#deirak

[askbensolo]

Ask Ben Solo

What’s up, HoloNet! The name’s Ben. Currently 23 years old. I’m the only son of an Alderaanian princess and a Corellian scoundrel, and I have an adopted sister named Rey.

I started this blog when I was fifteen and afraid of becoming a Jedi. To make things worse, I started hearing voices in my head…voices that turned out to be someone who wanted to control me. Luckily, my friends and family got involved, and Snoke seems to have backed off.

I did make friends with some of Uncle Luke’s Jedi students, but I ended up attending the University of Naboo (Go Shaaks!) and got my degree in Journalism, since I’ve always been interested in writing, history, and politics. (Scroll back enough, and you’ll see my cringe pro-Imperial phase from back in the day. Yikes.)

I stayed on Naboo after graduation, and now I write for The Chommell Sector Daily. In my free time I lift weights, write poetry, and fight with people online.

Ask me a question!

—Ben

All Posts in Chronological Order

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Run by @luke-shywalker Est. 2016

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Friends' Blogs:

Fannie’s Blog: @fanniepentarra

Amalia’s Blog: @mal-is-tall

(Their blogs are dead because they're lame, but maybe if we bother them enough they'll come back)

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Inktober 2016

Posts by Character

Family

Mom: My mother, also known as Senator Leia Organa, also known as Space Mom, also known as Don't Mess With Her. Tough as nails. Also has nice nails.

Dad: My father, also known as Han Solo (or scruffy-looking nerfherder). Isn’t as cool as you think he is, but makes up for it with heart.

Rey: My adopted sister, also known as "Kid". Ten years younger than me. Originally from Jakku. Eats faster than anyone I’ve ever seen.

Uncle Luke: My uncle, also known as Jedi Master Luke Skywalker. Is a cinnamon roll.

Ren the Bantha of Indeterminate Gender or Origin: My stuffed bantha friend. Not much can be known about this humble beast, but they are fiercely loyal.

Threepio: My mom's protocol droid. Has foregone enough memory wipes to pass as sentient. Best ignored.

Artoo: Luke’s beeping trash can. Extremely rude.

Chewie: My dad’s best pal. Gives great hugs. Don’t play holochess with him.

Lumpy: Chewie’s son. About my age in Wookiee years.

Darth Vader: My grandfather. It's complicated.

Friends

Fannie: One of Luke's Jedi students, who has since graduated. Twi'lek. My bestie when we were teens. Mom friend.

Amalia: One of Luke's Jedi students, who has since dropped out. Massive Togruta girl. Frenemy.

Treeso: My roommate from college. Gungan. Solid dude.

Sweeper: My archnemesis: the cleaning droid at work that keeps eating my paper notes.

Ugly Raisin Men Who Have Invaded My Mind With the Force

Snoke: Enough said.

Story Events

The Long Night: (2/25/16 - 4/2/16) In which I woke up from a nightmare and couldn’t sleep.

Space Braces: (5/16/16 - 12/7/2017) In which I got braces.

Get Out of My Head: (8/4/16 - 8/28/16) In which Mom left for a diplomatic mission and left me at home with my dad, and I was consumed by fear and darkness.

The Visit: (10/6/16 - 11/5/16) In which Uncle Luke came to visit us.

Sixteen!: (12/3/16 - 12/11/16) In which I turned sixteen.

Life Day 21 ABY: (12/25/16 - 12/26/16) Life Day!

The Impending Future: (9/10/17 - 9/29/17) In which I had an existential crisis about Mom wanting me to become a Jedi, and I discovered Snoke.

Seventeen!: (12/3/17 - 12/11/17) In which I turned seventeen.

Life Day 22 ABY: (12/25/17 - 12/26/17) Life Day!

A Week With Luke: (12/21/17 - 1/7/18) In which my mom made me spend a week at Luke’s Jedi school.

An Awkward Situation: (4/26/18 - 7/15/18) In which I thought my best friend Fannie was going to ask me out. Like, on a date.

About Amalia: (7/16/18 - 8/7/18) In which I accidentally started a chain of rumors about Amalia, Luke’s mysterious and hardest-to-get-along-with student.

The New Roommate: (4/24/24 - current) In which my roommate Treeso moves out and I have to find someone to take over his lease.

Recurring Tags Below

[fanniepentarra]

It’s odd. Everything seems strangely quiet, and still. I found that it was harder to meditate this morning—I had grown rather used to the sound of the boiling kettle.

I set it to boil, just to listen to the water rumble. And then I made a cup of tea, since I had the water anyway, although this season is not the most suited to hot tea.

It is incredibly hot here, even more than is typical for Naboo, I think. It is hot, and dry. Not like the humid air of Ryloth, which most people despise, but reminds me of stepping out of the shower and into a warm towel’s hug. Twi’lek skin is not made for this Naboo summer dryness, so I have had to oil my skin every morning. I like to use rokathi seed oil because of the scent.

Over my cup of tea, I found myself thinking about Deirak, and the mess that things became in the end. I think I can understand why the old Jedi did not marry or pursue marriage. And though I do not necessarily think their way was better…I do think I should not have tried to navigate that path when I was only sixteen. What does such a young woman know, having lived barely over a decade and a half?

But I question whether I really know much more now. The older I become, the more I realize how little I actually know, about the galaxy, about the Force, about myself…

Things used to make more sense before. Back before Amalia, Luke’s first student (who we all looked up to in a way, even if she was somewhat prickly as a person) chose to renounce the Jedi. Back when I thought I would marry Deirak. Back when Pennie was just a little girl, climbing vines and scraping her knees. Back when meditation came naturally, when I was confident in the Force, and believed with my whole heart that light would always conquer the dark… And back before I fell in love again.

It is too much, living here with Ben. He is too charming without ever meaning to be. Or perhaps I am too easily charmed. I have always tried not to like him…but he makes it so difficult. I remember when I first saw him, an awkward, gangly boy of seventeen, and there was just something about him that seemed so sweet. Of course, he isn’t sweet most of the time, always feeling his emotions to their fullest intensity, and with a biting wit too sharp for him to make friends easily…but I suppose even that is endearing to me too. And then, there are the times when he is sweet…gentle and kind, and with a sense of humor to lighten any situation…

I must admit I pursued Deirak because I imagined him to be a version of Ben who was actually within my reach. Ben was not a possibility for me, and I could not stand to not have what I wanted, so I determined I would have something, and convinced Deirak and myself that I loved him while using him to meet a need. The dark side lives even in me, in little ways like that…

That shameful disservice to a good friend and my dear brother in the Force is one of the greatest mistakes I have ever made in my entire life. And the longer that I let the relationship continue, along with other problems that we foolishly ignored, the worse it all was when everything came crumbling down.

I deeply regret that I did not love Deirak on his own merits, and that I was always hoping he would become someone else—someone who would follow me to Ryloth rather than pursue his own path of becoming a Jedi teacher, someone who would marry me as soon as we were old enough, rather than wait (goodness, I am glad he did not agree). Though he and I are no longer friends (which is a tragedy in itself), I dearly wish that one day, someone very beautiful in spirit will love him so completely and so well that he knows, without a doubt, that he is exactly who he is meant to be.

As for myself…I am unsure. I have learned to be wary of my own desires.

My cup of tea is empty now. I wonder what I shall do today, here in Theed alone…

[morihaus]

Magic

Amongst the hustle and bustle of a Tsaesci port market, a Telvanni mage shuffles through the crowd carrying a large sack on his back. The Great House has a long history of trade with these Akaviri men; Gendryn sees some of his countrymen around the sprawling lanes of markets and shops, a few select wizards preferring to hover a modest distance above the ground to more quickly attend to their important business. On any other errand, he may be tempted to join them, but for this endeavor it will be best that he attracts no particular attention.

Weaving through the passersby, Gendryn finds just the right type of shop and steps inside. Not lavish enough to be filled with customers or bodyguards, not so small that they don't have anything he wants.

