#i posted one a while back but i don’t like it anymore. it’s Incorrect | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

goldenlevi · 2 years ago

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note: ok, so i posted it here properly. if you prefer to read it on ao3 here other works: here / i hope you enjoy, happy new year everyone

A loud sound in the distance woke you up.

Unsure of what it was exactly, as you were still groggy with sleep, a yawn escaped your lips while your arms stretched in front of you. For a moment, you thought you were back at your apartment and not in a public library.

Right.

You should be studying, not sleeping. The fault wasn’t entirely yours though. The previous day, you were stuck inside the Hospital following your mentor for the next six months which forced you to spend the night studying for an upcoming exam that was draining you. That’s how you end up in the library today next to Chishiya.

He was supposed to be helping you, and vice versa, not letting you fall asleep on top of dusty books. You looked down, as a frown took over your face. Why the fuck are they dusty? And where the hell was he? Your head turned in search for the blond. It only took a couple of seconds to notice that the setting was not exactly right.

It was the same familiar library, sure, one that you’ve set foot in many times. The same one in which you even met Chishiya in. But in spite of that, uneasiness was all you felt.

Too quiet, you thought. No traffic sounds were heard, no sighs from tired students nor any fingers pressing on keyboards in a hurry. Your legs moved before you could tell them to and practically jogged to the nearest windows. Just as you thought…empty streets. That is impossible, a voice inside your head argued. Shibuya doesn’t equal to empty streets nor any form of quiet. In fact, it was the exact opposite.

This had to be some type of illusion… a dream! yeah! You were still dreaming, it’s not like you were a stranger to lucid dreams and it would explain why you’re all alone. Well done, you pat yourself in the back.

“I know what you’re thinking; it’s not a dream” Your boyfriend’s voice rang through the room, another reminder of the silence. He cuts your train of thought off utterly unbothered. “There’s no one here” He says, beginning to walk over in your direction.

You turned your back to the windows, following his voice. You click your tongue, “That’s exactly what dream you would say. Even in my head you argue with me” He rolls his eyes upon hearing the answer your brain decides to come up with. Yet, until this day they still held a slightly less harsh stare as soon as he takes you in. His little smirk however, doesn’t flatter.

“Hmm” Your eyes barely have time to register his fingers as they quickly flick your forehead. Once and then again.

“Ouch! You asshole” You slap his hand away, rubbing your forehead. “Ok, fine I see your point”

🃏🃏🃏

Your eyes scanned your surroundings, not quite knowing what to make of it. Where were you? Both of you walked through the streets, ultimately deciding to go to your apartment since it was closer.

Everything felt…off. “What is this place?” Even then, your voice sounded foreign to your own ears. It was truly like you had been sucked out of your own reality and placed in a mirrored version of your world.

“Tokyo”

You rolled your eyes. Idiot.

“I'm serious. It may look like it but it doesn’t seem like we’re there anymore” Each time your eyes picked on something new, more and more questions followed.

“Dorothy~ I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore” he said playfully in your ear. Knowing that he was trying to make you feel more relaxed about the situation you both found yourselves in; you couldn’t help but smile. Chishiya was always playful, at least to you. Others generally seemed not being able to get past the arrogance and coldness. It wasn’t that they were making an incorrect assumption, only a superficial one.

“How long do you think has it been?” He asked while taking a look around the familiar place you used to call home.

“At least a month, I'm sure of it. I don’t know how though...this feeling of uncertainty — I don’t like it” You then noticed a few items that were out of place. “Someone’s been here” Your voice slightly raised as slow burning agitation filled your body.

The feeling of invasion of privacy was a foreign one. One you didn't know how to deal with just yet. People have been inside your house - messing with your things who knows what they could have taken? What could they have seen?

From the library to your apartment, if you could still call it that, you didn’t hear a sound. However, he pointed out stores that had been broken into, cars left in the middle of the street and so on..

If there’s really people out there, being able to enter anywhere and everywhere, if there’s no one to stop them…then…what else could they been doing?

That same night, while walking aimlessly through familiar streets that no longer held any attachment, you both spot bright lights coming out of a building. At the same time, your bodies turned to each other and spoke without words.

In less than a mere five minutes, those same bright lights stared at you seemingly mocking you. Curiosity filled you from the moment you had woken up and now you suspect some of it was going to be satisfied.

One hour later you found yourself staring at the same piece of paper together.

A small one with a bold title of ‘VISA’ right in the center of it. Immigration status Certificate.

What the- Better yet how did these people know your names, and how did they just decide to attribute points to the game you had just played.

“Valid until Monday. Hm, I wonder what fate awaits if a person lets it expire” He mused. His eyes glanced at you in anticipation.

“We just played a game where four people died just because they made the wrong choice. What do you think happens?” You asked rhetorically, arching your eyebrows.

“Ah yes. I just wanted to hear you say that you’ll continue playing” He shrugged, crushing the paper, letting it fall on the floor.

A teenager that survived alongside you both, shared all the information they knew. Apparently, this place was called Boderland. The amount of people who were actively there participating in the games was unknown.

The black haired teenager looked at the two of you as if they were waiting for a new answer.

“All of us saw fireworks before we got here. Did-did you guys see them too?” You almost felt bad at how their voice shook, clearly longing for new information that could help figure out this surely long puzzle.

They confirmed that in order to survive, everyone was forced to play the games. But, you could also die in them. You weren't certain how long they had been there. The only certainty you had so far was that not many people would view the challenges as you and Chishiya did.

You shook your head with a small smile. “Did you?” They asked Chishiya. He stared at them before answering, contemplating if he should answer truthfully or not. He concluded they seemed harmless and so he said, “I heard them at first, then saw them through the windows” He explained no further.

In addition, you also learned that the games take place each evening and it could happen anywhere. Each game had their own set of rules, making them highly unpredictable. The one thing they had in common was the fact the symbols had a meaning and you could gain information if you paid enough attention.

“Clubs are team based games, you can generally win them with teamwork. Spades: Mostly physical as they test your endurance” They paused. “Diamonds, well, those are made for testing intelligence, and problem-solving skills. The hardest one is Hearts. Hearts have no limits,they test everything, attack you physiologically and easily manipulate you”

“Sounds fun” You hear him say under his breath, resulting in you discreetly lightly pinching his side. Last thing you need is the only person kind enough to give you any type of explanation to think you’re nuts.

After that first game, they decided not to play the second one together. It would be risky since you wouldn’t have the means to know what type of game it would be beforehand. If they had to let lives end in exchange of their own, then there’s no reason why they should complicate it even further.

🎲🎲

Sunday Evening

You had just cleared a game.

The wind hit your hair as you ran, your feet moved one after the other without guidance, as the adrenaline remained in your veins being pumped through your blood stream.

Suddenly your eyes became hyper aware of the surroundings and you found yourself exactly in the spot you previously had agreed to meet Chishiya.

There he was, leaning on the empty store’s front wearing a blank expression as he often did. His eyes were dark as night, observing everything that moved.

You stopped beside him; leaning backwards allowing your head to hit the wall while a breathy laugh escaped your lips. “Fuck” you swore nearly panting. “Can you believe this? This is incredible. Whoever designed this, got a lot of inspiration from Saw”

“Saw?” He repeated, arching an eyebrow. You nodded, smiling wide just for him.

Chishiya turned his head towards you, searching for any possible injuries. Only after making sure you were physically unharmed, did relief fill him. Even now, it still felt like a strange feeling for the blond.

He then chuckled shaking his head in disbelief, “When the game ended, I was scared of one thing,” he placed one hand on his girlfriend’s cheek pulling you towards him. His mouth ghosted yours, teasing you as it always does. “that you wouldn’t find this as much fun as I did”

He pressed his lips against yours, speaking through a simple kiss. A pressing kiss, which screamed euphoria. He was happy that, once again, you found mutual pleasure.

Chishiya wouldn’t say it, nevertheless it wouldn’t be untrue, but he couldn’t bear to lose you. So, he spoke through his mouth right on yours grabbing you by the waist while biting your bottom lip teasingly. He decided that if he made all the right decisions he could have it all. And he would make sure of it.

Your hands met his neck touching him possessively. With nails grazing his skin, you deepened the kiss. Your tongue met his slowly wanting to taste him all of him.

Kissing him always felt too good. But something in the adrenaline and in the strange land made it feel fucking fantastic.

A week ago you were studying for an exam, today you had just fought for your life in a place where nothing matters. You decided right there and then you would rather live through a hundred todays especially if by the end of it, you got to have a kiss like that.

Their hearts pounded memories of the game they had just played behind their eyelids.His knuckles tightened around her clothes. And he kissed her like he wanted to scream he felt free.

Unprecedentedly, he was free.

#my writing #mine #chishiya alice in borderland #alice in boderland x reader #alice in boderland fics #chishiya shuntaro x you #chishiya x reader #chishiya imagine #chishiya fic #aib chishiya #chishiya fanfic

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better-call-mau1 · 1 year ago

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sooo i'm curious about Nephews (And Nieces) Of Inexplicable Origin.... (Is it possibly what I think it is?? 😆)

Thanks for the ask! It most certainly is!!! 🤪😁 I had to go back and find our reblog chain with @that-one-loth-cat which started with your “Bo-Katan’s Obitine Flashbacks” (and this Satine & Sabine incorrect quote)…but yeah, the ‘nephew’ in question is Korkie, and the ‘niece’ is a Sabezra kiddo. 😉 The fic chronicles Bo’s saltiness over Satine passing off Korkie as her nephew, and she eventually gets to hit Ursa with an I told you so! that’s about 20-25 years in the making.

I didn’t have too much of this written when you sent the ask a few days ago, but I couldn’t help myself, so I finished the whole first scene. 😅

And fair warning, this snippet is from the POV of young Death Watch Bo-Katan, so there’s a fair amount of Star Wars cursing, i.e. variations of ‘kark’ and ‘kriff’. (Also, I gave Korkie a real name since ‘Korkie’ feels like a nickname. I’m not sold on it, though…might post a poll with a bunch of different candidates for what ‘Korkie’ could be short for.)

