#i need controll

[old-habits-that-give-control]

Mini BC:

So this isn't really a body check cuz I did one before that a few days ago but this is my stomach after I didn't eat all day(I ate some lunch tho after I did weight myself) because I was waiting for the scale to arrive and oh my god I know it's not much but knowing this is what I could look like all the time if I just keep going is honestly so motivating.

I also took a picture from the side but oh god I look fat AF from the side so I'll Spare you

Anyways plz don't be mean thx (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)

[ot3]

i dont like the idea that kids these days are doing their fandom rps with ai chatbots. that's how you're supposed to make lifelong friends as a weird really online teen.

[lettuccine]

pov: you play poker game with marcille

[egophiliac]

it's never the last time.

I was trying to justify to myself having Leona know how to use a waffle maker, and. well. sometimes you just gotta go where the flow takes you.

[inkskinned]

what is with men being mad any time a woman raises her voice where did that even come from. someone posted a video of a small electrical explosion, and the top comment was of course the woman screams. the second comment is women try not to scream challenge, level impossible. i had to go back and watch the video again. there is, somewhat fainty, a little gasp emitted off-camera, more of a yelp than a scream. it is mostly lost in the crack of the explosion. afterwards, you hear her voice, shaken, say, are you okay?

i am helping one of my friends train her voice pitch lower, because she wants to be taken seriously at work. she and i do each other's nails and talk about gender roles; and how - due to our appearance - neither of us have ever been able to be "hysterical" in public. we both appear young and sweet and feminine. she is cisgender, and cannot use her natural voice in her profession because people keep saying she appears to be "vapid". we both try to figure out if our purposeful voice lowering is technically sexist. is it promoting something when you are a victim to it?

a storm almost sends a pole through a car window. in the dashcam, you can hear the woman passenger say her partner's name twice, crying out in alarm. she sounds terrified. in the comments, she is lambasted for her lack of calm. how is that even fucking helping?

in high school, i taught myself to have a lower voice. i had been recorded when i was genuinely (and righteously) upset; and i hated how my voice sounded on the phone speakers when it was played back. i was defending my mom, and my voice cracked with emotion. it meant i was no longer winning the argument: i was just shrieking about it.

girls meet each other after a long summer and let out a little joyful scream. this usually stops around 12-14, because people will not tolerate this display of affection (as it has the effect of being passingly annoying). something about the fact that little girls can't ever even be annoying. we are trained to examine each part of our lives (even joy) for anything that could make us upsetting and disgusting. they act like teenage girls are breaking into houses and shrieking you awake at 3 in the morning. speaking as a public school educator: trust me, it's not that bad, you can just roll your eyes and move on. it does not compare to the ways boys end up being annoying: slurs in graffiti, purposefully mocking your body, following you after you said no. you know, just boy things.

there's another video of a man who is not allowed to yell in the house, so he snaps his fingers when he's excited about soccer. the comments are full of angry men, talking about how their brother is unfairly caged. let him express himself and this is terrible to do to someone. eventually the couple has to address it in a second video: they are married with a newborn baby. he was trying not to wake the infant up. there is no comment on the fact women are not allowed to yell indoors. or the fact that it could have been really alarming or triggering for his wife. sometimes i wonder if straight men even like women, if they even enjoy being in relationships with them.

for the longest time, i hated roller coasters because it always felt inappropriate and uncomfortable for me to scream. one of my friends called me on it, said it was unusual i'm so unwilling. i had to go to my therapist about it. i don't like to scream because i was not raised in a safe situation, and raising my voice would have brought unsafe attention towards me. even when i am supposed to scream, it feels shameful, guilty. i was not treated kindly, so i lack a basic form of self-protection. this is not a natural response. it is not good that in a situation of high adrenaline - i shut up about it.

something very bad is happening, i think. in between all the beauty standards and the stuff i've already discussed - this one feels new and cruel in a way i can't quite express. yes, it's scary and silencing. but there's something about how direct it is - that so many men agree with the sentiment that women should never yell, even in an emergency - it feels different.

is the word shriek gendered automatically? how about shrill or screech? in self defense class, one of the first things they tell you is to yell, as loud and as shrilly as you can. they say it will feel rude. most women will not do this. you need to practice overcoming the social pressure and just scream.

most women do not cry out, even when it's bad. we do not report it. we walk faster. we do not make a scene. what would be the point of doing anything else? no matter what we do, we don't get taken seriously. it is a joke to them. an instagram caption punchline. we have to present ourselves as silent, beautiful, captivating - "valuable."

a woman is outside watching her kids when someone throws a firecracker at them. she screams and runs towards her children. in the comments, grown men flock together in the thousands: god. women are so annoying.

