#i mean yes charles has only three minutes in the movie and yes i actually timed this | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

moonbaby26 · 4 years ago

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(gif from Jason Passaro’s youtube edit here)

Title: One Shitty Friday Night (Part 1)

Pairings: Peter Maximoff x Fem!Reader, Colossus x Shadowcat

Summary: Set after the events of Deadpool 2, you and your boyfriend Peter are on a double date downtown with your fellow X-Men Piotr Rasputin (Colossus) and Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) when Deadpool and Russell arrive unexpectedly. Chaos and violence naturally ensues, including taking down mafia henchmen, dealing with news media and paparazzi who circle in with the action, and a jealous Peter. This will be concluded in Part 2 with the mixed reactions of Logan, Charles, and Erik when you all bring Wade and Russell back home, etc. 😄

Notes: For simplicity’s sake as Piotr R. is normally called “Peter” as well, he’ll just be referred to as Colossus here.

Warnings: Some alcohol use. And it’s Deadpool, so a lot of cursing and irreverent jokes of course. This started out as just crack!fic that became actual fic that had to be split into two parts because it hit post limit. Holy cow.

Peter Maximoff x Reader Masterlist

—————————

Kitty all but snorted, trying to put her drink back down on the table before it could end up fully sideways instead as her laughter left her trembling.

Colossus sighed quietly, but you could still see the warmth in his eyes as he looked down at her before helping dab up some of her errant wine off the table with a thick cloth napkin.

It was late Friday night, and save for your semi disapproving, large and very Russian designated driver, the other three of you were now several drinks deep and a bit too loudly enjoying Peter’s retelling of the Led Zeppelin cover band debacle. You’d been there with him that night, but it never got old the way Peter told it.

“I shit you not, and this guy still keeps hitting on Jean.” Peter continued, his third nearly empty glass of craft beer still in hand. “Scott’s about to fry the dude. They’re playing Immigrant Song, and these lasers start up. All dudebros in the club go wild, and Scott tries to sneak off a warning shot. Freaking air balls it! I have to move like forty people and it still blows a damn hole in the wall. But nobody even noticed! Fake Robert Plant is screaming his heart out and everybody is just eating it up. I swear my Dad could have flown in there, cape billowing and they still would have thought it was part of the show!”

You were at risk of being elbowed in this small restaurant booth, with how animated Peter was as he spoke beside you. But you didn’t mind. The lighting was dim, possibly verging on romantic, the smell of good food from the kitchen reminded you of what was to come, and you were just enjoying time with some of your favorite people.

When Peter did finally drop his hand again though, the not so subtle movements of it then up your thigh also promised something much more personal later tonight. Maybe it was the warmth from the mixed drinks you were also nursing, but you shifted your leg a little, pushing even more into his touch under the table. Your movement just signaled your silent agreement to him that tonight would be a perfect night to be throwing clothes on the floor as soon as you got back to your shared room at the mansion.

It’d been a long, tiring week after all. Helping teach classes during the day and training your ass off in the danger room every night, you didn’t think it was unreasonable to cut loose a bit now.

Even Colossus was chuckling a little at last, but the big guy was always softest around Kitty. You in particular had been one of her biggest supporters when she’d first confessed her attraction towards him. You’d noticed his bashfulness with her as well, and all the little glances he’d given her long before she’d ever worked up the courage to ask him out.

But that seemed so long ago now, it was hard to really remember a time when they weren’t together. Almost as long as you and Peter really.

You glanced up as the waiter came back by to check on you all, saying your food would be out in a few more minutes and asking if anyone needed more drinks.

“Oh gosh, we’re really running up the tab right?” Kitty smiled.

You could see the little bit of relief in Colossus’ expression as she waved the waiter off though, her current wine glass still nearly full. “I’m fine for now, thank you.”

Peter glanced at you and you nodded as well. A buzz was fine, but you didn’t want to be climbing the mansion stairs full on drunk tonight. “I’m good.”

As the waiter left, your conversation got a little more subdued. You leaned into Peter somewhat, hip to hip in the booth as he put his arm around your waist.

Kitty was now talking about a movie she thought you should all go see next weekend if you could. You were just in the process of agreeing as you’d wanted to see it too, when Colossus suddenly went stock still, a look of real surprise on his face.

Kitty evidently noticed as soon as you did, you both staring up at him in unison.

“Do not turn around,” He instructed to you and Peter, eyes locked on something behind you.

Of course when told to do one thing, it would take everything in Peter’s willpower to not do the opposite. But to his credit he actually did hesitate. “Do we need to be dodging something? I mean, I can move us if I need to, man. You just gotta let me know.” Peter stated.

“I don’t think he’s seen us yet. Please do not draw attention.” Colossus responded, still frustratingly vague to the rest of you.

But he hadn’t metaled up yet, his skin still entirely human looking. So on the plus side, it couldn’t be someone he thought an immediate physical threat.

You glanced to Kitty for some hope of explanation as she was seated beside Colossus and facing the same direction. But she was too short in comparison to him, and couldn’t see all the way across the booth dividers as easily as he could. “Well who is it?” Kitty demanded quietly.

But you heard an impatient voice carry over clearly from the nearby restaurant entrance.

“Look, you know he’s here. I know he’s here. Don’t make me leave you guys a bad Yelp review. I will totally Karen that shit up. I’m just here for him.” A pause. “...And some of the cannolis. God, I love those things. You went a little scarce on the filling last time though. Don’t make me add that to the Yelp review.”

You heard the hostess stutter, fear evidently building. “Sir, firearms are not allowed in this restaurant. The owner, he, I...I can’t.”

There was a loud sigh from the man, the distinct sound of a gun cocking, and then all hell broke loose.

“WADE!” Colossus screamed, your entire table flipping as he stood up, metal now encasing him in this even larger form.

Abruptly you were now standing back by the entrance yourself. Peter had one arm around you, and the other around Kitty as he let you both go just as instantly, having just brought you there before he disappeared again.

That little flare up of vertigo from the speed and sudden stop didn’t mix well with the alcohol, and she and you both stood there another moment, queasy as Peter appeared again with an armful of guns.

It would have been comical as he clearly had no idea where to put them now, but everyone else that had still been in the restaurant was already screaming and running for the doors in a panic.

The owner of the multiple guns couldn’t care less about the crowd however, only turning his full focus to the lot of you then in exasperation.

“Oh my God, you anti second amendment, mother fuckers. I’m in the middle of a job here!”

“You can’t just point guns at innocent people, Wade! We have talked about this many times!” Colossus retorted, all seven foot of him now standing over Deadpool with paternal like annoyance.

“For fuck’s sake, it’s called a threat. I wasn’t going to kill her you overprotective, asshat! Now Giovanni is probably holed up in some pussy ass panic room, or he’s already ghosted me out the back door! And yes, I know that is such a stereotypical mob boss name and totally sounds like the Pokemon villain. Fuck him and his always trying to take Pikachu! He had a talking cat the whole time who just wanted his love, but no, got to have the electric rat. Fuck!”

“Language, Wade!” Colossus scolded. “There is still a child present!”

And honestly in all this insanity, that was the first time you actually noticed Russell also still standing there. Everyone else in the room had now fled out into the street.

“I’m fucking fourteen,” The boy replied defiantly. “And yeah, we were working!”

“Daddy and angrier metal daddy are just talking, hon.” Deadpool commented, waving a hand.

There was a small gust of air beside you and you looked to Peter knowingly. Wade’s guns were now all on a table, though intentionally still distant from your current position. “So I just made a couple laps.” Peter spoke up. “The cops are already coming, and there’s still a bunch of guys in the basement. They were opening some crates, probably getting weapons? I didn’t know if we were taking them out yet though. I didn’t touch anything. But is Giovanni like a big dude with gold rings and all?”

“I’m telling you besides the drug and human trafficking, it’s practically more criminal how much he sets back Italian-American stereotypes. They are an honest, manicotti making people goddamn it.” Deadpool answered.

You really were starting to regret the amount of drinks you’d had. If you’d known tonight was going to be anything like this, you would have gladly stuck to water. Your head was already trying to throb a little as you finally spoke. “So, does this guy actually have warrants out on him? If the cops come, they’re all going to end up shooting each other most likely. Can we just defuse this by giving him up to them?”

“I would say we assist to prevent unnecessary bloodshed, if that is the case, yes. I’m sure the Professor would prefer that.” Colossus agreed.

“Freaking goody two shoes, all of you.” Wade sighed. “But he has to get arrested or dead okay? I don’t get paid otherwise.” He paused though, then looking back up to Colossus before suddenly elbowing him. As if he’d even really feel that. “And hello rudeness, are you not going to introduce me to your little girls night out club here before we go bust some heads in a gratuitous X-Force/X-Men hotties crossover?”

“X-Force?” Kitty asked, sounding as already over this as could be.

“Well, we are a little empty on the roster at the moment. Some...unfortunate parachuting incidents. Wind advisory that day. You know how it goes.” Deadpool shrugged.

By her expression, no. She did not know how it went.

But the sooner you started, the sooner this could be over. Colossus motioned to each of you in turn, “Peter, (Y/N), and Kitty. These are my teammates and friends.” He nodded back to Deadpool, “And this is Wade.” And then to the boy. “And Russell.”

Of course you already knew who they both were. It’d been a bit of a scandal really, with the whole Essex House fiasco and the deaths that had occurred there. Fair or not, a lot of the blame had ended up on Juggernaut the second time around though you thought. Which is why Charles hadn’t had to deal with too much bad press in the aftermath.

You could not let this become another Essex House situation for the X-Men though. You were about to speak up about heading to the basement together and Deadpool staying out of your way so you all could neutralize everyone without any fatal hits, when he gasped dramatically, making you freeze again.

“Kitty!? Like an actual girl named Kitty? Oh my God, this whole time I thought you were his cat!” He hit his own leg, laughing. “I’m thinking, holy shit this guy loves his goddamn cat, but who am I to judge you know? I had a dog named Mr. Shuggums. Cutest little fucker.” He took a breath. “I miss him.”

“Wade.” Colossus groaned. “We do not have all night.”

Okay, so there was still something sweet about Colossus gushing about his girlfriend even to this manic mercenary. But no kidding, this show really needed to get on the road here.

“Guys, why don’t we just let Peter disarm them all, Colossus, you grab Giovanni, and Kitty and I deal with anyone who still resists? No one has to get hurt, and then it’s all done, easy.”

“And then we go find somewhere else to eat. Killing me here. I wanted that damn calzone and tiramisu.” Peter sighed, pulling his goggles back down over his eyes again. “More guns coming up.”

He disappeared at once, but when he didn’t return immediately as you were so accustomed to, you and Kitty exchanged a nervous look.

And after only another few seconds, your instincts told you something had definitely gone wrong.

“Is the basement directly beneath us?” You asked Deadpool sharply, already reaching out a hand to Kitty. Your adrenaline was starting, all good feelings gone as it was now time to act.

But you’d worked together long enough now, you didn’t have to explain your plan to her or Colossus.

Yet when the previously mouthy merc had no instant response, just staring at you in thought, it was clear he hadn’t done any recon beforehand at all. He’d literally just walked in here and expected everything to work out.

“Perfect.” Kitty said sarcastically, glancing quickly to Colossus as she took your hand. “You’re our backup, dear, in case our vertical entrance doesn’t work out. Come find us.”

“Always.” He said, already turning, his weight shaking the floor as he ran to look for any stairway downward while you and Kitty dropped straight through the floor.

It was surely a risk of its own to use her phasing ability so blindly as this. You could end up in a too small crawlspace, in underground piping, a sewer system, anything really. She’d make sure not to go solid until it was safe, as to not impale or bury you alive of course. But if Peter were in trouble, there was no time to waste by ending up at a dead end and having to go back up and try again.

You’d held your breath, as there was no way for you to process oxygen either as your lungs and every other part of you shifted through the other matter. It was darkness and insulation, pipes, and conduit that flashed by at first. But in the fractions of seconds that it took to fall, you had already powered up. The white light of your energy field overtaking your body, shielding you both as you did fall into a larger open area.

It was even darker than the restaurant above, all concrete and dampness. The glow from your body was the brightest thing there as much more men than you’d expected all turned in surprise. You saw the glint of multiple gun barrels now, but the thing you wanted to see most was Peter’s silver hair as you’d scanned the area for him instantly.

There was a stairwell in the distance. He was laying near the bottom of it. But you had no time to be shocked or afraid, only anger swelled as you released Kitty’s hand, making you solid again. “I’ll get him.” Was all you said. Letting her know to protect herself as you flew to him. Bullets couldn’t hurt her if she was ready for them. But Peter would be defenseless without one of you now, and by means of your power of flight you were the faster of you and her.

The man closest to Peter had a different kind of gun though you realized. Something you didn’t recognize at all as he aimed at you. You splayed your palms to create an energy shield in front of you as he pulled the trigger.

It didn’t make a sound though. But everything around you instantly distorted as pain exploded through you. You saw five or six of him now, as your feet hit the ground, unable to concentrate enough to fly then. But even as you stumbled, realizing your shielding wasn’t fully stopping whatever that weapon was doing, you were still able to expand your shield rapidly, hitting the man with the force of a car in your pain and sending him flying into a nearby wall, the weapon clattering to the ground lightly against his now limp body.

But you still felt like you were going to puke.

“Kill them you idiots!” Someone screamed.

You dropped yourself, laying over Peter just as quickly, grateful to feel him breathing as you focused through the pain to extend a shield around you both as the gunfire started.

“Bitch!” Another man yelled as Kitty just walked unharmed through all the flying bullets towards you.

“Shadowcat actually,” She said, skilled enough in her powers to choose what was solid and what wasn’t. Just the outside of her fist being all she needed to crush his nose in one punch with a squirt of blood, and only the end of her foot used as she swept her leg after to knock his own right out from under him.

Even among your own team, sometimes people could forget that that petite Jewish girl was about as skilled a martial artist as anyone could be.

“Babe?” You heard against your ear though, glancing back down to Peter. There was real relief even in the chaos as you saw him smile up at you.

He talked back against your ear in the noise as Kitty continued to utterly wreck the guys around you. “I fucked up a little, right? That gun...they already had it going, aimed at the door when I came back, a trap...I think I hit every stair on the way down...I still see like three of you right now.”

“Ditto.” You breathed.

And then there was another even louder noise as the remnants of a door also came flying down the stairs. Colossus barreled in behind it like a stampeding elephant, Deadpool right behind him as they leapt over the both of you and joined the fray.

“We found the basement!” Deadpool announced gleefully, swords swinging. “Don’t think they’d even locked the door back actually, but fuck if big Russki doesn’t love a dramatic entrance!”

For a moment you thought all your words about at least trying not to kill had been for nothing, thinking Deadpool was going to chop these men into literal pieces. But even as blood sprayed left and right, you realized he was just cutting tendons. The men then unable to hold their guns, unable to stand at all as he crippled each he reached in succession.

It was still completely horrific, but hell, how much could you really ask for from someone like him? Especially when you yourself had slammed that one man into a concrete wall as if he were a ragdoll. You glanced over anxiously for a moment, glad to see him shifting a little, but still crumpled exactly where you’d thrown him. He was alive, a small relief at least.

——————————

Obviously the other gunmen hadn’t had a prayer either though once you’d all been down there together.

Colossus already had a still cursing Giovanni slung over one shoulder as you were now helping Peter back up and trying not to step in all the blood as you all walked over to Kitty.

“What a mess...very interesting weapon though,” She spoke of that odd gun that’d been used on you and Peter, it now in her hands as she turned it one way and then another examining it. “I’m bringing this back with us. The police don’t need anything like this. Hank and I can figure out how it works. And how to defend against it hopefully before we run into another one of these out in the field.”

“It seems this Giovanni was more a threat than expected,” Colossus said, giving the still squirming man an unhappy look, before looking back to you all. “Are you alright, Peter?”

“I’m still hungry.” Peter grumbled, an arm over your shoulder to still help stabilize him as his other hand went to his head as if it were pounding. He also had some bruising starting on his face, no doubt from his tumble down the stairs. “I wouldn’t have drank so damn much if I’d known we weren’t going to eat...”

With the speed of his metabolism, that alcohol likely was hitting him pretty hard now on his already empty stomach.

“We should turn this guy over and get out of here.” You agreed. Though you didn’t feel so hot yourself. Still a little nauseous from whatever that weapon did to your senses. But at least you weren’t seeing triple of everything anymore.

“Hold it, girl scouts!” Deadpool piped up, chipper as ever as he grabbed something at Giovanni’s neck before any of you could think to stop him.

The man choked just a moment though, before a piece of metal snapped off into Wade’s hands. It was a necklace, with a symbol of some sort. You saw just a glimpse of it before Deadpool pocketed it. “No proof of finishing the job, no payday for DP. No payday, then no liquor, no coke, no hookers. Am I right?”

It was too difficult to tell when if ever he was serious, and you all chose to ignore his comment, starting back up the stairs. The odd sounds of bullet fragments falling back down the stairwell caught Peter’s attention though as he gave a grossed out look to Wade for a moment.

The now impact deformed bullets were starting to work themselves back out of all the bloody holes in Deadpool’s costume. You knew where you’d seen that before of course, but Peter was the only one that actually said it aloud.

“Damn, you and Logan would be a pair.”

There was a pause, and you could swear even with the mask, you thought you saw Wade’s cheekbones move in a way that signaled he was outright grinning from ear to ear. “At least someone gets it. He still won’t return my calls though. Such a diva lately.”

Once you did get to the top of the stairs, you only found a very agitated Russell standing there, Wade’s guns in his arms. “You took long enough, the cops are outside you know. I’m not going back to jail for you!”

“Cool your tater tots, kid.” Deadpool responded lazily, in no hurry, but grabbing the weapons back to holster them all regardless.

“I could have finished this faster! I would have fried their asses!” Russell argued.

“You would have been shot. Fire does not stop bullets.” Colossus only answered matter of factly.

Russell made a face, but Wade cut him off before he could say any more.

“Now now, listen to metal daddy. No sass. And actually, I think there’s something we should talk about, champ. X-Force is way more badass and all, but we don’t exactly have a training and junior member tier yet. Maybe later. You might want to think about riding home with these guys and checking their setup out. I don’t have any powers myself to relate to you like that, except me being very shootable, devastatingly charming, sexy, smart, and a competitive level Skee-Ball player...”

Deadpool sighed, continuing. “But these guys have a Danger Room. Which is totally not a sex dungeon, yeah I was bummed about that too. But they could let you unleash that school shooter level teenage angst and burn all the shit you wanted until you really figure out your powers.”

Russel bristled. “I’m not a school shooter you prick! And you always said the X-Men were neutered dweebs and-”

Wade coughed loudly, ushering Russell forward suddenly as you all continued to walk. “Hah, kids. Such darlings. Mishear everything don’t they?”

Colossus only answered without offense though. “The offer is still open, Russell. Though you have said no before. The Professor would never turn down a young mutant in need.”

It was Peter who surprised you a little, a smirk on his face as he contributed. “Freaking sweet house too, man. Xavier’s loaded. Big screen TV, a pool, basketball court, your own room, supersonic jet. Bunch of cute girls as well, or cute boys, you know whatever you’re into.”

“I’m not gay.” Russell huffed, but actually looked to be listening now as he didn’t immediately spit back with a sarcastic retort.

Though you gave Peter a weird look and he just grinned. “What? I stayed for you didn’t I, babe? Just saying. I wasn’t exactly on board with the whole team thing before that either. I know where he’s coming from is all.”

“It’s up to you, Russell.” Kitty said more diplomatically, before returning to the matter at hand. “We’re parked at that parking garage two blocks south. Everyone meet back there, Colossus and I will hand this guy over to the cops out front. The rest of you, I’m sure there’s got to be some emergency exit you can sneak out of. Probably better to split up actually. Less attention.”

—————————

Just as Kitty had suggested, Deadpool and Russell went out one way, and you and Peter another. You came out onto another street behind the restaurant. And you’d just finally started to relax again, Peter taking your hand in his own and walking away like an honest to God normal couple for once, just out on the town together before you noticed an oddly placed white van with distinct lettering on it.

Peter saw it too just as the light from a camera hit you both.

“Hell,” You breathed.

“Want to run?” He asked seriously.

“Too late, they’d just film us ditching, and say we had something to hide.”

Your headache was returning in full force you thought as you steeled yourself, seeing the reporter now in a full sprint towards you.

“It’s Quicksilver! And (your codename)! The X-Men are here!” A woman shouted.

As you walked closer to the news van, the camera flashes only increased. It looked like a small group of paparazzi had also camped out here, hoping for this exact result. How did word travel so damn fast?

“Marcia Fletcher, WAFN nightly news!” She introduced herself at once, her camera man there just as quickly, huffing a little from the run as he got you both in focus.

You could see the lights on on his camera as she shoved her microphone in front of you and Peter. “You’re on live coverage of the Ruffiano’s restaurant shootings with WAFN. Is it true that Giovani Marcello was apprehended here tonight by the X-Men? And how did you know he was here when he’s been on Interpol’s most wanted list for four years?”

You knew without looking at him that Peter was happily deferring the speaking role to you now as you tried not to look rattled. You attempted to think of what Charles would and wouldn’t want you to say, even with the pain in your head and lingering nausea. “We didn’t know who was here. We were in the area and saw people running and went to help, that’s all.” You lied.

“But the reports of gunshots, witnesses also said Deadpool had drawn a gun on a restaurant employee and Colossus was seen inside. Is Deadpool now affiliated with the X-Men again? Did he shoot anyone?”

“Deadpool is not affiliated with the X-Men. Colossus was here tonight, but he only would have been defending anyone he thought in danger. Deadpool did not shoot anyone.” You tried to keep to short truths that time.

“But then why was Deadpool there? Should people really believe it would be a coincidence that the X-Men and Deadpool would be at the same incidence at one time if not working together?”

“Well you’re here aren’t you? Are you affiliated with us?” You replied before you could stop yourself, though still restraining the annoyance you really wanted to put into that statement. “Trouble attracts a crowd.”

Peter made a sound, a restrained laugh you knew. But before the reporter could blurt out another question, one of the now growing number of paparazzi called out, “(Your codename), hey look here! Is it true you and Quicksilver are still dating!?”

You knew better than to be baited, humoring any of them just made it worse. They were like piranhas. But Peter couldn’t help it, turning to look as so many cameras flashed. His arm slid around you protectively. “Why wouldn’t we be, dude?” He called back.

“Are you saying the photos of (your codename) and Gambit were before you two reconciling?”

It took every ounce of your self control to not respond, but oh God did you want to. It was the mission in Tanzania. You knew it. You, Storm, and Gambit. Peter had stayed in the U.S. for that one as it’d been the holidays and his Mom had wanted both he and Wanda over for some time together.

After the mission was over, the three of you had ended up on one of the beautiful Tanzanian beaches for a single day. Just a single day to yourselves.

You’d had the audacity to wear a revealing bathing suit though and you and Remy had been photographed together, him shirtless of course because it was a goddamn beach. And laughing and smiling because, surprise, you were friends! And they’d cropped Ororo out in all the closeups for complete loss of context.

It’d been a thing in some of the tabloids for a while, but you really thought that had finally blown over. Of course if anyone asked Remy, he liked to play coy on the whole subject to keep up his God’s gift to all men and women sex symbol status.

“Peter, let’s just go,” You whispered in his ear, sure anything else said would only make things worse.

But you could read him all too well, and when he turned his face to look back at you, you already knew what he was going to do. You didn’t try to stop him, because never would you humiliate him on live television with any type of rejection, but oh, you would never live this one down. Never.

