#i need to stop journalling on tumblr

[goneistheblue]

if there is one constant in my dreams, it is people being thoroughly annoyed with me and me simply being petty and out of place but also justified in being so because they just keep on ruining everything i own?? like why did i just dream of my laptop being broken, and why did no one give a damn about it.

[ineedsocks]

[bluebird-ascended]

back on my star stable bullshit.

[cavity-collector]

i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit

[evreeone]

text (i can't put read-mores anymore without preface text, is why there's something here always)

i feel like there's a switch in my brain that gets flipped every other day that just has flipping between "i'm okay, i can just bide my time the next (hopefully only) four years, i'm somewhere that at least state-wise is protective, i won't have it as bad as everyone else, it's going to be fine. i have my small community in the form of my friends if nothing else, and i have at least One friend irl who is pretty supportive and protective, even if the world around me is going to fall apart i won't be alone in it and it might fall apart less for me personally so maybe i shouldn't be so negative" or "i want to [----] myself, i'm sick and getting sicker, old and getting older and i can barely physically handle climate change right Now let alone how it'll worsen once environmental protection policies get cut, i'm in a city where racists are pretty bold and i'm already too afraid to leave my house, i'm going to have to watch people i love and care about and family in less safe states suffer even more, i'm going to watch the birds suffer, Why do i even Want to continue living this life because there's no Living to it as someone who is just a shut-in and now any small tentative hopes i had for a future in being more openly queer are Pretty Much Gone because i'm not strong enough to persist as myself in the current political environment"

every time i wake up. the smallest tinge of hope some mornings and then complete and utter hopelessness other mornings, and it's exhausting. i never really think about the future much because i always expect to die before i get there but it's been especially hard to grapple with the fact that the one time i started to (within the past year) it immediately went to shit.

i still really don't know what to do, for myself or for others, and i think the answer might really just be Nothing and that's. hard. as it stands though i am still clinging to rain world dlc release date as at least a Gotta Get This Far marker and just crossing my fingers something else is dangled in front of my brain like a horse and a carrot that'll help me continue to push myself forward

[kindred-spirit-93]

Sup, it's me Anon

I actually did have an idea for a webcomic way back. Imagine Hera leaving Zeus with just a suitcase and her loyal attendant Iris, navigating modern Greece and self-reflecting on her life, while Zeus plots to win her back.

This concept draws inspiration from Pausanias's Descriptions of Greece, where Hera crashes the wedding of Zeus to a wooden cult statue of. I envision Hera as a blunt Dorothy-like figure (Golden Girls vibe, with Wendie Malick's voice).

As a young ambitious goddess, Hera declared herself goddess of the starts and the galaxy, experimenting with primal forces—mashing matter under its own weight or flinging it into the heavens.

Despite her formidability, she won Zeus' heart (they had a secret affair, hidden from Rhea while he was still married to Leto) Hera was thrilled to become Queen of the gods but grew disillusioned when Zeus deemed her interest in primordial laws "unfit for a queen." He reassigned her domain to domestic bonds, making her the Goddess of Marriage.

Hera tried to conform but struggled with Zeus' infidelity, which brought her deep embarrassment. Feeling unable to embody her assigned role and domain, Hera dealt with her issues with Zeus' mortal lovers and demigod children by revisiting her old passions, by making constellations (if you know how most constellations are made in mythology you'll get it).

In recent years, Hera has seemingly calmed down, growing apathetic towards the mortals (with whom she always had a complicated reputation). She now believes the rest of the gods should follow suit.

I imagine her reflecting on a lot of thinks, Her foster mother Thetys and her relationship with her actual mother Rhea and her relationship with her husband and sons. (Hera being the favourite child of Chronos will also be very important) She has a salad with Apollo, Aphrodite is her loud daughter in law. She lives with her sister Demeter for a bit (I imagine her to be quite free and open with her sexuality)

I imagine that some gods choose not to have a human form, Zeus gave up and just floats around as a sentient cloud. Mainly because I find the concept of a human looking woman being married to a small cloud funny.

Athena is worried because a bunch of weird creatures and snakes starting to rise from the ground, Hera seems to be too relaxed with that situation.

The underworld basically acts as an office comedy, so imagine the whole underworld to be set up like the Office.

