#i realized how much the internet has honestly traumatized me

[khaire-traveler]

Hey, y'all, this is just your friendly reminder that other people on the Internet are, in fact, people.

We are not just faceless usernames or silly little profile pictures; we are human beings with human emotions and human lives outside of the internet sphere. We all have problems and issues that are never shared in our online lives. We all have things we are coping and dealing with. We all have complex emotions and complicated relationships and situations with others that we're struggling with.

The person you're about to send anonymous hate or say mean things to is still a person, just as you are yourself. The words you say may have a lasting impact on this person, so before you call them a mean name or try tearing them down, please take a moment to consider if it's actually that big of a deal, if it's actually that worth it to you to potentially leave a lasting - and very negative - impact on another person's life due to whatever situation happened online.

As a reminder, you know nothing of this person, aside from the things you've been told, either by the person themselves or by others. You most likely will never meet them in-person and get the opportunity to look them in the eyes as you speak to them. Would you look them in the eyes and say the same words you are about to share? Because it's so easy to see a cute little crow profile picture or a silly little drawing and dehumanize that person in your mind, associating the picture with the name and subconsciously believing that they are not a human being with emotions, such as yourself. It's so incredibly easy for us to do that, but frankly, it's not right. That profile picture still has a human being sitting behind it at the computer or on their phone. There is a real person behind that account.

Let's all be a little nicer to each other in online spaces, please, and stop attacking each other so viciously. We are not starving jackals, tearing and ripping into each other ruthlessly for any sort of scrap of meat we can find, so let's stop acting like them and treat each other more humanely.

[elen-tari2]

Finally got around to rewatching episode 4 of TPs2 and I just have to vent about my next complaint about how the writers handled the Frank and Amy relationship. (My first complaint being about the scene where Frank ties her to a motel bed and tapes her mouth shut while he takes a nap, but never once tells her he has absolutely no intention of SA’ing her)

Look, I know a lot of people dislike Amy because she’s such an over the top, angsty, tough teen trope, but I give her a pass on most of her plot-forced obnoxiousness. But I just can’t let Frank off the hook.

You’re telling me Frank Castle heard a kid crying from whatever horrible experience traumatized her and he just… turned up the volume on a hockey game?

SHAME. WRITER SHAME. SHAAAAAME.

Literally. What. The. F *CK?

This scene was done all wrong. Frank is an asshole but he protects innocent people from getting hurt. In that moment, the bratty teen is alone, dropping her tough girl act, and hurting. For all that she is a little shit, he has already —willing or unwillingly—decided to protect her, even if he doesn’t care that much about her. But the moment she’s breaking down, he would care enough to at least check on her.

He doesn’t even have to say much of anything. Amy has locked herself in Madani’s bedroom, so he can’t go in. But he would go sit with his back against the door and just be like, “hey, kid. You okay?”

The result could have been a much softer scene with Frank listening from outside the room and Amy talking to him from her hiding place until she feels safe enough to go unlock the door or maybe just try sleeping IN the bed instead of under it.

Instead what we got was a weirdly broken up scene where eventually I guess Amy is sleeping so Frank locks her in and goes to visit Curtis and it’s only upon his return that Amy realizes she was locked in at all and freaks out? So she is panicking and berating him to never do that again to her because it was also traumatizing to feel trapped like that. Not okay, Frank. So instead they finally talk about what happened to Amy but she’s still on the defensive, and Frank is pretty aggressive with his questioning about Fiona’s gang.

Then we get the sharing of their truths broken up even more, as Frank goes to take a shower and Amy leaves and goes to a computer store to google Frank Castle’s name. (I guess that was a clever way to use the Internet but it feels totally random. Or like, go to a library or something??)

Then she comes back and is like oh wow they killed your whole family. We don’t even get shown Frank’s reaction to coming out of the shower and thinking the kid ran off. Did he care? Or was he just like ::shrug:: not my problem anymore I guess? Just risked my life for this kid but I was such a jerk, she didn’t want my help, oh well?

It just seemed unnecessary to make the conversation where she talks about what she survived and tells Frank her real name chopped up into different parts throughout the episode. There was a chance for her to be vulnerable and realize she was safe around Frank no matter what, and they missed it. She could still be a smart alec, just she would also know he wouldn’t be dismissive of the horrible murders she witnessed and how scary that would be for a young person.

Think about how supportive Frank was to the small town police force in episode 3? He is respectful, encouraging, and knows they’re in over their heads but it’s not their fault. It’s not Amy’s fault she got in over her head and she needed some f*cking comfort and reassurance, when she was CRYING. I’m not saying he’d have hugged her or told her everything would be ok. But he would be a good listener and know she didn’t deserve to go through it.

Honestly having a tiny moment like that and THEN getting into stuff like her pulling card tricks on Frank would have been much better. They’d be back to their banter, but be starting to build towards that found family feeling, like we see over the rest of the show.

Ug, this is making me want to write a fan fic fixit for that episode. But I’m just putting this out there for future Punisher writers— Get. It. Right. Next. Time.

Clear your female characters treatment with female viewers. I’m serious. You have the potential to be writing GREAT stories, but missteps like this where Frank is uncaring in the face of an innocent (if annoying) child’s suffering is a no. Just no.

[just-a-carrot]

Carrot, please don't feel bad about your age! You're not that old, honestly, I never understood why people think that anything after 20s is immediately "old". Like you still have so much life ahead of you! Most people in their 20s are still barely figuring life out, tbh I feel like 30s is the age when most people just start becoming maturing (and then again, almost everyone at every age is still figuring something out, we never stop growing after all). And even if you are "old" there's nothing wrong with that! It's not like you're supposed to stop enjoying life once you hit a certain age. I know this probably means nothing coming from a minor, but I genuinely don't understand the obsession with age! Your life isn't over until it's over, yet some people act like hitting a certain age means you have to be miserable.

Also, I don't know if I ever told you this, but this is one of the reasons I love Our Wonderland, and why it had such an impact on me. I used to be very scared of growing up, feeling like I was on a time limit and that the older I got, the less fun I would be allowed to have. But seeing these fully adult characters who are struggling, and still figuring things out, and most of all having time to themselves and their interests: it really opened my eyes! I thought by that age I should have everything figured out, like how I thought most people did, but OW made me realize that's not the case. The truth is everyone is still figuring things out, and that's okay! At the end of the day, we're still human, and we all need time to ourselves.

So thank you, Carrot! You helped me conquer a fear of mine, and I'm really grateful to you for that. Your work has honestly inspired me so much in so many different ways, and I want you to know that! Anyways, I hope you have a good day. Bye!

that's incredibly kind of you... 🥺💕

honestly a big reason why I wanted to make the OW chars older is because of that exact reason: because I didn't figure out so much about myself until I got older, and to have a story about that, that it's ok to keep discovering more about yourself later on in life, and also it can be really hard at times too. like... going through so much of your life wondering why things are so difficult and why you never feel right because you had to figure everything out for yourself. like I didn't figure out I was ace until a horrifically traumatizing and confusing event in my life that I vented about once in an anon fandom forum and another anon told me it sounded like I was ace and I didn't even know the term and then spent the next weeks in existential crisis as I came to understand myself better. If I had known I was ace before that event, it might never have happened (or might still have, who knows) or at the very least I would have grown up not feeling so broken for much of my life. And that's not getting into the gender stuff that came even later that I was bullied for as a kid. It's hard when you have zero knowledge or role models or safe places to go about these types of things growing up... The internet was not like it is now when I was growing up. And there wasn't a single person out in my school growing up (but I know of many that came out years later including one of my best friends). But that doesn't mean you can't figure yourself out later and reclaim some of that joy for yourself of knowing better who you are

this became really rambly but I just wanted to say that I'm glad that everyone can enjoy these chars and their stories despite them being older. And I hope they (and even myself a bit) can be inspiration that indeed, life, fun, your passions and hobbies, none of that ends when you finish school or when you turn 30. keep on doing what you love always and keep on learning and discovering more about yourself!!

[alyssasmaddworld]

there's this level of dissociation that goes hand in hand with daydreaming and i feel like it's something i wouldn't know how to begin explaining to somebody who's anti-endo.

maladaptive daydreaming is not inherently caused by trauma. it's considered something you use to cope with it. but for a LOT of people, and as confirmed in multiple studies, it is a dissociative disorder. there's even a level of plurality with it.

you have these people in your head, and you cant destroy them. a lot of them can feel like REAL people. you create worlds, plot lines, and you connect with these characters in a way where they slowly become their own being. their own person. how is this ANY different from being plural?

the answer is: it's really not. if you view plural as synonymous with systemhood then maybe i can see why you'd have a problem with the phrasing, but based off of the actual definitions of plural, maladaptive daydreaming fits the criteria.

the next issue that people tend to have with maladaptive daydreaming being considered plural is that maladaptive daydreaming isn't its own disorder. but something doesnt need to be a disorder for it to be significant in the mental health industry.

a common "rebuttle" of endogenic systems is that they "appropriate" other cultures, but what most people making this argument fail to realize is that, this is HOW culture works. western culture is actively affected by the cultures of other areas. do you genuinely believe that theres not a single Buddhist in america practicing tulpulmacy? that this is SOLELY a non-western phenomenon? then why is "traditional traumagenic" mentioned at all, and not JUST traumagenic?

but there are articles that talk about the importance of listening to the internet, and the words they've cultivated. something i've been told is irrelevant because "an endo made that word" IS BEING heard by therapists all across the globe, not just in america.

"the reader is reminded that culture is dynamic rather than static, meaning that just as our understanding of the online community is different today than it was twenty years ago, this will continue to shift and evolve into the future as well"

things CHANGE. research ADVANCES. and with that, we also know that maladaptive daydreaming is BEYOND VALID on the dissociative spectrum. it has ALWAYS been there, it just wasn't considered a disordered behavior before the 2000s.

on top of this, there's a study that further affirms it's place in the endogenic sphere specifically.

despite this, her brain scans showed "great activity in the ventral striatum, the part of the brain that lights up when an alcoholic is shown images of a martini. Frankly it was super strong"

this means she isn't just mind wandering. mind wandering is what people THINK daydreaming is.

