#i really need to go to bed and stop using tumblr as a journal

[inkskinned]

it's just that there's a few more steps you have to take that other people don't have to take, but they don't see the steps, so they think you should be able to hop from moment to moment, a chickadee.

it isn't getting out of bed. it is the weight, the hook in your chest, the anchor. you have to move the anchor first. you have to silence your alarm, but your phone is in your hand, which means now you have to put the phone down, which is too-hard. you get stuck in there for a while, the white screen, mindlessly scrolling. you don't even like this activity, have tried a few other options but - here you are, and time is passing.

you've googled iron deficiency causes depression and if i drink enough water does it help with mental illness and anxiety but no caffiene within the last two weeks, like how you googled am i gay quiz at 17.

it isn't just calling the doctor back, it's the anxiety, it's these little moths in your lung cavities, furious and fluttering. you need to figure out how to capture your fingers from between their nervous bodies. you are an adult, you can say the words yes hi, i'm calling because i need - but you need to practice first. maybe write it down because what if you misspeak, wouldn't that be embarrassing. write it down, but you need to find a pen first. well, actually, your desk is kind of messy. you should get a new pen. you should get a new organizational system. you should try journaling.

your grades in school were always strange. the way teachers would say things like it feels like you're not trying. you could touch stars in the stuff you cared about. well, sometimes. god be willing. homework average zero. oops! your english teacher's wrinkled brow: i know you know this stuff. what the fuck are you doing?

it isn't the showering, it's the mirror before the shower and the soft horrible pull of your naked physique. you have to avoid eye contact completely or else it'll be 93 minutes later and you'll have picked at your skin until every little pore is bleeding. you have to stand up but standing is tiring and also you should have remembered to buy more soap but you never remember anything. maybe get out of the shower and while it's still running and you're still dripping wet, use your phone to take a note. make a note to get your groceries. let the shower run while you stand half-in half-out and get lost in your phone for a moment. come back out when the water runs cold and now you have to sprint to get ready.

your grandmother's frown. you're just being lazy. protestant work ethics in a house that isn't even protestant. she says she just learned different but she means learned better, doesn't she.

it's not that you can't send the email, it's that your hands have been hurting lately and the desk really is messy and also why the fuck would you even care about this thing? doesn't everyone else feel like they're drowning? hi brendon thanks so much for sending! will review and get back to you shortly. but now you're on the internet, close the tab with tumblr on it. go on, close it. feel the little soft vapor of boredom come up and over your eyeteeth and make everything overwhelming and itchy.

literally all you have to do is put on shoes to go outside. you're literally already dressed, that's the hard part of this whole thing. literally just put the shoes on. just... do it! do it! this shit is easy!

it's literally that easy. just stop taking all those stupid invisible steps. stop following your strange made-up rules. times like this, even you're positive you're faking. you just don't want to bother with the cleaning and the cooking and the being-an-adult.

but then - shouldn't you be able to put these stupid shoes on? nobody's even looking. go on kid. life is out there! just take the leap!

get moving.

[incognito-duo]

MUTANT MAYHEM HCs!!

Leonardo

The turtles and Splinter all call him Da Vinci, hated it at first but then grew to love it.

Loves watching Octonauts, and made a video essay about it.

Likes going to Walmart

Watches Vine compilations at 2 am when he can’t sleep

Color codes his candy, for example, only eats all of the red Skittles then the purple ones then green, etc.

Cried over Roblox VC once, and his brother verbally harassed a 5-year bc of it.

After Scumbug got with Splinter, Leo tried to encourage his family to learn the language she spoke. He is the most fluent, but as good as Splinter.

Even though he's a snitch, Leo has blackmail/secrets that are brothers only. (Some things are sibling code fr)

Favorite Dcom is Z-O-M-B-I-E-S, and looks up to Zed.

Loves cheesy Rom-cons, and has a Tubi account just for it.

Donatello

Head of movie nights, mostly watched anime movies but tried to find one the whole family would love.

Has his tent because he owns a bunch of merch, and needed a place to put it.

Simon, from Alvin and the Chipmunks, kinnie. Had a massive childhood crush on Jennet.

Def a Disney Kid, TOH, Molly McGee etc.

Got into Anime, and other fandoms, bc of AMV's.

Fandom wiki user, and a Tumblr user.

Studio Ghibli GEEK!! Made many video essays.

Chapped as hell lips, carries small Vaseline around (Forgets to use it)

Owns a diary

Info dumps and long study sessions a lot

Michelangelo

Only wants bubble tea for the pearls

Had a small wig era... failed, and never did it again. (He only wears wigs in secret)

Has the best handwriting

He could wing a test if he paid attention in class because IMPROV!!!

HAS to sleep near one of his brothers, hence why he has a bunk bed.

Has glow-in-dark stick stars on his wall!!

Number one hypeman when you wanna ask your crush out. Definitely helped Leo with April

Writes in orange glittery pen

Likes to style his mask in bows or fun edges

Over thinks with giving others gifts, decorating, and hosting parties

Raphael

He HATES the dentist

He is actually a big softie and dork (like we all know), so he yaps a lot with April, his brothers, and the people he's REALLY close with

Likes a few musicals because of Mikey, like CryBaby and Ride of the Cyclone

Loves to show off, mostly to impress people

Plays Valorant with Casey

Bullies little kids on Roblox voice chat

Childhood crushes were on Liv from Liv and Maddie, and Cat from Victorious

Likes to munch on waffle cones when bored

He's too loud or too quiet when speaking during certain times without knowing

Owns a journal, and has the most outrageous handwriting

April

Kids still bully her, but a lot have stopped after the events of the movie

She slowly learns how to get over her stage fright

the CUTEST handwriting when taking notes, the aesthetic school notes with the pastel highlighters

Doodles during class, and tends to doodle Leo when working on her newspapers (AprilNardo>>>)

Lowkey hated Casey before they became BFFs

Goes to her apartment roof when she needs to relax, or when bored

Listens to Lofi Girl when studying

Likes to make small, silly comics for the school newspaper

Loves tot bags, or duffel bags!

She is an only child, but loves to hang out with her parents and relatives. Every weekend, she goes to IHop with her family and invites the turtles and Irma sometimes

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - April 6

empathy anon (new), sunrise anon, get over anon (new), thoughts anon, tomato anon

empathy anon

hi cas!

i have this friend who is low empathy. he has said it many times and explained it to me and i do get it, but also, sometimes he just idk insults me ig?

he will say i need to change my appearance (jokingly, but he’s still dragging up old insecurities in unpleasant ways), and 90% of the time when i ask for help from him, he says “it’s not that hard” or smth like that. he judges me and says i just need to “try harder”

it’s frustrating. i don’t feel comfortable failing around him, and he is genuinely such a lovely person, but sometimes he makes me feel like shit

i think if i told him it would just go back to the fact that he’s low empathy, but i still feel like thats not an excuse to treat me poorly idk though

Hi!

I think what you said last, about it not being an excuse to treat you poorly, is exactly right. People have different levels of empathy and that's completely fine. Sometimes I have trouble having empathy, too. But that doesn't give anyone the right to say rude things. Low empathy doesn't cause the inability to shut up lol. I think he needs to learn to say "Hey, I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this" rather than saying hurtful things.

