#i am so....so proud of myseld.

[badcountryofficial]

Like. Hey. Holds my own hand. You are so fucking amazing

[hellodarling1357]

Hi Marley! How about 1, 5, and 13 for the ask game? I apologize for the many questions, but I truly am curious.

Hi!! Please don't apologise, I'm flattered that you even want to know any of this about me in the first place

1. What is your favourite trope to write?

Ooh I have so many! But lately super domestic/fluffy pieces are right up there for me, I do love a bit of enemies to lovers (got a few WIPs for this) as well as rekindled lovers (again, more WIPs). But usually love writing just about any and all tropes

5. The fic you're most proud of writing (copy/pased from previous ask xx)

Hmmm so I'm not good at self praise and saying I'm proud of something that I've writen makes me feel uncomfy but I need to get over that so I'm going to say that Friend and Foe is up there for me because I let myself branch out a bit more compared to what I had been doing and let myseld have fun with it rather than trying to write what I thought others might enjoy.

And I'm pretty proud of Tiny Toes 🥰 The whole dynamic with Reader, Cassian and Ottie has captured my heart and I could just spend hours upon hours writing for them

13. Latest fic written/latest WIP

The most recent fic I've posted is part 6.2 of Tiny Toes but I'm currently going between working on Flames and Embers as well as The 1. I'm super excited for both of these fics but struggling to write the middle parts between what I already have planned out

[emotionallydeteriorating]

i feel like a loser when i am around people i hate myself sm why cant i be like them why am i like this when will i be able to fix myseld. i dont do shit thay will make someone proud of me i dont think. i cant even get myself to do things that will make a change in my life and the people i love. i dont wanna be a disappointment fr but the things ik doing rn leads me to that path where i dont wanna be. i dont know how to save myself from ts. i js want to die and if god isnt gonna fucking kill me then why cant he fix shit for me it makes me cry knowing how i have hurt people rn too i have tears in my eyes evrytime i think ab ts i end up crying. i beg god to fix evrything im so tired of this. i only pray to god to fix me cus i wanna give the people i love what they deserve that is good things which theyve been giving me ever since i was born. my head starts hurting when i think ab this i want to scream and cry and i js want this to get better. i rly would km$ cus idgaf ab ts shit. but i cant do it cus there r ppl who will have to be sad ab me and i dont want them to blame themselves for something that i do to myself. this is no fun i don’t like to be alive i didnt ask to be here what am i doing here. if i was js born to be a loser then whats the point of existing why cant i js die without making everyone sad. i have so much guilt in my heart and it hurts everyday everytime. i only do bad things to people. theres nothing good ab me i hate myself i hate this so much like im so tired of ts bs bro no shit. its so hard to walk with all the guilt in my heart it hurts rly. i js want to run away from my thoughts idk. when im happy or something good has happened i get scared cus ik ts is only temporary when and at the end of the day ik how its gonna be again. i get scared cus ik god will take anyrhing away from me that makes me happy. well not always hit sometimes but im still grateful for the things that have happened that were good but still again it didnt change anything for the people i hurt so idk. i honestly dont even feel shit idk i cant do normal things that people do i dont experience things that people my age do i js rot rot rot and let my thoughts consume me. iwhen i feel soemthing its like all emotions together otherwise its like i don’t feel anything? like what is happening dude. i js dont understand this. i cant think anything positive or any good thing happening with me bc i js know thats not whats gonna happen and not like i deserve it idk and anyways theres no point in thinking good when u already know whats gonna happen why would i wanna disappoint myself by thinking positive cus ik that the outcome is always negative. idk bro im tired

[pennnyforyourthotss]

I hate myself, I hate myself so much that I never fail to remind myself of it, I am never proud of nyself, never look after ny body, never try to go out of ny way to be better bcos I HATE MYSELD

[anonbinaryweirdo]

OKAY IT SFOUR AM RN

AND AND

AND

AND I KILLED SO MAMY ENDERMEN

IM SO PROUD OF THSI

THEY SURROUNDED US /SRS

BUT I KILLED THEM ALL BY MYSELD AHHHH

[mayoiayasep]

[katyspersonal]

DUUUUUUUDEEEEEE GOOOODDAMIT WTF you won't BELIEVE what happened at work today o_o

My bitch coworker the goddamn suspicious ass treacherous RAT, she STOLE hella money from cash register when I was not looking???? The thing is? /I/ was the one who was able to put all clues together and even bring new ones up (apparently something about my behavior makes manipulators slip and expose myself further lol) like... god, honing detective my skills with detecting lore clues in Bloodborne proved being useful irl xD

And I should probably be happy that I solved the case and money is back but... I am already paranoid as is, so this situation is... bad for my mind. Gotta watch my back around everyone ffs :facepalm:

[vynsvision]

Proud to share that this is my first area in Teyvat at 100% exploration!!!!

