#i ramble so much i'm sorry
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I saw in one of your posts that you were in college and wanted to ask how you set aside time to write?
I'm currently in my third year and have been considering to write but rarely have time, only on weekends after work or during break.
Sorry if this is too personal. Please ignore if it makes you uncomfortable ❤️
hi, there! no worries, it isn't too personal :)
like a friend once told me, it's good to take breaks and do something to get your mind off things. so, i usually set time aside to write at night after lectures and work!
i totally understand that! i actually wanted to write for so long, but decided against it during my senior year since i was swamped with assignments and trying to get extra credit 😭
you can write within your own time. don't feel forced to push out works every few days. trust me, most writers usually have busy schedules, and i'm sure they'd tell you the same thing
you do you! remember, writing is for fun. just jotting down ideas during your free time, or even writing small drabbles during lunch is a good way to see what works for you
everyone is different, so i'm not sure what to exactly say (i'm sorry), but maybe set aside time at night if you're able to? you don't have to write a full fic in one night, just work piece by piece every day when you have the time!
i hope this answers your ask, anonnie! if you have any more questions, feel free to send another message to my inbox :)
take care 🤍
#i ramble so much i'm sorry#i hope this makes sense#good luck anonnie 🫶#make sure to take breaks and take care of yourself 🤍
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Ultimately the resolution of Jason and Cass fights comes down to the fact that while he has his own ideals that don't mesh with the bats, Jason can be flexible. DC skipped the whole reconciliation with the family but while he's willing to kill it's generally a means to an end to him, not the whole entire point unless you're talking about Joker. Meanwhile for Cass the question of killing vs not killing is dead serious to her which means any time they're working together and things start going off track it's like:
Jason: Look if we kill this guy we send a message to his boss which makes it easier for us to negotiate with him from a position of power and I just think that-
Cass, snatching one of his guns and pointing it at her own head: Go on, pull the trigger. Kill him. Kill me. Go tell Batman that you let his daughter die to make a negotiation easier. He already let you die so no problem right? You think we should die? You think our life only worthwhile as part of a plan, just because we're killers? Are we doomed? Are we rotten to the core with no hope of redemption? Go on then, kill us and kill part of your soul alongside it. You clearly don't care for it so why are you even trying? Kill yourself along with us, come on Jason let's all just die right?
Jason, slowly backing away: I think you may be projecting a tiny bit so just. Calm down before I call the suicide hotline please.
Cass, slowly lowering the gun and knocking the random henchman unconscious: Yeah that's what I thought, fucking pussy.
Jason: Mm yeah you know what I hate you actually. Fuck this mission I'll just shoot you right now if you're going to be this annoying about it.
Jason, explaining things later to Dick: So I just kept shooting at her until I ran out of bullets and we both calmed down enough to call a truce. We tracked the guy down and didn't kill anyone but I did blow up the batplane just as a last minute screw you. Is she always this uh... intense?
Dick: Yeah, one time I broke up with Barbara and she threw me out a window. She's just like that.
#dc#cassandra cain#jason todd#batfam#dc rambles#dick grayson#it's so funny how jason is like. a mass murderer. and yet he's more of a team player than cass#like yeah he's violent and unpredictable but if you're on the same team with the same temporary goal then you've got decent chances#meanwhile the entire team could be seconds away from dying with the only solution being to kill a guy with a bomb#and if you're on the team with cass she'll spend the last few seconds punching you in the face for trying to kill the evil guy#then disarming the bomb because she's just that annoying#I love her very much <3#i'm jason posting a lot recently sorry jtodd stans for clogging up his tag#I just like the thought of jason dealing with a mini bruce that has none of the baggage of being his dad#so it's just the experience of ramming his head into an annoying brick wall with zero catharsis of confronting your shitty father
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as someone who has experienced abuse from someone with a personality disorder, it's actually incredibly easy to not dehumanize everyone with a personality disorder. i've seen people do borderline eugenic rhetoric surrounding people who have npd, aspd, bpd or other personality disorders, and then be like "I'M allowed to say these things because i'm a survivor, and if you disagree you are hurting abuse victims."
and frankly? i'm tired of it. as an abuse survivor i'm here to say that you're NOT allowed to turn into a fucking eugenicist the moment you're hurt by someone with a personality disorder.
does hurting and belittling other people who happen to have the same disorder as your abuser, people that are already suffering and that are already looked down on by society, bring you any healing? does it bring you peace?
