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misterbitches · 3 years

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@flootweed

ATOTS

That's super fucking romantic? Like tragic but in a nice way. i love that shit. i'm a monogamous slut for romance pghiosuag even tho we have to learn to live alone too but it's just like the NOTION is nice?!??! awwww i told my mom that SOPHIE's gf was like "she died taking a picture of the moon" and how it was like idk. the gf was just processing it and she thought it was romantic and my mom was like "wow.....depressing" bc think she thought it was stupid millenial shit i was like no mother doent u see she died in the BEAUTY LMAO but then i told her jessica walter's husband died the year before and then she died and she was like "aw...kind of romantic" LMAOOOO i guess two people have to die. why did i tell this story? i am so sorry. the show ended today right (ep 10?) i didn't realize it was that short. so i hope it was a happy ending? (tell me) i understand why you love the atmos! it's like, not really been done. there's this BL that i hear isn't too great but it does take place in a rural part of thailand and there's way less budget. a lot of ppl seem to like it. ep 6 LW / LW in gen gotta be honest, rushed through it. i knew spoilers from jump cause BL spoilers are just absolutely nothing and sometimes ur just like i need to know. i do not understand the ~silently lookin 4 u~ trope it always backfires and is also DUMB. so happy about tiffy. a girl who likes girls but ends up with a man bc of mommy and also the man is ok....it's me. she's gorgeous and actually [h*lf] gay so it's great. god ok i feel so old again. lmaooo but i was like obsessed with lady gaga for that reason (dont ask...also how i got kinda popular on tumblr way back in the day) and shes just absolutely fucking beautiful and bad ass. (which kind of doesnt helpcos they r all skinnty but that's FINEEEE) right? i mean like i guess cos we knew abt it? i can see why he was so pissed off, too? i mean i'm so fucking like...sensitive to being told what to do so i was angry for him from jump. i guess i was also looking at it different wholetime cos i knew the spoilers? i'm assuming u did too lmao. so we knew hed be pissed and leave. and frankly that's what sib gets. just for you my friend i will watch it and update. i think MANY times in shows in gen but it is something you notice a lot in BL bc they are just absolute novices most times. in this case, gene's actor mostly well (and i like him as a person just cos he was on that thai 3 girls in a car show and used to date on eof them lmao) can act so i will look over that scene to see how sib's actor plays off him. but the pausing in between sentences or for so long even decent actors or actors doing better. kao is not bad, not great so they will talk slowly because dramatic acting but the problem is most times it's too long. even if the person is an adept actor it won't always work and YES THEN THAT MEANS THE EDITOR COMES IN AND SNIP SNIP SNIP! it's too long. and sometimes it just does not work even if you can act. but it is GLARING when they cant or are average (someoe said this about tharntype and my god lmao tharn..is...so...slow...in...talking...the actor idk his name it's one of em, the other one with the nose (type) is....different not better but he certainly does not talk as slow. they arent bad but they are not good so.) also sometimes they are forgetting their lines. some ppl find this charming. clearly we do not lmao. what is their relation? what is going on there? i don't have a problem with stepbrothers as long as they didn't grow up with that sibling bond. many times blended families really have to watch out for that kind of fraternizing but it's always when theyre older and teenagers bc they didnt grow up w/ each other....i mean they have chemistry so i'm whatever. but. hennYYWAYYYS.actually it's bc im an idiot i didn't read it as Mhok (singular) and aey's father. Yes and his sister who i think i may hate? im like bitch okkkkkk but. his name is lhong. and he is a psycho. i mean so is type. so. oooh it could be that he stole! but also i'm pretty sure cos hes gay lol or did they

not make that explicit? the thing is i had to skip through most of that scene too because the drama was WAY too much for me. too much. lmao. the sister thing i got and it made sense and iliked that. oh yea he is gay and they know. that's a big one.

WBL

haven’t watched color rush! did you like it? i have seen wyel, parts of mr heart, and ofc to my star :)

ohhhhhh ok. i get you. yea he definitely wasn’t being ooc cos i think that....what u said. and also like....ugh i cant even think rn. i like sam lin a lot so i like gao shi de but i gotta say. lmao. hm. first of all. yes it is creepy what he did. it’s fucking weird. and sad that his whole life revolves around him. it’s not as fucking weird as LW but still like when he did the door thing. i was like UMMMMMMMMM cos i really didnt want it to be constructed. and when it was i was like imma suspend my disbelief. but if anyone dared...

and so what he did in s2 i think he just couldnt realize that he was loved back which is why it’s good he WAS ALONE for 5 yrs imo. but he gave shu yi 0 choice and for that i am pretty sure i would be even angrier. i do think though that the father’s role is pretty important but i can see how the show is like....letting that go? bc as fucking weird as GSD is, he was still like...20? i guess and shu yi’s dad is like. crazy? i am also like he really had to fucking start a company to get noticed like are u joking? is it also that easy? and also why? lmao i just. ugh. i think that probs bothered me the most...priorities.

i like the show! well idk if i love it but sure. i think it’s decent lmao. i understand what you’re saying. for here it bothers me less but i certainly don’t think it was OOC. immature and stupid but like...that’s.....what they are. i also don’t have a problm with the timing from a technical point.

however, when i started the show? i had NO clue what concept of time it was. and that was very annoying. tehy redeemed it bc of the comedy aspects (the first time shu yi sees shi de is so fucking good, i really loved the shot and editing; it’s hilarious and silly) and i started to go with the flow of the show through that. but the fucking concept of time in the show in general esp with repetitive outfits (i understand that they are more likely to wear multiple outfits as well, it’s just that you have to split it up or it i sconfusing visually and looks like the same scene twice or just a full day of shooting which it could be but then something should change in the clothes. this is just an ex~~*~*) and partof that is they have this already controlled narrative i guess.

i have to admit as well...i skipped episode 1. and most of 2. i was like i rly dont want to see someone slap a pereson even if they were like. not together. it’s just not cute also not in front of ppl. and then when they were yelling and bla bla i was like listen ladies lets calm down. too much angst in a boring way. what they have now is good. also they should probably like estrange the father but i doubt they will.

i cannot make up my mind totally now bc i see what ur saying i guess i just don’t feel that way as much but i guess i have to think about it more, too. i do think he was contorlling in getting him or like when he didnt want shu yi to find out whwatshisface liked him. i guess for me it would be if he is still that way in the rship. but even tho he’s at fault for what happened, i’m also like but his dad? but also like...did he try? why did he just stop contacting? but then i guess he emailed everyday? DO U C MY QUANDARY.

alsoi have to say i do not care abt their backdoor being opened lmao like wow business? no thanks

LMAO. did they cry a lot in UWMA? i only know the teamwin parts. which one is fluke the really pale one who died? idk what it is about that kid but i just cant watch him. it’s not his fault it’s mine.

