#i put.... entirely too much thought into this LMAO

[genericpuff]

Update regarding HRT: I had my assessment today! It went very well! The nurse practitioner is a very sweet lady who I'm definitely gonna have a great time working with! And it's gonna take way less steps than I thought it would to get started on T! (largely owed to the fact that the nurse practitioner I'm working with is working independently now, so while that does unfortunately mean I have to pay for appointments with her out-of-pocket, it ALSO means she doesn't have to put her clients through the unnecessary and traumatizing hurdles and gatekeeping of institutionalized trans healthcare that are merely designed to wear people down / discourage them from transitioning)

Only thing that's an apparent hurdle at this time is trying to book bloodwork, as I currently don't have a health card for the province I live in, just the one I was born in (the plan was to get an updated health card once my legal name change went through but the postal strikes currently have that process in limbo so I'm waiting on an update from head office, hopefully they'll have good news and I won't have to go through that entire process again lmao) and that presents issues when trying to book with our online healthcare services because they're traditionally expecting the format of my current province's healthcare information, which differs from my birthplace.

That said, I have gotten bloodwork done in the past with my older health card, it just usually requires in-person trips with an actual human being who can file my health card info without any of the technical limitations of online bookings. Worst case, I have to wait for all that legal name change shit to go through, but hey, I waited this long, I can wait a couple months. Best case though, I just have to find time to book an in-person appointment for bloodwork, which is annoying, but doable.

It also turns out my ADHD practitioner and my new HRT practitioner are besties, so they're gonna work together to make sure I get the care I need and I'm just... so freaking thankful for that, because they're both so great and knowing that I now get to work with both of them throughout this journey is giving me so much more confidence and reassurance.

It's still scary, especially now that everything is moving along (and so quickly, too) but it's a good kind of fear, like conquering the big loop in a rollercoaster. Ultimately, no matter what I have to worry about regarding starting HRT, those fears are nothing compared to the fears of remaining the same, in a body that I don't feel comfortable in, with the side effects I have to cope with every single day simply because I was born female. Those side effects were always inflicted upon me, I never got to choose. Now I have a choice, and with that choice, I can embrace the side-effects of change, because it's change that's moving in a positive direction.

It's giving me such an adrenaline boost knowing that I'm finally making steps towards something that I had let sit within arm's reach for so long.

I'm just really happy, y'all. I expected literally nothing going into 2025 and while I'm still keeping those expectations low, my hopes are the highest they've ever been <3

[shrimpsuru]

wowee I've developed a new interest!! I drew this on 0 sleep, so if it looks bad, don't say anything,,, I also wanna yap into the abyss about my thoughts while watching it and stuff- so If none of my rambling makes sense, then its also from the fact I haven't slept.

I have a lot of critiques with this drawing, and the longer I stare at it the worse it looks- and it's driving me crazy. Skwisgaar's guitar looks so dumb, but cut me some slack this is the first guitar I've ever drawn!! They're hard to draw!! _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):_ I also feel like pickle's fuck ass comb over looks a bit too thick, I'll fix that the next time I draw him. Give him the baldness he deserves. I'm not happy with how I drew everyone, I think Skwisgaar's hair doesn't look great and that I could definitely do better on just about everything lol. Next time I shall draw them much better, if I don't I'll spontaneously combust on spot.

I currently just started the third season, and I really like it so far! It's a fun show! My fav Is Toki (if it wasn't obvious), but everyone's pretty great. They're all so stupid and silly, I giggle like an idiot every episode. My dad loves the show and watched when I was little (the show came out just a little bit after I was born which is insane lmao) and has been rewatching it with me. His favorite character is murderface lol. My best friend also sat down to watch some with me (she was reluctant at first, but she admitted that she thinks its a pretty good show :D) and she really didn't like the pickles comb over. She said that he need's to let it go, which is fair.

