#cookie12
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CW: unreality
Its strange, but I now consider Cookie12 to be something easier to talk about and I can't even talk about him now.
I'm trying to not, but it does upset me
I've always wanted to post all my art and be able to talk about Cookie. Since it isn't something i get to speak about regularly
But its not happening right now
I don't want to betray his trust
Theres like a rift in our relationship now and he doesn't want to be around me
It bothers me because I'd always hoped we could be friends
But I messed that up
And I don't know any other way to fix this than to just leave him alone.
But I do feel frustrated about it
: when I first made Cookie12 he wasn't really Cookie
He was a Sona I made called WormKing. And before that he was Cookiebearcat. An old fursona I had.
WK was really similar to Cookie in looks, he had the ears and locs. But he also had a flower in his head.
Overtime it changed into something else.
WK had his own house. Even though he was my age at the time (13-14) he also had a pet worm. But with legs. Which is a thing. But still
I can't remember how I changed sonas
Looking at an older drawing. It looks like Cookie, and the flower is there. but the flower isn't in his hair.
I hadn't exactly figured out what he was yet. But eventually I did and he lived with Mama.
And then met Alama.
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CW: unreality?.
I used to call Cookie, Project cookie12
I wonder if I should start thinking of him like that again
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CW: unreality
I do hope that, in the future, I'll be able to better separate real people from imaginary people. Because I really don't like how it felt.
I remember the first time she helped me. Especially since it was quite recent. I started crying and pretty immediately held her hand. Almost like I knew her already. I tried apologizing for it. Since I knew it was weird and didn't make sense. But she didn't seem bothered by it. So I just kept holding her hand anyway.
Maybe I just seem lonely.
I remember the amount of times at homecoming, people would come up to me. Tell me to dance. Or make me dance with them. I just I just permanently look miserable now. But I really wasn't. I was enjoying myself for the most part. And was mostly trying not to worry about the girls feelings.
Or what might happen to me.
I really didn't want to tell her the night before. I was afraid she'd be upset with me. And she was.
She had told me a lot that she wanted to go to the dance. But was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to.
I didn't really want to go. But my dad thought it would be good if I did. Since I'd been avoiding hanging out with people still.
I'd seen her get upset before. And while it did kind of scare me. I let it slide since she wasn't upset with me. I'm not sure why I assumed that she would ever be, at the time. Maybe I'm just a bit airhead-ed.
I don't really get it.
Its not really that I didn't think she was real. But it felt more like a dream than real life when I was with her.
I stayed up all night responding to her. Trying to get her to see I wasn't going to the dance with other people. I just knew someone who was going.
NB (NBB) was going. And she had ran for princess but didn't win. I still shouldn't have told her.
I shouldn't have told her so much information about me and my life.
She was very rude to me the next day. I understood why
Especially since we were constantly misinterpreting each other
I don't like seeing my imaginary friends in other people. It always seems good at the time. Or at the very least not bad. But. I don't really like it.
It doesn't benefit me at all. And it usually does the opposite. And unless I can move past what i first saw them as. I just try not interact with them.
So I wish I didn't interact with you. I wish I would have just told you everything was okay the first time.
I have other people to rely on anyway.
I wish hadn't jumped so fast at the chance someone would listen to me.
Maybe it was because you were in person. And you wanted to help me. And you reminded me of Alama and Janiah. I didn't really ever feel like it really was them. But the similarities made it hard to see you normally.
I don't like that
If can't see you far enough beyond that. We really shouldn't be around each other at all.
I tried to find out what you were interested in. But you never really did share much.
You only seemed interested in helping me in return of friendship. But I guess that doesn't really work if I'll get scared of you sharing your feelings.
I wanted to be upset with you, but it didn't work.
When I told my parents and brother they were upset.
But I mostly felt disappointed in myself. I couldn't even express my feelings to you
I kept wishing I never met you. But it was a good thing I did. So that I never do this again.
I've done it before.
But it's never really resulted in much of a real friendship blooming
Now I know its not worth it
I was so scared of hurting you. And I was scared of you hurting me. But. That's no way to live or be in a friendship anyway.