It started at 66% today and I was Not going to deal with Dragonspine (which is at a measly 53% :/ ) ...

...so I chose this one and I did it all by myself (usually I have a friend who helps me w stuff like this) and just. AAAAHHHH!!!! Im so excited. It was mostly fun beyond having to deal with the wind barrier for a few chests but. Yeah.

I know I have a long ways to go (its a little embarrassing how often I skip grabbing easy chests bc I avoid fights when im alone in my world- yes, im spoiled) with the rest of Teyvat as yeah I have everything unlocked bc im AR uuuuh 55 BUT I didnt start seriously playing until recently so. I. I dont really have an excuse but I also don't need to explain myself...

Anyway. Im excited. When I finish all of Mondstadt I will be riding that high for a while. :P

[goldkirk]

hi holy shit I haven’t been this mad and trigger tempered in years holy SHIT I had to get on the phone with someone just so that I wouldn’t 1) scream at my dog 2) break stuff in my room and smash a hole in the wall and 3) walk outside in the cold snow with no coat or boots on and kick the brick wall until I literally break my foot I’m not kidding I am a rope that has almost snapped and is holding on through one single remaining thread. holy shit

[luckychrm]

this bitch passed all her exams!!

[kavehpilled]

AZ IM SO BEYOND PROUD OF YOU BUT PLEASEPLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF... I NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. TAKE BREAKS LOVE I AM CHEERING YOU ON AND MAKING YOU A CONGRATUALITIIONS CAKE

I PROMISE I AM TAKING CARE OF MYSELD NOW

[daryfromthefuture]

Oh my fucking god this took ages to write I am so sorry

hey @knickynoo i updated my fic before you updated yours after a pretty much same period of time passed proud of myseld rn

[yearns-in-lesbian]

I think everybody should be proud of me

im taking care of myseld and going to bed at *checks watch* *sighs* 3:30am

whixh sounds bad

but I am not Tired and doafp just came out

so You should still be proud

[tell-mi]

About Us -

The Night We Met

Nikki Lopez is known for her music since she was a young teenager. She grew up with fame and being in public. She is a superstar. The only thing missing in her life was a man on her side. Little did she know that one tipsy night with her friends might possibly change everything.

"Who wants another drink?"

You raised yourself from the comfortable emeralgreee sofa in the living room of your best friend Niall. You knew that beautiful soul since almost five years now. You've met him at an interview back in your hometown in spain as you and his band got interviewed as the new generation of musicians. You got really close to each other over the years and become best friends. You two were good known in the industries and had a lot of mutual friends. A few times your fans shipped you as a couple but it didn't ever came into your minds. As the band split a few years ago your ways parted with some guys of the band but you an Niall remained best friend's since then. You loved each others like brother and sister. You always catch up at parties every once in a while. This time it was the party of Niall back in London. His parties were always the most funny ones, especially when Harry was also there.

You also knew Harry since five years. But other than the friendship with Niall you really fot lost in daydreams with Harry a few times. It was obvious for both of you that you liked each other a lot but you never thought about getting nearer to each other than to meet at Nialls. And despite the "only friends" rule you have made up as you almost kisses each other after Harry cried his heart out because of the Camille breakup, you two were still flirty with each other when you reached a certain state of tipsyness.

"I will take one, but will mix it myseld. Do ya have some other stuff here?" The deep voice which was sitting across from you a few seconds ago also raised up from his seat.

"I have some stuff in the fridge. Also bought some fruits today since Nikki made those nice cocktails the last time. You know where everything is so help yourself, bro" Niall pouted with the sweetest face towards Harry and then you. "You too!"

As you wanted to answer, Harry already crossed your sight towards the group, with a hand on your hip and edged you to the kitchen.