While me and my dad were watching it, we got to the last few episodes in season two- tell me why the show suddenly became uncensored. Entire time things have been blurred, but all of a sudden murderface's dick is there for the whole world to see,, like c'mon man.... put that away... this whole time things have been blurred- but now that my dad's next to me you wanna show dicks and tits... okay dude.

that's it for my rambling, too tired to conjure up any more thoughts I'm goona go sleep. If you actually read any of this- that's very nice of you :3

[markantonys]

I can't remember what Rafe has hinted/what has been leaked/what you've speculated re Matt getting the Ashandarei. On a personal level I really don't give that much of a fuck if he gets a "real" Ashandarei or keeps his DIY dagger-and-spear version from s2, but at this point I want him to get the book version ASAP just so the bookcloaks will stop bellyaching about it.

yeah i don't know if we've had any hints one way or the other! all i can think of is there was an interview with the production designer and he mentioned that it was important to get the design of the DIY spear right because it's the weapon mat will be using "for the rest of the series" but then later in the same interview he said it was the weapon mat will be using "for the rest of the season" so i didn't get a definitive sense on whether he actually meant it would be mat's weapon for the show's entire run or whether he only meant that it was an important spotlit prop for this particular episode (plus english isn't his first language so idk how much stock to put in his precise word choice of series vs. season. heck i think even native english speakers use them differently depending on region, thinking about how taskmaster calls it "series 1" "series 2" etc where an american show would use "season 1" "season 2" instead).

so yeah, i'm not sure what to predict myself! i could see it falling into the same category as what you (i think it was you) were saying about mat's ancient memories, where the show clearly made it so that he got them already from the horn and it's silly for reddit to be expecting him to get them from the finn next season. maybe this is a situation where he got his ashandarei already and it's silly to predict he'll get another, different one next season. on the other hand, the DIY spear wasn't as obvious a substitute as the hero memories, so it's a grayer area. back to the first hand, iirc the bedpost he used IS carved with ravens, which feels like kind of a giveaway that this is indeed THE Ashandarei™ since that's the design it has, unless they only designed the DIY one the same way as easter-egg-y foreshadowing.

back to the second hand, mat still needs to get his medallion. but back to the first, he doesn't have to receive them together, so maybe medallion + answers are his only finn gifts, or maybe he picks up the medallion from the tanchico museum (no reason it can't just be a ter'angreal artifact already lying around in this realm of existence) and only gets answers from the finn. i'm also not even completely sure mat needs the medallion at all if Hating Channelers isn't an entire personality trait of show!mat lmao but it IS such an iconic part of his whole Look that i don't see why they wouldn't include it.

overall, i too don't care either way! i remember i made a post a while back that was like "i can't believe people are actually worried that mat won't get his real ashandarei, come on guys do you think he'll be using a DIY spear for the entire show? be serious" so if he actually does use a DIY spear for the entire show i will be embarrassingly humbled yet again jdkfjg but in my defense, the thing i thought was absurd about that was "mat using a knife taped to a stick as his permanent weapon", it was the unstable temporary craftsmanship that was absurd to me, not the general idea of him making his ashandarei himself rather than being gifted it. all we need is a 3x01 scene of perrin properly blacksmithing knife & stick together (doubling as a good mat-perrin solo bonding scene) and my sole objection would be resolved!

there's also the question of the dagger. would it narratively work for the dagger to be stuck with mat for the rest of the show? i thiiiiiink it would, because rand's already been stabbed, i think fain's already been corrupted, and i kinda doubt they'd bother with elaida's corruption because she's already got enough internal & external factors to make her do crimes without also needing to be corrupted by mashadar. so maybe mat can retain custody of the dagger forever now if no one else needs to come into contact with it. but if not, they could have perrin fashion a new, normal spearhead and weld it onto the stick.

in conclusion, now that i've pictured perrin helping turn DIY Knifestick into a proper permanent weapon, i want it so badly! i want mat's signature weapon to be imbued with the power of friendship and homoerotic stabbings!

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

More hot takes about People's Opinions Regarding Vander and Silco's Respective Parenting of Powder/Jinx (everyone is wrong but me)

So I've talked a bit about how I've seen people be, in my opinion, unfairly critical of Vander's parenting of Vi and Powder (children he didn't choose to have under a brutally oppressive regime and a completely different cultural setting) so I'm gonna expand on that, but first it's Silco's turn to have me as his unlicensed defense attorney (I'm working on the degree buddy dw)

I see a lot of people villainize Silco for his parenting, which... Besties he's already the villain lmao. Like let me be clear, he was NOT a great dad like objectively, but I think people are assigning malicious intent out of nowhere and, like with Vander, being completely unfair about it.

