#i mean the first time we spent hours talking. she was crying the whole day and gave a detailed list of all the red flags he had shown

[vivid-dreamscapes]

Loosely based on a real thing that happened to me a few weeks ago

You sighed as you walked into the building for the hero license classes, bag slung over you’re shoulder, your hero costume and gear stuffed inside.

You had missed the hero license exam due to being sick day-of, but you didn’t mind taking the lessons. Apparently another girl—Camie is what Izuku had told you—was in a similar boat. She hadn’t actually been at the exam, but a villain dressed as her had. Point was, you both missed it and now you were going to the lessons.

As you walked in, you saw the familiar spiky blonde locks of your boyfriend Katsuki coming out of the guy’s changing room. When he noticed you, you gave him a small wave and he gave you an extremely subtle smirk before walking off. You rolled your eyes with a smile of you’re own before dipping into the girls locker rooms.

As you started to change, you’re heard a few other girls in the other room of the changing rooms giggling over something. At first you ignored it—probably boy talk or something—but then you heard your school’s name.

“Let’s find who all from UA is here!” One of the girls said in an obnoxiously high pitched voice, holding up her phone. On it were the list of people taking the lessons.

“Imagine—UA must be losing its touch if it had people coming here! Some ‘top hero school in Japan’!” Another one said, giggling as well. You heard them go through the names of your classmates—Katsuki, Todoroki—before they got to you. You already knew this could go two ways; really well or really badly.

“Ewww, that’s [Name]?” On of the other girls said, pointing at the phone screen. “I thought Shindo said she was hot.”

“She’s not even pretty.” The high pitched girl said with a snarky chuckle, her eyes glinting. “I mean…I knew she couldn’t be all that but I didn’t think she was ugly.”

That’s when you felt a pit in your stomach. You’d been told you weren’t pretty before. You’d been told you weren’t hot. But never, ever, had you been called ugly. And the feeling that coursed through your body was equally as ugly. You blinked a few times before slipping out, now in your costume.

You spent the entirety of the lessons that day trying not to burst into tears—though it was hard. Tears never fell from you’re eyes, but they had certainly welled up in them, blocking you’re vision, making you’re eyes red, being generally obvious something was wrong. You got looks through the class but no one said anything. You couldn’t blame them. Eventually, towards the end of the day, you had managed to numb your emotions.

It wasn’t until you were walking home that said numbness finally broke, and with it you broke into tears. First a few sniffles, then the waterworks. You walked home in the glowing orange light of the sunset, wiping your eyes and the tears off your skin.

You hadn’t even noticed the footsteps running up behind you until the person they belonged too practically barreled into your back. You let out an ‘oomph’ as strong arms wrapped around you, holding you close as the person buried their face into your hair.

”Fuckin’ dumbass.” The all too familiar voice of your boyfriend was heard, muffled from speaking into your hair. You turned around with a shocked sniffle, surprised. What was with the sudden, out of character hug attack?

“Katsuki?”

“I could see you holding back all day. We weren’t even learning anything that bad today, you shoulda went to the bathroom and had a good cry.” You looked at him and he lifted his head to look back up at you, resting his chin on your shoulder. His arm stayed wrapped around your lower torso, pulling you closer against his chest with a squeeze.

“Oh gods, you saw that?”

“It’s hard not to when you don’t even look in my direction for the whole few hours in there. You’re usually always glancin’ my way.”

“Well I didn’t want you to see me being all pathetic ‘n shit.”

He pulled back and stood straight up, his eyebrows knitting together in disturbed confusion. “Pathetic?” He repeated, a hint of disappointment in his tone. Disappointed you thought being vulnerable was weak. “I don’t know why you were upset, but I guarantee it was for a valid reason—and that makes you anything but pathetic. It makes you human.”

You gave him a stiff smile and started walking again, now with the blonde walking next to you. After a few moment of silence, he asked; “Why were you so upset? I mean, you don’t need to tell me or anything, I just—I wanna know if I can help.”

After a long, quiet moment, you responded with a sigh. “I got called ugly today.” You mumbled, eyes glued to the sidewalk. His head whipped around to look at you but you continued just as he opened his mouth to speak. “I know, it’s a stupid reason to be upset. I mean, people get called ugly all the time. I just…” You held the strap of yours bag tighter, biting your bottom lip as the tears started to well up again. “I just ya know…finally started feeling pretty an’ stuff, an’…I mean….I just wish other people thought I was pretty too, ya know?”

You continued to mumbled, getting quieter as sobs threatened to spill from your lips. With a concerned expression, he pulled you close, hugging you again, this time from the front. You covered your hands as he leaned your head against his chest, once again letting yourself cry. “Whoever said that doesn’t know shit. You’re the goddamn prettiest person I know. And that’s saying something, I’ve seen the models my parents have over for shoots.”

“Yeah, but you’re biased.” You mumbled and he held you tighter, letting out a scoff. Not a sharp one though, more like a scoff of sadness.

“Me? Biased? Even if that were so, we both know I’m brutally honest. If you weren’t goddamn stunning, I wouldn’t tell you that you were.”

After a few more minutes of letting it all out, he stayed over at yours dorm to binge watch your current favorite show—no matter how much he hated it. He even—begrudgingly—stayed up past 8:30 to cuddle with you, giving you kisses here and then.

As you two stayed all snuggled up, you started to feel tired. Resting your head against his chest, you closed your eyes with a smile. “Thanks Katsuki.”

“For what?”

“…earlier.”

“…You’re welcome dumbass.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To any of you out there who’ve ever been told you’re ugly, not pretty, not attractive, not handsome, not cute, etc—don’t believe them.

On October 1st, four days ago, our population was counted to roughly 8,179,451,535 people. That means, one, or maybe two, or maybe four people called you ugly. Four out of 8,179,451,535 people.

And I guarantee, what one person hates, multiple people love. To one person you may not be attractive. But to another, you’re going to be the most attractive person they’ve ever seen, a sight for sore eyes. And the people who insulted you? They’re the real ugly ones. On the inside. And probably on the outside someday too.

You’re amazing. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise ❤️

[digitaldiarystuff]

Bad Liar Pt.2

note: hello, it’s me (read it in adele voice) thank you so much for the likes it makes me want to write more enjoyy

————

summary: you are in a long time situationship with pedri and you’re falling more and more everyday hoping he feels the same

pairing: Pedri Gonzalez x Y/N

genre: pure angst

————

You spent the night bawling your eyes out and hugging your best friend for some support. After a couple of hours your tears started drying and you ran a bath to collect your thoughts. Okay, let’s look at the facts, you’ve been around Pedri for months and never noticed a hint of a girlfriend. Sure you weren’t spending every hour of every day but he stayed at your place once or twice a week and you never even saw him pick a phone call with a girl, sometimes you noticed him focused on his phone brows furrowed answering some texts and yeah you thought maybe he was messing around with someone else but never had the courage to ask about it and honestly after a while, you started trusting him. Trusting him seemed like the biggest mistake you’ve ever done. You believed what you had was special and he was in this with you. What a fool you were.

After the shower you just put on some pajamas and went to lie on your bed but before you could even sit down your mind went back to the morning, how he was sleeping like an angel next to you in this bed. Tears were rolling from your eyes uncontrollably. Realizing you couldn’t bear to sleep there you decided to let your friend crash in your room and took the couch instead. She tried arguing but didn’t press too much. She knew you needed space. After some more crying you let sleep take over.

The morning after wasn’t any better, you woke up crying and picked up your phone to see if there was any notifications from him, you hated how weak you were over someone not worthy but you couldn’t be strong right now. The only thing that could heal you was him and he broke your heart to a million pieces. Just thinking about last night made your stomach turn and you ran to the bathroom to vomit, it was your body’s reaction to everything that happened over the last 12 hours, how turned upside down your life was.

He hadn’t texted you, not even a sorry or can we talk. It was like he forgot about you all together. You had a million questions. How long was this going on, did you mean anything to him, who was she, why did she post him last night, did she know about you?

Your friend’s first suggestion was to make him pay, share all his business with the whole world and destroy his quiet shy and kind guy image but she knew you’d never do that, even he’d know you wouldn’t. Then she said the next best action would be to ask him straight up, you could also ask the girl but you don’t think you can handle that confrontation. You’re too angry to do that.

“What should I even say?” you ask her desperately.

“Just say meet me at mine. Don’t make it obvious that you know.”

“What if she’s with her.”

“Oh I hope she’s with her.”

“No, what if he doesn’t respond or says no?”

“Then we go over there.” she answered nonchalantly and shrugged “What? Don’t you think he deserves it?”

“I do, I really do but I’m not confident enough for any big fight.”

“You have to do this or your inner thoughts will eat you up.” you knew she was right.

to PG: can you come to my house?

from PG: i can’t busy day

to PG: okay then just come tonight

from PG: busy again, i’ll tell you when i’m free

You were getting more upset by the second, he didn’t even respect to enough to have a decent conversation with you. He must know how you felt because you never hid it and still, he just didn’t care.

to PG: it’s either you come to me right now or i’ll come to yours to meet your girlfriend

from PG: be there in 30

So that’s how he wanted to play.

Soon after the text you hugged your friend goodbye and started waiting for him and even though you weren’t proud about this, you changed and applied some light makeup. You didn’t want him to see how he broke you. As soon as you heard the knock, you looked at yourself once more and opened it allowing him to come in. You were staring into his soul with a newly found bravery while he averted his eyes. He couldn’t even look at you.

“I’m gonna get some water, do you want anything?” he asked and you were shocked at how he tried to make this normal.

“Sit down Pedro.” he was shocked as you used his name, you’ve never called him Pedro but calling him Pedri wasn’t an option to you anymore.

He said nothing and plopped down on the couch.

“Talk.” you ordered.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“You could start by explaining.”

“Look I’m sorry if you feel some type of way about it but honestly I don’t get why you’re this upset.” you just stared at him in shock. How could he try to minimize the situation?

“What do you mean you don’t understand. You have a girlfriend and I don’t even know for how long, you played me and you’re here trying to say it’s nothing. How can you be so calm right now?” you ask agitated.

“Y/N we both said we didn’t want commitment.”

“Yeah because you already had one, to your girlfriend!” you yelled.