"Mind wandering refers to the occurrence of thoughts that are not tied to the immediate environment—thoughts that are not related to a given task at hand"

mind wandering lights up the Default Mode Network side of the brain, the DMN. the DMN controls Autobiographical information, Memories of collection of events and facts about one's self, Self-reference, Referring to traits and descriptions of one's self.

maladaptive daydreaming has its own dissociative absorption, and it affects the brain differently than mind wandering. it's a proper form of dissociation.

and..would you look at that?? spiritual practices are mentioned. i wonder which endogenic system that reminds me of! (much love to sophie!). it's just further credence towards the fact that non-traumatic systems can exist. why else would maladaptive be on the spectrum, honestly?

trauma doesn't CAUSE maladaptive daydreaming. trauma doesnt cause dissociative absorption. they are ALL coping mechanisms as a way to deal with whatever trauma may be going on-- or it can literally be a choice in the sense that you can actively choose to get absorbed into a book, or how you choose to maladaptive daydream. you can let it interfere with your life and become debilitating and disordered (because sometimes people dont WANT to change) but this doesnt mean it's traumatic.

with all this being said, how is this not a valid presentation of plurality?

[merp0515]

Healing Past Scars Ch.2 Falling inside a visible hole

Summary: After the dealing with so many traumatic incidents, our beloved meme guardain boys have to come into terms with both past and present scars. Will they be able to conquer them with an iron fist or will those same wounds destroy them both?

Tags: Suicidal Thoughts,PTSD, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Healing , Developing Relationship

TW: The following story contains dark themes such as PTSD, and disturbing imagery.

Link to chapter 1's Tumblr version is here , Ao3 link is here and Wattpad link is here!

How many times must I carry on this living nightmare? It's been almost a year since Peach's Castle disappeared into the creepy hole. So much has changed ever since then. From finding the showgrounds, to getting a new castle, and me finally getting my own home/coffee shop. Although with new positives from everything..... there's bound to be some negatives that came with it.

The fact that we all got kidnapped from our train ride to the wild West and be stuck in a simulation for weeks!

My notebook getting stolen thanks to a certain avatar of ours. Thankfully I was able to get it back. Gave my ass a heart attack!

My new home being at risk of shutting down for good. I kinda anticipated that having this shop would be a blessing and curse. 

And to think just THREE MONTHS ago, we had to deal with a C class clown looking ass excuse of a so-called “villain”. The TV head may of had a catchy villain song, and was intimidating at first….In the end, I'm just so done dealing with everything going on.I never would have thought that it'd get this bad to the point where I may have to go back to the Internet Graveyard and leave them all behind. 

Leaving the crew behind.

Leaving HIM behind.

I shook my head as I felt my face heat up a bit from that though as I stretched my body, put on my pajamas and got comfortable in my big bed.

I closed my eyes, trying to relax and ignoring the dreadful reality that was sinking into my mind faster than I anticipated.

Lights flickered as I woke up sitting in an empty room. I looked around, seeing a board that had lessons of some sort. Inspecting closer made me realize that I was in Evil therapy. I stood up quickly. All of my gut instincts are kicking in as I try to see who I'd end up fighting.

I heard footsteps creeping up behind me. I quickly turned to that direction and raised an eyebrow confused.

"Egg man?" I asked, clearly confused about everything. "What are you doing here?"

The egg shaped villain stared at me silently. A huge frown formed in his face as he approached me.

"I'm honestly disappointed in you." He spoke with disappointment in his eyes.

I was baffled at that statement. Who the hell do you think you are telling me I'm anything BUT a villain?!

"I'm not entirely sure if you heard me last time, but I thought I made it VERY clear that pain and suffering IS my way of being evil to others!" I angrily glared at him.

All of a sudden the room around me started to change. Panic started to invade my body, unsure of what to do as I watched the other villain standing next to me unfazed by everything.

I opened my eyes to see the old castle in its original state. I felt my stomach turn, remembering what happened during THAT incident. I turned around for a second to see that the egg face villain I talked to was gone. Only this time it was replaced with someone I'm ALL too familiar with.

It was MY original version. The dark blue Mario Reskin. He faced me with such coldness. His eyes weren't in the classic blue eyes but instead a more yellow looking color with some dark veins all over his body.

"How could you let us stoop to HIS level?" The other me said with such hatred.

"I…..I….I just wanted to change the way I do things. I have more on my plate now and I can't always come up with evil schemes to destroy people in the way I once was able to." I told him, glaring back at the reskin.

"Excuses." The other me said. "Do you not realize the golden opportunity we have now that we are closer to my idiot rival and his crew?"

"That's EX rival to you."I growled not liking how he used the term against my meme guardian partner. We both looked back at what it once was, seeing old memories of myself constantly trying to ruin SMG4's plans.

"Ever since finding out about the meme guardian powers we have changed." He crosses his arms rewatching the memories as if it was a lost tape that got recently found. "Do you not realize how much more powerful you can become with those said powers?"

The scenario changed once more and we were on the third floor of the old castle. I could feel my heart quicken as it sank remembering how I nearly got possessed by that creepy keyboard. From a distance, I saw a familiar face with his back turned and into that scary state. Looked like absolute shit, and pink like veins were all over his body. The echoes of the keyboard could be heard in the eldritch gope infested room.

"S-SMG4!" I shouted, immediately running to his side leaving my doppelganger behind. I swear I could feel his sinister grin creep up as I tried to get Four off the chair he was glued in.

My former rival couldn't hear me call out to him out of desperation to get him off that damn chair. As I was about to grab onto him, a strong force held me down. I looked around me for a moment to see that I was wrapped in that same gope that almost tried to kill Meggy, Mario and myself when we were trying to save Four from his possession.

"Fuck." I cursed under my breath trying to break free from its harsh grasp. I look up to see the old me next to my possessed guardian partner enjoying the view he was getting. I grit my teeth trying ever so desperately to get away from the disgusting gope currently wrapped around my body.

My former self was smiling wickedly at my misery. I was ready to shout at Four when I suddenly heard the keyboard sound stop suddenly and watched him get up from his seat. His back still turned as the gope pushed me towards him.

"Why were you so desperate to be saved that day?" SMG4 began. "When will you ever learn that saving me was a mistake?" Four spoke emotionlessly.

I felt a lump in my throat when he said that. "W-what do you mean? We're friends, remember?", I told him with a gleam of hope in my voice.

I heard Four laughing darkly at that thought. My heart sank hearing him laugh so darkly like that.

"Friends? So you want to talk about being FRIENDS with me huh?" He turns around still in that same state, his eyes filled with pure hatred.

"All you ever wanted to do was to see my downfall, steal my channel, steal my friends, and KILL ME!" His voice rises with each statement. I tried to back away from him only for SMG4 to grab my overall strap and pin me to the gope. I was trapped in between the two, fearing for my life. I was breathing heavily seeing how up close his lifeless eyes were staring into mine.

"You were always jealous of my work, how people PRAISED me more than you. Don't you even think that I had forgotten when we TRIED to save Melony during the god box incident all you ever wanted was the unlimited power the god box possessed!" His voice shakes with such anger and tightens the grip on my overalls.

"I-I know! But after hearing everything that happened with Zero and losing Terrence to save OUR world I-" my sentence was cut short as I heard Four growling at my explanation pushing me further into the gope.

"You? Save the world?! DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAP SUPER MEME GUARDIAN THREE! THE ONLY THING YOU WERE READY FOR IS FOR IT DIE AND YOU BECOME THE NEXT RULER!" Four shouted at me and threw me away from the gope. I felt myself flying as if I was falling to my own death. That was until I felt someone grab my leg stopping me from going further.

I looked up to see that we were replaying that scene again. Four hanging on to that cliff as he was torn between the USB that we use to work on his ultimate video and me currently being on the edge of death.

"F-Four what are you thinking?" I nervously responded seeing the other male debating on what to say. I could hear his breath quicken the more USB was going to drop to its demise.

"We can make another! Remember what I-AHHHH!" I screamed in pain, feeling my leg getting its life squeezed out. I looked up horrified, seeing SMG4 in his current state but with anti meme energy inflicted on his entire body. His yellow eyes were staring at my very soul, sending a chill down my spine. A wicked sinister grin spreads across his face.

"Long……Live……The King." He coldly said as he let go of my leg. I saw him get the USB and jumped upwards to safety as I fell into my death with tears in my eyes as I screamed into the abyss.

I jolted up from my bed covered in sweat, accidentally falling to the floor. I held onto my chest trying very hard not to hyperventilate from what I just dreamt about. I feel something fluffy tickle my face. I looked to my left seeing my son eggdog, he whines worried about me. I sat myself up and let my little boy crawl to my lap. I could still feel myself on edge with everything and at this point I didn't care anymore. Hugging the only child I had left tightly, I let all my tears run wild as this dark rainy night haunts me from a memory I wished never existed. When I fully calm down from this meltdown I'll be sure to write this down in my journal. I….I just want to live a carefree life with my son. Is that too much to ask for?

[brokenmachinemusings]

tw suicide talk i guess. rare moment where i actually talk about whats going on in my brain. nothing serious this is mostly kept as casual writing.

honestly the only reasons im even alive rn are 1. hoping for a liberation in this world & that everyone is free, wish to possibly live until then (and. hopefully helping w a small change in the world.) 2. mass of the fermenting dregs concert in march (the bigger reason i havent offed myself tbh) (i forgot about this and then got reminded of it and it was just around when i was contemplating how to die. then once i remembered im now in the mindset of I Must Get It Over With This Month At Least.)

erm. when i was younger i had the whole “i have to live until 18!!!!” shtick which was also part of why i didnt kill myself back then. i dont believe in that anymore especially because i am approaching 18 but. food for thought? i guess???? this is the type of joke i would crack and people just stare at me like they saw a ghost. maybe i am a ghost.

this topic is. Really casual to me (in the context of myself) and im not sure if its because. im mentally ill. im a system. simply that i hate this world and dont want to live in it. something else. all of the above. or whatever. eh

part of me wants to drop out already and just rot away but at the same time i know thats just a traumatized part☝️ i know what u are. he has been trying to sabotage us for years and hes actyally cool just that. persecutor shit can rly fuck with ur psyche. also gets us lagging behind on our schoolwork. sighs.