Honestly I think you should tell him hes being hurtful and if he continues to be, then you need to take a step back. Empathy aside, friends don't treat friends like that.

Sending love <3

___

Sunrise anon

hiiiii first of all, sunrise anon is a beautiful name and I love it

It’s fine that it took you a bit to respond! I assumed that tumblr ate up my ask so it was nice to know it wasn’t. Strange that it only just appeared in your inbox though lol

I didn’t end up going to any of my classes, I was very emotional for that entire day, literally could not stop crying. It would of been embarrassing but luckily my parents were very understanding about the situation as this was not the first time it has happened. It bad never been that bad though. My worst nights are usually when I get around 1-2 hours so they’re used to dealing with me being pretty sleep deprived.

I do not currently have a set night-time routine but I am working on it. I try get into bed at the same time every night, and then I try go to sleep at the same time every night, it’s not always successful but it’s quite nice to have set chill time yk

Since then I’ve been much better. Actually I’m sleeping really well, I’m not used to it, it’s amazing. Nobody told me sleep could be so restful. I thought that entire thing was a myth. But no! It’s true! What a world we live in

Anyway, thanks Cas! Really appreciate everything you do

Also I love all your microfics, they are often the highlight of my day <3

Hi!

I'm so glad you've been sleeping better lately! Remember that a bedtime routine isn;t just going to bed at a certain time, but having certain things you like to do before bed-- reading, washing your face, listening to music, etc. If you do those things habitually, then on those nights when you don't feel tired, you can try those things to sort of trick your mind into feeling tired.

I hope you continue to sleep well!

____

get over anon

how do I get over someone? It has nearly been a year now…

Hi <3

I think you have to be gentle to yourself. Feelings aren't linear and they can take a lot of time to evolve. Have you tried allowing yourself to feel and exploring those feelings? Journal, draw, sing, things like that, to express those emotions, rather than stifle them, you know?

____

thoughts anon

Hey Cas, I need fic writing advice

It's my first fic (The Cruel Prince au), and a lot of canon facts are changed as I see fit. To the point that people may not like reading it. I've written the prologue and the first two chapters but I'm yet to publish it (on AO3 ofc). I'm uncertain on how to go about this, what tags come in what chronology and what can be classified as a trigger warning. I don't want to be ignorant or disrespectful in any way, and this fic is kind of like my baby so I kind of want to post it but I'm also wary.

-thoughts anon

Hi <3

So I'm very gently going to say that you're overthinking this. You're thinking way too much about your audience and not enough about you. Who cares if certain people don't like reading it? Write it for YOU. As far as tags, again...tag what you want! What do YOU think is important to tag? And for TWs, what did you write about that you have seen warned about in the past? Normally the major ones are SA, death, SH, SI...but you know your writing best.

I know this is your baby and you want it to be perfect, but you can always add and change things as you go <3 Do this for YOU. What would you as a reader want your fic to look like?

You can do this!

____

Tomato anon

Well, hello there! It's tomato anon.

Been a while since we talked. Thought I'd catch you up.

My friend is fine, doing way better. Figured myself out, so that's good. I'm greysexual, and I've changed my pronouns a little bit. Also got myself a boyfriend, if you can believe it.

Life's good, and I'm very thankful for the advice you shared with me.

Hi! I'm so glad things are good, congratulations on the boyfriend!! It makes me so happy to know things are good with you!

Have a good day! <3

[littlemissgeek8]

Author Ask Tag

So, I got tagged by @hyperions-light a while ago and whoops, wasn't able to answer back then due to a persistant hedache that's been making life miserable. But, I finally managed to get my thoughts in order, so I may as well try to write something for this, huh? I guess I'll fill it out for my current WiP, The Viscount's Bride.

What is the main lesson of your story?

Uh, I'm not entirely sure? The story's still in its early phases, and basically started from a "I just want to make these two fall in love" kind of deal. But so far it's looking like there's at least a little "don't judge a book by it's cover" in there. (Trite, I know, but I haven't written fic or really analyzed writing since 2018, so please give me some grace. <3)

What did you use as inspiration for your world building?

Well, it's a Dragon Age fanfic so uh, it's just the Dragon Age setting in general for the world building. But in terms of the actual story, it started with a bit of East of the Sun, West of the Moon (very, VERY early on) and I discovered while I was actually writing that I was subconsciously drawing on the anime My Happy Marriage. I'm obviously not trying to copy that anime or anything but there is definitely a good deal of inspiration.

Also I've been spending more time than I expected researching life in the Tudor era (since Thedas seems to be closer to Renaissance than "medieval" really, but it's not a one-to-one thing). There's nothing quite like stopping in the middle of a writing session to go research historical bedding or hierarchies of servants in a noble/royal household. And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention getting some inspiration from @curious-happenstance's "Do You Like My Dress? It Has Pockets" fic, which got me excited about diving into putting historical details into my work. (It's a very sweet story, I recommend it!)

What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? So you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness, or help them grow as a person?

I guess in a way I have two protagonists since I do occasionally switch into Varric's POV, so I'll deal with both. Varric quite simply is trying to keep his friends safe while also not being blackmailed into marrying someone he doesn't know. Darvia on the other hand is mostly just trying to not piss anyone off and get herself killed (and also not end up saddled with providing for her crappy parents again.)

How many chapters is your story going to have?

However many it takes to get through this! More than four, but probably less than 100. XD Unless something has gone intensely wrong, that is.

Is it fanfiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?

It's fanfiction, obviously. I'm definitely planning on posting it on AO3, though other sites are unknown yet. I don't feel like figuring out my old ff.net account again and idk if it would do any numbers on tumblr since most of my posts here do very poorly.

When did you start writing?

Oh god. That's like asking when I started breathing. I know I have school journals from at least 4th grade of my fledgeling attempts at writing, if not even before then. I've been fascinated with stories my whole life and I don't think that will ever stop, though often my own brain gets in the way. (Not sure if it's executive functioning issues or just good old fashioned laziness but it's somewhere in there.)

Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow writers of writeblr?

READ BOOKS. I'm serious. Fanfic is great but sometimes grabbing an actually published, edited book is going to help get those brain wrinkles started again. And challenge yourself with those books sometimes too--you'd be surprised at how much technique you can learn just from reading something that's actually at your reading level or a bit higher. (Aka, as tempting as it is to just read YA forever, sometimes you need something with a bit more meat on it. Like finding a classic that interests you.) Most of all, experience stories of all kinds. Whether it's a good TV show or a comic book or what have you, there's always that wonderful chance it will spark some inspiration that leads to creating something amazing!

[amysubmits]

Hello, I hope you are doing well ^^

Do you have any advice on how to inlcude D/s dynamic into everyday life of a couple that doesn't live together?

Thank you💛

Hi Anon,

I am well, thank you! Hope you are too.

I have always lived with my Dom so this is just coming from a mixture of ideas I've seen shared on tumblr and my own noggin, and I might miss some of the practical challenges of not living together seems how I haven't actually walked in your shoes. But, here goes.

The dom could assign tasks, rules or chores to the sub. This could be nearly anything. Taking daily meds, doing a skincare routine, having a set bedtime, reading a chapter of a book per day, journaling, making your bed. It really just would depend on what the two of you would feel connected to each other and to your D/s roles.

