#i really do love myself more than anyone else. more than any attachment or bond.

[badcountryofficial]

Like. Hey. Holds my own hand. You are so fucking amazing

[azriels-shadowlady]

I Can Feel You

Pairing: Ben Solo x Rey

Words: 3.7K

Summary/Prompt: Rey and Ben share a force bond that made them closer than anyone else. Leia has a mission to send Rey on, and Ben has his reservations about this mission.

A/N: I haven't posted on this blog/anywhere in like.. 5ish years so pls be kind.

“Ben, I would like you to meet someone.” His mother says, guiding him closer to him. I look back nervously at my parents who give me a reassuring smile. A boy, quite a bit taller than I am, turns around and his eyes move from General Leia to myself. A nervous smile falls on his face before he returns his gaze to his mother. “This is Rey. Her parents brought her here to escape the First Order’s grasp of their planet. I’m hoping that you would be willing to keep her company while I show them around?”

Something flashes on his face, fear? Before you can attempt to place it, it’s gone. “Um. Yes I can do that, mother.” He says politely, clasping his hands in front of him. “Welcome Rey.” He gives you a kind smile, and steps to the side, allowing you access to the building behind him. “This is where I do my Jedi training, would you like to come inside?”

Your eyes light up hearing that he is a Jedi. “You’re a Jedi?” You practically shout at him, struggling to hold back the excitement. Your parents had told you stories of the Jedi, long ago there were so many Jedi that they were seen as the peace keepers of the galaxy. They had different colored lightsabers, and could even more things with their mind.

“I am. So is my mother, and uncle.” He beams proudly, looking between me and his mother.

“Why don’t you two go inside, and I’ll be with your parents, Rey.” General Leia suggests. I nod excitedly and run into the building, Ben following behind.

The room didn’t look quite like I had expected, there weren’t any lightsabers inside or anything huge that a Jedi could move with their mind. It was a large open room, made of some type of stone. The walls are lined with tapestries with symbols I don’t recognize “What do you do in here?” I ask, turning to face Ben again. “This isn’t really what I thought it would look like.” You admit, hoping not to offend him.

“I can show you?” He offers, excitement oozing behind the offer. “I’ve never really shown anyone besides my parents and my uncle.” I see his hand hovering over something attached to his belt, but he makes no move to show me. “But only if you want.” He blurts out, suddenly sounding nervous.

“I would love that!” I cheer, clapping my hands together excitedly. “What can you do?” Just as the words leave my lips, he grabs the item on his belt and presses a button. A blue lightsaber coming to life in front of my very eyes.

“Watch this.” He boasts. Three balls I hadn’t even seen sitting on the ground come to life, and surround Ben. He closes his eyes and takes a breath before the balls start shooting at him. Suddenly, I’m filled with fear for the boy in front of me. But he doesn’t miss a beat, each shot is easily blocked by his lightsaber.

I can’t help but feel proud of the boy standing in front of me. I could have never imagined someone capable of something so impossible, but here he is doing it. “That is amazing!” I cheer, watching him block with ease. Even when the balls start moving around he moves with them, not a single shot making contact with anything but his lightsaber.

After a few minutes of this the balls stop firing shots at him, and he opens his eyes and they finally meet mine for the first time in several minutes. “Ben that is amazing! I’ve never seen anything like that before.” I run over to him, and suddenly feel the urge to hug him. But I know that’s not appropriate for someone he just met.

The biggest smile I’ve ever seen is plastered on his face “I didn’t miss a single one.” He states “I’ve never done that before, normally I miss at least a few!” A sense of pride fills my chest, and I can’t help but hug the boy in front of me. Surprisingly, he hugs me back.

A burst of electricity bolts though me, and I pull away from him unsure what that feeling had been. He stares at me bewilderment written all over his face. “Did you feel that?” I ask, taking a step back, unsure what to make of the situation before me. He nods, but says nothing. “What was that? Did you do it?” Fear is coursing through my entire body. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I’ve never felt anything like that.

“I didn’t do anything.” He defends himself, “Are you okay? Did it hurt you?” He begins looking me over, as if to make sure I’m unharmed.

“Uh-” I think for a second taking account of my body “I don’t think so. I mean, it didn’t hurt. It just-” I pause to think again “I wasn’t expecting it I guess. Did it hurt you?” I question.

“No. It didn’t hurt. I don’t think.” He pauses thinking for a moment “Can you use the force?” His serious tone makes me laugh. Use the force, yeah right! His jaw drops, and he takes a small step away from me.

“What?” I question, not sure what caused the fear. “What did you figure out what that was?”

“I heard your voice.” He tells me, “But your lips didn’t move.”

“What did I say?” I question, this whole situation confusing me more and more by the passing second. What in the galaxy could be going on?

“You said ‘Use the force, yeah right.’” He quotes my thoughts from moments before. “You are using the force.” I want to laugh at his statement, but wouldn’t a Jedi know better than me about the force?

“I can’t use the force.” I demand, not wanting him to be right. But why? Why don’t I want him to be right?

“Because it’s new.” He whispers, stepping closer to me. “Will you try something? It will prove me wrong if it’s not the force.” I nod, not trusting my voice enough to speak. Anything to prove him wrong. I know I can’t use the force, I used to try when I was little and nothing happened then.

“Come sit with me for a minute.” He takes my hand, and leads me to the other side of the large room to soft looking mats. I follow his lead and sit next to him on a mat, making sure to sit like he is. “We’re going to meditate, do you know how to do that?”

“Don’t you just sit there and breathe?” I ask, wondering how hard that could really be.

“Well, that’s the idea.” He chuckles, but shaking his head. “But there is more to it than that. You breathe yes, but you also need to focus. Focus on the energy around you. Can you try that for me?” It doesn’t sound very hard, so I might as well give it a try.

“Yeah I can do that. Are you going to be doing it too?” I ask, hoping he will so he wont be watching me do this. He nods, but doesn’t say anything else fore closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. I decide to follow his lead, and do the same.

At first it doesn’t really feel like I’m doing anything, I just feel a warm breeze coming from the open windows beside us. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough? I shake my head and take another deep breath, resting my palms on my knees like Ben had.

After a few seconds of breathing slowly I start to feel a pull, wondering if it’s what Ben was talking about I give into the pull. Before I know what is happening, I feel like I am seeing something outside of my body. I realize what I’m seeing is the skyline of the city my parents had brought us to. Suddenly I’m seeing a beautiful garden, overflowing with flowers. Then people, but not any two people, it’s us.

I am sitting next to Ben, matching his pose exactly, both of us breathing in unison. That’s when I feel it, the electricity I felt earlier when we had touched. This time it wasn’t so shocking, it felt soothing, like you were safe, home.

“What are you two up to?” A voice calls from a far away place. But it was enough to pull me from the warmth, and I instantly yearned for it to come back to me. I open my eyes and see my mother standing in front of me. I take a look at Ben, wondering if he felt the warmth that I had felt. His eyes were locked on me, and I felt a tiny bit of that warmth again. “Rey?” My mother asks, worry filling her voice.

I turn my attention to my mother, finally realizing that we were no longer alone. “Sorry, I’m okay. Uh-” I shake my head, attempting to gather my thoughts and realize she hadn’t asked if I was okay. “We were meditating. Like the Jedi do.” I tell her, hoping that that somehow made up for my scatterbrain.

“Did you enjoy that?” She questions, smiling between the two of us. I nod up at her, wishing she would leave so that I could go back to the warm place with Ben.

---

“Rey.” A voice whispers from beside me. “Rey, wake up we are going to be late.” My eyes shoot open and I turn to look at Ben who is still in bed next to me, but clearly more awake than I am. “Good morning.” He beam, brushing a few strands of hair out of my face.

“Good morning.” I whisper back to him. “How late did I sleep in today?” I take a glance at the clock on the wall noticing it’s already eight in the morning. “Ben! You turned off my alarm?” I jump out of bed, narrowly missing the stand beside the bed.

“Hey! I didn’t turn anything off, someone forgot to turn their alarm on last night.” He laughed, getting out of bed, with more grace than I had ever possessed in my life. “Don’t worry, we don’t have to be there until nine this morning. My mother had a meeting start about half an hour ago, I knew we would have enough time to get ready so I let you sleep in.” He defended himself, following me to the closet.

I shuffle through my uniforms, looking for the newest one General Leia had given me not two days ago. “Where is it?” I huff, not finding the right one. I turn around and see Ben holding it up on the hanger I had taken out last night for this exact reason. “Oh.” I mumble in embarrassment, taking the hanger from him and giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He laughs, and starts looking through the closet for the outfit he wants to wear today. He is one of the lucky few that can get away without wearing a uniform around base as everyone knows who he is. The rest of us have identification attached to our uniforms. I probably could get away with not wearing my uniform at this point, but it felt wrong not wearing the same clothing my co-workers wore.

After ten years with the Resistance, a large portion of that dating the General’s son, I was about as well known as they were. It still didn’t make it fair to not need the same clothing as everyone else. Even General Leia wears her identification, which if I’m being honest it a large part of why I continue to wear mine. Ben can tell me as often as he wants that it’s not needed, but I’ll never not wear it.

I take my time in the bathroom this morning, trying to get my hair just right and making sure my makeup covers the stress acne that’s been showing up since I started my new job. Being in charge of over thirty undercover rebels is a taxing job, but one I wouldn’t trade for the world. General Leia had gotten me the job, despite her wanting me to train more with Ben and Luke, I knew I was needed on base more than off training.

After around twenty minutes in the bathroom, I step out and see Ben waiting for me a huge grin covering his face. “I like when you wear your hair like that.” He pulls me into a hug, and places a few kisses on my neck. “It reminds me of the day I met you. You were wearing it like that then.” I wrap my arms around him, enjoying his touch thinking about the dream I had the night before.

“I dreamt of that day last night.” I tell him, smiling at the memory. The feeling I felt that day meditating with him had only grown over the years. We had met in secret for several months, meditating together and even practicing talking to each other through the force a few times before being caught by General Leia.

She was of course the first person to realize what was going on between us, she could feel the connection between us and got my parents permission to meet her brother, Luke. He had confirmed what General Leia had suspected, that Ben and I share a force bond something that isn’t commonly found between force users.

I trained with Master Luke a handful of times over the years, but I was never truly comfortable with him. He had never been shy about telling General Leia I was a distraction to Ben, even going so far as to ask her to take him off world permanently to separate us. Luckily she never saw our bond that way, she always helped us strengthen our bond, and eventually she became my mentor in the ways of the force.

She made it clear to my parents and I in the beginning that she could only teach me so much as she wasn’t as trained in the ways of the force as Master Luke, but she knew I felt safer with her and that’s what matters.

“One of the best days of my life.” Ben mumbles still holding me close to his body. “I will never forget that day.” His fingers begin playing with one of my braids and I take this moment to breathe before the long day ahead of me.

Mine too. I think making sure he could hear me through the force. It’s not often I choose to talk to him through the force, but some times it’s easier. “We have to get going now, don’t we?” I ask, not really wanting to leave, but knowing that being late to a meeting with his mother wouldn’t look good for me.

“Mhm.” he murmurs, slowly pulling away from me. “Let’s get you there, Admiral.” He laughs, knowing I dislike my official title, or rather when he uses it.

“Don’t call me that!” I slap his chest and start for the door. “You know I don’t like it.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He puts his hands up in mock defense, following me out the door. “But you’re just too cute when you’re embarrassed.” My face turns red as Lieutenant Connix rounds the corner and smirks, obviously hearing our conversation.

“Good morning Admiral Rey, Master Solo.” Kaydel nods her head at both of us as she passes. We returned her greeting and kept walking.

Once she was out of ear shot I spin around and glare at Ben. Our relationship was well known by everyone, but that didn’t mean I liked making a show of it. “No more of that, I need to be taken seriously. I need to be more than the General’s son’s girlfriend.” I give him a pleading look, hoping that he will understand and not take this as me being ashamed of him.

No such luck. A pained look crossed his face for just a moment, but then as neutral as could be. “I understand, I’m sorry.” The quiver in his voice physically pained me, which could have been from the force bond if I’m being honest. Lately we’ve been able to feel each other's emotions as well as physical feelings.

“Ben.” I stop in the middle of the corridor and fully face him. “I didn’t mean it like that. You know how proud I am to be yours, but a few people feel as though I only got my position because I’m dating you. I want to be able to say confidently that I got this job on my own, not because of my personal relationships.”

I can’t help but think back to oveReyring Azah, another candidate for my position, telling her friends that the only reason I got my job was because I slept with the boss. As if Ben had any say so over who his mother hired, anyone with a brain knew General Leia would never decide something so important based on who is dating her son. If it were that simple there wouldn’t have been candidates, I would have just been given the job no questions asked.

“Who said that to you?” His mood shifted so suddenly it almost scared me, but I realized instantly that I had been projecting my feelings, and thoughts which let Ben hear what Azah had said. “Nobody gets to speak to you like that!” He demanded.

“Ben, it’s not that big of a deal. I can handle myself. Besides, she didn’t say it to me. I just oveReyrd her complaining to her friends after I was given the job.” Calming him down when it comes to me is no easy task, he has always been protective of me, sometimes to a fault. But when it comes to this job I need to be able to take care of myself, or nobody will take me seriously.

“It is a big deal. Anyone with that kind of mindset has no business working for my mother, not only is that moronic thinking derogatory in terms of my mother and her capabilities as a General, but you. Nobody gets to speak about you like that.” His anger was radiating off him, literally. Anyone with eyes could see how angry he is, but I can feel the anger.

“Ben. You need to calm down, please. We are going to see your mother, if she sees you like this she will bring up sending you to your uncle again. Please calm down.” I’m doing my best to send calming energy to him, but he isn’t making it easy. General Leia had brought up a handful of times that she is worried about how quick he is to anger, and she thinks Master Luke would be able to help him with that, but what nobody not even General Leia understands is how much worst that would be for him.

The few times he had been sent, without me, to see his uncle his anxiety had been so bad that it usually took weeks for him to get back to his normal self once he was home. It kills me to see him like that, he is always so exhausted once he returns I can’t bear to see him like that again. “Please.” I beg him one more time, reaching my hand for his.

As soon as his hand was in mine it’s like the anger just vanished, he isn’t happy but the has clearly dissipated. “Thank you.” I whisper, smiling at him hoping to get one in return. Anything for you.

We make our way to General Leia’s office, and wait until she lets us inside. “Oh, Ben.” She smiles nervously “I hadn’t realized you would be joining Rey this morning.” She glances between us, like she has more to say but nothing comes out.

“Is it okay that I’m here? I’ve always accompanied Rey to her meetings with you.” He defends himself. I can feel a bout of anxiety building up in him, so I brush my hand against his. A subtle gesture I’m able to do to help calm him, most people don’t notice but of course his mother does.

“No of course you can join us. I just hadn’t thought about it I suppose.” She clearly took note of my gesture and knew what was going on, neither of us being able to be the cause of tension for him.

None of us say anything for a moment while we are getting situated in her office. After a minute she glances at me and gives me a look of pity. “What happened?” I ask instantly, knowing something was wrong.

“Nothing has happened.” She reassures me quickly “But I have something that I need you to do for me. I don’t trust anyone else enough with this.” Her glances between Ben and I only added to my nerves.

“Of course, anything for you. What do you need from me?” There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do to help the Resistance, especially for General Leia.

“We’ve gotten a hint at a possible base of operations for the First Order.” She tells us slowly, looking at Ben, presumably trying to gage his reaction to the mention of the First Order. Their leader, Snoke, had been trying to get his hands on Ben for several years now.

I nod, hoping she will continue. “The Kyuzo who is offering the information only knows limited basic, so we need someone who speaks Kyuzo. You are the only one I know, and trust, that speaks Kyuzo. Would you be willing to travel to meet him?” Her tone was almost pleading, as if I could say no to her. Even if I wanted to the idea of helping find a First Order base was too exciting to pass up.

“Why can’t he use a translator?” Ben demands, looking between his mother and I like we are insane. “They make those for a reason. Why would this Kyuzo only know enough basic to offer a hint, something isn’t adding up!”

(Part 2)(Masterlist)

[kowaindar0u]

💭 (sengo), 🪽(sada), 💞(yuichi), 🗡️(yasu), 💔(fudou)

[ IN CHARACTER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT QUESTIONS . ]

under the cut cause these shits are long again lol

💭 THOUGHT BALLOON — is there something or someone you find yourself thinking about more often than other things? if so, why do you think you do this?

If I must answer this... well. Of course I am always thinking of my dear master. Fond thoughts, to be sure, but also...there's always a little...niggling in the back of my mind. 'What-ifs', so to speak. And... during, and after returning from, our lengthy mission among the Tokugawa, my thoughts have been perhaps more occupied by that of those I spent that time with. Tonbokiri, Ookurikara, Ishikirimaru, Nikkari, and Monoyoshi-kun... Of course being a fellow Muramasa, Tonbokiri has always seemed to understand me more than anyone else. But even the rest of them, I... I suppose there is likely no way to spend so long with a group of people like that and not kindle some kind of bond with them-- at least that's how I feel. I don't know if their feelings toward me are any different than they were when we began. I just know that when they each left us, one by one, fulfilling their rightful end in that timeline... even though I knew they were simply returning home, it really felt as if a loved one had died. And then of course... there are Gohei and Nobuyasu. Two pure, innocent, kind souls who deserved far better than what they'd been given. I never expected to become so attached to a child of all things, but even though I did so from a distance compared to my fellow touken danshi there, I still feel like I helped raise that boy myself. I don't know if I would consider myself a parent, but... The hatred I harbor for that boy's real father is immeasurable. I think about them all so much. I still grieve them, I think, even though I'm not sure what to do with myself when it hits. Even my fellow touken danshi who returned before Tonbokiri and I... sometimes I still think or dream about their 'deaths' and... well. At least I can remind myself they're still here, alive.

