#i might just be dwelling on it
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a few months back, I decided to paint my nails a deep red and went to work with them like normal and my (now ex) manager was like "those are a lot better than the black" out of nowhere while I was typing away at one of the computers and I am... still thinking about it. for some reason 🧍♀️
#i knew he meant it as an insult#and honestly that was one of the milder backhanded comments he used to give me#like bro#im not painting them for your pleasure#ive been thinking a lot about times like this where he'd purposely try to make me feel bad about myself#or second guess myself#or make me feel small and insignificant#and looking back i get so angry with myself for letting that go on for as long as it did#honestly thought it would be so hard after I'd left but#i just feel relieved that i ended things the way i did#and the funny thing is:#he knows how much of a dick he was to me!#bro actually went out and bought me a whole ass kindle because of it 💀#i might just be dwelling on it#but i needed to get it out nonetheless
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After some space to think and calm down, I've come to accept some on here are legitimately oblivious to their antisemitism. I got some messages from very caring people and some pointed out gaslighting that's been happening to me and it meant a lot to me to feel affirmed. I don't like using the word antisemite to anyone directly because I think it makes people defensive and resistant to growing. Growing up, most people have had to realize one way or another that racist thoughts or actions were conditioned into them by society around us and grow out of some line of ignorant thought. Same thing goes for antisemitism.
I've heard more than once "You can thank Zionists for how people treated you". I don't agree with shirking the responsibility of specific ignorant incidents onto an outside party. The person who was antisemitic to me did that, no one else and it's not excusable. Anyway I'll be back slowly, thank you to all who checked in on me.
#I'll slowly be responding to who I can but I appreciate every message a ton. I might not answer the anons because I don't want to publish#more on this tbh. I just want to move on and post my art as I always have focused on instead of publicly dwell on an upsetting topic#antisemitism#cw antisemitism#tw antisemitism#anyway. back to art#long text
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I am heartbroken and frothing at the mouth that I have yet to see anyone on Tumblr mentioning the YT animation Bun hunting: overture
You'd think a furry animation inspired by 30-60's cartoons with a lot of fanservice would be popular here (for one reason or another)
It's barely 3 minutes long but I'm IN LOVE
with the animation style. Yeah
I wish I was in the mindspace to talk more about it bc this animation made me happier than I can say rn and it deserved a ramble but anyway
There's just something about seeing the old (obviously(?) Song of the south-inspired) Disney 2D animated style done SO WELL in this era that made me really happy and even so short it seems so cute and promising and all of it is SO WELL DONE
I would give anything for this to be longer but I'm so happy with what we got. I hope Piti Yindee and the team get to do more with it eventually
#disney#furry#animation#Piti Yindee#which some people might know from the Wuffle comics that were popular a while back#Wuffle as in that extremely wholesome family friendly cute anthro wolf#and then... Hank Howell#im fucking crying either Yindee had a change of heart or they listened to their fans thirsting over Wuffle#theres just smth incredible funny to me about Wuffle and Hank Howell being created by the same person bc it's like. yeah.#those certainly are... different characters#Song of the South#Zootopia#and Robin Hood#vibes#as well as 60's and 70's shorts#Disney and Warner and some others#Certainly see a lot of Wilford Wolf in him as well#I love this style so much#not even necessarily thirsting either I just genuinely love this style#hope to dwell on it more but for now LOOK HOW PRETTY THAT IS#anthro#wolf#rabbit#also vote now is the rabbit gay or dumb or both
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i feel like. theres designing a character with certain themes and motifs in mind, and then theres making a gijinka for the water bottle on my nightstand
#me when im the only person on the bus wearing a mask: i should make a furry plaguesona#its hard to explain bc. most of the time i try NOT to give my characters a 'strong' theme like making their whole design around#one thing like apples or even broad stuff like baking or cottagecore.. idk if its partly for flexibility or because i cant imagine them#making it their whole personality. not bc i find it cringe or overblown but more like ive learned to associate design with character depth#i had a cutesy uwu persona for most of highschool because i thought it would make me more. likeable? easy to remember? since#memorable character designs are easy to recognize. and one way of doing that is simplifying it with a theme or symbol so you form an#association. but since im a real person its exhausting keeping up that appearance all the time and denying myself things when they dont#fit my 'aesthetic' or 'theme.' i think ive grown past that bc i just collect stuff because i think it looks cool and dont let myself dwell#on how it might 'fit' with my image. but i cant