“Pedro how could you keep this from me? If I had known I would’ve never been with you, you don’t love me that’s fine I can live with that but how can you sit there and disrespect your relationship disrespect me? Do you really don’t care at all? After we spent months together, after you confessed to me that I’m the only one you could confide in and trust fully and I shouldn’t have trusted you for a second. Don’t you see how wrecked I am, do you not care about me one bit?” you ask fully crying now. His nonchalance is far worse than anything you could imagine.

“Look, we’ve been on again off again for a year now and I never mentioned it to you because when I was with you, it was off and I didn’t want to talk about it.” he finally showed some emotion and it was annoyance but it’s better than nothing.

“You’re still lying to me. If you were on and off why were you in bed with me twice a week? Does your relationship end that quickly? You cheated on her with me and used me. I never asked to be a part of this, I even wanted to end things early on when I realized I had feelings for you but you didn’t accept it. You came to my door, asking for my forgiveness Pedro. You begged me to take you back and I have, if you really only used me why try to win me back, was it all a game? Did you have fun did you laugh at me?”

“No it wasn’t a game I just, I couldn’t lose you, I knew then and there I just couldn’t but I didn’t know how to explain it and the longer I waited the harder it got. I even tried to get you to leave me but I couldn’t leave you. She was away all the time and you became my rock and I got used to waking up next to you and being with you. Last night she came all of a sudden saying she’s moving here permanently and I just” he sighed and you could see tears forming in his eyes “I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry for everything.”

You looked at him and even though you were so heartbroken, you realized maybe this was the last time you got to speak to him.

“Last night I asked to meet up because I was ready to tell you how I felt, I was going to confess my feelings and ask you a question I was dying to ask.”

He looked up at you fidgeting with your fingers, having difficulty breathing.

“What was it?”

“I was going to ask you if you love me.” you whispered.

His gaze turned to his hands on his knees.

“I would’ve said yes.” his voice was so low you almost didn’t hear him.

“But you can’t today, can you?” you found the courage to look up at him again, already knowing the answer. His mind was made up, if he was going to break up with her, he could’ve done it yesterday but he didn’t. They were a happy, throughly messed up couple and you were nothing more than a side chick.

“I’m sorry.” he said while getting up. “I just, I never wanted to hurt you.” he came in front of you and kneeled down to hold eye contact.

“I’m sorry I’m so sorry” he repeated again and again crying and tried holding your hands. You couldn’t even look at him because you would’ve held his hands and calmed him down. This is the first time he’s full on crying next to you and all you wanted to do is console him, be his anchor but you can’t.

“Please look at me.”

“I can’t, after knowing everything I can’t look at you.” you said. You gazed at your hands covered by his and tried your best to not break.

“What I said to you was never a lie, I never lied about my feelings to you.” he confessed.

“So I should believe you love me when you couldn’t even tell me you had a relationship. It can’t be true if you’re here telling me you’re going back to her. If you loved me just one bit, you’ll let me go Pedro. I can’t be in a situation where I’ve been lied to for months and can’t even trust you.” you said still not looking up.

“I understand.” he said not moving. He didn’t stand up just stood by your knees and held your hand as both of you cried some more.

“I think you should go”

He started getting up but sat next to you on the couch

“Can I hug you goodbye?” he asked in a childlike manner. You said nothing so he decided it was okay. You actually didn’t say anything because you needed his affection one last time. This was wrong but you needed him as much as he needed you. Pedri embraced you in his arms and you put your arms around his neck. You sat there entangled in each other for a few minutes until your mind screamed let go so you did but as he was backing up he held your tear stained cheeks and pressed his lips against yours for the last time and you let him. You couldn’t fight it, you just enjoyed his lips on yours and after that he was gone.

Pedri will always be your the one that got away.

————

note: omg i’m gonna cry at how sad it happened but this relationship is nowhere near ending so if you’re interested please share with me your thoughts and opinions about the story luvs

ALSO, should this story have a good or a bad ending i’m so conflicted please helpp

[thereticx]

៚𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗁𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗇𝗍𝗌 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗂𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗇𝗍𝗌

inspired by this song

pairing: Eren Jaeger x Reader

summary: Eren Jaeger shows his face again after a whole year away, recovering from the mess that was yours' breakup. Summer was already here and with it there's no escaping one another.

warnings: break up, ex's to lovers, cheating rumors, sexual themes, slight body talk

author's note: first attempt to write something that includes a song so I hope this isn't terrible (also the first one shot with smut after some time)

✎"Darling, you need to eat something. Please" Carla's voice rang through the massive room where she and her son stood for almost an hour trying to enjoy some good food. She hated seeing him like this, empty and absent.

Eren played with the fork while slowly raising his eyes to face his mother. He tried to mimic a smile as best as he could, maybe just maybe, she'll let it go "I'm not that hungry I ate before I got here"

The long ride to his mother's house gave him enough time to put himself together, to put up a front, convincing enough in order to not raise suspicions. But he forgot that it's his mother. Carla could read him like an open book, she was able to break through his facade and see him.

"Sweetheart, did you break up? Or is it something else? You know you can—"

"Yeah, we did" The boy felt how tears were about to fall from his eyes. God, he hated crying. It made him weak and hopeless. A single question was enough to take him back to that day where all went downhill.

「Hand over heart, I'm praying

That I'm gonna make it out alive 」

"Three years, Eren! Three damn years!" Your mouth tasted the salty tears that slipped over your chapped lips, then it hit you "Why?"

Eren stood in front of you, his eyes scanning your form. Your beautiful face was coated with tears and your eyes were tinted red from all the emotions flowing through them. Those eyes he got lost in every night held so much pain, so much betrayal, for him.

"Baby…please.. I can explain, just—" His trembling hands reached out for you, taking your face in them, his thumb brushing away a droplet of water. Eren's touch was so comforting yet so strange in that moment. You didn't know what to do, how to react. Part of you wanted to slap him so hard he would feel the sting for days, but another part wanted to give up. It was quite tempting to fall into his arms, to let him taste your lips and whisper what you so desperately wanted to hear.

「You got me scattered in pieces

Shining like stars and screaming」

No it's not right. You couldn't offer him your forgiveness not this time. With a shaky breath you managed to break everything you two have built. Every happy moment where you were laughing together, kissing, undressing everything crumbled. To say it hurt like hell was an understatement. It felt horrible. Eren felt his heart hurt, his chest moving up and down so fast he couldn't breathe properly "Please don't….please"

「This is a modern fairy tale

No happy endings」

That day haunted you for weeks on end. You grew to miss him so—so much that nothing had meaning in your life without him.

Eren was the air you breathed, he was the sun that warmed you up whenever you had a messed up day, when you wanted to smash everything in your sight and just hysterically cry.

He would warm you up with his little smirk that showcased perfect teeth, coming to embrace you and kiss your eyelids, your hair and finally your lips. There, he spent a good amount of time, swallowing every regret you had for the day and every bad thought. His lips were so gentle and sweet you couldn't resist. His fingers playing with the hem of your shorts while saying "Let me love you, baby"

And who were you to deny him?

「The bed's getting cold and you're not here

The future that we hold is so unclear

But I'm not alive until you call

And I'll bet the odds against it all」

The body that laid beside you was unknown, strange. Your soul refused to acknowledge it. The burning feeling you once got from Eren touching you, now it was locked up. There's no such thing as pleasure anymore. Only the gods now, you tried to love him. Your new boyfriend. You really did try.

If only he knew what was going on through your head a few hours ago when you had sex. If only he knew the boy who stole your mind and heart was far—far away and still you felt him so close.

His old shirts were kept in your closet, his ring that he had given you on your first year anniversary was kept beside you on your nightstand.

「There's a million reasons why I should give you up

But the heart wants what it wants」

Nights were the worst. In those moments you felt like the most. Your body tingles when you wear his clothes and when you click on the album you're faced with thousands of memories. All of them printed on your mind that when you close your eyes you're able to see him.

「You got me sippin' on something

I can't compare to nothing」

"Eren…this is my boyfriend" A knife ripped his skin and struck his heart. Was this really happening? He shook his hand trying to be as polite as possible but deep down he wanted to break your boyfriend's head and steal you away from him.

Eren was dressed handsomely but adapted to the hot weather. He had his key necklace hidden under his shirt and a smaller one sitting right at the base of his neck. His arms were decorated with bracelets all of them from the time you went to parties together but what really caught your attention was the ring he wore. The one you bought him when he turned nineteen.

He always wore it, even at the gym. Despite the fact that it left nasty marks on his finger, he didn't dare take it off.

When you trailer your eyes up his form you caught his eyes. You could see the pain and regret was still there, but he restrained himself from making a move. His body just couldn't move. You saw the innerbattle he endured seeing you with another man. It was hard for you too, because if he was to take your hand in his right then and there you'll give in and abandon your morals.

Please do it.

He didn't.

「But then you disappear and make me wait

And every second's like torture」

This was a terrible idea. You shouldn't be here with him. Not alone. It's not like you didn't trust him, you didn't trust yourself.

"So, about that thing. I didn't cheat on you. Historia just got into a fight with Ymir and I hugged her. That's all" Eren felt like it was too late to explain everything. But he had hope that you'll take him back.

「Save your advice 'cause I won't hear

You might be right, but I don't care

There's a million reasons why I should give you up

But the heart wants what it wants

The heart wants what it wants」

You smashed your cold lips against his, licking his lower lip to ask for entrance. His hands cupped your face keeping you so close your breaths became one. The taste of him was so addicting you desperately wanted to rip his clothes off.

"What about him?" He whispered, opening his eyes to scan your reaction. You smiled "The only one I care about right now is you. So, shut up and kiss me"

(the two of you broke up before this)

His arms lifted you by the hips and wrapped your legs around his waist. You felt him smirk against your neck, pressing wet hungry kisses. You tilted your head to the side allowing Eren to mark your neck. Your fingers were in his hair taking out his hair tie and letting the long strands of hair to rest on his shoulders "Eren..please"

"I know baby, I know" With one kiss pressed on your lips he laid you down on his bed sheets, admiring your body. You were curvier than he remembered, more beautiful if that was even possible.

Eren removed his shirt, his torso and abs on full display. He let your finger travel on his pecks while he rested his forehead on yours "I fucking missed you" Your touch raised goosebumps on his whole body and his pants were tighter with every second.

