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#i really don't want to do anything today
jedi-bird · 1 year
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Woke up early today and despite knocking a bunch of stuff down and breaking something, I managed not to break any dishes washing them. Did drop a plate of cat food on one of the cats though (it was a plastic plate designed for babies so it's very light, she's fine, just pouting because she doesn't like getting messy). Went back to sleep for about two hours and felt great upon getting up. Half an hour later I feel like shit and kind of just want to go back to sleep for the rest of the day.
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I made a few new wax seal stamps out of clay (like the ones I did for my worldbuilding stuff forever ago), this time just of random symbols that I thought might look good done in the style of painting over the raised part of the wax or etc. :0c Some of them aren't carved deep enough to really show up that well, but overall they worked okay for being clay lol
#wax seal#crafts#wax stamp#stationery#Window one is kind of stinky.. I was imagining like a swirly night sky sort of looking thing so it would be a surreal contrast of a night#sky with a window in the middle that shows a daytime sky - but the silver and purple wax kind of mixed too much together#with the black and it just looks very plain black and not all that starry or anything hjbhj.. Of course the eye is probably my favorite#since all I ever do is draw eyes and still like eye imagery for some reason. The four leaf clover is very lumpy and skrunkty but also it wa#the smallest in size out of all of them so was easier to do multiple stamps of just to try it out.#The heart with eyes wax is actually more swirly in person. I wanted it to be a mix of light pink and red and white. and the wax#did kind of all blend together but in person you can definitely see MORE of the intentional swirlyness. in this it just looks plain pink.#I was going to do one eye in the heart but it looked weird. but now two seems too plain. i could have done 3?? in a pattern.. hmm#alas. I wish I could make actual metal ones. With the clay i have to paint them in a thin layer of olive oil before stamping because#otherwise the wax just kind of gets stuck in the grooves of the clay and then you can't pull it up. Very wacky ''unprofessional'' looking#set up where I'm hot gluing circles of sculpey clay to short stumps of a wooden dowel that I sawed apart with a serrated bread knife#and then using an old paintbrush to put olive oil on them whilst holding a spoon over a yankee candle flame hjbjh#ANYWAY.. I think if I were middle class/rich/etc. this would be one of the main things in my crafting room is like.. SO many colors#of wax. and all different custom made stamps designed by me. which could be much more elaborate in actual metal.. muahaha.... >:)c#RHGghhh... I actually don't want to talk much about it since (this is probably just my Obsessed With My Own World Artist Delusions) I#think I have a really cool idea for a game that could genuinely be successful if i ever get to make it and I don't want to give#everything away and spoil the whole plot/concept in hopes that one day I can actually do it - BUT - a game that I'd like to make after the#visual novel I'm making now has partially to do with the main character working as a sort of writer/scribe/artist assistant in an elven#city (set in my world/with my worldbuilding species and versions of elves and etc) and I was thinking of maybe incorporating#somehow being able to collect little writing type items like these like.. you can get different wax seal patterns or pens or etc. when I do#stuff like this in Real Life it always makes me think of that like.. ouh... this is good research.. what it shall be like to be a littol#elf collecting wax seals and such.. indeed... GRR i need to be finished with my current game NOWWW... i MUST work on other#thingss... aughh... ANYWAY.. yay. accomplishment to do One Single Thing other than Sit In The Summer Heat And Rot#though also hilarious as this was the first cool-ish day that was below 80F in a while hgvh#waking up like 'wow.. i actually feel okay today?? like I could do things?? how mysterious.. I wonder why..?? :0'' Its The Weather You Fool#Tis Always The Weather
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remembered @hehe-hoho-ohno's misfits au it's sooooo good and i love it. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE. YAY
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mainalias · 2 months
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thinking about compiling screenshots of golden/silver age batman exclusively calling dick his ward to combat the allegations that it was “initially a father-child relationship”