Being hurt by someone isn't an excuse to hurt others that you feel justified in lashing out on. you're literally in control of your own actions,
you may claim to be making a safe space for abuse survivors, but i will never feel any solidarity with you, and i ESPECIALLY don't feel safe with you considering i might have a personality disorder.
you are excluding a large amount of abuse survivors in the name of "advocacy". a lot of people with personality disorders developed one or multiple due to heavy abuse. in the aim of creating a safe space, you are excluding the ones who need a safe space the most.
#npd#aspd#bpd#avpd#ocpd#hpd#spd#ppd#dpd#stpd#trauma#abuse mention#ableism#abuse survivor#i'm sorry this is so rambly i'm tired AAAAAA#i wish i was better at articulating my points bc i have so much to say on this😔#i've felt this for awhile but felt to make this after seeing a particularly bad post that claimed everybody with npd and/or aspd is a-#-monster who can't feel emotions and only gets joy out of abusing others#if you think THAT'S bad i'm leaving out MANY details from the post that i don't want to get into#personality disorder#max speaks
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Transformers Reverse Mini-Bang 2024 (@tf-bigbang) is finally here!!💥💥 Here is my piece, featuring Minimus and Ravage on a mission on a frozen planet. It's quite eventful!
Please go read @icypolargirl78 's wonderful fic Dead and Melting Ice!!!
((Close-ups below cut <3))
#transformers#maccadam#tf big bang#tf big bang 2024#tfrb2024#my art#mtmte#tf idw#tf ravage#tf minimus ambus#ravage#minimus ambus#I'll ramble in the tags for a sec#I'm actually so proud of this aa#it's been a while since I put this much effort into an art piece#and even longer since I've painted something#or done a proper background lol#I think Mims and Ravage turned out great too tbh#I'm a little obsessed sorry
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ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:
i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???
#ramble#sorry i'm currently in a phase of 'of course this happened' and 'oh i deserve this because i didn't give him what he wanted'#like he knew i was grey ace since the start. and he let it go on for SO long after i said i might be vaguely aro as well#if that's a dealbreaker for you bc of your love language then FINE but NIP IT IN THE BUD#he said he put it off because he didn't want to hurt my feelings but it only hurt me MORE#like you're an adult. grow the fuck up and communicate like one#holding your negative feelings in hoping somebody notices you're hiding them is what TEENAGERS do#and also i told him VERBATIM: i didn't think anyone would ever love me because i'm not comfortable with xyz. and he just confirmed that#idk i still feel like i'm being selfish because how could i expect someone to be in a relationship with me when i can't give them anything#also tmi but it's not like we did NOTHING. we still held hands/cuddled/were close. he just didn't have his tongue down my throat anymore#so obviously i'm assuming by 'missing affection' he just meant sex and as an ace person that just fucking sucks#also oh my god i HATED how much he would imply we were going to have sex. i would have to keep SAYING 'i don't like doing this'#he always spoke like it was inevitably going to happen and it didn't click how GROSS i felt about it until recently#also ALSO not to go there but i never told him WHY i struggle with it (it's sensory issues)#and like. what if something had happened to me that made it hard for me and i just wasn't ready to tell him. and then he did this#again sorry to overshare this is still just a lot for me and i have no idea if i'm being unreasonable#if you're ace and in a relationship please let me know bc i'm starting to think it'll end this way every single time
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winged insect—funeral pyre
#sleep token#vessel#vessel sleep token#sleep token vessel#sleep token fanart#take me back to eden#tmbte#artists on tumblr#i haven't drawn since june#i struggle with my art so much it slowly destroys me#but i finally enjoyed drawing something#tmbte lives rent free in my head forever#the first time i listened to that song i broke down on the bus#in the last two years people tried to drag me down so hard#and i almost did go down#i lost each and every friend i had#(friend break ups are so brutal jesus)#but rn i think i finally stepped on the path of healing#and i try to do what i love again#so maybe this is me biting back in anger#but hey i wouldn't have seen sleep token if i'm with them still#SO the budapest ritual??#that i've seen with my own two eyeballs??#and heard with my own two ears??#and felt in my very bones??#broke me snapped me in half folded me up and then put me back together#(sorry for the rambly tags have a vessel and a bug <3)
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Idk man I just think that mizu/ena5 and its progression was really beautiful actually. I just think that the release of the ena5 song was also really beautiful and kind of the nail in the coffin for me and I haven't been able to get the event(s) out of my head all week and that I kind of want to talk about it, actually.
