#i need carpal tunnel surgery bad

[bowser14456]

Going to bed. Night 😴✌️

[fatal-blow]

actually speaking of that "everything i love causes carpal tunnel" shirt i know! a muscle that causes carpal tunnel-like symptoms!

the bad news is that it's the underside of the shoulder blade, but the good news is that once you figure out how to reach it, it's quite easy to release!

anyways meet the subcapularis

(all images taken from Myofascial Pain and Dysfunction (3rd Edition) by Travell et al)

the subcapularis helps pull the shoulder forward and rotate it inwards, meaning it's involved in many activities which cause the much dreaded carpal tunnel--yes, even though it's nowhere near the wrist. the anatomy of the shoulder makes it easy for nerves and vessels to get compressed, causing all sorts of fun symptoms like pain, tingling, and cold fingers.

this is the referred symptom zone:

obligatory i am not a doctor, just very autistic about musculoskeletal pain, and can't guarantee this massage will help your carpal tunnel symptoms, but I will say that uhhh every time I do this for myself i can feel all blood and sensation rush back into my arm, and it's always best to try massage before more invasive stuff like surgery

--

1. Find a spot where you can sit, feet planted on the ground, and lean forward and rest your head on something with your arm hanging down between your legs. This will slide the shoulder blade to the side of the ribs, where you can reach the underside.

2. Above is what the subcapularis looks like with the surrounding muscles. Using your fingertips (you might wanna cut your nails) or your thumb if preferred, find the bony edge of the shoulder blade, and start poking around the underside.

3. You'll most likely only be able to reach the edge of the muscle, but that's enough! When you press into it, you will probably feel like you're reproducing your symptoms. Don't worry; you aren't hurting yourself and in fact this means you're in the right spot! Massage it gently, enough to feel it but not enough to wince, until you can't find anymore painful spots (or until you feel better, sometimes you can't get it all in one session).

3.5. If your pain increases overall, don't do it. Though pressure should elicit symptoms, this type of massage should provide pretty immediate relief, and if it doesn't then either some other muscle(s) is involved or it's not muscle related at all.

4. Finish up by rolling your shoulder back, like you're stretching out your chest/reaching behind you, a few times. It's normal to hear clicking--good, actually, that's the sound of your body realigning.

5. I recommend doing this at least daily, even after the symptoms have eased, until it's no longer sensitive to massage. Keep in mind that this muscle has been overused, and that the muscles that oppose it have weakened. It will keep trying to tighten up again until the weakened muscles have recovered, so you need to actively treat it and keep an eye out for habits that cause you to roll the shoulder forward.

And that's it! If you intend to resume carpal tunnel inducing activities ASAP, see if you can take a moment every 30 minutes or so to do a quick shoulder stretch. This helps prevent the muscle from tightening, and you only need to spend moments to do so. Quick breaks like this actually go a long way towards preventing injury, and help you keep working without interrupting the flow to go do some body maintenance :P

[peachesofteal]

soap x cypher masterlist / 18+ mdni / dark and twisty themes overall but this is very soft / inspired by and written for @eilidh-eternal

Johnny is fuming.

You've skipped his lab. Not only have you skipped his lab, but you didn't even let him know. Where are you? He hasn’t even see you in days, getting in late from an op last night, collapsing into bed exhausted. All he wanted was to see your face this morning, peering at him from between the sea of students.

"Sir?"

"What?" He snaps, temper flaring, irritation running hot. The student, a transfer bomb tech from another unit, gulps. Get yerself together, he seethes. Ye're acting like a bloody fool. The tech voices a question, a complicated technical one, but easy to answer, and he rattles off a response before excusing everyone for the day.

He has more important things that need his attention.

He goes back and forth on punishment as he stalks over to the tech building. Overstimulation? Should he tie you to his bed and strap the head of a vibrator to your clit until you're crying? Denial? Humiliation? Should he shave your cunt, and then eat you out for hours, not letting you come once? Should he spank you until your ass is raw and you can't sit for a week?

Anger turns to worry when he steps onto your floor, and doesn't find you. You're not at your console. You're not in the bathrooms, or the break room. You're not anywhere.

He marches to Laswell's office, knocking twice before pushing the door wide, to her surprise.

"Soap?"

"Cypher not in today?" He skips the pleasantries, and she gives him a knowing look.

'She's out sick." Sick? You're sick? His mind is already scrambling, and he barely hears her parting words as he makes for the door, anger draining from his body and being replaced with worry, fear. Why didn't you tell him?

He gets his answer easily enough when you answer his incessant knocking with both wrists in braces, KT tape stretched from the back of your hands to your knuckles. Your face is twisted up, brow furrowed, and he immediately steps forward, hesitant to touch you, but yearning to provide you comfort, to help. To fix.

“Oh, Cy.” He murmurs and you look down to your feet.

