#i really enjoyed getting to watch them talk about this it was so cathartic

[crossingthedreams]

spare me — javier peña x f!reader

masterlist | day 25 (@angstober) — spare me

a/n: this was really rough for me to write, as I am going through a breakup right now. a really painful one. that's why I wrote this in this way with this character. I hope you enjoy it and, somehow, that this is cathartic for you, should you need it. I sure did.

word count: 638

summary: even after it was over, you could only think... how did it end?

warnings: angst, breakup, no use of y/n, not proofread.

The last time this happened, you promised yourself there would be no next time. This was it, and you knew what you had to do. 

You sat at Javi’s sofa and he sat across from you, in a chair. His eyes were kind, but the uncertainty that lingered killed you. 

The truth was simple: you loved Javier and there was no way you wanted to break up with your three year boyfriend. However, there was a part of you that knew you couldn’t let this happen again, for your own sake. When you walked into his apartment earlier that day, you didn’t think you would be leaving as a single woman. You had chosen to fight for you and him, but the conversation you two just had changed your mind. Unfortunately. 

For months, Javi would constantly ask for a break to “think”. What was a break? What was “thinking”? Whilst he occupied himself in a week of thinking, you would suffer from excruciating anxiety wondering whether he would end things for real or not. 

When he asked for a break again, saying he would call you in a week, after you returned home from a trip he was supposed to go, you knew in your heart what to do. 

“No, Javi”, you softly said, shaking your head. There were no tears. “You can always talk to me, but this is it. I can’t sit around and wait for you to figure out if you'll dump me or not. This is it”.

Javi’s face didn’t change. He just held your hand, and nodded. 

He was soft, so soft, and you already missed his touch. You missed sleeping on this couch, in his arms, as a football game played out on the TV. 

How did you go from “I love you” to “this is it” in a thirty minute conversation? You wanted to tell him again that you loved him, beg him to change his mind and go on your trip with you. You kept replaying the last 24 hours in your mind, thinking about all the events that led to this — to the end of the road. 

There were issues, but none of them were unfixable. Javi’s mindset was not yours to rearrange, and it killed you that he hurt you. You knew it killed him too. 

“I’m sorry”, was all that he said, gaze avoiding yours. He was staring at your intertwined hands, and you knew it was time to let go. 

The coldness in your gesture, as you let go of his hand, surprised even yourself. Hours later, as the pain and sorrow striked, you’d look back and wish you hugged him. But you had to spare him, and yourself, from constant indecision. 

“I’ll walk you to your car”, he said, a hand on the small of your back.

You shook your head no, still exhausted from your work and family affairs. It was the worst thing that you had to let go of the man you loved so dearly, and add this emotional hit on top of all others. 

“Don’t worry”, you replied, and both of you knew your words could be translated as "spare me”. 

Respecting your wishes, Javier only led you to the door. He tried to kiss you, but you simply presented your cheek. You didn’t look back as he watched you leave, and you drove straight away. There were still no tears.

Hours later, in the airport, that’s when the tears came. When you realized he wouldn’t come running through the airport security and confess his love. When a couple sat across from you, and called themselves “baby”. When you sat in the airplane alone, next to the seat that would have been his. You couldn’t spare yourself from getting hurt, but you could make a choice on what would hurt you.

[flippinpancakes64]

Hello, I just want to know if I can request the Cullens to have an S/o that is in a band like sick puppies or skillet, please, and thank you

Also, I love your work

The Cullens with a reader who's in a Rock Band

Hello! Thank you for requesting!

I am someone who's into alternative music but I've never heard of these two bands. So I did my best to listen to some of their songs to get a feel for what kind of band you were talking about. They both reminded me a lot of Three Days Grace, Seether, Godsmack, and other bands like that so I based it off of that too.

In short, I basically went the route of a 90s-00s rock band

I hope you enjoy!

Edward:

He's not the biggest fan

Not of you being in the band, but of the music

He's not really into all the screaming

Even though it's not all screaming lol

He is pretty old fashioned

But overall he'd be an enjoyer

He would be at all of your concerts watching from the front row

He will proudly tell anyone that asks that he is your boyfriend and that you two are very much in love

And if you guys ever wanted to write a slower, ballad-type piece he is so down to compose and play the piano part for it

Also you guys don't need to worry about money

If one of your guitar strings breaks he's sending you 1,000 dollars and telling you to keep the change

He's also a good personal bodyguard

No need to worry about rowdy fans when he's there

He supports all of your dreams

He just doesn't listen to the music in his free time

Sorry

Alice:

She is SO into it

I feel like she doesn't care about genres or anything like that

If she likes a song she likes it

And when you tell her about your band and show her one of your songs, she is in love

You don't need to hire a merch designer or a hair/makeup artist ever

She's on it

She loves helping you choose an outfit and doing your hair and makeup before you go on stage

And it does stroke her ego just a little bit when people post on Twitter about your outfits :)

She's also definitely the type to print out like a hundred posters and staple them to all of the telephone poles in like the whole state

Also always at every concert

Except she's backstage

She prefers to be close

Stands to the side the whole time holding a bottle of water for you whenever you need it

She definitely has a shirt with your face on it that says #1 fan

She doesn't wear it but she does have it

Jasper:

He's also a little confused by the music

I don't know why but I literally cannot imagine this man listening to music ever

So he doesn't really have a favorite type

But he loves your voice so obviously he loves your music

He doesn't trust himself to be in the crowd at your concerts

So he's always backstage too

Even though it's loud, if you even whisper under your breath that you're thirsty he is there with a bottle of water

For some reason I get the feeling he would be good at audio design tho

This guy can make fire edits to a song

Your bandmates love him tho because he moves all of the heavy equipment

He likes to be in the studio when you're recording

Quality time

And he can be perfectly silent so he never interferes with the sound equipment

Rosalie:

I feel like she'd shock you with the fact that she LOVES alt music

She's so angsty

It perfectly displays her emotions

The screaming is cathartic to her

So when she hears that you're in a band and you make the exact type of music that she loves, she is so excited

She wants to be involved in everything

She would love designing your outfits

And I feel like she would be a good songwriter

She is in the crowd every time

Directly in the center

Directly in the front

One time, when one of your concerts was coming up, she printed out hundreds of flyers and went around the school telling people to show up

Not asking

Telling

The show was packed

Emmett:

I think he would love it purely for aesthetic reasons

Not to say that he doesn't like that you're happy and doing what you love

But I think he would feel so cool with a badass rockstar S/O

Like when he looks up at you on stage he just gets so much pride

Like hell yeah everybody came here to see MY S/O

Also he is your personal bodyguard

He would have so much fun kicking people out of shows

He puts on the sunglasses, the high vis vest, everything

Obviously he is in the crowd every time

But that's because he's the guard

He would proudly wear a shirt with your face on it btw

And no he won't get rid of it

No matter how many times you ask

Esme:

She's another one who's not really into the music part

I get the feeling she would like jazz/classical music more

She just gives me calm energy

So she wouldn't really like your music sorry

But that doesn't mean she won't support you

She is at every concert

Backstage

And she helps you with anything else you may need

She is shockingly good at filming music videos

She also likes to take action shots while you're performing

And then she makes a scrapbook out of it <3

Carlisle:

This man is older than electricity

He's watched the evolution of all music genres

And he is familiar with all of them

He's sort of like Alice in that he likes songs from all genres

He is completely supportive, though

Gives you all the money you could ask for

And then some

He talks about you to his patients all of the time

"Oh you broke your arm at a music festival? My S/O is in a band, you should check them out sometime."

The nurses get a bit annoyed

The only downside is that, because he works so much at the clinic, he can't help that much

He does his best to be at every one of your concerts

But he can't make all of them

When he does show up though he is front and center

Vampire! Bella:

Stephenie Meyer confirmed that Bella listens to Linkin Park

So yes she totally loves your band

I can imagine her in the mosh pit

She'd love it

She would stay far away from the stage though

Like she does not want to be perceived by the public

She helps doing other stuff though

I feel like Edward probably taught her how to play guitar at some point

So if you're ever stumped on a riff or something she jumps in to help

Obvs she's at every concert too

[hunterscabin]

That’s What I’m Here For

Request: Can you please write an asthmatic reader and Sam and Dean help calm her during an attack because they know what to do - helping her count and breathe and use the inhaler because it’s a really bad attack (I live for whump!) - Anonymous

Pairings: Sam x Asthmatic!Reader; Dean x Asthmatic!Reader

Warnings: Asthma attack; panicked reader; whump; worried Sam & Dean; fluff

Word Count: 1.4k

Author’s Note: Thank you for the prompt, Nonnie! I actually have asthma, so this was somewhat cathartic to write. I hope you enjoy!

Morning had always been your favorite time to run. There was something so calming about watching nature wake up: the sun rising over the treetops, birds greeting the day with their happy chirps. Living the stressful life of a hunter made you truly appreciative of these peaceful moments, and you did your best to incorporate them into your daily routine. 

You were on a small trail that looped around the woods near the bunker. It stretched roughly two miles, the perfect length for a morning jog. Although you maintained a steady pace, you noticed your breathing rate increase around the one and a half mile mark. Wanting to enjoy the tranquility of the outdoors a little longer, you shrugged off the warning sign. Now, on the last leg of your run, a familiar sensation tugged at your chest. 

Slowing your pace, you reached into your running belt and felt for your inhaler. When you found nothing, you tried the other pocket. It wasn’t there. 

“How could I be so stupid,” you wondered. Asthma had been a part of your life for as long as you could remember, and you always had an inhaler with you in case of emergencies. 

Panicking would surely make things worse, so you ran through your usual mantra of reassuring phrases:

“You can still talk, which means you’re getting enough air.”

“Your inhaler is close.”

“Sam and Dean will be able to help." 

While your personal pep talk kept your mental game in check, the tightness in your chest continued to twist, and you were beginning to feel your throat constrict. By the time the bunker came into view, you were in the throes of a full-blown asthma attack. 

The bunker door was twice as heavy in your current condition, but with a weak heave, you managed to nudge it open just enough to slink through. The door closed behind you with a thud, and you braced yourself against the loft railing. 

"Y/N,” Sam called when he heard the bunker door close, “Dean found a hunt while you were on your run.” When you didn’t reply, Sam shouted after you again. “We’re in the library!”

No longer able to support yourself, you fell to your hands and knees gasping for air. 

“Y/N?” Dean yelled a little louder, thinking you may not have heard Sam. When you still didn’t respond, the brothers exchanged a worried look. 

You needed help, but you could no longer speak; there was no way you had enough breath to call downstairs. Trying to conserve what little energy you had left, you kicked over a small bucket of bullet casings sitting next to the door. At the sound of shells loudly scattering across the floor, Sam and Dean darted toward the stairs.

“Y/N!” Sam and Dean’s speed increased when they saw you on all fours. They quickly scaled the staircase and were next to you within seconds. Dean landed at your side and placed a hand on your back. Sam knelt in front of you, taking your face in his hands. 

“Y/N/N, what’s wrong?” Sam’s hands moved from your cheeks to your shoulders and down your arms as he felt for injuries. 

You responded by placing a hand on your chest.  

“Y/N/N, are you having an asthma attack?" 

Your eyes widened in confirmation and both brothers began to move on autopilot. 

"Where is your inhaler?” Sam couldn’t hide the concern in his voice. He and Dean had been helping you cope with asthma ever since you joined them, but it never got any easier seeing you struggle for air, especially when an attack was this bad. 

You tried to respond, but all that came out was a stifled wheeze. Sam knew they were running out of time. 

“I think she keeps one on her nightstand?” Dean offered. Again, words failed you, but found the strength to nod “yes.” As soon as he had confirmation, Sam shot up and ran to your bedroom. Without Sam to lean on, you began to sway, and Dean slid behind you for support. 

“Lean against me, Y/N/N.” Dean eased you into a seated position between his legs. Your fists gripped the rough material of his jeans as you fought for air. 

“I know it’s hard, sweetheart, but try to relax.” Dean’s big hands enveloped your upper arms. He massaged them as he ran his thumbs across your shoulders. Your head lolled back in the crook of his neck. 

“That’s my girl,” he soothed, “Try to match my breathing.” You could feel the steady rise and fall of his chest, but no matter how hard you focused, you could not calm the urgency coursing through your body. You were fighting a losing battle against the panic churning inside you when you heard the comforting sound of Sam’s boots growing louder as he bound up the stairs. 

Sam crouched down, and you reached out a shaking hand to take your inhaler from him. “I’ve got it, baby girl.” Sam flashed you a sympathetic smile, “You just relax against Dean.”

Sam wrapped one hand behind your neck and eased the pump between your lips with the other. 

“Ready?” You nodded weakly and Sam released a puff into your mouth. Sam’s heart dropped as he watched most of the medicine billow past your lips. 

“I know it hurts, Y/N, but you have to do your best to take a deep breath.” Sam’s hand left your neck. “When you feel ready, squeeze my hand, and I’ll give you another puff, okay?”

You closed your eyes, mustering all of the strength you could and squeezed Sam’s hand. He discharged the medicine, and you took a shaky but complete breath. 

“That’s it, Y/N/N,” Sam encouraged, “Let’s do a couple more.” After two more puffs, the tension in your throat eased. Sam set down the inhaler and grabbed your other hand.

“Slow breaths, Y/N/N,” Sam lowered his head to yours, “Look at me, baby.” Sam took a deep breath in through his nose and exhaled slowly through his mouth. You followed his example and took a shaky breath of your own. 

“In: one, two three,” Sam coached, “Out: one, two, three, four, five.” He could see your face begin to relax as the medicine took its full effect. 

“Good job, Y/N/N. In: one, two, three. Out: one, two, three, four, five.” 

Sam guided you through counting your breaths until your breathing evened and returned to a normal rate.  

“How you feelin’, honey?” Dean questioned behind you, his hands still rubbing your arms. 

“Better,” you replied in a raspy voice. “My chest is still tight.”

“We’ll get you downstairs to your room and set up a breathing treatment.” Sam assured. Both brothers were surprised when you shook your head “no.”

“Sweetheart,” Dean’s voice was gentle but firm, “you need a breathing treatment.”  