A small Tsaesci is sorting ivory coins when he enters. He perks up when he notices him, more so upon seeing his wizard's garb and the mysterious bag slung across his back. He strikes a winning smile and greets his new customer in Dunmeri. "Under sun and sky! I am Res-Deirak; what may I do for you today, sera?"

His expression flat, Gendryn replies in Akaviri. "Greetings. It is more what we can do for each other which concerns me." He slides the sling of his bag off his arm; its longer than his torso, yet his lack of strain indicates its relatively light weight.

The shopkeeper raises an inquisitive brow. "Is that so?" He switches to Akaviri, having been assured this is no easily conned tourist. "Well, let us see what you have here and we can then discuss my own inventory." If he had to guess, he would say this man has brought in some foreign wood, easy to carry and rather desirable for artisans. Perhaps it's a carved staff? Maybe even a genuine casting focus, something he's sure amateur Tamriellic scholar types would love to get their hands on.

Gendryn approaches the counter, spindly frame placing him a head taller than the trader leaning forward at his station. He unties the bag and reaches inside, making purposeful contact with the item inside before unveiling it. A long white bone from some large animal, gently curved and jagged at the ends, broken off from some remains. Despite himself, the trader gawks at it.

"Is that-"

"A bone, yes."

He almost says something else, then stops himself. He smiles again. "Ah, sera, I'm sure you will not mind if I employ some measures... to ensure that this is the, correct material."

Gendryn puts on a perturbed expression, placing the bone on the counter between them. "By all means, whatever you must do." Impatience rings in his voice.

When Res-Deirak returns, he's carrying a steel file in one hand and an unlit burner in the other. He's taken the time away to collect himself, his former sunny expression returning. "This won't take long, sera." He places kindling under the burner platform before attempting to spark a flame, striking flint against the file in his hands. Embarrassingly, a fire does not start for some time.

"Please, I'll spare you the trouble." Gendryn says.

With a flick of his wrist, a small flame dances on the end of the elf's fingers, catching the eye of the shopkeeper. "Ah, so I was right to take you as a wizard." He watches the flame as it flows along Gendryn's guiding hand, slithering into its place in the burner. As the mage rescinds his hand and the flame takes a life of its own, he gives him an appreciative nod of his head. "Most impressive."

Still stone-faced, Gendryn merely hums. "A parlor trick, only to save us a few moments." He glances between the man and the bone on the counter, urging him to take the file to it for his tests. "There are far better uses for magic where I come from. The vulgar slinging of elements is child's play."

The Tsaesci chuckles, setting to his work. "Well, your magicks are much less common in our land. It's rare to see someone casting without a sword in their hand." He drags the edge of the file against the surface of the bone, producing a crude scraping noise. "Why, with talents like that, I probably wouldn't be borrowing and bartering on this wharf... maybe I'd be able to... take one of these myself, eh? Is that how you... came upon it?" He asks the question in a conspiratorial tone, still trying to keep this little trade to themselves.

"How very forward, asking where I get my merchandise."

"Well... when it's bones we're talking about-!"

"For your information, I procured this from a private collector in Firewatch. They're long dead in Morrowind... driven out by our Cliff Racers, depending on who you ask."

He utters an uneasy laugh, idly turning the bone in his hands to catch the firelight, poring over the surface for any faults. "They sound like fearsome beasts. Though, often I heard it was those... those men, of Tamriel- who wielded magic of their own? Ah, but you'll excuse me; magic is a martial art in Tsaesci. I mean, what else might you do with it?"

As Res-Deirak finishes the first test, Gendryn can tell he's getting excited. This small talk is a distraction for the way his hands tremble with excitement as he transfers the bone to the burner-top, the darting of his eyes as he notices the steel file couldn't make a scratch. He feels almost a trifle sorry for the poor man, so he plays along.

"Destruction is but one application of the art. At Shad Astula, they teach thousands." Gendryn has never been of course, but he doesn't need to know that. "At the end of the day, magicka is a tool- a varied and flexible tool, but ultimately it is a means to an end. It holds many capabilities; the art of it is finding ways to apply it in all areas of life."

As he lectures the man he plans on never meeting again, the bone sits over the fire. The metal grows burning hot, but the bone does not react. The trader tries not to pay too much attention to it.

"I use magic to expedite my travels, to light my dwellings, to protect myself from the elements... I use it to mend my clothes, repair my things, conduct my alchemical research... over the centuries, wizards have found ways to do just about anything with magic." He glances disinterestedly at the stark white bone as the burner starts to turn red. "Why, masters of alteration have spun wick-wheat into gold. As a businessman and a wizard, I'm sure you could find more prudent uses for your talents."

Res-Deirak laughs. "Maybe so... if only my people were not so... traditional, where your arts are concerned. But ah, here in Jano we're much more open-minded." He smiles, quietly snuffing out the flame under the burner. "Now, to the matter at hand..." He looks back up at the wizard, confident smile on his face. "It seems this may be of some worth to me."

"Obviously."

"Yes, obviously... now, as for an exchange-- I'm sure you're looking to barter for some of my more, hard to come by items? -- I can only spare so much for something like this-"

"You're not interested?" Gendryn interrupts.

"No, no!" He quickly waves his hands, banishing the idea. "Of course I am! It's just... hm... how shall I put it? 'Sensitive goods'? You know, there are... risks involved." He continues to stretch a smile like a mask across his face.

Reaching forward without hesitation, Gendryn grasps the bone with his bare hand-- Res-Deirak jerks in surprise at this given its temperature-- and makes a show of a sigh. "If this is going to be an issue, sera, I will not waste anymore of our time-"

"Alright, come now!" The man says. "Just because you aren't getting the best I have to offer doesn't mean you won't get quality! I have a large selection of goods-- exotic ones! -- one of the most diverse selections on the wharf! And you must know that other shops may be less than accepting of such an offer."

Balking at his threat, Gendryn turns around. "I'll take my chances."

He gets about two and half steps before the trader cracks.

After some haggling, Gendryn nets himself quite a fat stack of alchemical pouches; Padomaic spices, east Akaviri flowers, coral Dreugh rut, and even the highly sought after black powder of the monkey isles. In exchange, he hands the large bone-- now cooled-- over to the trader, who graciously accepts the obscuring sack along with it.

Holding the leather sack like it was his firstborn, Res-Deirak smiles at the wizard. "You drive a hard bargain, sera, but I thank you for your patronage. This will be worth quite a lot to the right people..."

Gendryn only nods and waves over his shoulder, taking his leave down the street.

As he hears the rattling of dragonbone coinage ring throughout the market-way, he tries to recall how much he spent on that petty trinket. In retrospect, that whaler almost certainly overcharged him- it would have been cheaper to get the powdered stuff, but as grand and powerful a wizard as he is, even he couldn't fool someone with a white pile of dust.

Making his way back to his ship, he recalls his conversation with Res and smiles. Indeed, magic has many applications.

[luke-shywalker]

Any universe we get the Ben-brings-home-his-friends (has he ever other than Fannie had like friends back to his house??? And how are they getting there??? Are they getting picked up on the Falcon oh my god) in one-shot form? I want deTAILS

I can give you details, but I wasn’t planning to write a fic. If someone else wants to write the fic, I’ll consider it blog canon. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Ben’s never had friends over to his house before, not even Fannie. This year was kind of busy for him, especially immediately following the running-away incident, so he and Fan usually just hung out when Ben went to visit his uncle twice a week. After Fannie starting dating Deirak, they stopped hanging out one-on-one most of the time.

Han is in charge of picking up the teens, and yes, in the Falcon. Amalia has to bite her tongue to keep herself from saying “And I thought this thing was ugly on the outside.” Ben bribed his dad to not say anything embarrassing about his two best friends being girls who both find him attractive, but Han, being Han, says something embarrassing anyway.

Amalia is impressed by the Organa-Solos’ home (and a little judgmental). Plumbing and running water are luxuries to her. Toilets are weird and proof that people with credits care way too much even about their crap. She manages to suppress her judgments of the upper middle class, but comments that this is nicer than she’s used to. Kid relates to Amalia’s surprise. Fannie is less amazed since she grew up in the home of her wealthy father.

