#i might pass out trying to write this
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grips my office desk
to the anon who suggested a mating press and a breeding kink with Yunowho......................
#fairy’s fountain dialogue#i literally can't breathe right now#the answer is yes but oh my god i'm lightheaded at the sheer IDEA#that's gonna take a little finesse to execute because sweet man is not privvy to such things...........but i'm fantastic at finessin'#so i shall make it so#And it takes A LOT to make me uncomfortable and I am not exaggerating - I work in healthcare my level of uncomfortable is near nonexistent#oh my god my heart is in my throat sweet jesus#i might pass out trying to write this#n$fw#nws
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haunting the narrative -> haunted by the narrative -> haunting the narrative -> haunted by
#adventure time#fionna and cake#simon petrikov#betty grof#petrigrof#fan art#fanart#art#digital art#my art#just a lil something something i did for fun#adventure time has always been the show that makes me want to draw (i have SO many AT drawings from 2015 it's ridiculous)#but now I'm coming back to that ye olde passion with new digital art skills and many more evil tragic thoughts (thank you fionna and cake🙏)#i couldn't get the thought about them haunting and be haunted by the narrative out of my head so I had to make some art for it#the caption for this was almost: so who wears the haunted by the narrative in the relationship?#they take turns of course because damn these guys really do be having that tragic romance huh. hot potato cursed existence#never quite on the same wavelength. always out of reach. their love the very thing that dooms them to be apart. a love defined by absences#like two ships in the night passing each other by. except they keep trying to seek the other out. and so end up going in circles#the tragic dance of madness and sadness. lead on and i shall follow. ....so anyway...these two amiright?#/might/ have to write something at some point...maybe...#because like... ghosts are my thing. and these two...well. even when they aren't haunting the narrative they are still ghosts#never let themselves live in the present and okay I'm going to stop now. enjoy the art byeeeee#...AND they'll never be at peace because they'll always be reaching for a version of each other that no longer exists and—#(i am dragged kicking and screaming from the room before i can devolve into a full blown meta)
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my little scaredy cat
request: [anon] i would love to see watching horror movies with best friend!eddie and reader instinctively grabs his arm and hides herself against him and it leads to feelings and confessions haha
warnings: none! except it's unedited, which would be scary if that wasn't 90% of my writing on here lmao
pairing: eddie x fem!reader
wc: 3.1k+
i had a lot of fun busting this one out. it's just so cute and certainly how i wish i was spending my halloween! also, rest assured, i am also eyeing the other request you submitting anon. <3 happy haunting, my friends.
This was such a stupid idea. Such a stupid, stupid idea.
You’ve always been a scaredy cat. Everyone in your friend group was well aware of it – you loved the idea of Halloween, but your poor heart just couldn’t take most of the frights that came with the eccentric holiday.
It was fine, most of the time. If anyone had the urge to plan out a day at a pumpkin patch, you were eagerly accepting the invitation. If anyone wanted to bake any sort of sweet treats laced with pumpkin spice or caramel apple flavor profiles, you were already in your car and armed with the perfect recipe to help them. Someone wanted to peruse the decoration aisles of various stores? Wait no more, the perfect shopping buddy could be found in you. You, who could handle most of the trivial and sweet aspects of the holiday. You, who divulged in the more aesthetic side of it all rather than the scary side of it.
Your distaste of being jumpscared or unnerved by gore and ghouls alike only really caused issues when it came to your best friend, Eddie Munson.
His taste in experience of the frightful time of year was entirely the opposite of yours. It’s not that he didn’t like decorating caramel apples with you or that he didn’t find your choice in decorations cute, because he did. But he liked the terrifying aspect of it all – he liked the adrenaline rush of fictional danger.
And friendship, in all its glory, is about give and take, is it not?
Compromise. That’s what he called it when he’d begged and pleaded for you to join him in a movie night. Because the moment the suggestion fell from his lips, you both knew he had no intentions of watching one of your usual festive movies that only teased about the creatures that crept through the night. PG-13 films that didn’t really do it for him. No, Eddie Munson had insisted you join him for a movie night, and you both knew exactly what kind of movie he intended to play.
You just hadn’t anticipated the scariest fucking movie you’d ever endured for the boy beside you on the couch.
“Shit!”
Your squeak is muffled over by the crescendo of creepy instrumental echoing from the small TV across the room. A cycle had quickly been found during this movie night; the movie would fall eerily silent as a tense scene arrived, you’d tense every single muscle so hard that Eddie could feel you shaking from the other side of the couch, and then once the jumpscare occurred and your small squeals were let out involuntarily, his own laughter would follow.
“Oh, come on,” he coos a little, leaning closer to the middle of the couch, still a fair distance away from your figure bundled up in blankets that were being used more as shields than anything at this point, “That one wasn’t even that bad!”