“I know,” you wheezed, “Sammy’s room." 

"You want to go to my room?” Sam asked, a hint of confusion in his voice. You usually wanted Dean after a particularly bad attack. When you nodded “yes,” his heart swelled. “Of course we can go to my room, Y/N/N. C’mere.”

Sam got on one knee and scooped you up in his arms. He carried you down to his room and laid you on the bed. He turned to go prepare your breathing treatment, but you grabbed his hand. Dean saw and smiled at his younger brother. “I’ve got it,” he mouthed across the room.

Sam walked around to the other side of the bed and propped up several pillows. He took off his boots and crawled in, leaning against the headboard. He reached over and pulled you to him, lifting you onto his chest. He used a pillow to support your back, knowing that being elevated would help your breathing. 

Dean came back with your nebulizer and set it on the bed next to Sam. He filled the cartridge with medicine and attached the tubing to the mask. Dean gently lifted your head and placed the mask over your nose and mouth. He turned on the machine, and you began breathing in the mist, feeling relief almost immediately. Dean leaned in, placed a kiss on your forehead, and then looked down to his brother. 

“I’m gonna get her some water, you need anything?" 

Sam shook his head. All he needed was to know that you were okay. Dean left for the kitchen and Sam tightened his grip around you.

"Thank you, Sammy,” you muttered through the mask. Sam exhaled in amusement at your gratitude. As if there was anything he and Dean wouldn’t do to keep you safe. 

“Anytime, Y/N/N,” he placed a kiss on top of your head, “That’s what I’m here for."

Tags: @senjoritanana​

Masterlist

[xshiny]

Angst! Ghost x gn!reader

TW ⚠️ Some talk about past, blood, fighting, yelling, maybe racism?

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Everyone was back at base after a long, intense mission. Here you and him where, arguing once more. You and him have been rivals sense you arrived. Everyone was exhausted, mentally and physically. No one wanted to try n break you up, and just let y’all argue it out. It was a normal everyday argument, till he brought up a sensitive topic.

“AT LEAST I WASN’T THE CAUSE OF MY BROTHERS DEATH, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING PIECE OF CRAP!!“ His thunderous voice boomed, vibrating the very ground below you.His words hit you like a bullet to the heart, and made you stop your breath. A second later, you were able to breath again. Your eyes widen, and your heart beats faster as you try to remain calm. The topic of your brother dying because of yourself hits you hard, especially if Ghost brought it up.

"You...you dare talk about my brother!" You shouted, and turned away fuming, holding in the tears you had. You had enough of him for one day, and he went too far.

“No one asked for the truth huh? Too afraid of a little honesty?” Ghost spat back, a cocky smirk plastered on his face. “Your so caught up in the past, it seems you forgot the present.” He then leaned back, resting his back against the wall of the tent, his knees raised, and his hands folded. His gaze was sharp, and his cold, dead eyes were focused on you.Everyone was around the pair of you, looking away and trying to not get tangled in the commotion.The anger could not be held back. You came back storming at him, punching his face hard.

"You you sly hag! You have no idea what its like to lose someone on the battlefield because of yourself!" You spat, huffing as you watch Ghost fall to the ground.Ghost stumbled back and fell, not anticipating your hit. The shock of the physical attack took over, and the rest of the unit jumped to pull us apart. It took three men to hold your fury, two to hold him. He laughed as they did so, and yelled out the following.

“Oh my gosh- look at you, acting like a child and throwing a tantrum. I guess I hit a nerve.” A cold grin spread across his face, as he looked back at you. He was enjoying this all.

"You did it bad, and you know you went too far, Simon" you hiss out his name with venom in your tone, going against the soldier's restraints. His eyes narrowed, and he chuckled as he spat back.

“Oh please, you know nothing about going too far. What’s it been now, two years, and you’re still crying over the death of one person.”

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LOSE SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU" you shouted, ripping free of the soldiers as you leaped apon Ghost, tackling him down with punches to the face.The two of you hit the floor hard, and your attack continued without mercy nor stopping. The other soldiers quickly got up to try and pull you off, but you were too furious for you to really care.

Every punch you land, every time you strike at him, it let out all the pent-up rage you have in you. It felt cathartic, almost...You continue to punch him, even as he tried to push you off. He went too far, and now he has to pay for it.Finally, the other soldiers were able to pull you off of Ghost. They held you back against them, trying to prevent you from going back to him.

Your breathing was heavy, and you were still too pissed for words. For what seemed like forever, you glared at him with pure hatred. The rest of the soldiers looked at you in shock, not knowing what to do. Ghost sat back up, wiped the blood from his mouth, and chuckled.You glared back at him, his blood on your knuckles. You breathed heavy as the soldiers held you in restraints, and snarled at him, too angry for words.

Ghost stood up straight and dusted himself off, still grinning. “Oh wow, you’re really angry.” He laughed and shook his head, before spitting out a tooth. He glanced down at it and chuckled. “My, I haven’t seen that kind of anger before- even from the other men. What was it now? That I hit a nerve?”You growled at him, pulling at your restraints.

"You fucking knew what you were doing!" You hiss, baring your teeth at him as you give him a hardcore glare.

“Oh I knew alright, I always know what buttons will piss you off. Guess you have a short fuse. Don’t worry, I love pushing all your buttons, just for some fun.” He smirked and raised his arms and shrugged, brushing off his words as if it was no big deal.

"You have no heart" You grumbled, as you were beginning to be dragged away. You huff, reluctantly going along with the soldiers who held you, and give one last glare at Ghost.

“At least I have a brain.” Ghost barked back, holding his bruised face. “Oh, and by the way, you’re ugly.” He then smirked and laughed again, and turned his back to you. The others watched this entire argument, some giggling, some holding back laughs, you could tell they enjoyed this fight between you two.You rolled your eyes.

"Why, is it because I'm Asian?" You scoff, shaking your head as you continue to walk away with the supporting soldiers.A sharp inhale and a snarl left Ghost’s lips at your words. He quickly spun around and rushed towards you, only to be held back by not one, but three other soldiers.

“SHUT UP. YOU JUST HAD TO BRING UP RACE DIDN’T YOU?” Ghost was pissed beyond belief. All his words were not filtered now, anger filling every bit of his being.You snickered, walking away into the base as Ghost yells in fury. He had it coming, just like how you had it coming when he brought up your dead brother.Ghost tried to yell back more, but he was cut off as a superior soldier barked an order out.

"Alright you two, that’s enough.” He then glanced at Ghost in annoyance. “Ghost, get your sh*t together and stop being an arrogant prick. That goes for you too. If you can’t get along with one another you both are suspended. Am I clear?”

"Yes sir" you reply with a straight face, but on the inside, you were laughing away.Ghost just shook his head in disappointment, and looked at the ground. It seems he was embarrassed a bit. The soldier glanced over at him, and glanced at everyone else. He then frowned.

"Get over here, Simon. I need a word with you.”

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

A/n: I don't know if I'm missed any TW's...

Anyway, yeah I dunno how I feel about this story

[channieskies]

Don't Save Me

Pairing: (Actor)Bang Chan/Chris, Female Reader (AFAB)

Synopsis: What was with the hype behind your handsome roommate? You wanted to know, but you didn't have plans on becoming one of his damsels in distress.

Genre: Smut, Friend to ? , Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Warnings: MINORS DNI! This post contains nsfw material. Please do not interact with it if you are under the age of 18. Do not translate or repost to other sites. Mentions of alcohol, a slight hint of body image issues (if you squint), protected sex [piv] (wrap it before you tap it, folks. Safety first), oral [fem receiving], adult themes, adult language, please let me know if I missed any

Author's Note: Truthfully, this is a little angsty at the end, so reader discretion is advised. It's not too bad in my opinion, but to each his own.

Special thanks: @therhythmafterthesummer, @edanzgarden, @infamouskem For reading over this and giving me feedback, so I could post this confidently. I really appreciate the support you give me.

Word Count: 3,000+ [13 minute read time]

Disclaimer: This story does not reflect the real lives or personalities of Stray Kids. I do not know them personally. This is purely a work of fiction.

AGELESS BLOGS & MINORS DNI

There was just something cathartic about doing absolutely nothing on a Sunday morning. Lots of people referred to them as lazy Sundays for a reason, right? Yours started earlier than expected, but the early start worked in your favor. You treated you and your best friend to breakfast from this little hole in the wall restaurant, and now you are currently in the middle of a mani-pedi and face mask session. Relaxing.

"You know what she told me?" You bestie Jodie waved her freshly painted nails around dramatically as you listened intently. "She said that my mouth was way too pretty to be so fucking foul. Then she had the audacity to try and neg me" she huffed, "If I stopped talking I'd be exactly her type." She scoffed, "Well excuse-fucking-me. That bitch can kick rocks, her and her seven figure bank account.." She pretended to cry towards the end. "The verbal abuse was almost worth it. She could have funded our girls' trips. Why'd she have to be so pretentious?" Jodie had a tendency to be a little over dramatic to say the least.

"To be fair, babe, you do have a foul mouth. She wasn't wrong there. But, if she liked you for you, she'd accept that, no questions asked." You dipped your wand back in your bottle to add another layer of polish to your toes. "But it's her loss if you ask me. You're a prize, a jewel." She gasped, putting a hand to her chest.

"Aww babes, that's the sweetest thing I've heard all year. Maybe I should've tried to date you in -" she paused as a door in the apartment opened. There were faint voices and footsteps that gradually became louder the closer they got.

Your roommate emerged from the hall, hand on the small of some random girls back. "You were wonderful last night, Chris. Thanks for taking care of me." She smiled all dreamily at him as you and Jodie watched from the couch.

"It was nothing, baby girl, I'd do anything to help." She leaned in to try and peck his lips, but he turned, letting her kiss his cheek instead. You watched with a smirk on your face. These girls never had any clue what they were getting themselves into. But you enjoyed watching them crash and burn nonetheless. You were a bit of a sadist in that way.

He saw her out and only noticed the presence of other people on his way back to his room. "Good morning, ladies."

You and Jodie shared a look before you spoke, "Brought home another stray, I see, Chris. What was it this time? Her boyfriend stood her up, so you made sure to fuck her till she felt loved?" Jodie snickered while you genuinely waited for an answer.

"Cute." He smirked at you, leaving you answerless as he returned to his room with a soft click of his door closing.

"Look, you know I only swing that way on occasion. But I have to say, your roommate is fucking hot. Like the sun colliding with the rest of the stars in the universe. A fucking Supernova."

You laughed at her antics. She was jumping on the couch to get her point across. "I mean… yeah, he is. But he's also a fuck boy with a savior complex. There is a new face in this apartment every other day it seems, and trust and believe, all of them have issues. His life isn't complete without saving some hapless bimbo and dumping her off on our doorstep the next morning."

Jodie's nose wrinkled at your words, but you continued anyway. "I'm surprised he doesn't wear capes out every night."

She chuckled at you. "Someone sounds bitter." She pursed her lips after singing her words.

"As if." You threw a pillow at her, but she dodged it.

"Missed me." She stuck her tongue out at you, then laughed.

It wasn't that you had something against Chris and his need to help out anyone in need. That was actually a good trait to have. No, your problem lies with his projects constantly invading your space. Though a shared bathroom was the least of your problems when you let him move in, your thoughts never went to him bringing strays home every other night.

Not when he seemed to be the boy next door who was wholesome upon first meeting. What made things worse for you was when these technical one night stands would have the audacity to ask why you were in your own apartment. Or ask what your intentions for their man of one night was.

One girl even went as far as to contact you at work to tell you to back off. Unhinged behavior, if anyone asked you. What was he doing to the girls to make them act this way? It couldn't have been the kindness. He was genuinely nice to everyone. And you meant, everyone. Even people who you would've considered less than deserving, he gave them a chance and, for some, multiple chances. And while he is very handsome, handsomeness isn't something that would make someone go batshit crazy. At least you hoped that was the case. It had to be the dick. There was no other possible explanation.

Chris was one of your closest friends. Even though you started off as just roommates, you quickly became close. Finding that you had a lot of common interests in music, movies, and fashion.

Truthfully, you'd never been so close to a man who wasn't your boyfriend before. He was honestly different from anyone you'd met before, and you absolutely adored that about him.

"Are you completely sure that I should be your plus one for this?"

You were in a fitting room, trying on a dress that he was buying for you to be his date to a premiere. "Who else would I take? You're the only person I considered beautiful enough to be on my arm." He spoke jokingly, even if he was being completely honest.

"Christopher, stop lying to yourself. We both know how hot that girl you picked up at the bar last week was. Hell, if you hadn’t hit on her, I might have." To you, she was absolutely his style. Beautiful and damaged.

"I mean, she was okay. But she's not you." You poked your head out the curtain, making sure to keep your lack of clothing hidden.

"Seriously, Chris…" You deadpanned. "Stop it. We both know she'd look far better in the dress than I do." You closed the curtain to finish adjusting your dress, making sure no bits were showing.

He'd been frowning at his phone since you brought the girl up, but his face softened when you stepped out. You adjusted the beading on the shoulders and smoothed your hands over the black, silky fabric on the hips.

"I mean, heels are necessary…" You lifted up on your tiptoes. "But I think I like it." You turned a little, showing off just how the fabric fit your body.

Chris was speechless. All the words he had previously thought to say had all died on his tongue.

"Is it bad?" You immediately started to panic due to his lack of verbal confirmation. "I can find another one if this doesn't look good." You started for the dressing room, hand on the curtain when he stopped you.

He could have sworn he had never moved that fast in his life. One second he was sitting. The next he was up, pulling you back, flush to him, hand on your hip to stop you from leaving. You made eye contact in the mirror.

"It's perfect. You… you're perfect." His words melted your anxiety. "I don't think any other dress will do you justice. This is the one.." He smiled, causing you to reciprocate.

"All you had to say was 'It's fine, Y/n.' That would have sufficed." He chuckled, then leaned in to peck your temple.

"No, I think my response was just fine." That dress was by far one of the most expensive things he had ever purchased for a woman that wasn't his mother. But with the way it looked on you and the smile on your face while you wore it? It was worth it. He'd give anything to keep that smile on your face.

