#i need a *** so badly i cant be without one
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honestly this bastille merch drop is the most alive ive felt in years. actually good designs for once? bad blood jacket switcheroo?? dispatching over a month early even though they were presales???? accidentally printing taylor swift lyrics instead of bastille lyrics???????
#personal#and thats without the general typos and plagerism :/#it just keeps going hire a new team babe im begging#i need the taylor swift one to be real so badly like that is so funny how did they even do that 😭#maybe its cause i didnt actually buy any but ive been on bastille twitter bastille facebook bastille reddit#looking for all the gossip im obsessed#imma just wait for the twlitf one to go on sale or find it on depop i cant be dealing with those prices 🙃
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Absolutely love your art. I want to nom it.
Also, Hollow Heads Siblings my beloveds,,,
Theyre the doomed siblings ever its not even funny
#Oouugh i have thoughts abt the hollowhead siblings. How theyre so intricately tied to eachother since their birth but they'd be#Eachother'd downfall. Esp when it's Dark and his relationship with the others#Dark would never understand what chosen went through. Mainly bc i think chosen is used to fighting his internal battles on his own#While he was in captive as an ad blocker. He loves Dark. He's grateful for Dark bc without him he wouldn't be free#But Dark isnt exactly someone reliable enough for Chosen to get the necessary healing he wants and needs#But that won't stop Dark from trying to fix him. Creates the virus for revenge. As chosen watches his brother spiral and spiral#As he watches him drift further away. Unable to get him back without a shouting match. As he watches with his heart heavy and cracked at-#Their stiffed interactions and strained relationship. He can't remember a time where they shared geniune laughs.#Then tsc coming came and changed everything.#Because this is someone who went through Chosen's pain albeit a lil differently. Someone who knows. Someone who /understands/. And this-#Someone is so much more younger than them and had to go through that pain in such a short amount of time since their birth#He sees himself in them. And he's rather walk up to alan demanding to get his hands cuffed than let tsc fester in that pain.#So tsc became chosen's priority. Healed eachother in many ways than one and are at echother's beck and call if need be.#As for Dark. I think he'd manipulate tsc into using him for his revenge. After stalking out his code and finding out about his potential#And TSC cant help but fall for his manipulations. Since this person is very very important to Chosen and they want so badly to impress-#Them both. They agreed and overtime grew to love eachother. And overtime Dark shifted his goals just a tad bit. Getting TSC more and more-#Involved. Since hey if Chosen doesn't like touching alan with a 10 ft pole why not let this kid do. And TCS agrees to this thinking that-#This is it. This is can finally heal them completely. Finally out of sight and out of mind. Finally can't live without the pain lingering#And chosen watches them with a sense of deja vu. At loss at what to do and so so afraid to lose two of his lil siblings#Then shit hits the brick UBSJDBSJSN#They make me so ill im not even kidding when i said theyre so so very very doomed!!!!!!!!!#This is abt the au btw BAHHAHAHABHA
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#Seven's Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#can i go more than a fucking week without having my cptsd triggered again? pLEASE???#me and my haywire nervous system can't ever catch a fucking break i swear to god#at least i managed to get the Matt fic posted before that happened and ruined my night#literally three minutes after i hit post. something has to happen IRL and ruin my slight good mood. sigh. anyways#my chest still feels tight but my focus is coming back i think. lets hope the rest of the night is uneventful#anyways. uh. positives. got the Matt fic posted on here And Ao3! yay. after working on it the last two evenings it's officially done#i know i put way too much effort into my fics especially ones that will get very little readership but eh i can't help it#time spent doing something you enjoy is never time wasted or however the saying goes#uh oh. the stress injury in my neck is starting to feel tight again. that's probably not a great sign#i should try to relax. been sitting at my desk too much recently and my back's mad abt it too#i would unwind with some Genshin exploration grinding or smthn but that's just more desk sitting time#so hm. animal crossing in bed it is then#watch me say that then spend the next 3 hours on tumblr#i cant help it i want to update my pinned posts and fill my queue up some more#and i have some drafts to work on... still need to finish that Sun & Moon appearance guide for ES#maybe i'll pull an all-nighter. i need to fix my sleep schedule again. like badly. but then i risk a migraine. aaggghhhhhh#anyways this has been Venting and Bad Decision Making 101 thabks for coming to my TED talk#oh hey look at that i got a like on the Matt fic. mood slightly improved. thank u whoever u r <3
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The Flowerheart!
