#i probably found this meme text so hilarious

[wastedpurity]

The summer I turned sixteen

All of these photos are from the last time Venus retrograded in Leo

I finally was kissed and went on my first date and got my license

It is still a moment I look back on fondly

And now that I am farther from the situation, seven years specifically, I think I may have had a crush on my best friend

But it was sweet and very on par for my eleventh house Virgo Venus

Then—it was just life and feeling

[llamagoddessofficial]

this is probably already been asked before, but how would the boys be in a long distance relationship?

I don't think I've ever actually done this one before!

Sans: He'd be really good at an LDR. This is the meme king himself, after all. The fact that he can just teleport to come see you aside, he doesn't desperately need physical affection like the others. He's definitely cuddly with those he loves, and he would miss you a lot, but he's also alright with having his own space. You guys can just be bored together on calls. He's absolutely hilarious over text, the kind of guy you would start messaging only to look up at the clock and realise you've been talking to him for four hours straight.

He likes texting, and he's always laughing at your messages, but video calling is his favourite. He wants to see your face, even if you're both doing absolutely nothing.

Red: An LDR would be really good for him.

Red has a habit of using physical intimacy like a shield. He avoids addressing his real feelings, he covers up uncomfortable moments with touching or flirting. In an LDR, he has to acknowledge his feelings... both to you, and himself, or things just won't work. Texting gives him time to relax and gather his thoughts, plan his responses, navigate complicated feelings before speaking. Talking over the phone means he can hide his face and get little more confident at being affectionate in a romantic way. He gets better at putting things into words, and by the time the two of you do see each other in person, he's already overcome a lot of the emotional hurdles he otherwise would've stumbled at.

At the start of the LDR he'll prefer texting, since chatting to you can make his voice crack. But as time goes on he defaults to calling.

Skull: Surprisingly, he could manage! It varies wildly, though, depending on whether or not he's met you in person before.

If he's met you in person before the relationship becomes long distance, his biggest struggle is missing you being around. He isn't great at teleporting and it frustrates him that he can't go see you. He texts you almost constantly throughout the day, about random stupid stuff. Sometimes single word messages; 'snail?' with an attached picture of a snail he found in his garden.

If he hasn't met you in person, he has a lot of self esteem issues and self doubt. He feels like he's fooled you into being in a relationship with a thing like him. What if one day you meet in person? He's so much more intimidating in person. Will you really want to stay with him once you see how off-putting his mannerisms can be? Once you understand how broken and clingy he is? (Please let him know ASAP that big scary guys are your type)

He prefers to text. Calling is hard, hearing your voice makes him feel so much better, but he struggles so much with speech and he doesn't want you to feel pressured to do all the talking. Video calling makes him far too emotional, it's just not the same.

[terramythos]

Anyway here's my breakdown of the ffxiv jobs, my opinions on playing each, and the tier rank of how good their story was

TANKS

WARRIOR - warrior is so fucking funny why did they make it able to solo heal itself and the entire party in 90% of the content in the game. Raw Intuition/Bloodwhetting is so broken in dungeons its hilarious. And then they have like 3 additional healing skills on top of that. And they kept buffing it throughout Endwalker. So it is currently the easiest to play, does the most damage (i think...?), and has the best healing of any of the Tank jobs. 2nd fave probably.

Story Tier: C, it's ok, Curious Gorge is a good name. i have like nothing to say about it it's a generic AF story

PALADIN - I used to hate PLD but I think the partial rework they got halfway through Endwalker helped it a lot. It's much less clunky now. Probably still my least favorite Tank though Hallowed Ground is fun and it's pretty close to Gunbreaker for me.

Story Tier: F, this is the worst class storyline in the entire game. It's so stupid. The writing is so bad the writers acknowledge it makes no sense at all and I'm like. Yeah, thanks, I am experiencing this shit. Perhaps write a story that makes sense next time instead of pointing that out.

DARK KNIGHT - Unfortunately this is my favorite Tank 🫡 which is rough since it has the worst survivability out of any of them. But I love how you use MP and the silly number of OGCDs. The Blackest Night is such a fun ability and it's a crime that it's not a baseline skill you get from the start. Why do they have so many DRs that only cover magic damage. I must ask.

Story Tier: S, there's a reason it's the most popular and well regarded class storyline. It's really good, also the only questline I know of that uses the quest log text as part of the narrative. Outside maybe a few of the very late Endwalker quests. And, well... same writer lmao

GUNBREAKER: I think GNB looks cool as fuck and I like that it has 2 DPS rotations. The Gnashing Fang combo is so fun. Superbolide memes are always fun. My main issue with it is a skill issue because I am just constantly misaligning its burst windows.

Story Tier: C. It has some interesting lore but I found it pretty forgettable as a story.

HEALERS

WHITE MAGE: I hated White Mage for a while but something clicked and now I totally get it. I find it fun in dungeons cause you get to Holy spam and stun lock everything. As uh. The healer. That's fun. Once you get Afflatus heals (and then Afflatus Misery) it clicks. It's fun maximizing damage and playing chicken with the tank's HP.

Story Tier: B, you get a lot of lore around the Padjal, and I think the Stormblood story where you find a padjal living in hiding with her mother is pretty good! Also it's not technically the job storyline but there's a WHM side quest to get a unicorn mount? i guess it's technically a CNJ quest but same diff. no one else gets that shit. so that's cool

SCHOLAR: probably my least favorite of the healers... it just feels super clunky. You can tell a bunch of different design philosophies went into it over the years and none of them mesh very well. They've made it so the Fairy Gauge controls literally one spell. Why have the gauge at all? It's also a huge missed opportunity that there's no tie in or interaction with the fae in Shadowbringers. I love the idea of a battle tactician healer but I think it needs a rework.

Story Tier: B+, I liked the characters and its the main way to get backstory and lore on what happened with Nym.

ASTROLOGIAN: While I think AST has a similar issue to SCH (lots of different design philosophies over the years) I find it way more fun to play. I like the card mechanic and how it interacts with the rest of the party. AST is basically the only job that has its own like. Minigame? As part of its rotation. And I know a lot of people don't like the RNG for it but personally I find it fun. I know AST is getting a redesign in Dawntrail so hope it's good.

Story Tier: C? I think? I'll be honest I don't remember it super well but I didn't find anything objectionable about it. And I like the tarot aesthetic and lore and how it's healing based on manipulating luck.

SAGE: I think SGE is tons of fun, I'm not sure if I like it or WHM more. I love all the skills SGE has for preventing damage and the gimmick where your DPS heals someone in the party. Visually the hi-tech laser shooting healer is a lot of fun. IT HAS A GAP CLOSER. The only thing i wish was it wasn't so MP negative and that it did more damage. It's a little sad its DPS output is so low compared to the other healers (even AST when you factor in how it buffs the party). Since SGE is supposed to be a healer that heals through damage it's silly its damage kinda sucks.

Story Tier: A, I loved this storyline. Both the Endwalker job stories are very self contained and interesting. While the twist is pretty obvious it's still an interesting exploration of uh. Scientific ethics. Yeah

PHYSICAL MELEE DPS

MONK: I've probably played MNK the least of the phys melee but I like the whole adaptable combo thing. Not much else to say since I have played it so little. Might bring it back out and try again. It DID have the funniest guide in the Balance discord for a while.

Story Tier: D. I think? I remember thinking it was dumb, lmao. Sorry.

DRAGOON: MAN I wished I liked DRG more. It looks so fucking cool and I like how it interacts with the dragon lore. But I find it very punishing to play. To do good damage you have to align so many different cooldowns... and snapshot your DOT correctly... and screwing one thing up just fucks your DPS output forever. Like AST I believe this is being reworked in Dawntrail so I hope it feels better to play.

Story Tier: C+. I think it starts strong since you get to meet Estinien pre-Heavensward and it melds nicely with that story. But I found it pretty directionless post-HW which is a shame.

NINJA: I remember finding this one fun. I like that there are different combos you do that have varied finishers depending on the situation. I am just... bad at remembering which combo to use to get which finisher, lol. So I haven't played it as much. NIN gets a lot of flavor other jobs don't get with their unique run and jump animations. And you get a Bunny of Shame on your head if you fuck up a combo, which is incredible.

Story Tier: A. The Rogue story is probably the most memorable of the basic class quests. Ninja just has great characters and a fun story. What is with that one guy. Karasu? If you know you know. I also like how the Rogue characters show up later in the Ninja story. That's fun.

SAMURAI: I had a similar experience to WHM here because I initially hated it then really came around once it clicked. SAM seems very complex, it has a ton of buttons and different combos. But it is actually quite intuitive once you figure out the general pattern. And it does INSANE damage. I think it's the highest DPS output in the game? I love building the combos and then doing a huge finisher for a bajillion damage. The guaranteed crits and constant OGCD weaves make me feel unstoppable. I think this is tied with RPR for me.

Story Tier: B+. I found the exiled samurai character and his journey toward redemption very compelling. I won't spoil beyond that. However it does fall apart a little in the second half. Still fun but not as good.

REAPER: I love RPR, the teleportation is a lot of fun, and I love finally unleashing the demon form and going ham on the enemy. The weapons are the coolest looking in the game. Every scythe design hits. I probably played this the most in Endwalker. My main critique is the Death's Design mechanic. I hate having to keep a stupid debuff on the target to do damage. It's like a dot but without the optimized snapshotting. If they want to keep this idea i think it would feel better to change it into something like SGE's Kardia where you apply it to one enemy to do increased damage to it without having to worry about reapplying it. not sure how they would balance this for aoe but that's not my job. But even with that caveat I still really enjoy the job.

Story Tier: A+. While it doesn't reach the highs of DRK's story it comes close. I love the badass old lady main character. Her hunting a voidsent that possessed her grandfather would be cool enough but making her a Garlean exile in hiding who grudgingly agrees to train you just adds an extra cool factor. I really enjoyed this story. As a bonus theres a lot of incidental dialogue in the post-6.0 Endwalker story if you completed the RPR story because it ties in a lot.

PHYSICAL RANGED DPS

BARD: It's a bit clunky, its got some outdated design elements, it has one of the lowest damage outputs in the game... and i LOVE IT. this was technically the first job I ever played? totally different character like 8 years ago. and i was so so bad. I think i am actually pretty good at current BRD. the animations look cool. i like that it's a class you really need to work for and optimize to eke out that last bit of damage. and boosting everyone else's damage by existing is kinda neat.

Story Tier: B. I'll be real I barely remember this but I do remember it was gay as fuck so immediately gets an extra tier for that.

MACHINIST: MCH is really funny right now because like. It's phys ranged, right. The design behind phys ranged is you have 100% uptime cause you can freely move around and not have to worry about cast timers or melee range or anything. So the trade off is that they do less damage than other classes. Endwalker MCH did not get the memo and does insane damage anyway. My controversial opinion is that it has similar burst DPS to RPR. No i will not elaborate. I'm also bad at doing good damage on MCH which is impressive since it is easy.

Story Tier: B+. Some Ishgard noble's gay son wants to build machines instead of killing dragons the good old fashioned way and has to prove himself to get taken seriously. A tale as old as time. See I haven't done this quest in like years but I still remember it. He is a memorable character. It's just not like. knockout wowza compared to the A tier stories.

DANCER: Dancer is the second easiest DPS job in the game behind SMN. So if i am sleepy it's the one I like playing. You play simon says. you do a lot of damage when you play simon says then do almost no fucking damage otherwise. I think it's the lowest direct damage in the game? for a dps i mean. You have high stakes sexual tension with a DPS of your choice via Dance Partner. I wish other DNC players knew how Dance Partner works. YOU CAN DANCE PARTNER ANOTHER DANCER. THE BUFF STACKS. BUT YOU CANNOT DANCE PARTNER THE SAME PLAYER AS ANOTHER DANCER. THOSE BUFFS DO NOT STACK. ok i'm good. anyway

Story Tier: C. there's some shit about negative emotions and purging them? in theory i think this has some interesting implications with Endwalker lore considering Dynamis and its role in the story. Very similar mechanically to what's going on with the DNC story. but i really don't think the writers made the connection so it's like pure speculation and not the actual story. It's meh. fine i guess. i did like all the flashy dancing sequences.

MAGICAL RANGED DPS

BLACK MAGE: I am so so so so so so so bad at BLM. i pull up the guide. i read the guide. it all makes perfect sense. i go into a dungeon or trial or something. somehow i always get like Zeromus or some shit. and i drop Enochian or something and everything goes to shit and i'm yelling and i'm not even like slide casting or teleporting or anything i just run around crying. then i remember i have like 10 more buttons i haven't been pressing and oh god the dot fell off. people play this? for fun? i admire it. apparently they do a ton of damage if you can play it. could not be me.

Story Tier: B? There's some voidsent and Thirteenth lore. all the black mage characters are Lalafell because it's funny i guess. OH YEAH it has like the one named male Keeper of the Moon Miqo'te NPC in the entire game and he's fun. look at this twink:

sorry i don't have anything to say about BLM i am bad at it

SUMMONER: easiest DPS job in the entire game. they redesigned it for Endwalker so it is practically a new job. i have no idea how it played before. but it is super streamlined. maybe too streamlined? it's another one to play if you want to turn your brain off. i like that at 90 you summon The Actual Primals instead of little representations of them. and i like the way your burst phase switches between Bahamut and Phoenix. it all looks very cool. they should add Leviathan as a summon in Dawntrail.

Story Tier: C.. i don't remember a single thing about this questline except you interact with Y'shtola's half sister. i think you go to Cartenau at some point. idk

RED MAGE: RDM is one of those jobs that looks really complicated when you start then you actually play it and it is just super super easy. that being said i think it's really fun. I like balancing the white and black magic gauges. Dualcast is a great gimmick and it feels cool to lob two big spells in a row at something. Dualcast Verraising a chain of dead players is so fucking funny. it's a shame that the existence of Verraise means RDM does shit damage to compensate for its utility. It and DNC just sit at the bottom with BRD barely scratching ahead of them. i think? i don't remember LOL

Story Tier: A, I really like the story and characters. I like that you have a middle-age world weary catboy (catman) as your mentor. and i like that he canonically trained Alisaie too and you chat a little about that. it's a fun story!

BLUE MAGE: what the fuck is a blue mage

Story Tier: ???