You sat up discarding your clothes along with your bra and underwear. You kept your thighs together to stop the slick from slipping further down your legs.

Eren watched you with hungry eyes when he noticed something. Your arms were around your middle, to hide something. He leaned in, taking your lips in his, meeting your tongue. You couldn't escape him. His overwhelming presence made you remove your arms from around you and pull him in, working your way to get him out of his pants.

Eren gripped his dick in his hand aligning with your entrance. His slit moved briefly up and down teasing you "Eren please.." You raised your hips to get some kind of friction.

The boy gripped your hips and stopped your movements "Tell me if it hurts" He pushed his tip inside, making you gripp the bedsheets. It's been a long time since he had been inside you and your now ex boyfriend wasn't even near as big as Eren.

He pushed forward making you close your eyes to stop the tears from building up "Relax baby I'm almost halfway"

Halfway?

"Eren it hurts—" Upon hearing you, he moved no more. His hands grabbed yours and squeezed them "Shh…you're doing so good love..so good" You opened your eyes seeing him look at you with so much love and admiration. He was painfully hard but still he took it slow for you.

His thumb drew circles on your hand while he whispered "Do you remember the first time we did it? You took me so good. Fuck, this pussy is perfect baby. You're perfect"

While he talked you were so focused that you didn't pay attention to the pain anymore "Can I move?"

Oh..

You slowly nodded your head and felt Eren's thrusts. His movements were slow but deep. Your walls hugged him so good he felt like cumming right then.

"Oh fuck—" He picked up the pace, making you see stars. His dick went deeper with every movement reaching your g spot.

You arched your back feeling your orgasm build up "Eren I'm about to cum" He let go of your arms letting you wrap them around his neck. You rested your face in the crook of his neck, panting.

Eren felt your pussy clench around him as your orgasm hit you "That's it baby. Let it go" He put his hand on the back of your head, stroking your hair while he kissed your hair line.

When he pulled out of you, your juices where running down your inner thighs "No..you didn't get to cum"

He laughed sweetly pecking your lips "Don't worry about me—"

But you didn't listen. You pushed him on the bed, your lips kissing him lower and lower, reaching his still hard dick.

You looked up at him and god, he was about break. His hair stuck to his handsome face, his cheeks reddening. He was embarrassed.

You started kissing his dick from the base until you reached his tip. Your tongue came in contact with the precum and didn't hesitate to take him in all the way.

"Fuck—fuck" You felt his fingers grip your hair while he held you there for a second. He didn't apply pressure letting you do whatever.

You moved your head up and down, your tongue flat against his dick. He wasn't able to contain himself and thrusted up in your mouth "Don't stop fuck—"

You didn't dare to. Your hand squeezed his balls while you went faster. His moans were getting louder which indicated that he was close. Eren wasn't the one to shy away when having sex. He was as loud as he wanted.

His dick hit the back of your throat, releasing his load.

He watched you swallow his cum. You crawled on top of him kissing him. He trapped you with his arms, his lips biting your earlobe "I love you, Y/N"

You didn't reply with words but rather you kissed his jaw resting your head on his chest.

I love you

He knew that. You didn't have to speak.

For him it was enough that you were there.

That night the two of you made a promise. Through breathless moments you admitted to yourselves that…..

「The heart wants what it wants, baby

It wants what it wants, baby」

Your hearts want one another.

[z0mbiekisses]

Another request QUEEN!! I loved loved loved the Josh fic it was amazing and has me coming back for more! First of all though, how are you? I realised we haven't talked much before lol. Anyways, my amazing spectacular request!!

RAB Tyler who is best friends/hiding his feelings with the reader. She's someone who works super hard, gets good grades and almost drives herself insane with all the extra curriculars she does yet still doesn't feel good enough. After having a stressful day she stops by his house feeling worthless and he comforts her, refusing to let her believe she's not amazing.

Thanks bestie!

AHHH THANK YOU BFF!!!🤗🤗 thank you so much for requesting more, you’re always welcomed i LOVE your ideas . i did kind of write this in a highschool setting 😣😣.

i’m okayy, very tiredd BUT we’ll push on through (hehe)💪 TYSM FOR ASKING, how are you??😁 it’s always nice to hear from you 🫶

thank you guys so much for ur recent support!! it means smmm, sorry this took so long and it’s short, i have some more things in the drafts that hopefully make up for it 🫶 requests are opened !!🩶

THIS IS ME TRYING !

i always did my best. in school, life, everything. i needed to get into college, i NEEDED to get out of my house. however, college isn’t cheap. and i don’t exactly have the best support system, so it’s up to me. i’m in film club, national honors society and student council. i spend whatever free time studying or at my best friend, tyler’s house. it’s overwhelming, but i didn’t have many options. if i wanted to get into a good school and start living my life the way I want to, this had to be done. but today was rough, i spent all of last night finishing my college essay just to go to school bright and early the next day. i was so exhausted, but what else was new. except i had a test in my first two classes, a presentation for national honors society. and i had to stay late for a student council meeting.

i was used to the stress, however today was just awful. every little thing that could go wrong went wrong. i was late to school because my car broke down, which meant i missed taking the test. i tried to beg my teacher to still let me take it but he only said he'll think about letting me make it up. i NEEDED to take this test, it was a huge part of my grade. it wasn't fair. i gave my presentation for NHS, which went fine. except everyone's presentations were WAY better than mine was. it was obvious the amount of effort and time they spent on it, sure i put effort into mines. i was just missing the time, since i stayed up all night wednesday putting it together. i felt like an idiot. i sat alone at lunch, i only shared my lunch period with one of my friends. but she was busy hanging with her boyfriend. i ended up skipping and just spending the time volunteering at the library. the more hours the better. the day seemed to drag on, especially since i had to stay later. like most if not all the other kids who did student council, we were only doing it for our college applications. i didn't get along well with the other kids. not in the way where we would fight or anything. they were all just so pretentious and snobby. they would always undermind me, as if i could never be an intellectual individual like them. i spent the whole 4 hours i had to stay there wanting to stick my face in a hot pan of oil. when it was all FINALLY over, i sat in my car for a minute. i felt so.. worthless. everything i did didn't feel like enough, maybe it wasn't enough. what's the point of doing all these things if i wasn't even good at any of it? it wasn't long before tears filled my eyes. but i watched as the other kids from student council walked over to their fancy cars. and i realized the last thing i needed was for them to see me crying in car that probably should've been in a junkyard AGES ago. i didn't want to go home, my parents would only make me feel worse. i called tyler and asked if i could come over. he said yes and with that i drove over to his house in silence. my thoughts racing through my head were the only things i could hear. i will never be good enough. for anyone, for anything. what is the point in even trying?

eventually i knocked on tyler's door. to which he answered with a smile. it was a struggle for me to return one back. i didn't say anything at first, tyler was telling me about some story about him and josh. i couldn't focus though, my head was spinning. tyler noticed, he reached out and touched my shoulder lightly. "what's going on y/n?", tyler spoke softly. i tried to shrug it off, but tyler was more stubborn than i was.

"i know you're not okay, what's up?", tyler looked over at me softly. i wanted to tell him not to worry about it. my problems were stupid anyways. but i knew tyler wasn't one to let these kind of things go.

"what is the point of trying if i'll never be good enough.."

"trying to do what?"

"everything.", i let out a sigh.

"all i do is try, try, try. and yet i always fall short every single time i mean- it's exhausting.", as much as i tried to fight it tears fell from my eyes.

"i'm not good enough i-"

"y/n please.", tyler reached out and held my hand.

"you are more than amazing. you are the most hard working, driven person i know."

"you have to say that-"

"i mean it.", my cloudy eyes met tyler's brown ones.

"i think you're more than enough, you have such amazing things ahead of you. and that's all because of your dedication. i'm so proud of you.", i practically fell into tyler's arms. he rubbed my back as he spoke over my muffled sobs.

"you're so perfect to me y/n, i admire you.", those word silenced the negative thoughts pounding in my head. tyler's arms made me feel safe. i finally felt okay. i always knew tyler had a way with words thanks to his music. but this was so much better than that. i finally felt like i was enough.

“look at me y/n.”, i hesitated for a moment before i lifted my head up. this was the closest we’ve ever been, our inches only inches away from each other.

“i think you’re so lovely.”, my cheeks flushed a little bit. tyler’s compliment making my heart skip a beat.

“as long as you think so.”

[damiansgoodgirll]

angst with the judgment day please?

i wasn’t sure if i was gonna post this, i was in a really bad place (and still i am), this is very personal to me, but i honestly spent too many hours writing and crying over this, so grab a tissue and enjoy.

‼️ mention of depression, anxiety, insomnia and panic attacks

the judgment day x reader

don’t push us away

“don’t do this…” rhea begged you with tears spilling from her eyes.

“do what?” you asked, pretending to not know what she was referring to.

“don’t push us away…don’t push me away, don’t do this…please” you hated the way she and the whole judgment day were concerned for you, you hated the way you were causing them pain but you just couldn’t help feel that way.

“i don’t know what you’re talking about” you said. you never had been good with feelings, everything that happened in your life, you just pretended it never happened because you couldn’t talk about it.

your parents never really cared about you, sure they loved you and they still do but they never really understood you and they never will. your friends, no matter how amazing they were, they just couldn’t understand what you went through and it didn’t care how many times you tried to tell them, they really didn’t care.

so you ended up alone, alone with yourself, with your thoughts. alone, drowning in your own tears.

alone, with your mind. the same mind that always blamed you for everything that happened, even if it wasn’t really your fault.

then, growing up, the people you called friends, started ignoring you and leaving you behind, only reaching out to you when you achieved the success they couldn’t have.

and in those years, you learnt how to never count on other people.

something changed when you joined the judgment day. you saw how close they were and you thought you would just ruin their friendship, because in that moment you were like a stranger, an outsider. but they all made you feel welcomed and you couldn’t be more grateful for.

you tried to hide your depression, the panic attacks you got when you were all touring together, the anxiety eating you alive and the amount of sleepless nights you’ve spent. you always said you were okay and they all believed it, at first.

but then, rhea and the rest of the team noticed something shifting in you. the way you were tired all the time, the way you never wanted to talk to anyone, the way your text messages were only like “okay” “yes” “no”, the way you almost didn’t care about anything at all, like you were thoughtless.

in reality you were just dying inside but you didn’t want people to see that, you couldn’t handle the disappointment they would have in you.

