded me of how a system might experience their identity, especially if they don't realize they're a system. This is not me saying you're definitely a system, but the possibility of plurality could be something to explore further as well.

Ultimately, this could be something to explore further with the guidance and mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, who can work with you to identify more concretely why you may be experiencing these things. They can also help you navigate these feelings and provide guidance tailored to your specific needs.

It's important to practice self-care and be gentle with yourself as you navigate your identity. Please know that it's okay to take your time and embrace the journey of self-discovery. If anyone has any additional insights or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[squirmydonnie]

Vent: CW: unreality

I'm just very upset lately. Very angry.

I don't want to do any of the things that I've done for my whole life.

And I guess that's because I've done them for my whole life but it feels weird.

Nothing feels the way that it did. Everything is wrong and weird.

Nothing feels the same or different.

Everyone I know I don't know anymore.

Everything I do isn't the same anymore.

Most things I do make me upset.

Not really that they've become unenjoyable.

Because the things that I'm talking about aren't enjoyable things. They are things that usually bother me or make me sad. But now it makes me sad and then angry.

I'm more upset most of the time.

Not enjoying things.

I'm just mostly upset all the time.

I've been shaking this whole time writing this. Not out of anger.

I just have so much anxiety.

Nothing feels right at all. I'm just waiting for it to be over.

But I've been waiting for so long.

That most things just feel like me waiting. Waiting for it to be over.

I know how long I have. But it's become pretty tiresome.

I'd really like for time to just speed up.

It doesn't help that this is the boring and uninteresting I've ever felt.

My friends and family are gone.

I don't have them. So I miss them. But do I really?

What I'm really missing is everything they gave me.

But if that was all just me, I've just been alone this whole time.

I don't have my friends or family.

I don't even have myself anymore.

before coming into "real contact" with my daydreams, I only ever talked with Cookie 12.

We could short conversations with each other.

He didn't really know who or what I exactly was. It sometimes seemed like he didn't really know where he was.

We were like on a white piece of paper. White screen. White walls.

I enjoyed talking with another version of me. And of course I did.

I've always done this. Making stories about myself and changing my name in them even though it was clearly me.

I like putting myself into stories. I like thinking of myself in a very vague way.

But once I'm unable to do that, I don't know "what I are".

I don't know what I'm doing. Its extremely lost. Theres nothing I can do.

Theres nothing I can look up and find for this.

I find this problem often. So much that i don't like it when something is like me. Or if it relates to me. And don't like clones.

Or people who I sometimes see as my clones due to my similarity to me.

I've since had less problem with this. But. I really do like clones. When I can tell its me.

I like Cookie 12 and BC.

I miss having BC.

Earlier this week I wanted BC to brush me.

I don't know how to explain this, but I was in class and something was wrong with my back.

So I wanted her to brush it with a brush?. But she can't because shes gone.

So it was just me in the white room being brushed by nothing. Like the brush is floating and brushing me but no one is there but me.

Cookie 12 isn't gone, but I know he doesn't want to talk to me. Xe used to be okay with it. But now that he knows I'm the one who's been doing all this stuff to him. He obviously doesn't want to be around me.

I used to take Mama from him and just have her in my room.

If I didn't take things so seriously and at face value I wouldn't have this kind of problem.

And I'm specifically talking about things that can be considered imaginary or fake.

These kind of things I take as real.

And when it's not that. Its serious subject that everyone else takes as a joke.

And this seriously effects me. Its hurts me so much I can't move on from it.

I'm hurt by these things and I can't handle it.

I hate so many jokes and I find nothing funny a lot of the time, despite how humorous I am.

It's all just very confusing.

It's the first time I've been human I guess.

Everything's is just wrong now.

[thisdreamplace]

Hi dream. it’s 😵‍💫 anon. always a joy to look at your page. honestly, life has been sucking as usual. opportunities have arose, but nothing came of it. I actually felt worse after the opportunities. sometimes it feels like there is no hope. the hardest thing is seeing someone I care for be sad like I am. now I’m trying to manifest for her as well. it’s like you can’t escape what makes you feel terrible. ugh. even though I’m down, I don’t want this person to feel the same as me but I can’t do anything for either of us. I just remember a time of crying and then being okay because of possibility but sadly, possibility isn’t enough anymore. seeing this person hurt kind of drilled it in me that I’m here….and I don’t know a way out seriously. I’m sorry for the negativity. I’m always trauma dumping here like a fucking dumbass. the only time I feel open is when I let it all out, but a part of me feels sucky for doing so here. I hope it’s not too much, dream.