🪽 WING — if you could choose to have one superpower for a day, what would it be and why? what would you do with it?

ANY SUPERPOWER? Oh man, that's a hard choice! But you know what, I think I would choose to be able to fly! How cool would that be, y'know?! Especially if you could go super fast, just zoom around in the air! Think about it!! Oho, also... Imagine the surprises I could give Tsurumaru! Just fly way up and then when I spot him, just dive-bomb him! Hehehe...

💞 REVOLVING HEARTS — who and/or what are you most grateful for in your life?

Ah... without a doubt, my touken danshi. Perhaps it's a bit cliche of me to say as a saniwa, but... I'd be remiss if I said anything else. My life with them is wildly different, in the best of ways, from what it was before I ever knew them, and... I could not and would not give them up or trade them for anything in the world, not a single one. Without them... well, I'm nothing.

🗡️ DAGGER — what is something or someone you know you can’t afford to lose? how far are you willing to go to make sure you don’t lose it/them?

Why would you ask me something stupid like that? Ugh. Fine. But you'd better not tell anyone what I'm about to say. Yamatonokami. I know that idiot feels the same about me, but I'd give my life for him. He's my brother. It's my job to try and protect him when I can. And... I guess it's my job to tolerate him, too, even outside of battle, so he doesn't ditch me, yeah? [in souyasu verse, there's also this lol] Yamatonokami... and Souza. He's... I don't know what it is. I don't know why he likes me the way he does, but... I'm glad he does. If anyone hurt him in any way... well. I don't think they'd see the light of day again, even if it means I don't either.

💔 BROKEN HEART — is there anyone in your life you wish you had a better relationship with? if so, how come? what makes this person important to you?

[he is probably a few glasses deep of amazake to be answering this lol] Mmm... I wish... I wish... Hasebe and I got along better... I wish we could interact without fighting and yelling and screaming... I don't even know why. I don't think he likes me at all. I want to like him, though... I want to get along with him. I think if I could manage to not make him hate me so much... maybe all of us Oda swords could get along better and be happier, yeah? But I just can't help myself around him, he always knows just what to say to get under my skin! Sigh...

[springfallendeer]

Just a general thanks

To everyone who started following/interacting recently. I really appreciate the interactions that I do get here.

The holidays tend to be a rough time of the year as is, and some years the seasonal depression hits harder than others. Even now, six hours to new years where I’m at. Its hitting pretty rough. Honestly guys, just don’t bother reading beneath the cut. Its depressing and I don’t want to be dragging anyone down. This is just something to try and process some emotions.

I’ve been on tumblr for years. I met some of my closest friends here, years ago. One of which eventually went on to save me from homelessness after a long, long string of horrible life events.

I’m one of those examples of how horrible life can be. My mother was horribly abusive to myself and my siblings, physically and mentally. I grew up isolated and never really having friends. I was the weird kid that couldn’t really form bonds with people. Because I was one of those kids that got fucked over by the medical system, I spent the first 12 years of my life drugged out of my mind on ADHD meds that did weird shit to me.

Life has been a process. The holiday season always sucked, because it just made me more aware of how bad off I was compared to everyone else. My mother was the black sheep, and I was her spawn. In the rare event that we went to a family event, we were excluded. So my early Christmases were spent watching everyone else gets presents. Because they were family events, everyone had to sit around and watch as everyone opened gifts. One by one.

My mother was stingy and she cared more about herself than about providing comforts to her children. There were always money issues. By the time I was in my teenage years, I learned never to expect gifts. Not real gifts. The best I could ask for was to go out to eat on my birthday. Any time I was given a real gift - something like a game console, or a laptop - there were strings attached. I was made to feel guilty every time I wanted something.

I still struggle to come up with any sort of an idea for what I’d want when asked what I’d like for Christmas/my birthday. So right now I am struggling. And its a struggle that tends to mix and mingle with other emotional distresses in my life.

I genuinely have a tough time most days, because even though I’m living with and often around friends, I feel alone. And its one of those things where I feel guilty for being lonely. Because its not really anyone’s fault. I just don’t enjoy a lot of the content that my friends enjoy. And by the time I get around to getting interest in something they do enjoy, they’ve moved on to something else.

So even though I enjoy writing and roleplaying and playing games, I just don’t get too. Because my interests never get to line up with the group, I’m the odd one out. The one left out of everything. And by now I’ve just stopped trying to be included, because it just led to additional hurt feelings. It always kinda sucks to finally get someone to roleplay with you, only for you to stop getting responses after 2-3 goes. Meanwhile the friends you were roleplaying with are just, busy with each other. Constantly.

And it is constant. Its a daily thing. Often all day. And while I’ve tried to nicely bring up that I’m feeling left out, its never led to much. You can’t force someone to want to engage in something if they aren’t interested in. And this has been going on for a few years, unfortunately.

In November I caught covid. While I was sick with covid, I somehow discovered the DCA in security breach. And for whatever reason, I just kinda fell in love with them. Again, there were attempts at getting involved in the friend group. But again, I’d developed my interest in something just a little too late. They were back into Pokemon, thanks to the recent release. And I’ve already gotten into Pokemon, only to be swiftly left behind a few days after. More than once.

So I started writing a personal project. And I started to post it. But everywhere I’d ever been active has been dead for years, and the audience I had, existed for a fandom that I can no longer stand to associate with. On pretty much every platform, interactions are dead silent.

Then I start looking into it and I realized that nothing I was posting was even turning up in the tumblr search option. And I’m still trying to get that sorted. And I was just sat here getting more emotionally frustrated. Because God, it really fucking sucks to feel alone all the fucking time. It really fucking sucks to enjoy something only for that love to slowly get sucked out of you because nothing ever seems to give you a break.

Then suddenly, someone took notice. And while I’m not getting a lot of traction on anything, its the most I’ve had in YEARS. And its great. And I feel stupid that it makes me so happy. And it upsets me, because after years of these interactions in personal friends groups - where I finally get involved with something and get to enjoy it, only to be left behind to my own devices. Alone with nothing by my own thoughts for entertainment.

And I know it can happen here. And it sucks. Because its nice to be able to just sit around doing silly shit and being able to enjoy stupid, silly interactions with other people. Especially after horrible days at work or just horrible days with my own thoughts. So I’m excited but I’m scared. I want to sit here and hope things will just continue. That I’ll have those 2-3 people that I might get lucky and be able to maintain a consistent interest with. All the while its just going to eat at the back of my head that in the near future, its all going to be gone and I’m going to be alone again.

And I just don’t really know what to do about it. So I’m trying to enjoy it while it lasts, but its hard. Early life fucked me up and ruined me. Adult life is harder to process. And regardless of whatever might happen, I don’t really have any sort of control over it.

[bratz-kitten]

blockages that the placements need to work through 

here are some things i’ve been working on ft. the astrological placements that i believe they’re revelant to, in case anyone else needs this 

sun aspecting venus, harsh aspects to the ascendant - saying no. it’s not so much like... a need to say yes to please other people, but a fear of saying no and facing the repercussions of it. lately i’ve been trying to simply say no to things that make me uncomfortable because turns out i do have a great difficulty setting boundaries lmfao. when my male friends make a sexual comment about me, i just say “stop, don’t talk about me like that” and when people invite me to hangouts that i don’t have the energy to go to i simply say “i won’t go, but thank you for inviting me”. the most difficult part is dealing with the guilt that comes with refusing others, and i’m telling myself that it’s okay to piss people off if it’s to maintain my feeling of safety 

moon in capricorn, moon harshly aspecting saturn - letting myself depend on others. i’m coming to terms with the fact that i’m not as big of a lone wolf as i believe myself to be lmfao. like, it’s okay that i depend on my emotional bonds sometimes! it’s okay to allow myself to love with no restrictions, with no “but i can’t let them see me vulnerable”, with no “what do i get out of this connection?”, no “oh i have to be nonchalant about how much i care for them or else they’re gonna know they have power over me and abandon me” no. i’m letting myself write the dumb sappy texts, to make the effort, to show how much i care, to open up to others. i’m easing with my calculating instincts. i don’t have to drown in my loneliness and i refuse to spend a lifetime avoiding getting close to others in fear of them hurting me. i’m working on seeing my strength, like... it’s ok if they hurt me because i will survive 

saturn in gemini, mars in the 12th house, mars harshly aspecting neptune - taking action when i need to. especially in real life, i have a lot of difficulty with taking action. like, if i’m in an argument with someone, or if someone is actively pissing me off, my first instinct is to end the conversation and escape so that it won’t escalate. theoretically, that’s smart... in practice, it makes me gulp down a lot of situations in favor of keeping the peace, and it makes me live an entirely different life in my mind vs. in reality. like, in my mind, when something happens i’ll fantasize about being assertive and talking back to the person, about standing my ground. but in real life i just... quietly move to a different room. plus it’s difficult for me to feel things in the moment, like something will happen and i won’t register it but days later i will think back on it and be practically fuming in anger. these past few weeks i’ve been working on just, saying what i want to say. even if i’m aware the situation can escalate, at least i won’t have any regrets, and it’s made me realize that people aren’t as easy to anger as i thought them to be, and that i’m stronger than i believed myself to be 

moon harshly aspecting jupiter - allowing myself to break down. my moon opposite jupiter is at a 0º orb, and when i tell you i feel every ounce of it, i really do. like, my emotions are extremely disregulated. on one hour i will be at the highest of the highs, and then the next hour i’ll be crying on the floor telling myself i’m the worst person alive. which just... causes me to feel even more guilty about how i speak to myself, and about how volatile my emotions are, and then i’m just a mess of guilt and self-criticism and “stop acting like a baby”; i feel easily overwhelmed and like i’m doing way too much, overreacting to every possible situation. and then, an hour later, im just like.... emotionally numb. anyways, instead of making it worse by blaming myself for my emotions, i’ve been just. allowing myself to feel. no guilt, no shame, just allowing myself to feel bad because of the innate belief that i’ll get over this, i’ll move forward, it’ll get better 

venus harshly aspecting the ascendant - dealing with a poor self-image. i have a lot of issues with my body image. so, instead of analyzing my body from every single angle and blaming myself for it, i’ll just. not look in the mirror. like, you know when you’re a kid, you’re barely aware that you have a body - it’s there, it functions, it helps you play and eat and grab things, but you don’t really spend time thinking about it’s shape and appearance because it doesn’t matter. that’s the mentality i’m trying to work with right now, that my body is there: it deserves food, exercise, to be washed and dressed in comfortable clothing, and that’s that. i’m releasing myself of the judgment that comes with my poor self-image 

natal saturn retrogade - stop buying things just to watch them sit there. like, i buy things that i don’t even use. or i buy things that i plan to use, but then i end up not using them out of guilt of having bought them, or lack of energy to use them, or fear of using them and messing up. so, what i’m doing is grabbing all the things i don’t use, and if i truly don’t want to use them, i’ll simply discard of them, and if i do want to use them, then i’m making plans to do so. no letting them sit in my room and feeling guilty every time i look at them 

mars dominance, mars aspecting personal planets, mercury aspecting pluto, debilitated moon (in capricorn or scorpio) - stop verbally insulting others in discussions. the point of having a discussion is to explain both perspectives and come to an agreement/compromise, not to try to win. unfortunately, this is something i’ve always had great difficulty understanding lmfao. as soon as i’m in a discussion the point stops being to shed light on the situation but to use the words i know will hurt the person the most so that they’ll feel the pain that i feel. when someone is not understanding me, part of me just wants to make them go through what i went through so that they’ll get it - especially if i have an emotional attachment to the person (for example, them being my family or romantic interest). this is extremely toxic and it’s giving me when your parents say “when i was younger i had it much more worse than you, and i’m going to somehow make this your problem”. so, i’ve been thinking twice about what i say to people. is what i’m about to say to this person relevant to this discussion, or do i just want my words to sting them so i can watch them crumble? i ask myself this question, and i try to show others the empathy that i want them to show me. 

planets in the 12th house, lilith in the 12th house - developing a better sleep schedule. i don’t remember the last time that i went to sleep before 5am, and this has greatly impacted my mental and physical health in general. like, i’ll go to bed extremely late, and then i wake up late and it takes me hours to find the strength to get out of bed because i just feel so shitty. the reason why i avoid sleeping early is because i struggle a lot with nightmares, because of my own paranoid thoughts and fears, and because it’s my “peaceful” time. like, during the day i have to deal with my parents being awake and... well, just existing in general, and i have to deal with my responsibilities and my family, but at night i get to just exist for myself and do whatever. but also, i struggle a lot with intrusive/paranoid thoughts that keep me from falling asleep. this is due to my anxiety and mental health problems, and to be honest i still don’t really know what to do to deal with this. like... the thing that’s helped me the most so far is to turn off my phone/computer since i get headaches easily, petting my cat until i feel calm enough to at least try to sleep, and to avoid taking naps throughout the day since that’ll just leave me with way too much energy at night 

[getosboobies]

reasons i think matchablossom is or has been canon!

once again, i have become overly obsessive and have throughly analysed each and every kaoru & kojiro scene that we currently have. i indulged and created my own list of “ are they besties or are they banging or both “ but i have decided to share it all with you :))

( keep in mind, i’m a reacher and these are just my interpretations. i will go to any extent to prove myself correct - no matter how unlikely )

so first of all, we have the fact cherry is the only one we have yet to see at joe’s restaurant after hours. this immediately shows that they are extremely comfortable with each other and spend a lot of time together even when they’re not skating. it also potentially suggests cherry is waiting for joe to go home, maybe a habit they’ve developed over time. before these scenes, the producers always show an image of the restaurants front door which states closed. by showing this frame, it obviously gives the impression it’s important for us to know that it is closed and therefore showings us that joe and cherry’s relationship is more than just some rivalry banta and that they have an established friendship built on trust and time. the creators could have just not shown that it was closed and had us assume that’s they were just good friends who spent time together but they went a whole step further and showed us these two men’s personal lives are somewhat intertwined with one another, showing us that they don’t have large boundaries for each other which would be considered strange in contrast to the “ arguing “ we had previously seen between them. if this isn’t enough for you, in these scenes we also see joes uniform unbuttoned so i take this as even more evidence of how comfortable they are around each other. also ! restaurants tend to close quite late ( avg. 8pm-12pm ) and on all the shots of the closed door, it has been dark outside. why wouldn’t cherry be home at this time settling down or something??? or maybe cherry has a lot of love for joe if he’s willing to wait that long for him to finish work... just sayin’. more on this, i analysed the restaurants design and noticed that the plug in the wall is really low down to the ground. maybe this is just one of joes odd design techniques or maybe it was specifically placed for cherry to charge carla, the concept of which, makes me very happy

keeping on the point of joe’s restaurant, whenever we have seen cherry inside he always sits right in front of the kitchen, this is pretty normal unless you think about 1) how much time he spends there 2) how busy restaurants get 3) he came there while he was with a colleague. we’ve already seen that cherry doesn’t mind coming after hours so why did he come during the day if he knew joe would be busy? this is similar to the fact he came in with his colleague in episode 2 - he obviously wasn’t expecting to be able to talk with joe while he was out for a work meal, so why on earth would he sit right in front of where joe would be, which is situated in a considerably inconvenient table for work meal? what i’ve interpreted from this is that cherry’s must enjoy being in joes presence. cherry canonically having anxiety would explain why he likes being close to someone who he knows well, and that cares for him. being able to see and hear joe so close is perhaps very relaxing for cherry.

now when i watched sk8 for the first time, i gather the impression that joe was a forgive and forget kinda guy when it came to someone who did him wrong. when we’re introduced to adam it’s evident there is some hostility within joe but this does not nearly compare to the anger cherry showed. when suggesting a beef their intentions seem to be completely different. cherry outrightly admitting to his grudge and anger for adam whereas joe seems to just want to prove a point to adam by winning against him ( i mean look at the image above, their facial expressions show it all ). but i noticed that as cherry would speak about adam, joe’s intentions slowly shifted and became far more serious and full of anger. “ there’s someone i’d like to punch “ is a sentence said by joe in episode 8. this is quite different to what we had seen in earlier episodes of him just wanting to make a point. i think this shift was predominantly when joe found cherry at the ocean view. joe knew how cherry was feeling towards adam BEFORE this scene because he knew where to find him, but the realisation that cherry was standing there, alone, and reliving some of his saddest memories probably hit joe that cherry couldn’t do this alone. therefore stepped up his game and met cherry’s loathing so they could do it together. as far as things go, this is one of the most important things they have done for each other because it shows clearly how devoted they are to each other.

this is one of the most confusing lines in this show thus far. i’m sure it’ll make sense in the oncoming episodes but i have come to two conclusions. so either adam has created this false reality of what happened and has told himself his evil ways stemmed from joe and cherry or, the more likely in my opinion, adam always felt like he was in need of a partner, a rival but also someone to love. this is displayed in the show in his predatory ways, aka, he wants his own ‘eve’. now there’s no ruling whatsoever that a skater needs any sort of dedicated rival, or skate partner, so i believe adam probably got this want from his peers, for example, joe and cherry. adam seems to believe you need to love your ‘eve’ and it gives me the idea that maybe he saw joe and cherry -in love- and decided that was what he wanted, but then as we know he went about it in an extremely toxic way. the “was it so“ was really hard to interpret, he’s clearly quite smug by the way he shrugs and smiles and shows that he’s very confident about what he’s saying but the question is short and leaves a lot unknown, which suggests why cherry and joe don’t respond. either they are as confused as i am, or they have a slight idea what adam could be suggesting and they feel guilty. we all know cherry and joe aren’t bad hearted people but as adam is insinuating ‘no, you guys parted ways from me first’ it could suggest that joe and cherry had perhaps become closer in high school and had developed a stronger bond than they had with adam and this left adam feeling lost and alone. this is more of a canon compliant headcanon that would make sense rather than a fact but it’s certainly something to think about.