that said there has also been a lot of persecutors fronting lately. or persecutor-adjacent parts? not sure. whatever. not like it matters much. ill shut up now im just trying to digest my thoughts and emotions. been “numb-crying” recently which is a really weird thing to experience. (basically when u start crying because of emotions but its not proper crying more like something leaking out. like a faucet that is damaged. and u dont feel anything either. except the overwhelming vortex of ur mind. and a burning tear on ur face or two. maybe not even realizing ur crying until later on. which might just be emotional amnesia.) ya know

im also wondering if this is Too Much to share with the internet, or well Tumblr Dot Com but. i didnt share anything dangerous per se and nothing that triggers me so i should be fine🤔 just saying if someone responds to this with “kys” ill just laugh in your face and block you or something. lolza. ok bye 4 now

[unearthlydream]

((this is a long personal rambling feel free to scroll past lmao))

growing up chronically online meant most of my friends were distant people i didn't really know. as we got older we'd discard our fake names and backstories and share our actual life with each other. it was so wonderful to get to know a new version of a person who i already loved once we got so comfortable.

i had one friend in particular who i'll never forget. there are so many-- but d... d and I hurt each other immensely. we were both so traumatized and so broken and desperately trying to glue each others pieces back together, sometimes not even caring if they went into the right spot. as long as it wasn't broken anymore... that's all we cared about. there was so much love and, at the end, so much emotion and turmoil that we ended up never speaking again. as we got older our coping mechanisms became more complex and it just got complicated. i don't blame d for growing apart, even if i did at the time (but i was 14 and fuckin stupid. i couldn't see past my own crafted universe of "how things are supposed to be")

one thing that always troubled me was the constant state of not knowing whether d succumbed to the suicidal ideations. they blocked me on all known profiles and essentially disappeared. i always hoped and dreamed that they found happiness somehow-- that some of the plans we made for our lives would actually come together-- but not knowing has always left me with a haunted feeling whenever i thought of them.

as i scrolled through my archive i found my 2nd oldest account -- the blog where we linked to each others pages just so everyone would know we were best friends. it's been years since i saw the page and i honestly thought the blog had been wiped-- but the reality is that it's just been so long that i forgot the exact URL (back in the day when people hoarded URLs and you had to have a weird variation on something or nothing at all).

as i had done so many times as a teenager, i clicked on my "dee" tag. expecting to find nothing but an empty blog that hadn't been touched since 2011. but this time... i think they were there. the hyperlink worked and I was taken to a blog with a beautiful theme (as d always had), a silly and scrappy bio, and over 4K pages of content going all the way back to 2016. i even saw their name. their real name. the name their shitty mother gave them and that they always hated-- the name that actually inspired them to create a fake name (not just a fear of being abducted, like me lol love 2008 internet safety).

it seems so much like them. they seem so happy. i don't even see a trace of the child who i desperately texted waiting for a response to be sure they didn't drown themselves in the creek behind their house. the child who i loved so much it drove me to harm. the child who, whether they realize it or not, helped shape me into the person i am today.

but because of the time and the distance... because of the fiery way our friendship ended... i can't be sure. i want so badly for it to be them. i've thought for so long that maybe they lost their battle and that i'd never see them smile again or talk with them about werewolves or listen to their stories about their grandparents that loved them so much. but now there is a little hope. and i'm going to hang onto that.

i just wish... i wish i could reach out. it's been so long that i would hope their hate faded. that they could reflect on the simple things that tore us apart, and that they might even be happy to hear from me. to know that i won my battle too and that i'm finally happy.

it hurts to not know. but it would probably hurt more to reach out and hear nothing-- or to reach out just to realize that this person with their blog isn't actually them, but someone who took their URL after they deleted their presence from my life.

god i haven't written anything this long on tumblr since..... ever? lmao but i'm just sitting at work simultaneously aching over these memories and shining over the fact that they might still be breathing. that they're living the life that i always dreamed and hoped that they would. and god-- if it is you, d, you turned into a beautiful person. not that i ever had any doubts.

[paradisetemporarilymisplaced]

So I was being a basic bitch the other day and listening to my true crime podcasts when it occurred to me just how suspicious Nile’s “death” would look to everyone not in the Guard, leading me to a train of thought that, 2200 words later, absolutely got away from me but I can’t let go so I’m inflicting it on all of you!

To set the stage, we know the movie takes place over approximately a week. Here’s what happens to Nile from the military’s point of view:

She dies is very seriously injured

She heals without a scratch

Just before she’s supposed to be shipped out to Germany, she vanishes, leaving two men concussed (and presumably reporting being knocked out by a woman with short hair wearing civilian clothes)

She goes AWOL for several days

They get word from the CIA that she is to be reported killed in action (details unclear)

So, at the beginning of this very weird week, the USMC has to tell Nile’s family of her death critical injury. What her family was told depends on how long she was dead – a Google search tells me that family will be notified in person within 8 hours of a soldier’s death, but we don’t know how long her first death lasted. For an injury, however, they’d get a phone call to notify them and the unit would arrange for them to visit as soon as the soldier is transferred out of a combat zone. Like I remember when I was in high school, a guy from my church who was a Marine was really seriously injured in a helicopter crash in Iraq and from what I could tell, his parents were told immediately and were flown out to Germany to see him, so it stands to reason that Nile’s family would have been informed relatively quickly after her throat was slashed, one way or another.

And then, she goes AWOL. Her family would be notified while the USMC tried to figure out where she went, not least because the military would want to know if she’s contacted them. (And it’s possible that her family may have been on the way to Germany to see her since we know that’s where she was supposed to go!) So for several days:

Nile’s mom and brother have no idea where she is

They know she was seriously injured and most certainly should not have been moving around on her own

They can’t get a hold of her

The military can’t tell them anything

And the next thing they know for sure is that she was “killed in action.” After being injured and vanishing into thin air. And they presumably cannot produce her body or any concrete evidence of her death. In any case, something sketchy is going on, so they’re like. SMELLS LIKE A MILITARY COVERUP.

In a surprise to probably no one, there is a well-documented legacy of mysterious US military deaths, particularly of women of color (TW for sexual assault in these links). The cases of LaVena Johnson and Vanessa Guillenin particular have made national news because of their families’ persistence in seeking justice. Likewise, Nile is a Black woman, and her mom and brother are most certainly hypercognizant of (a) state violence against Black people and (b) these high-profile cases of suspicious military deaths. So her family are seriously side-eyeing the situation, knowing that (a) the military has a serious incentive (and a documented history) of covering up things that make them look bad and (b) nothing about Nile’s disappearance and supposed death are adding up.

And Andy’s right. Nile does come from warriors. And you know who else does? Her brother.

Don’t get me wrong. Nile’s mom would absolutely not back down. She’d know something was up and want to get to the bottom of it. But based on what I know about Gen X parents (mine), they’re not the most technologically savvy. Like they can use the internet, but they didn’t grow up with it the way we young millennials and Gen Z did. So Nile’s brother takes the lead. And what do zillennials do best?

Social media.

Nile’s brother starts going hard on any site he can, trying to get the word out to see if anyone knows what happened to his sister. He starts a Reddit thread. He starts a Facebook group. He reaches out to the media and true crime bloggers and podcasters à la Sarah Turney, getting loud and being a general nuisance in hopes of getting some answers. He gets his friends and Nile’s friends involved. Maybe eventually Dizzy, Jay, and others from Nile’s unit hear about it and reach out, telling him what they saw and how weird it all was. He’s drumming up interest, and soon “Nile Freeman” becomes a household name (at least among the true crime fans).

Copley is, of course, trying his best, but at this point there is just so much that it’s impossible for him to scrub everything. Sure, he can erase new footage of Nile and the Guard, but what can he do about Reddit threads and podcast episodes that are speculating something weird has happened? Maybe he could hack the sites and shut those things down, but honestly, that’s the last thing he’d want to do, because that only adds weight to the theory that Nile’s disappearance is a military coverup. So eventually he has to tell Andy what’s going on.

Andy, obviously, does not take the news well. However, she is also completely computer illiterate, because that’s Booker’s job and he’s the only one who ever bothered to learn what the internet is in any meaningful way. (She probably calls Booker for advice, and for the record, I think Booker would have no qualms about shutting down conspiracy threads, tinhats be damned, but Copley is too concerned about the consequences. He’s ex-CIA for crying out loud, he knows how it’ll look if they scrub every mention of Nile’s name from the internet.) Maybe she confers with Joe and Nicky but, let’s be honest, they’d be equally unhelpful. So at this point, she knows they have to bring in Nile.

But the thing about Nile is that she, too, knows how to use the internet (duh). Aside from her being a young millennial/digital native, we know from the cave scene where she’s giving Booker suggestions on how to track Copley that she clearly is even more computer savvy than the average person. And for that reason she almost definitely took over the day-to-day tech stuff after Booker’s exile. So I think it would be foolish to expect her to be unaware of what’s happening. She’s not contacting her family or posting on the message boards or anything, but she knows what’s up. So Copley and the team probably sit her down to “break the news,” but we know the girl does not have a poker face (see: literally shooting herself in the foot and not being able to play it cool whatsoever) and cracks immediately, telling them she’s seen everything about her case – she’s not interacting with any of it, she certainly didn’t instigate anything, but she knows. (And she is so goddamn proud of her brother.)

At this point, I’d like to pause and consider Nile’s role in the overall narrative of this movie. She’s set up as a foil to Andy, obviously, but she’s also a foil to Booker. Booker, who, like Andy, is a serious pessimist, but who, unlike Andy, still has very fresh memories and trauma associated with being the new kid, which have destroyed him. In his mind (and Andy’s), if Nile communicates with her family, she’ll become just like him in a century or two – bitter, alone, and stuck with her grief and memories of watching her family die and knowing they died resenting her. It’s a small sample size, but this is the only experience they have to go off of.

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

There’s been a lot of discussion of TOG being a fundamentally queer movie – a group of people brought together because of something inherent about themselves that is different, that must be hidden, that causes others to hate, fear, and reject them. Booker’s backstory is the archetypal traumatic “coming out” story – his family learns who he is, hate him for it, and attempt to cast him out of their lives. He’s stuck with his trauma, his pain, his loss, and it consumes him.

But what if Nile’s family would be the opposite? What if her “coming out” to them as immortal is met with acceptance, love, celebration? What if her family is just overjoyed to have her back, and they don’t care what the circumstances are? I'm reminded of this incredible post from @shitty-old-guard-deaths a while back, where Nile’s mother hits Booker with a frying pan because “my baby let me believe she was dead for FIVE YEARS based on your bad advice???” (which may or may not have inspired this whole tangent). Nile takes the advice of someone who did the same thing she wants to do because she doesn’t want to risk her family’s rejection. She wants the good memories with her family and is afraid that showing them her true self will bring her unbearable pain, forever replacing those memories. But, with high risk comes high reward.

