#i realize im putting WAY too much thought into this
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genuinely didnt expect to have This much fun drawing some of the hermits as horses but here i am, already sketching a second batch immediately after finishing these ones,
#mcyt#hermitcraft#Docm77#Ethoslab#Goodtimeswithscar#Mumbo Jumbo#Grian#Bdoubleo100#cuteiecreates#doc is the only Not a horse. i couldnt make the goat a horse. i just could not u_u#puts bdubs up on a booster seat. i didnt realize just How small i made him until i slid him up next to doc and choked HE IS SO SHORT . PLEA#anyways yeah im absolutely doing more of these theyre way too fun to draw SDKVJNSKJDBVFDB#i love drawing ponies and this is scratching a Very particular design itch in the back of my head#no thoughts head empty kinds of designs. i love them so much ;_;
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What do you think Odile does for a living? She feels teacher like to me. What do you think she would do post canon?
HMMMM THIS IS GOOD QUESTION…
ive seen a lot of people hc her as a teacher / professor so i!! think that suits her pretty well. specifically as someone who studies + specializes in different types of craft (that would be why shes so proficient in multiple craft spells. also how she was able to figure out the loops stuff, AND to find something that could prevent siffrin from looping back).
post canon i am not sure… i am always torn between how the party would handle things post canon. obviously they would keep travelling for a bit, odile alongside her family without the stress of. constant sadness encounters + a king to kill lol. i think maybe she would get to take her time, reeaally get to know vauguardian culture when not within. a crisis. as was her original intention.
eventually. EVENTUALLY. when the family settles down somewhere (i am a “they all get a big house together” believer lol) she would get back into craft stuff. maybe go back into teaching too—surely people would be eager to hire a saviour. especially though i think it would be neat of her to try looking into wish craft etc, as a long forgotten form of craft. to satisfy her own curiosity, for siffrins sake, or just as a way of preserving the countries culture in whatever ways possible.
#asks#ive never gotten to talk about this before#and its a little unrelated to the odile thoughts so im putting it in the tags#but. surely surely. there must be some group out there dedicated to looking into this. suddenly lost island#no one remembers the country ofc. i bet its hard to even think about. probably difficult to dedicate an entire project to#but you also have to imagine. the day the island disappeared. the effect without anyone realizing why#people from the island. vacationers or visiting family etc. going through some sudden spell of amnesia all at once#and their loved ones + family being equally confused#also the fact that? given bambouches (probable) proximity to the island. that many of these cases wouldve popped up there#what did people think was going on. at the time. did they assume it was a disease?? a curse?#and then forget about the entire ordeal a week later#anyway point is. someone mustve found that suspicious. theres gotta be at least one person#which to me means i find it very likely there could be research gone into it. esp esp since the party members knew about. Some island that#isnt there#anyway anyways im rambling way too much#i think odile should look into wish craft. i think siffrin would appreciate it#if not because. it was a piece of him that was Important#but also to impart the actual Dangers of it to. others#am i making sense i dont know#isat spoilers#anyways oops thats not about odile anymore#lol
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wanna ask how you feel about the eridan bpd headcanon/theory(?? not sure what to call it!) you're so good at your character analysis and i'd love to see your outlook on it
Since I don't have a degree or any formal training in psychology, I feel deeply uncomfortable diagnosing characters. I've made an autism joke before but only because I'm on the spectrum. He's definitely traumatized and anxious, but I mean those as descriptors of his behavior rather than capital-D Diagnoses. I try to focus on those when I can - the cause and effect of cognition, self-image, and behavior - and those factors may very well match up with DSM criteria, but I try not to touch an actual diagnosis with a ten foot pole unless the author has explicitly stated that X character has Y condition.
