#i really am okay :)

[bad0mens]

So.

(mental health rant below)

I tried and failed to take a social media break for the better part of the day because my day started with a prolonged anxiety episode where it felt like I was on fire all morning and constantly on the verge of tears and did not want to be perceived at all.

A lot of things happened today which I won't go into detail on. I was supposed to have a nice afternoon out with my sister for my birthday, but I had a breakdown and couldn't. I spent most of the afternoon sleeping with a migraine from crying. There are things about myself that I'm uncomfortable with, truths that I know are hard ingrained but I can't break. But I'm trying.

I failed my social media break because I couldn't stop checking in to socials to make sure my friends were okay, even if I wasn't interacting with them. I had to know the people I care about are okay, even if doing so was continuing to ramp up my anxiety to the breaking point. I want to help. I want to be there for people. But sometimes I feel like I can't even help myself. So what good is that? What good is my help? What good am I?

I'm feeling a little better now. Still tired, washed out and sore. That won't be changing soon. But I'll muddle through like always.

But if you're reading this, please know I'm trying my hardest for you. I have trouble with caring for myself so I do it for others.

I'm okay. I'll be okay.

[inconveniently-discorporated]

It's so bittersweet when you get back on medication and find that it actually works.

Especially if your medical journey doesn't look very pretty, and you've had medications stop working, and you've had to go on and off various kinds and sometimes the same ones over again.

It's so, so sweet when you just feel good. No brain fog, no headache, no pressure. Clarity of thought. Mental acuity, and physical function and energy to get things done.

There was a month once where I had the perfect morning routine I always wanted. I got out of bed with little resistance, I wrote, I was even dressed early enough to pick up coffee before work. Oh, that was so beautiful. It felt so good, and I was able to do it.

And therein lies the bitter taste of that kind of freedom.

I've now had enough experience before and after these brief moments of delightful capability, to definitively say fuck anybody that tries to say that things like ADHD and depression are "all in your head" and "all you need to do is try harder and focus".

It's not like I don't try. I'm so optimistic. More than that, I'm stubborn as fucking hell.

Yes -- my medication is giving me horrible side effects, or it stopped working as well, and now I have to change or go off them -- but I'm not going to let that stop me!! I'm NOT going to let it stop me, I'm going to pull out all of my cognitive tools and I'm going to fight like fucking hell to stay this way. I'm going to hold onto this feeling with a death grip and never let it go, I'm NOT going to let it stop me.

Yes -- I'm off my medication now and things are harder but I can do it, I really can. I can somehow find that spark that ignites the various receptors in my brain that allow me to do this. I'm not going to let it stop me, I'm not, I'm not god damn it.

Yes -- nothing is really working, most especially me right now, and I'm sitting here listening to music and staring blankly at my desktop because I've really hit a wall and I cannot will my hands to move, and even if I could, the thoughts are worming their way around my brain like it's a big clod of dirt. It's hard, but I can somehow make it through the muck. I shouldn't let it stop me. I can't let it stop me. I have too many things to do that I committed to when I was better, I have too many people depending on me and I don't want to let them down.

Yes -- I spent the last weekend in bed because I kept telling myself I was going to get up in five minutes, then ten minutes would pass and I wasn't ready, and by the time I got up I hadn't eaten all day so I was really exhausted. It's okay though, I've always got tomorrow, and tomorrow's going to be the day I get it back together because I won't let it stop me, I can't and I shouldn't and I'm not going to let it and I'm going to keep going. I've been failing everyone around me but I know what it's like to do better even though it's now more of a vague, abstract memory of when things were better.

Yes -- I don't actually really remember what it was like when things were better, and I can't really imagine what it's like to feel that way anymore. I question if that feeling was ever really real, and the only answer I have is: "I know it was real, I did feel that way at some point. That feeling is possible. It was possible before, I have to keep going knowing it's possible again. I can't give up, I won't."

And then you get back on something that works.

And then you wake up.

And then you realize that the thing you thought you were holding on so tightly to, isn't actually there anymore and hasn't been for a long time. You have no idea when it disappeared, only that at some point along the way it did.

I've never stopped fighting, but the fight itself changes along the way. I can fight as hard as I can, but when it comes to hitting punching bags versus hitting a wall, the results are going to be different.