He kissed you hard. And there was nothing fake about it, honestly the kind of kiss usually reserved for your bedroom as you felt heat rising up in you. The camera flashes clicking over and over as you could still taste the alcohol he’d drank before.

When he finally released you again, you gasped a little. He gave the photographers a ‘fuck you’ look, before speaking just to you. “Now we can go.”

“Fly or run?” You breathed.

“Fly please. I’m still about half out of it.” He admitted.

You powered up to some surprised and excited sounds from the crowd. Your whole body glowing white again in the energy you emitted.

“Wait, aren’t you going to stay and talk to the police!?” The reporter shouted.

“They know where to find us if they need us.” You answered, extending your energy field around Peter, before you took off vertically, making sure to get sideways over the rooftops as soon as you could though to breakup their camera angles and finally give you privacy again at last.

You landed gently atop the parking garage only a few moments later, letting him go again as you powered back down.

“Are you mad at me?” He asked, just taking your hand again though.

“No.” You said truthfully. “But, I have no idea what we’ve really just done. We still have to go home...home where the Professor always watches the 10:00 news with his late night tea.”

Peter sighed, only half joking. “We could always go stay with my Mom for a while?”

You just moved in closer, pulling him against you as you laid your head on his shoulder. “We’ll survive, babe. Somehow we always do.”

“I think that says more about you than me though. Pretty sure I’d be face down in a ditch somewhere already if it weren’t for you.”

You chuckled, wrapping your arms around his neck then before raising your head back up to kiss him once more. Much softer this time, and even longer than his jealous little display a few minutes ago.

He made one of his little noises of contentment, hands sliding down to squeeze your butt through the thin pants you were wearing. As he pulled your hips tighter against him, he broke the kiss enough to speak regretfully. “I really was hoping to get lucky tonight...”

“Same.” You smiled. It had been a while. Mostly from you both being so tired by the time you finally got in bed. Passing out on each other had more been the norm the past couple weeks. “We get some food in you, and see where things go?”

“Gross! Get a room!”

You startled at the sudden shouting, having wholly thought yourselves alone up here in the moonlight.

Peter rolled his eyes, yelling back at Russell, “Kid, we have one! And we’d already be back there by now if it wasn’t for your little mafia hunting shenanigans!”

You looked over to see Deadpool and Russell both standing in the doorway to the parking garage stairs.

Wade whistled, leaning back against the doorframe. “Way to take down that Marcia Fletcher a notch! I always found her too uppity to be honest. I think she’s still butt hurt that they didn’t give her the lead anchor spot when Carl Sanderson moved to the early bird morning show. Tanya Meyer on the 5:00 news though, that’s my girl.”

You blinked. “How...how do you know-” It was literally minutes ago, it would have taken them just this long to walk here.

Deadpool lifted up his cell phone. “Facebook live, bitches. Don’t you follow WAFN? The recipes they post from Saturday morning cooking with Pat are always delish.” He looked back down at the phone though, happily reading. “Hah! Peggy Fredrickson from Brewster, New York thinks Marcia’s contouring and drawn on eyebrows are getting worse. Fire your makeup person, Marcia.” He tapped something on the screen. “Like comment! Oh, and Michael Morris from Ridgefield says who wouldn’t do Remy LeBeau. Damn, Michael, all out and proud on main.”

Peter let go of you, taking an annoyed breath. But then looking back to you. “Please let me at least prank Remy, something, anything.”

“But he didn’t do anything.” You replied, though only more stressed now that this was already blowing up on social media.

“Exactly! He should have at least denied it! But no, Mr. cool Cajun can’t admit that you’d actually choose me over him.”

“Hey now, I think you’re looking at this the wrong way, Quickie.” Deadpool interjected. “There’s always the ménage à trois option. I mean he’s French right? And Michael from Ridgefield is just spitting truth. Who wouldn’t want to do Remy LeBeau? He could shuffle my cards anytime.”

“You guys are so fucking weird.” Russell groaned. “Can we go find your damn car now?”

But you didn’t move yet, still looking fully at Peter. “Wade’s just trying to get under your skin. We all know how Remy is. He’d flirt with a piece of cardboard if it suited him. It doesn’t mean anything to him.” You recognized that Gambit was physically attractive of course, you had eyes too after all. But that was the only extent of it. You loved Peter. Not to mention you wouldn’t at all want to get on Rogue’s bad side. She and Gambit were tumultuous enough without someone else being added to the mix.

“This is adorable, really. But I did bring ‘good job team for sending a little girl selling, gentrification funding, pencil dick mob boss to butt fucking federal prison’ cannolis. Want some?” Deadpool offered, lifting up a large takeout box you somehow hadn’t noticed before.

Peter’s shoulders dropped a little, still heavily annoyed though eyeing the box. “So does this mean you’re coming back with us too?”

Wade shrugged, “The kid doesn’t know you guys. What kind of daddy would I be if I didn’t at least go and make sure he actually wanted to stay in your little mutant commune before I ditch him there?”

“You aren’t my damned dad.” Russell said, though almost sounding too tired to argue further at this point. He reached up, taking a cannoli from the box and biting into it as he started to walk back down the stairwell. “What floor is the car on?”

“Just one down from here, you already passed it. Black SUV,” you answered. Colossus and Kitty must not have been here yet if Wade and Russell had made it all the way to the top deck without finding them.

Peter grabbed your hand again, walking with you to the doorway as he grabbed three cannolis out the box begrudgingly with his other hand. He passed one off to you, before biting into the other two in quick succession.

And you only had a moment to see all the thick scarring under Wade’s mask as he lifted it just enough to start eating one himself, before turning to follow you both out and down the stairwell.

———————————

(Concluded in Part 2 here)

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ckneal · 3 years ago

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So, there’s this one angel story in the back of my head that I know I wont write. I wont write it, because it’s utter nonsense, with very little regard for the canonical timeline of Supernatural, and a willfully blurry view on what is and is not “in character.” It’s fluff. It’s all fluff, in the form of a bunch of smaller stories that gradually weave together, following the Love, Actually style of storytelling, but instead of problematic love stories, it’s all about angels playing hooky from Heaven after the Fall.

(Seriously, there is no substance here, I swear.)

Stories include Abner, living out the first half of the movie Family Man, struggling to figure out how to be a good father and house husband after he steps into the life of the raging alcoholic who agreed to be his vessel. There’s also a very minor story about Esther (not to be confused with Hester, who is not in this story because she never deserted her post in Heaven) learning to play the part of a little girl and navigating schoolyard politics, but kids can be mean and Esther learns the hard way that Michael’s approach to asserting dominance in Heaven does not translate well. There’s also Daniel and Adina, who both settle into vessels in the same movie theater where a romantic comedy is playing, and fall into a very innocent, play-acting sort of love after they leave the theatre—like little kids pretending to be in love, recreating the scenes from the movie, but at the same time not really understanding it. Balthazar, Gabriel, and Anael each trying to roll with the luxurious high roller life style, and awkwardly running into each other at VIP poker games, exclusive spas and clubs, and the occasional orgy that they promptly leave IMMEDATELY after running into a sibling (don’t give me weird looks, Balthazar and Gabriel canonically include that sort of thing in their definition of luxury, and the whole thing of their story is their siblings keep cramping their style). Tyrus is in there bowling, somewhere. Benjamin’s playing arcade games with his wife. And then there’s Thaddeus, my pet favorite minor angel character, realizing what’s happening as he’s falling with all the other faithful angels during the Fall and seizing the opportunity to abandon his life as a guard and torturer, settling into a pop star for his vessel—initially for the sake of the cushy lifestyle, but then gradually looking back, before the garden and Lucifer, before everyone was assigned a job in Heaven, like it or not, and the options were to adapt or to be smote, and remembering that back then, he could sing.

And of course, Michael and Adam get a story too—in which Michael lowkey gets into a pissing contest with death, as he and Adam travel the world, hitting up hospital after hospital to heal people. Because the first thing Adam wanted to do after getting out of the cage (okay, second thing—burgers came first) was go to the nearest medical center and start healing people left and right. And at first, they’re having a great time. Adam steals a white jacket he finds in the breakroom somewhere, and anytime someone says he looks a little young to be a doctor (Adam still looking nineteen years old, because I say so), Michael wipes the poor sap’s mind. But eventually—sometime after they’ve cleared out the children’s ward, the cancer ward, the cardiac ward—Billie shows up, sniping at them that they can’t just go around healing people who are destined to die, because there is an order to life and death that cannot be shoved aside. And Billie tries to make a show of it, as Terra did with Dean, by having several people who Adam had healed over the course of the day inadvertently cause several massive accidents. The news suddenly comes pouring out of the television, channels flipping as newscasters talk about tragedies occurring in several different parts of the city they’re currently in. The sound of approaching ambulance sirens fills the air, as in the hospital hallway, doctors and nurses begin hurrying to receive a rush of ER patients.

Adam’s horrified.

Michael does not take kindly to this. He snaps his fingers and makes it so that the carnage has never happened. Because he is the archangel Michael, only two steps away from being a god, and if he says that all of these people are going to live, then they are going to live, and he WILL NOT be intimidated, especially by an amateur reaper whose only qualification for her position was dying at the right time.

Billie in turn lands Michael with a cold stare, and points out that the order to life and death is beyond even God’s authority, let alone daddy’s blunt, sniveling instrument.

As Michael’s eyes start to glow, Adam steps in and says, “So, to be clear, you want us to stop healing people on the verge of death? We can do that.”

After Billie leaves, Michael is outraged, but Adam says, “No, Michael, THINK about it.”

We then cut to other stories, where newscasts in the background reveal that ailments that are not IMMIEDATELY fatal (AIDs, diabetes, Alzheimer’s, etc.) are mysteriously disappearing overnight, worldwide.

Billie is not amused, and tells her reapers to be on the lookout for an archangel at every major hospital in the world.

Cut to Michael throwing open the door of the bunker, muttering aloud to Adam that he’s going to do it, he’s going to bind Death, just like Lucifer did—how hard can it be? Sam and Dean see him as he goes stomping off toward the cabinet where they keep all of their magical dry goods, but Michael snaps his fingers and the two of them are abruptly half drunk in Dean’s man cave, sitting in front of Dean’s flat screen TV, watching some campy monster movie, because that’s lowkey what Michael and Adam assume they do all day.

As they’re raiding Sam and Dean’s supplies though, Adam says, “Wait, I have an idea.”

Cut to Abner looking up while pushing his vessel’s daughter in a park swing, and literally seeing Michael and Adam chasing an ambulance, so they can technically heal the person inside before reaching the hospital.

Yes, I’m aware that Abner was dead by the time Michael and Adam got out of the cage. But see, this story? This story is like when someone gifts you a goldfish unexpectedly, and you put it in a bowl, checking in to feed it a couple times a day, lowkey expecting it to die. But it doesn’t die, it gets bigger. And you’re not a cruel person, so you put it in a bigger tank, but it just gets bigger again, and you don’t really know what’s going on, but you know, you just kind of keep checking in, meeting the minimum requirements but not really getting in there as a guiding force because it’s a goldfish and it’s surely going to die any minute now—but then you look over and there’s giant tank taking up your living room, and you’re thawing out bloodworms twice a day, and looking into tankmates to keep Charles company, and realize that “Oh wow, I guess this is a thing now.”

In short, the story says we’re ignoring the timeline, and it’s calling the shots. I’m just keeping the tank clean.

The angels all eventually wind up running into each other. Abner and Esther happen upon one another in a park, where Esther is morosely realizing that she is terrible at being a human child but she does not want to go home to Heaven, and it just happens to be the same park where Abner goes with his “little nibblet” once a day to let her toddle around the playground while he chats with nannies and other house parents. Anael, Adina, and Daniel meet up when the latter two’s game has reached the point where they’ve decided to get married, and they apparently need to buy something new—preferably blue—as per this very important rhyme someone told them about. Esther and Gabriel run into each other in an ice cream parlor. Thaddeus gets recognized while doing an interview on TV that everyone sees. And, while out joyriding in a Lamborghini, on their way to meet up with the growing community of angels who decided to opt out of their responsibility to Heaven and their father’s legacy, Balthazar, Gabriel, and Anael are all startled to see Michael land on an ambulance stopped next to them at a red light.

Balthazar and Anael are both terrified, as if they’ve just been busted by a parent, because Michael, of course, is the guy who enforces the rules, and isn’t he supposed to be in Hell? They both shoot Gabriel looks as if to say ‘what the hell are you doing’ when Gabriel, watching as Michael climbs down and matter-of-factly wrenches the ambulance doors open, calls out, “Hey, Mike! Is that you?”

Michael looks over, freezes for a second—not prepared to be suddenly thrust into a social situation in the middle of his self-imposed mission to spite death—then his eyes flash and Adam takes over. “Oh hey, you’re Michael’s family? What a small world! I’m Adam, I’ve heard so much about you. Wait, hang on—”

The light starts to turn green, but Adam snaps his fingers and it promptly reverts to red.

Three jaws drop in the luxury car, and they don’t even hear Adam politely explain that he and Michael are in the middle of something, as he ducks into the ambulance, because Michael’s evidently letting a tiny human use his powers like it’s nothing, and what does that mean?

“Sweet dad in the unknown, Michael’s shagging a human. . .”

“Nooo!”

“HOW?”

“Hey, kid, you like weddings?”

At some point in the story, all the MIA angels are together, and Benjamin or someone comes running in saying, “Quick, they’re coming! Everyone hide!”

And everyone scatters, except for Michael, who stands in place, saying, “Gabriel, we’re archangels, two of the most powerful beings in existence. Why would we—”

And then Gabriel picks Adam up like a sack of potatoes and sprints off, calling back, “Trust me, you do NOT want to get involved with them!”

Being a projection, Michael is obligated to follow.

Team Free Will then walks by, looking constipated from whatever Big Awful Thing is currently threatening to destroy the world.

The story, of course, culminates in the wedding of Adina and Daniel, who still don’t quite understand what marriage is beyond promising to love each forever, which of course they will, after all, they are the very best of friends—which is about the same concept that most of the other angels present have. Adam is the first one to actually approach the big awkward question, upon finding out who the bride and groom are.

“Wait, aren’t they brother and sister?”

To which Serafina’s Adam, (who is of course there since Serafina was the original angel to play hooky) whose sons married his daughters, and all the angels, who do not understand what that has to do with anything, all cock their heads in unison and respond with, “So?”

Adam struggles to find words, looking into so many innocent faces. Then Benjamin’s wife puts a hand on his shoulder, whispering, “Shhh, let them have their fun.”

Benjamin’s wife and the two Adams wind up sitting at the venue’s bar, where they order nachos from a very confused bar tender, and watch as the angels go about setting up a wedding. But given that most angels haven’t been on earth regularly in roughly two thousand years, none of them have a clear grasp of what a human wedding entails.

“I heard it’s traditional for the father to give away the bride.”

“I think they’re supposed to kiss over bread.”

“Do humans still slaughter cows at these things?”

“I’m pretty sure someone is supposed to break a glass—”

Several angels promptly throw glassware on the floor.

At no point do the angels ask the humans for advice.

Occasionally, Gabriel knowingly throws out obscure details to keep the confusion going.

“You know, the groom needs to stand with the right arm to the aisle in case a sword fight breaks out.”

“Right! . . .How do we know which one’s the groom?”

At the bar, Adam open’s his mouth to say something, but the original Adam shushes him.

“No no, son, let them get there.”

The angels agree that being the better fighter, Adina should be the groom.

They’re nearly ready to start when Michael suddenly doubles over with his hand over his mouth. It coincides with the sound of Adam pounding the bar top, having just eaten a Carolina Reaper pepper on dare. Michael’s eyes quickly flash silver-blue as he straightens, and both he and Adam are abruptly fine—even if their eyes are still watering somewhat. But a different sort of damage has already been done, as Anael, Balthazar, and Gabriel all abruptly turn toward the triad of humans, having been reminded that the Michael walking around with them is actually a projection. In actuality, Michael is anchored to the human ex-college student sitting at the bar.

All three of them rush toward Adam, but Serafina gets there first, asking Adam if he’s ever tried mushroom tea.

Balthazar gets there next.

“Adam, was it? We didn’t get to talk in the car, let’s fix that. Are you over twenty-one? You know what, this is a family affair, don’t worry—CAN I GET TWO SHOTS OF DON JULIO OVER HERE?”

From that point on, any time Adam turns around, there’s one of Michael’s siblings, wanting to get to know him—by consuming some sort of beverage. Because Adam and Michael are sharing body—and that means they share a liver too. A bet ensues as to how much it will take to get God’s alleged favorite wasted.

Gabriel’s actually one of the first out, having been convinced that Michael would be a lightweight. Little does he suspect that Benjamin and his wife caught onto what was happening soon after Adam was fed his third long island iced tea and second jager bomb, and began quietly cleansing the alcohol from his system through casual shoulder pats and high fives.

Adam does not know what to make of any of this, but it’s Michael’s family and he wants to make a good impression, so he just goes with it.

Thaddeus, of course, is in charge of music, Gabriel and Esther consume the majority of the cake, and Michael catches the bouquet (he may have cheated after finding out what the bouquet toss is for).

#my thoughts #lowkey might be putting this idea out so it'll leave me alone #midam #supernatural angels #the divine shurley family

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poptod · 4 years ago

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The Dead Heed No Lies (Ch. 1)

Description: Your job isn't as simple as it was when you first started out. Before you know it, you're hunting down an old God who happens to be a kleptomaniac with an overgrown sense of justice, alongside a 4,000 year old corpse who occasionally commits first degree murder.

Notes: This is an older fic that I’ve decided to continue! I called it the ‘untitled NatM 4 movie’ so think of it like that. I have plans for this and I really hope I do this storyline justice because I just love it so much. Word Count: 2.3k

Chapter One: Life’s a Sham

You loved your job. No, truly, you did - working in a museum was one thing you knew you actually wanted in life. Still, keeping this in mind, you hadn’t exactly signed up for needing to complete a reorganization of every file in the whole goddamn museum within the span of a week.

How long had your boss worked at the place anyway? High time to retire, you thought, heading to the A section. And just because you worked at night didn’t mean he could abuse you any way he liked.

Long night ahead of me, you thought, wishing that you’d bought some sort of energy drink before clocking in. Instead, you took a bite of the scone you’d gotten, looking through the first box.

Aaron Copland, American musician, died 1990. You wondered why that was in there, it was pretty recent after all.

Aaron Burr, you understood that.

Oh, they were out of order.

You fixed them.

Moving on…

A few (more than a few) minutes later, actual exhibits in the museum.

The giant Anubis statues guarding the King Ahkmenrah exhibit, those needed to be reordered. AH came before AN. Even though the Pharaoh exhibit had been moved away.

‘Anubis, an ancient Egyptian deity is connected mainly with the underworld, being the guardian of the underworld, referred to as Duat. He protects the dead, ushering them into the underworld, like a modern day reaper. He is also the god of embalming, and is believed to have invented the process. He has two forms - one, man like, with the head of a jackal, ears alert and sporting a red ribbon. His other form is that of a jackal or a black dog, the fur color a stark difference from the brown of jackals.’

Why am I reading this? I know this already. I have a goddamn major in Egyptian mythology.

American Civil War, that was in the right place.

Ancient Egypt.

Ancient Greece.

Anglo-Saxons, what was that doing there? Belonged in the British museum of history. Though, you supposed it didn’t hurt to have a little European history in America.

Anne of Cleves.

Austro-Hungarian Army.

Bayeaux Tapestry.

Boleyn, Anne.

Booth, Charles.

British Empire.

A wretchedly loud sound came from upstairs, like the stomping of hordes of elephants, all intent on making you crazy. You groaned to yourself, taking a deep steadying breath before continuing. Noises were none of your business. That was the security details’ issue. Though… looking to the side, you found a plastic knife, thinking it couldn’t hurt to be… armed? Could you consider a plastic knife being armed? You grabbed it anyway.

Calvin, John.

Caribbean History.

Castles of Britain, followed by Scotland and Wales.

Catherine of Aragorn.

Cattle Industry of America.

Charles the First.

China.

Civil War, America and English.

Cold War.

Crime and Punishment.

Danish Holocaust.

Dresden Bombing.

A loud honking of a horn, followed by a cacophony of party music. What the hell was going on up there?

You stood, fuming, the papers in your hands falling to the ground you were previously sitting on. Dealing with your lousy job was one thing, but having terrible upstairs neighbors at the same time? That was a whole other deal, and certainly not one you signed up for. With clenched fists still grasping the plastic knife you stormed towards the door leading to the stairs, which would take you into the break room, which in turn would lead to the lobby.

The trek up the stairs took a little bit out of you, but you continued, panting lightly and still fuming with anger. Before you could open the door to the main room though, McPhee entered the break room, laughing to himself.

“Sir?” You stopped, unclenching, hoping to not make a bad impression.

“Oh! Uh, you. What’s - what’s going on?” He asked, fumbling over his words like usual, playing with his hands in a dainty sort of way.

“It’s loud out there, I was wondering what was happening, sounds sort of…” you peeked out the half open door, trying to see what was out there, but he shut it far too fast to be considered ordinary. “Abnormal.”

“Yes, well, um, we’ve got uh, guests.”

“I know. From the British museum? Isn’t partying at midnight sort of… against the rules?” You asked cautiously, never knowing when he’d go full speech without knowing words on you.

“Right, it is, but -“

“McPHEE?!” A loud, female voice you didn’t recognize came from the other side of the door, loud pounding fists as its’ partner. “DEXTER STOLE THE KEYS AGAIN!” She panted for a moment, the pounding stopped. “I can’t find the bloody monkey and now he’s let out all the lions and they’re the only ones I don’t know what to do with.”

McPhee closed his eyes, letting out a quiet, tired breath. His facade, if you could call it that, and been broken, and it only left you more thoroughly confused than you had been before.

“McPhee, are you in there??”

“Yes,” he hissed, prolonging the ’s’.

“Doctor, could you explain what exactly is happening?” You asked, starting to not care that he was now having two separate conversations with you and the woman behind the door. Apparently, someone had stolen the keys, and you had live lions in the museum which was COMPLETELY against regulations, and why did McPhee know about it? The man you knew would never allow animals into the museum.

“Is there someone else in there?!” The woman from behind the door rapped on it three times, presumably with her knuckles from the sharp sound. In the distance, you heard someone scream ‘goal,’ followed by an uproar of cheers.

“Are you playing soccer in there?” You asked him incredulously, not caring if he was the curator. No matter his rank, no matter how much you needed a job, you couldn’t stand for such misuse of a museum.

“Uh -“

The door opened before he could explain himself, the woman from the British museum stumbling through. She left the door wide open as she entered, keys grasped tight in her hand, letting you see outside.

A whole lot of people in costumes were running about, throwing a party. How in the world had McPhee authorized that?

“It’s not what it looks like,” he said quickly, his eyes rapidly switching between the woman and you.

“Really? Cause it looks like you’re throwing a party in a museum,” you said, eyes wide and your anger fully returned.

“Who are you?” The British woman turned to you, still out of breath and looking just about as confused as you were.

“I’m the archivist, and you are holding an illegal party, you’re not supposed to invite people onto the premises after -“

“Honestly, would you shut up and let me show you? We’re not holding a… party, or whatever you called it, it’s… something else,” McPhee said cryptically, obviously trying to hold back information. You were miffed, crossing your arms, and doubtful at his intentions. Still, he was your boss, and you ought to give him the benefit of the doubt. He hadn’t failed you yet. With a deep breath you slowly nodded, allowing the two of them to lead you out the door.

A dinosaur.

Made of bones.

An actual, live dinosaur was staring at you, and it wanted to play fetch.