I’m just babbling but I went black friday shopping. I kind of found out that I have been buying shit for a second of relief. I get happy that I have something to look forward to. is it retail therapy?? I bought some skincare products so hopefully they work out. for some reason, every time I do skincare, everything just sits there on top of my skin or it burns. like damn 💀

this entire message seems like I roller coaster like you started off sad and then straight into skincare lol? I guess I feel lighter after releasing my words. right now I’m about to go stuff my entire face with leftover Thanksgiving food. happy Thanksgiving btw if you celebrate it. if you do celebrate it, did you do anything? any black friday shopping? it’s really hard not to fall victim to sales 🥲🤣

hiiiii my lovely 😵‍💫 anon <3

its never too much, so don't worry. it saddens me to read how you've been feeling though, especially in regards to your friend. its lovely you want to help them, but truly, you deserved to be help first in your life. you've gotta make sure you're good, then you're best able to help others too.

dont feel too bad about shopping like that. literally, a lot of us has been there. i literally had a shopping addiction a couple of years ago, without realizing it. luckily, i was able to get out of it. hahah so really, its just one of them things sometimes. lol theres nothing wrong w a lil retail therapy though, i mean why not treat yourself ? i hope the skincare works out <3 any product recs ??

and thank you <3 i hope you had a great thanksgiving !! i just spent the time with friends and family, and actually had one of the best thanksgivings i've had in a while hehe and i made a new friend ! i did go black friday shopping, but i mainly shopped deals online which have ~finally~ started arriving recently and i love them sm. youre so right tho, but i was like hey i could def use some things and the deals truly were irresistable in that moment LOL

anyway, i hope youre feeling better now and im glad youre able to come here and vent, and leave yourself feeling lighter in that moment ! <3

xoxo

[magnoliamyrrh]

this is about the convo earlier with being molested by family members..i'm also balkan and i grew up with my grandparents but especially my grandpa inappropriately touching my chest and when i tried to tell my mom, older sis and aunt they all dismissed it as 'ehh he probably didn't mean to/his hand slipped'. i didn't wanna insist and look crazy because i do love my grandpa and he was the only parental figure i had in my life growing up, but at the same time...he did do that. idk if he thought it was normal or what but i think about it often. i can't bring it up with my family again because they'll just ignore it (especially now that he's dead). it's weird to think about how loving and nice he was when he was also doing shit like that from time to time. idk where i'm going with this but yeah. i don't think of myself as someone who was molested as a kid but this shit is definitely normalized. i've seen it in other families where they'd constantly touch and talk about their little boy's genitals... it's so fucked up

it really is fucked up, and its fucked up to realize that so many of us grew up w this.... for a long time i thought this was a me issue not a cultural one - and all the silence and shame around it certainly didnt help w that.... its been fucking weird to think abt the last couple of days since i asked on here abt it. like.. weve really made this SO normal and common huh?? that going against it is outright dismissed or even punished??? i cant help but just keep wondering where the fuck it all went so wrong and how we got here - and whats so wrong that things like this havent been accepted only in the balkans but elsewhere. what. what is wrong with this species. incest is one of the only universal taboos among humans, and most other mammals also have an aversion to it. and yet. we have normalized an abnormal amount of it nontheless over and over again .....? uuuff

im sorry you went through that, and im sorry they didn't take it seriously and listen more to you. thats something that always hurts in particular. discomfort/repulsion is a normal reaction to have and youd expect at least the other women in ur family to care or understand it too, and its rly fucked up when they just... dismiss it or minimize it or make you feel guilty for it or like its your issue or hell do it themselves.. i figure for a lot of them, if theyd accept that what youre saying is bad, itd mean theyd have to accept that things they went through themselves was bad, and they dont wanna do that. so they dont do either.. im sorry that u cant speak abt it and i totally get how him being dead would make it all much harder. in my family at least we v much have a "dont speak ill of the dead" sorta thing, or just excusing the actions of particularly men after they did sorta thing......i still haven't told my family just about anything. any time i ever tried to bring up anything as a kid id get dismissed and ignored at best or be punished or degraded and humiliated at worst so.... learned my lesson on that one but. thank u for sending this, i hate to hear how many of us went through this but also its. nice to know that were not alone in this and that other ppl do get it

and i feel you. its a really confusing mess to try to make sense of how to feel abt ppl like that... be angry? be grossed out, be scared? be numb, be okay with it, pretend it didnt happen? excuse it, explain it away? .... and its just weird in the cases when it wasnt rly something particularly violent, or ""not that bad/bad enough"" ig or towes that line of being able to convince urself that maybe welll it could have been an accident. its weird to know how to feel abt them when they were seemingly ok ppl you cared abt and still do and who were nice other times. .. but also... did shit like this which end of the day just isnt ok. idk... i dont think theres rly a end or solution or one way to feel, i think.... its just kinda bound to be a cocktail of conflicting emotions... im still trying to figure out how to find some sort of. idk, potential resolution or peace w any of it but i haven't rly figured it out yet, i just keep turning it in my mind too

[aemiron-main]

I read your post about irl best friend...