I've heard of LDR subs sending picture or video evidence of completing their rules or just texting when each thing was done so that the dom could keep track of what was done. Or some use apps that report chores/tasks/to do lists as completed. Or you could just have a set time of the evening where you check in and go over which tasks were completed.

If you want to defer certain decisions to your dominant, I've heard of LDR couples having a 'default answer' to accomodate for situations where a quick response may not happen. For example, if you wanted to set up needing permission for consuming caffeine after 4pm, you could agree that you could ask permission at any time, but if your dominant is too busy when you text to reply, then the default answer is no. You could also plan to ask permission for things well in advance if you predict you'll want it. For example, maybe you have a tendency to stop at a coffee shop when you go shopping with a certain friend, and you're planning to go shopping tomorrow so you know there's a good chance you'll want to have a coffee after 4pm, so you could ask your dom today if you can be 'pre-approved' for that for tomorrow, so that you don't have to worry about getting an instant response once you arrive at the coffee shop.

Those are the main ideas that come to my mind. In general though, I think it can be helpful to try to keep your ears perked for any struggles that either of you are having, or specific things either of you like. Those two situations often lend themselves to service on either side.

For example, if your dom shares anything that is frustrating them or difficult for them, maybe you can serve them by finding ways to lessen that problem, depending on what it is. Maybe they dislike grocery shopping so you can schedule them a pick up order for their local grocery store that they can just pull up and get. Or if they mention that they get bored while stuck in traffic, you could research books related to specific interests you know they have, and send them a that list of audiobooks that they could try to listen to on their commute.

I imagine I have plenty of couples who follow me who don't live together or are in LDR's so they might be able to reply with better suggestions. :)

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok I am halfway done with my 2024 books list but I’ll finish it tomorrow… I need to try to sleep at a reasonable hour after being up till after 3:30am last night 😵‍💫 I had no caffeine at all today so I’m praying I don’t have insomnia that bad again. I can’t believe tomorrow is my last day at home… I’m not ready to go back I’m not ready for my last week of leave I’m not ready to start working full time again ���� I mean I am but I’m also scared it’ll be overwhelming and too much and will fling me back into some of the really bad feelings I was having about work before I went on leave. I also just got an email from my therapist telling me that she’s leaving private practice so I have to either stop therapy or find someone new, which bleh I don’t know that I need to be in therapy right now but I also appreciate having a therapist so that when big stuff comes up I know I can talk through it with someone who has a good handle on how I process stuff. idk I have to think about it some more. and also I do just feel sad to lose that relationship! I feel like she really helped get me through my horrible first trimester anxiety and the grief over the pregnancy loss, and I just liked talking to her about parenting feelings. idk bleh the timing just kind of sucks with me preparing to go back to work and dealing with the big feelings about that. but it’s okay it’ll be fine.

umm ok let’s see what else is on my mind lol just dumping out my brain real quick in my journal on tumblr dot com. tomorrow my aunt and cousin are coming over with my cousin’s absolutely delightful little baby so that the two babies can hang out again, which will be great. then I meet with a student in the afternoon for about an hour (I also need to remember to write exit tickets for the meetings I haven’t finished writing them for). then I just want to spend some time with my parents and the baby and get packed up so monday morning doesn’t feel rushed. I fly home monday and am feeling some dread about facing the flight again but I think even if he gets a bit cranky he will likely be in a MUCH better mood overall in the middle of the day than he was at 11pm at night lol. but I’m just prepared for that day to be pretty draining and then I expect we will have disrupted sleep to deal with that night. but tues we can rest most of the day before we do dinner with liz’s family. and then wed I kind of want to do something a bit special to commemorate the end of leave, although idk what that will be yet. maybe just a nice long walk and snuggle time in the big bed and some reflective journaling and working on his baby book. thursday I don’t work but we are doing a trial run at daycare for a couple hours and I will need to make sure I know what my Friday schedule looks like. I kinda wish I had taken Friday off too but I am hoping I can work from home and use the day to mentally reorient myself before I have to deal with the weird workplace dynamics in person. and then it will be the weekend right away!!! so I can snuggle the baby and maybe hang out with my siblings and do whatever I need to do to get ready for the first full week. I can’t believe the end is finally here but it’s going to be okay. all I can see right now are the things I am going to be losing (flexibility, time with my kid, control over my own schedule, easy relaxed mornings, a calm emotional state lol) but that’s how it always is before a big change! you can’t yet see all the things you will be gaining. I really love my team apart from mumble mumble and I like solving problems and I enjoy speaking in front of groups and I was having fun learning about the quirks of my particular institution. it’ll be okay and I know that I am strong enough to handle being a solo parent and working full time.

[hibernatinglikeabear]

Day One (01) of thought dumping.

Today, just every other weekend that I have, I spent all day rotting in bed- doom scrolling. However, I always go back to watching videos on YouTube on how to earn money via side hustles. Why though? "Cause money is great!" /insert that Wired Emily Rudd clip.

Anyways, no, but an actual good quote that I heard today regarding money is that "Money buys you freedom", and that's so accurate. I want the freedom that money gives you.

Watching those 'how to earn six-figures via internet' videos, they always start with these questions "what are your skills, do you have hobbies, interests? why not start monetizing those."

However, that circles back to needing money. You want to learn and upskill? You probably have to pay for courses. You want hobbies? Yeah that also needs money... these are what I kept saying, when I compare myself to other people that I see on social media, "Because I do not have the money to invest in myself and upskill, I'm not interesting enough, I'm not artistic enough and I'm not smart enough. Which also means I have nothing to monetize in order to find my own side hustle niche."

What an excuse. Clearly, those are just excuses that I tell myself in order to get away from actually starting. There are ways around upskilling and making your life more interesting using basic internet connection.

All I have to do is start, but why is that so difficult.

But this is why this is here!

WHAT IS THIS BLOG ALL ABOUT

Well, I call it the "Adding Character Depth Project".

Correct, character depth, I believe that my life is not interesting like others who have the money to spend outside, my personality is also not that unique and I don't think I have any out of this world talent, magic, strength or brains. In short, if I am a character in a novel, my life story and personality doesn't have that flare that makes them really interesting. The maximum role I'll get is that one liner character.

But if character building and character development exist in novels, why can't it be done in real life??? There's no way this is it. The other side of myself can't believe this is my maximum potential, I'm not satisfied with this version of myself. There has to be more.

So how can I add character depth to myself? Since this is not research based, let's start with what I find interesting that other people do or the people that I aspire to be do:

Journaling. This is what this tumblr is all about. Thought dump and progress dump. (With my personality of referencing what other people do, I wanted to make an official website for a blog but that's too time consuming and I'll end up stopping before I even started writing. So good old tumblr it is.)

Reading. I like reading actually but need to diversify. But for the past years I got hooked on fluffy romantic mlm and wlw books and I haven't able to explore beyond that genre anymore. I would like to read books that would make me think, that would intrigue me, that would make me feel like life is really interesting.

Pursuing art at 20s. I saw videos like PewDiePie where he started documenting his art journey by drawing everyday for 100 days(?) and it looks promising. As much as possible what I actually find interesting in drawing is world building, I want to draw the world or scenery that is usually being describe in the books that I've read. I don't really know how to start that one though.