“To you!” you snap, yanking the fabric back down from your eyes only to glare at Eddie rather than look at whatever grotesque was plaguing the screen, “I’m a scaredy cat, remember?”
And oh, remember he does. In all your years of friendship, Eddie had called you that nickname more times than either of you could count. He never meant it with ill will, but it was easier to tease you than to admit just how adorable he found your small reactions.
Easier to tease than to admit just how badly he wishes you would seek protection or refuge from him during the scares he put you through.
His face falls slightly, but he doesn’t let his small grin slip up, not wanting to give himself or his twinge of guilt away, “I’m sorry, kitty cat. C’mere – I can protect you from all the big bad monsters-”
Eddie’s opened arms are only met with one of the pillows you’d stolen off his bed to make the couch more comfortable. It smacks into the center of his chest with deadly aim and ferocious power, making him let out an exaggerated oomph.
“Fuck you,” you grumble, adjusting the blanket around your shoulders now that the scare had passed. You almost tack on a comment about how he’s lucky you like him, because you would never endure this for anyone else.
Robin had tried. Steve had tried. Nancy had tried. They’d all tried to entice you in the scarier, classic Halloween experiences to no avail. Every offer of going to a haunted house, or attending the premiere of the newest horror movies at the local theater, were shot down before they even finished their sentences.
Only one person could break your staunch demeanor on your limits. And right now, you sort of hated his guts.
Eddie softens a bit, watching the way you pout and curl into yourself just a little tighter.
“Sweetheart,” he finally drops the cool guy demeanor, his voice gentle as he leans over with genuine concern, “We can turn it off, if you really want. Hell, if you want me to, I’ll put on something in your taste. Little Shop of Horrors, or maybe Beetlejuice? Those don’t usually scare you.”
The offer is enticing. But you have a point to prove.
“No,” you sit up a little straighter, square your shoulders with a little more defiance and faux bravery, “No, you wanted to watch…”
You pause, and Eddie smiles softly as he supplies the title of his film of choice, “Poltergeist.”
“Right, yes, Poltergeist. You wanted to watch it, so we’re gonna watch it.”
Your stubbornness is admirable.
Even when it falters. Even when another jumpscare has you ever so slightly scooching towards the center of the couch, no longer pressed to the opposite arm from Eddie in defiance. Even when Eddie spreads his legs casually, and you bump your knee into his thigh, the slightest touch bringing immense comfort.
Once you discover that, it all seems downhill from there.
A press of a knee against the side of his thigh turns into your side brushing his. Suddenly, the blanket you’d wielded like a weapon becomes shared. Moments where you try to hold up a barrier between your eyes and the screen cause slight disturbances in Eddie’s own vision. And then, it happens.
The thing he’d been diabolically planning for years. The one scenario he’d dreamt of every Halloween season, the one intention he’d held secretly every time he’d put your through endless scares.
The one touch that could send him into cardiac arrest.
He almost missed it, it happens so suddenly. One moment, you’re just curling up a little bit closer to him. The next, your arms fully wiggly their way around his bicep, capturing his arm in your grasp as your face buries into his shoulder. He can no longer smell the buttery popcorn or faint chocolate on his breath as you invade his space. It’s all sweet shampoo and subtle perfume that tickles his nose, skin against skin in a quick flush as he can hear the vibrations of your predictable scream against the fabric of his shirt.
You hardly seem to notice the sudden entanglement of your bodies in all your fear — your knees practically in his lap and your torso clinging onto his forearm for dear life. You’re acting on instinct, seeking out humane comfort without considering what you were doing.
When you do notice, you don’t let go, only slacken your grip.
“Oh, I-“ you stutter, pulling back slightly to look up at a stunned Eddie, “I’m sorry, that’s- I just- I was scared and-“
“It’s fine,” he cuts you off, eyes blown wide, “It’s… it’s fine.”
It’s more than fine.
His heart races in a way no horror movie or haunted house could incite. Every nerve ending tingles, everywhere his body connects to yours burning in delicious warmth. He wants to spend an eternity like this — you, curled up to him, clinging to him like your holy savior.
Years, and years, and years of wait pays off. Patience is surely virtue as those big eyes of yours look into his.
After a couple awkward beats of silence, you whisper, “I don’t think I like Poltergeist.”
Just like that, you have him laughing again. It’s slow and steady, a gentle chuckle that stirs from his chest in disbelief as he tries to thaw from his shock and yearning.
“You think?” he breathes out, tone not nearly teasing enough to cover up the shakiness.
He swears he can feel your heart pounding against his shoulder.
“Don’t be mean,” you start to scowl, slowly unfurling. But he stops you — angles his arm so you can’t slip your arms away as easily as before, tilting his head in closer.
“Mean? I could never be mean to you, my little scaredy cat.”
