#i needed to rant this out my therapist wasn’t enough i needed tumblr lol

[mymitochondriaforpresident]

Residency…

Even my eyebag’s eyebags have eyebags at this point.

[relaxxattack]

ayo! (wait this might be a bit of a jumpscare dishdks i apologize) i’m op of That Post and was wondering what your opinions were on the whole woobification thing? /gen

because it’s a Tiny Bit widespread within the dream apologists to sort of,, overdramatize stuff like l’manberg hurting him. like they’re not a 100% wrong but if you look at it subjectively you can see some sort of bias going into that sort of thing that makes the character’s mistreatment a bit more blatant and intentional which,, it really wasn’t? and there wasn’t That Much of it either. especially on twitter (tumblr is much better about it) people just jump to conclusions it seems and yeah. since you brought it up i was wondering if you wanted to write a bit about it from your perspective!

we’re kinda from different corners of the fandom but i still notice that once you are too attached to a character you start taking certain evidence and giving it more weight than it actually has. there’s a blurry line between “taking away a character’s humanity” and woobification and it’s extremely difficult to find a balance when said character shows pretty much nothing of his emotional life (e. g. putting up the intimidating villain act in front of only c!tommy, pretty much everything he does making rational sense with no emotional subtext) and a lot of the fandom instantly jumps to one side or the other while it’s like.

we don’t know by far enough to say “he’s traumatized” or “he isn’t traumatized” or “he was villainized and it hurt him” or “l’manberg didn’t affect him at all”

as a very analytical person people constantly jumping to conclusions grinds my gears, but that’s about it for my own view of the situation - sorry for the rambling.

in general i agree with you that both dehumanization and woobification is Bad and i really hope getting Actual Context sorts this out (e. g. him saying he was betrayed by his friends doesn’t mean it wasn’t partially his fault or that they were allowed to leave him, but it also shows that he did care about that happening. mentioning the cat doesn’t mean anything about what happened to c!tommy but it also shows that he did care about what happened to it. it’s just always interesting to get more information about the way he feels because he usually does a very good job at hiding it.) because man.

it’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, especially if you also are attached to the character and are expected to automatically agree with everything the people on “your side” say. it just ends up with everyone being mad and the character being mischaracterised overall.

oh wow hello! i didnt expect the op of the post to find me you’re right lol

and yes i agree! you seem to have a lot of very good thoughts tbh.

and by woobification, i mean exactly what you’ve already pointed out— the people who will say l’manberg purposely villainized dream, the people who will say wilbur faked his mental illness to manipulate dream, the people who are pretty much always talking about how badly dream was treated by people who were acting only fairly for themselves, usually.

for example people who act like dream was a perfect peacemaker before tommy showed up, or that tommy started most conflict. these are just actual lies that are told by c!dream himself to justify his abuse of tommy, and people fall for them incredibly easily because not a lot of people watched early dsmp and know that truthfully it was chaotic even then, and that dream was chaotic too. not to mention wilbur soot tried very hard to secede peacefully with l’manberg and dream jumped directly into war with no warning. and then people say he was forced into their war when, no, he started it.

theres also people who will say like, dream and sapnap for example are such good friends. i’m sure they cared for each other, but dream on multiple occasions has done horrible things to sapnap with no regard for his feelings (like leading fundy to sapnaps pets during the petwar, leading tommy to sapnaps pets during the other petwar and encouraging him to kill them, handing mars over to tommy to use as leverage against sapnap, etc). george he’s been less awful too but he certainly spoke over him and ignored his feelings enough that george felt hurt. he had places in his hall of attachments for beckerson and mars. george and sapnap were right to walk away from being treated like that.

there’s also what you just said here — “dream puts on a villain persona for tommy”— but honestly he acts like that around quite a few people (example: eret) and it’s usually when he’s revealing crucial info, which leads me and many others to believe that ‘persona’ is actually a more truthful version of him.

there’s the fact that he really isn’t safe for people to be around (or at least he wasn't before the prison) because he was planning to come up with ways to control every single person by stealing and threatening their attachments (some of which were not items but were living animals, or a real breathing person).

and then people will say dream was doing exile to enforce rules, or to keep the peace— when it’s very clear in canon it was a deliberate plan to get tommy on his own and into the prison. (from the way he was framing tommy for multiple crimes, and having sam set up the prison, and kidnapping tommy instead of correctly exiling him, all at the same time).

not even going into how he wants to kill and revive people for fun or make tommy immortal.

it’s just— ignoring all these actual facts and saying “oh he misses his friends, let’s get him some friends now” reminds me of like. when people would put flower crowns on pictures of serial killers. and then, there’s hardly anyone on the server who wasn’t subject to dream’s plans, so there’s absolutely no one i would be okay with him interacting with.

just remembered about the torture thing, and wow i still hate it so much. it’s someone’s sick revenge fantasy twisted into a way to get a manipulative villain sympathy, and it’s just gross to me on every account. i do think dream is traumatized-- just not by l’manberg, which was a conflict he started on his own terms. i would think l’manberg did affect him, because he was scared of losing control.