Films. The people that I find to have interesting takes on life and unique personalities are usually people who dabble on films and photography. I want to start on expanding my knowledge and "uniqueness" (lol) by watching more films with good writing, good plot, good acting, good music and not my comfort variety shows.

Actually upskilling. The internet have so much to offer I'm pretty sure I can upskill on YouTube and find ways to earn money with that. Though this is quite a goal on it's own.

I'm pretty sure there are more to add but my brain can't think of any. Anyways, there are more details to add in every single one of these projects or hobbies, but I think it's better to discuss them separately.

[aphroditestearsofjoy]

#𝟏𝟎𝟎𝐃𝐀𝐘𝐒𝐑𝐄𝐈𝐍𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 - Week 1

Although I am (extremely) new to the self improvement community on tumblr. I have seen the #𝟏𝟎𝟎𝐃𝐀𝐘𝐒𝐑𝐄𝐈𝐍𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 challenge from @dreamdolldiary come by a few times amoung self improvement creators. Because of my curiosity, I have finally read the challenge and I immediately knew that this was the ideal challenge for me to start my self improvement journey! The "goal" of this challenge is to start with holding yourself accounteble and to build healthy habits.

So these were my first few weeks of attempting following this "challenge". And it went absolutely horrible, but I learned a lot from it.

The first 2 days of this challenge I felt very confident and good. But I completely broke down after that. I completely ignored this challenge for the next 2 weeks, because I wanted to focus on school. But because of that I forgot myself and selfcare, after that it didn't take long to stop having motivation for school too. Around this time of year I almost always get a little 'winterdip', but this year it was so massive that I stayed home the past week because I could not find the energy to move or do anything. I was probally already overworked when I started this challenge and expected way too much from myself.

What I'm going to do is analyse the situaltion, break the causes in small parts and find solutions for my problems. I will end this post with a plan for "week 2".

𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 "𝐞𝐱𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐩"

☙ 𝟏. My biggest problem is that I value my results over my wellbeing. But because of that I feel so horrible that I am also not able to preform well. And that involves slowly into a burn-out.

What I will do is prioritise my goals my physical, mental & emtional goals. While slowly adding more other goals to work on. To help balance schoolwork & my wellbeing. I will make an overview the schoolwork that needs to be done weekly. Then I will decide what to do from that list when planning out my day, I will plan my studying sessions based off the time that I have to study that day. When I don't have the time to finish, I will let it go and do it another day. I will try to do as much work as possible on school days, but what I can't get done in that time, I will make in the weekend.

☙ 𝟐. I have the tendency to stress over the smallest thing, but I will nog give myself the space and time to process those. In my night/ evening routine I will add 10 minutes of non-stop writing. That way I can get my feeling out and if I notice that someting is really bothering me, I will take time for it the upcomming day.

☙ 𝟑. I will make time for a self care day. Saturday, after I return from work, I will make a nice lunch and drink for myself, read, take a bath and do fun things! (Like a mini movienight).

☙ 𝟒. Learn to let go! I have the ability to make myself so incredibly, by simply not leting go of the thing that do not serve me. I carry other people's trouble's, other people's expectations and lot's of other thingsI have no influence on. But even the things I have influence on, will not get better when I worry about it.

To let go, I must acknowledge what is bothering me and that stressing over it won't help me. Writing out my problem may help with this.

𝐌𝐲 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐤

☙ The main focus for week 2 will be my physica, mental and emotional gaols:

♡ Physical I follow my weekly work out-plan. I eat healthy. I use my skincare consistantly. I go to bed before 10 pm.

♡ Mental I make time for self love. I plan out my day and follow my plan. I journal daily.

♡ Emotional I do the things that bring me happiness and fulfillment. I write the things that bother me down. I allow myself to feel my emotions fully.

I will accomplice these goals by panning my days around them.

☙ I want to go on a nature walk upcomming week. ☙ I plan out all the work i am supposed to do. ☙ I am productive in school. ☙ I start following my morning & night routines. ☙ I read when I'm bored.

Thank you sososo much for checking in with me, lovelies! ⚝☁ I hopefully see you next week! If you have any tips and/ or encouregement, pease do share. Bye bye ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ♡

[misschf-aisa]

I’m using Tumblr as a journal again, because if I don’t tag it then it won’t get in anyone’s way.

My mother stopped breathing on July 1, 2023. She died sometime between June 23 and 24.

My father and mother and I showed up for her surgery at 9:00 in the morning on the 23rd. She was nervous, we were all a little nervous, but we looked forward to tomorrow when everything would be fixed and she’d begin her recovery.

At 7:00 PM I had to run home and take the dog for a walk. Dad promised he’d call if he heard anything.

At 9:00 PM Dad and I were sitting in the hospital lobby with all the bags Mom had packed full of things to make her week of recovery more comfortable. We kind of looked like we were planning to travel overseas for at least a couple of weeks. We were in the lobby because the surgical recovery folks told us she had a room assigned to her, but the security guard at the desk wouldn’t let us go up to the room until she was there.

Sometime between 10:30 and 11:00 I helped my dad carry the bags up to her room. She wasn’t there yet, but we’d managed to get the surgical ward to talk to the damn security dude and coordinate with the floor she was moving to so we could at least go up there and get situated. I kissed the top of my dad’s head and went home to make the long day up to my dog and my girl who were both waiting to give me all the snuggles I needed.

Next morning I went to see how they were and Mom still hadn’t woken up from the anesthetic. Not really. She looked at me with wild uncomprehending eyes when she woke up for a moment, then she went back to sleep. Dad, who was in the middle of his first round of chemo at the time, was so tired he was just grateful for a pull out sofa bed in her room and the nurses who brought him coffee.

That night I came home again around 7:00 PM, but was called back to the hospital because they believed Mom had had a stroke. She recovered enough that I know she recognized me, and Dad, before the week was over. By the end of the week she was exhausted and finally let go.

I’ve been struggling with how to handle today. I’m glad the emergencies that led up to the surgery last year are over. I’m glad she’s not in pain anymore. I know my life is better today than it was this time last year. It’s a mix of the bitter and the sweet and it’s a mess. I decided to light a candle, thinking I was lighting it to mark the time when she stopped being her and started the long transition to ultimate rest.

But it’s not really a candle for her. I’ve lit dozens of those in the past year. I’ve sent her on her way with tears and laughter more than once. Tonight’s candle is for me, and for my dad, and for my girl, and for my dog, and even for that god damn overly zealous security guard who wouldn’t let an old man and his exhausted 50 year old daughter carry their multiple bags up to the room that had already been assigned. We all worked so hard that day and that night, and the preceding weeks. My candle is to recognize that our work is done, she is at peace, and our main goal of the entire ordeal was accomplished. She isn’t suffering anymore.

[rediscoveringkittycat]

last days of thirty

It is 12:08am on March 25th, 2025.

Tumblr feels like an old friend I forgot about, but I'm so excited to reconnect with! I wonder if this will be a good platform for me all these years later to get things off my mind and to create things that I enjoy. Journaling has always been difficult for me. Making art even more so. I have so many things I need to do that it crowds my brain and gets in the way of things that would actually make my life better.