“‘m sorry I missed class, I couldn’t… I can’t type, or pick anything up, so-“

“It’s okay. Let’s not worry about that now.” He herds you gently, turning you back into your room, relaxing as he feels you lean into him, one of his hands cradling yours carefully. “Carpal tunnel?” He knows all about it, of course. He has your medical file memorized. Knows about the flare ups that are really bad, knows you’re a perfect candidate for surgery, even though from the looks of it, you’re avoiding that option. He always thought he’d cross that bridge when he came to it, getting you to have the procedures scheduled, but it seems like that bridge is coming up now.

“It’s bad.” You croak. You can’t even work the door handle, trying in vain to flex your fingers, his heart sinking at the agony on your face, when you start to crumple, tears starting in the corners of your eyes.

“Shhh, I’m here, I’m here, wee sweet.” His arms wrap around you, holding you there for a second, rubbing your back, your shoulders, trying to reassure you. “I’ll take care of ye.” He promises, shutting the door with a firm click, and leading you over to your bed, encouraging you to sit, keeping his touch as gentle as he can, as to not jostle you or your hands. “What do ye need?” He smooths a hand over your hair, and you sigh.

“Something to eat.” Oh, sweet Cy. How long have ye felt like this? This is his fault. He should have been here last night. “And some ice, maybe?”

“Have ye taken anything?” He’s already pulling out his phone, shooting a text out to cash in on a favor owed to him by another Sergeant, essentially using them as a delivery service for your needs. “What sounds good to eat?”

“I don’t know, I can’t pick up-“

“I’ll take care of that.” He’s unmoored by your suffering, but a select piece of him is secretly delighted he’ll get to feed you, wash your hair, help you with your clothes, take care of all your needs. His mouth practically waters. You chew on your lip, wincing as you shift and he moves with you, encouraging you to lay down your back, tired eyes blinking up at the ceiling. Poor baby, probably hasnae sleep a wink. “I’ll pick for ye, Cy.”

“Okay.” You whisper, eyes slipping closed. He leans, lips dotting across your forehead.

“I’ve got ye. Want the lights off?” You nod, and he gets up to flick them off, clicking on the little bedside lamp that has the yellow shade, the dim one that you like “Whit feels good for yer hands? Ice? Elevation?”

“Both.” He tacks ice onto the ‘to be delivered list’ and then grabs a pillow, tucking it into your side to place your one wrist on top, arranging your giant quilt on the other to do the same.

He fusses over you, making sure you’re comfortable, making sure you’re content, propping you up on more pillows when everything is dropped at your door, and he stashes the ice in the freezer for after he feeds you.

“Got some soup.” He tells you sweetly, and you brighten a little.

“What kind?”

“Yer favorite. The cream of mushroom.” You smile at him and he holds you there, indulging in your sweet expression, until it starts to fade, drooping with realization. Confusion.

“Wait… how do you know it’s my favorite?”

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia!

In response to your recent post, I have carpal tunnel and stretching actually does not help. I do try to rest my wrists and fingers a lot, but do you have any other tactics you’ve used that have worked for you? Not looking for anything to follow as proper medical advice, just curious for new ideas to try out!

Take this with a grain of salt (not a doctor, as we all know! Just someone who writes a lot and has chronic RSIs in both wrists) but the type of rest you do is really important.

For example, wrist splinting can be really helpful, but only in specific ways.

Soft splints are best during the day, but both hard and soft wrist splints can make the pain worse if you're someone who unconsciously compresses the nerve further by bending your wrist into the splint throughout the day. If you can train yourself to stop doing this, soft wrist splints during the day - esp during rest periods - can help a lot.

Hard splints overnight can be amazing, but only if you don't contort your wrists while you sleep. This one is tough. I am a chronic wrist bender at night, and have literally woken up with my hands completely numb because of it. So hard splints are out of the question for me. It's been suggested to me to wear them for the first hour of lying down because I don't fall asleep straight away, to give my wrist a solid chunk of time of pure rest and then take it off before sleeping. 30 minutes of hard splinting where you can stop yourself from bending into the hard part is better than 30 minutes without it. Ditto a soft splint.

Carpal tunnel can be brutal, don't rule out seeing a physiotherapist or physical therapist who specialises in hand issues, or an occupational therapist who does the same. And my grandma had surgery for her carpal tunnel (twice!) and doesn't regret it. I also believe cortisone injections can be helpful, but come with the downside that they're more likely to increase pain in the long-term due to how steroids act on tissues overall. So cortisone should be used cautiously imho. (As in, it's not a long-term solution. It doesn't cure anything. And it can actually make some things worse).

I personally found hot and cold soaks pretty helpful. I have some arthritis in my hands so this is part of it. Ymmv on this one. Cold soaks reduce inflammation, hot soaks increase blood flow. Both can help with nerve impingement and joint pain. There will be guidelines online as to the best way / how long to do these.

Keeping a log of the pain specifically in your wrist / thumb, or the discomfort or numbness. Rating it on a level, and writing down everything you did in the hours leading up to bad flares. For me, learning that cross-stitch was actually the worst thing I did for my ulnar nerve entrapment was the thing that has helped most in knowing what I need to stop doing immediately when symptoms flare. I thought it was my writing, and I was wrong. My writing set up is actually pretty comfortable for my hands (see below), but once the cross-stitch caused a flare, writing perpetuated it and I'd mistakenly think the writing was the problem because I do that every day. You might be surprised which things can cause your worst flares. (Or not!)