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again— my ideal ending for dream would be for him to be sent far away from dsmp to an island full of therapy animals and super strong therapists who have never met him before. and for him to get a shit ton of therapy until he becomes a halfway normal person. and then eventually he could get integrated into society again; but a different one with new people. (although maybe dteam + bbh + puffy can visit him, they might still like him.)

none of the people on the server (who have all been affected by dream) should be burdened with befriending him or rehabilitating him— look how that turned out with sam! sam had a personal grudge towards dream and it ended with the poor dude being tortured every day; and sam himself falling into corruption and literally cutting off his boyfriends arm. like we can all see thats fucking awful right?

no one who was affected by dream should have to deal with him ever again. and contrary to popular belief, that includes a LOT more people then just tommy. dream isn’t just tommy’s antagonist, hes almost everybody’s.

the only person on the server who might also be able to stand to help dream is techno, and that’s from sheer lack of ability to give a shit. but techno is probably THE furthest thing from a good therapist there is lol, and dream needs better then that.

this kind of just ended up being a rant about my thoughts on c!dream, so im so sorry op. especially since it was probably negative for you. i hope you’re doing very well.

i guess in the end it’s true what you said— people will highlight or ignore things based on what characters they like, and it’s especially easy to do in this fandom, where half the content doesn’t even get watched and then we become a big echo chamber of half-truths.

considering dream has hurt so many of the characters i care about, i almost can’t understand how he could be someone’s favorite or comfort character— but he is nonetheless, and it would be unfair of me to be rude about that.

essentially it just bothers me to see someone who was a perpetrator of accurately portrayed abuse and manipulation (using both those words in their actual definitions, not just as random buzzwords lol) being given the flower crown edit effect. especially since he’s hurt the characters i care about a lot.

ANYWAY all of that being said (this got LONG im so sorry op) i am so so excited to get dream’s pov, because although i disagree with his actions strongly i actually find dream’s character very interesting and cool, and watching his POV is going to insanely fun. i cannot wait to see what theories get confirmed or denied

ALSO incase it wasn’t clear this is all /nm at you! you seem lovely and smart, and neither of us can help what characters we get attached to :]

[ktheist]

Okay, I have been a bad reader and not giving you enough feedback as I should a now I feel bad. So now buckle up bc I’m going to write this long ass text for you. 💗Let’s start with “take my whole life too”, I fucking loved it so much like you don’t have an idea, I really loved how the arranged marriage trope was used but with a twist, since it’s always the guy being a dick to the sweet oc but this time jk was the sweet one (can I even call him that when he wanted his dick wet 24/7) (1/?)

and I just don’t know, really loved how you made so natural the development of oc feelings for him, they are one of my favorite couple tbh. Now let’s go with “2prettybestfrens”, this fic was just wow, it feel like a friend was just narrating how they met the love of their life. Really liked how they had this whole dynamic of the love square (is there such a thing) and jk just appeared and started simping for oc, something that I also really liked (2/?)

was how we kinda got closure with all the characters. The next one “exclusives only”, this one didn’t appeared in the tags but I discovered when I entered your profile and I’m so glad I did bc I really liked it, it was soooo good. Like how her relationship with koo was just so different to how she presented herself to the rest of her friends which I think it was the cause of a lot miscommunication and well resulted in koo fucking up and kinda running oc reputation :(( (3/?)

but I’m glad that even if he fucked up he was still there for her and show her how real he was about his feelings. And now to the big boy “show me yours & I’ll show you mine”, a fic where seokjin it’s the main character and there is kinda a big age gap? Sign me up!!! I really love this series and how oc dynamic with Jin is bc they are just acting as if the most normal thing to do sexual thing with each other in the same roof as Tae, (4/?)

like that is having some balls lol but the cliffhanger of this last chapter damn I just want to know how their friendship it’s going to be affected by this :((( I’m so excited for a new chapter Okay, this is the end of my long ass rant, sorry for not giving you feedback before, all your fics are amazing, even your drabbles are. Please always share your beautiful writing with us (if you want to of course) love you and take care bubs!! (5/5)

aaaa mar please don’t feel bad!! or don’t ever feel like you “should” give feedback (though i’m immensely happy to receive it <3). it’s hard to explain ( i can’t speak for other writers, only myself) but i write for me first and having you and my other readers say you enjoy my writing just as much is a wonderful surprise but it’s completely understandable if you don’t because reading, writing and giving feedback is supposed to be something we do out of our free will. and doing something because you feel bad means it’s not out of free will ): i’m sorry if my posts/words made you feel guilty. i’m probably not making sense but there’s this thing therapist tiktok taught me: you’re not responsible for what others feel and if you feel bad / like you need to fix/make someone feel better, then that means you do feel responsible.

i’ve had a few instances where i do things because i felt like i’m responsible for what others feel too so i’m sorry if i’m reading too much into this. but yeah, moving forward, i hope you and my all my readers, as well as myself, are able to do things freely and not have to do it because of guilt. and this goes for not just giving feedback but other things in life as well.

that was long, but i hope it made sense.

now onto my crying because of your sweet words-

for take my whole life too, it was a lowkey twist wasn’t it?? hahahahhaha i’m honored that you like the couple and their development!! when i first started it, i had the idea of a horny!jk who gets paired with a lowkey horny partner bc would they be having that much sex if oc wasn’t a lowkey fr e ak herself??  🙈 🙈 🙈