#there's a variety of reasons for this#part of it is that im GROSSLY unqualified to be handing out diagnoses when it takes a full on PhD to do that in real life#part of it is that psychology is inchoate and we are still very much in murky waters#for example: complex ptsd isn't even IN the DSM yet#and iirc my therapist told me it was because theyre still figuring out how to classify it (attachment disorder? trauma disorder? etc.)#part of it is that (from my limited and undereducated understanding) there are diagnoses that you can assign by completing a checklist...#but some that require a hell of a lot more testing and ruling out other potential causes#and the cluster-b personalities are (IIRC) not even ones you're supposed to diagnose minors with#bc of fears of self fulfilling prophecy and because minors in general are still developing personalities In General#and like the fact that i can't say that with authority speaks to how unqualified i am to do any diagnosing right? hahaha#and part of it is just because like#unless the story is specifically About That and the author has stated so explicitly#i think diagnosing characters tends to put blinders on analysis#like if i were to seriously go 'eridan is autistic' then it would massively bias my reading and understanding of his character#and we have 0 indication that eridan was ever explicitly intended to be autistic or that the author was trying to do an autism specifically#that doesn't mean that the reading is invalid because like thats what death of the author means#all readings are technically valid including stuff the author didn't necessarily intend#but that's just not the way i like to engage with media and not the way i like to approach character analysis#because PERSONALLY it just feels kind of reductive - but also -#i'd wager MOST of us don't have degrees in psychology#so when i say 'X character has Y condition' it might mean something totally different to somebody reading my analysis#even people who have Y condition aren't exempt because a lot of mental illnesses differ from person to person#whereas if i explain “X character has Y thoughts and Z behaviors” there's no ambiguity in that#eridan struggles with noticing that people are suffering and with realizing that he should care#at least part of this is due to his horrific murder-filled upbringing which rendered empathy a detriment & so he learned to ignore it#it could be autism - but it could also be trauma -#or he might just be Like That without actually meeting the diagnostic criteria for autism#& you can't even technically be diagnosed with C-PTSD#or maybe he has a burgeoning personality disorder but you aren't supposed to DX those too early anyway#or maybe hes just 13. see what i mean hahaha. ive reached the 30 tag limit
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God every day I think about Akane’s breakdown in door 3 because there really is no correct way to interpret that and every possibility makes me crazy. Like she sees this fucked up corpse whom Junpei (and the player, depending on how they play) believes is their friend Snake, but she knows that it’s Guy X. It’s a man she very intentionally put in the game for this very purpose, so that he could die horrifically and be displayed for everyone to see. And she has a full mental breakdown over being trapped in this room with the corpse, being trapped by Junpei, to the point where she rips out her hair and starts bleeding from how much she bangs on the door screaming to get out. And fuck, there’s so many possibilities like
Akane could be feeling genuine terror over the sight of the body, and with that remorse. She made this happen, she wanted this to happen, and now she’s forced to quite literally watch the damage she’s caused unfold. She can detach herself from his murder easily in other timelines where she doesn’t have to look at it, and she can sleep easy knowing that her hands are technically clean because she didn’t do the literal killing. But she can’t do that here, and she has to face the fact that not only did she happily cause this death, she failed her mission. She isn’t going to survive, and now this man is dead for nothing and everything is her fault
On the other hand, her entire breakdown could be completely fabricated in order to keep playing the role of the damsel in distress who is so innocent that the very sight of blood drives her to insanity. The interesting part about this is that if she could fake such a horrific breakdown, just how much of her personality a facade? We know she wants revenge, for everyone from Cradle to feel even an ounce of the pain she and so many others went through, but we don’t get to see the extent of how much she feels this way. We never hear directly from Akane about her feelings on any of the original organizers, just her note about her desire to punish them. She hates them, but does she see their deaths as a necessary evil, or does she feel joy and satisfaction at watching them go? It’s absolutely horrifying not knowing, not being able to see her true feelings, not knowing just how real or fake she is, the extent of her madness. Perhaps she doesn’t even know that herself
IN OTHER WORDS, it’s fucked
#zero escape#akane kurashiki#the truth lies somewhere in the middle im sure#but god both possibilities are so tasty#personally i think her reaction is fake to an extent like i think she does feel at least some joy over the murders#shes doing a good deed and ridding the world of evil#but i think that this is a rare moment where she actually thinks for a minute about what shes done and how its fucked#like shes never truly present in the moment she can never fully grasp the severity of the trauma#and i kinda want to believe that this route is a bit unexpected for her#like she had to have known it was a possibility but its entire existence relies on junpei betraying the others#and i think that she was ready to write it off as a rare possibility so she didnt worry about it too much#because the only thing holding junpei back from choosing door 3 is aoi saying that picking it would require leaving people to die#and akane has nothing but her trust that junpei is good and wouldnt do something so horrible to rely on#but then it happens and she cant handle the uncertainty she wasnt ready for ANY of this to happen#not only did junpei betray the others he betrayed HER in so many ways he doesnt realize#he did what he thought was good for june but its exactly the opposite hes not only damned her#but he trapped her in a room with the disgusting corpse that she put there and everything throws her off#and she has to confront that even junpei is unpredictable and is capable of evil and that she herself has fucked up so much#she cant escape this without literally STEPPING INTO the entrails of someone she killed#and its all just too much and she completely loses it#so yeah for me its less a mental breakdown cuz she feels bad for murder#but more a breakdown because shes been betrayed and caught off guard and has a brief realization of how terrifying her actions are#those may sound the same but they arent please guys please :(#as you can see im very normal about this and good god 999 is so fucking good