Anyway. Nile and the team are trying to come up with a plan for how to handle this whole thing, but she’s not really participating because she’s too afraid to hope. Until finally, quickly, so she doesn’t lose her nerve, she suggests she reach out to them, knowing that, realistically, that’s the only solution before things snowball even further out of control. The team is shocked, but realize that she has a point. They decide that Copley should actually be the first point of contact, posing as a US government official to talk with them and test the waters.

So Copley goes to Nile’s family’s house to talk with her mom and brother. They���re probably distrustful and apprehensive, but nonetheless secretly ecstatic that their work has paid off. They talk and review all of the information that they’ve collected, including testimonials from the people on Nile’s base and recent sightings (along with photos) of Nile (with the same three people) over the last few years that people have sent them but they haven’t posted publicly. At this point, Copley’s like, yeah this is about to blow up, we gotta put our cards on the table. He convinces them to come with him to some safe house/black site/whatever he can get that is technologically impenetrable (I’m picturing them in like, an interrogation room at a police station kind of deal), takes their phones, locks the doors, and brings in Nile.

What follows is the most delightful reunion scene of all time, bringing Joe, Nicky, and even Andy to tears as they watch and listen from outside the room. With Copley’s help, Nile tells her mom and brother about her immortality and what’s been going on since she died (within reason, of course), and they are thrilled. They don’t understand why (because no one does) but they don’t question it and they see it as a gift from God – she’s been resurrected, she will live, and she has a purpose. Her mother and brother are so happy to see her again and are willing to agree with pretty much anything to stay in her life as long as they can.

So. They set up some complicated agreement (they bring in the other three for support/intimidation as needed) setting the terms of their relationship. They swear Nile’s family to secrecy, maybe bringing up the lab to show how high the stakes are, and they readily agree. They come up with some cover story for Nile’s brother to share on the message boards (maybe that the government has opened an investigation but because it’s an open case he has to shut it all down? Tells people to direct their tips somewhere else? Something to that effect). There’s still speculation, of course, but without Nile’s brother at the helm providing the energy, the hype dies down as news stories are wont to do without any movement. And Nile’s family goes to work for the team. The experience has taught them that Copley can’t possibly do everything himself, especially when it comes to social media, so Nile’s brother takes the lead on the day-to-day tracking/social media while Copley and her mom focus on finding jobs and scrubbing their traces afterward.

So there you have it: Nile gets to integrate her biological family into her found family and spend the rest of their lives with them as it should be, Copley gets some badly needed help managing the reality of social media, the team finally has a positive narrative surrounding outsiders Knowing About Them AND about interacting with people from their previous life, and the audience gets the happy ending to this very lovely and very queer story to counteract the pain associated with Booker’s family.

Plus, you know, I’m a sucker for both a good government conspiracy theory and for Nile getting every good thing she deserves.

[rayshippouuchiha]

Ray, sorry for dropping in, but you gotta hear this bullshit I got to "enjoy" on my first day off.

A while ago, I made a post about asexuality and how it impacts people like me (aroace) in the real world and in online spaces (general stuff, no we are not fancy straight and no we are not straight spies sent into queer spaces to infiltrate and no we are not molested or traumatized and no, fucking us does not turn us "normal"). Just, you know, phrased better.

And this whole ass CHILD went up in my DM's to argue with me. Normally, I don't care, but the real kicker? They have "bisexual" (and their age, thats how I knew they are a child) written right there in their blog yet they PROUDLY regurgitated biphobic rhetoric to my face by simply changing the "bi" into "ace" and thought they did something! As if I don't know biphobic talking points when I see them with my own damn eyes! The "basically straight" and "you can pass as straight" was a very "nice" touch to the whole shitshow. Then they proudly finished up the whole tirade with "and I know you're not lgbt because you called yourself queer, no gay does that 🙄"

I HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH BULLSHIT BEFORE IN MY LIFE

I though shit like this only happened in like homophobic facebook groups, not to my own damn face and unprovoked on TUMBLR DOT COM. Some children should NOT be on the internet and it fucking shows. I swear if they came here from that damn bird app, I will fucking lose it.

Nevermind that, had to vent and I trust you, you are a very cool and kind person. How has your day been?

Oh trust me darling I completely understand the need to vent after something like that.

At the risk of sounding like an internet old, it has been buck ass wild to watch so much of the younger generations just willfully ignore not only long established internet/fandom decorum but to just willfully ignore the realities of social issues like queer history because it doesn't fit into whatever social media sanitized version of queerness they think is reality.

And, to be honest, it's not even the ignorance itself that bothers me. Because we were all young and misinformed and raw in some way or another once upon a time. We had the passion but not the nuance, the drive but not the vocabulary, etc etc.

What bothers me is this deep trend I've been seeing where there's just this absolute unwillingness to learn.

I'm seeing it in queer spaces and I'm seeing it in fandom spaces and in the numerous ways those things cross over.

Kids who think they get to define what queerness is for everyone including their elders, who think they can come into clearly marked adult-only spaces and expect to be catered to, etc etc.

It's honestly sad and frustrating because I'm having to watch these kids dig up arguments that were already settled, argue things that were just considered unwritten law, and spout so many conservative/TERF/purity culture/homo-bi-ace-etc-phobic talking points while not even realizing that they are only arguing for their own oppression.

It's frightening in a lot of ways and it's one of the reasons why I push so hard to police my own corner of the internet and not put up with any of it in my spaces.

[galaxythreads]

Uhm... hi! Lore for Stygian? It's like one of my top favorite fics and I have it downloaded on my kindle to read offline, I love it sm!

I’m glad you love it so much. :) 

I was working on this for two+ hours and then my internet crashed and deleted everything. Which. :/ Good and terrible. I do not want to restart. I’m exhausted. I need to sleep. Terrible because I worked so hard on it. 

Good because. Well. 

Moment of honesty here. As I was going through lore for this, I came to the realization that the reason I hate Stygian so much has less to do with the writing style and more with how deeply, deeply traumatizing this section of my life was when I was writing it. Reading over the chapters was actually greatly distressing. Love the story’s concept. Hate the story itself because of what was going on at the time. 

I have severe c-pstd. This story has unfortunately turned into a massive trigger and I had no idea until now. Reading through some of the thoughts or the scenes was really, really hard. I was skipping entire sections of the story in the lore collection TM to avoid this. I’m fine with discussing the story as a whole, but the moment we start to dissect this and read specific lines is when I start to fall apart emotionally. 

As for what this means for Death Must be Lonely Like I Am, fingers crossed it’s different enough to not trigger me as badly as this did. 

I apologize that I can’t give as much lore for this fic as I could the others. 

Here’s as much as I can think of in a bullet-pointed list in ten minutes and then I’m going to go to bed. 

The entire story was planned in a notebook by hand with colored pens 

There was no reason for Steve to be in the basement with Tony in chapter 3(?), tony just pulled him down there to get him out of guard duty

I did not know how to drive when I wrote the car chase

I researched washing machines for like an hour before writing the scene where Laura was asking advice from Clint 

I fully embraced the tropes of hte time because they were fun and I wanted to work with them

English being the common-tongue on Asgard is the shittest thing I’ve ever read my past self doing. 

i had a thing against all-speak when I wrote this

I want to formally apologize to Deaf people for how I portrayed Clint as a deaf person

Loki and Tony were always going to bond over the Void

Everyone had a meticulous character arc that I planned out with SO MUCH FREAKING DETAIL

The first chapter is not the actual first chapter, it’s an edited version from a year later

I did not originally intend for them to ever go back to Clint’s mental health hospital, it was a happy accident

Alexander Pierce was supposed to visit the Raft with them in chapter 1

the reason the Avengers get kidnapped and shipped in a van across the country is because I watched The Gifted 

The grand reveal of Loki’s scars was - no joke - originally going to happen because Clint would dump boiling water on Loki

I found the Avengers chilling in the kitchen to be very comforting 

I wrot ethe scene where Lila and Cooper find Steve and co by hand at first

I think I originally misspelled Lila’s name as Lilia, and if not in this fic it was another one

i was still using cats as a curse word, WHY is a story for another time and related to me getting bullied/harassed off of my first ff.net account

my memories of this are fuzzy, but i THINK that I uploaded a majority of Stygian all at once. Like chapters 1-10 were posted in a day. Or that was Append? I have no idea honestly. One of hte two. 

I had already started Stygian when I got my a03 account though

Yes, loki has his sight back at the end of the story

God the actual deity is in this

Lila’s cat obsession was based off of my younger sister

I wrote the chapter where they wake up on the Barton farm while co-watching a sherlock holmes tv series (not Elementary or BBC Sherlock. An older version I can’t remember the name of right now) 

The Avengers hunting each other through the Tower was inspired by not one but TWO separate fics where this happened 

No one visited Loki while he was in the cell. That’s why he still had the muzzle on. Everyone was too afraid of him to approach the cell

Bucky being there was one of the base ideas for this. He was always going to be in the fic. He has a bigger role in DMBLLIA. 

The narrative parallel of the Avengers saving Loki from the Raft and Loki saving them from HYDRA was built into the plan 

someone yelled at me recently (in comment form) about how Bruce not feeling guilty about hurting Loki in chapter 8 was proof he was a psychopath even though the conversation was about not taking guilt for things that aren’t your fault. this was kinda funny. 

I might add to this tomorrow, but who knows. I am going to bed. 

asks about any of the bullet points if you want more information should tentatively be okay? if they’re not I’ll let you know. 

[secret-kpoplibrary]

Inspiring Romance Pt. 7

Pairing: Yoongi x Plus-sized Reader

Word Count: 2.3k

Warnings: well- there's some bonding over trauma, mentions of dead parents- that's mostly it

Genre: this is actually really fluffy with a couple doses of angst

Summary: You spent years happily taking care of an old man who surprisingly leaves you a huge gift when he passes. To your surprise, this gift has brought his grandson to your doorstep. Unfortunately, his grandson is one frustratingly arrogant piece of work and now thanks to his grandfather you're stuck with him for three months. You're sure his grandfather rolling in his grave watching the two of you fight every day and as much as you'd like to get along with him for his grandad's sake- he just makes it so hard to like him that you think you'll strangle him before he leaves this place. There's simply no way this could be worse.

