#i need to find other autistics bc i will not survive life if i don’t have at least one other nd person in my life

[shadowsbrainrot]

i need to be able to spot other audhd folks in the wild bc if i have to make friends w another allistic i’m going to commit atrocities upon this earth (no offense allistics i just hate y’all)

[drdemonprince]

Hi Devon,

this might not be a question you can answer, or maybe it is! idk. this is about covid & alike

for context on myself, i’m a white gendrfucky trans guy who’s also autistic & an immigrant (so some cultural context is probably lacking)

as we know, we’re in a 2nd highest surge & the pandemic never stopped and it increasingly dangerous and disabling to so many

i wear my kn95 everywhere i go now, and while i tried last semester, it was a lot easier to abandon masking because of

1. others’ around me negligence

2. some classrooms being IMPOSSIBLY hot and close to unbearable with a respirator on

3. attending crowded events where people needed to hear me

i’ve reevaluated and am rebuilding my practices now, but what i’m finding really difficult is to get people i have in my life to wear a mask again

i feel so lost. i share the informational posts, i talk to my people, i offer masks- what else is there to do?? i know the exhaustion i feel is absolutely incomparable to what disabled and immunocompromised people feel, especially when they’ve done the work for years!

i just don’t understand how i’m supposed to keep moving through life. i mean ofc i’ll keep doing what i’m already doing but it’s so incredibly isolating to be the only person masked in a meeting of 20,30,50 people.

i don’t know how to make people care. i don’t know how to have conversations with my friends in a way that will let our relationship evolve with this new understanding of care. i don’t know how to not polarize people into defensiveness when i talk about the powers wreaking atrocities in falasteen being the same ones shortening an isolation period to 1 day.

i don’t know how to be eloquent enough to be listened to and firm enough where people take what i say seriously. i don’t know how to not start screaming WEAR A MASK anytime it’s a crowded (or even not crowded) meeting indoors with no air filtration.

idk how people don’t realize the “cold” they’ve had for 3 weeks is either covid or direct aftermath of it. idk how they stand for seemingly the right things and then come to work sick & unmasked.

i don’t know how to engage with most people in a meaningful way & find connections because the delusion, the “it won’t happen to me”, the “i don’t care if i catch it and die”, the “this is just the way it is” seems to be a wall made of unbreakable cement and i don’t know what will melt it.

i feel insane for having compassion towards the world and seeing how it can be better. i feel insane for being angry people don’t mask & downplay this issue. i feel insane for even trying to talk sense into people.

i’ve recently been called a lying phony by an account that talks about masking bc a lot of my recent pictures show my face without a mask. i archived the posts since, apologized and reflected. but a lot of pictures i take are in my own room so i am unmasked. idk

i feel like the gap between me and most people i know is growing wider by the minute and with every reading i do about interdependent revolutionary practices, etc.

i know that when one understands something, it is their responsibility to make an impact on their bubble of the world and transform it with their knowledge. but i doubt i’m the only one doing the reading and knowing what’s going on, i just seem to be the only one masking.

i don’t know. i’m sorry it’s such a long ask & i’m sure you have your own stuff you’re dealing with. i just don’t know who else to ask that might understand. i’m sure there are people around me who might but so many are in survival mode and i currently don’t know anyone with the capacity to hold space for this.

i guess it’s bold to assume you do.

anyway, i hope your day goes alright today<3

You are placing wayyy too much responsibility upon yourself as one compassionate and informed individual here, and expecting far too much perfection of yourself in ways that do not help you and do not help the cause. You've done a lot to unpack the terrible individualism that has led to anti-mask sentiment being so rampant, but you are in a way still applying that logic to yourself and your situation by imagining that if you, one humble person with limited power were able to be adequately persuasive, you'd somehow change the actions of thousands. That is not how behavior change works.

Persuasion almost never happens logically or instantly, almost never through one person's remarks. Behavior is shaped by a vast array of economic, sociological, emotional, and ideological factors.

It's also not helpful in my opinion to worry about the opinion of someone who would shame you for not wearing a mask at home alone in your bedroom, either. Obsessing over the optics of our actions and wanting all people to morally approve of us at all times is yet another consequence of individualism and Puritanism. as you well know as someone who masks in a crowd of maskless people, sometimes we gotta do what we know is right and disregard others' opinions.

What you can do, in my opinion, is this: keep masking. Your behavior reminds people of the need for masks and models socially responsible behavior. Bring spare masks with you. Offer them to your family and friends and the people standing near you in public. If they refuse, and you have a good relationship with the person where they have shown they respect you and listen to you, then you can tell them why masking around you is important to you. You cannot change the opinion of someone who has never shown you any respect so don't expect that to ever work.

Even if you do have a good relationship with someone, persuasion is a long, hard process. Do not expect yourself to change their mind. If you can get some people to mask at least around you, that is a victory. Perfection is an unrealistic goal here to expect of yourself, and for public health in general. Any improvement you can inspire is a victory. Even if it's just making one or two friends mask more often when they are with you. That still lessens risk. That still sends a visible signal to everyone around you. You have no idea of the impact you truly have on other people in the long term. It is both more modest and far larger and longer-reaching than you as an individual will ever know.

Please be easy on yourself. You are just a person. An average person with very limited power. So is everyone else for the most part. When you stop burdening yourself with the unrealistic responsibility of changing thousands of people's behavior, you will feel less resentful toward others as well. When we resent other people it always means we are doing too much.

And when you feel less overwhelmed and overburdened, you will be more effective in the conversations you do have with people about COVID too. People do not respond well to (what they perceive to be) guilt or intensity or someone presuming to know better than them. What people do respond to well is to be asked genuine questions, listened to, validated in their feelings, given help where they are facing barriers to action, and being treated with compassionate gentleness.

But to do that you have to work on believing that people who are flawed in their response to COVID have reasons for doing so that make sense to them, and that they aren't all foolish and lacking in compassion. As my friend @kim-from-kansas says, people do not do things that do not make sense. If a person's actions do not make sense to you, it is because you are missing a piece of their context. The sad fact is people have many reasons to think that masking doesn't work or is hopeless. People have been very heavily propagandized and trauma also makes many people value life less.

Convincing people to take COVID more seriously is a tall, tall order, but if you wish to do so, you will need to be more than correct. You will have to put real work into not making people feel judged, and you will have to make peace with not always (or even usually) succeeding. It sucks but that's how it is. Best of luck!!

[ferretzdiary]

Saying I love you to my parents feels so weird. It’s not that I don’t love them- it’s complicated really. I kind of hate them too. They aren’t exactly good people, but they aren’t exactly bad either?

It’s weird to say I love you to people who don’t actually love you. They love the idea of you, what they want of you and expect, and feel the need to love you because you’re their dna, but they don’t love you as you. Other than being white as paper, I’m nearly everything they hate. I’m queer, I’m trans, I’m autistic, I’m alt, I’m a punk, I hate things they worship, I’m a witch, etc. list keeps going.

They don’t like my personality. Over the years I’ve learned I get in trouble with them less if I dull myself down, if everything including my emotions are concealed. This is very difficult for someone who’s autistic, has depression, ptsd, and anxiety that affects my heart; but I have to bottle it of fear if it’s the wrong emotion I’ll get in trouble. Specifically negative ones. Negative ones are usually met with yelling, belittling, scolding, etc. anger. I literally have gotten in trouble for being on high suicide risk. I can’t help that. I wasn’t even honest on most of the questions at the damn hospital because I’m scared of them. When they find out I’m harming myself they get mad at me because I have no reason to be sad, scolding me about how good I have it. I know my life is better than a lot of peoples but that doesn’t make everything magically go away. I don’t understand why they think it does.

Not to mention they’re aware I was raped and beat by my cousin for years. They don’t care, when they found out they said and did nothing, he’s still the family favorite, and the cherry on top is life is going way better for him. He’s got a sweet girlfriend, an apartment, a good paying job, everything. I can’t even get my damn license bc for some reason I’m terrified of cars.

Back to being a faggot; when I was outed (not consensual, I begged not to be because I knew what was to come, I was already struggling to understand what was going on with myself and condemning myself) I came home to being told I’d be hung on our Barb wire fence with allll the other queers if I didn’t by my father (I had just started middle school). No exaggeration. They still tell me I can tell them anything and they don’t care but continue to spit threats, slurs and whatever the fuck else towards the lgbt, a lot of the time it feels aimed at me wether they mean it or not.

I literally have struggled to keep myself together while my heart was giving me trouble because I was so damn terrified they’d be pissed. Unfortunately this is a common occurrence because I literally Tweek out just being in a damn Walmart half the time.

I don’t have friends outside of my phone, the one irl friend I got to see moved to NY, my other one I just never see and is always sick, and everyone else is online. I’d make friends, but my parents kinda prevent that too bc I don’t want them bitching because someone looks a certain way or isn’t white. I literally avoided a black girl I wanted to be friends with because I knew she wouldn’t be safe as my friend. Not to mention I work at my dad’s food truck and other than my house and grandmas that’s all I ever go, I work full time, so how am I meant to even make friends? I’m so isolated, I’m as isolated as I was when my cousin beat me if I talked to other kids, hell I might be MORE isolated now. I’m in a tight box!!