[tragedry]

Now we need you to write a tyden confession scene............ y'know, to make things even. Or you can talk about when they realized their feeling for each other 🥺

the fact that y'all are starting to associate me to both ashler and tyden is hilarious cause i'm pretty sure i started this side blog to only talk about ashler asfhafla

but here we are, so let me try to put together a coherent enough tyden confession for you at 4 am:

side note: this got really long way too fast, and i'm pretty sure this only tackled aiden's feelings, but i hope you like it anyway anon!

when aiden realizes he's starting to like tyler, everything just clicks.

he's laying on his bed, his eyes staring up at the glow in the dark stars he's poorly glued on his ceiling back when he was ten when the realization hits him, and he's finally put a name to the emotion tyler manages to invoke inside his chest whenever the other boy would stop scowling and actually offer him one of those once-in-a-blue-moon, downright stunning smiles that probably belonged on a movie poster whenever one of aiden's jokes finally lands.

it's like the last step of figuring out how to solve a brand new rubik's cube, and for a moment he revels in the satisfaction of just knowing, except by the time he tries to figure out how to proceed from such a revelation, he’s coming up blank.

for the first time in his life, his crush on tyler is the only puzzle he has no idea how to move forward to.

if he’s being honest with himself, knowing that he actually likes the halfwit doesn't really change much of their situation, if anything it would probably only make things worse if tyler found out.

and it's not like he's stupid enough to actually believe he's got a shot, not when he's made it his entire personality to annoy the ever living shit out of the baseball player any chance he’s got.

the thought of tyler’s possible rejection inflicts a pain that courses through his entire body, stilling him until he has to remind himself to breathe.

aiden decides he doesn’t really like thinking about this particular puzzle anymore—not when his own emotions have cursed him.

he refuses to think about the problem any further. he’ll set his feelings for tyler aside and ignore it till it goes away completely. 

he’s always been good at ignoring his problems, and this is no different.

with his mind made up, he lets himself relax until the pang in his chest dulls out and he’s ready to forget it was ever there in the first place.

and just when things were finally starting to feel normal again, that’s when the halfwit decided to reply to his text. 

the reply is short, dry, and straight to the point– and it’s just so like him that aiden catches himself snorting when he reads the simple, “fuck if i know.” right after aiden’s last annoying question. 

he hadn’t even expected the other boy to reply, except tyler always did.

no matter how much he purposely tries to piss him off or how many memes he sends the other boy, tyler will reply, whether it was a sarcastic comment or a curse, all of his messages are read and answered.

it was kind of addicting, to be heard-to have his existence acknowledged by someone who had every right to tell him to shut up and walk away.

he can feel his heartbeat racing all over again as he re-read tyler’s text, and as he typed out a reply he knew it was going to be hard for him to fall asleep.

the clock on his phone reads past 1 am, and he wants to point it out to tyler cause he’s always complaining about staying up late whenever aiden’s in the mood to mess with him.

but before he could say anything about it, tyler’s already sending him a brand new text, and this one’s even more humorless than before.

his earlier thought is momentarily forgotten, and he ends up sending the other boy a series of memes pointing out how badly tyler’s killing their convo with his lackluster replies, and aiden selfishly hopes that tyler takes the bait and talks to him even longer, even if just to prove him wrong.

aiden wonders if tyler would hate him for it.

he lifts his eyes back to the stars on his ceiling and hopes.

he hopes that tyler won’t hate him for being selfish, hopes that his feelings for the other boy won’t last, and hopes that by the time he wakes up the following day, the pain in his chest disappears completely. 

his phone lights up with a brand new text and aiden begins to type out a reply without really reading what the text said.

'can you promise you won’t hate me too?'

the reply gets deleted, and he sends tyler another meme instead.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s2 episode 19 thoughts

did you ever want to see mulder and scully die of old age? well, you're in luck! this episode was made for you <3

i'm giggling. who came up with this concept?

when i was reading the plot description, i kept thinking of all those memes a few years back about the beach that makes you old. it was referencing the plot of the m. night shyamalan movie with this very concept, aptly titled "old"... good to know he isn't the first one to come up with such a topic. also we moved on from that meme too fast because it was hilarious.

okay. let's go.

pause. we open on a boat at sea. i haaaate boats. we seriously need to stop getting on boats because it seems that only bad things follow.

some people are leaving this boat. and a guy threatens to stop them. but he doesn't. and they climb into a lifeboat and sail off.

those who sailed off in the sailboat have been found by another boat. they were sailing the seas and playing blackjack. blackjack is great, boats less so. these new guys are tying to rope in those from the lifeboat for help, but they're not being super responsive. this is because they have become very old men.

(i was trying to think about how i would respond to finding a rescue boat full of old men on the open ocean, and i think i would assume it was a cruise wreck. recently read an article about the secret world of cruises. fascinating stuff)

((anyway, when we're looking at these newly old men, you can tell that it is in fact the same young actors under a bunch of makeup, and it's an eerie thing to view. baby old men))

at this point, i asked the question on everyone's mind: are we going to speedrun the whole msr thing by throwing them on this boat? like, skipping to growing old together? it's almost romantic, in a way

anyway, back to the present day. after the newly old men have been rescued. mulder calls scully to a hospital, and thanks her for coming without explanation.

she has freckles and he has to bend down to whisper to her, two things i enjoy greatly.

he wants her to go in and talk to the one survivor of the whole thing, and they wouldn't let him in, so her medical background is a good excuse, and he got her clearance. he tells her to figure out what is going on then come back to his office, and instead of listening to her try and ask questions, he grabs her shoulders and says thank you. and leaves.

she is baffled. for a man like him, a shoulder grab probably explains everything.

(this has prompted contemplation on that man and his relationship to physical touch. i just know he'd cry if given a nice long hug)

so she goes in the room and picks up the chart, and despite the fact that a very old man is sitting on the table there, she sees his chart says he's supposed to be like 25. so she asks why there hasn't been a full investigation and the physician comes in and says "i wasn't aware that my diagnostic decisions required your approval"

OOP. an awkward situation! she must have chased mulder off. and while it may be a bit weird to have another doctor burst into your patient's room, is this not a valid question to ask???

the physician demands scully show her clearance, which she does, and she is told it is invalid, and to get out now before she is removed. which is sus as hell!!!! what are they hiding...

back to mulder's office. she walks in and tosses her coat on his chair. ah, casual intimacy of cohabitation. i love you dearly.

and this man is deeply touchy today... he must have known he was setting her up to get yelled at in the hospital and this is his way of saying sorry. that's my best guess, anyway.

he's got a map pinned on the wall and he's pointing out all the ships that have gone through the area and disappeared, and as i began to make my average declaration- that this was "nerd behavior"- my phone began to predict the text for me. well! it is consistent at least.

"do you know anything about the philadelphia project?" he asks scully. and she explains it to him, but i had to google to see if it was a real thing. and actually, i had heard of it before, because the u.s.s. eldridge makes a very brief cameo in season 1 of loki!! but it seems to be mostly a thing that didn't happen. i'll have to look into at a later date.

mulder proposes that those involved with the teleportation philadelphia project must still be at it, and they are using this area to explore wormholes on earth.

(scully exhales quietly) "wormholes." <- god-tier reaction

he decides to head out to norway and investigate, and she wants to come!! woohoo 8:30 flight to norway!!

they're in the norwegian bar. looking cute. asking for help re:area where boats are going mia. but no one wants to help!

until a very conveniently placed american over hears them! and he has a ship that can take them out there! ahh, storytelling conventions <3

he says he'll take them out there, but he is the only one who will do so, because all the others think that there is an evil god in the sea. and evil god or not, i am not sure i trust this man who offers to give them a ride.

NOOOO poor mulder is getting seasick :( he seems to have lost his quick tongue in the war against the ocean:

"you're lucky you inherited your father's legs", he says to scully. "what," she deadpans, smiling. "his SEA legs", he clarifies, and she laughs while he is in misery.

(and this was sosososo cute <3)

they have been on the boat for 12 hours...... i would have simply perished!!!

they then CRASH into another ship and he is suffering even MORE immensely

so they climb onto this ship they ran into, and it looks old and rusty, like 20 or 30 years hanging out in the ocean rusty, but it was launched in 1991. soooo things are not adding up!!!!

they go in and investigate the giant old ship, and they encounter some bodies that have been, like, crystalized? super old and dead and crystalized. shoutout to the props team for that fr.

and scully looks both terrified and deeply intrigued. the medical curiosity has set in.

NOOOO! someone took their ship that they arrived there on!!! they are stuck on the boat full of very old dead crystal people!

there's a little montage here of scully and mulder trying to fix stuff and it was really really cute. yeah get your tools and go fix something man. get under there. it doesn't work out, but it wasn't for lack of trying.

the american guy who took them out is getting pissed they aren't telling him the Truth so he tries to explain the wormhole theory. and he isn't buying it and getting More pissed. this could have been easily avoided by Not Getting on the Boat.

NOOOO the other crew member that joined them had his skull cracked!!! are there any old people doing some skull smashing on this boat?!?

AUGH the boat is such a perfect setting for horror. the persistent Wetness. the quiet except for light dripping noises. the maze-like construction of the big old ship. confined spaces. it is simply not for meeeeee

oh okay. guy in the freezer sipping jack. he says time got lost. sure. it seems we have found our Skull Smasher.

the american guy whose ship was stolen is getting even MORE pissed and honestly i feel like he has the right to be. his friend is dead his ship is gone he is stranded on a boat of crystalized old people. truly L after L is being delivered. and as he goes to bury his friend at sea, even singing a little song for him, a dude comes and tries to crack HIS skull with a pipe??!? (so maybe old man sipping jack DIDN'T do the killing? i honestly don't remember sorry)

mulder stops pipe man from beating the americn ship captain... wow... so heroic <3 and american guy is like, oh i know this dude... he's a PIRATE WHALER... he sells whales on the BLACK MARKET.... i wish him to suffer immensely. remember when a fungus grew out of people a few episodes ago? yeah he deserves that. get eaten by bugs. you stay away from the whales you sick freak. but he is kinda hot and that is NOT be excusing him i just have eyes and can see. hot pirate whalers still get the cruelest of punishments in my book.

NOOOO the old man sipping jack has died. and is turning into salt. real sodom and gomorrah ass situation.

mulder declares that it is time to get rest, in an environment in which rest is impossible. and honestly, he is brave as hell for persisting and taking the first watch despite having dealt with seasickness, let alone being trapped on a boat full of old salty dead people and having just apprehended a pirate whaler. give him a raise, for he has suffered.

he takes his shift, and goes to wake scully up for the next one. and she mumbles about having just fallen asleep, to which he offers her a few more minutes

AUGHHH my heart. my heart my heart. this man is Suffering but he still offers to stand guard for a few more minutes. so she can sleep. oh i would have married him on the spot i'm sorry.

she insists that she is up and everything is adorable and sweet until.

WHAT!!! they are old!!!!

the image of these two in their Old Person makeup was making me laugh so hard, so i once again asked "who came up with this episode", but here's the tea: the pirate whaler guy isn't getting old!!! and, as scully points out, their hair isn't falling out or turning grey... strange.

she proposes that they are... drifting towards something... electrical... magnets... i'm sorry queen u lost me. too much science jargon. i'm sure it's a good theory i just have no understanding what it is you're saying.

oh. and blood is dripping from the ceiling. while the evil whale killer serves looks in the corner. fuck you, freak.

they go off to investigate the dripping blood (actually rust!) and they leave american ship captain to guard the pirate whaler. and oh man, he is gonna let him go, isn't he...

our agents are climbing into the sewage hold. bad place to me, imo. and ohhhh they think it is related to the water! non-sewage water = makes you old. cutscene to american ship captain, who has shot pirate men, lapping from the toilet like a dog.

mulder and ship captain man are fightinggggg... old man violence

scully demands everyone do a blood test, which had me asking: how did she test their blood on a ship? does she just keep that sort of equipment around? anyway, it shows waaaaay too much salt.

and NOOOO mulder is doing worse than the others because he has been dehydrated from seasickness :(

(again, i made note of the fact that they looked crazy and this was such a ridiculous plot for an episode)

he presents her with his urine for testing. that is true friendship.

the american ship guy says that mulder isn't gonna make it, and they should look out for themselves. okay good try you dumb bitch but they WILL die for each other.

cutscene to mulder lying in his cot, dying of old age. typical king activities. the water isn't working on him for some reason!!!

(who did this old person makeup... the girls are scared)

american ship guy is in the sewage area gulping all the water. "go ahead and shoot me if you think i'll let mulder have another drop" <-okay but she Will kill you. like you get that right.

(he escapes death by locking himself into the container)

this sends scully into a frantic search for any sort of liquid, and she's holding up a snow globe, and i have the realization, oh man, she's gonna drink the snow globe water, and they are gonna have to go to the hospital even more than before

"it's sardine juice, half a dozen lemons, and the water from a snow globe" <- new worst meal just dropped

(get her as a bartender NOW. i want to see what other fucked up concoctions she can create if given the resources)

he says that she should drink it, and tells her to stop being stubborn, she's more likely to live. and he WILL resign himself to death for her. which is A Lot. they are arguing about who gets to drink it and it's really sweet and sad and they look scary.

noOoOOOo there is a big THUNK and the jar falls on the ground and CRACKS. and now water is coming in!!! and the guy that locked himself in the sewage hold is gonna drown!!!

this is not promising for anyone else. at this point i was asking if they were gonna just lay down and die together, and if so, would it involve having a talk about their Feelings before death?

scully promises mulder that she learned there is nothing to fear after death when she began to drift off in her coma. oh my heart. talking about her Worst experience in the entire world so her friend can die in peace. knowing that it will be okay. ohhhh man, i need to unpack this at a later date.

so she closes his eyes and he drifts out of consciousness, and she's writing down detailed notes as she goes, but finally the pen slips from her hand and... they're gone

UNTIL!!! HELP ARRIVES LATER!!! and they bring them into the hospital to desalinate them. and they are able to be saved because scully kept impeccable records the whole time!

OH. and who is tending to them but the physician who kicked scully out of the other guy's room at the beginning of the episode!!!!

so the ship sank. and that was that. the end.

and where does that leave us?

well, honestly, i'm torn. because there were some very sweet moments in this episode- poor seasick mulder, fighting over who gets the potion, him letting her sleep a little longer, her sharing what happens after you die to give him a sense of calm- but it was also taking place while they were in scary old person makeup, so it had its ups and downs.

[tmnt-obsessed-ace]

Hey if you could do a crossover with each of your AUs with another AU what would you pick

owo?

Ok!

Well technically I already did a crossover for When The World Crumbles with Sunset Linings with Burb in discord dms that were supposed to be written into a oneshot. A oneshot that I haven entirely given up on because as it turns out my ADHD brain cant handle pulling text from close to TWO HUNDRED SCREENSHOTS (not to mention all the screenshots were taking up space in my phone so I just gave up) so...technically already did but no one else will ever know about it ._.

Skipping Sunshine of The Woods because I still have absolutely no ideas for that au and its in the void indefinitely ._.