DUDE i still dont understand the husband and wife thing and ive looked into it multiple times. ive kinda just classified it as one of those things that make me uncomfortable but arent problematic lol. it you have any insight about it id love to hear it tho !!

it’s stupid. that’s what it is (husband and wife.) it’s just something they say like many gay couples may use pejoratives in conjunction with them, the f word etc. or even imply something about being a top and a bottom. whatever. but these arent gay spaces or gay storylines. sure gay men may direct them but since BL operates and relies on patriarchy without a doubt and also stereotypes poorly kathoeys or won’t cast trans women in anything substantial and use them as jokes (and see this is one of those things where it’s like...ud never see this in the US tho like our concept of third gender or kathoeys but life stillBOOOOO.) so it’s just useless when they put it into the scripts because it’s for people to consume and lots of girls are. obviously. so the idea that if you are being penetrated and u r the wife and this is used like literally anywhere but not from gay or whatever men is gross. are cis women’s vaginas sieves to them? are trans women not women? do we have to categorize people by PHALLIC OBJECTS IN OUR BODIES SPECIFICALLY A WOMAN? it dont make no sense. plus really most ppl just experiment, there’s more ways than one to have sex, we have lives so most times it’s not just full penetration for hours anyway. it’s just so gross. like oh that’s really funny lol ur the wife cos his dick goes in ur butt XD i get it, same. i say “i’m wife’ whenever there’s a penis in me. fucking kill me. it’s not a big deal but it’s just dumb and gross. if they use it they could try and subvert it too like i like how my engineer has a whole absurdly stupid episode about it. but in TT the dad says “if ur the wife i wont accept it” and i was like u know what gals? im good. goodbye.

pgojaihousgajigko THAT’S SOOOOOOO OOWIEOFUGHOIJ WEIRD. FANDOM IS REALLY WEIRD. i have read rpf and written it once upon a time but dont do it anymore uch. i mean it’s weird. no doubt about that. invasive, weird, strange. but very unreal anyway. it is. plus i dont like celebs or fame and think of it as a gross capitalist scheme so i had to stop (also so weird?) but i know very many people like lean in. lean in. LEAN IN. this youtuber i watch did a video on like insanely popular ships (like that 1d one) and their insane fandoms and i just couldnt. it’s so embarrassing? and then they’re so bold????? about it?

yea it would be cool (more queer men or visibly we should say or like out whatever.) but it doesnt necessarily mean that will be good or beneficial i guess? i mean like. i dont know. so much about the genre is about wish fulfilment for young girls. its literally selling some fantasies because the other thing is for BL (i read a paper on this...) esp for girls in more conservative societies they cna maybe replace themselves in the character? but they may not feel a threat as a woman or like their life will fall apart if they engage in sexual things with anyone really. and that’s where i’m like....for a lot of these are they just writing a story and just replacing two men? bc they also seem to think it owrks like that. and in a way that’s what it is bc of the writing and how they use certain terms. you can tell the piece is about pushing a product and less about the real affects of a story. i think ITSAY is a great example of a really intelligent great piece of work that contains multitudes. and the girl was amazing. it just depends on the goal. and for most of the ppl the goal isnt...to do anything. so i dont know. idk how to talk abt representation anymore. it both is and isnt.

i really liked tingting from my engineer a lot (idk if u have seen) she’s so fun and unapologetic. i love how much she drinks and if someone tells her to be ladylike she says no. and i appreciate that in the show when girls were rude to her she said nothing about the girls but said “NO IM NOT LUCKY TO HAVE ALL MALE FRIENDS?” i really want to see her more in the next season. obviously tiffy is goat. super excited to see how their rship develops.

#we best love #lovely writer #we best love fighting mr 2nd

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chelsanitys · 7 years

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anon post

for all 3 of my fans

i live for ur wit and sass

thx n same

Dont fuck with the best! Kate works hard to get the craziest anons to post in her yard, and I've got nothing but respect. There's no fan in the fandom as genuine and earnest as she is. Wishing her and her cats a long and healthy life!

lmao yall need to quit

you've probably answered this already but what do you think will give vm the best shot at the OG?

a good short dance + a good free dance + gui missing the catch-foot on his twizzle again

Are you taking the bar exam this summer?

no i just finished my first yr

I will cry if T&S end up together, They would be a horrible match. Surely I'm not the only one who sees this??

i am ashamed that this is the level of trollin i get. step up ur game!!

"i hope tessa marries semple so i can see all the shippers cry tbh" Poor Alex! Marrying him would probably restore his self confidence and prompt a return to the cfl! Still holding out hope!

honestly alex was the hottest of all her bfs. fedor is balding, has a dad bod n is wearing khakis on the beach now. and semple was always fug. also rl talk i didnt know canada had its own football league until this guy came around. thats so cute for canada

"i hope tessa marries semple so i can see all the shippers cry tbh" I want her with the Bitove guy. His family looks like the type that will post tons about them on sm afterward.

lmao yall know his grandfather started the toronto raptors?? i knew this brodie’s last name sounded familiar. also apparenty he and his fam golf at trump’s resort @ mar-a-lago VOM. tessa is 500% going to end up with a smarmy, filthy rich trust fund kid like him like its not even a question

Hey now. I want shippers to get overthemselves, too, but Tessa marrying Semple, god no. Basically, Tessa, open your eyes and save yourself.

lol i actually wish she was still dating him so all this mindless speculation rn would stop

Bitter and hateful is what I come here for. Anons should just fuck off and go to the Disney website if that's what they want.

vm fans are so damn soft n sensitive about everything lol, i rly wish some of yall would stop taking everything i say so seriously

Please come back, without your snark the fandom is controlled by the most delusional shippers.

i’ll post more when there r actually things 2 talk about. being around here when nothing is happening and ur all screaming into a vacuum about the same things over and over is like being institutionalized in a loony bin

why are you always up so late?

nhf for this east coast bias, it is a perfectly reasonable time in california

Which of the current/rising juniors do you see making tbe most impact next quad?

carreira/ponomarenko are going to win a olympic medal in 2022. even if the shibs, h/d and bock don’t retire, i see them easily rising through the pack - they just have the Look and aren’t without talent. i’m iffy on the rest - mcnamara/carpenter are too creepy and weird, parsons have no height difference and are siblings, both are coached by an unproven staff, everyone else are varying levels of mediocre. hawayek/baker will go to worlds 2018 if they’re lucky and prob never again if no one else retires.

i wouldn't take h/d's music choices as an indicator of what vm will have. they are the c team and vm are the a team in that camp. look at last season... h/d got stuck with marie-france's lame ass idea of the evolution of music and vm got prince.

true..... altho i think personal taste is important too. tessa would die b4 she ever approved an ‘evolution of dance’ sd

I want Tessa to steal Fedor back from Meryl. All that drama would be hilarious. Fedor lost his looks and is butt ugly now so he is exactly Tessa's type, even more so than in 2009.

i nvr thought he was that cute but he literally looks like he goes door to door selling pool cleaner now

I noticed that when Tessa shakes hands or kisses someone on the cheek (like during medal ceremony or interviews) Scott often puts a hand on her lower back even though there had not been any physical contact between the two of them before said handshake or kiss. It just always surprises me and I'm not sure I understand why he'd do this. What's your take on it ?

lmao ik u want me 2 say its bc his subconscious is screaming out in jealousy and he wants to covertly claim her and show the world she still belongs to him but i rly think they r just touchy ppl who like to touch. or hes makin sure she doesnt lose balance and fall off the podium as she’s leanin over

moulin rouge would've been a much cooler choice in 11/12 for their musical fd instead of funny face, but i don't see them doing it for their olympic fd. it's a bit tacky and overdone. i figure they'd want to do something that's a little bit more special and unique then that.