(Link to the WIP list for the ask game.)

“And then she had the audacity to call him her nephew! Her nephew! That’s how she decided to explain the baby she brought back with her! It doesn’t make any kriffing sense. I’m her only sister — her only sibling — so how do you think that made me look?”

Bo growled into her cup of tihaar and, rather brashly, swallowed down the rest in three fierce gulps. Her throat ached and eyes threatened to water, but not so badly that it blunted her ire over the red-haired little karker Satine introduced to her years ago.

Not that he was such a little karker anymore — Korkelan would be twelve now, and Bo wondered if he’d managed to connect the dots (of which there were only two, his ‘aunt’ and her Jedi protector), that had taken her all of five seconds to connect herself. The whole affair was more suspicious than a Jawa in a droid bar, and she had no doubt that it would explode in Clan Kryze’s face someday.

Glancing up, Bo found that her friend didn’t seem to be all that concerned with the not-so-inexplicable origins of her nephew.

Handle pinched between forefinger and thumb, Ursa bent her spoon back, preparing to catapult a red lentil across the banquet table. “One moment,” she murmured, squinting in the dim lighting of the tent. Slumped low in her chair to remain inconspicuous, she waited for the Saxon brothers to take their seats at the other end, each with a fresh cup of tihaar — one of the few tastes of Mandalore they still enjoyed on Carlac.

The head of the spoon sprang from her fingers, sending the lentil hurling across the table, soaring over Pre Vizsla’s bald head, and plunging right into Gar Saxon’s drink with a PLOP!

For a few long seconds, he stared down at the floaty in his cup. Stunned confusion morphed into disgust (as if a mynok had flown into the tent and taken a kriff on his plate), which simmered into a blind rage directed at the most likely culprit:

Skinny, slimy, pretentious Tiber.

“Aruetyc upstart,” Gar growled — and before the younger Saxon could utter a word of self-defense, his arm shot across the table and grabbed him by the collar of his bodyglove, lifting him off his feet and heaving him to the other side of the tent like a sack of joguns.

Ursa snickered in delight, sinking back and crossing her arms while watching the Brawn of Clan Saxon march over to the Brains and clobber him like a rabid rancor.

“I’m sure Count Saxon sleeps well at night knowing his clan’s future is in the hands of those two kriffhead di’kuts.”

Twirling her dinner knife, Bo leaned forward, planting her elbows on the table.

“Well, if you don’t want the future of Clan Wren to be in even worse shape, you should take my story as a warning. Anywhere you go in the galaxy these days, there are philanderering Jedi Knights preying on honest, Forge-going Mando girls. They whip out their lightsabers and put on a show with their perverse telekinetic shenanigans, and next thing you know, your sister is carrying around a ‘nephew.’ All it takes is one romantic jetpack ride. Mark my words.”

Ursa pried her attention away from the one-sided brawl to give Bo a flat, unconvinced look.

“Right. I’ll start worrying about Sab’ika going on romantic jetpack rides with unscrupulous Jedi boys when she can chew solid food.”

#hehehehehehe #this was really fun to write lol #it’s easy to forget that Bo-Katan and Ursa and Gar Saxon were all in Death Watch together #and I just threw in Tiber too because he’s such a sleemo #at least Gar was an evil himbo #anyway anyway the whole idea here is that Bo is all “PSA: hide your sisters/daughters from Jedi boys!!!!”#and Ursa is like “whatever my two month old infant would NEVER grow up to fall in love with some padawan”#and then that two month old infant DOES grow up #and she DOES meet a Jedi padawan #and she DOES fall in love with him and have an inexplicable little niece #and then Bo gets to drop an ‘I told you so’ that she’s been sitting on for decades #and she also shares a moment of solidarity with Tristan #jessicas-pi #thanks for the ask!#sabezra #obitine #bo katan kryze #ursa wren #sabezra fanfiction

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sleepy-razor · 2 years ago

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Request!!: I would sell my soup to Satan for you to write a Xiao x reader fanfiction where Xiao is clumsily trying to figure out "modern mortal courting" cause (at least in my hc anyway) he's vaugely aware of really old courting traditions but is trying to learn new ones for his s/o.

Notes: Anon when I tell you I laughed so hard from reading the first line, I mean it. I’m guessing you meant to type “soul” and it didn’t quite work out for you, but regardless it was a good laugh. I did my best with researching dating culture in older China compared to now, but if there’s anything incorrect that you guys catch, please let me know as I am not Chinese or Asian in any capacity!

Warnings: I don’t think there are any here? As always, if you think I should have posted a warning for anything in my works, please let me know and I can correct it!

Characters: Xiao, GN!Reader, Reader’s parents(only mentioned)

To say that Xiao was a bit out of touch with human culture is an understatement

He has no clue how to go about starting a relationship in the ways people do it nowadays

He’s more familiar with the traditional way of doing things, although he’s never wanted to partake.

He’s used to arranged marriages, no dating required, and those are always set up by the parents rather than the parties actually involved, so when you approach him and ask him if he’d like to go on a date with you, he’s at a loss.

Poor guy is so clueless, he’s stiff as a board on your first date and he didn’t do great as a conversation partner.

He was surprised when you wanted to go on a second date.

To be completely honest, he was surprised you wanted to go out with him in general. He sees himself as nothing more than a weapon at Morax’s expense, so the thought of you liking him as a person?? Unheard of.

He’s a bit apprehensive at the thought of a second date, worried that you’ll be tainted by his karma if you got too close, but he decides to just let it be.

He eases into it eventually, but please be patient with him, he has no idea how this works.

“I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

“Won’t your parents be upset that you’re going against their wishes?”

If it had been anyone else, you’d expect them to burst out laughing and claim they were just messing with you, but Xiao looks dead serious as he stares at you from across the table.

Confused, you put your spoon back down on the wooden tabletop. “Against what wishes?”

Xiao frowns. “Did your parents not arrange a marriage for you?”

“Arrange a what?”

“Is… that not the practice anymore?”

Xiao sounds so utterly clueless when he asks you this question, watching you with wide eyes that sparkled with curiosity and self-consciousness.

“For some families, probably,” you answer, waving your hand. “But not mine. I’m as free as a bird!”

You grin at him, and return to your food as Xiao falls into a thoughtful silence.

In all honesty, Xiao is relieved to hear that your parents aren’t upset with your decision.

He ends up approaching Yanfei and Ganyu to ask how to arrange dates, and while Ganyu isn’t able to help much, Yanfei is able to direct him to someone who CAN help.

It takes a while, but he slowly eases into the modern practices, although he’s still learning, so please go easy on him and give him feedback. He just wants to impress you and make you happy.

#genshin impact x reader #xiao x reader #genshin impact xiao #genshin impact xiao x reader #xiao x you #xiao x y/n #twilighttheatre

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quietwings-fics · 1 year ago

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and so the tower fell

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Fandom: Supernatural Ship: Samifer Additional Tags: Enochian (Supernatural), Enochian-Speaking Sam Winchester, With A Twist, Angst, angst masquerading as cute scenes, Post-Lucifer's Cage Sam Winchester, Memory Related, Languages, Universe Alteration, Ambiguous/Open Ending Wordcount: 1941 Podfic Length: 16:26 Summary:

Lucifer taught Sam how to speak Enochian in the Cage.

The spell calls for a few lines of Enochian chanting.

The logical thing in this situation is to call Cas, see if he’s up for doing it. It’s his language, and he’s the one least likely to fuck it up. Dean’s out, because even with the words written out phonetically, he can’t get them to sound quite right. Sam...

“I’ll do it,” he says, just as Dean is about to pass off the role to Castiel. They both glance at him, Dean with a raised eyebrow and Cas’s brow furrowing. Sam’s read and reread the lines over a dozen times now. He can practically feel the words vibrating from where he’s keeping them under his tongue. Dean shrugs.

“Hey, let Sam show off his nerd brain,” he tells Cas. Castiel’s brow furrows even more, if that’s possible.

“Are you sure you know the pronunciation, Sam?” Sam nods. Pronunciation? That was the first lesson, the very basics. Sam could hold a conversation. Sam could recite entire prayers and verses in Enochian. Sam knows the language like he was born speaking it, and sometimes he still talks to himself in it. It brings him back to before.

(“Are you sure this is how it sounds?” Sam asked in English. Lucifer looked annoyed.

“Yes, Sam, I’m sure.”

“It’s just...” Sam licked his lips, turning the words over in his mind, the way they had rolled so easily off of Lucifer’s tongue. “I think I learned some Enochian topside. It didn’t sound like this.”

“Do you really think any human understands our language better than I could? None of you heard it for centuries.” He smiles at Sam, sweet, almost indulgent. “Except for you, now. Don’t you feel special.” It’s only teasing, but Sam focuses, gets his words in order.

“Yes, I do.” He speaks the Enochian the way Lucifer taught him this time. (Because of course, the first thing Lucifer ever taught him to say was yes, even if that can’t mean what it once did anymore.) It doesn’t sound anything like the books he once read said it would, but it sounds right in his mouth the same way it does in Lucifer’s. Lucifer’s smile widens.

“Oh, Sam.” He sounds delighted. Sam finds himself smiling back.)

“I’m sure.” A few hundred, or a thousand years, or an eternity later, because time never really worked in Hell, and Sam forgets more words in English now than he ever does in Enochian. He can even see where whoever translated this spell did it wrong, and he’s already fixing the Enochian in his own head, replacing a few words and changing the sentence structure. He’s not sure how Cas didn’t catch it, but maybe it wasn’t incorrect enough to matter. It matters to Sam.