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contemplating deleting my blog soon I might make a new blog but idk
#.bdo#i just need to work on some insecurity issues is all. been on a long self journey this year#can't shake the feeling that every time i say anything it's wrong somehow#and there is some reality to that. i have been wrong several times I've even been downright mean to people over misunderstandings#i just haven't been able to break out of the habit of feeling permanently embarrassed about every small mistake I've ever made#& old insecurities from my childhood are resurfacing#like when i was a kid/teen and no one would ever tell me when i was breaking social cues but they'd make fun of me behind my back#i have 3200 followers and most of my posts get 0 notes sometimes i get 1-5 so it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong#i end up deleting a lot of them...#almost every post of mine that's gone viral was just a screenshot or picture saved from somewhere else....#and the times that i have gotten attention over a post that stands up for people who aren't like me it makes me terrified#that i look like i'm trying to play a savior role or like i'm virtue signaling#i have a few good mutuals who i love so much and that's why I'm still here#it's also the only social media i use currently#but it does really hurt when i put a lot of thought into something like spending hours making a funny meme or a thoughtful post#just to find out that the only people who find them interesting is my extremely small circle on here if anyone at all#it's so dumb i shouldn't be feeling like this over fucking numbers....it's not even real#i find a little bit of (petty) solace in the fact that there are people on here who are loudly and repeatedly saying way more embarrassing#shit than I've ever said#but even then when i know someone is absolutely wrong it makes me feel nervous like what if im the next person to fuck up that bad#and i find out through public ridicule#well that actually kinda did happen on here once but not on that scale#last year i sent someone something i thought was funny and they sent back an 'ok'#and then immediately made a huge long post about how you shouldn't talk to strangers like you're already friends#called it parasocial behavior...got tens of thousands of notes and i knew it was about me...#i wholeheartedly agree some people go too far with parasocial behavior but i never fully understood what part of what i said/did was wrong#and i went back to feeling like the kid who never found out they were doing something wrong until they heard that they got made fun of#i don't even attempt to make new friends on my own on here anymore because i'm terrified of that happening again#almost all of the people I've become friends with on here came to me first and i love and appreciate them for that#but even then i feel too nervous to socialize that often bc i never find out/realize that i fuck up until later on
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![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/bf0d9f1daed65fc6627104dd091de746/a6fff0dd42137d05-08/s540x810/0dfbf6202bd61f0d9641a43903693257f56aef1d.jpg)
image I.D. below the cut
image description start:
[a promotional picture of Sam and Dean Winchester, Sam on the left and Dean on the right, their images from circa 2010. They both stare challengingly into the camera with their arms crossed, though Dean also holds a large blade. The background is a two lane blacktop with an older style of power line and corn on either side. At the top and bottom are flames. Sam says "im restricting", Dean says "and im bingeing" and the flaming text gif at the bottom reads "the eating disorder brothers.]
image description end.
#theyre both so unwell#grew up in a financially unstable environment and coped opposite ways.#and i left it broad on purpose bc theres a lot of ways you can interpret their weird shit about food#bc i too am deeply unwell i counted every time sam eats on screen (not sits next to a plate of food–actually puts it in his mouth) and its#22 times. less than twice a season. i realize this could be in large part bc jared didnt want to have to act that but im choosing to Believe#not in him but my mentally ill agenda. bc you wanna look at me and say that hes totally normal aboht this when he has a guilt complex#autonomy issues a holdup with purity/cleanliness a boatload of self-loathing and an obsession with control.#and this feels familiar so just message or comment for credit or removal :)#i dont mean to plagiarize#also i didnt talk about it much but. dean definitely sees food as an assurance of safety and turns to it when under duress to the point of#excess. and also gets very specific and protective/territorial about his food.#so.#this is a silly meme but there are so many thoughts behind it#sam winchester#dean winchester#spn#ed mention
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need y'all to realize tme doesn't mean transmasc. tme doesn't even mean afab (and the idea that tma people are attacking tme people for their agab is extremely transmisogynist) a cis man is tme. a cis woman is tme. transneutral people who are afab, amab, and intersex are mostly likely tme. intersex people can be tme or tma. tme just means Transmisogyny exempt. i'm tme. my parents are tme. You are just making it endlessly harder for tma people to talk about their oppression because you think every time they say tme they're attacking transmascs. maybe if you gave a fuck about tma people you wouldn't nitpick their language. just saying.
edit: i deleted my previous edit because i realized i was being stupid as hell.