Lost But Never Found...eh idk maybe Like Father Like Son. Green and Indigo becoming the amnesia murder duo for Draxum. That would be fun but idk

Same Story Different Font. Either Ghost In The Shell (@bluepeachstudios )or Shellshocked (@lieutenantbiscute )are absolutely awesome for ssdf crossovers for different reasons. Ghost In The Shell because Ghost and Leo would be friends. They both got separated from their families for YEARS and sent to different dimensions. And they both are raising very energetic teenagers (and they both have enough mental health issues to require MULTIPLE therapists) they would be instant friends because they both UNDERSTAND they both went through the same thing (and it will be incredibly tragic for both of them because that's an alternate version of their brother that was isolated for twenty years/forced to become a single parent at 17. They would both adopt each other and try to mother hen each other)

Shellshocked on the other hand would be fun because it would be absolutely DEVASTATING for Leo. He tried so hard and he thought he finally managed to get back home to his brothers, only to see Shellshock Leo and realize that he DIDNT get back home and he probably never WILL. It would DESTROY him. (There is a reason that I would title that hypothetical crossover as "Mental Breakdown: Speed Run edition") peak angst and hurt/comfort material right there

Fractured (Lost) Hamato Clan (aka the 2012 turtles get brain wormed au) this one would be absolutely HILARIOUS with The Last Ronin Becomes A Discord Admin (@melonpalooza) The brain wormed 2012 turtles get added to the server, they seem pretty normal at first and all hell breaks loose the SECOND they start saying "Master Shredder" considering that everyone except the rugrats have SEVERE trauma relating to Shredder and the Footclan. Especially the copes and Ronin who lost their Splinter/family to the footclan. It would be chaos. Very entertaining chaos (bonus points footclan Donnie trying to teach Shredder how to use the internet/understand memes for some extra chaos)

Hollow Shell, Before The Summer's End and TMNT: Solar Flare are getting skipped because they arent developed enough for an au crossover or involve non tmnt franchises and thats kinda hard to make au crossover list :/ (plus TMNT: Solar Flare could crossover with ANY other original tmnt iteration and it would work so idk)

[wendigot33th]

Ough I got 100 likes on a post I should just make sure the only people who interact with me are epic. Guess I gotta make a pin post oh golly oh gee.

What to like here

Me! Im an autistic as shit TGirl and probably schizotypal, I will post about anything I like at random and with zero sorting besides tags because people making whole ass new tags just to split up Thier blogs confuses me.

As a whole, I like cool art of the stuff I like. I also like shit memes and people who can sorta *direct* a text pose with GREAT style.

I build Bionicle mocs and post them here too but it's pretty rare because I have like less than like 300 pieces total and I'm too skittish to post what I believe is the 98473864th variant of... whatever I made.

Disco Elysium is a favorite. Art of its skills and characters help me try and visualize my own skills and maybe help me live my life better. (Try it out, put Volition in your head and he will help you)

HDG. If you know what that is expect to see me post about it from time to time. Also, for all intentions and purposes, anything found inside an HDG story is usually what I'm into. So if you don't like HDG your not gonna like my horny ass, just focus on the not so horny maybe or just leave idc.

Also delicious in dungeon looks pretty good. Can't watch it but it looks neat.

This isn't exactly a *horny blog* more so as a human being I'm horny. So expect a bunch of unfunny "oohg reblog if you like chicken strips and HOT GAY T4T SEX" that shit is hilarious to me and I don't know why.

DNI bullshit

Please don't touch me if you hate people for literally no reason. Like if you hate someone for a reason that can't be explained by intentional hurtful/disrespectful actions towards you, fuck off. I don't want that vibe here.

Please go away if you don't like girls with balls, Or men with huge tits. I'm pre everything and I don't need to hear your batshit takes about how I'm actually not what I am or whatever. Just tell me to die and leave. it's not worth either of our time or energy to pretend like you found a skin walker and larp on and on about how I'm a truly wretched beast. I will just masturbate to your messages.

Please piss off if your like a terf or whatever. Y'all are just jealous we have more swag and can pull off better styles than you while fucking super hot dudes.

(on a side note, if any of y'all see that I reblogged something a terf or whatever sick person made,LET ME KNOW!!!! I will DESTROY IT IMMEDIATELY! I'm not very smart whatsoever and I make mistakes! Help me out!)

[hearteyesmcgarrett]

is it weird to just answer the ask meme questions without actual asks? probably, but i want to yell about fandom shit rn so you can't stop me

A - Ships that you currently like a lot. its obvious that im in a grimm fixation rn, so i have to say nick/monroe as a romantic ship (or nick/monroe/rosalee), and the whole gang as a platonic relationship. For SGA, i'm always a mcshep fan but i honestly enjoy any pairing of AR1. Anyone that has followed me for an extended period of time knows that im a mcdanno (H50) and leverage ot3 truther as well.

B - A pairing–platonic, romantic or sexual–that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind. hmm, not sure? OH some folks doing the sga kinkmeme have mentioned john/cam and im very intrigued

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will. Rodney/Jennifer :( I love Jennifer, but the writers consistently changed her characterization and that relationship felt forced and weird (SGA)

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t. John/Elizabeth. I'm sorry! maybe its just because im gay af but to me their relationship felt like bffs, not romantic (SGA)

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what? I made that stargate cinnamon roll meme, if that counts

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom? ~10 years

G - Have you ever had an OTP? If so, do you remember your first one? Who was in it? i'm a multishipper for sure, but one of the first ships i remember really clearly was eric/ryan from csi miami (circa age like 12)

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)? TV!

I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why? I dont know that it was entirely tumblr, but yeah, Voltron. The fandom was truly fucking awful

J - Name a fandom you didn’t think about until you saw it all over Tumblr. (You don’t have to care about it or follow it; it just has to be something that Tumblr made you aware of.) uhhhh, like every show tbh. 99% of the shows i watch came from tumblr or online friends

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc? Eliot Spencer (Leverage)

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves. hmm, I guess Adalind counts as a character who isnt one of my faves. She's a complex and interesting character, and its clear that a lot of her decisions come from a place of trauma. After having Diana it really shows that she does want to protect her and keep her safe (grimm)

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend. Ronon (SGA), Hardison (Leverage), Teal'c (SG1), etc

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom 1. men showing emotions!!! (grimm does this well, thankfully) 2. on a similar note: depicting how the shit these characters get up to is traumatizing and how that impacts them long term 3. literally any canon queer rep. can we PLEASE have a show like stargate or grimm where one of the characters (especially a man) is canonically queer? is that so hard???

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of? Forfeit by Rise Against always makes me think of ascended Daniel/Jack (SG1). Oh and ever since i saw a gifset with lyrics from it, Timberwolves at New Jersey by Taking Back Sunday makes me think of John (SGA)

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas). one of these fuckin days i am going to write a baseball SGA AU

Q - A fandom you’ve abandoned and why. As previously mentioned: Voltron because the fan base was toxic and awful

R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom? all my favorite fandoms are themed around found family so this is so hard lmao. Nick & Hank (Grimm), Eliot & Harry (Leverage Redemption), Harry & Breanna (LR), Don & Charlie if brothers count (Numb3rs), etc

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon anyone who reads my H50 fics knows that i will fuckin die on the hill that Danny has an anxiety disorder

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending?  besides anxious danny, I'd say John having ADHD (SGA), and Monroe being bi (Grimm) are two right off the top of my head

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites 1. Steve McGarrett (H50) - he's been through so much shit, but he's still so damn loyal and protective and kind. He's such a good dude who is just traumatized beyond belief. 2. Charlie Eppes (Numb3rs) - besides the fact that i am CONVINCED he has ADHD, he's just so fucking loving and passionate about his work and the people he loves. he balances out the hardness of Don and the gang with the sheer size of his heart 3. Eliot Spencer (Leverage) - basically the same reason as steve. I have a type.

V - Which character do you relate to most? this is tough. probably Daniel (SG1) - esp early seasons - because of similar worldviews and interests and personalities, and Danny (H50) because of similar personalities

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom. MISCOMMUNICATION!! its so frustrating.

X - A trope which you are almost certain to love in any fandom. im a big ol softie so i love stuff like mutual pining, hurt/comfort, etc.

Y - What are your secondhand fandoms Good Omens is a big one rn lmao. I've read the book but haven't watched the show. Also, Daredevil probably. I watched at least the first season years ago, but haven't seen anything beyond that. I still enjoy seeing people's posts about it and i read fic sometimes

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go! im so cranky rn about the lack of depiction of trauma/mental illness/neurodivergence/etc in fandoms where its to be expected. like with Grimm rn, you give Nick PTSD and sensory enhancements but then suddenly forget about them?? that's not how that works! Or why is it always just hinted at that characters are ND? why is it so hard to just be like 'yeah no x has ADHD (or whatever)'? i want to be able to actually have complex/tough/interesting/etc protags that are ALSO neurodiverse. if we're all reading John as having ADHD (SGA) or Parker being autistic (leverage) anyways, why can't these things just be intentionally part of the character

[jademickian]

hello! long-time lurker here. feeling very brave right now and very much felt encouraged by @callivich​, so here i go.

Name: jade

Age: 20 sumn

What made you fall in love with Gallavich? aside from the fact that their love story probably covers every possible trope ever and noel and cam truly lived and breathed these characters into life, as a closeted kid who had once ‘loved’ and was extremely afraid to be found, i also deeply related to their initial struggles with the hiding and the pushing away. but the way ian and mickey made it ! and got married ! and things are generally looking up ! it’s such a joy to witness and fills me with great hope.

How long have you been a fan? a year and three months! i know, i know... i’m a baby. but there is nothing very baby about how this show and ship changed my brain chemistry because i have never devoted this much on anything until... well.

Favourite Gallavich moment/scene? oh man it’s like picking a favorite child... can i say everything? no? okay i would say s3e3, when they were running away from the cops after mickey headbutted n*d on the street. it’s so carefree, they were just two boys laughing and running without a hint of what’s to come and now i’m crying!

Favourite Shameless character apart from Ian and Mickey? fiona. is that a red flag? idk but i’ll defend her and let her knock me out actually.

Do you write or draw or make edits? i create when i feel too much or when an idea is ping ponging around my head and demands to be known by the world or when something i want to consume has not existed yet. so i have a very sporadic relationship with making stuff (also because college sucks). i (sort of) write and make video edits or memes.  

Favourite type of Gallavich fics? i love AUs. god i LOVE aus. i prefer multi-chaps, but i also adore extremely witty one shots with good dialogue or banter. nothing in particular. just put those boys in situations and i will eat it up.

Favourite Gallavich quote? SO many great ones. my first one would always be the classic “what you and i have makes me free”, but aside from that there’s also “we got nothing to be ashamed of” “what fucking world do you live in?” because holy shit.

Anything else you’d like to share about yourself? head empty no thoughts. just want to say, every one on here is so fucking talented and welcoming. the words, the art, the fics, the gifs, the manips, the hilarious text posts, the metas, the podcasts, etc. i see you. you keep this community alive and it’s the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen. and i’m so, so grateful. i internally squeal every time someone makes something because wow i get these treasures for free. all for the love of some silly lil boys. wonderful, wonderful gift. i am a chronic introvert folks and is a very awkward human and sometimes i still feel shy but really, all i want to do is scream at you for how great you all are.

[miniimapp]

4*TOWN On Social Media

Gen ;; Crack - Headcanons

Warnings ;; none

Proofread + Edited ;; HA.

Auth. Note ;; WELCOME TO DAY 15 OF THE 4*TOWN CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN !! Bet y'all didn't think I'd actually last this long because I know I didn't lmao

Enjoy !! <3

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Aaron T - An Absolute Troll

Literally everyone saw this coming

Just because it's so true lmao

The biggest shitposter you've ever seen

Will post anything, anytime, anywhere

He posts how he talks,,

with not brain to mouth/text filter

T really likes social media though

I feel like he'd try to get himself cancelled

But like,, for a fun thing yknow

And as a joke

His audience literally would too,, they'd bring up a post from before the band where he talked about how he didn't like a movie or something

Probably Annie,, I have a feeling T has a passionate hatred for the original Annie movie for no apparent reason

Anyways,, he posted a hate post on it, fans found it and then #aarontisoverparty started trending out of nowhere

AND HE LOVED IT !!

When T's not shitposting he posts almost exclusively Britney Spears fanposts

I have a feeling that he actually worships the ground she walks on

Mainly T just gives the people what they want

That includes homemade memes

Straight of his little noggin

Maaann,, if there's just one thing T could choose to be proud of in his life it's his meme collection

At least 1 every day

Mans has a literal queue of daily memes lined up months in advance

Jesse - Internet Grandpa

Jesse doesn't understand memes or internet slang

The boys (read: T) find this hilarious

Is it as bad as everyone, including myself, makes it out to be ?? No, of course not

But is it more fun to call Jesse old and watch him struggle ?? Yes !!

Jesse's actually quite proficient with technology which is always a surprise to people and Jesse loathes it

The amount of times people have been shocked and praised Jesse when he's gotten even the simplest computer thing right is astronomical

The boys love this because it's one of the only times Jesse swears

He doesn't post often but when he does it's absolutely golden

At some point Jesse decided if he can't beat them, he'll join them

And so he made it his bit to post purposely terrible selfies with the boys and the most formal captions ever publicly

On the internet

For the world to see

And he doesn't regret it

Not one bit..

He especially loves it when T and Tae openly mock him and reply to his posts on their accounts

Who doesn't love a good ol' quote tweet amirite ??

But yeah, when he actually posts seriously it's all promotional

For the most part he's just Grandad style pictures and terrible dad jokes

Omg Jesse's dad jokes literally trend every time he posts one

No one knows why, or how, but Jesse likes to rub it in the other's faces that he went viral before them and multiple times too

Aaron Z - Offline For the Foreseeable Future

This man never posts

I am telling you,, he never posts

Z might post promotional a story when he's bothered about it for weeks upon weeks but a proper post ?? Not a chance

No one knows why

There are actually some conspiracy theories behind it

Some people believe that he's actually a robot which is why he's so stoic in interviews and never posts

Z and T have a good laugh whenever they find a new Z conspiracy

Thing is,, Z has a private account under a different name

And that account is UNHINGED

The range of posts goes from like,, one word to a whole ass novel

Z just posts what he feels

His page's energy is that of T's but mildly calmer

Calm chaos if you will

Z's priv account is also a conspiracy theory, except everyone thinks it's a fan account or a furry account or something

I feel like Z just loves the confusion of posting random pictures on his public story with the only caption being "iykyk"

Everyone starts freaking out like,, wHaT !?!? WhO knOWs wHAt hE's oN abOuT !?!?