And to make things interesting I imagine Hestia to be an antagonistic (not villainous) figure - dead set on keeping the family unit together

Basically it's a whole shit pot of ideas, and it just felt a bit too ambitious at the time. But those were my ideas

ANON U GIVE ME LIFE!!

i have no idea what i did to deserve this goldmine of asks but im incredibly grateful and super jazzed to see where it goes!

definately need to do more reading (if u have any suggestions or places to start ill be eternally thankful, as of now i read stuff from theoi on study breaks) but i cant promise anything bc i go off of vibes mostly lol

anyway golden girls esque the office sitcom slice of life it is!

im familiar with the crashing the wedding myth (shout out to osp's red for introducing me to greek mythology!) and suggest it be the straw that breaks the camels back;

like shes only *just* reconciled with zeus and maybe theyve even renewed their vows and hes off wooing someone else and she just packs her shit and leaves (i like this better than a grand gesture to win her back at the very end so well start with what was supposed to be a happy ending and watch it go from there)

adore the idea of hera tapping into primordial stuff (anon ur mind is so cool like what) spending time perhaps with the primordials kinda in parallel with how zeus was raised by gaia iirc, maybe she chills with nyx and tartarus and the primordial eros idk regardless

--

perhaps this experimentation and determination to carve a space for herself in the fabric of the world they inherited is what captured zeus' heart (in the mythos he was married to metis first and then themis and then after raping hera they marry in part due to heras shame but i need to go double check on that one. afaik he was ever married to leto.) anyway hera sees it as a power up that could be exactly what shes looking for and agrees to an affair bc she doesnt want to be held down

they is in loooove and its interesting to see their dynamic (as much as i love to dunk on zeus he was the god of fate law and justice etc afterall so id love to see how theyd work with eachother and grow into their domains alongside one another). this leads to their marriage and things slowly start to go down hill when heras experimentation makes him paranoid of her own infideilty (how ironic and hypocritical lol) he seeks to contain her and decrees her domains will be that of a 'traditional' wife and queen and the thrill wearing off.

her escapism is connected to the cosmos and the void she once strived to be a part of. she wishes to be set free of all that chains her down, but in her mind duty is above her own needs (its been drilled into her) and she knows opposing zeus is a losing fight (maybe this is after her attempted coup too so now shes just burnt out and tired of trying. or maybe shes just biding her time whos to say…)

super cool i think to have the goddess of maternity and marriage be conflicted about her own mother(s) and marriage i think its a great way to explore the complexities of both and makes for some commentary and possibly a side of comedy. identity crises hera halleujah amen

--

maybe iris says something in passing one day and shes just like you know waht fuck him and fuck this i too am a daughter of cronos and i inherited this earth as well, i shall do what i please everything and one else be damned. slay i guess lol

hera chooses a human form and stubbornly refuses to go back to her divine one and zeus likes chilling as a cloud except mortals cant see him in that form.. so basically visual comedy of goddess as a human living her best life and zeus in both fondness and exasperation tries to win her back but hes a poofy wisp of air. idk that dynamic has a lot of potential too lol

hera even as a human is still careless of sorts towards mortals (my girl is fighting her own demons aint nobody got time for their drama and shenanigans) but her maternal side comes out every so often when she sees a kid with dreams and less than encouraging environment and guides them behind the scenes in little ways. idk i want to see hera as more than a jealous and petty figure and more complexity in general.

--

i guess her first pit stop would be to hades, her brother hasnt seen her since the end of the titan age so hes shook and skeptical (what did zeus fuck up this time?) and shes like can i crash? *blank stare*

stoic persephone watches them whisper shout about 'order and responsibilities' and shes like u know what im taking u to nyx you two should have some tea and shit talk zeus and u will feel better. heras like bet.

iris and hermes take over the narrative maybe bc i need to see more of them together honestly, hermes gives intel from the heavens and zeus' goose chase and iris is so done with everyones shit but is also very close to hera and tries her best. shes a good friend to hera i like her ^-^

hestia being the family therapist hell yes! then maybe she snaps and tells everone off, hair bursting into flames and things melting around her and everyone agrees to a truce of sorts. idk im working on it

--

also this is what mortal hera looks to me:

(credits to SelahSketches on x) zeus fucked up so hard lol look at my girl!

[aatroxskitten]

i think the solution to seeing more of the content about your specific kind of trans existence to follow blogs that actually post about it instead of expecting different trans ppl to cater to you. tumblr is not activism and ppl are allowed to do whatever they want on their personal tumblrs, so like??? i am not expecting a trans girl to blog about transmasc experiences and vice versa. it is not a "denial of resources" and it is not oppression to not be blogged about on Tumblr Dot Com. this is literally just a little journal. we're not changing the world, we're venting or posting about things we like. allow others their space. "waaah there's too much x on my dash, why aren't they posting about y" why do you follow people who only post about x then, why aren't you following the million blogs that post about y? it's tumblr. we're not running out of space. there is room for all of us, so curate your dash and stop whining.