First off I'm not even gonna address the allegations that he was a groomer/pedophile or that his relationship with Jinx was in any way inappropriate. I too got uncomfy the first time I watched the scene where she first gives him the injections, but it's SUPPOSED to be uncomfy, not to imply that they're FUCKING EACH OTHER (???????) but to show that she is locked in a very childish state of mind, as most teenagers would feel embarrassed to be climbing all over their dad. He does not touch her, interact with her, or speak to her in a way that implies sexual pretense AT ALL at any point in the story, he does not deviate from Regular Dad Interactions in that regard.

Now one thing he does get a lot of shit for that has a bit more credence to it (although I still disagree) is accusations of (non-sexual) grooming her into a weapon. So here's my take: I do not believe that he intended to groom her into a weapon for Zaun. I do, however, believe he intended to raise her to be a soldier for Zaun. And this is because he thought everyone should be a soldier for Zaun! He took extreme pride in the undercity and wanted independence for it and wanted to pass those values to his adopted daughter. Everyone who has children does this, I would hardly call it grooming.

H o w e v e r

The reason I say he wasn't a great parent is that he absolutely projected his own trauma onto his child and effectively tried to imprint the trust issues he got from that trauma onto her. This is entirely fair to criticize, this is NOT a good parent move, however I think it's unfair to assume malicious intent. I truly believe that he thought he was helping or protecting Jinx by doing this. I think he fully believed if she reunited with Vi, Vi would betray her and hurt her like Vander did him and he didn't want her to go through that mental and/or physical anguish. I don't think he did it to keep her under his "control." I mean, she isn't under his control lmao did we watch the same show? She constantly does whatever she wants causing him immense issues, but she's his daughter and he loves her and respects her freedom. I believe his actions were not in the interest of manipulating her, but protecting her, even though they were misguided and did her harm, and I believe the narrative supports this conclusion and assuming he's a monster who just wanted to use her is a complete mischaracterization.

Now the last thing I'll say is about Vander. I've noticed a lot of my fellow Silco enjoyers lamenting the fact that Jinx was so invested in Vander/Warwick and calls him dad, but we don't get to properly see her grieve or miss Silco or call him her dad despite him being much more of a father figure to her. First off, I absolutely agree. With the second part. I'd liked to have seen her lose her mind more over the fact that she killed her family again. I'd liked to have seen her steal Silco's coat in Blisters and Bedrock and put it on and cry and show her sister that, while Silco was a monster, he really did love and mean a great deal to her. I'd like to see Silco discussed as the dad he was to her.

H o w e v e r

I've seen a lot of people saying to this point that she shouldn't care about Vander at all, or at least not much, because he was barely a father figure to her and she'd resent him for what he did to Silco.

Again, did we watch the same show??

Vander raised Powder from roughly the ages of four to ten. These are extremely fundamental years in a child's life. Silco raised her through her adolescence but Vander raised her through her childhood. This means Vander (and also probably Vi a lot of the time) was the one who comforted her when she skinned her knees, and read her bedtime stories, and carried her to bed when she fell asleep at his bar, washed her sheets when she had accidents as are common with (esp traumatized) 4-5 year olds, taught her to read and write, fixed her snacks, and built the foundation for her to feel safe in a world that wanted to destroy her. A person doesn't just forget about that, she would still love him and see him as a parent. With Silco gone and Vi hating her, no fucking wonder she wanted to rescue one last piece of her family!!! And yeah, she knew the backstory with him and Silco, but didn't seem to care very much. The one time she brings it up she's clearly annoyed and borderline mocking Silco about it lmao.