It's absolutely beautiful how you describe him. It really shows that you see him as your light and just how much you love him.

I think you're afraid of your love for him. I think you're an over thinker, making up scenarios in your head of how he'll reject you. Not just your feelings for him but you as a person. The fear that you'll lose not just him but all those years of friendship as well. The once sweet memories will become bittersweet and you'll ask yourself: was it worth it?

Well, that's just the negative side.

The slightly negative, slightly positive side would be that he accepts who you are, but doesn't reciprocate those feelings. You'll either lose full contact or things would be more awkward than ever. He could tell you he always kinda knew about you though. With the way you explained things, it seems like he might've. In this scenario, your friendship could either grow stronger, yourself having gained an ally, or you might become more distant. More tense and awkward.

Best case scenario though, he did know and he's liked you back the entire time. Says "Yeah you were literally the only one that didn't know" and he asks you more questions about yourself. Questions he probably already had, but didn't think you had answers to. You have a whole moment and truly life begins for the both of you. Things might take a little getting used to. You're both talking more now, maybe not as much as before, but it's definitely more than the past few months. And maybe in this scenario you'd tell yourself; it was worth definitely it.

I could be completely wrong though. I could be giving you false hope. Or I could be giving you courage. It could take awhile to summon enough courage to tell him exactly what you want to tell him. And me being a sucker for happy endings, I truly hope you find yours, whether its with him or not. Remember you keep your head up, drink water and keep doing what makes you happy.

If you read this, thank you. I hope it helped.

If not, I sincerely apologize. ❤

ANON,,,, ITS SO FUNNY BC I GOT THIS ASK RIGHT AFTER I DELETED THAT POST (i have the writeup saved in a google doc) YOUR TIMING IS IMPECCABLE AND I APPRECIATE THIS SO MUCH SERIOUSLY THERES NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE!!! This is such an absolutely wonderful and kind message and I appreciate it SO, SO MUCH!! God you're making me emotional. I think you're spot-on here, I'm 10000% an over-thinker and I have absolutely made up about a million scenarios about how a rejection would go, and you're exactly right that it's about fear of him rejecting me as a person and losing that friendship, you've read me like a book LMAO.

The way that you've laid all of this out is deeply insightful and reassuring and again, very appreciated. Especially going into both the positives and the negatives, and how things could go badly, it could become more distant, but it could also go well! And especially about him asking questions, because THAT'S something i never really considered, because we've grown up so much together that it always felt like we knew eachother completely but it feels now like there's parts we've been missing and that answering questions could change that.

"You have a whole moment and truly life begins for the both of you. Things might take a little getting used to. You're both talking more now, maybe not as much as before, but it's definitely more than the past few months. And maybe in this scenario you'd tell yourself; it was definitely worth it." AHHHHHHHHHHHH ANON THAT PART REALLY GOT ME I MEAN ALL OF THIS GOT ME IM HALF AWAKE RN SO IM SORRY IF MY RESPONSE SEEMS AWKWARD I JUST DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO REPLY TO SUCH A KIND AND WELL THOUGHT OUT MESSAGE ABOUT MY POST!! Thank you so much for the wonderful message, anon!!! I hope you find your happy ending too, and all the same goes for you!! :DDD

[themindelectricdemo4]

ok actually on another post i just remembered that manipulation is literally conscious (like u dont have tpo be "yessss. i am going to manipulative on purpose." cuz most people dont think that. but like if its a guilt trip & u want someone to feel guilty on purpose then thats manipulation cuz itd like yeah youre consciously wanting them to feel guilty thats manipulation. even if youre not like actively thnking it

i think ive def manipulated before w/o a doubt esp with guilt tripping but ironically i think im also been gaslit into what my own thoughts have been because seriously i dont even know what ive been thinking before because its so messed up & strewn in my head.