“you keep pushing me, us away and we don’t know what to do to help you…let us help you, please sweetheart” rhea said, her face covered with tears while you were trying to hold back yours.

“i don’t need your help rhea, i’m fine” you stated.

“but you’re not” damian stood up from his chair “you’re not fine and we can see it, we would really like to help you”

“i know it’s hard but-…” dominik started talking.

“you know shit dom! stop fucking talking! i’m fine and i don’t need anybody’s help, why can’t you fucking let it go?” you ended up screaming.

of course you weren’t fine. but you definitely weren’t going to talk to them about what was making upset.

they were taken back from your behaviour. you were the calm type, never screaming and always composed.

“just talk to us…” finn spoke quietly. he immediately felt a wave of protection from the first time he met you. maybe it was because you were the youngest member of the group, and he almost felt like a father toward you so it was killing him seeing you like that.

“i’d rather go home, thanks” you said sarcastically.

they knew you were in pain, they just didn’t know what to do.

“we care about you…” finn almost begged you.

“no you don’t! don’t pretend you do cause no one ever did care about me! i don’t need you to pity me…i just, i don’t need you” you said. you really didn’t mean it in that way, but you have trusted so many people in your life and they always ended up with breaking your trust in and you didn’t want to make that mistake again.

but you were so close to break down and you didn’t want to do it in front of them.

“we’re not pitying you…we are your friends and we are worried, please” finn looked at you and you knew you couldn’t lie to him.

a few tears fell from your eyes but you were quick to wipe them away.

“let us in…” finn grabbed your hand.

“why? so you could use everything i have to say against me when you’ll be mad?”

“we will never do that y/n…” rhea spoke.

“everybody said so..then i ended up fucking alone” you said.

“we’re not everybody, we are your friends, we are your family…we care about you more than you could ever imagine…” damian said, helping you sit down on the small leather couch.

“i’m not good with this…talking about feelings and traumas and stuff…i’m not good and no one really cared so why should i start now?” you whispered.

“because whatever you’re going through, we are here for you…” rhea said kneeling in front of you.

you thought for a moment. you felt like you were going to explode at any minute and you needed to get everything off of your chest. you just didn’t know how, because every time you talked about something personal you always ended up joking about it, knowing it would make it less awkward for you.

“it started everything when i was a teen, around fourteen…you had no idea how hard was growing up knowing that you were invisible, knowing that no one cared about you. knowing that you had your five or six friends but also knowing that they wouldn’t really care about you…it’s been hard, still it is…i’ve always been there for every single one of them, always and when i needed them the most they just left…” you began explaining and the team listened carefully “so i started counting on myself and myself only but then it became tiring…knowing that i was fucking alone all the single time, i couldn’t handle it…i just i couldn’t…so i tried to make it stop, but it definitely didn’t work since i’m still here…” you joked, even if you knew it wasn’t the best time to joke about it “anyway i’ve spent so many sleepless nights wishing i could sleep forever and never wake up again…and the days and years i’ve spent hurting myself, thinking it could change something, i just hurt myself even more…and then things happened, things that i didn’t want to happen, situations where i couldn’t say no even if i wanted…and i’ve spent so many years blaming me and i still do…with the years going by everything became too much…my therapist told me to talk about it with someone i really cared, and when i tried, those people went to ignore me…i just, i made it so good all alone and but the same time i just fucking hate being alone all the time!” you ended up crying in damian’s arms. you didn’t even realise how curled up close to his body you were.

his hands were gently stroking your back, almost in a reassuring way.

your confession shocked them but they knew you needed them and they didn’t want to leave you alone.

“i’m so sorry you’ve been into all of those things y/n…i can’t imagine how painful it must have been, i wish i could have helped you before…” finn wiped his tears away and grabbed your hands.

“thank you for telling us…i know it’s hard but we’re gonna help you healing…we’re here for you sweetheart…and we’re glad you opened up with us, we’re gonna be with you, anytime you need us, if you want to talk or if you just want to watch a movie or stay in silent all night, we’re gonna be there, i promise you, you don’t have to do this alone” rhea hugged you and you ended up crying in her arms.

“thank you…” you whispered.

they all agreed with rhea, letting you know that maybe for the first in your life, you didn’t have to go through all of the pain alone.

[evilhagspage]

I love you, too.

Sam Winchester x fem!reader

warnings: allusions to sex, a few swears, she/her pronouns, use of y/n, written in first person

A/N: hey y'all! here is another little Sam scenario rattling around my old noggin. this takes place around season 6, after the whole soul shtuff. enjoy!

I'm standing in the dark kitchen at Bobby's house, pouring myself a bowl of cereal. I couldn't sleep, which is pretty par for the course these days, but especially since Sam woke up.

Sam and I have a complicated history. Dean and I have always been close, but me and Sam have always been...different. Long, stolen glances, sharing beds in shitty motels, staying up for hours just talking. Sam has always been my best, best friend. And truthfully, I have always been in love with him.

In between the sweet times have been some really, really difficult times. Times where Sam has completely shut me out, like when he went to college. Times when he was addicted to demon blood and SLEEPING with a literal demon while his brother was in Hell. After she betrayed him, he spent a while in Hell himself after allowing Lucifer to possess him. And, most recently, when he was traipsing around sans soul, hooking up with anything that had a pulse.

That is, until Dean struck a deal with Death, in which he returned Sam's soul. When he did this, Death constructed a wall in Sam's mind to keep him from remembering his time in Hell. This was a very strenuous process, which left Sam unconscious for quite a while. Until he woke up in Bobby's basement with no memory of the past year.

I jump and spin around at the sound of feet creeping up behind me, ripping me from my thoughts.

"Woah, it's just me...sorry," Sam says with his hands lifted up in a "please don't hurt me" gesture, a smirk on his face.

"Jesus, you scared me," I breathe out, clutching my chest as I heave from the scare. An awkward moment passes between us. A moment full of unanswered questions, unsaid truths. Sam clears his throat as he moves towards the sink, grabbing himself a glass of water. I stand leaning against the counter, silently munching on my midnight snack and stealing glances at him.

"So, uh, what are you doing up?" he asks.

"Couldn't sleep. You?"

"Yeah, me neither."

Another beat of silence passes.

"Y/N...I'm so sorry," he says almost breathless. I turn to him, a somber look on my face. "Sam..." I whisper.

"No, no, please. I mean it. I am so, so sorry. The way I treated you? The shit I put you through? You deserve to, to beat me to a pulp, you deserve to scream and berate me. But you're still here. You're still here, Y/N. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I know that. So I just need you to hear me say I am so, so sorry."

As I take in his words, I will myself to not cry. I can't ignore the squeezing in my chest, the ache of the past betrayal I felt from him. Even still, hope soars through my heart at his apology.

"Sam...I can't deny that you hurt me. You broke my heart," I begin, taking a shuddering breath before braving eye contact. He's looking towards the ground, nodding his head in agreement. "But, for some reason, I can't seem to shake you. Call it self destruction, call is stupidity, I don't know. But I do know that I love you. I love you in a different way than your brother. I always have. I know that you feel it. You're too smart not to," I finish with a chuckle, Sam hanging onto my every word like a believer listening to a revered reverand recite the holy scriptures.

"Y/N..." Sam breathes, stepping closer to me. "I-I love you too," He smiles, stuttering like a nervous school boy. I almost chuckle out loud, a swell of pride rising through me at the thought that I reduced the gentle giant to a flushed mess.

This kiss is a world of different from the first. We're hungry, chasing each other's mouth and running our hands up and down the other person's body. It's frenzied, selfishly taking what we want from each other to make up for lost time. Years of pining, years of stolen glances and lingering touches, of midnight conversations that last until dawn, years of dancing around the truth.

"Sam..." I sober up as he crowds me against the counter, his hand coming up to brush a lock of hair behind my ear.

"Can I show you? Can I show you how sorry I am?" he asked in a sincere, husky voice.

"Please," I all but beg. I run my hands up his strong arms and tilt my head up to his, before his warm, soft lips press against mine. The kiss is soft, chaste, and full of love. He pulls back for a moment, locking eyes with me before grabbing my face in his hands and kissing me with all of his might.

He hoists me up onto the counter, fitting himself between my legs. I run my hands through his hair, making him groan into my mouth. Oh, I am so remembering that for later, I think to myself. When we finally pull apart, he rests his forehead against mine and we both gasp for air.

"So, uh, is it safe to assume you forgive me?" he asks cheekily.

"Mmm, I don't know baby. I think you still have some grovelling to do," I reply mischeviously, biting my bottom lip and looking up at him. Sam's eyes grow dark, before he scoops me off of the counter and carries me up the stairs.

***

The next morning, Sam and Dean are sitting at the the kitchen table, already having newspapers and books strewn about, researching a new case. I make my way down the stairs, still in my pajamas and blissfully unaware of the state of my hair. Sam looks up and stifles a laugh, while Dean gives me a low whistle.

"Did you rest well, Sleeping Beauty?" he teases.

"Actually, no. I didn't get much sleep at all," I reply honestly with another yawn, while Sam fails to hide a (cocky) knowing smile. I fix myself a cup of coffee, before walking up behind Sam, running my hand through his hair at the nape of his neck. "Ugh, it's too early for that gnarly shit, baby," I grimace, looking over his shoulder at the crime scene photos he had pulled up on his computer. I sit down next to him and stretch my legs out across his lap, beginning to rifle through the newspapers on the table.

A few beats pass before we notice Dean has been staring at us with one of those sassy, blank glances, complete with a set jaw and furrowed brows. "We gonna talk about it or am I just supposed to pretend I didn't see that?"

Sam looks up, a confused look on his face and replies, "What do you mean?"

Dean scoffs. "I mean that whole domestic PDA shit. Yesterday y'all were hardly speaking to each other."

"What? We made up," I shrug non comittally.

Dean quizically looks between us and our complete non-chalant attitude before stuttering out, "So, so what...does this mean you guys are...like...together?? or something??"

"Yeah, Dean. We are, like, 'together'. This is seeming like a difficult concept for you to understand for some reason. We love each other, and like I said, we made up," I finish, smiling slightly as I tease Dean mercilessly.