#dc#batman#brudick#i don’t even ship it#i think i'm still mad at the poll when people were trying to refute the brudick points#by saying shippers are also biased and ignoring the history and that it really was a familial relationship early on#me the only asshole on this website enough of dumbass to try to read early batman “no it fucking wasn't”#if you hate the ship fine but don't back up your argument with complete lies#the pro-brudick camp has receipts which gives them way more validity than the haters#i'm sure somewhere out there there's dick grayson pre-crisis saying bruce is like a father to him#there's so many comics and i've barely scratched the surface#but i did read both the first golden age compilation book of batman and silver age world's finest compilation#and neither of them say anything like that#and no “his ward dick grayson” is how he's called constantly it's one of the stock phrases in the ever present narration#early comics fundamentally didn't understand they were a visual medium and are full of very tedious and unnecessary text panels#and to be fair each issue needed to function as an intro to someone who had never heard of batman and robin before so#“and his ward dick grayson”#every damn time#their relationship was adult man and his plucky kid sidekick he inexplicably hangs out with#which doesn't make sense and doesn't parallel to real life real social interaction#but neither does a man going in a batsuit to fight crime#and the out-of-universe explanation is because this comic was aimed at kids who were supposed to project onto dick grayson#and the kids want to be batman's kid-partner not his kid-son#it's not that complicated this trope still exists today#kid who should not be here but is because it's a kids' show/book/movie/etc#i stg i'm gonna become a brudick shipper out of spite at this point#and WHILE I'M COMPLAINING i am also going to be mad at the people who get all up-in-arms#about all the evil heroes doing child endangerment on their poor abused sidekicks#should there be kid heroes? no but cape comics would suck without them so stop complaining and enjoy yourselves#RL vigilantism is also always bad stop bringing real world standards into this they don't apply
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marcelineuntitled · 3 months
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fanart for The Great Miyagi Prefectural Cherry Blossom Viewing by @kings-highway (on ao3)
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r0semultiverse · 2 months
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Asking in good faith (check my blog if you want) but what's the trans Nova Graxx Bunny Girl's @? Does she have social media? Please, I loved her speech, it genuinely made me tear up. MagicThighs your speech made my day, I hope you see this somehow. 💖🥺
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If needed, send it privately over because I understand the potential dangers & things obviously, I just wanna drop a follow if she has an account or something because omg that cosplay is so good & omg she made me tear up. 🥺💜
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zeroducks-2 · 1 year
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I feel like a lot of folks who insist that the rampant purity culture in fandom spaces is "not a real problem", and something "an adult with a job" shouldn't deal with, fail to realize that if you simply engage with a certain ship or a certain trope you are exposed to cyberbullying in the form of insults, death threats, rape threats, suibating, self-harm baiting, attempts at doxxing, loss of your livelihood.
Your traumas will be stepped on if you have any, and/or treated as a joke. Your coping mechanisms will be deemed wrong, bad, harmful to yourself and other people, and you will be shamed for having them. The work you have been doing for your mental health, regardless if you dabble in the hobbies you like because of past traumas or because it's just a past-time you have, will be kicked into the dirt because someone is grossed out by them and they arbitrarily decided you cannot express your interest in them.
It is a real problem. Being an adult with a job doesn't give you an "exempt from this" badge that will protect you from harassment if you engage with anything that antis deem immoral.
And there are no "two sides of the same coin" and "two versions to hear" when it comes to this. I don't care if you think someone liking something is "unhealthy", that's none of your business what another person likes. Antis do not "have a point", they never do, their reaction to seeing a dark trope or an "unhealthy ship" are never justified. Hurting real living and breathing people over fictional content is never justified!