[wanderinthedeep]

i had such good sex last night, fucking finally

[junewild]

some of you might already know that m & i want to start a family. and for more than six months now i have been desperately wishing that we could start today, or even yesterday. but there are so many, many steps between here and there.

we want to do right by them. we don't want them to grow up in poverty. i remember being a food bank kid. he remembers being homeless. so... before we even get a vasectomy reversed & an iud removed, we need to increase our income, pay off debts, figure out long-term stable housing (ideally be on the short path to buying a home), do some fertility testing, establish good healthcare relationships, and a dozen other smaller things.

and... even after all of that, there's the big unknown of. what if we can't? what if i can't get off my psych meds? what if it takes too long? what if my mom's fertility issues are hereditary? what if the vasectomy reversal fails? what if, what if, what if?

i'm trying so hard to live in the moment, to enjoy the here and now, not to take for granted these precious days of just the two of us and three cats in a 500'2 studio, of him working from home and me only out of the house three days a week, of sleeping over at my mom's every weekend, of building a relationship and a life together. days that i know i'll miss.

but i've never been very good at keeping my mind out of the future. my best friend keeps sending me baby videos because he wants kids too and every one of them squeezes my heart. we watched matilda this week and cried the whole time. burrow's end is destroying me from the inside out, but i can't look away.

i just. i want. up to this point i've gotten very good at stuffing my wants, even this particular one, under the bed and ignoring them, but... this one has gotten too big for that these days. it won't go quietly anymore.

[m0tel6mxzzy]

i notice weird things happen if i don’t write in my journal once a week. if i don’t get it out it stays in my brain and the intent is never repressing anything but apparently if i don’t journal once a week my brain feels really hungry and mean and somehow journaling fixes it more than just acknowledging repetitive thoughts are there and shrugging them off but not reacting all upset. like damn i actually gotta feel this and specifically by writing or i will explode

[prozach27]

.

[stranger-walks-by]

Wow. i was unsure my words would reach anyone, so I'm surprised a bit. as long as of course, these aren't also just specks of the void known as bots to keep me motivated, well either way its working. hence why I would log into here in the first place. Yesterday was my birthday. Its a day where I hate myself the most. and for reasons you wouldn't expect. I don't have to spend it alone, none of my loved ones forget it. Hell, they prepare gifts for me, wishes for me. My friend (she's amazing) said she doesn't feel any happiness on her own birthday but on mine she feels so happy that she could cry because this day is a reminder that I was born and that's special. Such sweet heart. Such beautiful beings. And such an ungrateful prick. Guess what I spent entire day doing, of course, the only art I have mastered with quite passion, complaining. Complaining and complaining. The world will give the most beautiful flower and I will complain the colour is too bright. I am the kind of person I loathe most in the world. Ones that are too busy worrying about the flaws that they forget the beautiful things they were blessed with. I think I am a wretched being. How could I have the audacity to complain about how empty it feels when I am surrounded by all these amazing people, wishing nothing but genuine best for me. I dont deserve them, and even worse, i dont give them the genuine respect they deserve. I complain like the self pitying piece of shit I am. The world doesn't revolve around you, or how much you hate yourself, or how much nothing ever feels enough to fill the pathetic gaping hole in your heart, no one gives a shit about that. what matters, is that some people with beautiful hearts and eyes just beautiful has seen something to love in you and of course you being the pathetic creature you are, you'll run from it. and hate yourself more. god. I dont deserve them. I'll never be happy. not like this. not after everything I've gotten. there are people spend their birthday alone for gods sake. That was a very long..well, what would I call it, something. You might as well get used to it, dear reader. I meant to fill this, piece of internet with some words that sound nice together but all I'm doing is diluting it with my constant screeches of made up woes. That is probably all I'll ever end up to be. Oh well. I really like birds.

[missanathea]

She makes very interesting points. Language is a very powerful tool for influence and we should better equip ourselves to decipher manipulation attempts, and to recognize the intent behind the words used, because that will tell you just as much about a situation, as the actual words will.

But I can't agree with the journalists bashing. Because while I do agree that some journalists are bad and some are maybe getting manipulated or not seeing (and so presenting) the real situation, the work journalists do is very important. They are just as much a part of the truth as the people on the ground. It’s just that you have to be aware that you shouldn’t trust them blindly. You should never trust anyone blindly, because no one has the whole story.

Even people on the ground.

Of course it’s very important to listen to them to know what’s happening. What it’s like. How Israel is treating them. But they don’t have the whole story, just like you don’t have the whole story of your life. You make assumptions and sometimes those assumptions are wrong. Again, I’m not saying dismiss what people on the ground are saying. I’m saying listen to everybody and compare notes. Compare what the people on the ground are saying to what the journalists are saying to what the politicians are saying to what your moral values and compass are telling you is right and acceptable. And then you’ll have your truth (but it will still not be The Truth, although this is getting philosophical).