help feeling bad doing it to my own characters bc it feels like im making them too one#dimensional. despite knowing that theyre not real and design alone doesnt reflect depth i cant help feeling like its wrong#despite that i love seeing motifs because it feels like it reflects the characters soul and paradoxically gives them depth. it makes them#interesting to look at too and honestly its pretty fun combining things that fall under a similar category when designing#i struggle find a balance between those two things#actually this reminds me of noelles christmas theme.. i dont remember her saying anything abt liking christmas despite a lot of#her design and character tying back to it. it makes me wonder if she would have feelings about that or doesnt think abt it too hard#or if its like a matching family shirts situation and shes just going along with it??#maybe i should just do whatever i want with my character designs since theyre not real and im thinking abt it too hard#although. this probably has something to do with deep seated identity issues huh#yapping#oc talk#oc
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what do you think dros was thinking when he first saw the phasmid? was he experiencing wonder; serenity? did he feel the world was still playing sick tricks on him: did he believe he was going insane from isolation and this was one of the symptoms? was it helplessness - that even though this miracle of nature stood before him, his beliefs prevented him from telling anyone about it? did the phasmid stand over iosef, watching him watch martinaise through his scope? did he feel her eyes on him for hours, until he forgot the eyes and the pheromones burnt a hole in his brain where she used to be? is he in a kind of grief over her absence in his head? is it a coincidence that the character who is most unable to move on from his past is on an island where the only other living being tells the player to turn from the ruin and move forward? that the most self-appraisingly noble and hopeless of causes has looked at the future for too long, and it is destroying him...
#this too is yuri#i find it funny and heartbreaking. maybe he did love the bug - in a way.#companionship. he never shot it. it just stood there and watched him until his mind eroded...#also? the sorrow in her voice when she tells you this?#she cared for him in a way that the future might take pity on the past. but ultimately it washes away.#into the wild pale yonder. because the people of the present cannot dwell unless they crave stagnation#and the other two stagnated men - stagnated socially; financially; ideologically; occupationally - capture a piece of something beautiful#while the man who sat and dwelled until that miracle next to him dissolved into mundane fractures falls apart himself in grief#and confusion. the world truly has no place for him anymore.#in other words:#get stickbugged#<- that is their ship name now#txt#disco elysium#insulindian phasmid#iosef dros
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Sweet tooth characters as things I find on pinterest (part 41)
#posting this one early cause i got excited about it !!#but it's literally them and their entire dynamic captured in a single quote#like they seriously both acted and spoke like lovers (or an old married couple when arguing)#and i think for them that was enough for them at the time since they number 1 were the leaders of an entire army#and were busy spending their time saving hybrids and killing last men and just didn't dwell on what their relationship actually was#or actually talk about their feelings for each other and just ran on a label of best friends to both describe what their relationship was#and to also kinda convince themselves that their feelings for each other were just them being best friends and not in love#but also number 2 they were scared of admitting their feelings for each other because if they did everything they built#and have might come crashing down on them and they weren't going to let that happen since it's the only thing they have left#in their lives since they've both lost everything else before and they didn't want to lose each other as well#sweet tooth show#sweet tooth netflix#bear sweet tooth#kenz talks about sweet tooth#tiger sweet tooth#becky walker#tigerbear#bear x tiger#becky and tiger#they seriously make me insane
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GUESS WHO’S GETTING EVALUATED FOR AUTISM
#they’re bringing me in for a screening sometime next month if we can find a psychiatrist that insurance will pay for#and it might be a year before I actually get a diagnosis#BUT THEY LISTENED#I WAS SO FUCKING TERRIFIED BUT WE JUST TALKED TO MY DOCTOR AND SHE GAVE ME RESOURCES#IM SO HAPPY#even if I end up not being autistic this is such a relief#It’s so much better to know#And my mom basically said when I told her “yeah I kinda thought you were too”#Which didn’t really make sense bc she said she didn’t think I was earlier#But whatever we’re not dwelling on that#autism#neurodivergent
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Forever a turtle, but life update:
Got a job! It's a retail position at a local thrift store chain, which is a tiny bit disheartening for some dumb personal reasons, but it's certainly something - overall, though, it's a good thing. Hopefully it'll help get my finances back in order and a sense of routine again. It'll be a bit rocky at the start, catching up on bills and getting used to retail again, but it's something.