It's about being hurt so deeply and continuously that any kindness that could be offered to you manages to feel like a sin, that it makes you crumble and shatter but for all the wrong reasons, not because of the newfound safety, not out of relief, but something worse and more deeply ingrained in you than kindness ever was. It's about carefully measuring the distance at which you keep others away from yourself, to ensure that it never happens again ("To save yourself the trouble", if that makes it easier).
It's about realizing that the people you've been spending all this time with are drifting closer, that they just might bump up against the unsightly parts of yourself that you've tried to keep locked away, it's about turning around and sprinting at full speed and slamming the door shut and holding onto the handle behind you to stop it from turning, because you're as frightened of the possibility of another wound being inflicted on you as you are of the possibility that kinder, gentler hands will reach out and smooth over the exposed scar. It's about hating eyes that judge and silently condemn you as much as you hate eyes that simply see you and take all of you in without scrutiny, because no matter what they're looking and they're looking at you and they know that your hand's on that door handle and they know that you're hiding something because, as much as you try to keep it shut, they've seen through the crack that you foolishly left open.
(The prominence of eyes in Bake no Hana, specifically eyes looking and searching, and finally landing on you, the viewer, Mizuki, is so fucking. Visceral in my opinion. Every character in the MV stares at the viewer in a deadpan, almost judging way. Even though Mizuki knows deep down that niigo won't really hate them, won't judge them, she just can't stand their kindness either; any gaze directed at her is a loss, another prick in their skin. It screams "don't look at me" while making sure that you know, with horrific certainty, that they're looking for you, that you're being watched. You can't go outside, can't leave your room, because they're searching for you, and while that should be reassuring, to you it's anything but).
It's about not wanting to be dissected, whether it's with hands that want to pull your organs apart or stitch them back together because no matter what they're there, and they're getting frighteningly close to your heart. It's about blinding yourself and covering your eyes to it all because seeing means exposure and exposure means they're taking something from you and you can't do anything about it, much less take it all back, much less have a say in the matter. Everyone's just taking and taking and taking and you wish you could just be alone. You wish everyone would just disappear and you could live in a world all to yourself, for only yourself (but is that really what you want?).
It's about the way that, near the beginning of the Yoka ni Mitoreta MV, Mizuki and her loneliness is represented as a dark, splotchy stain in the shadows. No colors, no patterns, no way to clean it or wash it all away, just raw ugliness marring a blank canvas. It's about the way that Ena reaches out to it anyway, the way she startles when the glass shatters just when she finally starts reaching forward, the way that the rest of the MV/song represents her searching for and reaching only further out to Mizuki, even if the broken shards of glass will only cut her fingers, potentially leaving scars.