ia it wouldnt have been a bad filler fd for an off year. i just dont see it doing it for their Last Ever and for the olympics. its such a warhorse - what could they possibly say with it thats original? and its such a character piece - they r such overly emo, earnest ppl, i dont think they’d want to do something that different from themselves for their Last Ever.

huh what, vm don't stand a chance against moonlight sonata?? Pls... that would be a flop, such an overused piece of music everywhere, it's like Für Elise - hearing the first notes of it makes me vomit in my mouth a little

ya bc no one’s ever won a gold medal skating to a warhorse before

it sounds more believable to me than vm and moulin rouge tho

What interpretation? PC will just float around. They can do that in any key and judges will eat it up.

true, gui gui is a demon

No way. The judges will think they're watching Gordeeva/Grinkov again and just hand the gold to them immediately.

remember when pc said they didnt even know who torvill and dean and g/g were lmao

If scott doesn't cut his disgusting gutter frat boy hair I'm renouncing my Canadian citizenship and moving 2 Peru

was legit lookin @ pics from autumn classic n skate canada and i cant believe how short his hair was then, i can not believe i was complainin so much. i am honestly such a whiny bitch lmao this is my punishment

i have mixed feelings because Prince is the best short dance of VM's career so far but then Latch was one of the worst lol. It dragged in a lot of areas, especially the middle, and it never felt complete. I don't hate it by any means but considering we only had 2 free dances left and that was one of them... :| so I'm torn between trusting MF, and then thinking she's one misguided song choice away from ruining VM's swan song.

the thought of mf picking out the music for vm’s last ever fd makes me kind of sad. like yall have no ideas? at all?? ur relying on instagram suggestions and mf’s adult lite fm spotify playlists for inspiration? im surprised n disappointed tbh, like they arent kids anymore, i thought they would take more ownership of their careers.

but idk we’ll see. whenever i complain a lot, i usually like their material later lol

why do i feel like vm are gonna come out in their sd with despacito... the justin bieber version...

ok who is this person who keeps sending me despacito questions?? you sound like you want it to happen more than anyone else and are trying to will it into existence

It's funny because Tessa is SO cautious about everything she/they say, that she comes off/is rehearsed--I don't understand why she cares so much. They are not politicians or even super famous. Plus most people who watch (excluding Tumblr fans bc they're all extra) watch during high times like Worlds and Olympics. Most people don't watch interviews and press conferences. If they do watch one, it's usually only the fun "game" interviews or the mainstream ones like etalk which they are not tons of

idk what this is in reference to but ok lol. it prob matters to her bc its her life and she cares bc its happening to her? just spitballin here

Oh no what has Max Trankov said I'm scared to know now. If he's a Trump fan I might have to #nopeout lol he’s russian and a male chauvinist pig. he once said he wouldnt do a quad with tati until she had a baby for him...”and then maybe we try”

still gonna stan his trash ass to the end of time tho

Speaking of bad music cuts I could not stand the way HD's music was cut this year. Like I like all the songs they used individually but it just felt so weirdly put together like the songs didn't flow well into the next. The only part I liked was the last part with earned it.

really? i thought earned it was the part that seemed completely out of step with the first 2 pieces of music. the transition was way off and the tempo was so much faster than the other 2

The Facebook q&a is the first time I felt vm are actually compatible enough to be a couple.

should’ve published this steaming hot take when u sent it a month ago bc i have no idea what this is in reference to now

what do you look like?

tired mostly

haha funny how we went from vm are in a relationship to they hate each other.

dont ‘we’ me bitch i have nothing to do with this fandom’s daily emotional yo-yo-ing

Can you explain the Tessa/Kaitlyn Weaver friendship? Are they really friends? Kaitlyn seems like the kind of girl Tessa would make fun of behind her back.

more like kaitlyn weaver is tracy flick and is trying to bring down everyone in her path tbh

I get a bit of a superiority, cold vibe with Tessa, don't you?

no but i dont have self esteem issues

I think people who find Tessa cold and snobby do not get her at all. Yes, she is far from perfect and her feminism is all (...) but to call her cold and unfeeling means you haven't been paying attention at all. Like get off her dick and/or stop following her career.

i dont think shes cold either. standoffish maybe, but i dont feel like thats from superiority or aloofness. some ppl just want to mind their own business and chill?? not everyone’s a chatty cathy like scott

Music stresses me out. The only thing I've gathered from all of the various discussions is they should be exciting but not too exciting because it's an Olympic season. But they shouldn't also be too safe. Like I know you have mentioned various choices that would be good but what would be in your mind the ideal program, both SD and FD. It's their third Olympics, so how do they build on the past while still being fresh but also them. Or do they just not and give the audience what they want?

something original thats not a warhorse but is also audience friendly and is instantly musically palatable to a lot of ppl

so basically mahler

Which songs from moulin rouge should they use?

if they were doing mr (which i doubt), the orchestral score is 500x better than the cheesy ass nonsense from the soundtrack. like come what may with nicole kidman’s tremulous bird vocals and ewan mcgregor literally straining not to pop a vein would almost be too dramatic and Too Much. i think that kind of thing only works for a v specific kitschy, performative kind of team (a la russians) and wouldnt vibe with vm’s super earnest approach at all. but the orchestral score is genuinely moving and effective in a less garish way

but i dont think they’re doing moulin rouge lol

"the movies honestly made it hard 4 me to interpret hermione’s undying loyalty and devotion to harry as anything other than latent sexual attraction tbh lmao" Hahaha, pretty much. Plus, the whole Harry and Ginny thing, even more so in the movies, seemed to come out of nowhere and was cliche as fuck.

is bonnie wright still acting? i’ve seen dead fish more alive than her on screen

LMAO someone posted a clip from VM's show when they were having dinner with WP and they were talking about how WP live together and they ask VM how they deal with one another and LOL I stg I started loling cause their reactions were #priceless. S literally just had a WTF look on his face while he said something hella awkward & T looked like she wanted to slap him. Her follow up that she doesn't think they could ever spend all their time together just cements why they'll never date for me.

lmao that whole scene is so stupid. kaitlyn n andrew r such good friends i swear

Thanks for setting that anon straight. Set some boundaries so that they don't egg on shippers?? WTF. They're fine with doing what they're doing, and if they're dating others, those others are obviously fine with it too. Besides, it's not like they're filming porn or something. If you can't handle it, stop watching them.

idek what these r in reference to anymore but it sounds dumb as hell lmao

Wow I cannot believe that people actually think VM owe fans any explanation for their relationship/partnership. Like we don't know them, we're never going to know them or be friends with them? Why the fuck do they owe fans a detailed explanation of their personal business? I stg these shippers have lost their damn minds. As long as VM continue to put out good programs and do well I couldn't care less what they're doing off ice. Whatever it is it's clearly working for them. You do you VM.

the entitlement of some fans is insane. its STILL happening now with tessa’s ig now too. why dont yall just let her live n let her white-girl post to her hearts content. she is literally doing nothing differently to what every other skater does, idg this absurd criticism

Fr tho both of them have such nice teeth and I've never seen pics of them with braces, like how??!?!

tessa’s r so nice i cant believe she’s never had braces. and they r such a natural white? like u can tell w most skaters that they get it professionally whitened but hers dont have that artificial look at all

Are you in college? Your bio says 23 but it said that last year too.