[deep-space-lines]

IT'S FINALLY FUCKING DONE. I'M FINALLY FREE

UNTIL FRAUD COMES OUT

Tumblr shrinks it down pretty bad so please. please. I am begging you. look at the full sized image and zoom in. This art piece made my friends worried for my mental health I need someone to witness the amount of detail and effort I put into this

also the original sketch under the cut bc I think comparing them is really funny

[ultravioletness]

I’ve been making gay knights (and ladies) collages on my phone at work

(Part two)

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

The musical episode.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[girlboyburger]

had an identity crisis, prime time for a slight sona redesign!

it's cow! (again!)

+ a closeup because i'm really proud of the eyes

[the-struggle-is-real-adhd]

[old-habits-that-give-control]

Yes I miss it. I admit it.

I don't know what exactly it is about this but I miss it. It's not even the hunger but the community is so nice and understanding, maybe it gives me control in a life where I feel like I am loosing everything, maybe it's always something to look forward to or maybe it is keeping my head of off other things.

Either way I am here again.

I don't have a scale or a food scale yet so counting calories is gonna be impossible but as soon as I get those I might start again.

Also I'm mostly gonna share my food here. This is gonna be more of a digital diary but you are more that welcome to spectate whatever is happening here.

[fandomsandfeminism]

On Saturday, in New York, a group of friends pulled into a strangers driveway to turn their car around. The homeowner came outside, shot at them, and killed one of the 20 year old women in the car.

Last Thursday, in Kansas City, a 16 year old boy ended up at the wrong address by mistake trying to pick up his younger siblings. He rang the doorbell. The homeowner shot him in the head. He is, miraculously, alive and recovering.

Yesterday, in Texas, a group of high school cheerleaders stopped at a grocery store on their way home. One of them opened the door to the wrong car by mistake, realized her mistake, and quickly retreated and found her friends car nearby. The man in the car followed her and shot at the group. 2 were shot. One remains hospitalized.

In less than a week- 3 people, doing normal, nonmalicious, nonthreatening, everyday things. Turning around in a driveway, ringing the wrong doorbell, going up to the wrong car by mistake. And with no escalation, no warning, it turns to gun fire.

It's a terrible intersection of easy access to firearms and an entitlement to use violence against others. All 3 of these recent incidents were so unprovoked and unjustifiable, and the core thread remains the same.

A man who felt entitled to use violence and had the means to do so with a firearm.

I don't even know what to say.

[weltenwellen]

ugh why must I be always so repulsed by my own vulnerability but I find it very moving and impressive if other people are vulnerable with me????

[domwitch]

Imagine flirting with a boy by giving him casual commands. Waving him over from the bar, telling him to sit down and ordering drinks for the both of you. Manhandling him gently, hand loose around his waist, walking him towards the exit. He could simply ignore you if he wasn't interested, but he's so obedient and pliant that he follows your every move, his big doe eyes eagerly watching for your next command.

[zephyrchama]

You're watching a random movie with Mammon that turns out to have some horror elements in it. Neither of you knew this beforehand, you only skimmed the movie's description, but Mammon's not going to chicken out now. He needs to look cool in front of you. It's just a stupid movie. It's fine.

A minor jump scare halfway through the film leaves him rattled. He holds on to you tightly, quietly cursing how high quality the special effects are. It's fine, though. Really. It is.

He even offers to hold you if you're scared.

This gives Mammon an excuse to hide behind you. Perhaps this was his original aim. The two of you quickly work out a new seating arrangement on the couch. He moves you in front of him, encouraging you to lean back against him if there's not enough room to sit between his legs. You wonder how much of your head obscures the screen.

Several minutes pass in this state. You are having a very difficult time concentrating on the film. A certain someone has his arms wrapped around your chest like a flotation device.

"Hey, Mammon?" you whisper. "Yeah?" "It's really hard to watch the movie." You feel him shift a little in the seat. He asks, "Wanna turn it off and do somethin' else?" "No, can you just move your arms?"