It's about how, in every way, subtly, directly, consciously, and subconsciously, Ena shows that she fucking cares.
It's about the way that Ena lets Mizuki have autonomy, despite the situation being so horribly out of their control. And it's such a delicate thing: If she really wants to, Mizuki can take the opportunity to just run away, keep running forever, repeat the cycle over and over, and maybe she'll just destroy herself with it again, but it can't be denied that it's something important to them, something she can't quite live without just yet, their means of survival. Mizuki's autonomy is their identity, it's her tailoring her own clothes and choosing her own ribbons and styling her own hair the way she does. Ena letting them have that is as much about trust as it is about understanding that Mizuki of all people should have this right, when control was something stripped from her throughout so much of her life. She couldn't control how she was born, how people look at her or why, can't control what they think of her; lacking control has only left Mizuki vulnerable to the cruelties of others, has only caused them to suffer, which is why it's so important that it's given to them now.
She had the control to make the choice to see niigo's welcoming love and run away instead of staying, and she has the control to make the choice now whether she wants to keep things the way they are or take a step forward to be at their side again. She has every right to have it, and I think the fact that Ena realizes and respects that, even if it's subconsciously, is really beautiful (there is an entire fucking Verse about this in the new song and just. God Look at this. It's so caring, unconditional, and for fucking What. I think there is something to be said about how much Ena is willing to put aside for Mizuki, and maybe deep down it isn't healthy, but for now I'm just kind of in awe)
It's about how insanely patient Ena has been this whole time. Mizuki says that she basically lied to Ena's face about telling her their secret, even after Ena said with such conviction that she would wait for Mizuki as long as it takes, and Ena is just kept waiting and waiting and worrying like this seemingly indefinitely. It's about how Mizuki danced around it, avoided it, kept the distance, straight up ran when she was finally pushed, but Ena still chased anyway when she saw that she couldn't wait anymore, kept chasing just enough to intervene and get a straight answer out of Mizuki when she really needed to, but still leaving her enough space to leave if that was truly what she wanted. It's about how relieved Ena is the moment that Mizuki finally says outright how much they want to be with her and niigo, how much she wants to try, how much more light Ena's voice sounds when she grabs her hand, relieved, the way that the relief she feels can be felt through the music, throughout the entirety of Yoka ni Mitoreta, the way that warm colors always follow her when she chases after Mizuki, just to hold onto her and stop her from running away completely.
It's about how that careful combination of Ena's directness, Ena's persistence, Ena's warmth, her patience, her bluntness about her feelings, the way she chases and holds on but not too tight and her regard for how unsafe and exposed Mizuki feels actually works and breaks it all down. It's about how she really did reach through to Mizuki, despite the thorns and broken glass shards and nearly-unfulfilled promises, the way that Mizuki did finally let her turn the door handle and step through to see what she'd been hiding all this time, the way that Mizuki's hand, limp, when Ena first grabs onto it, shifts to hold hers back as they cry in the face of Ena's gentleness.
Despite how harsh Mizu/Ena5, and even Ena herself as a character can be (or at least was in the very beginning of pjsk), everything is somehow gentle and warm in the end, blindingly so. And you know what, I think that's beautiful. And what's even more beautiful than that is how Mizuki allows themself to crumble and shatter under that kindness, that warm light, but this time, finally, out of relief.