2prettybestfriends was really fun to write! it’s more character-focused than oc-jk focused, i just felt like it’d be so empty not to give all the characters closure esp after focusing on each one at some points of the fic hahahaha i’m glad you liked it!!

omg tumblr really be messing w the friend in me/ exclusive only series it doesn’t even show up in search but it’s kinda special in a way that those who were meant to find it, found it like how you did i’m - <3

HAHAAHAHA pls show me yours & i’ll show you mine ends me every time someone talks about it bc that’s probably the nastiest fic i’ve written (notwithstanding the nastinest standards in the writing cumminity (; ) lowkey wanna bury myself bc you’ll know me as that kind of fic writer or maybe im just being self consious sdajksdhak but oc and seokjin are 5-6 yrs apart and not to mention she’s his cute lil bro’s bff oops! 

thank you for this long ass text i really enjoyed reading it and i’m sorry i couldn’t reply the moment i saw it because i was busy w work and i wanna write my response properly without having to rush it out. again, don’t feel bad about not giving feedback, you just keep doing you b, having you on my notif when you reblog my fics is heartwarming as it is bc one doesn’t simply reblog a fic if they don’t like it! still, thank you very much for coming and writing this long feedback on multiple of my fics. it made my whole week <3 i hope yours will be just as wonderful <3 and you take care too!!

[chochote-sijali]

Had a talk with my therapist about my emptiness, telling her that at times the emptiness is stronger than usual.

And even though I’ve looked up information about stuff like this (especially alexithymia), I always thought that it was literally just emptiness that I’ve been feeling. That I have no such thing as emotion unless it’s anger or sadness. There are times that I feel really shaky when someone is arguing with me and I think that’s anxiety but it could also be anger or it could be something else, but I have no clue.

Anyway, she tells me that I may very well be feeling an emotion, but I’m probably just not processing it. And I’m looking up at the wall trying to think about it and I’m about to say “nah, I think it’s just emptiness” but now that I’m home and thinking more about it, it makes sense. Like, I already knew the information about stuff like this but I thought because there are times that I can actually feel emotion, that any other time that it’s impossible for me to feel emotion that I’m really not feeling anything at all. Instead, she thinks that the emotion is there but I’m not processing it well enough. She wants to talk more about it but I’m not sure how to even talk about it when I can’t feel anything.

Another thing that I told her is that in certain situations, I find it really hard to respond properly. Like, if something bad has happened in my life, I find it hard to muster up emotion to express myself. I tell her that I am supposed to feel sad but I can’t bring myself to. She says that I’m not as empty as I may seem because our last visit had me bawling my eyes out because my brother had passed away that morning, even though I came in that day not intending to cry or to even share (because I already cried enough at home, I felt no need to cry again). When I cried, I was thinking about the pain my father was in. And how I heard my oldest sister (my brother’s younger sister) bawling over the phone when speaking to him. I wasn’t crying for myself. So when I tell her that I force my tears in situations just so people don’t see me as heartless, she tells me I clearly have emotion whether I feel it or not because those tears from before were real (and they were; I just didn’t feel the sadness per se, it literally came out unexpectedly while I was smiling to keep from crying in the first place).

If another doctor could take a look at me, they’d probably diagnose me with alexithymia. And I’m almost certain I have this and it’s a serious issue. I hate not being able to process emotions until it finally slips out of me. Other people can say, “Hey, I feel such and such and this is what I can do about it”. And I’m here with the mindset “My body feels tingly; this doesn’t feel good; I hate it; make it stop”. The older I get, the less aware of my anger and sadness I become. I don’t cry much anymore at all (except, strangely, I’ve been crying more over movies and shows than I’ve ever been able to) and I only ever yell when other people yell at me. But I know I get angry a lot (that’s when I go on rants on Tumblr a lot lol) and that’s really unhealthy because I never know where the anger is even coming from. It’s just immediate. And that bothers me. Like what if I have a mental breakdown from my mood disorder because I keep stifling tears as I never know what to do with them? Each time I experience strong negative emotions, it seems that I keep doing everything in my power to not let it happen again without trying to understand why I get angry or sad. I just let it sit for ages because I don’t want another emotional outburst, but as above, as my therapist must think, my emotions are still there; they’re just not even processed anymore. Like little bugs zapping at my skin but I don’t even feel them because I can’t feel pain anymore.

This actually reminds me of how I used to get beaten when I was a kid (physical discipline/corporal punishment). How my parents used to say I grew “alligator skin” because I started getting used to certain hits. So when the hits got stronger, I felt them more until I couldn’t feel them any longer. Just like if anger or sadness was attacking me from the outside, I’d get used to it and ignore it until it got worse. So maybe my therapist is right: I’m not empty inside; I just have learned to ignore my emotions and try not to let them in until they finally give me the final, harshest blow and I explode.

Now I’m sharing this because even though I really hope none of you have to go through a lack of processing emotions like I do, I know at least some of you must feel something similar. And I’m hoping there’re others that can relate to this. The only time you know your emotions exist are when they finally come out and when you don’t like what they’re making you do, you try to stifle it every way you can. ...But sometimes it slips...