(purposely didn't colour in Feli's tie and Hal's glove, it's like they're subtly trying to match :3 while also seemingly missing a piece of one another). Honestly though, in regards to Hal's sexuality, he's like that one tweet: "I'm probably nonbinary but I have a job so idrc bout that rn." He's definitely queer, but he's too busy with getting in danger his job to even bother with that so he just gets the queer label!
Neither of them confessing orz... They love each other so much yet neither of them are confessing... Hal being overprotective of Feli but in a way where it isn't even all that known by anyone but Feli and her the people really close to them. Hal doing his job is half-wanting to keep their city safe and half-wanting to keep Feli from any harm. He aint letting anyone hurt her that's for sure.
Relationship chart is made by @bengallemon !
#ariart#ariaoc#taking my weekly or so dosage of drawing my own ocs to get used to drawing em so i can draw em easily without the Demons#aka the nagging voice at the back of my head shouting at the fact that they arent as perfect as i see em in my head. only with my ocs smh#hal being a gift giver in the sense of ''i dont really need these so you can have them'' even tho he really purposely got those for feli#and feli doing acts of service in the sense of ''its part of my job to do this so just stay put'' even tho she wont do that for anyone else#ngl doing this made me sad cuz am made even more aware just how badly i set these two up. like they love each other sooo much#but cant even show it freely at all! they always gotta give out excuses to make it seem like it isnt purposely directed at the other#and not even in a tsundere way! cuz if it was up to them theyd be so publicly open bout their love for one another but its just#that the very world theyre living in is just so harsh that they both know it. hal cant show any weakness and he doesnt wanna#endanger feli and feli knows that too! she doesnt wanna endanger hal any more than hes alrdy constantly endangering himself#so the both of em just... puts the other within arms reach. even farther than that too! AND ITS SO SAD!#its like romeo and juliet but instead of opposing family conflicts its the entire world being the biggest danger there is#so the most selfish act feli and hal can do is keep their love for one another trapped within their own hearts#with only the silence between them their only means of communicating their ''i love yous'' cuz the world is too cruel
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"I deedn't mean it..."
#ren and stimpy#ren & stimpy#rempy#my crap art#ok for context i saw this image on another blog i have no idea what fandom or anything but it totally fit this hc i have wherein R&S get#into a fight and Ren tells Stimpy theyre better off without each other amongst some other cutting comments ie better off dead etc and then#Ren gets hit by a car and has one of those lucid medical coma dreams a la a christmas carol and laments his shitty behavior and wants to#tell stimpy so badly how much he needs him and he cant he just cant#i make myself cringe#hes not dead that would kill me literally
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God, this is fucking crazy
So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.
Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?
I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.
I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.
It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.