#transmisogyny#ideal.txt#when i first heard the terms i was also confused and thought it was just a fancy new way of saying afab/amab#but it isnt!#if u put more than two seconds of thought into it you realize its just a tool to talk abt transmisogyny!#if you hate the terms you need to examine why exactly its a problem for you for it to be easier for tma people to talk about#their oppression#i understand if u dont want to put “tme” in your bio. if it feels too much like “afab” to you. i dont like it in my bio either#so i just put transmasc so ppl know im tme anyway!!#and if youre not talking abt transmisogyny or trans topics as a whole then you really dont need it#but if you are its important for people. especially tma people.#to know if your posts are coming from someone who is affected by transmisogyny#it changes the conversation. some things are different to hear from a tma person than a tme person#just like if youre talking about race its best to clarify if you are not someone affected by racism#if i as a white person make a post abt racial topics its very important to anyone reading to know that that is not something#that i have any firsthand experience with. and the way i talk abt things like that would obvious be affected.#anyway sorry for ranting i know this post has definitely been made 500 times before but im very annoyed#tme/tma
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What about sorcerer Adaine? It'd keep the way her parents treated her consistent because of in that case they'd see her having the easy way of casting instead of studying to be a "proper" caster
this is a great idea!! the only reason why I'm not gonna pick it up is bc I've already locked down sorcerer for kristen haha
#not art#(and also someone brought up artificer!adaine and the hackergirl teen movie genre is too good to pass on)#the point abt adaine's parents's attitude is of interest bc like. the thing is they're grooming aelwyn so adaine's lot is set#even if she got into hudol and aced all her classes they would find something to put her down with. bc that's what she's in the family for#sorcerer!adaine I feel like would have somewhat of a similar arc to warlock!adaine? where its like a villain-skirting hunger-for-power stor#but sorcerer!adaine would be a bit heavier on the isolation. while warlock!adaine would be more on the uh. dependence?#Im just spitballin there really since I set on artificer!adaine I havent really thought That much abt other class swaps lol#I just love artificer!adaine so much bc that whole late-90-early-2k genre is sooo about Double Life etc#dork by daylight but dangerous criminal rebel on the webs#the ultimate nerd power fantasy. by knowing how to type u can change the world and kill people#I think there is a chance she'd multiclass into sorcerer later on tho! I can see that in her arc#theres also something abt like how arcanotech is very uh like. material? in a different way than how wizardry is in fh#adaine was still supplied with wizard materials in freshman year (until she killed her dad I assume) but if she got into artificing#that'd be entirely self-provided. and I like what that means for adaine's situation it'd be Great#she'd be like that death note scene with the drawer if it's awesome#I just realized all of my class swap stuff has the same theme of ''what if I make them Way Worse'' lmao#worse as in different and deep issues. worse also as in more annoying (this is awesome to me)#artificer!adaine would be SO cringe and she DESERVES to be as cringe as she wants to be and nobody's judgement holds any meaning#to her anymore. this is my artificer!adaine propaganda based on that movie starring young scarlet johansson idk I never watched it
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unrelated to that rb but im thinking about it and i dont think piper liking jason was ever a forced heteronormativity thing i think she genuinely liked him
#like i relate to her so much cuz like i also like guys and even though at this point in my life im more attracted to girls ive never#considered my guy crushes as 'not knowing i was queer' i think i genuinely liked them#but also the concept of piper not dealing with her internalized amatonormativity hits sooooo hard like i didnt even think of it like that#the fact she moved on from jason so quick too. not that she needs to always feel sad for him but it had to have been like at max 4 months#which isnt to say people cant move on its just for your ex bf dying that seems so quick to me#her turning to romance again to help her problems because its just what shes always been led to believe#especially as a daughter of aphrodite.... wow many thoughts. want to put her in the microwave#in other news i totally admit as cute as her and shel are it was definitely forced as a way to 'show' she was queer#but she didnt need a girl to show she was queer she could hvae just told it honestly. not everyone who finds out theyre queer is immediatel#in a relationship and you dont always need a relationship to realize youre queer#sorry that post got me thinking about other things lol#piper mclean#riordanverse
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i had a dream that i was sorting through old lego to put the sets back together & after i woke up i realized that with some elbow grease and a little luck finding things i could have a lego diorama of a dragon fighting some orcs as part of my decor. thats so cool what the fuck. why dont i have a diorama of a three-headed dragon fighting some orcs
#personal#DONT LET YOUR DREAMS BE DREAMS#the problem (really there are multiple problems but the main one) is where the fuck would i display this#i have too much boring stuff... i need to get rid of some boring stuff so i can have a kickass diorama of a dragon fighting some orcs...#not enough dragons in my house In General actually. im gonna lean back into my love of dragons#child me expected more dragons#also had a brief thought of 'what if i date someone and theyre put off by the lego dragon decor'#and then realized like. actually thats a great way to weed out people i wont get along with long term fhndnfbddb#cant have a healthy relationship if your partner hates all your weird nerd interests#ALSO this is a 'someday when i have my own place' idea but i think a vintage china cabinet could be really cool for displaying stuff#the right style would fit a fantasy vibe really well
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ok i got really distracted but im back now
my writing feels a little rusty but we’re gonna ignore that. and the lack of editing. fuck it we ball
so like. moze is a very poorly socialized crow, right. but he trusts feixiao and jiaoqiu. you know what this makes perfect space for?
ultimate wingmen feixiao and jiaoqiu.
feixiao enjoys your company- she thinks you’re a very excited and endearing little thing. this isn’t your first meeting of course; you’ve met a few times before, just enough for jiaoqiu to notice the way mozes eyes linger on you. so feixiao is chatting with you, asking for details about what you like, telling you stories about being the general on the yaoqing, while moze and jiaoqiu observe from a short distance.