Sam laughs as Dean gives me a look that says 'what the hell did she say to me?' before Bobby's voice echoes through the kitchen.

"The next time y'all decide to 'make up' mind giving me a heads up so I can use my industrial strength ear plugs? I'm scarred for damn life."

Sam's face flushes to his ears and Dean bursts out laughing before extending his hand to me. I match his giggles as I dap him up, before soothingly rubbing Sam's shoulder. Bobby shakes his head as pulls a beer out of the fridge and removes himself from the situation.

"Sorry, baby," I coo before laying a sweet kiss on his cheek, doing nothing to tame the blush on his cheeks.

"Who knew you were such a dog, Sammy!" Dean cackles at his embarrassed face as he moves back to his book.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not wanting my partner to spend the holidays with his family?

So trigger warning for death/grief. I'm not sure if this is extremely straightforward in who is in the wrong here, it at least doesn't feel obvious to me.

My (24NB) mother (55F) passed away last week. She had struggled previously with cancer and liver failure but was seemingly doing well until a blood infection caused her to be hospitalized. She was expected to recover, but passed rather suddenly after a week in hospital.

She and I were incredibly close. We talked on the phone most days. The passing has been very difficult for me. Especially with it being so close to Christmas, I'm dreading the holidays. My mom was always the one who made Christmas special for my family.

Now, my partner (23M) loves Christmas and comes from a big family that is very close-knit. We've been together for a little over a year, and currently live together. Neither of us drive, but most of his family live 45 minutes from us. This makes visiting with them difficult as we're dependent on who can drive us and that usually means we have to stay much longer than we would with my family. As a result, he spent Thanksgiving with my family (Canadian Thanksgiving happening prior to my mom passing). This caused a total meltdown from his family, who saw this as me asking him to disrespect them. He ended up having to lie about being sick and missing both Thanksgivings.

Now that Christmas is approaching, I had already asked that we spend Christmas morning with my family if his family planned on being out of town just for ease. He agreed that would be easier, and the following year we could go with his family. This of course changed when my mom passed. Instead, my family planned on having a quiet Christmas together. I expected that he would still attend, especially since I'm expecting it to be hard on me.

His cousin (30sF) phoned the other day. They first talked about the hospital my mom passed in and how they had lost some of my moms belongings (the cousin works at the hospital and wanted to help us). I listened in to provide additional info for him to relay. At the end of that conversation, she brought up Christmas and said the plan was for herself and a few others to spend the entirety of Christmas Eve out of town with his family, and then leave Christmas morning following presents. He didn't argue, just gave a vague response along the lines of 'we'll see' which led to his cousin telling him it would be 'very unfair' of me to prevent him from spending Christmas with his family because I see him all the time and "it's only 24 hours". At the end, she added a quick "Your mom would really appreciate it!" Which hurt my feelings to hear, but I knew it wasn't intended that way.

The whole talk made me really upset, and I had to excuse myself to cry. After talking it through with a close friend, they suggested I bring it up to my partner just so he could understand that its difficult for me to think about Christmas for the time being. I did exactly that, and my partner got very upset with me. He told me that his cousin didn't intend it that way. He also told me that it was unfair that I already expected him to spend Christmas with my family, and that I was 'forcing' him to be a part of my family and taking him from his own.

It was never my intention to make him feel as though he couldn't spend time with his family, and I don't think I've ever said anything like that but I don't know how my words and actions have come across. I want him around for support during this first year without my mom, but I don't want him to feel that I'm forcing him into missing his own holidays. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[kitty--white]

@tolkienocweek Day 6 - Some cute kids in the background of The Hobbit fix-it AU

'I will come back', promised Alba before leaving. Again.

'You've said that already', scowled Gary.

'And I came back, right?' She squatted down to look in his eyes directly. 'Don't I always do what I promised?'

'Always', mumbled Gary and gripped sister's hand. Yola was silent and he was feeling that she's trying to not burst into tears.

'Maybe, you should stay', offered Thorin.

'Maybe you should shut up', snapped out Alba. 'I won't left you there without healer'.

'But you've defeated the dragon, right?' Asked Yola shyly.

'Yes. And a lot of people will know about it very soon. And some of them might want to get unattended gold. A big battle is about to start. I have to protect my friends and our town. And aunt Wiga will look after you.'

They promised to be sane and listen aunt Wiga, who was so old that she was forgetting everything and falling asleep in the middle of a talk, so, it was more like they were looking after her. The next day they spent by the window, looking at men of Lake Town walking past aunt's house armed with what they could find. At night Yola cried anyway and Gary had to calm her down.

'Everything could be much worse', said he. 'Alba said that Smaug was going to burn all of us and the whole town.'

Yola stopped crying and started to hiccup of fear.

'I mean... if they defeated even him then we have nothing to worry about!' It sounded a bit falsely, after all Smaug was alone and now the whole army of orcs is going to attack Erebor.

'What if she won't return?' Yola sniffed. 'Like dad, and uncle, and Bren.'

'She promised to return, you've heard, right?'

'But sometimes you just can't do what you promised.'

Gary shaked his head.

'No. Not she. Not Alba. She can everything and she always does what she promised. And she loves us. Do you remember what she said - that we're her?'

Alba said that not to them, and didn't even know they were listening, but that means it was truth for sure, right?

One evening, four or five days after Alba, Thorin and their friends' second departure to Erebor, Yola went up to Gary, hugged him tightly and whispered: 'I won't leave you. If we'll stay alone I'll take care of you'.

Gary swallowed a lump in his throat, hugged sister back and said: 'No. I will take care of you. I'm older.'

'For six minutes!'

'No matter! I'll take care of you.'

'Maybe... maybe, let's take care of each other? Together?'

'Yes. Yes, I like it. Hey, you know what?'

'What?'

'I'm lucky to have such a smart sister.'

The next morning he woke Yola up by loud scream: 'They're back! They're alive!'

'They' included Alba, Thorin, Mr. Baggins and giant eagle who looked not very happy to be in this exact place and this exact time. All four settled down in the courtyard, dusted with the first snow that had fallen overnight. With indistinct but happy screams Gary and Yola ran to Alba and were hugged by her right hand. Instead of the left one she had en empty sleeve knotted near the elbow.

'What's with your hand?' Yola rounded her eyes.

Alba waved aside: 'I was fighting with a huge evil orc. He cut off my hand, but while I was talking his teeth out, Thorin came in time and killed him.'

'Cool!' the twins exhaled in unison.

'See?' Alba elbowed Thorin in the side, which made him wince - bandages on his chest were visible from under the cloack. 'You're the only one who's mad because of my hand.'

'I think, he's not the only one', said Mr. Baggins rubbing his bandaged head.

'Yeah. When my mother will learn that I lost hand and almost died, she'll kill me, then you,' she elbowed Thorin again, 'then Gandalf, and then, probably, me one more time. But you know what? Before dealing with this I'm going to sleep for forty eight hours. At least.'

With those words Alba walked to the house, carelessly waving her empty sleeve.

'Don't worry,' said Yola. 'She won't let anybody kill you.'

Thorin laughed: 'Yeah, I've already understood it yesterday'.

[andsour]

₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎ ... only friend

characters : mackenzie "kenzie" noh , mark lee

warnings : none i think! it's not necessarily angst , but lmk if there's something i should add

notes : this takes place in summer of 2017! it's more like a prologue. named after the song "only friend" by wallows <3

words : 881

“hey, remember the first week you got here—”

“oh god,”

“when— when we—” mark struggles to speak, cut off by his own obnoxious laughter. “and then you started crying—”

“not funny! you guys told me there was a ghost in the practice room and then left me alone in there!” kenzie defends her only somewhat younger self. it was two years ago, but the memory is fresh in her mind.

“okay, but dude, it was necessary,” he snickers, and technically, he’s right. would she have come out of the shell of shyness and nerves she’d formed around herself with time? probably. but scaring her out of it worked well enough, in the end. “i mean, look at us now.”

“i should’ve gotten you back,” she pouts, but it melts into a smile.

the chains make this horrible screeching sound as she digs her shoe into the mulch below her, twisting herself a little in the swing. they’re at this playground, deserted due to the late hour, that’s just a five–minute walk away from the sm trainee dorms.

this is something they used to do all the time— sneak out of their respective dorms when everyone else was asleep, walk to a nearby convenience store and buy soda and snacks, then come back here to hang out and talk all night. after mark debuted, it became their primary way of seeing each other, albeit much less often.

“you’ll never get to now, though,” he doesn’t mean for it to come out sounding as sad as it does, clearing his throat afterwards.

“yeah…” she mumbles, looking down at her half–eaten cup of instant noodles, poking around at it with the wooden convenience store chopsticks.

she really, really wanted things to work out as sm. after all, this had been her dream. she dropped her whole life— her family, all her friends, school, competitive dance— and came all the way to seoul just to train here. she thought she had it all figured out, so close to her goals she could taste them. then she went on tv and those netizens said all those terrible things, and the boys all debuted and herin left, and she felt so alone all of a sudden. her goals had started to taste bitter, rotten.

after a long discussion with her parents, they agreed to let her stay in korea with her aunt and uncle full–time so she can continue going to hanlim and hopefully try again somewhere else, so it’s not like it’s completely over. just an end of an era.

still, these past two years have been the best of kenzie’s life. she’s learned so much, made so many meaningful connections. she may have hated being crammed into a tiny dorm with all the other girls and having no privacy, but she’d still shed a few tears with them when she officially moved out a couple days ago. she’s always going to have a soft spot for the time she spent here.

“it’s gonna be really weird. it already is. like, i can’t just go downstairs and talk to you anymore,” mark says, his hoodie pulled up over his head and black face mask tucked under his chin. he’s not quite swinging, just rocking back and forth. “what am i gonna do without you?”

“i think you’ll live,” she scrunches her nose. “you still have your whole group, all our friends.”

mark shakes his head, a soft smile pulling at his lips. “nah, it’s different,” he pauses, looking over at her. “you’re my person, y’know?”

a familiar warmth floods kenzie’s chest at the words, flowing right from where her heart is.

she guesses now, more than ever, would be the right time to finally get this off of her chest. after tonight, mark’s going to be even busier with his career and kenzie’s technically going back to being a normal teenager. he’ll travel the world, meet all types of girls, all prettier and more interesting than she is. who knows if they’ll ever even see each other again.

but then she thinks again.

she shouldn’t risk ruining the night. and it’s not that even that big a deal, really. he’s just one boy out of millions in the world, crushes come and go faster than the winds change. even quicker than the speed of light. surely, she’ll sooner feel nothing but friendship for mark lee before the world ends.