And I’m trapped. I can’t drive, I can hardly cook, I can hardly take care of myself at all, I’m stupid as hell, need help to get through college, etc. I’m stuck. I can’t take this anymore. It’s so fucking hard not to attempt again but I don’t want to let mfs win, I want to survive for my friends, my grandma, and so I can have a future where I die as myself not the stranger I see in the mirror. My self harm has been so bad lately, I keep blanking out and relapsing, I have no one to go to. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I almost wish I could go back to the hospital and dump everything but I’m turning twenty, what can they fuckin do? Not to mention how badly I want to get my bachelors and become a zoologist, I can’t loose my college opportunity.

[hislove4eva24]

I’m really hating life right now. My son is nonverbal and autistic and having a hard time with regression from all the changes going on in his life. I am 32 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and I couldn’t be more excited for my baby girl. Here’s the downside.. my boyfriend and I just learned our daughter has hypoplastic left heart syndrome and will need a series of surgeries to survive and worst case scenario a heart transplant. So we are now a high risk pregnancy one bc of her condition and two bc her condition is causing her to grow slowly. Other than that she is healthy. I am trying to leave my family home bc the support is not there it is just a series of financial abuse that leaves me crippling broke. I stopped paying for my brothers bills and now I have been playing catch up on bills just so I can save and move into my own place on top of what’s going on. Our only car just had a golfball smack the windshield and it’s a $1,000 deductible to go through insurance bc the golf course will not take responsibility or help find the culprit. So stretched thin with money, stretched thin making my son feel loved and have a routine, stretched thin with my own job trying to be a good employee, stretched thin trying to care for my mental health, my baby and just want to give up. But I can’t I don’t have the option. Talking to my partner just makes me feel even more overwhelmed bc he tells me to let him think of the hard things and i just take care of the kids and try to not stress. Makes me feel isolated and lonely. I don’t know what to do anymore… leaning on my friends makes them distant themselves and some of them tell me I should have an abortion, leaning on my family makes them judge and tell me that I’m a bad mother to my son. I feel like I have no one to turn to. My therapist tells me I’m strong and I can do this…being in my family home wanting support makes me wish I didn’t live at home bc all I get is grief… I don’t know what to do anymore… I don’t feel like I can anymore.

[lyricdissonance]

i warned you there’d be weird introspective shit (aka a lengthy summary of the past month of my life for anyone who wants to know bc i’m trying to be more honest and open about my feelings, i don’t know how to tag this but if medical and death discussion would bother you i recommend skipping this. there’s a happy ending though)

on october 22nd, i went to see a band that means a lot to me at a concert i’d been looking forward to for the better part of the past year. the lead singer almost died of a heart attack that night.

i won’t be naming the band in this post, out of not wanting it to show up in some innocent person’s search, but if you really need to know you can dig up my music blog and scroll down. meanwhile i think i can get everything across just fine without names.

i went from the soaring highs of concert adrenaline, to the confusion of knowing something had gone wrong but not knowing what, to the most uncertain and unsettled week of my life as i waited for any kind of update or explanation, to the sudden combination of good news (that he was alive and recovering) and bad news (that what happened had been far more serious than i’d imagined) that left me physically shaking. i was stuck with this huge amount of empathy that my autistic self didn’t know how to process, mental images of both things i saw and things i only read that wouldn’t leave my head, and regret that i hadn’t recognized the signs from behind the barricades and done something, as if there was anything i could have done.

the next three weeks were... an experience. i got constant random waves of anxiety, guilt, and sadness. all my friends and family wanted to know everything about the big vacation i’d just been on, and it hurt to feel like i couldn’t tell them the truth that not everything during it had been beautiful. i started to think every tiny twinge of pain or fatigue in my body was a sign that my own heart was giving out, making me almost have a panic attack at work one day over the fear that i was about to drop dead and my coworkers wouldn’t find me until it was far too late. i didn’t understand why this was affecting me so much: if he survived, then what did i have to worry about? i told myself i was overreacting, making a fool of myself. get a hold of yourself, no one cares about some weird band you like and some weird singer you have a crush on. what kind of obsessive parasocial shit is this?

it took many conversations with both therapist and friends before i could try to be kind to myself and acknowledge the struggle i was having. even now, it’s still a challenge: i kept stopping in the process of writing this post to think “why even say this when all the worst is over?” but i think if i’m going to respect myself and my emotional struggles i have to be open about them when i can be, stop convincing myself that no one cares what i think or what i have to say, let other people know it’s okay if your feelings are huge and complicated and too much to contain, that you’re not alone.

the worst of my feelings are finally fading now. the band let us know he was finally home from the hospital a day short of four weeks after the show. not just home, but apparently improving at a remarkable rate too. it was the first time in those four weeks that i found myself feeling hope again. i’ve said it before but in hindsight the whole past month feels like a dream, a total blur of emotion that seemed to last both a day and a year. all because i loved a band’s music so much that i flew across an ocean to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. all because i loved a band’s music so much that i couldn’t stand the thought of losing them.

my therapist asked me last week if i thought i’d learned anything from this experience. i’m still not sure what i’d answer her. but i learned that life is unpredictable, i learned that asking for help is worth it, i learned that there’s more love in my heart than i know how to handle sometimes, i learned that we’re all stronger than we think we are. and because i don’t know how else to end this, i ended up telling the band over instagram dm about the tattoo i got in their honor before i left norway, when i was still lost in doubts begging the universe to make sure he was okay. i think a part of me thought it would be a good luck charm. it’s based on some of their lyrics, it’s not much but it’s a small, simple drawing of a crescent moon over a rooftop. i don’t know for sure who answered that dm, but they did so last week with a “this is amazing! thank you so much” and a heart. in my mind i’ve framed that message on the wall

[jamb-oree]

I posted 116 times in 2021

6 posts created (5%)

110 posts reblogged (95%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 18.3 posts.

I added 22 tags in 2021

#i love this - 4 posts

#supernatural - 4 posts

#please😭 - 2 posts

#spencer reid - 2 posts

#criminal minds - 2 posts

#anyways - 2 posts

#autistic spencer reid - 2 posts

#fob - 2 posts

#poor spence :(((( - 1 posts

#anyways- destiel is cannon and has always been cannon and this is proof - 1 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#i’m a mess and idk how i’m passing all of my classes except for apush (i know why i’m failing that one) (spoiler alert: the teacher sucks)

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Hello my spicy lil amigo

hello! i’m gonna assume this is em since, well, shes the only one who has permission to call me spicy😂

0 notes • Posted 2021-02-06 03:00:06 GMT

#4

Did something make you smile today?! 🦆

yes, actually! one of my friends who i don’t get to see often was able to spend his open period with me during the class i was supposed to have chemistry. he picked me up and gave me all the hugs and it made a very tough day suddenly a good one and i love him for it.

thank you for asking, lil duck!

0 notes • Posted 2021-02-04 03:48:09 GMT

#3

alrighty, here it is

a sneak peek of my rewrite of the supernatural finale (:

it’s just a little bit, but it should be on AO3 soon and i’ll post it here as well!

also please don’t take this bc this is my hard work and i don’t want to see this ending up anywhere else

5 notes • Posted 2021-01-06 02:31:43 GMT

#2

i’ve seen so many people doing this and i have about 10 minutes until new year so fuck it i’m doing it

thank you to all the blogs who have made my 2020 fantastic

here’s a special thank you to a few of the blogs who have helped me survive 2020

@ablogofthecriminalmindsvariety I LOVE YOU EM THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU’VE DONE FOR ME THIS YEAR you’re literally my rock on this app and your blog makes my day. your writing is 100/10 and i love all your headcanons bc they’re just *chefs kiss*. thank you for putting up with my constant spam of posts and thank you for cheering me up and listening to me when i ramble about my hyperfixations. i appreciate the fuck outta you, thank you so much.

@penemily rose you’re literally amazing, your blog is essentially my news feed in the way of criminal minds posts. your content has gotten me through this shitshow of a year and your spencer hotchner and hotchner fam AUs give me life so thank you so much. and angels? i don’t have words for how good it is. i didn’t know i needed it until you gave it to us and oh man, did i need it. thank you <3

@whump-town i love your content- like always makes my day. your writing? amazing. your ideas? they kill me they’re literally so goddamn good. your angsty hotchniss fics? flawless. literally everything about your blog makes me so happy so thank you for posting content for us all

@abitcriminalminds literally your content is amazing- yas i love your content so thank you for posing. your incorrect criminal minds quotes posts are one of the best thing to have happened to me on this app and they just always make me laugh. they even make my brother laugh and he hasn’t really watched the show

thank you to all of you guys. i love you all. thank you <<3

11 notes • Posted 2021-01-01 05:56:22 GMT

#1

here’s some transnatural week content! Sam, Dean, and Cas (:

i added some other flag details in some slightly hidden places so find them and lmk!