one of the most obvious factors in their relationship is how they always know what the other is thinking or planning. we’ve seen in recent episodes that when cherry was racing, joe knew exactly what his motive was even without discussing it, thats enough information to show how well they truly know each other and how connected they really are. it’s also shown with cherry. when joe is racing, and is going extremely fast towards the corner, we see a frame of miya and shadow being worried for him, but then it shifts to cherry watching and there’s not a spec of worry on his face because he KNOWS what joe is planning and knows he will be fine. they know each other’s techniques better than anyone and it shows they don’t doubt each other’s choices one bit.

we learn right from the beginning that cherry and joe like to argue and fight, at first we think this is because they dislike each other but we learn that they are best friends. so when watching back you notice that none of the insults are ever actually insulting. let’s think about it, the most common insults they use are gorilla, dimwit and four-eyes. now to me, none of these actually seem insulting whatsoever and even if they do like to argue a lot it’s obvious they never ever mean any harm to one another.

from analysing the scenes one of the things i’ve noticed the most is how cherry and joe turn up and leave together. when the cops came during the langa x adam skate they both started to run off together leaving everyone else behind. as we know, they spend a lot of their personal lives together but leaving and turning up together every single time we’ve see them there seems like they’re a bit more attached than i originally thought. there’s a chance they meet before hand but why always that late at night? why aren’t they ever at home alone? unless...they live together. i mean it’s a perfectly valid suspicion right now as we’ve never seen either of their homes and we’ve never seen either of them turn up anywhere alone but either way it confirms they spend an awful lot of time together in general life. going back to my original point of them not only turning up and leaving together but they also never leave each other’s sides. there’s a heap of frames that you can see them standing together watching a beef or even just them talking. they’re literally attached at the hip and nothing makes me happier.

the creators of the show have made countless points to show that joe and cherry have a lot of history. from the school references to the fact they have TRAVELLED THE WORLD TOGETHER. they could have just shown one or two so we know that as a general fact they’ve known each other a long time but they bring it up an awful lot for it to be just a general fact. this being shown so much let’s us know that this is important information and that they’ve obviously wanting to lay down a foundation to bring something crucial up. so far they have mentioned their social studies trip, a school excursion, joes love for haunted houses, holiday to La and the Paris bar they went to. now you might be thinking, oh they were in the same school they probably just went on a trip together nothing confirms they were close, well i am here to prove that statement false. joe said he found cherry’s wallet, this not only shows that joe was close to cherry when he lost it but also that he knew where to find it, showing how well he knew cherry. another point is that legal age to drink in Paris is 18 so unless they had fake ID it’s safe to say this is a trip they’ve done since becoming adults and leaving school. it’s also canon that have gone together, so the fact they’ve been travelling as adults together is quite interesting. same with the restaurant in LA, sounds kinda like a date.

over the course of the episodes we’ve seen so far there has been a few comments they have made to each other that suggest a little bit of jealousy. for cherry, these comments are made in episode 6 in the hot spring. cherry brings up joes love for haunted houses and then joe agrees and says it’s because “chicks get scared and grab onto me” * with a smirk *. now what’s interesting about this is cherry’s response. “you really are a scumbag” this insult feels a lot more insulting than usual and the response itself surprised me. at this moment cherry looks away from joe which is an action people tend to do when they’re hurt or pissed off. either works in this scenario but neither make much sense as we know cherry’s already aware of joes status with girls. so why was he mad? well this was obviously a fond memory of cherry’s and joe replying with a statement about girls probably made him a bit angry because that was supposed to be their memory. but joes smirk with the comment makes me rethink, did he state that on purpose to make cherry jealous? obviously we can’t be sure but the entire encounter left me a bit confused. now onto joes jealousy, in episode 2 dub joe says “dude, you’re talking to a machine?” now in context this seems like joe is partially bewildered by the fact cherry is casually talking to his AI skateboard but he also seems slightly jealous that cherry is talking to carla instead of talking to him. this is one of the only scenes where joes facial expressions actually seem insulted rather than just having a bit of fun. he follows this up with “figured you’d give your board a girls name seeing as you can’t get a real one!” why can’t he get a real one? we hear tonnes of girls screaming compliments at cherry when he turns up so he definitely could get a girlfriend if he wanted, and joe no doubt knows this too, so why would he use it as an insult? i’m not sure what to make of this but it’s got to be a factor somewhere.

more on the haunted mansion chit chat, the line about chicks grabbing onto joe is quite funny when you look at the entire scene, because as soon as they get jumped they grabbed onto each other in fear. seems a little ironic if i do say so myself.

they both seem very secluded about their personal lives. cherry more specifically does not like the use of his skate name in his personal life or vice versa. joe is the only one we have seen to be aware or use cherry’s real name. the way joe slips up and calls cherry ‘kaoru’ at “S” shows how close they are and how much time they spend together to be able to accidentally mix up the two parts of their lives. this is just an extra point on how conjoined their lives must really be. in the photo above we see how cherry easily calms joe down when he starts to get annoyed. joe is the only one who knows fully about cherry’s life as emotions and cherry is the same for joe.

now one of the most heart wrenching matcha blossom scenes is when joe finds cherry at the ocean view. i have a lot to say about this so let’s start at the beginning. first of all, joe noticed cherry was missing. it’s not like cherry was there for a massive amount of time, so joe noticing that cherry was gone for even as much as an hour or two really says a lot about the placement they have in each other’s lives. there was really no reason for joe to worry about where cherry was considering they’re grown adults but he continued to go out and find him anyways. this is also set in the late afternoon judging by the sky, whereas the previous scene had been set at night at “s”, so this is suggesting the ocean view scene is on a completely different normal day for them (another factor showing how much time they spend together). next, the fact joe knew exactly where to find cherry. this truly shows how much they know and how connected they are to each other but also how well they understand the others coping mechanisms. cherry was dwelling on memories from 7 years ago and yet joe still knew exactly what he was doing and what he was thinking about. plus cherry didn’t even seem surprised when joe turns up. but one thing i noticed is that in this scene is the way they (in this case, didn’t) hold eye contact. while cherry is faced away, joe is staring at him but as soon as cherry meets joes eyes, joe turns away. either joe didn’t want to be caught staring or joe realised something crucial in that moment. i’ll let your mind decide what that is.

obviously, miyas comment about joe and cherry being his parents is a light hearted joke just to ruin joes chances of flirting with girls but it also implies that the group can tell that joe and cherry are respectively closer than anyone originally thought and they perhaps have caught on that the tension between them is a little bit too gay to be just a bit of banta. obviously in this scene we then see joe looking at cherry’s legs while a blush clearly intensifies on his face. yeah no, this is self explanatory.

one of the things i like about joe and cherry’s relationship is the fact that within that joe also has a somewhat dynamic with carla. although carla is non-living, there has been several interactions between them. for example the beginning of episode 6 on the boat joe recognises carlas voice immediately. i mean straight off i think it’s suspicious as hell that they all happened to be going there at the same time but the fact joe realised cherry must be there because of the sound of an AI skateboard? that’s impressive. also, at the beginning of the series carla is aware of who joe is when calling joe an imbecile, this shows that cherry has obviously had this modified to specifically refer to joe as joe rather than just refer to him as a general person.

there was a popular tiktok i saw the other day (if anyone has the username of the person please tell me so i can credit them!!) and it showed the two images above. in these photos it shows joes skateboard and his odd looking wheels. the creator of this video further analysed that these reflect the general outlook of a cherry blossom flower. though the actual wheels in real life don’t look as similar to a flower as they do in the show. but now if this is what they’re meant to look like, this is a really sentimental fact and shows how highly joe thinks of cherry in his skating career. but what about his personal life? well that’s where my analysing comes in. i noticed in the dessert joe makes in episode 5 he had a range of fruits displayed on the top as well as a single flower. this flower looks identical to a cherry blossom. once again the reflection of cherry within joes life makes an appearance. we’ve seen that flowers actually mean something in this show (toxic example but adam’s red roses for langa) so it would make sense for this to actually mean something about their relationship. i studied a range of Japanese desserts and, although every chef works differently, most of the dishes tend to only have a display of fruits and no flowers. so i have come to the conclusion that this dish certainly had some symbolism to cherry in joes life, some way or another.

so overall, their dynamic already shows that they have a very thin and mistakable line between very close best friends and potential lovers. although some of this was based off personal interpretation the majority is cinematic displays and general facts. so take this and use it however you like. let me know your opinions and other factors you have! for all i know i could be completely disproven with the next few episodes but surely if this many people see a bit more than just a friendship there’s got to be a reason for it.

if we can have one lgbt+ character... why not two more?

[thetriggeredhappy]

recently rediscovered your blog and read the fic from your dad spy au where scout starts out as the "guard" and then becomes scout from there and lemme tell you that shit put me on some s-tier brainrot. like a cranial decay type beat.

i had a concept in my head that instead of being hired as a guard, he could have been hired as a right hand man to the administrator like pauling, because i think hed be awesome in that position. like imagine having a personal merc who can get in fast and out even faster. but maybe he would stay in the base like the rest of them, sort of like a secret on call intel gatherer, who also maybe sometimes has to dig a couple graves. and also like, nobody on the team expects anything from him at first because its this 20 year old newbie kid. hes dressed in his formal clothes and he talks like somebody from relatively around boston but not quite. i can just imagine one day he comes back during a team dinner with his shirt half untucked and stained with blood, hair disheveled as he asks soldier if he can borrow his shovel, or him debriefing them for a mission when miss pauling is busy. same vibe as the fic i mentioned before but scout gets to have a job as cool as miss paulings. honestly id write it myself if i didnt have the attention span of a fly

anyways your scout content gives me life thank you

scout teamfortress but 20% more competent standing next to miss pauling teamfortress while she's doing her job and doing like silly quips and otherwise contributing nothing like it's a buddy cop film is literally my fucking ideal

(warnings for some canon-typical violence)

-

“Oh, Pauling, it’s good to see you again,” greeted the chairman, smiling in an imitation of a grandfather and clasping her hands perhaps too-kindly considering she barely knew him. “Young as ever, and still so stylish, I see. And who’s the new fellow?”

“He’s just here to help with transport, Mr. Montgomery, nothing unusual,” Miss Pauling replied, returning his smile and adjusting her glasses. “Heavy cases, you know how it is.”

“Of course, I remember you almost toppling clean over last time we made a trade!” Montgomery agreed, frowning at the memory. “You’ll pull a muscle that way, better to be careful. It’s a pleasure to meet you, young man. And your name?”

“Mr. Normandy, sir,” the new kid replied easily enough despite his slight East Coast accent, giving the man a firm handshake, expression neutral and stony, the picture of professionalism. Internally, Pauling breathed a sigh of relief.

“Firm grip there, young man,” Montgomery praised, nodding approvingly. “Tennis player, perhaps? Or golf?”

“Baseball, sir,” he replied, still evenly. “First baseman.”

“Ah! Of course! Were you any good?” Montgomery joked.

“At everything but playing in front of the crowds, otherwise I’d be in the major leagues,” he replied, tilting his head just slightly to imply that he was joking, his sunglasses glinting at the movement, and Montgomery barked a laugh.

“I like this one, Miss Pauling!” Montgomery said, and Pauling just barely caught herself from physically relaxing at it.

“We do too, Mr. Montgomery,” she agreed. “I was under the impression that you’re very busy today, so we won’t keep you for too long, we just wanted to sort out the final details surrounding the manufacturing rights for the—“

“—Pacific Northwest branch, up into British Columbia and Alberta, of course,” Montgomery agreed, nodding faintly. “Of course, of course.” He turned to regard his own man in a dark suit, the one standing to the right, who appeared to be unsuccessfully trying to stare down Normandy, who was completely ignoring him. “My briefcase, please.”

The man handed over the briefcase, and Montgomery put it on his desk, opening it and pulling out a sheaf of papers. “All our requests are submitted and approved, at this point we just had a few dustbins to take care of regarding initial percentages and making sure everything is wired to the correct accounts, which names are undisclosed, things like that,” Pauling explained as he glanced through the papers.

“Right, right, everything looks good here,” the man murmured, nodding to himself, sending his long-white hair just ever-so-slightly out of place. “I’m assuming these more sensitive documents should be sent some way besides through the mail?”

“If you finish them today I can take them with me, otherwise either me or Mr. Normandy can return to pick them up at your convenience,” she replied, to which Normandy gave a singular nod.

“Oh, it would only take me a short while,” Montgomery said, waving a hand. “We have a lovely lounge just down the hall from here if you’d prefer to wait there, it should only take me ten, fifteen minutes at most. In the meantime, I do believe there’s also the manner of payment for services rendered.”

Miss Pauling tilted her head just slightly to one side, confused.

“I arranged with Helen already,” Montgomery explained, not looking up from where he was initialing a few things. “The payment, rather than being wired, she asked to be made in material investment. A venture of mine from years ago that she’s willing to sit on. Rather than gold or bonds, she agreed to take some old currency of mine that my family collected, from early 18th century New Zealand and Australia. Monetarily it’s worth around the same, and I’m quite a bit attached to it to be entirely frank, but it was at her request to buy the whole collection from me, and after years of the work we’ve been doing together, well, I’d never trust it with anyone else.”

He gestured to the other man, the one on his left, who stepped forward to hand him a manila envelope, which he passed to Pauling.

“Inside is both keys, the door alarm codes, and all other security information for the building where the collection is being stored. They’ll ask for a few codes and confirmation of identity, only because several other art collections and artifacts are being stored there by other affluent individuals such as myself.”

“Thank you, Mr. Montgomery,” Pauling said, taking the envelope gratefully.

“Think nothing of it, my dear. Helen talked me into it all her own,” he said easily enough. “Now, gentlemen, if you would let Miss Pauling and Mr. Normandy into our lounge? I should have these wrapped up before any of us can even think about lunch, eh?”

One of the suits showed the two of them through the doors and down the hallway, through two doors bracketed by similar suits who simply nodded politely at Pauling and ticked their chins at Normandy as they passed them.

Normandy posted up beside the door for all of three seconds before they shut and Pauling pulled her glasses up, rubbing at the bridge of her nose and making a vaguely distressed noise. He then promptly relaxed, instead leaning his hip against an armchair probably worth the same amount as a small car. “So, uh, we’re glad that he’s giving us a bunch of commemorative coins from when dinosaurs still walked the earth?” he asked just below normal speaking volume, eyebrows raised.

“Yes. Very glad. Because unlike about six people total on the planet, he hasn’t figured out yet how valuable those are.”

“What, is a picture of a kangaroo on some copper really gonna make up for a couple hundred thousand American dollars?” Normandy asked, sounding doubtful.

“Not copper. Something else,” she replied. “I can’t tell you much more about it other than that, but these coins are made of something priceless to us. And to the Administrator.”

“…Love? Memories? The magic of family?” he joked, cracking a smile, and she rolled her eyes, moving to open the envelope and start reading the papers inside. “Hey, uh, not to question whether my job should exist, but what the hell am I doing here, exactly? Besides carrying a briefcase. Like, chivalry isn’t dead but I really don’t think you need me carrying your bags and holding the door for you.”

“You’re helping with security, basically,” she replied, adjusting her glasses to squint at tiny handwriting about the collection. “Mr. Montgomery is trustworthy, but he mostly hires out to… well, people like us. His security detail is mostly people we’d rather have screened, freelancers, stuff like that. A lot of people we contract out to are like that. Most of them have heard about me and know better than to try and pull something, since I can hold my own pretty well, but if they haven’t, seeing a second person might persuade them to think it over again.”

“Oh, so I’m like, uh, when it says ‘tow zone’ next to the no parking signs even though nobody checks, or when they’ve got a camera in the corner of the store that isn’t even plugged into anything,” he said, and the looked up at him, confused. “Like, uh, what’s the word�� I’m a casual deterrent.”

“Sure,” she said, because it sounded like he knew what he was talking about, shuffling the papers back away and closing the envelope again, making a note to ask the Administrator if she should change their current containment procedures to be closer to Mr. Montgomery’s. “Just… if there’s a fight, you deal with it, otherwise you just stand there and look like you’re paying attention.”

“That’s what the sunglasses are for,” he agreed. “I was blinking morse code at the guy across from me literally the whole time.”

“You know morse code?” Pauling asked, surprised.

“Just the alphabet, ‘S.O.S.’, and ‘ass’.”

She rolled her eyes again, and that’s when the door opened.

She expected Mr. Montgomery, not one of the men in suits. “Excuse me, both of you, if you don’t mind,”the man said, accent having the slightest English tilt to it, a Londoner if Pauling had to guess. “You’re Miss Pauling, the Mann Co. affiliate, yes?”

“That’s me,” she agreed, hesitant, and glanced at Normandy.

“I’m afraid there’s been a mistake. Mr. Montgomery have you the wrong envelope on accident,” the man said apologetically, extending a hand forward. “We apologize for this unfortunate mix-up, it’s really quite embarrassing, but those documents are sensitive and we’ll be needing to see them back now.”

Pauling looked at him, and within a moment, shifted her expression. “Oh, I’m so sorry!” she agreed, nodding. “No, right, of course. These aren’t the papers for the currency collection?”