“You’re literally being mean as we speak-“
And so, he decides to stop speaking.
It’s impulsive and an even dumber idea than you enduring such a scary movie to be around him. But you look so fucking cute, his heart is tearing up his throat, and suddenly his lips are on yours in his largest spurt of bravery to date. Even more brave than the time he’d made himself a human shield between you and that dude with a chainsaw at the local haunted house, despite the way chainsaws actually kind of made him shit himself.
You don’t fully reciprocate at first. His lips are pressed hard against yours, tips of noses crushed and eyes fluttered shut, and he starts to believe he’s made a mistake. A terrible, terrible mistake that just washed years of friendship down the drain.
Until your hands tighten on his bicep. Until that soft squeeze comes, and it feels like he can breathe again despite sharing the air with you.
He breaks away for just a second, “I-“
“Don’t be mean,” you repeat your earlier words with entirely new meaning now. He opens his eyes and finds yours already pleading up at his face, glossy and desperate, movie forgotten.
Those hands once squeezing his bicep let go and move to the collar of his t-shirt. Normally, he’d make a comment about you stretching it out, deforming the perfect fit that took him ages to wear in, but he can’t be bothered to feel anything but delight when you’re tugging him back in for another kiss.
And the last thing he wants to be is mean. So he kisses you kindly, kisses you with all the care in the world that he had buried beneath his skin since the day he met you. Kisses you like it could scare away all the monsters that wait in the shadows. Like he’d lay down his life to protect you from the very frights he’d been subjecting you to for far too long now.
“Hey,” he mumbles, pulling back briefly, “Hey.”
This time, his forehead doesn’t leave yours as he pauses the kisses.
“God, Munson, I’ve waited for this God knows how long, sat through so many fucking scary movies, and you’re really going to-“
“Hold on, what?”
He’s grinning so hard, it aches. In his cheeks, in his chest, in the back of his head. Your words sink in and he relishes each syllable, even in your frustration.
“I- Uh,” you pull back suddenly, fingers still loosely tangled in his t-shirt, “I-“
“Enlighten me, sweetheart,” he insists, eyes finally fluttering back open to catch the embarrassment painted plainly across your face. You wear a nearly painful expression that only tightens as you know he’s watching you, “Just how many scary movies have you sat through wanting me to kiss you?”
“Fuck off,” you sigh out, shaking your head a little, “I mean it. Fuck right off-“
“Cause I could probably give a ballpark number for how many times I’ve wanted to kiss you during them,” he continues on quickly, “Actually, I bet I could count how many times I suggested watching these fuckin’ films just for this moment only to chicken out.”
Your eyes are open again in an instant. Sparkling with hope and realization of what he was getting at. “Excuse me?”
“Do you really think I’m that mean?” he scoffs, finally reaching up for your hands, surprisingly calm despite the delightful storm wreaking havoc in his chest. He takes your knuckles in his and lets his thumb trail right over them, “No offense, but if I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t have-“
“You like me?”
Your voice is sweet as honey, bright and drowning out the horror movie still playing.
He smiles, boyish glint and all, as he confirms, “I like you.”
You put the first real amount of distance between the two of you since you’d started to cling to him out of fear, almost as if signaling that bravery beginning to bubble over in your chest, “You actually like me?”
“Yes. Is that so hard to believe?”
“No, I- Well, maybe,” you bite your lip, and he’s suddenly dizzy with the need to capture it between his own teeth, “I just… I always thought you might like someone a little braver.”
His nose wrinkles, hands still twisting yours in his, “Excuse me? I think you’re plenty brave.”
“Eddie, you’ve said it yourself, I’m a goddamn scaredy cat.”
“So?”
“So,” you persist, shuffling so that your legs fold beneath you and you gain some leverage over him, “You’re the exact opposite. You love scary things. Not even just during Halloween, but year round. And you’re telling me you like me even though I’m a scaredy cat.”
“I like you because you’re a scaredy cat, thank you very much,” he corrects you immediately, “I love the way you always need me to protect you. I know, I know — not very feminist of me. I’m sorry. It’s just- it’s really fuckin’ cute, y’know?” now that his floodgates have opened, he’s pouring out all the words he’s held back for so long, “And besides, you’re more than just a scaredy cat. You’re also so smart, so beautiful, so funny. Yeah, you scare easily, but you’re also the same person who is the first to put me in my place when I’m being an absolute little shit. And don’t even get me started on all the cute faces you make when you’re talking about things you actually like, or when you’ve been baking with Nance and have flour all over your cheeks-“
“Okay, okay,” you stop his rambling before he can embarrass you any further. Any more affection, and your face might end up buried in his shoulder again, “I get it. You like me.”