(my friend did the sketch and i added the colors and the words, but they wish to remain anonymous so we are posting it from my account! they wish it to be known that this is their drawing entirely and any similarities to any other work is either purely coincidental or their own work previously posted)

@transnaturalweek day one: team free will

95 notes • Posted 2021-06-23 14:00:29 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[your-turn-to-role]

I was thinking about that scene in cr1 e94 where vex is meditating trying to connect to Pelor as part of the grey hunt and finding it really difficult and I think Matt even mentions Vex is someone who needs a lot of sensory input so I was wondering if you had any thoughts on Adhd vex

so im rewatching this scene now and oh man vex is, as ever, the biggest fucking mood

like she hadn’t been initially on my list of nd headcanons bc she doesn’t outwardly show it a lot but then i remember she’s the character in cr i relate to the most and i probably don’t outwardly show it a lot either, because fun thing about being a girl as well as neurodivergent is you get really good at hiding that shit! i can mimic a neurotypical person perfectly because i spent most of my childhood learning how to do that but goddamn is it fucking exhausting

but yeah, vax is very obviously adhd, so his twin definitely can be too!

adhd vex proof:

yes yes yes sensory input!! you’re right in that matt mentions it in this episode, she’s someone who needs a lot of external stimuli, she’s more drawn towards chaos than calm. which like, a lot of us can relate to, because when your brain is constantly working at a hundred miles an hour, the chaos makes you feel a lot more relaxed than the calm, where you’re always on edge. good trait for adventurers to have, honestly, which is probably a reason it’s less obvious in vex to begin with - she has that outlet for it. as much as she was really concerned with fitting in in syngorn, i imagine teenage her had a lot more of a problem staying still

defines herself a LOT by other people’s standards - this is both a trait of any kid who doesn’t fit in (which is true both bc adhd and because half elf), but also that rejection sensitivity makes it a very appealing thing to do - having people disapprove of you in any way, even mildly, makes it feel like the world just shattered in front of your eyes, so trying to make yourself what they want you to be is just the smart response

you know that thing, when you were a kid, and people used to use “you’ve got a big day tomorrow!” or “the quicker you go to sleep, the quicker you get to [exciting thing]” as motivation to sleep? or you saw people on tv experiencing that? and apparently for them it works?? whereas for you the only way to sleep is to not be excited about tomorrow, because your brain doesn’t process time the same way so you can’t process sleep as coming before the exciting thing, the exciting thing has to be Right Now and if we go to sleep we don’t do Exciting Thing and entire brain is focused on that thing now oh fuck looks like i accidentally stayed up until 4am

that’s the entire vibe i get from the sun tree scene

like vex manages to stay down there a really long time but only while actively trying to get a vision, and when that doesn’t work she switches tactics, she’s not thinking “eventually a vision will happen”, she’s thinking “how do i think hard enough that the vision happens now”

(and also how easily her mind wanders despite that)

when this doesn’t work she starts complaining to trinket how they’ve been down there for days (it’s been maybe 10 hours) and they’re going to be stuck there forever (she can leave whenever she wants, but she really cares about this thing so she’s not going to) and mood

i’ve mentioned this before, but vex... really does have a lot of empathy. and i don’t know if that’s more of an autistic thing or adhd thing bc there’s a lot of crossover and i don’t always remember which me things are which nd things but hyper empathy is a thing for at least one of them! and like, she does so much burying of it, because it’s a survival mechanism and she had a really rough childhood, she’s got about 500 emotional walls up at any given moment. but once you realise that she only really gets snippy and pretends like she doesn’t care in situations where she feels unsafe, she cares so much

fairly resistant to change? adhd isn’t as routine oriented as autism is, but big life changes are still things that can get completely overwhelming, and vex definitely doesn’t want to deal with those. a life on the road, that doesn’t count as change to her, that’s her routine, but settling down with percy? that’s terrifying

literally in this episode part of her internal monologue is “what are you gonna do, stay here??”, she loves percy, but she doesn’t want her adventuring life to change, because then she has to figure out how to navigate a new life (and honestly, that takes her a while, even in their epilogue they mention percy and vex still do the adventuring thing a lot, they never plan to retire, bc that’s life for them)

vax is the other big constant in her life that she needs to stay constant, she doesn’t want him to get into a relationship with keyleth bc she’s scared it’ll make things between them change, and even once she’s gotten over that, she ignores vax’s attempts to tell her he wants to move to zephrah several times, because she can’t really handle the idea that things might change between them that much, can’t deal with a life where he’s not living in the same place as her

as much as she does try to fit in, she also prefers to live in the forest and her best friend is a bear. tell me that’s not just a constant nd mood

[cynicalrainbows]

Thoughts on The Wilds so far

@shut-up-heather-d and I just finished episode 6 and so far, my thoughts are as follows:

Toni’s absolutely heartfelt berating of Shelby when Martha collapsed was so utterly pure and heartbreaking that I’ve stopped hoping that the others eat her first. The absolute sincerity of her ‘she’s a good person and she cares about people and people care about her, why the fuck did you give the pill to me, I don’t matter-’ broke me, and my god, it put her jealousy of Shelby in a whole new light because it’s becoming increasingly clear that Toni would throw herself under a fucking bus for Martha, without a second of hesitation, and so feeling that she was losing Martha must have been painful.

On that note, Martha holding Toni in her lap and singing a rap song to her was painfully cute.

Nora and Rachel continue to have my whole heart: after seeing them fight in the early couple of eps, having them be close again is really really lovely. Like, Rachel crying because she blames herself for everyone having food poisoning? And you can see it hit her so much harder because she was so PROUD that her diving had been useful, like ‘Fuck you all, I AM good at something-’.....only to have it ruined when everyone got sick? Just another reminder that god, she can’t even do diving properly. Also Nora telling Rachel to blame her- at first look, I thought she was just trying to make Rachel feel better...but what if she really DOES blame herself and isn’t talking about it much?

Nora hunching up and covering her ears when anybody shouts or gets angry.....she is such a cinnamon roll who must be protected! Also her ‘I thought you might need a dirty Christmas joke in your life-’....she’s so nice and so sweet and so unexpectedly funny! I don’t know if she’s meant to be autistic coded but in my head she absolutely is and it’s excellent.

The girls all talking about sex! And not just sex but lesbian sex! Very refreshing. And everybody sort of flinching away from Shelby when she did her little speech...I really hope Shelby comes to terms with herself soon because she is obviously so repressed.

Dot is the unexpected Mom friend that we all need in our lives and I love it so much. Like on first glance she’s the last one you’d expect to be the Mom friend and caregiver but.....she just is. Like i want to apologise to her for finding her so obnoxious in the plane scene because like her goodness just shines through right after, right from when she goes and tries to awkwardly comfort Fatin.

Speaking of which- Fatin! I’m so proud of her as a character- seeing how she’s growing on the island and how clever she is and how much she’s moved on from being the one who refuses to lift a finger is just amazing. It’s sad also bc you know her parents wont appreciate her....but it’s ok, the other girls will be proud of her instead. Like her taking care of Toni and her ‘swallow bitch’ while she tenderly cradles her head....I love it. Also her and Dot being unexpectedly friends is very pleasing.

Leah continues to baffle me: why does she even exist? She is extremely boring and pointless and I cannot believe she gets two flashback scenes when Nora and martha haven’t even had one yet. Sick of her boring straight whinging- as much as I like the confronting of ‘romantic older guy’ cliche, they could have done it in a quarter of the time.

I love how awkward and cute Martha is, and I especially love her disbeliving little ‘No!’ when Toni said that Shelby was homophobic because she just couldn’t believe it of her. 

Seeing the girls actually collect food and water and wood and put effort into surviving made me happy.

The scenes in the psychiatric hospital were quite unpleasant to watch but I’m happy to assure everyone (UK followers at least!) that they’re not actually like that, at least the wards that I have seen. They do not just casually jab you two seconds after starting to shout.

If Martha and Nora die, I will kill the writers.

[sureuncertainty]

6, 8, & 20 for the ask game? :^)

aw hell yeah thanks!

(this got super long so i’m going back and making it more ADHD accessible sorry y’all)

6. What character do you have the most fun writing? 

Hhhh this one is so hard because I love writing everyone??? So it’s close, and changes depending on the day and my mood, but I’m gonna go with Kat, I’ve been really enjoying writing her lately, and I’m SO excited to write her more in my sequel.

Also as of now, Nyx is the least fun lol, their chapters keep giving me aggravation since they just. don’t think/talk like me at all, and it’s really hard compared to Avery’s chapters which just flow so easily (and end up ten times too long whoops)

8. Is what you like to write the same as what you like to read? 

Yeah pretty much although I haven’t found anything really much like The Silence Agenda, but I do like to read a lot of thrillers/mysteries and queer romance! I also read a lot of YA which makes sense since Sure Uncertainty is also a thing so overall yeah! I try to specifically seek out books that are similar to my writing so that I can be inspired! (and like. i write what I wanna read so)

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

OH MAN SO MUCH.

let’s see... I’m including Sure Uncertainty Easter eggs in this draft of Silence Agenda which is really fun, but they’re like. deep lore lol. like for example, Avery’s supervisor at the library they work at on campus is named Mrs. Durham, and Durham was one of Emma’s old surnames i tried out before settling on Alldridge. I changed it though so most people wouldn’t get it. but i lOVE the idea of finding subtle stuff like that to tie my stories together, even ones that take place in totally different universes. 

also like. idk i feel like themes of identity have been emerging a lot more in this draft of Silence Agenda, specifically with Nyx and figuring out who they are, how they feel like they’re barely a person bc they’ve spent so much of their life just trying to survive, and especially at the ending, they don’t know how to move on because they don’t even know like... what they like???