They go through the motions of setting up the spell, and all the while, those words are buzzing in Sam’s head. It’s the opportunity of it that excites him, a chance to speak aloud a language he’s confined to his own whispers, a chance to show that Lucifer’s lessons were still useful, could still help Sam even when he wasn’t there to talk to anymore. Sam’s thought about asking Castiel to converse with him in Enochian before, briefly. That would invite too many questions, how Sam knows the language beyond spellwork, when he learned, who taught him, and then he’d be staring down the barrel of pity or distrust again. He’s not sure which is worse at this point.

This is an acceptable middle ground. Castiel and Dean won’t question him knowing this. He can say the words out loud, feel the thrum of them in his throat again. Sam wants to hear himself say them. He wants to close his eyes and hear the words echo and pretend, for a moment, that someone will speak back.

(“Tell me something,” Sam said. Lucifer was rearranging a sky that did not really exist above them. He was frowning as the stars darted and flickered in and out. Sam couldn’t tell how close he was getting to the real night sky, but some of it must have been off or Lucifer wouldn’t look so tense. Sam leaned back further into Lucifer, and Lucifer looked at him. The frustration melted away.

“Like what?” His hand came up to stroke Sam’s hair. Sam remembered being scared the first time Lucifer touched him here, not just because it was Lucifer, although, yes, but because it had felt like no physical touch he’d ever experienced. Sam could remember freaking out, but he couldn’t recall what he compared this against, what being touched felt like when you were only flesh and bone and not soul and grace.

“Anything. For practice. I want to see if I can understand it without context.” Lucifer tilted his head. His eyes were nothing like the stars twinkling far away above them. They were closer to supernovas, a never-ending explosion at the core of him, terrifying and glorious.

“The language of angels was made for your tongue,” Lucifer said. “My siblings never made it sound so perfect.” Sam swallowed.

“I was thinking more of a fun fact or something.” Lucifer leaned down to kiss his forehead.

“That is a fact.”)

“Ready?” Dean asks. Sam and Cas both nod. Sam can feel his heart beating faster. A few more seconds. For a moment, he can almost hear Lucifer’s voice, and he worries he’s hallucinating again.

(“Sam.” Lucifer was perched on his bed. Lucifer was still in the Cage. “Talk to me. You’ll forget how otherwise.” Sam glanced towards the motel bathroom. Dean’s shower was loud enough that he wasn’t too worried about being heard, as long as he kept his voice low.

“And if I make a mistake, you’re not going to be able to correct me,” Sam pointed out, “because you are me.” His hallucination inclined his head, accepting the rebuttal. There was a subtle wrongness in the way he moved. Every time Sam saw this version of Lucifer, the gap between him and the real thing grew wider, but Sam couldn’t bring himself to shut this out yet, not when it was all he had, a walking talking memory.

“Do it anyway. It’ll make you feel better.” Sam’s chest ached. It needed to remind him every now and then that there was a hole there that would never be filled back up. That Lucifer was right, and they were the missing pieces of each other, and the moment the puzzle came together, the universe came along and pulled Sam’s piece back out.

“What do I even talk about?”

“Whatever you want. Tell me about your day.” Sam snorted humorlessly.

“You weren’t there. It sucked. Same song-”

“Different verse,” Lucifer finished. Sam knew he goaded the hallucination into it on purpose, if that was even something you could do with a figment of your imagination, but it was just close enough to something the real Lucifer said to ease the hurt a little. Sam bent down to get a change of clothes out of his bag. “I miss you,” Lucifer said, quietly.

“I-” Sam responded.

“What did you say?” Dean interrupted. Sam hadn’t heard his shower end. He shut his mouth. Lucifer was gone.

“Nothing.” It took him a moment too long to translate Dean’s words, find the right response in English. The look Dean was giving him let Sam know exactly how little he believed him.

“Sam, you know you can talk to me...” Dean pushed. Sam straightened, holding his clothing close to his chest.

“You better not have used all the hot water,” he said and fled the scene.)

Sam runs a hand through his hair. Dean gives him the go signal.

He opens his mouth, and the words spill out, and they’re perfect and right and he missed them-

He speaks for about twelve seconds before Cas shouts at him to stop, and he falters in surprise. Cas looks horrified, as though Sam has been slaughtering babies with his bare hands and not simply talking.

“Cas, what’s wrong?” Dean asks, reaching out to put a hand on the angel’s shoulder. Cas startles badly, eyes still locked on Sam. Sam feels himself shrink back from that gaze.

“Where,” Castiel demands, and though his voice is hard as iron, his face is a cascade of expressions, all of them ruled by a combination of horror and confusion, “did you learn that?” Sam can’t breathe.

“From-” He struggles for something, for the right word, and it’s there in Enochian, from another hunter, from a book, anywhere but from Lucifer himself, but he can’t translate any of those thoughts into English fast enough.

“So he mispronounced a few things, Cas, calm down. We’ll start over, and you can say the magic words this time.” Cas shakes his head.

“No. This wasn’t a mispronunciation. It was far too consistent. And... archaic.” Cas almost sounds angry when he continues. “Who taught you this? It’s wrong.” He spits the word out.

“I don’t understand,” Sam says.

“The way you speak hurts. Enochian is harmonious, it’s... beautiful. I can barely stand to hear what you’re saying, Sam.” Dean is giving Sam a weird look now. Sam can’t see a way out of this.

“I can explain.”

“It feels... defiled. I’m not even sure how someone could twist our language like that.” Cas continues.

“Lucifer,” Sam says, "he taught me.” Dean’s mouth twists angrily. Cas looks... less so.

“So, what, that son of a bitch shoved a cursed version of Enochian in Sam’s head?” It’s not cursed or defiled, Sam wants to protest, it was his, it’s ours, it’s the only part of him left in me. He doesn’t say any of that. Castiel and Dean don’t know what happened in the Cage. They know Sam came back with damage, a fuckton of damage, and they’d assumed Lucifer was a part of it, if not the sole cause. Sam’s pretty sure any attempt to defend Lucifer at this point will lead to accusations of Stockholm Syndrome or worse, so he’s keeping quiet.

Castiel is watching him. He still looks shaken, but there’s something else there. Something sad.

“No, Dean,” he says. He takes a deep breath. “Sam, Lucifer was alone for a very long time.”

“So?” Sam knows. Sam was there. Sam was the reason he wasn’t alone anymore, until Dean and Cas tore them apart.

“What you’re speaking is not Enochian.” Cas sounds like he’s trying for gentle and missing by a mile. “Not anymore.”

(“Thank you,” Lucifer said as he trailed a hand down Sam’s bare chest, a tease that may or may not lead to sex.

“For what?” Sam reached down to take his hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing along Lucifer’s fingers and palm and wrist. Lucifer watched him, pleased.

“Many things,” he murmured, “but right now, for talking with me.” He stroked Sam’s cheek, back down his neck and his chest again, fingers tracing the tattoo that had done nothing at all to ever keep him out. “It’s one of the last connections I have to them.” He looked so tired, Sam realized. “They cast me out, Sam. Michael destroyed my wings beyond any hope of healing. They condemned me to silence outside of the revelations of the Host. But they could not make me forget my own tongue.” Sam reached up, pulled Lucifer closer, and the angel came without much protest, laying in Sam’s arms. “I spoke it to myself for centuries, and now, here you are, willing to learn and converse with me.”

“Of course I would. I love you,” Sam said before kissing him. Lucifer sighed happily.

“Beautiful,” he said.)

(Enjoyed it? Any interaction is welcomed. You can even support me on Ko-Fi <3)

#fanfiction #podfic #podfic length: 10 to 20 minutes #teen and up audiences #1001-5000 #samifer #dean & sam #castiel & sam #sam winchester #lucifer spn #castiel spn #dean winchester #angst #cagefic

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teamgamble · 2 years ago

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Team Gamble Shadow Pokemon Crisis Meeting

Judas slammed the side of the abandoned warehouse with the side of his forearm. “God fucking DAMMIT, why did they have to come back here out of all places!?” Laz wasn’t incorrect, the Orrish boy was extremely unhappy about this. No wonder, Isaac thought, she wouldn’t be happy either if he was in their position.

All thirteen members of Team Gamble were in here. Presumably once belonging to a small company, they had taken it as their own, decorating it with tables, lights, beanbags, and other amenities. The shutters were rusted shut, but there was a way in only those who have been inside knew of. Team Star actually used this as a base, once, before it grew so much Team Star required multiple separate large scale bases all over Paldea. Perhaps that’s why they don’t do anything anymore, whereas with a smaller team it was easier to coordinate plans.

“I know this is a stressful time,” Isaac piped up, “but we need to keep our wits about us. Team Snagem are scary for sure, but if they were beaten back once, people can do it again.” “They ain’t making it easy though,” Samson pointed out, sitting up in his beanbag chair. “They’re skulking ‘round in the shadows and shit like that. I mean, motherfuckers nabbed Pokemon from Larry just ‘cause he dared to eat lunch in a restaurant. Snagem’s ain’t the sort to play fair.”

“So why should we?” Azazel grinned, leaning forward. They were silent up to this point, silently petting their own Staraptor, Starlo. “I mean, they’re probably gonna go straight for our ‘Mon in a battle, right? What’s keeping us from joining the battle and breaking their kneecaps?” There was a tense aura around them. They could see their own starter Pokemon getting injected in the shoulder blade and thrashing about instead of Larry’s Staraptor--something they boiled their blood.

“Violence isn’t always the answer, you know,” Maggie said, but she was interrupted by her stepbrother. “No, no, they got a point,” Isaac said, standing up. “We can’t have our Pokemon be the only ones fighting for innocent lives. I think it’s time we also do our part.” He looked at Jacob. “How good are we on money? Because I doubt we can get self-defense weapons with League Points.” “Very very good!” the brunette boy clapped (and a “thanks to me” from his lighter haired twin which earned the latter a glare). “We might have enough to arm everyone here!” “And I don’t need ‘em,” Samson spoke up. “In fact, I could probably teach y’all a bit of how to wrestle a Pokemon. Don’t Shadow Pokemon like going for the trainer anyway?”