Ben asks the girls and his sister what they want to do. They all give slumber party suggestions and Ben has regrets. He concedes to truth or dare, though. Shenanigans ensue.

Leia gets home from work with some take-out food she picked up on the way. She introduces herself to the girls, and after looking at Amalia for a moment, remembers that Luke brought Mal to Kashyyyk for Life Day when Amalia was five (right after Luke took her in). “You were a lot smaller then!”

Amalia is consistently paranoid Ben’s parents are going to bring up the harassment incident. They don’t.

Ben shows the girls his bedroom. Although he doesn’t have the same degree of Empire memorabilia in his room that he did when he was younger, there are still remnants. The Vader More Like Baeder poster is gone, but there’s still vintage recruitment posters and other historical items. Fannie doesn’t say anything (they’ve discussed this before many times), but Amalia is surprised and suspicious and she grills him. Ben insists it’s just an intellectual and historical interest but Amalia goes on a tirade about the Empire and Ben is like “Geez if it’ll stop you from lecturing me I’ll change the decor next time.”

Ben’s closet contains five sweaters. No one is surprised.

Han is consistently embarrassing. This is the moment he’s been waiting for: his teenage son finally has friends to be humiliated in front of.

Leia takes time to talk to the girls and get to know them better. She asks them about Jedi life and their backgrounds, where they came from. Fannie does most of the talking because Amalia is intimidated. Eventually Fannie goes to play holochess with Kid, leaving Mal alone with the Huttslayer.

Fannie keeps trying to move the holographic pieces with her hands. Kid keeps winning.

Leia senses that Amalia is kind of a troubled kid. She asks how things are doing after the rumor incident. Amalia says most people don’t like her but that’s okay because no one ever did. But Ben has been nice to her lately. “Then it looks like I raised my son right,” Leia says.

Amalia gets overwhelmed by the socialness and goes into the bathroom to chill. She’s stressed out, but her biggest concern is that if she cries her makeup will be ruined.

There’s holos of Ben as a child in the bathroom...including a Naked Toddler Bathtub Photo. It preserves Ben’s decency, but not his dignity, and Amalia is cheered up right away.

Speaking of embarrassing Ben, everyone does it. It’s the easiest way for everyone to bond—making fun of the one person they all know. Ben dies inside repeatedly, but he’s good-natured about it.

Amalia forgot to tell Ben she was vegan. She can’t eat the food Leia bought, so Ben makes her a plum-tomato sandwich. It’s only okay. But since Ben made it for her, that makes it better.

Fannie has fun speaking Twi’leki to Threepio simply because he can understand it. She makes some suggestions to improve the accuracy of his translation.

Amalia is intrigued by the closeness of the Organa-Solos. They have a streak for being sarcastic and annoying each other, but it’s the kind of playful conflict that comes from being so close. Their care for one another and their deep connections with one another are obvious—different from the teacher/counselor/uncle relationship Mal has with Luke. Amalia feels jealous and sad, but ignores her feelings for the sake of her fierce makeup.

Kid brings Ren the Bantha of Indeterminate Gender or Origin downstairs to play. Ben says “Oh Amalia you should have brought your bantha, Sand!” Amalia gets embarrassed about still having a stuffed animal, but Kid says “It’s okay; sometimes grownups like to do things that are more kiddish. For example, Ben’s mum and dad still like to jump on the bed!” Everyone is confused except Ben, who dies inside, and his parents, who exchange mortified glances approximately a minute later.

[mal-is-tall]

fannie is so sweet

i was afraid she might not want to be around me, because i think the last time i spoke to her i was very agitated and made some kind of death threat

but fannie says i make too many death threats, and no one is afraid of them anymore.

fannie brought me some coraseed buns. they had koja nuts in them. my favorite.

you know, fannie is prettier and nicer than me. i am sure that if ben solo suddenly decided to choose a girl, he would choose her. i do not usually trust human boys who date twi’lek girls, but if ben solo dated fannie i think it would be fine. just my heart would be broken, but that is all.

do you know fannie and deirak have still never kissed? fannie says it’s because they want to wait so it will be more special, but i think it’s because she is not actually attracted to him.

anyway. fannie and i didn’t talk about boys at all. because we had better things to do than to talk about men.

well, actually we did talk about men a little bit, but only because we were talking about our families. she was telling me about her father.

i have never really seen fannie angry. but she seems very conflicted when she talks about her father. she told me how her father treated her like a slave when she was younger.

she told me that once, when she visited ryloth a few years ago to see her family again, her father hosted a party. there was much debauchery and much drunkenness, and when he was really wasted, fannie’s father tried to get her to dance for his guests.

fannie said no. her father asked again, and she said no. then he grabbed her arm, and fannie pulled out her lightsaber.

she didn’t hurt him, but he was surprised, and that gave her the chance to run away.

the next morning, her father didn’t remember any of it, and fannie didn’t tell him.

“how old were you when that happened?” i asked.

“i was thirteen,” she said.

thirteen.

i hope my father is not that kind of man. i don’t even know if he is alive, or if i will ever see him again, but i think i would feel better if i knew i was not descended from that kind of person.

i asked fannie what her mother is like. fannie says that her mother is like her: kind, maternal, soft-spoken.

i believe it.

she asked if i remembered anything about my own mother. i told her not really, except that my mother was kind of weird. she would say people were chasing her, when there wasn’t anyone there. sometimes she forgot who i was, or acted like i was a monster or something. she was convinced i could tell the future. i think she might have been on drugs? or maybe there was just something wrong with her brain.

when she was in her right mind, she was okay, i guess. she would sing a lot, and stroke my head-tails to make me fall asleep. she used to call me “mali.” she taught me to speak togruti (but after i came to live with luke i only spoke basic, so now i can’t anymore). when my mother remembered i was her daughter, she would go hungry to make sure i had enough to eat.

but that was only when she remembered. otherwise, she would leave me in random gutters all the time. whenever that happened, i would use the force to track her down again, except i didn’t know i was using the force. and then once i found her she would get scared of me and ask why i was following her.

sometimes, she would snap back into her right mind after she had left me someplace. and then she would search for me in a very distraught manner and  once we were reunited she would hug me and cry “next time, stay close to me mali; i don’t want to lose you.”

and then maybe half an hour later she’d forget all about me and leave again.

living with her was very confusing. i never knew what to expect. i never knew if today i was her daughter, or if tomorrow i’d be a stranger—i never knew.

and then one day when i am five she says “we need credits, mali. we need credits or we won’t have any food. want to help me get some credits?”

and i say “yes mother!”

and then she says “good!” and takes the ribbons from my head-tails and ties my wrists with them and drags me out to the street to sell me like an animal.

i was too shocked to protest.

i wonder if she was in her right mind when she sold me. maybe she wasn’t. maybe she was in the middle of an episode, and then woke up later with the credits in her hands and her daughter gone forever.

i wonder if that would have made her sad. i am not sure. it was hard to tell if she really loved me, because she was loony half the time.

fannie asked if i loved her. but i don’t know if i loved her or not. all i know is i was kind of glad when luke took me home with him.

but. i do still think about my mother sometimes. i wonder if she ever thought of me, afterward

—a

[askbensolo]

Do you still talk to Fannie and Amalia? If so, how are they doing?

I still talk to Amalia, yeah! We don’t talk that often, but we send each other memes and stuff. She lives on Coruscant now, which is where she came from before Luke found her. This is gonna sound weird, but she like, switched religions, kind of. Apparently there’s a religion of non-Force sensitives and semi-Force sensitives who revere the Force, despite not being able to feel it or use it to make things float and all that.

I don’t really get it. I asked her what the difference was, between that and being a Jedi. Or why you’d devote your life to the Force if you weren’t gonna get a lightsaber and mind powers out of it. Or why she’d join a community of non-Force sensitives, when she used to be such a powerful Jedi-in-training.