Work was kicking your ass. Long days of staring at a computer screen, answering customers' questions about high-speed internet options, wouldn't have been your first pick. But it paid your portion of the rent and kept food in your refrigerator.

After a particularly long day, you kicked off your heels at the front door and grabbed a beer out the fridge. Leaning against the counter as you took your first refreshing swig. "Long day?" You nearly choked hearing your roommates voice. You must have been so out of it you didn't see or hear him come out of the bathroom.

You wiped your mouth with the back of your hand, "That obvious?" Your eyes landed on him as he slotted himself in the space next to you, towel around his waist, fresh from the shower. You quickly averted your eyes, suddenly finding the countertop very fascinating.

"I mean, you don't usually come in and drink without taking off your work clothes first. So, yeah." Chuckling, he continued, "Everything alright?" He asked.

You hummed. "Just burnt out, I guess. I got an email about retirement benefits today, and it just kind of made me realize that selling internet packages might not be what I want to be doing in twenty or thirty years."

He puffed out a small laugh. "That's what made you realize that?"

You playfully nudged him. "Oh, shut up. We can't all do what we love and be kind of successful at it. It just doesn't happen for everyone like that." Chris had been acting since childhood. He had a string of successful commercials and short films.

He had recently gotten the call to be the second male lead in a Netflix drama. He'd be flying out soon to start filming. "It could. If you want it, that is."

You tilted your head, face scrunched in confusion. "We can't always get what we want, Chris." You scoffed, just now noticing how close he was to you.

"I think we can if we put in the effort." He shrugged, “Knowing what you want and going after it wholeheartedly is key.” he leaned in closer, his warm, peppery scent invading your senses.

You gulped but covered it with a chuckle. “I don’t know what I want.” You picked at the label on the beer bottle. “Can’t chase after something when you don’t know what that something is.”

He softly grabbed your chin to make you look at him, "We can figure it out together." The way his eyes sparkled as he talked seemed to pull you in. The next thing you know, your lips are on his. It felt like longing. Like both of you had wanted this forever.

He cupped your face, thumbs rubbing over your cheekbones. His touches and kisses were both very soft, lulling you into this cocoon of safety. He lifted you on the countertop and slotted himself between your legs. There was something comforting about his presence, something that made you feel like you were wrapped in the warmest of blankets.

You both pulled away from the kiss, trying desperately to catch your breath. He stripped you out of your shirt, tossing it somewhere between the kitchen and entrance. His lips were soon back on yours before migrating down to your neck to your chest. He left light bites on your skin, making it down to your breasts where nibbles soon became full of bite marks.

He didn't even bother getting rid of your bra. He just pulled the cups down enough to free them to have his fill. He took his time, plush lips circling over your bud, tongue swirling around it before teeth sunk into it. He was soft, then rough, just to be soft once more, and you were loving every bit of it.

You worked your fingers into his hair, lightly tugging the strands. He groaned. Did he like having his hair pulled? You tested the waters again, tugging a little harder this time. He pulled away from your breasts, but not without dragging his teeth over your nipple. "Unless you like it really rough, I suggest you stop." Your brow rose, intrigued.

He pinched your nipple, his eyes boring right into yours. "We can try that some other time." What made him think you'd be crazy enough to do this again? But then again, all the girls eventually came back. So he must be doing something right. Curiosity got the better of you, and you tugged the towel, watching it fall. Your mouth might as well have dropped to the floor with it.

"Well, I'll be damned." No wonder these girls were absolutely obsessed with this man. He was huge. "All this time?" You questioned, more so to yourself than him.

"Eyes up here." He grabbed your face again, making you look him in the eyes. "Keep your eyes on me." You didn't know what it was about his voice that made a shiver run down your spine, but it did. You nodded, complying almost immediately.

He pulled you off the edge a little before lightly pushing your shoulder to lie back. Off went your slacks and panties, probably landing wherever your shirt was. He continued his trail down your stomach to your mound, where he placed an open-mouthed kiss there. He made his descent, and the first lick felt like a shock of lightning. It felt like his tongue covered your whole pussy.

Your head fell back as you moaned. His breath danced along your lips as he moved from your cunt to your clit, seemingly savoring the taste. He moaned around your bud, sending chills through you. It really felt like you'd ascend from the way he used his mouth.

Like your soul would just leave your body, just to watch the sensual things that man could do with his tongue. When he dipped his thick tongue inside of you, you could help but cum for him. The way he wiggled it, lapping up every drop of you, you had no choice but to give in.

Your toes curled, your hands gripped at the edge of the countertop, moans ringing out and bouncing off the way. The sound of a starved man came from between your legs as he cleaned you up. He lapped you up while you rode out your climax, legs finally closing around his head. He chuckled and effortlessly pulled them apart. He placed kisses on his way back up to your lips. Leaving a peck on every little bite mark he had left on the way down.

He let you taste yourself as he leaned in for a heated kiss. His hand roamed your body before settling on your waist. He pulled back and looked you in the eyes, seemingly searching for consent. You nodded. With one keep swoop, he picked you up and carried you over to the couch, laying you back on the plush surface.

Your head lightly hits the armrest, making you laugh. "Sorry. Are you okay?" He looked over at you before pressing a kiss to the crown of your head.

"I'm fine, Chris. You don't have to try and save me from every little inconvenience, I promise I'll be alright." He chewed on his bottom lip, looking as if he wanted to retort, but he didn’t.

He silently reached past you and dug into the side table drawer, pulling out a condom. "You just have random condom hidey holes?" You looked around to see if he could be hiding them anywhere else.

"Not really." You gave him a suspicious look as he tore the packaging and rolled the condom on. He lined himself up to your entrance and pushed in. The stretch was something you hadn't felt before. How in the hell were people taking this? You bit down on your bottom lip to suppress any strange noises you might have made. He noticed

Chris was kind and hated to see people in pain or upset. He always seemed to try and help, no matter what. So seeing you, his roommate, a friend in pain, pulled on his heartstrings like no other. He leaned in, pressing kisses to the side of your mouth, your jaw, and then your neck. The soft, open-mouthed kisses had you melting. You relaxed. Making it easier for him to slip in. Once he bottomed out, you draped your arms around his neck. Fingers playing with the duck tail of hair at the back of his head.

He kept his eyes on you, focused. His thrusts started slow. Building up a pace to where you could feel every single last vein and inch of skin. Despite the initial struggle, he was like a perfect fit. Your walls wrapped around him like a tight glove. He pecked your lips, then your cheek. "You're amazing, you know that, right?"

You chuckled, not buying into his words. "I'm sure you say that to all the girls you have the pleasure of being balls deep in." He shook his head but didn't bother replying.

It felt like his thrust got a little deeper, like he had something to prove. You could feel your wetness being drawn out with each push of his hips. Your eyes rolled back, walls quivering around his length. You stuttered out a curse, trying your best to stay composed. But this man was hitting something so deep in you that you felt you could see stars. You clawed at his forearms desperately. "Faster… please.." You begged. If he made you cum like this there was no telling how your body would react.

He changed his position, putting one of his feet on the floor and pushing your legs in towards your chest. If you wanted him to go faster, he'd oblige. But you didn't specify how much faster. He sped up just a little, but the way he started pounding into you made everything worse.

"Oh.. God…" you groaned out, legs starting to shake for how good it felt. How good he felt. He hadn't taken his eyes off you. Sweat was beginning to pool at his brows, some curls sticking to his forehead.

Your walls clenched around him involuntarily, causing him to whine. He had kept up the façade that this was doing nothing to him. But that couldn't have been far from the truth. The way your walls gripped him, the sounds you were making, the look on your face, how wet you were, and how this was all because of him.

He wanted to make you feel good. Because it was you. Only because it was you. He licked his thumb and started rubbing your clit in harsh circles. You grabbed the armrest, attempting to run away. But he wasn't having that.

He leaned in, pushing your legs even further towards your chest. He felt impossibly deep now. Now, you couldn’t run or hide from him even if you wanted. You were trapped. Forced to stare him in the eye as he rearranged your atoms just to put them back together again. There was just something in the way he looked at you that you couldn't shake. It once again felt like longing. Like he wanted to tell you something that you wouldn't believe. Like he loved you.

You quickly shut your eyes. There was no way you wanted to get caught up in whatever spell he was putting on all the other girls he was fucking. You didn't want to become a crazy girl statistic right here in your own house, on your own couch.

"Look at me… please." He sounded so soft, so sweet, but yet, so sad. Against your better judgment, you did as asked, looking him right in the eyes. Things seemed to go on like this for an eternity until he hit a spot that made your toes curl. He leaned in, kissing you passionately as you came around him.

Your nails dug into his neck and shoulder, making him groan through gritted teeth. He wanted to make it last, and he honestly tried his best. He didn't want the moment to end. He fucked you through your orgasm, just to pull out and cum on your mound and lower stomach. He caught himself before he collapsed on top of you. "W-was that okay....?" It seemed as if his confidence and charisma were at an all-time low.

The air became awkward after you both caught your breath and came to the realization of what you had done. "We.. we shouldn't have done this." You sat up, pulling away from him completely. "I don't know what got into me." You now understood how he could be with so many different women. He felt like comfort personified.

You got up from the couch and started to pace. "Oh my gosh, Y/n, what have you done?" You mumbled to yourself. How could you have let this happen? Regret washed over you immediately. Chris was supposed to be your friend, not someone you found this type of comfort in.

Chris was quiet. He wanted to hug you, comfort you, but you were going through emotions because he couldn't keep his to himself. See, he was in love with you, always had been. But despite him trying his best to show you how he felt, he always went unnoticed. When you started to casually date other people, he fell into the cycle he's in now. Finding comfort in whatever woman that needed the same thing. That's how he got the reputation he has now.

The crazy part was, that most of the time he didn't even sleep with them. He was just a shoulder to cry on, someone that gave great advice from a male's perspective. But the damage to his reputation, being know as a sweet playboy had already stuck. There was nothing he could do about it.

"I know we can't take it back… but let's pretend this never happened? Okay?" You were pleading with him. Asking for a clean slate. Begging for what had been done to be undone. He nodded, eyes shifting to the spot where you were just under him in the throws of passion. His heart clenched. It was breaking.

"I'm so sorry, Chris.." With nothing left to say, you ran off to the bathroom to clean yourself of your indiscretions. You left him there. Alone. You didn't dare look back. Your heart wouldn't be able to take it. Because you did indeed have a heart that you were trying to protect. Even if you might have just broken his.

Chris sat on the couch for what seemed like hours. Truth be told, he really did like you, and he really hoped that maybe something could come out of this. Maybe you'd realize that he had been pining after you this whole time. That he really only had eyes for you. But it seemed that his feelings would stay unnoticed. You'd never reach out a hand and pull him from the abyss he had fallen in. That he would continue to fall at high speeds with no parachute. That you'd never save him.

Fin

A.N: Please reblog, leave a like, or comment to let me know how you feel. I'd love a little feedback. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it.

[Rewrites, Reposts, and Translations are Prohibited]

[badaziraphaletakes]

In which some poor innocent unsuspecting reader submitted an ask and I respond by throwing an entire textbook at them

Like seriously i won’t even be upset if no one reads this PhD dissertation, like actually what is wrong with me omg

The ask:

I want to start by saying I love this account and really appreciate the rebuttals I see here to some of the messed up stuff the fandom’s spit out over the past few years. That being said, the most recent post about “the creepiest take you’ve ever seen,” was one I disagreed with strongly. It’s entirely normal to enjoy watching media where characters have breakdowns. It is not a desire to see a person breakdown. It is a desire to watch a good story.

(Edit: Just realized I somehow omitted to include the full text of the ask here. I apologize for the error! Will fix it soon. -Mod X)

My response:

Hi and thank you for your kind words! (Also idk why there is this huge gap in the text here, sorry haha!) If it were a necessary part of the story, or a part of the story that made sense, I would agree. But it’s not necessary (esp not at this point in the story) and therefore wouldn’t be “good”, if we are defining good art as being emotional truthful, which I imagine is a pretty uncontroversial definition.

Side note: We already saw him have this exact shattering breakdown in Uz. So that renders most of what I am about to say (and arguably some of what you have said) somewhat moot. But I’m going to continue anyway because some of the points brought up here touch on issues that I think bear re-visiting often.

It’s cathartic, it’s engaging, and it helps people who’ve been through the same thing see themselves reflected. For example, I like watching someone on tv hit rock bottom with their addiction because I’ve been through that, and seeing them finally realize they have to work on recovery and actually do it is motivating and empowering.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through that. I haven’t (although I am estranged from an entire side of my family due to alcoholism and meth addiction, which is a whole fun thing), so I can’t comment on this too much.

But addiction is not the same as an ab*sive relationship. (I do have knowledge of those, both from life experience and from my previous job in ab*se research. I edited a newsletter about family violence research for several years.) Seeing a person suffering from addiction realize they want to work on recovery, and realize that the substance they are addicted to is messing up their life, can make sense. Especially if they're in a place where they're able to work on it and have the opportunity to try to change.

But seeing an ab*se survivor “realize they need to get away from their ab*ser because they’re evil and have a breakdown about it” doesn’t make sense, because being trapped in an absive situation is not about “motivation” or what they think about the abser or even, really, about "empowerment". (Side note that word is thrown a lot to delude women into thinking our capitalist system is working for us rather than oppressing us. But I digress.) It boils down to the fact that they are in danger if they leave. The situation is not within their control.

(This next part is not directed at you, but at the general readership, in case this is helpful discussion for anyone: A lot of addictions aren’t within people's control at all either. It depends very much on the drug we’re talking about, the health of the individual, the quantity and duration of the addiction, whether the person has access to the healthcare they need to be cured, and whether there’s a way for them to get free from the broader societal dysfunctions that led to them being trapped in this situation in the first place.)

Also, with addiction, people can absolutely get past that without losing their sense of self and their identity. If they go through that kind of crisis in the process of healing from addiction, I would argue that something is very wrong. (Not with them, but with the society around them). In a best-case scenario, a person suffering from addiction would have access to the kind of mental and physical healthcare and support system that lets you get free from that without a shattering breakdown or loss of sense of self.