Then he'll start laughing about it on his private account

Hannah Montana style fr

He always gets the posting question in interviews

His answer is the same every. single. time.

"Don't wanna post, so I don't post."

He's getting fed up with questions about his posting habits fr, let Z live

Robaire - The Only Professional One

Only ever completely professional band stuff

Pictures of the guys and a caption saying "Stay tuned.. 🎶"

The BIGGEST promotional tease under the sun istg

None can escape Robaire's professionalism

He sends 4*townies into the biggest panics

He will get 4*TOWN trending within 5 minutes over an ambiguous caption and if that isn't promotion idk wtf is

He also reposts fan works,, whether it be covers of their songs or fan art or writing

Robaire loves that stuff,, he loves that people feel able to use them to express their own creativity

He wants to encourage that creativity and see it prosper

Another thing Ro will do is host qna's

He'll send out a post asking for questions

He always replies to ask many as possible but sometimes the amount of replies is just too much

Robaire likes seeing what people think of him and the band

A fair few questions are about how the band started out and he loves answering those questions the most

They're probably his favourite kind

Ro just finds it so cool that people now come to him for advice on how to start out as a musician

People just like who he used to be

The interactions, the real, organic, non-set up ones are what Ro loves about social media

He can connect with the 4*townies in a way he never could before

That connection means everything to him

Tae Young - Online Gremlin

Like Robaire,, Tae also sends 4*townies into frenzies over promotional content..

Unlike him, however, Tae Young posts unapproved spoilers to his account

He literally is the leak

The mindset is to leak the stuff before anyone else can so at least they're in control

He doesn't leak anything professional either,, only short acoustic snippets or lyric run-throughs

Kind of smart ig

Ish..

But as I've mentioned before, Tae takes loads of mugs of the other members

And where else would he post them but on his public feed ??

The guys hate him, the 4*townies love him

And hey, fair's fair, Tae will post unflattering pics of himself too

But everyone knows it's a good day when Tae posts because chances are he'll have some more meme-worthy content of the boys ready to be edited to hell and back

Sometimes Tae will repost the other members posts with hate comments

Any post of Jesse's is getting riddled with "old" immediately

He loves to do those fairy comments too, only to the other members though

Tae is probably the most interactive with fans tbh

Even more than Robaire

He'll just starts conversations with 4*townies in the comments, sometimes it's weird drama, sometimes it's a very thorough analysis of a Shakespearean play

If anyone thought T and Z were chaotic they are not ready for Tae Young and his page of horrors

Literally the most all over the place page out of everyone

But arguably the most entertaining page also

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Hope you enjoyed !! <3

[internet-siren]

Someone mentioned the Vaporeon Copypasta—and as much as I love internet lore, I never actually read it… so naturally, I had to dive in ����. And let me tell you… gold. Absolute gold. 😭✨

Vaporeon Copypasta is, uh, exactly what it sounds like. It’s a lewd copypasta about Vaporeon, where the author explains how Vaporeon is “the most compatible Pokémon for human breeding” based on its height, weight, and moves. Yep. 🫣

The thing is, this whole thing went viral back in 2018 on 4chan’s /vp/ board, and people have been referencing it ever since whenever the topic of Vaporeon or lewd Pokémon acts come up. It’s the stuff of memes, nightmares, and everything in between.

The post is an unhinged mix of Pokémon facts and some really uncomfortable conclusions:

...I’ll just leave that there. 😬 That’s the kind of energy we’re dealing with here.

But let's go down the rabbit hole, shall we?

So, What is a Copypasta? 🤔

A copypasta is an internet term for a block of text that's copied and pasted across various platforms. Typically, these are absurd, nonsensical, or just downright weird messages that people share for laughs, shock value, or to mess with others. Some copypastas are memes, others are long-winded rants, and some are just the kind of cringe that makes you want to look away but you can’t. 💀

Here’s a bunch of copypastas I found that are either so fucking weird or just straight-up hilarious to me. 😬

"Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?" 

"guys, you'll never believe what just happened no less than 15 minutes ago. so my sister and her boyfriend came home while i was watching tv and they went into the kitchen to get some drinks. while in the kitchen they were doing their whole lovey dovey thing and kissing and playing grab-ass and what not, and it was unappealing to me, so i went up to my room. a few minutes later, i heard them enter into my sister's room and then some rustling occured. i thought nothing of it, they were probably just making out again on her bed. then i heard her scream and i got worried so i ran over to her room, and opened the door, got on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur! open to door, get on the floor, everbody walk the dinosaur! BOOM BOOM ACKLAKKALAKKA BOOM BOOM BOOM ACKLAKKALAKKA BOOM!"

"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo."

"This is me. Literally me. No other character can come close to relating to me like this. There is no way you can convince me this is not me. This character could not possibly be anymore me. It's me, and nobody can convince me otherwise. If anyone approached me on the topic of this not possibly being me, then I immediately shut them down with overwhelming evidence that this character is me. This character is me, it is indisputable. Why anyone would try to argue that this character is not me is beyond me. If you held two pictures of me and this character side by side, you'd see no difference. I can safely look at this character every day and say "Yup, that's me". I can practically see this character every time I look at myself in the mirror. I go outside and people stop me to comment how similar I look and act to this character. I chuckle softly as I'm assured everyday this character is me in every way. I can smile each time I get out of bed every morning knowing that I've found my identity with this character and I know my place in this world. It's really quite funny how similar this character is to me, it's almost like we're identical twins. When I first saw this character, I had an existential crisis. What if this character was the real me and I was the fictional being. What if this character actual became aware of my existence? Did this character have the ability to become self aware itself?"

"I saw [celebrity name] at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly"

(THIS ONE EVEN GOT ME BACK IN THE DAYS)

"If I eated soap. I dont eat it bc I did. No I didn't <3." 

"why do they call it oven when you of in the cold food of out hot eat the food"

“im a starving child starving to death and this is the very last thing i have ever read. gootbye.”

“I used to have this webkinz that I used to pour milk on and suck the milk back out of and it was sopping wet all the time 😭i used to slam it against walls and it would make a loud thud”

"I once pretended to have a psychotic episode and smashed a macbook with a bat to keep my brother and his fiancee from stumbling across pictures I photoshopped of her giving birth to me."

“I’m in gta 6 I can’t speak much about it but you’ll see later on throughout the year in the next trailer. Either way I’m blessed and thank you to rockstar for giving me an opportunity to have something to do with the greatest game ever.”

"is that ham processed? If it's processed I don't want it"Ma'am, that is an eleven pound whole slab of deli ham. It has no bones, fat, or connective tissue. It is an amalgamation of the meat of several pigs, emulsified, liquefied, strained, and ultimately inexorably joined in an unholy meat obelisk. God had no hand in the creation of this abhorrence. The fact that this ham monolith exists proves that God is either impotent to alter His universe or ignorant to the horrors taking place in his kingdom. This prism of pork is more than deli meat. It is a physical declaration of mankind's contempt for the natural order. It is hubris manifest. We also have a lower sodium variety if you would prefer that."

“Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting. Do you understand? "

“I noticed that you used “😭” in your comment. Just wanted to say, don’t give up anything in your life. I don’t know what you’re going through but I’m always here to help you through.”

" I hate it when people are like: “DON'T BLOW YOUR VAPE SMOKE ALL OVER MY BABY” like bitch first of all it’s not smoke it’s like some other shit, plus scientists don’t even know the ramifications of its hazards yet. mf hoe😂”

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, fam. 🤯 Copypastas are a wild, strange, chaotic part of internet culture and honestly, I wouldn’t change a thing about them. Keep spreading the weirdness. 💀

If you wanna dig deeper...

Ken-Sama

Blowfly Girl

[biilssst]

lily versus white favoritism nitpicking

New video this was one that was hilarious when I first saw it potential title on her live stream I knew that this was going to be pretty funny to talk about, but I’m not gonna talk the whole video altogether mostly because I don’t really care about the other points. like do any of you guys care about wow do anyone of you guys care about Harry Potter over here, no! then I have no place to commentate on those things only be focusing on three aspects, Pokémon, owl house, and my adventures with Superman

first, Pokémon, people say that this character stalk you a lot, but didn’t say it to any of the other rivals despite the fact that Lily made the exact same joke on her Tumblr and didn’t acknowledge that the character apologize in the same sentence either not only that, but apparently people don’t praise her character. Apparently people really like N, bea and hop (actually I’m confuse why are you putting hop on this list of white favoritism when you know he is not white) and they didn’t praise her (even though I’ve seen people really like her despite what the memes say) for being like I guess. Idk it sound like she was desperately trying to make a point.

next up is owl house and I found this part really funny and Interesting Lily didn’t talk about Camilla. She just put a text blurb that if you weren’t watching you were totally miss out because in all honesty, I felt that if she talked about this point a little bit more, it probably would have a lot more stronger than her getting shit on for liking a character because she shit on character the other people like but more interesting aspect was that when I didn’t look up why people didn’t like Camila hilariously enough I found so many people actually really trying to defend her and feeling that the criticism that she was given was wrongfully deserved I guess Lily just wanted to talk about her own shitty problems that she caused herself for more than an actual real point

as for the superman thing, I’m gonna be honest, even Lily crapped on Lois for this behavior, and it wasn’t really the jump that riled people up. It was her attitude after getting saved and I’m gonna be honest even if this was a different skin color of Lois people would still crap on that moment

So yeah, that was a video and a half and I didn’t have much to say about it but that’s because Lily doesn’t have much to say about anything. Heck most of the video was just her repeating opinions from stitch. Also, I’m never going to talk about stitch ever again after this.

[moonilit]

OH MY GOD WE GOT A FIC!!!!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL WAKE UP WE GOT A FIC !!! Its REALLL!! EVERYONE TO THEIR READING SEATS!!

[im making this up as i go so no coherent read here just vibes]

melusines kept telling him that socializing with humans is very easy, you just need to ask them questions about themselves and let them talk about what they like. Well, it didn’t seem to work, as the secretary stumbled, started hyperventilating and emanated levels of panic and anxiety comparable to someone in the defendant’s chair.” 

😭😭😭😭 girl hang on! Girl! The melusines really should have known he need demonstration, its easy to them but come on guys show him a real life example, take him on a walk and demonstrate the poor girl about to die here! 

“Sensing human emotions did not actually help Neuvillette in communicating with them, as he could not discern the reasons. He asked her if she perhaps came into possession of any cursed texts?”

SOMEONE HELP THE POOR WOMAN!! It keeps going!

“At this point he decided to give up on socializing, as it was obviously very distressing for humans, but felt obliged to tell her that if she ever did read anything she felt was cursed, to inform him. He hoped it would assuage her fear of reading. She thanked him, stuttering, and after that day avoided him at all costs.” 

This is probably what people think Ei is to inazuma tbh. how do you explain 20 years of internet history to your dad in one minute so he can understand what the kids are about is what Fontaine is going through rn. RIP Furina era 🙏🏼 she was always updated and up with the latest memes/ pop culture 

“With how far the Iudex went out of his way to assure people of his good intentions in informal situations, Wriothesley really didn’t understand how everyone found him so intimidating.”

Idk this is a small detail but it’s hilarious to me, the difference in prospective rcjgsfh now imagine an outsider pov to their interactions. 

Random NPC: omg its the ludex and the duck, i wonder whats going on inside their heads

Neuvi: *waterfall with bird songs soundtrack* 

Wrio: *wish i could drop my clothes rn-*

“Wriothesley was about to mention that this sort was not usually bitter, but Iudex continued.”

Everyone SHUT UP, he is about to drop the evaluation of this tea like you would wish your therapist had you. 

Complete side note but i just been aware of vampires doctor/ therapist who can diagnose their patients by siping their blood but like, not in a sexual way, If people of fontain still had water in them i'm just saying, Neuvi could dubble down in two careers. just saying for the neuvi loving people out there this can be a getaway to a new AU.

“Not by nature, but forced by circumstances. Not nearly enough water to be nourished, so it had to adapt and conserve strength, letting leaves seen as unimportant to die and concentrate on survival of the main branches. But there is not just hunger… there is a dream of rain. An ache of something not ever known, but yearned, longed for, without realizing what it is. But then…” Neuvillette closed his eyes for a moment. “It happened. There is a memory of luminous joy of water not gathered by mere drops, but drank in full, overwhelming, a feast after a life of fighting for scraps of morning dew. It had tasted rain at least once in the end.”

Not even joking this is PEAK

“That Hydro Dragon will descend in a human form, and it specifically mentions a cane. This really baffles me, to be honest. How could they predict the cane? Why does he even need a cane? Surely not because of any weakness, he’s an immortal dragon, 500 years is very young for him. And the records say when Neuvilette took his position as the Iudex some 400 years ago, he already had a cane. Was he born with it? Like, had he sprung fully formed, with a cane? Did he pick it up as, I don't know, honorary agreement with a prophecy? Or were his fashion choices actually predetermined to the degree that the prophecy knew them millenia ago?”

No but he is onto something here… why a cane? Who decided this? Why a cane and not a sun umbrella? Can he NOT have the umbrella if he has the cane? Did the previous incarnation set up this like its will? Did he see a cane with someone and think it looks cool, I want to have that later write it down?? I get the cane has to be there for credibility and accuracy because literally if you can predict that too then you are a master, someone in irminsul just put on their sunglasses and start collecting spiritual money from all the bitches who said they won't nail hydro dragon next form down good for them.

I love Enjou, he is back and we get quality theories like these 

“Hehe, yes. It was because Neuvillette turned them into real humans with his powers of Hydro Sovereign. How generous of him, yeah? The question is, why did it take him so long? It’s been 500 years, and yet fontanians were made human only minutes before the flood Despite a feeble bookworm posturing, there was a shadow of unhinged madness in his eyes, dangerous enough that in any other case Wriothesley would cut contact.

“Anyway, Neuvilette had an audience with her right after a trial, and as result she killed herself…”

sorry, just this sentence alone

Sorry, I know its inappropriate, please continue

(I CANT BE SERIOUS IF ENJOU ITS HIS FAULT THE WAY HE SAY THINGS)

“…All of you were just… things, playing at being humans,”

he sure knows a lot how does he knows about fosalore and Neuvi private meeting? Even Neuvi didn’t know about it??