Amalia said that as a Jedi, she was always focused on how to use the Force, but now, she thinks more about how the Force uses her. The Force, to her, is less of an energy and more of a divine being with its own will, whose will we ought to discern and follow. And then there was some other stuff about how she thinks the light side/dark side balance thing isn’t actually true, that what we call the light side of the Force is really just the Force itself, and…well, it’s way over my head, so don’t ask me.

I don’t know, I guess it’s kinda interesting. But I’m a little more interested in paying my bills and hitting work deadlines right now.

One thing’s clear to me, though. Amalia is way happier than she used to be. More chill. And nicer. Doesn’t stop her from roasting me all the time though—which is good, because I’d hate to lose such an integral part of our friendship.

As for Fannie…well, she and I aren’t really in contact anymore. She went to Ryloth to work with a Twi’lek anti-trafficking organization around the time that I left for college, and things haven’t really been the same between us after that.

Fannie and I used to be real buds. She always saw the best in me (even when I was being a jerk), and showed a lot of care for me that I hadn’t really experienced before. We became even closer after she broke up with her boyfriend Deirak because of their differing plans for the future (she was set on returning to Ryloth, and he wanted to stay with Luke and be a Jedi teacher).

Even though Fannie was the one who ended things with him, it still made her really sad, so after the breakup I spent a lot of time with her and listened to her cry and invited her to hang out with my family and took her on walks a lot. (Looking back, I can see why Deirak stopped being nice to me around then. Whoops. Sorry bro.)

Anyway…after I went to Naboo and she went to Ryloth, being in such different worlds—I mean our lifestyles, not the planets—put kind of a strain on our friendship. I was complaining about writing essays, and cramming for finals, and enduring my stupid stupid stupid Nonhuman Studies courses where everyone was like “Ben is a human so his opinion on Hutt crime lords is invalid”—and Fannie was like, “Oh yeah, I helped deliver a baby today. I went on an undercover mission to help a woman escape her slaver.”

Awkward.

It’s not like we fought over it or anything. But…there was just this…disconnect, and we both were really busy, and eventually we kind of just…stopped talking.

Well…okay, maybe I was the one who stopped replying as much. And then I got anxiety whenever I opened our messages and remembered I hadn’t replied in over a month.

She did reach out to me last summer to ask if I graduated. I was like, “Haha, yeah!” and she was like “Congratulations!” and I was like, “Thanks!” and that was that.

I do think about her a lot though. I think I could have been a better friend to her. I wish that I had supported her more, instead of focusing on myself and feeling self-conscious. Sometimes I think about reaching out again, but…I don’t know. It’s been a long time. I’m still busy, and I’m sure she is too. Maybe that friendship just ran its course…

[askbensolo]

Journal Entry #49: tfw your uncle tells your gf not to date you because he thinks she could do better

I spent the better half of an hour wandering the grounds of Luke’s school, trying to find out where Fannie was so I could avoid her. Luke’s students kept on saying hi to me as they passed. Dude, I barely remember any of their names—the ones I knew from way back when, I’ve mostly forgotten, and Uncle Luke has taken on so many new students since then. But then of course everyone knows who I am—Fannie says Luke talks about his family a lot at school. I ended up handing out a whole lotta head nods and “hey bro wassup”s.

I couldn’t find Fannie—although I did catch a glimpse of her ex, Deirak, now a newly-appointed Jedi teacher, who seemed to be holding a Saturday session with one of the Jedi kids. He caught my eye and smiled and waved, and I panicked and waved back and scurried away.

Why did he smile at me? I thought he didn’t like me. I mean, he doesn’t have a reason to like me. Fannie started hanging out with me all the time immediately after they broke up. But then, Jedi aren’t allowed to, like, not like people, huh.

…I could never be a Jedi.

Eventually, I gave up the search and headed to Luke’s office, which was where he and I had been planning to meet and catch up. And, ha—of course—as the Force would have it—well, I don’t even need to really say it, do I?

“…it’s just so hard, Luke. I love him so much. I don’t think I could even begin to tell you how much I love him.”

I stopped in my tracks, about five feet away from Luke’s office door. My heart started pounding. It was her. And then I felt the absolute weirdest cocktail of emotions—giddiness and affection because that’s my freaking wife I love the sound of her voice AHHHHH I haven’t seen her in a whole entire month!! I love her so freaking MUCH and absolute terror because we haven’t talked for four days what’s gonna happen if she sees me??? and indignant anger because wait what the frick who gave her the right to tell my uncle about all this, I haven’t even told my parents yet, she never asked my permission to tell anyone and insane delight because hold on did she just say she loves me?? and then immense sadness because oh yeah, but, she’s questioning whether she and I should even be together at all…

I slumped against the stone wall and tried to catch my breath. She sounded all stuffy, like she’d been crying.

“I love him, Luke. Ever since I first saw him, and so much more as I’ve gotten to know him, and…this feels like the only thing I truly want. I have learned not to want. I have learned to be content in all things. But, I have always liked him, and I have never thought he would feel the same way, and now that he does, I can’t—can’t let go.”

Muffled sobs. My heart wrenched. I mean…yeah, there was all this…stuff…between us now, but…I still hated for her to hurt. And…I didn’t know she liked me so much.

I don’t think I’ve ever been the one thing someone’s wanted before. I felt this sort of…profound ache, I guess, that I never knew I had inside me. Because…yeah. I am constantly fighting the delusion that everyone hates me and wants me gone. I know better than to give these thoughts credit, but a couple times a week I find myself wondering…would it really make a difference to anyone if I disappeared?

So…all of a sudden, as soon as she said that, on top of everything else—I wanted so badly for someone to want me half as much as she said she did. To be so important to someone as to be the one thing they wanted out of life…? Damn.

Snoke had made me feel that way—well, not exactly that way—but something a little like it. I had been special to him. Until I disproved my usefulness, I guess.

My uncle’s gentle voice from the other room broke through my thoughts.

“Fannie,” Luke was saying, in that warm, measured tone of his. “You are very wise, and I am very proud of you. You have learned the way of the Jedi. You have learned to know yourself. To know your desires. To recognize the needs they reflect. I find it so completely natural that you would have feelings for Ben. He’s a sweet kid, and reminds me so much of his dad. And I know the two of you have shared a special friendship. I think you’ve meant a lot to him. You’ve been able to connect with him more than any of your other classmates have. I know he means a lot to you. But, I also think you know what is right. He’s not a Jedi, Fannie. And he is not in touch with the Force.”

I chewed on my lip and slowly slid down the wall until I was sitting on the stone floor. I tried to make sense of Luke’s words. Yeah, I wasn’t a Jedi. And neither was Mom. Was that how Luke felt about us? How he felt about me? That just because we weren’t like him, we were doing something wrong? That there was something wrong with me?

Snoke’s words echoed in my mind. If you ever strayed from your uncle’s narrow view of the light…

“If you choose to bond yourself to him, Fannie, it would be a difficult road,” Luke was telling her. “Permit me a farmer’s analogy: a team of banthas cannot travel far, if they are each headed in different directions. You might pull him one way, true. He might also end up pulling you astray.”

Astray? It wasn’t like I was a Sith Lord. I was just…you know…a guy.

“But…suppose I were able to teach him, Luke. Suppose that, by loving him, I could show him the light…”

“Hm. The Force may choose to work in such a way. But…I suspect it would do so as a mercy, rather than as a rule. Would you want to bank on that, Fannie? And would you want him to become a Jedi, not of his own will, but for your sake?”

She was quiet for a moment. And then:

“…Master Luke…do you think it…possible…that Ben might choose to seek the Force on his own?”

“Do you?”

“Well…I do think it’s possible...”

“As do I,” Luke agreed. “All things are possible, Fannie. You know I believe that. I believed that about my father, and I believe that about your father. How much more, therefore, do I believe it for Ben. But…whether Ben chooses to center his life around the light is really up to him. You can’t make him. And I can’t make him. And even the Force itself cannot make him. He must choose. And you must choose.”

My knees started bouncing rapidly in that nervous way my mom always hated.

“So…what will you choose, Fannie? Will you choose to serve the light side of the Force, above all? Or will you choose to serve your desire? Even a good desire?”