like there’s this scene where Avery asks them about their favorite music/books/movies and they just draw a total blank because they don’t know?? they’ve never even had the luxury to figure that stuff out, so they’re trying to figure out what kind of a person they are, and it’s cool bc i feel like I’VE been figuring them out alongside them. ngl they were a really simplistic character when I created them, and they’re STILL one of the hardest characters to write/flesh out because I’m still getting to know them, even now. which is weird since they’ve always been a protagonist but it’s true

also like. can we just talk for two seconds about the way that Nyx and Kat are two sides of the same coin and how that’s going to be explored in the sequel because oh my god i could write for hours about that and i’m so excited to look at it. they basically just both deal with the same trauma in very very different ways, and I’m so excited to explore that and how they clash but then ultimately help each other heal in the second book (and third) and figure out how to communicate with each other.

idk communication is also just such a theme. it’s ALSO really interesting how my own experiences have so clearly shaped this draft, specifically in relation to drafts before it. like. idk after i was in a really unhealthy abusive housemate situation with people who did NOT fucking know how to communicate like regular people, it became even more of a big thing for Nyx and Avery. Because before they can move into anywhere even close to being together (romantically or not, the story is about their emotional growth and closeness)  they have to figure out how to communicate with each other. and they have these barriers (a lot of them informed by their neurodivergencies since they’re both autistic and Avery has ADHD) to communication bc of competing access needs and stuff (i.e. Nyx needs their space to be clean or they can’t think well, and they get anxious and stressed, but Avery can’t always clean bc of their executive dysfunction and the other stress in THEIR life). and that’s all such a reflection with my own communication barriers to people in my life and yes, a reflection of my relationship with my amazing partner @drama-dick who i’ve been able to like. figure that out with.

there’s just something so intimate about someone taking intentional steps and work towards figuring out how to communicate with someone, and how to understand them and where they’re coming from. ESPECIALLY from two people who have spent a long time on their own, who have both felt abandoned and rejected and alone (also hi again projection), and have decided just not to trust other people or even TRY to invest in relationships. for Avery it’s because they’re afraid of getting hurt again and for Nyx it’s because they’re afraid of hurting someone again (even unintentionally) but for both of them it’s bc they see themselves as intrinsically unworthy of love and that’s something that even just them being in a relationship by the end of the book can’t be a magic fix to. which is why i’m SOOO excited to explore them being together in the second two books, and how they continue to help each other grow (and how other people in their lives help them as well!!!)

okay that got super long i am so sorry. tl;dr - communication as a theme with Nyx and Avery relevant to my own experiences is really fucking cool. also identity as a theme with Nyx specifically and how Nyx and Kat are two sides of the same coin. all cool stuff

[mikenewtonhateblog]

My oc’s aka too long of a gd post

The “BL” Crew (does not stand for boys love I’m just a moron who made that abbreviation before knowing what it stands for). My main crew and main series, a lot is a big WIP right now as I’m slowly redoing the first book and all the lore. Why? I love torture. Book is fantasy type but I won’t specify what.

Lacie, the protagonist. God tier idiot, bisexual bipolar depressed MESS, insomniac, former theater kid, doesn’t know what she wants out of life but currently it is not This(plot of book). Hot headed, impulsive, crude, rude, Mommy IssuesTM, would rather be taking a nap right now, rules are made to be broken, absolutely fucking FERAL, more bags under her eyes than the airport lost and found. 5’5, 130lbs, Aries, age 18, white as shit like literally the whitest human you have ever seen, strawberry blonde hair in a 2011 Hayley Willaims haircut with long bangs, the darkest brown eyes you’ve ever seen that stare directly into your soul. Lanky, no curves, body of a 12 year old boy but works out so she can and will kick your ass and thats a threat. Not human?

Josh. Soft boy, smart, Lacie’s cousin and only friend for like the first 18 years of her life, autistic anxious mess who’s special interest is anchient egyptian history, is in honors classes, despises math, passes out when his girlfriend looks too cute, just needs a hug. Can eat a whole carton of easy mac if left alone, whole wardobe is the same outfit just different colors/hoodies, sensory issues, seriously can someone give this guy a hug. 5’9, 150lbs, Pisces, age 18, mixed (half whatever flavor of white Lacie’s family is [they don’t even know its just some scandanavian shit and irish], and half mexican on his mom’s side), medium olive skin with freckles and moles, dark chocolate brown hair that’s a bit of a 2009 Beiber cut, warm brown eyes, not beefy, a lil thicc and self concious about it but squishy boys are GOOD. Gets bit by a werewolf so now he is one his mood on it is “thats a lot to unpack but let’s just throw the whole suitcase away”.

Zander. There is not one braincell in this man, himbo KING, pansexual dumbass with undiagnosed ADHD, no impulse control, head empty and full at the same time, PTSD, his fashion sense should be an actual crime, gets in fights to feel something, basic requirements for him to be attracted to you: kick his ass. Drinks his respect women juice, sees a folding table and must immediately launch himself on it, chaotic, cannot drive a car and will not, food aggression and eats enough for 3 people but never gains weight which is ILLEGAL, him and Lacie may be a couple.....but in this house we stan slow burn, he talks in caps and every sentence either ends with a question mark or exclaimation point, likes romcoms. 6’2, 190lbs, Sagittarius, age 19, austrailian roots and has the accent but is from [REDACTED FOR STORY REASONS], white, dorito shaped with long legs, blueish black hair that’s long and messy, dark navy eyes that match his hair, bigass neck scar from [REDACTED]. Not human

Peter. Gay dad friend who is TIRED of having to be in charge of a bunch of teenagers, only one with full functioning braincells, lowkey a genius who loves engineering, mixes magical technology with human technology because he likes to play god, is he ever sober? No one knows, will kill for a bottle of single malt, his fashion sense? Tastefully expensive suits perfectly tailored. Likes building his own weapons that no one else knows how to even use, generally non-threatening but can get scary if needed. 6’4, 140lbs string bean man, Scorpio, age 179 but looks early 30s, I know I said Lacie is the whitest human but he’s even paler like a literal sheet of paper with scandanavian roots/ancestors were vikings or some shit, blonde hair styled like 2013 Brendon Urie lmfao, light crystal blue eyes. He’s a vampire and was born one.

Danielle. Tiny, sweet, queen of girls supporting girls, comments on all her friends instagram posts with 20 emojis, LOVES fashion and has a wardrobe that would make anyone jealous, oozes feminine energy, only child and parents are in love still, gets exactly 8 hours of sleep each night and wakes up looking like a disney princess. Just because she is small and cute doesn’t mean you should underestimate her she WILL fuck your shit up. Quiet when angey which is terrifying. Josh is her bf and she loves him so much but also loves teashing the shit out of him. Legally cannot cuss, polite, used her high heels as a weapon once, speaks like 5 languages because studying them is her hobby, gardens, hugs everyone. 5’0, 110, Taurus, age 18, mixed (half french-american, half Korean-american), glowy skin always, PETITE frame aka the friend everyone can pick up when they hug, long past her waist curly brown hair, bright green eyes. She’s not fully human as she has fae blood in her and this gives her the ability to talk to and control plants. Flower crowns for everyone

Becca. Theater kid who would die to sing in Wicked and has the vocal range to do so, cannot wait to graduate and go to her dream college which she got into and a scholarship, closeted lesbian bc her whole giant family is extremely catholic and she feels like not dealing with it, “no boys allowed in bedroom” rule is her favorite joke, chill, middle child of 5 siblings and just wants some peace and quiet for ONCE. Her fashion sense is “I’m dropping subtle hints I’m gay but only to other gays”, has a black belt and took self defense classes. 5’6, 145lbs, Virgo, age 18, Latina (cuban and mexican mix), darker brown skin with light freckles over her nose, athletic build, eyebrows on POINT, bright caramel eyes, short light brown hair cut in a bob, has a tiny nose stud, always wears a blue friendship bracelet her gf made her. Human

Anika. Calling her a bitch/slut is a compliment, bisexual, a bit of a mean girl but she grows out of it give her time!!! Is always Too Much, the horny friend, favorite color is red so thats almost all of her outfits, loves to show off her body as much as she can because she’s hot and knows it and thrives in her own confidence. Her mom is literally like Regina George’s mom from Mean Girls but married a rich man 20 years older than her, Anika doesn’t know her bio dad but thats fine neither does her mom and her step dad is nice and does his best to be a dad. Becca’s gf, always hanging out at her home so Becca can get some quiet because Anika’s an only child and has a pool. 5’9, 135lbs, Gemini, age 18, white, long layered dark reddish brown hair, teal-blue eyes, swimmers body type (I normally do not mention bust size but she would want the internet to know she was blessed with big bahoogles so there you go), can sprint in heels. Half mermaid (boy was that a surprise considering her mom doesn’t know who her father is LOL)

Rex. Nb uses they/them he/him pronouns but honestly will respond to any, goth lite, only attracted to men and ace, can read minds so knows all your secrets, mischevious little shit, great friends with Zander and enjoys his dumbass thoughts and that he’s basically a human version of Jackass, wears too many rings, goth boots for kicking and fashion babey, always has the freshest memes and will not hesitate to roast in the group chat, hangs with the girls most of the time. Chaos god who loves making art, be gay do crime, skateboard and spraypaint. 5’8”, 165lbs, Leo, age 18, Native American, masculine frame, dark brown skin, blue eyes, firetruck red shoulder length hair that’s usually in a ponytail, knock-off gucci sunglasses just for judging their friends. Has magic in their blood so not entirely human and can cast spells and shit (don’t roast me its a wip and I’m doing my research)

Sam. Boho goddess, aromantic, makeup and nails are always instagram worthy, quiet and stoic type but losens up around close friends, Rex is her best friend, has some trauma and doesn’t want to talk about it, emotionally numbed out a bit and wants to purely vibe. Has seen some of the worst parts of humanity and wishes she hadn’t, finds no point in being bitter or resentful though because that won’t change anything, loves cats and once she moves out shes adopting one or three. Has wine aunt energy. 5’4, 200lbs PLUS SIZE QUEEN, Scorpio, age 18, Filipino (her parents are immigrants fun fact!), really olive skin sometimes has a grey/green tinge to it, dark brown almost black shoulder length hair, gold-hazel eyes. Sam’s the victim of a family curse that requires her to consume human hearts to survive, she can transform into a pretty scary looking being and uses this curse to hunt down pedoph*les, r*pists, murderers, and abusers. The less often she feeds the less human she looks, hence the constant grey/green tinge to her skin. 