"I will help her before she gets drunk again by tasting every new mixture she wants to serve us" Harry grinned with a winning face of this joke to you. You intentionally smacked him in his left waist causing him to giggle.

"It's not my fault when you fill up my glass all the time Styles. By the way I still hate you for the last time."

"Nikky, it wasn't because of my, it was because of your shitty cocktails"

You two entered the kitchen while shit chatting.

"You still think you are the better bartender, do ya?"

"Nikky, I am! We all know that you only mix up some stuff you think tastes good and end up being drunk" he giggled in your back.

"Yet, you also like to drink it" you turned around on your heel to face Harry who was so near behind you that you almost crashed into each other.

Staring into each others eyes a little bit to long, his mouth lit up into a grin. Shaking his head a no. "Not me!"

"Bet, that you will love me at the end of the night for my heavenly drinks, just as the last time?" you crossed your arms infront of your chest, teasing him while leaning closer to him. He is a good amount taller than you, so you have to stand on your tip toes. Harry imitating your behaviour by also crossing his arms and leaning in closer to you. "You were shit ass drunk the last time. I don't know why and how you even imagine me loving your drinks."

You cleared your throat to be able to imitate his deep voice.

"Oh Nikky, I swear to god, these are sooo good, I want to get you laid for those drinks. I swear if we were alone I ..." you did your best to imitate his accent as well until he covered your mouth with his hand and the biggest grin on his face. His dimples so deep and his cheeks so red, he cannot hide his embarrassment of the last time you two got drunk while playing the bartender at a party.

"I don't even sound like that. Let's go!" he turned you around and gave you a smack on you butt. "And I wouldnt even say no to get you laid while I'm sober, so don't even think that's because of your drinks. It's because your hot." he mumbled in your neck. You turned around slightly shooked. You always went touchy and flirty at each other but it stayed over the waistline. You would admit that he is rather hot and you also thought about being more than just friends a few times. Still, it irritated you that he was so forward at once. "Hey, Mister!" you shushed to him. The only response from him was his tongue stiking out to you and the devilish grin which you could see through his eyes. You cannot help but enjoy the forwardness which he now included in his flirts.

As you entered the back of the kitchen you pulled out some liquids and fruits to garnish everything. The glasses are staked in one of the higher shelves so that it wasn't possible for you to reach them with you 163 cm. You heaved yourself on your tiptoes and pulled yourself up as much as possible. But still, it wasn't possible to reach the stacks. You heard Harry's deep voice giggle behind you which caused you to turn around in annoyance. Harry still leaned against the counter staring at the back of you.

"Wanna help me or just stand there, staring at my butt and giggle like an idiot, Styles?"

"I was just admiring the view here!" he raised his hands guilty.

"Good, now help me please!"

Without even thinking twice you grabbed Harry by his hand and pulled him towards you. His eyes never letting go of yours while he still grinned at you, he stepped even closer than you've pulled him in. You could say that you both were a bit tipsy by this time of the evening after a few drinks. His chin almost touching your forehead now. He was so near that you could smell his perfume mixed up with the beer he already drank. You wouldn't say you don't like him so close to you. And you wouldn't argue about the admiration you could recognize in his gaze at you too. As you two stared in each others eyes for a little bit too long again, he reached over your head to grab some margarita glasses but never let go of your eyes. Both of you felt the tension rise. Harry leaned in closer, if that would have even been possible judging by how close you already have been. The hand which was holding yours a few seconds ago now let go and wandered to the side of yours. His cold finger found their way to the hem of your shirt, barely touching the skin on your hip. Feeling his skin on yours made something rise in your body. You felt hot and the only thing you wanted to do in this moment was pulling him in. It was different today, something between the two of you changed since the last times you've met and you would admit that it wasn't a bad change. You've never let your thoughts wander farer than flirting but the last time you got drunk something more happened.

The thought of the last cocktail session two months ago somehow encouraged both of you to go on from the point you stopped. Which was almost falling over each other at your place after a heavy make out session at your front door. Whatsoever you didn't went farther than making out until you decided to not let him inside your flat.

"Gosh, would you please get a room?" Niall aprulptly interrupted the tension.

You had been risen out of your daydream of Harry and you making out so heavily that you didn't even know how you reacted. Something between ashamed and amazed. Whatever Harry didn't even bother to let his hands go of you, just turning his head around at Niall.