“i still don’t understand why you insist on staying here with me,” says moze in his usual flat tone.
jiaoqiu knows what he means, but chooses to tease him anyway, “what, i can’t keep my dear friend company?”
“aren’t you friends with her too?”
jiaoqiu smiles, “evie? yes, i think she’s friends with everyone she meets. she’s so sweet, i think she could even break through that icy exterior of yours,” the foxian tries to knock on the shadow guards chest for emphasis, but is firmly blocked by his hand.
“i disagree.”
jiaoqiu lets the comment slide as they continue to watch you and the general chat. he knows better, after all. moze typically needs time and exposure to acclimate to new people, but jiaoqiu is a very good doctor. though he’s no psychologist, he knows sometimes all a patient needs is a good push.
“you know, i think she had to be a foxian in her last life.”
moze raises an eyebrow at his friend.
“just look at her! if she had a tail, it’d be wagging nonstop.”
moze says nothing, but jiaoqiu has known moze long enough to know when he’s thinking hard about something.
and thinking hard moze is.
the next time you come up to the general or jiaoqiu to chat, mozes eyes are glued to you, picturing a dark, fluffy tail swishing back and forth with excitement. it’d make the ruffles in your skirts flutter too, he thinks. it could maybe even make the fabric ride up a little in the back-
he finds these thoughts haunting him constantly.
to be beside you and feel soft fur brush against his legs. to be behind you and catch peeks of your upper thighs- he wonders if you wear safety shorts. he wonders if you don’t.
such reprehensible behavior. you would be disgusted if you could read his mind. he can’t get himself to stop- maybe he doesn’t want to. he expects he’ll have to take these fantasies to his grave regardless.
what he doesn’t expect is more. more conversations, more texts, more time, more evie. and he finds himself with so much more evie that these fantasies to become more, too.
if you had a tail, what would make it wag the most? what would make it thump against him with indignation? what would make it puff up in surprise? if he touched you like this, would it thrash around behind you, out of control? how sensitive would it be compared to the rest of you? if he bent you over, would you let him use it to manhandle you on and off his cock while he fucks you relentlessly? would you wrap it around his wrist and cry for him to slow down, to beg him for mercy? would it tighten around him when he denies you, forcing you into orgasm after orgasm, because he knows just how his sweet girl likes it? how would you react if he-
“hello? evie to moze? anyone in there?”
moze is startled out of his thoughts as he feels you tug gently on his sleeve.
“are you okay? i’ve never seen you space out like that before,” you raise a hand slowly to gently feel against his forehead as if checking for a fever.
no. no, he is not okay. it took everything in him not to flinch at your touch because the contact made him realize how excruciatingly hard he is under the table the two of you are sat at. aeons, if the two of you were more secluded he’s not sure he’d be able to keep himself from pushing you halfway up the table and flipping your skirt up to-
“moze? your face is all red and you spaced out again. are you coming down with something? should i call jiaoqiu-?”
“no,” moze swallows thickly, “no, you don’t need to call jiaoqiu. i’m afraid i must take me leave now. i apologize for my abruptness.”
“it’s ok-” but moze is already gone, disappearing into a puff of shadow and crow feathers that flutter into nothingness once they hit the ground, “-oh.”
“did our dear crow fly off from you?” jiaoqiu appears out of nowhere, two boba drinks in hand. his smile cools the flare of disappointment at moze’s sudden retreat.
“uh- yeah, he did. he didn’t look great. i was just about to text you, actually,” you almost cringe at the way the feelings creep into your voice.
“well, i was on my way to bring the general a midday treat, but i suppose this justifies a sudden change in plans.”
“oh, i wouldn’t want to-”
“too late!” jiaoqiu is already seated, placing one drink- conveniently your current favorite- in front of you and shooting off a text to the general, “now, why don’t you tell me how your days been? i can probably think of some embarrassing stories about moze to get him back for leaving so suddenly.”
in his pocket, jiaoqiu’s phone buzzes.
feixiao: this has to be some form of mental harassment…i can’t believe you paid some random girl to walk in his line of sight and swish her tail to see what would happen! incredible work, jiaoqiu. i’ll start brainstorming our next move.
moze: i think i’m dying.