He drank, staring blindly into the distance, and listened, and the quiet words burned worse than whiskey sliding down his throat. He caught himself on a familiar thought. “This can’t be happening. This is too monstrous.” The same feverish thoughts he had when he discovered the truth about his foster parents

Ouch, hit where it hurts.

wrio is not questioning the pre set set if ‘evidence’ he got tho, dude had a massive crush and his heartbreak is blinding him or something

ooooo Wrio plan tho, hehe EXCITED fod next chapter! Thanks fof sharing this with us ! 😭😭🤍🤍

What the guard dogs are for

There are some things you never want to hear your secret years-long crush saying, such as “I’m getting married,” “I think we should stay friends” or “I’m the destroyer of the present order, the one who shall judge all gods, and the foe of humanity.” Wriothesley’s very bad, no good day of trying to unravel conspiracy theories, fumbling a tea party with Chief Justice and learning Teyvat’s ancient history and vishap lore from the leading expert lector.

Genre: angst and misinformation campaign

Characters: Neuvillette\Wriothesley, Enjou

Warnings: sfw in a sense that nothing even remotely sexy happens, but there is dissociation, ptsd episode, brief mention of self-harm, and Enjou doing same thing he does in canon, which is not quite gaslighting? Anyway, let me know if you feel any other warnings need to be added.

Chapters: 1 out of 2. Wordcount: ~8k

With his morning tea, Wriothesley riffled through the reports as usual. Nothing was marked urgent, so he started with the most boring part, - the official ones. The production numbers, coupon consumption statistics, everything is prepared for Neuvillette’s upcoming inspection, which was mostly a formality, but he would want it to go as smoothly as possible. 

Reports from the surface informants. Traveler stirring up a ruckus with the research institute… Well, about time, that pit couldn’t go on forever pretending that massive explosions are just a part of science routine. 

Next, creatures called “vishaps” appeared recently in Erinnyes Forest. These vishaps are apparently a lesser form of dragons, and connected to Liyue vishaps, also lizard-like creatures, though in Liyue they are aligned with geo, not hydro. Non-hostile to humans, aside from one accident. But in that one they fought back against the hunters sent by nobles to capture them as novelty pets. So the only regrettable part was that they didn’t get the nobles, only their lackeys. For shame. 

Next, there are gangs with new lingo going around, which generally was a good thing to pay attention to as they usually ended up in Meropide. Wriothesley frowned, reading the lingo translations, as he suddenly felt old. “Trendy Zaytun Peach” was something he’d got called for taking it up the ass a lot in his days, but now it’s a hip and cool nickname with the youngsters. 

Informal internal reports. Victims of beret society are rehabilitating fine, preparations for the wedding are underway. Good. Albert, a new guy from the shop, is sending him tea. Quite good tea at that. Obviously a bribe attempt, though he didn’t ask for anything as of yet, so it was basically free. Everything was fair in love and bribes as far as Wriothesley was concerned. You could throw everything at the feet of your beloved as to the feet of your targeted bureaucrat, and receive nothing and you would have no claim to complain. Now, the fact he wouldn’t take it into account when making decisions about their proposals, and sometimes would even consider it a negative, was a different matter altogether. 

He perked up reading the last report. There was a new conspiracy, whose agenda was not very clear, as they were more careful than the others, but the gist was something against Neuvillette, so Wriothesley was tracking it for some time. It was hard to get anything concrete though, as they were pretty good at keeping a low profile, but now apparently one of the members by the name of Jacque got into the Fortress on unrelated charges, and he was reportedly not the brightest shank on the block. 

Wriothesley made the arrangements. 

Half an hour later, he happened to stroll by when Jacque was being beaten up by three guys in the shadowy corner. 

“Hey, what’s going on here? Leave him alone!” he said, walking up to them.

“Oh yeah?”, said one of the bullies, turning to him. “Well, make me!”

They were paid double for the pretend fight. It might have been an overkill, usually Wriothesley would go for just scaring them off without combat. Especially because anyone who’s been in the Fortess for some time or had a head on their shoulders would understand that nobody would try to openly fight the Duke outside of the fight club arena. But Jacque was as fresh as they get, allegedly stupid, and it was Wriothesley’s first chance at any info in two whole months, so he decided to make it as impressive as possible.

He went as easy on the guys as he could, they theatrically threw the fight and retreated. 

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked, kneeling next to the guy in the corner and putting his hand on his shoulder for emphasis. 

“Yeah, yeah, I think I’m fine,” Jacque muttered, shaking his head. 

“Why did they attack you?”

“They don’t want me to spread the truth...” Jacque said with heavy emphasis. “But uh, thanks for helping me out.” 

“No need to thank me. I feel bad enough that honest folk like yourself get picked on in MY Fortress. That’s not how I want to run my place, so it’s only natural that I stand up for you.”

It took a moment, but finally the guy gasped.

“Your fortress? Are you… the Duke?”

At least he knew what “Duke” is.

“Yeah,” Wriothesley grinned, turning up the charm. “And allow me to get you a couple of drinks to compensate for the rude welcome you’ve received so far.”

He got them to the Coupon Cafeteria, where best meals were already arranged, and generously poured alcohol into the poor guy, listening to the story of his life and misfortunes that brought him to the Fortress, nodding empathetically. He didn’t ask about Neuvillette at all, to not spook the target, trusting that he will come to this anyway, and finally his patience was rewarded. 

“You know, you’re good!” the guy said drunkenly after some time, clasping his hand on Wriothesley's shoulder, which he beared stoically, grinning with all friendliness in the world. 

“You know, they say we can’t talk to you because you’re bought by that lizard, but I think you’re a good guy. You just don’t know all the facts!”

“Which are?”

The guy leaned closer to him and lowered his voice to a dramatic whisper. “Neuvillette is an evil dragon!”

Wriothesley choked on a laughter, which was way too obvious to turn into cough even for the dunce this stupid. 

“No, you don't understand! Dragons were enemies of humanity that Celestia conquered. But they come back when killed! They reincarnate! He is a hydro dragon who was reborn in a human form so he could more easily trick us!”

Wriothesley blinked, remembering Neuvillette standing under the rain, and the old children’s song. “Hydro dragon, Hydro dragon, don’t cry….”

“He put our rightful archon Furina on that trial, right? No one else saw the verdict, so he pretended she was declared guilty. He forced her to abdicate and took the power for himself!”

Wriothesley realized long ago that Neuvilette, of course, was not human. It was clear to any idiot who talked to him for longer than a minute in an informal setting, not to mention a lifespan of at least five hundred years. But there were a lot of options other than “evil dragon”. There were old gods who did not receive archonhood, but instead decided to serve the archon, like Liyue’s adepti, and he always assumed Neuvillette was of the same kind. But the idea that Iudex was some kind of evil monster with a grudge against humanity was ridiculous. Especially when he showed up at the Fortress and saved the entire Fountaine and Wriothesley’s own hide from the flood.

“Really?”

“Yeah! We should restore our true archon Furina to her rightful throne!”

Furina’s insurrection? Interesting. Wouldn’t peg her for someone capable of this type of conspiracy.

“And did Furina herself give us her blessing?”

“She can’t speak publicly, as this monster threatens her.”

Hmm, inconclusive on Furina’s involvement.

He spent more time with the drunk Jacque, trying to get more details, but couldn’t get much more than unhinged ramblings on how evil the dragons are and how insidious it was for a dragon to pretend to be a human. He had to leave to prepare to Neuvillette's arrival the next day.

_____

Neuvillette stepped out of Opera Epiclese into the rain and slowed down his pace to prolong the sensation. It was a bit of what humans called guilty pleasure, as he felt guilty from inflicting rain on humans for his own pleasure. Though from his understanding, humans felt guilty because they saw this pleasure as something bad for themselves. Even if often this supposed harm made no sense to Neuvillette. Eating too much food until a human's stomach hurt was at least understandable to see as such, but he heard one of palais’ secretaries say that romance novels were her guilty pleasure. How could humans feel guilty for something as simple as reading? He stopped and asked her why she would feel guilty for reading, because melusines kept telling him that socializing with humans is very easy, you just need to ask them questions about themselves and let them talk about what they like. Well, it didn’t seem to work, as the secretary stumbled, started hyperventilating and emanated levels of panic and anxiety comparable to someone in the defendant’s chair. Sensing human emotions did not actually help Neuvillette in communicating with them, as he could not discern the reasons. He asked her if she perhaps came into possession of any cursed texts? He could generally sense the stench of corruption and there was nothing on her, but there was always a possibility that it was a curse he could not register. She panicked even more and vehemently denied. At this point he decided to give up on socializing, as it was obviously very distressing for humans, but felt obliged to tell her that if she ever did read anything she felt was cursed, to inform him. He hoped it would assuage her fear of reading. She thanked him, stuttering, and after that day avoided him at all costs. 

The rain was a compromise solution in any case. Neuvillette always felt a bit strained and uncomfortable in his body, but after obtaining full dragonhood and most of the memories of past lives, the human shape felt downright stifling. He now remembered thousands of years of being something much bigger, long coils that could easily crush the spire of Opera Epiclese. Now, when he looked at his own reflection, it was hard to comprehend that this small and ridiculous frame was actually him. In addition, all of his memories and instincts called him to be submerged in water. But even with his poor understanding of humans, he realized that seeing the Iudex floating in the river would alarm humans much more than him standing under the rain. So rain was the closest solution he could get at his position. 

He summoned rain instinctively, to be as close to engulfed in water as possible. It was a bit embarrassing that even humans noticed it and composed a rhyme, even if that rhyme was inaccurate. He didn’t cry, as vishaps didn’t cry at all and even his current human shaped body didn’t have tear ducts. The closest he could pinpoint to human experience, as he understood it, was being stressed and desire to be comforted, for which water was his best remedy.

And currently he was quite stressed, looking over the Fontaine laws in an attempt to revise them. The current system that treated justice as theater was clearly imperfect, which he realized long ago. But he never saw himself as authorized to change it, as humans were the responsibility of the archon and even without it, he was well aware he didn’t understand humans, so he knew it wasn’t his place to question the human justice system, to which he was only a temporary guest. But now, as fontanias became part of Teyvat after his decision, and so, a part of his responsibility as Teyvat’s god of life, even if the usurper tried to deny him, he couldn’t ignore the need for change any longer. The problem was that he did not understand humans any better, so it was very stressful to try and restructure their systems of governance. 

He extended a hand, catching raindrops on his palm, when he noticed a silhouette near the elevator to the Fortress, and stopped himself from visibly controlling the weather. 

Wriothesley caught his eyes and grinned, approaching him at brisk pace, umbrella over his head.

“Greetings, Monsieur.”

“Good morning, Your Grace.”

Wriothesley always somehow managed to make a “Monsieur” sound more impactful than Neuvillette could “Your Grace”, despite one being a noble title and another just a polite greeting. 

“Would you like to…?” Wriothesley extended his arm with an umbrella, without actually covering Neuvillette with it. In the past, as a part of playing a role of “normal human”, Neuvillette accepted such offers, though there were not many aside from Wriothesley who dared to approach him with it. But now, as he was a full-fledged dragon, at the height of his power and influence in this land, surely he could afford to discard this role? Surely he could afford to be himself at least in this?

“No, thank you,” he said, smiling and trying to sound as cordial as possible, so that Wriothesley would not think it was a slight against him personally. “Don’t take it as offense, but I actually like being under the rain.”

The Duke smiled back, shaking his head.

“No offense taken, but why didn’t you say it last time? I felt like an idiot forcing you under an umbrella.”

“Really?” Neuvillette perked up, falling in step with the human. “You could tell that I…”

“Hated it? Yeah, for sure.”

“....prefered not to have an umbrella.”

Wriothesley let out a low, guttural bark of laughter that somehow got to the dragon despite him not being interested in humans in general.

“Not only I could tell I disturbed you, but I had to walk on the flowerbed to get to you, and then I trailed dirt in the Palais while everyone here glared at me for the audacity. Meanwhile you walked on the same dirt, but stayed pristine!”

“I’m sorry for…”

“Hey, don’t apologize. I’m just kidding, don’t worry.”

Neuvillette met the greyish blue eyes of thawed ice directly and sensed that he was truly not bothered, which didn’t make much sense. But Wriothesley was one of the very few humans who was not scared in the dragon’s presence. He was, probably, the only one who emanated only positive emotions at their meetings. Neuvillette mostly encountered negative reactions in his daily life at the trials, so he could not tell apart which positive feelings exactly that he read from Wriothesley due to the lack of exposure. But perhaps…

“I wouldn’t want you to feel unwelcome at the Palais,” Neuvillette said after a short pause.

Wriothesley grinned with a careless shrug.

“Then I will be there, even if the rest of your bureaucrats make faces. As I said, don’t worry.”

Neuvilette frowned, but didn’t see much point in pressing this further. After a confrontation with Navia, the dragon realized that his lack of understanding of humans hindered him, instead of making him truly impartial. Especially now that he was de facto in charge of the entire Fontaine government. And practice showed that only direct interaction with humans could give valuable experience, as watching from the Iudex seat did not allow him a nuanced understanding. 

So perhaps, if Wriothesley was a rare human who was not scared of him, and he proved rational and trustworthy in the years they knew each other, Neuvillette could confide in his true nature and maybe ask for advice in understanding humanity?

“Perhaps staying for some tea would make up for this past offense?”

Wriothesley stumbled for a moment.

“Seriously?” He sounded as casual and ironic as usual, but the surprised burst of positive emotions from him was bright and obvious. “After all these years you finally decided to deign my humble office with your presence?”

“It’d be a completely unofficial visit, of course.”

“Sure, sure. It was never my secret plot to bribe you with a tea party, trust me, even I realize my tea is not that good.”

His voice was ironic, but for a moment Neuvillette could see his crooked grin turn into a genuine smile. So, reassured that he was not imposing, Iudex nodded and followed the human into the Fortress’ entrance.

_________

The inspection itself was mostly a formality. The Court of Fontaine technically had no direct authority over Meripode, but it provided guards and substantial resources, and so it had a right to oversee the use of these assets. The actual budgeting was done on the regular in behind the scenes reports though, as the data was not visible in the in person visit. Still, it was a time honored tradition that got Neuvilette to show up regularly.

“Take a seat. It will take me a minute to make tea.”

Neuvilette gracefully sat down on the visitor’s chair In Wriothesley office, folding his hands on the cane. He still sat with a ramrod straight back and perfect posture, but there was a certain lightness to him today, which was hard to put into words. 

“The inspection is over, yet you are still nervous.”

Wriothesley knew he had a poker face good enough to cover it, yet Neuvillette saw it anyway. He had theorized for a long time that the Iudex could sense emotions, but usually he would not acknowledge it directly like this. “I wasn't nervous about the inspection to begin with. But inviting a high and mighty Iudex himself to the tea for years and then disappointing him when he finally accepts would be a devastating faux de pas. They will mock me on the first pages of all the papers tomorrow.”

Neuvillette frowned slightly.