"Shut up! Why do the smallest people even buy the tallest stacks?'

"For you to have an excuse to amaze her, my friend!" Niall pointed at you with a boyish grin and was proud of his wingman action right now. Niall knew what happened between you two. You directly called him after that one night and told him to never let you get drunk again if Harry is near. You never admitted that you might be attracted to him a bit more than you used to behave in his presence. But your best friend knew. It was almost as if he could sense it. And he encouraged you to go on with Harry. It was as if he wanted to pair you two off. Well, you never minded, but not now.

"Fuck off Niall!" you showed him your middle finger and teared away the margarita glasses from Harry to put them on the counter right between you. "Drinks?" you started to pour different liquors with some juices in a shaker

"Depends on what you wanna call this mixtures" Harry mumbled while observing you.

"Call it what you want, Styles... Oh no.. let me call it..." your finger resting on your lips as you thought of a pun which would fit to Harry. "Let's call it Hot Brit." You slides the cocktail to Harry. Niall, already left the kitchen after grabbing a few more beer, letting you two with your flirts.

"Gotta spice it more up, if it has 'Brit' in its name." Harry imitated the quotation marks with his two index fingers. He grabbed the bottle of tequila and poured in some more shots.

"Honey, tequila might be a bit too spicey for you. Must've added Gin or something different"

"Well, than it should be perfectly spiced for that little Latina here" He toasted while giving you a wink.

"Dios Mio!" you let your Spanish accent hanging out and gestured like you waved some air to you. The two of you began to giggle towards the opposite person.

"Cheers"

"Cheers"

As the night goes on, you managed to get shit ass drunk due to Niall and Harry always refilling your glass when it wasn't even half empty. Some of the guys already left, the rest made themselves comfortable on the large couch. You, yourself were sunk into the single chair. As Harry returned from saying goodbye to some of his friends he moved over to the armrest of the chair you were sitting in right now.

"Hey, it is so long to go until we come together like this again guys. So drink!" Again Niall was throwing the next round for the group.

"Not for me, bro. I've got to give an interview tomorrow in the afternoon. Don't wanna sleep in to long after getting wasted" Harry handed his glass to you, giving you a small delicate smile.

"You gotta stand in for me tonight, Nikky"

"Boy, I am not gonna make it through this night if we go on like this"

"So?"

"So what?" you didn't understand what Harry was about.

A few minutes later he moved closer to you. It made you a bit nervous that he was really close by now. You glared him a questioning look.

"Would you move over?"

"Where should I move, Styles. This is a one man chair."

"It can easily fit two"

"yeah, how?" blame it on the alcohol, but you didn't catch what he was about. So you still looked at him innocently not knowing what he wanted. He awed at you and patted on both of his tights.

"Here?"

"Fine" you rolled your eyes to annoy him a bit but pulled him in by his forearm with a big grin. You let yourself drop down on his lap. The two of you moved around a bit until you both found a comfortable position. Your butt on one tight while your legs bent over his other leg. Your back leaning against his chest. Harry threw both arms around your hips while one free hand rested a bit above the side of your butt. You could sense that he wanted to touch you but was to shy to really do it infront of your friends. Once in a while, when he moved his head, you could feel his breathing on your neck. When his warm lips got closer to you, you winced a bit. You knew he liked it as he repeated it a few times and chuckled silently afterwards. You grabbed his tight with one hand to pinch him to stop. But it seemed as it just encouraged him to go on with the teasing.

"Stop it" you whispered so silent that only Harry could hear you. He saw you biting your lower lip. You knew that he liked it, he liked to tease you and it made you feel even more needy. You moved a bit to catch his eyes. Both of you grinning at each other while you sipped the last bit of your drink.

"You are cute" he whispered to you. Now he was the one biting his lips to suppress his feelings.

As the night goes on with drinking and talking, Harry and you managed to not being to obvious with your flirts. After a while you decided to get up and help Lilly, who was cleaning up the mess in the kitchen. She was another one who always managed to stay more sober than being tipsy. The view of you trying to stay straight while walking made her chuckle.

"Girl, what got you so drunk?"

"Dunno, just to much mixed up all at once or so"

"It would be better for you if you sit down a bit. Gotta check how to get you home. Here!" she offered you a glass of water.