Rest is rest. This one is hard. When it's our hands, we use them for literally everything. Often when we 'rest our wrists' it means stopping doing the things we know are direct triggers, but nothing else. But it actually means near complete rest from cooking, preparing food, petting our animal companions, holding our phone or tablet in bed or at a table, etc. This is where soft splints come in handy, they show us just how much we're using our wrists by how inconvenient they are to wear re: daily operation. As a teaching device we see quickly 'oh shit I twist my wrist badly for brushing my hair, oh shit I contort it for petting my dog behind the ears, oh shit, I've been stirring this pot at a weird angle for 10 minutes.'

Imho I don't wear splints for showering / bathroom / food. But will put it on during complete rest (which I reserve for pain + numbness flares). I will give myself about 2 days of that, and I try to treat it as seriously as a virus or flu because I don't want surgery! And obviously surgery for nerve and hand issues runs in the family.

Look into the ergonomics of the things that cause you flares. Often carpal tunnel can be exacerbated by how you hold your shoulders and elbows when you're doing the the things that cause flares. Look at whether the size of your mouse is too big for your hand (most are), look into how your wrists rest when you type on a keyboard, all of these things when adjusted for can make a big positive cumulative difference.

Getting a small Roccat Kone mouse, while expensive comparatively, stopped some of the issues in my right thumb. Because finally I had a mouse that fit my hand. (Most computer mice are designed for AMAB hands, as a result most AFAB people who use them basically long-term hurting their hands without realising - the heel of your palm should be able to rest on the mouse pad, your index and middle fingers should comfortably always be able to reach the left and right clickers without ever stretching and the thumb should rest naturally in the thumb rest if there is one. Most mice don't let the heel of the hand rest on the mouse pad without stretching for most AFAB people).

If you're using a laptop keyboard, stop as soon as you can and find a keyboard (ideally mechanical switch) that isn't high impact on your fingertips and use that. There are a lot of good, cheap bluetooth options these days. I cannot stress enough how bad laptop keyboards are for fingers and nerve issues in the hands. I type millions of words on my keyboard, I have callouses on all of my fingertips because of it. Trust me when I say you want something that will encourage your fingertips not to slam into the baseboard.

Don't get me started on if you do most of your writing on your phone. x.x The cramped positions we have to put our fingers in to both hold our phone and type is - to say the least - something younger folks get away with and older folks pay for. It's not healthy for our hands. Or wrists. Or elbows. Or shoulders. There's very few ways to make this healthy. Phones are just literally not designed to have a comfortable typing process re: cramping fingers and palms and wrists. They're designed for convenience, not carpal tunnel.

Be extremely wary of nerve flossing exercises that aren't designed for your specific issues. A lot of the Tiktok type ones are 'stretching in disguise' and can make pain worse. There's often no harm in trying them, but if the pain doesn't go away after a few days and/or gets worse, stop. I personally cultivated a curiosity atttiude. 'I'll try that for a few days and see.'

As always, professionals know more about this stuff! But make sure you're seeing hand specialists, otherwise you're likely to get more outdated information.

[whentherewerebicycles]

WAHH okay i was so scared that this nerve test was going to reveal that i've been being a huge baby and this level of pain is somehow totally normal for pregnancy carpal tunnel. but the attending doctor was like WHOA and could not believe i had any sensation in my hands at all given how severe the damage was. i do have permanent damage to the nerves unfortunately and i will need surgery on both wrists + physical therapy. but she said that even though some of the nerves are dying/dead, the other nerves in that area can be trained to take on the functions of the dead nerves through PT so i should be able to regain full motor and sensory function in my hands eventually ("but you're going to have to work for it"). i was also just like listen i kinda feel like i've been losing my mind because people keep telling me carpal tunnel is a normal pregnancy symptom and yet i wake up every night multiple times thinking i should go to the emergency room because the pain is so severe. and she was like this is really not normal and i am not surprised at all that you are experiencing ER-level pain given that your nerves are dying & that the onset was so acute. and that made me feel so much better like sometimes you just need someone to recognize the severity of your pain and be like yeah that is FUCKED and then you can bear it a little bit better. anyway aghhh i am a little freaked out about whether i'll be able to hold/take care of my baby (both pre-surgery when the pain is still so bad and post-surgery when i am recovering) and i am also just like oh my god how can i keep going for 16+ more days and i am also feeling a little panicky about going through labor when like, my starting level of pain is already SO high. but it is ok like at least i have some direction and some kind of end date. i am going to call my OB now to see if they can bump me up the waitlist or ideally confirm a date so i can then call the ortho surgeon to get scheduled for surgery ASAP. just need to keep reminding myself that i'm gonna have a little guy living in my house soon!!!!! enduring all of this pain will have a big payoff!!!!!