“so, what now?” mark inquires. “any ideas where you’re gonna go?”

kenzie tilts her head at the question. she actually hasn’t given that much thought. “i dunno. i think i’m just gonna focus on school and dance for right now, then probably start auditioning later. or maybe i’ll go back home and become a professional clerk at whole foods.” she says sardonically, shrugging, and mark chuckles.

“and i’ll come buy frozen pizzas from that whole foods every time i visit— fund your career, y’know,” he promises, leaning close enough in his swing to nudge her with his elbow, and the sheer sincerity in his voice is enough to make kenzie giggle. “but for real, though. we’ll still get together and hang out and stuff. nothing’s gonna change. right?”

everything is going to change. kenzie knows this for a fact.

but tonight, absolutely nothing has to change.

“right.”

[askbensolo]

Journal Entry #49: tfw your uncle tells your gf not to date you because he thinks she could do better

I spent the better half of an hour wandering the grounds of Luke’s school, trying to find out where Fannie was so I could avoid her. Luke’s students kept on saying hi to me as they passed. Dude, I barely remember any of their names—the ones I knew from way back when, I’ve mostly forgotten, and Uncle Luke has taken on so many new students since then. But then of course everyone knows who I am—Fannie says Luke talks about his family a lot at school. I ended up handing out a whole lotta head nods and “hey bro wassup”s.

I couldn’t find Fannie—although I did catch a glimpse of her ex, Deirak, now a newly-appointed Jedi teacher, who seemed to be holding a Saturday session with one of the Jedi kids. He caught my eye and smiled and waved, and I panicked and waved back and scurried away.

Why did he smile at me? I thought he didn’t like me. I mean, he doesn’t have a reason to like me. Fannie started hanging out with me all the time immediately after they broke up. But then, Jedi aren’t allowed to, like, not like people, huh.

…I could never be a Jedi.

Eventually, I gave up the search and headed to Luke’s office, which was where he and I had been planning to meet and catch up. And, ha—of course—as the Force would have it—well, I don’t even need to really say it, do I?

“…it’s just so hard, Luke. I love him so much. I don’t think I could even begin to tell you how much I love him.”

I stopped in my tracks, about five feet away from Luke’s office door. My heart started pounding. It was her. And then I felt the absolute weirdest cocktail of emotions—giddiness and affection because that’s my freaking wife I love the sound of her voice AHHHHH I haven’t seen her in a whole entire month!! I love her so freaking MUCH and absolute terror because we haven’t talked for four days what’s gonna happen if she sees me??? and indignant anger because wait what the frick who gave her the right to tell my uncle about all this, I haven’t even told my parents yet, she never asked my permission to tell anyone and insane delight because hold on did she just say she loves me?? and then immense sadness because oh yeah, but, she’s questioning whether she and I should even be together at all…

I slumped against the stone wall and tried to catch my breath. She sounded all stuffy, like she’d been crying.

“I love him, Luke. Ever since I first saw him, and so much more as I’ve gotten to know him, and…this feels like the only thing I truly want. I have learned not to want. I have learned to be content in all things. But, I have always liked him, and I have never thought he would feel the same way, and now that he does, I can’t—can’t let go.”

Muffled sobs. My heart wrenched. I mean…yeah, there was all this…stuff…between us now, but…I still hated for her to hurt. And…I didn’t know she liked me so much.

I don’t think I’ve ever been the one thing someone’s wanted before. I felt this sort of…profound ache, I guess, that I never knew I had inside me. Because…yeah. I am constantly fighting the delusion that everyone hates me and wants me gone. I know better than to give these thoughts credit, but a couple times a week I find myself wondering…would it really make a difference to anyone if I disappeared?

So…all of a sudden, as soon as she said that, on top of everything else—I wanted so badly for someone to want me half as much as she said she did. To be so important to someone as to be the one thing they wanted out of life…? Damn.

Snoke had made me feel that way—well, not exactly that way—but something a little like it. I had been special to him. Until I disproved my usefulness, I guess.

My uncle’s gentle voice from the other room broke through my thoughts.

“Fannie,” Luke was saying, in that warm, measured tone of his. “You are very wise, and I am very proud of you. You have learned the way of the Jedi. You have learned to know yourself. To know your desires. To recognize the needs they reflect. I find it so completely natural that you would have feelings for Ben. He’s a sweet kid, and reminds me so much of his dad. And I know the two of you have shared a special friendship. I think you’ve meant a lot to him. You’ve been able to connect with him more than any of your other classmates have. I know he means a lot to you. But, I also think you know what is right. He’s not a Jedi, Fannie. And he is not in touch with the Force.”

I chewed on my lip and slowly slid down the wall until I was sitting on the stone floor. I tried to make sense of Luke’s words. Yeah, I wasn’t a Jedi. And neither was Mom. Was that how Luke felt about us? How he felt about me? That just because we weren’t like him, we were doing something wrong? That there was something wrong with me?

Snoke’s words echoed in my mind. If you ever strayed from your uncle’s narrow view of the light…

“If you choose to bond yourself to him, Fannie, it would be a difficult road,” Luke was telling her. “Permit me a farmer’s analogy: a team of banthas cannot travel far, if they are each headed in different directions. You might pull him one way, true. He might also end up pulling you astray.”

Astray? It wasn’t like I was a Sith Lord. I was just…you know…a guy.

“But…suppose I were able to teach him, Luke. Suppose that, by loving him, I could show him the light…”

“Hm. The Force may choose to work in such a way. But…I suspect it would do so as a mercy, rather than as a rule. Would you want to bank on that, Fannie? And would you want him to become a Jedi, not of his own will, but for your sake?”

She was quiet for a moment. And then:

“…Master Luke…do you think it…possible…that Ben might choose to seek the Force on his own?”

“Do you?”

“Well…I do think it’s possible...”

“As do I,” Luke agreed. “All things are possible, Fannie. You know I believe that. I believed that about my father, and I believe that about your father. How much more, therefore, do I believe it for Ben. But…whether Ben chooses to center his life around the light is really up to him. You can’t make him. And I can’t make him. And even the Force itself cannot make him. He must choose. And you must choose.”

My knees started bouncing rapidly in that nervous way my mom always hated.

“So…what will you choose, Fannie? Will you choose to serve the light side of the Force, above all? Or will you choose to serve your desire? Even a good desire?”

A full minute, spent in silence. That was so Fannie. I would have chuckled—if I wasn’t currently being driven insane.

“…I am a Jedi,” I heard Fannie say finally. “So…the answer is clear. Albeit painful.”

My stomach plummeted.

The shuffle of robes. I think Luke was hugging her. As if to reward her for driving a stake through my gut.

“Your desires are not wrong, Fannie,” my uncle told her. “I know you love him and care for him. Your love for him is a beautiful thing. Your desire to love and be loved is a beautiful thing, and a right thing. But where will you choose to meet your good desires? How will you choose? By whatever is easiest? Whatever is fastest? By wherever you feel the strongest pull?”

“…By wisdom, Master Luke.”

“Yes. By wisdom.”

“For this is the way of the Jedi.”

“Yes. This is the way of the light.”

My eyes darted back and forth between all the little cracks in the floor as I tried to wrap my head around all this. Fannie…

Why…

…I didn’t understand.

I felt kind of nauseous and the back of my neck prickled up with sweat and my pinky toes started to hurt.

And suddenly I felt this…intense…rage…come upon me. Because…who would choose this? Who would choose to serve a power that required you to give up the things you wanted most? Snoke had tried for years to control me…to take everything I had…only for it to turn out that the light side of the Force was exactly the same.

My throat tightened up. If there had been any curiosity for the Force left in me at that moment, it died.

And then my anger turned toward my uncle, and his narrow-minded beliefs, and his stupid Jedi cult.

I blinked back tears. My ears felt all hot. And I began to hear them again…more clearly this time…those voices that called for me and crooned my name.

I stood up—maybe a little too fast—my head spun—but it was already spinning anyway. And then, I decided—

…Well. Wait. Before I go on.

What do you think I should have done?

[nobedofroses]

December 20th

pairing: Pero Tovar x reader

warnings: angst then fluff!

words: 994

a/n: more of Pero set in the vague past, lots of tears lol. Candle light/oblivious idiots/tears prompt from @toomanystoriessolittletime's winter writing challenge ❄️

more Pero, Full List

🌨️🌨️🌨️

When you found out Pero was leaving, you spent the whole rest of the day in your room, burying your face in your thick woolen blankets and crying. You couldn’t imagine life without him in your tiny little village tucked into the mountains. For the past six months, he had been boarding at your brother’s farm where you lived, helping with the planting and the harvest. And for the past six months, despite your best intentions, you had been falling in love with him. But now he was leaving. 

Your sister-in-law, Jane, came in the room to make sure you were alright to come to supper, and sat up to see her. You had finished crying a while before, but at the sight of her sympathetic face, you lost it all over again. 

“Oh, honey,” Jane said as she sat by your side, pulling you into a hug. 

“I just— I didn’t think he would leave! I thought— I thought he would stay and— and we could— we could…” you trailed off, not wanting to voice your hopes and dreams for him and you. 

“I know, sweetie,” Jane murmured, rubbing up and down your back. After a minute she pulled back and looked you in the eye, “Do you maybe want to talk to him? Tell him how you—?”

“I can’t! What’s the point? He’s leaving and he’d reject me either way. He wouldn’t be leaving if he felt the same way, because I would– never— leave— him!” you burst into another fit of sobs and crumpled against Jane again. 

Jane sighed and just soothed you, wondering how on earth she’d be able to get both you and Pero to admit your feelings to each other. 

___

The next day you saw Pero for the first time since his announcement. You ducked your head, hoping he wouldn’t notice your puffy and bloodshot eyes and also that you wouldn’t cry again. 

“Did Jane tell you she and your brother will be gone until late this night?” Pero asked you, voice quiet and gruff. 

You nodded, “Yes, the market. I, um, I can make supper for just the two of us tonight.” 