And that's so disappointing. Especially when people treat it as a matter of motivation and discipline.

I can imagine a better day all I want, but at the end of the day, my brain is still a physical function of my physical body. I am so grateful for the times when the stars align and the medication works without significant side effects, but it's so disappointing to suddenly wake up one day with the feeling I've been fighting to have this entire time.

I feel good. I wish that felt better.

[kensatou]

(✿◕‿◕) die (ꈍ ꒳ ꈍ✿)

[catmask]

does anyone have like an anti aesthetic. like something you look at and can recognize as a complete fashion/interior design/artistic movement and understand it but it makes you shudder seeing it. i am not talking like “its morally bad” “its poorly structured” like just sheerly devoid of joy for you actually invites a repulse response.

[memoonthemove]

Are you alright?! There are rumors that one of the council's guard was killed by a slayer, but the slayer was injured. Was it you, joonam? I tried to call you through the ether but you did not answer. Please tell me you are okay.

Ha, they're really saying it was just one? It was more than one.

But no, I'm okay. It was barely a scratch, I promise. Sorry I didn't answer, I was trying to shake a straggler from the warehouse and needed to focus. I'll call you tonight. ❤️

[bacchuschucklefuck]

typical tavern scene

[psipaka]

(Not failing) marriage

[slowtovvn]

I'm fine so don't anyone go snitching on me

[cracklewink]

I have been wracking my brain on my mane 6 redesign for the past week. Here's my ideas for Rarity!! RD is up next >

[forgettable-au]

CHAPTER TWO | The Scientific Method

FORGETTABLE-AU (page 73-77)

* His brother is annoying.

[BEGINNING] [PREVIOUS] [CONTINUE]

[lmaowh-at]

Lanns n Starks lineups/costumes sketches that I will probably add other houses to. Tywin and Joff & the rest aren't here because I was lazy and Cerseis dress took all of my energy. Don't ask me about inspiration or historical basis for these

[deathricedrawn]

i'm ready to try

[xitsensunmoon]

My first ever comic con! And first cosplay too. Of course it's gonna be my boy :] Ramblings about the process are under the cut(Let me know if?? You would want me to elaborate with process images for any of the steps?)

The costume took me forever to make, as I've never done any machine sewing, sculpting, fabric dying or spray painting before but learning all of these was so fucking fun!! I never realised just how many different skills go into making a cosplay but it was so worth it!!!

Almost all of the clothes(except the hat) were purchased first as bases, but all of the detailing was added by me. All of the fabric used was originally just scraps that I was given for free so I needed to learn how to dye and dye all of the stars, they were originally white.

The sewing machine was its own beast that brought me tons of frustration from the lack of skill and knowledge (it was devastating to find out that 95% of fuck ups were my fault and not the machine's lmao). But as a result, a hat sewn from scratch, all of the fur trims, embroidery on the corset, stars and the collar(which is very hard to see on the pictures unfortunately) was all added manually. The stars and the stripes(on the back of the cape) were attached using heat-and-bond adhesive (I WISH I knew about such thing just when I started working on this. It would save me so much time and nerves.)

Then I found out about polymorph(mouldable plastic) and it has become the next thing I wanted to learn, to sculpt the claws and the fangs(yes, they're handmade jfksjs). The claws I then primed and painted in trillion coats because I wasn't satisfied with the colour of the spray paint. The fangs I moulded to my own teeth and then stained with tea to match the colour of my teeth :)c

As for makeup, I used Mehron Paradise water activated paints. At first I wanted to try to save money and bought myself Snazaroo instead, which unfortunately turned out to be a waste. Snazaroo didn't hold on my face for longer than 2 hours, cracking and peeling awfully. Mehron on the other hand survived 11 hours of me smiling, talking, emoting and such and didn't even crease at the smile lines(I'm actually shocked about that). It obviously works like any other makeup which means your skin texture and wrinkles won't go anywhere but Mehron's elasticity pleasantly surprised me. It did obviously smear from sweat and saliva(if you're eating and licking your lips) but if you don't touch the skin it just dries again, self setting. But if it's dry it's fully smear-proof. Highly recommend!