“That’s, uh, Rexy, I believe Larry called him. Harmless, mostly,” McPhee explained, waving to the dead yet animate animal. It only stopped for a moment to notice the three of you before continuing to chase after a toy car, one of its’ bones tied behind it. Your mouth fell open in disbelief, eyes wide with a general panic that you knew consciously wasn’t deserved, but you couldn’t convince yourself of it.

The whole room was filled with historical figures, ones whose statues you’d stared at for so long as a child, in wonder and curiosity but now you no longer wondered, you no longer imagined - they were there. Whether you wanted it or not, they were there, and they were loud.

“That’d be the Huns, apparently it took your old night guard for-ever to get them to get along,” the woman said, shaking her head.

“Who… what…” you mumbled, in a daze of disbelief.

“The Tablet of Ahkmenrah,” the woman said in a dramatic voice, using jazz hands to accentuate the wonder, but it didn’t do much for you. You’d heard of the tablet, sure, but it wasn’t at your museum anymore. It had been transported to the British museum -

Oh. It all clicked together, why you hadn’t heard the noise before, why McPhee knew what was happening, what the cause was.

Of course, that’d be if magic was real.

“Show me,” you said, not wanting to completely discount their story. The woman looked utterly delighted, while McPhee looked mostly uncomfortable, fiddling with the bottom of his jacket, an awkward smile on his face. Your eye twitched as the two of you made eye contact. In less than a moment, you turned back, following the woman towards wherever she was taking you.

“What’s your name anyway?” You asked as she led you through a crowd of historical figures.

“Tilly. Yours?”

“Uh -“ You were quickly interrupted by Tilly, who ran into Christopher Columbus.

This can’t be happening, you thought to yourself, as Tilly apologized in Italian to Columbus. Columbus, made fully of silver black stone or steel, bowed his head with a smile, returning to his soccer game with the Neanderthals, who seemed quite excitable in the presence of Tilly.

“I, uh, this is -“

“A lot? I know. My first night taking care of my museum was, well, a disaster,” she laughed to herself, rolling her eyes in an ‘oh, you,’ sort of way. “Anyway, here we are!”

An empty, closed off room. The room mean to house the Pharaoh, who had been delivered to the British - what was she thinking?

“Oh, right,” she mumbled to herself, rubbing her chin methodically as she stared at the ground. You waited patiently, admiring the art of the room.

“Guess we’ll have to find the King himself, should be somewhere,” she said, pulling you by the wrist down the hallway. A few more turns and you were at the balcony of the lobby, and at the halfway point of one of the stairs, on the platform, was a man dressed in ancient Egyptian garb, golden robes flowing in a way unlike any cloth you’d ever seen. After all, a whole lot of old cloth was like that, well made, thin and light yet warm.

She led you down the staircase, stopping behind the King, who was apparently manning a DJ station.

You felt yourself get lightheaded. It simply wasn’t possible. It couldn’t happen, not physically. It disobeyed everything you ever knew, every wish you convinced yourself wouldn’t be fulfilled.

“Oh, hello!” The King turned around, having just been alerted of your presence by Tilly tapping him on the back. His gaze first landed on her, then on you, tilting his head to the side with a curious smile.

“My friend here is, uh, new. Doesn’t believe that all this is real,” Tilly explained, and the King gave her a knowing look, bending down to pick up what you assumed was going to be the tablet.

“I’m just an archivist, I don’t think I’m supposed to be here,” you said over the loud music, suddenly feeling quite like you were going to be sick. It felt too much like a fantastical story. You just read and studied fantastical stories. You didn’t star in them.

Yet, here you were, being handed a tablet made of pure gold.

“Uh… cool,” you breathed out, holding something in your hands that costed more than your life. As soon as opportunity let you, you gave it back to the King.

“I am Ahkmenrah,” his eyes flickered over to Tilly before coming back to you, resting soft and welcoming on yours. “What shall I call you?”

“Uh, (Y/N),” you stuttered, blinking furiously, as though it’d wake you up from a dream come true.

“Well, (Y/N), welcome to the party,” he laughed, turning back around to choose another song.

“I’m gonna sit down,” you whimpered, collapsing onto the steps behind you. Tilly looked like she was going to stop you, but decided against it, her hands coming back to her sides.

“I’ll let you catch your breath, okay?” She said with a smile, patting your back and leaving down the steps. You watched as she left, joining one of the Neanderthals in dancing.

“It’s a bit overwhelming, isn’t it?” The King said, sitting down beside you. Despite being dressed in royal clothing, and speaking in a rather posh manner, he acted human. In that moment, you appreciated it.

“Yeah… why, um, how do you speak, uh, English?” You asked, turning to face him.

“I went to Cambridge. As a display,” he said, quickly correcting himself. You nodded, turning to face forward again.

“I’ve never been to England,” you murmured.

“It’s nice. Cold,” he joked, laughing to himself. You joined in weakly, still feeling overwhelmed. You continued staring forward for a while, letting yourself wonder if this was reality, or if you were hallucinating, but he must’ve noticed your silence as he cleared his throat.

“Would you like some water?”

“What?” You asked, turning to him, pulled out of your thoughtless trance. “No, I’m alright. It’s a lot.”

“I know. Imagine waking up in a coffin every night,” he joked, but it fell flat. It sounded flat out miserable.

“I’m going to go lie down,” you mumbled out, your voice cracking as you stood. He immediately stood with you, before pausing, hesitant to follow you.

“Uh - I hope you, uh, feel better!” He called to you as you left down the stairs. Before he was out of earshot you heard him curse to himself, but you didn’t care to think what he was so troubled with. Was that a little cruel? Sure. Selfish? Definitely, but you’d just found out that all the exhibits were going to come to life at night, and that magic definitely existed and all those fictional Egyptian Gods you’d studied for so long were most likely real.

You needed time to process… and maybe to scream a little.

#ahkmenrah x reader #Ahkmenrah #Night at the Museum #rami malek character #rami malek #male reader #Female reader #ahkmenrah x male reader #ahkmenrah x female reader

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soyouareandrewdobson · 4 years ago

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Dobson’s favorite cartoon reviewed: The adventures of spandex girl in New York aka the Miraculous Ladybug movie

So THIS is not going to be about a Dobson comic, but rather with the lack of Dobson posting shit out here, I thought I give my opinion about something Dobson would have likely sperged out within the last few months. What could it be I want to talk about? The riots? The death of RBG? Cuties?

Are you insane? My brain may function better than Dobson’s, but even so I am not touching those subjects with a tong, seeing how I myself am lacking detailed knowledge on such subjects. No. I am talking about the cartoon that makes Dobson’s little brain (and dick) all tingly: Miraculous Ladybug.

For starters, let me just say that despite being an animation fan myself, I am not really into this show at all. For a magical girl show that goes on for over three seasons at this point, I just feel like nothing happens in it. Sure, A LOT of tokusatsu and magical girl shows run on repetitive monster of the week formulas, but overall they will still have some progression to themselves. Growing up with Sailor Moon, I always loved the first season and how it actually made me feel like things are increasingly at stake as the story progressed. Especially in the final episodes when the Senshis actually died protecting Sailor Moon and it was only thanks to a Deus ex machina everyone was reincarnated again. As melodramatic as Sailor Moon could be, at least each story arc had a beginning and ending that did not overstay its welcome. Ladybug meanwhile can be summed up as followed:

Teenage girl is thirsty for obvious blond boy whose dad wants to get magic jewelry to necromance his comatose wife. Teenage girl gets magic jewelry and turns into heroine in ladybug mustered spandex suit that makes rule34 artists all tingly. Same goes for boy she has the hots for, only he becomes gimp catsuit shota bait. Bad guy transforms random citizens who feel down for some reason (often times connected to a blond whose family name Dobson can’t write) into action figure like super villains. Ladybug and Cat Noir defeat them, the damage is reseted, Ladybug and Cat Noir never figure out who the other one is despite things being so obvious Ray Charles could have seen that shit coming. Repeat not just for one, but ALL seasons so far and add as little as possible storywise to increase the roaster of characters, but not progress the plot.

All that said, I can say that there are worse shows out there and for a show meant to sell toys to girls and be about a female hero, it is not THAT bad. But a) the creator is an asshole (think of functional Dobson) and b) there are still better shows to watch, even within the preteen magical girl genre, than this. Not to forget that this thing may be the indirect successor of Totally Spies and give certain people internet related fetishes within the next few years.

So, why am I believing Dobson would talk about the show at least for today more than he already tends to do on average? Because Ladybug actually got now a movie.

Well, it is called a movie, but in reality it is more of a 3 parter to start the fourth season if you really look into it. The thing is called Miraculous World: New York – United HeroeZ. It clocks in around 65 minutes and focuses on Marinette and Adrien in New York, teaming up with new heroes that are so unsubtlety promoted in this movie, I expect them to get their own spin off series by the end of next year so the showmakers can milk the cow even drier.

Let me try to elaborate in what is going to be a less than just a bit snarky summary with a few critical points and jokes at Dobson’s expense thrown in here. In other words, the typical biased youtube reaction channel/movie review. Spoiler warnings are obvious and I promise than unlike certain pedos on youtube I am not going to focus on the assets of underaged French girls. I do warn however for increased levels of making a fool of myself by writing a multi page “mock summary” of this thing.

So because the movie is based on a children show, it has a very basic set up; Adrien and Marinette’s class is invited to spend one week in New York, because of a pointless international collaboration thing referred to as French-American Friendship week. The sheer existence of this showing that a) we needed any reason to get them there and b) this special was worked on LONG before COVID19 hit us all. And yes, I know animation takes its time to be done, I just think it is funny how in today’s international political climate and health situation this thing has become outdated already, when it is hitting the tv just now.

At the same time, Adrien’s dad suspects that an artifact currently shown at a museum in New York may be a missing Miraculous that was owned by the Marquis de La Fayette and gifted to George Washington during the American Revolution. And yes, we are going there and you can guess what Hawkmoth’s goal this time is, while at the same time history gets fucked up the butt.

But before we can get to any action in New York, we have to deal with the one thing Ladybug is known for best: Cringy shipping bait.

Look, I know that shipping is a part of magical girl shows in general, but the shit going on in this cartoon is not only drawn out tediously even for children tv standards, I find it makes some characters outright dumb and unlikable. We get it Marinette, Adrien makes you tingle. But can you stop cringing your way through life around him in a manner that would make Tomoko Kuroki say that you are freaking pathetic?

I don’t want anybody else. when I think about Adrien I...

Just three minutes into this movie she essentially melts away at a poster of Adrien and throughout the first 15 minutes she just simps away in the big blue yonder. For example by asking Adrien’s dad to allow his son to travel with the others to New York, obviously stumbling upon her words when she needs to remind herself that she can only see Adrien now as a friend and not love interest (because this is supposedly set after season 3, when she decided to go for the second price in form of the guy who plays guitar), insisting that she is only “friends” to the point even her best friend Alya gets fed up. Or when Marinette gets more than just “a bit” nervous at the chance of sitting on her flight to New York next to Adrien, resulting in her fucking that chance up so badly, I felt an headache approaching.

Not gonna lie, I had to pause a few times because it got so cringy for me, I wondered why Dobson makes primarily jokes on Adrien’s expense when Marinette herself is female thirst personified. Even the movie seems to point out how the two are so obvious to each other, when Alya has the following to say about them: I can’t decide if they are the most cutest people I know, or the most embarrassing.

Thankfully it is at 18 minutes into it, we FINALLY get something of a conflict. While still on the plane (And Adrien and Marinette watching a sunset through a window) a villain shows up, trying to steal the jet engine midflight.

Just roll with it

Thankfully, before the plane can go down thanks to a Gremlin on the wing- I mean TECHNO PIRATE, the real stars of the movie show up.

Wait, you thought this thing was going to be about Ladybug and Cat Noir being the primary heroes? WRONG!

Okay, to put the summary on hold and explain what I mean: This “movie” introduces us to “United HeroeZ”, a group of American superheroes. Yeah, turns out Miraculous is essentially set in your average “Superheroes are everywhere, but primarily US dominated territory” world and this story is meant to introduce us to them and have Ladybug and Cat Noir team up in order to save the day. And while I don’t necessarily HATE the characters, I have to admit that I can’t help myself but snark quite a bit about them. Not only are they for the most part just expies of well known superheroes, the way how prominent two of them in particular are featured in this movie makes it very, VERY obvious that (As I stated earlier) this thing aims just to create a tie-in show for the creators to make more money of the property. Not just that, but their presence in a way reduces Adrien and Marinette’s importance as characters, even though the new ones at best would count as supportive characters overall. Which again makes me wonder, what does it say about Ladybug and Cat Noir’s “impact” in their own franchise when I actually find myself more interested in the side characters made to promote new toys, than the actual leads?

Anyway, United HeroeZ defeats Techno Pirate and in doing so we are introduced to the main members of the group which are relevant for this movie:

So please, give an applause for…. MAJESTIA (aka actually decent Powergirl redesign/Non Superman)

SPARROW (Aka yet another Robin that may get hit by a crowbar)

UNCANNEY VALLEY (aka The Shipper on Deck/Cleopatra in Tin Foil/Vision as your Waifu/the dumbest name you could have chosen for a character!)

NIGHT OWL (aka Alan Moore is going to be pissed!/Oh look, it’s Batman!)

You get where I am coming from when I call them expies, right?

Anyway, with the plane safe the class finally gets to New York. Both Sparrow and Uncanney Valley get tasked to go undercover with the students and assure they are save during the trip, because plot reasons and New York is supposedly enough of a safe place that their services aren’t needed to fight bigger threats currently. Which confirms at the very least that a) this is not the Marvel Universe cause at this point the town may be ground zero yet again and b) a way more enjoyable version of the Big Apple than the real deal.

By the way, these are Uncanney (left) and Sparrow’s (right) civilian identities :

I can now imagine Dobson wanting to proclaim how problematic the character is for being a native American who looks the way she does. But believe me. It gets kinda worse in all the right ways.

Also, we are 28 minutes into the movie and we are introduced to the dumbest thing in the movie yet. The arch enemy of the Condiment King; Hot Dog Dan.

A superhero hot dog vendor seller with a flying hot dog truck, whose hot dogs give you temporarily some random superpowers when you eat them. And it seems he uses hot dog tongs as weapons.

I don’t know what the people making this show take, but I am torn between wanting some of that myself and putting them into rehab.

I really bring the character just up because he is as a concept in itself so ridiculous that part of me thinks he is a fever dream of Dobson. Otherwise he has no real bearing on what is going to happen on the rest of the movie. He is just relevant for a three minute long scene of a house roof party during which Adrien and Marinette dance for a bit.

Speaking of relevance, the next day the class finally gets to do something on the trip that leads into conflict for our heroes to face. During a visit of the museum where the La Fayette related Miraculous is hold, Uncanny and Sparrow decide to play shipper on deck by forcing Marinette and Adrien in a room and attempting to set a really stupid plot into motion (and no, I don’t mean they enforce a reenactment of Steven Universe or something). At the same time the villains finally do something, when Hawkmoth (now in New York) turns Techno Pirate into his latest minion and have him attack the museum to steal a saber by La Fayette as distraction, while he takes the charm he is out for. Long story short: Our heroes FINALLY transform and have to fight with Uncanney and Sparrow against Techno Pirate on the roofs of Manhattan.

And while I don’t think it is all that great of a fight, it still means something aside of Marinette cringing her way through the plot is happening and the heroes are actually in decent peril. Plus during the fight the movie gives me one of the funniest moments possible. You want to know what it is?

Well, while fighting the bad guy, Cat Noir and Ladybug obviously trigger their miraculouses. And what does Ladybugs miraculous turn into this time, to help her develop a strategy to defeat the villain and save the day?

A bikepump.

... yeah, I am going to give all of you now 5 minutes to laugh it off. Believe me, I needed them too.

Sure, it is a cartoon and I doubt anyone working on the show is even aware of our favorite uncare bear, but come on. At this point the universe itself is either mocking Dobson or tries to set up the perfect opportunity for an obvious joke from my side.

Not helped by the fact that once the bike pump shows up, the dialogue between characters that follows is, and I quote:

Cat: A bicycle pump? What are you going to do with that?

Ladybug: I may have an idea, but you wouldn’t like it

Anyway, believe it or not, the fight actually ends with a surprising shock moment. Cat Noir, while having his cataclysm powers active (you know, the powers that make him decompose anything he touches), being thrown by Techno Pirate at Ladybug, resulting in Uncanney protecting her and being turned into scrap metal. Which in turn causes Techno Pirate to make the acquaintance with Majestia’s fist, as Uncanney is more or less her adopted daughter and I guess she has seen what was going on (but did not interfere because the plot says so) until now, pummeling him so hard he flies through a few buildings and causes at least three 9/11 to happen on this day in New York.

So, yeah. Uncanney is dead. The heroes experiencing their darkest hour in the movie.

… welp, can’t have that for long, so less than 2 minutes later Ladybug uses the Magical bikepump…

5 minutes of laughter later

Got it out of the system? Good. As I was saying; She uses the fetish toy to reset all the damage done by the akumatized villain and in doing so fixes Uncanney too.

Welp, that was a waste of tension. Guess someone watched the entire Lars dying thing from Steven Universe.

So, damage undone, but Majestia and Night Owl pretty pissed at what happened, want Ladybug and Cat Noir to give up their miraculouses (I assume that is the correct plural) until they leave New York. You would expect this to result in some dramatic chase scene or confrontation with the older heroes, but because this movie has just like 22 minutes left and we need to close act two now, our heroes instead flee and end up in the sewers of New York.

There they do NOT team up with a group of mutated reptiles, but have a heart to heart talk (I never thought I would agree with Dobson on something, but I have to agree on this: The show is kinda fixated on having important stuff happening in sewer channels) that is sort of an argument Cat Noir and Ladybug also had during the fight. You see, because those two idiots haven’t figured out their respective civilian identities yet (something even Sailor Moon would have figured out AFTER THREE SEASONS!) Marinette assumed that Cat Noir would be in Paris while she is in New York to keep the city save. And Adrien/Noir was okay with making the promise of keeping the city initially save, because his dad only allowed him on the trip the day after he made the promise. So when the two transform out of sight of the other in New York and meet, instead of asking some logical questions (like “where is Marinette/Adrien and why is Cat/Ladybug here?”) they kinda argue wtf Cat is doing here while Paris may be in danger.

Long story short, she is angry at him, he feels guilty for having disappointed her and the thing with turning Uncanney into scrap, Paris was attacked by Hawkmoth’s secretary unleashing temporarily some monster clone because Hawkmoth thought that distracts the heroes in Paris (and really just results in damage that makes a city that experienced the destruction of Notre Dame the year prior just feel numb) and because this is the turning point in the plot, our hero needs to do something just a bit too melodramatic. Which is that Adrien gives up his powers and runs away.

… so, up to the final part in which things to care about start to happen.

Hawkmoth now has the Miraculous and unleashes its Kwami who is this eagle themed little thing referring to itself as the “Kwami of Freedom”.

… Yeah, this thing was NOT around for the last 200 years, wasn’t it?

Anyway, it states that its powers are based on “freeing” people of limitations to achieve their full potential. What does that mean practically? It means that when Techno Pirate holds its powers on top of his regular powers increased by being akumatized, he can unleash some energy attack that removes moral inhibitions when getting hit by it.

… So it basically unleashes the Purge.

Which is exactly what happens to Majestia and Night Owl, turning one into Man of Steel Superman causing nine additional 9/11s on top of the three prior (how the fuck did this movie manage to turn an American tragedy in a measuring unit?) and the other into All Star Batman.

Oh and it turns the President of the USA into a worse war monger than people accuse Trump of being.

Oh, this is NOT going to sit well with anyone...

… Yeah, sidenote: The president of the USA in this movie is essentially Michelle Obama who ALSO is a superhero with an American flag theme and besties with Majestica and Night Owl, trying to protect the exchange students. Because supposedly NOTHING better needs to be done. Once she gets hit by the “Freedom Feathers” or whatever you want to call the Kwami power, she pulls out the Football and activates turrets all over the USA, ready to blow up anything that moves into smithereens. Including at least 10.000 such turrets on the roofs of New York and a nuclear missile in the bay near the Statue of Liberty.

I’ll take it to the people with the eagle not the dove. If there is one thing that obedience is symptomatic of, it’s W-E-A-P-O-N-R-Y... WEAPONRY, from above!

(BTW, the rocket is animated like shit!)

I get the feeling someone on the production team is not the biggest fan of America.

Anyway, with the heroes being useless and Marinette and Adrien mopping around for what happened during the battle (and Adrien being tricked by his dad to leave New York and get back on a plane cause this town is not save and Adrien can’t fucking stand up to his emotionally abusive father), Uncanney and Sparrow have to get the ball rolling so the day can be saved. Which means that Sparrow and Ladybug try to fight and distract people for time (off screen mostly), while Uncanney hijacks Adrien’s plane and brings him back to take up the gimp suit of Cat Noir again. Oh yeah, almost forgot, Uncanney, cause she is a robot, has figured out easily who Ladybug and Adrien really are cause scanning. Making our heroes literally dumber than a walking toaster.

So the four finally together, fight Techno Pirate on the Statue of Liberty a second time (after some hijinx with another corrupted hero whose power is literally to create portals through doors, but he is irrelevant for anything so I skipped him up until now) and defeat him. He loses the Miraculous, Sparrow takes it on and becomes its next official owner, resulting in her costume turning into THIS

So now we have the native American girl turn into an eagle based superhero with a costume that looks like out of a western based Lego set.

Real talk here: Unlike Dobson I do not believe that everything is political or offensive or some other shit. In fact I hate his comic where he talks about “skin color changes” of the black characters in Ladybug, because he essentially tries to create a race issue and tension where there is none, just because he is a social justice moron. Which gets especially funny when his ideas for a progressive female results in characters like the black rat pirat who kicks you in the face for being hetero or infantilizing the characters of Patty to make them visually more appealing to Max Karson.

That said, in this day and age, doing a character like that… kinda yaiks.

Like, on one hand I think the girl has an enjoyable personality and the design of her hero outfit is okay for a kids cartoon. It’s not like she also talks in some cartoonishly native way or has suddenly a tomahawk as a weapon.

On the other hand, it is kinda stereotypical from multiple ankles and unfortunately there is nothing to the character past this point. Oh sure, Sparrow has now Miraculous powers, but really, all she does now is just use her powers to nullify Techno Pirates influence on the adult heroes before Majestia manages to reenact the bad ending for Majora’s mask and that is it.

Granted, there is Hawkmoth also almost starting World War 3, but that is really just happening at the site and dealt with almost instantly. To be more specific, because Ladybug and Cat Noir did not hand over their Miraculous, he lets Techno Pirate launch one of the missiles near the Statue of Liberty (worse president than Trump, honestly) but before the thing can hit anything, Majestia sweeps it away and throws it into the sun.

You know, if the show writers want to make Adrien’s dad even remotely “sympathetic” or interesting/intelligent, they increasingly fail. Cause I don’t know about you, but causing World War 3 does not really feel like it will benefit in bringing your comatose wife back.

Bottom line: Nuke has been burned, Techno Pirate gets defeated, all the damage reseted, Sparrow is now the official owner of the latest Miraculous and renames herself Eagle, everyone is happy, there is a big celebration for the class and Hawkmoth is convinced there might be other missing Miraculous all over the globe he wants to get his hands on, meaning season 4 may have more globe trotting Miraculous “action” once it starts.

And also the last scene of the movie shows Eagle and Uncanney meeting some other guardian of the Miraculous box who wants the Eagle charm, but she seemingly convinces him to team up, solidifying that this one hour “movie” was really just a backdoor pilot for a tie in series about an American centered heroine that is so big, a freaking monster truck could pass through this backdoor.