If anybody is interested, I’ve mentioned this months ago, but look into alexithymia. If you agree that you have it, it might be worth talking to somebody about it whether you find it hard to talk about it or not. I’m going to go to my next session and at least try. So if any of you have it, please do so as well. It could help give your emotions a more solid reality. And I know that sounds like the very thing you’re trying to avoid (I know this feeling very well), but having someone to talk to about it might be a good thing. So give it a try

[p-aralian]

It’s been a while since I’ve confronted my thoughts and feelings so what better time to do that than now? 

I had an exam today and I thought that when it ended, I’d have this amazing feeling of accomplishment, that I kicked it in the butt and that I’m definitely passing it. Both of that is true and yet, it didn’t feel great. It just felt like “okay that’s done, what’s next?” I don’t know, I’m kinda disappointed by that. But maybe I shouldn’t be. I feel like I have this inherent need to make everything a big deal or find some deeper meaning to things than there actually is. I failed this exam last November and it was painful. It’s the first time I thought I actually studied for something and failed it. After ACTUALLY studying for it properly, I realised that I hadn’t done it justice the last time and failing was totally justified. I remember feeling like that failure did good for my character and that it was something to grow from. Time will tell, I suppose. Anyhow, I have a month and a half before I get my results and I go back to work next week, my parents get back tomorrow, so before I get busy again, I really want to use tonight to really tease out my feelings and find out what’s going on with me. 

These past 3 weeks of doing nothing but studying was very challenging for me. I’m sure this isn’t unique to me but when I’m studying, I feel like I can’t do anything else. At work however, I know that the evenings are mine and so are the weekends so I am able to strike a balance, but only because it’s forced upon me. While studying, I was really struggling to instil discipline in myself. It all worked out in the end, but I gave myself a lot of anxiety and panic attacks throughout the process. I did, however, sometimes, find meditation helpful and I will continue making that a part of my life. I also found that taking melatonin supplements helped me sleep at night and while I don’t want to make this a habit, I think I’m going to need it for the next week at least while I get settled into my routine of working and enjoying little indulgences in spare time like dance class / workouts / random weekend activities. I enjoy work a lot. My colleagues are my best friends, I feel needed and useful, I learn a lot, it’s my thing that’s not tied to anyone else and I love that. I feel like it’s time for me to start thinking about my career in the long term and earning good money and saving up and all those adult things. So I will be applying for training contracts at different firms from next week (hopefully diligently). When I’m working though, and maybe I don’t know if I think this is the best part about it but I’m so busy to really think about life and stuff. While I was studying, omg, I was thinking about things that I thought I was past, I was feeling things that I wish I wasn’t and it was terrifying. Because of that, I don’t want my “routine” shall we say, to keep me so busy that I sweep everything under the rug rather than deal with it the thorough, healthy way. I want to acknowledge, understand, accept how things make me feel, why they make me feel that way, what I like or don’t like about it and how to deal with it. I think the meditation will be good for me in this regard. I can’t just find something else to do to keep me busy so that I don’t think about things. 

Now I’ve been so vague thus far, saying “things” and “stuff” so I wanna just try to scratch the surface of what those are. 

First, needless to say, is the one person who always plays on my mind - Shad. I don’t know what to do really. I mean, it’s been a year a 5 months since our breakup now. On a day-to-day basis sure, I can get by my day. But he still haunts my thoughts, I still miss him so much. Obviously I think about all the good times, all the mushy lovely passionate moments we shared play in my mind on repeat and it’s excruciating. I miss all that, I miss what we had, I miss who he was. I don’t know how to phrase this properly but sometimes I think that when I miss him, I’m not sure if I’m missing him or if I miss the idea of him / how I assume he would be impacting my life in that moment. Let me give an example. Obviously when I was stressed, yes I missed him because I knew for a fact that he did a lot of things to help me but it’s not like he’s here and he’s horrible on text + there’s a time difference. So the question is: in that moment, do I really miss him particularly or do I just want someone to do what he would have done for me and make me feel better the way he did when we were together? I don’t know. Shad was an amazing person, we had the greatest love I will ever know and I’m still heartbroken. That’s all I can say really. It’d mean the world to me just to see him again, one last time. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me too, probably not as often as I do. I also wonder if he’s found someone new and if he has, whether she loves him half as much as I do. I hope he’s happy. 

Wow okay, crying a lot right now. Brb. 

Whew okay I’m back.  I’ve been forcing myself to be able to deal with tough mental situations myself. I find it easy to talk to close friends when I’m angry and pissed off and ranting. But I feel like when I’m anxious and I have that heavy feeling in my heart, I just feel super vulnerable and only someone whom I’ve been vulnerable with can make me feel better and I want that person to make me feel ‘taken care of’ or something. I don’t know. Usually that person tends to be the person that I like at that moment. But that’s so bad. Or when there is none, I’ll just go into majorly distracting myself by essentially shutting myself out and talking to strangers on the Internet be it on dating apps or literally “talkwithstranger.com”. Why is that a coping mechanism for me? I really don’t understand it. Sometimes I wish I could afford a therapist so that these issues can really be ironed out and explained to me. Anyways, back to my efforts - whenever I feel anxious, be it about studying or not being able to sleep or Shad, I’m trying not to distract myself with a TV show (unless I’m having a breakdown) or by talking to anyone. I want to get through it myself. This is where the meditation is helping. Breathing has always helped me. I think I read somewhere on Tumblr of a sequence of in-breaths and out-breaths to do that specifically help with anxiety. So yeah, point is, I want to be able to do this myself so that I don’t have to rely on anyone else. Clearly still finding my feet but I’m proud of myself for my efforts. I feel like I’m trying to be healthy emotionally and mentally, which is the difficult but more fulfilling path to take. 