On a final note, I just want to say that I also appreciate how all that didn't have to solve everything. The scars haven't disappeared, haven't gone away, and Mizuki knows that their desire to run hasn't gone away forever, and maybe it never truly will. But for now they've calmed it, at least a little. She's learning to allow herself to be seen, learning that when someone's fingertips brush over their scars the way Ena's did that it's only out of care, and that maybe taking in that care and allowing herself to feel kindness and safety is okay. They're safe, for now, somehow. They're learning. They're trying. And I think that's cool :)
#txt#pjsk#project sekai#mizuki akiyama#akiyama mizuki#ena5#ena shinonome#shinonome ena#25 ji nightcord de#niigo#n25#mizuena#i'll tag it for the shippers too bc why not they'll enjoy this#closing my eyes and hitting post because on one hand i want to keep editing this because it's a mess but if i spend another minute on this#I Will explode#physically i have moved on mentally i am still staring at that damn card on my monitor while the music swells and mizuki is wailing out#that damn image has like actually rearranged my brain chemistry it's not even funny#i'm so fucking weak for this specific character dynamic/relationship yeah it might be cliche yeah i'm lame whatever#but like. FUCKKKK THEY DID IT SO WELL. THIS IS ACTUALLY INSANE. they put so much care into mizuki as a character it's crazy#oh mizuki. i hope you find peace and happiness.#i hope you look around you and the people you've surrounded yourself with one day and realize that you've found safety#anyways yeah sorry this is incomprehensible nonsense also sorry if the pronouns were confusing i hc she/they for mizuki#y'know partway through writing this i half considered turning this around into a fic but like. nahhhhh. tumblr text word vomit it is#sorry about the *checks* 1.4K word text ramble. but thanks for reading if you got here B))
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I don't want to complain, but these kind of asks really get on my nerves. Sorry it takes a long time for me to make a comic. I will announce it if I decide to be finished with GiSA.
#sorry for being an overdramatic bird#sometimes it's just the last straw#but I'm really fortunate#I get so much positive response to my art#my ramblings
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Rook: I'm really worried about Davrin and Lucanis, they keep arguing with one another... Its very bad Varric, what if it effects them in battle?
Varric, remembering that one time Fenris broke Ander's nose then took a knife in the back for him in the same night: I'm sure they'll be fine kid. They're barely even arguing if you ask me
#dragon age#dav spoilers#sorry its so funny to me#varric hearing the veilguard talk about their problems like adults instead of fucking/drinking/fighting their way out of it:#'wow my kirkwall friends really were fucked up losers huh:#'* whoops#i wish veilguard cast was a little bit toxic... i need them to be mean#lucanis should hate me so much more for choosing minrathous over treviso#i was counting on the yummy character drama...#he does trust rook a little bit less cause of it though so ill take that#i do feel bad about treviso im already planning a crow rook to save it and romance lucanis#sorry to compare these two to fenris and anders again i just think its funny#they should let me stick anders in the middle of the lighthouse#his sheer inability to cope with shit in a healthy way would be like setting off another bomb#someone tries to applogize and anders starts on his Bullshit you know what I'm talking about#can you guys tell i miss him. hes so bad at coping babygirl come back to me...#crow rambles
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Tamarack the "I'll stand up for what's important to you and be on your side no matter what"
#sorry I fell asleep and hibernated for two weeks... but I'm back with more tamarack propaganda!#kinda surprised that I don't have more tamarack propagandas here. she's on my head so much I was worried that my bias for her is too showin#our life#our life now and forever#gb patch#tamarack baumann#olnf#olnf rambles#tamarack rambles
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Can you tell who my favorite character is right now...
#I LOVE HIM#RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#sorry guys I really love luciel too but zagan is like#sorry I#exactly my type of everything idfk#it's. the#his.#uhhhmmmmmmm#wowie...#I have been drawing him a LOT......#I have other drawings of him too but uh#I DIDNT WANT THERE TO BE TOO MANY HAHAHAH#I wanted just the highest caliber#the peak#the best of the best#only the top#the cream of the crop#AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU#fuck I wanna make his comic so bad so I can draw him 1 million times#I also love luciel but luciel is more contextual okay#in the context of the comic I actually like luciel more...?#cause theyre fucking NICE okay#zagan is an asshole hes like extremely a bad person#but for illustrations#and little animations....#fuuuuuuuck aha.........#anyways I'm not gonna tag this one much other than rambles cause it's just reposting my art#also it would be rlly funny if people were like WHAT IS HE FROM#like from my fucking brain I'm sorry#you cant read the comic yet IM SORRY IM SORRY
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Just imagining S.C.R.E.A.M putting you a choke hold as he puts you on his steal lap. Metal fingers playing with your sex dipping into your hole whispering in your ear about how it's a shame he doesn't have anything to play with you with other then these rough fingers. He's telling you all about how he'd appreciate some upgrades. Maybe some synthetic skin? The one's that'll make him feel almost human. Maybe he'll beg for a sex bot cock. The urge fill you up insurmountable. You whimper telling him that'll never be approved.