After you've swallowed the water down within just a few seconds you got of from the bar chair at the kitchen counter and went back to the living room where Harry already discussed with Lilly that he will accompany you home since he just wanted to leave and didn't live that far away from yours.

"But my home is nearer than yours. I don't want to bother you to have a detour just because of me"

Harry helped you in your coat.

"Nikky, like I said. Don't be a fool. It's just a twenty minutes walk, so I don't care."

"I can call a taxi. I don't want you to have any circumstances because of me" you whined at your friend. Drunk you can be a pain in the ass sometimes. You always shame yourself the next day for acting like a whining child when your drunk.

"You don't. Come on!"

"But Harry, you have to work tomorrow. I don't want to bother!" you whined even more. Harry was still patient with you. He really liked the drunken way of yours. He found it kinda cute since he new how different and sexy you could be sometimes.

"You can be a pain in the ass Nikky. Now come on!" he offered you his hand and pulled you towards him. As you didn't reckoned him to pull you in so fast you stumbled against his chest another time.

"Ouch, asshole" you tried to hit him back hard but only managed to hit him with a little slap which caused him to laugh.

"Come on you little wrestler" he pulled you into his arms and went to your friends to say goodbye.

The cold London air his you immediately. You tried to zip up your long red coat but failed a few times while trying to keep the pace of Harry. Frustrated you stopped to try to zip up the wool but again failed. Harry noticed your fight with the zipper but didn't bother to help you. He was too amused of the cute way of how you got annoyed about yourself and watched for some seconds. After a while he took a few steps closer to you again.

"I'm freezing...." you sighed upset. Looking him in his eyes and getting struck by his gentle smile, you almost fell over your own feet. Harry pulled you by the hem of your coat towards his body.

"Let me help you, come here!"

The alcohol began to hit again, mixed with the fresh air it even felt harder while it got in your head. The fuzzy feeling and Harry's body near yours amused you.

"Stop to chuckle, Nikky. I can't catch the zipper if you keep on shaking like this. Please" he began to chuckle along with you. You had to hang on to his shoulders while he tried to zip up your coat.

"Oh my, how did I even got so wasted today?" you couldn't stop to laugh now.

"Well maybe, because you drank almost a bottle of tequila alone and a few more glasses of other stuff? Ever thought about that?"

"You made me!" he almost screamed at him while still laughing.

"I didn't"

"Sure you did"

"Nope" he poked the 'p' out while he finally managed to zip up your coat. He straightened your scarf and gave you a soft smile again. Suddenly you felt strange in your stomach. You cannot assign it to the alcohol or Harry being so cute towards you. You quickly turned around and fastened your steps. You wanted to get home and say goodbye so that you don't have to bother with a next make out situation. You knew that this time you wouldn't say no to him and you knew that it will change your whole friendship if you go farther.

"Stop running, you little shit!" you hear Harry giggly scream in your neck. Although you being a very fast walker, he easily caught up and kept the pace with his long legs. You tried to walk even faster but almost slipped over your feet, which made you both chuckle again. Finally you lost balance and fell down in his arms.

"Hey!" you've never seen Harry's face so bright but scared at the same time.

"Would you please stop acting so stupid, you gonna get hurt!?"

"No! It's not my fault if you fill me up."

"Nikky!"

"....Harry!"

"Hey!"

"Now it's your task to take care of me, so deal with it!" you spread your arms and pointed to your face with a big smile.

His dimpled deepens as she shook his head looking down at you and got on his knees infront of you.

"Girl, you are a pain in the ass when your drunk. What am I gonna do with you?"

"Well, first...." you raised your finger right Infront of his face to exhort him "...stop being so cute to me. And second, just bring me home." You threw your head back in frustration about yourself, about the alcohol, about his face which light up at your acting, about you being so clingy right now.

Harry was entertained by your acting. You had been drunk a few times but he never experienced you behave like this. He always liked you, he enjoyed being around you. But the last time you two got wasted and ended up making out changed his feelings. He didn't only like you, he wanted you. First he thought he was just turned on. You are a beautiful women and he always appreciated your character as well. But now he knew he isn't just turned on, he liked the way you look at him. He liked the way that you are annoyed of him being soft for you. He liked how you fell for his charme.

Harry reached out his hand for you to grab.

"Come on" he winked at you with his charming smile but you didn't even though about getting up. You were so tired right now and you could swear were about to throw up if you got up on your feet.