[whumpy-daydreams]

Types of surgery

Masterlist

So... you want to know about surgery. Well buckle in folks because this is just the first in an eleven part series. Enough of the humour though let's get medical. I've split this into 'categories', or how soon do you need this; and 'specialties', or what needs fixing

Categories of surgery

Elective - this is planned ahead of time, and isn't very time sensitive. also the majority of surgeries

Expedited - not life threatening but should be done asap. Includes tendon and nerve injures, some minor bone fixes, some stents and eye stuff

Urgent - needs to be done within a few hours to prevent loss of function/life. Fixing badly broken bones, perforated bowels, eye injuries, D&C (dilation and curetting)

Emergency - needs to be done immediately with threat to life or organs/limbs. Haemorrhage (loads of bleeding internally or externally), burst appendix, ruptured cancers, emergency c-sections

This is not a complete list of surgeries, and amputation can be any of these categories

There may also be extra categories at different hospitals that specify actual times. Emergency c-sections have time limits, with the most urgent needing to be started within an hour.

Surgical Specialties

Breast - pretty obvious, it's boob surgery and it's harder than you think (part of general surgery)

Cardiothoracic - treats the heart, lungs and airway, usually long surgeries with lots of equipment

Ear, nose, throat (ENT) - think tonsils, think deviated septum. I hate it. It smells bad.

Endocrine - if it's got gland in the name you're good. Think thyroid, pancreas, adrenal etc. (part of general surgery)

Gastrointestinal - deals with the stomach, intestines, colon, and rectum (part of general surgery)

Gynecology and obstetrics - treats the uterus and related reproductive organs (no penises here sorry). It can smell a little bad but not as bad as ENT

Neurosurgery - zombies love it but they got their medical licence revoked. Yep it's brain time baby (and the spinal cord but who cares about that). Known for being difficult and long

Oral and maxillofacial (maxfax) - mouth and face (not to be confused with plastic surgery, though they get involved), bones, teeth and soft tissue of the face as long as it's not ear, nose or throat.

Other general stuff - kidneys, liver, pancreas, gallbladder and random things in the abdomen

Plastic - reconstructing things. It's not always cosmetic, they make a big difference to trauma patients and also do cleft palate. Absolute perfectionists so prepare to be there for ages

Trauma and orthopaedic - bones and joints like fixing broken bones, carpal tunnels, and joint replacements. This is my favourite speciality because I think the surgeons are funnier and I like hammers

Urology - all the penises! And testicles and related reproductive system. Usually amab patients but they do treat afab patients too - everyone has a bladder

Vascular - blood tubes and lymphatic system (don't ask me to explain it please I beg you), can be really long surgeries and is usually done under a microscope

And I'm done (for now)

[buggerzz]

any product recs/stuff that makes ur life easier for a struggling disabled artist ? orz

I dont have much money so i have not bought a lot of things-

With my joint issues, it helps to wear compression stuff. Especially gloves. Trust me. Its worth it.

Generally bracing, i usually do my knees and wrist if needed. If i know im going to be standing or walking a lot, ill brace my knees. (I need to get new knee braces bc the ones i have currently are not doing what they need to)

ARTIST WISE- definitely compression gloves. If u use a tablet they are also good drawing gloves to protect the tablet from oils! If u crochet or knit or craft, theyre very helpful in preventing carpal tunnel aswell!

Always keep note of ur body! "Do my wrists need a break? Is this position ok on my knees? Am i subluxating my shoulder rn????" And other questions about breaks and positioning help me to. I also currently have my tablet and most crafts next to my bed, so if it gets especially bad i can lay down or move. Also nearby my meds lmao. Its also WAY easier to prop up my shoulders, knees, etc. And keep them from hyperextending in bed.

Also also, i have that all set up on a medical table like this. I got mine from my mom after her surgeries, but i reccomend getting a much bigger one because mine is a balancing act. Not good. GET ONE WITH WHEELS!!!! my one also pivots so i dont need to sleep with it over me or mess with it much.

I have a pain chart to assess where im at, if i pass an 8 i take a break or at LEAST grab my heat pad/pain meds.

I also keep water handy!! If i need meds or if im cramping/spasming it helps me to drink water.

Other tips i have are getting a stool to sit on in the shower! A shower chair would be better, but i share my bathroom with 3 other people and also. Money. So i dont have one currently. Also for showers- if it's harder for you to do hygeine because of your physical OR mental state, you can brush your teeth in the shower. Do it before washing, but like. Its better than not brushing, and when thats all you can do, do it. Also also, having something IN the shower to hold on to- sitting or standing, can also help. I have water guards and those have saved my skull TOO MANY TIMES. also showers help my brain and my body! The water temperature can act as an all over heating pad or ice pack and help with pain.

I love showers they are my best friend. Sad? Get in the shower. Hurt? Into the shower!!!

Heat pads help me, other people react well to heat. See if pain meds can help, but i only really take mine when im at an 8-10 because im paranoid about medicines.

Physical therapy ofc, its been helping me a bit. My place is pretty affordable too! Got lucky with that.

The only other thing I recommend is a rolling chair. If you have mobility issues or your knees hurt too bad to walk, but wheelchairs/mobility aids are too expensive, a rolling chair can work in the house. It's hard to go over bumps, but it's possible. My chair is ALSO broken !!! The back broke off because we've had it for 6+ years. Generally stools and chairs are good. Also just recognizing that you can do a decent amount of stuff while sitting helps. Just ,, sit.