It’s quiet for a few moments. The two of you only stare, both smiling stupid, the screams of whatever climax occurring in the movie not even reaching your ears. All you can hear is the echo of his words, of his admission. And all he can hear is the pretty way your breath catches when he gives a small squeeze to your palm.
It’s nice. It should be more anxiety inducing, it should be more dramatic. Eddie Munson should be absolutely losing his mind right now because he just kissed his best friend he’s been in love with for ages, but he isn’t. Actually, for the first time in a while, it feels as though he’s finally found it — he’s found his mind, he’s found his peace as he’s staring at your shy expression. It just feels right. Like a sigh of relief from the Universe.
“I like you, too,” you break the silence, unable to meet his gaze, “I mean, you probably already got that, but-“
“Say it again.”
“Huh?”
“I did gather that, but my God, please say it again.”
Your eyes meet him, and another piece clicks into place.
Right. It’s so fucking right.
“I like you,” you repeat yourself, a smile beginning to dance on your lips. He can’t help himself — he leans forward and pecks the corner of your upturned mouth, “I like you,” the repetition is music to his ears as he plants a second kiss on your cheek, “I like you, Munson.”
His peppered kisses mark every inch of skin available to him, making giggles begin to escape you. You even try to hide from his onslaught, but it’s no use. He’s quick to drop your hands and wrap his arms around you, tugging you in close and trapping you against him as each kiss grows more obnoxious. Loud smacking sounds, deliberately leaving spit behind that has you squealing. It’s nothing like the squeaks from when you were watching the movie; these small noises are filled with a little more joy, a little more happiness that only fuels Eddie.
“Eddie!” you try to scold, placing two hands on his solid chest, “Oh my God, stop it. You’re gross.”
“You love it,” he mutters with his mouth fully pressed to your temple, nose buried in your hair. That sweet, sweet shampoo intoxicating him.
You like him. He didn’t fuck it up.
You finally go slack in his touch, succumbing and letting him place you in his lap, curled up comfortably as you sigh, “Yeah. Okay, maybe I do. Whatever.”
“Oh, don’t act all tough now, kitty cat.”
Your hands are curled back in the fabric against his chest and you share the wonderful ache he had been feeling in his own cheeks and bones as you look down at him with playfully squinted eyes.
When he ducks down for another kiss, you stop him easily, “Nope. First, I have a request.”
“Anything.”
“Anything?”
“Anything. Name it, and it’s yours.”
“Please turn off that goddamn movie.”
He throws his head back in laughter that shoots straight for your heart. The kind of laughter that haunts a chilled autumn night as children prance the streets for candy, as teenagers get into mischief in distant bonfire parties, as elderly couples enjoy morning coffees over eerie fog.
It kind of feels like home. It kind of feels like everything is as it should be, finally.
“I suppose I can do that for you, my little scaredy cat,” he muses as his head tilts back forward, chest swelling with affection, “Besides, I think I know something we can do that’s a little more fun than watching the Poltergeist.”
“Oh, yeah? And what would that be?”
His arms tighten around you as he suddenly throws the two of you to lay down on the couch, his body hovering over yours and pick necklace nipping at your chin while he reaches out to click off the TV. The weight of him between your hips feels even better than either of your wildest dreams.
Years. You couldn’t believe it had taken years for this, and neither could he. But patience is virtue, and he probably would have waited another thousand years for this feeling, truth be told.
“This,” he says boldly once the TV buzzes in sudden silence, dipping down and continuing where the two of you left off. Two sets of lips fit together like the world’s easiest jigsaw puzzle.
It’s safe to say the rest of the night, any further squeaks and squeals you let out aren’t due to ghosts.
eddie's taglist: @capricornrisingsstuff @thisisktrying @hideoutside @vol2eddie @corrcdedcoffin @ches-86 @alovesongtheywrote @its-not-rain @feralchaospixie @cheesypuffkins87 @thebook-hobbit @babez-a-licious @eddies-acousticguitar @gagasbee @d64d-n0t-sl66p1ng @aysheashea @kellsck @cosmorant @billyhvrgrove-main @micheledawn1975 @eddiesxangel @siriuslysmoking @witchwolflea @tlclick73 @magicalchocolatecheesecake @mizzfizz @nanaminswhore @mikiepeach @ali-r3n
#eddie munson#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson x you#eddie munson fluff#ghost's writing#ghostly halloween#seriously not edited#i have to be up in mere hours to get dressed up for work haha#but i HAD to write this goddamn#i had another idea where the roles are reversed in a different scenario i might try to write and post tomorrow#most unrealistic thing is that reader didn't immediately cling to him for comfort like i would lmao#i love scary movies even when they terrify me#i bid you all a very spooky night as i go pass out now#sorry if it's bad and sorry for the unoriginal title but my brain is just mush right now waaaaah
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I got an AU cooking up and it's in the VERY rough early stages, as in I don't know exactly all the info yet myself, and I don't know how in the woohoo I'm gonna type it all out... BUT I WILL- try- anyway have this for now BYE
#wreck it ralph#just got struck with such a cool idea while writing this that I had to stop for a second to revaluate my choices LOL#imma try and keep this as like... a drabble? Make it a one chapter to just kinda introduce the idea and then try and go in depth#once I figured out how i want this to go#I might just tell y'all everything in a post too but we'll see idk it's about to be 2 am and I'ma about to pass out PSHDLS#SO PLEASE BEAR WITH ME AND THANK YOU#wir#sonic the hedgehog#turbo#king candy#I might regret posting this because imma wake up with a fresh mind and be so confused#writing at night aint the best idea but it can be so good at the same time AAAAA#anyway goodnight!