Yeah, if you can’t tell, I am not a big fan of what I saw.

Look, I will openly admit that my opinion on this is in large parts already tainted by me not being part of the demographic which enjoys the show. So this was never going to be considered “good” in my opinion. That said, I tried to be neutral to it for the sake of fairness. And I kinda failed.

Sorry, but I genuinely do not think this is a good “movie”. First, with barely 65 minutes I don’t really consider it a movie and more of a tv special meant to lead into the next season of the show. Second, I expect of a movie based on a tv show to have slightly higher stakes and presentation value to it than what you would expect from any average episode it has to offer. Which this thing doesn’t. Oh sure, the animation is slightly improved in some scenes, but overall just the same. And frankly, the writing is just still as “bad” as in the original show, if in parts not even worse. Aside of the typical stables, such as the cringy romance that does not move forward but is kinda on the forefront, the main heroes stumbling more or less into the situations instead of being more active in their duties, Hawkmoth not even in a movie having a genuine plan aside of “get this, see how it will help me defeat two kids and fail”, the movie also just never manages to induce a proper escalation of conflict to make it feel like something “special”. For example, we have a shitton of temporarily corrupted heroes. Do Ladybug and Cat Noir ever properly face them off at one point or have meaningful/fun interactions with Sparrow and Uncanney or each other outside of the first three minutes of the movie? Nope! I can name a few movies based on animated shows that gave me enjoyment, even those following basic shonen anime rules. But this one isn’t really among them. And taking into account that I consider at least the Steven Universe movie enjoyable in a dumb way, that says something.

There is also just the fact that it takes away from Ladybug and Cat Noir too much. Sure, I don’t like the romance stuff with them because I think it plays out in some of the cringiest way possible. But I would have been okay with them or other already established sidecharacters doing other stuff and having to face some conflict that is centered more around them.

Instead the movie finds this bizarre disbalance where it focuses too much and yet too little on completely new characters, that feel shoehorned in to create a starting point for a spin off, making Cat Noir and Ladybug secondary characters in their own movie.

I mean sure, I have seen many shonen anime based movies where there is a set of “movie only” characters interacting with our heroes, but they don’t take too much away from the heroes being heroes. Say what you want about the 13th movie of any long running shonen anime, at least Luffy, Naruto, Son Goku etc. are still the central characters of their respective franchise affiliated flic. Here however we take too much away from Ladybug and Cat, while at the same time focusing also too much on their “struggle” as Marinette and Adrien (or rather just Marinette making a fool out of herself while Adrien is utterly obvious to her behavior) while the major heroics are reserved for the movie characters only, that this entire thing should just be renamed “The Adventures of Mummy Robot and Not Robin, also starring two underaged kids that Dobson is obsessed about!”

All that said, I will give it a few things.

1) Uncanney and Sparrow/Eagle, despite my jabs, are kinda enjoyable in terms of personality. So are their partners/parents (Majestica and Night Owl are actually the (adoptive?) mothers of their sidekicks and also a couple openly caling themselves love, so yay, L(GBT) representation) and if the show would ever decide to focus also a few episodes on other characters aside of Ladybug and Cat Noir, I wouldn’t mind to see them. I just don’t think they are the most original characters out there and I think I may speak for some fans of the show when I say it sucks, that when it comes to the “action” within this “action adventure show”, they take up the spotlight from the actual main characters.

2) The fight scenes against Techno Pirate were okay overall. Nothing mind blowing animation wise but okay for the standards of this franchise.

3) Eagle’s costume design is not the worst despite my jabs at it being “stereotypical”, at least under consideration of cartoon designs (again, I can think of more offensive shit from the 90s or the Dobbear himself)

4) Well, it wasn’t for me, but I can say it was at least still on the same level of quality as the show. Make out of that comment however whatever you want.

My verdict: Three out of five Dobson’s would approve this movie. The other two would rant about stereotypes and be too busy incest shipping Majestia with Uncanney based on one shot of the movie. And none of them would acknowledge the flaws that make the “movie” a badly disguised jumping point for a spin off that makes the Equestria Girls look subtle.

Hope you got some enjoyment out of this rant that ironically may have been overall more retarted and detailed than anything Dobson may ever say in regard of this movie.

#miraculous ladybug #movie #marinette dupen chang #andrew dobson #so you are a cartoonist #syac #movie sperging #animated movie #sucks #mock #review #adrien x marinette

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lovewriting-5 · 4 years ago

Text

Rules:

*gif credit goes to @creating-tabs*

5. Sanctuary

7. Bending Laws

6. The Gingerbread House:

It was a week later at the Reynolds’ house. I woke up to the sun filtering in from the windows. I faintly heard footsteps moving around upstairs. I sat up and stretched. I stood up and folded the blankets. Claire came downstairs and made her way to the kitchen. I said “Morning, Claire.” She said “Morning, (Y/N).” She looked dressed and ready for the day. I grabbed my change of clothes laying at the end of the couch and head into the bathroom. I come back out ready for the day. I walked back to the couch and put the blankets away.

A few minutes later, Stephen came down the stairs ready for the day as well. He said “Morning, (Y/N).” I said “Morning, Stephen.” Claire had started a pot of coffee. They both grabbed themselves a cup and sat at the kitchen island. I got myself a glass of water.

The guest bedroom door opened and then closed a second later. We heard tiny footsteps rushing down the stairs. Stephen says “Daniel, must be awake.” Sure enough there he was. Daniel says “Morning.” Claire says “Morning, sweetie.” I say “Morning, Daniel.” Stephen says “Morning.” Excitedly, he asks “Grandpa, can we play with the train set upstairs again?” Stephen says “Of course.”

Ten minutes later, the both of them were off upstairs. A few minutes later, the train has left the station. Claire must have noticed the shark tooth necklace around my neck earlier but she didn’t know when the best time was to ask about it. We were sitting at the kitchen island having a conversation, she asks “I noticed the shark tooth necklace around your neck. Where’d you get it?”

I didn’t know how to answer. Sean and I have talked about how much we want to reveal to them. I tell her “Sean...gave it to me.” She says “That’s nice.” She didn’t press on more. A couple minutes later, she says “Guess I better get breakfast started.” I ask “Would you like some help?” She said “That would be lovely, thanks.” She decided to make scrambled eggs and waffles. I got the ingredients out for her as she instructed me on what to add when.

From above we hear Daniel, “Choo choo!” Stephen says “Careful chief! You’re going too fast!” He says “We have to! We’re late on schedule!” Sean must have just woken up because we hear the guest room door opening a second time. I hear Daniel say “Sean! Finally!” Claire shouts up to him, “Sean, are you awake? Breakfast’s almost done, so come down when you’re ready, okay?” He shouts back, “Okay!”

The sound of the train set was still going. Claire sat back down at the island. Breakfast was just finishing up when footsteps can be heard coming down the stairs. I turn and see him enter the kitchen. Claire says “Oh my, look who’s awake! Good morning, sleepyhead...” I say “Morning.” He sleepily, says “Morning. It’s that bed...feels like a cloud.” She tells him “I know!”

Sean sits down next to me at the island. Plates and silverware were sitting in the middle. I pass one to him and he sets it down next to him. He sets one in front of him. I set one in front of me. Claire calls upstairs, “Daniel, breakfast time! Your brother and (Y/N) are ready!” Daniel yells down, “Grandpa is showing me a boxcar!” She yells “Stephen, your grandson needs to eat now! You can show him the boxcar later!” She turns back to us and says “I love how they’re getting along...” I nod in agreement.

Sean asks “What’s on the menu this morning?” Claire says “Well, someone told me the buttermilk waffles are back.” He says “Mmmm-hmmm! Awesome!” I say “They smell delicious!”

Daniel comes into the kitchen and takes a seat next to Sean. Claire asks “Are you boys done playing?” He tells her “We had an express delivery with the passengers, but...the engine broke down!” Stephen comes in with the engine in hand, “Yep. Has to go straight to the workshop!” She reminds him “Good...No trains in the kitchen remember?” He says “Gotcha, chief.” Daniel says “Choo choo!”

Claire went to open a drawer when the handle came off. She says “Oh, sugar! He can fix trains but...not my kitchen...” She picks up the frying pan and walks back over to us. We hold our plates up as she scrapes scrambled eggs and waffles onto them. Sean pours himself and Daniel some orange juice. I stand up and get more water. I sit back down and begin eating.

In what seemed like a long time, these tasted like the best scrambled eggs and waffles I’ve ever tasted. Claire asks “Did I make enough? Everything’s okay?” I tell her “It tastes delicious!” Sean says “It’s great as usual!” Daniel says “You’re the best cook ever!”

Claire says “Looks like you’re getting cozy with this new country life, after all!” I say “Yeah...It’s nice to be far away from everything...feels like we’re the only ones out here...” She says “Well, that’s exactly why we love it. It feels safe, unlike the big city...” Sean says “I get it.” Daniel says “I like it. It’s cool here!” She says “Well, bless your soul. You’d get along good with our neighbors. We try to lend a hand...like to Charles next door...He lost his wife and...things have been hard on him and his son...He would just get lost in Seattle. But we’re all taking care of him here...”

Daniel says “How old is his son?” Claire tells him “I think he’s your age!” He says “Ooh, cool!” After we finish eating, he quickly glances at Claire and then lifts his hand a few inches off the counter. The plates and utensils start stacking together into the middle. Sean and I don’t say anything and he gently sets them down.

Claire walks back over to the island to see how we’re doing. While laughing, she says “And I thought Stephen was a fast eater!” She takes the plates and utensils. Daniel begins “Hey, grandma? I wanted to ask you something...about that locked room upstairs...”

Sean and I look at him. Claire says “I told you there is nothing to see in it, Daniel...” He asks “Why were you in it this morning, then?” She continues “Because there’s a lot of old junk in there, and...Besides, it’s not safe for you to explore, okay?” He says “But we’ll be fine —“ Claire turns away silent.

Claire puts the dishes into the sink. She says “Why don’t you go explore outside? You sure look like you’re getting better. Get some fresh air!” Daniel says “I’ll wait for Sean and (Y/N)! And then we’ll go! We won’t be loud! Promise!” She says “But be careful nobody sees you. Stay in the back, okay?”

Sean waits for Daniel to leave before he says “Maybe you should tell him that it was Karen’s room...” Claire says “It’s just a room now, Sean...Nothing to see...” He tells her “Daniel needs that...He doesn’t know anything about her...” A little sincere, she says “I know, poor thing...but his mother isn’t in there anymore...So nobody goes in the room, okay? I’m serious...”

He asks “Did mom ever contact you? She only talked to dad a few times...then she was gone...” Claire sighs “Yes, she was...You know, Sean, I don’t really want to talk about this anymore. It’s over...Anyway...You have to respect my rules under my roof, okay?” He says “Of course...Always.” I say “Okay.” Claire says “I appreciate that...Now, you both better go find Daniel...”

She starts walking out of the kitchen when she adds, “There’s a shed with some old toys outside...I’ll...bet Stephen has the key.” Sean says “Daniel will freak...” I tell her “Thank you...”

We place our glasses in the sink as Claire sits in her recliner. We start walking around the house. Sean checks on Daniel who is working on homework. I peak out the window near the back door. Then I go over to the aquarium to try and find the fish. Sean comes back into the living room. Claire says “Sorry for getting upset, I...I just don’t feel comfortable talking about all this.” He tells her “It’s...It’s fine, really. We don’t have to.”

The three of us all of a sudden hear a faint pop. I jumped a tiny bit. Claire says “What? He’s letting him play with firecrackers again? Aw, for Christ sakes...”

Sean begins “Hey, Claire...” Claire asks “What’s on your mind, Sean?” He asks “Do you know anything about...dad’s funeral?” She says “There was a service...we couldn’t make it in time, but we sent flowers. I’m sorry, Sean...” He says “It’s okay...I just wanted to make sure...somebody took care of him...” Claire says, sincere “Hopefully...you can go visit him at some point...” He says “At some point...yeah.”

I look up from the aquarium, ask “I hope this isn’t out of line but if you don’t mind me asking, what did you think of him?” Sean says “You can tell me. I won’t get mad.” Claire begins “Well, your father was...He was his own person.” He says “That’s it? I mean...I know you guys didn’t really get along...” She continues “It’s just...Esteban was very different from us. And he never took a single step to change any of that.” I saw that that struck a little nerve with him. He took a few seconds before saying anything. He says “Sounds like dad. He wasn’t one to smooth things over.” Claire says “Trust me, I know the type. But he did raise you boys on his own. Can’t argue with that.” He says “Yeah...He worked his ass off for us...Wish I’d realized that sooner.” She says “Don’t worry, Sean.”

I ask “What’s the story with your neighbor?” Claire explains “Charles? Poor man used to be a basketball coach, but had to move out here after his wife’s passing...He’s got a job at the rail yard now, and...Well, he’s still recovering.” Sean says “Wow...I mean, that’s sad.” She says “We try to give him a hand...Keep an eye on his...drinking problem. His son, Chris, is a little angel, though. I think Daniel would be a good infuence on him...He’s got great role models, after all...” He says “Thanks...” I add “We’re trying our best.” Sean says “Wel...Thanks, Claire.” She says “You are very welcome...It’s always a pleasure.”

Daniel comes into the living room. Sean says to him, “Man. Can you imagine watching a slasher movie out here? Deep in the woods...No one around...” I say “Yeah, that would be really cool.” Daniel says “No way! Too scary...” Still examining the aquarium, I ask “Have you ever seen any actual fish in here?” They say “Never...” Daniel goes over to Claire and asks “Hey, grandma, where are the fish?” She says “Well, there’s only one, and he’s terribly shy...”

Sean sits in a side corner by the TV and pulls out his sketchbook. Daniel and I sit on the couch. He says “Hey! We wanna be in your drawing!” Claire says “Awww, don’t draw me like this, Sean. I’m a mess!” He says “Don’t worry, I’m drawing the whole room.” He begins sketching. She adds “Good. It’s so nice to see you practice, you’re so passionate!”

After he finishes sketching, he says “I’m gonna go see Stephen in his study and get the key.” Daniel says “Cool.” He leaves the room to head to the study. I go and look at the ship in the bottle. I ask “What happened to the ship?” Claire says “Oh, that thing? Stephen made it years ago, but it fell and he doesn’t know how to fix it...” I say “That’s sad...Looks pretty cool, anyway...” She says “Yeah, well...It’s life!” Daniel and I sat back on the couch. We just chit chatted.

Before Sean left the study, Daniel decided to go and hide. He didn’t tell me where he was going. Claire is about to walk out the door when she runs into Sean. I hear her say “Oh, there you are, Sean! Got the key? Hey, I have to go out and run some errands...Can you do me a big favor? Do you know how to work a washing machine?” He tells her “Since I was about 8...” She says “Of course...Can you throw in the clothes from the basket after the next load? They’re in the bathroom.” He says “Totally, yeah...No problem.” She says “Thank you so much...Feel free to start tidying up too, it’s good for the health to keep a house clean.” Sean tells her “Definitely. They can help too.” She says “Oh, and remember, for your own safety, no phone and no internet. I know, I know, boring rules...” He says “Don’t worry, Claire.” The front door opens and then closes.

Sean comes back into the living room. He mentions that he got the key and a little bit of what him and Stephen talked about. He noticed Daniel was gone. He asks “Where’s Daniel?” I tell him “Hiding.” He asks “Want to help me find him?” I say “Of course.”

Sean held a finger up and calls out, “Hey, Daniel! There’s work for you!” From somewhere in the house, he yells back “Uh, no! I’m busy!” I shake my head, smiling. Sean yells back “Busy my ass! Come over here!” He yells while laughing, “You gotta find me first!” Sean says “Jeez...” We check all over the first floor but no luck. Then we head upstairs. We check their bedroom but nothing. Sean points in the direction of the bathroom and says “Shhhh...”

We came up with a quick plan. We noticed the shower curtain closed and the door wide open. I go to the shower curtain and Sean stays kind of hidden in front of the bathroom door. I say “I know you’re in there...” I pull back the curtain but no luck. Daniel comes from behind the door, “BEHIND YOU!” That’s when Sean grabs his arm and says “GOTCHA!” We both laugh. Daniel says “Okay, okay...”

Sean says “No more hiding, seriously!” Daniel says “Okay, okay. What do I have to do?” I tell him “You tidy the mess in your room and we’ll take care of the rest. Cool?” He says “Yeah, sure...it sucks...” He walks out the bathroom and toward their room. Sean says “We know...Thanks.” I help him carry the laundry. I say “All right. Let’s get it over with.” We take the laundry downstairs and put them in the washer. We look at the controls, Sean says “How many programs doses this thing have? Okay. It will do.”

We walk out and go back into the living room. We see Daniel quickly hang up the phone. Sean says, furiously “What the hell are you doing?” Daniel says “What? I just picked up the phone!” He says “You know what, dude? We are not supposed to be here. Who was it?” Daniel says “I don’t know! Some kid! It was just a prank...” I tell him “We know, just...be careful, okay?” Daniel says “Don’t worry!”

We walk to the back door, I say “You guys ready? We can go out, now.” They say “Yes!” We put our winter gear on. I open the back door and we step outside into the snow.

The snow looked beautiful with the sun shimmering off it. There was a slight breeze. We could hear water splashing around from next door. Daniel says “Aawwww! Man, finally! Feels so good to be outside. Reminds me of the cabin. Aowwwwww!” Sean and I join in, “Owwoooooo!” He says “Watch out for the pack!” We walk around the yard and check things out for a few minutes. We head over to the shed. Sean takes the key out of his pocket and tries to unlock the main door. He says “Get ready for storage wars?” I ask “What’s wrong?” He says “Frozen shut! Of course...”

We all of a sudden hear something running through the snow. Daniel says as he points to the house next door, “Look!” We watch as a kid climbs up the steps of his treehouse. One of them breaks and the kid starts to fall. I gasp and place my hands over my mouth. Daniel extends his hand and stops the kid from hitting the ground. I see out of the corner of my eye that Sean pushes Daniel’s arm down as the kid is gently lowered to the ground.

The kid examines his hands. We walk closer to the fence with Daniel fast walking in front. We wave to him. The kid waves back. He asks “Hmmm...uh...Did you see that?” I say “Yeah...We did...It looks like you’re okay, though...” Daniel says “You were almost floating!” The kid says “I-I was...I was! I could feel myself in the air...It-It was awesome...”

The kid had on some sort of costume. Daniel says “That’s an awesome costume...Who’s your favorite superhero? I love...” At the same time, they say “Power Bear!” The kid says “Oh man, I have the Mega Power Bear! You should check it out!” He says “Dude, that’s so cool!”

A man comes running up to the kid, kneels down and places his hands on his shoulders. The man says “Chris, oh god...Look, I am so sorry, are you okay?” They hug. Chris says “Dad, I’m fine! I promise!” Sean and I look at each other concerned. The man says “Are you sure? Listen, I shouldn’t have...”

The man looks over through the fence and notices us standing there. He stands up and puts an arm around his son. He asks “Do you know them?” Chris says “It’s-It’s okay, dad, they’re cool! He loves superheroes! Even Power Bear!” The man says “Ah...gotcha...Hey, there...Are you staying with the Reynolds?” Sean says “Oh...Uh...Yeah. They’re our grandparents.”

The man says “I see...Oh jeez, Chris...you don’t have any damn shoes on. I’m sorry, buddy, let’s get you inside...” Chris says a little defeated, “I, uh...Yeah, okay dad...” The man says “Thanks, guys...Oh, and...uh...if Claire asks, tell her everything is fine...” Sean and I say “Sure...” He adds “No problem.” The man says “Cool. See you around, then.”

Chris gets onto his dad’s back. He says “Thanks, guys...See you later...” Daniel tells him “Yes we will!” We wave to them as they walk back towards their house.

Sean frustratedly, says “Daniel! Did you forget everything about the rules already?” I say “Sean, it’s fine.” Daniel says “Sorry...Did you want me to let him fall? Really?” I calmly tell him, “No, you...You did the right thing. But listen...We can’t let anybody know...We have to keep a low profile out here...” Daniel stuck his tongue out at Sean. He says “He’s like my age...I bet you would have done the same exact thing...Don’t be mad...” Sean tells him “I’m not mad, dude. It’s...It’s over.”

Sean reminds him “Daniel! Remember that we’re hiding out...So no training and no showing off your power...” I tell him “From now on, you stick with us all the time...Okay?” We playfully push each other and walk back towards the shed laughing.

#Sean Diaz x reader #Sean Diaz imagines #Life is Strange 2 fanfiction #Sean Diaz #Life is Strange 2 #LiS2 #Life is Strange #LiS #Life is Strange fanfiction #Life is Strange x reader #Life is Strange 2 x reader

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wiebkesf1paddock · 5 years ago

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Stuck Inside

A/N: Well hello there everyone!

Due to this isolation-Corona-situation I finally decided to come back to writing fanfiction after like 4 years. So, please don't expect the best of writing, but I am surely trying my best!

This time I'm around with formula 1 oneshots. I do take requests (if I get some) and will try to do all of them (again, if there are any).

I will write solely about F1 drivers (and Nico Hülkenberg because I love him). Fluff imagines or oneshots literally about all of them, nsfw-stuff not about: Kimi, Seb, Perez. I simply don't feel comfortable with that.

If you have any requests, any constructive criticism about the plot or the style of my writing, please let me know! English is not my first language and I will try to improve wherever I can.

I hope I can get you through this shitty time with this. Have fun reading! Love you!

I hope you enjoy this first one with Charles. I was inspired by the movie 'Two Night Stand' for this one. I know that a government probably won't be this harsh with their rules, but let's just ignore that for the sake of the story. This one will probably have like three parts.

Wiebke :)

Warnings: none

Word count: 2328

Part 1

You woke up and looked around. Okay. Fuck. You were not in your own bed. Means that something bad besides your hangover happened last night. When you turned around in the bed, you found yourself face to face with a sleeping guy. A quick look under the blanket showed you that he was only in his boxers and you only had your top and some knickers on as well. You couldn’t remember going home with someone, only the kisses you shared with some dude last night at the party at your friends’ house. But you couldn’t tell whether it was the same fella or not. He was very handsome though; you could not deny that. Just as you wanted to slip away from under the blanket, his eyes opened, and he looked at you with a soft smile.

“Good morning there,” he spoke, and you could make out his French accent pretty well.

“Er…yeah good morning…” you were embarrassed that you did not remember his name.

“Charles,” he said, as if he was able to read your mind. “Strange…last night you knew my name pretty well. I actually think everyone in Monaco knows it now,” he teased a bit with a smug grin on his face.

You rolled your eyes at his remark but could not keep the blood from rushing to your face. “Well, it can’t have been this good, because I actually don’t remember any of it at all,” you countered and were pleased to see that that actually hit him off-guard.

He quickly gained his confidence back and grinned at you. “Touché. That was a good one. So, you are hungover, yes?”

The way he was speaking was so cute you actually had to shoot him a real smile. “Yes, a bit. And I actually have no memory of what happened last night. Sorry.”

Charles sat up and smiled warmly at you. “No problem. You can lie down again if you want and I get you some pain killers and water.”

“Oh. Yeah. That would be nice. Thank you. And after that I will go, I promise. Normally I don’t even stay this long.”

Charles cocked an eyebrow at you as he got up: “Normally? So, you do that very often then?” In that moment you could have slapped yourself for saying that. It sounded like you were having one-night stands on a regular basis. Which was not the case. Actually, it was the first one you had, since you and your ex broke off over one year ago. But what angered you even more was that Charles had the audacity to think that he had the right to judge you.