people try to literally change my intent when i knew what my intent was. & intent & impact are not the same thing. but the intent isnt changed by the impact. ok like really basic like ok intent is to make someone happy but it makes someone sad. it doesnt mean the intention changes into an attempt to make that person sad even though they became sad. & thats ok that means there was a misalign in the communication there & u have to figure out where the message went wrong (like word choice, setting, situation, mood, tone, etc. it goes on.) but ive literally known at the time my intention but ive had people actively tell me my intention is incorrect. like. what. intention & impact are super personal & are unwavering regardless but both matter. like intent is personal but impact is personal too cuz its like, ok lets say i made a joke about something in an attempt to make someone happy but it reminded them of like...idk...how their mom used to make the same joke idk & their mom passed away super random but its personal!! & no one knew the impact until it happened (but like yeah you can study how things lead to the same impact like every time. like passive aggressiveness. ok well u intended to say smth useful but it was passive aggressive so the impact was negative right then thats the problem in delivery.)

but like tellign someone their intent was off is like.......& same with impact. the "sorry u felt that way " kinda beat its like...u cant tell someone how they were impacted or how an intent was but the problem lies inbetween the message like i said word choice, setting, etc. the "noise" so to say. but when i have my intention told its something different over & over it makes me queston everything. when all that needed to be said was "hey the way you said this comes across as this, so even though your intention may be _ the way you do so & so makes it comes across as _" like can people just act like adults for real for once & not communicate in their head only like. thinking im a mind readeror anyone is for that matter, but also like, sayng things in a direct manner instead of beating around the bush. like its ok if it works for ppl but it doesnt work for me!! & if it doesnt work for either & thats ok!! we dont have to talk!! but if the problem is communication misalignment people dont have to gaslight. good god

ok another random nonsensical ramble it makes sense in my head it doesnt on paper. im like...uber autistic about all dis...& i dony even think i use it perfectly in practice either DEF not .... jeez omg ive def been more indirect than i wanted to be a lot but i wanna get better at it...

isnt that the goal in life to always strive to be better or whatever if something was perfect there woulnt be anything to keep going for so at that point u would just be like ok theres nothing more that awaiits me than death itself.

then ill b told im arguing semantics or something guys i cant win (no one can its umm the game of life or something :nerd emoji

[ferrn0]

REGARDING POSTING

heads up / TW: this looks at personal stuff + vent(? sorta) ALSO this is not super important / not essential for you to read

TL;DR:

less posting due to massive lack of motivation

want to post more and take art serious but its hard

could be depression or hormones idk dont know what to do

overthinking lots -> dont know why this is happening

crave regular change but havent had it + difficult to get change bc of parents -> maybe this is why??

going to try my best not to stress abt it

do not worry about me, im going to be okay

i havent been posting much proper/ finished/ full art ( not sketches ) because ive been really struggling with motivation this year. For all i know, it could be a depression(?) thing or perhaps hormones ( i have a uterus unfortunately) or maybe it just comes down to ADHD.. i do take medication for adhd but they dont really do much regarding dopamine so my motivation is still kinda low even when i take the meds. I really want to be posting proper art and i want to take my art more seriously however, without motivation its really difficult. Im finding myslef slipping back into what feels like a depressive mindset. kind of. yet, im super happy in so many aspects of my life where i used to be affected by this mindset. I have found a better group of people to be around ive found more things i want to do and ive got goals for the year- i didnt have those this time last year. And now.. my creativity has been affected and i dont know what to do.

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I feel guilty for not posting. Or maybe i feel frustrated that i dont post (which leaves me with noone seeing my work). Either way, i want to post. but i cant get myself to.

this leaves me thinking...

"maybe i just need to improve my skills"

"maybe im not putting enpugh effort in, what if im just not 'trust(ing) the process' enough"

"i might need to just try a new medium"

"maybe i need a new intrest or fandom to join so i can make fanart"

"what if i was just qrong my whole life and im not cut out to be an artist?"

"perhaps theres something else wrong with me and thats why i cant get myself to do things"

And this circles round and round. So what do i do about it?? should i just take a break and not focus on posting? but i already do that anyway! do i just try to do a month long or a week long challenge? but i always miss days and eventually give up!

The more i write about this the more i realise i am not okay. and that im getting worked up over a small thing. but i am miniscule and to me this small thing is ginormous.