***

A knock on your bedroom door frame pulls your attention away from a book you've borrowed from Mr. Min's library. Yoongi leans against your door frame with his arms crossed.

"Need something?" You tilt your head at him.

"I have a kind of intrusive question for you." Yoongi says.

"Like- who would win in a fight versus a bear intrusive or delving into some sort of trauma intrusive?" You ask.

"Possibly the second one? I don't know for certain if it'll be traumatizing but- it's definitely not who would win in a fight with a bear but- who's fighting a bear?"

"I guess no one since that's not what you're asking about."

"I mean yeah but like- where did fighting a bear come from?"

"I mean sometimes you get like really random questions that pop into your head- I've had people ask me about fighting wild animals before- this is not what you came in here for though. Right?"

"Right."

"Okay so, ask your question." You place the book on your bedside table to give Yoongi your attention.

"You told me you were raised by humans that knew your actual parents so- have you like tried finding your birth parents?" Yoongi asks sitting on the edge of your bed.

"I've looked for them yeah. My bio parents are dead." You say.

"Oh- I'm so sorry." Yoongi frowns.

"I mean I never knew them. Sure it sucks that I like- can't learn about being a wolf from them or ever get to talk to them but my parents were okay at the parent thing and luckily I learned lots of the important stuff from your granddad." You shrug.

"Do you know what happened to them? If you don't mind me asking."

"I don't actually. I'm sure I could find out but- their cause of death really wouldn't make me feel any better about them being dead so I didn't dig too far." You shrug.

"That's- yeah that's fair."

"I'm not really a fan of what the internet calls trauma bonding but- your parents died when you were young too, yeah?" You muse. Yoongi chuckles a bit before answering,

"Yeah- I was like 8 when it happened." He says.

"I'm assuming you know what happened to them?"

"Nothing dramatic. It was a car accident."

"Was it hard? Like- I mean- I know I was sad when I learned of my parents' death but I didn't know them so I was mostly sad about the fact that I would never get that chance. I can't imagine how it would feel if I already knew them. Plus moving in with your granddad I mean- couldn't have been easy." You pull your legs towards you and rest your chin on your knees.

"Honestly moving in with my gramps was the easiest part. He was always part of my childhood even before my parents died so, moving in with him felt natural. The hard bit was just realizing that he was all I had left. Don't get me wrong he did the best he could raising me but- he wasn't my mom." Yoongi shrugs.

"And your aunt wasn't around you said once yeah?"

"Nah not really. Since our family doesn't belong to a larger pack I really only saw her and my cousins on mandatory family gathering holidays but- she couldn't be around me for years because I looked so much like her dead sister she said."

"Well- you do look a lot like your mom, even more so when you were a kid." You muse.

"How do you know that?" His brow furrows at your observation.

"Mr. Min has photos of you and your parents and your aunt and Lisa all over the place. His study, his room, the library. There's a few in the main hallway too, though those are mostly just of him and you and then him and your mom and aunt- have you never noticed?"

"I guess not, no. I don't often go into his study or room really." Yoongi mutters.

"Oh, he also liked to tell stories about the photo albums he kept. He had an impressive recall for the things he's got photographs of I mean- he's got holiday photos taken decades apart that he could recount as if both afternoons happened yesterday. It was remarkable honestly." You muse.

"Really? He told you stories about me?"

"You, Lisa, your mom and dad, your aunt. Especially in the last year he had so much he wanted to share. His favorite story was from a photo of you at your first soccer game."

"Oh God." Yoongi groans and you laugh as you continue the story.

"You sucked apparently, scored a goal in the opposing team's net but your grandfather used to tell that story and say he was the proudest parent on the field all afternoon because it was the first time you were genuinely interested in something after your parents died. He told that story in particular at least half a dozen times I think." You tell him.

"Wow- I had no idea he talked about me so much." He mutters.

"Not at first. You were kinda like a ghost." You chuckle.

"A ghost huh?" Yoongi laughs along with you.

"Just a tad." You put your fingers close together in front of your face, looking at him through the small gap with one eye. Yoongi throws his head back and lets out a loud laugh that brings a smile to your face. "This has been an- unusually heavy conversation for, three o'clock on a Wednesday afternoon." You muse.

"Yeah sorry about that- I was talking to a buddy of mine and he asked about you and I remembered I wanted to ask about your parents when you brought it up but the conversation went a different direction."

"A buddy of yours? Wow I didn't know you had friends. And why are they asking about me?" You frown. Yoongi rolls his eyes,

"First of all fuck you. I knew him as a kid and we lost touch for a while but we reconnected by chance on one of my travels. And he wasn't asking in a weird way just- we were catching up, he asked how I've been and I told him I was staying with my pop's caretaker so- he wanted to know what that was about."

"Oh you told him about the arrangement?"

"Not in detail, just that I was in town handling some things because my granddad died and you were staying at the house so we're just sharing the space is all."

"Handling some things- how diplomatic." You muse.

"Yeah well- we're friends but we aren't so close that I want him to know all the details of what goes on with my family." Yoongi says with a shrug.

"I guess that makes sense. Not every friend is close enough to know all your business. Sometimes you just chat and in your case travel." You nod.

"Do you travel at all?" Yoongi asks.

"Nowhere I haven't been able to just drive to." You shake your head.

"Where do you wanna go? If you could pick anywhere in the world. Where are you headed?"

"Greece. My first stop has to be Greece." You answer almost immediately.

"Athens is beautiful. I think you'd love it there."

"Maybe I'll go one day and I can let you know what I think." You shrug.

"You should go. I mean I'm sure you can afford it now- what with the money my gramps left you. Take a few days off and go."

"Oh- yeah you're right. I hadn't thought about it. I guess it's still settling that you know I have all this stuff because of him. I still don't understand where all this comes from. Your grandfather never really talked about his wealth."

"He owned a business. I know that's vague but since it's not something I ever had to worry about I don't remember really what he told me as far as what he did." Yoongi shrugs.

"Oh- you didn't take it over?" You frown.

"Nah the business went to my aunt before I was even born." Yoongi shakes his head.

"Any reason in particular why?"

"My mom wasn't nearly interested enough to run the business. And good thing too. Like- imagine pops hands off the business to my mom and both my parents die before I'm old enough to do anything with an entire company. Granddad's now stuck running the business he's already retired from."

"Guess that worked out well."

"Yep. Hey- look at us, finally becoming friends." Yoongi says laying back.

"And with just three weeks until we go our separate ways and maybe never speak again." You smirk. You're partially kidding, but you know it's very possible you and Yoongi won't stay in touch after this.

"Hey- you think I'm gonna take the money and you'll never see me again?" Yoongi quirks an eyebrow at you.

"Well- you weren't exactly dying to be around here when you had family in this house- certainly your granddad's old caretaker isn't enough to tie you to this place." You muse with a teasing smile.

"I wouldn't go so far as to say tie me to the place. I mean with all my traveling I barely see lots of my friends- but it's easy to keep in touch if I want to."

"Sounds like you actually like me." You poke his side.

"It seems like my pops wasn't so crazy to think we'd get on well. Turns out you're pretty cool." Yoongi shrugs.

"Oh please as if I was the one who had to prove I was cool." You scoff.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He laughs.

"If I remember correctly one of us had a really nasty attitude when we first met and it wasn't me."

"Yeah alright that's uh, that's pretty fair. But hey I'm not all angsty attitudes and angry dispositions."

"I've noticed. There's more than asshole to you. Who woulda thought."

"Hey! Do I give off one dimensional energy?"

"Well when for a month straight all you do is pick fights-" you trail off with laughter when Yoongi narrows his eyes at you and his mouth sets into a pout.

"Fuck off!" He grumbles though there's no real anger behind it.

"I've seen you actually angry you know, you can't fool me." You poke his cheek.

"Maybe declaring this as a friendship was a mistake." He says.

"Aw- now I know we're friends." You laugh boisterously.

"No- I change my mind. You're annoying."

"I could go back to not talking to you?" You suggest.

"Well you can't do that- It'll be maddening in silence."

"So quit complaining, loser."

"You this bossy with all your friends?"

"Only when I have to be which when it comes to you seems to be a lot of the time."

"Sounds like you just called me incompetent."

"Hear whatever you want darling." You shrug with a smile. Yoongi quirks an eyebrow at you but doesn't say anything. After a moment of pointedly staring at you, he makes himself comfortable on your bed by laying back and closing his eyes.

"Do you just plan to spend the rest of your afternoon laying in my bed?" You ask, tilting your head at him.

"If it's all the same to you, I think I will."

"You don't have anything better to do?" You ask curiously. You grab your book off of the night table and flip to the page you bookmarked upon Yoongi's entry.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say you don't want me here. Got something to hide from me lemon drop?"

"Lemon drop?" You blink at him over the top of your book. He opens one eye to look at you with a smug smile.

"Yes- lemon drop. You're not wearing earplugs now are you?"

"Of course not idiot I just- that's kinda random."

"Lemons are sour."

"Gee I had no idea."

"Let me finish you brat. You're sour too but like- the kind of sour that's not unbearable and it gets better over time. Like a sour patch kid. But lemon drop is a cuter nickname."

"Didn't realize we're at nickname status."

"I think we are. Do you disagree?"

"Give me a few days to come up with one for you and I'll get back to you on that." You tell him.

"Take your time." He tells you.

"This friendship is developing quite interestingly."

"You changed the subject on me lemon drop." Yoongi sits up to look at you.

"What are you talking about?" You frown putting your book down on your lap.

"I asked if you had something to hide from me."

"Nothing I don't hide from most people." You shrug.

"Hey we live together-"

"Oh come on we get along now but it's not like we're in this situation because we were best friends and thought it'd be fun. Why should I tell you all my secrets? Have you told me all of yours?" You muse.

"Fine. Have your secrets if you must."

"Not that I needed your permission but I will thank you very much." You say lifting your book back up to actually get back to reading now. Mr. Min had several books about werewolves from history, to medicine, to folklore, to biology and whatnot. Without him, you've been making greater use of the books to learn all you can, though you're surprised books like this exist.

"Do you really think we're not gonna speak again after I leave?" Yoongi asks after a long breath of silence.

"Do you really think we are?" You ask back.

"I mean- I think we can if we want to. Staying in touch isn't hard." Yoongi's noncommital answer makes you quirk an eyebrow at him.

