#cookie12

[squirmydonnie]

Thank you, Cookie

[squirmydonnie]

Me and 8th grade Cookie

This

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality,

I've been relying on them for too long.

I started having imaginary friends pretty late.

I didn't really have a need for them before 6th grade.

So, in that aspect. I was lucky

I first drew Kumo in class and then pretend she was right next to me.

Then I drew her as my best friend on my personal drawings. And sometimes to my irl friends.

I drew Kumo in drawings with my OC and my fursona. So I think I had been blurring the lines too much.

Eventually I started to draw her in my vent drawings. She would try and cheer me up.

She was also an angel.

By the end of 6th grade I had found out I was bisexual. I was hard on myself about it. But despite that i made her my girlfriend.

That is kinda embarrassing for me to say. But I probably should say it. I don't like dancing around it. And the only reason I do, is because its embarrassing.

Either way. I think I used it as a way to make myself feel better in general.

Then one day she dissapeared. It really scared me and made me sad. I tried to make her come back. But it didn't work on my own accord. So this is the kind of thing that confuses me.

Still do this day, I cannot control this kind of thing. Which is the only reason why I question it just being my imagination.

She did come back for a bit. But she then dissapeared again and didn't come back for months.

Inbetween that time I came up with Alama. She would be Cookie's companion. And sometimes I would be Cookie. This was so I could also be around her. I wanted to live his life.

Later on I made Jack-al and Janiah.

All the people that I daydreamed about were based on other people.

Including Alama and Kumo.

Because they met Cookie first, I don't think they really like me as much.

Janiah met Cookie before both Alama and Jack-al did. Despite me making Alama first.

So the day I swore off C12 daydreaming, she already knew it was me.

I was never Cookie then.

BC later on also, left me.

I had been getting closer to her last school year. Which wasn't really a good thing. But it was what happened.

During Christmas break I had my hair in an afro like hers. We spent 2 days together consecutively. And then she left me.

So I didn't have anyone.

It really scares me when I'm left without an imaginary person.

And right now. I'm not especially close to any of them. Things have gotten better between us though. And maybe that's why.

They don't want me. I tend to want them much more.

BC did enjoy terrorizing me and making me feel bad. But it didn't last. I became boring to her.

After shes changed. Only I alone would be one one doing that stuff to myself now.

I never imagined this as my future.

I assumed I'd live my life only with them. But that's not how things are going to be.

I'm connected to Cookie, but I'll never be as close to him as I wanted to be.

I don't really know what this means. For the future or anything like that. I just know I've been too attached. And it's all unrequited (mostly)

From what I do know currently. Alama doesn't see me all that highly. And Janiah doesn't either. I don't think Jack-al thinks of me. I'm not really important to him. I spent time with Jack-al the least. So I really don't know for sure. But. I assume Cookie knows more.

Kumo is not a common occurence for me. So I'm not sure.

Shes the only one that. I, I guess see.

That's what I first did when speaking to her back then.

And then sometimes I may see her in the corner of my eye. But that was also in the past. More of a purple blue indigo light. But I would avoid it by that point. (8th-9th grade)

It's really mostly daydreaming now.

I mostly interpret it all by drawing. Since that's how this all started anyway I've just noticed.

Like when a bird was pulling on my eye. It was Alama.

Stuff like that. Or just litterally drawing them.

I don't have any clear or significant hopes for us like i used to.

I think. I just hope. Things are fine.

[squirmydonnie]

Everyone came so I could say it

I kept second guessing if you were there

But you were

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality

I don't have strong feelings about this exactly. But I know I should.

He was and is still a big part of my life. But I keep acting like he doesn't matter recently.

I don't really know how I should feel.

When things with Cookie would bother me. I'd try to make it go away by telling myself it wasn't real. Even though that never really helped much anyway.

I had a thing where if I go hurt, Cookie would have to get hurt the same way. I'd tried to make us look and be alike as possible. Disregarding whether or not that makes sense.

When I stopped doing that, I felt like he was turning on me. He started disliking me the more he changed.

Which bothered me. But though it would okay, because I was in control.

But I'm not.

I'm not really in control of much of anything there.

I kept trying to make things happen between us that didn't. I thought that

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality

Its strange, but I now consider Cookie12 to be something easier to talk about and I can't even talk about him now.