“What if? You just had a one-night stand as well. Who are you to judge me?” you snapped at him and he held up his hands in defense.

“Sorry. Relax. It was just a joke.”

He exited the room and you got up from the bed and took your phone out of your purse. You had ten missed calls from your best friend and some messages also from your family.

“What the hell?!” you mumbled to yourself as you sat down on the bed again to look through them.

Your eyes widened when you read what she wrote:

Y/B/F/N: Girl I hope you had a good night! I sure did and your fella was so handsome! But call me as soon as you wake up if you haven’t read the news yet!

Dad: I hope. You are fine and staying safe! We will try to get you back here as soon as possible! But you have to stay inside with Y/B/F/N!

These messages didn’t make any sense and you thought that the best thing to do was to call Y/B/F/N. She quickly picked up the phone.

“Hey Y/N! So glad you called me! Are you safe?” she asked sounding concerned.

“Yeah I am. Are you? I am still at the flat of my one-night stand. Still deciding whether he is a jerk or not.”

“Well I hope he is a good guy, because you have to stay with him for a little longer. We all are not allowed to go anywhere right now. Monaco is on lockdown.”

“What lockdown?! What is going on?” You started to panic a bit not understanding what exactly your friend was talking about.

“Yeah lockdown! Because of the Corona virus. Someone tested positive here and now everyone has to stay inside for at least 24h so that they can test the relatives and friends of the person. First Corona case here. The government went completely nuts.”

“Oh shit, what?! No, no, no. Do you know how fucked up it is to stay with your one-night stand? Like…what am I supposed to do? Oh no.”

“You will have to deal with it, Y/N. I’m so sorry. At least he is hot. So, you could get it on a couple more times.” You could almost hear her smirk through the phone.

“Not helpful, Y/F/N!” you whisper-shouted; in that moment you saw, that Charles was approaching the bedroom. “Right, I got to go. We will speak later, okay? Stay safe!”

“You too! Call me if he turns out to be a creep! And remember to use protection!” Y/F/N laughed, and you rolled your eyes but had to laugh as well at the silly joke before ending the call the moment Charles entered the room, holding a glass of water with some aspirin already dissolved in it.

You put your phone away and tried not to blush at the sight you got. Charles was still only in his underwear and you hadn’t noticed before how fit he really was, but now his trained body was on full display and your friend was right. He was really hot.

“As much as I like that you are checking me out, I think you should check out this aspirin in water first. It will make your head less heavy.”

Instantly you felt the need to roll your eyes again. He was so nice to you but on the other hand he kind of acted like a douchebag.

“Thanks,” you said as you took the glass, he handed you. He had gotten himself a glass of water as well and sat down next to you on the edge of the bed.

“So, you know how I said that I would be leaving after having the aspirin?” you began talking, after downing the entire thing.

Charles nodded and looked at you, waiting for you to continue talking.

“Well…there is the first official case of Corona here in Monaco and we are not allowed to leave the flat for at least the next 24 hours. I talked to my friend on the phone and she said that the government went completely crazy and no one is allowed to go out for now,” you told him what your friend had said, “and I guess what I am trying to say is that I actually have to stay a bit longer.” You blushed again slightly when you looked at him because it was so uncomfortable for you to say that.

“Oh shit, what? I did not know that! I did not look at my phone yet. Of course, you can stay here! And just so you know, I did not ask you to leave right away anyway. So, I suggest I make a hangover breakfast and call my mother and brother and ask them if they are okay, and you can go and take a shower if you want. Towels are beneath the sink. I think I might also have a spar toothbrush in the cupboard next to the mirror. You can use that. And then we can talk about everything over breakfast?”

Now he was so nice again. You also weren’t sure he wanted to say that he actually did not want you to leave as soon as possible. But it sounded that way.

“Extra toothbrush, huh? So, you do this on a regular basis then?” you grinned and raised an eyebrow at him.

Charles chuckled lightly and shook his head. “I apologize for saying that okay? Let’s not bring this back. I make breakfast and you can get ready.”

“Alright. Sounds great. But I could help you with making breakfast. I don’t want you to think I’m taking advantage of you or am using you,” you replied.

He shook his head and smiled. “Don’t worry. I would not think that. You go and take a shower and then we can eat. The bathroom is down the hallway on the right side” he said and motioned in the direction where the bathroom was supposed to be.

You nodded and smiled at him while getting up and grabbing your phone.

“Alright, then…I will see you in a few minutes” you said while putting up a hand to wave at him.

Charles laughed and waved back, getting up from the bed as well moving towards his dresser. You turned around and exited the room. You couldn’t believe you waved at him. Waved! What was the matter with you today? Maybe the hangover had gotten into your head. You looked around the flat while going the way to the bathroom that Charles had described, and your eyes grew wider with each step you took. This boy had to have some money. His flat was actually really big, you had guessed that it was quite large because his bedroom was already huge, but the part of the apartment that you got to see on your way was even more impressive. It was really bright, and his furniture and decorations were chosen tastefully. When you found the bathroom, your breath hitched in your throat because, as you had already expected, it was big. There was a massive shower with a showerhead that was rainforest-style, there was also a big bathtub and it just looked all so beautiful and expensive that you were actually afraid of touching anything. You found a towel for yourself and took off your underwear. You turned on the shower and put it to a chilly temperature to wake yourself up and make yourself feel less shitty. It felt amazing to feel the water on your skin even though it was a bit cold, but you already could feel the dizzy feeling from your hangover fading off slightly. You looked around the shower and after some contemplating chose to use some of his shower-gel to wash off the smell of the previous night.

Just when you had gotten out of the shower and dried off the water that remained on your skin, and had brushed your teeth with the spare toothbrush, you remembered that you of course had no spare clothes with you because you didn’t plan on staying longer. However, you also did not want to put on your clothes from the previous day. You would have to ask Charles to use his laundry machine and probably remain in the towel in the meantime. Or maybe Charles could lend you some clothes. But that would be a bit strange. He wasn’t your boyfriend or anything and you did not want to creep him out. It was already so kind of him to let you stay at his apartment (although there was no other choice to be fair). You wrapped the towel tightly around you, took your dirty clothes and tapped out of the bathroom and followed the hallway. You heard some whistling and followed the sound, guessing it was Charles. You entered a living room that was connected to a big rooftop terrace, which could only mean that you were in the penthouse. You looked around to find that the living room was also included an open kitchen and dining area. Charles was hustling in the kitchen with a pan on the stove. He had not noticed you yet and was concentrating on preparing pancakes. “Erm Charles? Could I use your laundry machine to wash my clothes? Of course, I did not bring any spare clothing and I don’t want to put on the dirty laundry,” you said, and he turned around when he hard your voice.

His jaw dropped a bit at the sight of you only wrapped in a towel some drops of water you didn’t catch still glistening on your skin.

“I…yes of course. I will wash them of course! Do you want some clothes from me? I mean…I wouldn’t mind you staying in that towel but maybe that won’t be too comfortable for you,” he shrugged and had this boyish grin on his face again.

You felt a rush of heat shoot up your cheeks all the way to your ears at his remark and could not even say something back. Instead you just chose to nod your head.

“Right, let me get some clothes for you and give me your dirty ones. In the bedroom was some more right? I will take that too, okay? You look after the pancakes and I will be right back!” he said coming over to you and taking your top and panties out of your hands and rushing out of the room already before you could say something.

A few minutes later Charles came back with a t-shirt and some sweatpants for you.

“I don’t have women’s underwear, sorry. But yours will be ready in like two hours. So, I hope this is okay?” he asked while handing you the clothing.

“I mean I hope you don’t!” you laughed and took the garments from him. “Thank you so much though, Charles. This is all very kind of you. I will definitely pay you back for everything!”

“No, don’t worry about that! I am actually glad that you are still here! Now put on the clothes and I finish making breakfast. Do you want tea or coffee?”

You grinned and took the clothes from him. “I will go with tea, I think. It’s easier on the stomach.”

“Tea it is then.”

#charles leclerc #fanfiction #one shot #f1 fanfic #f1 #f1oneshots #f1 one shot #f1 imagine #sorry if this is shit

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seawolvesanddragons · 5 years ago

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Quarantine Cinema: Emma

OK to be upfront, I never read the book “Emma,” which is unusual for me when watching a movie based on a book. I actually haven’t read any of Austen since I was 13/14 and my mom told me I had to read “Pride and Prejudice” before I could read “Pride Prejudice and Zombies.” I will say that Austen has grown on me a little since my aggressively tomboy days of my early teens, so I was willing to give Emma a chance, as I was hearing good thing about it. Also I saw Clueless years ago and its one of the few 80/90s “classic” films I like so....onwards! -first off my favourite part: the CINEMATOGRAPHY? That scenery?! All the pastels on the inside contrasted with the simple yet gorgeous natural scenes outside, all the vivid green and rolling hills? What an aesthetic. -That being said, I spent about 30 percent of the film being like “is Emma in a nightdress? Is that an actual dress? It’s just white, I really can’t tell.” -The music was a little loud at times (that might have been the server I was watching it on) but I loved the choices, it added to the community feel of the film. -I knew roughly how the plot of Emma was supposed to go, but forgot until the dance that Emma and Knightley were supposed to be somehow related, and then had to pause the movie and try to figure out HOW they were related. I ended up looking it up and - did they SAY that they were in laws as well as childhood friends? Because I did not hear it. -but also that dance was so well done! The angles, the shots, the music, the acting...so good. It felt so intense and private even among a crowd -Look, Knightley is cool I guess, and the whole general demeanour of just lying on the floor pining is like...so relatable? ( Also the line “if I loved you less it might be I could talk about it more” like WTF? Who allowed Jane Austen to go so hard and be so relatable about love issues over 100 years ago? I felt CALLED OUT and I was NOT PREPARED to be so over my own complex love life issues from a movie I watched on a whim. ) BUT .... honestly I was pulling for a Jane Fairfax/Emma Woodhouse lesbian storyline from the moment I saw them interact for the first time. I mean, c’mon. Two girls that have been told since childhood they had to be friends and instead one comes to resent the other for reason she can’t quite figure out (ok, maybe because the other is SOOOO accomplished but also maybe because she has a crush and can’t deal with it) and then they reunite after many years and Jane is all quiet and reserved but seems to genuinely like Emma...i don’t know, from the moment I saw them in the piano scene I was like “I ship it, I want it, give it to me.” -Mr Woodhouse was hands down the best character and no I don’t take second opinions on this. -I also was shocked how many of the actors I knew/recognized? Like, I’m not a huge movie buff, especially in terms of non-franchise movies/shows; I know the main MCU ones, GOT and HP, LOTR, etc but that’s it. And yet I knew so many? Like, I recognized Ms Bates (my mom watched Call the Midwife) and Bill Nighy, and I don’t recall their names right now but the two from Sex Education and Prince Charles from the crown. - one of the most delightful things about the film were the little things, like the flour cake and how Emma’s opened the window to the carriage with her single finger, it was just so fun. - Ok I know enough about Austen to know that Emma is supposedly to be largely unlikeable, at least at first, but...I liked her throughout the whole movie? I don’t know how much of this is attributed to the actress’ ability or maybe just opinions on acceptable personality flaws have changed in the last 100 years, or maybe I’m also an asshole, or some combination of all three. So she’s spoiled, and thinks she’s always right, and bit naive. She’s also 21, dearly devoted to her friends/father, clearly intelligent, and she is right a good bit of the time.

-But honestly the only thing I really found fault with her was ruining Harriet’s first marriage prospect, because she didn’t think it was good enough for her. And yeah, that was super wrong, I don’t approve, but I do give her credit for not immediately thinking “Harriet is beneath me/others of my standing,” like, she even thought that Harriet could be with Frank Churchill. (Maybe she’s more visibly classist in the novel, I don’t know.)

-I liked that Emma wasn’t seeking out love or marriage (like many of Jane’s heroines, I gather) and was so devoted to her father and her friends. Her view of marriage was also appealing to me, given the time frame, that she knew she had an unusual amount of sway and power in the household, and no man would ever give her that amount again (except, maybe, Knightley I guess).

-I knew everyone is like “but Box Hill! She was rude!” and yeah, she was but...I don’t know that didn’t seem as aggrevious a fault as everyone was making it out to be. And again that might just be how the movie played it, not the novel, but I’m going off the movie here. Because yes, she was thoughtless, but you can see she immediately regrets her words, and not based on other’s reactions. As SOON as the words leave her lips she looks horrified at what she said. And this is after continuous time spent around Mrs Bates, and she quickly goes on her own accord to apologize. I know people like Mrs Bates, and they are annoying. That doesn’t make them bad people, but it does make it difficult for me to spend long amounts of hours around them. Mrs Bates is always running after Emma, repeatedly talking to her with stories of how amazing Jane is, and at times where it is clear that Emma is with her friend or shopping or otherwise. We all have a coworker like that, someone who always has a story of how amazing their child or niece or relative is, always turns the discussion back to that person, and is always dropping by your cubicle or sees you in the store and wants to talk for thirty minutes about the same topic every time. And yes, the decent thing to do is to make polite conversation, to reach out every now and again, especially in cases like Ms Bates were her circumstances are unfortunate and she is probably just lonely. But Emma DOES do that. She is clearly annoyed when Mrs Bates seeks her out for conversation, but she opens the carriage window, she doesn’t outright tell her to go away in the store, she holds her tongue for a considerable amount of the movie even if she tries to avoid her. (Which. Same. I would do the same and I know it.) She even invites her to her house after a lot of heavy and presumptuous hinting on Mrs Bates part, which is a lot more than most would probably do. So yeah, I didn’t really see “Box Hill” as evidence that Emma really had to turn around and become a better person, just someone who made a slip of tongue after what was probably hours of holding it, between both Ms Bates and the minister’s wife. -I hated the nosebleed. -Knightley’s whole thing with the screens was hilarious, between that and Harriet kissing her love interest I was like “none of these people are obeying propriety and chaperone rules and I love it.” -Overall, I liked it, I would probably give it a 8 out of ten on the personal enjoyment of it and artiste of it all.

#emma #emma woodhouse #emma 2020 #jane austen

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cbxlaineyaesthetic · 5 years ago

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You’ll Be In My Heart

“We are not naming them Luke and Leia.”

It’s a warm May evening and a very pregnant Lainey is laying back on the couch, her head on her husband's lap, and a bowl of reese's pieces positioned on her swollen belly as they watch a movie. “Besides, the doctor said they are both girls.”

CB groaned in frustration. “Why would a higher power give me twins and not make one of them a boy.” He quickly looked over at her and then put his hand on her belly. “I’m sorry girls, daddy loves you very much, but we really got to talk about names. I mean they are going to make their appearance any day now.”

Lainey sighed and looked down at her stomach. “I mean they could totally come out now, I’m ready.” She winced when one of the girls kicked her sharply. “Seriously, I’m ready.”

“But they can’t be nameless.” CB interjected and Lainey nodded in agreement. “So-”

“So, we are deciding tonight?” She asks and her husband nods his head. “Can I be honest with you, I have had one name on my mind, Theodora, for my Gam-Gam. I was thinking we can call her Thea for short.” Hazel eyes looked up at him with hope. “And then I thought about your Nana, Eleanor. So Thea and Ella, what do you think? Our girls are named after the two women who made us who we are today.”

CB beams at her. “I love that, and I think it will make Nana and Gam-Gam’s day when they meet them. How long have you been holding onto that one.”

Lainey moves the candy from her belly and sits up. “A while now, I don’t know, it just fits for the girls. Believe it or not, Beverly Goldberg put the thought it my head. I mean, she suggested that I name one of them after her, so it got the gears turning and-”

“You do know that means that she will be beyond disappointed when she finds out one of them isn’t named after her.” CB warns and Lainey shrugs. “I mean the woman has been a saint since you’ve been put on bedrest, cooking for us, coming over here while I’m at work, cleaning our house-”

“Easy fix, Theodora Beverly Brown and Eleanor Lillian Brown, I have it all planned out.” Lainey teases as she leans in and kisses her husband softly.

“Mm, did I ever tell you that you are a genius.” CB flirts back and then frowns when his wife pulls away, wincing. “What? Do I have popcorn breath or something?”

Lainey shakes her head no and puts a hand on her stomach. “No, it’s just- they are very aggressive with the kicking tonight.” She hisses again in pain and CB sits straight up. “Whoever is doing the kickings just needs to chill out.” Lainey said through gritted teeth.

“Are you sure it’s just kicking?” CB carefully asked, standing up to get the phone. “How long has it been going on?”

“Oh you know, since this afternoon- ow, damnit.” Lainey growls and then looks up at her husband. “What? Don’t look at me, it’s not time yet!”

CB nods his head, wanting to point out the fact that five minutes ago, she was lamenting about how she was ready. Now his strong wife looked terrified at the fact that it was time. “Okay, I’m going to get the bag ready and call your dad and my parents- and Beverly Goldberg to meet us at the hospital, I think it is time.”

Lainey takes a long breath in and stands up. “Look, babe, I am fine. No need to call anyone because I am perfectly-” And just like that, her water breaks and Lainey looks down at the stain on their new carpet. “Aw crap.” She curses and then rolls her eyes. “Don’t forget to call the neighbor, someone has to let Snoopy out!” She looks over at their first baby, the one year old border collie who has managed to sleep through this. “

~*~*~*~

She is pretty sure that CB actually broke a few laws while getting her to the hospital and he sort of forgets her in the car when they reach the ER. He does come back for her though and helps her out, holding her hand as she waddles to the front desk. “This is my wife.” He huffs, out of breath. “And those are our twins in there.” He adds pointing to her belly. “And they want out.”

The nurse looks at them for a moment and Lainey wonders if just like the TV, they are going to be forced to wait in the waiting room. “Alright sweety.” She says with a smile. “I already got a wheelchair ready for you, Susan will take you up and get you a room.” The nurse kindly says. “Will there be any family coming?”

Lainey nods, breathing through the pain as she sits down in the chair. “Yeah, a big group of people-” She looks up at CB. “Did you call Erica?”

CB face turns white. “Crap, I knew there was someone I forgot. Lainey, I am so sorry. I-”

“It’s alright, I called her!”

They both turn their heads to see Beverly Goldberg rushing through the front doors, nightgown on and her hair in curlers. “I already took care of that, this is a crazy time am I right?” She adds with a laugh. “Just get up there and deliver those babies so I can squeeze them, I’ll take care of everything else.”

After ten hours of labor, the girls are finally brought into the world. CB thinks they are the most beautiful babies he had ever seen. They are a little bit on the small side so after they are taken off of Lainey’s chest, they are whisked away to the nursery. CB sits by Lainey until she shoos him away so she can sleep, so CB stands outside the glass window of the nursery and smiles down at his newborn daughters. He can’t quite figure out who they look like now, but they are perfect.

“They are beautiful.” Says the voice of Beverly Goldberg who was standing right next to him. He doesn’t exactly know how or when she joined them. “Such precious little girls.” Her voice is kind and soft. “You know Charles, I totally saw this coming.”

“Saw what coming?” CB asks and Beverly shakes her head.

“You and Lainey. Don’t get me wrong, but when my son and Lainey got back together, I didn’t see it lasting. They were too different and they were both holding each other back. Now, you know I love Lainey as if she was one of my own, hell I adored her even before She and Barry started dating. The girl needed a mother and you know me, I don’t mind mothering. So when I got news that they broke up, I was actually relieved because now they could actually grow. So then I thought back to when I first saw the two of you. I came by the school to help Lainey with a difficult parent and you two were talking in the hall. In all my years of knowing Lainey, I had never seen her smile the way she was smiling at you. So-” She went into her purse and pulled out an index card. “I put the two of you into my yenta dex and correctly predicted how long it would take for her to realize that you were the one for her. See that, two years. I called it.” She smiled proudly.

CB looked down at the pink, glittery index card and smirked. “You really did.”

“Though I am disappointed that one of the girls isn't named after me.” Beverly grumbles and CB shakes his head.

“Actually, Lainey decided and I agreed to name them after women who changed our lives, helped us to become who we are today. So Eleanor Lillian is named for my Nana and my mom and Theodora Beverly is named for her Gam-Gam and-”

“Me? She said that I changed her life?” Oh that girl, she’s amazing.” Beverly was sobbing now, happy tears as Lainey came walking down the hallway. “And there she is, oh you amazing and beautiful woman, come here and give me a hug!”

Lainey looked over at CB with a confused look. “Thank you?” She pulls away. “Are you crying?”

“Yes, of course I am crying. Charles here told me about how you gave one of those darling girls my name. Where is Erica, I have to tell her- wait, how are you feeling honey?”

“I’m alright, a little tired still and in a whole lot of pain-” Lainey turns to look at her daughters. “But Thea and Ella were worth it.”

Beverly Goldberg can’t help but grin at the young couple. “I’ll just leave you to be then and go scold my own blood related daughter about not naming her son after me.”

CB smirks as he wrapped his arm around his wife’s shoulder. “Look at them, we made that.”

“Didn’t take long did it?” Lainey teases, smiling coly up at her husband. “Married for about five months and bam, pregnant.” She shrugs. “I was so worried at first, the two of us on a teacher's salary with bills and a house and a dog who chews through everything, but looking at those two? I don’t know, it just makes everything worth it.”

CB can’t help but to lean down and kiss her, he didn’t think it was possible to be even more in love with Lainey Brown.

~*~*~*~

Thea and Ella really aren’t difficult babies. When they finally take them home, Lainey and CB work out a schedule for them which quickly backfires so they end up making an easier one that they can both follow. CB enjoys his time off of work, even more so that he doesn’t have to go back until September, being that the school year would be over by the time his leave was over. So he gets to spend his summer with his three favorite girls. He begins to notice that the twins are a perfect mixture of himself and Lainey, his Nana was right, they do make very pretty babies.

He keeps thinking how lucky he is during quiet moments when he catches Lainey singing to the girls. It’s usually a song that was currently on the radio, his favorite was when he caught her singing ‘Zombie’ to the girls. She could only look back at him with a simple shrug, explaining that it was important that the girls expand their musical knowledge and she honestly couldn’t get the song out of her head, also she was a bit delirious from lack of sleep.“Besides, I do believe that a song by The Cranberries was playing during our first kiss.” She would add with a wink.

Though his favorite song to hear her sing to the girls was ‘You’ll Be In My Heart’ It was all over the radio now, and the power balled was perfect for her. CB would lean against the door frame, listening quietly as she sang.

He is grateful for all the help they get. Between his mom, her own mom and Beverly, they really aren’t alone in this. They teach him the simple things, how to warm up the milk, how to swaddle them, even how to change a diaper. CB is always happy when he hears one of the older women announcing that they have arrived because as much as he loves his daughter, sleep is also much appreciated too.

Though as the hot mornings begin to cool down and it’s almost time for them both to return to work, CB and Lainey take time to lay on their bed with Thea and Ella on CB’s chest and Lainey wrapped around him. “I was thinking.” He begins and Lainey hums in response. “We should start thinking about having another one.”

He feels her smile against his chest, her knuckles dragging up Ella’s back. “When these two start Pre-k, then we can have another.” She sighs as her babies snore softly. “For now, these two are all we need.”

~*~*~*~*~

That isn’t exactly how things work out, the girls are three when Lainey gives birth to another little girl. Chloe was a surprise to say the least, more so that Lainey and CB got a little too drunk at the staff christmas party. Chloe’s birth was fast and easy compared to the twins and when CB asks for another one, all Lainey can do is roll her eyes and tell him that she’d think about it. She just had to get through Thea and Ella’s first day of pre-k.