I think God will help guide me to a place where I can do my day to day responsibilities well and also do things for myself without guilt. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". God is sufficient for all things and I need to remember that He is my focus and my provider. He will provide self discipline and wisdom through drawing closer to Him. I really want to. I want to love God more and know him better. I feels difficult to start when I'm always in a waiting period. I need to rely on Him even to start loving Him more.

I made a new friend recently who I really like! She invited me to her housewarming party soon and I'm really looking forward to it!

I'm always worried about not having a diary for my future kids or grandkids to read or for me to look back on. Like I wish I could revisit how I felt in my teens or early 20's in depth from my perspective back then and not in hindsight. Journaling this way is not tangible so it feels a little less real. Maybe that's why it's easier too. It's not permanent so it doesn't have as much weight. I used to be so precious about my thoughts and words that they didn't seem good enough yet to be immortalized in text for my future self. That shouldn't matter. I needed and need to stop living for my future self's approval and start living in the moment. I've always had a hard time being present and mindful so I think journaling thoughtlessly for journaling's sake alone will be very helpful and cathartic.

I think I'm going to do some productive things that will be good for current me and future me now. Like go make my bed, throw those bags of trash away, and box up my clothes. I should also think about going to bed amongst all these piling tasks after midnight, but we'll see. Sleep before 11pm needs to start being a priority. I'm too old for this lifestyle anymore. I've never felt so old and so ageless it's kind of nice. Catching up to my age is comforting in a weird way. For the first time in my life I feel the age I am.

God's plan for my future is all I need to focus on. Worrying about it is not worth my time when I know He is in control. It's a beautiful gift. He's given me so many beautiful gifts my whole life and I finally can step back and appreciate and acknowledge them. Thank you Lord for all you have done. Thank you my Savior for the life you have given me the unconditional love you show me even though I am not worthy. Please use to do your will. Please help me walk in your path and to follow your words. Please fill me Holy Spirit and use me for your good. I am not my own I am yours. I have been saved from myself. Thank you God Almighty for your mercy. I want to worship you with all I have. Please help me in my journey to grow closer to you. Amen

Talk to you soon,

Kitty

[lapeaudelamemoire]

Okay, spit out thoughts time.

I'm pretty sure I'm having insomnia.

Second night now in a row that I've been tired and unable to go to sleep. Just on my phone staring at Tumblr or other apps, refreshing, scrolling.

Constantly aware of the time.

Not going to work tomorrow either because the receptionist called to ask if I needed another day off to rest, and the mould removal treatment people are coming tomorrow at 7am, and I don't know if they would be done in time, and we've had to move things so that they can do the treatment, which means there will be moving things back later; and I gave and figured that yeah, given all that, I probably should just take the damn day off.

I'm happy and unhappy. I'm happy and grateful for all that is in my life — husband; my job which I love, with a great boss and good work culture, it's supportive and understanding; that I don't have to worry about my next meal and really if I stop the scarcity mindset that I have lots of money in the bank, actually, honestly, just that it's in my other, Singaporean bank account, and not my Australian one here. I have good friends and people who care about me and who ask after me and that I know I can go to if I need help, who reach out to me every now and again.

I'm also incredibly, horribly burnt out. There are so many pressures, expenses that are due; and, again, if I just give up the scarcity mindset and really take a step back, I know it will all be fine in the end, I'm just so used to being hard on myself, making things hard for myself. But there are also real things like the fact that I don't have the capacity to address everything that is coming my way what feels like non-stop — it's a matter of bandwidth. I want some time off and everything feels like it's being asked of me right now. I know I can slow down and yet it doesn't feel like it, and in some ways there are very real deadlines, like the student visa expiry date and the course completion date. Yeah, I can extend those things, but those are the admin things that feel so endlessly coming my way.

There are so many things I want to do and it doesn't feel like I have the time or energy to do it all in one go; and I still haven't quite learned to do things over time because I've always done things all at once and then taken a break. But that's not how adulthood works.

I know the stress is breaking me down because the flares are worse, and now this insomnia. I can feel my shoulders are tense with the build-up and I think the last time I could think clearly was a few months ago; the indecisiveness; the choices I make not always the best, just skirting by; finding it hard to articulate what I want and actually opening my mouth to communicate what I need.

I know I can't put things off indefinitely, and simultaneously I don't know how to get a chunk of time off as an adult, that I feel I need, or want.

Trouble sleeping because there are things I need to put down first, like getting some things off my chest. I used to sleep so well when I used to journal before bed, or at least it feels like that maybe, or maybe I'm making that up. But it's true I can't sleep well when there's so much to do, my mind churning, it keeps me up.

Not sleeping because I needed to write this in the quiet of my own company, before husband came over. The thoughts have gotta go somewhere, pounding out at the door of my mind.

I guess maybe because the nights are when I'm so used to writing myself out. The time it feels quietest. The day has so many feelings and hang-ups of 'productivity' and obligations hung on its every minute; it never feels like mine alone. But the nights belong to oneself, or so it feels, anyhow.

[k10kaneko]

i still find myself overthinking many simple things,

like editing my tumblr posts or my tele messages...

i realize i wasnt thinking right when i wrote what i did last night.

the firefly i loved was never gone, she is just hurt and healing now.

i have been working on myself and learning so much,

even journaling to process my feelings, working out to get dopamine

but putting them into practice seems to be taking a lot of time.

i swing between being stable and aware,

and being depressed, unable to do anything.

i find myself sleeping more once i get to fall asleep, because i see you in my dreams.

i dreamt of us in Spain last night

like a flashback

and i woke up in tears

that was all when i went to bed thinking i was ready to let go and move on with my life too

i had this thought

"it isnt all as complicated as i thought it was really"

i just had to accept that it wasnt me you wanted and there is no point hanging on

but my mind tells me im oversimplifying so i dont have to deal with the difficult thoughts that i truly believed.

and i oversimplified it because i kept being critical of myself for overcomplicating things usually.

my heart doesnt want to budge

my heart somehow still believes that you still have feelings for me, and so it wants to stay in case you need me.

it annoys me, then i realize that im starting to get overcritical with myself again

its like once youre out of my life i can see all these tendencies clearer

and being aware and working on them is one thing,

but when i fall into my spiral it feels like nothing has changed

is it because my heart is weak,

or just that im human

im a human who loves so deeply that my heart would rather not listen to my brain and do everything it can,

even sacrificing parts of itself,

to see if there is a way i could have worked things out with you.

or is it because my heart found so much comfort in you that it cannot accept the truth,

and still believes that what we had broke was fixable,

we are just moving on because it looks hard to fix.

like tea that appeared to be too hot to handle

but it really wasnt that hot after all?

my therapist has been telling me to try not to think about waiting, stop hoping

i know...i fucking know...

but nobody seems to understand

i never loved anyone like this before

someone who,

my dumbass didnt even want to fall into at first

she didnt even do much for me to fall for her

i just fell in love with her very being

her presence, her soul,

and everything else. you never had to worry that i didnt like your looks or anything because i do, i think youre gorgeous.

im just someone who falls for your inner self first

and you do look amazing, even when you think youre not.

all while i wasnt looking for something romantic,

i found someone i realize was the one i was looking for my whole life,

and for you to say the same about me made my heart cling on tight.

it never was because you liked me first,

im a lot more complicated than that.