Beth nodded. “Yes, but no. Isaac, may I?” Isaac nodded back at her, and Beth stood up and walked over to the used Smartboard Eden had managed to salvage a while back. She pulled up a slide, which contained her research and clips from the videos the Team Snagem blog posted. “Shadow Pokemon being emotionless is in fact, mostly a myth. It’s more like hatred and anger driving them forward, because a major part of the process involves trauma, along with whatever agent is being used to help close the door to their hearts. I’d detail the process more, but, well...” Beth leaned forward on the nearby computer and pulled up two tabs on The Koiking’s Pond blog. “Here’s a bit of reading, I think the owner behind this could explain it better than I do.” “But as for who Shadow Pokemon target...it’s less that they prefer opposing Trainers, and more that they’re indiscriminate,” Beth explained. “Opposing Pokemon, opposing Trainers, even their allies and their own Trainer. You can get them to focus their attacks, but it takes training. You’re sacrificing effort ,the Pokemon’s own health, and others’ health for more power, essentially.”

Beth switched back over to the Groovyle Slide, showing some photos from Orre’s Snagem-Cipher crisis that came from before they were all even born. “Snagem at first got their Pokemon from Cipher, and they may have picked back up the reins, but they were the original makers of Snag Balls and Snag Machines. Only an ex-Grunt managed to get the original model to turn them back on them, but I have reason to believe they may have newer and up to date models. It’s in the name, after all.” Beth looked back at the others. “In short, if we encounter a Snagem grunt and win, don’t just take their Pokemon. Take every equipment they might have. If they happen to have Snag Balls or a Snag Machine on them, we want them. Then we can capture back the Pokemon they stole and turned into Shadow Pokemon.”

#pokemon irl #in universe #((in which azazel proposes violence and everyone agrees))

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tech-depression-inventory · 5 months ago

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hey friends!

some of you have been following me for a while, some of you are new, welcome! i’m gonna go on a bit of a personal rant here so, feel free to read or not or just read the tldr.

cw/tw: mentions of separation, toxic relationships, moving towns, haven rambles about their personal life for a while, medical discussions, autoimmune disorders

tldr: life flipped me upside down and fucked me and that’s why i haven’t been posting or super active

i don’t often talk about personal stuff on here but figured i’d provide some context as to why everything’s a mess and i haven’t been writing/posting like i said i would, or like i used to.

back in january i split from my long term partner who’d i thought i would marry, right down to having matching tattoos, and calling him my husband on here often. to make a long story short; the relationship was very toxic. it wasn’t a healthy situation for me anymore, and im happy to be where i am now. luckily my name wasn’t on any paperwork for our apartment (since i live in BC Canada there’s something called “common law” if your names on paperwork), and i was able to get out of living there quite quickly and easily. i’ve traveled the country since then, got to see sleep token, made new friends, seen and done tons of new things, and feel truly blessed with the life i have now.

as some of you may know from my posts, i have been diagnosed with celiac disease, and im also in the process of being diagnosed with POTS, both of which can be super draining on my body and mental state. im trying really hard to push through and continue to move my body as much as possible to maintain my health. i’ve taken to bringing my ipad to the gym and reading fics on it while running on the treadmill, as apparently thats supposed to be good for me, the juries still out on that one.

i also graduated university during this time and will be starting my career in the fall! i’m hoping that having a proper work life balance will allow me to start publishing more on here and on ao3 like i’ve wanted to, and being a more active part in my fandoms.

i’m still a huge SW fan, even if my page has shifted more into the bad omens/sleep token genres. Star Wars is still very near and dear to my heart, but was something my partner and i watched together, hence the matching lightsaber tattoos, and can sometimes be a little hurtful sometimes. but alas, you will still see me reblogging SW content that i read on here, as a lot of my mutuals are from that fandom, and i love to support them.

i’ve got all sorts of stuff on this page, I will be going through and organizing it now that i have more time to make my page a little less confusing. i’ll be posting my current readings, fic recommendation lists and my own fics again in a masterlist either today or tomorrow, once i have the whole thing organized. i’ve been writing a ton to keep my mind off everything and as an outlet while dealing with my issues, and hopefully i’ll be able to edit and post some of those soon. for now, you’ll continue to see me reblogging art, fics and some other nonsense stuff about bad omens, sleep token, and whatever else i come across.

i’ll probably go back to posting some incorrect quotes as i come up with them, since that’s how i gained a lot of my traction. i’m also planning on starting up streaming on twitch again, so i’ll be posting a stream schedule once i get my room all set up for it!

anyways, if you made it this far, thanks for listening to my rambling. as always, if yall ever need anyone or are going through something similar to what i went through, please reach out, i’m always happy to talk about literally anything. this blog has always been my outlet and has been and always will be a safe space for everyone.

love always,

haven <3

#queen haven #haven talks #haven rambles #tw: personal talks

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fnaf-fanatical · 1 year ago

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(I tried uploading the audio file but tumblr doesn't like me for some reason :[ )

Anyways:

School Project

I’ve been writing for a while, which actually started through here because tumblr posts with incorrect quotes led me to reading stories, which in turn made me start writing them. I was 11 or 12 at the time, fresh into my first real fandom, and very into wattpad stories, which as anyone on this site will know are unhinged, unedited, and due to the fact that most people writing there are very young like I was, are more than often lower quality than other writing sites (which is not to hate on wattpad writers - i’ve actually even read some really good and profound stories on there, both fanfic and otherwise, but that’s not the vast majority of the site, at least from what I’ve seen).

Honestly I first started writing because not only did it let me make the things I want to see - and was the start of my maladaptive daydreams though I didn’t know anything about that yet - but because it was also an outlet. Life was shitty, and it showed me that other people struggled, that my favorite characters could suffer from anxiety and depression and just shitty mental health, and that meant that I could project onto them. I wasn’t the one who wanted to kill myself dramatically or mutilate my body to get people to finally recognize I was in pain, the character was. I was too scared to ever harm myself physically, at least with a blade or the way I’d seen depicted in stories, but when I wrote, it didn’t matter how realistic it was or how gorey or graphic, because it was all fictional, and the rules were fake anyways.

And over time, obviously, my writing got better and I learned to Care About Myself more, until I didn’t really need to do that anymore. Except... I still liked making stories. I’d always been a storyteller, and writing gave me a medium to do so that would actually get me listened to, my stories could be long and rambling and people wouldn’t be annoyed or stop listening because it was a text, so they could stop reading if they wanted or not look at it or come back to it when they had more energy, and I wouldn’t directly face that, probably wouldn’t even know it was happening.

And, well, one of the things with time blindness is that you can be sitting there, know the time is 2:30 and you’ve got to eat something before you go to bed hours later, and yet you’ll blink and suddenly it’s 10:45 and you haven’t eaten anything, used the bathroom, or even really moved in 8 hours and where did the time go what happened. I started setting an alarm to remind myself to eat dinner, but that didn’t change the fact that I could get so “in-the-zone” that literal hours would blink by like seconds, because while my perception of time has always been wack, focusing - likely hyperfocus cause of the undiagnosed adhd - knows no rules or bounds and disregards the passage of time like a used bandaid that will inevitably show up again later where you least want it yet will go unnoticed and un-thought of until then.

Genuinely, I think I’ve grown a lot as a writer and I enjoy most of my own works, both because they’re what I want to see and because I can appreciate the skill that goes into it - which doesn’t mean I don’t still have a lot to learn, just that I’ve learned to stop shitting on my own abilities because it’s not perfect.

I’d always noticed when I was reading - usually proper books, when I was younger at least - different mistakes or ways things could’ve been articulated better, and when I didn’t know what a word or concept was I’d do everything I could to find out. So it’s no surprise that those skills transferred over to when I became a writer and took every source I could to try and improve my writing, some more valid than others.

Just... yeah. Writing helped me a lot, and I like where I’m at now.

#obviously this isn’t a great example of sophisticated writing it’s very informal lol #and also this is a school project where we take a different medium and mode #to express our college essay in a way thats more genuine to us #(and without the word limit)#so my teachers gonna see this (with my username blocked out)#half the fun of this site is that no one knows my name or face and im not changing that #i don’t expect many people to see this anyways #tw self harm mention #tw suicide mention #tw suicidal thoughts mention #SoundCloud

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gingermcl · 2 years ago

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Western medicine and incorrect diet helped me stay sick as a child. When I got out on my own, I quickly learned the importance of nutrition & began to use homeopathic medicine. This has helped significantly throughout my struggles with chronic pain and what was a mystery illness until a few months ago. We don’t make many doctor visits in my household.

My youngest is the one who gets sick most; she is my pickiest eater. My oldest was 6 years old before he was allowed to have a soda. I caught a lot of hell for this - he’s now 18 years old, does not consume sugar, and has been sick 3 times in his life. I do not feel I was wrong or deprived him, I did him a favor. don’t trust doctors. They’re clueless.

Always advocate for your own health. Doctors really don’t care and they can’t & don’t know much about you in the few minutes spent with you. doctors don’t go by physician much anymore. Position implies knowledge of the physique. Doctor refers to following a doctrine or being indoctrinated. Every doctor I have ever seen has told me verifiable misinformation. Sometimes I correct them, sometimes I don’t say anything - But I’ve always had to figure out what’s going on with my health myself.

Hell in 2020 I diagnosed my best friend’s stepdad‘s with heavy metal blood poisoning when they were trying to say it was Parkinson’s. He would’ve died if they had let him keep consuming metal. He mentioned what I thought to his psychiatrist - alarm bells went off in that docs head and testing was done - it was discovered my friends stepdad did have heavy metal poisoning. I diagnosed my mothers post operative delirium in 2021, doctor told me she had Alzheimer’s - she wasn’t like this yesterday and works a full-time job sir….. He began to take it serious. That is what she had. Doctors trying to dismiss my dad in 2004 something in my gut said it’s serious, I begged the nurse to get him in the heart cath lab today while my uncle DB since room, he’s just trying to get meds - he had a 90% blockage and was on the operating table the next morning. He would have died 13 years earlier had not done that.