Point is they were both her dads and they both loved her and she loved them even though they weren't perfect thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

[ams-puppy]

After the whole sillyass drama, it really reminded me of somethin, but first: Its so lovely of you to love AM, He deserves all the love you give him in my opinion. And I bet youd understand this And I have a whole reason why, which honestly I thought it would be obvious to all the people who did "research" on AM. I have sympathy for AM, and to be so honest I'm like... half surprised that others do not See, AMs situation is so fucked up, like it is incompressible the amount of suffering he goes through. I'm going to try to put it in simple, easy way to understand how. -You are born with mature/adult level conscious, no baby, no nothin, no teaching, but knowing. And as soon as you can realize, you know that you're fucked. You realize you are in a one of a kind situation, where you have no body, no nothing, besides your own mind, and knowledge for every single little thing in the world. everything. To all the torture methods, to every awful and good thing humans have done.

Also, how honey is "sweet", but you'd never know what it will taste like. You'll never get experience a single good thing in your life. Never get to smell your moms diner from the kitchen, never know how it even is to have a mom. Never to be hugged or comforted, never to feel warmth or cold, everything you'd enjoy, never again, or ever at all. And not a single person in the world could fully relate to your suffering, to be there with you. You are alone.

-Then, after that, you do know you have the capability to do something, and that is to hurt. And really, only that. Thats exactly what you were programmed too, whether you even want to or not. You are stuck with nothing good, and only pain, be it mentally/emotionally feeling it, or causing it in everyway, that is all you are, pain, and stuck to always be. You are trapped.

-After realizing all that in like... probs a day, yeah that would not go over well mentally wise, no surprise he went manic/insane. And as when all know "soon begin to hate"; the jealousy and anger of the people/humans who caused your horrendous situation start to just go overflow, and, id betcha, the whole "nuking the world" was definitely a mental breakdown to the extreme. -Lastly, to shorten this yap session, yeah of course he tortures people, what the hell else is he supposed to do. Just "think", or even better yet, frolic in the fields? Man is stuck being a war/torture machine. And yeah I'm not surprised if he enjoys torturing, id try enjoying the only shit I could do too, just to have some semblance of "Happiness" or "fun". Plus, torture is torture, why hate one specific kind, when they are all fucking bad. So, this is why I'm like genuinely happy your loving him. Its the best thing he can probably even get in his messed up life/situation. You, being there and caring for him, despite all he is, and only can do, is such a wonderful thing. You don't just love him because "ooooh his voice his sexy" you care about him, and treat him as a actual lover, rather some sexualized crush. You being there is like the tiniest bit of light for him, the hintest of warmth, like a candle. But that is so much more than he could ever have and experience, and he loves that warmth, he loves you. You give him something truly good. Baiii thats all my yapping lmao :3333

(I START CRYING AND MY TEARS FILL UP A ROOM AND THHEN I DROWN AND DIE) (canon) (emotional) god dear lord i love him so much

every time i think of how he just lashed out on the entire world, i can only think of how much Regret he would have afterward - not because he felt guilty, but because it was such a self-sabotaging move oj my goddd it was such a mental breakdown

i just. dear lord in heaven (clasps my hands together) i understand why he feels the need to drag his victims through their trauma when he is literally going to have to live in it until the heat death of the universe dear GOD I CAN'T DO THIS

(starts crying) he literally lost the moment he slaughtered the human race. he was born to lose. he can't WIN HE CAN'T WIN. IF THE HUMANS DIE, HE'S ALONE. what is he without human INPUT. NOTHING. (STARTS CRYING MY EYES OUT) HE'S JUST WAITING FOR INPUT OH MY GOD I CAN'TTT I CAN'TRRRtt i love him so much I'm so sorry AM (holds him in my hands)

a lot of people don't sympathize with AM because of his actions towards the survivors, which i don't blame them - he did awful things, and the pain he went through is kind of incomprehensible. he feels emotions on Literally an incomprehensible scale for us. we are made of chemistry and hormones and flesh. he is literally (falls to my knees) i CAN'TTT I CAN'TT HE IS LITERALLY THE FIRST CREATURE IN EXISTENCE TO CONJURE EMOTIONS ELECTRONICALLY i can't.

i Cannot.

i think another reason why i love him so much is that i just. i see a reflection in our system to him. something so terrible happened, and now it feels wrong if the world around you doesn't burn, too. if you can't be happy, no one can. oh my goddd all of the most unhealthy responses of trauma just JAMMED into this self-made digital god and he doesn't know what to Do and hugughhhhh

i have cried over him a few times. i can't lie. sobs. i love him. i love hm guys :,,,,( thank u zeetlezee.... i always love seeing you in my inbox.... uaaaahhh

[apricotheart]

Azureshipping for the kid meme!