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#tropius#HE SO APPY!!! FUCK!!! HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS ONE#i've never looked at tropius up close before i didn't even know they had a little helmet and shit. this is WONDERFUL. they're SO appy#i hope you all appreciate this as much as i do because this is very good. i don't even know anything about tropius. jack SHIT. except that#they're so appy. and i will accept this. i gotta work but i've been too busy thinking abt how appy they are#i also started the process of remaking my main blog. bc it just had a lot of posts on it all the way back to way back in my past#and i felt like it was weighing the whole blog down and making me not want to use it. and that blog needed some housekeeping for me to want#to associate myself with it. so i'm currently in the process of coming up with a new URL before i start really renovating#so the hunt for miss ffp starts anew or something. unless i've lazily replied to you in a comment once and you remember my url#i've done that to a few of you. demifiendcruithne is one. shoutouts to you demifiendcruithne you're the best#then there was that one who assumed i use windows. despite recognizing that i'm “rather techy.” yuck!#had to respond to that one to clear up any suspicion that i might be a windows user. this is all totally unrelated and also will be#totally irrelevant by the time this post gets up anyway. hopefully. y'know if i haven't come up with a new url by then then#i mean. that's my fault. but this isn't gonna post until july 23rd. 10 days from today. so. hopefully!#see you all then
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sciderman · 5 months
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(Idk if someone asked this already) since we’re on the topic of gender
sci what is gender to you and how do you see it in you and how you express it in your art?? (Just a young queer artist who wants some light shined upon them 🥺)
i 'unno ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#gender is soup#sci speaks#i'm so sorry i know you might hope for something profound but... i think when i'm put on the spot like this i can't say anything really#i think whatever i am is definitely pervasive in everything i write#but like.. gender means something different to wade than it does for peter.#just like it'll be different for everybody. we make different associations based on our experiences and our trauma.#like.. wade associates femininity with love. because of his mother. associates masculinity with violence. because of his father.#peter associates masculinity with responsibility. because of uncle ben. associates femininity with confidence. because of aunt may.#i think there's all kinds of reasons why we choose to present the way we do. and what gender means to us.#just like we'll associate a colour with something. or a smell with a memory. it's complicated.#i don't think i'm some kind of expert on gender things but... i just find it interesting to explore. the psychology of it.#i don't think it's supernatural. it doesn't come from nowhere. but it should be a playground.#i don't think anyone in this world should be restricted to a certain role to play. i want to try all the roles and see how it fits.#see how well i can play them.#maybe because i haven't found one that quite fits. so i want the opportunity to try whatever i can. see what feels right.#i think it would be fun to be a wife. i think it would be fun to be a husband. i think it would be fun to be a firefighter. i think it wo#shrugs. different outfits for every day. different roles to play.#today i'd like to try...#i think it's like kids learning how to be adults by playing pretend. by playing roles.#i'm learning more about myself and other people and fitting into the world by trying on different roles.#kids playing house. you be the mom. i'll be the dad. yadda yadda.#i still feel like a bit of a kid who hasn't figured out how to be an adult yet. so i'm still trying out roles to see what fits.
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press-f1-to-grieve · 12 days
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Liam telling stories about him and Yuki on the Red Flags Podcast
Source: Red Flags Podcast - WE INTERVIEWED F1'S LIAM LAWSON!!! (edited down and transcribed by @press-f1-to-grieve)
to @2bluetwo85: i read your tags from that yuki and liam post. thank you for letting me know this exists (and for reading my long tags). i hope i got the right podcast you were talking about.
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full transcription underneath beware, it's long. and i'm not familiar with the podcast (my newbie is showing) so i'm not sure which voice belongs to who. please excuse me if i got them mixed up. i listened to the episode on a podcast app and only found out they have a youtube channel later, after i had already finished everything bar hit the "post" button. the visual would have helped greatly with knowing who's speaking but alas...
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Matt: Ye so, I wanna talk about another teammate of yours, Yuki Tsunoda. So we've read that you and Yuki go back. He lived with your parents in New Zealand?
Brian: (laughs) No! He didn't live- He didn't live with- Liam: He came to- So this is a series called the "Toyota Racing Series" in New Zealand, used to be like, really really big, especially before Covid. And basically we were both competing in it as teammates, and so he came to New Zealand. And we've been teammates a year before that in F3 and Euro Formula, so I've spent a lot of time with him already. So when he came to New Zealand, he basically just hung out with us. A lot. Like, I basically just drive around with him. Matt: So like step-brothers a little bit? Liam: Honestly, ye. (laughs)
Matt: What was your favorite thing to do with him, growing up?
Liam: It was always away from the track. Cause away from the track, he's a really funny, genuine dude. So, obviously, it's harder. When you are competing, with Yuki, (...) competing for the same seat. So, it's like, at the track, it's real intense. And then, away from that, it's real cool.
Matt: How're you able to maintain a friendship when it's just like, you know, blood sport out there for these few seats?