So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha
#speculation nation#im literally shaking with nerves rn but i want this so so so badly#i remember. how to play. my arms are just so much stiffer than they used to be. and my nails. man im gonna have to trim my fucking nails#at least my left hand. kinda sucks bc i like the polish i have on rn but u cant have any long nail at all for violin.#i need to play two scales of my choosing. ascending and descending in three octaves.#recommended for violin is A C or E-flat major. of course i know A and C but i'd have to look up E-flat. never did much with flats in school#then again i have that One Two Three and a Half rhythm Down. thats how id often warm myself up.#start with the base G string and just do a scale up and down (one octave). go up to the next note. do it again.#again and again until i started running out of room on the E string. & if i was Real motivated maybe id start shifting to continue.#so all id need to do is find the E flat and id be good. it all follows the same pattern.#the harder challenge will be the solo or etude. 2-3 minutes in length. only *one day* to prepare.#i have NO IDEA what id even play. i'll look in my old sheet music to see if theres anything that might work#simple enough for me to relearn on such short notice. and interesting enough to be played solo#(since i was always in orchestras it's not always the best for solo playing. tho i was also first violin section a lot#which is Basically the same as playing solo lmaooo)#if i cant find anything i do have a few sheet music books i could look in. id hate to play smth too simple#but better simple and Right than trying to do something above my current skill level.#which IRKS ME bc once upon a time i was the 4th best violinist in my high school. out of nearly 2k students.#but thats what happens when u go years without consistent practice :p ur arm gets Stiff.#im. still nervous but also thinking about the music is making me EXCITED.#it's going to be a wild time prepping for this thing but itll be over in like 5 mins and i dont even have to worry about Passing#so long as i *do it* i should get into something. i just need to push myself. do it. get out there. *play your violin*#i already cried in a public bathroom for 10 mins today and im feeling emotional Again.#not quite crying emotional tho thankfully. just. i feel like i need to climb onto a rooftop and SCREAM!!!! but like in a good way.#so so so nervous but itll be so so so worth it. i could be in an orchestra again. finally. finally finally finally.#and i STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT.....!!!! hfkahfks today has been. a DAY.#just. keeps going through my head. i could be in an orchestra again. i could be in an orchestra again. at least one more time.
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I am crumbling I AM CRUMBLING
…I just…
I’ll go for Blade’s lightcone just so I can finally have Kafka, but after Kafka, I’m saving to eventually have E6S5 Blade, I just need at least one of her
But the urge to just go for him fully is so strong
Also holy shit, Dr. Ratio?? For free?? AND THEY MADE IT MATCH HIS LORE/PERSONAL VALUES??? That is genuinely so genius what the hell, he’s quickly becoming a fav
#hsr being iconic with its separate favtions#either blessed by or following the same aeons and all the overlap#i need to fully catch up on simulated universe lore/aeon lore bc OH MY GOD#i might just never shut up once I do#easily one of the best world building elements of hsr and I just adore all of the overlap and conflicting factions#all of the ways people can be related to the aeons and their paths without any like region or location lock#its all across the universe babeeyyy#also yeah uh#i am not gods strongest soldier#blade is tempting me so badly#im almost like ‘do i really need kafka?’#but the answer is yes#i just might want more blade more#someone needs to help me stay strong#i need like a stray bottle to keep me from wasting all my wishes#ALSO#NOT SURE WHEN THE FORGOTTEN HALL CHANGED#WHY IS IT THE SEDITION OF IMBIBITOR LUNAE#They want me to go crazy#i cant see anything related to the hcq or im gonna foam at the mouth#im already in a very sensitive state and STILL SICK how could they do this to me#anyways#i feel insane#theres a lot happening in my brain right now#hsr#honkai star rail#hsr blade#dr. ratio
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im still lonely but im pushing thru it
#like i cant think or talk abt how isolating it is and how i missed my formative years only to be bullied by actual children#bc if i do i will cry. i cant talk about how once again my classmates parents have judged without knowing me and are banning their kids from#interacting with me. it isnt new. but i used to not be alone thru all that and now i have no one. i feel pathetic bc im important to no one#im desperate to be codependent. ik its bad but i just want to be understood by someone who needs me as much asi need them bc i never had tha#ive never been the first priority. i want to be so badly. theres so much love inside me and i need to let it out to someone but im paralyzed#by my own fear#nydia vents#nydias post
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please i am literally begging u to listen to null's ai wo
youtube
everything about it is like perfection to me. the atmosphere the sadness & distance & vague hazy feeling from the music, the scratchiness in the art & the font they chose looks like scribbling on paper, the pose she's in she's been hurt & nothing makes enough sense to trust, the singing is just so so fitting the whispery type like its hard to say or admit & the octaves & pacing its just EXACTLY right singing this song feels so fucking good bc it expresses it exactly how someone would. and god the fucking lyrics. i will not be posting a translation despite having one finished for that purpose bc its just too close to home for me. theres songs that have certain lines u cling to bc u feel them. theres maybe 2 lines in this song i dont. thank u null i will be crying forever. for anyone who doesnt understand its not about death or self harm its about isolation & misunderstandings & lack of connection between people. by far not the darkest song out there but that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. idk. most underrated song in existence to me. this is THE teto sv song for me literally no other song will ever be able to stand up to it.