“I must underline that I’m not here in any official capacity, and I would hope I’m talking to Wriothesley, not the Warden or the Duke. If you agree, I would ask that we leave the titles at the door.”

“No, of course,” Wriothesley, who had fantasized about leaving titles at the door and then clothes on the floor for actual years, said quickly, frantically recalculating how he could turn the tea party to wine tasting, which best wines he had confiscated in his storage and how he could make turning on the gramophone and then maybe leaning against the edge of the table in front of Neuvillette look natural and smooth. “Absolutely. I was just joking anyway, don’t mind it.”

“Ah, I see. I apologize, I’m unfortunately prone to missing humorous intent, so I appreciate your clarification.”

With how far the Iudex went out of his way to assure people of his good intentions in informal situations, Wriothesley really didn’t understand how everyone found him so intimidating. Especially because he very often had to interact with assholes in positions of power who did try to intimidate him on purpose and the contrast was very apparent. Neuvillette projected an aura of power without really wanting to, and then tried to over-explain himself to make others feel at ease. His earnest awkwardness was something like the clumsiness of a huge beast like an elephant trying not to step on the gaggle of kittens at his feet.

“In any case, there is nothing to be nervous about. After all, tea is liquid, and it’s really hard to make liquids unpleasant. So far I think only Fonta truly managed it.” Neuvillette drummed his fingers on the table and glanced at Wriothesley. “To be frank, if crimes against water could be prosecuted, Fonta would receive life in prison.”

Wriothesley snorted. “So no sugar in your tea, I take it?”

“No, thank you,” Iudex said politely and then, after a short pause, “And to clarify, I was not serious. There is nothing wrong with people liking sugary drinks, of course. I was just making an attempt at a joke.”

He really was horrendously bad at pretending to be a human. How could anyone hear him talk and still believe he’s a scheming manipulator was beyond ridiculous.

“No, I got it. It was a good joke,” The Duke grinned, placing a teacup in front of Neuvillette and sitting down across the table with his own.

Neuvillette gave him a graceful nod with a little smile and picked up his cup, giving it a swirl before tasting.

“Hmm. Interesting. Poignant. Bitter,” he said thoughtfully, tilting his head. 

Wriothesley was about to mention that this sort was not usually bitter, but Iudex continued. 

“Not by nature, but forced by circumstances. Not nearly enough water to be nourished, so it had to adapt and conserve strength, letting leaves seen as unimportant to die and concentrate on survival of the main branches. But there is not just hunger… there is a dream of rain. An ache of something not ever known, but yearned, longed for, without realizing what it is. But then…” Neuvillette closed his eyes for a moment. “It happened. There is a memory of luminous joy of water not gathered by mere drops, but drank in full, overwhelming, a feast after a life of fighting for scraps of morning dew. It had tasted rain at least once in the end.”

Wriothesley put his own cup down, leaning forward in disbelief.

“No way. This was a harvest from a drought year and it’s normally a mild sort, considered unusually strong in this season. How could you know this? Are you cheating?”

“You’re welcome to test me with other samples,” Neuvillette said with an air of a magnanimous ruler granting a boon and put the teacup down with a delicate clink. 

“Oh, I’m taking you up on your word, trust me,” the Duke grinned, but then paused. He didn’t want to spoil the mood, but he remembered how strongly Neuvillette felt about the perceived melusines conspiracy. Wriothesley had to tell him about the evil dragon idiots just to make sure he’s not thrown off balance later. That’s what the guard dogs are for, after all.

“Actually, before we move forward with testing your psychic tea reading abilities, there is something concerning official business that I think you should know. And then we can forget it completely.”

Neuvillette inclined his head with a small smile.

“There is a small group of conspirators, - and I must reiterate, it’s very small - who operate on the ridiculous idea that… uh, that you’re some kind of an evil dragon who schemed to overthrow Furina.”

Neuvillette's smile froze.

“You don’t have to worry about it, really. It’s negligibly small, and well, anyone with a working brain would not believe that you’re a monster in disguise.”

Iudex was silent for some time, not meeting Wriothesley’s eyes.

“Are melusines implicated in this?” he said finally.

“No. No, there’s no connection to them in this stupid theory.”

“Good. That's good. They do love living with humans so much.”

Wriothesley suspected that Iudex was taking things kind of out of proportion again.

“Listen, it’s really nothing…”

“No, no, I understand. It would be so unacceptably horrifying for humans to learn their ruler is a… monster.”

Neuvillette's voice wavered, but his face was impartial, strict, previous lightness gone completely. Wriothesley saw his hands tighten their grip on the handle of his cane a moment before he abruptly stood up.

“I must apologize for impropriety, but I have important business in the Palais which was inappropriate for me to neglect for so long. I must beg your leave to depart.”

Wriothesley stood up too, scraping to understand what he did wrong.

“Wait, it’s not…”

“Thank you for your time, Your Grace.”

Wriothesley shut his mouth, the title feeling like a slap for the first time in his life. The formality and politeness somehow only made it worse. He took a deep breath and willed himself to sound calm.

“I hope you have a nice evening, Monsieur Iudex.”

Neuvillette left in what for his usual dignified pace could be considered a hurry. Wriothesley followed him without being seen, partly to make sure he doesn’t get bothered by inmates and partly on an instinct to investigate. 

At the Fortress’ entrance, he watched Neuvillette walk under the rain, lifting his head upward. The blue strands of his long hair glowed and so did his coat-tails. They extended, shining brilliant bioluminescent blue, trailing behind the Chief Justice, in a moment looking like fish’s fins, then the next - as colossal snake’s coils. Sea waves crashed against the ridge without any wind, rising high, reaching to a lonely glowing figure of Iudex. With bated breath, Wriothesley watched Neuvillette extend a hand, as if catching raindrops - and rain stopped mid-flight in the air, lingering over his palm, waves frozen cresting over the earth. The raindrops gathered in a shuddering spheres, and then stretched upwards, against all laws of gravity.  Wriothesley’s heart skipped a beat as Neuvillette closed his fist and the rain flew backwards to the skies.

Wriothesley stormed back into his office and frantically searched through the reports, pages flying about, until he found the one about vishaps. He looked at the photos, seeing similarities he would never look for before. The dark blue color of vishap’s hide was nearly identical to Neuvillette’s attire, but that was small beans, easily written off as coincidence. Their eyes, bright magenta with white vertical slice of a pupil, resembled Iudex, but there was room for debate, as his eyes were much paler, lilac merging into gentle blue instead of a bright pink, even as white vertical pupil was so similar. What really struck Wriothesley after all this, was actually the little blue feather at the side of the head of both vishaps and Neuvillette. It was identical and looked so… deliberate. It had to be chosen and placed precisely like this. 

Still, this was not enough. He needed more evidence. He needed… he needed answers.

He walked to Jacque's block as quickly as he could without alarming inmates, but when he got to the conspirator’s room, Jacque was sleeping on the bed and a man was sitting on the chair next to him, reading a book. He looked up when Wriothesley walked in and stood up, clumsily dropping the book. He was tall and gangly, had dark hair, Inazuman features and light brown eyes behind the glasses. 

“Who are you?” Wriothesley was really not in the mood for playing games.

“Well, my organization caught wind that you are interested in learning some… historical information, and our poor Jacque is really not the best source, which is why I’m here to answer any questions you have,” the man gave him a groveling smile. “You can call me Enjou.”

“Not here. In my office. Follow me.”

When they got there, Enjou whistled musingly.

“Uh, what a nice office! Must be a pretty sweet gig. I wish I had an office instead of slinking in dump ruins all the time.” He sighed theatrically. “So, I assume your main questions are on the vishap situation. I…”

“Wait,” Wriothesley said, walking up to one of his wall cabinets. “You can’t expect me to just believe you on your word.”

“Oh, of course, of course! You’re free to rough me up a bit first. Maybe a little bit of torture? But only a little bit, I’ve got a glass jaw, haha!”

Wriothesley didn’t live so long as an undisputed champion of fight club to not recognize a freak who gets off on pain. He grimaced, walking up to the table where Enjou was already trying to rifle through the papers. He stopped with an apologetic grin and put his hands up. Wriothesley put a glass vial on the table.

“Drink.”

Enjou raised his eyebrows.

“Are we dining and wining first or?...”

“It’s a truth serum,” it was a secret project of the Sumeru Akademiya, before the sages were overthrown. Dendro Archon reportedly could read the thoughts of people, and sages were trying to replicate the effect at least partially. Wriothesley came into possession of it after using his network to get the sages connected to the needed people in Fontaine institute, as Fontaine was at the cutting edge of mech technology and the sages were apparently building an artificial god. Didn’t pan out for them, but the serum worked. Wriothesley was sure of it, because he tried it on himself first.

“Oh! How exciting! How does it work? Will it perhaps burn my insides in agonizing pain if I lie?”

“Drink,” Wriothesley said through gritted teeth.

Enjou smiled and drank the vial in one shot.

“Well, nothing is burning so far, but the evening is young, haha,” he said, smacking his lips.

Wriothesley took a deep breath.

“Why are you here?”

“Huh? What do you mean? To explain the history to you, as I said.”

“Because of the goodness of your heart? What’s your agenda? Your goal?”

Enhou cleared his throat.

“Well, first of all, I do believe in uncovering and spreading so-called “forbidden” knowledge. But with your particular case can you really question my agenda? I didn’t come to you first. You were the one who sought us out. I didn’t even want to be here! I was doing my own thing without knowing about you, to be honest! But, well, I am in an organization with some unfortunate morons who thought that recruiting a convenient idiot and then sending him into underworld prison to make sure he isn’t heard is a great plan. And then when the Warden takes note of the idiot and gets him to blabber, these same morons go, Enjou, you have to get there, because you’re a vishap expert! Ugh.” 

Enjou shook his head in seemingly sincere frustration.

“But um, yeah, I’m not trying to recruit you or anything. We know how you’ve disposed of House of Hearth agents and how you generally obstruct Fatui’s activity, and we just don't want you to do the same to us. Because we’re not your enemy! So I’m here to provide you with the necessary context to see that.”

Wriothesley drummed his fingers on the table.

“Okay. Start talking about Neuvilette and vishaps.”

“Well, Neuvilette is a Hydro Dragon, that should be obvious. To clarify, Hydro Dragon here means Hydro Dragon Sovereign, because technically all hydro vishaps are hydro dragons. If you didn’t know, which is understandable, as you’re more of a fighter type and not a bookworm like myself, haha, vishaps are primordial elemental creatures, original rulers of this land and mortal foes of humanity. Long before Archons, there were Dragon Sovereigns in charge of each element. Then there was a war with Celestia, specifics of which are not widely known, but we do know that Celestia won, dragons were largely eradicated and the huge chunks of powers of Sovereigns were taken from them and given to the Archons. Hydro Sovereign was killed.” 

Enjou made a dramatic pause, before leaning forward with a grin. “But you see, vishaps reincarnate. Neuvillette is a Hydro Sovereign reborn in a human shape. There was actually an Inazuman prophecy about it, recorded in the Byakuyakoku Collection. That Hydro Dragon will descend in a human form, and it specifically mentions a cane. This really baffles me, to be honest. How could they predict the cane? Why does he even need a cane? Surely not because of any weakness, he’s an immortal dragon, 500 years is very young for him. And the records say when Neuvilette took his position as the Iudex some 400 years ago, he already had a cane. Was he born with it? Like, had he sprung fully formed, with a cane? Did he pick it up as, I don't know, honorary agreement with a prophecy? Or were his fashion choices actually predetermined to the degree that the prophecy knew them millenia ago?”

“Get back on track,” Wriothesley growled.

“Oh, sorry. Hmm, this serum works by forcing you to spell your thoughts out loud, yes? Well, then it’s not my fault I’m even more blabbering than usual!”

Wriothesley clasped his hands together and said slowly, carefully watching Inazuman’s reaction. “Even if he is a hydro sovereign dragon, as you say, this alone does not make him evil, as your conspiracy claims.”

Enjou fixed his glasses. He really had the hands of a bookworm, no work calluses or fighting scars. But there were spots of reddened, peeling skin that looked like burns that didn’t get to fully heal before getting burned again.

“Did you miss the “mortal foe of humanity” bit? But okay, sure. This is Fontaine after all, presumption of innocence and all that. I mean, I can’t read his thoughts to tell you under oath that he’s evil, so don’t take me to court, hehe!” Enjou grinned, clearly pleased at his own joke. “But I can tell what I know and ask some questions. My first question is why, after losing a war and presumably being killed by Celestia, would an ancient dragon god want to serve a servant of Celestia? The Archon, who rules with what is actually his own power? Unless he had some sort of agenda, perhaps? And come to think of it, why would Hydro Archon put a mortal foe of humanity into a position of such institutional power?”

“Are you implying Neuvilette forced Furina to give him the position of Iudex?”

“Well, I wasn’t here!” Enjou raised his hands defensively. “But why else would he become the Iudex?”

“There are higher beings and gods serving archons in other nations. Like Liyue adepti serving Rex Lapis.”

“Morax was known as the prime of the adepti. None of them could compare with him at strength. Same with yokai and Baal in Inazuma, she was the strongest by far. It’s natural that they would accept servitude. But here…” Enjou glanced at Wriothesley with a sly smile. “If you had to make a bet on a direct fight between Neuvillette and Furina, who would you bet on? Come on, I know tales that her own court would not listen to her until the Iudex tapped his cane.”

Wriothesley couldn’t really argue with this. When the Primordial Sea started breaking out, he himself sent for Neuvillette and didn’t even think to ask the actual Archon.

“In that case, why didn’t he just kill her immediately? Why would he play the judge?”

“Well, you see, he would not get his power back from just killing her. It would just pass to the next Archon. No, the Hydro Archon had to destroy her own throne. And running out the ruler requires a long game, as you know very well yourself, You Grace.”

Wriothesley kept a calm face, but something must have given him away, as Enjou grinned predatorily.

“Next set of facts and questions. You know of the infamous Archon trial, of course? When it was revealed that fontanian people are actually oceanids, given human shape by the previous hydro archon, Egeria? And the prophecy of the flood works because Primordial Sea waters dissolve fontanians into their oceanid forms. Well, the flood actually came. Why were fontanians not dissolved?”

“I’m sure you’ll tell me that.”

“Hehe, yes. It was because Neuvillette turned them into real humans with his powers of Hydro Sovereign. How generous of him, yeah? The question is, why did it take him so long? It’s been 500 years, and yet fontanians were made human only minutes before the flood.”

Despite a feeble bookworm posturing, there was a shadow of unhinged madness in his eyes, dangerous enough that in any other case Wriothesley would cut contact. But the stakes were too high right now. He needed to get all the information he could out of this lunatic.