"I think the question you really wanna ask me is if I want to speak after you leave then, yes?"

"It doesn't matter that much to me I'm just- curious, you know about how you think the friendship will go." He shrugs.

"I think the friendship will suffer greatly if you don't drop the cool guy act and get real." You scoff with a smile. "In all seriousness when you first got here I wanted you to drop dead at the doorstep but- I guess you've grown on me. I'm not too shy to admit that the quiet will certainly be weird to get used to. Although this house is so big sometimes I have no idea where you are anyhow."

"Yeah- I've gotten pretty used to having you around too." He says.

"Well in that case- maybe we will continue to speak after you've gone." You tell him.

"I'd like that."

"Hm, I think I would too." You decide with a nod. Yoongi allows that answer to end your conversation for now but he does spend the rest of the afternoon in your room, doing his own thing and enjoying being in your space. It's an interesting development really, you've never just spent time together silently but you realize maybe it wouldn't be so weird if this were normal.

***

Part 7/???

Tagged Users: @schokoshaker @tarahardcore @scuzmunkie @yoongiigolden @atomickoala @shesaysweirdthings

[dilfphobes]

you know some callout posts do tend to be quite juvenile and immature. sometimes it’s so clear that some issues could just be handled privately without bringing it on to the dash. but i really don’t think that’s the case here. there are some situations that warrant bringing public attention such as bigotry or predatory behavior esp when the person doing it refused to take accountability for their actions. the fact that she tried denying it as first until she realized there is literally evidence against her really rubbed me the wrong way too. as a black girl i would much rather know if someone has a history w racism even if they’ve apologized. esp when it comes to writing a character as a neo nazi enacting slave play and romanticizing that. i should be able to make the decision of whether or not i want to forgive that person and follow them. this isn’t just petty tumblr drama this is smth that’s really harmful. so i do appreciate u making that post and ik a lot of other people do seeing as how all her followers inc me and mutuals were caught completely off guard. i did read her apology and understand she wrote it in order to cope w her own traumatic experiences and that is an explanation but it shouldn’t be an excuse and it doesn’t make it right. again i understand her trying to move past it and grow but pretending like she didn’t write it and trying to lie initially was just very irresponsible and disappointing :// and trying to frame this as a “big blogs send mobs after smaller blogs” situation isn’t helping her case either seeing as how she dedicated and entire paragraph to that and it just comes off as deflecting.

you said it all perfectly. trauma is never an excuse to traumatise others and honestly the fact that she even brought that up was so...weird. like i kinda have to wonder how she even ended up in such a weird place on the internet but it isn't my place to judge so 🤷‍♀️

[1kook]

commercial break; SEVEN

this is part of my netflix & chill series ! happens a few months before part 7 

summary; And lastly, Jungkook will bring it full circle by indulging you two in some good old fashion spooky sex where he nuts inside you because the only thing scarier than a scary movie is a pregnancy scare. It’s a perfect plan.  warnings; horny jk, jk wants to roleplay... everyone point n laugh, mentions of his impreg kink lol, making out, tits, honestly jk is just very horny n in love lol, jk in a vampire costume w fangs O_o rating; mature (18+) wc; 2k

notes; if u don’t know who lindsay is first of all ur sick, second of all here’s my queen’s top moments. also i just gotta say, this was originally gonna be a larger fic (a halloween special) for my ncouple, but i got a lil busy with school n ultimately didn't have time to invest in this as a whole installment so..... enjoy this commercial break instead!!

Jungkook loves Halloween.

He loves the pumpkin carving and the decorating. Loves the spooky music and the abundance of candy. He loves it, absolutely adores it, and for the second year in a row, he gets to spend it with you! Yet another person he loves very much.

He doesn’t remember ever being this excited for Halloween. Last year, you had roped him into going to some frat party with him, had egged him on, begged so cutely that it was your last year in college, baby until he caved. The two of you had spent the night drinking until you blacked out, Ubering home with your costumes half on, and then unceremoniously fucking in his living room with the blinds wide open.

(The next neighborhood meeting had been very awkward for Jungkook.)

It was his first time ever drinking with you like that, and he vaguely remembers, through his own drunken gaze, how cool you had been. Had absolutely owned a bunch of greasy football players at beer pong in your little sexy nurse costume. And when the crowd cheered your name, shrieked in awe, it had been him that you turned to for praise. “Did you see me, baby,” you had giggled, crowded him against the wall of this random house until Jungkook was sweating profusely. In lieu of a costume, he had worn a silly jogger set with a skeleton design that was supposed to glow in the dark, according to Amazon. You had told him he looked adorable, had kissed and squeezed his cheeks until Jungkook was a flustered mess.

It was still early into your relationship— if Jungkook did the math, you were only about five months in at that point —so he didn’t know how else to cope with the rapid thundering of his heart, the confession sitting on his tongue, the then scary L-word begging to be heard. So, he took you home and fucked you until your little nurse cap slid off your head and you were begging for him to let you cum, thus earning him his first ever offense for violating the neighborhood rules (i.e., traumatizing a group of middle schoolers by fucking in plain sight).

Long story short, Jungkook loves Halloween, and he loves it even more when he gets to spend it with you.

(He’ll never admit it, but he’s a hard romantic. He wants to do cheesy things with you, like cuddle you into his arms when you get scared, pat your head until you can look at whatever is happening on screen again. He wants you to feel safe in his arms, wants to be your refuge when things become too much. He likes to think he’s done a pretty good job so far.)

Jungkook’s plan goes like this:

First, welcome you with that Halloween basket you’ve been sending him tweet links about all month. The cute little Jack-O-lantern candy bucket stuffed with candy and hair ties and a soft Halloween themed blanket. It’s so cheesy, makes him blush when he catches sight of it in his closet, but Jungkook will do anything to please you.

Next, after presenting you with your Halloween gift and having you coo and tell him he’s a good boy, he’ll invite you to break your new soft blanket in. The living room will be prepared with an assortment of your favorite foods, the flat screen ready to play whatever horror movie the two of you settle on.

And lastly, Jungkook will bring it full circle by indulging you two in some good old fashion spooky sex where he nuts inside you because the only thing scarier than a scary movie is a pregnancy scare.

It’s a perfect plan.

It’s the best way to spend his favorite holiday, with his favorite girl by his side and some of his favorite horror films on the big screen. Jungkook spends all of October geeked up for it, even considers hanging up lights around the living room to really set the mood. He’s so excited, can’t wait to spend another wonderful holiday at home with you, that he doesn’t fully realize why you haven’t brought up the long awaited topic of costumes.

“You like?” you ask, standing at the door of his bathroom with a sultry look in your eye, tits practically pouring out of the tight top you’ve wiggled into, skin oiled up scandalously. He fumbles with the fake vampire fang prosthetics he’d been trying to glue in for the better half of an hour.

He had heard the door open downstairs when you got here, had called out his mandatory greeting as he heard you come up the stairs. But none of that had prepared him for the sight of you in… whatever this was.

Jungkook doesn’t really understand exactly what you’re supposed to be dressed up as until the two of you are back downstairs—blinds drawn, full moon slipping in through the cracks—with some random horror movie pulled up on the TV. “I’m Lindsey,” you whine, brand new fluffy blanket wrapped around your shoulders. It shields your boobs from view, but he’s not sure if that’s a win or a loss. “From Total Drama Island!”

He settles in beside you, doesn’t get too comfortable because it’s nearing sundown now and he knows the herds of children are bound to start flowing in. “Uh huh,” he says mindlessly. His collar feels itchy, the overly-detailed vampire costume he meticulously scoured the internet for being one size too small. You snuggle into his side anyway.

“You don’t know anything about cinematic masterpieces,” you frown, avidly tuned into The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, because apparently you love horror movies all of a sudden, a fact that genuinely throws Jungkook off. He’s not sure what it is about you that had deluded him into thinking you would be a scaredy cat, but he doesn’t take the new bit of information too hard.

The doorbell rings right as the first gorey scene ends and you make a big show of huffing and whining as he rushes to answer it. But it’s only the beginning of the long night that awaits, and, as Jungkook comes to find, running back and forth from the door to the couch is harder than it seems.

Anyway, Jungkook’s neighborhood is a little posh, or ‘bougie’ as you like to claim, and trick-or-treating hours end a little before eleven pm. By then he’s tired, having refused your offer to switch places in fear that your boob might fall out of that scrap of fabric you call a top and earn him his second neighborly offense.

However, that doesn’t mean he’s opposed to your boobs falling out in private.

“Stupid,” you giggle when he gets caught in his long cape, the sound slowly melting into a whimper as he slips his hands beneath your top, fighting with the ridiculous push-up bra you’ve donned tonight. Hands tangle in his hair, mess up the careful side part he’d styled up for tonight, and legs lock around his waist. “Your curtains closed?” you tease.

He huffs, catches your chatty lips with his roughly, presses and presses until your mouth must bruise. He belatedly remembers about those sharp fangs he’d glued on—hey, if he was going to dress up as some gaudy monster it might as well be realistic—and doesn’t realize until he tries to bite your neck and you let out a little yelp. Truthfully, he feels bad right away, but then you’re practically dissolving in his arms so he plays along. “Shh,” he hisses.

The roar of a chainsaw and terrified screams fill the living room, almost drowning out the soft sounds you release by his ear. “O- Or what?” you pant, flinch when he pushes your sad excuse of a skirt up over your waist. “Gonna b- bite me?”

And so Jungkook does.

You shriek. “That hurts, you idiot!” you scold with a tiny whine in your voice, but Jungkook’s cock is so hard. Your tiny, tight outfit does you no favors. Tits in his face, tiny thong against his bulge. He wants to make you sob, litter bites and marks all over your skin until his love makes you ache. You must see the crazed look in his eyes, because you drop the scowl. “Hey,” you say slowly, hand on his chest. “You look like you’re gonna eat me.”

He lets go of a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. He wonders if you can feel his thundering heart beneath your palm. “Fuck,” he sighs, leaning away to regain his senses. Was it something in the air? Was it the fatigue? The full moon? Why did he want to fold you in half and fuck his cock into you until you were a crying, shivering mess? Something about you tonight, laid out for him to take, makes him feel absolutely insane. Starved and psycho; he just wants to take and take until you don’t have anything more to give. He purses his lips, tries to ignore the hot feeling in his lower abdomen when your hardened nipples register to his eyes. “I think I’m becoming evil.”