Besides, not everyone who has an addiction has toxic beliefs about themselves or their own identity or other people, etc etc. (Babies who are born addicted come to mind, if we want to talk about the most extreme example.) So I find the idea that addiction is down to toxic beliefs about one's self very suspect. I would argue that 95% of the time, addiction happens because your life sucks. The mental health community is starting to have this conversation about depression and anxiety - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to work on one's "limiting beliefs" and "destructive thought patterns" can only do so much to help you feel better when your whole life is shit anyway. And it can actually make it WORSE if the victim is made to believe that their depression is the fault of their "Faulty thoughts" rather than a reasonable reaction to a shitty situation. Not necessarily saying we should throw CBT out the window altogether, but I am saying that mental healthcare will be a LOT more effective when it learns to truly take the broader societal context into account. I suspect, I hope, we'll soon be having a simialr conversation around addiction.)

And that’s doubly the case for ab*se survivors. They’re not stuck in that situation because there’s something wrong with them that they need to fix. They’re stuck in that situation because there’s something wrong with the ab*ser.

Regardless of the victim’s personal worth as an individual, regardless of whether they’re a good person or what-have-you, they don’t deserve to be ab*sed.

(I'm just waiting to hear about how some therapist tells a victim to work on their "limiting belief" that they need to stay with their ab*ser in order not to be killed, and/or tells them that fearing their ab*ser will kill them is a "cognitive distortion", and tells them to stand up to their ab*ser and/or leave, and then the ab*ser kills them. But I digress.)

And the loss of self when separating from a toxic system that’s defined your whole life is a real thing some people go through. It’s not bad consider that Aziraphale could also go through that, or to want to see that experience reflected.

I want to be very clear that I don’t have the smallest objection to people wanting to see that in a show. But a. that’s not what the person was saying, and b. they were also saying it’s necessary. IT’S NOT. I can’t emphasize this enough.

Loss of self is the worst-case scenario for how something like that goes. Nothing good comes from that. That is a side effect of ab*se (because the ab*ser’s the one who says that “Everything you are is bound up in me and you’re nothing with me"), not an integral part of the process of getting away.

Trauma is not necessary for character growth.

The way these things should go is that the person is able to gradually and mindfully work through the beliefs that are poisoning them with the help of a therapist, trusted friends, etc.

I know what I’m talking about. I worked in trauma research for over seven years. Please trust me on this one.

And again, Aziraphale can’t “separate” from them anyway. There’s nowhere he can go where they won’t find him. So his beliefs are irrelevant to his situation. And if the show implies that his beliefs “need to change” as part of the earth being set free from heaven-hell’s tyranny, or that he “needs to change” in order to be free, I will be writing a strongly-worded letter to the creators.

But more importantly, *they didn’t just say giddy.* They also said apprehensive. Perhaps they’re apprehensive because they know it could be painful to watch. Or because they don’t want to see it handled poorly.

“Giddily apprehensive” sounds an awful lot like “excited” to me. I admit it is ambiguous, though, so I’ll give you that one. I maintain that the OP expressed themselves with an exceptional lack of grace, however. And fwiw, they’d be FAR from the first person to want to see Aziraphale suffer because they are mad at him. I think I have good reason to believe that's what they're getting at here, given how many people in the poster's orbit say the same kinds of things and how many other things I've seen the OP say that are along those lines. I acknowledge I should have made that clearer in my original post.

They aren’t giving this advice (if one could call it that) to a human. They’re saying they’re excited to see a character breakdown. Character arcs like that are common and enticing for good reason.

I have yet to see a reason why I should believe that the things people say about Aziraphale are different than the things they say about people in real life.

I would point you to a couple lines down where you say yourself that we respond to characters the same way we respond to real people.

Personal growth ≠ character growth.

But what makes a good character is that they act like real people.

As an audience, character growth (even negative) is engaging.

Yes, absolutely. But we can absolutely do character growth in a way that does not spread harmful mindsets or misinformation about what ab*se and recovery from ab*se looks like. In fact, I would argue that character growth can’t happen if the writer doesn’t write the characters to behave in a way that is realistic to real life.

Characters follow the same rules, though. We respond to characters the same way we respond to real people. The same general rules of personal development and so forth apply.

The idea that “Aziraphale realizes his ab*sers are terrible” is something he needs to do for his “personal development” is highly objectionable. He doesn’t need to grow in this area. He just needs his ab*sers to leave him alone. Side note: We should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he already does think they’re terrible and only stays with them because he is terrified. Even if this hadn’t been strongly and frequently hinted at in every episode going all the way back to S1E1 - almost every scene, in fact - we should still give him the benefit of the doubt.

Also, even if we say, for the sake of argument, that Aziraphale was a terrible, awful, horrible person - I know you’re not saying that, to be clear - even then, he still wouldn’t “need to realize his ab*sers are terrible” or “have a complete breakdown” or “lose himself” in order to grow. That's not how growth works. The best growth happens when people are at peace and safe and loved. Not frightened and confused and alone. He never chose them in the first place, he never wanted to be on their side. If he were left alone, he would just spend the rest of eternity reading his books and eating Eccles cakes and snuggling with his former-demon. That’s who he really is. There’s nothing about him as a person that needs to change. I agree a story where a person loses their sense of self after escaping from an ab*sive system would be interesting to watch, but I maintain that it does not make sense for the context of this particular story. And, such a story would NEED to make clear that the person wasn’t bad or wrong for deriving some part of their sense of self from the ab*ser and that they shouldn’t have had to have a catastrophic breakdown in order to develop their own sense of self. No one should have to go through that.

It’s not the same thing as asking for personal growth from a real human being.

Good characters do not operate according to different emotional and psychological rules than we do, though. If they didn't, we wouldn’t have millions of people sobbing about how real Aziraphale and Crowley feel to them. We would be the biggest dodos in the world if we were reacting this way to paper dolls 😄

Comparing the desire to see a character go through a dramatic storyline like that (and to come out of it strong and shining) to fundamentalist rhetoric is… just total bullshit.

You said this blog has been a good place for you and I want it to continue to be that way for you. So I want to give you a chance to revisit this part and see if you can say something more constructive. Because I've gotta admit, this really made me upset and I can't let it go without saying something. It’s not cool to call someone’s commentary “bullsh*t” like this.

I heard the line “we must die to ourselves” many, many times from the high-control religion of my childhood. It is a classic cult line. Hence why so many cults have "burial and rebirth" rituals, make people change their names, etc.

I am not just making up a comparison. This is a real phenomenon. Controlling ab*sers are the ones who’ve given us this idea that “death of the self” is character growth. It’s not. Character growth happens in spite of those excruciating emotional crises, not because of them.

Growing as a person is supposed to feel good overall. Not always easy, but on the whole, it should be a positive experience.

Also - Again, they said he “needs” to do it.

And they didn’t say anything about Aziraphale “coming out strong and shining”. You added that in. I think it's wonderful that you want to see that for him (so do I) but that’s not what this person was saying

If they'd said that, I wouldn't object to it at all. But they didn't. That part was left out. Which I think may be very telling in itself.

There are a myriad of reasons someone could have that desire, including having gone through something similar themselves.

Having gone through something similar doesn’t necessarily mean it makes sense for another character. It also doesn’t mean it’s necessary. And having been through something that went a certain way does NOT mean that it happening that way makes sense for someone else.

Deconstruction from a religious upbringing is different from leaving an ab*sive relationship

Aziraphale doesn’t have religious trauma. (I’m not going to talk much about religious trauma and deconstruction here, because it’s outside the scope of this blog, largely because - as attested by no less an authority than Neil Himself - Good Omens is not about religion. But I’ll say a little bit.)

Heaven and hell are not a “religion” in his world - they’re real. His fear of hell (and of heaven) is absolutely, one hundred percent, completely legitimate and appropriate, and NOT something he should be “reasoned” out of. Saying otherwise gives “your ab*ser isn’t actually that evil and scary”. But regardless, in either scenario, that kind of traumatic personal crisis is not a necessary part of the healing process. My heart aches for all the people whose deconstruction process was emotionally shattering. But what makes it ache even more is how for so many of them, the takeaway is somehow that that kind of crisis is necessary - rather than "dear god, i hope no one else ever has to go through that kind of hideous experience to get away from their shitty religion", which surely is what the takeaway should be (assuming there even is a lesson to be learned at all from an experience like that, which is doubtful) - and they go on to demand it of other survivors and gatekeep against people who haven't gone through the exact same thing they did in the process of getting away.

How, HOW did we get to a point where so many people’s deconstruction is a fucked-up, scarring experience that we think it’s inevitable for deconstruction to be that way????? I grieve.

I know the idea of killing one’s old self is inherently wrong to many people.

It’s not about whether it’s *wrong*. If that's valid for someone and they get where they need to be - you do you. It’s about the fact that it’s painful and it’s unnecessary to the process of growth.

Furthermore, it is the kind of thing ab*sers WANT to see happen to their victims when they leave. They want victims to think that they have to have that kind of crisis if they want to leave them. Because then they’re less likely to leave. When we encourage that kind of thinking, we are playing directly into their hands.

What should happen is that the victim should be given the opportunity to realize that all along there was much more to them than their ab*ser.

I don’t personally desire to watch Aziraphale do that, especially because there are so many wonderful aspects of the Angel he’s been since the beginning

Agreed.

But fwiw, this is giving a faint whiff of perfect victim syndrome. Even if he were an asshole, he still deserves to just have his ab*sers leave him alone, not to have some kind of shattering, soul-crushing emotional breakdown. They will always, always be worse than him.

but it’s not wrong to want to see that. People do go through it, and their stories are incredibly compelling.

I don’t disagree. For me it’s rather about the place this is coming from. OP was saying it’s necessary. There’s a difference between wanting to see a show address this issue overall because it’s interesting, and demanding that a specific character go through it because you think it’s necessary, or that their process of leaving and healing won't be legitimate (or whatever word we wanna use) if it doesn't happen.

And, as you said, it doesn’t make sense for Aziraphale. If the character is an asshole, I’d be able to see it a little more (although again, I still very much question the entire idea in the first place) But he's not an asshole. I find anyone’s thinking it “makes sense” for him to be highly questionable.

I know Aziraphale is much more than a character to many people

Speaking as a (very, very, very slightly, lol) professional writer and actor - every character should be “more than a character”, if they’re well-written. They should feel real if the writer and/or actor has done their job well. I like NG's line that "If you write someone who is utterly and completely themselves, you get people coming up to you and going 'Oh my God, you wrote my life!'

a desire to watch him go through a psychological breakdown is not some poorly concealed desire to watch real people go through that.

It may or may not be. I agree that it isn't always.

In this person’s case, though, I very much did get concerning vibes. Poorly concealed. (As an ab*se survivor, you start to know the vibe of victim-blamers after awhile.)

Regardless, though, the way we respond to characters is the way we respond to people in real life. Story is a primary vehicle through which people learn how to interact with one another and their environment. If it wasn’t, discussing media along these lines would be pointless, and I'd just spend all my time talking about how good David Tennant looks in those tight pants 😁 Or, probably, I would take up a different hobby altogether.

I wouldn’t have wasted my time starting this blog if the things people say about this story and especially about Aziraphale didn’t have real-world applications (not to mention making a lot of ab*se survivors feel very unsafe in the fandom - before we turned off anonymous asks, I got an average of two messages a day from ab*se survivors and other oppressed people telling them how this blog has made them feel so much safer in the fandom) - and if their views about the characters didn’t mirror the kinds of things they’d say about people in real life. (All the anti-Aziraphale autiphobic takes come to mind.) I flatter myself I have enough judgment that those takes wouldn't have troubled me so deeply if they weren't reflective of real-world societal problems and indicative of problematic attitudes in the people who write them.

In this case, the wording is identical to the kinds of problematic things people say about real-life victims/survivors. Yes, the person may not actually consciously want (or want at all) to see real-life ab*se victims/survivors suffer. But I absolutely, one hundred per cent guarantee you that anyone saying this has some major problematic biases/assumptions that are contributing to how ab*se survivors are maligned, degraded, and oppressed in our society. (I never want to see Disabled people suffer, but if I say ableist things, I’m contributing to it whether I mean to or not. I may not want to see women suffer, I am a woman, well more or less anyway lol, and I've identified as a feminist my entire adult life, but nevertheless there have certainly been times in the past when I've said sexist things. It's something all of us will always have to be vigilant against in ourselves. I suspect at this point I'm preaching to the choir, because you do not strike me at all as a bigoted or ignorant person, but I figured I'd re-iterate all that again anyway, because screaming it through a megaphone as often as possible is what this blog is for lol. :)

And what’s worse, they are spreading that rhetoric. I’ll be damned if I’ll let it go by without saying something.

Hope this makes sense and cleared some things up.

With love and respect,

Mod X.

[indigostudies]

so, you're taking a class and you hate it: how to make a bad class suck less

as i struggle through my spring quarter classes, i thought i may as well make a post about something currently relevant to me: taking classes that you don't like.

maybe you're taking a degree or distribution requirement; maybe you signed up for a class because it's exactly in your field of interest, but the professor is a really bad lecturer (not that this is personal experience or anything); maybe, you just...........don't enjoy your class for whatever reason.

so, you have two options: drop the class, or continue on.

since you're reading this post, i assume you can't drop the class for whatever reason—something from above, or maybe something else. i'm not going to judge you! but here's some things that, in my experience, have made bad classes, well, less bad (in no particular order).

one: find ways to make your time before and after the class in question as enjoyable as possible. likely this class drains your energy horribly—so doing something that makes you happy or calms you down before the class, and something to destress afterwards, you'll feel a bit better almost immediately. this can, in my experience, take me from hating an entire day of my week, to being frustrated but able to deal with it. examples of things i do, depending on my energy levels and time:

take a nap

read some of a book

draw

take a walk

write

two: schedule your week so you finish everything up until the day of the class (both for that class and your others) before the day of the class. for me, there's nothing more stressful than getting out of my second to last class, and realising i still have to do five types of homework before i can even think of relaxing or calming myself down about the class i'm dreading—assuming i even have any time to do so! this is a more long-term strategy, so if you can, you should start to do this as soon as possible. for me, this looks like making to do lists on my blog to keep myself accountable, or setting alarms to remind myself to do things (since i'm not very good at keeping a planner).

three: talking to your friends or family! the power of complaining before or after a really draining experience can be very cathartic. oftentimes, your friends or family will be very sympathetic to your frustrations. they can also help distract you if you need it!

four: somewhat similar to one—reward yourself for making it through the class! on wednesdays after my dreaded class, i buy myself a cookie and watch bad book reviews, because i am both food- and gossip-motivated.

five: keep on top of classwork. if nothing else, you have to make sure you don't fall behind in your least favourite class. it'll make everything feel fifty times worse. if you have a required presentation and a final project, start working on them or thinking about what/how you're going to do them as soon as you find out about them. get these done as soon as possible, or at least start working on them, so that when the due-date approaches you don't panic.

hopefully my experiences will help you!