And last but not least, I've decided against painting my hands as it was very risky that I will stain everything I touch at the smallest hint of sweat. So instead I got myself gloves-tights(? Not sure how they're called but it's made from the same fabric as tights) and painted them with normal acrylic paint(did you know you could dye fabric with acrylic paint? I personally didn't), then heat set with an iron and voilà, they're reusable, my hands are not stained after an exhausting day and I don't stain everything I touch. It worked wonderfully which honestly was a surprise as I was really sceptical that acrylic paint will somehow stay in place.

I think this whole thing took me minimum of 6 months with big-big breaks for my school and life in general. But I'm really proud! This project taught me so many new skills and I couldn't have been happier about learning new knowledge, even if it sucked to fail in the meantime.

Everyone at the con was really nice and gave me a large confidence boost even tho it was my first time and I had no idea what I was doing. Taking photos with other people was really awkward/new for me as I hate cameras so I really had no idea how to pose/behave in front of one. But that's okay I think. This whole experience definitely made me want to do this again, so I think that will come with experience. Thank you for reading this far, hope you enjoyed this little summary :)

[vaguely-concerned]

the more I play the more I think lucanis basically knows it's illario who betrayed him right from the beginning (he's had a year in the ossuary to think. not that many people knew where he was going. when you ask him 'did Illario know you'd be on that ship' his only answer is the hardest flattest 'yes' you ever heard). so it's not so much about figuring out who the traitor is (because that's ludicrous. we all know. immediately. they didn't really bother to hide it lmao) as about methodically closing off every single avenue of denial lucanis has clung to that whole time with as much or little gentleness as you might prefer until he has no choice but to admit it. because the moment he has to admit it, he'll have to do something -- feel something -- about it. and that's such a catastrophic event in lucanis' inner landscape (he has had TWO people in this whole entire world up until now and will do anything to hold on to them with a heartbreaking child-like desperation, even at and especially through the detriment of his own self) that he'd rather just. not. what if we quite simply. didn't. what if we just stayed here in the emptiness where we can both pretend you didn't hurt me in a way I should never forgive. I have so much practice in that with caterina already it's always worked out great for everyone so far. (press x to fucking doubt but that's trauma logic for you lol)

after everything illario did, so much of the storm of lucanis' emotions around it is 'what the FUCK did you get yourself tangled up in this time and how do I get you out of this mess safely'. what's worse: the fact that your brother murdered you, or that he put himself in horrible danger doing so and thus exposed you to the risk of losing him forever. lucanis' heart certainly has an opinion here and it's fucking unhinged (affectionate)

the themes of dissociation in lucanis' character in general makes me feel nuts. allllll these contradictory messy things he needs to cut off from each other because they can't coexist or be easily reconciled inside him. but all remain stubbornly true separately anyway and will have their due one day. love and resentment. tenderness and fear and rage. terror and longing. love and freedom don't coexist. the burned out golden child anthem is playing in the background. he was always caterina's favourite and he has to keep striving to deserve that dubious honour with every breath he takes and then, presumably, mercifully, some day he will die and be excused and can rest. and until now he's suppressed all the -- natural, healthy, protective! -- negative feelings that threaten the few attachment relationships he actually has, at the cost of ever actually having his needs for connection and safety met and leaving his core self imprisoned and compromised. and spite goes 'what. no. that's dumb fuck that' (*spite voice* I do not understand that and even if I did I would not respect it) and does not allow him to fall back into that, which I think is what saves his life, ultimately. it took being possessed by a demon for lucanis to even contemplate telling anyone he loves 'no' in any way, but hey. whatever gets you there right lol

lucanis is dealing with the freeze response allll the way down baby. and he was even before the ossuary, that just turbo powered it and brought it to a breaking point way before it could happen naturally. but something was going to break eventually no matter what, and I'm just glad that in the end, through the power of friendship and also pure spite, it doesn't have to be him

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Flower Empowered.

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[wilsonmybeloved]

ive literally never interacted with the rats smp ever besides like once

but ren and martyn exist. and a lot of my other favorite creators. so we're going headfirst into rat yaoi. raoi, if you will. ratataoi?? ratatouille yaoi? ...ill work on it