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i am a kind of person who craves change. but only when i want it. And i have gone a very long time without the kind of change i need in my immediate environment. so maybe thats the issue. but i happen to be a child. who lives with his parents. so that causes some problems, dont it? not that my parents are horrible people or incredibly unfair. but because they have their own ideas of how we (me and my brothers) should grow up and what sort of privileges we get ect. because they are my parents. My parents believe that we should each have atleast one physical out-of-school activity we do each week. I do basketball. and i have been since i was in grade 5. its been almost 5 years. dont get me wrong, i love the game and i love playing it. but i find myself dreading going to each game everyweek. i need change. i want to quit bball. i also do drama classes each week(since yr 6/7)- but i like that. and i dont want to quit. because its different every week, every year. My bedroom has also been that same for the past 3 or so years, yes i have moved things around, but the furniture hasnt changed, and the walls have been the same colour with the same wall stickers since we moved in when i was in year 1. I spend a lot of time in here(my room) and it doesnt feel like mine anymore.

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TW- eating

my medication for ADHD gives me a smaller to no appetite during the day. I no longer bring much or anything to school to eat. i dont really eat breakfast either(but i did that before i got meds anyway). I still eat dinner everyday, just a little less that i used to. and i will eat lunch (depending on situation) during the holidays and weekends mostly because it ends up getting made dor me half the time. i do suspect the rather sudden change un my eating habbits might be affecting me. but nothing terrible has happened to me yet(i have lost a few kgs but that isnt worrying as i was a little overweight beforehand). perhaps this is affecting my motivation too. but who i am to know for sure?.

END OF TW

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i think i will just continue as i have been. but i will try my best to not worry myself over not posting. although i cannot make any garantees. not many people follow or interact with me here so i doubt this will cause too many concerns but if it does, please do not worry. i will be okay. i am working on myself.

I apologise to those who want/wanted to see my work more/more often. i hope this all makes sense and that you can understand ♡

with sillies,

thomas[FERRN0]

[doebt]

sorry for my copious angstposting lately i just feel like my life is falling apart so bad

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

vent post, .. putting it under readmore cus its long.

sooo yeah, basically, idk waht to do with my life, and i feel like a burden in the sense that i cant provide for myself rn. i never talk about my living situation but i am almost 29 yrs old, unemployed and having to be supported by my friends cus my family is too poor to help me in any way. like i have to live with my friend’s parents which somehow feels even more pathetic than living w my own parents.. i mean ofc i am very grateful to them for helping me but the guilt racks up more n more each day. when i was 14 my mom told me, ok you’re old enough to work now so you have to get a job if you want literally anything for yourself that isn’t the bare essentials. u want anything other than canned soup for dinner? thats on u. so i got a job, at 14!!! i think back now and im like what the fuck. i was a child... but alas. i worked and worked, i was almost never unemployed my whole life after age 14, except for during 2020 pandemic, and these past few months.

work, work, work, i worked so many piece of shit jobs, i never went to school or anything, there were a few good jobs here n there but they’d always end up getting sabotaged by one of my bipolar episodes. a lot of times, when i was rly desperate, i wld resort to escorting, which i just fucking hated and have been put in a lot of compromising situations and ugh. yeah, what im GETTING at is, ive literally never had security in my life, ive never had resources, the past 15 or so years have been lived in survival mode, and 6 months ago i finally fucking crashed and burned. like, no, i fucking refuse to work anymore, im suicidal all the time, ive never been able to heal from anything that’s happend to me, i dont care if i die broke and alone, i just cant work these demeaning ass jobs anymore. im very grateful to my friedns who have been helping me not die since then, i try rly hard to live frugally, i only eat what i rly need, rarely treat myslef, etc etc.

but now its like, where do i go from here? i know i need to start thinking about generating income again and it makes me so fucking sick. all i can rly do is commissions, but i hate putting a price on art, its only fun to me when im doing it for free. i dont want it to stop being fun. i dont want it to be about money. im scared to try i guess. i definitely dont want to work another stupid job but i also just sit in the house all day and it feels unhealthy. i dont want to meet people, i dont want coworkers, hate putting myself out there cus i cant relate to anyone. hate watching them in real time slowly realize that theres something seriously wrong with me, its embarrassing. i just need something to do.. i dont have a car or anything, i dont even know how to drive because i always figured id be too poor to afford a car. and so far ive been correct about that.

i guess this post is pretty embarrassing too but oh well.. i figure at least on here some ppl can relate.. like fuck i cant even get a therapist to respond to me. everyone just keeps begging me to get therapy as if it will save me. im really lonely w all my feelings and memories. i feel like im in purgatory and all i can do is keep drawing pictures for ppl to enjoy and trying to post things that are uplifting so i can at least make someone elses day a little brighter. but i wish i had a plan or an answer or a real goal. i reallty really really want to be nothing.