[mr-payjay]

feel free to complain to me about the ii finale <3 i'm all ears

thank you ellie :)

fair warning for ii neg, especially on the latest episode.

prefacing this with saying: I LOVE INANIMATE INSANITY!!!!!! inanimate insanity is my favourite show in the world and every episode leaves me full of joy and excitement. i adore criticizing it not out of hatred but out of genuine love. i enjoy every single episode i watch.

however, i find that iii19 has been the worst episode so far. it has gotten me the least hyped out of any episode in the series, which is saying a lot because i bounce off the walls at every episode no matter how much i end up criticizing it later. there are. so many problems i have with it. im gonna try and organize them the best i can, though i'll probably(?) edit this post later to insert anything i missed or forgot to say.

starting off positively: oj!!!! personally i am so glad he didn't talk in this episode. i was terrified of the idea of him having a new va. the spin was adorable, i loved his signature thumbs ups, and every time i saw him i squealed with delight. him voting for balloon also made me really happy! despite the grudge he's had against him for so long, he still sticks with him on this part. even after laughing at his death the episode before that

in general all the seasonwunners voted for balloon!! which makes me happy!!! paintbrush, nickel, balloon, and oj have all been there for the very beginning of season 1, three of them being there for every season. i love the inherent connection the contestants from season 1 have with each other. they've been together since inanimate insanity began and they're there for the end of season 3 too. very sweet.

onto more negative stuff! I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE WHAT THEY DID WITH SILVER SPOON AND CANDLEEE they set up something crazy in the last episode and then did NOTHING with it!!! they had silver spoon beat candle unconscious the second she said something that wasn't coddling him like the manchild he is and she STILL voted for him. where even was she for half of the episode?? they just left her lifeless corpse on the ground in iii18 and then she eventually got up in this episode and just. went back to the competition??? dogshit writing

okay now i wanna talk about cabby. I Don't Like Cabby Anymore. so from the very beginning i have loved cabby. she was extremely similar to me in fact! i have really bad memory issues and i tend to keep files on people and on things that i might forget about, as well as just to organize my thoughts and ideas. i loved her confidence, obsession with knowledge, and analytical personality at the start. i was pretty upset when the characters (mostly test tube lmao) started relentlessly bullying her, and i HATE the whole thing in spring on the breakfast where they try to demonize her files. it was kind of annoying when they tried to remedy it really quickly after that because it was clearly because of the backlash, but i was glad they at least tried to fix it. however, over the course of the series, she just felt like she was... becoming sadder? pitiful, honestly? she went from an awesome smart character who loved taking notes on people's behaviour and using that information to get better at the game into some kind of Sad Little Bullied Victim. she doesn't even feel like a character anymore to me, just a mouthpiece for the creators to write dramatic "cathartic" speeches through to prove they're Definitely Not Ableist. also what was the deal with her parents lmao they never brought that up again

aaaand this episode was generally written really badly. super fucking corny for one. they literally had a little dance party at the end like people make jokes about for stereotypical Kids' Shows. but my issue is more with like... the weird super fast character development? and the way they wrapped everything up as quickly as possible? something that bothered me was the tonal whiplash between zuwie voicing springy super hysterically and dramatically and then springy being fully redeemed within like the next 5 minutes and dying for mephone. Why did they even die for mephone. like as a character why would he of all people die for mephone. thats so fucking stupid. the rest of the voice acting felt completely different from springy's as well so it just made the effect worse. everyone's lines were really corny and felt so manufactured, like they would pull characters to mephone's side (losing my mind over all the contestants rooting for mephone like cmon man that guy sucks i just know oj at least would want him dead) with a short Cathartic Speech and everything would be fixed and lovely and peachy keen. its just painful to watch. everything feels really weirdly disjointed and badly put together, the flow is awful, the "danger" doesn't feel like there's any suspense to it at all, and every character gets fully redeemed for no good reason. even walkie talkie chats casually with mephone at the end as if they're good friends after they were HYSTERICALLY INSISTING ON MURDERING HIM? AND MAKING HIM WATCH HIS OWN DEATH?? idk if this will get explained in s2 but we still don't know who walkie talkie is, what their motive is, WHY they got redeemed, etc. we know nothing about them. and even if it will be explained later, i think it's shitty writing that NOTHING was explained in this season.

some extra stuff

- SO FUCKING GLAD THEY DIDN'T BRING HOTEL OJ INTO THIS I WOULD'VE CRIED IF THEY PUT SEASON 3 CHARACTERS INTO HOTEL OJ OR MADE IT ALL SLEEK AND S3 STYLE

- the "you can do this" thing at the end was fucking stupid man that was so corny (btw corny isn't always bad but jesus christ... this episode was just awful with it)

- could not feel any emotion towards the Emotional Parts but laughter and secondhand embarrassment

- HOW DID THEY GET THE FUNDING FOR A LIBRARY? I THOUGHT THE PROBLEM WAS THAT MEPHONE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING FOR A PRIZE HOW DID HE PAY FOR AN ENTIRE LIBRARY

- speaking of, why isn't oj back at the hotel. doesn't he have to manage it. wasn't paper having a ton of trouble managing it. why are all of them still on that fuckass island. did the library take like 5 minutes to build what the fuck

- ALSO!!! Why did they build a library in the middle of a deserted island

- i liked the short nickloon scene because im a nicklooner

- glad yinyang and candle got to talk

- test tube saying nearly nothing at all the entire episode except for sitting on the ground in a really stupid pose and apologizing to cabby made me laugh

- weirded out by tt and fan not talking to each other at all? not as a ship thing but like they're best friends aren't they

- really fucking annoyed by the fantube family picture at the end i hate fantube family leave that grown ass adult (bot) alone

- glad they didn't canonize any ships i was so scared about silvercandle and fantube

- 4s scene and s1 flashback was cool i love s1 so i got excited

- aaaaand i think my misogyny thread is relevant again. i should update it sometime because ii has only gotten worse about it lmao

- didn't like them making clover stupid for some reason like "is he talking about me?" come on

- oj not talking in these last two episodes is so glaringly unusual because he's never been able to shut his fucking mouth for even a minute

[thelikesoffinn]

hello - hope you're doing great! I love your analysis, and I wanted to ask about something I've been thinking fanfic wise but also applicable to real life (I think).

So Astarion gets paired a lot with Tavs who also have tragic past experiences (hard to be at his level of tragedy, but some get close). Which is all well and good, cause I see how writing these characters and reading about them is cathartic to many, but I also see plot-wise, it makes it "easier" for him to connect with Tav in a way, kindred souls and all that.

My Tav's background is one of someone who either had a fairly good and regular life, and, if trauma occured, it's been healthily overcome. So at the beginning of the BG3 story she's actually at the end of her own initial "character" arc.

Now my issue is, can Astarion connect with someone who has no idea at all of what he went through? My idea is that's he'd infantilize her, or openly antagonise her (in his charming way) because she's got no right to understand (especially with how he thinks it's fine to be racist and hurt the weak in the first act).

And she'd be understanding and wanting to help and all, but how can people with no/little traumatic experiences connect with those who went through hell, even with the best intentions? It's a dynamic I'd like to explore, because I've seen it played in real life a few times.

Sorry for the poem!

Hello, flower! Thank you so much, I'm glad that you enjoyed the analysis ❤️

As for your question: Eh, I do see why that dynamic is a rather difficult one. People who've survived through a lot of traumata tend to be somewhat hesitant and guarded in front of those who had normal lives at the best of times, and we all know that Astarion rarely has a "best of times", especially early in the game.

Infantilising them is something I definitely see with him. He's the type to do that with anyone anyway, but especially so with those he considers "sheltered". And sheltered is likely something he inevitably will consider Tav, as that is often the case with those who experienced trauma.

Trauma tends to age and harden you, in a way, so oftentimes people who simply grew up normally, with normal ups and downs, are viewed as "sheltered" or "spoiled" by those who didn't, even if that wasn't necessarily the case. That label isn't used or assigned maliciously, and it's simply based on the fact that other people's "normal" seems like the very best to someone who had it worse.

I can also see a huge amount of antagonism, yes, but how it shows will depend on when your story is set.

Is it while he's still dependent on Tav? Then I think he'd try to refrain from being more antagonistic towards them than necessary, since he needs to stay on their good side. So, he'd likely stick with his base-line arseholeishness, if a bit more intense at times. You know, in a sense that you side eye him and wonder if he just actually insulted you or if he's still joking around.

But if he's not dependent on them? Oh boy. Yeah, very likely that he'd be extremely mean and Tav would definitely 100% know that he means everything he says, even when it's uttered with a smile. Think how he talks to the Gur hunter in act 1 because let's be honest…that was far from subtle.

Astarion as a whole doesn't take kindly to anyone prodding his weak spots, albeit he mellows a bit towards Tav over the course of the story, and if would be even worse with "sheltered" Tav. He would likely flip his shit really hard and become extremely cruel with them, staying on their good side be damned because how dare they prod where they have no business being?

It's something I've seen at work before, and let me tell you: It's never a pretty sight. Many people who experienced trauma usually don't want to hurt others - quite the contrary, a lot of them would rather sacrifice themselves before watching anyone else get hurt like they were - but that doesn't mean they're not good at it. Precisely because they're often so hypervigilant, they have a talent in picking out your weak spots and if you test them enough, oh boy. They'll hit them with such aim and grace, you'll find yourself reeling. And that's the super sweet and kind clients, not the Astarions.

Here it's important to mention that the things people say in those situations are rarely what they really believe. It's mostly is just a well aimed assassination of your soft spots to get you to back off and leave them be.

So "sheltered" Tav will have to be extremely careful regarding any sore spots if they don't want to be hit by the full force of protective-malice.

Does that mean Astarion and your Tav won't be able to bond? Aabsolutely not, but it will be a tad bit difficult because he'll likely take a lot longer to open up and their bond will have to be built entirely from scratch. The shared understanding of their trauma can’t function as a temporary foundation – temporary because a bond entirely based on [shared] trauma will eventually become instable, if not fortified by other things – so they’ll have to put in a lot of work to even get to having a solid foundation to build on.

I'll give you a bit of a general rundown on how I was taught to tackle clients like that, maybe any of that will be helpful for you!

So, firstly: "Sheltered" Tav will need to be careful and understanding and they'll have to be able to take a blow and live with it if they accidentally step to close too early.

Important to note: They'll have to be able to take a blow but they can't be too lenient either.

Astarion seems like a person who's attached to 'respect'. Not in the 'respect your elders' way, but in the sense that he treats those he respects a lot better than those he doesn't. It's the nobility’s definition of respect - some "deserve" it and some don't and who is who is entirely based on personal understanding - so it's very in line with his background.

So, while your Tav will need to be able to take a hit, they'll need to know when to call him out on his bullshit. If you let Astarion walk all over you, he will eventually lose all respect and then this is a lost cause. Don't let him push you around.

If he's being too cruel, don't be cruel back, but definitely call him out on it and let him know that he can always ask you to stop prodding but you will not stand around and let him insult you.

Be understanding, but don't be a doormat.

Then, in order to get someone to open up, you'll have to have a lot of patience. Don't demand anything, don't force anything. Every question you ask has to be careful and phrased in a way that won't corner them, which can be really difficult in casual conversation. So, mishaps can and will likely happen, which is great material for a story anyway, so that's great! (Not so great at work though, haha.)

In case of "sheltered" Tav, it's probably best if they wait for him to come to them. Listen when he rants, listen to the tiny things he mentions and if you ask questions, make sure they directly relate to what he's told you just then.

So, if he talks about Cazador essentially making him choose between eating putrid rats or getting beaten, a question like: "Did he do that a lot?" or "Was it always those two options?" could potentially be alright because the red string is easily visible for both parties. Astarion can tell why you would ask something like that and he can follow your line of thought easily.

But a question like: "What else did he do to you?" or "Did he do other things as well?" would probably have his defences going up. It's too broad, too unspecific, and how is that any of your business anyway? What is this, an interrogation? An interview so that you can ghost write his sad memoirs? Back off.

While a question like: "How exactly did those dinners go?" or "Beaten? How?" is too specific. You're practically asking him to relive a painful moment in great detail for your own "enjoyment". Why else would you want to know? Why else would you ask how exactly he'd been hurt and humiliated, if not for that? Maybe you were planning to do the same to him. He won't let you. The past is the past. Let. It. Rest.

So, as you can tell, it's basically playing question-hot-foot!

But even if your Tav should cross the lines in that regard every once in a while - it happens, every question is a gamble - it'll eventually be fine. The closer they get, the easier it will be to ask questions, because he'll realise that he can actually trust them.

The one word I would really really avoid - and I cannot stress this enough - is 'understand'. God never use it. Tav, omit it from your vocabulary, you'll never "understand" anything ever again!

"I understand what you went though was horrible, but/and/however…" - No, you really do not. You can't understand, can't even imagine what he's faced over the years so never pretend that you do.

"I won't pretend to understand what you went through, but I want to/you can trust me/I can still listen." - Always said with kindness, but that one really is nothing but an empty platitude, at best. Hearing someone say that they don't understand you so directly is never really encouraging either.

"I just want to understand you." - Great, but you don't need to know the barest parts of a person's soul to be able to understand them. If you can't do it without that, maybe you shouldn't. And, all in all, this phrasing of the last one feels really iffy anyway, personally speaking, because it has a very manipulative edge to it. 'Hey I'm just overstepping your boundaries because I want to know you and understand you better. It's all for you..." and blegh. I hate that one, but that might be totally personal so please feel entirely free to ignore this paragraph.