Obv actual mobility aids are BETTER, but I dont have access to them so I make do!!!

Food wise, it can be SOO much easier to eat convenience meals (microwave stuff, sandwiches, etc) and if thats all u have to work with, its better than nothing! But i do reccomend having leftovers when you cook. Microwave that and its usually healthier and tastier and just as easy and non-physically taxing.

I also like to work ahead whemever possible. On good days i will prepare EVERYTHING needed for any physically hard task i have coming up. If i need a checklist or tasklist or a bag of items or to find something i lost, ill do that when its easiest.

ANYWAYS THAT WAS LONG. TLDR: rolly chairs, bed tables,compression gloves & other compression stuff, joint braces, topical treatments, pain meds, stools for the shower & other items for shower safety. HEAT PADS /ice packs

Actions: regular physical checkins, sit down more, do pt if possible, roll around the house, shower more, keep water handy, make extra leftovers for later, shower more, do what u can WHEN u can, prop up/support any loose joints with pillows.

[etesienne]

random anecdote idk I have a knee-jerk disdain reaction to people who self-diagnose because when I was in highschool I developed a synovial cyst on my wrist and it hurt so bad that a surgery was scheduled to remove it. in the meantime I wore a brace or some elastic bandage to immobilize my wrist. then a girl in my circle of friends decided that it was awesome and cool or something so she started to wear a bandage on her wrist too, claiming she suffered from carpal tunnel syndrome because she drew so much. so people in our class thought we were both cringe attention-seeking losers, even though I could show the cyst the anyone who asked. and then the year after, I had my surgery and didn't need the bandage/brace anymore. and she stopped wearing hers too and never mentioned her carpal tunnel syndrome ever again.

[faithhopeloveandtherapy]

H, the baby and I are visiting my parents. H is “working from [my parents] home” and the baby and I are just hanging out with my family. Yesterday we called in to see my sister and hubs and then pick my nephews up from school. Today we’ve seen the first lambs of spring in the fields, and the baby’s heart is full after spending the afternoon chasing a steam train from one station to another, watching it come and go.

My parents are getting older and despite their reasonable good health, little things are adding up. My dad has had carpal tunnel surgery in both wrists in the last two months, but sadly it hasn’t resulted in an improvement in his hand movement on either side. My mum broke her wrist in the snow and ice before Christmas and is out of a cast now but still struggling with pain and stiffness. So I thought I should come and be present and supportive. We’ve also just booked to take them with us to Cornwall in the summer. My sister says two weeks away with them is very brave of us… I am kind of hoping they’ll do their own thing a bit and be happy to just potter and hang out. It can’t be too bad surely??

I think I’ve made my peace to a large extent with the emotional abuse and neglect of my childhood (my therapist says that’s what it was). I’m better at separating myself from their relationship - if not instinctively, I can at least do it rationally in my head and that helps my emotions to align. I think my dad has mellowed too and recognised his own frailties, he now needs others help here and there and I think that keeps him from being quite the all-powerful patriarchal figure he liked to imagine himself as in the past. Having worked through it all in therapy, I feel like I am in a better place to see their good points and cope with their bad points and maintain my own sense of self, rather than pretend they are perfect and any struggles I have are because I am somehow inadequate.

[babithyn]

babi diary ???

Febuary 10th, 2024

tw~ed

Hi everyone:) So i got some updates And some b0d3ch3k’s at the bottom:)

So Bad news first. im still fluctuating between 221lbs and 224lbs. I also got prescribed latuda which i have to eat a minimum of 300cal with otherwise it wont work and i have to take it at night. That’s a triple fuck me right there. I also might have a bulging disk in my back and carpal tunnel in my wrist, which both require surgery to fix. Another fuck me. And they keep me from walking and picking things up. Which not only sucks because i need to be active, but worse of all it makes it difficult to take care of my daughter. She’s a big baby (btw!!! she just turned 3months on the 7th!!!) she’s almost 16lbs which makes picking her up extremely difficult. My back screams at me and my wrist makes my hand give out on me. So yea thats like a huge slap of “go fuck urself babityn” to the face ya know.

But good news is that I got prescribed adderal for my adhd and it keeps me from eating a shit ton during the day. My appetite is barely existent if im honest with you. If i didnt have to eat with the latuda i could probably go 48h of fstin no problem.