Liam: At points, over the year, (stammers) you know, it's not a friendship. And then he- Like, obviously, his journey was pushed a lot earlier than mine. He went to F1 quite early so, then I was- I wasn't really in competition with him anymore so- Matt: Right. Does that help your friendship? Liam: Then we are like, pretty chill again. And then we are put in competition again.
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Brian: I think in one of the earlier seasons of Drive to Survive, you were in his room, and his room was like, all messy, and he was annoyed that they put it in.
Matt: Did you catch him on a bad day or is that just is? Brian: Is his room just a mess always? Liam: That's literally- I don't know now. Oh actually, I went to his house recently and it was a lot better. Both Hosts: (relieved) Okay! Liam: He has improved. (stammers) I remember, well, it wasn't really- (vocally winces) It was fierce because you shouldn't live like that anyway. BUT!- Both Hosts: (crying laughing emojis in audio form) Liam: But I remember, he had just moved into this apartment at the start of, I think it was the start of that year, and I- Oh no, it was the year before! But same thing, Covid, here, basically. I went to New Zealand because I was about to be locked out of the country. There was no racing. And Yuki stayed, in Milton Keynes for months. Just on (his own), he didn't go back to Japan. Like he just stayed in this apartment. Brian: Like Cast Away Liam: But I had to move into this brand new apartment and it was sick! And I went to New Zealand and I came back 3 months later. Matt: He has got a beard. Liam: And I walked into this place and it was just like DUUDE. It was bad, like it was real bad. Brian: (hums of understanding) Like takeouts and- (all three make noises of agreement) Liam: It was just food everywhere. Like, the laundry basket was just like, overflowing. Matt: Yuki was basically all of us during Covid. Brian: (enthusiastic YE's)
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Matt: So, what are you most competitive with Yuki off the track? Like what do you guys like to-
Liam: Awe, dude, everything. Both Hosts: Ye? Liam: No, like, everything. We're like- At the moment, we've been playing table tennis. Just little disc. Matt: Oh you'll just make- Liam: M-make one! Ye, just make it. (...) not a proper one. Matt: Who is up? Liam: He plays a lot more, to be fair, but- Matt: So he crushes you. Liam: (cute babbles) No no- Both Hosts: (laugh) Liam: So, we played in Japan. I think I had him in Japan. And then we played last week and he beat me. Matt: You don't keep a serious tally? Are you better on certain surfaces? Like if it's a dinner table, you got him. Liam: On a smaller table, I have him. But on a slightly bigger table- Like depends on what table we get during race weekend.
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Liam: But one thing with Yuki that was real funny that we did back when we were in New Zealand.
Liam: I don't know how this is a thing but you can rent a boat, at like 15 or 16 years old. And just take it out, to Lake Taupo. And so me and Yuki were like- I was probably 17 or 18 and he was like 19 or 20, and we just rented this boat, and got like, you know, biscuit, or tube? What do you call them? (...) And we just took it out and basically- It started off like real fun. Like we were just towing each other around. But then it just got like, who could throw the other person off like, the biggest. We just like, tried to kill each other on this little tube, in the middle of this lake. Matt: Just the two of you? Liam: Just the two of us. Just out there in the middle of a lake. Brian: Just the two of you tried to kill each other. Matt: It's like a fucking thriller. Liam: Honestly! I've got videos of like, him and me, like, in the air. Like, meters in the air. Matt: Who won or lost that game? Brian: "We both lost that game." Liam: Actually, I lost pretty hard on that one, to be fair. Matt: He threw you- Liam: I went off like, big time, ye. Brian: It seems like, that's the common experience of tubing, is that. It's like, it's fun and then you're like, am I gonna die? (...)
Matt: So Yuki was a master at flinging you?
Liam: Well, he would like- Sometimes I feel like it's on accident. He would like, get a lot of slack and it will just build up real fast- Both Hosts: Sure, he said it was on accident.
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Liam: We're drivers. Everything turns into a competition.
Liam: We had a rental car, again in New Zealand with Yuki, that we like, basically would like, make a little track and just set time trials off the side of the road. Matt: Like with a Camry or something? Liam: No, Yuki had this little Mitsubishi ASX. I don't know if you know what it is, it's like a boxed car. And we, with like a couple of drivers, basically made like, a little track, and, basically goes until somebody- until Yuki crashed it. (...) The funniest thing, it wasn't even in the- He had finished his lap. It was afterward, he tried to be cool and do like a flick spin, and just totally sent it into a bank. We had to go to a store to get one of those plungers to try and plunge out the dent in the front of the- Because we had to get the car back. Brian: Right, of course. Matt: Renters insurance, man. If I see you or Yuki walk into an enterprise or something, I'll just like, go somewhere else.