ive never been loved like this before

in our every conversation

you have left that spark in me that ignited a fire i cannot put out

no matter how hard i try,

i cannot seem to just move on,

im suppressing so much within myself

just so i can get about my day.

i feel like im on the verge of exploding

from holding in me all these feelings i cannot explain nor get rid of.

when i overexplain, its not because i want to annoy you,

i just wanted to do my best to help you understand me,

because nobody put in the effort to do so when i was young.

i learned and i now know how to pace myself and be more conscious on the listener when describing things.

when i shut down instead of fighting or comforting you

its not because i dont want to comfort you,

its because i subconsciously am worried i say anything that you dont like

i cannot help but presume you wouldnt understand how i feel

because that's how ive been treated my whole life, my whole adolescence. nobody listens to me or talks to me, and im alone.

yet,

i dont mean to yap too much to you

i just really like talking to you because you made me feel safe and heard.

i stopped feeling safe communicating with you while i was in Spain because i didnt want to suffocate you.

because i tend to suffocate people.

that was when i started doubting the relationship as well,

but the issue never was us.

we are just two broken people trying our best at love that we never got.

i didnt mean to suffocate you

i just worried that i wasnt good enough for you

i am scared of losing you

i end up holding on too tightly

but i promise i never meant to make things hard for you.

i say things that sound stupid sometimes because i feel like if i dont say anything, you might leave me

i didnt meant to not think through my words

i genuinely care and i want to learn and grow

and it takes time, which just frustrates me and stresses me out even more, because nobody has been patient with me before.

i know it might seem like im not trying to be more assertive

truth is, im learning to be assertive but i am overly conscious about what you might think

i am someone who tries his best to empathize but

i end up becoming someone who focuses too much on the intended outcome because im scared i chase the people closest to me away.

i like the idea of permanence, someone who would stay with me. thats also why i like tattoos so much, and sentimental items rather than useful ones.

i learned that there are things i cannot control and i learned to accept and let go of them. it takes time to put into practice.

i also found it really hard to be assertive or take more initiative when i was so far away from you, and i had my own work to be busy with.

i dont mean to ever make you feel like im not listening because i really like listening to what you say,

i didnt mean to keep coming up with solutions. i was afraid to say something wrong so i shut off my emotional side and become overly rational.

but i learned to empathize better and not speak up straight away.

and i wanted to let you know that i am here for you even if you cant get the words out and just want company to know youre not alone

i thought a lot about the time i spent spiraling before you came over to spain and yea i could have done a lot better...i wasnt able to think clearly at that point and my mind was a mess from losing you.

i tried my best to think about the relationship and how i could tell you how i felt,

all i got was that letter i wrote you.

i also never meant to overcommunicate

i get anxious when we dont talk for too long, and ive learned to self-regulate as a result.

maybe you healed my inner child and thats why it was so comfortable to be with you.

i appreciate you so much for understanding my needs and always showing up for me when you could,

and i appreciate you trying to communicate with me as well. i really do.

im sorry i never was able to think clearly until now.

its like the fog just disappeared, that cloud of anxiety has left.

regardless of the conflict, we never went to bed mad at each other in Spain. and even though some days werent perfect, we ended with llao llao and laughter

everything we did gave me some hope that we could fix what we have lost, and that the best way to learn these lessons was to learn them together.

i want to say i tried my best to work on myself and my independence too,

but i know that in the time apart i didnt manage to do so

i got complacent and relied on the comfort you gave.

so i understand how it got difficult to rely on me as well.

now the only thing that hasnt changed is that i am still here for you.

i know life goes on, and itll get tough but if you ever need someone to open up to,

you can always talk to me because we once were this close.

i learned that you have gone through what i went through as well, and you are avoidant as a result of your experiences growing up too.

i just want to let you know this:

dear familiar stranger

i hope that mentally,

you find it in yourself to take a sip of tea.

because the first sip is the hottest

and it will get less hot subsequently

you may someday find that the time you needed to do so

was there this whole time.

rest assured that i will be here for you

youre always gonna be on my mind

i will be here when you need me,

waiting to share some tea and cookies,

under the starlit sky.

i never communicated all these to you when i know i should have. theyre not as hard as i thought they'd be to say and i dont need a response.

subconsciously i was worried that you would dismiss it and think it doesnt matter, its all over now, because as a child my needs were always dismissed. i learned everything i know today by myself.

but maybe because it is over now that i can finally post these without worrying too much about it.

i know i have to move on

though i realize that doing so meant i stop believing in second chances and i would just be accepting what you said

which i dont accept but im forcing myself to because i want to respect your decision.

i say all that but i dont want to give you up at the same time haha

youre perfect

maybe im just too complicated for anyone,

myself included.

my biggest regret

is not being the best version of me,

while i had a chance with you.

if i had grown up quicker,

maybe we never would have split up.

[maringlechan]

Thurs, Jan 2nd, 2025

Today was a rather simple easy day! I woke up late with Cash and Chopstick kitties next to me.

Started the day off with brekkie/lunch that was leftover Puerta Vallarta from a few days ago. I had one carnitas taco left with some rice. I heated up some refried beans and put some cheese too!

I made the kitties their breakfast and had my brekkie in the room with them.

After brekkie i did a little bit of cleaning! Did the dishes, washed my laundry and took down all the christmas decor in my office room. Ive still got some christmas stuff that needs storage for me to put it in. Lots of extra wrapping paper, tissue paper, boxes and bags.

To not by new storage since I'm a little tight on funds right now since Seven needed a bit of work earlier this week, I found Alanah's old things in the foundation. I brought those upstairs and put all the clothes into donation bags. That cleared out one storage box to use. The other box she had was full of a bunch of stuff from when she was a kid. I'm surprised that we had it here? Sorted through that and found some old clothes as well. So all the clothes are going to get donated and the rest is trash! That left me with 2 boxes to use for storage!

I might as well also start cleaning the foundation little by little since theres so much down there and it's not like I've got much to do since I'm still out of work right now unfortunately.

After that I chilled with some youtube and got ready for the gym. I stopped at target to see if there was a storage box long enough to fit the longest wrapping paper roll i had... and there wasnt TTT.

I started on the treadmill at the gym at 6! and ended up leaving a bit closer to 8pm. Its 11:18pm right now so I'm settling in for the night with my treat of a hot fudge sundae. I left my brownie sundae cup from dairy queen at morgans in the freezer! TT bf hung out with his friend Vinny today while I was at the gym. He said he was on his way home by the time i was sitting down eating my chicken strips and fries.

At the gym i did the treadmill for about 15mins, stretched, and then went to swim for about 15 to 30mins. I'm happy i went to the gym on the second day of the new month/year! I want to really keep track of my progress.