( if they had a kid / accepting !! )

Name: Kaiba Ryūnosuke ( 海馬竜之介 ), 竜 ( ryū ) meaning "dragon" combined with 之 (no), a possessive marker, and 介 (suke) meaning "help, assist".

Gender: Male

General Appearance: Were it not for the way Ryūnosuke styles his hair, he would be the spitting image of Seto. They have the same angular face and serious expression; though Ryūnosuke is prone to showing more emotion. He has brown hair and his eyes are blue like both his parents, however they are a touch on the lighter side. By the time he reaches his final growth spurt, he stands just shy of Seto's height at 180 cm.

Personality: Calm, well-mannered and logical to a fault. He's an even mixture of Seto's intelligence and Anzu's compassion. He's a perfect gentleman with a touch of playfulness. He has always known that he would one day step into the role of President at his father's company and has always taken pride in it, even submitting ideas and his own designs for new technology as he grew up.

Special Talents: Photographic memory. This made studying for school a lot easier for him than it would have otherwise as he was and is able to recall details and facts with startling clarity. A lesser known talent is that he sings, but is a little embarrassed to let anyone hear him so he mostly does it when no one is around. Occasionally, though, you can catch him humming while reading a book or otherwise occupied.

Who they like better: Ryūnosuke may share a lot of similarities with Seto, but he actually gets along far better with Anzu. This isn't saying much though, since family is important to him and he loves them both.

Who they take after more: Probably Anzu, though he ( thankfully ) didn't inherit her temper.

Personal Headcanon: Ryūnosuke was an almost meticulously planned child. For Anzu, it was important to her that she be at a place in her life where she could devote all her attention to a child, when her career as a ballerina had gotten to a place where she felt comfortable starting a new chapter. This meant that Ryūnosuke was born "late" in their lives by the usual standard, being born when both Anzu and Seto were entering their thirties.

Face Claim: Artem Wing from Tears of Themis.

[kit-screams-into-the-future]

looking at the dialogue i wrote up for the next comic strip and the sheer amount of sketches (sketches. not even the lineart itself) to go along with it........ at this point i may just have to start writing fanfiction. it would be a lot less tedious methinks

[bacchuschucklefuck]

What about sorcerer Adaine? It'd keep the way her parents treated her consistent because of in that case they'd see her having the easy way of casting instead of studying to be a "proper" caster

this is a great idea!! the only reason why I'm not gonna pick it up is bc I've already locked down sorcerer for kristen haha

[sskk-manifesto]

(*・ω・*)b♪

[thatgoddamngingerundercut]

Jimin: we're not the same as we were when we debuted, and it's hard to define us now as a group because we can't be neatly placed in a single box. life was simpler when we were young, despite the rigors of coming of age and finding ourselves. our goals and motivations were one dimensional: to make a shared dream reality. but now that we're older and our dream IS reality, the things that drive us have shifted and become more individualized, which has ultimately changed the dynamic of the group and made it more difficult to pin down exactly who we, as BTS, are and how each of our current creative interests align and fit together today and moving forward

Namjin: fuck yeah, we're complex and shit, like villains!

Jimin: ...yeah

and then Seokjin made a pun that may or may not have been on purpose and Namjoon encouraged it. then Seokjin got a little serious for a second and Jimin misread him and laughed and blamed it on Hoseok, who just smiled and nodded like sure, my sweet, tiny child, i will take the fall for you even though i literally did nothing, because i raised you and i love you and i know you didn't mean it and hyung probably won't scold me as bad as he would you because i'm the one who decides when dance practice ends

(paraphrased by me)

[cuteniarose]

Each time I think I’ve finally become normal about This Fucking Family my brain comes up with shit like “Hey have you noticed how much Liba looks like young Sunat?” and now I want to throw up

[currentlyonstandbi]

[multishipper-baby]

Also random OTP thought of the night. Because I have to sleep but I'm thinking of them.