A full minute, spent in silence. That was so Fannie. I would have chuckled—if I wasn’t currently being driven insane.

“…I am a Jedi,” I heard Fannie say finally. “So…the answer is clear. Albeit painful.”

My stomach plummeted.

The shuffle of robes. I think Luke was hugging her. As if to reward her for driving a stake through my gut.

“Your desires are not wrong, Fannie,” my uncle told her. “I know you love him and care for him. Your love for him is a beautiful thing. Your desire to love and be loved is a beautiful thing, and a right thing. But where will you choose to meet your good desires? How will you choose? By whatever is easiest? Whatever is fastest? By wherever you feel the strongest pull?”

“…By wisdom, Master Luke.”

“Yes. By wisdom.”

“For this is the way of the Jedi.”

“Yes. This is the way of the light.”

My eyes darted back and forth between all the little cracks in the floor as I tried to wrap my head around all this. Fannie…

Why…

…I didn’t understand.

I felt kind of nauseous and the back of my neck prickled up with sweat and my pinky toes started to hurt.

And suddenly I felt this…intense…rage…come upon me. Because…who would choose this? Who would choose to serve a power that required you to give up the things you wanted most? Snoke had tried for years to control me…to take everything I had…only for it to turn out that the light side of the Force was exactly the same.

My throat tightened up. If there had been any curiosity for the Force left in me at that moment, it died.

And then my anger turned toward my uncle, and his narrow-minded beliefs, and his stupid Jedi cult.

I blinked back tears. My ears felt all hot. And I began to hear them again…more clearly this time…those voices that called for me and crooned my name.

I stood up—maybe a little too fast—my head spun—but it was already spinning anyway. And then, I decided—

…Well. Wait. Before I go on.

What do you think I should have done?

[fanniepentarra]

So is there such a thing as Jedi prom?

Jedi prom…?

What is “prom?”

Oh, wait—yes, I have heard of this! It’s a dance social, correct?

Well, I don’t know how it compares to the school dances on first-world planets. But yes, we did have socials a couple times a year at our Jedi school! :)

From my understanding, at the usual sort of school dance, there is a lot of emphasis placed on asking out a date to the dance. Luke tried to dissuade us from doing this…but most of us being silly, curious little pre-teens and teenagers, we ended up doing it anyway.

Of course, there were only twelve of us at the academy. It was not a very large selection pool. I can say, nearly without exaggeration, that those of us who were interested in dating all ended up dating each other at some point, which made things rather awkward and embarrassing for everyone.

Well, I should rephrase—I was not one of the ones much interested in dating. Deirak was the only classmate of mine I was ever with.

Amalia never attended the socials. No…I don’t think she was ever at a single one. Before Deirak and I started going out, I would always invite her to come with me, but I never succeeded in convincing her.

[fanniepentarra]

i see darkness in ben's future...you have to help him.

I see this message was submitted around the time Ben ran away, all those years ago. I think, in fact, it was submitted after he was found, and placed in the medcenter.

Anon…I wish you would have given more information about the darkness you saw. When you sent me this, was it everything that was going on back then, that you referred to? Years have passed, and he seems…well, alright, I think.

And yet…I sense something, too. There’s always been a sort of uncertainty around him. I spent quite a lot of time with him this summer, and I was relieved not to feel the tumult that used to surround him when he was younger…but…I did not feel the warmth and security of the light, either. There was just a sort of…emptiness. A vacancy.

Of course, I found myself pushing these observations aside while we were—well—occupied.

…I really want to believe he is well. I…I have been in love with him for so long.

I did not tell the truth to you, before. It was never Deirak that I fell in love with. It…it really was Ben, as many of you guessed. I sense that I did not succeed in concealing my secret. I’ve never been much good at lying.

But, you see, I knew I could never have Ben—or, so I thought—and so I bound myself to Deirak instead, and tried to make Deirak into who I wished he was, and used our relationship to try to placate my desire—and that was two years of both of our lives that could have been spent toward much better ends…as well as a close friendship lost.

Ben doesn’t know this. But I did admit to Deirak in the end that my feelings had always been for Ben, instead of him.

I did enjoy having a boyfriend. Who wouldn’t? A boy to hold your hand and give you flowers and listen to you talk and tell you that you’re pretty. But…I didn’t love Deirak as I should have. And I am so sorry to him for that.

And I am even more sorry that, when Ben swooped in like a hero to support me through the breakup that I had brought about—I didn’t refuse him. Ben and I spent a lot of time together. We went on a lot of walks and shared a lot of hugs. Ben wasn’t living at the academy then, but he came to visit me every weekend, and I let him. And Deirak saw. He never confronted me about it, but I can only guess what he might have thought.

Oh, Deirak. I am so sorry.

…Sometimes…I wonder…if I am not falling into the same trap. I may not have been in love with Deirak, but it certainly served my desires to be in a relationship with him, even though it was evident we would not have a future together. I ended things much too late, and caused a lot of pain.

Is there a future for me and Ben? Everything in me fights to believe it. I love him so desperately—I love everything about him. His way with words, his sense of humor—goodness, he is so funny—his deep brown eyes, that smile of his, the way he laughs, the way he’s so sure of himself—and also—the way he’s not…

Amalia told Ben and I that we should not be together. It angered me greatly. Amalia was unable to keep her commitment to the Jedi—so who is she to say whether Ben and I could not commit ourselves to one another?

But…there is some small part of me that fears she could be right.

I want to marry Ben, more than anything in the galaxy. To have him as a husband—the boy I’ve loved in secret for so long! The boy who, for so many years, swore he’d die alone—in love with me at last! When we fell out of contact, when he went to Naboo and I to Ryloth, I thought for sure that was the end of things. But now—I have felt his lips on my face and his hands on my back—I have heard him say he loves me! By the Force—I want him so much, I think I could do almost anything, if only to secure the hope. And…I think it is dangerous, to want anything so badly.

…Goodness. I really did not mean to…to say so much.

I apologize, dear reader. I suppose I just have a lot on my mind…

[fanniepentarra]

Promise I won't take too much of your time here, but I'm curious. How's your jedi training like? What do you do everyday? Anything you really like about it? Do you have one of those long glow sticks?

Oh, that’s quite alright—take up as much of my time as you’d like! It’s fun getting to share about my life. :)

My years at Luke’s school were such a sweet time for me, and I look back very fondly on them. I was there from the time I was eight years old, up until age nineteen. (I am twenty-two now—my goodness, how time has flown!)

I lived at Luke’s academy, and grew up there. Not every student does. It tends to be those with difficult family backgrounds, or, perhaps, no family at all. I would go back to Ryloth to visit my family a few times during the year, and I did miss my mother and sisters often…but, I think Luke’s school was a much better environment for me to develop.

Thus, Luke’s school was indeed school, but, for me, it was also my home, and my family. Oh goodness, the friends I had there—Meliko, my mentor, so sweet and wise; Rakkhi, who was also Twi’leki, but a much different sort of man from my father and my half-brothers—Char, who was always so silly and a troublemaker, but has since matured so incredibly that I am shocked whenever I see him—Luz, what a sweetheart—and Deirak…oh, Deirak…

Oh dear, I’m rambling; let me get back on track!

Our training consisted of a few different components: group lessons with Master Luke, one-on-one lessons with Master Luke, mentor-apprentice relationships among ourselves, and times of individual meditation and reflection. These were scheduled throughout the week, and we had recreational time on weekends. We also ate meals together, and we were each responsible for preparing meals (as well as other duties, like cleaning communal spaces) on a daily rotation. Sometimes, there were days when the kitchen team ended up being all boys. I love my brothers in the Force—but, I’m afraid the food did tend to be worse then.

What does it mean to be a Jedi? Mind, spirit, heart, body. All of these must be attuned to the Force. Our involuntary emotions are tied to the light and dark side of the Force, as are each of our conscious thoughts, decisions, and actions. The Force flows through our bodies—through our flesh and blood. We learned to still our minds, to observe our emotions and let them go, to feel compassion and love for others and to love ourselves in humility, to practice physical discipline and experience balance and wholeness in the body. The dark side of the Force comes naturally; the light must be cultivated. Nurtured. Learned, and encouraged. In the most difficult of internal struggles, it must simply be chosen out of obedience. It must be chosen out of the knowledge of what is right, rather than caving to one’s deepest desires.