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...
#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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hi everyone :’) i havent been on tumblr much lately because i am 1) not watching anything and 2) still dealing with the effects of a bunch of fun medical stuff! i am doing ok but my body hates me so so so much lately. i have the energy and ability(?) to do only a few very specific things right now (play elden ring, let youtube forcefeed me kpop videos, languish) and that does not include watch show or make gif or even write no matter how much i might want to. so. this is how it is haha. miss u guys
#it feels silly to make a post like this when im still on here nearly every day but i Feel disconnected. yknow#like i rb something once a day. i hardly talk to my mutuals. idk#i post vaguely often about my Medical Situation but. i think it might be good if i clarify so#this year since april ive been dealing with a sudden and long-term resurgence of pain that ive had before#originally we thought it was ovarian cysts (which ive been troubled by before)#but that got ruled out mostly. so#my doctor ‘diagnosed’ it as endometriosis (note quotes; it’s apparently not possible to diagnose endo without a surgery which i havent had)#(and so this is just an educated guess on her part and on mine. but a decent one)#i went on hormone meds for that which dont seen to be working for the endo but do regulate other things#but that significantly worsened my depression#so im on ssris now#theres also some other issues with me i dont care to disclose here#and its really just been A Lot#right now the ssris are on a very low dose but they are making me brutally dizzy and nauseous also.#i keep trying to be optimistic and then i get dunked on. but i will keep hoping#it will pass but fuck could it pass faster#rowan chatter#i have actually managed to write some despite all this. but show watching has fallen to the wayside
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mhui is so funny bc it goes through the regular story and then some. and also theres a really heavy focus on the relationship of bkdk with the gacha animations being the bkdk fight.
anyways they're so sillyy <33
#bkdk#mha#bnha#mhui#also in mhur you have to carry katsuki as izuku in the tutorial#they're gay your honor#i have half the shigaraki voice lines#all might is supportive <33#im cooking up a bkdk thematic parallels ramble half of it was made at like 12am last night and i passed out writing it#but its ok im gonna try and finish it by the end of this week#keyword try#college classes are kickin my ass rn#mhui is very fun tho#can't say the same about mhur#mhur is just fortnite without building or weapons and more mha characters#still chill tho#i have like half the shigaraki voice lines#im workin on trying to get more izuku emotes#i have a cementoss emote and tbh im surprised hes a playable character#but i appreciate him nonetheless i love him#bakudeku#mha bkdk#bnha bkdk#i think thats enough tags now#have a good day guys
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My diary when I was a teenager: I am so angry and this is where I put my rage about how the world is ending and how mad I am about it and how much I hate politicians and the school board
My diary now: here is a recounting of what I did today as well as how I feel about some of the news from today, so that in twenty years when everyone is lying about how the 2020s went I have proof that I'm not insane.
#chit chat#it really hasn't changed much except that I am now writing about the context of the wider world#because so much of my teenage diary was 'i am so mad about what's going on in the world!!! how can they do this!!!'#and older me is like 'hm. what WAS? going on in the world?' and then i have to go look up the news for that day#which feels harder to do now than it did back then#so now im adding context so that when im forty i can be like 'yeah! how could they let this happen!' in solidarity with my younger self#also my grandmother worked at a museum for twenty years so now im actively trying to be helpful to whoever ends up with these things#cuz i won't have kids to pass them onto but some random archivist might think they’re interesting#I've been heavily inspired by dykes to watch out for and how like half the strips are just responding to the news#lol#sometimes i wish i could be less fucking weird but unfortunately i have been Like This since at least the seventh grade#i took one elective journalism class and it was all over for me
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unfollowing everyone who supports lucas.