Of all the idiotic things his brain can come up with, this one is definitely top five. His cheeks flush right after, fueled by the boisterous laughter that escapes your lips at his statement. “Oh my god,” you gasp in glee, hands falling down beside your head. “You’re becoming evil?’

Jungkook frowns, flopping down on top of you to hide the embarrassment that paints his face. “Shut up,” he mumbles against your neck, warm and safe.

A hand cards through the back of his hair, nails dig lightly into his scalp. “Aren’t you the cutest little vampire,” you coo, seemingly ignoring the rock hard cock Jungkook presses against your thigh. He’s still so horny, has this sick thought that he could just pin you down right here, tear that silly costume to shreds and swallow you up in his lust. But your voice is so sweet, has his eyes fluttering shut as you gather him in his arms. “Silly vampire,” you hum, one leg thrown around his hip, a subtle roll of you hips up into him.

Jungkook huffs, licks a flat strip along the base of your neck. It draws a shaky exhale from you, has your hands digging into his back when he begins to slowly lap against the skin, nibble and tug until your back is deliciously arching up into him. “Wanna push you down,” he confesses quietly, hands securing themselves against your hips as he leans back. You're all dazed, eyes trained on his fanged mouth when he hesitantly adds, “l- little human.”

You could laugh, tease him for his sudden weird need to role play with you, but you don’t. A look of understanding crosses your face, sly smirk slowly following. “Oh?” you grin, hand coming around to cup his cheek. “The little vampire wants to use my body?” Jungkook tightens his jaw at your jab, but nods nonetheless.

You’re a feast before his eyes. Boobs in his face, pussy begging to be filled. You’re his, just like Jungkook is yours. And when you indulge him and his stupid whims—kinks, he should say, occasional interests that sometimes make him question himself—his heart feels warm and full. Proud and unashamed, like the truest version of himself when you look at him with those eyes. And your words only confirm it.

Your hands reach down for your top, pull the flimsy material over your head in one swoop that has your bra coming off with it. It drops to the floor. If it makes a sound, Jungkook doesn’t hear it over the shrieks of terror on screen. the blood deaths, the suspenseful music. All he hears is he hammering of his heart. 

It’s two of your sneaky fingers that come up to play, pinch one nipple tenderly as you meet his eyes. “It’s all yours,” you purr. “I’m all yours.”

And the thirst he feels, well. It’s a little vampiric, to say the least. 

—

Copyright © 2020, 1kook on tumblr. absolutely NO reposts allowed.

[actually-impostor]

I am so tired

And exhausted. Disappointed. And worried

Jesus christ I'm worried

Because they are kids. They are childrens.

I'm gonna go on a long rant, everything will be tagged as it should, and this post will be behind a read more. Care for yourself while reading.

Tommyinmit. Tubbo. Ranboo. Hell, even Purpled (tho luckily i havent seen him be fucking attacked and hounded and harassed in this way. Small mercies)

They should NOT have to carry the weight of expectation A Bunch Of Adults Have Put On Their Shoulders

Read that again

YOU AS AN ADULT SHOULD NOT PUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS ON THE SHOULDERS OF CHILDREN

Should they try to better themselves every day? Yeah, but that's something every human should do

Should they stop being children just because they have a platform?

FUCK NO

Im sorry the internet and the world and the adults around you failed you to the point where you think having a mental breakdown everyday for all the struggles around the world you Are Forced To Read About is somehow normal.

Because darling, it's not.

Its not normal, or okay, or something to flex about, that your mental health is being put to such a risk just so you can stay "on top of things"

Im going to re-phrase something i said in 2019 about child actors (i know they aren't "actors" in the traditional sense but they are child celebrities, and it fits)

What you guys have to realize is that the difference between them and... idk, kids you see in your school or in your neighborhood, is that They Have An Audience. They had a sudden spike of people who from one day to the other focused their attention on them and decided "mh, I want to give them attention and a platform for a/b/c reason". You gave them your attention, if you disagree with something they said or their attitudes or whatever, you are in complete liberty to take away your view without feeling like you have to put them on blast.

They are young enough where their personalities, reactions, and opinions are still an echo of the adults and friends who surround them. They are starting to form their own opinions, but its still very much filtered by whichever influence got them first (parents, idols, teachers, older siblings, etc)

We are all ignorants when we are kids, even those who had to suffer thru a lack of privilege are ignorants of things up to a certain point. We grow to educate ourselves in whichever way we can, but we are still ignorant to A Lot Of Issues while we are growing and becoming ourselves.

The difference between us nobodies, and child celebrities (or kids with a following. Twitch streamers, tiktokers, youtubers, actors, etc) is that they have a constant spotlight and millions of eyes on them.

Everyone has access to when they fuck up because its never in private, Because They Dont Have That Privilege.

They are not allowed to mess up, because they are expected to be perfect.

Read that again.

They are KIDS who are Not Allowed To Make Mistakes Anymore.

They aren't allowed to make mistakes, a central point of growing up that helps you become a better person. They are not being allowed to grow and become better because they are not being allowed to fuck up, which is human!

And instead of Actually being helpful, the solution you, ADULTS, have come to... is to send them hate?

Your solution is to call them racist, homophobic, horrible humans who wont better themselves.

What have you done?

Answer that to yourselves.

What have you done?

Have you donated to your charity of choice? Have you given the microphone to the ones that struggle? Have you woke up and think "im gonna do a random act of kindness"?

Or are you just going to waste your energy and yourself bashing a teenager on twitter and staring as his mental health fucks off? In front of a live audience that instead of realizing they were taking things TOO FAR decided to try to "hammer the point"

What are you gonna do if they fuck off?

Because what´s happening is not "EDUCATING"

Is bullying a child.

Thats all there is. You have successfully bullied a child, yay. Now he doesn't want to learn better because no matter how much he educates himself yall still decide he is the worst human being on the planet for not being able to express something in a way YOU feel HE should.

Allow people to make mistakes without them being crucified every fucking step of the way.

Another thing is this need to remind them "i have this mental health situation, now say something to make me feel better"

Fantastic that you found someone and something that can help you out of a dark place. Now do the next part of getting Actual Capable And Profesional Help.

They are children, they are streamers. They dont have the necessary knowledge and equipment and training to help you with something serious. It should not be in their shoulder the weight of actively helping people thru a traumatic event or a shitty situation. If their streams comfort you, great. But thats all they can do.

And if they want to be educated on something Dont Immediately Shut Them Down. Let them educate themselves even if it's on something considered problematic, or something you think "is not important enough", just let them explore their interests without feeling like they have to perform everything for their audience.

Be better.

Do better.

And honestly? I didnt wanted to add this, but after all my sister has a point.

Why are you guys putting so much effort and energy into this? They play video games for a living.

Use your energy into bettering yourself and doing your part for the world. Not into bashing a 16-17 years old child.

Go outside, see the sky, change your scenario a bit. Touch some grass.

I think tomorrow i'll go for a walk.

[sunaswife]

Summary: It’s been five years since you’ve seen your ex, Rin. He’s still not over you and you’re not over him. When he finds out you have children he thought he didn’t have a chance. Then he finds out they’re his? All of a sudden you’re teaching Suna how to be a single dad.

note from denise: hi!! <3 this is a small chapter but i think an important one nonetheless :) i hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Fluff, angst I guess, drama, and cuteness twin overload

Previously Up Next Masterlist

Chapter Nine

“Is there anything you want for breakfast?” You asked Rin as you looked through your closet. He was laying back in bed under the covers, typical Rin. “No don’t bother making anything. I wanna treat you guys to breakfast.” He rubbed his eyes and you turned. “You don’t have to.” You immediately told him. “No i want to.” He assured and you smiled lightly. “Alright thank you.” You said softly and you grabbed your black overall skirt, white long sleeve and your favorite leggings.

“If you want you can wake up the kids.” You said before heading into the bathroom. He sat up and groaned and slowly made his way to their room. He opened the door and saw the two little foxes slide something under the bed. He tilted his head confused and they innocently looked up at him. “Good morning daddy.” They recited which honestly gave him the chills. Twins who could recite things at the same time are creepy. “Good morning. Now what were you guys hiding just now?” He asked with a raised brow. “Nothing—“ Akira innocently smiled. Even though these kids looked like Rin, they certainly had Y/N’s expressions. And that adorable smile that Suna has missed.

“You guys already know that lying is bad. Show me what you’re hiding?” He asked and sat on the floor across from them. Rini guiltily frowned and he reached under the bed to retrieve a box. It was an old shoe box. “A box? What? is it just an animal or something?” Rin asked and the kids shook their heads. Akira handed him the box and he opened it. The first thing he saw was a Polaroid of you and him. He felt a slap across his face. You smiled so bright and Rin had his deadpanned face like always. The photo behind the Polaroid was with you in between the twins. They were using your shoulders as an arm rest, each photo made his stomach turn and he saw napkins and tickets, you always wrote the date and a little heart with a note when Rin would take you to places.

“You and mommy looked so happy. Why did you guys leave eachother. I don’t get it.” Akira asked. “You won’t get it until you’re older.” Rin said and began to put everything back before he started crying. “Do you still love mommy?” Rini asked, Rin felt like he was in the hot seat.

They kept their eyes fixated on him. “Of course I do, she’s an amazing friend. She’s the mother of my children.” Rin started. “No not that kind of love...like love love. Like do you wanna marry her?” Akira asked but his phone rang and he saw the FaceTime call from his mother.

His face turned white and he immediately stood up and answered. “H-hi mom..” Rin cleared his throat and the twins gasped. “Grandma?!” They practically yelled. “Rintarou, are you babysitting or something?” His mother asked. “Um no I’m not—“ “Daddy Can we see grandma? We don’t have a grandma we wanna see our grandma!” Rini pulled the hem of his shirt and he looked down. “Daddy? Rintarou they’re not talking about you right?” His mother asked concerned. “Give me a sec...” he told the kids. “Start picking out your clothes.” He said and they quickly nodded and he went straight to the living room. He sighed and rested his hand on his forehead. “Rintarou talk to me. What’s going on? Did you get someone pregnant?” His mom asked. “Yes—no—it’s complicated I—“ “Rintarou it’s either a yes or a no.” His mom said.

Is this deja vu?