i actually turned 24 a while ago im just 2 lazy to change it. im in law school currently

I just read an ancient interview with vm where they said Mahler was about getting married or something... WHAT

ya i cant remember if it was them that said or marina that said it tho. i remember a story about a guy who wrote them saying he and his gf were watching mahler at the olympics and once it was over, he was so moved he got down on one knee and proposed to her and marina was like ‘thats what that program is meant to do’ lol

Do you think Zach is a good skater and partner? I keep changing my mind on him.....

he is such a bland, wet noodle - no taste, no flavor, just empty white carbs. its up to madi to add any spark to the team bc she’s the real star, he just stands there and is tall and can lift her

Why the fuck are so many people freaking out because Tessa did not attend a wedding with Scott. 1. They are not dating so there are no reason for Scott to bring her. 2. She has people visiting 3. I bet they don't even hang out off ice 4. I think Scott has a secret girl in Ilderton. 5. TS not dating. I wish people would claim down.

this is so far back in my inbox i have no idea whats happening

I love it that whenever Tessa posts an IG story the fandom goes crazy analyzing and speculating about Scott what there even when he is clearly not Then there there are talks about TS wedding. WTF Soon it will be TS having babies. I am wondering if maybe the fandom (new fans) are mixing reality with those fanfics.

honestly no clue

I know this has been discussed before but I don't get how Scott and Jess even communicated. Jess could barely seem to understand English back then and Scott couldn't speak French. I wonder if them not being able to speak to each other is part of why they lasted so long actually

lol bryce davison actually learned french so he could communicate w/ her. not scott tho lol

I don't think T cares too much about fs friendships the way other skaters do. Of course she's friendly with a lot of them but she's not really close with anyone except her partner, which doesn't really count lol. She has her own friend group outside of skating and that's what she seems to stick to. It's funny you mention Meryl, Brooke, Tanith, and Lauren because they're all still really good friends.

honestly i think skating stressed (stresses?) her out so much back then that she really hated being in that world for too long. i dont blame her for wanting to disconnect and not having to hang out with skaters who just talk about other skaters and skating 24/7

I don't mean this in a mean way. Watching Avatar. If you paint Meryl's face blue she could be in the movie

it kills me when ppl say she looks like a disney princess? ya the ant queen from a bugs life maybe

I think Tessa sometimes forget that Scott is a huge part of why they are successful and she wouldn't have all of these deals w amazing brands if they weren't so strong+didn't win everything. it's easy to put her on the pedestal bc she's gorg and can dance, but he should get/deserves just as much credit-- i mean he is the one lifting her and she could not do any of this by herself. sometimes i get the vibe that she thinks she's too good for him. maybe he's not as fancy, but he has a heart of gold

i’ve literally never gotten that she thinks she’s too good for him...? they go out of their way to pay each other compliments all the time and dont even jokingly diss on each other. its actually kind of weird that after knowing each other so long their relationship isnt just one long roast section where they talk shit about each other bc thats what my relationship w/ all my lifelong friends r like....but then again im a flinty bitch and they’re super earnest and emo like all the time. like i bet they both cry during sex

i find it kinda gross, disturbing and a bit pathetic that so many people feel the need to write erotic fan fiction about Tessa and Scott--like they are real people not characters, and it's kinda creepy that people spend so much time writing and reading them. Also, i would pay a million dollars to have someone show TS what people write about them--they would literally die and so would i--some fans are kinda extreme crazy

u know how on graham norton when he’s always showing celebs really erotic fanfic and fanart of themselves and they’re just dying of embarrassment?? i would literally pay everything in my bank account (so like....twenty dollars) for someone to do that to vm

omg it's gonna be so awk when tessa and scott have to see klawes...poor klawes, she just could not hold a candle to tessa. still don't know why klawes still follows tessa's insta--like i would unfollow and would not wanna see some of the pics t posts of TS giving each other lovey looks/touchy regardless of whether ts are together or not. also, it's never like t and klawes would actually be friends bc they're polar opposites

v disappointed that the olympic summit did not deliver on this #drama

tessa and kl were real friends tho, i think its sweet. and its nice they still keep in touch even tho scott is a dog

Are you a fan of tessa's style? She wears so much expensive yet ugly shit in my opinion.

lmao no. i think some of her casual wear is cute, but she wears some of the most hideous high fashion shit ever when she’s going out. like that blue carpet jumpsuit? yall know wht im talking about. those hideous trousers??? also she wears an unbelievable amount of boring black dresses

also gf needs to do smth with her hair. tired of her high bun and slick pony. she looks way cuter w/ her hair down imo

Do you think Tessa pays for all the Adidas stuff she wears?

no she def gets it for free. i was a walk-on my freshman yr of college for half a second and even i got a bunch of free shit from nike

How do u as an ed sheeran unstanner feel about ts doing these songs their obviously using him for the sd next season and i wouldnt be suprised if they use him for the fd as well

reading this made my cholesterol go up

really hope they're exhausting all the ed sheeran options now so they won't actually use it for comps lol

ngl i do kind of dig that embarrassing white boy rapping galway girl song but that cld prob just be my girl saorise ronan hypnotizing me like she always does

Minus the horrific man bun, do you think Scott's hot? Also, do you think Tessa finds him attractive?

no and probably yes now that hes so fug

Do you think Scott's attractive?? Also, do you think Tessa being told she's beautiful constantly on sm has made her get a big head--she often comes across as a bit cold and stuck up prancing around in her $1000 + outfits? Love her and she's gorgeous but...

some of yall need to stop projecting your shit onto tessa for real

Power plays of the figure skating journalists. Inside Skating does a very literal interview and article with P/C which blows up and then they go to Jackie Wong so he can basically write up a damage control press release. Kind of fascinating to see both journalists doing their thing with the same content. Hard to believe Inside Skating didn't think their article would create a storm. Interesting.

speaking of jackie, skaters r really going to him for their exclusives now huh? dying that ashley gave him her big la la land fluff piece instead of tsl. pays 2 be nice and kiss ass

Doesn't look like KH/JLB will have much of a chance to advance cuzis so crowded with the current seniors not retiring and juniors moving up. KH/JLB needs to work on their twizzles, thier lines, skating skills, chemistry looks promising. Some of those junior and senior teams should consider representingif they want a chance at aCanada doesn't have any promising teams once VM-WP retire. I feel like CB, SS, HD ain't retiring till they win Wch or OG which may never with PC around.

hawayek/baker could prob skate for gb because jean-luc has citizenship and carreira/ponomarenko could prob skate for canada bc she’s from montreal but i doubt the us fed is letting either of them go. they’ve invested way too much at this point. i don’t think c/p need to move tho, i think they’re talented to rise organically through the ranks. i think they’re more likely to be us #1 instead of not tbh

I don't understand the whole David and Tessa affair; like some people say it happened after he was separated and others talk like it was a full blown affair. The only thing I do know is that her being called a "homewrecker" or anything else of that nature makes me want to punch something because it's disgusting, and it's society go-to response. Be cruel to the woman and basically give the man a free pass. But maybe he received shit, too? I just never heard about it.

i think he was basically separated but not divorced when it happened

Do you think if TS and Cappelini and Lanotte switched partners they would be a good team?

lol no. anna’s not a great skater and luca looks like he’s shorter than tessa

Wait is that Tessa's ex Semple in that photo you posted of her pre and post nose job? Cause if so damn does she lowball herself. Like she could have such better looking guys I do not understand. Girl is very pretty she needs someone to help her pick better guys.