I'm trying to not, but it does upset me

I've always wanted to post all my art and be able to talk about Cookie. Since it isn't something i get to speak about regularly

But its not happening right now

I don't want to betray his trust

Theres like a rift in our relationship now and he doesn't want to be around me

It bothers me because I'd always hoped we could be friends

But I messed that up

And I don't know any other way to fix this than to just leave him alone.

But I do feel frustrated about it

: when I first made Cookie12 he wasn't really Cookie

He was a Sona I made called WormKing. And before that he was Cookiebearcat. An old fursona I had.

WK was really similar to Cookie in looks, he had the ears and locs. But he also had a flower in his head.

Overtime it changed into something else.

WK had his own house. Even though he was my age at the time (13-14) he also had a pet worm. But with legs. Which is a thing. But still

I can't remember how I changed sonas

Looking at an older drawing. It looks like Cookie, and the flower is there. but the flower isn't in his hair.

I hadn't exactly figured out what he was yet. But eventually I did and he lived with Mama.

And then met Alama.

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality?.

I used to call Cookie, Project cookie12

I wonder if I should start thinking of him like that again

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality

I do hope that, in the future, I'll be able to better separate real people from imaginary people. Because I really don't like how it felt.

I remember the first time she helped me. Especially since it was quite recent. I started crying and pretty immediately held her hand. Almost like I knew her already. I tried apologizing for it. Since I knew it was weird and didn't make sense. But she didn't seem bothered by it. So I just kept holding her hand anyway.

Maybe I just seem lonely.

I remember the amount of times at homecoming, people would come up to me. Tell me to dance. Or make me dance with them. I just I just permanently look miserable now. But I really wasn't. I was enjoying myself for the most part. And was mostly trying not to worry about the girls feelings.

Or what might happen to me.

I really didn't want to tell her the night before. I was afraid she'd be upset with me. And she was.

She had told me a lot that she wanted to go to the dance. But was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to.

I didn't really want to go. But my dad thought it would be good if I did. Since I'd been avoiding hanging out with people still.

I'd seen her get upset before. And while it did kind of scare me. I let it slide since she wasn't upset with me. I'm not sure why I assumed that she would ever be, at the time. Maybe I'm just a bit airhead-ed.

I don't really get it.

Its not really that I didn't think she was real. But it felt more like a dream than real life when I was with her.

I stayed up all night responding to her. Trying to get her to see I wasn't going to the dance with other people. I just knew someone who was going.

NB (NBB) was going. And she had ran for princess but didn't win. I still shouldn't have told her.

I shouldn't have told her so much information about me and my life.

She was very rude to me the next day. I understood why

Especially since we were constantly misinterpreting each other

I don't like seeing my imaginary friends in other people. It always seems good at the time. Or at the very least not bad. But. I don't really like it.

It doesn't benefit me at all. And it usually does the opposite. And unless I can move past what i first saw them as. I just try not interact with them.

So I wish I didn't interact with you. I wish I would have just told you everything was okay the first time.

I have other people to rely on anyway.

I wish hadn't jumped so fast at the chance someone would listen to me.

Maybe it was because you were in person. And you wanted to help me. And you reminded me of Alama and Janiah. I didn't really ever feel like it really was them. But the similarities made it hard to see you normally.

I don't like that

If can't see you far enough beyond that. We really shouldn't be around each other at all.

I tried to find out what you were interested in. But you never really did share much.

You only seemed interested in helping me in return of friendship. But I guess that doesn't really work if I'll get scared of you sharing your feelings.

I wanted to be upset with you, but it didn't work.

When I told my parents and brother they were upset.

But I mostly felt disappointed in myself. I couldn't even express my feelings to you

I kept wishing I never met you. But it was a good thing I did. So that I never do this again.

I've done it before.

But it's never really resulted in much of a real friendship blooming

Now I know its not worth it

I was so scared of hurting you. And I was scared of you hurting me. But. That's no way to live or be in a friendship anyway.

I remember when I was afraid I'd forget about my imaginary friends. But I suppose it's harder than that. Especially if I don't want to. And they're everywhere.

It makes it harder seeing things labeled Cookie12 in my room. I barely know what to say.

I do know that. If I do this right it will go away. And I won't feel same way I do now.

There was a time this happened to me in 8th grade. With a guy. And that was how I created Jack-al basically.

But eventually I was able to make it to where. He no longer reminds me of Jack-al. I'm not afraid of hurting the real guys feelings or being around him anymore. And I don't stare at him

He doesn't bother me.