Anyway, as you can see…never "understand", even if it’s just meant to encourage him. Just don't. I've seen clients who asked to be transferred to a different social worker or ended up leaving completely because someone used one of those lines, so I'd really strongly advise against them.

Instead, opt for things like "I'll listen to whatever you want to say." or "Can you explain it to me?" because that way you're not lying to his face and you're leaving everything up to him. He gets to decide where this conversation goes and, more importantly, how far it goes. Not an interview, not an interrogation, but a conversation that he controls.

And well then, flower, that’s it! Of course, there’s a lot more to it, but we’d still be here by the time Baldur’s Gate 8 is released if I went over every tiny thing, but I hope this was enough of an overview to help you build your story 😊 If you end up sharing it, don’t be shy to let me know, I’d be excited to check it out because, as you said, it’s a really interesting dynamic that isn’t explored as much as it should be. It’s a difficult dynamic, but it is so rewarding to write, read and experience. I wish you all the best ♥

[cilil]

What would the Valar’s reaction be to a modern woman from our world showing them D&D? Who’s going to be really into the game?

𝓐𝓝 ~ Oooh very interesting question! Thanks a lot for the ask, I had so much fun thinking about this ^^

𝓕𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 ~ All the Valar! I couldn't resist... Enjoy!

In general, I think that all the Valar would be at least curious, if not excited to hear about the games modern humans play and try it out for themselves, considering how the Ainur have always been looking forward to interacting with the Children of Ilúvatar.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Manwë

As a poet and writer, he's immediately in love with the concept of collaborative storytelling. You can expect elaborate worldbuilding and character backstories from him (especially ones that involve reconciling with an estranged sibling) and he loves to write small side stories and fanfic about the cast. Manwë also wouldn't mind being the group's forever DM once he learns how to run a game.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Varda

Being less excitable than her husband and not always in a playful mood, Varda may choose to watch at first, but she's certainly intrigued by the concept of D&D and she enjoys the mathematical aspects of it, always calculating everybody's chance of success. Once she decides to play, she may surprise the other players with how ruthless and cunning she can be - a menace both in political intrigue and combat-heavy campaigns. Varda also loves seeing Manwë and the others having fun.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Ulmo

Ulmo in particular is always very fond of the Children and the things they come up with. He too may be hesitant to join in at first, but he's always down to do some voice acting or provide some tasteful background music. If he joins the group, he'll probably need the occasional explanation and reminder how things work on land and that his character might not be able to swim as well as he can (keep an eye on him especially if he plays a class that uses armor).

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Aulë

If he isn't sold on the game immediately, he will be once you tell him that he can play a dwarf. Aside from storytelling, combat and roleplay, Aulë swiftly becomes fond of everyone's favorite shiny math rocks and is more than happy to make custom dice for everybody's characters, satisfying all their dice goblin needs. Important note for the DM: Aulë is an inventor and (in)famous for creating his dwarves in his workshop - do not let him play an artificer if you value your sanity.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Yavanna

Whether she's aware of tree hugger stereotype or not, she has absolutely no shame and will indulge her preferences by playing nature-based classes such druids or shamans and finds it cathartic to bring nature's wrath into battle in ways she can't in real life. Aside from indulging the occasional destructive or vengeful impulse, Yavanna may default to being the party mom, fiercely protective and supportive of everyone involved in and out of game.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Vána

Vána loves the concept of the game and is eager to play. Once she learns the basics, she gets really into character and is excited to play with ideas that are very much unlike the flower girl persona people expect from her, always remaking and reinventing tropes and archetypes that catch her fancy. Like Manwë, you can expect her to never miss a game and be very passionate about it.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Oromë

Talking about and imagining slaying monsters instead of actually doing it isn't exactly to Oromë's liking, but he isn't opposed to indulging in a fun tale of adventure on cozy evenings at the campfire. After he's been sufficiently introduced to D&D culture, memes and inside jokes, he embarks on a personal side campaign to prove to everyone just how cool his personal brand of ranger can be.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Tulkas

Similar to his good friend Oromë, Tulkas isn't fond of activities that involve sitting still. His creativity and imagination isn't the best either, but at least he's always willing to play frontline and martial classes, which will come in handy especially in groups where most players have their sights on fancy casters and/or fun support builds. Tulkas is a fun guy to be around if you don't piss him off and so are his characters.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Nessa

Like her brother and husband, Nessa also enjoys being active. If she decides to give the game a try, she's very expressive, gestures a lot and may act out small scenes if given the chance. As fun as this is during roleplay, sitting close to her during combat segments while she shows you how exactly she's smacking her enemies is not recommended, especially if she plays a monk.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Námo

Námo isn't known for his playfulness, however this doesn't mean he's opposed to engaging with the game. In fact, he quite enjoys slipping into a different role and mindset for a while - having to be the impartial judge and observer all the time can be tiring after all. Another aspect of D&D he may enjoy is, surprisingly enough, the element of randomness: His foresight allows him to know the future, but not every little detail, and a couple of dice rolls in a roleplaying game are probably not important prophecies Eru gave him. It may feel refreshing for Námo to be surprised.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Vairë

No matter how casual any given session is, Vairë arrives in full cosplay, really getting into character creation like Manwë does as well, though as usual she's more practical about it. Additionally, she keeps a cute notebook as a campaign journal in which she records all the fun little details and great moments the players experienced together. She also enjoys creating fan content for the campaign.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Irmo

Irmo has quite a vivid imagination and has always adored roleplaying, so he's immediately on board. It's by far his favorite part of the D&D experience, though he quickly finds that he enjoys combat and puzzle solving sequences as well. He's the one to initiate and drive a lot, if not most of the character interactions, helps advancing their character arcs and is just a joy to have at the table. Class-wise, he's definitely a bard player and will happily perform his songs and flirtatious lines in real life too.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Estë

It may come as a shock and surprise to the other players that Estë categorically refuses to be the party healer, at least on her first playthrough. Like Vána, she's eager to explore other roles through her characters. No matter what she decides to play, her character may strike up an in-game rivalry with Irmo's character to spice things up and both of them have way too much fun bickering.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Nienna

She most likely takes a back seat at first, letting others play the game, observing to learn the rules and quietly enjoying the stories they tell. Encouraged by her family, Nienna joins in eventually, provided she's currently in the right headspace for it (being the Lady of Grief, she sometimes feels mentally and emotionally exhausted, in which case she prefers to just sit there, relax and unwind by being in the presence of her loved ones). As a player, she enjoys roleplaying the most, but also does well with puzzles since she's a keen observer and listener.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Melkor

Well. Melkor is most certainly going to be that guy at the table. He likes to derail campaigns, especially if they're Manwë's, tests the limits of the rules (and everyone's patience) and wants kills and loot. Once he familiarizes himself with the game's mechanics, he exploits them and likes to powergame. The one concept Melkor has trouble grasping is that D&D isn't a game you play to "win". Simply put, he very much has fun, but isn't fun to play with for a lot of other players; however, if you want to play a meme or evil campaign, he's your guy.

Side note: If Melkor plays with his own friend group he may also chill out for once.

Side note 2: Don't let him DM unless, again, you want the kind of campaign he'll come up with.

Side note 3: Watch your shiny math rocks. Melkor likes shiny.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

taglist: @a-contemplation-upon-flowers @asianbutnotjapanese @a-world-of-whimsy-5 @bluezenzennie @edensrose @i-did-not-mean-to @melkors-big-tits @melkors-defense-attorney @singleteapot @wandererindreams

[skrill999]

Wow there is nothing on the invincible tag. Guess I am one of the first people to see it (I mean what kind of Loser would stay up until midnight just to see a dumb cartoon) well I did and now I want to talk about it.

Anyways Invincible S2E5 is good and I recommend it (if you like Invincible that is)

HEAVY Spoilers ahead!!!!!

"My pizza's getting cold" man we just thought it would be a fun quippy chill episode. I mean I remember when Rex said "surely there won't be two massive disasters at the same time" like Dude Rex! Don't say that! You're just setting yourself up for disaster.

They killed DupliKate!!! And Shrinking Rae!!! Nooo! I know they didn't get too much detail to their characters but I was enjoying them!! As I was watching the battle I was thinking "Surely DupliKate has a master copy that she keeps out of battle" but it the battle when I saw she was stuck in the lizards grasp I saw how scared she was and that made me realize she might not. Though now that I am thinking about it she still might but idk. Still!! For all intents and purposes they killed her!!!

Also that moment where Rex was getting the sh*t beaten out of him and Shrinking Rae came to help and she went in his mouth and Rex said

"You know she doesn't stay small"

I thought that was so cool and was just waiting for her to come out so cool and then... she didn't. That was shocking and that's when I realized just how f*cked the situation really is. It was quite interesting to see him on such a backfoot while he was fighting and panicking. Very brave I will say that. Does he even have powers? I think he can make explosives but I don't know if that's just his gadgets. That was an interesting (cathartic?) moment where him losing his hand was what took down that other guy. But wow he is so fucked. What can he even do to get out of this?

Also I don't know when Rex became my favorite character but he *surprise* did have a moment of not being an asshole. You know when he was talking to Eve and giving her a pep talk (with ulterior motives of course but still it was nice)

Also yeah on the other end of everyone is getting fucked, the A-team is also fucked but it has bigger consequences then potentially just one person dying. (Don’t get me wrong I like Rex and DupliKate and Shrinking Rae but they are just 3 people and surely there are other heroes to take care of the Lizard League, it's down to it's last member, right?) If the A-Team fail then potentially all of Earth is doomed.

It is funny to me how shapechanger really thought he was fooling people. Though when he was speaking to the Martians his speech did not come off anymore naturally so now I wonder if he is as alien to the other Martians as he is to the earthlings. It does seem like he doesn't fit in with them either.

If you have gotten through this word salad that I call my flow of thoughts immediately after watching that episode, I am impressed. There is no organization to it. Anyways I have not read the comics, nor do I ever intend on doing so (at least not while the show is coming out) so I would appreciate no spoilers. But hey I would love to hear other people's thoughts. Perhaps there will be more activity on this tag when I wake up tommorrow (or today, whatever)

I bid you all a goodnight or goodmorning and good week wait for the next episode. :)

[mumms-the-word]

so, funny story

when I was trying to get a picture of ascended Gale that I liked for my fic about, well, him ascending, I decided to speedrun the last half of act 3 in my Dani saves. I knew if I just launched from the morphic pool save I had and went to the end, Gale would reject godhood, because Dani was like “I don’t need the stars I love you as you are” AS SHE SHOULD and he was so smitten that even trying to be like “but power?” at the last minute would result in him being like “haha no are you crazy I’m a better man now” AS HE SHOULD

so I had to go with an earlier save

and in that save I decided I would just encourage him to go with godhood and skip very quickly through conversations and skip all the stuff I had to do to run to the morphic pool. we’re talking ZOOMZOOM through act 3 to the epilogue, sorry Wyll, sorry Shadowheart, there will be no Ansur or House of Grief, like bitch we didn't even talk to Raphael or crash his house we had to GO

I didn’t zoomzoom through Gale’s confrontation of Mystra because tbh god-path Gale’s spat with her in the Tabernacle scene is worth a watch, it’s very cathartic (and I think she explains things better when he’s mad at her but I digress)

but essentially the plan was to do the boat scene with Gale, go yell at Mystra, kill Orin, bop over to the brain, give it a good smack, boom epilogue

Problem: I hadn’t encountered Sarevok yet, so I couldn’t make it to Orin

now, Sarevok isn’t a super tough fight but he’s a pain and I was in a rush. so the quickest way to get the amulet of Bhaal was to…well, become an unholy assassin and kill Valeria

(Which I hate Valeria so like on the one hand, cathartic, on the other, Dani would never and Gale was AGHAST)

(Side note #2: he did immediately follow up the mention of him not approving by saying that Dani’s eyes were capable of tenderness while she was still covered in blood from the unholy assassin baptism so…………yeah)

anyways now that we’re unholy assassins (sorry Gale) we bop over to Orin. I’ve got this all planned: we’ll just blow her up.

well, no, we won’t because when Orin jumped over to where Karlach was waiting with 8 barrels of smokepowder and runepowder bomb, Orin still had 2 unstoppables, and I, like a FOOL, didn’t think to use Gale’s turn to cast magic missile to get rid of them, because I’m thinking “these barrels are going to all explode, that’s multiple hits, it’ll be fine”

reader it was not fine

I blew up the barrels and you how much damage Orin had received?