This is what it means to be a Jedi.

I think what I liked most about Jedi training was how much it transformed me for the better. I always knew the Force was there when I was young, even if I didn’t have the words for it. But when I was a child, I was angry and volatile and determined to fight. Yet, with time, the light altered me—made me a new person, so to speak. And, though I still struggle at times, I am so different now—peace, gentleness, and compassion live at my core.

A long glow stick! Well, that’s certainly one way to describe a lightsaber! Yes, I do have one. I built it when I was fourteen. My kyber crystal is pale blue. I have rarely found myself in combat, but I do carry it with me wherever I go. Sometimes, I ignite it during meditation, and hold it upright in my hands, and listen to the low hum, feel the subtle vibration of the hilt… It’s soothing to me. Yes, it is a weapon, but it is also something else—a sort of…talisman, I suppose.

Now that I am no longer a student at Luke’s school, it is a little harder to be a Jedi, I think. The Jedi of old remained closely connected to the Jedi Temple and the Jedi Order their entire lives, even after completing their training. I do go back to Luke’s school monthly, and I remain close with my classmates and with Master Luke. But here on Ryloth, I feel alone a lot. My colleagues at the anti-slavery organization I work at share my passion for justice and freedom for Twi’leki women. They know I am a Jedi, and often they say “may the Force be with you” to me, to be polite. But…they do not really understand, which is difficult.

…Ben does not really understand, either. I have been struggling with this. But, that is a separate topic, and one I’ve not been able to think through very clearly.

Sweet friend, thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to reminisce! I am always happy to answer questions, and I apologize for how extremely late my answer has come to you. I do hope you are doing well, wherever you may be!

[askbensolo]

Journal Entry #44: roller coaster.

I returned to my senses when I heard the door open and a bag get set down. “Ben! I got those cookies that you like from the—oh.” Then I heard a chuckle and felt her sit down on the floor next to me.

"Ben...what are you doing with your face on the ground?"

I didn't say anything. It was like I couldn't. Too many thoughts were spinning wildly around my brain, except they weren't even developed enough to be thoughts. I shook my head.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't tell you," I muttered, because I thought too hard about what it would be like to marry you and panicked for two hours was too difficult to tell her.

"Well...okay. But at least sit up, silly." She put her hand on my shoulder and shook me a little.

I obeyed and sat up, not wanting to make eye contact. In that moment, I found her terrifying: all five-foot-one of her.

She sat quietly with me for a moment.

"...Is this about...you and me?" she asked finally. I shrugged, which she correctly interpreted as an affirmative.

"Ben, I...I think we should talk."

I covered my face and shook my head, feeling like I was about to implode. "Please. No."

"Ben...I hate to see you get all upset over nothing," she pleaded. "I want you to know I don't expect a single thing from you. You were right, that we'll always be friends, and I know you can’t force feelings you don’t have. I've accepted that you don't like me—"

I tore down my hands, revealing an anguished expression. "Well, I've accepted that I maybe kind of do, which sucks, because now I have to think about what our future would look like together and I don’t think I’ve ever thought about anything so serious in my entire life."

She blanched. She had been standing on her knees, but she slowly sank down onto her heels in shock.

I couldn't tell what she was feeling. Shouldn’t my confession have made her happy? But she looked about as confused as I was. Maybe even a little scared, too.

"...You're joking," she said finally.

"Well, I don't know if I'm right or not, but I'm not trying to be funny," I told her.

She looked like she didn't know what to say. We stared at each other.

And then...tears started welling up in her eyes. She shook her head. Two fat droplets spilled down her cheeks, and she started doing that imaginary knitting thing with her hands.

"Hey...don't get all excited, Fan," I said, embarrassed, catching her hands up in one of mine. Her hands were so little.

"How am I supposed to not get excited?" she asked quietly, her big eyes dripping diamonds that glittered like stars. "I've always loved you."

I didn't expect those words to make me dizzy, but they did. She looked at me, for a moment...then collapsed into my arms and absolutely lost it, sobbing like a baby.

I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight.

“Listen…I’m scared,” I admitted, fully aware she might not have the mental bandwidth to register what I was saying. “I’ve…I’ve never thought about being with someone that way. I’ve never thought about what that would mean, or what it would invite into my life, or the challenges it would involve. I mean…everything could go horribly wrong. We work pretty well as friends, and I guess as housemates, but as anything else—who knows? We could end up being way in over our heads and totally unhappy.”

“Well…I’m scared too,” she snuffled. “I mean…goodness, Ben, I just told you. I was okay with you not liking me. I didn’t have anything to lose. But now...I have everything to lose. I didn’t even love Deirak the way I love you, and it was still so hard when I said goodbye. What am I going to do if I lose you?”

“You’re afraid of something ending that hasn’t even started?” I teased her weakly, rubbing circles on her back.

“Well…you’re afraid of starting it, when there’s every hope in the galaxy it’ll end,” she said miserably, in a dumb, mopey little way that made me chuckle in spite of how anxious I felt. I rocked her back and forth for a moment, then gently lifted her head off my shoulder and held her at arms length so I could look at her.

A loose dark hair had gotten plastered to her wet face. I picked it off.

“Look…I still don’t know if I’m in love with you,” I told her.

“Well…I still don’t know if I want you to be in love with me,” she said, laughing softly and wiping the heel of her palm against her eyes. “You should have just stayed the way you always were: handsome and charming and thoroughly unattainable, so that I could have gone on admiring you in silence forever, and never had to risk anything.”

“Well…you shouldn’t have made me dinner, and you shouldn’t have had coffee with me every morning for a month despite hating caf, and you shouldn’t have let me walk in on you dancing like a moron,” I replied softly, pushing my fist against her shoulder playfully. “I mean, please. You’re too cute for your own good.”

“Cute like a loth-cat? Or cute like a girl?”

I flicked her cheek with my thumb and index finger. “Oh my Force, not this stupid thing again.”

She giggled, her wet eyes sparkling.

My hand stayed hovering over the side of her face as I looked at her, and I let it rest on her cheek. She smiled and leaned into my hand—maybe she was part loth-cat after all.

My thumb poked at the corner of her mouth, and I looked at it for a second. Thought about it.

Nah. No way.

“Don’t kiss me, Ben Solo,” she said seriously.

“I wasn’t going to,” I said, annoyed that she had noticed. “Ew.”

“You looked like you were thinking about it.”

“Yeah, thinking about how it would be gross,” I said, which was true. “Hey—we’d be perfect for each other, you know. I have a pathological fear of physical intimacy, and you’re a prude.”

She squinched up her nose to keep from smiling and smacked her hand lightly against my face. “I am not.”

“You’re twenty-two and you’ve only had one boyfriend, who you never kissed once in the two years you were together,” I teased.

“You already know I want my first kiss to be with the one I marry,” she said, rolling her eyes at me and smiling. Her hand went on top of the one I had holding her face—it felt weirdly electric. “That was one of the first conversations we ever had, wasn’t it? When you took refuge in my hut while the others played spin-the-saber. Ironic of you to make fun of me for never having been kissed, since you’re twenty-three and you’ve never been with anyone at all.”

“Yeah...until now,” I said. “Possibly.”

“Possibly,” she echoed softly.

We looked at each other, our smiles fading. The uncertainty of the whole situation came creeping in again.

“…We should probably just…stay friends until I go back to Ryloth,” she said finally. “And then...figure it out after that. I don’t know if we should…date as housemates.”

I frowned. Until she went all the way back to Ryloth?

She picked up on my troubled look. "...What?" she asked.

“Well, it's just...you’d be so far away," I said. "We would barely see each other. I mean...I’m not crazy about starting things right away either, but if we were to…y’know, date…wouldn’t it be easier to start while you’re right here?”

