#cookie12

[squirmydonnie]

Everyone came so I could say it

I kept second guessing if you were there

But you were

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality

I don't have strong feelings about this exactly. But I know I should.

He was and is still a big part of my life. But I keep acting like he doesn't matter recently.

I don't really know how I should feel.

When things with Cookie would bother me. I'd try to make it go away by telling myself it wasn't real. Even though that never really helped much anyway.

I had a thing where if I go hurt, Cookie would have to get hurt the same way. I'd tried to make us look and be alike as possible. Disregarding whether or not that makes sense.

When I stopped doing that, I felt like he was turning on me. He started disliking me the more he changed.

Which bothered me. But though it would okay, because I was in control.

But I'm not.

I'm not really in control of much of anything there.

I kept trying to make things happen between us that didn't. I thought that

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality

Its strange, but I now consider Cookie12 to be something easier to talk about and I can't even talk about him now.

I'm trying to not, but it does upset me

I've always wanted to post all my art and be able to talk about Cookie. Since it isn't something i get to speak about regularly

But its not happening right now

I don't want to betray his trust

Theres like a rift in our relationship now and he doesn't want to be around me

It bothers me because I'd always hoped we could be friends

But I messed that up

And I don't know any other way to fix this than to just leave him alone.

But I do feel frustrated about it

: when I first made Cookie12 he wasn't really Cookie

He was a Sona I made called WormKing. And before that he was Cookiebearcat. An old fursona I had.

WK was really similar to Cookie in looks, he had the ears and locs. But he also had a flower in his head.

Overtime it changed into something else.

WK had his own house. Even though he was my age at the time (13-14) he also had a pet worm. But with legs. Which is a thing. But still

I can't remember how I changed sonas

Looking at an older drawing. It looks like Cookie, and the flower is there. but the flower isn't in his hair.

I hadn't exactly figured out what he was yet. But eventually I did and he lived with Mama.

And then met Alama.

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality?.

I used to call Cookie, Project cookie12

I wonder if I should start thinking of him like that again

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality

I do hope that, in the future, I'll be able to better separate real people from imaginary people. Because I really don't like how it felt.

I remember the first time she helped me. Especially since it was quite recent. I started crying and pretty immediately held her hand. Almost like I knew her already. I tried apologizing for it. Since I knew it was weird and didn't make sense. But she didn't seem bothered by it. So I just kept holding her hand anyway.

Maybe I just seem lonely.

I remember the amount of times at homecoming, people would come up to me. Tell me to dance. Or make me dance with them. I just I just permanently look miserable now. But I really wasn't. I was enjoying myself for the most part. And was mostly trying not to worry about the girls feelings.

Or what might happen to me.

I really didn't want to tell her the night before. I was afraid she'd be upset with me. And she was.

She had told me a lot that she wanted to go to the dance. But was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to.

I didn't really want to go. But my dad thought it would be good if I did. Since I'd been avoiding hanging out with people still.

I'd seen her get upset before. And while it did kind of scare me. I let it slide since she wasn't upset with me. I'm not sure why I assumed that she would ever be, at the time. Maybe I'm just a bit airhead-ed.

I don't really get it.

Its not really that I didn't think she was real. But it felt more like a dream than real life when I was with her.

I stayed up all night responding to her. Trying to get her to see I wasn't going to the dance with other people. I just knew someone who was going.

NB (NBB) was going. And she had ran for princess but didn't win. I still shouldn't have told her.

I shouldn't have told her so much information about me and my life.

She was very rude to me the next day. I understood why

Especially since we were constantly misinterpreting each other

I don't like seeing my imaginary friends in other people. It always seems good at the time. Or at the very least not bad. But. I don't really like it.

It doesn't benefit me at all. And it usually does the opposite. And unless I can move past what i first saw them as. I just try not interact with them.

So I wish I didn't interact with you. I wish I would have just told you everything was okay the first time.

I have other people to rely on anyway.

I wish hadn't jumped so fast at the chance someone would listen to me.

Maybe it was because you were in person. And you wanted to help me. And you reminded me of Alama and Janiah. I didn't really ever feel like it really was them. But the similarities made it hard to see you normally.

I don't like that

If can't see you far enough beyond that. We really shouldn't be around each other at all.

I tried to find out what you were interested in. But you never really did share much.

You only seemed interested in helping me in return of friendship. But I guess that doesn't really work if I'll get scared of you sharing your feelings.

I wanted to be upset with you, but it didn't work.

When I told my parents and brother they were upset.

But I mostly felt disappointed in myself. I couldn't even express my feelings to you

I kept wishing I never met you. But it was a good thing I did. So that I never do this again.

I've done it before.

But it's never really resulted in much of a real friendship blooming

Now I know its not worth it

I was so scared of hurting you. And I was scared of you hurting me. But. That's no way to live or be in a friendship anyway.

I remember when I was afraid I'd forget about my imaginary friends. But I suppose it's harder than that. Especially if I don't want to. And they're everywhere.

It makes it harder seeing things labeled Cookie12 in my room. I barely know what to say.

I do know that. If I do this right it will go away. And I won't feel same way I do now.

There was a time this happened to me in 8th grade. With a guy. And that was how I created Jack-al basically.

But eventually I was able to make it to where. He no longer reminds me of Jack-al. I'm not afraid of hurting the real guys feelings or being around him anymore. And I don't stare at him

He doesn't bother me.

So. I could probably do it again.

I like when the sparkles and hearts around your head go away.