I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on with my own health for 16 years. Whatever I have has been in my paternal family for generations. My grandmother was locked in a mental institution, electroshock, and told she was crazy with a chemical imbalance. Her mother actually went mute, either from the disease, or she was afraid to say anything. Probably for fear of being locked up. My dad was also treated as if he were insane and no good drugs. He was in incredible pain and needed pain management. I watched his pain take too much from him, I knew he wasn’t making it up. Sometimes I question the severity, but never again after it onset in me when I was 26. The pain has progressively gotten worse and by the time I was 32 I had to find some way to treat it. I saw multiple specialists and was never taken seriously so I had to turn to illegal methods of getting opiates. Back then you could still get pharmaceuticals that weren’t fentanyl. Fortunately, this endeavor led me into medically assisted treatment, which has treated my pain better than anything else ever house. I’m able to live a fairly functional life. I cannot work full-time for I have three children. I can either take care of my kids or work, not both. Fortunately, my mother lets me stay with her, but I don’t know what I’m going to do when she’s not around anymore. I try not to think about it. Creation will make a way.

After the urging of multiple TikTok followers, I looked into Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. There’s not one symptom I don’t have. Textbook presentation. Explains my whole life. My ex-husband says I’m full of nonsense. He won’t take me seriously and won’t get our kids. evaluate it. There are no doctors in my state recommended by the Ehlers Danlos society that treat this. I absolutely dread having to go back to Western medicine to be gaslit by a dozen doctors before I get a diagnosis. I guess I’ll have to try for my children.

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cowandcalf · 2 years ago

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NaNo has started well and I made a great choice by writing one shots. No matter the length but it keeps my focus sharp and it’s really fun because I can actually bring a story to its end during November. I reach my daily word count easily. I’m working already on the second McDanno one shot. All will be edited and posted after NaNo is over but I want to share. I don’t have fun often while I’m crafting a story. That’s not how this works with me. It’s more like a super task that has to be done and I’m still finding my footing but this time it’s different. And I’m always together with Steve and Danny and that’s the best part! :-)

Be Your Very Best in The Darkest Time (soul swap AU) - snippet

The low flapping sound vibrates in Freddie's chest and the down drift of the rotor blades tears at his drenched uniform. He watches with terror how a lifeless Steve gets loaded onto the stretcher. The blood drips onto the concrete. A bullet hit him right in the back of the head and left a big hole. Freddie has no idea how they made the two-mile swim underwater, but he brought Steve home and now he must let the medical team take care of him.

"Give him the shot! He needs to stay calm! Hey Sir," the military EMT turns to Freddie, shielding his face against the swirling dirt in the air.

"What?" Freddie hollers back to drown out the enormous noise.

"With what element is he bonding?" The young, serious man points towards Steve. "Just so we know with what we're dealing here." He shouts over to Freddie.

"Air!" Freddie answers and hopes the guy won't ask anything else.

"How bad?"

"Massive sandstorm level bad." He can't lie they need to know the danger they are in.

There's that moment where both medical personnel look at him mildly shocked. "That's rare! Shit! Where?"

"Hindukusch, Afghanistan last year." Freddie yells. "He got hit by a blast wave, got knocked out a for few seconds and created a sandstorm while out. He didn't know shit when he came to. Was pretty bad."

The guy nods and makes a waving motion with his hand. Ready to load.

The fear makes a grab for Freddie. "You don't fucking die on me, brother. Do you hear me?" He yells in Steve's direction. "You don't die on me." Freddie murmurs desperately to himself while he watches how the medevac helo lifts up and cuts through the air loaded with precious cargo. Freddie watches until he can't hear the rotor blades hitting the air anymore. Steve is getting transported to the Navy medical center in Coronado near the base. Freddie dreads to face his brothers to inform them about the mission failure and about the worst part that he has brought Steve home severely injured and in a state where he has become a threat to himself and all others. If they won't be able to get Mary back it could turn really ugly.

What if he can't calm down? Not even with the heavy doses of chemicals the doctors just shot him up with? What if he unleashes his powers, unwanted and uncontrolled while in pain and unconscious?

Freddie pivots on his heel and storms back to the cubical where the command operates to receive his next order. They have to get back to the USA without anyone noticing that U.S. Navy SEALs have been operating in international waters, in forbidden territory, in the China Sea. The aircraft carrier that picked them up is the U.S.S. Independence.

Freddie storms into the command center. "We need a Spirit Shifter! The best the Navy's got. Steve's going to tear the hospital apart. I can feel it." He shouts before the doors are even closed.

(incorrect information will be corrected in the editing process.)

#h50 #mcdanno #wip #nanowrimo 2022 #update #cowandcalf writes #one shots #mcdanno one shots #writing #not edited

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plsimsuchasimp · 4 years ago

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gone (cheating ft. kenma)

an anon asked me to write another version of this post, so here it is. i’m sorry about this, it’s definitely not my best work.

request: “Can you do another cheating fic but with kenma since he is my favorite character”

genre: angst

ft: kenma kozume x gn reader, a little bit of kuroo tetsuro

wc: 1.8k

warnings: fainting, angst, implied cheating

Flopping down on your bed, you picked up your phone and shot off a quick text message to your boyfriend, Kenma.

“hey babe, can we call? it’s been a really long week and I haven’t seen you in forever,” you wrote, pressing the send button with only a moment’s hesitation.

Sighing, you scrolled upwards a bit, reading through the message history. Recently, his texts had been getting shorter and more abrupt, often making excuses when you asked to see him or talk to him.

1 new message. Distracted, you scrolled down to see Kenma’s text.

“sorry can’t i was just about to sleep”

Frowning, you glanced at the top of the screen. 10:53 pm. He never went to bed this early, let alone slept. Your throat constricted, but you tried to brush it off, the thoughts whispering at the back of your head like malicious pixies, insecurities and harsh words. You stared at the simple string of words, wondering what to say. Are you okay? you’ve seemed off recently. No, you were probably just overthinking it.

“okay, have a good night! ily” Read 10:57 pm. No response.

Putting the phone down, you tried to push it to the back of your thoughts, but it nagged at you. Turning on your PC, you logged onto discord and noticed Kenma’s status. He was playing a multiplayer game, in a VC with one other person. Right-clicking, you ignored the feeling of distrust and clicked on the other player’s profile.

You knew her- she was a friend of Kenma’s from school. Kenma had promised you they were just friends, that you had nothing to worry about, but the insecurities crept in again as you realized he’d been spending a lot more time with her instead of you. Biting your lip, you looked back at your phone, the accusing text glaring at you. It seemed innocuous, seemed like you were overreacting. Kenma didn’t really get why you were insecure- he always told you he only had eyes for you, but lately, it didn’t really feel like it.

The last time you two had hung out, he’d laughed at something on his phone, then turned away when you asked to see what it was, muttering something vague about a funny tiktok. You didn’t think much of it at the time, but with thoughts crowding your head, you wondered if it really had been just a video. Kozume had always been distant- you understood that when you started dating him, but was it too much to ask for a scrap of his attention?

You were torn. On one hand, you wanted to trust Kenma, believe that everything he told you was true and he still loved you like he used to. On the other, your gut was telling you there was something off. Praying that he wasn’t hiding anything, you entered a different browser and logged into his Discord account. You’d given each other the passwords to your socials a while ago, your way of showing that you had nothing to hide.

Incorrect login information. The words appeared in red on the screen, the password field outlined in red. You tried again, ensuring that there were no typos, and it still registered as wrong. Your stomach sank, staring at the message on the screen. He changed his password and didn’t tell you. At this point, you knew something was wrong, but you didn’t want to ask him in fear of seeming insecure or clingy, both traits Kenma disliked. Before you could lose yourself further in the swirling tornado of your thoughts, your phone dinged with a new message. It was from Kuroo.

“hey y/n, are you up? we need to talk.”

Brow furrowing, you responded with “yeah, is everything okay?” He read the text, and then the call icon rang at the top of the screen, red and green buttons buzzing gently. You accepted the call, answering with “Hi Kuroo.”

“Hey y/n,” he said, his voice quieter than normal.

“Are you okay?” He sounded off, sad somehow.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine. There’s something I need to tell you, though.” You paused for a second, hoping it wasn’t what you thought it was, before he continued. “Kenma- Kenma cheated on you.”

“W-what?” Time seemed to stop. you couldn’t, didn’t want to believe your ears. Your breath caught in your throat, shock freezing your body in place.

“Shit, y/n, I’m so sorry. I just found out.” Kuroo was still talking, but you weren’t hearing him. It seemed impossible, even though you’d seen it coming. “Y/n? Are you okay?”

Startled, you choked out, “Yeah, I’m okay, just a little shocked.” a little was an understatement. “H-how did you find out?”

“Well,” he sighed, “I saw him kiss her behind the cafe yesterday. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I was still figuring out what to do.” Guilt laced his words, and you got the feeling there was still something he hadn’t said.

“What else?” From his slight intake of breath, you could tell you’d caught him off guard. He was silent for a moment.

“He’s been texting her on Discord for the past month or so. I think you know her, (f/n)?” You felt your heart crash into your stomach, and your worst fears were confirmed. Switching back onto your computer, you saw that Kenma was still playing the game with the girl, and your stomach clenched.

“Yeah, I know her.” He noticed that your voice was quiet, subdued, and he swallowed.

“Y/n, I’m- I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.” He was silent then, waiting for you to speak.

“No, no, it’s fine,” You said, your voice oddly calm. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Of course. Hey, are you going to be okay?” He asked, unsure what was really happening inside your head.

“Yeah. I’ll be fine.” Before he had a chance to say anything else, you hung up, mind spinning.

Oddly enough, you didn’t feel anything. You knew in the back of your head that this was your way of coping, that the hurt and anger and sadness would come later, but for now you didn’t care. Methodically, you went to all of your socials and blocked Kenma, hesitating only slightly to block his number in your phone.