8 smokepowder barrels and a runepowder bomb took one ONE UNSTOPPABLE. BITCH WAS STILL INVINCIBLE.

and then she killed Karlach dead dead and it all went downhill from there and we all died I was out of saves so I had to reload back to the boat scene with Gale

thus began Dani’s villain era

we go yell at Mystra, we go stabbity stab Valeria (Astarion ends up in the baptism because, idk, reasons, but good for him), we bop over to Orin, we fight Orin the old fashioned way (aka with magic missiles and cloud kill and stuff), and then Dani steals her armor and turns it black and puts it on and I’m like “wait a minute she’s looking, like, really hawt”

so I put Gale in Gortash’s fit and then we went and dominated the world

temporarily of course because I did need my epilogue but like look at her

of course I was going to let her dominate the brain for a bit

so we did

and anyway I guess the lesson is let your ocs become villains together for a minute??

anyways thanks for reading please enjoy my two OOC villain babies kissing like ten feet from Orin’s dead body I guess

what if we kissed inside the lord murder’s temple

[panelshowsource]

could you make a post about all the books from comedians you own/have ordered and which are your favorites I want to buy all of them but don't know where to start ++++++++ would love to know if you know of a way to order a signed copy of David's book if I don't live in the UK

you know, in a stroke of what may be relevant information, i'm actually an editorial director by day and even used to be a literary agent here in nyc — none of which is obvious on account of my billion rushed typos and...just...general existence :) (i promise i'm supremely carefully handed in my editing!!! and have a lot of resources, at my job hahahahaha oh god maybe i shouldn't have mentioned this!!!) — but i'm really no book critic and have no idea how my tastes stack up against what a lot of you are looking for. i'm happy to share some of my general, poorly articulated internet thoughts but it may be more worth checking out goodreads or talking with others who have more experience with autobiographies (which a majority of these types of books are)!

to begin with a disclaimer, one of my friends texted me recently, "why do you only watch sad movies?" i love sad films, sad music, i love to cry, catharsis, sentimentality which is always a little self-indulgent. it's a bit ironic, because this is a comedy blog and you guys know me as someone who loves to find things to laugh about and i fill my life with so much silliness through his huge, life-long hobby, but, all the same, that is only one side of me, i guess. i'm saying this now because you're about to hear me talk briefly about a few somewhat-to-incredibly sad books and be like "oh i didn't know this what i was getting into" 😅

books i do recommend:

just ignore him by alan davies — this isn't a book review but i am self-conscious about just how i describe this book, because it's so sensitive and i carry a lot of respect for alan. at the time of publication, alan actually didn't want any of the press to know and/or discuss the most tragic elements of the book, so readers wouldn't be influenced in any direction before confronting it themselves. (it's okay to talk about now of course, and anyone should know there are major trigger warnings for death, child abuse, sexual abuse, and pedophilia.) it is a sad book about his earliest years: the complexities and nuances of male power and manipulation, of unimaginable loneliness, of a lost child. alan said it wasn't cathartic to write—that is was indeed very painful—but the vulnerability, the commitment to shirking himself of the painful silence he endured for most of his life, is exceptionally moving. alan's writing can be quite thorough, even flowery, in creating vivid places and images, so so much of the heaviness feels piercing and even disturbing. if you read other comedians' books, a decent majority of them are written in the style of standup or, say, a ted talk — with performance in mind, specific structures and beats that mimic how they'd tell these stories on stage. i would argue this is quite different to that, that while the writing is in a style and structure that benefits being read aloud this is a very different alan to alan the performer. and, very honestly, i'm really not an audiobook person, not to mention listening is a wholly different experience to reading — but the audiobook for this is phenomenal: alan narrates and, while of course it's his story so he'll tell it best, he is a very gentle, thoughtful storyteller. this will be you by chapter 4:

moab is my washpot + fry chronicles by stephen fry — the first and second of his three autobiographies covering some of the most sensational times (stephen is willing to admit) of his childhood and teen years + his rise to fame through the cambridge footlights. these are good reads for 1) stephen fry fans duh and 2) people who can enjoy the inspiration of auden, waugh, wilde, wodehouse, quintessential english writers who inform the foundation of stephen's relationship with literature and appreciation. stephen is painfully honest — and often sorry for it, apologising for what he perceives to be his shortcomings — and you can't help but feel, even early on in the first book, that his view of his own world is somehow even more subjective than everyone else's views of their own worlds. maybe it's because he's so judgmental, maybe it's his oscillating mental health, maybe it's the shocking thrust with which he was confronted with the wideness of the world...i'm not sure, but stephen's life through stephen's eyes is so very stephen-y. i think that's why we love him‚ though i can see some people loathing the less admirable sides of him, which he does show, so don't read this if you want to maintain some image of him that helps you cope or keeps you perfectly entertained. if you're not british, the fry chronicles is an especially good read to scratch some of your anglophilic interests (lotsss of namedropping and backstage chat)!

delicacy: a memoir about cake and death by katy wix — one of my recent faves and another book that isn't thoroughly funny. told in 21 vignettes either centered around or vaguely related to cake, katy talks about her school life, grief and loss, self-esteem and body image, misogyny — in ways that are just...matter of fact...opposed to lessons learned or things she's working on through therapy. she's accepted a lot, but she's also afflicted by a lot to this day; she's capably honest about where her reality stands. for this reason, it can be a bleak and certainly very raw read. i listened to the audiobook for this one, which was nice, but i much recommend the actual written book as the vignettes are in different formats (short story prose, letters, email exchanges) that often anchor time and place, intention, even the little peeks of light of comedy. katy's writing is very lovely, both my heart and mind were touched.

back story by david mitchell — a mildly vulnerable, moderately insightful, and quite humorous exploration of david's up-and-coming years. i really appreciate the premise — due a bad back and sciatica, he begins taking very long walks every day, and these walks trigger memories and anecdotes as he passes certain places — that really doesn't come off as a gimmick. it's a very easy read (or listen) and what i'd consider an uncomplicated, unproblematic bio, but it would be difficult to enjoy if you're only a casual fan of david mitchell or only like him in his most recent dad years, as it was written in his peep show heyday and is so much about those years of his life, his relationship with robert webb, etc. a good intro-to-the-genre book and the very first britcom book i read way back in 2010!

i also really enjoy graham norton's books — especially for the goss, but he's a great writer and his debut fiction novel got quite good reviews! — and tim key's books of poetry, though you really need to be a fan of tim key to read tim key :')

books i do not recommend:

before & laughter by jimmy carr — this book is much less of an autobiography (details are scant and anecdotes are few; it's cute when he refers to karoline as "my girl") and much more a collection of 1) jimmy's interpretation of contemporary comedy and what it means to be a comedian, and 2) how that journey, and his evolving attitudes, shaped him + became advice he would offer to others. this is why he calls the book adjacent to self help & motivational speaking. i don't think it teaches you anything new about him — literally or as a writer — so i don't recommend reading it, though the audiobook (where he's truly performing the writing like a ted talk) is an easy listen. a lot of people will not understand that jimmy is overwhelmingly sincere in regards to all of the topics and personal philosophies the jimmy nearing 50 espouses. he's someone with very studied, thorough personal philosophies (if you've seen him on podcasts talking about his life and career then you'll know just what i mean) and he explains them deftly, but they can feel a bit...how should i say this...flat to people who have heard a lot of it before, in hollywood movies or from their own parents or wherever. he didn't write this just for another stream of income — he is passionate about these conversations and that counts for something. overall i already knew a bit about the guy and didn't need this.

my shit life so far by frankie boyle — i have never read one of frankie's fiction novels (crime is really not my thing, so someone needs to let me know if richard osman's book series is a smash because i'm only going to check them out if i'm convinced to), but as a long-time fan of his, knowing how much of a wordsmith he is, and how intentional he is in everything he says, i was surprised by how dull i found this. his shit life was just that — uninteresting, meandering. his anecdotes may have worked better aloud than on paper, but they didn't grab me. you learn a bit about his young adulthood, but like jimmy he's intensely private and i could feel that distance between us even while reading an autobiography. it didn't work for me, super sad about it :(

can everyone please calm down? by mae martin — instead of criticising this book, i'd rather just make a disclaimer or two. if you are already engaged in queer discourses and dialogues, you are not going to learn very much from this book. both the descriptive writing and presentation of research is "accessible" to the point i'd call it more adjacent to YA than adult literature; if you prefer more creative, complicated, and/or signature writing styles, this book is not for you. if you are a big fan of mae martin and would appreciate an overview of their journey on the identity spectrum (going so far as to even rejecting it, in some capacities) in one place, then this may be convenient — but even then, at this point, it's somewhat outdated. imo a well-intention skip.

phil wang and tom allen are two more i think don't convince me with their writing, but i'm still making my ways through a couple of books and could probably talk more about this later!

i have never made this kind of non-fiction bio a priority on my long reading list, so i still have a lot of exploring and catching up to do, but i'm finding that i do prefer the books that explore the events of comedian's past as well as those that walk the reader through experiences in the comedy & tv industries. there are a lot of books about mental health and identity, which may be more of what many of you are looking for (sara pascoe, fern brady, jon richardson, and more).

okaY PHEW SORRY i always type too much 😒

first, as for david mitchell's new book, you can order it signed from waterstones as they ship to the usa — and it's currently half off!!!!! if you want to buy it unsigned from a usa retailer amazon is cheapest and target & bookshop are the cheapest non-amazon options :) an audiobook is coming out as well, so i do believe i will be able to add that to googledrive before too long, but no guarantees on a good time frame!

you can go here to download any of the ebooks & audiobooks i have on my googledrive!

[my-name-is-apollo]

I feel like we HAD to have talked about this at some point, but thinking of Apollo ships, what are your thoughts on Apollo x my man Ares? ❤️- Odiko Ptino

@odiko-ptino you know what I have been thinking about them lately!! Mostly because I've been reading Record of Ragnarok and their dynamic in it is uhh interesting, so I couldn't help myself. Now here's what I found about them in the myths:

1. Ares, under Hera's orders, kept a watch on Leto to prevent her from giving birth on lands.

2. Apollo sent Heracles to kill Cycnus, a son of Ares, for murdering the pilgrims. Ares was in support of his son here but Heracles defeated him.

3. Hermes and Apollo made fun of the situation when Ares and Aphrodite got caught red handed.

4. Apollo defeated Ares in the boxing match of the Olympic games.

5. According to Homer, Hyginus and Nonnus, Apollo was involved in killing the Aloadae after they kidnapped Ares.

6. In the Iliad, Apollo asks Ares to go teach a lesson to Diomedes for trying to attack both him and Aphrodite and Ares obeys him.

7. Apollo intervened and stopped a fight between Athena and Ares.

8. In the Homeric hymn to Apollo, Ares is enjoying himself in Apollo's concert.

When read in that order, it does seem like they both start off as rivals and eventually form a friendship. I have to admit I hadn't considered shipping them till recently, but it has grown on me. When it comes to Apollo's ships, I'm usually slightly more interested in reading Apollo's POV (because I feel like he's usually the one with more complicated feelings) but this is one of the few ships where I'm more invested in the other person's POV because I think the feelings are actually more complicated for Ares.

On Apollo's end, he is more or less neutral towards Ares. I'm sure he can be a tease, and will get cocky about being Zeus' favorite son, but unlike Athena he is never hostile to Ares for the sake of being hostile. He goes against Ares when the situation calls for it, but that's about it. To be honest I feel like he, being the more rational one, would understand to some extent how Ares feels. But he would not bother much to really do anything about it up until some point because *gestures at the past* things being this way is mostly not his fault and Ares isn't too welcoming. Ares, on the other hand...Apollo is the one Ares that he should hate the most (besides Athena). He is the golden child, the most favored son who is constantly being adored and loved. So Ares thinks that he is his rival, and also that Apollo also must hate him the same amount. But, I also think he probably looks up to Apollo too in a convoluted way - like wishing he could be that while always being aware that he can never be that. One day he'll realise that Apollo doesn't hate and it will be such a mind blowing experience for him lol. Seeing the shift in his feelings towards the person he has a lot of complicated feelings for would be fascinating, and being loved by that person could be a cathartic experience for Ares.

And you know how Ares was also associated with civil order? Do you think that was perhaps due Apollo's influence (just like how he made Hermes the divine messenger and the god of flocks?) They both can also definitely bond over fatherhood!! That is probably one of my favourite things here lol. Aphrodite is also the common bestie (partner) here so it's gotta be be fun.

[cup-of-hot-worm-milk]

HEARTBREAK HIGH SEASON 2 REVIEW

Likes, dislikes, and some general thoughts.

TL;DR spoiler free review: I give this season a 6.5/10. It’s not bad but compared to the previous season, it certainly felt like a downgrade. Some of the editing choices felt poor, a few characters that had felt layered and realistic had lost their substance,  a couple of interesting plot beats and character arcs were either rushed or solved with very little satisfaction and pay off, and I can’t help but feel a lot of the drama had become far too unrealistic by the end of the season. I had some fun watching the teenage hijinks, and there are stand out scenes/storylines that had me invested from start to finish, but overall I can’t say that this season lived up to its predecessor or my expectations.

Longer rant under the cut! SPOILERS AHEAD!

I’ll start with what I liked and enjoyed (in no particular order):

Cash owns my heart now and forever. Season one had already solidified him as my favourite character, and watching him go through his asexual journey, trying to navigate his relationship with Darren while setting boundaries was… Ugh, so fucking good. I’ve had my own share of relationship anxiety, fearing that because I had no interest in sexual activities that I would be hurting my future partner. Dusty’s whole talk with Cash felt so reminiscent of things people would say to me when I tried to talk to them about my own sexuality. I was so ecstatic when Cash told him to fuck off, because no, asexuals are not robbing their partners of anything. Our sexuality and boundaries in relationships are not problematic or abusive; no person should ever feel like their worth in a relationship is based on whether or not they have sex with their partner. Anyone who says otherwise can fuck right off. I was crying during Cash’s talk with his Nan. 10/10 best storyline.

Quinni not masking was so cathartic. Neurotypicals really don’t understand the stress and mental gymnastics we have to go through every fucking day just so we fit in. It’s so fucking hard and watching her be herself fully was just amazing. Slay honestly.

BI MALAKAI BI MALAKAI BI MALAKAI

All of the Australian pop culture references. So good. Chinese succulent meal. The reference to Scomo shitting himself at the McDonalds. Cash not registering to vote and his friends getting mad at him even though our voting is so shit and never taken seriously (I along with several people I know have written shit on our ballots and have never gotten in trouble ever). THE NUTBUSH. Woodsy’s little jab at Pavlova being from Aotearoa (New Zealand) and not Australia. Ugh, so good. Finally, references I understand /hj.

Amerie and Harper being best friends… Their protectiveness for each other… My heart.

The class camp made me so nostalgic. Can’t speak for every Aussie, but my camp did have the boys sneaking in beer. Although, we all got too scared so we all just had a sip before pouring it all out before we could get caught. We didn’t even get buzzed, lol. Also, the class getting high on shrooms together, oml. 

Malakai and Amerie… Ugh, those two… So messy and complicated and I love them.

Props to HBH finally making an authentic (albeit toxic) love triangle. Only took a while but we got one.

Woodsy helping Harper with driving lessons… My heart.

Quinni being so hyperfixated that she survived her snakebite. She’s just like me fr. I also loved the editing changing when it was her perspective. This is her world and we’re just living in it.

Idk his name but whoever played Chook was genuinely terrifying. 10/10, I wanted to smash his face in every time he came on screen. Truly phenomenal acting.

Actually, I’ll give a round of applause to the entire cast. All of them did stella jobs.