~*~*~*~*~

It was a cool September morning, 2000 and something when the girls posed for pictures for their first day of Pre-K at William Penn Academy. Thea is 100% Lainey, sticking her tongue out and striking a pose. She had the habit of turning everything into an instrument and the level of sass inside her tiny body could rival her mother’s. While Ella, however, was all him. She was on the shy side, loved a good book and had no problem watching Star Wars over and over again. Chloe sat calmly in her rocker, her tuft of brown curls falling into her blue eyes as she laughed at her sisters.

As the family of five piles into the minivan, Lainey stops her husband and puts a hand on his chest. “Remember, we drop them off, give them love and then let them do their thing. We can’t show how upset we are that our babies are going to school and then out into the real world before we know it.” She takes a deep breath, running her hand through Chloe’s curls as the infant on her hip begins to fuss. “That’s it, we’re having another one. Thea and Ella are going to Pre-K, I’m dropping my baby off at daycare, we need another one.” She decides and CB smiles softly and grips her shoulders.

“Lain, the girls will be okay.” He comforts her. “They are fierce and strong just like their mom and as much as I love this talk about another kiddo, let's wait until Chloe is at least walking on her own.” CB wraps a loving arm around his wife and kisses the top of her head. “The girls will be fine, besides, we can totally check on the twins during the day and who is to say that a certain ‘Smother’ won’t be checking up on Chloe?”

“Aw, you called in the cavalry?” Lainey asked and CB shook his head. “You are a great man, Charlie Brown.”

“And you are an amazing woman, Lainey Brown.”

#cb x lainey #lainey lewis #charlie cb brown #schooled fan fic #lainey x cb

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masaru2042 · 5 years ago

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King of the Monsters is the Best Season of Game of Thrones Ever!

When I came out of the theater, I hadn't had warm and fuzzies about a movie in...I can't tell you how long. And this movie gave me warm and fuzzies. And this is despite the nay-sayers and the idiot critics who are slamming this movie. Just a little FYI here, Godzilla beat out Aladdin for the #1 spot. Godzilla pimp-slapped the Mouse into second place opening weekend. And I approve of this.

But despite all the critics REEEEING over Godzilla and calling it garbage, I'm gonna tell you this movie is awesome and is worth your money. And if you have a $5 dollar Tuesday like me because you have a Cinemark Cinema in your town...and you're worried about shelling out too much money for something you think you might not like...go see it on Tuesday, pay the 5 bucks, and then see why I said it's worth every cent. And then go back and see it again full price if you want to.

So like any review I've done, usually I review a movie that I found bad and wanna shit all over it. It is my thing, after all. I mean see what all I've said about Godzilla Final Wars and everyone got pissy at me for hating on Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah 1991 and why I said I like GMK so much better...

And of course me shitting on Minya every time I mention Godzilla, because I hate that shit stain...I'm gonna actually give a positive review.

I mean the last movie review I did was Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, and...well...

It’s safe to say I really hated that movie.

But this one, I didn’t.

Just remember, this movie is worth every cent of your money. You did it! You did it, Hollywood! You finally made a REAL GODZILLA MOVIE! COMPLETE WITH THE ACTUAL GODZILLA THEME SONG! And the Blue Oyster's Go, Go, Godzilla at the end. And yes, there's even Mothra's theme song. And I was singing it during the movie. To anyone out there who said it couldn't be done...Cough-Steven Spielberg-Cough...we did it! America has finally made a real Godzilla movie! You also made the first Godzilla movie that actually gave a proper jump scare...and Godzilla was the one who did it, and I actually jumped! 10/10! You made me jump at a jump scare and I don't usually jump at jump scares. And yes, there was one, and it's at the beginning but...it's good. First Godzilla movie to have a genuine jump scare that actually made me jump. Thank you, movie! So, how does it start out. Well, it starts out in 2014 and we're following a family called the Russel Family. No sign of the Brody family, but that's probably because they finally got eaten by sharks because...JAWS, damn it! And also the Brody family was dull, save for Brian Cranston, and why the fuck didn't G2014 keep Brian Cranston in there? Anyway, we have Mark Russel, Emma Russel, and their daughter Madison Russel...who is played by the actress from Stranger Things...Millie Bobby Brown. I'm gonna refer to her as Eleven from here on out because that's who I know her the most as. And yes, next month, Stranger Things is coming back to Netflix, and I'm gonna be watching that. There's also Eleven's little brother, but he only appears in photographs because he ended up getting squashed by Godzilla's foot in San Francisco...so...I'm not gonna bother to learn his name. Interesting to note, the actor who plays Mark...played Bruce Baxter from King Kong 2005. But I barely recognize him...so, he doesn't get a quirky name. We do have Ken Watanabe returning as Ishiro Serizawa. Who I suspect is actually the sun of Daisuke Serizawa...though Daisuke is a completely different kind of person in the MonsterVerse than what he was in the original Gojira.

Okay, so, we cut to about 5 years later, so 2019 and we meet up with Eleven and her mom and El is contacting her dad who is not with them. He's studying wolves. And they have a little email convo, Dad's worried about his wife, El is worried about Dad, and so on. And I like how they build things up here because we don't realize that Eleven and her mom are in China studying Mothra's egg. Until we hear Mothra's call, and yes it is very recognizable. I suspect that there weren't veteran Godzilla fans like myself in the theater with me, so, pretty much every fan moment in this movie was something I would recognize but would mostly fall flat on most viewers. The monster calls and the music. Except for King Ghidorah's call...they were trying to do his call but...to be honest, it sounded like a bad mix of Heisei Ghidorah and the version they used in Final Wars. With a little Showa in there. The most perfect Ghidorah call was done in GMK. It made him sound powerful, big, and kept the iconic call. However, King Ghidorah's design looks rather interesting. It's more of an updated version of Heisei Ghidorah than any of the other Ghidorahs. Even more interesting is that the three heads all have their own separate personalities. How can I explain them? This fan art done by Michael J Larson just might help.

I present to you, Moe, Larry, and Curly. Legendary turned King Ghidorah into the Three Stooges. And here's the funny bit, Moe is the middle head, while Curly is the one on the right, and Larry is the one on the left. And just like in Three Stooges fashion, Moe hates Curly a lot. He even bops Curly a few times to pretty much make a point on just who these thee heads represent.

Rodan's call didn't sound much like Rodan's call either, but, I'm not a big Rodan fan, so I forgave it.

So, Eleven and Mom here goes down into a cave where Mothra's egg is so they can witness Mothra being born. And of course call the giant moth-like creature...Mothra. Because yeah. We need to state that. Complete with Mothra's theme!

Well Mom's got a gadget that seems to be able to create a signal that makes the monster docile, and lo and behold it works! And then Tywin Lannister shows up!

This is Charles Dance's character Alan Jonah...you know, like the whale...however, I'm gonna stick with Tywin Lannister. Because that's who he is! Well, Tywin kidnaps mom and Eleven. Tywin actually is trying to be a little nice to Eleven, even making a silly face at her. Which I thought was cute. Until she flipped Tywin off...because yes, Eleven can do that to Tywin! She's probably the only person who can flip Tywin Lannister the bird! Anyone else would have been beheaded.

Apparently Tywin now runs an eco-terrorist group who are a bunch of nihilists. And they wanna release King Ghidorah for the purpose of ending the suffering that man has caused the planet. So...Anime Godzilla Xaliens? Really, Tywin? The Dragon has three heads, but apparently you merely wanted to end the Targaryan dynasty just to set up the new Ghidorah dynasty. Well, to tell you the truth, King Ghidorah would make a better ruler than Bran the Broken, so he has my vote on that. Honestly, this whole movie is like the best Game of Thrones climax ever! With a little Stranger Things mixed in for good measure.

And King Ghidorah...or rather Ghidorah as they call him in the movie...is actually located in Antarctica. Because of course he is. How did he get there? We don't know. He is a space monster just like he usually is, and he also wants to fuck over everything on planet Earth, like usual. But this time...it's him doing it, and not someone controlling him...or rather...that device they call Orca sends out a call at first controls him, but the he's like "Naw, man, I'm my own boss." And really fucks over Tywin's plans. Because King Ghidorah at least listened to Olena Tyrell's suggestion of "Be a Dragon." And he pretty much shows how much he is a dragon, rather than what Danaerys did until the very last minute. Yes, I won't stop the Game of Thrones comparisons, shut up! So, apparently, Ghidorah has the Queen of Thorns on his side and she's been talking into his ear more than Mamma Russel's Orca's machine has. And to show Olena how much of a dragon he is, King Ghidorah eats a few humans as he is freed.

No, I'm serious, King Ghidorah eats people! Olena would be proud.

He also doesn't listen to Tywin Lannister. And neither did Aerys, but that's only because Aerys didn't want Cercei to marry Rhaegar. So, Tywin pretty much gave that dragon a middle finger and decided to get with another three headed dragon...a literal three headed dragon, and they're gonna fuck up the planet, yo! Until Olena Tyrell started talking to King Ghidorah about playing the Game of Thrones, and now King Ghidorah uses his magic monster call to literally "Call the Banners!" I'm fucking serious! There is a reason why the Game of Thrones references will not stop! King Ghidorah pulls a Rob Stark and turns to Maester Lewin.

King Ghidorah: "Maester Lewin..."

Lewin: "Yes, your Grace."

King Ghidorah: "Call the banners."

Lewin: "All of them?"

King Ghidorah: "All of them."

And the ravens fly!

Meanwhile, Daddy Russel got wind of his wife and daughter being kidnapped, as well as Orca being used to summon King Ghidorah and well, he seems to have a big beef with the monsters in general. Apparently, he has a bone to pick with Godzilla for the death of his son. And he wants to Inigo Montoya Godzilla's ass. The problem is, he's about the size of Godzilla's talon, so I don't think that duel is gonna work very well. However, it's here where we get to the jump scare that works and why I loved it. You see, in this scene, we're in an underwater Monarch base where they discuss what they want to do with Godzilla. Russel is on the "let's kill the bastard" boat along with the American military, and Serizawa is more on the boat of...we becoming Godzilla's adopted children in which he protects from other threats out there. Or rather...his pets. Which of course doesn't go very well over with the Americans. Because...

youtube

You honestly think we're gonna be Godzilla's little pet humans, Serizawa? HELL NO!

But I chock that up to poor translation since English isn't Serizawa's first language. And maybe that came out wrong. Anyhoo...yeah, Godzilla's pets. No. I like you, big guy, but I ain't gonna be your cat.

So, while we're in this underwater base, Godzilla decides to show up! And they start pointing their guns at him...which kinda pisses him off. While Russel here hates Godzilla, even he knows it's not wise to go and pick a fight with him without a plan, so he even tells the guys to stand down, which they do. And then we have a moment where Godzilla slowly inches close to the glass and Russel and the King of the Monsters have some kind of moment. And to tell you the truth, it's a better moment than what we had with Brody and Godzilla. Well, Godzilla at first slinks back into the darkness...and everything seems fine. And this is where the jump scare happens. They don't draw it out to where you expect a jump scare to happen, like...most jump scares do. That's how you know it's a bad jump scare, they draw it out for so long that you know it's gonna jump out and get you. You're just waiting for it to happen. Here? Nope, the moment you think everything is okay, Godzilla jump scares you by just suddenly swimming by the glass.

And that's it.

And I did not expect it at all!

That's how you jump scare people! Again, this shows why Godzilla is King of the Jump Scares! There is no lingering shot, there is no "he's still there, he's still there, he's still there...he's still there..." It just comes right out of nowhere like a jump scare does. And I did jump. So again, good work, movie.

And I will say I like Russel as well. Yeah, he's in the "I hate Godzilla and I wanna see him dead" boat, but it's not taken to ridiculous extremes like you'd think it would be. He's smart, he knows when to fold them if he has to, which in Godzilla movies...is a good thing. You see, Godzilla movies tend to have characters like Russel be so over the top moronic in their hatred...you just wanna skip right over them and get to the monster fight. Russel is not one of these characters. His wife on the other hand...is an idiot, and I might as well address her.

She's flawed, and I'm glad we have for once a flawed female character in a world of female protagonists have to be perfect awesome people so that the feminazis can relate to them.

Apparently, the SJWs didn't really affect this movie much, and I'm grateful for that. Yeah, I had one guy tell me how he hated that Ghidorah wasn't called King and that he wasn't really a he...but an it. But I had to remind him that pretty much that's all the monsters. Including Godzilla. And Ghidorah's first movie was Ghidorah the Three-headed Monster in which this movie is a bit of a remake of. But not quite. In fact, I went into this movie thinking it was going to be a remake of that movie. Right down to Eleven being maybe a person possessed by some supernatural being who wanted to warn everyone about King Ghidorah's coming. She wasn't at all. I half expected Tywin to be some guy trying to assassinate her and he wasn't. And I thought Rodan would team up with Mothra and Godzilla against King Ghidorah after Mothra smacked their asses around and talked about friendship and the heart of the cards and shit, but he didn't and neither did Mothra. Mothra was on Godzilla's side, but not Rodan. Rodan was on King Ghidorah's side! He was one of the banners Ghidorah had Maester Lewin send a raven to. And another one of those ravens went to Nevada of all places and to...and I'm shocked to say this...Kumonga! Yes, our giant spider from the 60's Showa era has returned in the American reboot! And much like his Final Wars counterpart, he decided to be in the American Southwest. Maybe he liked Cowboys or something. We also had a giant mammoth creature rising out of Wyoming. And another MUTO. Why, Legendary? Why another MUTO? I guess we needed to reuse an asset or something. Well, it wouldn't be a Godzilla movie if we didn't. So...you're checking off the marks here, Legendary. We even have stock footage in the form of clips! They are checking off all the Showa marks!

So, while King Ghidorah is flying around in a hurricane he created (totally awesome) and telling Lewin to call his Banners, we suddenly find out that Mamma Russel was actually the mastermind behind this whole "the Dragon has Three Heads" thing. Yeah, Tywin Lannister wasn't the guy in charge, it was Ma Russel. And she managed to convince Eleven that this is for the well being of mankind. You see, she wants the monsters to basically cull the humans and our evil technology, and return the world to a more peaceful time where we were subsistence farmers worshiping giant monsters as gods? Because that was a more peaceful time?

And this is why she's an idiot. And her ideas is batshit crazy! The world has never been more at peace now than any other era. I'm not kidding about that. Yeah, we're polluting the planet, and we need to cut back our carbon footprint, but to be honest here...the planet was much warmer during the time of the Dinosaurs than it is currently NOW. And while I've touted about the lessons of the P-T Extinction Event, aka the Great Dying, in which a flood basalt in Siberia started an out of control greenhouse that resulted in nearly 90% of all life on the planet dying, including the life in the oceans, and set our planet in a biological to be resetted in a way...and that was caused by just the temperature rising on top of all the nasty gasses put into the atmosphere by said flood basalt...I don't think that just going back to subsistence farming is gonna solve the problem, lady. In fact, it's stated even if we just stop all the polluting now, the damage has already been done. There is no stopping it. And NO! Suddenly causing the entire planet to just become more radioactive is not gonna solve your problem either. She honestly believed that radiation is some miracle grow fertilizer. When, no it isn't. And Carl Sagan can tell you why! Did you not listen to Threads? Did you not watch that movie, lady? I feel like I need to sit you and Final Wars Godzilla down and you both watch that movie together to see why just pumping a bunch of radiation into the atmosphere is not gonna help things. Final Wars Godzilla needs to learn that we understand the message of nuclear war. Threads has told us that. And you, you moronic bitch, need to learn the lesson of radiation will make farming HARDER!

And apparently for a scientist, she's never heard of the Red Forest of Chernobyl.

If you want to know what it looks like to an entire ecosystem when it's been bombarded by radiation...just radiation alone...

See those red trees? That is caused by massive amounts of radiation being released upon a forest.

Again, I prove why I know more about radiation than anyone who makes a Godzilla movie. But this time, I will forgive it because this lady is actually stupid and everyone else is far more intelligent in regards to dealing with radiation. Seriously, how did this woman get a doctorate in which she ended up working for an organization built to study monsters from a time when the Earth was "more radioactive" as it's was stated in this universe's past? And unless you wanna die from cancer or bleeding out your ass, you need to sit your ass down and shut the fuck up. But thank god this woman is basically the villain and a stupid one at that. Even Tywin Lannister got tired of her shit. And Eleven just figured out her mother is a loon.

Basically, Tywin Lannister makes more sense than crazy lady, because well, he at least just wants to release the monsters and wipe out humanity as a whole. In which the radiation will certainly do that. So, he's pretty much on the bar on the consequences of what will actually happen more than the idiot bitch. He just wants to make it happen because he's seen enough evidence of what humans are like, and he's tired of it. Which I can respect. Not the whole genocide thing, but the whole...I'm not doing this to "save humanity from itself thing" like crazy moron had pretty much talked herself into...to the point of stupidity and forgetting what radiation actually will do to humans and the ecosystem. Sure, maybe the ecosystem was actually more hardy against radiation in this universe than in our own...but still...that doesn't resolve the issue that TODAY'S plants and animals are not hardy against it! Well our Monarch heroes show up to where Rodan was popping out of that volcano like in the trailer, and we finally get to the first fight. Monarch leads Rodan to the storm and King Ghidorah, hoping to just have the two fight...but they don't. Because Rodan is on Ghidorah's side. So, it's up to Godzilla to take this false king down. And he does! He literally pulls a Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah 1991 and decapitates Ghidorah's head!

Well...the United States has a plan to finally put all three monsters down and it's....

The Oxygen Destroyer

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Okay, this is where I'm gonna have to gripe. Because this thing is the single most stupid idea ever! But at least it does have a pay off in the stinger at the end when everyone basically states that the Gulf of Mexico is now devoid of fish. However, the existence of this weapon in this movie is uncalled for. But I suppose it's meant to set up the scene where Serizawa decides to sacrifice himself to bring Godzilla back onto the field. And to be honest, it's not needed. King Ghidorah could just be enough to knock Godzilla out for a few rounds while he goes on his little mayhem run and Serizawa can still sacrifice his life to revive Godzilla from that horrid beating. You don't need this thing in this movie, guys! You don't! You put it in there because you had that little teaser a few years back showing the Oxygen Destroyer in an old Monarch location and people were speculating it. So, you had to give us something.

And people wonder why my Game of Thrones references are happening in this review...because...this is Clegane Bowl, people. This is Clegane Bowl and how stupid Dumb and Dumber made it. It comes out of nowhere because the fans were expecting it, and you didn't even bother to set it in the Dragon pits and fill it to the brim with chickens. We are disappointed with you!

However, I did get a laugh out of it. Military guy: "We have this weapon we've been developing. It's called the Oxygen Destroyer! We're gonna use it on these monsters."

Thanks, America, you just killed all the fish in the Gulf. You morons!

And it didn't work on King Ghidorah because he's an alien. Tell Kiryuu Knight that! He managed to stick his Oxygen Destroyer into King Ghidorah and it worked like magic.

However, I will say that you're not the only ones who did something stupid with the Oxygen Destroyer, Legendary. Kiryuu did to in Halo 3 Different. He had the thing with him, took it to High Charity, and then forgot that he had it. Yeah, I'm capable of my idiot moments in writing as well. But I noticed that no reader really noticed the Oxygen Destroyer was even mentioned in that story...so, can't complain.

Well the Oxygen Destroyer also didn't really kill Godzilla, however it did wound him enough that he retreated to the bowels of the Earth to recover. Basically Hollow Earth theory. Or rather, not really. They call it Hollow Earth Theory, but it really isn't. I know Hollow Earth Theory because I love poking fun at morons who claim stupid shit. Hollow Earth Theory looks like this.

See that? That's a sun instead of a molten core. This is the theory touted by racists like Hitler and Lewis Farakhan. The thing the MonsterVerse came up with is more like...the crust is made out of Swiss cheese. Rather than the Earth being hollow. Basically, the Earth is Tennessee. Tennessee's crust is made out of Swiss cheese, and now these guys applied that to the entire planet. But no, the Earth isn't really hollow in the MonsterVerse, not the way the actual Hollow Earth Theory states. And that has been my biggest problem with the nomenclature they use for this theory in this universe. but I guess Swiss cheese Earth didn't really catch on as good as Hollow Earth. So Godzilla falls through one of these Swiss cheese holes and King Ghidorah regrows his head. Holy shit! However, I noticed, to regrow his head, he had to be sitting on a volcano with his storm raging over him. So...he's drawing power from somewhere to regrow that head, which is why he probably can't regrow his entire body from a single severed head in the totally not gonna make Mecha-King Ghidorah with Tywin Lannister as the pilot stinger. And he's calling his banners.

So this is where we have our Serizawa sacrifice scene. They go into one of the Swiss cheese holes after Mothra in her full glory appears and starts raining down her prettiness on top of the water to guide them to where Godzilla is...complete with her theme of course...and the guys find out some very ancient ruins of a civilization long gone. These ruins appear to be a hodgepodge of Egyptian, Mesoamerican, Mesopotamian, Eutruscan, Celtic creation. Why are they down there, why haven't we seen these things before, and is this the Lost City of Atlantis...I'm banking it's Atlantis. And the Atlantians worshiped Godzilla...before they all moved to Georgia and built the greatest airport mankind has ever seen.

It's all connected, I tell you!

LAX has nothing on Atlanta!

And the closer to where Godzilla is sleeping, the more radioactive it becomes. They decide to deliver a nuke to him to wake him up because nukes feed Godzilla. But the battle with Rodan and King Ghidorah damaged the sub's launching bay and they have to deliver it manually. So Serizawa draws the short straw, gives Papa Russel his notes on Godzilla, and decides to go in and give Godzilla the pick me up he needs. But not before Serizawa boops the Goji snoot. Which is cute. And going back to think on it. At least Serizawa gave Godzilla much deserved pats. Because he's a good boi, damn it! Unlike Jon who...only gave Ghost pats at the last second!

Why you so mean, Jon?!

It seems Godzilla is very much aware of our existence. As he's shown even in the 2014 film to notice those tiny ants under his feet. He is very much aware of the humans, and even after he awakens...to the sound of this...

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Since when did we import Akira Ifukube into this thing?

Okay, are you trying to show how awesome you are to us G-fans, movie, because we get it! We get it! You are awesome. Thank you for that.

Alright, so Goji theme going on and Godzilla starts heading to where King Ghidorah is.

Meanwhile, Tywin Lannister and his eco-lions along with crazy bitch and Eleven are in Boston of all places. While King Ghidorah is making a mess out of Washington DC.

But he is making a mess out of the place and according to the scientists, he's also trying to reformat the planet to suit his needs. In Boston, Eleven decides to steal the Orca and head into Red Sox Stadium. She hooks it up to the massive broadcaster speakers to signal to King Ghidorah to come to Boston. And it works. Unfortunately. Godzilla also gets that signal and he heads for it too. Papa Russel then gets the idea of rather than letting the Gods duke it out in the Red Sox stadium, it's probably time for the humans to show Godzilla that they are on his team. And so...by the power of Akira Ifukue...Godzilla and Monarch charge into battle. And no, not kidding about that either. They charge in with Godzilla's theme song playing in the background. And yes, Godzilla knows they are on his team. You can tell. You can seriously tell. Godzilla is surrounded by military planes and he's like "These guys are with me!"