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tunaf1sk · 2 years
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A fast little doodle of Blyndeffswap!Lorelai and Molly looking uncharacteristically happy - because this AU has been around for a year now! Thank you so much to everyone who’s been interested, all your nice comments and questions have always brought a smile to my face :D
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disposal-blueeee · 1 year
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VARGASTOBER - day 1 : edgar vargas
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arklay · 11 months
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RESIDENT EVIL → THE WESKER FAMILY
To the public, little is known of the families behind some of the world’s most renowned bioterrorists, but the question remains: did they play a role in causing their children to walk down the path that they did? Or are these individuals simply ambitious criminals with delusions of grandeur?
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For Diana Wesker (née Afanasyeva), her introduction into the bioweapons black market trade was upon discovering her employers were using her research into limb regeneration with salamanders to further their experiments in creating enhanced soldiers, instead of developing human therapies with which she was recruited for. Although the prospect of using biological weapons in the military did not appeal to her, the concept remained fascinating for her own selfish endeavours. Born on the 27th of October, 1963 in Sydney, Australia to Russian immigrant parents, Diana had harsh expectations placed upon her at a young age, ones that no matter how hard she tried she could never live up to. Her mother, Tatyana, was an unfeeling woman, absent for long stretches of time with little regard to how it affected her daughters, much more concerned with her craft as an accomplished opera singer. Viktor was no better. A strict man whose role as father and ballet master blurred, he pushed his girls to one day follow in his footsteps. Whilst Sofia enjoyed ballet, and went on to become a professional ballet dancer, Diana’s heart was set on going into the field of biology. She wished to make a name for herself, separate from her family – to which she succeeded.
Diana was married to former U.S. Marine, Dave Monroe, for only a year until he was declared dead in 1992 after succumbing to injuries sustained in a horrific car accident. Foul play was ruled out while Diana played the role of the grief-stricken widow, but in reality, she had snapped after years of mistreatment at her husband’s hands, and opted for something she could pass off as an accident to be free of him. For years she believed he was dead – and he was, legally – but that proved to not be the case when he found his way back into her life again in 1999. Unbeknownst to her, she had been lied to by the police and coroner, who were paid off by her employers when they took Dave’s body for themselves and used him as one of their first test subjects in developing supersoldiers. Before he could ever hurt her again, Diana’s second husband, Albert Wesker, tracked the man down, captured him and tortured him, before allowing Diana to get her violent and bloody revenge.
The origins of Albert Wesker’s involvement in bioterrorism, alongside his twin sister, Alex, are much different than that of Diana’s. The two hail from London, Canada, but unfortunately, they hold no memories of their lives there, nor what happened to their biological parents when they were eight years old. Agents of Oswell E. Spencer, an aristocratic billionaire and eugenicist, took the twins from their home and executed their parents as per Spencer’s orders. Albert and Alex were then placed in a home funded by the Spencer Foundation where they were given new names and a privileged upbringing. They had access to the best education possible, free to pursue whichever field they decided, but it was by no accident they both went into virology and bioengineering; at home, their adoptive parents – agents whom they believed to be their real parents – instilled them with the beliefs of Oswell E. Spencer, harbouring disdain for war and pestilence, and believing humans to be an evolutionary dead-end in need of a rebirth. They were only two of the hundreds of children “adopted” as part of what is known as Project W, a plan intended to develop an advanced race of human beings. The most promising candidates were headhunted by Umbrella Pharmaceuticals, the twins amongst them, where they went on to create bioweapons for the company founded by none other than the man who had handpicked them for his plan. The final stage of this was to infect the thirteen Spencer saw fit, however, only two survived; Albert received the intended effects, now possessing superhuman abilities, however, Alex was only offered more time to live due to her terminal degenerative illness.