um hi? i dont know what brought this on when i dont think ive written him into my story-form content since 2020 or 2021? but hey im not judging, i understand
i honestly kinda just stayed away from news about him for a while. a few weeks ago when i heard he had a documentary, i tried to watch, but i found it made me uncomfortable seeing him, so i decided then to completely stop watching him or waiting for updates about him and decided not to include him in my writing since others may feel the same way i do
#i also kinda hope no one else will bring him up anymore on my blog#i would appreciate it if we keep my blog an ot6 wayv space#this is kinda why it's taking longer for me to write timeline stuff for hannah too#trying to figure out a way to write without including him#i might actually just not write about her time in superm at all and just mention it in passing tbh#probably deleting this in a bit because even talking about this kinda makes me uncomfortable
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Me: I should probably clean my room, unpack, find my laptop and finish the work tasks that were due yesterday
Also me: I think I'm going to hot glue flowers, vines, and ribbons to a basket instead :)
#no my room is so bad it even hurts my chronically messy soul#i moved back in with my parents in May and im terrible at unpacking#so everything is just strewn about because i just pulled shit out of boxes when i needed them and never put them anywhere productive#and i just got back from my summer camp job. i still need to digitize my inventory and write my closing report#it was supposed to be done before i left camp but i convinced them to let me do it by monday#today is tuesday#part of the reason i havent done it is because my laptop is lost in this mess#last thing im procrastinating is ren faire prep#truly its not much prep just adding vines and flowers to a basket and needing to try on my whole outfit#and practice my makeup and hair#makeup will be light bcuz i dont know how to do makeup#so im just doing some lipstick and glittery highlight#and i need to figure out what to do with my hair. i have a tiara that i might see about fastening into the braids#or i may braid ribbons into my hair. gotta test to see whoch one i like better#i am so fucking excited for ren faire bcuz im going with my gf and some of her friends#im so excited to meet her friends and spend time with her outside of the summer camp we worked at together#AND im going to do her hair and she asked me to braid ribbons into her hair so im so excited#i just need to practice some braids to figure out how i want to do her hair and practice braiding in ribbons#i fucking love doing hair and i cant wait to do hers. ive done single strand braods for her before BUT#she has long beautiful hair and ive been wanting to try more braids on her and i think i have an idea of what i want to do#but instead of doing anything productive. i am sitting in bed. doing nothing#(spoiler alert its because every time i leave camp i get treated to a terrible depressive episode)#(its because i lose the routine and sunshine and exercise and social aspect of camp probably)#(now worsened by the terrible state of my room and the passing of one of my rats while i was at camp that i just learned about)#anyway im doing fine. gonna go do something now ig
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He's a pretty simple guy, all things considered.
#ooc#dash games#I was gonna write 'mom' under the crossed out family but it kept messing up so just ignore that#his stepdad and sister are just big reds#friends are a case-by-case thing#and for both strangers and partners: once he's in bed with you; go wild#he's touch-starved and wants to feel desired#and he'd try almost anything once#plus he grew up country; he's got better endurance than one might assume from a virgin#strangers just have to pass the vibe check first
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I grieve so much for the time that has passed. I grieve for all the versions of me that were, for the ones that will never be again and also for the ones that never existed outside of my head. I grieve for the lifes I never lived, the things I never did or said, the people I never became. I spend so much time lost in my grievance that I find myself lacking time, energy and mental space to move forward, to open up myself for the things that will be and for the person I am becoming. And even though I know it's necessary, even though I know it's part of growing up, I can never find the inner strength to let go of everything that went before. How can I make peace with the places I'll never see again, the people I'll never meet, the lifes I'll never live? How can I make peace with the brief moments of my past that lasted no more than two seconds but still linger in the depths of my brain?
#i keep trying to find a suitable ending for this rant but i think the moment has passed - i only needed to put that out of my chest#highly unusual of me to write such things around here lmao but it's the space i have#might as well delete it later or not. who knows#i understand life is not about suffering but it's difficult to grow up without suffering when to let go translated to grief#personal#it's sunday evening and ander is experiencing thoughts and feelings
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How about #16? And you can pick whichever ship you want!
#16: things you said with no space between us. ask meme here - still taking requests.
It's still unnerving, like an arrow aimed at his neck - having Milo's attention fully on him.
He breathes through a snarl that should be softer around its edges if not for the fact that it's him, and that Milo is bleeding, snow blue hair matching his own shade of red around Milo's temple - a careless tumble with gravity having been content to watching him fall. It would've been worse if not for Actagawa's quick thinking, but the fact that it's anything at all simmers Bisco's blood, this irascibility a burning underneath his collar. It's a minor enough wound that there's no stitches needed, only the antiseptic and bandages required buried under the curling of Bisco's fingers - just a "Sorry, can you get this, Bisco? We don't have a mirror so I can't see to do it myself" that Bisco had cut off with yanking the supplies to his own chest, silent only because Milo's answering smile - sheepish, pink around the cheeks with the blood that he hasn't lost - leaves him unable to say what he actually wants.