It means I just see you as a normal person now

And I can't be afraid of you

[squirmydonnie]

TW: SH

I just hit my head really hard

I just want to be your friend

I know it's not going to happen, I don't even want it any more. Not really not much

But I still wanted to

I didn't expect it to hurt so bad

I don't know why

How is doing it less hurting me more

How I am doing more now while doing it less

You all are so okay with me now. So why I am still hurt.

I'm pretty sure I need some medicine to fix this

Because nothing is working

I'm still doing so good and yet you hurt me like this

I just wanted to be a normal person

Just for a day not be like this

Maybe it could happen

I don't know. I can't tell where I am in the school right now

Maybe I should leave and then use my ID.

You were so nice to me. You even gave me a hug

I'd just like a break from this right now

I really didn't want to do this at all

Why was it so rapid and happen so quick

Why was I even shaking or so warm

Sometimes I just wish I hadn't cared at all

Maybe we could be friends

[squirmydonnie]

Old Cookie drawings from 7th grade

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality

Cookie looks like worm king with the hair down recently

[squirmydonnie]

Vent: CW: unreality

sometimes I feel like Cookie 12 is real and I'm the fake.

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality

Organizing something for Cookie

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality, making myself sad 🙁

Before I decided to stop I would project my feelings onto Cookie 12.

It was pretty good at first. I would have terrible feelings but would be able to express them as Cookie 12. Anytime I felt upset I could do that.

Eventually it became too much. Doing that made it to where I would make myself sad twice. I would be sad and then I would make Cookie 12 sad.

I would make it withdraw from their friends, so they could feel they way I could. I wouldn't let them have a pet because I don't have one. I've had pets. But the last ones had to be taken back.

All the fish hated each other, and the hamster just wasn't a fan of me. I had named the hamster Sprite. I don't think it was my idea to name it that.

I had tried a few times to let Cookie 12 have a pet but everytime I would decide to not let it happen. I would

force our lives to mirror, even if I didn't make any sense. If Cookie 12 still wasn't sad enough I would do other weird things.

I would feel bad about it. But it just didn't seem fair. He was getting these things I wanted, all the things I needed. It just made me mad.

Eventually I got so upset that sometimes I would take Mama for myself.

I would make her come to my room, and dissapear from Cookie 12. I could make her leave and come back as I wanted.

But that was towards the end. When I had decided to not do that anymore.

I've changed my mind about it.

I've been drawing Cookie 12 just happy recently. I've yet to draw any of it's friends with them when I do it. And I've given him a pet today.

Its Simon.

When I was younger people would compare me to a mouse. I think that comparison was accurate. I also thought it was accurate at the time. I would draw myself as a mouse sometimes.

I've moved on to rat status. So Cookie 12 has a rat now.

[squirmydonnie]

This is the first time I've had my burrito with chips, since the first time I've been to the restaurant.

I believe you can only get the burrito combo if you go inside.

When my brother orders it I can't ever get chips and a drink.

I can only get a burrito

[squirmydonnie]

Vent: CW: unreality, suppression

I feel like I deserve nothing and also torture and this has been very exhausting for me.

I'm sick of feeling like this everyday

I always feel like I've done something wrong

And like im horrible

I don't even try to feel happy. Because I know in doing the wrong thing

And I feel guilty about it.

I just try to feel not that much.

I can't enjoy many things because I feel bad about doing so.

I don't know what I want or need unless i think about what Cookie would want or need.

Even if I know what I it is that I need or want. It doesn't feel right for me to have it.

And I am discouraged by every single thing it feels like.

I don't enjoy winning. It doesn't make me feel good.

It makes me feel bad. And I am still afraid of smiling.

When I am happy. I don't feel okay smiling. I feel like I'm doing something bad.

If I smile when I am upset I feel like somethings wrong with me.

I don't feel like any feelings are safe feelings to have. They are all bad.

If I am feeling sad. I do think theres a bit of leeway. But it doesn't last for all the long.

Because I know I shouldn't be doing what I am.

Anything I do isn't right. The things i feel aren't right.

Nothing makes sense. When I do it.

I try to suppress my feelings because I know they shouldn't be there. But then. I don't know where I want them to go.

When I start feeling upset I feel terrible.

Because I know I shouldn't like that either.

I can't ever explain how I am feeling. Because there isn't time. There isn't time for me to say it. And it isn't fair for me to.start talking.

I want to be able to say something. But when I do. It's all wrong.

I give up because I won't be able to say what I need to.

It feels dangerous or too ridiculous.

I've literally turned against myself. I no longer have myself by my side in any way.

They don't like me.

I'm sorry I haven't been myself.

[squirmydonnie]

CW: unreality

Decided against hair or any other features I could obviously see as myself so they are just bald.

I did all smiles so I don't give myself the wrong impression. Though it kind of freaks me out.

I would rather draw everything in full, but I have the limits for a reason.

Vent:

I did daydream yesterday, but it wasn't Cookie 12 related.

I did make it for a little while but too much tension is going on right now.

Too messed up for my head.

I did add a frown sometimes. But everytime I realized I did it, i just turned them into cat mouths.

Of course I wish that I could be there. But he would hate that. So I'll stay away.

I'll probably steal some of his outfit looks too. Just to make me feel better.

But I'll need to remind myself they are my clothes. Which gets very annoying.

I don't know of anyone else who has to do this. And say- these are my hands! These are my clothes! This is my hair!

And it doesn't help no one knows about it irl.

I could say it. But I don't see why I would.

Doesn't make much sense.

Once I start talking it gets hard to lie.

[squirmydonnie]

I would daydream a lot about community.

Which is because that's what I want.

Specifically a good one.

Its probably my favorite thing.

I don't always like thinking about it.

Because sometimes it makes me sad.

But it's always something that I'll be wanting.

It's the best thing you could have.

[squirmydonnie]