I remember when I was afraid I'd forget about my imaginary friends. But I suppose it's harder than that. Especially if I don't want to. And they're everywhere.
It makes it harder seeing things labeled Cookie12 in my room. I barely know what to say.
I do know that. If I do this right it will go away. And I won't feel same way I do now.
There was a time this happened to me in 8th grade. With a guy. And that was how I created Jack-al basically.
But eventually I was able to make it to where. He no longer reminds me of Jack-al. I'm not afraid of hurting the real guys feelings or being around him anymore. And I don't stare at him
He doesn't bother me.
So. I could probably do it again.
I like when the sparkles and hearts around your head go away.
It means I just see you as a normal person now
And I can't be afraid of you
#Alama#Jack-al#Janiah#Cookie12#the same thing happened when id go to ROTC balls. id look so miserable people would try to dance with me.#its okay at first because its nice#but if i say i don't want to dance anymore please leave me alone. and don't tug at me either. im already tired#i wanted to dance at the end. there was a part of the dance where you go low. so i did that. and i of course i fell on my head#i really need a helmet 😭.#i wanted to put lyrics here. but#it made me feel embarrassed#so im not gunna do it.
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TW: SH
I just hit my head really hard
I just want to be your friend
I know it's not going to happen, I don't even want it any more. Not really not much
But I still wanted to
I didn't expect it to hurt so bad
I don't know why
How is doing it less hurting me more
How I am doing more now while doing it less
You all are so okay with me now. So why I am still hurt.
I'm pretty sure I need some medicine to fix this
Because nothing is working
I'm still doing so good and yet you hurt me like this
I just wanted to be a normal person
Just for a day not be like this
Maybe it could happen
I don't know. I can't tell where I am in the school right now
Maybe I should leave and then use my ID.
You were so nice to me. You even gave me a hug
I'd just like a break from this right now
I really didn't want to do this at all
Why was it so rapid and happen so quick
Why was I even shaking or so warm
Sometimes I just wish I hadn't cared at all
Maybe we could be friends
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Old Cookie drawings from 7th grade
#cookie12#myart#7th grade#i found a weirder one. (drawing) it reminded me of last year and the beginning of this year. but it makes me feel less weird actually
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CW: unreality
Cookie looks like worm king with the hair down recently
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Vent: CW: unreality
sometimes I feel like Cookie 12 is real and I'm the fake.
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CW: unreality
Organizing something for Cookie
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CW: unreality, making myself sad 🙁
Before I decided to stop I would project my feelings onto Cookie 12.
It was pretty good at first. I would have terrible feelings but would be able to express them as Cookie 12. Anytime I felt upset I could do that.
Eventually it became too much. Doing that made it to where I would make myself sad twice. I would be sad and then I would make Cookie 12 sad.
I would make it withdraw from their friends, so they could feel they way I could. I wouldn't let them have a pet because I don't have one. I've had pets. But the last ones had to be taken back.
All the fish hated each other, and the hamster just wasn't a fan of me. I had named the hamster Sprite. I don't think it was my idea to name it that.
I had tried a few times to let Cookie 12 have a pet but everytime I would decide to not let it happen. I would
force our lives to mirror, even if I didn't make any sense. If Cookie 12 still wasn't sad enough I would do other weird things.
I would feel bad about it. But it just didn't seem fair. He was getting these things I wanted, all the things I needed. It just made me mad.
Eventually I got so upset that sometimes I would take Mama for myself.
I would make her come to my room, and dissapear from Cookie 12. I could make her leave and come back as I wanted.
But that was towards the end. When I had decided to not do that anymore.
I've changed my mind about it.
I've been drawing Cookie 12 just happy recently. I've yet to draw any of it's friends with them when I do it. And I've given him a pet today.
Its Simon.
When I was younger people would compare me to a mouse. I think that comparison was accurate. I also thought it was accurate at the time. I would draw myself as a mouse sometimes.
I've moved on to rat status. So Cookie 12 has a rat now.
#cheeseburgerboy#character art#my art#cookie12#this still isn't that thing i was trying to say. but im getting closer.#maybe soon I'll be able to say it. though i doubt it#i still haven't eaten that apple in my bag. and i dont really plan to.