So. I could probably do it again.

I like when the sparkles and hearts around your head go away.

It means I just see you as a normal person now

And I can't be afraid of you

[squirmydonnie]

TW: SH

I just hit my head really hard

I just want to be your friend

I know it's not going to happen, I don't even want it any more. Not really not much

But I still wanted to

I didn't expect it to hurt so bad

I don't know why

How is doing it less hurting me more

How I am doing more now while doing it less

You all are so okay with me now. So why I am still hurt.

I'm pretty sure I need some medicine to fix this

Because nothing is working

I'm still doing so good and yet you hurt me like this

I just wanted to be a normal person

Just for a day not be like this

Maybe it could happen

I don't know. I can't tell where I am in the school right now

Maybe I should leave and then use my ID.

You were so nice to me. You even gave me a hug

I'd just like a break from this right now

I really didn't want to do this at all

Why was it so rapid and happen so quick

Why was I even shaking or so warm

Sometimes I just wish I hadn't cared at all

Maybe we could be friends

[squirmydonnie]

Old Cookie drawings from 7th grade

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality

Cookie looks like worm king with the hair down recently

[squirmydonnie]

Vent: CW: unreality

sometimes I feel like Cookie 12 is real and I'm the fake.

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality

Organizing something for Cookie

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality, making myself sad 🙁

Before I decided to stop I would project my feelings onto Cookie 12.

It was pretty good at first. I would have terrible feelings but would be able to express them as Cookie 12. Anytime I felt upset I could do that.

Eventually it became too much. Doing that made it to where I would make myself sad twice. I would be sad and then I would make Cookie 12 sad.

I would make it withdraw from their friends, so they could feel they way I could. I wouldn't let them have a pet because I don't have one. I've had pets. But the last ones had to be taken back.

All the fish hated each other, and the hamster just wasn't a fan of me. I had named the hamster Sprite. I don't think it was my idea to name it that.

I had tried a few times to let Cookie 12 have a pet but everytime I would decide to not let it happen. I would

force our lives to mirror, even if I didn't make any sense. If Cookie 12 still wasn't sad enough I would do other weird things.

I would feel bad about it. But it just didn't seem fair. He was getting these things I wanted, all the things I needed. It just made me mad.

Eventually I got so upset that sometimes I would take Mama for myself.

I would make her come to my room, and dissapear from Cookie 12. I could make her leave and come back as I wanted.

But that was towards the end. When I had decided to not do that anymore.

I've changed my mind about it.

I've been drawing Cookie 12 just happy recently. I've yet to draw any of it's friends with them when I do it. And I've given him a pet today.

Its Simon.

When I was younger people would compare me to a mouse. I think that comparison was accurate. I also thought it was accurate at the time. I would draw myself as a mouse sometimes.

I've moved on to rat status. So Cookie 12 has a rat now.

[squirmydonnie]

This is the first time I've had my burrito with chips, since the first time I've been to the restaurant.

I believe you can only get the burrito combo if you go inside.

When my brother orders it I can't ever get chips and a drink.

I can only get a burrito

[squirmydonnie]

Vent: TW: school ,, ableism (I think)

possible OCD.

I start back swimming this week.

My only reason for dreading it is the amount of time I'll have to myself.

I feel like I need to have a lot of time just by myself.

I won't have as much during swim.

Interacting with people has been difficult lately. Because I am just so angry and frustrated when people talk to me.

But I get so worried about doing something wrong. So it's not a good mix.

I'll also have less time to do what I think might be compulsions. Which worries me.

And I'm afraid of what might happen.

I'm having I very difficult time in school right now. I have trouble getting myself to go to sleep and get ready for bed.

I don't really want to stay up late most nights. And only stay up to get my time to myself and keep checking repeatedly.

I don't end up getting a lot of sleep because of that.

I wake up at 5:45. And go to sleep at often times at 1 or later.

My parents don't seem to understand I'm not really making the choice to stay up late. And would much rather be able to go to sleep in peace and not worry so much.

I sleep a lot in my first class. Which is quite simple. But has large amounts of work. And I finish them at home.

Most other work I finish at school. But only with the help of other students. Especially in Chemistry.

I don't get what we're doing right now.

It's an equation type of thing. I haven't been to good in math. I passed geometry because the teacher helped me cheat basically. Which is nice and all. But that means I didn't do most of it on my own.