Now, moving on to the trajectory of my life... Sometimes with the “routine”, I don’t actually realise just how fast time is passing by. And I’m still in that “oh I’m still young” phase but the day that I can’t use that excuse anymore is gonna come sooner than I think. And yes I know that everyone has their own timelines but I do personally want to achieve things before I’m thirty. Like okay let’s talk this through. Assuming all goes to plan with this exam, I’ll do my Part B this year (more studying ugh but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there) and I’ll be called to the Bar next year in August which will make me a practising solicitor when I’m 25, bearing in mind that I’m born in January, I’ll still be in my first year of practice when I turn 26. That’s so old! And then what? Do I stay in practice in Singapore? Do I go away and do my Masters and TRY to settle elsewhere? I don’t want to plan too much because these questions have answers that are dependent on a lot of variable factors but still, it’s scary. And yes, I know it’s about the journey like wow there’s so much of life to go but I just hope everything turns out okay, I mean, life is expensive and I want to be earning well and save enough to be able to afford big things that I will want in the future. Then there’s relationships. I thought I’d be married by 30 (lol the older I get, the later that age becomes fml) but I’m still figuring out what I want out of a relationship then there’s oh, of course, the question of who the hell I’m going to marry. I can’t even with that right now. I’m not even thinking about that in the first place but also it’s so hard to date in this country while living under my parents’ roof?! That’s another thing altogether and honestly is not bothering me too much at the moment but when I do want to get serious about a person, that is definitely going to be a problem. Don’t get me wrong, I love living with my parents... but like only half of the time. 

Okay I think I’ve actually regurgitated a lot of the things that were bothering me. There’s just one last thing. 

There’s a boy I like. He’s funny, smart, kinda sweet. I’ll refer to him as “R”. Not to be like all into myself and stuff but usually when a guy likes me, they’re usually like way more into it than I am so I that I can tell (which is a put-off yeah cuz there is also fun in not knowing). If not that then I like the guy and I can sway him towards me pretty easily. Or then there’s what I had with Shad, where there was a lot of physical attraction but when it came to emotional stuff, at least there was enough tension between us to know that he cared about how it would end up just as much as I did. 

Anyways, back to R. With him, it’s different. It’s chill. Which is so new for me. I know he likes me too but we don’t talk about it (and I think I’m supposed to feel like that is a good thing). Sometimes I feel like the one overcompensating or needing more from “us” before I snap myself out of it and remind myself that this is just supposed to be breezy. We can spend time with each other but also live our lives, with the ability to consult each other as recourse in difficult situations while not being codependent. He’s a straight up, genuine guy and I’m grateful that I’m sharing this with him. Getting to know him, spending time doing fun activities with him has been so much fun and *that’s all it has to be*. He’s been a positive influence in my life and in my thought/character development. Still working on finding my balance but yeah, just wanted to give R a little bit of recognition. 

That’s all the reflection I have in me for now, Tumblr. Thank you for being there for me the past 8 years and counting. 

[welcometoshersworld]

In My Feelings Friday!

It’s Friday and I’m in my feelings!

And it’s a good thing. Today, I had the luxury of not having to work until later in the evening. I didn’t set an alarm (living on the edge) but I woke up really early (not normal for me). I made myself some tea, sat on the couch and then sipped my tea mindfully. Then I listened to my thoughts as they spilled out of my subconscious. I was putting into practice the tools my therapist empowered me with. I felt fucking strong, brave and productive. Granted some thoughts were easier to let slide by than some. As time went by I struggled to remember that my negative thoughts aren’t always based on fact. 

Still I must say I’m proud of myself. This was a chill way to get up in the morning versus the chaotic time crunch I usually subject myself to. I’m just not someone who enjoys waking up really early. I’ve tried but unless I have a cup of cafecito, I’m mad at the world for the first 10 minutes wondering if I really need to give in to society’s expectation and take my ass to work. 

(t’s weird that I self-sabotage in the mornings because for once I can say that I ACTUALLY like my job)

But you know, that’s how anxiety and depression work I guess. The joy I felt practicing mindfulness wore off once I felt my anxiety. I picked up my phone to check my email. Checking my email led to me remembering my husband and I are planning a honeymoon that seems out of reach budget-wise, which led me to check out What’s app to see if I should call my mom to talk about how broke I am, which then led to me opening up IG to see how other people were living. You know, to take my mind off of how much I felt I wasn’t living.

Two hours later, I had to catch myself: I was scrolling on SM mindlessly, consuming other people’s content for hours to make myself feel better. I was simultaneously researching cheap flights and itineraries for a trip that is 9 months away. I was tripping! I wasn’t balanced. 