Instead, he has Milo in his lap, almost nose to nose, with the weight of his partner a match to the sudden lump lodged in his throat.
"Hold still," is all that comes out, gravel-rough, and Milo answers by disobeying him with an eager nod, pale fingers curling into the cuff of Bisco's sleeve, happily trailing along, happily attached, as Bisco dabs at the split skin. Milo doesn't wince; he's too strong for that, or perhaps Bisco is blind by being this close, even as he finds himself gentling the pressure when he imagines it's lingered for a second too long. Actagawa is scuttling about in the background, from the corner of his eye, watchful among the arid sands. The sun is setting. He wants this done before it's down.
"Bisco," Milo starts, saying it almost mindlessly (as if Bisco isn't aware of how mindful Milo is when it comes to him) and Bisco holds his breath as Milo's warms his cheek. He shifts back instinctively, finding Milo has already started to move in turn to find his eyes. There's a warmth there that looks out of place with the cockiness of Milo's grin. "Bisco."
His mouth twitches to match; he stomps it down, but finds it still slips out in his tone if the way the corners of Milo's eyes crinkle when he replies, "Am I supposed to know what you mean by just saying my damn name over and over?"
"You usually do."
At that, he does grin, his laugh a bite at Milo's bark.
"Moron," he states with certainty, curling the red-blue hair back behind Milo's ear from where it had slipped, fingertips brushing over the curve and trailing down to the lobe. "Duck your head back, I'm not done."
"Yes, sir," is all Milo ends with, voice a sing-song smoothness that Bisco wonders he used when he was treating patients back in Imihama. If - a big if, Bisco imagines - Pawoo ever got injured, beyond the rust, if Milo's voice served as a balm to her cracked pride.
The bandage isn't shoddy by his own standards but already, even without a precious mirror, Bisco watches with a barely contained frustration - a "really, doc?" ready on his lips - when they lean back from another and Milo instantly reaches up, not with the hand still curled in Bisco's sleeve, and pokes at the bandages. But then Milo's smiling, sparing no restraint in how often he's gracing Bisco with the sight, his hair catching on the setting sun as he tips his head back with a proud laugh, a short and quiet thing in the space between them, with all of who Milo is in this moment lighting every single one of Bisco's nerves on fire.
"Not bad, Bisco," he says and it sounds like he means it, and the two bloody rags draped over Bisco's knees makes Bisco wonder how tired Milo is now, finally dropping down from the adrenaline. There's a coolness quickly spreading over the desert, as the moon in his periphery begins to rise, so Bisco thinks nothing of it as his fingers drop down from curling Milo's hair back behind his ear - again - a slow glide of callouses against pale skin, fingertips resting at his neck, and Milo shivers.
He thinks nothing of himself when, for a moment, he pulls Milo forward, pressing his forehead to his partner's. His goggles push up into his hairline, crooked and threatening to fall back behind him into the sand, but Milo's hand is leaving his sleeve to curl around his fingers, a smooth warmth against the chill Bisco didn't realize he was carrying. He lets out a breath in a sigh and does everything in his power - and failing miserably - not to smile when Milo copies him.
With his eyes closed, without looking, he knows Milo's focused on him, that the man has settled himself in to staying like this for as long as Bisco allows it. He never had to teach Milo what somehow comes to him so innately - not archery, or cooking out in the wild with only the elements providing for them, or for having the damn decency to say no for once, come on, Milo; no, not this - the way his partner has let himself be so captivated by whatever he sees in Bisco that his focus leaves Bisco feeling stripped raw, as if there's no space between them.
He sighs again, brushing noses with Milo as he pulls back, opening his eyes to find Milo's right there, open, trained on him like a well-nocked arrow.
Just for that, with a grin, he raps his knuckles once, twice, against Milo's bandages and lets Milo's hiss of pain, pittering out to soft laughter as he tries to push Bisco back into the sand - tries and fails, "you're on me, y'know, you idiot" - chase away anything he could think to say in this moment, locked down, deep in his chest.
He'll let it burn there for a little while longer.
#Asks#Anonymous#Satari writes#BisMilo#Sabikui Bisco#You said any ship so I hope some Sabikui Bisco fic is okay#They're on the mind since I'm trying to write them for part of my NaNoWriMo projects#Hope this is okay too just in general or that it matches the prompt#I feel so bad at doing what I love#I feel so bad admitting that because it feels that's all I'm ever showing anyone anymore#But I know that might just be 2am talking#Well time to pass out listening to some Sleep Token
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I hate the feeling of not being broken enough.