#top link is the nnd post btw#if they ever take this down & i cant link it to people i'll lose my mind#i have it saved personally bc i dont think i can live without it anymore but i still need others to appreciate it too#i want. so badly to give u a lyric that i like but trying to choose one has me frozen in place so im not going to do it sorry#if i did not hate the recording & editing process so much i would have posted a cover of this already#i just. again. cannot overstate what this means to me.#but i also cannot just state it. do not perceive me. u dont need to know me.#Youtube
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sometimes i hate that i'm what would probably be considered a high functioning depressed person because i can take care of myself without too much issue beyond exhaustion/executive dysfunction... but that's only because i've had no choice for long so now people in my life who arent really involved dont understand that i'm struggling because it doesnt look like i'm struggling since i'm still doing things i need to get done!!!
there's this expectation that i should be able to work more hours and do more things because i dont have to take care of my mom anymore, and while that's true it does open up the options, they dont seem to understand that i'm fucking exhausted and i'm still in survival mode... like that doesnt just turn off now that she's gone...
#and then i have these expectations put on me that i should be working full time. so then i feel like a bum that i'm not pushing towards#that for myself but i just cant make myself even look for a new job because the idea of having to get adjusted to a new environment n all#that comes w it is so daunting and exhausting. even if i'm being treated badly at my current job the familiarity lessens the burden#even if one of the AM's is constantly making jokes about firing me and that i'm not needed and they would be fine without me#sometimes i feel like such a stupid bastard for complaining about how hard this stuff is when theres like a literal genocide happening#across the ocean from me - but my problems will continue to exist regardless i guess???#idk how people feel anymore about using high/low functioning depression ive seen some people#say its out of date and some people say its fine so whatever this is my vent post#personal
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once again asking begging for a rival
#like fuckkk#i wanna beat someone up and get beat up by someone. but like. erotically but not? yknow????#i want to be treated wholely as a person and hated for no reason. i just want to hate someone and be mean to someone without reason#i want to not be treated like a delicate little flower for once! i want to be able to show my emotions insted of constantly repressing them!#i want to get bloody noses and broken lips and black eyes and bruises to litter my body not from my own direct doing#i want to be on the same level with someone. on the same level enough to be able to hate eachpther but take care of eachother#i want to love the hate i could have for someone#or just fuck- i want to be treated either as a person or as something wholely not. one or the other just not pityed#hate being soft spoken and frail and get talked over and just constantly feel like a girl in worst ways#i want to cry and be angry with someone that can cry and be angry with me#i cant love but fuck if i dont want smth close to it. am have soft sweet amazing boyfriend but at same timd i just.#i want to hurt someone and have someone hurt me just to feel something more. i keep saying this but i wish when i wasnt programed#by government to be convinient for them. to be convinient to those around me. i want to feel and be angry again.#i have a right to be upset for everything thats happened to me and those i care for and should be allowed to say it.#fuck man- i just want someone to kick me when im down physically and be there for me silently when neex#need someone to punch me for being a doofus. fuck fuck i just want someone that will treat me like a equal on a level.#i want to be hurt like im strong. i want to hit and punch and kick and be allowed to be violent#its not healthy to hold in but im forced to for others and i hate it. i like being nice i dont want to be mean#but i also just so badly want to be violent. to be able to express pain and hurt and feel like i should. like wish could. its not fair#anyways vent rambles sryyy-#vent#tw vent#in tags but yee#want to be hurt and hurt someone else on equal healthy consensual level yk?