I love SM, I won’t play myself, but I’m in my feelings about how much time I spend on it especially when I feel like shit. I personally need to be mindful of which thoughts drive me to consume so much. And don’t get me started on why  I was trying to plan all the details for a trip that we don’t even know we’re going on yet (anxiety).

I felt stuck af! I want to do and be all these things but I put so much pressure on myself that I try to cram it in all at once. Once I fall into that trap, all I can manage to focus on are the negatives. I don’t call my parents enough, I don’t make enough money to travel, I don’t like where I live, I can’t mediate for more than x minutes, am I supporting my husband enough?, I miss my family. The list goes on.

I’m fully aware of the reasons I had a hard time being mindful for 5 minutes this morning. But I have to have some compassion for myself. It’s ok. It happens. If you’re anything like me, just remember to slow down, breath and do things in moderation and find the balance that works for you..

So if that means right now you can only meditate for 5 minutes, so be it.

If you want to take 5 minutes to find a meme and get a good laugh, so be it.

If you want to whine or self-pity for 5 minutes, 

If you want to sing positive affirmations to yourself in the mirror for 5 minutes, 

If you want to take 10 minutes to write a feelings rant on Tumblr (lol),

If you want to read/write/dance/paint/call your parents/learn about a new skill for 5 minutes.... you get it now.

It’s all about balance. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed about everything you have to do or the things you think you’re not doing enough of...start with doing each thing for 5 minutes (or less) and work your way up!  Good luck.

If you read all of this, I love you.

∞Peace ∞

[hopelesslylovesick]

back

03/04/17 || 1:14 am

I picked up today. 2.5gs I somehow ended up back here. She was understandably disappointed and frustrated. Ironic that it’s today. Seeing how I was crossfaded af yesterday night, and tomorrow I have therapy. I have 6.5-7 lines set up. Let’s do this.

Started off with the 2 smaller lines. 

I want that high full force. I’m doing one more.

Still not quite there, going to do half of one.

1:39 am

I did a bit more a bit ago. I think she fell asleep. She doesn’t think she can help me anymore I think. Also, she said something that sort of made me appreciate her a bit more. When she said she doesn’t want to give in to me like she did to him. In a way that’s both comforting and hurting at the same time. Oh well. 

This...numbing...the clearness...the adrenaline...yet relaxation...I missed this. 

Nevermind she’s not asleep. We’re talking about the whole how I learned how to tie a noose yesterday.

I don’t know what I need help with. Not for like myself, but figuring out wise. Maybe the therapist thing will help with that, maybe I do have a problem and I’m afraid to admit it. But as it is now, I just know I’m trying to figure out something related to her and probably him too, I just don’t know what. I’m hoping I have an epiphany or something and find out.

1:45 am

Going to do the other half of a line I did earlier.

1:58 am

I have one line left. I might get some more. I just said something to her that made me realize it while I said it. I can’t run away anymore without the help of something. I don’t know if that;s a normal or a bad thing, but it’s the truth. Substances are the best distraction, because they don’t let me think as much as I do.

2:03 am

Great, I just admitted to her that in ways I’m more of a coward then him. Wonderful.

Fucking gotta love coke, letting me admit all kinds of things I would never sober.

2:11 am

She went to go sleep. I think I’m going to do the rest pretty soon. I sort of want to get some more out but I don’t know if should. Probably not of course but...yeah.

2:16 am

Did the rest. I think I might do a little more. The lines looked small in the first place anyways. Also, talked to him super briefly about the therapist, then he went mia when I asked him how he’s feeling...

2:23 am

I set up 4 more decently sized lines. Going to do one right now.

2:31 am

I’m reading our conversation from last night, when I was crossfaded and drunk out of my mind. Going to do another line, it’s a smaller one anyways so the whole line should do for now.

It’s 7 minutes later and I feel a little bit too sober rn even tho I’m not at all, I’m going to do half of a line.

2:42 am

I’m going to do the rest of the line I started. Whoa just felt a little dizzy for a second, probably because I was sucking in through my nose like mad just now lol.

2:47 am

I’m going to go do the thing and probably do my last line while or right before I am. I’m going to keep this open...maybe I’ll have some sort of final thought.

3:17 am

Honestly I’m just exhausted...but I sort of want to do a bit more. This is so bad. So so bad. But I want to do a bit more...Just a little. Then I’m actually done. For real...hopefully...

I’m going to wait a bit...maybe I don’t need more. Hopefully I don’t.

3:26 am

I feel like I’m slowly slipping back in to reality. I don’t like it...makes me anxious. Also downloading the new ed sheeran album right now.

3:30 am

I feel a bit uncomfortable around my chest. Guess that means I shouldn’t do anymore...even though I still sort of want too...sigh

I’m so awake. So sober. I don’t like this. I hate it. 

3:43 am

I made 3 more lines. This is the last for tonight. For sure this time. I’m going to either do the whole thing or half right now, depends how I feel. Also, the ed sheeran album is a pleasant surprise.

I did half. That burned my nose a little, fuck.

Sorry Ed, but it’s time for Adele for sure right now.