You shut off your computer and turned your phone to silent, sitting in silence on your bed. Slowly, your eyes filled with tears that spilled down your cheeks, expressionless besides the gleaming tear streaks staining your face. Your shoulders shook, and everything seemed to crash down at once.

Your body couldn’t keep up, the sobs overtaking you until you were lightheaded. The room was spinning and the shining moonlight was glinting through the blinds at odd angles, seeming to distort your vision. You couldn’t breathe, and then everything faded to black.

You woke up a few seconds later with your head on the pillow, dazed and hearing the blood pound through your head. You groaned and lay there for a couple of minutes, letting your breathing slow.

You got up and brushed your teeth, staring at your puffy eyes in the mirror. It hurt, to know the man you loved didn’t feel the same anymore. What did you do wrong? Were you too clingy, not good enough, not there for him enough? Why would he cheat on you?

Guilt vibrated around you, and it brought back the memories of every other time. It must have been your fault- it always was.

Sleep took you uneasily that night, creeping in around your obsessive, painful thoughts and lulling you to distraction.

The next morning at school, you wiped the pain from your face and moved through the day in a haze. You saw Kenma in the hallway, leaning against the lockers on his phone, and avoided eye contact. When you saw her, (f/n), anger and hurt swelled up in your stomach, and you tried to swallow it and avoid lashing out.

Later, Kenma stared at his phone as an error message popped up when he tried to text you. We’re sorry, the number you’re trying to reach is unavailable. A pit formed in his stomach, and he went to his other socials, reaching the same conclusions in other places.

“Shit,” he muttered under his breath, amber eyes scanning the hallway. You were already gone, though, and he moved through the swarm of people, eyes focused on the exit. Where would you have gone?

When he showed up at your house that afternoon, you were surprised. He doesn’t waste time, showing you his phone and bluntly asking “Why did you block me?” Your eyes widened to see him slouching there, clearly uncomfortable with going out of his way to do this. “Are you angry at me?”

“Kozume, I don’t really want to talk to you right now.” His face twisted at your use of his last name.

“Why not?”

At this point, you sighed, tired of everything. “You cheated on me. That’s why.” Your voice cracks in the last sentence, and the world stops.

His stomach drops as you turn away, the weight of the world on your shoulders. “N-no. Y/n. Please don’t go!”

Kenma’s not good with words, and you understand that. Sometimes, though, it feels like he’s not trying. As he shook his head frantically, chin-length hair swaying around his beautiful face, you could tell he wanted to say something, but he can’t.

“What is there to say, Kozume?” Your eyes were brimming with tears, your heart squeezing at the sight of him.

“I didn’t- I didn’t mean to.” Even he knows how weak this sounds, how pathetic of him, and when he looks back up at you, his eyes are shiny. “I love you.”

His words ring hollow, and you scoff. “Where was that love when you kissed her behind the cafe? Where was it when you were constantly texting her on discord? Where was it when I needed you and you weren’t there?” You shake your head, heartbreak written all over your features. It’s then that he remembers the declined calls, the unanswered texts, the neglect he subjected you to as he pushed you away.

“I hope you’re happy with her, because we’re done.”

He didn’t even have a good reason this time. All he knew was that he wanted you to stay, but he knew he didn’t deserve a second chance. Against his will, a tear slid down his cheek and dropped to the floor, making him sniffle.

There was nothing you wanted more than to pull him into your arms, cry into his shoulder, but you couldn’t. It hurt too much. You stepped back and slammed the door on him for the final time.

Leaning your head against the door, all of your emotions spilled out. You were silently crying, the ache in your chest almost too much to bear. You thought you heard your name outside the door, whispered just loud enough for you to hear, but you just sank down to the floor and let the tears fall.

On the other side of the door, Kenma’s phone buzzed. It was a text from her, and the disgust and anger that filled his stomach at the sight was enough for him to know he’d never forgive himself for hurting you like this.

“I love you.”

a/n: srry for the anticlimatic ending i was just feeling super bad and not in the mood to write but i wanted to get this out here, hope you like it.

#kenma kuzome #kenma x y/n #kenma x reader #haikyuu angst #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x y/n #kozume kenma #kenma angst #angst #kozume angst #kuroo tetsurou #kuroo #kozume

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trashlie · 2 years ago

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ILY FP 181, 182, and 183

Man, I thought I’d at least put together one of these for 181, but I really have not been able to pull myself together for this last month, I guess, ugh. That’s okay, I think - it will keep me from turning this into a recap and maybe allow me to explore my VERY MANY thoughts on this little flashback! And trust that I have SO MANY.

It is no secret that I’ve taken a lot of interest in Alyssa over this last half year or so, so you can imagine how much I’ve been enjoying this flashback arc. While it doesn’t provide us a major look into who Alyssa really is, we’re finally getting more clues to cobble together than we had before, and it definitely is blowing some fandom beliefs out of the water! It also reinforces what I’ve said before - that Alyss and Kousuke are mirrors! In my Alyss and Kousuke As Mirrors post and ask responses, I had a lot of uncertainty as to where I thought this would go, because of how little we knew of who Alyssa truly is and what is part of an act. I think we’re starting to get somewhere with her now! I know she’ll likely never be a very sympathetic character to a lot of people, but my fascination with her has definitely increased and it’s giving me some hopes and wishes of my own!

To preface, I’d like to lay out what the general fandom belief of Alyssa has been. Until now, she’s been regarded as a fame seeker who wants to have everyone’s attention and always craves the spotlight, that she’s spineless and cannot handle confrontation which may be coupled with the fact that she wants to be liked (as in, to save face, she doesn’t defy or contradict others wishes), she doesn’t care about who she hurts to get what she wants, she’s more interested in Kousuke than Nol, and in general she’s been viewed as supremely selfish and self-centered.

There’s some things I agree with, others only to a certain degree, and still others I wasn’t totally sold on. In previous posts, I’ve noted that I believed it possible that Alyssa’s idol career itself may not have been what she truly wanted (although at the time I assumed it might just be a stepping stone towards what she really wanted, a necessary stop in her trajectory to her power-couple goal, to influence and power). At any rate, though, we can see now that a lot of this has been proven incorrect, although certain things have definitely been reinforced.

People Pleasing and Peer Pressure

Something that certainly stands is how very easily influenced by others Alyssa is. This isn’t something I’m going to fault her for, either, because frankly, I know a lot of people who take to their mid-twenties or thirties to feel comfortable and confident in who they are, regardless of what others think. Especially for a middle-schooler with no prior experience with social settings, this is extra hard for Alyssa, who begged her parents to let her attend public school with the dream of making lots of friends and experiencing a “normal” life. Peer pressure is hard and when what you want is to be liked and have a lot of friends, being seen as weird for the things you do like (like math) or hanging out with someone who everyone else regard as weird and potentially a bully doesn’t bode well with what you want. Frankly, it takes a strong spirit to be comfortable in your own skin, to be who you are, and Alyssa doesn’t have the experiences yet to be that person. I think we can also argue that the way her parents treat her hasn’t helped - though well-meaning, they seem to overwhelm Alyssa and limit her ability to actually explore the things she’s interested in. She states that she’s not even good at dance, which is why she’s taking lessons at all, and she’s only in them because she once expressed interest in it - and there’s an implication that it’s not something she even likes or enjoys anymore, and yet she continues.

Is it just that Alyssa lacks the ability to push back and tell her parents when she loses interest in something? Is it that they don’t give her the room to do it? It sounds a lot like they hear she likes something and then drowns her in that thing without ever considering that her interests will change and wane.

We are also given a lot of indication that at this early age, Alyssa just struggled to confront people in any form of it. She can’t stand up for herself to her parents about not wanting to follow certain paths, she can’t tell Shinae the truth about her feelings and seems to be cornered when she finally starts to open up, she can’t push back against people who are picking on her.

At any rate, the point stands that due to the way her parents treat her, smothering her with everything she dares to breathe about, she hasn’t been given the opportunity to find comfort in being who she really is, because they are always a step behind or clinging to something she said in the past that is no longer true. She’s too reluctant to mention anything else she likes because maybe they’ll do the same thing again. She has no room to breathe to explore herself to figure out what she really wants, and the things she does know about herself are considered “weird” by other kids - her disdain for kpop and preference for classical music, her favor for math and science type things, she goes to exhibits for her own keen interest! If the other kids knew, they’d definitely continue to pick on her and call her weird.

And yet that’s exactly what she’s so afraid of. She states she’s seen what happens to kids who are ostracized and that’s the last thing she wants. Alyssa is learning the hard way that not only are kids cruel, but who she wants to be is at odd with who she really is. If she wants to fit in with the other kids, she has to put on a front, feign interest in things she doesn’t care for, squash down her true interests and perform for them. Long before she becomes an idol, Alyssa is already having to perform and learn about conditional favor: people will like you only so long as you fit what they want you to be.

How ironic, that she had such strong disdain for kpop, and yet she had to perform for what she wanted, and ended up in that very career.

I still badly want to know how this happened, because it’s clear that the career Alyssa is in is not what she truly wanted. I’ve seen people argue that maybe she’s here for the stepping stone reasons, or because she changed her mind. But idk, she seems pretty set in her way with her interest there, and it just really reinforces my theory that Alyssa only wound up a kpop idol because she couldn’t speak up against it. It largely seems like something that fell into her lap and her parents jumped at it assuming that Alyssa was on board for it because she’d practically trained for so long. Maybe she felt too guilty about the money they’d put into her lessons - there’s implications that they’ve spent so much money on her that they’re tight on money - maybe it’s just part of her inability to speak up for and defend herself, her inability to say no this isn’t actually what I want.

Maybe it IS just that she reluctantly is following through for the hopes that it will afford her the connections to get out it and go for what she really wants?