She blushed. “I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to be living with my boyfriend.”

I took my hand off her face. “But…you’re living with me right now, aren't you?"

“Yes, but you’re not my boyfriend right now.”

“Yeah, but...what would change if I was? Why would it be inappropriate then, if it's okay right now? I don’t understand.”

"Ben, don't you remember? Even before all of this happened, I wasn't sure if it would be appropriate for us to live together—"

"Yeah, I know you weren’t sure about living here before, but you changed your mind, right? ‘Cause you’re here. And you’ve never brought it up again till now…”

She looked like she was about to say something, then stopped.

“I…I just don’t want to be living with a man until I’m married,” she repeated, embarrassed.

“But that’s what I’m saying, you’re literally living with one right now,” I repeated, frustrated.

“Yes, but you’re not my boyfriend right now,” she repeated, flustered.

“No, but I’m still a guy, and you’re currently living with me, and that’s not what you said,” I repeated, annoyed. “You said, ‘I don’t want to live with a man’—”

“But you’re not my boyfriend,” she said again.

“Fannie. You’re just saying the same thing over and over!”

“Well…so are you!”

We both giggled tensely at the same time: a weird kind of laugh that was 0% mirthful and 100% awkward and uncomfortable.

“Look, I was under the impression you already decided you were okay with living here, because here you are,” I said. “I’m not suggesting we like…start sharing a bed or anything. I’m still expecting that you’re gonna move out in the fall so you can go back to doing your thing. All I’m saying is, for the summer, we could just keep things exactly the same—”

“But they wouldn’t be the same, because we’d be dating,” she said.

“What would be so different about us dating from the way things were two weeks ago?” I asked impatiently. “You were already living here. Sleeping on the couch. We were hanging out all the time. Making dinner together, watching movies, going out on the weekends—”

“Yes, but everything was different, because when I agreed to move in, I saw you as a brother,” she said, looking stressed.

“But you didn't just see me as a brother,” I argued. “You said you always liked me.”

“Yes, but you didn’t like me, so nothing was ever going to happen,” she said, anxiously doing the knitting thing with her hands again.

Happen? I let go of her. What did she mean, nothing was ever going to...happen? Like...something that would make it inappropriate for us to live together?

“Wait,” I said, looking at her. “What are you afraid would ‘happen’?”

I looked at her expectantly. She couldn’t answer. Or wouldn't. Was she trying to say something bad would happen? Like...I would try to do something bad to her? Like…I would try to violate her? Or something?

“What?” I stared at her. “What, are you afraid we would, like…have sex or something? Do you think I'd try to have sex with you?”

“Ben. Do not talk about us having sex,” she said, shocked, her face red. But she didn’t deny it or try to correct me, and that really, really bothered me. I didn’t think that was what she was thinking…but what was I supposed to think, when she wasn’t giving me any reason to think otherwise?

“Well, you’re the one who’s thinking about that, apparently,” I said, starting to get worked up. “Really? Me? With everything you know about me, that’s something you’re worried about? Why, just ‘cause I’m a guy? Who do you think I am? You really think that I of all people would try to take advantage of you like that?”

She shook her head, her eyes all big.

“Then what are you trying to say?” I snapped. “Because if it’s not that and you’re thinking about something else, I would love to hear it! What is this, a guessing game? I mean, come on! Give me something to work with here!”

She wouldn’t talk. She would only stare, her eyes wide like twin moons. Usually, her big eyes were cute, but right now they were both pissing me off and scaring the hell out of me.

A minute went by in total silence. Then two. I know, because I counted the seconds. I waved my hand in front of her face. “Uh, hello?” She didn’t blink. Her eyes began to cloud up with tears, but she still wouldn’t speak.

Why the hell wasn’t she talking?? My heart started pounding and all my thoughts started speeding up inside my head and my hands started shaking. I started panicking again. Things had been okay and then for a second they’d been better than okay and now they were worse than they’d ever been. This was hell; we were in hell right now.

Suddenly, everything just felt so terrible and I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up and yelled and kicked the leg of the coffee table.

That seemed to wake her up.

She jumped to her feet. “Why are you so mad that I said I wanted to wait till I moved out before we started dating?” she asked, glaring at me. “You’re the one who said you weren’t sure about dating at all. Why are you suddenly all in a rush?”

“I’m not!” I shouted. “You’re the one who apparently thinks I’d try to sleep with you if we started dating right now. Do you know how physically sick that makes me feel?“

“Ben, I never said that.”

“Well that’s how I interpreted it, since you wouldn’t tell me what you actually meant, and I asked you—like, twice, and you didn’t kriffing correct me!”

“Don’t swear at me!” she yelled back.

“I’m not swearing at you, I am swearing in general!" I seethed. "There’s a difference!”

She glared at me, but didn’t say anything. I waited for her to open her mouth and use actual words like a grown-up, since apparently she’d finally gotten in the mood to talk, but no words ever came. I threw my hands out to my sides.

"Well? Are you gonna say something, or what?"

She didn’t. Just stared at me with those big brown eyes like daggers.

“Oh, so we’re back to this now,” I said sarcastically. “Cool.”

Her eyes were boring holes into me and it was like being on fire.

I turned and shouted and slammed my fist against the wall. “Cool! Just ignore me, I guess! I don’t get what’s happening right now! You’re not being you! You’ve always been so great at communicating and now you won’t kriffing talk!” I body-checked the wall and yelled again. RIP my neighbors.

Fannie’s eyes flashed violently. The same way they had when she told me she hated her father.

“No, I’ll tell you something, dumbass,” she blurted angrily. “We shouldn’t kriffing date.” Then she grabbed her keys and stormed out the door.

I had never heard those words come out of her mouth before. And right after she’d told me to watch my language. I was so shocked, there was a split-second where I laughed out loud. And then a ton of other emotions barreled into me like a space freighter crash-and-burn, and I slid down the wall on my back and ended up crumpled in a heap on the floor with my head in my hands.

What the hell was that? Nothing like that ever happened when we were just friends. Are we still friends? Because if that’s what it’s like to be more-than-friends…I’d pretty much rather just die.

[askbensolo]

Deirak seems like a nice guy!

He’s pretty chill. I used to be worried (and maybe a little jealous?) that Fannie would spend all her time hanging out with him and not have any left for me, but now I just hang out with both of them and it’s fun.

Sometimes I even hang out with Deirak without Fannie. At first I started doing that because a couple months ago everyone was whispering that Fannie was cheating on Deirak with me, and I got super nervous and decided it would be a really, really good idea to get on Deirak’s good side, but you know what? We actually like each other, and we get along pretty well.

...Except for when it comes to our taste in music. He hates the Max Rebo Band, and they’re my favorite. I mean, yeah, maybe “Jedi Rocks” wasn’t their best single, and maybe Sy Snootles’ vocals aren’t smooth as syrup, but seriously, dude?! The Max Rebo Band is classic! “Lapti Nek” is bomb!

But get this: Deirak’s favorite band is Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes. And his favorite song is “Cantina Band,” aka the most annoying and overplayed song in the galaxy. If you ask me, he has no right to judge my musical tastes!

We asked Fannie what she thought, and she says the only music she knows are Rylothian folk songs. So now each of us is in a mad dash to introduce Fan to as much of our music as possible, and get her on our respective sides. Deirak is probably going to leverage his status as her boyfriend to bring her over to the D’an side, but I think Amalia likes Max Rebo too, so maybe between the two of us we can get Fannie to turn.

Yes, this is as important as I’m making it sound.

[askbensolo]

Journal #33: Happily Single

So, yeah. Fannie wasn’t actually wanting to ask me out. She was interested in one of her other friends, named Deirak, who is obviously not me. I guess I feel kind of silly now, ‘cause I was really freaked out. I mean, you know how freaked out I was. You were there.

I, for the record, am quite relieved to know that I was never the object of her interest. I was so stressed out thinking about how I was going to reject her, and how I was going to keep her from being sad. At one point I thought maybe I would have to say yes to her just so she wouldn’t be sad.