“You might also remember that on the same trial it was proven that Furina is not a Hydro Archon. And I can tell you that the actual Archon, Focalors, was in the Oracle machine the whole time. Sorry, I’m not even trying to pronounce that full name, haha!”

The urge to punch this bastard was overwhelming, but Wriothesley kept himself in check, mostly because he could tell he was being baited into it and he didn’t want to give the piece of shit the satisfaction.

“Anyway, Neuvilette had an audience with her right after a trial, and as result she killed herself and gave him power back. You see, Hydro Archon doesn’t have the ability to turn oceanids into real humans. All of you were just… things, playing at being humans,” Enjou said with a smirk that looked more fascinated than mocking. “But Hydro Sovereign, the original god of life, does have the power to do so. And he also, conveniently, has control over the Primordial Sea, which you, Your Grace, already know as he stopped the flood in your own Fortress.”

Wriothesley raised an eyebrow and Enjou smiled with a shrug.

“Again, I was not there! But I do know Hydro Sovereign controls the Primordial Sea, and that there is an entrance to the Sea in the Meripode Fortress. I also know that there was some emergency in the Fortress, where inmates were told to run as close to the surface as possible, and then Monsieur Iudex visited and the disaster was somehow avoided.”

Wriothesley frowned. 

“If he was really a mortal enemy of humanity, why wouldn’t he just let the gates of Meripode break and the flood happen right there and then? We would all be gone and he wouldn’t need to lift a finger. Instead he ran to help when I… when the Fortress called.”

“And what would that achieve? He still wouldn’t get his power back,” Enjou shrugged dismissively and then smiled, almost wistfully. 

“No, you know what I would do if *I* was the Hydro Sovereign with an ability to take human form? And if the Archon who held my power hostage was relatively weak AND had the prophecy involving a flood of the Sea I control? Well, I’d infiltrate human society, take a position of high authority and make sure the humans not only see me as the personification of law and justice, but also respect me more than their own Archon. And when the prophecy deadline is coming up, I’d make sure I have people loyal to me in some key positions. Such as Royal Duelist… and the Warden of the Fortress.”

“He didn’t make me the Warden,” Wriothesley gritted out. 

“No, but he did make you the Duke, didn’t he?” Enjou smirked with a wink. “Our sources say the Court was not thrilled to give the highest noble title to you. And if the Iudex did not throw his own weight behind it, it would have never come to pass. How generous of him.”

It was true, Wriothesley’s own informants reported that the Court loathed to give him a title, let alone as high as the Duke. Neuvillette was the only one who fought for him and fought hard, because usually Iudex’s one word was enough to make a decision, but here the stalemate lasted for two months. They wanted to compromise and give him the viscount, but Iudex wouldn’t budge, so in the end, they caved.

Wriothesley never asked Neuvillette for the title. Neuvillette never mentioned what he did for the Warden and never dropped anything even as close as a hint of asking anything in return.

Unless you see it as a part of centuries long game, where mundane favors didn’t matter, but being called first to the access of the Primordial Sea did.

“Ah, you’re starting to get it, don’t you?” Enjou sensed blood in the water, like a proper shark would. “Then I would orchestrate a public court hearing to absolutely discredit the current ruler and corner the actual Archon. And when Focalors is forced to talk to me…. I would make a bargain. Saving the lives of all fontanians in exchange of getting my full power back and Focalors dying. Isn't it ironic that the dragon playing human was the one to turn human-shaped water things into actual humans?"

Enjou leaned back against his chair, grinning with satisfaction.

“And then I’d have an entire country loyal to me as a ruler, which would make a great foothold to use for attacking Celestia.”

Wriothesley took a deep breath.

“You really expect me to take you on your word? You might believe it yourself, which will pass the truth serum, but the word of a lunatic is not evidence.”

“Oh, of course not! I would never expect you to take my lowly word for it. Instead, why don’t you take Monsieur Iudex’s word?”

Enjou made a dramatic gesture of spilling a heap of conches onto the table. Wriothesley raised his eyebrows, when the other man poked one of them awkwardly.

“Now that I have reclaimed one of the Seven Authorities from the hands of the usurpers, I have regained my true form,” a calm voice that was undoubtedly Neuvillette, said out of nowhere. “I am now a fully fledged dragon, powerful enough to judge the rest of the gods. My final destiny is to judge the Usurper-King in the heavens above.”

“This could be faked,” Wriothesley said automatically, just to argue, but his heart already fell.

“You wound me! These are his words, and I spent an entire night fishing them out for you, I’ll have you know. It’s quite hard to capture this. You’re welcome to listen to all of them and see for yourself.”

Almost against his will, Wriothesley reached out and touched one of the conches.

“…I shall fulfill my vow to judge all of The Seven in turn, even if the sky should fall and the ground give way.”

Wriothesley took an abrupt breath through his teeth. Enjou sighed and stood up.

“I think it’s better for you to listen to this alone. After, you’re welcome to reach out to us, but please don’t make any hasty decisions. I’ll see you soon, Your Grace!”

Enjou walked down the stairs, and by the time Wriothesley got to them, there was no one there. The Duke couldn’t bring himself to focus on that though. Instead, he walked up to one of the wall cabinets and took out a bottle of whiskey he was saving up as a possible gift.

He didn’t bother with the glass. He fell down into the chair in front of the conches and clenched his fingers on the bottle, icy veins springing up from under them. He took a sip and touched another conch.

“…my grievances with the usurpers have yet to be settled... They owe a debt of blood that shall not be forgotten.”

He drank, staring blindly into the distance, and listened, and the quiet words burned worse than whiskey sliding down his throat. He caught himself on a familiar thought. “This can’t be happening. This is too monstrous.” The same feverish thoughts he had when he discovered the truth about his foster parents.

As if by now he shouldn’t have learned that nothing is too monstrous in this world.

“As a survivor of the dragon race who has regained my full dragonhood, I must fulfill my oath and obligations even if it means returning all the water in the oceans back to the heavens.”

It really did sound exactly like Neuvillette. Wriothesley tried to find the lie, something that sounded fake, but not only the voice, but the cadence and word choice fit. And it sounded calm, impartial as usual too. And then there were hydro vishaps appearing in Erinnyes…

Fuck, was it really that easy to fool him? Was he really this big of a fool? He learned to distrust sweet words and warm smiles, and he was so sure that he wouldn’t get caught in the same lies ever again, even if he sacrificed his ability to love for this. But all it took was a seeming opposite, direct and harsh, too cold and intimidating to appear manipulative, but endearingly awkward just sometimes, just enough to make him believe that… That there was something true and clear in this rotten world. That he could trust in *someone*.

“Nothing will stop me from rendering judgment on each of The Seven.” 

He went through all of the recordings, frantically at first, wanting to find contradictions, then, when none were found, numbly re-listening to the few that hit the worst.

“…also the destroyer of the present order, the one who shall judge all gods, and the foe of humanity. “

Wasn’t it too obvious in hindsight? Why would the Iudex stake his own reputation on Wriothesley’s title? How could you not see it coming? Oh, because you thought you “deserve” it for turning this dog-fighting pit of a prison into something with a modicum of fairness? Because you thought he recognized your redemption? Gods, what are you, fucking fourteen again, did you learn nothing, why would anyone ever care about you, you naive goddamn idiot?

Soon, the bottle was somehow almost done. At this point he was running one recording on repeat, mindless and purposeless except for repeating slashes of pain, familiar rhythm like the knife on his wrists years ago.

"Hydro Dragon, Hydro Dragon, don't cry." Whoever had penned that rhyme, as well as the Fontainians who came to believe in it, must not have known the Hydro Dragon all that well, considering that they thought the Hydro Dragon could cry. What did they take said Dragon for, some sort of bleeding heart who grieved for humans and the heavens alike?”

If this was true… If this was true, then Wriothesley didn’t just get fooled himself. Then he helped a monster take control of the country and potentially use it in war against heavens. 

He clenched his hand and it took him a moment to realize he broke the bottle he was holding in it. That pain from glass pieces in his palm felt small and distant now. But at last, it spurned him into action.

If this was true, he only had one shot. He’d already told Neuvillette of the dragon conspiracy, like a good little idiot eager to please. And any tyrant worth his salt would make sure to take him out after his, especially now that he outlived his purpose in giving access to Meripode vaults. He might have some time because of how oblivious he was, dismissing the conspiracy openly, but it couldn’t be long. 

He couldn’t take his time. He couldn’t hope for the better. He had to act like it’s the worst option possible. More than anything, he needed to confront Neuvillette, dragon Sovereign or not. He had to fix this, no matter the cost.

He realized he needed leverage. Brute strength was out of the question. Even before the flood, Neuvillette absolutely destroyed Fatui Harbinger in one flash, quicker than anyone in the audience could see what happened. Wriothesley would put himself against Harbringer with no hesitation, but he wasn’t an idiot. If this was how powerful Iudex was before, then after allegedly gaining his full power, there was no way Wriothesley could threaten him. No, he needed something else.

He took out the paper and wrote a note, taking care to not stain it with blood. Fortunately, he held the bottle in his left hand, so he could keep it out of the way.

“....and so confess that I, Wriothesley, Warden of the Fortress of Meripode, killed Chief Justice, Iudex Neuvillette.”

He finished the note and carefully put in his signature, then folded the paper into an envelope and closed it with his personal seal. Then he walked up to a safe, one of the hidden ones, and punched in a code. When the safe opened, he rummaged in it for a moment, until finally taking out two vials.

This was sold to him as the poison that could kill a god.

[pigeonriot]

NOT ME + TEXTPOSTS (part 7/?): my son edition <3

[world-of-aus]

for stark hub: I love the idea of them being apart like one of them is out of town before they’re official and FaceTiming/texting and being shy about the fact they miss each other lolI imagine them being super close already but one goes out of town for whatever reason and they still text/sext but they’re also sending dumb jokes or “this reminded me of you” texts. I can see them sending sexy pics but then also being on the phone like “I actually really miss you”

Stark Hub Head Canons;

Pairing: Pornstar!Bucky x Pornstar!Reader

All Other Work Can Be Found On My Masterlist In My Bio!

'Your pouting y/n, actually pouting,' pepper murmured as she took your chin in her fingers, 'you're about to kneel before the god of mischief, 'and your pouting like someone kicked your puppy.'

'I am not pouting Pep, besides Laufeyson likes his pets to have mascara running down their cheeks before he’s even begun to play,' you huff pulling a smile from your boss.

‘While Loki loves a good submissive, the camera isn’t gonna be too keen on this pout etched permanently on these lips of yours,’ she swipes at your lower lip, ‘have you texted him?’

Your pout only deepens, ‘he’s busy pep, barely even had time to reply to the meme I sent him this morning between convention booths.’ Your pulling the messages between you and Bucky up on your phone shoving it in pep’s direction, to show her the hilarious meme that reminded you so of the beefy brunette. ‘He probably didn’t even get to enjoy it,” you mutter, “sure Tony has Bucky’s phone stuffed in his back pocket while he parades ‘the soldier’ and ‘the agent’ around.’

Pepper presses your now locked phone back into your hands squatting before you, ‘you know that if Barnes had a choice between being there and here, Laufeyson would not be the one you were going to be on your knees for, he’s doing what’s been asked of him y/n,’ she continues rubbing you shoulders. ‘And you know if Loki had not been so keen to filming with you this week it would have been you instead of Carter.’

Your pout deepens further, ‘thanks for reminding me,’ you murmur fingers going for your phone to check for the umpteenth time to see if Bucky might have finally had time to respond.

Pepper plucks your phone away tucking it into her slacks, ‘pepper,’ you whine, but she shakes her head as she pushes to her feet. ‘y/n right now I need you to have your game face on, I've seen the filth you and Loki can put together and right now that's what your viewers want.’

You want to whine further, sulk deeper into your sets chair, but Peppers pulling your robe from you as she leaves you in a barely there deep emerald green set with gold chains adorning your mid-section. Her hands find your cheeks, ‘I promise I will call Tony while you are on set and let him know that Bucky has a very important meme he must see from you instantly okay?’

‘Make sure to tell him it’s urgent, and that he has to actually reply and not just put the laughing crying emoji!”

Pepper shakes her head but still gives you one more pat to your cheek before she's wrapping you up to walk you onto set, ‘remember game face, and show Laufeyson just how good his pet can kneel.’

When Pepper comes to get you she finds you sprawled and unmoving on the sets wooden floor, your emerald set now lain around you in torn shreds.

Your too blissed out to make out her hushed, ‘hold on I found her, here let me pass her to you, I think Loki may have ruined her for the rest of the week.’ You only really realize Peppers in the room with you when she's shoving your phone in your face, covering your naked form with your robe. ‘Here this is for you.’

Your dazed eyes have to blink twice at the image on your phone, a smile pulling at your lips, ‘Pepper,’ you murmur, ‘its Bucky, he’s smiling, he looks like he’s having such a good time.’

‘It would be a hell of a lot better if you were here sugar’

Your letting out a noise akin to that of a squawk as you sit up, you look at Pepper who simply shrugs, ‘you did good today kid, and I did promise you I'd make sure Bucky got to you, I'm gonna go get your slippers don’t move.’

And move you don’t think you could, so you can only watch pepper move off set and out the door before your turning back to the screen Bucky’s smile growing as he takes you in, ‘throughly fucked and your still a sight for sore eyes.’

Warmth creeps your cheeks, your fingers rubbing away at the black that streaked your cheeks, ‘please Buck, I look like a goddamned raccoon, you on the other hand,’ you trail off.

Bucky’s grin grows, ‘miss me already sugar, sure its not the cock you miss.’

Your grin mirrors his, ‘How can I miss that beautiful pink cock of yours when you’ve surprised me with it each morning since you left?’

‘Can’t have you forgetting what the best cock of your life looks like sugar, besides a nice reminder never hurt.’

That has you laughing, ‘ don’t think I could ever forget you or that pretty cock of yours.’

Bucky’s grin becomes warm as he leans in closer to the screen, ‘ya miss me sugar?’

You tuck your lower lip between your teeth as you look at the blue-grey eyed brunette on your screen, ‘you’d like that wouldn’t you, like for me to tell you how much I miss you and our coffee dates?’

A look passes over his features, ‘just want to know that you,’ he seems to go bashful for a second, though it could have just been your mind playing what you wanted to see, ‘that what Buck?’

‘That you miss me, as much as I'm missing you,’ a pause, ‘is it weird that I miss you,’ he questions ‘went from seeing you everyday for a month to not seeing you for going on a week.’

Your heart thumps heavily in your chest, a ringing in your ears, ‘y-you miss me?’

There’s that heart wrenching smile, ‘look at you pretty girl, how could I not miss you.’

