#i really am okay :)

[bad0mens]

So.

(mental health rant below)

I tried and failed to take a social media break for the better part of the day because my day started with a prolonged anxiety episode where it felt like I was on fire all morning and constantly on the verge of tears and did not want to be perceived at all.

A lot of things happened today which I won't go into detail on. I was supposed to have a nice afternoon out with my sister for my birthday, but I had a breakdown and couldn't. I spent most of the afternoon sleeping with a migraine from crying. There are things about myself that I'm uncomfortable with, truths that I know are hard ingrained but I can't break. But I'm trying.

I failed my social media break because I couldn't stop checking in to socials to make sure my friends were okay, even if I wasn't interacting with them. I had to know the people I care about are okay, even if doing so was continuing to ramp up my anxiety to the breaking point. I want to help. I want to be there for people. But sometimes I feel like I can't even help myself. So what good is that? What good is my help? What good am I?

I'm feeling a little better now. Still tired, washed out and sore. That won't be changing soon. But I'll muddle through like always.

But if you're reading this, please know I'm trying my hardest for you. I have trouble with caring for myself so I do it for others.

I'm okay. I'll be okay.

[cryptidteaparty]

Personal rant under the cut, keep scrolling, I’m fine I promise.

I keep getting artand writer’s block.

It feels like my only talent is slipping.

I am fucking NOTHING without my writing and drawing.

What even am I with my creativity??? I’m just….some weirdo

And even when I draw, it’s mediocre at best, 15 years of doing art and I still can’t fucking draw hands, I can’t draw two people without a fucking base, I can’t do shading and lighting, and I still draw heads too fucking big.

I can’t believe people actually even LIKE my art!! It looks so fucking flat and childish. I fucking hate it.

I can’t even commit to doing shit for the goddamn fic and webcomic I said I would do, I keep getting distracted by literally everything.

I can feel my creativity slipping, and I fucking hate it.

[inconveniently-discorporated]

It's so bittersweet when you get back on medication and find that it actually works.

Especially if your medical journey doesn't look very pretty, and you've had medications stop working, and you've had to go on and off various kinds and sometimes the same ones over again.

It's so, so sweet when you just feel good. No brain fog, no headache, no pressure. Clarity of thought. Mental acuity, and physical function and energy to get things done.

There was a month once where I had the perfect morning routine I always wanted. I got out of bed with little resistance, I wrote, I was even dressed early enough to pick up coffee before work. Oh, that was so beautiful. It felt so good, and I was able to do it.

And therein lies the bitter taste of that kind of freedom.

I've now had enough experience before and after these brief moments of delightful capability, to definitively say fuck anybody that tries to say that things like ADHD and depression are "all in your head" and "all you need to do is try harder and focus".

It's not like I don't try. I'm so optimistic. More than that, I'm stubborn as fucking hell.

Yes -- my medication is giving me horrible side effects, or it stopped working as well, and now I have to change or go off them -- but I'm not going to let that stop me!! I'm NOT going to let it stop me, I'm going to pull out all of my cognitive tools and I'm going to fight like fucking hell to stay this way. I'm going to hold onto this feeling with a death grip and never let it go, I'm NOT going to let it stop me.

Yes -- I'm off my medication now and things are harder but I can do it, I really can. I can somehow find that spark that ignites the various receptors in my brain that allow me to do this. I'm not going to let it stop me, I'm not, I'm not god damn it.

Yes -- nothing is really working, most especially me right now, and I'm sitting here listening to music and staring blankly at my desktop because I've really hit a wall and I cannot will my hands to move, and even if I could, the thoughts are worming their way around my brain like it's a big clod of dirt. It's hard, but I can somehow make it through the muck. I shouldn't let it stop me. I can't let it stop me. I have too many things to do that I committed to when I was better, I have too many people depending on me and I don't want to let them down.

Yes -- I spent the last weekend in bed because I kept telling myself I was going to get up in five minutes, then ten minutes would pass and I wasn't ready, and by the time I got up I hadn't eaten all day so I was really exhausted. It's okay though, I've always got tomorrow, and tomorrow's going to be the day I get it back together because I won't let it stop me, I can't and I shouldn't and I'm not going to let it and I'm going to keep going. I've been failing everyone around me but I know what it's like to do better even though it's now more of a vague, abstract memory of when things were better.

Yes -- I don't actually really remember what it was like when things were better, and I can't really imagine what it's like to feel that way anymore. I question if that feeling was ever really real, and the only answer I have is: "I know it was real, I did feel that way at some point. That feeling is possible. It was possible before, I have to keep going knowing it's possible again. I can't give up, I won't."

And then you get back on something that works.

And then you wake up.

And then you realize that the thing you thought you were holding on so tightly to, isn't actually there anymore and hasn't been for a long time. You have no idea when it disappeared, only that at some point along the way it did.