Like, since i got prescribed the adderal ive legit only eaten one mean a day. Granted, its an actual meal. im at my daughter’s fathers house helping him take care of her. he picks up some extra shifts at work to pay bills at the house we started renting together and for our daughters necessities. and if i dont eat the food he gets me he will get mad. btw i only ask for one thing (if i ask for nothing he also gets upset) but i always end up with way more than wat i ask for.

btw he be giving me hella mixed signals and im not here for it honestly. i still love him but he fucked up and im still ✨hurt✨ :’)

other good news is i got a knew box mod! Im not spending as much money on disposables and im less hungry with it. Box mods with saltnic hit more like cigs and i used to be a smoker for a good while.

anyways here are the b0d3ch3ks. am i still absolutely ginormous yes is there at least a slight difference??? honestly cant tell tbh. but goddamn pregnancy ruined my body. i got stretchmarks galore AND an overhang??? kmn omfg:’)

242lbs/109.8kg 224lbs/101.6kg

oh and here’s my stomach when i was 18wks pregnant and i was just staring to show:’) twas kinda skinny:’)

174lbs/78.9kg

[meowm1x]

it's been almost 4 years of constant hand and wrist pain. getting a steroid injection for the carpal tunnel did relieve some of it but it's still here and it's getting bad again :')

i might need to save up for private care or surgery... the NHS just keep making me do the same exercises that arent helping and havent even done any scans, and im scared at this point i have some kind of scar tissue problem or something. im at the "wants to gnaw my arm off like a wild animal caught in a trap" type pain again and i dont know how much more i can take. but also, it's not like im rollin in cash right now either...

[noonegetsleftbehind]

i debated saying anything, or talking about this at all. i know it's super personal and a very touchy subject and one that a lot of people shy away from or even hide. it's frowned upon to talk about and, for some, i know it's triggering to see it talked about it, but i kept thinking of one thing....

so, if seeing or discussing this is triggering to you? i understand. i get it. look away and don't click the readmore if discussing heavy mental illness topics and struggles/mentions of self-harm and suicide are something that you cannot handle. that is so valid and you need to keep yourself safe. skip this post and read the next and know i love you.

please understand that i am not looking for pity or for judgment. i am simply being transparent and real. i am advocating for mental health and for others that may be struggling too.

i will not go into much detail on what my bad news was. just know that it means another very crushing blow to my already non-existent self-worth and our financial status. it was such a crushing blow that it pushed me off an edge i had barely been hanging onto from months worth of physical health issues (christ i have had 3 surgeries since december and been in and out of the hospital.) it's been hard. it's been real hard and this was something i had put a ton of fucking work into and fought like hell for for over a year all for... nothing. all to be de-humanized and be forced to question what my worth at all is anymore or why i'm even here or why i should bother to keep going at all.

i won't lie. it got dark. it's still dark. i'm still struggling. it caused me to spiral into a near catatonic dissociation. i spent all day in bed crying before i just sat staring and out of it. all my brain could even think of was how much i wished i was dead. it's still there. i still question why i'm here, but i'm getting to the part where that gets a little bit better.

this is not a new fight to me. it's not. i had a complete, ugly mental breakdown in feb of 2020. jesus, february is a shitty month for me historically. i broke while at work - my job that i thought was going to be the career of my life and at the time i was going to college to further my study in. too much stress and too many years of masking and pushing everything away and ignoring...things i hadn't even realized i was doing.... and it was like someone had built a fucking damn around niagra falls. everything came rushing out all at once. these are things i am still trying to even begin to process. and when you snap, find yourself under a desk screaming and crying and trying to claw at your face at work? you don't come back from that. you don't get to stay at that job. my dreams and plans for the future washed away that night.

i didn't give up then. i went into intensive outpatient after several hours in a ward. i spent nearly 4 months in near daily several hours therapy and this was in the heart of the pandemic. it was at this time that i started attempting to finally transition. in the midst of everything, i was denied hrt for health reasons which only set off my shitty feelings and body image more. i closed myself back off and went non-binary again and convinced myself i didn't fucking deserve to live my life as the right goddamn gender and i needed to just accept and live life as a cis-woman. spoiler alert? that shit doesn't work. it will eat you alive.

i attempted to get jobs again. i had a seasonal job that i lost in jan of 2021. i got another job that i was placed in while working with a state vocational program. that one worked out well. it wasn't a fancy or great job by any means, but it was one i could do and could make money from. my boss was nice and i found parts of it interesting, but can you guess where this is going? my health popped back up. first i broke the scar tissue in my right hand where i had carpal tunnel surgery in 2020. then i got a concussion. then, out of nowhere, i started getting violently ill and was in and out of the ER like 4 times in 2 weeks for the worst pain i have ever felt. basically? my gallbladder went to fucking shit. i had to have it removed. in order to do that? they made me quit my job and come back when i was cleared post op to lift again.

i went back to the job. it didn't last long until a mishap with the pharmacy caused me to be off my meds for 5 days. this caused me to have a black out episode where i have no idea how i got there or why i was doing it but i was in the bathroom cutting myself. again. another trip to the psych er. they corrected the med issue and i got to go home. the takeaway from this? please please please please do NOT fuck around with your meds. don't just stop taking them. it's dangerous as shit. take care of yourselves.

i was fine for about a month until more stresses started to come back at me one after the other. they were piling up and i was breaking more and more. i admit it. i have next to none stress tolerance. i can't deal with change, especially sudden and a lot. i can't deal with blow after blow. i literally cannot process it or cope. it sucks and it sounds like i'm just being dramatic or a baby, but i mentally and physically just... can't. it's debilitating.