#moevie.#— ⚘( ၴႅၴ lauren!#ultimate wingmen feixiao and jiaoqiu … LAUREN !! i had received your ask as i was still half asleep and genuinely thought there was some hs#theory you were wanting to talk about — NOT !!!! THIS !!! /pos NOT !!!!! MEEEE LOSING MY MIND !!!!!!! I SCANNED THROUGH THIS TO CONFIRM AND#SAW MY NAME AND MY HEART STARTED RACING AAAEEJMSDMKC YOU DID NOT !!!!!! OBLIVIOUS CRUSHING MY MOST BELOVED EVER ))): LAUREN !!!! THANK YOU#SO MUCH !!! omg i hope you don’t mind if i live tag this because sisndkdkk !! talking to feixiao ?! AND SHE THINKS IM ENDEARING ?? I WOULD#GET SO FLUSTERED SHE IS SOOO AWESOME … oh my goodness i don’t want to think about moze even looking my way /pos OR HIM LOOKING ENOUGH FOR#JIAOQIU TO NOTICE …… x0x ‘aren’t you friends with her too?’ MADE ME SO RED IN THE FACE I CANT EXPLAIN WHY BUT LIKE HIM TALKING ABOUT ME ? I#THINK LIKE . TO BE PERCEIVED … IS MAKING ME SO WOBBLY AND RED ISNSNDOXOX i too want to knock on mr moze’s chest T_T#WHHHHAAATSTS THIS IS SOME DEVIOUS PLANNING FROM JIAOQIU AND FEIXIAO ….. THE RUFFLES IN THE SKIRT FLUTTERING ?? FABRIC RIDE UP — ?? LAUUUUREN#SAFETY SHORTS WIENDKCKSNSKSKDKXKKX I WILL LOSE MY LAST LITTLE BIT OF SANITY AT UOU WRITING DOWN HIS EVERY THOUGHT i am bright red in the#face DISGUSTED ? ME ? RED YES !!! DISGUSTED NEVER !!! intrigued 👁️ <- understatement — is pacing her room as she reads this /POS !!!!!#the … yhe more time together ……… lauren you are dangerous /POS i am literally hiding beneath my bedding reading this isnekkxkc and stopping#every sentence to run back here and hide — i mean add tags ^^; THE DIFFERENT WAYS THE TAIL COULD CONVEY EMOTIONS AND WDYM . WDYM IS IT MORE#SENSITIVE . IF HE … IF HE …………… WOULD I LET HIM USE IT TO …… MANHANDLE ……… LAUREN ?/?:!$:&#WRAPPING OIF AROUND HIS WRIST AND AND AND AND AND 🫨😧😵😵😵😵😵😵😵💫😵💫😵💫😵😵😵 OH MY GOSHHHHHHSHHEHEHDJXJXJJDJDJJXJXJJJEJDJDJJX#‘no no he is not okay’ I AM NOT OKAY EITHER LAYREN ?????????????? WHEN YOU …… WHEN YOU SAID ALL THOSE THINGS /POS …….. THE COMTACT MAKING#HIM REALIZE HE IS HARD 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 AND HIS OUTFIT IS ALREADY SO TIGHT — i am going to pass out#iiaoqiu 🥹🥹🥹🥹 i need to be isolated and away from the crow 🥹 <- risk overheating … OH MY GODDDDD LAUREN JSNENDJJDJDJ I CANNOT BELIVE EYOU /PO#/POS YOU !!!!!!! YOU WROTE THIIISJSJSNKSNSJDJXJEJ AND IT IS SO ….. SO SPOT ON TO HOW I WANT OUR FYANMIC TO BE ….. I LOVE YOU SO MYCH )))))):#THANK YOU FOR DOING TJIS FOR ME ?!????????? ))): CAN I PUT IT IN MY MOEVIE MASTERLIST SIENDNXK THIS IS SOOOOOOOOO#I WANT TO REread it AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAUN#TYSM ))))): I HOPE UR PILLOWS ARE ALWAYS COLD AND YOUR SOCKS NEVER GET UNCOMFORTABLY WET AND ALL YOUR DAYS ARE AMAXUNG )):
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[man who is so normal about his ocs voice] fuck this post happy birthday Alex and Rhys
#allen and I made these two & the world theyre from one year ago today!#these two are very dear to me and them + this project are very important to me in a way thats hard to articulate#but alex ended up being all my biggest fears insecurities and wish fulfillment all put into one character#and he helped me realized that Im not stuck being beholden to some fate that was decided for me by someone else#and that the happiness I want in life isnt an easy road but going through hell and back to get it is worth every second#usually around this time of year in general I reflect a lot about where I was this time last year and I wasnt the same person I am now#but these two have made me do that a lot. i wasnt in a good spot when I made alex. and things arent perfect now#but in a way he slowly helped me see all the things I needed to do to start getting better#so yes. i will be silly and get a little cake to celebrate my oc anniversary because in a way this is me celebrating my own healing#i can also get really mushy about how amazing its been to create a story with the love of my life who is equally as passionate about it#and hes so talented and how much I love hearing his thoughts and inputs on things#but Im getting too long winded already and Ill spare the dramatic rambling lmao.#anyway. happy birthday to the most toxic couple of 1994 and may they have many more#cal.txt#cal.png#oc: alex#alex and rhys#sanctified
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im sorry to hear people are stomping all over your boundaries, big props to you for sticking up for yourself and putting your foot down. I hope you're doing ok (/gen)
on another, hopefully happier note, i noticed your info post mentions that you self ship! I'd love to hear about your favourite self ships if you're comfortable talking about them some time?