There’s no controlling the warmth that floods your cheeks, your heart racing in your chest as you wish in this moment that there wasn't a screen separating the two of you.

As your lips part to let Bucky know that his feelings are indeed reciprocated there’s a small commotion on his end that has him pulling away from the screen, his image now pressed against his red henley.

A second maybe two passes before he’s coming back on screen, smile still present but now smaller, ‘hate to cut this conversation short, but I'm needed for a panel,’ you can tell there’s something he wants to say. ‘uhm you think instead of a text I can call you tonight?’

A smile pulls at your lips, ‘I'd really like that Buck,’ his grin grows, just as Pepper pops in waving her slippers at you, ‘lets hit the shower noodles!’

That has you and Bucky laughing as you promise her you’re getting up which bucky encourages you to do so before he see’s you off.

You grow brave as you hold the phone close to bid Bucky a good panel session, ‘thank you sugar, hope you don’t have too much fun in that shower,’ he teases.

‘my favorite guy’s kinda miles away from me at the moment, so I doubt I'll have any fun, will you let him know I miss him too?’

Bucky’s breathing out a strained ‘fuck’ looking at someone off camera, ‘Tony you sure I can't book an early flight home?’

That has you laughing, pepper meeting you halfway as she helps you into your slippers. You can hear Tony arguing on the other end as Pepper walks the two of you off the set, ‘Wouldn’t book an earlier flight, even if your wife said she missed you?’

The line goes silent, and there’s a blurry movement as Tony grabs the phone, he looks at the two of you, ‘booking it tonight, see you two tomorrow morning!’

Bucky barely has a chance to get a word in before the call is dropping altogether, you look over at pepper once your screen falls black, ‘what,’ she grins, ‘having Bucky home is more of a benefit for me than you, now c’mon showers, we’re the last ones here!’

[bbybaku]

hear me out, what if we got a part two to the no nut november with shiggy bc i really am wanting to hear how you’d play out the ending. maybe even having two alt endings…maybe

you are smart.

this is the ending i had planned (rough dom shig)

here is an alt ending. (soft dom shig)

warnings: long intro, sumt, teasing, degrading, slight mentions of blood, dom shig, sub reader, marking eachother up, spanking, rough sex, choking 

2.7 k words

(to clarify no nut november is when men dont nut for the entire month, destroy dick december is when men masturbate for whatever the date is. so if its the third they would have to nut three times that day.)

Day 19. you had been satisfied and your boyfriend relaxed a bit but he was still on edge. 

Shigaraki kept away for a few days, he would get busy with work or go to bed early or just play videogames nonstop in his freetime. 

you knew not to take it personal. 

he continued texting you, sending you memes, and calling you to talk about each others’ days while he gamed. but he kept his distance. 

it wasnt until day 28 that he finally came over. you made dinner and the two of you talked for hours.

shigaraki said he wanted to spend the next two nights at your apartment so that at midnight you two could finally fuck.

after the long hellish month.

after dinner while you two were laying on the couch, you were half asleep when you felt both of your boyfriends big strong calloused hands on both of your boobs.

with your back on his chest and his hands on yours you could feel him bite your neck and then whisper

“all i can ever think about is you. i wanna fuck you so hard i can see the fear in your eyes. i’m going to cover you in bruises so everyone knows youre fucking mine. i am going to fuck your every day of december so hard you won’t be able to walk until february.”

you let out a whimper just at the thought. he started sucking hickies all over your neck. you checked your phone. it was 1 am on november 29th.

“one more day” you whispered as you nuzzled into him.

he groaned into your neck and put you in a headlock.

“im letting you off now, but tomorrow night youre in for it”and with that he let go. 

he picked you up off of him and placed you next to him. he stood up and stretched. exposing just the right amount of midriff. you stared at his lower stomach, he stared at you. 

shigaraki pulled his hoodie then took your jaw in his hand, forcing you to look at him. 

“what are you looking at?” he asked with a smirk. 

you blushed and averted your eyes. 

he laughed and slung you over his shoulder with a grunt. 

“come on its bed time.”

he threw you onto the bed and you passed out. 

when you woke up he had already left for work. 

the day was long. 

you just had to wait until midnight. 

but the minutes felt like hours. 

there was nothing to do. 

well there was work to do but you didnt care for it. 

and shiggy wasnt answering his phone. 

you did just about everything you could think of at work. 

your boss let you off early. 

you went home at lunch, did the laundry, cleaned the floors, mirrors, did the dishes and dusted. 

even after that there was still an hour until shigaraki came over. 

you went on a walk. you so badly wanted to touch yourself but you knew better than that. 

he was already cranky enough. 

he would loose it more than you knew he was about to. 

you walked. picked up coffee. walked back.

it was 5:30 when you arrived back at your apartment complex.

as you walked up the stairs with coffee in hand you prayed he would be there. 

sure enough he was.

in his black slacks and black collared shirt with red vans and his hair messily in his face. you knew he had just taken it out of a bun. he was waiting in your doorway.

you had always found it hilarious that tomura shigaraki of all people worked a desk job.

“i was wondering where you went” he said calmly.

you were not calm.

you set down the coffee and ran up to him. engulfing him in a huge hug.

he was rigid initially, probably confused.

“what?” he asked while he slowly moved to hug you back.

“i don’t know i just missed you” you said, your response muffled due to your face being in his chest.

“uhh let me change first.” he said pulling away.

you hummed in response. 

the day just kept dragging on. 6 hours until midnight.

your nipples tingled while you waited for him.

he came out of your bedroom in jeans and a hoodie, you knew the hoodie because it was your favorite to steal from him.

“now what” you asked as he plopped on the couch next to you.

“why are you so needy today?” he asked not looking up from his phone.

“i just want you” you whispered. being sure to give your boyfriend your big fuck me eyes.

he glared down at you and sighed.

his arms wrapped around your waist and squeezed.

“UHHHHHH. let’s take a nap then go get food”

“okay” you whispered.

you couldn’t sleep. but your boyfriend did and he snored. shigaraki slept like a baby. for a whole 2 and a half hours.

you woke up to him squeezing your waist and inhaling your neck.

“you always smell so good.” he said into your neck.  

the two you went out for ramen bowls.

you were constantly checking the time. it was a little past 9.

your boyfriend was wearing a black hoodie and his hair was a mess from napping.

he made eye contact while slurping. 

he starting eating the noodles with a lot of tongue. 

he put his chopsticks down and put his hand in the bowl. all while holding eye contact. 

“ew tomu stop” you said backing away from him. 

shigaraki took his hand out of the bowl and laughed, whipping it off. 

dinner was a cranky blur. 

shigaraki driving you home was a cranky blur. 

sitting together on the couch while playing mario cart was a cranky blur, 

but the clock read 11:42. 

it was almost time. 

you gulped loudly. 

shigaraki had definitely been waiting for you to notice the time. 

because as soon as you tensed up next to him. he paused the video game and turned on the tv. 

“im bored of this game” he said, his had rubbing up and down your thigh occasionally pinching as your plush skin. 

“your heart is racing” he whispered. 

“ive missed you” he whispered in a calm sweet tone, which he quickly switched demeanors. Tomura Shigaraki liked sex a certain way. 

he took his free hand and pushed your face up to meet his, “youre such a desperate whore. couldnt even wait 30 days for my cock?” 

he pushed your shorts and underwear to the side, running two fingers along your slick. “youve been wetter but luckily i have a whole 13 minutes to excite you.” 

he knew how whispering made you feel. 

shigaraki took the bottom of your chin and forced you to meet his mouth, passionatly kissing but remaining in charged. 

sometimes when he kissed you he would see how much he could get you to submit. 

like today, he started with a normal makeout session, which quickly turned into him holding your face with both hands. he shoved his tongue as far in as he could get it, even going as far as to bite your tongue. 

at this point he had one hand on your face and another around your throat. he backed off the kiss and stood up. you went to look at the time but his hands still firmly planted on your face and neck stopped you. “focus on me.” 

shigaraki forced your mouth open then promptly spit in it. he tapped your cheek with his hand and walked away calling out, “wait for a second and dont swallow the gift i just gave you.”

you sat and waited. all your concentration on not swallowed the glob of his spit on his tongue. 

he came back from the bedroom not soon after, now shirtless. 

“show it to me” he said. 

you stuck your tongue out showing him, “stand” 

you did as you were told, while you were getting up shigaraki grabbed your wrist and spun you so that your back was pressed against his chest, his hands once again found your throat and your face. 

“swallow it slowly, i want to feel it.” 

your eyes darrted to the time. you still had 8 minutes until midnight ended. until november was over. 

you didnt swallow the spit. you squirmed in his grasp and said “make me” 

shigaraki released his grip from you in surprise. you turned around, looking him in the eyes and swallowing the spit. 

his mouth parted and he grabbed a handful of hair, dragging you to the bedroom. “oh you are in for it now, brat.” 

he took you to your bedroom and closed the door, “wait” he said, standing you at the end of the bed. 

he was shirtless but still wearing a watch. 

he checked the time the shoved you onto the bed, he crawled on after, stripping you of your panties and shorts and laying you face down on the bed, you ass up on his lap. 

you begged and pleaded and protested “you never say it but i know you live this shit.” shigaraki leans down to whisper in your ear. he lays a harsh and lloud slap on your ass. 

you could feel the tent in his pants as he kneaded the fat of a cheek then slapped it with his open palm. after a few good hits, he ran his fingers through your folds. from front to bak. back to front.

 2 fingers in your heat. in and out. and in and out. 

a slap on the ass. 

you could feel the tension building in your heat, but you knew shigaraki well enough to know that he wouldnt let you cum. 

a third finger in your hole. pumping and twisting and stretching. you grinded into his fingers. landing you another slap. 

you didnt have to look to know how red your ass was. when he groped you one last time it hurt. 

“wasn’t that a good way to kill time until midnight”

shigaraki said as he pushed you onto the bed so that he could get off. he stood. over you and took his pants off. he then crawled back over to you in just his boxers. 

“come on” he said lightly, trying to get you to sit up. 

“noo it hurts” you whined at shigaraki

“then dont sit on your ass”  he was getting impatient

you knelt in front of him and he pulled off your oversized shirt and unclipped your bra. 

“stand up” he commanded.

you stood up and kicked off your shorts and panties, then promptly jumped onto shigaraki. 

you landed half on him and half on the bed, he squeezed you and rolled the two of you over so that he was on top. 

you whined as your raw butt rubbed against the sheets, promting shigaraki to place a few pillows under your upper back. 

it made a slight difference but you knew that before long you wouldnt even notice the sting. 

“i love seeing you like this” he said, with a hand in his boxers. he pulled out his member, already leaking with precum and guided himself into you. 

you moaned as he entered slowly. once he was all the way in he found your neck and started sucking hickies onto your skin. 

you squirmed, needing friction. “um shig are you gonna?” 

he bit down where he was sucking. “no wait” 

you whined in response. 

both of his hands found your hands, pining you to the bed with intertwined fingers. 

everytime you bucked your hips into him he would bite at your neck. you were probably bleeding but you didnt care and neither did he. 

“shig please i need” you whined while attempting to pull your hands away from his. 

he pulled off of your neck and looked down at you. “need what? need me? you already have me inside of you, needy whore. you waited a whole month and now you cant wait ten fuckin minutes while i mark you up so everyone will know who you belong to? fuckin christ.” 

and with that shigaraki used one hand to pin your wrists together above your head and the other found the now raw skin on your neck. 

he sighed “if this is what you want” and pulled all the way out then slammed back into you. 

bottoming out would be and understatement. you did not want to imagine if you hadnt already been stretched out. with the pace he was going you knew you werent going to be able to walk tommorow or the day after that for that matter. 

his grip on your throat stopped you from being able to call out not that you wanted him to slow down or go any lighter. you had been dreaming of this for an entire month. his balls hitting your red ass at an inhumane speed, his hand on your throat, and his crimson eyes staring into your soul. 

“so fuckin hot. i love when youre like this. nothing makes me harder than the thought of you helpless underneath me.” 

you moved your hands a little, signaling that you wanted him to let go, which he did. you brought one hand up to his hair and another to his back. 

you started rubbing his scalp, making your way down to his shoulders and upper back. doing the opposite with the other hand, scratching his back while working your way up tp his shoulders. 

if he had marked you up, you were going to do the same to him.

he hissed when you broke the skin on his shoulder, but his look of pain quickly turned into a smirk. he took his free hand and shoved two fingers in your mouth, pushing them as far back as he could go. making sure you were drooling all over his hand and yourself. making sure you were gagging around his fingers and still not giving. 

you removed a hand from his back and pulled him from your mouth. 

he laughed the put the fingers in his mouth, licking your spit off. 

he then took that hand down to your clit. shigaraki had one hand on your clit and the other around your neck. 

just how you liked it. 

“dont cum without permission.” shigaraki grunted out. 

“mmmmh” you hummed in response, you had wrapped a hand around his wrist, the one you were wearing like a choker. your other hand was still scratching his back. 

his thrusts were still fast and still powerful, he masterfully hit your gspot just about every time. you listened to his soft grunts and the sound of his balls slapping your ass. it only stung a little.

he must have noticed you zoning out as his long skinny fingers teased over your clit. 

your eyes met his, both your hand found his wrist, “beg” he whispered. 

“p-please sir, ive been dreaming of you for an entire month. i j-just want to cum with you” 

with that his thrusts grew staggered, “we can make that happen” 

you held on to the tension in your lower stomach, waiting for his signal. he continued to rub your clit, he knew exactly where the little bundle of nerves was. he touched it slowly and sensually. it didnt match the pace of his hips because he used much more thought when pleasuring you. 

“i can feel you shaking” he whispered. 

you whimpered. 

“is it okay if i cum in you?” he whispered

you nodded to the best of your ability, his grip on your neck loosening. you still squeezed his arm, being sure to use your fingernails so everyone knew he had a girlfriend. 

he moaned and threw his head up. 

the tension inside of you released. you came around his cock, your walls clenching and releasing over and over, milking his cock. 

while you rode out your high, he came inside of you. moaning dramatically as you whined beneath him. 

he removed his hand from your throat then the hand from your clit and collapsed on top of you. 

both of you heavy breathing. 

“thank you” you whispered while stroking his hair. 

he slowly crawled off of you and stood up. 

“come to the bathroom we gotta get you cleaned up” he said softly. 

“can you help me”  

he picked you up bridal style and carried you to the bathroom, the two of you admired the marks made by each other. he sat and waited while you peed and took a bath. praising you over and over. 

he moved from the toilet seat to sitting on the floor next to you and asked “so do you know what destroy dick december is?”

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