"Nikky, you cannot sit on the ground the whole night. It is ass cold. Let's go home. Come on sweetheart"

"Sweetheart?"

His chuckle didn't make it any better. You got lost in his eyes and smile combined with your stomach staring to hurt. You felt wasted and bad. Suddenly you took his hand almost in reflex, because you didn't even noticed how you managed to get back on your feet. You felt so shit ass deunk, it was hard to move on.

"Harry?" you were so quiet he couldn't even hear you. "Harry, I need a bathroom. How long do we need to go until my place?"

"Uhm, it's a bit."

Your face made him sorrowful. You looked awful and he wanted to make sure to get you home safely. He made up a plan how to bring you home to his place because he would not let you be alone in this rate of drunkenness.

"But it is just five minutes until my place. You can stay ther. Do you feel okay enough to walk?"

"Hmh" you started to get whiney again. "But I don't wanna crash at yours, you have to work tomorrow." he grabbed your arm and almost pulled you towards his body. His hand always resting around your hip to steady you.

"I insist, come on"

It wasn't the first time for you in Harry's apartment but it felt so strange. He must have renovated a few things since a lot of decoration was different now. You let yourself sink on his very large and compfy couch while still wearing your coat. The urge to throw up was gone after your five minutes walk to his apartment and all you wanted to do right now was closing your eyes and sober up. Harry prepared a carafe of cold water and put it on the coffee table with two glasses and aspirin.

He crouched infront of you to open your coat and pull down your boots. You insisted to go home a few times but let him go on with undressing the street clothes. The way he was watching you and be careful how to act towards you to not make you feel ill was soft and sweet. He grabbed your feet and placed them on the couch so that you could lay down more compfy.

"Here you go!" his hand touched your cheek and carresed the hair out of your face. Harry shook his head with a grin "I will so grumble with you tomorrow. You scared the shit out of me. Almost fainted at the street"

" 'M sorry" you tried to smile at him to cheer him up.

"I'm gonna get the bed ready. Take your time. Drink some water and if you feel a bit better you can shower if you want. It will help you sober up a bit." he stood up from the couch and moved towards his room "ah yeah, pink or green toothbrush?"

"Huh?"

"What colour do you want? I have them both"

"Harry!"

"Nikky?!"

"...pink" you answered almost with a whisper. The way he took care of you let you melt infront of him.

After another twenty minutes you managed to get yourself together and shower. Harry left you some spare towels and a large shirt of him in the bathroom. He apologized for not having a selection of showergel which didn't smell so menly, it made you giggle. You kinda liked the smell of his body wash. It was something between coffee, tobacco and vanilla. After stepping out of the shower you brushed your teeths and went to the living room. You felt quite better right now.

Harry was already half asleep on the couch, looking compfy in wide sleeping shorts and a shirt. You felt guilty for making him stay up so long. You sit down at the end of the couch next to his upper body and slightly touched his shoulder to wake him up.

"Hey, what are you doing here? I've prepared my bed for you!"

"I won't sleep in your bed, Harry. Let me use the couch and go get in your bed yourself."

"No, you are my guest, so you can have the bed!" You thought that Harry was slightly offended by your insistence to not use his bed. But you didn't care.

"I wont let you sleep on the couch while I sleep in your room. It just didn't feel right. So move"

You climbed at the couch and let yourself sink in next to him. Your back at the end of the backrest. It was to tight so you forced Harry to move a bit to have few more space. He didn't even though about moving away. Your body's were so close to each other you could feel your soft skins beneath the thin fabrics. Only wearing a lace panty under a shirt didn't help to not get touchy with Harry again. Your legs started to tangle around each other and your nose touched his chin. You could feel Harry's warm breath against your forehead. And you could swear you could feel his lips turn into a smile.

"Would you move a bit please?"

"No!" this came out almost to quick. "I told you to got to bed. I won't move a single inch" his low, sleepy voice hit you. You felt warm and needy. Blame it on the alcohol or on his body near yours, but you only wanted to touch him and kiss him again. You turned your head up to face him. It was dark, the only light came from outside of the window. But you could see his eyes never letting go of staring at your mouth. His hand wandered down your arm to your hip. Harry opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but closed it a few times. Almost so silent that it was har to listen to him as he finally talked.