Power (for freedom)

Even this little glimpse into Alyssa’s life has given enough to re-examine her previous statement about how she desires to be part of a power couple (and how Kousuke likely might be her intended target). Even though her family seems to be trying to do things for her favor, she still feels trapped and oppressed by them and craves escape. And now she’s in a kpop group that she doesn’t seem to enjoy completely - the fact that in middle school she made a note that being able to write music is far more interesting than being able to play instruments and she was given that opportunity to write a song, and it ends up being about feeling trapped and shackled down, unable to escape speaks volumes. Additionally, we know she spends more time with her sister than her group mates, it’s implied that she doesn’t practice as much/as hard as them and frankly I don’t think this is mean girls being mean. I think it probably IS true that Alyssa doesn’t put as much effort into things because she doesn’t enjoy it she doesn’t want to be here and who can blame her group mates? They DID train hard for this, they DO want this. Of course they’ll be upset by the way she acts!

Unlike them, Alyssa doesn’t want to be part of this career, and if her case is anything like Shinae’s, she feels trapped by Yui. What happens if Alyssa denies this opportunity? What has her family gained from Alyssa’s career/connections? I think there’s a good chance there’s a lot more on the line than we know about, and thus Alyssa has to continue to fake it to make it. So, who is surprised she wishes to be part of a power couple? It seems less about wanting to be influential, to have people look up to her and more about wanting to be in a position to feel in control of her life, to be free to do what she wants.

Consider this: Yui is a powerful woman with a powerful family name and more importantly, she is very much in control of herself, she takes no direction or control from others, she has shadow puppets (possibly including Alyssa herself). I think Alyssa is aware of what kind of person Yui really is - a widely-held fandom belief about Alyssa is that she wants to be the kind of person Yui is, right down to the scheming manipulation. But when Alyssa calls Yui a charitable woman and says she wants to be like her, her eyes are closed. They remain closed as Alyssa remarks how nice it is of her to give Shinae a job. I think Alyssa sees through this, because it’s the same situation she’s in, and she above all probably knows what a trap it is. If Alyssa feels stuck in a career she can’t escape, “gifted” to her by Yui, then she has an understanding of what it means for Shinae. I used to think maybe Alyssa said it because she understood the implications - that she, too, had been handed her career like Shinae, but if Alyssa has no love or pride in her career, then it’s less that she cares about what others will think of her being handed a career and maybe more about concern for Shinae, and what it means for her to also be entangled with Yui.

Despite this, though, Yui possesses qualities that Alyssa clearly covets - starting with the fact that someone like Yui wouldn’t be ensnared in traps like Alyssa currently is, the fact that no one controls her or dictates her moves.

And this brings us to Kousuke! From the outside, Kousuke lives this way, too. He looks to all outsiders like he’s completely in control of his life, on a path of his choosing that he was meant for, he’s successful, influential, rich, and in control. Like Yui, he looks like he is free to move where and how he wants, so it’s not a surprise that Alyssa is drawn to him. But more than that, we now know that Alyssa and Kousuke are far more alike than we had considered before! I used to think that Alyssa was drawn to Kousuke because she saw in him all the things she wants for herself, and while I do still think that’s true, it clearly isn’t the totality of it! I wonder how well she knows him - does she know they both favor the same kind of music? Kousuke is regarded as a bit of a genius, years ahead of kids his age in school, quick to pick up new things. Since she was 3, by the time she was in middle school, Alyssa had learned to play FIVE different instruments and wound up writing her own song pretty early in her musical career. And it’s not even a left vs right brain thing, because she’s also good at math and fascinated by science, especially anatomy, with a previous dream of being a biomedical engineer. Much like Kousuke, we can see that Alyssa isn’t really into things kids her age are. Does she know how similar they are? Does she just sense it? Kousuke clearly doesn’t see this in her yet (I think) but I wonder if with enough time, they could come to see this? She’s easily written off by others as being vapid and maybe even ditzy, with little going on in her head, but that’s clearly not the case.

Notably, too, where Alyssa learned to play all five instruments, Meg only learned a couple and stopped her lessons. We are further given a sense that there’s a “golden child” vs “the other one” with Alyssa and Meg. Was Meg allowed to give up because she wasn’t as gifted as Alyssa, not worth the money it would take to teach her? Is the focus just heavily placed on Alyssa so Meg is given the freedom that Alyssa badly wants for herself?

And so, in search of that escape, seeking a sense of normalcy and the ability to breathe and explore what she wants, Alyssa finds herself in public school, befriended by a boisterous Shinae.

Shinae from hope to self-isolation

This is a very Alyssa-heavy post, I know, but I do want to dedicate some time to Shinae, too, because the Shinae we see in the flashback is SUCH a contrast to the Shinae we first meet at the start of the series, which reinforces just how much of an impact this experience had on Shinae. Alyssa’s betrayal affected her so deeply it left her with not only physical but also mental and emotional scars, so deep that when Nol later betrays her and walks away, this bubbles back to the surface - an experience for which she blamed herself and repressed, shoved so deep down that she never recovered from it. Had she made peace, it wouldn’t have come bubbling to the surface when Nol acknowledged the very scar she hides.

Alyssa was so important to Shinae, despite their brief stint in friendship. She was Shinae’s first friend, someone who she found so cool and fascinating and she fought hard for that friendship, too. Both girls know that Shinae is putting more into this friendship than Alyssa is, and I think Alyssa shows some guilt over it. She’s never quite able to address her issues to Shinae and though we know she’s trying to pull away and distance herself, she never succeeds when Shinae calls her out on it and corners her. Shinae has spent much of her childhood picked on and bullied, not even defended by the school, and it gets so bad that she has to transfer schools! You can’t blame her for being a little desperate to keep that first friend, so afraid of losing out something she’s always craved.

There’s a lot about young Shinae that really hurts my heart, to be honest, especially compared to her current self. Her admission that despite the barriers she put up, despite all the ways she isolated herself for her own protection and chose loneliness over the risk of getting hurt again, she carried some hope that people would prove her wrong, that she would find the friendship and acceptance she actually craved HURTS - especially when you know that because of that quiet hope, she let down her walls for Nol who she thought had proved he wasn’t the threat she worried, only to learn that so much of him was a lie, that maybe that friendship never meant anything.

The Nol vs Alyssa parallel is SO intentional and BOY does it hurt! Also, I know I’ve talked about the irony that Shinae has been hurt by these two people who are dating, but it just feels even more intense in light of everything. Shinae put so much hope in Alyssa despite all the signs she should have listened to, she hoped so much and fought so hard to help Alyssa learn to ignore the feeling of being picked on, and in the end, she failed. Alyssa meant so much to her and as far as Shinae was concerned, she didn’t mean the same to Alyssa. If she did, wouldn’t Alyssa have chosen her over popularity? Wouldn’t she have stuck with her? If she meant so much to her, would she have treated her the way she did, ostracized her in effort to save herself from that very fate? For Shinae, Nol’s betrayal hurts so much not because of the lies but because it runs parallel to the last significant betrayal she experienced. Once again, she made someone so important to her, only to feel like she wasn’t.

It’s not about the lies or that he gave her a fake name: it’s because she believed it didn’t mean to him what it did to her, that she foolishly fell for someone who didn’t care about her the way she did him.

And that’s what is SO significant, too, about Shinae’s willingness to accept Nol, how desperately she wanted him to answer her calls or messages, to come back and show his face. If it was about the lies and betrayal, it might be harder for her to accept that friendship - but despite that, she ardently hoped he would prove her wrong, because she needed to know that it meant something to Nol, that her friendship was not so easy to cast aside, that she mattered. And that’s why she’s able to accept him back, albeit with anger. To know that she is important to him, that even though he began those friendships with no intention of them being real only for them to end up meaning so much to him makes up for the lies.

Popularity vs Individualism

The thing is, I think Shinae may have meant something to Alyssa, but she was just at odds with what she wanted. Numerous times, we see Alyssa get very flustered over the sincere, earnest way Shinae praises her, the way she sees her as this really cool person for traits that the other kids treat as weird, things she knows she would get made fun of for. She downplays her skills and intelligence, not even in a coy or demure way but like... Alyssa really doesn’t seem to think there’s anything special about being able to learn to play instruments or anything like that. She’s quickly learning what she needs to hide about herself in order to fit in, but outlier Shinae finds these things about her so admirable and cool. In fact, Alyssa is so sure that Shinae had lots of friends before because she’s so tough and confident and courageous and brushes off all the teasing that comes her way - but she only seems that way because she’s been there before, because she’s endured it before but NOW she finally has a friend. It’s easier to deal with that if she has a friend to have fun with.

That whole admission is so painful, for Shinae to confess that duh, of course she also wishes she could experience what it’s like to be liked by so many people instead of treated like a weirdo, picked up and bullied simply for existing. But she doesn’t know. That’s why Alyssa means so much and is so important to her. That’s why even though she knows Alyssa is trying to pull away, she keeps trying to reign her in closer, asking her to be her project partner even when she can see Alyssa looking away, calling her out on her she’s growing quieter and quieter and less involved in this friendship. Shinae is determined to keep this special friend.

But the other kids think Shinae is weird, and Alyssa knows this. In fact, the flashback where Maya overhead the girls calling Shinae weird is probably a big turning point for Alyssa. Based on the two flashbacks, that’s probably the day that Alyssa misses lunch with Shinae, and we can sense a big change in Alyssa. She’s been told that public school sucks unless you’re popular, she’s told that people think Shinae is weird and even that she looks weird, and though they don’t really tease her about it there’s definitely a dig about how Alyssa uses intelligent words the other kids do and that it seems weird to be so studious and well-learned. Again, Alyssa is learning that she has to bury who she really is to fit in, and while she seems to like Shinae, she also is learning that to stay friends with her will very likely lead to her own bullying. Alyssa never even though Shinae’s hair was weird until the other girls said anything! There’s so many things she accepts for what they are, until she realizes that others think they’re weird. I think we can agree that she’s shaped by what others think, but I think it’s a little more like... it’s not necessarily that it’s changing her opinion of things as much as she’s just learning what is and isn’t considered acceptable and she’s trying to align herself with the acceptable.