And now… the dislikes (again, no particular order):

Spider’s arc. I know some people like him, but as someone who went to school with, and got bullied by dickheads like him, I could not get behind his whole redemption storyline. I really didn’t like how they blamed his misogyny and arrogance on his toxic mother - it felt like they were saying that men are only sexist assholes because feminists obsess over profiling them all as rapists and abusers which is so fucked on so many levels. It just felt like they were given excuses for his behaviour and how it isn’t really his fault, it’s because of his mothers abuse and I am so fucking over that theme. Abuse does not justify shitty behaviours from ANYONE. It can apply context, sure, but I am not going to excuse someone for being a fuckwit just because they have a shitty homelife. I was abused! I had hurt people around me to cope! That doesn’t make it okay! 

Also… People like Spider are more likely to be misogynistic because of a sexist environment - not because of crazed misandrists believing all men are rapists. I think it would've been much more believable if instead, Spider hadn’t had a father or a close male role model to grow up with and became very insecure about his perception of masculinity and manliness, so he used society and social media as learning tools to form his personality and unfortunately internalised a lot of misogyny.

The conclusion of Spider’s redemption also felt way too rushed. He only stops joining Voss because the man slipped up while ranting and because he got slapped in the face. In season one, it really looked like they were going to explore how Spider’s insecurities around vulnerability and masculinity made him put up a front to shield himself. During his relationship with Missy, some points almost felt like they were going to full dive into exploring it but then they backed out, or they wouldn’t let the scenes room to breathe before rushing into the solution. I would’ve liked it more if Spider had time to really grapple with his worldviews and how hurtful he was being, and working on distancing himself from sexist ideals. It would’ve felt a lot more authentic imo.

And I really was not on board with Missy x Spider. I don’t know, it didn’t feel like an authentic attraction, just more like the writers somehow needed someone to jumpstart Spider’s redemption journey while also providing a convenient romantic love interest. Maybe it could have worked if they two were given more time to develop an understanding companionship and Missy wasn’t into him while he was still a fucking dickhead? Maybe they could’ve had the whole rival's sexual tension thing work if it was given way more focus instead of just “Boy see Girl doing something sexy and fall in love”? I don’t know, romance and sexual interest isn’t really my expertise, so maybe it’s just a me thing.

Rowan’s whole character was a huge miss for me, holy shit. It’s 2024, STOP MAKING MENTAL ILLNESS A FUCKING VILLAINOUS TRAIT. I don’t even know what the fuck his mental illness was supposed to be. I work in youth counseling and psychology, and none of his symptoms feel authentic. Was it psychosis?? Was he supposed to have borderline personality disorder??? Untreated PTSD with severe hallucination and dissociation symptoms??? Type 1 bipolar going through a severe mania episode?? FUCKING WHAT DID HE EVEN HAVE??? For a show that handled autism so beautifully in these seasons, they dropped the ball so horribly with Rowan. Bad character, bad execution, bad storyline, bad everything. Do your fucking research on mental disorders instead of just writing “obsessive and crazy” hbh writers, fucking hell.

Also, why did he need to have this whole dumb past connection with Amerie? Why did Amerie suddenly have a backstory of being a major cunt and bully? Why was none of her shitty behaviour talked about in season one? You’d think when her classmates were ostracizing her for the sex wall and getting everyone involuntarily sent to SLT’s, they would’ve brought up this shit. Spider and Harper had their personal reasons to dislike her but no one else brought up anything. Why not just have it that in the earlier episodes, Bird Psycho was spreading baseless rumours and misinformation? Then have people divided on whether or not they would believe Amerie when she went to disprove them? You can even have others making shit up to add to the situation for more drama.

Sasha and Zoe… Oof, bad execution all around for those two.

Sasha… Oof. Thought her storyline was going to deal with her hypocrisy around activism and being a sjw invested in identity politics. Maybe some exploration on how applying moralism to activism is never a good thing EVER and that you shouldn’t care about oppression just because it makes you look like a better person - you should care about it because oppression is fucking disgusting and needs to be eradicated. Should’ve known they would’ve just made her into a bad joke. Pouring one out for the missed opportunity.

I really thought that Zoe’s character was going to explore sexual insecurities and how everyone has a different approach to sex. Examining the difference between sexual pleasure and sexual intimacy. Maybe even some discussion on how it’s okay to have sex simply just to explore your own preferences and likes, and how no one - especially women  - should ever be slut-shamed for liking sex. But nope, she was a really bad celibacy joke and a plot point for Darren. Yikes.

Speaking of Darren, my fashionable child, look how they massacred you. What was their whole deal with Quinni this season? Did they suddenly forget about her autism? Did they suddenly stop caring about her difficulties with masking? Season 1 Darren “You’re my too much” would NEVER have fucking told Quinni that the world couldn’t play be her rules. Season 1 Quinni panicking in the bathroom at a party? Oh, no, Amerie don’t touch her, that’s not how we help Quinni. We help Quinni by providing a quiet and safe space and reminding her that she is in charge of what we do next. Season 1 Quinni becoming non-verbal due to a meltdown because Sasha was being bigoted? Nope, Sasha you don’t get to talk to Quinni, no one forces Quinni to talk, she will do it when she is ready. Wtf happened Darren? It really just felt like the writers were trying to make drama between them both and decided to butcher Darren’s character to do so. Just… oof. Very bad.

Harper’s trauma being forgotten about or developed after two episodes… What. Nothing about her relationship with her dad, nothing about her relationship with using sex as a coping mechanic, nothing about her PTSD, absolutely fucking NOTHING. Why? She just felt like she was there for other characters to develop off of.

Also, Ant and Harper felt really rushed. I would’ve liked it way more if Ant actually went and befriended some girls before he got into a relationship with Harper, or even if the both of them became friends before they developed a romantic relationship but they really weren’t given room to breathe.

Also also, Ant accomplished nothing?? I don’t remember one significant thing he did this season that gave more insight into his character or that wasn’t just to uplift other character’s developments. It sucks because last season alluded to some religious trauma that I thought we were going to get to explore more. He needs so much more substance than just “haha, funny guy” imo.

Missy and Malakai deserved more to their stories than just relationship drama. Where was their Indigenous culture? Where was Malakai’s ‘gone my country’ story element that helped him last season? We rarely ever get Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander actors able to show their culture even in Australian media, so last season when they brought it up I was so happy but now… No mention of it? Nothing? I loved their friendship and their scenes together but God, I wish they happened more outside of their romantic relationships.

Amerie’s pregnancy storyline felt super rushed. Really wish it had more time to breathe, and to stress the importance of contraception and abortion rights. It all began and ended within one episode… Really felt like it deserved just a little bit more time, y’know? Especially in this day and age. It kind of just felt like last minute drama. Maybe more will come out of it because Amerie told Quinni? I hope the fuck not though because I really do not want Quinni’s character slaughtered.

Cash… Showing Chook… Where he lived… Cash is not fucking stupid. What the fuck was that. Making drama for the sake of elevating the story I guess.

Harper’s and Amerie’s dumb fight in the last episode that was really there so Rowan could have a mental breakdown. Yikes.

Wasn’t a big fan of some of the music choices. Few great songs, few iconic songs (Untouched by the Veronicas my beloved), but overall some pretty dodgy choices. I like BLACKPINK, don’t get me wrong, but they’re not that popular in Australia? And The Cranberries are amazing but again, not really an Australian favourite? Idk, just felt like they were picking from the Top 500 Charts.

Okay, the whole fire thing was really fucking stupid. In 2019-2020, NSW had massive out-of-control bushfires that ravaged the country. We have incredibly intense fire-safety because out country is so fucking flammable. Our sprinklers don’t run on electricity - the heat melts the protective plug on the sprinkler, and then water is released from where it’s stored in the pipes. We have fire blankets and extinguishers. The school would’ve been doused. And by the way, there is no such thing as only two teachers chaperoning formal. Not for 25< kids. And the cohort teachers would’ve been invited to go anyways?? And if a crazed man with fire did appear out on the oval, the students would’ve legally had to evacuate to another safe place. Cops and the firefighters would’ve been called immediately. All of the last episode was just such unbelievable bullshit, oml.

“Oh but the school is really sketchy” Idgaf, that whole fire thing was so stupid.

The afl over nrl holy shit. Like, as a queenslander, that shit really fucking hurt to see, I am so sorry sydney goers.

Alright some general thoughts:

Much of the drama in this season just didn’t feel authentic. Most characters were forced to make stupid or unrealistic choices so that drama could happen rather than just allowing the plot to naturally allow for intriguing stories to unfold. I felt like this season was forcing everyone to be involved in something tremendous at every single point, only then to become overwhelmed with how to finish or solve the issues so it was quickly given a bandaid or ignored in favour of moving onto something else.

The first season had the main issues of separating Amerie from her classmates, of people trying to navigate relationships with all the messiness of being a teenager, and of dealing with things that you don’t know how to solve. Characters were given time to be emotional, to make mistakes but not be villainized for them. Scenes and problems were given room to breathe, there was time for all of the story beats to develop and come together.

This season felt more akin to something I’d see in Riverdale or Pretty Little Liars. Over dramatised problems and a mystery that involved pretty shitty characterisation to pull off.

I still like Heartbreak High, and if there is a third season, I’ll definitely give it a watch, but overall, I’m not very enthusiastic about season 2.

One other thing is more related to the backlash I’ve seen from two of the main characters, Malakai and Missy. Some people are infuriated that these two bisexuals have ended the season in a straight-passing relationship and… Okay. I’m not going to sugarcoat any of this; stop being biphobic cunts. You complaining about these two characters ending up with an opposite-sex partner is biphobic. Bisexuals aren’t limited to only ever being in same-sex relationships, fuck off.

Okay, now I’m done.

[treesswayinginthewind]

Enjoying heavy songs - Amygdala

Trigger warnings: I don't mention anything explicit, just vaguely mental health struggles. Of course tread carefully around the MV.

I have recently gotten into reaction videos and as a Yoongi/SUGA/AgustD bias, of course I watch reaction videos of his songs, love to see people fall in love with his music, love to see them be blown away by the raw authenticity of his lyrics, by the emotions he shows.

But it has also brought to the surface reactions to a song that is my favourite of the whole D-Day album. (And they are all my favourite. The moment I say this, I wanna add a "but", unable to really choose, but that is a topic for a different day.) To be honest watching reaction videos of this song is a bit hit and miss. Most are not worth watching but there was one thought voiced that bothered me and I want to address it in this post.

Amygdala is the song that makes me wanna cry every time I listen, it's a song that I know all the lyrics to and I really can't claim to speak any Korean. It's the song that enables me to sing, yell, shout along to and feel oh so much. It is not a secret, that Yoongi's songs resonate with a lot of people who struggle with things in their lives, be it mental health topics, friends or family issues. His fans relate to him and his music because he gives our struggles a voice.

I am one of them. And although there are a lot of issues I struggle with that I might not be able to address and deal with (yet), his music means so much to me. It enables me to feel all those emotions, to get a release for all the anger, sadness and pain I feel without it needing to be about me. I can feel angry, sad and hurt over his story and still have a cathartic experience, feel relieved about my own issues afterwards.

It's not the only thing Yoongi's music does. He also gives us hope. He shares his journey with us with all its ups and downs, tells us that he has our back, that we can let go, that he's there for us. And he lets us know that he's okay too. That he is better and gives us hope that we can be better too.

I understand that the song deals with a lot of heavy topics. That the MV for Amygdala specifically shows things that are triggering for people and I respect and support people's decision to not watch and/or listen for those reasons. But, and I hope that the people I have heard voice this opinion are the exception, because some have said, that because of the topics of the song that this song and this MV are not something we should enjoy. And I reject this notion with all my heart.

I love this song. I love turning it up loud, dancing and singing along with it. And that's okay. I don't believe that Yoongi made this song, so we only listen once, make a sad face and move on. I don't believe that he made this song, so we say, yes he indeed had a difficult life, pity him and move on.

I am sure he knew that this is not the sort of subject matter that would top the charts. So it leaves the question, why did he do it? It's clear that making music is a way for him to process his own experiences and emotions. His music has always been like that. But I don't think it's far fetched to say that he probably knows that he is helping other people too. I like to think that he has seen at least some of the things people have written about his music, about how it makes people feel seen, how his songs and him talking about these topics makes space for them in the public discourse, makes people feel validated in their struggles. So I like to believe he made this song not just for himself, but also hoping it would help others. And with that in mind, I think it's wrong to insinuate that this song should not be enjoyed, CANNOT be enjoyed. I reject the idea that it should be a song, we can only listen to in silence with a solemn face. Of course his story should be treated with respect. Of course there are settings and ways this song could be consumed that might be inappropriate. But there is a difference between enjoying it and disrespecting it's subject matter.

I can enjoy this song because I feel seen. I can enjoy it, because I know he is better now. I can enjoy it for the emotional release I experience when listening to it. I an enjoy it for the skill that went into creating it. There are so many ways to enjoy this song that don't equal disrespect.

So if there is anyone out there who feels like they shouldn't be allowed to enjoy this song, this is for you. Please turn it up loud and sing along and dance to it and let it make you feel all the emotions. Let us enjoy the music, the beautiful lyrics, let us appreciate the skill with which he made this song.

It is okay to enjoy this song. It is okay to enjoy the MV. Both are brilliant. So much work and skill and dedication went into them. It is okay to feel joy while listening, because he's a brilliant artist, making something so beautiful from so much pain.

There is a delicate balance between wanting people to know this song, wanting people who struggle feel seen, create a platform for mental health topics and feeling like capitalising on pain in a society that is so obsessed with consumption. Maybe I am in a bubble, but I respect the fandom for how mindful they have been in creating content around this song and for the lack of content that uses imagery from the MV specifically in inappropriate ways.

But this should not mean, we should not "consume" the song and the MV. The worst we could do to this song is push it aside because "it's too heavy" or too delicate of a topic to talk about.

Let us enjoy the story he tells, the pain he sings about, the cry for help this song so clearly is. Let us enjoy it and feel it. Because despite his struggles, he is still here. And because even if we struggle, we are still here. Let this song be the voice that says, I struggle too and it's okay. Let us listen to it and remind ourselves. Let us talk about it and support each other. Because we are still here and we are not alone.