Just wanted to say a genuine thank you to those that helped out and gave well wishes during me rambling on here for a few months. It meant and still means a lot to me, it really does. Hope you all are doing well, too, as always. Rooting for you.
#Satari rambles#It shouldn't be too bad a job and there's actually benefits this time unlike my last retail job#It's just a bit disheartening because I went to retail after graduating the first time and now I'm back even though I have a master's degre#Which is privileged or spoiled-sounding thoughts to have even though I'm glad genuinely to have a job at all after six months without#I know this might only be temporary but I have trouble conceptualizing the future so it's sticking with me like it's a personal failure#Trying not to dwell on that though#Got a job so that means income and routine and hopefully working towards saving to get my own place#Gotta focus on that#Gotta keep positive#Rambling done though#Thanks for reading if you did
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Es experts. Hear me out. Es and hole-dwelling by Kikuo. Have I finally gone off the deep end or does this make sense to you???
Maybe it's just the sound, maybe it's something about the song actually feeling like someone being insane and my Es T3 predictions, I haven't the slightest clue why. My brain has just decided this is something that deserves thought.
#milgram#es milgram#It's currently 1am and I haven't been able to sleep well for a few days (normal for me)#so I might just be feeling a bit stupid rn#feel free to punch me in the teeth if this seems like I took every drug at once#I can't even explain the vision it's just a feeling that Es is somehow hole-dwelling by Kikuo coded
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man I love 90s fantasy so much they did not give a shit about sex in the only way i can get behind. the protagonist will drop two whole lines like "yeah I fucked during the time skip. it was a phase. I have more important things to catch you up on " can we bring this energy back
#shut up az#it's not just that I appreciate them not dwelling on a teen losing their virginity as world altering as a modern fantasy might#but also that it feels more sex POSITIVE to be like yeah I had sex. So does everyone else in this town.#Same energy as literally every other biological function right? Like you don't have to tell me about every cold someone has#unless it's the one that kills them#I also do not need to read every single time the main character fucks in the 20 years the story takes place or whatever#like if it's there One True Love that's one thing but if they're just losing their virginity to a barkeeper like yeah I'm with the MC#that doesn't really matter. I'm here to read about a girl who fiddled so good a ghost gave her magic powers
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also gamers would any of you mind weighing in... 👉 👈
#these are just some recent miscellaneous things ive been dwelling on LOL nd it might ease some choice paralysis#i probs wont get to them Immediately bcus zink and half dragon zellie are rotting my brain. as usual . but i like to play and draw etc etc#so i would like to doodle all of these Eventually anyways but. You Know.#personal.txt
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It's actually quite curious that I've never found a sskk fic where Atsushi was jealous of the attentions Akutagwa gives Dazai
IMHO, I think it’s bc jealousy like that would mean Atsushi wanted Akutagawa to feel about him the way Akutagawa feels about Dazai, and I don’t think that’s the kind of connection Atsushi would envy anyone having with anyone
That's... A very good point
#I didn't think about it. It makes a lot of sense#atsushi nakajima#ryūnosuke akutagawa#sskk#osamu dazai#bsd#people asks me stuff#Like one possible counterpoint I can think is that jealousy is irrational and wouldn't look at the nature of the attention–#beyond the simple fact that such attention direct to another person exists#But then again I hate jealousy tropes in general so it's really not an issue with me pfftt#It's just that. In t/pn I used to hate them because it didn't make any sense.#All the characters grew up with 30+ siblings you CAN'T grow up to be a jealous person when you were raised in that environment#Besides to me jealousy is inherently toxic and... t/pn ships aren't toxic. The slightest.#Like yeah nothing is perfectly pure everything is problematic etc etc but t/pn sure goes as close as being pure as you can get#But ss/kk IS toxic. Or at least a big component of it is. So I guess... It might happen?#But really I don't like the trope either way so I won't dwell on it further.#It was just a random thought and Anon is making a good counterpoint
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Covid, foot cut open, seed stuck in tooth, unwell cat, I think oncoming ear infection if the pain in my right ear is anything to go by and all of this in only the first week of 2024. Who's doing it like me? ���
#we're speed running shit things that could happen#well the good news is tigs has an appointment 8am tomorrow#i cant take him obv my covid tests are still coviding and i actually and genuinely would feel horrible if i gave this to anyone else#but my brothers going to take him before work and he has to stat theor the day but hopefully they can say whats wrong#and hopefully whats wrong isnt anything too bad#sorry for being so negative on your dashes but also like. its not by choice lmao#i was gonna go to sydney this week n everything. oh well just have to wait#and i need to send stuff and get stuff but again. Cant do anything about that now so might as well not dwell on it
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tag venting!!!