I also hope this month i can have 1 to 2 cosplay outfits, and get my photo printer! Possibly also get the Bali pictures printed out and start finding the stationary to make a cute scrapbook on it :3

Anyways getting ready for bed now! See you tomorrow tumblr journal <3

[lolatalks1]

wed, dec 6 2023

this is my first real journal entry, and i dont think dear diary is fitting to start this. i mean its just tumblr. i started this little blog because i need somewhere to vent, and so here i am. that sounds like my pinned post but its whatever. im not sure why im typing like im talking to someone, so i think i should stop explaining myself.

ive heard its good to write out how you feel, so i think im going to do just that. (im explaining myself again)- today was at first a good day, i woke up relatively early and was able to get ready for school quicker than i do normally- which is a win in my book. i was able to lay in my bed- which i need to wash the sheets of. my dog keeps laying where i sleep, which flares up my bad acne. i cant blame him though, i practically leave my side of the bed in a perfect napping position for him. anyways- i was able to lay down and read a little of this cute story about a single mother and a man in the military being her neighbor! very cute, very cute. then my dad took me and derek around eight o' five, then we got to school, and it was super cold outside. having to stand and wait for the doors to open is not enjoyable- at least i had derek -my cousin- with me. recently ive been a little harsher with him, but i thinks its because ive been a bit on edge with everything as of late. i dont mean to ignore- i think i should start working on that. he already has a lot going on.

continuing, i went to class. first period was tame, i mean nothing too much happened. really essentially a free day. aryeana ? im not sure how to spell her name now that i realize it- but she was there talking with jacob about whatever. sometimes i feel a little outcasted when with them- but i guess thats because im not that much of a conversational person when i cant think of a topic that will be enjoyable for all of us. i mean, i like anime and overwatch- and some more things. all those things they either dont like or make fun of- so theres no middle ground for us to converse on. i mean, only thing i can talk about is boys with ary. but its more so talking about aryeana's endless snaps with multiple guys and shes boasting about it- as well as boasting about her not being able to talk to guys. she is really contradictory. i dont hate or get mad at her though, shes nice to me. and cate is there- she kinda helps me relax. shes just a very nice person and since ive known her for so long i dont feel like i have to be super fake with them.

i think- well i know- my day went downhill when my mom finally replied to my messages. i had texted her about going to cam's surprise birthday dinner on sunday night- and she said yes! but then i asked her about saturday, if i can go shopping with her. i needed to go to barnes and noble to get multiple books that several people wanted for christmas, and maybe the mall to get some other things like candles from bath and body works. but anyways- she then revealed shes not going to be here this saturday- more so this entire weekend.... fun.

i just dont understand how she can just go i mean- i know where shes going- hell the whole family does. its nothing new, but the fact its such a repetitive thing and she always did it around familial times (thanksgiving and now christmas). i really dont get, seriously. and ive come to learn that she goes to some town with a new guy each time. what happened to her being with ron? her last boyfriend- i knew of at least. my nana mentioned she didnt like him because how he treated my mom, so im guessing he was abusive or really shitty. i dont care, and i guess thats a bad thing. i see it as karma now. i use to feel bad, want to console her. but ive lost it. lost that empathy.

anyways, she just makes me so- angry. to the point i can't focus on happier aspects of things because shes simply just so intoxicating with her narcissistic behavior. shes so aware that what she does angers and breaks the family, but she cant find it in herself to realize that its bad. how? im not sure. she didnt have a horrible upbringing nor a traumatic event with my dad. so i cant find a genuine reason behind what she does. its whatever, i keep trying to myself i shouldnt care so much. but i cant help it. it affects my home life, makes me i guess more so depressed? i dont want to self diagnose though. but shes the reason behind my upset outlook for today. hell even started playing class of 2013 by mitski- the lyrics hitting a bit too close to home. so yeah. thats all for now i guess, im not sure how journalling works. i guess ill start learning.

[shoreline-system]

uhh. so. quick follow up to this now i've spend today working thru some feelings and shit. not super comfy w being this open about shit but i think its important on the Off Chance someone stumbles over the tags on the original post, or just for my own future reference.

most of this is paraphrased from a rlly difficult journaling session. I didn't come up with this in a tumblr draft, or without examining a lot of my shitty behaviour in a really uncomfortable way. it sucked! and i wouldn't necessarily recommend it if you don't have some strategy for managing ur feelings in place.

The first thing is, yes. it was Very much past our bed time. I had a lot of big feelings, but i was also just really fucking tired. more tired than i was willing to admit.

the second thing is Yeah. emotional amnesia plays a huge role in me being weird about my relationship. my partner is and has been wonderful for the years we've been together, including about the system, but where things would naturally move out of the honeymoon phase, I'm struggling, because without constant reminders, i literally just forget. I forget that they love me, I forget that I love them. More importantly, I forget why. This doesn't mean the system has stopped caring about them - it just means i'm not aware of it right now. (and i'm very fortunate to have a partner who understands that, frankly.)

The third thing is that them getting a new job is making our anxiety a lot worse. That anxiety is coming Largely from the fourth thing - ✨ Trauma ✨!!

We have a lot of abandonment trauma, a lot of trauma from other, abusive relationships. We're working to make sure we don't put as much of that on our partner, but hey. We aren't perfect, and it creeps in. that's okay, and we're gonna keep working on it.

We had to dig into why them being away bothered us as much as it does, and confront some kinda icky shit about what we Want from relationships that I'm not going to share here. There's a lot of healthy stuff that goes into it, and some not so healthy stuff that now we're more aware of it, we'll begin to work through.

We're making a lot of progress with it, I think. and more importantly, we're feeling much better. Things are still hard, but the more you identify your needs, the more you can address them, and we're getting there.

"we shouldn't be dating anyone" came from feeling like a bad partner, that our emotional amnesia makes us a bad person to be around, but it doesn't, and it's up to our partner (and our friends) to decide whether they want to manage that with us. And we need to trust that they are choosing to do that, that it is worth it, and that they are happy. We are worth the effort to them - they wouldn't be here if we weren't.

Ultimately, it's a lot of stabilisation, a lot of tracing issues back to existing trauma, and a lot of recognising that Perhaps, 11pm is a little late for us to be awake atm, actually.

God, I just feel awful. Will 2 live? Evaporating. Social battery? Dead. Relationship anxiety? Peaked. I don't want to do this shit anymore.

[arrowflier]

Hi I don't have tumblr, so not sure how this works. Came across your blog though, and spent three days just reading everything you've written and reblogged. Such a fun three days! I have so many ideas for prompts, but the one I'm most curious about is what happens when Ian has a rough patch of mania maybe a couple years into their marriage and what kind of plans do Mickey and Ian have for either an upswing or a downswing of his bipolar? Thanks so much excited to see what you come up with!

Hi there! It's such a compliment that you went through my rambles, glad you're enjoying.💖 Standard disclaimer: everything I know about bipolar disorder comes from the internet. It's an important part of Ian that I want to be respectful of, so as always please let me know if I miss the mark.

Caring for your partner, Rule 1: Be There

When Mickey woke up, Ian wasn’t in bed.

That wasn’t terribly unusual in and of itself. What was unusual was that it was only 3AM, on a Saturday, and Mickey could already hear his husband moving outside their room. The footsteps outside the door were soft, restrained, like Ian didn’t want to wake him. But the following clatter in the kitchen was alarmingly loud as Ian opened the drawer under the oven to pull out a pan, and Mickey groaned.

He wanted to roll over, pull a pillow over his head, and block out whatever this was so he could go back to sleep. They’d been working long days, and sometimes longer nights as the dispensaries were all pulling overtime with increasing demand. They’d only made it to bed like two hours ago, for fuck’s sake, and Mickey was tired.

But Ian should have been tired too, and it was never a good sign when he wasn’t. So Mickey sat up with a sigh, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand, and swung his legs out of bed.