i found myself walking back home from a doctor's appointment and my ideations were running rampant. the next thing i knew, i started to make a move to walk into traffic. luckily, my brain pulled me back out of it and i damn near ran the fuck back home to tell my wife i was not okay and i needed to go to the er. this time? landed me in a full week of inpatient stay. that entire ordeal caused even more ptsd than i already have. it was traumatic as fuck and took me MONTHS of working with my therapist weekly on to even begin to process. it sucks, it does, but the mental health system is broken as fuck. a place like that should have been helpful and healing to me in a time like that, but it was anything but. it just kept me alive and i suppose that was part of the point and good enough.

by the time i was released, i had lost my job. they didn't even fire me to my face. just told my wife. the end of that year was... not good. nor was the beginning of 2022. i took the opportunity to go ahead and get my other wrist operated on for carpal tunnel and got both elbows (cubital tunnel) done in january and march of 2022 as well.

it was around this time-ish last year that my body image issues started to tank. my dysphoria was so bad i wouldn't even look in a mirror. i hated myself. everything about myself. the body i saw was not me and and i could not continue long that way. i met who became my closest friend and ally in this time. with his help and support.... i fought to fully transition. I literally do not know where I would be without him and I hope he knows that and how much he means to me. i came out publicly and socially completely and in july i finally got to start T. i am just over 7 months in and in may i have my consult for top. i'm getting there.

you would think this would mean i was finally happy and things should be good, right? while i am on a journey that has been a lifetime in the making and am changing daily and week to week closer to my true self? it's a very slow and long process. especially in a time like now when the rights of trans and lgbtqia+ people are constantly being threatened and challenged. it's scary and it's a struggle daily to be who i am. there are a lot of challenges that come with this and it is not an easy road and anyone who thinks we just up and choose to be this way can eat shit and fuck right off. nobody would choose this kind of pain and struggle.

to top that off... in case all of this wasn't clear? i have a giant list of things diagnosed and wrong with me. cptsd, ptsd, mood disorder, severe treatment resistant depression, anxiety disorder, borderline, gender dysphoria, panic attacks etc. these are things that don't just disappear. it means i still go to weekly therapy. it means i keep having to adjust to and come off meds and start new ones etc. it is a constant trial and error and a constant fight to keep going and be able to be better and just be okay. some days i'm fine and some days i'm not. sometimes i can be fine one moment and not the next. this is the nature of the beast.

so that brings us to now. once again... too many stresses.... too many blows one right after another snapped me. i broke and this time the difference is i knew it. i could feel it happening and see all the signs. the positive light here? in recognizing this, i knew i needed to fight like hell. i needed to get help. i knew i couldn't do this by myself. i can't keep going like this. so, i took the steps necessary yesterday to get in touch with my therapist and the location that handled my inpatient stay to get an assessment. this was so fucking hard to do because you run the risk of them saying you need to go inpatient. i took the risk because i knew i couldn't do this alone. bad things would happen.

so, that brings me to where we're at now. after being discussed with the psych on call, my assessment was recommended i do partial hospitalization. php is basically as intensive and the same thing as inpatient except you get to go home at the end of the day. this is the best possible outcome for me. i am scared shitless and it's a huge change and my social anxiety and ptsd for being back in the facility are through the fucking roof. i start monday. i'll be there monday-saturday 8am-3pm basically for 2-4 weeks. after that time, i will more than likely be moved into intensive outpatient for another 4-8 weeks. but you know what? i'm committed. i want to learn. i want to get better. i want the fucking help. it's not going to cure me, but it can damn well help me. that's all i want. (it's also breaking my heart that i now have to miss my best friend's wedding because i can't get out of the hospitalization. once i'm in, i'm in. it breaks me and i know he understands, but i wanted to be there for him and with him and it was important to me, but this can't be helped and i know that. it still hurts.)

so... that's my story. that's where i am. every day is a struggle, but right now... the struggle is damn near impossible. it is excruciating and it is draining of almost all of my emotional/mental/physical spoons/capacity. it makes daily life hard to even get through the day, it makes talking with people like i normally do extremely hard and it makes having enough brain power to be on here and get to anything substantial a crapshoot. some moments i can do it and have a lot of muse and feel the need to distract and writing has always been my favorite coping tool. but i just can't guarantee. i can't make promises about my activity and i hope that's understood and okay at this point. just know i WANT to be here. just know i am TRYING.

again... let me reiterate that i am not looking for pity in all of this. i'm not. honestly? i hope this HELPS at least one of you. i hope it shows you that sometimes it is okay to not be okay. it sucks, but it doesn't make you broken, even when it sure as fuck feels like you are. i hope it inspires someone to get help. i hope it makes someone remember to take their meds. i hope it lets someone know they are NOT alone. i hope it reminds someone to check in on a friend/love one. i hope it nudges someone to come out and be themselves and fight for who and what they are. why do you think i resonate with chris so much? why i love him so much? he fights. he never fucking gives up. no matter what. he grits his teeth together and he fights for himself and everyone he cares about.