But it turns out I didn’t have to do anything! Because she’s with Deirak. And they’re both very happy, as far as I can tell!

Well. I think they’re happy. They seem happy.

…Hm. Actually, can I talk to you about something?

I know I said I was never the object of Fannie’s interest, but I suppose it’s not entirely true. When she told me she was dating Deirak…she also told me she had a crush on me. She seemed really embarrassed about it. And kind of scared I was going to be mad at her. (Which I wasn’t, because Amalia had already kind of told me, so I was mentally prepared.)

She got mushy, man. Real mushy. She even told me I was handsome (which…eh, I don’t disagree with).

I guess I’m just worried about her. It kind of seemed like she was jumping headfirst into a relationship with Deirak to try to get her mind off me.

Maybe that’s an egotistical thing to say. I certainly don’t doubt that she cares about Deirak. I don’t even doubt that she likes him. It’s just that…if she likes me more, and she’s dating him with the main purpose of getting over me, then that’s kinda…hm. You know?

Listen, I’m not saying Fannie’s using him or anything. But you know how, when she vaguely described Deirak in her post about dating advice, I thought it was me? It’s not just that I’m always thinking about myself, okay. Deirak, like me, is also seventeen, also a human, also above average height with a lean build, also enjoys writing, and also has a snarky sense of humor and a strong set of opinions. (I’ve talked to him a few times since I found out he was Fannie’s boyfriend. We actually get along pretty well—he’s great to have constructive arguments with.)

But the point is, he’s quite similar to me in many respects. Almost suspiciously so. Do you think maybe Fannie chose him because he reminds her of me?

Look, I have no problems with her dating him. None whatsoever. It’s just that…what if she’s dating him in real life, but dating me in her head? That wouldn’t be good for anyone involved.

Overall, Fannie and I spend less time together, but when we do hang out, we talk for hours. And she never really talks about Deirak during those conversations. She talks about us. Sometimes, she likes to hold my hand when we’re talking. Sometimes, she snuggles up to me if we’re lying down and watching the clouds. Once, she even kissed me on the forehead. Which I’m okay with, because she always asks first, but…it just makes me curious.

Amalia says Fannie only has those super long private conversations with me. Fannie says it’s because I’m the only one of her friends that doesn’t live with her at the school. Deirak says (jokingly) that it makes him wonder what we’re up to.

I’m just confused by the whole thing. Should I be talking to someone about this? Does Fannie still like me? Does Deirak know she likes me? Am I leading Fannie on by accident? Am I being unfair to Deirak? Am I an unwitting participant of a love triangle? Or am I just overthinking like I always do?

Fannie did tell me she wanted me to hang out with other people more. Namely, Amalia. And as much as the idea of voluntarily putting myself in the company of that particular individual disturbs me…I have a feeling that distancing myself from Fannie is what I’m supposed to do for our relationship right now.

…Or I could be entirely wrong. I mean, seven months ago, my only friend was an evil raisin man, so I’m not exactly the expert on navigating social intricacies.

But, anyway! Aside from these concerns, I am pretty content with the way things panned out. I’m glad this little episode hasn’t led to any extreme changes in my life, and that everyone is happy, at least from what I can tell.

[fanniepentarra]

I know there's a lot of studying and training to being a Jedi- but what do you hope to do with your skills once you achieve mastery?

I am going to return to Ryloth. And I am going to fight for the freedom of those forced into slavery, like my mother was.

I fully recognize that it is a task not easily undertaken alone. That is why I will likely be joining a preexisting anti-trafficking rescue organization. And I won’t always be working with my saber out and flashing—a Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.

You see, my skills as a warrior of the Force will be an asset to my work, rather than the main display. I don’t wish to be thought a hero; I only wish to make things a little more right. While I do see myself engaging in daring rescue missions sometimes, I think I would also be quite useful in providing counseling and care for rescued survivors.

That’s why I’ve focused much more intently on honing my Force perception, and my ability to sense and read the emotions of lifeforms, than on my combat abilities. Although I am quite the menace with a lightsaber. ;)

I am trying to convince Deirak to come with me. I have my heart set on this, whether he wants to come or not.

...But I do hope he does. Although there is nothing else I would rather do in my adult years than rescue enslaved Rylothians, particularly women...it will certainly be very difficult. Very draining. And very sad. Having Deirak by my side would make it easier to bear.

[fanniepentarra]

I’ve always been curious, what happens when you finish Jedi school? I assume you finish when Master Skywalker feels you are ready, but then what? Are you off to protect sections of the galaxy? Do you stay and teach at the academy? How work?

Luke’s Jedi Order only began fourteen years ago, so there is still much to be determined. There is no established length of time before a Jedi is ready, but I think it will be some time before any of us have completed our training. You are right; it is complex…Amalia has been studying the longest, is one of the older students, and possesses the most power, but there are other factors at play, and I hardly think she will be the first to graduate.

The mission of the Jedi is to spread peace and justice throughout the galaxy. So, whatever each individual Jedi decides to do with their strengths will inevitably be toward that end. Some of us are better-suited for training more students, such as my apprenticer Meliko, and some of us have a strong passion to go out into the galaxy and do work someplace else.

My boyfriend, Deirak, wants to stay with Luke and teach, but I have always wanted to return to Ryloth to fight the injustice of the slave trade there. I have been trying to convince Deirak to come with me one day. I’m sure there are plenty of promising younglings he could train on Ryloth—my sisters, for example!

[askbensolo]

Ben. Amailia likes youuu

Oh, please. That’s just ridiculous.

Flicking spiders onto me while I’m trying to meditate—sure. That could be a sign of someone having a crush on me. But detailed criticisms of my character, personality, and appearance; and blunt assumptions like “You probably think you own the whole darn galaxy because of your family”—those are definitely not signs of masked affection in my book.

Deirak says that Amalia has been training with Luke the longest, but that she hardly ever keeps company with anyone. She’s a mystery to most. No one has ever tried to get to know her, because it just seems like she doesn’t care to be known.

“Yeah, she’s dodgy, all right. Sometimes she appears out of nowhere when the rest of us are hanging around; tries to join in, you know. It makes us uncomfortable, but of course none of us are going to tell her to go away,” Deirak told me.

“Well, who’s her apprenticer?” I asked. “They must know her pretty well, right?”

“Luke is. He meets with her one-on-one.”

“Any apprentices of her own?”

“Nope.”

“Huh,” I muttered. That was strange, considering that Amalia was one of the older students, and also one of the most talented. Even Char, who was only fifteen and not exactly the greatest student ever, was training someone under him. “Any idea why?”

“Who knows? Maybe Luke doesn’t think she’s fit to be an apprenticer. Or maybe she leans dark side. Maybe she’s secretly a Sith! We like to guess sometimes for fun,” Deirak shrugged, then fixed me with a curious look. “We like to guess about you, too, mate. Why you’re not becoming a Jedi anymore, but you still visit your uncle twice a week for those secret meetings.”

“They’re not ‘secret meetings.’ It’s…counseling,” I said, furrowing my brow. “Come on, bro. Is that all you Jedi do when you’re not swinging the laser swords around? Stand around and gossip?”

“Only when there’s someone worth talking about,” Deirak said, giving me a cheeky wink and a hearty clap on the back. “And you, sir, are a chap worth talking about.”

“Gee, is that good or bad?” I asked dryly.

Deirak laughed. “Depends who you talk to. But I, for one, have only good things to say about you, Mr. Solo.”

I smirked. “Why, because you actually like me, or because your girlfriend does?”

“Because I like you…and because Fannie likes me if I like you,” he grinned. “But yes, Ben, you can count me a friend. You had us all wondering for a while, back when you wouldn’t talk to anyone except ol’ Fan. But now most of us think you’re all right. We’d think that way about Mali, too, if she’d only stop being so mysterious.”

“And rude,” I added with a huff.

“Bloody good dueling partner though,” he said with a shrug. “Even better than Fannie, and Fannie’s an ace with a lightsaber. You should watch the two of ‘em go sometime—it’s a real light show."