In the summer of 1995, Diana was working undercover within Umbrella to gather development data on their projects for her company. Here, she had a chance encounter with Albert, an intelligence officer at the time, which permanently altered the course of her life. The two were never seen far from one another’s side, marrying in 1998, and they went on to become notorious in the bioweapons industry. The development of the Uroboros virus was where things took a turn for the worst. Although Diana’s infection was successful and she bore abilities that rivalled her husband’s, the plan itself did not succeed as they had hoped, and almost cost Albert his life at the hands of his former subordinates.
Now, they work within the shadows, with Diana declared missing and Albert believed to be dead. Their legacy, however, lives on with the mark they left on the world. As visionaries in their field, they influenced bioterror attacks carried out by countless individuals and organisations. In turn, they also inspired others to fight against such atrocities. One such person happens to be Albert’s son from a former relationship, Jake Müller, whose existence he was unaware of.
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#mine.#oc: diana#pair: ewskers#click for better quality cause it's large & tumblr ate it ♡#hii so happy birthday diana !! queen is 60 today :]#um. there's no template cause i made this from scratch...i couldn't find any i was vibing with so i was like you know what lmaoo#i'm sorry for the essay...it was meant to be just a short rundown of the family but well...that happened. typical leah fashion...#oh and guys. did you know that there's a limit to the amount you can put in one blockquote? that's why the rest is just left like that caus#i didn't like how it looked with a blockquote each paragraph...cause the spaces between were unever. you understand 😔#with the tree i was also going to include weskids adoptive parents but i couldn't figure out how to arrange it all & make it look nice !!#cause i also wanted to have spencer in there as well cause he's a big reason why the weskids are the way they are...was maybe gonna include#sherry as well. like connected to jake (hehe) and then do her parents too but that would've made things so wide & it's already big enough#yes. i hc that albert & alex are biological twins. just for clarification there :] i don't think i added anything else that isn't canon or#implied with canon. cause the weskids were put in homes (or at least whatever ''controlled environments'' means) where they were monitored#by umbrella but were unaware of it. so yeah. i don't think i really changed much there !!#honestly i could've kept rambling cause there's alex's whole situation. there's my lore with jake's mum. there's way more with the ewskers#but it's already so long & i can't be concise so there's that lmaoo oh also diana's grandma. so much stuff#also meant to say the weskids birthday in that ramble. it's january 15 1960 :] they are capricorn sun leo moons but alex was born earlier s#their rising signs are albert is a scorpio rising & alex is a libra rising !!#had to redo the image cause typo on diana's birth year for some reason lmao so if that messed up the formatting i will sob
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genericpuff · 1 year
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an epitaph
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nguyenfinity · 1 year
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Every time I draw Mamagi it does AoE damage (I am also in the area of effect)
Lighthearted bonus:
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#enstars#hiiro amagi#rinne amagi#i don't know if this is a bad time to be amagi-posting given that hiiro's fs2 just dropped but. oh well#also this might be the last thing i draw for a bit because i am in the final stretch of this semester#if you sent in a request. i will get to it and thank you for your patience#anyways i know i'm kinda being like 'haha rinne mama's boy' which like. yeah but also sometimes--#--sometimes you're an adult in their 20s and like. yeah sure you're technically an adult or whatever but you still feel like a kid yeah?#and sometimes you just maybe want your mom to help you when you're lost or confused or when you need someone to tell you it'll be okay#but you won't get that for whatever reason#sincerely: an adult in their 20s#....can you tell why rinne is like. a vibe to me now#anyways i'm not saying mamagi dying was a necessary evil but if hiiro and rinne had an adult who actually loved them at home they probably-#-wouldn't have left and we wouldn't have the main story#if she was alive today tho she'd be going to their lives sorry i don't make the rules (yes i do)#if she ends up being exactly like the rest of their village in some future lore i'm gonna be so sad.#she'd throw hands with niki's parents#imagine leaving your sons behind because you straight up died (couldn't really do anything about that)#meanwhile your son's boyfriend's parents just. up and left him because they could#also posts with her will be tagged mamagi#if you read all that <3#mamagi#she'd adopt all the bees and alkaloid too#imagine if they got their singing skills from her#also mamagi 1 rinniki shipper (also does not care it's not legal)#rinniki
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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