i actually never did or had interest in this but then haitham waltzed in so hes the first and only one (this whole thing flusters me so its smth i indulge in for myself in private by reading or daydreaming or sometimes i babble and ramble about him very in depth)
(most hkvthm things i draw is just me going 'wish that was me' and drawing it LMFAO)
ohh also same w kaveh but in a slightly different way than haitham (theyre both the only ones) i want them to hold hands. i want them to hold my hands. there
#i dont feel attraction to ppl irl mostly bc im just not comfortable around ppl#and the ones i am are my friends and theres obv no romantic attraction#so when i saw haitham and learned more and mroe of him and how he and i share so many traits and ideas and things it was#instant comfort and the feeling of being understood#that its like#if he was real i would seek out his warmth and presence instead of getting away frm it like with my ex partners when it was too much for me#knowing that he would understand me therefore knowing how to handle me without making me uncomfortable or upset#uhh so basically. he made me realize all i want is just someone who perfetly understands me and knows how to treat me#when to come close and when to give me space#perfectly knowing me and reading me#i cant speak and in the rare moments i am able to im often struggling to form my thoughts into sentences that make sense#so he would still understand and put together that garbled mess and know exactly what i mean#not misunderstanding and acusing me of things or tones i never said or used#ppl and things messed me up quite a bit in the past that im having trouble w lots of things unless im alone#only when im alone i feel truly comfortable and safe bc nothing can hurt or upset me but even then you kinda realize in some moments that#you actually want someone with you but it has to be smn you trust and who knows you inside out and all that#i dont have anyone like that and idk if i ever will but rn this character is jsut rotating in my head giving me these things i crave and#thats enough#sorry that was a lot of gay rambling there but yea idk if it sounds stupid or nah but my#mental health issues got way better and balanced ever since haitham so he really#grounds me and gives me strength and comfort to deal with things i would have be unable to do in the past year#bc even if i dont have smn who truly knows and understands me#inside me there is someone#reply#tags tbd#in case i get embarrassed LMFAO
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I may be failing my plan to not make any isat aus. So there's this guy her name is Euphrasie right. What if I took her and combined what could be 3 separate au concepts into one. And in the process forced myself to go back and reread a bunch of shit to make sure I know how to maximally fuck over this sad wet puppy of a woman
#rat rambles#did I ever actually make a proper isat talking tag? I don't remember but erm#stars posting#anyways dont count on me committing to this au too hard since Im mostly eternal gales brained rn but I am rotating ideas in my head#shes always interested me deeply as what am I if not a sucker for women who are mostly silhouettes of a character#I was mostly just thinking abt other ppls aus where she is also looping and was thinking abt how fucked it be for her in general but also#how much more fucked it would be for her if it was Only her looping#because as far as she would know theres straight up nothing that can be done to fix this and shed be stuck in a hell of what shed be sure#is her own creation#and then I thought to myself. what if she then accidentally did a loop while trying to fix it#and then my brain also said but what if loop was also there#so I did some mental gymnastics to ignore the possible problems and decided to take an extra spin on it and just sorta add her to the main#party by having her have basically wished to be able to help them defeat the king to make things right and her getting dropped earlier#on in the adventure so I can fuck around with potential character dymamics more (cough cough siffrin)#and for the actual loops I think it'd be funny if she could remember just like loop but was fully convinced that she was looping alone#so itd be siffrin and her acting at eachother trying to hide their seperate breakdowns while meamwhile loop is just staring at her with a#whole heap of mixed emotions but mostly the confusion of who the fuck is this guy???????#and sif is just like yeah thats secret. shes a powerful craft user who's craft experiments backfired and fucked up her body. duh.#and loop just Knows that thats not true but they have no real way to bring it up properly without drawing too much suspicious#oh yeah and Im calling her secret for now. in my minds eye shes like constantly putting on different fronts in hopes that one of them will#stick but shes been able to get away with it by playing up her belief in change to a cartoonish degree#shes really trying to be strong and not raise suspicion since she does want mirabelle to be able to learn and grow from this just the same#as her own mirabelle before and just wants to be able to fix the broken wish by being there to defeat the king herself#which she had already convinced herself was the reason the wish broke since she was the one stuck remembering#I should reword it to that probably because saying shes the one looping isnt Wrong but asside from sif not remembering it still entirely#revolved around him she was just the one forced to deal with it without any real way of learning how to fix it#and while she never figured out the entirety of the sif stuff it was always him taking to her that reset the loop#so she has. complicated feelings on him. she doesn't want to be avoidant or distant or to dislike him! and as time goes on she does grow to#like him a lot! but its just. hard to look him in the eye sometimes.#and then theres the horrors of the actual main game starting and the slow but horrifying realization of how badly she fucked up