If I OD tonight...I guess that’s it. I don’t really know where I was going with this. I’m going to do the other half of the line right now even though I normally wouldn’t with how I’m feeling, I want to see if I can get even higher.

Also, switched halfway through someone like you to when i was your man. I want to switch again, probably i’m not the only one.

God that first drum/kick just gets me everytime, this song is honestly a masterpiece.

Switched to stay by rihanna.

3:52 am

Everything suddenly feels like it’s slowing down now, relaxing, releasing tension. I sort of want to do another line, but at the same time want to wait so I can enjoy this for at least a little longer...

Switched to young and beautiful by lana del rey.

I feel like doing one entire line right now might be too much but I sort of don’t care... Probably will just do half and do the other half again soon.

Holy shit lana del rey is so pretty in the music video for the song. Never realized.

This song is the only one I’ve fully sat through so far without switching. Interesting.

I put on haley reinhart’s cover of can’t help falling in love.

Just did the other half of the line. 

4:01 am

Why do I feel so sober today.... I dont understand. It’s definitely not because I didn’t do enough.. Realistically it’s purity, but my gut tells me it’s my mind, my psych keeping me feeling awake and very aware, overly aware of the shitty anxiety and emotions that life has just been giving me lately.

Also, listening to haley’s cover of creep.

I was going to listen to the pmj version of habits, still might really briefly, but now I want to listen to the emmylou cover.

How does it work when you pick the person who barely seems to put in effort over someone whose always been there lol. I’m not even trying to be salty, I just don’t understand, but that’s love right? I’m not even going to bother ranting about this, I have enough, this tumblr is proof of that.

I will say this, the thing that liquor has over other things is that it makes you open up really easily, helps you encounter your emotions. Coke is the opposite I fee like, it numbs you out and even though you might be aware of them, they dont actually affect you as they normally would.

4:10 am

I saw the picture I took while wasted at the park by her place last night. The quote...I’m glad I did. Also I feel too sober again. Time to finish off doing it all... I’m going to wait a little more though...just a little more.

I started going through the screenshots I took whenever she recommended me songs, none of them I’m feeling too much but it’s nice. 

Holy shit, I found this song called say you won’t let go by someone named james arthur, I’m definitely late on this but I’m glad I found it now at least. It’s so good.

Listening to a song called perfect from ed’s new album. Oh wait I’ve heard this before. But it definitely didn’t sound this good. Probably because I’ve never properly heard it haha, just heard bits and pieces.

I’m going to do the rest in a minute, or actually maybe at 4:20 haha.

4:22 am

I just did the last one, and of course I feel like I want more. No more though, that’s more then enough for tonight. 

She wasn’t lying, save myself is really good.

I don’t know what’s the right thing for them anymore. I don’t know if I should be caring. I don’t know if I want to care. I don’t know why I do. But I know that as of right now and up until now, I always have. I don’t think there’s anything I can do for him, not unless he completely opens up to me which I know he won’t. So I’m hoping that at least he will to the therapist, that’s their job anyways, so I’m hoping that’ll help him with his problem. 

She on the other hand is more complicated...so many different things are contributing to her seemingly never ending problems. Maybe I’m being cocky and assuming wrongly, but I don’t think I am. Between her court case, her dad, school, the stress from his school work, her cautiousness with her relationship, she just has so much. Before, I felt like I could at the very least help with any problems she had about her relationship...but lately it feels like I can’t. She said she’s going to see someone too, so hopefully that helps with at least a lot of her problems. 

Then there’s me, the substance abusing, lying, untrustworthy, failure and disappointment that I am. Maybe I’m being too harsh on myself, but lately it’s been feeling like that is really the case. I still don’t know what my problem is, what the root of it is. I really think if I did have a problem, at most it be substance abuse. (Also holy fuck I feel so sober fuck me) Since that’s what I seem to turn too every time I can’t figure something out or don’t want to think about something. I’m very much aware of the “elephant in the room,” which is that this all probably was caused from me being in the middle, being between them and having to watch out and care and be there. But I refuse to think that that is the reason I’m like this. If anything, it’s because I’m weak. I had a moment of weakness that led to this. Am I addicted? Maybe, I don’t know, only time will tell for sure, not to be cliche. I don’t know what I’m going to tell the therapist tomorrow. An hour to tell someone all my problems...everything that’s been on my mind. Not bad, but I don’t think I’ll be able to properly open up, because of the 1 hour time constraint, and also because I just really can’t to randome people, it’s too weird, unnatural. Maybe I’ll show her my tumblr posts. Probably so random for her, but I actually might. It’s the closest to the truth that there is in terms of what I really think.

I wonder if I’ll start to feel suicidal again now that I’m doing white again. I did quite a lot tonight too, at least compared to what I normally do. I think I’ll be fine, but I do have a slight headache and minimal chest pain. It’s a decent trade off for the peace and other things that being high off it lets me.

Wow, this album is definitely a lot better then I expected. I’ve never actually properly listened to his songs, but wow this album has some great songs. Happier and Save Myself are for sure my favorites right now.

I still don’t know if I’m still hung up on her. Part of me thinks I’m not, the other is not too sure. Whatever, I don’t really care right now, have to make sure they’re happy first. Then I can worry about things like that then. 