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This is the first time I've had my burrito with chips, since the first time I've been to the restaurant.
I believe you can only get the burrito combo if you go inside.
When my brother orders it I can't ever get chips and a drink.
I can only get a burrito
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Vent: CW: unreality, suppression
I feel like I deserve nothing and also torture and this has been very exhausting for me.
I'm sick of feeling like this everyday
I always feel like I've done something wrong
And like im horrible
I don't even try to feel happy. Because I know in doing the wrong thing
And I feel guilty about it.
I just try to feel not that much.
I can't enjoy many things because I feel bad about doing so.
I don't know what I want or need unless i think about what Cookie would want or need.
Even if I know what I it is that I need or want. It doesn't feel right for me to have it.
And I am discouraged by every single thing it feels like.
I don't enjoy winning. It doesn't make me feel good.
It makes me feel bad. And I am still afraid of smiling.
When I am happy. I don't feel okay smiling. I feel like I'm doing something bad.
If I smile when I am upset I feel like somethings wrong with me.
I don't feel like any feelings are safe feelings to have. They are all bad.
If I am feeling sad. I do think theres a bit of leeway. But it doesn't last for all the long.
Because I know I shouldn't be doing what I am.
Anything I do isn't right. The things i feel aren't right.
Nothing makes sense. When I do it.
I try to suppress my feelings because I know they shouldn't be there. But then. I don't know where I want them to go.
When I start feeling upset I feel terrible.
Because I know I shouldn't like that either.
I can't ever explain how I am feeling. Because there isn't time. There isn't time for me to say it. And it isn't fair for me to.start talking.
I want to be able to say something. But when I do. It's all wrong.
I give up because I won't be able to say what I need to.
It feels dangerous or too ridiculous.
I've literally turned against myself. I no longer have myself by my side in any way.
They don't like me.
I'm sorry I haven't been myself.
#cheeseburgerboy#cookie12#BC#im going to try to let myself rest. though i don't know how to.#eat myself oneday. but i don't think its possible.
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CW: unreality
Decided against hair or any other features I could obviously see as myself so they are just bald.
I did all smiles so I don't give myself the wrong impression. Though it kind of freaks me out.
I would rather draw everything in full, but I have the limits for a reason.
Vent:
I did daydream yesterday, but it wasn't Cookie 12 related.
I did make it for a little while but too much tension is going on right now.
Too messed up for my head.
I did add a frown sometimes. But everytime I realized I did it, i just turned them into cat mouths.
Of course I wish that I could be there. But he would hate that. So I'll stay away.
I'll probably steal some of his outfit looks too. Just to make me feel better.
But I'll need to remind myself they are my clothes. Which gets very annoying.
I don't know of anyone else who has to do this. And say- these are my hands! These are my clothes! This is my hair!
And it doesn't help no one knows about it irl.
I could say it. But I don't see why I would.
Doesn't make much sense.
Once I start talking it gets hard to lie.
#my art#cookie12#i want his rats too#i haven't had a pet in years#my last one was in 2019.#it was a fish#his name was emrald and i loved him#his name was not emerald. it was emrald.#i would probably like being happy. but i chose not to be. because i love you.#i decide to hold back.#this is me trying#i feel like its a terrible idea#but im not responsible for anybody#im tried of trying to be#and being put in place where thats all i have to be.#come to my aid next time.#so i don't act like this anymore#this is so wishful. but it will be denied#i have to keep myself in check again.#you don't have the capacity for me.#as of now. you never will#i need to go to someone else.#but who#all seems bad options.#too fearful to try#its in my nature to care. but i wish i could control myself.#hate me. 😡 hate me harder.#hit me.😡 hit me harder.
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I would daydream a lot about community.
Which is because that's what I want.
Specifically a good one.
Its probably my favorite thing.
I don't always like thinking about it.
Because sometimes it makes me sad.
But it's always something that I'll be wanting.
It's the best thing you could have.
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I have Cookie 12 hands today
#cheeseburgerboy#this doesn't actually make sense when i say it#cookie12#i should just say i like my hands right now
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