He sneers getting rougher... Almost painfully so. You'll make it happen... Oh you will definitely make it happen. If you don't "Danny" will just have to make an anonymous report about a technician using an android for their own sick pleasure. He's sure he can get your spend to coat his hands. Maybe get another maintainer to notice it and report you also. Don't you want this job? Don't you need this job? Don't you love this job? Don't you love him?
S.C.R.E.A.M loves you, why are you denying him? Why won't you let him show you truly how he feels. His efforts redoubling feeling you squirm against his touch trying to pull away. Naughty naughty tech. Let your S.C.R.E.A.M unit love you don't you want to be promoted to ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛?
#dead by daylight#dbd x reader#android x reader#robot x reader#dbd killer x reader#dbdkillerxreader#dbd#drabble#scream x reader#slasher x reader#the ghost face x reader#danny johnson x reader#x reader#S.C.R.E.A.M unit#Android!AU#I'm sorry about not posting as much I have been busy trying to get my medical care and IDs squared away before January#tw: noncon#tw: blackmail#i have so many thoughts#so many filthy thoughts about so many of the killers as androids#fishy is rambling#smut
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Actual footage of Tony trying to talk to Kelsey this episode:
Now what I personally need is for her to despise him for a while then for them to have some big heart to heart and them to become best friends OKAY I'm very invested in what's become of their dynamic and I'm all here for "Punished" Tony the wet cat that he is I yield the rest of my time thank you.
#dndads#the peachyville horror#dndads spoilers#tony collette#okay now to ramble in the tags LOL#Ik we're all staring at Francis rn but yeah I need to talk about how much I loved Tony and Kelsey in this one lmao#I'm a big fan of how Tony's escaping the hospital scene read like a stray cat trying to escape the pound sbshjssjsk#not intentional just how it felt to me lmao#sorry everything that happens to Tony is just funnier when you remember that he used to be a fucking cat idk#Also love that Freddie was fucking up all his rolls and Matt was making all (or almost all) of his#we love when the dice tell a narrative yes we do#Kelsey was just such a badass I support everything she does#The old lady act was so funny Hermie would have appreciated her game#ok ok just wanted to ramble a little bit lol maybe more thoughts later#dungeons and daddies#dndads s3 ep 7#kelsey grammar
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2024 Abu Dhabi GP
#max verstappen#autumn posts#and of course Alain Prost!!#this moment is very much me thirsting tho 😵💫#his chesttt his hips his hair looking so BLONDE in the sun!!!!#🫠💫✨#sorry all the spam this morning!!#also I usually don't give too much thought to follower counts on tumblr dot com#folks should make the space they like!! follow and unfollow freely#but I did loose a couple folks and I wonder if it was all the asks ahhh#like definitely if someone is looking for f1 content then random factoids about this Texas gal are Not interesting hehe#but I'm trying to open up a bit more!#I even had some thoughts on Daniel I deleted ahh still trying to figure out where to blog about heavier stuff but probs not on main#this blog is more to escape the real world and bite Max's lovehandles in my mind#with maybe the occational ask game!!#but I'll probs keep my writing on the other blog and my heavier feelings in the old diary...idk figuring it out but its not that serious too#just rambling before work!!#but anyways!! 2025 year of being more open#if you are reading this then hello 😶🌫️ btw ricciardo133 is my fanfic writing space#I'll be waxing poetic about my Max and Daniel feelings there#and yearning over this man's hips and tummy and thighs my goshhhhh#😵💫❤️✨#anyways!!!#hope its an excellent time of day wherever you may be 🌇🏙️🌃#mentally I'll be here 😵💫😵💫😵💫
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while I see the appeal of izuku calling kacchan katsuki I think if he does katsuki should be allowed to burst into tears immediately