I want to be sad as ridiculous as that sounds, but I can’t because of the coke, one of the things that is both a negative and a positive depending on why you’re doing it. 

4:41 am

Just giving a time update. Been listening to Dive from the album, it’s also good. This album is not disappointing at all. 

Listening to Supermarket Flowers now. What a name for a song, it says so much on it’s own, just from the title. 

I think I’ll listen to his more upbeat songs later. I’m in the mood for slower songs right now, and his are definitely hitting the mark. Also the process of sobering up from coke is not that pleasant lol. I can’t tell if I’m still high or not. I just had the thought of doing more and for a second was tempted. fuck lol. Or as you would say in mando, wo cao haha. Fuck me is right....

4:49 am

I should probably sleep soon, it’s getting late. But I found myself reading what she said to me yesterday again. I have Save Myself on repeat going right now. I don’t know what I’m trying to feel or think right now...but I just know I do, ironically enough.

4:53 am

I just finished reading it, again. I got this feeling while reading it that I feel like maybe, I don’t know for sure, it’s just a guess, but maybe I lost myself. I don’t know when, I feel like it must be pretty recent, but if it happened, it definitely happened during or after that first period of time I was doing blow regularly. I’m trying to figure out why, how I lost myself. Going to go through my tumblr post to see if I can’t realize anything from it. 

4:58 am

I’m going through them right now, and I realized I forgot about something that’s been with me all my life, my want to have someone to love, something that’s not one-sided like it always seems to be. I feel like I’m slowly remembering who I am? Or maybe not and I’m just being delusional, I am high after all. I think. Also, my posts before about why I don’t feel that way for her anymore sort of helped me stop doubting it. Not completely, but nearly all of it.

5:02 am

I’ve narrowed it down to 2 possibilities. One is that it happened early December, around when I posted the one titled “Tired,” I talk about feeling done, fed up with it all. And unless I’m mistaken, I’m pretty sure that was the first time I ever felt that way about anything related to their relationship. The more I write and think about it, I’m convinced that this was when I started to slowly but surely lose myself. The other possibility I was thinking was that it happened around mid December, when I wrote the post titled “Empty.” I think that was probably one of the first or if anything the first of many days at the time that I felt really empty, really alone, like I was nothing but a shell of a human being. Yeah... based off what I wrote at the time, I lost the energy, the will to keep living at the time of writing, or around it I guess.

Both seem like pretty solid possibilities, but either ways I was right. It was while I was starting to use coke more often. I don’t know if the coke was a contributing factor to it happening, probably was knowing it’s side effects on your mood and emotions, but it definitely stemmed from where I always thought it did. Doesn’t matter now how or why it started though. I need to start finding myself I think, that’s the only thing I can think of that might work in terms of helping me get out of whatever this is, this “drowning” as she called it. But how? How do I find myself? What does it even mean to find yourself... I guess I know what I’m asking the therapist tomorrow...she’s a professional after all...hopefully she knows. 

I don’t really have the suicidal thoughts or anything like that anymore, haven’t for the past while since I stopped using. But I’m going to guess that it’ll come back since I’m doing coke again. 

So I’m writing this to future me, to the possible me that might be suicidal, thinking of ending it all. The one who will lose the will to live again, the energy to try for anything, who feels like he has no passions, no reason, no purpose in this life. You’re right. You’re probably right about a lot of the shit happening to you. You’ve always been real with yourself at the very least even if you aren’t to nearly everyone else. So I’m sure you know what you’re over exaggerating and what you’re not. But remember that you do have a purpose, at the very least for now. It’s to be a good brother and son for your family. To learn mandarin and maybe be successful enough where...maybe one day you can pay back your dad for everything he’s ever done and gone through, to make sure you, mom and your sister are able to live happily. Remember that you are fortunate enough to have friends in your life, who are more then just that title.  People who rely on you, and need you to be there, alive and well, even if it might not always seem that way. People who genuinely care about you from the bottom of their heart. Remember that you have someone in your life that you pretty much place above nearly everything else. Because somewhere along the line you decided to make sure you do everything that you can to make them happy. Remember that you used to once have dreams and aspirations as a child, that once there was a time when you had no responsibilities and lived carefree, and wanted nothing but just another good day. Remember all the heartbreaks and one sided crushes that made you want that special someone in your life as much as you do. Remember that, at the very least according to her, there is always a light. It might be hard to see, and at time feel impossible to find, but if that happens, you let yourself be guided by the people who love you and care for you, you let them take you to the light, to a better place, to a place in life where not everything seems as lost. Everything happens for a reason, might not always seem that way, might seem like things just happen for no reason other then to take you down, but for sure if you can get through it, you will come out even stronger. Things get better, they always do with time. There’s a reason why you always say it to her. It’s because while it seems far-fetched, it’s the truth. Things will always eventually get better. It might take a long time, might seem impossible, but it always eventually will. Life has it’s up and downs, there’s no such thing as a life with no moments of sadness, anger, and all that. But the reason why life is worth living is because the happy moments that also exist, that make you forget about everything bad, and just let you be happy and enjoy the moment. Stay strong. You’ll get through this.