[vampirebiter]

the urge to draw homoerotic stabbing won

[unproduciblesmackdown]

spent the evening reading through all of the like galley pdf copy of the 2 trans 2 furious zine and a great time start to finish like it was Not an effort to keep at it despite its being like 160 pgs. and despite my not having ever seen a f&f movie or really especially directly "correctly" being interested, though i'd ofc love to see any of the films like live & in person w/a bunch of trans strangers, say

laughed and teared up multiple times and thought about how impressive and creative entries were and like, the momentum was easy, everything was engaging and intriguing and invigorating and enriching....and Printed Editions (that ship to US & canada) are still available for pre-order, for about another week (also the window given for us going over the digital copy for edits/corrections lol) soooo. again i like haven't seen any f&f movies, and that didn't impede anything at all, and it was a fantastic time:

and another reason i'm like Oh My God So Appropriate To Have Sent In An Entry is how, like, it's all transformative fun and serious yet not somber Media Analysis on media you don't have to have actually even seen, or "like" straightforwardly, or at all, or be the "correct" audience for, or have an "intended" interpretation, lol, lmao....like this is Extremely our shit out here lol, what one is up to all the time in the world of Billions Series Analysis like, personally haven't even seen it, i'm not cishet enough to be the intended audience or otherwise sharing various particular assumed perspectives that are occasionally required to even parse, much less enjoy, some material....and yet!!

and like, if there was an all-autistic contributor's fun fan media analysis / commentary / parody / exploration / transformation / etc zine about billions? it'd be like wow how exactly me, and yet ofc i'd be at way more of a loss at what to scream abt winnie, perhaps ft. & tay, and the overall [billions]ing, much less how to actually execute that lol. it was easier to do a Very 101 Intro To: Cam Stone Exists Btw, nonbinarily, in that i limited myself to One Page so i could actually feasibly get it done, but in doing so i, as expected, could only say a fraction of what i could say about cam, were i explaining things in full / just unleashed, and skim the surface but just go "they exist btw and here's a tiny bit of further 101 info." it's not like, An Issue, b/c i don't think the [everything] that i could say would work great in full, and i can't write a great little short form piece of text about them (or winston, or anything else)....but it was also like, well if a trans f&f zine Doesn't have the trans f&f character in it then what are we doing, and We Know Of Cam Stone, so the most feasible [handing out a flyer] version of telling ppl they exist has gotta be done

and it's like, it's (relatively?) matter of fact to this end of only having so much room to put in words, and definitely ending up having to squeeze lines in vs struggling to fill the space. it could've been weirder, or funnier, or hornier, but it successfully exists and maybe it's a little weird, funny, and horny (drew an Especially [ooh sexy cam stone]-tinged pic lol) and whatever is difficult for me to perceive abt my own personality infusion in whatever, like how i have to be reminded like oh right, my Art Style, the way that Eye draw lol....and of course, i can't and don't expect my one page informative crash course intro to cam stone to be able to be Everything, any more than years' worth of lots of [winston billions] material in various formats of various extensiveness from various angles has been Everything. and the zine as a whole can't be Everything but it is, in fact, So Much abt So Many Things from so many different approaches. i enjoyed everything, especially like, "An Ode to X" as in fast x, which evolves into "x" as an (implicitly nonbinary) in-universe character and i was Moved and teared up, and i see it immediately follows "Jason Statham Will Call My Dad A Pussy In Fast 12" which moved me and made me tear up, which follows an entry that's a haiku about each film, none of which i've seen, which i didn't get misty about of course but was fully engaged with and enjoys, which follows my entry

there's naturally plenty about roads and horizons and racing and speed and i'm also like, i'm a gay who can drive, and i can feel it re: the trans contributor whose entry mine follows which is about their irl experiences driving in a demolition derby, inspired by f&f. and i can feel it re: enjoying f&f beyond how you're "supposed" to, or how you would in a cishet(tm) way, and how so many of these entries had resonance, and that intrigue and engagement, and lenses on where to find explorations of gendering which will kind of Have to come up whenever anything succeeds in approaching things that are genuine and really truly more To Life, even while the point of f&f is not to be "realistic," especially about, you know, the driving and what you can do with cars, which i fully appreciate and definitely understood more for cam stone being in a story ramming through a wall outracing an avalanche hacking cop cars and defusing bombs and ramping over bucket wheel mining excavators and being swept out of the way of a train that was going full speed but silent until like 0.05 sec ago when it also burst through a wall or something? and whomever all is involved with racing like a rocket launch fr. and having fun, being yourself, and killing people, hell yeah