I've never stopped fighting, but the fight itself changes along the way. I can fight as hard as I can, but when it comes to hitting punching bags versus hitting a wall, the results are going to be different.

And that's so disappointing. Especially when people treat it as a matter of motivation and discipline.

I can imagine a better day all I want, but at the end of the day, my brain is still a physical function of my physical body. I am so grateful for the times when the stars align and the medication works without significant side effects, but it's so disappointing to suddenly wake up one day with the feeling I've been fighting to have this entire time.

I feel good. I wish that felt better.

[gongyussy]

(✿◕‿◕) die (ꈍ ꒳ ꈍ✿)

[psipaka]

(Not failing) marriage

[catmask]

does anyone have like an anti aesthetic. like something you look at and can recognize as a complete fashion/interior design/artistic movement and understand it but it makes you shudder seeing it. i am not talking like “its morally bad” “its poorly structured” like just sheerly devoid of joy for you actually invites a repulse response.

[bacchuschucklefuck]

typical tavern scene

[taruruchi]

Okay, guys, new game

Rb and put in the tags whose handwriting yours is most similar to !!

The above pic is from @/twstassets here

[prlssprfctn]

On Jason's last birthday, he quietly confesses to his family that he is the happiest that he could ever been. That he had never expected to live for so long, to go this far, and that finally, after so many years of death hanging above his head, following him everywhere, he feels free of it. Like he has so much time ahead. Like he can plan the future now - think of college, make friends. Do something more than surviving. It is a bittersweet confession, and neither Bruce nor Alfred don't know how to answer on this, but they smile at him and reassure that he will have a long, happy life.

He dies in 254 days after that. Bruce burns down all lists with written down colleges that Jason made, while trying to figure out which one will be the best for him, and Alfred hides the Polaroid photo from that birthday inside his wallet. They never discuss it, but none of them forgets it.

They buried a boy, whose grandest wish was to live.

[egophiliac]

So.... what are your thoughts on Ace's UM, if you haven't been asked this already?

sneaky magic for the sneakiest boy

no but really, I think it fits him really well! I had thought his UM would probably involve something kinda sleight-of-handy or pickpockety! and I looooved that it made such a nice loop-around back to episode 1. ❤️ I was. kind of half-expecting him to just run out and punch Riddle in the nose again. but instead this time 'twas he who offed the queen's head! it was great! and he did it while stone-cold terrified out of his mind! because Ace is the only remotely normal or well-adjusted person at NRC and therefore the only one who is like "we're going to literally die, this is super effed up". but he did it anyway!!!! I AM SO PROUD

[crimeronan]

with the pain scale poll making the rounds on chronic illness tumblr, i DO want to add the caveat that you Generally Should Not use that scale with unfamiliar doctors.

like, if you gotta go to urgent care or the ER for something related to your illness. Do Not Use A Reasonable Scale.

on the scale i wrote, a 5 (exact middle of the scale) means, "i am actually crippled from this pain and unable to live my life normally, BUT i retained the ability to drive here and walk inside unassisted."

PEOPLE WITHOUT CHRONIC ILLNESS REPORT THAT AS A 10.

for the majority of people without chronic pain, ANY pain that's significant enough to go to urgent care counts as a 10. i've been reliably told by EMTs and paramedics and nurses that they often get answers of "11" or "700" when asked to rate between 1 and 10.

when a doctor hears you say 5, they think, "ah, so this pain is mild and not distressing. it's just a little annoying." ie: about a 2 on the scale i wrote.

always, always, ALWAYS up your estimate by 3 or 4 points when you're interacting with a new doc. you MUST communicate, "this is urgent and needs urgent attention."

assume everyone else gives a 10 when they've badly pulled a muscle in their lower back. adjust your estimate around that.

[rasoyas]

forgot to reformat my blog today but i did reach a rly happy place with dallas' lil corner of the neighborhood 🤍

dallas looking so mean while simultaneously having the biggest baby brown doe eyes in the world is my roman empire in today's ted talk i will

i’m hanging out with friends from work tonight and THEN… i’m staying up late to code my blog and respond to asks!! i haven’t been reblogging bc my blog is a mess and i wanted to figure out a code before i started this time 😵‍💫 but i will be all over your notes in a minute 🫵

[forgettable-au]

CHAPTER TWO | The Scientific Method

FORGETTABLE-AU (page 73-77)

* His brother is annoying.

[BEGINNING] [PREVIOUS] [CONTINUE]

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

A whole new meaning to Gay Chicken.

(For: Anonymous raffle winner!)

[cracklewink]

I have been wracking my brain on my mane 6 redesign for the past week. Here's my ideas for Rarity!! RD is up next >

[lmaowh-at]

Lanns n Starks lineups/costumes sketches that I will probably add other houses to. Tywin and Joff & the rest aren't here because I was lazy and Cerseis dress took all of my energy. Don't ask me about inspiration or historical basis for these