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fuck
#like idk i never realized just how bad she hurt me. i didnt even rly realize she hurt me at all#bc there are so so so many ways she sldve reacted so much worse. but like i never thought someone cld just straight up ignore it.#like i get the way i told her was dumb and confusing. ok. i can understand that. whatever#but idk. she said she wished my sister had told her years earlier so that she cldve helped her back then#but then suddenly it's different when it's me. suddenly it's 'but youve always been my little girl' and 'oh i dont know that sounds dangerou#s' and 'are you sure?' and 'how long have you felt like this'#well it's been almost 5 fucking years now and it hasnt changed. i havent changed. fuck#i trusted her. i trusted her to be there for me and to support me and to accept me and she threw it back in my face and never even blinked#i can never ever trust her again and she doesnt care. she doesnt even know bc shes so wrapped up in all the fucking lies she tells herself#fuck. she did everything wrong. fuck. i can never fully trust anyone with this part of me again bc of her#and it's awful bc it's such an important part of me. it brings me so much joy and i think on it often and i love myself for it#but it's just simmering in my chest and every time i think of letting it hit air again i freeze bc i thought it was safe once and it WASNT.#i wanted to get my name changed before high school. i wanted to start the medical process. i wanted all the thing i thought shed do for me.#my wants and my understanding of my identity has changed now but it still hurts.#it hurts so bad to see other ppl my age get all of that and to have the support of their family and to not be afraid to put a name to it all#im happy for them. but it's so awful hearing her point those ppl out w no self awareness like oh thats so good for them isnt that sweet#I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU COULD BE DOING ALL OF THAT! I NEEDED YOU TO BE THAT FOR ME!#and every time she does acknowledge it she gets it completely wrong or it's just to bemoan how little she understands#'oh everyones changing their name now its so confusing' 'im really trying i dont know what else you want from me' NO YOURE NOT! YOURE NOT!#YOUVE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TRY. NOT FOR ME.#you never fucking loved me you loved the idea of what you thought i would be and you cant fucking let it go even when the truth is staring#you dead in the face. fuck. you complain about how i 'hate you' or 'think youre stupid' well maybw treat me with an ounce of respect and act#like you understand the things youve EXPLICITLY BEEN TOLD. even a little.#but honestly it's too late. if she were to suddenly have a change of heart now i wouldnt give a damn.#the damage is done you dont get to have this part of me and act like youre such a good and supportive mother.#i cant even say i hate her. i love her but shes hurt me more than anyone else ever has and i can never trust her to actually love me or even#fucking see me or support anything about me that actually matters to me#i dont know. i dont know. thinking about it again.#ive thought abt telling my dad. not bc it wld do any good but bc ik he values honesty and maybe hed throw me a 'damn that sucks'#my sister said this is something i have to fight on but she doesnt get it. i have no ground to stand on as far as shes concerned
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solemn vow to never be complacent or meek around things i feel strongly about again — to at least start the conversation even if i don’t have the words to talk back exactly to a poisonous idea — in kind, to pick up the thread if someone else does the same — tired of letting evil shit unfold —
#honestly this mostly only happens because of my disability which. i've been dreaming/reading about navigating that in ways feel better#or else because im scared of violence as a trans woman but i’m sick of fear of violence making me passive#rarely because i got scared in the crosshairs of financial insecurity and feared losing work#but that is what im parsing this time and very determined not to let that happen ever again#cuz like. having the supposed 'non-action' of passivity even available to you is a privilege of whiteness#in this case it was taking a creative-side gig on a play that felt very clear the playwright had given very little if any consideration#to nonwhite perspectives like clearly by a white person thinking about a white audience kinda liberal politics#and i took it bc my friend's mentor was directing and she put us in touch and spoke highly of him#and she's indigenous and very willing to call out white bullshit so i had some hope/trust that he would push it more#and he........ did at least cast a latino actor in the one role that would have made the play horrifically racist#if it had been cast as a white person but that felt like doing the absolute least to me#im still very much figuring this world out#understanding the ethics of theater work and im glad i did this in that regard#cuz like. i didn't fully realize that my only real chance to make a creative + ethical statement was right out the gate in accepting the gi#as an SM like... there's really no other chance to have an opinion so i should not take work if the script doesn't align w my ethics#and use that rejection as a chance to make it clear what's fucked up#...if i even ever SM again that was the most stressful gig i've ever done and i didn't even get paid for it. fuck#sorry for writing half the post in the tags. if ur reading this ur too close >O< jk haaiiii thx for reading my diary#very much a 'i am thinking through these concepts still and ur welcome to share ur thoughts on them' kinda post
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