So any classes where they say I should know something.

I just don't.

I don't get anything at all.

I couldn't even remember what my math class was called.

I just searched it up on my computer.

I haven't been able to control myself as well either.

In Spanish I couldn't stop breaking down.

I believe I may struggle with selective mutism.

It was much worse in 8th grade. And actually got much better this year.

But unfortunately, it seems like it started over when learning a new language.

Even though I don't stutter much now. I do when I speak Spanish.

I can't get words that are in my head to come out my mouth. No matter what. It very hard to speak.

Sorry this is all Friday: may 10th

I was partnered up with someone for the speaking test. And I had been partnered with him before. I could not really speak.

He acts in a certain way. That he thinks hes better than most people.

Which makes it hard. Even if hes willing to help people. It's like he saw me as defective and stupid. To not even be able to pronounce words in Spanish.

Which is something I can do! But not really in front of other people.

He kept making remarks about me to other students without saying my name.

That he was "trying to practice".

I decided to go to the bathroom.

And did something in there. Before I realized a girl i knew from class was in there.

So I went to a stall. She tried to ask if I was okay and stuff like that. But I just said yes. Even though that didn't really make any sense.

Because I had just force myself in the the corner next to the toilet with the door open because I couldn't even get myself to close it.

After she left I went to a bigger stall. And sat on the floor.

I can no longer have reservations about whether or not I want to sit on the bathroom floor. It just doesn't matter now.

I did start trying to eat my pass. But there wasn't really a point in that.

So after chewing it just threw it away and went back to class.

I keep thinking she might talk about me because of what I did. I think she might start treating me differently too.

I'm not sure what that would mean.

I'd always hoped if I ever did end up doing something like this. It would just be one big incident. And not a whole bunch.

More isn't better in the aspect. But I don't think I have a choice in acting like this anymore.

It doesn't feel like I can get myself to stop. Or hold back.

I started my speaking test with my partner. By this point I had proved to him that I really could speak Spanish. But that I get so incredibly stuck I can't really talk.

The speaking test started well. Until our teacher (who should have been suspended already and never came back after those 2 weeks) started knocking on the door to get the students to be quiet. Which at this point we've all lost respect for him so of course they didn't.

He stopped our speaking test.

And I tried to tell him I really didn't want to start over. But at this point it didn't matter so I went back in the classroom and just started crying.

My partner did try cheering me up. Which was nice. But it did feel weird.

Luckily I didn't have to start over. And we just continued from where we were.

After school I was very exhausted. I just hoped to go home.

But we went to pick up so hair stuff and a new TV.

While my mom got the hair products, I played with some cicadas. I let them land on me and I held them in my hands.

They were very nice. It cheered me up from my hard day.

I went back to the car.

We pulled up at the electronic store.

I got a phone call from mrs 🦆(shes back home now and okay)

It was unfortunately a distressing message. She didn't mean to call me and meant to call the hospital.

So I was very worried.

And my mom got out to meet my dad's car so they could get the new tv.

I just started crying again

I was very loud. But no cars heard me or anything.

My mom prayed in the car for mrs 🦆.

When I got home I put my backpack and stuff in my room and then went back outside.

I nerves were really messed up from the phone call and my day.

So I was kinda shaking. I started looking for animals and insects. I don't remember seeing all that many..

It started raining. There have been various weather warnings recently.

At school there was hail and hard rainfall. Along with lights cutting on and off.

I decided not to go back inside.

I didn't have my hair done well that day. And it was worse the day before.

I was having some fun in the rain. But still was acting funny.

I got scared when I saw a neighbor looking at me.

And then more came up to their drive through.

I was thinking I looked like BC. But I did not.

I actually looked ridiculous and my hair was messed up.

So I had to fix it before coming upstairs..

It reminds me of earlier in the day.

I has spilt my lemonade trying to get into my moms car door.

And when I got to mrs.👚 house I noticed it spilled where Cookie's puncture is.

Which was nice I guess. Except I didn't need the reminder. Nor the the 4 minute social media and school dreams. Each was a 4 minute dream.

But for dinner I chose what I wanted.

My brother had left for a field trip that Friday

I ate exactly what I ate when I quit 'Cookie 12 daydreaming'.

Bacon cheeseburger lettuce and tomato with mozzarella sticks.

Which I think was a good treat for my day.