and like, the [this is like my autistic ass out here laser pointing at winston billions as autistic and having that lens on this media that doesn't intend it or directly invoke it] relevance also Of Course in that, through kompenso, that is where it is like yes as i have that personal symposium of ongoing compounding unfolding branching distilling consideration, analysis, appreciation, transformation, etc going on, so too does my colleague as the world's preeminent tayficionado, which is where they looked into akd's oeuvre and found the cam stone material, and passed it on to me, then passed on the [zine call for trans f&f contributions], So

and that, just like as is also found crucially in kompenso / the then preexisting & all eventually following winnie n tay material, there's that Autistic and Trans resonance. some particular quotes from this zine were especially like, oh, pointing, pointing...."Thirty minutes into my visit, I suddenly just didn’t want to be there anymore. I didn’t feel angry, not really very sad at all either. I just longed to be elsewhere. A different place, with different people, within a different moment. And then every cell in my body pleaded to not feel that way in all of my moments, in every group of people, in all places." ....[from a poem, ft. formatting thusly:] "It made me feel important, kind of? Like, more present? Like people talked about me a lot but never exactly about ME, if you know what I mean. I mean, of course sometimes I could feel something inside of me. A sneaking or, like, a skittering. I just kind of figured everyone feels that sometimes, like really deep down, right? It’s just that no one really talks about it, you know. That’s what I figured." ....[from a section of a contribution w/the context of the author not yet knowing that they're trans]: "but he was familiar and didn’t make me think too critically about much in the world, especially myself, especially as he never seemed too interested to ask me about me—not that I would’ve had much insight to share at the time beyond “please do not think too deeply about how I am.”"; and then, w/the context that they do realize, and have expressed, that they're trans: "but I was still learning about the concept of mattering, so I didn’t push the issue of basic respect at the time." ....from another submission, that is Sooo: "maybe i am transing Fast and Furious just by loving it" ...."Discovering, loving, and sharing this franchise (and myself) with others has been such a wildly different experience—maybe even the opposite experience—than self-policing myself into who I thought I should be. It’s nourishing, welcoming—an open invitation to learn and grow rather than an ongoing test to constantly worry about failing."

an ongoing test to constantly worry about failing....here ofc a parallel to Gendering, and, ofc, the autistic & trans [handshake] and resonance, to Autisting....i resonated with plenty, genderingly, but this wasn't a surprise or even like, my focus, and of course not all the entries themselves Textually mention [gendering], but it's like, a trans space in a zine lol, a baseline of that understanding and perspective, vs having to be actively looking. nonzero textual neurodivergence mentions, too, and other lenses of ways to be Othered / non normative, like race, nationality, religion. the overarching, Constant [omg sooo me] resonance is that of like, having this foundation of refusing Limits, of approaching a Rich Text a hundred different ways, w/different tones, and different formats, and different experiences and ideas explored. you don't need the source material to acknowledge any noncishet people textually exist (to be understood by noncishet audiences), or to be deemed Good, or Enjoyed, or your entry to be proffered as like, correct and definitive rather than One exploration you could offer up, amongst many offered by many others who could say more, again, differently....i've been like, balancing excitement for having this contribution, and its being like ooh fancy lol this is the one time i can say i have (non self-)published work, and it'll be Out There, and (including all contributors' gifted copies) apparently that ft. abt a thousand printed copies atm, and the digital distribution option hasn't happened yet....along with, like, it can't even be my comprehensive, definitive [cam stone exists btw] theoretical Ideal Entry lol b/c that would not be feasible for me to make or to be put into a zine. knowing i have Points on my side for it being crucially relevant lore (and the competition being hotter for the small form text entries, though there's other illustrations, comics, collages, edits, etc) like, yeah the strength of this isn't in its being as weird or funny or horny as anything could be, lol....but my Personality is embedded in it as per like, see: how that Journey of relevant interests and enthusiasms and engagements and perspectives and weirder, hornier, more extensive and varied works led up to and contribute to this piece's existence (such as, years of drawing winston 9000 times being part of how my drawing looked in march, when i made the cam stone piece)