I'm literally getting Godzilla vs. Hedorah vibes from this because Godzilla and the military actually did team up to defeat Hedorah. And not only that, but Godzilla acknowledged humans several times in that movie. And yes, this movie is actually dedicated to Banno, who was the director of Godzilla vs. Hedorah. So, I approve. And so would he. And it's explained in the movie why Godzilla recognizes the humans as his allies. The Orca's signal is not only mixed with the call of an alpha "titan" as the kaiju are called in the movie, but also the voice of humans. Because we're the alpha predators of this planet! So, Godzilla, obviously hearing not only that sound, but also seeing human dominance all over the place has pretty much recognized humanity as a partner species. And apparently he also recognizes Mothra as a fellow partner species that helps him keep the order, so he now has "imprinted" that status onto humans as well. We're not his pets, Serizawa, we're his partner. I knew the Serizawa's English was off on that. But it reaches the coexistence he is trying to achieve. Mothra also joins the fight, but a bit later when Rodan starts fucking Godzilla's shit over. Meanwhile, Godzilla is building up for a finishing move on Ghidorah...and because of that, there's a timer. Papa Russel wants to go in and save Eleven before that timer runs out. And I'm suspecting Godzilla knows this because he's actually holding back a bit. It's severely hinted that Godzilla knows this. At least to me it is. Like Russel shot Godzilla a message or something.

Russel: "Can you keep that thing busy, Godzilla? I gotta save my daughter!"

Godzilla: "Sure, but not for long. I'll give you 10 minutes, tops! But after that, I gotta unleash this nuclear pulse, or else I might blow myself up if I don't."

Russel: "Ten minutes! Got it!"

Again, not that I mind, but Eleven has Arya Stark plot armor, so...she'll be fine. However, the plot armor is a staple of Godzilla. So, not that gripey about it either. Honestly, when dealing with Godzilla, no character, not even the main ones, should have plot armor. Unless they are so far away from the fight it wouldn't matter.

That rule goes for you as well, Toho! Especially with that whole 24 week long half life thing you had in Shin-Godzilla! Plot armor was the only thing keeping those boring characters alive, because it sure wasn't their hazmat suits. Those things looked like they were made out of tissue paper. Which wouldn't help in dealing with rads that high. Even my mother would know that!

So, if 24 week long half life could get a pass on not killing characters in that shit of a movie, this much better one can get a pass on Eleven not dying.

Meanwhile, crazy bitch Russel finally decides to do something of actual merit and go after her daughter. And Tywin lets her. Because that's not his problem. Just as long as she doesn't take his men with her...he doesn't give a shit.

He really doesn't give a shit.

So that's it for Tywin, we don't see him again until the Stinger, but I've revealed that already. So crazy bitch goes after her daughter, Papa goes after his daughter, and they end up finding the Orca all smashed up. And Godzilla is not doing very well in the fight. He is obviously holding that nuclear pulse in. And yes, it is a nuclear pulse. He's like: "Russel, hurry up! I can't hold this fart in!"

Mothra punctures Rodan in the chest with her stinger. And honestly, she's GMK Mothra. Which is cool. However, she does end up dying during this fight in the attempt to help Godzilla get back on his feet. But like always, she is basically a phoenix and will rise from the ashes through another egg. King Ghidorah is kicking Godzilla's ass all over the place. And when the Russels finally reunite and fix the damned Orca, they turned it on and lead King Ghidorah away from Godzilla long enough for Godzilla to unleash his secret weapon that I spoiled. The nuclear pulse! And it is glorious! He goes red like Burning Godzilla from Godzilla vs. Destroyah, but...it's so much cooler. This red burning look isn't because he's gonna die, it's him charging up his new weapon. And that nuclear pulse is...basically like an atomic blast! Right down to the shearing of flesh from bones! Unfortunately, crazy bitch basically dies in the fire, leaving Russel and Eleven to watch from a distance as Godzilla incinerates King Ghidorah.

And for good measure to make sure Ghidorah doesn't come back...GODZILLA EATS KING GHIDORAH! That has never happened in any Godzilla movie. EVER. Clap! This Godzilla is just the most brutal of any Godzilla. I think GMK Goji might have to bow to this king since he EATS his foes!

And Godzilla stands over a demolished Boston, roars in triumphant. And as the other kaiju show up, he pretty much pulls a Robert Baratheon.

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As if the Game of Thrones references couldn't stop there. So, Godzilla reveals himself to be King Robert Baratheon, which works out because Tywin Lannister is wanting to take him down. So, I'll describe the stinger at the end of the movie. We show Tywin Lannister and his eco-lions walking into a bunker and the guy is explaining that after the Oxygen Destroyer, the fishing in the Gulf is shit now. Because yeah. It would be. It's the Oxygen Destroyer. Well, as he walks into a large room, we see King Ghidorah's only remaining head with flies buzzing around it. And it looks exactly like the scene from Godzilla vs. Mecahgodzilla 1993 when General Aso and a team of scientists come into a room with Mecha-King Ghidorah's head in it...saying "We have it now, a robot to kill Godzilla."

And this is why I think Tywin Lannister is gonna build himself Mecha-King Ghidorah...and take over Westeros.

So all in all, I really look forward to Game of Thrones season 10. It really is shaping up to probably the best season we're ever gonna get. And Season 9 of Game of Thrones ended with a huge bang. I was really satisfied with what they did. Tywin's back! And he's backing the real Dragon...with the Three Heads. I don't think Maester Aemon thought the dragon having three heads meant King Ghidorah, but as George RR Martin stated...prophesies do end up biting your prick off.

So, what do you all think Season 10 of Game of Thrones is gonna be like?

All joking aside, I loved this movie. I really did.

And continuing the Game of Thrones comparisons, the night fight shots in this film...10 times better than The Long Night of Season 8 of Game of Thrones. Why? BECAUSE YOU COULD ACTUALLY SEE FIGHT! But if I have one true gripe to say about it...aside from the Oxygen Destroyer...it's that this movie happened BEFORE Godzilla vs. Kong.

No, I'm serious on this. This movie sounds like it should have been done after Godzilla vs. Kong. And I did kinda hated that King Ghidorah had to die in this movie, rather than return as an actual threat again later.

But who knows....we do have that head left over, so anything can happen.

#Godzilla King of the Monsters #legendary pictures #Godzilla #Game of Thrones #GoT Season 8 #Tywin Lannister #Charles Dance #stranger things #Eleven #King Ghidorah #Rodan #Mothra #Ghidorah #kaiju #American kaiju #Titan #spoiler review #movie review

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spaceorphan18 · 5 years ago

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The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Nostalgic memory: I’m pretty sure prior to this, I had only seen this film once in the theater, and found it rather disturbing. Later on, I have a piano book of music from this film, and played the Bells of Notre Dame a lot. I’m not entirely sure why.

This is... kind of a fascinating and complex film to review. Because I think it goes a little deeper than the usual - was it good or bad - discussion. Is it a well done film? Yes - relatively so. Is it a good adaptation of Victor Hugo’s novel - probably not. Is it a good kids’ movie - eh....

Alright, so let’s start off by saying... this movie is dark, man. Like - there are some complex and twisted things going on throughout a majority of this film. The first thirty minutes of this film is about death, disfiguration, abuse, and gaslighting. Then we get into public humiliation. And then, because that’s not enough, we get into themes of sin, lust, racism, and genocide - because why not. I mean, this film is a wild ride. And it’s meant for kids!

So, Quasimodo is the hunchback who lives in the tower because ole Frollo killed his mom, and was stopped before killing him. And now, he spends his days a servant to an incredibly abusive Frollo. Like... oh my god, it’s difficult to watch this, tbh. It’s terrifying just how cruel Frollo is (and I’ll get more into this in a second).

Now - the film kinda plays on themes that every Disney film has up to this point. Take a main character who feels held back by their situation, and just wants to be free of it -- they go out on their own and experience life in a new way. It’s kinda fascinating, actually, the way Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and Pocahontas have the same structure, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it does make this one feel really formulaic in some respects. The thing really breaking the film out of it is the extreme dark and twisted thematic elements.

Anyway - so Quasi meets Esmerlda after he’s been publicly shamed - she helps him, and is kind. And so a friendship forms out of that. It’s kind of sweet, and the only real lightness in the film is the friendship that builds between these two, and adding in Phoebes, the military captain, rounding out their trio. They play up somewhat of a love triangle here - which again, seems super uncomfortable for a hot second, but then they throw it out the window, so they can all come together and push back against Frollo, and have a happily ever after.

So, let’s talk about Frollo for a second. Holy geez, this guy wins as most evil-ist of villains. Like Gaston, the treachery of this character lies in the fact that he embodies realistic human elements. However, this guy makes Gaston look like an outstanding citizen. This guy kills babies of a race he doesn’t like, just because he has the power to do it. Severely abuses Quasi the whole film. Lusts after Esmerlda (he gets a whole freaking song about this) but then feels guilty about that and decides he should kill her, and her entire race, instead. And he lights all of Paris on fire. Also, he has a nose like a penis. Unlike other Disney villains who have fun or charming aspects about their personality, Frollo has none. I’m pretty sure he wins for being the most evil of everyone. Eesh.

Alright, so technically, I think the film works pretty well. The animation is nice, and there are some gorgeous within and around the Cathedral.

The music is interesting - this film works almost as a true musical, where almost everything is being sung. That said, despite Menken being back at the helm, I think this is his weakest work to date. None of the songs really stick out that much - except for Hellfire, which is Frollo’s song, but only because it’s utterly terrifying. Also, interestingly, I think we’re now at the point where there are pop songs being written for the film -- the song Someday plays over the credits, but is not actually in the film.

The voice acting, I want to note, is really pretty good, too. Tom Hulce is Quasi, and while I don’t know him, I think he does really well with the material. Demi Moore is Esmeralda, and she does fine. Kevin Kline is Phoebus, and he’s a goddamn delight in the role -- I really wish there had been more of the character, because Kline is amazing as a voice actor, and I could really listen to him all day. And Tony Jay is Frollo. I don’t know him either, but he is pretty terrifying.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the three Gargoyles, who are Quasi’s only friends. (Voiced by Charles Kimbrough, Jason Alexander, and Mary Wickes). And.. these guys are kind of annoying to be honest. They have a moment or two of levity, but mostly, they make dumb jokes. But, they also sing a song about Quasi - getting the girl - and it kind of goes into an anachronistic territory, in a similar way that The Genie from Aladdin did. Only, this is the only time in the movie that happens, and it feels so goofy and out of place, it disrupts the tone entirely, and no I didn’t like it that much.

Final Thoughts: Kind of like Pinocchio, I respect this film, and think it works pretty decently for the story they were trying to do. However, it’s full of horrible and uncomfortable things, and not one that I really want to revisit any time soon.

#thoughts on disney

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godzillajuniorreborn · 5 years ago

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Godzilla King of the Monsters review

In memory of my father. Even though we didn't always see eye-to-eye, without him, I would've never become the fan of Godzilla I am today. Thanks, Dad.

Here it is, my belated review of the recent American Godzilla movie that serves as the sequel to Gareth Edwards' 2014 cinematic reboot and the third installment in the Monsterverse. I saw this movie on Sunday with my mom and brother. Let me just say this to the critics who bashed this movie. I am so sorry this movie doesn't pander to your standards. I'm sorry this movie doesn't exactly have a hidden agenda for you to latch on to. I'm sorry this movie was made for the fans of Godzilla and Kaiju in general. But, you should have known, after seeing the trailers, this movie was going to be a monster slugfest. I also find your critiques very hypocritical since you're more willing to bash this movie yet give praise to the MCU despite those movies not being in the realm of reality. With that said, let's get on to the review.

Story: Five years have passed since mankind bore witness to the rise of Godzilla and the very staggering realization that monsters do exist. Now, humanity is aware of the gigantic beasts known as Titans. However, a dark plan to overthrow humanity and return the rule of Earth to the Titans is underway as an eco-terrorist and rogue Monarch agent let loose a powerful, dragon-like Titan locked away within Antarctica named King Ghidorah whose very presence can summon Category 6 hurricanes all over the world. As humanity faces a worldwide monster apocalypse, Monarch finds itself in a race against time to stop the evil Ghidorah as Godzilla and the other Titans, including the lepidopteran Mothra and the pterosaur-like Rodan, are on a collision course for a battle to decide the fate of the world and who reigns on top as "King of the Monsters".

Let's start with the cons. Just a warning, there WILL be spoilers:

1. The pacing: The first half of the movie feels like it goes a little bit too fast. In the first thirty minutes, we are introduced to Mothra, Ghidorah's awakening in Antarctica as well as his first battle with Godzilla, Rodan's introduction, Godzilla getting incapacitated by the Oxygen Destroyer, and Ghidorah taking control over the other Titans. Luckily, the movie slows down in the second act and allows the audience to catch their breath.

2. Not a lot of Titans: Despite the movie having a total of about twenty Titans, the only ones to get any screen time dedicated to them are the Main Four (Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, and King Ghidorah) as well as four new monsters (Behemoth, Scylla, Methuselah, and Bosmuto). That's a total of eight Kaiju out of at least twenty with the majority either being names on computer screens or a cameo from Kong. In addition, Rodan and Mothra don't appear that much in the film, mostly taking a backseat to Godzilla and King Ghidorah.

3. Some scenes feel incomplete: For example, there is a scene where Madison (Millie Bobby Brown's character) steals the ORCA, a device meant to communicate with Titans designed by her mother and father, and she does so with little to no effort at all, despite it being a key component in Alan Jonah's (Charles Dance's character) plans. You'd think for such a key instrument, he'd have someone at least guarding it. Heck, in the novelization, there's one guy protecting it who Madison takes out with a taser. In the movie, Maddie just swipes the device with no opposition whatsoever.

4. Emma Russell's Plan: In this movie Emma Russell (Vera Farmiga), after losing her son Andrew to Godzilla during the Battle of San Francisco, apparently went mad and decided to give the planet back to the Titans and is working with Alan Jonah, a former army colonel turned eco-terrorist to set about bringing forth a Kaiju apocalypse by setting loose the Titans from their hibernation and having them fix the planet's ecosystem. Yeah, while it is obvious she's being driven by five years worth of grief and she's not in the right mental state, here are two things wrong with her plan (Heck, even Jonah who is the film's main human villain calls her out on this.):

The Titan you have spear-heading this operation is a three-headed dragon who we later find out is from space and was so feared, ancient people refused to go into depth about him (which should be a major red flag that nobody wants to even acknowledge his existence).

Emma says the radiation brought up from the Titans results in new plant-life. Okay, this lady clearly hasn't heard of the effects radiation has on plant-life. Three words: Red. Forests. Chernobyl.

Granted, she kinda gets proven right, for as soon as the Titans are free, the world gets better, but, she was still willing to kick-start global genocide. When a former British Colonel turned eco-warrior is calling you out on your crap, then something's gone wrong.

Now, the pros:

1. The four main Kaiju: Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, and King Ghidorah are all perfectly realized. As much as I loved the 2014 reboot, I felt like Godzilla could've had a few more scenes to it to flesh out his character. Here, Godzilla is the main character and we get a better grasp at his personality: a weathered, determined king who feels the weight of keeping the natural order in balance on his shoulders. Speaking of personalities, the other three Toho Kaiju have their own distinct personalities, though one gets a category on his own (and I'm pretty sure you know which one) with the stand outs being Rodan who has a hot-headed rogue feel to him but tends to showcase his loyalty to the current Alpha Titan while Mothra is purely benevolent and seems to have a touch of Anguirus' personality with her being loyal to Godzilla alone. I also think this may be the most aggressive incarnation of the Goddess of Peace since GMK.

2. King Ghidorah: The 1991 Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah film was the first Godzilla movie I ever saw, thus King Ghidorah was the first Godzilla villain I saw and he was TERRIFYING. I mean, he's a three-headed dragon the size of a building, that alone is scary. Michael Dougherty succeeded in reminding me why Ghidorah was a nightmare of my childhood. This version of the King of Terror is the most evil I've seen of the character, even more so than Grand King Ghidorah (and that's saying a lot considering that version of Ghidorah was willing to kidnap kids so he could suck them of their life-force as a snack). I like how each of his three heads have their own personalites; the center head being the cold, calculating, arrogant leader, the right head is smarter yet also more aggressive, and the left is an over-achieving, psychotic manchild that has to be kept in line by the center head. In addition, this is the one film villain of 2019 who is evil just for the sake of being evil. There is NOTHING worth sympathizing over. For starters, he's an alien dragon (Yeah, that's right, alien.They don't mince words on that either.) who wants to terraform Earth into his own liking (and it's implied he's done this to other planets as well). He has no conscience, no sympathy, no empathy, and no mercy. He's evil. Nothing more, nothing less. Putting it simply, Ghidorah is that one villain whom you're going to love simply on the grounds of how despicable he is.

3. The Music: The score for the movie by Bear McCeary is excellent. In addition to the classic Ifukube themes for Godzilla and Mothra, it also gives themes for Rodan and Ghidorah that fit them with Rodan having a fast-paced, bombastic theme and Ghidorah having a theme with the Heart Sutra as part of his leitmotif that makes him feel all the more demonic. I also like the heroic theme given to Monarch.

4. The Human Characters: IMO, I found the human characters surprisingly likable and engaging. They were fleshed out (well, much more than you'd expect in a typical Godzilla movie) and had their own story arcs. My favorite characters would have to be Ishiro Serizawa (Ken Watanabe), Ilene Chen (Zhang Ziyi), Alan Jonah, and Rick Stanton (Brad Whitford). Rick especially since his jokes are actually pretty good. I also like Alan considering he's not your typical Godzilla human villain who wants to use the Orca and turn the Titans into weapons of war, rather, he comes off more as a Miyazaki villain like Kushana or Lady Eboshi, in that he has good intentions (he's sick and tired of humanity's nonsense and it would be better if the Titans took back the planet), it's just his execution of this plan involved the near extinction of human civilization and the reliance on a three-headed, psychotic dragon from space. Also, Mark Russell (Kyle Chandler) is pretty much the anti-Haruo Sakaki. He holds a grudge against Godzilla, but even then he knows it's downright suicidal to try and fight him and, in the end, realizes the Big G's the only thing standing in the way of Ghidorah's machinations. Heck, some of his actions save more people as opposed to Haruo whose blind hatred towards Godzilla got people killed.

5. NO! POLITICAL! AGENDA!: Seriously, am I the only one sick of seeing overly PC elements in movies nowadays? I mean, I get it, there should be more representation, but when those themes bring a film to a screeching halt, it feels more like propaganda posing as entertainment. Luckily, KOTM doesn't do that. If anything, it sticks closer to the themes of the Godzilla franchise (coexistence with Nature and what not) and the only political jab it made was a mention of a Titan attacking Stone Mountain. However, it's so brief and so quick, you'd miss it and it wouldn't change a damn thing. Heck, the only actual politics in the movie is a conference scene you'd expect to see in a Godzilla film. Not only that, but none of the main female characters (Emma, Madison, Ilene etc) are Mary Sues, not even Mothra who is the most powerful of the main female leads (yes, Mothra is technically a character) is all powerful. Emma, despite her stupid, STUPID plan, is clearly not thinking straight due to five years of mourning her son and going extreme with Serizawa's belief of the Titans bringing balance to Earth clearly isn't helping. So, yeah, this movie isn't trying to get Woke points, it's trying to tell a story.

6. The Action Sequences: Aside from one scene, most of the action in this movie is probably some of the best out of any Godzilla film, heck, it's some of the best action I've seen in a Kaiju movie in general. And, trust me, if the anime Godzilla trilogy left a bad taste in your mouth (not that I blame you), you can rest comfortably that we get a proper fight between Godzilla and King Ghidorah. Also, this is the first time we get to see Godzilla and Ghidorah really go at it.

Overall:

This movie was exactly what I wanted to see from an American Godzilla film. It was also the nice little pick-me-up after the utter disappointment that was the anime Godzilla trilogy. Frankly, I think Kong better have something up his sleeves when he and Godzilla have their cinematic rematch next year.

#ooc #godzilla #godzilla: king of the monsters #king ghidorah #rodan #mothra #monsterverse #review

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sophieakatz · 5 years ago

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Thursday Thoughts: Yet Another Feminist Movie Test

The people of the internet (myself included) have a lot of fun playing around with the “Bechdel Test” – a simple formula created by lesbian comic artist Alison Bechdel to determine whether a film is worth seeing. This test asks the following three questions:

Are there at least two named female characters in the film?

Do they have a conversation with each other?

And is that conversation about something other than a man?

The Bechdel Test does a good job of illustrating several significant problems in mass media – the lack of named female characters, and the extremely limited range of plots, lifestyles, and character types that these female characters are given. It’s good for pointing out trends that fail to represent the diverse lives of women, and which specifically fail to appeal to lesbians and other wlw (women who like women).

But this little “test” on its own does not actually determine whether an individual film is “feminist.” It’s only three questions, after all.

Since the Bechdel Test took off in internet circles, many netizens have come up with their own media tests inspired by Bechdel’s comic. You can read about a lot of them here, but here are some of my favorites:

The Mako Mori Test: Is there at least one female character, who gets her own narrative arc, which is not about supporting a man’s story?

The Ellen Willis Test: Would this story’s depiction of these two characters still work if the genders of the characters were flipped?

The Topside Test: Does this film have more than one transgender character, who know each other, and who talk to each other about something other than a transition-related procedure?

Deggans’ Rule: Are there at least two people of color in this film, and is the film’s narrative not about race?

The Sexy Lamp Test: If you replaced the female character with a “sexy” lamp, would nothing change about the film?

Today I am adding my own test to the mix. Let’s call it the Want Test.

The Want Test is based on one question: Does what the named female character want matter to the plot?

Of course, this requires that there be a named female character in the movie. I’m taking that as a given. Most films do have one of those, these days. However, this test does not allow a filmmaker to simply point at the presence of a named female character and say that their work is done. This question asks about the relevance of this named female character. Does what she want actually matter to her world? If the answer is yes, give the film a checkmark. If the answer is no, give it a minus sign.

Note that she doesn’t necessarily need to get what she wants, but the movie world around her should react as though her wanting it means something. Villains have desires that drive plots, certainly, but that doesn’t mean that they should succeed. Additionally, many protagonists begin a movie believing that they want one thing and act upon that desire, but along the way figure out that something else is better for them. These stories are all important and I don’t want to bog this test down with the requirement that these characters get what they want, because getting what you want is not always a good thing.

Musicals tend to pass this test pretty easily, especially Disney Princess movie musicals. Cinderella of Cinderella wants to go to the ball – that matters to the plot. Tiana of The Princess and the Frog wants to open a restaurant – that matters to the plot. A main feature of a musical is the “I Want” song – the scene early on where the heroine has a solo about what she wants, setting up the plot of the story. Movies with an “I Want” song consistently get their checkmark from this test.

But this is me we’re talking about, and I’m not going to leave it this simple, now am I? Let’s add some more plusses and minuses to the test.

The titular character of Snow White gets two “I Want” songs (“I’m Wishing” and “Someday My Prince Will Come”). She wants to find love – and she gets it, too. She also spends a lot of time bossing the dwarves out of their slovenliness, for no apparent reason other than that she wants to. That’s enough for a checkmark.

But Snow White is not the only named female character whose wants matter to the plot. The Evil Queen (and yeah, I’m counting that as a name, because it’s how she’s consistently referred to in Disney media) wants to be the fairest of them all, and that want drives her to try to kill Snow White multiple times, launching the entire plot in the first place. If more than one named female characters have wants that drive the plot, then the film gets a check-plus.

However, Snow White does not do as well under this test as it possibly could. Snow and the Queen’s wants directly conflict with each other; they are enemies. Ultimately, for the story to conclude, what one of them wants needs to matter less than what the other woman wants. And that’s not ideal.

Let’s take a look instead at Frozen. Here we have two named female characters, Anna and Elsa, whose wants absolutely matter to the plot. Anna wants to connect with her sister and save Arendelle from the eternal winter, while Elsa wants to protect her sister (and save Arendelle from the eternal winter, but that’s secondary). Ultimately their wants converge, and they help each other get what they want, living happily ever after. If the named female characters help each other get what they want instead of fight against each other, then the film is upped to a check-double-plus.