“I’m afraid not,” the Brit agreed, head tilting just slightly, hand still extended, moving a fraction further forward.

“Well, thank goodness we figured out now and not with us halfway back,” she joked, and moved to hold the folder closer to her body. “I’ll take this right back to Mr. Montgomery, then.”

“He’s sent me to correct the error,” the man explained simply.

“Right,” she said, and saw in her periphery that Normandy had already started sneaking a hand in towards his primary, clearly having pieced together something she was only suspecting. “We can bring this to his office, then, right down the hall.”

“You misunderstand,” the man said, taking a step forward again. “I’ll be taking it to his office myself.”

“That’s funny,” Pauling said. “I didn’t realize you had clearance to be in there. Or to be carrying a semi-automatic instead of a standard handgun.”

The Brit reached for the semi-automatic, and before he could even get it out properly, Normandy hit one clean shot to the side of his head and another to his thigh, sending him crumpling to the ground.

Pauling had only as far as pulling her own handgun free, thumb on the safety, and breathed a sigh of relief, glancing over at Normandy, shifting to more comfortably hold her gun. “Quick reflexes,” she noted.

“Just noticed a lot sooner, maybe,” he shrugged, stepping forward to glance over the body, tucking his gun back away.

“What was your hint?”

“He’s here to give us the right folder, yeah? Well, why were his hands empty, then?”

She was just starting to nod and realize that as well when a second man shouldered through the door, holding a gun at the ready. Normandy scrambled to draw his own, but Pauling fired a shot into his knee, shoulder, and neck to send him dropping before he was even close. “There’s quick on the draw, and then there’s prepared,” she said pointedly. “Gotta think of if there’s more than one, new guy.”

He nodded, and drew his gun again, bending to hit the guy on the ground at the temple hard enough to knock him out if he wasn’t unconscious already. He then glanced up at the sound of a shout from the other side of the door, two men shouldering through, guns drawn but lowered. It was only the firm eye contact they made with both her and Normandy that made her pause the millisecond it took to realize these ones weren’t trying to kill them.

“Pauling, what on earth is going on here?!” Montgomery demanded, entering the room and staring with wide eyes at the bodies on the ground. “What could’ve possessed you to—“

“He was trying to run off with these documents,” she explained quickly, gesturing with the envelope. “He knew whatever was in here was valuable.”

“He drew his gun, sir,” Normandy added, tipping his head down towards the body, and Pauling glanced down as well and found herself a little surprised. He’d rearranged the man just slightly, apparently, adjusting the arm to be holding the gun a bit further outward. “Other one was aiming to kill.”

“My, my,” Montgomery tsk’d, shaking his head as he surveyed the scene. “What a mess. My apologies, Miss Pauling, Mr. Normandy.”

“It’s alright, but you need to start doing more thorough checks on your staff, Mr. Montgomery,” Pauling stressed.

“He’s only been here two weeks, sir, he was one of the men we hired in a hurry after the incident last month,” one of the bodyguards said, and Montgomery shook his head.

“Thank goodness nobody was hurt,” he sighed. “Mutiny, and besides that, they’re bleeding on my carpet. Here are those papers, Miss Pauling—what a day, eh?”

“It’s really alright, we handled it,” Pauling assured him, giving her bravest smile, a little exasperated now.

“Right, right, you and the first baseman,” he agreed, and Normandy fought back an actual smile.

“If you’d like, we can take care of those for you,” Pauling said, gesturing at the bodies. “To pay you back for the carpet and the scare.”

“Sounds fair to me,” Montgomery agreed, clearly relieved.

-

“My dad’s gonna be pissed, by the way,” Normandy was so helpful as to say on the way back up the path to the base. “And you’re fielding that.”

“About the suit, or the fight?” she asked, glancing at his clothes where he was somewhat covered in a fine dusting of mud and grime from the gravedigging, shovel still in his free hand.

“Both. Mostly the fight. Your fault for saying it’d be an easy one to start with,” he said.

“If it was going to be that much of a problem, you wouldn’t have gotten this job. I’d just have made you go do dishes all day or something,” Pauling replied.

“Point taken,” he said, walking ahead to get the door, holding it open for her. “Wait, we’re allowed to mention what we do, right? Just not names?”

“Or locations, even with travel distance. Round up to the hour if it comes up,” she replied.

“Sure, sure,” he agreed, trailing a step behind her as she led the way through the base.

In the common area, there was a bit of a ruckus happening. Soldier, Heavy, and Demo appeared to be having some kind of arm wrestling competition on a rapidly-toppling table, the Engineer was on a stepstool trying to fix the ceiling fan, and Sniper appeared to be half-watching the beginnings of an argument between Pyro and the Spy regarding use of the oven as Medic patched up a burn on his arm.

“Hullo,” Sniper greeted the two of them, sounding a little bored, Medic giving them a brief, polite nod. Normandy’s eyebrows were raised pretty far as he surveyed the room.

“Hi, Sniper,” she greeted in return, then cleared her throat, raised her voice. “Team meeting in five minutes! New mission for next week!”

Groans from the room at large, the eight mercenaries starting to finish up what they were doing and filing out. Spy moved over, glancing over Normandy and starting to talk to him in rapid-fire French, picking smaller bits of gravel off of his suit as they walked.

“Alright,” she addressed the room, Normandy peeling off from getting mother hen’d by Spy to stand next to the blackboard with her. “Monday, you’re all going on a transport mission. Getting the truck from point A to point B with everything in the boxes intact. Already we’ve had to put up with some people trying to get ahold of these things, so bring your guns.”

“Oh, our guns, you said? Lads, this is a serious one, keep your heads on a feckin' swivel, she’s sayin’ we might even need guns, can you believe it?” Demo faux-gasped, and chuckled when Spy bopped him on the arm, rolling his eyes at the Scot's theatrics.

“Yeah, yeah,” she waved off, flipping through the papers a bit. “So Engie, I’ll need the keys to the truck, me and Normandy are going to be loading those tomorrow, all of you need to be at this drop point bright and early.”

“How early?” Heavy rumbled.

“Six. Hour and a half of drive from here.”

Some complaints from the room that she sighed at.

“Hey, hey, calm the hell down,” Normandy cut in, and she glanced over at him where he had his arms crossed and a stern look on his face. “You chuckleheads get to have all eight of you to unload the damn thing, me and Miss P gotta do all the rest of this on our own and probably kill twenty guys on the way there and back. She had to be up at 6 AM, workin’ since 7 AM, lunch break at noon and nothin’ else, and we just got back now at, what, fuckin’, 10, 11 PM? Any of you work her shift and then see if you even got the energy to complain about wakin’ up early, how about that?”

The room went utterly devoid of complaint or backsass. “Thank you, Normandy,” she said politely, and he just nodded once, glancing off to the side. “Anyways, anything new on this end? Spy, how are you adjusting?”

“Very well,” he said simply. “I have nothing pressing to say. Once I’ve been updated from the stock weaponry provided here to my requested preferred weaponry, I believe I should do just fine.”

“I see you already have Herr Normandy digging graves,” Medic chimed in. “Straight into the hard labor, ja?”

“Eh, hey, y’know, it’s why they keep us young people around,” he shrugged, grinning, and there was a brief uproar to drown out Medic’s entirely offended scoffing and Spy’s snort-laughing.

“Get ‘im, lad!” Demo cheered, and Normandy indeed looked fairly proud of himself.

“Monday, transport mission,” Pauling noted over the noise, writing it up on the chalkboard to hide her own smile from the room. “Normandy, you and me are doing the boxes tomorrow. Everyone on the same page? Good. Dismissed. Oh, and Pyro—stop taking the fire alarms down when they beep. They’re beeping because you light things on fire in the base. Do that outside.”

“Oh, hey, uh, helmet guy, All-American Beef,” Normandy called, and Soldier straightened up. “Here’s your shovel back. Gettin’ my own tomorrow.”


Soldier walked directly over to him, clasping a hand on his shoulder. “That’s a high honor, Cadet,” he said, tone grave. “Do not take this responsibility lightly.”

“I, uh, I won’t?” he said hesitantly, and blinked a few times as the shovel was carefully taken from him before it was promptly marched from the room in double-time. Only then did Normandy look over at her. “So he’s always like that?”

“You’ll get used to it,” she assured, dusting chalk from her hands. “You should get to sleep soon, we have to be up early.”

“Sure thing, Miss P.”

[kayleen756894]

Hello! I hope you’re having a good day so far, I was just wondering how you came to discover amberpricefield and how did your love for this ship spark? Was there any particular moment or event that set it off or was it a more gradual thing?

Oh boy strap in Anon cause I’m about to give you my Life is Strange backstory lmao buckle up kids!

So I played LiS back when it first came out and I was OBSESSED with Pricefield. I loved everything about Max and Chloe’s dynamic. The emotion, drama, loyalty, gay, everything, love them, still do, always will. And while I loved Pricefield, I hated Rachel Amber. All of you peeking at my Rachel icon, all my lovingly written Rachel fics, how I simp for her on the reg:

But I’m serious. I hated her. Venomously. Couldn’t stand even hearing her name. Every time Chloe mentioned her I was yelling at my TV for her to shut up cause Max was right there. I spent a good like year and a half hating Rachel Amber with every fibre of my being. And then—mark your calendars—early in April of 2017 I discovered the fan made visual novel Love is Strange (if you’ve never played it you gotta it’s glorious, gay, soft, 10/10). And because it’s so well made and I love this universe I knew I had to do every route, even though I fucking hated Rachel and wanted nothing to do with her. So after doing everyone else’s I begrudgingly gave her route a try. And Anon My third eye opened. My dead heart revitalized. I’m not sure exactly what moment it was, maybe it was gradual, probably, it’s a blur of feelings and me losing my mind, but I was completely seduced. SHE’S HELLA CHARMING I HAD NO CHANCE. By the end of Rachel’s route not only did my opinion of her entirely 180, but I was head over heels in love with her. And this made me replay LiS with a fresh perspective. I payed more attention. I respected Chloe’s feelings. Let my empathy guide me forward. I tried looking at these events from Rachel’s point of view rather than just blaming her for everything and pointing fingers. Everything that made me feel burning hatred before just made me sad now, made me yearn, made me wish Max could meet Rachel, that Rachel could’ve been given the chance to explain herself, apologize, to become a better person. (Thankfully fanfic writers exist to give her that chance, including myself). So at this point I loved Pricefield, loved Amberfield, and because of the connection between the three characters and what Max would have to go through to save both of them in a perfect timeline, I grew attached to Amberpricefield, I wanted to see them happy and soft and in love, and this sudden spark inspired me to write my first Life is Strange fic which was “Every Step of the Way.” I wasn’t quite sold on Amberprice though, despite this. Mostly because at that point we’d never seen Chloe and Rachel interact. All we knew were some not quite so great things, and with only those things to go on I didn’t think they could last without Max involved to mellow them. And since Life is Strange gave me Pricefield and Love is Strange gave me Amberfield that’s where my passions were strongest. Then the trailer for Before the Storm came out. And the rest is history really lmao I fucking fell in love with Amberprice (anyone who’s seen my reaction to the Amberprice kiss knows how true this is lmfao) and in turn my love for Amberpricefield increased to unbeatable, insatiable levels. And the fandom was so huge at this time that I kinda unknowingly and unintentionally dragged a bunch of people along with me 😂 (to those still here, I love you). And deadass through falling for Amberpricefield and writing about them I realized I was polyamorous myself and god how FREEING it was to realize this I’m telling you. Life-changing. I owe them everything. I owe this series and fandom everything. Life is Strange has taken me on such a journey, how such a burning hatred became such a tender love, and without that journey none of my fics would’ve been written, I wouldn’t have met / bonded with many of the friends I have now, and wouldn’t be who I am today. Thanks for asking anon! Sorry for the rant but I hope it was entertaining lol I love getting questions so feel free to ask me anything anytime! 💕

[officehrs]

dont you think youre being too harsh by saying he should be able to communicate with you since he’s an adult? your confession could have hurt his image considering how much time he has alloted to you,, what went from fatherly love is now pity, did you really think coming clean about your feelings would repair what was already broken. you are a kid, you are his student,, you need to know your place. your increasing attachment to him made you lose sight of what was important about the bond you shared

again thanks anon for the questions,, idk if u are the same person or a different one but either way i do really appreciate it!! it makes me think much more critically of how i perceive our relationship and everything that has happened in its course ,, with that being said, this will certainly be a longer post than usual, just so im able to explain everything.

i highly encourage all of you read this — i explain why i sort of hate him now, how i confessed, how he has changed, and why our relationship cant work anymore.

i should clarify that in my other post, i said “he should be able to communicate since he's an adult” not as something i believe now, but something i believed at the worst of our relationship some weeks ago. though this is an idea that subconsciously lingers (because i believed it so intensely!!), since then, i have experienced events in my personal life that have required me to “grow up,” even more, contrary to what i might project here. to believe he has inherent malicious intent or inherent insensitivity in everything he does surrounding me is completely at odds with how i see humanity as a whole. it wasnt and isnt justified, but i was really just desperate to see that immediate reparation of our relationship like you described, and to me it wouldve been, ideally, this sudden blooming and everything being good between us again. but this is impossible, and i wish i could have warned my earlier self of that much more!! he has experienced things that have changed him since last year and i have experienced things that have changed me also. this is something im trying to accept now.

though i was very childish in my reasoning for choosing to confess, i didnt do it without thinking. for that reason, i fight back more strongly against the idea that my confession could have hurt his image in any way. i loved him and i was extremely saddened by him when i wrote what i did, but i did not want to hurt him so inconsiderately, costing his job or reputation for something that (as i wrote, and as u acknowledge) was literally my fault — that being, my attachment to him 😬 so, i did everything in my power to ensure that this would be private and really only painful for myself. its not easy to confess, i promise!! but anyway, i dont remember if i shared this detail (like my other post), but the confession itself was in the form of a letter, sealed by an envelope that i gave to him directly with no one else around. the contents were, then, completely discreet. as for the confession itself, i shared very sensitive and specific information (like being gender non-conforming and the name i go by, which ive never told anyone, and more details about not having emotionally present parents). this essentially means that the only way the confession could hurt his image is if he told someone about its contents, or anything about it at all, which would be an egregious act on his part — he would be the only method of damaging his image, and in fact, he already has throughout the year!! his students tend to feel that he unfairly treats them, and find him pretty stubborn and unlikable. people loved him a lot more last year when he was more free and caring, including me jsladksjks

but dont be mistaken, anon,, you undeniably speak truth in other things said, and im grateful that you can derive that fundamental truth from what i post here, which i unfortunately have to manipulate (in minor ways) in order to protect myself and r, and really everyone. one thing i absolutely enjoy is how you articulated the change in our relationship ("fatherly love to pity") because its very brief, yet applicable in its entirety; in all its implications. although its a bit painful to see him see ME as this sad character who never experiences joy, its for all the wrong reasons. honestly, in my last post i lied — he didnt feel guilty for treating me like garbage, but he felt guilty for recommending me things to do during this time, which i expressed in the confession and after is NOT the problem. this misunderstanding is something that cant be fixed, though. his ideological change prevents him from seeing the reality of the situation the way i see it, because he would have to change the way he sees reality as a whole; if this happened a year ago, he would not pity me at all. i know this sounds very wrongfully confident, but it is true. people complain about him now, and i dont enjoy his presence anymore because he believes in things that oppose the lives of his students. my confession was then even more immature because i thought, basically “i could fix him” 😵‍💫

in this, you are right anon: i am just a kid. i have proven it time and time again in this post alone!! but, you must understand: i am NOT his student, and i havent been this entire year. when we talked monday, 5/16/22 (the same day i cited in my last post) he also said that in many ways, he is not my teacher. in academic terms, i am not his student — i am an assistant to him who helps the people he actually, actively teaches. in attachment terms, i have horribly turned him into a replacement of my father. and in occupational terms, i have surpassed him intellectually in the subject he used to “privately teach” me about, and therefore, he cant really teach me anymore. when i say privately teach, i mean he would tell me things and give me books to read about the subjects we both had interest in (philosophy, and the social sciences), when i would see him after school. but, because he knew very little about both, i quickly became much more knowing of both areas than he is with what he gave me and my own private study. of course, he knows way more about the subjects he formally teaches (film and lit) than i do, but these i am not really interested in, so he could not teach me unless the material is stuff that im not passionate about. there's more, but i dont want to sound like im bragging, and im sure im not making this any clearer ,,, anyway, overall, i agree with you; though im not his student, i need to know my place. and again, this is something i have been trying to reinforce to myself.

i wanted to add a transition to this by saying the last thing brought up is something that i should clarify, but it cant be clarified because i havent ever said it. nevertheless, let it be known that my increasing attachment to him — at least as i perceive it — is not what made me “lose sight of what was important about the bond [we] shared.” i would argue, even, that i never lost sight of what was important about our relationship. but the issue is that his incompatible views of life (in my view) and his constant maltreatment of me and other people (like my best friend too, actually), have been fueling a decreasing attachment to him. really, my only attachment to him now is to how he made me feel and what he once was.

for the both of us, its best that we do not talk to each other anymore, and this is something i wrote in my confession. additionally, my confession has always served as my ultimate presentation of the truth about our relationship. to r, he was glad to be told the truth, and as he said it the day after i gave him the letter, he would rather know than not to know. to me, last year, i wanted to confess the same way on the day i would graduate, and i finally got to do it this year, although at a completely unplanned time. and with this, i conclude my response 🐇

im very sorry if this is incomprehensible — ive been writing this response for 3 hours now, and im extremely worn from it.. regardless, thank you anon for giving me the opportunity to explain,, please continue to do so by raising those questions (you or anyone else)!!