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do u guys kno. just how much i screwed myself over
#BECAUSE I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE NORMAL?????#listen. listen. i could have just. asked to take two weeks off when i first got the job. but i was scared they wouldn't give me the job#if i told them right off the bat#and so i waited a decent amount of time to tell them. and then i was going to tell them. but i got scared thinking that they might fire me#or it would reflect badly on me and i haven't had the job for even 3 months yet and i have a performance review at the end of the 3 months#and the thing i am scared of most in the world is when people who are in positions of authority over me express disapproval#so i was just like. ok i guess i'm not going on this trip that's been planned for over a year and for my grandmas 80th#i will just be so sad and miserable about it and make it everyone else's problem#and then. and then. finally. 2 weeks left until everyone leaves for the trip and i finally bring it up to my coworkers being like#oh yea my whole entire family is going on a big trip without me and i'm rlly sad that i can't go#and they looked at me like. why cant u go? and i was like. what do u mean? cuz i'm new i don't have rights#and they were like. what is wrong with u#and i looked at them and said literally everything#listennnn there is a corporate heirarchy and i am at the bottom of the ladder#i know my place and i'm so used to groveling and begging oh my god i need to get a grip pls#am i normal#please tell me cuz i can't tell is. it normal to be this scared and frightened all the time#like. am i the only one who thinks this way.
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i'm going to fucking kill someone. i got screamed at & called selfish & stupid for telling my mom to wear a mask. she gave me covid
#& you wanna know the kicker? she's going on a vacation. yeah. she's going on a plane right now while badly sick with covid#how do i communicate with people who are literally missing their brain?#it was my sister who screamed at me btw. she feels the need to play devil's advocate whenever i open my mouth#my mom did what she always does & coughed 17 times without covering her mouth & then sat down in the livingroom to doomscroll for 7 hours#what the actual fuck is it with parents & not covering their mouths when they cough or sneeze? they straight up just spray people with covi#& then laugh about it when you point it out as if spreading the fucking plague is funny#best part is that we're pretty sure her getting covid 5 times a year because she refuses to wear masks killed her husband#not joking about that btw. all she had to say oh ''ooh yeah that would explain it''#like ??????????????????????#i didn't get the chance to go grocery shopping either so now i dont have any fresh food#if i have to eat one more frozen or processed meal i'm gonna fucking kill someone. & now i cant do that because i have basic empathy#i don't even feel right ordering food cuz like. i have to interact with someone to do that (can't pay online)#i avoid covid for this long & then get it because ''people look at you weird if you wear masks. you wouldn't get it''#bitch i'm queer. i wear queer pins. i wear a queer jacket. you're telling ME i wouldn't get receiving weird looks???#god my sister wants to be oppressed so fucking bad. i'm sorry but bitch isn't a slur & you're a fucking coward for not wearing masks#i hope you cant fucking work for weeks because of this bullshit. bitch
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having Big Feelings in the tags. you neednt read them, but you should go drink water and stretch your eyes
#makin one of those posts thats all tags bc i need to just do emotions for a sec#98% of the time i fuckin love being aroace. i like how i exist in the world and our flags fucking baller#but wooo boy that 2% of the time (my current state)#nothin makes you stare into space despondently while crying silently like knowing therenothing *wrong* w you per se#but there something fundamental to your existence that means your emotional needs will very likely never be met the way you need them to be#my roommate whom i love with my whole entire soul has their partner over whom i also love with my whole entire soul#and its making me so agonizingly jealous bc i want what they have so badly it actually literaly fucking aches in my chest#i want the banter and the cuddling and the intimacy and the love. the goodnight phonecalls and the undeniable proof that i am loved just#as much as i love and that i am a peiority in someone else's life to the same degree that i prioritize them#but i know i dont get to have that because i cant do it the way almost anybody wants#i want to fall asleep next to someone but i dont want to date. i wont do it. it makes me so uncomfortable#but without performing romance theres almsot no chance ill get to have that kind of deeply intertwined life#and like. i love my friends dearly and deeply. i vall them the loves of my life bc they are#but even those relationships wont get to be like what i want so bad. they all have or want romance and i know how that works#it doesnt matter that they love me too because when you have a partner thats the priority. i get it. its fine.#i dont mind stepping back from my friends to give them room to build the lives they want.#i jusy want somone to want to build a life with *me*#dont mind me in just tired and sad and experiencing the agonies of being 22#theres a part of me that looks at all this and just says 'maybe someday' but ive been living off nothing bu 'someday' most of my life#and im dead fucking tired of it#idk man maybe im just mentally ill and have mommy issues who knows#anyway im going to bed now#if you know me irl and you read all this 1)this is NOT meant to imply youre doing something wrong. not your fault amatonormativity is this#2) ill be fine i just need to sleep and 3) i love you more than i know how to say and i always will no matter what shape our lives take
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Gif Colouring Process | Ramking Set
There are various steps needed to adjust the colours of a gif. Good colouring can match tones of different shots, make colours look more true to life or cohesive, adjust so lighting is kinder to skintones and make scenes generally prettier to look at.