"Would you please stop looking at me like this. I'm not half as drunk as you but I swear, I am tipsy enough to fall for your stary eyes if you don't stop to stare, Nikky"

"Fine"

You turned yourself around and lied next to him with your back hitting him against his chest. You felt his heavy breathing, his chest rise and fall against you. For some reason he was to shy to put his arm around you. He acted totally different from a few hours ago where he was totally touchy towards you. So you grabed his arm and pulled it around your belly not letting go of his hand. You fell asleep really quick but Harry couldn't. His heart raced because of you so close to him. He was spooning you and could feel your butt against his lower body. As you jiggled your butt a few times to adjust the perfect position your shirt slid up, exposing lacy fabric against him. His hand wandered down to the hem of your shirt to pull it down again. Just in this moment you woke up and giggled.

"What are you doing, creep?"

"Have you been awake the whole time?" he grumbled in your neck.

"No, no I woke up by someone trying to get me naked while I sleep" you teased while adjust your position again. Now you also noticed that you pressed your half naked butt against Harry's turned on prick.

"I swear to god, Nikky. If you don't stop this thing here I will have to get you naked" You felt his head against your shoulder. His mouth tracing up and down against your neck while he speaks.

"Try.." you cupped his cheek behind your head and pulled him clother to your neck. You never felt so needy like now. His hands wandered up under your shirt and down your belly until it rested just above the hem of your panty. You could feel his thumb throughout the lace tracing down your clit. His crotch growing with every second you pushed your butt against him. He wanted you just as much as you wanted him right now.

"Will you finally come to bed with me?"

"Uh Huh"

[princesspuddle]

im.nervous about tomorrow, i feel sick and sad and idk what to say tomorrow :(( no body to tell, ask, brainstorm or anything, i wish i could tell people but it just feels pointless and like weight on people. While im happy to keep it to myself im also unhappy to. I read back my old letter today and in the note section about who to go to when i need help was a name i can no longer go to help/talk to for and it made me laugh a bit, i also told them if im ever in a crisis he is the only one they can contact that i trust. And this was less that 6 months ago.. im just trying to think of my future self and that what im feelikg right now, going through and healing is all so i can be completely finenin the future.

The only times it crosses my mind is the small things id be doing in the day where id probably message him what im up to.. other than that i feel like nothings changed.. its almost more sad this way because im trying to think of how the relationship was actuallu adding anything different to my life..

Im struggling with getting tasks done right now.. the same as in the relationship

Im not getting physical attention.. i wasnt in the relationship either..

Im not inspired to be healthier in my food/excersise.. i wasnt in the relationship either

Im not super encouraged to attain personal and futute goals.. i wasnt in the relationship either.. or it felt more like that was a cursed topic.

I dont feel majorly unwanted because i didnt feel super wanted in the relationship either.. if anything, this is more uspetting me writting this right now. What has changed? I feel the same, better, most days. Now i am just having to be self reliant, like i always was. But with less depressive feelings of being in a co-partnership and not being equal supported.

It was hard and draining.. i feel like i was always giving and giving and it was being taken and taken at no consideration of my expense. Im proud of myseld because i did ALL of that and still was strong enough to push myself as well. I felt like a duplicated mother and not a girlfriend, bringing meals to his lap, asking if hes saved money, planning what we do...there wasnt much in it for me, just being taken from all the time and for the most part didnt get appreciation either.., i feel like i was the one to tell him everything, he never asked about my finances, savings together for holidays or life, even working on my website, he never asked to see, only when i completed it and showed him. My uni grades, mental state, if im eating fruit.. i get it if i was too much sometimes, but at least you had me there for you in all capacities of your life, i was truly trying to look out for you everywhere, to help everywhere, personal progress, physical health, mental health, finance, living, future plans, dates, long distance dates, calls, texts, plans when in person, fixing your forgetfulness, fixing your lateness, EVERYTHING

Im angry because if i had recieved equal and mutual support, i feel like i would have been more amazing than what ive tried already, but even now im still only dipping my toes in things, and im.imagining the feeling of being inspired by a partner, the boost in life it would give me, not having everyhting be so serious, laughing at mistakes together, taking a plunge together, and the feeling of that person trying their hardest to get themselves to a situation where they could access me easier, both of us.. even after saying you were hopeful for our future and i mentioned how id need to live close to someone, you kicked off at me and wouldnt dare consider looking outside of the city.. it hurt because i wasnt TELLING you what to do. I hoped that you would understand ina relationship you would wwnt to be close to the person.