[ithinkthereforeidread]

the collected poems of todd anderson

christmas day of 1959.

ao3 link here

He knew this day would come. He’s been dreading it, sure, he’d never really enjoyed Christmas much beforehand, his multiple unopened desk sets epitomised such. At his house, fires weren’t warm, hugs were stiff and silence was punctured by the sounds of laughing children in the house next door. It’d always been this way for the Anderson family. Todd grew to accept it.

But this year was supposed to be different.

He was supposed to spend his Christmas at Welton, with all the Dead Poets.

 Usually, the boys would go home to their families for Christmas, but through the efforts of Neil he assembled a complex string of falsities about a gargantuan Latin group project that all the Dead Poets needed to finish.

“Serious business, I care about my education father, why else would have you sent me here?” said Neil over the phone, holding his index finger to his mouth to silence Todd from his chuckling, although all Todd really saw was the wide grin that hid behind it, and the way Neil’s eyes crinkled up all the way, a complete oxymoronic action when Neil was usually on the phone to his father. Todd stifles back laughter and Neil smacks him lightly, only causing him to laugh more.

“Well, that was quicker AND easier than I expected...” Neil states after placing the phone back on it’s cradle and ending the call. “But hey!” Neil squeaks, “We’re all spending Christmas together! The biggest concern was just getting my father to agree, everyone else’s parents seemed fine with it.”

Todd and Neil start to walk, side by side, Neil bumps him playfully. “I’m so glad you told me, Todd.” Neil turns his head and looks towards the shorter boy. “My Christmases at home aren’t that great either, I’ve always wanted to spend them here, but I could never work up the courage to ask my father, ask Charlie, in our first year he almost called up my father himself. It was hilarious, he had to look up at the phone, he was so short.”

“You and Charlie have been friends for ages then?” Todd queries “Oh yeah, we met in our last year of preparatory school, he was a pretty mischievous kid, obviously not much has changed.” Neil laughs, “he was just always so confident and sure of himself… I always wanted to be like that, nothing ever got to him.”

“Has that changed?” Todd’s questions were always short and straight to the point. Startling upfrontness in the most unexpected of moments. It was something Todd was known for.

“Not really… I mean, I try to get him to open up… he just isn’t an emotions type of person, I think?” Neil scratches the back of his head. “During our 9th year he went through something really big and not great, but he didn’t tell me a single word about it. To this day I have no idea wahat happened. I tried asking but it didn’t lead anywhere… all I know is some kid had been expelled but it didn’t look like him and Charlie fought or anything because they spent so much time together ....” Neil trails off.

“You know people stare at us sometimes.” Todd blankly states, an unconscious switch being flicked immediately. “When we’re walking to classes, when we go into our dorm, when we exchange smiles in classes… They bump their friends with their shoulders and snicker under their breaths… Have you noticed that Neil?”

Neil’s walking pace slows slightly, “Uh… no, I-uh I didn’t… Do they think we’re-“ “-Maybe.” Todd interrupts before Neil can say The Word. “Bu-but we aren’t, I mean, you were talking about that girl from-“ “-Yeah! Ginny, from the play, wow, I mean, she’s just great.” “Yeah, I’m sure she is.”

God.

This got awkward.

Nice one Todd.

Did it again.

~~

Ink splatters dried on the paper he cradled so delicately, he stares at the contents once more.

“what wouldn't i give to love myself as feverishly as I love you? what is the opposite of amnesia? that is what you are. sometimes i cant find my way around my memories. i have to take detours… i think you were the best one.

little fragments of joy pepper my vacancy i didn't know that i should want to be hopeful or that being hopeful meant giving up some intrinsic part of me.

last night i had a dream that we were breathing underwater flying high in the sky, arms outstretched, laughing, smiling, hugging, bodies pressed onto one another. it didn’t last long. piece by wretched, fragile piece i throw out every hated qualm of thee your impenetrable stare fixed onto me

i have hoped for love that is beyond you being caught by me or me trying to slip through the cracks. they read me, you, us, with their glacial eyes and think they know but they don't

and it seems neither do we.”

“Wow, Todd. This is so… different. But good! It’s just, I’ve never seen anything like this in our English class, in the poems we’ve studied… I just… wow.” Neil looks up at Todd, eyes so soft, Neil knows how big of a deal this is to Todd. He doesn’t just share his work with anyone.

“I-I’m glad you liked it.” Todd smiles, it’s almost as if he’s had to completely remove himself from himself in order to let Neil observe and compliment this part of him, he takes the page out of Neil’s hands and places it in his book. “What-er, who was it about?” Neil gingerly queries. “I- uh, well.” Todd’s heating up now, he should’ve expected Neil to ask him this question. Dammit. Why was he so stupid for letting him read it. “Well, I-I don’t think you necessarily have to go through something to write a-about it, it-it’s fiction for a reason.”

Neil’s lips downturn slightly, “I guess, but everything that we produce in art- whether that be acting, or poetry writing, painting- whatever… it… subconsciously shows something that you might not necessarily want to show or see, right? Like how Keating got us the other day to choose a poem we liked and recite it… It tells you so much about a person. When Charlie was reading his poem… wasn't all you could think about was how bleak it was?” Neil continues, “The academically and poetically rigorous selection made by Cameron or Knox’s complete devotion and enamoration with the simplest emotion of the human being, love? We hide these parts of ourselves, maybe we view them as flaws and faults of our cognitive machine, but art reveals them all.” Neil delivered a love poem to the class himself. He takes a big breath and lets the words he just spoke sit in the air of their dorm for a while.

“Into the meadows dawn..” Todd clicks his fingers, a vague ritual to jog his memory. “flashes my faun.” Todd recites “O Hunter, snare me his shadow… O Nightingale catch me his strain. Else moonstruck with music and madness, I track him in vain” all they’re doing is staring at each other.

“You- you remembered my poem?” Neil questions. “Yeah- I went to the library after you said it- wanted to see if there was more… Oscar Wilde…” “Yeah.” “I notice them staring now that you mentioned it.” Neil breaks the trajectory of the conversation, “God, they’re all so stupid, it’s as if Judy Garland and President Eisenhower just strutted into the school, arms interlocked!” Todd chuckles. Then more silence.

“Has anything changed, Neil?” “What do you mean?” “Between us. What this is. Our comradely bond, as Keating puts it.” Todd chuckles, “ Our co-dependence, attachment at the hip.”

More silence…

“I-I think…” Neil finally states, “that it was never anything it wasn’t already… perhaps we ignored it, suppressed the feeling… but… it was always there.”