Andy. Baby of the group, must be protected at all costs, 100% didn’t sign up to be in a friendgroup of 90% monsters but highkey loves it, trans, bi, anxiety MAXED, just wants to draw comics and cosplay spiderman, has to babysit his two younger sisters a lot because his parents are....not great, and as a result now knows all the lines to Tangled and The Little Mermaid. Big nerd energy, has to draw on everything including homework, gets inspiration for comics from his friends, awkward and socially anxious, drinks way too much tea and will accidentally steal your pens. Fears include: crowds, thunder, tall angry men, tiny spaces. Just trying his best. 5’2, 100lbs BEANPOLE BOY, Leo, age 16, white (irish and scottish roots), freckles absolutely EVERYWHERE, orangey red hair thats in desperate need of a haircut, chocolate brown eyes, braces, chronic nail biter. Human and kinda wishes he wasn’t.

That’s it for now if you read all this bless u thank u here is my whole heart. Please no discourse, literally these are fictional people I’ll never publish the books they go to.

[bigeyedchangelingchild]

I have so many feels about this pandemic, but the biggest one is feeling like I’m an uncaring asshole.

Overall, I just can’t really conceive of it, everything is just too abstracted for me to feel like it’s /real/. If that makes any sense at all.

Also, the disruption to my life has been pretty extreme so I feel like more than average I’m really affected by not the virus but the fallout. There was the housing situation that was a direct result of the pandemic, (it’s fixed now, and my current apartment is lovely and my landlord is a doctor and I’m so glad it’s been dealt with.) There’s been the school situation, and I don’t mean the regular it’s been shut, I mean I’m on an exchange, and my home university has been freaking out that I haven’t gone home when there had been 0 way for me to do that without risking my credits. Also, my health insurance won’t work if I enter a country with a no non-essential travel, which is currently every country, so if I leave the country I am in (it’s still valid because I entered before the warning) I will lose my insurance, and all flights to Canada involve an overnight stop in Europe. Also, the country I’m in is less affected than Canada or Ireland, it’s starting to hit here now, but I have an apartment I can self-isolate in, getting on a plan is just a bad idea right now, and my mum agrees but the school doesn’t like it, because I’m their responsibility until I’m home. 

And then there’s the whole “panic buying” thing.

So, I’ve just moved, I’ve had to buy a bunch of things, pretty much everything, including a pot, because apparently that’s not included, there was a stove but nothing to actually use on it (and it’s induction so there’s only some cookware that I can even use on it.) 

In my opinion, everyone, where I live right now, should have a 1-week long emergency preparedness kit. And everyone everywhere should have a kit. But as I’m currently on a fault line, a kit becomes more important. I haven’t been able to have that kit, living out of a suitcase, but now I’m building it up. 

I am in communication mostly with other university students, who are from seismically inactive areas of Europe. We had an earthquake near the beginning of the term, I didn’t think it was that bad, I heard the metal coat hangers clang in my room but didn’t feel it really, The other students do live closer to the epicentre, but it still wasn’t a worrisome earthquake, but the other students freaked out about it, and many of them commented it was their first earthquake.

So as much as I understand people should not buy things in excess, and to be honest people shouldn’t need a global pandemic to realize they should have things on hand in case of emergency. If you could not survive for 2 weeks without leaving the house, you need to change that, now. The reality is most people I know couldn’t handle a few days without leaving the house. Europeans don’t shop like North Americans, they don’t have large freezers and fridges and it’s very common for them to go to the grocery daily, or nearly daily. I still don’t entirely understand how, I would not have the energy, but it’s what they do. This is not a good way to handle yourself in a pandemic. It’s not panic to say you should try to go to the grocery store less often, which means getting more stuff each time, and also learning how to plan meals further ahead, learning how to properly preserve foods.

I just, if anyone mentions changing the way people buy food, it becomes a discussion of panic buying, and we don’t want to be those people when the way people deal with food here is not sustainable in the case of a pandemic.

I grew up expecting a 9.0 earthquake, knowing that I would be outside, and without help for up to a week. I have grown up with a small tissue box emergency kit on my school desk with an emergency blanket, medication, and medical supplies. I have grown up with a duffel bag in my front hall closet packed with food & water rations for a week for my entire family. And my dad’s place has a month’s worth of food at all times because if the ferry stops sailing, especially if it’s winter, there’s not going to be much access to anything. 

This isn’t doomsday preppers, it’s not going to last the rest of my life, but it’s knowing what infrastructure is in place and what types of failure I should be prepared for.

But now I don’t know I feel judged on the one hand, and on the other hand, I feel extremely upset that people didn’t have things prepared, and that any attempt of becoming prepared is criticized for panic buying. 

I feel like this whole rant is me justifying spending over ₺300 at the grocery store. But I just I don’t feel this is that different from people getting a measles shot because of a measles outbreak in their area like you should’ve already done it if possible, but also these things are things that need to be done.

If you end up quarantined, you need to eat, the best option is to have that prepared. You should have already had that, but like I can be upset on a nebulous level for the shortages, and I can be mad at people doing things like trying to resell and price gouge, but I cannot be upset at regular people ensuring they will have enough for a quarantine outside of being upset that it takes a pandemic for people to do that. (I don’t blame individuals who didn’t have one to be clear, I blame the system for not giving us adequate education on emergency preparedness, particularly in Europe. The quantity and quality of information for emergency situations is hugely better in BC than in Ireland, and it could be improved in BC too.)

See too many feels. and also I’ve always had a really cavalier attitude towards death or at least that’s how it presents, but things like this are what makes it obvious to others, which makes me feel even more like an uncaring asshole. But it’s just I don’t know how to feel or react how other people do, it’s just not possible for me like death is just it has always been really present in my life and the religious beliefs I was raised in really emphasized the idea of cycles and that life and death cannot be without each other, so I find it really hard to conceptualize it in the more finalistic tragic sense. And also being autistic makes it hard, in general, to perform emotions as people expect them. 

[melblogsgfreethruptsd]

*tw

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*suicidal thoughts

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Shit hit the fan, so fast my head spun.

I was watching the evening news, I have some vested interest in the severity of Covid19, on a level where I like to find solace in knowledge.

Most info I get from Twitter or Reddit though, bc mainstream is obviously more hype and bias.

But DH paused it just to start a coversation about how it’s not even that serious (he’s a big “it’s the flu” believer, things are going to crap for nothing subscriber). Even though he KNOWS I am irritated by the blasé opinioned people.

The “convo” devolves into debate, which devolves into all kinds of things I’m just getting too tired to explain. It’s been an hour. Then the topic steers into what’s next for our military life. See DH got stop lossed. All military plans are locked down now. So the school he was supposed to fly out to TOMORROW got cancelled. Our whole life schedule got put on hold bc were are going to PCS move this year. It involves selling our house, and moving me and kids to Michigan, before ultimately moving to our new duty station at another state which ISNT EVEN 100% KNOWN YET. Stressful, even without a pandemic going on.

Turns out, I think DH spun the whole debate into a rant about being upset about the interruption of what he had to do for his career. But he started dragging me and our relationship. Good Lord I hate when he does this. We are no longer talking about the topic at hand. Now it’s about how crappy our relationship is and I don’t support him... God what have I been doing the last 15 years, having kids with him, fk me /s. His entire career, I just follow his lead, Army life, all the twists and turns, a deployment, all the months he’d be gone, not complaining, while surviving my own personal mental and health crisis. Everything I did for my autistic son, and all the years DH praised me for putting in the therapy, meetings, and paperwork. Funny now it just pisses out the window in one Fkn day.

It’s so bad, I’m just crying, tired, and upset. It’s been 2 hours now. No one has had dinner, I have a 13 month old to take care of still, who has a routine. I told DH, no don’t take the conversation into how awful our relationship is bc that’s not even where we started talking. But it ended up there anyway. My mind is blown. What even is my life, my purpose? Wtf just happened? I’m still hungry but I don’t want to be around him in the kitchen so I go upstairs and put laundry away (I don’t rage clean, I guess I distress clean). DH passes through and says “you can sleep on the other bed tonight.” WTF. So then I’m in the closet and putting away a long chain belt. And I think what if I just hang myself? The emotional intensity is so great, but that sliver of rational mind is still there. I remember I just ordered clothes online, and I think “they can bury me in the dress I just bought”. Just leave a note, sorry I had to go. But I can’t bc of my kids, I’m distraught even thinking a nasty thought, my baby girl would grow up without a mom. Stupid Fkn Covid19, I kind of wish someone would cough in my mouth and just give it to me, so I can either survive or die. My husband doesn’t want to be around me, and reminds me of the times he’s threatened divorce years ago. Now we’re supposed to be in it together during all this social isolating and it feels like a cruel joke bc now apparently we (he) can’t stand it. Just utter fuckery.