~we accept the love we think we deserve~~

I think T is cringeworthy as a speaker bc she's sooo gd rehearsed. Not a things she says comes across like she didn't practice it in the bathroom mirror 75 times that morning. She would be pretty good if she could lose even half the pretension in her delivery and tossed out the eye rolly words she keeps littering the sentences with like privilege and journey.

they honestly both suck. she’s worse than he is, but they’re both super stiff. and they always do this forced banter bit at the start which just seems so awkward lol

That one anon pointing that some have denied the nose surgery - this is exactly what annoys me about those shipper blogs, not that they are shippers (you can want them two to be together- that by itself doesn't bother me), but their ways and how they always have to insist on vm's perfect image - they all get so upset and aggressive when you point some issue out, like why would you deny Tessa has done a nose job... so out of touch! vm are interesting exactly cause they're real people with flaws

i can not believe ppl r denying her nose job. like yo its right there. it does lend credence to my theory that all shipprs r just hallucinating n seeing things that arent there tho

If Tessa and Scott did hook up while officially with SOs I have a feeling they wouldn't consider it cheating.

ok lmao??? im sure something extremely profound i said provoked this

how rich do u think scott and tessa are???

prob millionaires by the time 2018 comes around if they get their sponsorships

i might do part 2 later if i can be bothered... but nothing really makes sense out of context lol, its like watching charlie kaufman do slam poetry

#Anonymous #vm #fs

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whoreditary · 7 years

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#ive been so fucking depressed for the longest time now #the only person who i feel close with and like i can rely on says i need to rely on other people too #the only other friend i have that i trust like that doesnt even text me on a regular basis or want to see me #im too clingy #i feel so alone #my family is too busy for me #and ive been so used to being alone and being okay with it but now it hurts #im scared to tell her that im still sad bc she wants me to be happy and move on #why cant i be happy #i stg i would have started self harming again if i wasnt guilted into quiting #i could hide it #but i would feel so bad #i wish i didnt feel this way anymore #i feel like i dont matter #i hate myself so much #i keep crying #and i cant sleep #i usually sleep so i can just ignore it but ive been so anxious lately that i cant

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genderfreezone · 3 years

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mom didsome fucked up shit n im ventig. gonna call me therapist bc i dont know what to do.

how do ii add a readmore on mobile i odnt know

---

its hrd to move and my eyes keep de-focusing and my drunk mom screamed and touched me and tickled and pulled on me when i didnt get out of bed, threew my gender in my face, threatened to withhold my terminally ill infirm grandmother's basic needs of the toilet and warmth wgen i didnt do what she wanted immediately when she wanted it.

i get pissy and annoyed when im interrupted by grandma needing something, but i always come downstairs and help. if i donnt do it one time because my body is having problems i deserve to be screamed at and vilified and touched and told what a horrible awful selfish lazy sexist male scum pile of dogshit i am.

why yes mother that completely fixes whatever physiological ailment is keeping me from doing what you demand of me. yes i really am being willfully lazy and selfish when i dont think its safe for me to try helping my dying grandmother who is begging for your help im ny current physical state.

yes mother i WANT to be sleeping 22 hours a day and doing NOTHING. it feels GREAT and im doing it COMPLETELY ON PUROSE. i LOVE being ducking powerless when my grandmother calls desperately for help. i am WILLFULLY dizzy and unsteady on my feet. it feels AMAZING to be an IMPOTENT UNCONSCIOUS LUMP.

ny head hurts, my body feels aawful, and i kust want to crumble into sand.

i can push through it for maybe 20 minutes at a time but rhen i need to sleep for like 3 hours. my friend was here for a day and a half and i spent most of that time PASSED OUT.

m sorry im weak and useless. im not as capable as its convenient for you to believe. my limit is so much lowers than everyone else i know and all you do is tell me that im lying andd just beifing lazy and selfish.

im so scared to tell her anything ever. i never know what shes gonna freak out about, what shes gonna invalidate, or what shes going to deem unimportant or "a lie". whenever i tell her i dont feel good, all she does is list all the ways my suffering is my own fault through some failingh of mine so i deserve it and she doesnt have to go easy on me or think about it anymore. like shes "tryig to figure out the reason" why i feel bad, but it either ends up being some self-care thing i was too "lazy/selfish" to do, or i cant find a reason so i must not actually feel sick.

shes never gonna be happy, so she has to make sure everyone she "loves" knows how terrible and awful and selfish they are.

im dont see any way to get out. i dont have friends or family in the area that i can rely on. i dont see any future. i know its there, but i dont know what it looks like, it could be worse than this, it could be homelessness and starvation and being denied the medicine i need to stay alive. im scared. i let all my friends drift away. its my fault that i have nobody. its my fault that i dont have noelle anymore. i dont think im really even worth talking to. im just a sad-sack pile of mommy-issues and chronic medical conditions. im not worth anything outside of what i produce: ideas, art, conversation. and im so fuckign slow and awkward and sparse with all of those. i dont know how to talk to people, i dont know how to make firends, i dont know how to make myself interesting, i dont know how to make myself better than i am. i jsut want a mom that isnt insane. i want a family. i want someone i can just connect with if nothing else. i want my old high school friends back. i want my childhood back. i want . i want noelle back.

#abuse #vent #negative #pls tell me what other trigger warnings i can put on this because its a fucking doozy #long post #im aorry #its 1 am and i think im hungry #my head hurts so bad i think i meed water #i need to check my blood suagr.#i dont know whats wrong with me #maybe this exhaustion is just something that happens every couple months #i want my therapist #i want to mot be alone

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jess-oh · 5 years

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reflection

hey journal,

im not fine. but im trying to be. or at least trying to pretend that im fine.

im surprisingly good at pretending im fine when im not. the reality is, i still feel so miserable. i tried to just drown my sorrows away in the form of food and YouTube videos and i am left feeling just as empty as I did on Saturday. Listening to, “I’m Fine” over and over and over has allowed me to at least try and convince myself that im fine.

i am upset with Amanda but it’s not because of anything she did wrong so i dont want to tell her why. im trying to protect the people i care about. i know im being irrational and just overthinking all of this and i just need to solve it and get over it to preserve my image and be of the utmost help for other people.

i dont want to tell jason how im feeling bc im worried he’ll just get mad and i know ive been too reliant on him in the past and i feel bad that i wasnt able to help him in the same way. i was sad he got more letters than me in his journal? well hes also just a better person than me. a part of me feels like i deserve the same amount, if not more letters than him because i put so much more effort into movement than he did. he never came out to the bible studies or prayer meetings and missed a whole bunch of sundays and i did my best to come out to every sunday and saturday and have been active on tuesdays. i feel like i do and sacrifice so much for movement but in the end, it doesnt even matter.

i feel really broken and i dont know why.

but ultimately, i know jason did better than me. bc he actually genuinely cared. i was just trying to prove i was worth something. i didnt act out of care. i acted out of pride. and people knew. their job isnt to reach out to me and give me a pat on the back for all the things ive done. their job has been to receive and act naturally in accordance with how God wants them to live. and i havent encouraged them. ive judged them. did i even do anything worthwhile this past year besides just leeching off other people? was i just a shitty person entirely?