Of feeling like there's always going to be someone else who needs attention and comfort more than you
That you're less important because you're holding yourself together better
#valkyrie talks#some sort of vent tag#I'll be fine#this feeling will pass#i'm just really in my feelings right now and it sucks#for various different reasons this one is just on the forefront of my brain right now#and also the reason I'm avoiding trying to sleep#but Maybe with writing it out I might be able to let it go.#i just kinda wish I could be someone's priority sometimes.#it feels like my time with others is always cut short because someone else needs them more#and they do#and I don't want them to go without the care and support they need#but I wish I could say 'I need attention'#i wish that sometimes every now and then it's my feelings that are put first#i feel so selfish for thinking this way#i don't want my friends to be hurt#I just.... Sometimes feel like I'm the least broken#like that chipped tea cup post#i should go to bed I have work in the morning.
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just realized my fatal flaw and the great struggle of possibly the rest of my life. while watching a cdrama.
#a sock speaks#local construction#fundamentally I lack the confidence needed to be a writer or a teacher#on the one hand I can't brazen my way out of this by pretending to be confident. I need to actually have the knowledge and skills I claim.#on the other hand I can't just say I'll be confident once I have more knowledge and experience. I have a master's degree!#I want to get more school but more school on its own will not fix this#I've let opportunities pass by because I was depressed. I didn't see how I could be enough for them.#or I was too tired (because I was depressed)#but sometimes it's bc I'm not sure if trying would make things better or worse (that one's on the OCD more than depression)#it makes sense that I lack confidence because of inexperience. but I can only gain experience by going for it. doing things badly is good.#it makes sense that I'm scared to face criticism. I've faced my whole community against me.#I've been stuck at someone's house debating scripture for hours with a migraine and no food. I think that was mildly traumatic for me.#but in most cases I am physically safe and the physical fear is irrational. I can work on this with some gentle exposure therapy.#but I need to bring together the effort to organize my thoughts and the bravado to hold my ground in an argument#and I can only build up this confidence with practice. I need to write. I need to do public speaking.#I'd need a platform for speaking (I'd hate to do a podcast or vlog but it'd be good for me)#but I should write! why am I not writing more? I need to write. writing is the way forward#several years ago I was in such deep despair with life that in order to survive I told myself#that I just had to survive. I didn't have to achieve anything or prove myself in any way as long as I stayed alive#and I went to grad school in Georgia not because I saw a path to a career in biblical studies but because school made me want to be alive#(extremely bizarre case of grad school not being the problem. I know.)#I know I missed a lot of benefits I could've had if I'd been mentally healthy when I went. but it's okay because it kept me going#I can go back to school or not go back. do biblical studies or do something else. I don't have big expectations for myself#but as my mental health improves it occurs to me that I COULD do more if only I believed it was worth the effort#I don't need to fear failure when the alternative was not even attempting it#I need to write. I need to write. I need to write.#I'm thinking I might start a newsletter or blog or something. some Bible stuff and some church/social commentary. just kind of open ended.
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I SWEAR I KEEP TRYING TO DO ART BUT THEN SOMETHING GETS IN THE WAY AND THEN I PROCRASTINATE AND THEN SIX MONTHS PASS
#this has been happening for like TWO YEARS BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I AM TRYING.#my usual art motivation (my webcomic idea) has been put on hold for a bit and because of that i forgort... everything#my will to draw specifically#but in my defense i have been writing k*arlach / oc indulgences and i've been VERY focused on finishing it#i also got a marketing manager (my friend <3) to help with advertising my comms and stuff so uh... look forward 2 that#i might need to start posting all of my art on a sideblog so she doesn't have to log into my main though#so there might be some changes#but i promise i want to do art!!!! but there's always something to do first and then months pass :(#or i get the urge to draw and then life is like ''have a cancer scare'' lmao...#(ended up being cancerous actually </3 but because it's skin stuff it was easy to remove)#(but that really took the piss out of me for most of july... not to mention that ffxiv released a new expansion and i have been...#having a good time with my new friends doing content and stuff!) i also made a friend irl after like 3-4 years of total isolation#we feed ants and watch them move around together and comment on their behaviour patterns...#but like when i say this takes literal hours.#we just sit out there and talk about random shit and watch ants walk across the floor. both of us hate ants btw.#like we don't like having them ON us so it's a bit like playing with fire.#but anyways yeah i've also been really low energy recently too bc of the heat and burnout from college...#but the good news is that i'm transferring in fall to a much more relaxing college & courseload!#i'm hoping it'll stop me from feeling so... awful ?? i guess ??#like i was taking classes i didn't need to that were really difficult & punishing#not to mention extremely boring & hard to pay attention to when dealing with literally anything. i did not want to be there.#my next college is much more interest-oriented so i will finally be able to take classes i want to and learn from them...!#and then maybe i will feel a bit more in control of my life / more encouraged to draw#anyways thank u for reading my ramble. hoping it all comes together soon.#i need to do a lot of work but most of it is so i can sell commissions again#but once the karlach fic is done we're so back on the webcomic train !!!!!!!!
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