“Alright I’ll be honest. Yes I got a girl pregnant.” He sighed and brushed his hair back with his hand. His mom immediately changed her face to one of disappointment. She wasn’t expecting this when she called her son to ask when he was going to visit again.

“Rintaoru explain.” His moms tone completely changed and he gulped, he didn’t hear you coming from the hall. “Well..remember Y/N? My highschool girlfriend?” He asked. “The girl who’s the reason you were severely depressed and almost suicidal? Yeah how could I forget?” She replied sarcastically and you froze.

Wait...what?

“Well before we broke up we kind of..ya know and so she left and she didn’t tell me about them—“ “SHE DID WHAT?! Where is she I want to talk to her!” His mom raised her voice. “Rin I-“ you spoke up and he turned quickly to see you standing there in your cute outfit.

“Y/N, i need to speak with you.” His mother broke the silence and Rin was about to protest but you snatched his phone away. “Hello Mrs. Suna.” You said awkwardly but she had the same deadpanned expression your ex and kids have. “Why didn’t you tell my idiot son you were pregnant?” She demanded rather than ask. “Well it was because I was heartbroken, alone, and going through something traumatic. My parents kicked me out and I didn’t want Rin to have to drop out to help me support two children.” You said. “Two—“ “I had twins.” You interrupted. “How do you know they’re my sons—“ “He’s the only person I’ve ever slept with and they look exactly like him, ma’am. I assure you they’re his.” You replied.

“I don’t believe you not telling Rin you were pregnant because of your situation is an excuse.” She said. “I know. But I wanted to wait until Rin was more mature—“ “And had money and fame as a pro player right? So you could get money?” She asked and both of your and Rin’s eyes widened. “Excuse me. I’m doing more than fine on my own and I have not asked Rin for anything.”

“What do you do for a living?” She asked as if trying to prove you wrong, “I’m a sports commentator, voice actress and Internet personality. I have my own house and car so don’t you dare accuse me of wanted to take money from Rintarou because I will never ask him for anything then to be in the kids lives—“

“Okay that’s enough—mom please stop. We still have a lot of things to talk about regarding the kids and co-parenting. I need to go, we’re taking them on a field trip.” He said after taking the phone away. “When are you guys both free?” His mother asked. “As a single mother I can assure you that I’m never free.” You replied sassily. “I’m free in two weeks—“ Rin interrupted again before another fight started. “..me too..” you replied after checking your calender on the wall.

“Okay, I want you both in Hyogo with the kids. We need to chat.” She said and hung up. You and Rin just looked at eachother and blinked in shock. Like...did that just happen? The kids peered over the hallway doorpost and frowned. They wanted to meet their grandma.

“We’ll talk later.” You told him and he nodded. You turned back down the hall and mumbled something about getting the kids ready for today. Suna changed back into his clothes from yesterday and when the kids look all presentable and cute you all left.

“I should have know.” You said as you looked at the bright sign that said Onigiri Miya. Rin helped Akira out of the car seat and he chuckled. “Osamu’s food is bomb and you know it. I get a best friend discount either way.” He shrugged as you held Rini’s hand and Rin held Akiras hand and you both walked to the shop.

“Hmm? What a surprise!” Osamu spoke up when the bell chimed. “Good morning uncle Samu!” The kids giggled and let go to run to the counter. “How are my favorite munchkins?” He asked as they smiled and looked at the pictured food in amazement.

They act like you never feed them and when you do they just eat two bites and they’re “full”.

“Sup.” “Yo.” Suna and Osamu greeted. “Good morning Osamu.” You said politely and he smiled. “Good morning Y/N.” He replied. “When Suna didn’t come back last night I got a bit worried and he didn’t answer my texts till this morning but I’m glad he was with you.” Osamu said and you didn’t see Suna’s small blush. “Oh well the kids really wanted him to sleep over so he reluctantly agreed and we just called it a night.” You chuckled and he nodded. In the car, Suna told you his situation. He’s currently being transferred over to Tokyo in a different team and his lease ended so instead of getting another lease he moved out and he’s crashing with Osamu for a bit.

While you both talked you couldn’t see the look your kids were giving eachother. The opportunity was perfect and they’re going to take full advantage of it.

Finally you and Rin decided on what to order as well as the kids and you all sat down patiently. Rin was showing the kids pictures of his dog, Chewy. It was short for Chewbacca and you sighed at how much of a nerd Suna really is. But yet again that was another thing you guys bonded over back then.

Soon the food arrived and the kids loved it, you loved it. Rin obviously loved it. It was just so freaking good. “How much was the food again? So I can pay half.” You asked after wiping your mouth and Suna frowned. “I told you I got it.” He flicked your forehead and you smacked his hand. “Oww.” You whined. “It’s free cuz you demanded that I give you free food when I opened my restaurant, remember?” Osamu spoke up from the counter and you squinted. “But—“ “No if’s, but’s, or coconuts. I’m not charging Rin today.” Osamu said and you told him a small thank you.

“Y/N the ticket booth is this way..” Rin pointed out as you walked to the gates. “I came prepared.” You said and pulled out the QR code’s on your phone. “Mama still gets nervous talking to strangers sometimes so she usually is prepared.” It didn’t take long for everyone to go through the gates and Rin realized you have to had payed for his ticket.

He kept bugging throughout the day that he could pay for everyone instead but you smacked his arm and pointed at your kids in the distance. They were at the kids section where they could touch starfish and Akira was obviously a little bit nervous. But Rini was there guiding her hand and making sure she was using the two fingers to pet the animals.

“Rini may be a bit of an airhead but he always remembers that he’s a big brother and he’s always there for Akira when she’s nervous or scared..” you told him and his heart melted. They were just so cute. “Um..excuse me..Suna Rintarou...hi I’m a big fan and I was wondering if I can take a photo or get an autograph..” a small voice said and you turned to see a teenage boy.

“Sure dude.” Suna smiled softly and the guy took out his phone for a selfie, “I can take the picture.” You spoke up and the teenager gasped.” “Kageyama Y/N! Oh my god, are you really cousins with Tobio? Or do you just happen to have the same last name? I love listening to your podcasts and the yandere video game that your in is amazing!” He began to geek out and you laughed. “Yeah Tobio and I are cousins, and thanks for the support! You’re a man of culture I see.” You joked.

There was a slight pause of realization with him and he gasped. “Oh..am I interrupting your date?” He asked and looked between you both.

“Yes.”

“No.”

He tilted his head confused and you held Rin’s hand and hugged his arm. Your chest practically engulfed his arm and he almost had a nose bleed. “We went to the same highschool together so we’re catching up with a small date.” You said causing Suna’s face to turn bright red. The boy apologized for bothering and he took a selfie with you both and left.

You quickly let go and you put some distance between you both. Suna began fanning his face and you tried to hide your blush. Out of everything you could do, why would you do that?!

“I don’t know if you wanna tell the world that you have two kids or that you got some chick pregnant in highschool.” You told him. “You weren’t some chick, and I honestly don’t care if people know.” He said and you sighed and turned back to your kids. “But if you’re gonna keep doing that then it’s fine.” He said and you turned back to see him covering his mouth in shock. “I said that out loud didn’t I?” He asked and you nodded.

This was going to be a long day.

TAGLIST IS CLOSED

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[paperficwriter]

The Past Month

So I've been slow to talk about this here, and for a while I didn't know why but now I realize it's because this is the only platform where I've been told to kill myself lol the possibility of getting messages like that hits different now.

Anyway, it's been a hell of a month.

(cw medical trauma, hospitals, not graphic)

In August I was hospitalized for a pulmonary embolism (an extensive bilateral pulmonary embolism, more accurately). I had been feeling very short of breath for a couple of days and I thought it was allergies and then medication I started on when suddenly my blood pressure was really bad and even if I went up and down my stairs it was like walking around the block with how much I was breathing.

So I went to urgent care. They did some blood work. And proceeded to tell me that my stats were the kind they see in people with heart failure ("Not to freak you out!" Narrator's voice: it was too late). I got sent to the hospital in an ambulance, put in the ER, got a CT scan and...yeah, clots in my lungs.

I got admitted for several days. They did an echo of my heart, which was really good, and my lungs were good as well. It was honestly because my stats were so solid once I got put on blood thinners that I didn't end up in the ICU.

They've pretty much figured it was my birth control, although I'm going to a hematologist tomorrow to fork over a whole vampire banquet's worth of blood and they'll check for anything else.

It's hard to describe how traumatic the experience has been. I've never been kept in a hospital before. I haven't been to an emergency room since I was a kid. I've never had a CT scan, or been in an ambulance, or even had an IV. And because of covid, I didn't have anyone there (it was dangerous enough if I was exposed, which thank God I wasn't).

When people ask me how I am, I tend to say, "Physically, I'm really good." Because I am. Since I've been on blood thinners, I've genuinely been feeling so much better. Within a week I was back to living normally. When I had a call with my doctor, she said, "If I didn't know better, I would never guess you had a pulmonary embolism, you look great!"

And thank God, okay. Thank God it wasn't worse. Thank God I didn't have a heart attack, or a stroke, and that part of my lungs didn't die, and I didn't just fucking die suddenly. I replay all those possibilities on a near-daily basis, because there was a period of time I was terrified of getting a blood clot because of my birth control and then it happened, and I know it's "bad luck" (literally what they told me at the hospital at one point) but fuck.

An existential crisis becomes very different when you come out of a situation in which you actually could have stopped existing.

And it feels better in some ways - I've put a lot of things in perspective. I've made concentrated efforts to better myself. I've also recognized certain things that are absolutely meaningless. Internet drama that had been a thing I was invested in a week before was suddenly less than nothing. And that's not to say I don't care about the impact it has on others, I still believe those same things, but like, for me? I've written more in the past couple of weeks than I think I had throughout the year and it's literally just what I have wanted to write. I could not care less if people don't like it.

So in some ways it's good.

In other ways, though, I keep having to reframe life around trauma, I have to say, when I start disassociating or freaking out, that this is normal because I am one month out of dealing with a major crisis and I need to let myself adjust (not to say anything about the changes in hormones since I am no longer taking medication I was on for 18 years). I need to give myself a break. I can't just bounce back and it's not fair for me to expect that from myself.

Yeah. It's been A Lot. And if you've gotten this far reading this, I appreciate it, because I had to talk about it more and I had to talk about it somewhere I could just get out all these very, very complicated and frightening feelings. I might talk about it some more. I don't know yet.