im fine.

even when jason did feel down in the dumps, he still did care for them. i didnt. i just pushed people away.

i tried to be transparent and open and for what?

i think it encouraged joyce to speak up a couple times maybe. and i am glad david prayed for me. but as a whole, did i really ever do anything meaningful or worthwhile? or was it just all for show to make myself feel better.

i feel like im losing amanda.

i dont want her to feel bad for me or reach out to me just because she can. i want to actually be loved and cared for and i dont believe she does feel that way towards me anymore. i feel like ive been left behind. again.

and i know this was never her intention and i do genuinely want her to be happy which is why im journaling about all this instead of telling her how i feel. because i dont want her to feel guilty for the choices she made and i do genuinely want her to be happy. i know that she has been quietly suffering for a long time now and i do really want her to get better and if she is encouraged and challenged to do that through Johnathan, then so be it. I would rather she get help, even if it isnt from me. i do really care for her and love her and i want to write her and the rest of the MAST members a letter soon but i cant think super clearly right now.

i just keep beating myself up over and over and over for the things that i couldve done better. i couldve been a better friend. i couldve been more open. more attentive. more caring. more understanding. more open-minded. but i didnt.

and i guess the only thing to do from here is move on and look forward and figure out what i can do better.

i want to know what i can do better and the areas in which i fell short but im also so scared of finding out bc i already hate myself so much anyway and being told what i failed at would only add to this already heavy burden.

im fine.

i also just feel really bad because i feel like im taking such a huge step back by pushing people away and isolating myself. i know i have grown a lot this past year and i have been able to become more trusting of those around me and it has been really nice to know that i am cared for and loved by others. and in acting like how i am now, im worried pjosh and other people wont be proud of me anymore or the ways that i have grown.

have i even really grown at all? or was i always just forcing myself to make a different choice but now im just reverting back to how i naturally handle things? i dont want to disappoint them. i dont want to seem like a failure.

and God, i want to rely on you. I really do. But I can’t. Because at the end of the day, as much as I want to believe you and trust you and your pain, I really can’t understand why you’ve let me be in and put me through so much suffering and for so long. What did I do to deserve so much misery? I can’t handle it on my own anymore. I really can’t. It’s consuming me from the inside out.

i really want to call amanda and just clear everything up with her and be honest with her but i also dont want to hurt her. i know i can be too open and share too much and i dont want people to think something is mentally wrong with me bc that just means people will always look at me differently and pity me and never actually see me as human and i dont want that.

when i asked amanda what we should do with our small group and proposed hanging out in evanston instead, i was hesitant to ask at all because i knew what the “right” move to make was and wasnt sure if we should just opt for the easier route so more people could come.

and i was worried she would just say it’d be better for more people to come so we should just all meet in evanston instead. i was surprised when she actually mentioned how the original agreement was to meet in chinatown so thats what she wanted to do. and with that, i pushed for chinatown again and was thoroughly surprised when david actually decided to come through and travel with us. and i was really happy we all got to spend that time together. it was only once and i was so discouraged everyone bailed last minute. but the fact seoyeon and david did come was really heartwarming and encouraging to me. and it was for her too. our kids are growing up.

im also salty that a good handful of our members wished for more small group outings. which, i understand. but, i feel like theyre discrediting the fact that amanda and i really tried to plan outings but things fell apart bc of their schedules a lot of the time. whether it was bc people backed out last minute or we couldnt find a time when we were all free or people half hearted committed but flaked out when the time actually came closer and didnt took it as seriously. i get that other groups, especially p. josh’s, had more hangouts and i am genuinely happy for them. and maybe our group wanted to have more fun times like that.

was i just too serious this past year? and i didnt have as much fun as amanda? i always perceived her non-seriousness as a bad thing bc i thought she was just using it as a front to cover how much pain she was actually in. when she cried with me and actually shared her fears and insecurities, i felt how genuine that was. her normal “fake” personality didnt seem genuine to me. but maybe i was wrong. she does seem genuinely happy now. and im happy for her too.

i know i have a big mouth and have spoken when it wasnt my place to and i am getting better at managing it. i just didnt realize shutting my mouth would hurt me so much.

everytime jason has given me one of these “talks” on what i can work on, i end up feeling more hurt than challenged to do better. and i am actively trying to work on everything he told me to do and i know he told me out of a place of care. but now i just feel so paranoid that i am constantly being judged and messing up in ways that im not even aware of. and it sucks.

but i also dont want jason to not tell me ways i can improve bc i do genuinely want to know and how to grow and get better.

i had the opportunity to go to northwestern and hangout with familiar people again yesterday but i didnt go. because i was afraid of seeing amanda and johnathan there. and i was afraid of feeling left out.

even though i didnt know anyone on the softball team and i was the only college student there, it was so much easier for me to be happy with them. i made friends and i didnt care what i said or how i was being perceived. i just did my best to boost our team’s morale and cheer everyone on and that made me feel genuinely better. even if it was just for a few hours. i didnt care how i acted and chances are, i wouldnt interact or even see them ever again. or at least not for a while. but with the college kids, i dont understand why it’s so hard for me to be real with them. i am so much more afraid of being judged and gossiped about bc i know i have to keep working with them and i will see them again the next sunday. or the next. or the next. or the next.

i got along really with songbee the other day and being friends with her makes me feel like im betraying jason bc i know he doesnt get along with her very well.

i got along really well with jennie lee the other day. why is it so much easier for me to get along with adults? anyway,

we got along really well and i definitely want to keep in contact with her and get to know her better. we joked around a lot and it was fun!

maybe thats why i get along better with the adults. because i have such a surface level friendship with all of them. but with movement, ive been open and vulnerable and i actually have more to lose so im more afraid to be myself.

hm.

but yeah, i just hung out with jenny chang’s family after and i really valued our time together and how much they take care of me. they feel like my picture perfect family that i never had growing up. they’re what i always imagined a family should look like. but mine never fit that description.

#reflection #im not fine #im not even close to okay

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scarletiris · 7 years

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Intangibles.