Now here’s the disappointing side of this test. Sometimes a named female character wants something, and her wants matter – but her wants directly contrast with the wants of a male character. Perhaps she’s the villain who has locked the male character in a dungeon. Perhaps she’s a prospective love interest who doesn’t want to fall for the male character. In this case, while the female’s character’s wants matter, they only matter insofar as the male character is trying to change what she wants or to make sure she does not get what she wants. These films may depict a woman as having desires, but her desires are not actually important – they are an obstacle.

In Toy Story 2, Jessie wants Woody to come with her to the museum in Japan. Woody doesn’t want to go. The viewer does not want him to go. Her wants certainly matter to the world – Jessie’s backstory is arguably the saddest sequence in all of Pixar history, and she nearly sways Woody to her side – but her wants are an obstacle. The film’s triumphant moment is when Woody gets her to change what she wants and come be Andy’s toy instead. As a result, this film gets a check-minus. It passes – but not in a very positive way.

That got pretty wordy. Here is the tl;dr version of the Want Test:

Does what the named female character want matter to the plot?

Yes – checkmark

Yes, AND this is true of multiple named female characters – check-plus

AND these characters help each other get what they want – check-double-plus

Yes, BUT her wants are an obstacle to a male character’s goal – check-minus

No – minus

Now let’s look at some other movies and see how they fare against the Want Test:

Tangled – check-plus. It’s a musical movie with an “I Want” song, and Rapunzel’s desire to see the lanterns sure as heck matters. So does Mother Gothel’s desire to keep Rapunzel prisoner and stay young forever. They’re opponents, so it doesn’t get a double-plus, but it’s still an excellent film.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl – check! Elizabeth Swann is a force to be reckoned with, and the world around her recognizes it right from the start. Alas, she is the only one of her kind. There are other named female characters here, but what they want (to slap Jack) is only ever played for laughs.

Toy Story 1 – minus. Bo exists, but she might as well be a sexy lamp (which, you know, she is). Toy Story 4, on the other hand, earns a check-double-plus in the end. As I’ve written before, that film is entirely about a man learning to put his wants second to what the women around him want. Because of this, Toy Story 4 might even deserve a check-triple-plus.

The Social Network – check-minus. Barely. The film begins with Erica Albright getting fed up with fictional-Mark-Zuckerburg’s assholery and dumping him, which implies that she wants to be treated better. The film gets a check because this want is what sets off the entire plot, and Mark spends the rest of the film trying to impress her in one way or another, but since her wants are one hundred percent in opposition to Mark’s wants, it’s a check-minus.

Mad Max: Fury Road – check-double-plus, easily. This film is a group of women’s journey towards freedom. They don’t all make it there, but the fact that they want it and strive for it literally changes the world.

Ocean’s 8 – check-double-plus. If you need to ask why, then we didn’t watch the same film.

Up – check-plus! Surprised? The female presence in this film isn’t obvious at first glance. But there are two named female characters – Ellie and Kevin (yes, the bird counts, this is a world with sentient animals). While Ellie spends all but the first five minutes of the film deceased, the want that she establishes in those first five minutes – to travel with Carl to Paradise Falls – drives literally everything that Carl does in the film. Kevin just wants to live her life as a mama bird, feeding and protecting her babies, and those wants do matter, in sharp contrast to the wants of the villainous Charles Muntz.

Moana – double-check-plus! Moana, Grandma Tala, and Te Fiti’s wants all align. I can’t remember Moana’s mother’s name ever being said in the film itself (according to the credits her name is Sina), but she has a key moment early on of helping Moana get what she wants, even though that means giving up some of what Sina herself wants, and that’s noteworthy too.

Now here’s where the fun continues: you could also replace “female character” with a different minority! Does what the named Asian-American character want matter to the plot? Does what the named disabled character want matter to the plot? Does what the named transgender character want matter to the plot? So you’ve “inserted diversity” into your film – but what are you doing with it? It’s not enough for us to just be there. We need to matter, as people with desires and agency. We need to matter in films, because we matter in reality. And we haven’t mattered for long enough.

Let’s have a conversation! What other films pass - or fail! - the Want Test? What media tests do you like to apply to the films you watch? Reblog, reply, or retweet with your thoughts!

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peraltasames · 6 years ago

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mountains and valleys (and all that will come in between) - chapter one

Jake, Amy, and four distinct yet painfully similar times the universe pulled them apart and pushed them back together.

read on ao3

part one: undercover

When Jake leaves Amy standing outside the precinct, her mouth slightly agape and the air sucked out of her lungs, she doesn’t know when she’s going to see him again.

In a much darker realm of possibility that she doesn’t dare to explore for too long, she doesn’t know if she’s going to see him again.

She recalls in vivid horror the time that her old precinct, back when she was a beat cop, received word that one of their detectives was tortured and killed on an undercover operation scarily similar to the one Jake is embarking on. She hopes and prays that the detective the NYPD lost that day five years ago didn’t leave some unlucky man or woman with a confession of love and longing that they would never get the chance to act on.

She stands in place, her feet incapable of movement, for an indefinite amount of time. She isn’t sure if it’s five minutes or an hour that pass by - or, if she’s lucky, the entirety of the three to five months that the FBI estimates Jake’s mission to take - but eventually the wind picks up and a shiver runs up her spine. She feels her phone buzz in her pocket and wonders how long it’s been doing that, how long she’s been completely unaware her surroundings.

Teddy Wells

Hi, Amy. Are you still coming over? It’s unlike you to be late.

Teddy Wells

(2) Missed Calls

There are a million things she wants to do right now: run after Jake (though he’s long gone), scream, throw something breakable, drink an entire bottle of vodka, flee the country. Spending time with Teddy is low on the list. She isn’t obligated to - they haven’t been dating for that long and it’s perfectly okay for her to choose a night in without giving him a full explanation - but blowing off her boyfriend would mean that something has changed.

She can’t admit that she feels as though her entire world has been shifted on its axis. Not to herself. Definitely not to the man she is dating. And not to Jake, either, because he never gave her the damn chance to.

He disappeared like a wildfire that was suddenly extinguished, and she’s left to deal with the rubble.

According to the alarm clock next to her bed, which she must arch her body over Teddy’s sleeping form to read properly, it’s nearly three in the morning.

Precisely five hours after the time that Teddy insists they go to bed following their evening crossword, and she’s gotten - in total - about one hour of sleep.

It’s not Amy’s fault. She knows she has to be up in three hours for work and it’s going to be a busy day working as a secondary on Rosa’s homicide case. She knows she’s barely slept all week and her body is hating her for it.

She blames a part of her brain that she knows from AP bio but is too damn tired to recall for the images that appear every time she closes her eyes.

Jake, laughing in the passenger seat of her squad car about the imaginary backstory he’s invented for one of his undercover personas.

Jake, biting his lip and absentmindedly running his hand through messy hair as he stares pensively at a case file, the gears in his mind turning wildly.

Jake, standing in front of her eight days ago and saying “I kinda wish something could happen between us...romantic-stylez”.

The ethical complications of thinking such thoughts about another man while in bed next to her sleeping boyfriend clog her mind, making it even harder to rest.

She trudges to the kitchen, surrendering to her losing battle with sleep. Her socked feet tip-toe on the hardwood floor to avoid any creaking sounds that may wake Teddy.

It isn’t until she raises a glass of water to her lips that she notices her hands are shaking. Her entire body is shaking, actually, which is one of the first indicators of an oncoming panic attack. She tries to breathe slowly, close her eyes and count to ten, like she’s been instructed to. It works some of the time.

“C’mon, Amy,” she mumbles to herself, shutting her eyes even tighter as she feels tears threaten to escape. “Get it together.”

I know you’re with Teddy, and I know it’s going really well.

She shakes her head, slamming her glass down on the counter a bit too loudly. “Stop thinking about it,” she says aloud, willing Jake’s voice in her head to just disappear.

I don't know what's gonna happen on this assignment, and if something bad goes down, I think I'd be pissed at myself if I didn't say this.

Her fingernails dig into her palms as she tries to ground herself to reality. She’s worried that these thoughts and emotions are going to eat her alive.

“Fuck,” she blurts out, her hand coming to cover her mouth the moment she blurts out the word. The Santiagos conditioned their children not to curse at a young age through loss of before-bed reading time, and it’s stuck with her through to adulthood. She rarely swears, and only does so in situations that demand such a word to be spoken. But, damn, if this doesn’t fit the bill, what does?

I kinda wish something could happen, between us, romantic styles.

In the darkness of her kitchen, with not a soul there to hear her, she whispers:

“So do I.”

It takes another five days for Amy to confide in someone. She’s not thinking about Jake - one of the rare moments of the past two weeks that her thoughts manage to travel elsewhere - as she sits on Teddy’s living room sofa, reading one of her favourite crime novels while he flips through the channels.

“Do you want to watch this one?”

She’s too engrossed in her novel, which is steadily climbing towards the big climax she’s read a dozen times but never tires of, to look up from its pages.

“Whatever you want, I’m not really watching,” she mumbles, hastily turning the page.

Teddy murmurs words of agreement and selects whatever title he was pondering, and it takes about twenty seconds for Amy to recognize the dialogue.

“You throw quite a party. I didn’t realize they celebrated Christmas in Japan.”

Before she looks up at the screen, she’s briefly transported to several distinct memories of the past few years: Jake’s couch four months ago, a half-eaten pizza and two cans of orange soda in front of them, watching this very movie; a year before that, viewing it (along with the sequel) at Charles’ place during Jake’s surprise birthday party; her first year at the Nine-Nine, sitting in the break room with a shitty laptop on the table playing the film while Captain McGintley took his afternoon nap, despite Amy’s better judgement.

“Everything okay?”

Amy glances down at the book, which she unknowingly dropped in her lap as her eyes fixed on Bruce Willis shooting a gun on Teddy’s television. She realizes with a sharp pain in her chest that this is the first time in years that she’s watched this movie without Jake present.

“Do you not like Die Hard? We can watch something else-“

“No,” she interrupts, shaking her head. “I mean, no, I don’t like Die Hard, but...that’s not what’s bothering me.”

Teddy furrows his eyebrows and turns off the television, twisting his body to face her and, perhaps, to figure out what she’s thinking.

“There’s a reason I’ve been kind of weird the past couple of weeks.”

He prompts her to continue with a slow nod. It certainly has not gone unnoticed the way she’s flinched away from so many of his touches, declined his advances in the bedroom every evening, stared into space for most of their dinners together.

“You know how Peralta got fired?”

Teddy nods again, somewhat more apprehensively. Jake’s been a source of tension for them before, from their first date after Tactical Village Day when Teddy questioned if they had some sort of romantic history and Amy rambled incessantly about how he’s her coworker and she would never date him rather than giving a simple and far less suspicious “no.”

“You can’t tell anyone this, but he had to get fired so he could go on an undercover mission with the FBI. And before he left, he, um...” She swallows the lump in her throat, which now feels incredibly dry. “He told me he had feelings for me.”

Teddy’s eyes widen, and he discards the blanket previously draped over his lap.

“Well, you told him it’s never gonna happen, right?” he asks quickly, anger building in his voice.

“I didn’t really get the chance, he kinda just dropped the bomb and walked away and we can’t have any contact-“

“Do you have feelings for him?”

The right answer to that question isn’t immediately evident to Amy - a “no” would be a blatant lie, but “yes” would immediately terminate a relationship that she isn’t sure she’s ready to see the end of. Teddy is the perfect man on paper, the kind of man that her father would probably approve of upon their first introduction. He’s a good cop, just like Jake, but his approach to detective work is methodical and precise and completely unlike the frantic (brilliant) energy of Jake solving a case nobody else, even Amy herself, could solve. She feels comfortable with him, she feels safe, but she’s wondered from time to time if it’s a little too safe. It’s only logical - there’s no way he can break her heart if he never really has it in the first place.

Regardless of her intentions, she gathers from Teddy’s disappointed glare that the right answer is probably not complete silence.

“I think I-I’m confused.”

Teddy pauses, his ears reddening like he’s gearing up for an argument, but instead lets out a heavy sigh and nods his head. “Okay. I guess you should probably-“

“Go home and take some time to think,” Amy finishes.

“I was going to say we should talk about this, but…if that’s what you need.”

Amy looks at him apologetically and presses a quick peck to his cheek before standing to gather her things.

“I’ll call you on the weekend,” she calls out to him before shutting his front door behind her, scurrying downstairs and to the nearest bodega to buy a pack of cigarettes.

The next three months bring longer days and warmer weather to New York. Summer means the precinct is at a more acceptable temperature for Amy’s eternally-cold skin, it means the majority of her colleagues are cashing in their time off and she has more casework to keep herself busy, and this year it means long nights hiding at work to avoid her boyfriend who is still, somehow, her boyfriend despite her weeks of confusion and claiming she felt they were “out of sync.”

Really, the confusion is far from resolved. It definitely won’t be until Jake is back and she can at least speak to him about everything, but it’s become increasingly unclear when that will be as the three-month park passes and they still have little to no information on the status of his case.

It’s a particularly hot June afternoon, shortly before the end of her shift and the beginning of the weekend. She’s heading to New Jersey tomorrow morning (it’s no coincidence that she’s visiting her parents so much more frequently these past few months - Jersey is a Teddy-free zone, and therefore a hard-to-answer-question-free zone) and wrapping up the last of a string of open-and-shut B&Es.

Her head jolts up from her desk when she hears the sound of the captain exiting his office, the familiar clacking of his shoes on the tile floor a sound that she’s taught herself to respond to with alertness.

“Jeffords, Santiago, Boyle and Diaz, can I see you all for a moment?”

She’s up at her feet in an instant, the first to enter the captain’s office as the others follow behind her. Rosa’s the last to walk in, and Holt closes the door immediately behind her.

“What’s going on, sir?” Terry asks, crossing his arms.

“A friend of mine at the FBI has given me some insight into Peralta’s case that I felt I should share with all of you,” Holt explains, moving to stand behind his desk.

She can’t gage from his expression whether the news is that he’s coming home or that he’s dead or something else entirely, but her knees go weak nonetheless and she grabs onto the back of a chair as subtilely as possible.

“What is it?” Charles asks quickly with wide eyes. “Is Jake okay?”

“He’s alive,” Holt says quickly, and Amy’s world stops spinning long enough that she’s able to nod in understanding and stand a little straighter. “The case is going well, and there is a chance that they’re getting close to being able to set up a sting. Unfortunately, the closer that Peralta gets to the Ianucci family, the more their enemies become his. He hasn’t sustained any major injuries, but the danger of the case has grown exponentially…”

Amy watches Holt’s lips move for another minute or two, but the rest of the words fade out into a dull humming sound in her ears. She wants to collapse to the floor or run to the bathroom and throw up, but her feet are glued to the floor.

“Santiago, are you alright?”

It’s not the first time the voice of her commanding officer is the only thing to snap her out of a heavy trance. She looks up at Holt and realizes that he’s done his spiel and his eyes, along with everyone else in the room’s, are fixed on her.

“I’m fine, sir,” she says, supporting her statement with a contender for the most obviously fake smile in history. “I’m sorry, will you excuse me? I think I’m getting a-a call-“

With a small nod of approval from Captain Holt, she’s pushing past Rosa towards the exit and running to the roof. She needs air. She needs nicotine. She needs, and this one is by far the most pressing, to see Jake Peralta healthy and alive.

A dark corner at Shaw’s and several bottles of beer, Amy quickly realizes, is the best and only available antidote for the day she’s had. No Teddy, no smalltalk with coworkers, nothing but the numbing effect of the alcohol on her tired brain.

She hasn’t spent much time here over the past few months. It turns out there are a lot of places that feel just a little bit wrong without Jake around. Some are unavoidable - work, for instance, and the little deli across the street that they both love. Others, she avoids at all cost - the bar, his neighbourhood, that one apartment building on Barton Street where they conducted a stakeout many months ago on the worst (yet somehow, best) date of her life.

“What’s up with you?”

She looks up from anxiously picking at the wrapper of her bottle at her fellow detective and - sometimes, Amy thinks - friend.

“Oh, hey Rosa,” Amy says quickly, already raising her guard. “Um, nothing’s up with me. What’s up with you?”

She sighs as Rosa gives her the look that she knows by now to mean that she is not having any of her bullshit and subsequently slides into the seat across from her.

“Fine,” Amy mumbles after a few moments of Rosa’s hard stare. She’s a little drunk and feeling a lot of emotions, so she settles on the one that’s the easiest to express right now - anger. “I’m mad at him.”

Rosa narrows her eyes. “Teddy?”

Amy shakes her head incredulously. She supposes it’s the natural assumption, him being her boyfriend and all, but she’s never mad at Teddy. He doesn’t do anything wrong. Even if he did, she doubts he could ever make her feel as mad as she does right now.

“Peralta,” Amy clarifies, not helping the look of confusion on Rosa’s face. “He’s…the worst. I’m pissed at him.”

“For what? He’s been gone for months.”

Amy laughs, taking a long swig of her beer until its contents are completely drained. She imagines she looks like a crazy person as she slams the bottle on the table and continues laughing.

“That’s the problem, Diaz. He left for months, right after he-” She hiccups from the recent chugging of her beverage. “He told me he likes me. Like, likes me likes me. For realz, romantic-stylez, likes me. Jake Peralta.”

Rosa eyebrows raise a little bit, but there is no gasp of shock that follows Amy’s confession. After a moment, she simply nods.

“Hold up,” Amy mumbles, her hands gripping the table as she begins to feel slightly dizzy. “Did you know? Did he tell you?”

“No, Jake and I don’t talk about that crap,” Rosa asserts quickly. “But…I suspected it for a while. I think everyone kinda did.”

Amy lets out a sigh of exasperation, suddenly feeling like the worst detective on Earth. Has he really liked her for a while? Potentially before she embarked on her current relationship, satisfactory yet completely dull in comparison to the excitement of bickering with Jake while on a case?

“He just left and now he could get hurt or-or die and he didn’t even give me the chance to respond,” she whines, burying her face in her hands as her hair falls like a curtain around her head. “What a complete ass.”

“So you like him back, huh?”

Amy hurriedly brushes the hair out of her face to look the other woman in the eye.

“I never said that,” she snaps, once again reverting to the defensive. “I-he’s Jake, I wouldn’t-I mean, maybe, but I’m still with Teddy and I’m just confused, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I just don’t want him to die. That doesn’t mean I like him.”

“Okay.”

“It would be nice to get the chance to figure it out, though. With him here.”

“I know.”

“And…I don’t want to lose him.”

Rosa’s eyes soften a little this time, though her tone remains steady: “You won’t.”

Amy holds her coworker’s - no, they’re definitely friends - gaze, nodding slowly. Rosa’s right about pretty much everything. She hopes this is no exception.

“I need another drink.”

“I don’t think so, Santiago,” Rosa stands and blocks her path back to the bar. “C’mon, I’ll take you home. I haven’t had anything to drink yet.”

A few minutes later, in the passenger seat of Rosa’s car, Amy opens her eyes for the first time since they left the Shaw’s parking lot and turns her head to face Rosa as she focuses on driving.

“Do you think me and Jake - uh, romantic-stylez - would be bad idea?”

Rosa pauses and glances over briefly. “I don’t think you’re gonna remember this tomorrow.”

Amy just curls in on herself and gives into her drunken desire to zone out and stare out the window at the passing city lights.

“But no,” Rosa mutters faintly just before Amy passes out. “I don’t think it’s a bad idea.”

Amy doesn’t get much warning that he’s coming back. There’s been whispers among their detective squad, but no real confirmation that this would be unlike the many other times they were close to a sting but couldn’t quite pull it off.

She has the weekend off, and Sunday evening she gets a text from Rosa:

Jake’s back. They got most of the Ianuccis yesterday - busted at a family wedding. He’ll be at work tomorrow.

She’s beyond grateful for the heads up, because she has at least twelve hours to compose herself before she’s face-to-face with him for the first time in six months..

On one hand, she’s entirely unprepared to see him. On the other, she’s tempted to drive to his apartment right now and kiss him harder than she’s ever kissed anyone.

The more rational part of Amy, the part that is still in a relationship with a reasonable man for a woman approaching her thirties to be dating, wins this one.

She barely sleeps the night before he returns, her mind drafting a dozen options for what she may say to him when they reunite. Some are more dramatic or cliche than others, many would morally require her to break up with Teddy first. All of them end with some acknowledgement of her feelings, but none end up leaving her mouth when the time comes.

They’re in the evidence lockup, alone in a room together for the first time in so long - it felt like an eternity for her, at least - and she just can’t say it. Not like this, not now, not yet.

“I’m still with Teddy. Romantic-stylez.”

The hurt, slightly surprised look on Jake’s face - which she has been subconsciously re-memorizing since the moment he stepped off the elevator - makes her regret the choice instantly, but the real sweeping blow to her heart comes when he takes back his confession a moment later.

Later that day - somewhere between the clinking of glasses, Jake respectfully informing her that he does indeed still have feelings for her but understands that she’s still with Teddy, and a quiet walk alone to the subway after she decides she needs some air - Amy back to square one in terms of the confusion as to where her heart lies.

She arrives at Teddy’s at their agreed upon time and lets herself in, taking her boots off and placing them in the orderly line of his shoes on the rack by the door.

“In the kitchen, Amy!”

The sight before her in his large, well-lit kitchen with marble countertops is nothing new. She can estimate immediately that he’s about halfway through his Pilsner-brewing process, which he’s recently become quite obsessed with. Simply through frequent observation, she’s pretty sure she could make Pilsners in her sleep at this point.

“How was work today?” Teddy asks without looking up from the stove. “I heard Peralta’s back from his big, fancy FBI operation.”

The ignores the condescending tone and obvious jealousy, taking a seat at one of the stools and dropping her purse.

“It was fine.”

“Did you finally tell him nothing’s gonna happen between you two?”

Amy nods slowly, staring at her hands in her lap, and then realizes he still isn’t facing her. “Yeah. I told him.”

Teddy adjusts the burner on the stove and turns to her with a wide smile that fades the moment they make eye contact.

“What’s wrong?” he demands, brows furrowed. “Did he give you a hard time? If he’s being a jerk-“

“No.” God, she wishes he was a jerk. It would be so, so much easier if he was an entitled asshole. “No, he was perfectly respectful. I’m not upset, just-”

“Confused?”

Teddy repeats her choice of words from months ago - a word that is still haunting her - and she wants so badly to lie and shake her head and pretend that everything is fine and there’s nothing to be worried about. She can’t do that in good conscience, but she figures she can keep dating Teddy and see where that relationship takes her as long as she’s at least relatively honest with him.

“Yeah,” she confirms. “So, what flavour is this batch?”

She can see it in his eyes that Teddy isn’t happy with her answer, but at least she knows that she told him (part of) the truth as she sits back and listens to him talk about yeast and fermentation for the next forty minutes.

What she doesn’t admit to him, nor to herself quite yet, is that their relationship has been a ticking time bomb from the moment Jake flagged her down outside the precinct six months ago. Whether she likes it or not, it’s only a matter of time before it explodes and destroys everything in its reach.

Destruction isn’t always the worst thing, though. Not when it’s making room for something new and, if she’s lucky, something beautiful.

#otp: you're not allowed to fall in love with me #b99 fic #peraltiago #let me know what y'all think!!#part 2 should be up pretty soon #and will contain much more actual jake/amy and not just amy thinking about him bc they'll be dating lmao #title from another greatest showman song bc of course it is!#myfics

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