“For me, at least.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

~~~

The wind pierced Todd’s skin in tiny microscopic ways, embedding itself under the protection of his coat and completely evading the rest of his physical form, though perhaps the wind wasn’t the cause of the spine-curdling ache he felt, but simply an additional symptom.

Bells rang, green and red Christmas themed paraphernalia adorned the streets he’d previously been driving through, staring out the window at lights and snow that trickled onto an already naturally bleached layer of the ground. His footprints leave indents and obtain a slippery consistency to the outer sole and toe cap. He treads more carefully.

His hands clutch the leather cover of the journal he is hiding underneath his jacket, minimising any further damage that may soon come its way, finally, through minutes of soul-searching and carefully treading through stones and flowers, he makes his way to Neil.

He looks at him with a certain sense of fragility, his stone head protruding from the ground and covered in snow. Todd wipes some away to see the carvings made into him. His full name. Aged 17. Dutiful son of Tom and Susan Perry.

The newness of it all sends a pang to Todd’s stomach as he looks at the other stones weathered with age and the constant bombardment of the elements. That’ll be Neil one day. Flowers not fresh and carvings unreadable. Forgotten to the world and all its inhabitants, rotting in satin lining and cherry oak wood. Todd stifles back a sob and covers his mouth, forcing himself to get it together for just this moment.

“Merry Christmas Neil.” Todd whispers, the words can barely come out. “You-you’re not here physically but you’re here with me, and Charlie, and-and all the other Dead Poets.” he continues, “though- though Charlie isn’t here technically either. He left. Had to. He’s not graduating, at least he’s not at Welton” Todd looks down, brushes his emerging tears away with his shoulder

“I just wanted to come here and give you your gift, I’ve had it in the making for a while now, you’ve seen some of it already. I wish I could’ve given it to you earlier… if I had known this would happen.” he pulls out the journal, and opens it up.

“Here, I’ll read you some.” Todd, though already cold and miserable, situates himself next to Neil’s cold headstone and leans his head on it, opening the journal's contents to its first page.

“Dear Neil,” Todd’s starts, but adds an offside, “It’s dated on the 7th of a while back, my-my birthday.”

“I hope this book finds you well,” Todd’s breath hitches, “especially considering that I’m probably too anxious to deliver it to you. What you’ll see here is what we spoke about the night we first kissed. About freeing ourselves from any subconscious fear or dichotomous dread of both working with and against the grain or being liked or disliked. The people I look up to the most are inspirationally unpopular. So, here’s a suite of poems by yours truly. Hopefully you’ll find your own meaning and reverence in the words my brain has conjured up, words mostly pertaining to you. Every inch of your being alive has me transfixed and enamoured, and I’m truly gobsmacked on the good deed I must’ve committed to have deserved having you in my life.” Todd’s face is red and stuffy from the cold and his breathing is short and punctured.

“You’re sleeping right near me at this moment, and as a sweaty toothed madman once said. We were together. I forgot the rest. Consider this journal a detachable limb of my own self, something you can always carry around and know that I am with you, always. You can suck the life force, the bone marrow out of the words I have written in here and I would applaud and encourage you to do so. Without you, I have no idea where I’d be right now. I owe you so much Neil, you’ve taught me that sometimes the world can be good. That a person’s smile can brighten an entire room. A performance perfectly acted can be a person’s ultimate achievement and their triumph. You are the word phenomenal incarnate Neil, I hope my words do you some sort of justice.

You deserve the world, Neil. I’m brainstorming ways to give it to you.

With love, Todd.”

——————————————————————————

i hope you guys enjoyed!! its fucking brutal honestly but needed some angst and tragedy in my fictional life to reflect my own.

just a preface that some of the poem todd read's is borrowed from pete wentz old emo livejournal posts because i need to somehow tie my two big interests together and MAN does that man write some gay ass shit. hope your heart doesnt hurt too much <3

creds to @neilscrown on tiktok for posting the headcanon "Todd definitely bought Neil a Christmas present and he never got the chance to give it to him so he would sit in his once shared room and stare at it" it tore my HEART OUT and inspired this rambling

[aimlesswalker]

Being autistic and having adhd really fucks with my sense of attraction. I’ve realized I don’t/rarely experience sexual attraction for uhh a decade now? I’ve realized I don’t experience romantic attraction for three years now. And I’m starting to realize I don’t experience platonic attraction either. I just... I don’t feel ~drawn~ to people. People approach me and if the vibes are right then maybe we’ll spend more time together. I don’t care enough to pursue anyone, to be the active pursuer. Ever. I don’t think of people when they’re not around. I only seem to make friends when someone chases after me or if they’re people I spend time doing things with regularly (like a club).

Part of my experience of being autistic is feeling disconnected from the rest of the world. People connect in ways I can’t seem to understand, there’s so many social rules I can’t seem to understand. Even with the people I get along with, even with the friends I make, I feel like an outsider. I feel hollow compared to everyone smiling and getting along so easily. I feel alien, like a glitch, like something that isn’t supposed to exist. I don’t really know how to make friends. (And this isn’t just a lack of social skills or whatever, it’s about the lack of platonic attraction and about neurodivergent brains being different) I don’t know what brings two people together. I don’t know what to do with other people if it’s not some pre-agreed upon activity. I don’t know how to be the pursuer because I think about that person in particular and all I can conjure up is a “meh?” feeling. There’s no real motivation to get to know them further unless they’ve already pursued me and I’ve formed some sort of attachment and found out that I enjoy their company. And even then... I can never point to any specific thing about a person other than “they were there?” or I enjoy doing X with them. Even then, if the person is pursuing me too strongly, if they’re more attached than I am, I feel put-off, repulsed.

And I know a lot of that repulsion is rooted in relationship trauma, in this codependent relationship I had where I felt trapped and confined. I overcompensated by being as independent as possible. I don’t want anyone to rely on me, to need me. That feels bad. I don’t want to be the linchpin that someone else’s emotional health rests upon. I also feel uncomfortable in a relationship where our feelings are mismatched because the other person usually places all these expectations on me that I find suffocating. This is especially the case for romantic relationships. They always expect so much, they expect me to feel and act a certain way and make me feel guilty for not being romantically attracted to them. It’s repulsive.

I don’t even experience familial bonds. I don’t know what that’s supposed to feel like. My blood family are just people in my life. I know them, I know I’m supposed to feel something for them, but the spot where I’m supposed to find that is just… hollow? (Does that make me a monster) Like I don’t hate my parents, I appreciate all that they do for me, I respect that they care for me and I set aside time to have dinner with them, but? I don’t even have a real concept of “found family”. They’re familial bonds to people who aren’t your blood relatives, but what does that feel like? It’s not platonic, it’s not romantic, it’s not alterous, it’s something else completely. But I struggle to word exactly how it’s different. I’m just… not sure I feel familial attachment in the way most other people seem to.

And yet? I still experience “love”. It’s not what people usually think of when they hear the word, but I bond deeply to a few rare people and I enjoy expressing my affection towards them via physical touch and/or sex. I don’t care if I’m “not allowed” to call it love bc it’s so different, bc it’s not based on attraction. I’m lovequeer so fuck you. 

So if it’s not based on attraction, then why do I form bonds with people? I still want friends. I want people to talk about things with! Whether that’s my day, something that’s bothering me, a morality/ethical question, current events, fandom, etc. I want interesting conversations with interesting people. I want people to do the activities I like with- like going to museums or playing board games or swing dancing. I want people to cuddle with and have sex with. Because all of those things are fun! Those things bring enjoyment to life. I also want people I can ask for help or advice from because I can’t do everything on my own. I like seeking outside perspectives to grow as a person. I like people who can challenge me and help me be better, who I can grow alongside of.

Which is a lot of why I don’t generally enjoy surface level relationships- because I don’t know how to act in them. I like a lot of emotional intimacy in my relationships! That’s the lifeblood of any connection I form. What’s the point if it’s not there? What’s driving me to seek out this person without it? I usually call the desire for emotional intimacy “alterous attraction”, but I don’t experience this often. While I like emotional intimacy with people as a general thing, I rarely experience the desire for it from a specific person.

Which often throws me to the outskirts of society, not being able to form those sorts of bonds with other people, like coworkers or peers or mentors or anything. I end up not having people to rely upon, which is a key part of humanity (being able to depend on others, we’re typically a social species) but also the way society is set up. Due to amatonormativity, society is not set up for someone to be alone; everything is set up for a set of partners or a nuclear family. There’s also no support systems for those who need it, like financial aid or disability aid or food stamps. They’re set up to be as difficult as possible to obtain. You’re expected to have other people in your life you can rely on. But I don’t.

It’s part that I struggle to bond with people, part not feeling platonic attraction, but also part I don’t mind being alone. I’ve always been alone. I have plenty of things to enrich my life. I don’t see the point in talking to people, in making friends if they’re not going to be people I can get close to. I’m struggling to put that into words. But I was always the quiet kid. And I used to be ashamed of that, because society shames people for being “weird” or being “outcasts” for not having friends. But that’s just part of who I am. I prefer listening to what’s going on around me, I don’t care to join in other than for the shame of being excluded. Or is that what I tell myself to make being alone and disconnected from the entire world feel more palatable?

Because, while I struggle to form bonds and am generally ok alone, I crave community, I crave emotionally intimate relationships. I don’t want romance because of the repulsion, so that ends up being a craving for friends (because society has a fucked up binary of friends or romantic partner). And I vibe with all those posts by aros talking about how deep and important friendship can be. I vibe with those posts talking about a (queer)platonic polycule. I like the sound of those things. In theory. But the only close bonds I seem to be able to form are alterous ones. Not queerplatonic, not deeper than is considered socially acceptable for platonic relationships, but alterous ones! Not platonic, alterous. But where else am I going to find aromantic and aplatonic people that aren’t nonamorous or non-partnering? Will I always have to sacrifice and subdue the parts of me that are repulsed by getting close to people?

[mira--mira]

Hi! I was wondering

How do you think Hashirama and Madara would be in a Road to Ninja version?

I remember once reading a Hashimada fic (which I never finished RIP) that was about Madara appearing in the RTN universe and the 3 things that stucked with me were:

1.- Madara was the first Hokage (something that Madara thought was horrible when he saw his sculpted face on the Hokage mountain 🤣)

And personally I think that it would not have been like that even in the RTN universe because we didn't see his face along with the other faces of Hokages in the movie (Yeah, apparently I'm basing myself on a movie which I'm not even sure if it's canon or not, even though Kishimoto wrote it) and the RTN characters didn't seem to even know who Madara is.

2.- Hashirama having his bowlcut as an adult

And I agree with the Madara from that fanfic, it looks awful on him. Hashirama, babe, I'm sorry but the only ones who can rock that style are Guy Sensei and Rock Lee, I know you just were trying to be cool but it doesn't suite you.

3.- Tobirama was a porn writer

Instead of being a fan of forbidden jutsu and creating justus, he wrote porn novels a la Jiraiya. And I'll hold that headcanon with my dead hands.

The only other fanfic that places the founders in the RTN universe is one where the protagonist is Mito (it's an interesting one-shot that pairs her with Itama 🤔)

She was kind of a shy person 🤔? And so it was Tobirama 🤣 which I found fun.

Hashirama, as the first fanfic I mentioned, was the Tobirama of the place (saddenly Madara wasn't in this fic).

So I would like to know what are your versions of the founders (or only Hashirama and Madara if it is too much) in the RTN universe! And how do you think things would be

Hmm, RTN is an interesting concept to me but, to be honest, I don't think Konoha would exist if a lot of personalities got flipped 😂 I haven't read any RTN fics with the founders, but if you, or anyone else, have links at hand I'd love to check them out 👀

1. Madara

Here's the big one and the crux of why I don't think the village would exist. Typically I characterize Madara as an extremely responsible man who internalizes things when he shouldn't, takes himself way too seriously, is aggressive and abrasive even to people he loves sometimes, but genuinely loves the people closest too him. Reversing this would make a character that slacks off, takes no responsibility, and is completely passive in life and has fleeting attachments to others around him. Assuming he wouldn't die on the battlefield, I could see the RTN "alternate" personality coming about of Madara's being so overpowered and competent that he loses interest and distances himself from things before he can get attached and lose them.

It makes building a village very hard though. (At first I was tempted to go RTN Sasuke route and maybe RTN!Madara is a little more openly flirty than canon!Madara, but the passivity and refusal to take responsibility would be the "core" qualities for me.)

2. Hashirama

Hashirama is a bit weird because he has a lot of surface-level "conflicting" traits in canon. He is optimistic but he pushes beyond his natural attitude and uses it as a mask to hide instead of addressing his feelings. He's mischievous, likes jokes and games, and can be a bit hedonistic with his pleasure but can equally be serious when necessary and will willingly sacrifice for others around him. And simultaneously, Hashirama and Madara are connected by a shared sense of idealism but also anger. Hashirama is a very kind, but extremely angry, man. I think a RTN!Hashirama would share a kind of apathy of RTN!Madara but instead of passivity his lack of anger would manifest as cruelty. Because canon!Hashirama is angry but his anger is usually a righteous kind. I don't think RTN!Hashirama would go out of his way to be cruel, but he doesn't have the empathy of canon!Hashirama, especially to others' suffering. He enjoys fighting just a bit too much and has no qualms about killing. In his mind, he should always come first in any situation and prioritizing (or even considering) others' is effort and him going out of his way to be "nice" and the other should be thankful. Similarly if he feels any negative emotion, he won't bottle it up and swallow it down, he'll immediately address it, usually confrontationally. RTN!Hashirama is as intelligent as his canon counterpart but he doesn't suffer fools and he hates it when people underestimate him. He's pretty proud and vain, tbh.

I really don't think the above would make him the "Tobirama" of RTN verse. To me Hashirama and Tobirama have different core values and perspectives and inverting Hashirama's doesn't make it become Tobirama's, if that makes sense. This one is also wordy bc I immediately knew how RTN!Madara would be RTN!Hashirama is a bit harder to pin down. But I hope it's clear why I have doubts about the village existing...maybe if RTN!Hashirama got it in his mind as a pet project for the hell of it, that he'd be a better leader for the country and not just the Senju alone, and RTN!Madara liked the idea of no responsibility and being able to detach even further than he already was? But that's still kind of grasping for a reason.

3. Hashimada

Equally I think any Hashirama/Madara relationship would be ehhh. They definitely wouldn't have the overwhelming bond of their canon counterparts, and it could be a relationship ripe for unhappiness. The closest I can think of to making the ship work is RTN!Madara would be drawn to Hashirama's absurd level of self-confidence and able to let the casual cruelty slide off instead of getting worked up about it. In a way RTN!Hashirama is stable and predictable. If he's pretty overpowered, there's less of a chance RTN!Madara would lose him, so their relationship isn't deep but it's more or less dependable and Madara knows exactly what he's going to get. In contrast RTN!Hashirama has an audience in the form of RTN!Madara and a partner that's not going to push back against his ideas. RTN!Madara doesn't ask for much and he doesn't complain when RTN!Hashirama puts himself first. He doesn't want, or might not be capable of, the deep emotional bond their canon counterparts have. RTN!Madara wouldn't leave Konoha (if it existed) in the AU, because he doesn't really care. If someone upset RTN!Hashirama and he decided to leave to 'do it right' RTN!Madara would probably follow, maybe out of some loyalty for RTN!Hashirama but mostly because it's what's easiest.

4. Tobirama

The core of Tobirama's character to me is prioritizing logic over emotion and both a conscious and unconscious failure to realize he can't completely eliminate emotion. Tobirama loves his brother, he's curious and has a desire to find out what makes things work and is willing to bend morality to get results if it'll serve a greater good. He's very aware of the unfairness of the world but believes it's an unspoken truth of humanity and can only be mitigated through logical means, but never completely erased. He'll be the sacrificial lamb, the one that works in shadows so his brother can have his utopian dream. Despite everything, he loves his genin, the strongest bonds he has aside from Hashirama, and does try to instill in them lessons he think will help them and lead to peace and stability in the village. He's still influenced by the prejudices of his time and can never find it in him to truly forgive the Uchiha.

A RTN!Tobirama would be a man ruled by emotion. Him writing erotica all day definitely could be one way this manifests lol. But overall he's sensitive and spiritual and can't stand the idea of killing. He and RTN!Hashirama don't get along and he actively tries to avoid his brother. RTN!Tobirama has equally strong principles as canon!Tobirama, but they're pacifist in nature and while he likes his studies, he prefers to be out talking to people and learning from them first hand. He's very naive and can be easily taken advantage of and he has trouble focusing on any one thing for too long. No matter how many times this happens, he never can harden his heart or be overly suspicious of others. RTN!Tobirama would most likely be the one support peace in this AU. He embraces the Uchiha and all the Senjus past enemies with open arms, almost to a foolish degree. It'd be a bad idea if he became hokage in this AU because he's a terrible negotiator and has a bad people-pleasing streak and struggles with long-term tactics. With the exception of RTN!Hashirama, who he considers an aberration who doesn't have a soul, humans at their core all have good intentions at heart.

5. Mito

I characterize Mito as a very level-headed woman. Her marriage to Hashirama is political in nature but they grow to be good friends and she never expected to fall in love and she's glad Hashirama didn't want a traditional wife. Mito is devoted to her community work (she works hands-on with people in the village), she seeks out connections with others and, despite the distance, remains close with her family in Uzushio, constantly writing them letters. She's spiritual and follows the Uzumakis' beliefs (not gonna list this OoT spoiler lol) and studies fuinjutsu in her spare time, something she's done since she was a child. She is willing to sacrifice if it meant protecting something she considered greater than herself, much to her own personal detriment. She loves and is proud of her children and grandchildren, but if she had a choice, she would have chosen to remain childless, she finds her true calling elsewhere.

RTN!Mito, similarly to RTN!Tobirama, is ruled by emotions. She dreams of one day making a good marriage for herself and centers romance and being a mother as her ideal life, but she's extremely picky when it comes picking the perfect husband. RTN!Mito knows how much she's worth and she refuses to settle and will not even entertain the idea of an arranged marriage. She has a hard time forming long-lasting, deep bonds with other people and views starting her own family as the solution to this problem. At times she can be a bit absent-minded and unintentionally selfish, but she's not actively malicious. She blusters a lot and depending on the situation can come off as cold and uncaring, but it's only to hide the depth of her true feelings and loneliness. In this AU she would absolutely refuse to marriage RTN!Hashirama. Nothing on hell or earth, could make her change her mind.

Mito is such a blank-slate character it feels like writing an oc more than a canon character, tbh. And this is something I don't see brought up a lot but a "heart full of love" to combat the kyuubi's hatred to me has never been exclusive to romantic or familial (to children) love. *cough* I want a complex female character who's not vilified for not wanting to have children and/or regretting having them *cough* Mito's "love" was for the people of Konoha and Uzushio. My personal headcanon regarding her and Hashirama's child (I don't think she had more than one) was that she was dedicated to her son, but quickly realized being a mother wasn't her dream or something she even actively liked. The kid was well-cared for and she was dutiful towards him, but Hashirama was the parent that loved and embraced him with his whole heart and it led to some tension between Mito and her son as the kid could tell the difference and neither of them were "wrong" to feel the way they did. This is why Tsunade was shown with Hashirama instead of Mito, he was a lot more present in her life when she was young (instead of Kishi just not having made Mito as a character yet). But after Hashirama and Tsunade's dad died (and then Nawaki), she and Mito grew close but it was definitely more of a friendship or student/mentor relationship rather than a traditional grandmother/granddaughter relationship but both were satisfied with it and loved eachother. Likewise I didn't want RTN!Mito's characterization to be shallow and hit misogynistic undertones with her being an "opposite" to Mito's calm, level-headed, focused on her work/passions characterization.

6. Closing thoughts

#1: Wow this got long #2: I feel conflicted about RTN because it seemed to flip surface-level characteristics instead of deep characterizations, and ignored flaws altogether. The ones above, esp. Hashirama and Madara's, are kind of dark in a way? But that's the only way it makes sense to me...Gai and Lee caring about style and being stylish is a funny joke but if you were to actually poke and prod and say their personalities were inverted, neither of them would be top-notch ninja as we know...unless I'm just completely misremembering RTN because I realize it's been years since I saw it lol. Anyway, hope this was entertaining!

[allthatyoulove]

12:51

Modern/Highschool AU James “Bucky” Barnes / Reader

Summary: Your ex best friend and his new band are performing for the first time and you decide to go watch them perform. You didn’t expect the song to be about you.

Warnings: angst, cussing, fluff

Words: 2.5k

A/N: My first one-shot!!! This was inspired by the song 12:51 by The Strokes! Let me know what you think, and give me any suggestions for future one-shots! (Also let me know if I missed any warnings) Thanks for stopping by :)

You know when you can feel, deep down somewhere, that whatever you’re about to do is a dumb fucking idea? I don’t know why I was ignoring that feeling, but there was nothing that could stop me now.

I shivered, wrapping my arms tighter around myself as I walked down the dimly lit street. As I got closer to my destination, the music coming from inside the house started to become louder. I pulled my hand from the inside of my jacket where I attempted to keep it warm to check the time.

12:45.

I had snuck out of my house to go to this party everyone was going to. It was a Friday night, and I was originally thinking of skipping this week’s party, until I found out who was playing.