well hello there people. if somehow anyone ever finds this, welcome back to another episode of scarletirisdrama. tonights episode discusses to myself what the fuck is the reason im being avoided? like okay so like before i went on the trip everything was perfectly fine you know? like i mean i had a relative/best friend i could always talk to, rely on, and idk just make me happy. even more happy than my ex has ever shown me, partly the reason is because well, we are family and we cant ever fuck that up, right? at least i think im right.. so anyways during the vacation and even after the vacation i KNOW, like i fucking KNOW there is some avoidance as if something is being hidden, with the exception of the last day and man, that was perfect. i finally seen her smile and be herself around me and not fear me or think of me as a burden to carry around. it was truly the best friend i knew and felt. however after i leave i just hear nothing. its all gone. nothing. nada. zip. like legit fucking silence. like i mean im replaying every scenario in my head, did ONE fucking trip to visit someone i care so much about ruin it all? like we had all these plans, japan, moving, school, life, having each others backs, like hold up hold up. lemme tell you guys something. just the other fucking day i was having a. bad day bc something went wrong and i couldn't get registered for classes, i got hella mad and just threw a random stack of paper in my drawers down, and on top fell a note she wrote to me, basically saying she’s so glad to have met me and so glad we are family, how she can come to me for anything and know that i always got her back. it was again, one of the happiest moments i ever felt. now i know where you guys are going, if you see it from a distance, you're all just going to be dude, youre like in love with her, and the answer is FUCK NO, thats gross as fuck. i hate hate hate hate incest, but she really does have something no other women in my life has had, just this natural happy, ecstatic confident energy/feeling in me. like you know that song idk uhm i think “Bubbly” Collie Colliat? or something like that? yea, thats how i feel around her and hearing from her you know? but nah the attraction i have toward her isnt intimate or sexual cause fucking ew. its more like, this passionate one of a kind feeling that i cant get with anyone else. that im always gonna fall on a cloud when things are feeling down and not flat on my ass on some concrete. but where did that all go? its gone, i feel it. i feel nothing anymore, as if i did some horrible crime and she has this metaphorical restraining order on me. was it something i. said? something i. did? the anxiety kills me to like sit here and wonder what the actual fuck happened? like theres NO fucking way she could have been THAT mad over me visiting her right? i mean she has been there for me in so many ways that she doesnt even know shes been there for me sometimes. Like i said and ill repeat what i said, this attraction i have toward my second cousin is not infatuated or lust or romantic cause omg ew. no, ill emphasize it again, its mental, spiritual, and invigorating to know someone has been there for me and i truly fully trust this person. being a relative age similar to mine, she is the first person i ever EVER opened my problems up to, i cant really open up to my siblings or relatives in cali bc being the oldest i want to show no signs of weakness. dumb yeah i know, but seriously its just that like wtf you want me to do? cry or vent or be sad to my brother or baby sister? like uhh. no. and its also the fact we are roughly 1700 miles apart and i feel closer to her than some of my closest friends here. thats why she gets that spot, she deserves it in such a small period of time, she deserves me to see her as my sole best friend. now i never ever believed in “best friend” but she is, and when she is basically that, and already family. she is literally my kansas city twin. that ill actually get mad when anything happens to her, that whether she likes it or not, ill be that overprotective cousin/friend who will stand up for her no matter what the stakes are.. but its like, what did i do you know? its gone, that feeling, i just get total silence when i try to talk to her, or i just get the strongest vibe that she just wants to stay as far away as possible to me, im pretty sure she doesnt even want me around her nor to move to KC or wherever she goes. if this is a lie, and im just overthinking it, then holy shit this agony is so sharp, now keep in mind i dont have clinical depression or anything im way too strong for that shit, but its like.. i do tend to overthink, but i dont think im. overthinking, this tangible idea t hat my best friend might hate me for something i did keeps dwelling at all angles of my brain. my very cells in my body shake from how distance we have quickly grown, AND FOR WHAT? like really? fucking for what? WHAT DID I DO IS THE QUESTION I FUCKING REPLAY. OVER. AND OVER. AND OVER. like if this was anyone else i would not give a fuck, its w/e but why her? why my cousin? like im tired of using the official title “second cousin” because shes so close to me i dont really give a fuck what that shit means but why is she avoiding me? like is it me or is it her or what like i reread my entire ENTIRE phone texts, and fb msgs from the very first time we talked too and it was all fine but now its like total silence, or itd be short quick texts none of this knowing how each others days went or whats on our mind. i cant even directly ask her because itll just make me look crazy if its overreaction but i think she truly has no. idea how painful it is to just like avoid me, if she just told me the reason even if its harsh as fuck and even to the point like “dont ever talk to. me look me up call me or mention me again dont even think of. coming to kc” you know, some fuckin crazy shit like that, ill cry you know? ill break down. but hey. at least i know the truth instead of always wondering the WHY question? Ash if you ever see this or somehow, if its recently you somehow see this, just be up front with me, if its the future and you see this down the road.. if we are still as close as i think we are, then lol my bad i just told you, i love to write when i feel down and have stuff on my mind. But.. if we arent close anymore by the time you ever see this, whatever i did, or whatever you might eventually tell me, i am sorry for it, i dont ever want to jeopardize my relationship and bond i have with you. youre my true other half that i dont literally have to be with as in together, cause 1 like i said thats so gross, and 2, i wouldnt ever wanna be more because youre already everything to me. i look up to you so much you know? youre the cloud cushion to my ass when i fall, and youre the ray of light when its nothing but darkness. youre the paradise to a place as beautiful as california. just know this time right now, August 13th, 2017 at 1:24AM pacific, ( 3:24AM your time) im hurting a bit. i just want to know the truth thats all. whatever youre hiding or even if its nothing at all! just i want my best friend back, and i want that euphoric feeling again...

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jess-oh · 5 years

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Reflection

hey journal,

i cant tell if im feeling jealous or competitive or just overthinking or what but honestly, i feel...

hurt.

by david.

i had a lot of hope for him and i thought i knew him. i knew he struggled with depression and i really cared deeply for him. i thought i knew him.

i trusted him. i thought he was a genuinely good person with people’s best interests at heart. and idk if it was just bc of that night after senior banquet when i saw him engaging in more vulgar conversation or what but...idk.

i thought he would stand up in those kinds of situations. am i just being too quick to judge? should i confront him about it? he isnt as “perfect” as i thought. i think joyce and him are both not in the best places mentally and feeding each other’s negativity. i cant bear to see them both tonight. i wouldnt be going to celebrate joyce and have a good time with her. a part of me just doesnt want to see either of them.

i am genuinely happy theyre both doing well. i am.

is it the fact they get along so well is what bothers me? i dont think so?

i think ive calmed down a bit.

im listening to “Give Me Faith” and it’s definitely calmed me down a lot.

i just.

sigh.

when i first met david, he was much more intentional and willing to fight for the voiceless and doing what is right. and i think in part bc of his own mental state and valuing people like austin so much and not being able to fight his own insecurities but giving into them instead, hes become who he is now. and it’s not who i once really highly admired. i was proud of him for reaching out to joyce and making sure she was okay and i am grateful that he takes such good care of her. josh and austin are concerned for her too. and i am glad she has people in her life that she feels like she can trust and rely on.

and i guess a part of me wanted that too but i feel like i dont have that anymore. especially since the seniors are leaving. and it’ll be incredibly hard without them but at least i’ll have yaeji. and hopefully cecilia and joyce choe too. people who i think do genuinely love and care for me and who i can be honest with and look to for guidance.

i just really dont want to be alone again. ive felt alone for so long and finally made active efforts to make a family and trust the people around me and it turned out so great! i had people to whom i could comfortably and confidently rely on and who i knew cared for me, genuinely. even if it was just towards the end.

and im really sad to see them go.

but at least, i do love joy, seoyeon, and unsun. i think especially for joy and seoyeon, they can get left out a lot and im really grateful for unsun for listening to me that one time at retreat and praying and caring for me.

thank you.

i think im also just hurt by david bc ive been trying to be more trusting and transparent wth him more recently but he didnt receive it well and in the end, i just ended up feeling hurt.

so here i am now.

but anyway,

thank you for listening to me God and helping me calm down.

it means a lot to me.

thank you.

jess oh

#reflection

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jess-oh · 7 years

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Reflection

ummmm....

i don’t know.

what do you do if your friend doesnt like your significant other? Andrew had a good time with Lauren today and something....irked me. I know that I don’t know her super well and he claims that shes a different person but I really do not like her. But I also dont have the heart to tell him if he likes her. As of right now, nothing is actually happening but... i don’t know.

i want to give her a chance but i am very weary. i just dont know why she bothers me so much.

i’ve been checking for updates on the fire almost nonstop and while the air still sucks, my main friends and family have been able to return home. And although the fire spread to over 8k acres, it’s been tamed by about 40% now. Which is much more than the mere 5% they had all day yesterday. So I am glad that my family and friends are safe.