Some sanity and calm returns to me. I have to go back downstairs and eat something. I try to ask why I have to sleep in the other room. He says he doesn’t want to be near me, bc I won’t talk to him. (Which is infuriating bc “talking” just turned into me not appreciating him enough and it’s my fault for having reservations about his grand idea of moving to Alaska). It felt so gaslighting, he just says I said things, and jumps into gross conclusions that I didn’t even say, I wished I’d recorded this whole mess, it’s all so confusing now. Then he unleashes things he’s been keeping from me about how stressed he’s been, and cries in his truck at night, and it’s like blaming me for not knowing how bad he’s been. Like he goes to his counseling and his meds are for psychosis and suicidal issues, like wtf?! How can you blame me for things you hid, that I’d have no idea to even ask about?!? That’s like me saying, how dare you never ask about my trauma that I never told you!

Yes, I’ve been bad at expressing love. Yes, we’ve emotionally grown apart over the years . Yes, things have needed work for a long time. Yes, I have my part in it.

I wouldn’t be against couple counseling. Fuck I longed for someone tonight. Make sense of this madness, mediate, be a witness, my mind is breaking, stop the devolved bs, keep the topic on track, honor the boundary when I say stop.

I wanted to run away. Escape. Get money from grandma and just fly to Michigan and live with her. Or end it and die. Flip a switch so it shuts off. Lose consciousness . It feels like a train wreck coming. Impending doom. And this was before the virus and media hype warping minds. But kids, I can’t leave them. I can’t. No wonder those suffering domestic violence get trapped. Wtf is next? It’s been ONE Fkn day, why couldn’t DH just let the stop loss marinate for a bit? Sleep on it? Not get boozed up and flip tf out. God, help.

[disabled-queen-hc-blog]

autistic!john hc were he has had a weighted blanket his whole life and can’t sleep without it, but he forgets it once when they go on tour so the other boys step up and cuddle with him all tour long bc they can’t afford another weight blanket (and none of them are complaining, actually they are quite happy with the fact they now *have* to cuddle with john (it’s a band favorite))

“I can do this,” John whispered to himself as he trashed his suitcase. This was the fifth time he had looked though it, throwing everything left and right, in search of his weighted blanket. By the third look through, it was clear he had left it behind, but he kept looking. Just in case.

You are a grown man. You can handle a few nights without your blanket. You can sleep just fine without it, he told himself, hands beginning to shake a little.

As long as he could remember, he’d never slept a single night nor a single wink without his weighted blanket. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t right?

The rest of the members were fast asleep in their respective rooms. It was too late to ask them for help. Too late to go out and purchase one. 

He could do this. This was fine.

John crawled into bed, nerves spiking. The hotel’s blanket was rough and scratchy on his legs. He chewed his lip as he tried to ignore that, focusing on how heavy the blanket was. It was quite a bit heavier than most normal comforters, but still insignificant compared to what he was used to.

He shook his head, hands musing up his hair. Ignore that too. You can sleep in a regular blanket just like everyone else. Just close your eyes and..sleep.

If you just focus really hard on sleeping, you will.

If you pretend you’re under your blanket, you’ll be asleep in no time.

No time at all.

Is it 3:30 already? No big deal. Keep trying.

Just keep trying.

Keep..trying...

“Good morning, sunshine!!” Freddie said as he bursted into John’s room. “We have a full day ahead of us and you promised you’d go shopping with me!” he said in a singsong voice as he made his way over to John’s bed.

John could only let out a long groan, bleary, red eyes slowly rolling open. When Freddie saw the sight before him, he let out a theatrical gasp, sitting next to a irritated John. “Deacy, darling, are you alright? Have you caught a cold?” he asked as he pressed a hand to John’s forehead.

John shook his head no, croaking out, “I forgot my weighted blanket. Couldn’t sleep,”

Freddie frowned, knowing exactly what that meant. Every tour, he had this ratty old blanket with him. It weighed probably a hundred pounds (More like 15, but Freddie was never good at maths) and the only time their little John seemed most at ease, was when he was under it.

“Oh dear. Well. You stay here then, alright? I’ll go out and see if I can find anything similar, at least for this tour. You call the others if you need anything, okay?” Freddie said, genuine concern painting his features. John nodded, relieved that sleep was on the horizon. Nobody could shop like Freddie. He could find just about anything.

Finally feeling some peace, John was able to take a few short naps throughout the day, waiting for the singers return.

By nightfall, there was no sign of Freddie. It worried him a little, but he assumed that Freddie had gotten caught up in some antique store. Nothing distracted their singer more than something old and dingy.

John had just finished his dinner when the door to his room slowly creaked open. He looked up to see the rest of the members in the doorway, in their pajamas. Freddie had an apologetic look as he entered first, sitting on John’s bed like he did that morning.

“John, darling, um. I looked through every shop and market. I-I couldn’t find a damn thing. I really tried. I didn’t even buy myself anything. I’m so sorry,” he said as he held the bassist’s hand. John could feel himself sinking, eyes lowering. He wouldn’t survive the tour at this rate. They had a concert tomorrow and if he didn’t get any decent sleep, he was sure he’d pass out on stage.

Before Freddie could say anything else, Roger had run across the room, throwing himself into the bed, all well yelling, “Sleep over!! Sleep over!!”

John shot him a irritated look before staring at Freddie, confused. Freddie smiled, a forced one, slowly beginning to explain. “Well, there was no weighted blanket and I know how much you need that to sleep. But, there are three of us, willing to have a cuddle with you. Maybe that would help? See if that’ll help you sleep?”

Brian had made his way to the bed, plopping himself on it. “How about a big ole cuddle session to help you sleep, John?” he echoed Freddie, grinning.

John didn’t know what to say at first. He’d never used people in place of his blanket before. He looked down into his lap, twiddling with some hair as he thought. It couldn’t be as bad as the night before. Anything would be better than last night. It could be worth a try. Anything to make sure he’s well rested for tomorrow’s concert.

He gave a shy nod, a small smile spreading onto his face. They all cheered, talking about the Queen’s first ever slumber party.

Well, it wasn’t a slumber party, John could tell you that. Brian was the first to fall asleep, barely past 9 o’clock. He’d placed himself in front of John, so that John could nuzzle up into his hair for any sleepy stimming needs.

Freddie was second, curled up at the end of the bed, too tired from his quest this morning to be of much use.

So it was just Roger and John for a bit, Roger snuggled up to John’s back, a arm draped over the younger one. 

They whispered back and forth for bit like a pair of naughty kids, trying to stifle giggles. 

“I don’t think this is working,” John whispered, a yawn erupting from his mouth as he spoke. Roger snickered, replying with a, “Oh, really?”

Maybe it was. John didn’t know. It was all so different. He felt warmer than usual, which wasn’t a bad thing. Hearing the soft breathing of his band mates was actually pretty calming too. None were obnoxious snorers either. And feeling all of his members bodies pressed against him, the weight of them pushing into his limbs...was quite nice if he had to admit it. 

He let out another yawn. Roger pet his head, whispering, “Close your eyes, Deacy. See you in the morning,”

He couldn’t even fight the command. His consciousness quickly faded from him, sending him into one of the deepest sleeps of his life. 

So deep, that he thought he had blinked when he woke up. He was shocked to see the sun was rising.

John was even more surprised to find that he was well rested. He felt ready to play to a crowded audience. Ready for the screams and lights. The chaos and cheers.

The others seemed to have also had a splendid night, not a single one of them stirring at the morning sun. John smiled to himself, letting himself get snuggled up in between them. Their plan was a success and John had a feeling this group cuddle had helped the other three sleep as well.

After the concert, which John dominated, was over, the four of them were backstage, moping the sweat off of themselves.

Freddie slapped his forehead, muttering out, “I forgot to tell the roadies to go looking for a weighted blanket for John,”

Before anyone could say anything, Roger called out, “I get big spoon!!”

John grinned.

[rorykillmore]

and now that i’m back from the movies and settled, this is a christmas present for @sonofkaden who requested something with ratchet and kara pertaining to ratchet having trouble with school bc of executive dysfunction/overstimulation and kara being able to relate and supporting him. even though i do also headcanon kara as autistic, i usually don’t examine stuff like this because i consider it a bit out of my Lane so... it means a lot that fate trusted me with it enough to request it specifically. i hope it was done well.

fate!!! i’ve been lucky enough to be your friend for quite awhile now, but i feel like this year particularly? we’ve managed to get even closer and it’s something that i’ve been really grateful for. your infectious kindness and passion is something i’ve always admired but you also have a way of making people feel really good about themselves and i just. want you to know how much i appreciate that, especially recently. i know your family’s taught you to doubt yourself but i don’t ever want there to be any doubt about how much of a positive impact you’ve had on my life. you deserve all the support and validation in the world so hopefully this fic is like... a nice way of obtaining a bit of that.