He winced when his bare feet touched the cold wooden floor. They had been here for almost a year already, and they still hadn’t gotten ‘round to buying a fucking rug for the bedroom.

Mickey shivered as he hopped awkwardly toward the closed bedroom door, grabbing his robe from a hook there and tugging it on over his thin shirt and the boxers he was pretty sure started out on Ian’s side of the dresser. Wrapping it closed, he slipped out the door and into the brightly lit hallway, squinting blearily as he followed the sound of pots and pans to the kitchen.

Ian had half their crockery out on the counter already. His red hair gleamed under the sharp light of the long fluorescent bulbs overhead as he stirred batter in a large bowl they had borrowed from Debbie last week and never given back, wooden spoon clanking against the sides erratically.

Erratically. That was a good word for it, Mickey thought. The mindless clink clink clink of wood on metal in no discernible pattern, just like the route Ian took around their table, to the counter, to the fridge, and back to the oven again. Mindless, pacing, random.

Mickey leaned against the wall, and watched.

They had talked about this, since the last time. At least, since the last time Mickey had been worried. When Ian was down, when he didn’t want to get up. When Mickey dragged him out on his first run and they talked afterward in the kitchen, when Mickey made clear that his worry was just one more face of what they had together.

He’d come down the next morning to Ian at the kitchen table, the whole place eerily quiet for a place they still shared with too many fucking people. There had been coffee in the pot, toast on the table, and Ian, picking at his cuticles and not meeting Mickey’s eyes.

“We need to talk,” he’d said, and Mickey’s heart had dropped into his stomach.

“Can I wake the fuck up first?” he’d asked, but Ian had just kicked a chair out for him and waited, not meeting his eyes, until Mickey sat down.

They’d sat silently for a long moment, Mickey unwilling to ask what it was about. Finally, Ian had sighed, and reached out for Mickey’s hand across the table.

“It’s about the bipolar,” he’d said, and Mickey had been so relieved he could feel it in his fucking toes, bare and cold against the tile floor.

“Oh. Okay.”

Ian had been startled by his easy acceptance of the topic, he could tell.

“That’s it?” He’d sounded almost confused.

Mickey had shrugged.

“I mean, yeah?” He’d rubbed the rest of the sleep from his eyes with the hand no holding Ian’s. “You had me worried, man, with the we need to talk thing. But this is just normal shit.”

Ian had just stared at him, then released his hand to lean back against his chair.

“Normal?” He’d asked disbelievingly. “There’s nothing normal about planning for my imminent mental break, Mickey.

Mickey had snorted at the irony of it. “You kidding me?” he’d said. “It’s the most normal fucking thing about us.”

As he watched Ian in the kitchen now, making pancakes at 3AM on a Saturday morning, Mickey thought that was probably still true.

“Hey, Martha Stewart,” he said softly from his position against the wall, still leaning there as Ian spun around with surprise painted over his face. His eyes were off, the light not quite there, but they still warmed when he saw Mickey.

“Hey,” Ian said back, voice high and too chipper. “I’m making pancakes, you want some? I’ve got banana, your favorite, and chocolate chips, and strawberries…”

He went on to list more ingredients, but Mickey wasn’t really listening. He could see it all anyway, spread out over the kitchen like so many half-made decisions, half-baked ideas that kept giving way to something else.

“Mickey?” Ian asked, and he snapped out of it.

“Yeah,” he answered with a smile. “Yeah, I’d love some pancakes. Why don’t you let me stir for a awhile?”

—

They had their pancakes standing up next to the counter, nowhere left to rest their plates on the crowded surfaces of the kitchen. Ian talked about the merits of each ingredient as they ate, and Mickey listened, and nodded along as best he could.

This was okay. It was pancakes in their boxers at 3AM with no sleep in a kitchen that looked like it was hit by a tornado, but Ian was eating, and Ian was smiling, and Ian was there.

And when Ian stopped and tried to set his plate down, distress on his face as he was confronted with the mess he had made, Mickey took the dish from him with easy hands.

“You want to sit down awhile?” he tried, nudging Ian gently out of the disaster-zone. “Bet you’re tired after eating all that.”

He knew Ian wasn’t, but he kept a hand on his back anyway until they were out in the living room, next to the sofa. Mickey let go to sit down himself with a groan, tired muscles aching at being used for too long without rest. He kept his eyes off Ian, just standing there, looking at him in that too-present, too-absent way of his, and leaned back against the cushions, eyes falling closed.

After a moment, the sofa dipped as Ian settled in beside him.

“Mickey?” Ian asked. The cushions bounced as he tapped his heel repeatedly on the floor.

“Yeah?” Mickey responded, squinting his eyes back open.

“Can I touch you?”

Mickey repressed the urge to sit up, to take Ian into his arms. Ian sounded too hesitant, a shift from moments before as he playfully shoved bites of overcooked batter into Mickey’s mouth.

But Ian didn’t like to be held like this.

“Of course you can, you moron,” Mickey said instead, and watched as Ian’s leg stopped moving. The other man drew closer, reaching a hand out to card through Mickey’s hair and drag down the side of his face, a touch too shaky and a touch too firm.

Ian had once said that touching Mickey grounded him, and Mickey hadn’t known if Ian thought that was a good thing or not. In the midst of hypomania, Ian didn’t always take kindly to being grounded.

But tonight—well, this morning—it seemed to be a good thing. Mickey was grateful for that.

Grateful, because it meant that Ian looked like himself as he moved to lay against him, and not like some over-saturated facsimile painted with too much water on the canvas, always shifting, always running. Grateful, because it meant that Ian pulled Mickey’s arms around him and settled into his side like they always did, even if his body never quite stilled at the contact.

Grateful, because it meant they wouldn’t fight tonight. That Mickey wouldn’t have to worry as much about what Ian might say, might do, if he stepped out of line. If he went off the script they had planned on a good day for dealing with bad ones to come.

He wouldn’t have to call Lip for backup. He wouldn’t have to tail Ian as he left the apartment to make sure he stayed safe. He wouldn’t have hide the knives, or their wallets, or anything else.

Not that he would have complained if he did. It was what it was. Ian was who he was. And Mickey would always see him through it. Love him through it.

They lay there, mostly quiet, except for the mindless tune Ian hummed against his neck, and the tap tap tap of his fingers on Mickey’s collarbone.

Eventually, the song cut off.

“Do I need to call the doctor?” Ian asked quietly into the echoing room, and Mickey nodded, rubbing a gentle hand through his hair.

“Yeah,” he admitted. “I think so.”

He'd get everything together in the morning. Ian's journals, their schedule, their meal plan. The little notebook where he kept track of Ian's prescriptions, how they worked, how long they lasted.

Something had obviously slipped, either in their methods or in Ian himself. But Mickey was well past dwelling on what they could have done differently, and focused on what to do next.

Things happened. Things changed. They would adapt.

At Mickey's confirmation, Ian just nodded against him, fidgeting until their legs were too entwined to separate.

“Sleep first, if you can,” Mickey told him, settling in for a long rest of the night. “We’ll do it together when you wake up.”

Together. They’d do it together. Again and again and again, as much as they needed to. Because Ian was his husband, and this was their normal.

And their normal was still pretty damn good.