The thought of what supper for just the two of you would mean in a different context sent a stab through your heart and you stood up quickly from the table, making quick excuses and hurrying back to your room, too quick to hear the soft entreaty of “querida” that followed you. 

___

Hours later, you served Pero and yourself supper, eating by candlelight instead of gas lamps since it was just the two of you and you didn’t need it as bright. 

The meal was awkward, almost completely silent. Anytime Pero tried to ask you a question, you answered with just one word, not trusting yourself to say more without bursting into tears. 

You made it through almost the entire meal without looking at him. Even less so when you realized that every time you did look at him, he was looking at you. 

Afterwards, you went to the water basin to start washing the dishes. Pero came over to help dry, a sweet gesture that made your chest ache. 

Minutes of more silence went by before Pero finally said, “I wish you did not hate me.” 

You turned to him quickly, “I don’t hate you. I l– I don’t hate you Pero.”

“Then why do you not look at me anymore? Not talk to me in the way you always have?” he asked, searching your eyes. 

You wanted to look away, but his deep brown eyes were too compelling and you couldn’t. “I suppose I am preparing for when you leave us. You won’t be there for me to look at or talk to then.” 

“I see,” Pero said quietly, switching his attention back to the task at hand. Only when you had resigned yourself to being heartbroken forever, feeling the pinpricks of tears in your eyes, did he speak again. “Then I will have to stay.” 

“You what?” you asked him breathlessly, scrutinizing his face for even a hint of a lie or joke. 

“I will have to stay, querida. Because I cannot survive one more day— one more minute without your beautiful eyes upon me, without your gorgeous smile cast my way, without hearing all of your clever thoughts,” he told you sincerely. You couldn’t move, couldn’t blink, just trying to process what he was saying. “In all honesty, I cannot let one more second pass before I tell you that I love you.” 

“You— you what?” you asked, completely unable to believe your ears. 

“I love you, querida. And I hope against hope that you may feel even a fraction of the same,” Pero said, brushing his fingers over your cheek. 

After five seconds of heavy breathing, you exclaimed, “Oh, I do! Pero, I love you, I do!”

And then you threw yourself at him, kissing him before he even knew what you were doing. Your arms wrapped around his neck and his came to your waist, holding you tight as you lost some of your balance from kissing him so hard. 

Pero reciprocated the kiss in turn and you would’ve taken him right there on the kitchen floor had Jane and your brother not arrived. The two of you broke apart reluctantly but sheepishly and you turned back to the dishes to distract yourself. 

When you next had something to say to Pero, able to now without the knowledge of him leaving pervading every thought, you turned to him and saw something on his collar. It was water droplets and you realized that the darker part was not the design of the fabric but the water you had had on your hands when you kissed him. 

When Pero looked at you expectantly, you said, “Um, your shirt is wet.” 

Pero chuckled, eyes shining with mirth and what you thought you now recognized as love, “Yes, I know, querida.”

🌨️🌨️🌨️

[matcha-lemonade-enthusiast]

i’m going to give a comprehensive list of songs that hit way too hard for me or that i cry to, because im little lonely (only child syndrome) and have no one else to tell 😁.

Liability by Lorde

i so vividly remember listening to this song for the first time, and it was like someone put how i felt every single fucking day into a song. i just felt like a huge burden to everyone and everything. especially since i had to whole sad clown thing going on (being the life of the party and silly until i had to be apart from anything that happily distracted me). so many nights were spent laying on the ground and staring at the ceiling, or sobbing in a dark closet to that song. thanks lorde 😍! (/s)

Stay by Post Malone

by far one of the most embarrassing songs on this list 😭. sorry unfortunately i dabble in hating mainstream artists (particularly yt men). however, an old friend of mine showed me this song as one of her fave sad songs to cry to, and i was like thanks im stealing this for my playlist 😁. once again just a song that put my thoughts into words (omg i love art), and i really just needed someone to hug me and tell me everything would be okay. also strangely, it’s a great song for if you’ve had a rocky relationship with your mom or anyone you love so deeply you’d do anything for but shit happens and you both fumble the ball, so now everyone is pissed off. like post simultaneously asking someone to (hopefully figuratively)put their cigarette out on his face, but also stick around for him and love him and tell him everything is okay? yeah real.

I’m Not A Mountain by Sarah Kinsley

fully almost cried when i saw/heard this live, because Sarah almost cried. *defeated* yeah. just another lonely girl who can’t set a boundary to save her life so she runs from her problems and has a sharp tongue song. i’ve said things that i didn’t mean out of anger and so deeply regret because i caused a friendship to end. i have people i (sort of) want a relationship with that i can’t get back because i’ve learned too much and im living in the past in some ways (rightfully so imo) (yes im contradicting myself ik). but yeah sometimes i wish i was a mountain too.

Last Time We Never Meet Again by Sarah Kinsley

sarah kinsley you will always be famous.

but fr this song was simultaneously a swift kick to the gut, but also a breath of fresh air. i was fresh off of calling it quits with a guy (like a month lol), and i had a lot of firsts with him (first serious relationship, first music festival, first time traveling without family, etc) not s*x though someone else beat him to it lmao.) so basically i was ranting to my mom and friends about him and everything i didn’t like that he did, because everything around me reminded me of him and it PISSED ME OFF to no end. then this album (Escaper) dropped (thank god), and once again this song was just everything i felt. like i can’t stand you, i never want to see you again, but hope everything works out how you want it to (im not a monster guys cmon). he called me tho like last week to make small talk and then ask me questions about his personality and stuff. so then that re-pissed me off bc i deleted his number while i was drunk on vacation, and i don’t follow him on anything anymore like pls take a hint.

Casual by Chappell Roan

self-explanatory.

Magnolia by Laufey

let me preface this by being a butthole and let everyone know how cool i am, because i was into laufey before she was uber famous. like im talking tickets to her show were $30. anyways!

basically a girl strung me along, and then left me for a mid yt man 😁. this song was there for me when i was too embarrassed to tell my friends what happened. didn’t cry, but definitely gazed out of my window on a rainy day and listened to the song on repeat for an hour or two (yes this is a part of my villain origin story) (yes i know im a terrible villain fr, more sad and lazy than vengeful)

Baby by Brittany Howard

feeling like i wasn’t enough and didn’t measure up (especially romantically)

Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple

my mom actually played an old fiona apple cd for me while we packed up our house to move. this song really stuck with me bc that whole summer (‘22) was a blur. the second half of the song genuinely sent me into shock because it gave me war flashbacks of childhood trauma that i try to repress 😍. then my mom told me, she pictured me as the sullen girl during my lowest moments and i cried and we hugged.

Cellophane by FKA Twigs

self-explanatory. especially if you’ve seen anania’s tiktoks to this song (doing mundane tasks, deadpan thousand yard stare, and this song blaring). i feel the same way girl, me too. also that music video is literally stunning.

Prey by The Neighborhood

ahhh an old classic. honestly the whole Wiped Out! album is good to cry to but this is a personal favorite. sobbed for two hours then fell asleep because why not. i felt like a waste of space that couldn’t do anything right (i still feel like that sometimes). you are so right jesse rutherford i do feel like something is wrong (i have extreme anxiety, everything feels off and i will freak out at any moment) i feel like prey (i will be chastised and ostracized the moment i do something wrong, and everyone is watching, also i was unmedicated).

okay besties this was a really short little playlist and long thoughts i randomly wanted to get out. thanks for letting me be annoying and reading 😍 (i say to my 5 followers, 2 of which are bots)

[millionancientbees]

a very long list of things to be thankful for

being overly sincere is my curse but god sometimes i am just so thankful for the big and small ways people show up for me.

my friend cassidy lets me borrow their car--sometimes for weeks at a time--while they're out of town, even though I literally just hit the one year anniversary of having my license this week. it blows me away literally every time and is so incredibly kind because it means i don't have to carefully plan around my roommates to do the things i want and need to do, which always makes me feel very frustrated and trapped because i'm 29 and have never been able to just....get in the car and go without having to check with other people first. but i get to do that with their car, and it refills my tolerance and makes me feel hopeful and free. they also bought me pirate bugs to help me deal with my thrip infestation and they offered to help me replace any plants i had to get rid of, even though they were the one who gifted all of them to me in the first place and taught me how to take care of them and to trust myself to keep something alive.

my friend chris spent like six months driving 40 minutes to my house, giving me several hours of driving training, and then driving home. sometimes several times a week. they're a paramedic and have a very busy life and they still made that time for me because they knew i needed to be able to get around. and then they drove me an hour to my hometown to make me to my test because i was too nervous to test near where we live on account of having way more experience driving where i'm from. also they just?? do things?? like they went to two different places the other day to buy me a vape. and they made me a pizza and when they didn't have toppings i wanted they just...put on their shoes and went to kroger??? and got them?? i have to prepare to go to kroger for like four days and forget half of the things i wanted. i was blown away.

my friend lavender gets me a huge bag of salted cashews every time they go to whole foods because they know i'll forget to eat enough salt and protein and get dizzy if i don't have enough easy foods. they asked chris to tighten the toilet seat when i was going to be staying there for thirteen days, knowing that i don't trust most surfaces i'm sitting on and am always afraid of shifting wrong and breaking something. they took me on the first vacation i'd been on in years and specifically planned around my size and disabilities. they always want to spend time with me and are perfectly happy to just sit and listen while i talk about random shit and they think i'm a good friend and tell me all the time despite the fact that i am very hard to get ahold of and almost never respond to things.

my sister, knowing i was going to get a haircut i couldn't really afford, messaged our hairdresser and told them she was going to pay for it and didn't even tell me. she talks to me on the phone for hours at a time several times a week and texts me memes about things i like even if she doesn't know a thing about the fandom because she knows it'll make me smile. i can call her and launch into a 45 minute full detail run down of a book i'm reading and she'll just listen and crack jokes. she understands all of my references and she knows i have to get a new toothbrush every christmas or i'll cry so she always gets me one. she drives me around my own town and points out all the cool places i'd never notice on my own and then bullies me into going to them. she takes me to the art store and will spend an hour just looking at everything with me, even though we don't need art supplies and have seen everything fifty times before.

when my childhood best friend's mom found out i was having surgery she told me to call her and let her know if i wanted anything, even taco bell delivery, and she'd get it for me. sometimes i call her and she calls me her daughter (i cry every time) and she asks about my relationships and clapped when i told her i was going back to school.