Ratchet isn’t just one of her best friends anymore -- she also has to act, in some capacities, as his guardian. It’s not a task she can solve with laser vision or superstrength.

There’s an undercurrent of relief in the air as Kara waits outside her car from where she’s parked in the designated drop-off/pick-up zone -- but that’s probably to be expected. Clairbourne just let out for the holidays, after all, and Kara can still remember the thrill of having a week and a half off school to look forward to.

Generally, Ratchet likes school. She knows that and has never wanted to discourage it -- but still, even he can stand to take a break every once in awhile. She can’t pretend she’s not looking forward to getting to spend a little more time with him, this year especially (since they’re still getting over spending so much time apart). She’s even thought about asking Ratchet and Sasuke if they want to take a little trip, maybe spend a few days at a cabin somewhere for New Years -- though she’s not sure how well Sasuke vacations.

Maybe Ratchet’ll feel like helping her strategize on the way home, she thinks, breaking into a familiar grin as she sees him approaching.

Her expression fades almost immediately, because it does’t take her long to figure out that something’s wrong.

Ratchet’s ears droop unhappily as he walks, and he can’t quite manage to smile back at her. The look on his face is one that Kara can’t quite immediately place, but she doesn’t need to be told that he’s not feeling well.

“Hey,” she greets him more softly than originally intended as he walks up to her. “Did something happen?”

“Yeah.” Ratchet pauses. Blinks. “Uh -- I mean, no. Can we just... ? I kinda wanna get out of here.” He glances back at the school over his shoulder and Kara frowns, trying not to feel immediately protective.

“Sure.” She gestures to the driver’s seat door. “You wanna drive?”

Ratchet shakes his head mutely, which - if Kara didn’t have it before - is definite indication that something’s up. She doesn’t push the issue, instead retreating into the car, buckling up, and waiting for him to do the same.

The drive back to New York isn’t a long one - there’s a rift about ten minutes from here that puts them right in Manhattan - but today it suddenly feels like an eternity. Kara’s mind races, brimming with what if’s and all sorts of over-dramatic possibilities. It’s this part that she’s still not entirely used to. Ratchet isn’t just one of her best friends anymore -- she also has to act, in some capacities, as his guardian. It’s not a task she can solve with laser vision or superstrength. 

Kara may be able to move mountains (sometimes literally), but she’s only twenty-five years old, and she worries more often than she allows herself to admit that she’s gonna mess something up.

“Ratchet, talk to me,” she blurts out, not able to maintain the heavy silence any longer. “What’s going on?”

Ratchet presses the side of his head against the passenger’s seat window. “I just --”  He doesn’t look at her.  “I don’t want you to be... disappointed.”

He’s never said anything like that to her before, and even to someone who’s usually close to invincible, it feels a little like being punched.  She steals a glance at him, but he still won’t meet her gaze. “That’s, like -- not even possible.” Making it sound teasing strikes her as the best way of lightening the mood, even though in all seriousness, she doesn’t think she could ever not be proud of him. A little more carefully, she adds, “You know you can tell me anything.”

There’s a beat in which Kara thinks he’s going to fall into silence again -- but then he moves, and out of the corner of her eye she realizes he’s stopping to rummage through the backpack at his feet. They’re nearing a stoplight by the time he pulls out what he’s looking for, so she spares it a longer look.

 It’s a piece of paper -- this semester’s report card, she realizes after a moment. She scans his marks and sees a few C’s, a couple of D’s -- a B. One F.  

Her heart sinks for him, not because of him. She’s already gotten a sense of how he must be taking this.  

“Oh, Ratchet...” Her attention diverts briefly as they start driving again. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to --” He sounds startled, and then he cuts himself off. “I’m the one who messed up.”

“It’s just a report card. I don’t know anyone who got through high school without getting a bad one, once in awhile,” Kara soothes. Her first couple grades, back when she was still getting used to school and... Earth in general, definitely hadn’t been so great.

Ratchet straightens in his seat, his tail twitching frustratedly in his lap. “Okay, but -- this shouldn’t have -- I don’t even know what happened.”

“...What do you mean?”

He doesn’t give her an immediate answer, but she doesn’t push him for one. She knows by now that sometimes it’s less about Ratchet not wanting to talk to her and more about him not being able to find the right words.

“I -- I missed a lot of homework,” he admits after awhile. “I know I shouldn’t have, I just -- I knew some of my grades were slipping, and every time I thought about trying to catch up, or do extra credit, I would just -- I don’t know, freeze up!”

Kara stays quiet, processing, because she’s pretty sure Ratchet has more to say and she doesn’t want to interrupt his working it out.

“Like, I would think about doing it, and then I couldn’t -- think at all, until I stopped trying to make myself do it. And the more behind I got, the harder it was, and I -- I didn’t know how to make myself --”

His voice breaks. By now, Kara has decided to pull over into a nearby Walmart parking lot, because this is quickly becoming a situation that demands her full attention. Once the car is parked, she turns in her seat and reaches out to smooth over some of his fur.

“Ratchet,” she murmurs. “It’s okay. It really is okay.”

He looks close to tears, and she can hardly stand it. She doesn’t want to watch something he enjoys turn into a source of stress and disappointment -- she knows some of how that feels, and she suspects putting it into words for him might help.

“My foster mom used to say that -- when you feel like that, it’s called ‘executive dysfunction’. For all Krypton’s advances, we never had a a word for it.” Kara pauses for a moment, almost thoughtful. “But it doesn’t mean you’re lazy, or that you’re not smart. Okay? Grades on a report card are a dumb way of measuring that stuff, anyway.”

For all that this must be weighing on him, Ratchet tries to smile at her, and she feels a familiar flash of admiration for his courage. “...It still feels kinda crappy.”

Kara can’t help but laugh a little, endeared by how candid it sounds. “Yeah. I know.”  

Ratchet pauses more uncertainly. “How do you, uh... ? Deal with the -- executive dysfunction stuff. I mean, is there a way to -- ?”

“Well,” Kara considers briefly. “It sort of depends on what works best for you. But -- now that I know you’re having trouble, I can help. We can work on figuring out the best way to schedule things -- like, which times of the day are the easiest to study in, and how much time you should spend on it before you need to take a break.”  She remembers how supportive Eliza had been whenever she’d struggled as a child, and in that moment, it’s all she wants to make sure Ratchet gets to have the same thing.

“I bet Sasuke would help, too,” she offers, because she knows he would want to, even if he isn’t always good at saying as much. “In a way, it’s kind of like... training. You push yourself too hard when you spar, and your body gives out. You push yourself too hard when you study, and your brain does the same thing. If... that makes sense?”

When Ratchet nods, it’s slow and not quite certain, but some of the shame and frustration has eased from his expression. “I... think so, anyway.”

“There’s plenty of time to figure things out,” Kara continues. “And plenty of time to bring your grades up. I mean -- it’s sophomore year. You’re supposed to make mistakes sophomore year!”

“I guess I’ll have to take your word for it, since you’ve already survived it.” Ratchet’s tone is starting to sound teasing and wry, and it instantly eases a little of the weight on Kara’s heart. He pauses, his expression softening.  “...Thanks, though, Kara.  I --”  He hesitates.  “I’m really glad I don’t have to do this without you.”

The words hit her in a strange place.  All her feelings surrounding being pulled back and forth between two worlds are... complicated, to say the least, but she leans over to plant a soft kiss on his forehead. And when she pulls away to answer, she finds that she means it. “I am, too.”

They smile at each other for a moment, before Kara’s smile turns a little more playful. “So. Ice cream?”

“In the middle of winter?” Ratchet asks, though he doesn’t sound at all opposed to the idea.

“We’re still in New Orleans,” Kara points out, smile broadening into a grin, before she turns the car on again.

What she doesn’t say is that Ratchet deserves something nice. That he deserves -- the world, really.

But she thinks he gets the message anyway.

[the-natural-world-blog]

What's it like being a paleontology student? I've loved the subject since I was little along with zoology and marine biology, but when it came time to pick a major (for now I'm going to college in state because it's drastically cheaper) none of the schools had the subject as an option for a major, at least what I could find. Instead I chose wildlife biology, which I love, but part of me still wants to work in the paleontology field lmao.