What she says about Palestinians being hostages is very interesting too, but I don’t take issue with the word prison like she does. I’ve never seen it as "they are there so they must have done something wrong". I’ve always seen it has "prison is a place were you are denied most of your rights (most of all your right for freedom) and this is the situation they are in". And because I know they are here because of the people they were born into, and not for anything they ever did, I can tell it's unjust. So the term has never presented the Palestinians in a negative way to me. Rather, it's presented the Israeli state as an abusive state that doesn't respect the right to freedom and free ownership of their land of the Palestinian people. (But I can understand that to someone completely uneducated about the situation, "prison" could present the Palestinian negatively.)

Finally, the last thing I take issue with is "when they start writing this, that's because they want you to disconnect". I feel like this is akin to the academic bashing that we've seen in recent years. Because hiding from the complexities of a situation can never be the answer. The issue is not that media going into specifics will make people turn off their brain. The issue is that we don't go into specifics enough, as individuals. The issue is that we turn off our brains in the first place. Expecting media to just give you simplified, ready to consume "truths" will not help us prevent this from happening again. Going into the specifics, and understanding Israel's history, and the history of the Jewish people, and why the state of Israel says to have claims on Palestine is how we can identify the warning bells in future similar situations to prevent history from repeating itself. So next time the media goes into specifics, don't just assume they are trying to send you to sleep. Turn your brain on, dig in, think, and research using varied sources.

[violet-dragonfly]

it’s that time of the year folks

[chocolaytte]

밤 (night) - i

[ancient-reverie]

s/o to my fellow systems whose brains are just wild and will see a nice rock and make an alter. like okay brain, that's nice thank you. no idea what started us as a system, but over the years we've had many new people form and the causes are varied. this is not a full list, just a couple of experiences

i want to preface that there is nearly no way to "prove" if these are true reasons or not as is the nature of dissociation. but they FEEL right and it's our brain so we would have some idea. and it Doesn't Really Matter in the end being as what matters is that we Are Here Now.

really we made this as a list so maybe someone who needed to could relate to or laugh at one or more of the things

a lot of feelings about not being able to sing gave us a vocaloid with a broken voice

almost drowning landed us a transmasc siren

started writing a new character and oops hi pretty okay and strong girl

"i need a big brother"

some really bad shit went down in mindspace (this happened often when we were younger) and an alter or two were traumatized so write a note to wait two months and start looking for a new one but still be surprised and confused when the new one comes up anyway

some symptom got too much to handle so now it's this guys turn wait who is this guy

discovered a new song and listened to it on repeat and maladaptive daydreamed someone a new friend or child

bestie said we weren't friends no more so i'm gonna become someone who has never met bestie

We Aren't Talking About The YouTuber That We Watched Too Much Of And Used For Emotional Support Until They Showed Up And We Pulled Off A Perfect [redacted] Accent And Refuse To Speak Of Since (sorry)

uncomfortable moment you will only ever be Confused about despite being able to remember it and what was happening

every alter rotating out during the Suicidal TimesTM until there's no one else who can handle it so yOu MakE ONe and they're actually really happy for a minute and can appear to break the depressive session but very quickly realizes what they're in for and joins the rest of the Sad Club, thanks for the help buddy, sorry and welcome to the club we have weed

Bird Hyperfixation

"i need a new mom"

Vampire hyperfixation

literally just a different version of an existing alter. alternate-timeline 'if this had happened or hadn't happened' or future/older selves

you really liked this character in that show but your brain for some reason won't take the actual character. oh no it has to make its own person that is an exact mirror of that character! but it wont tell you! you have to forget all about that character until 10 years later when the alter realizes it but they're so different now you don't actually know but it probably shaped you in some way

had a slut phase on discord and the fake personality 2 of the alters used online turned into her own person

You haven't met the alter that you know exists because you asked for them to exist at the same time you heard your father cry for the first time at 27 when you all Lost a creature who the whole system considered their daughter.

people just form when the brain decides it's a good idea for us. it's been awhile since we've had a new fully fleshed out alter who has the energy and desire to be out/slots into the main group that takes care of most things. when new ones form these days (like 2.3 every 4 years) it's "quieter" people that pop up, introduce themselves, and then chill in mindspace with the rest and we don't really hear from them much.

Last we counted we have about 50 people (we counted a long time ago i'll be honest), but on a daily basis only about 3-5 people are active and it's not always through the whole day. at least 2-3 are always active. Siruss is the only one who can solo we dunno why.

our usual routine someone will be out and they'll have a co-fronter and or a couple background buddy(ies), and then the co-fronter and background people change after a week to a month, it depends on who it is. sometimes one of the background or co-fronters will swap out and be the main one for however long they can manage (depends on who it is)

but if we're leaving the house and around other people the routine is totally subject to change.