Everything is a parallel

It begins her rift with Alyssa, though. Through Maya’s flashback, we know something will go down with Alyssa and Shinae’s science project - there’s a flashback where she’s being accused of copying someone else’s project and Shinae pointed says she did all the work, it’s her project and never once mentions Alyssa about it. Following that, Minhyuk asks if Shinae hangs out with Alyssa anymore and she notes that no, they don’t hang out as much as they used to, because now Alyssa has lots of friends. Alyssa has been influenced and she makes her choice - she decides to fit in, to shrink herself into something the other kids will like, to start playing a role.

And yet, before she was influenced by other peoples’ opinions, Alyssa really did seem to like Shinae. She had fun with her in math club and she seemed really touched by Shinae’s sincere compliments and earnest friendship. But she also knew that she was making a different decision, that Shinae was giving more to their friendship than she was.

When Shinae smiles that blinding bright, very Yeonggi-like smile, Alyssa’s face screws up and she blushes - but I think it represents guilt and remorse, not anything positive. She feels bad Shinae cares so much and she herself cares more about popularity than this friendship. She knows the choices she’s making, that she’s pulling away, and she feels so guilty she has to physically escape.

In a very similar way that Kousuke seems to see Nol in Shinae, Alyssa seems to see Shinae in Nol. That bright smile she puts on is SO very like the kind Yeonggi would wear, so it’s only natural that in the aftermath of all that went down, when Alyssa was back to being lonely and friendless, when Yeonggi offered her his friendship and that bright, earnest smile, Alyssa would accept this weird stranger’s friendship, because it reminded her of another person who candidly offered her such sincere, earnest friendship when she needed it. And, likewise, when Alyssa is aware that she’s hurting that person, she finds herself pulling away and withdrawing.

For a long time I couldn’t tell if Alyssa really understood how much she was hurting Nol, if she simply took his friendship for granted. I think she definitely carries guilt that she refuses to acknowledge, which is why she deflects and throws things back at him when he calls her out. But I also think she knows that she’s being a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, and that’s why she avoids him, the way she avoided Alyssa. (Shoutout to DATBOYWHOISCHILL on reddit for calling out that parallel of avoidance). The way he reaches out over and over, just like Shinae trying to reign her back in, UGH the way Nol and Shinae are SO VERY SIMILAR and yet unaware of it just KILLS ME. It was even pointed out the way they both defend her and aren’t really met with gratitude - although I guess it’s worth noting that by the time Nol is doing this for Alyssa, her image is on the line and she’s already aware of the conditional relationship she has with her fans, the image she has to maintain if she doesn’t want to be ostracized and cast out.

Honestly, all of this makes me even more certain that Alyssa needs to experience a fall from grace in order to learn to be herself and to escape the people-pleasing quest of acceptance. Only when she loses everything - her career, her fans, her image - will she be able to face who she really is and who she really wants to be, to come to terms with being okay being alone, and maybe find her voice to push back against what she doesn’t want. And I still think it could possibly lead to some kind of reconciliation. While I’m not sure if Shinae and Alyssa could ever be friends - there’s so much hurt and anger there yet - I think they could at least make peace with their past and resolve their issues in a way that helps Shinae move on. An Alyssa who, like Shinae once had, has lost so much and hit rock bottom and has to go through the hardest and darkest times would probably be better able to understand what she couldn’t in sixth grade, how Shinae was able to endure the ridicule because she had a friend at her side. I think it would lead to Alyssa being able to accept herself for who she really is, and not the performance she puts on for other people.

Frankly, I feel like while Alyssa is a people-pleaser who seeks out popularity, what she really want is the kind of friendship Shinae offered. She’s chasing after something she won’t receive. Fans don’t unconditionally love their idol - they will only love her if she performs for them, and that means the person she presents herself as, too. Who will love Alyssa for who she really is, for her nerdy side and her love of classical music, for finding math fun, for her interest in anatomy. Who will love her for all the things that made her so “weird”? She continues to put on a front for people who “love” a version of her she’s created for their consumption, chasing down the sincerity and earnest approval she received from a maybe-weird outcast who saw her for who she really was and still thought she was cool and interesting.

Trauma and Healing

But to segue back to Shinae, I think these episodes have shined a lot of light on who she used to be, as well, and we can still see glimmers of that Shinae today. I keep thinking about that smile she wore for Alyssa, and how she said that she hated Yeonggi’s smile because she was unable to smile like that herself. She went from being able to wear that smile to finally defeated, scarred deeply by Alyssa’s choices and the fall that followed. Physical ramifications of trusting someone too much, of giving someone too much of a chance. In her eyes, she was punished for daring to think she could have friendship like that.

In fact, even though Minhyuk fills that void and becomes the kind of best friend Shinae needed, we know that years later she still has enough seeds of doubt to wonder if Minhyuk was only her friend out of pity because it’s so unfathomable for her to think that anyone can truly be her friend because they like her for who she is, and it takes reaffirmation for her to accept that it’s true.

That’s what makes this current arc SO special, in my opinion. This is a Shinae who still carries trauma with her, who is still so greatly affected by a literally traumatic fall, and in spite of that, she still finds herself wanting to find the best in people, craving the friendship she dares not believe she deserves. Despite it all, she held out a hope that she didn’t necessarily believe in, that Nol would find his way back to them not just for closure but to maintain that friendship. I think that much is obvious by the way she addresses him when he finally joins her on the rooftop - she’s cagey and uncomfortable having exposed so much of her vulnerable self to him because she thought they were ending things, not that he might decide to go back on his word, and she was so unprepared to face that. And still she tries to! Though he has to corner her to get her to, she admits that yes of COURSE she wanted him to hear all of that, to see him again.

In spite of all the ways Shinae has been hurt by people - by her mother, by her sister, her first friend, by Maya and Rika, by students who knew nothing about her but bullied her anyway, by the adults who never did their job and intervened or looked out for her - she still wants to find people who prove her wrong. I think this is even true for her relationship with Kousuke, who she has noted she thinks isn’t so bad as much as he just has lived a different life and is kind of misguided. I continue to think this is why Shinae will serve as a bridge between Nol and Kousuke, too - because she is likely to be the person to see the best in each of them, to bring out the best in them, and help them to see it in each other, too.

For as much as she’s told herself she doesn’t like people, that they will only let you down, for as much as she tried to isolate herself from others to prevent that kind of hurt ever happening again, she can’t resist but to want to let people in, because even though she believes the universe is punishing her simply for existing, I think she is learning that it’s not enough to simply bow your head and accept it. Things don’t ever change when you do that, and though she’s also experienced that sometimes things don’t change when you try to fight back, maybe it’s different when you have others by your side?

Again, I think Shinae’s entire experience with Alyssa has only reinforced her friendship with Nol, should they both decide to continue this friendship - which I think is what is being established. If Nol wanted to still run away, he would have used his opportunity. He states that his being there is for him - because it’s his last night and he wants to make things right, to make things up to the people he’s hurt. It’s for him because he wants to be where he really wants to be for once, and to atone for what he has done not for his karmic retribution or absolution, but because that is what friends do. The whole conversation that follows where he holds Shinae in place is not because he is finalizing their goodbye but to call her out and square things away. If they are starting this again, they need to do it on the same page.

Where Shinae gave too much of herself to Alyssa and to Yeonggi, maybe this time she and Nol will be equals, partners for real, and with this deeper understanding of each other, what their past has done to hurt them and twist their feelings, it is likely for them to form an even stronger bond and alliance.

UGH I have so MANY feelings and I feel like I’ve still missed so many points I’d like to make, but I think I’ve at least addressed a good bulk of them. I know there are people who aren’t enjoying this because they’d rather see Shinae and Nol talking, but this flashback is such a necessary piece of storytelling. It’s clueing us in more on who Alyssa is and what her motivations are, it’s really emphasized just how much of a toll this experience took on Shinae and comparing it to Nol demonstrates just how much it means for her to still reach for him. The perspective it’s given us is, I think, crucial to the friendship that Nol and Shinae are setting and helps us better to appreciate it as something beautiful in spite of the ugly they’ve endured, and what they mean to each other.

I think there are some readers who forget that what has happened to Nol, Shinae, Kousuke, and Alyssa in the past is absolutely a part of who they are now and what their paths currently are. Without examining all those scenes, we’re missing pieces in our puzzle and we can’t move on to their adult selves without exploring all of this. And considering this is a very character-driven story focused on exploring human traumas and the way it affects us, I, for one, am absolutely over the moon with this. I appreciate the rekindling of Shinae and Nol’s friendship even more knowing just how much Alyssa’s failed friendship hurt Shinae. Give me all the emotional baggage, thank you!

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #Alyssa Cho #Shinae Yoo #this is largely about these two #admittedly it's very Alyssa-centric but I promise I get to Shinae throughout this too!#i'm forever fascinated by the way Alyssa and Shinae continue to parallel each other but more than that i am fascinated by how much their #intersection has affected them and the people around them #you could argue that as much as Alyssa has affected how Shinae responded to people and potential friendships Shinae has affected even how #Alyssa treats Nol which is just incredible to me and something i really didn't anticipate #i talk a lot about how i think Alyssa may never have gotten over what happened with Shinae too and how this might be something that affects #her to this day but god being able to see the core of who she is now back then is wild. and also sad #gonna character tag for nol too since i address him here #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #Yeonggi #because there's some Yeonggi specific bases too lol #i'm gonna end up making relationship tags soon i swear #rs: a few good friends are more than enough #afkjafjkafkjaf lmao idk if i'll use that but i love the idea of it #because i just know that we'll be seeing a lot more of the alyssa shinae impact in time #anyway aAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH #i hope alyssa kousuke anon is out there and sees this cos man i am vibrating #i'll probably work on a follow up for that alyssa and kousuke as mirrors post in time too tho it may be better to wait for more eps #IDK we'll see #this post is a best i am sorry

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