Mammon grunts and makes no effort to even change position. There's a pause, as if he's thinking about it, before he sighs into your neck.

"No can do," he says. "Dunno what else this movie has in store, and I don't want your fragile little human heart givin' out on me if it gets worse."

Certainly, with the way his hands were gripping at you like a weak stress ball, Mammon could probably feel every pulse of your heartbeat.

"Okay, but this is a human movie. Made by humans. For humans." You really emphasize that last bit. "Yeah, but we borrowed it from Satan. Who knows what kind of sick tastes he has?"

You laugh. The way your upper body briefly swells as you inhale and then shrinks back down as you laugh, and the way he can feel every shake when you exhale, makes Mammon's heart flutter.

"Come on. I can't even snack like this," you plead. There was zero chance Mammon was letting you go after the treat you just gave him. His head is already in the clouds. "How are you gonna watch the movie if you're busy snackin'?" he counters, as if either of you still had any idea what was happening on-screen. "I just want to be able to breathe again. You're so greedy," you tell him. You would slump your shoulders in defeat if that were possible at all with Mammon clinging to your chest from behind. "Damn right I am."

[eff-plays]

The way Astarion reacts depending on how you compliment him in the mirror scene (I have no interest in insulting him so I won't be covering that here, have fun though!) drives me fucking insane.

"I want to know what the world sees when it looks at me. What you see."

And you get two types of responses. First, your choices for compliments are

Strong, piercing eyes.

The creases when you laugh.

Pick the first, and he's pleased. "Go on," he says, sounding very seductive. You're giving him exactly what he wants, and he's encouraging it.

Pick the second, and he gets upset. He's an eternally young vampire, not your doting grandmother! You can do better than that. Even if you meant it as a compliment (I know my Tav definitely did), he doesn't seem to take it that way.

Your second options are

That dangerous smile.

The way your hair curls around your ears.

Once again, the first one pleases him, and he even praises your efforts. Very good. Now finish the scene and tell him he's beautiful.

But if you say the second, he gets exasperated. This is meant to be flattery, not poetry. Just tell him he's beautiful and we can call it a day, he says with a dismissive wave of his hand. He doesn't need to hear this crap, just tell him what he wants and fuck off.

Of course, it doesn't matter how you get to this point, and every dialogue option at the end of the scene nets you the same amount of approval. If you call him beautiful, it's +1. Call someone else beautiful, it's +1. If you ask whether he just wants shallow praise (aka don't call him beautiful), you get +1. So this is me pulling this out of my ass I guess.

I always choose to call him beautiful becuase 1) he is and 2) my Tav thinks so too and would oblige him if he asked for it that directly.

But I am obsessed with the different routes you can take to get to this point and what they imply.

Strong, piercing eyes and dangerous smile pleases him more outwardly, but doesn't actually affect the outcome. He's satisfied and confident with these compliments. They confirm what he's trying to project into the world, what he aspires to have and to be.

The creases when he laughs? The hair curling around his ears? Those are things he can't control, can't use against someone else. But he asked to be seen, and if this is what Tav sees, then what does that mean for him?

Why are they complimenting his laugh lines? Why are they speaking poetry at him? Why are they seeing things he has no control over, and why are they revealing them to him?

He doesn't want shallow praise. Questioning this nets approval, and giving it to him doesn't increase approval. What he wants is assurance that what he's trying to be is what the world sees, that he's in control.

And if you actually act as a mirror, point out the things unique to him that you see, he gets uncomfortable, because you're showing a reflection of someone he thinks he's not, of someone he has no control over. And that's scary, even if it's supposedly complimentary.

Because what's scarier than losing control?

But then, compared to how genuinely upset he seems when you insult him (I looked these up on YT for context), the laugh lines and hair curls are still accepted as compliments. So what does he think when Tav says these things?

They see past his piercing eyes and dangerous smile. They see something else that they like even more, things he's not aware of or doesn't appreciate as much. What does that feel like, to cultivate such a perfect image of oneself for the purposes of seducing and tricking others, and then be stumped when someone walks past all that and points out something entirely different that they noticed and found endearing?

Do you do him a favor, and tell him you see only what he wants to be? Or do you speak the truth, and show him what he actually is? Which one is better? Which one is worse?