my roommate asks me if i want to go with him every time he goes to the craft store because he knows i like to touch all the fabric and ogle all of the goods.

i posted a catty, passive-aggressive status the other day and when my friend found out what it was about she asked if in the future i should call her and get it out of my system or practice what i want to say to the person instead. and i was unrepentant and said sometimes i want to be mean and i meant what i said but that i was thankful that she cares about me growing as a person and living my own values and that even if i wasn't sorry this time she was right to say what she did and she said "of course, i know you'll always listen to me. I know you." she calls me while she's working on the farm and laughs with me. she once gave me a bag full of strawberry starters that were on their last legs and said "I want to see you happy" and even though the plants didn't survive I will never forget that gesture.

lake brings me food when they eat because they know i won't eat if someone doesn't remind me. they take care of my cats when i can't make it down the stairs and they watch the silly shows i want to watch just because i rarely express interest in things like that. they read my favourite book series just to be able to understand why i cared about it so much. they make me use an ice pack when i would never do so on my own and they spent two years driving me everywhere i needed to go before i got my license.

when their gramma was still alive and needed another caretaker, their mom said "I can't think of anyone I'd rather have taking care of her than Cheyenne" and she used to sit out on the porch and smoke cigarettes with me. she invited me over for the first mother's day without my mom and fed me dinner.

anderson notices when i stop responding in the group chat for more than a few days and always messages me to ask if i'm okay. they let me lead them through barnes and noble and point at all of the books i'd read and say what i liked or hated about them and watched dungeon meshi with me and cuddled me just because.

i have new friends who remind me to do my pt and care about me and send me memes and art they think i'll like. they stay up late talking about books and games with me and have helped me get two incredibly important things to manage my disabilities that i would not have been able to afford on my own.

everyone is so nice to me and i do not know what i do to deserve it. but i am very thankful and i am very known.

[liu-anhuaming]

so i ended up sending that letter detailing all of my grievances dating back to high school to my parents yesterday morning, and as of now (36 hours since sending the email) i've heard absolutely nothing in response

i'm putting the rest under the cut in case y'all don't wanna see me spilling my guts about my bad relationship with my mom and possible abuse?

after a lot of thinking this past week, i realized that the idea of never speaking to my mom every again makes me feel giddy. my therapist was saying i shouldn't rush into this, but i don't think i am? this week isn't even the first time i've thought of going no-contact with my mom, but it's the first time it's been this close to becoming a reality. the thought has gone through my mind multiple times over the past year or so, but i always brushed it off as something that wasn't likely to happen

after weighing all the pros and cons, it just feels like the right thing to do, but i don't know how i should tell her, and i'm afraid of how she'll react

i'm also suddenly full of self-doubt, and a feeling that as bad as my mom was to me, she and my dad were still good parents and provided for me while i was growing up, and after everything they've done wanting to go no-contact makes me selfish and ungrateful, and all sorts of other negative thoughts. a lot of the guild and doubt i'm feeling is definitely me hearing my mom's voice in my head, and i'm trying to push it away

i told my brother i was thinking of doing this, and he said that while it's sad it's come to this, he supports my decision and has my back no matter what i decide. that's definitely helped me pull away from my self-doubt

I was also talking about this all with my coworker (we've spent a lot of time bonding over our terrible mothers), and she used the word "abuse" to describe how my mom treated me. that gave me major pause, bc i've never thought of my mother as abusive. in my mind, she's a terrible person but not abusive. but then today i was doing some googling, and it turns out a lot of the stuff she did can be classed as emotional abuse, so. yeah. that's a lot to process

but no matter what, my relationship with my mom is fucked. the idea of talking to her on the phone is horrifying, and the thought of visiting home fills me with dread and anxiety. whenever i'm home, i feel like i'm walking on eggshells, bc any slip-up means starting a fight with my mom. i absolutely don't feel comfortable sharing anything with her about my mental health or my feelings (bc she's always trivializing them), so when we do talk once a week i'm basically just telling her how my work week was and what the weather's like where i live. that's barely even a relationship

and when i think about the possibility of her changing and becoming a better person, i just don't care? like it's great if she actually internalizes what i'm saying in my letter, but for me it's too little too late. i've already spent the past decade trying to get through to her, and she never listened, so now i just feel done with it all

idk, but if i still don't hear from my parents by tomorrow afternoon, i'll be breaking the silence myself and calling them. bc i am not trying to have a major fight with my mother on a weekday night, where i'll probably spend a bunch of time crying, and then i'll have to go to work the next morning feeling like ass. the advantage of doing it on a sunday morning is that i have the whole rest of the day to feel like shit

[skittlesmcgee]

Today I made my wax lady cry. Not tear up. Full on cry. I didn't mean it and it was a good thing.

For the last eight months, this very nice lady, about my age, has been carefully taking the hair off my underarms and snatch every eight weeks. Today, she asked if I had seen her emails. I told her that I didn't think I got emails from here, just text messages. So told me that she's closing her business. She explained that there were some things she needed done but the landlord just wasn't doing them. She's looked around for other locations and just can't find anything in her price range. So she was thinking about closing the spa. Then her son explained that he was moving from Arizona to Dallas and she should come down to Dallas. She could live with him until she figured stuff out. And that's what she's doing. My response, "I am so happy for you! I am so glad you are doing what's right for you!"

First, I think a lot of her clients' first response is "Who's gonna do my <insert thing here>??" And I get it. I don't want to find another wax lady. (For the record, I already have an appointment scheduled. LOL) But this lady is starting over in a new city and she told me she was a little nervous about it. So I told her my story. I told her how I did exactly this two years ago. How it was the hardest, scariest, best thing I ever did. We spent the whole time that she's doing her thing talking about it. How she's never lived anywhere else (same). How she really hasn't traveled that much (same). How, even though she has her son, she's moving to a brand new place without an established support structure (same...not my son but my friends).

She talked about how she only really figured out the first step...move to Dallas. She hadn't figured anything else out. I told her that I had used that same move on my last two vacations. I had a short list of things that I wanted to see, but had plenty of time to find cool stuff along the way. You only need those one or two stops. The universe will show you the rest.

After I got dressed and went out to the lobby, she was sitting at her desk looking a little teary. She told me that she only has the first step figured out. I straight up told her, "You only need to figure out that first step. You've already tackled the biggest hurdle. You decided. Now you're gonna take the step. And if you aren't ready for the next one right away, it's okay. If it takes three hours or three days or three years before you're ready for the next step, it's okay. The universe or God or whatever, will sit with you while you figure it out." She was absolutely in tears. Then I said, "Imma hug you and I don't care what else happens today." And I held that woman while she sobbed. I told her I was proud of her and that I loved her.

When they say, "One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will become someone else's survival guide", they aren't necessarily talking about writing a book. They are talking about telling your story to the people you encounter in your life. Share your tale, because you aren't just an abstraction, a nameless faceless author that can be written off as heroic or epic. You are a person in their sphere. A real live, walking, talking human...in my case, a pair of underarms and a snatch. I'm going think about that lady for a long time. I'm gonna send good thoughts and vibes her direction as she starts live in a whole new place.

I made my wax lady cry today. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

[meet-at-tycho]

OKAY MORE I CANT HELP IT...

you better believe i show them off, too. like no ones business im always LOOK. AT WHAT MY FRIEND DID... look, im so proud of them 😽😽 i really am like WOW!!! idk im enamored anything they do is the best thing in the world to me. whats that about rose tinted glasses? thats how it is SORRYYYY cant help it you are perfect to me and i love you like. IM ENTHRALLLED theres a lot of words i could use to describe how i feel about them. hooked is a good one, absolutely CAPTIVATED, hook line and sinker baby im in heaven 🥳 im still coping cuz im still lonely but. if i flood my mind with the thought of them, itll be enough to get my thru til they come back :]

dude i remember last halloween? best halloween ever okay I . i mightve been dying of sleep deprivation but i got correctly gendered the entire fucking day AND. i had my bestie in my phone, idc if i looked rude or anything talking to her the whole fcking day? i feel so. LOST when im without them, so knowing i had her with me the entire time like. I REALLY HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME.. i wish i could relive that day over and over again, but i still have more days to experience!!! shes so creative and brilliant and fucking UNHINGED like a little rat crawling thru the walls WHATS WRONG WITH HER.... idk but i love it :] she absolutely is carrying like. prehistoric diseases i dont know how and i dont know when shes gonna dispatch them but im afraid

or like? my birthday was a good example. neither of them knew it was cuz i dont like to tell people but.. we spent the day together and it . i was genuinely so happy, its the first birthday i havent ended up crying on. like YEAH yr right you WERE the gift!!!!!!! you genuinely were im. KICKING MY FEET AND GIGGLING

i spend the so much time with him, SIR. the man that you are im. only incomprehensible growling and barking comes to mind when i think of you BUT it translates to: YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO ME!!! no hes so silly for real i genuinely cant get enough of him. i remember. even the very first time we vced like just us, it wasnt even really awkward at all!!!! felt a little unsure but I HAD SO MUCH FUN.. our chemistry.. mr whiter..... really though its. or that time we spent like 12 hours in call together. i used to feel so sad when calls ended, sad enough that id just start avoiding them cuz i didnt really know when it would happen again, SO? thats like A WHOLE ENTIRE DAY.... we spent a whole day together and it went GOOD it was so .. perfect. such a big deal to me cuz like. i dont leave my house, i dont SOCIALIZE REALLY.. so to go for so long without even getting tired?? its genuinely a really big step for me. HE DID THAT...

but.. dont just love them for how they make me feel. i love everything about them. when shit gets hard i wanna try my best to be there cuz ive had people give up on me and it fucking sucked, i wont ever give up on you. they really are so special to me like. the best people ive ever met in my entire life and i MEAN that. you are so worth it, anything at all. ill be here!!! i wont ever leave you behind, how could i ever do that? my love doesnt come from what they do for me, it comes from THEM directly. their personalities, their hobbies, interests. glasses get rosier, theres nowhere id rather be! it feels so good to just.. idk. i like being here, i feel stable and comfortable and its all thanks to them

MAN dont talk to me ever. never speak to me!!! lot of feelings okay but. listenn..... ive got two eyes, one for each apple. EASY. lovemaxxing or whatever