Because gifs allow for fewer colours than videos, it also involves prioritising which colours are needed in a scene and adjusting accordingly.
It can also be used for effects: subtle ones (like in like in gif 4: fading colours to highlight the focal characters in a photograph), or much more dramatic or stylised effects.
This is a tiny tiny glimpse of what gifmakers do when we refer to "colouring". 🖤
#flashing gifs cw#flashing gif cw#gifmaking#gif making#gif colouring#bee.gif#obviously I thought it would be interesting but I also wanted to highlight just how much work goes into each gif#also as a Not White gifmaker that is (mostly) giffing Not White people it's really important to me that I get the skintones right#so that's a huge factor in what makes a good gif to me#and each layer isnt just 'hit the curves button' or 'hit the selective colour button'#each layer is adjusted to that one gif specifically#unless it's from exactly the same scene and exactly the same angle you cant really copy colouring across from one to the other#you're relying on a person and a gif maker as a kind of visual artist to learn what's needed and what actually looks good#and I hate hate hate to turn this negative but it's why it's so hearbreaking when gifs are stolen or reposted without permission#and to counterpoint why its so very lovely when people reblog gifs to share them - or ask the artists to share!#There are some really great tutorials out there on how to make gifs#also gifmaking is really a easy to get into and it takes such a short amount of time to train your eye and create really lovely results#I mean it does make you go hRRRRR I COULD FIX THIS when a show or film lights something badly and doesnt fix it in post lmao#if you're a marvel gifmaker you're stronger than god btw#I justify fixing the shitty lighting in these scenes because the budget of my engineer was about 43p and a button#multimillion dollar blockbusters with teams of professional colourists should not look like that.#i digress#do not talk to me about the third gif I dont want to fucking know I dont care I never want to look at it ever again dghjksghjkrs#my worstie my behated#I was fighting for my life#I had to use red text on it as well because it dropped all the magentas out of the colour slots and it their lips went grey#like also because each gif is shown thorugh lots of iterations of colouring there are fewer colour slots overall#so the change is even MORE dramatic than what's shown here#but I made these mostly as an illustration of how much thought went into the set :)#hopefully the vibe still comes across anyway lol
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ohhh my god. my poor poor poor old fucking broken ass phone. the battery swells up like at least twice a year and i have to get it replaced and this time its swelled so much the top half of my screen like. isnt connected. like i can very clearly see into the inside of my phone theres like a good 2cm gap in there. KINDA SCARY TBH
#i gotta get it fixed i dont. want it to explode and Killed me#my sweet poor old iphone 5 i will never replace you ever#or actually its not an iphone 5 its the one that looks like a iphone 5 but has the software of some other shit#god. but i will never ever ever ever replace you baby#the day i cant repair you anymore im switching to fucking. android or something i have no idea#but i refuse so badly to have a phone without a headphone jack and with a screen so large i cant reach it#the most abysmal invention ever is those little knobs people buy to put on the backside of their phones so they dont drop them#like. why did you ever need a phone that was so big you cant even HOLD it.......... you people are insane and also so fucking stupid#i hate modern technology 👍 when my phone becomes unrepairable im getting a fucking flip phone or something
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