#am I not kacchan anymore? what did I do wrong? do you not love kacchan anymore? I'm sorry#coming from kacchan bakugou at this point they're too far gone they can absolutely never go back#there's not the same history between deku and kacchan#and even deku - the name - wasn't really hated by Izuku anymore. katsuki chose to stop calling him that because he wanted to do better#(because Izuku deserves better. also because Izuku feels so much nicer on his tongue)#but kacchan? they both like calling him that and being called that. katsuki loves being kacchan he claims very loudly being kacchan#and of course. never complained about being called kacchan by kaminari#anyways I'm reading fanfic#not me saying you can't have izuku call kacchan katsuki in your fics and have it be a good thing!#but for me I think it'll always be kacchan#anyways. I 'need to write fic#mha#mad mha ramblings//#bkdk#bnha
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what do you mean youre technically a detransitioner cause of terf bullshit?
it's a v long story but i detransitioned for a couple of years when i was 16/17, for multiple reasons but mostly because i fell into the blaire white/kalvin garrah chamber of "you have to be This way to be trans otherwise you're not real".
i was already Deeply insecure about myself and my 'passing' and i was led to believe that i couldn't want to wear makeup or skirts, and i couldn't choose not to have bottom surgery, and i couldn't do anything but bind for 12+ hours a day to the point that my ribcage is still misshapen. basically i thought that if i wasn't suffering enough doing 'feminine' things, i couldn't really be trans, so i should just go back to being a girl and suck it up.
the terf bullshit is because i'd seen a lot of terfs/detransitioners talking about the 'dangers' of testosterone and how it would turn me into a horrible ugly evil monster and how there was nothing worse than wanting to be a man. which combined with 'you need to fully medically transition to be valid at all' creates some very dangerous and upsetting feelings to cope with.
it also came from trying really hard to put myself in a little box before i realised that my sexuality/gender are very fluid and it's FINE for me not to have a label and just do whatever i want. when i was 19 or so i went back to using they/them (and eventually he/him) and changed my name again because even though i like doing 'feminine' things, i don't want to be seen as a woman.
tldr: i was conditioned by transphobic/terf rhetorics to think that i was being trans the 'wrong' way so i couldn't be trans at all, so i believed i must actually be a girl if i still wanted to do 'feminine' things. nowadays i am a transmasc who does feminine things because i don't give two shits about what any transmed prick thinks of me anymore.
#ramble#ok to reblog btw i'm fine with this being shared#this was meant to be a short version but this is just the whole story whoops#sorry i realised the way i phrased it sounded like i'm the detrans you see in the news#i'm Technically a detransitioner because a lot of detrans stats are people who go on to RETRANSITION#because detransition is often because of social stigma and not because you realised you weren't trans#so anyway. terfs are cancer and if you don't think their bs is harming children you're wrong#i know it's easy to say 'you should've used your brain and realised those people were wrong'#but like. when you're 16 you're SO impressionable. even if you think you aren't#especially when you're watching people who have been transitioning longer than you and you assume they know everything#i was in my mid-late teens when 'transtrender' videos were MASSIVE and i believed it!!! and i was Not nice about those people#all they made me believe was that being trans couldn't be colourful and comfy and fun. it just had to be Pain#i hope everyone who contributed to the 'you need to be this way to be trans' mindset knows how much hurt they've caused#nowadays i don't care. go and be stargender. we have actual problems to deal with not debates about neopronouns#anyway this was long. that's the story
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