Bucky Barnes.

Or, I guess, James Barnes.

James and I had been best friends since we were kids. I can’t even remember how we met, I just remember us being attached at the hip since kindergarten. We lived in the same houses, right next to each other, through our entire lives. We went through all of our worst phases together.

I started to get feelings for him in middle school, when I realized that was a thing that happened when you started to grow up. I never told him, scared I would ruin our friendship, and our lives continued as they always have.

Then, highschool started.

Bucky and I began our rebellious phase together, starting to sneak out every Friday night to the party that was happening that week. We would get forties and lay on the roof of our houses afterwards around 1 am, looking at the stars and talking or doing karaoke to our favorite songs. I fell more and more in love with him every day.

Towards the end of freshman year, the upperclassmen at the parties we went to started to take notice of him. They would dare him to jump off the roof into the pool, or to drink as much as he could through a beer funnel. And he would do it, always the people pleaser. They liked how he listened to them, and took him under their wing.

He stopped hanging out with me after that.

I would go up to him, and he would say he had to go to his next class or that his friends were waiting up for him so he couldn’t talk. He wouldn’t let me call him Bucky anymore, because everyone knew him as James and he didn’t want to explain our relationship, or lack-thereof, to them.

Eventually we stopped hanging out altogether, avoiding each other in school and day-to-day, and pretended we never knew each other.

It’s not like I didn’t have or make new friends, because I did, but it was never the same. Bucky- or, James- and I’s bond was something special. Something I couldn’t find with anyone else. I tried to adapt to the friends around me, tried to like the things they liked, but I always felt like James was the only person I could open up to.

Now we’re seniors, and James had started a band with a couple of his friends earlier that year. This party was the first time they were performing in front of people, and I wanted to go watch. I was curious.

A couple minutes later I finally walked into the party, looking around through the crowd of people. I said hi to a group of people I knew, when I heard him.

“Hey everyone, how are you guys feeling tonight?”

The crowd gave a response of shouts and cheers. While everyone looked towards the direction of the stage, I took the distraction as a chance to make my way towards them.

I found my way towards the front, standing behind a couple of people that were a couple of feet from the stage.

And there he was.

He was in a black shirt and black biker jacket with black jeans. His hair was tucked behind his ears, with a few strands in front of his face from slightly leaning down to the mic.

He looked good.

It wasn’t a very big or high stage, being that it’s in someone's house, but it made the view of them much easier to see.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” he laughed, “Well, my friends and I here got a song we’d like to perform for you. This one is called 12:51.”

More cheers erupted from the crowd.

I stood there, putting my hands in my jacket pockets, looking up at him. The people in front of me moved slightly to group with their friends, moving me more towards the front.

We made eye contact as I got shoved slightly towards the front. His eyes blinked a couple times, mouth slightly falling open upon seeing me for the first time. He blushed a little before the sound of the bass and drums started to play, snapping him back into reality. He looked down for a second before grabbing the mic and looking back up at me. I kept my gaze neutral, waiting for him to sing.

“Talk to me now, I’m older

Your friend told you ‘cause I told her

Friday nights have been lonely

Change your plans and then phone me”

He pulled away from the mic, clapping to the beat as he kept his gaze on me. He looked sad, not moving from my eyes as he began to sing again.

“We could go and get forties

Fuck going to that party

Oh really, your folks are away now?

Alright, let’s go, you convinced me”

My mouth slightly fell open at the first line, my eyes tearing up as he seemingly sang that line to me. My brows furrowed as I listened to the lyrics.

“12:51 is the time

My voice found the words I sought

Is it this stage I want?

The world is shutting out for us

Oh, we were tense for sure

But we was confident”

He grabbed the mic with both hands, making it obvious he was looking at me as he sang the rest of the song.

“Kiss me, now that I’m older

I won’t try to control you

Friday nights have been lonely

Take it slow but don’t warn me

We’d go out and get forties

Then we’d go to some party

Oh really, your folks are away now?

Alright I’m coming, I’ll be right there”

He stepped back from the mic, panting as the song finished. Everyone began to cheer and clap, as I stood there stunned. A tear had rolled down my cheek sometime before the song finished and I wiped it away as I stood there looking at him.

He looked around at the rest of the crowd briefly, smiling and saying thank you as he blew kisses towards the crowd.

I turned to leave as I pushed my way through the cheering group of people. A few tears begrudgingly fell as I tried to find my way out.

I didn’t know what to think.

The things he mentioned in the song were too specific to be about anyone else. What hurt the most was finding out how he felt about me like this. We hadn’t spoken in over 2 years. Now he’s in a band, writing songs about how he misses me and wants me to kiss him?

Fuck, I need a drink.

I made a detour to the kitchen before leaving to look for some alcohol. The kitchen island had many choices to choose from, all of the bottles sprawled across the table. I grabbed the first one I saw and drank from the bottle.

The burn of the drink going down my throat was exactly what I needed.

I wiped at my mouth with my sleeve as I put the bottle down and took a second to let the liquor go down.

I went back to my original route to the front door, when the group of friends I talked to earlier stopped me.

“Hey where ya going? We’re all thinking of doing s'more shots, wanna join?”

“I think I’m gonna head home, not really in the party mood anymore.”

“D’ya need someone to bring you home?”

I looked around the group, all of them struggling to stand up straight or laughing at nothing.

“No I’ll be fine. Thanks though, have a nice night.”

“Okay byeeeeeeee!!!”

I laughed and shook my head, turning to finish my walk out the door when someone called my name. I knew that voice. It was a voice I could recognize anywhere, no matter the amount of alcohol in my body or the blaring music that resumed over the speakers. I rushed out the door, turning left and speed-walking the way I came.

“Hey! Wait!” I heard the sound of someone running behind me.

Well, shit, I’m not gonna break into a sprint to get away from him.

I stopped walking on the sidewalk, turning around to face him.

He finished jogging up to me, out of breath. He stood there for a second staring at me and panting.

"Did you run over to me just to stare or do you have something you'd like to talk about?"

He laughed faintly, shaking his head at the ground and using his hand to push the side of his hair back.

"Sorry, I- uh, yeah I wanted to talk to you. It's been a while."

"Yup" I said, popping the "p". I lightly rocked back and forth on the heels of my feet as we looked at each other. I was getting impatient with standing here trying to decipher whatever code he was speaking in. Whatever he was trying to say needed to find its way out.

"So, what'd you think of the song?"

"Bucky" I sighed, "I think I should-"

"Y'know you're the only one who ever calls me Bucky"

I stopped mid-sentence, taking a second to process what he said.

"Until you told me to stop. Guess it's a still a habit"

He sighed and looked down, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.

"Listen. Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for treating you so badly, and I'm sorry for ditching you like that, and I'm sorry for- well just being an asshole in general, and I-"

"Bucky."

"-know you probably don't want to hear this, because I'm about 3 years late, but I want you to know that I-"

"Bucky."

"miss you. So much. I have ever since I did that to you, and I don't know why I did it, but it took me this long to figure out that-"

"Bucky!"

"I'm in love with you."

He finally looked up at me, finishing his rant and even more out of breath than he was before. I froze, looking at him shocked.

"What?"

"I've loved you since elementary."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My lifelong best friend, who I've been in love with since middle school, who abandoned me freshman year, has been in love with me too. For even longer. My mind was racing with questions.

"Wait- since elementary?"

"Yes."

"And you still are?"

"Yes."

"Even after not talking to me for over 2 years?"

He winced before answering. "Yes."

"Why did you end our friendship like that? How could you do that to me?"

He shook his head, averting his eyes back to the ground as he winced again.

"I'm so sorry, I- I just couldn't- I-I thought that coming into high school you would start making all these friends, and I guess freshman me thought it would be best if I just found some friends first. You know, to soften the blow I guess."

I furrowed my brows, looking at him incredulously.

"So you ended our lifelong friendship because you were scared I'd make friends?"

"Well fuck, when you put it like that-"

"How the fuck am I supposed to put it, Bucky? That's what happened, right?

"Yeah. That's what happened."

We met each other's eyes again. He looked defeated as he put his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

"Can you please tell me what you thought of the song" he whispered, blinking slowly at me.

I sighed sharply as my tongue pressed against the side of my mouth.

"Did you mean it? What you said?"

"Every word."

I shivered and shrugged, shaking my head.

"What do you want me to say, James?"

He winced for the third time at the sound of me using his name.

"I want you to say you'll think about forgiving me, I want you to say you feel the same, I want you to be in my life again. I want you."

I shut my eyes for a second and sighed. He's in love with me, and he wants me. He's in love with me. He has been since elementary. He wants me in his life. He loves me. A couple seconds passed before I responded.

"Of course I feel the same way, I have for, like, 5 years. And I'll think about forgiving you. Only because the song was sorta good-"

"Can I kiss you?"

The rest of my sentence died as I looked up at him confused. Did I hear him right?

"What did you say?"

"Can I kiss you?" he repeated, licking his lips as his gaze darted from my eyes to my lips.

"Yes."

He was closing the space between us as soon as the word left my lips. He pulled his hands from his jacket, using them to hold my face as he kissed me.

I leaned into the kiss, trying to ignore the fireworks going off in my stomach.

He moved his hands to go around my waist, wrapping his arms around me to hold me against him. I brought my arms up to wrap around the back of his head as the kiss deepened.

I pulled away and looked at him, running my fingers through his hair as his arms stayed locked around my waist. We smiled at each other as he darted between looking at my eyes and lips. I brushed his hair behind his ears before he spoke.

"What d'ya say we go to your house and sit on the roof, like we used to?"

"What about the drinks?"

"I think the amount of alcohol you chugged in the kitchen should be enough for tonight"

I laughed and kissed him again. With or without the alcohol, I was drunk on Bucky and the happiness in this moment we shared. It felt as if the years without him had turned me into a zombie, and this kiss brought me back to life. An antidote that I didn't know I needed.He eventually put me down as we began to walk back to our street, hand in hand.

I had gotten my best friend back.

[mikaze-discord]

Quartet Night: Love letters

Annnnnd these are the love letters written for Quartet Night!!!

Please enjoy under the cut~

REIJI KOTOBUKI

From Anon:

I've always been drawn to characters with complex (and fairly dark) personalities, so liking Rei-chan was honestly inevitable for me.

He looks like a very bright and cheerful character at first, which he is, but sometimes that part of him is a little misleading because, in actuality, he's a character that holds a lot of negative feelings about himself due to a past that he can't seem to move on from. He holds a lot of those feelings to himself because he doesn't want to burden anyone else with them. He's a reliable, cunning, and ultimately selfless character that chooses to shoulder a lot on his own out of his infinite care for others, and perhaps a secret sense of atonement, all hidden behind his bright demeanor and goofy smile, and it's endlessly interesting to me.

Besides the duality of his personality, he has a lot of other endearing quirks to love about him. He loves his mom a lot and is a mama's boy. His old-man jargon and catchphrases never fail to amuse (I still can't get over the way he says "my girl"). His obsession with anything even remotely British is something my APH England phase can relate to. His style of music brings a lot of pleasant feelings of nostalgia for me, and his pretty voice suits them a lot. And most of all he's just a very good boy overall. I rate 99999 out of 10 would love and support him and also maybe pay for his therapy because god knows he needs it. Happy anniversary!!

From another anon: 

Would you like to hear a story? You do? Very well then, may this story be one you enjoy.

What do I like about Reiji kotobuki? A Lot of things actually!

Well, I've always really liked Reiji as a character as he seemed to be one of the more interesting characters to me, due to how complex he is with his backstory and general just personality.

I have always really enjoyed how Reiji just solves problems too? Like he is just such an outgoing person who deserves all the support!!!

Like the best word I can use for Reiji is just, unique. Everything about him is just so Reiji. From the way he talks, to his nicknames or even his texting style. Like have you seen how many people use emoticons when texting as Reiji? It's just so him.

I like his way of thinking too! I feel like some of the interactions in the games are just so interesting, just seeing Reiji’s point of view. How he deals with a sort of survivor’s guilt and all of that.

Personally, some of my most memorable roleplaying moments were watching a Reiji rper in action, like just seeing them interact and flow so seamlessly with the other characters was just so fascinating to wee baby rper me. Such a large part of playing Reiji is just how you flow with the people around you and comedic timing. I have so many funny moments where Reiji was just interacting with people and it was just so inspirational (?) like I couldn't stop the smile on my face. I had learnt alot from them. I still consider them my roleplaying senpai almost! I don't talk to them anymore but I really had an amazing time just seeing their spin on the character.

I don't find him to be a romantic partner towards me nor do I see any of the characters in that light, but I've always found Reiji as such a personal character. Not even just towards me, like even with other utapri stans. The most relatable character always seems to be Reiji.

I've always been pretty similar in many aspects to him and I often find myself relating to him in numerous ways like his vibe is just relatable! I have often found myself trying to make other people laugh and have fun that many times I'm spreading myself thin and feel unappreciated...Reiji really helped with that.

This is where i start getting into the really personal stuff LOL feel free to skip if you dont wanna hear the angsty backstory.

I had really come to love Reiji when I had just...hit a low. I had a group of friends who I enjoyed hanging out with and just talking to, but they weren't very good friends per say. I often had to schedule every activity we did and I spent days and nights trying to think of concepts that might be fun. They took it for granted.. I had spent 4 months trying to make a game for them, and they had constantly pushed back times that we would play it. Using excuses to not play it, without telling me out right what they did not like or even why. The site I used was later taken down without notice and thus I had lost all my progress. Later, they had mentioned how they would like to play it except that later ended up being two years later. I really wish I could've solved things with that friend group like Quartet Night did but that didn't happen. That is when I started seeing things Reiji’s way? Not to say that it was the same or similar scenario to Reiji but I had just associated it with him.

RANMARU KUROSAKI

From Anon:

Ran is such a fun character! He sounds like a "rough outside, soft inside" kind of character, but his roughness is more like an integral part of him and it's through it that he shows he cares rather than setting it aside. That's what made me want to rp him. I also like how he is such a strong guy who's always determined to do his best in everything he does despite so much having gone wrong in his past. And it's very satisfying to see him form bonds and start to trust people.

From @mikaze-san:

Originally, my favourite Utapri boy was Ai, and it had been the robot boy for several years upon entering the fandom. In fact, it only switched to Ranmaru sometime late last year but regardless, I would still die for this man. Part of the reason why I switched is because I’ve always been a fan of Suzuki Tatsuhisa and I have a huge bias towards any man who wears nail polish without fearing being “feminine” because fuck gender roles.

As someone who studies fashion, I think Ranmaru is very coordinated and confident when it comes to portraying himself that way. He knows he’s not very good at expressing his emotions and utilises his passion for rock and playing the bass to portray those feelings through his songs. It’s also incredibly inspiring to know that he bounces back from pretty much anything considering his backstory and the stuff he deals with in the game/anime.

But my main reason for loving Ranmaru so much stems from the fact that I admire him a lot and want to be more like him. For a long time last year, I got to roleplay as Ranmaru in a few Utapri groups and through those experiences, I gained a better understanding and appreciation of the characters that I wrote for. In some weird way, by highlighting his flaws, character progression and how he dealt with different emotions, I ended up providing insight into how I dealt with similar issues by looking at them from a 3rd person perspective.

I used to be very shy and was very shut off from friends and family, and due to this I’ve always admired people in my life or fictional characters that are so confident in being who they are. Ranmaru particularly struck that chord in me because his bluntness knows no end. He’s very opinionated and doesn’t fear confrontation, in most cases being the one to provoke it. He speaks his mind openly without being overly anxious of the consequences. This is something that I feel is especially relevant today with being your authentic/unapologetic self is such a trend.

It’s something I’ve also noticed with having met people in or outside of this fandom, the notion of idolising a fictional character containing traits that we want to see in ourselves. Which made me think about a lot of my favourite kinds of characters which at the end of the day all boil down to sharing one similar trait: Being a bitch.

And in Utapri, Ranmaru embodies that. So naturally it’s very easy for me to idolise him.

(Tldr: I like his bitchy attitude.)

AI MIKAZE 

From Arashi:

It's hard to put into words why I love Ai Mikaze, perhaps it's because I'm subconsciously drawn to him, maybe it's because his hair and eyes are my favorite color, maybe it's because his voice is that of an angels, there are many reasons why I love him. I couldn't tell you a definite, "These one or two reasons are the entire reason I love him", but I'll try to sum it up.

I grew to love him by admiring his personality, his smile, his determination to reach his goals, everything about him made me happy. He's strict and a little scary at times, but when he sees people caring for him, he becomes happy and in a way, sentimental. He's not sure how to explain the way he feels, but he tries. I think I admire how he holds all the little things precious to his heart as he learns about them, and he wants to understand how to care for others and how they care for them in return. Even after six years, he still remains the most dear to me. I think that he now has a sentimental value to me, because even if I 'loved' another character more for a while, I will always come back to Ai. Ai deserves the world, and I'd give it to him if I could. He'll always be special to me, and I think that he very much deserves that.

From Maronda: 

My love for Ai started after I found Shining Live by chance and started to play. At first I wasn't particularly attached to any of the characters and decided to go back and watch the anime to maybe remember some context other than who Starish was. When I got to the episode focused on Ai and his "secret" I was absolutely thrown off by it all. I ended up feeling like I had so many questions and I knew that the anime would give me little to no answers, so I frequently turned to rambling on the internet about it. Eventually, this fixation on weird things about him seemed to turn into a clear fondness for him, and friends made me realize just how much I liked him. Knowing the cold and often strange aspects of his personality was due to something out of his control was something I resonated with as someone on the autism spectrum. He reminded me of some of the ways I used to think and behave.

I also began to notice other things I loved about him. Things like how soothing I found his voice, the pleasant shade of light blue in his hair and eyes, how ridiculously pretty he is... but the best things are the endearing parts of his personality. Though he's somewhat harsh, he's still entirely genuine. His curiosity is absolutely precious and his occasional awkwardness in expressing emotion or understanding the emotions of others made me empathize with him. And if you look at the Ai in Shining Live and compare it to the Ai in the anime and games... he really has changed a lot and grown as a person. He now seems so much gentler and understanding, and he clearly values the friendships he has now too! I think he's a wonderful character and ever since friends of mine encouraged me to selfship I've essentially been in love with him, but it also makes me happy to see other people appreciate him for other reasons as well. He's just so lovable!

CAMUS

From @uta-no-fakku-sama:

At the very beginning of my UtaPri interest, Camus never really caught my attention. That is until he became my first My Only Prince UR. I’ve come to appreciate him a lot more ever since, and now he’s become my favorite QUARTET NIGHT member! Along the way, I learned more about him and realized he’s one of the more complicated characters to understand. Nonetheless, I absolutely adore him. I tend to tease and make fun of him a lot, but deep down I truly do like him a whole bunch!

From @/waddamaloooon on twt: 

A little Camus appreciation post

(alternatively known as; how this guy managed to harshly take my heart and step on it like the gumin I am.)

Hello, this is Suikamaru, here to share a tiny story of why I, and eventually you, love Camus Rondo Cryzard.

At first glance, his looks appealed to me, but not his behavior (and ironically enough, his voice) so I didn't bat an eye on him. I've always been on a neutral leaning to dislike opinion on Camus, which is quite understandable because have you SEEN the way he acts. Unfathomable.

…..To a Young Suikamaru, that is.

I've grown, so naturally I've changed preferences regarding characters, ikemen, and who to stan and who to avoid like the plague. I will lie if I said that I expected to like that blonde confectionery devouring machine at any point of my life.

But it did happen so who are we fooling here.

It dawned on me that Camus is the type of character that you cannot appreciate unless you go in depth into his lore, backstory, and see him for who he really is. Because then everything else will make sense. And that never happened in my case until I started roleplaying as him.

I realized that he's not just a two faced, sweet toothed mean man. He's a perfectionist, someone who's always been raised since his childhood days to be nothing less than complete, who has locked on his heart and emotions to devote himself completely to the purpose given to him. He has the looks and brains for what though? He should be a little stupid honestly.

But his intelligence gave him the complexity that he just needed for his characteristics. Because as aforementioned, he's not someone to easily like or fall in love with. And I think that's quite rare in characters, and very much appreciated due to the fact it gives the fans a chance to not actually stay on a flat level of knowledge regarding their favorite characters.

I've slowly started to see myself in some aspects of him, which was the number one factor of liking him. Then came the Maeno magic when I realized Camus shares the same VA as another character that I love as well. (Hamelin, from SinoAlice.) From then, everything went downhill.

In a good way. I think..

Well, that is all from me, please read about this handsome man and appreciate his hard work both as an individual and as an idol. There is SO much to him that's p much overlooked and I'm getting broke from spending my money on his living expenses rent free in my head. Take him off my head.