I felt like you were just waiting for me to do everything.. i didnt feel like you were even considering the thought of living with me after my 3rd year because it would be easier for you to wait until ive figured it out and plan it. I kept thinking as soon as i finish id be the one looking for flats and trying to scramble it together so we can be close, while he sits and just lets me do 90% of the work. That vision used to make me so upset that i just wanted to grab onto any thread of feeling he would give me that he wants to live with me soon, more than a 'yes i do'.. but everytime i wanted to talk about it there came a sigh, a hastle, a tone of voice that made it sound like such a huge dent in the evening, that it was always a 'Yess YESS I GET IT' and always put off.. the time was coming really soon and i was so thinly holding onto the idea that living with me would make him see life with me differently, and it took so much for me to emotionally bear with the fact that this person could barely show an interest in any aspect of a mature life together. This person that would say they love me and truly feel connected with me and in every card would write how we would always be together.. sighed and left the conversation everytime i wanted to chat about it. I was ready to move onto the next chapter of my life with you, and while.i know you were having it rough and going through things and wanted to figure things out. I didnt see you wanting to make effort for you or me, i was in limbo on my future, i was ready to adjust and put things aside and compromise for a relationship as you should. But i was so scared of these compromises i was making at the expense of myself, for someone who wasnt making any for me.. i dont know when this started happening... i dont know if this just is your personality and i was invested in what i thought would fit for me, but it feels like all of this is because of university. That the year you left, it all went downhill, innmy eyes became severely depressed, addicted to videogames and numb to a lot of the world including me. Events happened in your life after that and it piled on top until yoi just shut off everything. I wanted to support you throigh it and im so sorry these things happened.. i know i could have dome better for you but i had to keep myself up too and i was so prepared to do that for a long while to see you get better, i was still ready until the night we split. I have spent time thinking if he finished uni would it all be different? Would he be in a job he loves? Would he have gone straight into moving out getting a car and us being happier straight away? Im confused as to if all this time i was just tryint to squeeze you into someone who would be a suitable match for me, or if you really were just having a rough time and will be happy and everything i could have wanted once you feel better and are no longer suffering?

I dont think you ever told me what you want.. i feel like from the beginning you always knew i was adventurous and a big dreamer, but you never opposed to those things or made it seem like its not the life you want, but if in fact you only dream of having a decent job, not living far from home with a few holiday a year, a small family and a homey wife then why wouldnt you make thay clear to me sooner? You never said that either so how would i know if i was pushing you too far.. even to this day i dont know what he wants.. my biggest dilemma is "hes unhappy right now and thats why he is the way he is about us, or its just the way he is and hes unhappy because im pushing my vision of us too far"

The biggest thing that hurt was the feeling of how much of a struggle it felt like to talk about living together.. thay our dream since we started dating was to be with eachoyher fulley one day.. and we got so close and i no longer felt you wanted that.. it just felt like we had been building up to this moment, part reason i came 5 hrs away from home yo uni was so i could be at one closer to you, but the uninterested tone in your voice when regards to you moving slightly out of your comfort zone to be with me hurt so weirdly like id never expect... it hurt because i keep wondering how you were going to move and live in japan for the most part of a year, but with me a bit further than your city.. its too much.. :((

[rosenbluee]

Hello world

This is my first post to post here. I am sharing this here as my safe area. So I have been able to keep my eating habits under control for a while and I am so so proud of myslef I even got myseld to loose a bit of weight. I had a relapse sadly these past of couple of days...something is just not right. I dont feel myslef at all, i relapsed to my old self destructive habits of giving myself short pleasure but a long time regretting. I binged and I masturbated. I hate that i did that. I binged out of feelings and uncontrolled emotions not hunger . I don't know why i did that. But i think my emotions are a mess right now. I feel so lonely and distant , I don't even call my mother, i don't talk much.

So this is me after doing these for two days now, not a good beginning to a year.

So i needed to share this with someone..anyone ou there. I feel so fucking lonely. I live alone already and somehow one way or another i either push people away or they go just like passerby.

Sorry for the long post to anyone reading this, i just needed to hold myself accountable and get back to myself asap. So i thought I'd start this blog for this.