Palaeontology has been my passion and obsession since I was three years old. I decided then what I wanted to do with my life and stuck by that decision with all the autistic stubbornness I had in me. I figured out how to make it a reality pretty early on (after plenty of research!), such as by taking triple science for GCSE, and taking all the sciences subjects I could for A-Level ect.In the UK there are only a few universities that have palaeontology as a degree, the main ones being Portsmouth (my own first choice) and Bristol. Southampton has a micro palaeontology course for masters and above. https://www.whatuni.com/degree-courses/search?subject=paleontologyMy course needed at least BBC to get in. I think I had A*BC so I got in just fine. Luckily for me money wasn’t an issues, since almost all uni’s charge £9000 a year, and almost everyone gets a loan for it. The price is going up every year though, because the UK is currently being run by fucking twats...As for what it’s like? There’s a lot more geology than I first expected. Palaeontology relies so much on geology to determine the environment that a fossil was preserved in, which in turn effects how the organism was adapted to survive there. In the first year especially we were essentially doing a geology course, getting all the basics down about mineralogy, plate tectonics, how to measure strike and dip and how to properly record data in the field ect. I’ll admit I have a huge soft spot for igneous mineralogy, even though it’ll likely never be useful for anything to do with palaeontology! (only 1% of fossils are found in igneous strata).https://icestormtundra.deviantart.com/art/Olivine-XPL-611293080The actual palaeontology side involves a lot of drawing and counting. I have a friend whose currently counting and cataloguing hundreds of fossil fragments from Morocco for his dissertation next year. The idea he has is to look at the diversity of different marine organisms found in the kem-kem beds, before and after the K-T event took place. He’s been moaning about how the box of stuff from the Cenozoic is nothing but shark teeth that all look the same, so it’s difficult to determine the species.https://sta.sh/21x2r6c6dhna?edit=1My own slightly dumb idea for a dissertation is to analyse the eyes of trilobites and use them to determine how they were adapted for different ecological niches. I want to expand on this in a masters course of PhD if I can get that far, by recreating trilobite eyes out of pieces of calcite and using that and photograph paper to show how trilobites actually saw the world!That’s just a far off dream atm though. =)You also have to draw a lot of detailed diagrams and sketches of fossils, with multiple views, titles, and annotations. Here’s an example I did earlier this year of a foram.https://icestormtundra.deviantart.com/art/Foraminifera-Trochammina-642521341There is a lot of focus on the ‘small’ and ‘simple’ organisms throughout the fossil record, since they preserve a hell of a lot more often, and so we have more information to go off. Micro palaeontology is probably the only branch that has any decent job opportunities, and you can get rich if you specialise in the oil industry. The rest of us sods scramble for a masters of PhD and try to go into research or teaching. I always say that getting a job in palaeontology is sort of like roman emperors, because job openings only come up when the previous occupant dies, usually of old age.Fossil hunting on field trips is great fun though. I swear half of it’s luck, and the other half is experience. You have to train yourself to spot fossils amongst the rocks, and it’s not as easy as it sounds. The fossils are usually covered in mud, broken and incomplete. Here’s some photos of stuff me and my friends have found.https://sta.sh/21zftqly0ba0?edit=1Ok that’s enough myth-busting. Here’s the awesome stuff; YOUR’RE STUDYING FUCKING DINOSAURS AND SHIT!Seriously, you get to look at awesome fossils and play around with hugely expensive tech all day. Like scanning electron microscopes. And buckets of acid. And flashy polarising microscopes that cost £1000+ a piece.You’re learning about things older than our entire species, about forces that can move continents, things so vast and beyond human control it’d terrify most sane people. Suddenly thousands of years mean nothing to you; that’s a geological second in the grand scheme of things.And on top of that everything is a mystery, no information is ever set in stone (pun intended). And the further back in time we go, the more mysteries we have. Such as what the fuck is the Tullimonstrum? We don’t know is the answer. Some people think it’s a weird fish, and some people think it’s an arthropod, and some people think it’s something else entirely. What we do know is that it certainly doesn’t have any living descendants!Like seriously bloody hell what on earth am I looking at. This thing is weird.The subject is full of stuff like this though. You’re trying to build a picture out of a jigsaw set that has half the pieces missing, another quarter chewed up, and the rest are scattered all over the world. It’s a science so it is of course scientific, and involves a lot of systematic data collection and analysis and peer review.At the same time though, you’re researching and learning about giant monsters and things that wouldn’t be out of place in an Alien movie, and your entire course is made up of nerds who can all sing the Jurassic park theme flawlessly. I love it. My department is my second home. I’m more familiar with the microscopes there than I am with my fridge. I wouldn’t change my course for the world. =)

[leslea]

Can Pesky Tarnation Strand Ducks?

It’s the age old question, isn’t it?

C-PTSD. Do you know what that is? I did, but I didn’t, not really.

In the 1990s when I was first diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the psychologist who gave the diagnosis commented that “sometimes, people experience trauma after trauma, so that it’s not just one event that leads to PTSD, but a series of events.” That blew my mind. 

What I’d known about PTSD up to that point was very little, but essentially it centered around “shellshock” and Gulf War Vet syndrome. I knew I had gone through a hard time, but I didn’t know that I had PTSD. I just knew I was reliving certain events wherein attempts were made on my life. I knew I was basing nearly all my daily decisions around my safety from certain people who I had not seen in years, and I knew that wasn’t normal. I knew I couldn’t sleep. I knew I wanted to sleep, so badly.

Now, a solid 20+ years later, I have learned there is an emerging diagnostic label called Complex PTSD. Unlike your run of the mill, vanilla PTSD (ha! HAAaaaa!!!) that had me crawling on the floor of my house like a Vietnam Vet afraid of Charlie, C-PTSD is the kind of situation my original therapist was describing. C-PTSD doesn’t come from just one event. It comes from a series of events, typically in childhood. There was no diagnostic test for it at the time, and it’s not yet in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), so it will probably be a few years before specialized treatments are developed for this particular bag of nuts.

So why does it matter? Why do I care? I’m a well-adjusted adult woman, I’m a good mother and wife, I am helpful and kind to neighbors and friends, I’m a good citizen, etc., etc. I’m not some nutcase, right? What does C-PTSD have to do with me? Most days there is nothing wrong with me that a little wine or chocolate can’t fix.

Here’s the thing. Upon my son’s diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, I realized that I, too, am very likely on the spectrum. It explains a lot of why & how I process inputs the way I do. It also explains the way my memory functioned until the past eight years or so. I was never an expert on PTSD, but I felt like I had my symptoms and stress level under control, so I didn’t need to be an expert. I’m reading all the time about ASD now, and dealing with a teenager on the spectrum who is being traumatized by ongoing bullying. Parsing everything he is going through, trying to deal with his reactions (some angry and destructive), trying to shield him from disciplinary actions he does not deserve--all while waiting in limbo for our letter from BDDS so we can receive services that might help him (hey, no guarantees) to live a better life...all while mothering three other children with the same level of need as any other kid. It’s a lot. It has thrown me into autistic shutdown mode. That’s not fun, but that’s not the thing. The thing is the emotional flashbacks.

Emotional flashbacks. Emotional fucking flashbacks? Seriously? Emotional flashbacks.

Yes, they are a thing. I’ve had these from time-to-time for years, although for the past eight or nine years of marriage to Tim, I’ve had them so much less. (Funny what being LOVED by a reciprocal partner will do for your mental health, huh?) Rarely do I feel so badly that I can’t tell him how I’m feeling, but that happened over the weekend.

You know that tipping point where you feel so badly, you can’t bear the pain, and the only obvious escape is death? If you’ve never felt that way, then you are so blessed. As I’ve matured and made my life less populated with problematic people, I’ve experienced that feeling less and less. I’ve grown. Sometimes I feel strong. I remind myself when I am very low that these feelings always pass. I’m blessed to have lots of hugs and loving, sweet faces to remind me that I’ll be grateful for pushing on. I push on. Things get better. I move away from the sad episodes and do healthy things for myself--take a walk, get a massage, meditate, take my vitamins, make fresh juice, call a friend, listen to a novel on audiobook while I accomplish a household chore...it’s called self-care. I do that stuff. It doesn’t fix the wounds/scars deep down inside me, but it puts me back up on the level of human-kind. Away from the worms. Or maybe I should say the Pesky Tarnation. I do my damnedest to get past the past (ha) and be fully in the now, even if the now is extra advanced level difficulty and I’m forever a novice.

This weekend I found a book about C-PTSD. It’s an audiobook. It was quite informative. It helped me understand so much about myself, and about my problematic stress response to parenting challenges. All of this preceeding text is an introduction so I can share it with you, just in case you need it. I checked it out from hoopla on audiobook for free, but here it is on Amazon: Complex PTSD : From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker.

If you find yourself in the pages of that book, there’s also a nice reddit community I’d like you to meet: CPTSD on reddit. I don’t post there, but it has been helpful to read the stories and even to laugh at the memes. 

I don’t like to lose myself in the hole of self-diagnosis and all that stuff too much. I just know that I need psychic first aid at times and in ways that no one ever talks about, no one ever demonstrates in books, movies, or songs, and I’ve never understood why. Like, I knew I had a rough start, but why couldn’t I overcome my past entirely and put all of that behind me and just be unencumbered by it? A great majority of people seem like they can do this, and I’m obviously not so dysfunctional as to require disability and full-time care or anything like that, so...why? Why intermittently break down?

I don’t know. I’m a stranded duck, sometimes, but I can, and do get past it. I don’t share this often, but sometimes, the pain is back, and it’s so loud, I can’t even speak. I can’t ask for help. I can’t tell Tim I need him to hold me. I can’t drown out the voice in my head telling me that I should just die because the pain will never get better. I certainly can’t text a friend or call someone or announce it to FB.

All I can do is get through it the best I can, until I reach a point I can apply a little bit of self-care. 

Today is World Autism Day and people are posting about ASD, so here I am posting about C-PTSD, lawl, bc of course I am. My ex-husband used to criticize me for becoming defensive and angry after opening up emotionally. He wasn’t wrong. I will hit publish on this and then regret it, burning inside like I’m on fire. It will eat at me and I will feel immense shame, although I know full well I did nothing wrong, and endeavor daily to do so many things right.

If you’ve read this far, please leave a kind word. Any kind word will do.