"No one gets left behind. Not on my watch."

be kind to yourselves. know that you can always talk to me if you need to. if i have the spoons i will be here to listen and help if i can. know you are not alone. and most importantly?

remember that everyone behind one of these blogs that you're writing with or following... everyone on the street you see... we're all fighting our own invisible battles. you never know what someone is going through. you never know the struggle they're hiding. be kind to people, especially your fellow RPers. respect each other. lift each other up. befriend and love each other. nourish each other's creativity and hobby. stop fucking being so quick to break each other down.

mental illness is just as valid as physical illness.... you just can't SEE it. it's time to start treating it that way. it's time to stop looking down on people for what you don't understand. be glad you fucking don't if you haven't had to experience this shit then you're lucky. listen. be kind. learn. advocate.

Love, J

[ineffablehogwash]

Sure this'll just call on an empty cavern, but in case even one person has any input-

Do people still have luck with random folk contributing to gofundmes?

I'm in increasingly desperate need of carpal tunnel surgery (as well as bad dental work) that's quoted at a few grand all together, that of course I don't have, after insurance, and I don't know what to do before I loose my hands.

I've done everything I can to help it at home, with the stretching, massaging, resting, braces, hot, cold... yet every day I can't hold a pencil or a needle, or paint brush, crochet hook, bobbins... for more than 5 minutes, and it wakes me up all night.

I'm so miserable not being able to do my hobbies or function normally, consistently...

I have seen carecredit, but it didn't offer enough, I am insured, but that's what I'd have left to pay after that coverage.

I keep thinking, "oh ill try to make some stuff to sell or whatever" then start crying cause I can't.

My hands are half numb typing this out now.

Anyway, are gofundmes still worth doing?

[wwpia]

A reference for FozzyWozzy that I actually like? And am… maybe a little proud of??? 👉👈

Trying hard to get better at drawing humans, I think it shows?? Maybe??

Ugh he so cute I love him. I draw him waving so no other reason than to show off his paler palms. Which are also very cute owo

He surprisingly doesn’t have any real big scars of note other than his top surgery scars and the scars on his wrists/ankles/neck from the silver restraints that were placed on him. Not for lack of being injured, but I figure werewolves are actually pretty hardy when it comes to injuries (plus modern medicine AND magical aid?).

That said he does acquire a pretty dramatic gunshot wound scar. It is fairly big for a bullet wound but that’s more because it was silver and the surgeons had to open him up TOOT-SUITE in order to stop him bleeding to death.

His writing is um… yeah lol. He is fairly unacademic but it’s also more to do with the scars on his wrists causing a kind of… pretty bad carpal tunnel syndrome. (Oof, don’t I know ALL about carpal tunnel.) So… he uses dictation a lot! Which makes for… interesting paperwork done by him on account of computer probably being like ??? With his Yorkshire accent.

This is actually kind of one of the earlier bonding points for Faustus and Sydney with Syd being really frustrated with Faustus.. either lack of paperwork, ‘badly’ typed out reports, indecipherable writing or his use of dictation reading as unprofessional. This ends up in a massive argument with Sydney being er… kind of out of line mean. Faustus ends up being genuinely really hurt by this, but it does get resolved once they both got their heads out of their butts long enough to actually communicate lol. Later Sydney just helps Faustus to dictate more effectively and Faustus helps Sydney to just… chill the hell out man. Like no one needs a TL;DR wall of text that will never be looked at again.

LATER later… Sydney is pretty much the only person (apart from his own mother) that Faustus allows to touch/hold his bare wrists.

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok saw the OB and she was pretty concerned about the hand pain… said some level of carpal tunnel is very normal in pregnancy but this is outside the bounds of what she’d expect. I will start steroids for two weeks and then she’s going to try to get me into this occupational therapist who does some kind of ultrasound treatment that is supposed to help with short-term relief. bad news is I guess not all cases resolve at birth and there’s some chance I’d need surgery in the six months after the baby arrives 🫠 but I’m not gonna spiral about it I’m hopeful that the steroids will buy me a couple more weeks although it seems like if the shots didn’t help the pills might not either :( but NO SPIRALING YET I will exhaust my options first!!!!!

[tryslora]

state of the Tris

Some quick hits...

I had surgery last Friday (carpal tunnel, right/dominant hand). It's not as bad as my left hand was, but it's still really tough to type and starting back to work (from home) has made it really really achey.

This week is aro week and this is just a reminder that Commit to the Kick features Alaric as the POV character. He comes to figure out that he is demiromantic through the course of the book, while also dealing with football, taekwondo, anger management, learning how to college, and the beginning of a possible apocalypse (minor shit, y'know). You can read it serialized on Tumblr, or buy the ebook at Duck Prints Press.

My writing is pretty minimal right now because of the aforementioned surgery. Just getting through the day job is hard, and I've learned I need to take more icing breaks. Hopefully I'll be getting back in the groove end of next week once the stitches are out.

The good news is once my hand is back in use, I should be able to write longhand without it taking random naps. It'll likely cramp up a bit for the first while (my left did) BUT this is fantastic news for plotting. I'm hoping it'll help break the barrier between me and the next PHU 'verse novel.