[miss-choco-chips]

Umm... I was wondering if you could Maybe do a follow up on your mini fic Last Line from dicks pov? It gave me alot of feelings and i would love to see the fallout?

Your work is really good! Its so cool how your brave enough to put pieces of yourself out there for other people!

Hey babe! Thank you for your kind words! It made me smile getting this, you are very sweet <3

I totally forgot about Last Line lol, but when I saw it reminded me that I actually wrote a bit more of it, both before and after the scene I posted. So, this isn’t exactly what you asked, but here’s some backstory and then the fallout!

---.---

Four years old, and he watches the red string on his finger pulled taunt towards the crying boy, the color of the thread well disguised among the red blood of the murdered acrobats.

Nine, and he watches from the shadows as it swings right and left, following Robin’s pirouettes from building to building. The thread, that usually goes a few feet before ‘vanishing’ from sight, was almost completely visible now, at such a short distance from the person holding onto its other end.

He’s on his twelve when he tries to explain to Dick the importance of him going back home. He wasn’t sure of his success, even though the older hero took him to the manor, because during his whole speech, Nightwing hadn’t looked up from the red joining them together. It wasn’t exactly how Tim wanted him to find out, but… Batman needed a Robin, and he was out of options.

At fourteen, he feels Kon’s hand clenching on his shoulder, as they both watch from the side how Nightwing swept Barbara off her feet and twisted her around, laughter falling from both their lips even as Dick thread’s end was pointing towards Tim. The third Robin didn’t turn to look at his best friend, didn’t meet Bart’s eyes or react to Cassie taking his hand on hers. He just made sure his face was perfectly devoid of any emotion when he muttered, low enough only a kryptonian would hear, ‘I wish it was any of you’. 

(A few nights later, when he and Conner were sitting quietly on the Tower’s roof, the clone took Tim’s hand with his own, his lack of red string blatantly obvious as he said ‘If I had any, I wish it could be you’. To this day, it’s the sweetest thing anyone ever said to him)

He is so, so tired, and he’s only sixteen. But keeping up with the shitfest that was the Battle for the Cowl, helping Dick while ignoring his red string (pulling him towards Nightwing, now Batman, stark contrast against the dark of his suit, with distracting insistency), dealing with Damian’s abuse as expected of him as the ‘mature, older brother’, coping with Bruce’s death, the shock of Dick throwing him, his soulmate, away so so easily…

(Shouldn't be surprising; Dick had been discarding him in favor of others since they met, shamelessly displaying his various relationships in front of him with an attitude that might be called cruel from anyone else but that just earned him playful shoves from other Leaguers while Tim was expected to swallow his pain, because a red string isn’t a promise, Dick is free… and yes, he knows that, but it doesn’t mean shit to his dying heart)

(Maybe, when he left for proof of Bruce being alive, it wasn’t so much for his old mentor than it was for himself)

----.----

Tim is seventeen and halfway across the world, looking at the string attached to his hand that never truly meant anything to any other than him (not to Bruce, who never took Dick aside and talked to him about consideration with his soul mate; not Dick's conquers, who never gave a fuck  about the red string in the hands that touched their skin, even when a lot of them knew who was on the other end of it; not Dick himself, who after asking every thing out of Tim and having it, forcefully took the one thing Tim wouldn't give by choice and claimed Tim was his equal, his soulmate, so he never could be his sidekick... even if it was the first time ever that Dick even mentioned the string tying them both together), when he thinks 'you were always free; now, I'm freeing myself’.

He gingerly bites on the string, and with his other hand takes a handful of it and pulls.

The pain piercing his heart is expected, but not new. He had been feeling it since the first time he saw Dick's back as he walked away with someone else.

He times it carefully, too. He doesn't think Dick would care, but just in case, Tim waits until it's morning in Gotham, when he's sure Dick is probably sleeping after patrol.

Maybe he would wake up without noticing

---.---

In Gotham, Dick is carried by Alfred and Damian to the cave, when the new Batman's screams of pain woke everyone in the Manor up. They are suspecting cardiac arrest, and then Dick looks down to his hand and notices the string, always tense, signaling him where his north is, where Tim is, laying loose and lifeless.

He panics, asks Superman to track Tim down or something, and when the man confirms Tim is still alive somewhere in the Middle East, he knows.

And like a freight train, the parting words Kori told him the last time they saw each other hit him right in the chest.

"He isn't going to wait for you forever"

----.-----

When Tim does come back, at nineteen, it’s a quiet thing. 

He spent the last how many days carefully setting his systems up, making sure his mainframe would outstand Oracle’s scrutiny when she realized he was back in town and tried to hack her way into his life.

(He didn’t blame her, of course not. Dick was charming enough, good enough, anyone he set his eyes into would be helpless to nothing but fall in his arms.

And, wasn’t Tim the one who would have been intruding, had he tried to chase after the first Robin? Everyone knew he and the original Batgirl were a perfect match, thousands of times better than Tim, whom Fate just wanted to screw over.

But not anymore)

The first thing he did, once the safe houses were chosen and his programs up and running, was to ruthlessly hack into the Batcomputer and take a look at patrol routes. 

He would need to keep clear of Diamond District and Old Gotham, least he risked crossing paths with B and R. The Financial and City Hall Districts were apparently Batgirl’s playground for the night, and if he wanted to drop by and let Cass know he was back, he could always search for her by the Upper West Side down to Chinatown.

He would avoid the Upper East Side like the plague, though. Maybe Coventry too, just to be safe. Lots of skintight blue in that direction.

Which left… Crime Alley, the Bowery and Burnley, mainly. He needn't check to know who’s house that was.

And that’s how he ended, on his very first night back on the streets, dragging Red Hood’s bleeding ass away from a blowing up building.

-----.-----

Apparently, saving a recently rehabilitated murderous vigilante was a bonding experience, because Jason didn’t kick him out of his side of town, nor tell on him. 

He couldn't, however, do anything to prevent the criminal gossip mile from spreading, and before a week had passed, half the city was aware of the new player on the board.

-----.------

Jason was taking a breather, smoking while sitting on his favorite rooftop, when the rustling sound of fabric told him his peace and quiet was over.

“I thought you were back at being N”, he greeted, not bothering to turn around or get up. 

“B was out of town, and Robin needed someone to watch over him during patrol.”

A quick glance around had Hood snorting, “Then y’re doing a shitty job. Don’t see the midget anywhere.”

It would never NOT be weird to hear a strangled laugh coming out of the Bat suit, as tight and humorless as it was now. It seemed big ol Dick wasn’t doing so great tonight.

“Batgirl took him to a party in Diamond District. Gang war.”

He humms in response, not bothering to keep on the smalltalk. N, no, B was here for something, and it wasn’t Jason’s job to ask it out of him; if it was important, he would do it himself.

“Where is him, Hood?”, he finally went to the heart of the matter. 

Jason tilted his head, still looking over his city, unmindful of the steps coming closer to his position, “Robin? Ya just said it, B. Going senile? Gang war, wasn’t it?”

“Don’t play around. You know I mean…”

Oh, yeah, Dickie still wasn’t sure what to call Timbo. Criminal gossip only went so far, for someone who didn’t bother to shout his hero name to everyone he beat up. It was very possible only  Jason was aware of his new monicker. All gothamites knew was a young vigilante showed up recently, wearing red and black and hanging out with the Hood, which immediately upped his street rep to ‘not to be fucked with’.

“Lil red?”, he completed for his older brother, feeling both charitable and petty. Batman’s wince was more evident by the rustling sound of his cape; he had hit a sore spot, hadn’t he? 

“Where? I’m not asking again.”

“Good, ‘cause I’m not answering. Must be ‘roundere somewhere, the little creep.”

“Hood, I’m running out of patience.”

“And I’m out of cigarettes, your point? I don’t have him on a leash asshole. We just share the same hunting space, it’s not like we go home together and do face masks while we talk about feelings.”

They did go to a safespot, though, and share beer and pizza while cursing their relatives and Fate as a whole, but it wasn’t necessary information for the fucker. He just breathed in the last of his smoke before dropping the cigarette butt and stepping on it, stretching as he did.

“Now, any more of this riveting conversation, or can I go? No, wait, it was a rhetorical question; get out of my part of town, ass. I’ve been plenty generous by letting you come this far, but our truce lasts as long as the lot of you don’t build any sandcastles on my playground and you know it. Now, scram.”

He could feel Dick’s reticence at leaving without what he came here for, but Oracle must be talking him into letting it be for tonight, because he didn't push. Jason turned just in the right moment to catch the way Dick looked down to his gloved hand, as if expecting the lifeless red string to be pulled taunt in Tim’s direction by some miracle. Jason felt the smallest ping of pity, quickly washed away by the memory of the younger hero’s haunted eyes as he told Jason the story of his severed soul bond and how he came to do it.

Thirty seconds after the bat vanished into the night, a little red bird landed softly on the spot next to him.

“Thanks, Hood”, he muttered, just as tired and hurting as he’d been ever since he saved Jason’s ass and they became partners, but with the smallest hint of lightness that made him prouder of driving Dick away than he’d ever been.

“Don’t mention it, but fair warning, the big B scomin back home in a few days, and he’s harder to kick out than a hurting, annoying bluebird.”

“I know”, Tim sighed, well aware of both facts. “I’ll play it by ear. For tonight, what about bashing some skulls and ruining Two Face’s new op? Good intel says it’s just a few blocks from here, and shattering bones always makes you smile.”

“Babybird, you speak the language of love.”

“Wasn’t that french?”

“I’m trying to compliment you, don’t be a smart ass about it.”

“I am smart, and I do have a good ass. That seems like an impossible request.”

----.----

[klbwriting]

Pirate’s Heart - Chapter 5

Parade Music Part 1

Fandom: Six of Crows

Pairing: Kaz/female!Reader

Summary: Y/N is saved and Kaz finds something troubling

Notes: so this was originally going to be longer but it was getting to be like 2500 words and I figured I would split it into 2 chapters, also we get to see how Y/N and Kaz met and the flirting is just *chef’s kiss*

Taglist:  @sixofshadowandbone​ @thedelusionreaderbitch​ @itsemy01​ @angelicdanvers​ @marinettepotterandplagg​ @screen-to-stage​ @aysegust​ @sagewrites111​ @lilyoflower​ @hey-peeps​ @starjane312​ @spawn0fsatan​ @myalupinblack​ @ameliathackray​ @moondustmarauder​

​

(its been too long since I’ve seen Milo)

This is parade music

Good grade music

Party like you just paid or got laid music

              Kaz had panicked when they started going to fast in the boat, they all looked shocked as Y/N was just pushing them, moving so fast in the water. Then he felt the boat falter for just a moment and blood was moving behind her legs in the water.  A bullet must have hit her and for whatever reason Kaz felt his heart was in his throat, worried she might stop and they would all be killed, worried that she was going to die.  He wasn’t sure at what point in this little jaunt he had really gotten attached to Lady Heartless but now he was.  They had always been friendly, even as rivals, but he never felt worried about her.

              Just after he was made captain of the Crow their small crew needed money to get more hands on deck so they had decided to hit up a small navy treasury on Port Du Nonce.  They noticed another ship was there, a pleasure vessel that they ignored, assuming it was just for the men.  They were even excited, hopefully most of the guards would have abandoned their posts to go party for the night.  They were shocked to find the guards dead, all of them.  Inside the treasury was a small group of young women, putting the money and gold bullion into bags and barrels.  

              “Can we help you gentlemen?” one of the women, the oldest of the group asked, holding her machete casually at her side, a pistol poised in her other hand. Kaz had considered his options, there were more of her crew than theirs, the odds were not good.

              “Who are you?” he asked, glaring.  He had wanted to make a striking first impression on his first job but clearly this would not be happening.  

              “I am…” the woman paused as if no one had asked her that before.  “Lady Heartless.”  Kaz had laughed at that.  What a dumb name.  “Have you come to steal our treasure?”

              “No, we came to steal Pekka Rollins treasure, but it appears you’ve done that already,” he said.  He didn’t know the moment it happened but something shifted then, maybe it was something he said or did but she put her weapons away and snapped her fingers.

              “Come on ladies, we have enough treasure, let’s leave the rest for the boys here,” she said.  The girls just nodded and grabbed onto what they were carrying.  She picked up a couple full bags of her own.  “There, now we each have some treasure to get our pirate careers going.  Take this half and stay out of my life, I’ve already had my life ruined once I don’t want it happening again.”  Kaz had watched her walk away and in that moment decided he was going to mess with her, fuck up every heist she tried to do if he could, generosity was a weakness he would exploit at every turn.  

              At first that’s what he did, he would do any job that he thought she might be at, noticing her pattern of only attacking pleasure vessels or navy treasuries or mining sights, anything that Rollins had a hand in.  His uncle must have done whatever she had said had ruined her life. They met often at first and finally she had gotten tired of him.  

              “You are ruining my life,” she one night when she had just finished kicking his ass and taking a job out from under him, something he normally did to her. “Now, stay down and don’t make me shoot you.  You’re a boy trying to be a man, grow up a little bit before you try crossing me again.”  

              “I’m not here to ruin your life, only fuck up your night,” he said, moving to stand.  She sighed and shook her head.

              “I really didn’t want to do this,” she muttered.  He lunged for her, ready to take her out with his cane, when she shot him.  It only grazed him really but it was the first time he had been shot and instead of pushing through it and attacking he just grabbed her sleeve, pulling it down and seeing the scarring on her chest.  It was then, as he lay bleeding, that he put together who she was.  

              “Wait…” he had called but she kept walking, yelling for his crewmates to come retrieve him before leaving him there.  

              Kaz touched the scar on his side from her shooting him as he cleaned up from their job.  She had been taken to his medic’s room to be looked at and he had sent the others to clean up.  The ship was in a state of paused motion right now, everything seeming slow as they waited to hear about the other captain.  He knew that the others had questions, but it wasn’t his place to answer them.  He had left them waiting for word on her while he changed and wiped off the blood. He had already been sick from what had been happening but seeing her carried below, pale and mumbling incoherently had made it worse.  He couldn’t stomach going to see her while she was worked on so instead he decided to go through the bag she had retrieved.

              He hid the will and all of Rollins’s identification papers, knowing that the crew did not need to know about any of that.  He counted the heaps of money and bonds finding that there more than he thought before.  This was enough for both ships to function for a year without needing to do another job. He set them aside and started to pour through the business documents, wanting to see what was going on amongst the islands.  He froze when he found a parchment that held plans for harnessing the power of a sea witch to destroy the reef and open them back up to the world again.  That would be a problem.  More access meant more pirates, more competition.  Kaz clenched his jaw, he didn’t like the sound of this. He slid that paper aside to show Y/N later, if she survived.  He was just finishing a rather boring stacks of documents when Jesper came in without knocking.

              “Didn’t I tell you next time you came in unannounced you would lose a finger?” Kaz asked, looking up from the parchment.  Jesper took a step back out the door and knocked on it.  Kaz nodded, not really wanting to get more blood on him tonight anyway.  

              “I just wanted to let you know that Y/N is ok, awake, the medic gave her a crutch to use and why the hell didn’t anyone tell us she could do that? What is she?” Jesper asked.  Kaz glared at him.  “You know what, I will just go and ask her, um, goodnight.”  He closed the door in a hurry.  Kaz let out a breath of relief and sat back, a small smile coming to his face.

                Y/N woke up, sitting up quick and gripping her head.  It ached like someone had hit her with a hammer.  She looked around the small cabin, slowly figuring out that it was the medic’s room.  She looked at her leg, seeing her pantleg pushed up to her knee, a bandage wrapped around it.  There was a crutch leaning on the bed.  She gingerly swung her legs over the side and stood, leaning on the crutch.  She remembered swimming and the pain, she must have been shot during the escape.  She needed to get some seawater and kelp, that should help her heal faster. She pushed open the door of the cabin and walked out.  Inej and Nina were waiting for her.

              “Let us help you,” Nina said, offering her arm.   Y/N took it gratefully and walked to the steps.  “What do you need?”

              “Find out if they have any kelp and seawater aboard, I don’t think I can swim enough to get it myself, it’ll help me heal up faster,” she said.  Inej nodded and went off to do as asked.  “When she gets back I’ll explain everything.” Nina smiled.

              “Its ok, we kind of figured you were a mermaid with the whole finding you in the jungle thing, and you know not aging for 5 years,” she said.   Y/N laughed a little, feeling a great fondness for her ladies.  She wished she could love them, she really did.  

              “Yes, but I didn’t tell you everything and you should know, I mean, I’m sure you’ve pieced together parts of my story, but I should tell you both all of it,” she said.  Nina got her above deck and sat her on a bench near the side of the ship.  She stretched out her leg and saw the rest of the crew eyeing her.  Ah, so everyone knew there was mermaid aboard now, great.  Inej soon came back with some kelp and fresh seawater.  

              “Captain Kaz told them to get it after he knew you survived,” she said. Y/N raised an eyebrow but just nodded, taking the kelp and dipping it in seawater.  “Nina, remove the bandage please.”  Nina did as asked, her fingers quick and concise.  Once removed Y/N handed her the kelp.  “Now wrap that like a bandage.”  Once again the girl did as asked before sitting back.  

              “How does that help?” Nina asked.  

              “Mermaids get their abilities from the water, we are born into it and we spend our lives taking care of it and the creatures in it so it in turn takes care of us.  I’m sure you saw me swimming, it gives us some extra strength and speed in the water and also can help us heal quickly.  That wound should be gone in a couple days.  Send word to the Menagerie to meet us at the rendezvous point at Pirate Island,” she said.  Inej ran off to do that.  Jesper, Matthias, and Wylan joined them soon, offering their regards and telling her they were happy she was alive.  She looked at the stern and saw Kaz watching her.  He didn’t approach so she just nodded to him and he nodded back to her.  

              During the voyage to Pirate Island, the farthest island from Argoes, Y/N slept a lot in Kaz’s room, healing up.  Kaz avoided his room mostly, only sleeping in short bursts so that he could not be around her.  She looked dead still when she slept and he couldn’t handle it.  After Jordie he couldn’t handle someone else he cared about being hurt like this.  He scowled at himself.  Admitting he cared for Y/N just annoyed him, he already cared too much about other people and its not like she could ever really care about him.  She could like him enough to not want him to die, but actually care?  Never.

              He hadn’t meant to be in the room when she woke up but here she was, just a few hours before they would be getting to their destination, sitting up, looking much better, eyes finally focused and sharp again.  Kaz had been coming in to change his shirt but stopped, trying to close the door again but she had seen him.

              “Kaz Brekker get in here and acknowledge that I’m alive,” she demanded. He groaned internally.  This fucking woman.  He entered, glaring at her.  “Don’t be like you’re happy I’m still breathing.”  He dropped the glare but still didn’t look pleased.

              “What do you want?  Aren’t you still resting?” he asked, leaning to his cane.  She leaned down and peeled the kelp from her leg, showing him a scar where the wound had been.  “Miracles seem to happen every day for you it seems.”

              “Not the day I met you cranky,” she grumbled.  This brought out the glare again.  “Why have you been avoiding me?  We should be talking about what we found from Rollins’s desk and how to divvy up the cash.”  Kaz didn’t want to answer her question so he avoided it.

              “There’s enough in there for each of us to live a year without actually pirating,” Kaz said.  Y/N’s face broke out in a grin that rivaled the sun.  “We can do the official split after the party.”

              “Party?” she asked.  Kaz was throwing a party?

              “It’s the biggest bounty we’ve had in years, the men want to have a party. They also wanted me to ask for your ladies to join if they want,” he said.  

              “Yes of course as long as they behave, anyone giving trouble will have body parts removed,” Y/N said.  Kaz agreed to her stipulations before moving on to the next issue.

              “We have a problem, Rollins has plans to harness a sea witch’s power to try and break the reef again,” he said.  Her eyes widened.  “More access to these islands means more competition for us, less loot to go around.”

              “It would mean that Rollins would get unlimited power too, if the sea witch’s power is strong enough to break the reef it could possibly be strong enough to do much more to the rest of the world,” she said.  Kaz looked at her surprised, having not thought about that.

              “What would give a sea witch that kind of power?” he asked although he was pretty sure he already knew.

              “The heart of a rare tail mermaid,” she answered.  “Well, we have the plans, is there a map?”

              “Yes, to a spot near Argoes.”

              “Horus’s home, they probably don’t know how to summon them, shit, now that Rollins knows I’m alive he’ll probably try to find me.  Fuck, I’m going to have to abandon the Menagerie until this is over, I can’t put those woman at risk over my own stupidity,” she said, throwing the useless kelp across the room.  “He knows I’m alive, he knows I know how to summon a sea witch.  I’m sorry Kaz, me just being here is going to put you in danger…”

              “I’m not worried about that, I’m worried about how we’re getting you to this Horus’s home to summon them,” he said.  She snorted a laugh.

              “You think that I’m just going to waltz in there and somehow get their power? They wear their power in a crystal around their neck, it would take a master thief or magician…”

              “Good think I’m both of those things,” Kaz said.  She looked at him.  

              “When do we tell the crew?” she asked.  

              “After the party, let them have some fun before we start putting their lives in danger again,” he said.   Y/N nodded. “Will you…join me at the party?”

              “Are you asking me on a date Kaz Brekker?” she asked, hoping she didn’t bely how pleasing the idea was.  Kaz smirked and shook his head.

              “No, I just know everyone would like to see you there looking healthy after you almost died on us,” he said.  “Morale booster and all.”   Y/N looked at him and smiled, he was telling her half of the truth.

              “Admit it, you just are too nervous to ask me on a date.”

              “Would you even say yes if I did?”

              “Ask and you’ll find out.”  Kaz opened his mouth to speak but they heard the call for land above them so instead he stood and headed out the door.  Y/N smiled after him and for the first time she felt a pang of something new in her soul, she couldn’t identify it but it was something that only Kaz seemed to bring out in her.