I was just overwhelmed with my graphic design project and inability to visit the shop at all but after taking a quick breather, i realized that i can just do everything tomorrow after class. The DPC and media center both class at 9pm so im hoping that i can get everything done within that time period.

i vented to Andrew about my inability to help others earlier and I didn’t really mean it. I don’t know what I was expecting. Yes, I do feel this way but I’ve come to terms with it. So why did I still tell him? Was I expecting some sort of reaction? Maybe. I wasn’t satisfied though. But it might just be me. Because I don’t want to think about it. He did take the time to write a fairly lengthy response but....idk. it seemed kind of apathetic. like “ugh. i have to tell you this again?”

i really dont have a best friend anymore. bc with everyone dear to my heart, i no longer feel comfortable sharing everything with. in the end, i just feel like im being too clingy or like im a burden. and it kind of sucks. not having anyone that you trust with your life that you know wont judge you. and i think it’s both our faults and we just got busy. nothing more. nothing less.

i was supposed to work on my lab reports today but i ended up procrastinating instead. im in a weird mood. i do think i’ll stay up and at the very least, revise lab report #4 and hopefully do my intro for #6. And if I’m up to the challenge, I’ll do lab #5 too. Plus, I found my physics textbook! Yay! It fell!

but. yeah. idk. i feel really nervous rn but im not sure why. i just. idk.

i do want people to rely on and i know that i have my family now but they just went through so much with the fire and the evacuation and i feel bad for asking them to listen to me. im just feeling really stressed and overwhelmed rn and i just want to crawl into a ball by myself and wait for the pain to pass.

there’s so much that i want to talk to andrew about and i do want to get better at talking to him in person but i just cant bring myself to do it. and i dont even know why im so nervous. i want to tell him about the flaws that hes unaware of. and vent about my life and listen intently to his issues as well. but....

idk what im so afraid of. that i’ll lose him? maybe? he’s one of the only stable things left in my life right now. if i still had marlena then maybe this wouldnt be so bad but shes leaving soon and i really dont have that many other people that i can rely on.

i just feel so alone again.

#reflection

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jess-oh · 7 years

Text

Reflection

; - ;

im in a constant state where i feel like i just want to cry bc i feel so alone but then i dont want to cry in front of my classmates or my roommates or let anyone in or let my guard down but i also dont have marlena bc she’s going through her own things rn and i dont have andrew bc crying in person is just awkward and he’s been growing more and more apathetic which makes sense bc he’s a busy guy and he’s just gotta realize it for himself so i reached out to some friends like jeanne, jennifer, and annika but i just couldnt bring myself to be so open and vulnerable and just kinda brushed it off as stress but i am so overwhelmed and i dont know what to do and im way in over my head and

sigh

i just really need a break and time to gather my thoughts but i cant stop stressing over everything. it’s just so much to handle. and i asked andrew earlier if he still goes to his friends for advice when theyre going through a hard time and he said yes and questioned why i would think otherwise and idk if it’s him or me but i thought you should just back off and let them bc so as to not add the extra weight, yknow? i would never want to put my friends in a worse spot than they already are. i want to help them. so idk if im wrong or if he’s selfish or what but i do want to hear his reasoning. but man, i just feel like crying. all the time. im so nervous all the time. i want to be productive and do homework and it’s only the end of week 5 and i am dying. and i do really want to get better and do my best and put more effort into all my classes. and maybe that means taking a step back from church and my other extracurriculars. but i still want to be involved bc these are things that im really passionate about. i just.

i feel so alone and it’s hard. not being able to be open with anyone. it sucks always trying to be the strong one. and honestly, what heidi said to me still affects me to this day. in more ways than i originally thought. she said that everyone is going through a hard time but other people are just better at hiding it. and that struck a chord within me. it drove me off the rails. off the cliff. it pushed me to self harm myself bc i felt so helpless and worthless. and honestly, as much as i dislike to admit it, i still think im trying to put on this fake, strong facade. for the sake of not appearing weak. and act as if i have all my shit together when in reality, i am dying on the inside. im literally the guy in a pool of tears meme.

and i want to be productive so i keep pushing myself to do some homework assignments or at least get a head start whenever i can but...im just so frustrated. because im not in a mentally stable place rn so i cant fully commit or focus and im not even procrastinating on my work that much. and yes, i have a lot to do and it’s stressful but i thin more than that, im just not doing so great mentally and that’s been fucking me up. i do want to do well. i do want to get good grades and actually try and learn and find a support group that i can rely on. and it really does come down to how open i’m willing to be and how much of a risk im willing to take in opening myself up to them. and it’s hard and it’s scary and i feel like im not getting anywhere but i do really want to do better. honestly.

and God, I know that you are still a huge part of my life too and yeah, i have been putting my faith on the backburner while I’ve been trying to sort out everything going on right now with school and my personal life and everything and yknow what, i dont know if youre just asking me to rely on you more and to pray to you whenever i can and just giving it all up to you. and honestly, i think, to me, thats a sign of giving in. and i know that it isnt but in my mind, it is. i want to be strong and do things by my own strength and just push through this hard time. but man, i feel so alone. it’s hard when youre two closest friends are someone that’s going through a lot of family issues and the other is just apathetic and doesnt care. and i know he still does to some extent but i do want someone to push me and force me to do things that i dont always to do because im too scared. but they know that it’s the right thing to do. please, pull me out of my comfort zone but be there to catch me in the end and just remain supportive. please. thats all i need. i dont need you to tell me what i want to hear. tell me the truth. make me snap out of it. and...just be there for me. please. thats all i need.

i just took a photo of myself without a shirt on. nothing super intimate is showing but i did feel pretty confident. but my boobs are hanging out but i like so skinny but i also dont want anyone else to see it and judge me for it but it did make me feel a lot better and i want to check my weight and see if i lost any and i know that that is so vain but i have struggled for so long with my weight and how i appeared and im just so tired of it. i just want to be flawless. not really but kind of. that kind of “perfect” that is just so natural and comes without any effort. i wake up and someone finds me beautiful or attractive or worthwhile. and i know that i shouldnt be so focused on my appearance but it’s definitely been ingrained into my brain that it does matter. and as much as it sucks, i believe it.

i dream of being in a relationship. i have no idea with you. but im just so in love with that idea. with having someone that you care so much about that you want to be spend as much time as possible with them. someone that always has your back and you always have theirs and you never have to question it. someone you can just always hangout and chill with and you wont be too clingy. someone you are just so in love with and you feel comfortable just being yourself around them. i want that. that kind of love and intimacy and affection that you can only get from a relationship.

but i know that if it doesnt work out, it really will break my heart and the pain will be unbearable to live with. but i will push through. i’ll fight. i can do it. i just...

i dont know

i really miss having that comfort of having people that you know you can totally rely on wholeheartedly. because i cant out here. not anymore.

#reflection

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