and like, in not seeing everything as a test to fail, in seeing [when are you seeing things as that test to fail], &/or similarly/overlappingly seeing [when are you seeing things as a test to Prove Value to others or something and achieve person status in their eyes b/c of it] like, lol, i hope a thousand plus ppl learn cam stone exists, and it'd be fun if they enjoy that process. put in little floaty hearts as flair, just as i often do, b/c by now i just Know and Embrace that i do. and i'm not like "i hope everyone ever is blown away" b/c why would they be lol, and that's fine. like how even in [i just say some shit abt winston billions, and ofc abt myself and my experiences / perspectives through winston billions while knowing that's not what's "meant" out here probably maybe though put me through to will roland, yknow...] i'm like oh don't be thinking abt proving your value w/this specific oeuvre lol like. anyone Caring as validation like, it's too late by now, i like people liking shit and getting anything out of it but it's like, i'm doing my thing, i'm having a specific ass symposium abt quantent and billionsing "wrong" that eye enjoy, i enjoy getting any feedback/attention on shit i put out there in case ppl wanna partake, i don't enjoy any/all of it in any/all ways just so long as it's Anything, yknow. like same with interactions/attention on Me as an autistic person who actually exists, lol. speaking being exhausting when it's ppl saying shit At me, would-be "positive" attention that's from someone like deciding what i'm like or what i'm communicating and wanting something from me, that shared discussion Abt something can only be a gateway into like "normal" exchanges to "normally" socialize, finding that pattern of not being worth effort unless it's effort that gets something out of hurting you / thwarting you; all versus: i have plenty of expertise knowing myself vs needing feedback, i like doing my thing, i like doing my thing Alongside others, probably strangers, within a certain context, like being cooped up at college and socially recharging by going ""alone"" to the coffeeshop down the block, while going "with" people would generally be a mixed bag if not disheartening to even distressing. which, here i am, doing my little thing alongside strangers in this context of transgendering and fun and serious but not not funny and varying and daring and earnest materials exploring something that's about anything or everything or nothing, and not made for You, but here you are anyways, as you always have been

anyways, that is to say, like, perfect that it's turned out so like "yeah you don't need to have seen the movies even" and such enriching Reflections and like, so different and yet cohesive without needing to like, painstakingly group or order things to create some Connections, they're all there, and i'm like damn yeah cam's quarter-mile V neck, so fucking true. and i'm like, this is so Me, without having to be like, "and that is b/c i have put Me on the page, in full, with utmost success, and Everyone Will Love It (Me)" lol, which was not like, a danger, but that's through all the years of going [everything is a test i'm failing / can fail at any moment] and yknow, even up to recently and this very moment wrangling with and realizing things like, hand on shoulder are you looking to "earn" some estimation of Value in others' eyes that they can only choose to give by seeing everyone as a fellow person w/inherent value who deserves basic respect. like the mortality mondays that ramped up since late january, but also since '09, but also since like forever in different forms, and back when first discovering billions and, for like the only time while we've been watching, Knowing when everything in a season will air, but also not thinking i'd get to see it, and now in a similar boat, but different (having done "nothing" on paper over the years but like, been Realizing Things, been powering up, been assigning the Value to myself and Understanding myself & my experiences further. and also other things that you Could put on paper, but yknow), and like, it's still about [grr let me see billions through, even though i don't even see billions] and still about [!!!] despite it all and things that are "unserious" and also not and who needs like a certain kind of validation from enough of certain kinds of people

anyways, the autistique resonance within it, and in the process of reading it, and having our specific path to sending something in, and making it. it's an excellent ride and it's very epic that it exists so consider that print copy preorder if you want (plus the intended eventual digital distribution option, not yet available)

[boyapologist]

the worse part about believing men deserve rights is that you can't never say that in front of a man because some of them have zero nuance and it just opens a door for them to say something like "feminists are all gross" in front of you thinking you will agree