#privledged enough to be receiving a (airquotes) FINANCIAL GIFT from my mom the the form of a down payment on a future dwelling#not privledged enough for it to actuallyyyy be a gift#i’m actually paying that back too. with interest.#it’s just. the bank doesn’t kno that#basically my actual DTI is like.#48 percent debt to income. not including the interest that will accrue#and her gift is at a Bad Rate#an ugly nasty variable rate that Could be rly bad#the bank thinks my dti is like 36%. jokes on them#UNLESS I GO FOR THAT 10/1 ARM#WHICH MIGHT HAPPEN IF THE BANK MADE A MISTAKE. WHICH THEY MIGHT HAVE#bright side i don’t owe my mom any money if that’s the case#downside is if u only put 3-5% down. anything less than 20%.#u actually pay more money. on top of interest. aka private mortgage insurance#it’s all suchhh bullshit#EXTRA BULLSHIT#U HAVE TO PAY IT UNTIL U OWN I THINK 22% OF THE HOUSE#EVEN THO. TO AVOID PMI U ONLY HAVE TO OWN 20%
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i'm not interested in fear (of the unknown) as a motif, at least in my own work. i am interested in bizarre worlds that will not harm you. the only threat here is seeing something you don't understand. can you tolerate that? how far can you stretch your imagination to encompass something you wouldn't have imagined otherwise?
#In some ways i regret not leaning harder into the ''not-horror'' motifs in charmers.#i just find that most things that i find compelling are always intended to be scary. But sometimes things are ghostly and distended and lon#and the light doesn't reach where they dwell. and that's just the deep ocean. it doesn't want to hurt you.#you can coexist happily with things that might be visually unsettling at first.
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Dealing with newcomer's embarrassment gets easier if you are surrounded by people you have no respect for.
#oh this other professional saw me do something stupid that messed up my paperwork?#but she does shady things worse than the mistake i just made on purpose to make a buck#oh i just said something dumb to my boss#give him a few hours and he'll say something even dumber to me#oh no the guy who has been working at this job for twenty years just saw me make a rookie mistake#agony abounds but he just did six other things a lot worse than I did all in one day so i'll live with it#oh no the manager is a little disappointed with my performance?#so what he's a pushover and he won't say or do anything about it anyway i'll do better next time#oh no my one coworker hates my guts#she hate's everyone else's guts too and literally never shuts up about it#i'm not special#it sounds kind of depressing--and it can be#but i have a lot of affection for these people regardless of their issues#i just don't really let my failures around them bother me too much anymore because i honestly don't care what these people think of me#i'm not going to make the same mistakes ever again#but i don't have to let this stuff keep me up at night because i did something wrong#if i'm not going to go to them for advice why do i care what they think about me?#it was something that i realized a few months ago and ever since it's made things a LOT easier to deal with#plus#these people aren't dwelling on my failures either#they all have their own stuff going on#yeah they might harp on it for a while bit new things will come up and eventually they forget#they aren't thinking about me that much anyway#XD
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